Co-Parenting: from Conflict to Cooperation
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Co-Parenting: From Conflict to Cooperation Tuesday, September 11, 2018 Hruska Law Center, Lincoln This page intentionally left blank. This page intentionally left blank. FACULTY BIOS Angela Dunne, Managing Partner, Koenig|Dunne, PC, LLO: Angela Dunne is the managing partner of Koenig|Dunne where her career has focused exclusively on divorce-related work. Ms. Dunne is a fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. She was also appointed by the Chief Justice of the Nebraska Supreme Court to serve on the Nebraska Child Support Advisory Commission, making their recommendation to the Nebraska Supreme Court and served on the NSBA Ad Hoc Committee to discuss the Parenting Act issues which were raised in the Nebraska Legislature. In 2013 Angela Dunne co-Authored the second edition of "Divorce In Nebraska: The Legal Process, Your Rights and What to Expect" with Susan Ann Koenig. Ms. Dunne received her JD from the University of Nebraska College of Law. This page intentionally left blank. We are 1excited to announce Angela's boo,.k is now availab1le Bring in YOUrcopy A Gutde w Co-P..:zre.11.c111g to be signed by Aiigela/ ' ~ Patched Up Parenting lrngela J. Dunne. J.0. Purchase Now On P a t ched u p P a l""ent i.ng p !"esen t s p ractical advice and tips and empowers ARN ES m ot hers and fa.th.er,s t o INOBLE par ent b etter no m a t ter the ci:rcu:m.stances. amazon Best Interests of Children Over the decades, states across the country have consistently raised the question about parenthood after divorce. Legislators, judges, lawyers, psychologists, mediators and parents are asking, “What is best for children of divorce?” Views differ wildly on how custody and parenting time should be shared in a post-divorce family. I have represented fathers and mothers equally. I have championed good parents and advocated for hundreds of variations of parenting time based on the uniqueness of each family. I have won cases and I have lost cases. I have been both affirmed and bewildered by outcomes. I have represented both fathers and mothers who were awarded sole custody. I have represented parents who amicably agree to joint custody. I have seen children thrive and I have seen children suffer. The most common custodial question under state law is: Is it in the best interests of the child? This means that when a judge decides custody, the standard by which they evaluate the evidence is what outcome will best support the child. Most parents and divorce professionals will tell you that a “one size fits all” approach to custody generally does not work. Families, and their corresponding needs, are unique. When you have two good, supportive, involved parents who have the ability to communicate well with each other for the benefit of their children, shared parenting should be ordered and should be the rule. Unfortunately, not all divorcing parents fall into this category. 1 When parents do not or cannot work well together, the best interests of the child call for something different. When a judge must decide custody because the parents cannot, those parents generally are not capable of co-parenting. It can be one parent, or both, who thwarts communication or parenting time. It can be mothers or fathers. In these contested cases, requiring parents to communicate daily and sort through issues related to their children is nearly untenable when they have not been able to agree on the basic custodial arrangement for their children. It is not recommended because it is the children who are most exposed to the conflict and who suffer. The sooner parents are able to realize that their children do not benefit from their fighting, friction, and hardships, the sooner they may be able to search out harmony in their co-parenting relationship. The most successful co-parents treat each other like business colleagues – with respect, courtesy, and polite indifference. I am most often asked by my clients and people in general, about how I personally co-parent my children post-divorce. My former spouse and I share joint legal and physical custody of our daughters. Some people have commented, “You make it look easy.” The truth is, it isn’t easy and just like any parent couple knows, it comes with ups and downs. Creating Control A waitress once inadvertently dumped a cup of marinara sauce all over my suit during a work lunch. I didn’t move while she went to collect a towel to help me wipe it off. I didn’t yell at her. It was an accident. She was flustered and upset and scrambling to offer reimbursement of my dry cleaning bill. I just smiled and thanked her for helping 2 me get cleaned up and said “no worries at all.” The gentleman I was with said to me, “You have amazing control.” I often hear clients bemoaning the other side seemingly having the “upper hand.” “Why do they have all of the control?” “Why do they get away with anything they want?” “Why don’t the rules apply to them?” Control and perceptions of control constantly operate in the legal world, and let’s be honest, in just about every aspect of our lives: in parenting, in relationship with loved ones, at work – who has control is an ever-present dynamic and question. In divorce, the feeling of not being in control of your life may be so prominent that it leads to anxiety and depression. Most people going through divorce have never stepped foot inside a courtroom. They have no previous experience with attorneys, a judge, or legal jargon. It is scary. People feel like they cannot regain control of their life until the final agreements are either ordered by the judge or agreed to by the parties. That can take months. I confess that I love being in control. My planning tendencies and abilities could probably win me an award if such a thing existed. I feel happier and more stable when I have a plan, or said another way, when I feel like I am in control of what will happen to me or my life in the near future. I detest the feeling of being in a mental fog or feeling like someone, other than me, has control over what will happen in my life. It is precisely in this fog, nearly guaranteed for anyone going through divorce, that we will use it as an excuse for our own bad behavior. We don’t have control anyway, so we engage in the following: 3 • We will not provide financial documentation as requested because our spouse has not provided his or hers in a timely manner. • We will not be flexible with a parenting time adjustment, because the other parent wasn’t flexible with us. • We will not take our child to an activity scheduled during our time because we were not consulted in advance. People incorrectly assume that when the other party is not complying with the rules or deadlines set within the legal system, this means they somehow have more control in the process. It isn’t true. In fact, the options for both parties remain equal throughout the process. You can comply or not. The truth is, we always have control over our own behavior. We can control how we react to the other party not meeting a deadline. We can control whether we act with integrity throughout all parts of the process, despite (or even in contrast to) what the other side is doing. Once you see this, you will surely be positioned to take control. Finding Focus and Beating Bitterness What I experienced in my own situation and see from the other side of the divorce lawyer’s desk is how detrimental the “thinking negative license” can be. For parents in litigation, how it most often presents itself is a feeling that a person needs to “show the judge everything horrible about my spouse.” This thinking, while natural in the immediate moment, if acted upon, can be critically harmful to a co-parenting relationship. It may be harmful toward extended family, and ultimately, is the most harmful to the person carrying that negativity around. 4 I was once preparing a client for trial and I asked her to name good things about her spouse. She looked at me like I was crazy. She sat back, paused, took a breath and then replied, “He always did the laundry and he could fold a T-shirt like nobody’s business.” We both burst out laughing. Not only did making a shift to focus on the positive bring a much-needed stress reliever, but it lightened her up entirely. We continued to talk about his good qualities. I asked her to draw upon this in front of the judge for a couple of reasons. The most important reason was that it would show to the judge who my client really is: a person who is not out to destroy her spouse, as a parent who has the capacity to see good and who only wants a fair and good outcome for her child and family. I know now, after she was awarded her full parenting plan, that her testimony was credible and she was more likeable when the judge heard her speaking from a positive place, rather than crankily focusing on the negative. I have seen the dynamic of opposite parties in litigation play out in hundreds of depositions, settlement conferences, and trial testimonies. As a lawyer, I immediately know my role is to diffuse and calm the feelings.