Volume 5 Issue 2 May, 16 2014 OMAHA’S LEADING MUST ACHE NEWS SOURCE Mustache Guide To Severe Weather By Tom Rosencrans ous. If you’re at home, usher the Mustache Monitor Guy family into the basement, prefer- ably a room other than the one displaying your QVC knife and Omaha, NE - Like the hairs that came rolling sword collection. Then get out- across our upper lips 2 weeks ago, May also side with a beer and video cam- brings a steady stream of severe weather to era and document that destruc- the Midwest every year. With a great Mus- tion. When the wife complains tache comes the great responsibility of know- simply point out you’re doing ing how to handle these potentially dangerous science. If you are not at home situations. and see a tornado you have one Thunderstorms – For the most part you option; you drive next to that should ignore these. You’re a Mustachioed thing and shout out warnings to man, not a Pomeranian cowering under all those around. That’s what Grandma’s chaise. There are a few excep- Officer David Campbell did in tions however. At little league, make sure the 1975 and only 3 people died kids take cover, they don’t have the upper lip during a F4 tornado that ripped protection yet. On the golf course, always through the middle of Omaha at drop your clubs and make sure the beer girl 5 in the afternoon. #Mansgame Officer David Campbell poses with his Mustache and squad car after knows the safest place is on the ground, may- Hail – After making sure the 1975 Omaha tornado. be behind those shrubs over there. If you’re a your sweet whip is safely in the softball player simply switch to a wooden bat garage, there’s not much to do here other than would be a sin to let it go to waste. and continue making the opposing pitcher to pour yourself 3-4 fingers of your favorite Flash Floods – Really, man? You grew a pay. bourbon or scotch and hold it out the door for Mustache. Of course it’s going to get wet in a Tornados – These are a little more seri- a minute. God’s got the ice machine on and it hurry. What’s Inside? Solange Knowles: ‘Jay-Z NEWS: Mustached Man Fights Off Entire Disrespected M4K Omaha’ Russian Army (Page 2) By Choncho Valasquez chapter. “Jay was talking all about how Mustache Monitor Rap Reporter M4K NY was the best and that Omaha was SPORTS: just lucky a few years,” said the younger Knowles. “It’s when he said M4K Omaha Monitor’s Jim Taskin Interviews New York, NY - Rap mogul and jigga-man was New York’s younger brother that I lost PGA’s Corey Pavin (Page 3) Jay-Z let his mouth write a check that his it. Jay-Z disrespected M4K Omaha and I entourage could not cash in an elevator after don’t play that game.” LIFESTYLE: the Met Gala last week. The Omaha chapter of Mustaches for Kids According to super credible Mustache has destroyed the New York chapter in recent Rosencrans breaks-up Kimye Monitor sources, Solange Knowles assaulted years. Jay-Z, who hails from the Brooklyn, (Page 4) Jay-Z after he made several comments in could not be reached for comment. It is offi- relations to the best Mustaches for Kids cial though, Jay-Z now has 100 problems. Volume 5, Issue 2 The Mustache Monitor News Page 2 Mustached Ukrainian Fights Off All Of Russia By Benito Juarez Mustache Monitor Ladies & Libations Liaison Sevastopol, UKRAINE (de facto RUSSIA) – Oleksandr Melnyk just wanted some peace and quiet as he groomed his Mustache and drank his Vodka on the night of May 9th after another grueling 14-hour day as shift foreman at Stroitel. Then more of those damn Ruskie tanks rumbled down his street. What happened next is the stuff of legend. The stuff only dudes with Mustaches can do. Melnyk, a bastard child of Nikolai Volkoff, walked out his home in nothing but his rag- ged white briefs and armed with only a Mus- tache and the moxie that goes with it. No more than three meters outside his front door, Melnyk encountered Vice Admiral Boris Zhukov. In a flash, Melnyk dropped Zhukov with a swift kick to the Kotlety then proceed- ed to snap the main gun off two Ruskie T-80 Mustached Ukrainian Oleksandr Melnyk defends his family, country and Mustache against all of Ivan Drago’s battle tanks while being overheard screaming, cousins. “Git OUT of me kontry you Ivan Drago lov- The remaining Ruskies all piled into a EM finish his Dovgan and finely manicure his ing sons of bliads or get na kaleni, suka,” -50 Urban Assault Vehicle and headed Mustache in peace. with such anger that Jules Winnfield would back to Moscow, withdrawing its presence Melnyk is the 3rd cousin, twice removed have soiled his pants. from Sevastopol and allowing Melnyk to of M4K Omaha grower Michael Shumpert. Troester’s Stache Paints Hollywood Awesome By Jarvis Cottonbottom Esq and Cory Feldman posters and headed to- All-State commercials. Although he had great Mustache Monitor TMZ Reporter wards Hollywood. Nothing was going to stop screen presence, All-State membership de- this hungry, aspiring actor! Ten years passed clined 19% during the six months that Troes- by…this actor/barista’s only acting credit ter’s commercials aired. Determined not to Hollywood, CA - There are certain things in was as Adam Sandler’s body double in Jack let an insurance commercial end his career, life you should just NOT do. One of Troester worked on his trait and land- those is show up to a Cinco De Mus- ed the role of a gang member on an tache Clean Shave Party while rocking episode of Sons of Anarchy. It was to a beard. What this shows us is that you be a multi-episode gig, but he was CAN grow a Mustache but choose not fired after the first episode because to because you hate being good look- the director said he always had a ing… or simply hate all kids. That ‘goofy smile during serious scenes being said, after being the butt of sev- and his head looked like it was photo- eral jokes, or being degraded almost shopped on his body.’ into tears, whichever, Adam Troester Troester’s minor roles and persis- decided to buckle down and join the tence have since paid off. He just elite, the mustached, the M4K. signed a contract with AMC and will Troester hails from Omaha where be Zombie #4 for the upcoming sea- his parents decided to settle down after son of The Walking Dead. Filming their successful career as rodeo- doesn’t begin until mid-June, so this clowns. Like his parents, Troester Hollywood Starlet decided to spend loved being on stage. He loved an some time back home, and help sup- audience. He loved the limelight. So Adam Troester on the set of Sons of Anarchy in 2103. Shortly after this port HETRA. When he’s not acting, at the age of 4 he began to take danc- photo was taken he was let go. he likes to add to his bottle cap col- ing, singing and voice lessons. He was lection, read Nora Robert’s love nov- going to be famous. & Jill. In early July of 2013, Troester caught els, and of course LAIR (Live Action Interac- The young actor packed up his Cory Haim a huge break and was cast as an extra for two tive Roleplaying). He is a king in that world. Volume 5, Issue 2 The Mustache Monitor Sports Page 3 Pavin The Way For The PGA...ish Trevino convinced me I’d have By Jim Taskin better “game” with the ladies Mustache Monitor Sports Jockey without it? JT: #shutthefrontdoor South Hampton, NH - On a recent flight to CP: I went on extended down- Eastern Seaboard to cover the South Hamp- ward spiral with the game. Just an ton Wetlands Benefits Gala this MM corre- awful losing streak. And, of spondent had the privilege of sitting next to course I went ice-cold with the Cory Pavin. After negotiating with the flight ladies. attendant to triple up on gin-n-tonic’s before JT: Did you ever pass on your take-off I worked up the nerve to ask my first Mustache prowess to any other question while fumbling with the seat belt? tour players? CP: Johnson Wagner was a JT: Why the f&% # are you flying South- recent protégé, but he too fell west Airlines? away after opting out of the CP: The Senior Tour has been a bit rough Stachely life last year. Currently, these days. Why the f&%# are you drunk at I’m working with Rickie Fowler 9:15 a.m.? on grooming and understanding JT: Mind your business, Pavin. I don’t when to truly let it fly or dial it come to your office and try to clean your back a bit. It all depends on the balls. When were you playing your best golf? event and the angle of the plane- CP: It was definitely my mustache years; tary system. between 1982 and 1992 I won 9 different tour JT: Can I offer you a tramadol stops. And then, of course, in 1995 I won the before we take off? US Open. CP: I’m good. I just had a JT: Why did you shave it? I know that breakfast Panini. Cory Pavin (top) in 1982 with a Mustache winning in golf, life and golfers are not as superstitious as baseball with the ladies.