Adopting As a Single Parent

FACTSHEET FOR FAMILIES

October 2013

Adopting as a Single Parent

Many single people are choosing to adopt, reflecting national trends toward greater acceptance of nontraditional What’s Inside: families. Nationally, approximately one-quarter of children • Making the decision to adopt and youth, or about 22 million, are growing up in single- parent households.1 In 2011, nearly one-third of adoptions • The path to adoption from foster care were completed by unmarried people. This • Parenting your child included adoptions by 1,400 single men and more than • Conclusion • Resources 1 U.S. Census Bureau. (2009). Custodial mothers and fathers and their child support: 2007. Washington, DC: Author. Retrieved from http://www.census.gov/prod/2009pubs/ p60-237.pdf

Child Welfare Information Gateway Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS 1250 Maryland Avenue, SW Eighth Floor Washington, DC 20024 800.394.3366 Email: [email protected] Use your smartphone to https://www.childwelfare.gov access this factsheet online. Adopting as a Single Parent https://www.childwelfare.gov

13,000 single women.2 Several research much as you can about the core issues of studies have shown that adopted children adoption, the impact of trauma on children, raised by single parents experience and the special needs that many adopted outcomes that are as good as, if not better children experience can increase your than, those for children adopted by chances for success. couples.3 This factsheet discusses some of the main Despite these statistics, many single people issues to consider when making the decision report that they are more likely than couples to adopt as a single person. to experience challenges in completing an We recognize that this is just a starting point adoption. Biases that persist against single- on your adoption journey. Throughout this parent adoption in some circles reflect some factsheet, we will refer to other resources, of the disadvantages of single parenting, where they are relevant. Much more including greater financial pressures and the information about adoption is available on lack of a second parent with whom to share the Child Welfare Information Gateway responsibilities. Nonetheless, single adoptive website: https://www.childwelfare.gov/ parents are quick to point out that their adoption families also possess unique advantages. For example, some children who have experienced trauma or attachment difficulties may experience a higher degree Making the Decision of consistency and emotional safety with to Adopt single-parent than with dual-parent families. As one single adoptive parent said, The decision to adopt as a single parent involves a series of considerations, “It’s been a journey that I never, including, for some, whether to parent ever expected. One filled with alone (rather than wait for a partner) and challenges, hard times, and changing how to become a parent. This factsheet expectations.” focuses exclusively on the decision to build Although the desire to adopt a child is an your family through adoption. However, emotional one, the more realistic your if you are considering other paths to expectations are, the more likely you will becoming a single parent, you may find that be to complete a successful adoption and many of the issues discussed in this section develop a satisfying lifelong relationship apply to your situation, as well. with your child or children. Learning as It is important to note that there are other

2 U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Children’s options, besides parenting, for making a Bureau. (2012). The AFCARS report: Preliminary FY 2011 difference in children’s lives. If you decide estimates as of July 2012 (No. 19). Washington, DC: Author. single parenting is not right for you, you Retrieved from http://www.acf.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/cb/ can still develop a special relationship afcarsreport19.pdf 3 Shireman, J. F. (1995). Adoptions by single parents. In M. B. with a child as an aunt or uncle, neighbor, Sussman & S. Hanson (Eds.), Single parent families: Diversity, teacher, group or club leader, respite care myths and realities (pp. 367–388). New York, NY: Routledge.

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provider, court-appointed special advocate special physical, mental, or emotional (CASA), mentor, or even as a sponsor to a needs? A child from another country who child in another country. has spent time in institutional care? • If you consider your own parents to be Deciding to Parent part of your support system, consider It is a good idea for anyone making the their ages, health, and well-being. Might decision to parent to explore why you want you find yourself taking on caregiving a child. Experience has shown that if your responsibilities for your own parents urge to parent comes primarily from a desire before your children are grown? Are your to meet your own needs (e.g., loneliness, parents young and healthy enough that disappointment in romantic relationships, they can realistically provide backup unresolved fertility or other losses), childcare and support? parenting will prove more challenging and less satisfying for both you and your child. “I may be a single parent, but I’m not If, however, your desire to parent arises from raising my children alone.” a wish to meet a child’s needs and enjoy Experienced single parents suggest that you a relationship with him or her, adoption talk to friends and family about specific has a greater chance of a positive outcome. needs that might arise after you bring your As a single parent, some additional child home. For example: considerations include your support system, your job, and your finances. • Who will come over to help when you or your child is sick? Your Support System • Who will answer a phone call in the All parents need support; as a single parent, middle of the night? your support system will be especially • Who lives close by and can provide help critical. Consider the following questions at a moment’s notice, if needed? about your relationships with family and friends: • Is there someone you would trust to provide respite overnight or for a • Do you have people you are close to? Do weekend? you feel comfortable calling on them for help, and accepting help when they offer • Who could pick up your child from it? school, if you were stuck at work or in traffic? • Are your friends and family supportive of your decision to parent alone? • Whom could you trust to act as guardian for your child, in the event of your death? • How might your friends and family feel about the children who are available for If you have difficulty answering some of adoption? For example, will they support these questions, you may need to consider you in parenting an older child? A child whether your support system is strong of another race/ethnicity? A child with enough, or whether it might be advisable to focus on expanding it before you

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adopt. Keep in mind that biological family members are just one option: friends and A NOTE ABOUT ROMANTIC “chosen family” may be just as important RELATIONSHIPS to you. Some families have even “adopted” grandparents. Other adoptive and single- If you decide to adopt, you may want parent families also can be a great source of to put dating on hold, at least for a mutual support or occasional respite. Your while. You should expect to spend your support system will naturally evolve over first few months to several years of time, and it is possible that new people will parenthood forming a secure, one-on- come into your life because of your child. one attachment as your child’s primary Unexpected new relationships are one of the caregiver. Even after that time, dating great benefits of parenting alone, if you are as a single adoptive parent poses some open to them. Nonetheless, it is essential significant challenges. These include to have strong supports in place prior to limited time and babysitting options, bringing your child home, and well before a as well as questions about when to crisis. introduce children to a new relationship and how to educate a new partner about “It really does take a village … and adoption issues and any special needs the best village is other adoptive your child might have. parents.”

No matter how wonderful your support Your Job system, you will be the sole parent for your child. The lack of time for yourself and As a single parent, it is likely that you the amount of pressure and responsibility will be a working parent. Make sure your involved in parenting alone are significant expectations are realistic by envisioning factors to consider. Be honest with yourself what your weekdays will be like, in about your parenting style and expectations. addition to imagining weekends and other If you have very high expectations for special times with your child. Consider yourself or your children, or a tendency to the hours spent working, commuting, and be inflexible, single parenting may prove sleeping, as well as other routine parenting especially difficult. responsibilities such as preparing meals, completing housework, and helping with homework. Also evaluate the nature of your work and your employer’s culture. How compatible is your present career with the life of a single parent? For example: • Do you consider your employer to be family friendly? • Are there other parents and single parents in roles similar to yours at the company? If you are hoping for further promotions, how might parenting affect this goal?

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• What is your company’s policy regarding support a child, be sure to look beyond sick days and personal leave time? Are the initial cost to complete the adoption, these days adequate to care for both your including the following: own and your child’s illnesses? (Keep in • Child care (while you are working as well mind that children, even those without as babysitters and respite care) special needs, are sick quite often during their early years while their immune • Afterschool care and summer camps for systems are developing. You may find school-age children that you are sick more often than usual, • Medical care (including potential too.) therapies for grief and loss, attachment • How much travel does your job require? difficulties, learning disabilities, or other Is travel optional or flexible? Can you special needs) bring your child with you, or who will • Activities (sports, music, etc.) care for him or her while you are away? • Education • Does your job offer comprehensive medical benefits that will cover the cost This is not to say that only wealthy parents of your child’s medical and mental health can successfully raise healthy, happy needs? children. Children need loving families, first and foremost. However, financial stress • Does your schedule allow for some can be greater in single-parent households, flexibility, such as leaving at a moment’s which rely on one income and often have notice if you get a call from your child’s little to fall back on in the case of a layoff, school, or working from home when your job loss, or disability that prevents the sole child is under the weather? parent from working. Your Finances If you adopt a child with special needs “You don’t have to be rich and do from foster care, your child will most likely fancy things, but it takes more than be eligible for adoption assistance. If you love.” adopt through private or intercountry adoption, your child may also be eligible Cost is another consideration when for nonrecurring expenses and, although becoming a single parent. According to a it is rare, these children are sometimes also 2011 U.S. Department of Agriculture survey, eligible for adoption subsidy. Each State’s single-parent families with one child under policy around adoption assistance varies, age 18 spend between $10,000 and $12,000 and you should review what your particular per year on child-related expenses.4 When State offers in terms of State subsidies.5 The considering whether you can comfortably amount of this subsidy, however, will not be enough to cover all of the costs of caring 4 Lino, Mark. (2012). Expenditures on children by families, 2011 (Miscellaneous Publication Number 1528-2011). Alexandria, VA: for a child. In addition, keep in mind that United States Department of Agriculture, Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion. Retrieved from http://www.cnpp.usda. 5 For State-by-State information on adoption assistance, visit gov/Publications/CRC/crc2011.pdf https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adopt_assistance.

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some costs, such as buying a larger house to your life will change if you adopt and to accommodate your family or contributing what degree the responsibilities of parenting to college tuition, will extend beyond the conflict with work demands. You will get a subsidy period. realistic idea of how tired you may feel, how your parenting style may differ from what Can I Adopt? you expected or how it changes under stress, Many people considering becoming parents and whether your current support system is may wonder whether adoption is a viable adequate. You also may develop a better idea option in their situation. For example, of what kinds of children you are and are you may be wondering, “Can I adopt if I not willing or able to parent. For example, am divorced or widowed? What if I have you may wonder about adopting an older never been married?” Some people question youth or whether you are equipped to care whether they are too old or young to adopt, for a child who is medically fragile. or whether they have a high enough income If you decide to pursue foster parenting, it is or enough assets to qualify. Gay men and important to be as honest as you can with lesbian women (single or partnered) may yourself and your caseworker about your wonder whether a single parent adoption reasons for fostering, what you can handle is an option for them. The answers to these emotionally, and what kind of support questions will depend on many factors, you are willing and able to provide to a including the State in which you live, the child. The majority of children in foster agency with which you decide to work, and care return to their biological families.6 In the child or children you wish to adopt. these cases, foster parents must be willing The following publication discusses State to support the child in working toward a laws regarding eligibility for becoming an positive reunification with their family. On adoptive parent (in terms of marital status, the other hand, when parents are not able age, residency, and more): https://www. to correct the conditions that brought their childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/ children into foster care, the goal changes statutes/parties.pdf to adoption. More than half of children adopted from foster care are adopted by For more information and resources about their foster parents.7 Being clear up front factors that might affect your eligibility about whether you are ready to make a to adopt, see the Information Gateway permanent commitment to a child may help webpage Who Can Adopt? at https:// minimize additional trauma that would be www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adoptive/ caused by his or her move to another family. whocan.cfm For more information about foster A Word About Foster Parenting parenting: https://www.childwelfare.gov/ outofhome/resources_kinship/resources_ Some people consider foster parenting as a foster_families.cfm step to deciding whether adoption is right

for them. There are some advantages to this 6 U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Children’s approach. Providing foster care to a child in Bureau, AFCARS report. your home will give you a good idea of how 7 Ibid.

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United States took place in 1965.8 In 2011, close to one-third of the children adopted The Path to Adoption from foster care (30 percent) were adopted by single people.9 Although these adoptive Once you have made the decision that parents have traditionally been almost adoption is right for you, you may consider exclusively women, more than 1,400 foster several different ways to adopt a child. care adoptions were completed by single It is important to understand that the men in 2011. types of adoption described here are more similar than they are different. All forms of Single-Parent Eligibility: adoption involve some trauma and loss for In an adoption from foster care, the decision the child, although the degree varies greatly. about whether to place a child in a single- No matter how old the child is at the time parent home will be made by the child’s of adoption, or how he or she joins your caseworker in accordance with agency family, adoption-related issues may arise at policy and beliefs about the child’s best any point during his or her life. interests; therefore, be sure to ask questions For more information about concerns about policy and preferences when selecting for adopted people, see Lifelong Impact of an agency (see Selecting an Agency). In Adoption: https://www.childwelfare.gov/ some cases, the agency or caseworker may adoption/adopt_people/impact.cfm prefer to place children in a two-parent home when possible. However, there is For more information about the adoption growing recognition in the field that some process in general, see Adoption: Where Do children function better in the right single- I Start? at https://www.childwelfare.gov/ parent home (for example, when a child pubs/f_start.pdf has suffered trauma or has attachment difficulties). Choosing a Type of Adoption Risks: This section covers some of the factors and characteristics of various types of adoption, Many children adopted from foster care will including single-parent eligibility, risks, have some special physical, mental, social, and financial assistance. More information or emotional needs. Be honest with yourself about the different types of adoption can be and your caseworker as you consider your found in the Information Gateway factsheet ability to cope with various needs and your Adoption Options: https://www.childwelfare. willingness to access support and respite gov/pubs/f_adoptoption.pdf care services.

Foster Care Adoption Adoption from foster care by single people 8 Herman, E. (2012). Single parent adoptions [Webpage]. is fairly common. The first formal effort to Eugene, OR: The Adoption History Project. Retrieved from http://pages.uoregon.edu/adoption/topics/ engage single parents for adoption in the singleparentadoptions.htm 9 U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Children’s Bureau, AFCARS report.

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child with special needs, be sure that you understand what kinds of assistance he or The term “special needs” has a she is eligible for, under what circumstances, specific meaning within the adoption and for how long. community that has to do with a child’s ability to qualify for Federal Further Information: adoption assistance (subsidy). • Adopting Children From Foster Care: Children may receive this label for https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/ any of several reasons, including their adoptive/foster_care.cfm age, membership in a sibling group, or ethnic background, in addition Intercountry Adoption to medical, physical, or emotional Many single people have successfully built disabilities. For more information, see their families by adopting children from Information Gateway’s “Special Needs” other countries. Adoption: What Does It Mean? at https:// www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/ Single-Parent Eligibility: specialneeds/ Eligibility guidelines for adoptive parents are set by the sending country and change You may be asked if you are willing to frequently. Some countries permit adoptions accept the placement of a child in your by single people, but most do not. Other home who is not yet legally freed for requirements, such as the age limit for adoption. If you say yes, you are agreeing adoptive parents, may be different for single to support the child’s positive reunification people than for married couples applying with his or her birth family or relatives, if to adopt. In some countries, single parents that becomes an option. If the birth family are permitted to adopt children with special is unable to complete the steps necessary needs only, or the percentage of children to reunify their family, then their parental who can be placed with single parents may rights will be terminated, making the be limited. child eligible for adoption. By taking on this risk yourself, you are minimizing the Information about country-specific child’s risk of another move and additional guidelines can be found on the U.S. trauma. However, consider whether this Department of State website: http:// level of uncertainty is tolerable for you, your adoption.state.gov/country_information. support system, and any other children php living in your home. Risks: Financial Considerations: There are many reasons why people decide Many children with special needs who that adopting a child from another country are adopted from foster care are eligible is right for them. However, if your reason for Federal and State adoption assistance for considering intercountry adoption is to (subsidy) to help with the cost of their avoid issues and needs that are common continued care. If you are adopting a among waiting children in foster care in

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the United States, be aware that many or subsidies to offset the costs of medical children adopted from other countries or other therapy needs in rare cases. Each share similar histories and characteristics. In State’s policy around adoption assistance addition to the trauma of being separated varies, and you should review what your from their birth parents, which every particular State offers in terms of State adopted child experiences, many children subsidies for children adopted through adopted internationally spend time in intercountry adoption.10 Parents adopting orphanages, without the care and attention via intercountry adoption are still eligible of a dedicated adult. This can affect their for the Federal tax credit. current well-being, as well as their ability Further Information: to form healthy attachments later in life. In addition, little may be known about your • Adopting Children From Another child’s genetic history, life experiences, and/ Country: https://www.childwelfare.gov/ or medical status prior to adoption. adoption/adoptive/other_country.cfm Because you are often matched with a child Private Domestic Adoption for some time prior to completing the adoption, there is a chance that changes in Domestic adoption of infants through diplomatic relations between the United a licensed private agency or through an States and the sending country, or changes attorney (independent adoption) is the least in the sending country’s adoption laws common way for single people (or married and policies, may delay or prevent you couples) to become adoptive parents. Fewer from bringing your child home. Working infants are available for adoption than were with a reputable adoption service provider just a few decades ago, in part because of the experienced in intercountry adoption may decreased stigma regarding single parenting, reduce but will not completely eliminate so the wait for a healthy infant can be long. this risk. Agency and birth family preferences also play a significant role. However, some single Financial Considerations: adoptive parents do take this route. In addition to agency fees and other costs, Single-Parent Eligibility: completing an intercountry adoption often requires travel to the sending country to Birth families, and particularly birth meet and bring your child home. Countries mothers, are increasingly involved in the vary in their requirements for the number selection of adoptive parents for their and length of these visits. This travel has infants. Some birth mothers express a benefits in addition to costs—you will preference for two-parent families, and learn more about your child and his or her some choose single parents over eligible country of origin, and you may find yourself couples. Agency, caseworker, or attorney developing a special bond with a country biases may affect your eligibility to adopt and people very different from your own. or the likelihood that a birth mother will Children adopted via intercountry adoption 10 For State-by-State information on adoption assistance, visit may be eligible for nonrecurring expenses https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adopt_assistance.

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be discouraged from selecting you to parent privately, who are SSI-eligible, would also be her child, so be sure to ask a lot of questions eligible for adoption assistance. Each State’s when selecting an agency or attorney (see policy around adoption assistance varies, next section, Selecting an Agency). and you should review what your particular State offers in terms of State subsidies Risks: for children adopted through private Adopting an infant through private adoption.11 Their parents are still eligible for domestic adoption carries the least risk the Federal adoption tax credit (as of July for trauma that may occur before a child 2013). is placed in your home. However, all Further Information: adoptions involve loss, and it is common for issues related to adoption to surface in even • Adopting Infants Domestically Through the happiest of homes. Although you are a Licensed Private Agency or an Attorney likely to have a fair amount of information (Independent Adoption): https://www. about the birth mother, there still may childwelfare.gov/adoption/adoptive/ be unknowns about your child’s genetic domestic_adopt.cfm history or prenatal care—and as with any child, whether joining your family by birth Selecting an Agency or adoption, there are no guarantees that Obviously, one of the first things to special needs will not arise. learn about any adoption agency you You may be matched with a birth mother are considering will be its policy and for some time (even months) prior to your preferences regarding single-parent child being born. Despite any agreements adoptions. If agency personnel seem critical made prior to that time, the birth family or discouraging of your choice, you will always has a certain window of time after likely be better served to find another the birth in which to change their minds agency. Assuming the agency is welcoming about adoption. (Learn more about a to single people, as many are, you may want birth family’s rights to revoke consent in to explore these additional questions: Information Gateway’s Consent to Adoption: • Is the agency licensed to provide https://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/ adoption services in your State? laws_policies/statutes/consent.cfm) Working with a reputable adoption service provider • What accreditations does the agency (agency or attorney) that provides extensive hold? (Agencies that have been accredited counseling for birth families, and birth have gone through a review process mothers in particular, can help minimize focused on providing quality services.) but will never completely eliminate this risk. • What kind of counseling and support do Financial Considerations: staff offer to the birth family? (It is better for you, the birth family, and your child if Children adopted via private domestic the birth family feels at peace with their adoption may be eligible for adoption

assistance to help offset the costs of any 11 For State-by-State information on adoption assistance, visit medical or therapy needs. Children adopted https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adopt_assistance.

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decision and the plan they have made for • Address your own losses. How have their child.) you dealt with past experiences of loss (which might include infertility, romantic • What kinds of classes or workshops relationships, childhood trauma, or even does the agency offer that will help you just your idea of a “perfect” family)? understand the needs of children waiting As one adoptive parent said, “You will to be adopted? be triggered constantly by your child’s • What degrees of openness in adoption losses,” so it is a good idea to get some does the agency support? (For more about professional support, if needed. open adoptions, see Contact With Birth • Learn as much as you can about the types Family: https://www.childwelfare.gov/ of children available for adoption. If you adoption/adoptive/contacts.cfm) have not already, spend time around • What kinds of postadoption support do the age and type of child that you are staff provide (support groups, ongoing considering adopting, as well as children training, online forums, respite)? Do they from diverse backgrounds and with have any support specifically for single varying needs and abilities. Know your parents? limits and be clear about what you can and cannot live with. Preparing to Bring Your Child Home • If you are considering adopting a “Most families get 9 months to prepare child from a different racial or ethnic [for a child]. I got a phone call.” background from yours, learn as much as you can about the child’s heritage, You may not know exactly when a child will country of origin (if not the United be placed in your home, and in some cases States), and issues facing transracial it can happen with little advance notice. families. Connect with families and That’s why experienced single parents adults who “look like” your child or recommend beginning to prepare for your family. Now is a great time to build adoption early, even before you are matched relationships and bolster your support with a child. The following suggestions may system. help: • Learn how the child welfare system works Before you are matched with a child: (if adopting from foster care) and what • Get training on the core issues of kind of postadoption services or supports adoption. Understand the importance your agency provides. of attachment and forming a strong, • Create a support system specifically for secure bond with your child. Learn as you and your adoption process. Meet much as you can about the special needs regularly with a small group of chosen an adopted child might have, including friends who can support you in different trauma, attachment disorders, and fetal ways. This can be a huge help before, alcohol spectrum disorder. during, and after you adopt.

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• Connect with an adoption support group. Bonding With Your Child This is an excellent way to get your The quality of your relationship with your questions answered and learn more about child will have a tremendous impact on how to handle possible challenges before his or her well-being. When your child they arise. first comes home, plan to spend dedicated After you are matched with a child, before your time (as much as your job and finances will child comes home: allow) creating an environment where he or she feels safe, secure, and loved. Keep • Get training on anything you can in mind that, no matter how old they are related to your specific child and his or when they come to your home, they are her history, including his or her ethnic experiencing a loss of everything they have background, country of origin, traumas, known and are probably frightened. Some or special needs. suggestions to help children feel secure • Identify local providers of adoption- include: competent therapy and other supports • Establish regular routines and keep to that you and your child might need. them, so your child knows what to expect • Share as much information as you can and learns that she or he can rely on you. about your child with your existing • Allow your child to choose favorite or support system, so that you get a sense familiar foods (if old enough), and make of what they can and will help with, sure he or she knows that there is plenty and what additional supports might be of it. helpful. • Encourage your child to keep a comfort • If your child will be adopted object close by (e.g., a favorite blanket or internationally, prepare yourself to stuffed animal). gather any and all information available about your child at the time of his or her • After returning to work, keep a flexible placement. You may never get another schedule, if possible, so that you can be chance to ask those important questions. home when your child is home (after school with an older child, for example). “When it comes to helping your child Parenting Your Child feel secure, the little things are huge … Slow down your expectations and take Parenting advice is everywhere these it one moment at a time.” days, fueling countless books, blogs, and websites. The information below is by The need for bonding does not end as the no means comprehensive, but it does child grows. For older children, showing represent some tips from experienced single interest in their hobbies, books, movies, adoptive parents. You can find much more games, and TV shows is a great way to stay information about parenting after adoption connected. Find activities that you both on the Information Gateway website: enjoy. https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/ adopt_parenting/

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“You have to take opportunities to • Include an extra candle on your child’s have fun with your kids. If the two birthday cake in recognition and thanks of you are connected, your child is for the child’s birth/first family. much less likely to get into trouble and • Emphasize that adoption was a conscious, more likely to come to you for help if thoughtful choice on your part (and the needed.” part of the birth family, if applicable). Make it clear that your child is loved and Making Adoption Feel “Normal” wanted. Whenever possible, avoid comparing your family to others—as a single-parent, • Bring up adoption and its related losses adoptive family, you are going to look and from time to time. “I wonder if your birth behave in ways that are different from other parents were good at sports. Do you ever families. If your child is of a different race, wonder about that?” you will likely encounter some racism and other challenges. Your status as an adopted Self-Care family will be more visible to others, and “We need to take care of ourselves, you (or your child) may at times find too. It’s okay to need help and to rely yourself asked to be a “spokesperson” for on other people.” adoption. Many adoptive parents find Although every family is different, most that the joys of sharing their lives with a single parents agree on one thing: You child and embracing another culture or must continue to meet your own needs! community far outweigh these difficulties. This is not always easy. However, taking Do get in the habit of talking about time for yourself will be important to adoption often, as a matter of course, so that maintaining your health and well-being. it doesn’t become a “secret” or something Some recommendations from other single the child is afraid to bring up. Some ideas adoptive parents include the following: from other single parents include the • Continue to build and maintain following: your support network. This includes • Create a Lifebook for your child. Be sure nonadoption friendships, as well as your to include entries that relate to his or adoption support friends. her life before joining your family. If you • Attend trainings about adoption issues don’t have actual photos or information, and/or your child’s special needs include what you do know or have (e.g., regularly. In addition to enhancing an image of China’s flag). your knowledge and skills, these are • Each year, celebrate the day your child opportunities for you to make social came home or the date of your family’s connections and reduce feelings of adoption finalization. This might be isolation. referred to as “the day we became a • Do something you enjoy, just for you, family.” at least a couple of times per week. This

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could be as simple as taking a bath or • With each additional child, the chance a short bike ride, or pursuing a creative that one of them will have significant hobby. special needs increases. • Build positive memories with your • Your support system will become even children. Find things that you can all more important when one child has a enjoy together—it doesn’t matter what medical or therapy appointment, or for the activity is, as long as you are laughing any reason your children simply need and having fun. to be in two different places at the same time. • Celebrate small successes with your children. • Children with trauma backgrounds and attachment issues often do better one on • Commit to having some regular child one. This can be difficult to balance as a care. Consider establishing a trade system single parent with more than one child. with other single parents; they may be your best and most reliable source of • On the other hand, as children get older help. they often appreciate the company and camaraderie of siblings. The sibling • Take advantage of respite opportunities relationship also may relieve some of when you can. This could be a weeklong the pressure you experience as their sole vacation, a weekend away, or even just parent. getting a babysitter for a few hours’ break. • If you start to feel overwhelmed, reach out and get help! Asking for help does Conclusion not mean you have failed. “It’s important to give yourself that Although adopting as a single parent may break, to get away.” feel overwhelming at times, the bottom line is this: Many single people have successfully Adopting Again adopted children, and many more are parenting adopted children alone due to It is natural after a successful adoption to divorce, deployment, or death of a spouse. think about bringing another child into Most single parents agree that the joy of your family. Any family with more than one bringing a child into your life far outweighs child must consider how they will balance the hard work required. Millions of children the children’s needs for parental time, are growing up healthy and happy in energy, and affection. Financial concerns single-parent households, and—with a little and needs such as child care also increase in preparation and hard work—yours can, too. any family when adding a second child. The Like all worthwhile journeys, the path of following are some specific considerations single adoptive parenthood is easiest when suggested by single adoptive parents: taken one step at a time.

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For more information about parenting • Adoption Today/Fostering Families Today. adopted children, see Parenting After Resources for foster care, domestic Adoption on the Child Welfare Information adoption, and intercountry adoption. Gateway website: https://www.childwelfare. http://www.fosteringfamiliestoday.com/ gov/adoption/adopt_parenting/ • Adoptive Families: Single Adopters and Parents Resources. Adoptive Families articles, books, and other resources for Resources single adoptive parents. http://www. adoptivefamilies.com/singles The following is a brief selection of resources • ATTACh. An international coalition of that may be of particular interest to those professionals and families dedicated considering single parent adoption. For to helping those with attachment the most recent resources related to single difficulties. www.attach.org parent adoption and other adoption issues, search the Child Welfare Information • North American Council on Adoptable Gateway Library: https://www.childwelfare. Children. Offers information and gov/library/ resources about how to adopt, adoption subsidies, parent groups, postadoption Books support, and more. http://www.nacac.org • Adoption for Singles: Everything You Need to Know to Decide If Parenthood Is for • The SEEA-L List. A mailing list for single You. Second Edition. Victoria Solsberry. parents who are involved in adoption CreateSpace Independent Publishing from Eastern Europe. Preadoption Platform, 2010. parents are welcome. http://eeadopt.org/ subscribe-today-mainmenu-71/63-the- • Single Adoptive Parents: Our Stories. seea-l-list-single-adopters.html Sherry Fine and Lee Varon. Bookstand Publishing, 2012. • Single Mothers by Choice. Provides support and information to single • Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How women who are considering, or have Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and chosen, single motherhood. http://www. Foster Families. Jayne Schooler, Betsy singlemothersbychoice.org/ Keefer Smalley, and Timothy Callahan. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 2009. • Yahoo! Adoption Groups. Chat groups for almost any adoption topic or type of Online Resources adoption. http://dir.groups.yahoo.com/ • Adoption Learning Partners. Wide dir/1600042055. range of online training on a variety of adoption-related topics. http://www. adoptionlearningpartners.org/index.cfm

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration for Children and Families Administration on Children, Youth and Families Children’s Bureau