tE DAY, APRIL 20 a TRAVEL P.5 University concludes defence exercises Vancouver (AP ) The week long military exer- mock attack by western Art s vigilant against foreign infil- dom from chaos and dissent , cises, featuring over 5,000 Faculty aggressors on the tration, counterrevolution , the freedom to be strong ." The People's University o f university staff and stu- last day of exercises. and those who would sub- "To our once and eternal British Columbia conclude d dents, focused on training a "They can try to storm thi s vert the Socialist educatio n president," concluded Key- its annual border defenc e new generation in defense of Wall all they want," said stu - of the masses. This succes s stone, "Mr Toope, hold u p and readiness exercises on the Great Patriotic Wal l dent volunteer Justin Ko, "a of this week's exercises this wall!" March 31, announced an offi- against foreign sympathizer s baton to the head stops the m proves again how unassail- cial spokesperson for th e and democratic reformer s every time ." able the People ' s University Agency for Military Security . from the western campus . AMS Vanguard Leade r is when we are united," sai d Student volunteers eagerly Kevin Keystone concluded Keystone . "Here, atop this took to their drills and the event with a speec h wall, we are all comrades . absorbed lessons of strateg y addressed to the central gov - Here, we stand shoulder t o at a phenomenal pace, culmi- ernment . shoulder in our pursuit of o f The benevolent Red Sun will be watching nating in their successful "This iron tower of highe r true freedom : the freedom of over you for the rest of the week. defense of the Wall from a learning must remain ever unity in purpose, the free -

Debaucherous behavior cages the beloved mascot of the Sci- ence Undergraduate Society

LOCAL P.5 Microwaves just make my blood boil .

S"ORTS The ever victorious and mag- nificent Party hockey team proudly displays the flag of the motherland .

Please recycle VIVE LA REVOLUTION Proud members of the Red Army participate in wall manoever s

COUNTY FAIR -FEATURING- Donated by Your hi nds at THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS THE WEAK RT iAHS the Arts Undergraduate SecktY and The 43 2 ' CORD LUND kritl THE NORM( ALBEPtTIM Please drink resncnsibly CADENCE WEAPON THE SALTEENS Published in the deep, dark, dungeon that is the IFPO in the SUB of UBC castro WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5, 2006 LOCAL The gulag experience: a perspective By FRANK YANG It was small, but it was cozy an d different tastes in food . However, We regret to report that on hi s for Castro Havan a quiet, and I had the place all to bread and porridge are the core o f return journey, Frank became s o myself for weeks at a time . staple diets everywhere, so instea d overcome with excitement, he acci- For several decades now, certain How are your energy levels thes e of trying to accomodate individua l dentally swallowed his own tongue . outspoken elements within our soci- days? tastes the staff had the foresight t o We mourn the loss our fine comrade , ety have persistently complaine d I've been feeling a little sluggish. serve everyone those and only those and salute him for his dedication t o about the quality of life for thos e It's taking me some time to adjust to foods. And just like that, everyone exposing the true nature of ou r who work and live in the gulag labou r not hauling massive cart loads o f could be equally satisfied . Although, nation's proud gulags . camps graciously provided for the m rocks every day . Of course everyon e eventually the same menu week after by the state . Regardless of the fac t had a lot of energy while working in week does start to feel dull. I swear, that these social agitators actually the camp, especially after the inspi- for a while it felt like those parcels o f stand to gain the most from a seaso n rationally energetic encouragement sausage and biscuits you people sent daily informer or two of re-education throug h from the guards . to me were the only thing keeping m e James Manson, a carpenter fro m labour, we here at The Castro never- Was time management a chal- alive. [laughs] Port Moody, was arrested last week theless see it as our public duty t o lenge at the camp ? Which part of your gulag experi- for allegations of treason agains t ? expose the absurdity of their ground- Forcing myself to get up at 5 a m ence was most rewarding the province. A well-intentione d I have to say the manual labour . less claims once and for all . was tough, I admit . Also, on som e neighbour reported that he saw Mr . Towards that end, we sent staf f days you would be so worn out after All of our efforts went into it . Having Manson smoking marijuana on his writer Frank Yang to experience th e a security enforcement practice ses- every part of yourself being put t o back porch . gulag country life first hand . Frank sion with the guards, you didn't real- use by the powers that be is an inde- What made his crime so egre- himself specifically asked for thi s ly feel like meeting the work quota s scribable feeling . gious was that it was Northern Cal- assignment, wishing to take som afterwards . Still, most of us managed Do you feel like your have gained e ifornia marijuana, as opposed t o time off for reflection and self criti- to push on. All of our daily activitie s much from your time at the gulag ? locally grown BC bud . BC Attorney cism after making some disparaging were pretty much planned out for us, Very much! Yes . Very, very much! I General Wally Opal screamed , y remarks unbecoming of a journalis t so for the most part that was easy . think I've gotten all that I possibl "Manson betrayed his province an d concerning the central government . How were the staff? can out of my stay there . his country. Plus he was a shitt y Having recently finished his time a t The guards were always lively an Describe the one area of your life d carpenter . We've had ex-customer s the camp, we sat down with him t o engaging . They'd always be there t o which you think has improved th e come forward to denounce him discuss his experience . shout an encouragement when you most from this experience . every day." What were your overall goals fo r needed it most . The other staff wer e Oh, just, everything. I feel like a Yesterday, at the BC Suprem e ? . your time at the gulag also professional and very helpful completely different person . All I can Show court, Mr . Manson was foun d Renewing my commitment to the Just last month, I became faint with say is "thank you so much" to the guilty, and relocated with his fami- Party and the revolution . revolutionary fervour and developed Party for giving me this opportunity . ly to Nunavut. What aspect of your stay ther e a significant swelling of pride in m y Do you plan on returning fo r would you say was the most chal- left leg after hearing our work quota s another stay? lenging ? were being raised a third time in a s As much as I'd love to, I think it' s Well, housing was a bit rough a t many days . My overexcitement left time for me to move on . No matter times. The tents were kind of small me in no condition to work, but the how physically and mentally enrich- and, well, there were a lot of us there, infirmary staff pulled off a miracle ing, eight years is still a very lon g with more showing up every day. We and had me back on the work gan g time. also probably didn't pay enough that same afternoon. At one point, We here at The Castro fully sup - attention to keeping the tents set up they even gave me something . A pill, port our staff exploring any stat e right, because the wind blew in quite I think. sponsored venues for persona l a bit and sometimes it got prett y And the food? growth and discovery . We woul d cold. The administrators were quite Again, you have to give credit t o love for you to inform us of your accommodating though . They kne w the staff for being so considerate . development after another two how much I liked my privacy, so the y They knew the camp had people from years. let me stay in "the hole" quite often . all over, many of whom have very Please don't send me back! masochists start from scratc h Itchy and Scratchy to becom e herpes. mascots Murderous characters put antics, but with a twist . Itchy forgets to clean himself after being splat- aside differences in the tered with Scratchy's bodily fluids (a s name of STD education always, mostly sanguine), and th e next day wakes up sore from th e Vancouver (Reuters) exertion. Scratchy's ghost the n returns to taunt Itchy with burnin g Today the Canadian Medical Asso- insults and stinging jibes . Once ciation announced that Itchy & Itchy's outbreak has subsided, th e Scratchy will be spokesmen in a ne w message "to be continued, again an d herpes awareness ad campaign . CMA again and again" closes the ad. "We representative Martha Kenagan said , felt that this vigorous first piece "herpes is no longer a stigma. Ove r would really get the campaign' s fifty percent of the population has blood flowing," said Kenagan . "We herpes simplex I or II . We quickly think that Itchy and Scratchy are per- realized that a pair of popular car- fect to be the face of herpes ." toon characters would be perfect to Other celebrity cartoon characters educate the general public about the are also being negotiated with fo r disease that most of them have ." Itdiy Oelq and Scra dri(Tigh) Owen as new herpes spolonaelmeb . awareness campaigns . Pinky and th e Simpsons creator Matt Groening, much when I wrote a script about trendy. We want them to realize it' s Brain are expected to marke t an admitted sufferer of the genita l Bart getting a cold sore from a Kwik- not just a disease for their parents ' encephalitis medications, My Pe t form of the disease, has been trying E-Mart squishee that Miss Krabappe l generation anymore ." Monster will be the lead character i n to place references to it on the show had left on her desk . But this new In the first informational short , a schizophrenia medication infomer- for the last three seasons - much to creative partnership with the CMA scheduled to appear as a trailer-style cial series, and Spongebo b the dismay of FOX censors . "I may. will allow us to make it clear to the ad in theaters next month, Itchy and Squarepants will be the new face fo r have been hoping for a little bit too kids that herpes is hip, cool, and Scratchy perform their trademark Proactiv, a major acne medication .

castro O WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5, 2006 3 Suspicions of Communist Pass

capitalism at Sign up for your Communist . Pass today. It provides a range of benefits that will make you r the BC Ferries everyday life easier. You will no longer need to find you own em- By NIKITA PINSKI the fleet have names that begin with ployment, decide on your career for Castro Vancouver "Queen of. . ." . Did that kraut Hahn intend this to reference royalty and path, manage your own property, Posing undercover as a Saanich day to silently spit in the face of the or maintain a bank account. laborer, Castro's own investigativ e party which has done so much for reporter Nikita Pinksy has discovere d him and all of us? If you think that i t some startling information about B C is okay because only half of the ships BONUS: Parking spaces are Ferries . Evidence has been discov- have names like this, think again . ered that the organization is being The other half's moniker's start with reserved for YOU! taken over by capitalist elements . "Spirit of . . .", as clear a reference t o (If we assign a car to you) As every schoolchild knows, the B C supernatural "souls" and hateful Ferry Service is the largest ferry flee t Christianity as we have ever seen . in the world and the envy of the cap- We are almost certain that the B C italist propagandists down in Wash- Ferries are classist as well . Pinksy Don't delay! Sign up today ington State . It was started by th e took the ferry from Tsawwassen t o government in 1960 for the good o f Swartz Bay, and was charged $10 .50 (555) 822-4325 www.communistpass .cn British Columbia's peoples to help for a walk-on ticket . Yet, when he them get to and from work on vari- changed into a suit and was coming ous gulf islands. But now the ques- back, he had to pay 3 dollars less. He Legal Stuff: Benefits may be changed at any time without the need to inform pass holders . Passes belong to the state, tion must be asked : are the BC Ferrie s asked the woman who sold him the as do the passholders. Lost cards may be repurchased at great expense at your local government office . For more de- making a profit? And if so, who's get- ticket why this is so, and she coyly tails, please visit our website . ting it? made up some capitalist lie abou t Chairman David Hahn says that i s "off-season prices" . Nikita insists that ridiculous, but his name sounds pret- she winked while she said it. When ty german, doesn't it? Can 'the good asked for comment the woman, Jessi - people of BC really trust a hun? On e ca Barbell, insisted she had an ey e that doesn't see anything wrong wit h twitch. What a bunch of bullshit, eh? charging hard-working socialist s We, the good idealistically-soun d Communism Solves $8.95 for a White Spot cheeseburge r editors of Castro, call for a full gov- meal? To us, "White Spo t" seems like ernment probe of the inner-working s a pretty thinly-veiled reference to th e of the BC Ferry Service . A full, deep , Daylight Savings Time! "Whites" that were defeated by th e penetrating probe . We believe that a "Reds" in the Russian Civil War . Bour- thorough investigation will conclu- geoisie David Hahn is getting rich off sively prove our claims . We are have the backs of hungry socialist workers complete faith that the Party will suc - By JON LAM easily countered by instituting lea p and it must stop . ceed in this task as it has in all oth- for Castro St Petersburg years where three days are added to Comrade Pinksy reports that this i s ers. the end of February . "As commu- far from the end . Half of the ships in This week, as billions worldwid e nists, we are obliged to do things big- lose a precious hour of their lives t o ger, better and more efficiently than daylight savings time, communist s the West, and having three extra day s around the world are praising their for their one extra - is just anothe r fellow comrade Dr . Lin Guanxian for manifestation of the genius an d stopping this Western menace t o power of communism . There are peace in a worker's utopia . "It al l inherent flaws in the Western Grego- came to me in a dream . Great Chair- rian calendar, which is why we wil l man Mao himself came to me and ultimately implement a completel y told me what I had to do," explain s lunar system. The West will onc e Dr. Lin. Under the new communis t again have no choice but to follo w DOWNTOWN HAVANA ' S FINEST LIVING . system, clocks will be set one hour our superior time-keeping technolo- gy. ,, behind in the fall, as is the current practice . In the spring, however , Response to the new system , • Ar gentine inspired architectur e rather than setting clocks one hour implemented retroactively today, has with exquisite detailing ahead like Capitalists, our comrade s been supportive. Comrades from al l • Beautifully crafted one and tw o will be setting our clocks back 2 3 across the globe are noticing 30 per - bedroom homes hours. With this extra day to recuper- cent increases in productivity and 8 5 • Luxurious bathrooms that exude ate, experts estimate immense rise s percent increases in morale . Recent of serenit y sense numbers from the Ministry of Trut h • Government inspired kitchens in productivity, as their Western • Largest floorptans in the city counterparts once again lag behind . in Beijing, taken from results of a Lin goes further in saying "the nex t recent survey, show improvement logical step, is of course, to build a not only in the workplace, but also at time machine . With this mighty tool , home with respondents averaging a we can go back in time and rewrit e 60 percent increase in happiness . history in the glorious fashion that Critics in the West have called thi s our ancestors envisioned ." Accordin g new system ludicrous, but are simply to Lin, the consequences of having a masking their jealousy . communist 364-day year would be

Party Leader Colleen Atherton Chief Morale Officer Lois Chan Glorious Son of the Motherlan d Jon Lam Anti-capitalist Task Force castr Dan Anderso n More Equal Commrade Frank Yan g Commrade Nik Pinski Castro Vancouve r Worker Marlon Richmond 202-6356 Agricultural Rd. Bourgeoisie Lik-Hang Le e Vancouver, BC V6T 1Z 4 main :604-822-423 5 Castro is created by the Students of th e fax: 604-822-555 8 Science Undergraduate Society of UBC . and your expropriated homes, this is sales : 604-822-362 2 The opinions expressed here are those o f have been dying for. Move in today ! editorial: the432@gmail .com the individual writers and do not repre- website : www.sus.ubc .ca/publications .html sent the Science Undergraduate Societ y or UBC, though of course each of thei r opinions happen to adhere to Party poli- cies . castro 04 WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5, 2006 LOOKAT ALL THE CHICKS WIT H DICKS WE. HAVE!

For more chicks with dicks go to www.richardswithchickens .com including: - Richard Belzer - Philip.K. Dick - The Dixie Chicks -AND MORE! Airbus Hires Mathematician to WATCH COMMY- COOKS TODAY AT 9:30 & NOON , FOR THIS Design Infinite RECIPE RED VICTORY SOU P Plain By NIK PINSKI tinguishing between words that This recipe won the People's Choice Award 1974 for Castro Pari s rhyme . Those rumors first surface d in early 2003 when Noel, instead o f Airbus announced Monday tha t boarding an Airbus A-340 to Greece, Ingredients : they have hired French 2002 Field s got on a Greyhound bus to Nice . 1 can tomato rations Medal winner Laurent Lafforgue t o Even more bewildering, however, i s 1 tbsp capitalist rice work on unknown, but implied, next- the implied suggestion in the releas e victory basil to taste generation projects . that Airbus plans to make an 'infinite ' Lafforgue is considered within the plane. When reached for comment , mathematical community to be the various top scientists world-wide dis- Directions : premier expert on the practical real - missed the idea as "rubbish". When 1. Free oppressed tomatoes from their cavel tin confinement! life applications of theoretical infi- asked the same thing during his 2. Help tomatoes into a medium-sized pot, and add one tin of water to nite constructs . According to CEO press-conference, Monsieur Laf- refresh them!! Noel Forgeard, this is exactly wh y forgue smiled coyly and said, "Well , 3. Encourage tomatoes to hold a fiery protest until they come to a boil!! ! Airbus offered Laurent twice what I'll certainly be designing an infinit e 4. Toss in a tablespoon of uncooked rice to represent the capitalis t Boeing was willing to pay . Noel com- plain for them ." At that point Jame s overlords, and some basil to represent the sweet smell of victory!!! ! mented in a press release, "Lafforgue Barron from the New York Time s 5. Allow the tomatoes to simmer with anger until the evil rice is cooke d will be the highest-paid Asian man on asked if Lafforgue said 'plain' or (about 20 mins)!!!! ! the planet, and he'll be worth ever y 'plane'. Lafforgue answered, "Is ther e 6. Serve to the hungry oppressed working class masses. VICTORY TO THE penny . He'll be taking our planes to a difference? That'll be all the time I MASSES!!!!!!!!! infinity. Get it?" have today, gentlemen ." The press-release befuddled jour- In a late-breaking development , nalists world-wide, because Monsieur PetroChina CEO Chen Geng has dis- Lafforgue is 100 percent Caucasian . patched the following email to Noel Forgeard's statement gives further Forgeard: "I make two , hundred mil - For more recipes go online to credence to rumors that he is suffer- lion dollars a year . Your move , www.peoplestv.com/communitstcoo ks ing from a rare neurological brai n Frenchie ." disorder that prevents him from dis- castro WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5, 2006 sports 105

111A#1 Russia finished the 2006 Winter Para- GLORIOUS ANNIVERSARY Today is the lympics number one with 33 medals ahead o f 19-month anniversary of the US Bas- Germany's 18. This confirms what Nikit a ketball team's embarrassing 89-8 1 Khrushchev first said in 1962. "Even a crippled loss to Argentina at the 2004 Summe r communist can kick a capitalists's ass." Olympics. Shame to the imperialists . Vancouver Canucks: Stanley Cu p Favourites By NIK PINSKI not diminished at all thi s from it, and went on to wi n about this . We must trust for Castro Vancouve r past season . The bottom six the gold in a resounding Chairman Harper to bring forwards, meanwhile, hav e fashion. this situation up at the UN . As we roll towards that been scoring more than eve r I realize, fellow fans, tha t While he's there, he shoul d magical time of the yea r before and have been unbe- neither you nor I were able to also demand that America n known as the NHL Playoffs , lievably consistent . see any of the games fro m referees stop being blatantly fans in Vancouver are exhila- Most impressive of all ha s the quarter-finals onward . As biased against the Vancouve r rated, as they have a lot to been Todd Bertuzzi. The man the CBC reported afterwards , Canucks . If it wasn't for thos e look forward to . The success has completely rebounde d we obviously wiped the floo r capitalist refs, the Canucks Q& A of the Canucks in the post- from the Steve Moore inci- with the American team i n would have none of their 2 9 season is rarely in doubt and dent, and he has turned int o the finals . Those damned losses. I am as certain of thi s almost always supremely the incredibly powerful play- American capitalist imperial- as I am of the ideological san- positive . This has never bee n er that everyone expected ists! They think they can jus t ity of Leninism . With Tom more true than this year. him to be . The entire year, he black out the televisio n But it doesn't matter . As The Canucks steamrolle d has played as a man on a mis- broadcast of the hocke y much as the Americans will out of the gate and neve r sion, using his size and skil l games to the entire country try to make the Canucks lose Brady looked back. The team has to put up huge numbers con- of Canada and we wouldn' t and miss the playoffs, there Castro's Mikhail Monterno been firing on all cylinder s sistently. find out that we kicked their is no doubt in any sane per - sat down with New Englan d throughout the entire season. True, the Canucks had to fat Yankee asses in the gold son's mind that they will suc- No other team in the NHL ha s face a little bit of adversit y Patriots Quarterback To m medal game? I bet they also ceed. Not that there is muc h Brady. been able to match it offen- recently, but local fans thought that we wouldn't point to it. There is almost n o sively or defensively . should not fret. After all, d o find out that Canada go t reason to play any of the Q: Was it amazing to win The top line of Naslund- the Superbowl three times not forget that the Canadian more Gold medals than the y playoff games. Anyone with in four years? Morrison-Bertuzzi was once Olympic Hockey team, of did. Never underestimat e intelligence knows the again supremely dominan t which Todd Bertuzzi was a socialism! We did find out , Canucks will annihilate an y A: No question about it . It was incredible, an experi- and has no equal anywhere in part, also had some adversity because the CBC will alway s opponent in their way until r the league . The chemistry early in the tournament . For- keep us well-informed . I'm they win the Stanley Cup . ence I'll never forget o between those three guys ha s tunately they rebounde d duplicate. Almost as amaz- getting steamed just thinking ing as the first time I rea d Das Kapital . Q: Do your teammates Favoured Team Wins Championship s make you better as a play- er? By MARLON RICHMON D top seed for the US College asked the coach "off the advantage. It worked, and I'll A: No question about it. for Castro Trenton Basketball Championship record" why he puts on the use it next year as no one Only together can we suc- tournament as a result of their bogus charade of being under- thinks our recruiting class i s ceed. No one player above The number one ranke d impressive season. In dogs, the' coach replied "It's a any good. We're just the little another, all workin g University of New Jersey Wild - November, the entire team really good bullshit motiva- team that could." Their towards the same goal . It's cats blew out the Wyoming appeared on the cover of tional strategy. Our sports recruiting class is ranke d why we were always able t o State Panthers 97-52 last Mon- Sports Illustrated with th e psychologist recommended number one by many experts, beat the Indianapolis Colts . day to capture the US Colleg e headline "No one expects any- that if we act like underdogs , and two of their recruits Tony Dungy promotes indi- Basketball Championship . thing from us", and Bo b we could use the lack o f recently decided not to go t o viduality and classism ove r After the game, New Jersey's Thomas appeared on the respect against us . I decided the NBA directly out of high there and that attitude will star center Bob Thomas, who cover of an issue in February that even if everyone respect- school, even though the y never prevail . was named MVP for the tour- under the headline "Why are ed us, we had to act as if n o would be certain top te n Q: It sounds like you r nament to go along with hi s we never considered th e one did. We were able to still picks. coach had a profoun d Player of the Year Award , best". Their record finishe d use the motivation to our influence on you. commented: "Nobody thought 35-2, with their TV games A: No question about it . we had a chance to win. The drawing the highest ratings o f The first day of training media gave us no respect thi s the season. The team was camp he gives every rookie year. They said we couldn' t point spread favorites in Las a little red book with all our win a game here, and we have Vegas for every game playe d plays in it, and quotes from now proved them all wrong ." from December onwards. Mao, Stalin, and Brian Mul- Jim Jacobs, the Wildcats point During the Trophy presen- roney. And during practice s guard, and an expected top tation, the Wildcats coach, Jo e we all wear jerseys with th e five draft pick, repeated th e Bayless reiterated the lack o f same number - one - statement. "It was unbeliev- respect he felt the tea m because we're all numbe r able how many upsets we had received throughout the sea- one equally. It's confusing to win this season. No one son. "We may not have had th e at first because there's n o could have possibly predicte d talent, the hype, the medi a names on them either, bu t we would win this game. The attention, but we shocked the eventually you figure it out . closeness was just plain unbe- world. We gave 110 percent It's how I was able to set an lievable." and had to struggle through- NFL record and complete Coming into the season, out the entire year. - No fan, passes to seven differen t The Wildcats were ranked firs t none of those egghead ana- receivers during Superbowl both in the Associated Pres s lysts, or even those sophisti- XXXIX Writers poll and the ESPN cated sports bookies in Neva- Q: What are some of the Coaches poll. They went on da thought we had a chance . virtues of Marxism? to defeat some of the top chal- We just played it one game a t A: No question about it . lengers in the country during a time, and managed to get Marxism's virtues includ e their non-conference season, lucky. I'm very proud of ho w that it attunes us to impor- and followed their impressive our team overcame adversity tant economics, explain s start with a dominant, unde- throughout the season One ownership relations and CANUCKS CAPTAIN MARKUS NASLUND: Or at least someone profit-seeking, reveal s feated conference season , reporter though challenge d that looks like him wearing his jersey. It doesn't really look like which included winning the the statements made by the many horrible effects o f him, does it? Anyways, he has 30 goals and 41 assists this sea - markets, and highlight s Big East tournament . The New Jersey coaches and play- son because he is a loyal communist . Seriously. Wildcats were selected as the ers . When Nick Dillinger class dynamics. SCOREBOARD Contreras Unhappy CHL (CUBAN HOCKEY LEAGUE ) Screaming Eagles 2 Villa Clara Ramparts 3 - Guan- The Chicago White Sox and exiled visit Cuba again." Fidel Castro was LAST NIGHT'S RESULTS tanamo Wheat Kings 5 Cuban baseball player Jose Contreras said to have seemed "intrigued" b y Havana Greyhounds 5 - Cayo Largo Santiago De Cuba $ilvertips - agreed to a $29-million three year this "offer ." Contreras was then Spitfires 4 Vinales Thunderbirds (game called contract extension. Despite this, Con- reported backtracking faster than an Cienfuegos 67's 1 - Varadero Ic e off due to rain) treras says, "I'm not happy. I would antelope on PCP . Dogs 0 trade all this money just to be able to Cayo Coco Blades 2 - Holguin

6 castro 0 WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5, 2006 Comrades people's Banana Boat Elected by movies Sinks, Kills Five People, for f°r<._t•°T°ro° ° 16 Blocks -- Horror By NIK PINSKI whole thing could've easily been stars Robin Williams for Castro Guantanamo Bay avoided if only they used cucumbers e Stalker who makes a point of stalk- or even avocados ." Peopl ing his victims for 16 blocks, no A banana boat carrying a doze n The seven rescued have bee n Chairman more, no less. He eventually falls in cuban refugees sank off the coast o f granted refugee status by the INS , Michael Duncan : 489 love with one, marries her, and ha s Florida last night. The US coast guard but the iguana was found to have a Jon Lam: W three happy and healthy babies . managed to rescue seven people an d criminal record and has been put o n Creepy film about a creepy man with a small iguana. Five others weren't so a plane back to Havana. VP External a creepy hobby and a creepy ending . lucky. Their life preservers only Schneiders Foods announced that Sean Kearney YES : 624 At least the women are fairly attrac- made them more attractive to th e it's planning to pull their novelty Sean Kearney NO: 126 tive, even if the male victims loo k sharks. "We're still not sure why they sausage flavored life preservers off like fruitloops. made a boat out of bananas," state d the market . VP Internal *** Three out of five. spokesman Mark Andrews. "This Reka Pataky : 386 Vladimir Choi: 184 Basic Instinct 2 -- Comedy/Drama Aaron Sihota: 170 stars John Goodman directed by Michael Moore Director of Finance A dark comedy about a teenage fas t Dennis Yoo YES : 631 food restaurant worker, working his Dennis Yoo NO: 11 6 first night-shift and dealing with th e basest of instincts -- the need to eat . WATCH COMMY- Executive Secretary ** Two out of five. Matthew Naylor: 383 .COOKS TODAY AT Sarah He: 34 6 Inside Man -- Romantic Comedy 9:30 & NOON , stars Ellen DeGeneres FOR THIS RECIPE Director of Publications A young, nubile undergraduate stu- Colleen Atherton: 41 1 dent frantically searches for the tru e Lois Chan: 313 identity of the man deep inside o f CAPITALIST PIG SANDWIC H himself. Public Relations Officer *** Three out of five. Diana Diao: 413 Alex Lougheed: 333 She's the Man -- Action/Drama This recipe won the People's Choice Award 1972 stars Zhang Ziyi, Jet Li Director of Sports The story of the life of a transves- Jamil Rhajiak : 376 tite superhero who fights for the Ingredients : Jilian Smyl: 34 2 rights of her kindred all around th e 2 slices of wholesome whole wheat brea d globe. Five out of five for seein g 1 Tbsp working class butter Social Coordinator Zhang Ziyi striking heroic poses in a 1 Tbsp working class mayonnaise Rochelle Leung YES : 597 latex crime-fighting suit . Bonu s 4 slices capitalist pig Rochelle Leung NO: 150 points for proper use of party rub- bers. Science Student Senato r Directions : Cameron Funnell YES : 642 Failure to Launch -- Documentary 1.Cut the decadent upper crusts off of two slices of whole-wheat bread ! Cameron Funnell NO : 109 Sexology expert Nik Pinski moni- 2. Cover the bread with wholesome working-class butter and mayonnaise! ! tors the sexual dysfunction of six 3. Put a few slices of capitalist pig luncheon meat on top of one of the Peoples Representative s patients, three male and thre e slices of bread!!! Alex Lougheed: 508 female. On par with similar docu- 4. Put the other slice of bread on top, thus trapping the fat capitalist pig Tristan Markle : 45 3 mentaries Free Willy and Fast and between the wholesome bread of the workers!!!! Matthew Naylor: 39 3 Furious, but lacking in originality . 5. Slice into quarters, showing no mercy, and distribute equally among th e Rochelle Leung: W *** Three out of five masses. ALL HAIL THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION!!!!! !

For more recipes go online t o www.peoplestv.com/communitstcooks

,does to Shlei Lam takes Vampire Award ;RricT eli&a n t Drop the cup : court Court ftcha Duncan: the in- Despite recent scandalou s ,filer Penrs ;of to y has orders The belove d ed mascot i f the coming President of ttheSOdfi reports that he is involvin g become old .new.. The in Jamil Rhajiak, who ha s So , . brat, was=arrested .is found ` &be a hazard himself with various ladie s coming Socia RCoordinator o f recently been re-elected a s last PRnday night and charged to cows all aro nd campus: with indecent exposure . He u and bottles around campus, the Society liar found dine* the Director of Sports, wa s "The body paints and hair Jonathan Lam was praised toy and it's n.otaboy -- it's caught drinking coffee . He was found making out with a dyes confuse them ver y for his exceptional work fo r Jonathan Lam's large anti claims he had needed th e s all crowd of eager girls much," says Martin Lopatka, the Party. The out-going VP ready bottle of Bacardi:' boost to write his papers, bu t after Liver Training wearing an expert on bovine psychol- External quietly received the Rochelle Leung was found reports say that the authori- thing but his Science jacket. ogy. "Have you ever seen prestigious Vampire Kindred along with Ara Koh (an active ties will charge him with jit- Labrat was photographed, cows run into walls and posts Award for his commitmen t member of the Society), bot h tering in public, for which he paw printed and released early head first? They do that when to the people . The golden kneeling before Lam's willing can be fined up to 20 push- Saturday morning .---He is fac- Duncan's around ." But Sci- chalice, stained with th e ,and spilling .booze . Bacardi ups of community service . ing fines of up to SR) for all ence students love the Blue blood of the people, signify- itself is old news, ; I'm sure, the hearts he broke. and Topless) Mike, and ing the ultimate sharing, though not when it's sprout- would not stand to have him shoots lasers from hidden ing from Lam's crotch. removed . controls.

castro WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5, 2006 take five I o7 peoples The Peoples Gloriou s horoscope ARIES Crossword `W March 21-April 20 You feel as though you are being watched, your every move followed . 1 2 ence pangs of this, but rest assured , the State will bomb- it out of exis- Beware the capitalist pig; he will lure tence . you into the gulag . 1 0 ACROSS TAURUS April 21-May 21 5. Enthusiastic participant of the People's Army . Love of the motherland will cleans e . Disagree- 11. The South might have food , your body and your mind electricity, and other such corrupting ments with the all knowing benevo- vices of the West, but we have th e lent government will end badly fo r leadership of the Eternal President . you. Your lucky colour is red. 12. Perpetual, bloodless mas s activity which brings lasting prosper- GEMINI ity to all. cMay 22-June 21 14. In this war, only the gloriou s 20 and patriotic showing of total mili- As the red planet passes through tary commitment can counter th e your needs based governmen t enemy's hostile and reckless sabr e assigned house next week your hap- rattling . piness will know no bounds . 15. A beloved president for life. 20. Just body of first among CANCER equals . June 22-July 22 21. Stalin's musical organs had an odd tendency to shoot these . You have never been married. Your 22. The most productive type o f mate was not taken from your house farm, establish for the benefit of th e late at night on Tuesday of last week. . farmer. You do not miss them 24. This clue concerns no square s and is not being censored by the Min - . .LEO istry of Information . There are no July 23_Aug. 23 D17 here whatsoever . 26. Famous young revolutionary Do not rely on anyone who lack s DOWN by D9. and T-shirt salesman . Full Name faith in the Party. Denying your lov e 13 . The first flying grapefruit to 28. Clean, refreshing fitness an d for the chairman will only lead t o . Fattening white drink of Imperi- cower the world. 1 re-education centres in the country - pain and suffering . You have bee n alist scum inferior to our own nutri- 16. Recipient of the People's Axe o f side. given the best job for your skills . tious D4. Doctrinal Triumph. Last name . 29. This activity, carried out by one 2 . Airborne upholders of the peace 17. Give a man a fish and he wil l half of A30, will continue unti l VIRGO All with their own alley . live for a day . Give a man one o f honored by morale improves . Aug. 24-Sept. 22 3 . Even a hairy guerrilla ca n these filled with fish and he will blow 30. The right hand of the Stat e become Chairman of the revolution . away the enemies of the revolution . beats, while the left punctures. Your faith in the Party will b e Full name. 18. The only official supreme Pres- rewarded. You can rest assured that 4 . Invigorating nectar of the revo- ident to trademarked his forehead . something will work out . Red apple s lution that goes well with D7 and Last Name are good, loyal apples. often served in A28. 19. The international Communist 6. Dogma of Communist lite revi- initiative to appropriate our preciou s UBRA sionists. bodily fluids . Sept. 23-Oct. 23 7. Delicious, hearty foodstuff of 21 . Official color of everything . O the proletariat served often with D 4 23 . Crossdressing US senator an d Victory tomatoes will save yo u in A28. closet Communist . Last Name from the capitalist curse of scurvy. 8. Pact of mutual friendship, soli- 25 . Leonid Brezhnev would hav e You will be taken care of by a loving darity, and curtain sharing. hated not only this man's doctrine , government from cradle to grave . 9. The present truth. but also his music . 10. Lies of the past fully exposed 27. The people may often experi- SCORPIO ' :OctO24-NOV. . 22

A marriage will be proposed tha t must be avoided . It will only reduce Big Dreams fo r your freedoms . The procreation of children must not selfishly b e reserved for one person .

SAGITTARIUS Small Cuban 4Nov 23-Dec. 21 Hard work will make a good com - By NIK PINSKI boat . Uncle Carlos sent me Martin' s munist. Stale bread and gruel are the for Castro Marea Del Portill o jersey last year, and I've been using it food of victory! The re-education will as a blanket." increase your joy and prosperity . 13-year old Cuban Jose Marrenit o Jose admits that he has a long way has had to face a lot of people telling to go before he can make it into th e him no . First, it was those who sai d NHL. First, he still hasn't left Mare a 4)CAPRICORN there was no ice-rink in his home Del Portillo, and so he needs to learn Dec. 22Jan.20 town of Marea Del Portillo . Then, it how to skate. He says his next ste p A child will betray you . Buy cheese . was those who said he was too small after that will be to find someon e Red cheese . Cheese that comes fro m to play hockey . Just last week, it wa s else to learn how to skate with him s o good communist Red Angus cattle . that baker that slapped Jose when he that he has someone to shoot pucks squeezed her tush . But through it all , at. Lastly, a little-known clause in th e the 3-foot 5-inch height-challenge d NHL Collective Bargaining agreement *AQUARIUS teen prevailed. prohibits any Cubans from playing i n Jan. 21-Feb.18 He says his hero is Martin St. Louis the league . This anti-communis t of the Tampa Bay Lightning . This 5'- clause has been around since th e Beware! The red fox skulks at mid- 9" player won the NHL Most Valuable 50s, and needs to change . Jose night! Player award in 2003-2004 . Jose hopes that if he gets good enough , Don't let them pull the admires that a short man in a tal l they'll have no other choice . In the wool over your eyes. Trust league was able to be the best . "I have meantime, he continues to take slap- PISCES an uncle who lives in Tampa Bay shots using coconuts and baseball me, your inlaws wil l Feb. is-March zo after escaping there on a banana- bats. never let you live it down. A creature stalks in the night . castro 08 WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5, 2006

The spirit of our great leader fills us with courage and sage advice

We cannot fight th e Come to the People's Hold your heads high, fan PracticingFaiun Gong in Rave. Enjoyment i s away the stench of counter- enemy if we do not know where they live . secluded parks deceives mandatory. revolutionary gases. no one.

The Capitalists will flee in terror at the might o f our gigantic 3-armed, conjoined twins! Leader Deng Xiaoping performs magic with our economy .

Celebrate our nation's Children must refrain .-Do not give the Hardy contribution to No, really. Please refrain from doing LSD . Boys guns! Nuclear Catastrophe! from doing LSD

t. . Do not force yourwife to cut your pubic hair for the Alcohol as a bribe wilt surely b e first time when you are Vigorously oppose enemies of the part y refused; as a reward for loyalty , past the age of 60! through forceful rude gesturing . however, will gladly be accepted .