Supporting Children and Family Survivors of Police Line-of-Duty Deaths

Police Survivors: Line-of-Duty Line-of-Duty Deaths: Deaths Three Essential Points About Children who experience the loss of a parent or other family Children and Family Survivors member through a line-of-duty death are likely to face a 1. Most grief experiences are similar. In most ways, children number of unique issues. School professionals working with and family survivors of line-of-duty deaths experience grief students in such circumstances will be able to provide more and coping with loss much as others do. They have similar effective support when they understand the distinct aspects thoughts, feelings, concerns and needs. of this experience. 2. Some grief experiences are distinct in important ways. The materials in this module are designed as a supplement to Survivors of line-of-duty deaths are coping with unique the broader information at the Coalition’s website. They are issues within a unique culture. Most people outside the law not intended to be a stand-alone resource. enforcement world are unfamiliar with these issues. They were developed collaboratively with the national non- 3. School professionals can make a difference. When school profit organization Concerns of Police Survivors (C.O.P.S.). professionals are aware of the distinct issues facing these C.O.P.S. provides support for families who have experienced families, they can plan and provide more effective support. a line-of-duty death. Over 30,000 families are members of the organization. Take Steps to Make a Difference Are Your Students Affected? To understand more about providing support to survivors of a line-of-duty death, read through the materials in this Each year, more than a hundred law enforcement officers module. Each segment includes references to the Coalition to in the U.S. are killed in the line of duty. Their children, Support Grieving Students website. grandchildren, nieces, nephews and younger siblings attend schools all across the country. Each of these deaths touches Together, these materials will prepare school professionals the families of other law enforcement officers. Educators to offer meaningful support to children immediately after a can expect to find children affected by line-of-duty deaths in death as well as over time. schools throughout the nation. Contents of the Module 1. Law Enforcement: A Unique Culture and Mindset 2. Distinct Experiences: In the Immediate Aftermath 3. Public Matters Affect Personal Responses 4. Grief Over Time 5. Getting Support 6. What to Do: Action steps schools and school professionals can take to support children coping with the loss of a loved one through a line-of-duty death.

Next: Law Enforcement: A Unique Culture and Mindset 1 Supporting Children and Family Survivors of Police Line-of-Duty Deaths

1. Law Enforcement: A Unique For example: Culture and Mindset • The world becomes more dangerous. Because the possibility of death is a fear the family has been coping - See the module Cultural Sensitivity to understand how a general with all along, the ability to go forward and use healthy sensitivity to the unique backgrounds and needs of each family can denial or make presumptions about a stable world may help school professionals support grieving children from all cultures. be disrupted. Many things about the world that once felt safe and secure are now likely to feel dangerous or - See the module Connecting With Families for suggestions about threatening. how to effectively reach out to grieving families. • Children regret not being “better.” Children may regret Within the law enforcement field, there is a unique not staying more connected with their parent or loved mindset among police officers and their families. There one. They often feel they should have been “a better is no other profession serving quite the same role or kid,” more attentive or more available. They may think, facing the same risks that police personnel face every day. “I should have known this would happen. I should People outside the law enforcement world often have little have spent more time with my dad, and not gotten into understanding of the experiences of officers and their trouble so much.” families. • Families may feel relieved. In addition to shock and This is a resilient culture, with many strengths and grief, some family members may actually feel a sense assets. Law enforcement families typically value loyalty, of relief when the constant worry about their loved one commitment, dedication and principles of service. They ends, just as people sometimes do when someone dies are willing to take on extra responsibilities and risks for after a long illness. This can bring up feelings of guilt the welfare of their neighborhoods and communities. and shame. They believe in the value of police work and the power of law enforcement to make a positive difference in the • Children may feel resentful. Children understand their world. loved one made a commitment to serve and protect the community. They may be resentful that because of that Parents, spouses and children of officers understand their choice, the person is now dead. They may feel guilty family member is at risk for injury or death. Living with about wishing he or she had not chosen to serve. this knowledge on a day-to-day basis requires some effort. Many practice a type of healthy denial that helps them • Questions of honor can be confusing. There are many cope. “Nothing will happen to my mom because we live causes of line-of-duty deaths, including deaths from in a safe place.” “My dad is smarter than the bad guys so I accidents or natural causes that may occur while the know he’ll be okay.” officer is on duty which may not seem as “heroic.” Children may sense they should feel proud of their Like other families, law enforcement families generally loved one under any circumstances, but may hear or feel make assumptions that allow them to feel safe. We conflicting responses to the cause of death. presume that the people we love who are in our lives in the morning will also be there for us in the evening. We The unique culture of law enforcement also plays an assume that our friends and the social groups where we important role in the responses of family members to a find comfort and support today will also offer us comfort line-of-duty death immediately after the fact and over tomorrow. time. Death Challenges These Presumptions When a line-of-duty death occurs, these presumptions can be profoundly challenged. There are a range of responses children and families might have.

Next: Distinct Experiences 2 Supporting Children and Family Survivors of Police Line-of-Duty Deaths

2. Distinct Experiences: In the If an off-duty officer witnesses a crime occurring and takes steps to intervene, he or she is automatically Immediate Aftermath on-duty. There have been cases where off-duty - See the module Concepts of Death to learn what children need to officers spending time with their families respond to a understand about death and how to discuss these matters with them. crime and are killed in their family’s view. - See the module Social Media for suggestions about dealing with • Inadvertent or accidental deaths sometimes occur. social media after a death. Coping with an inadvertent line-of-duty death (otherwise known as “friendly fire” or accidental - See the module Death and School Crisis for guidelines about death) is complicated. It raises extremely challenging addressing a death that affects many members of the school questions about loyalty, trust, belonging and community. forgiveness. The distinct features of a line-of-duty death affect both • Information about and reactions to the death are extremely public. how the family learns of the death and how they are able to cope with the news. Families must instantly deal with a range of public reactions and information about the death. of the deceased at the moment children learn of the death. Judgments may be made about the officer’s choices, actions and intentions, and some criticisms may be Nature of the Death quite harsh. While each instance is unique, these are some of the issues • Survivors may be troubled if they perceive a lack of meaning in the family survivors may face: death. • These deaths tend to be sudden. Line-of-duty deaths may not be classically “heroic.” An News of the death is often sudden and shocking. officer might try to stop a suspect and be killed in the There may be little or no time for survivors to process, while the criminal escapes. Someone might prepare themselves emotionally. It may be difficult die in a car crash on the way to the scene of a crime, or impossible for family members to be with children never actually arriving to offer help. Survivors may of the deceased at the moment children learn of the be devastated by the sense of “waste” in such a death, death. a feeling that it has made no measurable positive difference in the world. • The death is often violent and intentional. It may be pre- meditated. Notification One of the most troubling things within human Police departments will withhold public identification of experience is to know that a person you loved and the deceased until families have been reached. counted on was intentionally targeted. Someone made a conscious choice to end the life of a person Traditional news sources, however, may not respect these who was hugely important to you. guidelines. Families sometimes first hear of a loved one’s death in a breaking news broadcast. This choice is sometimes made in a deliberate and pre-meditated way. For example, an officer may be Social media is even more likely to pass along information ambushed in a planned attack in revenge for an arrest without regard to the sensibilities of survivors. Families or courtroom testimony. An attack may also have a may hear of the death on Facebook. Images of the scene random quality—an officer is chosen as a target or videos of a shootout in process may be posted long simply because he or she is on duty at a given time and before police department representatives can reach the place. family. • Families may be present at the moment of death. This creates particular challenges in the school setting for children of a fallen officer. During a classroom break, or In some instances, gang members have come to the even within the classroom itself, news of a line-of-duty family home specifically to ambush and kill the death may spread quickly. School professionals should officer. have plans in place to quickly identify and reach out to children of police officers in the event of a line-of-duty death.

(Continued) 3 Supporting Children and Family Survivors of Police Line-of-Duty Deaths

Heightened Vulnerability 3. Public Matters Affect Personal A line-of-duty death usually creates a heightened sense Responses of vulnerability for survivors. For example, children who - See the module Guilt and Shame to understand more about these have been reassured repeatedly of a parent’s training, common reactions among grieving children and identify steps that skill and preparation to carry out law enforcement duties can help children cope. are now left to wonder, “If this could happen to my dad, who was trained, armed and ready for any crisis, what - See the module Peer Support for steps that can create an could happen to everyone else I love—people who are not environment of positive support among the peers of a grieving child. trained at all?” - See the module Funeral Attendance for practical advice on funeral Often, the perpetrators continue to be at large for some attendance that school professionals can share with families. time. This can be quite frightening to children, and actual - See the module Commemoration and Memorialization for threats of retribution toward the family may be real. important guidelines about policies and practices within schools that Children may experience a high level of separation anxiety ensure these activities are appropriate and supportive. and fear. For example, if their surviving parent leaves A line-of-duty death is inevitably a public event. Often, an their side they may become anxious. They may be afraid entire community is profoundly affected by the death. The to ride in a car if their parent died in a car crash. highly visible quality of the public’s reactions can provide solace and support to a grieving family, but they can also Traumatic Aspects create special pressures. Line-of-duty deaths often carry three qualities that are For example, public responses often call out the heroic likely to make the death of their family member more and noble quality of the officer’s death. Many people traumatic for all children. make public comments about this idealized figure they 1. Violent. Deaths that involve mutilation or great did not actually know. This can be confusing to grieving suffering, or are gruesome in some way, are most children—they are grieving a parent, not a hero. They disturbing. Children may have direct information about are grieving someone real, not an idealized notion of a the violent nature of the death (e.g., because of press superhero. They weren’t looking for someone to save photos or social media posts), or powerful fantasies the world. They wanted a parent who would be there for about what it was like. them, to protect and support them, to help them grow. 2. Intentional. The death was deliberately caused by someone In some cases, this “hero” figure may not fit children’s with malicious intent. picture of what their parent was like. It can be difficult for children to reconcile public perceptions with personal 3. Violating laws and norms. The death was caused by experience if the parent was neglectful, absent or abusive. someone who was violating conventional norms and If an adolescent was struggling with issues of autonomy laws. and independence, there may have been considerable Children may find themselves experiencing recurrent, friction with the parent. intrusive images of a horrible death. This can make Public reaction can also be critical and negative, which can it difficult for them to create and cherish positive be particularly wrenching to the family. The officer may remembrance of the deceased—an important part of be portrayed as a perpetrator, or as someone who “got grieving. what she deserved.” It is not unusual for children to respond to these conflicting experiences with confusion or feelings of guilt and shame. They may believe that if they had done things differently, their family member would have avoided the dangerous situation or tried harder to survive.

(Continued) 4 Supporting Children and Family Survivors of Police Line-of-Duty Deaths

Grieving Without Privacy In fact, in a survey of children and teen survivors carried out by C.O.P.S., one of the most common sources of In the immediate aftermath of a line-of-duty death, distress was perceived negative peer reactions. This many people typically come to the family’s home. The included classmates making jokes about the deceased police chief and mayor are likely to appear. The officer’s officer, circumstances of the death, changes in the colleagues will often come by. Local and state politicians grieving child’s behavior or changes in the child’s family may show up. Reporters are usually present. situation. At one level, all of this attention can be gratifying. They appreciate the recognition of their parent. On the National Police Week other hand, the lack of privacy is challenging for the In May each year, National Police Week is recognized in entire family. The constant flow of people can be tiring, Washington, D.C. This includes National Peace Officers exhausting and over-stimulating. Children may not know Memorial Day on May 15. A series of events provide how they are expected to respond. They may feel they are recognition to fallen officers and support to survivors. supposed to “buck up” and be strong when they actually Between 25,000 and 40,000 people attend each year. feel like falling apart and crying. Many families look forward to the sense of community A Different Sort of Funeral and belonging of National Police Week. Some families feel they are “memorialed out,” and prefer not to attend. The funeral of a slain officer is also an exceptionally public event. Often, it focuses more on what the Regardless of how they feel about the event, survivors community is looking for, not what the family wants. of line-of-duty deaths usually experience an anniversary Typically, law enforcement personnel from all over the effect during May. Both on the anniversary of the actual world attend the funeral, coming from as many as 300- death and during National Police Week, they are reminded 500 different jurisdictions. of the events surrounding the death and often re-visit the intense grief of that time. Hundreds or thousands of community members may attend. These events are frequently televised. News media are present. The family’s grief is publicly displayed, in the moment of the funeral or memorial, and forever after 4. Grief Over Time online. - See the module Grief Triggers to understand what triggers are and Every aspect of the service is planned and performed how to offer support to children experiencing a grief trigger. under great scrutiny. A family’s, or a child’s, personal - See the module Providing Support Over Time for practical wishes may not be taken into consideration. For some guidelines on offering support to grieving children beyond the families, there is a sense that the process is honoring the immediate aftermath of a death. job as much as or more than it honors their loved one. - See the module Secondary and Cumulative Losses to understand In some cases, there are multiple memorial services—one more about additional losses grieving children experience in the local, one at the state level and one at the national level. months and years after a death. This means the family may go through this experience repeatedly. Grief is not a one-time or short-term event. Children who have lost a parent or other close family member Peers: Supportive or Challenging will experience that loss over their lifetime. School professionals can offer support that helps children stay on Peers can have a range of reactions when a classmate loses track academically, emotionally and socially. a parent or family member through a line-of-duty death. In our culture we do not generally talk about death, so children, like many adults, often have no idea what to say to a grieving peer. These deaths can also cause anxiety among all students— they are unexpected, violent, and frightening, and they represent a breakdown of social order. Some students may cope with their discomfort by teasing or harassing the grieving child.

(Continued) 5 Supporting Children and Family Survivors of Police Line-of-Duty Deaths

Police Survivors: Constant Reminders Talking With Others Survivors of line-of-duty deaths are constantly reminded Children who have lost a parent in a line-of-duty death of the death and their loss, even more so than most other may find it difficult to discuss their loss over time. They bereaved families. may wish to keep the experience private. They may feel embarrassment or shame about the incident, especially if News and commentary about the death may be present in there were accusations that the officer made poor choices conventional and social media for weeks or months. For or acted inappropriately. They may be uncertain about years to come, whenever similar events occur locally or how others will respond and whether people will be nationally, the story may be repeated and images posted. judgmental about the incident. The local community may commemorate the event on anniversaries with news stories or public memorial It is not unusual for children who attend a new school or services. college to avoid talking about the experience altogether. Posted comments about the officer at online newspaper This emphasizes the importance of providing sites or in social media can be quite horrible. Even if a opportunities for children and youth to speak about their family chooses not to view such comments, they may experiences in a judgment-free setting, such as National filter down to conversations within the community, and Police Week events. sometimes to conversations on school grounds. Secondary Losses Other line-of-duty deaths reported in the news are likely to remind the family of their own experiences. Secondary losses are the changes in relationships, finances and lifestyle that often accompany a death in the family. Legal system issues can go on for years. There will be an In addition to these common changes, there are some ongoing investigation of the incident, including efforts distinct issues common in line-of-duty deaths. to identify and apprehend the perpetrators. If an arrest is made, there are likely to be hearings and trials that bring The police community is a strong one, and belonging is the death into the public’s eye again. The family, including important for officers and their families. The community children, may be asked to testify at trials. is likely to be deeply supportive at the time of the death, but this can change over time. During hearings and trials, survivors must cope with the unsettling presence of a defense attorney who is trying to For families of living officers, the survivors of an officer protect the person believed to have killed their loved one. killed in the line of duty are a painful reminder that their loved ones are also at risk every day of their lives. These If a conviction is won, survivors are likely to be affected are difficult issues to discuss, and many people do not feel by the sentencing. Did the accused express remorse? Does skilled enough to talk about such matters. the punishment match the loss they experienced? Is there a chance of future parole? For survivors, spending time with families who have not experienced a loss such as theirs can also be difficult. Typically, families take upon themselves the responsibility Children may feel resentful that their parent died and of monitoring parole hearings for the perpetrator. other children’s parents did not. Children may testify at such hearings, every time the possibility of parole comes up. Well into their adult years, As mentioned previously, opportunities to spend time at they may still be re-visiting the death as they prepare for National Police Week with families who have also suffered and then attend these hearings. They answer the same a line-of-duty death can be especially helpful. sorts of questions repeatedly and many have to testify again about their experiences. Families who watch TV or movies of any type are likely to see previews and promotionals of popular crime dramas and procedurals. Many of these scenes may remind them of the death, the hearings, the trial or other aspects of their loss. Some types of popular music glorify criminal behavior, killing of police officers or disrespecting law enforcement. This can also be painful for families.

Next: Giving & Getting Support 6 Supporting Children and Family Survivors of Police Line-of-Duty Deaths

5. Giving & Getting Support every year. They receive unique assistance and support themselves and have the opportunity to provide support - See the module Providing Support Over Time for suggestions about to others. supporting grieving children in the years after a death occurs. We encourage schools to arrange appropriate leave time - See the module Professional Preparation for a discussion of for children and teens who wish to attend National Police professional development resources addressing student bereavement. Week. This can be one of the most important resources - See the module Professional Self-Care for guidelines that address the for support over time. challenges of offering support to grieving students. Concerns of Police Survivors: C.O.P.S. Every child and every family respond to death in unique Concerns of Police Survivors (C.O.P.S.) is a national ways. Every situation is unique. However, grieving non-profit organization that hosts the National Police children and families also face a number of common Survivors’ Conference held during National Police Week. challenges and similar experiences as they cope with their They also offer programs for families and individual loss and move forward in their lives. survivors of line-of-duty deaths. Programs include Kids Two important things school professionals can do to Camp, Teen Outward Bound, Young Adults Camp and support children and families who have experienced the supportive programs for other family members. For death of a loved one, whatever the circumstances, are (1) college-age students, there is also a scholarship program speak up and express interest and concern, and (2) listen through the organization. to children and their families. This is the best way to learn Their mission is to rebuild the shattered lives of survivors about their distinct experiences and understand what kind and co-workers affected by line of duty deaths, through of support will be most helpful. partnerships with law enforcement and the community. School professionals play a unique role in supporting grieving students both in the immediate aftermath of a Professional Self-Care loss and over time. Supporting grieving children is a rewarding endeavor The website of the Coalition to Support Grieving for school professionals. Indeed, there are few ways to Students (www.grievingstudents.org) provides extensive have a more meaningful and lasting impact on children. information about children and grief. The materials are However, this can also be painful and challenging work. specifically geared towards the roles and responsibilities The website of the Coalition to Support Grieving Students of school professionals. We encourage you to use the offers practical suggestions for professional self-care. videos and written materials on this website as your primary resource for learning more about providing support to grieving children. National Police Week In 1962, President John F. Kennedy signed a proclamation designating May 15 as Peace Officers Memorial Day, and the week in which it falls as National Police Week. Each year, 25,000 to 40,000 people attend programs in Washington, D.C. to honor fallen officers. This includes tens of thousands of law enforcement officers from around the world as well as family survivors of the fallen. Attendees may participate in a range of activities, including a candlelight vigil, a memorial service and the National Police Survivors’ Conference. Some children who have lost a parent or other family member through a line-of-duty death do not wish to attend these events. Others may wish to attend for a year or two after the death, but not beyond. Many children, however, find it a great benefit to attend

Next: What to Do 7 Supporting Children and Family Survivors of Police Line-of-Duty Deaths

6. What to Do: Survivors of Line-of- 6. Monitor exposure to media coverage on police actions or police deaths, particularly soon after a child Duty Deaths experiences a loss. It may be useful to limit children’s - See the website of the Coalition to Support Grieving Students for exposure to negative media about police behaviors information about talking with and supporting grieving children. or coverage related to deaths of other police officers. Children may appreciate a “check-in” when negative Here are some steps that will help school professionals media coverage is quite heavy (e.g., have they seen provide meaningful support to children who have lost a the coverage? How does it feel to hear these kinds of parent or other close family member through a line-of- things?) duty death. 7. Support students’ attendance at National Police Week 1. Be informed about supporting grieving children and/or the C.O.P.S. summer camp programs. This is a generally. In most ways, children’s grief experiences source of significant and meaningful support for many are similar whatever the cause of a loved one’s death children. might be. Whenever possible, take steps to support professional development about children and grief 8. Work as a team over time. A school team might include within your school or district. educators, administrators and support staff familiar with a student’s personality, academic performance, 2. Be informed about the unique issues of law enforcement social connections and family. Coordinating efforts over survivors. Learn more about the unique culture of those time can help students at vulnerable moments, such as serving in law enforcement. Reading the material in this transitions to new grades or schools, anniversaries of module will help. the death, and other events that may bring up feelings 3. Speak up and offer support to children and families. of grief (e.g., graduation; parent-child events; concerts, Do more listening than talking. Listen “neutrally”— athletic events and science fairs). avoid describing the deceased as a hero. This gives See the modules Coordinating Services & Supporting Transitions children the chance to describe their own memories and Grief Triggers) and experience and allows them to express themselves more honestly and openly. 9. Accommodate grieving students’ challenges with learning. Academic challenges are extremely common See the modules Talking With Children, What Not to Say, among grieving children. It is appropriate and helpful Other Reac tions. for schools to make adjustments in assignments and 4. Take proactive steps to educate all students about death exams, arrange for makeup assignments or provide and teach skills about how to support a grieving peer. tutoring or other support. This will lower anxiety for all students. It will also See the module Impact on Learning. decrease incidents of teasing or other insensitive peer reactions when a student is grieving. 10. Get support for your own responses and feelings. Supporting grieving children is rewarding but can also See the module Peer Support. be difficult. Seek support from colleagues, friends or 5. Watch for incidents of teasing or harassment of a professionals. grieving child and step in to intervene when necessary. See the modules Professional Preparation and Professional Self- The death of a classmate’s parent or close family Care. member can be difficult for peers. Line-of-duty deaths may be particularly disturbing. They represent a disruption of the social order that can be frightening. Teasing is not an unusual reaction—it is a way some children manage their anxiety or confusion. In most cases, children do not intend to be cruel to a classmate. They usually respond positively to opportunities to ask questions of a teacher or other school professional, along with guidance on how to express appropriate condolences. See the module Peer Support.

8 Additional Modules Available at grievingstudents.org

Conversation & Support Reactions & Triggers Talking With Children Impact on Learning What Not to Say Guilt and Shame Providing Support Over Time Other Reactions Peer Support Grief Triggers Develpomental & Cultural Considerations Professional Preparation & Self-Care Concepts of Death Professional Preparation Connecting With Families Professional Self-Care Cultural Sensitivity Crisis & Special Circumstances Practical Considerations Death and School Crisis Funeral Attendance Suicide Secondary and Cumulative Losses Commemoration and Memorializations Coordinating Services & Supporting Transitions Potentially Life-Limiting Conditions Social Media

For more information on supporting grieving students, refer to The Grieving Student: A Teacher’s Guide by David Schonfeld and Marcia Quackenbush.

LEAD FOUNDING MEMBERS

FOUNDING MEMBERS