THE GODSHEAD INCIDENTAL

Transcript: “Episode 4: Out of Doors”

An audio drama by Cara Ehlenfeldt and Amy Giacomucci

Preroll:

AMY GIACOMUCCI: Hey everyone! Amy here with a quick note up front.

This episode is about the fear of going outside and interacting with other people.

We wrote it a few years ago, but now that we’re releasing it during a global pandemic, the fear of going outside has gotten a little bit close to home. So this episode might be something to save for later.

We’ve included more detailed content warnings with time stamps so you can go take a look at the episode description and decide what’s best for you.

Good news is, episode 5 takes place entirely inside, so, look forward to that? Either way, I hope that the next episode finds us in better times.

In the words of our unflappable Therese, stay well.

Scene One: Ext. Apartment Building Alley

(The sound of a part-full trashbag being carried through a city alley. The occasional car drives down the street nearby. Em opens an outdoor recycling bin and throws a half-full bag inside onto recycling and glass bottles, then begins sorting through some envelopes by the open trash can. Quick footsteps accompanied by the jangling of keys approach.)

TERVIS (Christopher Wilson): What are you doing—hey! ​

(As Tervis approaches Em yelps, and the trash can lid slams shut.)

EM (Ishani Kanetkar): Don’t do that!

TERVIS: (terrified; his voice considerably rises in pitch:) Were you gonna punch me? ​

EM: Tervis. You are a grown man who appeared behind me out of nowhere, in an alley, while I’m taking out the trash, alone, at night. Of course I was going to punch you. ​ ​

TERVIS: Yeah, that’s on me.

EM: What are you even doing out here?

TERVIS: The mail’s gone.

EM: You mean the ads that have been accumulating on the front steps since before I got here? (She brandishes a handful of junk mail at him, and drops it into the recycling.) They’re on their way to a better place now.

TERVIS: You—you can’t just throw out other people’s mail!

EM: (singsong and mocking) It‘s addressed to Resident.

TERVIS: (stammering) I, well I, it—I have a system!

EM: What system? You let so much mail pile up that when my dad came by to pick me up for dinner, he circled the block three times because he thought the building was unoccupied. I had to say I lived across the street to get him to stop.

(She drops yet another armful of mail into the trash.)

TERVIS: Stop that! Those could be important!

EM: (sarcastic) Don’t tell me you’re worried about offending the God of Junk Mail.

2

(Tervis begins shushing her at the word “God”.)

TERVIS: (whispering) Give me those. And stop talking about G-O-D stuff out here where anyone can hear you!

EM: How is spelling a three-letter word more discreet? ​ ​

TERVIS: It works for dogs and children! Now give me those.

(Em hands over the mail to Tervis, who takes it and immediately walks away towards the building.)

EM: (with irritation) Okay. But… can I ask you something?

(Tervis pauses in the half-open door.)

TERVIS: (still whispering) About what? ​

EM: It’s… more god stuff.

(Before Em’s even done the sentence, Tervis opens the door the rest of the way and steps through.)

TERVIS: No.

(The door slams shut. Em jiggles the knob fruitlessly.)

EM: Really? (yelling) You can’t lock me out, Tervis! I live here! I have keys.... (pause while ​ ​ she empties her pockets) somewhere…

(She bangs on the door.)

EM: Tervis!

(MUSIC: The Godshead Incidental Theme by Irene Zhong plays)

VOICE OVER (Amy Giacomucci): Episode Four: Out of Doors.

(The theme music fades in to How Can I Help My Boy?, a tranquil synth composition.)

3 Scene Two: Int. Incidental office

(The music continues under the advice letter:)

HOW CAN I HELP MY BOY? (V.O.): Dear Maddy,

My wonderful son is having trouble making friends at school. He’s a sweet and intelligent boy, but he has a sensitive side that makes it hard for him to get along with his classmates. I’ve tried encouraging him to talk to other students, signed him up for extracurriculars, and spoken to his advisers. I’ve even made a targeted effort to become friends with other parents whose children are at the same university. He’s said he’s perfectly happy with the way things are, but recently he’s been changing the subject when I ask about his social life. I worry that he may be experiencing some kind of bullying. What can I do to get my son an active social circle?

How Can I Help My Boy?

(The music fades out, revealing the sounds of a moderately busy office. Em folds the letter, groaning to herself, as steady footsteps approach, get closer, and then start to pass.)

EM: E.B.!

(Em gets out of her chair and half-sprints to catch up before joining her walking down the hallway.)

EM: Hello, sorry, excuse me, uh, but do you have a minute to talk later today?

E.B.: I’m in meetings all day, dear. Are you free tomorrow at 11:30?

EM: Umm, I think my mom wants to meet for lunch, but—

E.B.: Oh, no, I’m free at 11:30 p.m.

EM: 11:30… at night? I… I could do that, probably?

E.B.: (realising that’s a ridiculous time for a meeting) No, you can’t, it’s late, and you’re young. Why don’t we have the Copycat pencil you in for sometime later this week? Thursday should… mmm, well, no, there’s the shareholder meetings… (she begins muttering to herself)

EM: It’s fine, it’s not important, I’ll just wait until–

(E.B.’s footsteps stop abruptly. Em stumbles.)

4 EM: –it’s less busy.

E.B.: (stern) Em. Dear. If you wait for things to be convenient it’ll never happen. Schedule. A meeting.

(Door opening.)

EM: No, it’s really—

E.B.: (Calling into the now-open office) Ferdinand!

COPYCAT: (unimpressed) Mrooow.

E.B.: Maddy Monday needs to schedule an appointment.

EM: It’s okay, I’ll, um, stop by. Later. When you’re out of your meeting.

COPYCAT: (sneezes)

EM: Thank you.

(EM returns to her desk and plops down into her rolling desk chair. As she sits, the diligent typing from the next desk over stops.)

THERESE: What’s that face for?

EM: Faking it through another day of gainful employment.

THERESE: No, not that. There’s something worrying you. You’re crinkling your forehead.

EM: It’s nothing.

THERESE: Are you sure?

EM: Yeah.

(Therese resumes typing.)

EM: Maybe. (beat) There is something I’ve been wondering.

(Therese stops typing.)

THERESE: Hm?

5

EM: How do you make people tell you things?

THERESE: Maddy—

EM: Em.

THERESE: You don’t make people tell you things. People want to be listened to. All you have ​ ​ to do is open yourself up to hearing them, and people will open themselves to you.

EM: That’s a great sentiment and all, but I meant more like, how do you, Therese, lead ​ ​ investigative reporter at The Godshead Incidental, get people to give you information.

THERESE: Ohhhhh. What you’re talking about is an investigation, Maddy, and that is a ​ ​ completely different story. What are you getting yourself into?

EM: (Nervously lying) …nothing? No secrets here. Just, you know, getting to the bottom of the conspiracy that exists under our very noses.

(Pen uncapping, paper rustling.)

THERESE: Em, under your reserved exterior, you have a whole world of stories bursting to get out. I should give you the details of that empathetic storytelling workshop coming up at the community center. (She alternates between writing by hand and typing on her keyboard as she speaks, her voice distracted and cheerful) As for your question, I get information the way anyone gets information.

EM: You… sabotage them? (hopeful) Like blackmail?

THERESE: (laughing) No, Em, we aren’t all criminal masterminds. All you have to do is know a person well enough to understand what they lack, and give it to them.

EM: (slightly disappointed) Like, bribery? I was kind of hoping for bribery, but using as little actual money as possible.

THERESE: (not entirely listening) In most cases, you don’t have to give people what they actually ask for. You figure them out and give them the thing they wished they needed.

EM: Ideally I would do this without ever having to get to know anyone.

THERESE: Oh, it’s easy! Even a cursory internet search can tell you more about a person than they even know about themselves.

6 (She types at her keyboard, as though she’s typing into a search engine.)

THERESE: Look at you, Em. You haven’t changed your profile picture on any social media website in four years.

EM: Has it been that long? Wait, how did you—

THERESE: (entirely offhanded) Which means in that time, no one’s taken a picture of you that truly feels like you. You don’t want anyone to think they can know you, and that means no pictures in your byline, no after-work drinks, and certainly no workplace confidantes. But you—

EM: Stop.

(slight awkward pause)

THERESE: Sorry. Was it something I said?

EM: (trying to save face) … I, um… stop… so I can focus… on my work. The conversation is kind of distracting.

THERESE: Oh. Sorry about that! Well, here’s Silv’s info for the workshop, anyway! (She rips a page out of her notebook and hands it to Em.) They’re on a technology cleanse, but they would be perfectly amenable to a delivery by any pre-industrial communication methods. I can recommend a good carrier pigeon service if you’re interested.

EM: Thanks. I’ll… look into it.

(Brief transition.)

7 Scene Three: Apartment Building, First Floor

(Em types at her laptop near the entryway of the apartment building. Behind her, footsteps accompanied by the jangling of keys approach the door, and then turn around. This happens a number of times, escalating to a near-run before Em interrupts.)

EM: So, are you thinking that if you go in and out enough times the door’ll turn into a portal, or what?

TERVIS: (uncomfortable) Oh. Em. You’re here. Thought everyone was at work this time of day.

EM: I’m working from home due to inclement weather.

TERVIS: But it’s been sunny all day.

EM: Mm-hmm.

(Awkward silence. Tervis clears his throat.)

EM: Are you waiting for a package or something?

TERVIS: No, I have a P.O. box for that.

EM: You didn’t order another pizza, did you?

TERVIS: Ha! I’m not making that mistake again. ​ ​

EM: Is everything… okay?

TERVIS: (defensive) It’s fine. Why? Do I seem like I’m not fine?

EM: Tervis, you’ve been walking to the lobby and back for half an hour.

TERVIS: So you were watching me? For half an hour?

EM: In my defense, it was hard to stop when you got to the outfit changes. How can one man own so much neon?

TERVIS: It’s not neon, it’s Dayglo.

EM: Sure. Is that why you immediately turn around as soon as you get outside? Because people see your outfits and experience permanent retinal damage?

8

TERVIS: (sarcastic) Ha-ha. No. I just… I kind of wanted to, uh, go take a walk? But I changed my mind. A few times. You know. Just kind of feels like everybody’s looking at me.

EM: Why?

TERVIS: I just see people and they’re looking at me, and if they recognize me then tomorrow it’ll be all over the place and everyone’ll know who I am and what I’m doing and everything’ll be exactly like it was before—

EM: (musing) Maybe you should hire a bodyguard.

TERVIS: So people can stare at the guy with the bodyguard? ​

EM: If it’s a good bodyguard, anyone who notices you will get a tranquilizer dart to the neck before they even know what they’re looking at.

TERVIS: A good bodyguard would need to know why I need a bodyguard in the first place.

EM: I wasn’t serious about the bodyguard, Tervis. I mean, you’re right, being alone feels… conspicuous. It’s like… not a lot of things out there were made for one person? It’s kind of hard to do anything if there’s not someone else there.

TERVIS: Yeah.

EM: There’s, uh, usually not.

TERVIS: Yep.

(A long pause.)

EM: (her tone is somewhere at the intersection of kind and irritated) Look. It’s a nice day out, my doctor thinks I have a vitamin D deficiency, and I don’t think I’ll get outside today if I don’t have a reason. Do you want to go take a walk? I used to do kickboxing, if you’re still thinking about the bodyguard thing.

TERVIS: (not hopeful, just confused) Really?

EM: Yeah, I mean, I’ll go out if you want. What else am I going to do? My job?

(Neither of them can tell if that was a joke.)

TERVIS: You sure?

9

EM: (Surprised and reluctant) Uh, yeah. I could go whenever.

TERVIS: (confused) Um. Okay, yeah.

EM: (equally confused) Really?

TERVIS: I, uh, yeah. Unless you think it’ll be weird.

EM: It’s definitely gonna be weird. ​ ​

TERVIS: I… okay. Yeah. Let’s do it.

EM: Okay. (long pause; then she zips up her backpack.) I’m going to run up and put my computer away. Put on a jacket, and I’ll meet you down here and then we’ll go, I guess?

TERVIS: I’m already wearing a jacket.

EM: A different jacket.

TERVIS: What’s wrong with this one? (long, judgmental silence) Fine. (He walks off, keys ​ ​ jangling.)

10 Scene Four: Ext. City street outside the apartment

(The apartment door opens to a soft an understated cityscape, with bird calls and light traffic.

They take a few steps on the stairs; Em reaches down and picks up a new handful of junkmail, and bounds down a couple of stairs to hand it to Tervis.)

EM: (joking) Oh, look. It’s for you.

TERVIS: Don’t give me your garbage.

EM: Are you kidding? Are you—oh. You’re kidding?

TERVIS: Yes, I’m kidding. Gimme the junk mail.

EM: Oh. Huh.

TERVIS: What? I make jokes.

EM: Right. (pause) So where to?

(Footsteps approach. Tervis begins to hyperventilate. Em grabs him by the jacket before he can leave.)

EM: Calm down. (In a forced but pleasant voice to the passers-by:) Hi, good afternoon. ​ ​

(Footsteps pass, and she releases him. Tervis gasps in air as the panic attack passes.)

EM: Seriously?

TERVIS: That hurt!

EM: You can’t run back inside every time you see someone!

TERVIS: I have, and I will.

EM: No. We’re doing this, okay? You’re going to be outside like a normal person.

TERVIS: Okay.

(They’re still not going anywhere)

EM: So do you want to, uh. What’s hard for a former… “celebrity” to do unaccosted? ​ ​

11

TERVIS: A… few things.

EM: Well, let’s start with one. (Tervis doesn’t answer) Are you not saying anything because you thought of something, or because you want to go back inside?

TERVIS: Both?

EM: Okay, well, you’re not going back in there. So what’s the thing?

TERVIS: It’s kind of weird.

EM: This is already weird.

TERVIS: And embarrassing? Maybe?

EM: …in what way?

TERVIS: (makes a self-deprecating sound)

12

Scene Five: Int. Movie Theater

(An action movie is playing on a movie theater screen. The music is tense. There are sounds of movie patrons eating popcorn and engrossed in the film.)

ACTION MOVIE CHARACTER: Gritt. It’s time.

GRITT HANSOM: Jack Thunderclaw, I’ve never had a partner I’ve been so glad to have before you.

(Em sighs in deep annoyance, drowning out the dialogue of the film. Then her ringtone goes off.)

THEATER HECKLER (Brad West): (shushing her) Turn off your phone! (to himself) Who leaves ​ ​ their phone on in a theater, who does that?

EM: (hissing) Calm down, I saw you texting during the opening fight sequence.

(She fumbles with her phone. The ringing ends with a beep as she sends the call to voicemail.

Em’s phone rings again.)

LOREM (Cole Burkhardt): (hushed, from the row behind her) If you had arrived on time, you would have seen a riveting PSA about putting your phone on silent.

GRITT HANSOM: Okay, I think the coast is— AHHHH! ​

(Audience jumps & gasps, Em finally among them.)

LOREM: Popcorn?

EM: (a hiss) No, I don’t want popcorn. Were you behind me the whole time? ​ ​

LOREM: (talking fully at their regular volume) Of course not. I moved over here when I recognized your sigh of annoyance during the villain monologue.

EM: (still whispering) It was an obvious bid for awards show attention, and I will stand by that!

(The people around EM shush her as one.)

THEATER HECKLER: Can you just shut up and watch the movie?

13 EM: Oh, I’m sorry, did the God of Theater Etiquette die and release his divinity?

THEATER HECKLER: If the God of Theater Etiquette is dead, it’s because you killed him!

LOREM: (to the Theater Heckler) Excuse my ill-mannered friend—

EM: Keep it down. ​

(Em gets up and drags Lorem with her.)

LOREM: What- what are you doing? Unhand me!

(She navigates around the people seated between them and the exit; Lorem grumbles.)

EM: Excuse me, pardon me—

(She drags Lorem out the doors, which swing closed behind them. The movie can be heard faintly, as well as a movie theater employee working concessions.)

EM: Are you following me?

LOREM: Imogen, usually people arrive separately, then watch the film together. I can show you sometime.

EM: Tervis could have seen you.

LOREM: Well, lucky for both of us, your spirited commentary forced him to take refuge in the front row.

EM: I’m trying to enjoy the movie!

LOREM: And chaperoning the most accessible divine-affiliated person you know, that’s out of the goodness of your heart?

EM: What are you implying?

LOREM: Imogen, you are a young person of many talents, but the grift is not one of them. The only reason the Turner hasn’t caught onto you by now is that you haven’t made your move.

EM: Caught onto what?

LOREM: Your attempts to earn his trust, so that when you ask him where the gods are, he might just tell you.

14

EM: That’s not… (sigh) Okay, if he spontaneously decided to tell me a divine secret or two, I ​ ​ wouldn’t stop him. But that’s not why I’m here. ​ ​

LOREM: Your subterfuge is improving! But, if I may offer some constructive criticism, you should select a more convincing pretense than ‘doing a friend a favor.’

EM: This isn’t a scheme! Can you go now? If Tervis sees me talking to you—

LOREM: Yes, yes, he’ll confound the lock of every door I encounter, and the collected inconvenience of it all will surely ruin me.

EM: I can’t believe you don’t take any of this seriously.

LOREM: And I’m shocked you still do.

(faint, muffled movie dialogue:)

GRITT HANSOM: I thought you were on my side!

JACK THUNDERCLAW: That was your first mistake. The second was standing so close to my trebuchet.

LOREM: (Stops, listens; they’re distracted now) At any rate, I suggest you enroll in a brief course in manipulation and duplicity. It’s a 36-step program, and lunch will not be provided.

EM: Even if I were—

LOREM: My apologies, Imogen, but I’ve already discerned how this movie ends, and my imagination is going to do a far better job than the hack cinematographer they hired. Ciao.

(They begin walking away very quickly, forcing their way through the swinging door of the concessions stand.)

CONCESSIONS WORKER (Davy Gardner): (already defeated) Hey, only staff are allowed back here.

LOREM: Never fear, I have my food handler’s license.

CONCESSIONS WORKER: We can’t keep doing this, pal.

LOREM: Oh, are we pals now? How exciting.

15 (They leave through the staff door entrance, and it swings behind them.)

CONCESSIONS WORKER: (sighs) (to EM) I wouldn’t wait for your date. They usually don’t come back from there.

(Em growls at him. The Concessions Worker sighs. Meanwhile, the movie continues playing, muffled through the doors but fully audible:)

GRITT HANSOM: You know what, Thunderclaw? I came here to kick ass and kick down doors... and I’m all outta doors.

(They kick the door down. Tervis screams and runs out the swinging double doors of the theater, stuttering to himself and pacing.)

TERVIS: (to Em) You left? ​

TERVIS: You left?

EM: I got a phone call.

TERVIS: Something could have happened!

EM: Tervis, people are staring.

TERVIS: Crap. Crap, I have to go.

(He takes quick, jingling steps to the door.)

EM: Tervis, wait up—

(The movie theater entrance door shuts; Tervis is already outside. EM makes a frustrated sound and jogs to follow TERVIS. The movie continues playing to the now mostly-deserted lobby.)

JACK THUNDERCLAW: Gritt, are you sure you can defuse the bomb with your mind?

ACTION HERO and CONCESSIONS WORKER: (simultaneous, ACTION HERO muted in distance and dramatic, CONCESSIONS WORKER up close and emotionally exhausted) Trust me, I’m a professional magician.

16 Scene Six: Ext. Footbridge

(Tervis’s footsteps, accompanied by his keys, walk quickly and steadily down a dock. The sound of gulls, ducks, and geese, as well as the rush of a quiet river. Em follows after him, slightly out of breath.)

EM: Tervis, can you slow down for one second? I have to—

(He does not slow down. Em deliberates for a second, then digs up a coin to use in a dried corn dispenser. She turns the crank, throws the dispensed corn in the general direction of the water, and runs to catch up.)

EM: Tervis! Seriously? What the hell was that?

TERVIS: (deflecting) Well, what was that?

EM: I feed the ducks, it’s a thing I do! Can you please explain why watching an action movie means we have to walk half the city at top speed?

TERVIS: That opthamologist-turned-vigilante just kicked down a door! No warning, no regard for the opening mechanism, nothing! It’s disrespectful!

EM: (catching her breath) What?

TERVIS: It’s barbaric! Who does that?!

EM: You’re freaking out because a fictional person kicked down a fictional door?

TERVIS: The door was real!

EM: The movie wasn’t that good. (beat) You’re serious? ​ ​

TERVIS: I tried to stop it and it didn’t work. ​

EM: Wait, wait, back up a second, and slow down.

TERVIS: It’s… I don’t know! It’s hard to explain! It’s just, it was a reflex, and then everyone was staring at me and this whole idea was just stupid!

EM: But, you’re outside, aren’t you?

(Em picks up a rock and throws it into the water, hard.)

17 EM: You’re here.

TERVIS: It’s not that simple.

EM: Oh, come on. Have any adoring fans or stalking reporters asked you if you happen to be related that doorknob guy from the ‘90s?

TERVIS: Shh! There are people around!!

EM: C’mon, Tervis, it’s just me and a bunch of birds... (fake gasp; talking through the side of the mouth) Don’t look now, but that gull over there might be trailing us.

TERVIS: (alarmed) Where?

EM: (dropping the facade immediately) Tervis. Do you actually think a bird is following you?

TERVIS: (stuttering wildly) It happens! It wasn’t a good joke.

EM: Fine. No more jokes. (very long pause, then, quietly,) I guess the chicks can’t get enough of you.

(Beat.)

TERVIS: That wasn’t good.

EM: (sighing) I know.

TERVIS: And kind of heteronormative.

EM: Yeah, okay.

(They’re quiet. The ducks squawk around them.)

TERVIS (simultaneous): So, uh,

EM (simultaneous): I just—(pause) You go.

TERVIS: I wasn’t even gonna say anything.

EM: Oh. (long pause) I was just going to say, you know, the corn? From earlier? I know that’s dumb but… I used to think this was a toll bridge? And that the birds were, you know, gifted with the power to collect, on behalf of the God of Infrastructure.

18 TERVIS: (chuckling) Who told you that?

EM: Um… my sister.

TERVIS: Uh.

EM: She did that kind of thing a lot. Sometimes I think it was a game, but… maybe she just wanted to see how gullible I was.

(A very long pause.)

EM: Tervis?

TERVIS: (deeply uncomfortable and anxious) Yeah?

EM: (with fake hesitance) You’d… tell me, if you knew something about her, right?

TERVIS: I’m gonna stop you right there.

EM: (disbelieving) What?

TERVIS: No.

EM: (confused) What?

TERVIS: I wouldn’t tell you. It’s none of my business.

EM: (angry) What? ​

(There is a loud splash. The birds react, squawking loudly. Someone comes out of the water and pulls themself on to the bridge, removing scuba equipment as they go. Water drips on to the boards as diving flippers slap against them.)

LOREM: (through the nasal blockage of a snorkel) Bad form, Imogen.

TERVIS: You?

LOREM: Lorem Ipsum, Executive Adjuster, Capital Claims and Adjustments, LLLC, at your service. Pleasure to re-make your acquaintance, Mr. Tierney.

TERVIS: (stuttering wildly) What are you doing here?

EM: (to Tervis) You wouldn’t tell me? ​

19

TERVIS: (to Em) What are they doing here?

LOREM: (They take off their goggles to speak unimpeded) I’m here to make a proposition. Don’t mind the scuba equipment, it’s largely unrelated. Now, Mr. Turner—

TERVIS: Don’t call me that!

EM: Get out of here!

LOREM: Please, Imogen, I have this under control. (to Tervis) Your tenant and I are conducting an investigation regarding divine stand-ins, also referred to as “vanity gods”— ​

TERVIS: You don’t know what you’re talking about. (to EM) Is that what this is about? ​ Getting information out of me?

EM: I wasn’t—

LOREM: If it sweetens a bitter pill, she also has genuine concern regarding your agoraphobic tendencies.

EM: Tervis, this isn’t—

TERVIS: Don’t! Don’t. Don’t talk to me. I have to go. I have to go, right now. Gods dammit. Where are my sunglasses?

EM: Collar.

TERVIS: Oh.

(Sunglasses unfolding as he puts them on.)

TERVIS: I have to—I have to go.

(Tervis sprints away.)

LOREM: Not the dramatic exit I would have chosen.

EM: Why would you do that? That’s my landlord! He controls my whole living situation!

LOREM: You’re the one who tried to manipulate him. And look how that went.

20 EM: It might have gone a little better if you didn’t make it look like I’m trying to extract information from him!

LOREM: Even though you are?

EM: I’m not extracting information from him, (badly quoting Therese) I’m understanding information he doesn’t have!

LOREM: It’s the opening move in a long game, Imogen.

EM: It’s not a game to me! This is—it’s—she’s gone, Lorem! And I was fine! I wasn’t great, ​ ​ but I was fine! And then you showed up. As if we both don’t know who my ‘mysterious friend’ who hired you really was. It was Iris, you… you idiot! And now you’re telling me you—a professional thief—don’t know how to find her?

LOREM: (cold) Not a thief. Executive Adjuster.

EM: Gods damn it, Lorem, I don’t care. I was trying to do one thing, (she start crying) just one ​ ​ thing, on my own, but you decided you needed to show off! Do you want to be the only ​ gods-damned person who can help me?

(Lorem climbs onto the railing.)

EM: Take off that snorkel and answer me!

LOREM: No point.

(Goggles snapping on their face.)

LOREM: (speaking with slight nasal blockage from goggles) You know where to find me when we’ve both calmed down.

(They dive into the water.)

EM: You are ignoring the only function of a bridge!

(EM collapses onto a wooden bench.)

EM: (in almost a wail) Gods damn it, Iris.

(Brief transition.)

21 Scene Seven: Int. Outside Tervis’s Door

(The transition fades into three rhythmic knocks of a wooden door.)

EM: Tervis? (brief pause) Tervis, I know you’re in there. (annoyed) Please open the door, Tervis.

TERVIS: (through closed door) I can’t. ​

EM: Opening doors is your thing. I just want to talk.

TERVIS: No. You don’t understand. I can’t.

EM: Did something… happen?

TERVIS: (disbelieving) Yes. You know why I don’t leave my apartment?

EM: You’re too busy trying to guess what kind of spill the infomercial guy’s going to clean up next?

TERVIS: This isn’t a joke. I don’t leave because I can’t. If I open the door, I’ll die.

EM: I don’t think that’s likely.

TERVIS: That’s not the point! (pause) Before you moved in, everything was fine. I had these 600 square feet locked down. I could write up the lease, decide who stays and who goes, I could call up an exaviator to get all the pigeons out of here. This building was my place.

EM: And then Lorem broke in.

TERVIS: They didn’t just break in.

EM: Tervis, they don’t even think you’re really divine, it’s fine.

(The door opens.)

TERVIS: They think I’m a vanity god? ​ ​

EM: That’s a real thing?

TERVIS: (reflexive) It’s not about that. (pause) Look. It doesn’t matter whether I’m powerful or not. No one ever chased me down the interstate with a camcorder or left the world’s

22 third-largest pancake in my kitchen while I was on vacation because they thought I was powerful.

EM: The world’s what?

TERVIS: I said pancakes were my favorite breakfast food one time. (pause) When ​ ​ everything got too big, and it all got out of hand, I tried to tell them: I’m just the doorknob guy. But no one thought I really meant it. All the people who want that kind of attention ruin it for the rest of us. One time someone interviewed me, just for a local magazine. I was trying to be boring. Interviewer asked how I kept myself humble. I was just the doorknob guy, but that’s not what people cared about. They wanted my whole life.

EM: I didn’t know that.

TERVIS: Of course you didn’t. But I thought you were smart enough to understand.

Look. You’re a good tenant. You pay your rent on time. I saw you tear down that ad for 5G’s multi-level marketing scheme the other day. I’m not gonna evict you. But if you’re gonna keep knowing these things about me, and you’re gonna make a weird mystery-solving club with your friend, and you’re not even gonna get why I don’t want them around, I think it would be better for both of us if you find somewhere else to live.

EM: They’re not my friend.

TERVIS: I don’t care.

EM: So am I still living here or not?

TERVIS: Up to you. Can you go back upstairs now? I want to slam the door.

EM: I… yeah. I guess.

TERVIS: Great.

(Em’s footsteps recede down the hallway. The door slams, shockingly close and loud and powerful.

A brief transition.)

23 Scene Eight: Int. Incidental office

(Em is typing while Therese monologues to her, occasionally letting out “hmms” of half-listening acknowledgment.)

THERESE: (mid-sentence) … and then, at 3 a.m., that was when the strangest thing of all happened.

EM: Mm-hmm.

THERESE: I saw a snout, Em, a pale white snout emerging from one of the laundry machines.

EM: Erghhh.

THERESE: It was basically slithering through the air, bent at a weird angle, and it was so much longer than any snout could possibly be.

EM: Hm!

THERESE: It moved forward, easing itself out of the machine, reaching for the ground… and then it took a sock into its mouth and returned to the machine, just like that!

EM: Wooow.

THERESE: (excited) And, Em, that’s when I realized—it was an arm! An arm reaching out of the ​ ​ laundry machine. I made a schematic of the laundromat, and I see that it would be—

EM: (interrupting) Ooookay. Therese, how much coffee had you had at that point?

THERESE: I don’t drink coffee. But… I was on my fourth cup of yerba mate.

EM: You know—so one time during finals, I drank, like, 48 ounces of coffee, plus a Big Gulp, before 2 a.m., and while I was walking home I saw a pack of the freakiest-looking dogs I’d ever seen—they were like 6 feet tall, and horns, way too many legs—and I didn’t realize until the next day that what I actually saw was a herd of deer. ​ ​

THERESE: I know what I saw, Em.

EM: Sure.

THERESE: You’ve been quiet today. (She rolls her office chair towards Em.) Are you feeling well?

24 EM: Why are you touching me?

THERESE: I’m checking your temperature. It doesn’t feel like you have a fever, but an herbal remedy couldn’t hurt. I brew my own ginger-turmeric tea; I’ll bring you some tomorrow morning.

EM: Please don’t try to mom-friend me, Therese. We’re practically the same age.

THERESE: I’m not trying to mom-friend you, Em. I’m your friend, and I’m worried about you.

EM: Okay, can you just back off? ​

THERESE: (disappointed) Em.

EM: Sorry. It’s not you. It’s just… not you. ​ ​

THERESE: Do you... want to talk about it? Maybe on the ride over to pick up Douglas? It can’t be healthy to keep so much bottled up like this.

EM: Actually, I… (lying) just remembered. I’m staying late to… talk to E.B. You should go without me.

THERESE: Are you sure?

EM: Yeah. I didn’t even finish my piece for tomorrow, anyway. Go home. Pick up your son. (correcting herself) Dog.

(Therese deliberates)

THERESE: Okay. (She zips up her bag.) Well... Please let me know when you’re home safe.

EM: Yeah. I’ll… I’ll do that.

(Therese walks towards the door.)

EM: Therese?

THERESE: Yes, Em?

EM: (loses her nerve) Have a good night.

(Long pause)

THERESE: Stay well, Em.

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(Therese leaves; Em is alone. She sighs and returns to her work. As she types, How Can I Help My Boy fades in.)

EM (V.O.): Dear How Can I Help My Boy?,

Don’t. He’s a grown adult, and he didn’t ask for your help. You didn’t trust him when he said he was happy with the way things are, and you decided that meant you needed to help.

There are many reasons he may have told you he is not lonely. Perhaps he genuinely enjoys solitude. Or maybe he has friends, but he doesn’t want to tell you about it because you have made it clear that his social life is not good enough for you.

Or maybe he is lying. Maybe he’s lonely and unhappy. But he doesn’t need you to force him into companionship.

Your son doesn’t need friends—he needs you to stop twisting his words to justify your own actions. And you need to rebuild his trust in you. So call your son. Ask him how he’s doing. Accept his answer, whether you believe it or not. And if you need to go slam a door or two after, well, sounds like you have an empty nest.

Incidentally Yours, Maddy Monday

(Footsteps approach, and slowing down as they approach Em’s desk.)

E.B.: Maddy Monday. What are you still doing here?

EM: (reflexive) What are you still doing here? I mean, you’re the Editor-in-Chief, so, of course you would be here, but, it’s kind of late?

E.B.: You know how meeting season gets. (A thought strikes her) I was supposed to do something for you.

EM: No, I—

E.B.: Oh! Oh, you wanted to meet. I have some time now if you want to talk.

EM: Maybe we should schedule it for later—

E.B.: Oh, why put it off? I have time now.

EM: It’s really not important, we should just—

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E.B.: Meet me in my office when you’re ready and we’ll talk.

(In E.B.’s office, an espresso machine is steaming and owls are softly hooting in the background.)

E.B.: I’m making espresso; would you like some?

EM: It’s 11:00 p.m. (expectant pause) No thank you. I’m sorry, I think maybe this is a bad time?

E.B.: If it were a bad time, I wouldn’t have invited you in.

EM: Then it’s a bad question.

E.B.: Only if the question you have is different from the one you ask me.

EM: (She takes a second to collect her nerve; then:) You’re… really a god, right?

(A long, tense pause.

E.B. laughs, raucous and uncontrolled. After a moment, Em adds in a nervous, confused chuckle.)

E.B.: (through laughter) I’m sorry, dear, it’s been a very long time since someone’s asked if I ​ ​ were a real god like that. It’s a… perfectly legitimate… (she starts laughing again.)

EM: Sorry, I shouldn’t have… Sh–should I leave? I can leave.

E.B.: No, no, stay. Give me a moment. (She collects herself very quickly.) Now. Don’t apologize for questioning the structures you’ve taken for granted. Skepticism is an important tool. Look at its source, and survey it carefully.

EM: Oh. What?

E.B.: Em, have you brushed up on the best practices lately?

EM: Not... recently. Why?

E.B.: You might want to look at our procedures for archiving sensitive information unsuited for publishing until the relevant parties are deceased.

EM: Are you talking about the dark intranet?

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E.B.: Oh, dear, I’m afraid our time is up. I have 15 seconds to prepare for a video conference. So, if you don’t mind.

EM: Oh. Right. Of course. Um. Thank you?

E.B.: You’re welcome. (a pause) And Maddy Monday? Be careful. Journalism is a cutthroat business. We look out for each other here, but that can only go so far.

EM: Wait, what?

(A notification sound for a video call plays in a series of beeps.)

E.B.: Oh, my apologies, dear. The meeting is starting. (in Spanish) Sí, puedo oírte. A, ​ ​ ​ Costanza! Cariña! Cómo estás? (translation: Yes, I hear you. Ah, Costanza! Dear! How are ​ you?)

(The door swings shut. Very long pause; soft cat footsteps.)

COPYCAT: Mraaaaw. Mrooooow. Mroooow?

EM: (confused, deep in thought) She’s in a meeting.

COPYCAT: (unamused) Mraaaaw.

(Copycat scratches at E.B.’s door until it opens and then slides in.)

EM: You, too.

THE END

28 Credits:

(MUSIC: Everything You Do by Irene Zhong plays)

LYRICS: Take a trip to the bottom of the lake To go and drown all the pictures that I take when you’re Looking away, and you don’t hear me say I’m missing you And everything you do

VOICE OVER: This has been Episode Four of The Godshead Incidental. This episode was performed by:

(Note: Actors are reading their own names unless indicated otherwise)

Ishani Kanetkar as Em

Christopher Wilson as Tervis

Maya Armstrong as Therese

Cole Burkhardt as Lorem Ipsum

VOICE OVER: This episode also features:

Sam Mauceri as Gritt Hansom

Jonesy Jones as Jack Thunderclaw

Brad West as the Theater Heckler

Davy Gardner as Concessions Worker

Kelly Smemo

VOICE OVER: - as How Can I Help My Boy?

With Abby Doud as E.B.

The Godshead Incidental is created by Cara Ehlenfeldt and me, Amy Giacomucci. Sound design for Episode Four is by Cara Ehlenfeldt and Jonesy Jones. Recording engineering for Episode Four is by Philipp Gaissert and Cara Ehlenfeldt. Our Production Manager and Assistant Editor is Abby Norling-Ruggles. Our Social Media/Publicity Manager is Hannah Ehlenfeldt.

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Our theme music is composed by the astounding Irene Zhong and mixed and mastered by the marvelous Madhav Ghei. Our credits music is “Everything You Do” by Irene Zhong. Our cover art is by the remarkable Maddie Rode Design. Now we have to think of three adjectives each time! That’s what’s called “raising the stakes mid-season”. (Laughing) Anyway, check out the links to Maddie’s work and all of our contributing artists in the show notes.

If you like what you hear, please subscribe, and give us a review! We would love to hear from you.

If you’d like to hear more from us, you can also follow us on Twitter @godsheadpod, and check out our Patreon, where we have rewards like two-day early episode release, recording scripts annotated by our cast and crew, and postcards for Godshead holidays, like First Thaw and Bonfire! Check it out at patreon.com/godshead.

Thanks for listening, everyone!

I’m gonna go… (long pause) nowhere.

30 After-Credits Gag:

(Clips from the action movie play one after the other.

A fire rages over tense music.)

JACK THUNDERCLAW: Gritt. Are you sure you can defuse the bomb with your mind?

(The scene changes - a steady, vacuous room drone.)

JACK THUNDERCLAW: Are you sure you can swallow an entire sword?

(The scene changes again as Jack Thunderclaw shouts to be heard over the sound of a motorcycle - )

JACK THUNDERCLAW: Are you sure it’s safe to put a rabbit in that motorcycle helmet?

(New scene - the steady beeping of a heart monitor)

JACK THUNDERCLAW: Are you sure you’re gonna be able to put her two halves back together?

(And finally, the zoom of a passing racecar as Jack Thunderclaw whispers:)

JACK THUNDERCLAW: Gritt. Are you sure that was his card?

GRITT HANSOM: Trust me, (They shuffle the deck of cards) I’m a professional magician. (They reshuffle the deck and tap it twice, followed by an explosion.)

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