It all starts with a kiss …

Hello and welcome to our sex and relationships guide for young and bisexual women.

We are LIK:T the young lesbian and bisexual women’s health project. We make information leaflets; write a magazine 3 times a year and plan brilliant activities and events for young lesbian and bisexual women (14-25 years old) including our infamous annual summer camp! We meet once a month 6.30-9pm (usually the first Monday of the month) at the Lesbian and Gay Centre in Manchester. We run weekly and fortnightly allotment and football groups and run regular arts projects including photography and drama. We are supported by a worker from Manchester Youth Service. For more details about our project contact Amelia or Myrtle on [email protected] or call 0781 398 1338

Why?

We all came together as young people because we felt that there is not enough information out there for people like us, not enough spaces that we can call our own, and lots of people and places that don’t treat us and our relationships as valid or healthy. So we decided to create for ourselves that information and those spaces, all the while focussing on a healthy lifestyle. We want to encourage positive attitudes to being lesbian or bisexual, and we welcome you to join us!

What’s it all about then?

Our leaflet includes just about all a young lesbian or bisexual (L+B) women could want to know about sex and relationships, plus contact details if we haven’t answered all your questions. So enjoy the experience… X

1 Sex and relationships Contents Our survey says…

Page We have done lots of surveys 1 It all starts with a kiss 2 Our survey says and Over the past 2 years; at Pride, Contents at International Women’s Day, at 3-4 Assertiveness quiz all our events and in trips to Cork, 5-6 What girls do in bed Dublin, Glasgow and Edinburgh. 7-8 Taking it further Here are some of the highlights 9 Coming out to a we found out about sex n all healthcare professional 10-12 Safer sex tips that… 13 What’s love got to do with it? and Keep it equal l Most L+B women found other 14 When love goes wrong L+B women as friends thru 15 But on a happy note and pubs, clubs, university, college 16 Respect yourself or thru other friends 17 Respect in relationships 18 Coming out l 19-20 Sex with boys Women found girlfriends thru 21-27 and all of the above plus at work, in contraception sports teams and the internet. 26-28 Guide to abortion 29 Smear tests l Lesbian and bisexual (L+B) 30 cancer women would rather access info 31-32 Different types of sex on sex and relationships from a 33 Online dating 34-35 Friends or lovers? project specifically 36-38 Abusive relationships for L + B women 39 Civil Partnerships 40 l Tops tips for first moves 41-42 Contact details include making the person you fancy laugh, talking to them in This booklet was written by Myrtle a toilet queue or buying them a (aged 16), Maz (18), Gemma (27), Amelia (22), Lisa (21), Tessa (20), drink amd with the help of Jen (21), CC (32), Sally (38) and Steph (16). In l Half our respondents 2005. Updated October 2008. recommend using lubricant and Photos by Amelia, Sally and Tracey. most said sex toys like vibrators Front cover by are fun for all types of sex Thanks to all

Sex and relationships 2 ASSERTIVENESS QUIZ

To get the most out of relationships with people, it is important that you know yourself and the type of person you are. Try our little quiz and find out what type of a communicator you are…

1. Your girlfriend/boyfriend tells you that they are really mad at you for not returning their calls. You realise that your parents /housemate never gave you the messages. You... A. Don’t say anything about the messages to your parents/housemate B. Ask your parents /housemate if your girlfriend/boyfriend called while you were out C. You get even by not giving your parents /housemate a phone message 2. Your teacher gives you a “C” on a paper that you believe was at least “B+”. You... A. Go home and cry or put it down to a learning experience B. Ask the teacher to explain the grade since you were expecting a better grade C. Rip the paper up and tell your friends what a lousy teacher he or she is 3. Your friend says something that hurts your feelings. You... A. Say nothing and hope it doesn’t happen again B. Tell your friend that what they said hurt your feelings C. Vow to get even with your friend (e.g., say something hurtful back) 4. Your friend offers to collect something from the shop for you but doesn’t give you your change. You... A. Assume there was no change B. Ask if there was any change C. Accuse your friend of trying to rip you off 5. Your classmate asks if he/she can copy your homework. You... A. Let them even though you’re not real comfortable with the idea B. Tell them you’d rather not, but you’d be glad to help them with their work C. Tell them you’re not a cheater like them 6. You’re about to have sex with someone you’ve been dating, but they tell you that they’d rather not use protection. You are concerned about HIV and other Sexually transmitted infections (STI’s). You... A. Have unprotected sex B. Tell them you will not have sex without protection C. Tell them you don’t want to get a disease from them 7. Your date suggests a particular movie, but you’ve been looking forward to seeing a different one. You... A. Go to the movie they suggested B. Tell them that you really want to see the other movie and try to decide together C. You see the movie they suggested but you complain about how stupid it is 8. You are shopping with a friend and they try on a pair of jeans and ask you how

3 Sex and relationships they look. You think the jeans are too small, but they sound excited about how they look in them. You... A. Smile and say the jeans are cool B. Tell them you like the jeans but suggest a different size C. Tell them that the jeans make them look like a fat pig

Scoring: What sort of a person are you? Mostly ‘A’s = A Passive style - You may tend to interact with others in a passive way, taking their feelings and thoughts as more important than your own. Mostly ‘C’s = An aggressive approach - You may come across to others as aggressive and perhaps a bit harsh. Mostly ‘B’s = An Assertive Style - You consider the thoughts and feelings of others without discounting your own. You might not fit exactly into one style, but instead communicate with different people in different ways e.g. you may be more passive with your boy/girlfriend and more aggressive with your parents. See below for more info on the styles

COMMUNICATION STYLES Passive Assertive Aggressive Definition Communication style Communication style Communication style where you put the where you stand up where you stand up rights of others before for your rights while for your rights but your own, minimizing maintaining respect you violate the rights your own self worth for the rights of of others others Implications to My feelings are not We are both Your feelings are not Others important important important I don’t matter We both matter You don’t matter I think I’m inferior I think we are equal I think I’m superior Verbal Styles Apologetic I statements You statements Overly soft or tentative Firm voice Loud voice voice Non-Verbal Looking down or away Looking direct Staring, narrow eyes Styles Stooped posture, Relaxed posture, Tense, clenched excessive head smooth and relaxed fists, rigid posture, nodding movements pointing fingers Potential Lowered self esteem Higher self esteem Guilt Consequences Anger at self Self respect Anger from others False feelings of Respect from others Lowered self esteem inferiority Respect of others Disrespect from Disrespect from others others Pitied by others Feared by others

Sex and relationships 4 What do girls do in bed together?

The real question is where to start?!

Girl-on-girl sex is so much more than people assume. A good starting place would be to make sure you trust you respect yourself and your partner, and of course keep your sex safe.

Blast the myths: It is a myth that one woman will take on ‘the man’ role and one will be ‘the woman’. Some people like to play more dominant roles in sex, whilst others like to be more passive, but many women like to take it in turns – it’s all about talking to each other about what you like.

The Basics

Rule number 1 is a must! If you want sex to be hot, horny and enjoyable, make sure you turn your girl on big style: nibbling her ears, neck, , caressing her thighs, dirty talk… find out what turns her on and do it!

2 Keeping it simple. The simplest form of lesbian sex involves fingers, tongues and lots of imagination. For a lot of people this is quite enough! Mutual (/ finger fucking), cunnilingus (going down/ licking), frottage (dry humping/ rubbing/ tribadism), anal, (putting your fist up your partner’s - N.B this requires lots of lube!), (entwined with open legs so your are touching) etc are all very pleasurable, and the big ‘O’ (orgasmic joy) will hopefully be on its way. But remember that aren’t the be all and end all, and

5 Sex and relationships lots of people get just as much pleasure from the journey as they do from the destination!!!

3 Talk the talk. Make sure that whatever you do, you talk to your partner about it, find out what they like (how hard/ fast/ how many [fingers]) and what they (and you!) are comfortable doing.

4 Lube it up! You can never use too much lube (lubricant). Lube can be bought from chemists, sex shops or can be got free from Brook/sex health clinics. It is a liquid that you apply to the vaginal area to make sex smoother, more sensual and safer (you are less likely to do any internal damage like make your partner sore inside if you use lube) Use water- based lube if possible, as other types can damage .

Sex and relationships 6 Taking it further…

If you feel more adventurous, you might want to try sex toys. , vibrators, anal beads, strap-ons – the list is endless! The key is to start small (sometimes literally!) and find out what you both enjoy. If it feels right, stick with it or take it further (or bigger!) Some people enjoy fantasy role-play or ‘sadomasochism’ referred to as ‘S&M’ (restraints, handcuffs etc), but when doing this is vital that both people are comfortable with it and that you have ground rules and a ‘safe word’ either of you can use if you want to stop.

Tribadism Tribadism is the technical term for female to female genital contact. It comes from the Greek word Tribein (to rub) and this was taken into the English Language as the word ‘tribade’ which was first used to mean homosexual woman - the equivalent of today’s word ‘lesbian’.

Scissor Sisters is a common term for a position used to achieve tribadism (and is also a band who sing songs with gay lyrics...)

Other words tribbing, scissoring, humping, mashing, frottage, rubbing fannies, bumping clits, grinding beans and touching tacos.

How? Some couples can do it and some simply can’t or may find it too uncomfortable. Some couples find that entwining their legs in a scissor

7 Sex and relationships sort of shape is the easiest and most comfortable way to be close enough to have this kind of contact but lots of women experiment to see what suits them.

What are the risks? Although there’s not been much research into this kind of sex, studies carried out suggest that women who have a higher number of female partners have an increased risk of both HPV (which causes genital warts) and Herpes.

Having this kind of sex also puts and bisexual women at risk of contracting other Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) such as Chlamydia, Gonorrhoea and HIV although it is considered less risky than heterosexual intercourse.

Safer Sex Making Tribadism safer may involve a bit of imagination... Alternatives to direct stimulation between (the whole of a woman’s outer genitals), include:

- rubbing your against another body part such as a thigh which gives the same sense of closeness (often called frottage) - doing everything the same but with clothes on - wrapping you and/or your partner in something which will protect you both such as cling film (only the non-microwaveable stuff - the other has tiny holes in) - get tested, along with your partner for STIs at a Sexual Health Clinic or GUM before you start.

Sex and relationships 8 Coming out to a healthcare professional…

When should you do it…? Well the answer is never IF you don’t feel comfortable about it. There are no STDs that you can catch if you are Lesbian or Bi-sexual that you can’t catch if you are straight and so if you’re asking for a sexual health check up your GP or Sexual healthcare nurse will check for all STDs that they would check for someone who is in a straight relationship.

However, during a sexual health checkup you’ll generally be asked if there is the possibility that you may be pregnant… (unlikely if you are in a same sex relationship!!) and so you may wish to inform them that this is the case to save your and your GP / Healthcare professional’s time and resources. If you are willing to share this information then remember that this shouldn’t in any way change the way that you are treated during your check up or in future check ups if you are seeing your GP.

Remember l You have the right to be open about your sexuality if you want to be l You have the right to be treated with respect l You have the right to confidentiality l You have the right to complain if you are not happy with the service you are receiving.

If you do want to come out to your GP then it could be a good idea to scope out whether the practice that you are registered with is LGBT friendly. You could read their equality statements, look around the surgery for posters or leaflets or just ask outright what their policy is around LGBT patients.

If you come out and feel that you have been treated unfairly as a result then you have the right to complain. It is usually best to do this in writing to you General Practice in the first instance as you will then have a record of your complaint. Try to give as much detailed information in this as possible. If you are then unhappy with the response you have been given you can follow up this complaint with the Local Health Authority.

9 Sex and relationships Safer sex tips:

Lesbian and Bisexual women can give each other infections and diseases through sex (sexually transmitted infections/ STIs). It is not as easy to pass these as it is through straight sex, but there is always a risk. Most common problems for L and B women include thrush, cystitis, bacterial vaginosis, and herpes; though it is possible to get others. Here is how NOT to get them:

1. YOU choose when you have sex, no one else, so be empowered enough to say NO when you don’t want sex 2. Trust, respect and communicate with each other 3. Try not to transfer vaginal fluids from one vagina to another during sex 4. Use latex gloves for fingering/ fisting 5. Do not use the same hand to finger someone anally then vaginally, (put a on your fingers for one hole and take it off for the next) 6. You can use dental dams (a latex square) for to make it safer, (but don’t ‘do down’ on someone if you have any mouth infections like cold sores) 7. Don’t share sex toys unless you use a condom each time you use it on a different person (or hole!)

If you do think you have caught something, go get yourself checked out with a doctor, sex health clinic or ask a pharmacist. If you think you have an STI then don’t have sex with anyone until you know you are clear.

For the girls who like girls…..

The only kind of between women is sex that doesn’t permit any bodily fluids to enter into yours or your partners body, so you can kiss and hold each other touch each others bodies and and masturbate without any risk of infection.

So how can I reduce the risks with other stuff? Oral sex or going down on your partner is considered low risk but remember to be careful if you have cuts in your mouth or genitals or if you

Sex and relationships 10 or your partner are on your period. You can buy dental dams which make oral sex safer, these can also be improvised from a condom of non micro- wavable cling film if you’re skint (the non micro-wavable bit is important as this means it doesn’t have holes in it!)

Fingering your partner is also low risk but again be careful of cuts and abrasions. You can buy finger cots for this or latex gloves and should always make sure that your nails are short. It’s also a good idea to use a lubricant which will reduce friction and so make it less likely that you will make cut or make your partner sore (it also makes it more fun!!)

Fisting your partner is higher risk as it is more likely that it could lead to cuts in the lining of the vagina and bleeding. Again latex gloves and lots of lube can be used to minimise risk and it’s always advisable (and much nicer!) to take it slow.

Using sex toys with your partner is very low risk but remember that if your are sharing sex toys that have penetrated one of you (dildos or vibrators) then this can be risky. Always give them a good clean in between or condom them up and use a lubricant to help prevent the condom from splitting.

So what can I catch? HIV can be transmitted when , vaginal fluids, blood or breast milk from a person who is HIV positive enters the bloodstream of another person. Lesbians are fortunate in that it’s very unlikely that this could occur between two women and there are very few sexual women to women transmissions of HIV documented. Chlamydia is very rare in Lesbians but could be passed if you share sex toys and don’t clean in between use. Gonorrhea is also rare for Lesbians but again could be passed if you share sex toys and don’t clean in between use. Hepatitis B when it’s at it’s most infectious can be passed between women if you are sharing sex toys that have not been cleaned between use. Herpes exists in painful sores inside the vagina or anus and can be passed if you come into contact with the sore so touching someone with herpes and then masturbating or sharing sex toys that have not been cleaned between use.

11 Sex and relationships Genital Warts don’t hurt but can be passed in the same way as herpes. Crabs cause itching and can be passed through skin / body contact. Thrush causes soreness and itching and can be passed via sex between women although this may not be why your partner has it in the first place so it’s best not to jump to conclusions!

For the girls who like girls and boys... If you’re thinking about having sex with a women then all of the above apply, if you’re having sex with a man, following the advice below will make your sex safer.

If your partner enters your vagina with his penis then you need to make sure that he wears a condom. Even if he doesn’t come then there is enough sperm at the top of his penis when it’s erect to get you pregnant or to transmit an infection to you.

If you’re are going to have then it’s a good idea to use an extra strong condom but even more importantly you must use a lubricant as the condom is much more likely to burst during anal sex than during vaginal sex.

If you’re having both then make sure you change the condom between anal and vaginal sex.

If you’re sharing toys then make sure you protect them as you would do a penis!

For girls who like more than one girl or boy at a time...

If you’re having, or planning on having sex with more than one partner then it’s really important to practise safer sex the more people you have sex with the more likely it is statistically that you will be having sex with someone who may be carrying a sexually transmitted infection.

If you’re having sex with more than one women then it’s essential to clean sex toys between partners or use condoms that are changed between partners. Avoid entering one partner and then entering another as this may spread infection amongst all of you.

Sex and relationships 12 If you are having sex with more than one women and man then do the same but always use condoms and change condoms between partners.

“What’s Love got to do with it?”

No leaflet about sex, relationships and sexuality would be complete without talking about love. There are different types of love - e.g. the love you feel for close friends and family, the love you have for humankind and of course romantic love.

For many young lesbian and bisexual women love is what can make sense of your feelings of attraction towards other women. When you fall in love with someone who feels the same way about you there is no better feeling in the world. Love can be a very pure and amazing thing.

You’re probably in love if … l you think about that person all the time l when you think of them you smile l when you kiss each other the rest of the world seems to disappear l songs about love feel like they were written just for you l you always look forward to seeing each other l the world seems like a nicer place since you met

Is it mutual? If you have fallen for someone it might be hard to work out if the other person likes you back, and in a sexual way, but be brave and try to work out a way to ask them or find out.

Keep it equal… If you love someone, you want to do anything for them, but they should never ask you to do anything for them that they wouldn’t

13 Sex and relationships do back for you. Love should be a two-way thing, so you will both need to be prepared to compromise and make an effort (e.g. from who chooses the film you watch tonight to who pays for the tickets). If one partner is paying for everything, they can end up feeling resentful, or that they have more right to make decisions for both of you. Although you might not have the same amounts of money to spend on each other, there are other ways of making the relationship equal, e.g. the richer partner could take you out for a meal, and you could cook them a meal at home. It’s about making an effort to show that you care about each other.

When love goes wrong… Unfortunately there are lots of ways that love can go wrong. These include not being equally into each other, pressures of time and distance, cheating, abuse and addictions. And sometimes when things ain’t right it’s time to call it quits.

Dealing with heartbreak 1 Talk about it – to friends and family if you can, or to a counsellor or a helpline if you prefer. Talking about it can help you to deal with the emotions that you’re feeling and can help you to work out what went wrong and how to prevent the same thing happening again.

2 Do some exercise - although you might not feel like it, doing some exercise can help you release tension, can help you to feel better about your body (and self image), and can get feel good chemicals rushing round your body, which can help improve your mood.

2 Think positive - although it might feel like your world has collapsed, try to think of reasons to be happy, e.g. you’ll have more time to see good friends and take part in interests you have, the freedom to make your own decisions without having to think about your ex, etc.

Sex and relationships 14 3 Avoid alcohol and drugs - although you might want to get really drunk or take drugs to forget about your heart- break, these are only likely to make you feel worse (especially alcohol which is a depressant), and won’t help you to cope with your feelings.

4 Time is a healer - it’s a cliché, but you really will feel better, and the situation will get better with time.

But on a happy note -

If you have found love once, the chances are that you will again, and usually when you least expect it. Here are some things that people involved in our project had to say about love.

“There might be bad times, but overall it should be worth it”

“My girlfriend has restored my faith in love. She’s beautiful, funny, caring, passionate, and makes me feel amazing about myself and about life in general. I’m so lucky to have met her. I love being in love!”

“Love isn’t every- thing in life, but it makes the journey a lot nicer”

Here’s wishing you love and happiness…

15 Sex and relationships Respect Yourself

When it comes to sex and relationships, it’s important that you respect yourself. Everyone deserves to be treated well, and that that includes YOU! There are several ways that you can respect yourself.

Drinking and taking drugs - both of these can lead to you embarrassing yourself and your friends, being ill, making bad decisions (if you don’t fancy someone when you’re sober, you don’t want to go there when you’re drunk or on drugs), getting into fights or being aggressive. Some people will also take advantage of you if you’re too drunk or too drugged up to know what you’re doing. (see back page for info line on drugs and alcohol)

Body image - when we’re being constantly shown images of skinny glamorous women by the media, it’s difficult to feel happy with our own bodies.

However remember:

1 beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Different people are attracted to different body shapes and sizes.

2 Most of us are attracted to people despite (or even maybe because of) their flaws, so it follows that we will all be attractive to other people despite our own flaws.

3 It’s normal to be a bit self-conscious or not to like all of our bodies but it’s also important to accept ourselves the way we are.

Remember that anyone who cares about you will accept you whatever your body shape, size or looks.

Sex and relationships 16 Respect in relationships - if you don’t respect yourself, you might put up with other people treating you badly in relationships. You deserve to be treated as well as anyone else. Anyone who really cares about you will not deliberately hurt you or treat you in ways that they would not be happy to be treated. It’s also possible if you don’t take care of yourself, that you might end up treating the people around you badly or doing things that hurt yourself. The best relationships are respectful. Working on your own confidence and self-esteem can improve your relationships, and also give you the courage to move away from relationships that are bad news.

Sleeping around - there are lots of reasons why you might have sex with someone, l pressures from friends or partners, l hormones, l curiosity, l trying to get someone to like you, l your inhibitions are lowered because of drink or drugs…

…But having sex with someone for the wrong reasons can leave you feeling bad, and can be difficult if either of you thought it was a fling when the other thought it was more serious. Plus there’s the risk of getting a sexually transmitted infection, especially if you didn’t practise safer sex. The best sex, whether you are in love or not, is when you feel relaxed, happy and safe to enjoy each other.

The ‘L’ word…

Realising that you’re lesbian or bisexual can be a pressure when you’re growing up, especially if people around you that tell you that that’s “wrong”. Some young lesbian and bisexual women turn to drink, drugs, self-harm or bad relationships to cope with these feelings and pressures. However there is support available if you are struggling with these issues, and it’s worth trying to find less harmful ways to deal with these pressures. Learn to accept and love yourself and your feelings and will feel happier and make better choices. Respect yourself girl!

17 Sex and relationships ‘Coming out’ as lesbian or bisexual can affect your relationships with the people around you. Most people we have spoken to that have come out are glad they did it, but they made sure that it was the right time and that they had support they needed. Sometimes people have good experiences of coming out, some have bad experiences, but most people have an experience that is somewhere in-between. Here is one girl’s story:

Leila

I knew I was a lesbian since I was small. I remember when I was 11 and all the girls got excited about secret love letters they received from boys. But I knew I was different. I had the same sorts of feelings, but it was for a woman, my teacher Miss Zainab.

I never understood what I was going through until I joined a girls school and hung around with the tomboy types, (maybe they’re gay too now), and used to have secret crushes on the older girls. I knew what I was deep down but I always kept denying it, until I was 18. I wanted to break free desperately and I cut my hair off and started to dress differently. I think I was trying to express my sexuality. Finally, I ended up telling my mum because I just couldn’t lead a straight life anymore.

The reaction was awful. My mum told my uncles and aunties and they all said if I was pregnant then it would be ok and they could pray for me, but being gay was the worst thing. They said it was a white women’s

Sex and relationships 18 disease, but what they didn’t know is that I had an Asian girlfriend. I think there are lesbians in Asian countries but people deny it and pretend it doesn’t exist. Eventually I had to leave my family because they didn’t accept me and I knew they never would. Being alone hurt so much. But I went to lesbian groups, slowly finding my strength and a new family of friends and eventually a girlfriend too, Sarah.

I still get letters from my mum, but I know still deep down she and my family don’t accept me. I feel like I’ve had the roughest experience ever and being Asian just made it worse for me. But I’ve come out of it a better person and I know I’m never alone. It feels good to know that I’m being true to myself.

Sex with boys

Recent research in Bolton found that 81 per cent of lesbians have had sex with men at some point in their lives.

It is not uncommon for lesbian women and gay men to have or have had some sexual experience with the opposite sex. This could be for many reasons e.g. questioning their sexuality; unsure of whether they are happy being with the opposite sex; wanting to appear heterosexual because of the fear of homophobia and of being unaccepted; money; peer pressure and of course being bisexual

So what’s sex with boys is all about?

In this leaflet it explains about love, trust, respect and to only have sex when you are ready. All this applies to whether you are having sex with girls or boys.

19 Sex and relationships And here’s the science bit… When a man is sexually aroused/“horny” his penis will become erect and it will look hard. It will look a lot different when not erect, usually smaller with the end of the penis covered over by the foreskin. Like the vagina, the penises can become very dry so when it is aroused it will start a natural lubrication (become wet) as does the vagina.

When the penis is fully erect it is inserted into the vagina and repeatedly moved in and out until the male/ female (or both) climax and ejaculate (cum). At this point the penis shoots out a creamy liquid (semen), which contains sperm. If the penis does not have a condom on it, the sperm can enter the vagina and the girl can get pregnant. So to not get pregnant always use protection – condoms prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and you get a leaflet on how to put them on when you buy a packet. You can go on “The Pill” to not get pregnant, but this does not prevent STIs, so best to always use a condom for any type of sex. It is also a good idea to use lube over the condom, this helps to lubricate both the penis and vagina and makes it easier and more pleasurable when people are having sex (make sure it is water-based though, as other types can disintegrate the condom).

Sex and relationships 20 Pregnancy and Contraception

First of all I suppose you’re wondering what this article is doing in a predominantly lesbian magazine. Well, before you move on to the next page I would like to dispel a few myths; mainly that lesbians don’t have sex with men! There have been studies (mostly in America) that have shown that the majority (approximately 80%) of lesbian and bisexual women have had sex with men. And also approximately 1 in 3 has been pregnant. In youth surveys done in America it was found that lesbian and bisexual young women were twice as likely, to become pregnant, as heterosexual young women! (There have been fewer studies done in England on this topic but surveys that have been done show very similar results to those in America.)

So the next question is why is there such prevalence of heterosexual sex amongst lesbians and bisexual women? Here are a few suggested reasons:

1. Many women have relationships with men before they identify as lesbian. Lesbian women are less likely to be aware of their then gay men due to a lack of visibility of lesbians and a lack of self awareness. 2. Many have sex with men as a result of peer pressure / a desire to fit in. 3. To prove that they are not gay (during the identity confusion stage of development), many lesbians try having sex with men in order to ‘cure’ themselves, sometimes even becoming purposely pregnant as proof of . 4. Lesbians, more than gay men, identify as bisexual as part of the

21 Sex and relationships development stages in their identity. 5. Some have sex with men as an experiment “just to see what it’s like”. 6. Some have sex in order to have a child.

There are also much darker reasons for a lesbian or bisexual woman to become pregnant:

7. Forced sexual contact as ; and are more prevalent among lesbian and bisexual young women than heterosexual young women. 8. Involvement in as a result of being made homeless due to family rejection on the grounds of their sexual orientation.

We have seen therefore that pregnancy is as much a concern for lesbian and bisexual women as it is for heterosexual women. If you are worried about any issue you can always go to your GP for advice. But on the next page there are a few questions that you may have about pregnancy and contraception answered:

Contraception How do I avoid unwanted pregnancy? There are many different methods of contraception. You should find out about them and see which one is best for you. Here are the most common ones and their effectiveness levels:

The Pill (almost 100%) The Mini-pill (about 98%) Male condom (90-98%) Vasectomy (Male sterilisation) (almost 100%) Female sterilisation (almost 100%)

Also: The coil – see below (intra-uterine device) (97-98%), Contraceptive injection (injection of hormones that keeps you from getting pregnant) (almost 100%), Mirena (intra-uterine system) – similar to The coil (98-99%), The cap or diaphragm (90-96%), Female condom (90-98%) and the Implant

Sex and relationships 22 I have had unprotected sex what should I do? If you have had unprotected sex (sex without contraception or when contraception fails) and you do not wish to get pregnant you have the option to use emergency contraceptives. The two most common of which are the emergency (or ‘morning after’) pill or the Copper IUD. You can get these free from any general practice that provides contraceptive services, any contraception or sexual health clinics and any young person’s clinic. You can get the emergency pill free from most NHS walk-in centres, some pharmacies, most NHS minor injuries units and some hospital accident & emergency departments. You can also buy the emergency pill from most pharmacies if you are 16 years old or over and some privately run clinics, such as as Marie Stopes. If you are worried about Sexually Transmitted Infections see our section on STIs.

What are emergency pills and IUDs and how effective are they? The emergency contraceptive pill is designed to stop or delay an egg being released. There are no serious short- or long-term effects from using the emergency pill. It should be taken within three days (72 hours) of having unprotected sex. Effectiveness: 95% if taken within 24 hours, up to 85% if taken between 25-48 hours and up to 58% if taken between 49-72 hours.

An IUD (The Coil) is a small plastic and copper device that is put into your womb by a specially trained doctor or a nurse. It may stop an egg being fertilised or implanting in your womb. It can be fitted up to five days after unprotected sex at any time in the menstrual cycle provided this is the only unprotected sex that has occurred since your last period. The IUD will prevent up to 99% of .

Pregnancy

I think I am pregnant, what should I do? First take a pregnancy test. Home pregnancy tests can be on the first day of your missed period and some can be used sooner than this. You can buy home pregnancy tests online, in the supermarket or at your local chemist.

23 Sex and relationships Some GPs, clinics and young people’s services offer free tests, as do some pharmacies, the British Pregnancy Advisory Service and Marie Stopes International Clinics.

I am pregnant, what are my options? If you have an unwanted / unplanned pregnancy then you now face a very hard decision. You should go to your doctor or a family planning clinic and get as much advice as you can from them and from friends and family. There are no right answers here. There are 3 options available to you: abortion, adoption or keeping the child, none of which are to be undertaken lightly.

Abortion - If you decide to have an abortion; how you react to it will depend on the circumstances of your abortion, the reasons for having it and on how comfortable you feel about your decision. You may feel relieved or sad, or a mixture of both. (Information from the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists)

l In Great Britain, the law allows a woman to obtain an abortion up to 24 weeks of pregnancy if two doctors agree that it would cause less damage to her physical or mental health than continuing the pregnancy. There are more restrictions in Northern Ireland.

l If you think you want an abortion you should see your GP, practice nurse or family planning clinic. They can refer you to an NHS or an independent abortion service as you wish. If you prefer, you can contact an independent service directly.

l You have a right to confidentiality if you are seeking an abortion. Your GP, parents or partner do not have to be informed, even if you are under 16.

l You should ideally be offered a choice of different methods, depending on how long you have been pregnant. The options are: Abortion Pill (any time up to 24 weeks), Suction Termination (usually from 7 to 12 or 15 weeks), Surgical dilation and evacuation (D&E) (from about 15 weeks of pregnancy).

Sex and relationships 24 Adoption - If you decide on adoption, you should not feel that you are abandoning your baby. Although it is a difficult decision to make, it is often a responsible and caring one. (Information from the British Association for Adoption and Fostering)

If you are considering adoption you can go to these people for advice: your doctor, the social worker at the hospital, voluntary adoption agencies, the social service or social work department of your local council, your local BAAF office. If you decide that adoption is right for your baby, the social worker at the adoption agency will spend some time with you to help you with your decision. However, although preparations for the adoption can begin before your child is born, nothing will be definitely arranged until after the birth. You will be completely free to change your mind.

Keeping The Child - Parenthood is a huge responsibility. It is a life- changing decision that you must be completely ready for. If you decide to keep your baby you must do everything you can to make sure he/she will receive the proper level of care.

To many people pregnancy can be wonderful but not everyone feels like that. It may be because they feel they are not ready to have a child or it happened by accident. To prevent pregnancy people use contraceptive methods such as ‘The Pill’ and use condoms during intercourse. If the condom splits you can take the morning after pill available from doctors and chemists.

You can get pregnant at any point in the month, but pregnancy is more likely to occur if you are ovulating. This is usually 2 weeks before/after your period. You CAN get pregnant from the first time you have sex – so always use protection. The earliest sign of pregnancy is usually missing your period. If you miss a period and think you might be pregnant, take a home pregnancy test, see your doctor or go to a sexual health clinic, (like Brook). Other possible pregnancy signs may be morning sickness (nausea), fatigue, frequently needing to wee, and tender/enlarged breasts. If you want support, speak to a friend, relative or doctor; but don’t let anyone pressure you into keeping the baby or having an abortion, because this is YOUR choice to make and no-one else’s.

25 Sex and relationships Just like lesbian sex, there are lots of types of sex between men and women, including oral sex, mutual masturbation and anal sex, as well as a variety of positions to have sex in.

A Guide to Abortion

Abortion is when a pregnancy is ended or terminated, it happens when a fertilised egg or embryo is removed from the womb, either by taking pills to expel the pregnancy, or by surgery. In the UK, around 1 in 5 of pregnancies will be terminated -180,000 a year and about 90% of abortions take place in the first 12 weeks.

Many people will find it difficult to talk about it with friends and family as it can arouse strong feelings due to many people have strong views on it. Some say it’s a woman’s right to choose, others that the unborn child has a right to be born. Attitudes differ greatly around the world.

Abortion is legal in the UK up to the 24th week of pregnancy, but is difficult after 12 weeks so it is safer and easier to perform it in the first 12 weeks. Two doctors need to agree that it is necessary for the woman’s mental and physical health and they must be performed in an NHS hospital or approved clinic. A legal abortion after the 24th week of pregnancy is extremely rare and can only take place if the mother’s life is in danger or there’s something seriously wrong with the baby. Abortions provided by the NHS are free, but it differs from area to area across the UK how many are carried out by the NHS. Note it is only allowed in Northern Ireland in very limited circumstances. Legal abortion is very safe; there is very little risk, particularly in early pregnancy. The only kind of abortion that is dangerous is an illegal one. If there are no problems, an abortion will not affect a woman’s chance of becoming pregnant in the future.

Many pregnancies happen without planning and when a woman finds out, she may decide to keep the baby, have it adopted or have an abortion. Some women know immediately what they want to do, for others it is a difficult decision but clear information, advice and support can help with this. Reasons women consider abortions can include: feeling too young, not ready for the life change, not in a relationship, want a baby but in the

Sex and relationships 26 future, can’t afford children. It could also be that her partner wants the abortion, or that either she or the foetus has health problems or she was a victim of rape or incest.

This time can be difficult for men too, some will want to share the decision, others won’t want to be involved. However it is up to the woman to decide whether or not to involve the man in her choice. He has no legal right to be informed or involved in the decision.

Signs of pregnancy – 1 to 2 weeks after conception. They vary but may include: missing a period, a shorter lighter period than usual, a swelling/ tenderness of the breasts, frequent urination, feeling tired, nausea/ vomiting (morning sickness), feeling bloated/cramps, appetite or mood changes. If a woman thinks she is pregnant, she will need to get a pregnancy test ASAP. Free tests can be obtained at young people’s clinics, NHS walk-in centres (England), some GP’s, family planning clinic, GUM clinics. Many pharmacies offer testing and sell home pregnancy tests costing up to £10. A woman should still see a doctor after using a home kit. Some women may try to ignore the pregnancy in the hope that it’ll go away, but it won’t.

Seeking advice/making a decision – Once pregnancy is confirmed its best to discuss the choices ASAP and talk to someone who will be sympathetic. This could include your GP, doctor, nurse. Talking to people you trust will help but ultimately it is the pregnant woman who has to decide. Once a decision is made to have an abortion, she will need to either see a GP, doctor or one of the organisations listed. A doctor/nurse will work out how many weeks pregnant she is, talk through the decision, decide if she is eligible, explain what is involved and look at any risks and her general health. A girl under 16 can give consent to an abortion without telling parents if it is believed she understands what is involved. Once an abortion is agreed with the doctor, they will get a 2nd doctor to confirm this. If a doctor objects to an abortion on religious or moral grounds they must refer to another doctor who is not opposed.

27 Sex and relationships Types of abortion Early Abortions (90% of all) Early Medical – aka the abortion pill, taken up to 9 weeks. It involves 2 visits, a pill is taken and the pregnancy passes out like a period. Early Surgical – aka vacuum aspiration, used up to 14 weeks. It involves 1 visit; a syringe/pump removes the content of the womb by suction.

Later Abortions Medical Induction – over 9 weeks. It involves a day or overnight visit. Is similar to the early medical method but takes longer. Dilation and Evacuation – over 14 weeks. It involves a day or overnight visit. Narrow forceps remove the contents of the womb. Suction may be used.

Abortions after 21 weeks – whichever used, drugs are used to ensure the foetus is not alive when the abortion is done.

After a medical or early abortion a woman can usually return to work/ school/college the next day. She should always follow the doctor’s advice. It takes time to adjust emotionally and physically. Recovery will take longer after later abortions. Most women who choose an abortion do not regret it, in fact most will feel relief. Sometimes a woman may feel regret, guilt or sadness and these emotions may come and go and could be heightened by the sudden hormonal changes after an abortion. If these feelings linger after the event, a woman may choose to see a counsellor or seek advice from one of the organisations listed.

Organisations to contact for Info and Advice

FPA www.fpa.org.uk Brook 0800 0185023 GP – contact local GP or another doctor GUM Clinic – A Sexual Health Clinic –look in phone book under GUM British Pregnancy Advisory Service www.bpas.org Marie Stopes International www.mariestopes.org.uk Education for Choice www.efc.org.uk

Sex and relationships 28 SMEAR TESTS: WHO NEEDS ‘EM? WE DO!

The myth: Lesbian women do not need regular smear tests to check for the presence of cervical cancer because they don’t have penetrative sex with men. Busted: Cancer doesn’t care who you sleep with. All women, no matter what your sexual orientation, need to have regular smear tests. Lesbians are at just as much risk of having cervical cancer as any other women. Recent data from the Audre Lorde and Bernhard Sexual Health Clinics showed that 10% of lesbians screened had smear abnormalities.

What is cervical cancer and where does it come from? It is the cancer of the cervix which is at the entrance of the womb. 99% of cases are caused by the human papillomavirus (HPV), something which also causes genital warts. The NHS website states that HPV can be spread “through intimate sexual contact with another person, making everyone at risk. For more information go to: http://www.immunisation. nhs.uk/Vaccines/HPV/HPV_and_cervical_cancer

So what is a smear test?

This is a screening which detects abnormal cells on the cervix, hopefully before they become cancerous and so enabling the problem to be treated quickly and effectively. Here is a list of places that can offer smear tests: l The practice nurse at your doctor’s surgery l Sexual Health Clinics, also called Genito-Urinary Medicine (GUM) Clinics l Family Planning Clinic l Well Women’s Centre

For women aged 20 to 60, smear tests are free on the NHS. You are recommended to have one test every three years. This should pick up any abnormalities before they become too serious.

29 Sex and relationships Checking For Breast Cancer

Boobs, tits, babies or cherubs – BREASTS are what it’s all about. Breast cancer affects 1 in 12 women at some stage in their lives, so it’s very important to check ourselves for lumps and bumps on a regular basis throughout our lives.

One way of doing this is to check yourself at least on a monthly basis, so that you get to know what is normal for you as breasts do change during your period. Now – what are you looking for? l Any pain or discomfort around the breast area. l Any discharge or bleeding from the . l Any change in the position or shape of either nipple. l Any unusual lumps, or thickening of tissue. l Any change in the shape or size of either breast.

Next time you’re in the bath or shower, check yourself. Lather yourself up, raise your left arm in the air and with your right hand, fingers flat, touch every part of the breast feeling for any lumps or areas of thickening. Repeat for the right side.

If you do find a change, seek advice from your GP or local Well Women Clinic. It’s easy to panic, so confide in a friend or your partner; they could go with you.

Remember, most changes are nothing to worry about, but an examination by a professional will reassure you. A more detailed exam may be scheduled for you at a Breast Clinic. Many changes are due to our hormones, and you could be asked to keep an eye on the lump and return in a month.

9 out of 10 lumps are benign (harmless), and have nothing to do with cancer. Many can be cleared up with simple treatments.

For further information, try NHS Direct, or Breast Cancer Care 0800 800 6000, or on the web with www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk or www.breastcancercare. org.uk

Sex and relationships 30 Oral Sex

Oral sex is a woman (or man) licking a woman‘s vagina (licking out/ going down) or a woman (or man) sucking a man‘s penis (which is commonly known as a “blowjob” even though there isn’t any blowing involved!) Some Sexually Transmitted Infections can be passed on through oral sex so always use a condom. You can get flavoured condoms and lubricants to make things a bit more fun, but some contain spermicidal which can irritate people with sensitive skin.

For oral sex with women, you can use a to place over the vagina and you can then give oral pleasure with the latex between the tongue and the vagina. Or, use a condom for the same purpose – cut along one side so that you are left with a square shape. Do the same with the customised condom as you would with the dental dam and you can have safer fun.

Masturbation

Mutual Masturbation or “hand jobs” are basically just masturbating someone else. For the man – the woman (or man) would put her hand around the penis and move it up and down. For a woman – the woman (or man) would insert fingers repeatedly into the vagina and/or stimulate the clitoris with her hand/s.

Solo Masturbation It isn’t often people talk about masturbation (sometimes known as wanking) as it is sometimes seen as something to be ashamed of, but put your mind at ease by knowing that it is perfectly natural and nothing to feel bad about. It isn’t just men who masturbate, women do to and it is usually by rubbing and stroking your genitals or using sex toys for sexual pleasure usually to the point of climax.

31 Sex and relationships There is no right or wrong way to masturbate and it is usually the first sexual experience people have, especially starting during puberty as it is a time when people start thinking about sex. It doesn’t matter how often you masturbate and if you’re not interested in masturbating that’s ok too.

...And believe it or not there are health benefits to masturbation, other than releasing tension and releasing a hormone called epinephrine which gives you a state of euphoria, it is thought that it can help relieve depression and lower blood pressure.

Masturbation can be useful in a relationship where one partner wants more sex than the other, so can be used as a tool to meet that want. It is also worth knowing that masturbation causes no actually harm to your health what so ever; it actually helps you to explore and get to know your own body more and what you find enjoyable.

Anal

Anal sex is when one person penetrates the other person’s anal passage with their penis/fingers or a . Many heterosexual couples have anal sex and like ‘lesbian’ sex it is not restricted to sexuality – anyone can do it. It can hurt a lot more than vaginal sex, so lots of lubricant and foreplay is a must! (foreplay= touching and playing with people before you get down to penetrative sex) Take your time, don’t rush and definitely use a condom or latex gloves for this, as STIs can be passed on this way also.

So finally…

Before sex, ask yourself: am I ready to? Do I want to? Have I got protection and will I use it? It should be enjoyable, so never rush to have sex just take it slowly and experiment.

Sex and relationships 32 Online Dating

Online dating is often seen as a taboo or something to be laughed about but it can prove as a really useful method of finding like-minded people as friends or more, especially for those who feel particularly isolated. Even for LGBT people as it isn’t always easy to find partners away from the scene, if that’s not your thing. in mind that there are safety issues that you should look out for especially as a lot of sites may be very sex orientated. Here are some handy tips to help keep you safe:- l Don’t give out personal information, until you know the person better. Keep to your first name and if you want to talk on the phone, don’t give a landline number. You could even use SKYPE, this allows you to talk over the computer without needing to give out telephone numbers. You could also use free email addresses such as hotmail or yahoo, but make sure you only but your first name in the email address or address bar. l Be vigilant, even if you having been talking a long time the person on the other side may not always be telling the truth – trust your gut instinct – if you think someone is avoiding certain questions or often leaves the conversation really quickly, these may be signs that they are hiding things from you (e.g. a partner). l If the person you’re talking to, confesses their undying love to you after the first or a few online conversations then be very wary, although you can get a sense of what like the person you’re talking to, can you really love someone without meeting them? l If you chose to meet then ask for a recent photo, this will give you an idea who to look out for and if when you meet them they look rather different then it is obvious they may not have been fully truthful along the way, feel free to cut your meeting short. l When you meet, always do so in a public area, maybe in a coffee shop where there is help around if needed, you could even suggest

33 Sex and relationships bringing friends along to make you both safer. ALWAYS tell a friend/ family member where you are going, what time and some information about that person, you could even arrange for them to ring you 30 minutes into the meeting and have a code word that means something’s wrong.

l Long distance relationships are hard so try and meet with people more local to you but your address keep it vague, use the city you live in instead of the area.

Remember, whoever you talk to online may not be who they say they are, so be careful.

Friends, or lovers?

The best thing about people is that we can change. Of course, this also means that our relationships are always changing too. When a friendship starts to become something more, it can be difficult to know what to do about those feelings and how to communicate them. The same is true of a relationship which has stopped being romantic and has started to become a friendship. Although there isn’t much guaranteed advice that you can rely on, there are a few things to remember that might help while your life is busy being confusing.

If you’re having strong feelings for a friend:

l Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. You have a right to your emotions, and there’s no need to feel guilty about your thoughts. Remember, it’s not what you think, it’s what you do! Attraction isn’t a bad thing,

Sex and relationships 34 and it’s fine and natural to have feelings for friends. After all, if they weren’t good people, you probably wouldn’t like them in the first place. l Friendships aren’t any less important than relationships. Nowadays, especially with the amount of records, films, TV programmes and magazines all using the lure and promise of in order to make money, it can be hard not to feel under pressure to be in a relationship. If anything, though, friendships often last longer and can be a source of love and support long after a lover has been and gone.

l A lot of the time relationships do begin as friendships. If this does happen, it can be very rewarding, as you’ll already know your partner and have a good start to exploring your feelings for each other. l It’s normal and understandable to find yourself feeling emotionally passionate and physically comfortable with a close friend, and this doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to take the relationship further either physically or romantically.

If you’re finding your feelings are changing to friendship: l Love doesn’t necessarily happen very often, and it’s okay to not be in love with a romantic partner. If you’re honest with your partner, you might find that they feel the same way too. So long as you’re happy, it might not matter that you’re not in love. l As people change, and you yourself change, so can your feelings. It’s as easy to fall out of love as it is to fall in love, and this might

35 Sex and relationships happen many times within one lifetime.

l Relationships often come and go. It’s perfectly normal for a relationship to end, to become more like a friendship, and then even much later on to become a romantic relationship again.

l Within a relationship that has been romantic, or is sometimes romantic, you don’t have to prove to someone that you love them by being their partner or sleeping with them. You’re entitled to your own feelings, and deserve not to be rushed into making a commitment to someone physically or emotionally before you’re ready to.

Because many of us have grown up thinking of marriage as ‘the way’ relationships are done, it can be difficult not to feel pressured into living our lives that way, even as LGB women. Although women now have access to Civil Partnerships and bisexual women may want to marry a man, they don’t have to be the aim of a relationship. Feminism can give you the power to live your life the way that’s best for you.

Abusive Relationships

When most people hear the word ‘abusive’ it usually conjures up images of domestic violence, child molestation or rape. What most people don’t realise is that these are examples of extreme abuse, and that many forms of abuse happen a lot more frequently than you might think.

Blast the Myth, 1: Women do not abuse other women in same sex relationships Blast the Myth 2: It is the fault of the victim that the abuse is happening to them

Sex and relationships 36 Fact: Most abuse is about power and control: the abuser wants control over their partner. This can happen in all types of relationships, including lesbian ones. It is the fault of the person who is committing the abuse and not the fault of the person being abused.

People who abuse others may use one or more of the following tactics:-

MENTAL ABUSE Probably the most common form, this usually consists of frequently using words used to put someone down such as ‘you’re stupid!’, ‘you’re ugly’, ‘no-one else would want you’, or making people the butt of jokes.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE It is difficult to separate emotional from mental, but this type is usually when someone plays on another person’s emotions. This might be saying things like, ‘If you leave me I will kill myself’. Other ways in which someone can be emotionally abusive include constant moodiness to get own way and uncontrollable anger outbursts aimed at the partner.

PHYSICAL ABUSE Probably the most easily defined form of abuse. This can involve any of the following: pushing, grabbing, slapping, forcibly restraining, hitting, biting, or burning.

SEXUAL ABUSE This is touching someone in a sexual way or having sex with them without their consent. It is more common for women to abuse men, but it also true that some women can and do abuse other women in relationships

Relating it back…

Do you wonder if the friendships or dating relationships you have are “normal”? Read over the above four types of abuse again and see if any of them are things that happen in your relationship with anyone you know or are dating.

37 Sex and relationships You may be lucky and never encounter any form of abuse, but a lot of people do. Some estimates say that 1 in 4 women will suffer abuse at some point in their lives.

If you are in an abusive relationship, remember help is available: l Telling someone is well important, a counsellor, doctor, nurse, teacher, or your parents. l Keep telling people until you find someone who believes you; keep telling yourself things can get better. l Make a list of family and friends who could help in an emergency. Always carry their phone numbers with you and spare money. l Join a support group. You will find information, comfort and support from others who understand what you’ve been going through. l Find out your legal rights. Violence is against the law. No one deserves to be hurt or abused. No one has a right to hurt you

And remember that no abuse is acceptable. Respect yourself, confide in someone you trust and DON’T STAND FOR IT!

Sex and relationships 38 Civil Partnerships The Civil Partnership Act 2004, allowed same sex couples from December 2005 onwards the right to register as civil partners to each other... essentially this is the same as marriage as it allows a civil partnership couple the same legal rights as a heterosexual couples.

Civil Partners have the equal rights to married couples in: l Tax, including inheritance tax l Employment benefits l Most state and occupational pension benefits l Income related benefits, tax credits and child support l Duty to provide reasonable maintenance for your civil partner and any children in the family l Ability to apply for parental responsibility for your civil partner’s child l Inheritance of a tenancy agreement l Recognition under intestacy rules (when a person dies without a valid will you will stand to inherit) l Access to fatal accidents compensation l Protection from domestic abuse/violence l Recognition for immigration and nationality purposes

There are only 2 differences between a civil partnership and a marriage: l A civil partnership is registered when the second civil partner signs the document (in the presence of 2 witnesses) whereas a marriage is registered when the couple exchange spoken words. l Opposite sex couples have access to a religious ceremony whereas a civil partnership can only be a civil procedure (although it can be carried out at a church).

You can have your civil partnership at a number of approved venues such as hotels, beaches, Town Halls and even religious buildings (but only if an LGBT friendly religious leader is present).

For more information look at these sites: www.gro.gov.uk/gro/content/civilpartnerships/

39 Sex and relationships www.civilpartnerships.org.uk/ www.stonewall.org.uk/information_bank/partnership/civil_partnership_ act/default.asp

Marriages

Opposite sex couples can get married in either a religious ceremony or a civil ceremony. A marriage will provide a couple with the same rights as are now available for civil partners as mentioned above. can take place at a number of locations: Town Halls, Anglican churches (or any other religious building approved to register a marriage), beaches and hotels.

Did you know? l If you were to get a “gay marriage” in another country... it would be classed as a civil partnership in the UK. l If one member of a married couple was to have realignment surgery and be classed as their gender as opposed to their sex... the couple would have to change their marriage to a civil partnership... and vice versa for those originally in a civil partnership. l Only 6 countries recognise a same-sex marriage: Belgium, Canada, South Africa, Netherlands, Spain and Norway (as of 01/01/09). Only 3 American states have “gay marriage”: California, Connecticut and Massachusetts. l Only 4 countries recognise those “gay marriages” as marriages in their country: Aruba (Dutch only), Israel, France, Netherlands Antilles (Dutch only). It can also be recognised in New York, but, New York can’t carry out “gay marriages”. l 18 countries allow civil unions/partnerships: Andorra, Iceland, Belgium, Luxembourg, Czech Republic, Netherlands, Denmark, New Zealand, Ecuador, Slovenia, Finland, Sweden, France, Switzerland, Germany, UK, Hungary (as of 01/01/09) and Uruguay. l Civil partnerships are only recognised in the following places: Argentina (but only in certain areas), Australia (but only in certain places), Brazil (certain places), Canada (certain places), Mexico (certain places), US (certain places). l http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:World_homosexuality_laws.svg

Sex and relationships 40 LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans) Contacts:

LIKT - Contact US for more info, to get involved with our group and to volunteer to help us out… LIKT- the young lesbian and bisexual women’s health project – [email protected] www.likt.org.uk 0781 398 1338

Info for the LGBT Network is available from LIK:T

LGYM - Lesbian and Gay Youth Manchester (youth group for 14-25s), 49-51 Sidney Street, Manchester. [email protected], www.lygm.org.uk Answer-phone 0161 273 7838

Peer Support Project – support and advice for young LGBTs [email protected] 0800 169 7384

LCP - Lesbian Community Project, (includes rainbow families, disabled lesbians group) www.manchesterlcp.org.uk [email protected]

FRANK Drugs and alcohol info – www.talktofrank.com, [email protected] , 0800 77 66 00

Sexwise: information on sex and relationships - www.ruthinking.co.uk , 0800 28 29 30

Brook Advisory Service - general info on sex plus counselling service and pregnancy advice, 0161 237 3001/ 0800 0185 023 www.brook.org.uk [email protected]

GU service (sexually transmitted infection testing) in Manchester 0161 611 4939

Albert Kennedy Trust – for housing help and advice [email protected] , www.akt.org.uk

41 Sex and relationships St Mary’s / Rape Referral Centre - Hathersage Road, Manchester, M13 0JH, 0161 276 6515 [email protected] www.stmaryscentre.org

Naz Project - sexual health info for Black, Asian and minority ethnic communities. Palingswick House, 241 King Street, London W6 9LP 020 8741 1879, [email protected] www.naz.org.uk

Manchester Women’s Domestic Violence Helpline 0161 839 8574 www.wdvh.org.uk/wss.htm

Kathe Locke Centre - general health and sexual health information and services. 0161 455 0211

Terrence Higgins Trust sex health info www.tht.org.uk

Nua - for women stocking safe sex materials and sex toys.

Sex and relationships 42