Presents Monty Python’s Spamalot (The Musical) Audition Information Auditions are
Saturday July 13th 9:00 AM – 5:00 PM Sunday July 14th 12:00 PM – 5:00 PM Call Backs are Monday July 15th 7:00PM – 10:00PM (if needed) Auditions open to Actors/Singers/Dancers 18 years and older
Show dates:
Nov 15, 16, 22, 23, 29, 30 2013 at 8pm Nov 17, 24 & Dec 1 2013 at 2pm
You can sign up online for an audition slot at http://www.mponstage.com/registration/ or e-mail us at [email protected] or Call (609) 882-2292
MP Onstage Inc.
INDEX
1. Introduction 2. Character Info
3. Important Audition Info (Please Read Carefully) 4. Audition Form 5. Conflict Calendar 6. Plot Synopsis 7. Audition Scenes
Auditions for Monty Pythons Spamalot
The Tony Award Winning Musical
Maurer Productions OnStage, the company that brought you the Perry award winning Elton John and Tim Rices AIDA, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, The Drowsy Chaperone and last seasons hit “Avenue Q” is holding open auditions for its upcoming Musical production of Monty Python’s Spamalot on July 13th from 9AM to 5PM and July 14th from 12PM to 5PM.
‘Spamalot’ tells the legendary tale of King Arthur’s quest to find the Holy Grail. However, diverting a bit from the true story, this hilarious musical features such oddities as a line of beautiful dancing girls, a flatulent Frenchmen and killer rabbits. Outside there is plague with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine. Throughout the show Arthur, traveling with his servant Patsy, recruits several knights to accompany him on his quest, including Sir Bedevere, Sir Robin, Sir Lancelot and Sir Galahad. Besides the rabbits and farting Frenchman, they meet such characters as the Lady of the Lake, Prince Herbert, Tim the Enchanter, Not Dead Fred, the Black Knight and the Knights who say Ni.
*Many characters play multiple roles.
This production will be presented at Kelsey Theatre on the West Windsor campus of Mercer County Community College. The show will include 16-20 Actors who will play over 40 roles and will require a dance core of both men and women. The production will be directed by John M. Maurer, Musical Directed by Laurie Gougher, choreographed by Jane Coult .
If you have questions, please contact us at [email protected] Or call 609 882-2292 Auditions: Monty Python’s Spamalot
Date/Time Saturday 07/13/2013 - 9:00am - 5:00pm & Sunday 07/14/2013 - 12:00pm - 5:00pm Call Backs will be Monday 07/15/2013 – 7:00 pm to 10:00pm
Location Mercer County Community College West Windsor Campus Company: Maurer Productions OnStage Inc. Director: John M. Maurer Producer/Finance: Diana Gilman Maurer Music Director: Laurie Gougher Producer/Marketing: Dan Maurer Stage Manager: Diana Maurer Choreographer: Jane Coult Photographer: Rob Gougher Master Carpenter: Jeff Cantor Props: Dottie Farina Costumes: Mark Applegate ROLES AVAILABLE (16- 20 Adults) PRODUCTION NOTE: In keeping with Monty Python tradition, most of the actors in Spamalot will play multiple roles. These roles may not necessarily correspond with the gender or age of the actor/actress.
The ages listed below are stage ages Minimum physical age to audition is 18 years old. KING ARTHUR Male: 30 – 55 BARITONE King of the Britons. Has trouble counting to three. LADY OF THE LAKE Female: 25 - 45 ALTO A Diva. Strong, beautiful, possesses mystical powers. Confident and Alluring SIR ROBIN Male: 25 – 35 BARITONE Called 'Sir Robin the Brave,' but couldn't be more cowardly. Joins the Knights for the singing and dancing. SIR LANCELOT Male: 25 – 35 BARITONE He is fearless to a bloody fault but through a twist of fate, does discover his 'softer side. PATSY Male: 25 – 45 BARITONE King Arthur's servant and horse. Underappreciated but always longing for King Arthur's approval. SIR BEDEVERE Male: 30 – 45 BARITONE The Strangely Flatulent. An inept scholar SIR GALAHAD Male: 25 – 35 TENOR Begins as Dennis, a lower class 'mud gatherer' transforms into the dashing Sir Galahad. PRINCE HERBERT Male: 20 – 35 TENOR The hopeful and frilly prince who loves to sing and pines for his love atop a tower. FEMALE ENSEMBLE (4 – 6) Female: 20 – 30 ALL RANGES Laker Girls, Ladies in Waiting among others. MALE ENSEMBLE (4 – 6) Male: 20 - 30 ALL RANGES Knights of the round table, French people among others. NOTE: The following supporting roles may be doubled by principal actors or played by members of the ensemble: the Historian, Mayor of Mooseville, Not Dead Fred, Brother Maynard, Sir Bors, French Taunters, Knights of Ni, Tim the Enchanter, The Black Knight, Assorted French people, Prince Herbert’s Father, confused guards, etc…
Accents needed in this show: English, French, Scottish, Funny
Important Audition Info (Please Read Carefully)
What You Need to Know for the Audition
1. In order to book an audition appointment, you must register online with our CastMe system by visiting http://www.mponstage.com/registration and following the instructions. Once you have created an account on the CastMe system, you must upload your resume and headshot, as well as any additional information you feel would be appropriate and helpful in the casting process. A series of online video tutorials are available to help you with the registration process.
2. Once you have created an account on the CastMe system, you should log-in to the system and sign up for an audition appointment. If you can’t access the website or if you have any problems signing up, you can call (609) 882-2292 or email us at mailto:[email protected] to schedule an audition time. If all audition slots are full, or you are not available during the posted audition times and you still wish to audition for the show, please call and we will try to set up another time for you to audition. Walks-ins are always welcome and will be seen as time permits, but an appointment is recommended.
3. After registering with CastMe and booking your audition appointment, you must then complete the audition application and conflicts calendar contained in this packet. You must bring your printed copies of your completed application and conflicts calendar, along with a printed copy of your sheet music, to the audition. Also, if you do not upload your headshot (or recent photo) into the CastMe system, a quick snapshot will be taken of you at the audition and put into the system.
4. ACTING… All actors are required to audition with one of the monologues provided. Prepare the one that is closest to the roles you are looking for. Please read using the accent listed for the role. We may ask you to give us your best Scottish and French accent so be prepared. You may be asked to read from any of the monologues or with another person.
5. SINGING… Please prepare an entire up-tempo musical theater song for the audition. Pick a song that best shows off your voice. Additional vocalizing may also be a part of your audition to determine vocal range and harmonizing skills. A pianist will be provided, no recorded accompaniment or a capella auditions are permitted. You must bring a printed copy of the sheet music, even if you are singing a song from the show.
6. DANCING… All Characters in this show are required to dance. All auditioners will be required to learn a short dance number which may include tap. Jazz, tap or character shoes are recommended for the audition. All auditioners are requested to wear comfortable clothes for the dance audition that will allow for movement. NOTE: This show will require a dance corps that does not necessarily need to sing. If you would like to be considered for the dance corps, you should sign up for an audition time in the first hour of each audition day. You will be taught a more difficult dance combination and will be given the option of performing a song/monologue or simply vocalizing with the music director.
7. Actors must arrive at least 10 minutes before the start of their audition time. The audition process may last 30 to 60 minutes. During that time, the actors, whether individually or in a group, will be asked to sing, act, dance and fill out paperwork.
8. If needed, call backs will be on Monday, July 15; 7:00pm – 10:00pm.
9. The read through will be on Wednesday July 24th from 7pm to 10pm. You should expect up to four rehearsals per week, three evenings during the week and one weekend afternoon. Not all actors will be required for all rehearsals. Call sheets will be made available to the cast to tell you which rehearsals you will need to attend. However, all cast members should plan to be available most evenings for the two weeks before the show opens.
10. All cast members are asked to assist with load-in and load-out. Load-in occurs on the Sunday evening (November 10th) before opening night, and load-out occurs after the last Sunday performance (Dec 1st).
11. Please print and bring with you the following 3 pages.
Maurer Productions OnStage Inc. ______www.mponstage.com Do not write on this line The Spamalot Audition Form
PERSONAL
Name:______
Address: ______
Home Phone: ______Work Phone: ______Cell Phone: ______
Email Address #1: ______
Email Address #2: ______
Sex ______Age Range: ______Date of Birth (month & day)______
Height: ______Photo is Attached: Yes No
ROLE
What Role(s) are you Auditioning for?______
______
SKILLS
Voice: (Circle One) Soprano, Alto, Tenor, Baritone, Bass Vocal Range: ______
Years of Formal Voice Study: ______Years of Formal Acting Study: ______Years of Formal Dance Study: ______
How Do You Rate Your Dance Skills: ______
______
Are You Currently Studying Acting, Singing, or Dancing? If so, where/with whom?______
______
Do You Read Music? Yes No Have You Studied an Instrument: Yes No
List Special Skills (e.g. Juggling, magic, unicycle riding, play band instrument etc.): ______
______
______
Background
My Resume is Attached: Yes No (If no resume see below) My Resume is Online: Yes No
My Acting, Singing and Dancing Experience Includes (List Shows, roles, dates, etc.): ______
______
______
______
List All Conflicts on the Following Calendars including holidays July Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 Readthough
August (rehearsal Starts) Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
September Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 - - - - - October Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat - - 1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30 31 - -
Nov Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat - - - - - 1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16 Load In Tech Tech Tech Tech Performance Performance Week Week Week Week 8pm 8pm ------17 18 19 20 21 22 23 Performance Brush Up Performance Performance 2pm 8pm 8pm
24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Performance Thanksgiving Performance Performance 2pm 8pm 8pm
Dec 1 Performance 2pm & Loadout SYNOPSIS: Monty Python’s Spamalot The Musical
Act 1 The play begins with a historian giving a brief overview of medieval England. An idyllic Scandinavian village appears, with gaily dressed Finnish villagers singing and dancing to the "Fisch Schlapping Song." The Historian returns, irritated, and tells them he said "England", not Finland. The villagers disperse and the pastoral forest is immediately replaced by a dreary, dark village with penitent monks in hooded robes chanting Latin prayers and hitting themselves in the face with wooden boards. King Arthur travels the land with his servant Patsy ("King Arthur's Song"), trying to recruit Knights of the Round Table to join him in Camelot and his quest for the Holy Grail. He encounters various strange people, including a pair of sentries who are more interested in debating whether two swallows could successfully carry a coconut than in guarding their castles. Sir Robin and Sir Lancelot meet as they attempt to dispose of the sickly Not Dead Fred ("He Is Not Dead Yet"). They agree to become Knights of the Round Table together.
Meanwhile, Arthur attempts to convince a peasant named Dennis Galahad that he (Arthur) is king of England because the Lady of the Lake gave him Excalibur, the sword given only to the man fit to rule England. However, Dennis and his mother, Mrs. Galahad, are political radicals and deny that any king who has not been elected by the people has any legitimate right to rule over them. To settle the issue, Arthur has the Lady of the Lake and her Laker Girls appear to turn Dennis into a knight ("Come With Me"). Cheered on by the girls ("Laker Girls Cheer"), the Lady of the Lake turns Dennis into Sir Galahad and together, they sing a generic Broadway love song ("The Song That Goes Like This"). Together, with Sir Bedevere and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Show (a knight resembling Don Quixote who promptly apologizes and then leaves), they make up the Knights of the Round Table ("All for One").
The five knights gather in Camelot, a deliberately anachronistic place resembling Las Vegas's Camelot-inspired Excalibur resort, complete with showgirls and oversized dice ("Knights of the Round Table" / "The Song That Goes Like This (Reprise)"). In the midst of their revelry, they are contacted by God (voiced by Eric Idle) who tells them to locate the Holy Grail. Urged on by the Lady of the Lake ("Find Your Grail"), the Knights set off. They are viciously taunted by lewd French soldiers at a castle they come to, and attempt to retaliate by sending them a large wooden rabbit in the style of the Trojan Horse; however, they realize after the fact that it was not as simple as leaving the rabbit and walking away - they were supposed to be inside of it. Defeated, they leave in a hurry when the French begin throwing various barnyard animals - including cows - at them ("Run Away").
Act 2 Sir Robin and his minstrels follow King Arthur and Patsy into a "dark and very expensive forest" where they are separated. King Arthur meets the Knights who say Ni, who demand a shrubbery. King Arthur despairs of finding one, but Patsy cheers him up ("Always Look on the Bright Side of Life") and they find a shrubbery shortly after. The Knights accept it, but next demand that King Arthur put on a musical and bring it to Broadway.
The Black Knight appears but King Arthur more or less defeats him by cutting off both his arms and legs, impaling his still-alive torso on a door, and leaving to find Sir Robin. Sir Robin, after wandering the forest for some time ("Brave Sir Robin"), finds King Arthur and insists that it would be impossible for them to accomplish this next task ("You Won't Succeed on Broadway"). King Arthur and Patsy promptly set off in search of Jews. While the Lady of the Lake laments her lack of stage time ("The Diva's Lament"), Sir Lancelot receives a letter from wha t he assumes is a young damsel in distress. He is a little surprised to find that the damsel is actually an effeminate young man named Herbert ("Where Are You?" / "Here Are You") whose overbearing, music-hating father, the king, is forcing him into an arranged marriage. Lancelot advocates for Herbert after the king returns, and Lancelot is outed as a homosexual in the process ("His Name Is Lancelot").
King Arthur begins to give up hope of ever putting on the Broadway musical and laments that he is alone, e ven though Patsy has been with him the entire time ("I'm All Alone"). The Lady of the Lake appears and tells Arthur that he and the Knights have been in a Broadway musical all along. All that's left is for King Arthur to find the Grail and marry someone. After picking up on some not-too-subtle hints, Arthur decides to marry the Lady of the Lake after he finds the Grail ("Twice In Every Show").
Reunited with his Knights, Arthur meets Tim the Enchanter who warns them of the danger of an evil rabbit. When the rabbit bites a knight's head off, Arthur uses the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch against it, knocking down a nearby hill and revealing that the "evil rabbit" was actually a puppet controlled by a surprised puppeteer. A large stone block showing a combination of letters and numbers is also revealed. After pondering the final clue, Arthur admits that they're "a bit stumped with the clue thing" and asks God to "give them a hand". The grail is "found"; Arthur marries the Lady of the Lake (who reveals that her name is Guinevere); Lancelot marries Herbert; and Sir Robin decides to pursue a career in musical theatre ("Act 2 Finale/ Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (Company Bow)"). SCENES
All actors must audition with one of the monologues below. If there isn’t a monologue for the part you are trying out for, just pick one from below. Some of the parts are Gender Neutral.
Historian : Male/Female (English professor look)
England 932 A.D. A Kingdom divided. To the West the Anglo Saxons, to the East the French. Above nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland. In Gwynned, Powys, and Dyfed - Plague. In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, and Essex and Kent - Plague. In Mercia and the two Anglias - Plague: with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour. Legend tells of an extraordinary leader, who arose from the chaos, to unite a troubled kingdom ... A man with a vision who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest. This man was Arthur, King of the Britons And so, King Arthur gathered more Knights together, bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table. The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere. the dashingly handsome Sir Galahad ...the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot ...Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir- Lancelot ... who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol and who personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries ... The Knights of the Round Table!
Arthur King of the Britons: Male
Hail good sir. I am Arthur king of the Britons lord and ruler of all of England, and Scotland and even tiny little bits of Gaul. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights to join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. (listens) … He is busy?… Good Sir we have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through ... (interrupted) .. What? No I don’t have and appointment… No.. I can’t come back later…Will you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here… No I don’t want to Tweet him you twit… I want to know if he will join my court at Camelot? Never mind. (turning to a person on the ground near him.)You, old woman! Oh sorry.. man, who lives in that castle over … (interrupted) what? Look I did say I was sorry about the 'old woman' thing, but really from behind you do look like ...never mind… look I am your king and I order you … yes King! No.. no one voted for me. As I rode forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake!... No. Not dead. She was ... the Lady of the Lake, She lives in the lake. She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water ... Her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, holding aloft Excalibur (draws sword and holds it aloft) signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your King. It's not just an ordinary sword. How many swords have their own names? …Do you think I could make that up? …. Very well, since you don't believe me, I will prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists. (On his knee) 0 Lady of the Lake, please reveal to this doubting Thomas ...what? ... oh very well please reveal to this doubting “Dennis” that you are real.
French Taunter: Male, (could be played by a women)
'Allo! Who is it, what do you want? This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard! The French bastard. Ho… so you want him to help you find the holy grail? Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see? Oh, yes, it's very nice.(Aside) Hey! I told him we already got one. No… you can not see it…you are English bed-wetting types and I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?...Ohhh, You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs' Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets. I don't want to talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wipers! ... I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time. No there is not one else to speak to, you son of a window-dresser' I wave my private parts at your aunties, you tinybrained wipers of other people's bottoms! I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters. (Blows a raspberry) Thppt! Oh, no. Oh, gee We are so scared. Oh, hey, did I mention before to you ... Thhppt.
Lady of the Lake: Female
But you're not alone Arthur. Haven't you noticed? I've been with you all the time. Who gave you the sword, who made you King, who welcomed you to Camelot, who helped you off on your quest? Sure, I've been off stage for far too long, but I am here to help you and I always have been, and so has Patsy. You see, Arthur dear, we're all here to help each other. To complete your quest you must put on a broadway show and You've been in a “Broadway -Like” show all the time. Now you have to finish the show. It is a musical, so you have to find the Grail and end with a wedding. Oh but who will you marry…. Well, it would have to be someone who loved you and cared for you enough to give you a sword, to make you King, to welcome you to Camelot, to help you off on your quest ... (listening)… What Me?... Oh not I couldn’t….OK!
Sir Lancelot: Male
(enters sword waving, having just killed many of the party guests, he goes down on one knee) Oh fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot, I have come to take you .... away ... and (looks ups and see’s it isn’t a girl) oh ... I'm sorry…I got this note, oh your note… well, yes.. but I hadn’t realized.. I thought you were … well you know. terribly sorry ... (father enters) Oh this is your father, … what.. most of the wedding guest dead.. yes, well I'm very sorry. But I can explain everything ... I didn't really mean to…the thing is ... I thought your son ... was a lady. What? quite understandable? Well that isn’t a very nice thing to say about your own son. I mean it really wasn’t his fault. Please sir leave him alone! This poor little chap is your son, sir. All he ever wanted was a little love and affection, but did you ever give it to him? No, no ... (Becoming emotional) ... I'll wager you denied him. You try to kill him, and worse, far worse, you try to marry him off to some girl, some female that he obviously has no feelings for whatsoever. Yes, yes I know a little bit about bullying fathers you bastard. Have you no heart? Have you no human tenderness? Can't you see that all he's asking for is a little love and understanding? (Almost overcome) Is that too much to ask? Is it? Too Much! To Ask!
Brother Maynard: Male (could be played by a women)
The Book of Armaments, Chapter One, Verses Nine through twentyseven. ''And Saint Attila raised the holy hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats. And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. ' Amen. And now the Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101: "Get Your Hand Off My Knee, You Dirty Old Bastard.''
Tim The Enchanter: Male, (could be played by a women) Heavy Scottish accent
Greetings' King Arthur! Yes I know your name I am an enchanter… there are some who call me…. Tim. You seek the Holy Grail. Only the bravest will find it.. Below me ... lies the cave of Caerbannog, wherein carved upon the very living rock, there be a clue which shall lead ye directly to your goal. But think well before you step into this cave, for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul, so cruel, no man yet has fought this evil beast and lived. So be you warned brave knights, for death awaits you all with nasty great big pointy teeth' (demonstrates nasty pointy teeth). Wait' Too late' There it is! Cringe you mortals at the site of …. No.. no not behind the rabbit… It is the Rabbit!.... Look this is no ordinary rabbit. This is the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. He won’t just nibble your bum! This rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide. It's a killer! It'll do you up a treat, mate! Look, I'm warning you! (Watching the rabbit carnage) Not so brave now are you? I warned you. Oh, but, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always tell them but they never, ever, ever listen. (exits)
The following monologues are not from Spamalot but are from other Monty Python projects and follow the same style. If none of the monologues above fit the part you are looking for you may also use any of these to audition with.
DEAD PARROT SKETCH : Male/Female (English accent)
Now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'Alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk. (beat) PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home? (beat) 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir in the vestibule!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
EXECUTIVE INTRO: Male/Female (English accent)
Announcer: Congratulations on buying the executive version of this record. You have chosen wisely and we value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality. Everything on this record has been designed to meet the exacting standards which you have naturally come to expect. The record itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl. The center hole has been created to fit exactly onto your spindle with all the precision of finest Swiss craftsmanship. The audio content has been quality graded to give you the finest in listening pleasure. There is little or no offensive material apart from four cunts, one clitoris, and a foreskin. And as they only occur in this opening introduction, you're past them now. You can relax and enjoy this quality product, secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created for the lover of fine things and the man of good taste. (He farts or belches loudly.) Oh! Sorry! You can edit that out, can't you?
FILM PREMIER: Male/Female (English accent)
Announcer: Hello, and welcome to Old Compton Street, it's a mild night here, warm for early April, and a large crowd has gathered outside to watch this great gala night for the stars. The cars are arriving quite fast now, here's a beautiful Rolls Royce Silver Corniche, all white, sliding gracefully up to the doors of the cinema. Commissioner Alf Venables, ex-father of Terry, steps forward, opens the door, and out steps a radiant Miss Taylor herself, looking absolutely stunning and off the shoulder organza and silk dress, and next comes Burt Reynolds in a huge red Ferrari sports car and... My God! Burt Reynolds has run into the back of the Corniche and Miss Taylor turns and makes a splendid gesture (car screeching) Great heavens! It's Steve McQueen whose 18-gear Daytona special has somersaulted through the air and plowed into the back bumper of --- And who's this coming through the windscreen of the Mini...yes, it's lovely star Barbara Streisand flying through the air in a beautiful Bill Gibb creation...and she's landed half on Roger Moore, looking quite well, and half on Jack Nicholson, who's not so well, and who's that under the back wheel? It's..yes! It's Faye Dunaway! No, no...it's Victor Mature, in the blazing chaos--- Yes, all the stars are here tonight...that's Joan Crawford squashed in between the bonnet, Pete Murray and the box office door...and Shirley Temple battered out of all definition...
THE MONEY PROGRAM: Male/Female (English accent)
Announcer: Good evening and welcome to 'The Money Programme'. Tonight on 'The Money Programme', we're going to look at money. Lots of it. On film, and in the studio. Some of it in nice piles, others in lovely clanky bits of loose change, some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds, (starting to get excited) delicate fivers stuffed into bulging wallets, nice crisp clean checks, pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into trouser pockets, romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity, (getting carried away) beautiful wayward curly-cued banknotes, filigree copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbling hexagonal milled edges, rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books (collects himself) I'm sorry. But I love money. All money. I've always wanted money.(getting worked up again) To handle. To touch. The smell of the rain-washed florin. The lure of the lira. (standing on the desk) The glitter and the glory of the guinea. The romance of the rouble. The feel of the franc, the heel of the Deutschmark. The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc, and the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar.