BROTHERS AND HUSBANDS: THE GREEK PRIN CE BECOMING FEMALE IN GREEK AMERICA
IBy CONSTANCE CALLINICOSI
Ecxerpts from her book "American Aphrodite"
PART II He must control and be omnipotent, omniscient. Without that control, he does not exist as Patriarch, which is to say he does not exist as Greek Man, acme of whose life is to be referred to by his compatriots as pallikari or leventis, heavily-laden words of praise and glory from boyhood lessons in Greek School, lessons in the history of Greece, in the history of revolution and liberation from the Turks. His maleness is reflected for him in huge, framed photo graphs of bearded, mustachioed heroes clad in the kilts and embroidered vests worn by the military mountaineers, guerrilas of the Revolution of 1821 who struggled and died for the liberation and glory of the motherland. He is a baby when is gifted by his grandfather with one of his most impor tant possessions: the full regalia of Tso lias, soldier of his country (Greece). He is a child when he dons the uniform and stands before his parents, cousins, friends, uncles and aunts, his little boy's voice valiantly attempting a heroic cry for revolution, his spindly legs staunchly rooted to the floor of the stage as he recites faithfully the long Greek epic poem, calling to arms gueril las in the fight against-what? He does not know, really. He knows only that the skirt he wears is a symbol of something important. The oriental slippers he has donned, the white hose
Constance Callinicos, a longtime feminist and activist for women's rights, has most recently concentrated her activism and writing on the subject of becoming female among Greeks in America and in the mother country, Greece. She has published articles and lectured widely on a variety of topics germane to this subject (including an exploration ofarranged marriages and the dowery system as it exists in Greek America). "American Aphrodite" is published by Pella Publishing, Tel: (212) 279-9582.
GREEK-AMERICAN REVIEW II his mother has so carefully tugged up kicks his feet into the air, swooping Honour, as the core of one's essence around his hips, hose which refuse to down to the floor, a twist here, and representing one's masculine integrity, stay snug, persistently drooping around intricate turn there, all to the cries of his is the prevalent value in the traditional his knees and ankles, all of his pomp audience, "y as ou, levent i," what better culture of Mediterranean countries ... means something very significant. He reward is there for becoming a Man (social acceptance) is not possible in the can comprehend its meaning only in among Men? absence of unspoiled honor. Closely terms of the shine of pride on papa's In the face of stern-faced guerilla connected with honour is the concept of face, the modest radiance reflected in fighters, how could he shame himself by shame: an individual (man) usually feels his mama's eyes, and from the cries of betraying ever the kind, gentle heart od shamed when he is dishonoured in the pallikari, the burst of applause when he his mother which lives in him just as eyes ofhis friends and the (Greek) com has finished his recitation. Shyly at first, strongly as the forbidding physiognomy munity at large. A man's honour finally then with more and more stiff, cocksure of papa and the fierce stares of Byzan and irrevocably ties in the hands of his self-awareness, the little boy bows to his tine saints portrayed in his church's women, since men are considered to be public, Old and New Greeks of Amer icons? Fighters, all of them, masculine and honourable only when ica, becoming increasingly conscious of adventurers-"men." How could he they can control their wives and all his uniqueness, his "specialness." ever reveal, or hope to achieve success female relatives in such a strict manner by revealing, a gentle, un-Patriarchal that women behave appropriately and And when he dances, costumed, the self? For would he not then be the oppo never acquire a dishonourable reputa dance of the Leventi, clasping hands site of pal/ikari or leventi? Would he not tion in the community. A woman with his young men friends, the leader then be referred to by his peers as lowly becomes dishonoured when she behaves of the dance, he leaps higher and higher, "Woman?" like a man, enjoyingfreedom, especially sexual freedom. Penelope will never be guerilla fighter or adventurer. Her place is at home by the fire, weaving, waiting for Odysseus to return. Perpetually servile, ever Mama, she tends her fires, creating the Home World to which Odysseus must Now Available From always return for refreshment and a re Pella PUblishing Company creation of his energies. Home is the place he comes to for quiet, for peace, Tel: (212) 279-9582 for food, for spiritual nourishment, for validation of his role "out there" as Landlord of the World, validation he receives in the reflection of his glory and Becoming Female In Greek America pride from the faces of WifeMama and By Constance Callinicos adoring sons and daughters. Penelope can never be tsolias or pa/li kari. By definition of being "female" in iguratively speaking, Creek-American women have been without Greek cultural terms, if she is or tries to JF a voice since the first Creek immigrants arrived here as wives, sisters, and daughters . . . making no sound, proclaiming no existence. be non-subservient, non-nurturing, willful, "loose" (the term "loose" defin But because we had no voice, no one cared to acknowledge the ing woman as untied, wandering with phenomenon we represented-Creek-American women, possessed oja particular culture, living a special way oj life, surrounded by a special out leash or benefit of fences, wild, set oj circumstances. Now, in hearing our voices on tapes and in mountain animal which is of course the transcribing them into this book, Constance Callinicos has helped us only thing a woman can be if she is not find our voice-and now it is there jor all to heed. connected to a male, part of his dominat No longer are we mute: no longer anonymous: no longer absent. We ion), she ceases to be Greek. And if she. are here. Attention must be paid to us. is not a Greek Woman, then what is she? This is an important book. Read it. Rpjoicp in o1lr rollpcHvp, powerful If she accepts her culture's definition voices. Thanks to Constance Callinicos, we need no longer be silent. I am of her as a Greek, then she must accept proud that mine is one ojthe voices that will at last be heard-and taken the narrow role offered her in exchange seriously. for her guaranteed identity as Greek: -Aphrodite Clamar. Ph.D .. from the "Foreword" to American Aphrodite woman equals Mother. Mother equals ~ ------Holy, Sanctified. Holy equals the eter Pella Publishing Company. 337 W. 36th Street. New York. New York 10018 nally open-armed All-Suffering Mother Please send me _ _ copies of American Aphrodite. for which I have enclosed $14.00 each (plus $2.00 for postage and handling). of Mothers, Mary, bearer of the only True Son. Name ______While her brotheris encouraged from
Addresa ______the time of boyhood to be guerilla, his pride nourished by icons of fierce war City ______State _ ___ Zip ______rior saints and larger-than-life portraits of 1821 revolutionaries, she, the little
12 GREEK-AMERICAN REVIEW girl, spends most of her childhood gazing skyward toward the dome behind the Holy Altar, a place which forbids her entry, contemplating the only female role model she will ever know, the only female mythology that will ever be offered her besides Yaya and Mama. The All-Holy Virgin on whose lap is seated a miniature adult male who could just as well be her brother, or her cousin. But not her. Never her. Be she wife, sister, aunt or cousin, Mama is a bottomless well, a 24-hour service station to which the men in her life return for periodic fill-ups of the rejuvenating cool water of placid, unquestioning admiration and devo tion. She is the mirror he looks into for confirmation of what he is sometimes not sure of: control. In her adoring eyes and from her caresses and little services does he gain the strength to be cocksure. A man of honor among men. The little Greek boy becomes Greek Prince becomes Greek Man through his control of the first woman he knows: mama. He learns of his power from a subservient mother who willingly assumes the role of womanservant, ful filling her part of the contract entered into when she marries. In exchange for subservience to him and to his sons, and, of course, guidance and training of her daughters to do the same some day, she receives from her husband, as she did from her father, the gift of Greek identity, which she only possesses by virtue of her connection to a Greek. To her son, she gives the gift of the experience of control. His schooling in control over his mother and his sisters prepares him for his place in the world of the patriarch, where the definition of "Greek Man" equals anything "not Woman." Not to be Woman means not to do or be anything that Woman does or is: preparer of food, for instance (exception, of course, is granted the pri est who is allowed the departure into female identity, donning robes and pre paring food, because, after all, his func Photographs from the book tion in the preparation offood-Sacred "American Aphrodite". Food, Holy Eucharist-is only allowed and considered appropriate in the male world because of its connection to God free from the dirt of Womanhood. women who must always be the slightly liness, which Woman will never have). Eve's curse. Not to be Woman is to be primitive gatherers of herbs and leaves, Keeper of the house, for another adventurer, traveler of the world, citi women who must eternally be tied to the instance, and such things as baker of zen of the universe, unfettered spiritu filling of gaping, hungry mouths. bread, nurturer and suckler of children. ally by the pull of earth's gravity, and by Greek men concern themselves with Bleeder. preoccupation with the grimy details of the creation of themselves, and more Not to be Woman is to possess and daily survival. "Woman's work" in the and more "themselves" by implanting control, never to be possessed and con Greek world is bounded by the mud of their seed into a womb (any womb will trolled. Not to be Woman is to be pure, earth, the groveling in dirt for food. It is do). They concern themselves with con-
OCTOBER, 1991 13 trol of the bearers and nurturers of mir For the Greek Male cannot be con barren, single woman. She is the "man ror images of "themselves" (their wives, cerned with other than creation of him nish" woman and he is the "womanish" daughters) only insofar as that control self. His most important contribution to man. slips, or is in danger of being completely his race is his boy-children. Nothing he What can separate the young Greek lost. A wife, daughter, or sister will be accomplishes, no success in the world, man from his mama? A wedge must be broken, will be hobbled, or even beaten can have any meaning to him, nor can driven between the man and his mother, into submission, before she is allowed to he consider himself validated or worthy for "love" of another woman will not have the effrontery to display traits of of having lived if he has not reproduced succeed in alienating him from her. He dishonorable behavior which identify himself. Yet, a paradox: to attain his has no frame of reference for the word her (his possession) as "unwomanly" or goal of highest contribution to his race's "love" or the feeling "love" where "immodest" (read "sexual, intelligent, immortality (his own immortality, if Woman other than Mama is concerned. free" in the mind of any Greek male you will) he is forced to enter into inti This feeling could never be strong alive today). mate alliance with a stranger, a woman enough to threaten his relationship with other than his mama. his mama and cause him to want to It is a necessary evil which he accepts leave her side. willingly, for of course he will never be It is Papa who will put pressure upon EJ\AHNIKH
H Tiva ~avwplvaiou 11 EA.A.11- Diner-Restaurant VlKll
14 GREEK-AMERICAN REVIEW general, is attributed to the trickery and deceit of others. .. "Love" for a woman is always beside ~AMOYPKEIO IAPYMA the point in male-female relations among Greeks. This new woman will AnPEA XPHI:TOY & ZnHI: I:AMOYPKA not be expected to provide her man with Taxuop. 0upioa 65130 A9tjva love, which he does not need, already having earned the adoration of his mother, the only woman for whom he will feel deep-seated intimate longings. npOKHPY3H Nor will it ever be appropriate for him to expect love from this woman. What ynOTPO«llInN she is expected to provide for him is an unusual vessel in which to incu bate the E~(!)tEPll(oU- E
The Greek conct!pt ofphilotimo clar EK 1'OU topuJla1'O~ ifies the connection between honor o npOEOpO~ d.~. and shame and determines whether 0EoOropO~ Xp. ~aJlOUpKa~ or not any action will be taken in order to restore damaged honor.. .
OCTOBER, 1991 15 philotimo means "love ofhonor" and exist in their established eternal order. refreshment, for a sweet diversion from is used to identify the character of a One knows rock-solid stability, a result the seriousness of daily monotony, mar Greek who is concerned with his of lifelong residence in a world where riage, responsibilities and devotion to honor and his good name above all one reigns as benevolent, respected culture and family history. For friend and who is willing to safeguard it at ruler. This is a world controlled by God ship, then, for love and companionship any price. Since it is the possession of and oneself. he will not turn to Woman; he will look philotimo that sensitizes a Greek to "Romantic love" for a female as it is to his peers. Love for Man is a natural public opinion and obliges him to understood in contemporary Western connection; among Greeks, the most conform to the traditional norms of (American) society, love given over in wheolesome of connections, more conduct, only a philotimos Greek is sacrifice to a person who is one's friend, wholesome even than that which he has respectable and thought to be companion, soulmate bothe people liv with his mother. socialized. ing in a relationship which precedes duty to parents, to children to the Greek At bottom, her being a woman and "Love"is defined in the Greek male man. Of course he feels warmth toward his mother, a forbidden sex partner, mind as a sort of warm, sentimental his woman. Is she not the keeper of his companion, or friend and a servant, no feeling, as when one feels "love" for home? Is she not monitor of all his phys matter how much intimacy he may have one's children, or one feels pride in their ical and emotional needs, as was his experienced with her as a boy, his existence, pride in their accomplisht" mother before her? How could one not desires for closeness to her clouds the ments, which are always a reflection of feel warmth? relationship with nasty, distasteful con glory upon oneself. "Love" for one's But companion, friend? That kind of flicts, desires of a little bit seamy and woman (gineka:wife) is protectiveness, companionship one gets from one's sorbid nature best not dealt with. Every warmth toward the mother of one's sons male friends. Certainly if one needs thing a Greek Male admires, respects (pedhia, which, curiously, is a word des "love" of the sexual kind (erota as dis and emulates in other human beings is cribing one's children, who are in turn tinguished from agape, which is love on in Man: first his Papa, then his boyhood only one's sons. In English, one has five a much higher spiritual plane), one and young manhood friends. From "children", four daughters, one son. In might always take a mistress, perhaps childhood he is assured over and over of Greek, one has one pedhi, and four one of the American women, to whom his beauty, of his self-worth, of a uni daughters, in addition). One feels such thigns as purity, virginity, and que, special place in the world over any warmth toward one's woman, content honorable female behavior are not con other kind of men. ment, security in the possession of cepts to be taken so seriously. One con For education he will look to males. unchanging sanctity, comfort in the sumes women such as those as one eats a For socialization he will look to males. knowledge that alI things (and people) tasty piece of loukoumi, for one's He and his friends learn from each other
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16 GREEK-AMERICAN REVIEW and their fathers the cocksure strut. and to have the privilege of direct com these dances, but it is not proper, not They learn about the Master-Slave munion with the Godhead. Male speci accepted, certainly never admired. Concubine relationship they are alness among those who commune Wonderful Sailor's Dance, hasapiko, expected to have with women of their directly with their God and participate proud Warrior's Dance, tsamiko: he world, women that they will some day in Holy Rituals was confirmed for him steps lightly leaping gracefully into the own themselves. They are assured by on the day of his forty days' birthday, air, bending again his beautiful body to their fathers that women need "protec reaffirmed for him when he is accepted the ground as he leads the circle of proud tion" not only from their own unseemly, into Holy Fraternity as an altar boy, young men, their arms clasped behind wanton desires but also from the temp dressed in fine broacaded robes, gold each other's shoulders, cheered on by tations presented to them by contact embroidered satin cloth, the finery of the chorus of triumphant shouts from with the world of the foreigner Ameri kings of Byzantium, the day he takes his comprades and friends :" Yasou, leventi, cans. Therefore, how could it be possi place maong the hole men pictured in pallikari, beautiful young warrior so ble for what the Western world knows icons of gold, the day he is given an worthy, worthy of his father's burst of as a love relationship between man and ornate gold and brass candelabrum to pride and his mother's and sisters' woman ever to blossom betweeen two carry in the litanies of his father's and worship." beings separated by such a chasm of his God's church. And when the dance is done, the inequality and difference in roles and And of dancing, the joy and passion music stops, he experiences exhilara functions? Can there be friendship or of Greek life, the young Greek male tion ecstasy, passion. It shows in his warmth between pasha and eunuch? learns that it is an expression of male eyes, his face lit up with happiness. The Harldy likely. beauty, grace and pride. Here too, he first person he turns to for the sharing of Add to an already impossible situa takes his special place while admiring such deep feeling will be his friend tion between Greek-American man and young women watch. He dances the Yannis, or Yorgis, or Stefan os, or woman, laden with centuries of tradi most exuberant, the most gloriously Andreas. He will throw his arms around tional and strictly enforced separation poetic dances reserved for his and only his dear friend and feel what equals of the sexes, the Greek male's socialized his participation. Women may dance must feel for each other in such disgust for the female; his primitive blood-fear which has been codified into N G------, an idelogy which permeates even com .------ANNOUNC munication with his God; his terror at losing or dissipating his maleness by any but the approved ritual contact with First Annual National Conference her body (procreation, not intercourse); of the incredible lack of communion with her mind and soul; and not the least of all, GREEK AMERICAN WOMENIS NETWORK his conviction that she is an inferior being, one can readily comprehend his Saturday, October 19, 1991 being driven from her. One can easily at the sympathize with his avoidance of her when he seeks friendship, human OMNI.Park Central Hotel warmth, deepfelt love for another 7th Avenue at 56th Street human being who is an equal. New York, NY
He may have been suckled by a woman, serviced by a woman, fed, Greek American Women: combed and dressed by a woman, but Work and Choices In a Changing World the joy and passion of his life will only be experienced in the company of men, Featuring Guest Speakers and Panelists in the pursuit .. of strictly male pastimes. Greek men go "out on the town" in the Tontatlvo Topics company of each other, not women. Greek American Women: An Overview Even today, the streets of large Greek cities, or quarters of American cities lar Gender and Family Relations over the lifespan gely populated by Greeks are remarka Ethnic Community and Organizational Structure: The Role of Women ble for their dearth of unaccompanied, Women in the Work Force: Do Ethnic Differences Exist? unchaperoned young women out for a I good time together. One only observes Fundamentals of Networking groups of males, young and old. The Strategies for the 21 st Century streets of Greek "countries" belong to men who pursue male pastimes together. PLAN TO AnEND ••• TO PARTICIPATE ... TO ENJOY He learns about his God-Who-Is-A Discussions 0 Luncheon 0 Reception 0 Friendships Man from the Messenger-From-God Who-Is-A-Man, one privileged because For more information, call Dr. Alice Scourby, (516) 299-2404. of his manhood to be holy and sacred,
OCTOBER, 1991 17 ccccccccccccccccccccccccccoo moments: love. And whether or not Muses and of the Caryatis. such love ever becomes sexual (in many My breasts have been bound up male friendships among Greeks it will) tightly. My beautiful waves of hair have is beside the point. The point is that for been tightly bound into braids pinned the young Greek, "love" for another to my head. My voluptuous hips, herit human being will be felt always and age of my ancient Mediterranean fore forever for his friend, his patrioti, his mothers, are hidden under layers and peer, not for woman. Not like this. Not layers of black garments, by they psy ever. FOR ALL YOUR chic garments of the physical reality of And I, beautiful Greek Man, I, your ritual grief. And my eyes automatically SOCIAL AFFAIRS woman, have watched you since I was a lower their gaze to the ground when I little girl. My brother, I have admired meet you, as is the custom in the village you. I have loved you. I have served of my birth. My hands are forever ath€nlans you. I have hated you. folded modestly in my lap as I watch I have envied grievously your special you dance. Or they bear a tray for your GREEK • AMERICAN BAND ness. I have mourned the loss of my service. childhood friend to what he has been And I have wept into the night over taught is a superior world, a world into the loss to me of my brother, my hus which I could not follow you, as I fol band, my son, and most of all, of my lowed you when we were children and father,to a world which is theirs alone: you were my hero. I helped create that to a freedom which I can never expe world. I have perpetuated with my rience, not living among them and close silence and willing acceptance the super to them, with them, only apart from iority you take for granted. And yet I them, away from the country I love and have hated you for it as well as loved the family I am part of, yet must deny in and envied you. order to be free. I have wept into the I have wished over and over that I, night over the loss of the joy and passion too, could be congratulated for being of the dance which remains their high leventis. I have wished that I, too, could walled domain, over the loss of the be included in the passionate dance of jealously-guarded spiritual world of your life, that I could be encircled in the their Man-God, a spiritual world where deeply feld embrace of the comrade only their kind are granted holiness, when the dance is done. I have dreamed purity, where only you my brother, are TIMOS AMIRIDIS of your arms around me, of that inti the sacred stuff of the gods. Where even (516) 928-5916 mate look of ecstasy directed toward my baby son takes his rightful place in me, of the naked passion of your youth the line to the entrance into Heaven's bared for my eyes, too. Gate ahead of me, the person whose body I have longed to be your friend. I have bled and pained to bear him, sweet longed for your undivided attention to wonderful baby boy whose first act of who I really am. I have ached to see the manhood will be to despise me and all ritual guard of family loyalty, the walls my kind. of pride and ego, for your veil of self I have wept, too, for your loss, beauti absorption to be dropped from you as I ful Greek Hermes. You have lost the would also want the veil removed from knowledge of Aprhodite, of Athena, of my psyche, the veil I have been taught to Persephone, of Olympia, of Electra, wear to hide myself from you. I have and of all of us. Your futuous pride has CONTINENTAL longed for both of us to see in each other condemned you and your sons and your human beings who admire and respect sons' sons to one lone image of woman: CUISINE each other. I have fervently wished for Mama. You are impoverished. Having Excellent Service you to see me, trully see me without no knowledge of my spirit, you are Seafood Specialties disgust, for you to respect what you see, barren. Unless you have drunk of the Moderate Prices for you to love as Woman Human, so wine of my intellect, heard the song of that I could love you as Man Human, my soul, danced with me the dance of Jerry Mendelson and not to be tied to my role in your life my life, you are a desert wasteland. You at the Piano and Organ as servant and mother. Even as I know it have given away your sister, who is your Entertains Nightly will never be. beautiful female warrior-companion, CLOSED MONDA YS Even as I know that both of us have buying you false pride and the stability Catering Facilities been locked tightly into our roles. Both of your precious frail ego at a small price to you: her destruction. (201) 327-1020 of us have become stone images-you the 30 N. SPRUCE STREET beautiful youth of ancient Greece, and I RAMSEY, N.J. the warped, babushka-peasant-dress clad ghost of the goddess Aphrodite, the THE THIRD PART: distorted descendant of the breathtaking In our November issue
18 GREEK-AMERICAN REVIEW