THE VAULT an Anthology of Student Writing
The Writing Program at SUNY Sullivan
The Vault—2013—Volume 5 The Vault
an Anthology of Student Writing Presented by the Writing Program of SUNY Sullivan
Volume 5 • Fall 2013
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 1 Preface The Vault Overview: The Writing Program publishes an anthology of student writing each academic year. The anthology—called The Vault —showcases exceptional writing created in our courses, offers models for current students, and creates a potential teaching tool for instructors. The writings come from a combination of Writing Program courses (Basic English, Composition I, Composition II) and Creative Writing courses (Creative Writing, Creative Nonfiction) and, on occasion we receive exceptional essays from other classes. The Editorial Committee selects the pieces for publication. Procedures: Instructors choose worthy essays, poems, or stories from their classes and, with the permission of the student, submit them for consideration to the Editorial Committee. Instructors must note that offering or refusing to offer submissions will not affect a student’s grade in a course. To submit student work for possible publication in The Vault , students and instructors should follow these steps: • Instructors should select exceptional pieces of writing and ask students to revise, if necessary, prior to submission • Students must complete a Permission Form • Students should send an electronic copy of the final draft to the instructor, or Lynne Crockett, or Cindy Linden. First drafts also are appreciated.
EDITORS Lynne Crockett Cindy Linden
EDITORIAL COMMITTEE Lisa Caloro Lisa Lindquist Michael Lutomski Gabriel Rikard Robert Rosengard
COMPUTER GRAPHICS/GRAPHIC DESIGN Mark Lawrence
Graphics and Art Production: The Computer Graphics/Graphic Design program participated in an inter-department effort to enhance The Vault by establishing a new, unique look for the publication. This involved the submission of articles, short stories, poems, etc. approved by the editorial committee to our Advanced Drawing classes. These were provided as a basis of inspiration for the development of editorial illustrations to support each of the writings. The students were encouraged to create black and white pencil illustrations, which were submitted to the editorial committee for review and selection. Once the illustrations had been approved, the works of art and the editorial content/writings were provided to the fourth semester Graphic Design students. These students were then instructed to prepare creative editorial page layouts for each, incorporating the approved look and design along with the inclusion of the illustrations. This process allowed all of the art students involved to participate in a real world assignment, using the graphic arts industry standard programs and technology, all in the interest of enhancing the presentation of the publication.
2 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Catalog Course Descriptions
DEN 1000 Basic English ENG 2960 Creative Writing II
This course is designed for students who need work in This is an intensive workshop-based class for students the basic reading and writing skills. The course will review who have completed ENG 2004: Introduction to Creative such writing skills as grammar, mechanics, spelling, sentence Writing. Students will have the opportunity to workshop structure, paragraph development and outlining, and such their own poetry and fiction. We will also analyze published reading skills as comprehension and vocabulary. This course poems and stories in order to better understand how is required of students who do not demonstrate the mini - great writers construct their work. mum proficiency established for entrance into ENG 1001. This course may not be used to satisfy the English Pre-requisites: ENG 1001 Composition I; ENG 2004 Creative Writing I requirement at this College. Computer Graphics and Graphic Design
ENG 1001 English Composition I ART 2001 - Drawing II
This is a writing-intensive course in which students Students explore the aspects of drawing as illustration draft and revise college-level essays. Students study the for advertising and graphic design: pen and ink illustration, conventions of academic prose, examine various methods marker and color pencil renderings, as well as editorial, of organization and development, and learn research skills. conceptual, layout, and line art illustration. Students also create original illustrations and tight conceptual studies in order to develop the ability to quickly and clearly relate ENG 2004 Creative Writing I ideas visually. This course provides directed practice in the creative Pre-requisites: ART 1001 Drawing I process of writing. Pre-requisite: ENG 1001 Composition I. ART 2630 - Graphic Design Students develop visual awareness which requires refinement of design and appropriateness of format and ENG 2005 English Composition II typography in relation to concept and specific target This course emphasizes analytical skills in both writing audiences. The student creates advertising through the and reading. Students write analytical and argumentative study of the creative process, idea generation, understand - essays and a research paper. ing and evaluating information, applying research, and Pre-requisite: ENG 1001 Composition I. creating powerful communication idea-driven solutions. Students explore the computer environment as well as the traditional mediums and are encouraged to use ENG 2008 Creative Nonfiction their conceptual and analytical thinking skills. Overview, refinement and presentation of a final portfolio is a Students will write and revise a variety of creative requirement of this course. nonfiction essays, paying particular attention to the Pre-requisites: ART 2311 Graphic Design Workshop relationships between form and content, audience and purpose. Students also will workshop papers and discuss the work of published authors. Note: For the purpose of transfer, this course is not a substitute for Composition II. Pre-requisite: ENG 1001 Composition I.
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 3 Table of Contents
Preface ...... 2 Trotta, Danielle Frangelico Catalog Course Descriptions ...... 3 Course: ENG 2004 – Creative Writing Bradley, Megann Poetry Flags of My Past Instructor: Lisa Caloro ...... 32 Course: ENG 2008 – Creative Nonfiction Heads or Tails Personal Essay Course: ENG 2004 – Creative Writing Instructor: Lynne Crockett ...... 6 Fiction Instructor: Lisa Caloro ...... 34 Coley, Kaitlin Homelessness in the USA: The Insidious Manifestation Wallace, Travis Course: ENG 1001 – Composition I Man in the Mirror Argument Course: ENG 2008 – Creative Nonfiction Instructor: Lisa Caloro ...... 8 Personal Essay Instructor: Lynne Crockett ...... 40 DiStefano, Ari Another Day Course: ENG 2004 – Creative Writing Washington, Te’neisha Poetry Dictator Instructor: Lisa Caloro ...... 12 Course: ENG 2004 – Creative Writing Poetry Fahnestock, Christine Instructor: Lisa Caloro ...... 44 The Something Mirror, Mirror Course: ENG 1001-HN – Honors Composition I Course: ENG 2004 – Creative Writing Review Essay Poetry Instructor: Lynne Crockett ...... 14 Instructor: Lisa Caloro ...... 46 Jones, Mary Mama’s Dinner Table Williams, Christopher Course: ENG 1001 – Composition I Have the Boy Scouts of America Made a Good Choice? Personal Essay Course: ENG 1001-HN – Honors Composition I Instructor: Michael Lutomski ...... 17 Argument Massey, Hasan Instructor: Lynne Crockett ...... 48 Fuck Your Bullshit Hope and Promise Course: ENG 2008 – Creative Nonfiction Personal Essay 2012 SHAWC Winners Instructor: Lynne Crockett ...... 20 Ramos, Samantha Silver, Alexandra Dreams>Reality Thanks for Giving Course: ENG 2004 – Creative Writing Course: ENG 2008 – Creative Nonfiction Category 1: Poetry Personal Essay Instructor: Lisa Caloro ...... 57 Instructor: Lynne Crockett ...... 25 Roe, Cindy Torres, Amanda Coming of Age Again Webster Hall Circus Night: An International Freak Show Course: ENG 2005-HN – Honors Composition Course: ENG 2005 – English Composition II Category 2: Creative Fiction/Nonfiction Critical Essay Instructor: Lynne Crockett ...... 61 Instructor: Cindy Linden ...... 28 MacEntee, Liza Rainbow is the New Black Course: ENG 1001-HN – Honors Composition I Category 3: Academic Research Instructor: Lynne Crockett ...... 64
4 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 The following students from the Computer Graphics/Graphic Design program participated in the creation of this publication:
Drawing II – Art 2001 01 Graphic Design – Art 2630 01 Jeffrey Castro Brandon Bronner Caitlyn DeVito Vickie Ciuccio Tonye Freeman Jose Lemus LaMerica Hakim Nicole McArthur James Ivory Jesus Reyez Gerald King Erick Rock Daniece Luckey Omar Sitz Michael McDonald Kacy Tripido Megan Murray Bresheem Wood Erica Rushin Michael Sanders Jeffrey Soroka Graphic Design – Art 2630 02 Gabriel Vazquez Kaylan Cemelli Jessica Colon Sean Cotter Drawing II – Art 2001 02 Teddy Grohowski Jenna Atkins Emery Horvath Mae Bonnac Stephanie Macedonio Kathy Cervi Joshua Martin Stephanie Daley Ashley Negron Briana Degraw Robert Rosa Jordan Elgarten Dylan Waltzer Samantha Fallick Jennifer George Irvin Lemus Ray Leybovich Nicole McArthur Ashelynne Osnato Charlai Pritchett Cory Radai Kevin Smith Jose Villar
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 5 Illustration By: Irvin Lemus 6 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Flags of My Past
Megann Bradley
Feeling the frayed edges under my fingers and seeing the family, don’t need to ask me these questions because they already yellowing fabric, I am reminded that I am holding something know how I feel. It isn’t difficult to figure out when someone is delicate and must be gentle. I pull the flag from its tattered plastic content and happy in her own life. Most days I am happy and bag, opening it gingerly to get a better view of it. The flag was balanced, much like the yin yang on the South Korean flag. The given to me by my uncle, maybe with the intent of reminding balance in my life is the reason I don’t question where I came me where I come from. If that was, in fact, his intention then it from and the reason I don’t really need the flag that my uncle continues to be unfulfilled. I am a stranger to what the flag stands gave me so long ago. for and the people who hold it near and dear to their hearts. I ex - amine the very old flag and immediately notice the blue and red The balance I feel in my life is due greatly to my parents. yin yang directly in the middle. The yin yang, which symbolizes Their love and guidance has made me a better person as I have balance, is a fairly familiar old symbol and the four sets of black grown into an adult. My parents have worked extremely hard bars in each corner are very simple. The colors of the flag have their entire lives to give me and my brother every advantage in faded over time, along with any connection I might hold to life. They always say they wanted to give us more than they had South Korea. growing up, and I never went without what I needed and usually what I wanted. Not only did they teach me to treat people the I was adopted at five months old; I came to my family on way I wanted to be treated but also how to be responsible and December 23 rd , 1986. I have no memory of this trip, but I am often right choices so my life can be full and rich. I am grateful for every regaled with the story of my arrival in the United States. part of my life. I am even grateful for the people in South Korea My family celebrates the day of my arrival every year. They call it who gave birth to me. I am happy that they gave me up for my “anniversary,” and I receive a gift despite Christmas being only adoption so that I had the opportunity to be with my amazing two days away. My immediate family gathers for a large meal, and family. The one thing that I do wonder about is my medical his - a cake is made in my honor. This is a time to celebrate my life tory. However, I have come to accept that I may not know what is here in the U.S. and not my life, however short, in South Korea. in store for me medically, in the future. I accept that fate and em - brace not knowing, just like I have embraced not knowing When I look at this worthless piece of fabric, I only feel apathy anything about South Korea. and the nagging in the back of my mind of what it should mean. That nagging is no more than a fleeting thought on the rare With everything that I have been given by my parents, what occasion I think of South Korea. The flag doesn’t spark my has South Korea given me? What has that faded flag that I keep in curiosity about Korean culture; it stirs no national pride, nor an old sandwich bag given me? Did it give me a sense of comfort does it remind me of home. I would think that the flag should or security? Perhaps it gave me happiness or love? Maybe even raise some curiosity because it’s the country of my origin, but punishment if I deserved it? No, it has given me none of those my mind doesn’t ever linger on Korean culture at all. things and remains still, to this day, just a piece of fabric. I do not hope for this flag to mean more than that. The flag serves as a My family has always treated me like one of their own and I reminder of how lucky I am—and of what South Korea never gave can honestly say I have never felt any differently. People always me. Not many people are as happy with their families as I am, ask when they find out that I’m adopted if I plan to search for my and most of them were born into their families, unlike me. What real parents. First of all, if you do not know the person you are is even more exceptional is that I can recognize how lucky I am. questioning extremely well, do not ask a question like that be - I know many adopted children who are always searching for cause it is rude. Even if you are just asking out of curiosity and with some lost piece of themselves. I cannot remember a time when no malice, the question is thoughtless. I always respond politely I have been endlessly stuck in my own head searching for my lost by telling them that I know very well where my parents are. They identity. The balance in my life that has been given to me by my reside in a travel camper and are currently in Arizona for the win - family’s love is more than anyone could possibly ask for. I do not ter. Once I, or anyone who is adopted, give a response about their need a flag or the people it represents to fulfill my life. I know parents, a questioner forcing the subject by asking, “No, I mean who I am, where I come from, and the worn flag I examine has the people who gave birth to you,” is once again rude and nothing to do with identity. thoughtless. The people who know me well, like my friends and
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 7 Illustration By: Michael McDonald 8 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Homelessness in the USA: The Insidious Manifestation
Kaitlin Coley
If I could change one thing about the United States, it would be those funds should go towards sheltering the homeless and to ensure that all humans living in this country are guaranteed bettering the lives of those less fortunate. In no way do I believe under federal law a roof over their heads. It is unacceptable to me that the epidemic of homelessness will be solved over night: but that as wealthy and prosperous a nation as the United States is, it I do believe that a solution is possible if our nation’s priorities still has a devastating housing crisis and an overwhelming home - better matched up with the needs of its people. Instead of less population size. No person, whether citizen or not, should spending funds excessively, we should be readjusting our annual ever have to go without adequate shelter, or face the risk of sleep - spending budget to do more on the behalf of the homeless. ing on the streets. How can we honestly say we are the land of the We should also be changing current legislation and laws that act free if there are those who are not even able to maintain this basic as a glass ceiling for preventing the success and growth of those human need? Housing reform is absolutely necessary lest we who cannot afford housing. The current standard cost of living in continue to allow fellow humans to live a subhuman existence. the United States is $15.34 an hour: that means it costs more than twice the minimum wage to afford housing without any govern - We are supposed to be the country of so much abundance mental funding. (Stegman 3) It is not economically possible to and wealth: it is an esteemed image we tend to take pride in as afford housing when our nation’s minimum wage is half the being the breadbasket of the Americas. However, this image is a amount necessary to even afford housing. fiction, because how can we honestly ever live up to this title when there are those in this country who never experience such To make matters worse, federal subsidies and other funding wealth and who do not even have a roof over their heads? This for low-income housing and homeless shelters has decreased isn’t a small minority of the population, who doesn’t possess this 49%, from 1980 to 2003 (National Coalition for the Homeless 1). basic human need, either. The nation’s homeless population was This means we are trying to solve a gargantuan problem by estimated at 636,017 in 2011 by the National Alliance to End relying on only half the funding we once had dedicated to Homelessness (1). That is not a small population by any means, providing housing and improving the lives of the homeless. How and this nation cannot continue to do nothing to solve this grow - are we as a nation ever expected to make significant progress in ing epidemic, or pretend it’s not there at all. This is unacceptable improving the lives of others if we continue to put the issue on the to me that we live in a nation that prioritizes war and entertain - back burner of our federal spending priorities? I am convinced ment over feeding and sheltering the nations’ less fortunate. that if we made even the most subtle of changes to our country’s Morally speaking, I cannot sit and do nothing while there is such way of thinking and current legislation that incredible progress needless human suffering around me. I truly believe that our could be made in attaining housing for each American. There government and our citizens can afford to provide housing for is nothing feasible about it, yet it is a growing crisis requiring each American: we simply will not. It is not a priority for our fed - America’s immediate attention, lest we continue to contribute eral government at this time, nor is it listed on its political or social to the needless suffering of those without housing. agenda. We need to change our priorities and our methods of dealing with the existing problem if we are ever to become the Homelessness is considered an issue of political insignificance prosperous nation we tell our children that we are. because politicians only care about the opinions of their primary voter demographics. Unfortunately, the majority of the homeless We continue to unnecessarily pump $710 billion of our tax population does not vote, and so their voices are not heard in dollars per year into the largest defense budget on the planet. Congress (National Coalition for the Homeless 2). There are also (Guardian, 1) Rather than continue to needlessly do so, part of voter laws, such as the voting registration laws of the south, in
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 9 rule continue to believe the fiction that homelessness is some - how not affecting them, that there is nothing they can do about it, and, therefore, it is not their problem (National Coalition for the Homeless 2). Until Americans become more aware of the hard - ships faced by homeless individuals, and in some way experience those hardships firsthand, many Americans are going to continue to believe in this fiction.
Another reason people in general do not care about the social or economic welfare of homeless people is the damaging slippery slope fallacy. Ultimately, there are many who believe that people are homeless because it is their own fault (National Coalition for the Homeless 2). There is a fair amount of prejudice regarding this belief, in that the fallacy believers feel that the homeless are largely uneducated, lazy, refuse to work, mentally ill, welfare draining, or substance abusers (The Suitcase Clinic 1). This is simply not the case: while there are certain homeless indi - viduals who qualify for all of the aforementioned descriptors, they are not the acute reasons why homelessness exists. The fact of the matter is, anyone from any socioeconomic background could at anytime become homeless due to unfortunate circumstances, such as high medical bills or home foreclosure. Anyone who does not possess the financial means to rebound from unfortunate circumstances is bound to remain homeless. The philosophy of the fallacy believer is that anyone who is homeless should just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and simply get a job Illustration By: Kathy Cervi (The Suitcase Clinic 1). People forget that, in this recession in particular, jobs do not simply grow on trees and that steady employment does not guarantee housing by any means. The which 14 states require voters to pay a fee for a voter identification stigma surrounding homelessness pervades not only people card. By enacting a fee for citizens to register to vote, states are on a social level, but also the politicians who shape the laws and effectively limiting the voice of the homeless as well as the poor legislation of this country. Overall, if any significant social change during elections (National Coalition for the Homeless 2). The is to occur, the mindset in which we tackle the issue of homeless laws of this country make it exceedingly difficult for people who must be altered completely. are homeless to attempt to better their lives or even have a Until the people and government of the United States begin political input in their state. Unless reform is enacted on a na - to care more about improving the standard of living of others, tional level to make voting more accessible to homeless people instead of improving their own personal standard of living, and those in poverty, not much political or social change can homelessness will continue to exist as a never-ending problem. occur to the benefit of this issue. Time will tell if we can unify as a people into prioritizing human One of the most socially damaging reasons why homelessness well-being above all else and cease to bicker incessantly over remains a non-issue is that, unless people are directly experienc - frivolous bipartisan malarkey. As prosperous a nation as we may ing an issue, they simply do not care about it (The Suitcase Clinic be economically, we are impoverished morally as we continue 1). People as a whole generally have to experience something to allow such discrepancy in our priorities and our standard of first-hand in order to truly understand or care about said issue. human decency. No person deserves to be in a position of feeling If someone watches a little girl being run over by a drunk driver or living as subhuman, and the fact that we continue to ignore right in front of them, they are ultimately going to have a deeper others who are less fortunate is truly telling of our lack of morality. level of concern for the issue of drunk driving than they would A call to action for the improvement of the lives of the homeless have if they had merely read a statistic on the issue. This same is as necessary as breathing, and I refuse to allow others around principle can be applied to the political and socioeconomic me to fall through the cracks of a system that has been against apathy regarding the issue of homeless Americans. People as a them since day one.
10 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 It does not take that much effort to make small lifestyle WORKS CITED changes in the day to day lives of each American in an attempt to eradicate the issue of homelessness. Every action, no matter National Alliance to End Homelessness. “The State of how small or simple, counts in the fight against this insidious, so - Homelessness in America 2012.” National Alliance to End cioeconomic matter. Give that spare change to whichever street Homelessness:. National Alliance to End Homelessness, corner organization or person is asking for it. Once a year, go 2011. Web. 12 Nov. 2012.
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 11 Illustration By: Ashelynne Osnato 12 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Another Day
Ari DiStefano
Sounds of movement and distant whispers catch my attention. They get louder and clearer as I grab hold of my location. I am here in my place of comfort. As I roll over, a pocket of cold winter chill flows into my warm cocoon. I cringe at the thought of leaving and bury myself as never to leave. All thoughts dissipate at the scent of gold. Eggs cooking like golden coins, bread toasted to a golden brown, and the sound of sizzling golden oil dripping from a roasting pig. All fit for a king. I try to look around but my eyes stay shut for the fear of light. But the smell calls like a Piper leading the mice, moving me uncontrollably towards the source. While shuffling towards my goal, swaying slowly as if undead. Too early for my brain to work, so only simple words and grunts come out. Feed me, I say while circling the living blocking my path. I am handed food to dispel the hunger deep within. The jolt of flavor revives me and opens my eyes. I am alive for another day.
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 13 Illustration By: Gerald King 14 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 The Something
Christine Fahnestock
William Faulkner, an American writer, once said “It begins with engage in unconventional living” (57). It is through this quote a character, usually, and once he stands up on his feet and begins that I first began to build an interest in McCandless; his passion to move, all I can do is trot along behind him with a paper and for understanding where Joy comes from, and his faith in God pencil trying to keep up long enough to put down what he says interested me. It is at the moments when we first connect with and does” (Faulkner). It is only occasionally that you can stumble characters that we begin to want to understand the reasons upon a character with values and thoughts that leave a lasting behind their actions. impression on you. While William Faulkner is referring to a fictional character, there are many real characters who are able After making a connection with McCandless early-on in to have the same impact. In Into the Wild , by Jon Krakauer, the the book, I found myself searching for the reasons behind his protagonist Christopher McCandless ventures into the wilder - motivation. I wanted to know why he would risk going into the ness of Alaska in search of answers to questions he hasn’t yet Alaskan wilderness at his young age. I wanted to know why he formulated. Although McCandless is not a fictional character, decided to abandon his family and the society that had been Krakauer’s portrayal of him has left an impact. formed around him. I wanted to know what McCandless was searching for, and what the answers were. Gaylord Stucky, a Krakauer’s biography of Christopher McCandless, Into the sixty-three-year-old whom McCandless encountered in the Wild , covers the journey of a young man who is trying to find the Yukon Territory said, “[McCandless] said it was something he’d meaning behind his life; the meaning behind his existence. In wanted to do since he was little… he wanted to prove to himself the beginning the reader is introduced to a young man who is that he could make it on his own, without anybody else’s help” determined to spend some time in the Alaskan wilderness. His (159). This small detail about McCandless had me on my feet, determination is clear from the start, as he rejects advice and struggling to find out more; this mind-set of conquering life’s help from Jim Gallien, a truck driver who picked McCandless up problems on your own; this idea of complete independence and on his way through Alaska. Throughout the book, the reader gets self-reliance was something that I have been striving for over the a strong sense of the determination and wisdom behind the pro - last few years. Like McCandless, I have been searching for tagonist. Very early in the book, Krakauer provides information answers to unknown questions. from an interview with one of McCandless’ co-workers, who said McCandless “seemed like a kid who was looking for something, Krakauer documents McCandless’ journey through the looking for something , just didn’t know what it was” (42). Krakauer Alaskan wilderness leading up to his final living days. McCandless constantly portrays McCandless as a young man who is searching finally encountered an answer to one of his unknown questions for an answer far bigger than anyone could have ever imagined. on July 2nd, 1992 while reading Tolstoy. He says that “[Tolstoy] was This biography is a depiction of the journey that McCandless right in saying that the only certain happiness in life is to live for endured in order to find those answers. others” (169). Krakauer also includes a section which illustrates the portions of Tolstoy’s “Family Happiness” that appealed most McCandless is portrayed as a man who is in search of something to McCandless: “I have lived through much, and now I think I far bigger than anyone could ever imagine. Throughout the have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life book, Krakauer includes references to some of the literature that in the country . . . a mate and children perhaps—what more can inspired McCandless as well some of the letters that he had writ - the heart of a man desire?” (169). Through this passage I was able ten to people he met on his journey; through these two sources, to feel a strong connection with McCandless; I have recently the reader is able to get inside the mind of McCandless in a feeble discovered that happiness comes from the people around you, attempt to understand the logic which was his motivating force. from the lives that you are able to touch, even if for a brief In a letter to Ronald Franz, an old man that McCandless moment of time. encountered in Salton City, California, McCandless writes, “You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally Krakauer states, “Maybe he was prepared to forgive [his from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is family’s] imperfections; maybe he was even prepared to forgive in everything and anything we might experience. We just have some of his own” (168). This depiction of McCandless shows to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and that he has finally matured enough to realize that the key to life
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 15 is to surround yourself with people and to find strength enough Works Cited within yourself to forgive not only them, but also yourself. One of the hardest battles that many people face is forgiveness; without Faulkner, William. “William Faulkner Quotes.” Goodreads. it, we cannot be truly happy. On July 3rd, after McCandless figures N.p., 2012. Web. 2 Dec. 2012. out the key to happiness, he begins his journey out of Stampede
Krakauer spends numerous months of his life researching McCandless, reading through the journal that he had kept throughout his stay in Alaska, and interviewing the people who encountered Christopher McCandless during his never-ending journey to search for his “something.” McCandless’ “something” was the meaning behind his life; he needed to understand what happiness is, and what his purpose on this earth was. Through the compilation of these aspects, the reader is able to get a strong sense of the person that McCandless is, and the ability to realize that the things he was searching for were far bigger than most people dare to question. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is searching for “something” but cannot quite figure out what that “something” is. Jon Krakauer was able to portray a protagonist who represents many contemporary youth; we are continuously searching for something that is much bigger than us and find ourselves falling short of figuring it out. Christopher McCandless represents our generation. He represents the questions that we cannot put into words, and he represents the integrity and dedication that we lack. McCandless was a symbol for us: he went out and searched for the answers, he gave up everything he had once known, he succeeded in becoming an icon for adventure, wisdom, and passion.
16 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Mama’s Dinner Table
Mary Jones
Growing up Italian, typical, old-school Italian, one can imagine One would think Mama, satisfied with the smiling, lolling what an event sitting down to a holiday meal entailed. Whether bodies surrounding the table, would have ended the meal there. we had lamb at Easter, turkey at Thanksgiving, or lasagna at But not Mama. After taking a break to clear away the myriad Christmas, for every holiday, an abundance of food at Mama’s dishes, a turkey, large enough to feed a small country, made an table appeared! Growing up with those memorable meals, entrance. Snowy white mashed potatoes appeared in large made me want to pass along those traditions to my own ceramic bowls. Sweet potatoes covered in cinnamon sat next children. I think I have. to a platter of broccoli and mushrooms, the scent of garlic wafting up, filling the air around it with heady perfume. Preparations for Christmas dinner started weeks in advance. It had to! By Christmas afternoon, the array of food coming After the turkey and the trimmings, came the assortment down the long hallway from the kitchen to the dining room of fruit and nuts (not just the ones gathered around the table, seemed never-ending. Platters of antipasto, piled high with either). Not long after, we planted ourselves in the living room, salami, prosciutto, olives, any cold cut one could imagine, ap - completely stuffed and completely happy. An impromptu card peared. After the antipasto, followed pans of lasagna, rich with game might break out, or one could hear gentle snoring coming ricotta cheese, stringy mozzarella, and baked through using from Dad. The aroma of freshly-brewed coffee wafted in from Mama’s zesty ruby red tomato sauce. Few things in this world the kitchen signaling for us to make our way back to the long compared to Mama’s lasagna. damask-covered table and eagerly wait in anticipation for the
Illustration By: LaMerica Hakim Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 17 Illustration By: Jordan Elgarten 18 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 desserts. Among the cream pies, the spumoni, the strufoli, Other traditions that Mama instilled live on. My kids and emerged a mountain of cookies. All shapes and sizes. Some I make anisette cookies at Christmas; we don’t put the baby cookies, with gem-colored centers, looked like stained-glass Jesus in the crèche until Christmas Eve (no one seems to know when you held them up to the light. Other cookies, covered why). We color Easter eggs every Palm Sunday. with rainbow sprinkles, sat next to the biscotti, which you could only eat after dunking it in either milk, coffee, or the sweet My kids started their own tradition. They love to dip the warm wine Grandpa made the summer before. anisette cookie into the icing, and quickly eat it when they think I’m not watching. Thinking back, I did the same at their age. But only one kind of cookie earned the title of the best cookie. I turn back to the oven and smile. The traditions live on. The absolute best cookie! Mama’s anisette cookie. My brothers and I would fight to get those. These cookies tasted of licorice. Shaped into short twists, soft and flaky, they were completely covered in a glaze that also had the bite of licorice. Mama only made these cookies at Christmas.
That first bite of the first anisette cookie since the prior year had an almost magical quality to it. The taste of licorice exploded into my mouth! The cookie seemed to melt away almost before I could chew it. The taste it left in my mouth begged to have something to wash it down so I could arrive at the next bite. Ice cold milk always hit the spot! As I grew, I graduated to coffee. To this day, when I have an anisette cookie, I have to have a cup of coffee to go along with it.
Mama would always tell the story of how the recipe for these cookies, traditionally the same one she used to make growing up with her mother, came over from Italy. She said this recipe, lovingly handed down many times before now, would one day pass to us and our children.
I remember when she said I could learn the recipe. Mama never had a recipe book. She kept it all in her head. Excitedly, I knew I had to write it down! Thankfully, I did then, because Mama died unexpectedly soon after. The responsibility of carrying on the family traditions now fell on me. The first few attempts at making cookies on my own paled in comparison to Mama’s. But in baking, as in life, perseverance helps: keep trying, keep adjusting, keep moving forward.
In the years since Mama died, my dad and brothers scattered all over the states. During the holidays I have boxes of cookies lined up like soldiers ready to go their destinations. My brother calls, after he receives the box, and says how that first whiff of anisette when he opens the box carries him back to that magical time in childhood. His kids now know the bite of the anisette cookie.
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 19 Illustration By: Mae Bannaci 20 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Fuck Your Bullshit Hope and Promise
Hasan R. Massey
Time stopped; nothing moved in that instant. Stillness remember where I was and what I had been doing mo - passed over me; my senses seemed to reach maximum ments before. I was walking home with Raliek. Just fifteen velocity and stood there, raging and reacting at maximum steps before, I had bid my confidant, my mentor, my friend, output. Yet, that was all that could be perceived in that my brother goodnight. As I began to retrace those fifteen moment. steps, I found the only man that had ever demonstrated any love toward me slumped over the steps of his own front My stillness was a chill. Not just being frozen, but the icy stoop. cool that can overcome you at times of complete anguish and dread. The ability to feel your veins solidify and then The world began to speed up again. My breathing got thaw in an instant. For that moment, that second, you are short and tight. My lungs did not seem to stretch with paralyzed. Your brain sends rapid signals that cause an arthritis as I breathed anymore. Every breath still hurt overload of confusion. Your neurons fry and spark from though, but this time because each one was constrained the shock of what has just occurred. by something. Like an undertow yanking you back under water just as you surface for air. This is what it felt like to me. In reality, (which is not always clear during such events), everything had happened I turned my friend over. He was still alive. I didn’t under - within a blink of an eye. I had heard gun shots. I turned and stand how; there was so much blood. I looked at him, he dove to the ground in one motion (combat techniques are was fighting; no, he was praying; dying, yes he was dying. taught at the same time you learn to tie your shoes in my I told him to hold on. I tried to stop the flow of blood, moving neighborhood). I’m trying to breathe but my chest is taut. my hand from one bullet wound to the next. But it wouldn’t With every inhale and exhale, my lungs seem to snap and give; the blood kept draining from him, taking Raliek and crack like bones and joints that have settled in the same leaving me his shell. place for too long. Even though he was dead, I still got on the bus. I’m transfer - I’m trying to hear but no outside sound would tune in. ring to a new school for the last quarter. Home schooled for the Yet there was some type of pulsating, humming sound filling first three. The people who know a lot about nothing called it “Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder.” I called it grief and the my ears. It was like that drone vibrating noise coming from laws of the hood; a motherfucker was gonna die for killing my a refrigerator motor. Faint but clear. Slow but steady. man. Plain and simple. Either way, the people who know a lot Hypnotizing yet annoying. I began to blink, trying to bring about nothing decided that I should take a break from school the world back into focus. I looked up and saw darkness. (intense social settings) and undergo counseling. I knew it was the night sky but it appeared wrong. I blinked I guess it was therapeutic. Time to think to myself and time again and a flash of light snuck through; and the scene to fuck with the heads of the people supposed to be fixing became like a snapshot. Light illuminated the scene but mine. Eventually the people who know a lot about nothing gave definition and clarity to nothing. I blinked again and started getting tired of me and pronounced I may not be my brain turned over and revved up to a stutter start. curable. So I decided that getting back to my “life” was what I needed to be healthy again (I really just wanted my mom off my As I put myself in gear, the world slowed down again; I back and to stop worrying so damn much). So, I agreed to make was able to think. What just happened? I needed to good on my acceptance to the prestigious “School of The Arts.”
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 21 So, I got on that damn bus that spring morning. Raliek But none of what I know of home is present along this bus always said, “There is so much beauty beyond the hell that is ride. Just the aliens and their alien land and their alien ways. the Nineteenth Ward, Hasan”. My response was always the That’s all I see… I can’t believe I got on this damn bus. “Fuck same, “Why there (even though I didn’t really know where you Raliek; and fuck your bullshit hope and promise too.” there was; nor did it matter) and not here?” “Because we need an excuse to leave or no one would ever search for anything.” The bus finally arrived at the school. I stepped off the bus Raliek was always hopeful and filled with promise. Glass half and got a bearing on my location and which direction was full and shit like that. home. I watched all my so called “peers” scurry through the »entrance doors to homeroom with this arrogant stride of There’s a bridge that divides the Southwest from the South invincibility. I knew this shit wasn’t for me. I was lost here; my in Rochester. It’s the fastest way to my new school because you path was not the same as theirs. I weaved through them avoid the traffic of the business district. The bus I am on crosses unnoticed. No need to side step, move aside, or pardon myself it. I’m looking at the scenery and loathing my decision to take from their lanes. I was a shadow that didn’t mirror any of this stupid ass ride and to attend this fake ass school. them, making me easy to ignore. I didn’t exist here and it was effortless to walk off the grounds and begin my journey home. Crossing the bridge from the southwest side, everything starts to look a little better, which confuses me and, thus, After twenty minutes or so, I realized that somehow I had disgusts me. Graffiti turns to art and rundown shacks turn misjudged the landscape and found myself off course of the into homes. No boarded up windows, vacant lots, or busted direct route home. I miscalculated how far Goodman Avenue and broken traffic signs here. Just well manicured lawns and should take me, or was lost within my own thoughts at the gardens; trash cans within arm’s length of each other, and time and missed a turn. Either way, I found myself on streets on the street signs hang posters and flyers for yard sales, a I didn’t recognize from the ride earlier. Confident I could still music festival, and a lost dog that was found; not a gang navigate myself to my destination, I cut though some homes logo in sight. and found myself at a wood I thought I knew.
Get-the fuck out of here, I thought to myself. Someone When I came through it, I was face-to-face with the statue found a damn dog and posted flyers to find the owner too. of Fredrick Douglas that stands at the mouth of Highland Park, In my neighborhood we don’t look for shit. We are too busy adjacent to the Highland bowl. I gazed at his likeness and he ducking shit. Ducking bullets, ducking the police, ducking gazed back at me. Iron statues don’t stare, but this one was bill collectors; we don’t look for a god damn thing except looking at me. I admired this man. He was like me; he had a way out. We damn sure don’t give back shit we found that’s roots here like me. He understood how our America restricted worth keeping. Wow… unreal. and forbade us to find a place within its fabric so that we might find some sense of self worth on its soil. Here in this Then there are the families saying good bye in the morning. spot he gave one of the most famous speeches in American Mommies and daddies waving goodbye to their kids. Kids with History, to create opportunities for young African American bellies full of food and hearts full of love. They’re confident and men, like me. secure, ready to meet the challenges of the day. The watchful parental eye of mom and/or dad, observes until the children I looked around. Across the street and to the left, was the are passed to some other form of guardianship. hospital I was born in. Right next door was the school I was kicked out of in the second grade. I knew where I was but it That’s alien to me. I’m searching for the kids with gripes, seemed different than I had remembered it. I was in Highland complaints, hunger pains, and muted doubts about their Park on the South Avenue side. futures. The kids who are unsupervised while waiting for the bus and left unendorsed as they face the stereotypes, pity, There are many ways you can enter this park. Its design and revulsion of the world. The kids passed on to no one but and shape have it woven throughout several residential streets, the lies, deceit, and evils of the ghetto. The kids whose parents up and down hills, and then opening up to its full body in were captured by the slave ships named “Dead-end Job,” traditional oval and octagon fashion. It sets within the south “Drugs and Alcohol,” “Domestic Violence,” and/or “Not Giving side, more like the great lakes than a traditional urban park. a Fuck.” The kids who smile with fear, bleakness, disdain, No matter where you enter, the feeling is always the same; and despair. The kids like me. calm, serene, patient, polite, vast, and mysteriously soothing.
22 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Somehow I had forgotten its existence on the bus ride this to me the most. It also has this historical magnificence that morning. We only passed its Mt. Hope entrance. I started to cannot be overlooked. remember the lay-out to the Garden Center. Stone and brick to match the landscape of five different species of Louisiana Further along the trail I found the most well known attraction Irises that rest on both sides of the pathway. Brevicaulis, Fulva, of the park; the lilac fields. Like another world of its own, the Hexagona, Giganticaerulea, and Nelsonii. Colors of indigo, lilac fields offer clusters of lilac bushes full of every enlightening yellow, white, blue, and violet became vivid images in and uplifting color of purple imaginable. The lilacs are nestled my mind. in between rows of Wisteria Trees, giving them a regal like quality. They stand peacefully proud and modest in their Past the Garden Center the pathway continues. It was beauty. So composed in their elegance, that you will revere designed, I believe, to illustrate the road many slaves traveled but not fawn over them. to freedom (Rochester was a key route along the Underground Railroad). It is a path laid out. One that is sturdy and strong I was captivated and awestruck. I never knew something so and the trail ahead is clear. Little by little the brick and stone glorious and exquisite could be born of the same city housing fade into dirt. What was once an open space, free of worry the hell that is the Nineteenth Ward. This was foreign to me and doubt, soon becomes enclosed by tall trees that seem to but not alien. I knew that even though there were no gun shots, catch every ounce of light and steal it away. no police sirens, no cries from hungry babies, and screams from battered women, this was a part of me. In this calm, Through that path lies a small wooded forest. It is woven glorious, and beautiful place, I was home. parallel to a residential street and climbs and rises above the homes that settle along the avenue below. As the forest climbs As this new awareness blossomed within me, an old evil the hill, it widens. As it descends, it maintains its girth and within sprung out. That sinister sense of doubt and disbelief opens up to the home of the Highland Bowl. began to overcome my new joy. I was telling myself that this was bullshit. I looked around, not another me in sight. Yet Made of white chalky marble, faded by years of brutally cold everyone who passed me smiled and said hello. No dirty Lake Ontario winters, the bowl resembles the amphitheaters looks as if I was intruding upon their space; their world. of ancient Rome. It has long towering columns throughout its design, and inscriptions of poets, writers, orators, playwrights, Just like that night, so many thoughts came to me in an and musicians. The bowl offers bench seating directly in instant. My brain was overloaded and I could not process it all. front of it and inclined seating perfectly designed by Mother I had to get away, I knew that this beauty, just like Raliek’s, Nature herself. would come undone once I gathered myself. I could not suffer that again, so I retreated. I hadn’t traveled that path, but that’s where I was at that moment. I was standing in front of Brother Douglas’s statue, I hurried down the path somehow knowing my escape adjacent to the bowl. Home was no longer where I wanted route although I had never navigated this park this deeply to be, and I still was not sure if I would ever set foot in that god before. It became hard to breathe again. Everything was be - forsaken school. This place was known to me but unfamiliar. coming blurred, so I kept moving thinking I could escape it I decided to explore it and search for my own path here. if I just got out of there. I came to a fork in the path where the marigolds are and veered right feeling that it was the way out. I traveled south to Reservoir Street and turned left. The street is lined with trees of all different varieties. Flowering I am not exactly sure how the madness inside of me Dogwoods, Black Cherries, Red, Black, and Scarlet Oaks suppressed itself for me to stop. I am not sure what I saw first decorate the street leading up to the reservoir. On the left or what motivated me to pause and survey my surroundings. about five hundred feet up the block is the Lamberton What I do know is that where I stood after veering right on Conservatory. Directly across from that is the Gate House that fork was where God had wanted me to be right at that and the walkway around the reservoir. moment. I learned to believe that this is one of the great truths of my life. When I enter the walkway, I begin by entering the avenue of Japanese Crab Apple Trees. They are pink, green, and white I had found my escape but not the one I was looking for. in color. They have this way of standing but bending at the I didn’t know it, but I entered the Poets Garden. It was still; same time; as if they are welcoming you into the park. On the closed off to all the madness of outside world and the madness left is the reservoir itself. Its tranquil stillness is what stood out inside me. I walked in, although it felt like I drifted in at the time. I could neither speak nor think. All I could do was feel.
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 23 I looked around and became dizzy so I sat down. The Magnolia trees created a grove that separated me from every - thing except myself. There are Daffodil beds of trouble-free solace. Up ahead I saw the tulip gardens and watched as they swayed in the breeze. I waited for a chill to take over me but it didn’t come. Instead warmth poured into me. It followed every canal and channel within me until it had filled me up. Once it did, I began to weep for the first time in my life.
I tried to hold it back, but it was busting out of me. It scared me to cry like this because I had never done it before. All the coldness, doubt, despair, and pain of my life was forced to exit so something new could consume me. I felt Raliek’s love back inside me. I felt his beliefs of hope and promise become my hope and promise for the future.
I looked up and a woman was standing there. She was aged, white with this hippy- type aura to her. I was still crying, but was trying to stop. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this, espe - cially this weird looking white woman. But she walked over to me and handed me a pocket-sized pack of tissues. She didn’t say anything for a second as if she was unsure if she should speak. She stared at me in a nonjudgmental but curious way. Then she spoke: “I come here to cry all the time. You’re in the right place. Take care young man.”
I stayed there for a while releasing more emotion than I ever had in my life. As I walked home I had to cross the same bridge I did that morning on the bus. Riding across that bridge didn’t take me from the Southwest side of the city to the south side; it took me from hell to heaven. Now, I was walking back into hell but with a different stride than the one I left with this morning. For many of us on this side of town, Rochester was a city of death. It was ugly in so many ways. The park was a reminder that beauty in life is there if you are willing to explore the path that leads you to it.
24 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Thanks for Giving
Alexandra Silver
For me, a holiday isn’t about a religion. There are Jewish, Matt, Katherine, and especially Sofia, are the complete Christian, Catholic, Atheist, and several other categories to opposite. They love to talk, just like the rest of the family. Sofia place people in, but a religion is not what defines us. Holidays also loves to sing which is normally our entertainment. She are meant to bring families and friends together, not to dis - likes to be announced into the room and then she comes run - criminate, but instead to join as one. This is why Thanksgiving ning in like she’s a rock star performing on stage for thousands is my favorite holiday. I like that this holiday doesn’t require any of people. Her specialty is singing Beatles songs, and some - specific religion or view point on life. Instead, the purpose of times she likes to pick a “special guest” to come up and sign Thanksgiving is not only to appreciate life and each other, along with her. I love when they visit because Matt and I were but to show your gratitude and take the time to actually say very close when I was little, and although we grew apart and “thank you.” Food tastes better when I get to enjoy it with al he formed a family, I enjoy seeing him and spending as much of my loved ones in a happy environment. time with him as I can.
Every year we celebrate Thanksgiving at my house. My As soon as I see him, it brings me back to when I went to his sister, Michelle, comes home from Brooklyn. My crazy Aunt house with my friend Erica for a vacation. We had the time of Rose and my grandma live locally but always come over. My our lives, well at least as much fun as you can have at about cousin Matt, his wife Katherine, and their adorable three year twelve or thirteen. We went in his hot tub that changes differ - old daughter Sofia travel here from Connecticut. Matt’s ent colors, watched movies on his gigantic movie screen down - brother (also my cousin), Rob, and his wife Christine and two stairs, ate all different kinds of foods, and he even took me and kids Adam and Roxanne come from Monroe. Also, if any of Erica to Long Island to visit some friends. Even if he isn’t always our friends don’t have anywhere to go for the holiday, we invite very active in my life, my cousin Matt will always remain a big them as well. We are not often all in the same place at the part of my heart. same time, so it feels good to have an excuse to bring everyone together. As for the rest of my family, my sister and I usually kick back, relax, and amuse ourselves with everyone else’s conversations. The day always begins so hectic. I wake up to the sound We normally catch someone either bickering about something of a vacuum and the smell of the turkey cooking in the oven or talking about a topic completely unrelated to anything else, around ten in the morning. I quickly get ready. I shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, and then run around to make sure that my room is clean. After getting myself situated, I help with anything that needs to be done around the rest of the house, such as cooking and cleaning. Since my sister usually comes the night before, my grandma and Aunt Rose are always the first to arrive. Rob and his family are always next, with Chris - tine’s delicious onion pie. It never fails that my cousin Matt and his family are always the last to arrive. They never seem to show up for anything on time so we just learned to expect it.
Rob and his family are the quiet ones, except Christine, which is kind of ironic because my family is not quiet at all and Christine is the one who was married into the family. It’s not that Rob, Adam, and Roxanne are awkward, but they don’t necessarily initiate a conversation. However, if you were to begin a conversation with them, they would feel more comfortable and engage in the conversation. Everyone in their family is a big Beatles fan so that’s usually a good topic to start off with in order to catch their interest. Illustration By: Kevin Smith Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 25 Illustration By: Nicole McArthur 26 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 which always makes us laugh. My mom is always running even get along with my immediate family, and it was even around cooking, and usually my grandma is helping her. My harder when we had extended family come over. Thankfully, dad converses with his favorite person, also known as, in his I have grown a lot within the past few years, and finally have an words, “Whoever I’m talking to at that moment” (Gary Silver). even greater relationship with my family than I could have As for my Aunt Rose, she is usually sitting on the chair next to ever possibly imagined. Therefore, last year’s Thanksgiving was the couch drinking her once-a-year peach tree schnapps, not particularly special to me because it was the first time in a very really paying attention to or caring about the conversations long time where we were all together, felt comfortable, and got going on around her. along. I used to not even be able to sit in the same room with any of my family members (mom, dad, and sister) without Once everyone is together, the chaos simmers down. someone getting pissed off, that person usually being me. Everything is placed on the long table extending from the »Now, not only are we able to sit in the same room together, dining room to the living room, and the mixture of all the but we actually enjoy each other’s company. smells together immediately grabs everyone’s attention and lures us to the table to go sit down. For the most part, everyone When my dad was growing up, he said that he always had sits in the same spots or at least on the same sides of the table Thanksgiving at “my Uncle Howie’s” (Gary Silver), and “it was each year. My mom and dad always sit next to each other at only ok, not amazing, but Matt was there and he was my the end of the table, closest to the kitchen. I usually sit next to closest cousin so that made it better” (Gary Silver). My mom them, and my sister next to me. Rob, Matt, and their families celebrated her Thanksgivings at “my grandma Mary’s with a lot usually sit on the opposite side of the table. My Grandma and of family” (Diane Silver). I’m glad that we have Thanksgiving at Aunt Rose always sit at the end, and if we have any other our house every year, despite what the reason for it is. My dad guests, they sit on the same side as my family and I. says the reason we celebrate Thanksgiving at our house each year is because “we wanted to start a new tradition at our Staring at the turkey (my mom’s favorite), ham, stuffing home to spend with family” (Gary Silver), and of course the (my dad’s favorite), sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, joker in him adds “plus it really sucks to drive home with a belly cornbread, and so much more, I can barely resist the urge to full of turkey” (Gary Silver). My mom on the other hand says dig right in. After we are seated, my dad says a toast and thanks that we do it because “I love to entertain, cook, and have family everyone for coming, and usually adds a corny joke some - around me” (Diane Silver). Whatever the reasons may be, I’m where in between to get the laughter started. One of his most happy we get to celebrate such a great holiday at our house. repeated jokes involves claiming that the ridiculous amount of food on the table is only the appetizer and we are still waiting I wish Thanksgiving wasn’t just one day out of the year. on the main dishes to come out. Once the laughter starts in Every day should be spent with the people you love and care my family, it usually doesn’t stop. The drinks are tossed back about. Every day should be an opportunity to say “thank you” one by one, overflowing plates of food become empty and and not dwell on the negative, but instead appreciate the little the smiles continue throughout it all. things in life. Life should always feel as simple and pleasant as it does on this one day. No stereotype can be placed After dinner is done everyone claims they are so full that on»who is “allowed” to celebrate Thanksgiving, which makes there is no way they could possibly eat anymore, but once it that much more special to me. Although it shouldn’t take a the desserts are placed on the table, everyone’s mind quickly holiday to show gratitude or be appreciative, this one meal, changes. Between the cookies, coconut custard pie, and once a year, on the last Thursday of November, takes all of the pumpkin pie (my favorite), I feel like the twenty pounds I just separation out of my family and friends and brings us together, gained in one sitting was all worth it. Once dessert is finished, and for that, I am grateful. we normally can’t move very much or in other words, we enter a “food coma”, so we all just sit around the table and continue sharing stories and laughter until the sunny day turns into a dark chilly night and people begin to leave. WORK CITED My Dad says that his favorite Thanksgiving is always “the next one, because it’s always another great time with my Silver, Diane. Personal Interview. 20 March, 2012. family” (Gary Silver), however, last year was definitely the Silver, Gary. Personal Interview. 20 March, 2012. most memorable for me. For as long as I can remember, I always felt uncomfortable around my family. I didn’t necessarily feel like I belonged. It was hard for me to connect, relate, and
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 27 Illustration By: Jose Villar 28 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Webster Hall Circus Night: An Intentional Freak Show
Amanda Torres
CIRCUS will bring back the shows Webster Hall offers a contemporary freak show for people to see and, hopefully, enjoy. Thomson clearly states that “today It will bring back the feeling the notion of a freak show that displays the bodies of disabled It will bring back the magic people for profit and public entertainment is both repugnant and anachronistic” (58). The club charges a fee to every person who Is it all just fun and games? walks through the door to enjoy their entertainment for the night. Do you want to come and play? (“Circus”). In one room, without even seeing what was there, I had already figured it out with people in the room screaming “look at the midget!” When I was finally lucky enough to make my way through the crowd I saw a little man dressed up as Elvis Presley. Webster Hall in New York City is one of the oldest and most He had on a sharp white suit with glitter and gemstones on the popular night clubs of its kind. It contains five different rooms, collar and a wig that mimicked Elvis’ hairdo. He had on sunglasses and in each room the club plays different types of music. What and was dancing around the floor as if he was Elvis, but had just really makes this club unique are the events held on Saturday been reincarnated as a midget. Everyone laughed and pointed nights. These events welcome whoever dares to see them. The their fingers at this small man who was vigorously dancing. The particular event I will discuss is called “Circus Night” and is one of club has a “Las Vegas” like atmosphere with the idea of an adult the most popular. On this special night, there are different arrays playground and the Elvis impersonator. of performers to see, including midgets, transvestites, drag queens and strippers. They can all easily be labeled as “freaks.” The Club warns their attendees to “fasten your seat belts Leslie Fiedler says that “the true Freak challenges the conven - [because] it’s going to be a bumpy ride to the other side” tional boundaries… between reality and illusion, experience and (“Circus”). This leaves the reader in question as to what to expect fantasy, fact and myth” (qtd. in Tettenborn 51). This is exactly what for the night. The other side of what? Of the curtain? Maybe even all the performers do in Webster Hall. In comparison to other deeper than that, like the other side of normality, humanity, or circus shows, Webster Hall takes all the conventions of a circus one’s personality? Webster Hall pushes the limit to a circus show. show to a whole new level. People come out to see the show not Some people go as far to say that “performers sell their souls for only for their personal entertainment, but also to re-establish a the love of a good crowd” and that “the circus is mesmerizing, in sense of normality in themselves, when faced with others so part, because of the enormous risks performers take to achieve different or out-of-norm. This attraction offers to bring out a per - astounding physical feats” (“Circus Life”). The performers in son’s own freak and invite the child inside to come out and play Webster Hall definitely take risks. They turn themselves into freaks in an adult atmosphere every Saturday night to satisfy visitors, and some even make a mockery of their own personal lifestyle choices to entertain On Saturday nights in New York City, every adult has the others. One performer especially stood out in the midst of chance to experience a child-like feeling with a circus night the crowd. theme, but one that appeals to adult crowds. Being there o Saturday night will bring back the magic, like being a child As soon as I walked into the club I noticed a beautiful, tall again. The club’s website displays a short video and blog about individual. Her makeup was done perfectly, complementing what keeps viewers entertained. every contour and aspect of her face. Her skin was covered with
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 29 Illustration By: Erica Rushin 30 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 sheer perfection, both eyes coated with ocean blue eye shadow This man was the host of the circus night event. He was and just a hint of shimmer. Every eyelash touched with midnight clothed in a tight midnight black blazer covered in rhinestones, black mascara. Each cheek kissed with a rose blush and lips speedo like bottoms to match, fishnet stockings, knee length high drenched with gloss that could easily visually impair anyone who heel boots, and a hat with a silver trim and a red feather on the dared to stand close enough. She had on an exorbitant royal blue side. He grabbed the microphone from the dj booth, strutted his head dress with feathers and diamonds all along the front, pur - stuff to the middle of the stage and yelled out to all the audience posely placed in a pattern of perfection. Covering less than half “Welcome to Webster hall! Behind this curtain… witness some - of her body, she wore a lingerie outfit. Hiding the top half of her thing you’ve never seen before, heard before, dreamt before. Do body with minimum effort she modeled a corset that exquisitely you want to be wildly entertained? They say things aren’t always matched her skimpy bikini like bottoms. On her feet she honored as they seem to be. Even your greatest fantasies. You won’t believe a pair of Louboutins with sliver sparkles immersed all over the your eyes.” (“Circus”). All the lights went out, the music began to shoe. I was honestly blown away by her beauty and I forced my - blast through the speakers and the crowd went wild. At that exact self to work up the courage and ask her to take a picture with me. moment Webster Hall gave all its attendants the opportunity and I walked over and asked very politely if I could have the pleasure the option to find the freak inside themselves or confirm their of taking a picture with her, and with a genuine smile and a very normality. manly voice she replied “of course my lovely!” At that moment I was repulsed but mesmerized at the fact that this person, who Every aspect of the club, from the music to the show is com - I thought was a woman, was really a man. Even though I was pletely contagious. Not one person in the club seemed bored. extremely uncomfortable I stood up with my head high and They did not look as if they felt out of place. They all took in every smiled for the camera. Because of what society has taught us sight and gazed in awe. It reminded me of how children would be all I automatically labeled him as a freak. Thomson claims that “ at a Circus or how they would act if they had seen something like [a] freak show consequently created a “freak”, or “human curiosity,” this for the first time in their lives. The whole club was in a trance from an ordinary person who had a visible physical disability and moved rhythmically to every beat that boomed out of the or an otherwise atypical body by exaggerating the ostensible giant speaker boxes. difference and the perceived distance between the viewer and the showpiece on the platform” (62). Even though this man had nothing physically wrong with him, it was clear that this was a man dressed up as a woman. He “exaggerated the ostensible WORKS CITED difference” (62) which would make him a freak. Freaks challenge normality, and challenge what we know. In this case he was Tettenborn, Eva. “’Outside Of Or Beyond The Human’: challenging what society “knows” about the difference between Gunther Von Hagens’ Anatomy Exhibit ‘Korperwelten-Body men and women. This freak “simultaneously [testifies] to the Worlds’ As Contemporary Freak Show.” Atenea 25:1 (June 2005) physical and ideological normalcy of the spectator,” me, “and 49-60. Print. witnessed the implicit agreement assigning a coercive deviance Thomson, Rosemarie Garland. Extraordinary Bodies: Figuring to the spectacle” (62). Physical Disability in American Culture And Literature. New York: After the picture I roamed from room to room to see what Colombia University, 1997. Print. could even try to compare to what I had just experienced. All “Circus.” Webster Hall New York City | Nightclub | Concert Venue | over the club there were different sights to see. Every room had Event Space. 03 Nov. 2011. http://www.websterhall.com/ . Web. something awkward to effortlessly captivate my attention and I couldn’t help but stare. All these entertainers were, as Thomson “Circus Life.” Pbs.org . PBS. 3 Nov. 2011. claims, “deciphered according to the needs and desires of the
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 31 Illustration By: Jeffrey Saroka
Illustration By: Charlia Pritchett 32 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Frangelico
Danielle Trotta
Frangelico: A hazelnut and herb-flavored liquor which is caramel-colored and produced in Canale, Italy.
The lights are low like the sepia tone photograph in my back pocket. The drums and symbols speed up announcing the next act. I find my seat, the usual one at the edge of the stage peninsula. Front and center. I place my fedora on the red candle-lit table. Now seated in a haze of gray smoke, I order my drink, hear the saxophone call the attention of the audience. Announcing her entrance.
First sight is one of her sensual legs, slowly revealing a whole length of toned skin. Leaning forward in my seat I’m begging for more as her sultry sound starts whispering from behind the glossy red curtains. Spot lights hit center stage as she sweeps her long, lean form out from the crimson water fall for all eyes to feast upon. Her song is sweet and heavy, long and husky. Feathery, fluttering hands smooth her white bodice that flashes in the spot light like one thousand snapping cameras. Catching my eyes and making them cling to those wide sashaying hips. Her smile, a red bow of lusty fullness. That same smile moves up her roguish cheeks and spill out her eyes as she catches sight of me.
Her voice liquefying my joints as it grows heavier and those eyes bluer than any Venetian sea, harden me as she drinks in every thread and freckle of me. The piano and trumpets and drums are distant now. She is my siren singing me to her dark desires. Desires I have yet to taste. I sail away on her legato, her short intake of breath. As if swimming through smooth waters she come closer to me. It’s agonizing not to reach out and touch. Those legs and hips spangled with tassels and flashes. She is more dizzying and spellbinding than any frangelico or caster.
To play it cool I take my glass and swallow my drink which now tastes bland compared to this flavorful sight. Alas my own hand betrays me, she catches this and knows I am my own man no longer. Her smile slides further, blooming like a red-tipped white orchid. She is enchanting, and that quick bat of her thick lashes... That tantalizing wink! God, save me, she has pressed her fingers to her red, red lips, fanning them down and blowing me a promising, show stopping kiss.
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 33 Illustration By: Daniece Luckey 34 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Heads or Tails
Danielle Trotta
This coin held the rest of my life in it. One wrong flip and it’s My now free mouth is ragged with my adrenaline-filled all over. I’m not one to shake in fear or in anticipation. I’m not breathing. I look up at him, again composed. He snaps his one to call the shots, either. I guess that would explain how I fingers once, and the powerful last words I hear from his mouth got myself into this mess. If I had any brains at all I would never are, “Get her,” in his irritatingly calm voice. His smug grin is back. have signed on to this typhoon of a problem. I’d like to tell you that my problem is choosing a college, and with that choosing I turn around and start running into the darkened ware - a major, but it’s not. No, I’ve been kidnapped by none other house. Hard footsteps follow me from every angle. I’m too late than the O’ Reece gang. Just my luck, right? Who would have and a heavy bag is pulled over my head. Chloroform fills my thought that the notoriously brutal, savage, eccentric, and mouth and nostrils, and I can’t shake the spinning feeling in my downright mean O’ Reece gang would have come for me? head. I know it’s not just the bag that makes my world go black. I had just gotten off my plane when they charged at me, “Make sure she doesn’t get out of her bindings this time. scooped me up, and brought me to this, this...warehouse? If those chains so much as slip an inch from her shoulders, Anyway, it’s dark, it’s damp, and damn it they flipped that damn you’re going to be begging me to stop shooting you.” I hear coin to decide what they’re going to do with me. Kill me or Artemis, pacing back and forth before me, only he’s below me, make me join them is the wager, and since I didn’t make my not his usual towering height above me. His scowl is distorted choice a coin is going to decide it for me. Artemis, smug guy, by my dark hair, which I guess came undone while I was kick - maybe a few years older than me, is just sitting there staring ing ass. Getting a grip on my senses I blink and squint my eyes; into my eyes. His are a vivid, deep blue, while mine are a it’s bright, with the sun high in the sky, telling me that it’s nearly muddy green. Even his stupid eyes are laughing at me. Me, mid-day. Not only am I high up but I’m chained to a mast, on a with a damp gag between my teeth, wrists roped behind my mid-mast landing. The chains are heavy, hot from the sun and back. Roped, for god’s sake! I guess the other rumor I’ve heard tightly bruising, but nothing I can’t handle. Struggling, making about these guys is true, they’re modern day pirates. Great, just the chains clang against the mast, I shout down, “You think great, and pathetic. Not just them but me, I should never have these chains will hold me, Artemis?” I shake my hair from my allowed them to see me getting off that stupid plane. face to get a better look at his scowl.
Time slows down and that blasted coin is tossing and turning “I wouldn’t have set you up there if you’d just accept the in the dank air. Heads, I’ll lose mine. Tails, I join the crew, and terms we agreed to. Tails says you’re mine, Raye. Here’s an idea, suffer total lifelong embarrassment for my clan. I stare at the while you’re up there let that fact sink in. I’ve got big plans for coin as it tumbles toward the table. I shift a glance to the thugs you, big plans.” Smiling up at me like he’s already won, too on either side of me, their wicked faces all too delighted with smug for his own good. my current state. On my knees, desperate to live, NOT. “I don’t think I’ll be sticking around that long, but thanks I twist my torso in a quick motion that spins my knees out anyway.” I shrug, but the chains grow tighter. from under me. Extending my legs I knock the thugs down on all fours. Spinning forward once more I extend my legs and jab “I wouldn’t struggle so much if I were you. And if you did get my leather- and rubber-clad heels into the backs of their heads, free, well, take a look around babe. We’re out in the middle of smashing them into the cold, hard concrete floor. Artemis is the ocean. Where will you go? Who will help you? Face it, you’re on his feet in seconds, pure shock gleaming from his eyes. Hah! stuck with me. And what I’ve got waiting for you on that speck I smile smugly through the gag. Three more thugs come at out there, just you wait, Raye. It’s going to be good.” Ignoring his me from all sides. In five seconds I’ve got them out cold. The mocking laugh, I follow his out stretched arm and finger. My coin hits the table with a metallic thud. Artemis’ face has now eyes finally adjust to the light; I see it, there’s a speck just like he contorted into what one could only describe as the devil’s said. Where the hell is he taking me? Why? fury. His eyes like flaming blue fire balls. We look down at the coin. Tails. He continues to snicker as he leaves me to my thoughts. Whatever he has in store for me, it’s not going to happen.
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 35 Illustration By: Briana Degraw 36 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 He’s been after me since five years ago, when my talents were to appear on the distant speck, I start to make my way down, recognized by my clan for the first time. My stealth and agile constantly checking that there aren’t any more stragglers. fighting/defending techniques could not be matched. I was finally able to become the head of my clan, taking my father’s There are large metal boxes all over the deck, well secured. place. Trust me, those were some big shoes to fill. Fill them I I slip in between them, letting myself sink into the shadows. did, up until this clown started tracking me down, killing any The boxes aren’t labeled, but the O’ Reece gang crest is all and all of my kin who got in his way. I resigned from head of the over them. The wind picks up and I taste the salt in it. It curls clan and went rogue. I had avoided him for three years. Last and slightly whips up a tarp from one of the boxes. The symbol year was when he started to catch on to pattern I kept. Since on this box catches my eye, and it’s different from the rest. I then he’s always been a half step ahead of me...well a whole smoothly pull the tarp back down, mostly covering me. I stare step ahead of me now. I need a plan. Knowing now that he at the new symbol and it clicks. It’s my clan’s insignia, twin obviously wants me alive, he’ll probably come back for me at dragons with intertwined inner wings, circling each other. the end of the day. Why would my clan’s insignia be on one of these boxes? What are the O’ Reeses doing with one of my kin’s possessions? “How ‘bout some water, toots?” Leaning over my shoulder, What the hell is going on here? an older but still butch-y thug holds out a bottle of water to - Now I have no choice but to confront Artemis. I have to wards my mouth. Taking a hard, long swallow of the cool drink know why he has been chasing me for all these; why me at all? I turn my head to meet his brown gaze, “You know what’s going There are too many possibilities here, no point in assuming on here, guy? Am I a prisoner? Slave? Tool?” anything. I start planning my next move as I trace a finger over Shaking his head slowly I can see the sweat beading his my insignia. forehead, “The name is Miles, an’ you’re no prisoner, or slave, Only one option. That’s how I see it as I make my way to the that I know of. Th’ Boss has got a plan for ya on that island out captain’s quarters. The hallway is quiet and there is no sound there. Says you’ll be useful, an’ he won’t be getting any farther coming from the captain’s room. I try the door knob silently; in ‘is plan wit’out your help.” He shrugs looking out into the it’s unlocked. There he is, sitting at his desk as the door closes distance. behind me. “I knew you’d make it here sometime soon. Funny, “If I’m so important then shouldn’t I be, you know...” I struggle I’d have said much sooner. So, how did you break from your lightly against the chains, giving him the hint. “You could easily chains, my dear?” get on my good side, and not be killed later on if you give me a “As if a bunch of chains could stop me, Artemis.” I shrug off hand.” his question, looking him straight in the eyes. “Speak for yerself, miss. Maybe I’ll have your mercy, but if “Quite right. And no doubt you’ve seen some of my cargo the Boss finds out he’ll put me out instead.” Even though he crates out there.” was saying this he leaned in closer, in such a way that I could feel a slender key in his pants pocket. I snagged it out, gripping “Care to explain why I’m here, and what my clan’s insignia is it tightly in my hand. doing on one of your crates?”
“It’s Raye, by the way, Miles. I don’t do that miss thing. It’s He unfolds his hands on top of his desk, lifting one and ges - weird. And thanks, I’ll make sure you’re still breathing by the turing for me to sit down. This better not take long, “Sit, like end of this.” The chains slide down from my shoulders at the I’ve said it’s you that I need the most. We’re going on a little click of the lock opening. Chains pool at my feet, and I turn treasure hunt, you see. First what I need is the initial crest of quickly, catching the key in the hook of Miles’ jar, “But Miles, your clan. In it is a key that will unlock a vault containing your don’t you cross me.” family’s greatest secret. You know what that is, don’t you?”
“Gotcha, miss—Raye. I’m a man of my word.” He raised his I cross my arms high across my chest. There’s no way this free hand and stepped down to leave quickly before being guy could be looking for that. “You don’t know what you’re found out by any wanderers below. I watch him make it down, getting yourself into. The armor of my ancestor is not some - maybe twenty-five feet down, I calculate. I continue to follow thing to be hunting for. It is hidden and locked away for a him with my eyes as he makes his way to a door that looks reason.” like it leads down into a lower level of the ship. Taking one more look out at the ocean, where mountains are beginning “I know the reason, dear. But look at it this way, if I know where and how to find it, don’t you think there are other, worse
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 37 people who do too? This is your chance to hide it once more. it. He was drunk and found out his wife was sleeping with some You know the blood law of accessing the armor, you know how other man in the village, so he suited up and slaughtered to extract the key from the crest. You need to do this. I need everyone in rage. He later played it off like the armor really you to do this.” »was cursed. Thank god he died of choking on his own tongue. So you see now, why this whole thing is messed up. “And if I cross you?” I walk to what looks like the entrance to a cave. I know it’s “I have already planned for that. You will help me get the the place just by looking at the ground. The rock surface has armor, and you will try to run away, leaving me and my crew been scratched over during years of opening and closing. I tap stranded, but that won’t work. I’ve already calculated your every my foot on the bottom of the rock wall. The ground shudders possible move. I’ll even share with you some of the benefits of under my feet and the stone walls begins to slowing and grittily helping me. When I find the armor, you may share in the glory slide away into the rock cliff. The five crew members that came of my plan.” off the ship with Artemis and me are shocked, standing behind Now I’d had enough, this guy wasn’t going to let up. I sit me with eyes wide and mouths open. Once deep inside the forward, “I don’t care what you’ve got in store for the armor, cave, standing at our next obstacle, the fifteenth blockade, but what I do know is that you will regret it. When the day I place my amulet into a matching lock. The amulet spins comes that you really will need my help, I’ll just sit back and slowly in the stone surface, soon revealing hundreds of stone watch you burn.” cogs worked into the wall. I take my amulet as the great inner cave doors open, covering my eyes as a gust of air is sucked in He smiles, totally unaware of the consequences of using the from the opening. Only one more door and we’ll be at my armor, “No need to worry for my sake, I’ve got it all worked ancestor’s armor room. out.”He presses a button and in seconds one of his crew is at the door, ready for his orders. “Tom, fetch me and Miss Raye “Now, this is more like it. Excellent, Raye,” Artemis says as something to eat. I’m sure you’re starving,” he said as he turns we all walk into the armory. My ancestors made this place his attention back to me. more like a shrine than a prison for curses. There were stone tiles on the floor, and the walls and ceilings were all dug out “Famished,” I smile back with sarcastic charm. and squared. There was even light coming through some of the wall. Nearly livable and comfortable, this place. We get to the island the next morning. The sea is brisk, foul weather is coming. I catch Artemis watching me, knowing I stand back, leaving room for fate to take its course, full well he’ll be on me in seconds if I ditch the place. I hold “The armor is in the center wardrobe. Have at it, if you dare.” the medallion in my hand, squeezing it as I hold it closer to my face. I read the characters that are molded into it: To any “Leave it to you to get all dramatic on me.” Artemis opens Kugeka clan member that holds this, be warned, the fate to the the wardrobe, revealing the armor, glistening red. “It’s everything world is in your hands. Be strong, be smart, be stealthy. If my I thought it would be. Amazing how well it’s been preserved ancestors had any sense they never would have let this here.” He glides his hand over it, then calls to his crew mem - medallion exist. The legend is that my ancestor Miutou bers, “Yo, get over here and help me put this on! The world Kugeka was a ruthless warrior. He was a samurai who will be mine.” eventually, through example, converted my clan to ninja. “Idiot,” I breathe, and the crew lugs the armor onto him. Anyway, the legend goes that when he killed, it was in cold They back away, leaving space for the unknown when they’ve blood, not in honor. Grudges stuck and clung to his armor like finished. Then, as Artemis lolly-gags in front of a mirror, I take the blood of his prey. Soon many believed that it was the armor advantage of the crew, knocking their feet out from under that was cursed. Dumb I know, but back then people were them and knocking them out as I slam their heads to the floor. super-superstitious. After he died in yet another bloody battle, his armor was not worn until fifty years later, when someone “What the hell?!” Artemis spins around. “What do you think thought it’d be funny. He killed an entire village that night you’re doing?” He draws nearer to me, practically in range. without so much as a blink of guilt until the next day when he realized what he’d done. So my ancestors created this complex “Burn, you superstitious bastard,” I slam my fist into the wall way of hiding the armor, locking it away forever, sealing it with were a hidden switch had been placed, just for emergencies prayer seals. Later on my family discovered that the evil was like this one. Explosions start going off behind Artemis. The last not in the armor, it was in the dumb one who decided to wear I see of him is his face contorted into what could only be
38 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 known as pure shock. I scram for the armory door, just making it as another explosion goes off, blocking the armory shut. I continue up the way we came, growing closer to the light of the world outside. Rocks and pebbles and dirt skim over my legs, arms, and neck from behind me. More explosions until I’m running through a whole cloud of thick air-born dirt. I sprint and jump into the air, finally breathing in fresh air, as the air-born dirt catches up to me once more, covering my escape from the rest of the crew.
I toss my shoes off as I go through the door, and strip the rest on my way to the couch were my boyfriend is waiting, watching some kung fu flick, “You know I could do all that,” I plop down next to him on the deep brown suede couch, clad in only my pansies and bra.
“There’s a bunch of other things you know I’d prefer to see you do,” he glances my way unsurprised by my current state of near bareness. “Hard day at the ‘office’?” He wiggles his fingers in place of quotes, beginning to grin at our inside joke.
“Oh yea, same old, same old. Another competitor blown out of the water. Poosh,” I gesture an explosion with a lazy hand.
“That reminds me,” he says, taking my hand in his, “Your boss called, said she’s got another case for you. Something to do with secret intelligence from Tokyo.”
My grandmother, no doubt, was already tossing me the keys to a case with my cousin. “Go figure, just when I get back. You want to come along this time? I hear Japan’s good this season.”
“One, of course you know Japan’s good this time of year; you’ve lived there. And two, of course I’m coming with you this time! You’re going to need all the help you can get. Intelligence is my middle name.”
“Ok, genius! Pack your bags, we leave in the morning.”
He picked me up and tossed me over the shoulder. “Before that we’re going to clean you up.”
I spank him as we make our way to the bathroom. “You better be prepared, I’m feeling really dirty.” I giggle as he re - lieves me of the rest of my clothing and turns the hot water on. Yep, just another day in the life of me.
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 39 Illustration By: Caitlyn DeVito 40 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Man in the Mirror
Travis Wallace
Did you ever have a moment in your life when you made down and I sprawled, a defense tactic to avoid being taken a promise to yourself that one day you’d be great? I’m sure down to the floor, but Carlos decided to flip me over his body, everyone has that moment, hoping they can live up to certain and I landed on the left side of my neck. expectations or defy the odds stacked against them and live the life they want to live. See, I’m a simple man, not asking I was in intense pain, literally screaming in agony. I had no for much out of life, but I’m not happy with who I am. Every idea what happened, everything went by as fast as a Formula morning I wake up and I look in the mirror, seeing the man I One race, and when I came back to my senses, I slowly picked am, and at the same time I imagine who I want to be. The man myself up from the floor. I broke my collarbone, well, Carlos I imagine myself being is the man I want to see in the mirror. did, and my school, Mount St. Michael Academy was not I know I can be that man, but there are always obstacles having a wrestler in the 152 pound weight class bring home standing in my way. the gold. I went to the doctor after practice and was told it would take six weeks to recover, and my bone was close to This whole realization started when I was fourteen. I was a puncturing my lung when it popped. I had to quit the team freshman in high school, seeking knowledge and determined and stop doing track and field. to make my parents proud. They were investing a lot of money into my education, so I kind of felt obligated to do my best for After visiting the hospital, I went home. As soon as I walked them. Now I’m no psychiatrist, but it’s possible that having that into my house, I went straight to the bathroom and looked into mindset could cause some problems for a young kid in high the mirror. I saw a man with his left arm in a sling, and the spot school. If you’re not learning because you want to but for where my collarbone would be visible was gone. My collarbone someone else, you don’t get the same experience because it looked as if it had disappeared, and by the second, my hopes seems forced and not desired. of ever being a great amateur wrestler were disappearing as well. Disappointed, I shook my head and walked out of the Maybe that’s what started everything because I’m not going bathroom. to lie. I slacked off during my first year of high school. I was too busy trying to impress my family, friends, and teachers. They After that event, I was mad at myself. I didn’t get back into admired my personality, but my work suffered. I noticed other wrestling, which was a foolish mistake, but I was worried kids getting honors and receiving higher grades, and I asked about getting injured again and my mom told me not to even myself, “Why can’t I be like them?” I felt stupid, like a complete think about getting involved in any contact sport ever again. idiot. I lost most of my wrestling abilities and my motivation and determination to be the best. That was just my freshman year I decided at that point, maybe I should get myself involved of high school, so imagine that. However, not all hope was lost. in a sport because I wouldn’t have time to slack off on work My junior year became a very pivotal moment in my life. since that time would go to practice. I ended up joining the wrestling and track teams. Two of my older cousins were I became very involved in community service, joining my involved in amateur wrestling in their high school, and I school’s Campus Ministry team and Marist Youth team. I took wanted to train just as hard as them so I can be just as success - part in activities such as blood, clothing, and food drives, mid - ful as they were. Wrestling brought back my motivation, and night runs, and my favorite, helping rebuild houses in Ne I felt superhuman to the point that I was able to realize how Orleans, Louisiana for Katrina victims. I put more work into proud of myself I was. I was at my peak and I felt nothing was my service then I ever did in wrestling. I realized that I became going to stop this intense drive I had fueling me, but, of course, happy by making other people happy, so that’s all that mattered . I was wrong. Life at the time was grand, and I thought that nothing could go wrong, but I was mistaken again. It was two days before City Championships. I was going to wrestle in the 152 pound weight class and try to bring the gold Senior year, college acceptance time. My number one home for my team and school. I was at practice that day and choice, Marist College, was all I dreamt about. It had the major was sparring with my friend Carlos. So, Carlos went for a take I wanted, it had Campus Ministry, and it had one of the most
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 41 Illustration By: Samantha Fallick 42 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 beautiful campuses I’d ever seen in my entire life. I was so determined to get into this school, it was my only choice. However, I made one fatal mistake, well, besides choosing only one school.
My guidance counselor introduced me to HEOP, Higher Education Opportunity Program. This program would lower the standards of a school’s demand, like SAT scores, and it would lower tuition. The college with room and board cost about forty thousand dollars, so I wanted to save my mom money with financial aid and this program. This was my mistake. Out of the six hundred people who applied that year for HEOP, including me, only ten were chosen. Also, because I chose HEOP, I had to wait a year to apply for regular admission.
It was heartbreaking. I was so determined to get into this school and be the first grandson on both sides of my family to attend and graduate college. My dream was killed because of selective choice of a college. I didn’t want to accept the facts, I was angry, but more sad than ever. If I can describe the pain in a very specific way, I felt like someone cut my chest open with a sharp razor blade, took out my heart, and curb stomped it, American History X style.
I looked into the mirror one night after I got the unfortunate news from my dream school. I saw a broken man, bloodshot red eyes, rugged facial hair, with no hope or ambition left in him. The reflection was a disturbing sight because this was a new vision in front of me, and I never have or ever want to see it again. The man was staggering, possibly drunk. He was a mess. And then I realized that it was a reflection of me. I had to change the reflection as soon as possible.
So, I found a school with my major and rolling admission, SUNY Sullivan. I wasn’t too happy at first, but now I’m glad. After what I experienced, I feel that the only place I can go now is up, and continue to do my best. I wake up in the morn - ing now and see a man who is achieving his goals, smiling, happy, and will not stop until he reaches the top. I currently work two jobs, one at a radio station. I’m a full time student, I start working at the Bronx District Attorney’s office in June, and that’s not even my major.
I don’t ask or look for recognition, because all I care about is being happy. My family is proud of me, I’m about to graduate, and I will not let anything like before bring me down. I’m still going to apply to Marist, but getting accepted is not something I’m locked on anymore. The man in my mirror smiles because of what I’ve achieved.
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 43 Illustration By: James Ivory 44 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Dictator
Te’neshia Washington
You do not see the starving stares Skeletal fingers desperately reach, that line their faces. reach for a piece, a drop, a smell of Ravenous you feed, an animal Luxury. among men. Upon unfulfilled dreams they stand, Picking, pulling, ripping, biting And on empty stomachs they letting loose the beast underneath. watch. Beneath the pile left Gorging yourself on the bounty behind the grease, the before you, no care for the stains of death, slowly beating. parts you call scraps. Left Hearts of the ones behind, waste on the tip left for dead of your swollen tongue. beneath your feet. For your pleasure speaks loudly, drowning out the people stuck underneath.
Illustration By: Cory Radai Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 45 Illustration By: Stephanie Daley 46 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Mirror, Mirror
Te’neshia Washington
Laying here I wait. A tear, Wait to rise. a falling pearl of hope Untouched by the outside world. signals, my prince for my heart will Parted by this glass, point the way; a compass my tomb, my window. through the lies The taste still fresh on my of the vain. lips; burning venom No mirrors here through my veins. adorn the walls, just The apple of deceit vivid a reflection in its purest form, in my mind. radiating warmth through my Falling from my fingertips corpse. the lies of a peddler. The love in my heart, Sentenced to my cell of my sustenance, my endless slumber, I wait. Soul.
Illustration By: Ray Leybovich Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 47 Illustration By: Megan Murray 48 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Have the Boy Scouts of America Made a Good Choice?
Chris Williams
The Boy Scouts of America (BSA) is a not-for-profit organiza - Scouts, and either the very night that he was kicked out or a tion that has been teaching young males between the ages of couple days later, he called me upset because he had been 12-18 valuable life skills that they will be able to use throughout kicked out of his Venture Crew. This completely baffled me, their lives. The program was founded on February 8, 1910 by so I asked him if he happened to know why. He said that he William D. Boyce, after he had gotten lost in a “dense London wasn’t entirely sure if it was the entire reason, but he was told fog” the previous year. “A boy came to his aid and, after guiding that it was because he was gay. His response completely the man, refused a tip, explaining that as a Scout he would not shocked me. take a tip for doing a “good turn.” This gesture by an unknown Scout inspired a meeting with Robert Baden-Powell, the I am against this policy strictly because I have seen first-hand British founder of the Boy Scouts” (“Founders Information what being kicked out of Boy Scouts because you are openly Page”). Although this gesture makes the Boy Scouts of America gay does to somebody. I watched this friend become depressed sound very good in their morals and ideas, the BSA has after he was kicked out, and it saddened me that there was recently been deemed an anti-gay organization by many not much I could do to help him on this occasion. This policy places due to one of its policies. Currently, its policy is that in regards to gay members/leaders is, in a sense, the BSA’s openly gay/lesbian scouts and leaders are not allowed to par - version of the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy that was in place in ticipate in the organization. The exact wording of the policy is the military until two years ago, and belittles their high values as follows: “while the BSA does not proactively inquire about of honesty and integrity. While the Boy Scouts is right in stating the sexual orientation of employees, volunteers, or members, that sexuality is not one of the components in the program, we do not grant membership to individuals who are open or its “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy gives many scouts the idea that avowed homosexuals or who engage in behavior that would heterosexuality is the “normal” orientation for males. In addi - become a distraction to the mission of the BSA” (“Boy Scouts tion to this affect, many heterosexual men and boys openly of America Clarifies Membership Policy”). There is currently talk about their wives and girlfriends in scouting, thus bringing a large amount of controversy over whether this is right for the sexuality into the program of Boy Scouts” (Mechling). The Boy BSA to be including in their policies. Scouts’ statement about introducing sexuality can also be found on their website, in which it says that, “Scouting believes I personally disagree with this Scouting policy, and think same-sex attraction should be introduced and discussed that it is completely bogus. I was a Boy Scout myself and have outside of its program with parents, caregivers, or spiritual attained the rank of Eagle Scout, which is the highest rank that advisers, at the appropriate time and in the right setting.” you can achieve in Boy Scouts. I had a best friend who was (“Boy Scouts of America Clarifies Membership”). This is just openly gay and in a Venture Crew, a coed branch of Boy Scouts, the beginning of the way that Boy Scouts is defining this and he absolutely loved and enjoyed being a Boy/Venture policy today. Scout, especially the campouts and crew outings. He was openly gay in the Crew for at least five years prior to my meeting The Boy Scout Oath reads: “On my honor I will do my best him. About three or four years ago, he was kicked out of Boy to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law; To help other people at all times; To keep myself
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 49 Illustration By: Jennifer George 50 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight” Law, does not follow the Oath itself, I feel that I cannot truly say, (Laskey). This is one of the three main ideals that all Boy “On my honor, I will help other people at all times,” and actu - Scouts pledge to follow when they join a Boy Scout Troop. ally mean it. At the same time, I feel that I cannot repeat the five points of the Scout Law (“helpful, friendly, kind, courteous… In 1978, the national organization offered its first official, [and] cheerful), and actually be pledging myself fully to the if barely publicized, disavowal of homosexuality: Scout Law. The president and chief Scout executive notified the organization’s executive committee that the BSA does What would happen if anybody ever tried to challenge “not believe that homosexuality and leadership in the BSA on their anti-gay membership policy? Two years ago, Scouting are appropriate.” The following year, for the after they had been kicked out from being a scout or a leader, first time, the BSA insinuated sexual politics into the many gay members and their families did just that. This 1979 Handbook. Whereas the Handbook had previously challenge caused the BSA to begin a two-year-long review and associated “morally straight” (a phrase from the Scout examination of their gay member policy, in which an executive Oath) with respect for others, it now invoked hetero- committee sat in numerous deliberations in order to see if it sexuality: “When you live up to the trust of fatherhood could change the policy. The main reason for the BSA begin - your sex life will fit into God’s wonderful plan of ning this review was some board members asking that the creation.” (WHERE Have the Boy Scouts GONE?) policy be changed (Sullivan 20). “On July 17, 2012, the Boy Scouts of America announced that it was choosing to reaffirm This states how the Boy Scouts discrimination policy on gay its anti-gay policy, after its two-year long review, in which it scouts and members became public for the first time. determined that the ban was ‘absolutely the best policy’ for A second ideal that, upon joining a troop, every Boy Scout the Boy Scouts” (Lovesque). During the two-year review of the pledges to follow is the Scout Law. The Scout Law reads: “A policy, a petition to get a scout’s mother—who had been kicked scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, out for being gay—reinstated as a leader was signed by a large obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent” (Laskey). number of scouts and non-scouters alike, and brought to one In 1986, the BSA declared that avowed homosexuals did not of the national board meetings in which the board received pose any higher threat to the scouts than heterosexuals did, it, and a year later still held firm to its policy to exclude gay but still refused to allow gay members into the program, members. claiming that they posed a threat to the traditional family. Later It is not easy for a scout to obtain the rank of Eagle Scout. the same year, the Boy Scouts of America decided that being On average, only one in every ten scouts joins the ranks of gay not only conflicts with being ‘morally straight’ from the scouts who have achieved this highest rank in the organization. Scout Oath, but also with the eleventh point of cleanliness “To make it to Eagle, scouts must earn 21 merit badges and that is stated in the Scout Law (WHERE Have the Boy Scouts serve in a troop leadership role as well as plan and complete GONE?). It would appear that the Boy Scouts of America has a community service project. Traditionally, scouting’s highest also misinterpreted the eleventh point in the twelve points of rank has benefited college applicants and job seekers as a the Scout Law; “clean,” as it clearly declared in 1986. sign of a hard-working, goal-oriented character” (Patterson). In my personal opinion, not only has the BSA misinterpreted In addition to helping college applicants and job seekers, the a part from the Scout Oath and Law, but it also has contradicted rank of Eagle also grants scouts entering the military an auto - itself with the stance on allowing gay members to participate matic promotion upon entering. My father is an Eagle Scout, in the organization, through the means of some of the points and when he went into the Army, he was one level higher that are in both the Scout Oath and Law. The Scout Oath than the rest of his platoon. states that, “On my honor, I will help other people at all times,” Following the outcome of its review, the BSA national office and the Scout Law states that, “A scout is helpful, friendly, received multiple letters from scouts, parents, and leaders courteous, kind… [and] cheerful.” If the Boy Scouts of America alike, describing their disgust with the BSA’s decision to main - chooses to not allow gay members to participate in its pro - tain its anti-gay member policy. Some such letters are letters gram, then the organization itself is not following two of the from former Eagle Scouts. Becoming an Eagle Scout is one of three pledges that it has agreed to follow, because it is not the very few accomplishments that someone achieves that “helping other people at all times”, nor is it being “helpful, allows him to say ‘I am an Eagle Scout’ for the rest of his life. friendly, courteous, kind, … [or] cheerful” towards gay members. The letters that are coming to the Boy Scouts of America This also means that, due to the fact that the organization headquarters are from Eagle Scouts who are, in addition to itself, through which I have pledged to follow this Oath and
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 51 sending their letter of disgust, returning their Eagle Scout the Boy Scouts of America. “White House spokesman Shin In - award and badge. In one letter, Dr. Mark Varnum, states that, ouye said in a statement that Obama believes the Boy Scouts “as an Eagle Scout, I can’t stand by and watch an organization of America has helped to educate and build character in boys. that I care about act in a manner that is discriminatory. You’re ‘He also opposes discrimination in all forms, and as such taught in Boy Scouts to be on the side of those that are being opposes this policy that discriminates on basis of sexual bullied, not be on the side of the bully” (Lovesque). If it was not orientation’” (Leitsinger). for the facts that I am extremely proud that I am the second- generation in my family to attain the rank of Eagle Scout, proud I oppose any and all forms of discrimination, including of the amount of work and years that I put into attaining my BSA’s policy, just as President Barrack Obama does. Currently Eagle Award, and that I like the feeling of being able to say that many states are legalizing gay marriage, including New York, I am an Eagle Scout for the rest of my life with confidence Maine, and Washington, with the possibility of many more to and pride, I would be joining the number of Eagle Scouts who come, if not a proposed constitutional amendment legalizing have written letters to the national council and returned gay marriage. Just last year, the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” their badges. policy was repealed. With all of these gay rights movements going on, I personally hope that the Boy Scouts will reconsider Due to its policy on gay members, the Boy Scouts of America its policy on allowing gay members to serve in the organization is slowly starting to lose funding from its sponsors. and revoke it sometime in the near future.
United Parcel Service won’t be delivering any more money to the Boy Scouts of America until the group changes its anti-gay policy. UPS has been a major corporate donor to the Boy Scouts, donating hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years. But the corporate sponsorship will grind to a halt under the UPS Foundation’s non-discrimination policy. In a statement, UPS announced it would “cease all future funding to the Boy Scouts until gay Scouts and leaders are welcome within the organization.” (Cavaliere)
While I believe that not every company who supports the BSA needs to withdraw their funding, I honestly do not see the Boy Scouts of America’s policy on gay members changing until it realizes that unless the policy is changed, it will lose all their sponsors. Intel is another company that has donated money to the BSA and is now refusing to sponsor the BSA until its gay member policy is changed. This determination is based on a policy Intel has that is very similar to UPS’s policy. Prior to September 21, 2012, Intel had been one of the biggest sponsors of the BSA, having donated $700,000 back in 2010 (Ferraro). I see Intel and UPS as just the beginning of companies that will refuse to support the BSA anymore. However, the loss of these two companies will not immediately affect the Boy Scouts, as there are still many other big-name companies, like Verizon, that contribute thousands of dollars to the Boy Scouts of America annually.
Aside from the scouts, leaders, the families of scouts and leaders, and their sponsors, many other people disagree with the Boy Scouts of America on their policy to discriminate against gays. President Barrack Obama is one such person who opposes the ban on gays being allowed to participate in
52 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 WORKS CITED
“Boy Scouts of America Clarifies Membership Policy.” Lovesque, Brody. “Six Eagle Scouts Return Medals in Protest of Boy Scouts of America. N.p., 7 June 2012. Web. 14 Nov. 2012. Boy Scouts’ Anti-Gay Policy.” LGBTQNation. N.p., 31 July 2012.
“Founders Information Page.” Boy Scouts of America. N.p., 2012. Sullivan, Patrick. “Boy Scouts Unmoved on Gay Policies.” The Web. 14 Nov. 2012.
Laskey, E., ed. The Boy Scout Handbook . 12th ed. Irving: Boy WHERE Have the Boy Scouts GONE? N.p., 31 May 2011. Web. 15 Scouts of America, 2010. Print. Nov. 2012.
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 53 54 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Sullivan Honors Annual Writers’ Competition
2012 WINNERS
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 55 Sullivan Honors Annual Writers’ Competition
Overview: Each spring, SUNY Sullivan’s Honors Program sponsors a writers’ competition open to any student enrolled at the College during the current academic year. Student writing is accepted in three categories:
Category 1: Poetry (portfolio of 3-6 poems) Category 2: Fiction and Creative Nonfiction (personal narrative and other forms of expressive essay writing) Category 3: Academic (Researched) writing in all areas
Students may submit in all three categories, but are allowed only one submission per category.
Selection Process: A panel of three professors conducts a blind review of (in other words, author identities are withheld) and ranks the submissions for each category. Judges for the 2012 competition were:
Category 1: Lisa Caloro, Timothy Russell, and Lyon Kressner Category 2: Lynne Crockett, Lisa Lindquist, and Anne Ruszkiewicz Category 3: Gabriel Rikard, Richard Arnold, and Beverly Moore
Rankings are tabulated and averaged by the Honors Program Coordinator to determine the outstanding submission in each category.
Prizes: Students who submit the winning text in a category receive $100 and a Certificate of Recognition, which are awarded during the annual Spring Symposium.
56 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 Dreams > Reality
Samantha Ramos
1
15 SECONDS
I’m so tired, so so tired My sheets are soft on my skin, supple on my face My body sinks deep into the mattress like its 1912, icebergs floating at the edge. The rain beats down on the ocean as cats and monkeys and flowers appear faces ripple through the currents faces I don’t know, but faces my mind has become acquainted with. I’m running through a long hallway feeling the hair on my neck raise and crawl and itch. I need to get away from whoever is chasing me now, now, now. The air is thick, hot and vile it is as if it has been replaced with Jello sirens drone out the screams, cries and barks the flames, greedy and hungry tears roll down my face, hot and angry like the fire burning through my house. My body lays still in a field filled with flowers, sweet, luscious, fragrant. I hear someone, someone familiar, wake up, they say I lift my head towards the sun it’s brightness invading my corneas. Wake up, they say again. I lay back down, in order to wake up I must go to sleep, my eyes shut tight my fingers brush over the last fleeting blade of grass.
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 57 CHESIRE AND THE QUEEN
It doesn’t seem like it’s been so long — years have passed, but it feels like days. My words still echo through these halls as I condemned my heart. The world still spins, my roses still white, the grass is still trimmed, my crown, still fits. Flirtatious glances, looks of longing; There you were, with an ace for a heart. I wish I was dealt a new card, the deck you came from must have been rotten. My heart strings are pulled and ranked and torn memories of what was and what no longer is. Your broad shoulders and tall frame shrunk into a feline shell, That mouth, stretched from ear to ear — images that haunt me forever. Your voice fills the cracks of this dusty old castle, mocking me as I sleep. I loved you, I did but you did the one thing I couldn’t accept, you painted the roses red.
HATRED
It started by coating my heart with a thin layer of dirt and grime it made its way to my lungs, to my arms, my feet, dropping coal in my marrow, it stretched through my body worked its way into the deep crevices of my bones through the cells of my blood, into the nooks of my brain it devoured me, whole it ripped through my soul, feeding on my spirit, scouring my flesh, weakening my muscles and tendons, it ravaged through the depths of my dreams, leaving me like an empty well, hollow, dry, forgotten it left me with nothing, nothing but itself.
58 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 THE FAIREST
Why are you breaking? It is because I’m tall and fat It is because I have big feet and big hands, It is because I am big-boned and short-tempered It is because I have no confidence or poise Is that why you’re breaking? Do I smell, do I scare away little children Am I too loud, do I need to hide then Tell me how I should look, tell me how I should feel Tell me what to do, tell me what to conceal Please, oh please, why are you breaking? I feel awful, I feel needy and unwanted I feel sunken and old, I feel disgusting and forgotten I think I know why you’re breaking It is because I stare at you all day long It is because you stare back, loathing me It is because of you or someone else Tell me mirror, is it because of me?
WANDERLUST
The road calls me like a of beacon of light the craving to move tugs at my soul, I hold back, fighting with all of my might. I need to see the world, my passion is so bright What holds me back? blood and flesh and smiles Tears and sad faces as I turn away, I can’t bear the sight. But I must go, the country calls me like it’s a birth-right I want to marvel and be stunned, I want to bathe in deep rivers, in shallow oceans, in the afternoon light. I want to travel this sphere and see every inch of its grand delights every crevice and cave, I want to walk across the great wall, I want to swim with dolphins at midnight. Seven beckon me forward, I follow without plight Some are ancient and broken, gladiators of time others have less fortunate stories, but still stand and fight. I know not where the lust will take me, I prefer no sight the world calls my name and I don’t go deaf this is what I’m meant to do, my beating heat confirms it I listen to the sound and follow the beacon of light.
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 59 Illustration By: Gabriel Vazquez 60 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 it looked horrid! By the time I reached my hairstylist, I was in tears. That was enough for me; from that moment on, I began Coming of Age to visit the salon for the full color and cut treatments. Eventually, I was on what I referred to as the six-week plan; I . . . Again could go no more than a month and a half between salon visits because stretching into a seventh week between dye jobs meant that my grey roots would crown my head like a halo. Cindy Roe Over time, though, the whole process began to get a little, well, I’ve always been amazed at how fast time goes by. I old; I was tired of the whole routine and was itching for some remember as a kid how summer vacation felt; that first day, it kind of change. seemed as though school was so far away, because I was free! Looking back on it, this episode could have been a mild Free from the mindless routine of getting up too early and mid-life crisis for me. When men have a mid-life crisis, they buy drudging through each day for what seemed like an eternity. toys: a fast two-seater sports car or a motorcycle, for instance. Summer seemed endless; and then BAM, like turning around Women, on the other hand, buy beauty. Since I’ve never been a quickly and being hit with an opening door in the face, it was good enough patient to ever consider the various forms of Labor Day, and school was starting again. My youth flew by in plastic surgery that are marketed to my segment of society, the same fashion; I blinked, and suddenly I was no longer that making the choice to change my hair made perfect sense. I slim, blond, twenty-something that can be found in the family was pretty curious about what my hair really looked like, too. I pictures. I remember the day I turned thirty-five. That was a didn’t know what to expect; if it would grow out into a platinum milestone for me because throughout my kid-dom and teen blondish grey or more of a silvery grey. The growing out process years, the subject of what life would be like in the year 2000 took a lot longer than I anticipated as well. Having kept my often came up in school. While listening to my teachers predict hair short for quite a number of years, I was expecting the internet banking and cell phones, I quickly did the math to transition to take only a couple of months. I was surprised to calculate what my age would be at the dawn of the new still see some of my old blond color hanging on after my third century. Now it’s twelve years later, and thirty-five is just a sweet dye-free haircut. In all, it actually took about eight months for it memory of a more youthful time. to fully grow out, and I’m happy with my natural silvery grey In all honesty, this new phase of my life, or that which is hair that is sprinkled with black undertones. more commonly known as middle age, is both exciting and The second factor that influenced my decision was the intimidating. As a way of honoring who I am as I enter into simple fact that I knew sooner or later I would stop anyway. I what my Wiccan friend Lisa calls “cronehood,” I made the have long held the notion that I would not be the eighty- decision to stop coloring my hair. There were three factors something with the blatantly fake hair. I have always felt a involved in reaching this decision. Firstly, I was tired of coloring sense of pity for women like that because their hair color my hair and anxious for a change. Plus, I knew that sooner or doesn’t match their complexion.I see these attempts to cling to later I would have to stop coloring it anyway. And lastly, I was youth as contrived. My main question was, how would I know becoming more and more offended at the media’s sentiment when the time was right? Would I have some sort of prophetic that aging naturally is wrong and unattractive. Ultimately, this vision, with the archangel of Miss Clairol secretly speaking to decision is highly symbolic for me in that it’s my personal me, saying “honey, it’s about time to give it up”? I remember a statement of acceptance of who I am, inside and out, and that I conversation my friend Leslie and I had about this, when I half- am ready to embrace middle age. jokingly asked her what her thoughts were about the subject; I started getting grey hair early in life; I was seventeen or she said that it was something that just happens, like eighteen when the first ones appeared, and I was completely menopause or grandchildren, and not to worry about my hair, mortified! At first I thought they were just a fluke, as I plucked at least not until the other two happen (Gerson). the rebels out in earnest, but the color change continued to The subject of hair coloring would also come up at work. slowly establish itself. Eventually, I began to use the drugstore Most of us in the small close-knit group of women in our office hair color as a way to cover the grey. That continued for quite a all went to the same hairstylist, and we freely traded few years, until I made a mistake during my home color compliments on one another’s hair.We would often peruse routine that resulted in a dip-dye effect; my hair color was hairstyle magazines together over lunch, especially when one lighter blond on top and a darker blond towards the ends, and of us wanted a new ‘do. Carolyn, the owner of the company,
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 61 Illustration By: Michael Sanders 62 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 was about twelve years or so older than me. When I first met her, she was in her mid-forties, and sported a short, spiky, salt and pepper colored hairstyle. She used her eclectic fashion sense impeccably; whether she dressed for corporate meetings or her grandkids’ soccer games, hers was a style of chic sophistication. I know of no other woman who could pull off wearing Carolyn’s hairstyle; the super-short cut was not something that most women would choose for a style, let alone ignoring the grey that for most would signify growing older. But for Carolyn, this was a hairstyle that complimented her urbanista trendiness; the darker coloring peppered throughout highlighted the silvery brightness of her natural grey, and the contrast worked for her beautifully.
Carolyn would tell me that she never wanted to cover the grey in her hair. I could understand why; she was completely comfortable with who she was. She exuded confidence and composure in a truly ladylike fashion, and the more I got to know her, the more I liked and admired her. To me, Carolyn Illustration By: Jeffrey Castro epitomized the self-esteem and confidence that I strived to achieve, and her influence helped to inch me closer to my own from fighting against nature and its effects on my body to self–acceptance and the confidence that I needed in order to denouncing the notion that I somehow wasn’t good enough quit the hair dye routine when the time was right. just the way I am. Like the prisoners in Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave” who were freed from their shackles and ascended to the The last reason that led me to forgo hair color was my light of knowledge and truth, I, too, have embraced the truth of disdain for the way the media portrays womanhood. The who I am, free from the chains of feminine ideals that are the media is very influential in how women perceive themselves. brainchild of some male advertising executives (Plato 1358). Magazines, movies, television, and commercials all suggest that, in order to be an attractive woman, we must be thin, Entering middle adulthood feels like I’m coming of age all beautiful, and young. We are bombarded with images of pencil over again, but this time I’m a little wiser for the wear. The thin girls who show us how to wear the right clothes, the breakouts and breakups are now the issues of my kids, and the perfect makeup, and the shiniest color-rich hair, so that we, too, pressure that I feel these days isn’t from overbearing peers but may be considered pretty. We are told what we should and from an overactive bladder. Crashing at a friend’s house after shouldn’t eat in order to fit into the clothes, have the glowing an all-nighter has given way to crashing on the couch before skin that won’t be perfect without the makeup, and style our Final Jeopardy . I’ve learned the truth behind the old adage that hair so that we fit this mold of modern beauty. Being a female says the older you are the faster time goes. I’m not my entire life, I ate this up; after all, if millions of other girls complaining, though; what I’ve lost in physical stamina I’ve could do this, I had to be able to also. But when I struggled with made up for in strength of spirit and character. Sure it took me my weight, breakouts of acne, and the latest makeup over forty years to get to where I am, but it’s been an interesting techniques, I deemed myself a failure because I couldn’t attain trip so far. I have learned the valuable life lesson of self- these impossible standards. Throughout my teens and youth I acceptance. I go forth as a woman released from self-imposed constantly vowed to try harder, as if effort was the only thing bondage to the false ideals of youth and beauty to embrace between me the image of perfection that had invaded my the silver-haired crone within. insecure head.
The last straw for me was my hair; I decided to take a stand WORKS CITED for who I am and refused to be held prisoner by this façade of womanhood any longer. I decided to stop focusing on my Gerson, Leslie. Personal interview. Summer 2009. weight so diligently, because that was something that I knew would resolve itself; all I had to do was eat the balanced diet Plato. “The Allegory of the Cave.” Legacies. Eds. Jan Zlotnik that I had forgotten about. No, I would instead shift my focus Schmidt, Lynne Crockett, Carley Bogarad. Boston: Wadsworth Cengage Learning, 2009. 1357-1360. Print.
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 63 Rainbow is the New Black
Liza MacEntee
Decades after the abolition of slavery, the fight for woman’s oppositions existing among politicians and then infiltrating our suffrage, and the Civil Rights Movement, one would think that laws, negative repercussions run rampant. Our government is society could take a not so subtle hint and learn something inadvertently condoning violence and bullying by telling society valuable from history; instead, the United States is still fighting a that being gay is wrong. Bullying and hate crimes account for an war against bigotry and inequality. Same-sex couples are legally astonishing number of deaths and injuries each year. Suicide is a denied the right to marry in the majority of this country because frequent result of sexuality-based bullying and according to the it has not been legalized across the board; this is a slap in the face FBI, over 1,600 hate crimes related to sexuality-based to the Constitution. We are denying countless people their basic discrimination occurred in 2008. This number is on the rise. civil rights, not because they are a threat to society, or because they are violent offenders; we are denying them their rights based The reasons for opposing gay marriage are not in short supply; on whom they are attracted to. Society needs to recognize that however, not a single one makes any legal, moral, or dare I say, you do not have to be gay for this issue to affect you. Anyone who religious sense. Despite this fact, politicians continue to feed into embraces the right to freely practice his or her own religion, the arguments that taint both their morality and perceived receive a fair trial, or not be discriminated against based on height intelligence. The most popular argument ever made to better take notice. If we can so recklessly take away the rights of condemn gay marriage is that of religion. Keeping my feelings one group, then none of us are safe. The hypocrisy that is being about the validity of religion aside, using it to outlaw same-sex condoned by state and federal governments is staggering. We live marriage is inconsistent and lacks even a shred of sense. The in a progressive society, so why don’t our laws reflect that? Bible prohibits homosexuality (at least the current versions which have been rewritten and translated a hundred times over) and as Currently in the United States, only six states (and the District a result, our government refuses to condone it or encourage it. of Columbia) will give marriage licenses to same-sex couples. The first problem with this argument is a legal one (the aspect Twenty-four states officially ban same-sex marriage, and the that our government should be concerned with). This country is remaining states teeter between the two extremes, sometimes mandated to uphold the separation of church and state that has offering minor benefits or permitting limited civil unions. been guaranteed to us by the Constitution; if it doesn’t then those However, in the states that strictly prohibit gay marriage, who are currently allowed to preach the word of the Bible (or the recognizing a same-sex union performed elsewhere is also illegal Koran, or the Torah) may be doing so on borrowed time. Without (Goodnough 2012). This means that a gay couple legally married the separation of church and state, the concept of religious in Massachusetts cannot move to Texas and still be recognized as freedom that this country prides itself on cannot remain a sturdy a married couple. Despite the fact that a few states allow same- foundation to our values. Unless religious texts are completely sex couples to marry, real justice is not being served even in those disregarded when establishing government policies, some group, states. In order for gay couples to receive the same medical, legal, somewhere, will be stripped of its rights. In addition to the fact and tax benefits as straight couples, same-sex marriage must be that the Bible has no place in our government, those who preach legalized on a federal level, something our government has its literal and absolute law are not only unreasonable, but often cowered from for decades. hypocrites. The same book that condemns homosexuality also glorifies slavery and prohibits haircuts, eating shellfish, and According to Gary J. Gates of the U CLA Williams Institute: “An coming in contact with women who are menstruating. Our laws estimated 3.5% of adults in the United States identify as lesbian, do not reflect a single one of these commandments; therefore, gay, or bisexual and an estimated 0.3% of adults are transgender” what right do we have pass laws in regard to homosexuality on (“How Many People Are Lesbian, Gay , Bisexual and the basis of the Bible? We don’t. Being selective with which rules Transgender?”). From this four percen t of the population, we enforce invalidates the Bible, only another reason why it federally legalizing gay marriage woul d produce billions of dollars doesn’t belong in politics. for the wedding industry, giving a not-so-small boost to our failing economy, according to Forbes magazine. However, with
64 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 A second opposition that frequently arises is the issue of it is not homosexuality itself that generates depression, anxiety, procreation. Natural law theory is an ethical theory stating that and suicide, but the negative outside forces that result from it. what is natural is good, and what is unnatural is bad (“The Natural Scientific studies have also shown that homosexuality is inherent Law Tradition in Ethics”). Proponents of this theory are often and cannot be taught. Unbelievably though, a staggering opposed to homosexuality because they believe that any sexual number of people still reject these facts. I must ask such contact that cannot produce children is considered unnatural individuals to think back to when they decided on their sexuality, and therefore wrong. It should be noted that proper sanitation because I’m willing to bet that they did not decide, that they did and medicine are not natural, but most would agree that they are not while away the hours weighing the pros and cons of which generally good for a society. As for the issue of same-sex marriage, sex they should choose to be attracted to. Should that be the though, infertile couples have marital rights, as do those who are case, the validity of the learned homosexuality argument too old to reproduce; clearly the inability to produce children has certainly just suffered a blow. no bearing on the laws that apply to heterosexuals. Until both of these parties are denied the right to marry, and birth control, For each one of these oppositions, there is a reasonable, condoms, and other forms of contraception are outlawed, this intelligent, and moral counter argument. For this reason, there is argument should be allowed nowhere near the legal system. only one proposed solution: legalize gay marriage nationwide. Many people like to believe that we have in fact come a long way Many people argue that gay marriage undermines the sanctity since the start of the gay rights movement; we have, but not nearly of marriage; yet, with a 50% divorce rate among the heterosexual far enough. For religious, social, and underdeveloped scientific population, this is a hard argument to defend (Heide 2007). reasons, homosexuality has been viewed as an evil in society long Marriage is a legal contract, sanctity is not a legally mandated part before the dawn of the 21st century. For decades, being gay was of the package, if it was, shotgun weddings in Vegas chapels viewed as a mental disease rather than natural sexuality. In 1984, wouldn’t be a legal and common practice. Should same-sex homosexuality was finally removed from the Diagnostic and marriage be legalized nationwide, one thing will happen: gay Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for good; this was a step in people will get married. Churches will not spontaneously the right direction (“Homosexuality and Mental Health”). Prior to combust, the economy will not collapse, our children will not be this, however, being gay in Nazi Germany during World War II indoctrinated by morally corrupt devil worshippers, and the resulted in a trip to the gas chambers alongside the Jews, Gypsies, alleged sanctity of marriage will remain as intact as it is now. handicapped, and any other persons deemed unfit to live. In the United States, being openly homosexual may not have meant a Of course we mustn’t forget the absurd “slippery slope” trip to the gas chamber, but it could certainly mean argument. Bigoted politicians notoriously claim that if we allow imprisonment, beatings (often by on-duty police officers), or a gays to marry, then we have to allow people to marry corpses, lynching. It could’ve meant (and still means) being denied job children, animals, and their toasters if they so desire. Marriage is a opportunities and housing, or public torment and discrimination. legal contract entered into by two living, conscious, consenting, While many states have technically adopted laws forbidding job, human, adults. To even suggest that the next logical step after housing, and service discrimination based on sexuality, these legalizing same-sex marriage would be necrophilia, pedophilia, issues are still prominent even today. Prior to 1977, no openly gay bestiality, or giving spousal health insurance to a kitchen man had ever held political office, then for the first time in the appliance is embarrassing. The idiocy of this concept needs little history of the U.S., an openly gay man, Harvey Milk, was elected as elaboration. a supervisor of San Francisco and was credited with inspiring A final overused and invalidated opposition to the legalization much of the modern gay rights movement. In 2004, of gay marriage is the negative impact it can have on children. As Massachusetts became the first state in the U.S. to legalize gay if abusive, alcohol and drug addicted heterosexual parents marriage, and in September of 2011, “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell,” a law weren’t already bad enough, who knew that two loving dads banning gays from openly serving in the military was repealed. could bring a child complete misery, robbing them of total Other strides were made for the gay rights movement in June happiness and success? I sure didn’t. Homosexuality is 2008 when California legalized gay marriage; however, this victory considered a high risk lifestyle coinciding with a high rate of was short-lived due to the passage of Proposition 8, once again suicide and mental health problems like depression and anxiety. I banning same-sex couples from obtaining marriage licenses. don’t know about the rest of you, but if a large chunk of society Legal battles for equality are fought throughout the country hated me for something I couldn’t help, if I was constantly everyday, but the advances are slow, small, and often set back. harassed, or if I was denied equal opportunities, I might be The fact is if we are to remain a morally consistent society, gay depressed too. People often fail to account for the likelihood that marriage must be legalized. If not, by targeting one group of
Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 65 entirely harmless individuals, everyone is open to the same kind rights of everyone if our morality is to be consistent. Therefore, of blatant prejudice. Homosexuals are required to pay taxes and not only must the opposition to gay marriage end, but the work, and they are expected to follow the same laws as the rest of complacency and lack of opinion on the matter must end as well. us, even when those laws don’t protect them. The government finally saw through this fog of bigotry with racial inequality; we My attack of this issue has been a long time coming, the must expect the same of them now. In The Life You Can Save, catalyst being the 2010 suicide of my very close friend, Ray. Ray Peter Singer discusses the reasons many people do not give to and I costarred with each other in countless performances over charity, one reason being the issue of the identifiable victim: “One the years. We exchanged writing, shared classes, and he kept me group of people was told that a single child needed lifesaving doubled over in laughter on a constant basis. He was smart, kind, medical treatment that costs $300,000.00. A second group was and talented, pursuing a career in culinary arts at Johnson and told that eight children would die unless they were given Wales University. Prejudice, bullying, inequality, and harassment treatment that could be provided for all of them at a total cost of on the basis of nothing more than his sexuality left him in such $300,000. Again, those told about the single child gave more.” misery that he hung himself in his college dorm room. Attending Society doesn’t think twice about supporting gay rights until a the funeral of a twenty-year-old friend, whose death was so easily single major event takes place. Matthew Sheppard was a young preventable, is not an experience I ever wish to have again. college student who was brutally murdered because he was gay. I’ve had enough. Enough of prejudices dripping in hatred and Two men tied him to a fence, beat him, pistol whipped him, and ignorance. Enough of society standing by while the rights of left him to die. His murderers were not born homophobic, just as certain individuals are attacked. And enough of opposing no one is born a racist. Hatred is a thing that must be taught and arguments that lack an ounce of logic, reason, intelligence, or instilled in a person at a young and impressionable age. Hate decency. This country is obligated to stand up for the rights of its breeds hate and this pattern can only continue if we don’t end citizens, especially if it has the audacity, nerve, and arrogance to this discrimination. Matthew Sheppard’s story made national tell the rest of the world that the United States is the greatest news and brought attention to hate crimes; suddenly, people country there is. If it doesn’t do so, patriotism may be on its way began to care. While his story is heartbreaking and tragic, it is out. As previously noted, science does not support oppositions certainly not one of a kind. The suicide rate among gay teenagers raised, nor does religion have a place in this argument (even if its is astronomical because of the bullying and harassment that they points were mildly consistent). The economy could only benefit face, and thousands of hate crimes occur every year, yet those from the legalization of same-sex marriage and the same is true masses get little to no attention. When people realize that a son, a for children. More marriages that cannot produce children neighbor, a teacher, a boss, or someone else they’ve always taken means an increase in adoption, and with thousands of children in a liking to is gay, apathy often evaporates. People who truly seek need of homes in the United States alone, this results in more goodness and morality in their lives cannot stand idly by until a children growing up with a family (surely a child with gay parents given issue suddenly impacts them on a personal level, not unless is at the very least, better off than one with no parents at all). they wish to have their hardships ignored should the tables ever There is every reason to legalize gay marriage and not one sound turn. Immanuel Kant’s categorical imperative touches nicely on reason not to. Our government is supposed to be one of this issue. For Kant, one should only behave in a way that they intelligence and reason; it does not turn to scripture or invalidated wish their behavior were universal law for everyone. In other claims when making decisions about the economy, nor should it words, unless we feel everyone else should do something, we do so when making decisions about legal contracts. As I have should not do it either. Does the straight community want to be stated once before in my essay A Fight For Equality : “According to stripped of their marital rights? My guess is no. Therefore, what Petter Bockman of the Norwegian Natural History Museum: right do we have to strip the gay community of their rights? In ‘Homosexuality exists in over 1,500 species.’ Homophobia exists accordance with rights theory, we cannot. Rights theory is an in only one.” There is only one plausible solution to such an issue, ethical theory that states we have certain indisputable rights as and therefore only one solution that I propose: the government human beings, and that not awarding these rights to everyone must stop backing down from a worthy fight and legalize same- equally, is morally reprehensible. Article 1 of the Universal sex marriage on a federal level. Until then, we cannot consider Declaration of Human Rights established in 1948 by the General ourselves part of a progressive and moral society. Assembly of the United Nations, states: “All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and in rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should acts towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.” The key term here is equal. If we are all born equal, then granting civil rights to some and not others is clearly at odds with that statement. We must fight to protect the 66 Vault • Volume 5 • Fall 2013 WORKS CITED
Bockman, Petter. “1,500 Animal Species Practice Homosexual - ity.” Http://www.news-medical.net. 23 Oct. 2006. Web. 10 Nov. 2011.
“The Gay-Marriage Windfall: $16.8 Billion - Forbes.com.” Infor - mation for the World’s Business Leaders - Forbes.com. 05 Apr. 2004. Web. 23 Nov. 2011.
Goodnough, Abby. “As Gay Marriage Gains Ground in Nation, New Hampshire May Revoke Its Law.” Nytimes.com . 27 Feb. 2012. Web. 27 Feb. 2012.
Heide, Chris. “More to Marriage than It Seems.” The Daily of the University of Washington. 9 Feb. 2007. Web. 07 Nov. 2011.
“Homosexuality and Mental Health.” UC Davis, Psychology. Web. 20 Nov. 2011.
“How Many People Are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgen - der? | Williams Institute.” Williams Institute | Advancing Critical Thought in the Field of Sexual Orientation and Gender Iden - tity Law and Public Policy. Web. 01 Nov. 2011.
MacEntee, Liza L. “A Fight For Equality” Oct.-Nov. 2011. Sullivan County Community College, Loch Sheldrake, NY.
Singer, Peter. “The Identifiable Victim.” The Life You Can Save: Acting Now to End World Poverty. New York: Random House, 2009. 47. Print.
“Table 1 - Hate Crime Statistics 2009.” FBI — Homepage . 2009. Web. 07 Nov. 2011.
“The Universal Declaration of Human Rights.” Welcome to the United Nations: It’s Your World. 10 Dec. 1948. Web. 23 Nov. 2011. http://www.un.org/en/documents/udhr/index.shtml
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