Beryl comes to the aid Elections Manifestos 06: of “the Freestyler” Vote for me - please! wessex 16th February 2006 Priceless SCENE News Southampton students urged to stay safe following city EXAM centre mugging

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Photo: InfidelPhotos Photo: SCANDAL Boozing boffin busted marking papers under influence Music Lara Coale chalantly marking papers. What work with the respect it deserves “We will investigate these The Edge may be just a quick pint to him then why should we be expected allegations fully as a matter of With students nervously could be the difference between to take on more of the burden of urgency. Such behaviour, as is interview The awaiting their examination re- a first and second class degree. teaching from our mentors?” alleged, is completely inappro- sults, the Wessex Scene can Our shocked man told us, “Stu- The University’s Vice-Chan- priate and unacceptable.” Kooks reveal that on the eve of Val- dents work their butts off pre- cellor, Professor Bill Wakeham With the Cube nightclub li- entines’ Day, an undercover re- paring for their exams; how can said, “We expect the marking of cence appeal hearing on Tues- porter photographed a lecturer this guy pay no respect to the exam scripts to be undertaken in day 22nd and Wednesday 23rd marking exam papers - in the answer papers or marking? He a professional manner and have February, next time University pub! even went to the bar leaving all strict procedures on the whole members come under fire for an- While unsuspecting students the papers unattended.” examination process. Our pri- tisocial drinking behaviours, can are at home worrying about SUSU President, Andy Wil- ority is to ensure that students’ you be sure that it is a Sloshed grades, Professor X is supping son, said, “If our own lecturers work is assessed fairly and ap- Student or just another Pissed away at his favourite tipple, non- cannot be bothered to treat our propriately. Professor?

www.bamuk.com Student Media Buyers www.wessexscene.co.uk 0845 1300 667 News

Page 2 Brothel closed for business

Hayley Dixon police had raided three proper- ties in Basingstoke and two more A man arrested on suspicion of in London as a part of a major running a brothel in the High- police operation codenamed field area has been released on Operation Allsop’ Six people bail pending further enquiries. were arrested in connection with The man was arrested in a raid brothel-keeping, money laun- on a suspected house at 4.15pm dering and organised trafficking on Monday, 30 January. of females for sexual exploita- Around twelve police offic- tion and financial gain. Detec- ers, along with immigration of- tive Sergeant Ben Chivers of ficials and interpreters, raided Basingstoke CID said, “We will the house in Highfield as part continue to work closely with of an initiative codenamed Op- our colleagues across Hampshire eration Lynx. Established by the and the rest of the country in en- Hampshire police, this operation suring that no one profits from is investigating what Home Of- prostitution by exploitation.” fice figures suggest to be around Sergeant Mark Smith, an of- 8000 people living illegally in ficer involved with Operation Hampshire. This includes those Lynx, suggests: “The people of who have outstayed their visas Hampshire and the Isle of Wight as well as illegal immigrants who can help us by calling if they sus- have been smuggled into the pect such activity is taking place country. Brothel’s are being raided across the country to help combat immigration problems in their community.” The raid resulted in the arrest Anyone who thinks they may of the 31-year-old man, who was the questioning of four women, suspected brothel raided in children, is particularly high. The have any such information is held under the Sexual Offences three from Latvia and one from Southampton in recent years, it operation is a part of a national therefore urged to contact the Act 2003 on suspicion of being Lithuania. These women were comes at a time when concern crackdown on human traffick- Operation Lynx team on 0845 involved with the running of a not detained. about human trafficking and ing, brothel-keeping and money 0454545 or Crimestoppers on brothel. The raid also resulted in Although this is not the first forced prostitution, especially of laundering. Just the day before, 0800 555111. Students petition for 24-hour library

Kerry Standerwick student body feel this doesn’t and the library decides to do said, “We get quite a lot of feed- of these issues are necessarily a meet their needs, especially dur- something, then it’s up to man- back from a variety of sources. barrier to opening hour chang- Students united last week to ing exam periods: “Students agement,” but added that he We haven’t had a great deal [of es. support a campaign for extend- complained about their library did “understand that students feedback] about opening hours, Mr Brown assured the Wessex ed library services. The petition, closing early and about the mad walking home at night isn’t the although it is not an unknown Scene that the library would “try organised by the Students’ Un- rush at 10pm with everyone try- safest of things to do” suggest- request.” to be responsive, evaluate feed- ion Sites team, included a re- ing to get books out.” ing “there are many things we He detailed situations where back carefully and then try to quest for 24-hour library facili- The organisers of the petition could do as a Students’ Union. the library had directly respond- take things forward.” ties to be provided at the Hart- believe the proposed changes Safety buses are an option.” ed to comments, including the If you would like more infor- ley Library during exam periods will benefit students and hope An additional consideration is recent extension of the open- mation about the petition, or and the preceding two weeks. It to encourage the University to funding: money which may have ing hours at the Biomedical Sci- want to pledge your support or also demands that the Library be recognise the importance of the been allocated elsewhere will ence Library and the opening to put across alternative views open from 8am to 12pm every library through increased fund- have to be redirected to achieve of Hartley Library at 8.30am check out http://petition.susu. day - including weekends - dur- ing. the proposed changes but the in response to comments from org or contact [email protected]. ing the term. The student offic- One organiser explained: officers involved feel that the li- nursing students. He explained Additional research by Henry ers behind the petition told the “This petition is a way of as- brary is arguably the university’s the library staff “really do try Hardy. Wessex Scene that they hope to certaining student interest. If most-used resource. to respond to feedback, but we See Editorial page 8 gather over 2000 signatures. students don’t agree and don’t Some universities such as need to make sure feedback is The petition includes satel- want it, fair enough! At least we Leeds, Sheffield and Bath al- focused and provides evidence lite library sites and is request- listened and tried to get some- ready offer 24-hour facilities. about groups of students, rather ing services be “reviewed and thing done. If they do want it, ie The scheme was hailed a “great than individuals.” He said that extended and [for the libraries] lots of people sign it, then we’ll success” at Liverpool University, “24-hour opening during exam to be opened the same hours on fight for it.” following two pilot studies. One periods will be looked at [...] it is weekends as on weekdays.” The Wessex Scene raised is- student wrote, “It’s been a bril- not an unprecedented request.” The Library’s current opening sues about security and fund- liant help [...] the library atmos- Mr Brown highlighted that times are 8.30am to 10pm week- ing with the Sites Officer, who phere and ethos is great to work staffing, funding and security, days, 9am to 5pm Saturdays replied that “as a Students’ Un- in.” which would all need to be tak- and 9am to 10pm Sundays and ion we can’t and I wouldn’t like In an interview with the en into account when evaluat- it has come to the attention of to get into affairs of University Wessex Scene, the University’s ing feedback on opening hours the Sites team that many of the Staffing. If the petition is a hit, Head Librarian, Mark Brown, but was keen to stress that none Opening hours are under fire News

www.wessexscene.co.uk News in Mugging in city centre Brief Ashleigh Toll incident. The attack was unpro- voked and police are asking that Southampton police are appeal- any witnesses come forward to ing for witnesses after a first year assist with their enquiries. Any- student from the University was one with information is asked mugged in the city centre last to contact PC Carol Bowers at Laura Fewell month. The student was walking Southampton Central Police A New (College) Beginning with his friend towards a sub- Station on 0845 0454545, or way in the Kingsway area of the call Crimestoppers anonymously The University of Southamp- city at around 10pm on Tuesday on 0800 555 111. ton is one step closer to saying 24 January, when two men and Southampton is a safe city and goodbye to its New College a woman approached opposite experiences relatively low crime campus, having instructed its the Community Church. The at- rates in comparison to many property consultant to sell the tacker punched the student in other cities in the UK. How- site. Money generated from the the face several times and stole ever, officers are advising that sale will be used to build new fa- his mobile phone and £5 cash. students should remain vigilant cilities and buildings at Highfield The student suffered cuts and and aware of their surroundings to house those courses that were bruises to his face and was left when out in the city at night. based at New College, as well as badly shaken and distressed by Walking in groups is strongly going towards regenerating the the incident. advised and it is suggested that ECS department, following last The attacker is believed to be people should refrain from using year’s devastating fire. around 20 years old, and is de- subways if they feel their safety scribed as being 5ft 6ins tall and would be at risk. Students lack key skills of average build. He wore a grey Students constitute a signifi- Despite the attack, Southampton is one of the safest cities in UK hooded top with the hood pulled cant part of the city’s population; Britain’s top companies have up. The other man was of a simi- the University of Southampton Derrick, SUSU Vice-President be taken to avoid risking one’s warned that, despite a record lar age but about 6ft 3ins tall and Solent University together Welfare, suggests that there are safety”. number of graduates enter- and thin. He wore a dark base- have a student population of several measures that students By being vigilant, sticking with ing the job market this year, ball cap and a dark blue tracksuit over 30,000. The Students’ Un- can take to improve their safety your friends and planning your many will lack the basic skills top. The woman was white with ion operates a safety bus for when out and about during the journey home in advance, the for employment. Graduates are blond hair and a pony tail. those leaving the Cube in the evening. “Leaving venues as a likelihood of being approached charged with not having team- The student was contacted early hours, and there is also a group, keeping to well lit streets is reduced, and will mean that working and presentation skills with regards to this article but Nightlink bus service which runs and avoiding secluded places are your night out is memorable for as well as lacking understanding declined to comment on the throughout the city till late. Pete all simple measures which can the right reasons. of spelling and punctuation. Home Sweet Home: House hunt 2006 Kerry Standerwick the annoyingly well-rehearsed tainly not unusual. Nearly £13 pulous landlords. Perhaps more charade of agent-to-landlord- million of students’ money was worryingly, a housing and health Last week saw the release of to-agent buck-passing. unnecessarily withheld in the survey done by the National the Housing List, a directory of Withholding of deposits is cer- south-east in 2003 by unscru- Union of Students (NUS) has student houses in Southampton revealed that in 2001 a fifth of approved by the University, and Do Don’t students lived in houses without the SUSU Housing Week. Both smoke detectors, and nearly half aimed to assist, educate and pre- • Check the name of your land- • Hand over money without the students surveyed had never pare students for all aspects of lord with the Accommodation getting receipts seen a gas safety certificate - a renting a house and their timing Office who can advise you of document which landlords are coincides with many students known previous problems • Be rushed into making a de- legally obliged to display. Peter starting to consider where they cision - it’s better to lose your Derrick, Vice-President Welfare Your dream house? will be living next year. • Thoroughly inspect all of the (seemingly) dream house than at SUSU explained: “Students Housing is an important is- property to spend a year living with are no different from the rest www.accommodation.soton. sue; though students spend up damp, noisy neighbours and an of society in deserving to live in ac.uk and getting your contract to 80% of their income on rent • Get your contract checked by unscrupulous landlord safe houses, with working fire checked before you sign it. The it has long been recognised that the SUAIC or the Accommoda- alarms and safe appliances. The Students’ Union also produces this often pays for sub-stand- tion Office before signing it • Pay retainers - you could find Union is doing its utmost to en- an excellent booklet on Private ard accommodation. Jonathan you still lose the property, with sure that students are well-edu- Rented Housing, available on- Chandler, Chairman of the As- • Put in writing (and keep a no guarantee of getting your cated about house-hunting.” line at www.susu.org or from sociation of Student Residential copy of) any requests for re- money back This is undoubtedly a stress- the SUAIC. Accommodation, explained that pairs, furniture etc. ful time. Christine Winter, Man- Making use of the services students can be faced with a • Agree to move into a property ager of SUAIC, said “The best available could help students “nightmare” in the private ac- • Get written confirmation from in a poor state of repair advice at this time would be to avoid problems and prevent commodation sector. Common the landlord of any promises to don’t panic, there’s plenty of things going badly. If things do problems include landlords with- cary out repairs • Don’t trust everyone all the private rented accommodation go wrong, however, the SUAIC holding deposits often in excess time: “He seems like a nice in Southampton to go round.” offer free legal advice and has of £1000, not completing jobs in • Ask to see Corgi inspection man” is not a good reason to She encouraged using the Pri- close links with the Environmen- a reasonable amount of time and certificates for gas appliances give him £200 a month vate Rented Housing List from tal Health Department. News

Page 4 EU university student numbers rise Ben Boulton Interest in the subject of stu- Concerns have arisen due to the dent places and EU applicants predicted government’s commit- Concerns have been voiced by has grown substantially as a ment to the policy that 50% of both academics and leading fig- result of the recent expansion 18-30 year olds gain a university ures in Higher Education over of the EU to include 27 mem- education. Some estimates hold the capability of British universi- ber states. Eastern European that meeting the 50% target in ties to continue to accommodate students who would previously the light of increased EU stu- growing demand for British uni- have had to pay fees of up to dent competition will require the versity places from EU students £7000 or £8000 annually are creation of up to 250,000 new while also meeting government now entitled to education in places. At present, the Higher targets which hold that 50% of British institutions at the same Education Council has plans those aged between 18 and 30 rates as those enjoyed by Brit- to fund 5300 extra places for should attend university. ish students. However, British 2005-2006. This concern has been exac- students are still distinguished In the absence of increased erbated by the perceived unwill- from European counterparts by government investment in ingness of the British govern- an ability to apply for bursaries Higher Education, experts have ment to provide further funding and grants. recognised that access to higher for student places or even to Predicted increases in EU ap- education will become increas- acknowledge that any problem plications are based upon EU ingly competitive for some exists. Russell Grant (Incoming students’ recognition of the in- students. On the other hand, Russell Group chairman) con- ternational reputation of many individuals such as Barry Sheer- tends that: “It’s clear that places British universities coupled with man (Chairman of the Education for UK students in leading UK an appreciation of the interna- British students may less more choice due to EU student influx Commons Committee) have universities are starting to de- tional credibility of qualifications concluded that growing num- cline rather than increase.” provided by British institutions. A HEPI (higher education a present figure of around 5000 bers of highly qualified European Such reservations are also rel- Both of these factors were cited policy institute) publication individuals to 25,000-30,000 students could well contribute to evant to an Oxford University by accession country respond- predicts that by the end of the students. By 2007 it is predicted the continuation and expansion proposal to meet a £200 mil- ents in a MORI poll, from which decade the number of students that 91,000 students from the of previously under-subscribed lion shortfall by increasing the Britain emerged as the most from these accession countries EU will be studying in Britain. (In university courses effectively in- number of foreign students who popular country for potential who study at British institutions 2005, the total university popu- creasing the number of courses study at the university. university students. could potentially increase from lation in Britain was 404,668.) on offer to British students. Oxford students to sign contracts

Katy Hamilton not innately opposed to the idea Document is a list of helpful of a student contract; they were suggestions, the Student Entitle- Students planning to begin just opposed to the terms out- ment section is seen as being a courses at Oxford University in lined in this one.” list of obligations that the staff the next academic year could With the rise of tuition fees must adhere to. This issue will be find themselves being required in September, students expect discussed in the Education Com- to sign legally binding contracts more clarity as to what they are mittee, along with the potential forcing them to attend lectures. actually paying for. In response problems and benefits of intro- The student-college contract is to this, other universities around ducing a more binding student a response by the University to the country are already discuss- contract. the current era of litigation and ing the possibility of introducing One third year Southampton is intended to protect both stu- legal contracts of their own. student told the Wessex Scene: dents and colleges by outlining Southampton University’s Ed- “Students know what is expect- the obligations of both parties ucation Committee is currently ed of them when they come to in obtaining the best possible in talks about the matter. The university anyway. It is just good results. Effectively it will prevent current Student Entitlement and sense to follow the guidelines the legal battles that ensue from Student Guidance Document whether these form part of a students blaming the university Students concerned about possisble proseccutions lists the University’s expectations legal contract or not.” But Ox- for their failing their degree on of its students and also outlines ford students remain undecided. the grounds that they have not Union (OUSU) has only recently is a lack of commitment to mini- what students can expect from Some have expressed concerns been provided with enough aca- become aware of the radical mum standards on the colleges’ lecturers. But Vice President for that they may be prosecuted demic support. proposals and students have not part. They could potentially be Education, Katie Harper, is quick should they fall behind in their However, plans to ratify the yet been consulted. taken to court for failing to at- to point out that the document studies. While the University has contracts have been put on One of the initial responses tend classes, submit essays and is “in no way a contract in any tried to reassure students that it hold by the Oxford colleges and to the document by the OUSU complete practical work, but the form, merely guidelines.” is unlikely to come to this, there JCRs. It has come to light that, is that it is unclear. The Col- contract does not specify the However, some lecturers have is clearly some way to go before despite discussion about intro- lege is said to be responsible number of contact hours that argued that the exact wording any consensus is reached. ducing a more formal student for providing such teaching “as they can expect. OUSU Presi- of the document is unfair and Have your say at http:// contract over the last few years, it reasonably decides is neces- dent Emma Norris told The Ox- have called for it to be reviewed. forum.susu.org/susuforum- the Oxford University Students’ sary.” Students fear that there ford Student that “students are While the Student Guidance thread-36630.html. News

www.wessexscene.co.uk Scholar Ship sets sail

Ben Boulton week journey (£5600) provide ample motivation for the or- If you are one of those students ganisers, “cultural interaction” who like to mix work and pleas- aside. John Larkin, the firm’s ure, then the scholar ship may Marketing Manager, justifies well be just the thing for you. such prohibitive expenses by Heading off from Athens, the making reference to the “added scholar ship will set sail on a free- value” of such a programme. wheeling, 16-week-long tour As with some Blairite City of the world that encompasses Academies, design of the cur- sunny and exotic locations. The riculum is left in the hands of the scholar ship undoubtedly repre- consortium behind the scholar sents something of a sea change ship programme. Consultation in approaches to Higher Educa- between universities, students tion. and the consortium will deter- The scheme has already man- mine how on-board credits are aged to enlist support from uni- to be transferred to final degree versities in countries as diverse programmes. as China, Ghana and Mexico. Teaching methods will take Southampton University still has into account the personal needs yet to sign up to the scheme, al- of each student, with stops at though its nautical links would designated ports allowing stu- appear to make it a prime can- dents to disembark for NGO didate for such a venture and local business related activi- The scholar ship is legitimized ties. All courses will be taught in by advocates as a means by English and only undergraduates which intercultural exchange with a year at university behind and interaction can take place. them need apply. The first schol- Students of a more sceptical in- ar ship cruise is due to intrepidly clination may well point out that set sail in January 2007. Cruising on the high seas... the fees incurred for the 16- See comment page 8 HE liable for student mental health

Katy Hamilton that needs further develop- students to “take positive steps ment by universities. UCAS has to safeguard their own mental A recent report has highlighted already put safeguards in place health, in particular by taking that Higher Education institu- for mental health disabilities on regular and proper breaks.” tions are increasingly finding application forms in response to Though one of the most diffi- themselves liable for student the Disability Discrimination Act cult aspects to coping with men- mental health problems. The of 1995. tal health problems is in coming Harris Report, compiled by Law Despite the fact that univer- to terms with the problem itself Professor Neville Harris of the sities take the welfare of their and seeking help for it, there is University of Manchester, in- students very seriously, the wor- a range of support provided at vestigates the current trend of rying statistics from the Men- the University for anyone who students suing their universities. tal Health Foundation that one feels that they may need to Claims that changes in student in four people will experience make use of them, for example: funding have led to higher levels some form of mental illness in the University Counselling Serv- of mental illness, although as yet the course of a year cannot be ice ([email protected]); the unsubstantiated, have meant overlooked. The mental health student-run advice line, Night- that universities are seeking le- of students is thought to be line (02380 595236); and the gal advice. worse than that of the popula- mentor service for students who Academic institutions will Studies suggest students are once again under too much pressure tion as a whole. are vulnerable to the effects of need to protect themselves by But while the University does stress. All of these services are training staff to identify students that positively promote mental its risk assessment. This involves have a responsibility to make free to all students, and difficult who are vulnerable to the effects health and help prevent mental identifying the areas of student students aware of the services as the first call may be, students of stress. Southampton Uni- health problems” for both stu- life that are most likely to cause available to help them in times are encouraged to give them a versity’s Mental Health Policy dents and staff. intense or sustained stress. But of stress, the University believes try. For more information on sets out guidelines for creating Under the policy it is a legal the Harris Report also highlights the biggest responsibility lies these services visit www.soton. a “context, culture and appro- requirement that the University risk assessment in the admis- with the student in seeking help. ac.uk/study/studentservices/ priate services in the University considers work-related stress in sions procedure as a key area Southampton University expects healthandsupport.html. Politics

Page 6 Religious cartoons

Peter Rabbit Protests against the cartoons Clearly the solution to the have occurred in Europe and the issue will lie, in part, with the The satirical cartoons of the Middle-East, with a boycott be- moderate majorities of each cul- prophet Mohammed, first pub- ing placed on Danish goods in ture dealing with their extremist lished in the Danish paper Jyl- some Muslim nations. Things minorities. land-Posten late last year, have took a turn for the worse as But for many in the Middle- stirred up Europe-Middle East mobs began to attack European East the cartoons themselves are tension at a period where diplo- embassies in various middle- only part of the issue. They are macy is at its most strained. It eastern countries, an act which perceived to be symptomatic is hard to think that this might historically might have been in- of a perceived Islamophobia in even have taken on a role more terpreted as a declaration of war. Europe, a view shared by some disturbing than the Iranian nu- In the West Bank international Islamic British journalists. clear issue or Israeli-Palestinian monitors have evacuated their The Danish PM and newspa- diplomacy following the recent offices after being attacked. In per Jylland-Posten have apolo- victory of Hamas, yet this is ex- Iran a newspaper has gone so gised for the offence caused by actly what has happened, and far as to hold a contest for car- the cartoons, but they refuse to perhaps more surprisingly the toons satirising the Holocaust. apologise for the cartoons them- countries held to blame for the Yet, ironically, in Denmark selves, citing in their defence the issue are generally among the the nationalistic and xenophobic western tradition of satirising most highly regarded for their Danish People’s Party has found political and religious figures and tolerance, pacifism and diplo- a new respect for Danish Mus- the right to free speech. matic ability. lims, most of whom have acted This conflict appears to repre- According to Muslim tradi- in solidarity with the Danish sent the recent arguments in par- tion the prophet Mohammed government over the world’s re- liament over the government’s should not be depicted as an im- action to what was supposed to failed Religious Hatred Bill, a age. The issue was inflamed by be a domestic debate. Indeed, law proposed due to groups like the republishing of the cartoons although many Muslims took the BNP avoiding racial hatred in Norwegian, French, German, offence at the cartoons, it is of laws by using the word Mus- Austrian, Italian and Spanish course only a tiny minority who lim instead of referring to race. newspapers as well as Cardiff have advocated violence, and The problem can be reduced University’s student newspaper those who did have been con- to the question: is it enough to (the Editor of which was subse- demned by the Muslim Council have the right to free speech, or quently sacked) as an act of soli- of Britain as well as a number of should that right be accompa- darity with the Danish press. Arabic newspapers. nied by responsibilities? The Union sketch Linden Talbot ident. It is possible to rate this on our generation.” After several a scale from cooperative at one amendments, Council decided A friend of mine once described end to at each other’s throats at to pass the motion. Union Council as “boredom the other. In this instance, it was Motion 16 sought to rebel punctured by moments of dis- to be the former. from the National Student Sur- belief.” Although many would Elections were number six on vey, a project run by HEFCE, agree with this view (as shown the agenda and at their mention ipsos and our former friend, the by the constant change in repre- it was hard not to look around NUS. Criticising the inaccuracy sentatives for one committee or to try to spot the changes in of the survey, and citing many another) such an opinion seems people’s faces. Would they run? of the arguments raised in this somewhat unfair. True, the sec- Wouldn’t they run? But like ex- paper last issue, the President onds seem to slow down as the pert poker players, no obvious sought to pass the motion ask- minutes are passed, but who signs were displayed. ing students to award the Uni- could deny the exhilaration of The motions kicked off with versity the maximum mark in reviewing budgets? yet another environmental is- every category. Despite minor The Sabbatical Reports are a sue: leaving the lights on in the criticism, the motion passed. perfect example in how enter- Union during the day. From the Other motions included one tainment is not so much about number of motions they bring passed in an act of comradeship content as presentation, ranging to Council it appears that the with alumni to ensure that they from the mediocre to the hilari- Environmental and Ethics Com- can still get a drink at our bars, ous, with questions being asked mittee use the most paper out poor things. by those with genuine concerns, of any committee in the Union, With the adjournment of as well as the usual suspects. including the Wessex Scene. The Council, the various representa- Perhaps the most comical ele- first speech in favour of the mo- tives were able to retreat back ment of Sabbatical involvement tion pointed out the importance to their committees to lick their in Council is the interaction be- of preventing global warming, wounds before the next meeting tween Union Chair and the Pres- “the greatest danger facing in three weeks time. Letters

www.wessexscene.co.uk

president. The military is not remarks and operations. Despite and social state governed by the bly of Turkey against terrorists. Turkey’s supposed to play a political role his background, he has been rule of law; bearing in mind the Then there is the Orhan or be autonomous. In Turkey’s pretty secular in his politics late- concepts of public peace, na- Pamuk issue. In the article it is admission case, the military traditionally ly and has been coming up with tional solidarity and justice; re- said that he “wrote about Turk- had very significant power in laws in line with the EU candi- specting human rights; loyal to ish WWI atrocities”. I suppose to the EU politics. This power was exer- dacy program. The statement the nationalism of Ataturk, and the author is referring to the so- cised by the regular, obligatory in the article is absurd, since the based on the fundamental te- called Armenian Genocide. Well, Dear Editor, meetings of the National Secu- religion never had an overt pres- nets set forth in the Preamble.” firstly, he didn’t write about it, I have a few comments about rity Council (NGC), which con- ence in Turkish politics before he gave an interview to a Swiss the article Clash of Civilisations sisted of the Cabinet Ministers the last few governments. In In the third paragraph of the publication in which he said: by Alistair Brockbanks (19 Janu- on one side and the Generals on the article it was also suggested article: “...harsh treatment by “Thirty thousand Kurds and a ary 2006). As a Turkish citizen, I the other. Ministers had to take that Turkey should be culturally Turkey of its Kurdish popula- million Armenians were killed in am happy to see such a complex into consideration the Generals’ European to join the EU. What tion...” is written. Let me give these lands and nobody but me issue as Turkey’s EU candidacy demands. As part of EU candi- does this mean? Is being ‘Euro- you some background detail. A dares to talk about it.” There are being discussed in the Wessex dacy program, the Council has pean’ to do with land, religion, group of Marxist Kurdish guer- very differing opinions on this Scene. However, there were a significantly reduced its role in or something else? The Ottoman rillas have been involved in a issue and none has been proven. few points in the article which I Turkish politics and its resolu- Empire’s borders once stretched violent separatist movement in Whether Pamuk is right or not, thought were badly researched tions seized to be obligatory to to Austria. From the land point eastern Turkey since 1984. In any the ‘genocide’ is not officially and there were some others follow. Therefore, it can be said of view, Turkey is historically as modern country, this would be recognised by most countries, which did not represent a neu- that the military is now less au- European as any other eastern called terrorism, or even treason. including Turkey, the United tral point of view. tonomous and more dependent European country. So this leaves These terrorists were performing States and the United Kingdom. To begin with, let’s take the on the democratically elected religion. Is the author suggesting indiscriminate attacks on military The United Nations also does second paragraph under the government. that having an Islamic popula- personnel and civilians in all parts not recognise it. Countries who spotlight. It is mentioned that In the article it is said that “... tion is not good enough to join of the country. The Turkish mili- have called these WWI events “the Turkish military has since the overt presence of religion the ‘Christian’ EU? Mind you, tary was deployed and has been ‘genocide’ include Armenia, Cy- become autonomous”. I don’t in politics has been diminished having an Islamic government fighting against the combatant prus, the Vatican City, France, get this. Is the autonomy of with the election of secular and an Islamic population are separatists since, although the Greece and some others. There- military a good thing? In secu- leaders such as the PM Recep two very different things. I sug- fighting has cooled down signif- fore, the statement in the article lar, democratic and modern so- Erdogan ...”. This is an unusual gest the author reads the sec- icantly due to the capture of the has disputed neutrality as it does cieties the military is never au- statement, considering Erdogan ond article of the Constitution separatist leader Ocalan. Is this not discuss differing points of tonomous and it is completely is probably the prime minister of Turkey: “harsh treatment” of a “popu- view. dependent on the orders it gets with the deepest Islamic roots to lation”? It is a military operation from the country’s national as- ever lead Turkey. He even once “ARTICLE 2. The Republic of authorised by the democratically Yours sincerely, sembly, MPs, ministers and its went to jail for his anti-secular Turkey is a democratic, secular elected Grand National Assem- Javit Erginsoy

complete their degree if they mp3 player and specialised soft- Free laptops could not take notes in lectures ware for a dyslexic student, it (one of the main uses of a lap- does not fully cover the costs of hardly free top), or, in lieu of that, record equipment needed by severely the lectures (the use of the disabled students, so compro- Dear Editor, “free” mp3 player). A student mises have to be made or chari- In Luke Catterson’s article PCs I know had her voice recorder table funding sought. This takes for a PC World? (8 December stolen, and had to put notices up study time. 2005) Mr Catterson asserts that up around our School with pleas I am sure that most of your laptops are “handed out”. This for it to be returned. As far as readers would be able to get a is far from true. I may not be value goes, it was much more job whether they get a good dyslexic, but I am disabled and than “a free mp3 player”. degree or not - for some of us thus had to go through the same Personally, if I did not have it’s important to get a good process to receive this “hand a “free laptop”, I would not be degree and reference so that out”. Up-to-date medical and able to interact in lectures being when employers do their cost- psychological reports must be unable to see the presentation or benefit analysis of whether its provided to even reach the as- write notes. I would not be able worth taking a disabled person sessment phase of this process. to participate equally in group or on, it comes out in our favour. Then you have to go through an practical work or indeed do any I feel fairly safe in saying that I assessment (mine was two and form of exam except a viva. could never develop the skills to a half hours) which, while trying Whilst undoubtedly there are become a cleaner, for example, to be as constructive as possible, students who play the system, and some dyslexic people would looks at everything you are una- they are a distinct minority. One struggle if they looked for em- ble to do (all very morale boost- view that makes me feel sorry ployment in a call centre. ing). After that, you must wait for dyslexic students (or indeed It would be nice if people for the vagaries of NHS or LEA anyone with a hidden disability could think when they see some- funding to kick in; my equip- who needs to use extra equip- one with a laptop (or any other ment arrived in January (not too ment), is that somehow people equipment) and not automati- helpful for semester one). like myself (with a visible disabil- cally assume that the person is The process is innately stress- ity) should be entitled to “a free either rich, a scrounger (as could ful, and surely not something laptop”, as it is essential for me be inferred from Mr Catterson’s someone would choose to go to do my degree, but dyslexics article) or someone who must through just to “get a free lap- should not. be treated very delicately, differ- top”? It might be useful for Mr An issue which I find more ently and carefully. Catterson, and others who feel important is that whilst Disa- the same way, to think about bled Students Allowance (DSA) Yours sincerely, how they would manage to is sufficient to cover a laptop, Felicity Burgess Comment

Page 8 The Wessex The Scholar Scene Team Do we want 24 hours? Ship? This fine publication was Gareth Hynes the money for this come from? according to the Library the oth- brought to you by... Union Council recently voted er options that exist for putting Ben Boulton On the face of it the petition for to oppose the inevitable Top forward such a request have not The Scholar Ship. What a joke. 24-hour library opening during Up Fees, yet now members of been properly explored by the It attempts to justify itself by Editor-in-Chief exam periods is a good thing. the Union are demanding more campaigners. continually making reference to Laura Fewell Students are getting out there money for student services. The SUSU member leading the educative value of such an [email protected] and making their voices heard Don’t be surprised if the Uni- the petition claims they want experience. Its website gushes over a matter important to all. to make it “easy for students to interminably about “intercul- Editor Notes accompanying the peti- speak out.” But is this really such tural immersion through shared Gareth Hynes tion even promote selflessness: “ a sledge a good thing? If people cared experience” and “the develop- [email protected] potential signatories are told enough about library opening ment of intercultural leadership they should sign even if the mat- times that, say, they might ac- skills.” With trips to locations News Editor ter is not important to them as hammer tually use the library at 4.00am, as diverse as Casablanca, Bue- Robbie Breen it’s bound to benefit someone. they’d fill in the response cards nos Aires and Cape Town, the [email protected] On closer examination, howev- the Library has for this very logic behind “the scholar ship” News Editor er, such a petition raises several to crack a purpose (though admittedly appears to be that of an ex- concerns. these could do with being bet- tended getaway. Attempting to Paul Lenihan The aims of the petition are ter publicised). The petition just legitimise what is effectively an [email protected] questionable and their impli- nut ” asks whether people would like enjoyable four month holiday as Features Editor cations ill thought through. Is extended hours, not whether “a semester long academic pro- working at 4.00am during exam versity tells us where to stick it. they’d actually make use of gram” reeks of insincerity. Mike Anderson times healthy? Is walking home That funding the extra services them. Even with 2000 signatures For those for whom educa- [email protected] at 4.30am safe? (Not everyone is “up to the [University] man- it will carry little clout. tion is more about experience Features Editor will make use of the safety bus agement” is not an acceptable If, because of this petition, than learning, the Scholar Ship even if the logistics of putting argument. money is found, the hours are may well be just the thing. Craig Williams one on are ever worked out.) Matters such as this need to extended and students make Unquestionably, it provides an [email protected] What about nights there are be addressed before such dra- good, safe use of them, it will interesting variation upon year Societies Editor events in the Union; how would matic action is taken. A petition have been an unlikely success. long university exchange pro- one prevent drunken students is a fairly drastic tool, usually the One can’t help feeling though grammes. However, I can’t help Peter Rabbit taking a hilarious ‘trip to the li- last resort of those who have that it’s something akin to taking feeling that the Scholar Ship will [email protected] brary’? Moreover, where will exhausted all other options. Yet a sledgehammer to crack a nut. go the way of the Titanic. Sport Editor Alex Hayes [email protected]

Proof Reader: Tom Camfield

Deadline for submissions for next issue: 27th Feb- ruary 2006. However, this does vary with each section so please email the section editors directly

Wessex Scene Highfield Southampton SO17 1BJ

Advertising queries Ben Fishlock 023 8059 5486 [email protected] The Wessex Scene is available in other formats. Email: [email protected] Elections Manifestos

www.wessexscene.co.uk SUSU Elections 2006 Campaigns Launch lowing his two years as leader of participation, particularly impor- She said, “we Simon Cable the Students’ Union, a period of tant in light of the University’s have been try- Activity on campus is likely to time that has seen the business recent pledge to formally recog- ing to make reach fever pitch in the next few turn its finances around and the nise extra-curricular activities. the Union rel- weeks as the annual Students’ Cube nightclub really take off. The Vice-President Student evant to all Union Executive elections kick Four people are competing for Activities is no more as of the students. The off. Prepare yourselves to be ac- pole position in the race for Vice- start of of July, but fear not, Tom number of candi- costed by ne’er-do-wells with President Media & Communica- is alive and well. The position dates is enourag- eye-grabbing slogans across tions, the winner of which will has been reverted to its original ing as it suggests their chests, promising you the become the new Editor-in-Chief state of AU President, following that we have been world in return for your support of this fine publication. Far from its restructuring back in 2001. successful in bringing student at the polling station. being a four-horse race, a vari- There is also fierce competi- politics to the masses.” A record-breaking number ety of farmyard animals want a tion for the post of Vice-Presi- Campaigning begins in ear- of students have nominated piece of the action. dent Education & Representa- nest on Monday 20th February. themselves for positions in this The most sought-after posi- tion, a position that has in previ- Hustings and a candidate ques- Andy told the Wessex Scene year’s elections. A staggering 26 tion is that of Vice-President ous years been regarded as “less tions and answer session will be that he hopes to beat this figure: candidates have gone head-to- Welfare & Societies, a new post fun” than the other roles. Katie held in the Stag’s Head on Tues- “Nottingham University has the head in what promises to be one following the removal of socie- Harper, the current VP Educa- day 21st February at 12 noon highest turnout of students vot- of the most exciting elections in ties as a responsibility of the tion has successfully injected and again in the Winchester SU ing in any Students’ Union elec- recent years. Vice-President Student Activities some much-needed glamour to building on Thursday 23rd at tions with around 5,000 student Five hopefuls will battle it out (which now becomes AU Presi- the role. 12.30pm. voters and it is our goal to beat to win the hearts - and votes dent). Six candidates will be vy- SUSU Vice-President Com- Andy Wilson hopes that the that and be the best Union in - of Southampton University ing for the affections of society munications for the past two student body will get into the the country.” students in the Presidential elec- members SUSU-wide, as they years, Laura Fewell, told the spirit of things and that voter Ballot boxes open on Mon- tion. The winner will be taking bid to convince students that Wessex Scene of the current ex- turn-out will be good. Last year, day 27th at the University’s over from Andy Wilson, regard- they have what it takes to lead ecutive team’s excitment at the 3,700 students had their say - main campuses, and online at ed as something of a titan fol- this enormous area of student increased interest in the Union. 19% of those eligible to vote. http://elections.susu.org. Union President Union President Elections Manifestos

Page 10 Union President Union President VP Media & CommunicationsVP Media Union President Elections Manifestos

www.wessexscene.co.uk VP Media & CommunicationsVP Media VP Media & Communications VP Welfare & Societies VP Media & Communications Elections Manifestos

Page 12 VP Welfare & Societies VP Welfare & Societies Welfare VP VP Welfare & Societies VP Welfare & Societies Welfare VP Elections Manifestos

www.wessexscene.co.uk VP Education & Representation VP Welfare & Societies Welfare VP VP Education & Representation VP Education & Representation VP Education Elections Manifestos

Page 14 AU President VP Education & Representation VP Education Wi nchester President AU President AU Elections Manifestos

www.wessexscene.co.uk Societies Officer Societies Societies Officer Equal Opps Officer Equal Opps OfficerEqual Arts

Page 16 An introduction to THEATRE

What is theatre? Megan Westcott important to the theatre audi- Theatre is the telling of stories. ences of today. Whether these stories are impro- to indicate characters. A black vised by the actors themselves, wig indicated a young man, a Adapting novels for the stage adapted from novels or short red wig a slave and a yellow tas- Jane Eyre is an example of a stories, or written from scratch sel a God, for example. stage adaptation of a popular by a playwright, they always During the Middle Ages, the- novel. It is quite a task to take on serve to entertain their audience. atre became much more popu- an adaptation like this: whereas This entertainment has meant lar in Europe. The fashion was the novelist conveys narrative different things to different ages to create Latin language biblical exclusively through the use of and today its use is more general dramas, reflecting the religious verbal language, the playwright than ever, with some plays being values of Europeans of the time. must use both visual and ver- humorous while others are chal- However, local drama quickly bal means. For example, when lenging or controversial. developed the use of native the novelist writes: “He got up languages became widespread. instantly” (Jane Eyre, Chap- The development of theatre This period of theatre develop- ter Five), the director and actor Although today we may be used ment also saw the first use of must work together to show a to seeing productions in all their female performers in most Euro- middle aged man getting up. technical glory with multico- pean countries. Another issue to be considered loured lighting, rotating sets and Renaissance theatre brought is the narrative voice; in a book famous actors, theatre has far with it the great playwrights: the story is usually told by one more humble origins. Shakespeare, Marlowe and of the protagonists and hence is The Greeks were the first to Molière among others. This open to their biases. In a play it create a form of theatre. How- period saw the development is generally accepted that what ever, the type of theatre they of theatre architecture, stage is being shown on stage did ac- created was more the precedent equipment, coloured lighting tually happen. Some adaptations to opera, combining drama, mu- and more sophisticated sets. The chose to challenge this accepted sic and choruses. popularity of drama reached its view though, as Shared Experi- It was the Romans who took climax in this period. Particularly ence have done (see below), the first step towards theatre as in England the hearts of nation and by so doing can make vis- we recognise it today. They be- were captured by its intelligence, ible what is often hidden by the gan using costume in their plays feeling and fun – features just as written word. Poor lonely orphan visits The Nuffield

Jane Eyre performed by Shared equal. use of the same actor to play was an unnecessary irritation; Experience, 7 February 2006, To illustrate the conflict be- both main male religious influ- it served no purpose other than The Nuffield Theatre tween Jane’s passionate and ences (the schoolmaster and St dubiously illustrating Rochester’s moral self these aspects of Jane’s John) were thought-provoking. sexual desires, and was genu- As a novel, Jane Eyre is of the character were played by differ- Nigel Warmington’s set was inely unfunny. Other aspects Gothic romantic school. Narrated ent actors: the passionate side brilliant, a wrecked staircase provided but minor annoyances: retrospectively by Jane herself, it kept locked in the attic writh- leading up to a near empty attic Octavia Walters’ French accent follows the poor, plain, unloved ing and stomping continuously, room pitched against a beauti- needs work, and the phrase girl as she grows up. At its heart the sensible side as the Jane that fully cloudy sky wholly evoked “try and” rather than “try to” it has many themes: the struggle interacts with the other charac- both the Gothic and romantic sneaked through at one point, a between passion and morality; ters. These two are united at the aspects of the novel. And the grammatical mistake the likes of the rigid class system of Victo- end as Jane resolves the central on-stage cellist complimented which would have been unac- rian England; feminism; and the conflict by finding that it is pos- many of the scenes to perfec- ceptable to Victorian ears. role of religion. In this produc- sible to both marry for love and tion. However, much of the play Jane Eyre at The Nuffield tion, director Polly Teale of the be an equal to one’s partner. In Monica Dolan, playing Jane was excellently realised, the Ja- hugely-respected Shared Experi- an interesting twist common drawn out comparison (the sec- Eyre, was weak though; her idea maican scene being an absolute ence theatre group has focused to literary interpretations but ond closing of the attic door on of investing a speech with pow- highlight (though the choice of very much on the emotional as- brought to the stage for the first the mad one inside lasted very er seemed to be – to slow down Spanish flamenco as the dance pects of the journey, from Jane’s time here, the passionate side long) and suggests, perhaps in- – and add – pointed pauses, here was odd). The set was ex- beginnings as an unwanted child of Jane’s nature becomes the advertently, that our passionate something from which even the ceptional, the acting deliberately through a loathsome school, to insane, locked-away wife of Mr sides are actually some sort of most dour nature would baulk. exaggerated and movement her passionate awakening as Mr Rochester, cleverly suggesting primaeval or animal madness. The inclusion of a human ac- unusually well-choreographed. Rochester’s governess and love, these characters are both just as- Clever interpretations did oc- tor to play a dog, who walked Overall, an interesting and en- then to ardent desire, moral con- pects to Jane’s character, or fig- cur elsewhere; St John’s images on stage every so often amid joyable interpretation. flict, and eventually the freedom ments of her imagination. Inter- of hell transforming into the fire great laughter from sections of Reviewed by Kerry Standerwick and happiness in the love of an esting though this was, it was a at Mr Rochester’s house and the the crowd to nuzzle crotches, and Gareth Hynes Arts

www.wessexscene.co.uk Innovative jazz The pink atomic boy

The Brad Mehldau Trio, 7 Feb- fortably within physical limits: After Hiroshima: Nuclear Imagi- ruary 2006, The Turner Sims I trust a broken drumstick is a naries by Siumee Keelan exhibits Concert Hall rare occurrence. Similarly, Gren- at The Millais Gallery adier keeps predominantly to Well-known classics by Ra- the lower registers on stringed At first glance, the combination diohead, Paul Simons and The bass, although he proves himself of mixed media and painting Beatles were performed along- equally as haunting as Mehldau seem only a perfunctory lay- side jazz and Broadway pieces in the bowed introduction to out of pieces dealing with the by innovative jazz pianist and Winter Tune. representation of destructive composer Brad Mehldau and his Third in the programme, Radi- power. On closer inspection, trio at The Turner Sims Concert ohead’s Knife’s Out was perhaps however, one begins to see the Hall recently. an unwise stylistic genre choice more panoramic use of space Rich in lyrical content and (although a previous cover of and technology in the exhibit’s elegantly expressing his classi- Paranoid Android was far more startling vision. After Hiroshima cal training, Mehldau’s music is successful) with insistent dance- aims to show different aesthetic a far cry from contemporaries like rhythms appearing to drive responses to the catastrophe of The Bad Plus, despite their com- mere substance as opposed to the Hiroshima bombing of 1945 Man rides through town with an inflatable atomic bomb ing from similar backgrounds promoting content more suited by looking at the cultural meta- and using similar instruments. to an aggressive, virtuosic deliv- phors and narratives that have riding across a landscape with turing fragments of Hiroshima’s Where the latter’s fierce energy ery. emerged since. The exhibition’s a big pink missile an amusing annual memorial; the pictures of and musical incentives appear Even Mehldau’s own com- been brought to the Millais by comment on America’s hunt for an empty stadium, birds in flight more concerned with the play- position, Day is Done, at times the curator Siumee Keelan to weapons of mass destruction. and an oleander plant have a fulness of parody, Mehldau’s ex- appeared to overtly focus on commemorate the 60th anni- More lurid was Alex Hunt- lyricism showing the harmony ploration is that of the spiritual the development of fragmented versary of the dropping of the er’s elongated oil painting Nu- of the world in motion. Visitors and the far more serious nature motifs rather than attempting atomic bomb on Japan, and raise clear Demon that depicts a giant are likely to find the adhesive of melodic, harmonic and devel- more adventurous periods of money for a special cancer treat- winged entity engulfing every- style of Tolleck Winner’s glass opmental beauty. controlled chaos. ment unit at Kingston Hospital. thing in classic Tsunami style. sculptures and Mark Bolitho’s Yet, at times these concerns Yet, all in all an enjoyable Kazuya Kanemaru’s video Lit- Elsewhere Jacqueline Morreau’s huge origami structure History appear to constrain a natural en- evening, with the encore provid- tle Japan uses a balloon replica paintings subvert the iconic of 1000 Cranes make dramatic ergy that is still to be detonated. ing the central highlight; an una- of the A-bomb fixed to a bicycle symbolism of burning oil fields impressions. This, in effect, un- Drummer Jeff Ballard, although bashedly heart-rending cover of and taken on a journey through and Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man to derlines the exhibit’s formal use dynamic throughout, works not the Beatle’s classic She’s Leaving the city. It documents the art- make a vivid appendage for the of space and design to explore within the boundaries of musi- Home could not but ensure a ist’s search for a deeper under- nuclear age. the destructive power of art and cal ability (the group’s talent is sense of approval. standing in a spontaneous way. Mutsumi Tsuda’s photos offer technology. undeniable) but certainly com- Reviewed by Clare Mence I found watching a tiny man a more comforting vision by cap- Reviewed by Edward Learman What’s On Edward Scissorhands Jonathan Lasker, Patrick Heron, Katie Pratt La Serenissima The Mayflower, 14-18 February, £10-30 The John Hansard, 14 February - 8 April, free Turner Sims, 21 February, £10-20 Matthew Bourne showcases his magical new ballet and This exhibition (below) explores the process of cause and Exploring Italian violin concertos from 1690-1740. dance adaptation of the classic Tim Burton motion picture. effect within the work of three painters from three genera- Critically acclaimed and worth a look. tions. The Wessex Scene had a quick look - it’s good. Susheela Raman Editor’s Choice Editor’s Choice Turner Sims, 25 February, £8-15 Laid back, sultry and award-winning jazz. Jason and the Argonauts The Nuffield, 14-18 February, £8-15 Mozart Weekend An epic tale of Gods, men and monsters, this is the trip of Turner Sims, 4 - 5 March, £9-18 a lifetime – and you’re invited (just not personally). “Unre- Celebrating Mozart’s 250th anniversary in style. Concerts servedly recommended” The Sunday Times.

George Galloway Heath Robinson Exhibition The Nuffield, 19 February, £10-18 City Art Galllery, 3 Feb - 2 April, free Kings and Queen Q & A. Watch in awe as Galloway finds a way to Exhibiting 100 of Robinson’s original and quite The Phoenix, Boldrewood, 1 March, £4 blame his Celebrity BB fiasco on Tony Blair... frankly weird drawings and paintings. The French smash hit filled with keen observations on sexual politics, psychology and family roles. Peter Pan The Nuffield, 1-4 March, £8-12 After Hiroshima: Nuclear Imaginaries Corpse Bride Southampton University Theatre Group presents The Millais, 13 Jan - 25 Feb, free Union Films, Union Building, 26 February, £2 the haunting tale of adventure and dreams. See review above. Burton’s new film, nearly as good as Nightmare Film Exhibitions Theatre

Note: listings are neither comprehensive nor infallible. Please ring ahead! (Remember to ask for your student discount.) The Nuffield Theatre: 023 8067 1771; The Mayflower Theatre: 023 8071 1811; The John Hansard Gallery: 023 8059 2158; The Millais Gallery: 023 8031 9916; The Turner Sims Concert Hall: 023 8059 5151; The Phoenix Cinema: 08707650763. Picture above: Jonathan Lasker, Canaletto 1988. (Canaletto was a C18 Ventian artist!) Page 18 WSX www.wessexscene.co.uk Editorial Stick with Nick for 2006 Nicholas W Brown Jr. safe, student bubble for us all to live in. No more creepy locals or Elections are coming! All over insolent kids trespassing on our Southampton, students are be- property. Mickey Anderson coming frenetic with excitement Private accommodation is before going back to watching more of a hassle every year. I Valentines’ Day has past for Lost, or The OC or whatever it pledge to get rid of the approved another year, and it made us is that passes for television these University list and let any land- at WSX Features a bit broody. days. lord advertise for student ten- We wonder if it is all worth it. With voter inertia reaching ants. If the accommodation of- We decide it’s not. Then we ar- ‘stoner’ levels I present to you fice can’t house students ably in gue about it in print. The Devil’s an alternative. When the ego- their own halls, what right have Advocate returns! We also real- bubble bursts and the infrastruc- they to tell students where they ise that being filthy is great, we ture collapses in on itself, who’ll should and should not live. Not give advice on cheating, and for be there to pick up the pieces? only will this allow a fair playing all you ladies out there we have Me. This is my vision of the fu- field for all landlords and letting some misogynistic ramblings ture. This is my manifesto. agents, the increased competi- that you may find patronising. My first pledge is to scrap the tion will drive down rent prices. Enjoy it. Union democratic structure, in- I pledge to cover up the glass With the Students’ Union elec- cluding all executive officers. The side of the Jubilee Sports Hall. tions in the pipeline it seemed Executive body will be replaced Really, come on. It’s just wrong. only fair that we put forward a by a specially-appointed Com- There’s been recent com- candidate. Have a peek at his mission with executive powers. plaints about the Library open- manifesto. I would have loved to All Council meetings will be ing times. Don’t worry, readers, sway the votes of our readers by scrapped to get rid of all point- these cries have not fallen on You won’t vote for me?! Phil, get the hammer... publishing a heaped propaganda less debating. Student members deaf ears, only half deaf ears. review of the elections but it was may approach the Commission (The other ear is closed to your is suitable for public broadcast. people. If you have money, you not to be, so cynicism is the only with requests only on the day of pathetic moaning.) I pledge to Surge Radio will be converted drive a car, if you’re poor you option they left me. Try to find my daughter’s wedding. All elec- shorten opening hours across all into a talk radio station, playing walk and if you’re a hippy you the subliminal political message tions and votes will be scrapped, University library facilities. Let’s recordings of physiology lec- cycle. And no more safety bus. in the opposite article. It’s like a they’re just silly. see how long it takes Johnny or tures for eight hours every day. How are students meant to learn magic eye puzzle! If you stare at No more integration into Jenny Layabout to get a spring The Union cinema will show the value of independence and it long enough your eyes will get the wider community. We’re in their step when their window only early silent German melo- responsibility if the Union taxis sore. That’s politics for you. always told about how we’re of opportunity for learning is dramas to expand the minds of them home and tucks them in at It also seemed appropriate to ‘part of Southampton’ and have tightened to mere moments. our faltering youth. From what I night with a mug of cocoa and a pay homage to the greatest tele- a ‘healthy relationship with the The Union has built up a di- understand, this will most likely kiss on the forehead? visual feat of the year, nay, ever: local community’. Who actually verse number of events catering be heralded as a ‘refreshing My name is Nicholas Brown. Celebrity Big Brother. Is it better wants this? Was there a vote I to all musical styles and tastes. change’ and increase audiences You may not stick with me now, than Shakespeare? Coriolanus missed? I pledge to purchase This has got to stop. I pledge to two-fold. but just like that girl whose shins or King Lear I hear you cry? Nei- the land between the main cam- control music output, vetting all I pledge to scrap the finan- I broke, you’ll come crawling ther, a different one, I reply. puses and erect a security fence tracks via a team of my crack cial black-hole that is UniLink. back. They all come crawling Mickey. 5. etc. around the perimeter, creating a music experts to ascertain what Buses are for school kids and old back. A handy guide to student housing Ben Parker really annoying to have you be- don’t accept it. You won’t be fully, there are a lot of danger- 6. Some landlords will do any- coming one of those smug do- able to get comfortable on any ous people about. (By the way thing to squeeze in some extra Have you noticed everyone mestic couples. To avoid this, try chair that doesn’t smell of dried- Tim, if you’re reading this, you tenants. Make sure the kitchen seems to be talking about mov- to be as unattractive as you can. on urine and the slow, inexora- couldn’t post me a key for the hasn’t been rented out to 1890’s ing into houses? To help out, Wear a full suit of armour at all ble decay of old age. new lock could you? I think your Texas. the Wessex Scene would like to times, and start talking about phone’s broken too, and I’d like present a guide to choosing the your philosophical beliefs and 4. Really spend some time to get my spare SS uniform out 7. Most importantly: check right house and housemates for personal morals. Become a eu- with your potential housemates in time for the Fuhrer’s birth- the area you’re going in live in. you: nuch, die alone. before you move in. They might day.) Not many people want to live in seem OK to live in with in halls, an area full of drug-dealing, van- 1. Make sure you don’t want 2. Make sure the house has but then you live with them for 5. Think about the ratio of dalism and cars being set on fire, to start a relationship with any- gravity in it. This is especially im- three months, and find out they housemates to toilets. If there so make sure the neighbours will one you live with. Not because portant in the toilet. like to listen to Wagner and pa- are more than three people per be cool with you doing all that. it might end up being awkward rade about talking about the toilet, encourage someone to go if you break up, but because it’s 3. If the furniture isn’t chintz, “master-race”. Pick very care- feral in the back garden. Features

Page 20 Devil’s Advocate Valentine Special

Show the one you love how much they mean to you by buying as many cards and cuddly bears as possible - but why bother with relationships at all? Jack Arnott and Mike Anderson discuss the pros and cons.

Jack Arnott - Ahh a beer tap, which sex came out Mickey Anderson - Eurgh babbling fools. “It would be nice of, that you could pull as much if you would perform the act of The post-valentine period, co- as you want at any time of the There are a number of reasons oral sex on me” doesn’t have inciding with the emergence day. Only in a relationship can why we should never enter re- the same ring or power as Rod- of spring where changes in the the quantity and quality of this lationships. These are some of man. Worship Rodman. moon’s gravitational pull on the sex beer be constant. them: earth almost triple our natural sex 6. Relationships immediately hormone levels, is a time where 2. Character development. 1. Having to make yourself age you 30 years or so. You love in all shapes and sizes is on Only your other half can truly vomit. There is nothing worse buy each other slippers. You go everyone’s minds. These bio- know how annoying you are. than catching yourself saying “I out for dinner instead of drinks. logical urges combined with an Friends that see you for small wuv woo-woo” in public. The You sometimes stay in. You talk instinctive desire to hold hands amounts of time can put up countless evenings spent with about the future as though it re- with people means that in Feb- with flaws, but your girlfriend or fingers down your throat grows ally matters. You get fat. ruary more new romances be- boyfriend will inform you of that wearisome and money spent on gin, or almost begin, than at any annoying facial tic or personal milk of magnesia mounts up. 7. Falling in love is the worst. other time. No wonder Grego- odour, and you will become a Technically, falling out of love is rian scholars named this month better person. 2. Having to apologise. We the worst. Psychologists state February, which translates as all know we never do anything that if you truly love someone ‘The Month of Lurrrrrrrve’ in 3. Double your friends. When wrong. But while in a relation- it can take up to seven years some languages. you enter into a relationship, all ship one must accept fault from to get over them. Just think of Sadly, for many young love- your partner’s friends become time to time. This can become what you could be doing with birds, this special time is spoiled yours. This makes you feel more tiresome for the more perfect your time instead. You could be- by a hesitance to enter into to popular, and gives you more of you. A non-lovey can tell this come a doctor in that time and what we call a ‘relationship’, scope for other relationships as person by the beige light that ef- perform broken heart surgery on where two people inexplicibly you will meet more people of fervesces from their perfect little your poor woeful self. Or your promise not to smell or touch any the opposite sex. head. could lighten up and stop minc- member of their partner’s gen- ing. der, and not to go to the cinema 4. Free stuff. Even if you are 3. Women are insane, men and see Get Rich or Die Tryin’ the man and have to buy pretty are wankers. This is a volatile 8. You have to like James when they want to see Memoirs things for her, in the end you will combination often best avoided. Blunt. of a Geisha. Just like Marcus, the always end up in profit from a Being with a man or a woman character 50 Cent expertly por- relationship. Considering food is tough enough without hav- Philosophers through the ages trays in the aforementioned film, eaten at parent’s houses and ing to try to understand the have backed up the idea that all people today are more interest- money saved on expensive sin- other race. Homosexuals have other people are rubbish. They ed in quick thrills and ‘hos’ than gles only hobbies like hang-glid- it worse as they know just how are correct. It is their job to know a long stable relationship. ing, the average relationshipee insane/wankerous their own sex these things. Why people seem This hesitancy to commit can spends about four pounds less really is. Straight people at least to need to attach themselves to be attributed to many factors. than a singleton every week. have the option of denial. someone else can be summed Recently relationships have been up by the key-hole theory. It is given a bad name by high-pro- 5. Hygiene. Only in a rela- 4. Sex isn’t hard to find. One said in the Ancient stories of the file celeb break-ups such as Jen tionship can you get someone does not need to be attached hero Crow that man and woman and Brad and Barry Chuckle and to squeeze zits on your back, to have sex. In some places you were created by severing a worm his wife. Also, the ‘sassy and sin- and wash you while you sleep. can find sex for very reasonable half, the head of which dove up gle’ and ‘up for it’ image is seen Also your back will never be as prices with very reasonable look- inside the women’s stomach and by many women to be more ap- clean as when washed by some- ing people. Even with uglies it’s the tail end hung from the man pealing in our ‘ladette’ culture, one else, and many friends will ok. God gave you eyelids for a craving to be reunited with its where they are allowed to drink react with displeasure if asked to reason. In case you are wonder- other half. This has since been pints in public. People sucked in do this. ing what the reason is it is that proven as scientific fact. Soon all by this, or put off by believing you can shut them. So you can’t our genitals will be living under- that they can’t succeed where These reasons are incontro- see. ground and we will be as happy a Chuckle brother has failed, vertible evidence that relation- as if it was Eden. Indeed leg- are forgetting the key bonuses ships are good. So go out and 5. Having to care. We would end has it that the serpent that for giving up your time, love get one. Ask out that attrac- all rather be like Dennis Rodman tempted eve was really a worm. of computer games, and sexual tive stranger, or that unattract- and say “I don’t give a flip” but Without worms the world would freedom: ive classmate; if enough people when relationships creep up, we be a better place – pesticides are read this and do that, the world turn into Les Dennis instead. available at very reasonable rates 1. Sex on tap. Imagine having will be a better place. Daytime TV chirpy tear soaked from your local nursery. Features

www.wessexscene.co.uk The way to a man’s heart Tim “Marve” Burton and out with the boys watching the identified, to her patient and ror, gents, they may now be of Queen Esther of Persia or Aaron Kemp footie down the local. Unfortu- ever-doting househusband, who your local MP, GP, or QC. They Marie Antoinette? What of the nately, his local team having just offers her a coffee before soon share equally in the powers of many wives of rulers and men With the burden of another lost 15-0, he has felt the need realising that his gestures have the western world. But was it of so-called power who have “Hallmark” holiday looming to drown his sorrows with two fallen on deaf bunny ears since ever not so? pulled strings to suit their ends over us, I thought it apt to try dozen pints after interpreting a she is no longer awake. How far have we come from throughout the ages? If women and discuss the finer details of sign incorrectly which read “no With this role reversal of lad- the idea of the little women have power now, can we say it wooing your loved one. Howev- drinking under 18”. He stum- dish behaviour in mind, the stoking the fires? Was it not is any different to earlier times er, unlike most advice lines, I will bles home, blithers incoherently question begs: do women really the little women all along who when they were not less strong focus not on the ways a fellow about his undying love for his want to find the way to a man’s had the power to start and stop but merely more subtle? How man can woo a female, but how wonderful doting wife *mut- heart? Do any of the above ac- those fires at will? Was it not the far have we actually come? Not a female is able to gain access to ter incoherently to the effect tually mean anything? In today’s little women who controlled the very. And the way to a man’s a fellow man’s heart. Naturally, of “love yafrrrbffth bleurghy- modern society, do women need furnace of her man? In antiq- heart? Well, there are many, but I will be excluding the surgeon’s our wonderfubbl- I’m gomma to find the proverbial “way in” uity, in legend, in fantasy, have in a world where the subtleties approach; with a sharp scalpel be shick” [and grunt a bit], and in order to exert their will? They women not always manipulated of the queens of old have long and a leering grin, sedation op- promptly collapses in a state of now have equal rights in the the ways of the world from be- passed out of mind, none mat- tional. unconsciousness in the dog bas- workplace. They vote. They hind its thrones, scenes and fa- ter any more quite as terribly Firstly, let us consider the tra- ket. Vomiting optional. drink. They drive- albeit not at cades? What of the Lady of the as we thought. Gentlemen….. ditional method to his heart- as Another possible way to a the same time. And, shock hor- Lake in Arthurian legend? What good luck. the axiom goes, the route via his man’s heart, in today’s modern stomach. In short, using food. age, is giving the husband the Imagine: hubby, the provider, full authority of a king within the stallion breadwinner, the his home and private kingdom, money-maker, emerging bleary- that he might sit upon his regal eyed from a hard night’s sleep, throne and clasp as firmly as to find his little woman in the he holds his subjects in his grip kitchen, ready to stoke his fires his royal sceptre, a symbol of for the day with a full, tradition- supreme power within his do- al, English breaky- bacon, eggs, mains. I speak, of course, ladies sausages, tomatoes, mushrooms, and gentlemen, of the television black pudding, toast and mar- remote control. Upgrade to sky malade and a selection of bev- plus, optional. erages including, but not limited But in today’s modern, accept- to, tea, coffee and orange juice. ing and liberal society, it is more So much for the 1950s. Today, it likely nowadays that the drink- may well be a quid in the hand ing boot is on the other foot, and a “get yourself a McMuffin and it may well be that the loud, on the way to work, dear”. inebriated and generally intoxi- Nowadays it is considered cated party is our little woman, a far greater gesture of wifely coming home from a hen-party, love to sit patiently awaiting the donning rabbit ears and a g- Who’s really in control of relationships nowadays? husband’s return from a night string whose owner is yet to be How to spring a Valentine’s surprise on your lover Wetty Betty ever since an unfor- too extreme, a slight variation fect) that you’re not getting all tion the topic again as you are David Murphy tunate misunderstanding over a on a common theme can be the pleasure you might expect. getting intimate. Your lover, February is a time for novelty. We leaky pipe. The sex was of the enough to turn vanilla to but- Plant enough seeds and you’ll already trying to make up for see the very first buds of spring, vanilla ice-cream variety: smooth terscotch, but they might take soon have them pandering to previous sub-standard perfor- a new semester and a new (possibly creamy), enjoyable, al- it the wrong way and you’ll end your every bedroom need trying mances and aware of how erotic Ralph Lauren spring/summer ways welcome - but not too ad- up with a banana split. You need to get full marks in the sex de- you’ll find your new suggestion, collection. It’s about this time of venturous. Now you’re ready to tact, diplomacy and the ability partment. Roll on step two! will be only too happy to give it year, in the spirit of growth and tell your partner that you want to make your sexual idiosyncra- In a completely non-sexual a go. rebirth, that relationships reach to add some chocolate chips and sy sound appealing. ‘Whoops, setting, raise your fantasy as a So there you have it! But a crucial point. It is at this point you’re not sure if it will go down wrong hole!’ simply will not do. light-hearted discussion. Make it don’t forget to exercise com- that one or both of the partners well, quite literally. In theory it all sounds rather sound erotic – for example, who mon sense. If your lover has a ask themselves ‘Am I ready to So how can you introduce difficult and tiresome. In prac- needs to know that being gen- psychotic side then CBT (if you reveal my weird fetish?’ your lover to your fetish for feet? tice it’s three simple steps that tly caressed all over with pad- don’t know, don’t ask) may not I’m sure you can relate. Up Will she mind if you say you love are guaranteed to make him/her ded fabrics that remind you of be such a good idea. And if you to this point the relationship has having your armpits licked? Will walk all over your naked back in the countryside is actually being have a penchant for coprophilia been drifting along rather nicely. he object to wrapping you in stilettos (or whatever your own rubbed up and down with oven make sure your girlfriend is very You’ve spent nights cuddled up cling film and rubbing you all preference). gloves? – and whatever you do, open minded before you ask to with mugs of Asda Smart Price over with wet teabags? What- Step one is easy, all you have don’t forget to mention how pitch a loaf on her chest. But hot chocolate talking about how ever tickles your fancy, will they to do is plant a seed of doubt. you’d love to try it sometime most importantly, whatever you you used to collect stamps and dump you for it? Subtly suggest to your lover with someone special. do, make sure you have fun do- how your sister has called you It doesn’t have to be anything (perhaps mid-orgasm for ef- Step three is simple, just men- ing it. Features

Page 22 How to...Cheat on your partner Shane Doyle work that thrives on competitive with Sam from Accounts. Play it Samartians, and that your gig- maximum confusion, the fanta- unfaithfulness, tall tales of near as cool as a cryogenically frozen gling was a mere tactic to deflect sy should involve a sink plunger, Cheating is much like grave rob- scrapes, and delicately ascribed cucumber in an ice storm and caller’s claims that life was tran- dark chocolate, and a snorkel bing. Both require a deft manip- ‘marks out of ten’. An unspoken look nonplussed as your partner sient, pointless, and unfeeling. Cheating is more ABC than ulation of time and space. Both trust though, is vital for longev- barrels wildly towards you with Make a special effort to distract QED. It is also more STD and RIP. can involve digging yourself into ity of the network. Avoid getting a roasting fork. Calmly inform your partner here - try pinching Please play away, as far away, as a hole. Both have suffered unfair caught smearing honey on each them that caller was just some their nose and whispering some much as possible. and gratuitously harsh press. other’s siblings during a game of poor soul misdirected by the obscene fantasy in their ear. For Unlike grave robbing, cheat- naked cheating twister. ing for sexual kicks is not strictly Great care must be taken to nocturnal and the chances of preserve natural odour. For the receiving performance feedback love rat, this is usually a musky are high. scent that pervades thick and Cheating has been touted as fast. Other scents you’ve picked the new cocaine. It may be the up whilst playing away attract addictive rush sought from ap- the risk of perilous sanctions preciating different styles of lux- from your significant other. urious bed linen. It may be the Genital disfiguration, live organ fear of not getting caught. If you donation, a permanent invite haven’t pulled off on a highway for the in-laws – all of these are with a mystery partner - or vice equally agonising. versa - you’re sure as hell soul- Be cautious with gifts: always less from the waist down. precious, sometimes tax deduct- When cheating around Val- ible, but usually gravely indict- entine’s Day, the prudent among able. If compelled to buy one you will arrange a sturdy alibi. for your bit of rough, choose Kids are tempting, as they de- generically. Something equally mand no-frills rewards in return pleasing to your partner, sooth- for cover (e.g. Yorkie bar, Hoo- ing for your granny’s angina and ver tube, paracetamol). But their temptingly edible to the dog poor grasp of fiscal realities and would be ideal. Many avenues proportional exchange can result are therefore available for back- in exponentially costlier needs track and cover-up if purchased (e.g. DVD recorder; Maserati gift is uncovered by a know-it- MC12; Fijian island), particularly all niece/nephew. if you want to use their toy cup- It’s good to baulk. Especially board. Much better to establish when caught on the phone by a mutually cheating buddy net- your partner at 3am cavorting An unwanted gift from his mistress - he must eat the evidence. Have you bingo-ing mad? Laura Dugdale gambling is also, in old- school- clueless as to exactly what sheet, (Who, incidentally, manage to 2. Get there in plenty of time speak, a ‘vice’. Well, you can’t which number, which row to play remain remarkably calm upon to join up. Another of my friends Bingo appears to be enjoying a have everything). at which time. (Obvious though winning. Are they all secretly joined up post-Clowns one Fri- revival at the moment. (What, It took about two minutes to it sounds now, you play a whole loaded?) day afternoon in her first year. did it ever go away?!) According sign up, and we soon found our- page at a time, and the columns All in all, it was certainly a She clearly anticipated, in her to the adverts, Britain’s Bingo- selves in the granny and smoke go up in tens from single figures comedy night out. However, be merry state, that her university ing mad! Online sites are taking filled room, where the lady be- as you go along the page). Luck- sure to observe the following experience would never have millions of pounds a day. I simply hind the desk was all too aware ily, I figured it out soon enough points as you embark on your been complete without a trip to had to follow the crowd, so I em- of our amateur status. Her que- to realise I had a Full House, and Bingo career: the Bingo Hall. Spot on! barked (with a sum closer to five ry, “Five pound or two pound £30, but you have to be as fast pounds) on a House Outing to book?” drew what could only as lightning or your money will 1. Choose your guests care- 3. Realise when you’ve be- the local Bingo Hall to see what be described as blank faces. In never make its way into your fully. One of my friends devel- come addicted. Common signs all the fuss was about. While uncharacteristic student style, grubby little paw, as they move oped a sudden and severe case include spending your entire Bingo may not be the coolest we splashed out on the more ex- on. I was duly informed by my of Bingo Competitiveness Syn- student loan on Bingo, thinking occupation known to Student, I pensive option. We hadn’t even housemate that my shout out drome, whereby every other Bin- about Bingo a lot, or in extreme was willing to forgo this worry thought to bring a pen. At least of “Here” was pretty lame, so, go competitor becomes a mortal cases, writing about Bingo.*. (for one night only, obviously). they sold these at the bar. Very remember, make yourself heard. enemy. Even I could not escape Living only a Bingo caller’s shout reassuring to know that they Contrary to popular belief, you his wrath. (And you think you * Hmmm. Also, I’m not actu- away from Mecca, it seemed positively encouraged amateurs. don’t have to shout Bingo, you know someone.) Just remem- ally a Doctor, and couldn’t tell frankly rude not to visit. Plus, We soon found ourselves could probably exclaim, “Car- ber, if you don’t have anything you what the signs of addiction alternatives to another night of bombarded with numbers, and rots!” if you really wanted to, nice to say…don’t start shouting to Bingo are, so you may have to liver annihilation should always while Bingo isn’t exactly Rock- though be prepared for some abuse instead. phone a friend / Yellow Pages / be welcomed, right? (OK, so et Science, we were a smidgen odd looks from the regulars. NHS Direct for this information. Features

www.wessexscene.co.uk Celebrity BB beats Shakespeare

Darren Richman Fictions, the lecturer made refer- ence to Michael Barrymore’s im- The last time I wrote in these personation of one Adolf Hitler. hallowed pages, I opened by This was too good to be true. I declaring that I was a Manches- wanted in. ter United fan born and raised in My obsession began at the North London. This time around, perfect moment. The show ap- the desire to provoke a response peared at a time when I was has stretched as far as the head- feeling slightly depressed. Now line. Once again though, the is not the time or place to ex- provocation is born purely out plain exactly why but rest as- of honesty. sured that it was not the cancel- As embarrassing admissions lation of the sexual escapades of go, I have few that can generate Carrie and co. much more ill will. True, I have, Big Brother began and I final- on more than one occasion, ly had something to fill the void fruitlessly attempted to service where my life once was. Every myself whilst viewing an epi- night I watched and every night sode of Sex and the City. Yes, I brought fresh pearls. It struck was once vaguely attracted to a me that whoever assembled the young female Nazi on the cover guests must have the identical of a history text book. And sure, sense of humour to me. Never I confess - my name is Darren did I think I would live to see Richman and I used to have a George Galloway, Dennis Rod- subscription to Heat magazine. man and Michael Barrymore in For four years. the same room, let alone arguing Considering we appear to be over the same breakfast table. in the business of honesty, I may There were highlights too as well go one further and admit countless to mention. George’s to owning a copy of Jordan’s au- cat impersonation, Pete’s pan- tobiography. I wish I was making tomime evil, Traci’s tits. Many this up. I simply couldn’t resist a peers expressed shock that I literary feast in which the shining would watch such a programme. paragon dishes the dirt on the More fools them for they have varying penis sizes of more than been utterly deceived by my a handful (no pun intended) of carefully nurtured public image. top Premiership footballers. For The snobbery attached to view- the record, Dwight Yorke has ing such a thing consistently as- “quite a big willy”. You don’t tounds me. I spent two evenings drama might. George’s response that is not being talked about.’ sense and almost reduced me to get that sort of gold in David during the show’s run at the to Barrymore’s cracking an egg I do hope Stephen Fry plays Ch- tears when he settled an argu- Copperfield. National Theatre viewing new over his own face of “The yolk’s antelle in the biopic of her life ment by totally deconstructing So there you have it. Despite plays by Mike Leigh and Alan on you Michael” was immortal. too. the notion of celebrity. perpetually attempting to read Bennett, arguably our great- Galloway’s later assertion that, Barrymore proved a rev- Evidently, Celebrity Big the right books, listen to the est living playwrights. Both are “Being called immoral by Jodie elation throughout. When the Brother was superior to Shake- right music and generally convey commended on creating char- Marsh is like being told to sit younger members of the house speare for a number of reasons. the air of the intellectual, a part acters one feels are truly living up straight by The Hunchback complained of not even know- For one, the comedy of the for- of me will always be governed things yet what can be more re- of Notre Dame” was the most ing who Dennis was, Michael mer reality TV show revolved by my love of such total trash. alistic than reality? I spent both astute and succinct character as- existentially proclaimed “Who around something more than And that’s where Celebrity Big those nights aching to return sessment imaginable. are any of us?” Without miss- just the one joke of a man look- Brother comes in. home and watch my recording The delightfully thick Chan- ing a beat, Preston responded ing a bit like a woman. Further The first I heard of the show of the real drama unfolding on telle inadvertently proved the with “You’re Michael Barry- still, Dennis Rodman is a hero for that would change history came Channel 4. model of infinity stating that more off Kids Say the Funniest our times. Faced with any set- whilst I was abroad. I received It wasn’t even just the theatre monkeys at typewriters would Things.” In a similar manner to back, he articulately conveyed a text message over Christmas where I had one eye on events eventually produce the com- Chantelle’s unintentional literary just how little he was bothered from a fellow Ordinary Boys fan in the celebrity household. My plete works of Shakespeare allusions, Barrymore seemed to in the most beautiful language. informing me that, to his dismay, attention even wandered on a when she consoled Preston over support that irritating theory of If anyone disagreed, the bas- Preston was appearing in the Big trip to Old Trafford not to men- his fears that the outside world the mad person may be actually ketball star patiently explained Brother House. I felt slightly sur- tion an evening in which I was might loathe him. The Paris Hil- being the only sane one (you exactly how they might plea- prised but still had no great incli- actually performing in a show ton look-alike explained, “You’d know the one – you probably sure him. Hamlet had nothing nation to view the activities on myself. But why? How could ravver someone read the paper have a quasi-hippie housemate on that man. Still, I hope I don’t my return to this sceptred isle. something so apparently trivial and goes ‘look that Preston’s a who loves Jack Johnson and has get kicked off my Shakespeare Fate had other plans. dominate my psyche in such an dickhead’ than they didn’t say a poster of Che Guevara up in course for writing this. If so, The second time I heard refer- all-consuming manner? noffink about you at all.” This his room who’s always saying I’ll take a leaf out of the great ence to this televisual feast came I suppose the programme’s sentiment eerily reminiscent of this). Despite the inability to man’s book. Sadly though, I’m in the rather surprising shape of winning combination of humour Wilde’s famous epigram, ‘There speak coherently and a mind not that sure how well my Eng- an English lecture. During an and profundity won me over in is only one thing in life worse clearly ravaged by madness, lish course convenors will take informative session on Jewish much the same way as the best than being talked about, and Michael often spoke the most such a proposition. Fashion

Page 24 In focus: the classic look

Lorna Longworth An eponymous fashion term, ‘classic’ isn’t really that hard to achieve. In fact you probably own some of the basics; ‘classic’ is often synonymous with ‘ba- sics’ and other such phrases as ‘wardrobe staples’. But what does it actually mean? Well boys and girls, for your enlightenment and personal growth I will dem- onstrate the key items that last no matter what fashion Ladies Gentlemen decade and no matter what Trousers – one well-cut black Dark jeans – not ripped the occasion or situation. In- pair, two pairs of well fitting Smart suit – jacket and trousers deed being classic isn’t about jeans, one pair cropped trousers Shirt – plain white plus plain yel- fashion at all, it’s about being Dresses – one wrap or shirt dress, low, blue or pink chic enough to use the word chic one LBD Tie – black/navy/red/blue in a sentence without appearing Tops – white cotton shirt, black V-neck jumper – neutral or flat- ostentatious; quite a task. Be- polo neck, v-neck jumper, three tering colours, wide stripes ing classic is about clothes that vests or camisoles Shoes – black lace-up brogues can make a nod to a trend but Skirts – one pencil or 50’s flared Socks – no holes, must match aren’t actually the in thing. or A-line, one denim shoes/or belt (only wear white Think Audrey Hepburn, Grace Coats – fitted black jacket, -belt socks with trainers) Kelly, Humphrey Bogart, Jackie ed trench Coat – knee length, dark Kennedy for examples of classic Shoes – flat pumps, killer heels, And: fashion icons. And here I’ve list- boots, converse all-stars Casual blazer/jacket ed items that you should own. Accessories – sunglasses, wide Plain white T-shirt Personalise them with your own belt, watch, flattering jewellery, Scarf- only wear when necessary accessories and your brilliant black 40 denier tights, struc- (i.e. when cold with coat) or you personality and you’re good to tured bag with pockets and look like an idiot. go, anywhere. buckles Good haircut

socks The shameful and history of... sandals Lorna Longworth pesky Son of God, they felt that Judas was the best choice purely It is a little known fact that of based on his misguided fashion all the apostles, Judas was not sense. His ‘style’ marked him out One only the least popular (his at- as a man who clearly didn’t know titude towards the water into what he was doing and would fashion moment I’d rather wine party piece was thought therefore be perfect in the wily by many sanctimonious) but he scheme. Their request for him ‘to Bex Campbell stirrups (or was that just me?). wars with the predecessor of the was also badly dressed. get himself something nice’ fell Of all my various lapses in taste Chav: the Townie. As an ex-tax collector this is un- on deaf ears as Judas planned to Living through the 90s was dif- over the years, the one I look However, all good things must surprising. Peter and Paul are invest his thirty pieces of silver in ficult for anyone trying not to back on most fondly was the come to an end. Trousers that widely-known to have been the stock market. On the night look a total idiot. The skinny-fit sudden decision I took to be- dragged so much you got embarrassed by their sartori- in question, at no point did he trousers, bo-ho looks and even come a nu-age mettler. While soaked up to your thigh when ally challenged colleague. Judas, think about the consequences of puff-ball skirts of the 60s-80s initially this was just to keep me it rained (that’s when the eleva- however, suffered from very his actions. Indeed he pulled on have come back at least once from looking out of place in the tion provided those old spice-girl chilly feet, poor chap, and felt his grey socks with glee, smug by now, prompting our parents only decent place to go out back platform trainers would have that the benefits of thick woolly at his own practicality. Let this to tell us how their generation home, I soon loved it. Obscene- come in handy) became tire- socks with sandals outweighed be a lesson to you all, chilly feet invented everything worth hav- ly baggy trousers, bike-chain some. Fashion moved on. But of any need to compete with the require shoes, and improved cir- ing. But for us children of the necklaces and rainbow-coloured course I’ve still got it all stashed funky fishermen. Despite vig- culation through exercise, but 90s that time has not yet come. everything. What was so great away for the years ahead when orous Morris dancing his feet in no way should you ever, ever We are left red in the face at though, was the whole culture I’ll have the chance to embarrass remained cold and clammy. In- wear anything open-toed with the memory of shell suits, plat- that came with it: the gigs, the my kids. The circle of fashion will deed, when the Pharisees were socks. Learn from Judas, even form trainers and leggings with teenage angst and the inevitable be complete. looking for a man to betray the God didn’t like him. Fun stuff

www.wessexscene.co.uk Mystic Mog’s Dear Beryl... Predictions Southampton’s mature Mystic Mog’s got the low down an ugly mug, listen to late-night on all the Southampton student lurve instead on Surge 87.7 FM. needs to know this February... student agony aunt Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) No, Robbie Williams is not going Dear Beryl, Dear Buddy, Your last fiver burnt a hole in to marry you. Try Jonathan You have got to help me I know not a lot about your pocket well over a week Wilkes instead. before word gets out! I am make up. It doesn’t do ago. Buy new jeans. potentially a famous face but I much for me these days. I am Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 22) am worried that if my secret gets not as young as I used to be, Taurus (Apr 21 - May 20) If you’ve yet to fulfil a promise, Your fortune lies underneath the keep your head down for another out it will scupper my chances of and have had to make the shift left sofa cushion. Sorry to break fortnight and they’ll forget... being a success in the future! I from Max Factor to polyfiller. it to you, but that’s as good as it took this bird back to my room My friend Doris tells me that gets this month. Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21) in halls and things were getting frosted pinks are Try to exercise greater self- a bit fresh. Much to my dismay, the latest colours Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21) control while out shopping. Do she passed out in my bed just as on the catwalk if All the greatest minds are you really need twenty bottles things were getting somewhere. that is any help? I misunderstood, so don’t fret of shampoo? Well, being a gentleman, I dread to think what pet. Look at me: they put me in obviously couldn’t have sex you were doing with a cattery once and I made it out Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) with her because that would the table but as you alive. You have been looking at the just be wrong. But I had to do haven’t volunteered much yourself to world through rose-tinted Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22) glasses. And they are so last something to satisfy my carnal information I suspect it is illegal purchase a pet. Not It’s time for a career change. season, darling. Yep, it’s downhill desires, so I sort of wiped my in some countries. even a fish. Pulling pints in an venue where from here-on-in! manhood against her. When I Love, Beryl Love, Beryl you wipe your feet on the way realised how ridiculous this was out rather than on the way Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19) I stopped. Stupidly I shared in is never going to get you It’s time to make some plans for this story with a couple of my Dear Beryl, anywhere. that special someone who you friends, who have done nothing Dear Beryl, I keep inventing impressive hold so close to your heart - yes, but take the piss out of me ever I was enjoying a leisurely stroll titles for myself and it is starting Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 23) you! since! At first I just laughed it off, through the countryside last to get out of hand. People have Destiny waits in a crowded place. but I realise that if this skeleton week when I happened upon a started to notice and make Try the Cube on a Friday night. Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20) emerges from my closet it could pig. He was busy being excited comments. How do I get this Believe in yourself and chase your Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 22) ambitions. Or your neighbours. really affect my reputation! with another pig, but somehow, habit under control? Watch out for lurve on Saturday Either way it’ll waste a few hours Freestyler I managed to get covered in The President of the World and Sunday nights. If you’ve got until the bar opens. pig love juice. I think I will be disturbed for life! Dear Freestyler, Nina Dear President of the World, I am not sure what to make of Do you really know who this situation, but fear not, I have you are? Perhaps this is where SUSU-doku met far worse Perverts than you! Dear Nina, your problem lies? You don’t Last year, in fact… Everyone Well, just when I thought I had seem to have a grasp on reality needs a couple of skeletons in heard it all! So, you got jiggy with or where you figure within it. their closet, and you’ve got a a piggy! Some people have very I suggest packing yourself off solid base to build on! Tell me, strange tastes in sexual partner. somewhere remote and really have you ever considered a Just look at Penny Lancaster. trying to get to know the inner career in politics? It’d be right With a body like that she could you. Leave all mod-cons behind up your street. have any man she wanted and and cut yourself off from the Love Beryl she’s chosen one resembling world. I see two outcomes to a troll with highlights. Now, this exercise and both will help my dear, I expect you will de all enormously. Either you will Dear Beryl, disturbed for life but to be fair, if finally come to terms with the I smacked myself in the head you are the kind of person who real you and accept that, like with a table and now I look like won’t allow a copulating pig the rest of us commoners, you I’ve gone through 12 rounds a little privacy then I think it is really are a nobody, or you will with Mike Tyson. I need to look fair to say that you were rather enjoy your solitary existence so my best as I am in the public eye disturbed in the first place; you much that you won’t come back quite a bit. Do you have any clearly give Abi Titmuss a run for and that will give everyone inner make up tips? her money. Just keep away from peace and harmony. Buddy Godstone Farm and never allow Love, Beryl

Do you have a problem? Don’t know what to do next? Do you have no-one to turn to in your hour of need and want a decent answer? How to play! Write to Beryl at [email protected]. Beryl will reply to as many letters Every row, every column and every 3x3 box contains the numbers as she is able. Confidentiality assured. 1 through to 9, without duplicating any numbers. There should be no guesswork or maths involved! SocietiesPage 26 Editorial Seeking the sublime David R Warwick periences of one small man amid the immensity of the Nubra Val- fect. I think, I hope, it is a very the absolutely large. Seeking The ley landscape; Buddhist monas- personal film, or perhaps better Seeking The Sublime (Delhi Sublime presents a shimmering teries that reach for the clouds; put, a cinepoem, an expressive to Ladakh and Back) a film by tapestry of sights and sounds prayer flags dancing in the high- of my ‘beliefs’ and my outlook Peter Rabbit David R. Warwick in association from another world: the oily altitude air. on the world. I don’t believe with Phase 3 HIFI, is set for its chaos of the Pahar Ganj bazaar; In working on the project I that the artist has any more With the first semester over, so- first public screening 6 - 9 March shifting vistas along the Markha was heavily influenced by the right than anyone else to make cieties are brushing off the dust at 7.30pm in The Nuffield’s Lec- valley trek; rickshaws which dart seemingly opposed styles of So- claims at what his work means, and preparing for the rest of the ture Theatre A. into and out of dense traffic; the viet montage cinema and the but for me, time, space, nature year. From the labyrinth hysteria of Taj Mahal; the famous Leh to cinema of Andrei Tarkovsky - I and spirituality are all prominent With this in mind the Re- Delhi to the mountain calm of Manali mountain road; samosas wanted Seeking The Sublime interconnected themes. Seeking fresher’s Bunfight was held on Ladakh and back again, this film and tea under a crisp dusk Lada- to offset the mesmeric with The Sublime should perhaps be 17 February in the main Union is about a journey set away from khi sky; the rich, wet, brilliantly the meditative to achieve an summed up simply as: man with Building from 10am to 3pm. it all, an artifact recalling the ex- green forests around Vashist; overwhelming, hypnotic ef- camera, in the Indian Himalaya. And various societies are holding their committee elections, letting new blood into the leadership. In this edition we have the re- sults of last term’s balloon race, A Hull of a long way... a new film, a new book club and a chance for you to meet your Ella Hedley Day back in December. We are The competition was part of would like to thank all who have local MPs. With all this in mind pleased to announce that Naomi a series of events designed to contributed so far. I am going to cut this editorial In an update of the article fea- Elson won the race and £50. Her raise awareness of World Aids To everyone else out there: short and wish you all good luck tured in the Christmas issue of balloon was one of the 850 re- Day and the global campaign you can still help. If you would for the semester ahead. the Wessex Scene, the balloon leased in spite of bad weather, to ensure Aids treatment for all like to get involved, more infor- Get in touch and send in your race held jointly by the Stu- and it managed to travel more sufferers by 2010. The scale of mation can be found, along with articles to: dent Stop AIDS Society and VP than 250 miles before landing in the support received was over- pictures of the balloon race, on [email protected] Welfare as a part of World Aids the city of Hull in Yorkshire. whelming and the organisers the SUSSAS sussed portal. Like a good read? group might take - could we experts in the area by any stretch Henry Hardy get external speakers involved, of the imagination! We just re- Do you like a good read? Do could it be expanded to include ally enjoy books and chatting you enjoy appreciating litera- culture, maybe trips to galleries about them; extensive literary ture from another perspective? and the theatre? We would re- knowledge and analysis would Would you like to learn some- ally like to hear your ideas and not be required! If you’d like to thing more about the written suggestions for the group as, if get involved, or have any ideas word? Over the next few weeks enough people are interested, about the group, please get in several of us are hoping to set up we could aim to make it a fully touch with us at sotonbooksoc@ a small group to enjoy and dis- Union affiliated Society at some hotmail.co.uk and we’d love to cuss books, and we’d love to get point. see you at a very informal meet- a few more people involved. We are keen to keep the ing at 7.30pm, Thursday 23 At the moment we’re still group as relaxed and informal as February, in the SUSU café. thinking about the form the possible because none of us are Meet your MPs Oliver Lewis On 3 March, Southampton’s on level two of the Students’ two MPs will be at the Union. Union, and members and non- With Council elections fast ap- John Denham, MP for South- members are welcome. proaching and two Southamp- ampton Itchen, and Dr Alan If you are interested in get- ton students in the running for Whitehead, MP for Southamp- ting involved in the Labour Soci- positions on the City Council, ton Test, will be here to take ety or would like to know more now is the time for anyone inter- your questions and listen to your you can contact us at labour@ ested in politics to get involved, opinions at this important time. soton.ac.uk, or alternatively visit and the Labour Society is, as The event will be held at us at the Refreshers Bunfight on Take a break from your reading list, join the Book Society ever, here to help. 11.30am in the Meeting Room Friday 17 February. Sport www.wessexscene.co.uk Editorial Men’s Hockey: seconds v thirds Simon Webb of chances. Chris Phillips domi- The sustained pressure lead for the thirds. His pace this sea- nated midfield throughout the to Dave Chanter breaking free son has allowed him to run riot The first set of games for the encounter, driving forward and of his defensive shackles and through defences in BUSA and Men’s Hockey teams after the making pin point passes into the driving into the D to drag flick Hampshire. With minutes to go, Christmas break saw the South- D but also recovering from bro- a loose ball from a spilled tackle. Lilley used his pace to skip past Alex Hayes ampton Men’s second XI take on ken attacks to assist the defence The shot left Michael Mottrem in three defenders and play himself the third XI. The thirds were pro- in clearing up. the third team goal flat footed. one-on-one with the keeper. Hi all and welcome back to this moted last season to the same Simon Roberts put in a fine Shortly before half time, Ravi Unfortunately for the thirds he relaxed, post-exam edition of league as the seconds, while un- display scoring an expertly tak- Gohwry made a fine stop to deny was unable to control the ball Wessex Scene Sport. der the leadership of Chris Yeo en goal in the opening few min- the seconds another goal. This and placed it inches wide. February is set to be a great the seconds have are pushing utes and following this with two season Sam Horlor of the first Rupert Warton shocked ev- month for sport with a vast ar- for promotion. Unfortunately, more goals to complete a fine team has made a strong contri- eryone by emerging from de- ray of talent on display in many the thirds have struggled in the hattrick. Skipper Chris Yeo fol- bution to the Club by coaching fence to drive one in between disciplines. It starts with the higher league and have been lowed up Roberts second with a the keepers in the lower teams, the diving keeper’s legs. Paul Winter Olympics, where for a unfortunate to lose narrowly well taken reverse swipe driving greatly enhancing their ability. Salter pulled one more back mo- change Great Britain actually a number of times. On a more the ball into the nearside bottom In the second half, Jennings ments before Rob Fraser-Harris have some hope of achieving positive note, Ian Jennings has corner of the goal. led the team to a surprise resur- put the game beyond the third’s success. Finlay Mickel has his forged an unrivalled team spirit The third defence managed gence. Almost immediately after reach with a late goal. sights set on achieving Britain’s throughout the squad which has to repel attack after attack with the whistle Jennings drove for- The third team hopes to build first ever alpine downhill; he seen them dominate the hockey Jesse Tam and Alex Needs in ward and slotted the ball into the on this fine second half display has a good shot being currently social scene week in week out. particular working well together bottom right corner with a firm and make a late stand to avoid ranked in the top 25 skiers in In the opening plays of the to keep the ball moving around push having taken on four play- relegation. The seconds hope to the world. Obviously the wom- game it seemed that the sec- the pitch and away from the ers in the space of twelve yards. continue their winning ways and en’s curling team have a good onds would steam roll the thirds oposition’s probing forwards. He followed this up shortly af- make a strong push for promo- shot at retaining their title, and into submission. Despite the Unfortunately when the third terwards by blasting a deflected tion. Hopefully, now with exams Zoe Gillings goes in the new loss of Richard Warrick shortly team were able to get the ball shot into the top corner. finished, both teams can regroup Snowboard Cross event. before push back the teams’ at- thorugh to the midfield it rarely Chris Lilley continued his fine to make the final push and finish Obviously the Six Nations tacking options created a flurry made it past the half way line. form by slotting another goal in the season in style. has kicked off already, although February also sees the return of the newly expanded Super 14 competition between the club sides from the Southern hemi- sphere. Here the Canterbury Crusaders of New Zealand, led by inspirational fly half Dan Carter, will be hoping to retain their crown although they will face stiff competition from a re- surgent ACT Brumbies side. However, the most mouth watering event of this month has to be the Champions League last 16 stage which kicks off 21 February. Some juicy ties have come out here, including the tournament favourites Barce- lona and Chelsea fighting it out for the second year in succes- sion, and Arsenal facing David Beckham’s unpredictable Real Madrid outfit, with both sides looking to salvage their sea- sons. This edition sees Richard Clare continue his series of interviews with this season’s Saints manag- ers, as well as a word from Eng- land Flanker Joe Worsley. There is also some exciting news from the American Football squad. Enjoy, Al

Sport

www.wessexscene.co.uk Sport in Stags international call-up Brief

Kris Hodges-Peck Southampton Stags American Football Club received the excit- ing news this week that ten of their players have been called Hockey up for international duty. All The Men’s side travelled to UWE of the call-ups have performed on Monday 6 January to try to outstandingly this year, working clinch a victory in the rearranged tirelessly to improve their game. fixture and take the league’s top These ten will compete in the spot. They came away empty Four Nations tournament in the handed after a lacklustre per- summer in Coventry before jet- formance, going down 4-2. ting out to the States in August The Men’s and Women’s first for a tour of Los Angeles. The teams both travelled to Cardiff Bulldogs (the British Collegiate The Great Britain Bulldogs in action against Canada last year the next Wednesday, the Men American Football League’s to try to clinch the league, and Team) will play USA, Canada ton will have eleven players every game a knockout affair the The List of Honour the Women with an eye on cup and another European nation representing them in this end of Stags look to fight their way into qualification. Both teams suf- at home before facing the US season game versus the North- College Bowl XX on 26 March. Ted Baynham quarterback fered heavy defeats, between College teams of Occidental ern Cougars, with Malaysian To reach the final and play the Martin Hume offensive line- them conceding ten goals. The and Whittier. For some of the Defensive Tackle Mohammad Northern champions they will man Women haemorrhaged six goals team this won’t be the first trip Mohd Yassin (“Bob”) and Nige- most likely have to go through Kris Hodges-Peck offensive without mustering a reply, whilst to America representing Great rian running back Tam Amachree reigning national champions the lineman the Men went down 4-2 in a Britain; Baynham, Hyme and being included in the squad (Ben Birmingham Lions to whom the Gordon Kaiser defensive end match that mirrored their previ- Dunmore were part of the San Dunmore graciously conceded Stags were unfortunate to lose Leigh Morris linebacker ous encounter. The women still Francisco tour in 2004. his place to allow a development earlier in the season. Keep a look Phil Bennett defensive back have a match to play against As well as international com- player to be taken). out for ads for upcoming games Ben Dunmore defensive back top-of-the-league Bristol, with a mitments, all these players have The season for the team is far and if you can, come along to Colin O’Connor offensive line chance to move into third posi- been invited to represent the from over however as heading Wide Lane to cheer on your Justin Sysum running back tion in the league. Southern Universities All-Star into March the Stags see their university. To follow the Stags’ Dominic Olney wide receiver However, both teams man- team, the Wildcats. Southamp- first play-off action. Now with progress see www.stags.org.uk. aged to qualify for the BUSA Cup Competition and so have a chance of salvaging something Southampton to host nationals from their seasons. Football James Devereux where students from all over the ampton has a much bigger and bed on Sunday 12 March, to The New Year’s arrival saw the country will battle it out in your more experienced team, with come to the Jubilee Sports Hall Southampton University team On hearing the word ‘Taekwon- very own Jubilee Sports Hall. It the added advantage of fight- and watch battle commence. needing points to ensure survival do’ most people assume it’s just is very rare that Southampton ing on home turf (or mat, if you You can turn up at any time from their remaining two games. another marital art, or that it’s gets to play host to such a huge like). So you could say the odds during the day to watch, as the The first tie was a tricky home like kung fu or from Japan. First- event, and so frankly if you are already stacked in this Uni’s competition is an all day event tie against an in-form Hertford- ly they’re wrong on two counts: don’t attend you will be missing favour. But one factor remains which will run until late (closes shire side, and the team came it’s nothing like kung fu, and it’s your chance to witness some- undecided. That is the number at 10pm). If you’re really keen away disappointed going down from Korea. But what they also you can get up and arrive for 6-3. Their last game was against don’t know is what a fantastic 9.15am when the patterns com- a struggling Greenwich side martial art and sport it can be, petition will begin - though this and the team performed well not just to take part in but as a is only really recommended if to condemn their opponents to spectator sport too. you appreciate martial arts pat- relegation winning 3-0. The first Imagine watching rounds terns. A more realistic start for XI have therefore qualified for a where competitors score points most would be 10.45am when place in the highly competitive with combinations of lightning the real fun begins with the end of season play offs. fast spinning kicks, counter- sparring competition (fighting). attacks and tactical strikes as Or you can of course just pop Medics’ Rugby though they’re fencing with in at some point during the day The Men’s first XV have had a their legs. Yes, Taekwondo is and have a good shout to ap- good season and have qualified definitely a cool sport to watch. plaud your university. However, for the final of the Hampshire And wouldn’t it be even cooler Taekwondo national championships are coming to the University the real fun if you ask me, lies Plate competition when they if the people fighting were from in following us progress through impressively overcame a tough your university and their oppo- thing very exciting and spe- of supporters who turn up on each fight to the final; to do this New Milton side 46-19, de- nents were from universities all cial. Last year fighting in Leeds, the day to cheer the fighters on, you’ll need to make a good day spite having trailed 19-5 at one over the country? Southampton got third place, and make the cheers from oth- trip out of it. stage. Well, are you in for a treat. scoring lots of points but mainly er universities sound like mere Oh and one more thing, it The team will now meet Mill- This year Southampton Univer- losing out because other teams whimpers in comparison. To get costs £2 for students (with ID) brook, conquerors of the Uni- sity has the delightful pleasure had many more competitors, that edge it’s as simple as this: and £3 for non-students; such a versity’s Rugby club, who won of hosting the National Student resulting in many more poten- we need you. pittance for such an event that the title last season, in a final to WTF Taekwondo Championship, tial points. But this year South- We need you to get out of it’s hardly worth mentioning. be played on 1 April. Page 30 Sport

www.wessexscene.co.uk Worsley optimistic of a return to World Cup form Hannah Slater his international debut back in stant decision of club or coun- the 1999 World Cup where he try. “For me it is always country, The RBS Six Nations Champion- quickly established himself as like it is for most of us. We play ships is once again in full swing, an invaluable member of Eng- for the clubs to prove we can be and is expected to be one of the land’s match day 22. His emis- part of the England squad, to tightest contests in recent years. sion from the 2003 World Cup play in the World Cup, Six Na- The Wessex Scene caught up party was a huge blow for him: tions etc. That is always the ulti- with England flanker Joe Worse- “I knew it was going to happen. mate aim.” ley to hear some of his thoughts There were a number of factors England started their Six Na- ahead of one of sport’s most against me. My fitness was still tions campaign in impressive prestigious international tourna- not great, through injury, and fashion with a 47-13 demolition ments. clearly Clive Woodward didn’t of reigning champions Wales. England performed very disap- see something in me. I was obvi- Scotland pulled off the shock re- pointingly after their World Cup ously disappointed but I had my sult of the weekend with a 20-16 victory, with the side finishing first holiday since I started - play defeat of France at Murrayfield, only fourth in last year’s Six Na- ing professional rugby, which whilst the Irish were comfort- tions. Worsely explains: “When was some consolation!” able in a 26-16 victory in Italy. you make massive changes you Worsley helped Wasps win England now look favourites for suffer the consequences. At the The Premiership last season Worsley shrugs off an Aussie tackle in England’s autumn victory the tournament after recaptur- moment we are in catch 22, we alongside the former England be awesome to play for England in the dressing room. He likens ing some of their World Cup need to revert back to what we Captain Lawrence Dallaglio, with him. The Six Nations is a himself to a bit of a gangster. form. However it would always know, but we should have been who recently decided to end his definite possibility.” So before we run out he shouts be foolish to write off the tem- radical last year. Now we’re self-imposed exile and come out When asked to comment on “Let’s sort this firm out, get the peramental French, who have worried about Wales. They have of international retirement. As Dallaglio’s impact in the dress- tools boys!” Worse stuff hap- the advantage of a home tie a strong 30 player team, like we his team mate, Worsely relishes ing room, Worsley had this to pens, but that always gets me!” against England in what could did pre-World Cup.” the chance to play alongside say:“Playing for Wasps we have Every international rugby be the tournament decider on Wasps flanker Worsley made Dellaglio for England: “It would the dominant figure of Lawrence player has to deal with the con- 12 March. Future looks bright for Wessex Rugby Club SURFC President son with a great depth in squad been up, the team spirit unbreak- numbers, something having able and the volume of new tal- As the drop goal attempt from come about due to a very skil- ent entering the club vast. It is Johnny Wilkinson sailed over ful third team. Although some clear that this season has been the posts in the final seconds of of the thirds may be less expe- one of laying foundations, and the World Cup, the result wasn’t rienced, they are invaluable to for a fort such as Wessex these only that the England team the Club as a whole. With injury are foundations of the greatest lifted the championship trophy common in rugby, it is extremely proportion. With large numbers but that the national profile of important to have committed of talented Freshers and an in- the sport was raised instantly. replacements, and commitment crease in a coaching budget, the Southampton’s rugby club is one is what the third team do best future for next season looks ex- of the largest clubs in Wessex with their players willing to step ceedingly bright. and each year about 150 eager up to the plate at any point. All in all it has been an ex- Freshers turn out for trials. Since Although the BUSA season tremely proud year for me and the Club was founded it has al- may be close to completion, hopefully for the every Union ways emphasised that it is open there are many events to look club. All that is left for me to say to all, and this year has been no forward to. The brave men of is: bring on next season! Grappling for possession against the Solent exception. Wessex rugby are off to foreign With the first team landing a blood coming through, with a rejuvenated Alex ‘Budge’ Bur- soils to mark our territory against number of tough fixtures it was players such as Andy Blackburn, gess combining with touches of other university sides in Italy. This clear from the outset that this Dave Kelly and Tom Hendrikson flare from Rob White and James is the first tour for several years year was going to be difficult. showing a lot of promise. Al- Butler in the back row, the team and has been made possible by With a large number of Fresh- though having a large propor- looked set for a record-breaking the hard work of Chris Davies ers taking leading roles in the tion of Freshers in the first team season. However, a loss to Bris- and Rob Manning. It is certainly team it was important to get may have been viewed as a risk, tol in a match where their team set to be a major highlight of the in as much training as possible. it will enable the team to gel in became suspiciously stronger in year. Another event sure to set However, even with this train- time for next year, with an eye the second half combined with tongues wagging is the Wessex ing it was still a tricky task to on promotion back to Western a refereeing mix up which grant- Sevens, where members from take on and this was reflected 1A. ed a walk over to Marjons meant any social or sporting club can in a number of early heavy de- The second team kicked off Southampton had to settle for put together a ‘sevens’ team to feats. These early losses meant the season in style with a string of second place in the league. battle it out for prestigious title. that the team would always be victories, including an emphatic As always, the front row re- On paper, this year has been struggling for survival, and un- victory over Winchester Univer- sources have been stretched by one of stark contrast to previous fortunately a number of recent sity first team. Skipper Alastair injury, but with a string of new seasons with no real successes in battling performances have not Lewis has taken command for a subscriptions at the coal face cup or league competitions. But been enough to save the first second year, inspiring the team such as Greg Lacey and Cock- on the pitch this year has been team from relegation. with several outstanding per- ney Dave a potential problem marked by the grit and determi- Despite this there has been formances. With stalwarts such was averted. nation shown by all members of Burgess has a shot at goal a great deal of talented fresh as Al Hayes, Dave Holland and We have been lucky this sea- all clubs. Turnout at training has wessex SPORT Burley building for the future Richard Clare But Baird stayed on at South- ampton with the fresh hope After The Great South Coast with every new manager’s ap- Soap Opera concluded with pointment that he would get a Harry Redknapp rejoining Port- chance to prove his worth. smouth FC from Southamp- “I could have gone elsewhere, ton FC, the 22 December saw but it’s Southampton; I’ve been George Burley named the new here all my career so far and Saints Head Coach. Wessex didn’t really want to move. I Scene Sport caught up with knew I’d get my chance at some George Burley and Saints de- stage. I was just biding my time fender Chris Baird who has dis- and hanging in there and hope- covered a new lease of life under fully sooner rather than later the new man in charge. would get it. Hopefully I’ve got With a plethora of young tal- it this time.” ented footballers at Southamp- The change of atmosphere in ton the attraction of the Club the changing room has not gone was dazzling for Burley, the man unnoticed among the players, who guided Ipswich Town into with Chris Baird remarking: “I the UEFA Cup in 2001. think all the boys have been very “I love working with tal- pleased with his appointment.” ented players, especially young Baird’s return to the first team ones. I think over the years I’ve has put the smile back on the shown [that] bringing young- defender’s face, but he is keep- sters through into the first team ing his feet on the floor, saying: and developing them into inter- Chris Baird challenges Wayne Rooney in Northern Ireland’s famous victory over England in 2005 “I’m just happy with the way nationals is one of my strengths. things, there’s also been areas areas we need to improve.” mous than Theo Walcott’s much things are going at the minute.” Southampton is recognised as where we’re not strong enough, With over half the season publicised £12 million switch to The appointment of George having one of the best acade- so that’s something we’ve gone, Southampton find them- Arsenal. Burley has injected some opti- mies in the country for the quali- got to work on in the training selves in the rather sobering po- “It’s about trying to take the mism into a Club failing to live up ty that they’ve brought through, ground.” sition of the bottom half of the Club forward. There are areas to the high expectations bookies and that can only be terrific for After a short time at the Ed- table. Burley had originally set that we have got to be better. stamped on it at the beginning these players coming into the inburgh club Hearts, Burley re- the play-offs as the side’s aim. We’ve got to improve. There are of the season. Hard work is re- first team.” vealed that he is now looking “The play-offs are the aim. a lot of positives but there are quired for the side to stay out of A baptism of fire ensued for longer term with the Saints. We’ve got a lot of work to do. some things you want to change relegation trouble, but with Bur- Burley who joined amid a packed “You can’t choose when you We’ve got to improve if we’re to mould the team to the way ley’s managerial record the opti- Christmas schedule for the Club take over and now is a case for to have any realistic chance. But you think is right.” mism around his appointment is and with a lot of players out the longer term to try to build. hopefully we can get one or two For Chris Baird, it has been a not unfounded. through injury. Build a whole squad, which I’ve players back who have been a tough two years since his near “It’s been really hectic. It done at a few clubs over the big miss. I think we’ve had eight man of the match worthy per- hasn’t been ideal having four years, to try to gain success.” or nine out, and most of them formance in the 2003 FA Cup games in ten days, especially After a troubled first three experienced players. Any side Final against Arsenal. Different with seven or eight experienced games in charge, it was a relief would struggle if they had that managers have left the North- players out. So every game I’m for Burley to get the first win number of players out.” ern Ireland international out of trying to formulate some team against Brighton in January. With recent results meaning their side and he admitted that system of play, working on “It was [a relief] because if Southampton have had to look it was “last-chance-saloon” for things to improve. you’re not winning games you nervously over their shoulder at his Saints career when Burley “You try to give people op- lose confidence. With so many the all too close relegation zone, took over. portunities to show what they young players it was very im- the aims for the season are slow- “I would have gone some- can do and that has been the portant that we gave them a lift, ly changing. where else, maybe not perma- case. It’s been forced a little bit and in that game the crowd and Southampton had a big squad nently, maybe on loan in this because of the amount of inju- everybody connected. It was a so Burley wheeled and dealed at [transfer] window. But I’ve been ries the Club have had but we’ve massive lift. Hopefully we can the beginning of 2006 seeing playing so I’m happy at the had a good look. While there’s step on. But I’m not kidding my- plenty of faces come and go, minute. There were a few times no doubt been some positive self; there’s work to be done and and none have been more fa- when I could have moved on.” Will he be clapping in May? www.wessexscene.co.uk