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MYSTERIOUS DRAKE IS NOT CREATURE FOUND IN THIS ISSUE AT VIC JK NAME: STRANDFORD PAGE 5 TALENT: SCREAMING INTO VOID YEARBOOK QUOTE: “WHEN I DIE. THEN YOU WILL REALIZE.” THE STRAND VOL. 58 ISSUE 12 star wars: rogue one trailer: THE PEOPLE RESPOND “LOOKS GOOD” PAGE 22 not sure LOOKING FOR ANSWERS PLEASE SOMEONE DM who ME this is THE STRAND PLAYS all photos shot on iphone (tM) NEKO ATSUME YOU WON’T WANT TO MISS HOROSCOPES THIS! pisces: Today will be a good day and because of that you PAGE 18 will be more open to the world around you. leo: Make sure you appreciate others. By doing this, you norm kelly: dead? will learn to better appreciate yourself. page 4 gemini: You need to take a step back and really look at who you are. People treat you like a goddess and you don’t EVER take notice. You’re too busy going VIC PRESIDENT WILL ROBINS GETS IN out with your friends to spend just ONE night a week with your boy- friend watching TV. Just one night. I don’t care if you don’t want to watch Firefy, I watch your stupid little home decor shows. I miss you Jennifer. TWITTER FEUD WITH SMARTEST HUMAN Please call me. ALIVE RICHARD DAWKINS more on page 17 PAGE 20 Definitely Real Actual News • The Strand OPINIONS NOW FACTS, Confrms Strand Opinions Editor Olivia Dziwak | Opinions (News) Editor In a surprise move last Sunday, Te facts. Tere just aren’t enough of them, is was previously thought humanly possible. referred to as “Facts About Affordable Strand’s Opinions Editor, Olivia Dzi- our opinion, which, as you know, is just “We’re very worried,” said a lab-coated in- Art.” Te centrespread Features section wak, confirmed in an interview with Te the facts.” dividual, trapped out in the open during will hereafter be known as “Big ol’ Facts.” Strand’s Opinions Editor, Olivia Dziwak, Many wide-sweeping changes will be a coffee run. “What if my prof decides it’s Stranded will be left untouched, because that opinions are now facts. Tis an- coming into effect as a result of this re- possible to read 20 slides in the last three the sanctity of the humour section must nouncement was made in light of extreme orientation to reality. Students who were minutes of class after all? Will that break be preserved at all costs. pressure from the University of Toronto, absolutely for real interviewed for this ar- the time-space continuum? Will that Te News, Editorial, Arts & Culture, in a move commonly referred to as “the ticle said with confidence that they would mean I actually have to know all those Film & Music, and Features section heads end of term.” be able to clear away the vast majority slides for the exam?!” of Te Strand were all unavailable to com- “We’ve looked at the facts,” she was of their previously daunting workload. Changes will also be coming into ef- ment, mostly because we didn’t ask them. quoted as saying, “and our opinion on the “Oh yeah, I feel great about it,” said Astu fect at Te Strand itself, which will be see- At press time, Opinions Editor Ol- facts is that that is what they are.” When Dent. “Now that my opinions are facts, ing a wide-scale internal reorganization. ivia Dziwak had promoted herself into asked to clarify this comment, Dziwak I’m pretty sure I know everything. Actu- Te section formerly known as News will the role of Editor-in-Chief because she explained that the approaching end of ally, I’m thinking I’ve already graduated. be absorbed into the Opinions section, thought she deserved it and, as a result, term has created a facts shortage that ne- Yep, that sounds about right. I’m done.” and the former Editorial page will be does in fact deserve it. cessitates the use of opinions as facts. “We Te impact on the scientific commu- relabeled “Facts Tat We Tink, Which took a long hard look at what we had, nity has yet to be properly gauged, but Terefore Are Facts.” Arts & Culture which was the facts, and realized we were many Life Science students were sighted will boast the new name of “Facts About very soon going to run out of them. Te looking more stressed and anxious than Fancy Art,” while Film & Music will be STUDENTS? UofT Faculty shocked to discover students at own university Emily Pollock | Alleged Student Last week, University of Toronto Presi- “Nuh-uh. Tat’s…no way. I mean, I legedly represents, a representative from proach any students with her questions dent Meric Gertler was informed that knew there were students at other univer- the Provost’s office said, “Wait, ‘students’ about the university’s oversight. Appar- there are multiple students enrolled in sities. But…oh man, I’ve got to…” He are those little glass tubes they do science ently, they “scattered like gazelles” when the university. Te long-time university pulled out his phone. with, right? Like, the mad tiny ones?” Te approached by a person with a clipboard, president came under fire recently for his “Pamela, I heard this terrible ru- Office of Alumni Affairs sent Te Strand a terrified that they might be asked to sign lack of action on fossil fuel divestment. In mour today. Did you…oh my God. Re- strongly-worded email saying that, while something. an exclusive interview with a correspon- ally?” Tere was a long pause in President students were nice in theory, they would President Gertler was last seen wan- dent for Te Strand, he was asked to com- Gertler’s response. “I mean, is that even get in the way of the university’s real pur- dering off toward Queen’s Park, tie askew. ment on student opposition to the move. sanitary?” pose: naming enormous piles of money As of press time, the President’s Office Instead of answering, he squinted at the When Gertler was asked what ex- after donors and then setting them on fire. has neither confirmed nor denied the ex- interviewer and mouthed the word, “Stu- actly he thought the university was here Te call to the Dean’s Office resulted in istence of the 85,000 students ostensibly dents?” for, he looked at the correspondent with the representative trying to pretend that studying at the University of Toronto. As the correspondent attempted to a haunted look in his eyes and muttered he was the answering machine to avoid Te official statement reads, “Listen, we keep the conversation on-track, Gertler something about graduate-level research. answering the questions, a pitiful move may have made some mistakes, but we rubbed his temples. “Wait, what, you After several calls to the university, that embarrassed everyone involved. think what’s really important is that we’re mean we have students? I mean, here? At the correspondent was no closer to find- Te Strand was also unable to get still Canada’s best research university. Oh UofT?” ing a university representative who would feedback from any of the university’s al- wait, did McGill climb in the rankings When the correspondent affirmed comment on the issue. When asked to leged students. Although our exhausted again? Shit, we’d better check.” that they themselves were, in fact, a stu- comment on the president’s complete correspondent camped out in Sidney dent, President Gertler shook his head. lack of knowledge about the people he al- Smith for days, she was unable to ap- 2 Opinions (and Science, because they’re the same thing, right?) • The Strand This FEMALE Vic student said WHAT about our gender stats???????? Nicole Paroyan | Lookin’ 4 love While many schools in Canada boast of single women, I propose a radical and yet gender parity on their university campus- logical solution to this growing problem. es, Vic has gone well beyond the 50 per- Victoria College must put a cap on the cent threshold. In its current state, Victo- number of female students admitted to ria College has a student body comprised the university. Tis measure is necessary of 75 percent women and 25 percent in order to provide equal opportunities men. As I sit and ponder my successes to the thousands of young men trying and failures at Victoria College, I cannot to make it in an increasingly competitive help but focus on one glaring issue—our work environment. Additionally, by re- gender statistics. fusing to admit 50 percent men, Victoria As a woman myself, I love my gender. College is prioritizing the romantic needs Many of my friends are women, and I ad- of men over those of women. mire many of them. Nevertheless, while A student at Vic who prefers to re- receiving an education is important, so is main anonymous left me with a story all property of the strand finding some L-O-V-E. too familiar to female Vic students: “As I When I spoke to a group of female got ready to watch that week’s episode of students at various small-town univer- Girls with my boyfriend, I walked in on sities, they bragged about the variety of him with a book—Infinite Jest by David men available to them. One student re- Foster Wallace. At that moment, I knew marked, “My last boyfriend was a Jewish I should leave him. Instead, we stayed to- Studies major AND a member of the var- gether only to break up three years later, sity golf team. We have options; choice.” after he told me I wasn’t enough of a fem- Tat last word stuck with me.

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