HONI SOIT

I Fell For A Catfish, What Emojis Sound Like 6 Dirty Vegan Coke 8 Stanmore Maccas is Dangerous, Sleep Deprivation 10 Colour Run, undone 16 How To: All-Day Happy Hour 20 Bees Can Smell Cancer 21 The editors of Honi Soit and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. If you are reading this, you are standing on Aboriginal land. Please recognise and respect this. We acknowledge both our privilege and our obligation to redress the situation as best we can: to remember the mistakes of the past, act on the problems of today, and build a future for everyone who calls this place home, striving always for practical and meaningful reconciliation. Contents

4-5: Wom*n’s Revue returns - Lecture recording fallout - No Time for Writing - Young Labor Drinks - Sutherland 18-19: Powdered alcohol - Dead author talks - Racism Reclaimed - Pay gap politics on Saturday Leadership’s a bad word - Broken video games - Privacy at uni 6-7: Falling for Catfish - Strangled at the AFL - Talking 12-13: University self-help - Write nicer reviews - Game emjois - Learning to text - Stay at home Dads - Things of Thrones litigated 20-21: Quizzing twins - 24-happy hours - Flash fiction - I learnt Kid’s party at 20+ - Bees smell cancer 14-15: J-swipe, Jewish Tinder - Shanghai bubbles - Press 8-9: Mindy’s bother, ‘model minority’ - Cricket euphoria stud vs Button - World records, failed - Tanya Plibersek 22: Run from Board - Gronks on Board - Quack medicine - Dirty vegan cocaine - Uber drove me home monologues - Facebook’s experiment 27-30: The Garter Press 16-17: Colour run undone - Six hour art film - Popping 10-11: Legs waxed - Maccas is Dangerous - Sleep pimples - Kissing young Liberals 31: Puzzles Deprivation - Faculties in Verse - Faculties Drawn -

Editorial

his week in Honi we’ve thrown out the feature and the (rare) potential to be a truly creative outlet and the In many ways, the job for our contributors has been all our regulars. We’ve gone short form—all articles extent of diverse collaboration it enables is a testament harder. Limited time, limited words, limited characters. 500T words or less. There’s first person, there’s fiction and to that. This week, there are whopping 40 contributors. But it’s also been a chance to break out of routine and there’s poetry. We’re celebrating good stories, told in as That’s 30 writers and 10 artists producing more than 60 experiment. many different ways as possible. To be honest, you’ll find pieces of content. A bulk of them are our newly-recruited little rhyme or reason to any of the pages. But that’s sort first year and international student reporters and artists The regulars will be back. But for now, enjoy this—we of the point. It’s the issue to loosen up a little. To capture who are being published, for the first time, in this edition. think it’s the good kind of mess. all the jumbled, mad mess of creative talent on campus. You’ll read about Catfish and being strangled at the Joanna Connolly From the start, we’ve aimed to fillHoni with as many AFL. There are monologues of an Uber driver and the voices as we could find. We want this paper to honour the ramblings of a dead author. Someone goes to hospital for breadth of experience you encounter at university. It has popping a pimple.

Credits

Editor-in-Chief: Joanna Connolly Julia Clark, Ang Collins, Swetha Das, Katie Davern, Daniel Cover art: “How The Sausage Is Made” Farinha, Bianca Farmarkis, Alex Gillis, Imogen Grant, Max Back cover: “We Are The Honi Soit Team” - Dominic Byrne Editors: Tim Asimakis, Alex Downie, Dominic Ellis, Hall, Joel Hillman, Tim Jackson, Sam Langford, Summer Sophie Gallagher, Samantha Jonscher, Patrick Morrow, Lea, Henry Lynch, Sam Murray, Astha Rajvanshi, Alix Artists/Illustrators: Bryant Apolino, Stephanie Barahona, Alexi Polden, Peter Walsh, Rebecca Wong. Sanders-Garner, Max Schintler, Elle Triantafillou, Isabella Ang Collins, Eric Gonzales, April Kang, Michael Lotsaris, Trimboli, Suvarna Variyar, Perrin Walker, Victoria Zerbst. Paden Hunter, Alice Race, Monica Renn. Contributors: Eliza Bicego, Dominic Byrne, Cameron Caccamo, Jayce Carrano, Rhys Carvasso, Adam Chalmers, Proofreaders: Lachlan Deacon. Puzzles: EN.

Disclaimer: Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney NSW 2006. The SRC’s operation costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors of student publications: Christopher Warren, Serena May, James Rusiti, Ilya Klauzner, Charlie O’Grady, and Alison Xiao. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. letters

Response to Clare Fisher

Dear Editors,

In terms of the article presented by Clare Fester on BDS and anti-Semitism, I would like to stress that while there is debate pertaining to whether the movement is in and of itself antisemitic, (dependent on whether proponents advocate boycott of settlement products only and differentiate between Israeli produce within and without the Green line), there is no doubt that the false accusations made at BDS rallies fosters antisemitism.

For me, the accusation that Israel is committing genocide, which is patently not true, is a form of antisemitism and I find it highly offensive. I made my quoted comment in that context, since for genocide to occur, intent has to be demonstrated. No elected Israeli government has ever advocated the genocide of the Palestinian people and since the Oslo agreement of 1993 all have recognized the right for a Palestinian state to exist side by side with Israel.

On the other hand, the Hamas Charter, that is the Islamic Resistance Movement, clearly contains clauses that stir up hatred to the Jews of Israel and so promote genocide. The Charter begins with a quotation from Hassan al-Banna, the founder of the Muslim Brotherhood: “Israel will exist and will continue to exist until Islam will obliterate it, just as it Dollars & Incensed obliterated others before it”. Dear Honi, In addition, many supporters of BDS free debate. The protestors declared aim advocate the ‘one state solution’ and when was to shut down any engagement and Last week’s ‘Dollars & Sense’ column This purely punitive amount reflects in no they chant ‘From the River to the Sea’ or they achieved that aim for 20 minutes, compared a seven dollar library fine to way the cost to the library or fellow stu- ‘Free Palestine’, they are advocating the traumatizing the Jewish members of the (also $7) very reasonably priced jug of dents of ‘late’ books, and can see students end of the Jewish state. As such, they are the audience, including myself, many lager at the Forest Lodge Hotel. Howev- out $20 for accidentally leaving a two hour privileging Palestinian nationalism over of whom are descendants of Holocaust er, if the editors had borrowed (or read) book on their desk for 1hr and 15mins, Jewish national rights, which to me is survivors, with the totally false accusation a book since 2012 from Fisher Library exactly the price of three jugs of Flodge highly problematic. of genocide. they would know that the smallest library lager, after you have picked up the $1 coin fine you can accrue is $10, the fine for one someone left on the side of the pool table Also, it is incorrect to state that Martin Luther King stated: “Peace is not overdue day, or (2hr loans) overdue hour, for no obvious reason. throughout history Jews and Arabs were merely a distant goal we seek, but a means and also the minimum repayment on such always equal. In Islam, Jews are dhimmi, by which we arrive at that goal”. I believe a fine. Regards, or ‘protected ones’. To ensure protection, that we should work for peace through Ryan Hunter Jews had to pay an extra tax, the jizya, and creating dialogue and understanding so follow other restrictions to indicate the that two states—Palestinian and Israeli— sovereignty of Islam. Whilst how strictly can exist side by side in peace, rather than these restrictions were enforced varied, shutting down that dialogue as BDS and there were many positive periods in advocates. Oops Islamic history, there were also periods of massacres, such as in 1033 in Fez, Suzanne D. Rutland, OAM Corrections from Oweek Morocco, and 1066 in Granada. Professor Department of Hebrew, Biblical & Jewish Honi apologies to SUPRA for mislabelling a piece in the Oweek As the protest at the Colonel Kemp Studies edition a ‘President’s Report’. It does not reflect the intentions of its lecture demonstrated, BDS supporters do University of Sydney author Tim Scriven nor SUPRA as an organisation. not allow both sides to engage in open and

If you have thoughts, feelings, or opinions please email [email protected]. 3 news & analysis

A Wom*n’s Place is in the Spotlight

Julia Clark on the long awaited return of the USyd Wom*n’s Revue.

fter years of failed attempts to restart Lee-Kennedy and Alice Workmen, was a voices in the comedy scene, citing the fact the board, people of varying abilities the USyd Wom*n’s Revue, Sophia huge success, touring as The Princess Ca- that the first twelve years of Arts Revue struggle to gain representation on stage. RobertsA and the freshly elected executive beret after its performance in the Sound didn’t see a wom*n director. In the past five In its fledgling performance, Wom*n’s are leading the charge in 2015. Unlike the Lounge. Issues with funding and partic- years, four wom*n have directed the revue Revue seeks to represent a variety of larger, flashier faculty revues, identity re- ipation halted subsequent performances but all with a male co-director. While wom*n regardless of previous experience. vues are typically performed for one night with only the 2011 Ghoul’s Night making the Science Revue break-down reads Ultimately, the objective is to creative in a smaller venue like Manning Bar. They it to the stage. Since then, the society has better with an equal split between male a safe space for wom*n to express their aim to provide the same executive, pro- remained dormant. and female production team members in interest in comedy and performance and duction, and performance experience to the last four years, the trend remains that to learn in a manner otherwise denied students who haven’t had the opportuni- Following disappointing and frustrating wom*n’s voices are given considerably less them. ty to get involved in other performances. experiences in other revues, the executives opportunity in leading production and Wom*n’s Revue is an autonomous produc- and production teams of the establishment performance roles. With only four weeks before the May tion where all students who identify as, or and re-establishment of Wom*n’s Revue 13th performance, the process is due to have lived experience as a wom*n are wel- want to directly combat the lack of Roberts has particular criticism for the be intensive but it allows students to be come to get involved. opportunities for wom*n to perform lack of intersectionality where students involved without excluding themselves on campus. Roberts, 2014 Arts Revue of different cultures, identities, and from the faculty revues in second semester. The inaugural performance of the Wom- Co-Director and 2015 Wom*n’s Revue abilities are under represented in campus Despite under-representation in the past, *n’s Revue in 2007, directed by Brydie President and Co-Director, speaks of the performance. In 2014, the Arts Revue there is plenty of talent to go around. difficulty for wom*n to establish their cast had no people of colour and across

This Lecture Will Now Be Televised

Samantha Jonscher on staff resistence to mandatory lecture recordings.

he University’s new pilot lecture Staff voiced concerns about the proposal At an April 8th forum on the subject, many recording program has been met in an open letter addressed to the Deputy staff, including those who signed the letter, withT resistance from University staff. The Vice Chancellor (Education) Phillipa voiced support for recording their lectures. program will see all lectures automatically Pattison, which was signed by 150 recorded; staff who wish to opt-out members of staff. The issue seems to be less about lecture re- will only be able to do so if they have cordings themselves than it is about staff permission from their Dean. In the The open letter outlines a number of ped- being forced to do them and the way that Arts faculty, lecturers who take first year agogical concerns: concerns that students this policy has come to pass. Associate subjects are not able to opt-out. This pilot will be less likely to attend class, concerns Professor Charlotte Epstein has called the program will run for the first semester of that students will be able to absorb less us- University’s approach “top down” and says 2015. ing the Echo 360 streaming service. that staff were not consulted.

The University says this proposal came in response to student feedback. Lecture recordings are extremely useful for students with disabilities, students with English as a second language, students who have to work to support themselves and they are necessary if faced with an uncompromising lecture clash.

Is free Rehearsal spaces all around rehearsal the city free for students and space school groups. music Search ‘rehearsal space’ on cityofsydney.nsw.gov.au to your to find out more. ears? news & analysis

I’m Not a Racist, But...

Imogen Grant spoke to protestors at the Reclaim Australia rally.

n April 4, racists and neo-Nazis While at the rally, I spoke to a protester were not fringe opinions at the RA rally. was attending a rally which opposed mul- congregated nation-wide for the who bragged that he partook in the Cro- ti-culturalism, he replied that he was only OReclaim Australia (RA) protests, in an at- nulla Riots, and said that if he had his way However, I also spoke to an Egyptian-Ital- opposed to “Islamic extremism” and that tempt to ‘regain’ an Australia with the eth- he would “get a missile launcher and shoot ian man, one of the only non-white pro- he didn’t agree with the racist sentiments nic and religious diversity of Neighbours all ‘em muzzies.” When speaking about testers, who despite being in the vicinity of his fellow protesters. Despite this, he circa 1985. After attending the Anti-Rac- his experience at the Dubai Internation- of people with swastika tattoos, appeared was an active RA supporter and one of ist Counter Rally, I sold my soul to the al Airport, he told me that he wanted “to shocked when I mentioned the racist com- the more animated protesters. This is due devil and visited the RA Rally at Martin concrete over the whole lot of ‘em.” These ments I had heard. When I asked why he to the way the far-Right movement has Place in order to gauge just how fucked up achieved broad ranging appeal through some Australians can be. their populist agenda and by co-opting the language used by government and Arriving at Martin Place, I entered a sea of media in discussion of terror threats Islamophobic and racist placards stating and asylum seekers. Active members “Ban the Burqa,” “Assimilate or Leave,” who do not fully identify with the “No to Sharia,” and my favourite, “Our movement’s racism, nonetheless, em- Women are Equal,” a slogan obviously not power it through their involvement. written by a woman. An entire speech was devoted to the issue of Halal certification, Whilst concerns about the rise of fas- with protesters chanting “Bring Vegemite cism in the wake of the RA rallies may Back”. These Aussie patriots are so Islamo- be overstated, the truth is that in a po- phobic that they cannot consume any Ha- litical climate where the ALP is seen as lal certified products, not even Vegemite, bourgeois, where far-Right parties have which contains no meat. The stupidity in populist agendas, and where racism the protesters’ views was staggering, espe- and Islamophobia are increasingly nor- cially their belief that the fees for Halal malised by the press and government, certification support terrorism. Unaware there already exists the framework for of the irony, white protesters appropriat- a strong ultra-nationalist right in Aus- ed the Indigenous flag and incorporated tralia. it into their demands to reclaim Australia.

Coalition Opts to Reduce Costs by Having More Women in Parliament

Jayce Carrano reports.

he government has taken budgetary belt-tightening into its own hands, vowing to remove a few belts and pants and replace them withT skirts. Last week, treasurer Joe Hockey announced the inclusion of more women in parliament as a necessary cost-cutting sacrifice. When asked about the move, he said ‘we have to look outside the box, so we’re now looking to include more box in cabinet’.

Analysts agree the government will save millions. One commentator, Mr Showe Vinist, said: “Women are the Aldi of the workforce: not really your preference but times are tough so you just have to deal.” In Australia, it’s standard to pay women 18 per cent less but observers agree the gov- ernment could stretch that to 25 if they opt for some two-for-one deals.

Vinist also suggested the move would drastically reduce the possibility of leadership spills by removing people who Coalition voters might see as potential leaders and replacing them with women.

The move certainly hasn’t been welcomed by the Coalition heartland. The hashtag ‘#mowomenmoproblems’ began trending on Twitter several hours after the Coalition confirmed the plan, though was later overtaken by ‘#waitwomenwhatwhy’.

5 in too deep

Never Gawk at a Hawk A Picture’s Worth 3-4 Words

Sophie Gallagher’s friend was lost for words. Rebecca Wong laments that there are no emojis for blind people.

s anyone still at UTS? I left my bag there loudly crying face loudly crying “Iface.”

My friends tell me I’m emotionally stunt- ed. You would be too if all you had to express yourself in text messages and on Facebook were half-hearted approxima- tions of emojis dictated by a speech syn- never knew how important AFL was to him to hear me, but he stumbled right thesiser in place of cheery, crappy pictures. Melbournians. I only attended my first back in, screaming, “You watch out, you My emojis are read by a genderless robot Iever AFL game last week, Hawthorn vs don’t think I can hurt you?” with a perpetually jaded inflection and a Geelong at the MCG, which I’m told was truly stupid understanding of the human a big match to see. Wearing a borrowed “No!” we laughed, thinking we’d shown face. Sydney Swans scarf in cheap general ad- him. mission seats, I notionally barracked for “I’ll see you soon face with wide open Geelong (apparently, Hawthorn beat Syd- Out of nowhere, he lunged (as well as a mouth and squinting eyes.” ney in the Grand Final and I was supposed drunken football hooligan can) with arms to be outraged about this). I left the match outstretched, and aimed for the loudest See how effortlessly the feeling carries. impressed, and softly committed myself to one of us. Going straight for his neck, Is my friend happy to see me? Or is she follow AFL more closely from now on. he latched onto my friend, proceeding contorting her features into an anatomi- to strangle and shake him like a rag doll. cally impossible grimace at the prospect? Later that night, friends and I who at- Bar staff and patrons swarmed, pulling the She might just be looking at something in tended the game went out to explore Mel- guy off and pushing him to the door. My the middle distance. Maybe I’d rather not bourne nightlife—something I was much friend stood, confused and angry, as the know. more interested in. Even in swanky bars, I rest of us looked on bemused. We received noticed that the locals still wore their AFL 10 per cent off all of our drinks, and some I can’t even discern the difference between merch proudly. free shots from the bar to make up for it. a “sort of unhappy face” and a “vaguely un- The other patrons who helped remove the happy face”. This may be the reason for my I was sitting at the Gin Palace drinking a strangler came and joined us. We all be- many, awful dates. fish bowl sized G&T, when a very drunk gan laughing hysterically at the absurdity older man wearing a Hawthorn jersey, of the situation. “The funniest thing about The obstacle is alienating enough that I’ve beanie and scarf, stumbled in just to find this is that I don’t even know where Haw- started appending disembodied thumbs the nearest bathroom. The guy was com- thorn is,” I said. and :)s to every message. I can’t see them. pletely smashed and clearly had no idea It’s a weird textual tick, a simulacrum of where he was. He gripped a passing waiter A week later, I still don’t know where human affect. Third-hand feelings, passed and, slurring, asked to be shown how to Hawthorn is. But I do know that if you from person, to phone, to emotionally find the exit. Fierce in my (new-found) ever insult an AFL fan in a bar, you can get challenged android, to emotionally chal- support of the mighty Geelong Cats, I a hefty discount on your bill. lenged me. Is this love? heckled “Typical Hawthorn supporter, can’t even find the exit!” I didn’t expect :(( Hook, Line and Sinker

Daniel Farinha was reeled in by a lie.

right swipe on Tinder and a strategi- I excused away his faults (surely the prod- dow. The ensuing photo, with the cat on he landed the next day, he said he’d Skype cally chosen “Hey”: the opening line uct of his conservative upbringing). In his his chest, was predictably cute. In it, he me at his friend’s house. He never did. He ofA any tragic romance. He showed initial “not terribly PC” words, “[g]ay guys aren’t appeared much younger than in his profile blocked me on Tinder. My text messages disinterest, which (for an insecure mas- exactly easy to find or spot. And those that (people’s apparent age varies all the time, no longer reach him. My reflection on the ochist like myself ) rendered me imme- I can tell are gay usually aren’t my type”. right?). 2.5-day love affair? Better to be the fisher- diately smitten. I pressed him to proffer The line was titillating for me, as it would man than the catfish. more than 1-2 word responses to my des- be for seemingly any other oppressed He was in a meeting for the entirety of the perate questioning and he obliged, feeding middle-class, white, male homosexual. following day (presumably, this happens me ever more reasons to believe that Tin- We planned to meet the following Fri- in the IT industry). I know this because der had delivered me perfection. He was day, as he was going to Melbourne. In the I begged him to send me more photos a strapping, MIT-educated, small-town meantime, my friends (accustomed to my of himself. He was flying down the next American from Point Piper looking for tendency for melodrama) quickly tired of morning and I wanted to quash all doubts a “significant other” but open to “what- hearing how rapidly I had fallen in love. before the long weekend. His excuses were ever”; a Republican voter who didn’t like One even suggested he may be a fake, an multiple and varied. He fell asleep early, their portrayal as “gun toting, gay hating, idea I refused to entertain, trying not to his distance suggesting that he was not mysoginistic (sic) assholes”; and a Baptist let my self-doubt sabotage the nascent where he claimed. I incessantly checked who didn’t “push it on people”. His char- relationship. I pressed him to send more when last he was online. I googled him, acter was thoroughly, even implausibly, photos. He obliged, after noting that the searched him on Facebook, Instagram, complex. neighbour’s cat had jumped into his win- LinkedIn and Twitter. Nothing. When 6 in too deep

Working Yaya and Pop His Arse Off Elle Triantafillou

Eliza Bicego’s call my grandfather “Pop”. Some of cool, especially for a yiayia. One time her in the Catering Department at Qantas. dad is just like yours. my cousins call him “papou”, which is Nissan Pulsar got keyed in the car park My favourite text message she has ever Ithe Greek word for grandpa. One of my and we were all really angry but Yaya sent is: “Ok chao xx Yaya” but when I tell e would wake me up at 6.30am in cousins calls him “Papou Pop”. Everyone eventually forgave whoever did it, putting my friends about my grandma’s foray into the morning so I could have break- finds this funny, including Papou Pop. faith in karma and security cameras. cosmopolitanism I quote it as “Ok chao xx Hfast with Mum before she went to work. Often when I’m over at their house, Papou yiayia”. He made my black Labrador jump up Pop will ask me to show him how to send One day she hurt her back. Maybe it was onto my bed and bark at me until it could text messages, which I do, but he’ll often something specific to the StarGames job, see signs of life. forget how to delete a message or find but maybe it was the inevitable result of the punctuation keyboard and I’ll have to working in manufacturing over many He would make me lunch and walk me show him again. My grandmother’s name years. StarGames had to make sure Yaya to school, well into my high school years. is Helen/ Eleni but I call her Yaya, which did something different so that her back He would do my washing, proof-read my is like an Australian version of “yiayia”. wasn’t in so much pain. She got placed essays, and yell at me when I left cotton When I refer to her in conversation to into this admin job that I’m pretty sure buds on the bench in the bathroom. He friends I call her “yiayia”. This is to make they invented just for her. I think it had once stayed up past midnight painstaking- her seem more authentic. Yaya is much something to do with Worker’s Comp. I ly spray painting the windmill I made for a better at texting than Papou Pop. don’t really know what she did in this job year six science project. but she learnt how to email and she’d send Yaya used to work in a factory in Milperra my mum emails throughout the day just He is my father, a man who stayed at home manufacturing the electrical components saying hi. My mum would then forward for the majority of my schooling years. of poker machines for a company called the emails to me and this would make StarGames. She would weld small mum, Yaya and I happy. This puts him, according to the Australi- electronic pieces onto green boards, or an Bureau of Statistics, in a group of men at least that’s what it sounded like when I think this is why Yaya is so much better that make up less than 1 per cent of the I asked. It also sounded high tech and at texting than Papou Pop, who worked Australian population. This is in a society where women make up more than 45 per cent of the workforce. Things I’ve Learned Not To Listen To Sometimes I still pause before telling peo- ple. I feel like they’re always waiting for a Content warning: Suvarna Variyar discusses responses to assault. reason for why my dad is my stay at home dad. Is he a bludger? Feminine? Is my hat’s horrible,” he says, and Here is what I have learned: mum a tyrant; does she wear the pants and I shrug. crack the whip? How could his masculin- “T 1. Trusting may hurt my body and my ity allow it? “Yeah, I agree. I kind of turned horse-sex- mind, but loneliness will break my heart. ual for a bit there — in a non-sexual way,” I will have faith that ‘may’ is conditional So I satisfy them with stories of his retire- I hasten to add, “but I’m okay now.” enough for me to try. ment, of his university education and his 2. Fear is a cage, a trap, a snare. Paranoia prowess at fixing cars when they break. I He sighs, heavily. Instinctively, I steel my- makes us bitter and cold. Vigilance keeps talk about how he and his friends invented self for something accidentally pitying or us alive. I would like to live. one of the first fully autonomous electric condescending. Instead, I get something a 3. A house is safety, a nest, comfort. But it wheelchairs in the 70s. I spin him into little worse. isn’t growth, not really. Wings don’t work an eccentric academic, an easily digesti- if they aren’t stretched. ble character that won’t disrupt anyone’s “But did you learn anything from it?” he 4. I used to keep sewing needles in my world view too dramatically. asks. “Like, did you take anything away, schoolbag, to guard against a persistent I mean in hindsight, is there anything you Here is a list of things that hindsight button at the top of my school shirt. I want to not need a justification for his would have done differently?” would have me say, that day: I pricked myself a million times before existence. I left it, and the button, at home. (This isn’t Hell yes, I think a little bitterly. But that’s 1. Do not trust. Do not trust men, ever; meant to be deep; it’s actually true). I want to tell them about how he cries the thing about hindsight. not friends nor strangers nor brothers nor 5. I’ll scream until my throat is raw. But I’ll in the sad parts of movies, and the hap- lovers. Men will wear beautiful masks and also sing along to Evanescence in the car. py parts of reality television. I want to “No,” I reply. It’s true. keep them on while they tear at your soul. I’ll cheer the end of an opera till my words tell them how much he worries about my 2. Do not drink, or be tired, or be sad, or are husky whispers. mother. I want to tell them about how he What would I have done differently? confused. Be wired up on caffeine, para- can be a cantankerous bastard when peo- That’s what he asked; but it’s not what he noid and ever-vigilant. I will not associate my voice with fear, or ple rub him the wrong way. I want to tell meant, not really. It’s a polite way of say- 3. Do not leave the house. The house is the world with hatred. them about the time I was in hospital, my ing much uglier things. Would you have safety, when the doors are locked and the head feeling like it was going to explode dressed more modestly? Would you have windows barred. I will keep fighting, and I will keep living. from the bacteria infecting the mem- been less naïve? Would you have taken 4. Keep weapons in your bag, your hand, branes around my brain, and he stayed up the safer route home? Would you not have your underwear. Use them to stab and I’ve learned that cruelty happens, that all night, next to me, describing the differ- had that whole glass of wine? break, and do not hesitate. I will be hurt. ent colours the sky would be when the sun 5. Scream until your throat is raw, because rose the next morning. It’s a pretty lie; that we control the deci- you’ll scream later either way. And I’ve learned that life will go on, if sions of those around us by our own ac- I choose to let it. Maybe one day I will. tions. I rarely listen to hindsight. 7 perspective Eavesdropping Plotting Your Day

Anonymous rode the bus. Samantha Jonscher is either paranoid or right.

“You’re lucky—you’ve lucked out, you’ll ou are most certainly subject x/1000 you chatted with this person, him, they your feed, gone— not there—did not exist, have hot kids.” in a social science experiment on knew that it meant ‘goodbye’. Maybe they suddenly he was there, he was everywhere, “He’s also lucky, it’s not just me who’s Facebook.Y They do those you know, on could tell how long you would be away every third story. Now all you think about lucky.” you. At any given time, apparently, (NPR for, maybe they knew that you were drunk is him and how him might be a good idea. “I just hope I can find someone intelligent podcast), you are participating in at least during that conversation, maybe they keep And now you are here, walking home, and and attractive, because otherwise I’ll just ten. And you will never know. Maybe you a profile of your chat speak patterns and you are going to message him because it’s settle for attractive.” had a bad day last week. And you weren’t know when you are in a ‘different state’, 1am and he is ‘active’ and you know in “What about [name redacted]?” supposed to have a bad day. You had a bad maybe they have an equation for the way the bottom of your heart that tomorrow “We have nothing in common but day because the ALGORITHM knew you speak. some social scientist at Stanford is going heterosexuality. And even then.” that since January 2013 that you and that to look at the print out results from the friend speak on average once every 5.7 Maybe the ALGORITHM has vectorised ALGORITHM’S evening work and months, but back before January 2013 you—you—and you are an equation. An be happy knowing that out of x000 Lines you spoke on average 200 words a day to equation that it can read and substitute participants x% of them were successfully each other (with a reciprocal like factor variables into and the variable that it enticed to do what she wanted them to do. in the Sand of 10:13 that has become 1:1, for none to injected was him, this guy, a guy, the guy none). It knew you would think what she you used to sleep with. And it knew that Eliza Bicego posted was stupid. you were away, and you said ‘the goodbye’ on the ethics of Coke. and then it knew that you were back. It People, person, academic, somewhere, was waiting and it waited and now, either someone wanted you to have a bad day. because of some social science rule of And so you did. thumb or some section in your equation, it knows that it’s been about three months Maybe they have a lexicon of words that and you are really sexually frustrated. So mean goodbye and maybe the last time even though he, him, he, was gone from ames is a vegan.

JHe has so far managed to dodge the siren call of 4am doner kebabs and, has Running Out the Years maintained the right to hold his head high and ask with conviction, “I’m sorry, but is Rhys Carvosso has many feelings while watching the cricket. there dairy in the vegetarian flan?”

He questions a barista for twenty minutes on the Fair Trade certification of their atching the Australian there is to gain or lose, and the Arabica, and has heated conversations cricket team celebrate less euphoria or dysphoria there about unsustainability and inherent waste theirW World Cup victory was is to feel. in the production of beef. surprisingly uncomfortable. It was not the regular discomfort I admit that I could be James also does coke. I experience when seeing the misguided in assuming that juvenile behaviour that usually people don’t feel this type of Which is awkward, because coke is pretty plagues a victorious Australian World Cup-winning euphoria shit for the environment. sports team: the taunting on a regular basis. If any do, I celebrations or the inability to am extremely jealous. But I can’t Growing coke leads to massive form coherent sentences (both help but think it’s a blessing in deforestation in rural Colombia. About of which were on unabashed disguise to pace your ambitions five hundred square kilometres are cleared display in consummate to last your whole life, rather each year for the growth and production gentleman Brad Haddin’s than to chase dreams contingent of narcotic substances. The Colombian interview). My discomfort was upon physical prowess, then Andes have suffered for the world’s little in response to the nature of the celebrations sense of achievement, as would the sense reach retirement with still-elusive goals, habits; experts say that around 73 per cent themselves: these were eleven people who of public spectacle and nationalist pride. or disillusionment because nothing of the local ecosystem has been negatively were experiencing veritable euphoria, and Moreover, success is the only thing they lives up to that former glory (see Shane affected by the growth, production and the realisation of decade-old dreams. Such have to show for years of physical and Warne, the Madonna of Australian sport, transportation of cocaine. elation seems foreign to many ordinary mental exertion. for indisputable evidence of post-career Australians in ordinary jobs—what ennui). That’s not to say that a sporting People, like James, are big enough and ugly actuary would polish off a particularly But can non-athletes achieve a similar level career is reckless or less worthy, but enough to make their own decisions— difficult financial equation and then go on of happiness? Moments like a wedding knowing there are longer-lasting forms it isn’t just cocaine that’s fucking up laps of the office in triumph? It begs the or promotion would generate above- of happiness than the euphoria of sport South America. The Maggi Group is question: are the elite athletes of the world average feelings of happiness, but they somewhat mitigates my discomfort in also partially responsible for the severe privy to a more intense form of happiness, arguably induce a more enduring sense knowing that I have not felt, and likely deforestation of the Amazon rainforest whilst we, the cardiovascularly untalented, of contentment rather than a visceral, in- will never feel, the same kind of happiness in Brazil, but I’m not going to give up live uninspiring, passionless lives? the-moment euphoria. So perhaps the as did the Australian cricket team on the noodles anytime soon. trade-off for not investing all your energy evening of 29th March, 2015. And it is On the surface, there are a few reasons into one fleeting, potentially fruitless definitely comforting to know that at least What strange blind spots we have in why elite sporting victories might bring pursuit is having less intense emotional Shane ‘Lowest Common Denominator’ our collective consciousness. It can make about a stronger sense of happiness than extremes—in other words (and at the risk Warne will never cheapen the best hypocrites of us all. general life. Their physical exhaustion at of sounding like the Nutri-Grain slogan), moment in my life by asking me if I’m the moment of victory would heighten the the less you engage in an activity, the less ‘thirsty’ on national television. 8 perspective (Everyone Loses) Monologues I’ve been Playing the Race Card! Subjected to by Uber Drivers

Astha Rajvanshi on why minority groups aren’t in a race. Anonymous I. II. indy Kaling’s now infamous broth- world’: a world where an applicant’s merit “—Yeah well, I basically just do this and “Ever heard the motto ‘We will wage war er Vijay Chokalingham created a trumps their race, skin colour and fami- AirBnB—you could say I’m really into through deception?’ It’s Mossad. ‘We will Mfurore across the Internet last week with ly background, and colour-blind policies the collaborative economy stuff. I’ve got wage war through deception’—and of his publicity campaign, ‘Almost Black’. prevail to give everyone a fair go. houses in London, Auckland, and Surry course they did, one faithful morning in Hills (as I mentioned). I was in IT for 2001 when they brought the World Trade In a twisted social experiment back in As nice as this idea may sound, it’s an years and they threw money at me like Centres down. See, the man who owned 1998, he, as the child of Indian-American ignorant and privileged one, created by I was target practice, and my father said them—y’know—every day he would go migrants, pretended to be a black appli- white conservatives and propped up by “buy property, it’ll never do you wrong”, so to the Windows on the World restaurant cant named Jojo in the hope of getting people of colour who have lived through I did and I guess he was right. So now I’m on the top floor—I’ve been there—for a accepted into medical school. He was suc- racial struggles, but eventually overcome living off that and doing this on the side… breakfast meeting, but then one day comes cessful in gaining admission into one, but them. Some immigrants, particularly those Japanese once turned one of my places along and he doesn’t go. And he’d taken only after being rejected by 13 others. Still, from Asian and South Asian backgrounds, into a tattoo parlor for a weekend—which out new insurance only six weeks before! Chokalingham is convinced that what this believe that if you can survive moving to left some ink on the carpet, which was And in interviews afterwards he said the shows is that Blacks garner special privi- a new country and ‘make it’, then the key frustrating—but they were Japanese so towers were on fire so he had to bring leges at the expense of Asian Americans. to achieving economic mobility is through they didn’t really drink or have parties—” them down. “Bring them down”—funny hard work rather than through policies phrase, right? Is that a phrase you use for Put simply, it’s a blatant attempt to exploit aimed at addressing institutionalised in- a building falling of its own accord? Right affirmative action admission policies at Ivy equalities. Their success is often pitted now, there are buildings on fire in Taiwan, Leagues in order to decry their validity. against Blacks, and they question why 24-hours a day they’re on fire, and they’re they have managed achieved so much and not falling. The fuel isn’t hot enough, it This exploitation isn’t too far removed their counterparts have not. can’t melt the beams—” from home—Jacqui Lambie claiming In- digenous heritage, despite the community It’s also a myth widely known as ‘model elder and acknowledged direct descendant minority’: a carrot-and-stick approach of- pre-existing skills and occupations. And products of academic machines, and their of the clan rejecting such claims—comes fered to certain groups, like Asians who yet, they do ‘well’, but only after having accomplishments shouldn’t be viewed to mind. At Australian universities, all are ‘good at Math’ or Indians who can ‘fix been on the receiving end of racist slurs within a narrow-minded approach that applicants are asked if they identify with your computers’, so that they fit a Western and shitty working conditions when they pits them against other minorities. ATSI backgrounds, and there are special mould of ‘Asian values’ and cease to ques- worked at 7/11, or as taxi drivers, to get to scholarships or admission schemes in tion why they serve a system that divides where they are now. Rather than the dissatisfaction with place for those who do. and distributes against people of colour, ‘Blacks stealing out spots’, Chokalingham rather than white people, in the first place. For the Asian and South Asian commu- would be better off challenging the model By Chokalingham’s rationale, this would nity, academic success is seen as a matter minority myth. And that would also put be a form of discrimination by favouring Skilled migrants are at an educational ad- of survival. Often the reason why families an end to his embarrassing racist farce indigenous students over other minorities. vantage—they are likely to have received choose to migrate in the first place is to that, as his sister herself articulated so well, At the heart of his argument lies the idea elite education in their countries of origin, provide their children with a good West- “brings shame” to other brown people. that we need to move into a ‘post-racial and are more likely to be favoured through ern education. But they are more than just Complementary ‘Medicine’: A Quick Reference Guide

Joel Hillman (Pharm IV, MPS) hates quackery and is a (relative) subject matter expert.

Homeopathy Alkaline Diet The worst CAM. Diluting something Confusingly, somehow slightly alkaline beyond its actual presence somehow water will get past powerful stomach acid makes it stronger. No actual evidence has into blood and prevent cancer/cure all ever been produced. Just no. diseases. Neither cancer nor blood works this way. Blood is very good at maintaining Yoga its own pH, you can’t modify it (or you’d interaction with real medicines, which More or less harmless, is actually good for die). Not harmful, but absurd. can cause permanent and serious injury. flexibility and for core and joint strength, Naturopaths use made up methods and but is unlikely to enlighten you or give you Acupuncture witchcraft to decide what things to sell nterestingly, the use of complementary mind powers (sorry). I’ll allow it. Popular and unscientific. Acupuncture you for their made up ‘diagnosis’. and alternative ‘medicine’ (CAM, or ignores germ theory, because all disease I‘witchcraft’) is correlated with tertiary Chiropractic and Osteopathy is merely blocked energy flow. No germs Crystal Healing education and higher socioeconomic Despite its popularity, quite dangerous and means those needles don’t need to be lol. status. completely unscientific. These treatments sterile: they have likely been in someone attribute all illnesses to a ‘misalignment’ of else. Qi is not real. A good rule of thumb is that if it’s not CAM can be dangerous, not only because the spine, and were made up after some something that a real clinician would give it doesn’t work and risks interfering with guy hit a deaf janitor. Cochrane reviews Naturopathy, Herbalism and Traditional you in a real hospital, stay away. If you actual medications, but also because of show them to be ineffective, and to pose Chinese Medicine are on any kind of alt med, it is extremely the mindset its peddlers perpetuate by high risk of permanent injury to spine Herbs are outdated and imprecise. We important to mention it to any doctor, encouraging distrust of real medicine. and large blood vessels, and even a risk of have long since outgrown them and any pharmacist, dentist or other clinician who Here is a quick guide to some common death. Mac Uni is phasing out its degree. further reliance on outdated modalities treats you, because it can be not just dumb, ones to help you avoid being scammed: Don’t. is foolish. They pose a huge risk of but life-threatening as well. 9 Stanmore McDonalds is Dangerous

Peter Walsh’s investigations all involve burgers and fries.

tanmore McDonalds is dangerous, I walkway of cups passing under nozzles, unsatisfied man I’ve ever seen places can tell you this because I’ve been told. but the cups get caught circling the bend trays of thickshakes, burgers, and fries SThey say it’s among the most dangerous to the drive-thru window. Someone was into a rolling black luggage set, which he venues in Sydney: the number one place hired just to unclog the machine—and deposits into the boot of his car. Inside, to get glassed—which is something does so by inserting her fingers deep into the steam from the fries curdle the when everything’s served in plastic and the machine’s clinking jaw. thickshakes while the condensation from any actual weapons have to be B.Y.O. I the shakes wilt the fries. No word on how arrived just after 9pm. In the car park, there’s an impromptu the tight, airless environment affects the church meeting. People kneel on the burgers, but expert prognosis suggests Not Inside, they’re installing kiosks near the gravel and pray, their drinks’ straws Well. Somewhere, someone else assures a McCafé, upright digital coffins you can bowing penitently. A Range Rover pulls friend that It’ll Taste Not Just Fine But punch your order in to and make the food in and parks in an accessible spot. A Doubly-Fine For The Convenience. to hear the rumors confirmed. He tells appear. The fresh face on the counter eyes carton of lads ask the driver what the fuck me he’s zipped—no leaks to no one— the machine with the kind of jealousy will happen if someone in a wheelchair I ask the guy cleaning tables what it’s like and that if I have any further questions, I middle children reserve for firstborns. needs McDonalds and what the fuck he’s working here and he tells me it’s routine should direct them to McDonalds Media They installed an automated assembly line fucking doing and eventually he turns for people to come around asking and that on nine-eight-seven-five, six-six-six-six, for drinks some months ago, a moving back and drives off—foodless. The most they aren’t really interested or only want which he recites from memory.

Hot Wax Nightmare

Sam Langford knows pain: it comes in a jar.

he beautician is affirming until she violently removed. It is a bit like Samson The chic French provincial décor and She tells me I should trim it first, next time. sees my underarm hair. Then she and Delilah. The longer the hair, the instrumental meditation music clashes I doubt there will be a next time. I ask her saysT “oh god”, and “sorry”, and has to do more power, where power in this case is nicely with the physical and ideological if she has any tips for safely manipulating some deep breathing to the tune of Top leftist political capital. I am not sure why violence being done to my body with hot scissors in the armpit area left-handed, Meditation Hits. “It’s just very long,” she I occasionally pay money to get rid of wax. I do some deep breathing and try to but she has no knowledge of this. When I says when she has recovered. “Thank you,” that hair/power. This is something I have visualise peaceful things like throwing a get home I google “armpit wounds” to see I say, because usually when people see my considered raising in my political economy chair through a window. if anyone else has had this problem, and pit hair they are nice Inner West lesbians tute when no one talks and the tutor asks learn that yes, they have; and no, it’s not who compliment it. us how the economy has affected our lives Ninety minutes in she tells me that I the kind of cut that heals on its own. The lately. The rich kids say “it hasn’t”. have good pain tolerance, in between her bleeding pit looks like a bearded mouth There are apparently not many hairy twelfth and thirteenth tugs on a piece of vomiting blood. I do not learn anything feminists on the North Shore, or more Because I am somewhat Lebanese, it takes wax that has become stuck in my pit hair. about safe scissor manipulation. I consider likely they do not go to beauticians nearly two hours to wax my legs. I use this She blames my hair for this, even though giving it up for good. to have their politically charged hair time to cultivate cognitive dissonance. she trimmed it beforehand.

Trouble Sleeping? Try Not Sleeping

Sam Langford’s worst nightmare is being forced to stay awake.

octors apparently avoid prescribing only between midnight and five a.m., for road. By a week in, I’d taken up five a.m. sleeping pills to minors where two months. On the website, it cheerfully knitting. Two days later, I had to set aside Dpossible, on account of a risk of dependence offers the “good news”: “you’ve probably the knitting needles lest I accidentally or something. I learned this when I was suffered worse.” impale myself passing out on them. seventeen and sleeping about three hours Avoiding caffeine was part of the bargain, a night, and had hauled my under-eye bags Sleep restriction cleansed me of pretty and naps were expressly disallowed. I did and permanently hungover self to my local much everything except, y’know, the a lot of aimless wandering. The school GP. She told me to try “sleep restriction”, debilitating need for sleep. Like an counsellor made me complete a worksheet and that I should “think of it as a cleanse.” enema for your psyche, it prompted a on depression, which featured Comic rapid expulsion of my entire personality, Sans, a crossword, and hot tips like “get “Cleanse” is an apt word for it, seeing including all positive emotion and plenty of sleep”. as sleep restriction is to sleep as all-kale coherent thought. smoothies are to a balanced diet. Sleep At the beginning of the third week I gave restriction, which according to its website I was optimistic for the first two days. up, and went to bed at nine p.m. I slept “may” be a new, effective method for On the third, I was so tired that I nearly the whole night through, and missed my combatting insomnia, means sleeping walked into traffic trying to cross the alarm the next morning. 10 Faculties in Verse Sometimes Alix Sanders-Garner There’s No Time For Writing

Art History: Still Life History: The Historian Elle Triantafillou promises it isn’t personal when they don’t reply.

Some fit more death Today is putty happening, tomorrow ometimes there’s no time for writing. remember again. Sometimes I go to text Into peaches on a plate Possible enlargement of the sorrow. Like there’s time for writing notes and somebody about something and then I see Than in ten crucifixions Neither are mine, so I embarrass instead Slists and emails and texts, but there’s no all their light grey texts sitting in a pile. of God incarnate. Yesterday by counting its dead. time for Writing. Sometimes there’s not When that happens I often don’t text even time for writing notes and emails them the thing I wanted to, but then I and texts and stuff like that. When that often don’t reply to their messages either. happens I don’t open new text messages so I feel guilty about all of this. I feel guilty Faculties in HB Pencil the green dot thing stays next to the text about a lot of things. I don’t know whether and I know which ones I haven’t replied this is a piece of Writing or just me Michael Lotsaris to. I also put my emails into an Action writing about whom I need to write to. I folder in Gmail to “deal with later”. On think the list right now is something like: Facebook, I don’t open the messages so Hannah, Dean, Bill, Bimo, Marty, Jeff, that the light blue colour tells me which Diana, Nona, Yaya and Pop (but they are ones I haven’t looked at yet. Sometimes always on the list even if I’ve just written to I open them and don’t reply and because them), Aitak, Kelly, Mohini (?). I also need they’re no longer light blue I forget that to write a document for the Department I haven’t replied and then I email people of Immigration for Max and Alexe. In it 7-9 days later in a panic. I need to give details of their relationship, whether I think they are committed, in Sometimes, this happens with texts as love, if I invite them to events individually well. or as a couple, what they think about multiculturalism etc. Alexe FB messaged It’s harder with an iPhone than with an me about this and I replied but then I old Nokia because you can see all the forgot to do the thing she asked. It’s been unanswered texts stacked on top of each more than 7-9 days since this happened. other in that light grey colour. When you forgot on the Nokia, you didn’t have to

Young Labor Drinks Alex Gillis Sutherland, Saturday Night

Alex Gillis

ast drinks, get it up ya,” cries a At the bar, one of the organisers claims our groups of cops stand looking panel in her skirt, heels resting tidily on self-professed nomad. “Everyone there are no factions in Young Labor. bored on the platform. As my carriage the seat beside her. Ding-a-ling comes “Lsay Labor”—“Laaaay-bor” comes the Later, in the hallway, the head of the left Fcomes past, each one points in sequence the friends, trying to work out where she response as they take a happy snap in the warns us “this night was organised by the to the kids downstairs who appear to is—she’s late from work, tired but has to Hermann’s courtyard. “We’re moving on right and they will try and tell you the be Revelling and/or Frolicking. They’re Be Seen. Stands holding a clutch in front to the Landsdowne,” where mock rage left doesn’t exist”. He reckons the bloke pulled off the train for drinking and as of her, head and shoulders above the girls pervades a pool comp. “Sorry friend, could proudly running for Pittwater will get we sit stuck on the train gum chewing around her. I ask you to move aside for this shot?” “Ah tossed under the bus. Back inside, a drunk POLICE roll up, stragglers chatting to depends on the faction, left or right?” “Is engineer asks Pittwater about the girl in the extremities of the group while their Transit officers write up a homeless bloke left right?” Centre right nails the shot. You the white dress: “Oh god, if one more comrades write up the other half and we’re for evading a $1.90 ticket. The sign on the can get a free beer if you add an organiser dude asks me about her I swear”. “Up the all watching from the windows. wall behind says Fairer For All. on Facebook, one pool player says in an rabbits” comes a cry from his neighbour in aside. a pink shirt. She’s sitting there with flats on and a clear 11 arts & culture

Handle with Care Dropping CAPS

Patrick Morrow has some regrets. Max Schintler read a University produced self-help guide.

hree years ago, with dumb, sloppy, he University of Sydney’s Coun- sonal; the step-by-step guide to problem and unhelpful flourish, I described selling and Psychological Services solving in relationships we learn about theT 2012 Med Revue as “worse than (CAPS)T is just one of a number of services “parties” as opposed to people, as though cancer”. The medicine degree is a long one, that the University provides free of charge we and our romantic partner(s) were en- so there’s a chance that the cast and crew to its students. Although CAPS is a ma- gaged in a contract law dispute. The result are still around (and a remoter chance that jor pillar of student services, most students of this corporate law tone is an ironic fail- they’re still reading Honi) and if they are: are probably unaware of the litany of PDF ure of communication, potentially alienat- I am an idiot. reactionary work reflects the interests handbooks available in the ‘self help’ area ing the reader. The advice itself—commu- of boards and markets only. Expensive, of the CAPS site. nicate well, prepare to compromise, work The obligation to write carefully is a shared boring restoration comedies at The Wharf, out how you feel, empathise, maintain duty. While the show was undoubtedly maybe. I decided to investigate the utility of your sense of self—is not the problem. The racist and sexist and lazily written, these handbooks by reviewing one of problem is the rigid presentation. aggressively identifying that much is no Without investing too much into the them, titled Learn to Build and Maintain feat. less and less true notion of universities Healthy Relationships. The first impression The penultimate section of this handbook as marketplaces of ideas, so much of I took from this handbook is that it treats dispenses advice on “how to meet new Righteousness is not inherently the conversation about good work is the subject matter in general terms. In people.” In between instructing the reader constructive. While idiot me brandished happening here, and happening now. all fairness, the subject of relationships to approach someone who is reading and the judgey pen with aplomb, I didn’t do Discussions of practice today will shape is a broad and complicated one, and talk to them, “what’s the worst that could a single bit of good. Because when you the arts landscape in decades to come. to this end the handbook provides us happen?!!” (no emphasis added), and giv- open a review with “worse than cancer”, with a number of hyperlinks to self- ing tips on practising how to look natural the only invested party likely to read on is To crush and stomp and shout might administered quizzes and exercises and relaxed, this section does hit on a sig- the author, masturbating their own sense be satisfying at the time but it looks, if such as the “Learn to Communicate nificant issue that is increasingly weighing of self-importance (and I did!). not worse than cancer (almost definitely Effectively Pages.” The majority of these on our lives: loneliness. not worse than cancer), certainly very hyperlinks are, disappointingly, broken What you write can constitute the total bad. Every engagement with work is an like the relationships they purport to While well intentioned, this handbook historical record of a young work. That is opportunity to make things better, and if fix, and the presence of such digital neglects to mention domestic violence, an enormous responsibility. criticism has any obligation, surely it is to cobwebs begs the question of how useful a though it should be noted that the CAPS make some good of that exchange. student—genuinely seeking to gain some website has a separate crisis section that I don’t know if there has ever been a show relationship maintenance skills—may find provides a hotline number, nor does it that is actually worse than cancer, but If you are interested in contributing to this resource. discuss how to proactively seek consent if it be, it will lie in the output of lazy, Honi as a culture writer, please get in or negotiate the boundaries of consent in well-monied institutions whose glacially touch. The language used is at times quite imper- sexual relationships.

12 arts & culture

Game of Thrones and the Law International Jessup Moot champion Sam Murray examines Game of Thrones through a litigious lens.

he secession of the North from customs to the South in their worship Moreover, before the North could lawfully North’s capital, Winterfell, was burned to the Seven Kingdoms under the of the Old Gods, and different ethnic secede, all measures short of secession to the ground by the foreign occupiers, the purportedT government of ‘King’ Robb characteristics, being descended from the address the violated self-determination Ironborn, this probably precludes Stark’s Stark I was almost certainly illegal under First Men rather than the Andal. need to have been attempted. Whilst government (which is being run from his public international law. peaceful negotiation with the Lannister campaign tent in the Riverlands) from However, their claims of violated self- puppet government was likely impossible, having effective control over his territory International law has consistently determination are insubstantial. Given the Stark had yet to enter negotiations with and thus from having achieved statehood disfavoured impairing the territorial inherently feudal nature of the Westerosi the lawful Westerosi government of King from a successful secession. integrity of states (or ‘Kingdoms’).1 state, the North has a great deal of Stannis Baratheon I, when he unilaterally Secession (and the consequent violation of autonomy over its own cultural, religious declared independence. the sovereignty and territorial integrity of and governmental affairs, and is led by its the Seven Kingdoms) can only be justified own Northern leaders, chosen according Finally, even if the North under Stark had where a ‘people’ have had their right of to Northern custom. Whilst the political a valid right to secede, it is questionable ‘internal self-determination’ so grievously assassination of former Northern leader whether he even created an effective state violated that the only remedy is external Eddard Stark was possibly unjust, it is under international customary law.4 A self-determination (i.e. creating their own hardly equivalent to the ethnic cleansing, state requires an ‘effective’ government, i.e., state). 2 human rights abuses and massive political a government capable of exerting control upheaval that has characterized successful through the maintenance of law and order The citizens of the North may constitute secessions.3 over the state’s territory at the exclusion a ‘people’. They possess different religious of foreign military forces.5 Given that the

1. This was noted in the Separate Opinion of Judge Yusuf in the 2010 Accordance with International Law of the Unilateral Declaration of Independence in Respect of Kosovo (Advisory Opinion) of the International Court of Justice. 2. As stated at [6] of the 1995 decision of the African Commission on Human and Peoples’ Rights, Katangese Peoples’ Congress v Zaire. 3. In its 1998 judgment Reference re Secession of Quebec. 4. According to the Montevideo Convention on the Rights and Duties of States (1933) which forms part of international customary law. 5. As noted in The Aaland Islands Question, a 2010 report of the International Committee of Jurists.

THE HUNTING SLOW WEST THE DUKE GROUND OF BURGUNDY

3-14 june

Take a sneak peek at the first 25 films from this year’s program Academy Award-nominated director World Cinema Grand Jury Prize winner This chronicle of a lesbian S&M at sff.org.au Kirby Dick (The Invisible War) and at Sundance, this darkly funny and relationship, that becomes increasingly producer Amy Ziering tackle the tough unconventional western is both thrilling more intense through ritual games of FLeXIPASSeS issue of sexual assault on American and romantic. With brilliant performances dominance and submission, is a stylish On SALe nOW college campuses in this confronting by Kodi Smit-McPhee, Michael homage to European erotica: kinky, funny, Buy today to save on ticket prices documentary. Fassbender and Ben Mendelsohn. sensual and romantic. FuLL PROGRAM ReLeASeD 6 MAY DEATHGASM THE LOOK NECKTIE YOUTH OF SILENCE

We’ B R Ack!e

This fabulously funny and gory Kiwi Joshua Oppenheimer’s unmissable In this visually stunning tale of disaffected horror flick was the talk of this year’s companion piece to his Oscar-nominated youth, Jabz and September take a drug- SXSW Film Festival. When metal- The Act of Killing (SFF 2013) focuses fuelled trip through the affluent suburbs thrashing teen misfits Brodie and Zakk on the victims of the 1960s Indonesian of contemporary Johannesburg, one year accidentally summon a hideous entity communist purge, their families and after the live-streamed suicide of their from hell, carnage and hilarity ensue. communities. friend Emily.

SFF.ORG.AU Down with Buttons Foreign Concessions

Alexandros Tsathas beleives in the press stud. Samantha Jonscher doesn’t want nice things.

he button is by and large the We’ve all been there. An acquaintance. fastener of choice for the clothiers Some press-studs. A few drinks. “Gullivan, ofT now. From the runways of Paris to the I love your shirt!”—unfasten, refasten. freeway underpasses of La Paz, buttons Conversation away. Fun. reign supreme. I’m here to tell you: the supremacy of the button is undeserved. After a lengthy conversation built on fter five months of living in choice—Ningbo has a few KFCs and a We must commit regicide, and replace the sturdy press-stud foundations, you reach provincial China, my friend and I Pizza Hut. button with the press-stud. the end of your big night. It’s hard enough wentA to Shanghai for a weekend. It was stumbling through the front door, let my friend’s birthday and we set out to In the barrio we heard Spanish and Press-studs are the small, metal fasteners alone dealing with the whole buttons- celebrate just the way we would if we were French. In the diner we heard, clear, loud engaged by pressing their two, reciprocally- and-eyelets-shebang. Press-studs present cashed up and home: ‘nice food’, ‘nice American. In the café, Australian. My shaped halves together. They make getting an infinitely more practical alternative: bars’.1 British friend chose the English pub. dressed fun. They make getting undressed just tear that shit off! Anyone claiming even more fun. they don’t revel in that brief realisation of Shanghai is not short on these things- We made friends, after several rounds of their repressed stripper dreams is a liar. though provincial China is. Shanghai is Scottish craft beers. James and Heath. Firstly, it’s the motion of the ocean: full of many things—street food vendors, They worked for the British Trade “pushing-together” rather than “feeding- Then there’s longevity. Buttons pop off. operatic karaoke in city parks, dance Commission. While Heath was in the through”. Humans are kinaesthetic Those fat-cat outfitters will attach an extra classes in public squares, noodle bars, tea loo, we told James that we were studying creatures. We prefer clasping, clutching button (two if you’re lucky), giving you a houses- but it is known in China for its Mandarin and Chinese history. “Why? and squeezing over careful lumen-guiding. false sense of security upon purchasing ‘nice’ things. Why would you want to live here? I can’t That’s just us. Press-studs satisfy our tactile their garment. “I’ll just sew on the spare wait to go home, this is a dismal place— instincts in a way that buttons never will. button if one pops off, right?”. Get real. We found ourselves on Yongkang Lu, in the weather, the people, the city.” When You don’t even know how to sew. the French Concession.2 Heath got back he agreed and extended Then there’s the “click”. But it’s so much his hands to sweep the room—“everyone more than that—it’s affirmation, it’s The inherent design of press-studs makes Most of the city’s ‘nice’ bars and here is here to make money. I speak no reassurance. With the “click”, we can them immune to loss. They are integrated restaurants are tucked underground, Mandarin and never plan on it. When I be sure that we have fastened right and into the fabric, forming an inseparable inside of surprising buildings, between leave I’ll go home with enough money to fastened true. Kind of like an audible dead tandem with the article of clothing in obscure shop fronts, but here the bars and buy a house. I avoid Chinese Shanghai as man’s switch. Potentially embarrassing question. They sit flush with the cloth’s restaurants pour onto the narrow road much as possible”. situations can be navigated safely. Buttons surface and remain unexposed to the and they have out door seating. There’s are silent. Killers. Of self-esteem. sheer forces that would otherwise cause a Melbourne style café, an Irish pub, a I looked down into my cider. The head was buttons to pop off. Purely from a materials British pub, a Cuban barrio, a French gone and a thin oil slick of mouth residue How many times have you spied a viewpoint, metals (of which press-studs are pastry shop, a Japanese sushi bar and an was floating on its surface. friend’s buttoned shirt and spontaneously made) have higher mechanical strength, American Diner.3 We felt spoiled for started unbuttoning it? Never. Because melting points, and better heat and UV unbuttoning another’s shirt is socially resistance than cotton thread (from which 1 After getting back to Sydney the first ‘nice’ bar that I went to was Uncle Ming’s. unacceptable and downright creepy. the button-cloth link is constructed). 2 China’s last dynasty fell when Britain arrived and said that the Chinese had to buy their Press-studs shift the social goal-posts. opium so that British trade ships could arrive full and leave full. The British manufactured Spontaneous press-stud unfastening It is clear that press-studs are the better a need to sell to, so created opium addiction. The British set up a settlement. Then the (caveat: first or last press-stud only, choice. Australian Fashion Week 2015 is French negotiated a settlement because they helped the British fight the Chinese. The followed by immediate refastening) is not next month—the perfect opportunity, one French concession was apparently Mao’s favourite place to hang out—art deco, tennis only acceptable, but is a social lubricant. would hope, for some “favourable press”. courts, grand theatres, cobblestone streets, and intimate tree lined streets. 3 Today the French Concession is home to all of Shanghai’s foreign embassies. They are unmarked and hidden behind high, secure, walls.

14 A Mazel Tov! Broken Record Hitching With Tanya It’s a Match Summer Lea had an unconventional ride home. Swetha Das chose Victoria Zerbst tried the wrong time to fall asleep. J-swipe, the Jewish Tinder.

o force me out of my room during the he other day my mother suggested Easter holidays, my father organised I bring a date to Passover dinner aT family outing to a concert at the Sydney becauseT all our family friends were Opera House, rudely interrupting my bringing plus ones. It was the most Jewish plans to fester in my pyjamas. We were to conversation I’ve ever had. That’s when attend a meditational concert, designed to I realised JSwipe might be for me. It’s alleviate stress and calm the mind. basically Jewish Tinder—when you swipe right a smiling Star of David appears and As the songs played, my full stomach when you get a match cartoon dancing and warm coat coaxed my eyes to slowly rabbis dance around the word ‘Mazel Tov!’ close. Before the third song commenced, the main musician warned it would Once you allow JSwipe to use your last for 30 minutes and that it was vital Facebook information you get to tell that we remained alert to attain the best them how Jewish you are. Kosher or Not effects of this meditational experience. few years ago I was walking home I thought shit, I’m gonna get kidnapped, Kosher? Fair enough, I told them I wasn’t. He encouraged the audience to clasp to Camperdown from Redfern late they’re definitely acting, to reel me in. Then your denomination. I decided I was certain fingers with each song, so that the atA night. As I headed towards Redfern ‘Just Jewish’ because for me Judaism is music would have its intended result. I Station, a woman emerged from a black I told them I was a University student, more of a humanist thing and I was raised stared out into a crowd of two thousand four-wheel drive. She was white and unsure of what to do in my life. The man pretty atheist to be honest. Other options people clutching their thumbs and blonde and smartly dressed. said he worked for DOCS. I was intrigued included orthodox, conservative, reform, enthusiastically listening to the music, as I’d spent some time in foster care when willing to convert and ‘other’. When I set suspicious that the concert might have “Would you like a lift home?” she asked. I was younger—I didn’t ask any more my filter to only let me see guys who were been endorsed by Dr Oz. questions. ‘willing to convert’ I got nothing. I didn’t. I was safe on my own, and her I slumped in my chair and prepared approach frightened me. The woman said that she worked in I also realised there are not that many for sleep. My blissful slumber was politics and I asked if it paid well. She said Jews. I hardly had anyone ‘near me’ until intermittently disrupted by my mother, “I don’t accept lifts from strangers.” it “paid the bills”. I made my distance 300+ miles. And the who felt it necessary to remind me that people that were near me turned out to “this is a unique experience”, and “you “It’s not safe walking home at night,” she A month ago, walking past Broadway I be family friends, old school friends or don’t even know what you’re missing out said, “especially as a young woman. I just saw a shop-front sign: “Tanya Plibersek, other people I happen to know from the on”. want to make sure you’re safe.” Member for Sydney”. The Member for community. When I finally got a few Sydney looked familiar. I Googled “Tanya matches (it’s a lot harder than Tinder) I Cameras dotted the venue, as the entire I walked away, wondering what kind of Plibersek family”, and recognised them realised these Jews might be into more concert was being broadcast online to an person would genuinely, generously want to instantly. I’d hitched a lift with Tanya than a one-night stand. My first match international audience. But the heightened give me a lift. Plibersek. started the conversation ‘hello future wife’ chance of being caught asleep on camera and the second asked if I knew how many did not deter me nor disturb my two hour It wasn’t over yet. I emailed her shortly afterwards to thank children I wanted. nap. her. She responded: “If my young daughter was walking alone Whatever you do, don’t talk about Israel. I I woke to fireworks and confetti being at night, I’d like to know she was safe. I’d Dear Summer Lea, guess it isn’t surprising how many Zionists blasted into the air. The show had like to know someone was giving her a lift use JSwipe. It is surprising how many will concluded and the musicians were met and I want the same for you. Look, I’m We picked you up because I didn’t like to unmatch you when you casually disagree with a standing ovation. The MC then not going to kidnap you, I’ve got my own think of a young woman walking alone with them. invited “a very special guest” onto the kids!” late at night. I would have worried about stage… he was “from the Guinness Book you otherwise. Many years ago a friend of You also only have 14 days to message of World Records”. She gestured to her young daughter. The mine was assaulted walking home not so before your match runs out. I researched girl got out of the car. far from where you were that night, and I to see if 14 days was important in the “You may have noticed some people wish someone had helped her get home safely. Old Testament but I found nothing. The jostling around the sides during the third “Come on, you’ll be safe with us, you can Essentially, I believe the world works better pressure is on you from the moment the song. Well, they were counting those of trust my mum.” if we each feel a responsibility to others. star of David smiles at you. you who were participating this evening, and discounted the people who were on I looked into the car and her brother was You’re right about Michael and I—we do The most important thing I took away their phones or sleeping. For our true playing with a video game. enjoy each other’s company. from JSwipe wasn’t a lovely Jewish doctor, participants, congratulations! You are part unfortunately. Instead I learnt that when of the largest music therapy session in the The children made me feel safe, so I got in. I hope things are going well for you. religious denomination becomes an world.” important factor in your dating decision- I got in and chatted to the couple, they All the best, making process, you are either looking for a “You don’t even know what you’re missing seemed happy. relationship or you are a bigot. Traditional out on!” Tanya Jewish matchmaking (Shidduch) has made it the 21st Century. Mazel Tov, Being part of a world record, apparently. single Jews! It’s a lot more high tech than singing songs from Fiddler on the Roof.

15 16 How Not To Squeeze A Pimple

Bianca Farmakis is a bad sister.

n April 1st, 2015, my brother what any other person would: he popped mellowed by morphine. He found pins in a first aid kit were sterilised”. The Thomas Farmakis became the first the pimple. Only instead of squeezing it, hospital the hardest at meal-time, when first aid kit in question had been purchased Omember of our family to consult a plastic he lanced the pimple with a rusted safety the Evangelical, vegetarian meals could during the Hawke Prime Ministership. surgeon. The typical North Shore plastic pin, releasing its sickly yellow not satisfy a carnivorous, pissed The team of doctors at the San eventually surgery patient is most likely a middle aged pus and viscous fluid. off, patient. My Greek determined that the ‘pin’ had given Tom Mosman mother hoping to reinvigorate mother, bound by an a particularly severe case of Cellulitis. He her appearance (and marriage). My Within the hour, intrinsic, ethnic need was told that he would require surgery brother Thomas is a ruthless, diligent fifth Thomas noticed to feed her first and facial reconstruction if the swelling year Commerce/Law student and aspiring something was born son, concealed did not reduce in the next couple of days. banker known neither for his vanity, nor wrong. His high end take out, His reaction was delivered with the same for his ignorance. forehead had providing Thomas monotonous tone and dead pan stare: “can swollen up to with contraband I get a face lift while we’re at it?”. Thomas was felled by a pimple. such an extent that ‘Ribs and Rumps’, he could no longer that he consumed Ultimately, Thomas spent four days and Much like Mount Kilimanjaro protrudes read his “Conflict of between (and during) three nights in hospital. Fortunately, directly from the centre of the equator, Laws in Australia”, 4th ed. consultations with his the antibiotics took effect, the swelling Thomas’ pimple emerged from the Horrified by his ‘Elephant Man’ plastic surgeon. reduced, and Thomas didn’t need surgery. centre of his forehead, reaching similar appearance, he made his way to the San He was released to return to a lifestyle of heights. Vexed by the failure of his thick, Hospital, where he was admitted on sight. Questioned about the origins of his statute memorising and macchiato sipping $15 Vietnamese barbershop hair cut to infection, a bemused stare and sauce at Taste Café. conceal the enormous lump, Thomas did Thomas was hooked up to an IV and stained mouth stated, “I assumed all safety What To Do If You Mythology of Shit Hook-Up With A Young Liberal Dominic Byrne swam through a river of shit to write this.

Jessica Arman lived, if you can call this living. ast week over the Easter weekend I was able to gauge the narrative element I went to Hobart to see River of River of Fundament. Days later I found . Have at least six standard drinks to saliva in your mouth is now a political Lof Fundament, a six hour film and myself reading the catalogue, mouthing wash the taste of capitalism down. battleground. accompanying exhibition by Matthew to myself “what the fuuuuuuuuckkKK”, 1Realise that the consumption of alcohol Barney, showing at MONA. Loosely realising that a really DENSE mythology has historically classist and monarchical 4. Join Socialist Alternative. You want the adapted from Norman Mailer’s novel lay submerged underneath images of a connotations. Commit to a life of physical leftist saliva to win. Ancient Evenings—a seven hundred page woman being double penetrated by a glass and intellectual sobriety. novel set in Ancient Egypt—Barney’s eye and a hardened piece of poo. 5. Go buy falafel or a kebab reluctance to read more than a hundred 2. Become a latte- from the dregs of Newtown. of these pages meant he was more or less I’ll avoid detailing any more of the sexual sipping, Nietzsche-loving, Realise you’re being classist given free reign on what fills those six exploits that occur in River of Fundament Francophiliac hipster. Visit when you regard the “rustic hours. for shock-value as I know this material art galleries and bemoan the charm” and “exotic, Middle is covered each week in Honi Soit by an problematic lens of the male Eastern appeal” of the man What he retains from Mailer is a constant interchangeable set of ‘People Whose gaze. Volunteer to be the shaving the beef for your over-lapping of death, rebirth, orgies, Sexual Awakening Led To A Problematic subject of alternative, post- kebab. Wonder whether the scatology and the mythologies that Foursome With Fitzy and Wippa And modern female nudes to right-wing saliva has won underpin these events. Yet instead of A Stolen Opal Concession Card’. River reassert your control of your and infected your brain. antiquity, River of Fundament takes place of Fundament essentially stands as a body within a patriarchal within a present-day U.S.A. The film’s continuation of Barney’s horrifying yet society. 6. It’s too late, you’ve been main setting—an intricately reconstructed elegant visualisation of the biology that won. Settle down with him, set of Mailer’s apartment sailing down allows our bodies to create, love, destroy, 3. Find a member of the move to Mosman, have three the Hudson River—is divided by large- shit and eventually die. Socialist Alternative. Hook up with him children and top off your nights with a scale performances in Los Angeles and to re-establish equilibrium. Realise the vintage Merlot and some Xanax. Detroit before returning to New York The film will show at Sydney Film Festival. City. This is probably the extent to which

17 Extra Dry (No, Really) Mid-tier Author Fakes Death to Achieve Spike in Amazon Sales Isabella Trimboli on powdered alcohol. Locomotive correspondent Max Hall reports. ejoice! The second coming of Christ note that it’s not really possible to snort is nigh! Its name is Palcohol and it’s the substance, with the product’s site say- uthor and Sydney University of three broke humanities graduates who Rturning water into wine—well alcoholic ing that not only will it burn your nostrils, alumnus Samuel Watts has been find themselves working as conveyancers spirits, specifically. but that “it takes approximately 60 min- accusedA of faking his own death to collect in suburban Brisbane. According to a for- utes to snort the equivalent of one shot of on the posthumous spike in royalties he web-only review by the Sydney Morning Palcohol is powdered alcohol that when vodka”. hoped would be generated by news of his Herald, Title Deed was, like Watts’ first mixed with water turns into a booze- passing. Watts disappeared from his home novel, an attempt at one of those modern billed beverage. What beautiful times we The backlash has been so severe that sev- last week and was presumed dead when novels structured around various literary are living in. For this innovative marvel eral U.S states have taken regulatory ac- police found his car parked near a cliff in themes and quotations that aim to finally you have Mark Phillips to thank—an out- tion against the product, including Alaska, far north Queensland. A note, allegedly put to good use things the author learnt doorsy bro who likes to get slooshed on who have banned the selling of powdered quoting Shakespeare and Jack Kerouac, while studying English at university. hiking trips apparently. Tired of lugging alcohol outright. And as the product looks had been left. bottles of booze in his backpack, he con- to expand its market, Australia is also re- Watts was eager to talk when contacted jured up Palcohol—a lightweight solution acting, with the Victorian government Investigators became suspicious when by Honi Soit. Laughing off concerns about that would satisfy his burning thirst. And saying it move to ban the selling of pow- they noticed that details of Watts’ suicide potential prosecution for misleading police now Phillips’ dream is set to become a dered alcohol as well. closely matched those of Ken Kesey’s faked he said he was happy to be back with business reality, with the U.S federal Al- death in 1965—particularly the elaborate his family and claimed to be “enthused, cohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau Still, it’s interesting to think what this prose of Watt’s note which a senior ebullient, even ecstatic” by a rise in sales allowing the sale of the product through- could mean for the future of the alcohol police officer described, on the condition of Title Deed. “I’m not sure why no one out the country. industry. Will it lead to growing alcohol of anonymity, as “deeply purple”. Kesey, thought to do this before—look how well abuse? Will cask wine be a thing of the the author of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Pratchett and Marquez have been doing Yet even before it’s hit the shelves, it’s been past? Will Camperdown Park be littered Nest, was attempting to evade marijuana recently. Death was the breakthrough my met with opposition over its supposed with broke uni students shoveling white charges at the time of his disappearance. career needed,” he said. “I’m not sorry.” possibility to be misused. Some party-ru- powdered down their throats? ining parents think their children are go- The incident seems to have been motivated Amazon, Book Depository, and Dymocks ing to be snorting lines of powdered al- Alas, for the moment, seasoning our meals by poor sales of Watts’ second novel, Title have withheld royalties totalling $34.10 cohol on the school playground, but those with powdered rum can only be realised Deed, which follows the lives pending results of the police investigation. wanting to reenact Scarface will be sad to in a dream.

The Leadership Code

Perrin Walker is fed up with USyd’s new advertising campaign.

recently found myself alone, for a mo- may well ask—what is the point of leader- or the ability to identify and synthesise ment, with my four-year-old cous- *** ship if everyone is a leader? The true aim, expertise, guided by a strong sense of jus- Iin—our first quality time together since the unstated aim, was not to distinguish tice. Poor leadership stems from privilege he learned how to be a person. For some “Abraham Lincoln didn’t know how to the students from one-another, but from and charisma without substance. At best, reason desperate to ingratiate myself (for- lead until he went on Globe”, the poster the rest of the town. “a culture of leadership” is insipid corpo- getting that toddlers do not experience dubiously asserts in its professional gloss rate-speak; at worst, it’s thinly-veiled big- awkwardness), I cast my eyes around for amidst the torn socialist/Catholic paper According to USYD's new advertising otry. inspiration. There, on the wall! rubble. The image shows two young white campaign, leadership is not about an indi- men; it's not entirely clear who is being vidual leader—it's about a culture, a set of There are two magnetic poles to leader- “Wow... nice certificate… ‘Displaying led—will they lead each other? Let's read values. USYD students, the advertisement ship, inseparable: leaders and the led. Do Leadership Qualities’... fantastic!”, I on. promises hovering parents, are leaders by we as a student body collectively deserve crowed. virtue of their enrolment. This campaign to lead the led? What should we do with Apparently, entrepreneurs will save the treads a careful line: how to evoke prestige, this leadership culture apart from, well, "Thanks" he replied coolly, not lifting his world. Apparently Indian entrepreneurs privilege and the idea of a ruling class to lead? When we sincerely examine these eyes from his cartoons. I had to agree that in particular are in need of leadership from flatter and entice the target, without ap- questions, we are at our best. These adver- he had the qualities of a leader; he was undergraduate business students travelling pearing bigoted. tisements represent us at our worst: disin- startlingly eloquent when speaking with from Australia on resumé junkets (‘going genuous. family, confident (even brash), good at on Globe’). I’ll leave it to my more in- This leadership-speak is code, fit for pur- sport, tall for his age… sightful colleagues to dissect the racist and pose. My school could not say “people who colonialist undertones here; suffice it to can afford to enrol here have opinions apt I continued: “What is leadership?” ask, any time ‘leadership’ is invoked: “who to be enforced upon others”, but they is led, and why?” could proclaim that the school was “rais- He froze, tearing his eyes from the televi- ing young leaders”. The ‘Global’ poster is sion and fixing them on me, searchingly. My high school, the kind of school that so juicy and flattering to business students Grandma never asked questions like that. maintains a rowing team despite being because of the silent host of assumptions He looked pained for a long moment, located hundreds of kilometres from their and power dynamics it conjures. My four- and then suddenly his face lit up. He an- nearest competitors (or indeed anything year-old cousin does not yet speak ‘leader’, nounced proudly: not pushing its luck to call itself a 'lake'), so he gives the game away. He will learn. had a curious student leadership policy. “It’s telling people what to do!” Bizarrely, every senior was a prefect. One Good leadership follows from expertise, 18 tech

In a New Age of Gaming, the Final Boss is Ourselves

Henry Lynch hates new video games, and it’s all your fault.

hen I purchased the much- even worse professionally published titles, anticipated Halo: The Masterchief in the words of YouTube personality CollectionW , I did so with high hopes. I Boogie2988: “you get a shit sandwich.” dreamed of re-visiting the alien worlds that characterised the virtual escapism of How do we prevent modern gaming’s my childhood. Yet, Microsoft’s anthology descent into the virtual abyss? We must turned out to be the gaming equivalent of stop solely blaming the developers and the Seinfeld reunion: an awkward, half- admit that we, the common, basement- baked and broken mess that people would dwelling gamer, are the root of the rather forget, sadly turning their eyes back problem. through the rose-tinted lens of nostalgia. Every time we purchase or pre-order one This behaviour from AAA developers like of these broken games, we confirm to the Electronic Arts, Microsoft and Ubisoft, developer that they are doing things right. where games are released either unfinished The steady rise of pre-ordering is equally prophesised a ‘Big Crash’ similar to that As long as we keep buying these games, or poorly completed, has become the norm to blame. Developers now cut out chunks which occurred in the 1980s which almost they will keep on making them. in modern gaming. And yet we continue of on-disk content to incentivise people destroyed the gaming industry. As it was to purchase their half-baked garbage. into pre-ordering games. Dying Light, before the first crash, the gaming market So I beg of you, stop gambling with published by Warner Bros Entertainment, is currently characterised by multiple games and start voting with your minds A big reason for this is online media. removed an entire game mode, ‘Be the low-quality titles, not enough high- and wallets. Don’t buy Assassin’s Creed 20: Whilst media’s role should be to inform Zombie’, and offered it as an exclusive quality titles, and all exorbitantly priced, Retirement Home simply because you have consumers’ purchasing behaviour through pre-order bonus. ultimately eroding consumer confidence. every other game in the franchise. Don’t reviews of new products, we instead pre-order FIFA 2019 because it comes in a look for information through online We therefore find ourselves spending The growing popularity of programs such slightly bigger, less-convenient box. personalities who care more about their twice the money for half the content, and as Steam that allow for the independent own entertainment value than that of the the concept of buying a finished game for publishing of ‘indie’ games also spells doom If we fight back against greedy developers games they are promoting. This ‘hypes’ the a reasonable price becomes a pipe dream for the industry. Whilst a select few of these by being more selective with our buying product into something it simply is not. saved for the Elder Scrolls 6 or Half Life 3 titles are hugely successful, most notably behaviour, then maybe I can start enjoying Thus we keep buying these games, and are (confirmed). Minecraft, the majority, quite frankly, video games again. disappointed every time. suck. When the market is oversaturated Will this ever stop? Many have with atrocious self-published titles, and

Space to Think Adam Chalmers on why Tor is the next step in academic freedom.

ithout new ideas, society stag- tion Act was fresh in our minds. Cultures es through journal databases, emails to before they can defend themselves. The nates. Without privacy, there are change, but this requires ideas to be de- lecturers, discussion groups and digital situation isn’t hopeless. There are many noW new ideas. veloped in private before being presented notes to ourselves are all online. And to- ways to resist. Please—refuse to hand them to the world. day, nothing online is private. In the age over students data to the state. Install the We have a right to develop new ideas of mass surveillance, everything you do Tor browser on all university computers. in private before sharing them with the The university supports us in thinking online can be stored, compiled and delved Use HTTPS and strong encryption on world at large. Ideas like feminism or so- these ideas. Their libraries, lecturers, tu- through. All our valuable ideas can be read all internal traffic. Encrypt our mail. Join cial healthcare are now cornerstones of our torial discussions all help us develop our by snooping friends, malicious hackers, the civil liberties groups which speak out society, but years ago they were new and thoughts and opinions. And in the past or overzealous surveillance states. This against unnecessary mass surveillance. frightening. Controversial ideas like that this learning process was private. No-one offends the deepest principles of free Emulate Google, Microsoft, Facebook need to be developed in private among could monitor which books you borrowed. thought and academic privacy that insti- and other digital companies and disclose trusted friends and peers before they’re No-one could bug your private conversa- tutions like our university are supposed to the numbers and details of government released to a hostile society. Sydney Uni- tions with a professor or friend. No-one not only defend, but cherish and nurture. information requests. versity has a proud history of fostering could read your mind and discover the such ideas. In the 70s, the philosophy ideas you were engaging with. So chancellors, deans and provosts every- Without brave, controversial, unfashion- department split in two when academics where should take a stand: restore the pri- able ideas, society stagnates. The universi- demanded the right to teach units on fem- But today the university’s tools of research vacy that was taken from your universities, ty was once a safe place for the pursuit of inism. Courses on Marxism were institut- and discussion are no longer private, be- scholars and students. Protect us from the such ideas. And it can be once again. ed while the Communist Party Dissolu- cause they are all online. Our search- prying eyes that would destroy our ideas

19 Questions People Always Ask Identical Twins

Tim Jackson splits hairs over split zygotes.

1. Are you guys twins? 2. Are you identical? 3. Are you sure? You don’t look that similar… 4. How do I tell you guys apart? 5. What’s it like being a twin? How’s it different to being a normal person? 6. Can you feel when your brother is sad? 7. If I hit your brother, will you feel it? 8. Can I hit your brother? 9. My best friend’s cousins are also twins, do you know them? 10. Do you swap clothes? 11. Do you play pranks all the time? 12. Can your parents tell you apart? 13. Do you listen to the same music? 14. Do you guys have the same sized dicks? 15. How do you know you have the same sized dick? 16. Are you doing an Arts degree? You’re such a disappointment.

Dollars & Sense Fallen Teeth Julia Clark Dominic Ellis thinks there’s happiness at all hours. ’m shaking so hard my teeth have fallen carry but forgot this time. he quest for perpetual drunkenness on a budget is a noble one, out but I’m still trying to speak, to I picture that once I collapse onto my but a daydream for most. Rest assured, USyd has your back. Iarticulate as much as I can what this feels maid-made bed tonight, a small furry Yes,T unbeknownst to many, this noble institution is packed full of, and like, as though I could find an analogy. creature will feast on the sores of my feet surrounded by, bargain booze. My jaw flaps loosely, forming spit bubbles sticking out from the sheets with a tiny between my gums, like the ones babies pink tongue, sucking my fluids like nectar. The key here is the Grandstand Bar. Don’t be fooled by its palatial make. Which reminds me of the first time a bat surroundings (wedged between colleges and an oval), the Grandstand is swooped at my bread sandwich when I the ideal venue for the daydrinking bootstraps Arts student looking to I bought new shoes today and even as I was a small child feeding ducks at dusk: drown out the angst of their three hour day. The food might be pricey, stand here with legs crossed at the knee to stragglers before the roost. but the Happy Hours are another story. Between 11am and close (usually restrain my bladder, I feel the leather front around 3:30pm), beer, cider, and wine are $4. strap working its way into my flesh: the If I keep my stare steady on the freckle usually hardy skin just above my right big at the end of your eyebrow and sip this From there, venture over to the regulars. Between 4 and 6pm, Manning do toe is rubbed past raw to the hollow of a champagne, then I will laugh about $4 cider and spirits, while Hermanns, this reporter’s preference for seedy popped blister where the stick of shredded this moment in a Mexican restaurant campus bars, offers $3.50 Boags schooners, Chardonnay, Cabernet Shiraz skin meets the steady re-insertion of the with my best friend or at the pub with and bubbles at the same time. lining like a jet wing sharp through the acquaintances. sky. The reminding jabs point to pain I The happy hour hot streak continues ever so slightly off campus. Corridor could have avoided if only I had brought is your best bet. During the week, they do $5 pints (yes, PINTS) and $10 bandaids or those blister patches I always cocktails between 5 and 7pm. Afterwards, if you can navigate through the congealed-cocktail flooring, Corridor’s lewd neighbor Kuleto’s offers two- for-one cocktails between 5.30 and 7.30pm from Monday to Saturday.

Still going? Go a few rounds at the Royal or Flodge with $9 and $10 student jugs respectively, then end the night at Li’l Darlin (Surry Hills or Darlinghurst) with $10 cocktails from 10pm on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturday.

20 Bees>Dogs

Joel Hillman likes stings and hates puppies.

ogs are lame, so it’s no surprise they The reason a bee does this better than is cancer. It’s a known fact that blood can’t even perform simple tasks like a dog is their simplicity, and detached composition is altered by many illnesses, Dsniffing out cancer like that article on and indifferent nature. Stupid dogs and it is not a large stretch to imagine Facebook says they can. Bees on the other are confused by the added weakness some of these molecules are volatile, and hand are cool, and can probably do that. of wanting to please their trainer, and thus lost in the breath. In fact, it has been to provide a positive response. This is demonstrated that bees can sense them, The research done to ‘prove’ that why sniffer dogs for drugs and other and identify patients with diabetes and stupid dogs can smell cancer has been contraband often turn up false positives or tuberculosis. inconclusive at best, with issues in design. miss perpetrators. Bees are heartless, and The training and experimental procedure don’t give a damn what you think, and just Bees can be easily conditioned to associate was performed on patients already do what they want. They’re also cheaper, a scent, such as cancer markers, illicit receiving treatment—an obvious flaw: the quicker to train, don’t need a drugs or explosives with a food reward, slobber on you. They are bleeding hearts, medicines themselves smell. dedicated handler, and can’t be and indicate their presence by moving to and inferior to insects. They don’t even distracted—so we should a special chamber in a test container, or by have wings. Bees can sense molecules in the parts per stop experimenting sticking out their tiny bee tongues. trillion (pathetic humans are in the parts with dirty dogs Also never forget that wasps can also per billion). The famous biologist like they are Bees are super useful. They provide you be (bee?) trained, so always stay on the Karl von Frisch, and even that in the with sweet, sweet honey, their venom good side of entomologists, or you could great dog lover Pavlov, proved US, and provides molecules being investigated to find yourself in a Hitchcock film. Finally, that honeybees communicate start using treat multiple sclerosis, fibromyalgia and in case you needed any more proof bees complex spatial ideas clinical bees. other inflammatory diseases, they pollinate are way sicker than dogs any day: BEES and indicate time and Bees can also an enormous amount of our crops, and VOTE ABOUT WHERE TO PUT numbers, and can also learn see colours and they are the most badass animals ever, THEIR HIVES. simple instruction, like in smell scents you can’t since they literally die if they attack you, classical conditioning. imagine. One of which which is pretty hardcore. All dogs do is

Party Like it’s 1997

Katie Davern went to a kid’s party and hated it.

ids parties haven’t really been too much. Except in the kitchen, the chef- When it was kid lunch time, I sat Julie plus a few years and minus the impressive my scene since about 1999, but I style pot had the wrong pasta-to-boiling down in a plastic chair at the kid table, physique that one can only acquire by Krecently went out of my comfort zone water ratio, there were kilos of prawns that told her firmly to stay there while I fighting crime and living in a cave. Batman for my nephew’s superhero-themed fifth were yet to be decapitated and a whole scooped out some pasta for her and then was a little freaky: he had wild orangey birthday party. tray of sliced fennel was sitting on the watched as she got it all over her yellow, brown locks under his face mask, spoke in a bench looking lonely and limp. Fumbling heirloom dress. (The dress belonged to seriously gravelly voice and seemed unable It was Joey*’s first ‘friend party’ meaning around trying to bandaid kitchen disasters my own mother when she was a child and to break from character from the moment little kid friends he had made in day care wasn’t really working out for me and so had been passed down, a story that got he arrived. He succeeded in scaring kids and preschool were invited as well as all when guests started arriving, my sister retold roughly 846 times throughout the (and adults) and his distracting presence of his miniature cousins. As a twenty- looked at me, with big twitching eyes, day. Never have I been so concerned about enabled the adults to eat real food – what something-year-old adult, I can deal pleading in desperation and I was non- spilt food on somebody else’s clothing.) a downright superhero. with being in the presence of up to three verbally relegated to mind her other child, Most of the other kids could more or children, but any more than that is, frankly, Julie*. Although Julie has the cutest little less feed themselves and were happily What I learned: if a kid’s party is truly unchartered and potentially hazardous Mediterranean cherub face in the world, munching on revolting-looking frankfurts inescapable, hire out Batman for the whole territory for me; I was (not so) secretly a she nevertheless is still two years old, suffocated by hot dog rolls consisting of day. It’ll be the best $300 you’ll ever spend. little apprehensive. with limited social and motor skills. She half the adult daily recommended intake tried to interact with the other kids but of sugar. *Names changed My plan was genius: I would take refuge her language barrier was naturally pretty in the kitchen and “help out” if the inhibiting. Also, kids are just selfish and At midday, we heard a knock at the front onslaught of mini humans became a bit cruel sometimes always. door. It was Batman! Well, Batman

21 gronkwatch

Gronks Across the Board

In this week’s GronkWatch, Dominic Ellis catches you up on all the Union Board election goss.

She’ll be managed by current SRC Vice- though GronkWatch tips Jack Whitney as Moderate Liberal, was also considering a President Daniel Ergas, who—just to the likely frontrunner. tilt at Board, but decided (wisely) to keep prove once and for all that we all want his dignity, after running the numbers. the same thing—campaigned against Also “actively considering running for Alexander in last year’s SRC election. Union Board” and likely pulling from Next up is Michael Rees. Law student the endless springs of clubs and societies and former editor of Sydney University’s Also in the race is the ever-present Eden is Shannen Potter. Potter is the president prestigious student newspaper Honi Soit,2 Caceda. You might remember Caceda of DarcySoc, and though her factional Rees will look to the ‘Indies’ for campaign from such projects as ‘SWAG’, the Tory affiliations are unclear, word around town support, a group that, though past its Honi ticket, the Autonomous Collective is that Sydney Labor Students (SLS), heyday, Board Director and hot-tip Union Against Racism (ACAR), and every club a once-powerful-now-petty Labor-left Presidential candidate Liv Ronan used in and society ever. He’s also assumed the faction on campus, will be running Potter her Board campaign last year. mantle of Arts camp-indoctrinator this under their branding. year. GronkWatch managed to get our When we probed token college boy William hands on a text message from Caceda’s Marco Avena, from broad Left group Khun about his candidature, he verbosely manager Whitney Duan to an attendee Grassroots, is hoping his experience replied “I have in the past said that I intend of Arts camp, which suggests that Caceda with the on-campus Fossil Free group to run for Board, and my actions thus far plans to “keep union leadership out of will popularise him with the Greensy this semester would entirely be in alignment party politics that overrun government”.1 Newtown populace. It’s worth noting with running for Board”. that Avena is the fourth white man to run ide your first years, the gronks are out Labor-right faction Unity are hedging under the Grassroots branding in as many Finally, there’s also talk of a candidate from and about. their bets in this election, running three Board candidates. the Evangelical Union—though we’re H candidates. Atia Rahim, another exec unsure whether this will amount to anything. Though Union Board candidate rumours member of the (electorally well-stocked) Speaking of white males, Libertarian have been circulating the gronkosphere Arts Society is among them, along with Society exec member and newly crowned Though the punters won’t get any solid for months, your resident watcher can now Jesse Seton and returning 2013 candidate economics society president Kerrod predictions from this GronkWatch reporter, bring some certainty to proceedings. Be Georg Tamm, whose campaign will be Gream is also in the contest. He is one of with three affirmative action spots warned, the candidate-count is heinous. managed by Sean Nugent. two Tories contesting this election, along allocated to women, the odds look good with Jennifer Zin, an executive member of for Potter, Rahim, Zin and Alexander. First out of the gates is vice-president of At the time of print, the other prominent the Liberal Club. the United Nations Society and former Labor faction, National Labor Students Labor campaigner Tiffany Alexander. (NLS), were yet to pick a candidate, Honi understands that Joel Schubert, a

1. The message proceeds to state that Union elections are “super fun” because “everyone gets on colourful tshirts and hang out on the law lawns”—which would be a really persuasive sales pitch were it not egregiously awful. 2. As if writing these god-forsaken election previews isn’t stupol enough for one lifetime.

So You’re Thinking of Running For Board?

Anonymous may just convince you otherwise.

o you have an amount of experience political Methuselah) hash together a of everyone, just to show how normal a to revues which you will definitely not turn in the USU that is by no means shopping list of policy ideas, campaign student you really are. up drunk for. (If you show up at all). You Dexpansive, but can make you sound like from 8—5 for a fortnight and leverage get a line on your CV and a preselection in you know what you're doing? Do you do a all of your m8s from Arts Camp or your If you're really lucky, your first experience twenty years. I hear there are some travel degree that doesn't require you to actually preferred sect of the Young Fuck Club to on Board will be a heated Executive perks, too. attend class? Do you have hundreds become the heir apparent to, or crucial election where the “best candidate” is the of dollars to buy materials and sustain vote for, an imminent Board executive. one that can get their faction to offer a If you really want to run for Board, run yourself as you work a lot less or not at great deal for the upcoming SRC elections. because you don't want to see your Union all? Do you have dozens of expedient If you make it, for two years you will be This is because, despite the insistent arm’s reduced to a toxic culture of factionalism, friends who will give up hours of their paid to share the company of ten other length at which the organisations keep abuse of privilege, and divisive behaviour time to help you for no material reward? similar-tier sociopaths, some of whom you one another, the USU and SRC both —because that’s hardly better than the 13 Are you willing to endlessly compromise will have shouted at and fought with on the (notionally) represent students and of Senate-appointed Directors we’ll have in and back-stab to get what you want? campaign trail yourself. Most of them will course they overlap. This definitely won't ten years anyway. So warped and mangled be in different political factions, so they'll affect how everyone works together from is the process that even the pure of heart If you answered yes to all of these stick in little groups and plot to screw you thereon. who hope to change the system from questions, then congratulations you rich, over at some stage in the future. Unless, of within will surely be chewed up, spat out factional sociopath, you can run for Board. course, you're all together at a USU party, We mustn’t ignore the benefits, though. and registering for Arts Camp 2016 to in which case you get a group Instagram You get a meal card to shout your friends/ sure up their bid for the presidency next You too can (under the instruction of a shot (#USU #BoardDirectors) then dance successor $11 of free food every day while year. on the stage, behind the barricade, in front you live off meagre pay. You get free tickets

22 src caseworker help

Special Consideration Ask Abe

What if I am sick for an assessment or examination? SRC Caseworker HELP Q&A Is there a way no to get a fail?

Hello Abe, edu.au/stuserv/learning_centre. Go to Student Resources then Module 10. Even though it’s still really early in This is an online resource for you to the semester I still feel that I’m heaps work through in your own time. It’s all behind. I’ve got more assignments really commonsense stuff but makes a due than I know how to deal with. I’m real difference when you follow it. starting to feel really stressed and finding my studies are suffering even more – it’s If you’ve done all of these things and a vicious cycle. Can you give me some still can’t cope with your workload you ideas that will help me? might like to talk to an SRC Caseworker about the possibility of withdrawing Busy from a subject. This may attract an academic penalty, but you can at least check out what your options are. If you Dear Busy, are on a Centrelink payment tell your Caseworker as this might alter how you This is the time of the semester when reduce your workload. many students start to feel the pressure of assignments being due. Deal with A final word of caution, when students each of those aspects one step at a time. feel pressured they can sometimes be less Talk to your tutor now to see if you can vigilant about referencing and proper arrange an extension. Talk to someone paraphrasing when they write essays. If in the University’s Health Service (Level you know that you are cutting corners it 3, Wentworth Building) or Counselling is best to get help before handing your and Psychological Services (Level 5, Jane essays in. Talk to a lecturer, the Learning Foss Russell Building). Centre, Counsellor or SRC Caseworker and ask for help. This is better than The Learning Centre runs free courses putting in an essay you know is not up for time management. This can help to your usual standard and then being You can apply for a Special Consideration. What if I am sick for the supplementary you get your uni work under control found guilty of plagiarism. Go to the website for your faculty and examination or every assessment in a while still having a social life. Check download the application form. See subject? Is there any way not to get a fail? out their website at http://www.usyd. Abe your doctor (or if yours is not available, any doctor) and get your Professional YOU SHOULD NOT GET A FAIL Practitioner’s Certificate (PPC) completed. – assuming you have documented why This needs to be on the same day that you you could not attend/complete each are sick and should not be backdated. If assessment and successfully applied for WE’VE GOT your doctor is not available you will need Special Consideration, as outlined in the to see another doctor. If you are too sick policy. to go to the doctor, find a doctor that will do a house call. There are a few available What is the policy? YOUR BACK – you can find them through google. Your doctor should also give a brief description If they reschedule your exam and of the things that you are unable to do, assessments, but you are too sick (for If You Have A Legal Problem? eg attend university, leave bed, sit up for example) to attend any again, and you We Can Help For FREE! longer than 10 minutes, etc. The doctor apply for special consideration each time will also have to assess the severity of your and your applications are approved each condition. If you are not severely effected time, you should not receive a “fail”. by your illness you might find it difficult to Instead you should be awarded a DC Fines get special consideration. grade.

If you have a valid PPC, and the doctor A DC is a Discontinued, Not Fail. Motor Vehicle Accidents has assessed that you are severely affected Compared to a Fail (or Absent Fail or or worse you should almost certainly be Discontinue Fail), a DC is good for your Immigration granted special consideration. Be aware transcript and good for your Annual that you do not have to provide more Average Mark and Weighted Average details about you condition if you would Mark (WAM). Criminal Charges prefer to keep that confidential. SO if you can’t do any of the assessments Remember that Special Consideration in a subject this semester, or in the future, Debts is for a temporary illness, misadventure and you have successfully applied for or exacerbation of a long term illness. special consideration EACH TIME, then ...and more It is not for long term illnesses per se. check that your mark is recorded as a DC.

That should be dealt with through the You should also apply to have a refund or We have a solicitor who speaks Cantonese, Mandarin & Japanesee Disabilities Unit. recrediting of your fees. Ask at the faculty 法律諮詢 office or the SRC for the appropriate 法律アドバイス forms. Level 1, Wentworth Bldg, University of Sydney Liability limited by This service is provided a scheme approved to you by the Students’ p: 02 9660 5222 | w: src.usyd.edu.au under Professional Representative Council, Standards Legislation. University of Sydney e: [email protected] | ACN 146 653 143

23 src officebearer reports

These pages belong to the officebearers of the SRC.

They are not altered, edited, or changed in any way by the Honi editors. President’s Report

Kyol Blakeney

ecently, the Vice Chancellor sent the allegation that our students engaged is that, due to technological advances, the still gets the short end of the stick. around an email to all staff and in anti-Semitism. The views our students whole world can see. Rstudents of the University alleging that hold have nothing to do with a person’s I, personally, stand in solidarity with student activists had been engaging in ethnicity, beliefs or religion. Thirdly, I find it horrible that the right to those accused of acting in an anti-Semitic anti-Semitic behaviour on campus. This protest has been compromised because manner because I know that this is only has been a growing controversy within the Secondly, the conflict happening right people have completely twisted the a strategy to silence those wanting justice walls of our University and it’s time that a now involving Palestine and Israel is issue in the direction of race wars and for our comrades in Palestine. few things were set straight. nothing more than an invasion for land. discrimination based on religion. I think It is the same thing that happened to this it’s quite childish, particularly when the Firstly, as President of your SRC I reject country 227 years ago. The only difference marginalised group in this circumstance

Environment Officers’ Report

Callista Barritt

he Environment Collective is a fun problems too! At a collective meeting, we agreed to Australia, reportedly had a great time. loving group, with an abounding support the organisation SOS Blak compassionT for the planet, and all of the Fossil Free USYD has been out Australia with a financial donation and We are excited about our new life that resides here. We hope you, dear campaigning and letting people know explore other ways we might be able e-newsletter! It will service as a periodic like-minded reader, will join our ranks about the upcoming national day of to support this movement supporting reminder of upcoming events, campaigns, and start making a difference! Our new divestment action at mid day, outside the communities fighting removal from get-togethers, and other fun activities. We working groups mean you can engage in a quad on the 22nd of April. Come and their land. This reflects our commitment will also share readings and articles that broad range of activities that interest you. plant a wind turbine, enjoy a picnic with us to environmental activism that is in we find interesting and pertinent to the The Collective has had a vibrant first half and sign our petition to the university to solidarity with First Nations peoples’ fight causes we are fighting for. of the semester, building a more active divest. Last year we achieved a 20 percent for justice. and diverse environmental movement on reduction in the Uni’s portfolio carbon To subscribe to our fascinating and campus. footprint, and our rallying cry this year is During the break, Collective members inspiring newsletter, please find us on to “DIVEST THE REST!!” If you would ventured over to UTS to support UTS Facebook: Sydney Uni Enviro Collective. In Week 4, the Collective had a fabulous like to get involved in organising, come to Enviro Collective with their Fossil Free There you will also find more frequent stall at Pride Week. We added to our our meeting at 11am every Wednesday at UTS campaign. and detailed updates on the Collective. collection of signatures for the Fossil Free the Manning Sunken lawns. You can also email us if you don’t have USYD and Monster Climate Petitions. Collective members who attended the Facebook: [email protected]. Our friends from the Queer Community The Community Garden are planning Wollemi Common Enviro Group this edu.au. were incredibly supportive of the cause some very interesting and exciting past weekend, camping with members because environmental problems are queer gardening workshops. of other enviro collectives from around Education Officers’ Report

Blythe Worthy

irst of all, David and I would like to of the NTEU (that’s the National UTS. We can fight back though, and have more thank and praise those who turned Tertiary Education Union). Having a fun, creative actions up our sleeves as the Fup to the National Day of Action on the diverse and intersectional selection of The fight against the Liberal government’s year rolls on, so if you want to come to 25th of March and yelled, carried banners people to represent the Sydney University cuts to education doesn’t end with the some of our panels or law and Photoshop and exercised their democracy. It was such community is really important to us as we defeat of fee deregulation, something sessions, please look up the EAG on a touching and energetic demonstration believe Queer and POC (People of Colour) many of us are beginning to believe might Facebook. that didn’t lose momentum once all the voices have always been foundational to actually happen due to the latest Pyne way from Sydney Uni to UTS and then to radical social movements yet are also those defeat a few weeks ago. EAGs (Education Action Group) are held Town Hall. more likely to be silenced. on the law lawns (weather permitting) Abbott and Pyne will come back for our every Tuesday at 1 and the Ed Officers are Speeches on our end were wide and With contingents from all over the SSAF or increase other fees for students, always keen for a chat, should you want varied, calling from students from the university community including massive which will only serve to target those who to look us up on Facebook. Maintain the Disabilities and Carers, Queer and Wom*n and Queer blocs, as well as an have trouble affording to come to uni as rage. Indigenous collectives, as well as members incredible Indigenous bloc, assembled at it is. 24 src officebearer reports

These pages belong to the officebearers of the SRC.

They are not altered, edited, or changed in any way by the Honi editors.

Indigenous Officers’ Report

Nathan Sheldon-Anderson and Jethro Braico

owdy y’all! Hope you had a good forced closure of remote communities, held Embassy. Now all of these are important The conference will establish a network of break. Now, just in case you missed simultaneously with one in Melbourne issues but we can only overcome them young indigenous student leaders in which Hit over your alcohol study fueled break, (which was eloquently described as a through a set of national actions and the communication of Indigenous issues here are a few important issues. ‘selfish rabble’, at this point newspapers movements. and the organisation of events such as are just trying to prove their absurdity). rallies and protest, can be made efficiently What is the intrinsic aspect of Australian The 2000 strong march consisted of Last month the Indigenous officers and effectively. This conference will reflect politics? The humble thought bubble. Indigenous and non-Indigenous people, met with the Bridget Cama, the NUS the Indigenous values of community Warren Mundine in his role as Chairman students and non-students, unionists National ATSI officer, to discuss Sydney and solidarity, particularly important of the Prime Minister’s Indigenous and small children. Starting in Belmore Uni’s involvement in the Aboriginal and considering the current relationship Advisory Council has suggested a national Park with several speeches then marched Torres Strait Islander Student conference between the Australian government and database of Aboriginal people. Now I through the pouring rain, with the gutters in Sydney 2015. The conference will be Indigenous Australia - reflective in the understand the rationale, it can be quite overflowing to the Redfern Tent Embassy. held from the 22nd - 25th of July, with closing of communities, the Redfern difficult to prove ones Aboriginality but approximately 50-70 Indigenous officers, tent embassy, and The Intervention. This having a database of one specific group These marches were in solidarity with the representatives and student leaders year’s conference will have a focus on seems reminiscent of some dystopic Indigenous communities in W.A and S.A predicted to attend. The conference aims to representation and access as expressed science fiction. that are under threat of forced closure. The develop relationships between Indigenous in the conferences motto ‘Equal Access, speeches also highlighted issues of racism student leaders, building and gaining skills Equal Representation = Equal Education’. Last Friday night there was a march from in our society, deaths in custody and more in the areas of policy writing, fundraising, Stay tuned interested parties; there will be Belmore Park to The Block to stop the close to uni, the plight of the Redfern Tent and campaigning. another protest on the 1st of May.

Queer Action Collective Report

Hannah Pankau

ueerkat’s focus project for this binary folks. We would like to make this not be able to afford new clothes to obtain event and if you would like to be involved semester will be to start a clothing a cross-campus event as the Queerkats a wardrobe they feel comfortable in, and please contact the Queer Officers: Qswap, hopefully including binders and collective is not just for students of Sydney mean that trans people do not have to face [email protected] breastforms, and as such the swap will University. Clothing swaps can be a very potential transphobia when shopping for be aimed to cater for trans and non- useful tool as they allow students who may clothes. More details to come about this

Notice of Special DATE: 15th April Council Meeting TIME: 6pm 87th Students’ LOCATION: Professorial Representative Board Room (Quadrangle) Council, University Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney of Sydney Phone: 02 9660 5222 | www.src.usyd.edu.au supra

This page belongs to the officebearers of SUPRA.

It is not altered, edited, or changed in any way by the Honi editors. Is the University Following its Own Rules?

hen you hear the phrase “Com- Now I’m sometimes told, though not quite is piecemeal. The SRC and SUPRA must you, postgraduate students, as to what pliance by the University with in these words, that problems of compli- pursue the University over each individual breaches you have seen or experienced. UniversityW policies” you are not filled with ance are not a problem because certain case, the affected student must put in an What kind of experiences are we thinking rapturous anticipation. It may not sound of the University’s policies are not worth inordinate amount of work, and hopefully about? Apart from the breaches we have like a glamorous topic, for many students enforcing. For example, senior members at the end we’ll have fixed the issue—but described above, we know students have though it’s a big issue. SUPRA has in the of the University Administration have ar- only for that one student, and not for been wrongly been put through plagia- past and always will push for better policies gued to me that 100% exams in law are their colleagues who never thought to rism investigations for highly minor mat- for students. However as a basic starting uniquely appropriate to the discipline. If make a complaint. ters. We know that faculties have basically point we want the University to comply this is the case though, repeated circum- ignored medical evidence for special con- with current conditions that are progres- vention of the University’s policy is not The matter is quiet and dull but the issue sideration requests and show cause cases. sive and favorable for students. When it the remedy—a change to the rules is the is bubbling away under the surface, and We know that there have been gaps in comes to policy issues in the University remedy. I don’t agree that 100% exams for the steam is growing. Raising the issue at investigating harassment and discrimi- the failure of compliance may well be our law would be pedagogically meritious, but a recent University committee meeting nation and bullying cases, with investiga- biggest single issue in casework. What is if some do feel this way, let us have the I find myself troubled for the health of tions taking inordinately long and com- the point of a collection of protections for debate openly. several attendees, if they had have nod- plainants not being protected. If you have students if these are not enforced? ded any more vigorously they would have a story that you would like to confiden- There’s a danger, in writing this article, got whiplash. Meanwhile specific viola- tially tell us, to help SUPRA pressure the One of the most common and egregious that it may become a list—nothing but a tions and difficulties create simmering University into better compliance, please breaches for coursework students is one series of offences and violations by facul- discontent—and I suspect that it’s one contact us. You can email president@su- hundred percent exams. The University’s ties. We could write out a very long list of the factors which makes the Universi- pra.usyd.edu.au. own policy requires that students have the indeed of various policy breaches—maybe ty of Sydney’s rating on graduate surveys opportunity for formative practice or ex- enough for an article on its own. With- much, much lower than administration is This article was written by the president in perience and to a variety of assessments, out descending into cliché though, every comfortable with. conjunction with SUPRA’s casework team. yet many still have one hundred percent policy violation has a face, and that face It may not represent the views of SUPRA exams. The University’s own policy also is usually a distressed and angry student. From here SUPRA wants to hear from council. requires giving feedback early in a subject, this rule is frequently ignored. Turning to As far as I can determine the University research students the University’s policy has no effective, operating procedure that requires that no supervisor should take protects against violations of its own poli- on more than five students except in ex- cies by faculties. Not one. In principle the GET YOUR ceptional circumstances. In some depart- university’s auditing department may pur- ments it would seem almost every case in sue the matter, and very occasionally they an ‘exceptional circumstance’. do browse through unit outlines. On the TEXTBOOKS whole though the only means for redress

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Look out for launch dates coming soon at various campuses! For more info: www.srcusyd.net.au/src-books www.supra.usyd.edu.au 26 This service is provided to you by Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney BLACK SKIES Moon: To so much as look ABOVE at the moon is a terrfying GOLGOTHA transgression against the god of The Garter Press every faith. You mustn’t look. He is rinse DENSELY, WELL WRITTEN PAGES AHOY! Nothing in my hand I bring (to pay with)

Who wore it best? Want to reed like an Easter Lenten Liftout Jesus, the cool thief, Rabbit? Our hot Easter fuck pages 28 and 29 or the shit thief? tips are inside!

Guest Editorial: God of the Old Testament REPORT: JOCK HEAD Elderly Just Old TRANSPLANTED Regular People I’m just not going to touch them

ON NERD BODY A ground-breaking report at Stamford University has today demonstrated that the Lo. Look upon the awful work of the hands that heeds not the Lord elderly are actually just older regular people. I AM VENGEFUL Rick Parsons, coordinator of the decades AND LOVING long investigation said that the results of G’day weaklings, the study were “truly incredible”.

Literal myth and legend G-d of the Old “Whereas for a long time it seemed as Testament, here. though the elderly were some sort of separate species, unfit for compassion or Seems a lot of people seem to have a problem kindness,” Parsons said “This study has with my style. The fashionable thing is to proven that they have a whole lot more in wear tight pants and decry my book as past-it common with us than we first thought.” while some have nerve to claim that I’m not bloody relevant anymore! Fancy that! The study followed the lives of nearly five thousand regular, adult human beings for It’s not just the heathens at The Guardian, more than forty years and found that, with either. Virgins, women, the gays, victims of At what point will we stop and say to ourselves: time, every test subject, notwithstanding the rape, the compassionate; everyone seems “yes, this is too far. I want to get off science now?” very youngest of the group, demonstrated to have it in for little old the creator of the all the signs of being geriatric. known universe. A surgery set to break all kinds of records “It certainly was an oversight to allow a in the world of brain science has gone well donor body that was so weak – especially “You look at the elderly and you think: all The pack of pansies in charge has let things this week, when a jock head was trans- given the dumb brain we were putting on those wrinkles… those horrible stoops… I slide and I thought a guiding hand might planted to the donor body of a nerd. it. It does make you wonder whether the couldn’t possibly be of the same species… do some good. So, having just celebrated the person, if you could call this abomination or even biological family as one of those anniversary of the brutal murder of my son Corey Stephenson, a first grade NRL play- as much, that has come out the other side things. I feel closer to chimps.” self, I reckon it’s fitting to commit everyone’s er for the Canterbury Bulldogs, was tragi- is actually Corey, or some sort of hideous, attention to an issue that’s a teensy bit cally crippled after a horse riding accident dumb, weak freak.” The researchers say that they can’t be spiritual. And you’re all gonna like it. in July last year, and scheduled to have a certain the youngest participants in the head transplant (the first of its kind) this Stephenson says he is unperturbed by the project will definitely grow to become Now, I can cop a bit of flack, just as much month. While doctors had hoped to find a troubling questions that the failed proce- elderly, but “we’re pretty sure, in time, as the next deity, but the amount I’ve been body as similar to Stephenson’s as possible, dure poses to the nature of identity. even babies will become brittle-boned, getting lately proves that I’ve gotta do his atrophying limbs and spine meant that thin-haired and wobbly. Ours is a truly some legwork before I’m taken seriously performing the operation as quickly was “I’m not a fucking nerd!” Stephenson bel- amazing species for all its variety.” as a loving tyrant again. So here it is. Four possible was imperative. A nerd body was lowed, while pounding his new, pathetic pages of soul cleansing. the only on hand. nerd chest with his pathetic nerd arms. The research team is uncertain as to whether or not the discovery is likely to So I’ll demonstrate my benevolence (once “The exercise raises all sorts of questions Psychologists and philosophers alike have improve treatment of the elderly. again) by forcibly taking editorial control about the future viability of the surgery,” speculated about the implications the sur- of a media outlet, demanding that it Dr Mark Prince of the Royal North Shore gery would have for Stephenson’s sense of “They still smell heaps bad,” Doctor Parsons generate content that exalts my glorious Hospital stated at press time “While the self with some experts theorising a new concluded. works AND THE WORK OF NO body has not rejected the head in the med- kinds of “super madness” for the head of OTHER, and making sure it’s the stuff ical sense of the word, it is clear that Ste- a sport’s star sewn onto the scrawny frame you want to read. The Garter Press, once phenson (if we accept his mind is within of a dweeb. IN THIS ISSUE: the beautiful, worldly conduit for good his brain) has certainly rejected the body. content, will become the conduit for my We’ve stuck him to a nerd after all.” It seems that, while surgery was technical- word. Check yourself. ly a success, not everyone is entirely happy Opinion: I’m Catholic. The pioneering surgery required a team of with the outcome of the operation. That’s a joke, right? If you don’t heed this plea for your love and more than 160 doctors and nurses work- Page 9 attention, I will make pillars of salt of all of you. ing for thirty-six consecutive hours, sev- “I wanna beat myself up!” an incredibly You don’t need the fruit of knowledge to know ering and then reconnecting the nerves, distressed Stephenson sobbed at press Moon going through that this is going to be a ripper edition! spinal cord, flesh and arteries of both the time. donor and the recipient. rebellious crescent phase Love, G-d page 12 27 The Garter Press NOT DICTATED BY JUDEO CHRISTIAN VALUES ALL THE TIME

POPE FRANCIS WEARS Garter Press Gives Up Preist Exiled to Timeliness for Lent Paedophile Island LEATHER JACKET This is an exercise in integrity That’s the sound of us LENTENgoogle can god know when i am masturbating? and definitely not laziness. scraping the bottom of the barrel

Pope Francis has wowed Catholic and a radical suite of kind public actions Journalists and editors alike at The Garter After thoughtful deliberation with non-Catholic audiences alike this week by and statements that mask his unfailing Press have today revealed that, in a show the region’s bishops and priests, this wearing a very cool black leather jacket. obedience to the most problematic parts of contempt for the vicious, 24-hour news afternoon transferred Brother Lawrence of Catholic doctrine. cycle, they would be giving up timeliness O’Reilly from his position as diocese The Pope revealed his cool new jacket, for lent. priest to a new position within the church like that sported by popular television The Pope described the jacket as “really, on Paedophile Island. character The Fonz, in a post-Easter very cool,” with “enough pockets for all of “The content you read today has been cre- address at the Apostolic palace. my cigarettes and hip-flasks.” ated with absolutely not attention paid to Father Daniel McReedy was quick to the enduring relevance of the pieces, and guard against speculative headlines. “Just chill!” the pontiff declared from the The pontiff is reportedly planning an without the slightest regard for what an famous balcony of his official residence, evening of Wes Anderson films which attentive and engaged audience requires “We have the utmost respect for Brother “This is a time for love and reflection and “anyone can rock up to with a +1.” of a purveyor of news media,” Gary Man- O’Reilly,” McReedy stated at a press looking cool.” dibles, Senior Editor, declared at a press conference this morning, “and while we The Pope was reached for comment, but conference some time whenever. cannot speak to the specifics of why he Many pious attendees were said to have just shouted “suck eggs!” as he sped off on has expatriated to Paedophile Island, his burst into tears at the sight of the very his papal motorcycle. “Some people might be surprised to find congregation can be confident that he left cool jacket. Pictured: The coolest pontiff since the that we’re running a section about a period only because he felt he must.” one that did the cadaver synod of time that ended a fortnight ago. That’s “Followers of Christ must learn to weep part of what we’re willing to give up for O’Reilly is not the first priest from his and also look great in cool leather jackets,” forty days.” parish to relocate to Paedophile Island. In the pontiff concluded. 1974, John Killop transferred out of the The move has attracted criticism from diocese after the assault of three young The jacket has been touted as a sign of some members of the public who believe girls who were members of his church. a Pope who is unafraid of taking a more there is an obligation for new publishers to serious and explicit line against looking keep their finger on the pulse of the social “Like Killop,” McReedy says, “O’Reilly is uncool. and political landscape. going away for no particular reason.”

Liberal stalwarts of the church have been “I know a lot of people are probably left “The move to Paedophile Island is not the vocally impressed. wondering, why? And I don’t have an an- result of allegations made against O’Reilly. swer right now. Maybe I will in a week? It’s an rangement to which he is better “Wowo! Look at his great jacket!” suited. We are sure he will enjoy the change The Pope’s fresh new look accompanies Who can say?” of pace offered at Paedophile Island.”

28 The Garter Press (BUT DEFINITELY THIS TIME)

Easter Eggs Mother of Nine The Fifth Quarter, Hatch Secures Front-Row LIFTOUTDon’t forget the reason for the season Pew at Doeswith God Coach approve ofBall interfaith There has been customary elation across Easter Service the Christian world this week as all Easter dodgeball games? google who to call if you Eggs began their great hatching on Sunday. have eaten holy spirit?

A lot of people say that there’s no place I’m not ashamed to be a trailblazer Children and adults alike everywhere have A Darlington mother of six has secured the for God on the sportscourt. I’ve always for headlines about religious conflicts woken up to smashed chocolate shells and front row pew for St Pater’s 2016 Easter disagreed. When you get out there and that aren’t bloody. People want to see trails of post-natal blood and offal all over celebrations after announcing her inten- start lobbing long ones, it doesn’t matter Buddhist monks smashing Muslims on the home as the horrible egg creatures tions to remain permanently on the pew at whether your opponent believes in the dodgeball pitch, not in the violence- within Easter eggs everywhere burst forth mass last week. reincarnation, Jesus or science – balls is plagued Rakhine region of Burma. from their sweet prisons to perform their balls and they’ll hit hard. ancient Easter rite. Bernadette Muscat and her husband Jo- As the loud few who would take issue seph took their seven children to the 10am It means that for a beautiful moment with this beautiful celebration of what it Pastor Greg McInnes says that this mass on Easter Sunday, however, when the on this troubled earth, everyone wants is to be human (and a dodgeballer) gather incredible act of literal birth is a reminder congregation left the church to organist everyone’s blood regardless of colour their pickets and start to chant “God hates that the death of Christ on the cross is, Therese O’Keeffe’s rousing rendition of or creed or faith – and in the pursuit of dodgeball” and all the other anti-dodgeball fundamentally, a cause for celebration. ‘Lord of the Dance’, the Muscat family points for a good fun sport. slogans we’ve become accustomed to, stayed put. fortify yourself against the hatred, arm “It’s a time to think of Christ. Certainly Apparently, this beautiful sentiment is yourself with your weapons of peace, and to think of his death, but we mustn’t It was only when the Muscat family of controversial. Not for the first time, my take your place on the dodgeboards. When forget his resurrection! As the demented, nine were still sitting on the pew at 9am Easter Interfaith Tournament came under you play, play for your pride and your pride chocolate, bird-rabbit forms claw and mass on Easter Monday that the parish fire from the heads of several institutions in your god or gods. scream their way through their protective office realised their intentions. who maintained that my regular interfaith layer of chocolate and the foil that seals dodgeball tournaments contravened the If ours is a world in which a man who prays in their freshness, we are reminded of the Mrs Muscat told us her extreme action doctrines of their faith. Sacrilege, even. towards Mecca five times a day can’t throw sacrifice by which all willing may profit.” was prompted by the large number of a dodgeball at a fella in a Sikh turban, well “submarine Catholics” who appear to only Well I say, no goal! sir, I just don’t know if it’s a world I want Local mother Amelia Elder says that hers attend mass over the Easter and Christ- to have any part in. is a family happy to stick to tradition. mas periods. “Every year we’ve gotten our children Easter eggs and every year it’s a joy to “There are always so many people at Good BEWARE OF THE watch them run and cry screaming as the Friday mass, and on the Sunday as well,” malformed bastard children of a rabbit she said. PERSON OF ONE BOOKIE: and a bird emerge from what they thought The divinely inspired odds was a delicious candy treat.” “I don’t know where they come from. But for the 3pm at Calvary, if this is what I have to do to stop the courtesy of Thomas Equinus “If you think too hard about the tradition, boats, so be it.” it stops making all that much sense,” Elder says. “We find it’s best just to keep on and This year, the St Pater’s Sunday congrega- 1. First Mover - $78.13 stablemate, First Mover, First Cause is a enjoy the season!” tion swelled by 20 per cent over the Eas- Once full of energy (at the beginning of similarly uncompelling argument betting ter long weekend, as the parish welcomed everything), First Mover is now often last option. As is customary, the horrible bipedal eight new worshippers. to jump, preferring to remain, as is this monsters wail at the moon and gnash fine gelding’s want, unmoved. 4. Being of Necessity - $13.42 their teeth for days before beginning the Although the entire Muscat family is Has to race. Doesn’t have to win. torturously slow process of dragging their currently occupying the pew, it is expect- 2. Ordered Nature - $66.66 bloodied, raspy bodies towards the ocean to ed that after a few months the Muscat A usually disciplined mare, Ordered 5. Grades of Perfection - $00.01 commit mass suicide. Their perfectly soluble children, aged between 19 months and Nature has never been at home when the The mare to which all thoroughbreds corpses will mix with the ocean and send it 15 years, will mind the pew on a rotating turf is churned up and the track descends must be compared. This paragon, this a beautiful shade of Easter gold to coincide roster. into chaos. With a forecast for black noblest and truest of beings that exists with the end of the school holidays. skies, you’d be wise to hold onto your lest all superlatives are reduced to non- “Why else do you think I had nine kids?” shekels. sense, is yet to lose a race and looks set to McInnes says it is a constant source of their mother said. maintain that record. Only a betting man inspiration: “Of all the ways that God works, 3. First Cause - $78.13 would bet against her, and that’s a truism. this is one of the most mysterious,” he says. Mrs Muscat said the action would not af- Almost indistinguishable from his fect her children’s wellbeing or social lives “Why? Dear God, why do you allow this?!” as they are homeschooled. 29 The Garter Press PUNCHING NEWS Stephen Hawking: Healthy Harold Top Half of “I Have Moved Beyond Appointed Head Anaconda Owner the Reach of Death.” of National Ice Insists Snake is Our science correspondent doesn’t understand Taskforce Harmless Yes. Let’s send the giraffe to war Armani explores our most primal prejudice Stephen Hawking, Director of Research among the scientific community, a at the Centre for Theoretical Cosmology spokesperson for the Royal Society At least fifty per cent of local herpetologist within the University of Cambridge, stating, “I’ll be honest, we’re not entirely The federal government has appointed Charles Alexander has emphatically who earlier this year made headlines by sure what’s going on, here. He’s kinda Healthy Harold to chair a new taskforce denied claims that his Brazilian anaconda fucking the beginning of space-time, has been doing his own thing since he fucked intended to coordinate a national response is anything other than perfectly harmless this morning called a press conference to space-time. It’s pretty cool, though.” to epidemic usage of the drug ice. today, witnesses report. announce that he has “moved beyond the reach of death”. Hawking didn’t explicitly threaten the Healthy Harold, a fictional talking giraffe “I’m just sick of this climate of fear around audience, but did close his address with who usually manifests as a puppet in [pythons]” said the upper body of the “The fabric of space-time will become my a sentiment that some have described as school presentations, is the official mascot Sydney snake specialist. plaything. I will move between worlds menacing. of Life Education Australia, a registered like a God. I am no longer concerned charity which strives “to empower the Residents who live nearby Mister by a sudden nuclear war, a genetically “Today, I leave my seat as Director of young to make the best choices for a safe Alexander’s Randwick home have expressed engineered virus or other dangers you Research at the Centre for Theoretical life, through our leading drug and health fears to police that his beloved collection have not yet imagined. I fear nothing,” he Cosmology. Who knows what tomorrow education programs.” Throughout his of reptiles and snakes in particular posed declared to reporters this morning. may bring? many years in this role, Mr Harold has a threat to local pets, children and adults. trapped thousands of school students in Alexander doesn’t buy it. The announcement has created uneasiness I do.” presentations so long they simply lacked the time to take up drug use. The pride of his 22-reptile collection is Hector, a female Brazilian anaconda Child of Divorce Better It is Mr Harold’s unflinching devotion to owing her name to an early confusion taking students out of classes which led about sex, species and rhyme. Understands Parents’ Divorce to his appointment by Prime Minister Families can be so dumb sometimes hahahaha Tony Abbott. “Less people should be “I’m not worried about Hector at all. I’ve using drugs, especially ice which is a very, had her since she was this big,” he recalls With 56% of Australian Marriages ending Some of his coping mechanisms include: very bad drug,” Mr Abbott said, “an un- fondly, indicating a modest length with in divorce, many Aussie kids are left writing out exactly how things between his Australian drug even. And we want less two remaining un-encumbered limbs. feeling confused, stressed and uncertain parents transpired fifty times in a journal, kids on drugs and less kids in class, and when their parents split. drawing beautiful, accurate pictures of his only Healthy Harold can achieve that.” “It’s prehistoric really, people being terrified mum and his dad’s in a book given to him of snakes, but the word’s getting out, and as Some might feel lost in the wake of family by a marriage counsellor. But this appointment has not been the collective fondness for big reptiles grows, trauma, but 11-year-old Simon Kingston universally popular, with Opposition I think those attitudes belong to a shrinking is an exception. He has become an Kingston wants people to recognise Leader Bill Shorten labelling Mr Abbott proportion of the population,” claims a inspiration to divorced parents of identical that experiences like divorce can be an out of touch. “Kids don’t really like Healthy shrinking proportion of Mr. Alexander. circumstances to his own divorced parents opportunity. “A lot of people think that, Harold,” Mr Shorten zinged, “he’s almost and children from scenarios literally coming out of a divorce, you’re not going considered as uncool as Tony Abbott.” Predatory animals as pets often display identical to his own alike, saying he has to gain anything. That it’s a sum loss,” he behaviour that can be interpreted as gained a profound understanding of what said, “not so, I discovered. Throughout Mr Abbott strenuously denied Mr aggressive or playful, says Taronga Zoo. the divorce of his parents (and only the the divorce of my parents, I learned an Shorten’s claims, saying his daughters divorce of his parents) really means. enormous amount about how, say, my told him they enjoyed Mr Harold’s “It’s the sort of thing that is readily parents might go through a divorce, and presentations growing up. “And they misconstrued by people who haven’t spent “I never really understood the divorce of how I would cope with my parents going wouldn’t lie to me because I’m a cool dad.” a long time with reptiles. I understand the my parents until my parents had a divorce.” through a divorce.” fear that something might go wrong, or Kingston commented. ‘It started with my Mr Harold is expected to that someone might be bitten, but I just dad telling me I better understand the “If my parents were ever to remarry and disproportionately target working-class call them love bites,” chuckles Charles, divorce.’ then to have a divorce again, I would be areas and rapidly boost incarceration rates “The occasional nip on the leg”. a stronger person throughout”, a hopeful among minority groups. Since 2013 Kingston has been sharing his Kingston says. Mr Alexander’s legs were unavailable for divorce strategies with the entire country. comment.

WORLD’S YOUNGEST PERSON BORN Commentators around the world have record that would remain untouchable for more old than Bennett Sheldon who was The day’s births were a reminder of the been blown away by a series of successively years to come. ultimately outclassed by Peter Walsh. cut-throat competition for the title of broken records in Stockholm overnight. world’s youngest person. The Garter can It was not so! Within seconds, Sophia The staggering result was bested in report that all aforesaid competitors have The record for world’s youngest person, Roberts shattered the record - only to shocking haste by Patrick Morrow, who resumed training to be the youngest. which had previously been held by a then be outborn by Sam Langford, who was rendered old by newborn Emma South Korean girl, was outclassed with was subsequently outborn by William Balfour, who was then a bit older than the birth of Tim Asimakis, whose Edwards, who then aged to be older twins Mary Ward and Victoria Zerbst. G dizzying 0 seconds of age looked like a than Aidan Mollins, who quickly got

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