The Taming of the Shrew (as retold by a bunch of madmen)

Characters: 1. * Petruchio (Treasure-seeking adventurer, Katherina's husband) (39) 2. * Baptista Minola (Wealthy merchant of Padua) (20) 3. * Katherina (Minola's firey elder daughter) (26) 4. * Gremio (Bianca's elder suitor) (18) 5. * Hortensio (Biancas younger suitor) (26) 6. Lucentio (a young scholar, son of a rich father) (8) 7. Bianca (Minola's gentle younger daughter) (5) 8. Servant #1 (5) 9. Servant #2 (1) 10. Hortensio's Wife (1) 11. Priest (5) 12. Narrator (2)

* (Main parts)

Scene 1: Crash! Pow! Bam! Doors slammed, glass vases shattered against the fire place, chairs were flung against the wall, or hurled out the window. There were screams of panic and fear and racing footsteps from those trying to get out the way, or those running to stop the uproar. [Pantomime and/or write dialog between Katherina and Bianca]

Narrator: It was all just another day in the family home of Baptista Minola, a rich merchant in the beautiful Italian city of Padua. Señor Baptista Minola had two daughters, there was the beautiful, peaceful, sweet-natured younger daughter, Bianca, whom anyone would be delighted to have for a daughter. But then there was Bianca's older sister, Katherina. She had the temper of a wild animal, a shrew in fact.

Narrator: Both young women were now old enough to marry. Gentle Bianca had men lining up to marry her. But despite a rumor that their father would pay a lot of money to any man who would marry her, one temper tantrum from Katherina was enough to scare off any man. And Baptista Minola had set a rule: No one would marry Bianca until first the fierce Katherina was wed.

[Lucentio standing in a doorway, talking to himself.]

Lucentio: Breath in the knowledge of the great thinkers of this place, Lucentio. Study virtue and how to do good deeds in the world.

[Minola, Katherina and Bianca are walking down the street]

[Hortensio approaches Minola]

Hortensio: Good afternoon, Señor Minola. I have wished to have a word with you.

1 Minola: Good afternoon, Señor Hortensio. How are you?

Hortensio: It's about your daughter, Bianca.

Minola: [Gets a stern look on his face] You know my mind on this. [Keeps walking, Hortensio follows]

[Gremio approaches Minola]

Gremio: Good afternoon Señor Minola. How fortunate to find you this after noon! I have a proposition...

Minola: Enough, Gentlemen! You know my mind, that is not to give away my youngest daughter before I have a husband for the elder. Either of you have the permission to court the Katherina.

Gremio: To cart her, you mean!, said the first of the suitors, rich old Gremio. She ought to be carted away! She's too rough for me. But you, Hortensio,, and he turned to the other, younger man who wished to marry Bianca. Would you take Katherina?

Katherina: Sir, would you bargain me away to whichever of these fools wanted me?

[Katherina glares at Hortensio, Hortensio moves so that Señor Minola is between him and Katherina.]

Hortensio: Señor, why should you shut Bianca away from the world to pay the price for her sisters rude tongue. Why not let her marry?

Minola: And since I know she most loves music and poetry, if you gentlemen know of any music masters, or scholars, whom I might engage to instruct her, please send them to me for Bianca, and...for Katherina also. I would look upon it with great favor. And Señor Minola and his daughter's went into their house.

[Hortensio and Gremio turn to each other]

Hortensio: Gremio, there must be a man somewhere, if we could find him, would take Katherina with all her faults--and all the money her father would give to have her wed away.

Gremio: I'd rather be horse-whipped!

Hortensio: And I. Let us find such a man who will take Katherina as his wife and remove her from our way. Then you and I will be fair rivals again. Done?

Gremio: Done! [shake hands]

[all exit]

2 Scene 2:

Lucentio: I perish if I don't have this modest girl as mine. I saw sweet beauty in her face. But how can I reach her when her father guards her so closely.

Lucentio: Wait, I have it: Her father looked to get her some excellent teachers. Well I am a scholar, I shall assume the role of school-master and teach Bianca! Teach her they ways of my love, that is.

And off he went to find old Gremio.

Scene 3:

[In Hortensio's house, later in the night. Petruchio knocks on the door. Hortensio answers and Petruchio enters.]

Hortensio: Good Evening, Petruchio! How long has it been since I last saw you? Come in and have dinner with me.

Petruchio: Thank you!

[They sit around the dinner table drinking wine]

Hortensio: Petruchio, my good, good friend. Let us speak frankly, I know you are always in need of gold. What if, once and for all, you could all the gold you needed?

[Petruchio sits up]

Petruchio: Tell me more, Hortensio.

Hortensio: I know a woman...

Petruchio: A woman?

Hortensio: Petruchio, shall I be straight with you and say she has the temper of a shrew? And yet I promise you she shall be rich. No, very rich. But you're too much my friend. I would not wish her on you.

Petruchio: [Condense this...?] Nay, Hortensio, between such friends as we, few words are needed. If there's one rich enough to be my wife—since wealth is the reason for my wedding dance—may she be as old as wine dusted with age, as wrinkled as some ancient scroll or page, as ruckus storms on the Adriatic sea—If she is rich, it's all the same to me. I've come to live wealthily in Padua. If wealthy, then happily, in Padua.

3 Scene 4:

[The next day, Petruchio and Hortensio head to Minola's house, and run into Gremio and Lucentio]

Gremio: Good morning, Señor Hortensio.

Hortensio: Good day, Señor Gremio. Let me introduce to you the answer to our troubles. Petruchio, who comes to woo fair Kate.

Gremio, who was terrified of Katherina looked wide eyed and asked

Gremio: Err, did you tell him?

Hortensio: Everything.

Gremio: [To Petruchio] But will you woo this wild cat?

Petrucio: That I will.

Gremio: But look, I too bring a present of sorts for the home of Señor Minola.

[Motions to Lucentio]

Gremio: This is a scholar, newly arrived in our fair city. Coincidently, he introduced himself to me when he was most needed. He shall tutor my Bianca.

Scene 5:

Katherina had cornered her sister Bianca and caught her by the wrists.

Katherina: Confess, Bianca. Of all your suitors, whom do you love? Don't lie to me, or I'll know it, and you'll be sorry.

Bianca: Believe me sister, of all men alive, I never yet beheld that special face which I could this love more than any other.

Katherina did not believe her.

Katherina: You lie! Is it Hortensio, or Gremio?

Bianca: If you want either one, then you may have him. I'll even plead for you on your behalf.

Katherina: Now I see why you love music! You play in any key yourself. Don't you see what they're doing to us?

But Bianca didn't understand. And in her frustration with the one person she desperately wanted as an ally, Katherina slapped Bianca.

4 Just then, in came their father.

Minola: Stop! Why did you do this to Bianca who has never wronged you!? When did she ever say a bitter word to you?

Katherina: It's her silence that maddens me!

And out she ran slamming the door behind her. The noise was followed instantly by a knocking on the front door.

[Minola opens front door]

Minola: Señor Gremio, Señor Hortensio. But who are these gentlemen?

Gremio: I'd like you to meet Lucentio, a scholar from Pisa. He would make a fine tutor for Bianca in music and mathematics.

Lucentio: I am honored to meet you, Señor Minola.

Minola: Lucentio, I am pleased to meet you. You may take your books and find Bianca out in the garden. And Gremio, thank you for bringing Lucentio.

Petruchio: Good Morning, Sir. Have you not a daughter called Katherina? Fair and virtuous.

Minola: I have a daughter, Sir, called Katherina.

Petruchio: Please introduce me to her!

Minola: Certainly, I will call her.

[Calls Katherina, she enters, he exits]

Petruchio: Good morning Kate. For that's your name, I hear.

Katherina: They call me Katherine that speak of me.

Petruchio: You lie, you lie! For you are called Plain Kate, or Bonny Kate, and sometimes Kate the Cursed.

Katherina: Well, you heard wrong or you're hard of hearing.

She turned on him with anger in her eye, but he rushed on.

Petruchio: But Kate, the prettiest Kate in all the world. Hearing your mildness praised in every town, your virtues told, your beauty so acclaimed. Yet, clearly not as well as you deserved. I am moved to woo you for my wife.

Katherina: Moved? Moved? Whatever moved you here, let it remove you!

5 Petruchio: Thank you for that pretty compliment. Now come sit on my lap.

[Katherina slaps him]

Petruchio: Come, come, you wasp. You are too angry.

Katherina: If I be waspish, best beware of my sting!

Petruchio: The way to handle a wasp is to give it a swat.

Katherina: You wouldn't dare! Get out!

Petruchio: What? So soon? Good Kate, I am a gentleman.

Katherina: We'll see about that! [she slaps Petruchio]

Petruchio: If you strike me again, then I shall strike back.

Katherina: If you do strike me you're not a gentlemen.

Petruchio: Kate, you must not look so sour.

Katherina: It is my fashion when I see a crab.

Petruchio: Why here is no crab. So wipe that sour look off your face!

Petruchio: Now by St. George. I am too young for you!

Katherina: Too young?! Then why are you so wrinkled?

Petruchio: I'm wrinkled with worries.

Katherina: I care not.

Katherina attempts to leave, Petruchio grabs her and they begin to wrestle

Minola sticks his head into the room, being careful to keep his distance from her.

Petruchio: We've struck it off at once! I tell you sir, with me she has been modest as a dove. So to conclude, we have agreed together that Sunday is our wedding day.

Katherina: I see you hanged on Sunday first!

Petruchio: We agreed between us that she would continue this temperamental image in front of others. Although with me it's been all kisses and words of love. Give me your hand, sweet Kate, and let's go talk.

And squeezing her hand so tightly she couldn't get away, he drew her quickly from the room.

6 Minola walks out to the street to announce the wedding.

Minola: Gentlemen, I am announcing that next Sunday my daughter Katherina is to be married!

Doubly glad for Bianca's suitors. For old Gremio was now finding his scholar a little too attached to Bianca—and she to him.

Scene 6:

[Petruchio finally enters church]

Petruchio: Where is my Kate, my lovely bride!? How are you father? [slaps Minola on the back] What's the matter? Why is everyone staring at me?

Minola: Why Sir! You know that this is your wedding day?

Gremio: Do not marry your bride in those shameful clothes! Go to my chamber for new clothes.

Petruchio: I'll marry as I am. Is she marrying me or my clothes?

Priest: [Cough] Let the bride and groom come forward.

[Petruchio grabs Katherina and stomps down the aisle]

Priest: [Mumbles marriage vow] Do you take the man in sickness and in health, in poverty and wealth...

Petruchio: [interrupts] Hurry up!

Priest: Do you take this woman to love and cherish till death do you part.

Petruchio: Yeah yeah yeah...

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife.

[Marriage finishes, Petruchio drags Katherina away]

Hortensio: At least she is wed!

Gremio: If only to a man more mad than she!

[Banquet scene.]

Petruchio: Gentlemen and friends, I know you expect to dine with me today, but my haste calls me home.

Minola: Is it possible you mean to leave now!? Let me beg you to stay!

7 Petruchio: Father, it cannot be.

Katherina: Then let me beg you to stay. Let me beg you.

Petruchio: I am content.

Katherina: Then are you content to stay?

Petruchio: No, but I am content you begged me. We must be off.

Katherina and Petruchio ride off on stick horses.

Scene 7:

Servant #1: Here they come, and we have not prepared the welcome feast yet!

Servant #2: Why are they so early, we expected them tomorrow!

[Servants exit (bang pots, etc). Petruchio and Katherina enter, servants quickly unceremoniously drop plates of old, cold, leftovers on the table.]

Petruchio: [shouts] This food is unacceptable, take it away!

Katherina: But I'm hungry.

Petruchio: No, no, this food is not fit for my bride. We will eat tomorrow.

Katherina flops down on bed. Petruchio throws her off the bed and rips it apart.

Katherina: But I'm tired!

Petruchio: This bed is not good enough for you.

[Exit.]

[Katherina walks back on stage]

Katherina: Did he marry me to starve me? Beggers that come to my fathers door get more to eat than I have!

Servant #1: What say you to pigs feet?

Katherina: Get me some!

[Petruchio enters]

Petruchio: No, no, no, pigs feet are not for you. I have this lovely platter of food for you. I also have good news, we shall return to your fathers house after you have selected your gown and jewelry.

8 [Servants bring in trunks of gowns and jewelery. Pantomime holding up gowns that Katherina loves and Petruchio tears apart. Finally, they ride of on their horses.]

Scene 8:

And as they made their way towards Padua, everything was bubbling over in that city. For that very day, the scholar Lucentio had convinced Bianca to elope before her father could force her to marry someone else.

In the street:

Minola: I haven't seen my daughter Bianca for two days, nor that false scholar Lucentio! Has anyone seen them?

Gremio: I haven't seen them. Scholar, humph. What kind of teacher is he?

Hortensio: [very upset, whimpers] Where could they be? Perhaps they have gone to Lucentios rich father in Pisa.

[Katherina and Petruchio enter.]

Katherina: What is all the fuss about?

Minola: Katherina, I'm so happy to see you! How are you?

Katherina: I'm starving and tired.

Gremio: Have you seen your dear sister?

Katherina: No what has happened?

Hortensio: Might she have run off with that good for nothing scholar Lucentio?

[Lucentio and Bianca enter.]

Minola: Bianca, dear daughter! Where have you been?

Lucentio and Bianca fall to their knees in front of Minola.

Lucentio: Dear father...

Minola: [confused]

Bianca: Dear father, please listen to us.

Lucentio: Señor Minola, I ask you for your daughter's hand in marriage.

Gremio: You promised me a week ago that I would be wed to Bianca!

9 Hortensio: He said the same to me. I know a rich widow [stomps off].

Bianca: Father, Lucentio is the most wonderful, intelligent, hard-working scholar. His father as you know is very wealthy and I love him. Please let us marry!

Minola: Bianca, you may marry as you wish.

Scene 9:

Minola: Welcome, friends. Let us feast to celebrate the marriages of my daughters and of our great friend Hortensio!

[Everyone eats for short while, then the women leave stage]

Hortenstio: Well Lucentio and I are happily wed. And you, Petruchio, how has married life been for you, married to Katherina [laughter].

Minola: In truth my son Petruchio, I think you have for a wife the most difficult woman alive.

Petruchio: Well I say no sir, and I'll prove it. Let each of us new husbands send for his wife and she who comes first, her husband will win whatever we wager.

Hortensio: Good, what's the wager?

Lucentio: 100 crowns

Everybody: [gasps]

Hortensio: [to servant] Bid my gentle wife come to me.

[Servant exits and returns]

Servant: Sir, she is busy and cannot come.

Hortensio: Go and find my wife and beg her to come.

Petruchio: Beg? That is not good.

[Servant exits and returns]

Hortensio: What does my wife say? She is coming, is she not?

Servant: Sir, she says...

Hortensio: Out with it man, out with it!

Servant: She will not come.

10 Petruchio: Worse and worse. Go to my wife and command her to come at once.

[Servant exits]

Minola: Command Katherina? She will not come.

Petruchio: If not that is my bad fortune.

Hortensio: Look, here comes the servant back!

[Servant, all women enter with Katherina]

Petruchio: See, her she comes bringing your thoughtless wives.

Petruchio: Katherina, that hat does not look good on you! Take it off and throw it down at once!

Hortensio's Wife: Goodness, let me never have a husband that silly.

Bianca: What a foolish duty this is.

Lucentio: I wish your duty was foolish my dear. The wisdom of your duty has cost me 100 crowns since supper time!

Katherina: [Looking at wives] There, there, don't frown, it blots thy beauty. Thy husband loves and cares for thee, he wants no reward but your love and attention.

Minola: I can hardly believe my eyes!

Petruchio: Come Kate and say good night. We too are married. But you all [looking at the others] are enslaved! Twas I who won the wager (grabs $$) and you who lost the fight!

Hortensio: Sleep well Petruchio for you have tamed the shrew!

11