Comedians past-it, fashion presents and music yet to come In our last issue of the term, Varsity chucks you some chestnuts for your open fire

No. 610 The Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 Friday November 26, 2004 Architects denied Cambridge nightlife to get a makeover permission for protest march But Streeting pledges that Mockel von dem Bussche-Ippenburg von Mockel t r standing demo will go ahead lbe A

Lucy Phillips “Following consultation with the Proctors, it was felt that [inside] the THE POLICE have blocked Senate House would not be an appro- attempts by CUSU to march from priate venue for such a demonstra- the Architecture Department to tion. It is unfortunate that those who Senate House as part of their join the rally feel that there is a need protest against the department’s clo- for a protest of this kind.” sure. But a standing demonstration But members of ArcSoc are still will still take place outside Senate unhappy at not being allowed into House on Monday. Senate House for the protest. The demonstration has been McLaren said, “I am hugely frustrated organised by CUSU president Wes that the University has decided to Streeting, and Luke McLaren, block our protest from using Senate President of ArcSoc. Streeting has House. This cynical response from the expressed his disappointment at the University is typical of the way in decision to stop the march, which which it has dealt with the has already been advertised through- Architecture Department to date: nar- out the University. He says that the row-minded, petty and quite clearly Police have stopped the march running their own parallel agenda. because they claim the organisers did “Aside from the fact that this snub not make contact early enough. But will reflect poorly on the University, he maintains that he gave the Police it has been deliberately intended to the seven days notice he thought compromise our protest and help required for a march and that “inter- minimise pressure on Professor Cliff nal and communication problems” and the General Board… I can’t led to its cancellation. think of anywhere more appropriate A sergeant from Cambridge than Senate House to hold a pro- James Dacre Constabulary has responded by say- gressive debate about the future of a on how an evening out in Cambridge will be different in 2005 ing that at least a month’s notice is world-respected department within THE NEW Year will witness dramatic being replaced by a new licensing system entering inappropriately, and will ensure required to hold a march where there this University. Have the Proctors shifts in the infrastructure of that allows for the possibility of staying public safety and avoid public nuisance. may be around 1000 people present. considered how wise it is to leave the Cambridge’s city-centre nightlife. open until 5am, as clubs and bars on the Robert Osbourn, Cambridge’s Principal “One week’s notice would never have Cambridge MP and four leading Varsity can reveal that some of the continent do. B Bar, Vaults, Bar Ha Ha Environmental health officer, who will been enough planning time. In any critics in the architectural world out most striking changes to our favourite and Number 1 King’s Parade are all be running the panel that decides ven- case, the request should come in in the wet and cold?” (or at least most visited) clubs and bars applying for extended licenses. The ues’ suitability for licensing, described written form”. According to a senior The demonstration will take place include the closure of Coco’s and Ishca expected effects include a gradual shift how “we will be taking any objections to police official involved with city cen- from 1pm on Monday afternoon and the opening of a large branch of away from clubbing culture and towards proposed licences regarding specific tre issues, he was contacted by phone outside the Senate House. Rowan ‘The Living Room’ chain. CUSU will smaller, more intimate bars. Frank organisations very seriously.” on Monday by CUSU and received Moore, Director of the Architecture also run Eclektix nights in disused city Walding, who has promoted a number of In colleges, there presently exists an written notice on Wednesday. He Foundation, and Anne Campbell buildings including the Guildhall’s club nights around Cambridge, suggest- archaic “Vice-Chancellor’s licence” to added “We don’t want to stop things MP will be speaking at the event. basement. An extension to Po Na Na is ed that “only the best nights out will serve alcohol. Next year, college bars like that [happening] and want to Unconfirmed speakers include tele- also being proposed. Elsewhere, build- remain” and that “clubs will disappear”. will require personal licences. Osbourn help with public safety”. vision’s Kevin McCloud, Professor ing has begun on the colossal Robert The sudden flurry of interest in investing detailed how a number of college McLaren expressed his irritation Sarah Wigglesworth from Sheffield Sayle building transforming it into the in Cambridge’s night-time scene has Bursars have already looked into secur- at the changes to the original plans University, Ted Cullinan, who ‘Grand Arcade,’ to be filled with bars been attributed to these nationwide ing late-night licenses for their college for the demonstration and said, “I’m designed many of Cambridge’s and restaurants. The Kambar will changes to licensing laws. bars and Ents. A number of colleges not sure whether the mix-up lay buildings, and Guardian design and allegedly change ownership (and per- Local councils in England and Wales have faced problems with licensing laws with the Police or lack of organisa- architecture writer Jonathan haps close), APU will open a large will be taking over the alcohol licensing recently. Whilst there is now talk of re- tion by CUSU.” Glancey. Many alumni have also nightclub and the area around the function from the Magistrates’ Courts. opening King’s Cellar, its bar has not The organisers had originally shown support for and interest in Railway station is expecting a major In the absence of a criminal record, functioned all term. hoped that the protest would finish the campaign. redevelopment to include a number of individuals and properties will be able to Last week the promoters of Sunday inside the Senate House, but the new night spots. apply for a late licence as long as they Roast at Coco’s unexpectedly moved their University has expressed some con- Over the course of the coming year, all can prove to the local council that their club night to Life... cern as to the suitability of the venue. Comment: Page 8 existing licences regarding the sale of practice will seek to prevent crime and On Wednesday a spokesperson said: Editorial: Page 11 alcohol and public entertainments are disorder, will prevent minors from - Continued on page 4 ONANISM PAGE 7 THE SHORT STRAW PAGES 2 & 9 EXPERIENCING THE APOCALYPSE RIGHT NOW PAGE 20 CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA PAGE 14 THRILL SEEKERS PAGE 22 READING BEDTIME STORIES PAGE 27 2 NEWS November 26, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk News in Brief Student takes concerns to Straw Guildhall conversion Anne Campbell arranges meeting for student wrongly arrested in Israel this September Cambridge County council have recently decided to convert the Chine Mbubaegbu and taken to court on the basis of ground floor of the Guildhall into a ‘secret’ evidence which suggested that cultural centre to liven up the city. A CAMBRIDGE student who was they were terrorists. The judge threw This decision arose after the subjected to unauthorised detention by out the charges, but placed them under Crown Court’s moved last month Israeli officials whilst travelling in house arrest at their hostel… until from the Guildhall to East Road Jerusalem in September, has met with deportation.” Current ideas being discussed for Foreign Secretary Jack Straw to tell him Straw had agreed to meet with this cultural quarter include creating of her ordeal. Campbell and Qureshi in September, a parade of shops, cafes and restau- Hajira Qureshi, a Maths student when Campbell raised the plight of her rants, as well as a heritage centre. from Newnham, had been travelling constituent in the House of Commons Other ideas, which have been pro- through Jerusalem with two female in a question to the Prime Minister on posed, include putting up a bridge companions, Samra Ghafoor and September 15th. When questioned, between the Corn Exchange and the Amina Shaikh to Nablus in the occu- Mr. Blair had answered “We have Guildhall which used to be put up in pied West Bank. They had hoped to raised the matter with the chief of the 1860s for special occasions. The spend three weeks there doing chari- police in Jerusalem and we shall contin- fact that the Guildhall is a listed ty work for children, when the inci- ue to pursue it with the Israeli authori- building may make it hard to imple- dent happened. ties. At this stage, that is all I can say.” ment some of these ideas. During the meeting, arranged by Campbell had wanted the Foreign University Islamic Society’s recently- point by Israeli police at a checkpoint in Anne Campbell, MP for Cambridge, Secretary to hear first-hand of Hajira’s formed Human Rights committee, Ramallah this July. Campbell said: “It is Rumina Hassam Hajira described in detail how she was ordeal at the hands of the Israeli police was also able to question Mr. Straw the sort of experience Palestinians go arrested at gunpoint at 3.30am at her and also wanted to discuss the role of closely on British policy with regards through on a daily basis.” hotel in Jerusalem Old City. The the British authorities in the matter. to Palestine and Israel. The Islamic The Foreign Secretary responded to Student attack British Muslim and her two compan- Campbell said, “Hajira told Jack Society said that its Human Rights Qureshi and Campbell’s concerns by ions were strip-searched and interro- Straw that she was unhappy about the committee was recently set up explaining that he had received EU A student from Queen’s suffered a gated before being threatened with way that the British authorities in because “Widespread public apathy support in putting forward proposals suspected broken nose and other deportation. The London-based Jerusalem dealt with her and her friends in developed countries, coupled with to the United Nations about the line facial injuries after being attacked in Islamic Human Rights Commission following the arrest. Jack Straw prom- the “War on Terror,” has all but of the Israeli security wall. The REU an unprovoked assault at around 8pm (IHRC), which has taken up the case, ised to investigate the way she had been stripped billions of people’s rights to also joined him in condemning the on Sunday night. said: “The trio, who went to teach treated and has said he will write to me lead a dignified life.” slaughter that followed the rocket The 20 year old victim was walk- Palestinian children as part of Project with the results of the investigations.” Campbell was herself subject to such attacks in Gaza in which an Israeli ing with friends in Downing Street Hope, were detained, strip-searched Hajira, who is the officer for the an ordeal when she was stopped at gun- child was killed. when he was attacked by two unknown men. Police are appealing for witnesses. Interviews in Action Oxford Applications Homerton calendar Amy Goodwin using the company’s services. Whilst waiting for an apology for Homerton’s female rowers have LAST WEEK Varsity reported that the misappropriation of the ‘Target ditched their rowing gear in favour of hie Bland Cambridge students had been offered Schools’ tag, Cole is also spearheading their birthday suits to raise money for Arc £20 each by private company Oxbridge an attempt to collect the names of all the Boat Club. Inspired by the Applications to complete a question- students who may have been duped Women’s Institute idea for a naked but naire providing detailed information into answering the company’s survey. tasteful collection of photographs and on their interviews. Their answers She admits that the experience has the recent Ospreys’ calendar, ten would be used as material for the com- been “essentially positive” in that it Homerton boaties have posed for the pany’s forthcoming book Real Oxbridge has demonstrated the respect with calendar with only boat paraphernalia Applications. Now Oxford University which Target Schools is regarded by covering those ‘essential’ parts. Student Union (OUSU) has declared students. The campaign originated itself “outraged” after Oxford under- twenty-three years ago and is still graduate Nathan Lyons who is an highly active and thriving in both Heffers for sale employee of the company sent a simi- Oxford and Cambridge. lar questionnaire to Oxford students Cambridge’s Heffers could be up which purported to be from OUSU’s for sale as its owner, Blackwell’s, may ‘Target Schools’ scheme. sell off a number of its 61 bookshops. Current OUSU Vice President for The company announced last week Lucy Phillips shot at applying to Cambridge and that Access and Academic affairs Linsey the interview process should not put Cole was made aware of the scam by that newly-appointed BDOStoy .dailyinfo.co.uk Howard is to review the book-selling A NEW film about what to expect from people off.” She also said that they students who had been contacted by admissions interviews at Cambridge wanted to get rid of certain ‘perceptions’ Lyons and were concerned about the business as a result of consolidation in www the sector, an increase in the number of was released on Monday. The film, about Cambridge, such as “that every- nature of his questionnaire. Cole, books being bought online and the called Interviews in Action, is available one is from Eton.” who claims that the company’s aims growth of internet use for research. to watch for free on the University of Dr Geoff Parks, Director of “directly conflict” with Target Blackwell’s, employs 100 people at Cambridge website. Admissions for the Cambridge Schools’ outreach programme, stated, its four branches in Cambridge and The 20 minute film is based on real- Colleges pointed towards the grow- “I am furious that the good name of has admitted that it has received istic scenarios and features current ing popularity of broadband technol- Target Schools had been capitalised some interest from potential buyers. Cambridge admission interviewers. It ogy – according to Government fig- on in this way.” follows two fictional applicants, one for ures, more than 98% of secondary Second year Craig Abrahams’s reac- English and one for Natural Sciences, schools and colleges have broadband tion is typical of the Oxford students Sorry through the process. Viewers are shown – which has made it possible to pro- who have already been accosted by extracts including interviews, the inter- vide students with a free film guide Lyons’ randomly-generated emails. We incorrectly credited Michael viewers discussing the strengths and to interviews. “The film is aimed at He says that he contacted Cole after Derringer’s photograph on page five weaknesses of the fictional applicants any applicant at all, some schools becoming “sceptical” about the ques- of last week’s issue to Lucy Phillips. and the qualities they are looking for. have other sources and experiences so tionnaire’s premise, and now believes A spokesperson for the University it might be more use to those who that the “disgusting” endeavour Football Competition said the aim of the video was to demon- haven’t had many preceding appli- “undermines all the good work of strate “the myths and misconceptions cants to Cambridge.” Target Schools.” “The company are The lucky winners of the sequel to about Cambridge interviews”. She The University has said that the being deliberately deceitful in sending Championship Manager, Football explained, “A lot of people don’t know film is not in response to companies the email under the guise of Target Manager, are Natalie Higgins and what to expect in the interview. She that train students for interviews Schools.” Fellow student Graeme Matt Hallissey. Nice one. Email said that the University would like to such as Oxbridge Applications. Murray describes how he unsuccess- [email protected] for details of reassure applicants that they do not Dr Parks said that the film was fully tried to contact Lyons on three getting your prize. need “interview coaching” and that they screened around staff within the occasions when trying to determine hoped to show that the interview University before being launched the survey’s origins. process is about “how people think online and that it had received ‘posi- OUSU is currently reviewing its New Editor rather than their social confidence.” tive feedback’. Its release comes at options as to how to proceed but is She emphasized that the film makes the start of ‘interview season’. considering legal action. It is likely Amol Rajan has been appointed it clear that it is “a general guide” and The project was commissioned by that the union will pass a motion Editor of Varsity for Lent term 2005. that “interviews and academic discus- Clare College and funded by the this week condemning Oxbridge sions do vary”. She added, “We are try- Higher Education Funding Council Applications and resolving to dis- ing to ensure that everybody gets a fair for England. suade potential applicants from The Bodleian, Oxford www.varsity.co.uk November 26, 2004 NEWS 3

Degree benchmarking The Damned light up Market Square in Christmas event

under consideration CS r/T Laura Cledwyn simply aimed at supporting the prin- e

ciple of standardisation. ing

THE CUSU open meeting held on Unease over this has caused the rr Tuesday evening passed a motion Quality Assurance Agency for resolving to campaign for transparency Higher Education to launch a new l De of degree classifications and for consis- consultation exercise calling for the tent marking criteria, urging benchmarking of standards though- Michae Cambridge University to support a out UK universities. This would national benchmarking scheme. essentially lead to the transparency of With almost 70% of degrees receiv- degrees across the board so that ing a 2.1 or above, it has become everyone would be able to tell just increasingly difficult for employers what each degree is worth according and students alike to judge their real to the department and university value, particularly when comparing where it was awarded. universities. In some cases students at Pro-Vice-Chancellor for high-achieving institutions may be Education, Professor McKendrick, losing out as many online job applica- told Varsity “there has been growing tions automatically filter out grades awareness in recent years of the short- lower than a 2.1, even though a 2.2 at comings of the present classification Cambridge and other well performing system.” She added that this issue is to universities may be equivalent to 2.1 at be discussed at the next meeting of some other institutions. the General Board’s Education Concerns were raised at the CUSU Committee on 1st December. Until meeting as to what form this trans- then no official comment can be parency would take and how exactly made, although rumours suggest that benchmarking would be implemented. the University may be considering It was asked whether, as a result of scrapping the current classifications of this, the automatic MA for Oxbridge 1st, 2.1, 2.2 and 3rd altogether in THIS SUNDAY saw 70’s punk-rock band, The Damned, turn on the Christmas lights in Market Square despite graduates might be scrapped, and favour of a more transparent system. concern from local clergymen which preceded the event. Hundreds turned up to witness the festive season begin in whether this would give rise to a The open meeting also discussed Cambridge in what event organisers have described as one of the biggest turnouts for the event ever. greater number of firsts at universities the issues of whether CUSU should Varsity reported last week that local church leaders and even Lambeth Palace had condemned the event as like Cambridge or otherwise fewer have a stance on Iraq and the building “insensitive” because it was separating a Christmas event from the core meaning of Christmas. firsts at lower achieving institutions. of a £50million sports centre at West The 70’s band are notorious for a number of anti-religious songs, including ‘Anti Pope,’ and had described However, Barry Bridges from Cambridge. Planning permission has Christians as “weak.” The band’s lead singer, Captain Sensible, said: “I’m so glad the council stuck to their guns Downing College, who proposed the been approved for the site, which will and kept us on because we are just a bunch of people who like to have fun...We are hoping to start some controver- motion, insisted that this need not cater for an extensive range of indoor sy in every town we go to from now on - it's good for ticket sales.” mean the ‘dumbing down’ of degrees and outdoor sports, and will include an Chine Mbubaegbu and that for the moment, the motion Olympic-sized swimming pool. 4 NEWS November 26, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

Out on the Cam Town Student radio DJs make award-winning waves

Continued from Front Page MP for Cambridge, Anne Campbell, CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY’S ...in what has since been seen as a sen- told Varsity how she hopes “that the new radio station CUR1350 has won four sible jump from a sinking ship. The own- licensing laws will not be abused.” awards at the BBC Radio 1 Student

ers of La Raza, Simon Harrow and Concerned by the impact that the new Radio Awards. Two gold, one silver sui (SRA) Charles Anderson, have secured the pur- initiative might have, she described and one bronze award made it the sta- T chase of the Coco’s building in the same Cambridge as “a city whose nightlife is tion’s most successful Student Radio week that they have opened a new bar focused too much upon drinking and Awards in recent memory. and restaurant, Taboosh, on the former not enough on genuine entertainment.” Val Mellon (pictured with presenter Thomas premises of Qi Bar in market passage. The new licensing process in unlikely to Craig Charles) won a gold award for Harrow revealed for the first time the change this situation. Presently public Best Entertainment Show, ‘Mellon ’til name of Coco’s replacement, “The Soul entertainment often acts as a pre-requi- Midnight’, and a bronze award for Best Tree,” and that in excess of £200,000 will site for a bar seeking a late-licence. Female. ‘Mellon ‘til Midnight’ includes be spent on redecorating the interior of Night-time economy already puts great features such as ‘What’s in Val’s the building. A cafeteria on the ground strain on the city’s local infrastructure mouth?’, ‘Play your Tarts Right’ and floor will be open from 8am to 3am, with and public services. Transport, policing ‘Duff or Bluff ’. She also received a fully-equipped concert space above. Po and street cleaning services are unlikely nominations for Best Documentary Na Na Brighton’s manager Nick Jerrim to be able to support changes to Show and Best Jingles and Production. will look to transform the club into a Cambridge’s licensing hours. It was Mellon said,“It was totally overwhelm- space “that gives students everything that recently reported that Cambridge’s night ing, I have wanted to win an award for they want; good food and drink, smart bus service looks likely to be scrapped. three years now. It’s something I’ll surroundings and quality music with an Wes Streeting said that “attacks on stu- remember forever.” emphasis upon performance.” The man- dents wandering home late at night are Andrew Walkingshaw and Rob agement will still look to run student becoming a huge concern for CUSU.” Ousbey, the station’s manager, won the nights at the venue. Annette Joyce, Cambridge City Centre other gold for Technical Achievement, Ballare will remain unresponsive to the manager, outlined the potential problems for the CUR1350 Web Player – a plat- changes, claiming they “don’t need to regarding litter and “clubbers urinating or form-independent way of listening to change anything to be the best place to go throwing up in a city centre in which and interacting with the station online. out in Cambridge.” Life, owned by the there are no public conveniences.” Anne It uses open- source Java and streaming same mother company as Ballare, Campbell described how “the Cambridge technologies to allow anyone to listen Luminar Leisure, is similarly defiant, police force is presently stretched and to CUR1350 in any web browser with although concedes that their Sunday can’t keep up it’s present level of policing.” java support. nights have “seriously suffered” this term. Later licenses would require more police- The silver award was won for Best It is rumoured that the former men to be on duty round the clock. Sports Programming, for CUR1350’s founder of Po Na Na has secured the The new late-night licensing laws will live coverage of the Varsity rugby match purchase of the Kambar and that he affect any organisation looking to sell at Twickenham. seeks to turn it into a sister venue for an alcohol, provide entertainment, or serve The awards, held last Friday in already established Bristol bar. The hot food after 11pm- which means that London, were hosted by Steve Lamacq Living Room, a national chain attracting the likes of Gardies and the vans may be and Jo Whiley and are said to be the a young professional clientele, will take effected. Osbourn concedes that “If stu- equivalent of the Sony Awards for the over grand corridors of the old Divinity dents living around Gardies were to student radio sector. Faculty. Previously investing only in big- complain about late-night noise levels, ger cities, this move will help to enhance that would most probably be the end of Lucy Phillips Cambridge’s metropolitan status. their licence.”

6 NEWS November 26, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

Lighting up Parker’s Piece Attackers’ sentence cut

Barney Jones tions in their jail terms. Judges The attack, which took place at reportedly stated that the sentences 3.30am on March 23 2003, resulting A MAN and a woman who viciously were “manifestly excessive”, whilst from an argument Barfield started mauled a Cambridge student have admitting that such an unprovoked with Briggs, was caught on CCTV. appealed against their sentences and assault on an innocent victim was Briggs was followed into St Andrew’s have had them reduced. unacceptable in a civilised society. Street, where Barfield led the assault Lauren Barfield, just 17 when she Mr Justice Nelson, who heard the case on him. He was thrown to the floor, attacked postgraduate student Graham with two other judges, stated that kicked and punched, and while he was Briggs, was found guilty of robbery and Barfield’s reduction in sentence was due lying on the ground Barfield stole £5 CS

T attempting to cause GBH and was to her previous good character and age. from him. As a result of the attack

r / handed a four-and-a-half year prison He also reminded the court that Aston, Briggs received a number of cuts and e sentence in January this year. Her whilst being convicted of attempted bruises. He later said that the incident ing

rr accomplice, 42 year-old David Aston GBH, had been acquitted of robbery. had left him psychologically scarred, was convicted of attempting to cause A third attacker, Shilen Chhagen, intimidated by big open spaces and l De GBH and given a four year sentence. who had been sentenced to two years in wary of going out at night. At the London Court of Appeal a young offenders’ institute, did not Aston and Barfield will now both

Michae the pair both gained sizeable reduc- appeal against his sentence. serve three years in prison.

THE CAMPAIGN to improve lighting on Parker’s Piece began last Friday, with over 50 students and residents solidly campaigning through- out the evening. To highlight CUSU’s campaign, the path was lit with can- Future of night bus looks uncertain dles and CUSU President Wes Streeting reported receiving over 100 sig- natures that night, as well as many more over the weekend. On one Kirsty McQuire deplored the move as ‘typical of the substantiate or challenge the claims of evening in Selwyn bar, 70 signatures were collected. council... when we are going to great the council, rather it is they who have The campaign has also prompted a City Council meeting to be held in THE CAMBRIDGE night bus is lengths to highlight student safety.” He been criticised so far. December to discuss the issue. Streeting called this “a definite move- under threat of termination, it arised has implored the council to “improve the County Council Transport Officer ment…although we haven’t won yet.” CUSU have, however, vowed to last week. This is allegedly due to the service rather than simply scrapping it.” Basil Jackson expressed his suspicions. “I keep up the pressure. underuse of the service as loss of funds Executive Councillor for the don’t think Stagecoach have done as Insufficient lighting has been a problem across Parker’s Piece with five as a result. Cambridgeshire County Environment, Nicola Harrison, was much as they could in terms of market- reported attacks from students alone in the last year. In just this term, two Council is in consultation with the bus quoted in November 2003 as saying: ing and I think there is scope for Downing students have been attacked. Richard Reid, CUSU Welfare operator Stagecoach to decide the fate “We don’t want to scrap the whole idea improvement.” The company refutes Officer, also pointed out that there are probably many other attacks which of the service. of the night bus.” She was also quick to this claim. go unreported. Calls and anecdotes from students suggest that this may be One graduate student from Christ’s state at the time that the new pared- There is a sense that effective commu- a fairly high figure. A Night Time Crime Count in Cambridge, organised remarked on the detrimental impact down service in fact “represents a signif- nication between the council and the in 2002, identified 23 separate incidents of violent crime occurring on such a withdrawal would have, poten- icant improvement in public transport company has been lacking for some Parker’s Piece, a level which was far higher than surrounding areas. CUSU tially ‘ruining’ his social life. A return taxi provision,” which in retrospect can only time. However, the two organisations are has warned all students to be vigilant when walking around at night. fare to his shared house in Cherry raise doubts. currently poised to produce a report and Natasha Anders Hinton costs £10. Unfortunately there have been no sta- hold a meeting on the matter, hoping to CUSU President Wes Streeting has tistics released by Stagecoach to either reach a consensus by April 2005.

Careers Service LAW INFORMATION EVENT THURSDAY 2nd & FRIDAY 3rd DECEMBER 1.30PM-4.30PM UNIVERSITY CENTRE, GRANTA PLACE

This event is for both law and non-law students of all years. Over 80 organisations attending, with different organisations each day; solicitors, barristers, course providers, pro bono and public service.

For a full list of attendees, see the Careers Service website. www.careers.cam.ac.uk www.varsity.co.uk November 26, 2004 NEWS 7

CUAI campaign ends in success What happened next

Sarah Marsh coverage — and so makes the regime As term comes to an end, aware of just how much the rest of the TCS world knows about what they’re doing, r/ gets nostalgic about stories gone by CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY e and just what we think of them.” Amnesty International this week cele- ing Wes Streeting, CUSU President, who brated the release of the Burmese politi- rr sat in the cage himself, concurred: “this

cal prisoner Min Ko Naing, following a l De case is a shining example of what people prominent campaign in October 2004 can achieve when they mobilise collec- Building for the future which culminated in the “Cage Event.” tively to lead change. By just sparing a CUSU AND ArcSoc have launched a campaign to save the Michae Campaign co-ordinator Tim Austin few hours a month students can make a Architecture department after the controversial announce- said he was “overjoyed” at this unexpect- difference by getting involved with ment came that the University was considering its future. ed news. “We were told that Burma was Amnesty’s campaigns. ArcSoc President and third year architecture student, a hugely difficult country to make an Min Ko Naing’s release has renewed Luke McLaren, highlighted the changes that are taking impact on, so the chances of freeing Min enthusiasm at CUAI. Chairman Will place within the department in preparation for the next Ko Naing were slight. But we never give Moy told Varsity, “The cage event was a Research Assessment Exercise in 2008: ìThe department is up on a prisoner.” collective effort of 50 people - now we’ve entering an exciting period of change and has taken measures The campaign to free Min Ko Naing proved how crucial little contributions to ensure its continued status as an integral and unique part has been running worldwide for many are.” CUAI posted a triumphant banner of University life. It has the highest number of applicants for years, and met with repeated disappoint- CUAI publicised the success of their where the cage had been declaring each place of any course in the University and produces well qualified graduates.Last ment. Nonetheless in Michaelmas 2004 recent campaign outside King’s “Amnesty Works- Min Ko Naing is week a fundraising auction organised by ArcSoc raised around £3500 for the depart- CUAI joined the efforts of other student free”, and celebrated his release on ment. Items up for lot included a colour lithograph, work experience at architecture Amnesty groups and campaigning bod- the dictatorial regime in Burma. Prime Saturday evening with their live band gig practises and subscriptions to architecture publications. Rachel Cooper ies to have the student leader freed. The Minister Khin Nyunt was ousted last “Paper Scissors and Rock”. annual “Cage Event” was mounted month, causing the disbandment of the Min Ko Naing’s release is just the specifically to call for Min Ko Naing’s National Intelligence Bureau (NIB) that start of CUAI’s campaign in Burma. release, and a 20-metre cloth petition had been under his direct control. Since The executive committee stated, “There The Keeling process produced to send to the regime about his then the military government has freed remains a vast amount that has to hap- RUTH KEELING, who has just finished her first week in case. up to 30 political prisoners, who were pen to improve human rights in Burma the job, calls her new role “very busy” but “enormously satis- On November 19 the regime released wrongly charged by the NIB according and the regime are clearly in no hurry — fying,” and believes that visible changes are already taking Min Ko Naing, whom many consider “a to the state-run media in Burma. but the idea that they would remember place. The union shop is now open every morning and budg- modern hero of non-resistance”. He had But Austin argues that “there would our pressure and at some point it would et proposals are under construction, in preparation for the been arrested, incarcerated and physical- have been little incentive to free so many start to affect their decision making is forthcoming audit. ly tortured in 1988 for leading pro- prisoners for the remaining hardliners in valid. In this case this is what we mean A report on differential college fees is also underway, as is democracy student protests. After 15 the regime, themselves responsible for a by Amnesty Works.” CUAI has engaged a college MCR questionnaire and the establishment of a years of solitary confinement, he vast range of human right”. He claims much local support in their ongoing working group with the University. Keeling is said that next declared “it has been worth it” and sent that international pressure on the campaign, from the individual contribu- term’s emphasis will be on addressing issues of concern out his thanks to international students Burmese regime provided the real tion to governmental sponsorship. MP through the co-ordination of different groups. “The changes next term will be more who had supported his cause. incentive for the releases: “this kind of Anne Campbell last week told CUAI visible and productive. However, we still need the help of student volunteers and Min Ko Naing’s release is not simply pressure from such a large number of she was willing to sponsor a general appeal to everyone to get involved.” Charlotte Forbes the result of Amnesty’s campaigning. sources mounts up —thousands upon Early Day Motion on human rights Power struggles have recently weakened thousands of letters, petitions, media abuses in Burma. Not all the King’s men KING’S COLLEGE has been the centre of controversy over University staff accommodation this last term. Many students doubted whether the refur- bished bar could replace the legendary Red Bar, or whether the Cellar Bar could survive at all under the new edict to keep opens at West Cambridge site all drinks to the main Bar. So far both are doing well. Varsity reported at the beginning of term on the appointment Academics offered solution to city centre housing shortage of three fellows at King’s to “advise and guide” the college Provost Dame Judith Mayhew. Martin Reavly and the Charlotte Forbes Reverend Ian Thompsom have been elected to the positions

ffice of First Bursar and Dean of Chapel and are due to take up LAST WEEK Cambridge MP Anne their posts from 1 January 2005. James Laidlaw has announced his intention to ess O Campbell opened a new accommoda- r resign as Senior Tutor, and a Senior Tutor Search Committee comprising both tion centre for visiting academics and Fellows and student representatives has been instigated. Sarah Marsh

university staff in the West Cambridge rsity P site, which it is hoped will go a long ve way to alleviating the acute shortage of suitable housing in the city. Like it or mump it The centre, designed by London- idge Uni based architects MacCormac THERE HAVE been 80 cases of mumps clinically diag- Jamieson Prichard, comprises 206 nosed since the beginning of term amongst Cambridge Cambr apartments of varying size and is only students. An estimated 6000 students have received the a short distance from the city centre, MMR vaccination through the University wide and with regular bus services to and from College immunisation programme in Cambridge. the site. At the opening ceremony A University spokesman said: “According to the Health Campbell congratulated the Protection Agency we have done everything we can to con- University on an “imaginative and trol the spread of infection.” Their aim was to halt the spread forward-looking development”. With of infection before the end of term so as to avoid it spreading house prices rising so quickly in the around the country when students return home. area, many members of staff have had Many Cambridge students who were affected by the outbreak have now recovered to move out of Cambridge and com- Architect Liz Pride shows Anne Campbell MP around the West Cambridge site and it is hoped that the vaccination programmes have controlled the situation. mute into the city, but it is hoped that Lucy Phillips the centre will allow more people to Childcare committee. The need for and more people are choosing to come come back. better provision of childcare services to university as mature students… We The £22 million cost has been for academics, staff and students has must do all we can to help the very funded by a loan from the University, long been felt, with currently over able student parents who win places at Gardies: the legacy to be repaid through rental income. 140 members of staff and 40 students Cambrdige to manage the difficult THIS TERM saw the reversal of Gonville & Caius col- The site is particularly well suited to on the waiting list for the two task of bringing up children while lege’s decision to close down The Gardenia. After nearly a scientists and vets, being also the University nurseries. studying themselves.” year of campaigning by Cambridge students past and pres- home of the Cavendish Laboratory of Although childcare provision has When opening the nursery in its ent, the owner of Gardies, Vas Anastasiou, reported that the Department of Physics, the Vet been traditionally associated with sen- own special ceremony earlier in the lengthy discussions with Caius have led to a lease for the School, Computer Science depart- ior members of the University, there month, Professor Richard said she fast-food eatery being secured until 2011. ment and Microsoft European has been an increase in the number of was ‘delighted’ to be celebrating such Anastasiou wanted to thank the college for behaving Research Centre. student parents in recent years with an event. “The availability of afford- “very reasonably” and said that he had “no complaints” The new centre also includes a the expanding number of mature stu- able and accessible childcare is a major about the way in which the situation has been handled. nursery capable of looking after 88 dents, now estimated at around 450. factor in our ability to recruit and He once again thanked the students of the University children, in a move that has been Anne Lonsdale, President of New retain both staff and students. This and said: “We know now that people love us. Thanks to everyone who supported welcomed by Vice-Chancellor Hall and Chair of the Student facility more than doubles the number the campaign.” Alison Richard and the Student Childcare Committee said: “More of places we now offer.” Chine Mbubaegbu 8 OPINION November 26, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

The Damned? Pah. Those simple Hair Necessities Christianity is the counterculture now One of life’s hardest lessons: optimism is all very well, but in the end it doesn’t stop your hair falling out Sam

The changes, at first, are almost defiance of the inevitable. He will fail Orthodox Judaism and the Catholic Richardson imperceptible. The primy verdure to accept his slapheadedness and Cardinalship both provide skullcaps covering the head appears to have its continue to elongate to their full of sufficient circumference to hide Jon usual buoyancy and abundance; but extent his few remaining limp, grey even the most far-reaching barren- o, The Damned have turned on look carefully, and the fronds appear threads. He will shampoo and condi- ness. But God would probably take Cambridge’s Christmas lights. In Beckman thinner. Each hair works to its tion these arid tufts every day. the piss when you arrived in heaven. Sdoing so, they constructed a stage utmost to hide the evergrowing, Children will snigger at him and Numerous snake oil merchants are in Market Square, which stirred some mocking expanse of scalp. At night throw stones. more than willing to take your cash homeless people from their bench. And microscopic hair-demons unearth a in an exchange for ‘guaranteed’ they constructed an anti-God persona, magine how it feels. You know you couple of strands at the corners of the et no one says that hair is remedies involving hormonal which stirred some Christians from are growing old; you realise your head, the brow grows more promi- insignificant. It is a sine qua realignment. There is, however, the their pews, with Lambeth Palace and hour of judgement will come. nent and annexes the rest of the cra- Lnon for Celtic revolutionaries possibility that you might end up local churchmen pointing out that the Inexorable Time is bearing down nium. The forehead is no longer (William Wallace, Rob Roy, Gerry looking like a 1960s East German punk rockers’ proud atheism contrasted Iupon you, and one day soon there will be afore, but part of a vast continental Adams). God would seem a lot less shot-putter or a slightly murderous with the Christmas theme. howling, and lamentation, and tearing of mass of bare skin running from nape omnipotent if imagined with a newly lesbian. Someone, somewhere will I must at this point profess (not con- vestments. You know you are growing to nose. The stubble on cheeks and polished scalp instead of long white offer the opportunity to graft extra- fess) that I am a Christian. In fact, I’m old when you realise you will be bald. chin appears thriving in comparison. locks lapping his shoulders. And, of neous hairs from elsewhere on your an evangelical Christian. That doesn’t mean that I like George Bush, hate homosexuals, and only wear red hood- ies (in fact, I can exclusively reveal that urashi they’re green this year); it does mean that I attempt to dedicate my life to following Jesus, and I’m going to tell you about it. es by Ifti Q Yes, Jesus, the one they named

imag Christmas after. I believe that he is the Son of God; I believe that he was sin- less, that he died on a cross and took the punishment for us; I believe that he rose again so that, if we believe in him, we too can conquer death and gain eternal life. Here today... Going... Going... Gone tomorrow When the message of Christianity is as positive as this, surely all publicity Fewer than half of the people in the There are two ways to deal with course, pulling. At this point Sir body to your head. Fortunately the surrounding it must be good publicity.If world feel this anxiety: most of the rest, this threat: the pusillanimous and the Sean Connery is normally trundled House of Commons All Party The Damned want to tell everyone that instead, must bear the pain of labour and foolhardy. The pusillanimous punter out as the ultimate example of sexy Parliamentary Group on Skin is Christians are ‘weak’ and ‘ignorant’ then the stress of menopause, which seems a shaves his head, hoping to elide vol- slappy; but the SNP’s least dedicated doing stalwart work in bringing such fair enough. We have all received harsh- fair division of physiological evils. untary abbreviation into the onset of supporter gained his reputation as a malefaction to light. However hard er and more cutting criticism from Baldness is the first sign of decay. If firm baldness. But you can never efface love machine when his hair was we deny it and fret about it, we will friends who are considerably better skin, supple limbs and a rosy, hale glow the faint trace that follows the con- plentiful, vibrant and exquisitely collapse silently under the implaca- informed than The Damned. are capped by a gleaming pate, it seems tours between bona fide bare flesh waxed with the aid of a spirit level. bility of baldness like our fathers did There is nothing new about The that age is consuming you top down with and its counterfeit. The optimist will Bald Bond would have been doing before us. We menfolk will simply Damned, or about the controversy that the same callousness that bloodthirsty grow his hair as long as he can in MI6’s accounts. have to take it on the chin. So, how surrounded their appearance in children show to gingerbread men. brave, but ultimately ineffectual, There are some solutions. Ultra- about a beard instead? Cambridge. Complaints about the secu- larisation of Christmas are as perennial and futile as complaints that Cambridge is cold. The festive season is a great opportunity for us Christians to put the Architecture’s demise would matter to us all ‘fun’ back into ‘Christian fundamental- ism’. Instead of lamenting a secularised the past five years has remained in the contribution to each of us through Christmas, we are called to celebrate our top two – a record unmatched by any exhibitions and galleries, theatre and unity around the truth that at Christmas other school. There can be no doubt performance, and the design of end- God showed his love for us by taking on Luke McLaren that this unrivalled teaching record and less events and publicity campaigns. It a human body and coming to Earth. its international reputation are respon- would be a damning indictment on That word ‘truth’ is a dirty word in a Wes Streeting sible for the Department’s established the academic priorities of this community which generally falls in popularity – Architecture currently University if a city so famous for its with the idea that the only absolute attracts more undergraduate applicants architecture and a University so truth is that there is no absolute truth. per place than any other department in renowned for its contribution to some If, in our pluralistic society, you are n Monday, ArcSoc and CUSU Make no mistake: a precedent would the University. of the finest buildings – old and new – offended that I have just told you about are joining forces to make it be established here. If the Architecture The influence of the Architecture in the world, were to close its my belief, consider this: if you believed Oclear to the University General Department were to close, then a sim- Department extends beyond those who Architecture Department. what I believe, wouldn’t you want to Board that we do not want to the ilar fate may await many other small work and study there. The Department On Monday we will assemble out- tell people about it? I certainly do, but Architecture Department to close. departments within the university. has extensive influence on the region, side the Senate House alongside some it would be hypocritical of me to sug- Thousands of you have already signed Architecture, which excels at educating the profession and the Cambridge of the leading voices in the architectur- gest that while I should be allowed to the petitions. Students, alumni and sig- its students, would be closed because of community. Cambridge Futures, a al world. Architecture students have profess my beliefs, The Damned nificant figures within the profession over-exaggerated problems with Departmental research project run in mobilised and fought hard so save their shouldn’t be allowed to profess theirs. have rallied, fundraised and cam- research, despite its outstanding teach- collaboration with the City Council, Department. They are fighting to save Against the backdrop of this pluralis- paigned to keep the Department. Now ing record. It will send out a clear mes- has been adopted by the local authori- it because it is an outstanding tic and materialistic society, faith in God YOU need to turn up to the demo. sage that Cambridge values its research ties and will have a major impact on Department, with an outstanding rep- has something radically different to 1pm. Senate House. Monday. more than its teaching, that it consid- the future of the city. The Architecture utation. It supports its students and offer. Christians and non-Christians Let’s just get that across again: 1pm. ers finance more important than edu- Department also shares a building and insists on the teaching standards that alike need to get used to the fact that in Senate House. Monday. cation, and that in this cut-throat envi- a library with the Department of have enabled it to become the best today’s England the Gospel’s message is In case you haven’t heard, the ronment no small department is safe. History of Art, which would undoubt- teaching facility in this university. counter-cultural, just as it was two thou- University has cast considerable doubt The recommendation for closure has edly suffer enormous disruption were These are values which we should all sand years ago when Jesus and his disci- over the future of the Architecture nothing to do with the quality of edu- Architecture to be closed. share. Their education is being threat- ples were executed because of it. Today, Department and the General Board will cation provided by the Department, or Furthermore, the debate surround- ened. So is ours. Don’t let them stand in China, Sudan and Saudi Arabia (to be deciding on December 8th whether its popularity amongst current students ing the future of the Architecture alone. Turn up and join us. name but a few places) Christians still to follow through with their recommen- and applicants. The Department has Department has barely touched upon 1pm. Senate House. Monday. face a penalty of death for their beliefs. dation to close it. It’s make or break time long been renowned for its teaching the potential impact on visual arts in In comparison to that, having The for the Department, but the impact that standards; it is currently ranked top Cambridge. Students and staff from Luke McLaren is president of ArcSoc Damned turn on our Christmas lights is closure would have is a concern to us all. among schools of architecture and over the Department make an enormous Wes Streeting is Mr CUSU merely something to, er, make light of. www.varsity.co.uk November 26, 2004 INTERVIEW 9 The Clare Essentials e SHort MP e SHort Clar

Rebellious ex-minister Clare Short y of es t talks to John McHugh Cour n Monday evening, Clare stated that the only factor which jus- accountability, is in serious trouble Short addressed the tified this war was that Saddam and requires radical reform. She Cambridge University Hussein possessed weapons of mass pinpointed electoral reform as the Labour Club at the destruction and therefore, now that key to this, believing that a more OCambridge Union to promote her the claim that weapons of mass proportional system which maintains latest book An Honourable Deception? destruction were held in Iraq has the geographical link between New Labour, Iraq, and the Misuse of proved to be a falsehood, Blair Members of Parliament and their Power. Short is currently one of the should be judged on his own criteria constituents is the way to go. Not best known faces in British politics and resign. Clare explicitly stated being easily persuaded I decided to having shaken the government from that in her view Blair ‘must now go’. ask Short if she would be willing to within whilst serving as Secretary for She extended her criticisms of Blair exchange higher proportionality for International Development, with labeling him a ‘liar’ and his actions to strong leadership as a highly propor- many describing her as 'the con- be ‘full of contradictions’. tional system would inevitably lead science' of the Labour Party. Since On a personal level, she clearly to coalition government. leaving government she has not held feels that Blair cannot be trusted: he Her response was that what con- such a high public profile: this made a number of empty promises to stitutes 'strong leadership' is a 'mat- reduction in the frequency of press Short on issues such as the Middle ter of opinion'. In an obvious criti- attention has been accompanied by East Road Map to peace. According cism of Blair and what she described increasing extremity of her opposi- to Ms Short, she was not the only as ‘his decision making clique', Short tion to the government and, more victim of Blair's dishonesty. Blair told me that very centralised leader- specifically, her growing hostility misrepresented the French stance on ship is bad at decision making. This towards Tony Blair. the issue of Iraq to the Cabinet has been shown in Labour's passing Short has never been prone to claiming that the French would of legislation on Foundation leaping on any populist bandwagons never move from their so-called Hospitals, Top-up Fees and Casinos. and dismisses any claims that her anti-war stance whilst the truth of During her talk Short defends her exit from government was ‘managing the matter was that the French right to publicly criticise the leader her political career’. Her political merely refused to go to war with Iraq of her party, claiming that “truth” track record would certainly support until after Hans Blix had had his was the vital element of politics, Clare Short meeting Kofi Annan when secretary for international development this claim as she has consistently request for further inspection time whether it be politicians staying true standing as a Labour candidate in to do, then everything could change. stood by her principles regardless of fulfilled. Though Blair’s competence to their beliefs or truthful informa- the next general election but also As Short wants to see Blair go the cost. When making her way up in deception is shown to shine tion being passed to the public; yet, that some warned her that she may immediately the implication is that through the ranks of the Labour through in this example, there does on the other hand, she wants to see a face criminal charges as a result of she would entrust Brown to take the opposition government, Short seem to be a concerning implication system emerge which relies on com- breaking the Official Secrets Act. party forward in a way which would showed moral integrity by resigning that none of the Cabinet ministers promise to operate. It seems diffi- This seems to be indicative of maintain Labour Party principles. twice, in 1988 over the Prevention of could themselves understand what cult to see how her conviction could Blair's growing use of bullying tac- Her analysis of what will happen in Terrorism Act and in 1990 over the Chirac was saying and they relied on be consolidated with the compro- tics used against those who, despite the future includes Labour winning Gulf War. Perhaps some of the Blair to act as translator of what mise necessary for coalition - though being elected by the British people the next election, quite possibly with a career minded, Blairite ‘yes’ men and were very public statements made by her record speaks for itself in terms to be involved in decision-making, limited reduction of their women could take note of this politi- Chirac. There seems to be no ques- of her personal commitment to truth are expected by Blair to follow his Parliamentary majority. However, she cian’s commitiment to her beliefs. tion that Cabinet ministers lacked in politics. increasingly dictatorial line. When sees this victory as endangered by the Before her talk on Monday she vigour in their questioning of evi- Speaking about her revelations asked if Gordon Brown would be the high levels of complacency in spoke to Varsity on a number of key dence over the Iraq war if they could regarding security services bugging prime candidate for the Labour lead- Downing Street. It does not seem that issues, most notably the subject of not even accurately substantiate the the headquarters of the President of ership, Short agreed that at the an election victory will prove that the Iraq. I put it to Ms Short that before public position of the French. the UN, Kofi Annan, she reveals to moment there is little question that Labour Party is in a healthy state; the war on Iraq, Tony Blair gave the Short progressed to say that the Monday night’s Cambridge audience he is the front-runner, but added Short sees many local Labour Party nation many reasons for embarking current UK political system, and in that she has not only been threat- that if Blair stays on for another full branches already crumbling to extinc- on a war with Iraq but he explicitly particular Prime Ministerial ened with being prevented from term, as he has publicly committed tion and a massive loss of membership across the Labour Party as a whole. In addition to anti-war and anti-Blair feelings growing within Labour, the cause of Labour being under strain is at least partly the “very strange state” of British politics. Clare Short sees Britain as a high- ly politicized nation, discussing poli- tics rampantly. But she also sees the British people as being disillusioned by the current political system. She heavily criticizes the role of both the political press and politicians for their part in alienating the public from institutionalized politics. According to her there is a vicious circle of political journalists search- ing for eye-catching, paper-selling headlines rather than carefully ana- lyzing government policy proposals. This leads to politicians responding by thinking about which policies would be advantageous for them in the short term rather than looking to long-term goals. Disagreements with the leadership of the party from individual support- ers are to be expected; but such a thoroughgoing critique of the Prime Minister, coming from an individual who has worked so closely with him,

e Short MP does seem to raise serious questions as to whether he will be able to hold Clar his party together in support for

y of much longer. es t Cour 10 OPINION November 26, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

11-12 Trumpington Street

ringer/TCS Cambridge CB2 1QA 01223 353422 Editor J F Archibald the Bland [email protected] Michael Der

Deputy Editor DJ Moley

Online Editor Safe Hands Sam [email protected]

Arts Editors Toliver Billy Henry Beverage [email protected]

Photos Editors FiFi Symington Albert Mockel von dem Bussche de la Rostring Mostring Doodoo Chief News Editor JimbobalobDicDocClock News Editors Charlotte Marsh Sharon Sarah Forbes Phillipa ‘Hypnotised’ Lucien [email protected] Features Editor Ross Ionawhat? [email protected]

Science Editor Krystyna Barking [email protected]

Interviews Editor Jollyboy Ram We know it’s not Christmas yet. But we don’t care. Have a nice holiday [email protected]

Travel Editor Michael Walker [email protected]

Idler Editor Oliver Broke’em This is the tyranny of the [email protected] Theatre Editor ArtsFront Harper [email protected] majority, not democracy Music Editors Ned and Jessica Holland [email protected]

Queens’ has pre-empted the new smoking ban. Can’t they just leave us alone? Classical Editor OJ Simpson [email protected] his is a no-smoking slightly intimidating Londoner section,” declares the stinking of Jack Daniels and breath- Film Editors Agatha Poland notice, beneath the We do not go to ing obscenities down your neck London Styles obligatory symbol of “ Mary knows the real meaning of being [email protected] “Ta fuming cigarette adamantly crossed The Regal to sip oppressed by other people’s out by a thick double line. Fair overindulgence. Literature Editor Rachel Willbook Bowers enough, I would think, were this not: herbal teas and eat “The public have made clear [email protected] a) until very recently the smoking where they want support, where they section of the college bar; and b) the vegan cakes want to be left alone by government, Visual Arts Editor a VERY TANNED venue, of a very sudden without- ” and where they want government to Soph warning theft of our civil liberties (at intervene,” declares the White [email protected] the hands, I suspect, of a rather over- knowing what is best for us, though smoking. But what happened to the Paper. Replace ‘Government’ with Fashion Editors Pat Jennings ambitious and outwardly virtuous luckily we have a gentle and benevo- freedom of choice allowed by ‘nanny’ and you’ll see what I mean. Johanna AtoZ- JCR-ringleader). Smoking has been lent nanny-government (and an smoke-free restaurants, smoking Britons are growing up, like good Sharp banned from Queens’ bar. Now my equally benevolent JCR) to guide us rooms at work and, well, Queens’ little children, under the sheltered [email protected] friend Richard, the last bastion of ill- along the way. college bar conservatory? There are wing of Daddy Blair in our New Sport Editor Arsenal Edelshain health-for-pleasure, stands outside in I am not stupid enough to suggest some instances in which smoking Labour nursery. If you think I’m [email protected] the rain, waving through the smeary that smoking is a completely decent becomes intrusive – when blown in being a little melodramatic with my window, soggy Sovereign in hand. It or healthy habit. But then, neither is your face in a bus stop queue, for metaphor, you should read the part Sub Editors Abby OhReally is a sorry sight indeed. starving oneself of humane levels of example –but the pub, surely, does about food colour-coding. John Wholett sleep for eight weeks, and no bleary- not fit this category. We do not go LauraJane not Foley A little bit of eyed student I have encountered has to The Regal to sip herbal teas and We all know “ received public condemnation for eat vegan cakes. We go to indulge in “ Production Managers NiftiIfti Qurashi self-destruction can doing it. Or, for that matter, been a little bit of communal vice, and it which of our habits David Why Bother! given orders for an early bedtime and is here that we forge our friend- prevent, well, tucked up in bed by the Head Porter. ships. Who are these ‘people’ that are bad for us Business Manager Eve Williams We all know which of our habits are have spoken? “Democracy is simply ” [email protected] self-destruction bad for us. But as many doctors will the bludgeoning of the people for ” Email the business manager to enquire tell you (but not prescribe you), a lit- the people by the people,” said We all have our own self-destructive about placing adverts. Letters for publication Queens’ College JCR have pre- tle bit of self-destruction can pre- Oscar Wilde. See also: Work is the tendencies. We need neither to be told should be posted to your mum. empted the government this week in vent, well, self-destruction. Just look curse of the drinking classes. what is bad for us, nor slapped on the instigating the ban, which will soon at your nearest Cambridge medic back of the hand for doing it. Richard, To get involved in a section, email my mum, and come along to a meeting. No stretch to workplaces, restaurants and you’ll see what I mean. My as I write and no doubt as you read this, experience necessary. Steve McBillbong! and anywhere else you can be in the friend, on a recent trip to his GP, was ot the smoking classes, will still be standing outside in the company of other people (except, told that as long as he received his you’ll note. Since when did Cambridge murk puffing on a damp Varsity is published by Varsity Productions ironically enough, in those pubs marijuana from a reputable source it a pack of Marlboro Lights Benson, and I…well…I may just go Ltd, and printed by Cambridge Evening N News. All copyright is the exclusive property where you can drink yourself to was infinitely preferable to his crip- cause two bleeding men to be pulled and seek out a peachy-skinned, clear of Varsity Publications Ltd. No part of this death at the same time – so long as pling depression. apart outside a pub, or worse, pulled voiced and inwardly trembling member publication is to be reproduced, stored in a you’re only eating a bag of pork I have no argument with the sta- into casualty at 3am? Anyone who of the JCR and put a pack of Camels in retrieval system or transmitted in any form or scratchings). The reason? tistics that show the number of has been pushed into the corner of a their pigeonhole, just in case; but I by any means, without prior permission of the Apparently, we are incapable of yearly deaths related to passive dingy night bus by a more than won’t make them smoke one. publisher. www.varsity.co.uk November 26, 2004 EDITORIAL 11

Letters [email protected] Letters may be edited for space or style

We get thanked. Cool! barrel of a gun. The 'fundamental difference' Do some good that you speak of between countries doesn't Caught on camera Dear Sir, stop Bush inflicting his right-wing Christian Dear Sir, It’s interview season again. Spare a thought for those poor unfortunates agenda on the rest of the world. What is 'con- wrestling with the impenetrable problems bound to beset any would- I write to express my dismay at the descending and ignorant' is to expect that I went into the Oxfam Bookshop earlier be Cantabrian: which college? Gap year or straight up? What to be Oxbridge Admissions service investigated in people are going to passively accept your self- this week and discovered that they have a gift ‘really passionate about’ on the old UCAS statement? Mart or casual? Varsity last week (News, Nov 19), a “morally instituted role as a world policeman, without system called Oxfam Unwrapped (www.oxfa- And how to prepare for being asked to surprise your interrogator? bankrupt” company profiting from worried vocally criticising your policies. munwrapped.com). I thought that many peo- Interviews are inevitably terrifying, and the truth is there isn’t very applicants' desires to succeed. For several years ple might be interested in this but might not much that can be done about that. There’s no getting away from it: - since I was a Cambridge applicant myself in Yours Peacefully, have heard of it, which is why I am writing to however the purpose is phrased, everyone knows that the root of the 1999 (I am now a graduate student) - I have Alex Swallow Varsity in the hope that this will bring it to the thing is working out how clever you are. Only a fool would enter the been running a similar service for prospective Emmanuel 2003 attention of your readers. room where such a decision would be made without having a slightly applicants, but with at least one major differ- It is very simple: you buy a gift, and Oxfam dry mouth. But the nerves are not helped by the apocryphal nonsense ence: that of cost. donates it to someone in need. I particularly which surrounds the process, and the university is to be commended On my website, www.oxbridge-admis- New internationalists liked the idea of a goat loan scheme: a goat for its efforts to make things as open and comprehensible as possible. sions.org.uk, students who have applied can will set you back £24 and the first female kid The introduction of an online video to let prosepective applicants provide details of their interview experiences Dear Sir, goes to the village goat loan scheme so that know something of what they can expect is an excellent step along the and applicants can view these accounts , all the process can be repeated. In return, they difficult path to demystifying the interview process in particular, and free of charge. It is purely an information-pro- Reading the travel section of Varsity (Nov send you a card with a picture of your chosen the Cambridge experience in general. viding service which allows people from any 19) I was once again annoyed by having to gift, which says “I've bought you a goat... but In the end, though, this is basically a cosmetic step. Because inter- background, especially those who do not have settle for the patronising perspective of out- I've sent it to someone who needs it more views are about assessing things which can’t be figured out from a piece access to any resources such as mock inter- siders, who congratulate themselves for their than you.” You give this card instead of a of paper listing A-level grades and What I Read On My Holidays, it’s views, to gain some background on the inter- insightful elucidation of life "beyond the nor- more conventional present, hopefully bringing to be expected that the criteria and process are a little nebulous – but if view process, and to demystify it: having come mal tourist route". great happiness to both the family and the the university is really serious about levelling the playing field, it should from a similar background myself, I can vouch Varsity (unlike most publications) does not receiver of the card. do more to ensure that the experience is approximately comparable for the amount of help such little insight can need to settle for second-hand accounts of life There's a large range of gifts, of varying whether you apply to Girton or John’s. To date, the university still does be.The many emails I get thanking me for the in other countries penned by Brits who con- types and prices. While obviously not suit- not require its academics to undergo any but the most cursory training website’s help - help which I have merely gratulate themselves for having some mean- able for every present for every person, I excercises – and only makes these compulsory for new interviewers, facilitated, and which the many generous ingful insight in the reality of foreigners. wonder how much difference could be made when it is precisely those who are most set in their ways who are like- Oxbridge students have provided - add sup- In Cambridge we have a wealth of inter- to people’s lives if a few more of us sent a ly to benefit from being made to think again about their approach. port to this conclusion. national students who would no doubt wel- brood of chickens or a goat this Christmas, This plays into the hands of those who would dismiss Cambridge as I have never considered - and never will come the opportunity to tell others more rather than something which we probably an out-of-touch institution staffed by old duffers only interested in pert consider - charging for this service. It seems about their places of origin. The quality of don't really need anyway, and which will be public schoolboys, and it should be a top priority. Like supervisions, absurd to me that a company's entire business the travel section would be immeasurably forgotten the next day and buried under a interviews are a superbly individualistic element of this univeristy’s plan is founded on this notion of profiting improved if its articles were written from the pile of old wrapping paper. approach, and they ought not give way to other means of selection; but from neuroses and circulating the image of an viewpoint of people who call those countries if Cambridge really cares about challenging people’s preconceptions, exclusive network one needs to “buy into”. home, instead of outsiders. Helen Foxhall Forbes they must do more to ensure that the scrupulously fair and reasonable Thank you, Varsity, for exposing this com- And that’s leaving aside the banal obser- Trinity College online interview videos are not fictions, but fact. pany, and I hope that students will continue to vation that the section is in any event only use resources which are free to all, rather than aimed at those students who can afford for- to those who subscribe and pay. eign travel... Can anyone help?

Designs on us all Jennie Lees Mary Nel Hi One positive thing to come out of the threat to Architecture: Trinity College Sidney Sussex College every other department in Cambridge must be richly envious of [email protected] While I was visiting your city a week ago, I the fierce loyalty and creative assistance shown by the student found out your web site, so when I came back body.Walking around the architecture faculty today, one Varsity Rock Rage to my country I went to check it out. team member marvelled at the enthusiasm shown by ArcSoc God damn them Cambridge is very nice indeed. A friend of members, who were selling badges and T-shirts, distributing flyers Dear Sir, mine who lives there brought me around and and posters, and generally expressing little interest in anything but Dear Sir, I appreciate a lot your living style. the survival of their department. This week a student organised There is not the space here to explain the We went in a local craft market of which I work experience auction raised a remarkable £3,500, and even if As a Christian, it is with great interest that complexities of the small celtic nation down in don’t remenber the name, it was in the city the sale of a chance to get ahead in the industry to the highest bid- I read that The Damned are to turn on the the far southwest, but I want to say that if you centre and I met a man who sells frames with der is a mildly dubious funding method, the innovation and pas- Christmas lights this year (News, Nov 19). don't understand what this is about, it’s pictures (it’s the first market stand in the right sion of those who are doing all this is genuinely exciting. And Not only have Cambridge city council gone to because you don't know enough about hand side when you walk in). The man, when warms the cockles of the heart. somewhat extreme lengths to turn the Cornwall, and what you do know is probably I told him I was Italian, got emotional because This Monday sees a protest which the university has disdained by Christmas message on its head once and for spoonfed by the tourist industry or other He did the second war world in the navy, his refusing the same permission regarding Senate House which it all, they seem to have thrown the whole “peace anglicising sources. Reading articles like division was in Brindisi and Taranto in south granted when fees were the issue of the day, and which has been and goodwill” idea out of the window as well. ‘Cornish Capers’ (Travel, Nov 19) makes of Italy. He said to me he would like to go to slightly stymied by the failure to secure the police’s permission to So when an eight year old child asks his mum Cornish people like me howl in despair. the same place where he did the war, before march. Despite this, as Wes Streeting and Luke McClaren argue on or dad what we are celebrating on this annu- It seems to me that there are 3 views of his died. I got emotional too. page 8, the event is a real chance for the rest of our student body to alfestive occasion, what are we going to say? Cornwall: 1) that it is a small celtic nation I don't know is name, but maybe you could show its solidarity with the architecture department. There are those Disgraceful behaviour? A chance to drain our with a culture, history and language different know the craft market which I said and maybe who whisper that Architecture is a testing ground, that other ‘dispen- glasses and bank accounts? Religious intoler- to England. 2) it is a lovely quaint english you, with the help of your communities, can sable’ humanities might be next – so even if you don’t give two hoots ance? Take the Christ out of Christmas if you county. 3) That it has beaches and you can help to realise the dream of that man. about what the buildings you live in look like, there are valid self- want, but be careful what you replace him drive there to get wrecked. interested reasons to attend. Varsity won’t be coming out next week with. We shouldn’t have to put up with view 3) Pietro Cucchi to report on the demonstration; so if you want to know about it, you’d any more than any other nation: it’s us who Italy better just go, instead. And, get a t-shirt. After all, if his or her Mark Hopkins choose to share Kernow with you; it’s us that department manages to survive, the student who made it might be Fitzwilliam College make the sacrifices; it’s us that wear the false (sic) famous one day. smiles so we don’t spoil your hard earnt vaca- tion. But why should we? If all we get is prop- A Bush basher strikes back erty programs and a denial we had anything to Correction Statutory last words sacrifice why don’t we just start burning down Oh, permit this minor self-indulgence. At least it’s not a fashion Dear Sir, emmets houses already? When the property In a news piece entitled ‘Off with OFFA, shoot starring the Varsity staff. (It’s happened before.) Thanks, prices have increased to the level that no-one says Howard’ (Nov 19), we mistakenly gave everyone, for making it what seems to me to be more than an excuse As a recent grad of Emmanuel College now who has lived in the county all their life can Joe Powell the title ‘CUSU higher education for a student newspaper. We have been blessed with an extremely living in Japan, I have to take issue with afford to stay, whilst Londoners, retired cou- funding officer’. Mr Powell and CUSU pres- talented and congenial editorial team, which has gone a long way Devon Runyan`s letter about the bashing of ples and the like will happily build or buy their ident Wes Streeting have both asked us to towards making what has the potential for being a nightmarishly Republicans (letters, Nov 19). dream home, when the young people of point out that this is not the case; in fact, Mr arduous enterprise into the opposite. Why should people come to knock on Kernow are unable to live in their own nation, Powell is a termly officer at the Cambridge Space does not permit, but Amol, Eve, James, Lucy, Chine your door to understand your political opin- when they find their culture and history is University Labour Club. The error was intro- Sarah, and Charlie, Henry, Olly, and especially the indispensible ion? Perhaps they are too busy: if you want to being pointlessly destroyed, what will they do? duced in editing. Apologies for any confusion. and under-recognised Ifti and David, deserve special praise, explain you need to get out there and spread Another hilarious point about the Cornish because they are special. And everyone else whose name is listed in the word yourself. Americans need to under- Capers piece was the article beside it, which that bar to the left. And everyone who’s written. Also, the long- stand that many people`s issue is not with talked about wandering off the tourist trail. Isn’t Helen Foxhall suffering and gentle-spirited and open-hearted Laura. And par- their country, or even the Republican party, it Try it, or go home. Forbes nice? Her self- ents, friends, generous supervisors, pets. And your mum. is with `Dubya` himself. lessness gets her two free I was going to write a pompous bit about why student journalism How can you complain about Europe W Manley cinema tickets. See how matters, and how great it is that Varsity is independent, and how good wanting to 'force' its` ideals on your country? www.picturehouse.co.uk goodness is rewarded? an editor I think Amol will be; but I think on reflection that the Last time I checked, Europeans weren’t in the for listings shorter these things are the better. So let’s leave it at that, shall we? States instituting their ideals through the Will you need cash in 2005?

Part-time Temporary work for students at the University of

Cambridge Development Office….beginning Jan ‘05

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We offer:

Attractive rates of pay starting at £6.35

per hour, with attractive incentives.

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We need: Articulate, lively students with excellent spoken English to tele- phone alumni on behalf of the University.

Students who care about the University and would like to help its development efforts.

For details and to apply, contact in the first instance

Gilb Fletcher on [email protected] quoting ref: MT2005

(Preferably before the end of this term)

14 SCIENCE November 26, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

A brief history lshain of vaccinations Adam Ede Krystyna Larkham goes back to the roots of the dreaded mumps jab

t started in China, and quickly This latter was a particularly useful spread. By the early 1700s it had side effect of the strange process, which reached as far as Turkey, and was involved injecting ground up scabs bought back to England by Lady from smallpox blisters into the blood. MIary Wortley Montagu, the wife of a Jenner grew up to be a country doctor, British ambassador there, altering the who noted that milkmaids, often in health of an entire nation. Soon variola- close contact with cows infected with tion, the process of deliberately infecting the non fatal disease cowpox, did not a healthy individual with matter from bear any signs of smallpox scarring the sores of a smallpox sufferer, was souring their creamy complexions. adopted by the health profession, and Whilst science has not noted exactly Squeamish about needles? Well, at least your mumps jab can’t be as bad as being injected with cowpox by Edward Jenner despite causing illness in most inoculat- how he made this discovery, it led him ed, and even deaths in a few, the system to conduct his now infamous 1776 Like any defence system however, epidemic at the turn of the century, I was vaccine, two children in the same fam- was deemed a success. Death rates due experiment, infecting a small boy first vaccinations are not without their critics. a member of the Health Committee of ily can appear to develop autism post to Smallpox were down, severity of the with cowpox and then deliberately with The scientific community has been London Borough Council, and I learned vaccination, whereas thousands of illness was reduced, and the young pus from smallpox sores. Thankfully for attacked almost from the very imple- how the credit of vaccination is kept up other infants inoculated with the same Edward Jenner did not contract the the boy, Jenner’s reputation and the mentation of our national vaccination statistically by diagnosing all the revacci- batch are symptom free. The explana- potentially fatal disease. modern pharmaceutical industry, the programs, of falsifying results, of filling nated cases (of smallpox) as postular tion may lie in a genetic disposition to boy didn’t get ill. The world’s first the coffers of the pharmaceutical indus- eczema, varioloid or what not-except reaction; already it has been discovered attempt at vaccination had succeeded. try with ‘lies, damn lies and statistics’. smallpox”. False diagnosis is the direct that children from a family with high Vaccine Facts One hundred years later, and more It is this latter which lends most opposite, diagnosing a disease the rates of neurological disorder are three than as many miles, Louis Pasteur weight to the anti vaccination lobby. patient is not suffering from, such as times more prone to neurological Vaccines make our two-fold was investigating the decimation of Many reports on the success of mass vac- polio,falsely boosting numbers of report- problems post combined diphtheria immune system believe its defences French livestock from Anthrax and cinations base their findings on the inci- ed cases. This practise died out with the and tetanus shot. have been broached. The first Chicken Cholera. Accidentally leav- dence of infectious disease since 1940, implementation of mass vaccination, So what is the future for vaccines? response elicits symptoms character- ing valuable cholera strains in a warm and indeed show marked decreases in the lending greater weight to the success of Recent trials of a vaccine for HIV in istic of any type of infection, like a laboratory over a long summer, childhood illnesses included in the the vaccination programs. Thailand have all failed, and our annual fever. Meanwhile, the adaptive Pasteur was frustrated on his return scheme. What the reports fail to note is It is not just the effectiveness of vac- flu vaccination programs for the sick and immune system develops a specific to discover that injection of this once that these diseases had been in decline cines which is called into question by the elderly give protection against lstrains response to the pathogen. Once cre- virulent solution into his test chick- since the start of the century, allowing anti-vaccination camp, however. The likely to be circulating now.The vaccina- ated, the response is stored in the ens had no effect. Once a new strain critics to conclude that it is not vaccina- ‘MMR scare’, linking the combined vac- tion development process is slow, and memory cells of the immune system, had been cultured however and tion, but just better living conditions cine with autism and crippling bowel must constantly keep up with ever for up to a life span. Subsequent injected into the same test animals, which has decreased the incidence of disease is the most well known of horror mutating viruses and bacteria. infections with the same micro they showed complete immunity to childhood illness. In a 1970s vaccination stories, but for almost every vaccine suc- There is some hope however; cancer organism result in a swift action by Chicken Cholera, whilst the new cul- trial for Tuberculosis in India, more indi- cess story, there is a footnote of unease. vaccines are performing well in clinical these memory cells to eradicate it ture killed previously uninjected test viduals suffering from TB were found in Only last week an Aberystwyth teenag- trials, and this week saw the announce- The injected material must be safe, subjects. Pasteur had discovered a way the vaccinated than unvaccinated popu- er had a reaction to his BCG shot seri- ment of a vaccine for the cervicl cancer but recognisable by the immune sys- to create 100% successful animal vac- lations. In Oman’s Polio outbreak of ous enough to hospitalise him, and the causing Human Papilloma Virus. It is tem as the cause of disease. This can cines, as proved by his public anthrax 1988, the highest incidence of the dis- American Government has admitted thought that the newly developed DNA be done by: killing the organism trials, vaccines which went on to save ease was in the regions of greatest vacci- that along with the 84% of anthrax vac- insertion vaccines, which do not prompt before injection, (typhoid); injecting the French government the 7M nation coverage and vice versa. cinated troops who suffered some form a reaction from the body’s immune sys- only the antigen, (flu); weakening francs owed as reparations after the The Scientific community requires of allergic response to the injection, the tem but rather provide the tools for the effects of the pathogen (MMR); Franco Prussian War. valid statistics for acceptance of new poorly tested vaccine may have been the attack, will see a new generation of reac- injecting only the toxins produced by Nowadays, a vaccineless world is research. However mis-diagnosis, and cause of death of 22 year old reservist tion free, 100% effective protection. the micro organism, (short term unthinkable. This invisible defence false-diagnosis, allegedly practised by Rachel Lacey last April. Until then,whilst he Nuremburg code diphtheria and tetanus immunity), or shield, faster and more effective than the medical profession, can and do And yet, these numbers of deaths forbids forced vaccination, in refusing the infection of the individual with a ‘Son of Star Wars’ could ever be, success- greatly alter the numbers of cases of dis- and reactions are miniscule compared one you are potentially exposing not just similar organism, (the BCG to pro- fully recruits our own immune system to ease x reported in any given year. to the thousands injected daily by yourself, but your entire ‘herd’ to infec- tect against TB). combat pathogenic attack, whilst prim- George Bernard Shaw observed on mis- global vaccination programs. Despite tion. It is our collective choice; we must ing it for the next. diagnosis: “During the last considerable this, in the case of the triplicate MMR use it wisely. Bangers and bubbly: what puts the fizz in your pop

Zoe Smeaton compounds containing charcoal and sul- ing the tongue from the very first sip. high compared with a mere 0.58 in peo- phur, which upon ignition cause an Contrary to popular belief though this ple drinking flat champagne. .net e explosion that exerts an upwards force fizzy feeling is not generated by bursting It is unclear how the bubbles can ireworks and champagne, fire- on the shell and lights its fuse. This fuse of the bubbles crammed into cham- cause faster absorption of alcohol, but imag works and champagne, they go burns so that at the desired altitude it pagne, but rather comes from tiny acid some scientists suggest that the carbon ‘Ftogether like a....’Well it doesn’t ignites a second charge within the shell. burns occurring all over the tongue. As dioxide speeds the movement of alcohol rhyme, and its not even always strictly A second explosion ensues which dis- the carbon dioxide bubbles enter the from the stomach into the small intes- true. But once a year - the 31st of perses and lights stars from the firework. mouth they dissolve in saliva and the gas tine (where almost 80% of the substance December to be precise - they do indeed These stars often contain metal dust is carried into the tongue tissue where is normally absorbed). go together like the proverbial horse and which shines brightly upon heating, giv- the enzyme Carbonic Anhydrase con- Drinking flat champagne, on the carriage, and this Hogmanay, I am ing the sparkling effect observed from verts it into carbonic acid which causes other hand, is almost as bad as staying in determined to have both. the ground. Chemicals emitting the burns. This explains why drinks with your parents on the big night. And what better way to see in 2005 coloured light, complex shells which containing bubbles of other gases, such Using tall skinny flutes provides less sur- than with some exciting bangs? break in several stages, and artistic as Guinness in which the bubbles are face area than the shallow goblets often Fireworks come in a variety of forms, arrangements of the stars within their composed of nitrogen, feel smoother used at New Year and so dissipates the from the relatively primitive hand-held shells, combine to create the dazzling and less fizzy. bubbles more slowly. The champagne sparklers to the glorious aerial versions displays we witness each year. The bubbles in champagne have a lot can also be stopped from frothing over used over Midsummer Common. With work to improve fireworks more to answer for than minor burns, the glass top by pouring into a wet glass. Despite their differences, all fireworks, ongoing, the displays can only become though. Many people claim that cham- The coating of liquid reduces the rate at great and small, require a combustion more spectacular in the future. But what pagne goes straight to their head, and it which gas particles are drawn to and process of some sort. Sparklers use a wire of the all important bubbly factor? Most seems the bubbles are to blame. assemble around surface irregularities, scaffold coated with a slow burning people are agreed that champagne Experiments carried out at the hence slowing the formation of bubbles compound that often reaches tempera- should be consumed on special occasions University of Surrey showed that in vol- and preventing frothing over. tures of up to 900°C, whilst firecrackers such as New Year, but why champagne unteers drinking the same amount of Armed with these tips you’ll ready to are all about dramatic explosions gener- in particular? alcohol per kilogram of body mass, those make the most of your New Year toast ated using gunpowder-like substances. Champagne distinguishes itself from drinking fizzy champagne averaged 0.7 now: all that remains is to choose which Commercial aerial fireworks are the average celebratory tipple by means milligrams of alcohol per millilitre of party to attend. “To champagne and fire- Freudian, innit? launched as shells, powered by explosive of a delectable tingling sensation, warm- blood after 40 minutes. This value is works!” Oh, and 2005. www.varsity.co.uk November 26, 2004 TRAVEL 15 Have a Ho Ho Ho-liday this Christmas All of our options have to be better than watching the Queen’s speech with your mum... Diving in Egypt as British temperatures plunge In search of a White Christmas r

pparently Osama Bin-Laden’s s snow fell in Cambridge this brother owns the Hard Rock week and with the holidays Café in Sharm-el-Sheikh, coming into view, I was

which is a fact that surprised reminded of the time I spent etton Callende r Ame when I saw a group of Egyptian Olly Batham Askiing in the last Christmas vacation. waiters unashamedly dancing along to I took advantage of a cheap late-avail- YMCA. Sharm-el Sheikh is not Egypt, ability deal and travelled to the popular although it is, technically, a part of that Tyrolean resort of Kitzbühel, in western James St country, at the end of the Sinai Austria. Worrying that going so early in Peninsula. The Egypt of popular imagi- the ski season to a resort of only 760m in nation is a place of history, of pharaohs altitude would yield little snow, my hopes and pyramids, of ancient treasure and were instantly raised as I arrived amidst spectacular landscapes, contrasted, per- heavy snowfall. haps, with endless desert. Sharm does A short transfer from Salzburg later, actually have these things, but they’re my hopes were realised. In Kitzbühel, I made out of plastic and plaster, adorning was greeted by a traditional Austrian cheap casinos and themed hotels to mountain village, in all its winter splen- please European tourists seeking cheap dour – snow topped chapels and cobble sun. Sharm is one of the most fake towns stone streets. But there was clearly a that I have ever visited, mostly because of pedigree for skiing as well: the vision of town, Kitzbühel offered a lively après ski the fact that it’s a new town, designed for an illuminated ski run in the night sky programme. There were plenty of bars the sole reason that anyone should both- provided immediate testament to this. and cafés to choose from and Mountain er to visit – the diving. Indeed, Kitzbühel offered a full compli- Cafés were in abundance, providing a The best thing about the town is ment of open, groomed pistes to which welcome break after a morning of red- leaving it, getting out of the heat, the area lift pass gave full access. I man- runs. They served up delicacies such as away from all the street hawkers that aged to explore the whole mountain Gernknödel, Glüwein and of course, the have moved in from Cairo to try and range during my stay. high carbohydrate Bratwurst. If we were sell cheap perfume, getting away from Up one side of the valley, the lucky, lunchtime would be accompanied the McDonald’s of the desert. Kitzbüheler Horn was perfect for begin- by the often piercing music of local Apparently this desire to leave didn’t ners or those wishing to break themselves Tyrolean bands. There were also oppor- used to be the case; before Sharm I was always somewhat disparaging trained in some pleasant waters, if back into skiing gently having not skied tunities to swim and slide the slides at became a town that catered for diving about the Red Sea; I’d dived places you are new to diving, and even get for a year. Most impressive however, was the Aquarena, whilst other activities tourists, it was a small settlement that that had rarely been dived before, some interesting dives in; it also the other side of the valley which consti- included night time sledging at a pur- was home to hardcore divers, at the where tourism was barely happening. means that there are more and more tuted the bulk of skiing. Apart from the pose-built track and floodlit skiing on edge of the desert and the sea. Now I wasn’t sure what could actually be interesting sites – especially those for famous World Cup Hannenkamm the Hannenkamm for those who had there’s a hyperbaric chamber and the offered to someone who, perhaps more advanced divers – being found downhill run, the remainder of the ski not got their sufficient fix during the day. Navy on call should there ever be an arrogantly, considered themselves an regularly. The SS Thistlegorm, an area was mainly suited to intermediate When I took the time to stop skiing emergency at sea, so some aspect, at experienced diver. You can’t do par- admittedly overdived war-grave, is level skiers offering a varied range of red- and admire the scenery, I was not disap- least, of the thrill of danger posed by ticularly deep diving in Egypt; limited still definitely worth a visit if you get runs, as well as some challenging blacks. pointed. Frosty sunrises over The Backs extreme sports has been removed. by law and insurance to diving to less the time. It’s unique in the fact it’s the The descent into Kitzbühel provided a had nothing on the panoramic views Sharm doesn’t stop at night so if than 30m unless you’re on a technical right way up, and it’s easy to pene- smooth run home after an arduous day’s across the Alps into Germany and the diving doesn’t take your fancy, or you course. However, there is more than trate to have a look at the holds. It skiing in addition to spectacular views of snow covered pine trees littering moun- have a day off the next day, you can enough to see in that limit. The coral also has a unique atmosphere the resort. tain sides. always go into some cheap nightclub in the Red Sea came as something of a amongst the wrecks that I’ve dived. Kitzbühel was also good for snow- Kitzbühel was not as expensive as you next to a Bedouin themed restaurant, disappointment to me: if variety and Thistlegorm is a war grave, and the boarders with a fully equipped snow might expect of a premier skiing resort. or go to one of the plenty of bars size of coral is really what you are full holds give the diver a curious sense park, though the area did have limited Food and drink whether in monopolistic offering beer, coffee and shisha and looking for in a dive, go to the Far of seeing a moment slowly being eroded off-piste opportunities. It did, though, mountain cafés or in a bar in town were British flags. East. But most people want to see fish, by the sea. have its fair share of jammy-4-year-old- reasonably priced as was the lift pass You can, of course, go to the desert, and there are thousands of fish down A week is enough to get a snapshot of helmeted-semi-professional skiers (about £90) which gave access to whole if that takes your fancy. But the reason there, more than I’d seen before, from what can be offered. Luckily, more sites bombing it down the piste each day in ski area (160km of piste). most people come is simply for the tiny clownfish to megafauna, reef are being discovered all the time, espe- addition to the silver haired, lycra-clad Accommodation was also cheap since it waters. Even in winter, they’re much sharks, turtles, manta rays, and, for cially further down the coasts. This also ex-downhill racers imperiously showing was a late-availability deal – about £270 warmer than UK waters; and thanks the lucky diver, hammerheads and the means that the dive industry is spreading off their linked turns. The ski area was for seven days half board in a three star to the Egyptian government’s forward odd tiger shark. However, there are further down the gulf, opening more of also sprawled across a wide area; I found hotel – a fraction of the price many resi- thinking policy of creating underwa- also a lot of other divers, who are the sea up. So as Sharm-el-Sheikh the walkie-talkies were a must for anyone dents paid. ter natural parks, the variety of life is often too adept at scaring off the more town becomes increasingly tackier and wanting to keep in contact with a group; So as the term draws to a close, scan rather good down there – although it interesting wildlife. annoying, at least the avid diver is secure they also provided an ideal medium for those Teletext pages religiously to find is being slightly damaged every day by More than just fish are offered. The that there is always something out in the eavesdropping on other groups’ conver- that cracking deal – it’s not as expensive novice divers who have a lack of vast number of diving schools out sea for them to find. sations and random MC-ing. as you think. respect for coral. there mean that it’s possible to get Olly Batham Skiing aside, for a small Austrian Tom Elkins Work off those extra mince pies in Scotland oby Speight

Peter Bell T snow line had already been reached, the snow and the metallic clash of ice and our boots were starting to slip on axe meeting rocks hidden beneath the t was 6:45am and still dark as we the compacted ice of the path, but surface. stepped out of the car, braving the there were many more hours of Finally we were there, posing for chilly wind funnelled through ascent ahead. photos on the frost-covered cairn, IGlen Coe. Dressed in thermals Some hours later, the snow in the axes raised triumphantly. The moun- and windproof tops, hats and thick corrie was deep and hard, and it was tains of Scotland stretched to the gloves, and with plenty of spare layers time to strap crampons onto our horizon, white and tall, even the dis- in our rucksacks, we were ready for boots and retrieve our ice axes from tant ranges appearing distinct in the anything the Highland weather might their cradles on the back of our packs. clean winter air. bring. This, the week between We climbed up a steep gully on one Some flee to sunny climates to Christmas and New Year, when most side of the corrie and broke though a escape the cold, dark British winter. of our Cambridge contempories cornice, an over-hanging wall of They go to the sun-drenched beaches would be sleeping off the excesses of snow, to attain the summit ridge. The beckoning from the front pages of Not me: this Christmas, while my Scotland. Britain does cold and dark earlier nights, we were in the Western wind had dropped. The sky was a travel agents' magazines. Others head parents and sister are heading to the well, and Scotland does it best - so Highlands of Scotland, tackling one watery blue, and even the weak win- off on skiing holidays, a way of tam- airport en route for Val D'Isere, I'll be why not take advantage of the island of Britain's mightiest mountains. ter sun tried to dazzle us off the bril- ing and sanitising the outdoors with throwing my boots and crampons in we live on? The beautiful snow and We were high above the valley liant snow. Then came the final push enumerable road markers, a night life the back of the car, along with a few ice, clear skies, and then comfortable when the dawn finally started to for the summit. All we could hear to rival any city, and a mountain crates of food and wine, or even some firesides, content in the knowledge break, bringing to the snowy tops was the crisp crunching of crampons, restaurant never more than a short whisky, to bring cheer in the long that we've really earned those extra above us a warmer, pink glow. The the squeaking of boots compacting lift-ride away. evenings, and heading up the M74 to mince pies. BRIAN RUNNETT PRIZE /stage COMPETITION 2005 listings powered by FRIDAY 26 The Brian Runnett* Prize for organ

19:45 ADC Footlights and ADC present Great Expectations playing is open to all Junior Members of

23:00 ADC CUADC present Matilda Liar! the University. 22:00 Pembroke New Cellars How not to come out to your parents 19:45 Emma College, Queen’s Bldng REDS - The Government Inspector 1. The Competition will take place 20:00 Homerton Auditorium Hats and ADC present The Tempest FRIDAY 26 on Tuesday 8 March 2005 in St 20:00 Pembroke New Cellars Hedwig and the Agry Inch FEZ Stu Banks Chunky House 19:45 Queens College Fitzpatrick Hall A la reserche du temps perdu John’s College Chapel. CLARE Fat Poppadaddys The soulful sounds tie up the term JUNCTION Pop Art Indie, alternative, retro, pop SATURDAY 27 2. Candidates will be required to SATURDAY 27 19:45 ADC Footlights and ADC present Great Expectations play: 23:00 ADC CUADC present Matilda Liar! FEZ Liquid People Africanism All Stars and Defected Records 22:00 Pembroke New Cellars How not to come out to your parents (i) Vivace (first movement) only CLARE Fat Poppadaddys The soulful sounds tie up the term 19:45 Emma College, Queen’s Bldng REDS - The Government Inspector from Trio Sonata No. 6 in G JUNCTION Dot Cotton The best East-Anglian night 20:00 Homerton Auditorium Hats and ADC present The Tempest major BWV 530 Bach CAIUS Overnight Celebrity The best in A List celebrity blinging 20:00 Pembroke New Cellars Hedwig and the Agry Inch BOILER ROOM Scrambled ‘Ed Hip hop and Jungle from Rez 19:45 Queens College Fitzpatrick Hall A la reserche du temps perdu (ii) Fugue only from Sonata ‘on the th National Student Drama Festival 94 Psalm’ Reubke SUNDAY 28 12-14 & 15-17 St Chads Octagon ACTORS Play & The Actor’s Tool Box LIFE Sunday Roast Cheese and Chart 12-14 Jane Harrison Rm, Newnham WRITERS workshop 3. The St John’s College Chapel 15-17 Jane Harrison Rm, Newnham DIRECTORS workshop MONDAY 29 Places are limited: email [email protected] Organ will be available for practice SUNDAY 28 (two hours per candidate) during FEZ Fat Poppaddaddys Mix of Funky Grooves the fortnight before the COCO Dynamo CUSU Eclektix with Fabio 23:00 ADC CUADC present Matilda Liar! Competition. TUESDAY 30 19:45 ADC CUADC present Whose Line is It Anyway? MONDAY 29 4. Intending candidates should inform BALLARE Top Banana CUSU’s event with Joe Scully 19:45 ADC Footlights and ADC present Great Expectations Caroline Marks, Assistant to the COCO Licked That urban flava LIFE Unique LBGT extravaganza TUESDAY 30 Director of Music of St John’s WEDNESDAY 1 19:45 ADC Footlights and ADC present Great Expectations College ([email protected]) by Monday 7 February 2005. BALLARE Rumboogie Sports Men and Women 19 & 21 Corpus Playroom Cleansed and the Pitchfork Disney 23:00 ADC The Lover THURSDAY 2 WEDNESDAY 1 In the event of a large entry, a short-listing procedure will be COCO Urbanite CUSU Hip Hop and RnB 19:45 ADC Footlights and ADC present Great Expectations implemented. FRIDAY 3 19 & 21 Corpus Playroom Cleansed and the Pitchfork Disney 23:00 ADC The Lover 5. There will be three adjudicators: JUNCTION Ezio Acoustic sounds KING’S Sadominglism Jehst and Friction THURSDAY 2 Mr Paul Trepte, Mr Colin Walsh and Dr David Hill. 19:45 ADC Footlights and ADC present Great Expectations

19 & 21 Corpus Playroom Cleansed and the Pitchfork Disney 6. The value of the prize is £240. Earn an extra £50 - £500 a week 23:00 ADC The Lover 19:45 Michaelhouse Centre Fleet present The Winter’s Tale Simple, ethical home-based business The Gilbert and Sullivan Society FRIDAY 3 opens auditions for it’s week 6 Lent term Show Can work around your current commitments 19:45 ADC Footlights and ADC present Great Expectations at the Cambridge Arts Theatre For free info and video/DVD call 01327 652053 or 19 & 21 Corpus Playroom Cleansed and the Pitchfork Disney Orpheus in the Underworld www.HighEarners.co.uk 23:00 ADC The Lover 19:45 Michaelhouse Centre Fleet present The Winter’s Tale Please contact [email protected] No experience is necessary for this professional production.

Congratulations Ben and Cherie Auditions for on getting hitched. xxx 'Victimese' will be held in Peterhouse Music room on: FRIDAY 26TH NOV - 1300-1600 SATURDAY 27TH NOV - 1000-1130 SUNDAY 28TH NOV- 1100-1400 CAMBRIDGE FOOTLIGHTS announces Smoker Auditions Email Gytha Lodge ([email protected]) for (for Tue 30th Dec), to be held Saturday 27th from more information. 12:00 till 2:00pm, in the ADC dressing rooms. Auditions will also be held for this year's SPRING REVUE - the Footlights Lent Term Main Show - to be held between 4:00pm and 20:00pm this Saturday and Sunday AUDITIONS FOR in the Angevin Room, Queens' College.

ADC Week Six Lateshow

‘Lunch’By Steven Berkoff

Auditions for Lent Term 2005!! 12pm–4pm Sat 27th, 25th-28th November 2004 Sun 28th Nov. Six Degrees of Separation By John Guare Queen’s Building, Emmanuel College Week 4 Main Show in Pembroke New Cellars Contact Thomas (tce25) for info. Fri 26th: 1-6pm, Art Room, King's Sun 28th: 10-2pm, Art Room, King’s Director: Stacey, ssg28. The Fire Raisers By Max Frisch Week 4 Late Show at the ADC Theatre Sat 27th: 11.15-4pm, ADC Dressing Room Sun 28th: 12.30-5pm, ADC Dressing Room BATS announces auditions for... Director: Tom, 07813630766, wtfs2. Titus Andronicus HAMLET By William Shakespeare To be performed at the Corpus Playroom. (Performed Week 6 Lent Term) Sat 27th: 11-6pm in N7, Pembroke Thursday 25th and Friday 26th Sun 28th: 12- 7pm in N7, Pembroke November, 3 - 7pm, Director: Daisy, deb31. Old Kitchens, Queens' College. An Ideal Husband By Oscar Wilde ABIGAIL'S PARTY Week 7 Main Show in Pembroke New Cellars: Sat 27th: 11-2 in O Supervision Room, Pembroke (Performed Week 4 Lent Term) Sun 28th: 12-2, 4-6 in O Supervision Room,Pembroke Saturday 27th and Sunday 28th Director: Edmund, eh277. November, 12 - 4pm, Bailegangaire Angevin Room, Queens' College. By Tom Murphy Week 7 Late Show in Pembroke New Cellars Thu 25th: 4-8pm, F1b Cripps Building, Saint John’s. THE MORNING AFTER OPTIMISM Fri 26th: 4-8pm, F1b Cripps Building, Saint John’s. (Performed Week 6 Lent Term) Female parts only. Saturday 27th November, Director: Liliane, lc357. 11 - 4, Fitzpatrick Hall, Queens' College. For more info visit www.pembrokeplayers.org. www.varsity.co.uk November 26, 2004 LISTINGS 17

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Discount Monday - Thursday Pay for your 1st visit full price and 2nd with 20% Graduate Union – discount on the above prices. Volunteers Wanted! Offer valid till 4th December. Do you have skills, ideas and enthusiasm to spare? Stand-Up Sun Bed The GU needs - either regularly or one- £5 for 6 minutes / £3 when you buy 10 ses- off - IT help, webmasters, events helpers, poster designers, committee reps… sions Please sign up at • 45 Newnham Road • Cambridge • CB3 9EY • www.gradunion.cam.ac.uk/volunteers.html Tel. 01223 566663 and come and meet us: Wed., 1st Dec., 8pm at the GU Nr to t he Granta Pub

Shadwell and the Fletcher Players present... SMORGASBORD festival of new writing now in its 8th year, smorgasbord is a vibrant showcase for writers, actors, directors and everything in between. Showing up to nine new plays in one night, this is a creative challenge not to be missed. We are currently advertising for the positions of: CREATIVE DIRECTORS, PRODUCER Please email ks370 or ajmb2 for more information by MONDAY 29 NOVEMBER.\We also invite:WRITERS, to submit scripts for consideration to:The Secretary, Smorgasbord, Corpus Christi College by FRIDAY 14 JANUARY.Email ks370 or ajmb2 for more information. 18 November 26, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

Idler’s world news Kettle, pot accused Chris Smyth rounds up the most important and titillating stories of the week of ‘racial comment’ American Liberals vow to understand their concerns and values, saw the implications of the new law. hide their contempt better and show them we respect their redneck, “Parliament has made it unambigu- gay-hat… er, their deeply held moral ously clear that it is prepared to place Adam Edelshain ‘next time’ convictions.” animal welfare above human enjoy- view with The Idler, Toaster revealed ment, even in the face of a concerted AFTER SUFFERING years of abuse, that Pot was a closet character, making AFTER MUCH soul-searching fol- Battery chicken celebrates opposition campaign. I think this is a Kettle has recently decided that appearances very rarely and only at lowing George Bush’s decisive victory in ban on foxhunting very strong sign that a ban on battery enough is enough and is pressing special times of day. “He’s almost never the American presidential elections, farming cannot be far away. Soon we charges against Pot for racial jibes. As a been out past 10 o’clock. He’s a com- Democrats have vowed that next time may have space to turn around, free- football fan, and a firm favourite at half plete freak. I’m glad that someone’s they will conceal their scorn for dom from the sharp beaks of others, time, Kettle has declared that now is trying to nail the old fool. He’s also Republican voters much more thor- and inadequate diet. And light, natural the time to try and stamp racism out of bitter at the popularity of Microwave oughly. “We lost,” said Democratic light…” the world, whether it be in football or and needs to be taught a lesson.” National Committee chairman Terry 3344/55#’s comments were cut short the kitchen. In his statement to the McAuliffe. “And that means we’ve had when he was slaughtered, eviscerated press, Kettle announced his intentions to think long and hard about where we and turned into three sandwiches, a cup- to take Pot to court, and is thought to “Pot may well get went wrong. In the end we think it a-soup and a box of nuggets. be seeking compensation. put away for comes down to our failure to pretend to Kettle was recorded as saying “I am respect our opponents’ opinions. We’re Iran promises to stop fed up of being pejoratively called some time” going to do better next time.” nuclear production ‘for now’ ‘black’ by that Pot. It is clearly racially Massachusetts Senator Ted motivated, totally unnecessary and not Kennedy agreed. “We’ve really got to IN WHAT is being hailed as a major even true. For the record I come in a Toaster later added, “Pot’s not just listen to ordinary voters next time,” he diplomatic breakthrough, negotiators wide variety of different colours.” a racist. I mean, he hisses all the time said. “And, even more importantly, to from the EU trio of France, Germany Pot has expressed his anger at and spits a lot but we’ve seen him not then mock their ignorant, ill- and Britain have struck a deal whereby Kettle’s statement and a close friend of smoking too.” Pot’s smoking habit is informed and bigoted opinions.” Iran will commit to freezing its urani- Pot’s believes he will counter-sue unconfirmed but another leading Defeated Presidential candidate um enrichment program “for the time Kettle for besmirching his good name. publication ran the headline John Kerry also admitted mistakes. being”. Pot himself has gone public to say that “CrackPot” only two days ago and “It’s true I could have done more to Many western observers believe he has never been racist and that the though the sources of the aforemen- pander to the gun-loving fundamen- that Iran intends to produce nuclear quote has been taken out of context. tioned article were possibly dubious, talist nutjobs during the campaign. A Chicken: has valid opinions of own weapons, for which enriched urani- He then cited that “If anything, Kettle this does indicate the threat of a bur- few more hunting photo-ops was all it um is crucial. Under the new agree- is the racist. I know that most of the geoning drug habit. would have taken to fool them, right? CARCASS 3344/55#, a battery chick- ment, the Iranian government has vegetables I cook tend not to be black, To ascertain whether the nation I mean, we all know I’d have ignored en housed in an intensive farming unit said it will not move to industrial- but look at Kettle. Have you ever seen was in support of Kettle, we ran a them once we’d actually won. I sure near Hull, has greeted the passing of a scale production of weapons-grade him boil anything that wasn’t clear? quick poll. Pot seems to be con- won’t be making that mistake again.” Bill banning fox-hunting with jubila- material ‘just yet’. I’ve heard that he’s often referred to as demned by the public, with Cutlery New York Times columnist Paul tion. “This is excellent news,” said International analysts agree this is a a ‘kettle of fish,’ but it’s a lie. He does- sharpening their knives in anticipa- Krugman, a noted liberal, made a similar 3344/55#. “A major breakthrough for positive step. In the view of Paul n’t like fish. He’s the racist.” tion of a swift and brutal verdict. point. “I do think the perception of arro- animal rights in Britain, and a truly pos- King, of the Institute for Strategic Kettle refused to comment when The Judge will be making his deci- gance and contempt for ordinary people itive sign for the future.” Studies, a full-scale nuclear war in the these remarks were put to him, but sion early next week, but a court cost us the election. Next time we need Speaking from his 30cm by 20cm Middle East is now unlikely,”‘for the Toaster has come forward in full sup- insider was heard to say, “Pot may to work harder to persuade them we cubicle, 3344/55# explained how he foreseeable future.” port of Kettle. In an exclusive inter- well get put away for some time.”

David Varsity’s production Tories shoot own feet managers turned and agony aunts solve Ifti your problems Stefan Fraczek investigates TORY PARTY members were relieved any party had been tempted to instigate last week when, after a short absence, the an affair with her, before refusing to Dear David and Ifti, smell. I’d like to make some friends Party returned to its policy of shooting comment any further. I’m really worried about my mother – before I finish my mathematics degree itself in the foot with the controversial Johnson's comments after the death she has recently split up with my father next year. How should I go about it? sacking of Boris Johnson, following the of Ken Bigley are also cited as a reason and now has a fetish for younger men. Yours, claims that he had an affair with a fellow for his sacking. A Central Office source She keeps coming to visit me at uni but A Loner, New Hall Spectator columnist. claims that Boris' controversial article in constantly flirts with and chats up my Backed by several senior Tory MPs, the Spectator may have cost the Tories

male housemates. They are starting to Dear Andrew, Howard insisted that the real reason that .boris-johnson.com their key target seat of Liverpool think that I am really weird but I haven’t Yeah, that’s a bit sad. Don’t worry he had sacked Johnson was because of Walton. With an "encouraging" 6% of

got the heart to tell my mother not to though. As they say every man is an how he denied the allegations regarding www the vote in 2001, a swing of just 36% is come up to visit. island, and yours is just well fortified, at his fling with Petronella Wyatt, and needed to topple Labour's fragile major- Love from, least in the olfactory sense. Everyone hence committed the cardinal sin of ity of 18,000, and it is feared that this A Camper, Caius tries to defend their island, with varying telling lies. He did not respond when will no longer be possible. Indeed, some degrees of success. Me, I like picking my some pointed out that his recent state- political analysts speculate that this Dear Anthony, nose. You’ve got the smell thing going ment "Conservatives will win the next could be a crushing blow to the Oh dear. It seems to me that your for you. Be glad that its not something General Election" was perhaps an even Conservatives' hopes of regaining their mother is craving affection. You must more debilitating, like being a twat. bigger lie. support amongst the few thousand make sure that you are there for her but Good luck, Having successfully alienated tradi- working-class Northerners who might at the same time try to demonstrate your Ifti tional Tory voters by sacking their actually consider voting for them. own independence and show that these favourite MP, Howard went on to alien- The Labour Party condemned the housemates are your contemporaries Dear David and Ifti, ate the rest of the country by speaking sacking of Johnson, seeing this incident and not hers. My girlfriend keeps hinting about out against Boris' sexual misconduct Johnson: has valid feet of own as "yet another example of Tory extrem- Nil carborundum. some ‘sexy lingerie’ and ‘pink fluffy (although aides pointed out that this or university students." ism against immigration, the working David handcuffs’ that she would like for elicited a very positive response in the Senior Tories, never fully comfortable class, and now Boris Johnson." Charles Christmas from Ann Summers but I’m crucial age 74 - 89 demographic). with any form of charisma on the front Kennedy, meanwhile, promised that the Dear David and Ifti, too embarrassed to go in there. "We do not stand for fornication in bench, were quick to back Howard. Liberal Democrats would never have I have no friends. I think there is Best, our party," Howard concluded. After "Adultery is completely unacceptable in sacked such a popular and well-known something wrong with me. I thought A. String, Pembroke another backbench rebellion broke the Conservatives," added Ann public figure from their front bench - that making friends would be hard but out, he hastily amended his statement, Widdecombe. When confronted with that is, he admitted, in the unlikely event not this bad. I must admit that I don’t Dear George, assuring voters that "the Conservative the names of David Mellor, John Major, of a popular and well-known public fig- like people very much and people gener- Just do it. Enjoy the festive season. Party nonetheless has absolutely no and Edwina Currie, she blustered that, ure having become a Liberal Democrat ally don’t like me because they say that I David and Ifti prejudice against gays, single mothers, in her entire political career, no MP of MP in the first place. Alas, this is the last idler. Thanks to all who contributed articles over the past weeks November 26 2004 varsityarts The world will listen, but only if you turn it up

Stuart Fox feels like music is taking familiar with the wonders of having an hours’ tedious labour has rewarded inane, and providing the usual sound- office radio. Cocooned in a drab set- you with - in getting drunk as quick- track to the drug and alcohol fuelled ting day after day, that radio supplies a ly as possible; sing along to Chesney revelry which obliterates reality for a over his life - and it’s stuck on repeat vital source of diversion, a window to or similar; get a kebab and a taxi few delightful hours each week. If you’ve been clubbing recently, you rather be, and most absurdly, that the apparent freedom of the world home; and if you’re lucky, maybe even What we all need to do is be a bit may have witnessed - or perhaps they’re ‘not the same as all the rest’. outside; you can be steered through cavort with the opposite sex.’ more individual and independent - to been involved in - one of the most Right, so everyone’s here in this the day by it: once Chris Moyles has The implication is undeniable: think for ourselves, be different. You ridiculously ubiquitous spectacles sweaty club, most inebriated, dressed done one of his hilarious musical par- amusement is merely a prolongation could eat at one of those ethnic occurring nationwide. Picture the similarly, and affirming their odies it’s likely time for the morning’s of work, defined only in its perceived places down Mill Road instead of scene: alcohol consumption rising; unshakeable sense of individuality by tea break; Ken Bruce’s quiz heralds opposition to the fetters of the work- going to Pizza Express; not buy all inhibitions fleeing; confidence collectively incanting an insipid early lunch time; and by the time Colin and ing week. Entertainment and the your clothes from H&M; create your swelling at the same rate as the 90’s pop song. Edith depart, home time seems com- media are complicit: the radio is the own Libertines fanzine called ‘The throbbing, overpopulated dance Okay, so they’re just trying to have a fortingly close. friendly voice that assuages until the Dilettantes’ instead of buying the floor. As that anthem of contented good time, the ‘cheesy’ atmosphere is a As the end of the week approach- weekend; television generates vicari- NME; buy a rotund cat, name it individualism, Chesney Hawkes’s tonic to the stresses of over-burdened es, the DJs on local radio encourage ous excitement every evening. Pop Capitalism and poke it with a biro. ‘The One and Only’, resounds, you lives. However, a serious point arises you to go out and ‘have it large’ in music lives up to its name only by Perhaps Chesney was right after can see people singing along in uni- from this miasma of bad taste. If one of the night-spots that glut every aurally assaulting listeners, creating all. Come back, all’s forgiven: we son: declaring that they are the one you’ve ever worked a typical, monoto- city; the subtext of which is ‘spend a false appetites for compositions which need your songwriter to tell us what and only, there’s nobody they’d nous 9-5 office job, you’ll no doubt be fair chunk of the money - which 40 are usually only as ‘catchy’ as they are to do next... pick of the week image of the week Learn from your betters...

Sado-minglism Part II Kings College, Friday 3rd December

The termly mingle offers music lovers the chance to party hard to a spectactular line- up.With Jehst, DJ Friction and our very own DJ Moley, this is going to be a roadblock.

I Heart Huckabees Arts Picturehouse,from 26th November

David O’Russell’s latest compelling comedy looks really really good. It’s been hyped, it has Dustin Hoffman in it and it looked real- ly good in a trailer I saw the other day.

The Lover ADC Theatre, 30th Nov - 4th Dec, 11pm

Pinter’s drama of sexual politics takes an apparently stale relationship as its starting point.This ADC lateshow promises to chal- lenge and fascinate the audience.

Chorus and CUMS I Kings College Chapel, Weds 1st Dec, 8pm

Winner of the CUMS Composition photo courtesy of Competition Catherine Bott presents Holst’s Hymn of Jesus and Vaughan Williams’ Sea Symphony.

w w w . p h o c u s . o r g . u k OPEN Talk: Underwater Photography Kettle’s Yard 13 November - 2 January Saturday 27th November, Winstanley Lecture Theatre, Trinity College This exhibition showcases some of the liveli- est art being made in the East of England. Easter Festivities in Damascus, Syria. By Nadia von Maltzahn Weighted towards painting, with landscape and travel as recurring themes.

THIS GIRL PLAYS THE BANJO; I WANT TO WORK WITH HER MUSIC, PAGE 22-23 WHY MAKE ANOTHER FILM ABOUT A GRIM NORTHERN CHILDHOOD FILM, PAGE 25 EVERYONE’S READING CHILDREN’S BOOKS LITERATURE, PAGE 27 20 THEATRE November 26, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Walking in a Freudian wonderland Marat de Martha Spurrier and Mathilda Imlah explore the darker side of the psyche Sade

Sarah Kane’s Cleansed is like an inhala- he ‘ego’ – whose waking or dreaming sta- tion before the apocalypse: Philip tus is the pivot of the action. Ridley Harriet Walker Ridley’s The Pitchfork Disney is like an studies the process of transfiguring exhalation afterwards. These are not the horrific to the beautiful, a theme witnessed the sheer polar opposites, but rather approach a central to Cleansed, but with shift debauchery of it all meridian of the psyche through choco- on-Dem-Bussc towards naturalism. As Sivapalan late and masochistic buggery. Sivapalan l-V states, redemption is achieved Musicals are often painful and their directs both these plays consecutively in through retelling. audiences oddly masochistic - imagine the closeted space of Corpus Playroom, This redemptive element is per- then, a musical featuring the Marquis t Mocke with a rotating cast consisting of solid r haps the counterpart to the apocalyp- de Sade. The Lady Margaret Players’

Cambridge talent. lbe tic vein which courses through both production of Peter Weiss’ Marat de Cleansed is a difficult play to stage. A plays. It is a balance between love and Sade bases the dilemmas (and the After a decade of adjustment to such violence, dependence and decay, singing) of the French revolution and work as Kane’s, confrontational theatre is which dampens the audience alien- the Napoleonic wars inside a mad- still not well-received by British audi- ation usually achieved by confronta- house, where the deviant de Sade ences. This production addresses the tional theatre. argues with the philospher Marat problem head-on, aiming to strike a bal- Upon the strength of the acting and about matters of social idealism. All ance between graphic art and vivid direction that we saw these difficult this and a chorus line. human perception. This is overt experi- pieces of theatre have much potential. Don’t be fooled: Marat de Sade is no mental theatre, but refreshingly its vio- They should be seen because as texts Les Miserables. There is none of the lence is not lost in a political wilderness they are not – and yet should be – part of pompous gesturing and optimistic – instead channelled into an angry and the Cambridge canon. marching with dirty faces that we may diverse sensitivity. associate with French-inspired musi- Whilst the Daily Mail dubbed Which is the ego and which is the id? Cleansed and The Pitchfork Disney are cals. The production is unrelentingly Cleansed, “Dirty filth”, Sivalapan recrafts half, a cramped and internalised struc- Following Cleansed is Ridley’s The at the Corpus Playroom disturbing, from the interruptions by this pejorative as a double negative; the ture. It is framed by hostile faceless fig- Pitchfork Disney: an equally explorative, from 30th November - 4th Decmber the wailing inmates to the on-going play actually derives its emotional inten- ures, choreographed to create an awk- but gentler foray into the psychology of at 7pm and 9pm groping of bodily parts that madmen sity from escalating brutality. Moreover, ward and limiting dimension, felt keen- an embedded emotional complexity. As Performances will be followed by dis- seem to enjoy so much. as a drama about love, brutality is all the ly by cast and audience. producer Roz Gater points out, this cussion in the bar of the Arts Theatre The production is ambitious and the more poignant. Approaching the generic stylisation of piece is less shock factor and more a sub- cast enthusiastic, but there is something The play traces the machinations of a the play, Sivapalan brings great directori- tle mental perversion. See varsity.co.uk for a worrying lingering behind this play group of inmates, simultaneously abused al innovation, particularly in the realisa- A nightmarish vision of conscious which makes it incredibly uneasy to and sustained by the institution. There is tion of the surreal. What we saw in and subconscious is evoked by twins journey into theatre stage and watch. And I don’t mean the a deliberate discordance in the piece rehearsal was markedly polished, well Haley and Presley – themselves an from the dark side ever-present, lurking Marquis. which reflects this; the set is, in the first conceived and perceptive. embodiment of the Freudian ‘id’ and There are moments of comic genius and Ben Hadley commands attention in his role as the Herald, Lover in the afternoon but there are also moments of intense poignancy, which James Kinman’s portrayal of Marat brings out magnif- Lisa Owens Jenny Lee as Sarah delivers a capti- icently. But then there is the problem vating performance. Her voice is melo- of this poigancy maintaining its equi- Following on from John Osborne’s dious, but perfectly controlled, hinting librium (and a straight face) when the Look Back in Anger in the Corpus at complex frustration beneath her brass band strikes up and the rest of Playroom earlier this term, The studied politeness. Her movements are the cast start dancing. Lover, by Harold Pinter, offers us impeccably timed: a suggestion of a A play that takes quite a lot of get- another take on the stifling domes- pause before getting up to perform ting used to, the production is not for ticity of mid-twentieth century mid- domestic tasks, or routine habits, such your average musical-goer. This is the dle-class Britain. Directed by as lighting a cigarette or taking a sip of dark side of Lloyd Webber, although Sophie Middlemiss, this ADC whisky, sensitively highlights the chasm just as opulent when it comes to the lateshow promises to be a slick, pow- between Sarah’s predictable daily exis- staging.Strait-jackets abound and erful production that will challenge tence, and the expressive, emotional Marat sits throughout in the bathwater and fascinate the audience. being she longs to be. he will eventually die in, surrounded by The protagonists, indeed the only Dan Mansell’s interpretation of eerily dirty off-white lunatics. characters, are Richard and Sarah, a Richard is meticulously observed and The production also encourages suburban archetypal bourgeois cou- exciting to watch. His clipped tones and audience participation, as you could ple, who escape the sterile monotony quick, sharp reactions very successfully well find yourself sitting next to the of their marriage by inventing sexual portray a man riddled with insecurities, owner of the asylum, Coulmier (played role-playing games. Richard comes desperately trying to maintain compo- by Ben Bland) or being dragged away home from work in the afternoon as sure in the face of fundamental self- by any one of the gibbering inmates. ‘Max’, Sarah’s lover, and their erotic doubt. These performances are full and This is a fast-paced and offbeat pro- personas take on a life of their own, complex: clearly the result of a thorough, duction which skews expectations and providing an outlet for their other- but organic rehearsal process. gives them a good hard seeing to. wise repressed creative impulses. The set design will reflect the stark The fragile structure of this contrast between the cold reality of Jenny Leigh: “her voice is melodious but perfectly controlled” At St John’s School of Pythagoras arrangement begins to break down Richard and Sarah’s relationship, and the resentation of the frustrated adherence This production of The Lover looks from 30th November - 4th December when Richard, no longer comfortable thrilling liberation that is unleashed in to marital conduct, and covered in tight, certain to reach its full potential, with its at 7.45pm with the silence between reality and the afternoon ‘lover’ sessions. The set is starched white sheets. The atmosphere remarkable attention to detail and alter-reality, blurs the boundaries, divided into two sections: the bedroom in the living room will be one of heady thoughtful, sensitive direction. forcing the two worlds together with and the living room, which will indicate seductiveness with diaphanous materials At the ADC Theatre from 30th And the rest... cruel determination. different moods. The bed is a visual rep- and blurred patterns. November - 4th December at 11pm THE TEMPEST at the Homerton Auditorium Telling tall tales on a winter’s night until Saturday Arthur House of Complicité, Frantic Assembly and in favour of St. Michael’s Church, and The majority of the action will the RSC. Oh, and he’s doing a PhD the use of lamps, cloths and abstract unfold on a thrust stage in the west ‘Exciting new theatre companies’ in on Shakespeare. We should probably movement should create something end of the church (now a cavernous Cambridge are nothing new or excit- give Fleet’s first venture, The Winter’s fresh and engaging, whilst the attractive café), but the crucial ‘statue’ scene at ing, but here comes another one: Tale, a chance. cast (from the brief scenes I saw) show the end will happen right down in Fleet. The last thing I want to see is From conversation, it is clear that some real promise. front of the altar, creating a holy yet more students resorting to Blackburn understands the need to dis- The Winter’s Tale, for those that distanced perspective from which to Roz Gater and Kay Drage Shakespeare as a safe option, under the pel the popular arrogance that don’t know, has nothing to do with believe or disbelieve. To say any more Downing impression that the reputation and the Shakespeare magically ‘transcends his- winter (or Christmas, for that matter). would be to spoil Blackburn’s party. I ‘sacred’ text of our national poet will tory’ in a way that no other writer does. Part courtly, part domestic, part pas- am intrigued to see if it works. Ferdinand and Miranda made mask their own ineptitude and put To make a 1611 play resonate today toral idyll, it comes close to being trag- your heart swell. The camp bums on seats. Shakespeare is really requires more vision and imagination ic only to achieve redemption, pressing At the Michaelhouse Centre, Trinity Trinculo was side-splittingly hilari- hard to do well, but director Nick than one that was written last year. The heavily on the interface between illu- Street, from 29th November - 3rd ous and the whole production Blackburn has worked with members eschewal of traditional student venues sion and reality. December at 7.45pm was slick and imaginative. THEATRE www.varsity.co.uk November 26, 2004 21 Lying Matilda Dickens with a twist Jonathan Beckman bers discover that secrets are lies, sim- ply by virtue of silence. Tess Riley tucks into a generous slice of festive cheer Kids don’t get scarred enough these All of the cast are engaging. Going to a panto is like taking costumes, dodgy scene-changes Damian the Turkey as “like the mys- days. The tellytubbyfication of chil- Particularly impressive are Richard J your boyfriend to Cocos; and some brilliant one-lin- tery of the Virgin Birth”. dren’s culture has led to an entire Thomas as the father, whose jovial you’ll laugh, you’ll shout ers. I was particularly fond No fan of Dickens would leave generation believing that their future persona hides a sea-swell of selfish- with frustration, and of the educated cow, satisfied without a worthy portrayal is fluffy and bouncy. Little blighters ness and rage. Nikky Arding’s Fiona, you’ll witness some very played by Jonny Sweet, of Magwitch, and Nick Mohammed in previous ages, force-fed a grim who has left her husband and chil- dodgy dancing. But the most eminent cow in does not fail to do the character jus- diet of the Brothers Grimm, soon dren, manages to combine a prim guess what? You still his…field. Not only is tice, playing with words like they learnt that life was short, brutal and brittleness with a spirit of compas- love ‘em at the end of the this bovine a delightful were poppies in his sand, I mean painful. sion and conciliation. day. tease, but later returns to puppies in his glands, I mean…you Matilda Liar is a fairy-tale which At the top of this pyramid of thes- And so we come to the join the two rapping know what I mean. combines modern parental worries pian excellence is Esme Harwood’s annual family visit, the ghosts of Christmas Oh no you don’t? Oh yes you do! and woes with the fabular narrative Matilda. Her timing is perfect and Christmas show: in November. Present and Future, as And how do you? Because it’s panto. of Hillaire Belloc’s Cautionary seemingly effortlessly. She spits out Well, time does funny things the cow-ghost of It’s fun, it’s a great laugh and the act- Verses.. Matilda’s constant lying caus- acid jibes with her eyes burning. Yet in Cambridge and, if the Christmas ing is wonderful. The excitement of she also captures Matilda’s emotional wrapping paper is in Pluperfect – Christmas is captured in the lively depth, her need to love and be loved. Sainsburys, it can only English stu- spirit of the performance and the A little girl deeply Most importantly, throughout, she mean one thing: this year’s dents have show is a wonderful treat for the remains a little girl, with cutely pantomime is here, clearly had a whole family. troubled by stripped socks and a potentially adapted from Dickens’ look-in on Miss Havisham (Zack Simons) as hypocrisy cherubic grin, who is deeply troubled Great Expecations by this script. the sexed-up, street-busking, blues- by inconsistency and hypocrisy. Simon Bird and Joe Dan singing hussy is a scream in her wed- Chris Adam’s clear and cogent direc- Thomas and pre- Mansell ding-cake dress, and her make-up es her mother, father, brother and tion, bar the occasional unfocused shuf- sented by the puts on a certainly made me scream. sister intense irritation. She is a sen- fling, gives each of the characters the ADC in collab- sparkling Yet again Footlights/ADC have sitive teenager, willing, desperately, opportunity to display genuinely com- oration with perform- put on an excellent show for the end to be turned into the beautiful plexity. And there is a gruesome ending Footlights. ance as Mrs of Michaelmas term; my only slight princess she knows, deep inside, she for those who think that repressed Now, I could Joe, Pip’s niggle being the long gaps of dark- doesn’t resemble. homosexuality and broken families are have a wee pun down-trod- ness, while the scene changes occur. However, when she takes a truth not painful enough. on the title before I den sister.He However, this did not spoil the great pill, her involuntary honesty pushes Honestly, cross my heart and hope get going – “I had great works very evening I spent having a giggle with this family over the brink towards dis- to die (OK, maybe I won’t go that far), expectations for this well with the my friends. All that’s really left to functionality. The necessary lies and hop along to the ADC for an evening play and they were all “nice-but- say is “I had great expectations for faux ignorance that we all employ in whose dark humour is the perfect fulfilled” blah blah blah dim” Joe, her this play and…” You know what’s order to maintain working social rela- complement to the upbeat ending of – but that would just husband, played coming next. No, you don’t? Oh yes tionships are blown away by the the similarly excellent panto. delay the nitty gritty of by Oli Robinson, you do! whirlwind of Matilda’s veracity. A this article. who describes party not only falls apart in chaos but At the ADC Theatre until Well it was fabulous. the unexplained At the ADC Theatre until December turns dark and sinister as family mem- Saturday, at 11pm Lots of music, fantastic loss of 4th at 7.45pm

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www.varsity.co.uk November 26, 2004 STUDENT FILM 25 Scenes from student film-making Cambridge film-makers give Varsity a glimpse into what’s up-and-coming James Hurley and his yellow plastic fish Vow of Bastardy: The Beautiful Pursuits of Love and short, sharp cuts within my films. a manifesto on the Inanimate Objects is a short film I have long regarded film-making about a man who thinks he’s being as an art and I believe that, with state of film today chased by plastic fish. Yellow ones. short-films in particular, every frame I have been making short films for counts. So much modern film-mak- from the Onan the past three years now and I have ing is about security, both financially tackled themes such as bullying and and artistically. Genuine interest in Collective homosexuality in my previous work. the art of creating original and mov- When directing I prefer to let the ing cinema is being replaced by the actors dictate the way I shoot a scene, desire for safe and successful com- especially if it relies heavily on dia- mercial enterprise. In making the I. Dogme 95 – Vow of Chastity? logue. I hardly ever storyboard, pre- film I sought to demonstrate the Bah! A poor prophylactic, rolled off ferring to be inspired by the locations massive potential in both student as soon as it became clear that film- as I reach them and long languorous film-making and even the smallest goers need more than just a knee- Tormented by a yellow plastic fish takes always take precedence over of budgets. trembler in a badly lit alley…

II. Asking the right questions is easy. Asking the wrong questions is Matt Knott on rescuing the Freshers’ Film from meaningless frivolity risky, because you might get Unlike Vanilla Coca-Cola or Christina Acknowledging this fact though is meaningless frivolity, it fell straight between our three actors. And some- answers you didn’t know you were Aguilera, I am strongly of the opinion only the first step away from student into the pit hole of meaningless mean- how, from somewhere, a little story awaiting! that student film-making deserves its film hell. Equally nauseating are those ingfulness. Hopefully though, we real- sprouted, totally improvised, which bad reputation. films which - however spunkily writ- ized just in time that the compulsive finally had a ring of truth about it. III. The Right Questions: The first works of most budding ten and executed they may be - ring urge to say something interesting is Question: what was it like to grow film-makers are invariably horrible stunningly hollow in their attempts to probably the reason that most student SCREENINGS: up in 1970s Glasgow? Answer: concoctions of dialogue left on the say something meaningful. films fail to be so. Ratcatcher. Question: what is it like Dawson’s Creek cutting room floor, a This proved to be the biggest stum- And so, happy in the knowledge The Cinecam films The Beautiful to have to move to Hollywood to pornographic over-use of budget zoom bling block in creating the Freshers’ that none of us really had anything to Pursuit of Love and Inanimate Objects make your name? Answer: effects and alternative camera angles - Film, Something to Tell.Aiming at a ten say worth saying anyway, we started and Something to Tell will be showing Memento. Question: what is it like all of which really only serve to high- minute running time, we were always again from scratch. It was this process on Tuesday 30th November 7:30pm to feel that your country’s film light the general awfulness of every- working on a small scale, but every which lead us to that elusive trump in the Queen’s Building at Emma industry deserves only self-parody? thing on screen. time we pushed the script away from card: apparently genuine chemistry Answer: Once Upon a Time in the Midlands. Question: which are the best films about American multi- From Psycho to se7en, via Quentin Tarantino nationals selling substandard goods to the UK? Answer: Bridget Jones, Imagine the introduction to David I will take on the director’s man- Love Actually,Notting Hill… Fincher’s Se7en. Alfred Hitchcock’s tle again, and have planned a shower murder of poor but not so Hitchcock style romance story called IV. The Wrong Questions: innocent Marion Crane. Twist in Zoe which will get much of its zest Question: why make another film some samurai swooshing, with from his masterpiece Vertigo. about a grim northern childhood? blood-soaked Uma Thurman as the The other project which I have This we already know: that there Bride in the Kill Bill double bill. had on my mind for some time is are a lot of grim northern children. With these visuals in mind I The Undergraduate, which explores Question: why complain that the wrote the script for the black-come- another one Hitchcock themes, that wrong scripts get funded? Jean-Luc dy/horror, A First Class Degree of mistaken identity. Godard often didn’t even have a Murder, a film about students under When filmmaking I have always script when he began a film, or pressure to top the year. and they worked with the idea that I make funds. But he did have a camera. will stop at nothing to get rid of films for myself. Maybe I use it as a Question: British director, why do their competitors. defense from potential tomato you pretend to be American? There The main actor from this short also throwers, but it certainly seems to be are already enough pretend featured in my previous film The Art of a common mantra among filmmak- Americans in America! Question: Freerunning. It was shot in a some- ers whenever they fear things might who are the risk-takers among what unorthodox fashion, the camera go pear-shaped. British directors? Where are the being attached to the right footplate risks in Britain? Answer: There of my wheelchair using a mono-pod! Davey Jose aren’t any? Bah! If you take the Even though my current film is time to look beneath your feet you not entirely finished, I have started The Art of Freerunning is currently will find that your daily life is a to make notes for my next film proj- showing at The Union, as part of the hopscotch over risks not taken. ects. Right now I’m in the process Cambridge Student Arts Exhibition And if your life doesn’t involve any of producing a light comedy entitled 2004. A First Class Degree Murder risk – hopscotch in front of a car! Finding Girton. will be screened in early December. The Art of Freerunning That should give you a taste! V. We, the signatories to the Fukme Heard of the caped crusader? Simon Evans spreads the rumours 2005 Vow of Bastardy, promise: The concept of the feature length start rumours of this imagined “mys- Never to follow the easiest route Dark Images links in with the current terious figure in black”. fad for comic book adaptations, Readers of the papers and viewers Never to take an old and easy path whilst also reminding us of our self- of the news, believing the stories to as long as there is a new and diffi- professed culture of fear. be true, eventually require photos cult one to be beaten In a city of serious moral and and even live appearances, and so social decline, permeated with a feel- both must be faked. The students To use old ground as we would a ing of fear and paranoia, two comic choreograph a scene in a club where graveyard – not to disinter and obsessed students believe that the this mysterious figure intervenes in bother the corpses of the already power of a vigilante, featured in an attack, wowing the audience buried but to inter the corpses of comic books and movies, is achieved before him. the long-deceased! And to forni- through rumour and reputation; a Many twists and unexpected cate among the gravestones. man contemplating a mugging is betrayals later, this “superhero” seems deterred by the fear of some caped to become increasingly ‘real’. Thereat to engender bastards with crusader hiding down a dark alley, Everything, as one would expect, von Trier, Godard, Herzog, poised to spring upon an unsuspect- become horribly out of hand, and… Shakespeare, Tarkovski! ing suspect. lots of shit hits a lot of people’s fans. So these two students, with the Compiled by the Onan Collective help of a morally lax journalist, use Dark Images is to be shot in the summer Vigilante looks on his newspaper to spread stories and of 2006 26 CLASSICAL November 26, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Modern master goes beyond Sinfonia Nicola Simpson and Richard Wilberforce review Nitin Sawhney’s latest collaboration

On Wednesday night, The Corn Exchange played host to a spectacular A Universal Music multi-media show as Nitin Sawhney joined the Britten Sinfonia for a concert of epic proportions. Monique Cornwell look past that to the simplicity of human Described as ‘one of the world’s most nature. Everyone’s trying to shove poli- innovative musical talents’, Sawhney is a speaks to the multi- tics down your throat – I think it’s politi- multi-instrumentalist, composer, pro- cians who are radical, not musicians. ducer, DJ and song-writer, blending instrumentalist You’ve worked with dancers such as Urban R&B, Indian classical music and the ‘Contemporary Kathak’ dancer jazz. Perhaps one of the most striking Nitin Sawhney’s multi-award winning Akram Khan. Can you tell us about elements of the concert was the diversity work crosses cultural boundaries and the project? of its programme, featuring music by blends Indian classical, jazz, Urban RnB I composed the music for a piece Arvo Pärt, the Indian composer Ar and Drum and bass to create a stagger- called ‘Kaash’ about 3 years ago. We Rahman, Steve Reich and of course, ingly varied and emotive sound. Grown worked together with a sculptor, Anish Sawhney himself. up in Kent, having studied Law at Kapoor, who designed the set. It was Sweeping onto the stage in a some- Liverpool University and co-writing the exploring connections between what epic long coat, he opened the con- comedy show ‘Goodness Gracious Me’, Hinduism, nature and modern ideas in cert with a perormance - together with his music is as eclectic as the experiences theoretical physics. Combining ideas in percussionist Joby Burgess - of Steve he draws upon. Hindu philosophy of Shiva, the destroy- Reich's "Clapping Music". Just that: two What early influences inspired you? er of the Universe, and how different pairs of hands clapping, in what seemed I grew up playing the guitar and piano paths we take lead to different realities. initially a simple rhythm, then making and playing a lot of flamenco, Indian I enjoy collaboration because it’s the transition into wondrous complexi- classical music, jazz, funk, soul, lots of interesting to work with other mediums. ties, and finally closing in perfect sync. things. You have to if you’re to be a good It stops you from stagnating. I love This was immediately followed by musician. I think you have to be able to working with visuals and movement and ‘Conference’, Sawhney’s own explo- experiment with different ways of I’ve written a lot of music for films and ration of spitfire verbal, melodic rapping expression. I think in terms of emotion- documentaries. Also I think it’s a good and drummed rhythms, where he was al pictures and my music is about inte- suspension of your own ego because you joined by Davinder Singh on vocals and gration, celebrating diversity and getting have to really listen to other people and Aref Durvesh on drums. across those ideas in musical emotion. understand where they’re coming from There was a risk that, alongside such a Through your experiences, have you to make it work. huge musical presence, the Britten of the concert, it seemd to drag and by three-movement composition was come across anyone who has had a par- Are the rumours true that you’re Sinfonia might have been sidelined, the closing notes, one felt that the audi- inspired by a childhood memory of ticularly major impact on you? currently working with Will Young? however their passionate and quite beau- ence seemed quite exhausted. being entranced by the sight of falling I really love Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan – I’m writing some stuff for his new tiful rendition of Steve Reich’s ‘Duet’, The performance of ‘Homelands’, one snow, and, indeed, there was a sense of in my opinion the greatest singer who album which will be out next year. their first piece of the night and one only of Sawhney’s best-known and popular wonder and mysticism throughout. The ever lived. He has such an incredibly Apparently he liked my music and asked for the string section, instantly allayed compositions, and one that fuses various melodic motifs were subtly manipulated universal emotion in his voice - a voice if we could meet. We got on well and so any fears that this might happen. The elements of world-music in a particular- and there was a restrained but incredibly of passion and pain. It’s powerful and I agreed to write something for him. players communicated a very real sense ly haunting way, was eagerly anticipated. effective use of percussion in the first comes from the deepest part of his soul. You’ve performed in Cambridge with of unity in this piece, and there was a Unfortunately, it did not achieve the movement. While the second move- With music you can be as literal or as the Britten Sinfonia, what draws you pronounced interplay between them. same balance between the various cul- ment was not as engaging as it might abstract as you like. The thing about the about working with an orchestra? The rhythmic drone, something which tural elements of east and west as in the have been, the third movement, with its human voice is it can express words lit- This performance includes new can so often bring down an otherwise recorded version - the drums were too abundance of explosive rhythmic energy, erally and make your meaning accessible arrangements of pieces from my albums perfect performance, was strong and heavy and ‘western’ for the rest of the more than compensated for it and the for more people to understand. ‘Beyond Skin’, ‘Prophesy’ and constant throughout, and the amplifica- music. However, in ‘Prophesy’, the three the overall effect was one of powerful You say your music isn’t political, what ‘Displacing the Priest’ and also a new tion of the intruments added a strong virtuoso soloists, Davinder Singh on exhilaration. philosophy lies behind your work? piece called ‘The Classroom’ which I acoustic dimension. vocals, Aref Durvesh on tabla and Sawhney’s strength is his unique abil- There’s not a specific meaning to my wrote specifically for the Britten The modal harmonies of ‘Frates’, the Sawhney himself on guitar, produced a ity to combine a diverse wealth of musi- music. I’m about expressing what I’m Sinfonia. I like the idea of 3D repre- Arvo Pärt composition, were harnessed genuine excitement. The initially medi- cal timbres, and he orchestrates them in feeling through looking at humanity. sentation and the human element of completely and there were fluid lines tative feel of the piece culminated with such a way that none of them overpow- We live in a world that’s so polarized musical expression is so exciting when created by the wind section, in particular the vocal and rhythmic complexity of a er each other. politically, it’s all about nationalism, there’s such a large group of people the oboe and flute. The only criticism I fast raga. After the encore, ‘Pieces of Ten’, the divisions and being paranoid about it – working together. I like the idea of col- would make of this is not one concern- ‘The Classroom’, the piece commis- audience were completely won over, and it’s difficult to express something on the laboration and also of integrating har- ing the performance of the piece, but sioned by the Britten Sinfonia, served as the soloists and ensemble left the stage basis of humanity without it being auto- monic Western Classical traditions rather its inclusion in an otherwise exu- confirmation of Sawhney’s enduring in a cloud of whistles and cheers, and matically taken as a political statement. with Indian Classical traditions which berant programme. Within the context genius. The composer tells us that this rightfully so. My recent albums like ‘Beyond Skin’ are more rhythmic. The end of a Miller’s tale Nicola Simpson looks at the life of this Footlights alumnus In wake of the recent announcement by Alan Bennett. While each of these pro- clad Cosi Fan Tutti for the Royal Sir Jonathan Miller, one of the UK's best gressed to much greater things, it is Opera. There was also the medical known opera directors, that his opera arguable Sir Jonathan has eclipsed all of documentary, The Living Body, which career is effectively over, we look at the his former colleagues in the breadth and he did for BBC TV. life of a British legend. depth of his many careers. No stranger to controversy, he once Jonathan Miller has carved out a He has, among other things, present- called Britain “a mean and peevish lit- career as satirist, theatre and opera ed television programmes on science and tle country” with its “acid rain of criti- director, medical consultant, sculptor medicine, directed opera at cism and condescension”. He has spo- and writer. Born Jonathan Wolfe Glyndebourne, the Met and La Scala, ken bitterly about Italian tenor, Miller 1934, he read Natural Sciences produced stage works at the National or Luciano Pavarotti, with whom Miller at St. John’s before preparing for a Old Vic, lectured, written and sculpted. has constantly refused to work, saying career in medicine. He edited BBC Television's arts pro- that “There's no point in trying to As a Cambridge undergraduate he gramme, Monitor, Laurence Olivier build a production around someone was a member of Footlights, and in made him associate director at the who's so massively inert”. He also .uk/comedy 1961, he and three other Cambridge National Theatre and he directed at descibed the Royal Opera as “a kind of graduates brought their review, Kent Opera. Rarely a man to say no, Sir wife kennel” for rich men. .bbc.co ‘Beyond the Fringe’, to the London Jonathan says that his reputation as a As for his retirement from opera, Sir stage and in doing so, sparked off the polymath rests on “being pathetically Jonathan, now 70 years old recently said www so-called “satire boom”, changing the susceptible to someone knocking on my in an interview with The Guardian that Left to right: Miller, Bennett, Moore and Cook in ‘Beyond the Fringe’ nature of comedy forever. door with a frisbee in their hand saying he felt opera houses had turned their to be dead in the end,” he told the on his recent production of Don The three ‘other’ undergraduates with ‘Do you want to come out and play’”. backs on him, blaming an “obsession” newspaper. He added furthermore that Pasquale, which opens on 27 whom he performed in Beyond the His groundbreaking productions with the new and cutting-edge. he had always felt undervalued in the November. however, he added he has Fringe were none other than the leg- include a Mafia-style Rigoletto for “If you are as old as I am, you're UK - he said that he had had to per- now turned his attentions to junk- endary Peter Cook, Dudley Moore and English National Opera and Armani- assumed to be dead - and actually made suade the Royal Opera House to take metal sculpture. www.varsity.co.uk 26th November 2004 LITERATURE 27 ve hi c

Sitting comfortably? y ar arsit V Good.Then Tom Kingsley will begin Church while passionately celebrating the love and the morality tied up in the I have tried to kick the habit of read- This, a children’s book, is the first Christian faith, going on to climax ing children’s literature, especially now novel to have an autistic narrator. with the death of God and a battle I’m actually supposed to be a grown- Brilliantly original, it’s a detective between Heaven and Hell involving up at University. Fortunately for me story which stuns its readers with an flying mountains. And upstaging even though, it seems there’s no need for me entirely alien view of the world. that, he finishes with perhaps the most to be ashamed any more. Everyone’s Literary convention is audaciously powerful moment in children’s litera- reading children’s books, even if subverted with its autistic narrator ture. Will and Lyra, the two young they’re only the versions with the who cannot comprehend the idea of heroes, are about commit Original Sin: dodgy-sounding ‘adult’ cover. The metaphor, who is unable to understand “Like two moths clumsily bumping staunchest grown-up would have to be emotion but still writes about it, who together, with no more weight than intrigued by the narrator’s thoughts can never get a joke but is still funny. that, their lips touched. ‘...I love you, from The Curious Case of the Dog in the You don’t get that complexity in your Will, I love you – “ Night-Time: poncey grown-up books, now do you? In Pullman’s world, the children dis- “I do not like proper novels. In Which is clearly why The Curious Case cover no shame or nakedness or even proper novels people say things like, ‘I of the Dog in the Night-Time won last that there is good or evil in the world. am veined with iron, with silver and year’s Whitbread Prize for Fiction. They just discover love. It holds up with streaks of common mud. I can- Not children’s fiction – Fiction. well against Milton’s version of the not contract into the firm fist which Fall – compare page 465 of The Amber those clench who do not depend on ‘Adult literature Spyglass to the end of Book IX in stimulus’. What does this mean? I Paradise Lost. It’s all good stuff. do not know. Nor does Father. Nor can be overly self- After all that heavy children’s liter- do Siobhan or Mr Jeavons. I have ature, you might want a bit of light asked them.” indulgent’ adult reading. Well don’t. Read Good point. Adult literature can be Lemony Snicket’s hilarious Series of overly self-indulgent – even for a Philip Pullman’s The Amber Spyglass Unfortunate Events instead. Thirteen clever English student like me. The also won the Whitbread Prize, but, gloriously gothic books about several Read-iscover your inner child strength of children’s literature is that more impressively, it won the orphans who remain unfailingly polite its audience is more demanding. Children’s Whitbread Prize as well. throughout their terrifying experi- silent German horror films, a cross- blurred between it and adult fiction Children’s literature competes with It’s hard to underestimate the genius ences, they are made unusually surreal dressing optician named Dr Georgina mean it is scaling new heights. It is computer games, while adult fiction of Pullman’s parallel worlds filled with by their fictional author, a note on the Orwell, and even the Virginian developing with the times and just has to compete with the canon of animals that represent the human soul outside warning readers not to bother Wolfsnake – who the heroes are becoming increasingly intelligent and world literature. This is why you won’t and an invisible ‘Dust’ that guides reading the inside, and the fact that warned "never to let near a type- original in a way that its adult coun- find anything less than dazzlingly human actions. the fifth in the series is the first novel writer". The film’s out at Christmas, terpart arguably is not. Children’s lit- fresh prose in the Kiddies’ Section. This, a children’s book, is the first to to have the word ‘Ersatz’ in the title. but don’t call it the new Harry Potter – erature has started claiming its elder And in the aforementioned Curious describe the story of Mankind’s Fall And for the keen reader, there are it’s actually good. sibling’s awards - perhaps soon it will Case, Mark Haddon’s prose is certain- since Milton had a bash. Pullman numerous literary allusions to The future looks bright for chil- also take up some room on the ly nothing less than dazzlingly fresh. attacks the oppressive structure of the Dickens, Dante, Plato, Shakespeare, dren’s literature. The lines being Cambridge tripos. Writers anonymous: from private to public Amol Rajan profiles the Cambridge Writer’s Guild

“Fool”, said Sir Philip Sidney’s muse, “look in encourages all forms of creative writing, there thy heart and write”. He wasn’t the only one to seems to be an inherent bias toward poetry. offer such advice; creative writing has been “Poetry helps us to empathise with those seen for centuries as an intensely private expe- around us; to recognise the commonality rience. This is largely because, at base, it is. So between The Other and ourselves”, he says, to try to overcome this perception, and give to almost instinctively rehearsing the obvious creative writing a public persona capable of answer. “It doesn’t need to be coherent or con- substituting this reputation for reclusivity, is a sistent in the way that other forms of literature daunting challenge. may need to be, and it provides an excellent It is one that has been effectively taken up in way of exercising our imaginative powers”. Cambridge. Niccolo Milanese, now a finalist Milanese is also the Poetry Editor of The in Philosophy at St. John’s, set up the Liberal, a new and highly acclaimed national Cambridge Writer’s Guild (CWG) over two publication launched by Cambridge graduate years ago. His task was simple: to give to Ben Ramm. Ramm completed his degree in Cambridge’s disparate and disconnected writ- English at St. Catharine’s only last year; ing societies a centralised umbrella, under amongst other things, his new magazine seeks which students interested in creative writing to reassert the value of poetry in political and could come together and share their (otherwise cultural discourse. There is, in both The private) experiences. Public readings, public Liberal and the CWG, something of an ethical publications; such was the idea. Milanese crusade, and one can’t help but be impressed by recognised a lack of exchange amongst writing this commitment to the creative cause. “There societies in Cambridge – one he still thinks is something morally wrong about a kind of prevalent today – and decided to address the solipsism”, Milanese says, “and the CWG is issue by setting up the CWG. one way of addressing that”. It was in his first term here that he set it up. Milanese admits that it is difficult to meas- The CWG is an entirely independent organi- ure the impact of his project, which will con- sation that receives no direct funding. With tinue when he graduates next year. There are support from Corpus Christi, it produces 600 people on the CWG’s email list, though Filament, a fortnightly poetry journal edited by that could mean very little. Inprint, which student affiliates of the CWG (and distributed Milanese shall be editing this year, is now free to the pigeon holes of interested students), accepting submissions of poetry, prose, and and is also heavily involved in the production experimental works in any language, to be sent of Inprint, an annual magazine produced by to the address below by 5th January 2005. students at St. John’s that encompasses writing from across Cambridge. Milanese’s motivation stems from a belief Contacts: that fewer people are reading poetry nowadays [email protected] than ought to be. And though the CWG [email protected] It's back: The graduate programme that sets you free

Mars Incorporated invites Cambridge students to attend the relaunch of our unique Management Development Programme. Venue: St. Catherine's College, Ramsden Room The European Management Development Programme gives you the chance to: * Live and work abroad early in your career Time: 18:30- 20:00 * Move between different areas of our business to broaden your perspective * Develop your leadership and people management skills Date: Tuesday 30th November * Get a 5 year fast track to managment that will leave you within touching distance of a senior role

Join us for a short presentation followed by a chat over drinks and nibbles. All degree disciplines welcome! Why not check out our website in the meantime www.euromdp.com www.varsity.co.uk November 26, 2004 FASHION 29 STOCKING FILLERS

Emma wears: Cotton tree t-shirt £24 Catfish, necklaces £3.99 each Topshop, skirt, belt and boots, model’s own. Sam wears: Yellow Dick Tracy t-shirt £20 t-shirt grill.com, jeans model’s own, red Converse trainers £34.99 Office. Charlie wears: Calvin and Hobbes T-Shirt £20 t-shirt grill.com. James wears: White jumper with bat detail £125 Dogfish, jeans and t-shirt model’s own. Katie wears: Black Diesel owl vest £29 Catfish, belt and jeans stylist’s own. Jay wears: brown Nike jacket £62 Dogfish, trousers model’s own. Harry wears: Black and white polka dot dress £14.99 H&M, Green satin bolero jacket models own.. Claire wears: Karl Lagerfield dress £19.99 and pearls £3.99 H&M, belt stylist’s own.

Models: Harry Walker, Emma Burnett-Rae, James Kelly, Claire McLaughin-Symon, Sam Bostock, Jay Miller, Katie Tween, Charlie Bradley and Ros Gater. Styled by: Johanna Zettertsrom-Sharp and Sally Rachel Jennings. With a super special merry jerry thanks to all of the above, Ross Masoud, Simon Collins, Tim Perrera, A. C. Berwick, Flora Joll, Oliver Tillio, Adam Fudakowski, Ally Lulu, Dogfish, Catfish, Dix, Lucy Gilbert, James and Joe and especially Johanna’s mum Tyra and Mr Jennings. 30 SPORT November 26, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Judgement day as Varsity match looms Mike Henson Africa into the depths of English win- and a chance to indulge in a bit of gen- when it matters, will be crucial. ability a little too readily. You’d be both ter occur in full public view. tle baiting of ‘the other place’ before In fact much of the back line have brave and wrong to point this out to the Whatever the ups and downs of retiring to the pub for the main activi- appeared before in the big game, imposing South African however. Two OF ALL of the University sports these various games however, the only ty of the day. For those on the field hopefully easing any nerves that could tries of awesome power and pace teams, none has such a public prepara- criteria by which the season will be however the match is of almost paralyse their play. The possibility that against the Spanish last week proved tion for their Varsity game as the rugby judged is what happens at unbearable importance. The dooms- the two undergraduate flyers who lit that he would be a welcome addition union Blues. Big name teams and small Twickenham on December 7th. In the day clock that ticks down the seconds up the games in 2002 and 2003 could anywhere on the pitch. With only a few student prices at Grange Road mean stands the whole occasion has the to kick-off all year on the CURUFC be united in the Varsity starting line- appearances to his name this season, if that the inevitable slips and trips of a atmosphere of a school outing: lurid website is entirely appropriate. up for the first time is an enticing one. he makes the team he could prove an long journey from pre-season South college scarves and shirts to the fore Despite the comprehensive form Aki Abiola’s lightning breaks and dev- unwelcome surprise for Oxford. It is an guides that both sides produce, this astating side-step have secured his sta- ‘if ’ however. The back-row will provide overwhelming importance makes the tus as a cult figure amongst the a selection dilemma for the coaches c.com game a difficult one to predict. Over Grange Road faithful. He played a with former captain and twice-Blue uf the last six matches, not more than four crucial part in that 2002 win and Duncan Blaikie and Ben Wheeler .cur points have separated the two teams climbed off the bench last year to set amongst those also vying for places. Martin Gladstone Cure and it will be as keenly contested as ever up Girton fresher, Charlie Desmond A key area for the front five to con- www this year. When faced with a combina- for the equalising score. The sight of cern themselves with is the line-out. tion of suffocating pressure and Desmond, dwarfed by his captain Various unlikely candidates have found inevitably ferocious defence, it is often Stuart Eru, hoisting aloft the MMC themselves with the ball in hand at the Alberts Robinson Harfoot McGarry the team that dares to chance their arm trophy was the climax to the story of front and have coped with varying and ignite a spark of invention that last year. Within eight weeks of arriv- degrees of success. Responsibility seems wins through. Which side, or more ing at university, having just turned 20, to have finally been granted to special- likely individual, that might be isn’t he quietly went and stole the show. If ist hooker Gladstone. He and his Wheeler something that comparing results gives Roy of the Rovers had picked up the jumpers will be hoping that many hours away easily. But a search for potential oval ball instead it probably wouldn’t of drill come to fruition to provide game-breaking players amongst the have turned out much better. Strangely clean first phase ball to that dangerous Cambridge ranks yields a few candi- in a game where the average age is set of backs. Dormer dates and, with them, some hope. greater than that of most students Twickenham is a strange place on any For when fly-half Dafydd Lewis these two relative youngsters will be matchday; waxed jackets, Range Rovers looks outside him on match-day, he can old hands. and plastic pints of Tetleys abound. only draw confidence in moving the The forwards have their share of With the game loaded with archaic tra- ball through the hands. The southern young stars as well in Nathan McGarry dition the effect is only magnified. Until hemisphere alliance of Simon Frost and and Tom Martin. Both have risen more recently the previous year’s captains Lewis Ed Carter are a powerful partnership steadily through the ranks of the club could be seen charging up and down that will pose problems for whoever than their wing counterparts. McGarry running the touch-line in full blazer and Carter they come up against. Carter, the was an unused sub last year at tasselled cap regalia. Even now a Australian half of the duo, has thrown Twickenham, while prop Martin cap- strange, but charming, mix of the mod- Frost (c) opposition defences into disarray all tained the U21s. They have been virtu- ern professional and the nostalgic ama- Abiola Desmond season with punchy surges through al ever-presents for the Blues this sea- teur persists. A ‘Port and Nuts’ reception midfield. Captain Frost, having missed son and have shown plenty of the a couple of days before the game proba- last year’s game through injury, will be tenacity and determination that will be bly isn’t sanctioned by many sports keen to continue where he left off in in demand. nutritionists. But look beyond the whole Ufton 2002 against the dark blues. That day Also looking to make his Varsity sideshow spectacle and you will see an the South African ran in both tries in a debut is Nic Alberts. Putting yourself intensely competitive game that is the 15-13 victory. His experience and lead- down as being able to play across the product of committed hard work all year ership in such an intense atmosphere, as back-row, in the centre or on either by both sides and a grand climax to The probable line, injuries permitting, who faced Steele Bodger on Wednesday well as this happy knack for performing wing could be seen as backing one’s some players’ rugby careers. Enjoy. Not exactly leading the cheers this week cheerleading in Britain being allowed to “Bring it on”. Its success was partly root- about the referee. I want to live, eat and develop unchallenged as a “sport”? This ed in the well-worked routines and the breathe football. Cheerleading is an Adam seems a little preposterous given that soundtrack. However, despite my sister’s unwelcome distraction. caught some people are questioning whether it insistence that the film touches impor- If I wanted to watch girls flaunt my eye Edelshain is offensive to teach children to sing tant and relevant issues, it wasn’t a box themselves to a crowd, wearing very few and I “ring a ring o’ roses”, because it refers to office hit as a result of an incredible sto- clothes and dancing provocatively, I’d go missed it. the black death. ryline. The majority of men who to a strip club. At least there, the girls Don’t tell Perhaps the lack of opposition to watched the film did so for the sexy aren’t pretending not to sell sex. your mother.” In the last few years, it has been remark- cheerleading is rooted in the fact that cheerleaders and perhaps specifically Using cheer- able to note just how far Britain has there are many others like myself that are Eliza Dushku. This isn’t exactly a great “that young girl on leaders is another taken political correctness. Recently so fed up with political correctness that example of clean family fan. way of saying that Santa was banned from a shopping cen- they don’t care enough anymore to argue Is it even a sport? In America, it seems the touchline caught the sport itself is no tre in case he offended non-Christians. when there is something that is genuine- that the cheer squads are principally longer enough to It bothers me enormously that some ly offensive. made up of those girls who aren’t quite my eye... don’t tell pull in the crowds. age-old traditions and even our language good enough at gymnastics and are keen your mother” They have to resort are under threat for the pettiest reasons. Postperson Pat on impressing the boys at school. to half time entertain- I don’t want to start calling the post- If they simply want to cheer on the ment to boost atten- man a “postperson”. Postperson Pat doesn’t have quite team, why wear the undersized outfits The popular expression goes that dances. It’s doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. and dance increasingly sexy routines? I men think about sex every four seconds. like buying The person who delivers my post can be the same ring to it expect that most cheerleaders couldn’t Whether or not this is true is debatable a Ferrari to whatever sex they wish, but it doesn’t tell you the rules of the sport that their but what is undeniable is that these hide poor change the fact that he/she/it is still a It could also simply be that the team is competing in. thoughts as frustrating as they are satis- performance postman. It certainly isn’t offensive. Americanisation of Britain has gone All of this bothers me tremendous- fying. Not every man can think about in the bedroom, However, my frustration with this beyond the physical presence of ly. Cheerleading was a sexist idea to sex and then peruse, “oh well, I’ll have only reversed here as obsessive desire to be as politically cor- Mcdonalds and Starbucks on every begin with and the girls aren’t even some tonight then”. Sport is a form of clubs use sex to cover rect as possible has been enhanced by the street corner. Baseball is becoming more cheering for their team anymore. They escapism from daily sexual frustration up for poor perform- growth of one “sport” that has seeming- popular here, our children are almost as don’t care about the sport that they’re among other things. Introducing cheer- ances on the field. ly slipped through the net. Watching obese so why not take an interest in supposed to be so excited and thrilled leaders into football games would shat- It has been clear for a several top sporting events, I was cheerleading? Perhaps the conservative about. They may seem pumped up but ter this entirely. while that in every facet amazed to see an increase in the popu- and traditional British mentality is start- it isn’t because of the team that they’re It’s also distracting from the sport of society, competition is larity of cheerleading. ing to crack under pressure from its old supposed to be supporting. itself. Imagine watching a short dance driving people to go to Cheerleading essentially involves American cousin. A cousin that has Cheerleading is effectively a mixture routine on the sidelines with a particu- every extreme possible to young girls in skimpy clothing, running become even more like that mean, older of gymnastics and dance sport, whoring larly eye catching brunette, only to miss get the viewing figures and around, attempting to entertain a pre- brother, nannying Britain and always itself for the sake of entertainment. a crucial moment in a game; a bone money that they so deeply dominantly male crowd. Is this not a getting his way. Yet my objections to cheerleading run crunching tackle, a bit of magic or even desire. But let’s not go so far throwback to the days when women I refuse to believe that people gen- a little deeper. At a football game, I want a goal. “Wow”, my son will say. “Dad, as to let cheerleaders were objectified? Are the guys watching uinely see it as totally normal and to totally immerse myself in sport. I did you see that thunderous strike from invade our arenas and sta- them really thinking, “that pyramid was respectable. Is it honestly quality, family want to be able to discuss the match 30 yards? I think it’s broken the net!” I diums. Or let them beautiful and so artistic”? entertainment and clean fun? with the other supporters at halftime, don’t want to have to tell him, “Sorry pretend it’s a sport. This then begs the question, why is Take a look at the cheerleading film, talk tactics, have a few drinks and moan son, that young girl on the touchline www.varsity.co.uk November 26, 2004 SPORT 31

Showjumping student off to Tokyo Sport In Brief

Olivia Day but she is also team captain of the es that we have never ridden before, in the first round of dressage, and fall off University Riding team again, and is there is only so much practicing that we in the showjumping!” RUGBY - Cambridge defeated “attempting to get a degree!” In her can do.” The competition is run as a The teams will be well looked after in Steele Bodger XV in one of their FOR THIRD-YEAR Churchillian third year of the six-year Vet course, knockout, consisting of both dressage Tokyo, where they will be riding and liv- final warm up games for this year’s Natalie McGoldrick’s, preparations are she has chosen to study Zoology, and showjumping on unknown horses, ing on the grounds used for the Tokyo varsity match. In a very attacking well underway for her forthcoming trip which gives her “a bit more time for and the riders are only judged against Olympics. The arranged schedule game of Rugby, Cambridge to Tokyo, where she will be representing riding and socialising!” competitors that have ridden the same includes cultural tours and Gala dinners, breached the 50 point barrier to Great Britain at the forthcoming World Although all three of the British team horse as them. Natalie’s first student as well as the infamous ‘welcome party’. secure a 51 - 29 victory. University Equestrian Championships. have been to internationals before, this international was in Germany a few “We spent our time in Germany either On Sunday November 28, the British will be the first time that they have rid- weeks ago, where she pulled off a con- inebriated or with hangovers, but we VOLLEYBALL - The quarter team of three will be heading off to their den together. “The first round of dres- vincing individual win. “Germany was have been told that Japan will be a bit final places for Volleyball cuppers most important international competi- sage is ridden as a team, so we all enter amazing! I was thrilled to win, but it more serious,” Natalie said, “Though I were decided this week as holders tion to date. Twenty-five countries will the arena together,” informs has put a lot of pressure on me now for am sure that with the Irish there, we will Jesus were dumped out by John’s and be represented at the four day long McGoldrick, “ As we will all be on hors- Japan – I will probably be knocked out manage to have a few extra parties!” Trinity Hall. Darwin and Churchill’s World Championships, but the British first team qualified from their group, team have managed to extend their trip while a combined team from Trinity to ten days. “Apparently the jet lag is ter- ick and Churchill 2 finished top of pool rible for Japan, so I think we will need a B, to qualify with Robinson. In the few days to recover,” says Natalie, “And final Pool, St. Catharine’s and Caius then we are staying on to party with the were the top two finishers, beating

Irish and American teams for a bit after alie McGoldr Girton and Magdalene. the riding is over!” at N The team were selected back in CROSS COUNTRY - Pembroke September before a panel of four selec- y of won the men’s cross country cuppers, es tors, including previous Olympians. t with Richard Ward and Ed Brady Nine riders were asked to trial, based on leading the way. Support from Dan Cour performances at the BUSA Nationals, as Chambers and James Traer who well as previous results on their own both finished inside the top thirty as horses. Natalie impressed at the well, gave the team an unassailable Nationals, where she captained lead. They were followed by Jesus as Cambridge’s team to win, as well as Queen’s were beaten into third place. securing individual 3rd, for which she was awarded a Full Blue last year. AND FINALLY.... Outside of university competitions, she HOCKEY - The Men’s Blues lost has represented the South East in event- 5-2 to India Gymkhana in a one ing, England in an International Pony sided affair that saw the Blues three teams competition, ridden at the Horse goals behind at half time. Goals of the Year Show, and started point to from Adrian Harbour and Steve pointing last year. Morley proved to be scant consola- This term has been hectic for tion after a leaky defence conceded a McGoldrick, for not only has she had further two soft goals. team training in Cirencester to attend, Natalie McGoldrick cometing for her place on the Great British University Equestrian team Men’s College Rugby League Division 1 Seven hours in the cold Place Team Pl W D L F A PD Pts John Snowdon and the team members themselves both through the rugby and a raffle 1 St. John’s 6 6 0 0 263 17 246 24 were forced to play for much of the which had lots of rugby balls to give ON A freezing Saturday morning, morning to keep the rugby going. away. A raffle was also held at the 2 Downing 7 5 0 2 142 77 65 22 Cambridge’s hardest young men and However, after midday, things Men’s rugby union game against women took to the Jesus pitches to really began to pick up as students Steele Bodger which saw Cambridge 3 Jesus 7 5 0 2 112 81 31 22 brave the icy conditions and play started to wake up from their week- run out comfortable victors. seven hours of rugby. end lie-ins. The men’s team popped The Cambridge women’s rugby 4 Girton 6 3 0 3 58 49 9 14 Seven aside rugby for seven hours down in the afternoon and despite team ran both the event and raffles with lots of people constantly rotat- the wintry conditions, the CUWR- to raise money for charity as half of 5 St. Catharine’s 6 0 0 6 33 178 -145 6 ing may have seemed like fun in the FC were pleasantly surprised by the the money raised was donated to organising stages, but with the cold popularity of the event. SPIRE, which stands for Supporting 6 Trinity Hall 6 0 0 6 24 223 -199 6 weather and lack of people in the There was the small matter of an Paraplegics In Rugby Enterprise. www.crazyaboutsport.com early stages, several of the girls may England rugby game at 2pm which CUWRFC are hoping to run a have had to convince themselves that rather put a dampener on things, but similar event in the summer but Last weeks’ results: Downing 37 - 7 Trinity Hall; Jesus 15 - 3 St. Catharine’s; it was still a good idea. with an England victory, the event added that they are hoping for better St. John’s P - P Girton; Numbers were more than a little wrapped up successfully. weather conditions. short at the ungodly hour of 9am The event raised £321.21 pounds, Men’s College Football League lshain Division 1 lshain Place Team Pl W D L F A GD Pts Adam Ede 1 Fitzwilliam 5 5 0 0 23 5 18 15 Adam Ede

2 Trinity 5 4 0 1 11 7 4 12

3 Jesus 5 3 1 1 13 6 7 10

4 St. John’s 5 3 1 1 11 5 6 10

5 Churchill 4 2 0 2 5 5 0 6

6 Darwin 4 1 1 2 9 7 2 4

7 Caius 5 1 1 3 6 15 -9 4

8 Downing 5 1 0 4 8 13 -5 3

9 St. Catharine’s 5 1 0 4 4 11 -7 3

10 Girton 5 1 0 4 6 16 -10 3

Last weeks’ results: Caius 2 - 3 Girton; Churchill 0 - 7 Fitzwilliam; Darwin 6 The Women’s Rugby Football Club helped raise money for Supporting Paraplegics In Rugby Enterprise - 2 Downing; St. John’s 1 - 1 Jesus; Trinity 2 - 0 St. Catharine’s; SPORT November 26, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

Trinity lead lshain the fight Adam Ede back at top Fitz lead Division 1 but Trinity are closing as other divisions take shape

Ben Myers Watch out for Selwyn too, sitting pretty with games in hand, though their less than impressive, negative goal difference FITZ ARE this year’s team to beat in could cost them come the final shake- Division 1, winning all of their opening up. At the other end Long Road, John’s matches and scoring a prolific 23 goals. II, Robinson and Fitz II also need wins Trinity, Jesus and John’s make up the to avoid the drop. College football, even in the lower leagues, has become even more competitive - but not everyone has enough shirts chasing pack, but judging on perform- Netting 13 times already this season ances so far this term, knocking Fitz off and only conceding twice, Tit Hall look having conceded a ludicrous 19 goals in attempts; Johns III and Queens II also records, whilst Emmanuel Wanderer’s the summit will be a very difficult task dead certs for promotion from Division just 5 matches, Caius II have still man- have no points. 10-2 thrashing of the Christ’s All-stars indeed. In what is a very tight league – 3, with APU seemingly the most likely aged an impressive couple of wins, but Churchill III have stormed to the top last weekend has them in contention in each team having won at least one game to join them. With a Blackburnesque their goal difference takes them out of of Division 6, winning 5 out of 5 and third, leaving their struggling neigh- – the relegation dogfight has engulfed goal difference of minus 11 and with contention. Emma II’s weekend victory scoring a phenomenal 25 goals along bours rock bottom of the entire league. Girton, Catz and Downing. Newly just 3 fixtures left, Girton II will be wav- against CCSS takes them above the way. Miserly Corpus II and APU III Finally, Division 7 South, where promoted Churchill can feel pleased ing goodbye to this level of football for Peterhouse and out of the bottom two along with free-scoring Tit Hall II and Peterhouse II’s policy of “if they score, with their start, consolidating in mid- next season, while Queens and Clare for the first time this season. Christ’s II will all compete for that elu- we’ll get one more” is working well. table on 6 points. will battle it out to avoid the other rele- In division 5, any of the top 4 could sive, second promotion spot. At the foot Darwin II and Homerton III also look The race for promotion to the zenith gation spot (assuming Long Road play go up whilst any of the bottom 6 could of the table Robinson II look dead and strong contenders for promotion, and of Cambridge football couldn’t be some games). go down. Fitz III and Downing II lead buried. Kings II cannot be ruled out yet. Tit tighter, with Homerton, Christ’s and Both with 100% records thus far, the way on 9 points, though Pembroke In the lesser known Division 7 Hall III prop up the table, their goal dif- Sidney leading the way on 12 points APU II and Catz II are leading the way II and Catz III also look strong on 6. North, Magdalene II look good for pro- ference only slightly inferior to Queens apiece. Homerton are surely the in Division 4, though any of the top five Churchill and Selwyn’s second strings motion after their unbeaten start. Jesus III’s. Meanwhile Clare and Downing’s favourites after their unbeaten starts. could still be in with a shout. Despite have both failed to notch up wins in 3 II and Girton III also have a 100% third teams both need to do some work