LAST ROUND-UP OF THE GUACAMOLE QUEENS

BY JESSIE JONES NICHOLAS HOPE JAMIE WOOTEN

DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE INC. LAST ROUND-UP OF THE GUACAMOLE QUEENS — JONES, HOPE, WOOTEN LAST ROUND-UP OF THE GUACAMOLE QUEENS

BY JESSIE JONES NICHOLAS HOPE JAMIE WOOTEN

DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE INC. LAST ROUND-UP OF THE GUACAMOLE QUEENS Copyright © 2015, Jessie Jones, Nicholas Hope, Jamie Wooten All Rights Reserved

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of LAST ROUND-UP OF THE GUACAMOLE QUEENS is subject to payment of a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including without limitation professional/amateur stage rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical, electronic and digital reproduction, transmission and distribution, such as CD, DVD, the Internet, private and file-sharing networks, information storage and retrieval systems, photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed upon the matter of readings, permission for which must be secured from the Author’s agent in writing. The stage performance rights throughout the world for LAST ROUND-UP OF THE GUACAMOLE QUEENS (including first and second class rights) are controlled exclusively by DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., 440 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016. No professional or nonprofessional performance of the Play may be given without obtaining in advance the written permission of DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., and paying the requisite fee. Inquiries concerning all other rights should be addressed to the Authors c/o Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016. SPECIAL NOTE Anyone receiving permission to produce LAST ROUND-UP OF THE GUACAMOLE QUEENS is required to give credit to the Authors as sole and exclusive Authors of the Play on the title page of all programs distributed in connection with performances of the Play and in all instances in which the title of the Play appears, including printed or digital materials for advertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or a production thereof. Please see your production license for font size and typeface requirements. Be advised that there may be additional credits required in all programs and promotional material. Such language will be listed under the “Additional Billing” section of production licenses. It is the licensee’s responsibility to ensure any and all required billing is included in the requisite places, per the terms of the license. SPECIAL NOTE ON SONGS AND RECORDINGS For performances of copyrighted songs, arrangements or recordings mentioned in these Plays, the permission of the copyright owner(s) must be obtained. Other songs, arrangements or recordings may be substituted provided permission from the copyright owner(s) of such songs, arrangements or recordings is obtained; or songs, arrangements or recordings in the public domain may be substituted.

2 This play is dedicated to David Anthony Wright, talented director, playwright and friend. ON LICENSING LAST ROUND-UP OF THE GUACAMOLE QUEENS

Under no circumstances should any female role in this comedy be played by a male, or any male role in this comedy be played by a female.

Nothing in the licenses for Last Round-Up of the Guacamole Queens (or any of the plays written by Jones Hope Wooten) gives the right to film video or audio record a performance, a rehearsal, or any part thereof. Placing any excerpts on YouTube, Facebook, or social media of any kind is a violation of copyright laws.

All of the characters portrayed in Last Round-Up of the Guacamole Queens are fictional creations, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

4 AUTHORS’ NOTES

We suggest that up-tempo music be played pre- and post-show, at intermission, and especially during scene transitions. Texas swing music is particularly appropriate.

The roles of Dixie Davenport and Tanzie Lockhart can be doubled.

Wide Bride, the wedding boutique, is the only set. All other locations should be suggested by lighting and minimal furniture.

Because a character must be concealed behind the couch for an extended length of time, the audience should not be able to see under the couch.

To avoid losing momentum between scenes — particularly in Act One between Scenes 5 and 6, and in Act Two between Scenes 2 and 3 — speedy scene and costume changes should be a priority.

Dewey speaks to Obediah as if he were a real person. Dewey is NOT a ventriloquist. No attempt by the actor playing Dewey should be made to conceal the fact that he’s speaking for the puppet when he does so.

Obediah should be a hand puppet with human features. He is not a sock puppet or ventriloquist’s dummy or an animal or a creature.

The characters who populate Sweetgum, Texas, should be portrayed as real people, not Southern caricatures.

All of the characters portrayed in LAST ROUND-UP OF THE GUACAMOLE QUEENS are fictional creations, and any resem- blance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

5 The world premiere of LAST ROUND-UP OF THE GUACAMOLE QUEENS was produced by the Paramount Acting Company at the Paramount Theater of Burlington, North Carolina, on December 18, 2014. It was directed by David Anthony Wright; the set design was by Randy Phillips, Jay Carey, and Beth Matthews; the lighting design was by Elizabeth Kornstadt; the costume design was by Tracy Carey; the technical direction and sound design were by Lynn Grose; the stage manager was Beth Matthews; the assistant stage manager was Catherine Cameron; the production crew were Jason Matthews, Rebecca Kornstadt, Heather Phillips; the company photographer was Walter Boyd; and the original Jones Hope Wooten show logo was designed by Joe Connor. The cast was as follows:

CEE CEE WINDHAM ...... Julie Lefew JIMMIE WYVETTE VERDEEN ...... Kathy Collier PEACHES VERDEEN BELROSE ...... Jane McLelland GAYNELLE VERDEEN ...... Bethany Baker LaMERLE VERDEEN MINSHEW ...... Peggy Bazakas AUBREY VERDEEN ...... Gary Lefew DIXIE DAVENPORT/ TANZIE LOCKHART ...... S. Elizabeth Carroll ENNIS CROWDER PUCKETT ...... Claire King DELLA CROWDER ...... Carol Plew GROVER LOUT ...... John Collier DEWEY DAVENPORT ...... Allen Wilkerson RAYNERD CHISUM ...... Tim Wray

6 CHARACTERS

CEE CEE WINDHAM, 50s JIMMIE WYVETTE VERDEEN, 40s PEACHES VERDEEN BELROSE, late 40s GAYNELLE VERDEEN, 50s LaMERLE VERDEEN MINSHEW, late 60s to 70 AUBREY VERDEEN, 90s DIXIE DAVENPORT, 50s ENNIS CROWDER PUCKETT, 80s DELLA CROWDER, 80s GROVER LOUT, 40s DEWEY DAVENPORT, late 40s RAYNERD CHISUM, 40s TANZIE LOCKHART, 50s

PLACE

In and around Wide Bride, a bridal boutique on Main Street, Sweetgum, Texas, USA.

TIME

The present.

7 ACT ONE

Scene 1: The set ofHospitality House, morning. Scene 2: Java Junction, the same time. Scene 3: Uncle Aubrey’s house, moments later. Scene 4: The set ofHospitality House, half an hour later. Scene 5: Wide Bride, four days later. Scene 6: Wide Bride, two days later, afternoon.

ACT TWO

Scene 1: The set ofHospitality House, the next morning. Scene 2: Wide Bride, three-thirty that afternoon. Scene 3: Wide Bride, that night. Scene 4: Wide Bride, two o’clock the next morning. LAST ROUND-UP OF THE GUACAMOLE QUEENS

ACT ONE

Scene 1

Morning, lights up downstage center on the set of Hospitality House, a low-budget cable access program in Sweetgum, Texas. Two chairs are arranged for conversation and Cee Cee Windham, sassy and stylish, addresses the “camera” from the stage right chair.

CEE CEE. Happy Friday, everybody! I’m Cee Cee Windham and welcome to Hospitality House, the number-one cable access show in the tri-county area, coming to you live from Sweetgum, Texas! Now, if you missed yesterday’s program, you missed a good one. Sister Dixie Davenport hosted our new segment, Inspiration Station, with the timely topic: “Hot Flashes — God’s Way of Giving You a Little Taste of Hell.” Powerful stuff. Moving right along, here’s a quick announcement — Clovis Sanford’s House of Meat finally reopened over in Fayro. And if that’s not exciting enough, today Clovis will be signing copies of his self-published memoir, High On The Hog, back by the sausage grinder. Don’t miss this once-in-a-lifetime literary event! And now, let’s get right to the topic everyone’s talking about — that dear old Sweetgum High is going to be torn down. Now, we want everyone to show up for the final reunion of all the classes one week from tonight.

9 Go, Buccaneers! And until then we’ll feature several of our most famous graduates here on this show. Today’s celebrity alum is the founder of the go-to source for wedding gowns for Texas-size gals, Wide Bride! Let’s welcome Jimmie Wyvette Verdeen! (Jimmie Wyvette Verdeen, a hearty good ol’ girl with an unfortunate unibrow, enters from stage right wearing men’s Western wear, strides to the stage left chair, waves, and sits.) So good to have you with us on today’s show, Jimmie Wy. Now rumor has it you and your cousins are in charge of this big reunion and are whippin’ up a real humdinger! JIMMIE WYVETTE. Well, I don’t usually cotton to rumors but this is one you can take to the bank! Peaches, Gaynelle, and myself are popping our shirttails getting ready for one fabulous, final blowout in the old gym. And I’ve got a trivia tidbit for all your viewers: Do all y’all remember that the school was built on the site of an old avocado grove? That’s why the homecoming game was called the Guacamole Bowl. CEE CEE. Ah, precious memories, how they linger. Now, everybody in McTwayne County’s super excited about the reunion. And we thought members of our viewing audience might have some questions for you. We have our first caller so … (Louder.) Who are we speaking with and is this question for me or our guest? MAN. (Voiceover.) It’s for any woman. I’m Lloyd Jarvis, my wife’s gone, and I gotta wash my shirt. What settin’ do I use on the washin’ machine? CEE CEE. (Sighs.) Well, it depends. What does it say on your shirt, Lloyd? MAN. (Voiceover.) Uh … Texas A and M. (Cee Cee hangs her head.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. Hey, Lloyd, when zombies attack, lookin’ for brains, don’t worry, you’ll be safe! (Guffaws. Off Cee Cee’s glare:) What? I didn’t say he’s stupid. I figured he already knew. CEE CEE. (Quickly, to the “camera.”) The views expressed by our guests are not necessarily those of this station. (Then.) I think now would be a super time to hear from our new sponsor, The Gravy Bucket, offering all-you-can-eat biscuits and syrup on Saturdays. And with the purchase of any cake, pie, or dozen donuts, you’ll get a free diabetes home test kit at the check-out. Now, we’ll be right back, live from Sweetgum, Texas! (Blackout.)

10 Scene 2

Same time. Lights up downstage left on a bistro table and chairs. This is Java Junction, Sweetgum’s coffee shop. Peaches Verdeen Belrose, a flashy dresser, loud-talking and fun-loving, scrutinizes her reflection in the coffee shop “window” (meaning, she faces the audience). She sucks in her stomach, strikes a pose, drops it, pulls her face up as in a facelift, and pats the skin under her chin. Unhappy with what she sees, she turns, studies her butt, and wiggles it a few times as her cousin, Gaynelle Verdeen, quirky and a bit on edge, hurries in from stage left.

GAYNELLE. Peaches Verdeen Belrose, what in the name of good sense has gotten into you, standing in the window of the Java Junction shakin’ your be-hind?! Everybody on Main Street can see what you’re doing! PEACHES. Let ’em look! I’m up to these chins in desperation and I need help, Gaynelle! (Increasing anxiety.) When you look at me do you see “foxy mama” or “saggy senior”? I mean, do you think Pretty Woman or Free Willy? (Grabs Gaynelle’s collar.) Is your first thought “S-E-X-Y” or “A-A-R-P”? You gotta tell me! Tell me!! GAYNELLE. Right now, my first thought is, “I want your topaz earrings when they haul you off to the nuthouse.” PEACHES. This is serious! Lonny Joe Dorton just canceled our date! He’s the third guy this month to bail on me because of my profession. Evidently, once a man hits fifty, he’s so scared of dying, he’d rather chew off his own foot than cozy up to amortuarial cosmetologist. What am I supposed to do?! GAYNELLE. You must be desperate asking me that since I haven’t been on a date since Methuselah was in Pre-K. PEACHES. Look, I am only human! I have needs. These lips need to be kissed, these curves need to be caressed, this trembling body needs to be — GAYNELLE. We know all about your needs. I have ’em, too. And yes, we need some new men in the dating pool. And we need business

11 to get better so we can quit working two jobs. But right now what I need is to know why you dragged me away from the store. PEACHES. Oh, right. Actually … I’ve got some bad news and I know you don’t take bad news very well, so … you might want to sit down. GAYNELLE. Oh, no, not just bad news, it’s sit-down-bad news?! (Wilts into a chair.) Then just do it quick and get it over with. (Closes her eyes.) PEACHES. Okay. (Exhales with dread.) I just found out … Sumner died. GAYNELLE. (Looks at Peaches.) Sumner Bodeen? My ex-husband? Dead? PEACHES. Yes. GAYNELLE. The tomcattin’ creep who humiliated me in front of every living soul in Sweetgum by running off with that tacky redhead from the Dollar General? PEACHES. That’s who I’m talking about. GAYNELLE. The jackass who drained our bank account and, when I tried to get my money back, attempted to commit me to a mental institution? PEACHES. That would be the one. And you gotta find a way to accept it. GAYNELLE. Oh … (Beat. Then bursts into a smile, stands, and dances and boogies like a wild woman, happy out of her mind. She looks down and yells.) Hey, Sumner, how you doin’ down there? Not hot enough for you?! Then let’s crank up that thermostat!(Stomps three times and throws herself into the dance.) PEACHES. (Watches a moment, then.) Well, I guess we all grieve in our own way. (Gaynelle dances joyfully. Blackout.)

12 Scene 3

Moments later, lights up downstage right on Uncle Aubrey’s house — a table, chair, and a small trashcan. A purse stuffed with envelopes and documents is open on the table. LaMerle Verdeen Minshew, well-dressed, self-serving, sharp-tongued, hurriedly folds clean laundry. Uncle Aubrey Verdeen, good- natured, oxygen-dependent patriarch of the family, with a nasal cannula attached to his ever-present oxygen tank on wheels, enters from stage right.

LaMERLE. Well, Uncle Aubrey! Look who’s up at the crack of noon! (Pointedly.) Must be nice living a life of sloth and leisure! AUBREY. What brought you here, LaMerle? And does it have a reverse? (Re: laundry.) What’s your rush? In a hurry to meet your posse down at the biker bar? (Cackles happily.) LaMERLE. (Glowers, then with fervor.) I say yea verily, the tongue of evil shall not steer me from the path of salvation! Hallelujah! And you’ll be laughing out of the other side of your mouth, Aubrey Verdeen, when I become a deacon down at my new church. Everyone in town will be talking about how I’m full of righteousness! AUBREY. Everyone already talks about what you’re full of, LaMerle, but righteousness ain’t got nothin’ to do with it! (Cackles happily.) LaMERLE. Very funny, Spawn of Satan, but the last three people elected mayor of this town were all deacons at the Assembly of Sanctified Souls. AUBREY. Well, if anyone’s ever deserved to have the letters A.S.S. beside her name, it’s you. LaMERLE. Don’t I know it! I’ve got all the awards and docu- mentation of my civic good works right there in my purse to take to the elders. They choose the new deacon next week.(A rumble is heard offstage. They react.) And if my plan works, we won’t be forced to listen to that racket anymore. AUBREY. Yeah, ol’ Kajur Langley’s one happy fracker. He’s the King of Gas and with the money he’s makin’, nobody’s gonna stop him.

13 LaMERLE. We’ll just see about that. I refuse to spend the rest of my life straightening my Thomas Kinkades every time the ground shakes from all that pumping. It’s my godly duty to save Sweetgum from this destruction. AUBREY. “Godly duty” my hind foot! I know what you’re up to. You want to be mayor so you can get a piece of Kajur Langley’s frackin’ action! LaMERLE. My only ambition is to raise the Verdeen family name up from the ooze you seem determined to drag it into. So until I’m named deacon, leave the women of Sweetgum alone! No cavorting around like an old fool! AUBREY. Hey, when you’re a stud, it’s hard to keep the fillies away. LaMERLE. (Gasps. Holds up a pair of boxers printed with sexy graphics.) What is this?! See here?! Exactly what I’m talking about. (Whaps him with boxers.) Shame and filth! You hear me, Sinner? I shudder to think what disgusting thing you’re wearing this minute. AUBREY. (Looks down the front of his pants.) Nothin’. I’m goin’ commando! Need proof? LaMERLE. No! Nobody wants to see that! God doesn’t even want to see that! (Throws the boxers in the trash.) You sullying the Verdeen name carrying on with old women of easy virtue; and Gaynelle, Peaches, and Jimmie Wyvette behaving like street trash is reprehensible. I’m pulling this family up, come hell or high water! Now, I’m on my way to meet with the elders. Wait! My glasses. (Turns around and searches. Aubrey pulls the boxers out of the trash and slips them into LaMerle’s purse.) Right here on my head! (Grabs purse.) Far be it from me to be vain, but the elders are gonna be some kind of surprised when they see what I’ve got in here. (Pats purse and exits stage left.) AUBREY. They certainly will!(Cackles happily and pulls a flask from his pocket.) But not half as surprised as you’re gonna be! (Lifts his flask in a toast, drinks, and cackles again. Blackout.)

14 Scene 4

Half an hour later. Lights up center stage on the set of Hospitality House. Cee Cee and Jimmie Wyvette are still seated in their chairs.

CEE CEE. Hello again, everybody! During the break, I received a message from Harley, my cameraman, who says Sister Dixie Davenport has dropped by for a surprise visit. So let’s welcome Dixie back to the show! JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Peeved.) Say what?! (Sister Dixie Davenport, evangelist, overly made-up, in a long satin choir robe, and with a sculpted platinum wig sprayed and teased into an astonishing confection, enters from stage left with her right arm behind her back. She strikes a pose in front of Jimmie Wyvette.) DIXIE. (Sugary sweet, slick, and sanctimonious, she speaks into the “camera.”) Thank you, Cee Cee, and let me just say how much I love each and every one of you. (Jimmie Wyvette stands and nudges Dixie aside.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Low.) You got to be on the show yesterday. This ismy day, Miss Camera Hog. DIXIE. (Low, to Jimmie Wyvette.) The Almighty can never get too much airtime! (Then, into the “camera.”) I just wanted to pop in and say what a blessing it is for me to share my weekly insights with you. It’s part of my divine mission that will help me make it to … (Lifts her right arm. On it is a large foam hand with a finger pointing up.) you-know-where! (Phony laugh.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. The top of your hair?(Chuckles at her own humor.) DIXIE. (Phony laugh.) Aren’t you just the funniest thing! (Pokes her “playfully” with the finger. Jimmie Wyvette recoils.) CEE CEE. Well, since you’re here, Sister Dixie, how about putting in a good word for the success of the upcoming Sweetgum High Reunion. DIXIE. Certainly! ’Cause our viewers are … (Pumps foam finger up and down.) Number One with me! (Phony laugh.) I’ve got a good prayer for —

15 JIMMIE WYVETTE. No need. My cousins and I have it all under control. DIXIE. (Through a smile, her patience frays.) Well, I imagine that women such as yourself need all the prayers they can get. I mean … (Points foam finger at Jimmie Wyvette.) it wouldn’t kill you to look into a mirror every once in a while. Don’t forget (Points the finger.) God’s a big fan of pretty! JIMMIE WYVETTE. Lady, I got no time for your holier-than-thou attitude. So quit pointin’ that finger at me or you’re gonna be spittin’ foam, okay? CEE CEE. (Covers.) I think it’s time to remind you both that this show’s going out live to dozens of homes across the tri-county area! DIXIE. Know what? Some of us are here to glorify a higher power, not ourselves. I encourage you to remember … (Pokes Jimmie Wyvette with the finger.) “pride-goeth-before-the-fall.” JIMMIE WYVETTE. And I encourage you to call the E.R. and maketh a reservation! (Wrenches the foam hand off of Dixie, whips her with it, and chases her around the chairs. She and Dixie wrestle, fighting like cats.) CEE CEE. (To the “camera.”) Well, that wraps up another hour of gracious living right here on Hospitality House. Now, get out there and enjoy this beautiful day in Sweetgum, the little town known for big acts of love and kindness … (Jimmie Wyvette hauls Dixie across the stage in a headlock.) DIXIE. (Screams.) Not the wig! Not the wig! CEE CEE. (Back into the “camera,” smiling.) Most of the time. (Blackout.)

16 Scene 5

Four days later. Lights come up on the Verdeens’ wedding boutique. An attractive sign reading “Wide Bride” is on the upstage wall, above a door to a dressing/storage room. A door to the alley is on the stage left wall, and the front door to Main Street is on the stage right wall. A large work-table sits upstage center, with bolts of fabric and a wooden yardstick on it, along with an artificial prototype of a wedding cake. Stage left of the work-table is a mannequin that wears one of Jimmie Wyvette’s custom plus-size bridal creations. Downstage right is a work-station, with a phone and two chairs. Downstage left is a two-seater couch, an upholstered chair, and a side table. The phone rings again and again as Peaches runs in from the upstage door, a wedding veil in her hands.

PEACHES. (Drops veil on work-table, calls.) I’m coming! Hold your water! Hold — (Grabs the receiver. Then, sweetly.)This is Wide Bride, your source for big gowns for big girls on their big, beautiful day … (Flirty.) Hey there, DeVurl! I sure am lookin’ forward to going to the reunion with you Friday night, you handsome devil, you … (Surprised.) What do you mean?! … (Anger rises.) You cannot do this to me, DeVurl McSpadden! Today is Tuesday! How am I supposed to find another date in three days?! … (Furious.) Well, you’ve always known that I’m a mortuarial cosmetologist and I only do it part-time now that I’m workin’ here with my cousins … (Seethes.) It offends your finer sensibilities?! Know what, DeVurl? That’s a steamin’ pile! You’re just not man enough to go out with a woman who can stare death in the face and put lipstick on it! I won’t forget this, so don’t come whining to me next time a dog-faced McSpadden needs to be tarted up for roll-call at the Pearly Gates! (Slams down the phone. Frazzled.) Am I the only woman in McTwayne County with man problems?! (Ennis Crowder Puckett, blunt and no-nonsense, carrying a large purse, enters from the stage right door with her sister, Della Crowder, a feisty, sweet-faced little old lady, who carries a sewing bag filled with knitting and needles.) ENNIS. Alright, Peaches, where’s that lust-crazed uncle of yours?

17 DELLA. See, there’s a little matter we need to set him straight on … before Ennis does something to him that we’ll both be sorry for. PEACHES. Oh. Well, I’m sorry, Miss Ennis, Miss Della, he hasn’t dropped by this morning. But you’re welcome to wait for him … unless there’s the chance violence might break out. ENNIS. We’ll wait, but no promises. (Goes to the downstage right table, pulls spray disinfectant and a cloth from her purse, cleans the chair’s seat, and sits. Della starts to sit.) Hold it, Della! You never know what kind of filth folks drag into a public place.(Sprays and wipes Della’s chair.) Sit! DELLA. (Sits, pulls out needles and yarn and knits. Sweetly.) My, what a lovely bridal boutique. If I was a porker in love, you’d certainly have my business! (Aubrey enters from the stage right door.) AUBREY. (Delighted.) Well, looka here at this room full of gorgeous! Must be my lucky day! Not one Crowder sister, but two! Welcome to — ENNIS. Save it, Gigolo! DELLA. We got your note asking us to be your double date to the reunion and, although it’s flattering and all, we’ve come to tell you — ENNIS. To hit the cold shower, Buster. Once we heard Mama Doll Hargis dumped you, we figured you’d come rootin’ around. But we’re not interested, never will be! You’ve been a hound-dog skirt-chaser ever since high school and you haven’t changed a bit. DELLA. And since you were an upperclassman, it’s with all due respect that we want to make it clear you’re not gettin’ anywhere near our goodies. AUBREY. Ladies, I meant no harm. (Bows low.) I beg your pardon. (Beat.) And now I also beg one of you to help me stand back up. ENNIS. Nothin’ doin’. (Starts for the stage right door.) There’s not enough disinfectant in the world that could get me to touch you, Lover Boy. Come on, Sister! (Exits the stage right door. Della follows.) PEACHES. (Helps Aubrey up.) Well, I guess it’s good to know where you stand with them. AUBREY. It sure is! (Delighted.) And how I love a challenge! PEACHES. You’ve got to be kidding! Those two are serious, Uncle Aubrey. It could be dangerous to chase either one of those women! AUBREY. It might’ve been in the old days, but once I hit ninety, I threw caution to the wind. That’s why I eat enchiladas after seven p.m., drink Ensure with a bourbon chaser, and go all the way on the first date … ’cause at my age, there may not be a second one. Carpe diem, Baby!

18 (Exits the stage left door just as Jimmie Wyvette runs in from the stage right door.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Excited.) Oh man, y’all aren’t gonna believe this! Where’s Gaynelle? PEACHES. She’s at Sumner’s funeral. JIMMIE WYVETTE. After all Sumner did to her? What’s she doin’ there? PEACHES. Making sure he’s really dead. Anyway, it’ll give her closure. (Pointedly.) And unlike some people who’ve disgraced the family on live TV, Gaynelle won’t do anything in public that we’ll never be able to live down. (Gaynelle enters from the stage right door in a low-cut, sexy red dress with matching hat, purse, and shoes.) GAYNELLE. Guess who just put the fun back in “funeral”?! PEACHES. (To Jimmie Wyvette.) ’Course I could be wrong about that. JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Horrified.)Gaynelle Verdeen Bodeen Verdeen, swear to us you didn’t just wear that get-up to Sumner’s service! GAYNELLE. Huh … guess I did. (Pulls a can of whipped cream from her purse.) I know I reached into the closet for my black dress, but I started getting mad and everything after that’s kind of a blur. Next thing I knew, the preacher was saying my tap dancin’ was interfering with the eulogy, would I please get down off the casket. (Takes a hit of cream.) PEACHES. Gaynelle, I thought you were off that stuff. GAYNELLE. Well, I’m back on it now! This whipped cream’s a comfort to me, alright? After Sumner dumped me and ruined my life, I thought seein’ him cold and dead in a box would rocket me to the moon, but it was a closed-casket service. This is all I’ve got to lift my spirits. (Takes another hit.) PEACHES. I’d think the fact that there was only one puny floral spray in the chapel would’ve given you a little boost. GAYNELLE. How do you know that about the flowers? You weren’t there. PEACHES. (Covers.) Oh. I … just assumed it, since Sumner burned all his bridges here in Sweetgum. And after the hell he put you through, nobody will fault you for what you did today. At least you didn’t do it on live TV. JIMMIE WYVETTE. Hold it! She gets a pass for her bad behavior but I have to keep takin’ it in the shorts just because I snatched off a televan- gelist’s wig and stomped it dead like a roach?! Gimme some of that! (Grabs the can and takes a hit of cream.) Wow! This does make me feel better.

19 GAYNELLE. Preachin’ to the choir, Cousin. (Retrieves the can.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. Okay, y’all listen, ’cause this is big! I’ve got some news that’s gonna make us all feel better. You’re just gonna fall out. I — PEACHES. Thentell us. Spill it! JIMMIE WYVETTE. I’m tryin’! See, with all the lap band surgeries and weight loss clubs and women worryin’ about their hearts and all that foolishness, there’s a dwindlin’ number of your plus-sized brides headed down the aisle. Truth is, we’ve married off most of the heftier gals in this part of Texas. So I’ve been workin’ the books, tryin’ to keep our doors open but, honestly, Wide Bride’s runnin’ on fumes. GAYNELLE. Wait! We knew the bookings had fallen off, but we had no idea it had gotten this bad! Why did you keep it from us?! JIMMIE WYVETTE. Because y’all invested everything you had to make a success of this business. You trusted me and I’ll be danged if I let you down! That’s why I’m so excited that the plan I put into motion is working out. See, this morning I — (Sheriff Grover Lout, beleaguered good ol’ boy in full uniform, barrels through the stage right door.) GROVER. (Incredulous.) Jimmie Wy, I clocked you goin’ sixty miles per hour in a twenty mile zone. And you blew through every single stop sign! JIMMIE WYVETTE. Not now, Grover! I’m tryin’ to tell my cousins a very important story and — GROVER. And I’m tryin’ to say you’ve become Sweetgum’s number one menace to public safety! How did you not hear my siren?! JIMMIE WYVETTE. Can you back off this siren and stop sign fixation?(To the others.) Anyway, this morning, I — GROVER. So you can’t quit speedin’ and you can’t quit talkin’. Well, looka here! (Pulls out a pencil.) I can’t quit writin’ you up a big, fat ticket! (Frustrated, Jimmie Wyvette grabs the yardstick off the work-table and brandishes it.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. I am gonna tell this story — or else! GROVER. You do realize I’ve got a gun, right? JIMMIE WYVETTE. Yeah, but everyone in town knows what a lousy shot you are, Grover Lout. On the other hand, (Slaps the yardstick loudly against the work-table.) I know how to make a yardstick sing! GROVER. (Steps back.) Uh … proceed. JIMMIE WYVETTE. That’s more like it.(To her cousins.) Now, I figured the only way to save our business was to diversify. That’s

20 why I agreed to do the reunion, so we could impress folks with our party-planning talents. Well, something just now happened that has ratcheted up our possibilities big time! And it is nothing but fate, man! I’m telling you, F-A-I-T! PEACHES. Could you just cut to the chase? GAYNELLE. Yeah, you’re really beatin’ this story to death. GROVER. And you spelled “fate” wrong. JIMMIE WYVETTE. No one in Texas gives a cat hair about spellin’, okay?! Anyway, the Reunion Committee just told me they’re giving the Distinguished Alumni Award to none other than Ms. Tanzie Lockhart. GAYNELLE. Makes perfect sense. Tanzie’s done everything — and everybody — on capitol hill in Austin. PEACHES. Yep, ol’ Tanzie’s clawed her way up to the bottom of the middle and is now the assistant to the governor. JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Annoyed, brandishing the yardstick.) Who’s telling this story?! Tanzie — the woman who’s organizing the governor’s sixtieth birthday bash — will be here Friday night. Get it?! If she likes what she sees, the governor’s birthday-palooza could be ours! Girls, we get Tanzie to hire us, we’ll make the leap from big-gal weddings to being the hottest new party planners in the Lone Star State! PEACHES. You are a genius! But let’s kick in some more from the account for the party and put the cherry on the puddin’. We’ll blow Tanzie away! JIMMIE WYVETTE. I knew you’d love the idea! But here’s the deal — with everything we’ve already put into this reunion, our account is … uh … right at zero. (Grover lets out a low whistle.) GAYNELLE. Hold on! You’re saying everything we’ve got is riding on this party and if the plan doesn’t work, the three of us will be living under the overpass in a refrigerator box? JIMMIE WYVETTE. No! It’s not that bad. I mean, surely we could each have our own box. GAYNELLE. (Grabs the yardstick and gives it to Peaches.) Whack me in the head! Knock me out! I can’t hear any more! JIMMIE WYVETTE. Girls, I’m not gonna sugar-coat it. It’s the last inning, our final at-bat, and since we’ve got nothing left to lose, I say let’s swing for the fences. If we hit a home run, we save our business and our dream of working together. Then nobody can say bad news is the only thing that walks through our door. (LaMerle enters from the stage right door, dressed in black.)

21 LaMERLE. Why am I not surprised you’re all just standing around, jaw-jacking with the do-nothing sheriff? PEACHES. Well, that didn’t last long. (LaMerle spies Gaynelle.) LaMERLE. Ah, there’s the widow in red, pride of the Verdeens, whose idea of a proper send-off for her husband was dirty dancing on his casket. GAYNELLE. Grover, can I borrow your gun a minute? I’ll give it right back … minus a bullet or two. (Reaches for the gun.) GROVER. (Stops her.) I think we’d all be safer if I handle the firearms. LaMERLE. Well, I think we’d all be safer if you were out on the street, doing your job. Four days ago, Aubrey pulled a stunt that cost me my deaconship and I haven’t seen the old goat since. Now you go find him, make sure he’s safe … so I can wring that man’s scrawny neck! GROVER. Has it crossed your mind he might be hiding from you? LaMERLE. Tough! I just found out from the Reunion Committee there’s going to be a photo-op of all surviving Guacamole Queens and their homecoming escorts. Aubrey was mine! It’ll take from now ’til then to make him presentable. GAYNELLE. Wait, nobody told me! I was a Guacamole Queen, too. LaMERLE. In light of your recent shameless behavior, they were probably afraid you’d show up ready to do a pole dance. PEACHES. Just so you know, Aunt LaMerle, if there is a photo of all the Guacamole Queens, Gaynelle will be in it. LaMERLE. Then she better keep her distance. I don’t want to be frozen in time with the Madwoman of Sweetgum anywhere near me. Okay, Grover, hit the bricks, find Aubrey, and let me see my tax dollars at work for once! (She and Grover exit the stage right door.) GAYNELLE. Oh, I am definitely wearing tap shoes to her funeral! But right now, I’m going to go warn Aubrey and tell him to lay low. (Takes a hit of cream, plops the can on the upstage work-table, and runs out the stage left door.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Calls after her.) Hurry back, we’ve got a lot to do! (Then, to Peaches.) We’ve got to up our game. Let’s hustle into that storeroom, see what else we have to work with. (Hurries out the upstage door.) PEACHES. (Calling after Jimmie Wyvette.) Since we have no choice, I guess I’m in! (Starts for the upstage door.) Besides, it’s not like I have a date to the reunion to distract me. So, let’s stay focused — all business, no men! (Dewey Davenport, good-looking, nice guy with a

22 puffy, over-styled pompadour, sticks his head in from the stage right door.) DEWEY. Hello! May I come in? PEACHES. (Whips around and shouts involuntarily.) You’re mine! (Gets a grip.) I mean, you’re … more than welcome to come in. Yeah, that’s what I meant. (Dewey enters.) DEWEY. This was the old Ben Franklin’s Variety, wasn’t it? PEACHES. Years ago. (Flirting.) But you’re far too young to remember that. DEWEY. Of course I’m not. We’re the same age, Portia Louise! PEACHES. Do we know each other? DEWEY. Yeah, I was in your class but left right before graduation. I was a nerdy kid, you probably don’t remember me. But I sure remember you. You look great! You married Rex Belrose, right? PEACHES. I did. But Rex is … no longer with us. But, hey, life happens, right? (Eyes Dewey appreciatively.) So, what have you been doing all these years that have left you lookin’ so fine with so much hair and all? DEWEY. Sales, mostly. Now I’m selling life insurance, before that used cars, before that I tried my hand preaching at revivals around the country. PEACHES. Which is a whole different kind of sales, isn’t it?(They share a laugh.) I guess you’re here for the reunion. DEWEY. Yeah! Wouldn’t miss it. I can’t wait to see everyone! PEACHES. I’m thinking a fine-looking man like you already has a date. DEWEY. Matter of fact, I don’t. See, I came with a buddy of mine. We’ve sort of turned it into a guys’ getaway. PEACHES. (Super-flirt.)Well, if it wouldn’t intrude on your manly man-time, how about we all go together? I mean, I sure wouldn’t mind showing up at the party with a handsome fella on each arm. DEWEY. (Interested.) Sounds good to me. But I really should run this by him. He’s just outside. And I oughta tell you, he’s a little on the short side. PEACHES. Oh, I’ve never discriminated against the vertically challenged. I always say, hearts come in all sizes. DEWEY. I’m sure he’d love to go out with a beautiful lady like you. (Jimmie Wyvette enters from the upstage door with decorations, goes to the work-table, and eyes Dewey.) I’ll bring him in to meet you. (Exits the stage right door.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Urgent.) Do you know who that is?

23 PEACHES. Not yet. He says he went to high school with us but I don’t remember him. Luckily, he and a friend may take me to the reunion. JIMMIE WYVETTE. No, no, no! That is Dewey Davenport. You’ve got to remember him: the weirdo everybody hated. He was booed offstage at the school talent show. That’s why he moved away. PEACHES. That must’ve been when I was out with mono. JIMMIE WYVETTE. You were always out with mono. Anyway, trust me, his whole family’s crazy. His aunt is Dixie Davenport, the nut I beat up on TV! This is not going to turn out well. PEACHES. You can be as negative as you want, but some of us do improve with age. Dewey seems very nice and I’m going for it. Maybe my luck with men is finally changing. (Dewey steps partially inside the stage right door.) DEWEY. Ready to meet Obediah, my best friend in the world? PEACHES. Sure am! (Dewey pulls in his right hand. On it is an oversized hand puppet with human features and very large eyes. Dewey speaks for Obediah with hyper-jazzed intensity.) OBEDIAH. Wow! Sign me up for a hot date with that broad! Nice pair of chimichangas! Woo-hoo! (Obediah pants and ogles Peaches.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. I agree, your luck with men has changed. It just hit rock-bottom. (Peaches grabs the whipped cream and takes a hit. Blackout.)

24 Scene 6

Afternoon, two days later. Lights up on Wide Bride. A large banner that reads “Reunion Headquarters” hangs high on the upstage center wall. Peaches and Cee Cee feverishly wrap flatware in napkins and stack them in a box.

CEE CEE. We’ve been at this for hours. You want a piece of that chess pie I brought over? (Crosses to the downstage left side table and cuts a slice of pie.) PEACHES. I can’t. I’m still hoping to squeeze into my dress for the party. CEE CEE. More power to you. But I’ve got this serious condition that prevents me from dieting. It’s called being hungry! (Takes a big bite and savors it.) I have to say, in the last two days y’all have worked a miracle! With the lights and all the decorations, the gym looks gorgeous. PEACHES. ’Course it would’ve all been for nothing if Jimmy Wy hadn’t gotten the guys to stop wiring the school for demolition until after the reunion. We want the party to be a success, but not that kind of blowout. CEE CEE. Well, I’m happy to lend a hand in your time of need. Oh, and I did find someone to help me out with the buffet. He’s the one guy in McTwayne County who’s a genius at food service. PEACHES. Great! We can always use a genius! (Raynerd Chisum, uncomplicated and child-like, enters from the stage right door in an ear-flap cap and overalls, pulling a little red wagon.) RAYNERD. Hey, Miz Cee Cee, look at me. I took that big ol’ coffee urn over to the gym like you said and see who I found on my way back? It’s my best friend in the world, Doodle Grizzard. He’s here to help out. (Turns to his right, smiles at absolutely nothing.) PEACHES. (Leans in to Cee Cee, low.) Please tell me you don’t see someone standing there with him either. (Cee Cee pats her reassuringly.) RAYNERD. Doodle, this is Miz Peaches. Miz Peaches, Doodle. And this is Miz Cee Cee. Next to Uncle Crackpot from Channel Five Cartoon Hour, Miz Cee Cee’s my second-favorite television star I ever met!

25 CEE CEE. Okay, boys, let’s hit the road. We’ve got to head over to the garden club. The Dirt Daubers insisted on donating two bushels of turnips for the party. (To Peaches, tongue-in-cheek.) And nothing says “elegant buffet dinner” like a pot full of boiled turnips.(Exits the stage left door.) RAYNERD. (Heads for the stage left door with his wagon, calling.) Okie-doke, Miz Cee Cee. But no turnips for Doodle — gives him gas something awful. (Stops.) Ooh, I just love reunions! (Exits.) PEACHES. (Shakes her head.) First talking puppets, now invisible people. It just gets crazier and crazier around here. (The phone rings. She answers it as Gaynelle races in the stage right door.) Wide Bride, can I — (Screams.) Why are you doing this?! Stop calling! (Slams the phone down.) GAYNELLE. If you don’t want Girl Scout cookies, just tell ’em. PEACHES. It’s not them! For the last few days some woman’s been calling and saying, “I know what you did.” This is all about Rex, I’m sure of it now! Whoever it is knows I faked his death to save him from that loan shark, and now she’s harassing me! GAYNELLE. On the other hand, it could be any ticked-off female in the county whose husband or boyfriend’s come within twenty feet of you. PEACHES. Cold comfort, Gaynelle. But still I’m glad you’re here. Jimmie Wy’s at the gym testing out the last string of lights and I need you to — GAYNELLE. I don’t have time for that! I just heard the most wonderful news! The Reunion Committee’s asked a secret group of three people to select the Now and Forever Guacamole Queen. Only former Queens are eligible. Just think! She’ll be the Queen of Queens, Grand Pooh-bah of the Eternal Guacamole Court, Empress of the Avocado Universe! PEACHES. Okay, I think I’m clear on the concept now. GAYNELLE. When I was crowned Queen senior year, it was the happiest time of my life. But then I fell for Sumner and it all went right down the toilet. This reunion happening at the very same time he died is a sign! Don’t you see? To be Queen again would give me the confidence to make a fresh start. This could be my do-over! I have to be chosen! Isn’t that what we’re always saying, that we Verdeens should never give up ’til we get what we want? (Aubrey enters from the stage door with his oxygen tank and a huge ball of brightly colored yarn. A strand of yarn stretches out the door.)

26 AUBREY. Ooh-wee! I’ve done learnt how to knit! And looka here! (Quickly reels in Della, who’s wrapped in the yarn and giggling, and flirts as she enters.)I’ve stitched me up a dream come true! DELLA. (Off the cousins’ surprise.)The handsome dog finally wore me down! Now, we’re not going to tell Ennis about this, the poor dear. She just has to learn that I am going to live my life. I’ve got to be free, I’ve got to be me! I am woman, hear me roar! (Tries to roar, but wheezes. Aubrey pounds her back and she quickly recovers.) And besides, Ennis will cut my heart out with a meat cleaver if she gets wind of this. Got it? AUBREY. My lips are sealed, Sweet Cheeks! (Starts to go in for a kiss. Peaches pulls him aside as Della works to get out of the yarn.) PEACHES. Are you crazy?! She’s not kidding! Ennis is fierce! GAYNELLE. (Joins them.) She’s right. Why don’t you try something a little less dangerous? (Della has worked the yarn up to her neck, and she chokes. Gaynelle rushes to help.) PEACHES. Yeah, help us with the reunion. It’ll be fun, getting to see old friends! In fact, I heard your buddy Cody Fussel’s planning to come. AUBREY. No kiddin’! I haven’t seen Cody since we got whupped at the Alamo! You know, we’re the last survivors of the first graduatin’ class from old Sweetgum High! Yeah, he and I were closer than mac and cheese. I can’t wait to see him! (Turns slowly to Della.) But Fussel’s gonna have to knit him up his own date for the party (Lunges for her, and she squeals.) and keep his hands off my devil woman. (Chases her out the upstage door.) PEACHES. One thing you have to admire about Aubrey, he keeps life interesting. You never know what’s going to happen next. GAYNELLE. Yeah, it’s kinda like having a pet monkey with a hand grenade. (Then.)I know we have a lot to do, but right now I have to hit the streets. I have no clue who’s on the secret selection committee, so I’ve got a lot of butts to kiss. (Exits the stage right door. The phone rings. Peaches stares at it, crosses, and hesitantly lifts the receiver.) PEACHES. Wide Bride. How can I — (Listens, screams, and slams down the phone.) No, no, no! I’m not taking this! (Throws herself onto the couch, lies back.) I will not let weird things keep happening to me! (Unseen by Peaches, Obediah slowly rises from behind the couch, leans over, and ogles her. She sees him and screams. Obediah screams. Dewey pops his head above the couch. She screams, and Dewey screams.) What are you doing here?!

27 DEWEY. Obediah thought we should check in on you. OBEDIAH. (Nonstop.) Yeah! Couldn’t stay away. Bet you missed us, didn’t you, Babe? That’s it, you missed us. Hang on, we brought you something. (Disappears behind couch and immediately pops up with a can.) PEACHES. A beer? OBEDIAH. Oops, that’s for me. Hang on. Don’t go anywhere. (Takes the can, disappears behind couch, and immediately pops up with a flower. Peaches takes it.)See! Nice, huh? Chicks dig flowers. You like ’em, right? Oh, yeah! What’re you wearing tomorrow night? We’re both wearin’ blue. And you’re only dancin’ with us, don’t forget, just the two of us. And after the party we’ll — PEACHES. (Rattled.) Wait! I … I don’t know if I’m wearing any- thing! OBEDIAH. Even better! And don’t tease, ’cause I could really get into that. DEWEY. (Pleasant, to Peaches.) Hey, this is great! You two hitting it off like this!(Rises, comes around, sits on couch. To Obediah.) Wow! You’re really excited about our date to the reunion, aren’t you, Buddy? OBEDIAH. Hey, who wouldn’t be, with a broad who’s built like that? PEACHES. Well … about the date, I — (Reynerd races in from the stage left door.) RAYNERD. Miz Cee Cee says we can drop off the box of utensils at the — (Sees Obediah and stops in his tracks, thinks the puppet is a person.) OBEDIAH. (To Raynerd.) Hey, nice lid, Goober. RAYNERD. (Freaked.) Uh … thank you Little Mister Short Person. (Low.) Miz Peaches, is that a leprechaun? I never seen one before. Do they bite? PEACHES. (Gets the box and hustles Raynerd to the door.) I hope not. But I got a tetanus shot last year. I’m covered. Here, run this out to Cee Cee, Hon. RAYNERD. Okay, but I’m comin’ back to look at that leprechaun some more. (Eyes riveted on Obediah, he takes the box and exits the stage left door.) OBEDIAH. Hey, Gorgeous, if that fairly unusual lookin’ guy’s sniffin’ around here tryin’ to get you to go to the reunion with him, just remember you’re ours. Got it? Ours. You’re with us. Don’t forget. PEACHES. Well, about tomorrow night —

28 DEWEY. Obediah, could you give me a minute with Peaches? OBEDIAH. Uh … sure. It’ll give me a chance to finish off my beer. DEWEY. (Drapes his arm with Obediah on it behind the couch. Then, sincere.)Listen, Peaches, I really hope you’re going to go through with this date, because Obediah’s never let me down. I owe him. When things were tough at home while I was growing up, Obediah was there for me. When I was the kid everybody in school hated, he was my rock. I’m the man I am today because of that guy. He’s my friend, my confidant, he’s my right arm. PEACHES. That’s … fairly obvious. DEWEY. He hasn’t had a date in ages. He deserves a good time. Don’t back out. Please! I’m begging you to — (Just then, there’s a loud, earth-shattering BOOM! offstage.) OBEDIAH. (Rises up, screams.) INCOMING!!! (Peaches grabs Dewey in fear as Gaynelle races in from the stage right door.) GAYNELLE. What the heck was that?! I’d just started brown-nosin’ over at the post office when the far end of the block blew up! DEWEY. Oh my gosh! My rental car’s parked down there and I didn’t buy the extra coverage! We’ve gotta go! OBEDIAH. No way, Pal. I’m stayin’ here to protect the womenfolk! DEWEY. You’ve got to come. I may need a hand. OBEDIAH. Ha! Welcome to my world! (Dewey and Obediah race out the stage right door.) GAYNELLE. Still carrying on with the wacko and his creepy little doll?! PEACHES. So what?! Aren’t we facing a lot worse things than that right now?! (LaMerle storms in from the stage right door covered in dust and twigs.) LaMERLE. Okay, what have you three done this time? I was out- side when the explosion happened and I know y’all are behind it! Don’t try acting innocent, ’cause when things go wrong in this town it’s usually your fault! GAYNELLE. How dare you talk to us like that! I’ll have you know none of us was anywhere near that explosion. (Jimmie Wyvette, in shock, staggers in from the stage right door with a basketball hoop and net around her neck. Her hair is singed and stands out straight from her head, her clothes are torn and scorched, and her face is smudged with soot.) Oh my God, are you alright, Jimmie Wy? JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Dazed.) Ka-boom. (Frightened, Peaches and Gaynelle run to her and check her over.)

29 PEACHES. Tell us you’re okay, Jimmie Wy! Say something! JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Still in shock.) Ka-boom. GAYNELLE. Uh-oh. Something’s wrong. She’s not acting right. LaMERLE. Appears to be her usual old dull self to me. JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Bleary.) I … I was about to hang the last string of lights in the gym, but I wanted to make sure they worked first, so I found the only empty outlet, plugged ’em in, and — GAYNELLE, PEACHES, and JIMMIE WYVETTE. Ka-boom. JIMMIE WYVETTE. I don’t know if they didn’t get the wirin’ unhooked or if I overloaded the circuits, but I was blown clean out into the parkin’ lot, and all our decorations, Cee Cee’s catering equipment, everything’s gone. GAYNELLE. Look, no matter how bad it is, we can fix it. JIMMIE WYVETTE. You’re not listenin’! The. Gym. Is.Gone ! It’s just a scorched pile of rubble in a burnt-out weed patch now. There’s nothin’ left! LaMERLE. So the Curse of the Verdeen Cousins strikes again! Now hear this! You three pull it together and get this reunion back up and running — See, I am going to be named the Now and Forever Guacamole Queen. Then I’ll ride that wave of popularity into getting myself elected mayor. I will finally get the respect I deserve in this town. And the three of you aren’t ruining this for me the way you’ve ruined everything else. GAYNELLE. You are not going to be named Guacamole Queen, I am! LaMERLE. Hogwash! If I lost to you, I’d have to crawl off and live in a cave … or move to Fayro, which would be about the same thing. PEACHES. Don’t get our hopes up, LaMerle. You’d never do that. LaMERLE. Yeah? (Offers her hand.) Winner takes all, loser moves on. GAYNELLE. (Grabs LaMerle’s hand and shakes.) Start packin’, Toots. PEACHES. Gaynelle, no! What are you doing? GAYNELLE. Exactly what Jimmie Wyvette said we should do. I’m swinging for the fences! JIMMIE WYVETTE. Have you all lost your minds?! We’re in big trouble! We’ve got a massive party to throw tomorrow night and this … (Indicates the basketball hoop around her neck.) is all that’s left of the venue! (Grover hustles in the stage right door and points at Jimmie Wyvette.) GROVER. I knew it! I knew you were behind that explosion! Travis Ponder swore it was caused by Kajur Langley’s frackin’, but I

30 knew it was you! I — (Just then, an earthquake hits with a loud rumble. Things crash offstage and everyone shakes violently, staggers, screams, and tries to find something to hold on to. The earthquake stops.) Okay, now that was Kajur’s fault, the greedy half-wit. LaMERLE. An earthquake?! In McTwayne County?! The preacher at A.S.S. is right: The endis nigh! Repent, ye heathens and sexual deviants! PEACHES. Give it a rest, LaMerle! We’re fresh out of heathens and sexual deviants around here, okay? (Aubrey and Della stagger in from the upstage door, their clothes disheveled.) AUBREY. (Turning to Della.) Baby, your smooch had some kinda kick! If the earth moves like that when you kiss a fella, what happens when things really heat up?! DELLA. (Bewildered but excited.) Beats me! Hey, let’s find out, Tiger! (Pulls Aubrey out the upstage door.) LaMERLE. (Gasps, clutches her heart, and rails.) Harlots and heretics, whose sins be as scarlet, prepare to embrace thy doom! (Gaynelle hurries to Grover.) GAYNELLE. If you don’t shoot her … (Grabs Grover’s gun.) I will! GROVER. Not again!! (Struggles with Gaynelle for the gun and gets it back.) LaMERLE. I refuse to meet the saints in this den of iniquity! (To Grover.) Out of my way, Bonehead! (Catches herself. Sweetly.) Un- less, of course, you’re on the secret selection committee, in which case, that mud-colored uniform goes so well with your eyes. Vote for me for Queen! (Exits.) GROVER. (To the others.) If you mean evil queen, you’ve got my vote. (The phone rings. Peaches glares at it angrily.) PEACHES. If I’ve survived an explosion, an earthquake, and God’s Little Pit Bull, I am not putting up with this harrassment! (Grabs the phone. Into receiver.) Listen to me, you lily-livered freak, I’m not taking any more of your hateful, stupid threats, you can just — (Then, sweet.)Oh? … Well, what a nice surprise. Hang on, Shug. (To Jimmie Wyvette, horrified.) It’s Tanzie Lockhart! She wants to know if she can bring the governor to the reunion! JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Takes the phone. Dazed, into the receiver.) Ka-boom. GAYNELLE. (Grabs the receiver.) Hey, Tanzie, it’s Gaynelle … Yeah, bring him! The more the merrier! This reunion’s going to be great, real classy! But, you know, we’re not going to have it in the

31 gym, we’ve moved it to … the old cafetorium. Cute idea, right? (Raynerd races in from the stage right door.) RAYNERD. (Excited.) Y’all! That earthquake made a giant sinkhole that just swallowed up the old cafetorium! GAYNELLE. (Thinking fast, into the phone.) Did I say cafetorium? I meant … out on Main Street. Yeah, it’s going to be a fabulous street party! PEACHES. Assuming that’s still there. GAYNELLE. (Into receiver.) Yeah, it’ll be fantastic! Don’t you worry, Tanzie, everything’s under control! Bye! (Hangs up.) Holy cow, what the heck are we going to do?! The governor of Texas is coming to Sweetgum! PEACHES. And we’ve got no gym, no cafetorium — GAYNELLE. No equipment, no decorations — GROVER. Did I mention I’m arresting your cousin for blowing up the school? (Cuffs Jimmie Wyvette and marches her toward the stage right door.) PEACHES. And we’re throwing the most important event of our lives tomorrow night and we’ve got nothing left to throw it with! GAYNELLE. And Peaches still has a date with that nasty old hand puppet! JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Turns to the girls.) Ka-boom. (She and Grover exit.) RAYNERD. (Happy.) Ooh, I just love reunions! (Blackout.) End of Act One

32 ACT TWO

Scene 1

The next morning. Lights up downstage center on theHospitality House set. Cee Cee, dressed in a threadbare graduation cap and gown, addresses the “camera.”

CEE CEE. Thank y’all for joining us onHospitality House, where we’re kickin’ off another hour of gracious living with an update from Belita’s End of Time Survival Depot. Belita says she’s got a shipment of biodegradable T.P. and dehydrated chili-mac comin’ in, and if the world’s still turnin’ by Wednesday, sprint on out of your shelters and stock up one last time. Fingers crossed, y’all! Now let me tell you why I’m wearing this old cap and gown … Because the big day is finally here! Come show your school spirit at the last reunion of all classes from Sweetgum High. Now, due to the premature demolition of most of the school, we’re partying under the stars tonight down on Main Street! So come dressed as you were during those happy days at dear old Sweetgum — (Gaynelle races in from stage right. To the “camera.”) GAYNELLE. Gaynelle Verdeen for Guacamole Queen! (Exits stage right.) CEE CEE. (Covers.) Now, that kind of enthusiasm tells us it’s going to be a jam-packed and fun-filled evening for sure! Which is why Harley, my cameraman, and I will be covering the event tonight live! And what would a reunion be without the traditional guacamole eatin’ contest? Everybody loves that one. There will also be a salute to the last two survivors from the very first graduating class, so bring your hankies. And rumor has it there might even be a special guest appearance by not only the Sweetgum High mascot, Bucky the Buccaneer, but also the governor of the great state of Texas! So grab those cameras and come hungry, especially if you like turnips. Oh, and Lurafaye Fulghum, our former lunchroom lady who now resides at the Stairway to Heaven Retirement Village for Semi-

33 Active Seniors, tells us, bursitis permitting, she’ll drop by with a tray of her signature Rice Krispie Treats for dessert. Talk about school spirit! (Unseen by Cee Cee, LaMerle hurries in from stage left with a sign: “Vote for LaMerle” — flips it over — “Or Burn in Hell!” and exits stage right.) And speaking of school spirit, those of you who can, stand up and join me. (Goes into a school yell, with energetic hand gestures and body movement.) Smash ’em in the head, kick ’em in the shin, make ’em walk the plank, see the Buccaneers win! YAY!!!! (Blackout.)

Scene 2

Three-thirty that afternoon. Lights up on Wide Bride in complete disarray: empty boxes, bubble wrap everywhere — debris from a slapped-together reunion party that’s being set up right outside on Main Street. Five small centerpieces are on the work-table in various states of completion. A large, brightly colored papier-mâché cactus sits next to it on the floor, partially decorated with a string of lights. Jimmie Wyvette, overwhelmed and struggling to contain the chaos, paces the floor, a pair of handcuffs dangling from one wrist and a phone in each hand.

JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Into first phone.) … No, you listen, Tula Boyette. We are in the last desperate hours and we’re scraping bottom for this party! I don’t care if it’s pansies or stinkweed, just cram something that looks halfway decent into them hangin’ baskets! We’re countin’ on you Dirt Daubers to make Main Street look like somebody cares, so get the lead out! (Hangs up, barks into second phone.) … I don’t get your problem with the appetizers, Orla! Just put bacon around ’em, stick toothpicks in ’em, and get ’em over here! Even an Aggie with ADD could handle that! Now wrap your wieners and step on it! (Hangs up, grabs a mini bullhorn off the work- table, and checks out of the stage right door. Into bullhorn.) Baby Crumpler, put down that Shiner beer and finish installin’ the dance floor or you’re gonna feel my boot against your backside! (Angrily clicks off the bullhorn.) Mo-ron. Where is good sense when you need it?!

34 (Raynerd hurries in from the stage left door with a large lard bucket.) RAYNERD. Me and Doodle just whipped up this batch of guacamole, Miz Jimmie Wyvette — only four to go! Oh, and I got us a donation for the party. JIMMIE WYVETTE. I really needed to hear that, Raynerd. It warms my heart to know folks are pitchin’ in to help us make this party a big success. RAYNERD. They really are. Miz Reba Koonce said if one of you Verdeens caught on fire, she wouldn’t spit to put you out, but she’d gladly chuck in a dollar to save the reunion. (Hurries out the stage right door.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. Yeah, our preacher’s wife is all heart. (Hustles back to the stage right door, looks out, and grabs the bullhorn. Out the door, angry.) Baby Crumpler, this is your last warning — stop feedin’ those Slim Jims to that pack of dogs! You don’t know what it’ll do to their digestive systems and I’m not cleanin’ it up! (Goes to the cactus, works on the lights. Peaches rushes in from the stage left door in a running suit, frazzled, jumpy, and lugging a huge box.) PEACHES. Jimmie Wy, you are so wound up! And I thought I was tense. JIMMIE WYVETTE. Who wouldn’t be? The Baptists had a conniption fit that folks would be Dancin’ Through the Decades right next to their church. So I’m having to move the dance floor to the far end of Main Street! PEACHES. Well, I’m fried ’cause I just drove over to Tugaloo to pick up the tablecloths from Bronco Betty’s Buffeteria and on the way back I got two more calls from the stalker! It’s always the same thing: “I know what you did!” (Grabs Jimmie Wyvette.) And I know she’s going to blackmail me! Somehow she knows I lied and declared my own husband dead and she’s gonna have me sent to Alcatraz! JIMMIE WYVETTE. Okay, A: Alcatraz is no longer an active prison and B: This is Texas. You’ll most likely end up at Huntsville. PEACHES. (Loses it.) That’s not helping, Jimmie Wy! I can’t take it anymore! I give! (Grabs the bullhorn and runs to the stage right door. Into bullhorn.) I did it! I don’t care who knows! I confess! I — JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Grabs the bullhorn.) You didn’t get Rex declared dead all by yourself, the three of us did it together, remember? So get a grip, unless you want to kill any chance we’ve got of saving our business and put us all on a chain gang!

35 PEACHES. (Snaps out of it.) Hold on! Speaking of jail, how’d you get out?! Why are you here?! And where’s Grover? JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Feigns innocence.) Oh, I’m sure he’s out there … somewhere … ridin’ herd over the criminal element. PEACHES. Wait a minute! (Re: handcuffs.) What do you call that?! JIMMIE WYVETTE. Uh … bracelet shaped like handcuffs. Everyone’s wearin’ ’em. Now, stop fixatin’ on me and get them cloths on the tables and make it quick! (Peaches exits through the stage right door. Calls after her.) We’ve got bigger things to worry about than that! (Aubrey hurries in from the stage left door.) AUBREY. I did it! I pulled it off! I knew I could and I did! Yep, I hesitate to use the word “genius,” but I won’t protest if others do! JIMMIE WYVETTE. What are you carryin’ on about, Uncle Aubrey? AUBREY. I have just struck a blow for super seniors everywhere! Just ’cause a guy’s over ninety doesn’t mean there ain’t still some gas in the tank! I’ve just proved how powerful my sex appeal really is! (Ennis shuffles in as fast as she can, her large purse in hand.) ENNIS. Okay, you wore me down, Handsome! Any feller who brings a gal a bucket of fresh collards by eight in the morning is one macho hombre in my book! (To Jimmie Wyvette.) Even a fine, strong Texas woman such as myself needs a little T.L.C. every half- century or so. AUBREY. Yeah, I figured those collards would finally get to you. Come here, Luscious. (Starts toward her, his arms out for a hug.) ENNIS. Hold on, Animal! (Pulls spray disinfectant and a cloth from her purse, sprays the cloth, and quickly wipes his arms down.) Alright, lay one on me. (He gives her a hug and she pulls away.) Okay, that’s enough! Now listen, Della’s got her a bad jealous streak. She’s liable to turn green with envy and die if she finds out about us. So this here doesn’t leave the room. AUBREY. Anything you say, Honey Bun. ENNIS. Good. And should it slip your mind that I’m your only girl … (Squeezes his oxygen tube, cutting off his air.) this oxygen tank of yours might roll away one mornin’ when you’re not lookin’. (Lets go of the tube.) AUBREY. (Turned on.) Ooh, I do love me a forceful woman! (Pinches her butt and she yelps. He shuffles as fast as he can to the stage left door and slaps his own butt.) Come and get it, Sugar Lips! (Cackles and exits, with Ennis on his heels.) ENNIS. Oh, I’m gonna get it, alright, Feisty Britches! (Exits.)

36 JIMMIE WYVETTE. Feisty Britches?! Oh, man! Not gonna think about that. Not gonna think about that. Dang, now I’m thinkin’ about that. (The phone rings, and she answers.) Wide Bride … (Peaches races in from the stage right door.) Yeah, she’s here. Hold on. (Offers Peaches the phone.) Obediah wants to know if you’ve found something blue to wear tonight … and is it low-cut? PEACHES. (Waves Jimmie Wyvette away.) I am in no mood to talk to him right now! JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Low.) Well, I don’t have time to chew the fat with a horn-dog puppet! (Into the phone.) Listen up, you raunchy little Romeo, Peaches says for you to get here ASAP ’cause she’s got something to tell y’all. (Hangs up.) PEACHES. Well, thank you very much for putting me on the spot. JIMMIE WYVETTE. You are gettin’ rid of this guy now! There’s too much ridin’ on this party for you to embarrass us in front of Tanzie and the governor by showing up with a freak on your arm who has a freak on his arm. Admit it! Dewey is the weirdest thing on two feet. (Gaynelle runs in from the stage right door in an ugly, old floor-length, long-sleeved evening gown two sizes too small, held together with safety pins. She wears gloves and a battered “Guacamole Queen” sash over one shoulder.) Oops, spoke too soon. PEACHES. Gaynelle, what are you wearing?! GAYNELLE. My good-luck gown. I just hauled it down from the attic. I wore it when I was crowned Guacamole Queen. And I’m wearing it today to remind myself, and everyone in town, that once upon a time I was a winner. PEACHES. And once upon a time most of you actually fit into that dress. GAYNELLE. I’m done being a loser. I heard Connie Doherty and Sibby Giddens are making a grab for the crown, but Connie’s a drunk and Sibby’s a tramp, they don’t have a prayer. It’s a two- woman race, just me and LaMerle. And I am the one dressed for success. (Races out the upstage door.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Calls to her.) Please tell me you were not wearin’ that get-up when you went to Fayro to pick up Cody Fussell. GAYNELLE. (Sticks her head in from the upstage door.) I was there on time, but when the Greyhound came in, he wasn’t on it. (Ducks back out.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. What?! Cody is the only other survivor from the first graduatin’ class. Uncle Aubrey’s gonna be so disappointed he didn’t make it.

37 PEACHES. (Goes to the work-table and works on the centerpieces.) He really will. That’s a crying shame. (Gaynelle reenters from the upstage door with a can of whipped cream.) GAYNELLE. It sure is! Instead of chasing after Cody, I could’ve been out kissing butts. I just can’t believe I haven’t found out yet who’s on that secret selection committee! (Takes a hit of cream.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. What’s important now is, we’ve only got three hours ’til show time and we’ve got to focus if we want to impress the governor! GAYNELLE. You’re telling me! I have to get over to Troutner’s Tease ’N’ Tweeze. Leota says she’ll do me for free if I’ll be the first one to try out her new spray-tan machine. I want that healthy glow for Cee Cee’s live coverage of my coronation. PEACHES. (Grabs Gaynelle and shakes her.) You cannot walk out on us! Don’t you understand, there are more people coming than we ever expected. They’re driving in from all over Texas, and we need every woman on deck! GAYNELLE. And I need to remind you that if I don’t win this contest, I’ll lose that bet with LaMerle and I’ll have to leave town. And if that happens, LaMerle will turn on y’all and make your lives a living hell! (Beat.) PEACHES. Then what’re you waiting for? Go get that tan so you can win, win, win! (Pushes Gaynelle out the stage right door.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. Can we really pull this off?! I mean, this reunion’s the biggest thing that’s happened here since Willie Nelson’s band rolled into Sweetgum with a bad case of the munchies and hoovered every box of Little Debbies in town. This party hasgot to be classy for Tanzie Lockhart and our governor! It’s our one chance to change our lives. We have to make sure nothing weird happens. (Hustles out the stage left door, as Grover, bound and gagged with yellow “Do Not Cross” police tape, hops in from the stage right door.) PEACHES. Oh gosh, Grover! (Quickly removes Grover’s gag.) Please tell me I’m not related to the person who did this to you. GROVER. (Rails.) Out of my way! Your cousin is a fugitive on the lam! If Jimmie Wy thinks she can escape the long arm of justice, clearly she doesn’t grasp the extent of my cutting-edge skill and prowess in law enforcement. (Hops out the stage left door after Jimmie Wyvette.) PEACHES. Great! Now we have to impress the governor and get him to pardon Jimmie Wy. (Deep breath, closes her eyes.) Okay, I’m calm. I’m not stressed … (Inhales.) Om … Om.

38 (Dewey enters from the stage right door quietly, with his right hand concealed inside his jacket. He tiptoes up behind Peaches.) DEWEY. (Low.) Hi! (Peaches jumps, startled.) Oh, sorry. You wanted to see me? PEACHES. (Collects herself.) Uh … yeah. We are alone, right? DEWEY. (Low.) Technically. Obediah’s taking his afternoon nap. As long as we keep it down, we should be alright. PEACHES. (Deep breath. Low.) O-kay. Dewey, when you first came in here, you were just so handsome and so nice and had all that hair and … well, I let that sidetrack me. The reality is, this party is very important for my cousins and me, and I’ve got to be totally focused on our work. (Without drawing their attention, Obediah slowly rises up out of Dewey’s coat.) It was selfish of me to make a date for tonight, so I think it would be best if, umm, we all go separately to the party … separately. DEWEY. (Disappointed.) Oh. Well, if that’s how you feel, then — OBEDIAH. (Explodes.) I knew it! I knew she’d do this! (Peaches recoils.) DEWEY. You’ve got it all wrong, Obediah. Peaches just wants to — OBEDIAH. Chicks always mean trouble. Especially drop-dead gorgeous ones like her who’ve got big, beautiful eyes, ruby-red lips, curves in the right places, legs that go all the way up to — DEWEY. Stop it, Obediah! Don’t say that! PEACHES. (Flattered.) Wait! Maybe we should let the puppet talk. OBEDIAH. Don’t you get it?! If she won’t give you another chance, no one in this town is gonna. I knew we shouldn’t come to this reunion! But nooo, you had to come back for one more kick in the teeth. You wanted to show people we made something of ourselves. But guess what? They don’t care! DEWEY. Just calm down, Buddy. OBEDIAH. They laughed at us, booed us off the stage at the talent show, remember?! (Snarls.) People in this town never took us seriously. Well, after tonight, they’ll have to! PEACHES. What are you talking about? OBEDIAH. You’ll see! I knew it would turn out like this. So I’ve got a little entertainment I’ve been planning for months! C’mon, Davenport, we’ve got scores to settle. (“Pulls” Dewey toward the stage right door.) DEWEY. (Grabs Obediah with his other hand.) No! I’m not going to be part of this! (“Pulls” Obediah back toward center stage. Obediah “stops him.”)

39 OBEDIAH. You’re too far in now! You got no choice! (“Pulls” Dewey rapidly out the stage right door. Dewey sticks his head back in.) DEWEY. Hey, Peaches, it was real nice to see — (Obediah reaches in and “yanks” Dewey’s head back out the door. Beat.) PEACHES. You know, all this makes working with dead people so much more appealing. (Blackout.)

Scene 3

It’s seven-thirty that night. In the black, we hear a high school band finishing a high school fight song, applause, laughter, and happy party noises. Then:

CEE CEE. (Voiceover.) Hi, everybody! This is Cee Cee Windham, coming to you in a live simulcast on cable access and radio from the bandstand on Main Street, where the final reunion of all graduating classes of Sweetgum High is in full swing! With me is Tanzie Lockhart, the picture of elegance, who will be honored as our distinguished alumna. And accompanying her is none other than the governor of the state of Texas! So tickled to have you here, Governor. Would you like to say a few words to our audience? MAN. (Voiceover. Garbled, unintelligible.) Blurblah, blug, glug! CEE CEE. (Voiceover.) Well, looks like the governor is enjoying our famous guacamole, so maybe we’ll get those words of wisdom once he’s swallowed some of that down. After we hear from tonight’s sponsor, Ponder’s Bible and Tire Outlet, we’ll go to Harley and his Reunion Cam so you can enjoy the sights and sounds of the festivities. And later, I’ll be here to emcee tonight’s Special Presentations. In the meantime, Go, Buccaneers! (Two hours later. We hear the final strain of the high school fight song as lights come up. Wide Bride is neat and clean. Laughter and music filter in from the party. Cee Cee, in her graduation cap and gown, enters from the stage right door, calling to someone on the street.) CEE CEE. … Yeah, it’s a great turnout, Zelma! You and the girls better hurry down to Dilbeck’s Hardware, they’re taking class pictures! … You bet! This is fun, fun, fun! (Shuts the door, drops the enthusiasm, and races to the stage left door.) Oh, this is bad, bad, bad.

40 (Opens the door.) Okay, the coast is clear. Hurry! (Exits, then immediately struggles in with one end of an unwieldy, filled sleeping bag. A man’s boot pokes out of the end. Raynerd, in a tuxedo tailcoat over his regular clothes, enters, lugging the other end.) RAYNERD. Know what, Miz Cee Cee? Everyone sayin’ what a good time they’re havin’! And other than totin’ around this dead body, I am, too! (They hurry through the upstage door and close it as Della, in an old-fashioned cheerleader outfit with pom-poms, tiptoes in from the stage right door.) DELLA. Yoo-hoo, Lover Lips! (Goes toward the stage left door.) Where are you hidin’? (Giggles.) I’ve got some kisses to cheer you up, you naughty boy! (Exits through the stage left door and closes it behind her. Raynerd enters from the upstage door as Cee Cee sticks her head out, looks around, and nervously checks her watch.) CEE CEE. It’s almost coronation time! Run and tell Harley to set up for the presentation, I’ll be there as soon as I get this body pushed out of sight. I mean, don’t tell him about the body, just say I’m on my way. (Closes door.) RAYNERD. Yes, ma’am, I’m on it! (Aubrey shuffles in from the stage right door in a worn vintage football uniform with shoulder pads and a leather helmet.) Hey, Mr. Aubrey! Aren’t they givin’ you some kind of trophy tonight? AUBREY. Why else would I get all dressed up and bleach my dentures? Say, have you seen a cheerleader, ’bout this tall, nice pair of pom-poms? RAYNERD. Nope. No one’s here, ’cept Miz Cee Cee and that dead body in the back room. I gotta go, bye! (Exits through the stage right door as Aubrey exits through the stage left door. Cee Cee immediately enters from the upstage door and closes it. Peaches runs in from the stage right door with a box of trash bags, wearing high heels, flashy jewelry, and her old orange and white basketball uniform.) PEACHES. Hey, Cee Cee, I — CEE CEE. (Screams.) I didn’t do it! He was like that when he got here! (Gets a grip.) Oh thank heavens, it’s just you! PEACHES. Yeah, and I wish there were two of me! This party’s hoppin’ and I haven’t stopped once in the last two hours! (Looks around.) And Gaynelle’s still not back! How long does it take to spray on a tan?! CEE CEE. (Antsy.) Well, I don’t mean to dampen your spirit, but I’ve got a piece of unsettling news. It’s about Cody Fussel.

41 PEACHES. Oh, I already know he didn’t make it to the reunion. CEE CEE. Uh … technically, he is here. He’s in the back room. PEACHES. Well, let’s get him outside! He’s missing all the fun! CEE CEE. Actually, Cody’s had all the fun he’s ever going to have. He’s dead. I just shoved him behind the bolts of satin next to the sewing machine. PEACHES. What?! You can’t leave a corpse in there! We’re trying to convince Tanzie Lockhart this is a high-class operation and she’s gonna stumble over a dead man in our fitting room?! What’s tack- ier than that?! (She and Cee Cee race out the upstage door, close it. LaMerle enters from the stage right door in a schoolgirl’s outfit — pleated skirt; white blouse with short, puffy sleeves; knee-high socks; saddle oxfords; and a huge bow in her hair.) LaMERLE. Aubrey Verdeen! Come out and escort me to my coronation, you sex fiend!(Aubrey enters from the stage left door with lipstick smeared on his face.) I should’ve expected this! What degenerate carnality have you been up to?! AUBREY. Nothin’! I’ve been a perfect angel, as always. Say, you seen my old buddy Cody Fussel? I got a feelin’ he’s around here somewhere. LaMERLE. I’ve spent the last hour looking for you! Come on! I’ve only got a few minutes left to browbeat and blackmail anyone I’ve missed who may be on the selection committee! I refuse to let Gaynelle win and drive me out of the town where I’ve worked so hard to hold up our family’s name. AUBREY. Horse manukey! You’ve done nothin’ in this town but puff up yourown self, you old crone! Some of us have done a whole lot more than you to contribute to this family’s legacy! (Della pokes her head in from the stage left door, with her makeup smeared and her hair a mess, and without noticing LaMerle.) DELLA. Come on back, Boy Toy! These lips aren’t getting any younger! (Before LaMerle reacts, Ennis, carrying a megaphone and wearing a cheerleader outfit that matches Della’s, enters from the stage right door. She sees only Aubrey.) ENNIS. There you are! I been waiting for you on our bench by Whatley’s Western Wear like we — Hold on! What’re you doing here, Della? AUBREY. Now … uh … I was havin’ a little trouble with my bunions, like I do, and Della’s volunteered here to knit me a … therapeutic sock.

42 LaMERLE. Liar! (To Ennis.) See the lipstick smeared across his face?! That tomcat’s been out back smooching with your very own sister! AUBREY. Dang! You just threw me under the bus, LaMerle! LaMERLE. You think calling me a crone’s gonna go unpunished? Think again, Demon!(Then.) Tear ’im up, girls! (Races out the stage right door. Ennis and Della slowly close in on Aubrey.) AUBREY. Now, ladies, no need to get riled up. I can explain the — (Ennis and Della attack and pummel him.) You know I’m crazy about both of you! DELLA. Well, you can only be crazy about one of us, and that one’s me! ENNIS. No it isn’t! It’s me, Heifer! (She and Della turn and pummel each other with pom-poms. Aubrey breaks free and hurries out the stage left door.) DELLA. Back off, Dog Breath! We can kill each other later. Aubrey’s getting away! (She and Ennis race out the stage left door as Peaches and Cee Cee struggle in from the upstage door with the sleeping bag, move toward the stage left door.) CEE CEE. … No, Cody was on the bus, but he died in the bathroom. The folks in Fayro knew he was coming to the reunion, so they sent him to us. PEACHES. Well, he can’t stay here. We’re taking him out back. (Raynerd enters from the stage right door.) RAYNERD. Miz Peaches?! (Peaches and Cee Cee yelp and jump.) PEACHES. (Screams.) I didn’t kill him! It’s her fault! CEE CEE. So this is the thanks I get for hiding a cadaver for a friend?! RAYNERD. Somebody better get out here ’cause that man with the big hair and his leprechaun are actin’ funny and I think they’re up to no good. Just between us, I never did trust that leprechaun. (Exits through the stage right door.) PEACHES. I am at the end of my rope! I’m dealing with the stress of a party, a stalker, a hand puppet, and a dead body while standing here in my old basketball uniform and a pair of five-inch heels! Honestly, life can’t get more bizarre than this! (Jimmie Wyvette enters from the stage right door, wearing a red bandana on her head; one large hoop earring; an eye patch; a ruffled white shirt with long, puffy sleeves; a black vest with “Bucky” written on the back; a sash at her waist; and black pants tucked into black boots. She carries a plastic sword, and the handcuffs still dangle from her other wrist.)

43 JIMMIE WYVETTE. (With a flourish.)Shiver me timbers and tremble with fear, Bucky the Bucc-a-neer is here! (Then.) Man, the reunion’s goin’ great! The governor’s shakin’ hands, gettin’ votes. Everyone’s dancin’ and takin’ pictures and lovin’ my old mascot outfit and everyone’s happy and(Horrified.) that’s a dead body in a sleepin’ bag, isn’t it?! PEACHES. No. It’s … (Looks to Cee Cee for help.) Uh, actually it’s — CEE CEE. It’s Cody Fussel, he’s dead, and he’s all yours. (Shoves her end of the sleeping bag into Jimmie Wyvette’s hands.) I’ve got a show to do. Sorry to leave you holdin’ the bag. (Races out the stage right door.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. Man, I knew things were going too good. PEACHES. On a positive note, at least Cody was on the petite side. JIMMIE WYVETTE. Stay calm, this has got to be as bad as it gets. At least we’ve seen the worst of it. (Raynerd sticks his head in from the stage right door.) RAYNERD. I just want y’all to know someone — and I’m not sayin’ which leprechaun — poured something in the punch bowl and folks are startin’ to act real dopey, especially the Rotarians. And don’t worry, Miz Jimmie Wyvette, I already know about that dead body. (Exits.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. Remind me to never say “at least we’ve seen the worst of it” ever again! PEACHES. Don’t be ridiculous. Just saying “at least we’ve seen the worst of it” doesn’t actually mean something worse is going to come through the door. (Gaynelle storms in from the stage right door in her formal attire and with her purse, her face and neck a shocking dark orange, with white circles around her eyes.) Oh, Gaynelle, I told you never have a margarita before you do your makeup! GAYNELLE. (Furious.) I have not been drinking! Clearly the one thing Leota Troutner didn’t bother telling me about her new spray- tan machine was that she got it at a steep discount! Anyone want to guess why?! PEACHES. Well … at least orange is one of our school colors. (Gaynelle pulls the whipped cream can from her purse and takes a big hit.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. Aww, don’t do that. Now you look like an Oompa-Loompa with rabies. (She and Peaches set the sleeping bag on the floor.) GAYNELLE. So, what do you suggest I do? Crawl into that sleeping bag?

44 PEACHES. You can’t. Cody Fussel got there first. I told you he was on that Greyhound! He met his Maker in the bathroom somewhere south of Tenaha. GAYNELLE. Well, excuse me for not thinking to look for a dead body in the toilet of a bus! JIMMIE WYVETTE. And orange you glad you didn’t?! (Giddy, she and Peaches break up.) GAYNELLE. Funny. (Sighs.) Well, what’s one more humiliation? We may as well get out there and get on with it. I’m as orange as I’m gonna get and Cody’s as dead as he’ll ever be. At least we’ve seen the worst of it. PEACHES and JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Horrified.) No!/Don’t say that! GAYNELLE. Why shouldn’t I? (LaMerle enters from the stage right door.) LaMERLE. (Looks them over.) Well, if it isn’t Agent Orange, Unibrow the Pirate, and our own Harlot Globetrotter. What time’s the freak show? GAYNELLE. Keep the insults to yourself, Oldie-locks! PEACHES. (High-fives Gaynelle.)Good one! LaMERLE. You’ll need that keen sense of humor, Gaynelle, when I’m Guacamole Queen and you’re loading up your junk to get out of my town. GAYNELLE. (Steps toward her.) Oh, I believe I’ll be the one waving to you as you fly into the sunset on your broomstick!(She and LaMerle slowly circle each other.) LaMERLE. Oh, yeah? Well, you’re the big loser who shames yourself all over town and I’m the matriarch of the finest old family in Sweetgum — excluding you three, of course. GAYNELLE. Nobody gives a dip about that “fine old family” nonsense except you, LaMerle. It’s congeniality and action that count. I’m a shoo-in ’cause I’m sweet and I’ve kissed up to everyone in town who could possibly be on the selection committee this side of Butch Walleford. LaMERLE. Congeniality’s for cowards! It’s force that gets a response; you’ve got to scare people into doing the right thing, and I’ve threatened and tongue-lashed every voting-age citizen (It hits her.) except Butch Walleford. (She and Gaynelle stare each other down; break for the stage right door; struggle, claw, and push; get stuck; then finally burst out the door.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. At least LaMerle didn’t notice Cody. Come

45 on! We’ve got to hide this stiff ’til the party’s over. (She and Peaches pick up the sleeping bag.) We are too close to success to be cheated out of it by death. (She and Peaches struggle toward the stage left door.) And wouldn’t Grover just love to drag me back to jail? All I need is him bargin’ in here and find me totin’ a corpse.(Grover bursts in from the stage right door.) GROVER. I been lookin’ all over for you, Jimmie Wy! (Jimmie Wyvette yelps, and she and Peaches drop the body.) I’ve gotta talk to you. JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Plants herself shoulder-to-shoulder with Peaches, in front of the body.) Well, let ’er rip; Peaches and I have a party to tend to. GROVER. (As he speaks, he rocks from one side to the other to try to get a look at the sleeping bag. Jimmie Wyvette and Peaches rock from side to side in order to block his view.) Jimmie Wy, this is really hard for me — JIMMIE WYVETTE. Just spit it out and get it over with. GROVER. What I’m trying to say is, this whole business with the gym — (Jimmie Wyvette bolts to the other side of him, making him turn his back to the body, and motions for Peaches to get rid of the sleeping bag.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. I told you a thousand times that explosion wasn’t my fault. (Peaches inches over to the sleeping bag, ready to drag it out.) GROVER. Will you stand still and stop interruptin’? I’m trying to — Wait. What is that thing? (Starts to turn his head back to look at the body. Peaches freezes. Jimmie Wyvette immediately turns his head back to face her.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. It’s a sleepin’ bag. Now go on with what you’re sayin’. I’ve gotta get goin’. Talk to me! Talk-to-Bucky! GROVER. No, really, that kinda looks like — (Starts to turn back to the body. Desperate, Jimmie Wyvette turns his face back to her. Then, out of options, she kisses him passionately while keeping an eye on Peaches, who drags the body out the stage left door. Jimmie Wyvette breaks away from Grover, who is stunned and dazed.) Why did you have to go and do that for? JIMMIE WYVETTE. Why? ’Cause I … I’m nutty as a fruitcake. (Louder, aggressive.) Yeah, that’s it! I’m outta my mind! Go ahead and arrest me for anything you want, I’ll get off on an insanity defense! GROVER. You’re not insane, you’re just willful and plain stubborn! And you know what else?! You’re — (Grabs Jimmie Wyvette and

46 kisses her passionately.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Pulls out of the kiss, confused and dazed.) Now, why did you have to go and do that for?! GROVER. I … I don’t know! You’ve given me nothing but trouble for the last thirty years! JIMMIE WYVETTE. Is that so?! Well, you’ve been a pain in my butt for just as long! (Beat. She and Grover grab each other, kissing with mad passion, and ricochet around the room. Aubrey races in from the stage right door.) AUBREY. Sheriff, you’ve gotta help me!(Nothing. Jimmie Wyvette and Grover are oblivious, wildly making out around the room. He follows.) Those lust-crazed Crowder sisters are fightin’ over me, but I’m the one who’s fixin’ to get killed! Got any ideas?(Nothing. Watches them kiss.) You’re absolutely right! I’ll just go out there and convince ’em I’m enough man for both of ’em. Thanks, Sheriff! (Exits through the stage right door. Oblivious, Jimmie Wyvette and Grover pull apart.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Aggressive.) Why didn’t you tell me how you felt?! GROVER. (Shouts.) BECAUSE I’M TOO SHY!! (Grabs Jimmie Wyvette, and they kiss for all they’re worth. Obediah sticks his head in from the stage right door and studies them.) OBEDIAH. Excellent! The time to strike is now! (Laughs ghoulishly and exits. Oblivious, Jimmie Wyvette and Grover pull apart, exhausted. They pant.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. Wait. Did you just say something? GROVER. Heck, no! I can’t speak, I can’t even breathe! Isn’t that great?! JIMMIE WYVETTE. And how! Now, that was worth waiting for. (Raynerd sticks his head in from the stage right door.) RAYNERD. Mr. Grover, it’s getting real tense out there. Every time they play a disco song, the church people form a prayer circle to keep folks off the dance floor. D.J. says you better come quick, it’s the Baptists versus the Bee Gees. And don’t worry, I already know about the dead body. (Exits.) GROVER. What dead body? JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Covers.) Uh … I told Raynerd the only way I’d ever kiss you would be over my dead body. (Weak laugh.) Turns out I was wrong! (Runs her finger down Grover’s arm. Grover quivers.) GROVER. Yeah, well, I was wrong, too. You didn’t blow up the gym. It was Kajur Langley’s danged hydraulic frackin’. (Jimmie Wyvette kisses

47 his neck. His voice rises an octave.) The eggheads at College Station … (Lowers his voice.) say we’ve had hundreds of little tremors lately. That … (Jimmie Wyvette kisses his ear. His knees go weak.) jostled the explosives and set ’em off. (Jimmie Wyvette caresses his chest. He’s jangled.) So I … I tried to find Kajur but he lit out of town. That ol’ boy’s in hot water. (Jimmie Wyvette says nothing.) Jimmie Wy? Did you get all that? JIMMIE WYVETTE. Nope. So … (Suggestively.) maybe you should come back later and … explain it to me some more. GROVER. (Turned on.) Oh I will! I WILL!! (Exits through the stage right door.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Thrilled.)Boy howdy! Never saw that coming. (She dances a jig. Sing-song.) Bucky’s gettin’ lucky, Bucky’s gettin’ lucky, Bucky’s — (Peaches races in from the stage left door, winded.) PEACHES. What on earth do you think you’re doing?! JIMMIE WYVETTE. I’m thinking I finally got me a man! PEACHES. Well, congratulations. Now you have two. But I only got the dead one halfway down the alley. JIMMIE WYVETTE. Dang it! Do I have to do everything?! You stay here and put the next fire out.(Starts for the stage left door. Sing-song, to herself.) Bucky’s gettin’ lucky, Bucky’s gettin’ lucky, Bucky’s — (Exits as Ennis hurries in from the stage right door. Peaches plops on the sofa, exhausted.) ENNIS. Aubrey Verdeen, you two-timin’ liver spot! You can’t hide forever! When I find you, I’m gonna clean your clock, Mister! You just — (Spots Peaches.) Peaches! At last! I been looking for you, too! PEACHES. (Taken aback.) Um, you have? ENNIS. Woman, I’ve called you repeatedly the last three days but you keep hanging up! PEACHES. (Realizes Ennis is the “stalker,” springs to her feet and backs away in horror.) You! You’re the one! The caller! Look, everything I did for Rex Belrose I did for love! What do you want?! Money? Jewelry? Here! (Takes off a bangle bracelet.) Take this! It was ten dollars, I got it on sale for two-fifty! ENNIS. What’re you talking about, fool? I don’t want your tacky jewelry. I just wanted to tell you I know what you did … because I went to the funeral home to spit in the face of that low-life Sumner Bodeen. After he shafted me on a lawsuit years ago, I wasn’t about to let a closed casket stop me from having my revenge. I pried that thing open and there he was … (Laughs.) dolled up in false eyelashes,

48 sparkly earrings, and hooker-red lipstick! PEACHES. Umm, why would you think I had anything to do with that? ENNIS. Because only a skilled professional like you would’ve topped off his makeover with that Lady Bird bouffant wig! (Laughs.) There’s not a woman in this town that rat didn’t mistreat one way or another. And now he’s facing the devil himself, looking like the very thing he never showed a lick of respect for. So, yeah. I know what you did, and I know you did it for Gaynelle. And on behalf of myself and every other woman in McTwayne County, we salute you! (Hugs Peaches as Aubrey shuffles in from the stage left door.) AUBREY. Hide me, Peaches! I’ve got — (Spots Ennis and throws on the brakes.) Uh-oh! Must’ve made a wrong turn! (Heads out the stage left door.) ENNIS. I got you now, Aubrey Verdeen! (Grabs her megaphone and hurries to the stage left door. Back to Peaches.) Just so you know, I’m gonna murder your uncle and my sister, so keep your Eternal Rest makeup kit handy. (Yells through the megaphone.) You better run, you love-thief! (Exits as Jimmie Wyvette races in from the stage right door.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. That’s done! I stuck Cody in a safe place no one will think to look. See? Nothing’s going to derail this party for us. Things are working out! We really have seen the worst of it! (Then, screams are heard from outside: pure terror on the street! She slaps her hand over her mouth.) PEACHES. (Whaps Jimmie Wyvette on the arm.) When will you learn?! (Dewey, dressed in a powder-blue tuxedo and a big velvet bow tie, charges in from the stage right door, deep in an argument with Obediah. Sounds of mayhem on the street continue throughout the following.) DEWEY. I don’t know why I always listen to you! I think we went too far! OBEDIAH. (Rages.) You’re wrong! They all deserve what they got! PEACHES. Dewey, what have you done?! DEWEY. It wasn’t me, it was Obediah! Peaches, I’m sorry! I really think we could’ve had something special! OBEDIAH. (Railing in Dewey’s face.) You and your love life! I’m sick of it, hear me?! It always ruins everything! I’ve had it with you! (“Grabs” Dewey by the throat and “chokes” him.) DEWEY. (Fights to get Obediah off. Screaming.)Help me! Somebody stop him!

49 PEACHES. (Distraught.) Oh, no! Jimmie Wy, we gotta help him! JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Completely nonplussed.) You do realize he’s doing this to himself, right? (Obediah “drags” Dewey to the stage right door.) OBEDIAH. I’m in charge from now on! Got that, loser?! DEWEY. (Screams, stops, then speaks pleasantly to Peaches.) You know, other than this turn of events, I had a real good time at the reunion. (Obediah “yanks” him, he screams, and they exit.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. Quick tip: Next time you fall for some guy, smart money says to call the nearest mental institution and have ’em do a head count. (Just then, Gaynelle flies in from the stage right door.) GAYNELLE. You’ll never believe what just happened! Bob Roy Hargis was about to win the guacamole eating contest when Dewey Davenport released what must’ve been a dozen skunks in the middle of the party! The governor ran down the street screaming like a girl! And there’s guacamole everywhere! PEACHES. (Runs to the stage right door.) Good gosh! It’s chaos out there! GAYNELLE. And that’s not all! Then Dewey dumped a crate filled with thousands of fire ants into the crowd! JIMMIE WYVETTE. Oh, no! And Tanzie’s out there in the big middle of it. This is a disaster! GAYNELLE. You’re telling me! They never announced who got Guacamole Queen! (Raynerd races in from the stage right door.) RAYNERD. Miz Jimmie Wyvette, once the skunks began spraying and ants started stinging, everyone got to hollering, stampeding down Main Street and ripping off their clothes! And it’s mostly folks you’d never want to see nekkid. (More screams and shouts offstage.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Sighs, defeated.) Well, at least we threw a high school reunion no one will ever forget. (Just then, LaMerle, “buck naked” except for a checked tablecloth, barrels in from the stage right door.) LaMERLE. (Screaming.) Ants! Ants! I’m on fire! Ahhhh! (Races out the stage left door.) PEACHES. No matter how hard we try. (Shudders. Blackout. )

50 Scene 4

It’s two a.m. The cousins relax in Wide Bride. Sprawled on the couch, shoes kicked off, they’re laughing and having a good time recapping the evening.

GAYNELLE. Y’all, come on! It’s two a.m.! We’ve got to wind this down! PEACHES. I hate to. The best part of the day is when you get to take your bra off. (Picks up the bra she’s taken off and swats at Gaynelle.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. Yep, once folks jumped in the river to get away from the ants and we quit tryin’ to impress our V.I.P.s, it turned into a great party. GAYNELLE. And the governor is some kind of wild man. Watching him swing across the river upside-down on that rope sold me. The man’s got my vote. PEACHES. You know, being down there with everyone brought back such wonderful memories of high school. For me, that’s what a reunion’s all about. GAYNELLE. And we know the live feed was a big hit, what with ol’ naked LaMerle bein’ the star of the show. (They all laugh.)But I still wonder what happened to Tanzie. JIMMIE WYVETTE. Yeah, and I still wonder how it turned out I got me a man after all these years! And he was right here in my own backyard the whole time. Boy howdy, talk about a miracle! GAYNELLE. Well, we’re thrilled for you! And speaking of, where is Grover? PEACHES. Over at Cigs ’N’ Suds tryin’ to figure out how a dead body (Dawns on her.) turned up in their walk-in beer cooler … You didn’t?! JIMMIE WYVETTE. Oh, man. I knew I forgot to tell you something! (Aubrey hurries in from the stage right door.) AUBREY. Ooh-wee! What a night! I finally shook the Crowder sisters and got me a new squeeze. Tell you what, that Sibby Giddens is one hot tomato!

51 GAYNELLE. Uncle Aubrey! Sibby’s half your age and she’s a tramp! AUBREY. (Joyful.) I know! How lucky can one stud get?! JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Crosses to Aubrey. Serious.) Not to spoil your good time, but we really need to tell you somethin’ right now. (Pats him gently on the back.) Uncle Aubrey, your old buddy Cody Fussel has passed away. AUBREY. (Serious.) Cody? He’s … he’s dead?! (Peaches joins them and puts her arm around him.) That means … I’m the last surviving member of our graduating class? (Gaynelle joins them and takes his hand.) PEACHES. I’m afraid so, Uncle Aubrey. (Sad, the girls exchange a look.) AUBREY. Then … (Suddenly jubilant.) I win! Woo-hoo! I beat ’em all! I’m the last one standin’! Thanks, girls! (Joyfully exits through the stage right door.) GAYNELLE. Well, reunions do mean different things to different people. (Tanzie Lockhart, slightly tipsy, staggers in unnoticed from the stage left door. She’s disheveled and barefoot, wearing what started out as an attractive yet conservative party dress, with a man’s shirt tied around her head and her skirt stuffed into a pair of men’s boxer shorts.) PEACHES. But I still kinda wish we’d classed ours up enough to impress Tanzie and launch our new party business. That way we’d — JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Sees Tanzie.) Holy cow! (Races to her side.) Tanzie, you okay?! We’re so sorry the party got derailed by that maniac. TANZIE. Derailed?! Girl, that’s when the party started cranking! It was pure genius that you got everyone loosened up, skinny dip- ping, chasing each other around the bonfire! Now that’s thinking outside the box! PEACHES. (Rolls with it.) Why, uh … thank you! That was exactly what we intended. TANZIE. Anyone can throw a stuffy sit-down with fine china and a string quartet, but you’ve met the governor. Face it, that ol’ boy is pure-D trailer trash. When Gov parties, he wants to boogie! Ladies, not only does he want you to plan his birthday bash, he wants you to throw every party he gives as long as he’s in office! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find the cowboy these boxer shorts belong to. (Exits through the stage left door. The girls cheer and hug.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. Wow! We did it! We hit us a grand slam! PEACHES. We’re gonna throw parties that make people happy. And we’re going to make big bucks and that’ll make us happy!

52 GAYNELLE. And we’re gonna have a good time doin’ it! Hey, I made us a treat in case we had reason to celebrate. And since my ex-husband is still dead, I say we do! (Runs out the upstage door.) PEACHES. Working on this reunion with y’all has made me realize what’s really important — (Gaynelle enters from the upstage door with a plate of cupcakes.) GAYNELLE. Yeah, red velvet cupcakes! (They laugh and enjoy a bite.) PEACHES. Besides these. I finally realizemy happiness isn’t dependent upon a man being in my life! Us being together is what makes me happy. JIMMIE WYVETTE. Well, that sounds real nice, but knowin’ your needs like we do, you can’t tell us you wouldn’t jump at the next livin’, breathin’ male in tight Levis who walks through that door. PEACHES. Of course I would! Just because I’ve learned this, doesn’t mean I have to live it. GAYNELLE. You make a good point — not about men, I mean about being happy. Cousins, we’ve overcome some fearsome obstacles in the last few years because together we are a force of nature! We’re Verdeens! That’s why I want to apologize for it being all about me this week. I got hung up on being named Guacamole Queen. You two mean so much more to me than something that silly. (Raynerd races in from the stage right door with a bag in his hand.) RAYNERD. Hey, y’all! The party’s still going real good at the river and I just have one thing left to do before Miz Rhonda Lynn takes me and Doodle home to Tinsel. See, I was on the secret Queen committee with Mr. Kajur, who’s runnin’ from the law, and Mr. Cody, who’s dead in a sleeping bag, and I’m the only one left. So I want to give this to you, Miz Gaynelle. (Takes a tiara from the bag.) GAYNELLE. (Gasps.) You’re … choosing me?! PEACHES. (Proudly puts her arm around Gaynelle.) Because she’s kind and generous and positive and fearless in the true spirit of Sweetgum High? RAYNERD. No, ma’am. It’s ’cause she bought me a corn dog this afternoon when I was right peckish. I figure that deserves somethin’. (Hands the tiara to Gaynelle, who stares at it, stunned. He exits through the stage right door.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Takes the tiara from Gaynelle, goes to the door, and calls.) Well, that’s really sweet of you, Raynerd, but Gaynelle’s decided she really doesn’t want — (Gaynelle bolts across the room, grabs the tiara, and rams it on her head.)

53 GAYNELLE. (Ecstatic.) I lied! It’s mine! It’s my do-over! I’m the Now and Forever Guacamole Queen! And you know what that means?! It means it’s time to pile into your truck, Jimmie Wy! We’re going to go pack up LaMerle and send her to Fayro! PEACHES. We can’t move LaMerle right now! She’s in bed! GAYNELLE. Then we’ll move the bed with her in it! (Grabs her purse.) JIMMIE WYVETTE. Well, this is the Lone Star State. Anything goes! GAYNELLE. And I say what goes is Aunt LaMerle! PEACHES. (Warms to the idea.) Heck, I’m in! Who cares if it’s the middle of the night? Let’s load her up and move her out! Stranger things have happened in Sweetgum, Texas! JIMMIE WYVETTE. (Grabs her keys.) Yeah, and who’s been responsible for most of ’em? The Verdeens!(High-fives Peaches.) PEACHES. (Grabs her bra.) And who sticks together no matter what the situation, the men involved, or the jail time threatened? The Verdeens! GAYNELLE. (Puts her arms around them.) And whose future is looking as bright as the day we graduated from dear old Sweetgum High? GAYNELLE, PEACHES, and JIMMIE WYVETTE. The Verdeens!! (They laugh, hug, and head to the stage right door.) Go-o-o-o-o, Buccaneers! (The high school fight song comes up as the lights dim, and they race out the stage left door. Blackout.) End of Play

54 PROPERTY LIST

Coffee mug Purses, one stuffed with envelopes and documents Clean laundry, including a pair of boxers with “sexy graphics” Oxygen tank with nasal cannula Flask Foam hand with pointer finger up 2 telephones Wooden yardstick Wedding veil Sewing bag with knitting and needles Spray disinfectant and cloth Can of whipped cream Gun and holster, handcuffs Oversized human hand puppet with large eyes Box with flatware and napkins Chess pie Little red wagon Huge ball of brightly colored yarn Beer can Flower Basketball hoop and net Sign reading “Vote for LaMerle” on one side and “Or Burn in Hell!” on the other Empty boxes, bubble-wrap, papier-mâché cactus with a string of lights, 5 incomplete centerpieces Mini bullhorn Large lard bucket Huge box Police tape Sleeping bag with body, and with man’s boot poking out 2 sets of pom-poms Box of trash bags Megaphone Plastic pirate sword Bangle bracelet Bra Plate of red velvet cupcakes Bag with tiara

55 SOUND EFFECTS

Texas swing music Rumble Phone ringing Loud, earth-shattering boom Earthquake rumble and crashes Laughter Dance music Screaming and shouting High school fight song played by marching band

56 Note on Songs/Recordings, Images, or Other Production Design Elements

Be advised that Dramatists Play Service, Inc., neither holds the rights to nor grants permission to use any songs, recordings, im- ages, or other design elements mentioned in the play. Jones Hope Wooten do not use copyrighted material in their plays. Any songs written into Jones Hope Wooten plays must be per- formed exactly as written, including but not limited to the indi- cated melody and the staging of such songs. No other songs, re- cordings, or production elements may be incorporated or substituted for specific elements written into the play.

If any copyrighted material is used in a production of a Jones Hope Wooten play, including but not limited to pre-show mu- sic, it is the responsibility of the producing theater/organization to obtain permission of the copyright owner(s) for any such use. Additional royalty fees may apply for the right to use copyrighted materials. Dramatists Play Service, Inc., does not assist in clearing rights to materials not specifically written into acting editions. DPS cannot advise as to whether or not a song/arrangement/re- cording, image, or other design element is in the public domain.

57 LAST ROUND-UP OF THE GUACAMOLE QUEENS by Jessie Jones, Nicholas Hope, Jamie Wooten

4M, 8W (doubling)

In this deliciously funny Southern-fried comedy, the Verdeen cousins of Sweetgum, Texas — Gaynelle, Peaches, and Jimmie Wyvette — are up against the clock as they frantically attempt to produce the ultimate high school reunion before the old building is demolished. But they’ve got a bushel of obstacles to overcome before they can pull off this miracle: Gaynelle is reeling from the humiliating demise of her loathed ex-husband; Peaches’ romantic life has tanked because the older her dates get, the more horrified they are by her job as a mortuarial cosmetologist; and Jimmie Wyvette is trying to live down her on-camera catfight with a local televangelist. To top it all off, the cousins have got to impress a governor’s aide with their party-planning capabilities, so that they can nab the plum job of throwing the governor’s birthday bash — and keep their business afloat. Their scramble to prepare the perfect event is interrupted by the exploits of their beloved Uncle Aubrey, who is in danger of getting throttled by the two octogenarian sisters he’s simultaneously romancing, and by threats from their self-righteous Aunt LaMerle, who is determined to be crowned the final and forever Guacamole Queen of Sweetgum High. And that’s before one of Peaches’ former classmates arrives with a malevolent hand puppet and a score to settle, Jimmie Wyvette hog-ties the sherrif with police tape, the high school gym is blown away, and the desperate battle for Guacamole Queen heats up into an outrageous fight to the finish. Chaos is side-splittingly achieved! A gut-busting Jones Hope Wooten farce — and a stand-alone play in its own right — LAST ROUND-UP OF THE GUACAMOLE QUEENS is the third and final comedy in the Verdeen Cousins Texas Trilogy that begins with THE RED VELVET CAKE WAR and continues with REX’S EXES. You’ll laugh so hard you might even consider attending your next high school reunion!

Also by Jones, Hope, Wooten FARCE OF NATURE FUNNY LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW and others DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC.