An Autoethnography of Cultivating Mindful Self-Compassion
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ANGLIA RUSKIN UNIVERSITY Contemplative Inquiry into cultivating and putting Practice AN AUTOETHNOGRAPHY OF CULTIVATING MINDFUL SELF-COMPASSION MARY CATHRINE YOUNGER A thesis in partial fulfillment of the requirements of Anglia Ruskin University for the degree of Professional Doctorate in Practical Theology Submitted: September 2017 ! The Grit That Becomes a Pearl ! Thanissara (2014) ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS My heartfelt thanks to Dr Zoë Bennett, Dr Tessa Muncey and Emeritus Professor Vernon Trafford whose individual and collective wisdom, guidance, generosity and compassion has been immeasurable. This work, and my heart, is dedicated to Paul Younger, my Husband, who enriches every part of my life. His compassion, wisdom, love, kindness, wonder, playfulness, inspiration and joy know no bounds and I learn from him everyday. Words simply cannot express what his physical, emotional, intellectual and practical support means to me. Particular love and gratitude to Jean for her unending love, humour, faith and encouragement and to my beautiful friend Sasha who accompanied and nurtured me throughout this journey right up to the day she died on the 8th May 2017, her precious love and presence lives on. Heartfelt appreciation also to my loving-kind friends at The Retreat who have shown unflinching support, shared meditation, chocolate and many delights. A deep bow to the Sangha at Amaravati Monastery for the precious gifts of sharing the teachings of the Buddha, guiding the way and offering a spiritual home. To Molly and George, my past and present family, friends, clients, students and all who inhabit my stories, I offer my love and appreciation. May all beings be well, safe, joyful and peaceful. i ANGLIA RUSKIN UNIVERSITY ABSTRACT FACULTY OF ARTS, LAW & SOCIAL SCIENCES PROFESSIONAL DOCTORATE IN PRACTICAL THEOLOGY AN AUTOETHNOGRAPHY OF CULTIVATING MINDFUL SELF-COMPASSION MARY CATHRINE YOUNGER SEPTEMBER 2017 Abstract This research explores self-compassion and how it contributes to wellbeing. Research indicates that self-compassion improves life-satisfaction, reduces inner-judgement, counters burnout, strengthens resilience and motivation for self-care. The aim is to investigate the process of cultivating self-compassion through engaging in Neff’s theory of self-compassion. I wanted to develop practice, identify barriers and any transformative aspects of self-compassion to understand how they could benefit me personally and professionally as a psychologist. There is an absence of personal stories from psychologists concerning their experience of occupational hazards, burnout and managing self-care. My research draws from a Buddhist perspective and is located within a Buddhist Practical Theological paradigm. The research was conducted over one-year taking an inductive, first-person approach combining the methods of autoethnography, journaling, contemplative practice and critical reflection. Autoethnographic methods were used to gather, analyse and interpret self-reflective material. My research revealed how developing self-compassion reduced my inner-critic, sense of loss, fear, depression and anxiety. It provided healing, acceptance, inner strength, resilience and integration; personally, relationally and in social and environmental activism. Professionally, self-compassion enhanced therapeutic presence and practice. Researching self-compassion alongside Buddhist practical theology enriched my Buddhist practice and reinforced the relevance of Buddhist praxis to contemporary issues. This research shows the power of story to deepen self-understanding, gain new insight, re-story a life and challenge dominant discourses. The methodological approach taken provides a valuable model for contemplative practice and research. The research contributes to existing self-compassion research through elucidating the process from a first-person perspective and has contributed to the field of Buddhist practical theology. The capacity of contemplative practice to nourish and integrate valued areas of life was also discovered. As a result of my findings I commend Mindful Self-compassion personally and propose that it becomes integral to professional training for psychologists and healthcare professionals. Keywords: Mindful Self-compassion, autoethnography, contemplative practice, psychologist burnout, therapist wellbeing. ii CONTENTS Acknowledgements ……………………………………………………………………… i Abstract ……………………………………………………………………………............ ii List of Figures …………………………………………………………………………….. vi List of Photographs ……………………………………………………………………… vii List of Accronyms ……………………………………………………………………….. viii Glossary of Pali Terms ………………………………………………………………….. ix Glossary of Buddhist Nikaya and Suttas …………….……………………………… x List of Appendicies ……………………………………………………………………… xi Copyright ………………………………………………………………………………….. xii Part 1. Pathfinding Chapter 1. Orientation and beginning 1.1 My Personal, Professional and Spiritual Contexts ……………………. 1 1.2 The Area of Focus ……………………………………………………….. 3 1.3 My Understanding of Compassion ………………………………………4 1.4 Theme: Finding The Way ………………………………………………...5 1.5 Intentions …………………………………………………………………...6 Part 2. Mapping the Territory Chapter 2. Theoretical Landscapes 2.1 Reasons for Exploring Self-compassion ………………………………..7 2.2 Defining Compassion and Self-compassion ……………………………8 2.3 Theoretical Perspectives …………………………………………………10 2.4 Research Rationale and Questions……………………………………...20 Chapter 3. Signposts 3.1 Ethical Considerations …………………………………………………… 22 3.2 Research Methodology ………………………………………………….. 23 3.3 A First-Person Approach ………………………………………………… 26 3.4 Autoethnography …………………………………………………………. 27 3.5 Contemplative Practice ………………………………………………….. 30 3.5.1 Buddhist Contemplative Inquiry: A Radical Reflection ……………….. 33 3.5.2 Mindful Self-compassion Practice and Inquiry …………………………35 3.5.3 Critical Reflection ………………………………………………………….36 3.5.4 Journaling …………………………………………………………………. 36 3.6 Material Collection and Analysis ………………………………………...37 iii Chapter 4. Guiding the Way to Compassionate Action: Buddhist Practical Theology 4.1 A Meeting Place ………………………………………………………….. 41 4.2 The Landscape of Buddhist Practical Theology ………………………. 42 4.3 Grounding: My Buddhist Theological Position ………………………… 45 4.4 Applications of Buddhist Practical Theology ………………………….. 47 4.4.1 Praxis: Engaged Buddhism …………………………………………….. 48 4.4.2 Buddhist, Theological and Psychological Reflexivity…………………. 49 4.4.3 Buddhist Inquiry ………………………………………………………….. 51 4.5 Contemplative Practice ………………………………………………….. 55 4.6 Conclusion ………………………………………………………………… 58 Part 3. Finding the Way: A year of Contemplative Practice……………… 59 Chapter 5. Personal Paths: Mountains and Valleys 5.1 Standing at the Threshold ………………………………………………. 62 5.2 Be Good and Walk Perfectly ……………………………………………. 65 5.2.1 My Inner-Critic: The Moose ……………………………………………... 67 5.2.2 Weather Warning ………………………………………………………… 72 5.2.3 Storm Damage …………………………………………………………… 74 5.3 The Void …………………………………………………………………... 79 5.4 Lost and Found …………………………………………………………… 81 5.4.1 The Blue String Bag ……………………………………………………… 83 5.4.2 Losing Ground ……………………………………………………………. 84 5.5 The Empty Nest ………………………………………………………….. 89 5.6 Coming out of Hiding ………………………………………………......... 100 5.7 Reflections and Conclusion ….…………………………………………. 104 Chapter 6. Professional Routes 6.1 Carrying a Heavy Load ………………………………………………….. 106 6.1.1 Danger Zones …………………………………………………………….. 108 6.1.2 Lightening the Load ……………………………………………………… 111 6.2 Walking with my Clients …………………………………………………. 116 6.3 Teaching Mindful Self-compassion …………………………………….. 123 6.3.1 Being Guided along the Path……………………………………………. 123 6.3.2 Guiding Fellow Travellers ……………………………………………….. 127 6.3.3 Reflections on Teaching …………………………………………………136 6.3.4 The Distance Travelled …………………………………………………...138 iv 6.4 Taking the Academic Road ……………………………………………... 140 6.5 Conclusion ………………………………………………………………… 143 Chapter 7. Wider Horizons of Mindful Self-compassion ……………………… 144 7.1 Jewels along the Path …………………………………………………….145 7.1.1 The Jewel of Belonging ………………………………………………….. 145 7.1.2 The Jewel of Connection …………………………………………………147 7.1.3 The Jewel of Equanimity ………………………………………………… 150 7.2 Taking a Stand …………………………………………………………….151 7.2.1 Individual Change …………………………………………………………151 7.2.2 Political and Social Action ………………………………………………..152 7.2.3 Environmental Protection ………………………………………………...156 7.3 Conclusion ………………………………………………………………… 158 Part 4. Discussion and Conclusions: Arriving at a Waypoint Chapter 8. Discussion of Factual and Conceptual Findings 8.1 Introduction ………………………………………………………………...159 8.2 Factual Findings ………………………………………………………….. 159 8.2.1 Methodological Landmarks ……………………………………………… 160 8.2.2 Autoethnography …………………………………………………………. 160 8.2.3 Contemplative Journal ………………………………………….............. 161 8.2.4 Contemplative Practice ………………………………………………….. 162 8.2.5 The Territory of Mindful Self-compassion ……………………………... 163 8.3 Conceptual Findings: A Transformed Landscape…………………….. 165 8.3.1 Personal Paths …………………………………………………………… 165 8.3.2 New Insight along the Personal Path ………………………………….. 167 8.3.3 Professional Routes ……………………………………………………… 168 8.3.4 Wider Horizons …………………………………………………………… 169 8.3.5 Guiding The Way: Buddhist Practical Theology ………………………. 169 8.4 Bridges …………………………………………………………………….. 170 8.5 Reflection: Crossing Thresholds ………………………………………...171 8.6 Research Terrain: Issues and Areas for Further Exploration ………...174 v Chapter 9. Conclusions: Taking a Bearing and Continuing on the Journey 9.1 Introduction ……………………………………………………………….