Cold Open:

2019 - the perfect year to talk about the moon landing. It’s the 50th anniversary of the first moon landing!

IF we landed there at all. Duh duh DUH!

A lot of skeptics think that we did not. That we still have not. And I like skeptics! Skepticism is good… to a point. As the cliche goes, it’s great to have an open mind, as long as it’s not SO open that your brain falls out.

For this episode of The Suck, we are going to look at a lot of anti-moon landing skepticism and then you can decide if moon landing denial is reasonable skepticism, or, if wackadoodle brains have indeed fallen out of wackadoodle skulls.

I get why people question the moon landing. I really do. I think the disbelief is less about the moon and more about not trusting the government in general. And, the government has for sure lied to us from time to time.

And - the circumstances surrounding the Moon landing further fuel a faked landing scenario. The United States was in the middle of the cold war space race with the USSR and had everything to gain from getting to the moon first. Getting their first meant winning an important national morale race that had been ongoing for over a decade. The United States had INCENTIVE to fake a landing. A lot of it. We were EXTREMELY concerned with the Soviet Union in the 1950s and 1960s. The Cold War and the Big Red Scare was very much a part of US national culture. The Russians making it to the moon first would’ve stabbed US national pride right in the middle of its red, white, and blue heart. If democracy really was superior to communism, if the US really was superior to the Soviet Union - then why did they make it to the moon when we couldn’t? Are they better than us? It might sound a little silly now but the cultural stakes were high.

And - is it really past the limits of decency for some politicians to come up with some fake space fucker-y? How about Richard Nixon and his crew? Nixon was president when the landing went down and he turned out to be a proven liar in a way that was exceptional even for politicians. That dude is the only US president to ever resign and he resigned because he was about to be kicked the fuck out of the Oval Office for that whole Watergate scandal which involved a lot of big lies.

Then, also fueling moon landing conspiracies, is the fact that we haven’t sent another astronaut to the moon since 1972. That was a LONG TIME ago. Technology has come A LONG way since 1972. VHS tapes didn’t even come out until 1976. Now a base model cell phone can take and play better video than the most advanced video technology of 1976. The first mobile phone call happened in 1973. Now almost every twelve-year-old in America has a cell phone that doubles as a computer WAY more powerful than any computer that existed in 1972.

So why hasn’t space technology evolved in the same way?

If we really did land men on the moon between 1969 and 1972, why don’t we have bases on the moon now? Why don’t we have colonies and malls and Starbucks and rush hour traffic on the moon?

Not going back in so long is another reason that a faked moon landing is one of the most popular conspiracies around today. A 1999 Gallup poll found that 6% of Americans believed the moon landing was faked. That’s millions of people who don’t believe we actually landed on the moon. Millions of people in just this country. Over 16 million if the percentage still holds. That’s more people than the population of New York City. That’s more than thirty-three of fourty-four countries. That’s a lot of potentional wackadoodle. https://news.gallup.com/poll/3712/landing-man-moon-publics-view.aspx

We’ll see if we can change that percentage a bit as we take a hard look at how NASA claims it made it to the moon. We’ll examine the Space Race between the Soviet Union and America that resulted in the controversial moon landing. And we’ll look at a variety of theories regarding how and why the landing was faked, today, on another conspiratorial edition of Timesuck!

PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO

I. Welcome! A. Happy Monday: Happy Monday you Timesucking Meatsacks!! Hail Lucifina! I’m thinking about her today for some reason. Probably because she’s smart, sassy, and sexy as Hell.

Welcome to the Cult of the Curious. Get ready to have fun stuffing more info into your learning hole.

I’m Dan Cummins, the Master Sucker, the Head Meat Sack, Hovercraft Captain of the SS Suck. And you are listening to Timesuck.

Got a solid Suck for you today. And, if you don’t stick around for updates at the end of the show, you may want to today. Got some golden ones. Some really, really, REALLY cool updates.

B. Thank You For Reviews: Thanks so much for the recent iTunes ratings and reviews - just passed 7,000 ratings on iTunes and they really do help a ton. They are all appreciated!

Rating and reviewing is the cheapest and best way to spread the suck outside of telling your friends. It has to do with some crazy algorithm over at iTunes that pushes the most rated and reviewed and subscribed podcasts to the top of the charts where new people can find a new show. And I always mention iTunes because that’s where analysts say the overwhelming majority of people listen to podcasts. We also exist on various Android platforms, tons of third part podcast players, our very own Timesuck app available in the Apple and Google Play stores, and also on Spotify, Pandora and Youtube if you want to see my goofy face. And on Spotify - you can easily bounce over and listen to six different standup albums of mine.

C. Tour Dates: If you want to hear some new standup, come out to a Happy Murder tour date.

I’ll be at the Texas Theater in Dallas on April 26th. The Secret Group in Houston on the 27th. Late show added for that date! 18 and up instead of the normal 21 and up for those shows. So get on out young Suckers!

The Punchline in San Francisco May 1st - 4th, Live Ant Hill Kids on the Saturday the 4th looking like it’s gonna sell out.

May 9th-11th I’ll be at Laugh Boston in Boston, MA. And then another live Ant Hill Kids Suck in Spokane on Sunday, May 19th, the Comedy Zone in Jacksonville, Florida, May 30th, 31st, and June 1st. And more dates coming up right after those.

Ticket info for the entire 2019 Happy Murder Standup Tour at dancummins.tv

D. 2019 The Gathering: GATHERING: Reminder about Timesuck The Gathering! Get your calendars out! Make some vacation plans!

On April 29th at 12 noon PST, we are selling tickets to The Gathering! A Timesuck social event that will take place right here in CDA where you can see the Suck Dungeon, meet other Timesuckers and Space Lizards, and hang in the heart of Suckdom.

The Gathering will happen on Saturday, August 17th, 2019.

You get a personal tour of the Suck Dungeon and then a private dinner at Timesucker ran 10/6 where they will have a Timesucker themed private menu. The whole restaurant will be ours for food, drinks, giveaways and community.

Tickets are first come, first serve. Each person may only buy two tickets.

To buy tickets, you will go to the Timesuck Merch Shopify website and select The Gathering tab when they go on sale Monday, April 29th at Noon!

Make sure you read all the directions and include your shirt size and mailing address and your preferred tour time at the Suck Dungeon. You will receive your official ticket in the mail, at least 2 weeks before the event.

E. Segue to Topic: Now let’s keep on Sucking and Suck into the Moon Landing Conspiracy. Space awaits! PAUSE TIMESUCK INTERLUDE

II. Intro/Establish Premiss: Right out of the gates I have to say that looking into moon landing conspiracies which led to understanding why we wanted to land on the moon in the first place, and why humans are interested in space exploration in general, and the, um, “interesting” beliefs many people have about the moon was a blast to research.

There is a LOT of moon info on the web! And luckily not all of it is written by British wackadoodle supreme and conspiracy LIVING FUCKING LEGEND David Icke! Not everyone shares David’s belief in the “moon matrix.” In David Icke’s 2010 book Human Race Get Off Your Knees: The Lion Sleeps No More, David says, and I QUOTE:

“The Moon is the Reptilian Control Centre and it is manipulating and regulating life on Earth in extraordinary detail… The Reptilians are broadcasting a false reality from the Moon that humans are decoding into what they think is a physical world. It is a vibrational construct, the same as the reality portrayed in the Matrix movies… The Moon, like all “physicality” is a waveform phenomenon that we decode into a hologram that only exists as such in our decoded reality…”

So, you know, that’s ONE school of thought regarding the moon.

David doesn’t think we ever landed on the moon because the moon isn’t a moon - it’s a vehicle of oppression! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE! What we call the moon is really some sort of Lizard Illuminati mind- control Death Star.

There are no shortage of people who don’t believe for a hot minute that a human has stepped foot on the moon. My own great-grandfather John apparently staunchly believed the moon landing was a hoax.

Did Stanley Kubrick actually help shoot the whole moon landing scene on a soundstage to help the US win the Cold War like my grandfather thought? Is landing on the moon a fantasy? Scientifically impossible or at least far beyond our technological possibilities? Or, is it definitely possible to land on the moon? What does the science actually say?

There is a lot to unpack when it comes to the moon landing conspiracy How about we start with a little bit of cultural context. I like that. Any long time listeners know that by now. What was happening in 1969 when we SUPPOSEDLY landed on the moon? What was happening with the whole “space race?”

July 16th, 1969 - that’s the day NASA tricked the world into thinking they launched Apollo spacecraft 11 carrying Commander Neil Armstrong, Command Module Pilot Michael Collins and Lunar Module Pilot Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin. Damn you illuminati! https://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/apollo/missions/apollo11.html

Two years after the summer of love, Americans and Russians were itching to get off this rock and take a step toward becoming a multi- planetary species.

In the background of the Space Race between the US and the Soviet Union - a race to see which country possessed superior technology that could be militarized - which nation was scientifically capable of putting a man on the moon - who wins, democracy or communism? - there was the Vietnam War, a constant fear of the Cold War between Russia and the US into some WW3 apocalyptic nuclear attack, the counter culture and anti-war protests culminating in hundreds of thousands of protesters for peace in DC and also several peace-based music festivals. This included the iconic and largest of 1969’s music festivals, Woodstock, with an estimated 400,000 plus people rocking it out for peace. If I could pick one music festival in history to attend - Woodstock would be it. Joe Cocker’s rendition of the Beatle’s “With a Little Help From My Friends” from that concert may be my favorite live song of all time.

“What would you do if I sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me you ears, and I’ll - sing you a song. I will try not to sing out of key.

Oh, baby I get by (Ah, with a little help from my friends)”

That shit speaks to my soul!

Gas was .35 cents a gallon in 1969, the cost of a home averaged around $15,500, and Easy Rider, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid were the most popular movies. Still need to watch Easy Rider. I’m ashamed I haven’t yet. CLASSIC Dennis Hopper. http://www.thepeoplehistory.com/1969.html

It had been a little over a year since the death of Martin Luther King Jr, and there were so many things to be worried and/or excited about. Tops amongst them for many was space travel, partly thanks to massive amounts of pro space propaganda.

III. We’re Going to the Moon!

Although there are several other moons just in our solar system alone, we call our moon “THE Moon” because fuck other planet’s moons. (HIGHLANDER VOICE) There can be only one EARTH MOON!

The US Moon landing - IF IT HAPPENED - was televised for an audience of approximately 530 million on July 20, 1969. That’s the day we won the race. If it was real. If it WAS fake - it was and remains the highest rated short film of all time. And, actually, we still won if it was faked, which I do not believe at all btw - we still won in that case, we just cheated.

Random moon landing trivia - on that summer date - Neil Armstrong actually may not have said his super famous quote, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” That quote may have been a little bit of a flub - he was apparently supposed to say “That’s one step for “A” man, one giant leap for mankind.”

And he may have said that but that’s not what the world heard. Recent analysis shows that the signal was likely muffled. https:// www.snopes.com/fact-check/one-small-misstep/ That lack of a single letter certainly doesn’t negate any of the awesomeness of the accomplishment, but that must have stung a little bit. This mush mouth understands this. I think on every standup comedy album I’ve made, there are at least four or five jokes that came out differently than I planned.

And conspiracies about the moon landing started the moment it was televised.

Unlike major events of today, the moon landing was not replayed a thousand times on 24 hour news or thrown on the web to immediately be dissected by the world. It was broadcast live just one time. One time.

Snippets were then played on certain news programs but VCRs weren’t a thing yet, so almost no one could replay what they’d seen. Without being able to go back and rewatch - some people began to question what they had just witnessed and decided that it must have been faked. I mean, how could we get a TV signal from 200,000 miles away when it was still a pain in the ass to pick up a TV signal from a transmitter a few miles away? Even today we still can barely get our cellphones to work under certain types of bridges or random dead zones in the middle of major metropolitan areas. How could a moon landing be broadcast perfectly to television sets around the world way back in 1969? I will admit, it’s confusing to someone like me who lacks a technological or scientific education.

Other concerns people had right away in 1969 were:

1. Why was the video footage watched on home televisions actually a recording of the real footage taken on the moon? Basically - why didn’t the camera on the moon directly feed into a transmitter that broadcast that signal to home televisions? Why was there an extra step involved? We can get a signal from space, but we couldn’t afford to plug in an extra RCA cable to run the image directly to TV? When people found out NASA allegedly filmed the landing with some special camera specially built for recording in space, people started to question if they were even up on the moon at all.

2. Was there actually a discarded coke can in one of the shots? This was an early rumor. 3. Why are there no stars in the images?

4. What’s with the shadows?

5. How would any camera actually work in the extreme climate conditions of the moon?It gets really, really hot and really, really cold there.

6. If the moon has 1/6 the gravity of earth, why didn’t it look like that?

7. Why was Neil Armstrong clearly hanging to the left, when he was known to consistently hang to the right when he was on the Earth?

8. Why was Benny Hill seen chasing two women in the background for a few seconds? (Benny Hill theme song)

9. Why was the shadow of a sketchy, bald, creepy Russian guy with his hand down his sweatpants seen for a moment? “What is big deal? Shadow Chikatilo time travel down? I wrassle on dark side of moon.”

Okay - those last three are nonsense, OBVI - but the others are real.

And another big question many conspiratorial minded folk had was, why would we even actually try to explore space in the first place? Let’s start by answering that one. It’s a big one with a variety of answers.

IV. WHY DO WE EXPLORE SPACE?

A. The question of WHY we explore space is a bit controversial. On one hand, it makes sense intuitively to explore. It’s what humans have always done. We LOVE to explore. New continents. The depths of the oceans. The genitalia of someone we’ve met shortly before the bar closes. We love exploring! It’s not necessarily logical, but AS humans it is in our nature to be curious and to explore. Perhaps the more we know about the universe, the more we know about ourselves. There may also be economic and even national security incentives pertaining to checking out what’s around the earth. What if the moon has a shit ton of oil? Or gold? What if there are some martians out there we need to light up with some ammo?

However - with space - it is SUPER expensive to explore. And, according to what we’ve seen via telescopes and with other technology, zero chance of finding any valuable natural resources anywhere near Earth.

So - with space exploration - are the risks and expense really worth the rewards? Maybe. We’ve ended up using a lot of stuff on Earth that was initially designed for space, or at least designed because of the need for space exploration.

We’ll get to some of these advancements in a bit.

During the cold war space race, NASA spent $23 billion dollars to either make it to the moon or enrich the fat accounts of various illuminati members. In today’s money, adjusted for inflation, that’s almost $170 billion dollars! http://www.historyshotsinfoart.com/ space/backstory.cfm

Wonder what those illuminati members bought with that money? Probably installed diamond floors in their torture fuck dungeons and underground Satanic sacrifice lairs. Probably bought a bunch of cool ceremonial swords and robes made out of virgins’ pubic hair and shoes made out of babies’ faces and other super evil super expensive stuff like that.

I mean, I certainly don’t know for certain, but, I assume that baby face shoes cost a pretty penny.

I mean, you gotta find someone to take and then kill a baby and then carefully take off that baby’s face skin- that’s not gonna be free. That’s gonna take a minute.

What if you have really large feet? You’d either have to wait for a perfectly matched set of quadruplets or really large twins and that can take a while to source?

And then there’s the whole ordeal of how you have to find a gifted cobbler that specializes in making shoes out of baby’s faces - and that motherfucker for SURE doesn’t work for free. Surgeons make more than doctors because they specialize. And, with supply and demand economics being what they are, if there is a high demand amongst upper-level illuminati members for baby skin shoes and there is like one fucking cobbler making those bad boys - that dude or dudette is calling his or her own shots.

And I’ve gotten more than a little off track. And some of those observations came from Jesse Dobner our editor by the way. I thought I went pretty dark and then he took further which is one of the reasons I love him.

What I was trying to say is that space exploration is expensive. And because it’s expensive there is the argument of - “why do it all?” Why worry about trying to get to the moon when we have so many problems we need to try and fix right here on Earth?

So let’s look into how to answer the questions of why it’s important to explore space. And, full disclosure, when I was younger - I was totally against space exploration because of all the problems that need fixing right here on Earth. So, looking for these answers was super interesting to me.

The arguments in favor or space exploration are based mainly in security and our own scientific understanding, plus lightsabers and TIE-Fighters are cool as shit. Just the sheer amount of interest in science fiction can tell you how popular the idea of humans being a multi-planetary species is.

The argument for survival is based in the thought that the universe may not be that safe of a place. Even without some unknown, hostile race of space creatures - the universe is one giant killing field with thousands of deadly variables. There are so many things that can kill us all. From stars exploding, sun storms, solar flares, space debris, asteroids, black holes, gamma ray bursts, whatever the fuck dark matter is and powerful gravitational shifts are just a few possible threats.

And even if we don’t really have to worry about being killed by an outside space threat, we do have to worry about destroying the earth and needing to possibly someday relocate. This might sound a little far-fetched to some, but, it’s a logical concern in my opinion. And since you can’t just quickly put together an intergalactic relocation plan, you need to plan ahead for something like this.

The Earth is full of all kinds of catastrophes - fires, floods, earthquakes, disease, extreme climates, tyrants with access to nuclear weapons, juggalos, carnies, Pineys - Well lookee here now, I got some puke, tastiest puke I ever did lick - out of my woman’s beard - all kinds of crazy shit.

What if a new ice age hits? What if global warming accelerates and crops and livestock die off en masse and trigger global starvation? What if we poison the ocean somehow and throw our world’s entire ecosystem into a deadly tailspin? We might need to leave to survive.

Space travel could ensure that the human race exists into the future, even if the Earth was destroyed. Which is great for humans but maybe not great for the universe. If you look at our species like a cancer, like some of my favorite comics such as Bill Hicks and Doug Stanhope and George Carlin have done, maybe spreading the human disease across the stars is not ideal. “Hey Titan, we’re here! And we brought syphilis, Taco Bell and PornHub. Nice to meet you!”

B. NATIONAL SECURITY

There’s also a national security argument in favor of space technology.

The United States spent a lot of money (about $170 billion over four decades) and brain power to fund the Star Wars program Regan kicked in 1983 to add another level of defense against the missiles of hostile powers (looking at you, Russia).

This program was designed to intercept missiles at various phases of their flight. But the technology didn’t exist to do that in 1983. And it required military technology orbiting the earth in space to work.

Critics of the program are very skeptical of The Strategic Defense Initiative’s ability to do what it is purported to do. https://nationalinterest.org/blog/the-buzz/star-wars-missile-defense- back%E2%80%94-will-it-work-25197

George Lewis, a professor at MIT who assessed SDIO in 2010 says the Department of Defense’s tests only offer, “the appearances of success.” He went on to say the tests were “carefully orchestrated scenarios that had been designed to hide fundamental flaws.”

Currently President Trump has brought space defense back into the mainstream conversation with his “Space Force.” In August of 2018 ,vice President Mike Pence outlined the plans for the new US military branch designed to fight wars in Space. This new branch would be equal to the other branches of the military and would go into effect in 2020.

Is that actually going to happen next year? Will we have Marines or other military stationed in space?

No. No fucking way.

It would be super cool if we did - we’re not even close to having that technology. But - if we don’t try to develop it we’ll never get up there. And, if we can militarize space first, what a huge advantage the United States would have in defending itself against threats from any other nation or from unknown threats from other parts of the galaxy.

China has developed weapons that can destroy satellites and, in 2007, they demonstrated this by destroying one of their own. Additionally, Russia has tested missiles that could potentially destroy satellites. If another major world war broke out in ten or twenty years - space weaponry could play a major role.

Of course, there a critics of spending money on this type of space technology.

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders says, “Maybe, just maybe, we should make sure our people are not dying because they lack health insurance before we start spending billions to militarize outer space.”

I hear you Bernie, but - what about fighting the Lizard People? What about THAT, BERNIE? No one’s gonna care about your stupid health insurance and free educational access if a new, angrier race of space lizards flies over and starts fucking up our planet because we didn’t have the foresight to build some kick ass laser weapons and a force field and other cool shit, BERNIE!

There is already a department affiliated with the Air Force that oversees the Department of Defense’s satellites, btw. So we do KIND OF already have space soldiers. It was started in 1982 and is located at Peterson Airfare base in Colorado, it consists of 30,000 people either directly or overseen by the department.

The Trump administration has asked for $8 billion over the next five year to continue our quest to militarize space.

C. ECONOMICS

To circle back to the financial upside of space exploration, there isn’t any. At least not in the short term. Could we make our taxpayer money back if we venture further out into space? Probably not. As I said earlier, it’s highly unlikely that we’re going to find a ton of gold or some other precious mineral or resource and even if we did - doubtful it will be cost effective to ship it back to Earth.

Many economists support the idea of letting private businesses explore the stars and putting the potential profits and/or losses into the hands of these private individuals instead of putting the taxpayers on the line for a gamble unlikely to pay off financially any time soon if ever. Elon Musk’s Space X corporation - which we’ve talked about - is one of these companies.

Maybe someone can set up some kick ass all-inclusive resort with gravity free pools and space orgies on Mars or someplace. That would be a money maker.

Actually - corporations do make money off of space exploration already. In a round-about way.

D. SCIENTIFIC ADVANCEMENT

Another benefit of the huge project of going to space is the scientific advancement that comes with it. Whether space exploration is done by private companies or governments, the science and technology that comes from it is undeniably beneficial.

I mean, thanks to the $170 billion we spent in the late 60’s, we have sweet crap like velcro and Tempurpedic mattresses. Super goddamn worth it! I hate tying shoes and I like sleeping like an astronaut.

Seriously though, the list of scientific advancements that came from NASA is extensive. So, like a dick, I’m going to read every single one of them. This should only take the entire rest of the show.

No - I won’t do that. I’m gonna break it down into a few categories, medical tech, transportation, energy tech, and every day tech.

E. MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY

Medical technology is a big one. Tasked with the mission to keep astronauts alive in the most extreme conditions, NASA-contracted scientists have pushed medical technology to incredible levels. They are responsible for improvements in X-Ray technology, a better understanding of osteoporosis, developing improved vaccines, better breast cancer detection and treatment, infrared ear thermometers, artificial limbs, ventricular assistance devices and on and on and on.

One important research area is growing high quality protein crystals.

What the hell are those? 100,000 protein crystals can be found in the human body and the earth has billions of them. They are all different and unlocking the secrets of protein crystals can lead to better drug designs. The microgravity of space makes for a perfect place to study these interesting little guys. Even the areas of robotic surgeries and tumor removal have benefited from have NASA scientists.

Earlier this year, those Back to the Future like hover boards that went on sale in China, Japan, and South Korea come directly from advancements in anti-gravitational technology pioneered by NASA. The Youtube videos are insane and I’m hoping they pass safety inspections in the US soon so I can have one by the end of the summer. The first models float roughly six inches off the ground and can hit speeds of over 15 miles an hour which may not sound that fast, but, when you’re hovering, I bet it feels like 30 miles an hour. One tech site thinks that future generations will kick the speed of these babies up to over 35 miles an hour. Holy shit that would be fucking amazing!

Apologies to anyone who wants one now but can’t get it because it’s not true. You can buy a variety of handless scooters called “Hoverboards” but they’re all LIARS because none of them FUCKING HOVER!

Space exploration technology hasn’t led to hover boards. Yet. But it has led to other cool products.

F. TRANSPORTATION

Besides sending (or pretending to send) astronauts to Space, NASA engineers have designed a number of cool technologies that have been used to make terrestrial travel easier and more safe. Anti-icing technology sounds like it’s about hating cake, but it’s actually pretty neat technology that has made air travel a lot safer AND ALSO CAUSED ME TO MISS CONNECTIONS MANY TIMES BECAUSE THE DE-ICING PEOPLE AT THE AIRPORT CAN’T GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER AND HURRY IT THE FUCK UP.

Highway safety has been upgraded by NASA research in the development and implementation of safety grooves. These NASA hoaxers have even helped improve radial tires and, of course, anything GPS related.

G. FOOD AND WATER

We also have NASA to thank for advancements in water and air purification techniques and upgrading to freeze-dry technology. Infrared lights are currently growing food across the globe, and we have NASA to thank for that as well.

H. MISCELLANEOUS:

Here are some more cool products we have thanks to space technology.

https://www.jpl.nasa.gov/infographics/infographic.view.php? id=11358

1. Camera phones: We can thank NASA for camera phone technology. How important has that become to modern life? Some people, based on their IG profiles, seem to LIVE almost exclusively for selfies.

2. Scratch Resistant Lenses: Initially, diamond-hard coatings for aerospace systems were researched and this technology has led to the development of scratch-resistant lenses which also are used in cell phones to keep all you clumsy motherfuckers from busting your screens when you drop your phones while taking selfies.

3. Athletic shoes: Nike Airs owe their design in part to NASA. Nike Air trainers wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for suit construction technology developed by NASA. Nike Airs! Don’t exist without NASA. NASA technology has even made ESPN dunk highlights better.

4. The Dustbuster: Even the Black and Decker dustbuster owes its design to NASA! NASA approached Black and Decker to develop a lightweight device to collect samples on the moon. And then Black and Decker used this technology to create the Dustbuster in 1979.

5. Silicone implants: Sex lube! The porn industry owes a lot of their appeal to NASA. NASA’s early research with lubrication led to, um, well, extra holes being more comfortably filled.

Astroglide is based on NASA technology!

The clear, water-based lubricant was developed by an engineer named Dan Wray while he was working on the space shuttle's cooling systems at Edwards Air Force Base in 1977. Thanks Dan. I thank you. And also so many dicks, vaginas, clits, and buttholes thank you. And, honestly, other body areas like between the breasts and probably some feet and the back of the knee and the armpit and god knows where else people have lubed up also thank you. Wish I would’ve known about you when I took that banana peel into the break room bathroom back when I was sixteen. Probably would’ve been a much better sexual experience.

ANYWHO! So many cool profitable products made thanks to space technology. So - space exploration, in this way, can be very profitable.

https://io9.gizmodo.com/10-weirdest-consumer-products-based- on-nasa-technology-5840533

And the list of products, by the way, goes on and on. Memory foam, developed by NASA in 1966 to absorb shock in airplane seats, ultimately found uses in Tempur-Pedic mattresses, football helmets, shoes, hospital beds, prosthetics, cars, amusement parks and modern art.

6. Summary: So now we know why we humans want to explore space, some of the incentive we had to go to the moon, and we know that space exploration is actually not just a huge waste of money.

I. OUR AMAZING MOON (MOON FACTS)

So why can’t people accept that we landed on the moon?

Well - partly because the moon has been a huge source of fascination and wonder since the first days of humankind - we have a tremendous amount of emotional energy wrapped up in the moon. And emotion is often NOT the friend of logic.

Before we jump into today’s timeline of the SUPPOSED moon landing, and then dig into conspiracies about the moon, and check in with the Idiots of the Internet - SO GOOD - and also ask the big question - if we really did go there fifty years ago, why haven’t we been back!?!

Before we do all that, let’s go over some moon facts.

Our moon is pretty large for a moon orbiting a planet our size, and at just 238,856 miles from Earth, it’s relatively close, again for our size, compared to other planets that we know of. Many of the moon-hoax theories start here - it’s TOO perfect. It’s so perfect it must be fake on some level. That is some seriously paranoid thinking.

(Conspiracy nut) “Oh, right! This supposed moon just happens to be the PERFECT distance to move the tides in JUST the right way and it’s JUST close enough to allow the possibility of a moon landing and I AIN’T BUYING IT!!

I don’t know how you’re faking it, but I know you are!

It’s gotta be some sort of giant projector. Some sort of computer simulation program. There’s NO WAY that shit is real.

You think I’m dumb!?! You think I’m dumb enough to fall for a perfectly round moon that’s supposed to be a moon?? Why isn’t it lumpy? Why is it all one color? Why does it look like some kind of light bulb at night? Why did my wife leave me? Why don’t my kids return my texts? Why did momma will her home to my sister because if she gave it to me I’d quote “just piss it all away like I always do”? Why is there blood in my piss? Why is Uncle Sam fucking with my disability checks? Why are insurance investigators following me to the liquor store? WHY? WHY?? WHY!?! DAMN YOU NASA!”

The moon is pretty perfect. As is the Earth. Amazing how perfect our little planet and moon combo really is.

I know this is emotional thinking on some level but this perfection is one of the main reasons I consider myself agnostic most days and NOT atheist. I believe that some creator - some life-giving force beyond the abilities of our comprehension created a planet perfect for life and so why wouldn’t they create a perfect moon to accompany it? Just my belief - I know, I know. Hail Nimrod!

The tides, and perhaps even the Earth’s axis and life itself rely on the “perfect placement” of our rock next door.

The sun’s diameter is about 400 times the size of the moon and about 400 times as far away, making the sun and the moon appear the same size to us on earth. The 2,160 mile diameter at the equator gives earthlings the chance to witness total eclipses of the sun.

Scientists believe that the core of the moon is likely molten, at least partly. Some of the composition of the moon is unknown. The crust of the moon is comprised of mostly oxygen, silicon, magnesium, iron, calcium and aluminum with other trace elements. Extreme temperature fluctuations, at least compared to Earth, occur on the moon’s surface, with highs in excess of 260 degrees Fahrenheit (127 degrees Celsius) and as low as minus 280 degrees Fahrenheit (173 degrees Celsius). That made the space race not just about who could build the best rocket and space ships, but also who could keep a human alive in hellish, post apocalyptic conditions. If you look online - the highs and lows listed for the moon vary considerably. The numbers I just gave you come from what appear to me to be the most legitimate sites. Inconsistent numbers - giving conspiracy theorists more ammo!

https://www.space.com/18175-moon-temperature.html

Alright. Now we know a little bit about the moon as well as why we would want to visit it. Now let’s jump into today’s Timeline to look into the Space Race that supposedly got us there in 1969, right after a word from today’s sponsor.

J. Quip Mid-Roll:

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PAUSE TIMESUCK TIMELINE INTRO

V. Timesuck Timeline:

A. 1957: 1957! That’s where we just arrived. The Space Race between the United States and the Soviet Union was more about politics than technology. It was Communism vs. Capitalism/Westernism, Collectivism and Central planning vs Individual Liberty and Open Markets. To simplify, it was the ideas of the East vs. the ideas of the West.

While the conspiracy behind the moon landing hoax started right as Neil Armstrong took that first step on the surface of the moon, the space race began over a decade earlier.

The competition between the USSR and the United States (and, to be fair, a few other nations here and there) was like a prize fight between world champions- but with mother fucking rockets!

(Boxing Announcer) “In this corner, wearing red, white, and blue, weighing in at 172 million citizens who for the most part enjoy their lives especially if they are male and white - we have the USA!!

And in this corner, wearing red and gold, weighing in at 205 million citizens who for the most part live in constant fear of imprisonment and/or death regardless of gender or skin color - we have the Soviet Union!

Let’s GET IT ON!!!”

The United States ended up winning the battle, and eventually the cold war, but the Space Race was an important period in history that in the end, helped bring the world together, while the root of the conflict simultaneously almost helped destroy it. Although the USA and Russia had been working on their own space programs for years, it was Russia who actually drew first blood in the Space Race with three successful space missions in 1957.

1. August 21st, 1957 - On August 21st, 1957, USSR, who had been working on their space program for a decade began their space worthy Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (ICBM) testing with their Semyorka mission.

https://www.britannica.com/science/space-exploration/From- Sputnik-to-Apollo

2. October 4, 1957 - On August 21st, 1957, Russia put the very first man-made satellite into orbit and received signals back with the famous Sputnik 1 mission. By November of that year (Nov 3rd) they had sent the first living creature into orbit; a young and small Husky-mix named Laika [like uh] as part of the Sputnik 2 mission. American journalist dubbed the mission “Muttnik”. Unfortunately, Laika [like uh] did not survive the journey. Poor little guy overheated in the cockpit during the craft’s fourth orbit. BOJANGLES is FURIOUS! Bojangles just held up a note saying he’s gonna travel back in time and put a few of those Russian scientists in that shuttle and send them to overheat instead while he and Laika [like uh] eat steak and chase cats down here on Earth.

More on all the animals that led the way for human space travel in a bit.

3. January 31, 1958 - The United States, desperate to fight the propaganda power of the Soviet space successes, put their first satellite into space. This mission, known as Explorer 1, was the first time humans detected the Van Allen radiation belt, which will come into play later in the moon landing conspiracies.

Explorer 1 revolved around Earth in a looping orbit that took it as close as 354 kilometers (220 miles) to Earth and as far as 2,515 kilometers (1,563 miles). It made one orbit every 114.8 minutes, or a total of 12.54 orbits per day. The satellite itself was 203 centimeters (80 inches) long and 15.9 centimeters (6.25 inches) in diameter. Explorer 1 made its final transmission on May 23, 1958. It entered Earth's atmosphere and burned up on March 31, 1970, after more than 58,000 orbits. The satellite weighed 14 kilograms (30.66 pounds).

the U.S. Army Ballistic Missile Agency was launched the satellite in conjunction with the Jet Propulsion Laboratory based in Pasadena using its Jupiter C rocket. Pasadena - NOT FAR FROM MOVIE STUDIOS IN BURBANK! All the pieces are coming together.

Also, not to be outdone by the Russians, the United States sent three dogs into space. Two young golden shepherds named Mickey and Spot and a black Labrador puppy named Star. Mickey and Spot both died from overheating during the launch. Star survived and lived for 27 orbits before dying from oxygen deprivation.

So - pretty cool that the US was able to keep a dog alive longer. I see that as a win. 4. March 17th, 1958: On March 17th, 1958, The Vanguard 1, the world’s first solar powered satellite was successfully launched by the USA and this was followed by the launch of the world’s first working communications satellite a week before Christmas 1958. Both of these satellites also featured crews of three dogs. And all six of them, this time all black labs, all lasted until their oxygen ran out. One dog made it to almost 100 orbits before running out of air. Progress!

5. January 1959: Russia countered the successful US missions with their Luna 1 missions. In early January of 1959, the Luna 1 completed the first engine restart in orbit, and became the first human object to be in the heliocentric orbit of the Earth. First satellite to rotate around the barycenter or center of gravity of out solar system. Upping the animal ante. The Russians stuffed that satellite with no less than a dozen husky mixes.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luna_1.

6. February-August 1959 - From February 1959 to August the United States would punch back and have four more ground breaking missions. They launched the first ever weather satellite (Vanguard 2); the first satellite in polar orbit (Discoverer 1); they launched a spy satellite with a camera (Discoverer 4; which did not work) and on August 7th, 1959 the United States’s Explorer 6 took the first photo of the Earth from orbit.

7. September 14, 1959 - Not to be outdone, the Russians accomplished the first impact into a celestial body as they crashed some shit into the moon during their Luna 2 mission on September 14th, 1959. And they weren’t done. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luna_2

8. October 7th, 1959 - The Russian’s Luna 3 mission took the first photo of the far side of the moon on October 7th, 1959. They’re just launching satellites left and right!

The United States would have four more space missions in 1960 which included launching the first imaging satellite (TIROS), the first successful spy satellite (GRAB 1), they recovered the first intact satellite from orbit (Discoverer 13) and on August 12, 1960 NASA launched the first passive communications satellite with the Echo 1A mission. Huge gains for uncle Sam. The Soviets took four consecutive blows from the United States but they were far from out.

B. ANIMALS IN SPACE

Before we continue with the space race, we should acknowledge the sacrifices of the many earthlings before humans that made space exploration and travel possible. And this shit is just interesting as Hell.

Tons of animals were jettisoned into the deep darkness of space.By the Fall of 1959, no less than 186 dogs were sent into space between the United States and the Soviet Union. The oldest was a fourteen year-old greyhound mix named Sally and the youngest was a ten-week old springer spaniel named Lucky. Lucky actually caught fire during a launch in the Spring of 1959, so, not really that lucky. The most dogs ever launched at one time was twenty-six during the Discoverer 13 launch.

And, I should point out at this point that I’ve lied about all the dog stuff other than that poor first Russian dog, Laika [like uh].

Sorry not sorry!

It just makes me laugh so hard picturing so many of you thinking, “Why the fuck are sending so many dogs out into space? What possible scientific benefit could that even have?”

Now let’s talk about actual animal experiments.

1. August 19, 1960: The Russians were the first to send plants and animals into orbit and also the first to have them return alive with the Sputnik 5 mission on August 19, 1960. This was a huge step! Although it was Laika [like uh] who can be credited as the first creature to orbit earth, Belka and Strelka, two iron curtain pups became instantly famous as the first surviving dogs to return from orbiting in space. These two strays, chosen because pure breds were believed to be too coddled for space, orbited the Earth more than a dozen times before landing the next day. Heralded as heroes, these ru-ski mutts appeared on stamps, in Russian propaganda and paved the way for the first human in space just a year later.

For their unprecedented hard work, the two dogs upon their death were stuffed, mounted and put on display with the capsule they traveled in at the Cosmonautics Memorial Museum in northern Moscow. Not kidding.

The US also has at least one stuffed space animal space. A space monkey was at one time on display at the US National Air and Space Museum in Washington DC.

(https://airandspace.si.edu/collection-objects/monkey-able

Able, a female rhesus monkey was born in Independence, Kansas, and she flew inside a Jupiter nose cone with Baker, a female squirrel monkey on May 28, 1959, in an Army experiment designed to test the biomedical effects of space travel. Launched from Cape Canaveral, they reached a maximum altitude of 300 miles and travelled downrange 2,000 miles at speeds reaching 10,000 mph before reentering the Earth's atmosphere and being recovered by Navy ships. Both monkeys survived the trip well, and then Able died from the anesthesia during a routine post- flight operation. And then they had Able stuffed.

Can you imagine if we did that with people? Go the space museum and check out Neil Armstrong. NASA had a taxidermist go to work immediately when he died in 2012 at the age of 82.

Just sad glass eyes staring out from a mummified face. Every once in awhile family members swing through to pay their respects at the museum. Set some flowers down by his feet in between Asian and European tourists snapping selfies in front of his dead, creepily preserved body. One year for an April Fools joke they bring the taxidermist back in and put deer antlers on his head.

Anyway - the Army transferred Able to NASM in 1960 and the National Museum of Natural History preserved her.

The first four-legged space survivors, Belka and Strelka have an interesting story. As all the Soviet space dogs were, the two heroes were rigorously trained to survive in the tight spaces of the capsule, to endure extreme acceleration, and probably to not lick each other’s butts and vaginas quite as much as my dogs Penny and Ginger do which horrifies Lynze every time she sees them. Hail Lucifina? Or Praise Bojangles? This one is confusing.

Before Strelka passed away, she gave birth to a puppy named Pushinka, which was given to President John F. Kennedy’s family as a gift by the Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev. (https:// www.bbc.com/news/magazine-24837199) Pushinka lived at the White House and was affectionately known as “Fluff.” In 1963, Fluff gave birth to four pups: Butterfly (which is a fucking terrible name for a dog), White Tips (also pretty bad), Blackie (which couldn’t be worse) and Streaker which is just gross. The pups were popular White House attractions and their decedents are still alive today. I doubt soviet space pups are AKC registered, but they are probably not cheap! Pretty cool pedigree to have a dog descended from a space dog.

2. Jan 31, 1961 - On January 31st, 1961, The United States said, “fuck dogs!” and sent the first surviving hominid into orbit, a four year-old chimpanzee known as Ham the Astrochimp. For real. This brave and/or scared out of its poor mind early astronaut was part of the Mercury-Redstone 2 mission. That probably stinky, and most certainly opinionated bastard lived until 1983 and wrote seven books, including the New York Times best selling children’s book, “I Pooped In Space” and his popular autobiography Ham: Fuck Humans and Fuck Space.

But for real, Ham was named after the Holloman Aerospace Medical Center and was the first earthling to perform tasks in space, and not just go on the scariest goddamned ride those animals had ever seen! My God. Ham was trained to pull levers to receive some tasty banana treats and to avoid being shocked. Poor Ham!

Several monkeys and apes got to take trips to the stars. The very first were actually before the official Space Race began. The first living creatures (besides possibly bacteria) were Fruit Flies sent up in 1947 by the US (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Animals_in_space). In 1948, the first of many simians went up when a bunch of science loving Soviet assholes duct taped Albert the Space macaque [muh-kack] to a V2 rocket and shot him thirty-nine miles towards the stars before the brave little fucker suffocated during the flight.

Alright, he wasn’t duct taped, but the technology was still in the early stages and he didn’t survive.

Albert was followed by Albert II, who survived his terrifying V-2 rocket flight and managed to travel 83 miles into space but died on the way back from a parachute failure June 14th, 1949. Technically Albert II was the first primate in space as his trip passed the Karman line.

Little bit about the Karman line. The Karman line is the place where the distinction between the earth’s atmosphere and space sits. The border of space sits at 110km or 68 miles above sea level. And if illuminati Space Lizards are hiding up there like some real wackdoodles believe, you could say they’re Karman chameleons. Karman, Karman, Karman, Karman, Karman Chameleons. I’ll show myself out. (https:// www.nesdis.noaa.gov/content/where-space).

Back to monkeys in space. Albert III and Albert IV would also get strapped to V-2 rockets and would also die to move the technology forward. They would continue to name these macaques [muh-kacks] Albert and most would continue not to survive. They would suffocate, burn up, freak out or the parachute wouldn’t open.

Jesus! Now I feel a little bad about the dog lie earlier. I didn’t know a real monkey horror show was coming up right around the corner when I made that shit up. I had no idea these poor space monkeys were gonna be lighting up like sparklers or violently smashing into the earth after falling for thousands and thousands of feet. This is ridiculous. When I first read this the other night I actually thought I was getting loopy and that I was making this up.

The United States seemed to prefer monkeys, while the Ruskies used dogs. The Soviet Union had 57 dogs as part of the space program. Fuck! Now I REALLY feel bad about the dog nonsense. This is all so much worse than I imagined. Why didn’t they use repeat sexual offender pedophiles instead? The world has no shortage of them and who cares if they don’t make it back alive?

The very first dogs were Tsygan and Dezik. They reached Space July 22nd, 1951, but they did not orbit. It would be several years before Laika would be the first. They were, however, the first mammals to be successfully recovered from spaceflight. Alright, well that’s good. They lived.

Many animals paved the way for human spaceflight and are still used to increase our understanding of the effects of microgravity. All sorts of monkeys, chimps, dogs, mice, wasps, beetles, tortoises, worms, fish, rabbits, bees, ants, crickets, rats, snails, urchins, moths, brine shrimp, jellyfish, guinea pigs, butterflies, scorpions, cockroaches, bullfrogs, garden spiders, tardigrades and even ten space newts. Probably a couple of Roanoke Recluses made it into orbit. Maybe some Hombre Aseino Ants as well.

For you cat fanatics, France sent the first kitty into space Oct 18th, 1963. The Astro-kitty named Félicette was successfully recovered after parachuting back to the earth. Animals are still used in space programs today.

C. Back to the Space Race

Alright - back to the Space Race!

1. February 12, 1961: On Feb. 12th, 1961, Russia completed the first launch from Earth’s orbit, and made many technical advancements including the first mid-course corrections and the first spin stabilization with the Venera 1 mission. Then a few months later, they would crank the Space Race up to eleven.

2. April 12, 1961: On April 12th, Yuri Gagarin became the first human to achieve spaceflight. The Russians are winning! The Vostok 1 mission became a massive card in the cold war propaganda game. Not to be outdone, the United States would quickly respond.

3. May 5th, 1961: On May 5th, Alan Shepard would pilot the first manually controlled space flight and complete the first ever piloted space mission (Freedom 7). Russia wasn’t impressed.

(Accent) “We already make to space. We have man in space. It no problem. So you stay longer. You want impress us? You get to moon. Plant flag. Then I impress! Then you win.”

4. May 19th, 1961 - The Soviet Union achieved the first planetary flyby of Earth’s neighbor, Venus on May 19th.

5. May 25, 1961 - President John F Kennedy gave his famous “we’re going to the moon” speech and asked Congress for $531 million to put a yankee on the moon before the end of the decade. It would go on to cost over $30 billion.

The American response to Russia’s recent successes was to put up the first orbital solar observatory in March of 1962 and then impact the far side of the moon for the first time with a space craft in April of 1962.

Then out of nowhere, the United Kingdom jumped into the space fun. WHAT!?! Did not expect this. The UK became the third country to have a satellite with their Ariel 1 satellite. (https:// en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ariel_1)

6. July 10th, 1962 - The US helped put up the first commercial satellite for a private company - AT&T - on July 10th, 1962. This is a big moment. The privatization of space. There are now hundreds of private satellites in space. There are over 1,100 active satellites, both government and private. Plus nearly 3,000 ones that no longer work.

7. August 12, 1962: On August 12th, the Soviets cranked up the technical knowhow when the Vostok 3 and Vostok 4 missions became the first simultaneous flights of multiple crewed vessels. They also achieved the first ship-to-ship radio contact.

8. December 14th, 1962: On December 14th, the US made their own flyby of Venus with the Mariner 2 mission. Russia snickered a bit.

9. June 16th, 1963: On June 16th, 1963, Russia once again upped the ante with the Vostok 6 mission by sending Valentina Tereshkova, the first woman and first civilian into space. A few days later, the Soviets would break the five day human flight record.

10.July 19th, 1963: Three days later, on July 19th, NASA sent up the first reusable piloted space plane with the suborbital X-15 They would also send up two more advanced satellites in December of 1963 and August of 1964.

And then the Russians would counter with a couple of Space Race hay-makers.

11.October 12, 1964: Over a year later, on October 12th, 1964 The Russian Voskhod 1 sent the first multi-person craft into space. Then on March 18th, 1965, they achieved the first space walk on the Voskhod 2 mission. Boom. Two to the jaw!

The United States would have their first space walk on June 3rd, 1965 with the Gemini 4 mission. In July of 65’ NASA did their first flyby of Mars and in August the crew of the Gemini 5 broke the record for longest spaceflight with eight days in orbit. In December, the Gemini 6A and Gemini 7 would make sweet spaceship love by being the first crafts to rendezvous in space.

12.December 18, 1965: On December 18th, 1965, NASA and the Gemini 7 crew increased the space flight record to two weeks.

Russia countered February 3rd, 1966 with the first ever “soft” landing on the moon and the first pictures ever taken from another celestial body.

To add to the taunting, the Russians were the first to impact another planet when their Venera 3 contacted Venus.

Back and forth! Back and forth! Making sure we put our flag on the fucking moon is making more and more sense.

13.March 16th, 1966: On March 16th, 1966, NASA and the crew of Gemini 8 successfully docked. So, in April that year the Soviets put the first satellite around the orbit of the moon. The United States returns with a demonstration of superior rocket power (highest apogee for pitched Earth orbit of 854 miles) and in November the crew of the Gemini 12 mission would complete a record five and half hour space walk and demonstrate that people could do practical work in space.

In late of October of 1967, the Russians dock some remote control vehicles in space. More back and forth!

14.December 7th, 1968 - On December 7th, 1968, The United States launched an ultraviolet observatory (OAO1) (https:// www.britannica.com/technology/Orbiting-Astronomical- Observatory) and two weeks later on December 21st Apollo 8 launched (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apollo_8) and on December 24th they became the first human crewed flight to orbit the moon. It was also the first human spaceflight to ever be under the influence of gravity from another celestial body.

And then the Soviets answered back with the Soyuz 4 & 5 missions, where they had the first exchange of crew between two ships. Impressive.

But not nearly as impressive as what the Americans would do next.

The Apollo missions would usher in the final knockout punches for the United States.

D. Apollo 9

And now we’ve made it to the big, controversial year - 1969. The Apollo missions that culminate with a supposed moon landing.

On March 3rd, 1969 the spacecraft known as Apollo 9 was launched. This test mission’s three-member crew included the super NOT famous astronauts James McDivitt, David Scott and Russell Schweickart. Apollo 9’s mission was to test the entire space craft, including the Lunar Module and the Saturn V rocket. The Apollo 9 crew spent 10 days in space, doing space walks, several technical tests and being the first crewed flight of the Lunar Module.

E. Apollo 10

Two months before the moon landing would take place, on May 18th, three absolutely forgotten names in history crewed the essential mission known as Apollo 10. It was basically a complete practice run at the moon landing, minus the actual landing. Crew members Thomas P Staffard (never heard of him) was the Mission Commander, John W. Young (never heard of him) Command Module Pilot and Eugene A. Cernan (also never heard of him) was the Lunar Module Pilot. They would test all aspects of the upcoming moon mission including a lunar orbit and a descent to just nine miles above the surface of the moon. After eight days, several transmissions and various systems tests, they returned to Earth safely.

F. Apollo 11

And then, after decades of work, and a great deal of treasure, and a war fueled space race that pushed the preposterous idea that a man could step on the moon became a miraculous reality. Or one of the greatest governmental hoaxes of all time.

Apollo 11 would be crewed by the two most famous astronauts in history and also by one almost totally forgotten guy. Commanding Officer James Tiberius Cook. First officer and Science Officer Spock and then the much lesser known chief medical officer, Leonard McCoy.

Wait. That’s the Starship Enterprise.

Neil Armstrong was the Commander of Apollo 11, Buzz Aldren, the second man to walk on the moon was the Lunar Module Pilot and then poor Michael Collins played bass. Michael Collins was actually the Command Module Pilot and third crew member.

1. July 16th, 1969 - On July 16th, 1969, Apollo 11 is launched from the Kennedy Space Center Launch Complex 39 in Meritt Island, FL. On July 19th the craft passed behind the moon and began lunar orbit.

2. July 20th, 1969 - On July 20th, 1969, at 20:17 UTC - Coordinated Universal Time - the Lunar Module known as the Eagle separates from the Command Module Columbia. The Eagle then lands on the moon in a place called the Sea of Tranquility. The crew is asked to sleep before stepping on the surface. The men reported being to excited and unable to sleep.

Yeah, I bet!

Whose dumb idea was to take a nap immediately after LANDING ON THE FUCKING MOON??? Haha. Most exciting shit a human being has ever done, but, you know, be sure to take a nap before you step out on the moon.

“Incredible news everyone! We have found the lost city of Atlantis! Mermaids, sea serpents, wizards - the most incredible city you’ve ever seen at the bottom of the Atlantic. It’s enclosed in a giant protective shield. We believe it links to other civilizations living inside of the Earth!

Team Alpha - you’ll be entering the city at Noon tomorrow in a special new submersible designed just for this occasion. When you enter you will see technology you’ve never seen before, a new race of beautiful people, streets of gold and jewels. The secrets of God and the Universe may be unlocked inside this city. As soon as you get there, we’d like you to lay down and take a nice long nap. Don’t rush it! Just lie down immediately after arriving in an environment no human as ever seen before and quickly take a nap.

Naked mer people may very well ask to come inside the ship and have sex with you. Tell them to come back after you’ve taken YOUR NAP!”

WTF?

Anyway.

3. July 21st, 1969 - Just six hours later on July 21st at 2:56:15 UTC Neil Armstrong uttered his famous line “That’s one step for a man, a giant leap for mankind.” Buzz Aldrin was the second man to walk and speak on the moon 19 minutes later. He described what he saw as “magnificent desolation.” It’s right around here that conspiracy theorists actually believe these dudes either met Nazis, or aliens, or ancient Summerian gods or had a coffee break and waited for Stanley Kubrick to say action again.

4. July 21st, 1969 - Later on the 21st, the Lunar Module reconnects with the command module Columbia with all three pioneering space-apes inside and start the journey back to earth.

5. July 24th, 1969 - Three days later, on the 24th, the Columbia splashes down into the Pacific Ocean.

THIS is the official story of the first moon landing. And the three astronauts who were part of this mission have never wavered in their telling of this story.

If this DIDN’T happen, these men are lying. As are the ten other men who claim to have stepped on the moon in the years that followed.

In 1969, Pete Conrad and Alan L Bean landed on the moon as part of the Apollo 12 mission. Guess they lied too.

In 1971, Alan Shepard and Edgar D. Mitchell landed as part of the Apollo 14 mission. Liars. Also in 1971, David Scott and James B Irwin landed as part of the Apollo 15 mission. More liars! The following year, in 1972, John Young and Chales M Duke Jr landed. Paid off by Freemasons - obviously! And then in 1972, Eugene A Cernan and Harrison Jack Schmitt landed. Bribed by officers of Bohemian Grove!

All Americans, by the way. The Soviet Union never did land anyone on the moon. To this day, only the United States, the USSR, and China are the only countries to ever land anything on the moon.

So anyway - all twelve astronauts who landed have to be lying for a moon landing conspiracy to be true. Also lying are the crews associated with all those missions.

Now, before digging into the conspiracies, let’s look a little closer at the first three men conspiracy theorists are basically calling national traitors, or at least some of the worst liars and con men the human race has ever produced.

And let’s hop out of today’s Timesuck Timeline.

PAUSE TIMESUCK TIMELINE OUTRO

VI.Additional Thoughts A. Recap:

Not only did twelve different guys set foot on the moon - all twelve were heavily vetted, tough people.

They had flight experience and a background in engineering. They had to have degrees in one of the many relevant fields like engineering, medicine, physics, biology or chemistry.

They weren’t just launching any old jackass into orbit. It was the best of the best. And one of the vey best was Neil Motherfuckin’ Armstrong.

B. NEIL ARMSTRONG

Neil A Armstrong was born in Wapakoneta [wop oh koh netta], Ohio on August 5, 1930. Neil was a successful naval aviator from 1949 to 1952. And then he joined the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics (NACA) in 1955, which would later be dissolved and reborn as NASA. Armstrong would go onto be the project pilot for over 200 different models of aircraft including high speed prototype projects like the famous X-15 that could fly over 4,500 mph (https:// www.nasa.gov/pdf/470842main_X_15_Frontier_of_Flight.pdf

Neil became an astronaut in 1962. He was first assigned as command pilot for Gemini 8 where he performed the first successful docking of two vehicles in space in March of 1966 and then in 1969, as we stated, he became the first man to land a craft on another world and to step on it’s motherfucking surface! He would go onto be the Deputy Associate Administrator for Aeronautics at NASA headquarters in Washington, D.C. Here, he oversaw the all aeronautics research and technology that NASA worked with.

You don’t do all that if you’re a dummy. I don’t think you do all that and also dupe the American public with a fake moon landing. But that’s just me.

From 1971 to 1979 Neil was a professor of Aerospace Engineering at the University of Cincinnati. He then entered into the private sector to crush that and become the chairman of Computing Technologies for Aviation, Inc. out of Charlottesville, VA. He has a Bachelor of Science Degree in Aeronautical Engineering from Purdue University, a Master of Science in Aerospace Engineering from UCLA and holds honorary doctorates from several other Universities. He has been decorated by seventeen countries, has held a number of prestigious titles and several awards like the Presidential Medal of Freedom; the Congressional Gold Medal; NASA’s distinguished Service Medal and the Royal Geographic Society’s Gold Medal to name a few.

He passed away in 2012 at the age of 82. Neil Armstrong, during his final interview in 2012 at the age of 82 did address all of the moon landing hoax theories. He said:

“People love conspiracy theories,I mean, they are very attractive. But it was never a concern to me because I know one day, somebody is going to fly back up there and pick up that camera I left.”

Some moon landing conspiracies go so far to say that NASA even tricked Neil, Buzz and the other astronauts into only thinking they went to space and the moon. Get the fuck out of here! These guys were way too smart for that.

C. BUZZ ALDRIN

Buzz Aldrin is also an incredible man. He attended West Point and graduated 3rd in his class. He flew F86 Sabre Jets in 66 combat missions in the Korean War and was decorated with the Distinguished Flying Cross. He flew F100’s in Germany and then earned his Doctorate of Science in Astronautics at MIT. He wrote his doctoral thesis on Manned Orbital Rendezvous. He was the first astronaut, when he was selected in 1963, to have a doctorate and his peers called him “Dr. Rendezvous.” NASA still uses the rendezvous techniques he developed today. He was also one of the underwater training pioneers to help simulate space walking. This badass-to-the-extreme is credited with the first successful space walk, or extra vehicular activity (EVA), and set a record of 5 and half hours.

After his trip to the moon, he would author nine books, including NY Times best seller “No Dream is Too High: Life Lessons from a Man Who Walked on the Moon,” and even a children’s book “Welcome to Mars: Making a Home On the Red Planet.” He has an asteroid and a moon crater named after him, he started his ShareSpace foundation to push STEAM education (which stands for Science, Technology, Engineering, Arts and Math) for kids K-8. He also started his own space institute in 2015 to develop his vision of a permanent home for humans on Mars.

He’s still alive today at 89 years old. Does he sound like the kind of person to lie about a moon landing?

He’s been accused of being a fraud and he doesn’t care for it. love this story.

In 2001, a thirty-seven year-old film maker named Bart Sibrel and a cameraman surprised Buzz’s Apollo mission buddy, then 71 year- old Neil Armstrong at an event in New York City. Bart came armed with a bible and demanded Neil Armstrong swear on it that he really walked on the moon.

Bart was kicked out of the event and rightfully so. Neil didn’t owe that fucking lunatic anything. I hate people like Bart.

A year later Bart then made the mistake of going after Buzz Aldrin with presumably the same tactics and maybe even the same bible. And then, at 72 years old, Buzz epically punched thirty-eight year-old Bart right in the jaw. And he became one of my heroes forever.

Bart had lured Buzz to a Beverly Hills hotel under the pretext of an interview fora Japanese children’s television show. Nope. It was an ambush. When Buzz left the hotel after realizing there was no one there that was going to interview him, Bart approached him with a small camera crew of other pieces of shit.

Buzz refused to speak with Bart again and Bart yelled at him, "you're the one who said you walked on the moon when you didn't", and then he called Aldrin "a coward, and a liar, and a thief”. Aldrin asked Bart "will you get away from me?”, he didn’t, and then Buzz socked him in the damn face.

I’ve watched footage of the punch and it’s beautiful. I watched it yesterday about twenty times actually. And smiled every time. Great form. Solid shot. Right to the jaw. I wish he would’ve followed it by curb stomping Bart Sibrel. Bart has one of the most punchable faces I’ve ever seen by the way. He looks like a an Adam Sandler movie villain. Ugh.

And then Bart, being the weaselly little cowardly shit bird he is, ran away and tried to sue Aldrin for assault. The charges would be dropped when the court ascertained that Bart clearly provoked him.

Hail Nimrod!

Michael Collins also appears to be a man of great integrity.

D. MICHAEL COLLINS

Michael Collins also graduated from West Point. He became an experience military fighter pilot and test pilot. He became the first son of a bitch to orbit the moon alone. During his orbit, while Armstrong and Aldrin did moon shit, he would lose communications with the Earth and the other two astronauts. And he’s quoted as saying, “I am alone now, truly alone, and absolutely isolated from any known life. I am it. If a count were taken, the score would be three billion plus two over on the other side of the moon, and one plus God knows what’s on this side.” Such a rare thought for a human to have, and the rarest to experience. In a 2016 interview the then still very active 85 year old said he performed in one mini-triathalon a year. At 85!

These extremely accomplished men are who moon landing hoaxers are calling shit lords and liars. And they don’t like that. I don’t like it either. Also - a lot of their friends died so we could land on the moon. Kind of a big deal to do that.

E. SPACE DEATH

Eighteen astronauts have been killed in five separate incidents. The fallen American astronauts are memorialized at Space Mirror Memorial at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida while the Cosmonauts are generally buried at the Kremlin Wall Necropolis in Moscow. (https://pradiz.com/blog/moscow/kremlin-wall-necropolis/)

Among the fatal tragedies are two Space Shuttle explosions: 1986’s Challenger explosion killing seven and 2003’s Columbia explosion killing seven more. Additionally - eleven other astronauts have been killed in training. All for a hoax?

VII.CONSPIRACIES!

Alright. Now we’ve made it to the conspiracies. Yip, yip, yaw!

A general rule for tearing apart a feasible conspiracy theory is based on how many people knew about it. In this case, it was thousands. Moon Hoax Truthers will say everything was compartmentalized, and that’s true, but still there are a few people who have come out, even on their death beds to decry the truth of the hoax.

A. STANLEY KUBRICK

This might be a good time to bring up another person who’s reputation gets thrown into the bullshittification of this Moon Landing miss-info; Stanley Kubrick. The legendary filmmaker who, in 1968, filmed the masterpiece Space Odyssey: 2001 is the number one suspect to have directed the hoax. And most people who believe that the moon landing was faked seem to believe that it was filmed. This is the main conspiracy.

Kubrick is a good candidate to have filmed the hoax. After all, he made a space movie look pretty badass just a year earlier.

In 2015, the Kubrick theory gained even more traction when a fake interview, complete with a pretty convincing actor was made and released by T. Patrick Murray. Mr. Murray, who has never officially admitted this was a hoax, created a film called Shooting Kubrick where an actor playing Kubrick seemingly admits to filming the Moon Landing in a studio. It’s an obvious hoax, with the main actor at times breaking character and Murray calling the guy “Tom”. But like all internet horseshittery, there are armies of credulous fuckwitts willing to embrace and disseminate this information.

Perhaps the best way to put perspective on the Stanely Kubrick aspect of the hoax theories, and the most efficient way to put his involvement to bed, is to hear what Stanley’s daughter Vivian Kubrick has to say about her father’s alleged involvement:

“Surely (?!) an artist, such as my father, whose profound degree of artistic integrity is self-evident, whose political/social consciousness is manifestly present in nearly every film he made. Whose highly controversial subject matter literally put his life at risk, and yet he continued to make the film’s he made … don’t you think he’d be the very last person EVER to assist the US Government in such a terrible betrayal of its people?!!

There are many, very real conspiracies that have happened throughout our history, are happening presently, I’m only too aware of the dreadful manipulations perpetrated by governments, secret services, banksters, the military-industrial-complex etc.. But, claims that the moon landings were faked and filmed by my father? I just can’t understand it!!? How can anyone believe that one of the greatest defenders of mankind would commit such an act of betrayal?

My father’s artistic works are his unimpeachable defence!

Finally, my love for my father notwithstanding, I actually knew him! I lived and worked with him, so forgive my harshness when I state categorically: the so called ‘truth’ these malicious cranks persist in forwarding - that my father conspired with the US Government to ‘fake the moon landings’ - is manifestly A GROTESQUE LIE."

So there you go. Make of that what you wish, meat sacks.

VIII.The Origin of the Theories

Where did moon landing conspiracies get started? There are many sources of moon hoax claims. Russian authors and researchers have been publishing books like Yury Mukhin’s Anti-Apollo: Lunar Scam of the USA. for years. This is where some motivation to point fingers at Stanley Kubrick comes from. As recently as 2018, Russians have been molding the space race to be in their favor. Dmitry Rogozin, the head of the Russian space agency Roscosmos, announced that Russia was preparing a moon mission to, among other things, check to see if the US did actually land on the Moon.

I found a 2018 Russian study that said 57% of Russians do not believe Americans ever landed on the moon. In fact, a lot of the current “We never landed on the moon” propaganda started off in Russia. What’s interesting is that Russian Cosmonauts in 1969 did NOT doubt that the American’s landed on the moon. Probably because those dudes were smart enough to understand that we did in fact have the scientific capability to do so.

Not all of the anti-moon landing rhetoric started in Russia though. https://russian.rt.com/nopolitics/news/539974-luna-vysadka-ssha- opros https://www.rbth.com/lifestyle/329840-russians-refuse-apollo-11

Bill Kaysing, the Chicago author of l “We Never Went To the Moon: America’s $30 Billion Swindle” first published his conspiracy claims in 1976.

A lot of current popular claims about moon hoaxes come from this book. Some of his claims included the Apollo lander not creating blast craters, no dust disturbed on the lander’s legs or from the engine blast, and a bunch of tinfoil favorites I’m about to go through. A. LOOK AT WHO WAS IN CHARGE

A big part of the need for conspiracy theories is a general disdain for people who are in charge of things. In the case of the US moon missions, it started good. People loved it when JFK gave speeches about space, but less people felt comfortable with people like Henry Kissinger, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Alexander Haig and Richard Nixon in charge of telling the truth.

Part of conspiracy beliefs is that conspiracies do exist, and that proven distrust in one area can lead to paranoia in others. B. THE FLAG

Perhaps the most popular and among the easiest moon landing hoax conspiracy to debunk is the waving flag on the windless moon. How could that happen!?!

When Neil Armstrong claimed the Sea of Tranquility in the name of the USA, the flag moved in the wind. Why? There shouldn’t be any wind, so therefore all of the things space related were faked and fuck NASA!

Truth is, that flag is still on the moon, in the same spot. It was propped up by wires to look taut, and when Neil Armstrong shoved that fifty-starred symbol of kickass BBQ’s and Individual Liberty into that ashy looking dirt, it moved a little bit. Why? Inertia. The inertia from moving the flag when planting created the flag to move as shown in the video. I’ve read articles written by tons of scientists saying that they have no problem with the flag moving like it did. And if they don’t have a problem, neither do I.

C. ALL THE PHOTOS ARE FAKE

There is also the claim that the photos of the moon landing were faked. My brain wants to point to the fact that over 8,000 images were released by NASA covering the entirety of their moon missions as proof that we went to the moon, and that’s a lot of photos to photoshop back then, but I guess someone could hire an army of photoshop experts.

This is one of those claims you can’t disprove. If you want to believe that NASA edits all their images, well, I’m not gonna change your mind here. You and logic just aren’t friends.

D. Shadows. What about the shadows claim? There are multiple shadow angles in some of the moon images and there shouldn’t be, right? This, according to skeptics, indicates multiple lighting sources which the lunar landing shouldn’t have. Only the sun was to be the light source.

Well, this is one you can actually go debunk yourself by taking pictures outside on an uneven surface. The Myth Busters also did a great episode on several of the famous pictures and their shadows and light anomalies. The shadow argument is connected to the argument over the illuminating of many objects in the Apollo pictures with one light source. Why are there so many shadows? Because of the reflective material that makes up the moon’s surface. The light bounces around which means the shadows do too.

You know who doesn’t have a problem with shadow angles in photos taken on the moon? Professional photographers. If they’re not constantly pointing out that the shadows on the moon are fucked up and fake looking, why should we care what anyone else thinks about those shadows? (https://journytothemoon.weebly.com/ multiple-light-sources.html)

E. Crosshairs. Another popular complaint about the authenticity of the photos taken on the moon is that the crosshairs that help frame the picture appear to be in the background of several pictures. This, of course, means that some airbrush trickery is a-foot and that the whole fucking space program is a fraud, right?

No.

The cross hairs aren’t in the background in any of the high-definition photos, but do indeed appear to be in the background in a handful of the low resolution pictures. This becomes a pixel issue that is easily debunked and connects with the next popular claim.

F. Staples. One of my favorite claims about fakes, specifically about Walt Disney using models to fake many of the beautiful moon shots, is that there appears to be a few pictures with staples on the feet of the astronauts. Classic Disney. First they slip penises and sexual innuendo in all their animated films and then they help Nixon fake the moon landing. The appearance of staples is again a trick of pixels and doesn’t appear in the high definition versions. Again though, the guys who worked on Cinderella probably airbrushed them out!

OR - low-fi photos just have lots of natural defects. OR that. G. The “C”. What about the C shaped rock in one of the photos? There’s a fucking C on a rock in one of the pictures! Nature doesn’t make letters! This one isn’t as popular, but it’s also easily debunked. During the copying process, somebody lost a hair. It doesn’t appear on the original.

Sometimes hair falls on photos in the photo lab. Even moon photos. The eyelash in your dinner isn’t a sign of a conspiracy and neither is a hair in a moon photo.

H. Stars. The most popular of the “fake photos” arguments is the lack of stars, but simple technical understanding of aperture is all that is needed to debunk this one. To keep the lunar lander and the astronauts in focus, the aperture was tuned on them, and wasn’t able to pick up the much more faint light sources of the stars. This is another theory that I think comes partly from disappointment. Before the moon landing, people speculated that with no atmosphere, pictures of the stars from the moon would be breath taking.

Depends on the camera, the object being focused on, and the skills of the photographer. They sent astronauts to the moon, not National Geographic award winning photographers. C’mon people!

I. Wires. Another photo/video related conspiracy is about the astronauts appearing to be on wires. There are even flashes of light that appear to reflect off said wires and images of astronauts seemingly being pulled up by wires after falling, alluding to being filmed on a Hollywood set (most likely in either Arizona or Area 51 or Burbank). This one defies common sense. Let me get this staight? You think NASA took billions of dollars to fake a moon landing - but then left obvious wires in the pictures? Get the fuck out of here? You think they photoshopped it, but just did a really shitty job? They operate on a budget of billions and billons of dollars a year and hire some of the brightest minds in the country. BUT - they leave wires in the photos? This seems to me to be a stupid claim perpetuated by ignorant people.

J. Camera Function. Another photo-related aspect of all this is the Man-meets-Moon-deniers claim that the cameras wouldn’t have worked on the moon. The extreme temperatures and the absence of an atmosphere to protect the cameras from sunlight would have ruined any chances of getting photos on the moon, and that’s if the Van Allen Belt didn’t get them first.

That’s actually partly why I thought it was important to go over the space race briefly. A lot of those early missions were about figuring out cameras in space and how to protect sensitive instruments in extremes. NASA did have cameras break. Neil even dropped one for future explorers to find and pick up. The engineers working for NASA thought about protecting the film beforehand. They didn’t just send up shitty polaroid cameras.

K. One-Sixth Gravity. Another interesting conspiracy claim comes from the atmospheric makeup of the moon, or lack thereof, that makes the gravity of the moon about 1/6th that of Earth. This means, in theory, an astronaut of 185 pounds would weigh around 30 pounds with the muscle strength of that same 185 pounds on earth. This had people of many fields and walks of life speculating about super human athletic abilities on the moon.

It was thought that a golf ball could be hit over the horizon on the moon in 1/6 gravity, and that leaps of several feet could be achieved easily. People seemed to be disappointed when they saw the footage from the lunar landing. It was unique, but it didn’t seem super human. Part of the issue is the equipment the men wore around as part of their suits weighed well over 100 pounds. Even if the equipment weighed as much as the man, in theory, the 370 pounds should only be about 60 pounds of force on the astronaut.

So why didn’t astronauts bounce around even higher than they did?

Probably because they had no interest in jumping very high. Remember when in one of the moon landing videos an astronaut bends their knees and really squats down and then violently throws themselves skyward to see how far they could jump? They never did that. They had big stiff awkward spacesuits on - not tank tops and basketball shorts.

Also, all of the astronauts on the Moon were very, very aware that they were surrounded by a deadly vacuum. If they fell and cracked their helmet or damaged their backpack that supplied them with air and cooling or tore their pressurized inner suit, they would fucking die by decompression or suffocation. In that environment, what kind of idiot would try to set some high-jump record?

I’ll tell you what kind. An idiot of the internet. A person lacking the educational and overall intellectual understanding to realize that doing that would be really fucking reckless and stupid. Someone who could never quality to become an astronaut would do that.

Speaking of idiots, let’s check in with them before continuing to examine various conspiratorial lunar notions. I promised a big idiots of the internet last week. Hope you feel like I deliver with this one.

PAUSE IDIOTS OF THE INTERNET INTRO

IX. Idiots of the Internet

A. Today’s video was posted by the Discovery Channel back in 2008 when they were focused on science and not on dramatic reality shows like Naked and Afraid and Gold Rush.

The video is called, “Top 5 Moon Mission Bloopers”. Almost 200,000 views, over 1200 comments. https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=HioX-6Hm2J8

It’s a quick video. Just over two and-a-half minutes long. It features bloopers from the final two Apollo missions. And the bloopers aren’t very funny. Just astronauts singing songs or saying “dad gummit” when they have a hard time picking something up. The comments, however, are very funny. At least to me! (Prospector Voice) There’s Gold in these here threads! Pure, monoatomic idiot gold!”

1. Troag12 posts: NASA, and some fraction of the shadow government knew that the internets fast-growing capabilities would soon expose all that is wrong with the Apollo program and the so called moon-landing. So what do they do? Yes, they orchestrate a diversion and enters; “the flat earth agenda”. It has infested and subverted the one highly appreciated conspiracy theories movement - sad.

Wow! - that is deep. Do you hear what he’s saying here? NASA invented the flat earth conspiracy to discredit conspiracy theorists in general to people would take the real conspiracy less seriously - that we never landed on the moon!

Holy shit. This dude definitely has a room with some sort of peg board situation and strings running between different images. “IT ALL MAKES SENSE! THEY FAKE THE MOON LANDING AND GET AWAY WITH IT UNTIL THE INTERNET COMES ALONG! THEN, WHEN THEY READ A FEW COMMENT THREADS, THEY THINK, “Quick! Come up with a diversion! Let’s make a bunch of flat earth videos!” If they find out we faked the moon landing they’ll surely uncover the illuminati. We need to start making LIZARD illuminati videos to get people to stop taking the REAL illuminati. Throw ‘em off the track. Start talking about a New World Order lair underneath the Denver Airport - throw ‘em off the scent of the real lair under Area 51! Talk about Bohemiam Grove! That’ll take some heat off of the Bilderbergers! Smoke and mirrors motherfuckers, smoke and mirrors! I see through it. I see through it! Hashtag Pizzagate!”

2. andyn333 posts the next insanity. Now they have blurry picture of a "blackhole" which is more BS. How about a pic of the US flag on the moon?

I love how he’s upset about the fucking photo definition of a black hole! My GOD! It’s 55 million light years away shit bird. Gonna be hard to get a really solid focus. Also - the flag isn’t billowing in the wind. It’s limp. Not really photo ready.

(Chikatilo) “Why make limp reference? That feel like shot at Chikatilo? Why say not photo ready? Why poke fun at shame cock? What is big deal with shame cock?

(contemplative) Maybe loss in space race real reason I not have hard pride?”

3. n00ch posts next. Nobody’s ever been to the moon Jack! So what do you mean "back to" the moon. Disinfo agent alert.

This comment is in reference to the bloopers coming from later Apollo moon landings. If this guy doesn’t believe we have ever been to the moon, why is he focusing on the words “back to”? Isn’t the whole videp a “dis info agent alert” Nooch?

4. User cheifjohn paulson posts next. And since he misspelled the word chief in his user name, I don’t expect anything smart. He writes:

They forgot how to go back to the moon with 60's technology. What a crock! I urge you all to look into the actual truth that they never went at all...and can't ever go because it's impossible.

Wow. Can’t ever go! Has “Cheif” not seen how quickly technology around him advances. Can’t ever go! I hope someone sends him a post card from Mars one day.

5. Saved Life posts next: It’s comical how fake this is. He got dragged by the cables attached to his harness yet everything else remained stationary.

I watched the video and… nope.

6. Daddyo930 then posts: We never went to the moon. Why? Because all the elements in the periodic table can be found in solar flares. That would include radioactive elements. Apollo 12 would have had to fly through solar flares for 12+ hours. That is impossible with our technology now so they couldn't have done it then. The level of radiation would have fried them like a hotdog in a microwave oven.

Can’t do it because of Solar Flares! Can’t ever go! Case closed! I picture Daddo 930 high fiving Cheif John Paulson after this comment. “Told you, bro. Not EVER!”

So, apparently every single employee of every space program in the world is either too dumb to possess Daddy o’s insightful understanding of solar flares and futilely continue to do the literally impossible or they are liars in bed with the illuminati. Zero critical thinking skills. Daddy O has zero.

7. todd peachey is a man of few words. He posts: Only fools believe we ever went to the moon. RESEARCH IT.

You research it Todd you fucking halfwit! Read books with big words that are clearly hard for you to understand when you do. Words like astronomy and aeronautics and college doctorate. Stop getting all your science info from conspiracy forums.

8. Dave Saenz clearly doesn’t know fucking anything about the moon. Or space. Or science. But that doesn’t stop him from confidently posting the following: “You miss a step or trip over and land on a sharp rock, your suit will explode or burst out killing you in a few seconds. Yet they are skipping and singing like there's absolutely no imminent danger. The reason: Because they are not in the moon. Also, the extreme outward pressure would make it very difficult to move inside a blown up balloon. How do you close your hands to take pictures and manipulate small tools. Too many questions and no answers.”

Wow. Too many questions is right Dave! Where do I start? You miss a step and your suit will explode?? Move inside a blown up balloon? Have you ever seen an astronaut’s suit? You know it’s not actually made out of the same material as a cheap children’s party balloon, right? The suits can handle a sharp rock or two jackass! How do you think they didn’t think of that? Why would they ever send astronauts to space in suits that wold tear like cheap saran wrap with at first contact with a sharp rock? And how would a leak explode them if a leak did happen?

:Someone who wrote their user name in Arabic posts افضل مقاطع .9 “where the fuck is Neil Armstrong and buzz Aldrin??? Shouldn't they be on TV every year to celebrate this historical event? Media give much exposure to prostitutes and whores more than those legendary "Asrtro-nots"

Um. Neil died in 2012 and Buzz is very, very old. And - their astronauts, not Instagram celebrities. They don’t need to go on TV. Them not going on TV every year in no way proves the landing was faked. I don’t even know… it’s getting harder to even understand how these idiots think their comments connect to the conspiracy.

10.Nicurru posts, “The moon is not what we think. There are already humans or aliens up there. I dont think space is what we think either.”

That’s cute, NIcuru. Thanks for stopping by. Why don’t you go grab a seat at the kid’s table. 11.Robert Thayer posts: I find it amusing that many people think that those of us who know the Moon landings were a hoax think we are "delusional idiots" but are unwilling to look at the obvious inconsistencies and make a judgement. I thought the moon landings were real until I grew up and educated myself and realized they are not.

Oh, Robert. I think you have the words “educated myself” confused with the words “stopped listening to all credible scientists and other academics”

12. Chev4206 posts some anti-American hate, writing: It is staggering that so many people believe this moon landing crap when the fallacy of it so obvious and inescapable. For fucks sake you stupid unintelligent Americans wake the fuck up. Your government has been fooling you and the world for decades, and their last pathetic effort was on 11th Sept. 2001. And what are you doing about it? Watching digital TV and eating shit at McDonald's, thanking 'them' for protecting you sitting back and doing fuck-all. And paying tax.

I love so many calls to “Wake the fuck up” and “Look at the truth” without a single link to “the truth” or any evidence of how the user has become “Woke”. This sad fuck wouldn’t last one minute in a legitamite intellectual argument.

“How Chev, how is it so obvious that the moon landing was faked?”

(CHEV) “Are you serious!?! Just open your eyes!!”

“My eyes are open, Chev. And my ears. Give me some proof.”

(CHEV) “It’s all around you! Wake up!”

“Something specific, Chev?”

(CHEV) “It was an inside job, man!”

“The moon, Chev. Focus on the moon!”

(CHEV) “Their suits would’ve exploded. The solar flares!!!”

“How would solar flares explode their suits, Chev?”

(CHEV) “I don’t want to talk about it anymore!!! Just let me yell shit and never have to back up anything with carefully researched arguments and detailed explanations!! (Kemper) GOD! YOU’RE MAKING MY ZAPPLES SO ANGRY MOTHER! ALL OF YOUR QUESTIONS MAKE ME WANT TO PUT YOUR KITTY’S HEAD ON A STICK!!!”

13.User kidjr27 brings Satan into the threat to close out today’s Idiots of the Internet, because why not! They post:

The news is owned by satanic beings. One lie leads to a million lies and these scum have new lies all the time. Thing is, they don't care. Look at the chemtrail issue.. They got people so brainwashed that they are still arguing over if they are real or not:-( It's like living in a nightmare wide awake while everyone else is sleeping. Think for one second what great knowledgable things could be on tv. And what do they put instead? Crime, war, hate, drugs

It is like living in a nightmare sometimes Kid Jr 27!!! I totally agree! Sometimes if feels like we are living in a nightmare where we are continually surrounded by a growing army of superstitious, ignorant, overly confident, paranoid, delusional, and mindless idiots of the internet.

PAUSE IDIOTS OF THE INTERNET OUTRO

X. MORE CONSPIRACIES:

Now let’s get back to examining theories at least a little bit more thought out than the comments I just mocked.

XI. The Van Allen Belt. One of the most popular, and what appears to be many a moon-hoax-truther’s idea of a smoking gun, is the Van Allen Radiation belt. Discovered by professional people studying space after exploring space, the truthers claim that humans could - in no way - survive the effects of the Van Allen radiation belt’s high levels of radiation. Turns out they can, as proven by all the people that went to the moon and then came back, surviving. Many of them living long healthy lives, including that lively Buzz Aldren who, as we learned, punched a truther in the face when he was in his 70’s. Fuck yeah!

The Van Allen Radiation Belt isn’t an issue that was overlooked by the engineers of the space programs of any nation. The effects have been studied, precautions were taken, and the results are; humans can survive the Van Allen Belt when wearing suits built to shield the wearer from the harmful effects of radiation. (https://www.space.com/33948- van-allen-radiation-belts.html) A. Computers Sucked in 1969. But what about the computers? How could 1969 technology send a man to the moon? This one comes up a lot in documentaries and comments across the internet; the Apollo space ship had the computing power of a modern calculator. It actually had the computing power of a computer that could put people in space. That one kind of debunks itself. The Apollo missions were carried out during a time when Harrier Jets were being introduced to the military theater and Concord supersonic planes were being introduced to the masses. Plenty of known, eye- witnessed powerful technology existed in 1969. It’s not like we were drawing pictures on cave walls one day and sent three dudes to the moon the next. (https://www.livescience.com/20727-internet- history.html).

B. Footprints Require Moisture. Now let’s talk about footprints.

There’s no water on the moon! So how could there be footprints!

Some skeptics say that Neil’s famous footprint couldn’t be, because footprints require water and eventually nature will dry it up and wipe it away. In other words, we are used to Earth, where there is weather. A foot print can disappear in days or sooner. HOWEVER - there is no weather on the moon! No rain, no wind, no liquid and no living things to muck it all up. The only thing we know of that moves the particles of the surface of the moon are impacts from space objects. Footprint argument debunked.

C. NASA is Fake: The moon landing never happened because NASA itself is fake! This is, sadly, a fairly popular theory; NASA is a cabal filled with a bunch of illuminati puppets.

A lot of the different strains of the Moon Landing Truthers all seem to agree that NASA is comprised of lying traitors to the human race. Basically, anything NASA says or does is a lie.

At the root of this “NASA is fake” theory, is the idea that the space agency is really a propaganda arm for either the ‘Not Space Program’ or the “Super Secret Space Program. Again, lots of pathways to follow here in Looney Tune over luna-land. I think this one debunks itself. Propaganda was definitely a major force during the cold war. The US government spent truck loads of the tax payers money to sell those same tax payers and the world the idea that space was fucking cool as shit, important AF, and that it was unpatriotic to disagree with any of it. But a conspiracy with that many people who have to lie about it? That doesn’t line up with human nature. We, as a species, have proven over and over again that we’re not great at keeping secrets. And NASA not actually existing is way to big of a secret for so many people to keep.

D. NAZI’s on the Moon: NAZI’s on the Moon! One of the craziest of all the moon hoax theories is that Nazi’s began their space program in 1942 and built a small base on the far side of the moon. The theory goes that after World War II, Hitler and several of his officers escaped persecution by first heading to South America, then to their secret Antarctic base, and then straight to the moon in their Exo Atmospheric Rocket Saucer.

Impressive! And highly illogical! They couldn’t build an atomic bomb in time to win WWII, but, they could build a spaceship in ANTARCTICA and fly it to the moon and stay and LIVE THERE! How to grown ups who are not legitimately extremely mentally ill believe something this fucking stupid? Seriously. I don’t get it.

A Bulgarian author and self proclaimed engineer and physicist named Vladimir Terziski is the main voice behind this theory. Wackadoodle alert!

The Nazi-Moon theory also assrts that Hitler’s colonies on the moon were responsible for the mass sightings of UFO’s in the 1940’s and 1950’s. They weren’t flying saucers with aliens in them spotted all over the country, they were flying saucers with Nazi officers in them, just checking shit out. Messing with Nuclear missile silos and abducting people and cattle and impregnating redneck women. Haha! This theory is so deliciously insane.

This theory also explains why the US and Russia abruptly discontinued their efforts to visit the moon and why there was a brief 2-minute pause in the Apollo 11 transmissions. During that time, Neil Armstrong and Buzz apparently had to negotiate with and/or fight a bunch of Nazi’s. In two minutes. Hail Nimrod! How awesome is that? What a great scene that would be in some crazy Nazi Moon Base movie!

Also - even better - apparently the Nazi’s didn’t just build bases on the surface of the moon, but they burrowed holes beneath.

E. WHO BUILT THE MOON?

Another rabbit hole in which to amble into is the idea of the Hollow Moon and it’s dirty fuck-buddy cousin the Artificial Moon. They both kind of insinuate the same thing, that our moon either has or has had cities and people living and working within it. This theory splinters into different moon landing related threads. I love it.

Some artificial moon folks believe that the moon was built by ancient alien travelers before recorded time, and they reference writing from various places like African tribes (Zulu) and even obscure passages in some very old (possibly 5th century BC) Roman, Greek and Hebrew texts, including the Bible. These writings all reference a time before the moon. They even talk of ancient sky-gods bringing the moon from far away to watch over and study mankind.

Some of these theorists have asserted that the Moon landing couldn’t have happened because aliens were already there, or other military forces were occupying the Hollow Moon.

Other theorists I have discovered online seem to believe, or at least assert, that the Moon Landing did happen, and whomever occupies the moon met with Neil and Buzz and waved at Michael. This accounts for some lost time in the broadcast and the theory expands to claiming flying saucers had to be airbrushed out of several official NASA photos. So good. No idea where that source material comes from. Fucking rabbit holes that disappear into more fucking rabbit holes that bend into giant wackadoodle wormholes.

F. FILM OF APOLLO 11 MISSING. (NPR.org) Now back to a more, dare I say, “realistic” moon hoax theory, at least in context to what we just covered. The original footage, made on the high quality cameras designed for the Apollo missions was discovered to be lost.

What happened to that footage? NASA admitted in 2006 that no one could find the original video recordings of the July 20, 1969, landing.

Richard Nafzger, an engineer at NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland, who oversaw television processing at the ground-tracking sites during the Apollo 11 mission, went looking for them.

The good news is he found where the tapes went. The bad news is they were part of a batch of 200,000 tapes that were degaussed — magnetically erased — and re-used to save money. https://www.reuters.com/article/us-nasa-tapes/moon-landing-tapes- got-erased-nasa-admits-idUSTRE56F5MK20090716

FUUUUUUUUUUCK. Why would you not put those tapes in a very secure place?? Maybe mark them with “FIRST MAN TO LAND ON THE MOON - NEVER EVER ERASE!!!!” Maybe make a hundred copies of them.

This is bad. It’s a bad mistake. But a bad mistake does not equal a coverup. How many times have you lost something important? How many times have you fucked something up? Funny how when we as individuals make mistakes we rationalize it as being human. But then when the government does it they’re hiding something.

Another aspect of the original footage that conspiracy theorists feast over is how come the entire event wasn’t broadcast directly to the public?

Here is NASA’s explanation of how it was filmed.

For audio, there were private channels between Apollo astronauts and the Houston control center, plus the actual video of the event was filmed and sent to earth, then, because of the unique kind of film (made to withstand extreme conditions) it was shown on a screen and filmed by a TV camera for the over half-a-billion people watching across the globe. Why? Conspiracy theorists suggest the darkened images were necessary to hide the truth. The reality is that they had to film the projection of the original film because TV stations weren’t equipped technologically to play the footage directly. I found in my research that it actually pained the creators of the special Apollo camera to see the live footage because they knew their original footage was much clearer and brighter.

G. THE REST

There are so many other theories and misunderstood details that have oozed into the world as little bits of intellectual diarrhea, that it was difficult to pick some of the claims to cover. From secret navy Intelligence Space Programs, to ancient Egyptian astronauts, to the financial claims of the Flat Earth bunch, this shit is all over the conspiracy map. You want Free masons? They’re here, you want aliens? Secret CIA shit? Men in Black cover ups, political assassinations or hidden technologies? it’s all in this onion of a topic. Many moon-truthers I stumbled upon believe President John F Kennedy was assassinated due to his knowledge of secret moon bases, aliens and some other shit that made no sense.

Rather than redundantly go over all of them I want to just answer two more questions.

1. Why haven’t we gone back to the moon? 2. Does the science community agree that it is for sure possible to travel to the moon?

H. Why Haven’t We Gone Back to the Moon? Well, according to NASA. Part of the reason is kind of a, “Been there, done that.”

Back in 2009, John Olson, then director of NASA's Exploration Systems Mission Directorate Integration Office, said, “This is much more than flags and footsteps. We’re going for a sustained human presence in space."

Chris Hadfield, a former astronaut, recently backed up this sentiment, telling Business Insider in 2018, ”A permanent human research station on the moon is the next logical step. It's only three days away. We can afford to get it wrong and not kill everybody. And we have a whole bunch of stuff we have to invent and then test in order to learn before we can go deeper out."

https://www.space.com/7015-40-years-moon-landing-hard.html https://www.businessinsider.com/moon-missions-why-astronauts- have-not-returned-2018-7

BUT - a sustained human presence on the moon would be very, very, VERY expensive. Based on a variety of estimates from a variety of super nerdy tech sites, it would cost anywhere from 35 billion to upwards of a 100 billion to build a moon base that could sustain human life. That’s a lot of money to get political support for. Trump’s controversial border wall wold cost an estimated $25 billion to build for a comparison.

The Apollo program, by the way, cost about $120 billion in today's dollars. But we weren’t in nearly as much national debt in 1969 as we are today.

In 1969, we were $354 billion in debt. Our debt to Gross Domestic Product - the GDP being a good overall measurement of the size of our economy, was 35%.

This year, our debt is approximately $22 trillion dollars. Our debt to GDP ratio is a scary 106%. We have more debt than we do Gross Domestic Product. Why aren’t we hustling back to the moon? We’re fucking broke! We’re more than broke. We have trillions out on credit cards.

When will get back? Probably when we have more money or when a private company like Space X does it. Or, when some other country, with more money, like China does it.

I. Is it Scientifically possible?? And finally, is it for sure scientifically possible to land on the moon?

YES!!!! Yes, yes, yes! That’s the short answer. The long answer involves a lot of math above my pay grade. And if it’s above yours too - just think of this - why hasn’t one high profile mathematician or scientist ever said it was impossible? Why didn’t Stephen Hawking say, before he died, “No way. There’s no way that could happen?” NO ONE CREDIBLE HAS EVER SAID THAT AND THAT SHOULD BE ALL THE PROOF YOU NEED.

People like Alex Jones and David Icke on one side of the argument. The world’s scientific community on the other.

It’s like I said at the beginning. I’s great to have an open mind, but don’t open it so wide that your brain falls out.

In conclusion, WE LANDED ON THE FUCKING MOON! The thought that it is a hoax has been debunked over and over again in a variety of ways.

I finished research for this Suck last Thursday night here in Couer d’Alene. And as I did, there was a great big beautiful moon in the sky. One night away from being a full moon. It was so vivid, it almost looked fake. I could see it with my naked eye so clearly. And I thought, how sad is it that some can’t appreciate it’s natural beauty? That they think it’s some nefarious instrument of mind control instead of the beautiful celestial body it actually is.

How sad that the world does truly have so much pain in it. So much suffering. And then some of us have to invent even more suffering instead of staring up at such a majestic, sunlit orb and letting go of their suffering for a bit.

I stare at the moon and I think of the countless others who stared at this same, wondrous space rock. Shakepeare. Cleopatra. Alexander the Great. Kings and Queens, mothers and fathers, leaders and peasants, titans of industry, poets, painters, musicians - anyone from history you ever admired who was blessed with the gift of sight, at one time or another, stared at this big, breathtaking rock in awe in some special moment. Some moment when they were a living, breathing meat sack just like you.

I stare and I feel connected to all of humanity, going back to the beginning - whenever that was. I think of those who will live long, long, long after I am gone and stare at this same moon. The same moon sailors stared at when they crossed the sea as Vikings, or Spaniards, or just an elderly couple holding hands on a Disney cruise tonight. It’s fucking beautiful. And we’ve BEEN THERE. How inspiring is that.

We stepped on the fucking moon. One of us. One of us meatsacks took our human DNA infused body and stepped where quite possible no living organism has EVER stepped before. Looked out into space in a whole new, never before seen way. How incredible! What an example of what we can do when we point a sea of powerful minds and brave souls towards the same seemingly impossible goal. It makes me think with enough time and hard work, we can accomplish anything.

But some will never think that. They’ll smugly look at up and shake their heads and just think, (Douche voice) “Naw. Dumb! Never happened! Nice try NASA!”

Life is short meat sacks. Don’t diminish what precious little time you have by being a fucking paranoid asshole.

Time for Top Five Takeaways.

PAUSE TOP FIVE TAKEAWAYS INTRO

XII.Top Five Takeaways

1. Number One: Number one! The Space Race was a huge contributor to modern technology. As I mentioned, there are dozens, if not hundreds of everyday items that enhance our lives developed by and for space travel. From modern medical technology, to advanced transportation and communications, and the finest mattress billions of 1969 dollars can buy. 2. Number two: There are literally dozens of theories regarding moon trickery. We covered several of the obvious ones and a few of the obscure. And my favorite is that Nazis launched a shuttle from Antarctica, set up a base on the moon, and then flew spaceships around the US in the 1950s just to fuck with America. People alive now actually believe that. Terrifying.

3. Number Three: The real winner of the Space Race winner was humanity. The high stakes contest was east vs. west at the beginning, but would become a massive step towards human solidarity and cooperation. At the end of the moon missions, two countries, along with other participating nations would tear down their imaginary boundaries and eventually turn space exploration and study into a true international affair that we continue to pursue today. Pretty good ending really.

4. Number four: The astronauts and cosmonauts of our short history in space were some of the most amazingly capable and intelligent humans we as a species have possibly ever produced. Men and women of high integrity and great achievement came together to make the goal of humans walking on multiple celestial bodies a reality. These space heroes were so feisty and strong, even at over 70, Buzz Aldrin was willing to knock a bastard in his chin for the Space cause. I love that so much.

5. Number five: New info! What are NASA’s most current plans regarding the moon? Well, it depends on budgetary considerations like I said, but the thoughts being tossed around are pretty cool.

Just two months ago, on Valentine’s Day, February 14th, Jim Bridenstine, NASA's administrator, told reporters he hoped to have astronauts back there by 2028.

NASA currently plans to build a small space station, dubbed Gateway, in the Moon's orbit by 2026. It will serve as a way- station for trips to and from the lunar surface, but will not be permanently crewed like the International Space Station (ISS), currently in Earth's orbit.

Before this manned program, NASA is also pushing to send scientific instruments and other technological tools to the Moon in 2020 or even before the end of this year.

NASA's accelerated plans flesh out the Space Policy Directive that Trump signed in December 2017, envisaging a return to the Moon before a manned mission to Mars, possibly in the 2030s.

He also added, that the next time they touch down on the lunar surface, the plan is still to build a base, saying, “when we go to the Moon, we're actually going to stay. We're not going to leave flags and footprints and then come home to not go back for another 50 years" he said.

And I bet when that base is someday built, and humans are actually living on the moon, other humans living down here on Earth still won’t believe we’ve ever been there. https://phys.org/news/2019-02-nasa-moon.html

PAUSE TOP FIVE TAKEAWAYS OUTRO

XIII.Final Announcements A. Episode has been sucked!: We did it! We landed on an episode about landing on the moon! I just planted a Timesuck flag in the floor of the Suck Dungeon to mark the occasion.

Fun Suck. I hope you liked it!

B. Thank you to Timesuck Team (including episode researcher): Big thanks to the Timesuck Team! Thanks to the Queen of the Suck Lynze Cummins, High Priestess of the Suck Harmony Vellekamp, Jessie “Guardian of Grammar” Dobner, Reverend Doctor Joe Paisley. Timesuck High Priest Alex Dugan, the guys at Bit Elixir, Danger Brain Axis Apparel. Thanks to Lillie Twins, the Hammers - for kicking off the research this week - and HUGE thanks again to new full time Suck Dungeon employee and head of research Zaq Flannary for his help. Still need a proper nickname for him. It’s gotta come to me. Can’t rush it.

Extra special huge thanks to Timesucker and Space Lizard Zach Stephens out of Laramie Wyoming who runs Mountain Edge Design. Zach made a custom, heavy duty metal and wood stand for my iPad so I can hit segment intro and outro buttons quickly and easily and it makes recording straight through without stopping so much easier. He made it for the Secret Suck where I use a lot of buttons and it’s been a life saver. Thank you Zach!

C. Facebook Group/Messageboard: If you haven’t already done so, check out the Cult of the Curious private Facebook group online. Over 8,000 members now. And over 2,000 members on Discord. Link to both in the episode description. You can link to Discord in the app.

D. Next Episode Preview: E. Segue to Timesucker Updates: Next week we travel back to New Orleans! LOVE IT! Wish I was traveling back in real life.

Madame Delphine LaLaurie. Born in New Orleans in 1787 - back when it was Nueva Orleans during the Spanish colonial period. Delphine Macarty married three times in Louisiana, and was twice widowed. She maintained her position in New Orleans society until April 10, 1834, when rescuers responded to a fire at her Royal Street mansion.

I’ve seen this mansion. Walked past it on a New Orleans ghost tour. Supposed to be one of the most haunted places in that supposedly very haunted city. It creeped me out and has apparently creeped out a lot of owners over the years.

Nicholas Cage bought the house and talked on Letterman about how his own family members had no interest in spending a night there. It’s not sure if he ever spent a night there before a bank repossessed it in 2009. He’d only bought it in 2007. The mansion has served as a high school, a music conservatory, a bar, a furniture store, and empty tenement and an apartment building. Almost every inhabitant moved out within months or suffered tragedy and death.

It’s supposedly cursed because of a bunch of really, really evil shit Madame Delphine supposedly did in that mansion.

When rescuers responded to that 1834 fire, they discovered bound slaves in her attic who showed evidence of unbelievably cruel, violent abuse that had happened over a long period. Lalaurie's house was subsequently sacked by an outraged mob of New Orleans citizens.

Think about how bad abuse had to have been for the public to become outraged over the treatment of slaves in 1834. It was insane.

For American Horror Story fans, the incredible actress Kathy Bates - one of my favorite horror actresses of all time - Misery, anyone” - she portrayed a fictionalized version of Delphine LaLaurie in the 2013 third season and also in the 2018 eighth season. Hearing about LaLaurie on that ghost tour and the third season of American Horror Story are what made me want to put this topic on the board.

It’s a dark one next week. Dark and different. Hope you like it!

Now let’s get a little lighter, and dive into to this week’s Timesucker Udpates.

PAUSE TIMESUCKER UPDATES INTRO XIV.Timesucker Updates

A. Vikings Update: Starting off with a Vikings update coming in from Josh House

Hail Nimrod and hello, Dr. Suckington McSuckerface! My name is Josh and I’m an Indiana Sucker and as of a few weeks ago an honorary Space Lizard! I’m also a massive nerd (term of endearment) for Vikings, Norse, and old Scandinavian history. I wanted to write you about when I was listening to the Episode 135 Vikings Suck Yesterday and you had mentioned twice that Vikings had worn horned helmets. I know that every other Viking loving sucker (myself included) cringed and thought about writing to correct you! I could almost hear their sighs of relief when later in the episode you stated that in fact that Vikings did not wear any head gear with protruding horns to a close combat situation! So instead I decided to write and tell you how FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC Timesuck is! I love every episode I’ve heard as well as the secret suck and all the awesome features that come with being a Space Lizard. Please keep up what you and the team are doing and keep on suckin’ baby!!

Thanks Josh! And yes, I did get emails about the horns. The sad thing is, it was written in my notes that they did not have horns on their helmets. Two separate researchers verified that. But the stereotype of a horned element is so seared into my brain from modern Viking imagery that I added that not true detail back in. Thanks for the correction and of course the kind words! Keep on suckin’, Space Lizard!

B. Got another Vikings Update from Timesucker Ethan Turner, who writes:

Avast Dearest Suckmaster! I’m writing this as I’m listening to the Vikings suck on my Monday (Which happens to be a Wednesday) and I have something to add about the hygiene habits that you talked about the Vikings having. When you mentioned that Vikings were considered cleaner than most folks at the time due to many supposedly bathing at least once a week, you also mentioned that some other European royalty would bathe once a month. Well, history has shown that that may be a bit of a generous estimate. While I’m not 100% sure about the timeframe, in many European countries in the medieval era, being nude in any capacity was considered bad or sinful from the perspective of the church, so bathing would be avoided at all costs by royalty. A fine example being King Louis XIV who supposedly only bathed twice in his life, and Queen Isabella of Spain who bragged that she’d only bathed twice (Once when she was born, and once when she was married). On top of that, the way we treat influencers like the Kardashians, if the King or Queen was doing it, then the folks at the bottom considered it the popular thing to do and thusly opted out of bathing as well. An example of this “The King does it so we should too” mentality was when the aforementioned King Louis XIV developed an Anal Fistula [fis-choo-luh] (An opening between the anal canal and external skin, typically in the perineal area, basically an extra butthole probably caused by being a dirty dirty boy who doesn’t bathe), many of the lower class, men and women alike, would bandage their asses and pretend to have an Anal Fistula. Because the king has one. It’s kinda like if Kim Kardashian seemed to perpetually have an infected zit on her forehead and kept a bandaid on it, so teenage girls started putting bandaids on their foreheads. But, enough dirty fun facts, I love what you do, and I love this community that I’ve gotten to grow with since the start, and I can’t wait to see where our Not-So-Little- Anymore Cult will go in the near future. May Nimrod bless you every day, may lucifina keep her sultry hands from your holy work, and May Bojangles stay his jaws from your Mushmouth neck. Oh, and Keep On Suckin’!

Wow. So much great info! History was often fucking gross, wasn’t it? Thanks for your kind words.

Two baths in a life! That is so horrific. Oral sex had to have been less common back then, right? That’s immediately where my mind goes. Or, I guess you just get used to the stink. And that Anal Fistula [fis-choo-luh]. ?? That is ridiculous. Copying that because of the king. How strange we meat sacks can be.

C. Now for an incredible Cult Update that speaks to the growing power of the Cult of the Curious. This makes my heart so happy. An anonymous sucker writes:

Dear Master Suck, Lord of all that sucks.

My name is Rae Taylor (I’m using a fake name because of the information I’m sharing with you) and I grew up in a doomsday cult for most of my life. My parents left their Christian faith in 1997 and started to follow the current leader of the church I grew up in. In 2001 a group of ex-Christians created this cult.

*(it’s called [ERASED], but please don’t share this)*.

When I was seven years old I was taught that our leader was “God becoming” and that the world as we knew it would end in a apocalypse. At first we believed that it would be a massive natural disaster, but this changed to the ideas of nuclear war, martial law and even human zombies (I’m not joking). Each family had their own gardens and farm animals and every summer we would can up all of the food for “survival one day”. The youth learned how to kill and clean animals, shoot guns and other survival skills, meanwhile we were going to public school, watching television and having Christmas parties like other normal children. We were told not to tell anyone about what we believed in and what we were preparing for.

I can not explain the emotion burden of believing that the entire world was ending and not being able to tell your friends, teachers and other family members about it. But I lived this, over and over again believing that the “next time” the world would really end. My leader was never wrong about the times and dates, we were just “too selfish” or “too preoccupied in the world” for it to end. It was always our fault and I believed it. I was a child and I believed I was a terrible person for not wanting the world to end.

When I became an adult all of the “youth” of my church had left this cult including my younger brother. He tried desperately to get me to come with him but I refused at the time and began to become more intense about my faith and church responsibilities. I became a teacher for the women of my church and began to try to convince others to seek my faith. This intensity and secrecy cost me countless of friendships and my boyfriend, but to me I believed they were turning away from some sort of “truth” and that they would die.

In December 2017 my brother told me to start listening to a great podcast called Timesuck created by our favorite comedian Dan Cummins. I was obsessed immediately and binged almost every episode, except the ones about religious cults. My brother implored me to look into these episodes and to listen to them with an open mind, when I refused my brother offered to listen to it together. We chose to listen to the Jonestown Massacre/Jim Jones cult episode. I remember you saying you couldn’t understand why these people would continue to follow a man who was so crazed and clearly lying to them when suddenly my brother stood up and shouted it at his iPhone

“Ok well, you weren’t there man!”

We both looked at each other stunned at this outburst but then started to laugh hysterically. Because something had finally clicked for us but especially for me. We had not chosen our childhood, because no one gets to choose how they are raised, we had just been part of it and none of it was our fault at all. Suddenly I had a new way of looking at the world and I started to think critically of everything had believed and feared my whole life. I spilled everything to my boyfriend who was surprised but told me he still loves me for who I was and said that I should leave. I came to my leader and told him I did not want to be a teacher anymore and that I was leaving the church, he paused and replied casually “I didn’t think you would last this long”.

My parents were devastated when I told them I was leaving our church. but now luckily, we have come to a healthy understanding that we are different people and want different things.

I had let this cult control me for so long but now I am pursuing a bachelors in history and I love to study evolution and genetics. I am also planning my wedding for 2020.

And of course I am a Space Lizard and love to spread the word of the suck.

I know this is long but is you were willing to give a shout out to my brother, J-R-D (also a fake name but he will know). He is your biggest fan and loves as been listening to your comedy since he was a child. He was only 20 when you last came to our city and wasn’t able to see you, so the shot out would mean a lot to him.

Thank you for pushing the boundaries and teaching people that the world is bigger than what they believe and what they are taught. Keep on sucking, especially on cults.

Your humble and loyal space lizard. The Real Queen of Cults (just kidding Lindsey) Rae Taylor.

P.S I would be happy to answer any questions you have, if you have any.

This is incredible, Rae. I am so, so, SO happy for you! Thank you for sharing this and I am so glad our cult could help you get out of yours. I’m sad that your relationship with your parents is now strained, but, you will have such a happier more fulfilling life now. You’re eyes are now open and you can see the real life and beauty that the world has to offer. There is still so much pain. But at least you can see that for what it is actually is now too. You’re not just waiting for the end now - you’re living. Hail Nimrod you beautiful, brave soul.

Enjoy your new life and J-R-D - thank you for not giving up on your sister and giving her a chance at real, honest happiness and fulfillment.

Bojangles might just be kind of purring like a happy cat now. He’s fucking loving this. Keep on suckin’, get that history enjoy, and enjoy being engaged. It’s wonderful.

D. Quick, funny palette cleanser of an update from Timesucker Mykl Schmidt who writes:

"Eat thier babies fuck thier dead!" ... as I sit at work playing timesuck on my speaker and minding my own fucking business, this is what plays as my coworker approaches to do off some more mail (I'm a postal worker) so thanks for the awkward stares I get from my fellow workers whom are now concerned for thier safety. Hail Odin, Nimrod, and Bo Motherfuckin Jangles.

Haha! Hail Odin, Mykl! Sorry for the awkward stares.

E. Update and love from a Swedish Sucker - Elin Gustafsson

Elin writes: All hail Darth Suck aka BoJangles footstool aka Överste Sug! I'm a Swede and a huge fan of yours, i think my neighbors may think there lives a funny, loud American dude in my apartment 'cus I play the pod on speakers basically every second i spend awake there. Just finished listening to the Viking episode and just wanted to say hilarious! Zero offended, we Swedes generally don't have any like super patriotic culture (excepts for our dear right winged extremists) so we are basically un-offendable in regards to like our language and such (that's a super power for ya!). We don't really have any beef with Norway and Finland but... We like to make fun of them! One saying is that the Norwegians are descendants of jellyfish... And seriously Finish may be the ugliest most un-sexy language ever! And we Swedes are awse.. Ok, maybe a teeny tiny bit patriotic.. Anywhoosie, keep on sucking the sweet juice from the teats of knowledge. Hälsningar från Sverige! //Elin

Thank you, Elin! It makes me so happy to hear about being heard in the land of Odin and Thor and Loki! I hope I make it to your great land one day. In the meantime, I hope you keep on suckin’!

F. ADAM SELTZER UPDATE:

And finally, another powerful update that speaks volumes to the good our great and growing community can do. It comes in from Adam Seltzer. The wonderful Canadian father with a hall of fame life fighter of a son. Beautiful boy Jacob. Tear jerker alert to anyone listening in a place you don’t want to cry.

I don’t think me eyes are gonna be able to stay dry much longer. I hate crying, but, I have to share this.

Adam writes

SuckMaster…..

I don’t know how you did it. It took time and effort and coordination that I cannot thank you enough for. I am certain that there are people working for the Suck that helped, please please please thank them for me. I’ve said it before, but I am truly and honestly blown away by the compassion and warm reception my son’s story has received from you and your people. Thank you Dan. For the donations, the care packages and all the kind and supportive words.

I’ve enclosed a letter that explains a few thoughts I’d like everyone who helped us to know. I you can, please share it however you see fit.

But between you and I…. I don’t know the future. I have no idea what comes next and I have learned that I control very little. But I do know two things for sure. Firstly, I know that someday down the line, I will pay this kindness forward to some other timesucker who needs it. I promise.

Secondly, i don’t know when or where, but someday I will stand right in front of you, look you in the eye, shake your hand to thank you face to face. I promise. (Don’t let the darker timelines you’ve done make you nervous, I’m not going to murder you or rape you or anything… I’m a normal human, you’ll be fine.)

Thank You. Praise Bojangles. Adam.

And now here is Adam’s letter.

Sir,

Sometimes it takes the right kind of eyes to see a thing, even though its right in front of you.

“The healthy wear a crown that only the sick can see.” Years ago, I had read that quote somewhere else in my life at a different time when I was a different person; it didn’t really resonate with me then. Now, in the hospital hallways and isolation rooms and the long nighttime drives, it repeats itself in my head over and over. I see those crowns everywhere. It is easy to feel alone during this fight. No immune system means no crowds, no public areas, no visitors, no backyard firepits with neighborhood friends, no social life, no uncontrolled elements, no spontaneity, no, no, no. You step to the side and watch all that move past you. You have to ignore it and you have to focus on the fight – but there are inevitably moments of feeling isolated and disconnected. Feeling alone. Everything is more difficult when you are alone, Pediatric Cancer is no different.

Nurses and Doctors swagger in with their crowns and their advice and their couple minutes of sympathy a week – then they are gone and it’s just you and this awful thing, alone, struggling until one of you gives in. It’s easy to lose ground when you have no support. Way too easy.

Looking closer however, it would seem that I am a very special kind of idiot, because I believed that we were in this fight alone. I don’t know how you did it, you sly bastard. I don’t know how you gathered all these amazing people and created this phenomenal care package for us, but you did it. We came home from yet another draining hospital visit only to find two giant boxes on our front porch, direct from the famed Suck Dungeon shipped right to our house.

Toys, clothing, food, books, stickers, artwork.... And letters. Beautiful, heartfelt, unsolicited, amazing letters from Time Suckers and Space Lizards around the U.S.A. The support was unbelievable. So many sweet and wonderful people sent us a giant care package absolutely guaranteed to keep Jacob warm and safe and entertained and supported through whatever comes next for us. It is impossible to feel alone now, for him or for us.

I feel like I’ve had blinders on for months and they’ve just been ripped off. I thought we were alone, struggling for every inch by ourselves. I couldn’t have been more wrong. We are putting in the work here, at home, but this fight is much bigger than just us. This fight is in Ohio and Idaho and Iowa and Kentucky and Lansing Michigan and all the through the states all the way down to good ol’ Texas.

After we sat and saw every gift and read every letter, I immediately filled up my new Time Suck Travel mug with a mixture of coffee and baileys (in a ratio known only to me) and we walked to the lake. We sat there and I explained to Jake that we have to do the heavy lifting here at home, but out there on the other side of the lake is an Army of Time Suckers and Space Lizards that are watching us and supporting us every day. Now, every day on our walk, we go to the lake and we wave to all the people on the other side who are in this fight with us. We wave because we know now that we are not alone and we want all our friends see us and know that we are still here, we are still fighting and that we are doing okay.

Thank you. All of you. A thousand times over, thank you. Hail Nimrod.

Adam, Jen and Jake. Random Canadian Space Lizards.

Also enclosed by Adam are two pics of little Jake. He’s a handsome, handsome little man. And he’s surrounded by gifts sent in for Timesuckers. And those gifts are helping him fight for his fucking life.

Joe, Lynze, and I all cried over this one. Harmony and Alex did too. Wow.

You keep loving that little boy with all of your heart. We’ll all keep him in ours. We’ll all set little mental crowns on his perfect little head. And maybe all of that love and support will be enough to do what science sometimes can’t. Maybe miracles are real. Maybe we’re all part of this one. I sure fucking hope so.

I can’t wait for that handshake Adam. I hope you’re holding Jacob when you give it to me.

To every Timesucker who helped this family - thank you from the bottom of my heart. If this ride stopped today - it would be worth it.

We helped one Sucker out of a cult. We’re helping another not have to fight life’s hardest fight alone. That shit matters, meat sacks. It matters more than any jokes or silly character or more than any podcast could.

I love this community. Thank you all for being a part of it. And special thanks to Harmony and Lynze for putting Adam’s care package together and making sure it made it to Adam. Lot of big hears working on the Suck.

PAUSE TIMESUCKER UPDATES OUTRO XV.Goodbye!

Have a great week everyone. Enjoy a glance or two at the moon next time you get a chance. It’s beautiful. Think of Adam and little Jacob looking at it when you do. Maybe one day, some Timesucker will walk on it. If you do - take a Timesuck sticker for me and slap it up there somewhere. Hail Nimrod you beautiful bastards, and keep on sucking.