Winter 2009 Volume 24 No

MAGAZINE ™

Hope & Healing for the Body, Mind & Spirit Winter 2009 Volume 24 No. 4

www.livingwithloss.com Bereavement Publications, Inc. Gifts from the Hope and Healing Cards New! Pet Loss Card Outside copy: How does one say goodbye to a beloved pet? for the Holidays Inside copy: The ache in our hearts When a companion-animal friend dies Is difficult to put into words, But there is comfort in remembering Unique ideas for your holiday bereavement The special moments that were shared, The honesty of that friendship program, memorial service, candle lighting And the unique place this beloved animal ceremony or just to say “thinking of you”. Will always have in our affections. Thinking of you at this time 1201 of difficult loss. SEE PAGE 44

1. Outside copy: On the anniversary 2. Outside copy: Saying Goodbye of your loved one’s death… Inside copy: Holiday Inside copy: May you treasure the ...is perhaps the hardest thing unforgettable moments and you’ve had to do... meaningful words you shared, May hope rise like the dawn- Bear Care May you find comfort, To give you strength in each new day. Santa's Precious Helpers Bring hope, and peace in each new day, Hope and Cheer And may your journey lead you 1210 to a new place of healing. 1215

3. NEW!! 4. Outside copy: You’ve shared Outside copy: your loved one’s final journey Remembering Your Loved One and said a last goodbye… Inside copy: Inside copy: May your pain soften Today and Always. and fade As treasured memories bring the peace That will brighten the days ahead. 1202 1204 Those of us who remember and care, 1109 Offer you tender compassion and understanding. Featuring Angel Bear/Pal Bear/ 5. Outside copy: You held your 6. Outside copy: May Angels Bear-eavement Bear. Gift package loved one’s hands and said a long Whisper in Your Ear includes one bear (your choice), gift goodbye... Inside copy: tag, and the booklet Tinsel & Tears: A Inside copy: Messages of peace, Holiday Guide. Wrapped in a clear May the love you shared Images of eternity, cellophane bag with a bow. $12.95 plus Triumph over the pain Words of hope shipping and handling. And bring you meaning And assurance of His presence. and comfort. You are in our thoughts Order #1634 - $12.95 1203 1217 and prayers.

7. Outside copy: 8. Outside copy: On this day 9. Outside copy: A gentle word, A patient ear, of remembrance… With Sincere Sympathy… A compassionate touch Inside copy: Inside copy: Can temper the pain, Though no one can walk with you To lose a loved one is hard to bear Mend a broken heart As you travel through the And though the sorrow and open the door valley of grief, and pain are deep, to renewed hope. May you find solace in knowing that May you find comfort in knowing Inside copy: Your loved one is fondly remembered That your love and memories 1211 May it comfort you to know 1216 on this special day. 1207 And the compassion of those that friends are standing by. who remain Are yours to hold and to keep.

10. Outside copy: 11. Outside copy: 12. Outside copy: May Your Love Take Wing Promises of tomorrow Hope is the thing with feathers Inside copy: Laced with memories of That perches in the soul Choose “Thank You” or blank inside. yesterday- And sings the tune without the words Custom imprints available. Enable us to face today. And never stops at all. 4 ¼ “ x 5 ½” size, 80 lb. smooth -By Iris Morganstern -By Emily Dickinson Inside copy: Inside copy: white card stock and envelope. 2103 Please know that your loved one May hope be your strength 1261 #1261 Wing – Thank You (inside) $1.60 lives on in the hearts and this Holiday Season memories of those who embrace #1262 Wing – Blank inside $1.60 2101 you during this difficult time...

Cards come with matching envelopes. Any multiples of 10 available. PERSONALIZED OR CUSTOM VERSE & DESIGN AVAILABLE (with one-color and 4-color Wing cards and envelopes only) AT NO ADDITIONAL COST WHEN ORDERING 300 OR MORE OF THE SAME CARD. See Order Form Page 46. CONTENTS

4 Submission Guidelines Gift Of Experience 4 Reprint Policy 5 Publisher’s Note 28 “Validations” 41 Marketplace Kimberly Perlmutter 44 Products & Resources 29 “Defeating the De-Motivator” Robert Evans Wilson, Jr. PUBLISHER Grieving Outside the Box Wag’s World Publishers, Inc. 30 “National Survivors of Suicide Day: A Day of Healing for J. Waggoner 8 “You Have to Go There” MANAGING EDITOR Sandy Goodman Survivors of Suicide Loss” J. Waggoner Joanne L. Harpel, J.D. M. Phil. and Rebecca Thorp CONTRIBUTING EDITOR Grief Psychologist’s Corner Pat Sunderland 32 “Grieving the Loss of a Friend: 10 “Grieving Families - Holiday The Drug of One’s Choice” COPY EDITOR/PROOFREADING Andre Mathieu, C.P. Pam Waller Dilemmas” J. Shep Jeffreys, Ed.D., FT CONTRIBUTORS 33 “Room for Change: Nita Aasen Healing The Body, Mind & Spirit Nourishment for Body and Mitch Carmody Mind” Sr. Marilyn Carpenter, OSB, M.A., M.R.E. 12 “Dying with Dignity (or not)” Susan W. Reynolds Beth G. French Robert Thompson, M.D. Richard B. Gilbert, Ph.D., CT, FAAGC 34 “Bare Bones Landscape” Judith Boice, N.D., L.Ac. Linda Goldman The Places I’ve Gone Sandy Goodman 35 “Nothing is Permanent” Earl A. Grollman, DHL, DD Savitri L. Bess J. Shep Jeffreys, Ed.D, FT 14 “Unemployed…” Rachel Kodanaz Elaine Lang 36 “Learning From Our Losses” Bob Lang, M.A., LPC, LAC, MAC, SAP Stan Goldberg Elaine Lang Grief & Loss Stories Harry McDonald, M.A. 37 “An Insurmountable Grief Harold Ivan Smith, D. Min., FT 16 “Divorce: Investing in a Next Reconsidered” Marge Swain, CFD Chapter” Miki Novak Strom Robert R. Thompson, M.D. Harold Ivan Smith, D. Min., FT Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. 39 “‘The Light’ of the TCF Healing The Body, Mind & Spirit Worldwide Candle Lighting” COVER DESIGN & LAYOUT Cathy Seehuetter Angela P. Hollingsworth - Creative Designer 970-944-0350 18 “Boxes” 40 “A Funeral Director’s Worst Richard B. Gilbert, Ph.D., CT, FAAGC BUSINESS MANAGER Nightmare: A Family’s Sign Chris Waggoner For Your Consideration... from Mom” Nettie E. Springer A Funeral Director’s Perspective Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. 19 “Some Helpful Thoughts When Poetry & Prose PO Box 101 You Have Lost Your Parents” 6 “Save the Last Dance” Eckert, CO 81418 Marge Swain, CFD Linda Leary 888-604-4673 (HOPE) Fax: (970) 252-1776 Healing The Body, Mind & Spirit 7 “November Evening” Glenda Beall www.livingwithloss.com 20 “Betwixt & Between” Part 1 7 “A Walk on Christmas Day” Living with Loss™ Magazine (ISSN 08979588) is Sr. Marilyn Carpenter, OSB, M.A., M.R.E. Christine Ross published quarterly by Bereavement Publications, Inc., PO Box 101, Eckert, CO 81418, $32 for one year ($49 Healing Families 11 “Holidays and Time” for one year outside the U.S.). Periodical postage paid Deb Kosmer at Eckert, Colorado. POSTMASTER: send address 22 “Divorce and Loss; What’s in it changes to Bereavement Publications, Inc., PO Box 15 “Survival by Default” 101, Eckert, CO 81418. Upon USPS undeliverable for the Child?” Gail Cyccone notification, we have no further obligation unless we Bob Lang M.A., LPC, LAC, MAC, SAP receive a corrected address within three months. First 31 “A Poem in Memory of issue of a new subscription is the next issue to be mailed. Copyright 2009 Bereavement Publications, French Food for Thought Benjamin: Eight Years Ago” Inc. Writers agree to permit later reprints of their Alan D. Busch work without compensation but relinquish no other 24 “Grieving the Loss of the 38 “You Ask Why I’m Not copyrights. Golden Nest Egg” The editorial material, poems and views presented by Beth French Pregnant” Bereavement Publications, Inc. in Living With Loss™ Diana Savage Magazine are not necessarily the opinions of the Understanding Military Loss 38 “November Eleventh” publishers. Rebecca Pinker Cover Photo: © www.dreamstime.com 26 “Arlington National Cemetery: Section 60, A Community of What is heading for this? Healing” Scott Warner www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 3 Submission & Reprint Guidelines

BEREAVEMENT PUBLICATIONS, INC. REPRINT POLICY 2009 (Revised)

Living With Loss™ Magazine The use of our editorial material from Living With Loss™ Magazine and Bereavement Magazine is strictly intended for support groups and may be reprinted under the following conditions: You may, as a support group leader or facilitator, photocopy directly from this publication the page(s) in which the article appears with a maximum number of 20 copies per article/poem. These copies are intended to be used as handouts. To maintain the integrity of the author’s work, no excerpts, rewrites or exclusions are permitted. The reprint permission reference appears on each page and must be included on the photocopy. No profit may be made from the distribution of the material. If additional photocopies after the gratis 20 quantity are desired, then please request a Copyright Permissions Request Form from us, complete the form and return to Bereavement Publications, Inc. If permission is granted, the photocopies will be made by Bereavement Publications, Inc. and a charge of $.50 per article multiplied by the number of sets granted permission will be charged along with the appropriate shipping and handling fees. Requests for reprints in newsletters must also be submitted for review and consideration to Bereavement Publications, Inc. with a Copyright Permissions Request Form. If permission is granted, a charge of $.50 per article multiplied by the number of newsletters published will be charged to the consumer. Payment must be made in advance and a .pdf file of the newsletter must be sent and approved by Bereavement Publications, Inc. before newsletters are mailed. You may request a Copyright Permissions Request Form by calling 1-888-604-4673 or by downloading the .pdf file on our website at www.livingwithloss.com. Reprints in brochures, books, booklets or on websites are prohibited. The reproduction in any form of any Bereavement Publications, Inc. product, i.e., booklets, cards, compilations, calendars and books is strictly prohibited. Thank you for respecting our writers and their work by adhering to our policy. We appreciate your compliance and support in sharing our material. Wag’s World Publishers, Inc. © 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. All rights reserved

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES The History of Living with Loss™ Magazine, formerly Bereavement Magazine The heartbeat of Living With Loss™ Magazine is the material YOU Bereavement Magazine was founded in 1987 by Andrea Gambill after more than 10 years of support group leadership and grief counseling. write and submit to us. Just as what you have read in Living With Loss Andrea created a ‘support group in print’ to serve the bereaved has touched and inspired you, your story can bring hope and healing to believing that the grief-stricken have both stories to tell and a need to know the stories of others. The magazine became a valuable resource someone else. An honest approach with the overall goal of encouraging for the bereaved and those who care for them. Andrea was the editor- and uplifting is what makes our magazine the best “support group in in-chief until the end of 2002. In 2001, Ron and Loya Coffin took over as publishers and Loya became editor-in-chief after Andrea’s print”. You can access our Submission Guidelines on the web at www. departure. The Coffins continued with the magazine’s mission of livingwithloss.com or send us an email at [email protected] offering hope and healing with timely articles, new publications and resources. They renamed the magazine Living with Loss™ Magazine and type “request submission guidelines” in the subject box. Make a to reflect their philosophy of addressing the many aspects of grief, serving the bereaved until early 2006. difference and share the gift of your experience with our readers! Our current publishers, Wag’s World Publishers, Inc., continue the tradition and broaden that vision with an emphasis on traditional and alternative perspectives and resources for healing the body, mind and spirit in grief and loss. Above all, our mission remains the same and that is to offer compassion and hope while living with life’s losses and challenges.

Professionals who are eminent in the field of grief and loss education contribute regular articles in each issue. Our contributors include: Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Rabbi Earl Grollman, Rev. Dr. Richard B. Gilbert, Harold Ivan Smith, Dr. Robert Thompson, Rachel Kodanaz, Nita Aasen, Mitch Carmody, Sandy Goodman, Harry McDonald, Dr. Shep Jeffreys, Linda Goldman, Sr. Marilyn Carpenter, Marge Swain, Bob Lang, Elaine Lang and Beth French. Department articles present traditional and alternative perspectives, coping techniques and resources that address physical and mental health issues, the psychology of mourning, ecumenical faith, the grief of children and seniors, grief in the workplace and even appropriate humor. We also feature stories on terminal illness, cancer, loss of jobs, natural disasters, finances, divorce, pet loss and military loss.

Every view is unique, every question valid, and with compassion every journey can be honored. www.dreamstime.com

4 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com Reflections from the Editor

Winter 2009 The Year of First, Third, Fourth & Fifth Anticipations

The winter season is upon us bringing an abundance of e-magazines throughout holidays, family and friend gatherings, work and weather the year in addition to challenges. This will be the first of my 51 years that I will not the new all-color paper speak to my father on Thanksgiving or Christmas. He died in magazine that is published May this year. This will be the third year my father-in-law has quarterly on February 1, been gone for the holiday season. He passed on in 2007. This May 1, August 1 and November 1. Your subscription price will be my fourth year as a cancer survivor. How I remember will include four quarterly-printed magazines and eight sitting with my father-in law on the couch at Christmas in e-magazines a year. In 2008 I asked readers for feedback 2005. I was just coming out of cancer treatment and was regarding our publishing either an electronic magazine or a thrilled with the inch of hair on my head. My father-in-law paper magazine. Most readers indicated that both types of bravely sat next to me, smiling and trying to participate in medium were desired. We will now have a paper magazine all the holiday banter as he struggled with his own cancer and e-magazines for you beginning January 2010. For those treatment. I miss them so badly and my words on this paper who love the touch and crinkle of the paper and the smell of cannot express it. 2010 will be the fifth year of my cancer the ink, we will satisfy your craving and for those who are survival and I feel tremendous joy at this anticipation. I hope drawn to the power of internet and e-mail communication to write you soon, my dear reader, in April’s new e-magazine - you shall be served. Our editorial coverage broadened in edition and in Summer 10’s LWL™ Magazine that I survived 2009 as we began to cover all facets of loss. Physical and beyond my diagnosis date from five years ago. I call it BC - mental challenges, terminal illness, natural disasters, living AD, Before Cancer to After Diagnosis, Surviving Forward™ with cancer and survivorship, divorce, drug addiction, mental and hope to write you about it in upcoming publications. I illness and pet loss are some of the new topics we will bring encourage those of you who are living a loss or challenge you in 2010. May our publication add a thousand points of this winter season to embrace and enjoy all the little things view and a bit of insight to your life. that surround us on a daily basis. The birds at the feeder, the sparkle of snow, a good cup of coffee, the smell of the pine Send us your e-mail address! This is what we need from tree...all things that when recognized make our lives simple you before January 2010’s e-magazine so please e-mail us at: yet special and bearable. I encourage you to read some very [email protected] or [email protected]. Your good writing inside this magazine from our columnists, Gift e-mail address will be added to your subscription infor- of Experience writers and poets - all with very important mation. Your address and personal information are never sold words to share and help you with your loss or challenge as to or shared with anyone for any reason so please feel free you turn our pages. to send your address to us and reap the full benefit of your subscription to Living With Loss™ Magazine. Your business Wag’s World Publishers, Inc. goes into its fourth year of is appreciated. ownership with the Living With Loss™ Magazine project. As with any business, we have had our share of success and I wish you a grateful, memorable and peaceful winter season. hardship. We keep moving forward in a positive fashion throughout the recession and work to stay current with Respectfully, technology and ahead of other business forces at work. As other magazines, newspapers and printed material discontinue J. Waggoner publishing, our niche magazine is in a reformation, a Publisher Phoenix-like transition. I am pleased to share with you that beginning in January 2010, we will release our first e-magazine and will publish and release eight monthly Make no judgment, honor all loss with respect, breathe in and out peace. ub lisher s www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673P Living With Loss™ MagazineN Bereavement Publications,o te Inc. Winter 2009 5 Save the Last Dance

She spoke to herself as she sat in her chair, There where they live there’s no gauge of time. save the last dance for me for soon I’ll be there – Between that place and yours is a very fine line – And we will be together. of distinction.

Her ice cream sat melting as lost in her thoughts, So be in the moment and be of good cheer, She considered herself someone that time had forgot. Because what was once here soon will be there – Perhaps she was wrong in this assumption. with the Ancients.

Soft as a whisper the leaves they did dance, All the love you felt missing, all the touching you lost, with a message of hope and maybe the chance – are there for the taking and well worth the cost – that she was never alone after all. of the waiting.

Our loved ones don’t leave as locked in our hearts Be with the ones who love you so much. Are echoes of memories that are not apart – Be with the ones who’ll miss most your touch – From our souls. when you leave.

Help came from below and it came from above, For it will be their turn to grieve. Those spirits around us glowing with love. And waiting oh so patiently. Be proud of today, be not in the morrow. For the life that you have is really just borrowed – As all of her friends and her family have said, for a short time. Get back to your heart and out of your head – And you’ll hear them. Soon enough will come the closing of eyes. And feel them. Soon enough will come the long-awaited prize of reunion. They have never been far from your side all these years. They’ve heard all your protests and felt all your tears Soon enough. of frustration – That you had to stay, while he passed on. Soon enough.

There was a reason. Until then, there’s time for another ice cream, I think.

© 2009 Linda Leary For Grandma Jeanne www.dreamstime.com

6 WinterWinter 2009 2009 Bereavement Bereavement Publications, Publications, Inc. Inc. Living Living With With Loss Loss™™ Magazine Magazine Toll Toll free free 888-604-4673 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com www.livingwithloss.com A Walk on Christmas Day

I took a walk on Christmas day November In the cool crisp winter air. The trees bowed down before me Evening And they whispered in my ear. “Walk lightly on the pathway. Sky cradles a sliver of moon. Tiptoe quietly as you go. Saturn in the West, the only star. Remember all the days gone by Humpbacked mountains crouch. Of the life you used to know.” Trees point leafless limbs above me. Cold stings my cheeks, chills fingers Along the path were Christmas trees searching for warmth inside my coat. And stars and angel wings, The white dog trots ahead Toys for little children But no children could be seen. and pokes his nose into bushes left bare by last week’s freeze. Snow will fall Bright red bows and Christmas wreaths before dawn, dress firs, pines and oaks, And flowers all around, hills and houses in winter’s wrapping. Big brass horns and jingle bells I stop, savor the closing moments of dusk, Although they made no sound. loath to go within and face the truth. Manger scenes and ornaments Will my brother see another autumn’s gold? And little twinkle-lights, Or does Eternity wait like the glistening Santa Claus and reindeer, That didn’t come last night. days of December, beckoning light so bright he is drawn forever away? Decorations everywhere, It was Christmas at this place. © 2006 Glenda Beall All was well until I felt A teardrop on my face.

I walked lightly on the pathway. I tiptoed quietly as I prayed. Then I looked down and saw it... His name upon his grave.

“It’s Christmas,” whispered all the trees To the graveyard names below. And I remembered days gone by Of the life I used to know.

© 2007 Christine Ross In memory of Lucas Christopher Ross 1979 - 2001 www.dreamstime.com www.dreamstime.com

www.livingwithloss.comwww.livingwithloss.com TollToll freefree 888-604-4673888-604-4673 LivingLiving WithWith LossLoss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 77 Grieving OUTSIDE THE BOX You Have to Go There by Sandy Goodman

As I sit to type this article, I become conscious that my writing is really www.dreamstime.com more of a message than an article. It is a communication, a means to share what’s in my heart (and some of what is in my gut) with you, the reader. I also realize that I do this with intention…an intention to give you hope, to touch you, to bring tears to your eyes…to be with you. To actually sit with you. To listen to you. Am I there in the room beside you as you read this? You decide.

This morning I woke up, poured my coffee, flipped the channel to new age music, lit a candle, settled on the couch with my blankie, and called for my son. Now to do that, I had to first close my eyes and then visualize him, because the son I was summoning died in 1996 at the age of 18. Contacting him is not quite as easy as picking up the phone or calling out his name. So I did a short meditation, a little bit of conscious breathing,

I didn’t want to go shopping. I didn’t want to bake cookies or send cards or be MERRY.

and soon enough I felt him near me. “Hey Jason,” I said. “I need some help. I have to write the holiday article today and after about eight or nine holiday pieces, I’m all out of ideas. What should I do?” More meditating, more breathing and a simple answer slithered into my brain. “You have to go there. You have to go where they are, and speak to them from there.”

Where they are…he means where you are. He means walk in your shoes. He means stop being hoity-toity about my grief and go back to its birth. Its origin. He means I should go back and remember what I felt like when the best part of my day was the first five or 10 seconds in the morning because my mind hadn’t yet remembered that he was dead. He means, “FEEL IT MOM. And THEN you can talk to them about getting through the holidays.” And so I am.

I remember wanting to die. The pain and sadness was so deep that I simply could not get out from under it. I was buried. I spent every waking moment wishing I could die. I didn’t want to decorate. I didn’t want to go shopping. I didn’t want to bake cookies or send cards or be

88 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com MERRY. I didn’t even want to breathe or be awake or Look in your community, find a therapist, find a group, get move. I wanted to not exist. What saved me, finally, was online. Breathe… grasping the fact that I had two living sons and a husband and a father who were very important to me. If I left, did I Lastly, I remember feeling guilt. I had spent many want to leave them here thinking that they meant nothing Christmas holidays at my job. Since we worked (and to me? Remember those who love you. Tell them you lived) in a group home for at-risk boys, it was required need them in your life. Ask them to be patient with you. that we be there for the residents who did not have a home Breathe… to go to at Christmas. We always had our boys with us also, but after Jason died I felt badly about any time I had I remember feeling entitled. My son had died. I had a shared with others. Did he feel cheated, did he miss the right to be depressed. I had reason to be nasty. Those who time alone with me or his dad? After a couple of years of didn’t understand didn’t deserve to be my friends. They bereavement, I remembered those days realistically and SHOULD have cared. They should have known. If they I know Jason enjoyed Christmas immensely. Where we didn’t, they owed it to me to learn. Yada yada yada. I was were and how many extra people were there didn’t seem to a “B”-word with a license and I felt free to treat everyone matter. He was not a selfish boy. Allow your loved one the rudely. Looking back now, I know that I should have taken honor of compassion. We who grieve find guilt no matter better care of myself. I should have stayed in the moment what. Let it go. Breathe… and spent more time being and less time doing. Grief is very, very exhausting. There really is not enough energy I am going now. I wish I could have instantly put the available to do it right and also be a social being. Instead magic back in your Christmas. I want to reach out of this of taking time to feel, I was out there in the chaos of the page you hold before you and take hold of your hand. I holiday rush, looking for a fight. Find your center and want you to hear me. Listen! I know your pain. I know settle in with it. Be with your grief. Breathe… your hopelessness. I know your torment. But I also know your spirit and your resilience. The person you were I remember feeling apathetic. I just didn’t care. I had before is no longer here, but the one you will become will no energy. The whole Christmas celebration seemed know more and be more than you can even imagine. Give too commercial, too raucous, too HAPPY. What was love a chance to come back to you…but for now…just there to be happy about? How could anyone expect me Breathe… to be joyous when my son was no longer here to enjoy the festivities? Eventually I did find my own way of © 2009 Sandy Goodman celebrating. I learned to include Jason in my holiday. I bought gifts in his name, I found ornaments for him, I sang “Silent Night” to him at his grave, I made snow angels, Sandy Goodman became a bereaved parent in 1996 when her 18-year-old son, Jason, died in an electrical I hung his stocking and never once went to bed without accident. Four years later, she realized she had survived saying “Merry Christmas, Buddy, I love you.” Find your the unthinkable and she began writing. Love Never Dies: loved one. Get their attention. Light a candle, say their A Mother’s Journey from Loss to Love was published in 2002 by Jodere Group, Inc. Learn more about Sandy’s name, love them. Breathe… journey through grief and the gifts she found along the way at her website and in her column. “Grieving Outside the Box intends I remember feeling alone. Nobody could possibly to be a very eclectic, free-flowing column. If you’ve scoffed at the concept of ‘finding closure’ and you often find yourself coloring outside of understand how it felt to hang a stocking that nobody the lines, watch this column.” would empty on Christmas morning. No one could know www.loveneverdies.net the emptiness of the chair where he always sat. Not one www.loveneverdies4U.org [email protected] person in the universe could identify with the pain of throwing away the still-intact wishbone at Christmas dinner. After the first few months of Jason’s absence, I was fortunate to find other parents who had lost children. Find a friend. Look for others who have had similar losses.

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 9 Grief PSYCHOLOGIST’S Corner

Grieving Families Holiday Dilemmas

by J. Shep Jeffreys, Ed.D., FT “Sleigh bells ring, Christmas cheer, carols, Thanks (?)-giving, first Passover Seder meal since Dad …, gather round the Chanukah table . . ., apples and honey for Rosh Hashanah, yet another Holiday without …, the music and decorations are everywhere, I can’t get away from the pain and still I can’t let go of what this Holiday time has meant to me and my family! Oh, what to do, what to do?!!”

THE DILEMMA: PULLED IN TWO DIRECTIONS. The calendar can be a grieving family’s worst enemy. How can we hold on to the comforting traditions we have embraced since childhood and fit them into the reality of the post-loss world? For some folks it is simply out of the question to celebrate with decorations, a tree, a menorah, a traditional meal, or religious service. “Holiday time is family feel good time and there is no way we can feel good now!” Others decide that they cannot sail through the holiday without the foundation our traditions and rituals provide. For some there are guilty feelings where there is a sense of dishonoring our loved one’s memory if we anticipate enjoying the holidays. Know that there can be time for both holiday joy and for periods of grieving as well.

FAMILY ACTION I. We emphasize the importance of the slogan: Don’t do nothing! Have some activity planned. Many families we work with are able to come to a compromise that gives all members some of what they need. The decision is best made by the immediate family as a group. This not only gives everyone a chance to participate in what to do but also gives the family the experience of developing new traditions. Time can be set aside for the family members to discuss what they each feel is different now and what they still want from the particular holiday. This activity helps to maintain a sense of who we still are as a family.

These decisions begin a process that will be useful for next

year and future holidays as well. Some families may need www.dreamstime.com

1010 WinterWinter 2009 2009 Bereavement Bereavement Publications, Publications, Inc. Inc. Living Living With With Loss Loss™™ MagazineMagazine Toll Toll free free 888-604-4673 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com www.livingwithloss.com some help to get started with this or for families in the community process and call on clergy, counselors, who are unable to afford the means or other bereavement specialists. for a special holiday meal. Serving others gives us something to do and The family can review what they have we can receive the joy of giving. done in the past for a specific holiday Other families join community and decide which traditions will be litter clean-up crews, park and especially helpful now to themselves stream debris clearance and provide and to their loved ones – and which assistance to residents of nursing can be put off until next year. Are homes, children group homes, and there some particular family customs faith group and community organi- which the loved one who is gone zation outreach programs. enjoyed that can be included in honor of that person? Finally, by exploring with their respective clergy, many families FAMILY ACTION II. Some of may find much benefit concerning the rituals and other family actions faith-based rituals for mourning and Holidays and Time can be altered. For example, have remembering the loved one who has And so now it’s Thanksgiving some friends join in for a potluck died. The meaning of the traditions meal or have the holiday meal in may provide a path through the And what shall we do a new location. Attend Passover dilemma of the grieving family and Though we’ve tried and we’ve cried Seder, High Holiday, Thanksgiving, the approaching holidays. We are not over you. Christmas or Easter dinner with another part of the family or with NOTE: Where a family member has And so now it is Christmas become significantly depressed, or friends. Have some friends in to talks or behaves in an alarming way, And what have we done help put up holiday decorations and seek assistance from a mental health or It’s so hard to do anything dress the tree or decorate a tree in primary care medical provider. When you’re missing someone. the front yard this year. Some folks bring together several other family © 2009 J. Shep Jeffreys Time keeps on moving Chanukah menorahs or have even J. Shep Jeffreys, Ed.D., FT is And still you’re not here taken the holiday out into nature a licensed psychologist and Oh what I would give (hiking, camping, or other short trips a Fellow in Thanantology. away). Following his son Steven’s death, If it were only last year. his work focused on helping grieving people. In addition Incorporate memories into your to clinical practice, Shep is © 2008 Deb Kosmer holiday activities. Create a special assistant professor of psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, and prayer or poem of thanks and affiliate assistant professor of pastoral counseling, acknowledgement, a New Year’s Loyola College in Maryland. He has served as a trainer with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross nationally and toast, group or individual letter, internationally and as consulting psychologist collage art, or a memory album. for the Johns Hopkins AIDS Service. He is author Many find solace in planting a of Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough: A Handbook for Careproviders and memory garden, lighting a special Coping with Workplace Grief: Dealing with Loss, candle, having a moment of silence or Trauma and Change. “My column will present personal reflection, and/or making a material aimed at helping bereaved people understand what is happening to them, what donation to charity. to expect from themselves and loved ones and some ways that others have found helpful Some families have spent holiday for healing.” Listen to his audio series at www. Griefcast.com. time volunteering for preparing and www.GriefCareProvider.com [email protected] serving meals for homeless persons, www.dreamstime.com

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 11 Healing the BoDY, MIND & SPIRIT

We often talk about ‘dying with dignity’, but usually we mean the death of someone else, not ourselves. In my medical practice I have found few patients willing to bring up the subject of ying their own death. Grace was the one exception. Grace was a new patient and the nurse’s chart note simply said, “Wants to talk.” When I entered the room for the first time I was struck D with ignity by her sense of peace. A plumpish woman in her late fifties, Grace had an aura about her that suggested she was ‘all right with the world’, and a smile that lit up the room. We started (orD not) the interview with her asking me questions. I reasoned later that she was, in fact, interviewing by Robert Thompson, M.D. me to see if I could handle what she was about to tell me.

Grace’s story was that she had ovarian cancer and for the previous two years had had surgery and chemotherapy and no further treatment was available to her. She didn’t look like a terminal cancer patient, that’s for sure. In fact she had a very healthy look about her which later I partly “Do not go gentle into that good night, ascribed to her attitude and optimism. Ovarian cancer, especially in older women, is often unpredictable so neither Grace nor I knew how Old age should burn and rave at close of day; much time she had left. After determining that I was capable of hearing her concerns, Grace asked me if, when death was imminent, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” I would admit her to the hospital and make her comfortable in her final days. She requested nothing else. I offered pain and nausea - Dylan Thomas medication but she declined and, still with that peaceful smile, said she would let me know if she needed anything and that was the end of our visit.

The next time I heard from Grace was about a year later when she called and told me, “It’s time.” When I admitted her to the hospital I expected to see her wasted and wan, but her same cheerful attitude prevailed. I drained some fluid from her swollen abdomen to help her breathe, but nothing else. No blood tests, no x-rays, no consultation. Grace remained

www.dreamstime.com conscious and alert to the end. We talked

1212 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll freefr 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com extensively on morning and evening anxious. He refused most medications wishes should be made clear about rounds but never about her. She had a that could have relieved some of his what we want to be done for us strong faith but we didn’t talk about anxiety and depression. To no one’s when we cannot make decisions for that either. She amazed the nurses by surprise, he was abrupt with his wife, ourselves. It can be helpful if those asking about them and their families was short with medical personnel, wishes are put in writing and given to and always wanted to know how their and, only reluctantly, finally accepted other family members. day was going. Then one day, about hospice. To the extent it was possible, five days after being admitted, she a kind of peace enveloped Jake in the Perhaps nothing in my experience died quietly. I mean, she just closed hospice setting. Perhaps it was the of caring for the terminally ill has her eyes and was gone. morphine or oxygen as he became made a greater impact than hospice. more short of breath, but he seemed The hospice philosophy, whether Then there was Jake. I had to give more tranquil. He remained attentive done at home or in a hospice setting, him the bad news that his pancreatic to his surroundings and was able to is to make the person comfortable cancer was inoperable and that visit in a civil way with family. Jake and at peace to the maximum only palliative and comfort care was never one to wax philosophical extent possible. Dying in a clean, was available. Jake looked at me but the last time I saw him alive on comfortable and quiet environment, with steely gray eyes and asked the hospice rounds he smiled and said, surrounded by people who are question everyone asks, as I will, “Thanks, Doc. Told ya I wouldn’t be cheerful but willing to discuss our too, when my time comes, “How easy.” He died about an hour later. feelings about leaving this world, much longer, Doc?” I assured him I should make ‘dying with dignity’ a didn’t know for certain but I thought Is there a moral to these two stories? reality for most of us so that we may, it would be months and not years. Something we can take away that in fact, ‘go gently into the night’. He considered this at some length will be helpful to us as we confront but never took his eyes off mine. our own death or that of a loved © 2009 Robert Thompson Finally, “I ain’t gonna go easy, Doc.” one? Some kernel of truth? To Somehow I knew that was going to my thinking, it means that we die Dr. Robert R. Thompson be true. pretty much as we live. If we live received his medical with dignity the process of dying education at Thomas Jefferson Jake was what, in today’s or suffering another’s death might University Medical School in Philadelphia, PA and vernacular, would be said to be a be easier in some ways. There is no additional training in psychiatry ‘difficult personality’ or one who reason to think that if we have time at the Mayo Clinic. He served had ‘difficulty with interpersonal to contemplate our death or the death two years in the USPHS stationed in a remote Alaskan village on the Yukon River where his relationships’ or ‘intimacy conflicts’. of a spouse or child, that we will interest in rural medicine was kindled. During his In the parlance of yesteryear he was suddenly become any different than 35 years of rural medical practice, Dr. Thompson a ‘rascal’, especially toward his we have been most of our lives. served as a community hospital hospice consultant and worked as a medical officer in long-suffering wife and children. a federal medical prison where he started a One might expect that as he got ever I do know that the dying process can hospice program. Dr. Thompson is the author closer to the end he would become be made easier for most of us using of over 20 articles on a variety of medical and medical-social topics. Following the death of his mellower and make attempts to the tools that are available to us now. 18-year-old son, Paul Leslie Thompson, in 1988, he draw closer to those who for years published Remembering: The Death of a Child in he had pushed away. That was the I believe there should be some kind 2002 (Sugarloaf Publishing House). Dr. Thompson and his wife, Martha, make their home in rural essence of the problem; Jake wanted of end-of-life discussion. It doesn’t Minnesota. “My column will feature articles that to be loved and helped but kept that have to be with a physician. It can discuss ways in which acute grief and chronic help and love at arm’s length or be with a member of the clergy, sadness impact our whole being. The emphasis will be on healing our hearts and minds without pushed it away completely. So Jake power of attorney, family member, or forgetting our loved ones.” struggled and, as he struggled, his anyone in whom we have confidence. www.sugarloafpublishing.com pain intensified. He became more In this end-of-life discussion, our [email protected]

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 13 THE PLACES I’ve Gone Unemployed . . . by Elaine Lang “I’m sorry for your loss” – words confidence in their abilities and felt often spoken regarding the death of like part of a team. They liked whom someone we knew and loved. But they worked for and whom they loss encompasses so much more. worked with. They already felt like ‘Loss’ can come from losing anything they made a difference and played an we cherished or loved – in a variety important role in those they helped, of ways. Granted, sometimes the loss whether it was within the company may be trivial – but other types of structure or the customers they served losses can be devastating, too. Future one-on-one. Some saw it coming and articles will explore jumped ship ahead other things which can of the game – finding cause us great grief, All the stages of similar employment such as fire, a move, before they were let injuries, crime and grief – denial, go. Others stayed more. In this article I anger, blame and on – hanging on wanted to explore an to the hope that area that has affected depression, rolled it couldn’t really thousands this past happen, and gave year: job loss. through their up benefits, took less pay, scrimped The economy has hit emotional mental on supplies – doing an all-time low and whatever they could more people have been well-being until to save the company out of a job – and have and save their remained jobless for they could finally jobs. But, alas, the longer than anyone grasp acceptance inevitable happened could have predicted. and more and more For some, this has that what people boxed up been a golden oppor- their belongings tunity to move on and ‘once was’ will and joined the try something new, growing ranks of learn new skills, and never be again. the unemployed. find more satisfaction ‘Unemployed’ is a in what they do for word that, for some, a living. For others, it has not been had never entered their vocabulary. that easy. These are the people that These are the folks that took it hard. www.dreamstime.com already loved their job, were already All the stages of grief – denial, anger, doing something they loved and blame and depression, rolled through knew they were good at. They had their emotional well-being until they

14 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com could finally grasp acceptance that what ‘once was’ will never be again. “It’s Survival by Default just a job, I can work anywhere.” “The bosses will figure something out and call us all back and we’ll be a great team again.” These and other similar thoughts crowded their minds. Then came, “Why me?” “What did I ever do I didn’t make up my mind to to deserve this?” “Why wasn’t the company more careful?” “It’s my fault; I survive; should have seen it coming and found a job before they shut down.” “What In fact, I wasn’t sure that I will I do?” “Who am I now?” would. But gradually, gradually life Understanding the cycle and where we are in it is a huge step to reaching that seeps back in, final step of acceptance and to healing and moving forward again. Getting And a few things begin to be stuck in one stage is physically and emotionally debilitating. Even after good. finding another job, those still grieving may never feel like it is as good as it once was, like they have been accepted, or like they belong with the new employer and their co-workers. They hang on to how it used to be and never How strange the events that let go of what was in the past. This can negatively affect their job performance sway us, and sometimes even sabotage the new job to the point that they become Those decisions we never made; unemployed again. The turns we take often guided By gloom or wisdom or shade. What can we do to move on? First of all, recognizing and accepting the fact that we are actually grieving is a key normal process. It was a loss and it hurt. It is okay to deny, to be angry, to blame and bargain and be sad. Talking to And suddenly, there we are – a professional is sometimes necessary to help us identify and normalize our living! intense feelings and emotions. Removing blinders about who we are – not Somehow the clouds seem just being identified by our job – is also important to looking at the future. to part Taking the time now to be truly introspective about what we want, what our And, slowly we find ourselves passions are and what is missing from our lives that we can grab onto now, is inserted crucial. What is it about that particular job that made us feel so valued and how can we get that, no matter what we are doing in life? These questions, Back into life – a new start. when thoroughly examined, can lead us to possibilities we had never before imagined. Strange how reality conquers; It persists in the face of grief. I have often wondered if the caterpillar knows that his life is going to change so dramatically. As he bundles himself up in the safety of his cocoon (our Gradually memory softens job), does he realize that coming out of that cocoon will give him wings to go And sorrow melts into relief. more places than he has ever dreamed? © 2008 Gail Cyccone It was our job. A job we loved. We were good at it and we learned so much from it. It was a loss and we’ll never get that back. We can also learn from that loss, grow from it and become more of who we really are than THAT job. It was a part of us – but it was not, by far, ALL of us. © 2009 Elaine Lang Elaine is a senior at Mesa State College, majoring in psychology. She is currently the owner of a drug screening business and works closely with the Meth-Free Delta County program in Colorado. Her career includes 10 years as a victim advocate for local law enforcement agencies. She also volunteers with St. Mary’s Critical Incident Stress Management Team. After growing up in the South, Elaine moved to Colorado 13 years ago. She has four beautiful daughters and a stepson and is happily married to Bob Lang. [email protected] www.istockphoto.com

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 15 Grief & Loss STORIES

Divorce: Investing in a Next Chapter by Harold Ivan Smith, D. Min., FT www.dreamstime.com

Some divorces ‘take the bark’ off the soul—sometimes the Ron decided that a divorce does not have to be the souls of everyone involved. Some divorces leave everyone final—or even the most influential—line on a resume or open to new chapters of life. personal narrative. Some divorcees are so broken by the experience, or so revenge-obsessed, that any potential The next chapter in your life is your choice. ‘good’ coming out of the experience evaporates!

Late evening, July 18, 1949. In a hospital, Ron received This nation has come a long way since the days when news that the divorce was final; his hopes for reconciliation divorce was a stigma and could jeopardize a career. Adlai shattered. Ron had broken his right thigh in five places Stevenson’s campaigns for the presidency in 1952 and sliding into base in a softball game. He would have a 1956 never really ‘got off the ground’ because voters were lingering memory of the phrase, “break a leg.” suspicious of anyone who could not make a marriage ‘work’. Today, many believe divorce ‘could happen to That night he was overwhelmed by emotional grief. His anyone’. Move forward with your life. mother was 2000 miles away; his ex could not bother, given her new romance; his children were too young to Three types of individuals go through divorce: visit on their own. This injury, he mused, meant that the Fighters, Floaters and Navigators. role in a new movie—a role that would have provided much needed cash for transition to an altered future—went Fighters resist every element of the divorce process; no to another. The only thing he had going for him that night detail, no object, is too minor to contest. Buy a divorce was a new Cadillac, a gift from his now ex-wife who had lawyer a meal and ask about stupid arguments—like fuel scribbled the children’s names on the birthday card. on a fire—and be prepared to laugh. Consider the couple who fought over a gallon jar of nails and screws. Or the If a visitor, in an attempt to cheer him up, had said that couple who fought over a mounted deer head—he had shot someday Ron would be governor of California and a it and she had paid for it to be stuffed and mounted. Or the president of the United States who would alter relations couple who scissored an heirloom quilt. with the Soviet Union, would Ron have listened to, let alone believed, such preposterous predictions?

16 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com Some divorcees are so broken by the experience, or so revenge-obsessed, that any potential ‘good’ coming out of the experience evaporates!

Floaters give in, give up and give insight into what it takes to make a sentence that I wish could be tattooed out. Like some passive canoeists, marriage.) In the presence of a few inside the eyelids of every divorcing they lean back into the divorce and friends, Ron married actress Nancy individual so that every time they let the stream carry them somewhere, Davis. Forty-seven years later, blinked they would see: “If you are by Harold Ivan Smith, D. Min., FT hopefully safely, downstream. columnist Bill Buckley identified breathing, it is still too early to tell Ron’s crowning achievement as the ultimate impact of any event on a Navigators are rare courageous “getting Nancy Davis to marry him.” life.” Repeat that daily until it sinks pilgrims who paddle like hell to Together they dreamed, hand-in-hand, in. avoid rapids that have overturned new chapters. Nancy abandoned her others. Navigators look for choices movie career to support him in new Divorce, although painful, was not and opportunities that can make and frontiers in television and politics. the last line on Ronald Reagan’s insure a future better than the past or She lived out the song, “Stand by resume. Nor should it be the last line present. your man!” on yours.

Floaters and Fighters are always Ronald Reagan, as host of GE What will be the next chapter in looking back over their shoulders at Theater, became known to millions your life narrative? If you make where they have been and imagining of television viewers. That role good decisions during or following a what they might have had if they had brought new dreams, new hopes—a divorce, brilliant next chapters await. stayed together. And they are good at series of next chapters that led to a blaming others. future beyond the imagination—or Today could be a day to make fantasy—of Ron back in 1949. decisions insuring a next chapter! Navigators, however, look to a future convinced that something gift- In 1966, Reagan was elected © 2009 Harold Ivan Smith wrapped is waiting for them. governor of California; in 1970, he

was re-elected. In 1976, Reagan Harold Ivan Smith, divorce Ron went through all three categories. challenged incumbent Republican survivor, has authored five books Initially, he was depressed. Next he President, Gerald Ford. When the on divorce. He researches the use of storytelling in grief fought to win her back. He got roles convention votes were tallied, Ford resolution and uses children’s but his ex got the real star deals. had bested him. As Ronald Reagan books with adult grievers. Her star shimmered in the night; his stood in the stands at Kemper Arena He leads “Grief Gatherings” – innovative storytelling groups at St. Luke’s collapsed. He took roles simply to in Kansas City, smiling and waving to Hospital in Kansas City, MO and workshops and pay bills. delegates, one political commentator, trainings across the country for hospice and using a cowboy image, told viewers, pastoral leadership conferences. Harold Ivan is a Fellow in Thanantology, recognized by the Ron and Jane made one great “Now, he will ride off into the sunset Association for Death Education and Counseling, decision that assured both good and be forgotten.” a board member of ADEC, a faculty member of next chapters: silence about each the American Academy of Grief and an adjunct professor in the doctoral program at Northern other, particularly in an industry On January 20, 1981, Reagan, 69, the Baptist Seminary. He is a thanatologist on the driven by tabloid talk. They kept that oldest man ever elected president, teaching faculty of St. Luke’s Hospital, Kansas commitment for the rest of their lives. moved into the White House with a City, Missouri. Author of GriefKeeping: Learning How Long Grief Takes, A Decembered Grief and wide smile and a vibrant belief in a more. “Grief Stories will highlight the grief stories Both had brilliant life chapters ahead. “new chapter” for America. of famous presidents, First Ladies, celebrities and On March 4, 1952, Ron promised, sports figures and how they faced grief and offered insights that can be helpful to grievers “I do” again—far more competently. John Claypool, another individual today.” (A divorce can endow enhanced who survived divorce, crafted a [email protected]

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 17 Healing The BODY, MIND & SPIRIT

by Richard B. Gilbert, Ph.D., CT, FAAGC

There are boxes … To protect us www.dreamstime.com boxes To keep us safe To restrict us To imprison us To comfort us To define us To equip us There are boxes … To bless us Big ones To confront us Tiny ones To heal us Fancy ones To restore us Dull ones New ones There are boxes … Recycled ones Gifts Shaped ones The symbols and traditions of the season or Quaker Oats cylinders Choosing none of them or creating new ones Family There are boxes … Friends Ones that give away the contents within Friends who say little, save for the gift of silence Ones beautifully wrapped, themselves a gift People who don’t intrude, but still find ways to help Unwrapped, wrapping paper too small to cover the box Not another casserole! Boxes that add value because of the name of the store Thank you for the casserole. I won’t have to sit Seasonal boxes alone in a restaurant, picking at the food I can’t Thematic boxes seem to enjoy Boxes that remain part of the story Necessary for returns and exchanges And, yes, there are those tax boxes, gearing up for first of the year. Sorry about that.

At this time of year we easily find ourselves weighed down by the expectations of family traditions, spiritual things, parties, tasks and chores, pain, sadness, emptiness … smiles, kind notes and remembrances, people take us seriously, but don’t push aside when we seem harsh, wanting to be alone while crying out for friends or things that don’t make sense. These are the people who have their own boxes, but somehow manage to stretch and welcome us into their place, their box.

By the way, there are no boxes big enough, strong enough, fancy enough, affordable enough, that contain God. God is just too big, as is God’s love for us.

© 2009 Richard B. Gilbert Dick resides in Galesburg, IL, and continues his bridge-building work with The World Pastoral Care Center. He is an author, professor, consultant, and friend who welcomes your inquiries and invitations. He can still be reached at dick.gilbert@ yahoo.com. It is a good place to start your search and your journey.

18 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION...A Funeral Director’s Perspective

Losing a parent is different for each No matter what type of loss you are person. Individual family members experiencing, there are three things may each react differently to the I can suggest: (1) Rely on your death. Are you still sad and grieving faith, as your religious beliefs can intensely a few months after the death be a guide through your grief. Your has occurred? Have you experienced faith-community needs to know significant weight gain or weight loss? about the loss you are experiencing. What about trouble with sleeping too Many religious leaders may have had much or too little? Is there lack of training in grief counseling and can interest in things that used to interest help you in your time of need. [1] you? Do you ever have thoughts of suicide? These are all of the warning (2) Let your tears flow, both in private signs of depression and, if they apply, and in public places, and don’t feel the help of a professional, such as like you need to apologize to anyone www.dreamstime.com a trained grief therapist, should be for crying. Crying is a very natural Some Helpful sought. outlet for grief and, although the effects may be short-term, can help As part of the grieving process, many you feel better. [1] Thoughts When people find it helpful to write letters to the parent, just as though that person (3) Try to find a grief support group, You Have Lost were still right here. It helps to put or a group comprised of others your emotions down on paper; it can who have lost a parent. The phrase Your Parents help you to heal. And hang on to “strength lies in numbers” certainly those letters—put them somewhere applies here. If the support group by Marge Swain, CFD where you can get to them and re-read doesn’t seem to be providing what you them whenever you want to. You may need, perhaps this is another instance Even though we know our parents not realize until after your parent has where it might be a good idea to seek are going to die, we somehow never passed on just how much you relied out the help of a professional. expect it to happen to us. And so, on them. [1] although not totally unexpected, Finally, realize that the intense grief when that time actually comes it As mentioned earlier, individual may last from one to three years, but can be a terrible shock. Your grief family members may each react you will forever feel the loss of your may turn out to be deeper than you differently to the death and those same parent. had anticipated because, let’s face it: family members will most likely be [1] “Healing Help” from Loss of A Parent, by Kelly Baltzell, M.A. & Karin Baltzell, Ph.D. losing your parent equates to losing a changed as a result of the death. This chunk of your life. And your life will will include the surviving parent, if © 2009 Marge Swain Marge received her change in some fashion, depending on there is one. They will most likely bachelor’s degree in Sec. the type of relationship you had with grieve and rely on remaining family Education from Northern Michigan University with a that parent. members in different ways than what double major in sociology and political science. you will. Don’t take it personally if Marge is a certified funeral In addition to losing your parent, any member of your nuclear family director in Colorado and has worked in the funeral you could be, in a sense, losing becomes either very clingy or totally home industry since 1986. She and husband, your future. For example, will you withdraws from you. This may be Chalmer Swain, own Taylor Funeral Service & Crematory in Delta, Colorado. The business be missing a parent or parents at their own individual way of working is a member of CFDA, NFDA and Select Independent Funeral Homes professional your wedding? What about your through their grief. If there were any organizations. Marge serves in many graduation, or the birth of your unresolved issues with the deceased fund-raising efforts for Hospice and Palliative Care of Western Colorado and her business children? Because you may have parent, you may also see increased has sponsored the Hospice Foundation of America’s National Grief Teleconference lost your parent to future events in anger. Again, a trained grief therapist for 16 years. She is licensed in Colorado your life, your level of grief may be could be very helpful in any of these for pre-need insurance purposes and the mother of two children, ages 15 and 9. compounded. instances. [email protected]

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 19 Healing The BODY, MIND & SPIRIT SPIRITUAL THRESHOLDS IN GRIEF – PART I

We are entering that time and season still without cable, I joyfully set out of the year when we personally and for my rented classroom space to collectively gather our fall harvest and interview three potential students for we fill our storage bins for the winter- a class I’m beginning next week, only time ahead. We also celebrate the to be met with locked doors as keys BETWIXT fullness of the harvest as well as the had been changed, etc. (Since our harvest moon, and we prepare for the phones were out, I hadn’t received the great feast of THANKSGIVING— phone call.) It was a nice day so I did that holiday when we step onto, into, my interviews outside, all the while & and through the thresholds preparing trying to contact somebody to let me to share our gifts of harvest and of self in for a class of 15 coming that night. with our families, our neighbors, and I commented to one of my student that friends. We reach across our cultural this was not one of my better days, BETWEEN and religious barriers. We share food and his response was, “It can be.” by Sr. Marilyn Carpenter, OSB and we celebrate interfaith prayer. We Yes, it can be, and I began looking share from our plenty or our scarcity, at everything differently and being and together we remember and we grateful that I had options. By the pray: “It is good to give thanks to you, way, the interviews went well, I got O God.” (Psalms 92) into the building, evening class went how are we well, I practiced my gratitude litany The attitude of a person who is truly on the way home and, by the time I grateful is to begin each day with walked into the house at 9:30 p.m., expected to be the words, “Thank you for this day I was able to reach out in a positive and for all that it will bring.” And way to those waiting for my arrival. that same person will end each day grateful and to live by naming specifics of the day and Try to imagine this picture: a person repeating the phrase, “Thank you standing erect on dry, cracked earth for this day and for all that it has with clenched fists and ready to attack under this mantle brought.” or to defend. Superimpose with that picture one of a person standing firmly But, how are we expected to be on dark, tilled earth with hands open of gratitude in grateful and to live under this mantle and extended in a gesture of giving of gratitude in the midst of loss, and receiving. This is an image that trauma, suffering, and pain? It’s not has become real in my imagination the midst of loss, so much an expectation as a choice of as I daily try to grow into being that how I perceive the happenings of each grateful person. Meister Eckhart once day. Case in point: yesterday I began said, “If the only prayer you ever say trauma, suffering, my day joyful that I would finish this in your whole life is ‘Thank You,’ it article and then our outside cable line will be enough.” And, I would add, was cut and we were without phones “Say ‘Thank You’ often—even when and pain? and computer. After a few cell phone you don’t feel grateful. Speak/pray calls, I went to plan B, grateful that as you want it to be.” These are the I could have a plan B. Then, today, very skills and suggestions I use to

20 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com help people accept, embrace, move through, and find meaning in loss, change, trauma and chaos.

We all have positive days and not so www.dreamstime.com positive days. There are days when I spend too much energy trying to figure out why things seem to be going so contrary to what I had planned or prayed the day would be. Say Thank You often - Yet, on any day, I can always make a list of persons, relationships and events to be grateful for. As I’m walking or driving home from work even when you don’t feel or meetings, I ask myself for whom/ what am I grateful today? I recall one and another and yet another person or reason to be grateful—even on grateful. Speak/pray as the hard days of chaos and turmoil when I might have to force myself through this ritual. If I truly engage in this activity, by the time I reach you want it to be. home I have said “thank you” several times and I enter the house, crossing the threshold with arms outstretched and hands ready to both give and to receive.

© 2009 Sr. Marilyn Carpenter Sister Marilyn is a Benedictine Sister—a vowed member of Benet Hill Monastery. Her experience includes classroom teaching, parish pastoral associate, hospital chaplain, board member of the Grief Education Institute, Denver, and healing prayer ministry and bereavement education/companioning. In 1995 she began the Pikes Peak Bereavement Coalition in Colorado Springs, CO. Sr. Marilyn has an M.R.E. in Pastoral Theology, an M.A. Psych, is a certified chaplain and a liturgist/musician. Her focus continues to be education and pastoral support in the form of seminars, retreats, e-mail, support groups, and supplying resources for the bereaved, their families, caregivers, and the general public. [email protected]

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 21 HEALING Families www.dreamstime.com

Divorce and Loss; What’s in it for the Child? by Bob Lang M.A., LPC, LAC, MAC, SAP

My work as a professional therapist families report painful memories and Increased awareness into the unique is filled with the loss suffered by ongoing troubles regarding family challenges that children face in children that have had to endure their relationships, the majority are psycho- dealing with the loss of divorce can parents’ divorce. Although we have logically normal.” open our eyes to the solutions that seen a small decline in divorce rates will empower our children and us. over the last 10 years, according to There has long been a debate raging Richard Bach is quoted as saying, the National Vital Statistic report about the effects of divorce on “Avoid problems, and you’ll never be from July 2006, the impact of divorce children, with some focused on the one who overcame them,” and it is in children’s lives remains an area normalization and others empha- in this light that we must look closely of vital concern. These concerns sizing the emotional distress of and fearlessly at the loss divorce are varied and include a spectrum of divorce. Considering all the factors creates for our children. It is clear to problems that include social, psycho- contributing to this highly polarized see that divorce does something to logical, emotional, performance and dispute, many in the field would children, even when it doesn’t create adjustment difficulties that children probably agree on two things: 1) some psychological or emotional face in having to deal with the loss that divorces will continue, and 2) pathology. In general, the following associated with divorce. that we need to do all we can to is what we have come to understand minimize the sense of loss children about how the loss of divorce impacts Recent studies have highlighted the feel in the divorce. Judith Viorst’s children: problems children of divorce face book Necessary Losses describes and have contributed a more compre- a structural frame of reference for 1. Children from intact families do hensive understanding of how this understanding how loss takes place better in many ways than those process impacts our children’s lives. as part of our everyday lives and from divorced families. In a recent In a recent poll published by the New provides insight into an increased study done by Elizabeth Marquardt York Times, it was clearly evident awareness of how loss can be and published in her book Between that children of divorce have a vastly perceived through the eyes of a Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of different perceptual mind-set and child. I have often found that this is a Children of Divorce, she indicates “inhabit a more difficult emotional critical key in finding effective ways that adult children of divorce are landscape than those in intact to deal with the losses we experience three times more likely than those families.” However, caution should be as opposed to avoiding them. In from intact families to disagree taken here to separate this identified my experience, this avoidance of with the statement, “I generally felt loss from ongoing pathology. loss perpetuates unhealthy coping physically safe as a child.” Thirty- Robert Emrey, a noted researcher on mechanisms and may lead to the three percent of children of divorce divorce, suggests that, “while a great development of more serious strongly agreed with the statement many young people from divorced problems. “Children were at the center of my

22 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com …it was clearly evident that children of divorce have a vastly different perceptual mind-set and “inhabit a more difficult emotional landscape than those in intact families.” Seasons family,” as compared to 63 percent of children whose parents stayed married. Children of divorce were six times more likely than children in intact families to strongly agree with the statement “I was alone a lot as a child.” of Grief 2. Children from divorced families do better if both parents can minimize the CALENDAR parental conflict and find a way to actively co-parent. A number of experts in the field (i.e. Diana Shulma, Nancy Barros, Robert Bauserman, Hanna McDonough, and Christina Bartha) agree that children from divorced parents can adjust more effectively to the loss of divorce if both parents can share in the parental responsibilities, reduce parental conflict and not use children as pawns in the legal process. The main reason to work at co-parenting is that it helps both children and parents find more effective ways to deal with all the change that is associated with divorce. These experts agree that effective co-parenting after the loss of a divorce is necessary to a child’s well-being and that children of parents who were able to cooperate after a divorce have better self-esteem and perform better at school.

It would seem clear that more needs to be done to understand how the loss of divorce impacts our children’s lives so we can take the necessary steps to assure their continued healthy development. The research would seem to suggest that if a relationship is headed for divorce then parents need to take responsibility to put their differences aside and work towards a cooperative co-parenting arrangement that is in the child’s best interest. Twelve-month calendar filled with articles and poems. Blank boxes to fill in the current date References: Viorst, Judith. (1998) Necessary Losses: The and year. Frequently Called National Vital Statistics Report. Births, Marriages, Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Numbers and Special Dates Divorces, and Deaths: Provisional Data for 2005. Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Vol. 54, number 20. July 21st, 2006 http://www.cdc. Order to Grow. Free Press. (January 5, 1998) to Remember pages complete gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr54/nvsr54_20.pdf this beautifully illustrated © 2009 Bob Lang Children of divorce: Psychological, psychiatric, full-color calendar. behavioral problems and suicide. http://www. #2000 divorcereform.org/psy.html#anchor1035445 Bob has his Master’s degree from Northern Arizona Barros, Nancy. (1995) Parenting Through Divorce: University, 60 Post Masters $7.95 The Lasting Effects. Motivo Publishing Company. degree credit hours in plus shipping and handling. Counseling Psychology Emery, Robert E. (2004) The Truth About Children and over 5000 hours of and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions so You and continuing education in Quantity Discount Your Children Can Thrive. Viking Adult. (August the counseling field. He 19, 2004) has been in practice since 11 or more - $6.75 each Hetherington, E. Mavis & Kelly, John. (2002) For 1983 and founded Family 51 or more - $5.75 each Better or for Worse. W.W. Norton & Co., Inc. Treatment Centers in 1993. He specializes in reconciliation, forensic and legalistic 101 or more - $5.25 each Marquardt, Elizabeth. (2005) Between Two Worlds: court determinations and is a Child Family 500 or more - $4.75 each The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce. Crown Investigator. Bob is the Program Supervisor Books. (September 27, 2005) for the Center for Mental Health in Delta, Colorado and works as a consultant and McDonough, Hanna & Bartha, Christina. (1999) presents at professional conferences and Putting Children First: A Guide for Parents national organizations. Order at Breaking Up. University of Toronto Press. [email protected] www.livingwithloss.com or Shulman. Diana. (1996) Co-Parenting After Divorce: How to Raise Happy, Healthy Children in see Order Form page 46. Two-Home Families.WinnSpeed Press.

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 23 FRENCH FOOD for Thought

Grieving the Loss of the

Golden Nest Egg by Beth French Some nest eggs have been devastated in the past 18 The other attitude adjustment occurs from an altered months, perhaps due to the widespread decline in value of perspective. Those who possess a faith in a higher power historically-sound, underlying holdings, perhaps as a result and believe in eternal life might benefit from seeing of a financial scandal. Many have not only dealt with the their financial situation in relation to the wealth they still tangible loss of resources, but have been just as deeply possess, in opportunities to assist others, and in comparison traumatized by the loss of control they’ve experienced. to what they believe their ultimate future holds.

Consider the following suggestions as you seek to regain Goal adjustments: Perhaps you’ve recently retired but both and move forward with your life. now find you’re concerned about tapping too heavily into resources that need to last. Consider going to work on your Attitude adjustment: Statements like, “the glass is half terms. For example, a retired mechanical contractor had full” and “the best things in life are free” aren’t simply been volunteering at a local middle school in the winter Pollyanna statements; the perspective they represent can to ‘keep busy’. When the recent financial events affected truly speed your recovery. Taking an inventory of what his nest egg, one of the actions he took was to submit his one still has can be empowering. qualifications as a substitute teacher. He selectively www.dreamstime.com

24 WinterWinter 2009 2009 Bereavement Bereavement Publications, Publications, Inc. Inc. Living Living With With Loss Loss™ Magazine™ Magazine Toll Toll free free 888-604-4673 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com www.livingwithloss.com chose his assignments last year and supplemented his annuities, life insurance and CDs. And what you think you income. know about all of these products may be just scratching the surface of what they really can do. Modifying goals can also mean identifying what it is about a specific home/vacation/lifestyle that really attracts f. Finally, look for areas in your life where you’re you, then creatively finding OTHER, less expensive, unknowingly and unnecessarily transferring valuable alternatives that still meet those less-tangible but ultimate financial resources away from your ‘Circle of Wealth’, goals. For example, suppose you’ve always dreamed of such as taxes, deductibles on insurance and credit card traveling abroad. Since accommodations can be a sizeable debt. portion of the expense, consider finding a couple who lives Wiggle room is basically the ‘what if’ scenarios we all need to consider. where you’d like to visit and arrange for a house swap. Wiggle room is basically the ‘what if’ scenarios we all Perhaps modifying a vacation goal means exploring areas need to consider. We’re painfully aware of the most recent closer to home and using your own power (rather than the economic downturn, so anticipating another is easy to do, horsepower of 4-wheelers, motorbikes, or motorboats). but we also need to consider what effects future inflation will have and how we will deal with diminishing health. Resource assessment: Identify and evaluate the resources that you still have and develop a new, more conservative The reduction or total consumption of the golden nest egg approach that still has some wiggle room in it. is a loss from which millions of Americans are attempting to recover. For many, it will not be possible to return to Particularly for those who have been reduced to just a their previous financial status, but as is the case with so Social Security income, consider the following: many aspects of life, how one responds often determines the final outcome. A positive attitude, a willingness to a. Would Medicaid assistance for health-related issues be seek creative, alternative objectives, and a determination appropriate? to control those aspects of your financial resources that are possible should provide good results. b. Would a Reverse Mortgage enable you to tap into the equity in your home? © 2009 Beth French Beth French is an insurance and *financial services representative and a native of Delta County, c. Is there someone with whom you could share living Colorado. She graduated from Colorado State University with a degree in English Education, expenses? which helps her to communicate effectively with her clients. She has been in business for 13 years. Beth offers an integrated planning service which d. Is it time to ‘scale down’, recouping some can include planning and implementation of proceeds from the sale of your home? life insurance, college funding, retirement, and long-term care. In addition, she has a basic understanding of estate planning and works closely with estate planning experts. She utilizes the Circle of Wealth® system to help her clients avoid e. For those who still have some resources left, in addition financial transfers away from their personal circle of wealth. Beth to Social Security and perhaps a pension, you may be is president of the Delta County Senior Resource Council, Assistant Coach for Delta High School Cross Country, and is active in her familiar with the concept of “asset allocation”. Maybe local church. [email protected] it’s time to also consider “product allocation”, meaning *SECURITIES OFFERED THROUGH SUNSET FINANCIAL SERVICES, INC., in addition to the appropriate (for you) combination of 3520 BROADWAY, KANSAS CITY, MO 64111, 816-753-7000 (HOME OFFICE) MEMBER FINRA/SIPC. French Insurance & Financial Services, Inc. is not *mutual funds focusing on specific categories, you should affiliated with SFS. have additional products such as fixed annuities, income

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 25 Understanding MILITARY LOSS

Arlington National Cemetery

On November 22, 2006, our lives came to a screeching Visiting Our Loved One’s Grave halt. On that day, we were notified that our son, Pvt. Heath We learned early on that visiting Heath’s grave would D. Warner, had been killed by a roadside IED (improvised become an experience of support and camaraderie. On our explosive device) in the Al Anbar province in Iraq. That first visit in early April 2007, we met Theresa Priestner, was the saddest day of our lives and has forever changed whose husband, John, had been killed just three weeks our family. In the midst of coming to terms with our loss, before Heath. We shared stories and exchanged contact Melissa and I had to make the decision of where to bury information. Little did we know from that chance meeting Heath. Our casualty support officer suggested a local that our families would become friends. In addition military cemetery; however, friends and family suggested to other similarities, we discovered we would both be the Arlington National Cemetery. We approached the attending the TAPS conference later that spring and we subject with our CSO and he said Heath qualified to be pledged to reconnect then. During that same visit, a buried there. We knew that having Arlington as his final woman named Holly approached us. She asked if we were resting place would be an honor but we also wanted to the parents of Pvt. Heath Warner and she said she was have him close to home in Ohio. We struggled with the expecting us! In the small world of Arlington other family decision. members who had visited previously had mentioned we would be visiting that weekend. We learned she was the Arlington National Cemetery has always been a special individual taking photos of Heath’s grave and posting them place to the Warner family. In the early years of our on his Arlington website. She even had cookies for us. marriage, Melissa and I, and later our children, lived in Virginia Beach and we would often travel through In May, we attended the TAPS seminar in Washington, Washington, DC, on our way to visit family in Ohio. DC, and quickly made our way to Heath’s grave on Friday We always had a great time visiting the monuments and afternoon. When we arrived we saw many families at Arlington National Cemetery. Heath especially was the cemetery including Theresa and her friend Cathy just mesmerized by the honor guard at the Tomb of the Chay, whose husband, Kyu, had been killed the previous Unknown Soldier. He would stand at attention and salute October. What we observed during that visit was inter- the soldiers. One of my fondest memories is of him esting. Families had made the pilgrimage to their loved watching the ceremony in spellbound admiration. Because ones’ graves and had brought lawn chairs, blankets and of the honor, its history, and the special place Arlington refreshments. Moreover, I was amazed by the interaction had in our hearts, we knew this was to be his final resting between the families as well as visitors. It was apparent place. Heath was buried on December 12, 2006 in Section that one doesn’t just visit Arlington Cemetery; it is a desti- 60 – the part of the cemetery where those killed in the nation. Families visiting the grave of their own fallen hero current conflict are laid to rest. were reaching out to the other families nearby. Over the course of the weekend, Theresa, Cathy, Melissa and I spent much time together visiting our loved ones’ graves. Yes,

26 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com Understanding Military Loss

Section 60

by Scott Warner www.dreamstime.com there were tears, stories and laughter, but also compassion A Community of Healing and understanding. We could take off the masks we wear On our most recent visit, we arrived on a very hot Saturday on a daily basis to survive in the other world and be real afternoon. As we ate Twizzlers, one of Heath’s favorite about our pain. We met many new friends and found treats, a woman named Renee approached us. We said comfort and healing as we shared our deep pain and loss. “hello” and I offered her a Twizzler, which she accepted. We ended up talking with her for an hour and a half. Her The Angels Around Us husband had been killed in a training exercise 10 years While visiting Heath’s grave again that Sunday, we were prior, but we connected immediately to her loss, pain, and approached by a lovely middle-aged woman who asked sadness. We related with her because we were there, too. if we were the parents of Heath Warner. We told her that I was reminded again, that for those of us who have our we were and she shared that she had adopted our son’s loved ones buried at Arlington National Cemetery, we are grave. In fact, she had adopted seven boys’ graves and part of a community. It is a different kind of community, attended to them on a weekly basis. She provided flowers, but nonetheless real. We share a loss, sadness, pain and a water, kept the stones clean and prayed for their families. loneliness that only another member understands. When How moving and comforting that was to hear. Despite we come together, we are drawn to each other. We can our physical separation from Heath, God had sent an listen, cry, laugh, share stories, and truly understand angel to provide what we could not. Since then, we have where the other person is coming from. In turn, through exchanged contact information and have kept in touch. In our suffering, we are able to reach out to help another fact, just recently, we returned to Arlington to visit Heath hurting soul which really helps us heal. In the midst of and our new friend came to call on us. Of course we had such darkness, there is light and hope. Arlington National it all setA out –Community lawn chairs, blanket, sunblock, cooler, and Cemeteryof is anHealing amazing place to visit and it is much pictures to reminisce over. Our new friend stopped by more than a place to remember, it is also a community of to visit and invited us to dinner. We had a wonderful healing. evening. She shared with us that after Heath was buried © 2007 Scott Warner, and as she was attending to her other soldiers she felt Melissa, Chandler and Ashton Warner drawn to Heath’s grave. She felt as if he was calling to her. Parents and Brothers to USMC Pvt. Heath Warner To learn more of Heath’s legacy visit www.PvtHeathWarner.com She returned to his grave and said, “OK, God, what do you Contact Scott for public speaking events. want me to do?” From that point on Heath became one of This article first appeared in Volume 13, Issue 3, 2007 of TAPS her boys. As amazing as our own angel is, there are many Magazine. 1-800-959-TAPS www.TAPS.org angels attending to the graves of our fallen heroes. Melissa TAPS provides ongoing emotional help, hope and healing to all who are and I met several other individuals and families who have grieving the death of a loved one in military service to America, regardless of relationship to the deceased, geography, or circumstance of the death. adopted graves. It is inspiring to watch them care for the TAPS meets its mission by providing peer-based support, crisis care, graves of our fallen heroes – strangers to them in life but casualty casework assistance, and grief and trauma resources. 24 hour helpline: 800-959-TAPS (8277) www.taps.org now part of their own family.

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 27 Gift of EXPERIENCE

taken sometime in October 2004 when Joseph was 3½-years-old. This framed picture was found in the last box that I pulled down and Validations when it was unwrapped, I This forum is dedicated to all the bereaved who believe that their gasped as it caught my breath loved one who has died can somehow through various means right away. Here, in a frame, give them a sign that their spirit survived death. In my workshops, was Joseph’s obvious pure I have heard thousands of stories that support this phenomenon. joy and exuberance combined In all cases, those whom have experienced a sign find comfort with a zest for living. knowing that their loved one lives on in another sphere of existence. This is an immeasurable catharsis for the grieving Tell me, what do you see in soul and validates their belief that love never dies. If you have the leaves in the air? experienced a posthumous message from a loved one please send your story for possible inclusion in this column. If you see a heart you are correct. I call it “Leaves of Thank you, Mitch Carmody © Kimberly Perlmutter Love”. Undoubtedly, feelings of pure joy and utter amazement flooded my being as I gazed Dear Mitch, at this picture of my son. I recalled in an instant the energy Joseph, my precious, sensitive, active, intelligent, only child and flashbacks of the times we shared when the photo was died in a blink of an eye November 8, 2005 at 4½-years-old. taken. It was right after his nap on a warm October afternoon. The last holiday he celebrated was Halloween. When Joseph was soooo excited to see this pile of leaves waiting for Joseph was in his costume of choice he truly embodied him. I can still recount the multiple times of him again and Buzz Lightyear - racing so fast and repeating all of the again rolling himself all around and begging for me to rake Buzz phrases from the movie Toy Story. Of course we had the pile higher... no clue that he would be “to the moon and back” literally a mere week later. The first two years following his shocking A “smiley” face in the clouds appeared on a very overcast and and unexpected death left me virtually a walking zombie cloudy Northern California day in November 2007, on the and I was unable to do most any of my normal activities at second anniversary of Joey’s death. While we were driving home much less interact with the real world. My husband, back from a solitude getaway of just Daddy and Mommy, seeing me a devastated and walking shell of my former self, Daddy stopped the car and I was mesmerized by the cloud commented that he not only lost his son, he also lost his wife formations in the sky. When I was taking in this panorama I in the bargain. realized that, between the pines, there was a perfect ‘smiley face’ right in the clouds. Joseph loved ‘smiley faces’ and again September 28 is my birthday and it used to be a special, fun gifted us with a sign to brighten our hearts on the darkest and happy celebration. After Joseph died I had no desire to of days. I titled a photo I took as “The Son Comes Out on a celebrate with friends or family, nor did I feel like I wanted Cloudy Day.” to be another year older. The day after my birthday I forced myself to take out the dusty boxes of Halloween decorations © 2009 Kimberly Perlmutter from the garage. Joseph adored decorating our home together. His Daddy and older sisters wanted nothing to do with this Dear Kimberly, time-consuming production but they admitted it was nice to Thank you so much for sharing your Joseph and his amazing signs. Both are clear examples of what I call “soul speak”, the see. After skipping Halloween the previous year, I steeled language of signs. The heart in the leaves is a perfect example myself up and decided to do it. I thought I would just ‘try’ of the soul generating a sign prior to actual physical death, as one box at a time, unwrapping the pumpkins, witches, ghosts, if Joseph on some deep level may have known his destiny. The spiders and other Halloween trinkets collected over the years ‘smiley face’ in the clouds is unmistakable and is an example of and placing them where I always had. apophenia - the mind’s ability to recognize familiar images from natural occurring phenomenon. Joseph speaks loud and clear; you have an amazing boy. That day, September 29, 2007, I started to ‘live’ again. In going through those boxes and setting things out, I found a Peace, Love & Light, very special birthday gift for “Mommy” in one of them. Lo Mitch Carmody and behold, I found this framed photograph of Joseph that none of us remembered having taken, but we know it was Living With Loss™ Contributing Columnist

28 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com Gift of EXPERIENCE

a bedtime. I suspect she did, because that night she received a Defeating the proof - a vital beginning step. Doubt is a silent killer. We transmit feelings of doubt to others De-Motivator through subtleties in our body language, facial expression, by Robert Evans Wilson, Jr. and tone of voice. It is picked up subconsciously by those with whom we communicate. Worse than that, we commu- nicate it to ourselves, and it seeps into our performance. Doubt is the De-Motivator and all too often it prevents us from even trying.

We all suffer doubt occasionally and its cure is always the same: proof. Proof that we are indeed talented enough to do what we set out to do. A proof doesn’t need to be big to eliminate doubt. A series of little ones can be just as effective.

I keep a journal – a log – of accomplishments. Both small and large, because they all add up to reasons for believing in my abilities. It is especially important to log the little ones, because they are so easy to forget or overlook, and yet they carry tremendous weight when it comes to giving ourselves

www.dreamstime.com confidence.

The sweet strains of a Puccini aria cut through the Saturday You say, “I’m just starting out and have no accomplishments.” night clatter of the busy Italian restaurant in New York City, That just means you’re not looking in the right places. We but it wasn’t coming from the aging voice of the Sicilian all have successes; some of them may be found in different baritone who was hired to belt out favorites like “Funiculi- areas of your life. I often read in the Wall Street Journal Funicula.” It was a soprano whose crystal clear voice filled about women, who after years as stay-at-home moms, return the room. Within moments all the ambient noise came to to the workforce in well-paid management positions. They a halt. Diners stopped eating and talking, busboys stopped acquire these jobs by citing in their resumes the many skills clearing tables; the cooks even came out of the kitchen. and achievements they learned through their volunteer work. Singing on the tiny stage was the skinny moon-faced waitress What talents are you racking up through your hobbies and from Ohio. The Sicilian heard she studied opera, so he invited leisure activities? her to join him, but what began as a duet ended in solo as Sometimes proof comes to us by comparing ourselves to he, too, was mesmerized by the beauty of her voice. When others. Simply ask yourself, “Out of all the people who have she finished, the place thundered in applause and I saw tears ever lived, how many have attained what I want?” The sheer of gratitude glistening in her eyes. She had hit each note numbers alone will often be all the proof you need. perfectly. When all else fails, fall back on faith. Some of the most If only she had done that when she auditioned for the Metro- successful people in the world had absolutely no proof that politan Opera. But she choked, flinched, allowed a seed of they could achieve their dreams. All they had was a strong doubt to creep into her consciousness and thus her voice. desire and a belief in themselves. As Martin Luther King, Jr. She told me her story over a couple of beers after work. It was once said, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the fall of 1984, and I was a fellow waiter at the restaurant; the whole staircase, just take the first step.” just another struggling artist in the city that never sleeps. © 2009 Robert Evans Wilson, Jr. She explained that she got nervous during her audition and Robert Evans Wilson, Jr. is a motivational speaker and humorist. He couldn’t hit the high notes. She would get one more chance to works with companies that want to be more competitive and with audition, but she would have to wait an entire year. people who want to think like innovators. For more information on Robert’s programs please visit www.jumpstartyourmeeting.com. This article appeared in the Un-Comfort Zone, a monthly column I never found out if she made it; as a writer my art is portable that explores the many aspects of motivation from inspiring others (employees, customers, volunteers, even family members), to and a few months later I moved to a city where they still have self-motivation—which is especially important in today’s economy.

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 29 Gift of EXPERIENCE

National Survivors of Suicide Day: A Day of Healing for Survivors of Suicide Loss

Every person who dies by suicide leaves behind survivors – loved ones left shocked, grieving, and struggling to understand and cope with their heartbreaking loss. Many survivors feel isolated and alone, wondering if anyone understands their pain. The reality is, within our lifetime, 20% of us will lose a family member to suicide and 60% of us will know someone who will die by suicide.

With this in mind, Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.), a survivor of his own father’s suicide, brought the challenge of coping with suicide loss into the national spotlight in 1999 by helping to pass Resolution 99 through the U.S. Senate, which declared the Saturday before Thanks- by Joanne L. Harpel, J.D. M.Phil., AFSP Director giving “National Survivors of Suicide Day.” Each year on this day, of Survivor Initiatives and Rebecca Thorp, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) sponsors a Manager of Survivor Initiatives program to reach out to survivors and help them express and understand the powerful emotions they experience.

The 11th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day is taneously watch an AFSP broadcast created especially Saturday, November 21, 2009. for this day. The broadcast includes a blend of emotional support and information about resources for healing. A Over 175 simultaneous local conferences will take place panel of ‘seasoned’ survivors of suicide loss and mental in communities throughout the U.S. and internationally in health professionals discuss their experiences and address countries like Canada, Australia, Italy, India, Kenya, and the questions that so many survivors face: Why did this South Africa. This unique network of healing conferences happen? How do I cope? Where can I find support? helps survivors connect with others who have survived the tragedy of suicide loss, both within their own community “Their stories help me know that eventually I’ll be okay.” and around the world. For many, National Survivors of Suicide Day is the very first time they’ve ever met anyone Individual conference sites often add additional local else who has lost someone to suicide. programming before or after the broadcast, which may include presentations by local survivors or mental health “The entire day was comforting, informative and helpful professionals, or breakout groups based on relationship – A real blend of personal stories and current information, loss. presented with compassion and sensitivity.” Survivors can participate even if there isn’t a local “Knowing that the same program was happening all over conference in their area or, if they find it too difficult the world gave me [a sense of] connectedness. It was to attend in person, by watching the live webcast on healing for me.” their home computer and joining in a live online chat afterwards. After its live premier on National Survivors of Each conference is independently organized, but attendees Suicide Day, the webcast is then saved online for a full two around the world are linked together in spirit as they simul-

30 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com years afterwards, so survivors his own life. Curt was 61-years-old can watch it again, free of charge, and a geologist; Marie was 59 and anytime. an elementary school teacher and librarian. Cari has worked as a www.dreamstime.com This year’s panel of survivors: crew member on AFSP’s Out of the A Poem in Memory Darkness Overnight Walk. of Benjamin: Rob Desmond, of CT, lost his older brother, Jerome, in 1997. Jerome No one should have to cope with the Eight Years Ago loved the game of hockey and taught aftermath of suicide alone. Please Rob how to skate, instilling in his visit www.afsp.org to learn how you Since we bid thee farewell eight younger brother a lifelong love can participate by: years ago, that bleak morning many tears for hockey. Rob is on the board of did shed. AFSP’s Boston Chapter, and is a • attending a local conference, Into cavernous depths we volunteer with its Survivor Outreach • organizing a conference site in your lowered thee… Program. area, to souls long before art thou wed. • watching the live webcast on Michael Keenan, also of CT, lost November 21, 2009 and joining the I want you to know I’ve lived his 20-year-old son, Michael Joseph live online chat, or as well… Keenan, to suicide in 2004. Michael • watching webcasts from previous as best I could…I have tried. was a culinary student and to honor years at anytime, free of charge Nary a morn, noon or eve has his memory, the Keenan family has passed established an annual scholarship that If you have questions, please e-mail couldn’t ever help myself but cried. goes to a graduating senior with an [email protected] or interest in culinary arts. call 1-888-333-AFSP, ext 33. I’ve felt so bad all these years, when your days of youth deprived Doris Smith, of Atlanta, GA, lost her The American Foundation for Suicide with sickness that stole so much of 27-year-old son, Mark, in 1992. He Prevention (AFSP) is the leading your strength was a singer, writer, percussionist, national not-for-profit organization from our well that might otherwise have thrived. arranger, and producer who had also exclusively dedicated to under- been studying for the ministry. Doris standing and preventing suicide Much like you, what could we do is a founder of the National Organi- through research, education, and when alone we left you to lie… zation of People of Color Against advocacy, and to reaching out to Living our lives lest we stray Suicide (NOPCAS). people with mental disorders and from our faith well worn and tried. those impacted by suicide. The

Carla Stumpf-Patton was 9 months Survivor Initiatives Dept. of AFSP It is hard to explain these pregnant with her first child when her provides resources, support, and infor- feelings I have husband, D.I. Sgt. Rich Stumpf, U.S. mation for those who are bereaved without you eight years I live. Marine Corps, a 24-year-old Gulf after suicide, as well as a training As each day passes, I can’t but think War veteran, killed himself. Carla program that teaches survivors how My life for yours I wouldst give. is now completing her Doctorate to facilitate a peer support group. studies in Counseling Psychology and Visit our website at www.afsp.org/ © 2008 Alan D. Busch facilitates a monthly support group. survivingsuicideloss.

Cari Wheat was 29-years-old in © 2009 Joanne L. Harpel 2003 when her father, Curt, who had Rebecca Thorp suffered from depression for many years, killed her mother and took

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When the addict stops his/her acting-out behavior, it is Grieving the Loss of a Friend: essential that they come to an acceptance that they can never go back to their drug of choice. Relapse is always a choice for the recovering addict and there is no guarantee The Drug of of ever regaining recovery once it is lost.

Once the addict has let go of his/her addictive behavior, One’s Choice adjusting to life without it is imperative. Sending away by André Mathieu, C.P. our friend, the addiction, creates a vacuum in our lives. Humans cannot live in a vacuum for long. The void has to be filled. Trusted friends, support groups, reaching out to “Major addiction,” wrote Gerald May in his timely book, others, church, synagogue, mosque, volunteering services Addiction and Grace, 1988, “is the sacred disease of our and good hobbies are some avenues to be explored. If time.” Human beings have a deep longing for love: a the addict does not successfully adjust to life without his/ hunger to love, to be loved and to move closer to the her friend, then they will soon return to the addiction with Source of love. Addictive behavior is a reality that turns more passion than ever. Addiction is progressive. us away from love. May defines addiction as a “state of compulsion, obsession, or preoccupation that enslaves a Relocating this friend and moving on with life is intimately person’s will or desire.” Instead of moving in freedom connected with adjusting to life without the friend. towards God and others, we find ourselves ‘nailed’ to Acceptance of the addiction is a must, but one’s focus specific objects, behaviors or people. We become driven, in life has to change. The addiction may no longer rule fixated within ourselves rather than open to unlimited a person’s life and dominate one’s feelings, thinking or possibilities. behavior. This shift brings a person a freedom that they have never known before. Addiction can finally bring us to our knees with a realization that we are powerless in the face of our A fifth and ongoing task of the journey of grief is wrestling compulsions and that only God can restore us to freedom with one’s spiritual issues. The struggle with addiction is and sanity (right living). We have but to make a choice an integral part of the spiritual warfare that all persons of to turn to a God of unconditional love, surrendering our good will engage in. In letting go of my addictive friend will and lives to God’s care. Recovery lies in a ‘spiritual and in grieving that loss, I find my truest self; I find my awakening’ that is in seeking the God of our understanding God and I find others – perhaps for the first time in my life. who will enter into our brokenness and bring about healing – not an eradication of our defects but the daily grace © 2007 André Mathieu to handle them. Healing takes place not in isolation but André Mathieu is a member of the Passionists, a Roman Catholic through honest sharing with others, especially in Twelve religious community. He took his Vows as a Brother in 1962. He holds an M.A. in Pastoral Theology from Boston College and an M.S. Step fellowship. in Gerontology from the College of New Rochelle, NY, as well as a Certificate in Thanatology. He is certified in Death and Dying by ADEC, the Association for Death Education and Counseling. He Addiction has been our best friend for years, ever-ready can be reached at [email protected]. to comfort us when we have been anxious. Sending this friend away can leave us feeling vulnerable. We grieve, and we can learn to live without the addiction. J. William Worden, in his classic handbook, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, 2002, suggests four tasks of grieving:

1 – to accept the reality of the loss; 2 – to acknowledge and work through the pain of grief; 3 – to adjust to life without the love object; 4 – to emotionally relocate the love object and move on with life. www.istockphoto.com

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The kitchen, the room designated You can find inexpensive ones at a home. Often it is easier to decide for food preparation and eating, is Dollar Store or even T.J. Maxx. It when you want to go out and when considered the heart of the home in could have the colors you like, a to stay home and this option can be many cultures. When people gather motif or even a piece of art that is helpful for both of you. it creates a natural haven for conver- important to you. Little pleasures like sation, fellowship and nourishment. these are non-threatening and if you Open up to Opportunities. The first Nurturing yourself with good food change your mind, the investment time my mother and I went out to that supports you is important at all was not great. Using a nice piece dinner, I cried at the bar as we waited times, but especially during grief with of crystal stemware or a china plate for our table. She inquired what was the potential stressors of change. often reserved for special occasions so amiss. I spilled forth, “I don’t is also pampering. Why wait? want to be a barfly.” She chuckled Savor the Start. Start your day Celebrate the progress you have lovingly and hugged me. Expressing by honoring the progress you are made, as little as it may seem. yourself is great. New experiences making. Ideas might include a new can be trying but can be rewarding mug filled with your favorite drink, Consider Carryout. Getting as well. She found “barfly” napkins the lighting of a new candle as you carryout and going to a local park to at a novelty store and now we had prepare breakfast or the reading eat is another option for your solo a standing joke. Shortly after my of a fresh quote from an inspiring dining experiences. You may be solo, husband died, my father did as well. book. Honoring yourself for your but watching nature or a ball game We laughed with our new roles but achievements with gratitude can be a or hearing children play can have could cry with our common stories. great morning platform. a soothing effect and change your perspective if only for a short period Nourishing your entire body to Support Yourself. With change of time. It may be a great spot to support your new activities is of arises opportunities to create new share with your dog as well. utmost importance in moving patterns to support yourself. It through grief. If your eating spot could be having dinner in a newly Request the Best. When friends has changed, make certain it is created space or simply adding a do ask what they can do for you, comfortable, bright, and colorful in new routine. If you find that the maybe this is the time to ask for flavor. You deserve the best! television is your dinner partner, go some mini meals that will freeze. © 2009 Susan W. Reynolds with that. Set yourself a portable tray You will benefit both from the Susan W. Reynolds is President of Revival in the kitchen that can hold a plate, support of friends and sharing food Redesign in Austin, Texas, and a certified cup and condiments. Place a colorful that can nourish you. Receiving interior redesigner and home stager specialist. Susan is a syndicated blogger washable placemat underneath it is as important as giving, so look with Growthhouse.org and encourages for quick clean-ups and to prevent for opportunities to share this time. everyone to create “Room for Change” in their lives! This article was previously sliding. Consider buying yourself Maybe your friends could present published by Growthhouse.org and used with the author’s permission. a new place setting to bring some you with a packet of ‘coupons’ for a [email protected]. newness to the dining experience. selected number of dinners at their

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Walking by the river today, as the a trail of bloody footprints on the sun rolled behind the rim of the driveway and the kitchen floor. Uncompaghre Plateau, I was dazzled Bare Bones Those moments also left a trail in my by the contrast of snow against brown body. I can feel the heat of that scar earth. In the late afternoon chill, I now, linking me to my sticky feet, recognized the bare-boned soul of my sour stomach, and my mother’s winter: hard ground, stark trees and Landscape shoulder encircling mine in the brittle grass. This landscape, dusty by Judith Boice, N.D., L.Ac. emergency room. green in the summer, is now laid bare. I see animal traces I had never noticed in My body, like the winter snow, shows the weedy-green tangle of summer. The ever more clearly the trails I’ve taken. snow reveals those trails, as clear as I have marks, scars, furrows and tracings on the highway map. depressions that mark my physical journey. Experience presses the soft Dog tracks follow the cement path in an clay of my flesh and shapes the bones even rhythm. Bird prints meander and and ligaments by force of habit, the then disappear, the moment of flight vagaries of accidents and, dare I say, leaving no hint in the powdery stillness. ‘chance’? I see also a scattering of down and the Gradually, and I pray gracefully, this discarded tail feathers of a sparrow. vehicle is passing away, returning to a From the surrounding marks in the bare bones landscape. I haven’t entered snow, I know a hungry hawk found my elder years yet; I’m tentatively satisfaction in that place. approaching. As Caitlin Matthews says Just as the seasons turn, the wheel of of her own menopausal journey, “I the year revolving unceasingly from don’t feel I have become a crone. That cold to thaw to blaze to decline, so, too, will happen when my bits start to drop do we cycle as humans. In the spring off.” of human life, we enter childhood with Winter reminds me of that final release facile minds and quickly germinating in the utter simplicity of a snowy bodies. Summer, or adolescence, is landscape. In this landscape, soft flesh also marked by quick growth and the meets hard-edged experience. I carry heat of emotional maturation. In our that marriage within me, every day. I adult years, we harvest the autumnal

www.dreamstime.com can feel, and others can see, where the fruits of our labor and begin to look hard edges have snagged and shaped inward for sustenance. Our elder years, their eyes. Worry, deep listening and my form. marked with snowy white, are the concentration have plowed creases season of giving away all that we have Some day I’ll be plain, so gracefully between their eyebrows. All of those accumulated, physically, mentally, simple, in my winter form. Stark white emotions are recorded in the soft emotionally and spiritually. We may hair will flow over freckled skin like furrows in the earth. giveaway with agonized regret or fields of snow with sun-cleared patches. joyous release. Willingly or woefully, On my own body, my fingers trace the I admire the earth now, so sensuous in in the winter of our lives we cast aside faint thickening above my pubic bone, full surrender. I pray I may wear my the old shell and prepare for new where the surgeon’s knife opened my furrowed, sun-dried body, with all of its beginnings. boys’ passage into the world. That line life tracings, with equal grace. also marks the severing of my dream Now, in the cold bones of winter, I can of a perfect birth and our surrender to see the traces, scars and markings on © 2009 Judith Boice Creator’s chosen path into this world. the land. Everything is laid bare, with Judith Boice is an award-winning author, naturopathic physician, licensed no vegetation to hide the marks. I also have a scar cresting on my acupuncturist and single mother of twin forehead, just at the hairline. At boys. She has written eight books, including I can see those same traces clearly Menopause with Science and Soul: A four-years-old, I fell backwards off a outlined in the faces and bodies of Guidebook for Navigating the Journey. raised metal pool in a friend’s back For more information, please visit www. beloved elders. Their bodies, their yard; my head landed on a pile of drjudithboice.com. earth, carry the markings of their lives. bricks. I walked home wailing, leaving Laughter has dug deep furrows around

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ashram, to the upper floors.” The to humor and intellectual analysis; ashram’s public address system blares and then to letting in the stark reality Nothing is an announcement in 18 languages of lorries smashed into tree trunks, for everyone to climb to safety. Ten fishing boats split to pieces like Permanent thousand guests have gathered for a matchsticks, villagers grieving for by Savitri L. Bess Sunday program, and another 4,000 their dead. In the days that followed, Indian and Western ashram residents I observed our ashram’s immediate have been engaged in daily routines. and compassionate response—the emergency medical aid, the mass We all wait for the second wave, “the cremation, cleanup, sheltering and killer wave.” feeding the homeless, the rebuilding of lives, of homes, of fishing boats Only retrospect releases the story, and, above all, the restoration of and only piece by piece—your spirit. story, your friends’ stories, and the

www.dreamstime.com villagers’. Even then will any of us When I returned from India after the Kerala, India, near the shores of ever really comprehend it? What tsunami, I holed up in my apartment the Arabian Sea: On a seemingly about the morning of? Had anyone for a week. I couldn’t escape feelings normal, hot day, with jungle birds felt what was coming, the way horses of grief, images of untold loss and whistling in the coconut palms, a and elephants do? I didn’t. How suffering. And, my undeniable sense lone, pole-driven canoe carrying a was I to imagine a wave bursting that my life had been irrevocably European couple on a pleasure ride through the brick wall around the changed. I couldn’t find the beginning glides along the backwaters. On the temple complex, flattening villagers’ or end of sadness, or grasp the awe opposite bank I wait for the small palm-frond huts and even cement of witnessing something so huge. motor ferry to carry me across to houses, sweeping all away? Who And so I was compelled to share. the narrow peninsula, to the Mata would know we would then spend Maybe if I could hear my own words Amritanandamayi Math’s ashram in five days in a refugee camp? and study the faces of those listening Amritapuri where I’ve been staying. to my story, I might somehow find One day at our camp, some of us sat The pleasure canoe drifts alongside meaning in an otherwise incompre- chopping vegetables for the three the ashram boat jetty and moors; the hensible experience. With words meals a day our ashram served to over man helps the woman step out and often catching in my throat, I spoke at 15,000 villagers. While we worked, they stroll away. various gatherings. Here I was, a local an Indian woman recapped a story person who had been in the tsunami Seconds later, crows scatter, our guru Ammachi had told us many everyone had seen on TV, bringing squawking, flying around like crazy. times over the years, about a little home the message, creating an act of A flash flood of gray water full of bird living on a dead twig, happy community, bridging worlds. And I debris surges through gullies and there despite knowing that some day continue to delve into my experience shoots into the backwaters, capsizing the twig would break. Sure enough, on that day after Christmas in 2004, the pleasure canoe. the twig snapped, and the little bird and the aftermath, as I write a book simply flew away. The woman who on how to prepare for and recover “Tsunami,” I hear someone say, as I retold the story wobbled her head from disaster. head to high ground. from side to side Indian-style and said, “Nothing is permanent, isn’t it.” © 2009 Savitri L. Bess Savitri L. Bess, meditation teacher and At the same time, on the peninsula hospice volunteer, holds master’s degrees across the backwaters, minutes from I reflected on how easy it had been to in fiber arts and psychological counseling. assume that I would never experience Author of The Path of the Mother Ballantine the ashram, sea water recedes to (2000), Savitri has lived in ashrams in India about 40 feet beyond the average tidal calamity personally; calamities only and the USA for a good part of her adult life; she now lives and writes in Maine. mark. Many delight in the exposed happened elsewhere. The experience Please visit her blog, www.suddendeath- expanse of beach. A messenger had left me numb with shock and suddenlife.blogspot.com and her website, www.pathofthemother.com. comes running. “Quick. Run to the fear; and then in denial, resorting

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My life is tethered to a number few people directly experience. I found it, not through books have ever heard of: a Gleason score of 7. It’s a or contemplation, but hospice volunteering with measure of prostate cancer severity that ranges children and adults who were dying. Hospice from a forgettable 1 to a terminal 9. My lucky 7 isn’t a place; it’s a state of mind, a willingness to places me on the cusp of living and dying. Not compassionately accompany someone on their a particularly comfortable neighborhood to take final journey, not judgmentally, but as a friend up residence, but one in which I’m forced to live. who is willing to hold one’s hand, cry or just by Stan Goldberg During the operation to remove the prostate, my witness the end of life. surgeon found that the cancer spread beyond As I walked that path, I watched the joy of a the prostate gland and into one of the lymph woman whose mouth was wired closed as she nodes. Three weeks after the operation we jointly smelled a fragrant slice of apple and I learned to decided what to do about it. accept what’s possible rather than what’s desired. “You have two choices,” he said. I sat with a musician who was listening for the last time to a Gregg concerto and I understood the “To live or to die?” I responded with gallows beauty of things that had no words. As I played humor. I only became alarmed when he didn’t Chutes and Ladders with a child, I felt grief for smile. the first time in my life and cried as he told me “The first is waiting until the PSA number rises. A he knew this would be our last game. When I rising PSA indicates the cancer cells are growing. embraced my patient’s journey as my own, the When it happens, we’ll start female hormone frightening image of death was transformed into a therapy. The hormones will reduce your level of great teacher. testosterone, which feeds the cancer cells.” Most of the lessons, such as the power of “And the second?” I asked. forgiveness, may have sounded mundane to me until I saw the profound consequences it had for “To start immediately.” a lonely man whose last wish was to be forgiven “Which has the best chance of killing the by his sister. Others, such as the importance of cancer?” kindness, may have sounded like a cliché to me, “Neither.” until I witnessed how a simple act infused with it overcame a woman’s lifetime of misery and Neither? Although he kept talking, it was as if he self-loathing. was speaking an unintelligible foreign language. Eventually, I heard English again. “Hormone Being in the presence of people who are dying therapy won’t kill the cancer cells no matter when opened doors behind which I found wisdom we start. It just prevents them from growing.” unobtainable through any other experience. In the 15th Century, the Ars Moriendi, or “Art It was the first time I realized they’d be there of Dying,” published by the Catholic Church forever, flowing through my body, waiting, and provided practical guidance for the dying and getting hungrier with time. They’d be back—not those attending them. The book summarized today or tomorrow, but someday. in one sentence the lessons I learned from my Within two weeks of the first injection, I felt teachers: Learn to die and you shall live, for there my body changing. Nothing dramatic, rather it shall be none who learn to truly live who have was more like watching an overripe tomato start not learned to die. to rot. First came the hot flashes, then I gained © 2009 Stan Goldberg weight, followed by exhaustion and finally Excerpted from the introduction to “Lessons for moodiness. As my life became more disrupted, I the Living: Stories of Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Courage at the End of Life” Shambhala (2009) by read how-to and inspirational books, each filled Stan Goldberg, professor emeritus in Communicative with vast amounts of information about cancer Disorders. This article previously appeared in the San Francisco State Magazine, Spring-Summer 2009. For and consoling words about how to live with more information, visit www.stangoldbergwriter.com Learning From Our Losses it. But I needed something I could grasp and 36 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications,7 Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com Gift of EXPERIENCE

An InsurmountableGrief Reconsidered

by Miki Novak Strom www.dreamstime.com Are marriages doomed to collapse intended the statistic to be a reliable ensured that all medical avenues under the weight of grief after the scientific number, but rather was were explored to save their child. death of a child? The answer is no – pointing out the need for support after • No one reported that they and and that may surprise you. the death of a child because men and their spouses had always grieved women tend to grieve differently. together. This suggests that it I wish someone had told me. Unfortunately, many marriage is important for couples to be Instead, when our baby Rachel died, counselors, bereavement therapists supportive and responsive to their well-intentioned friends advised and speakers came to accept that partner’s grief, but also allow them us to get counseling as soon as statistic as fact and even inflate it. emotional space to experience their possible. Condolence notes included grief on their own terms. prayers for our marriage. A neighbor At last, the facts disclosed that her parents divorced Not until 1999 was an empirical A beautiful sadness after the death of her sibling. Even study conducted that attempted to To say that Rachel’s death drew my mother-in-law sent a note a year uncover some facts on this topic. Dr. Gordy and I closer may be true, but after Rachel’s death expressing her Mark Hardt and Dannette Carroll at I certainly wouldn’t call it a ‘silver happiness that our marriage had Montana State University in Billings, lining’ - there is no silver lining when “made it”. It became clear that people Montana, conducted a survey with a baby dies. I did come to realize, believed our grief was so insur- parents whose child had died and however, that there is a beauty in mountable that even a good marriage uncovered some enlightening infor- the sharing of sadness. Although we would be on very shaky ground. mation: have loved ones who tenderly grieved Somewhere along the way, it became • Only 9% of those surveyed with us, at the end of the day there conventional wisdom that marriages divorced after the death of their is only one person who knows the do not survive the death of child. child, far below the national divorce enormity of what I’ve lost. There is rate. According to the study’s only one person who hoped, prayed, The creation of the divorce myth authors, “Instead of serving as a and pleaded with God the way I did. How exactly did this myth get catalyst to separate, it would seem Only one other person on the face started? In 1977, Harriet Schiff, that a child’s death can actually of this big blue marble that loved author of The Bereaved Parent serve to draw couples together.” our daughter as I did in all her tiny, (Penguin Paperbacks) and a bereaved desperate beauty. We are bound by • Feelings of guilt, not blame, were parent herself, ‘guesstimated’ that that loss, that grief, that love. My more predictive of negative marital 75% of marriages would fail within prayer is that you will be, too. months of the death of a child. She feelings after the death of a child. appeared on two very popular Phil This is helpful to me because it © 2009 Miki Novak Strom Donahue shows in 1977 and 1978. suggests that spouses don’t blame Miki Novak Strom is a freelance writer and each other, but rather feel guilty communications consultant who lives with According to The Compassionate her husband and surviving twin in St. Paul, Friends website, Ms. Schiff never that they, themselves, may not have MN. protected their child adequately or

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 37 Poetry www.dreamstime.com www.dreamstime.com You Ask Why I’m Not Pregnant November Eleventh He can’t be replaced. Under the hood the motor idles; Fingers of cancer stole my son, it hums a solo, then dies. And with him, Snapping in the wind, Part of my heart, roots and all. the flag high on a pole Remaining fragments cry breaks the silence. Whenever they hear another mother’s son in pain. No cortege. No mourners. If only I could have a guarantee, A certificate of health . . . The sun alone stands and mocks the quietness; But I can be sure of nothing it holds on to the blue sky. Except taxes and death. The visit calls for drizzling rain. And death has come And taxed me to my limit. Shadows fall like dominoes

© 2009 Diana Savage against stone after stone: Ebony, rose, gray. But the shadows color them all the same – heroes.

© 2009 Rebecca Pinker www.dreamstime.com

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“The Light” of the TCF Worldwide Candle Lighting

by Cathy Seehuetter www.dreamstime.com

I learned of The Compassionate Friends (TCF) shortly Our chapter holds a remembrance program on the night of after my beautiful 15-year-old daughter, Nina, was killed the Worldwide Candle Lighting. We gather together with by an alcohol-impaired driver while my family and I were family and friends at a special program which includes vacationing in Orlando. The funeral director gave me a soloist and a harpist, who provide music to soothe our information about this wonderful self-help organization aching hearts, and comforting readings that speak of hope for bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents. I knew and the love we have for our children who left this world instantly that the sooner I could attend a meeting and be too soon. But the highlight is when each person attending with other people who were suffering child-loss the better. lights their candle for their loved one and speaks their Therefore, I began attending TCF meetings shortly after child’s name: “I light this candle in memory of . . .” and Nina’s death. Through the members, I found ways to variations of the same. In the darkened room, what starts live with the “new normal” that I have unwittingly been as one simple lit candle eventually becomes hundreds, handed. illuminating us in the light of togetherness as we unite in our love for those who died. At that moment, we feel a For example, one of the hardest things that a newly powerful connection to everyone worldwide who lights bereaved parent has to face is all of ‘the firsts’ after their candles for their loved ones. This is the time that our beloved child dies: the first birthday and first holidays family carves out a special place in the holidays that is without them. Seeing the empty place at the dinner table solely for remembering Nina, and for cherishing and is heart-wrenching; we become acutely aware that the supporting each other over the holiday season. Those who absence of their presence is everywhere. cannot join us light a candle at home and we are joined to them by heartstrings. These holiday celebrations are also difficult for extended family members and friends. They want to help ease our Family and friends who understand are key to helping the grief, but are unsure what to do. As the holidays draw newly bereaved survive the challenging holiday season. near, they wonder such things as what traditions to keep or Please light a candle on December 13, 2009, at 7 p.m. make new, whether to mention our child’s name, and how wherever you are, to show your support and compassion to include memories of that child in the family gatherings. for children who have died. We thank you for this simple gesture that means so much. What has helped our family regarding some of those questions during the holiday season is TCF’s annual © 2009 Cathy Seehuetter Worldwide Candle Lighting (WCL) event held the Cathy is a member of The Compassionate Friends’ Board of Directors TCF/St. Paul and the Minnesota Chapter Co-Coordinator second Sunday in December. At 7 p.m. candles are first and newsletter editor. lit in Sydney, Australia. As candles burn down at 7 p.m. in one time zone, candles are lit in the next time zone, Cathy’s daughter, Nina Westmoreland, died on 5/11/1995 (on Cathy’s birthday). She is married and has three surviving children creating a virtual 24-hour circle of light around the globe and four grandchildren. in memory of all children who have died. Cathy has been published in Living with Loss™ magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone and Chicken Soup for the Christian Family Soul. She has given workshops on “Journaling and Writing as a Healing Tool” and “Sudden Death-Vehicular” at TCF National Conferences.

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 39 Gift of EXPERIENCE

A Funeral Director’s Worst Nightmare REPRINTS FROM LIVING WITH LOSS™ A Family’s Sign from Mom MAGAZINE Are you looking for by Nettie E. Springer that special article to share at a workshop or conference? Now Years ago my daughter gave me a Mickey Mouse watch for my birthday. It you can order reprints of articles from Living even played “It’s a Small World” when you pushed a button. With Loss™ Magazine in packets of 25 or more. With just a I was working a funeral service and everything had gone very nicely. click of the mouse, At the end of the service, I walked to the front of the chapel and opened you can order a reprint packet of 25 or more up the casket for the final viewing, placing the casket spray in its proper copies per article to use as handouts. place. (Now this is where the somber moment goes away.) The music Go to www.livingwithloss.com and button on the previously mentioned watch got bumped accidentally. click on REPRINTS-BUY to order $15.00 “It’s a Small World” started playing and, in a chapel with wonderful Or call us at 1.888.604.4673 to acoustics, it could be heard throughout the chapel. I tried to turn it off to purchase a reprint of a specific article not listed online. no avail; it just would not turn off. I wished the floor would just swallow me up. Finally it stopped. Back issues of Living With Loss™ I promptly went over to the family to offer my apology. As I Magazine approached them, they all had smiles on their faces. Thinking the See also our back issue worst, I apologized to them, begging for forgiveness. The oldest availability online at www.livingwithloss.com daughter said, “Please don’t. It was Mom. That was her favorite for $4.00 each. song, she loved Mickey Mouse and it is her way of telling us she is ok, so don’t apologize. We thank Order #9994 $4.00 you for being Mom’s messenger.”

© 2009 Nettie E. Springer Retired funeral service director

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40 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com Harold Ivan Smith, D.Min., FT

Author, Storyteller, Consultant

816-444-5301 [email protected]

On the Road with Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. Alan D. Wolfelt’s Schedule To learn more about each of these presentations, or to contact Alan about bringing him to your community, contact: Center for Loss & Life Transition 3735 Broken Bow Rd Fort Collins, CO 80526 1-970-226-6050 • www.centerforloss.com

November 2009 January 2010 November 3-4 Rochester, NY January 12-13 Hampton, VA November 4 Toronto, ON, Canada February 2010 November 19 Phoenix, AZ February 2 Mt. Pleasant, SC November 17-18 Yuma, AZ February 16-17 Spokane, WA November 13 Aurora, CO February 24-25 Winnipeg, MB, Canada December 2009 December 1-3 Cambridge, ON, Canada LOVE NEVER DIES December 11 Denver, CO By Sandy Goodman December 14-15 Inverness, FL December 15 Lakeland, FL THE BOOK: www.compassionbooks.com THE WEBSITE: www.loveneverdies.net THE COMMUNITY: www.loveneverdies4u.org [email protected] www.loveneverdies.net

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 41 ADVERTISE IN THE MARKETPLACE! Call, fax or e-mail us for details and advertising rates in our magazine and on the website. MARKETPLACE 888-604-4673 • Fax 970-252-1776 • [email protected]

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Finding Your Way After Heaven Cent: A Collection of Pennies from Heaven Your Parent Dies

Richard B. Gilbert, Ph.D., CT Keepsake coin album holds 60 pennies from heaven with photo A compassionate guide for adults insert and spaces for dates! Square grieving the death of a parent. album opens to shape of a cross. Practical suggestions and a “thought, opportunity and prayer” section. $14.95 A penny found is a penny cherished!

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42 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com ADVERTISE IN THE MARKETPLACE! Call, fax or e-mail us for details and advertising rates in our magazine and on the website. MARKETPLACE 888-604-4673 • Fax 970-252-1776 • [email protected]

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www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 43 Products & resources from Bereavement Publications, Inc.

To see our full catalog, visit www.livingwithloss.com To order call: 888-604-4673 • Order Form on page 46 Gifts from the for the Holiday Season Unique ideas for your holiday bereavement program, memorial service, candle lighting ceremony or just to say “thinking of you”.

“A Ray of Hope: Facing the Holidays” (DVD) Seasons of Grief by Paul Alexander CALENDAR Heartwarming interviews and gentle music make this a powerful and helpful resource for surviving the holiday hurts and expectations. You will learn ways to be true to yourself during a holiday season or any day you honor as a special day of remembrance. Paul hosts the program with Order #2000 advice from many bereaved individuals. DVD 40 minutes.

$7.95 Order #1710 $44.95 + shipping & handling Call for quantity discounts. Light A Candle and Songs of Remembrance (CD) By Paul Alexander Includes Light a Candle, Tree of Memory, Walk to Remember and The Balloon Song. Designed for memorial and healing Holiday Card rituals. Instrumental and vocal versions. Outside copy: Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul Order #1641 $14.95 And sings the tune without the words And never stops at all. -By Emily Dickinson Helping the How Will I Bereaved Get Through Inside copy: Celebrate the Holidays? May hope be your strength the Holidays Twelve Ideas this Holiday Season by James E. for Those Whose Order #2101 $1.60 Miller Loved One has Died Same quantity pricing as our Hope & Healing Cards. A sourcebook by James E. Miller for planning educational and remembrance This assuring and consoling book TINSEL & TEARS: events. General guidelines, is easy to read and sure to help. suggestions, and specific aids Suggestions and quotations for for planning and implementing grievers of all ages facing the A Holiday Guide holiday events and programs. holidays after the death of a Soft cover, 95 pages loved one. 8-page booklet Soft cover, 63 pages

Order now for your holiday memorial service, Order #1397 $7.95 Order #1398 $6.95 candle lighting or bereavement program. Living When a Loved One Has Died Revised Edition Earl A. Grollman

Beacon Press Paperback 112 pages Tinsel & Tears #1109 Quantity Pricing www.Beacon.org/grollman Tinsel & Tears 1-99 = $1.00 www.livingwithloss.com Spanish version #1159S 100-299 = $.85 An inspirational book about coping with death 8 page booklet 300+ = $.75 and companioning the grief-stricken to a newer and richer life. Order #1369 $15.00

44 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com Products & resources from Bereavement Publications, Inc.

To see our full catalog, visit www.livingwithloss.com To order call: 888-604-4673 • Order Form on page 46

Lunch Mail - I Believe In You by Little Miracle Cards Compendium by Compendium

For children – Each box contains 30 miniature Open the little window in each card ‘pop-open’ cards that conceal a ‘secret and enjoy the special gift inside—a message’ of love, encouragement and self- treasured quotation of light, hope esteem inside. Slip one in your child’s lunch and inspiration! Collection includes 30 bag, pocket, or under their pillow as reminder different cards per box. of your love and support! Order #1691 $5.00 Order #1690 $5.00

Order now for your holiday bereavement program, memorial service or candle lighting ceremony. In memory of your loved one The Best of Living With Loss™ Magazine Holiday Compilation 2006-2008 Vol. 1 No. 1 The best selling book in our history! A collection of articles and poems about coping with grief during the Remembrance Bracelets holidays from all your favorite writers featured in “May Your Love Take Wing” Living With Loss™ Magazine (2006-2008). Dark blue, silicone, non-allergenic bracelet. Debossed side in white: “May Your Love Take Wing” with wing art. Order #1399 $9.50 Order #1602 $2.50 each To order call (888) 604-4673 or order online at www.livingwithloss.com

Hope & Healing Bookmark Angel Wings Pin Silver-plated 1” glitter-finish angel wings pin to remind you that your A personal and affordable touch for loved one is always nearby. Great for family, friends, business or organization. gifts, memorials and candle lightings Use as a gift or handout for support – nice gift to include with our “May groups, candle lightings and Your Love Take Wing” card! remembrance events! Dove Bookmark is 4-color print on 80 lb. May Order # 1651 – $3.95 smooth white card stock. Your contact information and personal Your greeting or inscription up to 8 lines maximum. Love Quantity Pricing Take (minimum order 50 pieces) Love is like a butterfly: It goes where it 50-75...... $.75 each Wing 76-100...... $.65 pleases and it pleases wherever it goes! 101-250...... $.60 Your Name Here 251-500...... $.50 Address City, State Zip 501-1000...... $.40 Phone Email Butterfly Penny 1000 +...... $.30 Website 2 lines for Your Penny coin with cut-out butterfly image. A Personal Message perfect memory for your pocket or chain. © Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Order #1260 $.75 each PO Box 61, Montrose, CO 81402 • 1.888.604.4673 Order #1652 - $1.95 includes #1202 Remembering Card See quantity pricing above

NEW! “The Elephant in the Room” Bear-evement Bear 10” oatmeal-colored bear with crystal tear, Postcard from Bereavement Publications, Inc. bow and hanky. Blank message tag for your Postcard edition of the beloved poem, “The inscription. Elephant in the Room”. Just the right size for a personal note or hand-outs for support groups, (Bear model subject to change from photo. candle lightings and memorials. Order it now from Bear-evement Care Bear has glued pieces, paper our cards section. and ribbon. May not be suitable for babies or very young children.) Dark blue type and graphics on brilliant 65# white card stock. Space for your personal message on the back.

Order #1230 $1.20 Same quantity pricing as our Hope & Healing Cards. Order #1631 $12.95

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 45 ORDER FORM Booklets Quantity Pricing Hope & Healing Cards Bookmarks Quantity Pricing Discount applies to any 1-99. . . .$1.00 Any Combination (minimum order 50 pieces) combination of titles. CODE QTY 50-75...... $.75 ea 100-299. . .$.85 One Color English Titles 300+ ...... $.75 1201 10...... $12 76-100...... $.65 CODE QTY 1202 20...... $23 101-250...... $.60 1109 251-500...... $.50 1101 1203 30...... $33 40...... $42 501-1000...... $.40 1102 1110 1204 50...... $50 1000 +...... $.30 HOW TO ORDER: 1103 1112 1207 100...... $75 Telephone Orders: 1104 1114 1210 1260 1-888-604-HOPE (4673) 1105 1115 1211 Our phone lines are open Monday - Thursday 9-3 and 1106 1116 1215 Calendar Friday 9-12, Mountain Standard 1107 1117 1216 Price: $7.95 Time. 1130 1108 1217 ______Quantity Discounts: Fax: 970-835-3839 Fax this form. 4-Color 1131 11 or more, $6.75 each Internet Orders: Spanish Titles 10...... $16 Order through our secure web CODE QTY 20...... $31 51 or more, $5.75 each site: www.livingwithloss.com 30...... $45 E-mail: [email protected] 1151S Perinatal Death 101 or more, $5.25 each Four Color cards 40...... $58 1154S Yourself & Grief Mail Orders: 50...... $70 500 or more, $4.75 each 2101 Please send your completed 1156S Just for Kids 100...... $95 order form, with check, money 2103 order or charge card number to: 1159S Tinsel & Tears 2000 ______1261 Wing - Thank You (inside) Bereavement Publications, Inc. 1126S When a Spouse Dies 1262 Wing - blank inside PO Box 101 Eckert, CO 81418 Code # Description Qty Price Total All sales are final.

665 Domestic 2 issues @ $17 (shipping included)

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Booklet Totals Card Totals Calendar Totals 1651 Angel Wing Pin $3.95 1652 Butterfly Penny $1.95 1260 Dove Bookmark 50 quantity minimum order. 8 lines maximum imprint.

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46 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com Booklets of Hope and Healing Seasons of Grief CALENDAR

1101 1102 1103 1104

Twelve-month calendar filled with articles and poems. Blank boxes to fill in the current date and year. Frequently Called Numbers and Special Dates to Remember pages complete this beautifully 1108 illustrated full-color calendar. 1105 1106 1107 #2000 The Death of a Child $7.95 Quantity Discount plus shipping and handling. 11 or more - $6.75 each 51 or more - $5.75 each 101 or more - $5.25 each 500 or more - $4.75 each Spanish Versions 1109 1110 1112 1114

#1154S #1151S Yourself & Grief Perinatal Death 1115 1116 1117 1130 La Afflicion y Usted Aborto Espontaneo

1101 Perinatal Death— 1109 Tinsel And Tears An Invisible Loss 1110 The Death of a Child 1102 Anger: Help Or 1112 Anticipatory Grief Hindrance? 1114 Homicide: A Brutal 1103 Helping Men In Grief Bereavement 1104 Yourself And Grief 1115 Grief in the Workplace 1105 Suicide: The Tragedy 1116 When a Spouse Dies Compounded 1117 Bereavement and 1106 Just For Kids In Grief Spirituality 1107 Grandparents Grieve 1130 Do and Don’t #1126S #1156S #1159S 1131 Twice Suggestions When a Spouse Dies Just for Kids Tinsel & Tears 1108 For A Friend In Grief 1131 Dating & Remarriage Cuando Muere el Solo para Ninos Oropel y Lagrimas Conyuge de Luto

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MAGAZINE ™ NEW! Winter 2009

Hope & Healing for the Body,Winter Mind &2009 Spirit ONLINE issue of Booklets of Volume 24 No. 4 Living With Loss™ Magazine Hope and Healing Go-green! www.livingwithloss.com Spanish Versions This option is a VIEWABLE ONLY pdf file of the Bereavement Publications, Inc. same Winter 2009 print copy that we mail to www.livingwithloss.com subscribers. File cannot be printed, cut or pasted and is copyright protected. Can only be downloaded one time per purchase with link log-in until January 31, 2010.

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New! Winter 2009 Single Copy of #1154S #1151S #1126S Living With Loss™ Magazine Yourself & Grief Perinatal Death When a Spouse Dies La Afflicion y Usted Aborto Espontaneo Cuando Muere el Not sure if you want a full-year subscription? Now you can order a single current edition for yourself, a loved one or a friend. Magazine Conyuge shipped USPS periodical rate, 7-14 days delivery time. Shipping is included in total price and this rate is only available for shipping within the United States.

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#1156S #1159S See also our back issue availability online at Just for Kids Tinsel & Tears www.livingwithloss.com for $4.00 each. Solo para Niños Oropel y Lagrimas de Luto Order #9994 $4.00

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