Fall 2020 Volume 38, Issue 3 Dedicated to the Aftermath and Prevention of Murder
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National Organization of Parents Of Murdered Children, Inc. For the families and friends of those who have died by violence Fall 2020 Volume 38, Issue 3 Dedicated to the Aftermath and Prevention of Murder FALL, GRIEF TRIGGERS AND MEMORIES Written by: Debbie Scott October 2019 The calendar has flipped to October essentially, a grief trigger is anything that in your mind, and may make you feel and the air grows cool and the green brings up memories related to a loss. like you’ve been hit in the gut. Who of trees we have become accustomed to Think about that for a moment—memory us, as survivors of homicide victims start their journey into hues of orange, related to a loss. haven’t experienced that kind of gut- red and yellow. Drive or walk down Some triggers are painfully obvious and wrenching memory that stops us in our the street and you are surrounded by easy to anticipate – like a birthday or a tracks? leaves that resemble snow that crunch- holiday – but some creep up behind you Memories are where our loved ones es underfoot. You can almost smell and smack you when you are least ex- continue to live after they’re gone from pumpkin spice, cinnamon and cider in pecting it, like going to a Sunday reli- this earth; this is why we hold onto the air. gious service to have someone sit in front objects that remind us of them and go We all have fall-related memo- of you that has the same defining trait of to places where they feel near. It may ries. First days of school, homecom- your loved one; or driving by a young be true, when someone we love is mur- ing, pumpkin carving, leaf pile jump- male who has his ball cap on backward dered, we are forever at risk of their ing – if these were the only things that while riding a skate board. That surprise memory triggering aftershocks of the had ever happened in fall, our memo- grief trigger may leave you with an over- pain that we fight on a daily basis. But ries from September thru November whelming sense of sadness and yearning. think about this— if we let them, such would be considered normal. Grief triggers can cause troubled feel- memories could also fill our hearts But for those of us who have experi- ings because they open the floodgate with warmth and comfort. Each of us enced the murder of a loved one, it of our memories that pop into our head just has to get to the point where our now seems that we will never experi- without any effort to recall them. They hearts are ready to accept that warmth ence the sights, smells, and feelings of might hit you out of nowhere as you’re of a memory. That is the work of be- fall in quite the same way as we once driving down the street, sitting at your ing a survivor of a homicide victim. did. In the recesses of my mind flow desk at work, or while you’re microwav- It’s now our life’s work. memories of hayrides, Halloween, and ing popcorn. Many of these memories are Wishing you a fall season of beauti- apple picking play second string to no- innocent while others, especially those ful trees, apple cider and donuts, and a goodbyes said to our loved one, red- associated with a murdered loved one, heart filled with warm memories of eyed family members, graveyards, sad- can leave you riding that emotional roller your loved one. ness, and longing for what may have coaster. been. For us left behind, fall not only Those in the field of grief counseling Mary Hugs, brings us a sensory overload of sights will tell you these triggered memories Debbie Scott and smells, but could also be consid- aren’t entirely random and don’t actual- ered a landmine of grief triggers. ly come out of nowhere; usually a sight, But exactly what is the actual defini- sound, song, smell, word, or another tion for ‘grief trigger’? That’s a good memory triggers them. These memories question and most certainly means dif- invoke strong emotion that can cause ferent things to different people. But a memory to imprint firmly and vividly Page 2 SURVIVORS GRIEF: Coping With Reminders After a Loss By: Mayo Clinic Staff Retrieved from Valley of the Sun Chapter’s January 2020 Newsletter Grief doesn’t magically end at a might experience sadness, loneli- Connect with others. Draw certain point after a loved one’s ness, anger, anxiety, trouble sleep- friends and loved ones close to death. Reminders often bring ing, fatigue, pain. Anniversary reac- you, including people who back the pain of the loss. Here’s tions can also evoke powerful mem- were special to your loved help coping—and healing. ories of the feelings and events sur- one. Find someone who’ll When a loved one dies, you rounding your loved one’s death. encourage you to talk about might be faced with grief over For example, you might remember your loss. Stay connected to your loss again and again— in great detail where you were and your usual support systems, sometimes even years later. Feel- what you were doing when your such as spiritual leaders and ings of grief might return on the loved one died. social groups. Consider join- anniversary of your loved one’s ing a bereavement support death, birthday or other special Tips to cope with reawakened grief group. days throughout the year. Even after a loss, you might con- Allow yourself to feel a These feelings, sometimes tinue to feel sadness when you are range of emotions. It’s okay called anniversary reaction, aren’t confronted with reminders of your to be sad and feel a sense of necessarily a setback in the griev- loved one’s death. As you continue loss, but also allow yourself to ing process. They’re a reflection healing, take steps to cope with re- experience joy and happiness. that your loved one’s life was im- minders of your loss. For example: As you celebrate special times, portant to you. Be prepared. Anniversary reac- you might find yourself both To continue on the path toward tions are normal. Knowing that laughing and crying. healing, know what to expect— you’re likely to experience anni- and how to cope with reminders versary reactions can help you When grief becomes overly of your loss. understand them and even turn intense them into opportunities for heal- There is no time limit for grief, Reminders can be anywhere ing. and anniversary reactions can Certain reminders of your loved Plan a distraction. Schedule a leave you reeling. Still, the inten- one might be inevitable, especially gathering or a visit with friends sity of grief tends to lessen with on holidays, birthdays, anniver- or loved ones during times when time. If your grief gets worse saries and other special days that you are likely to feel alone or be over time instead of better or in- follow your loved one’s death. reminded of your loved one’s terferes with your ability to func- Reminders aren’t just tied to the death. tion in daily life, consult a grief calendar, though. They can (be) Reminisce about your relation- counselor or other mental health tied to sights, sounds and smells ship. Focus on the good things provider. Unresolved or compli- — and they can ambush you. You about your relationship with cated grief can lead to depression might suddenly be flooded with your loved one and the time you and other mental health problems. emotions when you drive by the had together, rather than the With professional help, however, restaurant your partner loved or loss. Write a letter or a note you can re-establish a sense of when you hear your child’s favor- about some of your good memo- control and direction in your ite song. Even memorial celebra- ries. You can add to this note life—and return to the path to- tions for others can trigger the anytime. pain of your own loss. wards healing. Start a new tradition. Make a What to expect when grief returns donation to a charitable organi- Anniversary reactions can last zation in your loved one’s name for days at a time or—in more ex- on birthdays or holidays or plant treme cases—much longer. Dur- a tree in honor of your loved ing an anniversary reaction you one. SURVIVORS Page 3 WHAT ARE GRIEF DREAMS? Written by: Kevyn Burger, Next Avenue June 10, 2020 In the middle of the afternoon, psychologists and social scientists partner and ninety-two percent Dan Callahan flopped on the who study them, is a fairly com- considered them positive,” he couch for a nap. Roused briefly mon occurrence. In the midst of said. “If the deceased had been by his daughter, he rolled over to the current global pandemic, sick in life, they look healthy in resume his snooze. That’s when dreams of those who have died the dream. Often, the spouse re- his wife Brenda walked in. The may become more common as turns with advise or to help with same Brenda who had died sud- thousands of people come to terms parenting. There are sexual en- denly two months earlier at age with the loss of a loved one. counters. Some spouses appear in 59. “It wasn’t a dream; I know And while most such dreams dreams to give their approval to a what a dream is.