Getting Changed MENOPAUSE USED to BE THAT SCARY, WEIRD, HOT-FLASH TIME of LIFE THAT HAPPENED to OUR AUNTS and THAT GRUMPY WOMAN NEXT DOOR

82 83

geTtiNg ChAngEd MENOPAUSE USED TO BE THAT SCARY, WEIRD, HOT-FLASH TIME OF LIFE THAT HAPPENED TO OUR AUNTS AND THAT GRUMPY WOMAN NEXT DOOR. BUT THANKS TO NEW TREATMENTS, NEW PRODUCTS, AND A NEW ATTITUDE, THE TIME OF LIFE KNOWN AS “THE CHANGE” IS GETTING A MUCH-NEEDED REBRANDING. BY MEIRAV DEVASH

82 84 85

certain age that has made talking When freshly single about this stuff uncomfortable, to say the least. “We live in a patriar- chy. Women are mostly valued for Candace their sexuality, their fertility, and their 50-something mothering skills, so once your fertility wanes, you seem less valuable, and that can make you really fearful,” Bushnell signed up for says Steinke, whose own experience with “the change” was so confound- ing that she was driven to write a Tinder (and wrote about it book about it. To her and many of us, it comes down to self-worth. Says Bushnell, “When society tells in her new book, Is There you that you’re no longer valuable, you have to find your own sense of value.” And that’s easier to do once Still Sex in the City?), you start framing menopause as an opportunity, not only a loss. Women are freed from the constraints of her own age contraception and the menstrual men didn’t cycle’s hormonal roller coaster, which is why many find a new kind of clarity. “Ultimately it’s a change really swipe right. in your brain,” says Bushnell. “It’s a time when many women feel like Firmly in midlife, even the real- they can say ‘fuck you’ [to society]... GALLERY. HJELLEGJERDE KRISTIN OF COURTESY BOTH 2019. , life Carrie Bradshaw—patron saint and learn to be your own person.” of cosmos, new boyfriends, and This can transform menopause Manolo Blahniks—had tumble- two years running, proof that the into a period of radical self- and sex- weeds rolling through her inbox. sexiest fantasies, the ones driven by ual discovery, where procreation is It’s hardly an unfamiliar narrative for all those hormones, hardly require off the table and everything that hap- SEE THROUGH YOU THROUGH SEE women in our culture: With your first perky, youthful bodies. pens under the sheets is entirely for period, you become a sexual being, Menopause is getting its pleasure. Sure, the drop in estrogen then maybe kids, maybe a messy glow-up—and it’s about damn will sap vaginal moisture, but that’s divorce, until, inevitably, hot flashes, time. First, the technicalities: To be nothing a little lube can’t fix. (After an dry vagina, and...nothing. At this menopausal, you need to miss your NPR interview about midlife sexuality, point—the menopause point—you period for a full year in the absence a social media commenter nailed it, become invisible. If you’re lucky, of other causes. The average age is Steinke says, joking that postmeno- you reemerge as an old lady living 51, but the years before menopause pausal sex sounds a lot like gay sex: in Miami with three roommates who are where the action begins. Hot lots of lube and conversation.) love cheesecake and everyone’s flashes, night sweats, and irregular Loss of desire can happen too, wearing a caftan. periods are signs that your ovaries though it’s hardly inevitable. There’s Or so the horror story goes. are sputtering out less estrogen. no female equivalent of Viagra yet, Bushnell doesn’t buy into this Called perimenopause, this transi- but there are now two FDA-approved outdated narrative. When she recal- tion can begin as early as your 30s. drugs designed to boost libido: Addyi ibrated her Tinder settings to 22- to This stage of life is so much more (flibanserin), a once-a-day pill, and PRAGER, VANESSA © PAGE: THIS PAINTING, 2019. , 38-year-olds instead of the baby than vaginal dryness and a dying Vyleesi (bremelanotide), an injection boomers that automatically popped libido, but we’ve avoided the conver- you self-administer 45 minutes before up, she was deluged with potential sation because if we don’t talk about sex. Neither one really performs well matches. Men her own age might it, it won’t happen, right? Obviously when compared to a placebo, plus

not be interested, but millennials— not. Now women like Bushnell and the potential side effects are the ROAD THE OF END who grew up with the sexual trope Darcey Steinke, the author of Flash opposite of arousing. When Addyi of seductive older women—are Count Diary: Menopause and the interacts with the most common definitely DTF. Hot moms are such Vindication of Natural Life, are tap- aphrodisiac, alcohol, it can lead to a popular fantasy that “MILF” and ping into what was once unthink- decreased blood pressure, dizziness, “stepmom” have been the #3 and able: the idea that there is another and fainting. Vyleesi’s most common #4 searches on pornhub.com for version of midlife—and you access side effects are nausea and vomiting. it with real talk, honest reflection, a But the fact that time and research sense of adventure, and maybe the are being devoted to the study of hottest sex of your life. Until now, there’s been a particu- lar mélange of disinterest (old ladies, zzz), distrust (she’s going to do something crazy!), and disgust (expired

vaginas) reserved for women of a PRAGER, VANESSA © PAGE: PREVIOUS PAINTING,

84 86 87

female arousal and pleasure is reason riage ended, she found herself in One of the many myths of meno- enough to stand up and applaud. the arms of a colleague from work pause is that it renders women irrele- Nonetheless, even when inter- named Damian*—a trans man. “If vant, undesirable. The reality is there No matter how amazing your attitude about menopause is, the symptoms est in penetrative sex may dip, the I was younger, I might be thinking are plenty of smoking hot, wholly Help are real. And real annoying. Doctors like Alyssa Dweck, an assistant clinical menu of sensual options can actually about family planning, but I’m past engaged women in their 50s and professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Mount Sinai School of Medicine expand. “It’s not what you do; it’s how that point in my life,” says Juris, who beyond. Salma Hayek is 53. Sharon and coauthor of The Complete A to Z for Your V (Fair Winds Press), often you do it that’s important,” Bushnell is raising her daughter with her new Stone is 61. Susan Sarandon is 73. consider prescribing antidepressants Paxil (paroxetine) and Effexor (venla- says. “When people are having good partner. “I never enjoyed sex with cis- When Steinke searched the cultural Is on faxine) to some patients to curb anxiety and hot flashes. “Gabapentin, a sex, they’re having good sex.” That gender men the same way my friends vacuum for menopausal role mod- medication commonly used for neurologic conditions, can also improve doesn’t always mean the penis goes seemed to, so I very much welcome els, she had to look in unexpected sleep by relieving anxiety and night sweats,” she says. There are plenty of in the vagina. Sometimes penises are the concept that there are many dif- places, like The Testosterone Files by the nonprescription ways to assuage the symptoms as well. nowhere to be found. ferent ways to have sex.” Max Wolf Valerio, in which he writes Consider ostensibly straight Upon turning 40, Annette about his move from female to male women who spend decades married Benedetti, now 45, expanded her as an adventure. “He was going into Way to a man, raise a family, and then marriage into an open relationship. this new hormonal world. How would find themselves unexpectedly fall- “The old expectations were sud- he feel? How would his body feel? ing in love with another woman later denly stripped away, and that’s when There was struggle, and it was weird, in life. It’s not as rare as you’d think, I started exploring dating women,” but it was also exciting,” Steinke and they’re not necessarily closet she says. “Some people say women says. “That’s the way I felt about my cases. Sexual proclivities may actu- become invisible after 40, and maybe own menopause!” (She also found a PAUSE ally switch back and forth multiple that’s true, but I felt liberated.” She postmenopausal leader called J2, aka EMEPELLE WELL-AGING times during different life stages, started a meetup group for bisexual Granny, a matriarchal orca who lived SKINCARE. COLLECTION. says Lisa Diamond, a professor of women in her city and attracted over to be over 100 years old and used her The serum is for A spray of Hot psychology and gender studies at 100 members in less than a week. Now wisdom to guide her pod and nurture morning; the rich Flash Cooling Mist the University of Utah, who has stud- the group has almost 400 members, their calves.) JOYLUX VFIT cream is for night. to the face and INTIMATE Together they treat chest is like a peck ied sexual fluidity in women for over and Benedetti has a fulfilling marriage And consider this: Most mammals SEEME BEAUTY BONAFIDE WELLNESS estrogen-deficient on the cheek from two decades. “It seems that the life and a supportive tribe of open-minded don’t have postreproductive lives. SMOOTH OUT RELIZEN. DEVICE. skin by tightening, Elsa, relieving the Menopause is a once-in-a-lifetime gift RECOVERY SERUM. This Swedish experiences, confidence, and self- friends (and occasional lovers). Sheryl Yes, it vibrates, plumping, and burning-from- Artichoke leaf pollen pill is one of assurance that come with age play a Wilson, 41, escaped her dead bed- from nature and an uncharted jour- but this doohickey restoring radiance the-inside misery. extract is one of the the few solutions huge role in women’s willingness to room when she met her girlfriend. “I ney. Just we humans and a few types also uses red LED without the side Collagen Boosting stars of this new that “actually has acknowledge and act on their own lost myself once my kids were born, of whales live more than 25 percent lights and sonic effects of estrogen. Moisturizer tightens two-product skin- studies to suggest of their adult years after fertility ends. vibes to stimulate These products rely facial contours capacity for expanded erotic oppor- and I was struggling in my marriage. care line (a serum, a good safety and blood flow. Clinical on a potent blend and increases tunities,” Diamond says. My ex-husband and I weren’t intimate It’s an open-ended script that’s up to above, and an airy efficacy profile research shows of niacinamide, elasticity with a Tamryn Juris*, 44, for exam- very often, and I didn’t feel good about each of us to write. cream). Clinical for hot flashes,” improved pelvic peptides, and the blend of vitamins, ple, had always considered herself myself,” she says. “My new relationship studies show that says Dweck. muscle strength, newly discovered antioxidants, and straight. But when her second mar- was the biggest breath of fresh air. I the antioxidant ($50, or $35 with more natural ingredient peptides. Like a is actually subscription; never felt more alive or more desired. lube and vaginal Methyl Estradiol futuristic gua sha more powerful hellobonafide.com) I’m balancing being a good mom with sensation, and propanoate, which stone, the Fascia on estrogen- my own happiness. I never thought fewer urinary nonhormonally fires Stimulating Tool depleted skin that could be possible.” symptoms. ($495, up skin’s estrogen- massages the face, than on younger with $100 off using receptor pathway. neck, and chest to complexions (in code ALLURE ($175 and $195; kick-start collagen- some cases, as through November; emepelle.com) making ﬁbroblasts. effective as retinols getvfit.com) ($192 for set; pause at smoothing and wellaging.com) firming). ($55; seemebeauty.com)

ROOM FOR CHANGE

DISPATCHES FROM THE show, or a lot, or not at all. I mean it’s called “the change,” little flowered cotton underpants. Better equipped to cope gaze of men. (I really miss the gunning engine of desire. But OTHER SIDE OF MENOPAUSE. for God’s sake. You might have the kind of hot flashes that than when you’ve just pushed nine pounds of human out of I’m enjoying a more languorous, luxurious kind of intimacy leave you looking like you swam the English Channel in your vagina and your breasts are fountains of milk (or not) and than I knew in my youth.) After a lifetime of caring for other BY VALERIE MONROE your Proenza Schouler pantsuit. Or the kind that involve no you realize you’re legally required to keep that human alive. people, I now am the first person I ask about what to do next. sweating but the feeling for exactly 30 seconds that you What I’m saying is: Menopause is not very different from (I do miss the quotidian demands of motherhood. But today Like every woman my age (69), I’ve been through menopause. were just run over by a garbage truck. If you have my brand the other transitions you’ve already survived—and likely I’m enjoying the fruits of my child-rearing labors, ripe with a Also, like almost every woman who’s been through meno- of menopause, you might have the kind of mood swings that thrived after. Weird shit happens, and then it’s done. Sure, delicious grandbaby.) pause, I’m intensely, acutely, wildly happy to be alive—when leave you sobbing when your cleaning woman switches her some of it lingers (a small percentage of women have hot For all the adjustments, whatever the gains and losses, it’s I’m not wishing I were dead. (All right, not actually wishing I day. Or the kind that require you to angrily power walk 10 flashes postmenopause). And yes, there is loss involved—loss the poignancy I cherish. It’s a poignancy you can’t appreciate were dead. But wishing it the way you might if you’d just had a miles up to the George Washington Bridge and back in a of juiciness, agility, even friends. until you’ve reached an age when you can fully understand great blowout and a pigeon shat on your head.) hurricane (me again). Mostly, though, once you’ve made it through the transition, what a gift it is to be alive. There’s no escaping that this is a last I can tell by the way you’re looking at me—eager, hope- How menopause affects you depends partially on genet- things start looking up. Not in a cheery, saccharine, “the sun act, and I’d like it to be a long one, years before the lights dim ful, full of irrepressible, early-midlife energy—that you want ics, so the intensity of your symptoms is to some degree pre- will come out tomorrow” way, but in a more mature, authen- and the curtain drops. But the playwright never gives away me to tell you menopause is not a horror show. And I want to determined. What’s not predetermined is how you cope with tic, “love what you have” way. Postmenopausal well-being has her plot. And so, now a long way from the thrilling promises tell you menopause is not a horror show. But I’ve also made them. And I believe you’re better equipped to cope when a rich, poignant, happy/melancholy quality. For one thing, we of the overture, I’ve given myself over to the reprise. Because a commitment to be honest with you, my younger sisters. you’re older than when you’re an 11-year-old suddenly having older women are pretty much free-range chicks, roaming the the music is still very beautiful, and honestly, I am still so

So the truth is, menopause can be a little bit of a horror terrible stomach cramps and (whaaat????) bleeding into your (5) BRANDS OF COURTESY landscape unencumbered by the watchful, often predatory delighted to be here.

86 *Name has been changed.