SEMESTER 1 WEEK 8 29 APRIL 2010

Our Guide to the UNION BOARD ELECTION

(and we sit up straight + Honi Meets June Dally-Watkins the whole damn time). We take the Personality Test The Fight Over Revisited Five Terrible, Terrible Films 2

This Week's: Artistic Phenomenon weCONTENTS weren’t aware of until this week: Horses OH GOD, HERE COME THE made of driftwood. , EDITION 7 Things we regret typing onto google images: Fun 29 APRIL 2010 Candidates, Hide Greatest pun in Honi history: See page 6 me in that vat of sewage. The Arts-Hole 10 Bridie Connellan on the bold new look of The Post NME 03 Hannah Lee on Peter Jackson’s unfullfilling Keep ‘em coming you Lord of The Rings sequel , The Lovely Bones delightfully opinionated Alex Lee returns to Honi to make words with bright young things. her mouth, or with a computer more likely . The Uni-Cycle Diana Tjoeng and Henry Hawthorne don Ben Jenkins explains how Hermes fought back. . 04 their evening-wear and attend the symphony. Some whispery tales that ‘she’, whomever such an Bridie Connellan keeps it short and sweet. audacious lass may be, is rumored to have ‘said’. The Mains Or some gossip shiznit. Honi Soit’s infallible guide to this year’s 12 The Usual Suspects 05 candidates. Tim Whelan on Sumo Wrestling. Rob Chiarella schools us on Teach for . Special Report 14 Joe Smith-Davies and Joe Trohman fight for the Anusha Rutnam, Henry Hawthorne Cup of Life and the boots behind it. Olé. and Diana Tjoeng investigate Scientology. THIS WEEK IS VOLCANO WEEK. Anusha Rutnam is taking the glee out of Gle(e)be. 06 And you know what? They were sceptical OFFICIALLY COOLER THAN SHARK WEEK Tim Whelan is on a highway to the Friend Zone. at first, but this DVD makes a lot of sense. Penguin Paperbacks get Elizabeth Mullhal puffin’ Wanna borrow it? (with anger). Paul Ellis has his 10% attendence covered. The Lodgers 15 Joe Smith-Davies tells you five films to stay the Nicole Buskiewicz is gonna have a party / THE HYPOTHETICAL: hell away from. in the Mediterranean Sea... Would you rather Monica Connors explains in great detail why Have free first class air-travelOR for a whole year she will not be reading your fashion blog. The Profile 08 Kirsten Wade on the shit-storm faced by the Watch a cup of Mario Kart for real? Carmen Culina and June Dally-Watkins sit NRL FAQ: up straight. Hang on, what do yo mean, ‘for real?’ SRC You will see a real Gorilla riding in a real go-kart, throwing 16 a real turtle shell at a real dinosaur. Which cup and platform? SUPRA 18 Any cup or platform of your choosing. Hint: If you choose Rainbow Road (N64, Gamecube or Wii) you also get to go Bletchley Park to space Riddle me that. 20 Will my air travel be impeded by, say, volcanic ash? No. It’s a super-plane. Unless the volcanic ash is coming The Garter 21 - 23 from the lava at Bowser’s Castle. Do I have to attend that stupid awards ceremony EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Ben Jenkins at the end? Yes, you have to watch the whole stupid thing. And if you EDITORS Bridie Connellan, Carmen Culina, Naomi Hart, Henry Hawthorne, David Mack, Joe Payten, choose Rainbow Road, you also have to watch the credits. Anusha Rutnam, Joe Smith-Davies, Diana Tjoeng But you’d still be in space. REPORTERS Nicole Buskiewicz, Rob Chiarella, Monica Connors Paul Ellis, Hannah Lee, Elizabeth Mulhall, Kirsten Wade, Tim Whelan COVER ILLUSRATION Diana Chirilas PUZZLES & CROSSWORD Mark Sutton

DISCLAIMER Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of , Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, , NSW, 2006. The SRC’s operation costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. The editors of Honi Soit and the SRC sitting on a bus and this wom- acknowledge the traditional owners of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. an is talking so loud on her phone. i mean, excuse me - no Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors of student publications: Mel Brooks, Tim Mooney, Alistair Stephenson and Andy Thomas. one cares about what you’re All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no thinking at any time of day, responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and you don’t need to broadcast insertions. your thoughts to the entire... oh wait. 2 hours ago via web The Post 3 message to offer than “We’re a bunch of Thanks for the guys who hang out on weekends”? Readers of Honi deserve better. compliment, but... CONTENTS I’m anti-army in the first place, but I can’t EDITORIAL HONI SOIT, EDITION 7 Dear Honi editors, help but feel that even I’ve been told by the other editors that you combine this with the fact that we the Army Reserve may resent this article. no-one reads these things. They may live in a community where indifference 29 APRIL 2010 well be right, so to put it to the test, and apathy are worn as a badge of I’m writing regarding the commentary By his own admission, in his I was going to write some incredibly honour, then the USU elections surely printed about me in week 7’s edition of capacity as a reservist, Tom Lee is an insulting remarks followed by the first should be laughed off camous. Honi Soit, in the ‘Threads’ column on indifferent wanker. Hardly the couple of pages of the script to Jurassic 10 Park to see if anyone complained. But however you feel about the page 11. sort of PR they’d be looking for. While that would be a terrific way of candidates or the entire process, the airing petty grievances and reminding fact remains that the next year will be While I always appreciate being held up The only person who seems to benefit myself of a terrific film, I decided one of the most challenging in recent to trust my instincts about student union history. as an example of sartorial excellence, from the publication of this engagement and go ahead with the I’m actually quite disappointed that an article is Tom Lee himself, who is known editorial. So take a look at our election spread, extensive dissection of my outfit was on campus as a shamefully and if you’re not convinced or We’re all about to be inundated with impressed by any of the candidates, the only commentary made about my vain self-promoter. His by-line is a waste of a torrent of pamphlets, lecture bashes then you can jam those earbuds right contribution to student engagement with ink if it only serves to and bright, ill fitting T-Shirts as the USU back in and grumble all the way to the University’s Green Paper. Not only keep his narcissism on the boil. election kicks into gear. I suppose we’ll election day. all brace ourselves for two weeks of was the forum my idea, but I’ve also walking briskly to class, eyes fixed on Once you’ve done that, we’ve got a 12 spent a great deal of time and effort in He can take his rickshaws and fuck off. the pavement and iPods jammed into terrific piece explaining the seedy working on SUPRA’s response to it, and our ears in an attempt to block out the underbelly of Sumo Wrestling, an embarrassing sights and sounds of an interview with June Dally-Watkins and meeting and discussing its contents with Tom Harris-Brassil undignified and hollow scramble for a guide to bluffing your way through the University’s senior administrators. Arts/Education IV popularity. a tutorial. We also sent three of our editors to the Scientology HQ to get Alternatively, we could all get our hand their personalities tested for a laugh. 14 Isn’t it sad that the most that Honi this off it and try to engage with what’s As it turned out, the experience was so year has to say about a female student Hippie going on around us. strange that we’ve dedicated a mini- activist who’s contributed to student life feature to it. When something which is for many years is a discussion of my Hypocracy simulatniously inherently absurd and Have yourselves a terrific week. appearance? It may be news to you (but Dear Socialist Alternative, rentlentlessly earnest comes along, there is a huge tempation to mock it. If certainly not to many others) but female Ben Jenkins students have much to offer (other than I smiled politely when you yelled in 15 an aesthetic contribution to campus my face, ordering me to “‘unfuck’ life) which we’ve been making for many the nation”. I stood behind you in Beatles numbers and rattling on his bass st paul’s, who seem fixated upon the years. the coffee cart queue without openly like he is still a teenager. supposed “chequebook” that has been retching from the smell you exuded. apparently funding our recent success. I have to agree with Courtney Tight’s I even occasionally think that your Those who criticize Bowie clearly don’t Coming from st pauls, this seems to letter from last week that commentary indiscriminate passion for every cause is understand him. His persona, image smack a little of hypocracy. Perhaps if on the Green Paper in Honi Soit has been positive, because it’s nice to have a bit of and music have been imitated by most they are still feeling upset they could lacking. student activism (we are at USyd after everyone, notably GaGa. But there go and ask their daddy to buy them all), however enough is enough. 16 will only ever be one, by the way; Scary another merc. Anyway, if paulines want The Green Paper includes many Monsters, Lets Dance, Sound and Vision and to abuse St Andrew’s college, they should proposals to change the structure of If I have to put up with your ‘hippie’ 18 Changes bowie. All brilliant. do in the time honoured manners and the University and some of its key hair, the smell that accompanies your times, that is, by screaming abuse on the degree offerings. For example, the never-washed-flannie and the screaming 20 Tom Okon sideline of a Rawson Cup fixture, or by 5-point ATAR ‘bonus’ for admission to in my face, the least I could ask for in Arts/English. waking the entire college with drunken students from disadvantaged schools and return is that you fulfil your ‘hippie’ duty tyrades early on Thursday morning. backgrounds might have a big impact and care for the environment. It is the The Garter 21 - 23 There is a time and a place, it is just not on the composition of the student body. height of hypocrisy to plaster posters all A Letter from in a university wide newspaper. The proposal to restructure the faculties over the campus every day, exceed your will likewise have an enormous effect on USU photocopying budget monthly a made up I am looking forward to again reading staffing, teaching and research. It will and print off tonnes of paper while person about the embarrasing exploits of the likely also mean that more professional purporting to be a socialist hippie. So entire college community in future education is delivered at postgraduate next time you feel like rallying against Dear Honi, editions. level, with its lack of a ban on domestic the Racist-Sexist-Homophobic-War- Kind Regards fee-paying places, as more faculties try Mongering-Rich-Bludgers-and “the Despite the fact that I live in college, and Johnny Newtown to balance their budgets. It’s absolutely like”, give the environment a fair go. therefore have zero engagement with crucial that students engage with these Anonymous the university as a whole, I am a long P.s. Well done to the St Andrew’s issues and understand them so as to be time fan of your publication. Naturally, swimmers winning both the Rawson and able to articulate a position to the Can you hear my favourite component of Honi Rosebowl. University about our needs and vision. over the years has been the “college” I’m not sure how restricting commentary me out there section, which has traditionally featured to the fashion column is going to achieve the efforts of many a fine collegian that. man? to explain with wit and jocularity I was rather angered by the ‘Bar Fight’ the actions of the collective college Love mail? Hate mail? Male on Male? P.S. I’ve actually been the proud owner section in which Laurence Rosier-Staines community to those on the outside, more SEND IT ALL TO of a pair of Doc Martens for some years expresses his disdain for David Bowie. commonly known as “muggles”. now (prior to their appearance in 90s The very appeal of David Bowie is that [email protected] revival fashion). Please don’t take their he isn’t the same from to album, Therefore, it is with significant concern Starting next week, the best missive we absence from my outfit at the forum as he doesn’t recycle the same old tired that I have read the most recent receive will be awarded a wonderful prize that will astound and amaze you. an indication of any disparagement of music; he experiments. publications in the college section. It that fine boot. seems that instead of serving its true Next Week’s prize: A personally embossed I would challenge you to find anything function of explaining the often strange, copy of Bullstrode Whitelocke’s On Lawmanship. Rashmi Kumar of real value the other artists you have and sometimes outright ridiculous Co-President, SUPRA mentioned (The Stones, Lou Reed and actions of the COLLECTIVE college Masters of Development Studies III Iggy, much as I love them) has done community, the column has been taken in those 20 years. All artists have their over by grumbling paulines who can Submit to us. A lot in reserve glory days and, as Springsteen said, they seem intent on pursuing a pogrom Think you’ve got what Honi, pass you by. The artists who began in against the fine members of St Andrew’s the 60’s are now in their 60’s and none College, and can do nothing but gripe it takes to write and whinge. something for Honi? Was Tom Lee’s article about the Army of them have been able to maintain the Well listen up buddy... Reserve wilfully pointless, or breakneck pace of constant masterwork. you probably do. was it an accident that after an entire page And don’t get me started on McCartney, The recent successes of St Andrew’s Send in any submissions to he had no conclusion or likewise an icon, likewise rehashing old have apparently outraged those at [email protected] The Uni-Cycle 4THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

Good God, they people from the labs whose cards didn’t correctly swipe (i.e. doing their jobs). are coming Let us know if you’ve had any similar By the time you read this, the USU troubles. election will be in full swing. Your pockets will be full of flyers, your lectures interrupted for 11 ‘small moments of Hermes may your time’ and your mind overloaded with murderous rage as you all but sprint yet deliver. (That down the gauntlet of Eastern Avenue. is amusing because Hermes was the messenger of the This campaign is a big one, with 11 Gods) candidates and very little fat amongst them, you are all going to feel the full Expect to hear more detail on this in the force of electioneering like you’ve never weeks to come, but in brief: felt before. After it came to light that the USU Sibella Mathews, Hiltin Xiaoting were considering axing Australia’s Guo and James Flynn had already longest running literary anthology, an covered the campus in chalk and paint entirely unsurprising torrent of outrage by Monday morning, presumably to followed. Those incensed included corner the coveted People Who Spend some of the usual suspects - previous How the Honi Editors think the Hermes meeting went down. Pictured: Hermes Their Public Holidays Wandering editors, the SRC, and generally artsy (Front), The Union Board (Behind, with the spear and boob out) Dead Poultry of Around Campus and Looking at the types; however among the crowd of the Common Sense and Reason (Bottom Left). And before you start complaining, no Ground demographic. regular dissidents were some unlikely we didn’t just put this here because we had an extra colour page. new supporters. This is going to be a big one. You have all been warned. Some very level headed post-grads got together and called a meeting with Union Board with their case. They Shit Talk “No Access” explained in very reasonable terms that to throw the 125 year-old journal Cards out after a few dud issues and lack of student interest was not necessarily We had an interesting visit before Easter the best way forward. Furthermore, from a concerned student who let us the group told those assembled that know that the Uni’s Card and Access they had contacted certified Australian Centre was causing some trouble. Living Treasure and poet Les Murray, who had expressed concern and offered Apparently the centre is claiming to to write a poem and a foreword were be understaffed and has thus been the publication continue. taking its sweet time in updating the list of students whose student cards give The board were receptive to this, them access to particular parts of the possibly on account of the brief public Uni (MECO students into the Media embarrassment the decision had caused, labs, Architecture students into the but chiefly (we hope) because it is a Architecture labs etc.). sensible idea.

This has led to some students not having It’s now looking as though the access to computers or other university publication will go ahead, with equipment they need to study. Cunning applications for editors opening up as students have been letting their fellow early as next week. students into the labs, but the Uni’s security team have been kicking out Ben Jenkins Because nothing says Dark Wizard like loo graffiti the

Peekaboo...I see you. You are sitting on one of those wooden benches outside Fisher library, and I’mstalker pacing back and forth, not three steps in front of you. Your copy of Discipline and Punish is what first captures my attention. Have you got to the bit about the Panopticon? That’s my favourite.

I puzzle over your choice of concealment in the Friday mid-afternoon sun. As someone who cares about you deeply, I suggest that you remove the green cardigan, roll up your jeans, and take off your black slip-on shoes. You’re hot enough already.

Do you notice my casual glances? Do you hear my heart pounding? Dup-dup, dup-dup, dup-dup. Do you see the wet patch on my pants? Now, now, now, don’t misunderstand - it’s spilt coffee. I’m just catching the breeze so my pants will dry quicker. But you’ve ruined any chance of that now, haven’t you?

THINK you were stalked this week? Send a photo of yourself to [email protected] and we’ll ask this creep if it was really you. Sumo Wrestlers and Education Section 5 The Sumo Pencils, books Curse & dirty looks Rob Chiarella is off to see the Tim Whelan is going to kick you in wonderful wizard of Teach for Oz. the Shintos. Found yourself in final year, stressing The best kind of pain is vicarious pain. about grad job applications? Fancy Society has known this since plebeians yourself more of a Jaime Escalante than watched and enjoyed Christians being a Mr Prezbo?* Well, now you can put acquainted with lions. The remnants the future of our children where your of fighting sports which survive today mouth is, without going through all the – pro wrestling, boxing, mixed martial unpaid pracs of a fulltime education arts – have been rent with accusations degree. An organisation known as Teach of corruption, match-fixing, rampant for Australia have set up a scheme drug abuse, organized crime connections whereby university graduates can and other terrible indictments Mickey complete a crash course in education noted that, in 2009, 45 associates were Rourke managed to fit into a two-hour over the summer break, followed by a selected from over 750 applications. movie. near-full time load at a disadvantaged school for two years, with support This focus on the abilities and skills of Yet one sport remains – remained – from more experienced staff, whilst individual teachers may obscure the above them all: the incorruptible face Caption that doesn’t involve the word ‘moobs’ continuing to study, eventually receiving structural effects programs like this can of sumo. Steeped in tradition, governed have. One of the biggest problems in day – both of which are 10-15 times a postgraduate diploma in teaching from by prestige, the honour code of sumo education systems across the English- larger than what their fans eat. This the University of Melbourne. wrestling is unbreakable on pain of speaking world is teacher retention hardly comes naturally. Many initially forced retirement. One of the oldest - a 2004 House of Commons Inquiry have stomach and intestinal massages The program has placed its first ‘jobs-for-life’, this sport recruits boys found that fewer than 50% of people to help them hold more food at once. teachers in Victoria this year (as teacher in their early teens and immediately in teacher training positions were still The incredible thing is that they are qualification requirements vary from sets them to training. It is considered teaching after five years - similar to expected to keep gaining weight in the state to state, it is unclear if it will be a special privilege to be asked to join a what was found in 2003 in the US by face of daily 4-5 hour training sessions. extended further). It is based to some ‘stable’ – in other words, a residential the National Commission on Teaching Amazingly, they do. Konoshiki, a sumo extent on Teach for America, which in gym. and America's Future (why do NGOs of some renown, could allegedly down turn was based on the senior thesis of politics and public affairs undergraduate have such corny names?). Interestingly, There are no weight divisions in sumo. 70 sushi and 100 bottles of beer in a Wendy Kopp in 1989. The intellectual some workplace-based training programs A 400-pound veteran could easily be sitting. His ensuing tearing-up of local heritage of the idea seems similar such as the New York Teaching Fellows matched with a 200-pound rookie – a D-floors only added to his legend. to JFK’s Peace Corps – creating a Program (which was started more out veritable slight man’s burden. In other of sheer desperation at severe teacher After a decade of this, wrestlers usually prestigious recruiting brand to encourage words, Tyson vs Mundine would be a shortages than any sense of idealism) have a BMI (Body Mass Index) hovering the ‘best and the brightest’ (read: social perfectly plausible (and karmic) matchup. report slightly higher retention rates than around 45 (30 is obese, 35 is life- elites - last year 11% of Ivy League Therefore, the focus of training is (duh) the relevant averages, although whether threatening) and are ready for the lowest seniors applied to the program) to give putting on weight. Eventually, they learn this is because of the structure of those fighting rank. Wages are minimal, and some time over to community service. to pull this off by eating two meals a programs itself or the kind of staff were even less before the Great Rikishi attracted to them is unclear. Revolt of 1932*, resulting in the first The organisation presents the program and only cancelled sumo tournament as plugging a gap that exists in area What makes the TFA model different, in history. Wages compared to Western that find it difficult to attract or however, is that it treats its temporary CHORAL sportsmen are pitiful, even for world retain teachers. Recruitment Director nature as a feature rather than a flaw. champions. The only real incentives are Eleanor Donovan states that the The marketing in the Australian honour, recognition, and the reverence program is “highly tailored to the program emphasises that associates EVENSONG that comes with being the champion of a needs of disadvantaged schools in are not locked in to teaching after the national sport. Australia”. Obviously it is too early to judge the Australian experience, but 2 year period - based on international experience, 40-50% of alumni wind up There are no bad boys in sumo. They’ve the organisation points to what has in other professions shortly afterwards. all been banned. At least as far as you happened overseas as an indicator of In the US, a 2008 study by Morgaen know. Drug possession (especially diet what might happen in future. Donaldson found that after four years, St Paul’s College Chapel pills) carries a life ban. Any hint of 35.5% had stayed in teaching and 15% match-fixing carries a life ban (although In the UK, ‘Ofsted’ (the office in had stayed in the same school. Teach there are many ‘gentlemen’s agreements’ charge of standards in education - Tuesdays in Semester for America’s published mission suggests that exist, as detailed in Freakonomics). which evidently are slipping given that it is not too troubled by this high 5:45 pm The problem with this is that many the acceptance of such an annoying turnover rate, instead claiming that the The St Paul’s College Chapel Choir sumo who ‘cross over’ know that minor contraction) has given official approval “massive force of leaders in all fields indiscretions will end their career, so they to the training component of ‘Teach David Drury Director of Music who have the perspective and conviction go overboard thinking they may as well First’, although noting that there were that come from teaching successfully in be hanged for a chicken as an egg. Thus, still issues with classroom behaviour. low-income communities” will lead to it is not uncommon for such athletes Teach for Australia also highlights a beneficial changes. Open to All to have organised crime connections, 2008 study by the Urban Institute on indulge in hard drugs or commit acts secondary school placements in North One factor influencing the decision of public violence. Asashoryu, arguably Carolina, which found that the students Ivan Head Warden of schools in the US to take on TFA the most notorious former sumo (not of TFA teachers tended to outperform staff is that they are paid at beginner’s only for having the most punnable name those of non-TFA novice teachers at Location: 9 City Road, Camperdown rates and their training is externally in competitive sport but also for being state end-of-course testing (a 2004 study funded. Teacher unions in the US have a yokozuna, the highest rank of sumo a by Mathematica Policy Research found complained that education departments fighter can achieve) would be laughed a slight improvement in maths and facing budget pressures have laid off at by Nick D’Arcy. But fighting outside science but no difference in reading). experienced teachers whilst expanding a bar as a public figure in Japan is The effect held when controlling for the recruitment of TFA grads and other unforgivable. He was banned and wisely fact that TFA graduates were more likely inexperienced staff. This phenomenon chose to subsequently retire. to be teaching in their own subject area than non-TFA novice teachers, but was will probably be specific to the education funding models used there. Which is, This rigorous code of honour, combined weaker for students who were already perhaps, another lesson entirely. with the relatively bad pay (even performing near the bottom of the as compared with other Japanese spectrum. sportsmen) makes one wonder how sumo * If you learnt anything in high school, it has had such sustained eminence for so Interestingly, Teach for America’s should be how easy it is to look up semi- long. But the wrestlers keep rolling in. website is more open about conflicting obscure cultural references… The reasons are shrouded in mystery. research. In any case, both programs emphasise the ‘quality’ of the recruited *I shit you not. Google it. teachers in their marketing. Donovan 6 The Usual Suspects Hmm, you seem to always be STUFF USYD The Bar Fight: undone by the French. Was this STUDENTS LIKE Gallic aversion also the reason Two Joes argue about Messi and Ronaldo. #302 Penguin Paperbacks you were so pedestrian against The loser has to change his name to Lord the Koi Carps in the backyard Listen to Elizabeth Mulhall and drive Admiral Fuck-Face. water feature that is Ligue Un, to the bookstore. Olympic Lyonnais? Soon after, going to bed next than playing good Messi single-handedly destroyed Penguin Paperbacks provide USYD football. Resposta por favor? Arsenal. As Arsene Wenger said, students with everything they need, Joe Smith-Davies: Messi Messi is Playstation and he made and represent everything they admire. Messi Messi Messi Messi Itsok.. for me, my foootball, and my the Gunners defence look like Sega Penguin Paperbacks allow the USYD Messi MEEEESSI! GOOOL! family, it is about success as well as Megadrive. student to read pretentious academic image... Messi, sure, he is a good player See, Messi’s name is perfectly material and mind-numbing works compatible with the orgiastic of course, but the Barcelona jersey has At the end of the day, this debate is of literary genius for the low, low cries of your favourite Hispanic some red and some blue and I think this meaningless - fooootball is a team . price of $9.95 which means that this commentator. is, how you say, out of fashion... red was My performances are determined by the precious knowledge is like, available popular in 2009 but no anymore. ability of those around me to perform to the masses and therefore totally not Joe Trohman: Hang on, let me get their roles: for the other midfielders pretentious any more. into character...a quick watch of Yeah... Messi lets his football, not to ensure they’re not obstructing the Ronaldo’s ad for Castrol should do his fashion, do the talking. Take photographers cameras and for the USYD students also froth at the mouth the trick. the Champions League final last at the mention of the mix of high and year. Messi led an imperious Barca strikers to ensure they allow me enough low culture. They are printing works Are you in an ezillarating pleiss team to victory, whilst you looked time once I score to have a closeup by Chomsky and Nick Hornby in the yet? like an impudent schoolboy whose with the TV cameras alone. My team same format for the same price! What favourite lollipop had been stolen. expects the best from me and, (winks) Dis bar is a pleiss that doesnt have SODOHAI. an amazing example of the clash of enough mirrors... My Castrol fuelled car broke down on high and low culture that occurs in the way to the game.... I had to get to the True, it is meaningless. But, to use our postmodern world! If Season 5 of Indeed. That really sums you Stadio Olympico via Paris! That is why I language you might understand Gossip Girl was released with a Penguin up. A preening ponce more had low energy during the match. I went (product-speak), Messi’s World Cup Paperback cover USYD students would concerned with which perma- back via Paris after the match also, we will end with Jabulaniation while pass out. tanned reality TV star he’s stayed at her fathers hotel... yours will fade into a Mercurial Vapor. If filling their bookshelves (I use milk crates stacked together, bookshelves are direct quote there, people). I write now probably shaped by the fact that the so bourgeois) with those tiny orange to disabuse the wider populace of any shop had been the target of several and cream gems isn’t enough, USYD notion that Glebe is a happening or hip arson attempts. students can also buy tea mugs (I have joint – it is, in fact, quite shit-house. a Pride and Prejudice one) and notepads Which brings me to my next point: (interestingly almost the exact shape Let’s start with the food, given the Glebe can be fucking scary. I know and size of a Moleskine notebook) obsession many folks in these parts have I shouldn’t be frightened of the 11 emblazoned with that popular penguin. with it. Let’s begin at Fair Trade. Or year-old girls who stroll down the main Anusha Rutnam is a filthy traitor. better yet, let’s not (ha!), the food and road at 2pm on school days but I’ll be If Sir Allen Lane, founder of Penguin Disclaimer: I have lived in Glebe service here is bad enough to make one damned if there isn’t a soullessness Books, knew that his target market my whole life and during this want to call in all our third world debt in their eyes that says ‘I KNOW the of middle and lower income families time I’ve developed a certain ill- at Biblical interest rates. Two doors world, who the fuck are you?’ Then has been replaced by latte sipping, deserved fondness for the place; I’ll down we hit student/hipster favourite, there’s old one-legged Max whose skinny jean wearing, Wayfarer sporting, probably stay there until my body is Badde Mannors. My last run-in with vocabulary of obscenities is quite shoulder bag toting, AppleMac using, unceremoniously wheeled into the the place involved a salad whose flavour unparalleled. iPhone worshipping Usyd students he (conveniently located) city morgue. was aptly described as ‘foot-like’. The would probably turn That said, since my first year at rest of Glebe Point Road is basically So, I hear you say, why don’t you just in his grave. Now Usyd I’ve had to put up with the an endless stretch of mediocre Thai fuck off out of Glebe then? Well, good if you’ll excuse me, gushing rants of many an urban-noob restaurants, few of which stand up to readers, at the end of the day Glebe I’m off to purchase (otherwise known as an urbanoob) who their Newtown counterparts. Also that is the Tara to my Scarlet O’Hara. It Hunter S. Thompson’s think sGlebe is “just so rad, so much awesome British Sweets Shop recently might be a shit-hole but at least it’s my Kingdom of Fear. more real than Newtown” (that’s a relocated to greener pastures – a decision shit-hole.

Simply put? It’s an indictment on you. of spite. However, though still draped been shaped over thousands of years. ROAD TEST You’re soft. You’re accommodating. in uncertainty, there are certain Equally, in this enlightened age of equal You’re manipulable. You’re the one explanations. opportunity, with independent women THE FRIEND ZONE happy to be an emotional S-bend. and metrosexual men challenging this Matthew Fitzgerald of AskMen.com A popular theory among anthropologists common assertion – the circumstances Fellas, we’ve all been there. That girl you summates: is that women have an evolutionary have changed but the primal instincts adore, love, cherish, crave, desire, would attraction to resources and providers. have not, from either gender. Humans go to the ends of the earth for, want to You are a wuss and she can’t wait to castrate If the Greer-stapo would kindly hold have yet to evolve in their attractions, caress on a mountaintop, picnic with you and make you her best girlfriend who’ll look their fire for a few seconds, this is not except in what personality happens in the Tuscan sun? It’s all going great after her pets while she goes running off for the a suggestion that women are at their to be in vogue at the time. This is ‘til now. She puts smileys in her text weekend with a tattooed biker. core shameless gold-diggers. Things a key argument/consolation as to messages. She touches her hair when like muscles, posture, amounts of hair why inconsiderate assholes get laid you’re around. You even had brunch This has been a much-explored and traits that have prima facie nothing disproportionately. once, and she ordered the avocado conundrum of female psychology. A to do with money nevertheless betray foccacia – a well known aphrodisiac, boy can be handsome, muscular, clever, a man’s adeptness at hunter-gathering The other argument is that assertive right? wealthy and a demon in the sack, but and therefore providing for the next personalities – commonly read by In like Flynn? there are a number of unconscious deal- generation. This is in the same way that non-alpha males as douchebaggery – Nah. breakers at work that will deny him a men are attracted to women through catapult one out of the Friend Zone. relationship with certain women. These figure, hairstyle, symmetry and size of This delineates the options that women You take the dive, and you drown – have not been discretely identified – as key features – these indicate levels of have to relate to the man – specifically, pushed under by cruel stiletto heels. evidenced by Sigmund Freud, who, for health and thus an ability to support eliminates the middle ground of personal But in your darkness and despair, she all his psychological breakthroughs, the next generation. This view has relationships – commonly known as ‘just dangles the light on the hill – “We confessed he could not answer the been heavily promoted by Barbara friends’. The arrogant fuckwit presents can still be friends!” It’s emotional question di tutti questions, despite and Allen Pease in Why Men Need Sex two options, rather than three: conjugal morphine – the pain disappears and the decades of research: and Women Need Love – “He has the or none. This is oddly attractive, for phony, artificial euphoria sets in. You are “What do women want?” resources - they have the health.” In reasons the Gender Studies faculty won’t seduced. And not the good kind. Vainly, certain Pacific tribes, obesity is a sign of give me a research grant to find out. you hope for the day she wakes up to This drove him to base all his subsequent prosperity and thus makes for a more Meanwhile, a nation of nice guys weeps. what a nice, sweet, caring, cuddly, newly theories around penises, mostly out prospective partner. This attraction has Tim Whelan emasculated man you are. The Usual Suspects 7 THE BEST TERRIBLE FILMS OF ALL TIME. MEDIA COUNTDOWN South Park enthusiasts have seen MOTHERHOOD (2009) 5 more than Kenny killed this week, Nine Pounds. No, that’s not the unwanted sequel to that annoying Will Smith movie, but the with threats from Islamic extremists opening night takings of this movie in the UK. One person attended the first screening. One lousy, causing an episode of the cartoon steenking human being. And it’s got Uma Thurman in it. And Minnie Driver. I haven’t seen it, but this series to be canned. Comedy Central film must be heinously, cataclysmically, Kill Biblically shit. was compelled to censor last week’s episode, after threats from a group calling themselves Revolution THE UNDEFEATABLE (1994) 4 Muslim warned creators Trey Parker This actioner has a lot going for it: a title that could have been penned by a primary school bully, and Matt Stone they would “wind up male leads who look like suburban martial arts instructors rather than professional actors and a female like Theo Van Gogh”. With this Van lead who could pass as Kathy Griffin’s plain older sister. But it is the climactic fight scene that raises The Gogh being the Dutch filmmaker Undefeatable to the highest echelon of bad. The highlight of this orgy of unnecessary torso is when the murdered in 2004 by an Islamic villain inexplicably gets his eye gouged out by a seemingly harmless brick wall (watch and see). radical over a film which accused the religion of supporting violence SILENT NIGHT: DEADLY NIGHT II (1987) 3 against women, punters feared not You only have to look at the ingredients to know how atrocious this film is: it’s a sequel (to a film for Parker and Stone’s ears and that attracted widespread public opprobrium), it’s a slasher movie, it was made in 1987 and it features genitalia, but held little hope for free a Santa costume (for every Bad Santa there are a least three Santa Clauses). Furthermore, there is a cherry humour. atop this steaming cinematic turd: the performance of lead Eric Freedman. Type in “Garbage Day” on YouTube and prepare yourself for a truly astounding piece of maniacal snarling and facial contortion. The first gag insinuated prophet Muhammed was inside a bear suit, SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON (2002) to parody the taboo of depicting 2 Low budget films which rely on special effects. This paradox has resulted in many commendably the figure onscreen, and despite awful movies but the spectacularly-named SA3: Megalodon may just be the high watermark. Made in the show preserving a proud South Africa in 2002 (going on 1988), the shark scenes look like they’ve been made on Windows Movie reputation for inflammatory parody Maker with stock nature footage and 40 minutes of studio time (and probably were). Nonetheless, a guy of religious figures, Comedy on a jet ski powering straight into a shark’s mouth is pretty awesome. Shame he couldn’t jump it though. Central saw fit to even bleep out the word ‘Muhammed’ in the THE ROOM (2003) following episode. Executives were 1 Often dubbed the Citizen Kane of bad movies, The Room is “actor”/“director”/“screenwriter”/ subsequently asked by good old producer Tommy Wiseau’s magnum opus, a “dark comedy” set in a New York apartment block. The free speech whether they needed a Room invites comparisons to the works of Tennessee Williams (made by Wiseau himself) and Wiseau’s backbone to go with those decisions. character Johnny does bear a passing resemblance to Stanley Kowalski. That is, if Kowalski was being played by Christopher Walken after suffering from a fairly serious stroke and not Marlon Brando. The custody battle between a Nazi-naming New Jersey couple and childcare authorities continues as four-year old Adolf Hitler Campbell and DOING YOUR READINGS siblings JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler The Basics is also trying to infiltrate the 10/10 beginning to test you on what you’ve Jeannie remain in foster care. participation camp, slit his throat with a supposedly read. Instead, try claiming The initial removal of the You should do the readings. Chances confident attack on everything he stands you have read every single word of the children was triggered by a are that if you have tutorials that are for. If you act fast and decisively, you are readings for this week and you have in birthday cake request, and based around readings, you’re doing halfway to slipping under the radar. fact read the whole reader, twice over. parents vow if their case is THAT YOU'VE DONE YOUR an Arts Degree and will be paying off There is the chance the tutor will be so successful they’ll eat it too. HECS for half your life. It’s worth WhatREADINGS to say taken aback that they won’t push the learning something. This said, the weight issue. This said, do not disagree with Controversial artist Bill Henson is given to tutorial participation in some A lot depends on whether this is a the tutor’s thoughts on the topic. A lot set to unveil a new exhibition at units of study can be excruciatingly one-off fake or if you regularly go of students who have done the reading the same gallery from which his heavy. In these circumstances, you may undercover. If this is a one-off, attempt will do this to make a point of what artworks were seized in 2008 after occasionally be required to fake that to steer discussion towards theories competent independent thinkers they depicting photographs of a nude you’ve done your readings or risk losing mentioned in previous weeks that you are. It’s a tempting power play. However, 13-year old girl. Henson’s works considerable marks. To succeed you must know more about. Use what you have. this is near impossible for all but the very at the Roslyn Oxley 9 Gallery in look, breath, think and interject just like A tutor may assume you did this week’s best fakers to pull-off. The tutor will Paddington come at an interesting someone who has done the readings. readings if you can prove you’ve done almost certainly counter your lack of time with the NSW government To do this, you must prepare yourself them in the past. In this fashion, an insight and humiliate you, meaning the changing its child pornography laws psychologically. Get into character a few investment in one week of reading can game is up. last week, removing the defence of hours beforehand. Convince yourself lead to three weeks of participation artistic purpose. With concern for a you’re doing an Honours year. Start credit. If you didn’t even bother buying How to start a fight second wall-stripping stint, curators speaking to people like a pretentious the reader, just remember that many encouraged the photographer to twat. When you’re ready, enter the successful politicians didn’t do the Hijack the tutorial by bringing up simply showcase his collection of tutorial and take a seat where you can readings either. A fairly staple objective something topical everyone is likely to booby aprons. look straight in your tutor’s eye. would be to listen out for any phrase have an opinion on i.e. how Facebook that is being repeated. Then construct has impacted on our lives. Tutors love And finally, another MP The Background an intensely ambivalent sentence around having everyone engaged in discussion had another affair with it: “I think the hegemonic male as a even if it’s only vaguely relevant to the another Treasurer. Citizens Be aggressive. The best form of defence concept is both utterly important and unit of study so they’ll likely let the talk have requested Australian is attack. Never forget this. The point completely useless to think about when go on. Hopefully, you will bypass the politicians concentrate on of readings is that they are challenging. trying to understand contemporary readings entirely. At the least, there will running the country for once. Most people don’t understand the masculinities.” be less time for them to be discussed and readings even when they’ve done them. for the tutor to pick up that you didn’t do Use this fact to your advantage. The What not to say them. This will likely outrage the people FACT! vast majority of students who haven’t who have done the readings and are The average person done their readings stay quiet until Anything that draws unnecessary eager to show it. You will in almost every inhales 1000 locusts in they are called upon. Do not wait to be attention to yourself. If it comes to it, instance outnumber these people though, their sleep each night. called upon. You must fight everything do not say you only did some of the so stay focused and you should be okay. your instincts are telling you and speak readings, part of the readings, or you up early. Cannibalize if you must. If read “the other one but not this one”. Paul Ellis you realise that a fellow non-reader So many fakers try this that tutors are 8 The Profile Hi, I'm Honi Soit, you must be Carmen Culina exhanged politeJune words with Australia’s Dally-Watkins duchess of etiquette.

I fumbled with my collar for the stuck inside yourself. You must circulate, Distinguish yourself umpteenth time, frantically smoothing otherwise you will be a very lonely person the creases out of my skirt and cursing you will miss out on such joy in life.” the newly spotted hole in my pantyhose. Well founded or not, the prospect of Not only does Dally-Watkins believe interviewing the iconic Madame of that technology is poorly equipped to manners had filled me with mild terror. I communicate the warmth of friendship, had already met Dally-Watkins in 2004, but it is frequently a poor substitute when I graduated from one of her short for face-to-face meetings. “If you are holiday deportment courses well versed breaking off an association, a romance or in the art of posture, entering rooms, and an engagement you don’t send an email. eating bread rolls correctly, and much like You say- ‘let’s meet for coffee, let’s talk’. my fifteen year old self, I was hoping not It is not hard; people have been doing to disappoint the perennially delightful it forever. It is just that people are losing woman. the habit of doing it.” Nor should we be underestimating the power of writing a Dally-Watkins came from a the small note, “when you write a note and you use mining village of Watson’s Creek, your handwriting that comes from the beyond Tamworth; a world away from heart.” the big-city glamour she later came to Postgraduate study in London Presentation be synonymous with. Within a few years Despite this, it seems that propriety and of arriving in Sydney she had become good manners are often considered Australia’s most photographed model, pretentious and excessively old fashioned. Sydney Shangri-La Hotel (CBD), Monday 10th May 2010 at 7pm and in 1950 she began the southern “Good manners and correct etiquette hemisphere’s first school of personal shouldn’t be something that is superficial development to address what she felt was and just for showing off. It has to come This presentation will provide information on programmes a “tremendous need for young people to from within you, and it is the difference of study, the application process, scholarship opportunities and learn to be the best they can be”. 60 years between being a refined or a rough on and the business continues to thrive, human being. Anyone can be rough, life in London. offering individual etiquette courses, as Anyone can speak like this.” Dally- well as a Business Finishing School and Watkins slips into an alarmingly authentic corporate training, which Dally-Watkins Australian bush accent to illustrate the King’s College London is one of the world’s top 25 universities.* believes is a testament to the value of point. “Anyone can be anything, but being what is taught. “Some people think that refined, that is gracious”, the rest of the we are snobbish, superficial and put it sentence is precisely enunciated in her June Dally-Watkins... Model, mother, mogul... To book your place to the presentation, please contact [email protected] all on. I don’t think that we are one bit usual flawless tone. conceited. We are real people. And when grown up- and they still speak to me!.” when a man treats me as a lady. Not you are real, other people appreciate it- Hanging just behind Dally-Watkin’s Dally-Watkin’s melodic laughter fills the because I am a poor weak person. But though some people nowadays mightn’t head is an Order of Australia Award she room. because he considers me to be a lady, even notice.” received for her contribution to business and he is a gentleman, and I would say, ‘I in 1993. “The media always like to talk Although Dally-Watkin’s beguiling appreciate that so much, thank you very, about etiquette this and that, but I am charm, relaxed warmth and captivating very much’.” “Some people think thrilled with my Order of Australia manner have made her a model for that we are snobbish, Award because it recognises the role I feminine conduct, she wholly rejects the Those worrying about their lack of have played in business”. Dally-Watkin’s suggestion that women are to be more formal training in good manners, should superficial and put it all buoyant demeanour, makes it is easy to concerned with proper manners than be comforted by the fact that sincerity on. I don’t think that we overlook the challenges she must have men. “Etiquette was always meant to be is the surest guide to correct etiquette. faced establishing herself in a time where equally important for both. Your good “If a person is loving and caring they are one bit conceited. businesswomen were few and far between. manners reflect who you are and it means are going to be more inclined towards “People had their doubts. I remember on being kind, considerate and thoughtful good manners, if a person is cold, empty, my wedding day my father-in-law patting to other human beings and making them distant, uncaring then it will be more A lot has changed over the past six me on the head and saying to my new feel comfortable and at ease. If a man difficult for them. Because when you say decades and Dally-Watkins readily admits husband, ‘don’t worry son, when she has isn’t considerate and kind and thoughtful thank you to someone it should come her disappointment at the deteriorating a family she will give up her business’, then he is just not a very nice man.” from your heart. If you go to open the standards of manners, particularly with and I was thinking to myself- no way! I So should men still stand to offer women door for someone, you do that because the younger generation. “There was wanted to be my own person, have my a seat? “Oh yes, absolutely!” It is hard to you care”. Dally-Watkins attributes much always more consideration and now own rights and my own career- so I did.” imagine a more emphatically delivered of her success to her genuine approach, for some reason everyone is just out response. Dally-Watkins believes that the “If I ran this business in an in uncaring for themselves.” In defence of my age Although, Dally-Watkins makes no idea that this chivalry is sexist is a sign of way, it would have been dead long ago. bracket I raise the growth of internet excuses for the decisions that led to her a warped mentality, and the view held Loving and caring about other human socialising- surely technology has made success, her choice to continue working by women who “have been very poorly beings, is what being successful in life is all many traditional concerns about etiquette while bringing up her four children was brought up”. It is surprising that a woman about.” redundant? Dally-Watkins politely the source of much criticism. “There who has so fiercely fought for her standing disagrees, “You don’t sit at a dining room was no working mother back then and I in society be so fervently against feminists. Dally-Watkins dropped a tissue on our table and eat with your computer, you was pregnant and going into the office. ”I do not like feminists. I am not on the way out to the corridor and playfully don’t take your computer on a date…. I would receive phone calls of people side of Germaine Greer.” Mildly taken shows me the correct way to pick it up You are quite right, people now are not saying, ‘those poor starving children of a back, I ask her to explain, “Now, I am again, and I left her Sydney office wholly communicating as they used to and I yours, why don’t you go home to them’. It successful in business, in business and in grateful for the opportunity to have met www.kcl.ac.uk would give them a warning- be very, worked out well, they learnt to wash and capability I consider myself to be equal someone so positively delightful and to men, equal competition- fantastic! But very careful that you don’t become just iron, cook and look after the home and pointedly sincere at the same time. *THES world rankings 2009 be independent- the four of them have when I am out socially, I really respect June Dally-Watkins Distinguish yourself

Postgraduate study in London Presentation Sydney Shangri-La Hotel (CBD), Monday 10th May 2010 at 7pm This presentation will provide information on programmes of study, the application process, scholarship opportunities and life in London. King’s College London is one of the world’s top 25 universities.*

To book your place to the presentation, please contact [email protected]

www.kcl.ac.uk

*THES world rankings 2009 10 The Arts Hole SYDNEY SYMPHONY THREADS STRINGS HANDEL'S MUSIC FOR THE ROYAL FIREWORKS Diana Tjoeng and Henry Hawthorne used to think AMus was a British author. The Humble Tee in a flamboyant combination of force and Anusha Rutnam gets shirty. The title of the performance, by the symphony as they continued with finesse. We pity whoever must launder that A mini-furore recently erupted in the Pyrotechnica, sounds like the attempt of the rest of their song. We all pretended it man’s musically-soaked and literally-soaked fashion blogosphere when French label a bunch of fuddy-duddy string-playing was our neighbour’s idea to start clapping. tails tuxedo. Our position was also prime Balmain released a ripped up T-shirt dusty-shirted good-for-nothing ne’er-do- The audience also developed a deep fear of for watching the intense facial expressions which retailed for a cool £938.47. wells to ‘amp’ up classical, ‘Baroque’-and- making any noise during the performance, of master cellist Jian Wang during Edouard roll and take it ‘Bach’ to the future. But it saving up their coughs for the ends of songs Lalo’s Cello Concerto in D minor. His cello Indeed Decarnin’s pricey T-shirt is not damn well worked, and proved that a night and releasing them in one cathartic fit of took on the qualities of a human voice as the first of its kind to have caused a stir. 12, 13 May 6.30pm, 14 May 11am, 17 May 7pm at the Symphony isn’t just for people made spluttering. Nevertheless, the rapturous its quivering strings pierced the air with Designer Katharine Hamnett created Sydney Opera House Concert Hall of strings and wood. tones of Bach’s Orchestral Suite No.4 in D equally quivering emotions. Handel’s Music quite the hubbub in 1984 when she ascended in unabashed splendour, rising up for the Royal Fireworks was thunderous was photographed meeting Margaret We soon realised that the rest of the into the flock of see-through donuts that are and invigorating with its loud drumbeats Thatcher, whilst wearing an oversized audience knew as much about Handel as suspended from the roof of the immense and brass section. To cap off the musical t-shirt of her own creation, emblazoned we did. Quite aside from the performance Concert Hall. experience, we then emerged into the with the slogan ‘58% DON’T WANT itself, it was a rare experience to witness night air, which carried, itself, a lilting live PERSHING’ (referring to the British awkwardness on such a mass scale (≈ 2,500 Situated in the front row, we had the worst rendition from Opera Bar of ‘Baby Got Government’s use of Pershing Missiles). people). The first instance came during a seats in the house in terms of sound quality Back’. Supré cashed in on the style two decades brief pause in the music (a caesura, if you but the best seats in that we could practically later with T-shirts almost identical in style, will), in which the audience burst into 1½ taste the sweat flying off conductor Roy Next show: Sibelius’ Symphony No.5 branded with phrases such as ‘I taught seconds of applause only to be chastised Goodman as he flung his fingers into the air - Harmony from Heaven your boyfriend that thing you like.’ Yup, fight the power, ladies.

Thankfully in recent years American Apparel has reignited the fashion for STAGE Tim Spencer unadorned T-shirts, with an emphasis Alex Lee makes words with her word-processor. against punch-in-your-guts observations being placed on clean cuts and high It’s late at night, and a group of 16 friends for a bar, a bed or just another body to rub and some killer one-liners. The line “Nick quality fabrics. Unfortunately this trend tumble out of a bar, turn the corner and up against. treats Stacey’s pussy like it’s the door to has not seen the demise of the ‘funny’ walk down the street. For most people, its Narnia” is just one that springs to mind. T-shirt genre. And though many relish a forgettable part of an evening, but for “Without war or social chaos in our emblazoning their chests with various Tim Spencer these minutes of aimless formative years, what really distinguishes Combined with stellar direction from Bell witticisms and novelty illustrations, it wandering have become the focus of our generation is the lack of hardship,” Tim Shakespeare’s director in residence Jess remains a scientific fact that T-shirts are his new play Words They Make with their explains. “Without the pain and conflict in Tuckwell, Words is a funny, heartbreaking the lowest form of comedic expression. Mouths, a one man show that recently our own social context, we seem to have and memorable piece of theatre by This is so because after the initial funny beat 700 other local and international engineered and internalised it ourselves, and one of Australia’s most promising new of reading, say, ‘Pedro lacks political acts to win the coveted Bank SA People’s are now individual disaster zones walking theatremakers. experience’ the line doesn’t go away but Choice Award at the 2010 Adelaide Fringe around and bumping into one another.” rather remains draped over the skinny Festival. Words They Make with their chest of the guy sitting opposite in your With split-second switches between each Mouths is playing as part of the Art History tute, until all the humour has Written and performed by the ex-SUDS real and recognisable character, Spencer atyp Under the Wharf Season. dripped sadly away. Stay well clear, kids. President and co-founder of theatre manages to bring a depth to each one by 8pm Tuesday 27th April – May production company Bambina Borracha, showing their banal conversations as well as 1st. Tickets $14.50 for USU With the USU Board Elections upon us, Words takes place over the space of 100 exposing their innermost desires and secrets. Access card holders. Bookings can Usyd students will undoubtedly see their metres as a group of 20-somethings leave be made at www.atyp.com or by share of poorly cut, ill-fitting, garish- a bar and spill out onto the street searching Moments of fragility and tenderness ram up calling 9270 2400. coloured T-shirts in the coming weeks. Would it be so much to ask for just one a newsprint, and has even While any publication revamp can usually campaigner to splash on a hundred or grabbed headlines from indicate a decline in circulation and sale so of the Balmain tees? I would vote for newspaper. (coughOystercouh), Murison clearly means them, I swear. PRINT business. Sweet, sweet, typographical Bridie Connellan enjoys layouts The seven-year reign of way too much to let this magazine editor Conor McNicholas ebbed with business. stance on blatant bias and favouritism. revamp slide. the succession of Krissi Murison in July The magazine itself has a long history 2009. First female editor - flip yeah you It’s high time NME left 1990 at the door, of both “band bashing”, and corporate Everyone needs haircuts, and did. Thus, in a dramatic refurbishment as the Acid House and Madchester vested interests with Kasabian, The considering image is the crux of this of design, sections and typography, crazes swept this weekly press like a 24 Killers and The Libertines debatably cultural artifact, British music magazine Murison and her team have responded to Hour Party Person. But while previously owing their careers to its pages, and the NME is no exception. The aptly titled “extensive reader research” and marked the site of Happy Mondays nu-rave recent tabloid style turning a number publication New Music Express has been the occasion with 10 Special Edition self-indulgence, the new-look NME is of readers off indefinitely. However, revamped for 2010, with a fresh editor Covers featuring the likes of MIA, LCD surprisingly and eloquently not shit. with a distinctly varied cache of artists and a scheme for tackling dwindling Soundsystem, Jack White, and Foals. Overhauling the traditionally garish red launching the face-lift, all hope lies in circulation figures. Poor NME. Really, any publication to feature Rhianna logo in favour of a more streamlined font, Murison’s ability to pull NME’s head Circulation has dropped two-thirds since with a sequined vulture on her shoulder the change also allows this publication to out of it’s own arse. For the meantime, 1990. Sure sucks to be printing in the has got to be worth the £2.30. throw off the shackles of its socialist days content and writing quality still needs midst of an online revolution. when the election of Margaret Thatcher work, but at least the foundations are The use of stripped-back black and in 1979 made editors see Red. laid for what could pull itself together as Since its inception in 1952, NME white for the interior layout has created something relevant to music readers and has come to embody the youthful a significantly classier publication with Now sure, design and schmickness is sure artists. The pulse ain’t dead yet y’all. It’s obsession with music those “hip young the right amount of colour splashes to re-jig interest in this historically iconic still prime for hip young gunslingers. gunslingers” (their words circa 1976) just rescuing these pages from looking as press at least for a little while, but the seem to dig. NME established the first cheap as Ke$ha’s hair extensions. A small real test will come with the new editorial British music chart in print. It coined yet noteworthy decision came with a the term ‘Britpop’ in the 90s. And it has paper change to that perfect ply balance single-handedly kept Pete Doherty in between floppy tabloid trash and matte some oddly revered spotlight for years. finish art mag. Thus, without stripping itself of the rock and/or roll stickiness In its first big revamp since the decision of sex, drugs and textual sweat on which to go glossy in 2003, the new-look rag the magazine has hedged its reputation, has come a long way since it began as this new sheen simply screams progress. 11 SOUNDS THREADS OM NOM NOM IN A SENTENCE thrifty fine dining Bridie Connellan is succinct in her sentiments. Lucy Bradshaw noms in style for a my sourdough to lap it all up. Our MGMT pretty attractive and succulent penny. entrée resembled a painter’s palette Congratulations with its purple and yellow carrots Even now, we have a lot to thank the Surprisingly first-rate psych-trip dotted with ruby-red pomegranate, GFC for. Our stimulus money may be of radio-unfriendly hallucinatory lime and hazelnuts. The main long spent, but the ‘recession buster’ wonderment for the US duo usually featured cheesy pillows of parmesan fixed menus at many of Sydney’s best suited to soundtracking Bonds ads. restaurants remain, allowing us the gnocchi (think Mac’n’Cheese made gourmet) and a show-stopping side, the Marque my words, that chandelier WILL fall on cheapest taste of an embezzled-up your sorbet madame. The Futureheads most babyish of all: pureed potatoes. corporate lifestyle that we’re likely to get The Chaos This dish was so divine I would’ve licked for a while. Feckin’ Brit gunnin’ riffs ‘n’ totes endie the bowl clean if not for the presence of shite yah, the fourth album from this starch-shirted waiters. Surry Hills’ Marque is headed by foursome is good clean fun dipped in Mark Best, the man officially declared sweet, sweet petrol. to be Sydney’s finest chef. This fine We silently and splendidly consumed our complimentary pre-dessert (pannacotta establishment offers the best of these The Checks with salted butter caramel), like good Bentley’s quality shit. menus in the form of a five-course Alice By The Moon little kids who, having eaten their veggies, Friday lunch for a mere $45. “$45!” you Somewhat mediocre Kiwi indie band are justly rewarded. Dessert just kept cry, “I could buy seventy packets of Mi- DOLLAR FRIENDLY DEALS gets mildly better after an 18-month Goreng for that money!” Maybe, but coming – next was a great hulking rock of There’s no need to break the bank stint in London; still moderately you could hardly impress a pretty lady ‘smashed’ chocolate mousse surrounded to receive a feast! resemble the repetitive drivel of Jet. with all that noodle. Plus, here you get by coconut sorbet and dobs of eucalyptus the chance to dress up in your Sunday caramel. Assiette, 48 Albion St, Surry Hills: The National (well, Friday) best and pretend you’re 3 course Friday lunch, $35. High Violet Such food mightn’t offer the same brokering a deal while you’re breaking Third time’s a charm and a treat bread. value as a Big Mac Meal, but they Balzac, 141 Belmore Rd, Randwick: for this relatively anonymous Noo make something beautiful, and really 4 course Friday lunch, $50. Yawk crew, with their trio of quite fun, out of the everyday. They The scene does feel a little fancy, with mounting in the sound of a (more) its schmick setting and over-attentive transform eating into a complete Bentley Restaurant & Bar, 320 despondent Interpol reading a waiters, but once you get your grub experience, engaging not just your senses Crown St, Surry Hills: prophetic novel about a vagabond you’re somehow transported back to the but your intellect, so regard fine dining 10 course degustation, $50. in an attic or something similarly as the student’s duty and seize these mystery and simplicity of childhood. ambiguously mysteriously AWESOME. What looked like a plain old boiled egg opportunities while they stick around! Bistro CBD, Level 1, 52 King St, turned out to be a softly poached yolk Sydney: 3 courses, $40. Taylor Hawkins & the Marque, 4/355 Crown St, Surry suspended in spiced mousse so creamy I Coattail Riders Hills: 3 course Friday lunch (plus was tempted to cut little soldiers out of Red Light Fever two complimentary dishes), $45 Drummer sticks it to Foo Fighters fans, fusing a harmonic spoonful of Eagles with 30mL of Queen and a splash of SCREEN The Lovely Bones Thin Lizzy in a slightly feeble second Hannah Lee has a bone to pick. learning to accept the shortness of her own solo attempt to nab a suntan outside a Based on the popular novel by Alice life and the grief that comes with it. Grohling shadow. Sebold, The Lovely Bones is an interesting Parades direction for Oscar-winning director Peter In the same way that Susie psychedelically Jackson to take, since the story doesn’t moves from reality to fantasy in her Heaven- heartbreaking touches, but lose their Foreign Tapes seem as epic as say, The Lord of the Rings or Earth limbo, the film itself can’t seem to brilliance due to the lackluster lines that Birthday dinner for the ears; special, King Kong. make up its mind on whether it’s going to don’t even attempt subtlety or creativity in rarity, local delicacy, helluva treat. step down into disappointing melodramatic the way they express the film’s themes and Rat Vs Possum The lovely bones in question belong to territory or garner higher appreciation. For ideas. fourteen year old Susie Salmon (played one thing, the fantastical nature of Susie’s Daughter of Sunshine spectacularly by Saoirse Ronan) who is post-death experience starts off as fascinating With so many flaws cancelling out the A wondrous meander through a murdered on her way home from school but slowly loses its touch after a few blatant, film’s merits, small rays of hope that the minature zoo inside a circuitboard and thus her soul winds up somewhere in symbolic connections to the real world. movie might turn out to be worth the three on the top of a mountain of sequins between Heaven and Earth while her body dollars you spent on it (if you get a student holding a fluorescent castanet. waits to be discovered. In her new, overly- Soirse Ronan’s performance as Susie and discount on a new release) unfortunately Seja indulgent CGI environment, Susie watches Stanley Tucci’s creepy paedophile-killer die like Susie. And they don’t go to a better how her family, friends and murderer role as Mr. Harvey, combine to create place. They just die. We Have Secrets But Nobody respond to her death while simultaneously near-perfect moments of suspense and The Lovely Bones is on DVD now. Cares Better off without Regurgitator, German-born synth goddess gets her bono vox on, WELL.

GIGITY GIGITY Purple Sneakers DJs get out of the house, we dare you. We Mix You Dance Citizen Dr. Brown Behaves Splendour in the Grass Tix Gin, sweat and a cheeky texta on a wallpapered toilet wall; the core Local band WIM have organised a Cult international comedian Dr. Damn pretty festival, you sure fine. elements of one gloriously trashy weekly get together of sorts. See them Brown (Phil Burgers) is unleashing his You got all the moves what with Utopia. perform alongside a host of musicians brand of surreal, visual comedy on your Strokey Strokes and Hot Chips, KE$HA and artists in what they hope will the unsuspecting Hermann’s Bar for and your Mumford and your Sons become an “evolving story with the first time. He’s a funny doctor, so and whatnot. Bitches, get in line. animal rotating characters”. Righteous. watch your jerk-knee. Greasy black roots, smudged Rimmel, TICKETS ON SALE stale brews; this travesty is the musical Thursday May 6 Thursday April 29 Thursday May 6 equivalent of straddling an oiled-up Night - late 8pm - 11pm 9am sharp EST on Moshtix www. narwhal in a pit of tipsy alarm clocks Kings Cross Hotel Hermann’s Bar moshtix.com.au or phone and to answer your question, no, the 1300 GET TIX (438 849) party don’t stop. 12

THE CANDIDATES JAMES HILTIN PETER FLYNN GUO HONG Quiz 1: 33.3% Quiz 1: 86.7% Quiz 1: 60% Quiz 2: 20.8% Quiz 2: 37.5% Quiz 2: 33% Hiltin burst into our of- James took us by surprise. Peter, currently doing Hons fice with no shortage of He arrived to our interview in Gov, really impressed us zeal and passion, and impeccably dressed, topped with his extensive involve- commanded our atten- one of our quizzes, then ment in the USU; he’s tion with her love of the spoke comfortably and with volunteered as a SPOC for USU. She’s a Chinese passion about the financial two years, been on Exec in four clubs, and served as international student in her 2nd year of a commerce intricacies of the Union. He seemed like the most sea- President of Photosoc (helping to enlarge the soci- degree and has a knowledge of and enthusiasm for soned politician of the bunch, and his campaign may ety). His freshest idea was introducing a co-curricular the Union that would put most domestic students evolve into one of the most interesting in the whole transcript, the main idea being official recognition to shame. We were genuinely wowed by her strong election. For the first time in recent memory, he plans given to the hard work of C&S executives and Union desire to improve the contact between the Union and to actively target the religious vote on campus with volunteers. He also wants broader food options on International students (She’s the Union’s International plans to introduce a Religious Officer to the Union to campus (including introduction of Kosher and Halal Convenor), and she had some original policy ideas to give representation and organisation to all religious food) and to re-imagine Wentworth as a “home away back this up, such as encouraging the Union to hire groups on campus – not just Christians, he stressed. from home for students”. He was able to talk in great more international students so they can work in a saf- He’s Treasurer of the EU, a Councillor on the SRC, and detail about the Union and the Green Paper, and said er environment. She also has some good ideas about had extensive involvement in the Economics Societ- he was anti-VSU but suggested an opt-out clause venues and offices being made available to clubs and ies, convincing us he was the most financially aware (that would default to membership), which we felt societies more easily. When she talked to us about the of all the candidates. He’s running as an ‘independent, showed thinking. His biggest hurdle might be market- Green Paper and the Manning student forum (she was but freely admits membership to the Young Libs, which ing himself in a campaign that can generate enough one of a select few to ask a question at the form), she might scare away more than a few. His views aren’t re- cross-campus excitement to get him over the line. was genuinely appreciative of the opportunity for stu- ally that different to others in the race. He said he was He’s certainly smart, friendly and personable, but is dents to voice their ideas. We do worry that she may hopefully starting Medicine next year, which did leave he a personality? We’re yet to see. us questioning his availability. find it difficult to make herself an appealing candidate to the wider student populace.

TOM TIM ALISTAIR ROBSON SCRIVEN STEPHENSON Quiz 1: 53% Quiz 1: 53% Quiz 1: 80% Quiz 2: 29.2% Quiz 2: 29.2% Quiz 2: 79% Tom is President of the Alistair (Arts III) arrived at fresh-faced factional Tim has extensive our interview with a stack new kid on the bloc, the involvement in student of quiz prep (he was the WHIGS. Robson says organisations, and is only one to pass Quiz 2) as that the WHIGS’ lack of becoming something well as outlines of his nu- overarching factional policies will allow him greater of a fixture in the SRC merous policies, evidenc- independence than other party candidates, and that dungeon. He’s currently one of the SRC’s Disability ing solid commitment, a strong work ethic and a little most WHIGS votes are conscience votes. He’s in his Officer but is also involved in the Philosophy Soci- bit of nerd. His policies were more detailed than any third year of an Education and Arts degree and also ety and SUTEK. Tim knows the political issues better one else’s and ran the gamut from more entertain- serves as the SRC’s Communication Officer, telling than most and has some very passionate views on ment at Manning to encouraging wider and easier us he has big plans for the role this year. He’s against the Union’s independence. Where most candidates club participation. He was also the only candidate to the mandatory Access scheme in the colleges, saying might run with more student-targeted policies, Tim talk about doing more with The Bull to promote clubs that because college students pay so much to live on is running a more principled and philosophical and societies which we liked. If anything his policies campus they should get free Union membership, how- campaign, based around student control and Union are too broad and will require some refining so he ever he’s also fiercely anti-VSU. He’s running on a Fair financial independence. We feel it’s a good idea to can deliver a clearer, more concise message. He had Trade platform and wants the Union to employ more have people with long-term vision on Board, given some very detailed knowledge of Union policy and students (which we thought was great), but the thrust the current issues facing the Union, and Tim certainly funding and we liked that he wanted more transpar- of his campaign seems to be general opposition to the fits the bill, however he may find it hard to connect ency in Union operations, particularly in the wake of Green Paper’s Union ideas – like most of his competi- his policies with the average, politically-apathetic the college Access scheme. Perhaps his weak point tors, really. We felt that he was a strong political voice, student. Having said that, he also wants to increase will be carving out a solid section of support among and demonstrated clear passion, but we wanted to the presence of clubs and societies on other campus- voters, given he lacks the sense of community other hear more articulated and detailed solutions from him. es and expand the Access partners in Newtown. candidates enjoy in either their faculties or club involvement. That said, he’s one to watch. THE QUIZZES THE ‘PERSONALITY’ QUIZ Like in previous years, we decided to test each candidate. We knew they could talk How do you take your coffee, where do you buy it and who makes it? the talk, but could they walk the walk? We told them there would be a quiz, assuming JAMES: Cappucino. I love coffee, but it’s a luxury for people who love sleep. they would study up on Union/Uni trivia (Quiz 1). We DIDN’T tell them that unlike PETER: Flat white, Azzuri, Michael. in previous years we wanted to test their knowledge of campus life (Quiz 2), or that PAT: Double shot expresso caramel latté. we were going to make the quizzes hard. Very hard. In the end, James topped Quiz 1, BEN: I don’t drink coffee, prefer fruit and water. Belle sold me my schnitzel while Alistair left the others behind in Quiz 2 - and did the best overall. Kudos. and chips today though. To take the quizzes yourself, go to ‘BLETCHLEY PARK’ on PAGE 20. Can you come up with a campaign slogan for a competitor? PETER: ‘He’s got flair. Vote for Alistair.’ TIM: ‘TANGTWISTER’ HONI HONI ISSUES THIS ELECTION: Green Paper, Union Independence, College Access Cards, Manning’s Future, Student Services HONI All interviews and candidate profiles were done by Dave Mack, Anusha Rutnam and Henry Hawthorne, none of who are supporting candidates PAT SIBELLA VIV MASSARANI MATTHEWS MOXAM- Quiz 1: 43.3% Quiz 1: 70% Quiz 1: 60% Quiz 2: 25% Quiz 2: 41.7% HALL Quiz 2: 33% Quiz 1: 40% We’ve written in previous Involved in SULS and Fine Quiz 2: 22.2% Arts Soc, Sibella is in her editions about Pat’s surpris- Viv, in her 4th year of Sci- ing turn as ‘the (sole) college 3rd year of an Economics and Social Science/Law de- ence, was a 2009 O-Week candidate’ but it’s worth re- director and is a flautist peating that he is swiftly evolving into a student politi- gree. Her practical focus on student services immediately distinguished her from with the Sydney Uni Wind cal machine, in running for the SRC, Senate and Union Orchestra, which we hope above hope she’ll be in under a year. In his 2nd year of Arts/Law and resident other candidates’ emphasis on the philosophical and financial protection of the Union. We loved all her exploiting in the campaign. She’s also the NLS (Labor at Paul’s, Pat sits on the SRC as a Labor Right member, Left) candidate, but peculiarly, she only joined the but is running here as an independent, which we find ideas: a recreation library with DVDs and magazines for Access card holders (like at Monash and Mel- group a few weeks ago. She says she agrees with NLS confusing. Like other candidates, his central platform is values though it also seemed that the benefits of run- maintaining Union independence, but also wants to in- bourne), free WiFi for Access members, better quality Union catering and more sponsorship and logisti- ning with the largest political faction on campus had troduce Moonlight film screenings and improve college not escaped her notice: more support and a campaign services. He said he’d send us a more detailed policy cal support for the clubs and socs. She talked of a possible ‘joint venture’ between the Uni and Union manager in friend Lizzy Watt (who could not run Viv document but that didn’t arrive before our deadline. Pat unless she was NLS too). We like that NLS is putting lives and breathes student politics and it’s always rea- in terms of catering, showing she could engage with the Green Paper and offer practical solutions. It was forward a fresh (and abundantly friendly) face in Viv suring when candidates (and Board members) know the but we’re not sure how she’ll go in the dirty world name of the game, but we weren’t entirely convinced genuinely refreshing to hear a candidate speak of the Union needing to “lift its game”, in terms of member of student politics and the fierce NLS caucus; she that he’s been as immersed in the Union as some of the seemed a little nervous in our interview, but im- other candidates. In short, this could be just be another incentives and college services, and Sibella may just be the person to do that. That said, she faces a few pressed us with her articulate summary of the Green step on the political ladder for him. He’s certainly a Paper. She’s for Access installment payments (great capable candidate, but mobilising the unwashed colle- challenges in not pigeonholing herself as ‘the law candidate’ and not getting too sidelined from the idea) and a stronger environmental program. She gate masses is not easy task. Also, he was reading Honi admitted to us that she didn’t know about the college whilst we were trying to interview him. Tut tut. broader Green Paper debate. Nevertheless she was certainly one of the strongest interviewees. Access scheme, which we felt was honest of her but worrying.

ALISTAIR BEN DEB THE ELECTION STEPHENSON TANG WHITE Every year students on campus elect new mem- Quiz 1: 36.7% bers to the University of Sydney Union’s Board Quiz 1: 80% Quiz 1: 33.3% Quiz 2: 33.3% Quiz 2: 79% Quiz 2: 33.3% of Directors. These ‘Board Directors’ then serve a A 2nd year International two year term. All up, there are 11 Board mem- Ben is a science student Studies/Law student, Deb bers (plus the Immediate Past President), but they who says he gained a is running as the Unity have staggered terms. This year, five are stepping new appreciation for uni (Labor Right) candidate down, meaning five new members will need to be life after taking a year off and has been with the fac- elected. and working full time. He tion for a couple of years. wants to make the union She describes herself as a The Union has an affirmative action policy, mean- more inclusive and had a neat idea for an “Access “pragmatic leftie”, and has executive experience in ing at least two of those elected this year will Light” scheme which would involve a cheaper Union the Public Speaking Society and International and be women. Last year, this policy meant current membership that only provided retail discounts (not Global Studies Society, as well as serving as Education club membership). He’s also going to run on a Fair Director for the Model UN Society. She impressed director Mel Brooks was elected, despite receiving Trade platform, and said he sees himself as a bit of an us with her attention to and consideration of other fewer votes than Michael Falk, who missed out. outsider in not being a debater or law, commerce or campuses, saying she thought the Union needed to business student, although he has been helping out do much more for the non-Camperdown kids. Like a The Union’s Board forumulates USU policy and in other student elections. We liked that he’s bring- few other candidates, she did seem to be running on oversees the commercial operations of the Union ing new ideas and personality to the race, but felt his a platform of vague opposition to the Green Paper’s and its student services. Every year, the USU opinions on the major issues facing the Union weren’t proposals, but put forward an idea for a day students’ brings you O-Week, VERGE, all the clubs and as loud or extensively researched as some of his com- lounge and kitchen in Wentworth, which we liked the socities, The Bull, the revues, Manning Bar (also.... petitors. Maybe this will make him a more appealing sound of until we pictured 35,000 students queuing Hermann’s), Access discounts, debating and much ‘everyman’ in the end, in steering clear of the more for one microwave. When asked about the college ac- more. They also negotiate with the University on aggressive voices in the campaign, or alternatively he cess scheme, she thought for a second before admit- could always pull a Dave Mann and put his face on ting that college was not a “focus” of her campaign. behalf of the services they run for students. all his posters and run as ‘Mr Handsome.’ Whatever On the whole, she’s cheery and bright and that might works. just get her over the line. What isn’t as widely known are some of the perks that the Board Directors receive. In addition to their monthly Honararium of (roughly) $160, they receive a daily food allowance of $11, plus entry THE ‘PERSONALITY’ QUIZ to all Union events at Manning (including Beach- ball and Snowball). They might even get entry to How do you take your coffee, where do you buy it and who makes it? ALISTAIR: “SIbella - ella -ella -eh -eh -eh” lactose-intolerent chimpanzee would have deserved to Manning concerts organised by external promot- JAMES: Cappucino. I love coffee, but it’s a luxury for people who love sleep. DEB: “Alistairway to Heaven” beat Avatar. PETER: Flat white, Azzuri, Michael. ers, if they’re lucky. But of course, no one runs just PAT: Double shot expresso caramel latté. Did you see The Hurt Locker? Did it deserve to beat What did you dream about last night? for the perks... BEN: I don’t drink coffee, prefer fruit and water. Belle sold me my schnitzel Avatar at the Oscars? SIBELLA: That I was running in a student election at and chips today though. SIBELLA: No, and I haven’t seen Avatar. Pathetic. I hear Hogwarts and my campaign colour was brown. ELECTION DAY IS WEDNESDAY MAY 12. The Hurt Locker is better in 3D. VIV: Alistair and I were having a ‘campaign off’. It To vote, you DO NOT require an Access Can you come up with a campaign slogan for a competitor? DEB: Yes. Avatar was too depressing - the characterrs would have been cooler if we were rapping. PETER: ‘He’s got flair. Vote for Alistair.’ were always so blue. HILTIN: There is a mystical belief in China that we don’t card, just some form of Photo ID. You will TIM: ‘TANGTWISTER’ TOM: Yes. That being said, a postmodern depiction of a share our dreams. fill out a form to become an ‘Associate Member’, allowing you to vote. USU Elections 2010 HONI All interviews and candidate profiles were done by Dave Mack, Anusha Rutnam and Henry Hawthorne, none of who are supporting candidates 18

14 SPECIAL REPORT Diagnosing In the 2007 Census it was estimated that 150,000 Australians consider themselves part of the . Henry Hawthorne, Anusha Rutnam and Diana Tjoeng threw cynicism and Tom Cruise-opposition to the wind to see what this controversial religion/philosophy/cult/lifestyle/mystery could offer.

sign at the entrance to the Church Could you agree to “strict discipline”? salesmanship. Marketing is present from of the Divine can’t be subject to scrutiny. A of Scientology reads ‘Free IQ and All purely hypothetical, I’m reassured. the get-go, and I’m told that many of Personality Test’. Quite aside from my questions about the religion can only Why, then, can I criticise Scientology? Is the narcissistic desire to see graphs Whilst waiting for my results to be be answered by purchasing Ron’s books it based on anything more than a feeling? about myself, I’m attracted by the tabulated I’m invited to watch an or DVDs. The Church also strives for Feeling certainly plays a strong part. aura of absurdity that surrounds this instructional DVD on Dianetics, which is authenticity; the personality test is titled After hearing a sermon in a Cathedral, religion. The well-known fact is that when I first notice the unsettling disjunct the ‘Oxford Capacity Analysis™’ in lighting candles at a Buddhist temple it’s founded by a sci-fi author, L. Ron between my immediate surroundings an attempt to import the credibility of or observing silence at a Synagogue, Hubbard (or ‘Ron’, once you’re on the and the many products that line the Oxford University, a credibility otherwise I leave with a feeling of elation, of inside) and based upon his descriptions Church’s walls. In stark contrast to the lacking in the distinctly unscientific cleanliness, or at least calmness. More of transgalactic migration by our alien architecture of most places of worship, Scientology. Various instruments importantly, however, I can access their forbears. Mixed with this absurdity, the Church embraces an aesthetic with wires and dials claim to be able faith without forking out $29.99 for however, is a hint of danger; I recall mundanity matched only by the modern to accurately read your stress levels. one of the thousands of products being Senator Nick Xenophon’s demands for office space: the carpet is grey, the Even Christian iconography such as sold. Beyond the short-lived impact that an inquiry into the religion, and the sign computer monitors flicker, the many the crucifix is utilised by the Church, the experience had on me, however, is begins to exude a palpable menace: Will closed doors issue in and out anonymous not because of any connection with the effect that Scientology has on those I exit a devout Scientologist? Will the personages bearing cups of tea. Christianity, we’re told, but for purposes who actually do buy their products, who results of the personality test reveal that of religious familiarity. stop taking their medication, or who I am their supreme leader? Is my mind Yet within the television’s frame is a engage in ‘disconnection policy’, which an Enlightened Fortress of Logic, or will different Scientology altogether. A spry Given that the value of relativism encourages severance with any family it crumble in the face of subconscious and assured American accent recounts seems to have reached all new heights and friends antagonistic to Scientology. propaganda? in rounded tones the promise held in cultural and political exchange, I by studying ‘engrams’, ‘datums’, and have an inbuilt hesitation in criticising These are, of course, just my opinions. I enter hypervigilant, on the lookout for ‘perceptics’, whilst a vaselined lens filters Scientology. A similar hesitation might Perhaps my only glimpse at the truth video cameras, probing devices and, through my potential life of explain why Xenophon’s call for an was when my pronunciation of Thetan, above all, aliens. Instead, I’m politely perfection. These high production inquiry was shouted down, or why ‘thee-tan’ (definition: my 76 trillion seated at a wholly unremarkable desk values are present in all of the many Scientology was eventually granted year-old being), was corrected to ‘thay- and told to take my time on the 200 plastic-wrapped help-kits, books and religious status after appealing to the tan’, effectively how someone with a lisp multiple choice questions, familiar in DVDs around the Church, suggesting an High Court (where it was nonetheless would pronounce ‘sa-tan’. But I’m not nature to anyone who has done a Myer- elaborate hierarchy that separates these noted that “charlatanism is a necessary one to draw implications. Briggs personality test. A few questions American religious commodities from price of religious freedom”). Relativism in particular set the alarms bells ringing: their Australian distributors. is nowhere easier applied than to H.H. Would the idea of making a complete The tone is, after all, one of religion, where the unquantifiable nature new start cause you much concern? his knees exclaimed “We’ve gotta get you no such thing). James asked me about boyfriend and I had broken up earlier off that shit straight away.” nce finished with our personality various aspects of my life but I could this year. “How do you feel when you tests we were introduced to the barely get a reading on the thing. He told O see him?” James asked. “Affection,” I meekly suggested that the medication Church representative who would talk us me that he thought that perhaps I had a I replied. “So you want to get back had helped me a lot over the past few through our results. James* was young, friend who was sapping the energy out with him.” (this was a statement, not a years (this is true.) He said that while the personable and good-looking in a jockish of me, an emotional drain. I began to question). “Err…” drugs might make me feel good, they way – no doubt a good representative feel like I was talking to a fortune-teller. weren’t treating my underlying problems for the church. Unfortunately my When I informed him of my interest in (still as yet unidentified). I told him that test results were not good. In fact, he Knowing, as many do, about pursuing the study of fashion history as I started taking the medication when my informed me with an air of urgency, Scientology’s hostile stance on psychiatry a career he seemed almost incredulous father was diagnosed with cancer and he they were terrible. I was in the danger and depression medication, I wasn’t sure that my family didn’t disapprove of my said that his father had died when James zone for nearly every area of the test. going in whether I would divulge that I choice. “Maybe they think you won’t was very young. Dianetics had helped Most seriously, my happiness levels were myself had been on anti-depressants for make enough money?” Nope. Sorry, him through that tough time he said. at minus 80 and (a little cloud symbol over two years. I’m not entirely sure why James. We were running out of areas to I was starting to feel like shit. I cut the denoted) I was manically depressed and I did mention it in the end, but perhaps attribute by my disturbing test results to. interview short, feeling the unappealing bi-polar. Bummer. it was because I was starting to feel sorry What was wrong with my life? combination of pity and resentment for James who seemed so earnestly keen towards James. It was interesting watching James trying on finding the source of my problems. In the pursuit of answers I was wired to fit various aspects of my life into His response was not a surprise and yet up to the fabled ‘stress test’ machine, A.R. neat (rather clichéd, it must be said) it still shocked me. He physically reeled which was not as I had hoped a Thetan *Name has been changed. compartments. He asked if I was in back and then slapping both hands on level tester (James informed me there is a relationship and I replied that my

possible. As we were awaiting our results, and me discussed my results sat the But, of course, I couldn’t escape that e figured that as three fairly I inspected the colourful pictures on the aforementioned dooberwacky. James easily. decent people, one of us would W wall depicting what the headquarters said to me, “the pictures in people’s surely emerge as the Messiah of on Castlereagh St (currently undergoing minds generate electricity that can be “Except you have a huge dip here at Scientology. My bet was on Henry. renovations) will look like very soon – measured on this machine”. He placed ‘responsibility’,” James pointed out. Turns out I was wrong. So wrong. chic and complete with a café so you can the two metal cylinders in my hand and “‘Responsibility’ here refers to how Wrong about my entire life up until live, breathe and eat Scientology. told me to visualise a recent argument much you feel you can control what’s that point, as, ladies and gentlemen… I had had. The needle on the machine happening in your life. So what situation it turns out I’m the true victor of the From the dianetics video, I learnt that moved slightly. It was positively space- in your life do you feel like you can’t Scientology personality test. Scientologists believe that all of our age. James said that the machine was control?” unpleasant experiences are recorded in used in counselling sessions conducted at How did this happen? Well, maybe it our “” and come back to the church: unpleasant experiences were He prodded and poked around a bit was because I answered “yes” to such haunt us again and again – unless we identified through the machine then but couldn’t really latch onto a terrible questions as “Do you ever whistle or find a way to recall these bad memories discussed. situation. And for that, I think he was sing for no reason?” and “no” to the and dispel them. truly disappointed. repetitive onslaught of questions that When it got to my test results, James asked “Do you feel depressed?” At the This is where the Stress Test comes seemed perplexed. “Hmm...looks like time, what I really felt was a need for into play. Upon the table where James you’re already quite happy,” he said. D. T. the tedious test to end as quickly as The Usual Suspects 1915 heavens in a shroud of white light too have all the credentials and wisdom Wanderlust (although many present would have needed to be a fashion blogger. argued otherwise), but the lanky Dutch all up in Nicole Buskiewicz goes in search DJ wreaked a similar effect on his eager Fashion bloggers are sycophantic with of more than the Vengaboys on an disciples. Standing behind his turntables, praise for Tom Ford, for Fendi, for island named Ibiza. elevated above the crowd, Tiësto raised my grill: fluoro bike shorts or whatever it is that his hands in the air. And then, He let it television, marketing and advertising In a darkened room, illuminated only rip. dictate is fashionable. Indeed, just like by the short, sharp spurts of neon FASHION BLOGS the fashion industry and its devotees, lights, a liquorice allsorts of humans Ibiza’s Privilege nightclub is the world’s To repeat the immortal words of the fashion bloggers are notoriously congregate: blonde girls in sequined largest. It comes complete with a pool, Heidi Klum, “one day you’re in and fickle and narrow-minded. Where are bikinis, shirtless men whose bulging opening roof and a moat (of course). It’s the next day you’re out”. When it the blogs devoted to Salman Rushdie’s shoulder muscles tickle their earlobes. home to some of the most revered DJs: comes to fashion blogs and fashion facial hair, the orthotic footwear of The Monday night resident Tiësto was voted bloggers, they’re out. Golden Girls or to the man that epitomises In the VIP area, 50-something men number one consecutively in 2003, 2004 military chic, Colonel Gaddafi? Now have 20-something girls dangling and 2005 and second every other year In 2010, a new generation of fashion those would be fashion blogs worth off their shoulders like Christmas since. bloggers have found their way to a reading. decorations. In an unassuming corner a keyboard. The problem is that they’re teenage lad bobs his head coolly, trying Have no misconceptions, partying in boring. Not even The Bucket List According to philosopher Alain de to distract himself from his ma and pa Ibiza is not to be taken lightly. Every boring, they are Winter Olympics, slip Botton, our society has “pegged certain who watch two steps away. night is a Saturday night; clubs don’t into a coma boring. Despite simply emotional rewards to the acquisition of sleep until the early hours of tomorrow rehashing tired ideas from Vogue, material goods” and I believe fashion Worlds apart though these souls and your hearing mightn’t ever really discussing their favourite Gossip Girl blogs have become the newest arena in may be, they are here with one clear bounce back to that same crisp clarity episode, or quoting Karl Largerfeld, which that link has been made. I am purpose. They know it, because in (although if Apple play their cards these fashion bloggers have the not arguing for an end to fashion blogs, perfect unison they start to chant: “Ti- right hearing-aids will be the must have audacity to believe their opinions are rather I’m calling for blogs with original ës-to! Ti-ës-to! Ti-ës-to!” accessory for our sixties). worth sharing. authorship. To be worthy of readership, fashion blogs should be expressive and Raised above the crowd on one of the The music is loud, everything costs The typical fashion blogger is a girl offer something new to an already club’s scattered podiums, a slippery double what it should, there are too with an inflated ego and a heavy saturated market. Rather than telling a specimen of bulging muscle proclaims, many sunburnt Brits in matching singlets fringe. Between going to the gym, reader to wear that dress so she can be “Tiësto is God!” while beating his bare about, and you are guaranteed to leave tanning and posing in a photo-booth Nicholas Sarkozy’s next wife, bloggers chest with two closed fists. with a severely weakened immune with her gay best friend, she blogs. If should write about their own ideas, system, maybe even a tattoo. But take my you have ever watched Project Runway, fashionable or otherwise. And sure enough their God did come. word on this one: you will come crawling your reading list includes Harpers Maybe he did not descend from the back for more. Bazaar and you own a computer, you Monica Connors

Zero now takes on a whole new meaning on these club memberships, not only for A SPORTING CHANCE So what does this whole catastrophe mean the Storm, but for other NRL clubs too? Kirsten Wade thinks a storm is with the club losing all the points they have accumulated so far this season as well as for the players, the staff, the NRL and the With the Storm the only team south of coming for dogdgy NRL dealings. not being able to accrue any further points city of Melbourne itself ? For the Melbourne the NSW border, this controversy could So, it turns out we were all wrong! We all this year. What pulls at the heart strings, players, 2010 will mean the dreaded title have not only a negative, but also a lasting thought that high profile Melbourne Storm particularly of the oblivious Melbourne fans, of the wooden spoon. But even before that, impact on the game of NRL in Victoria. players loved the NRL, their team and is that the Storm have been stripped of their with nothing to play for, what will make the And for the city of Melbourne, the NRL their state of Victoria so much that they two previous premierships, and three minor Melbourne team turn up week in, week out was only just starting to really take off with played for much less money than what is premierships. And it isn’t just the Storm for the next 20 or so weeks? Sportsmanship? an increasing fan and support base for deemed well paid. Well, we were as far off fans battling with emotions. Manly and Pride? Unfortunately, most of that has NRL in the traditionally AFL-dominated the mark as a sketch from the Matty Johns’ Eels fans are up in arms, declaring that they been shattered! For the staff, the finger city. However, when the Storm’s brand new Show. The careers of players like Captain are now owed the titles of Premiers for the pointing has only just begun. Who were the stadium opens in a few weeks time, the Cameron Smith and flying Fullback Billy years of 2007 and 2009 respectively having masterminds? Who knew, but didn’t tell? stands may be a lot emptier than what was Slater, and not to mention ‘super’ Coach been beaten by Melbourne in those years. Who was oblivious to the whole situation? originally hoped. Craig Bellamy, have been put into jeopardy Even though NRL CEO David Gallop has No doubt the culprits will soon be caught. with the announcement late last week that already thrown out these suggestions, the The ramifications have the potential to be the Storm have been involved in a long- question is; do these two clubs deserve the The NRL had made 2010 the year to really huge and all we can do is wait with bated term salary cap breach. title by default? Melbourne and the other promote and encourage fans to become club breath for further repercussions of this thirteen teams certainly don’t think so! members. What impact will this news have media-dominating issue to come to light…

HONI'S SOUNDTRACK TO . . . RUNNING FOR UNION BOARD Bridie Connellan thinks candidates should set their headphones from stun to kill on election day. 1. Opening Credits (Survivor- 4. Voter-Stalking (Radiohead- ‘Soundtrack to the Apocalypse’ by metal 11. The Result (W.G. Snuffy ‘Eye of the Tiger’) ‘Electioneering’) outfit Slayer. Walden - ‘West Wing Theme’) Ever an iconic pre-event montage You there! Girl in the turquoise, avoiding 8. Poll Shutdown (Deee-Lite - ‘Vote, As the outcome looms, Hermann’s tune, the last weeks of your life may my friendly gaze! Have you voted yet? Baby, Vote!’) is suddenly filled with overlayed flags be visualised by a series of flash shots Huh, fool? Huh? Care to be escorted While referring to potential voters as whilst candidates freeze individually in with more pump than a trike tyre. over the line by a moving rainbow? your quote unquote ‘baby’ might not nametagged grayscale. A track to put Face to face, out in the heat, who Gents, think we’re going to need more be the most effective means of dragging a Sheen on the past three months of indeed good sirs and madams will cowbell… people off the lawns to tick a box, the your life. have the skills to survive? 5. Over the Line (Grandmaster breaks and drum fills in this little snippet 12. The Win (Mr. President - 2. The Morning Psych (Frank Flash - ‘The Message’) will have the populace grapevinin’, ‘Coco Jamboo’) Sinatra - ‘High Hopes’) Words of advice in the bear pit to help pumpin’ and poppin’ their way to the So the overpriced t-shirts were worth With versions advocating optimism one from going under. A must for when booths. Pretty self-explanatory really. Just it. Sip some lemonade-a. for both J.F.K.’s campaign or rubber- one is rather close to the edge in the do it. 13. The Loss (The Smiths- tree plants, put your game face on to Fisher Jungle. 9. Last Votes (Europe - ‘The Final ‘Heaven Knows I’m Miserable this jolly jaunt of a justified jingle. 6. Café-Bashing (Randy Newman- Countdown’) Now’) 3. Polls Open (Public Enemy- ‘You’ve Got A Friend in Me’) Preferably with smoke machine, falsetto On the flip side of the coin, put a ‘Fight the Power’) Pop on those nice-guy pants and stroll shrieks, leather chaps and magenta light band-aid on that wounded ego and Brothers and sisters, time to fight through Manning like every voter buddy show. Just don’t blow your spending cap drown your sorrows with a Morrissey them powers that be. Civil rights are you greet is the Buzz to your Woody. or that glitterglue may be audited. croon and a pint. Chin up champs, swept under the rug as voters are 7. Flyering Brawl (Rage Against 10. Counting and Re-counting there’s always SRC. jostled, hounded and chase-dizzled the Machine - ‘Killing in the (‘Jeopardy Think Theme’) on their merry way to library bliss. Name’) The tension, the sheer jovial TENSION. Election Flava begins. At this stage, you may just opt to toss Somebody shoot that dastardly this entire list to the side and plug into xylophone player in the corner. Stat. 16 The SRC Reports President's Report Report of the SRC President, Elly Howse // [email protected]

On Monday 19th April your SRC education is a significant barrier for many What’s happening at our university? that it’s also a postgraduate entry-level frantically finished off the response to the high school students and young people, degree. When I pointed out to the Dean University’s Green Paper. It was a very then postgraduate education is even In case you haven’t heard, there’s been a of Dentistry that you don’t have to make crazy few days that involved my Indesign worse. Income support is much more big interest by Faculties to cover funding a degree postgraduate in order to improve conveniently not saving for a few hours accessible for undergraduate students shortfalls or overspending by changing or change the teaching style, he seemed and deleting my work, and I’d just like to than postgrad students. Plus the Federal undergraduate degrees into postgraduate confused at my question. Hmmm… thank all of the students and staff who Government has a ban on Domestic degrees – whether they are ‘professional gave me their points, let me babble on Undergraduate Full Fee places (which Masters’ or ‘coursework doctorates’. Are we moving to a Melbourne about my ideas and then took the time NUS and the SRC campaigned on in This happened a few years ago in Health Model-style? to write something. I’d particularly like 2007). DUFF places were for students Sciences; no longer is there a Bachelor to thank SRC Office-bearers plus the who could basically pay their way in to of Physiotherapy, only a Masters of No one knows! The Green Paper seemed amazing Casework and Policy SRC staff, university – for thousands of dollars a Physiotherapy. And guess what? That to be moving in the opposite direction – especially Charlotte who helped me out year, you could get your UAI raised to get Masters of Physiotherapy is significantly that is, focusing on a decent, experience after the fiasco with Indesign. The SRC in to Arts, Law, Commerce, whatever you more expensive and has full fee places. It’s undergraduate education followed by an Response is up on our website, so check it wanted. So it advantaged students who also happened in Architecture and there’s emphasis on postgraduate research, not out! You can also check out the responses could pay over students who couldn’t. even now a Masters of Engineering coursework. from SUPRA and the USU. combined with a Graduate Diploma. But currently there is no ban on But…if the University thinks the One thing we mentioned in our Green domestic full fees for postgraduate More recently, the introduction of Melbourne Model works well, then Paper response was the importance students, which means it’s become a ‘coursework doctorates’ has been why don’t they go ahead and change of strong, specialised undergraduate very lucrative business for universities to worrying for students, not to mention the everything officially, rather than being education. We did this for a few reasons. move undergraduate-level degrees to a University which has no official policy vague and ambiguous, which leaves a lot postgraduate level in order to have full around them. The Law Faculty was of students wondering – “Where’s our Firstly, there’s been a trend towards fee places. Yes, universities are under granted permission to introduce the Juris University going?” ‘postgraduatisation’ of degrees and financial constraints because of the low Doctor (JD) from 2011 to replace the courses in higher education in Australia levels of Federal funding, but why should Graduate LLB. This JD is postgraduate, The SRC supports intensive, focused and eg. The Melbourne Model, where you that mean that students bear the brunt unlike the Grad LLB, so domestic full specialised undergraduate education. have a very general undergraduate degree of that? Having domestic full fee places fees can be charged. But many students Moving towards a purely postgraduate followed by a specialised postgraduate is, at the heart of it, reserving places for have commented that this new degree model is exclusive and shuts out people degree. Secondly, the University itself students who can afford to pay. We’re is essentially the old degree, just with a who can’t afford to do two or three said in the Green Paper that they talking about degrees that cost at least new name and other ‘cosmetic’ changes. degrees in order to be qualified for a wouldn’t be moving towards a Melbourne $85,000, the current FEE-HELP cap Now students are wondering why it particular skills area. Model-style of education. Thirdly, I being around that mark for most degrees. will be so difficult for them to transfer don’t think everyone should have to do a What does this mean? If you go over the – the uni has a policy of not giving What can we do about it? postgraduate degree to get a job or to be FEE-HELP limit, you have to pay upfront credit for postgraduate-level units from eligible to work in a particular area (ie. the rest of your fees or your enrolment / undergraduate study. Keep your eyes open for what’s Law, dentistry, vet science). place in the degree is cancelled. Plus, for happening in your own faculty. Get students from financially and culturally- Likewise, the Faculty of Dentistry has involved with the SRC and SUPRA – we So what’s wrong with moving disadvantaged backgrounds, there is such become interested in replacing the will be meeting soon to discuss campaign towards a postgraduate education a huge level of debt-aversion that it’s Bachelor of Dentistry (a graduate-entry strategies through the ‘Education Action model? hard enough for those students to take on undergraduate degree) with a Doctor Group’. HECS debts, let alone full fee debts! of Dental Medicine. Surprise, surprise! (And keep in mind I’m not talking about The DDM is basically the same degree, And remember, this is your education undergraduate degrees that are graduate but with ‘different teaching methods and we’re talking about – you may have to entry). Essentially if undergraduate styles’. Oh and the ‘unimportant’ point fight to protect it!

Get involved.... International Students' Meeting Education Action Group: 1pm Tuesdays, ((Quadrangle S441)) First Campaign meeting for the year for International Women's Collective: 1pm Thursdays, Holme Women's Room. Student Transport Concessions Queer Collective: 2pm Mondays, Queer Space Holme Building FRIDAY 30th April, 12-2pm in SUPRA offices Darlington Environment Collectives: contact: [email protected] Student Enviro Action Collective (SEAC): 1pm Mondays, Botany Lawns Climate Action Collective: 1pm Mondays, Chancellors Lawns Notice of Council Meeting International Students: Check your email for updates Meetings are held on the first Tuesday of the month @ 6pm in Eastern Avenue Seminar Room 405 May 4th, June 1st, 3rd August, 7th September, 5th October For agenda contact: [email protected] 17 General Secretary's Report Ask Abe Report of the General Secretary, Donherra Walmsley // [email protected] Q & A with students who need help and a dog who has This week, the campaign to be This year it’s more important than ever campus life. We will be using the data all the answers. . . elected as a Board Director of the that you take an interest in what your you provide to lobby the university and University of Sydney Union begins. student organisations are doing, so the government to address areas you Send your letters to: As has been mentioned many times make sure you know the policies of the identify as being of concern – and if all [email protected] in these pages over the last few weeks, Union Board candidates and vote in the the surveys from Sydney Uni say that the University made a number of elections – but don’t stop there! Let the we want our bars to be run by students concerning comments regarding University know that you think students for students, it will make a pretty strong Dear Abe, student organisations in the Green should have control of student affairs by statement to the university. Paper, including the suggestion that sending an email to the Vice Chancellor. they should take over the bars and You can also fill out the National Union Head to www.unistudent.com.au to fill I recently withdrew from one of other retail and food outlets on campus of Students’ quality survey – let us know out the quality survey today – it takes my subjects. I defer my HECS currently run by students. what you think of tute sizes, lecturer/ about 5 minutes and the information tutor availability, quality of facilities, and you provide will be invaluable! payments and am now wondering if I still have a HECS debt for the subject? Report of the Education Officer, Gabriel Dain // [email protected] Education Report Uni student Student Life, Student Run services can be run for the benefit of its subsidised with money the USU makes It’s been a slow week, so I thought I’d members, rather than an organisation’s through its food and beverage outlets. bank account. This would not be the case Without the revenue from bars, cafes, write about what is going on down the Dear Uni student road, in the University of Sydney Union if the University took over; Sydney is in and other outlets, the USU would have (USU) offices, and express my opinion. financial hardship, and there would be to rely on funding from the university to no reason for management to keep prices run the C&S program. This could lead If you withdrew from the subject As you may have heard, the university is low. Our extremely high course fees are a to the university having a say in what planning to take over all food, beverage good example of the University’s “if you sort of activities are to be funded, and prior to the HECS census date, can’t afford to eat here, go somewhere which ones aren’t. Would a publication and retail outlets on campus, which that is Friday 31 March, the debt are currently run by the USU. Their else” philosophy. criticising the university get funding? argument is that they could be run Would political societies? Would we have will have been automatically My second worry is about accountability. events like Snowball, Beachball, Verge, better, and that the university has a remitted or removed. If you responsibility to ensure that the student We as members of the USU elect Board and revues? Who knows. experience you get at Sydney is the best it Directors every year. We vote for them withdrew after this date you will could be, down to the range of beers sold based on their policy, and we make sure I was happy to see that every single in Manning. Though not explicitly stated that they keep their election promises. A candidate for Union Board this need to apply to have this debt in the Green Paper, it was made clear by good example of this is the Fair Trade year supports a fully independent remitted. the Vice-Chancellor, Michael Spence, Coffee referendum: on the 12th of May, USU. I congratulate all of them for at the Green Paper Forum organised we will go to a vote to direct the Union taking a stance against the university. by the USU, SUPRA and the SRC that Board as to its policy regarding Fair Campaigning for the Union Board A HECS-HELP debt may be he wants to take over the University of Trade. This is not a petition, which the elections starts this week, and you will Sydney Venue Collections, also currently Union can throw away: the referendum see posters, graffiti, you will be handed remitted where a student has run by the USU. I find this problematic gives direct orders to the Union. We leaflets, get lecture bashed, and talk to encountered special circumstances on many levels. could never do this with the University. a candidate. I urge you to listen to what Trust me, it takes much more than they are saying, and vote on the 12th of after 31 March that were beyond My first worry is one of equity and waving signed petitions in management’s May. Voting is more important this year their control, and made it accessibility. The USU benefits from face to get them to do anything. than it has ever been. Please show the keeping food and beverage prices university that you want student life to be impracticable for the student to low and discounts high. It attracts Thirdly, lastly, and perhaps most student run. complete the course requirements. more students to buy memberships importantly, University-run outlets and participate in campus life. Paid would severely jeopardise the USU’s Union Board Elections Voting Day – Examples of special circumstances membership to the USU ensures that independence. Clubs and Societies are Wednesday 12th of May may include, but are not limited to, Medical and Family/personal reasons. Report of the Women’s Officer, Rosie Ryan // [email protected] Women's Report You can download the relevant Last Thursday the Women’s Collective deterred woman from having backyard Secondly, the idea that a woman needs and other pro-choice students on campus abortions and it left women in a position to have her decisions about her body form with useful information to attended a forum put on as part of where the men in their lives could policed for fear that the men around her help you at the Catholics on Campus Life Week, pressure them into getting an abortion. will pressure her into having an abortion “Abortion and the Law.” is deeply offensive. Reproductive choice www.usyd.edu.au/current_ Firstly, the fact that there is still a chance is essential for women to have autonomy students/student_administration/ We attended this forum because we that you can be charged for procuring over their own bodies. Women should be believed it is important demonstrate that an abortion under our Criminal Code able to easily access unbiased information hecs_fees.shtml there is a strong pro-choice presence on is exactly the reason there are still major about all options available to them, and campus and to challenge those anti- issues with women gaining access to if they decide they want an abortion they choice views being espoused at the forum. safe, affordable abortions in our state. should not be blocked from this option Applications for remission should Holding individuals who procure an by location, socio-economic status or any be made within 12 months of The speaker was Dr Cathy Lennon, a abortion up publicly and forcing them other factor. It is a service that must be spokesperson for Right to Life Australia through the trauma of a media circus and free, accessible and safe. having discontinued your studies. and Doctors for Life, who is a practicing legal trials, as is happening to a teenage GP in Sydney and lobbies for the couple in Cairns at the moment, does not Women’s Collective meets every strengthening of anti-choice laws and decrease unsafe abortions. The current Thursday at 1pm in the Holme Women’s For further advice contact the supports anti-choice politicians. case in Cairns has seen many hospitals Room – in amongst overwhelming SRC. and abortion clinics in Queensland stop uni work we are organising a fantastic The thrust of Lennon’s argument was providing abortions for fear of the legal pro-choice campaign to be run on your that the inclusion of abortion in the NSW ramifications. campus. Shoot me an email if you are Abe Criminal Code was important because it interested in getting involved! 18 THE SUPRA POSTGRAD PAGES

SAAO SAYS... Student Accommodation Scams

Dear SAAOs, This type of scam gives you The types of situations we have Regular readers of Honi Soit will sufficient information about the seen are: I live in a unit and my landlord have read that there are people relative who is sick to generate a lives there too. I find that she offering students accommodation flow of sympathy in you (e.g. that • A change in the total number who are actually trying to rip you it is their grandmother or their of people living in the place – a enters my bedroom without off. This arrangement is known as elderly father/mother). student may be told initially that my permission; is rude and a scam (see definition below) and it there will only be 4 people in a arrogant; has ‘house rules’ may lead to you losing money and You let your guard down and their three bedroom unit but then, by that are not fair and keeps next sentence is to the effect that a couple of months later, rooms changing them without notice Scam: Advertising, given the circumstances they need have been let to two or three or discussion. What can I do? promotions or schemes to ‘check’ you are genuine and students and/or areas in parts they ask you to send a deposit of the unit (such as the lounge Unhappy Tenant. which result in the loss via Western Union. You are room) have been divided up of sums of money by the anxious to secure accommodation with a curtain and beds are consumer who responds as you are starting to hear that placed behind the curtain. A Dear Unhappy Tenant, to the advertisement or accommodation near the Uni is three bedroom unit can become scheme or promotions. hard to find. So you send a deposit a home to 7-8 students! This First of all it would make sense and then you get a further couple affects everyone’s access to - souce: The Australian Competition and of emails asking you to send more facilities like the internet, to come to SUPRA to discuss Consumer Commission (ACCC) 2005 booklet money just to be able to get the key the kitchen to cook food, the things with one of our Student The Little Black Book of Scams to look at the place! bathroom, the lounge and so on. Advice and Advocacy Officers to explain in full all that has But when you look into it more, • A change in the ‘house rules’ – happened. You can ultimately still no accommodation! you discover that other students all of a sudden you find there apply to the Consumer, Trader Scams can occur via websites or have also been ripped off like are notices about fines being you, that there never was any imposed because of a decision and Tenancy Tribunal, but it email, in print or verbally during an accommodation at all. The photo by the landlord because of would depend on what your unsolicited phone call. No matter what the method used to promote you were looking at has been taken some alleged ‘breach’ by legal status is as to whether or advertise a scam the main aim of from a real estate agent’s website another tenant. Sometimes you would apply to the General that advertising or promotion is that and the place is owned by someone these notices will say the fine Division (if you are considered the person who is behind it wants who knows nothing of what you are applies to all those in the a boarder or a lodger), or to the to take your money but you get talking about if you go and knock premises whether or not they on the door! were the one “responsible” for Tenancy Division if you are a nothing for it. the breach; or the notice will tenant. Scams that target students Changes to the ‘house rules’ say something like internet or the conditions after you access has been cut off for all The important thing to know until the fine is paid. We are aware that some have moved in is that you don’t have to live accommodation being offered to • A landlord will say untrue like this. There is something students is being offered through This is a type of scam which is things like – ‘In Australia there that you can do about it, so do a misleading and/or deceptive also very common. We find that is no requirement to give a practice. We are also aware that many international students will follow one of our suggestions. receipt for money received’ much of this advertising occurs on specifically look at accommodation (not true: various laws all existing accommodation websites websites provided in their own say that if a person pays a so BEWARE and ensure you language. sum of money for anything SAAO Team actually visit the premises before they must be provided with a signing anything. Some of the landlords who written receipt). Or, if there advertise on these ‘own-language’ is a disagreement about DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING FOR accommodation websites do not interpretation of a ‘house A PLACE YOU HAVE NOT BEEN follow the law, and use the fact that rule’, a landlord will say ABLE TO ACTUALLY GO TO AND they may have been in Australia something like ‘You are just LOOK AT. for longer, or that they now have an international student, no Australian residency as proof that one will listen to you, you have The following are some of the they “know what they are talking no rights in Australia’. Again types of fraudulent practices which about” . They usually say to the this is not true and you can SUPRA knows about: international student ‘What would seek assistance from many you know,? I have been here agencies in NSW, such as via the longer than you’. Bait and switch Department of Fair Trading and from many other agencies. This type of advertisement usually These types of places are usually offers a place to rent that sounds either close to the University or in suburbs where there is a high very good and it may involve a Margaret Kirkby photo of the premises as well. concentration of people from your home country. Student Advice and Advocacy When you email or phone you are Officer (SAAO) told the person is actually overseas caring for a sick relative.

SUPRA’s Annual General Meeting!

SUPRA will be having its Annual General Meeting on May 31 at 5.30pm in the SUPRA Office. More details will be forthcoming, but please save the date! 19 THE SUPRA POSTGRAD PAGES

Q’University: Queer Networks and YOUR Postgraduate the Social Experience Representative Association has the answer for how to get a become effective campaigns when Throughout the 21st century, good queer postgraduate network a large number of people can be Becoming a member of your the presence of queer-identifying happening. involved, and a network needs to postgraduate representative people has continued to rise. While exist, fundamentally, from which to association gives you the following universities have traditionally Historically, this has been a build this action. My firm belief is benefits: been a place for exploring problem SUPRA has seen for some that through social activities, such sexuality as an undergraduate, time. The former SUPRA Queer as the now frequent “Queers for • Access to our confidential many postgraduates are older, Action Collective merged with the Beers”, “Queer for Coffee” and student advice and advocacy more likely to be settled, possibly undergraduate equivalent in 2006 “Queer Bytes” people are brought service and legal service working and attending classes to help battle falling attendance. together to start discussions about • Participate in SUPRA events and at night, and less likely to go on The average queer postgrad event the kinds of changes they want to activities rampages through the Graffiti will attract, at best, two-dozen see. • Receive regular email updates Tunnel. people. To suggest that only 24 of and electronic publications 16,000 postgrad students identify as Collegiality throughout the (eGrad) Being a postgraduate can be queer is naïve. university has been something • Use the SUPRA Resource and an isolating experience. Whilst each school or faculty has tried to Meeting Rooms many hope for a world of address in its own way, • Vote or run in the SUPRA Council collegiality and napping, and this has helped some elections the vast majority of people access like-minded • Actively participate in your postgraduate students students or students with representative student tend to have a university similar research. However, association. experience that’s limited for most of us, there is a to their desk or classroom. need for established social Complete your subscription online at Coursework students networks outside of our www.supra.usyd.edu.au/subscribe with night classes find specific fields of study, if then follow the links if you would it especially hard to only for the sanity it can like to become a SUPRA Supporter. engage with the university bring when dug deep Alternatively you can complete a form community, let alone attend into a hole of thesis or at our stalls or drop into the SUPRA queer activism rallies and coursework. office. other activities on campus. Many research students are SUPRA frequently puts on employed as tutors and lecturers, Queer postgrads are still scared. social events of different types in and so are often reluctant to engage For many us, the University is not order to try to build these networks in the university community for just a place of education, but also – from SUPRA sports, to trivia, to WHERE IS SUPRA? fear of awkward situations when a place of employment, and many BBQs, to end of semester postgrad Address: Raglan St Building G10 they encounter their students in feel uncomfortable exposing their parties - and we’re specifically Darlington Campus social settings. Whilst the myth of personal lives in their workplace. working on making more queer The University of Sydney NSW 2006 the university romance between Many postgrads are also jaded events for postgrads only to lecturer and student might seem from years of undergraduate queer enhance comfort levels. But these Phone: (02) 9351 3715 Toll-free: 1800 249 950 appealing for some (and may politics and feel excluded at times events are only successful with Fax: (02) 9351 6400 happen occasionally), the truth from events targeted at younger your support. We need your input is that misconduct is a far more queer members of society. as to the types of events you want E: [email protected] horrifying prospect. to see available for postgrads. We Web: www.supra.usyd.edu.au With these problems identified, we also need you to come along to What a depressing thought. can begin to address the issue of these events, to help build your Coursework students aren’t inclusivity within both the queer postgraduate communities. on campus engaging and network and postgraduates in

research students avoid their general. One of the failings of any Do you have an event you want to undergraduate colleagues. This is targeted approach is the concept see? Why not email our activities To Main Quad Footbridge City Road obviously a problem, and things that campaigns alone will form an convenor on activites@supra.

only deteriorate further when alliance. Whilst is it true that there usyd.edu.au. Jane Foss Cr Maze Russell Wentworth Maze Cr considering queer postgraduates. will be many students concerned Building SUPRA fights for queers students’ for issues of social justice, and John Nowakowski rights through the Same-Sex certainly marriage equality is SUPRA Secretary Cadigal Green

Marriage campaign, but no one something I believe in, these only Butlin Ave City Road

Merewether Church Lane Maze Cr

Tennis Codrington St Sports & Aquatic Courts SUPRA Elections Centre Visa Seminar Postgrad Sports Lander St Darlington Rd Services Building Registered migration lawyer, Ever wanted to be on the SUPRA Are you looking to keep fit, have a Raglan St council? Now’s your chance! Aristotle Paipetis, will present the social afternoon, and get involved Economics and Business Building next SUPRA migration seminar with the activities that keep your on Friday 7th May. Aris will be Nominations are now open for heart racing? Rose St To Redfern Station speaking about condition 8202 SUPRA Council for the election of Abercrombie St of international student visas and 21 General Councillors, to serve No matter what your level of fitness what it means to “satisfy academic from 1st July 2010 to 30th June come along! If you would like to progression requirements”. 2011. Nominations close at 5pm play soccer, basketball, or there is on May 6, 2010. another sport you think would prove When: 1-3pm, Friday 7th May popular, contact us by email at Where: SUPRA Offices For more information contact [email protected] SUPRA Secretary John Nowakowski at [email protected] 20 The Bletchley Park

THE 23. Never-ending fade of a popular trend (3) 24. I fled Iran and it did too! (3) HONI SOIT 26. With 36-down. Equipment moggie is a confection (3-3) 27. Apple or pumpkin? Sounds like 3.14159265358979323.... 28. Even octopod will softly cry (3) 29. Almost fashionable hotel (3) CROSSWORD 30. Crude iron, split from nitrogen, comes from Brazilian city (3) Across 32. Just before Adam’s sweetheart (3) 1. The first part begins by instantly revealing the hints (5) 33. Shakespearean King sounds like Irish God of the Sea (3) 4. The next part says “Hi Doc, hold sickness” (9) 34. OMG! World of Warcraft! (3) 9. The next part is going wild like a short high pitched sound 35. Pen? Seems correct (5) covering creative pretention (8) 36. See 26-Down 11. The next part is getting no longer relevant as time passes 37. Mock the Scott Joplin piece (3) (6) 38. Overintellectualisation ends up with something very small (3) 14. The next part is a crazy vole (4) 39. Deformed leek, without energy, is a deer (3) 16. The next part is a teen gang? Me confused (10) 40. A small amount of Hamilton, a desirable date in a terrible 2004 romantic 20. The next part is how odd! Me?! A Pro?! Ruin algae!? (8) comedy (3) 22. The next part is an unopened gaff with a sweet melody 41. Inside with Othello? – Smokin’ (3) (6) 25. The next part is mascara, e.g. (4,2) 28. The next part is endless chill with a reverse nerd (8)

31. The next part is that crazy eldest town (6,4)

35. The next part will use an oar backwards with potassium (3) Smokin’ 41.

(4) (3) comedy romantic 2004 terrible a from Hamilton, ___ 40.

37. The next part will get sleepy again (6) (3) deer of Type 39.

40. The next part is the autumn years, and a Stephanie Meyer (3) atom an of Part 38.

series (8) (3) piece Joplin Scott 37.

42. The next part is a thousand baby goats (9) 26-Down See 36.

43. The last part will destroy the ad! (5) (5) Pen 35.

34. OMG! (3) OMG! 34.

Down (3) Sea the of God Irish 33. 2. Gershwin has a disgusting aura (3) (3) sweetheart Adam’s 32.

MARK “MY WORDS” SUTTON

3. Small bird with the French name (5) (3) city Carnivale 30.

9. Bud (3) Bud 9.

5. Bogart the pig (3) (3) Hotel 29.

8. Chase after (3) after Chase 8.

6. Endless lady-boy (3) (3) cry Softly 28.

7. Fedora e.g. (3) e.g. Fedora 7.

7. That untipped headwear (3) pumpkin? or Apple 27. 28. Together you bring new life into the world (8) world the into life new bring you Together 28.

) 3 ( y o b g n u o Y . 6

8. Chase after cur (3) (3-3) confection Wafer 36-down. With 26. (4,2)

5. Take more than a fair share of (3) of share fair a than more Take 5.

9. Lap up your friend (3) (3) Skedaddled 24. 25. It’s hard, but you are forgiven, and you get back together together back get you and forgiven, are you but hard, It’s 25.

3. Name of a book or film, say (5) say film, or book a of Name 3.

10. Not one sounds like a bride of Christ (3) (3) trend Popular 23. 22. You go hiking on the Appalachian Trail (6) Trail Appalachian the on hiking go You 22.

2. Lyricist Gershwin (3) Gershwin Lyricist 2.

12. Go great in a test, like an odd archer (3) (3) street French 21. 20. You both say ‘I Do’ (8) Do’ ‘I say both You 20.

Down

13. Grandma Crazy Ann (3) (3) silent Keep 20. the first time) (10) time) first the

15. Initially, voters can’t remember the Betamax competitor (3) period Historical 19. 16. You and they make a commitment, and exchange rings (for (for rings exchange and commitment, a make they and You 16.

(5)

(1.1.1) (3) Carides Actress 18. 14. Then you meet someone great, it’s true romance (4) romance true it’s great, someone meet you Then 14.

42. How your story inevitably ends (sorry to end on a downer) downer) a on end to (sorry ends inevitably story your How 42.

16. Hitler’s girl till the end of time, in a text message (3) (3) horse a to order – Up!” “___ 17. 11. Boy meets girl at a restaurant... it’s usually awkward (6) awkward usually it’s restaurant... a at girl meets Boy 11.

41. Now your litter has a litter (9) litter a has litter your Now 41.

17. Gravity, almost, will make the horse go faster (3) (3) girl Hitler’s 16. and 20s (8) 20s and

40. Your in The ______Years, the autumn of your life (8) life your of autumn the Years, ______The in Your 40.

18. Allegiances hide actress Carides (3) (1.1.1) competitor Betamax 15. 9. Going out and getting wasted, like you did in your teens teens your in did you like wasted, getting and out Going 9.

37. You stop working after all these years (6) years these all after working stop You 37.

19. Baffling aural organ is a historical period (3) (3) Grandma 13. 4. The early years, when you were young and innocent (9) innocent and young were you when years, early The 4.

35. You go to your job, day in, day out. (4) out. day in, day job, your to go You 35.

20. Keep silent Mater! (3) (3) One 12. 1. The first part of the story of your life (5) life your of story the of part first The 1.

(6,4)

21. Regret French street (3) (3) Christ of Bride 10. Across 31. You wuit your rambling ways, buy a house, stay in at nights nights at in stay house, a buy ways, rambling your wuit You 31.

*Take the same quiz as your favourite Union Board THE TAKE HOME Candidates! SUDOKU PART ONE – UNION/UNIVERSITY PART TWO - INVOLVEMENT WITH AWARENESS STUDENT LIFE

1. Name 3 off-campus partners for the 1. List the 2010 revues. (2) ACCESS card scheme. (3) 2. Name two previous/ongoing/future events 2. Name all the buildings that the Union the USU’s Director of Campus Culture owns on Main Campus (1). (Does the for 2010 has organised/planned for this Union own any buildings on the other Uni semester? (Who is the USU’s Director of campuses? [1]) Campus Culture for 2010?) (2)

3. Name 5 Sydney University campuses. (2) 3. What are the various ticket prices for a SUDS play? (1) 4. True or False: Edmund Barton was a USU President (and who is Edmund Barton?) (1) 4. What were the MUSE and Sydney Uni Opera Company productions for this 5. How many chapters in the recently semester? (1) released University Green Paper, excluding the preamble and conclusion? (1) 5. What exhibition is currently showing at the VERGE Gallery? (1) 6. How many Clubs and Societies does the USU oversee? (1) 6. Name the sport each of these Sydney Uni teams play: RATED: Depends on how good you are at Sudoku, really. 7. Who is the Chief Executive Officer of the Sydney Uni Lions (1) , Sydney Uni Flames USU? (1) (1)

8. Name the Vice-Chancellor before Dr 7. What is the SURG frequency? (1) WORDSWORDSWORDS Michael Spence (1). (And who is the current With Mark Sutton Chancellor of the University? [1]) 8. What is the name of the weekly internal In each of the words below, a definition of the word can be made

debating competition? (1) using letters from the word itself, in order, though not consecutively 9. At the 2009 USU C&S Awards, which e.g. Observe – See. Can you work out the other definitions? club won ‘best club with more than 100 9. Who is the Vice-President of the SRC? (1) members’? (1) Curtail | Salvage | Precipitation | Separate | Communality | Appropriate | Instructor | Regulate | Astound | Catacomb | Satisfied 10. Can you name all five editors of The Bull | Rotund | Revolution | Situation | Deliberate | Honourable | this year? (2) Supervisor | Aggravated | Contaminate | Deceased | Fraction | Destruction | Irritated | Barren | Bombast | Fabrication |

Rambunctious

Boncardo

$3(Access), $4 (Student), $5 (General) 4. Sweeney Todd (MUSE), The Turn of the Screw (Opera) 5. “Mirror, Mirror” 6. (Lions) GridIron or Waterpolo, (Flames) Basketball 7. 90.9 FM 8. Regionals 9. Phil Phil 9. Regionals 8. FM 90.9 7. Basketball (Flames) Waterpolo, or GridIron (Lions) 6. Mirror” “Mirror, 5. (Opera) Screw the of Turn The (MUSE), Todd Sweeney 4. (General) $5 (Student), $4 $3(Access),

Commerce, Education & Social Work, Engineering, Law, Med, Queer, Science, Vet Science,Women’s 2. Chalk Don’t Walk, Silent Disco, Big Painted ‘C’ at O-Week (Roslyn Russell) 3. $2 (SUDS Member), Member), (SUDS $2 3. Russell) (Roslyn O-Week at ‘C’ Painted Big Disco, Silent Walk, Don’t Chalk 2. Science,Women’s Vet Science, Queer, Med, Law, Engineering, Work, Social & Education Commerce,

Paul McJannet 8. Gavin Brown (Governor Marie Bashir) 9. Movement and Dance Soc 10. Pat Effeny, Daniel Swain, Bronwyn Cowell, Richard J Warwick, Raven Dakota PART TW0 1. Architecture, Arts, Arts, Architecture, 1. TW0 PART Dakota Raven Warwick, J Richard Cowell, Bronwyn Swain, Daniel Effeny, Pat 10. Soc Dance and Movement 9. Bashir) Marie (Governor Brown Gavin 8. McJannet Paul

6. Main Campus (Camperdown/Darlington), Cumberland, SCA (Rozelle), Nursing (Mallet St), Conservatorium of Music, St James (Old Law School), Camden, Dentistry Faculty, Orange Agricultural 7. 7. Agricultural Orange Faculty, Dentistry Camden, School), Law (Old James St Music, of Conservatorium St), (Mallet Nursing (Rozelle), SCA Cumberland, (Camperdown/Darlington), Campus Main 6. ANSWERS: PART ONE 1. There are heaps. Go to www.accessbenefits.com.au/Off_Campus_Benefits to check. 2. Holme, Manning and Wentworth (No others) 3. True (Australia’s First PM) 4. 6 5. 209 209 5. 6 4. PM) First (Australia’s True 3. others) (No Wentworth and Manning Holme, 2. check. to www.accessbenefits.com.au/Off_Campus_Benefits to Go heaps. are There 1. ONE PART ANSWERS: GARTER UNIVERSITY Student Union Council

2010 STUDENT ELECTION GUIDE A Message From Your Vice-Chancellor Student Union Council President’s Welcome Greetings Underlings, The Student Union Council provides integral services to all students, or at least those who can be bothered to I’ve always believed that student elections were an get involved in campus life and have a spare 100 bucks important part of student life, helping to fashion a strong lying around. Whether you like it or not, we stand up political interest among young people, raise important for your rights and provide you with valuable services, issues and give a platform to the loudest and most vocal so quit throwing eggs at my house at 3am and start on campus who would otherwise struggle to be heard or showing some God-damn respect, you moochers. have sufficient attention paid to their delicate egos. This has been a busy year for us: we have continued the I commend the hubris of this year’s candidates. I know fight against student poverty by convincing numerous from history that today’s student politicians will soon A-list celebrities that indie hipsters’ Surry Hills rental become tomorrow’s nameless civil servants, book store problems are as deserving of activism and government employees and general unwashed unemployed. assistance as those whingers in the Sudan; we’ve opened new Uni cafes where the cost of a sandwich is now just comparable to So I hope you find all the catchy slogans, creative chalking and amusing lecture the price of a small car; and we’ve expanded the clubs and societies program to bashes sufficiently distracting that you’ll not notice that we are secretly trying to include people who enjoy Highland dancing, haute cuisine and being Malaysian. destroy and dismantle these organisations which we see as nothing more than a petty nuisance. Now that my tenure as President will soon be coming to an end, you can rest assured that I’ll be continuing to serve the interests of students – Oh, wait! I’ve Good luck to all involved! You’ll need it! just been offered a job at a top commercial law firm which means I get to leave this shithole behind forever. Suck it, bitches!

Franklin Schumacher Dr Beth Quentin LLB BS BA YMCA President of the Student Union Council How To VOTE How to Campaign Voting for your favourite candidate, or the least annoying Matt Pritchard one, has now been made simpler than ever. Campaigns are won or lost on election day. This is a fact. If you don’t have a strong team on election day, you will lose You do NOT require an Student Union Council membership the election and all your hard work, all your poster runs, card to vote. We want as many people to vote as possible, all your backroom deals will be for nothing. Trust me on so we’ve done away with this requirement. Instead, just this. But if you follow my steps exactly there is no chance, turn up with some form of Photo ID, a student transcript for save for an act of God, that you will lose. You need to call the last 6 months, a copy of your birth ceritificate, a French in every favour you have. Old school friends? Reconnect Horn, an essay explaining your analysis of War and Peace, with them. Start now. The man who serves you coffee in a photo of you with a Cambodian person and a smile! It’s the morning? Get him in a T-Shirt. Put at least ten T-Shirts aside for the ‘celebrity that easy. homeless’ on campus and make them wear them on the day. This might sound crazy, but it’s how elections are won. Start at 5am, finish at 9pm. You will be You’ll then be put through a series of mental and physical tests to ensure that you tired. You will be mentally fatigued. But you will win and it will be worth it. are of the proper mental ‘capacity’ to cast such an important vote. For example, you may be asked to watch segments from Two and Half Men, How I Met Your Gordon Williams Mother or The Big Bang Theory, and if we find that you are even slightly enjoying Mathew. You have not been at work for the past week. yourself you will not only be denied a vote but you’ll also be shot. This obviously of concern to myself and the rest of the staff. I understand that you have been busy with external We’ve put voting booths at many convenient locations: behind the main student commitments, but a University election should not take bar, on the roof of the library, inside the creepy men’s toilets where all the precedence over your job. I am also puzzled as to why you perverts hang out, in Bucharest (Romania) and online! are involved at all with this, given that you left University some 5 years ago. Furthermore, while we try to encourage On the voting card, please rank the candidates based on their integrity and our employees right to a social life, it is unacceptable that policies, or just on their level of attractiveness. you have been using the companies printing facilities to produce, in your own words, ‘dynamite campaign material’. Please take this as an official warning as

This Garter has been approved by returning officers: Henry Hawthorne, David Mack and Ben Jenkins also as a rejection of your offer to wear a T-Shirt on the 12th. GARTER UNIVERSITY CANDIDATES Student Union Council A - NLS Hack B - Hubert Victor C - Johnny Q. Handsome D - A Piece of Driftwood

Policy Statement Policy Statement Policy Statement Policy Statement

INITIATE! MOBILISE! EUTHANISE! ACTIVE VERB! A few weeks ago I woke up, looked in the mirror, did This just seems like the next logical step for me. I promise to do my best to wash idly to and fro ‘pon the my hair, then looked in the mirror some more and then pebbly shore, my smooth contours glistening in the sun, Sick of the same old people running your student or- I suddenly realised: I need to make a difference in the I will win. Make no mistake. I don’t not win. the waves of the ages smoothing my craggy fibres. I am ganisations and getting no real change? Why not vote world – and my CV was looking a tad bare. LABOR again and give us another go? ancient. Need not you bother trying to comprehend the Curriculum Vitae time I have spend adrift, ‘twill boggle you. I’m yet to formulate a clear election platform, but I wore I’ve been part of Young Labor now for years and I’ve nev- • 17-time University Medallist a short-sleeved shirt today. Have you seen my guns? er known a group of people who cared so much about • Economics & Social Science/Law (Medal Average) My policies include but are not limited to:

students. Even though the students they cared about • Founding Member of the HD Law Society, the So while I may not have the ‘policies’, ‘experience’ or were themselves, I think this still shows commitment. Keynesian Economics Society, the 16th Century • $5 meals. ‘integrity’ of the other ‘seasoned politicians’, what I do • Karaoke Nights on thursdays. French Poetry Appreciation Society, the Red Cross, have is a wardrobe full of tight-fitting polo shirts, an My policies have yet to be determined for me by the the International War Crimes Tribunal and the • Fix the lifts in Wentworth (finally!) ambiguous sexuality and a winning smile that you can • I am driftwood. caucus (they’re still debating what pizzas we should United Nations guarantee I’ll be flaunting for the next two weeks, most have ordered last week) but you can bet they’ll really • President of the Commerce Society notably and shamelessly in front of 1st year media girls. stick it to the man! • President of the University Medallist Society • President of France Remember: a vote for me leads to the possibility of sex. A vote for me is a vote for student rights, and my future • Winner of International Mooting Series 2009, Inter- Curriculum Vitae career in Canberra! national Debating Series 2008, and Miss Interna- Curriculum Vitae • Smooth to the touch, round to hold, and light as tional 2007 a feather, I’m nature’s sweet! Don’t eat me, still Curriculum Vitae • US Secretary of Trade and Commerce • Liberal Studies II (Pass Average) splintery. • Gender Studies Major (or Majorette to use the non- • Executive Producer of Avatar. • Abercrombie & Fitch 2009 Fall Catalogue • Was once an integral part of a larger piece of wood. masculine hegemonic form) • Tamer of Killie. • 30 Inch Waist • President of SUDS. • Voted ‘Least Repulsive to the Outside World’ and • Nazi Hunter • “Eight-pack” ‘Most Appealing to Normal Students’ by the Labor • Inventor of the Internet • Inspiration for ‘Chuck Bass’ on Gossip Girl caucus • 3-inch penis • 3 inch penis

G - Joe Vanilla-Bland H - Kim Jong ‘Bill’ I - Scott ‘Pothole’ Hunter J - Maisy Snuffington

Policy Statement Policy Statement Policy Statement

Vote Joe for a better Union. WAAZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUPPPP? Up until one month ago I didn’t give a shit about • Time to get Maisy in board! In the past I’ve told student politics - quorum? union? pens? - what the If you vote Joe, I promise that I can make the Union Your old pal Kim Jong ‘Bill’ here, just chilling and you to read between the lines, now it’s time to vote fuck are they? But now that I’ve been forced to buy an better than it was before I was voted onto the Union. existing as an average walk-of-the-mill university above them, for yours truly, Maisy W. Snuffington! access card, I’m running for union to repeal it. Then I’ll Freshman. Nothing suspicious on my studies here at • Promises to reintroduce cheaper words on campus. piss right off. I’ll bring college issues front and center I’ll improve it in various ways. the University Garter. No espionage occurring here! • Will also focus on the other campuses also. Rose- to the Union board, and with college representing just Elle, The Conservation, UNSW and the art one. over 3.3% of students on campus, we need a loud, Details? Okay then, try this on for size. I’ll improve Since I started my studies here I wanted to reign in • Plenty of fun parties every day! Can you say Rum- strong voice to shout over all the pussies. our sandwiches. the final analysis, most of all students and begin my ba!? (That’s French for ‘Salsa’!) master plan for world domination. Make my dreams. I can promise that: I also am deeply passionate about extending the and I do not crush. All glory to me! • I’m fun: I can down a jug of beer in under 3 sec- borrowing time from our library by 24 hours, if not onds. • Professional columnist, social commentator and slightly less. Curriculum Vitae • I’m administratively efficient: I can down a jug of part-time psychic. pens in under 5 seconds. • Was a contestant on The Price is Right in 1983, • Beer Pong Champion 2009/2010 Curriculum Vitae almost won a dryer but then didn’t. • Voted ‘Least Likely to Imprison You in a Gulag’ Curriculum Vitae • Has own car and is willing to work hard! • Was on a committee in 2005 and half of 2006. • Not a Dictator • Holds the record for most trips to RPA for pen • Is a candidate for the Student Union Council 2010. • 3-inch Penis related incidents. GARTER GARTER UNIVERSITY UNIVERSITY Student Union Council Student Union Council

C - Johnny Q. Handsome D - A Piece of Driftwood E - Eddie Wacktacular F - Regina Paisly-Haimes

Policy Statement Policy Statement Policy Statement

A few weeks ago I woke up, looked in the mirror, did I promise to do my best to wash idly to and fro ‘pon the DON’T VOTE FOR ME! I grew up knowing hardship. My family home in Mos- my hair, then looked in the mirror some more and then pebbly shore, my smooth contours glistening in the sun, DON’T VOTE FOR ME! man only had water ‘glimpses’, we ate lobster just weekly I suddenly realised: I need to make a difference in the the waves of the ages smoothing my craggy fibres. I am DON’T VOTE FOR ME! and from K-3 I attended the local...public...school. The world – and my CV was looking a tad bare. ancient. Need not you bother trying to comprehend the Young Liberals and I are determined to never allow any time I have spend adrift, ‘twill boggle you. When I’m El Presidento, every day will be op- student to experience such horrors again. That’s why I’m I’m yet to formulate a clear election platform, but I wore posite day! You will all pay a million dollars for campaigning against compulsory unionism, higher student a short-sleeved shirt today. Have you seen my guns? My policies include but are not limited to: your Not-Vege Wrap! And you won’t not be unat- taxes and gays. tending the not greatest parties this Campus has So while I may not have the ‘policies’, ‘experience’ or • $5 meals. never not seen! 70% of this Uni’s intake come from the Eastern and North- ‘integrity’ of the other ‘seasoned politicians’, what I do • Karaoke Nights on thursdays. ern Suburbs. We can aim higher! have is a wardrobe full of tight-fitting polo shirts, an • Fix the lifts in Wentworth (finally!) Sure, I might be wacky, but all my friends can ambiguous sexuality and a winning smile that you can • I am driftwood. tell you that on the inside I’m a very serious and So come on down to my campaign HQ and pick up a guarantee I’ll be flaunting for the next two weeks, most intelligent guy. So don’t let the goofy grin, crazy campaign T-shirt made from the finest imported silks and notably and shamelessly in front of 1st year media girls. slogans and sporadic bird-like squawks scare stitched in the fashion houses of Europe! But please, only you....squawk back! SQUAWK! the ‘right’ (white) kind of people need apply. I don’t want Remember: a vote for me leads to the possibility of sex. Curriculum Vitae to give the ‘wrong’ (Wong) impression. • Smooth to the touch, round to hold, and light as Curriculum Vitae Curriculum Vitae a feather, I’m nature’s sweet! Don’t eat me, still • Liberal Studies II (Pass Average) splintery. • Volunteer at Paint the Cows Day, 2001-2010. • Duchess of Brentwood • Abercrombie & Fitch 2009 Fall Catalogue • Was once an integral part of a larger piece of wood. • Once inflated a blue balloon and crawled • Inspiration for ‘Serena’ on Gossip Girl • 30 Inch Waist • President of SUDS. inside it. • Been featured in The Mosman Daily’s social section • “Eight-pack” • 347 times. • Inspiration for ‘Chuck Bass’ on Gossip Girl • Voted ‘Girl Most Likely To Be A Bitch’ at my formal. • 3 inch penis

I - Scott ‘Pothole’ Hunter J - Maisy Snuffington K - Chandra Farah L - “Killie”

Policy Statement Policy Statement Policy Statement

Up until one month ago I didn’t give a shit about It’s time to stand up, let your voice ring out, then • Will supply free newspapers to all students and • Time to get Maisy in board! In the past I’ve told student politics - quorum? union? pens? - what the be gently asked to sit down please because you’re bring them to their front door before class. you to read between the lines, now it’s time to vote fuck are they? But now that I’ve been forced to buy an interrupting the lecture. • Promises to reintroduce Dog Ate My Assignement above them, for yours truly, Maisy W. Snuffington! access card, I’m running for union to repeal it. Then I’ll (DAMA) as legitimate method of appeal against late • Promises to reintroduce cheaper words on campus. piss right off. I’ll bring college issues front and center When the Union Nations, NATO, International marks, as well as introducing additional avenues • Will also focus on the other campuses also. Rose- to the Union board, and with college representing just War Crimes Tribunals and countless international of appeal such as Dog Set Fire To My Assignment Elle, The Conservation, UNSW and the art one. over 3.3% of students on campus, we need a loud, charities fail, a small student union in Australia (DSFTMA) and Dog Set Fire To Then Strapped To A • Plenty of fun parties every day! Can you say Rum- strong voice to shout over all the pussies. will suceed. Vote for me or you’re a Zionist Pig. Space Ship And Then Ate My Flaming Assignment ba!? (That’s French for ‘Salsa’!) You’re a Zionist Pig. (DSFTTSTASSATAMFA). I can promise that: Curriculum Vitae • I’m fun: I can down a jug of beer in under 3 sec- Curriculum Vitae Curriculum Vitae onds. • Professional columnist, social commentator and • I’m administratively efficient: I can down a jug of part-time psychic. • Spent 3 weeks in Gaza irritating Palestinians. • Currently doing internship with Messr. Ivan D. pens in under 5 seconds. • Was a contestant on The Price is Right in 1983, • Coordinated the “End Student Poverty and Mulchbeast and assisting him in Project Abject almost won a dryer but then didn’t. Troops Out and Gay Rights and If You Get A Terror. • Has own car and is willing to work hard! Moment Also Could You Get Rid of Nuclear • Saved child from well after building well around child. • Holds the record for most trips to RPA for pen Weapons” MTarch. related incidents. Students’ Representative Council The University of Sydney

BECOME A MEMBER! Join in person at SRC Office or SRC Bookshop YOUR VOICE phone 02 9660 5222 UNDERGRADUATE STUDENTS YOUR SRC

Support & Advocacy SRC Books - Cheapest books on campus! • Centrelink Advice • Buy & sell your textbooks • Academic Appeals • Search for books online SRC website • Discontinuing/Withdrawing Wentworth Level 3 (opposite newsagent) • Students at Risk • Show Cause Emergency Loans • Exclusion • $50 emergency loans for • Tenancy Advice students in need • Fee Refunds • Harassment & Discrimination Student Publications • International Students • Honi Soit weekly newspaper • Plagiarism & misconduct see:www.src.usyd.edu.au/honisoit • Student Handbooks Free Legal Advice • Referrals Student Rights & Representation • Discrimination & Equal Opportunity SRC Representatives are directly elected by • Employment law students each year to stand up for students’ • Minor criminal matters/traffic rights on campus and in the wider community. offences/ fines • Victims of violence Find the SRC at... SRC • Debts Level 1 Wentworth down Stai Building (downstairs RS

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Search for text books online www.src.usyd.edu.au/default.php Eastern Av Carslaw Call 02 9660 4756 to check availability

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