“WRITER ROMPER ROOM”
a one-act play
by
Gerry Ringwald
FIRST DRAFT 2504 W. CATALPA AVE. #1W MARCH 20, 2020 CHICAGO, IL 60625
773-315-7729 - cell 2.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BILLY LARSON - Male, 40 years old, Used Car Salesman, turned Television Producer.
HEATHER SHARPE - Female, 40 years old, Television Producer.
JOSHUA PETERS - Male, 25 years old, Aspiring Television Writer.
BOB BENNETT - Male, 35 years old, Veteran Television Writer.
FRED SCHEINBAUM - Male, 35 years old, Veteran Television Writer.
SHELIA BERNSTEIN - Female, 35 years old, Veteran Television Writer.
The time is the present. The place is the Anaheim home of used car entrepreneur and wannabee television producer, Billy Larson. 3.
On the dark stage, we hear jungle safari music. A single spotlight comes on at center stage. We see used car king BILLY LARSON in a safari jacket and pith helmet. We hear jungle sounds, including bird cawing and animals roaring. We hear a song: “Go See Bill. Go See Bill. Go See Bill. Go See Bill.”
BILLY It’s a jungle out there, folks.
(We hear a lion roar.)
Lots of dangerous predators.
(We hear a tiger growl.)
Hey, it’s easy to be eaten alive.
(We hear a gorilla roar.)
And they’ll attack when you least expect it. Especially--
(We hear a car’s engine crank up. Suddenly, he smiles. )
--if you’re trying to buy a used car!
(We hear upbeat show-biz music and multi-colored spotlights swirl around him.)
Want the best price on a pre-owned Dodge Charger? Or a great deal on a slightly older Ford Explorer? Well, we’ve got it all at Billy Larson’s Auto-Rama in Anaheim. We’ve got every kind of car and truck you want...right here in Orange County!
(We now hear military music.)
We’ve also got a big selection of Army surplus vehicles...at huge discount prices. So if you’re lookin’ to blow up your nasty neighbor’s house or invade a nearby liquor store--
We hear tank gears. He tosses away his helmet and dons a giant Stetson cowboy hat. The music changes to fast- paced hillbilly music. 4.
BILLY (cont'd) --go see Bill!
(We again hear: “Go See Bill. Go See Bill. Go See Bill.” The lights come up full.)
Ahhhhhh. Good stuff. Makes me proud to be an American!
He turns to thirty-five year old writers, BOB BENNETT and FRED SCHEINBAUM. They’re sitting on the couch, noshing on a deli plate.
I’ve done thousands of those commercials. Did ya know that?
(Both BOB and FRED try to comment, but both have too much food in their mouths.)
I’m a “people” person. I know how they think. And it’s all thanks to--
(He holds up the book “The Power of Positive Thinking” by Norman Vincent Peale.)
“The Power of Positive Thinking.” Read it cover-to-cover twenty-five years ago.
(He grins.)
And I haven’t had a negative thought since. Last year, I went to one of those “Unleashing-Human-Potential” conferences in Aspen. Cost five thousand dollars a day! It was like “Survivor”...but with indoor plumbing and steam rooms. On the fifth day, I even walked on friggin’ hot coals. I mean, wow! Sooooo empowering. And after I got off the crutches...I was ready to take on the world!
(He paces the room.)
Now I’m ready to take on Hollywood too! I’m ready to be--
(We hear the song “Hooray for Hollywood.”)
--a television producer!
(BOB and FRED look at each other and shrug.) 5.
BOB Hmmmm. Okay.
FRED Yeah. Sure.
BILLY I’m thinkin’, it can’t be that hard to get to Hollywood. Hell, it’s only forty miles away.
BOB But, um, closeness is not the issue--
FRED --it’s having something the networks want.
BOB Bingo.
BILLY I see. Your thoughts?
BOB Well, if you want to be a sitcom producer, you need--
FRED --an awesomely funny idea!
BOB And, who can provide...the funny?
FRED Writers!
BOB Boo-Yah!
(FRED and BOB high-five themselves.)
BILLY Yeah! Like “Dharma and Greg” funny.
FRED What? That show? 6.
(He laughs mockingly.)
FRED (cont'd) Ha-ha-ha! “Dharma and Greg” was one of the most unfunny--
BOB My uncle worked on that show.
FRED You never told me that.
BOB Whatever. “Dharma and Greg” was a big hit. Ran five seasons. One hundred and nineteen episodes.
(FRED sighs and shakes his head.)
FRED Yeah. You’re right. You can’t argue with those numbers.
BILLY Exactly! And that’s why you’re both here. I need writers. Good writers. I need...funny. Lots and lots of...funny.
BOB Well, as you know, Mister Larson, Fred and I have written a shitload of sitcoms. So we know exactly what you want.
BILLY Oh, good. Good...good. Because I’ve got some great ideas--
(BOB and FRED look at each other, then both nod their heads at the same time.)
BOB But, um, before we get started--
BILLY Yes?
FRED Ah, well, there’s a...a small matter regarding our...our-- 7.
BOB --fee!
BILLY What?
BOB I...um, I mean--
(He looks at FRED with a determined look.)
--we don’t get out of bed--
FRED --metaphorically speaking--
BOB --unless we get paid.
BILLY Fellas...fellas...I thought we both agreed--
BOB No. Our agent agreed, but--
FRED --he never consulted with us--
BILLY I see. Okay. Fellas, let’s make a deal.
(He walks up behind them and puts his hands on their shoulders.)
I can put you two in a great short-term contract...with no money down!
BOB What? Did you say--
FRED That’s what he said. 8.
(BOB sighs and shakes his head in contempt.)
BOB Producers.
BILLY Once we drive this baby off the lot, we can talk about adding some more, um, features.
FRED Uh-huh. Like what?
BILLY Hey, let’s not jump the gun here. The important thing now is building a bond of trust.
(BOB looks at FRED. They stare at each other.)
FRED Well, what do you think?
BOB Aw, fuck it. I mean, we’re already in Orange County.
FRED You’re right. Ewwwwwww.
BILLY And I’ll throw in two tickets to...Disneyland!
FRED & BOB Sold!
(They all shake hands on the deal.)
BILLY Good. I’m glad that’s all settled. I mean, where would we all be without trust?
Suddenly, we hear a loud toilet flush. A moment later, a forty year old Hollywood producer, HEATHER SHARPE enters from stage right, laughing. She is carrying a large Gucci bag. 9.
HEATHER Ha-ha! The last time a guy asked me that...I got stuck with a Chernoblyl-sized case of Chlamydia. And speaking of a “social disease”--
(She walks over to BOB and FRED.)
What’s with you writers? I heard you all the way from the can.
BILLY Every room is wired for sound. Every room.
(HEATHER walks over to FRED and BOB.)
HEATHER Writers always think they’re being ripped off. But where’s the proof?
(FRED and BOB rolls their eyes. HEATHER claps her hands loudly.)
All right, people! Let’s get this show on the road.
(She grabs some food off the buffet table.)
You’ll all be happy to know that my GoFundMe for this thing raised enough cash to give us a good running start. Nobody says “no” to Heather Sharpe! After all, I did produce “Bustin’ Out.”
FRED Man, that was an awesome show! I watched it all the time--
(He loudly clears his throat.)
--when I was a kid. I mean, it was so...real. A rapper cons the dean of the University of Alabama into giving “Fresh Duke” an honorary law degree...in exchange for not spilling the beans that the dean is also secretly the local Grand Wizard of the KKK!
HEATHER For the record, the show’s title was a product of studio interference. Me? I wanted to call it“Hood-Winked.”
(They all laugh.) 10.
BOB It’s funny ‘cause it’s sooooo true.
BILLY What was that catch phrase that “Fresh Duke” said every time he won a case?
BOB, FRED & HEATHER “Kiss my grits, Sucka!”
(They all laugh even harder.)
HEATHER Yeah. But that was ten years ago. You couldn’t get that show made now. It was too real for network television.
BOB Huh. Ten years ago, right?
HEATHER Your point?
FRED What Bob means is--
HEATHER I know what Bob is trying to say.
(She sighs.)
Okay, okay. So it’s been a while.
(She goes to the bar and herself a drink.)
I gotta tell ya, the PC Police are killing me. Everybody’s gotten sooooo sensitive.
Suddenly, the front door rings. BILLY opens the door. SHELIA BERNSTEIN enters. She’s a brassy thirty-five year old veteran sitcom writer.
SHELIA Aw right! The bitch has finally arrived! 11.
HEATHER Shelia!
(HEATHER and SHELIA hug.)
SHELIA Hey, sorry I’m late. I just came from an A.A. meeting in Bel Air.
HEATHER Wait. But you don’t drink. I mean, not anymore, right?
SHELIA You bet. Hey, I was just there to network. Writers are so fucked up. You can even pick ‘em out at an orgy. They’ll always ask for separate checks. Cheap as hell.
Again, the front door rings. BILLY opens the door. JOSHUA PETERS enters. He’s twenty-five year old aspiring writer. JOSHUA is schlumpy looking.
BILLY Ah! My fourth writer has arrived!
(He shakes JOSHUA’s hand.)
You must be Joshua.
JOSHUA Ah, yeah. Mister Larson?
BILLY Oh, please. Call me “Billy.”
FRED Um, what is he doing here?
BILLY I read his stuff on “Will-Write-for-Free.com.” I laughed until I stopped. Okay. So the reason that Joshua is here--
(He picks up a small newspaper.) 12.
BILLY (cont'd) --I saw this story that he wrote for “The Burbank Times” online. It’s about this hairy teenage kid--
(He starts laughing.)
--who mugged some woman in Griffith Park during a full moon--
BOB “Hairy”? What...what was he? Was he--
FRED --a teen wolf?
SHELIA Oh, grow up!
BOB Hey, that’s a great idea for a series...a werewolf who mugs instead of kills!
(He takes out his note pad.)
Hmmmm. “Wolfie McMug.” I could definitely pitch it to Netflix.
BILLY Hey! I’m just getting to the best part. So Mister Furball is in mid-mug. The woman screams. A Burbank P.D. patrol car just happens to be in the park. The cops spot the kid and give chase. The kid runs towards the park’s golf course. Lots of places to hide. Lots of trees and shit. The Mexican kid’s like Speedy Gonzales!
(SHELIA looks down at her Apple Watch.)
SHELIA Hmmmm. It’s a good thing I turned off my Apple Watch “woke” app.
HEATHER Wow. Apple has an app for everything.
BILLY So the hairy kid sprints way ahead. At first, he tries to hide in the trees. I mean, it’s dark. Who can see him, right? 13.
(SHELIA holds up her Apple Watch.)
SHELIA I just turned the “woke” app back on.
(BILLY laughs even harder.)
BILLY So the kid forgets that he’s wearing a pair of sneakers with those stupid red blinking lights! It’s like leaving a mugger vapor trail. So the Burbank cops catch him...no sweat.
(He wipes the tears from his eyes.)
Woo! Too funny. I practically peed in my pants.
SHELIA Remind me not to sit next to you at the Comedy Store.
(BILLY points at JOSHUA.)
BILLY This kid can write funny.
BOB Well, I didn’t think that story was funny. And it’s certainly not sitcom-worthy!
FRED I mean, yeah. Where’s the big comedic payoff? Where’s the boom...boom...bang?
BOB I heard “boom”...but no “bang.”
FRED And where’s the “money shot”? Like “Speedy” and the Keystone Kops having a head- on collision with a...a friggin’ fruit cart?
BOB Or the kid gets kidnapped by a carload of clowns?
FRED Clowns are always funny. 14.
(JOSHUA stands up in defensive defiance.)
JOSHUA But...but...that wouldn’t be right. That’s not what really happened. I...I was there. There were no clowns in the park that night. I just wrote what I saw. I wrote the truth. See, I’m a Journalism major and--
FRED I knew it! A college boy!
(BOB gets in JOSHUA’s face.)
BOB What were you doing in the park at night anyway?
FRED Yeah. Are you some perv?
JOSHUA No! No! I live near the park. It’s tranquil. Peaceful. Except when there’s a mugging--
BOB Hey, what do you know about the real world, huh?
JOSHUA I don’t understand.
BOB All you pampered--
FRED --affluent--
JOSHUA Um, I’m...I’m not wealthy. I’m..I’m going to school on a scholarship--
BOB Whatever. And what does a Journalism major know about comedy?
JOSHUA I...I never said-- 15.
FRED So why the hell are you even here?
JOSHUA I don’t know. I guess Billy got me curious. And he gave me one hundred bucks.
BILLY A down payment. A show of good faith.
BOB I see. Well, Fred and I have been writing real shit...for years. I mean, we both grew up on the streets, man.
FRED Yeah. The mean streets of--
BOB --Westwood. Man, those trust fund kids were--
FRED --mean. Sooooo mean. They treated us like crap.
BOB Damn right.
FRED And we channeled all that anger into working on one of the most ground-breaking sitcoms of the last decade! We worked on--
BOB --“The Beverly Hilldebrands”--
FRED --on ABC. The network that brought you “Happy Days.”
BILLY Yeah! “The Beverly Hilldebrands” was awesome.
HEATHER So true to life. 16.
JOSHUA I...I don’t remember that one--
BOB What? Have you been living in a cave? It was about a Beverly Hills rabbi and his family--
FRED --who finds oil in their backyard while digging a hole for a wind turbine--
BOB Black gold.
FRED Free energy.
JOSHUA Huh. Hummmm.
(He looks contemplative. We hear a brief snippet from “The Beverly Hillbillies” theme song.)
HEATHER That show was totally ground-breaking.
JOSHUA Wait. That plot sounds very familiar--
FRED And we worked on “Finnigan’s Island”--
BOB --on NBC. Home of “Matlock.”
JOSHUA I’m sorry. What was “Finnigan’s”--
FRED Jeez! Okay, an Irish family all get drunk on a cruise ship, see?
BOB They are so loud and obnoxious-- 17.
FRED Get it? ‘Cause they’re....Irish!
BOB The ship hits a typhoon, see?
FRED The ship capsizes. Total chaos.
BOB In a funny way.
FRED Luckily the Finnigans are all good swimmers.
BOB ‘Cause they’re Irish.
FRED They swim to a nearby Caribbean island--
BOB --along with a slutty movie star--
FRED --a nubile Mormon farm girl--
BOB --and a nuclear physicist.
(BOB and FRED start laughing.)
FRED And since all their cell phones went down with the ship--
BOB --they couldn’t call for help.
(BOB and FRED laugh even louder.) 18.
BOB & FRED Comedy!
(HEATHER starts laughing.)
HEATHER Priceless.
JOSHUA Hmmmmm.
He looks contemplative again. This time, we hear a brief snippet from “Gilligan’s Island” theme song. Suddenly, we hear the sound of a record needle scratch.
Wait! Aren’t those shows just, um, rehashes of older hits T.V. shows?
(Angry, FRED and BOB get in JOSHUA’s face.)
FRED What...what are you talking about?
BOB Yeah. What are you--
SHELIA Yeah. What’s your final answer on that, College Boy?
JOSHUA looks contemplative again. We hear the “Final Jeopardy” game show theme music. A moment later, he comes to his senses.
JOSHUA Forget it. My point is...those shows don’t feel real to me at all. I mean, they both sound really contrived--
(SHELIA lunges at JOSHUA, but BILLY hold her back.)
SHELIA Hey, these two shows where friggin’ huge! 19.
JOSHUA Look, all I’m saying is...most people don’t get stranded on some tropical island with sexy women running around half-naked! It’s...it’s just not real. At least, not to me.
SHELIA Oh, yeah? What about “Survivor,” huh? It’s been on for twenty years! Over forty locations! That’s over forty places without indoor plumbing. Now that’s real!
HEATHER You can’t argue with those numbers.
JOSHUA But it’s not real! It’s all fake--
FRED Why you little elitist--
(He starts to charge at JOSHUA again, but BOB holds him back.)
BOB Fred! He’s not worth it.
(Suddenly, BILLY pulls out a whistle and blows it loudly.)
BILLY Hey, hey! Break it up. We’ve got some collaboratin’ to do!
(He grabs a book off a nearby table.)
A few months ago, I attended this one-day workshop class at the Anaheim Kiwanis Club.
(He shows the book to the others.)
“How to Be a Successful T.V. Producer...With No Money Down”?!
(HEATHER laughs.)
HEATHER Who uses their own money? 20.
(BILLY flips through the book.)
BILLY Ah. Here it is. Chapter Four. “The Pilot Pitch.”
(He clears his throat.)
“The pilot episode introduces the main characters and...the situation.”
JOSHUA “The situation”? What does that--
HEATHER It’s what the story is all about, newbie. “Where does the plot takes place?” “What do the characters do for a living?” “Do they belong to a religious cult?” Important shit.
BOB Hel-lo. Most of us here know this already.
FRED Yeah. Can we just cut to the chase? What’s the title of this thing?
BILLY It’s called “Defender...Dan.”
BOB Oh. Is he a superhero?
BILLY Nope.
BOB Ohhhhh. There goes Disney.
FRED Is he a private detective?
BILLY Nope. 21.
BOB There goes HBO.
HEATHER Is he straight?
BILLY Uh-huh.
HEATHER There goes Bravo.
SHELIA Is he single?
BILLY Yup.
SHELIA Woo-hoo! One for me!
HEATHER Okay. I give up. What does Dan do?
BILLY He’s an ex-lawyer in Chicago. He runs a hot dog stand by day. But at night he...he--
BOB --fights the bad guys as a mysterious dark avenger and--
(FRED punches BOB in the arm.)
FRED He just said the guy is not a superhero.
BOB But...but...superheroes are cool!
BILLY, SHELIA, HEATHER & FRED He’s not a superhero!
BOB Okay...okay! Jeez! You people are so touchy! 22.
HEATHER So what does Dan do at night?
BILLY He defends the weak and the helpless...in a court of law!
FRED So he’s “The Equalizer” with law books--
BILLY There’s no shooting!
FRED Not even, like, once in a while? Shoot-outs are easier to write than dialogue--
(BOB punches FRED in the arm.)
Owwwww!
BOB Payback!
HEATHER Break it up, you two! Ah, Billy, didn’t you tell me that this show was a, um, a comedy?
BILLY Um, yeah. It is.
HEATHER Oh. Well, I’m just gonna tell ya, this idea doesn’t really sound like a--
BILLY I know...I know. That’s why you’re all here! Look, I just want to make people happy. Every time I sell a customer a new pre-owned vehicle, I know I’ve made a difference in another person’s life. You can feel the joy and happiness they feel when they get behind the wheel of that new automobile. It makes them feel like they’re on top of the world!
(He looks at the others. They look bored.)
Look, I’ve got a feel for people. I know how they tick. That’s why I know “Defender Dan” can be a super-mega-colossal hit show! 23.
HEATHER Billy, I believe you. But, um, selling used cars is one thing. Creating a hit T.V. show is quite a different animal.
BILLY To hell it is! All you have to do is know your customers. And you’ve got to have confidence. A good salesman can sell ice to an Eskimo, okay?
(He starts looking through his stack of books.)
I wanna be like that guy that made all that money selling all those hit T.V. shows--
HEATHER Who are you talking about?
BILLY I don’t know. His name was “Aaron”...something.
HEATHER You mean Aaron Sorkin? “The West Wing” guy?
BILLY No...no! The other one. Aaron...Aaron...Aaron Spelling!
HEATHER “Aaron Spelling”? Mister “90210”?
BILLY Yeah. But that show was just the tip on the iceberg!
(He’s flipping through notes in one of his books.)
Ah, here it is. He also produced “The Mod Squad.” “Charlie’s Angels.” “Fantasy Island.” “The Love Boat.”
BOB Yeah, but they not, um, they’re pretty--
FRED --awful. 24.
HEATHER But they were ratings legends! Don’t you ever forget that!
(The writers all look at BILLY and HEATHER, dumbfounded. After a moment of silence, they shrug.)
BOB Sure.
FRED Okay.
SHELIA Fine.
JOSHUA Who’s “Aaron Spelling?”
(The others all look at JOSHUA, dumbfounded. After a moment of silence, the others collectively shrug.)
HEATHER Okay. Let’s do a deep dive into “Dan.” So, um, what’s Dan’s purpose?
BILLY He fights for the little guy.
FRED Midgets?
SHELIA Ah, I think they prefer to be called little people.
FRED Sor-ry.
BILLY Dan fights for the voiceless and the powerless. But...in a funny way! He represents good old American values. Like Jimmy Stewart in “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.” Remember that movie? My man Jimmy took on the entire corrupt political system! One guy! He smacked-down Goliath! He was the underdog. 25.
BOB But, um, that movie wasn’t a comedy!
FRED Not funny at all.
HEATHER Bob? Fred?
BOB & FRED Hmmmmm?
HEATHER Zip it! Billy...continue.
BILLY So every week, Dan takes on a different case. Every case is unique. And...funny! The first case, Dan helps a young single mom who owns a pet elephant. But the landlord is harassing her and trying to steal the elephant for its tusks and--
Suddenly, instead of hearing the actual words used by BILLY, we hear the “wah-wah” sound that represents adults in all of the “Peanuts” T.V. cartoon specials.
BILLY (FX) Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah- wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah--
(When he finishes, he laughs loudly.)
How was that? Great, huh?
(The others look at each other, bewildered. Clearly what they heard sounded terrible as a storyline.)
HEATHER Oh, absolutely!
BOB Dead on. 26.
FRED Awesome.
SHELIA Okay. Sure.
JOSHUA But, um, how...how did the elephant get through the front door and up the stairs? I mean, the sheer weight alone would--
BOB It’s a comedy! It doesn’t have to make literal sense.
FRED Nope. None of ‘em do.
BOB Where else in real life do problems resolve themselves so neatly in twenty-two minutes? Get real, okay?
JOSHUA But...but--
(BOB gestures to FRED and SHELIA.)
BOB Hey, we’re professionals, okay? We know how to do this.
FRED We’re experts on the American psyche. It’s a serious business making people laugh. Not everybody’s got “it.”
JOSHUA I see. So, um, what’s the “it”?
(He looks at SHELIA for support.)
SHELIA Hey, don’t looks at me. I’m just trying to earn a living.
(BOB and FRED stare down JOSHUA.) 27.
BOB So you wanna know that “it” is?
FRED You really wanna know?
JOSHUA Ah...yeah.
BOB Now you promise you won’t tell anybody?
JOSHUA Scout’s honor.
BOB Come closer.
(BOB and FRED both whisper in each of JOSHUA’s ear.)
Okay. Here it is.
(We hear the Peanuts “wah-wah” sound again.)
BOB & FRED (FX) Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah- wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah!
(When BOB and FRED are done, JOSHUA looks confused.)
JOSHUA That’s it?
BOB That’s it.
JOSHUA But that’s so...stupid!
(HEATHER grabs BILLY’s whistle and blows it hard.) 28.
HEATHER Can we just fuckin’ move on?
(JOSHUA sighs and nods his head.)
JOSHUA Okay. Sure.
HEATHER Good. Let’s move onto Episode Two. Billy?
BILLY The second episode has Dan defending a mute who is falsely accused of murder and--
(Again, we hear the Peanuts “wah-wah” sound again.)
BILLY (FX) Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah- wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah!
(Again, the response is not positive.)
HEATHER Um, I think these ideas, um, might need some work.
BILLY Okay...okay. Hey, I can handle criticism. I mean, that’s why we’re here, right?
(He starts nervously pacing.)
Look, I want Dan to be like...America! I want him to be generous. Kind. Brave. Gutsy. Moral. Incorruptible. Caring--
(HEATHER sighs loudly.)
HEATHER Jesus, Bill! Who wants to watch that? That might have flown when “Steve Urkel” was still a household name, but times have changed.
BILLY That’s right. 29.
FRED Yup. Urkel was smart.
HEATHER And remember...“Family Matters” has been off the air for over twenty years! Today’s characters are more, um, complex. Now they all have nasty kids. They all have shitty parents. They drink too much. They watch porn--
BILLY I don’t care! Look, just because people in Woodland Hills act like animals, that doesn’t make it right, okay? We’ve got to take television back!
(We hear patriotic music playing.)
We gotta bring back good old fashioned American optimism. American integrity. American honesty. Good old American--
He stops. The music stops as well. BILLY sees that the others are staring back at him in boredom. Finally, he sighs and puts up his arms in surrender.
HEATHER Um, Billy? Let me take it from here.
(She takes BILLY to stage right and puts her arm around his shoulder.)
Why don’t you go for a walk, okay? Let me do my magic. After all, this is why you hired me. I know how to deal with writers. Go on. Get some fresh air. Maybe come back in an hour, okay?
BILLY Okay...sure. There’s a Denny’s right down the street. I love their Signature Slams.
(He exits stage left. HEATHER starts walking back and forth in front of the others like an military general.)
HEATHER All right. Listen up, people. 30.
(She pulls a riding crop out of her Gucci bag. HEATHER snaps the crop on the table with a loud whack.)
HEATHER (cont'd) We’re all here to help Billy realize his vision, okay? You’re all being paid for your services--
(She gestures to the food table.)
--including fresh bagels from Einstein Brothers.
FRED Their double-whipped onion and chive cream cheese spread is to die for.
HEATHER So, what would you all do to make “Defender Dan” more dynamite?
(The four writers look upwards. We hear the “Final Jeopardy” music again.)
BOB Well, I’d first give him a sidekick.
HEATHER Oh. Hmmmm. A “sidekick.” I like it.
FRED Yeah, maybe some young, hip, jivvin’ kid...from the streets.
SHELIA Preferably a minority. For the “urban” demo.
HEATHER Oh, yes. We should all be thinking about those people.
BOB And, um, the kid should have a catchphrase, like, ah, “I’m down with dat.”
JOSHUA What? Are you kidding me? Nobody talks like--
SHELIA Hey, zip it, rookie. Go on, Bob. 31.
BOB And then...and then...maybe Dan’s got a steady girlfriend.
FRED Yeah. Maybe she’s a reporter for the great metropolitan newspaper.
BOB And that’s how Dan runs down leads and picks up information. And...and...maybe her name is “Lacey.”
SHELIA “Lacey?”
BOB Yeah. I...I had a cat named “Lacey.”
SHELIA Okay. But I’d make her bitchy. Real bitchy. Just, you know, to spice things up.
BOB And then I would also add--
(Again, we hear the Peanuts “wah-wah” sound again.)
BOB (FX) Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah- wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah!
(He smiles triumphantly.)
Well, what do you think?
(HEATHER, SHELIA and FRED look at each other and smile.)
HEATHER Huh. Better. But it’s still too linear. It needs more nuance.
(Suddenly, FRED gets excited.) 32.
FRED Hmmmm. I got it! Maybe also Dan’s got a buddy on the police force--
BOB Yeah. That can help Dan catch the bad guys. And...and...then maybe--
(Again, we hear the Peanuts “wah-wah” sound again.)
FRED (FX) Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah- wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah!
HEATHER Perfect!
(JOSHUA is furiously looking something up on his smartphone.)
SHELIA Wait...wait! Where’s the edge? Does he wear leather pants? Or ride a motorcycle? Does he have tattoos? Is his nipples pierced?
BOB Hmmmmm. I hadn’t thought of the guy’s, um, accessories.
SHELIA Figures. Guys.
(HEATHER shakes her head.)
HEATHER Tattoos are sooooo edgy. Anything else?
SHELIA Yeah, I also would--
(Again, we hear the Peanuts “wah-wah” sound again.)
SHELIA (FX) Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah- wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah! 33.
HEATHER Woo-hoo! I think we’re cookin’ with gas now! Yes, sir. I think we’ve made significant progress on--
(Suddenly, JOSHUA stands up triumphantly.)
JOSHUA Ah-ha! I knew it!
(He holds up his smartphone. HEATHER sighs.)
HEATHER What now?
JOSHUA I looked up Bob’s ideas on “Bad-Sitcom-Episodes.com”...and there they were! All of them!
HEATHER What are you--
JOSHUA Bob’s sitcom ideas! They’re all failed sitcom pilot scripts! His scripts!
HEATHER Bob...is this true?
BOB Hey, I still think my“My Mother, the Semiconductor” pilot rocked! Personally, I blame studio politics.
HEATHER Wasn’t that about the mom who comes back from the dead...as a laptop?
BOB Hey, who wouldn’t want their mom to be only a few keystrokes away?
SHELIA Not me. The only key I’d hit would be “delete.” 34.
JOSHUA Um, I hate to be a “Debbie Downer,” but all of these story, ah, “improvements” are the reasons why television sucks! In real life, people don’t do what they do on T.V. I mean, real people don’t--
(He turns to FRED.)
JOSHUA (cont'd) --live next door to a family of space aliens and have “comical adventures.” Nor do--
(He turns to SHELIA.) --legal secretaries marry vampire hunters. Or have--
(He turns to HEATHER.)
--a wise-cracking grandma who secretly works for the CIA.
HEATHER Hey, all those things could happen--
JOSHUA Bullshit!
(The others collectively gasp. JOSHUA gets angry.)
Why are you all so afraid of reality? Why do you Hollywood people spend so much time and energy making up totally un-real shit? I mean, most people on T.V. seem to be in some freakin’ alternative universe!
BOB That’s only in Marvel--
FRED --and D.C. movies--
JOSHUA Wrong! It’s on every channel.
BOB Not C-SPAN. 35.
JOSHUA No. Not C-SPAN. But my point is...life is not neatly wrapped up in thirty minutes.
FRED Ah, actually a sitcom is now only about eighteen min--
BOB Yeah. The rest is commercials.
JOSHUA Whatever! Life is not funny, okay? Life is friggin’ hard. People can’t afford college. They can’t afford to go to the doctor. They’re struggling. They’re having a tough time because the world is a very crazy place. And I don’t mean in “quirky” or “goofy” or “sometimes hilarious” way.
(He walks up to each of them individually.)
We don’t live in harmony. We don’t all have cool jobs. And there’s all these wars. And hate. And racism. And violence. That’s the real world. With real problems. And they don’t get solved with a “crazy scheme” or with help from a “wacky neighbor.”
BOB Yeah. So?
FRED What’s your problem?
SHELIA Purist.
HEATHER What’s your friggin’ point, College Boy? You better buck up if you wanna write for this medium.
JOSHUA Well, I’m not sure that I do!
(BOB, FRED and SHELIA collectively gasp.)
SHELIA What...what do you mean? 36.
JOSHUA I’m...I’m not sure I want to write sitcoms. I mean, you people are all so...bitter.
BOB What? Hey, I’m not bitter.
FRED Ah, yes, you are? You talk about shit all the time.
BOB Oh, yeah? Well, so do you!
FRED Not as much as you!
SHELIA God! You two are such little bitches!
BOB Listen to you, Miss Wicked Witch of the West! Still chuggin’ Xanax Red Bulls?
SHELIA You try being a woman in this awful business!
(HEATHER turns to FRED, BOB and SHELIA, and wags her finger at them.)
HEATHER Children! Behave yourselves! You’re giving Joshua here the wrong impression about us.
(She smiles at JOSHUA and puts her arm around his shoulder.)
Let’s talk.
(She walks with JOSHUA to far corner of stage right.)
Okay. You caught us. See, the truth is...nobody wants to see “truth” on television!
JOSHUA Really? 37.
HEATHER Hell, no! They want to be entertained! Americans have been through a lot. Look it up. The Cold War. The war in Vietnam. The war between the sexes. Inflation. Deflation. Recession. Pandemics. Another recession. Then another. Tack on a few more wars--
(She smiles smugly.)
Is that enough reality for ya? Look, the world is a pretty depressing place right now. People don’t know who to trust. That’s why they need television now more than ever! They need a few hours of predictable prime time programming each night to wash away all their troubles and fears. That’s what we do. We provide the laughter that’s keeps people from, I don’t know...blow their brains out? I mean, didn’t some guy once say “Comedy is tragedy...plus timing”?
JOSHUA That was Mark Twain.
HEATHER Who?
JOSHUA Forget it.
HEATHER Comedy can teach us things. Remember, Jimmie J.J. Walker helped us get over our fear of explosives. Think of how many lives were saved every time he said “Dy-no-mite!”
JOSHUA I...I don’t remember that. Look, all I’m saying is...maybe people need the truth instead of a friggin’ pack of lies!
(BOB, FRED and SHELIA collectively gasp again.)
Life is not a sitcom! We need to tell people say “no” to Netflix. Say “to Hell with” to Hulu. And...maybe...go out and meet real people! Before it’s too late!
(He shakes his head in disgust.)
Sometimes I think George Orwell was right. 38.
FRED Who’s “George Orwell?”
BOB I think he was the head writer on“The Big Bang Theory.”
SHELIA No, I think it was “Modern Family”--
JOSHUA Life is not a sitcom! Life is not simple. It’s complicated. It’s hard. And right now...it’s not friggin’ funny!
(Suddenly, we loud thunder. Enraged, HEATHER points an accusing finger at him.)
HEATHER Silence! You are rocking the boat! You are questioning the very foundation that sitcom writing is based upon! If we wrote stuff that reflected the world we actually live in...who the hell would even watch? Nobody. And then you know what we’d have? Total friggin’ chaos! Soon ad revenues would dry up. Then there’d be layoffs. Then mass unemployment. Which would quickly lead to a total global economic crisis! No way! Not on my watch! And I just bought a goddamn Porsche!
(She pokes her finger in Joshua’s chest.)
“Tell the truth.” Are you crazy? If people out there knew how little our industry cared about their shitty, insignificant lives, well, they’d probably go into physical shock! And that’s a fact! It’s science. And you can’t make up science.
JOSHUA What?
HEATHER Without our Emmy-award-winning work, the entire planet would’ve become a giant, rage- infused fireball a long time ago! That’s why me and my fellow show-runners fight every day to keep that from happening. That’s the power of television!
(She walks towards her Gucci bag. We hear thunder.)
Dy-no-mite! 39.
(JOSHUA stands up and looks at her with disgust.)
JOSHUA Oh, come on! Okay, I’m not from around here. I’m from back east. Vermont. So while I may be a stranger in L.A.--
(He goes to the window and points outside.)
--but I can see! There are people living in the streets all over this country. Most of the good jobs are gone. And I think the food in Los Angeles sucks! The romance is gone.
(He shakes his head and starts packing up his things.)
You know what Orson Welles once said about Los Angeles? He said “All roads lead to the airport.”
(He starts laughing, then grabs his coat.)
Well, I think I finally understand what he--
Suddenly, HEATHER pulls a gun out of her Gucci bag and shoots JOSHUA in the chest. He falls to the floor with a loud thud.
SHELIA Holy shit!
(BOB and FRED looks over JOSHUA’s body.)
BOB He’s...he’s...dead!
(FRED shakes his head sadly.)
FRED Just when I was starting to understand him.
(SHELIA walks up to HEATHER, looking angry.)
SHELIA Do you fuckin’ realize what you’ve done? 40.
HEATHER Ah...yeah!
SHELIA But...but...why?
(HEATHER puts the gun back in her bag and shrugs.)
HEATHER He wasn’t one of us, Shelia. And he never would be. He clearly wasn’t up to the job.
SHELIA True. But...but...that didn’t give you the right to--
HEATHER Your point?
SHELIA Oh, um, nothing.
(HEATHER looks at BOB and FRED.)
HEATHER You two...take him out back. Billy’s got a wood chipper near the garage.
(BOB and FRED drag JOSHUA off via stage right.)
HEATHER So are we okay here?
SHELIA I...I don’t know. This is pretty fucked-up. I mean, we’re just writers! Sitcom writers. Nobody ever gives us any respect.
HEATHER Your point?
(SHELIA stares at her for a moment, then shrugs.)
SHELIA Forget it. Okay, but I want more money than those guys or I’ll go to the-- 41.
HEATHER Done.
SHELIA Cool.
HEATHER Go help the boys, um, you know--
SHELIA Sure thing...boss.
(She exits stage right. HEATHER grabs a towel and wipes up the blood. We hear another thunder clap.)
HEATHER Whew! What a day.
(Suddenly, we hear footsteps. BILLY enters from stage left. His clothes are wet.)
BILLY Wow. Thank god it finally stopped raining. Did you hear that thunder?
HEATHER Oh, yeah.
(She finishes wiping up the stain.)
BILLY So, how it go? Did you get a lot done.
HEATHER Oh, yeah. It was a very productive meeting.
BILLY Good. So how did the new kid--
HEATHER Um, he didn’t work out. 42.
BILLY Really? Why not?
HEATHER He’s, um, wasn’t one of us. The kid didn’t know the first thing about...collaboration.
BILLY Really? That’s a shame. I kinda liked him.
(He sits down.)
Okay. So tell me. What did you come up with?
HEATHER Billy, you’re gonna love what we did to “Defender Dan.”
BILLY I can’t wait! I’m feelin’ like a mogul already.
HEATHER Hope springs eternal.
(She waves her hands dramatically and smiles.)
Okay. Picture...this!
She starts the pitch. Now, instead of the Peanuts “wah- wah” effect again, we hear the wood chipper stopping and starting. The sound resembles the “wah-wah” effect all over again. We can’t hear what HEATHER is saying, but we see BILLY smiling.
A moment later, we hear the song, “When You’re Smiling (the Whole World Smiles with You”). The lights slowly fade out.
END OF PLAY.