Vol. 100 No. 16 Tuesday, April 1,1986 'Serving the Springfield College Community' ---- ACTOR JOHN BELUSHI DISCOVERED ALIVE— SEEKING NEW IDENTITY AS PRESIDENT FALCONE

Belushi - - - - Dead or Alive? Operation Bluto by Jools Gustafson deep knee bends and then pro­ not have the cash to train to New SC Correspondent ceeded to trot down the driveway. York, so I called ahead to Co- Editors Note: After receiving five He hung an immediate right at the Editor A-me Kissel who just hap­ anonymous letters and twenty end of the driveway increasing the pened to be stationed in New York phone calls, the Student Editors “pace” of his jog. I swiftly hopped investigating the “Saturday Night needed to act on the “Belushi- into The Student Volkswagen and Live” scene and communicating Falcone” notion. Spring Break was headed towards Cumberland with Dan Ackroyd, Jane Curtain designated to investigations. Farms. I needed M&M’s anyway, a and Gilda Radner. The spying was Co-Editor-In-Chief Julie Gustaf­ diabetic coma in the bushes is not a now up to Kissel. I returned to son was designated to stay right on pleasant scene. Exactly 33.5 min­ campus to search for other clues. the college campus. Her mission utes later, Belushi arrived at the Things discovered on campus: was to follow around President end of Alden Street and turned 1) Extra sets of handcuffs Falcone (a.k.a. John Belushi) for around to head back. I filled up the 2) Spare briefcases the entire spring break. VW with gasoline and took my time 3) Large collection of blues March 14 — The large hedges getting back to the white house albums surrounding the President’s home considering he was running 22 4) Golf putter in office provided a great spy-hide away for minute miles. Upon his return 5) Cases of Jack Daniels in me to lodge in. I set up my Belushi showered and ate break­ garage binoculars, telescope, canteen, fast. 6) Cartons of cigarettes tuna fish sandwich, and other At 10:30 a.m. Belushi, wearing 7) Grey crew neck sweatshirt necessary equipment in the shrubs sunglasses, loaded his car with two with mustard stains to the north of the white house. suitcases and one briefcase and 8) Blue sweatshirt saying I first spotted John Belushi at peeled out the driveway. I non­ C-O-L-L-E-G-E The Investigative Staff has 6:15 a.m. wearing dark blue sweat chalantly followed him to the Am- 9) Wayfarer (Risky Business pants, white Nike jogging trak station where he purchased a blues) sunglasses made interesting discoveries. sneakers, and a Pace University one-way ticket to New York City. 10) One white dead horse in the hooded sweatshirt. He did seven Being a poor college student I did garage Operation Bluto On Tuesday, March 9,1982 hundreds of close friends and fans attended what was believed to be actor John Belushi’s funeral on Martha’s By A-Me Kissel QUEST. STOP. STAY CASUAL with his two suitcases and his Vineyard. It was revealed in what is now known as a false autopsy report, Manhattan Correspondent AND KEEP IN CONTACT. “sleather” briefcase and pro­ that Belushi had died of a drug overdose. It was also reported that Editor’s Note: Co-Editor-In- STOP JOOLS. ceeded to the 42nd street exit. Belushi’s body was excessively abused from smoking three packs of Chief Amy Kissel’s part of the Stu­ With this telegram clenched in Walking at a rapid “pace” for cigarettes a day, daily habit of snorting cocaine, regular usage of dent’s investigation took place in my hand I hopped onto the Long several blocks, Belushi finally mescaline, traces of 10 to 20 acid trips, and a quaalude habit to boot. As the Big Apple, yes, the location of Island Rail Road bound for the made it to the freshly built Mar­ Belushi was the portrait of a great American comic talent, the public SNL. Read on . . . city. I made it to Grand Central riott Hotel in Times Square. He pressured and demanded so much from him that his life became March 14: My investigation Station by 1:30 a.m. Camouflaged signed in as “Dr. Detroit” and unbearable. Belushi needed to escape, and he used drugs as his outlet. began when I received a telegram by a N.Y. Times, I sat on a bench went up to his suite for the re­ The drug habit only added to his list of problems and complications, and from Co-Groupie Jools Gustafson by track 11 West awaiting the mainder of the day. Probably ex­ he desired a new escape. Being an actor, Belushi was especially talented which read: Springfield train that Belushi was hausted from the trip and especial­ in the costumes and cosmetic department. The Student recently AIMLESS.STOP.FALCONE on. ly the “BAR CAR”. discovered that it was not Belushi’s body found dead in a seedy hotel FLED FROM SC.STOP.LEFT The train arrived promptly at March 15; 12:30 p.m.: Saturday bungalow off Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood. Instead it was a Belushi ON 10:30 A.M. TRAIN FROM 2:32 p.m. and from the “Bar Car” in the Apple. Always exciting. look-alike who agreed to overdose in Belushi’s clothes which had per­ SP R IN G F IE L D TO N Y’S strutted Belushi in his Foster Belushi finally was spotted at sonals in the pockets such as his wallet, pocket watch, and credit cards. GRAND CENTRAL STATION. 1 Grant sunglasses, blue pin striped Sardi’s “doing brunch” with SNL The following is an account of the investigative journalistic records kept STOP. BE THERE BY 2:30 suit, Christian Dior shirt, YSL tie producer Dick Ebersol. I decided by the editors of the Student since first being tipped off on the P.M. SO WE CAN CONTINUE and classic Nike jogging sneakers. to sit in a booth on the other side of whereabouts of John Belushi. THE BELUSHI-FALCONE He stumbled out of the Amtrak car continued on page 2 Page 2, THE STUDENT, Tuesday, April 1,1986

Operation Bluto continued from page 1 Operation Bluto*

the restaurant, next to a signed to be huh Gilda?!” “Don’t you By Richard Becker picture of Kermit the Frog, Ronald miss it Gilda?” Radner replied Editor’s Note: Editor Rich Reagan, and Rambo (all on the with calming words, “No John, it Becker’s part of the Student’s in­ same wall). My concentration on isn’t like the good ol’ days,” and vestigation (in search of the Belushi and Ebersol’s conversa­ “No John, I mean Frank, I don’t mysterious Belushi death) took tion was broken when Woody Allen miss it at all.” Think about that place ‘down south’ as it’s said to be walked in with Hannah and her Belushi fans. exact—Gainesville, and the sisters. All that was noticeable 1:00 a.m. Show over, Radner University of Florida is where about Belushi was an increasingly spends the night in Belushi’s suite Becker quested for information grubby beard and his left eyebrow after heavy partying. pertaining to this subject. was becoming elevated. March 16: Radner and Belushi March 13 — 1 was fired up with 3:30 p.m. Finally, Belushi and sleep all day. John rolls out of bed going home and also excited about Ebersol leave Sardies. Belushi pro­ reads the obituary page of the my sister’s wedding the 23rd. With ceeds to the Minskoff Theater on delivered Sunday Times, his name my bags all packed and expecting 45th and Broadway to watch Peter, is not listed so he absorbed a bag of to adjourn to my place of residence Paul and Mary rehearse for their Doritos and a half gallon of orange in New York, I became, well, concert to raise money for the juice and rolled back to bed for 4 curious at the last second as to why homeless. Peter wasn’t too thrilled more hours. the heck my floor had a different at Belushi’s presence because of 8 p.m. Radner “puts herself janitor. He appeared very sus­ the steady “Excuse Me” com­ together” and leaves the Marriott. picious and informative too. Call it ments. Paul and Mary didn’t have Belushi showers, does not shave, a journalist’s hunch, but I decided any comment to his unrulyness. and puts on a fresh Blues Brothers to fish for some scoop and bingo, I 6:45 p.m. Belushi was followed to struck it rich. Boy did I strike it Becker and Fougere came up with some astonishing revelations when T-shirt and goes down-town for they matched their accounts with the Book WIRED. a hot dog stand in Rockerfeller another hopping evening at “The rich. Center. He hoovered 6 dogs in Underground,” and stumbled in at Greasy Nick. (He called himself suggested never to go to that sec- walked to the party—the car was tion without proper protection) three minutes flat, sat down next to 4:00 a.m. that; I didn’t believe him, but as a r e n t e d — the rink, and let out his distinctive fisher and sometimes fishee, you what they ate, (whopee!) where sorry) diaphramatic burps for 1V2 hours. March 17: St. Patty’s Day respect the sources pseudonym they bowl, (psyched!) and then, 11:45 p.m. —Listening to Lynard 9:15 p.m. Belushi went back to Parade down 5th Avenue. An ex­ and concern yourself with the then she said it. “They’re always Skynard, Allman Brothers, and the Marriott and changed into a cuse for public drunkenness. scoop). He explained that sixteen hangin’ out with them Gamma Tom Petty non-stop, I began to Pace sweatshirt, Levis, Nike run­ Belushi wakes up at 2:00 p.m. and years ago he bumped into Belushi Gamma Kappa girls over at the ponder as to if the guys, mainly ning sneakers and then went back finds his way to the parade by 3:30. at the Gatornational Car Races University. It’s free beer on Satur­ Frankie, would attend the fes­ to Rockerfeller Plaza and met I received a call from Amy Wat­ held in Gainesville, Florida. days and all the gator meat you tivities tonight. Wholly smokes! It Gilda Radner and they sat in on son this afternoon. (Another Curiously enough, he continued to can eat. Y ’all should go there some was actually gator meat, and peo­ Saturday Night Live rehearsals. groupie from the editors staff.) elaborate smoking his butts and night.” March 22,1986 was a Satur­ ple started stuffing their faces. A 11:30 p.m. “Live from New Plans to continue to follow Belushi spitting in this tin cup, “he still day. girl wearing a Hank Williams con­ York, It’s Saturday Night!” All while I do some more in depth in­ spends a lot of time down there and At the Races that day, Frankie cert shirt and donning thick, dark through the show comments es­ vestigation on the SNL set. still hangs out with the college and Joey were pounding beers, eyebrows started picking my caped from Belushi’s lips, into The Falcone-Belushi search is crowd. Gotta go kid, this floor smoking butts and spitting globs. I brain. She inquired about why and Gilda’s ears, “It’s not like it used now up to Watson. needs a cleaning.” Needless to say slyly flipped on my sunglasses and how I showed up in Gainesville. he spit and left to the bathroom. then coyly maneuvered behind “I’m getting some gator meat,” March 20 — Brushing through these guys. I said and quickly eluded her ner­ Operation Bluto the paper, I saw an ad for—you With my head buried in the pro­ vously. guessed it—the Gaternationals. I gram, I tried to listen to their con­ Later—12:02 a.m. — At the meat struck gold! Within the hour I was versation. No Dice. The combina­ tray, staring me square in the eye By Amy Watson on a plane to Gainesville leaving tion of the crowd and the cars was a man wearing a black suit, Northampton Correspondent from Westchester Airport. Later at made it near impossible to hear black shades and smoking a butt. the University Holiday Inn these guys. Funny, the sound of EDITORS NOTE: (diagonally located across from Frankie’s beer burps reminded me “BUURRP!” He belched loudly FEATURES EDITOR Amy Watson logged the following journal as shethe University of Florida), I in­ of something. They were very dis­ and clearly. Right in my face, I followed Belushi about Northampton, MA. quired about tickets to this huge tinctive burps-you know the kind- thought he gave himself whiplash. March 18: I met Amy Kissel at the Saint Patrick’s Day parade. Amy race. The Hotel manager, Pierre, loud, clear, full of life, and from It was then that I put the puzzle says to me, “It’s your turn to follow, but don’t worry . . . it’s elementary asked if I was a spectator or a the diaphram up. I wrote in my together. Sorority, beer, Jack my dear Watson.” I can’t believe this, first Jim Morrison is said to be “special spectator.” Call me a program, “Frankie’s Burps.” Sud­ Daniels, and the Burp—that burp. alive on some island. (National Enquirer, Jan. 20, 1981.) and now I ’m weasel, but I told him I was a press denly a common red neck yelled in He was John Belushi. And I have following a dead comedian, a live comedian, a college president?? I just man for the New York Times and my ear, “y’all through with the heard that burp from the movie, don’t know. I didn’t think Bluto was such a loner. Wow he goes every­ then I received a full Gaternational program?” I ripped out the page I “Animal House.” BELUSHI in where alone. I don’t know how or why but we’re on an Amtrak train right pass. wrote on, relinquished the stupid front of m e!!! “Get outta here now headed for Northampton. I have strategically positioned myself March 21 — First day of the program, and scared and sweaty, punk or I ’m gonna rip your face off diagonally behind him. How smart of me, I can look — even stare at him Races and I saw about six thou­ dashed for my car. right here.” “You’re Belushi. I know it. You’re no Frankie, pal.” I but he won’t even notice me in my dark hat, dark glasses, black suit coat, sand people that resembled AH, my car. Broken windshields stirred him up big time. He tried to and skinny black tie. Get the picture?? I’ve noticed a nasty scruff Belushi. Funny, one guy had a and a flat tire. In the passenger split out the door, but I dove at his developing on his chin. What’s this . . . he’s taking out his wallet. There’s Blues Brothers shirt on and seat a rock with a note read: leg and he fell. My hand got a ticket inside for tonight’s Joan Baez concert at Smith College’s John M. another guy caught my attention “ split punk—I ’m a fullblood stepped on by the lady wearing the Green Hall. Is there a connection between Joan and John besides having wearing a black suit and black sun­ Southerner—you don’t know what Hank Williams shirt. Damn, he the same initials?? Is Joan the mild mannered peace activist we allthink glasses. I was determined to find you’re dealing with.” Fixing the escaped, but a card slipped out of she is or could there be more to this?? Perhaps she is a sixties flower out who these men were. flat I thought about the note. his coat pocket and it read: Pace child drug connection. I guess that answer is blowing in the wind. March 22 — They showed up at Funny, but if this guy was a University, White Plains, New HOURS LATER: The train is stopping. Bluto just got up and belched. Perkins for breakfast; sitting fullblood Southerner, why the heck This is such a pleasant assignment. Bluto has no baggage. He justwalks together eating steak and eggs and did he use you’re not y’all? York 10709. President—Frank Falcone and so on. I put it in my off still wearing his black hat and dark glasses. A few miles down King drinking Jack Daniels on the I really felt like I had just sock and got the hell to the hotel. Street and we finally arrive at the Hotel Northampton. He checks in and I rocks. I asked Sally, the waitress, entered the Twilight Zone or better decide I better go too. I follow him up to suite 512 and continue in­ if she had seen these guys before, yet, thought I was another Carl March 23 — Nope, they didn’t conspicuously to my rented room otherwise known as closet 501 (it was all “Yup, I’ve been seein’ them years Bernstein or Bob Woodward. I felt show up at the races. I expected it, I could afford.) A few minutes later I crack open my door and see Bluto now. You mean y’all don’t know it was my duty to fullfill my obliga­ but I had all the information headed for the men’s room. I wait for him to come out, but it is two hours Frankie and Joey? They’ve been tion at the Gamma Sorority that necessary for my part of the mis­ and forty-five minutes before he reappears. He is staggering, his eyes are cornin’ down here fa’ years now! night. sion. My sister, Julie, got married bloodshot, I can only guess what went on in there among the urinals. And ...” I shut her off and con­ 10:00 p.m. — Entered the sorori­ at 3:00 p.m. A beautiful wedding. Bluto barely makes it to his door. I guess this means we won’t be seeing tinued to pick her mind for info. ty with no hassles. To defray the March 24 — 1 was anxious to get Joan tonight. Boy, now I know why they call it cost of beer or other alcohol, I back to the newsroom with this in­ TWO DAYS LATER: Finally, 48 hours later, Bluto’s door swings open Southern Hospitality. She told me pounded a few at “Stacks,” the formation. I also wondered how and out he comes. I can’t believe he stayed in that room for two straight everything. Where they lived, (she hotel’s restaurant, (by the way I John did in CA. days. What the heck? At this point I am more ready for a clue, some evidence, some action — anything. I follow him to the bus station just south of Steve Harrell’s world famous ice cream parlor. Bluto goes into Harrell’s world famous ice cream parlor. Bluto goes into Harrell’s where Operation Bluto he purchases a double oreo cone with heath bars “smooshed” in. Bluto goes to the bus station, we go and purchase two bus tickets to Bradley In­ By John Fougere driver. I tell him that I just saw a vacummed to the max, which ii ternational Airport. WHY? WHY? Editors Note: As part of the Stu­ dog relieve itself on his car. way too rad, man. He should’v* THREE HOURS LATER: I hate airports. I ’m tired, I’m bored, I’m dent’s exclusive investigation into March 16 — Went to Hugh mellowed out, more like, chille< starved for attention. If only I could come up with a big clue. Finally, the mysterious “death” of actor, Hefner’s Playboy Mansion today, out more, you know. Know when there comes an announcement over the loud speaker . . . “Last call for John Belushi, the editors sent their one of Belushi’s favorite hangouts I ’m coming from ?” Harvan flight 381 to Gainesville, Florida - Last call! ” My Buddha, Bloto is sprint­ West Coast correspondent, John in the city. Was denied access at graduate, I’m sure. Next, I met { ing towards the gate. I have got to get on that plane with him. Through Fougere, to Los Angeles for a week the door by some fat security guy at the bar who plays in a rocl the luggage racks . . . passed the customs agent. . . all the way to the of intense inquiry into this incredi­ guard with bad breath. I tell him band called Brain Damage. H< gate. He actually looked like an overweight track star. Then comes my ble news story. Fougere’s assign­ I’m investigating into the so-called tells me “Yeah dude, I knev break. Just as he squeezes through the boarding gate, his black hat flies ment included trips to seedy bars “death” of John Belushi, and the Belushi. He was like wow, man, i off and lands at my feet. I missed the flight, but at least I’ve got the black in West Hollywood, luxurious man­ guy tells me, in his infinite in­ real heavy dude, ya know?” ! hat, a powerful piece of evidence I can bring back to my superiors. I leave sions in Beverly Hills, the real fast telligence, “He’s dead, you idiot, replied, well, yeah, he did weigl the airport and see a dog chewing on a rubber biscuit — I know now I lane that Belushi rode on the so you won’t find him here.” Smart over 200 lbs. for most of his life .. must return to Springfield to tell of my experiences. Sunset Strip. It was a mind- guy, huh? So I tell him that I’m but this dude says “No, man blowing (as well as nose-blowing) really a photographer for Playboy, heavy. As in really with it, yoi experience, we’re sure. Here’s his and this Einstein tells me “Ya dig?” I think I follow this guy (he report: know, pal, I got a pretty girl you looks like a cross between Dee March 14 — Arrived in the city of could photograph for your maga­ Snider and a gorilla), so I ask him Angels today at noon, rented a car, zine, my girlfriend, Matilda ...” about Belushi’s drug binges. He and went straight to Beverly Hills. Needless to say, I don’t get in. take a long hit from his joint, looks At the Beverly Hills Hotel, I ques­ March 17 — Spent the afternoon stonily at me, and replies “Wellll, tioned some stuck-up snob at the and night on Sunset Boulevard in dude . . . he had his stuff to do, and front desk about Belushi, who West Hollywood, Belushi’s play­ thaaaas cooool . . . and I have stayed here off and on during his ground. I knew I was near some mine, duuuude. . . . , ” with that, he frequent stops in LA. The guy at hot clues, I could just smell ’em. falls over and passes out. Uh-huh. the desk looked at me as if I had First, I hit the Rainbow club on March 18 — Went to On The Rox, Aids and told me he “couldn’t Sunset, an old Belushi hangout. Belushi’s favorite bar, on Sunset. release such information which Met some real brilliant bleached The nerdy-looking schmuck at the might damage the Hotel’s ex­ blondes, the Valley’s finest, who door asks Me, “Are you a member, clusive reputation.” Well Excuse told me “Like, you know, I knew sir?” I tell him, no, but I’m gather­ Me!!! He tells me that HE owns a John Belushi, but his karma was ing info on John Belushi. The guy Porsche and the HE personally too turbulent, you know? He was takes another look at me, turns his knows Johnny Carson’s limo like, totally bitchin’, but he continued on page 3 THE STUDENT, Tuesday, April 1, 1986, Page 3 UNMENTIONABLES The Godfather: An Unknown Owner The Red Reebok by Face This is Salvatore Bernaduciellio. "Star Gazing" Zodiac Style! He is a mobster. He also owns half of Springfield College. When this was discovered, you bet that this trusty newspaper was right on top The April Outlook of it. After searching for three days for this elusive character, he was finally spotted in a dimly lit back by Jools Gustafson room of Sal’s Pizzeria and Sub shop. As we walked in we could smell the thick odor of cigar smoke ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): amid the garlic and pizza sauce. Do you remember those dishes you kicked underneath your bed in He was wearing a lot of tacky September? Your stars are telling you to do some Spring cleaning. By the jewelry, among which was a little way, don’t be alarmed by the smell, just be aware that the dishes will horsie on a gold chain. He had a resemble a tenth grade biology project you once did. And another thing, long, flowing mustache that wig­ Taurus persons figure mathematically. gled when he talked. “Comma in- TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): na! Comma inna!” He cried. “Sit- You have always believed that an abundance of pollen in the air is the ta righta downa anna tella mea cause of your allergies. Get a clue, Hops in all beer beverges are the gen­ whatta youa wanna knowa.” uine cause for allergic reactions. The only cure is to chase each modest Well. We first asked him why on gulp of beer with one closet moth ball. If your birthday is coming soon go earth he would want to own even a out with your friends and stress over old age the entire evening . . . fifth of Springfield College. No of­ Spotlight on short trips to the bathroom. fense, but we didn’t think that sweat and B.O. was quite up his GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20): alley. Mercury is no longer rotating in reverse, this will definitely be your “Oha! Datsa easya! Mya uncle month. You were a good sport all winter long about the frequent direct Antonio, hesa deada nowa, (Poora bring downs, your reward is coming. If you own a Mickey Mouse wrist Guya) mya rival ganga, the watch trade it in immediately for a purple Swatch. Don’t study too much Cocaricchiones,” he went on to ex­ this month, you are better off enjoying yourself. plain, “bumped himma offa. Youa Besidesa ittsa gooda forra mya nicea. Udder dan dat, I tinka CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22); knowwa, cemente shooze, da publik image. I always liked everyting isa O.K.” You will discover a secret admirer, keep it a big secret, it is not some­ works. Wea nebber founda himma, baskitball!” one you would want to brag to your friends about. If you are a Yankee fan poora guya. Wella anyways, hea We asked him if he would like to Just then a swarthy band of don’t be afraid to admit it, keep an eye out for the Cleveland Indians, they lefta itta toa mea. Seemsa hea see any changes on the S.C. cam­ Italians burst into the Pizzeria may be the secret weapon in the American League East. Listen to as wonna itta aboutta sixa yeers ago pus. “Oha shurra! I tinka casino joint and began talking excitedly in much music as possible, there are hidden messages in lyrics for you. inna a poker gamma onna Kinga anna wetta campus coulda their native tongue. Taking that as LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22): Streeta. Hea alwaysa liked ta get greatlee improva da social Ufa. our cue to go, we left with the odor Moon in your sign highlights personality, charisma, and diarrhea. This involved inna da community! Also, I tinka greatta bigga statua of garlic on our clothes and a can be your power play month! Focus on having a good time and party­ Poora guya. I guessa I’lla justa ofa mya poora uncle onna da Adda greater understanding of our new ing. If after you have been partying you lose your focus, then you did a beneficiary, the one and only Sal. habta follow inna hissa footasteps. greena or somwheres woulda bee fine job. Accept a new challenge soon, and eat wheaties for breakfast. VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22): Many answers are found behind the scenes. Before you go looking for Mold For Digestion any answers, go in front of the scenes and find the questions. You become so devoted to Springfield College that you trade in your Gibson for a new I write (music) as a sow piddles.______- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (1756-1791) Russian balalaika. Your friends will be amazed with the triangular body If that skunk ever bites you, you’ll get claustrophobia. -Nadine Martin and three strings. Be confident. Everyone has his hangovers. -Dick Dy as, Jr. LIBRA (SEPTEM BER 23-OCTOBER 22): You are going to be a winner, but expect an occasional mishap such as Well, shudder my timbers! -Roland Levesque burnt Pasghettioes or locking your keys in the car while it is still running. Millions say the apple fell but Newton was the one to ask why. -Bernard M. Baruch Emphasis on friends, hopes, romance, and your pet goldfish. Your stars Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -GrouchoMarx congratulate you on your new wardrobe. You are looking “mighty fine in Give me the order to do it and I can break up Russia’s five A-bomb nests in a week. And when I go up to dem jeans boy.” meet Christ. . . I think I could explain to Him that I had saved civilization. SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21): -Major General Orvil A. Anderson Trust intuition. Pay your tuition. Love this institution. If you are a Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. -George Jean Nathan psychopath, take a bath and wash away all of your hate. There is no reason why you should feel bitter and twisted. Focus on your career and If you’re old enough to drink, You’re old enough to think. keep it in perspective, you have to graduate sometime. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool MOM! -Spanky SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) Good lunar aspect coincides with spiritual values, higher education, continued from page 2 and cyanide. If you receive a phone call any later than one in the morning Operation Bluto tell the caller to “stay tuned” and then blast the stereo in his ear. The nose up in that classic Hollywood Belushi owed her $800 in rent when asked, noticing my SC sweatshirt. relationship with that Yuppie person was not meant to work out as nicely snob fashion, says he’ll ask the he died, etc. She belches loudly at “My brother Frankie is the prez as it has . . . nice work. manager, does an about-face, and me, “If you don’t leave now, I’m there, my friend,” he says this CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19): walks off in his fashionable high calling my husband, Brute!” Be­ Mussolini look-alike. “What a coin­ Be aware of the fact that almost every adult in America has, had, or heels. A little later, the guy returns cause I’m accustomed to the shape cidence,” I said, “Let’s have a will have HEMORRHOIDS. Don’t worry, just sit tight, literally. Dare to and says I can enter. I strut in, of my face, I left. When I got out, I drink in the bar.” We walked over be different. Be aware of legal twists, and illegal tunis. Protest anything winking at the waitresses and find my car has been stripped to to the airport bar, had a few you disagree with especially the use of the rhesus monkey for lab ex­ celebrities (is that Judge Reinhold the skeleton. I thought that only drinks, when he suddenly whipped perimentation. Be aware of any person who acts like a genuine “Ajax.” over there?), and take a seat. happens in New York!! Oh well, if out a picture of his brother. To my AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18): Thought I’d grab some dinner, I leave now, I could make the air­ astonishment, IT WAS HIM!!! The There were reasons why your prayers were not answered last month. If until I saw how much a ham sand­ port by foot by tomorrow. It’s only picture he held before me was you pray those same prayers again this month you still will have no luck. wich went for ($8.95?). “I’m not 30 miles . . . Bluto, John Belushi himself!! My Pray for something a little less materialistic. Change of policy proves hungry,” I lie to the buxom March 21 — 1 was just hangin’ journey to LA was not in vain, for I waitress, “just bring me the beneficial. Now that you have managed to climb out of “The Well” do not out at the airport, waiting on my know now that Belushi lives, as the go back there ever again. Instead, frequent “The Zone.” water.” Later, I sidle over to the flight back east, when a short, ro­ president of Springfield College!!! bar to speak with some seedy- tund Italian guy approached. “Do Now it’s back to school to face the PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20): looking gentlemen who are you go to Springfield College?”, he truth. . You acted like the King of Ajax on your recent birthday. Not only that, hunched over, seemingly rubbing but Spring Break really destroyed your reputation. Nice. Devote this their schnozzes on the table. They month to rehabilitating your reputation. It couldn’t hurt. Don’t be so both seem to have terrible colds, defensive when a good friend is giving you constructive criticism. Keep because they keep sniffling and treading water and learn to love life to the best of your ability. blowing their noses. And it’s 80 degrees outside! Very peculiar. I ask, “Did you know John Belushi?” One of ’em slurs at me (along with a good deal of his saliva) “Yeah, I knew Belushi. . . he was a real nimrod, I hated him . . . you know, it’s his fault we’re at war with the Mongolians!!” Ah, yeah, right. I’m as close to finding the truth about Bluto as Liz Taylor is to virginity. March 20 — Visited the Chateau Marmont Hotel, on the Strip, to­ day. Belushi not only stayed here often, he died here also, supposed­ ly, on March 5, 1982. I went to see the owner, a charming, delightful 6’5” tattoed woman named Bertha. She tells me quite belligerently that I can’t investigate, that The CHATEAU MARMONT HOTEL. . . Belushi’s Death place, or was it? On Sunday, March 23, the editors united in the newsroom. What we had discovered was monumental. After collaborating these careful fact-filled journals, we arrived with some universal conclusions: 1. John Belushi is still alive. 2. Belushi has reformed and turned into the leader of the Administrative Hierarchy at Springfield College. 3. Springfield College is now benefitting from one of society’s profound elites. Page 4, THE STUDENT, Tuesday, April 1,1986

Morons

Rabbi Kermit Childs Reverend Ken Childs Junior Junior Christianity Judaism Springfield, MA Springfield, MA The other half of the Childs team, he was at Westfield An identical twin, this boy (and his brother) have on Saturday and in the middle of an indiscernable com­ single handedly given new meaning to the word klutz. bination of flips and and turns became so entangled in At a home meet last Saturday he fell off of the beam the rings that the officials had to cut the ropes. twenty-four times consecutively, promoting the judge to yell “Get the Hell off before you hurt yourself! ” The St. Mick's Mouth Spring Grid PreviewPetersburger's By Mick Viller The Dodgers should be good too. By Rocko Gambino Haven the Defense will undoubted­ Well, the finishing touches are Be sure to get outand root for your Jocular Consultant ly suffer. That man was a great View being put on the NBA season. With favorite team!!! Springboard University football college player . . . I know it is hard By Richard Becker the playoffs coming, it’ll be a mat­ Well, football season is over, and players dread the week after to believe that he was good by look­ Sports Editor ter of life or death for the teams the $64,000 question now is: What is Spring Break. The reason is that ing at him now. I think after his St. Petersburg, Fla. — Breezing that make it, and back to the old the Fridge doing? He’s been doing Spring ball starts the day the guys coaching career, he might try out through the transactions today, I drawing board for those who don’t. a lot of commercials, for McDon­ return to school. Waking up at 5:00 for the “after” picture in a “I lost saw that the Mets traded Dwight The teams with the best chance of alds, Kraft, and last but not least, a.m., running plays, smashing 20 lbs. in a week.” Gooden to the Texas Rangers for winning that coveted trophy, the Coke. With Perry’s great season, heads and grunting is no way to go Coach KEPT is contemplating Larry Parrish, four minor lea­ NBA Championship, are the Cel­ the writing was on the wall that he through college life. Spring ball is singing for the Western Production guers, and unlimited supplies of tics and Lakers. It goes without would have to do a lot of com­ necessary . . . I mean Friday night Circus after the Coaching career is Coke: Not Diet Pepsi. saying that the best team should mercials and he is. The Fridge fights, cheap shots, getting key over. His top 10 hit “Mama Don’t It seems that manager Davey win. could be great again next year. players injured for career. That’s Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Johnson and Mets owner Nelson Well, Spring Training has begun Wait ’til next year!!!! RIGHT, SPRING BALL is needed Football Players” will give him a Doubleday are extremely dis­ for Major League Baseball teams at Springboard U. shot to make it big. appointed in Dr. K’s acting perfor­ down south in sunny, warm, balmy Well, last week the NCAA Final Just ask Coach SoLong how long Coach Wipe will lead the fearless mance in the commercial. After Florida. The Grapefruit League is Four was set. It was Louisville, he things he will last as head Coach young running backs of Spring­ careful consideration to the N.L. in full swing, and teams to watch L.S.U., Duke and Kansas. They at the well respected home of the board U this Spring. Coach, an ex- ’85 Cy Young winner and an abun- are the Yankees and the Dodgers. met this past weekend in Dallas to Chumps. He must prepare his QB at Springboard, feels that the dancy of viewing of the com­ The Yanks are usually surrounded crown a new champion. The tour­ team in the Spring, for the upcom­ Chumps will win MORE than mercial, Johnson and Doubleday by a storm of protest, and this year nament is always exciting, but this ing fall season. Last year Coach Three games this upcoming year. decided to can the star pitcher. I tiie burning issue could be how new year took the cake. Here’s hoping SoLong often argued with Coach The Springboard U squad better investigated the move and talked manager Lou Pinella does. Pinel- your team did well this y ear!!!!! HowLong about the play calls. I be ready to pop . . . no fellas, not with some management person. la, in a daring new move, has said Well, that’s it for this week. See don’t blame the head Mentor one soda pop, I mean each other. “I know he was great, but that’s that he’s going to give Yankee Hit­ you next week, sports fans. Have a bit. I mean, How long is Coach Coach reminds all players with a .8 the key word; was. He’s getting a ters the green light to swing away good one, take it easy, be cool, HowLong going to call an option on grade point average and above do little too old for this team and Tide­ more often, as well as giving a hang in there, and all those other fourth and one? How about the bril­ not have to report to study hall. I water says these prospects will helping hand to his pitching staff. great cliches. liant brain storm at AIC, when hope the Chumps have a good time turn up roses for us. Left-fielder Coach HowLong called a sprint in Fort Lauderdale because Coach Parrish adds a new dimension to pass on a crucial fourth and inches. HowLong will be able to notice the our team. He’s a third-baseman at I mean, give me a break! I say get bellies and make you pay for it. I heart and that’s why we got him. a new offensive coordinator whose mean, really, he should know when We love those .250, slow running, favorite dance is not the TANGO- he sees a gut — He sees it every poor fielding guys. As it is, all we ONE, TWO, THREE, KICK; HEY day in the mirror. HAPPY APRIL have is a Geritol man and a food that is just like our offense. FOOLS DAY!!! chain man. Parrish adds depth.” With Coach Shrub gone to New Then I inquired about the com­ mercial. “Well, Dwight didn’t have it in the commercial. We expected more for the team. The team is what we are concerned about; not Dwight’s pocket. His acting debut didn’t live up to our standards, we wanted the attracted Ed Krane- pool look. Granted it sounds like a bad trade, but we’re used to it. Anyway Finch just returned from SPRINGFIELD - Springfield basic mechanical principles, and the French Horn Festival in the College men’s swim coach Charlie he is helping the Chinese develop Himmalaya’s and says he’s ready Smith is currently participating in an aquatic library. He has also for the bigs.” a three-week tour of Mexico, given a series of clinics in Aruba, Reports have it that the Mets presenting a series of coaches’ and recently Smith was presented management is pursuing Catfish clinics at the invitation of the Mex­ the Master Coaching Award by the Hunter out of retirement. Ap­ ican government. College Swimming Coaches parently his appearance in that Smith is one of five American Association of America at the Diet Pepsi commercial is what the coaches selected through the Na­ World Clinic. Mets want. That’s all from St. tional Association for Sport and Coaches from such diverse na­ Petersburg folks, look for my next Physical Education. Also on the tions as Venezuela and China have report soon. tour, which began on Saturday, come to Springfield to study under June 24, are coaches in track, Coach Smith, including current basketball, sports psychology and assistant Li Jiam in—the first Do you have foot odor? Are people of­ recreation. They return to the woman from China to pursue her fended when you take off your shoes? United States on Saturday, July 12. Doctor of Physical Education Then rap your latest issue of the Stu­ A 1955 graduate of Springfield degree. dent around your feet inside your College who resides in Wilbraham, A member of the Springfield Col­ shoes. Didn’t you realize that your Coach Smith has become a much lege faculty since 1968, Coach versatile school newspaper doubles sought after clinician with exten­ Smith has helped lead the Chiefs to as an odor-eater!! What the hell, we sive research in swimming techni­ ten New England titles and he an­ have to absorb the verbal smell on que. Two years ago he was invited nually directs the New England campus anyway!! to the Beijing Institute of Physical Championships at Springfield’s Education in China to lecture on Linkletter Natatorium. Coach Smith . . . rumored to be somewhere in Mexico.