What If I Don't Love Him/Her Enough?

Lesson Three: Conscious Weddings Message Board Archived Posts on “What If I Don’t Love Him/Her Enough?” or Understanding Real Love

Table of Contents

Ambivalence …………………………..………………………………….. 3

The Real Love ………….………...... 10

Real Love versus In “In Love” …………………………………………... 12

Questioning and Nervous ……………………………………………….. 20

Love versus Infatuation ………………………………………………….. 27

Enough Spark? …………………………………………………………… 35

Book Recommendation: First Comes Marriage ………………………. 44

Book Recommendation: The Truth about Love ………………………. 49

Arranged Marriage and The Namesake ……………………………….. 53

Appreciation Lists ………………………………………………………… 56

Ambivalence Author Comment [ Ambivalence Ambivalence Lead - ] Posts: 1 TAGS [EDIT]: None (07/10/09 10:34:48) Greetings. I am new to this forum, but have been following it periodically for a year- A close friend found it to be extremely helpful during her engagement and after. I admire all of your wisdom and your bravery to share so honestly your stories and concerns with one another, and thought I would post myself.

So, I am not engaged, but I suspect my long-term boyfriend is planning a proposal. I am writing because I have been in a near-constant state of ambivalence for over five years. (We've been together for seven.) From the start, I always wanted more commitment than he did. (Is; it took years of back-and- forth for him to move in.) He is an amazing man- brilliant, kind, artistic, extremely engaged with the world, very loving and affectionate- and we have fun together, have a playful and cuddly life together. He is supportive of me and my goals, and of his. I really admire him as a person.

But despite this and despite our constant pattern of my pressuring him for more of a commitment, I have always had my doubts. At first, it was because I was his first serious relationship and I felt that he would want to "sew his seeds" or "shop around" more sooner or later. Then, as I got over that, other things started to occur to me: I feel that I am more emotionally self-aware than he is - he suppresses his feelings a lot and I am often a little lost as to where he's coming from; the physical dynamic is off; it is very difficult for me to get him to spend time with my friends socially; we don't have very compelling conversations; and as I read this board I realize that the phrases used by you all strong and self-aware women to describe your relationships, like "has taught me so much about the world," don't necessarily apply to mine.

Mostly, I guess, I just feel that our dynamic over the years has

been too much about me being the teacher or the mother figure, and gently, lovingly nudging him along - both in non- romantic daily-life issues and also in terms or our relationship. But all of that nudging gets to me, and hurts my ego, so much so that I can't tell where my critiques of him are my bruised ego speaking or are my real feelings.

I've never had to leave a good person or someone whom I loved tremendously, but I am not sure what to do. I am tired of ambivalence- it's actually got otherwise-cheerful me crying a lot lately - and I think I need some advice about how to make such big decisions as staying or leaving. I hope it's not too off- topic, as I'm not engaged, but we've been together for so long, that I practically feel married.

[ ThinkBee #1 - ] Posts: 628 Hi Ambi. Well, I think you're probably misreading or reading (07/10/09 12:56:03) into statements like "he has taught me so much about the

world." There is a quote that goes something like "Some people think you cannot make a commitment without love, but the truth is you cannot truly love until you have a commitment."

Being in a committed relationship and particularly a marriage with a loving, loyal, supportive person with whom you share a bond and history is just something that has changed my life. Commitment can be one of life's greatest learning experiences, regardless of who it's with, as long as they are loving to you and willing to work with you through anything. My husband is not a particularly profound person in conversation or thought, and I say that with the utmost respect, because he has a much better grasp on accepting the uncertainties of life than I ever will, probably. But he has taught me a lot, not so much directly, but just by virtue of being himself and loving me no matter what. Even this aspect of him, that fact that he has a simpler outlook on life and does not overanalyze everything the way I do, has really turned out to be a beautiful complement to 4 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com

me. Learning to understand him and our differences has taught me a lot about other points of view and the validity of different ways of looking at the world. And I think that is the type of thing most people mean when they talk about this. It's not something I really felt strongly until I was engaged for a while and married. It's been kind of a freeing experience for me.

The issues you have with your boyfriend seem very typical of the issues that most married people have (or otherwise long- term committed couples). I'm not sure what you mean by "it hurts my ego," to lovingly nudge him along, and I wonder why you feel you must nudge him? Is this really all his issue or do your faults play a part in this as well? I think sometimes people push for commitment when they themselves are afraid of it for whatever reason (this was totally me!). Other times it's a more of a fear of abandonment.

I don't really know of any relationships that do not develop some minor issues after a certain period of time and living together. When I got engaged I had also been with my husband a long time, 6 years, and lived together for 3, so I think a lot of my confusion came from the fact that I had certain preconceptions about being engaged that generally applied to couples that were not at the same point in the relationship. I can almost guarantee you that you would find other issues in your next relationship, should you choose to move on. But it is impossible for anyone to really say what the "right" or "wrong" reasons are for staying or leaving. It's a choice, and so is your state of mind. treadingwater #2 [-] Posts: 2 Thinkbee, Thank you for that quote, "Some people think that (07/10/09 13:46:58) you cannot make a commitment without love, but the truth is

you cannot truly love until you have a commitment." I read that and my heart skipped a beat for a moment because it rang so true. Last night, as I was lying in bed, my mind suddenly said, "Marrying him is not something that would just happen to you, it is a conscious decision that you would make, a decision to commit to this person, to share your life, to try your best." I know that that seems somewhat obvious, but I think that part of my thinking has been that marriage, or a

relationship, is just something that happens to me, as if I have no control over the situation. But in reality, marriage is a decision, a commitment that I am going to give it my best to share my life with another human being, a person that I truly love and that I think will make a great partner in life. In this new lens, I can see my fiancé as a great companion and partner to struggle through life's ups and downs, despite his flaws and the little things that annoy me, because in the end, his strengths far supercede his flaws. My counselor once told me that no matter who I choose to marry, I would always find something that annoyed me or bothered me about him. My biggest misconception in life has been that there is a person out there who will magically appear and will be a perfect fit for me with no flaws, no annoyances, and that I will have absolutely no doubts. So for the time that I have been dating my fiancé, his little flaws and annoyances have been huge to me because I wondered if they meant that he was not "the one". It has taken me so much work and so much time to try to reframe my mind and to see that every person has flaws and that it is a great myth that there will be one perfect person.

If, in the end, we are all just fragile human beings, with many strengths and flaws, trying to navigate this bumpy course of life, then the question is "Is this person someone that I want to partner with to make this journey together? Together, can we help each other, lift each other up, soothe each other when we our hurt, celebrate our victories, and mourn our losses? Can we deal with each other's annoyances and not let them become more than what they are?" If the answer is yes, then I think that is all that anyone can ask for. I am sorry to be rambling on...... I was up late last night, trying to sleep and not being very successful. I think this post is more of a release for me then an answer to your concerns, Amb. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Trust me when I say that I feel your hurt and your worry.

Ambivalence #3 [-] Posts: 2 Thank you, Thinkbee and TW, for these very thoughtful (07/11/09 16:13:21) comments. I too think there's a lot to the quote about

love unconditionally without worrying about all the doubts that have precisely to do with making a commitment. Also, TW, I read your words about "Is this person someone that I want to partner with to make this journey together?.." to my partner, and he was blown away by the wisdom of that- so it was most certainly not rambling.

Thinkbee, what you say about your husband makes so much sense- lately, with all of this self-doubt permeating everything I do, I’ve begun to equate being analytical with some kind of wisdom and begun to think my partner lacks wisdom because he doesn't over-analyze. But we'd probably go crazy if we both did this. There are all kinds of wisdom.

And thank you also for saying that my state of mind is a choice. (My shrink had said the same thing hours earlier and I was angry with her!) but you're (and she was) completely right - a state of torment doesn't help anything, especially decision making. This is sort of like earlier posts that seemed to say, "be careful about getting so nervous about feeling bad that you actually make yourself feel bad." If you can get out of that state of mind, whatever one is hindering living in the moment, you can think more clearly. That helps.

The pushing him along and the fixation on flaws do point to a fear of commitment on my part- I don't know how to address that, but I will definitely try. I fixate on his flaws and, more so, on his perception of my flaws. But, it's unrealistic to demand that someone think I am perfect (a la Juno, that "the sun shines out of my butt") while he and I both know full well that I don't think he's perfect. It can just be so hard to clear my head, see where reality begins and my muddled thinking ends, and move forward. Thank you for the support.

Topanga #4 [-] Posts: 274 <

perfect fit for me with no flaws, no annoyances, and that I will have absolutely no doubts.>> Saturday night I was lying awake in bed, tormented that my husband and I aren't "mentally in-tune," meaning that we never complete each

other's sentences, know what the other one is thinking, etc. So my husband and I had the following conversation:

Husband: "What's wrong?"

Me: "I hate that we're not on the same page mentally. You know, that we can't complete each other's sentences and stuff."

Husband: "But, aren't we in tune in other ways?"

Me: "Yes, I know that we're in tune emotionally, and sexually, and that we enjoy each other's company and share the same values and work well as a team and enjoy living together and enjoy each other's friendship and respect each other, but I want to be able to complete each other's sentences!!!!"

Needless to say, my husband's next question was if it was that time of the month because he couldn't understand why, at 1:44 am, I would be awake, crying in bed, because he couldn't complete my sentences.

TW's quote (and Ambi's post) make me think of this story because it's such a clear example of expecting someone who fits us perfectly in each and every way. It's not enough for me that I've found a partner whom I love, respect, and enjoy spending time with... I need someone who I connect with on every level, not just on most levels. It sounds like that's what you're going through now, Ambi. You have a loving partner who's faithful to you. But when you realized that your fears about needing to "sow his seeds" were misguided, you just found something else to worry about! I don't think this is uncommon. I know that throughout the course of my relationship with my husband I've gone from one worry to the next. First we didn't have enough in common, then our conversations weren't intellectual enough, then we didn't have sex enough... and on and on and on. It seems to me that we do this because we're afraid of the relationship ending, whether we're scared that our SOs are going to leave or that we're going to leave them. My relationship with my husband is the most important relationship to me in the world (he's my best friend, my husband, and my family) and I'm terrified of losing

it, so I obsess about anything that could be a problem, anything that could crack the foundation, and try to fix it. Of course, obsessing about problems is in itself a problem (terribly and cruelly ironic), so I've begun working on that!

Great Dear Abby.. Author Comment [ ChristmasBride2006 Great Dear Abby.. Lead - ] Posts: 1355 TAGS [EDIT]: None (05/24/08 22:19:11) Thought this was a great gem...

EVERYDAY KINDNESS IS SECRET OF MARRIAGES FULL OF ROMANCE

DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "Kelly in Austin" (March 24), who wondered if there were more than two men who excel at romance.

Abby, my husband has given me a total of four pieces of jewelry throughout our 13-year relationship. However, he has given me many intangibles that mean far more.

I have a best friend I can talk to and trust. I have a lover who cares for me and my needs. I have a husband who believes in and abides by the vows we took on our wedding day. I have a provider who works hard to assure my financial stability, not just for today, but also for the future.

My children have a father who loves them and makes sure they know it through his words and actions. And I have a partner for life who does "romantic" things like changing diapers, rocking babies, washing dishes and holding my hand.

In generations past, men were expected to be strong, gentle and responsible. I thank God that my husband has chosen to be that kind of man. -- BELOVED

DEAR BELOVED: You are a lucky woman who married a real gem. A life partner with attributes like your husband's is a jewel more precious than any stone that nature could create. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 15 years, and my heart still skips a beat when I see him. We have a little piece of paper with I LOVE YOU written on it, and we take turns hiding it 10 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com

somewhere for each other to find. It shows up in my wallet, in the book I'm reading, in the laundry. It never fails to brighten my day, and it costs us not one cent.

He brings me coffee in the morning and a cup of tea at night. He'll surprise me with a candy bar or a cookie when I'm feeling down. Expensive jewelry isn't what makes a romance -- it's my darling taking a moment to let me know he's thinking of me. -- TINA IN CHINCOTEAGUE, VA.

DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for more than 10 years, and it hasn't been because of diamonds, flowers or trips to bed-and- breakfasts. We're happy because we laugh together, because we like each other, and because he was considerate enough to buy me a hands-free cell phone device to use while driving back and forth between our home and my father's. It's because he knows what scent of candle to buy me from a kid's fundraiser and because he thought I needed a new lunch box for work and got me one.

This is real life. Diamond commercials on the television are not. -- RITA IN DUBOIS, PA

[ babyofsix Re: Great Dear Abby.. #1 - ] Posts: 938 First, OMG, that last woman is from my hometown!!! I wonder if I (05/25/08 06:01:32) know her.

catlover Dear Abby #2 [-] Posts: 326 I saw this one in the paper the other day - I love it! Thanks for (05/25/08 06:31:44) sharing!

frozenfeet Re: Dear Abby #3 [-] Posts: 106 Thanks for posting this CB... I really related to the first writer. I have (05/25/08 08:54:39) a great guy! it made me cry.

amberleeski Re: Great Dear Abby.. #4 [-] Posts: 39 So beautiful

She's "not in love anymore" Author Comment Le ThinkBee She's "not in love anymore" [-] ad Posts: 358 TAGS [EDIT]: None (11/06/08 06:32:03) So I'm frustrated. Had dinner with a good friend last night who is dealing with a lot of crap right now. On top of her parents' divorce, which has been going on for a while now (after her father fessed up to having an affair with a family friend for the past 30 years...ugh!) her sister is now getting a divorce after a year and a half of being married to a guy she has been with for about five years. Her reason? "I'm just not in love with him anymore." He doesn't give her butterflies anymore, she's bored, and she is hot for some guy friend of hers. Her husband is a really nice guy, good looking, kind, smart...no red flags in the relationship whatsoever. My friend has become really close to her brother in law, naturally, and she thinks her sister, who is almost 30 years old, is behaving extremely irrationally and will regret this decision. Personally, hearing this whole story just made me so frustrated! Do people really end marriages for this reason? How can you just walk away from a marriage because you don't feel in love anymore? She won't even try counseling because "it is not going to make me fall back in love with him."

This has got me so down for some reason. It just seems to go against everything I've worked so hard on learning about love in the past year. I value real love so much and cannot understand why so many people do not. Is it silly of me to be reacting this way? Does anyone have any thoughts?

Thanks for letting me vent...

# ilovehim [-] 1 Posts: 134 ThinkBee, do not let this bother you. What you could find comfort in (11/06/08 06:44:17) is the strength in your own relationship and the seriousness you

take in commitment. I am having a rough day today, my FI lost his job yesterday. So on top of the engagement anxiety, I am now dealing with this uncertainty. Last night, we sat on the couch and cried and hugged

as he told me that he felt that he had let me down. I comforted him and let him know that he could never let me down because what matters is that he is a kind man and he will find another job, this too will pass. I feel this is now my time to be his supporter and be strong, he supported me so much during the beginning of our engagement when I was crying all the time and telling him I wasn't sure if I wanted to marry him, now it is my time to support him.

# ThinkBee [-] 2 Posts: 359 ilovehim, I'm so sorry, that sucks! I know sooo many people (11/06/08 06:53:47) going through that right now. Hang in there, you guys will

support one another and get through this difficult time.

You are right, and your own story speaks to that. Having someone to support you and in turn supporting someone in hard times, that is true love and you and I are so blessed to have it. Those who take it for granted...it's their loss. I forgot to say that I also had some positive thoughts about this last night. It made me realize that I really am glad I am the way I am and proud of my values. This girl was also one of those super excited brides, no doubts at all, so it goes to show that those things aren't great predictors and marriage really is about learning how to "fall in love" with someone from a deeper place, among other things. I just feel bad for my friend. She's become a complete cynic when it comes to love and marriage because of all this and it's a shame.

Last Edited By: ThinkBee 11/06/08 06:58:30. Edited 1 times. [ # Topanga - 3 ] Posts: 108 ThinkBee, I'm sorry you're going through this. Try not to let it (11/06/08 08:03:14) upset you too much. As with most advice, I know that's easier

said than done.

I remember reading some articles about how it's relatively common for women to divorce in their 30s. One of the authors put forth that most women reach their sexual peak in their 30s and that some women reacted to this surge in sexual desire by divorcing their current partners and finding new ones. I don't

know how accurate that explanation is, but I have read several sources that claim that women experience testosterone surges in their 30s. So, long story short, your friend could very well be right that her sister IS behaving irrationally and will regret her decision. It's sad that she's not willing to go to therapy or stick it out a little longer. Of course, as with all stories, we don't have all the facts. There could easily be something else at play that we don't know about. As for your last question, I think most people DON'T end their marriages for this reason. I've read a lot of research that says that couples who divorce say they are still in love, but can not stay married for other reasons (e.g. abuse, financial disagreement, infidelity, etc). Everything I've read says that it's relatively rare to end a marriage because one or both partners have fallen out of love. That having been said, you know better than anyone, ThinkBee, that love is more than butterflies and first dates and excitement. True love is staying by someone's side, day after day. True love is measured not by how long a couple can stay together in good times, but how long they can stay together in difficult times. You said it perfectly in one of your old posts (and I paraphrase): "I believe the 'one for you' is the one you choose to stay with and love day after day." (heh. I had that quote on a post-it on my work computer for months!)

# babyofsix [-] 4 Posts: 655 ThinkBee... (11/06/08 08:55:10)

You know what I think? I feel sorry for your friend's sister. She was an excited bride, all hyped up on the wedding. Now, she's leaving when things don't "feel" right. Granted, some people are like that. But it's sad to me. To not realize that things like marriage take work, that you're not always going to "feel" love toward your spouse, and that it's OK... makes me sad. But, like Topanga said, there might be more to the story than we or your friend know. Maybe there's something deeper, and she "fell out of love" because of one or several other issues that people outside of the closed doors don't realize.

I'd feel proud too. You know what you and your DH have together... something amazing, something others should (and probably do) envy. You two know what it takes. You understand 14 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com

the ebbs and flows. You two would be willing to work toward a positive end if something negative ever came up. I'd be so proud of that if I were you. This guy might seem like a great guy to all of you. Maybe he truly is a great guy. But maybe it just isn't working for one reason or another.

The "I'm not in love with him anymore" reason drives me nuts. My one friend used that after ending a relationship while I was anxious before the wedding and it made me crazy. Finally, I got to a point where I thought, "That's her life." I never fell out of love with DH... even if I felt like it. The kind of love DH and I have now is much more than "butterflies." It's laughter, inside jokes, being able to be pissy and know the other person will be there, supportive, comfortable... and I'll keep it.

# overanalyzingbride [-] 5 Posts: 111 ThinkBee, first, I hope that your friend isn't engaged! How (11/06/08 09:08:11) confusing and difficult for her to go through her parent's and

sister's divorces all at once. Maybe their parent's divorce is affecting your friend's sister.

I feel like marriage is not about butterflies and feeling in love. It's a great start to a relationship, but in the long run, having a partner that is a friend is so much more important. I think CB talked about learning to fall in love with your husband as your best friend. As I am getting used to being married, I really like that we are like best friends, and it's very comforting. Thinking like this has eased a lot of my anxiety instead of trying and wanting to make our relationship romantic all of the time - that's just not us. I don't know any married couples that get bleary- eyed all of the time talking to and looking at each other. Yes, they love each other, but as best friends, not with butterflies 24/7.

I can share in your frustration about hearing people talk like this. I have a friend who has been married for 9 years, but has dealt with the issue of not feeling in love. He's more of an actions guys, while she needs physical affection and words of affirmation, and that's not his forte. So, I understand her need for a little more, but she talks as if she is so unhappy being

married to him because he doesn't tell her she's beautiful everyday (that would make her feel in love.) (Just so I don't spike anyone's anxiety, she needs a LOT of attention, and I don't think anyone could meet that need.) I honestly feel like she is ruining her marriage to a great guy because she is searching for the butterflies. Needless to say, their marriage didn't help my engagement anxiety.

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about marriage. We are fed the idea that our Prince Charming is out there, and that we shouldn't settle for anything less. Part of being a conscious bride is putting the fairy tale aside and realizing that we have great guys in front of us. While they may not set off fireworks every day, they are great guys, our best friends, and we should be thankful for that. Unfortunately, people don't realize that marriage isn't about butterflies and fireworks, and when they realize it's anything less, they want out and/or start looking elsewhere. It sounds like your friend's sister didn't realize what she was getting into when she got married, and didn't put much thought into it.

# ThinkBee [-] 6 Posts: 360 Thank you so much. I really just needed some positive (11/06/08 09:20:36) reinforcement. I tend to be a cynical person, believe it or not. My

marriage is one of the few things I've always felt so idealistic and hopeful about. I don't want to lose that, you know?

Being "in love." I do think it's semantics, to a degree. I now think of "in love" as being the honeymoon phase of a relationship, something that has passed. I think of the love I feel now very differently. It's more of a deep, precious bond that is evolving (hopefully) into a more and more selfless love. In that sense, I have never fallen out of love. But I feel funny saying "I am in love." Because I'm certainly not "in love" in that cinematic, "I can't breathe" way. Thank goodness, because this is a lot more relaxing and reliable, a lot more fulfilling on a deeper level. I just hope that my values do not change and I someday feel like I no longer care as much about having this type of love. I guess that's why this is bothering me. I worry, what if I wake up someday and think "Eh, married love is boring and too much

work. It's not all it's cracked up to be. I want the romance and excitement instead." But of course if I really felt that way, and that's what I wanted, I wouldn't be worried about it! I know there is no point in worrying. Just having a funky day today.

Did anyone else love that Obama called his wife Michelle "his best friend" in his speech the other night? I just think they seem so "real" and so adorable. I love it.

# Topanga [-] 7 Posts: 109

want the romance and excitement instead." >

When I told Brian (my husband) a few months ago that I loved "the chase" and the fact that I had to work so hard to get him (it took a year and a half of cajoling and begging before he would date me... such a good story), he told me that he worried that because I loved the chase so much that I would get bored with him and move on to something new. I remember saying to him, "Please! I had to work to get you... now I have to work to keep you! I have a marriage to work on!" I doubt that you'll wake up one day and suddenly be unbearably bored. There will always be ways to improve yourself and your marriage and if you start getting bored, you just have to come up with a new project!

And as for the romance and excitement, that's a big one for me. Because I married young and without much other relationship experience, I've found that the thrill of the chase is something I miss immensely. I never really got that out of my system. So I fantasize A LOT about the beginning of my relationship with Brian. When I'm driving, I listen to songs that I liked when we first started dating and I remember specific days that we hung out and things that we did. I also talk to Brian a lot about our past. That's my way of re-living those exciting times. Plus, it reminds me--even when I feel a little bored--that Brian and I did have a lot of exciting times together, so even if things are calmer now, I did get to experience those "butterflies" and "fireworks" with him. It reminds me that there's no point in looking elsewhere for those feelings because I've had them with my

husband, so all I need to do to experience them again is dig into my memory banks! I think there's something beautiful about watching our love grow from infatuation, to love, to a deeper kind of best friend-love, and on. I know that day by day our love is deepening and changing and I'm exciting to know what it feels like to be 70 years old and in love with the same man after 50 years. I'm dying to know what that kind of love feels like. So anytime I crave that exciting love, I remember the first days of my relationship with Brian and how lucky I was to feel that way back then and how far it's brought us... what a wonderful journey it's brought us!

# babyofsix [-] 8 Posts: 656 I LOVED watching the Obamas on election night. The fact that (11/06/08 10:43:33) immediately after the speech, they hugged and just looked at

each other... best friends and respect and full on support there. I really loved watching that more than I liked watching the results come in. She's always right there with him and I love that. But I get the feeling that she's "in charge" of the family aspect of their life. It appears (and I know, it's all surface stuff for those of us watching) that they genuinely love, respect, and support each other, and I love that they'll be in the public eye for us "conscious brides/marrieds" out there to see. 16 years and they're still amazing to watch. THAT'S something to cling to, in my opinion.

# ThinkBee [-] 9 Posts: 361 Topanga, you know what strikes me? You and I seem to think (11/06/08 10:56:24) sometimes that because we married young/without much other

relationship experience that we never "got it out of our system." Well, this girl I speak of had a ton of dating experience and relationship experience (you name it, she's done it) and obviously she still hasn't "gotten it out of her system." So I think we can officially put that "should" to bed

I was never infatuated with my husband, and we didn't have a very explosive beginning, but it was blissful and exciting in its own way. It is fun to remember that. I also think it's worth remembering that if I ever wanted to have the experience of

18 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com falling in love again (in the traditional sense), I'd have to give up another experience: that of a long and rewarding and beautiful marriage to a great guy who is my best friend and first true love. And that seems like a bad trade!

BoS, I also loved watching the Obamas. Michelle seems so down- to-earth. I remember in one interview her answering the question of "how do you make your marriage work" by saying (paraphrasing), "You have to like the person. There has to be respect there, and support, in addition to love." I'm lovin' it

questioning and nervous! Author Comment [ Le overanalyzingbride questioning and nervous! - ad ] Posts: 121 TAGS [EDIT]: None (01/13/08 01:12:55) I am new here and am glad I found this site. I started dating my fiancé about a year and a half ago. When we met, I definitely fell hard for him, and rightly so. He's a great guy and we totally clicked. We dated long distance for most of our first year and then I moved to be with him. Upon moving home, things were still good, but the excitement wore off shortly after. I started overanalyzing everything in our relationship and was picking apart out relationship, like that he's only a little bit taller than me, losing his hair, can be a wimp sometimes (it's unattractive to me...) and we haven't found a church that makes both of us happy. We don't have any major issues, hardly any minor issues. He has no issues (amazing!) I, on the other hand, struggle with anxiety and mild depression too and have seen couselors about this.

We got engaged a month ago. Since then, I have had a few panic attacks. Those have subsided but now just have general nervousness about the engagement. I come from divorced parents and fear EVERYTHING in the book when it comes to marriage. I have only had one serious relationship before him. The old bf cheated and lied and left me scared of relationships for years. He was a bad boy and I liked the excitement that came along with it.

So now I am with the nice guy, and it lacks the excitement that I wish I had more of. Sometimes I even wonder if I really love him because he doesn't make my heart skip a beat anymore. He's cute, loves kids, treats me well, is funny, good at communicating, has similar values as me, etc etc. I have nothing to question about his character. In our first year, when I saw him from across the room, I'd think how great he is and how lucky I was. I don't have that anymore, and it freaks me out. The thought of marrying him is exciting but mostly scary. Now that we are engaged I am really picking him apart and I just can't believe that I am picking 20 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com

someone apart when I feel like I should love everything about him. I am also having thoughts about other guys I could have dated in the past and what ifs.

At what point are my thoughts and questioning a sign that I shouldn't marry him? I just always thought I'd be elated and thrilled to be engaged, but I am mostly nervous. I have a pit in my stomach about this, and I'm nervous that I'm nervous. The thought of breaking it off because I'm not 100% sure makes me sick though too. Any advice? Insights? Are people happily married 20 years down the road when they had these questions in their engagement? I just always imagined that I'd be 100% sure when I got engaged.

[ # LHanks Can Relate - 1 ] Posts: 39 I could have written your post! You sound almost exactly like (01/13/08 13:52:38) me. I too have anxiety and depression at times. Which really

makes this questioning of things worse. I grew up with my mother and step-father in a loveless marriage, one filled with bitterness and my mom was miserable. Although I choose to be different from my mom and my fiancé is very different from my step-dad and I am so scared of being miserable and "stuck" like my mom was. Marriage has had a negative stigma attached to it for me. Also I have always been attracted to the wrong types of guys, the "bad boys" but was always left feeling empty and yearning for them and it was always a roller coaster ride- my needs were not met. Yet it was exciting and in some weird way met some sort of need for me. I really struggled with my fiancé because he is one of those "nice" guys, he is not all that exciting. Looking back on my life I see that the kinds of guys I am attracted to, the ones that make my socks roll up and down, are not good for me. Although the chemistry is strong in the long run I will be left with nothing. A therapist told me I am now experiencing real mature love, it feels like it is not that strong compared to what I knew because what I knew was dysfunctional and obsessive-it was not love -it was something else. I would suggest you read as much as you can on the subject,

continuing reading and writing posts on this forum. I will be married in less than 4 months and I have goods days and bad. I do believe I would have this with whomever I chose to marry because these are my issues. As far as picking him apart that is common. Those judgments are fleeting and are not true because you would not have come this far with him if you truly felt all these negative thoughts about him. Hollywood and love songs really give us a screwed up idea of the way love it is "suppose" to be. Be gentle with yourself. And no one is 100% sure when they get engaged and if they say they are they are fibbing! Hang in there LHanks

# GettingMarried Re: Can Relate [-] 2 Posts: 19 hi overanalyzing! you have come to the right place try (01/13/08 19:59:31) looking through all of the old posts and I believe you will find

many stories similar to your own It sounds like you have a great guy with no "red flags" and you are just worried right now, because hey,this IS a huge decision. you should feel good that you are taking this seriously. I have been through few periods of anxiety and this board, along with some other reading, has shown me that anxiety does not mean I am not with the right man. By now I feel great and am totally excited for my wedding and my life with my fiancé I suggest you read the conscious bride book and maybe even Recipes for a Perfect Marriage which is fiction but my favorite read so far. Hang in there, it sounds like you will be fine once you get through these doubts. Keep posting, and keep reading!

# overanalyzingbride Still nervous... [-] 3 Posts: 121 Thanks for your responses. Sometimes I feel ready to get (01/14/08 22:06:05) married and sometimes I want to cry because I am so

confused and so scared that I won't be happy being married to him. I have read Emotionally Engaged and am reading another book about marriage, and they are helping. I have read through a lot of the posts too and it's good to see that I'm not the only one!

these doubts I am having scare me, because most of my friends are married, and the ones that didn't have any doubts are very happily married. One friend had doubts about marrying her husband because she didn't always find him attractive. Now, that's the thing she still struggles with and it challenges her in her marriage everyday. He didn't have any red flags...he's a great guy and she's not completely happy. Other friends have been very sure about getting married, and even though their lives aren't perfect, they are still happy with their decision to be married to their husbands. I'm afraid of doubting now and that doubt plaguing my marriage FOREVER. I just always thought and hoped to be in the "very sure" category and I'm not and it tears me up inside.

I feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place. I can't let go of the idea that engagement isn't a happy and exciting time for me. I like to have a sense of peace about my decisions and I haven't experienced that yet about being engaged. But the thought of breaking it off puts tears in my eyes.

# ThinkBee Re: Still nervous... [-] 4 Posts: 661 I hate that feeling of worrying about whether your worrying (01/15/08 12:55:04) will ever go away. Also about whether worrying means doom

for your marriage. Ugh. I know for a fact that it doesn't though (even though I can't always convince myself to believe it!). My own mother was TERRIFIED before she married my father, and they have been together over 25 years and have a very good relationship and are happy. She was so scared she got engaged and married a month and a half later because she couldn't stand the anxiety. She also said she worried after getting married about making a huge mistake from time to time for about seven years, but eventually she just came to terms with it. Think of it this way: if you're a worrier, you're going to be worried about SOMETHING anyway, at any given time. So maybe it'll be your relationship. But I think it does get better. Your friends that didn't have any doubts probably think with

their emotions or just don't think about things as much as you do. Or maybe they are just so in love with love or the idea of being married that it overrides any other feelings they might have had. Lucky for them! But you aren't them. Have you ever been "very sure" about anything? I know I haven't! That's just not in my personality AT ALL. And it sucks sometimes My advice is don't give up yet! Think positive thoughts and that it will get better.

# overanalyzingbride It's nice to know [-] 5 Posts: 121 that your mom has been happy with her decision (and lasted (01/15/08 18:42:13) 25 years!) even though she was really worried about getting

married. I think my friends were probably really excited to get married and didn't think about everything. They were recently out of college, and here I am, 29, and have heard their stories of the good things and challenges of being married. People that I have talked to about my nervousness just say that I am 1) honest and 2) not blinded by the thought of marriage. (Yay for everyone on here!)They know he's a great guy and think we are a great couple. I just have to figure out what I think/feel about this....

Every now and then I am sure about decisions, but they certainly not life commitments and are few and far between. I was even nervous about moving into my new apartment!! And I don't have a lease! That's a good point, and I will try to think positive thoughts and stop picking him apart. I just feel like I am in a funk and if I were happy and not stressed about other things in my life as well that I'd be happier with him. I just want my stomach to not turn when someone says fiancé and marriage, but to be excited.

Thanks so much for your encouragement and insight, Thinkbee.

# overanalyzingbride Hi again [-] 6 Posts: 121 My fiancé is out of town right now, and typically when he is (01/30/08 22:48:10) gone, my anxiety spikes. I start thinking about everything

too much and take little issues and blow them up and convince myself that these are huge problems. I read somewhere on here, I think, that this isn't abnormal, to have more anxiety when separated from a loved one. Can anyone tell me more about this?

I haven't had any sort of panic attack or anything, but can feel the general nervousness start to creep in. I am starting to worry about little things that I have worried about before (the church issue, if he REALLY makes me happy enough, if we will really be happy or if our marriage will fall apart in the first year, etc.) I realize these fears are irrational, but this is what I think about when I have time. I go over everything that could go wrong. Does anyone have suggestions how to quiet my thoughts down?

# Unregistered(d) So True [-] 7 Posts: 0 ...the feelings you are having. I stumbled across this site (02/22/08 09:22:03) because I was searching for reasons women have "cold feet"

before they marry. I feel so much better after reading some of the posts on this site, especially yours. Because it is normal what we are feeling! I have come across many women who have histories of anxiety and that is me as well. I guess the anxious person will doubt everything, even though they know that their decision is the right one. I have anxiety on any decision that I make, so why would this be any different? I too, have been nit-picking my fiancé recently. I am in love with him and he treats me amazingly, but there are some things I cannot turn my back on. My problem is if these things are "deal breakers" or not. What will happen 10 years down the road? Will these things I deal with now become issues?

The biggest concern I have is that I am also not too thrilled about the wedding. I am very happy and have been planning everything, but I feel like I should be happier. I do have a ways to go (October) so I am chalking it up to that, but I don't know. I have never been trusting of my gut feelings, so I don't really know if this is the right decision for me or if I am just being anxious again. I don't like to compare myself

to others, but do feel like I should be happier. My fiancé has made comments that I am not happy and he doesn't think he can make me happy, which hurts and makes me think that if he can sense it, then it might be a bad idea to go through with the wedding. I don't want him to feel like his efforts are fruitless. This is really not the first time a man has told me this. I realize that it is an issue inside that I have to deal with. I take anxiety meds and feel that they dull my emotions, so this may also be causing the lack of excitement. I cannot discuss any of this with my friends because they won't get it. You seem like someone who can understand what I am going through. What are your thoughts?

Love vs Infatuation Author Comment [ Le ChristmasBride2006 Love vs Infatuation - ad ] Posts: 1355 TAGS [EDIT]: None (02/28/07 13:54:32) Hello ladies,

I saw this on a marriage message board and thought *most* of it rang so true, so I thought I'd share it with you all.

Quote:

What, then, is this elusive thing called love that everyone so desperately needs? Sometimes, we sort of like this girl because she is beautiful. Or the girl likes him because he is handsome. But this kind of "Cinderella Syndrome" when the girl is waiting on her Prince Charming, is not real love. It is better known as "infatuation", and there is a vast difference between it and real love.

INFATUATION: Infatuation is a feeling; real love involves commitment also. Infatuation is just love of emotion. Real love, though, is love of devotion. Only the emotions are affected in infatuation, but in real love both the emotions and the will are involved.

Next, a person "falls into" infatuation, but "grows into" real love. Infatuation doesn't know much in-depth about the person you so-called love. Thus, infatuation is mostly foolish, extravagant desire.

Infatuation is basically selfish where real love is basically selfless. Infatuation is more interested in satisfying the self and the "feeling" than it is in the other person.

Real love is primarily interested in the other person. It seeks to give instead of get.. Love unselfishly seeks the highest good for the other person.

love is strengthened by time and separation.

LOVE: The word "patient" defined means to wait patiently for the fulfillment of expectations.

Contrary to infatuation, which will push a relationship to progress faster, love is willing to give a relationship time to grow at a natural pace. It does not push but is willing to wait for the relationship to grow at a rate that is satisfactory to both parties.

Love seeks to encourage and build up others. It respects the feelings and emotions of others. It finds its greatest satisfaction in making others happy. Love is generous, compassionate, nonjudgmental, concerned, and unashamed in the presence of others.

Unfounded jealousy usually indicates an insecure and immature heart. Love wants the best for others, but jealousy is possessive and childish.

Love is patient with the faults of others. It doesn't criticize and broadcast the faults of others. Love is there even when it knows the other is not perfect.

Real love will last though all sorts of trials, tribulations and stresses.

Love does not seek its own: This is the heart of love. Love is other-centered rather than self-centered. Love says, "I love you, I want to give to you."

Love is forgiving Lastly, this is a MUST for a successful love story. Love is willing to forgive. Love doesn't hold grudges when it has been wronged. It doesn't remain resentful. Love forgets past failures and sins.

Infatuation is instant desire. It's one set of glands calling to another. Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root

and grows one day at a time. Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved.

Love is the maturation of friendship.

HOWEVER, what I want to point out is, nobody can be perfect at love - ever. After 30 years of marriage my dad readily admits that he still has a lot to learn about love. But that's the really awesome thing about marriage - being in safe relationship that allows you to make mistakes AND continue to grow in your understanding of love.

I love how this harped on loving someone in spite of their imperfections. I think this also goes for relationships and especially marriage - nobody's relationship is perfect but a willingness to love and remain committed in an imperfect relationship speaks volumes.

[ # soontobeengaged Re: Love vs Infatuation - 1 ] Posts: 109 Wow I love this post! I think it can be difficult sometimes (02/28/07 14:25:16) when you feel "out of love" with your significant other and Reply Quote Edit Del More My Recent Posts you think where's that chemistry...that always exciting Message Me feeling we used to have?? Blocking Ignore User's REAL LOVE is really caring about someone else just as much Posts if not more than how you care about yourself. It's that Show/Hide User's Posts commitment in knowing that even when he has a pimple or Ban when you have the flu and are crabby...or even when you Manage have a terrible fight...that you will work it out...that you still Hide love one another...that you're in this together!

I think for so long I tried to find "My prince charming"...I thought that real love meant running to each other in a field of daisies....well you get the idea! But with my current bf...our relationship is real...it's honest...it's easy...it's

committed...it's so happy...and I think the greatest thing about love versus infatuation is that love allows true intimacy...something that I wouldn't trade for a million prince charmings

# consciousbride Re: Love vs Infatuation [-] 2 Posts: 255 Great post, great comments! Thanks for sharing - (03/05/07 20:49:25)

Sheryl

# Nenya14 Another good article about real love vs. infatuation [-] 3 Posts: 363 Hey guys--found this gem on Ivillage, and thought I would (03/06/07 09:05:05) post it. Sorry if it's long!

"Something is always missing," Karla said. "In the beginning of the relationship I never suspect it's going to turn out this way again. He always seems like the perfect one, finally. We're happy, excited, deeply in love, and then - reality sets in. Little traits of his start to annoy me. He forgets to call when he says he will. I start wondering who he really is? Our time together becomes run-of-the- mill, and the thrill of seeing him disappears. I look at him and wonder what I loved. Suddenly he's a stranger, and I'm a stranger to myself as well. I don't feel beautiful anymore. The light has gone from my eyes."

Of course the light can never leave Karla, but her experience is that something vital has disappeared. This happened because she was living in the grip of counterfeit love, responding to an illusion. Karla initially saw her boyfriend as perfect. She most likely knew little about him, only about her dream of him. Was she ever able to actually see or touch the real him? Did she see the part of him that is perfect, his true self?

Falling In Love With Our Fantasies

What Karla loved was her fantasy about her boyfriend, not him. All fantasies fade, they have to - that is the nature of

dreams. In the beginning the fantasy felt wonderful, though, and the beauty of it reflected upon her. She must also be perfect, she thought -- if someone like him could love her. Then reality set in.

To Karla, reality could never be perfect - only fantasy. Reality was an enemy. Daily life is an opponent of fantasy, it always forces us to be who we are and see what is before us, whether we like it or not. Karla did not like reality, and blamed it upon her boyfriend, not upon her own unwillingness to be with life as it is. Zen practice teaches the art of being with life as it is.

Like Karla, a young Zen student was shocked when she learned things about a senior student she had not known before. In a state of anxiety, she talked to a friend. "I loved him so much," she said. "I thought he as so beautiful, so perfect. Now my dreams are smashed."

The friend looked at her slowly. "You didn't love him at all," she said. "You loved your fantasies about him. If you can know the whole truth, and still love him, then that is really love."

Karla was unable to love the truth of life, to see the real beauty surrounding her. When we are ready to wake up from fantasies, we find love and joy everywhere. This is the work of Zen practice.

"Kabir says this - just throw away all thoughts of imaginary things and stand firm in that which you are."

Throw Away Thoughts Of Imaginary Things

We have little idea how to throw away imaginary thoughts and false expectations. We go to relationships with many demands and expectations. When these expectations are not met, the so-called love we have been feeling turns to hate, resentment, or feeling we have been made a fool of. Living in this manner, it is difficult to encounter real love.

When this pattern repeats too many times, some become unable to be in a relationship and live protecting themselves from failure and pain. These individuals may not be aware of the deeper problem -- that they have been caught in the grip of counterfeit love, which grabs its victims and leave them emptier than before.

Counterfeit Love

Let us stop and look more deeply at this source of pain in relationships. Counterfeit love includes the idea that love is a feeling, not a way of life. It is confusion between excitement, dependence, attachment, and love. Real love does not fluctuate. There is no rejection of another person if they do not meet our needs. The nature of our relationship with them may change, but we do not hate or become bitter.

In counterfeit love, when we have strong feelings towards someone, we immediately assume that we are in love. As all feelings change most people are convinced that love cannot last. They do not realize that it is the nature of feelings to change, and also the nature of counterfeit love. Real love never discards anybody; it knows and accepts that true relationship is based upon something deeper than feelings that come and go.

Zen In Action

Exercise: Unmasking Counterfeit Love Describe what love means to you and how a person has to be for you to love him. Describe some situations in which you felt you had love, only to be disappointed. What did you take to be love that might have merely been infatuation, need, or fantasy? In your present relationship, for a week, give up one expectation a day. Let the person and relationship be just as they are. Do the same for yourself. See how you and your partner begin to feel. Keep a diary about this. You'll be amazed.

# Sendak Re: thanks, Nenya [-] 4 Posts: 188 It's so interesting that the ideals of Zen keep popping up (03/06/07 09:24:37) everywhere in my life these days and the more I know about

it, the more I realize that is the way I want to live if I'm ever going to be satisfied.

Great article, Nenya -- thanks for sharing and inadvertently contributing even more Zen to my life!

# babyofsix Bringing it back up... [-] 5 Posts: 938 I felt the need to browse some old posts and found this one (10/31/07 08:24:30) from CB and Nenya. I love what these articles say and this is

fundamentally what I struggle with the most.

Nenya, if you see this, do you remember where you found the thing you posted? I'm so intrigued in meditation and Zen and all that stuff, but I'm afraid (go figure ) to put it into practice because "what if it doesn't work for me?" Haha.

# overanalyzingbride Re: Bringing it back up... [-] 6 Posts: 121 I think this is a really cool post. Sometimes I feel like the (02/24/08 13:34:43) success of my marriage is up to the stars...like I have no

control over it. Sometimes I feel like my relationship is inadequate because I am not feeling "in love" enough every second, but really, that's not what makes a marriage work. It takes a lot more and we do have control over the success and our happiness in it.

# Nenya14 Re: Bringing it back up... [-] 7 Posts: 363 Hey there B06- (02/27/08 15:11:10)

Unfortch I'm not sure where I found that article...maybe Ivillage or something?

Regardless, you can find tons of information on zen buddhism, either at the bookstore, online (be prudent though), at a meditation or buddhist center, etc. 33 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com

I tend to lean towards Buddhist principles in the way I want to live my life...and the principles rest highly on unreaction and unattachment. That means, in layman's terms, when someone gives you good news picture a nonreaction such as "is that so?" because an hour later that same friend may give you bad news, again, your non reaction is "is that so"...it's the idea that everything passes....the idea of impermanence, that this too shall pass...the good AND the bad. The unattachment part for one, not being attached to THINGS, such as material possessions, people such as friends lovers, etc. and most of all to not be attached to feelings and emotions...because "this too shall pass".

Am I confusing you yet? Hee hee...

Anyhow what I feel you will find is if you APPROACH meditation (which zen Buddhism relies on) with the mindset that you are not ATTACHED to the outcome, then you CANNOT fail. Whatever happens is exactly what needs to happen to teach you best in that moment. Maybe meditation won't work for you, but maybe in TRYING to meditate, you will come across something that may benefit you more. Remember, meditation is not about shoving our thoughts down, it's just about not giving them any power and "observing" them from a neutral place...almost like watching them float by on lily pads on a river, no judgment they just are what they are, and they inevitably pass, because....

this too, shall pass!

Enough Spark? Author Comment [ Le sammy Enough Spark? - ad ] Posts: 16 TAGS [EDIT]: None (12/04/09 09:20:12) I was checking out the articles on the Conscious Weddings homepage and as I was reading through "Marriage is a Work in Progress" I was completed stopped and hugely spiked by the term "enough spark" - here it is in the sentence:

Like all courageous endeavors, marriage can and must evolve over time. We enter into it with the greatest of intentions, hope, and commitment. We spend enough time together to determine if the partnership is a good match in terms of shared values, enough spark, some ability to resolve conflict, and no serious red-flags.

I have pretty much always questioned whether or not my husband and I had "enough spark" to make things last. He's a good, caring, generous, and hard-working man. But I worry because the thought of him or the presence of him (even after frequent absences) does not make my body tingle with excitement. I know that it's not realistic to want to feel this way all the time, but I am missing the feeling completely. I sometimes feel as if I brace myself to tolerate him, to tolerate what our relationship is... which is good but boring. Even when we do "exciting" things together, I feel like the essence of our relationship is dull. I actually pondered aloud to him a few weeks back whether marriage was the right thing for me or not? Ugh, this is truly an awful feeling.

What does "enough spark" mean anyway?! I guess my major concern comes in because I shared A LOT of spark with an old boyfriend (whom I can't seem to stop thinking about, even after being apart for six years). I wonder if my inability to let go of that feeling and the mental ties to that old relationship is preventing me from being truly intimate and creating sparks with my husband?

I feel AWFUL about feeling this way. I've been struggling so much with it. Any thoughts about how to decipher "enough spark" would be greatly appreciated!!

[ # parisgirl - 1 ] Posts: 59 Hey Sammy-- (12/04/09 09:59:54) Did you read the other article (maybe it's in the archives on

the site) about the "old boyfriends"? Sheryl addresses this too. There is always one super hot boyfriend from the past that we had a sexually charged relationship with that we idealize once married/engaged. But there was a reason that boyfriend was not life-partner material. We tend to forget this when our husband/fiancé doesn't do it for us. Remind yourself that there was a reason you didn't end up with this guy.

I have asked myself the same question (is there enough spark?) and worried about the same thing, but I think it's normal for attraction to wax and wane. For attraction to occur, you need intimacy, and for intimacy to occur, you need to connect with your husband. For me this means long, rambling conversations about meaningful topics like politics, art, family, etc. Whenever I lose track of time while talking to my husband about something stimulating and interesting, I feel like getting it on (for lack of a better description). Our minds are really our most powerful sex organ, and when I connect in meaningful ways it helps foster sexual attraction. Maybe for you doing something together like taking a walk, or talking about a movie that you've seen, or cooking together, or whatever you find stimulating would help you feel more attracted to your spouse. I think at this point expecting an immediate physical response every time you see your husband isn't realistic. That *zing* only happens when someone is still somewhat of a mystery. Your husband isn't a mystery anymore.

I don't know if this makes sense, but I wanted to offer my two cents because I think this is a pretty common phenomenon. For me I need to talk a lot with my husband to

feel connected, but for some women just cuddling or sitting together works too. Find what works for you.

[ # heartpounding - 2 ] Posts: 109 Also, don't confuse spark with drama. I had what I thought (12/04/09 11:12:20) was "spark" with my high school sweetheart, but what really

was just me ALWAYS fighting for his attention. The more he pulled away, the closer I wanted to be to him and the more I chased him. The more attention he gave to other people, the more excited I became when it was my turn to get the attention. I do still think back on our relationship, because I was the one to break up with him knowing the relationship was bad but I don't think I ever expressed it well or he ever realized just how much I felt hurt by him. I think that kind of "spark" is incredibly unfulfilling because it is that desire for closeness that just isn't being met, making you continue to go after it.

My fiancé was SO available to me in the beginning that the lack of drama and chase made me feel something was wrong. But it was really just what a healthy relationship was. I don't constantly have those fluttery feelings for him anymore, but c'mon: I've seen the man vomit, poop on the toilet, etc. We've been together for almost 4 years. We have a lot of responsibilities and we know each others good and bad qualities. He has been working a lot lately and I do miss having him home, miss his company (I also miss the help around the house). But I also like having my space. Even when he IS home, sometimes he just wants to play video games and I just want to watch TV, so there isn't that CRAVING to be near. I do still feel fluttery moments (not as frequently) but it's because I’m not obsessing over it or forcing it. He does something sweet or says something and I just feel good, proud to be with him, thankful for who he is and the effort he makes. Just this morning FI said something a little snappy to me about something I did and then a few minutes later when I was trying to explain myself he came out and apologized saying he knew he shouldn't have done that! This comes just after a conversation about me needing

him to share responsibility in our disagreements so I was like, WOW he listened!

What is enough spark? How about, how do you define spark? If you are thinking of that excited feeling of the first touch, wondering if he is going to call, can't wait until our next date feeling, I would say most married couples do not feel this way about each other after years of dating and then being under the same roof for a period of time. For me, spark is that feeling I get when our eyes meet during a group conversation and we both share a private joke or shared thought. It's when we have one of those "complete your sentence" moments (they don't always happen, but sometimes they do). It's when he backs me up when I'm telling him about an argument with my mom. It happened when I realized he was crying during Marley and Me (and he is NOT a crier) and he got all embarrassed. It's a different kind of connection from the lusty feelings of the first few months.

I also have always loved with other married women have said about this board about handling post-wedding anxiety. You are married. You made the choice. You weighed the options. You chose your husband. Now is no longer the time for questions like should I or should I not get/stay married. Now is the time for, okay I'm married, what can I do to make this relationship be all that it can? How can I temper my unrealistic expectations or fantasies? I don't advocate staying in a BAD or UNHAPPY marriage, but I do believe making the effort and trying to get out of those "what if" thoughts. There is definitely a transition after the wedding that occurs and it is hard, but it's important to try to adjust rather than just saying it was a mistake. No relationship sustains that high that you get at the beginning. The only way to sustain that in your life is to jump from one relationship to the next, leaving when it gets into that settled stage. Which is also a great way to avoid being vulnerable, avoid allowing someone to really know you, avoid actually having to work at it. I think there is a definitely a certain amount of compatibility needed to make a marriage work, but mostly it is what you do with that compatibility and how

you focus on building the relationship rather than focusing on some of the things you don't have, or don't have enough of in your opinion.

# sammy [-] 3 Posts: 17 Thank you for the article tip! I was able to find it & read it. (12/04/09 11:24:41) There were a lot of good points in there. (Isn't Sheryl

amazing? I will likely read it over and over again!) However, I wish I could figure out how to complete the transition out of that prior relationship and put it to rest once and for all. He wasn't a bad boy or wild or crazy... quite the contrary - he was responsible, kind, funny, intelligent, driven, loyal, etc. He just wasn't ready to get married - and he wasn't sure that he'd ever be ready (due to a divorce situation in his past which he considered his greatest failure). I didn't think that I should have to give up my dream of being married, so I broke things off, even though I didn't want to... what I really wanted was to be with him in an even more committed way. The decision has been plaguing me ever since. There are times that I think I've come to terms with my decision, but it always comes back to haunt me. Uuuggghh! I really wish I could just put it to rest.

Anyway, so now I am married to a great guy yet I continue to think about this past relationship. I know it's not helpful, but I can't stop myself from comparing the feelings of excitement, laughter, and hope that were almost constant with my ex to my current feelings toward my husband & our marriage which are more along the lines of solid and steady but bland and boring.

I committed to my husband for a lifetime, and I am going to honor that promise. I want to be with him as his friend and wife, but I just wish I felt more spark and more energy when we are together. Does that make sense? Basically, I want to want him more. Can that feeling be created? I'm hoping that the answer is yes! When he is home this weekend, I am going to try out the long conversation thing... I recall feeling hopeful (and yes, aroused) about our future when we used to sit on the couch and talk for hours. It's been a long time

since we've lived under one roof (due to his job relocation) so I'm sure that doesn't help matters much.

Anyway, this response is all over the place - sorry! I do appreciate your thoughts & please keep your fingers crossed that things go well this weekend.

# sammy [-] 4 Posts: 18 hp, I think you've hit on a very important distinction for (12/04/09 12:00:31) me... spark = drama vs spark = compatibility. If I'm

completely honest with myself and my memories of this now distant relationship with the ex, I would have to say that "the spark" was probably directly correlated to his availability (as in long-term commitment... which he WAS NOT available and in his own words 'may never be'). I guess I was always the pursuer so definitely SPARK = emotional drama!

I can relate to you when you say that your relationship with your fiancé felt almost wrong at first because he was so open and available. My husband was the same way, but I remember thinking, "Aaah, what a refreshing change of pace. We're on a level playing field here." That was SO attractive to me after being in my previous relationship and it felt amazing to be in a healthy relationship where there was no elephant in the room (as in me waiting for the ex to want to get married). Now if I could just remember that spark can also mean being yourself and having a sense of ease around someone, in other words, being compatible.

And believe me, I am old enough to know what a good relationship entails and what the essence of marriage is about. That's why I get so frustrated with myself when I get tripped up thinking about the ex, thinking about "that feeling", and actually allowing it to worm its way into my conscience & assigning meaning to the feeling, in spite of my logic. It's more irritating than I could ever explain.

I love the "choice" line of thinking, too. I guess I just needed to be reminded of it and have it pointed toward my particular situation. I did indeed choose my husband. And honestly, I

would do it again! I worked hard through the engagement process to be conscious of my feelings, work through the transitions, and move through my fear. I worked with Sheryl and I had a lovely, conscious, and meaningful wedding day. Most of my marriage (2.5 yrs) has been very good. It's just that I sometimes fall prey to the "choose your own adventure" thinking and delve too deeply into what would have happened if I had/hadn't made certain choices. It's like poison in my brain, growing more potent as I roll it over and over. With all my heart, I simply want to FORGET about the other guy for good & be able to truly focus on my marriage, my husband, and my reality. I hope it doesn't sound like I want to leave my husband, because I DO NOT! I just want to feel more connected and more sparky (ha).

I just got scared, a pang of fear and panic washed over me, when I read that line about "enough spark." I need to work on my definition of spark, without the drama. Thanks again hp!

# parisgirl [-] 5 Posts: 60 Sammy-- (12/06/09 14:50:57) Sounds like you are doing some good soul-searching around

this topic. But you are asking yourself unanswerable "what if" questions: what if I married my ex? What if I were able to convince him that he did actually want to get married? etc. etc. Someone told me that when a man tells you something negative about himself, you have to believe him. Your ex told you he may never have wanted to get married, and you have to believe that. You never would have been able to convince him otherwise. Who knows, if you had stayed with him, you might still be waiting! You will never ever know what it would be like to BE with that other guy long-term, so maybe you should focus on letting go of the fantasy/daydream, instead of still living in the question. Some women fall in the trap of thinking they can change a man, and you were smart enough to walk away from your ex, even if he was wonderful in many ways. Men who can't commit are fundamentally selfish in some ways (not that there is anything wrong with choosing to stay single) in the

sense that they will never allow themselves to be truly available in the ways that are necessary for a long-term commitment to work. I think you still have a lot of idealization and fantasy around this man, and maybe try and work through that instead of focusing on the deficits of your husband.

# sammy [-] 6 Posts: 20 So, I just wanted to pop in and say that I had the best (12/08/09 08:30:53) weekend with my husband! We didn't do anything

particularly exciting, we just relaxed and enjoyed each other. We talked about our future. We made each other a priority and really connected. Because we've been living in 2 different states for a while (job-related), it's been a while since we have been able to do this. I'm sure that the long distance (and house selling, temporary housing, multiple moves, job layoff, etc) doesn't help my natural inclination to be anxious... that anxiety quickly turns into fear... that fear needs a "cause"... that "cause" inevitably ends up being placed on my husband's flaws (which don't bother me when I'm not feeling anxious) and/or my past decisions that have brought me to this point (aka break-up with last bf). As messed up as that sounds, I'm so glad that I'm finally seeing the trend so that I can recognize it sooner & nip it in the bud.

I also think that by writing on this board and getting my fears out in the open, I've been able to see how ridiculous they really are. I must remember to not let them swill around in my head for too long or they will start to seem real & make me crazy. So, thank you girls for listening, writing, and being there.

I truly love being married. Even with all of the fear and anxiety I've experienced, and without the ability to tell the future, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

# consciousbride [-] 7 Posts: 243 Oh, my - and I was hoping to reduce anxiety through these (12/09/09 12:59:07) 42 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com

articles, not increase it! Here's what I meant by "spark" (and I can understand why the word spiked you): I mean that you're connected to each other, you like each other, there's a desire to spend time with your partner in a variety of ways. I actually didn't mean it in a sexual way! When I think of spark between partners I mean that there's something that draws two people together - and that something can be a lot of different things. I hope that helps! Sheryl

# sammy [-] 8 Posts: 23 Thank you for the clarification, Sheryl! That makes total (12/09/09 13:39:49) sense... especially when I'm not in a fearful, anxious

mindset. Actually, being spiked by that term in your article and then posting here has been a real eye opener for me. I was able to track the progress of my anxiety & see how it morphs into something totally unrecognizable. For example, I went from "enough spark, hmmm I wonder what that means?" to making false 'absolute' statements like "I am missing those spark feelings entirely" to torturing myself with unanswerable questions like "maybe I shouldn't have dumped X?" and "am I cut out to be married?" It got out of control really fast. But by expressing my feelings here, taking space from it, getting feedback, and tapping into my logic and trusting myself, I got back on track really fast.

Thank you so much for this safe place to express our deepest, most misunderstood feelings! I'm loving the clarity that I have right now... all of the tools and skills you've provided are really starting to gel for me! I honestly couldn't be more grateful. Thank you!

# consciousbride [-] 9 Posts: 244 You're so welcome. Yes, much of this work is about just (12/10/09 07:27:32) being able to express your true feelings in a safe place and

learning how to access your logical, truthful part of you. It sounds like you're doing great work!

Sheryl

Book Recommendation: First Comes Marriage Author Comment [ Le consciousbride Book Recommendation: First Comes Marriage - ad ] Posts: 212 TAGS [EDIT]: None (11/30/08 17:09:54) Upon Sammy's recommendation (thank you, Sammy!), I just read a wonderful book that I'd like to recommend to all of you: First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages by Reva Seth. Aside from the focus on arranged marriages (which I personally find fascinating), it's the book I thought I was going to have to write and now don't have to! She illuminates and dispels so many of the myths that we talk about on this board and with my clients about what couples should base their marriage on. Here are some excerpts:

"From movies to music lyrics, the idea of helpless infatuation and having no choice but to love someone (no matter how unlikely or inappropriate) is constantly being glamorized and held up a model of real love. Admittedly, it might feel like fun at the time, but it's a terrible way to approach anything long-term, especially something as important as marriage."

"Be realistic about the role of a life partner: Women in arranged marriages view their husbands not as their primary source of happiness or as a means of rescue, but instead as life partners, friends, and people who will provide them with support, companionship, children, and family life."

"Break up with the fantasy man in your head: No man is perfect or perfectly suited to your every desire and need. Your real goal should be finding happiness and fulfillment with a real person."

"Ditch the fairy tale. Next time you're relaxing with a romantic comedy, take a second look and consider what the movie is really saying and promoting. Is it realistic? I doubt it."

your needs met from a variety of different sources, including friends, family, and yourself."

While there are a few of her points that I disagree with, overall I think this book is EXCELLENT and I urge all of you to read it as soon as possible! And let me know what you think -

Sheryl

[ # babyofsix - 1 ] Posts: 697 "Break up with the fantasy man in your head: No man (11/30/08 17:14:32) is perfect or perfectly suited to your every desire and

need. Your real goal should be finding happiness and fulfillment with a real person."

Wow, did I need to hear this this weekend. Along with the quote following it about ditching the fairy tale. Don't know why I slipped back to that place (well, yeah, I do... it was a movie ).

Thanks for the recommendation, Sheryl. I'll have to definitely go check it out. Barnes and Noble, here I come!

[ # consciousbride - 2 ] Posts: 213 What movie was it? I'm so curious to hear about why and (11/30/08 19:18:15) how we slip back into that fantasy realm, and I would

venture to guess that it's mostly triggered by films and magazine stories/images.

I would also love to start collecting a list of films, novels, and stories that promote healthy relationships and marriages, i.e. those NOT based on fantasy and the romantic myth so rampant in our culture. I'll probably start a different thread on this request, but if you have any ideas, chime in. (Along the lines of "Recipes for a Perfect Marriage", which I know you love, BO6!

# ThinkBee [-] 3 Posts: 395 Thanks for this recommendation. I have a good friend whose (11/30/08 19:42:33) parents had an arranged marriage and it worked out rather

splendidly so this topic has always fascinated me too!

I think I've said this before, but along the lines of arranged marriages, The Namesake is just a beautiful book/movie. For some reason I think the film (more than the book by Jhumpa Lahiri) focuses more on the marriage between the protagonist's parents and the profound love that grows between these two strangers. I found it very calming to watch when I was anxious about getting married. And it's just a gorgeous film (by director Mira Nair).

# consciousbride [-] 4 Posts: 214 Great - this is exactly the kind of recommendation I'm (11/30/08 19:52:23) looking for. I'll add it to my Netflix cue immediately!

I'd also love to collect a list of films to avoid because they promote the unhealthy beliefs about love and marriage, i.e. The Notebook. I always tell my clients to avoid popular magazines (all bride magazines, People, Us, etc) during their engagement, but I'd like to be more specific than that.

# babyofsix [-] 5 Posts: 698 Funny thing... The Notebook doesn't seem to spike me all (12/01/08 04:19:29) that much. I could completely see how it would, but for the

most part, it makes me want to be near my DH. Weird... since I'm usually pretty susceptible to these genres of movies, at least for a little while.

The movie (don't laugh ) was Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. It really just made me think of one of my "what if" guys from high school... and did I put forth effort to pursue if that relationship could've been anything more (we lived in 2

different states). Also, it put me a little into the "did I do enough before marriage?" I really don't think this movie will continue to make me feel this way... it's more of a coming of age movie. I think it was more of a post-holiday funk and too much time "relaxing" that got my mind going. I was in a crabby mood the morning I watched it.

Along the lines of what things you tell brides to avoid... again, People never bugs me too much. I think of it as an escape magazine. And, honestly, I've never put a lot of weight on celebrity relationships because of how flighty they are. However, there were a few times of fantasy regarding some up and coming male celebrities during engagement that kind of freaked me out... but with celebrities, I tend to get over it quickly because it's so far fetched to me.

# consciousbride [-] 6 Posts: 215 That's interesting - I guess the "spike" films and magazines (12/01/08 06:44:57) will be different for everyone. Perhaps I'll just collect a "films

to watch" list instead of ones to avoid.

With The Notebook, it wasn't so much that I could see it spiking people as much as I disagree with films and novels that support the belief in "the one" and "soulmate", especially since the guy she was initially with was good, honest, loving, and would have made a wonderful life partner. I think it supports the false and damaging belief that if you're not head over heels in love with your fiancé then something is missing and you should wait for someone else.

# ThinkBee [-] 7 Posts: 397 Guess it is different for everyone. When I was engaged I (12/01/08 07:51:51) couldn't watch/read anything without getting spiked, I was

so easily influenced. For 9 months I mainly read religious books and the newspaper and watched PBS, haha. Now I'm not bothered by much, more amazed than anything else, that there is just so much crap promoted in the media and pop culture. I can no longer read girlie magazines, not to be

uptight, but I find them kind of repulsive and boring!

I think with films like the Notebook you need to just go into it remembering that it's a fantasy. "Check your brain at the door," as my dad always says. The way I think of it is: This kind of fairytale does not exist in real life, which is precisely why so many people write about it. It's like a way of preserving that perfect "in love" experience forever, rendering it untouchable in art since in real life it cannot survive for long because it is an illusion. Everyone craves perfection, but it only exists in an artistic realm. And I've also always thought that life imitates art more than the reverse. In other words, those movies and books do not reflect experiences people actually had, but rather the experiences they wish they had: the ideal, refined version. So there is no point in comparing real life to that, or thinking that these things actually exist. Just enjoy them for what they are: brain candy!

The Sex and the City movie/show kind of used to spike me. I like the Miranda-Steve storyline but the Carrie-Big storyline just amazes me, it's so ridiculous. And the movie takes it to a whole new level of awfulness. I still have very mixed feelings about the impact of it on our culture. Maybe I'm just no fun, haha

Book Recommendation and a little Reflection Author Comment [ Le Topanga Book Recommendation and a little Reflection - ad ] Posts: 148 TAGS [EDIT]: None (12/09/08 09:01:19) While I was in the library yesterday, I stumbled across the book "The Truth About Love: The Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make It Last Forever" by Dr. Patricia Love (ha). While her writing style isn't my all-time favorite and I thought it dragged at points, I was really struck by her introduction (although it spiked me at first).

She talked about the end of her first marriage, how after having children she and her first husband slowly grew apart and eventually divorced. What fascinated me was that now, many years and several studies later, she has come to the conclusion that divorcing her husband was the biggest mistakes she has ever made. She talks about how she has since learned that what she and her first husband mistook as "falling out of love" was, in reality, just a normal "low" point in long-term relationships. She said pretty much verbatim what Sheryl did about the Notebook (only gender opposite): "I gave up a wonderful, loving man and father." She regrets, after all these years, letting go of a healthy, solid relationship because, at the time, she didn't know that her feelings of distance and ambivalence were normal.

Obviously she's talking about a different stage of marriage than most of us are at, but I related to it in a very profound way nonetheless. It's so easy to misconstrue engagement anxiety and ambivalence as signs that the relationship as run its course. In fact, I think our culture tells us to.

But what I've found continually fascinating about my own relationship is the life/death cycle that lives within it. Every time I feel dull and bored and unhappy and begin to question the rightness of the relationship, I'm amazed to find that a few days later (or only a few hours), something suddenly connects me to my husband again--a joke, a shared moment, a selfless act-- and I feel life being breathed back 49 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com

into our relationship. It's so strange to me that the cycle of life can live in a committed relationship and yet...there it is.

Of course, the catch with any cycle is that if you leave during the winter, you never get to see the flowers bloom in the spring. ;-)

[ # babyofsix - 1 ] Posts: 716 Great points, Topanga. (12/09/08 09:08:44)

My dad told me in an e-mail once early in my marriage: "Marriage is like housekeeping; you gotta work at it, regularly, or else you end up with a huge mess on your hands." My father has some good ones in between his quirky ones sometimes.

It's working through the lows that, in my opinion, make or break relationships. Sometimes, in those lows, walking away is easiest (and sometimes, it's the best decision). But sometimes, working through it makes things different, stronger, and better.

[ # ThinkBee - 2 ] Posts: 414 Thanks Topanga! I think it's fascinating to hear that point of (12/09/08 09:31:29) view. A few years ago I read a story in Marie

Claire/Glamour/one of those by some woman who divorced her husband (who she had two kids with) because she simply "didn't love him anymore." When I was engaged, and even now sometimes, this story would pop into my head and make me feel like barfing, for lack of a better description. The whole "moral" of the story was that sometimes, divorce is just necessary, even in a good marriage, because the passion just dies. Ugh! So I like to imagine that this woman will someday have a similar realization as the author you speak of! Even if she doesn't, I think it's her loss in life.

I love that description of the life/death cycle in relationships. It's so true. Marriage is really awesome

# lb2007 [-] 3 Posts: 93 It's a shame...there are way too many couples out there now (12/09/08 19:33:44) that experience the "normal" lows in a marriage and take it

as a red flag and they're solution is to divorce. It's way too common now and it's so very sad. Society has completely changed. That's why when I see older couples together, I just smile. I think it's so awesome to be together for so long and stick through it. Then when you see them holding hands or something, it's even better!! It's admirable and they should be looked at as role models. The quote from BOS's father says it all! How very true.

Great post, Topanga...thanks!

# ChristmasBride2006 [-] 4 Posts: 1313 I have that book and I totally agree with your review! It is a (12/10/08 06:05:35) fascinating to learn about the chemicals and stages of love

that happen physically and emotionally. Topanga, your comment about being in a "winter" season of marriage reminds me of another book - "The Four Seasons of Marriage" by Gary Chapman. I haven't read it, but it is by the same guy who wrote "The Five Love Languages," which I highly recommend.

But what I've found continually fascinating about my own relationship is the life/death cycle that lives within it. Every time I feel dull and bored and unhappy and begin to question the rightness of the relationship, I'm amazed to find that a few days later (or only a few hours), something suddenly connects me to my husband again--a joke, a shared moment, a selfless act-- and I feel life being breathed back into our relationship. It's so strange to me that the cycle of life can live in a committed relationship and yet...there it is.

When I first got married, and probably even into parts of our

second year of marriage, I used to worry about those times. Eventually, I learned to accept them, and know that they were normal, that we can't be on fire for each other all the time and sometimes, marriage is boring! If I do find myself thinking about it a little too much, I just do a quick "inventory check" and see if we have been busy and need to spend some quality time with each other, OR if my I am expecting my husband to make me happy, excited and star struck (that one I'm still working on) and I need to adjust my expectations. Usually one of those two things will iron out the feeling of dissatisfaction.

The Namesake Author Comment [ Le ThinkBee The Namesake - ad ] Posts: 661 TAGS [EDIT]: None (02/04/08 10:45:48) Hey. I loved this book by Juhmpa Lahiri and I just saw the movie which was beautiful, I thought. Anyone else see it? What struck me and touched me the most about it (and I felt like this was emphasized more in the movie than in the book) was the lovely relationship between the mother and father juxtaposed with the failed relationships of their son, Gogol, the main character. The parents are Indian- born and had an arranged marriage but grew to love each other in such a subtle and real way. Their son, born in the U.S., grew up with the Western view of "love," and his love life, without getting too specific, is a lot more erratic-- full of highs and lows. Now, I'm not advocating arranged marriages, I know they also have their share of problems. But I just think this a great movie for people with engagement anxiety to watch because it shows how love grows when you give it freely. I cried so many times and of course my fiancé laughed at me

[ taraplum Re: The Namesake #1 - ] Posts: 66 It's so funny that you mentioned the arranged (02/04/08 10:54:12) marriage thing! I haven't seen The Namesake, but I've actually thought a lot lately about the 53 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com

concept of arranged marriages and how so many of them last a lifetime because the partners are committed to making it work. They may know next to nothing of each other going in, but they CHOOSE to love each other. Like you, I'm not saying arranged marriages are necessarily always the way to go, but the idea of them has given me some comfort over the past few weeks. I definitely think I'll watch the movie!

[ ThinkBee Arranged Marriages #2 - ] Posts: 661 Yea... very interesting to me as well. (02/04/08 12:25:36) Unfortunately the people arranging marriages do not always have the best intentions of the bride or groom in mind and this seems to be the main problem in my opinion. Also I know some people personally who were unable to marry, for example, an Indian man they loved because he was arranged to be married to someone else, or people who were forced into marriage at too young an age to someone they really weren't compatible with, etc. But I think the Western world can learn a lot from the Eastern societies and philosophies (also older and more traditional Western traditions) that place so much more emphasis on selfless love, family, community, contentment and balance. These seem to be the same cultures that treat marriage as a right of passage and not a pageant in which you get to play princess for a day and then have all of your dreams fulfilled by your "perfect" mate.

I also think of my mom, who has jokingly said "You made your decision. Now just think of this as an arranged marriage whenever you start to second guess it!" Haha. Honestly though, one of the wisest and most selfless women I know and probably one of the people that knows me best. She's also said that when she looks back at her life she realizes that there were a number of boyfriends she could have married and ended up happy with (people she still keeps in touch with who are actually family friends now...ah those hippies...). And she finds it so silly that she agonized over whether she was making the right decision to marry my dad at the time. Because in the end, everyone has good and bad things about them, and after the crazy romantic love fades, which it always does, you're left with just another a flawed human being, who you have shared a life with and have nurtured a bond with...but it helps if they are a good loving person with whom you share some interests and who you enjoy being around most of the time.

Share your List! Author Comment [ Le Unregistered(d) Share your List! - ad ] Posts: 0 TAGS [EDIT]: None (01/07/08 12:08:38) Someone suggested that I write down a list of all the things you love about your fiancé. I did and I feel so much better! And yes I did write a list of things I don't love about him, too. It was pretty short :-)

So here's my list: Things I love about FI: his smile his hair his chest & shoulders his sweetness & thoughtfulness him joking around his musical talent his curiosity- how he likes to learn how to do new things his cooking he always compliments me the way he looks at me his honesty and earnestness the way he's always "after" me :-) that he's ticklish the way he loves his family, friends, and his dog his eyes his love of life that he's not afraid of his emotions

- ] Posts: 46 What I love about DH (01/07/08 13:05:52) He is a very grounded individual. His faithfulness. His willingness to help with whatever I ask of him. We think the same things are fun...even if they are weird! He loves me very much!!! How he is slowly opening his heart to me (I love watching it unfold) His appreciation of everything outdoors. He is extremely hardworking! His big blue eyes

[ engagedinct Re: Share your List! #2 - ] Posts: 125 what I love about my fi: (01/07/08 13:17:16) -his adorable face -his sweet, affectionate self -we share the same interests -he's so hardworking -he's always down to do something new or fun -so genuine -so honest -treats me like a queen. always thinks of me first -we share the same dreams and desires for our life

. . . to name just a few

PirateJenny my list #3 [-] Posts: 259 I have been married 6 months but I will make (01/07/08 13:21:55) a list anyway. We had a fairly boring/uneventful weekend. Nothing wrong with reminding to myself what I love about him!

Things I love about B: He loves to cook. He makes an effort to do 1/2 the housework, so that even if I do more of it one day/week, I don't feel like his maid. He is crazy about me and isn't shy about telling me so on a near-daily basis. (I need that!) His muscular legs. His big brown eyes. He is a "big idea guy" which nicely complements me, the "detail girl". He is a talented musician. He is super excited about having kids. He is not too tall. (I love short guys) He's not afraid of expressing emotions... no "emotional constipation" with this guy! He loves to take trips and travel. He loves to be spontaneous. He loves video games as much as I do. He's not shy about "geeking out" about some topic he's nerdy about. The thoughtfulness that he puts into gifts. How he cares about making a difference in the world... with his students, his family, and in politics. His soft spot for our stupid, misbehaving pug. (I love watching them play) He is not afraid to recognize and face his

imperfections.

And my list of things I don't love about him is a lot shorter than that... cool! P.J. babyofsix Re: my list #4 [-] Posts: 938 - He opens doors for me and gets mad when I (01/07/08 13:50:48) jump ahead of him so he can't. (I've had to work on letting him sometimes).

- He'll send me text messages saying he misses me when we're not in the same town.

- He has stood by me through all the angst I've put him and myself through over the past year.

- He likes to be playful, which helps snap me out of "super serious" mode... sometimes.

- His abs!

- His back.

- He's always there for a hug when I need one.

- The way we can both just look at each other and know what the other one is thinking in most situations.

- He loves me, even with my neurotic days.

There's more, but I didn't want to forget some of these. I'll leave this list as this for now and save the rest for next time.

ChristmasBride2006 Re: my list #5 [-] Posts: 1355 -He's so motivated in everything he (01/07/08 14:30:09) does...which motivates me

- He signed up for a men's Bible study breakfast at our church... that just made my heart melt, knowing that he wants to learn how to be a better husband to me (here come the waterworks...!)

- He's so silly when I'm stressed out/anxious about moving

- He let me do some "preliminary nesting" and went home decor shopping with me on Saturday, even though we don't officially have keys to the house yet!

- He shoveled the driveway and sidewalk when it dumped 3 inches of snow on us yesterday morning... I love that man!

- He takes me out for ice cream and we go and sit in front of our new house, daydreaming about our new home.

- He reins me in when I get a little out of control with the wanting to spend money (new furniture...mmm...)

- He just...loves me, even when I ask the world of him. nicegirl my list #6 [-]

Posts: 418 This is a great thread!! Here's what I love (01/07/08 14:38:01) about B:

1. Big blue eyes 2. His incredible smile 3. Happy personality 4. Extremely compassionate 5. Emotional maturity 6. Makes me feel happy 7. Loves to do the same stuff I love to do (except for shopping - LOL!!) 8. Wants to continue to learn and grow 9. Very moral 10. Puts my needs ahead of his own.

As I've told others, I'm getting the "better end of the deal"

MB catlover Great post! #7 [-] Posts: 326 Things I love about my FI: (01/07/08 18:18:12) 1) Funny - makes me laugh at least once a day

2) Handsome

3) Cute and sweet, when he wants to be

4) Extremely hard working

5) Family Oriented

6) Loves me

7) Makes me want to be a better person

Likes to cook

9) Extremely motivated

10) His blue eyes

Just to name a few