Volume 5 Issue 2

May, 16 2014

OMAHA’S LEADING MUST ACHE NEWS SOURCE Mustache Guide To Severe Weather By Tom Rosencrans ous. If you’re at home, usher the Mustache Monitor Guy family into the basement, prefer- ably a room other than the one displaying your QVC knife and Omaha, NE - Like the hairs that came rolling sword collection. Then get out- across our upper lips 2 weeks ago, May also side with a beer and video cam- brings a steady stream of severe weather to era and document that destruc- the Midwest every year. With a great Mus- tion. When the wife complains tache comes the great responsibility of know- simply point out you’re doing ing how to handle these potentially dangerous science. If you are not at home situations. and see a tornado you have one Thunderstorms – For the most part you option; you drive next to that should ignore these. You’re a Mustachioed thing and shout out warnings to man, not a Pomeranian cowering under all those around. That’s what Grandma’s chaise. There are a few excep- Officer David Campbell did in tions however. At little league, make sure the 1975 and only 3 people died kids take cover, they don’t have the upper lip during a F4 tornado that ripped protection yet. On the golf course, always through the middle of Omaha at drop your clubs and make sure the beer girl 5 in the afternoon. #Mansgame Officer David Campbell poses with his Mustache and squad car after knows the safest place is on the ground, may- Hail – After making sure the 1975 Omaha tornado. be behind those shrubs over there. If you’re a your sweet whip is safely in the softball player simply switch to a wooden bat garage, there’s not much to do here other than would be a sin to let it go to waste. and continue making the opposing pitcher to pour yourself 3-4 fingers of your favorite Flash Floods – Really, man? You grew a pay. bourbon or scotch and hold it out the door for Mustache. Of course it’s going to get wet in a Tornados – These are a little more seri- a minute. God’s got the ice machine on and it hurry. What’s Inside? : ‘Jay-Z

NEWS:

 Mustached Man Fights Off Entire Disrespected M4K Omaha’ Russian Army (Page 2) By Choncho Valasquez chapter. “Jay was talking all about how

Mustache Monitor Rap Reporter M4K NY was the best and that Omaha was SPORTS: just lucky a few years,” said the younger Knowles. “It’s when he said M4K Omaha  Monitor’s Jim Taskin Interviews New York, NY - Rap mogul and jigga-man was New York’s younger brother that I lost PGA’s Corey Pavin (Page 3) Jay-Z let his mouth write a check that his it. Jay-Z disrespected M4K Omaha and I entourage could not cash in an elevator after don’t play that game.” LIFESTYLE: the Met Gala last week. The Omaha chapter of Mustaches for Kids According to super credible Mustache has destroyed the New York chapter in recent  Rosencrans breaks-up Kimye Monitor sources, Solange Knowles assaulted years. Jay-Z, who hails from the , (Page 4) Jay-Z after he made several comments in could not be reached for comment. It is offi- relations to the best Mustaches for Kids cial though, Jay-Z now has 100 problems. Volume 5, Issue 2 The Mustache Monitor News Page 2 Mustached Ukrainian Fights Off All Of Russia By Benito Juarez Mustache Monitor Ladies & Libations Liaison

Sevastopol, UKRAINE (de facto RUSSIA) – Oleksandr Melnyk just wanted some peace and quiet as he groomed his Mustache and drank his Vodka on the night of May 9th after another grueling 14-hour day as shift foreman at Stroitel. Then more of those damn Ruskie tanks rumbled down his street. What happened next is the stuff of legend. The stuff only dudes with Mustaches can do. Melnyk, a bastard child of Nikolai Volkoff, walked out his home in nothing but his rag- ged white briefs and armed with only a Mus- tache and the moxie that goes with it. No more than three meters outside his front door, Melnyk encountered Vice Admiral Boris Zhukov. In a flash, Melnyk dropped Zhukov with a swift kick to the Kotlety then proceed- ed to snap the main gun off two Ruskie T-80 Mustached Ukrainian Oleksandr Melnyk defends his family, country and Mustache against all of Ivan Drago’s battle tanks while being overheard screaming, cousins. “Git OUT of me kontry you Ivan Drago lov- The remaining Ruskies all piled into a EM finish his Dovgan and finely manicure his ing sons of bliads or get na kaleni, suka,” -50 Urban Assault Vehicle and headed Mustache in peace. with such anger that Jules Winnfield would back to Moscow, withdrawing its presence Melnyk is the 3rd cousin, twice removed have soiled his pants. from Sevastopol and allowing Melnyk to of M4K Omaha grower Michael Shumpert. Troester’s Stache Paints Hollywood Awesome

By Jarvis Cottonbottom Esq and Cory Feldman posters and headed to- All-State commercials. Although he had great Mustache Monitor TMZ Reporter wards Hollywood. Nothing was going to stop screen presence, All-State membership de- this hungry, aspiring actor! Ten years passed clined 19% during the six months that Troes- by…this actor/barista’s only acting credit ter’s commercials aired. Determined not to Hollywood, CA - There are certain things in was as Adam Sandler’s body double in Jack let an insurance commercial end his career, life you should just NOT do. One of Troester worked on his trait and land- those is show up to a Cinco De Mus- ed the role of a gang member on an tache Clean Shave Party while rocking episode of Sons of Anarchy. It was to a beard. What this shows us is that you be a multi-episode gig, but he was CAN grow a Mustache but choose not fired after the first episode because to because you hate being good look- the director said he always had a ing… or simply hate all kids. That ‘goofy smile during serious scenes being said, after being the butt of sev- and his head looked like it was photo- eral jokes, or being degraded almost shopped on his body.’ into tears, whichever, Adam Troester Troester’s minor roles and persis- decided to buckle down and join the tence have since paid off. He just elite, the mustached, the M4K. signed a contract with AMC and will Troester hails from Omaha where be Zombie #4 for the upcoming sea- his parents decided to settle down after son of The Walking Dead. Filming their successful career as rodeo- doesn’t begin until mid-June, so this clowns. Like his parents, Troester Hollywood Starlet decided to spend loved being on stage. He loved an some time back home, and help sup- audience. He loved the limelight. So Adam Troester on the set of Sons of Anarchy in 2103. Shortly after this port HETRA. When he’s not acting, at the age of 4 he began to take danc- photo was taken he was let go. he likes to add to his bottle cap col- ing, singing and voice lessons. He was lection, read Nora Robert’s love nov- going to be famous. & Jill. In early July of 2013, Troester caught els, and of course LAIR (Live Action Interac- The young actor packed up his Cory Haim a huge break and was cast as an extra for two tive Roleplaying). He is a king in that world. Volume 5, Issue 2 The Mustache Monitor Sports Page 3 Pavin The Way For The PGA...ish Trevino convinced me I’d have By Jim Taskin better “game” with the ladies Mustache Monitor Sports Jockey without it? JT: #shutthefrontdoor South Hampton, NH - On a recent flight to CP: I went on extended down- Eastern Seaboard to cover the South Hamp- ward spiral with the game. Just an ton Wetlands Benefits Gala this MM corre- awful losing streak. And, of spondent had the privilege of sitting next to course I went ice-cold with the Cory Pavin. After negotiating with the flight ladies. attendant to triple up on gin-n-tonic’s before JT: Did you ever pass on your take-off I worked up the nerve to ask my first Mustache prowess to any other question while fumbling with the seat belt? tour players? CP: Johnson Wagner was a JT: Why the f&% # are you flying South- recent protégé, but he too fell west Airlines? away after opting out of the CP: The Senior Tour has been a bit rough Stachely life last year. Currently, these days. Why the f&%# are you drunk at I’m working with Rickie Fowler 9:15 a.m.? on grooming and understanding JT: Mind your business, Pavin. I don’t when to truly let it fly or dial it come to your office and try to clean your back a bit. It all depends on the balls. When were you playing your best golf? event and the angle of the plane- CP: It was definitely my mustache years; tary system. between 1982 and 1992 I won 9 different tour JT: Can I offer you a tramadol stops. And then, of course, in 1995 I won the before we take off? US Open. CP: I’m good. I just had a JT: Why did you shave it? I know that breakfast Panini. Cory Pavin (top) in 1982 with a Mustache winning in golf, life and golfers are not as superstitious as baseball with the ladies. Pavin (bottom) in 2010 without a Mustache and not. players, but that Mustache was paying the During the flight Corey I thumbed bills. through the Sky Mall together and had a good dog beds and lawn ornaments. I woke up CP: I was going through a divorce and Lee chuckle. I passed out somewhere between the without my wallet and this completed article.

Famous Mustache Ingersoll, Meyers Win Shamrock Quotes To Live By: Omega’s Volleyball Tournament

By Choncho Valasquez thing I know the Omaha World Herald and Mustache Monitor 3rd Shift Janitor Mustache Monitor are at my front door wanting a quote on how Zeek and I won the tourney.” Omaha, NE - Dynamic duo, Chad Ingersoll Although the winners were already an- and Jon Meyers were announced grand- nounced, there is still plenty left up for champion winners of Shamrock Omega’s grabs at the actual Sand Volleyball Tour- Volleyball Tournament. How can that be? nament this Saturday (5/17) at The Digz. Isn’t the tournament on Saturday? If you don’t have anything going on, stop “It’s not that I’m awesome Ingersoll and Meyers, both growing by and check it out. There may or may not because I have a Mustache sweet Mustaches were deemed future be super awesome dudes in cut-off jean champions for just signing up. This is the shorts just working it. Oh and playing ….but my Mustache gets power of the Mustache. Grow one and volleyball in the sand. There will also be me tons of chicks and helps things happen for you, things that defy all beer there. me win baseball games. the laws of nature. Ahh….the power of the Rumor has it that Val Kilmer is sched- Mustache, it’s beauty is only exceeded by uled to be there scouting someone to re- Plus I eat bacon three its power. place him in Top Gun 2: Mustaches and times an hour.” “I actually was just on the M4K website Fast Awesome Jets That Shoot Down - Rollie Fingers and clicked on the volleyball link to see North Koreans. And this long title was in what it was about,” said Ingersoll. “Next no way used just as a page filler. Volume 5, Issue 2 The Mustache Monitor Lifestyle Page 4 Rosencrans Breaks Up Kimye

By Jarvis Cottonbottom Esq Mustache Monitor TMZ Reporter

Los Angeles, CA- Although the wedding itself looked like a fairytale, the marriage itself is anything but. During a recent inter- view with Kim Kardashian, she stated sever- al times that it isn’t another woman getting in the way of their marriage…but a man! Tom Rosencrans, Kim’s long time hair- dresser and childhood friend of Kanye, has caused Kim to shack up with sister Kourtney for the last week. “They do EVERTHING together! He and Kanye shared a villa to- gether on our honeymoon!” Rosencrans is the 2012 winner of Mustaches for Kids Oma- ha’s coveted Sweetest Stache award. According to Kourtney Kardashian’s ex- boyfriend, Jeff Hardy, “This relationship has been creepy for a long, long time.” Hardy went on to say that Kanye and Rosencrans 2012 Sweetest Stache Winner Tom Rosencrans poses with Kimye at the 2013 Billboard Music Awards. Guess leave Kim and the newborn baby high and where Rosencrans’ left hand is? dry all the time to attend NBA games, go to clubs, and are constantly golfing in high end The two have since dialed their relation- their favorite activity: shopping. Cher was courses throughout California. Kanye has ship back quite a bit and Kim has believed to wearing a Dior dress and Rosencrans was defended himself and his relationship by move back home. Rosencrans was spotted shirtless with a Mustache shaved in his chest. saying “Rosey’s one of my best friends of this weekend on Rodeo Drive with Cher. The Maybe it wasn’t Kanye who broke it off, but ALL time!” two were awfully flirtatious as they enjoyed maybe Cher who swept in… Continental Cuisine: Brady’s Stupid Dog: What’s In A Name? Jabroney’s T-Ball Sliders We all know trash talking makes a Stache grow better. Brady’s stupid dog licked his balls and then vomited up these thoughts. By Hardy Hashtag Cook until desired crispiness. Set aside. Salt Mustache Monitor Culinary Reporter and pepper the hamburger to desired taste. Donny, George, Babs & Muzzy: Thanks Form into 4 Patties. Using bacon grease, cook for bringing down the curve. the hamburgers to desired doneness. While I mustache you a question but I will shave LaVista, NE - In today’s “Continental Cuisine,” waiting for burgers to cook, eat the bacon. it for later: Euthanasia. we’re going to learn a couple of different ways Drink 2 Oz of bourbon to wash bacon down. Proof of Life: I guess. Try some Miagra. to make a hamburger. Pretty simple, straight- When hamburgers are finished, plate them and Obamahair & The George Dubya: Go forward stuff, right? One would think, but for pour remaining bourbon into rocks glass. Con- some of the other growers, we have to talk sume both, in any order, and watch as the Mus- hump each other…. slowly and be specific. Brady, I’m looking in tache leaps from your upper lip due to the man- The Tickler: Viva Le France! your direction. You’re going to need just a few ly meal just eaten. The Calypso Institute of Higher Learning: ingredients, as I like to keep things simple, but Another way to cook these Stachely ham- Residual naming hat semen. delicious. The first recipe is one I stole from burgers, AKA The Continental’s Copy Cat San Diego: A Whale’s Vagina. Jared “Jabroney” Long. So grab a beer, some Slider is as follows: Party in the Back, Party in the Front: Be meat and read on.  Call Jabroney careful not to end up in prison. Jabroney’s “T-Ball Sliders”  Have him make you bacon and burgers. The Cunning Linguist: I admire you. Mouth Jockey: I hope you don’t know  1 16 Oz Package of Bacon  Drink all of his bourbon. Party in the Back, Party in the Front.  1 16 Oz Container of Hamburger  Laugh at his slow Southern drawl.  4 Oz of Bourbon, Separated Honeymoon Suite: I got a new girl now And there you have it folks! Join us next and she’s lot like you…in the Niagara Instructions: Preheat a large, heavy frying week as we dive Stache first into another meal Falls area, you wouldn’t know her. pan and place package of bacon inside pan. designed to make you a better you!