Written & Arranged by Chip Deffaa Music & Lyrics by Irving Berlin (and others)

PRODUCTION SCRIPT

www.stagerights.com SAY IT WITH MUSIC: THE IRVING BERLIN SAGA Copyright © 2018 by Chip Deffaa All Rights Reserved

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PRODUCTION HISTORY The first reading of this musical play, under the direction of playwright Chip Deffaa, took place on February 19, 2018 at New York’s 13th Street Repertory Theater (Edith O’Hara, founder/original artistic director; Joe Battista, managing director), starring Michael Townsend Wright, Suzanne Dressler, and Jed Q. Peterson. Richard Danley has been the project’s musical director/pianist since its inception; he has also helped prepare the music and it is his piano heard on the disc of piano reference tracks for this show, available from the publisher. The premiere productions of this play, originally planned for Princeton, New Jersey and New York City in 2020-2021, have been put on hold due to the Coronavirus pandemic. A studio cast album, featuring Michael Townsend Wright, Jed Q. Peterson, Suzanne Dressler, Keith Anderson, Katherine Paulsen, and more, is being produced now and should be available by late 2020 or early 2021.

ABOUT THIS PLAY – AND FLEXIBLE CASTING “Say it with Music” is a musical play in two acts, celebrating the life and times of legendary songwriter Irving Berlin (1888-1989). It is a copyrighted work; no changes to the play— except those detailed below, for which permission is specifically granted— may be made without written permission from the author or his representatives. (If you have any questions, please contact the publisher.) You may not add new songs or dialog. But if you wish to shorten or lengthen certain songs in the show (having, for example, performers sing or dance to an additional chorus of a song), you may do so without asking permission. If you wish to make cuts to the script for time, you may do so. If you want to eliminate one character’s tap-dancing or give another character a chance to tap-dance instead (to fit the abilities of your particular actors), you may do so. If you wish to transpose keys for the convenience of your actors, you may do so.

“Say it with Music” offers tremendous opportunities for flexible casting. It is perfectly permissible to present this show with a small cast or a larger cast. It is written so that it may be performed by as few as three actors (which is the way we’ve developed it in readings): one male to portray Irving Berlin, one highly versatile male to play all of the other male characters, and one highly versatile female to play all of the female characters. (And the script assumes there are just three actors.)

But if you wish to present the play with five actors or seven actors, or nine actors… or any number of actors, you can divvy up the various roles however you please. (There are more than two dozen characters in the play.) Each character in the play can be portrayed by a different actor, if you have a very big cast. Or actors can double selected roles, as you like.

Among the many different characters we meet in this play, there are: Berlin’s two wives, his secretary, and assorted historic showbiz personalities, including George M. Cohan, Al Jolson, Judy Garland, Fred Astaire, Ethel Merman, Fanny Brice, Eddie Cantor, Sophie Tucker, Marilyn Monroe, and more.

ABOUT THIS PLAY – AND FLEXIBLE CASTING (CONT’D) You can easily add ensemble singers to certain numbers, if desired; you do not need to ask permission to do so. If the script says, for example, that Berlin is greeted by two reporters and you wish to make that a larger group of reporters instead, you could. If the script says there are carolers singing outside of Berlin’s home on Christmas Eve, you could have two actors representing the group of carolers, or you could have six or ten or more actors on stage as the carolers, if you prefer. If you mount the show using just three actors, when Irving Berlin recalls how well the Nicholas Brothers tap-danced on screen to his song “Mandy,” Berlin himself can tap-dance in remembrance. But if you mount the show with a larger cast, when Berlin speaks of the Nicholas Brothers, you could have two actors portraying the famed Nicholas Brothers come on stage and tap-dance to “Mandy” instead.

You are free to add additional singers/dancers (if you wish) wherever you see fit. If the script says that, for example, entertainer Mabel Jackson sings one chorus of a song (“I’ve Got to Have Some Lovin’ Now”) by herself, and you wish to have “Mabel and her Gals” sing two choruses instead, you can do so. If the script says that Sophie Tucker sings one chorus of a song (“Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!”) by herself, and you’d rather have “Sophie and her Boys” sing two choruses, it’s fine. (These are just examples; I could give many more.) If you want to have your entire cast (of whatever size) sing on a few big numbers (like, say, “We’re on our Way to France,” “Bring on the Pepper,” or “Everybody Step”), you’re free to do so. This musical play is written to allow for flexible casting, so you can adapt the show to the cast size that works best for you. (Some songs, of course, must remain solo numbers or duets for specific characters, and that will be obvious from the text.)

CAST OF CHARACTERS More than two dozen characters appear in this musical play. It is written so that it can be performed, if desired, with as few as three actors: one male to play Irving Berlin (the starring role), one male to cover all other male roles (about a dozen in total), and one female to cover all of the female roles (about a dozen in total). But you can perform this show with a cast of any size. If you have a very large cast, no actor need “double” any roles. If you have a cast of, say, five or seven or nine players, you can decide who “doubles” which roles. IRVING BERLIN is this play’s central figure. At the start of the play, he is 98 years old; he is dressed in a conservative suit; he wears black-rimmed glasses and uses a cane. He is a rather crotchety, cantankerous old man (but in a loveable kind of way; if he comes across as mean or hostile and the audience dislikes him, the play will not work). This play is a memory piece, and we will subsequently see Berlin at different stages of his life. If he is recalling himself as a young man, he will not use the cane or the glasses. He might take off his suit jacket. And his spirit will seem more buoyant. If he is recalling himself as a small boy (cheerfully singing “The Schoolhouse Blues,” for example), he might don a newsboy cap (which has been preset somewhere, perhaps on a hat- rack). At the end of the play, Berlin will put on a robe. HILDA is Berlin’s long-suffering secretary. She has been with him for 44 years and is used to the fact that he can be a bit of a curmudgeon. Nothing fazes her. GEORGE M. COHAN— Berlin’s friend and champion--is a dapper, confident song-and-dance man, playwright, songwriter, and producer. Hailed in his day as “the Man who Owns Broadway,” he was portrayed superbly by James Cagney in the biopic Yankee Doodle Dandy. REPORTERS. The script has Berlin being greeted in London by two British reporters, one male and one female. (If you’re using a large cast, you can add additional reporters, of either gender, if desired.) MABEL JACKSON is a hotsy-totsy entertainer at the rough joint where young Berlin works as a singing waiter. Her dress and makeup are a bit flamboyant, in a low-class kind of way. When Berlin first meets her, he mistakes her for a prostitute. MIKE SALTER runs the rough joint where young Berlin works. It is a beer hall on the Lower East Side, with a whorehouse and opium den above it. A Russian immigrant, Mike is a powerful man in the community— not just the boss of a popular nightspot, he is the neighborhood “fixer,” the man who can make seemingly any problem go away. To young Berlin, he is an admired father figure.

CAST OF CHARACTERS (CONT’D) SOPHIE TUCKER is, when we meet her in the play, a rising vaudeville star. She appreciates the same sort of sassy, sexy songs a Mabel Jackson might like to sing, but puts them over with more class. She sings in a deliberate, authoritative style. She is a hefty, well-dressed woman, who can carry off a stylish fur or a boa with ease. She carries herself with the regal bearing of the great star she knows she will soon be. TED SNYDER, song publisher and songwriter, published early songs by Berlin and also collaborated with him on songs. Ted Snyder imagined himself to be better than Berlin, because Berlin came from such humble origins. But Berlin had a much greater talent and soon eclipsed Snyder. BERLIN’S MOTHER, a Russian Jewish immigrant, who speaks with a strong accent, doesn’t fully understand her son’s success as a songwriter. Her only wish is that he finds himself a nice woman to marry. DOROTHY GOETZ is a 19-year-old singer in vaudeville. Sweet, sincere, demure, and pretty, she shows up at Berlin’s office, asking if she could introduce a song of his on stage, and winds up becoming Berlin’s first wife. (In this play, she sings a duet with Berlin, “In a Cozy Kitchenette Apartment.”) THE SECOND GAL is another vaudeville singer who shows up at Berlin’s office at the same time as Dorothy Goetz, also seeking to introduce a song of Berlin’s. She is brash, pushy, aggressive— and winds up physically fighting over Berlin with Dorothy Goetz. DOROTHY’S FATHER only wants the best for his 19-year-old daughter, who is marrying Irving Berlin after a brief courtship. He expresses his wishes when he sings to Berlin “Always Treat Her Like a Baby.” GOLDIE is the devoted secretary of Flo Ziegfeld, the Broadway impresario and creator of the world-famous Ziegfeld Follies. ELLIN MACKAY, who becomes Berlin’s second wife, is smart, sophisticated, and free of prejudice. She comes from one of the wealthiest families in America, but would be happy to give up everything for the man she loves. She sings a duet with Berlin, “Settle Down in a One-Horse Town.” CLARENCE MACKAY— father of Ellin Mackay (who became Irving Berlin’s second wife)— was one of the wealthiest men in America. An insufferable bore, he was narrow-minded and anti-Semitic; he did not want his daughter— who was Christian— marrying Irving Berlin— who was Jewish. And he was used to getting his way.

CAST OF CHARACTERS (CONT’D) JOE SCHENCK, a top Hollywood movie mogul, has been a lifelong friend of Irving Berlin, going back to their days on New York’s Lower East Side. AL JOLSON, billed throughout his life as “the World’s Greatest Entertainer,” was a huge favorite of audiences’— and of Irving Berlin’s. On songs he made famous, such as “Swanee,” “Toot Toot Tootsie, Goo’ bye,” and “California Here I Come,” he projected tremendous vitality. (You can listen to samples of his work on YouTube.) In this show, he performs with gusto an early hit of Berlin’s that he introduced, “This is the Life.” EDDIE CANTOR was a beloved star of vaudeville, Broadway, radio, film, and early TV. In this musical play, he sings Berlin’s song “Mandy,” which he sang in the motion picture Kid Millions (and which you can find on YouTube). Also in this play, Berlin recalls fondly how well THE NICHOLAS BROTHERS tap-danced to that number. If the play is performed with just three actors, Berlin himself can tap-dance to “Mandy.” But if you have a large cast, when Berlin mentions the Nicholas Brothers, you could have two actors representing the Nicholas Brothers— a peerless African-American dance team— tap-dance. FANNY BRICE (portrayed memorably by Barbra Streisand in Funny Girl) became America’s highest-paid singing comedienne. Berlin became friends with her— and wrote songs for her— even before she was famous. In this musical play, she sings with verve an infectious early ragtime song of Berlin’s, “Wild Cherries.” JUDY GARLAND and FRED ASTAIRE were, of course, two of America’s best- known stars. In this musical play, they’re seen doing a number, “When the Midnight Choo Choo Leaves for Alabam’,” which they performed in the motion picture Easter Parade. You can find clips of them doing that number (and many others, of course) on YouTube. ETHEL MERMAN was for decades Broadway’s biggest female star; her brassy, commanding voice was widely known. In this show, she sings Berlin’s “The International Rag,” which she sang in the motion picture Call Me Madam. You can find many samples of Merman’s work— including her rendition of “The International Rag”— on YouTube.

CAST OF CHARACTERS (CONT’D) MARILYN MONROE, an American icon, sang Berlin’s “You’d Be Surprised,” in her famous sexy style, in Berlin’s motion picture There’s No Business Like Show Business (and she sings it in this show). You can find many samples of Monroe’s work (including this song) on YouTube. A SOLDIER, for the purposes of this musical play, is a tenor; he sings the wistful ballad “I’m Gonna Pin a Medal on the Girl I Left Behind,” as part of Berlin’s all-servicemen show This is the Army.

PLACE & TIME The play opens in the home of Irving Berlin, 17 Beekman Place, New York City. We are in Berlin’s study, and he is 98 years old. It is the morning of December 24th, 1987. The setting should be simple, because this play is a memory piece, and subsequent scenes will take us through Berlin’s long life (which spanned the years 1888-1989).

PROPS • A copy of The New York Post. At the start of the play, Berlin is reading this famed tabloid newspaper. • A cane (used by the elderly Berlin). • A dictation pad and pencil, for use by Berlin’s secretary, Hilda. • An upright piano. (It can be a prop piano.) • Some copies of vintage Berlin sheet music (which can be easily found on Ebay) should be preset somewhere on stage, to be used later in the play. They might simply be on the piano. • A deck of playing cards.

RUNNING TIME Two Acts, Approx. 2¼ - 2½ hours

AUTHOR’S NOTES As a boy, I got hooked on Irving Berlin’s music two ways. First, I loved watching classic Berlin musicals on TV: Easter Parade, White Christmas, Blue Skies, “Top Hat,” “Holiday Inn,” and more. Second, I was befriended by--and directed in local shows by— an ex-vaudevillian named Todd Fisher, who taught his young performers Berlin songs from sheet music he’d acquired when the songs were brand new. (Picture me as a youth, singing “You’d be Surprised” and “When the Midnight Choo Choo Leaves for Alabam’.”) And he’d share recollections of how he’d first heard the numbers performed by the likes of Eddie Cantor, Sophie Tucker, Al Jolson, and more. Each recollection would prompt more recollections, until I felt almost like I knew these performers, not just the songs. By the time I began my writing career, Berlin was famously reclusive. The most successful single songwriter in the world rarely left his home on Beekman Place in NYC; he rarely spoke to anyone. He would not give interviews. By chance, though, my friends included two of the few people Berlin did speak to— James T. Maher and John Wallowitch. Insights they shared with me made me want to know more. I began seeking out others who knew him, thinking maybe someday I might write a play or book about him. When I wrote an article in The New York Post announcing that a prominent New York supper club was going to present a revue tracing Berlin’s life story through his songs, Berlin read my article and promptly called the club, threatening legal action. He didn’t want any such salutes! The club cancelled the production. Berlin stopped others who hoped to produce a TV special or a film about him. “Not while I’m alive!” he vowed, stressing he wanted only privacy. That only made me want to know more about him, and I did research, off and on, for years. Eventually I wrote the first published play telling Berlin’s life story, Irving Berlin’s America (which is published and licensed by Stage Rights). One producer told me he liked that two-character musical very much. But he asked me if I could create a musical about Berlin with a slightly larger cast— maybe five or six players; and then he added, half in jest, “It would be ideal if you could write a script that could be cast as flexibly as possible— with just three actors for a really intimate house, but with five or nine or 15 or more players for a larger house.” I like a challenge! And he inspired this play. It can be done with just three actors (one to play Berlin, one to cover all other male roles, one to play all female roles)— or with five or nine, or 15 more players, just as he suggested. There are some two dozen roles. And I went through every song Belin wrote— more than 1200 in all— to select a mix of both famous songs and little-known ones to tell Berlin’s story.

MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT I #1. Everything in America Is Ragtime ...... Berlin #2. Alexander’s Ragtime Band ...... Berlin & Cohan #3. Piano Man ...... Cohan #4. I Love a Piano ...... Berlin #5. Araby ...... The Reporters #6. I’m Down in Honolulu Looking Them Over ...... The Reporters #7. That Dying Rag ...... Berlin & the Reporters #8. I Beg Your Pardon, Dear Old Broadway ...... Berlin #9. The Schoolhouse Blues ...... Berlin #10. I’ve Got to Have Some Lovin’ Now ...... Mabel #11. Do Your Duty Doctor! ...... Berlin #12. Everybody’s Doing it Now ...... Berlin #13. Mary’s a Grand Old Name ...... Berlin, Mabel & Mike Salter #14. My Wife’s Gone to the Country ...... Berlin #15. Stop, Stop, Stop (Come Over and Love Me Some More) ...... Sophie Tucker #16. Tell Me Little Gypsy ...... Berlin #17. Smile and Show Your Dimple ...... Berlin #18. In a Cozy Kitchenette Apartment ...... Berlin & Dorothy Goetz #19. Always Treat Her Like a Baby ...... Dorothy’s Father #20. When I Lost You ...... Berlin

Words and Music by Irving Berlin except: #3. Music by Ted Snyder #7. Music by Bernie Adler #11. Music by Ted Snyder #13. Words and Music by George M. Cohan #14. Words by George Whiting and Irving Berlin, Music by Ted Snyder

MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT II #21. We’re on Our Way to France ...... Berlin, Male Player & Female Player #22. Bring on the Pepper ...... Berlin, Male Player & Female Player #23. Smile and Show Your Dimple (Reprise) ...... Berlin #24. A Pretty Girl Is Like a Melody ...... Berlin #25. Settle Down in a One-Horse Town ...... Berlin & Ellin #26. Someone Else May Be There While I’m Gone ...... Berlin #27. After You Get What You Want You Don’t Want It ...... Berlin #28 This Is the Life ...... Al Jolson #29. Mandy ...... Eddie Cantor #30. Wild Cherry Rag ...... Fanny Brice #31. When the Midnight Choo-Choo Leaves for Alabam’ ...... Judy Garland & Fred Astaire #32. You’d Be Surprised ...... Marilyn Monroe #33. The International Rag ...... Ethel Mermen #34. I’m Gonna Pin a Medal on the Girl I Left Behind ...... A Soldier #35. Oh! How I Hate to Get Up in the Morning ...... Berlin #36. A Lady of the Evening ...... Berlin #37. Say it With Music ...... Berlin #38. Everybody Step ...... Berlin #39 Say it With Music (Reprise) ...... Male Player & Female Player #40. Simple Melody/Musical Demon ...... Female Player, Berlin #41. Bow Music: Say it With Music ...... Instrumental #42. Exit Music: Piano Man ...... Instrumental

Words and Music by Irving Berlin except: #30. Music by Ted Snyder #42. Music by Ted Snyder

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS My gratitude— for their encouragement, wisdom, and terrific tales of old-time show business— to the late Carol Channing, George Burns, Joe Franklin, Jerry Herman, Fred Ebb, and Todd Fisher. My thanks, too, for their help in various ways, to Matt Nardozzi, Victoria Leacock Hoffman, Seth Sikes, Max Galassi, Tyler DuBoys, Jon Peterson, Donald Brown, and Lisa Lambert. Thank you to my audience-research consultants Max and Julia Deffaa; to Donnie, Earl, and Lucas Snyder; to Ava and Josh Schaller and family; to Logan and Lawson Saby and family; to my Korean producer friends Hansaem Song and Kim You-Chul; to my British producer friend Edmund Sutton; to director Okey Chenoweth; and to Keith Anderson. Thanks, too, to producer Hy Juter, who originally gave me the idea for this show. A tip of the hat to Santino Fontana and Anthony Rapp, who’ve helped more than they realized, to ASCAP’s big-hearted musical-theatre expert Michael Kerker, who’s always been there to answer any questions, to Adam Barki and the Hammurabi Rappers, and to that fine actor and general aide-de-camp Alec Deland, who was expected to star in the first production, before the pandemic put theater everywhere on hold. Thanks, also, to Lee Roy Reams, Oscar Williams, Paul Burchett, Michael Townsend Wright, Ted Kurdyla, Jeremy Lanuti, Bernice Burge, Matt Snyder, Anna Holmes, Jamie DeRoy, Emily Bordonaro, Betty Buckley, Kate Solomon-Tilley, Beth Bartley, Ramsey Dalalsheh, Sharon A. Wilcox, Agnes Duggan Dann, Ed Bassett, Foster Evans Reese. The show has been developed by Chip Deffaa Productions LLC (Chip and Deb Deffaa, principals). Special thanks to supportive publisher Roger Bean, who hasn’t let the pandemic slow him down one bit!

FURTHER READING ON BERLIN If you would like to learn more about Irving Berlin and his times, here are some recommended books: As Thousands Cheer: The Life of Irving Berlin ( by Laurence Bergreen; New York, DaCapo Press, 1996); The Irving Berlin Reader (by Benjamin Sears; New York, Oxford University Press, 2012); The Complete Lyrics of Irving Berlin (edited by Robert Kimball and Linda Emmet; New York, Borzoi Books, published by Alfred A. Knopf, 2001); Irving Berlin: American Troubadour (by Edward Jablonski; New York, Henry Holt and Company, 1999); Irving Berlin: A Life in Song (by Philip Furia, with the assistance of Graham Wood; New York, Schirmer Books, 1998); Irving Berlin: Songs from the Melting Pot: The Formative Years, 1907-1914 (by Charles Hamm; New York, Oxford University Press, 1997); Irving Berlin (by Michael Freedland; New York, Stein and Day, 1983); Irving Berlin and Ragtime America (by Ian Whitcomb; New York, Limelight, 1988); Irving Berlin: A Daughter’s Memoir (by Mary Ellen Barrett; New York, Limelight, 1988); The Story of Irving Berlin (by Alexander Woolcott; New York; DaCapo, 1983); Irving Berlin’s American Musical Theater (by Jeffrey Magee; New York, Oxford University Press, 2012),

And these books offer additional valuable information on Berlin and his fellow songwriters: Funny, It Doesn't Sound Jewish: How Yiddish Songs and Synagogue Melodies Influenced Tin Pan Alley, Broadway, and Hollywood (by Jack Gottlieb; New York, State University of New York Press, 2004); American Popular Song: The Great Innovators 1900-1950 (by Alec Wilder, edited and with an introduction by James T. Maher; New York, Oxford University Press, 1972); A History of Popular Music in America (by Sigmund Spaeth; New York: Random House, 1948); They’re Playing Our Song (by Max Wilk; New York, Atheneum, 1973); The House that George Built (by Wilfrid Sheed; New York, Random House, 2008); Word Crazy: Broadway Lyricists from Cohan to Sondheim (by Thomas S. Hischak; New York, Praeger Publishers, 1991); The Melody Lingers On (by Roy Hemming; New York, Newmarket Press, 1986); Music in the Air (by Philip K. Eberly; New Yok, Hastings House, 1982); Show Biz: From Vaude to Video (by Abel Green and Joe Laurie, Jr.; New York: Henry Holt & Co., 1951).

DEDICATION

For two spirited interpreters of Mr. Berlin’s songs, those masters of “the Schoolhouse Blues”: Jackson DeMott Hill and Alex Dreier

SAY IT WITH MUSIC: THE IRVING BERLIN SAGA – PRODUCTION 1

As the lights come up, we are in IRVING BERLIN’s study, in his home on Beekman Place, in New York City. It is December 24th, 1987. An elderly Irving Berlin is seated, wearing a conservative suit and black-rimmed glasses; he has a newspaper–The New York Post— in his hand. The set should be fairly sparse— a couple of chairs, a table, an upright piano off to one side. We do not need an elaborate, detailed, realistic depiction of Berlin’s room— because this is a memory play, and as Berlin recalls different events from his life, scenes will be taking place in different times and locales. The setting might also include an old steamer trunk or perhaps a platform of some sort— to provide some options, so that different songs can be performed from different positions. A coat-rack holds several different hats— perhaps a straw boater hat, a derby, a fedora, a newsboy cap— which might be used in one scene or another. The stage should also have ample open space for singing and dancing. A pitcher and a glass of water or two might be discreetly preset someplace for the convenience of the hard-working actor playing Berlin, who never leaves the stage in the course of the show and might occasionally want to take a sip of water. The other two actors in the production— one male and one female— will portray multiple characters, coming on and off stage in different costumes. Or— if you want to use a bigger cast, you have the option of having different actors play the various roles. BERLIN: Damn! Damn! Damn! Get in here, Hilda! Right away! GODDAM it to hell! HILDA, Berlin’s long-suffering secretary, enters. HILDA: What’s bothering you now, Mr. Berlin? BERLIN: You’ve been my secretary, Hilda, for— what? Forty-three years? HILDA: Forty-four years, Mr. Berlin. BERLIN: I should think that after 43 years you’d know what was bothering me, without my having to spell it out. HILDA: Have you been reading the New York Post this morning? BERLIN: Yes, I’ve been reading the New York Post this morning. HILDA: Your doctor told you not to read the New York Post. It always gets you upset. You’re 98. You can’t afford to get upset. BERLIN: Get me Dorothy Schiff on the phone! HILDA: We’ve had this conversation before, Mr. Berlin. Dorothy Schiff is no longer the publisher of the New York Post— she hasn’t been for at least a decade. Rupert Murdoch is now the publisher of the New York Post. BERLIN: Then get me Rupert Murdoch on the phone!

SAY IT WITH MUSIC: THE IRVING BERLIN SAGA – PRODUCTION 2

HILDA: I don’t think Mr. Murdoch would welcome a call from anyone— not even from Mr. Irving Berlin himself— this early on a Sunday morning. Especially the day before Christmas. BERLIN: Do you remember when Jimmy Breslin called me a “cantankerous old recluse” in his column in the New York Post? I shoulda sued him for libel. HILDA: Jimmy Breslin called you a “cantankerous old recluse” in the New York Daily News. BERLIN: I coulda sworn it was the Post. HILDA: It was Chip Deffaa who called you a “cantankerous old recluse” in the New York Post. BERLIN: Well! Take a look at today’s Post. It says that Michael’s Pub— that fancy-schmancy supper club— is going to present a tribute to me, tell my life story through my songs. HILDA: That sounds very sweet, Mr. Berlin. You should go and just enjoy having them honor you. It would do you good. You live like a recluse. I don’t think you’ve been out of this house in 20 years. BERLIN: I like my home! And no one is doing my life story, anywhere. Ever. Not in a supper club. Not on stage. Not on screen— HILDA: Honestly, Mr. Berlin. I’ve never understood this policy of yours— BERLIN. We’ll threaten ‘em with legal action, as usual. I stopped the BBC from doing my life story, didn’t I? And MGM, and all the rest. HILDA: And another filmmaker actually wrote again just this week— BERLIN: Not that Spielberg fellow, was it? He’s getting to be a pest— HILDA: No, another gentleman who wants to make a movie telling your life story. He says you’re the only major songwriter that Hollywood hasn’t made a film about yet. BERLIN: Tell him, “No! Never! Not in a million years!” Just like I’ve said no to everyone else who’s ever suggested dramatizing my life. They’d get all the facts wrong anyway. They always do. Hollywood’s never made one biopic I really liked— except for maybe Yankee Doodle Dandy. James Cagney captured my man George M. Cohan to a tee. HILDA: You’ve kept a portrait of Mr. Cohan above your piano all your life. BERLIN: George was the best— my role-model, my champion. I owe him a lot. HILDA: But someday, Mr. Berlin, someday, someone’s going to dramatize your life story. And they’ll say it with music— with your songs. Your whole life is in your songs. BERLIN: If you cared at all about my blood pressure, Hilda, you’d change the subject. HILDA: Uhm… Actually. I was hoping I might leave a little early today, Mr. Berlin, if it’s all right with you. I mean, since tonight will be Christmas Eve.

SAY IT WITH MUSIC: THE IRVING BERLIN SAGA – PRODUCTION 3

BERLIN: What’s it like outside? HILDA: Bitter cold. You wouldn’t like it out there. BERLIN: I have no desire to go outside ever again. And no need to! Is it snowing? HILDA: Yes, Mr. Berlin. It’ll be a white Christmas. There’s no one on the streets. At least not here on Beekman Place. BERLIN: We’ll probably get some of those damned Christmas carolers tonight. Singing “God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen,” and the like. As if I need anyone, at age 98, telling me to rest. HILDA: Well, you’ve retired. BERLIN: They’ve been saying that for 25 years. HILDA: Because you never leave the home. BERLIN: But I’ll never retire. HILDA: Would you like me to get you your robe? Would you be more comfortable in your robe? BERLIN: If I want my robe, I’ll get my robe. I’m not helpless, ya know… She treats me like an old man, this one. HILDA: We were talking about the possibility of me going home early. BERLIN: Oh! But we’ve got work to do today, Hilda. And we need to get started. You’ve given me a lot to think about now. HILDA: Have I? BERLIN: Here’s what I want to do, Hilda— starting today, I’m going to dictate to you some recollections. Maybe someday, after I’m gone, if someone does try to dramatize my life, at least they’ll have some of my own remembrances to guide ‘em… HILDA: You’re thinking: At least they’ll get some of the facts right. BERLIN: Damn right! Are you ready to take dictation? HILDA: Well, yes— BERLIN: Don’t interrupt me! I hate it when you interrupt me. I don’t want to lose my train of thought. HILDA: You won’t even know I’m here. BERLIN: Again with the interruptions. She’s an interrupter, that one… Now… where to begin? HILDA: Well, I suppose you could start with the old days. BERLIN: The old days really were better, you know… Before the rise of rock ‘n’ roll… Before anyone ever thought up the idea of government handouts… It was sink or swim for all us. And by God! You learned to swim! And you made something of yourself.

SAY IT WITH MUSIC: THE IRVING BERLIN SAGA – PRODUCTION 4

BERLIN (CONT’D): The years just before the first World War— you weren’t even born yet, Hilda, but those were wonderful years, wonderful— they called that the Ragtime Era. Music was everywhere. I was being hailed as “The King of Ragtime.” I’d come up out of nowhere— a poor, uneducated street kid, suddenly creating America’s most popular songs. I was on top of the world, Hilda. And, oh! I remember it all, as if it was yesterday…

SONG #1: EVERYTHING IN AMERICA IS RAGTIME

(Singing) EVERYTHING IN AMERICA IS RAGTIME. THEY TALK IN RAGTIME, IT SEEMS TO BE THE FASHION; THEIR ONLY PASSION IS SWAYING TO AND FRO, SNAPPING FINGERS SO, ACTING AS THOUGH THEY WERE HAVING A JAGTIME. THE U.S.A. IS A LAND OF SYNCOPATION; IT SEEMS THE NATION IS JUST A MILLION ACRES OF SHOULDER SHAKERS. COMPOSERS, JUST AS THICK AS BEES, WRITING RAGGY MELODIES— OH! MISTER BERLIN, HE KNOWS HOW TO PLEASE WRITING RAGTIME.

THE U.S.A. IS A LAND OF SYNCOPATION; IT SEEMS THE NATION IS JUST A MILLION ACRES OF SHOULDER SHAKERS. COMPOSERS, JUST AS THICK AS BEES, WRITING RAGGY MELODIES— OH! IRVING BERLIN, HE KNOWS HOW TO PLEASE—

YES! MISTER BERLIN, HE KNOWS HOW TO PLEASE—

I SAID, MISTER BERLIN, HE KNOWS HOW TO PLEASE WRITING RAGTIME.

SAY IT WITH MUSIC: THE IRVING BERLIN SAGA – PRODUCTION 5

BERLIN (CONT’D): I can tell you exactly when I broke through to international success— it was 1911, and I was 23 years old. I’ll let you in on a secret. Show business is like a private club. Someone has to invite you in. And it was George M. Cohan— the biggest man in the business, and one of the kindest— who invited me in. They called him “The Man Who Owned Broadway.” He wrote, directed, produced, and starred in the shows everyone wanted to see. He wrote the songs everyone back then loved— “Give My Regards to Broadway,” “Mary,” “You’re a Grand Old Flag.” He was so popular, the actors made him the head of their club, the Friars Club. And for some reason, he just took a shine to me. COHAN: I like ya, kid. You’re the best of all the up-and-coming songwriters. Ya sound sorta like me, but ya don’t imitate me. I think I must know 30 of your songs. BERLIN: I think I’ve written, so far, just about 30 songs. Most haven’t gone very far. COHAN: Give it time, kid. BERLIN: It’s one thing to create a song. It’s another thing to get anyone to take notice. COHAN: I’m going to see that you get noticed. Because that’s the kind of little guy I am. And here’s what I’m going to do. I’m putting together the Friars Club’s big annual benefit show, “The Friars’ Frolic.” Half of America’s great entertainers will be on the bill; the other half will be in the audience. And I’m going to give you the prime spot on the program— to sing any new song you’ve written. BERLIN: I, I don’t know what to say. COHAN: It’ll be your chance to tell the very best entertainers— and through them, the whole country— “Come on and hear what I’ve got to say! Come on and hear— !” And kid, you’d better deliver the goods. I’m giving you a terrific opportunity. BERLIN: I took from my trunk a number that I’d previously released as an instrumental. It had been a complete flop, but I liked the melody. I wanted to see if adding lyrics might make a difference. And, I gotta tell ya— George M. was as good as his word. We had some of the biggest stars in show business— both on the bill and in the audience— the night I first sang…

SONG # 2: ALEXANDER’S RAGTIME BAND

(Singing) COME ON AND HEAR, COME ON AND HEAR

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