LOSE-UP Anne Diamond
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LOSE-UP Anne Diamond You heard of The Call Of The Society with cue-cards. The Wild? The Anne Diamond 'Famous Five', as Jay, story, like that of so many Michael Parkinson, Robert others doing well in the Kee, Anna Ford and Angela broadcasting companies of Rippon were called, were the the American-speaking last gasp in tv of what Nor- world, could be subtitled The man Tebbit likes to call, Call Of The Mild. snarling, 'the Holland Park The Mild Bunch are feted cocktail set' - la-di-da wets not for what they have but responsible for decimal what they have not; beauty, money and the Perm Soc, led wit, originality, talent. Real by Roy Jenkins, King Wet talent carries with it a spark himself. They were universi- of something dark, some- ty types; sometimes, like Kee thing hinting at danger and and Ford, highly intelligent destruction and derange- but always, like Parkinson ment. Jim Morrison and Bil- and Rippon, highly profes- lie Holliday were easy marks sional. for early death, but can you They weren't popular. What imagine Terry Wogan starv- might have been bearable at ing in a garret, or Jonathan twilight was seen as patro- Ross sunny side up at the nising and pompous in the bottom of his Filofax-shaped cold light of dawn. They suf- swimming pool? The Mild fered against the BBC's Bunch don't end up like that. Breakfast Time, which They're the strained baby- caught a good balance with food of communications, the the beauty and amateurism glucose drip of entertain- of Selina Scott and the home- ment. ly slickness of Frank Bough. The Mild Bunch is an inter- They didn't have anything so national brotherhood; grand as a mission to explain; Anne Diamond: Born to be mild Ronald Reagan is its resident they could barely keep their president, Clive James its eyes open. it; what she has are delusions ham to Camden and was wit, Jack Jones its crooner, When the plug was pulled on of adequacy. Seeing her, you sacked. Her boyfriend of Laurie Taylor its don, De- TV-am after months of dis- feel like a stone-age man nine years, Mike Holling- smond Morris its scientist, astrous ratings, and before finding a cocktail umbrella; sworth, giving up his job as Felicity Kendal its sex sym- the red wine was dry on what exactly is she for? This her former boss at TV-am bol, Muffin the Mule its pup- Jonathan Aitken's jacket, is no campaigning Rantzen, and joining her entourage as pet. And Anne Diamond is its TV-am had gone one better no highbrow Bakewell, business adviser (very post- princess. Qualifications for than the BBC. Josephine showy Scott or dream-girl feminist woman, that). It is joining this select bunch are Public wanted amateurism Fabian Ford. The best that hard to feel sorry for a few but rigidly-observed. and homeliness, they'd give can be said for Diamond is woman who earns more than You must be lower-middle to it to her. When the first that she is gamine for a £170,000 a year for saying middle class by origin; you American breakfast tv of the laugh: an eight-year old boy 'Gosh'. Her pregnancies, her must be talent-free or burnt early 50s did badly, the spon- in the body of a grown separation from Holling- out; you must be smug; but sors came up with a foolproof woman. Her career consists sworth, her unmarried con- above all you must have the way of attracting viewers; a of sitting on a sofa, opening dition; so meticulously has hots for yourself. You must chimpanzee called Alfred J her eyes wide and saying her shell been constructed be the kind of person who Muggs, who on roller skates 'Gosh'. that there's nothing there to looks in the mirror in such a would zoom across the studio Even if you approve of free- feel sorry for. way that if you did it too long, when Dean Rusk got too dull. market feminism, as I do - Anne Diamond is the lan- you would stand a very good TV-am didn't go this far, but socialism never did anything guid princess of a lazy na- chance of getting yourself they did the next best thing. for feminism but make a tion, used to being British pregnant. They got Wincey the weather shambling bag-lady of it, and doing nothing. Her The Mild Bunch may be girl, Russell the camp weighing it down with use- American equivalent, Jane found in many places, but astrologer, Claire the agony less ideology and promising Pawley, is not only imposs- always on air. Start The aunt and a cast of faceless you jam tomorrow so long as ibly beautiful (and impecc- Week, Stop The Week, Start men to support their new you stood by your man and ably liberal, married to Gary The Life Support Machine, princess of suburbia, Anne didn't get pushy like that Trudeau), but can tie grown Quote Unquote, The News Diamond, a provincial tv re- bitch Thatcher - Anne Di- men with addresses on Penn- Quiz, Trivia Test Match. But porter chosen for exactly amond is a hard case to sylvania Avenue in knots be- especially, especially, on that reason. A new Mild argue. fore breakfast. Why can't we early morning tv. Bunch was born. It is hard to feel sorry for have that? Instead we have It wasn't always that way. Born to be mild: Anne Di- her: her out-of-court settle- Anne Diamond; as insignifi- Remember the original TV- amond is about as mild as it ment reportedly to the tune cant, yet as irritating, as a am? Peter Jay's 'mission to gets. To say she has delu- of £350,000, with the agent piece of grit in the eye. • explain'? Sort of the Fabian sions of grandeur is to push who took her from Birming- Julie Burchill 48 MARXISM TODAY AUGUST 1988.