1 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition

1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with 1. We seek to develop a daily relationship with a Higher Power, and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them. knowing that we are not alone in our efforts to heal ourselves from 2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to our addiction. painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs 2. We are willing to be vulnerable because the capacity to trust has from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from been restored to us by our faith in a Higher Power. friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God. 3. We surrender, one day at a time, our whole life strategy of, and 3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pur- our obsession with the pursuit of romantic and sexual intrigue and sue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, some- emotional dependency. times having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time. 4. We learn to avoid situations that may put us at risk physically, 4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, morally, psychologically or spiritually. pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued. 5. We learn to accept and love ourselves, to take responsibility for 5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though our own lives, and to take care of our own needs before involving we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relation- ourselves with others. ships and sexual contacts. 6. We become willing to ask for help, allowing ourselves to be vul- 6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and nerable and learning to trust and accept others. envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurtur- ing care, and support. 7. We allow ourselves to work through the pain of our low self- 7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control esteem and our fears of abandonment and responsibility. We learn to feel comfortable in solitude. others. 8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or 8. We begin to accept our imperfections and mistakes as part of sexual obsessions or fantasies. being human, healing our shame and perfectionism while working on our character defects. 9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable. 9. We begin to substitute honesty for self-destructive ways of expressing emotions and feelings. 10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities. 10. We become honest in expressing who we are, developing true intimacy in our relationships with ourselves and others. 11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery. 11. We learn to value sex as a by-product of sharing, commitment, trust and cooperation in a partnership. 12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expecta- 12. We are restored to sanity, on a daily basis, by participating in the tions. process of recovery.

© 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. © 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved All Rights Reserved

2 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition Table of Contents

Letter from the Editor 3 The S.L.A.A. Preamble 4 1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with Sex and1. We Love seek Addicts to develop Anonymous a daily relationship Resources with a Higher Power, 5 and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them. knowing that we are not alone in our efforts to heal ourselves from 2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to Sharingour addiction. from the Heart painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs 2. We are willing to be vulnerable because the capacity to trust has from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from The beenReality restored of Untreated to us by our faith Sex in aand Higher Love Power. Addiction 6 friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God. 3. We surrender, one day at a time, our whole life strategy of, and 3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pur- Question of the Day: The Newcomer’s Experience 8 our obsession with the pursuit of romantic and sexual intrigue and sue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, some- I Struggledemotional to dependency. Define Myself as an Addict 9 times having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time. An Agnostic4. We learn Finding to avoid situationsRecovery that Without may put us God at risk physically, 10 4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, Honesty:morally, The psychologically Core of Recovery or spiritually. 11 pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued. 5. We learn to accept and love ourselves, to take responsibility for 5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though Question of the Day: Recovery from Isolation 12 our own lives, and to take care of our own needs before involving we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relation- Pornographicourselves with Anorexic others. 13 ships and sexual contacts. Isolated6. We from become God, willing Myself, to ask for and help, Others allowing ourselves to be vul- 14 6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and nerable and learning to trust and accept others. envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurtur- Where I Belong 17 ing care, and support. The 7.Joy We of allow Relationship ourselves to work through the pain of our low self- 20 7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control esteem and our fears of abandonment and responsibility. We learn Questionto feel comfortable of the inDay: solitude. Recovery from Fantasy 22 others. Me and Mrs. Jones (woo woo) 23 8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or 8. We begin to accept our imperfections and mistakes as part of sexual obsessions or fantasies. Gratitudebeing human, for 20 healing Years our in shame S.L.A.A. and perfectionism while working 24 on our character defects. 9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to God is my Answer 27 people who are emotionally unavailable. 9. We begin to substitute honesty for self-destructive ways of ex- Questionpressing emotionsof the andDay: feelings. This Year’s Achievement 30 10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or About Boundaries 31 compulsive sexual activities. 10. We become honest in expressing who we are, developing true A Lovelyintimacy Way in our To relationships Live with ourselves and others. 34 11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery. 11. We learn to value sex as a by-product of sharing, commitment, trust© 2011 and cooperationThe Augustine in Fellowship, a partnership. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, 12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved. them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expecta- 12. We are restored to sanity, on a daily basis, by participating in the tions. processFree of to recovery. copy for distribution of the entire, original edition only available online at: www.slaafws.org/journal/freeissue © 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. Not for sale or resale. S.L.A.A. service bodies, including meetings © 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved All Rights Reservedand intergroups, may charge a fee to cover actual printing costs. Any opinions or beliefs expressed by individual members belongs to those members and does not reflect the position of the Journal or S.L.A.A. as a whole. 1 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal The Twelve Steps of S.L.A.A.* 1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.

* ©1985 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved. The Twelve Steps are reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint and adapt the Twelve Steps does not mean that A.A. is affiliated with this program. A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only. Use of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities, which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, does not imply otherwise. THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs 2 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition Letter from the Editor

Dear Reader:

Welcome to the special issue of the Journal.

For those not familiar with the program of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, we are a fellowship of men and women recovering from sex and love addiction. Our magazine, the Journal, is meant to be a meeting in print. We have compiled selections from various issues of the magazine to introduce our program of recovery .

Since sex and love addiction affects people from all walks of life in many different ways, we have included stories that deal with various aspects of the addiction. We hope that anyone who reads this free issue will walk away with a sense of how much the S.L.A.A. program has helped countless people recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind.

As you can tell from the stories, we are not people who would normally mix. But we are brought together and support each other in meetings, outreach calls and fellowship. If any of what is written in this issue speaks to you, as I hope it will, I urge you to find a meeting in your area and join us. S.L.A.A. saved my life as it did for many others. We hope to return the favor in part with service work such as this issue that you hold in your hands.

Thank you for reading.

Be well.

Sincerely, the Journal Managing Editor & the Conference Journal Committee

3 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a Twelve Step, Twelve Tradition- oriented fellowship based on the model pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous. The only qualification for S.L.A.A. membership is a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction. S.L.A.A. is supported entirely through the contributions of its membership, and is free to all who need it.

To counter the destructive consequences of sex and love addiction, we draw on five major resources:

1. Sobriety. Our willingness to stop acting out in our own personal bottom-line addictive behavior on a daily basis. 2. Sponsorship/Meetings. Our capacity to reach out for the supportive fellowship within S.L.A.A. 3. Steps. Our practice of the Twelve Step program of recovery to achieve sexual and emotional sobriety 4. Service. Our giving back to the S.L.A.A. community what we continue to freely receive. 5. Spirituality. Our developing a relationship with a Power greater than ourselves, which can guide and sustain us in recovery.

As a fellowship, S.L.A.A. is not affiliated with any other organizations, movements, or causes, either religious or secular.

We are, however, united in a common focus: dealing with our addictive sexual and emotional behavior. We find a common denominator in our obsessive/compulsive patterns, which renders any personal differences of sexual or gender orientation irrelevant.

We need protect with special care the anonymity of every S.L.A.A. member. Additionally we try to avoid drawing undue attention to S.L.A.A. as a whole from the public media.

4 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Resources Visit the official website of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous www.slaafws.org discover: local meetings, phone meetings, online meetings connect: find a long-distance sponsor, purchase literature write: The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc., 1550 NE Loop 410, Suite 118 San Antonio, TX 78209 phone: +1 (210) 828-7900

S.L.A.A. Common Definitions Anorexia: The compulsive avoidance of giving or receiving social, sexual, or emotional nourishment. Bottom Lines: Self-defined activities from which S.L.A.A. members abstain in order to experience physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual wholeness. Higher Power: A self-defined power greater than ourselves that is capable of restoring us to physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual wholeness. Qualifier: Anyone who becomes your drug of choice, who ‘qualifies’ you to identify as a sex and love addict (typically an ex-lover.) Sponsor: An S.L.A.A. member willing to give a ‘sponsee’ direction based on their experience with how to work the 12 Steps of S.L.A.A. Top Lines: Self-defined activities that members pursue to experience physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual wholeness.

5 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal

The Reality of Untreated Sex and Love Addiction As a former primary counselor the world. She was quickly diag- in a major treatment center, a for- nosed with substance dependence, mer owner of a women’s shelter, acute anxiety, and borderline and a Pastor, I have come to see traits. Her history of sexual pro- the reality of untreated sex and miscuity went unnoticed because love addiction. It would be unethi- she deliberately made a big deal cal for me to share patient, tenant, about how faithful she had been or member information with you, to her current man. but I can still share with you a During the course of her treat- truthful story. The story invented ment, she would frequently disap- below is a fictional synthesis of a pear into the bathroom for twenty thousand real stories, realistic in minutes during trauma group. every respect. Situations and per- The staff discussed it and decided sonalities have been combined in a that she was resisting treatment. way that no single real-life person The fact that she was visiting the is even remotely represented. ladies room to quietly masturbate Beth is a cocaine addict. She went undetected as did her past entered treatment because her promiscuity, so instead of treating live-in boyfriend got into recovery sex and love addiction, the staff and threatened to send her pack- prohibited her from visiting the ing if she didn’t get clean. ladies room during group. Beth arrived angry, at him, at Beth abruptly entered with- the treatment intake people, and at drawal, which had not been her 6 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition

plan, so she responded by running withdrawal. Beth’s borderline away. She first found some cocaine diagnosis explained the chaos and then held up in a hotel room and dependency in her personal with another relapsing addict. He relationships and her impulsive introduced her to shooting cocaine behavior, so love addiction (which during sex. No one could find her insurance companies don’t rec- for a month. ognize as an addiction) was over- When she emerged all man- looked. gled, she was not able to return to Consequently Beth disap- treatment because the insurance peared like thousands of others, company was denying coverage. into a world of darkness. If there Her boyfriend had lost interest in was someone there, someone who flying her home. Where she ended had taken the time to start an up after the emergency room, only S.L.A.A. meeting in the facility, God knows. if someone dropped by the treat- Lynn, the trauma specialist on ment center to invite the staff to staff had had a vague sense that take the patients out to a nearby Beth’s acute anxiety had some- S.L.A.A. meeting, Beth might have thing to do with early abuse. She found the help she needed. had quietly wondered what Beth Who is responsible for this had been doing in the bathroom. travesty? I am. It never occurred to anyone on — Anonymous staff that Beth ran because of (Issue #115) sexual withdrawal, not cocaine 7 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal Every issue we ask one new Question of the Day question for S.L.A.A. members all around the world to share their experience, strength and hope. Here’s a sample of responses that suggest how important the first impression of our recovery program is to newcomers.

“As a newcomer to S.L.A.A., what first really helped you?”

Everyone shared from the heart. I isolated, so it helped when people At the first meeting I ever welcomed me. attended, I was scared, lonely, — Manuel, Los Angeles suicidal, and convinced my life was over. I could hardly speak, and in fact throughout the entire meeting I could only I’ve been whistling around in croak out “pass” when it came my darkness, wondering when my my turn to share. But no one husband or my boyfriend will find thought worse of me because out about each other or my online of it, and I came home with romances. I went to an S.L.A.A. one thing: hope. That made meeting and told my story. There all the difference. were men and women there that seemed pretty happy and normal. — Jim, Fresno CA They welcomed me and told me to come back. What a relief. I think I’ll go back. All this secrecy is The first meeting I attended exhausting. was very small. What helped the most was that everyone listened — Tammy, Texas while I basically just spilled the beans. I was a wreck by the time I was done, crying and feeling When I was a newcomer, I knew hopeless. Immediately after the about the pain of the disease all meeting all of the guys stayed too well. I felt SO relieved to and talked to me. They let me hear shares around the room that know they had been in the same included a person’s experience, spot and that the program had strength and hope. I needed worked for them. Simple as hope. It kept me coming back. that. — Amy, New York — Greg, Boise ID

8 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition

I Struggled to Define Myself as an Addict

tep One states, “We admitted we were powerless over sex and love S addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.” I have struggled with admitting that I am a sex and love addict. Mostly, I have struggled with the word, “addict.” It had, or I gave it, some pretty negative connotations. To me, an addict is someone who is out of control, untrustworthy, and causes pain, lots of pain. So, why on earth would I want to identify myself as someone like that? My ego resisted. Eventually, Higher Power introduced a particular definition of addiction along my path. I then realized that I could take a loving position toward myself while still identifying myself as an addict. I’d like to share that definition in the hope that it may help someone else.

Addiction: Fear; running from self; not knowing how to love one’s self.

That pretty well described me; I had fear, I ran from myself, and I didn’t know how to love myself. I used people, places, and things to avoid being present to myself. This definition provided me with a loving, objective perspective, a perspective that I hadn’t been able to find or give myself. Today, whenever I feel uncomfortable with identifying as an addict, I turn to this definition once more to ground myself and open my heart. I remind myself that in any given situation, I’ve done and still do the best I can with what I have, depending on where I am in my recovery. As much as my ego might want me to believe that I am my dis-ease, I am much more. Slowly, with time, patience, willingness, working the Twelve Steps, going to meetings, meditating, praying, trusting, and doing service, I am better able to love and accept myself - addiction and all - and that has made all the difference. Thank you S.L.A.A. for the new ways I’m learning and practicing to behave and think towards myself and others. Thank you, Higher Power, for my recovery. — Anonymous, Canada (Issue #121)

9 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal

An Agnostic Finding Recovery Without God I have been sober over 5 times, I was speaking my truth years. I am also sober 28 years in and at times I was venting my another fellowship– all without a Theist-resentment. belief in God. I know that what divides me When I was new to the pro- and theists in the program is gram, being open-minded meant small compared to the common- trying anything, including pray- ground that binds us. Most of the ing on my knees or while driv- time, I meditate during the praying, at meetings and in private. I ing in meetings and apply the ad- also tried my hand at the “turn- age “Live and Let Live” during the ing it over to God” vocabulary. sharing portions of the meeting. Ultimately, I knew I was kidding A value such as “turning my myself and I wouldn’t continue will and life over to the care of pretending to believe in God any God” is indeed someone else’s more than I would insist to a value. I just don’t believe in God doubting youth that there abso- or heaven. There is much I don’t lutely is a Santa Claus and he lives understand. I don’t willfully at the North Pole. pump my own heart, for instance I remember finding ways to but I see much of the unknown as fit into discussion my story about chaotic - not a divine mystery. how I would love to subscribe to I joke that you might think an all-loving, all-powerful deity the steps without God is a short that cares about me, has a will cut, but actually it’s more work, for me and the power to protect more personal responsibility. But and enlighten me but for me, that S.L.A.A. is for all of us. And you would be insanity and the pro- can belong without believing. gram teaches me to seek the truth — Joe, Toronto and shed unsound thinking. At (Issue #126)

Editor’s note: Publication of this share in the Journal is neither in- tended to espouse a particular belief nor an alternate interpretation of the steps. The intent is to fully share all stories of experience, strength, hope and recovery without bias to the path chosen. 10 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition

Honesty: The Core of Recovery One time at an S.L.A.A. meet- concealed acting out from my fel- ing, an experienced member said, low S.L.A.A. members, I finally “Dishonesty lies at the center of got honest and began almost four every addiction.” The converse is years of abstinence from my bot- also true; honesty forms the very tom line. I thought I was cured, core of recovery. Without it, no but I was not being completely recovery is possible. I have expe- honest with myself. Two years rienced this principle in my own later, what I thought to be an in- plunge into sexual addiction and nocent emotional affair with a my slow upward crawl out of its customer resulted in my second depths. wife’s attempted suicide, a ter- The Fourth and Fifth Steps rible event that sobered me up for show us the necessity of being awhile. honest with ourselves and with I now know that I can only stay at least one other human being, in recovery as long as I am honest while the Tenth Step tells us that with myself, my Higher Power, we need to continually be honest and others. It is painful, but it is with ourselves and promptly ad- necessary to face the truth of who mit when we are wrong. I am and what I have done. There As addicts, we try to hide the is no other way. truth from our spouses, friends, — JF, Missouri and coworkers. After a devastat- (Issue #115) ing year in 2004, during which I

11 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal Question of the Day

“How is isolation part of your sex and love addiction, and how do you find recovery?”

I can isolate anywhere, anytime; Isolation is a major facet of whether it’s in a room alone, or in my disease, a lot of unhealthy a crowded convention hall full of consequences result. I get lost people. I can use my perfectionism in my own head too much. I to keep people away, any excuse to lose practical perspective of cut people out of my life. It’s almost what’s happening in the world, like a binge and purge cycle. After I obsess and I get into self-pity. lengthy periods of isolation, I act out For recovery, I get in touch sexually. Then the shame sets in and with my Higher Power, I think I start isolating all over again. of things I can do for self-care — Nick, Los Angeles CA and to be of service to others. I make a conscious effort to reach out to others. I am terrified of intimacy and so I — Natalie, Chicago isolate. I am the class clown, I have many friends and I am an extrovert but I am terrified I am not good Isolation (being anti- enough for you, for the world, and for social) is a big part of my myself. I pretend and masquerade a addiction. When I start to self I think you want to see, that my isolate, it is a warning sign parents told me was the right way to that I am not taking care be, that is acceptable to society. But of myself which is a new deep down I am ashamed of me, so top-line behavior for me. I avoid real intimacy and letting the My isolation is a part of my real me shine. I play second best. not addressing my feelings I defer to others and then I resent or admitting my feelings you. and starts my slide down I find recovery by accepting my self the slippery slope. I find as is, and others as they are. I learn to recovery by calling program listen. I learn not to run, to stay and people and being honest participate, imperfect, broken and about how I am feeling. loved by God. I learn to be humble. — Stephen, Connecticut — Ann, Los Angeles CA

12 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition Pornographic Anorexic My bottom-line behaviors are morality when I lured them in. I one-night stands, pornography, always pretended that they some- and sex or intrigue with married how manipulated me into their women. Those in S.L.A.A. with web of marital dishonesty, but it experience told me that all my was just a front for my emotional bottom lines are anorexic. At first, anorexia. It was the lie I told my- I did not know what they meant. self. I just wanted the woman to It makes sense to me now. go away. What I liked about one-night All this acting out was an stands was their brevity. One avoidance of giving and receiving night, one of my trophy girls love. The old-timers in my home passed out drunk in my bed after group were right. All my bottom- we finished our sexual frenzy. I line behaviors are anorexic. stayed up reading almost until It’s now possible for me to ex- sunrise so that she would sleep perience love. It started with my it off enough so I could wake her sponsor, then I was able to love and send her home, all to avoid my family, with real emotion, and sleeping next to her. It’s not that they could feel the difference. I she was unattractive. It’s just used to just fake it. I love now in that I’m an anorexic sex and love ways I didn’t know were possible, addict. and none of the people I love are Pornography was the most one-night stands, porn stars, or anorexic. The only thing on the the wives of others. I can even celluloid was disconnected sex. cuddle with my girlfriend without The anorexic part of me was com- feeling like I need to wiggle free fortable with the horrible acting. after a few minutes. I did not want to know the char- Thank God I’m free of the acters. The best part was that no craziness. They tell me that one one ever had to see me physically day at a time I can live life with- or emotionally naked. I could get out falling into bottom-line be- my addictive hit without ever behaviors, provided I maintain my ing known. Zero intimacy. If that spiritual condition. I just keep is not anorexic, then I don’t know coming back to S.L.A.A. and fol- what is. low the few simple suggestions Married women were safe that always work when we truly because I could cut it off at any follow them. time by declaring that adultery is — Vladimir, Russia wrong. Of course I had no such (Issue #116) 13 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal Isolated from God, Myself and Others When I walked into anony- what I wanted God to be no mat- mous programs fourteen years ter how outrageous my demands. ago, I was isolated from God, my- I wanted my own personal Santa self and others. Claus who gave me everything I I was isolated from God be- wanted and loved me uncondi- cause I spent most of my life ei- tionally. ther believing he didn’t exist or My sponsor told me my High- thinking he must hate me if he er Power would love me uncondi- did exist. I suffered a lot of ver- tionally but that I would eventu- bal, physical and sexual abuse as ally get a more realistic God than a teenager from a nine year rela- Santa Claus. tionship with a psychopath boy- When I had a lightening bolt friend who ended up murdering spiritual experience two years my best friend. I thought if God later I saw what she meant. I was did exist he abandoned me a long insane, on my hands and knees time ago. crying and screaming and hyper- Through the tools of S.L.A.A. ventilating about a relationship (steps, meetings, praying to a God with a married man. I called a I didn’t understand, and medita- fellow S.L.A.A. member and she tion even when restless) I started said “Prayers are powerful. What to see that God did exist and he do you want me to pray for?” I hadn’t abandoned me — I had said, “Pray for my obsession with abandoned him in favor of my (my qualifier) to be lifted.” boyfriend. I made my boyfriend She said the prayer with me my higher power for nine years over the phone. I felt a calm and because I was addicted to him. sanity come over me. That was S.L.A.A. helped me break my my S.L.A.A. sobriety date. I was a isolation from God. My sponsor completely different person from had me write out what I thought that day until now, nine years later. God was. At that time he was an I was isolated from myself be- evil man who sat up in the sky cause I didn’t even know myself. on his throne and played tricks I was so busy trying to be the on me. He was judging me and perfect daughter, girlfriend and I was always coming up short. worker that I didn’t know what I My sponsor had me tear up the liked. sheet of paper that contained that I fit my personality to the sit- writing, symbolically throwing uation. If I was going to a party, that God out. Then I had to write I dressed up in tight clothing and 14 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition played the party girl even if I was or anyone else. I ran around tell- uncomfortable or cold or tired. ing so many lies so that I wouldn’t I didn’t even have a hobby hurt people’s feelings or get hurt because I was too busy running myself that I no longer knew what around trying to make my boy- the truth was anymore. Being friends lives easier. honest in meetings and with my When I joined S.L.A.A. I had sponsor cleared out all the junk in to start being honest about who my head so I could actually work I was and what I thought. A lot on myself. of this was revealed in my fourth Breaking out of my isolation and fifth steps. from myself helped me with my My sponsor gave me direc- isolation from others. tion to take myself out on dates. Once I was able to trust my- I had to start thinking about what self and my sobriety it was easier “When I think back to my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.” I liked to do. In the past I always to trust others. When it came went along with what my boy- to significant others, it took a friend wanted to do, even if I was lot of outside help to tackle that bored to tears. I took myself out behemoth. Like Ally McBeal to movies and restaurants and art said, “When I think back to my galleries. loneliest moments, there was My sponsor also forced me to usually somebody sitting there become self-supporting through next to me.” Being seen but not my own contributions. I couldn’t heard is very lonely. rely on my parents for money None of the guys I was with anymore which was a huge step before my recovery in S.L.A.A. for me. My self-esteem grew by ever heard me. I was never hon- leaps and bounds when I could est with them or myself so they honestly say I supported my- couldn’t hear the real me anyway. self. And I didn’t have to rely S.L.A.A. helped me find the real on anyone else to come and me. And God and S.L.A.A. helped rescue me. Rescuing usually me find the man who became my brings control along with it. husband and partner. Another big part of isolation My sponsor gave me a dat- from myself had to do with hon- ing plan that helped me show my esty. I wasn’t honest with myself partner the real me and gave us 15 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal

enough time to really get to know relied on God, meetings, my fam- each other. I wasn’t able to iso- ily and the fellowship of S.L.A.A. late myself because I had to be in to get me through that tough time constant contact with my Higher that used to break me (before so- Power, sponsor and meetings. briety in S.L.A.A. I always gained The difficulty with being honest 40 pounds and became suicidal and showing another human be- after a breakup and acted out with ing who you really are is that they anyone who would have me). can see who you are and say “You And two months later —after know I really don’t like that so I’m he did some soul searching — he going to go now.” came back to me. I needed that My character defects of jeal- time away to realize that relation- ousy and drama queen and imma- ships are more about trusting turity were pretty hard to handle. God and myself than about trust- After six months of dating, my ing others. then-boyfriend decided he didn’t It’s about communication and want to deal with it anymore. So living in reality. Once I stopped he broke up with me. This was choosing dangerous men, my confusing to me because even partners turned out to be trust- though I did the dating plan and worthy human beings. I found a followed my sponsor’s direction really good guy in sobriety who is and felt I did everything right the willing to do the work with me. S.L.A.A. way, he was still a human That was part of the reason he being with his own thoughts and came back. He realized he had feelings who could choose to walk a partner who was also willing to away, which he did. do the work. My anorexic addict voice said, He joined S.L.A.A. a year af- “see you shouldn’t trust people ter we started dating, and now he because even if you do everything sponsors more people than I do. right they’ll abandon you in the I always say that God found the end anyway.” perfect partner for me. He’s not I told him that if he wanted to perfect, but he’s perfect for me. get back together to give me a call I wouldn’t trade what I’ve got otherwise to please not contact today for anything and that’s a me. I knew my addict would start good place to be. I am grateful to trying to manipulate him to come S.L.A.A. and God for my life. back to me. I was amazed that I — Lisa C. didn’t even feel like acting out or (Issue #128) retaliating or replacing the loss. I

16 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition

Where I Belong Secret thoughts and behaviors define my disease. I was in the military and, in addition to near constant sex with prostitutes in far-east Asia, I always had a stash of hard core porn. Sometimes I was on a ship for long periods of time and the porn and masturbation was a rit- ualistic part of almost everyone’s day – but it had always been for me, whether on or off shore. After the military I hit a bru- tal bottom with cocaine and alcohol and cleaned up in rehab and a 12 step program in my mid-20s. spent “researching” for school. Then, during college in the mid Late nights turned into early 90’s something happened – the mornings masturbating compul- internet. I soon found the free sively. The fetishes went from hardcore and fetish sites com- weird to insane – I followed links pletely irresistible. It was as ad- that descended into a hell of de- dictive as, and more damaging pravity, always seeking to find a in many ways, than my other ad- bigger “hit.” diction to cocaine would ever be. Six years of meetings and ser- When I moved in with my fi- vice and sponsorship in another ancé in the late 90s we bought a 12 step fellowship was no match computer for my graduate school for my sexual addiction. The studies. I never had a chance. We shame and remorse, the lies and looked at internet porn together a secrets – I could not sleep and few times for laughs. But I secret- started abusing sleeping medica- ly said to myself “if she only knew tions. Narcotic sleep meds from a the half of it.” doctor, first to sleep, then to “get I was constantly, constantly high”, taking them on my way to clearing the search history, site school because I liked the way it history, image caches, key words helped me dissociate from the and internet viruses – the evi- emotional hangover of the previ- dence of my secret life. And it ous night’s activities. Soon it was was a secret life: hours and hours painkillers and tranquilizers, too. 17 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal In short, my internet porn ad- pretty sick. I had a meltdown. diction led me back to my drug Rehab for drugs and alcohol addiction. I didn’t talk about the was successful again, but I refused new drug habit in my meetings to take the sex and porn addiction though – I still “claimed my seat” seriously. I left my wife rather and now had more lies than I than tell her the truth. I started knew what to do with. This went having compulsive sex with any on for three years. Then marriage available or unavailable woman I came along and I promised my- could find, civilian or “pro”. In- self the insanity would recede in ternet sex was almost nonstop, the lights of my successful career sometimes using a cell phone and and relationship. Instead, a bot- masturbating in the car. I ruined tom I never could have imagined relationships with my friends was only two years away. because of my paranoia, think- By now the prescription drugs ing my sex partners were sleep- were almost daily, the internet ing with them. I took hostages. porn was daily, and it led me to I became socially anorexic in an “They say you’re as sick as your secrets. Well I was pretty sick.” throw away two $2,000 laptops almost absolute sense. I was at because I couldn’t stop the pop- the jumping off point. I went to ups and couldn’t have explained treatment for sex addiction. to my wife what was wrong. My I entered a sexual recovery sex life was nonexistent, now program, but slept with one of massage parlors and clandestine the women there. Then I went sex were back in the picture, too. home to my community, now My identity was completely con- divorced and humiliated having sumed by my addiction. My work learned the language of sex ad- suffered tremendously. Guilt ate diction but having done nothing at me hourly. Vodka seemed like with it. I wish I could have found something I could get away with the courage to face the music, in- though it had been 12 years since stead I left town. I landed in a my early trips to rehab following new community, no job, picked the military. After that, I began up the cocaine and prostitution using cocaine again. I was still not and internet porn like I had never talking about any of these secrets left. Unbelievably risky illegal be- with anyone. They say you’re as havior was a part of my daily ex- sick as your secrets. Well, I was istence, so much for a geographic 18 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition cure. I was now nearly destitute, from my home where I can play divorced, unemployed and unem- a role in the recovery of other ployable. Welcome to my bottom, addicts and share experience, now for the good news. strength and hope. I feel useful, I have found recovery. and my past is actually not just a S.L.A.A. has given me relief from source of pain. In leaving it be- a life of insanity. I am clean from hind my past now is useful to oth- all substances, but I devote my- ers, another story of heartbreak self to 12 step recovery from sex/ averted, death postponed for an- porn addiction as my primary ad- other day. My path from here is diction. My sex/porn addiction is clear – I will clear up the wreck- THE main path to crazy town and age of my past with the 8th and I pray to God that I never forget 9th steps. I will share my story of that fact. I will use drugs and die spiritual recovery with others and if I don’t deal with my sex/ porn support meetings in my commu- addiction. I will go to prison nity wherever that may be. if I don’t deal with it. My luck One of my favorite concepts will run out and I’ll suffer health in recovery is “social anorexia.” consequences that I’ve somehow It fits me so well – at times in the avoided. past I withdrew from virtually What do I love the most about all relationships in the service of S.L.A.A. recovery? I love the cer- my disease. But I no longer ac- tainty that I am not alone, that cept as normal the shame, para- my story is not unique. Nothing noia, guilt and manipulation that compares to sitting at a meeting, the withdrawal represented. I defining my bottom line behav- talk to my family now and I have iors in practical terms and dis- friends again. I am in the process cussing my freedom from them. I of repairing relationships that talk to my fellow men in my net- are important to me. Within the work about temptations that I’ve safety of the S.L.A.A. fellowship survived, sometimes just barely, I can now shine a spotlight on with compassion and humor. the darkest parts of my past, my It seems hard to believe as I deepest fears. I have found my write this that I’m free of the in- tribe at last. Some members of sanity. I know it is my relation- my S.L.A.A. network have other ship with God and with other re- addictions in common with me. I covering addicts that has saved have never felt so at home. I have me. Help is only a phone call never felt such hope. away. There are meetings six — Jay, Connecticut nights a week only 20 minutes (Issue #123) 19 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal different ways of acting to get what I wanted. It took spending years in the program to develop an inside. That is what I relate to now, not to external validation. That became terminology I heard, I didn’t know that was how I was operating. It took a long time to have self-value, self-love, integrity and virtue, The Joy of Relationship things I did not know how to put I am now in my first sober, into place. I had to start with healthy relationship. Before this, bottom lines, doing the steps in I had not been in a relationship S.L.A.A. and doing the work. in over 10 years. Looking back, The value of going to meetings, I felt like I was going to be alone sitting in rooms and hearing forever, never connecting with people’s stories helped me to see another human being. people as people. I was forced to I did not really know I was a listen to their experiences. This sex and love addict and there are was new to me, because until ways to heal this. recently, I objectified everyone. When I first came into the I saw people as just cardboard program, when I was not sexually cutouts who were getting in my active my life was black and white. way. I decided who I would bother When I was sexually active, talking to or not, or who might be however, it was in color, it was a friend, or who was interesting. rich, and everything mattered. I made these judgments before It was exactly like the Big Book anybody opened their mouth. says, I was like a dazed animal So sitting in the rooms, I found waiting to be prodded into life. Sex myself relating to so many peo- was a euphoric. It did not matter ple’s stories that I never thought the length of physical contact, I would. I started to soften and whether it was in a relationship have compassion, especially with or just a one-time experience—it men. I had so much rage and just was somebody else validating anger and fear toward men that me rather than myself. I didn’t think men had feelings. I had no sense of who I was. Listening to them in meetings You hear people say, “Just be revealed beliefs and experiences yourself” on a date, and I always very similar to what I was expe- thought “Which one?” I had only riencing – like trying to connect, 20 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition and have love in their lives. phone and make calls when I did The support in the fellowship not want to, to stay busy, or to is so valuable. The group, I think, force myself to date. is developing where love is, where Before recovery, I could God is and people are sharing barely walk down the streets their experiences. when couples walked by holding Anorexia is always lurking! hands. I just felt so envious and There was an anorexia meeting alone and separate. that I went to early on in the Holding hands, getting mar- beginning of my recovery. I ried. I considered that normal, walked into the meeting and the what normal people do. I never S.L.A.A. Anorexia pamphlet was knew how to be normal. being read and I related to so Now I’m in love. How did this many of the characteristics, it was happen? I think by doing a lot of really painful to hear. things opposite to my addiction My first thought was, “I’m not and anorexia and learning that my catching this. This is contagious; thinking was faulty. I constantly I’m out of here. have to really challenge my faulty Probably the reason why I was thinking and say, “Well, that’s not so turned off by sexual anorexia really true.” was that I really related to it, I like who I am, and I like who being alone, keeping people away. my partner is able to see today. In addition I was an extrovert, so Before, I could not say these I really related to social anorexia, things. I would say that maybe particularly the part about being I tricked somebody into liking around a lot of people, having a me, falling in love with me, or my lot of fun, but just feeling alone sexuality was a commodity. That and isolated. is not the case now. All this tied into my depression Now it is based on friendship. with a feeling very similar to the I had always heard that you can withdrawal depression of “Oh no, have a relationship with friend- I’m never getting up and dating, ship, where your partner is your I’m not going to connect with best friend. That concept terrified another human being ever again, me because I thought that meant and I never like anybody.” that I would not be attracted to I know that the top-line the person as a friend. I have meetings really helped me to get learned that it is not the case. I out of my anorexia, to do things feel blessed. differently, to take action. I — Jill W. worked really hard to get on the (Issue #126) 21 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal Question of the Day

“What’s your personal experience and recovery around fantasy?”

I used to lay in bed at night as I fell asleep thinking and dreaming of how I was going to “get” or seduce someone. Four hours later, I was still awake repeating over and over variations of the same theme. When I awoke the next morning I was exhausted. Today I know this is the “hangover” of a fantasy addict. — Anonymous One of my aspects about fantasy Before S.L.A.A., my eyes regards who my partner is. My would roam, objectifying wom- fantasy is he will always be there en and fantasizing scenarios. for me. He will show up when I Now I look at women and men need him. He will rescue me and in a spiritual sense as human protect me. But my partner is hu- beings. man. In recovery I realized I often — Kurt, Connecticut didn’t ask my partner for what I needed because if he couldn’t do it, it would destroy my fantasy. My As a sex and love addict, I am sponsor reminds me to speak up, no stranger to fantasy – whether gather information and recognize sexual, romantic, or simply imag- my partner for who he really is, ining awful outcomes to scenarios not who I fantasize he is. that may never occur. The way — Kim B., Boston MA that I have dealt with fantasy is by working the steps. When I’m going through a sexual or romantic fan- I have always been an artist, tasy, I accept, first and foremost, and fantasy has been my stock that I am a sex and love addict in trade. When I came into and these things will happen to the program, I obsessed con- me, but they do pass – especially stantly about romantic fantasy. when I share them with friends Today, I rarely obsess, but my (like other sex and love addicts) imagination is intact and no who understand. longer disturbed by constant — Owen, New York NY distraction. — Karen, Delray Beach FL

22 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition

Me and Mrs. Jones (woo woo) Married men are catnip to fulfilling prophecy for women your basic love junkie. with zero self esteem. You don’t For one, it’s all so tragic and genuinely believe you deserve dramatic. If only he had met someone in your life. Guess you first! You two were fated to what? You don’t have to worry be together, had not cruel fate about that any more. Plus, if you intervened. Yes, I know that’s can snag some other woman’s contradictory on its face. Don’t man, even for a little while, you argue with someone in love. It’s must be better than her, right? dangerous. Married men are like Your desirability has been con- unappreciated artists, or suicide firmed for one more night. You survivors, or vampires, and rela- can breathe again. tionships with them are similarly Then there’s the whole For- doomed, beautifully, romantical- bidden Love aspect of it. It’s ly doomed. taboo and rebellious and edgy. Admit it, that’s just plain sexy. This, of course, is the point. In a world where age, race, reli- Because deep down, what a love gion, social class, geography and junkie is terrified of is actual inti- gender are no longer barriers to macy. The illusion of relationship relationship, it is hard to find a beats the hell out of “What do you good obstacle to bang your head want for dinner tonight, honey?” against. Some of us like banging Next great thing about mar- our head against things. Helps ried men: They are incredibly af- drown out the voices inside. fectionate and forthcoming about It was harder and took me their feelings. They can ADORE longer to get off married men you unreservedly, because they that to get off cocaine. What I have no fear of commitment to didn’t know at the time was that, get in the way. There’s a simple neurochemically speaking, they reason for this: They are already were pretty much the same thing. committed, to someone else! Married men are cheaper, easier Third – and we’re getting to come by, and generally legal. down to stuff you should be That does not, it turned out, make talking to your therapist about them a better idea. now – married or otherwise — Ethlie, Beverly Hills, unattainable men are a self- (Issue #124) 23 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal Gratitude for 20 Years in S.L.A.A. I wanted to acknowledge my gratitude for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous in a special way on the occasion of its thirty-fifth birthday. S.L.A.A. changed my life. Or better, it gave me a way to stop destroying myself and start living up to my potential. I started attending S.L.A.A. meetings over twenty years ago. I don’t think about it very often, but when I do, I realize that my life would have taken a completely different course if I hadn’t stumbled onto S.L.A.A. I had a long history of out-of-control sexual behavior starting around ten years old and only ending at age forty when I got into recovery. Alcohol and drugs play a big part of my story. I had no idea, until I got into recovery, how much sex I was having. I never thought about it for a minute, never discussed it with even my closest friends or the therapists I went to.

24 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition It was just what I did — I left acting out. the house to get a carton of milk Ironically, in my circle of and I could easily end up behind a friends I was “Mr. Love.” I “loved” building, or in a public bathroom, so deeply. or in some lost person’s home When I got into a relationship, having wild, mindless sex. I lost weight, counted the minutes “I was always pursuing, as if my life depended on it, one ‘unavailable’ man after another. And it was only after getting active in S.L.A.A. that I came to realize that I was the ‘unavailable’ one. But it was after I became before they returned my phone sexually sober that I realized my calls, did anything I could to make relationship style was dangerous, myself invaluable to them, and self-centered and emotionally talked about them incessantly. masochistic. Now I realize I was living in I had been in one dramatic, psychological arrogance. I knew hopeless relationship after another them, the targets of my attention, — all of them brief — all of them better than they knew themselves. with handsome, aloof men — all I knew what they needed. I knew of them ending in what felt like what they were up to. I could tragedy. outfox them every step of the way. I was always pursuing, as In S.L.A.A., I began to learn if my life depended on it, one that there was some possibility ‘unavailable’ man after another. that I didn’t know what love was. And it was only after getting active I later realized this idea was a in S.L.A.A. that I came to realize great gift. that I was the ‘unavailable’ one. I learned that I wasn’t an open, And I started seeing the vulnerable good person who fell pattern: pursuit of a hopeless in love with emotionally shut off, relationship with some fantasy cold, bad people. I was hurt and object, the inevitable crash and immature and didn’t know how to burn, and then binging out on sex be honest with myself or anyone for the next few weeks. Romantic else. obsession always was followed Another irony is that I had by long periods of dangerous, always considered myself a very emotionally disruptive, sexual spiritual person. 25

Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal But in recovery I found that alone and depressed. I thought escapist spirituality, spirituality these were signs of intelligence that made me reject life, was and my deep spirituality. I also had part of my problem. I needed far too many self-serving opinions to move away from exalted about men, women, gay culture, spiritual thoughts and feelings American society and the stupidity that transported me out of reality of most people I had contact with. and move into the real. I came to These attitudes and beliefs believe that there was a God, that are now tell-tale signs that I’m God had faith in me, wanted me shutting down and that I need to to enjoy this world, live up to my be reconnected through meetings potential, and see the value of each and members of the fellowship. person I meet. No more smoke and The ability to identify with mirrors. members of the fellowship — rather Also, my life used to be driven than the chronic, monotonous by feelings, moods, impulses and competition, judgment and drama. Now I have principles that comparison — is a great gift and I can live by and that guide me: a sign that God is restoring me to honesty, openness, willingness sanity. and compassion. And all of this — meetings, I no longer have to plead with service, literature, etc. — has someone to make me feel loved. I helped open me up to a life that I don’t use people as sources of toxic never anticipated. sex and emotional validation — I I now realize life can be very don’t ask anyone to make me look difficult. There is no easy access and feel good at all costs. to a permanent sense of security, When I get obsessed I know or permanently high self-esteem, where to turn. When I need to or an endlessly fulfilling romantic escape into self-centered sexual relationship. Shame and self- acting out, I know who to talk to. hatred still go on the attack in my I feel connected to the people head. I’m close to and rarely feel exploit- But there is love everywhere if ed or used. Most importantly, love I stay open to it, and keep my heart is now synonymous with respect in the right place. So I thank all of and appreciation not adoration or the women and men I’ve traveled uncontrollable sexual desire and with and may God continue to heartbreak. bless S.L.A.A.! And lastly, I used to pride — Glenn, Los Angeles myself on being disconnected from (Issue #131) the human race, alienated and 26 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition

God is My Answer Love Addiction is a disease of abundant life. Outwardly, I ap- desperation. It’s desperation for peared happy. It just didn’t make attention, affection and love. The sense. I had been in 12 step pro- addict will be temporarily satis- grams for 25 years, worked a rig- fied with a fix at anytime, in any orous program, sponsored, pro- amount and from anyone. It’s vided service and still I was not pathetic to watch the way a love happy. addict will manipulate, lie, and The day I walked into S.L.A.A. even cheat in order to get a fix. I and identified myself as a “love” know. I’m a Love Addict. addict was the day my life began I did not have a name for who to change inwardly. There was a I was in relationships. Sex Ad- man who each week checked in dict was not an accurate descrip- with “I feel loving of my wife and tion for the way in which I acted family and free from addiction.” I out. Sure, I had a number of men wanted to strangle the guy. It was I sexually acted out with in my painful to hear him say the words 20’s, but by the time I married at that I wanted so desperately and age 28 that form of acting out was yet seemed to elude me over the over. That’s when the Love Ad- years. I was convinced my hus- diction kicked in. It would be an- band did not love me as that man other 20 years before I’d see that loved his wife and I was sure he although no longer a “sex” addict, never would. I certainly didn’t I was indeed still an addict. feel loving toward my husband The proof that I was an addict and in fact, was known to often was evidenced by the fact that I say to close friends, “It would be felt so unlovable. I felt so desper- so much better if he just died”. ate. I felt so lonely. I felt so hope- That’s how much pain I was in. less. I felt so unloved. This was It took 6 months of meetings despite my being married to the twice/week, working the steps same man for 20 years, having a and numerous outreach calls to wonderful son, many friends and break through all the anger I felt family, a thriving career and an toward my primary “love object”, 27 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal my husband. I was so invested recovery was when I began to be in blaming my husband for all of honest with my husband. My my problems that I couldn’t even way of relating to him prior to re- begin to look at my part. I got a covery was to tell him only what lot of fuel out of badmouthing my I wanted to tell him so that he husband. didn’t have to ever know about all When I realized that I was my flaws which keep me secure never going to progress by being in my self-righteousness. Guess supported for being a victim, my what? You can’t have an inti- first breakthrough occurred. I be- mate marriage by not telling the gan by telling the “whole” truth. whole truth about who you are. I used the meetings to gain my So I took baby steps and began courage. I would practice on the to be more honest about whom group level by telling the truth. I was. It was uncomfortable. It An example is that I would say, still is uncomfortable, but I have “I come to the meetings to get at- more intimacy then I’ve ever ex- tention”, or “Sometimes I get a perienced. It scares the daylights hit when someone comes up after out of me. I didn’t grow up telling the meeting to praise me about the truth about myself. I did not my recovery”. I told the truth any grow up letting others know about opportunity I got. No sugarcoat- who I really am. I did not grow ing. My behavior had been to lie up having closeness. My hope is by omission, to just not tell you that someday I will feel comfort- everything. I call it “selective able being intimate. I keep com- truth telling to avoid conflict”. ing back to S.L.A.A. because the I stopped blaming my hus- women who have more recovery band for my problems. I stopped than I do assure me that my day acting like a victim. There’s a will arrive. I’m choosing to be- huge difference between being a lieve them until I have the faith to victim (which most 12 step peo- know it without a doubt. ple are in some way) and acting Then there is my relationship like one. Acting like a victim is with God. Currently I am work- a choice for staying stuck. The ing on trusting God with regard day I decided to get off the victim to the love addiction. I still do not soapbox is the day I began to heal fully believe that God is with me from Love Addiction. everyday, all day long. I have to My love addict, though, is very make outreach calls to be remind- sneaky. She will do almost any- ed. My vision is to be a steward of thing to get validation for “being God’s Love. right”. The next big step in my My goal is to express God’s 28 the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition love by being a loving wife and Addict’s Happily Ever After Ver- mother more often than not. sion of Love Addiction recovery. That’s not a reality for me yet. I The reality is that I have some re- believe the only way for me to be- covery, but I have a long way to go come more loving is to be open in order to experience intimacy to God’s grace. I believe the only in all my relationships. Leaving way for me to feel lovable is to S.L.A.A., for me, would not be a open to God’s love. Then the des- wise choice. S.L.A.A. offers me peration, loneliness, fear and de- experience. S.L.A.A. offers me spair will melt away. strength. S.L.A.A. offers me hope. Each day I have to say, “God But in order for me to experience please remove the desperation, the promises of S.L.A.A. recovery please remove the control, please that I’m worthy of, I need to keep remove the bad choices so that I coming back. might be a loving steward of Your It’s unfortunate that I (as well love in all my relationships. Fill as all S.L.A.A. members) did not my heart with trust, faith and get loved the way we could have, love. Remove the fear that keeps should have and would like to me from my greatest good. Thy have been when we were grow- will not mine be done. Amen.” ing up. It’s also sad and in many A few weeks ago at a meeting cases downright tragic. Yet to during feelings check-in I said, stay stuck in the past of could “I’m feeling loved and I’m feeling have, should have and would like loving of my husband and fami- to have been is a waste of the life ly”. I meant it because now I only I can have, should have and will tell the truth. I meant it because have. I can learn to be loved. I by the grace of God and work- can learn to love. I can learn to ing the program I am beginning make wise and loving choices for to heal. It’s a miracle that’s been myself. S.L.A.A. promises me a granted to me by God, who’s do- different life if I am willing to do ing for me what I couldn’t do for what is suggested. I’ve had 48 myself. When I began S.L.A.A. years of feeling unlovable, lonely, recovery I had no hope, little faith desperate and hopeless. I’d like and no trust. Now I have some the rest of my life to be different. hope, more faith than before and With God and S.L.A.A. all things a little trust. When I showed up are possible, even a life of emo- 18 months ago I thought, “Well tional sobriety and love! I’ll hang out here for a year, take — Anonymous, Sacramento, CA what I like and leave the rest, and (Issue #122) be on my way”. That was the Love 29 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal Question of the Day

“What has been your biggest achievement in SLAA recovery this year?”

The natural capacity to realize that what I feel is about me. So Feeling better. much freedom comes from it, — James E., Seattle from owning my stuff. It actually gives me a sense of worthiness. First and foremost, I have re- — Christine, Montreal, Canada mained sober and committed to my program amidst a year of tremendous growth and courage. I moved in with my girlfriend – a I am more aware of myself and first – and I’m learning how to getting integrity, less concentrat- cohabitate with love. ing on others. Being here and — Jenny, Los Angeles now, every day. — Luciano, Warsaw, Poland Hope for a beautiful life full of love and serenity becoming the person I truly am. I am joyful for reconnecting — Martin, with my family. I thought that I Mannheim, Germany had lost my brother, but because of my work in this program I now have a loving relationship with My husband and I were sepa- him and I am able to be actively rated due to my acting out. We involved in my nephews’ lives. reconciled and continue to work This is something that wouldn’t on our relationship. We celebrate have been possible without the our 5 year anniversary with a vow program. of renewal this October. — Nicole, Santa Monica CA — Jessica, Houston TX

I have been able to use the tools of recovery to love myself more consistently than at any time in my life. I have to practice this every day, and it’s not always easy. Today I really do love myself. — Brian R., West Palm Beach FL

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About Boundaries When I started my recovery in SLAA at the tender young age of 46, I did not have any boundaries. None. Nada. Zip. Zed. I did not know I had thick walls around me. For most of my life I had been in denial, deeply hidden behind my walls of shame. Very early in my recovery I had an argument with my then soon- to-be ex-wife and I realized that I felt very, very different afterwards. Later that day, during ‘getting current’ with a person wise in the ways of S.L.A.A. recovery I went over the incident and he told me that I had boundaries during the argument. Being the newbie, I responded with the question – “Okay, then what is the difference between walls and boundaries?” The answer that came back was “If you have walls … you start bleeding and you don’t even know you got hit … with boundaries the incoming sort of get close before dropping to the floor near your feet – they don’t get in.” That was 20 years ago and I can still remember how I felt after hearing that – it was like my Higher Power hit me in the forehead with a 2x4. I know that over the years my boundaries have improved a lot, but I do not have a perfect recovery. and, from time-to-time, I find out I have walls instead of boundaries. That’s when I go to a meeting and ask for the topic to be about “boundaries”, because I’m a very slow learner. 31 Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal

When I was growing up in an abusive home I developed walls to keep me safe – then my fetish addiction (and the consequential shame) made those walls even thicker. In recovery, I have learned that my boundaries need to flex—there always needs to be some give and take— and that flexing has been based on being mindful of the present mo- ment. If my boundaries do not flex, they become rigid and I am right back dealing with walls. I know that my boundaries are my choice and in recovery I discov- ered that I had choices. When I remain present, aware and available, especially during what appears to be emotional stress, I can choose to keep my boundaries intact. “While vigilance was still important, the choices we had to make now seemed easier.”1 Boundaries keep me safe while I learn my lessons. I have internal boundaries and external boundaries. For me internal boundaries are basically about not taking on someone else’s opin- ion about me or my actions and then beating myself up because I do not meet their expectations. External boundaries have to be explicitly stated e.g. “If you continue using that kind of language I will leave the conversation.” If I cannot articulate my external boundary then there is no boundary. In addition, I have learned that once I state a boundary, I have to follow through. In the case of above, the person trampled all over my boundary and I literally left the room without saying another word. If I cannot follow through then the boundary setting is incomplete and I have not taken care of my spiritual and emotional well-being. The following quote is paraphrased and I have long forgotten the author. However, I can claim being deeply moved by it, “If I can’t say ‘no’ then how do I know when to say ‘yes’?”2 And that brings me to boundaries in my service work. In recent years I’ve been involved in service work within the S.L.A.A. Conference and Board structure. It’s been a wonder-filled time for me. For years I’d been saying, “I love our fellowship because it saved my life”. With the help of my Higher Power and my sponsor I learned that, just as in my primary relationships, I had to put feet under the words “I love you”. Otherwise I was saying empty words. And so finally, by “walking the walk” I have begun to develop a deeper feeling of gratitude for, and towards, our fellowship.

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In service to our fellowship, just as in other areas of my recovery life, I have found that I need to have good internal and external boundaries. Service work at this level is about my ability to stay focused on the business of the fellowship. If I take our Twelve Traditions to heart I find my overall direction in the closing phrase of Step 12, “to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.”3 Then, by coupling that guid- ance from our founders with Tradition 12, “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”4 I find new depth in the boundary stated there. That brings me to viewing all our 12 Traditions as group boundaries while our 12 Steps remain as my personal boundaries. In 2006 I began working with S.L.A.A. Conference committees and I quickly learned some difficult lessons. I learned that anyone volun- teering in service to our fellowship was not my enemy. I carry many of these lessons from service back to my primary, familial relationships. So, for example, when I find myself occasionally trying to build resentment toward my wife, I literally have to say to myself, “she is not my enemy!” I love S.L.A.A. I’m grateful for my recovery. I express my gratitude by performing service work. My “attitude of gratitude” is an expression of love and all my service work is an act of love. I respect and honor the boundaries expressed in our 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. By honoring those boundaries I show love for myself and everyone else. Thanks to everyone in our fellowship for all the expressions of healing love. — Leon C. Dallas, TX (Issue #123)

(Footnotes) 1The Basic Text for The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, First March- April 2010 edition, p.96 2 Author attribution not known. 3 The Basic Text for The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts, First edition, p. 101 4 The Basic Text for The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts, First edition, p. 123

Q. What do all the world’s great religions have in common? They refer their members to 12 Step recovery from addiction! from recovery Step 12 to members their refer They A.

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A Lovely Way To Live I am so glad to be in this pro- Steps One, Two, and Three. Even gram, and always glad to be in a after years of Loving Power’s help meeting where I can feel the calm and love, I still go through times and soothing presence of my Lov- of forgetting that my Higher Pow- ing Power. It always brings me er is on my side. I might begin to closer to the best part of myself. think that life is out to get me. I I am grateful to be sexually forget to trust! sober today. To me, that means I Throughout the nine years have a choice about intimate rela- I’ve been in program, I cannot tionships, I have options. Instead remember a single time when I of fighting off all the compulsive surrendered in Step One, said yes junk in my mind and heart, like I in Step Two, and then turned it used to do all the time, I find en- over in Step Three, that it has not joyment and fun in learning about turned out well - not one single real love that lasts and what my time. My recovery has not been part is in it. perfect or according to my expec- Learning to love for real is tations, but the great thing is that difficult, yet so much easier than I can surrender again and make a that other thing I used to do. It’s new choice. so good for me to remember that, Making different choices as one day at a time. my life evolves is another great I’m so grateful for the gift of the program. Being willing increased connection to my to love myself, love life, and love Loving Power that comes through others is a new skill. I don’t al- living recovery. New doors have ways know how, and I don’t have opened for me here, new doors to. I’m glad I’m willing and able to better feelings, and then better to learn. This is a lovely way to and better life opportunities as live. time goes by. — Nancy M., Warwick, NY I am relating right now to (Issue #118)

Keep Coming Back. It Works, If You Work It. And You’re Worth It.

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Quotation Corner

“My mind is like a bad neighborhood at night, I shouldn’t go there alone.”

“Nothing changes if nothing changes.”

“God doesn’t close one door before at least opening a window but it’s hell in the hallway.”

“The elevator to recovery is broken. You’ll have to use the steps.”

— Contributed by Eric EE

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