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Can Suicide Me Love/ Explains ^••Fii Food Service Recipe File Uncovered

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Can Suicide Me Love/ Explains ^••Fii Food Service Recipe File Uncovered We had the guts to we had the guts to print it-now let's 'print It-now let's see 11 you have the see If you have the guts to read It11 guts to read it II Tuesday, April 1, Vol. 52-No.«fe Can me love/ Slambar staff repels insurgents suicide explains - YSU President John Coffup is countered a motion to investigate dead. His body was found in his his office's efficiency in the use office "yesterday by campus of paper clips by saying, "If you security after his secretary don't leave me alone, I don't complained that he was not know what I'm likely to do!" answering liis intercom. The Both remarks were reportedly president was found hanging by made in jest. the neck from a chandelier. His hands were tied behind his back. The most tantalizing hint uncovered by The Slambar was a Campus security ruled the memo sent to Joseph Rooked, VP death a suicide. "He got really of money. In the memo, Coffup hung up by all that red tape," said, "I'm going to hang myself said security chief Paul Distress in on 7:30 p.m. Friday, March 28." a moment of levity. "I didn't think he was serious," A memo, was found said Rooked. paperclipped to the president's belt buckle. The note said, "Can't Dr. Taylor Alderperson will be buy me love, hence goodbye, acting president of YSU until Ruby Tuesday." The note was somebody worthwhile can be aW«^»*i. 11 .... apparently alluding to popular selected, according to a resolution rock and roll lyrics of the sixties. passed at an emergency meeting of the Bored ofTrustees. Sources close to the president said he had been feeling depressed "My administration, of late. Coffup had secretly irregardless. of how long it lasts, sought psychiatric help from will be remembered for a long Consoling Center head Dr. U. R. time to come," said'Alderperson: ^••fii Crazy. "I think his problem was When asked to elaborate, that he couldn't help students Alderperson replied, "You get enough to soothe, his guilty out of here!" conscience, or maybe he just wasn't right in the nead. But I don't think I helped him much." Easy Street Appa Kappa Zappa THE SLAMBAR was defended yesterday during a bloody siege conducted by various Several public statements president Tom Topps student body elements. Shown in upper left hand corner is the swift execution of the leader recently imade by the president announced today that of the insurgents by an officer of the SLS(SIanibar Loony Squad) following a hasty and hint that he was contemplating application forms are now rather one-sided trial- PITY. suicide for .sometime. In available for. 1987 Miss February, during a public auction Congeniality. Topps noted held- to raise money for the Food service recipe file uncovered the only requirements for the university, Coffup announced, title are a winning smile, a "I'd auction off my body, but I great body and in Topps campus security office cabinet know none of you ladies would words, "the morals of Xaviera What appears to be a ,YSU snackbar employees that do not list" listing the names of five give me a wooden nickel for it." Hollander." food service "recipe file" of all wear hair nets and the names of students, two faculty members, At a meeting of the board of foods served in Kilcawley Center, cooks who shape meat patties and a security guard who have trustees last month, Coffup has been maintained in the YSU larger than the 1/8 cafeteria not yet complained about the Campus Security Office since at standard thickness. Also ..food program. least fall quarter 1908, when contained in the list was the name When Phil Hershey, director of students first began to complain of a Slambar reporter, Mark Kilcawley center, learned that about the food. The file has been Squirrel, who wrote a story on many of the Kilcawley employees seeks refuge in Venezuela updated to include recipes as fast food companies possibly 'were on the "enemies list," his recent as winter quarter. 1975, taking over the present food only comment (was 'T guess the Claiming their rights as us." according to information made service. Center had better invest in some hair nets..." reporters had been usurped, and The staff claims YSU available to The Slambar. Also discovered was an "allies citing an infringement upon administrators had been A file cabinet, located in the freedom of the press, the editorial pressuring them for' "God knows Kilcawley office. of Paul Eleven drop off— staff of The Jambar resigned en how long," according to Briman, Watercress, chief of YSU security, masse Monday morning, and are to run weekly scores of their contains the recipes of all foods reported to be awaiting passage intramurals team, the Tamecocks. and beverages served in the Faculty bails out fast on a boat to Venezuela, where The Jambar had resisted most Center, possibly because they are they hope to begin a left-wing efforts by administration , Eleven YSU faculty members when they fell into the Mahoning deemed health risks. political newspaper. members to publish game results. were killed yesterday as they River. Four others threw Th e Slambar managed to mobbed a chartered flight themselves in front of the plane However, last week, according to The possibility of other files obtain an interview with editor of departing for Ohio State as it speeded down the runway, the editor, staff members found a tabulating the total amount of the o the'r publication Ann University as a part of the new screaming, "Even Da Nang is door to the building kicked in, meat used per quarter may be Brimam. She said "'You dont Ohio faculty exchange program. better than this rotting hole." and a message taped to the stored in a padlocked cabinet in know what we had to go through, Eleven thousand faculty Funeral services will be held in editor's typewriter, threatening Watercress' office, The Slambar day after day, week after week, it members rushed for the plane Kilcawley Amphitheatre her with abduction unless she learned. was awful. Well, they won't have agreed to, as the note read, which only had room for eighteen tomorrow. At that time, passages The Jambar staff to kick around "publicize both our games and Included in the "recipe files" instructors. Seven instructors who will be read from the WEO-YSU anymore. I say, let's go where our after-games activities, which was a separate "enemies list" were attempting to hang on to agreement, and from Those who someone will really appreciate (Cont. on page 8) listing the names of several the wings were killed instantly * (Cont. on page 6) The Slambar, Page 2 Tuesday, April 1, 1975 Slammed Some intellectual snobs on this campus are making it tough for the rest of us to get the educations we so badly need. A recent editorial in another campus publication charged the University with catering to less intelligent students in their choice of textbooks simply to keep the Slams Slambar for being ignorant tuition coming. The writer of that editorial claimed, in the Arab-Israeli war even though effect, the majority of YSU students are. dumb. To the editor of The Slambar: up. What would YOU do with 87 gallons of left over corn likker, a nobody around here gives a shit It appears; the writer of that editorial is merely jealous You idiots. Here we are. The greased pig, and a ton of hay, not about that. because the majority of students here really enjoy school. sole representatives of CULTURE to mention having to pay Joe Well let me tell you something. The time has come for some candid discussion about the on this campus, and won't even Yokel's Band and North, You're here to report on people like us, the real people on this type of education we are receiving at YSU. For one thing, send out one of your scummy Carolina's champion hog caller reporters to cover our activities. when they didn't have anything campus. You're a bunch of textbooks are geared to the average student, the Our second vice- president to do all night except sit around hot-shot suto- intellects up there.. down-to-earth, ail-American kind who'd rather look at came up to The Slambar and guzzle the corn likker in a Yeah, when we came up you pretty pictures any day than read some nonsensical trash twenty-seven times to make sure most disgusting manner. treated us like dirt. (We knew you about a long-forgotten war or a dead president. After all, that the announcement of the The reason no one came is didn't like us). how relevant is the Cuban missile crisis or the laws of supply Extrageezer Communications because you intellectual snobs You write a lousy paper anyway. You print nothing but anddemand in a technological society? Colloquium's Second Semi-annual couldn't find room to announce Starl ight Square Dance was our dance. Oh, but you had room lies. Somebody should tell Also, it's a shame the way some people complain about announced in your paper in time to run a review of a lousy English somebody about you. the type of student leadership we have here. Our Student to make sure all the squares came. fag rock group. And you had Council is the best around. They meet once a week, in a room to run a' story about some But no, you couldn't find room Loretta Lynn 'thunder thighs' in your paper to announce it.
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