W W W . N T H Z I N E . C
1M3 ay 2005
MEMORIES C.J. Henderson
LIFEMEMORY Johnny Eponymous
THE NEW SEMESTER SCHEDULE Allen Coyle
WORDS TO LIVE BY Sheryl Nantus
FRIENDS AND FOOD Sandy Parsons
Plus… POETRY COMICS FILK
And… CONVENTIONS REVIEWS CELEB TEN DEAR CTHULHU
www.nthzine.com
May 2005, Issue #13
C ONTENT S FEATURES The Editor’s Rant by Michael D. Pederson ...... 2 Conventions ...... 4 Spine Bender by Michael D. Pederson ...... 8 Celeb Ten: David Franklin by Ron McClung ...... 12 The Gaming Closet by Ron McClung ...... 14 Comics ...... 44 Dear Cthulhu by Patrick Thomas ...... 47
FICTION Memories by C.J. Henderson ...... 16 LifeMemory by Johnny Eponymous ...... 26 The New Semester Schedule by Allen Coyle ...... 28 Words To Live By by Sheryl Nantus ...... 36 Friends and Food by Sandy Parsons ...... 40
POETRY /F ILK River of Eyes Going Nowhere by Joey Froehlich ...... 38 Bob Goes to Alpha-Centauri by Joey Froehlich ...... 38 Zombie Love Blues (The Re-Animation) by Mike Allen ...... 38 The Venusians vs. Venice by Jennifer Mercer ...... 42 A Stable Connection by R. Cleaves ...... 48
Cover and title illustrations for “Memories” by Billy Tackett
Nth Degree is a free, quarterly semi-pro fanzine. We encourage you to submit your manuscripts, illustrations, or photographs, but cannot guarantee the return of any unsolicited materials. All contributors retain individual rights to their contributions. Six-issue subscriptions are available by sending $18 to: Nth Degree ; 8600 Queensmere Place #2; Richmond, VA 23294; 804-270-0384; email [email protected]. Back issues are available for $3 each. Nth Degree #13 is ™ and © by Big Blind Productions, May 2005. Printed by Capitol Color Printing; Fredericksburg, VA, www.capitolcolor.com. May 2005 1 the editor’s STAFF PUBLISHER /E DITOR Michael D. Pederson Rant ASSOCIATE EDITOR Michael D. Pederson, Publisher/Editor Robert Balder
STAFF ARTIST What does it mean to be a semiprozine? According to the Constitution of the J. Andrew World World Science Fiction Society, a semiprozine must meet at least two of the following criteria: GRAPHIC DESIGN 1) have an average press run of at least one thousand copies per issue; 2) pay its contributors and/or Michael D. Pederson staff in other than copies of the publication; 3) provide at least half the income of any one person;
4) have at least fifteen percent of its total space occupied by advertising; 5) announce itself to be a WITH THANKS TO semiprozine. Nth Degree meets criteria numbers 1, 4 and 5, so we are technically a semiprozine. Brandon Blackmoor But what does that mean? Alan Beck That’s a question that I frequently ask myself. Particularly in regards to how I handle my Susan Blackmoor Rants. In a professional magazine, the editorial is a forum for the editor to pontificate on issues Erik Cotton that are important to him/her and might spark reader interest. In a traditional fanzine, the edi - C.J. Henderson torial tends to be more of an open letter from the editor to his/her friends and readers, usually Lloyd Montgomery filling them in on what he/she has been up to lately. I generally try to take a middle ground— Tee Morris whimsical updates on how the zine is doing or mildly amusing opinions on things that I notice Krisi Pederson going on in fandom. James S. Reichert Like a professional publication, I have thousands of readers that I’ve never met and probably Tony Ruggiero never will. Like a fan publication, I have hundreds of readers that I have met and partied with Bob Snare and gotten to know pretty well. Billy Tackett So, how to handle personal news? For those of you who consider this to be more of a pro - Cate Twohill fessional publication, look away. For the rest of you, let me fill you in on what’s been going on Patrick Vanner in the Old Dominion for the last few months. In November, Cate and I decided to separate and will be getting a divorce. It was a reason - BIG BLIND PRODUCTIONS , I NC . ably amicable breakup and she may still occasionally contribute to the zine. She probably won’t 8600 Queensmere Place #2 be attending any more conventions though. Richmond, VA 23294 In January, I moved back to Richmond. I lived here for sixteen years before moving in with 804-270-0384 Cate and I am very happy to be back. However, it is just a temporary move while I look for a job (anyone looking to hire a magazine editor?) and a new house. That means that there will be Send $18.00 to the yet another move in my near future. You can check out my Rant way back in Issue #4 for my above address to receive feelings on moving. I haven’t grown any fonder of it in the past two years. a 6-issue subscription. In March, we sold the house in Stafford. I miss it already, although I couldn’t be happier about Back issues are available being out of Stafford. We were far too close to the traffic nightmares of Northern Virginia for my for $3 each. tastes. And there were no good Thai restaurants nearby. Which brings me to the present. All of this personal business has made me adjust the Nth Degree schedule for the zine a bit. Normally we’d have an issue out in March, another out in May is a quarterly and then the next one in September. Instead, I’ll put one out in April and then adjust the rest semi-pro fanzine. of the year accordingly. Thanks to everyone for their support and patience. www.nthzine.com
2 Nth Degree May 2005 3 C ONVENTIONS
Philcon 2004 CONVENTION December 10-12 Philadelphia, PA S CHEDULE http://www.philcon.org/2004/ M AY -J ULY Until recently, Philcon’s attendance ranged from 1,000 to 2,000 paid attendees. A few years ago Philcon moved its location and May 6-8 LepreCon date, and seems to be suffering from being too close to Carefree, AZ Christmas. Last year attendance dropped to just over 1,000 paid www.leprecon.org/lep31 memberships. It is my understanding that this year attendance May 13-15 Motor City Comic Con dropped again, to between 700 and 800 paid memberships. It is Novi, MI my hope that the con committee has taken note and will be taking steps to remedy this. www.motorcityconventions.com/motor_city_comic_con/ Despite the drop in numbers, those in attendance still had a wonderful time. This year, the Artist May 21 Maryland Faerie Festival Guest of Honor was Joe Devito. The scheduled Writer GoH, Brian Aldiss, was unable to attend due Upper Marlboro, MD to health problems, but the con was able to book Pamela Sargent and George Zebrowski in his place. www.marylandfaeriefestival.org As every year, the merry Nth Degree Crew was in attendance as well, running a table in the Dealer’s May 27-29 Oasis Room and dispensing the much-sought-after glow-in-the-dark drink cup at their room party. Orlando, FL The venue—the Marriott Center City Hotel—is worthy of mention. Philcon obtained this www.oasfis.org venue when they hosted the World Science Fiction Convention in 2001. It is a four-star hotel in the May 27-29 Conquest heart of Philadelphia and is a beautiful facility. My family had reserved two rooms, but found when Kansas City, MO we arrived that the hotel had mistakenly given away one of our rooms. They promptly upgraded our www.kcsciencefiction.org/con36.htm reservations to two adjoining suites at the Marriott Concierge Deluxe Hotel next door, at no extra May 27-29 Conduit charge. The staff at this hotel is nothing if not professional and discrete. With no fuss, we spent the Salt Lake City, UT weekend in rooms that were easily double the size of the standard room at the con hotel. http://conduit.sfcon.org/CONduit/ As in previous years, Philcon had enough activities to satisfy just about anyone. There was an May 27-29 Marcon Art Show with auction, along with a full weekend of panels discussing various aspects of artistic Columbus, OH endeavors; a Dealer’s Room with dozens of merchants; a Masquerade competition; a gaming room www.marcon.org with competitions running around-the-clock; an anime room with showings running from late May 27-30 BayCon Friday until late Sunday; a movie room with a similar schedule; Filk performances; readings by var - San Jose, CA ious authors; and of course, seven or eight panel discussions running simultaneously on such topics www.baycon.org as graphic novels, sex toys of the future, the business of writing, space exploration and Internet May 27-30 MediaWest*Con fraud. In addition, the con committee added a new activity, a networked computer gaming room Lansing, MI separate from the main gaming room, running such popular games as Unreal Tournament and www.mediawestcon.org 1942. And, of course, they had the Philcon Writers Workshop, my favorite activity each year. May 27-30 Balticon This year Philcon was different for me. In the past, my family and I scattered once we arrived. Baltimore, MD My son and I would help with the Art Show set-up (and earn our badges for the next year), while www.balticon.org my wife and daughter took advantage of the wonderful shopping to be found in Center City. My June 3-5 ConCarolinas son would then focus his time on gaming and anime, my daughter on anime and shopping, my Charlotte, NC wife on shopping and jewelry design, and me on various panels on writing with some videos thrown www.secfi.org/concarolinas/ in when I could find time. But the past year has seen changes and growth in my writing career, and June 10-12 DucKon Philcon marked the release of a collection of my short stories published by Big Blind Productions. Naperville, IL This was a happy occasion, allowing me the unique experience of spending most of my weekend www.duckon.org autographing my chapbook for purchasers. Is this really how authors spend their time at cons? June 17-19 Anime Mid-Atlantic The rest of my time on Saturday was spent at the Writers Workshops, where my story and nine Richmond, VA others received the close, critical attentions of editors George Scithers and Darryl Schweitzer, and pro - www.animemidatlantic.com
4 Nth Degree fessional writers Carl Frederick, P.D. Cacek and Roman Ranieri. I’m happy to report that my story CONVENTION received mostly positive comments. Still, I had the chilly experience of watching as Hugo and Nebula award-winning editor George Scithers, in his kindest and most sincere tones, advised several authors, S CHEDULE “This is a bad story! Don’t do it again. Now that it’s out of your system, go write something better.” Sadly, I had to pass on my annual visit to the Masquerade, but I understand it was well J ULY -A UG attended with thirteen entrants displaying their works. The weekend ended with the Art Show auction, where we won a half-dozen items ranging July 1-3 Convergence from a limited-edition print to fantasy-themed Christmas balls for our tree. When we were ready Bloomington, MN to go, the hotel staff literally whisked our bags from our rooms to our car with a minimum of fuss, www.convergence-con.org and we were on the road home, tired but well pleased with our weekend. We already have our July 1-4 Gaylaxicon memberships for next year, and I can heartily recommend that you consider doing the same. JSR Cambridge, MA www.gaylaxians.org/gaylaxicon2005 MarsCon 2005 July 8-10 Readercon January 21-23 Burlington, MA www.readercon.org Williamsburg, VA http://www.marscon.net/ July 8-10 Shore Leave I’ve been attending MarsCon for a long time now and, frankly, Hunt Valley, MD www.shore-leave.com have begun to feel that I’m only attending out of loyalty (they were the first con to have me as a guest way back when). This July 14-17 San Diego Comic Con year though, they made some sweeping changes that have gone San Diego, CA www.comic-con.org a long way to revitalizing this little ol’ relaxacon. But before I get to the good, I’m sorry to say that there was a lot of bad mojo this year—all of it July 15-17 Confluence completely out of the con’s control. First off there was Arisia’s decision to change their date to the same Pittsburgh, PA www.parsec-sff.org/confluence weekend as MarsCon. I’m sure that there weren’t many central Virginia fans that changed their plans because of the earlier Boston con but I know that there were a handful of pros that skipped MarsCon July 15-17 Trinoc*CoN for Arisia. Then there was the inclement weather. A mix of ice and snow that stretched from North Durham, NC www.trinoc-con.org Carolina to New England kept a lot of people home that weekend. Worst of all though was the hotel’s last-minute cancellation of the con’s room block. One month before MarsCon, it was announced that July 15-17 Toronto Trek the hotel was needed as barracks for troops that were preparing to be sent overseas. All of the conven - Toronto, Ontario www.tcon.ca tion space was still usable but room reservations were moved to a Super 8 half a mile away. But despite all of the problems, this was the most enjoyable MarsCon in years. Not being July 15-18 Conestoga able to crawl back to your room to take a break made it look like a very active con (even though Tulsa, OK www.sftulsa.org attendance was down to 300 from it’s usual 500). Plus, there was a lot more to do this year. MarsCon’s old “fans are just here to relax” policy has given way to a new “let’s keep them enter - July 29-31 LibertyCon tained” policy. As in the past, they favor interactive workshops over panels and lectures and added Chattanooga, TN www.libertycon.org some new ones. This year’s workshops included Mendhi, doll making, writing, poetry, art, pho - tography, armor crafting, filking, makeup, salsa dancing and swing dancing. July 29-31 Gamefest Milwaukee One of the best changes to MarsCon this year was the addition of Coyote Run, a local Celtic Milwaukee, WI www.gamefestseries.com band. For two hours people forgot the sleet coming down outside and boogied in the aisles of a packed ballroom. Two thumbs up, hope to see them again next year. Aug. 4-8 Interaction (WSFC) And, of course, it isn’t a proper convention without room parties. Not having a room in the Glasgow, Scotland www.interaction.worldcon.org.uk hotel slowed things down at first but we were able to “borrow” the con suite from 9:00 to 3:00 Saturday night to host our usual bash. Two other groups that had planned on throwing parties, Aug. 19-21 Diversicon Twin Cities, MN but had no space, also joined in and kept the party SRO all night long. www.diversicon.org A final word to the 200 people that were unable to attend this year… You missed the best MarsCon in years. The convention is already negotiating with a new hotel for next year, so I Aug. 26-28 Bubonicon Albuquerque, NM expect things to be even better in ’06. MP www.bubonicon.com
May 2005 5 Arisia ‘05 No, the TV was tuned to The Weather Channel. January 21-23 We were all watching as a Nor’easter (one of the biggest and bad - Boston, MA dest in the past century) was heading our way. The lucky ones on the http://2006.arisia.org/ fringes of this storm would get six inches of snow. At the least. And the With fellow author and con-hopper fringes of this storm were places like Manassas, Fredericksburg, and Tony Ruggiero grudgingly meeting Washington, D.C. The more beer we drank, the closer the storm up with me at the Plaza Hotel, I was came, and around us attendees and local guests all said the same thing: returning to Beantown after two “Eh, we’ll just ride it out. It’s not going to be that bad.” Tony and I, years. In 2003, I visited Arisia and on the other hand, decided the best course of action was to call was impressed by the convention. I skipped a year just to give other Amtrak and brave the storm before it hit Boston full force. Saying our January cons a try, but the return to Boston reminded me of just how goodbyes, Tony and I managed to grab one of the last cabs available in good Arisia is and how I should make the trek north more often. the city. The storm, it appeared, was moving faster than The Weather The weekend began with a smooth check-in at the Plaza Hotel, Channel predicted. The Plaza charged us for only one night’s stay— something I will say was a huge improvement from the last visit. In again, another pleasant surprise—and Amtrak was apparently having 2003, Arisia had a “hotel liaison .” Guests and con-goers needed to a very good day. By the time we boarded the train, Logan Airport had contact the convention, Arisia would then make the reservation via officially shut down. When we left Boston, the Nor’easter was on top the liaison, then the liaison would confirm the reservation with the of us. Fourteen hours later, I stepped off the train in Quantico. con, and then the con would confirm with the guest. It was chaos I was told by guests who rode out the storm that Arisia extended with many attendees sitting by their luggage wondering, “What the itself an extra day. The Plaza was hospitable, trying not to fleece frel happened to my room?” This year, the reservations were handled those guests unexpectedly forced to stay. Things were getting a little directly by the Plaza. No frack-ups. Well done, Arisia. tense when the hotel kitchen reported that supplies were getting low, This year’s Arisia appeared busier than 2003. With such a busy but in the end there were no “missing guests” followed by a “Dahmer con, I salute the Boston fans running this weekend without incident Party Special” from Room Service. Logan reopened two days later or mishap. All my best to Sheila Oranch and her staff for creating and everyone made it home safely, with a few fun stories to swap tracks with great topics, easy to meet schedules and plenty of items with friends, post on blogs and write about for premier magazines. to keep attendees busy. And extra bonus points to the con staff for In 2003, Arisia was a bumpy ride with illness, reservation mixups commandeering the Plaza Hotel’s private channel for showing and a longer than usual train ride. In 2005, it was a mad dash to Amtrak favorite SF/F/H television series and movies during the con. through a nasty Nor’easter. You would think I would read the signs and The panels themselves were extremely well attended, two of the say, “Maybe I shouldn’t do Arisia. MarsCon is closer, and Chattacon in most impressive turnouts on my schedule being “The SciFi Superiority Tennessee is less northern.” So what are my plans for January, 2006? Complex: Elitism in SF/F/H” and “The George Lucas Bash-a-Thon.” After a weekend like this, what can I say other than, “See you in The Elitism panel was a bullet-sweating moment, as one of the pan - Beantown, baby!” TM elists and half the audience had read my article on this very topic appearing on StrangeHorizons.com. The discussion was passionate, Genericon spirited, and still talked about hours later. As far as “The George Lucas January 28-30 Bash-a-Thon,” I think the last time I had that much fun on a panel was Troy, NY at Balticon 38 with Mike Pederson, the Lamplighter-Wrights, and http://www.genericon.union.rpi.edu/ other panelists talking about Harry Potter with a ballroom filled to There is nothing more invigorating then Albany in January, except capacity. The jokes flew, left and right, along with the frustrations, and going there with someone from Virginia who didn’t bring a hat or this panel was—much to my elation—captured and “enhanced” (with gloves. “Eight,” he said, “Eight is not a temperature. It’s a date or a clips from Star Wars and credits ) for posterity by Astronomicon’s Con time or something.” Chair, Wayne Brown. I had two more panels planned for Sunday… This year’s Genericon was held, as always, at Rensselaer …but it is here where Arisia took a wild, wacky and windy turn. Polytechnic Institute, and run by their sci-fi club with a focus on web - Saturday afternoon, Tony and I were enjoying some downtime in comics and Anime. This year saw a few changes. First, they moved to the bar and watching TV. What was on, you ask? Not the New England the last weekend of January to make sure they weren’t overshadowed Patriots. Not a replay of the Red Sox’s winning game. Not even a repeat by Arisia. Attendance was higher this year then in previous years. of Battlestar Galactica, featuring Richard Hatch’s return to the series. Also this year was their most successful Art Show. Nick Jones, who
6 Nth Degree has been running the show for the past three years worked hard to new management this year, so hopefully, it will be better for 2006. make it great. Sadly, this will be Nick’s last year running the Art Show. Another thing they could do better is post the game schedule on-site I arrived Friday night with fellow Nth Degree- er Rob Balder to a in a legible format. What was posted near the game room was like a warm Genericon welcome. This was my third Genericon and Rob’s first. tenth-generation Xerox copy of a Gantt chart. It also did not help that As usual, Friday night didn’t have much happening other then gaming the RPGA games were in the convention area, and anything else was and movies. I went to set up in the Art Show while Rob went exploring. hidden away on the fifth floor, without any indication of its being Saturday was spent at a two-hour webcomics panel which fea - there. All in all, the con could do much better in the gaming arena. tured Rob, Chris Battey of Scatterplot and Josh Phillips of Avalon. After the game, I visited the Con Suite, which was terrific, as Rob dominated the panel, although he tried not to. We had lunch always. I do wish people would let the hot dogs finish cooking before after the panel and I went to the Art Show to move some swag. I grabbing them, though. missed the guest dinner, but made it to Rob’s Filk concert. SheVaCon seems to attract a literary crowd, at least in terms of The concert was a lot of fun. Originally, Worm Quartet was sched - guests. Most of the panels that I attended were concerned with the uled to play as well. However, they couldn’t make it due to a scheduling art and science of science fiction writing and publishing. Interesting conflict. So Rob did his set and then lead the audience in a sing-a-long. stuff. I did not get into the Masquerade itself, because it was stand - Sunday, Rob wanted to immediately hit the road, but I made ing-room-only by the time I got there. Still, they all had to walk by him stay until the Art Show closed. The show was a big success as I me in the hallway to leave, so I got a good long gawk at the cos - watched an overwhelmed Nick take in more money in twenty min - tumes. The ones which stand out in my memory were Cruella De utes then the previous two years of Genericon. Vil from 101 Dalmations, the evil fairy Maleficent from Sleeping Thanks to Nick and the rest of the Genericon staff that made Beauty, and the character Rayne from the Bloodrayne computer this convention a success once again. AW game. These were all good, but the one that really impressed me was Rayne. She pegged the costume exactly, and she matched it physical - SheVaCon 13 ly, right down to the hair. February 25-27 There was an unusual event on Saturday: the world premiere of Roanoke, VA a movie called Apocalypse. Wow, was it bad: real Mystery Science http://www.shevacon.org/ Theater material. But the people who put on the show, which includ - SheVaCon was great, as always. ed the director and a few of the actors, were all good sports, and Here are some high spots: treated us to a terrific catered dinner. Registration was a breeze. There The high point of Saturday, of course, was the Nth Degree party. was no line at all at 5:00 when we SheVaCon’s schedule for Saturday night didn’t amount to much arrived. We got our badges and then more than various people reading their own stories out loud, which checked into the hotel. The Holiday has never thrilled me. I’d much rather talk to them one-on-one at the Inn Roanoke Tanglewood is a terrific hotel. The room was large and party. Various folks associated with Meisha Merlin Publishing were included frills like a refrigerator, microwave, and Wi-Fi. in attendance, and were a pleasure to chat with, as always. The We didn’t do much Friday night but roam around and go to a Writer GoH, L.E. Modesitt, was there as well. And I had the oppor - few panels. I attended a sparsely-attended workshop on miniature tunity to pick up a book for a friend: A Million Shades of Gray, by painting by Bob Snare. I learned quite a bit, to my surprise. Turns John C. Hertel. How many parties have you gone to where you can out I have been doing washes and dry-brushing wrong all this time. get a book signed by the author right in front of you? Well, maybe not wrong, but his figures definitely look better than Sunday is the day to browse the Dealer’s Room and spend any most of mine. I’m going to try his technique on the next few I paint. leftover cash that somehow hid in the bottom of your pockets all Lots going on Saturday. In the morning to early afternoon, I ran a weekend. I came really close to buying some Reaper miniatures, but Champions game, “The Testament of Dr. Destroyer .” Five people didn’t, since I’ve been spending way too much on stupid, ugly, plas - played: only one had ever played Hero System before. To say the game tic HeroClix to use as figures in our Champions games, and I need was lively would be an understatement. I am sure the other people in to take a break from spending money on gaming crap for a while. the room would have liked us to be quieter. Fortunately, I don’t think My wife picked up a book on writing, The Complete Guide To any of them were actually gaming. SheVaCon isn’t really a gaming Writing Fantasy. convention, alas. Maybe they’d attract more gamers if the game listing After that was saying good-bye and feeling bummed because the on the website was kept up to date. The SheVaCon website is under convention was over: that post-convention malaise. BB
May 2005 7 S PINE B ENDER Michael D. Pederson
Bride of the Fat White Vampire, Andrew Fox, Brand, one of the bar’s regulars who also happens to be a werewolf. Ballantine Books, 429 pp., ISBN 0-345-46408-7. Bride is the With the help of several of Bullfinches’ patrons, Ted must rescue his sequel to Fox’s well-received Fat White Vampire Blues and picks up wife (an honest-to-god wolf) and his two kids (werehumans— eight months after the title character, Jules Duchon, transformed they’re wolves all month until the full moon hits) from a rogue himself into a pack of 187 fat white rats. Now, his protégé, member of the government’s Department of Mystic Affairs—a fel - Doodlebug, is being coerced by New Orleans’ vampire elite (the low werewolf. Thomas keeps his tongue planted firmly in cheek for High Krewe of Vlad Tepes) to reform Jules in order to help them most of the story but still manages to generate an exciting tale. The solve a mystery that threatens to tear apart the city’s already unstable scenes where Brand undergoes training in how to fully understand vampire society. When Jules is reconstituted one rat short of a fat his werewolf abilities manage to be simultaneously hysterical and vampire he finds he has to team up with an old enemy to find out downright creepy. Like the Callahan’s series, the Murphy’s tales gen - who is behind the bizarre mutilations of pretty young vampires. At erally work better as short stories than novels but this is still a fun the same time he has his own personal missions of finding his miss - read for anyone that likes their fantasy evenly mixed with puns, ing rat-part and searching for a way to revive his dead girlfriend. quips and one-liners. What Fox pulls off here is nothing short of miraculous— Bride is an exciting vampire novel that manages to be funny without compro - The Occult Detectives of C.J. Henderson, C.J. mising the dark gothic mood that we’ve come to expect from vam - Henderson, Marietta Publishing, 259 pp., ISBN 1-892669- pire novels. The characters—a 450-pound vampiric cab driver, his 10-2. I confess that prior to starting this zine I only had a passing transsexual sidekick, a young girl obsessed with rats and, to a degree, familiarity with the works of H.P. Lovecraft. However, the Mythos- the city of New Orleans itself—are unique, amusing, and personable tainted stories of Henderson (a frequent contributor to this zine) without coming across as wacky caricatures. Most importantly, Fox have been one of the major factors that have dragged me kicking manages all of this without ever falling into the shadow of Lestat. and screaming into the realm of the Great Old Ones. Henderson is This one’s definitely worth picking up, as well as the first book and perhaps best known for his stories about psychic detective Teddy any subsequent books in the series. London and fans will be happy to know that several of those stories are collected in this volume. In addition to the London stories there Murphy’s Lore: Shadow of the Wolf, Patrick Thomas, are sequels to some classic Lovecraft stories; a couple of tales using Padwolf Publishing, 168 pp., ISBN 1-890096-21-0. In the Lin Carter’s popular detective, Anton Zarnak; a Blakely and Boles mood for something light and whimsical? Padwolf Publishing’s story; and tributes to Ramsey Campbell and Brian Lumley. Horror Murphy’s Lore series is a sort of mythological version of Spider is a tough subject to tackle well, but Henderson makes it frighten - Robinson’s Callahan’s Crosstime Saloon. Greek gods, vampyres, ingly believable with his unique blend of terror, pathos and humor. satyrs, Arthurian knights, leprechauns and an assortment of other Some highlights include “Patiently Waiting ,” a sequel to Lovecraft’s fantasy mainstays are all common barflies in Bullfinches’ Pub—the “The Tale of Inspector Legrasse” that perfectly captures the hazy center of action for this series. This particular tale focuses on Ted horror of the original; “A Forty Share In Innsmouth ,” which gives
8 Nth Degree us the inevitable combination of Lovecraft and reality television; the real freezing weapon and the other two held fake devices. Laney and “The Door ,” a brief but powerful meeting between Teddy had to disintegrate all three of them while the other people at the London and Anton Zarnak. If you haven’t discovered C.J. table destroyed the files on them and erased the Garnots’ memory. Henderson yet, this is a great place to start. The Plan worked perfectly, but when Laney was in the caves she was caught by a Garnot. Fortunately, Laney was able to escape and dis - Return to Thrae, Judith Galardi, 1st Books Library, 142 integrate the other two weapons. When all of that was done, two pp., ISBN 1-4033-0816-0. Once again I turn things over to our people from the table told her they were Laney’s mom and dad. junior reviewer, Krisi Pederson… Laney’s dad was Ostagus. They also told Laney they would bring her Once there was a girl named Laney. She was sent to Earth from back if they needed her to help their planet. Everybody said goodbye the planet Thrae when she was five. Laney’s Earth parents found her and Laney went back to Earth. in a stream, but Laney was in a mermaid form. When it was time for I think that this is a great book. I would recommend it to people Laney to go to high school her Earth parents told her that because who like adventure and lots of surprises. Return to Thrae is my most she was a mermaid with special powers, like the ability to disinte - favorite book that I have ever read (and I’ve read a lot of books!). I grate things, she needed to go to a special school. Then someone hope you’ll like it as much as I did. named Dr. Bucci came in and watched her disintegrate things. He also explained to Laney that she would be going to a high school that There Will Be Dragons, John Ringo, Baen Books, 526 he worked at, and how the school was only for people that had pow - pp., ISBN 0-7434-7164-4. Ringo can always be counted on for ers. When Laney went to the school she met all her teachers and saw providing first-rate entertainment. He also sells very well and has a where she would stay. One of her teachers hypnotized her to see if strong fan following; sadly, his publishers seem to know this and let she could remember anything from the world Thrae. When she him get away with more than they should. Dragons is set on Earth, started remembering things she saw her mother, Darcy Lou. When far in the future. Technology has turned the planet into an idyllic Laney saw her she was scared and wanted to go have lunch, where paradise where nobody has to work and everyone can live out their she met Kertar. Kertar told Laney that the Garnots were evil people fantasies. When the planet’s ruling council splits into two factions in a battle with the Thraeans. He also told her that her parents sent war breaks out and all of the neat hi-tech plot devices go away to be her to Earth for protection. used in the war. It’s an interesting concept, just don’t think about it Later that day Laney went for a swim in the pool. As she suspect - too much or it starts to fall apart. I may be wrong but it seems like ed, she grew fins and her hair got longer and lighter and she started Ringo had a clever idea for writing a series that would allow him to swimming very fast. Then the water turned a peach color and a large pick and choose military tactics from all of history (something that merman swam close to her and told her she was in Thrae and he was he does very well), mix them around and put them up against each an old friend. Laney realized that some people were starting to freeze, other and then he simply built a world to fit that premise. All neg - and noticed other people helping to get them in sleeping bag-like atives aside, he does an admirable job of blending science fiction things in an attempt to unfreeze them. Ostagus (the large merman) and fantasy together for a thrilling (if somewhat shallow) end-of- told Laney that was the work of the Garnots’ freezing weapon. Then society adventure story. The book is a bit self-indulgent and occa - both Laney and Ostagus sat at a long table with some other people sionally doesn’t make too much sense but its darned entertaining. and in that room she saw Kertar again. They all began to talk about Ringo may not be science fiction’s greatest novelist but he is one hel - how Laney was going to save Thrae. There were three caves, one held luva good storyteller.
May 2005 9 ZINE REVIEWS 53024-2017; [email protected]; bi-monthly; $1.50 or trade For people looking to get more involved in fandom, there is no better way or contributions. Most true zine fans are already fully aware of this (outside of cons) to experience what fandom is all about than through one. Updates from the Welches; articles from Alex Slate, Rodney fanzines. Send for some of the zines here and see for yourself… Leighton, Terry Jeeves, Steven Silver, E.B. Frohvet and others; plus many pages of LOCs and zine reviews. Alexiad, Vol. 3 No. 6 and Vol. 4 No. 1; Lisa & Joseph Major; 1409 Christy Avenue; Louisville, KY 40204- Picofarad #1; 1435 SW 211th Avenue; Beaverton, OR 2040; [email protected]; “The Usual” or $1 back 97006; www.bidalaka.com/picofarad/; bi-monthly; free at issues/$10 1 yr. sub. Lots and lots of reviews (plenty of interest - cons or by SASE. News tidbits, book reviews/recommendations, ing non-fiction and/or non-genre books that I wish I had the time film reviews, and a convention calendar. A little thin, but this is only to read). Plus editorial, fanzine listings, and LoCs. Lots of recogniz - the first issue. able fan names are involved. True Review #59; Gallifrey Press; Andrew Andrews; 110 Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine #14; Buchland Rd .; Ephrata, PA 17522; [email protected]; quarter - Andromeda Spaceways Publishing Co-Op; P.O. Box 89; ly; $2.50 or 1 year for $8.00. A science fiction, fantasy, horror Latham ACT 2615, Australia; www.andromedaspaceways.com . and mystery review zine. Only six pages, but I really enjoy the I’ve been hearing good things about Andromeda for the last couple of reviews. This issue has a very touching eulogy for the editor’s father. years and can now personally say that it’s quite a good publication. Excellent writing all around. Seven short stories, an interview with Neal Stephenson, an article on the history and current state of Australian small press, book reviews, The Unofficial Memphen Annual No. 1; MSFA; P.O. and an article on Saturn and the Cassini mission—quite a lot of con - Box 820514; Memphis, TN 38182-514. A 28-page collection of tent for a little zine. past Memphen covers and fillos. A must have for fans of Tom Foster’s artwork. Deconform, Vol. 1 No. 2; [email protected]. Oddly, this zine had no information on who edits or publishes it or The View From Entropy Hall #34; Edmund Meskys; how to order it, just an email address to submit art and writing to. Niekas Publications; e-zine; back issues are available online I’m not even sure where I picked it up but it seems to be based out at www.worldpath.net/~bullsfan/entropy. An interesting article of Atlanta, GA. It’s a nice little college alt-culture zine. Articles on on the editor’s trip to Torcon, a fun recap of fiction involving minia - electronic voting, comic reviews (one on Warren Ellis and another ture people (i.e. The Borrowers ), some good reviews and lots of LOCs. on The Invisibles ), a critique of hip-hop culture, and a couple of pieces on performance art. Great material, no clue where it came Zine World #22; Marrakech Express; P.O. Box 330156; from though. Murfreesboro, TN 37133-0156; jerianne@underground - press.org; www.undergroundpress.org; $3 or 4 issues for $10. Graffiti Vol. 16.07/08; Rhode Island Science Fiction Club; A little political but full of great articles on freedom of the press- P.O. Box 8515; Warwick, RI 02888; [email protected]; related issues and over 40 pages of zine reviews. Dues: $15. Standard club zine—primarily reviews and club busi - Books and zines to be considered for review in this column should be sent to ness. Really thoughtful reviews on Spinrad’s The Iron Dream and Michael Pederson, 8600 Queensmere Place #2; Richmond, VA 23294. Ward Kendall’s Hold Back This Day. Do you like things that go bump in the night? Do you like to read about ghosts and delight? Instant Message #744-749; NESFA; P.O. Box 809; Olivia MacAllister, Who Are You? is a ghost mystery set Framingham, MA 01701-0809; www.nesfa.org; bi-weekly; in Maine. Two young cousins, Bobby and Noel, set out to find all they can about their ancestor, Olivia free to members. Club business for the New England Science Fiction MacAllister, who is a ghost in their Uncle Eb’s home Association. Particularly useful for its updates on what NESFA Press where they are staying for the summer. To order, send a check for $12.95 (plus $2 postage) to: has in the pipeline. Issue #744 has the current NESFA roster. Celine Rose Mariotti 411 Coran Avenue Shelton, CT 06484 Knarley Knews, Issues 109 & 110; Parody Publishers; Make checks payable to Celine Rose Mariotti. CT residents add 6% sales tax. Henry and Letha Welch; 1525 16th Ave.; Grafton, WI Email me at [email protected] for more info on my freelance writing and critiquing — translations, business cards, resumés. 10 Nth Degree May 2005 11 C ELEB T EN D AVID F RANKLIN Ron McClung
Nth Degree was recently given the privilege of interviewing actor to be possessed, and I replied I have no #$%#@%$ idea! David Franklin. We’re all big Farscape fans here… I think Braca’s favorite moment was when he had his boss Scorpius on a chain. It was a moment of complete wish-fulfillment ND: With Ben Browder and Claudia Black joining the cast of for him. Stargate SG-1, are you likely to stay with science fiction as well or concentrate more on drama? ND: When you look back on Farscape what are your impressions? DF: As much as I enjoy doing sci-fi, I enjoy working in all sorts of Was it “just another gig” or do you feel like you made an impact? dramatic forms. I’d love to do some more comedy. DF: I originally only came in for two episodes, but it ended up being for the whole run of the show. First and foremost, I was ND: How did it feel getting back together with everyone for amazed with the extraordinary vision of Brian Henson. There had Peacekeeper Wars? Was there a “learning curve” in getting back with never been anything on TV before like it, and there will probably the characters, or was everyone ready to pick up where they left off? never be again. I was honored to be a part of that. Unlike most TV DF: After working together previously for so long, it was just a acting gigs, we were able to form an ensemble group of actors, which matter of slipping on the costume, and then it was business as usual. allowed me to expand my range and take risks as a performer. Well, it was for me anyway. I was quite surprised how, after only a day on set, it was almost like there hadn’t been a break. There you go ND: Compared to theatrical acting, do you find it difficult to per - you taskmaster! form opposite Muppets, green screens, and people yelling “Boom… Something just blew up to your left!”? ND: How did it feel being less of a bootlicker and more of a hot - DF: Acting is always about imagination. And it’s especially good shot commando in Peacekeeper Wars? Were you all having too much when the imagination is as fertile as the Farscape team. fun on the set? DF: Braca used to be the guy you should never go on a mission with because he’d inevitably get his subordinates killed while doing nothing himself. It seems like Captain Braca has matured somewhat. Who knew? Because the mini series shoot was like a movie, there was more time spent sitting around waiting for special effects to set up shots. I was joking around with Raelee Hill one day—we were so bored— and we started shooting a joke—Captain Braca beefcake calendar— because of his newfound hotshot commando status. That kept us amused for a few days. The only trouble was that the rest of the crew wanted to get involved and we were meant to be shooting Farscape. The calendar was a great end-of-shoot present, and you can get copies online at http://www.peachtreeservices.net/.
ND: What was a favorite episode for you? What episode makes you ask “What am I doing here?” DF: I enjoyed the one where Braca was bewitched by Grayza's aphrodisiac secretion. Poor Braca didn’t know if he’d been sexually molested or not. I remember the episode also with Grayza where I had a Skreeth on my forehead, which telepathically transmitted another being into me, and Rebecca [Commandant Grayza] asked me how I was going
12 Nth Degree Announcing the all-new Bob the Angry Flower book!!! 152 pages, 16 color, Foreword by Ruben Bolling Over 100 cartoons, plus all-new punctuation strips, tons o’ annotations, and the very, very special bonus feature, LOVEBOT CONQUERS ALL! All this for only $15.00! Shipping & Handling: $1.00 Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.
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May 2005 13 T HE G AMING C LOSET Ron McClung
The Everlasting it was more than that. TE encourages the group to share the role of (Book of the Unliving, Book of the Light, guide. One person acts as the primary plot guide, while another per - Book of the Spirits, Book of the Fantastical) son controls certain NPCs, and another controls combat situations. From: Visionary Entertainment, Inc. I can see the pros and cons of changing the standard dynamic of role - Type of Game: Foundation Book playing this way. On one side, long-time GMs may not embrace this Written by: Steven Brown idea, and many may revert back to the standard dynamic. On the Website: www.visionaryentertainment.com other side, multiple input could help to develop more interesting stories and adventures. When I was first handed The Everlasting (TE) rulebooks, I honestly Towards the end of each book, the author delves further into the was not overly excited about reviewing them. The author of the concept of legend-making and other “higher consciousness” con - game is a former writer for White Wolf Games’ World of Darkness cepts that, I feel, take it out of the realm of “just-a-game .” It encour - line (WoD). I am not a huge fan of WoD and this game initially came ages adding rituals to your game sessions for opening and closing across as a WoD -wannabe. However, after reading, I found I was ceremonies, exploring one’s “personal mythology ,” achieving altered wrong on many levels but also right on a few. stages of consciousness through gaming and dream control. I person - First of all, this game has been out for a while. The copyright for ally have a strong objection to having these New Age concepts the first book is 1994. It apparently has made a comeback because invade my hobby, so I will leave that to the reader to explore. It is the most recent books were released in 2003 and 2004. The four one thing to apply it to the game universe and a totally different core rule books are Book of the Unliving, Book of the Light, Book of thing to try to apply it to real life. It is just a game! the Spirits, and Book of the Fantastical. Each rule book is a stand- The background for the game’s universe is rich and full of “leg - alone game and certain common sections are repeated throughout end-making” opportunities. TE begins in the mysterious Secret each book. However, new supernatural races (genos), locations, mag - World, a supernatural world of infinite dimensions overlaying our icks and detailed backgrounds dominate each book. mortal world. Very few mortals are aware of it, and fewer interact with it. Supernatural creatures interact with it, while at the same Common Content time living within the mortal world. The Secret World has many The Everlasting claims to be an interactive legend-making experience “onion layers .” The onion is called the Reverie. The layers are and that roleplaying TE is a “higher plane of consciousness .” This dimensions like the mortal world, the Astral Plane, the seemed a little too touchie-feelie for me. I do appreciate the “art” of Dreamworlds, Menagerie and the Netherworlds. At the heart of the roleplaying a storyline, but it is just a game. This sense that it is a background is the Death Knell—an event that brought on demonic more mature way to roleplay is what turned me off from WoD. In terror to the many planes of the Reverie. This event threatens both reality it is just another roleplaying game. the supernatural world and the mortal world. Players roleplay TE makes several attempts to differentiate itself from other role - supernatural characters intent on stopping the evil plots of the playing games. One new aspect is the concept of a guide. Initially, I Death Knell demons or they play the demons themselves, working thought it was their gamemaster, but upon reading further, I realized towards an apocalyptic end.
14 Nth Degree Characters Base System: The approach to the game system is very flexible. In TE, players choose from supernatural beings (gentes). Each foun - It supplies two simple ways of playing—dice or cards. It has an inter - dation book supplies several gentes. Each genos (singular of gentes) esting approach to ability scores or Aspects, Aptitudes and Skills. In has its own factions, sub-types, cultures, magick, weaknesses, special the basic dice or card system the Ability defines the number of dice abilities and Torments. Torment is a measure of how far along the rolled or cards drawn. The Aptitude or Skill subtracts from the dif - monstrous path the character is. An example of Torment is the Ghul ficulty value. This interesting balance allows the raw Ability scores to Torment of Degeneration representing the mental devolution and affect the situation as much as the Skills. the physical deterioration of the character. Magick is similar to skills in the base system. The difficulty is Book of the Unliving explores the world of the undead. The pri - based on effect, target and magnitude. There are also forms of mag - mary gentes are Vampires, Ghuls, and Revenants. Vampires are more ick—spontaneous, spells, and rituals. The addition of spontaneous like the legendary creatures than the WoD version. Ghuls are like the magick is interesting. The system encourages the players to create Lovecraftian ghouls—creatures that feed on the dead. Revenants are their own spells by turning a spontaneous effect into a permanent dead who walk the Earth in a shroud of illusion, sucking the lifeforce learned spell. out of mortals. There are also two dark gentes—Dead Souls (ghosts) Dice: The core die is a 12-sided die, with difficulties ranging and Reanimates. Although dark, they are not necessarily bad guys; from 0 through 13. This system is similar to WoD where each die is they are just creatures harder to roleplay in the mortal world. compared to the difficulty and successes are counted. 12-sided dice In Book of the Light , the primary gentes are Angels, Daevas and are reserved for supernaturals. Mortals role 8-sided dice and mortals Questers. Angels are your standard celestial beings. They are divided with supernatural powers role 10-sided dice. There are some things into nine distinct orders including seraphim, cherubim, and merk - supernaturals can do that mortals cannot. abah. Daevas are humans so heroic they have been granted immor - Cards: The card system also has two options: regular playing tality and other abilities by ancient “gods .” Questers are humans cards or Tarot. It works much like dice, comparing the value to a driven by some great but possibly unattainable holy quest that sus - difficulty. tains their life, like the Quest for the Grail. Also included are Combat System: The combat system is simple but surprisingly Demons (fallen angels) and the Wer (werewolves), both of which can robust. While not bogging combat down with clunky details that be played as protagonists or player characters. other combat systems tend to have TE keeps it exciting. Based on a In Book of the Spirits , there are Gargoyles (demon-like beings simple system of ten actions within a 12-second round, each player of good that “devour sin”), Manitous (totem animal spirits) and the can take a certain number of actions. Actions are declared at the Possessed (dream entities that possess and corrupt mortals). It also beginning of a round and cannot be changed mid-round, some contains sections on Astral Spirits, Dream Spirits, Djinn, tasks require multiple actions. In an attack, both attacker and Somnomancers (wizards of the Dreamworlds) and Leviathans (Great defender make a roll or draw cards. The number of successes the Old Ones). This book is highly influenced by H.P. Lovecraft and attacker exceeds his opponent by acts as a modifier to the base dam - Call of Cthulhu. Note that Leviathans are not protagonist races. age of the weapon used. The defender gets a resistance roll/draw to Book of the Fantastical contains the basic races of fantasy— resist the damage. dragons (yes, you can play a dragon), elves, fairies, dwarves and orcs. All are relatively self-explanatory, except perhaps the dragons. Conclusion Dragons are a protagonist race by way of shape-shifting. TE’ s core universe and deep background are inspiring. I find the Character generation is very flexible. There are three methods— unique changes to the gaming group dynamic interesting. Although point-allocation, random card-draw and random dice-roll. It is charac - I initially approached this game with a negative view, in the end I ter-concept-based, with a 20-question system that helps you flesh out actually like it. However, the New Age concepts and touchie-feelie the history, motivation and overall story of the character. It encourages aspects almost deterred me from TE. I felt it went a step too far in strong character conception and a good knowledge of history. making roleplaying more than a game. Overall, TE is a very good game with a solid game system(s) and Game Mechanics deep background. I would recommend it to more mature gamers, The author seems to feel that game mechanics are a necessary evil, with a short warning about certain aspects. All of the books are cer - stating upfront that there are no rules, just guidelines. This point of tainly thorough and detailed. It is an engulfing world that is amaz - view, I feel, is a carry-over from the WoD philosophy and may either ingly deep and dynamic. The world flows with lots of room to attract or deter players. explore amid its own mythos.
May 2005 15 Memories by C.J. Henderson
“Memories” marks C.J.’s fifth appearance in Nth Degree. So far he’s given us science fiction, SF humor, and horror. I’m not really sure how to classify this one, short of saying it’s very X-Files.
A memory is what is left when something happens and “Hey, famous explorer with his Nobel ticket here—hello?” The does not completely unhappen. —Edward de Bono hallways maintained their deserted posture, even as the caged beast barked angrily against the silence. arkness blurred, the ebony reaches of it strained by a fizzing “Christ,” announced the man with understandable frustration. annoyance, a calling more felt than heard. Languid purple “Can’t anyone hear little Edgar, here? Has curiosity completely died Dsounds slithered through the gentle shroud, unbalanced, in this world?” straining, pushing aside the burden of shadow, burrowing toward the When no response came to his queries, frustration forced him to future—trying to finally remember itself in some complete sense one final attempt. before all was forgotten. “Where is everybody?” But one more, the still forming thought reminded itself, but one Finally a young man’s head emerged from a room close by. more needed. Recognition prompted him to call out. And with that single realization, the retreating darkness was fur - “Professor Blakely, you’re back.” ther dissolved, one more shade of it diminished, by the will of ego “Glad someone around here notices the little things.” The rangy, and the acid of patience. broad-shouldered man did not bother keeping the annoyance he was feeling out of his voice. “Where is everyone?” DUKE UNIVERSITY, DURHAM, NC “Auditorium C,” answered the student. “Doctor Boles is giving The thrashing reptile let out a hideous roar, a long bark of hot air a demonstration.” and frightened anger that echoed down the pristine, off-white corri - Did the young man have a twinkle of mischief in his eye? Was, dor. The wrinkled gray dewlap beneath its throat fanned with indig - Blakely wondered, the little son’va bitch mocking him? The doctor of nation, its sparse and ragged crest fringes snapping sharply as it Cryptozoology could not decide if the amusement he detected in the stu - threw its head to and fro. The beast snapped its maw several times, dent was actual or imagined. Then, Blakely caught hold of his temper. biting at the air with curdling frustration, then roared again. Sure, he thought, Boles figured out exactly when you were going “I second the motion,” said the man pushing the creature’s rub - to arrive and scheduled one of his little smoke and mirror produc - ber-wheeled cage. “Where the hell is everyone?” tions just so he could steal Edgar’s and my thunder. Even though The man ran his hand through his rough, dark brown hair, let - even I didn’t know when I was going to get back and even though he ting the doors to the Science Hall swing shut behind him. He was didn’t know about Edgar. tall and lean, a well-muscled man with dark eyes and a heavy jaw. The large man calmed down. Yes, he admitted, it was true. The His mouth was drawn in a thin line, set hard with disappointment. rivalry into which he and Boles had entered was fast becoming a His eyes scanning down the off-running corridor to his left, then the point of amusement for the entire campus. Ever since they had been one to his right, he called out. forced to work together by a staggeringly generous endowment, both
16 Nth Degree those members of the faculty made jealous by the endowment and gestion. Then, a sharp-eyed student sitting far to the back of the the student body in general had enjoyed watching the pair’s attempts room shouted out; to upstage one another. Neither of them had gone to any outrageous “Chalk up number thirty-nine for Dr. Boles. Blakely is back.” extremes, of course, nothing undignified—not yet, anyway. Heads turned. Fingers pointed. Some students laughed all the “Still,” Blakely mused under his breath, “I would like to know harder. Many were amazed. A few frightened. Blakely scowled, his what that little ferret’s up to now.” original good humor of the day shattered. In the front of the room, So saying, the professor wheeled Edgar to his new, if but tempo - Dr. Hugo Boles seemed almost reluctant to respond to the growing rary home in the biology lab, and then headed off across campus for applause that wildfired its way throughout the auditorium. Finally, Auditorium C. There, he found his colleague seated at a small table, as it began to turn into a standing ovation, he acquiesced and rose as not on stage but down directly in front of the orchestra seating. He well, taking a short bow. could not make out the man’s face from such a distance, but Blakely could discern his counterpart’s general form—the small shoulders, l l whipping black hair, slight frame, thinly oval face, and of course, his trademark wire-rimmed glasses, still sliding too far down his nose. The next day found Blakely in the office of the school chancellor, Mr. Okay, sneered Blakely within his head, go ahead and wow Gordon S. Pimms. Few would guess that the “S” stood for “Stonewall,” me, professor. for Pimms was a rotund and balding man of short stature who per - The cryptozoologist noted that the auditorium was packed, and spired far too freely for a man of academic importance. Although the not just with students. He spotted more than a few faculty members, political correctness of the times kept him from announcing his being as well as the curious from Durham, and even local journalists. None named for the great general very often any more, still he realized the of them noted Blakely’s arrival in the auditorium. All their attention importance of the connection to many of the older alumni, and thus was focused on Boles. still maintained the initial on his business cards and office door. At the table far down in front, Boles sat across from a young “So, Hugo,” he said to Blakely, hoping to find some small trace woman, a student with whom Blakely was not familiar. Boles was of good humor in the professor for once, “how’s it feel to be back in facing the audience but his attention was focused on the student, or the States?” more correctly, on the over-sized deck of cards she was manipulating. “For my part, being nine thousand miles from the sideshow As Blakely settled into a seat, she spoke, loud enough for all to hear. antics of William Herbert Boles and his nightmare theater were a “Okay, Dr. Boles, that’s thirty-eight out of thirty-eight. You blessed relief. A jungle thick with buzzers who take a quart of blood think you can keep going?” Fraternity noises and other encouraging every time they fillet you was sheer heaven compared to being cou - expressions of gusto thundered from around the auditorium. Boles pled with his royal highness, the grand poobah of weird.” put up a hand to quiet the room. “Hugo, you’re just caught up. Why don’t you let me…” “I appreciate the enthusiasm, everyone…” “No,” Blakely snapped, “don’t veer me off, Gordon. I’m collar “You kin do it, professor…” hot and I think I deserve to be. Look at what happened to me yes - Boles smiled at the lone voice. “Thank you, Mr. Purcell. Your terday. I arrive here with the find of the century…” faith is appreciated, but it will not change your current grade.” A “You know, I still don’t really understand what it is you found,” knowing brace of laughter punctuated the quip. admitted Pimms. “They said it was an old lizard…?” “So,” said the girl across the table from Boles, holding up a ran - “Euuuugghhh,” groaned Blakely. Leaning forward, he held his tem - dom card from her deck so that only she could see its face, “wavy per back as he lectured, “Here’s the brief, so you can dazzle the alumni. lines, a circle, a rectangle… can you guess number thirty-nine?” There are four branches to the reptile family, and the oldest is the Boles reacted as if he was ready to keep going, touching the tips of Rhynchocephalia, which has only one member genus, Sphenodon, his fingers together, lowering his head, closing his eyes slightly. But then, which has only one species, the ratty little tuataras, and you can only he suddenly shifted his position—agitated—moving his head to one find those dusty losers on a few islands off New Zealand where they side as if listening to a faraway noise. After a few seconds, he responded. keep body and soul together living in abandoned bird nests. With the “I’m sorry,” he said with what seemed like honest fluster, “but I discovery of Edgar, I just doubled the Rhynchocephalian species count. don’t think I can. Suddenly there seems to be a blockage, as if a vast He is the quintessential reptile morphotype. I mean, back in ’56, when negative presence has joined us.” Romer wrote Osteology of the Reptiles, his constant anatomical point of “Maybe professor Blakely’s back in town.” reference was Sphenodon. Every major book since then has had to do A large wave of mirth rolled across the audience at Purcell’s sug - the same. But, not any more. From here on in they’ll be coming to us!”
May 2005 17 Pimms began to grasp the importance of Blakely’s find, at least once been known as the Wa’Chenka Village, a tourist attraction of in terms his outlook could appreciate. Not only would it bring addi - the fifties which had not merely fallen on hard times, but indeed tional prestige to the university, but its discovery fit the criteria of the which had plummeted to them. lavish endowment the school had received to further both professor “Pretty hard to meet our contact,” responded Blakely, aiming a Blakely and Boles’ work, and that meant far more to the chancellor thumb at the woman crossing the litter-strewn parking lot toward than mere prestige. Gaining his slight understanding of the impor - them, “if we don’t go where we say we will.” tance of the discovery, however, did not bring to Pimms an under - “Apparently,” answered Boles slowly, cleaning his glasses at the standing of what had Blakely so upset. Questioning that brought the same time, “you’re willing to endure fairly much anything, if it has balding man his answer. female body parts attached to it.” “But did anyone come yesterday? A new species found, a creature Blakely almost answered, then decided there was no point to it. that dates back directly well over 200 million years? Why bother? Their contact was most of the way to his car. It made little sense to him Who cares?” Blakely panted, his voice growing louder and more agi - to force her to knock on the window before they acknowledged her tated. “What’s the point when we’ve got that trained frog Boles presence. Besides, he told himself as he opened his door with relief, ten doing card tricks in Auditorium C?” hours trapped in the same vehicle with Boles was about his limit. “My, my, and this used to be such a genteel office,” came a voice “Hello,” started the approaching woman, “are you Dr. Blakely?” from behind the two men. “Now they’ll let just anyone inside.” “What gave me away?” Pimms welcomed the arrival of Dr. William Boles. Blakely “I have to admit,” she answered coyly, her eyes giving his body pushed himself backwards into the overstuffed leather of his high- an approving stare, “it was hinted to me that the Blakely half of backed chair, retreating into its padding. Boles moved into the chan - ‘Blakely & Boles’ would be the more interesting. If that’s him still in cellor’s office and took a twin seat next to his colleague. Turning to the car, then he must be something of a demi-god. Not to be for - Blakely, he asked; ward, or anything.” “So, what’s this about some parasite you’ve brought back to “Now, aren’t you sweet,” responded the professor with an apprecia - the campus?” tive smile, suddenly feeling better about things. “Whatever it is you’re “Bite me, ghost boy.” selling, why not throw a case in my trunk while I get my wallet.” “Gentlemen,” snapped Pimms, his good humor draining out of “Touché,” replied the woman. Extending her hand, she offered, his system, “you two are becoming impossible. But, in many ways “I’m Kate Skyler. I’m the representative from Friends of Wild Life that’s what I like best about you.” you’re supposed to be meeting here.” Blakely took the proffered Blakely blinked, stared at Pimms for a moment, then let his eyes hand, approving of the rough feel to the fingers, incongruous with dart sideways toward Boles. His colleague merely continued to gaze the rest of Skyler’s appearance. forward, maybe looking at the chancellor, perhaps at something “Hugo Blakely, at your service.” At the sound of his passenger behind him, or at nothing at all. door opening he added, “and this is my esteemed colleague, Dr. “I’ve taken the liberty of cancelling your classes for the next two W.H. Boles.” weeks, William,” Pimms said to Boles. Turning his head to Blakely, “There wouldn’t be a clean bathroom somewhere on these prem - he added, “since technically you’re still on leave, I’ve contacted ises, would there, young lady?” Human Resources and told them to extend it for the same period.” Skyler smiled. Pointing toward the endless stand of trees behind “What’s up, Gordie?” the dilapidated buildings at the edge of the parking lot, she offered, “A Mr. Gary Railsbach has purchased some property he wishes to “The forest is a beautiful place, Dr. Boles.” turn into a wildlife preserve. The only problem, it seems it’s either The professor stiffened noticeably. Both Blakely and the young haunted or plagued by monsters. I told him our world-famous team woman did their best not to laugh. Resigning himself, Boles moved of investigators would be to his rescue shortly.” off toward the woods beyond while the others talked. Blakely blinked hard, swallowed air with noise, then opened his “So,” Blakely began, “here’s what we have—supposedly there’s a eyes, flashing angry bolts at the chancellor. Boles merely raised one creature, that may or may not be tangible, on the loose in this little eyebrow and gave a short smile. attraction of yours. That was enough to get our chancellor to send us down to do a preliminary scouting of the site. Now why don’t you WA’CHENKA VILLAGE, at the ALTAMAHA RIVER, GA add the reams of facts we’re obviously missing.” “‘Why stay in Townsend?’ he says,” fumed Dr. Boles, staring out the “Glad to,” she responded. “First off, the Wa’Chenka Village isn’t window of Blakely’s Explorer at the collapsing remains of what had an attraction anymore. Our organization bought this place so that
18 Nth Degree we can turn it into a wildlife refuge.” “Got good at the showmanship after a while,” the old man said “You bought it?” Blakely was clearly taken aback. “But, you’re with pride. “The best were the weddings. Any time we had enough environmentalists, correct?” tourists to make it worth our while, we’d tell them they could attend “Yes. Not all Earth-Firsters believe the government should be an actual tribal wedding. We’d just grab any two of us who weren’t involved in everything, though. We bought the land when it came busy and they’d play the couple. Charge by the head, shame them on the market, and we’ve got plans that will not only make it a func - into springing for gifts, good business—you know?” tional refuge, but should also turn a profit.” “Seems as if you had it all worked out.” “Sounds intriguing,” said Blakely honestly. “So, where are the “We did,” the man’s face went soft with memory for a moment. creatures? And what exactly do you want done about them?” “I remember one summer I got married twelve times. The groom While Skyler answered the doctor’s questions, his partner made his always wore an emerald green robe, thousand hummingbird feath - way back into the forest, looking for a spot suitably secluded to relieve ers. Very beautiful.” himself. Coming to a particularly dense section of pines, he undid his “Sounds like you enjoyed it, somewhat, anyway—yes?” zipper and began urinating when he felt a motion behind him. “It wasn’t bad,” agreed the old man. “Didn’t get to keep the gifts, Not far away, not moving, thought the professor. Reaching out but I enjoyed the honeymoons.” with his senses, he told himself, quiet, patient, but solid. “You put Mickey Rooney to shame,” answered Boles. “So, what Boles found beads of sweat breaking out on his head. What was happened to this place?” behind him, he wondered. Why was it watching him? What was it “Fuckin’ Disney,” answered Na’kiraw matter-of-factly. “There waiting for? When he was finished urinating, would it lose interest used to be roadside attractions all up and down I-95. Dinosaur vil - and wander off, or might it attack? lages, Santa Claus Lands, slave plantation re-enactments—all gone As the stream he was releasing began to break up into spurts, now. All dried up. Nobody had time for us—any of us. We Boles went through his options. He could enumerate only two—turn Wa’Chenka, we were always a small tribe. Back in ’74, ’75, when and confront who or whatever was behind him or run for the car. there was just nobody stopping anymore, the influenza hit. By the It stands to reason, he told himself, that anything truly interested time we got any real help, a lot of the tribe was dead. Big mess.” in mayhem most likely could overtake me long before I can reach Boles and Na’kiraw reached the main building at that point, any form of safety. Indeed, I think it’s safe to assume such would joining Blakely and Skyler as they came out the front entrance. It have happened already. was quickly made obvious that Skyler and Na’kiraw knew each other. That thought in mind, the doctor finished his business, did up The old man explained. his trousers, then turned, saying; “Skyler’s group didn’t want the Wa’Chenka lands to revert to the “Hello, whoever you are. Pardon me if I don’t offer to shake government. They bought it from me…” hands…” “It’s a lease, remember?” Skyler corrected. “A custodianship set Boles turned to find himself staring into the eyes of the oldest up in the tribe’s name. The Wa’Chenka still have complete access to human being he had ever encountered. The man was obviously a their lands in perpetuity…” Native American, possibly one of the Wa’Chenka the site’s faded and “Which,” the old man cut her off, “since I’m the last of the cracked front gate had promised. Wa’Chenka, means it will all be theirs to do with what they want “Name’s Na’kiraw,” the man spoke in a raspy, tired voice. fairly soon.” “Any particular reason you snuck up on me without announcing “But,” returned Skyler, slightly flustered, “you knew that. I mean…” yourself?” Na’kiraw waved the woman’s comments off, coughing as he did so. “Not polite to interrupt a man when he’s taking care of business. The racking noise went on for an embarrassingly long time. Hacking Besides, wondered if I could still do it.” up a great glob of phlegm, he spat it out, tasting blood as he did so. Boles smiled. He liked the old man’s attitude. As the pair walked Covering his mouth with the back of a hand, he lowered himself slowly back toward the buildings, Na’kiraw answered as many questions as he into a chair carved from a twisted tree trunk that rested against the could. The Wa’Chenka Village had been a tourist attraction of no small front of the building. “I know, don’t get in a tizzy. I know. But, I also repute decades earlier. The site was actually the tribe’s reservation—in know I’ll be dead soon and the Wa’Chenka will just be a memory.” truth, the holiest of their holy places. Hard times had forced them to Na’kiraw settled into the chair, moving his legs and back slowly the practical, however. Erecting signs to lure tourists onto their land, as if he were squirming his way into cushions. It seemed obvious the the Wa’Chenka had put on shows, demonstrating ritual dances, archery old man was soaking what warmth he could from the wood, posi - marksmanship, native crafts, anything that might bring in a dollar. tioning himself in the late noon sun to gather more. The conversa -
May 2005 19 tion between the four of them shrank to three as Na’kiraw made it corn-on-the-cob, Skyler’s broiled snapper with rice, with her sides of clear he was more interested in napping than anything else they butter beans and spinach, and Boles’ house salad and side of Melba might have to say. As the trio wandered away from the front of the toast and sliced lemons. The threesome made pleasant chatter until building, Blakely muttered in frustration. the fellow left, then got back down to business, eating as they did so. “Damn, kind of an unlucky break there.” The thing the professors most wanted to get from Skyler was a “Why?” asked Skyler. description of the creatures she and her group had been sighting. “We’ve got some kind of new creature running around here. Hesitation returned to the woman’s voice. Boles asked what the Pops there lives out here—right? He has to know more about it that problem was. anyone else.” “The problem,” she answered, absently twirling her fork in her “You’d think that, wouldn’t you?” When both men turned to spinach, “is that there is no one description of a thing. It’s things Skyler, the woman told them, “Believe it or not, Na’kiraw hasn’t seen we’ve been seeing. All shape and size of them.” the creatures. Or at least, he claims he hasn’t seen them. I tend to Neither man said anything immediately. Blakely held a still steam - believe him, though.” ing chicken breast gingerly between the thumb and forefinger of both “Well then,” asked Boles, “who is it that’s been making these hands. Boles gnawed at a large piece of raw broccoli, his eyes looking sightings?” somewhere far away. Blakely responded to the woman’s comment first. “That,” she admitted with a trifle of embarrassment, “would “Can you give us a ‘for-instance?’ Is there anything general to the be me.” descriptions people have been seeing?” When Skyler fumbled, not knowing what to say, the professor tried a different approach. l l “Okay, no problem. Forget everyone else who saw the thing, things, whatever, for the moment. Just tell us what you saw.” While it was true that Na’kiraw had so far claimed to have had no Kate stared at Blakely, her eyes unblinking, her face unreadable. encounters with the creatures, not only had Skyler seen the various The cryptozoologist pursed his lips, moving them first to the left, beasts, but so also had numerous members of her organization. As then the right. Still the woman said nothing, the uneasy look on her the trio sat at a nearby restaurant, the environmentalist told Blakely face growing more agitated. Understanding what was happening, and Boles all she knew. As she spoke, her head continued to dart Boles touched his napkin to his lips. back and forth, giving the obvious feeling she did not want their “Might I suggest the delay in your answering,” he said, breaking conversation to be overheard. the mounting awkwardness, “is because you simply don’t know “If you’ll forgive my asking, Ms. Skyler,” interrupted Boles, “is which thing to describe first?” there some reason for you to be nervous over telling us about this?” Skyler nodded, her hands starting to shake. As the two men “Sorry, but I don’t want people thinking I’m a nut case,” she watched, her hands grew more and more agitated, tiny flecks of replied. “I do have to live here.” spinach literally shaking off her fork. Boles reached across the table, “True enough,” agreed Blakely. “But you’re not the only person his fingers gently sliding the fork out from between her fingers. who has seen these creatures—correct?” “I’m sorry,” the woman said, her voice a ragged whisper. “I knew “No, but…” the hesitation in her voice choked along for a I was going to make a mess of this.” moment, then fell into silence. She looked up, her eyes moistening, mouth forming a pitiful, small “But,” Boles guessed politely, “all of the others who have wit - puckered line that seemed to get smaller with each passing moment. nessed anything have all been members of Friends of Wild Life— “I asked that any of the others meet with you,” she told the pro - yes?” Skyler nodded. Blakely pursed his lips. fessors. “I knew I couldn’t do this. They all begged off…” “Which means,” ventured the cryptozoologist, “people might be, “Hiding behind a woman…” growled Blakely. or maybe already are thinking that your organization is up to some - “Letting the boss do her job,” corrected Boles. thing.” The woman nodded sharply, her head down, teeth biting at “You’re right,” Skyler confirmed. “Can’t fault them for not want - her lower lip. ing to… not… it’s the remembering that’s… it’s…” The waiter chose that moment to return, setting up a standing And then, Kate Skyler began weeping uncontrollably, long and tray next to their booth. Clearing their soup and salad plates, he loud moans of pitiful anguish which defied her ability to control. passed around their platters, making the usual tip-boosting chatter Blakely reached over to take her hand, offering consoling words, as he did so. In seconds, he had Blakely’s crisp, double-battered whispering reminders about where she lived and whom she might not chicken and potato wedge basket out with its sides of applesauce and want to think of her as a nutcase. Skyler simply laughed at his efforts,
20 Nth Degree her fingers absently closing and unclosing. When they descended to at the realization, he merely enjoyed taunting Blakely so that when - her plate and started to tear her fish apart, the agitated digits flinging ever he finally succeeded in driving the larger man over the edge, it bits of oily snapper flesh about, Boles smiled. Squeezing the last bit of was always a letdown. flavor out of one of his lemon slices, he moved it carefully, making You should have been able to make that last another twenty min - certain to fill every crevice of a particularly good looking slice of utes, he chided himself. Smiling ruefully, he admitted that was a pos - tomato. Finally things seemed as if they might be leading somewhere. sibility, but that he had been having too much fun to contain him - self. Removing his glasses, he cleaned their lenses absently with his WA’CHENKA VILLAGE, at the ALTAMAHA RIVER, GA handkerchief, then slid them back in place. When he did, he found “Why have we come back here?” his view remarkably changed. “I told you, Dr. Blakely,” answered Boles in a reedy sneer, “as As the parapsychologist stood frozen in place, a trio of forms usual, no one is going to be able to help us. We need to see these moved out of the deep forest toward his position. They were all dif - things for ourselves.” ferent from one another, but familiar to Boles in certain general Blakely thought to reply, then stifled the impulse. Boles felt ways. One of them was remarkably cat-like. Though it seemed coat - Skyler had been unable to answer because she was simply too fright - ed with scales rather than fur, and was absent a tail, still, something ened to respond coherently. The parapsychologist explained he had of the feline permeated it. The thing was predominately green, a seen such behavior all too often in the past, where individuals expe - shining, reflective shimmer highlighting its reptilian skin. riencing hauntings could not describe events they had witnessed; “B-Blakely…” Boles’ voice was scarcely more than a whisper. He even families whose members had suffered through visitations did not mean it to be so, but he could not make it any louder. together sometimes simply could not relate what they had seen. Even The second was more like a badger, squat and low to the ground, over time, as the intruding forces battered away at their lives, often with great sabre-toothed fangs curling over its lower lip. The thing two people confronted by something beyond their ken would relate walked with a rolling gait, its bullet of a head turning from side to the details of the event so completely differently it was hard to side as its unblinking eyes scoured all directions ahead of it. Behind believe they had been in the same place. Or that they were not lying. it, the third thing came, a bulbous, misshapen creature, one covered Whichever was correct, however, Blakely did not want to argue the in long, red feathers. Great, apple-sized eyes protruded from its body point. It did not matter if Boles’ theory was correct as to why they had in six spots, all of them staring at Boles. no concrete description with which to work. What mattered was they “Blakely… ” The word hissed from the parapsychologist’s lips, the had no description—period. The more he had questioned Skyler, the sound of it so low even he could barely hear it. Boles shuddered, more hysterical she had become. Eventually the cryptozoologist had naked fear beginning to etch itself across his consciousness. He tried relented when she excused herself, allowing her to flee the restaurant. to ignore the terror, control the trembling in his legs, the shaking in “All right,” snapped Blakely. “So what’s your idea? We just go out his hands, but he could not. The trio of things had obviously seen and walk around all night until one of us stumbles across something him, had their attention focused on him. One by one they opened that we can’t describe?” their maws, stretching their jaws to their fullest, flashing teeth and “And people say you have no grasp of the obvious,” answered the fangs and appetites that were not bound to mere hunger. Frothing parapsychologist with a bubbly glee. “It is truly a pleasure working drool foaming over their lips, the trio began to advance toward Boles. with someone who, no matter how much education or how many They’re coming for you, his mind whispered, terror frosting the worldly experiences they might acquire, can still manage to maintain words, the painful cold of them eating at him. What do you want? a distinctly pedestrian manner.” Why are you not moving? Run you idiot—run! “Bite me, Boles.” He did. Boles spun about wildly, screaming as he did so. His arms “Note how easily the subject switches to alliteration…” wavering wildly at his sides, he bolted off in the first direction he could Blakely made a menacing motion with his fist that startled Boles find that did not lead him to the creatures. Not thinking, not capable enough to make him break off his chatter. The cryptozoologist made of thought, Boles’ voice strained and cracked as he shrieked, then sud - to speak, then thought the better of it. What could he say? What denly was cut off as he crashed headlong into a tree at full force. would be worth the breath? The parapsychologist rebounded from the hearty locust over two Deciding he had wasted enough oxygen on Boles for one day, yards, his feet not touching the ground as he traveled. He did himself knowing he did not want to hear even another syllable in the man’s far more damage than he did the tree, hitting the ground after his smug tone, Blakely stalked off into the night. Boles sighed, realizing brief flight with a bone-jarring force that left him gasping for breath. he had pushed his colleague too far once more. He did not feel guilty His arms scrabbled weakly, trying to lift him up, to drag him away,
May 2005 21 to turn him over, to somehow propel him along before the approach - “I, I don’t know.” ing things could reach him. Mercifully, he blanked out before any - “Yeah,” answered Blakely, looking around himself and off thing more could happen, his screaming mind shutting down even through the trees, “that makes two of us.” as the three figures drew closer. l l l l The next morning found the two professors investigating the area “Don’t move,” the voice was not a sound Boles wished to hear. Hands where Boles had experienced his confrontation. Blakely had made a worked on him, loosening clothing, brushing at his face. He struggled particular addition to his wardrobe, now wearing a holstered Sig Saur to open his eyes, a part of him wishing the insane trio of things had 9mm on his hip. The pair entered the forest following the markings done him in rather than leaving him to a worse fate than death. the cryptozoologist had made as they exited the night before which “Where are they?” he groaned sadly. His eyes blinking, he made allowed him to return to the spot where he had discovered Boles to sit up, but Blakely held him down with one solid arm. without any difficulty. Backtracking, they were able to discover the “I said ‘don’t move,’ and I meant it,” growled the cryptozoolo - spot where Boles had first spotted the creatures with equal ease. gist. “You’ve got thorns in your face and you’re covered with blood. “All right,” said Blakely. “That’s the end of your tracks. Now Now just keep still.” where do we find theirs?” Boles pointed. When he started to walk in “Where are they?” the same direction, his partner told him to stay where he was. “‘They’ being…?” “Let me do the moving,” Blakely instructed. “You just let me “They being the three twisted nightmares that sent me screaming know when I’m in the same spot they were. You could wander all into the night.” over looking for the spot, but our chances are better you’ll be able to Blakely laughed. It was a short burst, a noise more sympathetic tell when I’ve found it a lot faster—line of sight and all that. You just than cruel, but the sound of it made Boles go stiff. The cryptozool - tell me when I’m there.” ogist pried loose a particularly long thorn, fresh scarlet pumping free In but a handful of seconds the pair found the tracks of the crea - at its removal, running over the black crusts already streaking Boles’ tures. Blakely was able to separate out three distinct sets, finding evi - face. As Blakely worked, his partner described the trio of things he dence in the loamy forest floor that generally supported Boles’ descrip - witnessed. He gave over what details he could, surprised at his recall. tions. But, when the cryptozoologist tried to backtrace the tracks to “Why so surprised?” asked Blakely with honest interest. “You are their point of origin, or to follow them to wherever the beasts went a trained observer, for Christ’s sake.” after Boles ran into the tree, he found himself with nowhere to go. “So is Ms. Skyler,” Boles reminded. “And don’t point out that “What do you mean?” asked Boles. I’m more accustomed to things odd and terrible than she—I went “I mean there aren’t any more tracks. Oh, the things you saw, you a’whimpering just as she did.” saw ’em. They were standing right where you said they were. And “What I find more curious are the details you’re giving me. I they chased you along, just like you said. But…” Blakely rubbed at could do sketches from all you’re remembering.” his mouth, the fingers of his hand spreading across his face. “It’s as “And that’s a bad thing?” snapped Boles. if… it’s… it’s almost as if when you weren’t looking at them, the “No, just curious.” damn things weren’t there.” “How so?” Boles stared dumbly. “Where are you getting all these details from? It was pitch black, “Hey, I’m not wrong about this. The ground’s the same all across and you didn’t have your flashlight.” here. There’s no rock ridges they could’ve jumped to, no surface clay. Boles shook slightly, a small tremor that snapped his body rigid for Nothing. They just start, and then they just stop. Period.” an instant. His eyes narrowing, the question resounded within his mind. Blakely waited for his partner to say something. Too trusting of “I did see those things…” the cryptozoologist’s skills to argue with his conclusions, however, “I didn’t say you didn’t,” answered Blakely. “I just asked how you Boles found he had nothing to say. Oddly enough, it was Blakely saw them.” that made the next suggestion. Boles thought for a moment, then sat up weakly. Turning toward “You know, I’m beginning to wonder if this isn’t more one of Blakely, his mouth open as if to answer, he slowed, then closed his mouth your cases than it is mine.” again, his lips drawing into a thin line. He ran his tongue along the inside “Explain yourself.” of his front teeth, then made a small ‘tsking’ sound, answering softly. “Certainly. Since we came down here looking for ‘creatures,’ I was
22 Nth Degree working under the assumption that this one was going to be more my tions. He might dislike the parapsychologist, but he did respect the line.” Boles nodded in quiet agreement, expressing that he had been man’s abilities. The two rounded the teetering row of long-aban - thinking the same way himself. “But now I’m beginning to wonder. I doned gift shops and all the rest, heading for the modest home the mean, no one is seeing the same creature as the next guy, you see three Native American had made for himself years ago. As they different ones all on your own at the same time. People can barely approached the place, both men called out, but no answers were think about seeing these things without getting spastic, which you say forthcoming. As they arrived at the door, Boles said; is common in paranormal cases. Then, this whole thing with the foot - “Break it in.” prints, as if there was nothing there unless you were looking at it…” “What?” responded Blakely, more than a little taken aback. “Are you saying I imagined what I saw?” snapped Boles. “There’s no time to waste. Break it down.” “Possibly,” acknowledged Blakely. “But just because you imag - Slightly amused, Blakely reached out instead and simply turned ined them doesn’t mean they weren’t there.” the doorknob. The door slid quietly open. The cryptozoologist The two men went quiet. Each looked around him off into the smiled as Boles shoved past him, hurrying inside without a word. trees. What they were hoping to see, they did not know. As the quiet Blakely’s smile soon faded, however, as he stepped in behind him. of the wood curled menacingly around them, Blakely hurled it back They had found Na’kiraw. with a question. The old man was stretched out on his couch, breathing in raspy, “So, what do you think? Is this some kind of a haunting?” heavy gasps. He was covered with a thin blanket despite the heat, his “I don’t know,” answered Boles honestly. Sitting down on the one arm clawing at the air above his head. His eyes closed, Na’kiraw ground so as to be able to concentrate better, he said, “There are few of muttered some inaudible phrase over and over. It was not the old the signs of a traditional haunting. Of any kind of haunting, actually. man, however, nor the terrible sound of his breathing that captured To have this much activity in an area so open and empty… no, the spir - the professors’ attention. Indeed, to all intents and purposes, the pair it world needs human energy to work with. But, there’s no one here.” forgot about him almost the instant they saw him. “There’s Na’kiraw,” suggested Blakely. All about the room stirred an incredible assortment of unknown “Well, yes,” agreed Boles. “But he’s close to booking passage on creatures. The things Boles had seen the night before were there— the first cruise ship headed across the Styx, and hauntings are almost the shining, reptilian feline, the sabre-toothed bullet-headed beast, always accompanied by young people.” the bulbous one covered in red feathers. And more. Dozens more. “Really?” There were bat-like things hanging from the rafters, some all fang “Oh, yes. Most often girls, most often around the age of emergent and claw and smelling of death. Some were curled on the floor in puberty. Lots of psychic energy in the air for spirits to play with.” fearsome heaps, legged serpents with folds of skin tucked against their “Huummph,” answered Blakely sourly. “Not quite the case here. bodies appearing to be wings. A vast and powerful bear-like thing sat Na’kiraw’s about…” in the back corner, dragging its claws along the floor absently, sending The cryptozoologist broke off as he noted that Boles had slipped large curls of wood peeling upward with every stroke. into a trance. The parapsychologist was a licensed FBI field psychic— Eyes green and orange and yellow stared at the two professors. Blakely had come to respect his talent, erratic as it was. Sometimes Jaws opened and closed, tongues of all shapes and sizes and weights the moments of vision came upon Boles without warning; sometimes curled around fangs of every description. Blakely’s hand unconscious - he induced them on his own. Whichever one this was, the cryptozo - ly unfastened the strap of his holster. When he realized what he had ologist was determined to let him get all he could out of it. done, he began giggling, his mind highly amused at the comedy of Blakely started to walk over toward Boles—slowly, quietly—when his action. Boles’ eyes darted from thing to thing as he whispered; the parapsychologist stood up suddenly and instantly started running “I swear, I believe this proves Von Juntz’s doctoral thesis, one part back the way they had come. When Blakely shouted after him as to of it—” what he was doing, he was given no more answer than to “hurry up “What are you babbling about?” demanded Blakely. and follow.” Blakely caught up to his partner in the parking lot. “Von Juntz, The Origin and Influence of Semantic Magical Texts. “What’s going on?” snapped Blakely. “What did you see?” Can’t you hear Na’kiraw? He’s chanting. He’s causing this.” “It wasn’t a vision,” explained Boles, panting, gasping for breath. “But why?” asked the cryptozoologist, his hand still on his “It was more of a calling. We’ve got to get to Na’kiraw right away— weapon. “What is he causing? How is he causing it? What’s going on?” now. He’s dying.” “When Von Juntz was in school in the early 1800s, there were Boles began to stumble off in the direction of the elder Indian’s all sorts of random magics loose in the world—unexplained events, home. Blakely followed along, not bothering with any more ques - creatures—”
May 2005 23 “Sure,” agreed Blakely, “that’s when sightings of Bigfoot began. “True. Never saw them. Came when I was sleeping. Dreaming. So…?” The darkness… reaching for me… telling me to choose…” “Von Juntz offered one hypothesis for creatures like Yetis, or the Boles held the old man’s hand at the wrist. His pulse was fading Loch Ness Monster, things people continually see, but can never fast. Around them in the room, an agitated growling began to rumble. find. He said they were race memories of destroyed cultures, left The light piercing the windows flickered, phasing out as the darkness behind as reminders, or avengers, of peoples who were wiped from blurred, reaching for them. From beyond, an ebony voice called out in the face of the earth. vibrations more felt than heard. Languid purple sounds slithered “His theory was that the life energy of the last remaining mem - through the gathering shroud, advancing, clamoring, shrieking— ber of a people could be used to create such a thing. A memory of One of the solidifying things, an apeish beast with four arms, them. Of how they felt, how they wanted to be remembered.” brushed against the green scaled cat. A reptilian claw tore down the Blakely looked about the room again. A number of fanged mouths ape’s side, thick black ooze spurting from the parallel wounds. The seemed a great deal closer than they had been a moment earlier. ape pounded back in raging anger, but the cat had bounded away. “Yeah, well exactly how does this guy want to be remembered?” Others in the crowd bit and swiped and snorted at one another. An “I think we’ll have to ask him that question.” arc of blood splattered down from the ceiling, splashing against Boles moved a foot forward slightly, testing whether or not they Boles’ head, sloshing down over his forehead as he said; might be able to reach Na’kiraw. Blakely watched stunned, allowing the “Choose? Choose what? One of these things? Why? What for?” parapsychologist to move off several feet before thinking to follow him. “To be our memory. To remind people that the Wa’Chenka The two moved in inches, quietly, slowly, steadily. All across the way, ever existed.” hate-filled, unblinking eyes monitored their progress, always seeming Blakely pulled his weapon as the disturbances around them grew ready to pounce at any moment. Dust snowed down from the rafters, more intense. Boles bent close to Na’kiraw, struggling to catch his the agitation of the things hanging there sending down the decades of every word over the growing din of the creatures all about them. build-up. Low hisses and deep growls challenged their every movement. “Tribal elders, coming… demanding a choice. Many voices, “Na’kiraw,” whispered Boles, kneeling beside the couch, “can you scream for revenge. Death to the white man. Death to the pillager. hear me?” When there was no answer, the parapsychologist asked again; Death to the yellow hair…” “Can you hear me?” “What is he saying?” demanded Blakely as he used his 9mm to Again there came no response. The old man simply lay on his warn off those things showing interest in himself and Boles. couch, clutching his blanket, muttering his never-ending mantra. “He’s rambling. Not talking to us anymore. He’s talking to him - Back behind them, the professors realized that various of the things self. Dreaming, I think. He’s only verbalizing because we’re here had blocked the way to the door. Others were sliding across the intruding on his subconscious.” heavily curtained windows. A set of shelves crashed down from the wall, spilling the old “Na’kiraw,” snapped Blakely, out of patience and almost out of man’s collected treasures. The things that knocked them down courage, “wake up!” smashed the personal items into rubble as they tore and smashed at The command was shared by a vicious slap across the Indian’s each other in unthinking combat. face. Growls sprang from every corner, but nothing stirred as the old “Elders coming,” Na’kiraw repeated. “Elders coming…” man’s eyes blinked open. Before Na’kiraw could react to what was A fox-like beast tore the throat from the red-feathered creature happening, Blakely asked; with the terrible eyes. Acrid smoke filtered from the wounds, bleed - “Is there anything we can get you? Do you have pills? Should we ing across the floor. The long feathers dropped from the body one by call an ambulance? Can we—” Na’kiraw held up a silencing hand. one, floating in the thickening smoke. “Too late. My time. Too tired, don’t care anymore.” “Elders… elders here.” “Na’kiraw,” asked Boles, his voice tense and desperate. “Can you see As if commanded, several ghostly figures passed through the the things here in the room with us? Do you know what is happening?” front walls of the old building. Short, many of them seemed, but The old man blinked, straining to see. Sweat poured down his weathered of face and taut of muscle. They came in what looked like forehead and into his eyes, clinging to his moving lashes. With a pounded leather clothing, most of them adorned with shells and smile, he answered in a tired voice. beads and feathers. Old were their eyes. Gnarled were their hands. “The children of the Wa’Chenka. Come… come to take my Stern were their expressions. As the two professors watched, the fig - place. Our place.” ures walked silently across the room, moving toward Na’kiraw. One “But,” blurted Blakely, “you said you didn’t see anything.” by one, they came up to his resting place, and then they walked into
24 Nth Degree him, sinking inside his flesh, disappearing within his soul. school chancellor ranted for a while longer, but both professors stuck They came by the dozens, the scores, the hundreds. Every chief to their story, refusing to tell him anything else—though both and shaman of the Wa’Chenka from the first prehistoric days when remembered what happened quite clearly. When the ceiling had col - they had ceased being random creatures and became men instead. lapsed, the only remaining beast, the one chosen by Na’kiraw, Rude were some of them in stance and form, but they walked erect despite most of his ancestors’ wishes, flew above the two men and and their eyes shone with purpose. began beating its wings furiously. As it did, it created a dome of air As the last of them merged with the dying Na’kiraw, the beasts over the professors, enough to sustain them while the fire raged. As in the room continued to battle one another, tearing off limbs, goug - they clung to the old man’s corpse, sweating from the heat, they ing eyes, ripping hair out by its roots, biting, clawing, slashing. heard his disappearing voice in their heads. Blood of all kinds flowed. Brains were bashed, bodies were pulped— “The Wa’Chenka were never great warriors. Many argue for but nothing died. Not truly alive, the mashed remains continued to revenge, but revenge against who? Against what? Fearsome should struggle. Severed appendages dragged themselves along, grasping not be our memory. Small we were, fast we were, clever, but unno - blindly. Ruined bodies dragged themselves toward one another, ticed. Beautiful, but rarely seen.” fleshy mallets battering one another senselessly as the ghostsouls Finally leaving Pimms’ office, the pair waved at the flustered invading the old man demand he choose a champion. chancellor as his polished mahogany door closed behind them. As Blakely and Boles unconsciously shoved themselves up against they headed quickly for the hall, making to escape before Pimms Na’kiraw’s couch, straining to get as close to the old man and as far thought to come after them, Blakely said; from the children of the Wa’Chenka as possible. And then, when “Well, duty’s done and all that. What’dya say, Boles, want to go they were practically lying across his body, the old Indian sat bolt get a drink?” The parapsychologist’s eyes went wide for a moment as upright, his arms flinging upward. he considered his colleague. Before he could answer, Blakely added; “The choice is made!” “I was just thinking, maybe the two of us had better start trying The words leapt from his body, echoing through the rafters, to get along before we get into something… I don’t know, something reverberating through the old shack even as its owner fell dead to his where a little more teamwork might work better than the way we’ve cushions. The creatures and pieces of creatures gave out a great hiss been doing things so far.” in unison, and then began to burst into flames. “I’d really like to say something sarcastic,” admitted Boles, “but “Jesus Christ a’mighty!” shouted Blakely. “Now what do we do?” the simple truth is I think you’re right. It’s a thought that occurred Boles had no answer for his partner. The flames spread to all the to me as I watched the ceiling caving in on us.” walls and ceilings in an instant, trapping the two professors in the “I know what you mean,” answered Blakely, his tone quieter center of the room. On the outside, purple smoke leaked from every than normal. Chastised. “Com’on, I’ve got a bottle of Jack Daniel’s crack and opening. Flames ate their way through moments later and in my office—” the entire building was quickly covered, the torch mouth of it reach - “Green label, I hope?” ing for the clouds. The blazing ceiling caved in soon after. The fire “Yeah, that would be appropriate, wouldn’t it? Sure, the good spread to the other buildings quickly. Long before the fire trucks stuff, why not?” could arrive, the Wa’Chenka Village was reduced to cinders. As the two walked down the hallway, Boles ventured a comment bordering on the friendly. DUKE UNIVERSITY, DURHAM, NC “Heavens, who would have thought it? We’re almost Humphrey “Yes, yes, and then what happened?” Bogart and Claude Rains at this point.” “We came home to see you, Stonewall. That’s our job, isn’t it?” “Yeah, it could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship at that. “Yes, no, I mean,” Mr. Gordon S. Pimms went red, flustered in And if it isn’t, I’ve still got the pictures I took of you layin’ all his excitement. “But how did you escape the burning building?” sprawled in the forest with your face full of thorns and…” “We didn’t,” answered Boles in an almost bored tone. “The roof “You what?” caved in on us. Everything burned. Poof.” Boles sputtered at his colleague. Blakely laughed. The two men “But, but, butbutbutbut—” kept walking toward their liquid reward, however, and far away in “Ladies and gentlemen,” said Blakely, “the world’s first hot air- the deep wood, a hummingbird—one not fearsome but fast, clever powered motorboat.” but unnoticed, beautiful, but rarely seen, chirped in approval. “Now see here, Hugo…” Beating its emerald green wings, it flitted off into the forest, search - Blakely let loose a short laugh. Boles merely smiled quietly. The ing for the perfect spot where it could sun itself.
May 2005 25 LifeMemory by Johnny Eponymous
Johnny was originally concerned that “LifeMemory” may be too “dark” of a story. Illustration by Alan Beck I assured him that after killing off the entire human race in his last story (“Nutria”, Issue #9) anything else would seem light and fluffy. This is Johnny’s fourth appearance in Nth Degree. ames Gablin had turned one hundred at some point, probably and his thoughts. He squeezed back as best he could, though his arms last spring. He could remember April/May picnics that could were almost gone from the room, awaiting him somewhere else, per - Jhave been birthday parties from parents who faded from his haps. Martha held his hand still while Tyler walked around the memory, lost in an accident, or maybe dead of old age. Regardless, deathbed, leaned onto the dresser that had been his pirate ship as a child. he lost them long ago. They were close to him once, for a long time “I know, James. I know. Just be comfortable. Let me and the boys closer than he admitted, and then disappeared without a trace from be with you. You don’t have to fight anymore. We’re ready.” the photos that surrounded the bedroom. One hundred years old James nodded, leaned his head back into the pillow, and moved and still a great many questions that had only been half-answered. his gaze between his two sons. He thought that he would like to see Death, he thought, Death will be here soon. He had shed tears what they did with the years he had wasted. Maybe he would be when Martha was not in the room. He could not accept post-vital there, a ghost the family would blame missing cookies on. He’d get nothingness, but could understand no more than that as reward for to see the books they’d write, hear the stories they told to grandchil - a life well-lived. It was a trouble of faith; his heart had touched no dren. See his family’s run at nobility. music Heavenly, though he had found God a convenient discussion He closed his eyes as he began to feel the strongest pull of sleep partner when Martha was making dinner or crying on her own. deprivation. James could tell that there was something leading him, Today. It’s today. My death. My answers. Finally, MY answers. something stronger than himself, but less than the force that had cre - James gripped the edge of the bed, noticed that his wife, ninety-six ated the universe. He could still hear the sounds of a family watching and still she made breakfast every morning, was gone. James wanted their patriarch go bravely into a Shakespearean rest, but it was to call for her, tell her that he was ready to make the motion towards accompanied by the rhythmic rise and fall of machinery. His eyes the things he could never understand. He made no sound, just began burning as they reopened in the light of mid-afternoon sun off gripped the bed tighter as she walked back into the room as if he had of high gloss paint as he awoke a lifetime away in another bed. pulled the clap on some invisible bell. His seventy-year-old children “Mr. Gablin. Mr. James Gablin. I need you to say something. I followed behind her, each holding a hat that reminded James of trips need to know that you are fully back in the present. My name is with his father out in the fifties, when men wore such ornaments. Curtis. You are in hospice care in Santa Clara. I need to hear you She’s known all along. Martha had felt it before he had, may have say something.” even known the tears that asked his thought of God for answers. They James Gablin, forty-seven years old, dying of a disease he acquired must have arrived this morning: this morning that would be his last. and passed along to his wife in their tender moments of reconcilia - They came to his bed, and Martha took his hand, kissed it gently and tion. He could barely move, but his lungs were quite clear, his breath sat in a chair that she must have brought in while he was sleeping. He straightened and his mouth moist for the first time in his memory. noticed how much like the slow death scene in the movies it must have “I’m alive.” seemed: the chair and the children, the silent tears and the resolute stare The man in the white coat walked to his chart, checked all the num - of a dying man. He had no words for the audience, he hadn’t spoken for bers and looked into James’ eyes as he pulled down the lower eyelid. almost a month, the lungs no longer able to support both respiration “You’re alive and in hospice care, Mr. Gablin. You’ve just finished
26 Nth Degree the first LifeMemory program. You’ve been out for a little over an normal reaction for the first time user.” Curtis returned to the hour. Is your pain greater now than before?” machine, checking registers. “I can recharge the machine, reset the Something came into focus for James, his heart pounded heavy, as values and re-release you into LifeMemory, maybe set for fifty years? if he had been running for hours. He remembered his childhood, chas - It will only take a couple of hours.” ing Cassie Heartlet down Breen’s Hill to the water where they kissed, “Turn it off.” then walked back up with wet pant cuffs. He had breathed this hard on Curtis began working with the lower portion of the machine. the trip up the hill, but the pain had been far more distant than this. “You don’t want to go back in for a while?” “I’ve been ill?” James made to sit upright, though he had no strength to move at Curtis noticed that he had not answered the pain question, and all. Everything ran from him like a fire in a forest. He managed to pushed the button to release a very slow flow of morphine into his make the escape into a forceful declaration. system. He took James’ weathered wrist between his fingers and “No. I want you to turn it all off.” counted to himself. He turned to the machine at the side and turned Curtis paused. “I’ll get your wife. You should…” a few of the dials slowly, slightly raising the tone of the machine. James made no move, but he swallowed this time to speed the James had not noticed the tube that entered his chest below the arch process, to make his resolution known. of his meeting ribs. Curtis removed the silver band that lay across his “No. Just turn it off.” forehead, dangled it like a worm, laying it precisely back in the case Curtis had the authority to turn off the support. All the personal he had carried in his pocket. technicians had been given explicit permission to do so at request of “Yes. You’ve been here for the last three days. This was your first the dying, or as a safety precaution in case of serious troubles in the day on LifeMemory. You asked that we set it to one hundred years. mental world. Unexpected brain death necessitated bodily death for I hope it was a good hundred years. Do you need anything?” the most part, though the natural endings of the programs were sim - James did not move, finally feeling the weight of the clear tubes ply a way to disconnect the user. Curtis had yet to use his right, had in his body. Though his mouth was moist for the first time that he never even been asked if it was a possibility. He wanted to follow the could remember, he felt he needed to ask for water, for reality. procedures, make the patient consider his choices, take a path “Water. Can I have some water?” according to logic and the options available. Curtis went over to the small table where a pitcher sat. He “The pain you are feeling will go away if you go back into poured a glass of water for James, then walked it to the bedside. He LifeMemory. We could even do some scenarios where you can…” tilted it into James’ mouth. James did not swallow, but let the water “Just turn it off.” slide down his throat. Curtis went to the next step of training. James hadn’t seen “What is LifeMemory?” Martha in a hundred years. Curtis poured James another mouthful, tipping the cup deliberately. “I’ll get your family. You should…” “We are a service provided to people who are soon to leave us. James sunk into the bed. He spoke over his sudden loss of rigidity. We can speed your mental time, make an hour into a hundred years, “Turn it off. They were with me last time and it made no differ - a thousand years in theory, though a hundred makes for a more tra - ence. Turn it off now.” ditional life experience. The machine here is equipped with all your Curtis had to do it; the tape would reveal that the patient had life support as well as the GigaBooster to power the LifeMemory been advised properly and had made a rational decision. The rule experience. We want the patient to feel that he has found all the that held most firmly burned in his walk to the machine: In hospice, answers before it’s too late.” Curtis paused and walked to a cart, those who wish to die, may die. He squared himself to the machine, grabbed another cup. “I hope you made full use of your time.” set the water on top. Curtis inserted his key, turned the dials back James looked around the room, noting the lack of flowers. There down to the low settings, then flicked three switches. were a few cards on the table next to the bed, all of them the type you The sound stopped. would give to a co-worker you didn’t like who had been laid up. He The room was still, except for the sound of breath coming slower could read the name Hilary on the half-open card. He remembered and Curtis’ quick steps out the door into the waiting room. James Hilary Mandela, young and tan in 1978, and in this reality aging in heard Curtis calling for Martha, and little else. He stopped his sunlight after the loss of a husband she was better off without. breathing, willed himself to fall into that sense of dread he had felt “Who are you, Curtis? A doctor?” in the last years of his LifeMemory. Martha made it to his side and “I’m a LifeMemory technician. They make us train as nurses, took his hand just as he thought a final note to his life. He died with too. The feeling of confusion is typical. You are having a perfectly a smile, the brief pained smile of a man who had his answer.
May 2005 27 The New Semester Schedule by Allen Coyle Okay, it’s not science fiction or fantasy — let’s call it comedic suburban horror. It’s frightening just how much this reminds me of my own high school.
he first day of the new semester was always a cause for excite - “That’s what I was wondering,” Randall replied. “Why would ment at Willow Tree High School. Students fresh from they assign me classes I didn’t ask for?” He didn’t look thoroughly T Christmas vacation funneled in through the front doors, most convinced, however. with sullen faces. The front foyer was a scene of havoc, as students Charles saw the doubt in his friend’s eyes. sought to obtain their semester schedules at a mess of tables cluttered “Look dude, if you’re that concerned about it, why don’t you talk together by the library doors. to the guidance counselor? She’s the one you have to see to switch A young man named Randall Tenmin was able to snatch his sched - courses and stuff like that.” ule from the alphabetically categorized P-T table and worm his way to Randall looked up and nodded. “You’re right. She’d probably a corner of the foyer. He unfolded the paper and scanned it quickly, curi - take care of it if I asked her. I’ll have to make an appointment.” ous to discover if he had been assigned the classes he had signed up for. “No way,” Charles said. “March right in there and demand her “Oh no,” he mumbled, just as his pal Charles Wirsen sauntered service this very instant! These so-called school officials are paid with forth, glasses slipping forward on his pronounced nose, his jeans tax money. There’s no reason for you to revolve around their whims hitched up tight with the shirt tucked in. Randall and Charles, and schedules.” though they cared little, were looked upon as nerds by the general “Yeah, yeah, you’re right!” Randall said, his voice inflamed with school population. They didn’t dress, think or behave like normal passion. “My parents have to work their butts off just so they can teenagers. The concepts of school spirit and contemporary fashion throw their money into this black hole of bureaucracy. Why standards were alien to them. For the two boys, graduation from the shouldn’t I get immediate service?” mediocrity and stupidity that ran rampant in this backward school “Exactly,” Charles said. “If more students saw the situation from couldn’t come soon enough. that perspective, perhaps they’d be a little more hesitant to behave “Oh no what?” Charles asked, removing his heavy backpack and so subserviently.” letting it flop to the floor. He pushed his glasses back up his nose. “I’ll go talk to her right now,” Randall said, tightening his grip “This is all wrong,” Randall said, staring at the paper as though on the paper in his hand. “Thanks, bud.” he were deciphering a cryptic code. He looked up at Charles. “Let “That’s what I’m here for,” Charles replied. me see yours.” Randall twisted through the mass of students still without sched - “I don’t have mine yet,” Charles said. He nodded toward the ules and approached the door to the counselor’s office. He made his chaotic crowd. “I’m waiting until things cool down a bit. I’m in no way inside to the very cramped quarters and marched to the recep - hurry to get to class.” tionist’s counter. The elderly woman was busy typing something on “Look at this,” Randall said, holding the paper for his friend to her computer. see. His face was sour. “Look at the classes they gave me.” “I need to speak with the counselor,” he said, slapping his sched - Charles took the schedule. “PhysEd I, PhysEd II, Weight Lifting, ule on the counter. Introduction to Aerobics, Advanced Track, Overview of Popular “Just a minute,” she said, without looking at him. Randall waited Sports.” He broke into laughter as he handed the paper back to its as she pounded on her keyboard. owner. “Those are all P.E. classes, man.” The receptionist was just finishing as a girl barged through the “I know they’re all P.E. classes,” Randall growled, snatching the door and brushed past Randall. The older lady turned away from the schedule out of Charles’ extended hand. “I didn’t sign up for any screen and stood up. of them.” “How may I help you?” she said. “Don’t worry, man. It’s probably just a computer glitch.” Charles Randall made to speak, but before he could even open his didn’t seem too concerned. mouth, the girl beside him blurted: “I need to see the counselor right There was a hint of relief on Randall’s face. “You think so?” now. I just got a copy of my transcript and the grades are all wrong!” Charles shrugged. “I would bet on it. I mean, why would they “Oh, goodness,” the receptionist said. She motioned to the assign you classes you didn’t even sign up for? Not even the admin - closed door behind the counter. “Go right ahead, dear. She’s free at istration here is that cruel.” the moment.”
28 Nth Degree “Thanks,” the girl said. She heaved her backpack onto her shoul - talking about.” ders and made for the doorway. “Don’t give me that crap. If you’ve got a problem with me, spell “Wait, hey!” Randall sputtered. it out. I’m not going to be pushed around by the upperclassmen.” The receptionist turned to him. “Do you need help, young man?” The kid was so small he didn’t even look like he belonged in high “I need to see the counselor!” Randall exclaimed. “That’s what I school. He obviously had to be a tough-talking freshman trying to was waiting here for.” make up for his size. “She’s busy right now,” the lady said. “You’re going to have to “Look, why don’t you just lay off me?” Randall growled. He was make an appointment for later.” already in too sour a mood from his schedule conflict to deal with “But that’s ludicrous!” Randall said. “That girl came in after me this twerp. “I didn’t do anything to you, and I resent the accusation.” and got to see her first. The counselor wasn’t busy then!” “What the hell’s your problem?” the kid said, his eyes becoming “Well, she is now,” the receptionist said. “I’m afraid you’re simply even more fierce. They were almost glowing with rage. “I’m sitting going to have to make an appointment and come back later.” here waiting for my appointment with the counselor and you waltz “You’ve got to be kidding,” Randall said. in, stare at me, lie about it and then accuse me of doing something “You can fill out an appointment request form and I’ll submit it wrong. Just who the hell do you think you are?” to her as soon as possible. Just go to your first period class and we’ll “You know what my problem is?” Randall snapped. “When I was call you over the intercom when she’s available.” your age, I showed respect to those in the classes above me. Not out “But I can’t go to my first period class,” Randall said. “My sched - of some deep, heartfelt reverence. More out of the fear of getting my ule is all wrong and I need her to fix it.” ass kicked.” “You can wait until she’s free,” the lady told him. “However, the “Is that a threat?” the kid asked, dropping his backpack from his counselor has several appointments scheduled for today. The wait lap to the floor. “Are you saying you’re going to kick my ass?” probably wouldn’t be worth all the class time you’d miss.” “You seem like somebody who needs a good ass kicking to put “She wasn’t busy with appointments a moment ago!” Randall said. you in your place,” Randall told him. “And don’t be too shocked if “She’s busy now,” the woman replied. She looked as if her you get just that in the future.” patience was running short. “Do you want to fill out a form or what?” “So, you’re threatening to kick my ass,” the kid said, more stating “I’ll just sit here and wait,” Randall said. “If she has the time to than asking. “Do you know that’s considered hazing? I got a right to see that girl, then she can make time for me. This is ridiculous.” receive a public education without being harassed by students in “You need to watch your attitude,” the lady admonished him. “It higher classes.” can get you into trouble.” “Then quit harassing me!” Randall hollered, exasperated. “I Randall snatched his schedule from the counter and moved to didn’t do anything to you!” the waiting bench. He sat next to a small kid with greased black hair “What’s going on over there?” the receptionist called, craning her and a baby-faced scowl. neck to look at them. “What a crock,” he muttered, thrusting the paper into his back - “This guy’s trying to haze me,” the little shrimp declared. “He pack. His parents were forking over the taxes that paid these people’s specifically told me he was going to kick my ass.” salaries. He felt he was entitled to better service. “That’s a lie!” Randall exclaimed. “You little punk.” Randall glanced over at the kid sitting next to him, wondering if The receptionist was immediately standing over them. She glow - he was also waiting for an appointment. The young man gave him a ered at Randall. “Are you aware that hazing the younger students is sharp look. forbidden, young man?” “What are you staring at?” he snapped. “I didn’t do anything to this sniveling little twerp!” Randall “I, ah…” Randall stammered, jerking back. He shook his head. hollered, jumping to his feet. He pointed to the baby-faced fresh - “I wasn’t staring at anything.” man, now wearing a smug grin. “He started accusing me of staring “You got a problem?” the kid asked. His eyes were fierce. “You at him when I didn’t do jack!” don’t like the way I look or something?” “I think you need to see the vice principal,” the receptionist told “Dude, take it easy,” Randall said. “I wasn’t staring at you.” him quietly. “Your behavior in here is unacceptable.” “Now you’re lying. I just saw you staring at me with that stupid “This entire system is unacceptable!” Randall shouted. “First look on your face. You got the gall to give me dirty looks and then you let that girl go in ahead of me to see the counselor when I was lie about it?” here first. Now this little jerk is accusing me of harassing him. Randall put his hands in the air. “I don’t even know what you’re What’s next?”
May 2005 29 “You need to leave right now,” the woman said, taking a hold of “Are you the boy who just came from the guidance counselor’s his arm. “I won’t tolerate hazing or cursing under my watch. If you office?” Mrs. Conrad asked. refuse to go I’ll call the vice principal to escort you out.” “Yes,” he snarled. Randall shook her arm off. “Keep your hands off me. I’ll go “It was reported to me that you attempted to haze a freshman myself.” He narrowed his eyes at the kid on the bench. “You little student,” Mrs. Conrad said, her tone not necessarily accusatory, but punk. I deserve some respect.” more conversational. “I was also told there was quite a bit of swear - “Get to the office!” the lady screamed. ing involved as well.” Randall turned and kicked open the door with his foot and “My swearing was minimal,” Randall said. “The hazing charge, slammed it shut behind him, shaking the entire wall. He stomped to however, is bullshit. I never did anything to that kid. He started in the main administrative office, which was just down the hall. The on me.” crowd waiting for schedules had simmered down to a mere trickle of “It seems you have a definite proclivity to express yourself coarse - students. Most had already gone to their first period class. ly. I’m only going to remind you once to watch your language.” He barged into the office and plopped down on a seat in the “Sorry,” Randall said. He looked around at the various office per - waiting area. The woman behind the counter looked at him over the sonnel who were milling about. “You know, wouldn’t this discussion top of her glasses. be more appropriately held in your office, ma’am?” “Do you need help?” she asked. “My office is currently under renovation,” Mrs. Conrad “I need to see the vice principal,” he said. “The bitch across the explained. “In addition to enlarging the quarters to accommodate a hall sent me here.” lounge, I’m also having a fireplace installed for ambiance.” “Oh, okay. She’ll be with you in a moment.” The woman pushed “Wow,” remarked Randall. “Is that all coming out of your her glasses up her nose and turned back to her work. paycheck?” Moments later, Mrs. Conrad, a bulky, impressive woman with an The vice principal let out a jolly laugh. “Oh, heavens no! The air of dignity, sauntered into the waiting area. She had a notorious annual budget will cover all expenditures.” reputation for being one of the most hardcore vice principals in the “You know, my political history class last year could have used new history of Willow Tree High. Randall shivered when she entered. textbooks,” Randall said. “The ones we were issued were battered and “I got a call that a hazer and a curser was sent here,” she said, worn. I remember the copyright date was way back in the sixties.” looking directly at Randall. “Yes, well, all textbooks are evaluated prior to each academic “I’m not sure about a hazer, but we definitely have a curser,” the year,” Mrs. Conrad explained. “Many can still serve their function receptionist spoke out. “My ears were appalled by his mouth. He just even years after their publication. Besides, topics such as political referred to the woman across the hall as an F-word bitch.” history don’t tend to alter much with passing time.” “I did not!” Randall exclaimed. “Where did that come from?” “The Soviet Union no longer exists,” Randall pointed out. “Are you trying to lie about it?” the receptionist asked. “I just “That’s not relevant to the discussion,” Mrs. Conrad said. “I heard you say it not two seconds ago.” want to talk about this hazing incident that occurred earlier.” “It is decidedly inappropriate to utter the F-word in any circum - “I didn’t haze anybody,” Randall told her. “I’m dead set against stance, especially in school,” Mrs. Conrad said. “Students who curse hazing. I think it’s wrong.” in school under my watch are risking suspension.” “The receptionist told me she witnessed the incident,” Mrs. “I was misquoted!” Randall cried. “I didn’t say the F-word!” Conrad said. “I heard you with my own ears,” the receptionist said, looking “No, she didn’t,” Randall said. “The kid told the lady I was haz - adamant. “Don’t you dare lie and try to say different!” ing him. She never actually saw it.” “Enough! You’re both behaving like children.” Mrs. Conrad “So you’re implying that you hazed him?” looked miffed. “No!” Randall cried. “I didn’t do anything! The kid started going “He started it,” the receptionist said, pointing. off on me! I was just trying to ward him off. He wouldn’t stop.” “I said to knock it off.” The vice principal waddled over to the “So you resorted to hazing him.” seating area and settled down in a chair next to the troublemaker. “Jesus, no!” Randall exclaimed. She seemed to be carrying that typical why-don’t-we-just-have-our - “I already warned you about cursing, young man. I’m going to selves-a-little-chat attitude that most disciplinarians had when they have to write you up a detention for that.” were about to slam you for even the most minor infraction. The “Oh, c’mon!” Randall said. “That wasn’t a curse word. I said receptionist huffed and turned back to her work. ‘gee- whiz.’”
30 Nth Degree “I’m a devoutly religious person and cringe each time the Lord’s dered as the haunting memories percolated through his layers of name is used in vain. I also certainly don’t appreciate being lied to.” mental barriers. She took out a pad and pen and started scribbling furiously on it. Not left with much choice, he quietly slipped inside. Darting “That’s two now.” like a mouse, he rushed for the bleachers and took a seat, hoping that “I seriously didn’t do anything wrong!” Randall declared. He he wouldn’t be noticed. unzipped his backpack and dug for his schedule. “All I wanted to do Noticed he was. The gym teacher, a gruff and buff man named was to get my classes fixed. I just picked up my schedule this morn - Mr. Roberts, halted the morning exercises and stopped to look at ing and everything’s all wrong.” him. The rest of the class did the same. “Well, that’s a matter for the guidance counselor, not me,” Mrs. “Who are you, young man?” he asked. It sounded more like a Conrad said. She tore the two detention slips from her pad and hand - military command than a simple question. ed them to him. “You’ll have to make an appointment with her.” “I, ah…” Randall looked at the faces of the students. They were Randall felt like he was going to explode. “I tried to make an mostly athletes in supreme physical condition. Their mere presence appointment! This girl cut in ahead of me—” was harrowing. “I’m… Randall Tenmin.” “What I suggest,” Mrs. Conrad said, interrupting him, “is that “Are you supposed to be in this class?” you go to your first period class and attempt to make an appoint - “Well, technically yes,” he said. His voice echoed across the ment with the counselor during lunch.” expanse of the room. “But, I have a slight glitch with my—” “I don’t want to go to my first period class!” Randall hollered. “If you’re in this class, you need to immediately dress out and “It’s a P.E. class! They’re all P.E.! I hate P.E.!” join us for morning stretches. There’s uniforms in the locker room. “Don’t you dare raise your voice to me! Do you want another We’ll expect you in two minutes.” detention?” “Well, wait, see sir, I’m not really in this—” “You can’t make me go to class!” Randall said. He was pleading “Two minutes. That’s a hundred and twenty seconds.” Mr. like a little kid, and it made him sick. However, it was his last resort. Roberts looked at his watch. “Now it’s nineteen… eighteen…” “I will not allow you to stay here in the office. If you don’t go to “Sir,” Randall stood from the bleachers, “you’re not listening, class this very instant, I’ll mark you as truant.” see—” “Mrs. Conrad, please, you have to understand—” “You exceed two minutes and you’ll be doing ten laps around the “My understanding is that in one morning you have hazed a fel - gym. Seventeen! Sixteen!” low student, lied about it, cursed and raised your voice to me. Now Randall flew. you’re threatening to ditch class. The way I see it, young man, this meeting is over.” * * * “I can’t go to that class,” Randall said, his voice soft now. He looked at her with a beggar’s mournful eyes. “I’ve been in P.E. before. The class found themselves on the track outside. It was the middle It’s torture. They make you dress out in a little suit and change with of winter and all they had for clothing were extra short shorts and the other guys. It’s… demeaning.” thinly lined shirts. Everyone huddled together and shivered. Mrs. Conrad raised her pen and held it above her detention pad, “You wussies!” Mr. Roberts screamed, though he himself was ready. “I’m waiting.” dressed in a full sweat suit. “Line up at the starting line! I’ll warm “Jesus,” Randall sighed, getting up from the seat and shoving his you up!” crumpled schedule into his backpack. “I can’t believe this.” Everyone reluctantly obliged. Randall took the rear. “That now makes three detentions.” The vice principal quickly “You’re going to be running two miles!” Mr. Roberts screamed. scrawled again and handed him another slip. Randall snatched it and “That’s eight laps! Anyone who slows their pace will get my tennis shoved it into his pocket. shoe up their ass! Got it?” “Thank you,” he snarled. He jerked his bag onto his shoulders The class mumbled. and took his leave. Mr. Roberts blew his whistle. “I can’t hear you, maggots!” “GOT IT!” everyone screamed. * * * “Go!” Mr. Roberts hollered. The class took off in a sprint. Randall lagged behind. He wasn’t in shape for this. He was a seden - Randall timidly opened the gymnasium door and peeked inside. The tary scholar, not a track star. class was standing in neat rows performing calisthenics. He shud - The teacher took a seat on a lawn chair at the side of the track.
May 2005 31 He popped open a beer, settling back to watch his pupils. He noticed hollered: “Move!” Randall sluggishly jogging and blew his whistle. “Tinman! Quit Screw this! Randall had had enough. He felt a renewed surge of dragging your ass! Move!” energy move through him. His limbs and strength were suddenly “Dammit!” Randall cursed. He tried to run faster. Everyone else restored. His breath came back and the exhausted fog in his mind was way ahead of him now. His sides were already aching, his stilt cleared. He broke out in a mad dash, running faster than he had ever legs burning with exhaustion. What was this, a torture session? He run before. wasn’t designed for this crap. Right in the direction of the school building. Mr. Roberts took another large gulp of beer. “Move it, shit- “Tinman!” Mr. Roberts flung his chair, but it didn’t even come sniffers!” close to its fleeing target. “Get back here!” Everyone else took on an extra But by the time the teacher had burst of speed and raced. The class as screamed the last word, Randall was a group had already completed one already in the school. lap. Randall had yet to complete half “I’m not sure if you of one. understand the scope * * * “C’mon!” the teacher screamed. He shook his fist from his lawn chair. of the situation,” Randall barged out of the gymnasium “You’re all pathetic!” before Mr. Roberts had a chance to Randall’s lungs were burning with Miss Mollion said. catch up with him. He didn’t want to the sting of the icy winter air. His risk certain death. Scampering down body felt like it was deteriorating and “If you don’t take these the hallway, he plunged into the coun - coming apart. He reached the halfway selor’s small office, avoiding Mrs. point. There was no way he could do classes, you won’t Conrad and any other administrators eight of these things. The man graduate on time. who might be prowling about. couldn’t be serious. The receptionist was mysteriously He eventually made it to the three- They’ll hold you back gone and the waiting quarters unoccu - quarter mark. The mass of students pied. The door to the counselor’s actu - overtook him and left him in a cloud another year.” al office was closed. Randall rapped of dust. They easily finished their sec - his knuckles on it, knocking loudly. ond lap. “Come in,” a voice called. “Tinman, you’re going to be doing Randall shot in and took a seat in push-ups if you don’t get going! Move it!” front of the woman’s desk. “Shut up, dumbass,” Randall muttered. He knew he had to look The counselor looked up from some papers and gave him a stupid doing this. Here he was, in the middle of one of the coldest funny look. “May I help you?” months of the year, dressed in ripped shorts and a mangy shirt, run - “I have a major problem,” Randall told her. He was still out of ning around a track. If anyone halfway intelligent saw him, they’d breath from escaping P.E. cry their eyes out laughing. “You’re supposed to have an appointment to see me, you know,” “Tinman!” the woman told him. “I’m afraid you’ve interrupted me at a very Randall made it to the starting line. Lap two. He passed Mr. busy time.” Roberts, his pace growing slower and slower. “I have a problem with my schedule and I was hoping you could The teacher crumpled up his empty beer can and hurled it at fix it,” Randall said, ignoring her remark. He removed the battered Randall like a football. It struck his back with brute force and stung. piece of paper from his backpack and slid it across to her. She took “God!” Randall screamed, curving into a “C” shape. His arms it from him, still wearing the funny look. “They gave me all P.E. flung behind him. classes. I didn’t sign up for any of them.” “It’ll be a rock next time if you don’t move your sorry ass!” Mr. “Really?” She scrutinized the document, appearing interested. Roberts screamed. It was amazing how his voice never seemed to get “Really. If you could just find the glitch in the computer and fix sore. It was also amazing that he was in such supreme physical con - it, you’d save my life.” dition when all he did was sit there. For the millionth time, he The counselor—whose name was Miss Mollion, as indicated by
32 Nth Degree the plaque on her desk—pursed her lips as she studied the schedule. ask you a question? Are there any classes that you do like?” “These are all P.E. classes,” she remarked. “Any classes that I do like?” Randall repeated, his voice rising. “Yes, I noticed that,” Randall said dryly. “Is there any way you “Sure, there’s several: I like English, history, geography, computer can fix them?” programming, structural engineering, recess, lunch, even some She looked up at him. “Fix them? How do you mean?” math, but nothing having to do with P.E. or science! On the whole, Randall closed his eyes. “I don’t want any of the P.E. classes. I don’t really think I’m that picky.” What I want are the courses I signed up and registered for over a Miss Mollion shook her head and placed an elbow on her desk. month ago.” “Well, I’m not sure what we can do. All the other classes are full, and “Did you fill out a course request form prior to Christmas break?” there’s no way I can squeeze you in. P.E. and science are the only Miss Mollion asked, shuffling through loose papers on her desk. courses available.” “Yes, I did,” Randall said. “And I’m always very punctual about “Well, I’m flexible,” Randall said. “I’m sure I can work some - getting things in on time.” thing out. How about me taking adult ed for a semester?” “Well, if you failed to submit a form, the error would be Miss Mollion shook her head. “Not an option. That’s for adults.” explained,” Miss Mollion said. “The computer randomly assigns “Well, what do you call me?” Randall asked. “I’m eighteen. classes for students who haven’t submitted forms.” That’s the legal adult age the last time I heard.” “I submitted the form,” Randall growled. “You’re what we call a young adult,” Miss Mollion said. “You’d “Well, this situation would suggest otherwise,” the counselor be ineligible for adult ed.” said. “In any event, however, let me just see if I can erase your cur - “I can enlist in the army, for God’s sake!” Randall exclaimed. “I rent schedule and slip you into some new classes.” She turned toward can be picked to serve and possibly die for my country. Doesn’t that her computer and started clicking buttons. entitle me to enlist in adult ed?” “I’d appreciate that,” Randall said. He sighed and leaned back in “You can’t drink alcohol,” the counselor pointed out. his chair. This day was just too much. “What does that have to do with anything?” Randall said, look - Miss Mollion brought up Randall’s file and started typing. She ing confused. “You’re saying you have to drink alcohol to be an adult seemed to know what she was doing, which was unusual for a ed student?” school employee. “Most of them do,” the counselor explained. “That’s how they “I think we may have it,” she said, after a few moments had ended up there in the first place.” passed. She clicked a button and her printer churned out a single Randall let out a heavy sigh. His head was throbbing. piece of paper, which she handed to Randall. “Are those classes a lit - “Look,” he said. “I seem to be running out of options here. You tle better?” can’t tell me there’s no way to squeeze one extra student into these Randall took the schedule and studied it. He didn’t need to look other classes. One person isn’t going to devastate the fire codes.” at it for long. Miss Mollion shook her head. “There’s no way. If the computer “This isn’t going to work,” he said, holding the paper out for says the class is full, then it’s full. End of story.” her to take. Randall muttered some words under his breath The counselor looked confused. “Why not? I got rid of all the Miss Mollion looked at the new schedule. “As far as I can see, P.E. classes.” you’re either going to have to take the science or the P.E. classes.” “Let me read the new list,” Randall said. He held up the paper. Her face suddenly brightened. “Or, if you want, I can create a mix - “Biology I, Chemistry, Oceanography, Intro to Physics, Earth ture of both so you don’t have all of one or the other.” Science, Geology.” Randall squirmed, his face pained. He shook his head. “So?” the woman asked. “I can’t do that,” he said. He appeared sad all of a sudden. A real - “So? These are all science classes!” ization had suddenly struck him, one so powerful and so strong, it “Well, what about it?” Miss Million wanted to know. “They’re was almost an epiphany. the only classes available.” “I’m not sure if you understand the scope of the situation,” Miss “But I hate science!” Randall exclaimed. “These can’t be the only Mollion said. “If you don’t take these classes, you won’t graduate on open classes!” time. They’ll hold you back another year.” The counselor looked slightly affronted. “Let me get something Randall sighed and shook his head once more. “I can’t do it.” straight. You come in here complaining about P.E. classes, and then The counselor gave him a sharp look. “You must!” when I try to help you, you complain you don’t like science. May I “Ma’am, I’m tired,” Randall said, his voice weak. “I’ve been slav -
May 2005 33 ing away here trying to maintain a good GPA and to get into a ing the exit. respectable college. This last semester was supposed to be my best. “Miss Mollion just told me what you did,” she said. “I won’t have None of this was supposed to happen.” any of it.” “What are you saying?” the counselor asked. “Huh?” Randall said. Randall peered up at her with gloomy eyes. “I want out. Now. I She handed him a piece of paper. “Your new schedule. We decid - can’t do this anymore.” ed to overrule the computer and put you in the courses you want. I “Out?” she said. “You don’t mean—” won’t tolerate quitters in my school.” “Yes,” he said. “I want to withdraw, dropout, whatever you call Amazed, Randall studied the schedule that had been handed to it. I just can’t deal with this kind of thing anymore. The bureaucracy him. It contained the classes he had wanted. is too much. I had big plans for this final semester of mine, and now Speechless, he looked up at the vice principal. She put a hand on they’re crushed. When it comes down to either P.E. or science, I have his shoulder. to take the third option of simply calling it quits. I’m not angry at “Staying in school is the only option, Mr. Tenmin. It’s a vicious you. I’m just disappointed with the system.” world out there.” Miss Mollion stared at him with an open mouth for the longest “Does this mean I’m still a student?” Randall croaked. time. She didn’t know what to say. Randall’s lips quivered, but his Mrs. Conrad smiled. She actually smiled. “Yes. We figured one eyes looked like stone. He was a defeated man. extra student per class couldn’t violate fire codes.” “If that’s your choice,” the woman said slowly, her arm creeping She guided him down the hall to the locker he had just emptied out. toward a drawer. She halted abruptly. “But, are you sure?” “However,” she said, “I will still be expecting you for detention “I’m sure,” Randall said. “Just give me the forms and I’ll fill at three o’clock sharp this afternoon.” them out.” Randall gaped. “I still have the detentions?” “Okay then,” she relented, opening a drawer and extracting “Of course.” some loose papers from it. She placed them on the desk in front of “What a crock,” he muttered. Randall. “After all, you are a legal adult.” “And that makes a fourth.” She took out her pad and started “That I am,” Randall said. He extracted a pen from his pocket scribbling on it. “Welcome back, Randall.” and got to work filling out the forms. It was the last bureaucratic obstacle he would have to go through as a student in this school. He Do you like comics? finished and slid the papers to the counselor. Well, so do we! “Okay,” she said, after a quick review. “Your signature declares you are no longer a student in this school. You’re a free man.” “It’s actually a good feeling,” Randall said. He stood to leave. The Comic Book Novice “You’re sure you don’t want that diploma?” she asked, stopping presented by WGBB 1240 and M.F.C. Studios him in his tracks. He turned toward her. “It’s just a good thing to have… these days.” Every Thursday night “Ma’am,” he said, giving her a little grin, “when a man escapes WGBB 1240AM from prison, he doesn’t ask for a certificate. The joy of freedom is all 9:00 - 10:00 PM EST he needs.” He took his leave. Miss Mollion was speechless. A lively call-in talk show with guests, * * * professionals from the field, and the occasional contest. It was almost sad emptying out his locker and removing the few items it contained. Sad, but not tear-jerking. It felt like the end of 631-955-1240 or 516-955-1240 an era. Well, that’s exactly what it was, really. Just without the cap Listen, call, tell your friends. and gown, the relatives and the sacred diploma rolled up and tied with ribbon. Now online at Randall trudged to the front doors, his spirits crestfallen. He www.am1240wgbb.com or listen anytime stopped abruptly when he saw the bulky mass of Mrs. Conrad block - at http://www.cosmiclandscapes.com
34 Nth Degree Richmond, VA April 21-23, 2006
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May 2005 35 Words to Live By by Sheryl Nantus
This is Sheryl’s first appearance in Nth Degree; she has previously Illustration by J. Andrew World been published in Quantum Muse and FiftySomething Magazine.
h, a visitor! No, no don’t be surprised. We get a lot of them defenses against… well, nobody. The preliminary surveys had shown about this time of year, when the freighters have room for nothing larger than a whatterwhip for miles and that was hardly Atourists and family to visit. And I know you’re not family enough to build a fort for. Not when you can catch a dozen, roast ’cause you’re looking at the statues. them up and still have room left for a burkleberry pie. Oh, the gift Beautiful, hmm? I tell you, you won’t find workmanship that shop also has jars of burkleberry jam for sale as well. Just don’t fine between here and Mars and Earth. And after all these years, as declare it to Customs. breathtaking as ever. That white granite just holds the eye so well… But Eric, well… he was determined and eager to get this thing and if you’re interested, there’s a wee ’lil gift shop at the spaceport built. He even put together a little display in his house, calling every - that sells miniatures for you to take on home. one in to see it and sell them on the idea. It was a pretty thing, all I can tell that you’re confused. After all, who would put up two made up of spare metal and wood and the cutest little stick men… identical statues at opposite ends of the square? Don’t be embar - oh, the original one’s in the Museum but there’s also kits you can buy rassed; you’re not the first nor will you be the last, I figure. We actu - and make up at home, of course. For ages 3 to 300; fun for all. Sales ally have a scoreboard back at the hotel. Really. And for a small fee tax extra. we’ll take a pic of you standing right there with your own piece of So, for the off-season he gathered some of the men around him local history. Oh, but I digress… and started to build the walls that used to surround this city. You can It all started decades ago when the first set of colonists came still see some of the original wall in the Museum—we had it trans - down here to try and scratch a living out of the soil at this edge of planted when the city outgrew the walls, of course. Now, don’t get the continent. Well, that’s what the history books say but we know the idea that everyone was jumping at Eric’s idea—it was mostly out that the ground was so fertile that the first crop enabled them to sit of boredom that the men started working for him. After all, with a back and enjoy a hearty feast much like your grand old Thanksgiving full stomach and most of the women already expecting, you need to festival back home. But, like everyone else, leisure time leads to lazi - put that energy somewhere. Did I mention that we also have the best ness and a lot of talking space garbage. fertility clinics in the sector? Not that I think a manly man like your - One fellow, Eric Bytoff was convinced that we needed more self would need any help, but if you have any friends…
36 Nth Degree His main opponent was a quiet fellow called Chu, Yu Chu. itage. Hey, I never said they had a great sense of humor, right? Well, Seriously, that was his name. Well, what was on the passenger roster he went up and out there all by his lonesome that same night and at least. Rumor has it that he was a scientist or a librarian of some negotiated a way for them to save face and get some of our harvest. sort who just sought a quiet place to live out the rest of his life; aton - No one looked bad, no one looked like a hero—and it started a ing for some sin or other. Probably one of those religious things. friendship between the two colonies that lasted to this day. And Whatever you believe, he was definitely not a fighter and even less of before you ask, Eric wasn’t that upset at all. Given a choice between a ditch digger, which is what Bytoff wanted. killing fellow Earthers and not killing them, he would have rather And, as you can guess, there was a lot of yelling and a wee bit of not. Whatever you may read about him, Eric Bytoff wasn’t stupid. He pushing between the two factions—one wanting to build the fort knew blood spilt now would travel for generations, as we all know. during the downtime between harvests and the other wanting to Actually, you can buy a reproduction of his original journal at build useful buildings like a school and library. No one was ever real - the shop as well. Quotes lots of military men, Sun Tsu and the rest ly hurt, but a lot of mouthwork, as you can guess. of them. Leather-bound. Well, not really leather, but the bark off the It only took another season for both contigents to have what they jukujub tree is just as good. And very reasonably priced. wanted, in spite of themselves. Eric had his walls surrounding the Oh, I see you’re still confused. The two identical statues and all. colony and Yu had not only managed a library and a school, but also Well, of course everyone wanted to make a big event out of this. a general meeting hall for the democratic process to muddle through Some wanted to put Chu on the honor roll for his sweet talking the banalities that every colony has to deal with. Oh, our first town ways; some heralded Bytoff for building the defenses that allowed meeting minutes are for sale at the shop as well—laminated and Chu to get it done in the first place. Almost came to blows over that everything. Very nice for that person you want to give something to quite a few times as it was discussed and talked over both in and out but not really anything expensive, if you get my drift. of the meeting hall and the local bars. And let me tell you, a few The funniest thing was that Chu claimed to be descended from glasses of the muskta and you’ll be arguing both sides of a double- the Mongols—you know, those great warriors in the history books? sided coin. By the way, you’re allowed to take two bottles with you And he turned out to be the most peaceful colonist around… but off-planet, but I know for a fact that three won’t be noticed and four, I digress. well… just make sure you have a little extra coin and all’ll be well. Second year it hit the fan, so to speak. The harvest was great and Finally the agreement came down that both of them were heroes once again the storage tanks were full, but word spreads when you in their own way and had to both be commemorated. Remember, get a good break. And the second colony that had come down on the back then people everywhere, especially back home, were eager for a other side of the continent hadn’t been so lucky. good story and getting the positive vibes that a story like this would It was nothing more than bad luck, sure of that. There was no give. No one likes to read about colonists killing each other when big secret plan to put them into a bad harvest year, no conspiracy they can read about destroying ancient civilizations. despite what the what-if historians want to say. Bad soil, bad farm - But then the fighting over the monuments started up—you ing, bad luck—whatever you wanted to blame it on, they had little know, what to make and how to make it and what to put on it… too to nothing and we had a lot here to spare. many options, as you can imagine. Some wanted a kind of obelisk; I see you jumping ahead of me here—seeing a whole lot of fight - some wanted their images engraved on the Tastala Cliffs… person - ing and yelling and dead bodies, hmm? Well, I hate to disappoint ally, I don’t think that would have looked too good with all the venc - you and the rest of the tourists, but it didn’t work out that way. Good try crap on them, but no one asked me. And I wasn’t alive back then thing too, when you figure that our last two Planetary Governors can either, so… trace their ancestry back to the other colony. Finally an agreement came down. Two identical statues at oppo - When they came over the hill and saw the defenses put up by site ends of the Square so that both men could be equally honored Bytoff, they backed off quickly. Even the most eager of them had no for their individual skills and accomplishments. It was even put into wish to die by another Earther’s hand, no matter how bad things the official City Charter than neither man would be exalted over the were. So they sat down there at the top of the hill and wondered other in order to maintain a balance between physical force and what to do, knowing their families were going to starve if they did mental prowess. nothing. But going back with nothing… well, it was a choice to So it was written at the bottom of both statues and in our official starve here or starve there. Charter: Never Bytoff more than Yu “Khan” Chu. First one with a solution was our own “Khan” Chu. That was the Hey, where are you going? nickname that he had picked up between his gentle ways and his her - Hey!
May 2005 37 RIVER OF EYES GOING NOWHERE BOB GOES TO ALPHA -C ENTAURI BY JOEY FROEHLICH I’m at the They say River of eyes I have the Going nowhere, Eyes of a robot I mean, I just hope This is a pretty My friends Weird crowd. Aren’t playing Some of these A joke on me. Eyes look Deader Than hell. And that’s Probably more Than enough In this stagnant River of red Bloodshot, eyes Going nowhere.
ZOMBIE LOVE BLUES (T HE RE-A NIMATION ) by Mike Allen
Well I luv yer soft squishy rottin’ face An’ the way yer flesh droops all over the place I’d-a kiss ya right to show ya mah luv If-a only my lips wouldn’ keep fallin’ off (C’mon bay-bee do th’ Re-An-i-may-shun)
Well I luv yer peelin’ scalp an’ yer putrid charms When I-a held yer han’ it broke off-a yer arm I’d-a luv to jump yer bones in the back-a mah car But I’m afraid my fambly jewels would-a fall apart (C’mon bay-bee do th’ Re-An-i-may-shun)
To dance with-a you is so dee-vine It makes all th’ vertebrae pop from my spine Yer sweet kisses ferment like-a wine Ain’t nuthin’ like a luv long past its time (C’mon bay-bee do th’ Re-An-i-may-shun)
Illustration by Bob Snare 38 Nth Degree
Friends and Food by Sandy Parsons
“Friends and Food” feels a bit more like a good beginning than a complete story, but I liked the aliens so much that I just had to share them with our readers. Read into that what you will. checked the address on the crumpled piece of paper as I stepped into a denim jacket and the lizard-like tail had been contorted into from the cab. I hadn’t been to this bar before, much less to this part a sort of bun against her back. The lower set of eyes was ringed with Iof town. But Juvy asked me to come. And when Juvy asks me to blue makeup and the feather boa shaded the upper set. Sparkly ear - go somewhere I go. rings dangled from vestigial earlobes. Something akin to stilettos I peeled open the dilapidated door and almost keeled over from wobbled beneath the clawed feet, but the worst, by far the most the smells. Smoke, sweat and something like citrus soaked in lighter incomprehensible sight, was the stockings. Mottled skin dripped like fluid circled around me. I squeezed onto the only barstool left and candle wax through the diamond mesh, and the nylon squeezed and scanned the tables for Juvy. The place was crowded for a weeknight. stretched around the warty thighs, sagging and baggy at the knees The bartender tapped me on the shoulder. and hindquarters. “I’ll just have some water,” I said, only half-turning. I’d always considered myself a leg man until then. I’d never seen He scratched the stubble on his neck. “Two-drink minimum.” one of the fulgur queek in person, much less in drag. I shuddered a “What? Oh. Well then, a beer I guess.” little when the alien waddled around and I caught sight of the He nodded, satisfied that I had come into line. Then, as if to zigzagging seam along the back of its legs. It took me so long to mollify me, he leaned in close and spoke from the side of his mouth, recover from my shock that I hadn’t noticed the singing. I think it “The little tart’s worth it. But the alcohol doesn’t hurt either if you was “Strangers in the Night ,” but with all the squealing and grunting know what I mean.” it was impossible to be sure. I didn’t, but I smiled and took a big swig, raised the bottle in his I was on my fourth whiskey sour when Juvy showed up. direction. Come on Juvy, I thought. This better be good. “Isn’t she great? I’ve been dying for you to come out and see her.” The crowd was getting thicker, and the pitch in the background Her head swung to the side and her eyes rolled back as she empha - noise quickened in urgency. The house lights dimmed and the stage sized the word dying. lights came up, momentarily blinding me. There was loud clapping, I gestured somewhat shakily at the stage. “So, this really is what then hoots, then a hush as the curtains parted. I took a drink and you wanted me to see? I thought it was some kind of joke.” gagged as my eyes took in the sight before me. She laughed, and as she slid into a barstool and stretched her The alien was smaller than on TV. Her upper body was stuffed long legs I began to recover a bit from my revulsion. “So, why’d you
40 Nth Degree want me to come out here?” Juvy never let me down before. I decided to be optimistic. “What “To see the act for one. Didn’t you think it was phenomenal?” are we having?” She leaned in and her voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper. “To “Ah, that’s the surprise. But I’ll tell you this much. It’s something be honest, I didn’t even know they could make human sounds until you’ve never tried before.” I saw her perform.” “The last time someone told me that I got arrested.” “So what? Does this have anything to do with the big case you’ve She smiled wickedly. “No one told you to take all your clothes off.” been working on? Wait, don’t tell me, you’re representing the fulgur I started to argue, but my mouth suddenly began to water so queek.” I laughed, warming to my joke. I held my hand up, as if much I couldn’t open it without fear of drooling. I felt light-headed reading a newspaper headline. “I can see it now, Juvy Mallowtine from the aroma. I inhaled deeply, and my stomach, if it could, would inks million-dollar contract for flabby life form.” have cried with joy. “That’s way too long for a headline. And Marilyn isn’t flabby, Juvy rubbed her hands together in anticipation. “I think they she’s germinating or something.” braised it this time.” “Germinating? Who’s Marilyn? Oh wait, you aren’t serious. I was I wasn’t listening to her. There was sizzling. There was steam. only kidding about you representing those… them… the aliens. There was a plate in front plying my nostrils with a delicate yet pun - Aren’t they like plants or something anyway?” I’d studied the discov - gent fragrance. ery of life on one of Jupiter’s moons like everyone else but it wasn’t Juvy was already eating. “Dig in. You should really eat it when it’s my best subject. My grandfather said the knowledge gave everyone hot.” Her chin was glistening, and her lips were a glossy ginger hue. on Earth a new respect for terrestrial life, but it’s hard to imagine It was too good to be true. My suspicions were aroused. “What how different the world was back then. He even said that before is it, Juvy? Is there some kind of drug in here?” interplanetary space travel, humans actually ate other Earth species. “No, no. Absolutely not.” Juvy was smiling at me over the rim of her drink. My hand had already decided to pick up the fork. I raised the “What?” I could tell she was up to something. first bite to my lips. My tongue wriggled in anticipation. “I’ve got a surprise for you, that’s all. I can’t wait.” “It’s the fulgur queek. The chef’s specialty.” “So Marilyn wasn’t the surprise?” I gestured to the stage but real - My mouth clamped shut. ized the alien was gone. I was a little disappointed I had missed her “What? Trust me, it’s best if you eat it hot.” She picked a little final number. “She’s coming back for a second act, right?” something from her teeth. It looked suspiciously like fishnet stock - “Hmm. Maybe. But no, the fulgur queek isn’t the surprise. At ing fiber. least not that one.” She drained her glass and signaled for another. I turned back to the stage. It had a forlorn emptiness. “Marilyn?” “What? You mean there’s more than one that can squeeze into a I managed to croak. I was having a hard time making eye contact pair of fishnet hose and belt out “I Gotta’ Be Me”?” with Juvy. She looked hurt. “I don’t represent entertainment. I am strictly She leaned her head back to laugh and her long mane of luxurious food and drink. Didn’t I ever tell you about Simplicious Foods? curls swung out around her. “You are so sweet. I’ve heard of people That’s my big client. The biggest. And you, as my ever-patient becoming attached to the fulgur queek before but that is just too rich.” boyfriend, are getting the chance of a lifetime tonight.” My brain was preparing an angry response but my hand, stom - I was glad to hear it, but I couldn’t help turning my head every ach and mouth had their own plan. I can remember fighting it for few seconds to see if Marilyn was coming back. only a second and the next thing I knew I was licking the last bit of “Yes, tonight, baby, prepare to feel your taste buds sing. Are you gravy from the plate. hungry yet?” “Don’t you have any manners?” grumbled Juvy, but she looked Something to absorb all that nervous alcohol sounded good. more satisfied than angry. “Yeah, I guess I’m ready. Where are we going? I hope it’s not far.” I pushed the plate away. “Oh Juvy, how could you have made me “We’re staying here,” she said in her all-business voice, snapping eat Marilyn?” fingers with sharp red nails over my shoulder. She mouthed some - “You idiot, you weren’t eating Marilyn. Do you have any idea thing and made wiggling motions with her hands. Then she turned how long it takes to train one of them to tolerate the costumes? to me. “Great. It’ll be out in a minute.” Much less find one who can make enough sounds to mimic a I shuffled my feet on the sticky concrete floor and rubbed my human voice.” elbows across the graffiti-laden bar top. I wouldn’t have thought a “Then what were we eating? A slow learner?” place like this could raise enough in bribes to run a kitchen. But She tossed her crumpled napkin on her plate. “I guess so.
May 2005 41 Although it wouldn’t surprise me if this is last month’s entertain - ment. People do get bored with the same old song and dance, you know?” She slid her tongue along her teeth and lips. “Now that The Venusians vs. Venice beats seaweed stew any day, don’t you think? Simplicious Foods is by Jennifer Mercer going to make me very rich. And you too, if you’re smart enough to invest now.” I had to admit she had a point. At every table, people were mer - The vile verminous creatures, rily munching away. Still, I was bothered. Arrived in a vast vessel “But we aren’t supposed to eat other species. Humans decided long ago that that was wrong. I mean just because something Vaulting over Il tastes good…” Lido de Venizia. She stared at me innocently, with her lovely slanted eyes. The waiter, who was clearing our plates, gave a knowing little The volume of the van chieftain’s laugh. “We hear that one all the time in here. Put your mind at ease, my friend. The fulgur queek are plants. They are plucked Verve-filled voice vibrating, from the stem like fragrant onions, living only to be sautéed in a Victorious through light cream sauce.” The villas of Venice “But the singing… and the eyes…” During one song I kind of The velvet-draped vestibules thought Marilyn was singing to me. “Those are just tricks. Their minds, nothing but wheat. Their Virtually violated by this bodies, nothing but the ripe fruit of the vine.” Viking of vacuum. I thought about the flesh oozing from the stockings, and won - dered where he got his images from. “Don’t be so conflicted,” he continued, “It’s okay to eat the fulgur queek.” His vicious vassals Juvy piped up. “It better be okay, because they are just too deli - Vacillating not-at-all cious to give up.” In their vanquishment “Juvy, I have to go.” Of vintage canals and “What? Wait, don’t you want to discuss your investment options?” I pushed away from the table and stood up. “No. I don’t think Vertiginous statuary. this is the deal for me.” She looked crushed. Vexed visitors evacuated “Thanks though. Really. I’ll see you ’round.” I threw bills on the Vacating gondola for table and got out of there as fast as I could. It wasn’t easy finding the back alley entrance that would get me Vehicles with velocity backstage. I had to bribe both a bouncer and a fat woman with hairy Via the vanishing underarms guarding what I guess you could call the dressing room. Vermillion sun. But it was worth it. I knew I had done the right thing when I saw the fishnet stock - ings, stretched in all the wrong places, folded neatly beside the Verily, O vale of Venice, denim jacket and the makeup kit. Plants didn’t fold clothes. The visitors from Venus I picked her up gently from the nest of newspapers she had been Will not vanish like a sitting in, rubbing her claw-like feet with her stumpy little Veiled and vaporous vision. appendages. She was smaller than she appeared on stage. “Come on, Marilyn,” I whispered, turning my head a little so she couldn’t smell the betrayal on my breath, “I won’t let you become dinner.” I tucked Veto the Viceroys of Venus her gently into the crook of my arm, and before I had gotten a block Lest the void be vindicated! she had fallen fast asleep.
42 Nth Degree May 2005 43 C OMICS
The Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
44 Nth Degree Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notley The Last Straw by Bob Kauffmann
May 2005 45 Arthur King of Time and Space by Paul Gadzikowski
BelchBurger by Dan Fahs & Robert Balder
46 Nth Degree Dear Cthulhu, humanity as a whole. (Wink, wink.) indeed help you by telling you who your I’m a HUGE fan with a very unusual prob - Thanks. father is—it is I, Cthulhu. lem. I’m a young male who knows I was born in –Your Brother in Chaos Let me confess the truth, you were con - the wrong body. Despite being a mortal male, I ceived during a drunken weekend in Las know I was meant to be an Ancient One and Dear “Brother ”, Vegas. Not that I was drinking, you under - due to a cruel trick of fate I was instead born Although your ambitions are laudable, stand, but those Shriners I devoured were into a human body. they are also laughable. The idea that a another story… I’ve spent the better part of my adult life try - lowly human could ascend to become an When you where born, you took after ing to set right this great wrong. I’ve tried to Ancient One is preposterous. your showgirl mother and sadly looked have plastic surgeons alter my appearance to Your plight has however moved me to nothing like me. Your mother was too career what it should be, but none of them will touch intervene on your behalf. I have contacted oriented to want to raise a child and in my me. It’s not fair. They’d give me boobs if I want - the facility that currently holds you and circles your appearance would have been a ed, but when I ask for tentacles they have me pulled a few strings, threatened to devour a liability, so we felt it was best to give you up committed. I was abused by my mother and sis - few souls and they agreed to bypass normal for adoption and a chance at a better life. ters as a child and have several gender issues, so procedures and medical ethics. You are I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way I hoped. becoming a woman would be an even greater scheduled with a plastic surgeon next week. Sadly, your mother is no longer with us. torture to endure than my current predicament. Sadly, they lack the skill and techniques to During another drunken Vegas weekend, I I tried to do it myself. I attached bat wings successfully do what you want, so I instruct - accidentally ate her. It was an honest mis - to my back and sewed an octopus to my face. ed them to do something they were more take. She was working on her new act and Unfortunately, I couldn’t reach my shoulder adept at. You’ll be a D cup by Tuesday. those swinging tassels sure looked like a blades with needle and thread, so I had to back By your next letter, you’ll be able to sign couple of Shriners, as least with my booze up against a stapler. as my Sister in Chaos. goggles on. In the end, it didn’t work. The staple Have a dark day. I would love to see you again, although wounds got infected, although I loved the green I’m embarrassed to admit that, like your color they turned. Also, the octopus flesh rotted Dear Cthulhu, adopted mother, I too am in need of a kid - and I ended up passing out from the stench. I recently found out I was adopted when my ney. And a liver, heart and spleen. Also EMTs brought me to the ER and the damned “mother” needed a kidney transplant. I volun - some cocktail sauce. I would be honored for doctors removed my tentacles and wings. They teered to donate one of mine, but when the doc - you, my son, to be able to give them to me, even thought a psycho had done that to me. tor did a test for compatibility, I flunked and she your loving father. When I told them I had done it to myself, I was had to come clean and tell me the whole truth. You are welcome to come visit me and committed again. This place is nothing like I’m devastated. It feels like my whole life is a donate the organs in person. If this is incon - Arkham and they won’t let me out. lie. I want to find my real parents, to find out why venient for you, I can send some of my fol - I was hoping you would recognize the they gave me up. Unfortunately, the adoption lowers by to pick them up. greatness of your kind within me and come to agency’s records are sealed and I don’t have enough Remember a father’s hunger—I mean my aid. Perhaps you could raze this place to money to hire a lawyer to get them opened. love—knows no bounds. the ground killing all within, except me of Can you help me? course. Then you could help me realize my –Living a Lie in Lexington Dear Cthulhu welcomes letters and questions at true potential by hastening my transforma - [email protected]. All letters become the tion. Failing that, perhaps you could write a Dear Lexington, property of Dear Cthulhu and may be used in future letter of recommendation to the board here What a joy it is to hear from you after all columns. Dear Cthulhu is a work of fiction and satire telling them that I’m not a danger to myself or these years. I’m happy to say that I can and is © and ™ Patrick Thomas. All rights reserved. May 2005 47 Why are there so many lost instant memos, Cable or ADSL, And badly downloaded files? I’m sure it’s a marketing hat trick… Firewalls configured and ports we must forward So people can’t see inside? Have you been on the verge of scoring a cyber, Online there’s gold if you manage to reach it Then dropped out and lost your mate? Through all of the iPods for free… Have you successfully completed a torrent? Someday we’ll find it, a stable connection, Well neither have I, to date… The hackers, the coders and me. I’ve pinged out too many times to ignore it, Even when on a T3… Who said that every ping would be heard and answered Someday we’ll find it, a stable connection, When sent down your cable line? The flamers, the fanboys and me… Somebody 419s, and someone believes it, Now spam chokes the mail grapevine… La, da da deee da da daa, Warcraft expandeth to suck up our bandwidth La la la la la dee daa doooooooo… So orcs can grow cute little trees, Someday we’ll find it, a stable connection, The lamerz, the gamers and me…
A Stable Connection by R. Cleaves To the tune of "Rainbow Connection" by Paul Williams & Kenny Ascher
(Many apologies to Kermit.)
Illustration by J. Andrew World
48 Nth Degree Psst… Hey, buddy. Like what you’re holding? Can you believe it’s FREE? Wanna see more? Well, It’s gonna cost ya.
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