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What If I Don't Love Him/Her Enough?

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What If I Don't Love Him/Her Enough? Lesson Three: Conscious Weddings Message Board Archived Posts on “What If I Don’t Love Him/Her Enough?” or Understanding Real Love Table of Contents Ambivalence …………………………..………………………………….. 3 The Real Love ………….………................................................................ 10 Real Love versus In “In Love” …………………………………………... 12 Questioning and Nervous ……………………………………………….. 20 Love versus Infatuation ………………………………………………….. 27 Enough Spark? …………………………………………………………… 35 Book Recommendation: First Comes Marriage ………………………. 44 Book Recommendation: The Truth about Love ………………………. 49 Arranged Marriage and The Namesake ……………………………….. 53 Appreciation Lists ………………………………………………………… 56 2 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com Ambivalence Author Comment [ Ambivalence Ambivalence Lead - ] Posts: 1 TAGS [EDIT]: None (07/10/09 10:34:48) Greetings. I am new to this forum, but have been following it periodically for a year- A close friend found it to be extremely helpful during her engagement and after. I admire all of your wisdom and your bravery to share so honestly your stories and concerns with one another, and thought I would post myself. So, I am not engaged, but I suspect my long-term boyfriend is planning a proposal. I am writing because I have been in a near-constant state of ambivalence for over five years. (We've been together for seven.) From the start, I always wanted more commitment than he did. (Is; it took years of back-and- forth for him to move in.) He is an amazing man- brilliant, kind, artistic, extremely engaged with the world, very loving and affectionate- and we have fun together, have a playful and cuddly life together. He is supportive of me and my goals, and of his. I really admire him as a person. But despite this and despite our constant pattern of my pressuring him for more of a commitment, I have always had my doubts. At first, it was because I was his first serious relationship and I felt that he would want to "sew his seeds" or "shop around" more sooner or later. Then, as I got over that, other things started to occur to me: I feel that I am more emotionally self-aware than he is - he suppresses his feelings a lot and I am often a little lost as to where he's coming from; the physical dynamic is off; it is very difficult for me to get him to spend time with my friends socially; we don't have very compelling conversations; and as I read this board I realize that the phrases used by you all strong and self-aware women to describe your relationships, like "has taught me so much about the world," don't necessarily apply to mine. Mostly, I guess, I just feel that our dynamic over the years has 3 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com been too much about me being the teacher or the mother figure, and gently, lovingly nudging him along - both in non- romantic daily-life issues and also in terms or our relationship. But all of that nudging gets to me, and hurts my ego, so much so that I can't tell where my critiques of him are my bruised ego speaking or are my real feelings. I've never had to leave a good person or someone whom I loved tremendously, but I am not sure what to do. I am tired of ambivalence- it's actually got otherwise-cheerful me crying a lot lately - and I think I need some advice about how to make such big decisions as staying or leaving. I hope it's not too off- topic, as I'm not engaged, but we've been together for so long, that I practically feel married. [ ThinkBee #1 - ] Posts: 628 Hi Ambi. Well, I think you're probably misreading or reading (07/10/09 12:56:03) into statements like "he has taught me so much about the world." There is a quote that goes something like "Some people think you cannot make a commitment without love, but the truth is you cannot truly love until you have a commitment." Being in a committed relationship and particularly a marriage with a loving, loyal, supportive person with whom you share a bond and history is just something that has changed my life. Commitment can be one of life's greatest learning experiences, regardless of who it's with, as long as they are loving to you and willing to work with you through anything. My husband is not a particularly profound person in conversation or thought, and I say that with the utmost respect, because he has a much better grasp on accepting the uncertainties of life than I ever will, probably. But he has taught me a lot, not so much directly, but just by virtue of being himself and loving me no matter what. Even this aspect of him, that fact that he has a simpler outlook on life and does not overanalyze everything the way I do, has really turned out to be a beautiful complement to 4 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com me. Learning to understand him and our differences has taught me a lot about other points of view and the validity of different ways of looking at the world. And I think that is the type of thing most people mean when they talk about this. It's not something I really felt strongly until I was engaged for a while and married. It's been kind of a freeing experience for me. The issues you have with your boyfriend seem very typical of the issues that most married people have (or otherwise long- term committed couples). I'm not sure what you mean by "it hurts my ego," to lovingly nudge him along, and I wonder why you feel you must nudge him? Is this really all his issue or do your faults play a part in this as well? I think sometimes people push for commitment when they themselves are afraid of it for whatever reason (this was totally me!). Other times it's a more of a fear of abandonment. I don't really know of any relationships that do not develop some minor issues after a certain period of time and living together. When I got engaged I had also been with my husband a long time, 6 years, and lived together for 3, so I think a lot of my confusion came from the fact that I had certain preconceptions about being engaged that generally applied to couples that were not at the same point in the relationship. I can almost guarantee you that you would find other issues in your next relationship, should you choose to move on. But it is impossible for anyone to really say what the "right" or "wrong" reasons are for staying or leaving. It's a choice, and so is your state of mind. treadingwater #2 [-] Posts: 2 Thinkbee, Thank you for that quote, "Some people think that (07/10/09 13:46:58) you cannot make a commitment without love, but the truth is you cannot truly love until you have a commitment." I read that and my heart skipped a beat for a moment because it rang so true. Last night, as I was lying in bed, my mind suddenly said, "Marrying him is not something that would just happen to you, it is a conscious decision that you would make, a decision to commit to this person, to share your life, to try your best." I know that that seems somewhat obvious, but I think that part of my thinking has been that marriage, or a 5 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com relationship, is just something that happens to me, as if I have no control over the situation. But in reality, marriage is a decision, a commitment that I am going to give it my best to share my life with another human being, a person that I truly love and that I think will make a great partner in life. In this new lens, I can see my fiancé as a great companion and partner to struggle through life's ups and downs, despite his flaws and the little things that annoy me, because in the end, his strengths far supercede his flaws. My counselor once told me that no matter who I choose to marry, I would always find something that annoyed me or bothered me about him. My biggest misconception in life has been that there is a person out there who will magically appear and will be a perfect fit for me with no flaws, no annoyances, and that I will have absolutely no doubts. So for the time that I have been dating my fiancé, his little flaws and annoyances have been huge to me because I wondered if they meant that he was not "the one". It has taken me so much work and so much time to try to reframe my mind and to see that every person has flaws and that it is a great myth that there will be one perfect person. If, in the end, we are all just fragile human beings, with many strengths and flaws, trying to navigate this bumpy course of life, then the question is "Is this person someone that I want to partner with to make this journey together? Together, can we help each other, lift each other up, soothe each other when we our hurt, celebrate our victories, and mourn our losses? Can we deal with each other's annoyances and not let them become more than what they are?" If the answer is yes, then I think that is all that anyone can ask for.
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