“...the perfect example of free speech on campus.” - The Ram the paper Fordham University’s journal of news, analysis, comment, and review Volume XXXVIII Issue X December 9, 2009

GREEN page 2 the paper december 9, 2009

To our beloved Editor-in-Chief, Kate Murphy, You had a good run—but it’s time for your tyrannical dictatorship to come down. Love, the staff of volume XXXVIII

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Fan mail? Hate mail? “What We Want For Christmas” Write to us! Editor-in-Chief Kate “Kitten Mittons” Murphy the paper c/o Of ce of Student Leadership Executive Editor and Community Development Bobby “Plaid Corduroy Onesie” Cardos Fordham University Bronx, NY 10458 Assistant Executive Editor [email protected] Chris “A Day Without a Hangover” Sprindis News Editors the paper, Fordham University’s student journal of news, analysis, com- Alex “SlapChop” Orf ment, and review, is a product solely of the students. No part of the publication may be reproduced without written consent of the editors. the paper is produced Max “First Coming of a Messiah” Siegal using Adobe InDesign, Adobe Photoshop, Microsoft Word, and the incredibly hard work of the people to the right. Photos are “borrowed” from Internet sites Arts Editor like: www.google.com, www.imdb.com, www.nambla.org, www.rollingstone. Joe “Red Scare 2.0” McCarthy com, www.cnn.com. Sorry mom, subscriptions are not available. Ad rates are unreasonable – don’t ask. Open staff meetings are held Tuesdays at 8PM near our Features & List Editor of ce, McGinley B-57, in The Ramskellar, located in the basement of McGinley. Alex “Dicktowel” Gibbons Articles and letters to the editor may be submitted via e-mail to paper.fordham@ gmail.com, or scrawled incoherently in White-Out on back issues of Penthouse Earwax Editor magazine. Submissions are always considered, usually printed, and occasionally Lenny “40 Acres and a Mule” Raney used to make origami rhinoceroses. If you do not wish your letter to the editor to be published, just say so. We do not advocate wussitude; all letters must be Sports Editor signed. We reserve the right to edit any material submitted for publication. We Sam “Porn Site Passwords” Wadhams will, however, work with the writer and see that content is as true to the writer’s original as possible. We publish this rag ten times a year ( ver per semester). So why not come down and write for us? We are a constantly evolving pub- Chief Copy Editor lication, and have been since 1972. And we try our best to second guess main- Rosalind “Bumpit” Foltz stream opinion and buck the system, even if there is no call to do so. But hey, writing isn’t for everyone. Try reading a good book like Full Frontal Feminism, Copy Staff by Jessica Valenti. You might just learn something. Sean “Monocle Lewinsky” Band eld our aim Alex “I Just Want the Screaming to Stop” Blalock the paper is Fordham University’s student journal of news, analysis, comment, Kaitlin “To Be Born Again” Campbell and review. Our aim is to give the Fordham community fresh insights on old is- Marisa “Bulls Jersey” Carroll sues, new thoughts on new issues, and information that other campus publications Sean “Bottomless Nuggets at a Topless Bar” Kelly may not be able to report. We do not claim to be a newspaper of record – facts, Elena “Bob Dylan’s Christmas Album” Lightbourn  gures, and dates. Instead, we focus on the Fordham student perspective, on Sarah “Escalation in Afghanistan... Oh wait” Madges thoughtful analysis, and on the comprehension of the full scope of events, rather Mickie “Skin Pigmentation” Meinhardt than staggered and straight news coverage. In short, our emphasis is on the obvi- Will “I Just Want the Screaming to Stop” Yates ous and active role of the student writer in his or her work. We also aim to provide Fordham students a less fettered venue for expression, something they may not be Contributors able to  nd at other student publications. Basically, if we make you laugh, piss you off, or move you in some way, then Eamon Stewart, Charles Hailer, Danny Miami, Nancy from the caf, we’re doing our job. Chris Gramuglia, Lauren Duca, otters holding hands, Dan Yacovino, If you don’t like it, shut your pie hole (or come write for us)! Rita Lynne, Fiery Furnaces, Nick Murray, Brigh Gibbons december 9, 2009 the paper page 3 news Ralph Nader Is Better (and Taller) Than You Remember Political Activist, Septuagenarian Speaks at Fordham by Max Siegal er pointed out that we give more commercialized society. He a room of twenty-somethings of which were his own work. He NEWS CO-EDITOR power to consumer corporations explained his thoughts on how or under. “Freedom is a slogan did, however, stay to sign copies without expecting much back individuality and imagination empty of signi cance,” he ex- of his new book, a work of  c- It’s been two years and three in the same way we anticipate are at the very least becom- plained, “without the people’s tion (yes,  ction) entitled Only post-dated political  gures since little from our government and, ing stulti ed, if not completely participation.” the Super-Rich Can Save Us!, in I  rst started this whole editor in both cases, receive an unjust compromised. Impressing the Audio glitches aside (those which billionaires like Warren thing here at the paper. This share in return. “Didn’t we win example on the crowd, Nader who attended did suffer a brief Buffet, Ted Turner, and George time around, though, the weath- World War II?” Nader quipped noted that companies want stu- interlude when Mr. Nader took Soros save America. It’s not to- er obliged the visit of Ralph before expounding on the great dents who are “trained but not the stage due to some resonance tal bullshit, and I’m sure it reads Nader, four-time candidate for many governmental programs educated,” essentially morally feedback and the swapping of better than a step-by-step Nader president and activist since the microphones), kudos where manual on how to  x the nation. 1960s, to Fordham University. they are due – a big thumbs up I was also lucky enough to The last two past-tense politi- to the students of the Campus sneak along during the post- cos, Mr. Gingrich and Dr. Dean, Activities Board who threw this talk reception, a quiet and in- both arrived under the forebod- whole thing together in essen- timate session in one of the ing auspices of rain and thunder. tially nine days. Nader was not nearby Dean’s of ces. Nader’s The weather last Thursday on signed until last Tuesday, which demeanor didn’t change, save my way to the Keating 1st audi- gave CAB just over a week to perhaps for his hovering around torium was not just pleasant, but plan, schedule, advertise, and the food, but a man’s got to unseasonably warm for Decem- execute the event, and for a cost eat, especially after that long in ber. Mother Nature smiles upon around a quarter of what the front of a crowd. He’s also quite the Green Party, then. Or global Newt cost. In my humble opin- tall, something I was not re- warming is ruining the planet. ion, any other club on campus ally expecting for some reason. Either way, Nader himself took planning a large event could The last time I remember hav- the liberty of mentioning the learn a thing or two from their ing an opinion on the man was two men during his introduc- example. the 2004 presidential election, tion, commenting that they were What took me by surprise and I’m pretty sure I thought he “not very dif cult to follow,” the most, aside from Mr. Nad- was a douche. Being a petulant eliciting laughter and applause er’s intelligent insight into and completely uninformed six- from the audience. That, per- American culture and politics, teen-year-old, I was angry that haps, is part of Nader’s appeal; was his humanity. This was the Bush did-some-things and said- though his ideology is certainly  rst time I got the distinct im- some-stuff and saw Captain progressive, he’s not a part of pression from any speaker that Cardboard Kerry as a solution either major political party. A he cared about the questions solely because he was a Demo- maverick, one could say. that were asked by the audience crat. Nader came in, though, Not unlike Dr. Dean who and wanted to make a real con- and through the opinions of came to speak before him, how- nection. The feeling was warm others, I absorbed the ideas ever, Nader delivered a message News Co-Editor Max Siegal posing and fuzzy, and I liked it. Nader that he fucked up the election that was heavy with the stuff of with Mr. Nader. Despite what facial answered questions from lis- for progressives everywhere. active participation. One of his expressions might portray, neither teners for as long as he spoke, However, this time around, I main rhetorical tools was the were drunk at the time. almost two and a half hours in was fortunate enough to have phrase “growing up corporate,” and privileges that Europe en-  exible bad-decision robots. total. That’s getting to the dura- a second chance to fall in love which he used repeatedly to de- joys over the United States, Another one of Nader’s re- tion of a Springsteen live set, with Ralph. Mr. Nader didn’t scribe the world in which our including universal healthcare, peated phrases was the very but he kept at it. Some answers really present anything new, but generation, and the latter parts more vacation time for work- Ignatian notion of a person hav- did tend to draw on, but in a I don’t think that he would say of his generation as well, were ers, better public transportation, ing a “ re in their belly,” or a grandfatherly way. I mean, the that he came to present anything raised in, a world in which ev- and cheaper education. “It’s all call to action. He later furthered man is seventy- ve. But he was new. Instead, he came to say erything is predigested for us about controlling expectations,” this idea by noting the differ- genuine and a refreshing change things that needed to be said and through advertisements and oth- he repeated. ence between knowledge and of pace. Indeed, he continued that, in my opinion, I and my er media. He intoned the need Along the same lines of action, explaining that without to surprise by donating a stack fellow students needed to hear. for expectations and demands “growing up corporate,” Nader a sense of injustice and a call of books to the Walsh library, If you happen to share his politi- from the government and big presented the interesting con- to action, no justice can be at- a sort of Ralph Nader civic life cal leanings, everything that he businesses, services for tax dol- sideration of the imagination tained. Heady stuff, to be sure, primer, with topics ranging from had to say almost seemed like lars, active roles as citizens in or, more speci cally, the de- especially when coming from citizen responsibility to how the common sense. a democracy, and quality prod- struction of imagination in a a 75-year-old man speaking to U.S. government works, none ucts to consume. Astutely, Nad- editorials arts features sports

“Roughing the holy ball. 15 yards.” Fuck your shit: Wayfarers. Williamsburg Interview with a THE PAPIES Year Under Street Brawl, p.9 Lioness, p. 13 AWARDS, p.19 Review, p. 24 page 4 the paper december 9, 2009 Coffee With a Clergyman An Interview with a Former Fordham Administrator, Civil Rights Activist by Marisa Carroll Affairs at the Liberal Arts Col- one of the key guys at Fordham man from the New York State program. There were even boy- STAFF PRIESTERVIEWER lege at Lincoln Center. who knew Andy Greeley was Department of Education. Other friends and girlfriends of differ- [then University President] Fa- guys would go to his of ce car- ent races. Father Daniel Mallette has What responsibilities came ther Leo McLaughlin, a won- rying all these kinds of charts If things were going so well been a crusader for civil rights with that title? derful guy with all these avant- arguing for funding, but I just at Fordham, why did you re- since he was ordained in 1957. At the time, they were just garde ideas. There was so much presented to Don the way I run turn to Chicago? He has facilitated countless about to open Lincoln Center; turmoil between the conserva- my life: chaotically. I just told All of the sudden I was ris- programs for urban youth, al- the building was still under con- tive Jesuits and Leo, but he and him that we had a bunch of kids ing in that they made me Dean located hundreds of thousands struction. It was the  rst fresh- I shared similar visions for bet- and a bunch of them were doing of Minority Student Affairs of dollars in scholarship money man class coming in, and there tering the student body. real well, and we made friends, for the Liberal Arts College at for minority students, and even were about 8 or 10 black kids; and he agreed to look into our Lincoln Center, but I suppose organized marches with Martin there wasn’t many, out of a class Having just moved to New program. He just thought ours I always wanted to be a parish Luther King, Jr. (pictures of the of a couple hundred kids. So York and started working for was great. He loved the way our priest. Moreover, I was a Chica- two are proudly plastered across my job was to recruit black and a university for the  rst time, kids were thriving, and he de- goan, and I was kind of sick of Mallette’s of ce walls). On a Puerto Rican and poor white how did you secure the funds cided to help us out. the bullshit of New York. personal level, he’s a twenty- kids to the Liberal Arts College to pay for these scholarships? One of the craziest episodes year friend of my old man and at Lincoln Center, to get Were you able to that led to my leaving was that I the pastor of his church, St. scholarship money for gauge the response of went to Ike’s Long Island City Margaret of Scotland on the them. other Fordham stu- Cab Company and got a job as South Side of Chicago. He and I I was going from high dents to the students a taxi driver. I used to always discussed his four years as Lin- school to high school in you recruited? be interested in priest workers coln Center’s Dean of Minority the toughest neighbor- Well, I think I have and I said New York is so inter- Student Affairs between pews hoods in New York, and a talent—scratch that, I esting, so I took a job as a cab over the Thanksgiving holiday I’d get the SAT scores, don’t think I have a talent driver. I would work on Friday and black McDonald’s coffee / and any kid that looked for anything—but I think nights, Saturday nights, and tape recorder in hand, respec- like he had some  re in I can spot one person that Sunday afternoons tively. him—even if he had sub- I really like. So Maroon At that time, every week marine test scores—is a Fr. Mallette with Tuffy [the fraternity] was hav- a cab driver in New York was You started working at kid I’d argue for on the No. 5, his dog. Actual ing a skiing weekend and getting shot to death. Cardi- Fordham in 1967. How did admissions committee. I quote: “I got Tuffy I took ten kids from the nal Cody gets me on the phone you get from Chicago to New remember some English No. 1 when FDR was poorest, toughest part of and says, “Are you out of your York City? professor asked me, “Will in of ce.” Brownsville [Brooklyn]. mind, driving a cab!? Can you I was working at St. Agatha’s you vote for my daugh- They had never seen a imagine the embarrassment this on the West Side of Chicago. It ter?” I said, “Well, if you pair of skis in their life. would bring if you were shot?” was the mid-1960s, and I was vote for Manny Cuevas, So we get there, and it So he offered me a job as pastor in constant battles with the new sure I’ll vote for your was all these white guys at St. Norbert’s in Chicago, and Cardinal, Cardinal [John] Cody. daughter!” who had been coming I came home. In the meantime, [priest and there for years on the author Father Andrew] Greeley How long did it take senior slopes or what- After you left, where did had just written another book, you to get settled in New ever. But my two guys you expect the Fordham com- A Pro le of Catholic Higher York? Were any individuals When the Jesuits hired me, get up there and come down munity to be with regards to Education. He came to me and particularly helpful in realiz- there was talk of these millions like Olympic skiers! Everyone race by 2009? said that he’d been talking to ing your goals? of dollars of funding, but then it loved them for it. I hate the word diversity; I the guys at Fordham, and they God was so good. I hit New just all disappeared. So there I I actually found more  ght- hate the word minority. We’re were about to open Fordham York on a Friday, moved into was and all the money that was ing within the administration such an unusual country, you University at Lincoln Center. I St. Thomas the Apostle Church, going to help me bring in hun- than between students them- know? In 1954, when the Su- had written a couple articles for and at the very  rst mass I at- dreds of students was suddenly selves. Certainly not everyone preme Court said separate but a black-nationalist magazine tended the local police chief gone. was welcoming, but that was a equal was unconstitutional I about desegregating education, Artie [Arthur] Hill spoke. Now By the grace of God, I met time that it looked like the world said, “Wow, here we go. It’s and Greeley suggested I try to it was a whole new kind of thing a Mr. Walter Hooke from the was ending. The Vietnam War gonna be a different world.” But get involved at Lincoln Center. with Artie Hill, there weren’t United Parcel Service. He and was going on, Martin Luther I don’t know. There’s so much I went and interviewed with that many black cops with au- Father McLaughlin had been King had just been assassinated, hatred still. But who knows? I’m the Jesuits, and they offered me thority. He was a cop wearing classmates in high school, and people were blowing up every- headed down in a few weeks to the job. With Cardinal Cody, I a dashiki running the crime- in the sixties he was hired by thing. It seemed like things were see two kids I worked with in thought I would have dif culty ridden 28th precinct, a real inter- UPS to plunge the company into so crazy there and that craziness Chicago  nish up basic train- getting permission, but it took esting brave guy. He heard me the new world, like it is now. He united the students. Every race ing, and when I talked to one about 90 seconds for him to ap- curse, say “bullshit” or some- liked me, and I liked him, so he was represented in students’ An- the other day he said, “There’s prove. thing like that, and we became took me to meet with the CFO, ti-Vietnam protests, and some no black and white army, there’s So all of a sudden I had per- friends from that moment. That and we got $80,000 from UPS white students became particu- a green army.” I guess that’s mission, and I was appointed was on a Sunday. that  rst year. larly involved in the civil rights what we have to keep working Assistant to the Dean of Student Then, by the grace of God, We also had Donald Winkel- movement through kids in my towards. DO YOU DO YOU LOVE TO content about everything and nothing LOVE TO BLOG? http://fupaper. BLOG? BLOG wordpress.com/ BLOG

TO LOVE nothing and everything about content TO LOVE YOU DO! YOU DO! december 9, 2009 the paper page 5 British Scientists Screw the Pooch With Emails About False Global Warming Hype That Warm and Fuzzy Feeling? It’s the Ice Caps Melting by Lenny Raney of the eyes) estimate that gazil- to petty name-calling, labeling search through www.science- tions. EARWAX EDITOR lions (read: trillions, at least) of skeptics as “idiots.” daily.com), the skeptics are lin- So, what do we take out of dollars are at stake. Great job, dudes. Just what ing up to take pot shots at the all of this? Is this the end of A wise man once said, However, up until recently, the world needs: more ammuni- movement, particularly at such the global warming movement “exact science is not always... we thought that it was just the tion for the vitriolic conservative a critical time leading up to the as we know it? Have all of us exact science.” That wise man, dirty politicians who were mud- degeneragencia to load into their Copenhagen summit. “This isn’t whiny liberals, now outed as of course, was David Bowie dying the waters with their jar- liars and schemers, been found as Nicola Tesla (as Ziggy Star- gonistic doublespeak, crappy If yoyou listene closelyy, you out, giving the megacorpora- dust?) in 2006’s The Prestige. science, and misrepresentative can heaar the polal r bears tions free reign to drill the un- This adage becomes particular- claims. “Underneath all of this saya inng “SHEEEEEIT.” holy hell out of every corner ly applicable when attempting there is sound science some- of this planet and the biochem to parse through the veritable where,” we thought. “If only conglomerates free reign to mountains of data on climate the scientists could just report churn out in nite amounts of change. The skeptics will point their  ndings and leave it up black smoke into the air and to some colorful chart highlight- to us to decide without having glowing sludge into our rivers? ing the cyclical nature of some- to deal with all of the political Hardly, no matter how much thing or other and use cryptic bullshit,” we lamented. Well, as some would like you to believe. terms like “captain trade” and it turns out, the scientists are ly- On the other hand, is this some “gay liberals,” and the alarmists ing, scheming, douche-canals as vast conspiracy from far-right will point to the fact that Ant- well. Two weeks ago, an anony- Limboners and Beckites to un- arctica is shrinking and that The mous internet superhero hacked dermine progress? Even less Day After Tomorrow/WALL-E the e-mail system of the Univer- likely. Some scientists, just like COULD ACTUALLY HAP- sity in East Anglia in the United every other segment of the pop- PEN (sans the Jake Gyllenhaal- Kingdom, exposing hundreds ulation, are dishonest assholes, Emmy Rossum make out sesh of correspondences between and if this brings anything to the and space waltzing... There’s no prominent climate scientists. NRA-certi ed assault weapons a smoking gun, it’s a mushroom fore, it’s that vested interest and love if we’re all dead). All of us Among other things, it revealed and  re indiscriminately across cloud,” notes climatologist and lobbying is in serious danger of laypeople are stuck in the mid- statistical tricks that could (and medium-wave radio. Despite global warming skeptic Patrick ruining science as we know it, dle, unsure of who or what to according to some scientists, the fact that there are still liter- J. Michaels (probably another and as one of the last refuges of believe, as is the case with most should) be done to exaggerate ally thousands of peer-reviewed “expert”), whose classy refer- the purity of knowledge, that is political issues. The vested in- effects as well as the particu- scienti c journals on everything ence of Red Scare imagery is as worrying as any tidal wave terest in proving (or disproving) larly damning statement that from the shrinking ice shelves duly noted and deeply appreci- dragging the head of lady lib- human contribution to climate “...the fact is that we can’t ac- to the migratory patterns of ated. Congressional Republi- erty down Broadway or putting change is palpable; some “ex- count for the lack of warming at birds demonstrating a concerted cans have also recently sent a my life in the hands of a star- perts” (henceforth in this article, the moment and it is a travesty shift in climate that is correlated letter to the EPA requesting a ship manufacturing corporation the term “expert” should be tak- that we can’t,” made by a cli- with global industrialization (as halt to all climate-change ini- fronted by Fred Willard. en with a grain of salt and a roll mate “expert.” They also revert can be easily viewed on a quick tiatives in light of these revela- NYC Homeless “Charity” Investigated as Fraud by Sean Kelly abuse of their 501 not-for-pro t Walker, who use the money for tax-exempt status, misleading policies, UHO president Ste- STAFF WATCHDOG tax exempts status, among other their own personal expenses the public, and pro ting off of phen Riley stated in a hearing things. The 27-page complaint and bene t). The  fteen dollars people’s charity, the UHO has that he had little to no knowl- If you have ever found your- outlines the case against Riley per shift are essentially rental also been accused of running edge of where this money went self walking in the vicinity of and Walker in great detail and fees for table space and “of - their organization poorly, ille- or how it was spent, since it was midtown Manhattan, you have alleges a veritable cornucopia cial” UHO-branded apparel and gally, and with little to no  nan- pocketed by table workers who undoubtedly seen the nearly of unethical practices against merchandise, which provide the cial oversight or responsibility. are not required to record how ubiquitous blue-clothed tables the two directors. illusion of legitimacy and al- Riley and Walker, who act as much they collect in donations. featuring a large plastic water Since 1993, the the entirety of the The organization also errati- jug for donations and staffed by UHO has operated A local man board of directors, cally and arbitrarily distributes individuals bearing the name throughout mid-town shares his views violated numerous personal bonuses to workers “UHO” (standing for United Manhattan, setting on UHO’s busi- not-for-pro t op- who collect the  fteen-dollar Homeless Organization) on up roughly 50 tables ness practices. eration laws, had shift fees from the table work- nearly all of their clothing. If from Monday to Sat- no system for over- ers, disguising these payments you’ve ever been solicited by urday, and approxi- seeing the equitable as “stipends.” These “stipends” the workers or even donated mately 30 on Sun- distribution of funds are not used for any sort of or- money to the organization, days. These tables collected by table ganization related expenses (i.e. then you may have noticed that feature a large plastic workers, no means transportation, etc.), but rather the workers’ disposition is of- jug in which pass- of keeping track of are for the personal usage of ten brusque, sometimes rude, ersby can deposit out- their internal rev- those receiving them. and usually not be tting of a of-pocket donations enues, and regularly The conduct of the UHO is charity worker. In fact, this and are the core of the underreported their not only unethical and mislead- behavioral discrepancy is actu- UHO’s operations. revenues to the Of- ing but also exploitative and ally completely understandable, The organization  ce of the Attorney wholly irresponsible. Though since these individuals are not claims unequivocally General. In the the homeless individuals work- charity workers at all, but un- that peoples’ dona- years between 2003 ing for the organization receive trained homeless citizens liter- tions are used to fund and 2007, according money, it is collected under ally plucked off of the street to public services for the the Attorney Gen- false pretense, namely that do- work for and be exploited by the homeless, including eral Cuomo’s report, nations are going to legitimate, UHO, an organization that was soup kitchens, cloth- the UHO reported organized social programs for recently revealed to be fraudu- ing distribution, and drug and low the individuals working the annual earnings ranging from the homeless. Hiding behind a lent, unethical, and downright alcohol rehabilitation programs. table to line their own pockets about $60,000 to $100,000 in philanthropic and charitable fa- corrupt. However, UHO neither funds with charitable donations. With its  ling with the Of ce of the çade, Stephen Riley and Myra On the 23rd of November, nor provides any of these ser- this  fteen-dollar fee being col- Attorney General. However, Walker created an organiza- attorney general Andrew Cuo- vices. In reality, the donations lected from 50 tables six days an investigation conducted by tion that deceived the public, mo  led a formal complaint collected from the public are a week and 30 tables one day a Cuomo’s of ce revealed that exploited both the need of the against the organization and pocketed by the untrained, un- week, Riley and Walker brought even a conservative estimate of homeless and the charity of its directors Stephen Riley and licensed workers, with a  fteen in approximately $5,000 per their actual revenues would be citizens, and provided nothing Myra Walker, accusing them of dollar “shift fee” set aside to be week in tax-exempt illegitimate nearly three times the reported more to the homeless than an misleading business practices, given to the board of directors income. amounts. In keeping with their organized way in which to pan- solicitation without a license, (consisting solely of Riley and In addition to abusing their “don’t ask, don’t tell”  nancial handle. shady  nancial practices, and page 6 the paper december 9, 2009 Dubai World FAKER Not a Middle Eastern Disney Franchise, a Nation- THAN Crippling Investment Group! by Eamon Stewart ity and cohesion, announcing a es. Dubai World built up most STAFF EMIR-HATE new $38 billion development of their recent revenue through I have a vivid memory of a program in October of last year. the sale of government bonds, television program I watched Speaking at a press conference based upon the promise that about two years ago. Unable for the program, Dubai World Dubai would become unargu- TRUTH Executive Chris O’Donnell (no ably the economic vantage point to sleep, I had risen early on a Sunday morning to make some not the one from Batman Forev- between the East and the West by Max Siegal, Sean Kelly, and Alex Orf breakfast and watch cartoons. er, although that would be kind and that you better get a fucking STAFF LIARS Finding nothing worth watch- of cool) uttered a statement that piece of the pie while you can. ing in the way of cartoons, I I’ll assume he probably wishes This was done under the im- BRONX, NY ~ Reports are circulating that Academy Award/ began aimlessly channel-surf- he hadn’t: “I’m sure most of you pression that Dubai would  rst Golden Globe/People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive award-win- ing. After a while I stopped on are asking why we’re launching reach this position of economic ning actor Matt Damon, who is coming to campus to  lm scenes a channel I had never watched this, and you’d be mad not to importance, and then paying for his upcoming movie The Adjustment Bureau, will be taking before. I could not believe what question it. [But] the fundamen- back those bonds would be ex- over the Fordham Men’s Basketball program as head coach. I was watching: the channel was tals in the market are too strong. ceedingly easy. Another oops. When asked about this completely unforeseen decision, Damon playing an infomercial for the There won’t be a crash.” The economy was sapped up so pointed to the character he plays in the movie, a  ctional con- United Arab Emirates – not a Oops. In the year since that badly and at such a rapid rate gressman named David Norris who played basketball during his speci c company, not a product, ill-advised proclamation, resi- that repaying the bonds is, as fake undergraduate time at (deep breath!) Fordham Univeristy. “I but an entire fucking country. dential real-estate prices have mentioned before, presently im- was moved in a very deep way as soon as I saw the great stone And it was not just the fact that I been cut in half, and many of possible. phallus that is the Keating bell tower,” Damon said. “Plus, have was watching an advertisement the big-ticket development The ties between Dubai and you heard Daddy Mac’s new album? A plan to make Fordham the for a whole nation, but it was plans have been put on hold. Dubai World are further com- top Jesuit university by 2016 AND a Grammy-winning rap artist? what was on the adver- Dubai’s yearlong economic plicated because the economic I’d rather snuggle up to him than that loser Af eck any day.” The tisement that was insane. fallout challenges the actor/coach did not discuss any concrete plans for turning around There were plans that in- legitimacy of their the Man-Rams’ less-than-stellar record. cluded a skyscraper two government. It was - M.S. thirds of a mile tall (that never a secret that would have tennis courts Dubai World was on top, for some reason), the de facto  nancial NEW YORK, NY ~ Last Sunday, on a visit to New York City the famed “The World” wing of the state, but to continue his crusade against evolutionary theory, Growing man-made island archi- the fact that a single Pains actor and “noted evolutionary biologist” Kirk Cameron pelago, and a slew of (and allegedly pri- was violently assaulted by the American Museum of Natural His- other real estate ven- vate) company can tory’s Board of Trustees while walking to the D train station at tures that even in pre- basically bankrupt a 81st street. According to eyewitness accounts, Chairman of the recession times seemed sovereign state’s en- tire  nancial system Board Lewis W. Bernard was standing outside the station clad in excessive and ultimately This is the Palm Jumeriah, a system of raises certain ques- a leather jacket, hair slicked back, with a cigarette dangling from repulsive. Although the man-made islands made just like The tions about the ap- his lips as Cameron approached. Bernard reportedly accosted infomercial featured a World. It’s about 640 square acres, has propriate relationship the actor and activist followed by several other board members, smorgasbord of inter- over a dozen luxury hotels / residences, between business and whom Bernard referred to as “the Upper-West Side boys.” The views with Middle East- and a monorail, costing $12.3 billion in state. Throughout ruf ans then encircled Cameron, hurling insults and shoving him ern men extolling the vir- development alone. Holy fucking shit. around the circle before beating him unconscious with baseball tues of the future of their their expansionary bats and chains. Witnesses reported that the gang then rapidly country, the infomercial phase, the royal fam- disbanded when police sirens became audible, yelling, “Boys, the didn’t indicate its sponsors or slide seemed to culminate with ily of Dubai served as cheer- cherry-tops are on us! Let’s make like trees and scram!” As of who exactly was  nancing and the announcement just before leaders for Dubai World, prais- press time, Cameron was still unconscious at Columbia Presby- building all of this shit. Curious, Thanksgiving that Dubai World ing their economic practices terian Hospital. I watched until the end to see was looking to reschedule its and their push-to-shove of the - S.P.K. what entity apparently had tons debt payments to its creditors country head rst into the 21st of money to burn was behind all and that presently they would century. of this. I was given my answer; not be able to pay any of its debt Frankly, you can’t blame KABUL, AFGHANISTAN ~ Following reports last week that at the very end of the program, for at least six months. them for doing this. The govern- a Taliban detainee in Pakistan claims to have seen Osama Bin I was thanked by Dubai World, Dubai World had the repu- ment leadership, noting the con- Laden in early 2009, a new string of alleged sightings have sur- the investment company that tation as being an omnipotent servative bent of most of their faced. Multiple witnesses from the Afghan province of Ghazni, manages pretty much of all of business entity, simply too big neighbors, saw the potential to where Bin Laden is reported to have been hiding out, claim to the  nancial activity and expan- and powerful to fail. Its reliance bring their nation to the fore- have seen the a man matching the Taliban leader’s description sionary programs for the Dubai on oil (like pretty much every- front of an increasingly impor- stumbling around the outskirts of their small village in the early government, not only for do- one else in the Middle East) was tant economy and make a shit- hours of the morning of December 3rd. One local resident came nating my time and interest to considered a blue-chip com- ton of money along the way. But in close proximity to the man. He told military of cials that the the program but also because I modity, a solid defense of their in their drive to become an eco- resemblance was uncanny and that the alleged Bin Laden, reek- would now  nd the prospect of business ventures that would nomic competitor with the West ing of alcohol, asked the man if he knew where to procure any investing in the UAE to be com- not falter like the magical deriv- they allowed themselves to fall “old-fashioned Kentucky moonshine.” Other witnesses saw the pletely irresistible. I had dif- atives and subprime mortgages into most of the same traps and man  re ri e rounds into the air amidst slurred screams about  culty really fathoming what I favored by the undisciplined moronic practices that have “in del troop surges,”  nishing with a hearty, “Nobel Peace had just watched, primarily be- buffoons of the Western World. plagued Western civilization for Laureate! And they call me an asshole!” before collapsing in a cause of the sheer absurdity of Although this was the reputa- centuries. Presently, it appears drunken heap. By sunrise, the only traces of the man were spent it but also because I had found tion that the company garnered, that Dubai World’s creditors ri e shells and a broken bottle of Russian knock-off Jack Daniels. a network that was playing The it turned out not, in fact, to be will reject the plan to restruc- U.S. military forensic labs are testing the bottle for DNA samples Justice League, diverting a large what was driving their ever- ture $26 billion of the $60 bil- and  ngerprints, but results are inconclusive. portion of my attention. increasing expansion. In truth, lion it’s estimated to owe. If that -A.O. The memory of that pro- Dubai World was falling victim does happen, it will be back to gram was reawakened when to the problems that pretty much the drawing board and Dubai the economic shit began to everyone else was: easy credit, World will be forced to try and hit the fan about a year and a speculation running rampant in  nd a way to eliminate some of half ago. Despite the troubles a wildly unregulated market, their present expenditures. If that were rocking most of the and a government that showed that is the case, they might want world’s economy, Dubai World far more enthusiasm than con- to start with getting rid of those seemed to be a model of stabil- cern for their economic practic- stupid infomercials. december 9, 2009 the paper page 7 Fordham is Rolling REALER in Cash? A Former paper Editor Questions THAN The Ram’s Muckraking Skills by Charles Hailer paragraphs to what most likely things that don’t make no sense, STAFF I STILL READ THE amounts to an honest mistake, what the hell is this: “[Whit- FACT RAM? let me get to the meat of my is- tenberg received] more than Fordham’s budget has al- sue with the article: Burkart as- 50 percent more than the other by Max Siegal ways been shrouded in mystery, serts repeatedly (employing the two employees’ expenses com- STAFF SOOTH SAYER and despite numerous requests “Royal We”) that The Ram is bined.” For a school with a tril- from The Ram and the paper, con dent in our school’s money lion dollars in net assets, you’d BRONX, NY ~ On Thursday, December 3rd, Fordham Adminis- Father McShane and his viscous management despite the com- think we had more than three tration sent out a press release explaining that Men’s Basketball pack of pencil-pushers have kept plete and utter lack of transpar- employees, Mr. Ram.) Coach Dereck Whittenburg was to be “released from his contract decidedly mum on the issue. At ency and the obvious snares in Beyond that new info, effective immediately.” In other words, Coach Whittenburg was the paper, we’ve made use of its ability to spend money on there’s the fact that Burkart straight-up  red. This comes as a bit of a surprise, given that the that still air to gleefully and ma- things that make sense, both looked to a CBA student to Man Rams are currently  ve games into the season (with a record liciously suggest that Fordham morally and otherwise. comment on Fordham’s siz- of 1-4, unfortunately) with their next game on Saturday, Decem- is sitting on a massive Scrooge Burkart justi es this Ram able “operating surplus.” While ber 5th. Executive Director of Athletics Frank McLaughlin noted McDuck-like chamber of gold optimism by citing Fordham’s the kid offers up some relevant that “it’s a priority of the University to have a successful program coins where Fr. McShane and “improved operating metrics information on the matter, he in the competitive Atlantic 10 Conference,” thereby saying indi- Vice President Jeffery Gray oc- since 2000.” Is there a busi- concludes is moment in the rectly that Whittenburg totally sucks. I’m not exactly sure what casionally go for physically il- ness major in the house? What spotlight with this: “I have no it is going to take for Fordham to have a competitive Men’s Bas- logical dips. The Ram, on the the hell does that even mean?! idea what the $55 million aux- ketball program (better recruiting? more funding? updated facili- other hand, dug through iliary revenue means.” ties? more funding? ) but I’m pretty sure that throwing a wrench Fordham’s cyber garbage Now, I’m not a journal- made of shit into the fan isn’t the right plan to make Fordham a and uncovered some An artist’s rendition of ist by any stretch, but winning Division 1 team. Then again, Whittenburg was the high- journalistic nuggets for Fr. McShane’s day off. when your expert source est paid man here on campus at many of hundreds of thousands the ages, smelted into tells you he doesn’t un- annually. Maybe they’ll take some of that cheese and melt it over one two-thousand-plus derstand what something the lukewarm Men’s program. Mmmmm, cheesy. word piece of “bud- is, you should probably getary analysis” called ask someone else, like, I CHICAGO, IL ~ What happened to the good ol’ days of “Bump “University Tax Returns don’t know… an expert? and Grind” and “Ignition Remix?” Grammy-winning R&B artist Demysti ed” by Mike The  nal insult comes R. Kelly has just really lost his shit. We could have forgiven him Burkart. Well, not only at the end when Mr. Bur- for Trapped in the Closet (I mean, not really, but just go with it) did I not know that our kart brings up Fordham’s but his new album, Untitled, which was released on December fair school’s tax returns “af nity cards,” which is 1st, has two singles on it that really cross the line. “Religious” were myst-ed enough to apparently where banks has him singing to a woman (of course), proclaiming that “there’s be demysti ed, but I had a few Seriously, I’ve Googled it – issue cards with a school’s logo something church about you” even though “all those times I lied issues with the article itself. nothing in non-Gordon Gekko- on it, and then “these banks / all those times you forgave me / I broke your heart and made First off, according to our speak comes up. I’m assuming visit campuses, offering free- you cry / cheated on you and you took me back.” In short, the school’s esteemed journal of it means that, in totally not-for- bees to students who sign up for woman is a Jesus analog and he wants to fuck the Lord. Then record, Fordham University is pro t kind of way, Fordham is the cards.” Meanwhile, greedy again, I’m not exactly sure there is enough substance to dig that sitting on one trillion dollars as raking it in. That said, this pious Fordham would get a small por- deep. During the second track, “Pregnant,” (yes, that’s right), R. we speak. That’s right kids, one Catholic institution managed to tion of the fees on the cards ev- Kelly croons that he “never felt nothing like this / she’s more than trillion dollars, or one thousand grumble quite a bit before serv- ery time they’re swiped. Who a mistress / enough to handle my business / now put that girl in billion dollars, or one million ing up a living wage to our se- knew? Regardless, The Ram of- my kitchen […] girl you make me wanna get you pregnant / lay million dollars, or the number curity guards (paging social jus- fers up a strong warning against your body down and get you pregnant / knock you up, pregnant, one followed by twelve zeros, tice), and to this day pukes up Fordham from engaging in knock you up.” Jesus-tap-dancing-Christ. I’m not exactly sure etc. In other words, The Ram very expensive looking plasma “usurious” practices, an argu- what kind of woman wants to hear that kind of proclamation from has reported that they estimate screen TVs everywhere with no ment that I’ll give  ve points a man, nor have I really met a man who would feel the impulse to Fordham’s net assets to take up explanation and zero reason- for diction, and minus a hun- say that to a woman. But, more power for family values, I guess? roughly 1/14th of the United ing. Speaking of plasma screen dred for substance. In the previ- He can apparently get away with anything and still sell thousands States Gross Domestic Prod- TVs and a giving workers a liv- ous section of the article, “Bud- of records. uct (GDP). Maybe that’s why ing wage, do you think that The get Highlights,” Mr. Burkart they decided to let the security Ram has noticed the fact that li- brought up Fordham’s $76 mil- WEST POINT, NY ~ On December 3rd, Nobel Laureate for guards join a real union and brary is closed after 2 AM and lion surplus, and then warned Peace and Leader of the Free World Barack Obama announced earn a living wage? Maybe our that McGinley is now shiny and against the school engaging in a surge of 30,000 U.S. troops for the War in Afghanistan. Just to new silver, space age McGin- silver, but still not functional in usurious practices without re- repeat, the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize is sending roughly ley Center is actually planning the slightest? ally suggesting that universities the population of Juneau, Alaska to war. We really can’t make on taking off and exploring the Also, Burkart reveals that are institutions that put thou- this shit up, people. Obama also noted July of 2011 with respect farthest reaches of the cosmos? Coach Whittenberg was Ford- sands of kids into massive debt to a troop withdrawal. This is not a  rm deadline for pulling U.S. Who knows? I don’t; I don’t ham’s highest paid employee every year. It might be a bit of a troops out of Afghanistan, but the start of a process in which se- even go to Fordham anymore. (not to mention the recipient of stretch of the de nition of usury, curity is turned over to the Afghanistan government. It’s like we That being said, much like the largest expense account). For but come on folks, let’s not lie can’t get out before we go in harder? I’ll just stop potential for The Ram, I, too, can make those of you who read the pa- to ourselves here. boner jokes here. guesstimations based on lim- per, Coach Dereck Whittenberg In the end, you’ve got to sa- ited information, and I’m will- was the man who led Fordham’s lute The Ram’s shorts for actu- LA CROSSE, WI ~ University of Wisconsin, La Crosse sopho- ing to bet that Fordham isn’t already sub-par basketball pro- ally digging around to come up more Adam Bauer was recently ticketed for underage drinking the single largest private eco- gram to a healthy 69-112 record with this thing, but it’s horribly and  ned $227. Not a big deal, you say? WI police caught Bauer nomic entity in America, and over six seasons (woof). This indicative of greater problems by creating a falsi ed Facebook account, posing as an attrac- that whatever poor sap on The means that Fordham’s biggest over at that rag. The willingness tive 19-year-old girl and friending students at local colleges who Ram’s copy staff was unlucky personnel expenditure was also to rake the muck without actu- were under 21. Yeah, that’s pretty much the same technique that enough to be assigned this bud- one of her biggest failures; I ally  inging some dirt around authorities use nationwide to catch Internet pervs. At least three getary behemoth had long given wonder if that doozy dented the is disheartening, because even other students were  ned as well. Another UW-L sophomore and up on reading the damn thing “metric.” Also, I don’t know if it with the millions of grammati- friend of Bauer, a Mr. Tyrell Luebker, was quoted as saying, “I 1,300 words in. I’m guessing  gures into “metrics” at all, but cal blunders and tragic seman- feel like it is shady police work and a waste of taxpayer money to that our school’s total net assets Fordham couldn’t pay me to sit tics choices, this would be a have him [an of cer] sit on the computer on Facebook when he are probably something around through its version of the Wash- better story if it didn’t buffer could actually be doing police work,” a work of circular reason- $1.077 billion. As they say in ington Generals get clowned on its critiques in innocuous nut- ing that reminds us all of the merits of thinking before you speak. Africa, wrong lion, Ram. by mediocre teams from around washings of the administration. Having just dedicated two the country. (And speaking of page 8 the paper december 9, 2009 editorials

the paper’s view The Feeling of Truth december 9, 2009 by Bobby Cardos completes the picture, and how you to be aware of this feeling EXECUTIVE EDITOR the subject views the picture it as well as the components of Hey Mr. Ram, has helped complete. To raise that feeling which caused it to Lay Off My Free Speech have this notion that literature the levels of pretension, David be towards that truth instead of ach week, we at the paper per, understand that our stu- has a lot to do with what it is Foster Wallace talks about this your own. Otherwise, dialogues I look forward to settling dent body has its fair share of like to feel something is true. in a graduation speech titled lack integrity, because they are E down for a chuckle- lled pe- apathetic students who would It tries to transport you, to take This is Water, explaining that not dialogues at all, but rather rusal of The Ram. While Vol- rather sing “Don’t Stop Be- you from saying, “When I die, most people view their picture hidden monologues, resulting in ume 91 of The Ram didn’t have lievin’” in Howl every Tues- I’ll go to hell,” to actually ex- as a fairly obvious one—maybe a communicative impasse. as many laughs as last year’s day night than ever raise their periencing the terror that, say, the best or even the only one. I This critical awareness is volume (compliment alert!), voice for something they ac- Stephen Dedalus feels when certainly am guilty of this. This not only to the bene t of com- we choked on our proverbial tually believe in. But we also Father Arnall explicates his own is problematic for a few reasons passion but also forces us to King Cobra mixed with Red have our fair share of students gruesome notion of the place that most of us can readily see, consider the “webs of signi - Bull and Pez (tastes just like who seem to really value their in chapter III of Portrait of the but maybe should be restated. cation” that we ourselves are Sparks) when we saw the sub- ability to speak their minds: Artist as a Young Man. Since I, Something obvious to us tend to enmeshed in, and the fact that ject matter recently debated in from Progressive Students for like Richard Rodriguez, tend to be the most dif cult and frustrat- how we come to our beliefs The Ram’s reccurring feature Justice to Respect for Life, think that literature’s primary ing to explain to others to whom and perspectives is largely on “Point-Counterpoint.” from the paper to the Liberty subject is “what it feels like to it isn’t obvious. We get annoyed account of things of which we For those of you unfamiliar Forum, we think that there are be alive,” I think that these feel- without thinking that the rea- are unaware or simply cannot with Fordham’s journal of re- a whole hell of a lot of people ings of truth predicate some of son they don’t “get it” is pre- control. Thus, the only way to cord, The Ram runs a feature on this campus that would use the more important moments of cisely because they have their communicate with integrity is to in their Opinions section each a free speech space to passion- our lives—or at least those mo- own “obvious” interpretation, try and be aware of just to what issue called “Point-Counter- ately and respectfully cham- ments of hyperawareness that informed by their own myriad extent we are “free agents,” and point.” The name is pretty self- pion their causes. We don’t we may or may not remember of things that comprises their to what degree that idea lacks explanatory: each week two pour countless hours into our fondly later but will remember existences. Most arguments integrity, more precisely the Ram contributors face off on a respective clubs and publica- nonetheless. about politics and social issues constructions, both internal and timely issue. One contributor tions because we want to prove These feelings are, of are fruitless precisely because external, under which we are argues for one side of the issue; we deserve such venues for course, also extremely prob- they are rooted in the “obvious” able to choose, for we are nev- the other contributor argues for expression, we do it because lematic. I don’t mean this in the perspectives of two people, and er tabula rasa long enough to the other side. Sounds awe- these clubs and causes de ne sense of the objective truth that evidence or not, these perspec- make wholly free decisions. By some, right? Well… not really. our college experiences. In the contrasts one’s own feelings of tives are diametrically opposed. the time we get the chance, our First, there was a “Point- end, however, those students truth. Though that issue certain- My Close Reading and Crit- hardwired selves are already at Counterpoint” dedicated to who don’t participate in clubs, ly exists, I can abide it, because ical Writing professor freshman work, if not driving then at least United Student Government’s don’t champion causes, and Objective Truth is Maroon Square proposal have never heard of a little left- more something (11/18/09). The proposal looks ist rag called the paper deserve we conceptualize to establish a space on cam- the right to free speech as much than something we pus that will be set aside for as any us. experience. To ex- free speech, including but not Beyond not deserving free emplify by way of limited to student protest and speech, Turek argues, “Stu- literature: take a dissent. Essentially, USG is dents should not expect to have novel—say, Absa- asking for a free speech space unregulated free speech at all… lom, Absalom!, be- on campus. Maybe it’s just be- We choose to attend a con- cause I happen to cause we’re the “perfect exam- servative, private university, like it. Now, there ple of free speech on campus,” knowing that it is not obliged is, objectively, a Fact Machine (according to The Ram!), but to provide us any forums for text titled Absalom, this proposal really has us ex- free speech.” This is a line of Absalom!, a distinct cited. Finally, we have a USG reasoning that is all-too-fa- and immutable set promoting progress on our miliar to student activists who of words written by campus and using reasonable have fought for free speech on William Faulkner: means to reach an end we all our campus in the past. This is that remains the deserve: free speech. But wait. like saying, “Sweatshop labor same. However, This is “Point-Counterpoint.” is practiced by private compa- what I would posit A counterpoint to having a free nies, therefore we have no right is that when I read speech space on campus? In a to demand employees be paid the novel, and my college newspaper? Really? a living wage.” Fuck, some of roommate or my Really. The mind, it boggles. you people arguing against free professor or Wil- In her “Counterpoint” piece speech on campus might actu- liam Faulkner’s editor reads year told our class before our leaning us in certain directions. titled “Present Options for Free ally think that! Just because we the book, we read a different  rst essay: “There are no right It’s not that people can’t change, Speech Remain Underutilized pay to go to a private school book—which is a clever (or not) answers—but there are wrong or that someone who thinks we and Unappreciated,” Ram doesn’t mean we have to sit way of saying that a work is like answers.” This of course had to should bomb the shit out of X- Copy Editor Emily Turek la- and watch as our rights are one part of a two piece puzzle, do with proffering textual evi- nation is justi ed because he or mented that the vessels for free violated. They’re called rights and while it is a signi cantly dence etc., but I think this idea she was socially constructed to- speech that we currently have for a reason, and they’re ours larger piece than the reader, how can be easily adapted here. Wal- wards that “truth.” It’s just that on campus (she listed The Ram, regardless of how we choose to one reader completes the puzzle lace gives the admission that “a you have to know these things the paper, and the community spend our money. This should versus another has an important huge percentage of the stuff I exist if you’re going even going posting board as examples) are not be up for debate, and the impact. Put another way, what tend to be automatically certain to pretend to engage in honest underappreciated, and there- fact that it’s being argued Absalom, Absalom! causes me of is, as it turns out, totally wrong discourse, or be able to under- fore we do not deserve a free against in a college newspaper to feel as true will in many in- and deluded.” Again, facts and stand and justify your own feel- speech space. Her cynical and makes us feel almost as de at- stances be wholly different from objective truth aren’t really the ings of truth. Oftentimes the defeatist piece focused on the ed as the tone in her article. what another person feels as true issue here. Rather, we commu- truths we are talking about are apathetic tendencies of some A week after this piece in reading the book. Even more nicate with “wrong answers” or not, in fact, what we are talking members of our campus rather was published, The Ram pub- banally: we’re all different. truths when we fail to realize about at all. Better put, “I have than acknowledging what re- lished their  nal issue of the This is interesting—at least that people share our feelings told you the truth as I know it. ally matters: free speech as an semester (12/2/09), featuring to me—but it’s not entirely the of rightness towards myriad dif- However, the truth as I know it essential part of the college ex- a “Point-Counterpoint” on po- point (it would be a bit simplis- ferent truths, and in order to en- has very little to do with what perience. litical activism at college. My tic if it were). What I want to gage in dialogue with a person is true.” Of all people on this cam- God, Ram! It’s as if you knew focus on here is the reader, the who is hardwired completely pus, we, the editors of the pa- little piece of the puzzle that differently than you requires Continued on page 11 december 9, 2009 the paper page 9 The Girls of Williamsburg Libertas Street Brawls: Volume 1 et by Danny Miami have sworn was giving me make solid and it sent her careening STAFF TOTALLY A 7 out eyes. I started dancing with face  rst into the bar which was Phallus Dei her and was surprised by her directly to our collective left. I by Joe McCarthy mechanical work up until the Note: This article appears on- bravado; she waited all of two looked up, and before I could STAFF SCAB Protestant Reformation dur- line at www.streetbonersand tv- seconds before reaching into even think, “What the fuck!? ing which a radical rift in work carnage.com. But he sent it here my coat to grab the shit out of This chick is gnarly,” like an If I may address the right ethic ‘tude took place. Ciocci  rst! my ass (always sort of a weird action hero in bar  ght from wing for a moment, you reac- postulates that we are shifting First off, I would just like to move on a girl’s part). In any a shitty action movie, the en- tionary mavericks, you cham- back into our erstwhile attitude state that the title of this story case I let her do it and before I emy, while draped over the bar, pions of individual liberty—I’d of distaste for work. Why does makes no sense. This story will had even had a chance to wipe, picked up a shot glass and with like to address a certain idea that he say are we moving in this di- only re-tell one instance of a she looked up into my eyes and all her female force smashed has been sitting silently at the rection, you ask? UNIONIZA- street  ght in Williamsburg and asked, “Hey you wanna make the thing right on the girls face. heart of our idealistic schism, TION. I repeat, UNIONIZA- as far as I know, unless my life out?” Needless to say I was mother- one that may shed some light TION. takes a turn for the awesome, I “Sure” I replied and she fucking speechless. First of all, on the question of labor. Here’s To paraphrase: UNIONS will never see two middle class then met my lightning quick this chick is made out of piss the idea: there aren’t enough is- ARE DESTROYING YOUR twenty something babes suc- response with a confused facial and vinegar. Second, shot glass- lands on this ol’ rock to harbor CHILDREN’S WORK ETH- ceed in kicking the living shit expression which said, “Well of es are fucking thick, and it takes each and every one of you sepa- IC AND MARGINALIZING out of each other again. course he fucking said ‘yes,’ I some serious force to break one, rately, so get used to sharing! I THEIR CHANCES AT BUY- My good friend and I had must be drunk.” especially on soft human  esh. honestly believe any right-lean- ING A TRUMP TOWER AND gone out on a Friday night with We made out for a few min- The two girls then proceeded to ing responsible citizen would LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR the usual hopes getting super utes in a booth and then we both lock arms and started pulling at pro t from some contempla- NONE. drunk and ideally making out sort of went our separate ways; each other’s hair. Realizing that tion of this unwinnable solitude Is Ciocci on crack?! I’ve and/or getting the phone num- we were both hammered after this chick was probably cut the that—at its foundation—the seen more palatable fascist spit- bers of two 7’s or higher. It is all, and plus, I felt that neither fuck up I picked her up off the credo of the Right seeks. I’m tle  y from mouths of real war- one of us re- ground and pulled her away. talking about very basic human lords. Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, There’s ally wanted to Once I put her back on the nature, the ‘s’ in beings: how’s how is this being printed on a more where talk to some ground, she brie y paused and that for conservative! college newspaper? I’ll lead that came wasted per- started smiling, looking at me But even islands wouldn’t a rational conversation with a from son who we with the same euphoric drunk be enough—how, indeed, could rational human being, but I’m would end up face she had when she asked to the modern libertarian, conser- screaming out loud for this de- fucking any- make out with her. She proceed- w a y s — w e ed to start dancing and could not None of us want to work. both subcon-  gure out why I was not into it. sciously must After trying to grab my hands have felt that to start dancing, I simply said, it would be “Listen, you are not O.K.” easiest if we “Oh come on what just met out- are you talking about, lets side when the daaannnccccee.” bar closed. “No you don’t understand, I found my your face is fucking covered friend and with your own blood.” d r u n k e n l y And while still trying to said, “Dude, dance to “Billy Jean” she said, I totally made “Oh stop being a pussy. You’re out with a craaazzzyyy” and proceed- vative, or republican strive for bate. It should not have to be not dif cult to see that out of girl.” ed with her stupid emphatic power in the workplace if he or printed, it should not have to be these goals only one is absolute- “Yeah man, I saw. I just got dancing. Out of frustration, I she had no one to compete with? fact-checked, it should not have ly guaranteed. a girl’s phone number. I saw her grabbed a napkin from the bar, No, you do revel in multiplicity, to be argued in public discourse We decided to go out in Wil- sitting by herself at the bar and wiped it on her head and said, but there can only be one high- that we should be striving for liamsburg because as everyone said ‘Hey where is your friend? “Look, you are fucked up!” lander! (Shucks, I know.) Only more unions in America, more knows, Williamsburg is teem- Mine decided to go make out That cute little make out one, and yet how do you orga- working-class collaboration, ing with good looking girls, with some chick, whatsup?’” face of hers all of a sudden nize (oh, that’s right, you don’t, and more support from people i.e. 7’s and above for those Then, like the stoked drunk turned into that painfully vul- hence the abyss sitting where like Chadwick and I who nev- un-enlightened idiots who fail asshole I tend to become after nerable about to cry face you the GOP used to be). Maybe if er have to pick up a mop if we to see all of the merits offered drinking a whole lot, I replied make when you’re a little kid you organized yourselves some- don’t feel like it. Again, and I’ve by the 1-10 system. To sum up with an unbelievably annoying, and your brother takes it too far where along the lines of Anar- gone here before in this discus- the night, we went to a bunch “Oooooaaaaahhhh yeeeaahh- and actually beats the shit out of chists (read: non-organized par- sion, it is not altruism, it is not of bars looking for girls, found hhh.” you. And before I could blink, ties) you’d garner some sort of charity, it is not love, you don’t plenty, but didn’t do shit about We then both looked at each she made an about face and ran uni cation, for surely they’ve even have to call it social justice it. This insigni cant fact was of other the way drunk dudes do to the bathroom followed by a been more persuasive than all if you’re that heartless, what no real concern since we were when the possibility of getting it  ock of her friends. the Glen Becks and Chad Cioc- we’re talking about is goddamn already well on our way to get- wet is within reach. A few min- I then look back up and see cis around the world in recent honest civic duty. Don’t fuck- ting hammered. It was at this utes later when “last call” was my friend standing there with months. ing call yourself an American or point that we realized that it was announced I went to the dance the same baf ed gaze as me. We But this tirade is about labor. part of any country if you’re not about quarter after three and the  oor to  nd the girl (whose stood speechless taking drinks It’s come to my attention willing to take into account the night was reaching its end. We name I never learned) to see if from the same beer he had just reading the Libertas et Veritas poorest of the poor—not even proceeded to put our collective I could end up at her apartment. bought. Finally I looked at him column in the Ram that one  rst if you don’t want, choose heads together (no homo) and Surely enough before a minute and said, “it is time to go-o-o- Chadwick Ciocci is still  nding your own equation—but a com-  gured out that it only made had even passed, the girl came o.” I did not want to follow this ways to protect America’s righ- plete abnegation of a socioeco- sense to go to Union Pool since up to me and started dancing, event to its logical conclusion, teousness in 500-word bouts of nomic class that needs protec- we had already exhausted all of but before I could try and make the idea of having to cheer up a diarrhea using only the three tion puts you on the fringes of our other babe repositories. out with her again something girl after she just got a shot glass words: “lazy,” “taxes,” and “an- society. When we arrived there we out of the ordinary happened. smashed in her face out of sheer ti-capitalist.” This time, though, Unions were the birth of were met by a myriad of at- As I was about to try and and utter malice seemed entirely he’s talking labor. The column honest work in America. After tractive girls. Right off the bat kiss her, I saw that the girl no- too fucking dif cult for the sake is entitled “Work Ethic,” and women and blacks, I cannot the DJ played “The Love you ticed another girl out of the cor- of a shitty drunken lay. My you can  nd it in the December think of a larger class of Ameri- Keep” by the Jackson 5 which ner of her eye, a friend perhaps, friend agreed, and after re-tell- 2nd issue of The Ram. cans who were more disenfran- is probably the best Jackson 5 and without so much of a warn- ing the story about three times Mr. Ciocci describes the his- chised during our brief history song. We decided to start danc- ing, the girl reached back and outside to people who heard tory of work ethic in the West than pre-unionized laborers. In ing and use the “middle school threw one of the meanest right what happened but did not actu- by way of Roger Hill’s essay, a time of mountainous unem- dance” approach of picking up crosses I have ever seen in my ally see it, we got into cab and “Historical Context of a Work ployment, we need unions more girls--simply asking a girl to life, which was directed right relished in our cumulative sense Ethic,” which describes civi- than ever. This conversation is dance for a song. I spotted a at the mystery girl. The con- of self-satisfaction over the lizations of the West having a absurd. I’m going to go drink a very cute short girl who I could tact made with mystery girl was night we had just experienced. condescending view towards beer. page 10 the paper december 9, 2009 Grinch - Countergrinch Tis the Season...

To Miss Christmas By Chris Gramuglia an adventure in the wilderness. to the baler and writing some- STAFF AXE MURDERER On the car ride to Shelton one’s initials on the trunk, we by Elena Lightbourn ter). I wanted to go ice-skating every Christmas song from head toward the center of the STAFF GRINCHED and ogle at the giant Rockefeller Christmastime is full of tra- “Feliz Navidad” to “Jingle-Bell farm to what the people at Jones Center tree, damnit. Last year, ditions. It’s these traditions that Rock” plays at least twice, and have named their Christmas vil- I came to Fordham straight I tried to take a positive look at make Christmas synonymous my mother and I count how lage. In the center sits a huge from a public high school in the the fact that my  nal fell on the with that warm feeling in your many trees we see strapped to bon re surrounded by mostly Houston suburbs. Consequently, 22nd and thought that if I was belly and that rare level of joy the roofs of cars that are headed children who are tossing wood- I expected Fordham’s academic stuck here for that long, at least that truly only come once a year. in the opposite direction. Last chips into it with delight as they calendar to resemble those of I’d be able to do Christmas-y Sometimes they can be fam- year was close to two-hundred, watch them glow bright orange Texas public universities, with shit in New York, but sadly, this ily oriented, like going to your and I’m hoping that record is in the  ame. The smell of choc- winter break beginning early- didn’t turn out to be the case. grandma’s house every year shattered this time around. The olate chip cookies and apple ci- to-mid December and lasting When I took time off studying, for a Christmas Eve dinner that two canine members of my fam- der lingers in the cold December for over a month. I had long en- my friends had  nals to study consists of seven different types ily, Gus and Lulu, are squirming air, and there are small shops all vied my friends who graduated for. When my friends wanted to of  sh. Or maybe it’s just some- anxiously between me and my around selling decorations and before me and were already en- go do something in Manhattan, thing weird that you’ve been brother in the back seat, cover- a host of other holiday items. I joying their breaks while I was I had a  nal the next day. A few doing since you were a kid, like ing us in strands of white dog sit on a log by the cackling  re, still stuck in high school, and days into  nals, many people sleeping on the living I just could not wait to get to I know had begun to leave for room couch next to college and experience these home, and campus was deserted the decorated tree. Ev- aforesaid ridiculously long, lazy by the last weekend. I had never eryone’s got their own breaks for myself, not to men- wanted so badly just to go home parts of Christmas that tion actually have more time to - to spend some of the Christ- they love and even as enjoy the holidays. Imagine my mas season with my family the season draws ever shock when, come  nals of my rather than alone in the library closer, I can’t help but  rst semester of freshman year, - in my entire life. be a little eager to re- I discovered that my last  nal Remember when you were new some of my own. of the semester would be on a kid and Christmas took ab- Ever since I was a the last day possible: December solutely forever to come? It’s little kid I was taught 22nd. interesting how, when you’re that putting up a fake At  rst, I honestly couldn’t stuck in school up until the Christmas tree was a believe this absurdity. Keeping very last couple of days before borderline desecration students at school until two days Christmas, it tends to  y right of the entire celebra- But Dad, she ain’t big enough! before Christmas? At a Catholic past you. When I  nally made tion, and strangely it school?! Maybe I had some- it home after my last  nal, I always seemed to how read it wrong, but nope, had two days to watch movies, make sense to me. Why some- hair. sipping on cider and munching wherever I checked seemed to listen to my mom’s constant re- one would go to their local Wal- We arrive around noon and on cookies from the stand by con rm that, yup, I’d be stuck minders of what Christmas re- Mart two days before Christmas wait in a line of cars that goes the entrance to the “village” in studying my ass off for virtually ally means, take corny family and buy a boxed up, pre-deco- up a long dirt road to a grass a state of complete bliss, look- the entire Christmas season. rides in the car to “look at the rated arti cial Douglas  r or parking lot where people are ing forward to the night of tree- I told my parents, and they Christmas lights,” make cook- blue spruce was beyond me having what looks like tailgate decorating that lays ahead. couldn’t believe it either. In ies, shop,  ght with my brother, and still is. There is something parties all throughout. We  nd Once the tree has been fas- fact, for a while they thought and wrap gifts before the 25th, about bringing home a real tree a spot close to the opening, and tened to the roof of the Jeep that I was just trying to avoid and suddenly the holiday season and decorating it with orna- after sipping on some hot cocoa with the use of some impromptu coming home for as long as pos- was over. ments that have been recycled and enjoying some of the treats knot-tying, we head out of the sible and sounded pissed every For all of 2009 I had really from years passed that can’t my mother brought, we head tree farm with a new pewter time that I had to remind them. been hoping that I was prob- be matched with plastic, card- out into the forest. My brother Jones ornament for our collec- Once I  nally showed them ably just unlucky last year and board, and cheesy pre-attached insists that he carry the saw that tion. It’s small and metallic and proof via Fordham’s website would get out of school earlier lights. we were given to cut down a different from the ones that they they nevertheless refused to ac- this year, but I suppose I’m go- As far back as I can remem- tree of our choosing as we pass gave away last year. I doze off cept this harsh reality and tried ing to have to make the best of ber my family has religiously up tree after tree and press for- as we get farther and farther to get me to move my  nal to an my situation. And so, I am go- gone to the Jones Tree Farm in ward. There’s a light snow on away from the farm, the sounds earlier date, which we all know ing to take a leaf out of Buddy Shelton, Connecticut to chop the ground, and my dogs are of the tree’s needles scratching is pretty much impossible. the Elf’s book and be abso- down our own prickly, pine- running through it causing it to the roof of the Jeep echoing in So, why am I writing about fucking-lutely obnoxious for scented memory. It’s the same spray up as slush around them. my ears. this? For the whole fall 2009 se- the entire month of December. every year, and I wouldn’t have Finally, we come upon it--the My yearly trip to Jones Tree mester, the procrastinator in me I’ve decorated my door, I’ve it any other way. perfect tree. Farm has become a central part avoided checking out the  nals set up a tree in my dorm, and We usually wind up leav- It’s about ten or eleven feet of my Christmas tradition, and schedule up until last week and I’ve had my iTunes Christmas ing Westchester an hour behind high, and there are no bare despite being twenty years old, (big surprise) my last  nal once playlist on repeat. I will make the agreed upon departure time. spots. The tree is a rare example I’m still looking forward to it. again falls on December 22nd. cookies and build snowmen. I “Get out of bed!” my dad shouts of perfect symmetry in nature. Apparently, I’m not the only Fordham’s motto of “New will watch A Christmas Story, from the foot of the stairs. My “I bet you can’t chop it down one either. My dad recently tore York is my Campus, Fordham Elf, Christmas Vacation, and older brother is already dressed in under a minute.” My brother his Achilles tendon, and when is my School” has now been Home Alone. I may have been and ready to go, but at the same taunts me as I gaze up at this I questioned his willingness to criticized a countless number once again screwed over with a time is complaining that he’d year’s tree. make the trip he  rmly respond- of times, but for me and many shitty  nals schedule, but that’s rather be somewhere else, while “Gimme that saw,” I say. I ed, “Oh no. We’re still going.” other Fordham students, New not going to stop me from rev- my mother packs as many ran- kneel down and squint my eyes I suppose it wouldn’t have York City is the main rea- eling in the Christmas season dom snacks as she can into our to avoid the falling pine needles. been so bad though had the trip son that we attend this school. this year. Oh, and I really hope Jeep to get us through the long, I start sawing madly, and after been cancelled. I could always Like I said before, I grew up in Fordham makes the  nals dates cold day of searching for the about ninety seconds my arm just go to Wal-Mart. I hear their Houston and so had never ex- earlier in the future. right tree. I wake up and dress feels like it’s going to fall off. Christmas tree department is perienced the holiday season in long johns and several lay- “Here,  nish this off,” I top-notch. in New York City (or any place ers because, as far as my inner- laugh to my brother. where it snowed, for that mat- child is concerned, I’m going on After dragging the tree back december 9, 2009 the paper page 11

Q: IF THE INTERNET TOLD YOU TO JUMP OFF OF A BRIDGE, WOULD YOU DO IT? Yes A: by Lauren Duca force the law to adapt, and it’s and it’s considered playful. If is not how miserable, sad, lone- old days” when people did cool STAFF TECH DINOSAUR always years behind. When you push someone off a cliff in ly, pathetic, depressing, or lone- stuff like play marbles and stick Shawn Fanning made Napster Minnesota, it’s considered mur- ly the life of this blogger is--it’s ball (with actual sticks), the in- Courtney Love once said, “I in 1999, he created a way for der. The problem with the inter- a matter of privacy. The insults ternet was a military research used to do drugs, but don’t tell people to share  les and also net is not so much lack of grav- were petty, not defamatory and project. Generation X, the baby anyone or it will ruin my im- number of legal battles, some ity as lack of privacy. Jeffery libelous (as should have been boomers, and the members of age.” Unfortunately for Court- of which have yet to come to Rose, a law professor at George required); the court order was the silent and G.I. generations ney, everyone found out. In a close. Now, the social media Washington University, cited excessive and invasive. Free also had insulting comments the public eye, she became the is forcing the spheres of free the problem as, “a world with- speech is worthless if we can’t to make and rumors to spread. woman who had called cocaine speech, privacy, and account- out anonymity.” He explained use it to rail on skanks. They were bitches and assholes, “really evil coffee,” (sort of like ability to collide in ways they that privacy protects “the ability For us born late enough in just like we are; the only dif- arson is really evil double park- never have before. not to be judged out of context the 21st century to have had a ference was they had to use the ing). As such a respected pub- The most fundamental split on the basis of isolated snippets curfew (and maybe even a bed postal service or telephonethey lic train wreck, Courtney Love is whether the web should be of information rather than genu- time) for the New Year’s Eve weren’t spilling their guts on the did not expect to facilitate any that marked world wide web. Talking smack further tarnishing of her previ- the turn of the by word of mouth is so last cen- ously sterling reputation. Then millennium, tury. one day, with lipstick smeared the internet Technology is Usain Bolt, all over her face, she created a is a  xture and the law is all the other Ke- Twitter. of commu- nyans that are never going to Courtney had an argument nication. We be fully caught up, no matter with designer Dawn Simon- “post” every- how fast they sprint. With the grangkir over how much she thing. There’s introduction of the social me- should pay for clothing. Frus- this compul- dia, Usain just got a serious leg trated and confused by num- sion to share up. In the attempt to close the bers, Courtney did what any every minute gap, precedents will be created rational, washed-up, has-been detail of our that will rede ne the modern widow of a self-murdered her- lives with meaning of free speech. No oin addict who considers rehab people we one would join a “The Govern- a second home would do. She sort-of know. ment Controls My Life, And It’s tweeted that Dawn used to be “Katie is class Awesome Cause I Can Hardly a coke dealer. As she described till 11:15, Even Think For Myself Any- her antics in the past, Courtney then the caf, more” fan page, and it will be “found her inner bitch, and ran and maybe a dif cult to keep the necessary with it.” Only this time, she ran considered an extension of ine knowledge.” trip to the bathroom--drank a lot freedoms in tact while simul- and then stumbled ... right into a space or it’s own separate realm. In August of last year, an of water this morning. –about a taneously creating the restric- libel lawsuit. In a previous case, There are countless questions. anonymous blogger created a minute ago.” Half the time, no tions necessary to provide pro- Courtney stated, “I am god and For example, does property in- site called “Skanks in NYC,” us- one is even pretending to be tections. If that fails, the grape my lawyers are my 12 disciples, clude digital content? You may ing a Google subsidiary. Clearly exciting. If you’re going to an- vine will be the only safe way so don’t fuck with me.” Ap- have been hoping for Grandpa’s angry about not having being nounce exactly what is going to talk about sluts, moldy apart- parently, she wasn’t especially souped up Cadillac, but who’s laid in a while, the user wrote on in your life, at least be in the ments, and drug dealers. Then worried. She and her 12 law- getting his MySpace? Since in- about a middle-aged cover girl limo on the way to a concert you of course there are the issues yers seem sort of removed from ternet communities cross bor- saying, “Yeah, she may have have backstage passes to or do- of property, international trials, the spectrum of the real world. ders, issues may occur on an been hot 10 years ago, but is it ing something that at least isn’t and co-worker disputes, which In fact, the entire case appears international level. Where is the really attractive to watch this part of your weekly schedule. are presented by the social me- to be another wacky, tabloid- Englishman who called a New hag straddle dudes in a night- Since every little bit of the mun- dia. We can only hope the law worthy, celebrity-made charade. Yorker a “bloody wanker” via club or lounge? Desperation dane is thoroughly covered, it is sets us up a well-weighted bal- But it’s not. Amanda Bonnen, Twitter being tried? And how seeps from her soul, if she even nearly guaranteed anything that ance of free speech, privacy, a real person, was sued for a are co-worker disputes to be has one.” The old slut offered scores even a 5 on a scale of 1 and accountability on the in- similar infraction. She told a interpreted when they are docu- Google a lap dance in exchange to “mildly interesting” is go- ternet, cause we’ll have to deal friend over Twitter, “Who said mented on a networking site? for the name of the vengeful ing up for the acquaintances to with it until they make that chip sleeping in a moldy apartment If one of the employees of Ti- blogger (not really); when they see. So the difference between that gets implanted in your brain was bad for you? Horizon Re- no’s Totally Terri c Taxidermy turned her down she got a court our thoughts and opinions and and transmits your thoughts in a alty thinks it’s okay.” Horizon writes another employee saying order and forced them to com- the thoughts and opinions of literal live feed to others’ brains realty proceeded to sue her for that he’d like to stuff her beaver, ply. There’s a lot of jealousy- those folks that make up the old via sound waves or whatever $50,000 in damages. But there does that count as sexual harass- worthy people in the world, and people population is that now other method of communication are no precedents to determine ment? Is Tino liable? if you’re even  nding items of it’s all in writing, or…typing. Steve Jobs has on planned out if Amanda is guilty for anything Laws, of course, apply to the envy in the half-century club, It’s documented and of cial, on a  le in Pages. more than being snippy. internet, but how? You can push the green monster is de nitely and that’s where accountabil- Advances in technology someone off a cliff on the moon, going to win. But the point here ity is introduced. In the “good Hey Mr. Ram, Lay Off My Free Speech Continued from page 8. ple? your article.) We lock reasons? We are dying to know. you punched us in the gut last James goes on ourselves in the base- (Also, we had no idea that ac- week and you wanted to do it to argue that stu- ment of McGinley tivism led to “a poor GPA.” But again. The headline of Greg dent leaders promote for the sole purpose we’ll shake your hand at the James’ “Counterpoint” says it “forced or bandwag- of stirring up student Dean’s List ceremony anyway.) all: “Political Activism is Un- on activism,” while activism for 72 hour As 2009 comes to an end, necessary and it Should Not be he argues, “Students intervals several the reigns of both the paper and Forced Upon Students.” Wait, should decide on times each semester. The Ram’s editorial staffs end what? Was Greg James forced whether or not they I don’t know what as well. In the spirit of all things at gunpoint to hold an aborted truly want to get ac- club leaders you year-in-review, we at the paper fetus poster outside of the Caf tive.” Listen, Greg know or what kind ask next year’s Ram editors to or something? One week after James, CBA ’12. We of drugs they are please be a bit more… discern- reading Turek’s ode to an apa- at the paper are about slipping to the stu- ing when choosing next semes- thetic student body, Greg James as active as students dent body, but could ter’s “Point-Counterpoint” top- provides us with an article fear- get on this campus. you please write us a ics. We love debate, we love ing that our school is devolving (Yes, journalism can letter to tell us how argument, but you’ve got it all into a state of “activism for the be activism, too— these club leaders are wrong, Mr. Ram. sake of activism.” So now we something you seem tricking students into need to worry about too much to misunderstand in becoming politically activism? What the hell, peo- active for the wrong page 12 thepaper december 9, 2009 Send Me A Cow, Comrade? by Dan Yacovino plans—constantly working and ing has been the talk of the ternet currency? Are you out of hours upon hours on the phone STAFF BROLETARIAT checking their crops incessant- intertubes concerning how the your gourd?) traps the mark into trying to get out of a program ly, which in turn brings in more game companies make money: a subscription to something that that you willingly signed up for Since its inception in June pro t to Zynga. Each farmer tricking players into buying in- they really don’t want. “Oh boy, (eerily rings a modern-day bell, 2009, FarmVille has quickly constantly works on their farm game currencies to make their free movies for a month! It must doesn’t it?). Numerous articles achieved the title of Most Popu- in order to advance their stand- farms or cafés or jetmen fanci- be time for me to  re up that ol’ have cropped up on the blogs lar Game on Facebook, enthrall- ing. The more time the farmers er. However, buying upgrades Rokubox to clear Outlander recently about telling your kids ing over sixty million Face- stays on FarmVille the more is not a simple cash transac- out of my Instant Queue,” you to stay away from these games bookers worldwide. FarmVille able they are to double, triple tion; no, that would involve might be thinking, but I hope and make a list of “known was born of the earlier game that you don’t plan on for- scammers” hidden amongst the Farm Town, and the parent getting about that subscrip- good, true, American games on company Zynga co-opted the tion. The average person Facebook. idea and deceptively plas- completing these free trials However, these games in tered advertisements for the forgets about it the second cahoots with companies are the game all across Facebook. the month is over. Their ones who make the most money Players drawn into Zynga’s cards are still charged on on Facebook, allowing them to watchful fold begin with their a monthly basis but the ac- expand and draw in more users politburo-approved tract of count remains complete- to rake in more pro t. Farm- land generously graced with ly unused giving absurd Ville brings in so much money a meager plot of strawber- amount of money to the that Zynga can create YoVille ries that they must nurture companies who play along and Ma a Wars and Café World and harvest to earn more with the scamming games. and FishVille and OhMyGod- coins. Players must associ- However, if America HowCanAnybodyPlayAllThe- ate and work together with can take down the Soviets seWorld, creating their own other FarmVille comrades to with an arsenal jam-packed little ecosystem—kind of like expand their farms in order to with Reagan, Pope John a black hole—that is impos- plant and harvest more. Each Paul II, David Hasselhoff sible to escape. So I beseech crop cycle graces the player and insanely expensive you, good people: do not fall for with a wider selection of fruits, or even quadruple their output. the games going through credit missions to low-orbit then tak- these scams. Play your games, vegetables, and decorations for The stronger Zynga becomes checks and paying the card ing down these scams should build your farms, adopt that them to dedicate even more the more it can expand into the companies’ fees. Instead, like be a piece of cake, shouldn’t ugly duckling, and piss away time meticulously arranging to iron-curtained realm of scam- any perfectly normal Nigerian it? The problem is that they’re even more time in front of your get that perfect look and feel. tastic Facebook gaming swal- prince, players must complete a completely legal. The end user shiny new MacBook than you Each time a player levels up lowing up similar games creat- free trial for a company such as signs up for the free trial and really should. Just do me a fa- the focus is moved from simple, ing satellites that all feed one NetFlix. Paying for more than just forgets about it and compa- vor and don’t spend money on fast-growing plants to goals another. what they thought they were go- nies like Net ix pay Zynga to something that doesn’t count further off in the future moving Recently the desolate fro- ing to receive (honestly, spend- keep pushing people into debt- in the real world; buying Farm- the community into  ve-hour zen tundra of Facebook gam- ing forty real dollars for fake in- or’s gulag. Prepare yourself for Ville coins won’t get you drunk. Adderall ‘Em Up Disclaimer: the paper in no Even before the semester friend of a friend who gave my Vineyard Vines?! One particularly priceless way, shape, or form condones began, “Yo girl, you still in number out. This is when I feel Most of my interactions moment that demonstrated how the activity in this article. In business this year?” “Can I pre- like a drug dealer. The texts consist of giving the client the intricate and personal my cli- fact, it’s de nitely a bad idea. order 15?” There was the time from people with only digits product, explaining how to take ents’ orders are and their quirks But it happens on our campus, in early September when one attached to their identity (other them, when to, with what (drink played out after smoking on so here’s an unabashed of my regulars, who lives with than their order) end up hav- water consistently and eat after Eddie’s. Prior to break I had account. two other clients, called “Hey, ing the best stories and interac- taking), how long it will be in sold to a client who gets a dis- by Rita Lynne we were just talking about Ad- tions when we agree on where their system, etc., but as my re- count for reasons I no longer STAFF APOTHECARY derall and you, how much we to meet and how to identify me. lationships with clients become remember, and while in transit love both of those things, why There were the two boys with more personal I tend to check (a.k.a. the plastic baggy in my “Hey, I’m ____ I’m friends don’t you come over? Oh also, whom I almost engaged in a in with them, see where their bag full of product) a few pills with ____, who gave me your bring your prescription or what heated argument about my pric- head is at and what they will be were crushed. Walking back to number because you may have you can sell of it.” After leaving where I was meeting this client I some Adderall.” their house my bottle of 25 pills ‘Tis the season. worked out the mathematics out I receive a text like this ev- had been wiped out in a matter loud to my friend. “Well she got ery day of the week. This is in of minutes. 8 10’s and 2 20’s, so normally addition to the dozen or so of When I am low on supplies that would be $32 but because regular and new clients that are I tell clients when I should be she only has to pay $2 for 10s my friends who learned I sell getting my prescription  lled and I have to give her 2 freebies and decide to try it out. again and the day before or of and she asked for one more, but It all began around this time I am bombarded with “Do you she already paid me $5. I’m go- last year. I mentioned to two of have your new prescription ing to say $26, because I cannot my older friends that I had a yet!?” I have different bottles do math right now.” large surplus of Adderall I would in my room for what I need to That’s right, I allow my cli- not be using. This is when my use every day and what I esti- ents to pay me back later be- existence as I know it at Ford- mate I will use over the next few cause some kids at school live ham changed. During the spring weeks and one for what I can pay check to pay check. Hey! In semester I would only sell to sell and on the days I do not use order to keep track of all of this older friends and their friends. It the prescribed dosage those go I have a white board in my room opened up who I knew at Ford- into that bottle and a text is sent with all the amounts people still ham immensely. Initially, I saw out to someone who had asked ing in front of the library who needing Adderall for. With this owe me. it as the economic means to an for a speci c milligram tablets. almost made me never want information I am able to help And that’s  ne because as of increasingly expensive cigarette One of my clients watched me to sell to strangers again. But them decide which type and today I have $90 in my second- habit, but now I can go weeks pour piles of pills in baggies in there are also the types who are how many milligrams to take. ary wallet (hey, you can’t walk without taking any money out front of her astonished eyes as I just hysterical, “I’ll be in plaid Some will feel the need to ra- around with that type of cash, of my checking account and can pointed to a pile of pills, “That’s  ats.” I asked him, “What are tionalize their usage, others call it’s dangerous) that is put aside fund almost everything I do. 65 dollars right there.” It’s quite  ats?” My phone buzzes: “You me a goddess or a savior (really, for fun purchases like a purse or Really, my parents are going to the lucrative business. know, the shoes girls wear that I responded to a desperate late something I can reward myself question how I buy expensive Although I mostly sell to look like ballet shoes kind of?” night text for Adderall and the after a large amount of product things without them being on friends, I will occasionally get How did this kid not know what client said, “Where are you, my is sold. my bank statements. a text from someone who is a  ats are if he arrived decked in savior?”) december 9, 2009 the paper page 13 arts

by Lenny Raney terial infection, so I came back LR: It’s obvious from was imposed on these people weren’t there, the Taliban would EARWAX EDITOR really sick. And then when we the lyrical content of Lion of that wasn’t borne out of our cul- take control rapidly, and not just came back to L.A. there were Panjshir that you feel that the ture and the young people who of Afghanistan but it would California via Afghanistan all sorts of other challenges as Taliban have intruded on the aren’t getting the right educa- have a major impact on the sur- artist Ariana Delawari does it well. The Afghanistan portion, rights and freedoms of the Af- tion, I think that’s the main prob- rounding nations. I don’t think all. She’s acted in television though, was much more chal- ghan people. What direction lem right now. There’s just… I that our president is a war mon- shows like Entourage, ER, and lenging than you could imagine. would you like to see the coun- don’t even know where to be- ger, I think that this is a very The Sopranos. She hangs out LR: On several songs on try going in the future? gin, and there’s so many issues. challenging situation and I think with David Lynch. She paints, the album, you use instru- AD: It’s really sad, because You know, it’s an international he is trying to clean up the mess she writes, and as evidenced by ments native to Afghani- p r o b l e m , of horrible international policy. her debut album, Lion of Pan- stan and other central and I hope LR: So sorry about mak- jshir, she plays a mean tune Asian countries. Was that that globally ing you have to talk about (Check out the review in Ear- the original plan or was it we can help, that! I know it must be dif- wax). the paper had a chance to something that arose out because ul-  cult to talk about, so let’s talk shop with her about music, of being in Afghanistan? timately it lighten it up a little bit. What the Taliban, recording her album AD: No, that was it. I doesn’t mat- was it like working with David in her parents’ house in Kabul mean, the only reason to re- ter how much Lynch? while being protected by armed cord there was to work with we pour into AD: David is obviously a guards, and good ol’ Dave. the Ustads [roughly trans- that country, genius, and being able to work Lenny Raney: Tell me lated, Ustad means “teach- if the people with him I’ve found he’s such a about the process of mak- er,” referring to the Afghan are gain- great person to be around. You ing this album. Was it as dif- musicians she worked with] ing the tools know, he’s so inspiring and it  cult as an undertaking as it and the instruments they n e c e s s a r y was just the easiest experience sounds? play. We had this long list to fend for for me. Everything he said I Ariana Delawari: It was of possible songs, and when themselves, totally agreed with. All of his probably more dif cult than it we got there we started jam- it’s like put- suggestions on sound and how sounded to be [laughs]. It was a ming with them. The other ting a bandaid things should change were so really intense, very challenging songs on the album that on something helpful. His ear is incredible. process. The second I decided don’t have Afghan in u- but not re- His ear for sound is spot on and I wanted to make it in Afghani- ence were recorded here [in ally getting it was just an amazing experi- stan every door opened, and I the US] and planned around to the root of ence. was amazed at how supportive what we had already made. it. I think it’s LR: OK, last question. So everybody was about my de- LR: The Lion of Pan- going to be a you have the television career cision. But the second we got jshir was the nickname of combination and you’ve had the debut al- there, things got very dif cult. the Afghan freedom  ght- of interna- bum, what can we expect from I think that the fact that it was er Ahmad Massoud who tional forces, you in the future? my debut album was a gift, be- helped drive the Soviets Afghans from AD: Well, I’m working on a cause I was naïve enough to not out of Afghanistan. Why the West re- bunch of things. I’m working on understand how dif cult it is to did you choose this as the turning to a documentary right now with make an album technically even album title? with generations and genera- help and share their skills and David’s wife, Emily Lynch. She in the States. Things can go AD: Actually it used to be tions of war, youth have not Afghans within the country to came to Afghanistan and docu- wrong, you can lose tracks; you the name of my band. This al- had the same education that my really take leadership and  nd mented us making the album. know, all kinds of things. You bum sort of became a solo proj- father had growing up. I mean, solutions through unity and not We’re also taking it farther than know, Afghanistan doesn’t have ect due to me having a vision you’re growing in a society hating each other just because of that. It’s also about the story of very much electricity in general. that became more personal, and where the girls haven’t been some ancient tribal difference. my parents and their story and My parents do have electricity when it did, it didn’t feel right able to go to school, but even LR: The revelation of what they’ve been doing for the [her album was recorded at her to call myself that anymore, be- before that, I can’t even imagine President Obama’s Afghani- last seven years and their roles parents’ house], but no matter cause it is more of an homage during the Soviet invasion and stan plan has left some people reconstructing the country. I’m who you are the power would and I didn’t feel like I earned the civil wars and then the Tal- jaded and the rest confused, also writing a screenplay that’s go out a lot. So the power went that name. What he did for iban ... and in that kind of war what was your take on it? related to Afghanistan and I’ve out several times and we had a that name is so incredible that women are widows and chil- AD: Well, I honestly, I want been writing a lot of new music generator, and we’d use it, but it I didn’t want to give the wrong dren are working because they to say that I’m a paci st and for my next album. made a lot of noise, which was idea. Also, my own name, Ari- don’t have a father and have don’t condone war, but being in LR: Well thank you very  ne, we decided that if there was ana, was the original name of to take care of their families, Afghanistan and seeing what a much for spending so much any background noise we’d just Aghanistan, so I felt like that you have such a high illiteracy mess it is, I think that unfortu- time with us, Ariana. It’s been make it part of the charm. But would be more accurate to my rate. I think the problem is that nately, some sort of presence is wonderful. then, the generator blew! Also, own authentic voice and my you’re looking at a country with absolutely necessary, because AD: OK, awesome. Thank there was this time I ate this ancestors are from Panjshir, so so many refugees as a result of security is the biggest issue. Un- you! salad and got some horrible bac- there’s that as well. this fundamentalist regime that fortunately, I believe that if we $$$254,500$$$ page 14 the paper december 9, 2009 Emily Dickinson Presents:

by Eamon Stewart that aside from J Mascis he was was exceptional, he especially STAFF MEATBALL the best guitarist of the ‘80s in- shined on “I’m A Mindless Id- die scene. Cris, who is presently iot,” as he used pretty much ev- It’s been a strange jour- the ugliest person on the planet, ery guitar effect on his extensive ney for the Kirkwoods. When was the most energetic of the  oorboard, integrating volume brothers Curt and Cris formed three, effortlessly weaving his swells, tapping, and picking. the Meat Puppets in the early sturdy bass lines in and around The inclusion of “Backwater” ‘80s, they began as a generic Sahm’s rhythmic presence. Vo- was a bit of a surprise as it is punk band that slowly inte- cally, things were  ring on all often the case among one hit grated elements of folk, coun- cylinders as Curt’s trademark wonders to resent the one song try, and psychedelia into their yo-yo singing was on full effect they become known for. This hardcore template, a decision the paper’s and the harmonies between him wasn’t the case, as the band that led them to be pariahs in and Cris were clean and suc- played with the same abandon the alternative community. cinct. In short, the band played and recklessness as the rest of They might have been relegated and sounded about as good as their set. “Lake of Fire” seemed to the annals of obscure ‘80s they possibly could have. a logical way to  nish up be- Events List indie bands had it not been for Emily has inspired me to read the dictionary. I’ve been in Their set list was pretty fore the encore as probably the Kurt Cobain, who famously in- charge of this section for almost a year without knowing what much on target too. The band closest thing they had to a sec- vited them to play at Nirvana’s the word “event” even means. No one here really knows how generally played older crowd ond hit, and it allowed Cris and Unplugged performance. That to spell good, but I feel this particular lapse of ignorance is pleasers and their most main- Curt to put the overdrive and exposure, although disengenuous to our readership. Well, here you go: an event distortion on their giving the band their is “something that occurs in a certain place during a par- guitars all the long deserved fame, ticular interval of time.” Like a tornado or something? I way to ten. The also was a double- don’t know. Maybe we’ll never know. Oh, well. Hey, it’s encore included edged sword, as they been fun, Fordham - I’m moving to Paris to study books one more surprise suddenly had enough and shit. Later [goes to get a d coke and peaces out]. -JM for the night, as availability to crack Ted Marcus re- and heroin to drive What: Emily [Dickinson]’s Birthday Bash! turned to play Cris Kirkwood insane Where: Bowery Poetry Club & Café with the band and break up the band. When: December 10th, 6 pm for two of three The hiatus period pro- How Much: FREE songs. His pres- duced different results Why: It’s the Belle of Amherst’s 179th birthday, and New York ence, although a for the pair, as guitar- poets, musicians, and admirers will blow out the candles for her. nice gesture, re- ist Curt kept himself There will be a HUGE cake, made with Emily’s own recipe for ally only served busy, releasing a series everyone to enjoy while the rock band Elysian Fields recites the as a reminder of of albums with differ- poet’s letters in front of artistic projections of her hand writing. why Sahm was a ent bands while Cris There will be recitations of Dickinson’s works and a short fea- better  t, as his ballooned to more than tured  lm by The Lower East Side Girl’s Club, Emily: The True drumming wasn’t 300 pounds, lost all of Story. Your presence will be your present to the deceased, and as powerful or his teeth, had at least you’re guaranteed to leave with other-wor(l)d(l)y party favors. freewheeling as two people die from Sahm’s. Sahm drug overdoses at his What: Holiday Markets at New York City Parks returned for the house, was shot in the Where: Bryant Park, Union Square Park, and Central Park  nal song of the back by a mall security When: Daily through December 24th night, an 8 and a guard, and spent two How Much: Price of love for family, friends, and free-market half minute ver- years in jail. capitalism. sion of “Attacked With all of that to Why: Christmas is coming up, New York City is classically fes- By Monsters,” consider, it was sort of tive during the holidays, and you can  nd the perfect useless which about amazing when it was trinket for those special someones this Christmas. Bryant Park halfway through announced that Curt becomes an old-fashioned European market, and there’s free ice turned into a blob and Cris were getting skating on The Pond. At Union Square Park, you can get a dis- of bizarre guitar the band back together counted meal at Whole Foods, Sushi Samba, and Blue Water stream songs but threw in sounds. Unfortunately, it was to tour and record and release Grill. And if you go to Central Park, you can take super-cute enough surprises not to bore the only point of the night when new material. That announce- pictures with friends, holly, and ivy – then throw them in frames the audience. The early por- Curt’s otherwise spot on playing ment came almost four years and use those as gifts. tion of their set was mostly up- turned into self-indulgent wank- ago, and it has come to fruition beat and fast paced, getting the ery. What made it permissible as the band has now released What: Urs Fscher: Marguerite de Ponty Art Exhibit crowd moving and bouncing was that it was the  nal song two albums in that time and Where: The New Museum around. Sahm and Cris owned of the night, giving him a little toured extensively. The concert When: Continuously Wed. – Sun. 12-6 pm much of this part of the show, more leeway to do whatever he they played at the Bowery Ball- How Much: $8 as Curt’s guitar work detailed wanted. When the auditory as- room the day before Thanksgiv- Why: When I saw the exhibit, the preparatory information I got the onslaught of sound provided sault came to its conclusion, the ing was the second time they was: “For his  rst large-scale solo presentation in an American by the rhythm section on songs band casually put down their had played in New York City museum, Urs Fischer has taken over all three of the New Mu- such as “Touchdown King” and instruments, and without a word in as many years, and not coin- seum’s gallery  oors to create a series of immersive installations “Station.” It was during the to the audience, walked off cidentally also the second time and hallucinatory environments.” Because I feel like it would seventh song (an eight minute stage. The night had ended. this author had seen them live. be cheating to say more, for your sake, I won’t. Don’t get high version of “Up On The Sun”) I couldn’t feel happier for There had been one dras- before you go. Have a trippy afternoon, and keep in mind you’ll that Curt seized control of the the Kirkwoods. The amount tic change in the band in the be able to smoke a cigarette when you get to the top  oor. performance and retained it for of energy they showed on stage space of those two shows, the most of the show. As far as would be impressive for guys replacement of drummer Ted What: The Moth StorySLAM song choice, the only pure dud in their twenties, but these were Marcus with Shandon Sahm, Where: Housing Works Bookstore Cafe was the lone cover they played, guys who were  fty and had a veteran of the Austin music When: December 17th, 7 pm a lifeless version of “Wasted managed to survive despite scene. Sahm seems a better  t How Much: $7 range Days and Wasted Nights” that their well documented taste for for the band’s style, as his im- Why: The Moth, a not-for-pro t storytelling organization, was even the band seemed bored by. hard drugs (and in the case of provisation allowed the songs to founded with the hope of re-creating the art and enjoyment of Thankfully after this ended the Cris, being shot with a gun). stretch out in a way that Marcus’ story-telling. At StorySLAMs, you can tell your story in front band played their best stretch They should really be dead, but concise drumming didn’t. Curt of a panel of three audience-member judges, or you can sit back of the night; “I’m A Mindless they’re not, and they’re bursting took extended guitar solos on and enjoy everyone else’s words. Idiot,” “Backwater,” and “Lake with life. And now that they’ve most of the songs, frequently of Fire,” playing at least six found a drummer who’s a ter- displaying his technical prow- minute versions of each. On a ri c  t, they look poised to keep ess and reminding the audience night when Curt’s guitar playing on the right track. december 9, 2009 the paper page 15

The Gaslight Anthem Friday, 12/11 The Wellmount Theatre $20

by Mickie Meinhardt and black sunglassed eyes leav- iceberg whose tantalizing tip STAFF PAPER ICON ing no doubt as to her other- adorned the  rst  oor display. worldly residency. It is a haunt- The monsters  ail tentacles and It is an ink-pen drawing with ing exploratory presentation of knash sparse pointy teeth, yet sparse red-and-yellow watercol- Burton’s beloved theme, the they are not frightening. Rath- or accents, an animalistic thing beauty of death; in some pic- er they all seem struck with a lacking a discernable body or tures she hold a rose, in others, sense of self-horror and disbe- appendages. It is purely wild, an equally-blue baby stuck with lief; they are the monsters from and its words  oat haphazardly nails. As Lydia Deets says in under the bed and behind the across the paper: Welcome to college. College just started for the semester if “make faces in mirrors- Beetlejuice, “The living ignore stairs displaced from hypotheti- I foam at mouth- the strange and unusual. I my- cal existence into our reality, as you haven’t noticed, and now is the time for a brief glance Women’s nightgowns help me ani self am… strange and unusual.” fearful of us as we were of them at all the shit we didn’t have time to read. That said, it is a mate- terrible decision to go to any shows in the ensuing weeks. I draw pubic hairs on Barbie dolls- I keep this in mind as I move on as children. Next was my per- I use mayonise instead of pencils- to the second series “Unnatural sonal favorite, the “Character” A terrible, terrible decision. But as seasoned paper readers I beat up my wife even though I’m History.” The setting is a rocky series. It is as it sounds: a social know, we here at the paper have a little hard-on for the bad not married- decision Robot, who roams the campus feeding on reason I animate in pancakes because they’re desert, stark but captivating; commentary caricaturing rec- easier to  ip. each picture has something col- ognizable human stereotypes, and logic, catching students unawares and throwing them This is a drawing in the orful, strange, and blatantly out pointing out our innate absurdi- into an abyss of ill-advised dreams and bad decisions. Rock middle of the MoMa’s Tim of place. The  rst is a cerulean ties. He shows how human na- on. -JM Burton art exhibit, a small deer whose bubblegum antlers ture easily invites ridicule, the piece of the extensive collec- protrude into the dusky sky, fol- grossness of the  gures re ect- Who: Lissy Trullie tion on display until April 26. lowed by a Pepto-Bismol pink ing Burton’s “creature-based When: Monday, 12/14 The assemblage ranges from tree with blackend seahorses notions of character.” Mostly Where: The Mercury Lounge Burton’s high school doodles hanging from it in the center of drawn during his Disney stint, How Much: $13 adv/ $15 door to watercolor outlines they re ect a trapped Why: Lissy Trullie is a burgeoning revival of old school solo- of his unreleased Alice creativity through wit- rock-bitch awesomeness. Based in our good ‘ol NYC, she’s in Wonderland; it is a ty puns and plays on gained recognition playing around the city for ridiculously comprehensive career words: “A full bottle in cheap prices considering her explosive talent – her low, slightly portfolio, fantastic to front of me or a fron- deadpan vocals top dancey new-wave chords that are hyphy yet behold and a revealing tal lobotomy” is a man deliciously not ‘pop,’ and she is oft compared to a more feminine insight into the mind lovingly eying a bottle Velvet Underground. Go because it’s only $13 and you can ooze of one of America’s fa- of wine, and “Undress- douchey hipster cred by saying you saw her “before she was vorite  lmmakers. ing a woman with really famous.” Tim Burton began eyes” shows distended his career sketching eyeballs removing a Who: The CunninLynguists and making short, un- woman’s dress. When: Friday, 12/11 released stop-motion The  nal and larg- Where: Highline Ballroom  lms while bored out est section is a con- How Much: $15 of his skull with te- glomeration of effects Why: This Kentucky trio is quintessential Southern rap (if dious appretice-level from his most famous dirty, loud-bassed rap can be quintessential). There are laments animation at Disney in  lms including el- of living down-in-the-dirt and workin’ for a dolla, there are California. He  nally ementary character gunshots, there are tinkling piano segments interrupted by drum breached obscurity drawings, props, and staccatos; it’s what rap should be, what it used to be before with Pee Wee’s Big Ad- even handwritten notes T-Pain and R. Kelly popped a cap in their own genre. For anyone venture in 1985, and from Burton himself. appreciative of early Outkast this will hit that early ‘00s place in jumping to Beetlejuice An instruction on Bee- your heart; fairly unknown as yet, they have a distinctive beat in 1988, igniting his tlejuice stresses the that would make for a solid live show unlike anything on the acclaimed career in the extreme character par- scene today. realm of the unusual, odies of Charles and the strange, and the Delia Deetz, to create Who: The Gaslight Anthem fantastic. He is now famous for a glassy, placid pond. They have “my human story with life-shat- When: Friday, 12/11 his love of macabre, blending a sense of “what if?”, almost a tering consequences (life, death, Where: The Wellmount Theatre ghoulish morbidity with a child- challenge of sorts; what if sun- greed) not a ‘picture-land’”; How Much: $20 like sense of whimsy, a unique  owers can grow from solid for Charlie and the Chocolate Why: Do you sometimes even a little bit wish you were born style wholly unlike any other stone on barbed wire stems? Factory a brief letter to John- adrift on the high seas or during Elvis’s heyday or in Jersey?  lmmaker to date that puts him Why not? This is a central Bur- ny Depp requests the addition If so—or if not—Gaslight Anthem will make you nostalgic for in a class all his own. Yet though ton concept repeated in the art- of the line “Everything in this something, even if you can’t put your  nger on it. In a couple Burton has become a household work to come. room is edible, even I’m edible. sweet years they put out two albums, Sink or Swim and The name in cinema his other art- To enter the main exhibit But that’s called cannibalism ’59 Sound, and one E.P., Senor and the Queen. They have an work is relatively unknown. one steps through a grotesque and is not acceptable in most so- incredible amount of energy in concert, will pick you off your The exhibit is in two parts, creature’s mouth into a hallway cieties.” The exhibit closes with feet and swing you right into what feels like a rock and roll- one in the lobby and basement in Burton’s stylistic black-and- pages from the poetry book The surging, authenticity-striving cultural movement. If Bruce showing a few drawings, vari- white stripes. Several  atscreen Melancholy Death of Oyster Springsteen were born in 1980 this is probably what he would ous  lm posters, and personal TVs play an animated short Boy & Other Stories, a collec- sound like. photography projects. The sec- series called Stainboy about a tion of brief rhymes captioning ond part, located on the third small, oddly-shaped child su- drawings of strange, unusual, Who: The Fiery Furnaces  oor, displays the breadth of his perhero whose only power is and slightly deformed children. When: Saturday, 12/12 artistic endeavors. It is well de- the ability to produce a gray Strange? Oh yeah. Insight- Where: The Bowery Ballroom signed; the  rst  oor provides a stain. It is full of animated vio- ful? Absolutely. Presenting a How Much: $15 perfectly portioned taste of the lence, yet itself is not “violent.” Burton rarely seen, the exhibit Why: In case you missed the free show last Saturday at collections to come: a little of Stainboy himself is adorable – a is worth every minute and ev- Rodrigues (meaning in case you are an idiot), here’s your last, the recognizable Burton cin- perpetually smiling mute - and ery penny, de nitely one of also-pretty-cheap chance to catch the Furnaces while they’re still ema and a little of the unknown introduces Burton’s fascination the greatest I’ve ever seen; it touring around here. I stood 3 feet from Eleanor and Matthew with a series of oversized Pola- with blurring the lines between is a dive into fantastical depths Friedberger for the entirety of the show and cannot laud them roid photo series he designed, childhood and adulthood. The of imagination rife with skel- enough; the charming lowbrow vocals lovingly soar over jarring assembled, and shot himself. hallway then opens into a maze etons, sand worms, curliques, experimental tempo collages, enveloping the listener in a low The  rst, “Blue Girl,” is perfect of several rooms blanketed with and black-and-white stripes, key yet captivatingly enthusiastic progression. You are entirely Burton macabre. A blue woman drawings ordered chronologi- challenging us to refute our in- remiss to pass them up (again), especially when a) it is only with blood red hair poses in cally from 1971 until the pres- ner childish animal. “Why not” $15 and b) they loved Fordham and asked to come back next front of cascading velvet, her ent. The  rst is the “Creature” indeed. semester. Yeeeuuuuhhhh. “sewn together” appendages series, the bottom half of the page 16 the paper december 9, 2009

by Nick Murray sense (that one thing missing as the world ends. Meanwhile, However, contrary to my thesis, As provocative as this is, STAFF NOT-RELATED-TO- equally in horror movies and Adrien Helmsley, the govern- the  lm’s implications are more the scene’s real power comes in BILL economic collapse), he seems ment scientist who  rst warned geopolitical than economic. The how it contextualizes the movie to believe that this will make of the crisis, begins to question most compelling scene takes as a whole, thereby revealing its As the awards season begins the demon will go away. Katie the ethics behind the govern- place when Cusack’s Curtis re- challenge to the dominant left- and we shift our attention to the knows better alizes that ist ideology. While so much of inevitable slew of middlebrow but plays along. Fuck the free world California’s the world has been destroyed romances and Auschwitz pic- As the demon destruction over the last ten years, we have tures, it’s a good time to look grows angrier, is only mo- taken comfort in the belief that back and note that this has been the nights grow ments away the destruction has come from a pretty good year for movies. tenser. and in his somewhere, for someone’s There have been  lms both for I have yet limo picks purpose. Radical Muslims de- those who enjoy watching Na- to see a truer up his es- stroyed the World Trade Center, zis get attacked with baseball representation tranged wife deregulation and greed caused bats (Inglourious Basterds) and of expression- and kids to the economy to collapse, and those who spend their idle after- era angst on bring them on and on. Hurricane Katrina noons browsing Cute Overload  lm this year. all out of might provide the best example (Up). Without further adieu, It captures both state. The of this, the left blaming the de- here are two unexpectedly re- the impending Earth’s sur- struction on the government, the markable movies in theaters sense of doom face is liter- Evangelical right blaming it on now. and the idea of ally crack- a vengeful God. Paranormal Activity is a the faceless, ing under 2012, on the other hand, slow-paced horror movie that omnipresent op- their back suggests an inevitability that accurately captures the mood of pressor. As Mi- tires, but both these belief systems deny. last year’s stock market crash. cah switched the they make There is no cause, no God, just The movie begins on the tail of camera to that it to the air- imminent, unstoppable destruc- the housing bubble. Micah— grainy green port where tion. In regards to leftist ideolo- a day trader who works from nightvision and the couple got ment’s survival plan. The idea Curtis has rented a plane. gy, the  lm challenges the envi- home—and Katie have moved into bed, the audience felt the was for a diverse crowd of the The family  ies low over ronmentalist belief in a oneness into their new California hous- closest approximation to what planet’s best and brightest, you their crumbling city, so low that with nature. Here, nature is not ing development, probably a those on  oor of the New York might say, to board a small  eet as two glass skyscrapers col- our brother or our mother, but little too soon considering Ka- Stock Exchange must have felt of arks that would ensure their lapse into each other, they must an impersonal causer of havoc. tie has yet to tell her boyfriend when the opening bell rang dur- survival. Inevitably, these spots  y underneath. Without irony, I Then when the plane  ies be- (“engaged to be engaged”) that ing the  rst weeks of the crash. went to the highest bidders. must admit that this is the most tween those towers, it suggests a demon haunts her life. Then we have 2012, the In considering the economic poignant sequence I have seen that destruction may be inevita- Upon learning this, Micah apocalypse movie to end all content of 2012, we should keep on screen all year. Obviously, ble not just in nature but also in takes it upon himself to record apocalypse movies. John Cu- in mind Slavoj Zizek’s observa- this recalls the collapse of the the material world that we have this phenomenon on  lm. De- sack stars as Jackson Curtis, tion that it would be easier to Twin Towers, except that in this created. spite an expert’s warning, em- a failed writer and father with imagine the end of the world fantasy version the plane misses If anyone knows what to pirical evidence, and common the chance to redeem himself than the end of capitalism. and the heroes make it out alive. make of this, let me know.

by Lindy Foltz CHIEF COPY EDITOR

The misunderstood borough of Queens is a veri- table adventureland, and a pleasant 4 ride with a mere single transfer away from the Belmont neigh- borhood, far more accessible from our nether- dwelling than lower Manhattan or Brooklyn. Transfer to the 7 at Grand Central to Long Is- land City. In Hunter’s Point, Gantry Plaza State Park, a cluster of restored cranes, railways, and an industrial plant, features  oral gardens and docks that protrude into the East River, offering completely unobscured views of Manhattan. A few blocks east, Vernon Boulevard features a quirky se- lection of restaurants, bars, and shops. Further east, Long Island City proper contains a vibrant art scene of studios, galleries, and small museums, a quirky and homey alternative to Chel- sea. De ning the atmosphere are the web of elevat- ed trains and 5 Pointz, a collage of artisanal graf ti muraling the walls of a large warehouse of studios. A few blocks away is the most prominent artistic institution in the neighborhood, P.S. 1. A satellite of MoMa, P.S. 1 is devoted exclusively to contempo- rary art. North of Long Island City on the water are Queensbridge Park, with views of the Queensboro bridge and Roosevelt Island, and Astoria Park, with views of the Triborough Bridge and Ward’s Island. Midway between the two is Socrates Sculpture Park, an incredible outdoor collection of bizarre art installations. Astoria, incredibly diverse and re- freshingly largely untouched by the uniformity of the gentri cation, houses a large Greek population and its accompanying cuisine and culture. Ditmars and Astoria Boulevards and 31st Street are the pri- mary commercial avenues. december 9, 2009 the paper page 17

by Joe McCarthy the Graduate Creative Writing mark of a good writer. It is not of the honesty in his writing. stance on the issue of eating ani- CO-ARTS EDITOR Program at NYU. He’s got two only the style and beauty of his And that much more capable mals is completely pragmatic. considerably impressive novels prose that will convert the 21st of instigating a public discourse. “96% of this country agree on It’s nice to know, after all the under his belt, has written an century to his writing, it’s his That is, in fact, what his new- the issue of the abominations modernists have gotten too old opera not to est book is all about. involved in factory farming,” he (or drunk (or despondent (that is mention plenty While preparing to said, “—There is no issue that Domestic Terrorism to say, drunk))) to speak to our of short  c- become a father, Foer 96% of our country agrees on!” age, that there are a few earthly tion, and has describes the transi- Most impressive was Foer’s specimens left in the wake of just recently, at tion as a period of  l- comportment to the spectators’ this terrible idea called Post- the age of 32, ing, straightening his questions. He handled us as a modernism—speci cally hu- written his  rst glasses, and deciding class, was humble, did not in man beings—more speci cally work of non- to write a book about any way proselytize: answered American human beings—but  ction, Eating eating animals. He’d an elderly woman that his son most speci cally young Ameri- Animals. been a vegetarian on would eventually make his own can human beings—who are I saw Foer and off since adoles- decisions regarding meat and taking the time to think. One the other week cence and wanted, probably rebel, told a young such human in my opinion is at Hunter once and for all, to woman that if meat did work for Jonathan Safron Foer. College for forge a de nitive her body then he couldn’t nay Apparently, you either a reading of stance on the subject, say it, told a young man who love’im or you hate’im. U.K.’s this newest for his self and for asked why he didn’t compose The Times claimed that he had, contribution. his child. He spent a the polemic in  ction that art with his  rst novel, Everything The energy in good deal of time vis- has no use and that is why it is Is Illuminated, “staked his claim the room and iting small farms and beautiful. Somebody asked if for literary greatness,” while an downright adoration of the au- goddamn honesty. He writes factory farms, trying to glean an he’d received any threats from article in the New York Press dience was the polar opposite about things that hit nerves, honest account of how and why the meat industry. He hadn’t called him a fraud and a hack. of book readings I’ve attended embarrassing things, neurotic we eat animals. His refreshing but was slightly anxious about This is hardly an all-consuming of Foer’s contemporaries. It’s things—his grandmother’s sex viewpoint on the whole ordeal the issue, citing an eight-year account of this strapping young almost frightening to witness life, his own sex life, his own is that food is inextricable from battle Oprah had to go through writer’s chutzpah—his literary youthful vigor silencing such averageness. And so, when you culture, memory, and storytell- with the meat industry. A public in uence is almost impossible distinguished writers as Colum  nd him at a podium speaking ing. To paraphrase, he posed the stance against the factory farm- to ignore. And his acceptance McCan, winner of the National about his art, there is nothing anonymous question to us with ing industry is a precarious one, of this fame has been impres- Book Award, who tried but was to be unconcealed. You’ve al- regard to Thanksgiving: Is it especially in light of Bush era sive. He lives in Brooklyn with unable to fully express his es- ready read it. That is not to say the turkey itself that evokes the laws that deem anyone and ev- his wife and two kids, has taught teem of Foer in his introductory that Jonathan Safron Foer’s life emotion and beauty of the cere- eryone in that category a terror- as a visiting professor at Yale, remarks. is an open book, but only that he mony, or is it the  ngerprints on ist. Given that, Jonathan Safron and is currently a professor in Foer is unimaginably artful is so much more impressive and the apron, the togetherness, the Foer is my favorite terrorist. In Real Life. I think that is a empowered in person because sounds of the kitchen…? Foer’s

by Alex Gibbons dance to the fact that Wes An- motion animation, and the in- was delivered as if it were the animation. FEATURES EDITOR derson’s  lms can be alienating. nocent dialogue, I found that greatest and most profound line Mr. Fox also triumphs for be- His aesthetic is very precise, I had completely surrendered in cinematic history. It was an ing a children’s  lm that doesn’t When I caught Fantastic and since he broke onto the to the  lm. It is Anderson’s example of a  lm that faltered come off as one. Whereas stu- Mr. Fox at my local multiplex scene thirteen years ago with second screenplay collabora- for being too personal, and was dios like Pixar and Dreamworks I was surprised that on the Bottle Rocket his movies have tion with writer/director Noah a sad point in mine and Wes An- pander to children and the  lm’s opening night the theater seemed to appeal to a smaller Baumbach, who co-wrote The derson’s completely imaginary parents that bring them to the was fairly sparse. Only about a demographic with each release. Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, relationship. movies, The Fantastic Mr. Fox fourth of the room was  lled. After all, the man’s kingdom is and their teamwork shows. The The Fantastic Mr. Fox is is simply a Wes Anderson  lm What I wasn’t surprised to see built on corduroy and tweed,  lm drips with the same sort of a welcome relief. It sees the with no swears, drugs, or sexual was the overwhelmingly book- pop-rock and heavy saturation. informal, bric-a-brac dialogue writer/director returning to a content. Expletives are replaced ish nature of the crowd; there He’s got reliance on throughout the  lm with varia- were only two or three Red Sox an ear for funny and be- tions of “cus.” So, instead of hats peppered throughout the dialogue, a “Come see my picutre show, lievable dia- Bill Murray’s Badger character crowd. Like the  lm, the cordu- good eye, it’s a cuss of a good time!” logue. Ironi- saying to George Clooney’s Mr. roy presence was overwhelm- and an in- cally, the Fox “Are you fucking with me?” ing. Hell, even my mom, my t e r e s t i n g dialogue is the audience hears “Are you date for the night, was sporting r e l i a n c e delivered by cussing with me?” It’s a clever a light brown corduroy jacket. on sym- small anthro- nod to the frequent use of exple- The  lm was preceded by metry. Be- pomorphized tives in daily dialogue and the a  urry of unbelievably ter- hind each animals. frustrations of writing dialogue rible trailers Alvin and the Chip- Anderson Anderson sans naughty words. munks: The Squeakwal, The  lm, how- reached into In the end, I’d rather have Tooth Fairy starring Dwayne ever, is an his big bag the basis of my review not be “If “The Rock” Johnson, and some insatiable of celebrity you like Wes Anderson  lms, Dreamworks disaster called De- addiction to associates to you’ll like this movie.” How- spicable Me were among the melodrama. that made Life Aquatic a very make Mr. Fox. The cast is head- ever, I think that most people trailers the studio felt should be This is certainly not a bad funny, but, very underappreci- lined by Anderson newcom- who go to see this  lm will de- marketed before Mr. Fox. I knew thing, but it is the reason some ated  lm. ers George Clooney and Meryl cide whether they like it or not the  lm was a kid’s movie, but will  nd Fantastic Mr. Fox to Anderson’s last  lm before Streep but supported by veter- before the titles credits roll. Yes, I didn’t know the studio would be annoying, pretentious, and The Fantastic Mr. Fox was The ans Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, The Fantastic Mr. Fox is a very go as far as to assume people snobby. I thought it kicked ass. Darjeeling Limited, his ultra Jason Schwartzman, Michael tweedy  lm. People who derive above the age of 8 might be in- Then again, I do love me some hip, ultra bland 2007 melo- Gambon, and Willem Dafoe. pleasure from constant rants on dependently interested in this Wes Anderson. drama that I hated a lot. The The voices were all recorded how indie or hipster culture is  lm. My mother was especially Fantastic Mr. Fox is a very Darjeeling Limited was a sac- outdoors at a farm to enhance will  nd a plethora of ammuni- offended by the trailer for The light -dare I say- heart-warming charine and ridiculous attempt the atmosphere of the  lm. And tion in Anderson’s latest proj- Tooth Fairy, a  lm where The movie. Simply put, it makes you at maturity. It had moments of it works. The Fantastic Mr. Fox ect. To those jerks, I can only Rock, playing an NHL hockey feel good, though it remains a humor, but the movie was dom- is unlike any other stop-motion encourage that Mr. Fox be ap- player, becomes, you guessed it, safe distance from the cutesy inated by a heavy-handed plot animation  lm ever made. It proached with an open mind, as the tooth fairy. Oh joy. America appeal often utilized by Pixar concerning the spiritual journey  ows and sounds like a live-ac- it is an enjoyable  ick that ben- rules.  lms. Somewhere between the of three very sad and emotional tion  lm, despite being con ned e ts from being seen in theater. I attributed the low atten- warm colors, the stunning stop- brothers. Each line in that  lm to the limitations of in-studio page 18 the paper december 9, 2009 the paper’s big list

hope employment and pushy parents calorie a day beer diet, I’ve days, I’ll be injecting protein by the paper By the time this rag drops anxiously awaiting the oppor- managed to stay quite skinny into my butt. Come  nals time, STAFF OF MILLIONS into your hands, any single one tunity to turn my bedroom into this semester. My goal of reach- I’ll use my new biceps to pro- SEVERAL of us has, at most, thirteen days a “media room” looming over ing 130 pounds has gone un- pel my pen forward and ace ev- hat is the point of to complete any studying, paper my head for every waking mo- seen. It’s time to get jacked. erything in sight with a blur of WFordham Univer- writing, or catching up to do be- ment of my life would allow I’m going to spend my reading muscle mass. If only they made sity’s reading days? We here fore making the trip home. For me such solace. Nope, when days lifting everything in sight protein-whisky, then I’d really at the paper often contemplate the less responsible (i.e. me), I’m not studying for  nals I and guzzling as much Muscle be somewhere. this question toward the end this is rather a lot of work. So will be prowling monster.com, Milk as my tiny little abdomen By: Chris Sprindis of the semester. We think that I have decided that I’m going craigslist, and public restroom can hold. Hopefully, rather than ASSISTANT EXECUTIVE most Fordham students like to to locate a black hole (or see if stalls for any not-too-demean- seeing my puny muscles be- EDITOR take the phrase “reading days” the Large Hadron Collider as ing piece of work so I can move cause there’s nothing to hide and replace the word “reading” managed to make one yet) and out and start being a grown up. them, I can actually put some Trying to Recreate that Music with “binge drinking.” It is an jump on in. If theoretical phys- It’s only at this point in your life curvature to my limbs and core. Video by The Verve unfortunate occurrence, but no ics are correct, there Few bands have matter how much free time you is at least something This guy: Totally Skinny. Am I Right? Am I right?! had such a tumultu- give college students to study, resembling a chance ous history as The they’ll still  nd a way to fuck it that this black hole Verve, who, in their all up and end up studying at the will, in fact, be decade long run, last second anyways. Because a wormhole—a have split up three of this, some students see read- glitch in the fabric times. Their lat- ing days as a huge waste of time of space and time, est breakup, which that only elongates the semester for the uninformed. happened earlier and keeps them from enjoying My hope is that I this year, has yet themselves and their respective can be transported to be reconciled. politically correct multi-cultural to somewhere/time Not many people winter celebrations. the paper, earlier in this se- like them, either. being the leading source of un- mester, and I and my As far as I’m con- biased objectivity at Fordham, past self can double cerned, the Britpop has compiled some of the ways team all the work band only released our editors spend their reading I’d been assigned one song, “Bitter- days. Are reading days useful? (or at least maybe sweet Symphony.” You make the call, Fordham! I can convince that The image of that self to stay in and drug addled man, Reading do it himself while his cheeks gaunt I don’t try to be a whiner. I go out and have and sinking into his Okay, I’m Jewish, so maybe all the drunken she- face, walking down that’s a stretch. (Is that joke nanigans he was the street while getting old yet?) However, I do supposed to engage throwing his shoul- know that as much as college in). Should this ders into the bodies is a glori ed sleep-away camp prove impossible, of sidewalk deni- for grown-up teenagers, it is maybe I’ll be trans- zens has stuck with also a lot of work. As a senior, ported even further me since I  rst saw I can personally attest to that, back, and prevent the video on MTV2. especially this semester. That’s myself from even My reading why, for the  rst time since coming to college days are usually freshman year, I’ll be spending at all. That would spent with my head each and every single day be- be right lovely. I buried in mundane fore  nals either in the library could be a taxider- (that means bor- or at my desk with my face in mist or a construc- ing) books. I am a a book or at a computer. The tion worker or some dedicated college  rst time around, I just didn’t other Southeast- student; my life is know any better, a bright-eyed ern Pennsylvanian dominated by my and fresh-faced frosh hoping to Blue-Collar-esque studies. My psy- get real good grades. After that job that pays bank chiatrists, however, novel experience of being crazy at the expense of have encouraged over-prepared, I had my time to backbreaking labor. me to let loose, to fuck around, Fall reading days In the event get out there. So in- spent enjoying crisp air hinting that the whole wormhole/black when you realize just how de- I’m sick of looking in the stead of studying day and night, at Winter, Spring reading days hole correlation turns out to be meaning the words “entry lev- mirror each day and easily be- I will instead be spending my lazily sunning myself on Ed- wrong, then I guess I’ll just die el” really are. Damn it, I went ing able to count my ribs poking reading days on Lexington Av- dies. This time, though, it’s dif- from death by black hole, which through all of this work just to through my chest. I want pecs, enue, walking down the side- ferent. Fordham doesn’t want apparently consists of snapping start all over again at the bottom and I want them bad. I eat a lot, walk and forcing my shoulders to let me get to the coast-tastic in half repeatedly until vital or- of the ladder! A peasant’s salary but I still live with the fear that into the sternums of business- second-half of my senior year gans are severed and you die. it is, but at least I can live my I may fall apart at any moment. men and women walking by. without paying my dues. I don’t Fortunately, this happens in dream of taking public trans- Perhaps I’ve been blessed with Periodically I will look back worry, though, because I’ve got about several fractions of a sec- portation everywhere, living in a truly bitchin’ metabolism, but at one of my victims and cast the wonderful grace period be- ond, so, you know, BFD. a 600 square foot one bedroom something doesn’t seem right. a snide look, but most of the fore exams to mangle my brain By: Bobby Cardos with  ve roommates, and pay- How much I eat combined with time my gaze will be directed with the work I could have the- EXECUTIVE EDITOR ing for it by getting coffee for a how little I do should leave straight ahead, as if there were a oretically been doing since late 24 year old junior assistant who something to show, but it hasn’t. camera  lming my progress. It October. Just remember to turn Look For A Job is shuf ing papers for a 28 year The Age of Buff has come. shall be most satisfying. down that fucking music and College is over for me on old middle management stiff. No more will I wear size small By: Alex Gibbons STOP SENDING ME TEXT December 22nd. My plan was Bright days ahead! shirts as though I could swim FEATURES EDITOR MESSAGES. to give myself a Christmas By: Lenny Raney in them; I’m going to  ll them By: Max Siegal present that consisted solely of EARWAX EDITOR out. Push-ups will see no end. NEWS CO-EDITOR not worrying about real world Every branch will be a pull up shit until after New Years. Ha! Getting Jacked bar. As others inject knowl- Hopping into a wormhole—I As if the specters of 10% un- Despite being on a 10,000 edge into their heads on reading december 9, 2009 the paper page 19

he Papies is an award show born under punches, an extravagant year end celebration of a year that was, T presumably, something. Each year, we here at the paper catalogue the most important events that hap- pened in our big blue world. It is a tradition as old as time, as mankind has been recognizing the happenings of each year with empty commemoration full of boring and forced commentary since the Babylonian Code. The Papies tries to be something different. Think, the Academy Awards, except applicable to everything in the world and with poop jokes. So, in silent convocation, in thanks for this year of our lord 2009, the paper hereby presents the 2009 Everything Awards, aka, The Papies. Enjoy. xoxo, the paper

Most Egregious Misappropriation of University Funds: Newt Gingrich. “Is Newt Gingrich at Boston College? No! Is he at George- town? No! Where is he? He's at Fordham!” Noted theologian Fr. Joseph M. McShane, S.J. was heard to have said that right before the Earl of Chadwick Ciocci gave his own introduction to the political super-fuck-up. Really though, Gingrich banked one student's tuition--or a campus employee's salary, depend- ing on the angle you want to take--for his hour long speech (Fun fact: $40,000/60 minutes = $666.66/minute) in which he went from “making fun” of liberals by restating their ideology to claiming that pulp spy and conspiracy novels were real life. And sure, it was a laugh and all, except that those funds could have gone to clubs like Fordham Experimental Theatre, Global Outreach, or really just about anything. Oh, and there was also the fact that peo- ple actually be- lieve some of this shit. Father Joseph M. McShane S.J., receiving the 2008 Papie Runner Up: forFr. Joseph“Best Blackout” M. McShane, receiving a 2008 Papie McGinley for “Best Blackout” Center’s Paint Job

Newt, enjoying the sccent of Best Subatomic Particle: The Quark Fordham’s barren womb 2009 was a fantastic year for our tiny friend the quark. The quark worked hard all over the universe to maintain the fundamental laws of physics, and acted as one of the main constituents of matter for a record 14 billionth con- secutive year. Quarks from Cassiopeia the Andromeda galaxy showed unwavering reserve and commitment in their work, and fought ardently against their virulent enemy, the antiquark. Though they faced many a cosmic tribulation this year, quarks of all varieties (with special recognition going to the charm, up, bottom and strange types) continue to keep our universe together, make up our physical being, and providing the necessary fodder for nearly everything that we see and touch. Cheers to you, little subatomic darlings. Runner up: the Lepton

Continued on the next page... december 9, 2009 the paper page 20

Best Promotional Offer of the Year: Free Can of Pork and Beans With the Purchase of a Home For the past month, Tennessee-based modular home retailer Clay- ton Homes has been offering a tantalizing deal to those who buy one of their models: a free (yes, free) can of Van Camp’s brand pork and beans in tomato sauce. That’s right; buy house, receive can of pork and beans. For free. You actually don’t have to pay for the pork and beans. They give it to you. Now, I know most of you are probably thinking, “so, what’s the catch?” or “what stupid survey do I have to take or what annoying company mailing list do I have to sign up for to get the pork and beans?” Well, dear consumer, there is no catch. All that one has to do is simply purchase a place of residence, and the pork and beans are all yours. God bless America. Runner Up: Federal “Cash for Clunkers” program

Best Celebrity Coming Clean Moment Best Non-Michael Jackson Now, I have no shame saying that I love John Mayer. Death: David Carradine He quite literally coached me though a number of Sorry, Farrah. Move over, teenage romances with his albums of catchy, if Mr. McMahon! Aside from not contrite, pop guitar music. And there’s a real the King of Pop’s big sleep market for that stuff. However, with his newest this year, the death of pe- album Battle Studies, Mayer  nally gets honest. rennial ass-kicker David A verse of the  rst single “Who Says” goes Carradine on June 3rd like this: “who says I can’t get stoned? / call wins the paper’s vote. up a girl that I used to know / fake love for Found in his Bangkok, an hour or so / who says I can’t get stoned?” Thailand hotel room We’ve all known that Mayer’s previous work with one end of a shoe- (“Daughters,” “You’re Body is a Wonderland,” lace tied around his neck “Flip- ops are Cool and I’m a Virgin”) was total and the other around his bullshit meant only for the use of smoothing out David Carradine, fatal victim of chicken- choking penis, Carradine’s demise awkward romantic situations, but he never admitted was ruled by Thai forensic it. Now, with the truth out there, he can get to making experts as accidental death in- more of the quality blues-in uenced pop that will take volving autoerotic asphyxiation us into our easy-listening 30s. OMGZ, thank the Lord leading to an autoerotic fatality. A college isn’t over yet. rather anticlimactic end (har har har) Runner-up: Sarah Palin for unintentionally showing us her for a man who could have ostensibly true colors in her new book Going Commando Rogue. kung fu’d the shit out of the entire po- lice force that came to investigate his Best Paranoid Conservative Nightmare: Death Panels death even though he was a ripe and 2009 was a big year for Conservatives. After working as hard as possible for eight pruney 72 years old. I’ll always re- years to draw as many comparisons to the Evil Empire from the Star Wars series, Con- member how you talked about bang- servatives across America  nally had an opportunity to play the righteous victim. The ing Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, Dave. most ridiculous example of annoying Conservative fear-mongering came from 2008 Rest in peace. Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, who, presumably, has not gone Runner-up: Jon and Kate Gosse- away yet. This summer, in response to President Barack Obama’s attempt at health lin’s collective dignity. care reform, Palin voiced her concern over the President’s fondness for “Death Panels. Unsurprising to any sane American, these “Death Panels” constituted no part of President Obama’s plans, and were wholly a result of Palin’s strange imagination. The way Palin saw it, America’s greatest natural resource, it’s smelly geriatrics, would fall prey to Obama’s Death Panels, a group of bureaucrats who would decide which old farts got dead and which ones would have their spinal  uid sucked from their necks by Joe Biden. Ri- diculous, yes, but the paranoia fell on eager ears and became integrated in anti-reform rhetoric, actually slightly improving Conservative idiom which Lucy, an unfortunate victim of Sarah Palin’s retarded usually amounts to a series of enraged imagination gurgles and strange farting noises. Runner Up: Reparation Payments december 9, 2009 the paper page 21

Best Appearance by Wrinkled Irish Men at Fordham In the bleary, early morning hours of March 6, hundreds of Fordham students, alum, faculty, and strangers who had illegal- ly purchased Fordham I.D.s from capitalizing students gathered on Edward’s Parade to witness what was possibly the most mind-boggling occurrence to happen at Fordham in recent History: U2, the most politically charged band of the 80s, playing shitty music on Keating steps. Legions of boozed, bloodied, and, well, completely stoned individuals gazed up at Fr. Joseph M. McShane as he cast his arms over the crowd and delivered a ridiculous speech concerning Fordham’s superiority to Co- lumbia and Georgetown (whose students were most likely nuzzled warmly in their beds or studying for their mid-semester exams) just before the band took the stage at 8:00 A.M. Fordham students were encouraged to maraud through the night pre- ceding the show, doing all sorts of bad craziness, and then force to recoil back to productivity immediately after the concert, as The Bad Decision Robot, that bastard of Fordham bureaucracy, scheduled this little charade in the middle of mid-terms. Heck, at least Fordham has some  amboyant picture of Bono to slap on their brochures for the next two decades. Runner Up: Father McShane’s extended family at Fordham’s Commencement

Best Threat To Books With America caught in an ongoing war on terrorism, run-ins with Somali pirates, and North Korea threatening nuclear warfare, 2009 has not been a quiet year for  rearms (if there is ever a quiet year for  rearms). Yet despite all of these, the most potentially detrimental development does not require an upper-level military of ce, or even a gun license. All it U2 panders to some drunk, stupid assholes. We were totally there. requires is an Internet connection and a credit card. Technically developed in 2007, the book- mass-murderer Kindle  nally made its way into the trigger-happy hands of America’s literary public enemies through non- black-market proliferation on Amazon.com. This E-Paper display promises free Internet access and the eternal abolishment of those annoyingly cumbersomeU2 pandering archaic to a bunchtomes of of stupid, the past. drunk Parchment? assholes. We Obsoletewere next to this shining LED beacon of totally there. progress! Kindle can search, highlight, and bookmark downloadable content; it even dog-ears for all those nostalgic bookworms who feel they could never part from their tried and true favorite novels. In an increasingly print-unfriendly economy, Kindle is the front-line machine gun handler, showering the written world in a spray of liquid pixel bullets and laughing as they penetrate the spines of their weaker corporeal ancestors. Runner Up: Stephanie Meyers

Best Album: Daddy Mac – Vatican III Best Reality Show We’ve All Been Waiting For: Father McShane’s gangsta rap alter-ego proves that the MTV’s The Jersey Shore smash debut Get Canonized (or Die Trying) was no mere MTV knew they had a market for guido-related  uke. Featuring the singles “This is My Body” and “Indul- programming with the runaway successes of “True Life: gences,” Vatican III is a polemic against the papacy, exempli- I’m a Jersey Shore Girl,” “True Life: I Have a Summer  ed outside the album through his refusal to take his interna- Share,” and, let’s be real, that one couple from “True Life: tional tour to Rome and the pejorative statements Tweeted @ I’m Getting Married.” So MTV  nally gave in to America’s VaticanCity on a day-to-day basis. His life as a public  gure deepest, darkest desire and gave us a low-rent version of the is as signi cant to his music as the beats and rhymes on his Real World, called the Jersey Shore. album. He often blurs While the Real World combines eight the line between art diverse, horny, vapid strangers living in one and life, using the same beautiful mansion/apartment/loft, the Jersey content matter from al- Shore follows six horny, vapid Italian-American bum tracks such as “Job twenty-somethings living in one old and Got His Just Desserts” dilapidated shore house. For the sake of brevity, in his weekly homilies we at the paper will list off  ve reasons why at Fordham University this show is the best. (1) One guy calls himself Church, where he goes “the Situation” because his abs are, in fact, by the humbler name a situation. (2) They work at a t-shirt store, of Noted Theologian selling things like booty shorts with “I love the Fr. Joseph McShane, Situation” airbrushed on them. (3) One young S.J. This life as perfor- woman claims to have “invented the freakin’ mance art is what takes poof.” (4) One of the guys literally says, “Once his album over the I arrive, it’s gonna be like, ‘Alright, I’m here.’” edge, making his music Um yeah, that’s probably true. (5) These in ltrate our collective women will call you a slut if you get in a hot unconscious. tub in your thong underwear, but if you wear a Runner up: Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy sterotypes thong bikini, “that’s a bit more classier.” Lady Gaga – The Runner-Up: The Littlest Groom 2: Back in the Fame Monster Habit page 22 the paper december 9, 2009 its last masters, the 88-year-old Ustad Ghulam Hussain. The most striking part about this phenomenon is that despite how disparate the cultural in-  uences, both the traditional Afghan songs and the Western folk and rock songs sound en- tirely genuine. On the David Lynch produced “Suspend Me,” she sounds like a slightly more disaffected Neko Case, and on “Laily Jan,” she sounds entire- ly authentic and immersed in her Afghan roots. On the best track of the album, “Be Gone Taliban,” she, as the title insinu- ates, tells the dastardly villains to GTFO her hood in the most frighteningly pulchritudinous fashion possible, with echoed utterances and vocal runs hov- ering above guitars, a wall of strings (both continental and central Asian), and both stan- dard rock percussion and Tab- las. It is the perfect wedding of West and East. This is a damn Well, bras and bros, it’s several musical styles ranging grain of the album, as they all You see, Ariana Delawari is good candidate for the album of been real. This is my last issue, from traditional arrangements celebrate the Christmas spirit in a television actress as well as the year, and given the recent and not only will I be passing to more unorthodox rockabilly a clean, joyful manner. While it a singer/songwriter, and hav- Obama shitshow re: Afghani- the torch on to the lovely Sarah and polka-inspired songs, he ei- is true that I have never heard ing been featured in everything stan, it seems to be all the more Madges for the 2010 calendar ther has a great sense of humor, these songs sung quite like the from ER to The Sopranos to pertinent to the current zeitgeist. year, but I’m also going to be or is just bat shit crazy. Being way they are here, it has begun the aforementioned Undressed, graduating at the end of this se- such the sel ess project it is, the to grow on me exponentially she’s picked up a few powerful mester. It’s been real, Fordham. record’s roy- with every lis- friends along the way. One of If you’ve enjoyed reading half alties in both ten. After all, these friends happens to be Da- as much as I’ve enjoyed writ- America and why shouldn’t vid Lynch, who signed her to his ing and editing (doubtful), then Europe will be Bob Dylan record label, David Lynch MC I’d consider my short run a re- donated to non- have a Christ- and Manimal Vinyl (WTF?), sounding success. A big thank pro t organiza- mas album? and funded the recording of you to everyone who wrote for tions and food Many of his Lion. LADY GAGA me, everyone who entertained banks through- contemporaries Seeing the rapidly dete- The Fame Monster the thought of writing, and ev- out the world, made worse riorating situation in her home by Max Siegal eryone who read ‘Wax at all. mainly Feed- holiday-dedi- country, in 2007 she requested Whether it was in the caf sitting ing America cated records that it be recorded there. “At Now, I’m not proud a per- against the windows in the solo and the United (Joan Baez’s this particular moment,” she son. I have no guilty pleasures, seats, in your dorm when you Nations’ World Food Program. Noël, Woody Guthrie’s Feliz says, “I had the feeling that for there is no guilt in my soul. were procrastinating, or on the As it turns out, the greatest Navidad and other Spanish things were shifting—that I may Okay, I’m Jewish, so maybe shitter in the basement of Keat- songwriter of the past  fty years Carols) and few dedicated their never have the chance to record that’s a lie, but I couldn’t give ing, I really appreciate it. Any- gives a fuck about poverty. proceeds in the classical Chris- there again.” So, with the help a shit about what you have to ways, on to business. Maybe he isn’t that crazy after tian belief of charity, a word of fellow Lions of Panjshir band say about the new Lady GaGa For this issue we have the all. In fact, when  rst announc- central to yet often left out of members Max Guirand and album The Fame Monster. I weird but slightly awesome ing the album, Bob stated on his the Christmas season. Paloma Udovic, she set out to quite literally stumbled upon Bob Dylan Christmas album, website that it was a tragedy that Should you purchase this Kabul to set up a studio in her her  rst record a few months fame monster Lady GaGa’s “more than 35 million people in album? Of course you should! parents’ home. There, Lion of ago, thinking pretentiously that The Fame Monster, and the this country alone—12 million It features 15 classic songs Panjshir was recorded in 2008 it was good only for a few hit newest effort by gangsta rap of those children—often go to that most will already know by with two armed guards (AK- singles and a bunch of garbage artist Gucci Mane. We also bed hungry and wake up each heart, and its wonderful produc- 47’s) stationed at her front door tracks that would be funny to have a very special treat for morning unsure of where their tion value and energy will keep during the process. The album insult. However, the special you. I had the chance to speak next meal is coming from.” Af- you singing along from start to was later  nished in Los An- edition of The Fame Monster with singer/songwriter Ariana ter I saw him speak with such  nish. I just hope that my mom geles by none other than Lynch (bonus tracks = more awesome) Delawari about her upcoming conviction, I knew this was the won’t mind giving ol’ Bing a himself, who actually produced is a fucking thunderstorm of album Lion of Panjshir (the kind of album that deserved to rest for a little while during a song on the album. club-ready tracks, some dashes interview can be found on page get the public’s attention, for Christmas morning so that I can As far as the actual mu- of hip-hop in uence, and, be- 13 in the Arts section). Fea- not only its consciousness of give my family the gift of a little sic is concerned, what would lieve it or not, a real showing tured in Earwax is a review of injustice in the world but also Christmas, In the Heart. one expect an album that is the of GaGa’s vo- the album. Finally, in celebra- the surprisingly good music it product of such cal range. She tion of the end of the noughties, features. an undertak- even plays the we have replaced the usual ill- Although Bob does not take ing to sound piano. Not bad legal download section with much of a formal departure like? Luck- for a guido Decadewax, which compiles from the songs’ traditional ar- ily for us, it is chick named lists of our editorial staff’s top rangements, I can assure you breathtaking. Stefani.  ve album picks of the last ten that what is performed is done Delawari does The Fame years. Happy holidays, and so with careful precision and it all in these Monster was have a great break! tremendous musicianship. Fea- eleven tracks. originally go- ARIANA DELAWARI turing a seven-voice mixed She belts out ing to be a re- BOB DYLAN Lion of Panjshir Christmas In The Heart choir for backup, as well as a a gruff rock issue of Lady full band featuring mandolin, by Lenny Raney ditty about San by Mr. Brigh City GaGa’s  rst accordion, and steel guitar with Francisco (aptly titled “San album with a couple new tracks Every great album has a additional violins and cello, the Francisco”) as the opener yet attached. However, it ended up I have given up on trying great story behind it. For Af- music is superb. The album’s sings several tracks in her na- being a two-tiered deal, with a to understand Bob Dylan, and ghan transplant Ariana Dela-  rst single, “Must Be Santa,” tive Dari. On these songs, she two-disc edition that had both I hope everybody else follows wari’s new record, Lion of Pan- in an upbeat polka-style, is my is backed a band which utilizes records and a solo eight-track me on this one. This Christ- jshir, that story may be one of personal favorite. To really ap- instruments native to central EP. I got a copy of the EP from mas, for his thirty-fourth stu- the most enthralling of the last preciate it, however, you’ll have Asia such as the Indian Tabla my sister the Saturday after dio album of his career, Bob few years. It involves AK47s, to watch the accompanying drums, an Afghan lute-like in- Thanksgiving. That is just over decided to put together his fa- octogenarian virtuosos of dying music video, Dylan’s  rst since strument called a Rubab, and a week ago as of deadline. I vorite Christmas music from instruments, eccentric  lm di- 1997’s Time Out of Mind. most impressively, a cello-like have literally gone through the growing up as a young Jewish rectors, and MTV’s late nineties It is dif cult to  nd tracks bowed instrument called a Dil- album on my computer and on boy in Minnesota. By featuring softcore experiment Undressed. that really stand out against the ruba, which is played by one of my iPod over forty times. december 9, 2009 the paper page 23 But let’s not mistake obses- dead Eastern European S&M heavy beat under sometimes- more of his old self with his one of the  ve songs Gucci raps sive overindulgence of a pre- whorehouse. But that brings me mindless lyrics, sprinkled with third single “Heavy,” an ode to alone on, features one of the eminent pop/gay icon for en- to another point, and perhaps the occasional “Ay! Ay! Okay!” his chains that  nally acknowl- hottest beats I’ve heard all year, joying a quality product. The the most signi cant one. Lady or “BUR!” Gucci tends to rap edges the title of the album making it my favorite track off Fame Monster GaGa sings about less familiar subjects and his recent arrest in the lyr- this album. In the song Gucci trades hip-hop pop music, yes, such as “the trap,” being icy, ics, “And I just got out of jail / jokes about wanting everything in uences for but more im- and getting “geeked up.” How- yeah they tried to Michael Vick in yellow, while children sing a more ‘90s portantly, she ever, today Gucci Mane is #6 on me / I gave my lawyer half a the chorus, “Lemons on the feel with raps is an entertain- MTV’s “Hottest MC’s In The mil’/ and told him ‘Come and chain with the V-cuts (x2) Liv- beats replaced er. That’s what Game” list, and his new album, get me!’” The fourth single, in’ out of shame with my feet with synthe- she does, and The State vs. Radric Davis, re- “My Worst Enemy,” is a soul- up (x2) Lemon Purple Wayne sizers on most holy shit, does leased on DecemBURR 8th, baring confession in which Gu- sitten them freeze cup (x2) tracks. “Ale- she do the god- has introduced this artist to the cci acknowledges his beef with Lemons on my face watch ‘em jando,” an ode damn thing. mainstream hip-hop music in- Young Jeeezy rapping, “The freeze up (x2).” to, or perhaps Her persona dustry. day they tried to murder me / the Other favorites include rejection of, a and her music The album’s  rst single, day I can’t forget about / And I “Gingerbread Man,” featur- number of Mexican admirers, are as big as her enormous stage “Wasted,” revealed a new, more don’t wish no death on homie / ing Gucci’s good friend OJ wouldn’t sound out of place on props and wigs. And that’s what radio-friendly Gooch with a just want him to hear me out.” Da Juiceman, and “Volume,” an Ace of Base playlist. GaGa’s makes her a great pop enter- catchy chorus that had people Other notable songs are “Stu- featuring Wooh Da Kid. Both penchant for the melodramatic tainer. who had never heard of “Gucci pid Wild,” featuring Lil’ Wayne songs contain hardened lyrics comes through with her French- Mane La Flare” singing along. and Cam’Ron, as well as “Bin- that re ect Gucci’s days in the affected speech claiming ,“I Gucci’s second, and in my go,” featuring Soulja Boy Tell trap and remind older fans of know that you may love me / opinion less successful single, ‘Em and Waka Flocka Flame. the Gucci Mane they know and But I cannot be with you like “Spotlight,” features Usher, an Both songs re ect a more tra- love. In conclusion, The State this.” The penultimate song artist who seems incredibly un- ditional Gucci sound and fea- vs. Radric Davis is an incredible “Dance in the Dark” does not likely to work ture popular mix of fresh beats, featured art- sound dated, as that would be with Gucci artists that ists, and Gucci Mane’s Southern unkind, but there is something Mane. In fact, enhance both bravado which creates an album Casio keyboard about the beat, the collabora- songs to make that introduces Gucci Mane as a but in a charming way. In many tion results in them “trap- hip-hop star and guarantees him ways, The Fame Monster comes GUCCI MANE an almost un- penin’” by Gu- a place in an industry in which across as a progression of style, The State vs. Radric Davis c o m f o r t a b l e cci’s standards. he was unsure he belonged. but if you gave someone both by Alex Blalock juxtaposition Other  atter- albums, chances are they’d of Usher’s ing collabora- think the second one came  rst. booming R&B tions take place I fell in love with Gucci By now, everyone is famil- voice and Gu- on the tracks: Mane two summers ago when iar with the only single thus cci’s gruff vo- “All About the my friend returned from At- far, “Bad Romance,” but have cals to create a song that is so Money,” featuring Rick Ross lanta with what he called, “dirty you seen the video? It’s GaGa’s Un-Gucci it sounds like a single and, “Kush Is My Cologne,” Southern rap.” In the past Gu- weird and unclassi able aes- off of Usher’s next album in- featuring Bun B, Devin the cci’s music has been simple— a thetic meets day spa meets un- stead of his own. Gucci shows Dude and E-40. “Lemonade,” DECADEWAX: The last decade of music in review

What can we say about dance music anybody could the last decade? A better ques- conceivably groove to. STAFF TOP FIVE LISTS FOR THE 2000’s tion, perhaps, is what can’t we Oh, and the hipsters. Who KATE MURPHY ALEX ORF LINDY FOLTZ say? Everything that could could forget the hipsters? The Editor In Chief News Editor Chief Copy Editor have possibly happened, hap- upper middle class suburban 5. Destroyer - Destroyer’s Rubies 5. St. Vincent - Marry Me 5. Muscles - Guns, Babes, Lem- pened. Rap went mainstream, kids from the suburbs graduated 4. Neko Case - Blacklisted 4. The Hold Steady - Separation onade got huge amounts of airplay from high school and moved to 3. The Strokes - Is This It Sunday 4. Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and became terrible, rock lost the big cities, adopting the DIY 2. Portishead - Third 3. LCD Soundsystem - Sound of 3. TV on the Radio - Return to its hold on the charts and also culture with none of the DIY- 1. The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Silver Cookie Mountain became terrible, and pop in- ness and the bohemian aesthetic Battles the Pink Robots 2. Joanna Newsom - Ys 2. Mirah - You Think It’s Like tially saw a concerted shift without actually being too poor 1. The White Stripes - White This... away from the teenybopper to afford a nice lifestyle. BOBBY CARDOS Blood Cells 1. Joanna Newsom - Ys boy band fare of the nineties, Pitchfork and Tiny Mix Executive Editor which rose back to promi- Tapes became the wady, pre- 5. GY!BE - Lift Yr Skinny Fists JOE McCARTHY MICKIE MEINHARDT nence with the emergence tentiously written tomes of re- 4. The Walkmen - Everyone Who Arts Editor Copy Staff of the Disney Channel Pre- ligious worship for the 16-25 Pretended to Like Me is Gone 5. Good Luck - Into Lake Griffy 5. Brand New - Deja Entendu Teen Popstar Factory. Also, demographic as gentri cation 3. The Microphones - The Glow 4. Hiroko Saki - Beauty Gives 4. Modest Mouse - Good News Hot Topic taught disaffected reached its vicelike appendages Pt. 2 Me A Boner For People Who Love Bad News youth exactly how rebellion out from the Lower East Side 2. Radiohead - Kid A 3. Brand New - The Devil and 3. The Arcade Fire - Funeral shouldn’t be done. and Prospect Park all the way to 1. Yo La Tengo - And Then God Are Raging Inside Me 2. Girl Talk - Feed the Animals We also saw the decline of East Bushwick and Harlem. Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out 2. Against Me! - Crime 1. Death Cab for Cutie - Transat- the CD and rise of the Mp3. Lest we not forget the glo- 1. Gaslight Anthem - The ‘59 lanticism Napster, iTunes, and torrents ri cation of thug culture that CHRIS SPRINDIS Sound gained mass popularity, lead- has had hip-hop in a vice grip Asst. Executive Editor KAITLIN CAMPBELL ing to the RIAA losing its since Lil’ Jon’s  rst utterance 5. Atom & His Package - Atten- ALEX GIBBONS Copy Staff collective shit and suing old of “YEAAAAAAAAAH!” tion! Blah Blah Blah Features/List Editor 5. Joanna Newsom - Milk-Eyed grandmas and poor college The good stuff was driven un- 4. The State Lottery - Cities 5. Ted Leo & The Pharmacists - Mender students for millions of dol- derground, and the internet has We’re Not From Shake the Sheets 4. Wu-Tang Clan - The W lars, just for the  erce backlash made it easier to access, but 3. De ance, Ohio - Share What 4. Kanye West - College Dropout 3. The Arcade Fire - Funeral to cause more harm than good. when people are making a big- Ya Got 3. Brian Wilson - SMiLE 2. Andrew Bird - The Mysterious Sites like MySpace music and ger deal out of a new Lil’ Wayne 2. Against Me! - Reinventing Axl 2. The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Production of Eggs PureVolume allowed every 17 album than a new Raekwon the Rose Battles the Pink Robots 1. Destroyer - Destroyer’s Rubies year old with a wall poster of Chef album, you have a genre 1. One Reason - All Rivers Run 1. Radiohead - In Rainbows chords and a $100 guitar to as- with a sickness. South, All Roads Lead Home MARISA CARROLL sault the ears of anyone with Lastly, we cannot overlook LENNY RANEY Copy Staff an internet connection. the prevailing theme of the de- MAX SIEGAL Earwax Editor 5. Devin the Dude - Waitin’ To The female solo artist be- cade: premature death. The King News Editor 5. Interpol - Turn on the Bright Inhale came the standard in the 00’s. of Pop left us, but there were 5. Buena Vistal Social Club at Lights 4. Sufjan Stevens - Illinoise Lady GaGa, Beyoncé, and many others: Joey Ramone, Aa- Carnegie Hall 4. Outkast - Stankonia 3. Missy Elliott - Miss E... So Rihanna were amongst the liyah, Left Eye, Elliott Smith, 4. The Black Keys - Rubber 3. Amon Tobin - Supermodi ed Addictive most lauded. In Britain, dub, George Harrison, Layne Staley, Factory 2. Boards of Canada - Geoga- 2. Animal Collective - Sung 3. Jay-Z - The Black Album grime, and eventually dubstep Jam Master Jay, Joe Strummer, ddi Tongs 2. Lil’ Wayne - Tha Carter III  lled our heads with some of and Luther Vandross. Pour out a 1. Madvillain - Madvillainy 1. Brendan Benson - Lapalco 1. Damien Rice - O the most moody and riveting 40, homies. page 24 the paper december 9, 2009

We’ve come to the end of it. Apparently this took the team over, only to miss the playoffs for the little spinning ball of dirt has made it around the  rst time in  fteen years. But the next season, the sun one more time, and as per usual it’s done it Yanks spent the cash, brought (or bought) the tal- Burning Bright, faster than in ages and ages hence. As those of ent, and closed the decade with another series win. us born in the ‘80s prepare to enter our fourth They’re getting old, but bookending a decade isn’t A Fiction decade on this planet, it seems only  tting that too bad. the year under review be a decade. And what shoulder, and what art? BIG BAD UNIT Could twist the sinews of thy heart? FOOTBALL: And when thy heart began to beat, Randy “The Big Unit” Johnson secured his What dread hand, and what dread feet? RAY LEWIS KILLS A GUY reputation as one of the greatest pitchers of all time Ray Lewis may very well be the defensive during this decade, as the huge, gawky redneck It was dark. There were two of them: a man, and a woman. The player of the noughties, but what’s even more managed to be the 2001 World Series Co-MVP woman was beautiful, tall, blonde, graceful. The man was hand- impressive is and over a 21-year some,  t, and con dent. On any other day they would be the envy how hard it is career has held of the western world, but not tonight. Tonight their shrieks and for people to only a 3.29 ERA howls pierced the night sky like lightning, the storm of their dis- defend them- with 4,875 strike- content resonating off the trees into the neighborhood. It had been selves from be- outs. Aside from Thanksgiving, but not a very happy holiday. The electricity had ing stabbed by his baller stint long since changed in the air, the barometer of a family’s joy fall- him. Lewis was with the Yankees ing like Christmas snow. It became too much; the man left, amid a indicted for the and tearing it up  urry of violent accusations, shameful reprobation from the woman murder of Ja- for the D-Backs he once loved. Think of the children! Won’t somebody please cinth Baker and in his time there, think of the children! Richard Lollar Johnson simply But instead he leaves; his car is big and dark, moving like a but took a nice managed to be shadow through the thick Florida night. Then the peace is shat- little walk when a brilliant game tered, graphite and titanium  y through the rear window, and the car almost all of the manager for the lurches and squeals and jumps into a hydrant, into the news cycle. critical witness- duration of an two She pulls him out, into the street, a hysterical Swedish harpy. es changed their decades. She drags him to the ground, clawing at his face and neck, the furi- stories. On a ous tornado of a woman scorned. He lays there, exhausted from completely un- THE REST fear, adrenaline, and drink,  at on his back, shoeless, snoring into related note, the night. Ray Lewis is In a decade in Next of course, were the sirens, then the cameras, those  ashing very intimidat- which the sports- bulbs shining into those dark corners normally hid away from pry- ing. media cycle be- ing eyes. The peace, the tranquility of a small family rent and then, Ron Artest is known for from drinking at the half in games, gan to spin almost  nally, torn to pieces. S A I N T S playing dirty on the reg, being a great defender and once climb- out of control, we Soon we knew what he had done, the words he had shared with COME ing into the stands to punch a fan in the face because another learned a fantas- his lovers were thrown into the open, shouted in the town square. MARCHING fan threw a soda at him. His rookie season he applied for a job tic amount about They learned that the clean, quiet man of honor was both more and IN at Circuit City to try and get the employee discount. He once the proclivities of less than he appeared to be, and their jaws  lled with lather, and H u r r i c a n e attended practice in a bathrobe. He was suspended because he our favorite stars. spittle  ecked from their lips as they condemned him. Katrina repre- asked for time off to recover from promoting an R&B album. Ron Artest drank They condemned him for his dishonor, for his perversion, for sents one of the Ron Artest, we salute you as our Role Model of the Decade brandy at halftime his foolishness. The condemned him and then condemned each lowest moments during games. other for their efforts. They spun and rattled and  ailed, their ig- for any American city in history. Not since the Ricky Williams still has a pound brick of pot buried norance only compounded by their enthusiasm, the scent of blood Brits burned Philadelphia or the Great Chicago somewhere in Australia. Andre Agassi was a meth thick in their mouths.  re has a city been so devastated, and for the head. Turns out Lawrence Taylor was coked out But then, like a  ash of lightening, it was gone. The momen- 2005 season the New Orleans Saints couldn’t pretty much all the time and used to send hookers tary, violent illumination into the unlit chambers of our own hearts play any games at home. So when they opened to opposing quarterbacks on game night. Mikey was so swiftly sucked back into the night we can only wonder if it up the Superdome, having already sold out sea- Phelps got snapped taking a big ole’ bong rip, and was there at all. The man who seemed a machine, who sat at the son tickets, and crushed the Atlanta Falcons, it pitcher Tim Lincecum got nabbed with pot just top of the world and dined with kings on plates of gold was undone, was a sign that the Big Easy wouldn’t so easily days after his Cy Young award. Whether this says if only for a moment, and then, humbled, beaten, and shamed, he be put down. more about our athletes or our culture is irrelevant, threw down the sash, and closed his curtains. all I know is, don’t tell the kiddies. He had failed, for a moment, to be the perfect man, a walking WHAT’S UP DOG? testament to the unchained excellence of the human condition. He No mention of football in the 2000’s would Another big thing of the 2000’s was rape ac- had risked all he had on his vice, and he had lost mightily. Their be complete without a word on Michael Vick. cusations. Kobe. Roethlisberger. Duke Lacrosee. golden automaton had malfunctioned, leaving others to carry the When it turned out Vick had been a major player None of these cases went to trail, and each are rep- unbearable burden of our own doubt. For a moment, the copper in a sizable and long running dog  ghting kennel resentative of either a rape culture in athletics or man, the vessel of our admiration, and his pale, golden wife, chil- on his property, people were shocked. Then two a growing willingness to claim rape in search of dren in tow, sucked us in, only for a moment, to their private lives, years later, they weren’t, and he’s since come money and fame. Both of these are incredibly dan- to the cool winter of their discontent. And we beat, with voyeuristic back as an NFL charity case and sucked it up. gerous, absurdly negative things, and we will need intensity. Moral of the story? None. to get to the bottom or suffer the consequences.

BEISBOL: Anyhow, that’s the decade, and this is my last misguided missile of a missive from behind this DAMN YANKEES tiny, wooden sports desk. If you want to write The Yankees dominated the second half of about sports, you’re certainly SOL, but if you’ve the 90’s, winning four World Series in  ve years. read even one of my droning, incoherent articles Then they kinda shit the bed, losing to the Mar- over the past year or so, I’d like to thank you from lins and Diamondbacks in championships and the bottom of my black heart. Go Packers. the Red Sox in the infamous 2004 ALCS. Joe Torre was more or less let go, and Joe Girardi -Sam Wadhams