Mr. Edward F. Sproat III Director Office of Civilian Radioactive Waste Management United States Department of Energy Washington, DC 20585
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5.)6%23%35.,)-)4%$ v v 00-!+).'.%77/2,$33).#% Mr. Edward F. Sproat III Director Office of Civilian Radioactive Waste Management United States Department of Energy Washington, DC 20585 November 19, 2008 Dear Mr. Edward F. Sproat III, It has recently come to our attention that you’re planning to build the nation’s largest nuclear waste repository at Yucca Mountain in the State of Nevada. Please first allow us to extend our congratulations to you and your team. We are impressed by the scope of your ambition. It is clear that your governmental division, the Office of Civilian Radioactive Waste Management, United States Department of Energy, is particularly farsighted. Second, we want to offer our services, which we can state with confidence are uniquely suited to your special project. Universes Unlimited is the foremost purveyor of equipment for macrocosmic fabrication. Our quantum decoherence engine is the only machine purpose-built for all-encompassing creation. On behalf of government and industry, we design state-of-the-art factories to mass-produce full-scale universes. And we are pleased to inform you that the Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Repository is a premier site for the largest universe factory in the world. You should know that your planned facility need be modified only slightly to serve this valuable secondary purpose. Because our quantum decoherence engines are atomic, a universe factory can recycle your unwanted gamma rays, as well as your decaying alpha and beta particles. In other words, Mr. Edward F. Sproat III, your nuclear waste need not go to waste. The groundbreaking science underlying our machinery is based on an aspect of quantum mechanics proposed by Dr. Hugh Everett III of Princeton University in the 1950s, and later refined by scientists including Prof. David Deutsch of Oxford University and Dr. Wojciech Zurek of the Los Alamos National Laboratory. As you may be aware, Dr. Everett’s theory addressed the question of how a subatomic particle can exist in a quantum superposition -- for example being in two places at once -- until someone observes it, at which point the observer finds it to be in only one place at a time. The explanation -/$%2.)3-).#-!2+%4342%%43!.&2!.#)3#/#!777-/$%2.)3-).##/- now widely accepted is that the particle remains in both places when it’s observed, but the observer’s entire universe splits as the measurement is made, so that from that moment forward there are two separate observers living in separate universes, both identical except for the observed location of that single subatomic particle. Our line of quantum decoherence engines puts Dr. Everett’s theory into practice, creating new universes on demand by subdividing our existing cosmos. The supply of subatomic particles used in our popular line of personal universe kits comes from a small sphere of uranium-doped glass, a safe ultra-low-energy atomic source. The radioactive decay is measured by a sliver of scintillating crystal, which cleaves the universe each time a particle is observed. For obvious reasons, this technology is eminently scalable, and, while we have yet to build a universe generator larger than fifteen inches long by ten inches wide, we are reliably certain that the number of new universes created will vastly increase if a factory were to extend over many acres, especially if fueled by more highly radioactive sources such as the waste plutonium slated to be stored in your repository. Accordingly, we propose to sink two- mile-long scintillating crystal stacks into Yucca Mountain, which will glow in the night as universes are produced. Since Universes Unlimited does not currently have the equipment or staffing to take on a job of this scale -- and since it may be more cost-effective for pre-existing Department of Energy contractors to undertake construction of a universe factory while excavating Yucca Mountain -- we would be happy to discuss licensing our technology and working with your office on a consultancy basis. To that end, we have prepared some preliminary engineering drawings, copies of which we are enclosing with this letter, showing possible locations where the scintillating crystal stacks might be situated on Yucca Mountain. In closing, Mr. Edward F. Sproat III, we believe that your nuclear waste repository represents a fantastic opportunity. While many may see it as the nadir of human civilization, we recognize that by generating a googolplex of alternate universes with a googolplex of possible outcomes, there still exists a chance of redemption. For a moderate and negotiable fee, we are eager to provide this chance to the United States government. Thank you for your consideration. We look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience. Sincerely yours, Jonathon Keats President Universes Unlimited P.S.: Please do not be deceived by other companies offering to perform miracles. At Universes Unlimited, genesis is our business..