Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani S Shopping Trip

1Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham – the capital of British Pakistan! Community Leader! They all know me – you like my suit? Number One – Citizen Khan!

Episode 2 – Naani’s Shopping Trip

Shazia Khan: Are you all right in there, Naani [Grandma] jaan [dearest]? Naani: Ha? Mr Khan: (hacks) Right, ______? Don’t tell me! ______? ______! Shazia: Dad! ______! Mr K: ______, maybe! Shazia: Dad! Mr K: What? ______! Can you hear any splashing? Wakey wakey! We got peanut cornflakes for breakfast! I’ve got to be out of the house in half an hour! Shazia: ______? Mr K: The Pakistani Business Association of Birmingham has invited me, ______, Mr Khan, ______! Alia Khan: ______! Mr K: Yeah! I’ll be networking with some of the most important small businessmen in the West Midlands! We got _____, ______, ______! Shazia: ______? Mr K: ______, Shazia! The main thing is, ______! You know, ______, ______. Now here I am, ______, getting face time with the big nobs! Very similar thing happened to Lord Sir Alan Sugars! ______! ______! At this rate, I won’t get time for my three shushes! Alia: ______? Mr K: Shave, shower, and- 2Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Shazia: Dad! Mr K: ______! Finally! Naani: (Urdu words) Mr K: Oh, God! ______, and been stuck in the toilet every single day! ______, it’s just sticky! You have to lift it up, ______, and give it a firm yank! Alia: ______! Shazia: ______! Mr K: Just lift it up and give it a firm yank! Naani: (Urdu words), _____! Mr K: I bet Lord Sir Alan Sugars doesn’t have to ______out of the toilet every morning! Morning, Naanijaan! ______? Naani: Chah! Mr K: Forgot!

Shazia: Amjad’s here! Mrs Khan: Hello, Amjad! Amjad Malik: Hello, Mrs Khan! Hello, Naanijaan! Shazia: We’ve got to choose the colour for the bedroom ______! What do you think of that one? Amjad: ______! ______? Shazia: ______when we’re married, will you? Amjad: Well ______? Shazia: ______! Amjad: ______? Shazia: Yeah! Amjad: ______? Shazia: Yeah! Amjad: What – ______? Shazia: Yeah! Amjad: Wow! Mr K: (hacks) 3Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Mrs K: ______! Mr K: ______! Oh – ______! Bloody paper complaining about immigration again! Shazia: ______! Mr K: ______! Too many bloody immigrants coming to this country! Shazia: ______, Dad! Mr K: ______, Sweetie – ______! Immigrants are the Eastern Europeans – coming over here ______! ______! Shazia: Dad! Mr K: All right – ______! Amjad: So – ______, ______? Mr K: Look – we work hard, we go to mosque, we pray to Allah five times a day – ______? ______? ______! There’s no milk in my chai! Mrs K: Ah - we’ve run out – Naani had the last of it. ______! Mr K: I can think of one immigrant ______! Naani: (Urdu words) Mrs K: She’s cold – ______! Mr K: It’s already on max! ______? Set fire to her salwaar [loose trousers]? Mrs K: Be nice to her – ______! ______for her party tonight – the whole thing is a big surprise, ______! Mr K: ______– you might finish her off! Have we got any party poppers? Mrs K: Remember ______this afternoon! Mr K: ______! Mrs K: ______? Mr K: ______! Pakistani Business Association of Birmingham – ______! Mrs K: ______! 4Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Mr K: _____! Mrs K: I want you take her to M&S to buy cardigans! Mr K: ______! Mrs K: ______! We have to get her a treat! Mr K: Ah, hang on – ______! Mrs K: ______? ______? Mr K: ______! Exclusive and unique! I got it from NHS direct! Especially designed ______! Look at that – helmet part ______, ______to stop dehydration – ______! Mrs K: ______! Mr K: Why not? ______? Mrs K: Just take her to the shops! Mr K: ______! Mrs K: ______! Mr K: Fine! ______! Alia: Naanijaan’s on the sofa, and now she can’t get up again! Mrs K: Oh, my God!

Mrs K: Oh, ______– ______! Mr K: All right, get out of the way – ______, ______! Let the dog see the old goat! All right – come on, Naanijaan! ______– ek, do, tri! ______, __! Naani: (Urdu words) Mr K: ______! Mrs K: Oh, my God! (Urdu words) We need help! Amjad: ______? Mr K: Grab her arms! Perfect! My – my back! ______! Mrs K: Naani, ______? Mr K: Oh, ______– ______! Shazia: All right, Naanijaan? Mrs K: OK, Naani – ______, and then Mr Khan ______! ______? 5Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Mr K: Right, fine! Then ______! Mrs K: Oh, yes, and take her to the mosque first – ______! Mr K: But then ______! Mrs K: ______– ______! OK? Chalo [Come on]! Have a good time and we’ll see you later! Mr K: Right, come on then – let’s get this over with! Naani: Namaz [Prayers]! Mr K: What? Naani: Namaz! Mr K: No! ______– not time for prayers – ______? Naani: Namaz! Mr K: No! We’re praying at the mosque! (Urdu words) ______! Naani: Eh? Mr K: ______! (Urdu words) Oh, God! I know what ______!

Naani: (Urdu words) Mr K: I know it’s nearly prayer time – ______, aren’t we? Riaz: Al-salaamu alaikum, Mr Khan! Mr K: Wa alaikum al-salaam, Riaz! ______? Riaz: Good! ______! Mr K: Did you hear that? This would be ______! You’d be ______! The mother-in-law! Riaz: Al-salaamu alaikum! Omar: Al-salaamu alaikum! How are you enjoying Sparkhill? Mr K: It’s OK! This is Omar! ______! ______! But he’s got a funny accent!

Mr K: Come on! This way! ______? Good, eh? Naani: (Urdu words) doctor waiting room! Mr K: All right, all right! This is just the mosque office! ______6Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

______! Naani: (Urdu words) Marks and Spencers! Mr K: ______! ______! Naani: Namaz (Urdu words) cardigan! Mr K: Right! Come on then, choppity chop! Ladies’ prayer room is ______, OK? You want to get in God’s good books! ______!

Dave: Mr Khan, ______? Mr K: ______! ______? Dave: ______! ______! Mr K: All right, all right! I still don’t know how you got this job! ______? Equal opportunity scheme for gingers? Oh, hello! Mr Bhutt? Yes – it’s Mr Khan speaking! No – Mr Khan! Khan! K, ______, ______, ______! Yes, that’s me. ______. Dave: Mr Khan, ______- Mr K: ______, Dave! I was wondering – you know, if you don’t come to the lunch, ______? No – I see! No – ______! Dave: Mr Khan- Mr K: Oh, no – ______, Margaret! ______, ______– ______, and a couple of ginger nuts! Yes, yes, ______! Yes, OK, I’m coming – I’ll be there! OK, OK, bye! OK, OK, bye! ______? Dave: ______you’re parked in the disabled bay! Mr K: Mr Qureshi never minded! Dave: Yes, well, Mr Qureshi is in a retirement home in Balsall Heath! And those bays are only for ______! Mr K: ______, is it? Dave: _____? Mr K: Well, this kind of discrimination – not very Muslim! Dave: ______! Mr K: Ah, _____! Well you’re new to this game – ______, 7Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Dave, is that God, Muslim God, ______! He sees all men as the same – ______, ______– ______– he doesn’t care! ______, you see! Dave: _____! Mr K: So you giving a special parking space to disabled is ______! Dave: I don’t think that’s what I’m- Mr K: ______, Dave! And if ______to prove it, ______! Dave: Couldn’t you just move your car? I mean, what if ______needs it? Mr K: ______! Dave: ____? Mr K: ______, then? Look at her! ______! Naani: (Urdu words) Marks and Spencers! Mr K: All right, ______! Dave: I didn’t realise ______! Mr K: ______! Dave: Oh! Naani: (Urdu words) Mr K: This is Dave, Naani, ______! Naani: Oh! Mr K: I know! ______! Dave: As-salaam alaikum! Naani: Wa alaikum as-salaam! Dave: ______? ______? Naani: A cup garam cha [hot tea] PG Tip! Mr K: All right! ______! I’ve got to go to my business conference! ______! Come on – get your coat! I tell you – ______, Dave! ______! God must be ______! ______, ______! 8Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Dave: Well don’t the scholars teach us to look after our elders and treat them with the utmost respect? Mr K: They weren’t hanging around the ladies’ bogs on the Stratford Road! Dave: ______can be tricky! I’ve got the mosque lady pensioners in today – some of them ______, I can tell you! Mr K: Dave! Dave: Mm? Mr K: Maybe I can leave Naani here with you? You know, ______for me! Dave: Oh, I, ______! Mr K: Why not? ______! You’ve got the other ones in anyway! Dave: Yes, but ______and reading from the Koran! Mr K: ______! You want to give these old birds some retail therapy! Take her to the Bullring! ______! Dave: ______! Mr K: ______! Dave: ______! Mr K: ______! Dave: Help to integrate the mosque worshippers with the wider community! Mr K: It’s been a long time since ______, I tell you! Hey! You’ll be getting a ride on the minibus! Good, uh? Naani: Tchah! Mr K: Oh, she loves you – ______! ______! Just point in the direction of the knitwear section and ______! She’ll be happy as Barry! Dave: ______? Mr K: Oh, yes! ______is Rawalpindi! Dave: I’m just thinking, you know, ______! Mr K: Don’t worry – ______! ______! ______! ______! OK, bye! 9Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Mr K: Name tag? Check! Suit? Check! ______? Oh, bloody-

Mrs K: Hurry up! Naanijaan will be back ______! Oh, no – ______! Oh! That will be Mrs Rameez! She did say she was going to come early! Alia, ______! Mrs Malik: ______! ______! Mrs K: Yes! Mrs M: Of course, most elderly people don’t like surprises, but ______! Mrs K: Yes! Mrs M: So ______? Mrs K: ______! Mrs M: ______! Accha! So ______! Amjad: ______! Hey – maybe I could organise a surprise party for you, ______! Shazia: ______! Amjad: Yes! Shazia: ______! Amjad: Ah, yes! Hey, Mummy, did you know that when we’re married, ______!

Alia: Dad! Mr K: Alia! Alia: Where’s Naanijaan? Mr K: She’s er, ______, praying! Dave’s looking after her! Now ______? Alia: ______! Mr K: Right – ______? Alia: ___? Mr K: ______! Alia: ______, but- Mr K: Great! 10Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Mrs K: I must say, ______! Mrs M: Oh, thank you! ______! ______Mr Malik! Mrs K: Oh! ______! Mrs M: It’s just so nice to ______, though, ha naa [isn’t it?] Mrs K: Oh, it is! Mrs M: So ______? Mrs K: I – Shazia, why don’t you take Mrs Malik ______? Shazia: ______? Mrs K: ______!

Mr K: Mrs Rameez, ______? I’ll just leave you to er- ______, you silly billy? Mrs Rameez: ______! Mr K: ______– we’ll be out of here in a jiffy! There’s a knack to this – you just have to- (grunts) (Urdu words) Don’t worry, Mrs Rameez – ______! You just have to lift it up, pull to the right, and give it a firm yank! Amjad: Eh? Mr K: ______, Amjad? Amjad: Yes, sir! Mr K: ______! Amjad: OK! Mr K: ______! Amjad: OK – ______? Mr K: No! ______– just go and get me some WD-40 [oil and water displacing spray]! ______– ______?

Shazia: I wonder why Mum’s ______? Mrs M: She must be ______as well! Alia: ______? Mrs M: Well ______! 11Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Mr K: Ah! Mrs M: Ah, Mr Khan! Salaam alaikum! Mr K: Wa alaikum salaam, Mrs Malik! ______? Mrs M: Oh, ______! Mr K: Ah, ______, uh? You know, I think it’s more important ______! I’m always telling Mrs Khan! To us, ______! ______– ______! Mrs M: Very laudable, I’m sure! Mr K: That’s me – ______! Right – ______! Mrs M: ____? Mr K: Pakistani Business Association of Birmingham! If I hurry, I’ll just catch Mr Bhutt’s PowerPoint presentation on the history of Cash and Carrys in the West Midlands! _____, ______! ______, ______! Mrs K: Where’s Naani? Did you take her to M&S? Mr K: ___, ______! But, you know, she wanted to do more praying! ______– ______! Mrs K: OK, but ______– ______! Even Mrs Rameez has shown her face! Mr K: ______! Mrs K: Naani can’t be ______! Mr K: Don’t worry! Dave is bringing her! ______! Mrs K: Yeah, but Dave- Mr K: Chillax, sweetie – ______! ______– see?

Mr K: All right, all right – ______! Hello, Dave! Dave: ______, Mr Khan! Mr K: What? Dave: Naanijaan! ______! Mr K: What do you mean, ______? How can you lose ______? 12Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Dave: I got confused! ______! Mr K: Careful, Dave! ______! Dave: I just meant ______! Mr K: That’s better! Dave: One minute she was with me, then I had to take Mr Farzai to the toilets – Mr K: ______! Dave: ______! Mrs K: ______? Mr K: ______!

Mrs K: What are you doing? Mr K: ______! Mrs K: But where’s Naani? ______! Mr K: Yes! ______! Mrs K: ______? Mr K: Dave? Dave: Well ______- ______- Mrs K: Don’t go and tell me ______! Mr K: No, of course not! She’s not lost – ______! Mrs K: _____? Mr K: Dave? Dave: In Millets! Mrs K: ______? Mr K: Dave! How many times have I told you – ______! Dave: Well, ______, but I thought a fleece might be more practical! And they’ve got great outdoor gear! Mrs K: ______? Mr K: Dave – ______– she’s not white water rafting with Bear bloody Grylls! Mrs K: So – ______? Dave: Yes! Mr K: Exactly! ______, you see? 13Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Dave: She was trying to choose between the half zip and the full zip, you see! And I said ______because you don’t have to ______, which can be quite tricky for ______! Mr K: All right, Dave, ______! Mrs K: OK, but ______? Mr K: It’s OK – ______, and it’ll all be tickety boo! Mrs K: Well ______!

Mr K: ______? She’s an old woman like this – baa!

Mr K: Naani! Naani! It’s OK – ______!

Mr K: Excuse me! Excuse me! Naani! Hold- hold on! Naani! Excuse me! Excuse me, lady! Excuse me – Naani! No, wait - oh, God! Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!

Mr K: What? ______!

Dave: Mr Khan!

Mr K: Right – it’s simple! I just need to tell Mrs Khan that ______of the Birmingham and Fazeley Canal! Dave: Now come on – ______! The police are still trawling, and ______! Mr K: Yes, you’re right – we, we don’t really know what’s happened! Dave: ______! Mr K: For all we know, she could be in the café at Marks and Spencers, ______! Dave: The main thing is, we have to be very sensitive ______to Mrs Khan! Mr K: Yes. ______? Dave: I think ______! 14Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Mr K: _____! Dave: You have to sit her down, and then give her time ______, in a quiet place ______! Mr K: OK!

Everybody: ______! Mrs M: ______? Mr K: What? Aliya: ______? Mr K: What? Shazia: ______? Mr K: What? Mrs M: ______? ______! Mr K: I don’t think we should bring her in here ______and everyone making noise! Shazia: ______! Aliya: ______, Papaji! Mr K: ______, sweetie! Shazia: ______, isn’t she? Mr K: Mm? Shazia: ______? Mrs M: ______! I knew it! ______! Amjad: ______? Dave: Yes! Shazia: ______? Mr K: ____! Naani’s very late – she’s – ______! Shazia: ______? Dave: Yes! Mr K: No! Yes! Dave: No! Mr K: _____! Mrs K: Where’s Naani? 15Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Mr K: Hello, sweetie! ______? Mrs K: Why? Mr K: I’m coming to that – but first, ______! About Naani – ______– ______? Mrs K: ______? Mr K: ______– look - the thing is – ______when we must bid farewell to our loved ones! They’ve had a good innings, but when the great umpire in the sky shows you the finger, it’s time to ______to the pavilion! Naani, caught canal, bowled God, for eighty! And she is out! Or ______! Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar! Naani: (Urdu words) ______! Mrs K: Oh, Naani! (Urdu words) Aliya: Naanijaan! Shazia: Oh, Naani! Mrs K: ______! Amjad: ______!

Mr K: Right! ______! They’ll be serving a trio of desserts! That’s when ______anyway! What? What is it? Mrs K: What is it? ______! Mr K: Yes, but then ______! So it’s all ______, OK? Bas! Finished! Mrs K: ______, all alone! Anything could have happened to her! ______! Mr K: Yes, but- Mrs K: She could have been mugged! Mr K: ______, but- Mrs K: ______and taken advantage of! Mr K: OK, ______now! Mrs K: ______! Mr K: Me? ______! Mrs K: When she’s here, all you do is moan – you can’t wait to be rid of her! 16Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Mr K: ______– ______! It’s great! Mrs K: ______about having her here? Mr K: ______! Mrs K: ____? Mr K: Like – the praying, the shuffling, how she hums under her breath in the morning, the way she spits in the fireplace – seeing her crinkly old face ______– ______, isn’t she? Mrs K: (Urdu words) She’ll be safely back in Pakistan and ______! (sniffs) Mr K: ______! Mrs K: (Sniffs) Mr K: Now what? Mrs K: ______? Mr K: ______? Mrs K: ______– she’s an old lady! She’ll go back to Pakistan and ______! Mr K: Hey – come on! ______! ______! Mrs K: (Sobs) Mr K: Right. OK. Why doesn’t Naanijaan ______? Mrs K: What? Mr K: Naanijaan. ______– ______to Pakistan! Mrs K: ____? Mr K: No! Mrs K: You mean it? Mr K: Haan! [Yes] Mrs K: Thank you! Mr K: It’s all right! Mrs K: Now ______! Mr K: Yes! Mrs K: And ______! Mr K: Yes – ______, you know, before she – ooh, ooh! 17Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip

Mrs K: ______? Mr K: You know, ______, and – ooh, ooh! Mrs K: No, it’ll all be fine! Mrs Akul’s mother ______, ______! Mr K: ______!

Mrs K: Goodbye! ______! Mrs M: ______! ______! Mr K: Well, ______, eh? Thank you – goodbye! God bless!

Mrs K: Naani! We have something ______! Don’t we? Mr K: Yes, er, er, we have decided that you don’t need to go back to Pakistan – ______, and live with us – in our house – ______– ______! You know, ______! Naani: (Urdu words) Birmingham? Shithole! Mrs K, Aliya, Shazia: Naanijaan! Naanijaan!