HOW TO BE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

The truth isn’t out there, it’s in here.

Watch the skies. Keep looking. Ss FORWARD, CONTRIBUTORS

CONTENTS

Dear alien abductee, Editor–in–chief Kevin Braddock There is no guarantee that you will be abducted Associate editor by aliens once you have read this manual. Richard Benson We cannot predict who aliens will abduct next, Contributing editor or when they plan to abduct someone from Mark Hooper earth. It is not for us to know the wisdom of Writer and researcher visitors from other worlds. But we know that the Liz McGrath information in this manual will help you maximise Thanks to your chances of being abducted by aliens. Christopher Martin, Margaret Fry, The information here has been researched from Russel Callaghan, Jennifer Kabat a wide variety of sources in the and and Alex Bilmes community. By understanding Illustrators more about visitors from other worlds, the kinds Andrew Rae of spacecraft they fly, the locations in which Dave Brown they’ve been sighted and the type of person they Devised, usually abduct, you can prepare yourself as fully commissioned and published by as possible to be abducted by extra-terrestrials. The Fish Can Sing There is no certifiable proof that aliens exist, Designed and or that people have been abducted. But there produced by is no proof that they don’t exist, and that many Fibre people haven’t been abducted.Abductees and UFOlogists typically have to fight against Page widespread scepticism of their claims. 4-5 Some commonly spotted UFOs 6-7 Some commonly encountered aliens What do we believe? We believe that it’s better 8-17 The Top 40 UK alien abduction hotspots to believe.The key to your enjoying the 18-19 How to be abducted by aliens in London: experience of alien abduction is learning how Interview with Christopher Martin 20-21 Most Wanted: The 10 Britons most likely to wait, so take your time and enjoy this manual. to be Abducted by Aliens We hope it will help you get the most out of 22-23 How to tell if you’ve been abducted by aliens your abduction by aliens. 24-25 The art of waiting 26-27 How to wait to be abducted by aliens Bon voyage! 28-30 The A to Z of alien abduction The editor 31 Listen up: What to listen to during your The Bright orbs of light of varying dimension COME FLY from 10-100ft Most commonly reported during World War II by pilots, and investigated by the Royal Navy and Home Office WITH ME In 2003 a man in Erdington claimed a small bright light which he described as a Tinkerbell SOME COMMONLY SPOTTED UFOS fluttered through his house. Rose Gillespie and Marion Vance witnessed a green light above Craigneuk in Scotland. The light moved around The British Isles attract a certain type of UFO. The following are listed their car before shooting off in the direction in order of their frequency of visits. of Muirhouse

The Saucer The Delta The classic shape, reminiscent Triangular or wing-shaped with lights on of an upturned dish, often accompanied by each corner flashing lights 50-100 yards in length Large variation in reported size and dimension Occasionally attributed as a Vulcan or B-2 Easily forged by amateur hoaxers Stealth Bomber, or a supposed test plane, Very common in sightings today the TR3B Spotted over Hainault, in August 2003, where Grace Thomas and her friend Mel Rex observed a squat oval shape with bright lights and strange markings

The Cigar The Ring Cylindrical, cigar or missile-shaped Circular or blob shape Of varied size and length. Fast moving. Able to 60ft in length turn, change direction and stop at high speed Alternating flashes of colour Former airline worker Douglas Wragg, 71, Allan Spick, 66, described a hollow object witnessed a cylinder-shaped flying object flashing red and yellow, 1,000 yards above his like two rolls of carpets which climbed to over home in Belvoir Gardens, Lincolnshire in 2003. 20,000ft over Petts Hill in 2003 In September of 2003, Jim and Christine Webley spotted a strange blob-like sphere in Bolsover, Derbyshire on three separate occasions

4 5 WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS Reptoids SOME COMMONLY ENCOUNTERED Aliens 5-7ft in height Green leathery skin Reptilian in appearance The Universe may be inhabited by billions of lifeforms, yet only a few are known to visit Earth.The following have been repeatedly sighted Red eyes around the United Kingdom and are listed in order of their frequency Intelligent Reptoids are thought to control the Greys of sighting. Also known as: Alpha-Draconians, Altairians, Booteans, Nagas, Reticulans Greys 3-4ft in height Grey Blues/Greens Large head with eyes, a small mouth Appear in green or blue gaseous form and no nose Mist engulfs pedestrians or motorcars Long, thin limbs Benign In 1995 a Gloucestershire man omtold his the car Cheltenham by gangly Psychic humanoids Research about In 1991, Graham Holland says he was surrounded Group that he was abducted fr in a green mist while working at Dover harbour. 4ft tall with grey skin, long, thin extremities, no nose, only a slit for He claims information was passed to him telepathically a mouth and wide black eyes

Nordics 6-8ft in height Humanoid Chupacabras Blond hair, Aryan appearance 3ft in height Believed to resemble humans in order to interact Tan brown skin with us and to help co-ordinate abductions Horned skull with elongated jaw Also known as: Agharians, Anakim, Antarcticans, Atlans, Red eyes Pleiadeans, Telosians Distinctive ammonia smell Susan from the North of England reported being abducted in the late A former police officer walking the Yorkshire Moors near Ilkley in Seventies by tall humanoid creatures with large eyes, pale skin and very December 1987 encountered a small entity with pointed ears and large blond hair dark eyes which scampered off into a disc-shaped UFO

6 7 Where to be abducted: top 40 uk hotspots Logic suggests you’re most likely to be abducted from places aliens are known to have visited, and this list is the definitive guide to alien activity in the United Kingdom. Some locations exhibit a high incidence of sightings while others report only one or two UFO visits – the locations have been ranked on a scale of one to ten accordingly. While it’s clear that sightings can happen anywhere, aliens prefer to visit particular places in the UK repeatedly. The distribution is such that few people are more than one to two hours drive away from a likely alien abduction spot.The top ten hotspots are listed below.

1 Bonnybridge, Lanarkshire, Scotland 2 Cley Hill, Wiltshire 3 The Great Orme, Llandudno, North Wales 4 Bedhampton, Hampshire 5 Walthamstow, London 6 Bonsall, Derbyshire 7 Rendlesham Forest, Suffolk 8 Bexleyheath, Kent 9 Glastonbury Tor, Somerset 10 Lewisham, London

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8 9 London In 2001 Christopher Martin filmed and London UFO Network) In August, 2000, a Brighton a UFO in Lewisham being chased reports ‘thousands of sightings Police helicopter chased a UFO. Aldgate by a police helicopter. He says, in Walthamstow and Chingford The craft appeared alongside Abductability: 9 ‘It was about 9.30pm and we could over the last 50 years.’These have the chopper at 1,000ft above UFO Type: see the helicopter focusing its peaked since 1999. In 1968 bus the town. Sergeant John Tickner Foo Fighters, Saucers searchlight on the UFO.’ Retired driver Bob Fall almost crashed watched the glowing object Christopher Martin filmed UFOs aviation enthusiast Douglas Wragg because of a UFO.‘Something floating outside the window from on top of Denning Point saw a UFO fly over his back came towards me very fast. It flew before disappearing into the tower block in Aldgate in broad garden in Lewisham in August straight across the road and there distance.They chased the mystery daylight.The footage shows many 2003.What he saw was ‘nothing was a loud crash as it struck the object for three minutes before small bright circular lights moving to do with aviation – I initially bank of the river Lea.The craft returning to base. around at high speeds. thought it was a kite but ruled was at least 9ft long, cigar-shaped Chingford, Essex Clapham Common that out when it climbed to and silver.’The police dredged Abductability: 7 Abductability: 3 about 20,000ft.’ the river but found nothing. UFO Type: Rings, UFO Type: Foo Fighters Streatham Deltas, Saucers An anonymous couple reported Abductability: 5 The South Chingford has experienced a wave two moving objects travelling UFO Type: Saucers Basingstoke, Hampshire of UFO reportings over the last parallel to each other as they A young businessman viewed Abductability: 4 20 years.An anonymous resident strolled across the common. ‘something bright moving across UFO Type: Foo Fighters said,‘I saw a peculiar object which ‘At first we thought they were the sky’. He saw it was a disc An anonymous woman joined looked unnatural, like something satellites,’ they said,‘but we realised with flashing on its base.‘I didn’t the M3 in 2003 and saw bright you would see in a they were moving much too believe in UFOs but after seeing strobe-like lights in the sky. film. I could see that it was quickly for satellites or commercial this I had to change my mind,’ ‘I looked up and there were two black and triangular in shape. aircraft.Then they started moving he said. bright circular lights that were Then I saw it spiral upwards into around each other as if they were moving around low in the sky,’ the clouds at an amazing speed.’ circling something.’ The Thames Abductability: 7 she recalled. Clacton-on-Sea, Essex Limehouse UFO Type: Bedhampton, Hampshire Abductability: 7 Abductability: 4 Foo Fighters, Saucers Abductability: 9 UFO Type: Saucers, UFO Type: Foo Fighters Nick Pope, former employee UFO Type: Rings, Saucers Cigars, Deltas In July 1989 a stream of phone of the MOD UFO unit, was In 2002 Anthony Woods filmed Reports made to Essex UFO calls were made to Scotland Yard contacted by commuters who a fleet of UFOs over Bedhampton. research groups suggest Clacton- by East Londoners seeing strange had seen a UFO from Waterloo An astonished Woods said,‘there on-Sea is a hotbed of UFO lights in the sky.The lights were Bridge, hovering over the Thames were hundreds of white luminous activity. In September 2000, a reported from Limehouse to one evening before moving off spheres above my home that holidaymaker photographed a Hackney to Leytonstone, and as at high speed. seemed to be performing saucer over Clacton Pier. He said, far away as Brighton. ‘it was shaped like a disc and Walthamstow sophisticated manoeuvres in Lewisham perfect formation.’ was hanging in the sky, totally Abductability: 9 motionless.Then it moved off Abductability: 8 UFO Type: Foo Fighters, Brighton, East Sussex UFO Type: Foo Fighters, out to sea and disappeared into Saucers, Rings, Cigars Abductability: 5 the skyline.’ Saucers, Cigars Roy Hale from ELUFON (Essex UFO Type: Rings, Saucers

10 11 King’s Lynn, Norfolk Woodbridge police station Keighley,Yorkshire craft. Captain Roger Wills reported Abductability: 6 reports ‘lights in the sky’ and that Abductability: 3 the UFO flashed silently down UFO Type: Deltas, ‘Rendlesham Forest had been UFO Type: Rings, Saucers the side of the jet so close that his Rings, Saucers lit up by a white light.’ Officer UFO activity peaked here in co-pilot involuntarily ducked. The Andrews family claim that Charles Halt at RAF Woodbridge 1999. Jeanette Khan saw a silver The pilots filed a formal ‘airmiss’ their son Jason has been repeatedly confirmed he saw the object ball encircled by lights hovering report, but a year-long inquiry abducted. Investigator Tony Dodd pulsating with red and blue lights. over trees in Keighley. Similar orbs found no explanation. is convinced their story is true. The incident remains shrouded were seen over Haworth Parish Nottingham ‘Having been selected for multiple in mystery. Church. Russ Kellet of UFO Abductability: 8 abductions,’ he said,‘I feel the aliens International Research Association UFO Type: Saucers, will follow Jason for many years The Midlands said ‘we have received about three Foo Fighters, Deltas to come, probably all his life.’ & The North reports a week, which is incredible.’ In May 1991 hundreds of people Dodd helped the family write their Bonsall, Derbyshire Liverpool saw huge low – flying objects over landmark 1998 account,‘The True Abductability: 9 Abductability: 6 Nottingham. Mrs Sylvester of Story of Alien Abduction’. UFO Type: Saucers, UFO Type: Foo Fighters, Deltas Calverton Village said ‘a distant Kent Foo Fighters, Rings Bright, fast-moving orange lights aircraft caught my attention. I then Abductability: 8 In June 2001, Sharon Rowlands are regularly reported over became aware of four large orange UFO Type: Rings, Saucers, filmed a UFO flying above her Liverpool, the Mersey and Wirral. or white spotlights in the shape Cigars, Deltas home.The film was described Eric Morris took superb video of a cross.As they passed overhead, Saltwood,Aylseford and Snodland as ‘one of the most important of three saucers near Liverpool I heard a deep humming noise.’ have all reported UFO sightings pieces of footage ever taken’. Airport in 2003.The video shows Rivington, nr Bolton, and landings.Veteran investigator Sharon said,‘it was huge – it the UFOs following an aeroplane Lancashire Margaret Fry saw a UFO land in appeared to expand and then on the approach. Abductability: 5 Bexleyheath in 1950. An anonymous get smaller as it hovered in the Loughborough, Leicestershire UFO Type: spotter saw ‘a large black triangular sky. It was covered with yellow, Abductability: 4 Foo Fighters, Rings craft with three red-coloured discs orange and blue lights.’ Bonsall UFO Type: Foo Fighters A number of unexplained on its undercarriage.The black craft residents recorded 20 further In 1999 Adam Greaves and Jane sightings in 2003. One man saw was a perfect triangle, with no sightings in a few months. Harms of Loughborough saw a ‘two flying circles of light, one jagged edges or visible rear tailfin.’ Fleetwood, Lancashire ball of light shoot past their car. inside the other’ above Rivington. Rendlesham Forest, Suffolk Abductability: 3 Greaves said,‘it wasn’t a shooting Four weeks later a woman in Abductability: 9 UFO Type: Saucers star, aircraft or comet.We were Adlington reported a similar sight UFO Type: Rings, Delta Fleetwood has experienced driving at about 60mph, but it over Winter Hill. In 1979 a pilot An incident from December a wave of UFO activity since was a lot faster than us.’ flying over Bolton saw a bright 1980 has become the UK’s own January 2003. Eight people from Manchester circular object about 12 metres ‘Roswell’. Following reports the same street have seen, Abductability: 7 across moving below him. It was of a possible air crash near RAF photographed and independently UFO Type: Saucers, Deltas moving at 250 mph. Woodbridge, security officers videotaped some ‘absolutely Manchester pilots have reported discover a triangular metallic incredible’ UFO activity above a number of unexplained ‘near- object in the forest covered with their home and off-shore. misses’. In 1995 a Boeing 737 strange symbols.A log at nearby was overtaken by a wedge-shaped

12 13 Scarborough,Yorkshire Broad Haven, Dyfed The Great Orme, Llandudno a saucer-shaped object hover Abductability: 8 Abductability: 7 Abductability: 9 over the Tor and a fiery-red ball UFO Type: Deltas, Rings, UFO type: Deltas, Cigars UFO type: Saucers, Deltas, appeared over the hill and then Foo Fighters There were hundreds of sightings Foo Fighters moved rapidly over Glastonbury. In 1998 the RAF tracked a UFO over Pembrokeshire in the mid to In November 1997, there were In 1990 a police officer saw eight ‘as big as a battleship’ off the coast late-Seventies. In 1977 14 pupils multiple sightings of UFOs over egg-shaped objects in formation of Scarborough. Fighters were at Broad Haven Primary School the Great Orme, varying from over the Tor. scrambled but unable to keep up. claimed to witness a cigar-shaped ‘frightening lights’ to ‘a craft the A source said,‘it was definitely craft land in a field next to size of a football pitch’.A family Scotland under control, judging by their playground. driving their car was overshadowed Aberdeen, Aberdeenshire manoeuvres it executed. It appeared Cley Hill, nr Salisbury plain, by a purple triangular craft overhead. Abductability: 4 to be triangular and was almost War minster, Wiltshire They ‘lost’ five hours of time. UFO type: Deltas, Foo Fighters 900ft long.’ Abductability: 9 Penzance, Cornwall Fireballs have been seen streaking Stratford-Upon-Avon, UFO type: Rings, Saucers, Abductability: 4 across Aberdeen’s skies, and UFOs Warwickshire Cigars, Deltas, Foo Fighters UFO type: Rings, Deltas are regularly reported. Resident Abductability: 5 Thousands of people across In 1997 town crier Phillip Glett Mrs Davies observed up to 15 UFO Type: Saucers, Foo Fighters Wiltshire have observed strange witnessed ‘a large rugby ball-shaped bright orbs over her back garden. In 1994, a woman saw ‘a disc- lights and objects in the sky over light in the night sky. I watched it Bonnybridge, Lanarkshire shaped, brightly-coloured UFO. the last 50 years, centering above for a good 20 minutes, and can Abductability: 9 It was emanating orange and Cley Hill’s iron age hill fort. say it wasn’t like any aircraft I UFO type: Saucers, Deltas, pink light, hovering and making Sightings took off in the 1960s have seen, nor was it a balloon. Cigars, Rings, Foo Fighters a humming noise.’After a few with lights and rings being seen The light continued to glow with The ‘UFO capital of the UK’. seconds, the object sped off at time and time again. Locals refer its unmistakeable golden colour There have been thousands of speed in a northerly direction. to them as ‘The Thing’. and then vanished without a trace.’ reported sightings in the area. ‘We were all gobsmacked,’ the Denbigh, North Wales Plymouth, Devon Stirling-based expert Ron woman said. Abductability: 4 Abductability: 7 Halliday suggested Bonnybridge UFO type: Rings, Saucers UFO type: Rings, could be ‘a window into another Wales & the West In 1974 two women leaving Saucers, Cigars dimension’. In 1989 a fire crew The Berwyn Mountains, Powys Denbigh Hospital saw a bright In February 2004 Bob Boyd attending a blaze at Gradrum Abductability: 8 light hang in the sky for several produced some of the best ever Moss witnessed Foo Fighters UFO type: minutes before rocketing away photographs of saucers hovering that circled the firemen at Foo Fighters, Saucers at great speed. Sightings are above St. Budeaux in Plymouth. close range before moving Site of a claimed UFO crash frequently reported over the Experts have confirmed they off at high speed. in 1974. Reports state that Denbigh Moors. One man saw are genuine. locals were certain a disaster had ‘a with red lights Tor Hill, Glastonbury, Somerset occurred, and most thought hovering very low over the Abductability: 9 an aeroplane had crashed. moors. It shot off faster than UFO Type: Saucers, Yet authorities have refused I have ever seen any plane move.’ Foo Fighters, Deltas to acknowledge that anything The sight of intensive paranormal unusual took place. activity. In 1989 workers saw

14 15 Cumbernauld, Lanarkshire of East Kilbride saw,‘two red Abductability: 9 lights in the sky, practically over UFO type: Saucers, Deltas, my house.They moved in a way Foo Fighters that no helicopter or a plane In February 2003 a UFO appeared could move, and there was no in the sky above Kingsgate Retail sound. Both of them swooped Park, causing drivers to bump their right down to ground level cars. Several people saw a huge and went into nearby woods silver object in the sky at 8.45am and vanished.’ on a very clear day.A local woman Stirling said,‘It looked like the dishes Abductability: 7 you see on the side of television UFO type: Deltas, Rings, transmitters. It was huge… and Saucers pulsating.Then it just suddenly On 20th March 2003 Brian disappeared.’ McPhee filmed a grey-coloured Fife object in broad daylight. Deltas and Abductability: 6 saucers have also been seen to pass UFO type: Deltas, Cigars directly over Stirling Castle. In 1996 two couples were Northern Ireland allegedly taken in their car from County Down a country road.They discovered Abductability: 4 a craft hovering above a field and UFO type: Saucers hundreds of small figures in the In 1999 Harry Welsh, 42, spotted fields.‘They were all busily working a saucer flying offshore. Harry and seemed to be supervised by took 35 seconds of footage of one alien in particular’, said one the saucer over the Irish Sea, of the women.The ‘cocoon-like’ flying in a north-westerly craft approached the car.They direction at an altitude of 1,500ft. believe they were taken because The object stopped a few times they have experienced flashbacks, before disappearing at very high ‘the little ones were smiling at me’, speed.Alan Sewell of the Centre the abductee added of Irish UFO Studies said,‘It is Kilbride, Lanarkshire not a conventional aircraft. Abductability: 8 It’s unidentified.’ UFO type: Saucers, Deltas, Cigars Scotland’s ‘UFO Bermuda Tr iangle’ exists between Edinburgh, Stirling and East Kilbride. Kenny McDonald, 37,

16 17 The second, Martin explains, is that alien sightings and abductions take place more often in the countryside than in the city.Yet city-dwellers reporting many more sightings and abductions. In 2001, Martin shot extraordinary footage from the top floor of Denning Point tower block in Aldgate East, where a silver spherical object is seen flying towards HOW TO BE ABDUCTED him and hovering above. Martin now devotes the majority of his time to skywatching.‘Aliens BY ALIENS IN LONDON normally show themselves on clear days, with little cloud,’ he says. The age of the ‘urban alien abduction’ is here. ‘If you’ve got a large back garden with a good view of the sky then that Expert LONDON-BASED UFOlogist Christopher will suffice. Failing that, take to the streets and find a nice large plot Martin explains how to lift off from London. of land, such as Wanstead Flats or Hampstead Heath where you can sit down and watch the sky. The visitors are here. London skies are swarming with unidentified ‘I find that meditating beforehand will help you to concentrate and flying objects. In the past few years UFOs have regularly been visiting possibly to communicate with the aliens through telepathy,’ he adds. areas of London including Shoreditch,Walthamstow, Chingford, ‘If you see a craft in the sky you should concentrate on it and try to Leytonstone,Aldgate,Whitechapel, Lewisham and Crystal Palace. speak to it through telepathy. Calmly tell them your name and ask them There have been myriad sightings of spherical objects, black triangles to take you away.’ and cigar-shaped UFOs. But keen adbuctees needn’t stay within the street of the capital, Martin Forty-three-year-old Christopher Martin has emerged as an expert on argues.A spin on the orbital routes and arteries of the capital are ideal the UFOlogy of the capital.An East Londoner, he regularly gives talks alien abduction ‘UFOecals’ – which have a clear view of the sky in and appears on TV,while his book ‘Intruders in the Night’ intimately front and a quiet road, aliens can follow easily.You may notice that your documents his own experience of alien sighting and abduction. radio becomes crackled – FM frequency loss is a common indicator ‘You can be abducted by aliens anywhere and at any time,’ says of an impending abduction.And ‘lost time’ – the unaccountable hours Christopher,‘but the classic abduction is where you’re lying in bed between first sighting aliens and returning to normal consciousness and you’re awakened by a bright light.You become paralysed and are – means your dashboard clock might not be much use either. lifted or floated out of your room, often through the walls, and brought Chris has very little memory of his own abduction by aliens several onto a spaceship. Experiments are carried out on you, and you are then years ago, but he relishes being taken again.‘It’s frustrating not being put back into bed.’ able to remember exactly what happened. Often they will put ‘screen’ Martin is far from traumatised by his alien abduction of several years memories in your brain, to cover up the memory of the abduction. ago. On the contrary – the experience filled him with a thirst to Images of owls often appear in people’s minds, probably because with discover more about our alien friends, and he now devotes time to their big eyes they bear a resemblance to the Greys. Even if you breaking down misconceptions around UFOs and extra-terrestrial remember nothing at first, something usually happens at some point abduction.The first of which is that the best time to be abducted by where it permeates your consciousness and you start to remember aliens is at night – 90 per cent of UFO sightings have been on very pieces until it all comes flooding back.’ clear days.Aliens will happily take you as you’re sunbathing in your He has no idea when the next visit is planned. But in the heart of the back garden. East End Christopher Martin continues to watch the skies. He knows the visitors aren’t far away.

18 19 most wanted The 10 Britons most likely to be abducted by aliens

Aliens are not stupid.They do not select candidates for abduction 5 , rock star, 57 on the basis of their wealth, looks, ability to sing or dance, or on the Bowie repeatedly invoked space travel, aliens and cosmology in his straightness of their hair, knowledge of soap plotlines or current affairs. songs, suggesting profound knowledge of other worlds.At the height Research has shown aliens abduct a certain kind of human – people of his rock star excesses, Bowie became convinced that aliens were with intelligence, good communication skills, environmental concern trying to abduct him – the extra-terrestrials clearly had good taste and a sense of adventure.They may also drive or take walks in lonely in music. places.The following candidates closely match this profile, and are likely 6 Bjork, singer, 38 to be abducted by aliens at any moment. The eccentric singer is possessed of a fierce intelligence and is an active voice in the environmental lobby.‘All the modern things/Like cars and 1 Johnny Wilkinson, rugby player, 24 such/Have always existed/They’ve just been waiting in a mountain/For The unassuming England XV player maintains a low profile, but his the right moment,’ she sang, clearly hinting at knowledge of unknown quiet intelligence and physical strength shout loud.A man who stands civilisations. apart, he is routinely found in the remotest regions of the pitch, silently 7 Jay Kay, singer, 35 waiting.Adept at catching flying objects,Wilkinson is the dream Jay Kay’s hellraising profile masks a thoughtful character with profound alien abductee. environmental concern – his debut single ‘When You Gonna Learn?’ 2 Brian May, guitarist, 57 discoursed on man’s destruction of nature. Regular spins from his Queen’s wild-haired hero Brian May exhibited a keen interest country mansion in his cars also provide aliens with ample opportunity in the cosmos by choosing to read Physics & Infrared Astronomy at to abduct the natty popstar. Imperial College. If we believe the wisdom of Withnail & I’s Danny 8 Sir Patrick Moore, astronomer, 81 – ‘Hair are your aerials.They pick up signals from the cosmos’ – Brian The venerable astronomer has placed himself at risk of alien abduction may already be in contact with aliens. throughout his life, spending the majority of his time scrutinising the 3 Alan Titchmarsh, gardener, 53 night skies. His extensive knowledge of outer space fully qualifies him With an appeal transcending age, sex and class boundaries, affable BBC for a trip through the Universe aboard an alien craft. gardener Alan Titchmarsh is one of the country’s leading communicators. 9 Jenson Button, racing driver, 24 When he talks, the nation listens in. Extensive periods of time spent Jenson’s love of the open road has taken him to the champion’s grid alone in gardens place Alan at high risk of abduction by aliens. of Formula 1 – but could it put him at risk of abduction by aliens? 4 Ellen Macarthur, yachtswoman, 27 He enjoys mountain biking and snowboarding – adventure pursuits that Demonstrating superior physical and mental strength, yachtswoman lead him into remote territories perfect for alien abduction. Ellen Macarthur sailed single-handedly around the world. Being alone 10 Kim Wilde, gardener, 43 on the high seas for weeks at a time mean Ellen is a likely candidate Kim Wilde traded life as a pop star to spend more time with her plants, for alien abduction. and is emerging as a celebrity gardener. Living in rural Hertfordshire, she enjoys long countryside walks and spends a lot of time in her garden during which abduction by aliens becomes a strong possibility.

20 21 HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS?

Many people may have been abducted by aliens without knowing it. Have you recently been engulfed by clouds of green or blue smoke They may have experienced lost time and be unable to explain or gas? Yes/No markings on their skin.They may relive confused visions of other Can you read others’ minds, or understand what people are trying to worlds and strange beings.They may also be afraid to tell others tell you without hearing their voices? Yes/No through fear of appearing insane. If any of this seems familiar to you, it could be a sign that you have been abducted by aliens.Take this Have you ever seen a UFO? Yes/No questionnaire to discover the truth. Have you ever seen an alien? Yes/No Have you ever gone to bed in one place and woken in another without Do you spend a long time in the garden? Yes/No knowing how? Yes/No Have you ever flown through the air? Yes/No Are there periods of hours or minutes you cannot account for? Yes/No Have you noticed men wearing black suits and sunglasses observing Have you recently taken longs walks or drives in remote you closely? Yes/No countryside? Yes/No Do you have the feeling that you are being watched by something Do you have any alien-type marks on your body? Yes/No or someone you cannot see or name? Yes/No Do you often suffer from headaches or migraines? Yes/No Results Have you recently been inspired to save the world from ecological 1-5 Yes answers disaster? Yes/No It is unlikely that you have been abducted by aliens. But this is no guarantee that extra-terrestrials haven’t earmarked you for a visit. Do you feel you have recently received vital information for the future of mankind that you must communciate to as many people 6-12 Yes answers as possible? Yes/No You may have been abducted by aliens, or may have been chosen for abduction in the future.To find out how to get the most from any Have you recently experienced a strong feeling of déjà vu? Yes/No forthcoming alien abduction, please consult the rest of this manual. In your déjà vu, can your recall: More than 13 Yes answers Being surrounded by short humanoid figures? Yes/No It is extremely likely that you have been abducted by aliens.You have Being examined or communicating in a non-verbal language? been chosen from among six billion people on earth by aliens wishing Yes/no to make contact with humans. But you may not be alone – many Being in unfamiliar surroundings – inside a spacecraft, for example? thousands of people have had experiences similar to yours. Since aliens Yes/no are known to abduct chosen individuals repeatedly, it is also very likely Do you ever get the feeling that others view you with suspicion, that you may be abducted by aliens again in the future. or think you are insane? Yes/No Do you ever feel you have been in some way ‘chosen’? Yes/no

22 23 THE ART OF WAITING

There are few things that mankind is more ill-equipped to do than Modern philosophy can also help. In his Situationist classic ‘The Critique wait. Elevating the creative spirit, we define ourselves by what we do. Of Everyday Life’, Henri Lefebvre argued that life is dominated by the Yet throughout history every culture has held patience to be a virtue. meaningless and the trivial. For Lefebvre, capitalism’s emphasis on the If we didn’t find waiting so difficult, it wouldn’t be a virtue.Those truly consumption alienated us from our true selves.The philosopher was committed to being abducted by aliens must first learn the heroic art interested in freeing us from this condition. Guy Debord elaborated on of waiting. this thought in ‘The Society Of The Spectacle’. In a world where everything This is not as easy as it seems. It is typical of the human condition that becomes a commodity, what are we to do? The answer is to wait. the more time we have to do nothing, the more diversions we invent to But wait for what? Such a question is typical of those still in a state of occupy ourselves.The modern concept of leisure is a false construct human bondage, unable to escape the world of commodities. Our only that alienates us from our being. In order to become reconciled with duty is to learn how to wait: to empty our minds of all thought, to achieve true nature, we must first instil within ourselves a sense of patience. a yogic sense of calm and attunement.We must create the habit of The Buddhists listed Patience (ksanti) as one of the perfections required ‘drifting’ – not looking for the meaning in the everyday, but in allowing to attain the enlightenment of Buddhahood. Christianity has long consciousness to impose its own meaning from above. Only then will equated self-denial with saintliness, believing that the ascetic life releases the supreme, divine being reveal itself to us: only then will we achieve the soul from bondage to the body, allowing for union with the divine. release from this world. This notion is directly sought through self-control and patience. Through the renunciation of petty desire the disciple aims to achieve the ultimate goal of life – moksa (release). For those who believe ancient religions found their roots through contact with extra-terrestrial life, the idea of release and union with a ‘divine’ being could point to one thing: alien abduction.

24 25 HOW TO WAIT FOR ALIENS

The key to preparing yourself for alien abduction is to remember the ‘C.O.O.L’ acronym: Composure Opportunity Organisation Location Composure: To be abducted by aliens, first compose yourself. Clear your mind of day-to-day worries, gather yourself physically and become at one with your spirit. Open your mind and concentrate on the sky.Wait. Opportunity: Provide your alien abductors with the best possible chance to take you away. Book out entire bank holidays and have as many evenings as possible free for your abduction. Organisation: Be prepared. Carry an ‘alien abductee pack’ at all times, including: tinned food and hot drink in case the alien diet is not to your liking. Some beer – to encourage conviviality in the aliens. An atlas to explain where you are from.Warm clothing: hat, scarf, gloves – it can be cold in the thin atmosphere of space.A good book – alien abductions often mean a lot of waiting around. Location: Try to find an area of countryside or garden. Moors and plains used for military exercises are perfect, since locals will not think the odd flash of light or loud noise to be unusual. You are now ready to be abducted by aliens.

26 27 the A–Z OF ALIEN ABDUCTION

A is for America F is for Foo Fighter K is for Key Q is for Queen As many as four million Americans Dave Grohl’s nu-metal group was The five notes the scientists keep Guitarist Brian May is a noted believe they have been abducted named after the spheres of light playing to get the spaceships’ skywatcher. by aliens. observed chasing US bomber attention in ‘Close Encounters Of R is for Regression, Hypnotic The Third Kind’ are played in the B is for Belgium planes during World War II. The most commonly used therapy key of B flat.The notes are: B flat, Home of the Surrealist UFO G is for Garden to help abductees come to terms C, A flat, (octave lower) A flat, E with their experience. sighting. One man was terrified After roads and bedrooms, the flat.There is no guarantee that by a ‘flying steeple with windows’ garden is the most common you will hear these notes when S is for the SETI Project and seven people reported a flying place from which to be abducted you become abducted by aliens. The Search For Extra Terrestrial flower pot with antennae. by aliens. L is for Lucid Dream Intelligence. Based at Berkley C is for Close Encounter H is for Hoax The psychological state of being University in the USA, the There are five kinds of Close The most newsworthy UFO hoax awake while dreaming, which has project uses a global network Encounter: CE1: a sighting was conducted by a team led by strong parallels to many alien of 3,000,000 computers to of a UFO at close range (within Chris Harries, who constructed abduction experiences. search for signs of life in space. 600ft). CE2: an encounter which a flying saucer and flew it over Sign up your computing power leaves some physical trace as Avebury in 2003. It cost around M is for and make contact at A mysterious group that shows evidence of a UFO sighting. £50,000 to build. http://setiathome.ssl.berkeley.edu/ up to intimidate witnesses of UFO CE3: A sighting of alien beings. I is for Identification sightings and related phenomena T is for Telepathy No direct communication. www.earthbounddog.com sells the government does not want Alien abductees report becoming CE4: an onboard UFO abduction dog tags for humans to wear in the public to know about. aware of messages and speech in experience. CE5: deliberate their heads without having heard the event of an alien abduction. N is for Neil Armstrong human behaviour which was anyone talk. followed by an obvious response J is for John, Sir Elton The first man on the moon is from the UFO and/or Humanoid. In his 1972 hit ‘Rocket Man’, reported to have insisted that U is for UFO Elton John hinted at his aliens have a base on the Moon. The British heavy metal band D is for Death knowledge of alien abduction. The aliens told him to ‘get off who had seven UK hit singles in No-one has ever been killed by He sang,‘I miss the earth so and stay off the Moon.’ the Eighties.The band reformed an alien abduction. much, I miss my wife/It’s lonely P is for Pope, Nick in 1985 with a bassist called E is for Energy Field Extraction out in space/On such a timeless The eminent British UFOlogist Atomic Tommy M. Many alien abductions involve the flight.’ Does he know something who manned the MOD’s UFO extraction of conscious energy we don’t? sightings desk for many years. from the subject’s body, employing the use of an extraction beam.

28 29 V is for The Vatican Y is for You Factions within the Roman As you experience alien abduction, Catholic hierarchy believe in your disposition may change to LISTEN UP UFOs.‘It is reasonable to believe become more positive.You may and affirm that extra-terrestrials choose to describe yourself exist,’Theologian Father Corrado as a ‘’,‘experiencer’ iPod> playlists> alien abduction!!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Balducci told The Times in 1998. or ‘participant’. Lionel Richie – Hello >> Fatboy Slim – You’ve Come a Long Way Baby >> Photek – UFO >> John Williams – Close Encounters Of The Third Kind >> Frank Sinatra ‘Their existence can no longer Z is for Zreck be denied.’ – Strangers In the Night >> Oasis – Up In the Sky >> The Timelords – Doctorin’ Steven Spielberg’s name for the The Tardis >> Pink Floyd – Speak To Me >> Basement Jaxx – Fly Life >> Elton W is for Waiting lead alien in the abandoned sequel John – Rocket Man >> – Rings Around The World >> Air The key skill in being abducted to ‘ET’,‘Nocturnal Fears’. ET – Surfin’ On A Rocket >> The Beastie Boys – Intergalactic >> Gustav Holst – The Planets Suite >> Russ Abbott – Atmosphere >> The KLF – 3AM Eternal >> U2 – by aliens. and Zreck were plastic models, Bullet The Blue Sky >> DJ Godfather – Aliens Ate My 303 >> Afrika Bambaataa X is for The X Files whereas aliens are real. & Soul Sonic Force – Planet Rock >> The Fifth Dimension – Up, Up & Away >> Joy Division – Transmission >> UFO – Unidentified Flying Object >> Led Zeppelin Agent Scully shares her surname – Stairway to Heaven>> The Prodigy – Out of Space >> The Tornadoes – Telstar with one of the forefathers of >> Interdimensional Frequencies – Space Invaders Are Smoking Grass >> UFOlogy: Frank Scully who wrote – Magical Mystery Tour >> Led Zeppellin – Misty Mountain Hop >> a sensational book entitled ‘Behind Bjork – It’s Oh So Quiet >> U2 – Mothers Of The Disappeared >> Stardust – Music The Flying Saucers in the 1950s.’ Sounds Better With You >> Zapp – (Everybody) Get Up >> Madness – One Step Beyond >> – You Really Got Me >> Royksöpp – In Space >> The Rolling Stones – Let’s Spend The Night Together >> Hawkwind – Silver Machine >> The Proclaimers – I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) >> Moby – We are All Made Of Stars >> Michael Jackson – Thriller >> Alien Sex Fiend – (E.S.T.) Trip To The Moon >> Black Sabbath – Paranoid >> Model 500 – No UFOs >> Layo & Bushwacka! – Nightstalking >> Will Smith – Men In Black >> Kate Bush – Wuthering Heights >> The Beatles – Nowhere Man >> Joe Satriani – Surfing with the Alien >> Laibach – Message From The Black Star >> Mogwai – Angels Versus Aliens >> Naked Funk – Alien Groove Sensation >> Outkast –ATLiens >> The Rollins Band – Alien Blueprint >> Sisters of Mercy – Black Planet >> Public Enemy – Fear Of A Black Planet >> Chic – Le Freak >> Roni Size/Reprazent – New Forms >> Basement Jaxx – Red Alert >> Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five – The Message >> Air – Moon Safari >> – The Passenger >> James Brown – Get Up (I Feel Like Being A) Sex Machine >> Lou Reed – Satellite Of Love >> Frank Sinatra – Come Fly With Me >> Stevie Wonder – Higher Ground >> Talking Heads – This Must Be The Place >> Foremost Poets – Moonraker >> Daft Punk – Around The World >> The Firm – Star Trekkin’ >> – I’m Waiting For The Man >> Daft Punk – Face To Face > Linton Kwesi Johnson – Five Nights Of Bleeding >> The Chemical Brothers – Galaxy Bounce >> Jackie Wilson – Higher & Higher >> Franz Ferdinand – Take Me Out >> The Doors – The Crystal Ship >> The Stone Roses – What TheWorld Is Waiting For >> The Beatles – Across The Universe >>> BasementJaxx & Dizzee Rascal – Lucky Star >> David Bowie – Starman >> Kiss – These Are Crazy Nights >> Donna Summer – I Feel Love >> Jamie Principal – Baby Wants To Ride >> Wham! – I’m Your Man >> Joe Smooth – Promised Land >> Joey Beltram – Energy Flash >> The Sun Ra Arkestra – Space Is The Place >> Adonis – No Way Back >> ATB – 9pm (Till I Come) >> Air – Kelly Watch The Stars >> Extra T – Extra T’s ET Boogie >> B is for Belgium

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