Dealing with Life’S Issues a Buddhist Perspective
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Dealing with Life’s Issues A Buddhist Perspective B Ven. Thubten Chodron Published for Free Distribution Only Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery Dharma Propagation Division Awaken Publishing and Design 88 Bright Hill Road Singapore 574117 Tel: (65) 6849 5342 E-mail: [email protected] Website: www.kmspks.org 1st Edition, January 2008 2nd reprint of 5,000 copies, April 2008 ISBN-13: 978-981-05-9395-7 EISSUES-0102-0408 © Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery Cover design: BigstockPhoto.com@rgbspace Although reprinting of our books for free distribution is encouraged as long as the publication is reprinted in its entirety with no modifications, including this statement of the conditions, and credit is given to the author and the publisher, we require permission to be obtained in writing, to ensure that the latest edition is used. Printed by Zheng Yong Binding (S) Pte Ltd Tel: (65) 6275 6228 Fax: (65) 6275 6338 Please pass this book around should you feel that you do not need it anymore. As the Buddha taught, the gift of Truth excels all other gifts! May all have the chance to know the Dharma. It is very, very rare for one to have a precious human life and still be able to encounter the Buddha-Dharma, therefore please handle this book with utmost respect and care. Printed in Singapore on 100% recycled paper. Cover is printed using paper manufactured from 55% recycled fibre and 45% pulp from responsibly managed forests. Contents Preface M v m Romantic Love & Marriage M 1 m Dharma & the Family M 14 m Dharma Guidance on World Events M 30 m Dharma & Terminal Illness M 67 m Dharma & Suicide M 103 m Dharma & the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselves M 127 m Dear Reader, If you wish to share the production costs of this and many other beautiful Dharma Books and CDs for free distribution, so that more people can be touched by the beauty of Dharma and be inspired to live a happy and meaningful life, please photocopy the sponsorship form at the back of this book, fill in your particulars and return it to us. “The gift of Dharma excels all gifts” Dealing With Life’s Issues v PREFACE Are you bogged down by life’s many challenges? Or confused about how families can use the Dharma to discipline and help children? Ever wondered what Buddhism says about romantic love, marriage, divorce, homosexuality, premarital sex and abortion? In this book, Ven. Thubten Chodron tackles these and other issues, giving clear and succinct answers to the many challenges, difficulties and problems we face in life, from terrorist attacks, natural disasters, global warming to dealing with the loss of loved ones from terminal illnesses and suicide. In the last chapter, which is a teaching transcribed from a talk she gave at a Correctional Centre in USA, she tells us in direct terms how through mind vi transformation and evaluating our motivations, we can develop our incredible human potential to the fullest and eventually be free from craving, dissatisfactions, hostility, fear and distrust. Like the Buddha, we have the potential to develop an open heart with equal love and compassion for every living being. This is an enlightening book with most, if not all, the answers you seek. May all sentient beings be well, happy and at peace. May all progress well on the path of the Dharma and quickly become fully enlightened Buddhas for the benefit of all sentient beings! Yours in the Dharma, Sister Esther Thien Executive Editor Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery Awaken Publishing & Design Dharma Propagation Division ~ Mindfulness is the Method, Compassion is the Expression, and Wisdom is the Essence ~ Dealing With Life’s Issues 1 ROMANTIC Love & MARRIAGE What does Buddhism say about romantic love and marriage? In the Sigalovada Sutra, the Buddha talked about ways the two members of a marriage should relate to each other. Basically, human respect, genuine care, patience and open communication are important elements for a long-term relationship. More than romantic love is needed to have a healthy romantic relationship. You need to love the other person as a human being and as a friend. The sexual attraction that feeds romantic love is an insufficient basis on which to establish a long-term relationship. Deeper care and affection, as well as responsibility and trust must be cultivated. 2 Romantic Love & Marriage We do not fully understand ourselves and are a mystery to ourselves. Needless to say, other people are even more of a mystery to us. Therefore, do not presuppose, with a bored attitude that craves excitement, that you know everything about your partner because you have been together so long. If you have the awareness of the other person being a mystery, you will continue to pay attention and be interested in him or her. Such interest is one key to a long-lasting relationship. Trust is important and is built up by both people being caring and responsible in carrying out their commitments. With the change in gender-identified roles of men and women in our society, each couple needs to divide the duties of running a household and raising a family in a fair way, agreeable to both people. Each person then fulfils his or her responsibilities, thus increasing the trust between them. Trust is also built up by being truthful to the other person. Thus, it’s good to avoid doing things that we have to lie about. If we do make a mistake, let’s apologise. On the other hand, if our partner apologises to us, we can forgive him or her and try to let go of any hurt feelings or the wish for revenge. Forgiving someone does not mean we condone their action. Rather, we simply let go of our anger. Making the Dharma and spiritual practice the centre of one’s relationship makes a couple close in important ways. When both partners are intent on Dealing With Life’s Issues 3 cultivating good qualities in themselves and helping others to do the same, day-to-day activities go better too. See your partner as someone who has the Buddha nature. Then even when your partner is in a bad mood, you will see the person as being temporarily obscured but still having wonderful potential and goodness within him or her. Some people want to be in a couple relationship, others do not. Either choice is fine. It is not wise for parents to pressure their children to marry or to have a family. a How does Buddhism view lesbianism and homosexuality? What is considered unwise sexual behaviour? The Pali scriptures make no mention of homosexuality being unwise sexual conduct. For monastics, all sexual intercourse is a root downfall. It doesn’t specify the gender of one’s partner. Vasubandhu, a teacher who came several centuries after the Buddha, discouraged homosexuality. Personally speaking, I think what’s most important is the motivation behind how we use our sexuality. In other words, if people use their sexuality unkindly or unwisely, it doesn’t matter if it is directed to someone of their own sex or the opposite sex. There are several people in our Buddhist group in 4 Romantic Love & Marriage Seattle who are gay, and they told me that they knew they were gay when they were quite young. It isn’t a learned behaviour. That is just how their karma played out. I feel that criticising or discriminating against people who are gay is counter to the attitude of love and compassion that the Buddha would like all of his disciples to cultivate. The broader issue relates to the third precept, which concerns unwise sexual behaviour. I don’t think this precept is so much about the details of where, when, and with whom one can have sexual relations. It is more about one’s basic motivation and attitude, whether one is using sexuality wisely and kindly. If sexuality is used carelessly — for example, if people have unprotected sex when there is a danger of sexually transmitted diseases — that is unwise use of sexuality because such action could damage the other person or harm oneself. If people use their sexual partner for the benefit of their own ego, that is not wise use of sexuality because this could result in the other person feeling hurt or humiliated. Having sex with children is also clearly unwise because that is very damaging to the child. But if people are responsible adults, think carefully about what they do, and have an attitude of kindness towards their partner, they will use their sexuality wisely and kindly, be they straight or gay. The basic questions one should ask oneself are, “How do I relate to my sexuality?” “Am I always looking at other people’s bodies and judging them by Dealing With Life’s Issues their bodies?” “Do I really look into their hearts and accept them as human beings? Or am I constantly undressing them with my mind because I have a lot of sexual energy?” “Do I respect my sexual partner, and treat him/her wisely and kindly?” For instance, whether one is heterosexual or homosexual, having multiple affairs with multiple people is unwise since it harms oneself and one’s family. Very often, people think that as long as nobody else knows about it and the affair is kept secret and discreet, then it is okay. I can’t tell you the number of people who have told me that they knew their father was having an affair when they were children.