“WRITER ROMPER ROOM” a one-act play by Gerry Ringwald FIRST DRAFT 2504 W. CATALPA AVE. #1W MARCH 20, 2020 CHICAGO, IL 60625 [email protected] 773-315-7729 - cell 2. CAST OF CHARACTERS BILLY LARSON - Male, 40 years old, Used Car Salesman, turned Television Producer. HEATHER SHARPE - Female, 40 years old, Television Producer. JOSHUA PETERS - Male, 25 years old, Aspiring Television Writer. BOB BENNETT - Male, 35 years old, Veteran Television Writer. FRED SCHEINBAUM - Male, 35 years old, Veteran Television Writer. SHELIA BERNSTEIN - Female, 35 years old, Veteran Television Writer. The time is the present. The place is the Anaheim home of used car entrepreneur and wannabee television producer, Billy Larson. 3. On the dark stage, we hear jungle safari music. A single spotlight comes on at center stage. We see used car king BILLY LARSON in a safari jacket and pith helmet. We hear jungle sounds, including bird cawing and animals roaring. We hear a song: “Go See Bill. Go See Bill. Go See Bill. Go See Bill.” BILLY It’s a jungle out there, folks. (We hear a lion roar.) Lots of dangerous predators. (We hear a tiger growl.) Hey, it’s easy to be eaten alive. (We hear a gorilla roar.) And they’ll attack when you least expect it. Especially-- (We hear a car’s engine crank up. Suddenly, he smiles. ) --if you’re trying to buy a used car! (We hear upbeat show-biz music and multi-colored spotlights swirl around him.) Want the best price on a pre-owned Dodge Charger? Or a great deal on a slightly older Ford Explorer? Well, we’ve got it all at Billy Larson’s Auto-Rama in Anaheim. We’ve got every kind of car and truck you want...right here in Orange County! (We now hear military music.) We’ve also got a big selection of Army surplus vehicles...at huge discount prices. So if you’re lookin’ to blow up your nasty neighbor’s house or invade a nearby liquor store-- We hear tank gears. He tosses away his helmet and dons a giant Stetson cowboy hat. The music changes to fast- paced hillbilly music. 4. BILLY (cont'd) --go see Bill! (We again hear: “Go See Bill. Go See Bill. Go See Bill.” The lights come up full.) Ahhhhhh. Good stuff. Makes me proud to be an American! He turns to thirty-five year old writers, BOB BENNETT and FRED SCHEINBAUM. They’re sitting on the couch, noshing on a deli plate. I’ve done thousands of those commercials. Did ya know that? (Both BOB and FRED try to comment, but both have too much food in their mouths.) I’m a “people” person. I know how they think. And it’s all thanks to-- (He holds up the book “The Power of Positive Thinking” by Norman Vincent Peale.) “The Power of Positive Thinking.” Read it cover-to-cover twenty-five years ago. (He grins.) And I haven’t had a negative thought since. Last year, I went to one of those “Unleashing-Human-Potential” conferences in Aspen. Cost five thousand dollars a day! It was like “Survivor”...but with indoor plumbing and steam rooms. On the fifth day, I even walked on friggin’ hot coals. I mean, wow! Sooooo empowering. And after I got off the crutches...I was ready to take on the world! (He paces the room.) Now I’m ready to take on Hollywood too! I’m ready to be-- (We hear the song “Hooray for Hollywood.”) --a television producer! (BOB and FRED look at each other and shrug.) 5. BOB Hmmmm. Okay. FRED Yeah. Sure. BILLY I’m thinkin’, it can’t be that hard to get to Hollywood. Hell, it’s only forty miles away. BOB But, um, closeness is not the issue-- FRED --it’s having something the networks want. BOB Bingo. BILLY I see. Your thoughts? BOB Well, if you want to be a sitcom producer, you need-- FRED --an awesomely funny idea! BOB And, who can provide...the funny? FRED Writers! BOB Boo-Yah! (FRED and BOB high-five themselves.) BILLY Yeah! Like “Dharma and Greg” funny. FRED What? That show? 6. (He laughs mockingly.) FRED (cont'd) Ha-ha-ha! “Dharma and Greg” was one of the most unfunny-- BOB My uncle worked on that show. FRED You never told me that. BOB Whatever. “Dharma and Greg” was a big hit. Ran five seasons. One hundred and nineteen episodes. (FRED sighs and shakes his head.) FRED Yeah. You’re right. You can’t argue with those numbers. BILLY Exactly! And that’s why you’re both here. I need writers. Good writers. I need...funny. Lots and lots of...funny. BOB Well, as you know, Mister Larson, Fred and I have written a shitload of sitcoms. So we know exactly what you want. BILLY Oh, good. Good...good. Because I’ve got some great ideas-- (BOB and FRED look at each other, then both nod their heads at the same time.) BOB But, um, before we get started-- BILLY Yes? FRED Ah, well, there’s a...a small matter regarding our...our-- 7. BOB --fee! BILLY What? BOB I...um, I mean-- (He looks at FRED with a determined look.) --we don’t get out of bed-- FRED --metaphorically speaking-- BOB --unless we get paid. BILLY Fellas...fellas...I thought we both agreed-- BOB No. Our agent agreed, but-- FRED --he never consulted with us-- BILLY I see. Okay. Fellas, let’s make a deal. (He walks up behind them and puts his hands on their shoulders.) I can put you two in a great short-term contract...with no money down! BOB What? Did you say-- FRED That’s what he said. 8. (BOB sighs and shakes his head in contempt.) BOB Producers. BILLY Once we drive this baby off the lot, we can talk about adding some more, um, features. FRED Uh-huh. Like what? BILLY Hey, let’s not jump the gun here. The important thing now is building a bond of trust. (BOB looks at FRED. They stare at each other.) FRED Well, what do you think? BOB Aw, fuck it. I mean, we’re already in Orange County. FRED You’re right. Ewwwwwww. BILLY And I’ll throw in two tickets to...Disneyland! FRED & BOB Sold! (They all shake hands on the deal.) BILLY Good. I’m glad that’s all settled. I mean, where would we all be without trust? Suddenly, we hear a loud toilet flush. A moment later, a forty year old Hollywood producer, HEATHER SHARPE enters from stage right, laughing. She is carrying a large Gucci bag. 9. HEATHER Ha-ha! The last time a guy asked me that...I got stuck with a Chernoblyl-sized case of Chlamydia. And speaking of a “social disease”-- (She walks over to BOB and FRED.) What’s with you writers? I heard you all the way from the can. BILLY Every room is wired for sound. Every room. (HEATHER walks over to FRED and BOB.) HEATHER Writers always think they’re being ripped off. But where’s the proof? (FRED and BOB rolls their eyes. HEATHER claps her hands loudly.) All right, people! Let’s get this show on the road. (She grabs some food off the buffet table.) You’ll all be happy to know that my GoFundMe for this thing raised enough cash to give us a good running start. Nobody says “no” to Heather Sharpe! After all, I did produce “Bustin’ Out.” FRED Man, that was an awesome show! I watched it all the time-- (He loudly clears his throat.) --when I was a kid. I mean, it was so...real. A rapper cons the dean of the University of Alabama into giving “Fresh Duke” an honorary law degree...in exchange for not spilling the beans that the dean is also secretly the local Grand Wizard of the KKK! HEATHER For the record, the show’s title was a product of studio interference. Me? I wanted to call it“Hood-Winked.” (They all laugh.) 10. BOB It’s funny ‘cause it’s sooooo true. BILLY What was that catch phrase that “Fresh Duke” said every time he won a case? BOB, FRED & HEATHER “Kiss my grits, Sucka!” (They all laugh even harder.) HEATHER Yeah. But that was ten years ago. You couldn’t get that show made now. It was too real for network television. BOB Huh. Ten years ago, right? HEATHER Your point? FRED What Bob means is-- HEATHER I know what Bob is trying to say. (She sighs.) Okay, okay. So it’s been a while. (She goes to the bar and herself a drink.) I gotta tell ya, the PC Police are killing me. Everybody’s gotten sooooo sensitive. Suddenly, the front door rings. BILLY opens the door. SHELIA BERNSTEIN enters. She’s a brassy thirty-five year old veteran sitcom writer. SHELIA Aw right! The bitch has finally arrived! 11. HEATHER Shelia! (HEATHER and SHELIA hug.) SHELIA Hey, sorry I’m late. I just came from an A.A. meeting in Bel Air. HEATHER Wait. But you don’t drink. I mean, not anymore, right? SHELIA You bet. Hey, I was just there to network. Writers are so fucked up. You can even pick ‘em out at an orgy. They’ll always ask for separate checks. Cheap as hell. Again, the front door rings. BILLY opens the door. JOSHUA PETERS enters. He’s twenty-five year old aspiring writer. JOSHUA is schlumpy looking. BILLY Ah! My fourth writer has arrived! (He shakes JOSHUA’s hand.) You must be Joshua.