RED Spades, BLACK Hearts

[FINAL VERSION] Cast of Characters

Amanda Rose-Duncan – early twenties; a strong-minded person. Luke O’Casey – early twenties; kind hearted, has a nervous stutter but loses it with confidence.

Dealer – mysterious, striking being.

Jack of all Suits – caring but angry, sharp and pressurized. Jack of Hearts – caring. Jack of Diamonds –pressurized. Jack of Clubs – sharp. Jack of Spades - angry.

[The many characters of Jack are to be played by the same actor]

2 Scene One

[Blackout. The stage is empty but for a big ‘X’ shape upstage left and a raised level upstage right. The logo ‘House Always Win’s is prominent.]

DEALER [V/O] Player One: found. Searching for Player Two. Not Found. Retry. Searching for Player Two. Not Found. Game abandoned!

[Lights up on Dealer. He is standing, grinning on the level upstage right. He gives off a sense of confidence, if not, arrogance. The ‘House Always Wins’ theme tune plays.]

DEALER [Informative but arrogant] Welcome to ‘House Always Wins’. The game where one is not enough but two’s a crowd. Always follow instructions carefully. Contents include the Jack of all Suits and four different locations. The object of the game is to pass through the suits by completing different tasks chosen at random. The winner is the first person through the exit. Caution: Must be 2 players. Ages 18 and over. Keep out of reach of children. This game is part of the ‘Ace Corporation’ and sponsored by ‘Milano Marittima Gaming’. Please retain this information for future reference.

[Blackout.]

[Pause.]

[Lights up on Amanda. She is on the floor. She has a blank expression on her face as if she doesn’t have the capacity to think. Suddenly a voice can be heard offstage.]

LUKE [Offstage] [Scared] Holy crap! Holy… Bloody… Bloody Jones!

[Amanda reacts fearfully.]

AMANDA Who’s there?

LUKE [Offstage] Hello. Yes? Where… Where are you?

AMANDA Where am I? Where are you? Maybe if you shout louder?

LUKE Hello!

AMANDA I don’t know. Just start walking. Try going left.

LUKE [Offstage] [Anxious] Left? Right, got it. Holy crap!

[Luke enters looking confused, nervous and scared. His nervous stutter is a sign of a lack of confidence.]

AMANDA Where the hell have you come from? I thought it was just me! Who the hell are you? You’re not the Dealer are you? I’m only asking because if you are I’m

3 ready to kick ass right now. Don’t think that I couldn’t because I could. I could take you right now…

LUKE [Quickly] I don’t know what you’re talking about!

AMANDA [Aggressively] Who the hell are you?

LUKE Luke. Luke… Luke O’Casey. I’m from Minneapolis, Minnesota.

AMANDA Luke Casey?

LUKE O’Casey. Irish grandparents. This might seem like an obvious thing to… where are we?

AMANDA You’re inside ‘House Always Wins’.

LUKE The game? I’m… I’m inside the game?

AMANDA Damn straight. Well done, Einstein.

LUKE Bloody Jones! This is crazy! Surreal.

AMANDA Listen! Did you or did you not attempt to play ‘House Always Wins’? Did you try and play?

LUKE Well, yes. I thought that’s what you do with board games. You play them. You don’t get warped into them. Or so I thought. I don’t understand.

AMANDA You don’t understand? Think of me! I’ve been here for God knows how long.

LUKE My bad. Okay, okay. Would you please…

AMANDA …Listen! ‘House Always Wins’ isn’t a normal game. I found that out the hard way. My grandma passed away and we had to clear out her stuff. I found this game in a cupboard full of junk. So I took it home. I opened it up. I played it. Now I’m stuck in it! It says it needed two players but I was just trying it out. How was I supposed to know? How was I?

LUKE I… I… I…

AMANDA Rhetorical question! Idiot! Damn game! I don’t know how long I’ve been stuck here.

LUKE Stuck here? You mean… That can’t be… You mean we’re stuck here?

AMANDA Do you see an exit? Open your eyes! We’re stuck here, Luke!

[Amanda sits back down, obviously annoyed. Pause.]

4 LUKE So… Who are you?

AMANDA Amanda Rose-Duncan.

LUKE Rose-Duncan?

AMANDA What are you? A fucking echo? It’s a double-barrelled surname. I can’t help having pompous parents, you know! Sorry it’s not Irish.

LUKE I didn’t mean it like that. I meant… I meant that it sounded really nice.

AMANDA [Standing quickly] Wait a minute… wait a minute! How the hell did you get this game? It was in my room. I’m from Santa Rosa, New Mexico. You said you were in Minnesota. You’re north. I’m south. There’s only ever one of these games ever been made, you can trust me on that.

LUKE What makes you think that?

AMANDA I just know, all right. I’m not wrong often, certainly not this time. It’s like I’m frozen in a virtual universe. I’ve seen no one. The only voice I’ve heard is that of the Dealer constantly looking for Player Two. I take it the Dealer never found one and so I must have the only version. Which was lying on the floor of my bedroom. So… how did you get hold of it?

[Pause.]

LUKE E-Bay.

AMANDA E-Bay? You mean my parents have been in my room, selling my stuff?

LUKE Err… I don’t… I’m not sure. Maybe! You said you’ve been gone a…

AMANDA …I hate my parents! They’re probably pleased I’m out of their lives. Selling my stuff to make back the money they spent on my failed childhood. They blamed me for everything, you know? Colombe was their pride and joy. Well screw them.

LUKE Colombe?

AMANDA My older sister with an even more pompous first name than last name. The first-born. The more important one. She’s married to a lawyer at the firm ‘Ducksworth & Co’. That says it all. They’re all pretentious idiots! If I ever turn out like them then shoot me! I’m going to kill my parents when I get out! [She remembers her surroundings.] If I get out.

[She falls back to the floor, resigned to failure. Soon, Luke joins her, feeling lost. He nervously puts an arm around Amanda. Suddenly, red lights begin to flash and the ‘House Always Wins’ theme tune plays.]

5 DEALER [V/O] Player Two: Found. 15%. 35%. 50%. 75%. 100%. ‘House Always Wins’ has fully loaded.

AMANDA Fully loaded? What the hell!

[From behind them the Jack of all Suits appears. He is covered in half black and half red with one eye covered. Jack is very expressive, almost clown-like.]

J/SUITS The dealer has informed me the game is ready to begin. He would be here to greet you himself but he is otherwise engaged. I am the Jack of all Suits.

LUKE [Frightened] Bloody Jones!

AMANDA What the hell is Bloody Jones?

LUKE I’m… I’m sorry. I can’t help it. It’s a nervous compulsion. Whenever… Whenever I’m nervous I say it. I’m sorry.

AMANDA Wimp! [Sarcastically] Ready Luke O’Casey? This is our ticket out of this dump!

J/SUITS I hope you’re listening. If you are I will be a very kind guide on your journey. If you don’t, I could turn nasty. You never know which way I’ll swing. Are you ready?

LUKE No! I mean… Err… Amanda! I don’t think…

AMANDA …Damn straight we’re ready! Don’t listen to him. This is so crazy, man.

J/SUITS In that case, give me a number between one and four inclusive?

LUKE Please?

J/SUITS [Losing patience] Give me a number between one and four inclusive!

AMANDA [Quickly] Two!

J/SUITS That is the last time I will repeat myself. Two has been selected. Excellent. You see that X over there? Stand on it to begin ‘House Always Wins’. You will be sent to location number two: Hearts. Arrivederci.

[Jack of all Suits exits. Amanda and Luke move to the ‘X’.]

AMANDA Let’s go O’Casey.

LUKE Are you sure? I mean… I mean…

AMANDA It’ll be okay. Trust me.

6 LUKE Okay. I trust you.

[They stand on the ‘X’. Blackout. The ‘House Always Wins’ theme tune plays.]

7 Scene Two

[Lights rise. Jack of Hearts is standing behind them. Jack is in all black.]

DEALER [V/O] Welcome to Hearts. This is Level one.

J/HEARTS Excuse me.

[Amanda and Luke jump.]

AMANDA You scared the living daylights out of me!

LUKE And me.

J/HEARTS I do apologise. Let me introduce myself…

AMANDA …We know who you are. We only saw you a second ago.

J/HEARTS I am the Jack of Hearts.

LUKE Jack of Hearts?

J/HEARTS Welcome to my section of ‘House Always Wins’. This is your first task on the way to glory. I hope you both emerge victorious. I love to see people do well.

LUKE Oh, thanks.

J/HEARTS [Taking out an envelope] The task, randomly chosen, is a related riddle. In this envelope are words on different cards. Match the cards in the right order and stand on the ‘X’. It’s as easy as it sounds. If victorious you will be moved forwards. If the answer is wrong, you will have to start again. Here is the envelope. I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

[Amanda takes the envelope. Inside this envelope are the instructions and behind her are huge, individual cards that have the words Ace, Jack, Queen, King, Hearts, Diamonds, Spades and Clubs on them. These cards are face down against a stand. Jack of Hearts exits. Luke is looking increasingly nervous.]

AMANDA [Taking charge] Right, let’s get this show on the road. Are you okay, man?

LUKE [Composing himself] Fine. I’m fine. Thanks. I’m glad we are doing this together.

AMANDA It says I have one minute to read out the instructions. It says, ‘Your task for the suit of Hearts is as follows. Eight cards lay behind you. Four cards represents a different suit; Spades, Hearts, Clubs, and Diamonds. The others are a

8 Jack, a Queen, a King and an Ace. Using the following clues, determine the identity and position of each card.’

LUKE Bloody Jones! This is… well… what are the clues?

AMANDA Take it easy. Chill out. We’ll do this together, okay? We may as well team up. It’s why it’s a two-player game, obviously. First clue; ‘The Ace is to the right of the Spade.’ Simple. [Luke moves the cards in conjunction with the clue.] Okay, next one. ‘The Diamond is to the left of the Queen’. [Luke goes to move the cards.] Luke, wait! The next one says the Club is to the right of the Queen… so move them both.

[He does so.]

LUKE Done, Amanda.

AMANDA Hmm… okay… The Heart is to the left of the Jack… oh, and… the Spade is to the right of the Jack. That’s it. Move over. Let me have a look.

LUKE Yeah. Right… the King is the only one not mentioned.

AMANDA Got it, dude. Okay, well we just need to match them up, I guess. And whatever is left we give to the King. How does that sound?

LUKE Yeah. Sounds good. Good idea, Amanda.

AMANDA [Flattered] Thanks. [Awkward pause.] Well what are we waiting for?

LUKE Right. Ok. [To himself] Come on Luke, this should be easy. Compose yourself. I can do it. Okay… right… Let’s see. [As he talks he moves the cards.] If the Ace is right of the Spade then the Jack is to the left of the Ace.

AMANDA Clue three says the Club is on the right. So the Club will easily fit with the Ace on the right hand side.

LUKE And the Queen is to the left of the Club.

AMANDA You’re really good at this riddle stuff, Luke. It’s cool.

LUKE Thanks. First time I’ve put my brain to good use.

AMANDA What do you mean?

LUKE Everyone thinks I’m a nerd because I like to test myself with the world. I love riddles and other stuff too.

AMANDA Such as?

LUKE You actually want to know?

9 AMANDA I’m interested. So, what do you like, Luke?

LUKE [Getting excited that someone is showing interest] I’m a whiz kid with Maths and Science. Especially Science. I love Thermodynamics and Statistical mechanics. Boltzmann's constant, free energy, you know? Most other stuff too. Astrophysics, molecular and partical physics.

AMANDA I didn’t get a word of that O’Casey, but it does sound cool. Anything else?

LUKE Can’t believe someone’s actually asking me this. I’m not entirely a freak and a geek I like other stuff too. What about you?

AMANDA Electric guitar. Metallica. Mötley Crüe. Now they are legendary bands. Being stuck in a mosh pit is the best feeling in the world.

LUKE What is a mosh pit?

AMANDA What is a mosh pit? That’s so cute. A mosh pit is when everyone jumps around on top of each other at music festivals. The atmosphere is immense.

LUKE Oh, I love music too. I’ve seen Sheila E, Billy Joel and Bob Dylan. Did you know Bob Dylan’s from Minnesota? Cool, eh? Oh, and Gloria Estefan in concert four times.

AMANDA [Amanda is surprised to find herself intrigued by Luke’s hobbies.] Sort of… I guess it makes you a totally sexy loser, right? [She laughs]

LUKE Loser, definitely. Not so sure about the sexy part. My parents took me to the shows. They’re supportive of everything I do. I love my parents.

AMANDA [Awkwardly changing the subject] That’s cool. So… what can the Queen go with, Luke?

LUKE Oh yeah, forgot about this. Once I got started I couldn’t stop. No ones ever wanted to know about me. Thank you Amanda. That was really nice. Anyway, let’s see the clues again. [She hands it to him] Well, the Queen could be with the Spade that is in the middle of the Jack and the Ace. That seems like two sorted.

AMANDA Wicked! Leaving a Jack on the left. The Diamond is to the left of the Queen. So it could be Jack of Diamonds or Jack of Hearts.

LUKE Wait. It says that the Heart is to the left of the Jack. So it can’t be Jack of Hearts. It has to be Jack of Diamonds.

AMANDA Leaving the King to go with the Heart. So what do we have?

LUKE King of Hearts, Jack of Diamonds, Queen of Spades, and Ace of Clubs… in that order.

10 AMANDA Yes! We’ve done it! This is so crazy, dude! Yes! I love you O’Casey! You genius! Yes! Yes! Yes! [She aggressively hugs Luke.]

LUKE You do? I love you too Rose… Rose…

AMANDA Rose-Duncan. I told you. Not my fault.

LUKE My bad. Pompous parents, right?

AMANDA You got it!

[There is a momentary pause in the celebrations where the two look into each others eyes. They are smiling, almost laughing, falling for each other in their moment of victory. Amanda breaks the contact.]

AMANDA Come on, let’s stand on the X.

[They walk over and stand on the ‘X’. The Dealer appears on the platform.]

DEALER Level One. Complete. Well done Amanda and well done Luke.

LUKE Thank you.

AMANDA We did it together. Easy!

DEALER Cocky. Very American. I love it. The sky’s the limit, right? What number would you like next? Remember, two is no more.

AMANDA I chose last time, dude.

LUKE Oh, I don’t know. How about… how about four?

DEALER Four has been selected. Superb. Stay on the X to continue ‘House Always Wins’. You will be sent to location number four: Diamonds. [Lovingly] Arrivederci!

[Lights to blackout. The ‘House Always Wins’ theme tune plays.]

11 Scene Three

[Lights rise. The stage is filled with bright red light. Jack of Diamonds is standing in front of Amanda and Luke. Jack is in all red. Jack of Diamonds speaks much quicker than the other Jacks, as if under time restraints.]

DEALER [V/O] Welcome to Diamonds. This is Level two.

J/DIAMONDS You made it in one piece.

AMANDA Sure did. You’ll have to try better than that, Jack of Hearts!

J/DIAMONDS Actually, I’m the Jack of Diamonds, hence, the red.

LUKE Nice to meet you. I’m Luke O’Casey.

J/DIAMONDS Certainly. If truth were told we have not a moment to lose. Your task for the suit of Diamonds is an intriguing one, most definitely. Abstract thinking is needed. Your task in the suit of Diamonds is as documented in the envelope. [He gets out an envelope and passes it to them.] You know the rules. Finish the task, stand on the X, off you go. Forwards if you win, backwards if you lose. Win, lose, win, lose. You get the idea. Good luck.

AMANDA Why are you speaking so damn fast? You’re stressing me out.

J/DIAMONDS Time is of the essence, Amanda. You’re going to be under pressure with this one. Arrivederci!

[Jack of Diamonds exits.]

LUKE I don’t… I mean… I don’t like the sound of this, Amanda.

AMANDA We’re a team remember. We did it before and we can do it again. Right, let’s see what we have this time. [She opens the envelope.] It says ‘Using the terms ‘four suits’, ‘thirteen cards per suit’, ‘black and red cards’ and ‘the value of the cards if the Joker, as one entity, represents the number one’. How does a deck of cards represent a year? There is a five minute time limit. Good Luck from The Dealer’

LUKE Five minutes? Quick, where’s the clues?

AMANDA That’s all we got, dude. I don’t understand it.

LUKE Bloody Jones!

AMANDA Will you please stop saying that! It’s getting on my nerves.

LUKE There’s… There’s no need to stress. Right, a year, 365 days. Okay, first thing. Four suits. What is there four of in a year?

12 AMANDA I don’t know. Four full moons?

LUKE I don’t think it would be that. That varies too much. Hmm… I don’t know. Four… four… four…

AMANDA Seasons? Autumn, Winter, Summer, Spring? I must be right! Whats the next one?

LUKE Thirteen cards in a suit.

AMANDA Thirteen something. There’s twelve months, so that’s not it. I'm totally lost. I haven’t got a clue. Let’s move on, dude!

LUKE Can I quickly ask you something?

AMANDA Not now. We’re under a time limit remember.

LUKE Please. It won’t take a second.

AMANDA Go on. What is it?

LUKE I was just… I was just wondering. If, you know, if or when we get out of this hell hole. If you’d like to go out with me sometime. I think you’re lovely. Tempremental, maybe but lovely!

AMANDA Tempremental?

LUKE You asked me what I liked. You were interested. You called me a totally sexy loser. For those two minutes you made me feel good about myself and the person I am and I think I can do the same for you. A loving heart can end suffering, you know. I can make you happy. The sun can put an end to rain, my mom always told me. I’d really like it if we could possibly go out sometime, maybe. I realise we’ve only just met but I can feel a bond already. Don’t want to put you under pressure or anything. What do you think?

AMANDA [Lost for words.] Err… whoa! Wow! Yeah, I guess so. Why not but errr… let’s get out of here first and then we can talk about it. Before I know it you’ll be putting a ring on my finger next.

LUKE Well we are in Diamonds after all.

AMANDA Excuse me?

[Pause.]

LUKE Amanda… I have another question.

AMANDA We have less than five minutes! [Looking back at the task] Okay, black and red. One or the other. Black or red. Black. Night? Night and day? Do you think that’s what it is?

13 LUKE Sounds good to me, baby.

AMANDA Don’t call me that. [Authoritative] Let’s take night and day as right for now. Value of the cards if a Joker equaled one. So we have to add up them up. [Using her fingers] So one plus two plus three plus four plus five…

LUKE The answers 365.

AMANDA What the hell?

LUKE Taking it that Ace is equal to one, of course. Multiply the figure by four. 364. Plus one for the joker. 365 days in a year.

AMANDA Okay, maybe I was right in calling you Einstein earlier on.

LUKE Not Einstein. I prefer Lev Landau. He’s a Universalist. Genius. Brilliant, brilliant man. Maths is the one thing I’ve really been blessed with. Also, I’ve been thinking.. I wonder… I mean… It would be funny right if… Well, if the thirteen thing was to do with the thirteen phases of the lunar cycle. [Luke is laughing.] Space. Mnemonics. That’s something else that interests me. Did you know that a first-quarter Moon follows a daily path in the sky corresponding to that of the Sun. So it appears at the highest altitude, or "runs high" as they call it in the profession. It’s to do with the vernal equinox.

[Amanda grabs Luke and runs to the X.]

LUKE [cont’d] No need to yank me.

AMANDA Shut up, O’Casey! [Shouting] Okay, Dealer. How’s about this. The four suits for the four seasons, the thirteen in each suit for the thirteen phases of the lunar cycle, black and red for day and night, and finally, if you add up the value of each card, counting the joker as one, the result is 365, the number of days in a year. Done! How’s that?

LUKE [Silence.] I take it we’re wrong!

[Dealer appears.]

DEALER Level Two. Complete. With twenty seconds to spare. Once again, well done Amanda and well done Luke. Apologies for the wait, just playing with you. How was the pressure?

AMANDA Whatever! We’ll take three next time. Bring it on.

DEALER Still cocky. Interesting. Three has been selected. Magnificent. You see that X over there? Stay on the X to continue ‘House Always Wins’. You will be sent to location number three: Clubs. [Quickly] Arrivederci!

[Blackout. The ‘House Always Wins’ theme tune plays.]

14 Scene Four

[Lights rise. Jack of Clubs is standing in front of Amanda and Luke. Jack is in all black. Jack of Clubs is obviously aggressive in everything he does.]

DEALER [V/O] Welcome to Clubs. This is level three.

LUKE Before we start, can I ask you something yet?

AMANDA What is it this time? Are you going to ask me to marry you now? Jesus Christ!

LUKE [Pause. Luke is hurt.] I was only going to say that I’m confused. I wasn’t going to ask you to marry me. The Jack of Hearts was black. Jack of Diamonds was red.

AMANDA And?

LUKE Well why was the Jack of Hearts black? Hearts aren’t black. I don’t understand.

J/CLUBS Didn’t think you’d get this far!

AMANDA What happened to wishing us the best of luck?

J/CLUBS I’m the Jack of Clubs.

LUKE Why, may I ask, do you all say Arrivederci? Why not just say goodbye?

J/CLUBS Italian sponsors. Business is business.

LUKE Oh. I see. I’m Luke and this…

J/CLUBS …I know who you are! You should be worrying about yourselves not us. Now listen to me and listen to me very, very carefully. There’s a reason why Clubs are black. Murky. Gloomy. Dark. The location most people trip up on. Your task in the suit of Clubs is a Question and Answer session. Five questions. You need to get three of the five correct to move onto Level four! I will not repeat a single question! I will take your first answer and your first answer only! You may, however, confer. So listen to me very carefully. Question One: Which country invented the joker?

AMANDA How are we supposed to know that?

LUKE America!

AMANDA Wait! You can’t just shout out random crap!

15 J/CLUBS Answer is correct.

AMANDA Bloody Jones! I mean… Oh, I don’t know what I mean.

J/CLUBS Question two: Which card is known as the Suicide King?

AMANDA Know this one do you?

LUKE No, but it must be one of four choices.

AMANDA [Mimicking] “Must be one of four choices.”

LUKE Well… yes. What’s… What’s your problem?

AMANDA You! When you think you’re all clever and better than me. I hate it! I thought we were meant to be a team?

LUKE What? I’m not doing anything. You’re paranoid!

J/CLUBS I need an answer.

AMANDA Answer? Okay. King of Spades.

J/CLUBS King of Spades is incorrect. Correct Answer is King of Hearts.

LUKE Why did you say that?

AMANDA Well you didn’t know!

LUKE Could have had a decent guess.

AMANDA It was a decent guess! Shut up!

LUKE I’m only saying.

J/CLUBS [The following isn’t heard by Amanda or Luke during the arguing] Question Three: Other than black, what colour are clubs?

AMANDA You’re not “only saying”. You’re trying to take over. You need me more than I need you, dude!

LUKE What? Hold on. [To the Jack of Clubs] What did you just say?

[Jack of Clubs is silent.]

AMANDA Oh, now look what you’ve done, bright spark!

LUKE You were the one talking. You’re going to lose this for us.

AMANDA Me? Go on then, guess the answer. See if you get it right this time.

16 LUKE Okay. Okay. Okay, I will! The answer is the… Ace! No. Yes.

J/CLUBS Ace is incorrect! Correct Answer is green.

AMANDA Well done, Brainy O’Casey!

LUKE Shut up! Shut up! Shut… shut up!

AMANDA Make me!

LUKE Why… Let’s just get on with this. Try and win the level and then talk about it.

AMANDA Whatever!

LUKE Fine!

J/CLUBS Question Four: What King is the only one in the pack without a moustache?

AMANDA Go on then! [Under her breath] Bastard!

LUKE I’m going to hazard a guess here. I… I think that the answer is… King of… Hearts?

AMANDA King of Hearts? Question two answer was King of Hearts. It won’t be the same again you idiot!

J/CLUBS King of Hearts is correct!

LUKE Haha! Yes! Take that, Rose-Duncan! Last question to win the level. Bring it on.

J/CLUBS Question Five: Name five card-based games.

LUKE Easy! Five games are Poker, Go Fish, Bridge, Rummy and…

AMANDA …and Happy Families. Not a game I ever played at home, to be honest.

J/CLUBS That is correct.

AMANDA No need to thank me.

LUKE Don’t worry! I won’t!

[They move to the X. Dealer enters.]

DEALER Level Three. Complete. Feeling the strain it seems.

17 AMANDA Come on, get this over with. I’m tired of spending my life with this jerk. Number one.

LUKE Jerk? That’s a bit harsh.

DEALER One has been selected. Glorious. You see that X over there? Stay on the X to continue ‘House Always Wins’. You will be sent to location number one: Spades. [Aggressively] Arrivederci!

[Blackout. The ‘House Always Wins’ theme tune plays.]

18 Scene Five

[Lights rise. The stage is filled with bright red light. Jack of Spades is standing in between Amanda and Luke. Jack is in all red. Jack of Spades is nothing but vicious.]

DEALER [V/O] Welcome to Spades.

AMANDA [As if carrying on a previous conversation] People from Minnesota are very special people. They manage to walk, talk, breathe, and yet apparently have no brain.

LUKE People from Minnesota? I’ll have you know that F. Scott Fitzgerald, Hubert Humphrey and J. Paul Getty were all born there. What groundbreaking people came from New Mexico?

AMANDA [Hesitating] What about Val Kilmer? Demi Moore!

LUKE The actors? You are seriously…

J/SPADES …Shut up! You need to focus! This is it! Last task!

AMANDA Thank the heavens. I can’t wait to get myself away from this freak.

LUKE Speak for yourself, dude.

J/SPADES If you don’t listen to me, I will take action into my own hands. So shut up for the last time before I wring your necks and no one gets out. Your task in the suit of Spades is as follows. [He gets out an envelope and chucks it at them. Amanda picks it up.] Read it! Now!

AMANDA It says ‘To emerge victorious from ‘House Always Wins’ and move back into the real world all you have to do is walk through the door’.

[Jack of Spades points to a door on the other side of the stage.]

LUKE Is that it?

J/SPADES You heard her! Walk through the door!

AMANDA Whatever! I’m out of here! Are you coming or not, Luke?

LUKE Yeah. This all seems a bit too easy though. I mean, surely…

[As Amanda goes to walk out the door, followed by Luke who is still visibly angry, Dealer appears in the doorway blocking her path.]

DEALER …Unfortunately, Miss Rose-Duncan, you may act like the Queen, top of the hierarchy and Luke may seem like a mere Ace. But in this case, Ace is high! Your companion is once again on the money. The instructions in the envelope failed

19 to mention one important little fact. You see, only one person can emerge victorious from ‘House Always Wins’ not two. What kind of game would it be if everyone was a winner? You should have listened to the instructions more carefully. Only one. Not two. Happy decision-making. Oh, and by the way, my cocky American friends, here’s another envelope for you. I hope it helps you pick a winner.

[Jack of Spades gives Amanda the envelope and then exits. Amanda opens the envelope. Inside is a gun. Amanda drops it to the floor in surprise.]

AMANDA What! I don’t understand.

DEALER What’s not to understand? You let location determine emotion.

LUKE What… You… I mean, what? Location determine emotion?

DEALER Precisely.

LUKE How?

DEALER Level one: Hearts; to fall in love. Level two: Diamonds; to put under pressure to take it further. Level three: Clubs; anger; the urge to hit each other. Level four: Spades; to bury or kill off.

LUKE What has that got to do with dictating our emotions?

DEALER You never once questioned if location one was really Hearts. If I’m being honest, you could have picked any number and we still would have given you Hearts. The location, and the colour of the suit, was as it was to take control of your relationship. You don’t think this was just a game? We wouldn’t go to all this trouble to suck you in for a game? Think of it more… as a social experiment. Yes. Social experiment. We are your society. That rids the guilt.

LUKE Is that why the suits had different colours?

DEALER Why, of course. We planted one of you with the ‘Red Spades, Black Hearts’ virus when the game was loading, at random, of course. It’s now inside one of you. The word ‘spade’ is taken from the Italian word, meaning sword. A black Heart, on the other hand, is a person with evil running through their veins. In essence, one of you is red; full of anger, with an evil, black heart and this sword is on the floor for your personal use to help you win the game. You will turn red with rage and kill the other. Who will that be? You decide. We’ve wasted enough time.

[Dealer exits.]

LUKE What… What… Bloody Jones! What the…

AMANDA I don’t understand. What have they done to us?

20 LUKE What’s not to understand? It’s you or me. The only way we are going to get out of here. They’ve got us under their control like puppets or voodoo dolls. Go on then, shoot me. You’ve been wanting to ever since I asked you on a date.

AMANDA Why don’t you ever shut up? Try to think of something constructive to get us both out.

LUKE Oh, this coming from the girl who thinks I have no brain. My bad. Speak for yourself.

AMANDA You’ve been nothing but a yellow chicken from the start. I could have done this by myself if they let me!

LUKE Without me we wouldn’t have made it past Level One.

AMANDA Yeah, right. As if. You’re talking out of your ass.

LUKE You… You are an ass!

AMANDA Okay, Mr. Bloody Jones geek! If you really want to settle this then we’ll count to three. We run for the gun, first one to grab it shoots. Either way, we both get out of this hell-hole. Who knows, that door may have nothing on the other side. Who’s to say we’re not stuck here forever?

LUKE No. It can’t be.

AMANDA Fine, then! If you want to play it like that.

LUKE Fine! Fine! Ready?

AMANDA I was born ready, dude! I know a rat when I see one.

[Pause.]

LUKE One!

AMANDA Two!

LUKE Three!

[They both run for the gun. Luke gets to the gun first as Amanda jumps on top of him. A brief scuffle ensues. Suddenly a gunshot fills the stage. Amanda falls to the floor, dead. Luke drops the gun and falls to his knees]

LUKE Shit! Shit, shit, shit! Amanda? Amanda? I didn’t think it would be. I mean… I mean… Oh my… Amanda? Can you hear me? [Begins to cry.] I didn’t think… I didn’t do it on purpose. Why did it have to be like this? Why does it have to end like this? I love you Amanda. I really do. I don’t know what came over us. I don’t know what came over me, rather. I love you, I love you, I love you.

21 DEALER [V/O] Congratulations Luke O’Casey. You have been victorious in ‘House Always Wins’. Please, play again. You may exit through the door. [The ‘House Always Wins’ theme tune plays.]

LUKE [To Amanda] I’m not going anywhere!

[Jack of Spades enters.]

J/SPADES I’m on special orders to escort you to the door, Mr. O’Casey!

LUKE I can’t leave Amanda.

J/SPADES You have the black heart remember. I’m sure you’ll find a way. The house always wins!

[Jack of Spades picks up Luke and pushes him towards the door.]

LUKE I didn’t think it would be me with the black heart. How could it be? I love you Amanda!

[Luke goes through the door.]

DEALER [V/O] Game Over!

[Blackout.]