“NOT CURING CANCER” a play (in two acts) by Gerry Ringwald
THIRD DRAFT 2504 W. CATALPA AVE., APT. 1W SEPTEMBER 17, 2015 (REV.) CHICAGO, IL 60625 773-315-7729 [email protected] 2.
CAST OF CHARACTERS JANE HUXLEY - mid 40’s, widowed single mother, former public relations executive. DR. KAREN LAWSON - late 30s, cancer researcher. C.J. HUXLEY/DR. FELDMAN - late 40s, public relations legend; hospital physician. BOB PASTERNAK/BILLY JOE MONTANA - late 30s, a powerful sports agent; CEO of Dyno-Saurus Pharmaceuticals. SYLVIA TEMPLETON - late 30s, CEO of Ferguson-Utley. HARRIET J. ROMAN/NATASHA DRAGONOV - mid 50s, head of the Herbert F. Roman Foundation; Russian fashion designer. CHARLIE HUXLEY/JIMMY HAYES - early 20s, son of Jane Huxley; Olympic swimmer. VOICEOVER GUY - seasoned voiceover talent for commercial.
The time is the present. The place is the city of Chicago. 3.
ACT 1, SCENE 1 A spotlight appears on center stage. A large video screen is lowered. We see a film of a lab rat making its way through a maze. The rat is being zapped with an electrical charge to keep it moving. Another spotlight appears on stage left. Famed public relations guru, C.J. HUXLEY stands behind a podium. In his late-forties, HUXLEY is brimming with confidence and energy. HUXLEY If anyone really wants to know how the public relations game is played here in Chicago-- (He points to the video screen. The rat is halfway through the maze.) --follow “Sparky.” Think of this furry, helpless creature as your client. Your job is to guide this lost soul through the maze of malicious mass media marauders waiting to derail any carefully constructed corporate cover story. You must defend your client like a Ninja warrior! (He whips out a taser like a samurai warrior and holds it up high.) And your most powerful weapon? The art of...persuasion! He zaps the taser. On the video screen, the rat is shocked again and crosses the finish line. The lights come on. He holds up a presentation kit and switches to pure salesman mode. This and many more amazing P.R. insights are available in my new home study course: “C.J. Huxley’s Do-It-Yourself Public Relations Starter Kit.” And if you act now-- (He puts the taser on top of the kit.) --I’ll throw in a free taser! Remember: “No pain, no gain!” (He laughs and winks at the audience.)
Hey, we’re not curing cancer here, folks! (Lights out.) 4.
ACT 1, SCENE 2 A spotlight comes on center stage. JANE HUXLEY, an attractive woman in her mid-forties, addresses the audience. She is wearing a tailored business suit and holding a glass of wine. JANE saunters around the stage like a slightly tipsy party guest. JANE Wasn’t he wonderful? My husband, C.J. Huxley, was one of the true pioneers of modern P.R. prestidigitation. I say “was,” because...he’s dead! He passed away about a year ago. Prostate cancer. Yep. C.J. was such a-- (Her eyes get moist.) He was...he was such a...a-- (Suddenly, she looks angry.) --schmuck! Typical guy. Primo procrastinator. For months, he told me he felt “funny,” you know, down there. I told him to get a check-up, but he wouldn’t. I mean, why should he listen to me? I was only his wife! By the time he was taken to the hospital after doing a header into his Red Lobster shrimp sampler, C.J.’s cancer was Stage Four. To this day, every time I smell cocktail sauce, I-- (She tries to smile.) Hi. I’m Jane. The widow. A spotlight appears stage right. CHARLIE HUXLEY, Jane’s twenty-three year old son, is acting upset. CHARLIE Maaaaaa! JANE And this is my son, Charlie. CHARLIE Maaaaaa! JANE Expressive, isn’t he? CHARLIE is playing a Wii video game like a out-of-control ten-year old. He holds up his Wii remote stick in anger. 5.
CHARLIE (shouting) I can’t...Wii! My power stick is, like, totally drained. (He violently shakes the Wii remote several times in exasperation.) This really sucks! I was about to rescue Princess Zelda from the evil Ganon with my trusty-- (He throws down the dead remote.) Maaaaaaa! (His spotlight goes out.) JANE Twenty-three years old. Still living at home. Still tweeting girls who only exist in two dimensions. And ride unicorns. (She shakes her head.) With C.J. gone, somebody had to put food on the table. (She sighs.) I lost the coin toss. And Charlie said I had more job skills. Which brings us to-- (A glass door is lowered. On the door are two words: “Human Resources.”) My return to the workforce was greeted with about as much enthusiasm as an outbreak of cholera! (She looks at the audience.) And you older ladies know what I’m talking about. One day you’re competing for a slot on the varsity cheerleader squad and then suddenly...poof! You’re in a room full of young bitchy barracudas battling for some sucky entry level job you thought you had passed on the highway of life eons ago! (A beat.) H.R. people are just brutal. I think they deliberately ask us older gals tougher questions. Like: ”Why did you leave the workforce for over two decades?” Can they even ask that? Or: “What are your qualifications?” I mean, come on! (Suddenly, a voice is heard.) 6.
SYLVIA (V.O.) Ms. Huxley? (The “Human Resources” door is raised. A spotlight appears on stage left.) JANE Yes? SYLVIA TEMPLETON, CEO of Ferguson- Utley, enters from stage left, carrying a leather folder. She is wearing an expensive business suit. SYLVIA is ten years younger than JANE. She is diva incarnate. Insincerity oozes from her pores. She shakes JANE’s hand. SYLVIA I’m Sylvia Templeton, President and CEO of Ferguson-Utley. JANE Oh. Hi. But I thought I was here to see Ms. Lewis-- SYLVIA Yeeeeeah. You were. But I told her I wanted to conduct this interview personally. I don’t like to play by the rules. Rules are for sissies. And when I learned that C.J. Huxley was your father-- JANE (correcting) Husband. SYLVIA Yeeeeeah. I can see that now. C.J. Huxley was a legend in this industry. I met him at a conference in Las Vegas ten years ago. I worshipped the ground he walked on. JANE (sardonic) So did he. SYLVIA C.J. was very generous with his time. He loved to be surrounded by young, eager minds. JANE (sardonic) Yup. The eager-er, the better. SYLVIA (melodramatic) You and I also share another personal experience. 7.
JANE Really. What’s that? SYLVIA The “Big C.” My husband died of colon cancer. Just like your-- (JANE shakes her head.) JANE C.J. died of prostate-- SYLVIA (awkward) Oh. My bad. But, you know, the colon and the prostate are practically neighbors. I feel like we were meant to work together. JANE (excited) That’s great. I mean, I know I could do a bang-up job-- SYLVIA Yes. There was one resume item that really caught me eye. (She opens her folder and looks down at the application.) Hmmmmm. Yes. Tell me about...the “Iguana.” JANE (prideful) Well, I worked on that campaign about eight years ago. While C.J. was doing a fourteen months stretch in Lompoc for tax fraud. As they say: “The show must go on.” SYLVIA Of course. Loved your tagline: “Smart. Swift. Scaly.” How did you come up with-- JANE One of our valued clients, Takasushi Motors, came in one day with photos of their newest prototype. It was a super-sized, four-wheel drive, chrome-up-the-wazoo...thing. It made a Hummer look like a Mini. Gianormous. Twenty stereo speakers. Six Slurpee cup holders. Four Glock compartments. Definitely a “guy” car. So my first challenge was to try and think like a guy. And as we girls all know, men are not easy to understand. SYLVIA Yeaaaaaah. But you didn’t give up. 8.
JANE No way. C.J. was counting on me. He said so. On visiting days. I started with the big question-- (A spotlight comes on downstage right. C.J. HUXLEY appears in an orange prison jumpsuit.) HUXLEY Here it comes-- JANE “What nut would buy a three-ton, big-honkin’ uggzilla thing like that?” SYLVIA I own two. JANE (defensive) I’m not saying they’re not dependable-- SYLVIA Yeaaaaaah. Go on. JANE I was stumped. Then one day, I made the mistake of taking the Dan Ryan during rush hour. But that “mistake” turned out to be a masterstroke. Suddenly, I saw the light! There they were, hundreds of hostile highway hooligans driving like absolute maniacs. I called my shrink. He told me that there’s a psychological term for this phenomenon. It’s called “Feeding the Lizard Brain on the Dan Ryan Expressway.” He said the “lizard” part of the brain is located above the basal ganglia and looks like a tiny Komodo dragon. HUXLEY Easy, easy. You sound a little loopy-- JANE Then it hit me. Lizard brain...dragon...Iguana. Ta-da! SYLVIA That billboard ad: “Eat the vermin. Feed the Lizard.” It was brilliant! Brilliant! HUXLEY What? That’s the most ridiculous--
SYLVIA I like the way you think. It’s deep. HUXLEY Oh, boy-- 9.
JANE Sales went through the roof. Iguana owners set records for speeding, tailgating and other forms of reckless endangerment. Sales were especially strong with Libertarians. SYLVIA Nothing succeeds like success. Except more success. JANE (pompous) I believe that the key to the Iquana’s successful launch was my personalized psychological approach to its P.R. campaign. HUXLEY Oh, brother. JANE My methodology starts with finding each product’s inner truth. What makes it unique. Anything else would be, well, dishonest. Customers want the truth! They crave it! And that’s why I was so successful. HUXLEY What are you talking about? The firm’s in Chapter Eleven! JANE But with my husband’s passing, I am now looking for new challenges. HUXLEY That’s ‘cause all our clients bolted after I was six feet-- SYLVIA I like your style. It’s refreshing. We could use more honesty in our profession. HUXLEY You two are killing me here. Oh. Too late-- (His spotlight goes out.) JANE All I want is a chance. To stand on my own two feet. To soar with my own wings. To take life on it’s own terms-- SYLVIA Enough with the “Oprah-speak.” You’re hired!
JANE Wow. That’s great! Thank you! SYLVIA See? Easy-peasy. You’re smart. Talented. And-- 10.
(She points to Jane’s application.) SYLVIA (cont'd) --you came in low. Very low. I need someone with a good head on their shoulders. With good instincts. Someone who will give one hundred and ten percent. Do we have a deal? JANE Um, could I come in a little higher? I mean, you just said-- SYLVIA Sor-ry. JANE Oh, well. When do I have to give you an answer? SYLVIA Ah...now. JANE Okay. Let me-- (CHARLIE appears in his spotlight.) CHARLIE Mom, we need the money! I want a new Xbox! (His spotlight goes out. JANE sighs.) JANE I accept. SYLVIA Splendid. Now to the first order of business-- (She hands JANE a piece of paper.) You have a meeting with Harriet J. Roman at two o’clock-- (JANE looks at her watch.) JANE But it’s one-fifteen now-- SYLVIA No worries. Her apartment is just down the street on Michigan Avenue. You can be there in ten minutes--
JANE But I don’t even know what I’m-- SYLVIA What’s to know? She’s old. She wants something. And she’s filthy rich. 11.
JANE But what do I say? What do I do? SYLVIA Just listen to her. She’s got some idea for...whatever-- JANE Could you be more specific? SYLVIA Ah, no. Look, she’s paying me a huge monthly retainer, so I can’t just ignore her. That’s why I’m sending you. Don’t worry. I’ll be there in spirit. The rest of me will be at the Drake for happy hour. Ta-ta. (Lights out.)
ACT 1, SCENE 3 We are in the luxury apartment of HARRIET J. ROMAN, president of the Herbert F. Roman Foundation. HARRIET is in her mid-fifties and is perfectly mannered. The doorbell rings. HARRIET opens the door. JANE Mrs. Roman? I’m Jane Huxley from-- HARRIET Yes, yes. I know all about you. JANE You do? HARRIET I just got off the phone with Sylvia. (She gestures to the couch in the center of the room.) Please sit. (They sit.) She told me your husband died of cancer.
JANE (startled) Wow. Hmmmmmm. That’s a heck of a conversation starter. I don’t usually kick-off a kick-off with a, um, kick-off-- 12.
HARRIET Oh, I’m sorry. I thought Sylvia told you. Cancer is my life now. It took my husband last year. JANE I’m sorry. HARRIET It’s all right. Sadly, cancer is quite common these days. There are more kinds of cancer now than when I was a little girl. The new ones seem to have sprung up like weeds. They’ve multiplied like some disease-- JANE Yup. Cancer is big now. Even celebs are not immune. Just read the tabloids. You can pick-up their unauthorized, yet inspirational cancer stories at any bodega check-out aisle. HARRIET Yes, cancer is the new hearth that we all gather around. In the old days, it was fire. For centuries, people sat around a flaming pit and shared stories about, I don’t know, something. Then came radio. During the Great Depression, President Roosevelt cheered us up with his “fireside chats.” And his words directly impacted my family. You see, we own several munitions factories. We made a killing during that war, so to speak. Every war, actually. To this day, whenever one of our shells hit an enemy plane or unarmed village, I always think of Franklin-- JANE Um, Mrs. Roman? HARRIET Sorry. I called Sylvia because I want to find a way to help others who are suffering from the same disease that took my husband: Testicular cancer. Now I know that this type of cancer doesn’t have the glitz and glamour of more popular brands, but that’s what I hope to change. For one thing, I never knew men had so many names for their, um, you know-- JANE Oh, sure. Balls, nuts, rocks, nads, nuggets, Cracker Jacks, family jewels, whompers-- (HARRIET looks at her in shock.) I get a lot of spam.
HARRIET Did you know that about eight thousand men get testicular cancer every year? 13.
JANE Wow. No. That’s a lot of acorns to fall from the-- (HARRIET goes to a cabinet and pulls out a black box.) HARRIET To illustrate the point-- (She opens the black box door. We do not see the box’s contents.) JANE (shocked) Oh, my-- HARRIET Don’t worry. They can’t hurt you. They’ve been preserved. JANE Jeez! What a pair! Um, why did you-- HARRIET They’re evidence. I’m still suing the hospital. JANE Are they supposed to be that ewwwww? HARRIET I don’t show these to just anybody-- JANE Could you, um-- HARRIET Yes, of course. (She closes the door on the box.) Psychologically speaking, when a man loses one of his, um, you know, he feels abandoned. Sure, you can get new ones. They make them now. But the replacements are never as dependable. The pair they put in Herbie were made in China. (She starts to cry.) I thought they only put lead in toys. What ever happened to “Made in the USA?”
(She turns to JANE.) I created the Herbert F. Roman Foundation to help find a cure to this ferocious killer. But I need your help. 14.
JANE You can count on me, Mrs. Roman. HARRIET Marvelous! Simply marvelous. (She hands JANE a business card.) This is the number for Dr. Lawson, the Foundation’s chief medical researcher. I told her you’d be stopping by. She’s made testicular cancer her life’s work. JANE Huh. Well, she must’ve had her reasons. (HARRIET looks at her watch.) HARRIET My, my. I’m late for my pilates class. (She puts her hand on JANE’s shoulder.) Make me proud. Herbie’s counting on you. (She leaves. JANE looks at the box.) JANE (sardonic) Oh, come on. Really? (Lights out.)
ACT 1, SCENE 4 A spotlight comes on JANE. She speaks to the audience at center stage, holding a pair of tennis balls. JANE I have to admit, I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with “the twins.” Never understood the fascination that men have with them. Like they’re something sacred. (She tosses the balls in her hands.)
But then I thought, “Maybe this job will teach me a thing or two on the subject.” I’m always looking for “inner truth.” And you can’t get more inner than that. Besides, knowledge is good. You never know where it’ll take ya. 15.
The lights come up full. She tosses the tennis balls offstage. DR. KAREN LAWSON sits at her desk on stage left. At center stage, we see a covered glass tank. KAREN is in her late-thirties and very attractive. JANE (cont'd) So, Dr. Lawson, I went online last night and found out that men can die from testicular cancer. I mean, who knew? KAREN Yes, but in terms of male death rates, testicular cancer is ranked fairly low. Just below male breast cancer. That one I’m still trying to wrap my head around. JANE Um, if you don’t mind me asking-- KAREN Hmmmmm? JANE Why did you decide to specialize in-- KAREN I didn’t “decide” anything. The truth is most grant money goes to male researchers for diseases that mostly affect them. Men only seem to care about men’s health or needs. JANE Tell me about it. KAREN Ever wonder why there’s no female Viagra? JANE Every day. KAREN But I do find the work fascinating. You can learn a lot about men in this line of work. So, you wanna see some rats? JANE (nervous) Sure. Why not? They’re enclosed, right? KAREN Of course. They walk over to the glass tank. KAREN pulls the cover off. Their backs are to the audience. 16.
KAREN (cont'd) They’re right in here. JANE Whoa! That little guy’s junk is huge! KAREN I’ve been attempting to create a new treatment based on my analysis of Leydig cells, which produce testosterone and Sertoil cells, which help develop sperm-- JANE That’s a mouthful. But it speaks to an inner truth-- KAREN I’ve injected one group with Leydig cells and the other with Sertoil cells-- JANE Look at “Mr. Godzilla Balls” over there. He can barely walk! KAREN That’s “Mickey.” He’s got the Leydig cells. As you can see, we built him a motorized cart-- (We hear a loud buzzing sound.) JANE Wow! Look at that sucker go! KAREN Now, “Jerry” here-- JANE “Jerry?” KAREN Of “Tom and Jerry.” My mom loved that mouse. I always rooted for the cat. Anyway, Jerry’s got the Sertoil cells. See the difference? JANE Oh, yeah. Healthy and to scale. Say, you’re really onto something here. KAREN I think this research could be historic.
JANE We’re counting on that. “Historic” ups the P.R. profile. KAREN But the true test will come when we have a bigger pair to play with. 17.
JANE I agree. We need to put a human face to this. Besides, men are more photogenic that rodents. KAREN And easier to train. Or so I’ve been told. JANE (sarcastic) You’ve never been married, right? (We hear a loud crash. Both women look at the tank.) Wow! That was a really nasty spill. (Smoke rises from the tank.) KAREN Yup. Too much horsepower. (Lights out.)
ACT 1, SCENE 5 Lights up. JANE stands under a solo spotlight on stage left. She is holding a martini. Not her first. JANE I gotta tell ya. A mother can’t compete with a new Xbox. As they say: “No good deed goes unpunished.” (We hear loud noises and pounding from above.) It seemed Charlie had moved from fairy princesses to megadeath overlords. It’s a shame he couldn’t channel this newfound gothic aggression into getting a job! (She looks up at the ceiling.) Turn that damn thing down! (The volume is reduced.)
For the record, I felt uneasy about what I was stepping into. Introducing a new car, cologne or candy bar to the public was as easy as making muffins. But cancer? That’s a whole new baking tray. But just then, right in the middle of my Smirnoff soliloquy-- 18.
(Suddenly, another spotlight appears on stage right.) JANE (cont'd) --I had an unexpected visitor. Her late husband, C.J. HUXLEY sits on a bus bench, still wearing his orange prison jumpsuit. I know what you’re thinking. Was it an actual apparition? Was it the four martinis? Was it the fall I took coming back from the liquor store? Was it-- HUXLEY Hey, Hon. I sensed you were having some blockage. JANE C.J. You’re dead. What are you-- (He gestures to the bus bench.) HUXLEY As you can see, I’m still waiting for the right bus. JANE (confused) “Bus?” In my apartment? What are you-- HUXLEY (annoyed) Hel-lo! Metaphor! I’m still in purgatory! (He gestures to his prison garb.) What? Is that not clear? I’ve spent months in this stinkin’ depot. The cosmic Star Chamber can’t decide whether I should go north...or south. Politics. So, did ya miss me? JANE No comment. HUXLEY Hey, come on, we were pretty good in the sack. JANE I hate to burst your bubble, but you weren’t exactly a Latin lover.
HUXLEY Who’s got time to learn a second language? Besides, you weren’t exactly Ms. Monkey Sex yourself! 19.
JANE Let’s change the subject, shall we? HUXLEY Fine. I’m only here because I heard you wanted to know more about, um, “the dynamic duo.” Allow me-- (He points to his crotch.) To the uninformed, they’re the epicenter of the whole mechanical operation. The testicles make testosterone. Which in turn is where sperm is-- JANE (impatient) Yes, yes. I know all about the sperm, thank you very much. By the way, have you looked in on your son lately? HUXLEY Is he working? JANE Don’t even get me started. HUXLEY All right. Back to the relationship between the franks and the beans. They’re the holy trinity. The sacred bond that binds all men together. Understand? JANE (confused) No. Not really-- HUXLEY Save the balls. Save the soul. It’s as simple as that. JANE But how do I show this, um, bondage in a P.R. campaign? The “trinity” is not exactly photogenic. So how do I conceptualize-- (He starts rubbing his head.) HUXLEY Okay, okay. Let me fire up my brain-- (He starts pacing back and forth.)
JANE Oh, forget it. I don’t need your help. This is my baby. HUXLEY And what do you know about the sacred brotherhood, huh? 20.
JANE (sarcastic) They’re just like your poker buddies: ugly, hairy and too big for their britches. (Suddenly, he snaps his fingers and smiles.) HUXLEY That’s it! I got your slogan: “Be Good to Your Buds.” It’s soulful. It’s kitschy. It’s catchy. It’s kitschy-catchy. JANE paces and forth. As she paces, her enthusiasm grows. Finally, JANE stomps her feet and raises her arms in triumph. JANE (excited) Yes! I don’t know why I didn’t see that before. You guys always think below the belt. HUXLEY Guilty as charged. JANE And it has that “inner truth” quality-- HUXLEY Hey, wake up! Public relations is not about “truth.” We’re in the misdirection business. Have you forgotten everything I taught you? (He sighs and looks at his watch. His spotlight slowly fades away.) Hey, gotta go. Nice catching up. JANE Right. (She turns away and mutters.) Big-know-it-all-pain-in-the-- HUXLEY (shouting) I heard part of that!
(Lights out.) 21.
ACT 1, SCENE 6 The spotlight fades up on JANE at center stage. She faces the audience. JANE Sylvia and Harriet loved the “Bud” plan. I mean, how could they not? I love when my ideas come together. Now all I needed was a poster boy for the campaign. Sylvia called in some favors at the Hectogon Agency in New York. I flew to the Big Apple a week later to supervise the Bud bake-off. We hear a loud jet plane landing. An enlarged X-ray image of a male’s crotch is lowered. She looks up at the X-ray. I’ll say one thing, it’s no Picasso. Sports agent BOB PASTERNAK enters from stage left. BOB is in his late- thirties. He is loud, obnoxious and speaks with a thick New York accent. BOB Almost suitable for framin’, don’t ya think? JANE So what is this, exactly? BOB “Dis” is just what the doctor ordered. (He puts out his hand.) Bob Pasternak. Sports agent extraordinaire. My friends call me ”Bob.” JANE Jane Huxley. (They shake hands.) I’ve never met a sports agent before. BOB I know people think we’re just a bunch of bloodthirsty parasites who’d turn their own mothers into crack hos for ten percent of a top jock’s take-home. But that is just soooo untrue. For all the shit I do? I never take less than thirty percent. And you can take that to the bank. Actually, I do. Heh-heh. (He leans into her.) 22.
BOB (cont'd) I’ve gotten more clients on the “Wheaties” box...the real Olympian standard for athletic achievement...than Michael Phelps has gold medals! (He goes to the hanging X-ray.) And speaking of Phelps, my newest client also won a “pair” at the last games. Medals, I mean. Brass. JANE You mean bronze. BOB Whatever. But that’s not the big story. Last month, he was having some discomfort, um, south of the border. I took him to see my personal physician. We got the results back last week. The kid’s like a son to me. With Olympic medals. (He shouts to stage right.) Hey, Jimmy, we got company! Come out, huh? JIMMY HAYES enters from stage right. JIMMY is in his early twenties and is very shy. This is Jane Huxley. She’s here to help us with your condition. JIMMY (morose) That’s great. I guess. But, what’s the point? BOB (to JANE) You see what I have to deal with. JIMMY Cancer’s a bad thing, right? It’s not like getting a cold. JANE Yes, cancer’s not good. But your cancer is not one of the yucky ones. It’s got one of the highest cure-- BOB (to JIMMY) Hey, ah--
(He pulls out a twenty dollar bill and hands it to JIMMY.) --why don’t go out and get something for that sweet tooth, huh? 23.
JIMMY Um, okay. Thanks. (He leaves.) BOB (annoyed) What are you doing? You’re gonna ruin everything. I got the kid all primed. He thinks he’s a goner. JANE But his condition is not fatal-- BOB (agitated) You know that. I know that. But-- (He composes himself.) Look, Sylvia and I have a plan-- JANE Really? What kind of-- BOB If you want to sell this thing, our poster boy needs to believe he’s in real deep shit. If he knows his cancer is no biggie, he’ll perform below expectations, trust me. The kid’s strictly small town. He gets weepy watchin’ a “Puppy Chow” commercial. JANE So when did you plan to tell him the truth? BOB Look, “Good Morning America” will eat Jimmy up like a bowl of mac and cheese. Then once the public’s on the hook, we bring in the hopey-changey-hocus-pocus-cancer-cure stuff...and whammo! Jimmy’s on his way to a full recovery in front of millions of satisfied viewers. Nobody gets hurt. JANE I don’t know-- BOB This thing is not just about Jimmy, okay? This is news. We have a crisis here in America! A testicular crisis. This kind of cancer could be the next Ebola. The world needs to know. People will thank us. JANE What? Ebola is a virus. Jimmy has a non-contagious medical condition that can be easily and safely treated. There’s no “crisis” of any kind. That’s a fact. 24.
BOB Lady, fear gets people’s attention faster than facts. A good crisis puts everyone on the same page. Look at Homeland Security. They’ve brought a nation together. And that’s a good thing. Unless you have to fly. Then you’re screwed. JANE But it just seems dishonest. We’re lying. BOB Omitting is not the same as lying. And the kid’s got enough to think about already, am I right? JANE Well, that’s certainly true-- BOB And look on the bright side. You’ll get all the credit for pulling off the whole dog and pony show. JANE Me? BOB Sure. And all that recognition would be quite the feather in your cap. I mean, this thing could be big. Real big. (A spotlight forms around JANE.) JANE (excited) Really? BOB Sure. Who knows what could happen next? BOB freezes in place. Suddenly, we hear a VOICEOVER GUY speaking. He sounds like he’s announcing a grand prize on TV. We see flashing lights and hear “pomp and circumstance” music. VOICEOVER GUY (V.O.) And to Jane Huxley, this year’s winner of the Presidential Medal of Freedom! (We hear loud applause.)
Your country is presenting you with this prestigious honor for your outstanding work in curing all forms of cancer! JANE Holy shit! 25.
(The giant award is lowered. JANE touches the award. It’s quite heavy.) JANE (cont'd) I thought it be smaller. VOICEOVER GUY (V.O.) Your selfless fund-raising endeavors has raised gazillions for cancer research, which finally beat back the “Big-C” for good. JANE Wow! Money does talk! VOICEOVER GUY (V.O.) And good luck on your newest campaign...world peace! More applause. She touches the medal like she just won the Miss America contest. JANE turns to the audience and throws them a kiss. JANE (excited) You like me. You really, really like me! Suddenly the music fades out and the award is lifted up out of view. BOB unfreezes. BOB Jane? Are you okay? JANE Um, yeah. I suddenly feel empowered. I mean, for the first time in my life, I could be the center of attention! Boy, wouldn’t that piss off my mom! (She shakes BOB’s hand.) Let’s get it on, Bob! BOB Abso-fuckin’-lootly. (Lights out.)
ACT 1, SCENE 7 The spotlight fades up. JANE speaks to the audience at stage left. 26.
JANE Jimmy started his treatments at the clinic a few days later. (KAREN appears under a spotlight at stage right.) I was in daily consultation with Karen, I mean, Dr. Lawson. JANE and KAREN both pull out pink cell phones and start chatting. Both act like valley girls at a slumber party. We hear teeny-bopper music in the background. KAREN And then Jimmy fainted just before the needle pierced his-- JANE No way. KAREN Waaaay. JANE Boys. KAREN Yeah. Wimps. JANE We should hang out more. KAREN Yeah. That’d be awesome. (JANE looks at her watch.) JANE Ooops. Gotta go. Marketing meeting. Tweet ya later. KAREN Yeah. Later. (The music stops. KAREN’s spotlight goes out. JANE walks to the audience.) JANE Marketing cancer is very tricky. I mean, how do you shout out the “sunny side of Sarcoma?” With selfies? No, cancer takes a more delicate approach. Something more subtle. That’s why Sylvia brought in her top “visual conceptualist,” Natasha Dragonov. In Moscow, her curtains really were made of iron. 27.
The lights come up. SYLVIA sits next to Russian fashion designer, NATASHA DRAGONOV at a table at stage left. In her mid-forties, NATASHA is highly affected in her mannerisms. SYLVIA We have to come out of the chute like a rocket. We need to do something big-- NATASHA --yet visually extraordinary. Something in red. JANE Why not just let Jimmy talk to the people? He’s young. He’s good looking. He’s won two Olympic medals-- SYLVIA (correcting) Bronze. Third place. Who cares? JANE But Jimmy’s got a great story. We start with the “bad news.” The kid’s got cancer. Cut down in the prime of his athletic career. The loss of all that potential-- SYLVIA (droll) I’m thinking of the loss of potential earnings from telling such a downbeat story. Cancer is very depressing. “English Patient” depressing. JANE But that’s when we hit ‘em with the “good news.” That Jimmy beat back “the Big-C” and he’s on the “road to recovery.” SYLVIA Let’s face it. This sort of cancer is not as captivating as, well, you know-- (She indicates her breasts.) Men’s private parts are just not as photogenic. Why else does Hollywood hide the male star’s goodies in a love scene? You can show a woman’s bare tits from here to Timbuktu, but a man’s nether region, well, they’re never here, nor there. NATASHA Men are pigs. SYLVIA Yes, they are such fragile creatures. So you must approach them in way that doesn’t make them feel uncomfortable. And how do we do that? 28.
JANE (sardonic) Use baby talk? SYLVIA No! You have to misdirect. Gently, yet firmly. When introducing the subject of cancer, don’t dwell on the disease. Highlight the benefits. JANE You mean the physical recovery? SYLVIA I mean the financial benefits! If you are in the top ten percent income bracket, donating to a “501-c-3” non-profit organization is a time-honored way to give Uncle Sam a good case of acid reflux. And that elevates their bumbershoots, if you get my meaning. Who doesn’t love a good write-off? JANE What about involving donors more directly into the cause itself by volunteering or-- SYLVIA These are very busy people! They can’t care about everything! They just want to make a donation and be done with it. These rich folks are used to showing up at some swanky hotel, writing a check, then getting their picture taken with Michael Jordan. No muss, no fuss. JANE But isn’t that dishonest? SYLVIA Selling real empathy takes too long! Fake empathy works faster and takes less prep time. A “scripted narrative” keeps everybody on the same page. Sure, you lose some spontaneity, but you gain message control. And “messaging” drives merchandising. JANE (confused) “Merchandising?” SYLVIA Bumper stickers. Banners. Ribbons. Calendars. Plush toys-- JANE “Plush toys?” SYLVIA How else do you target the next generation of donors? I say start in kindergarten! 29.
NATASHA Oh, Putin would be proud. SYLVIA These days, hawking merch is the only way to profit from non- profits, trust me. JANE Aren’t we putting the cart before the horse? NATASHA I once had the most beautiful pony back in Pustoshka. His name was Choo-Choo. (SYLVIA and JANE looks at her strangely. NATASHA shrugs self- consciously.) I liked trains. JANE Sylvia, give me a week. Let me work one-on-one with Jimmy. So I can find out what makes him tick. SYLVIA You’re not going to call your shrink again, are you? JANE No. I can handle this all by myself. SYLVIA Yeeeeaaah. I’ll give you four days. JANE Thanks, Sylvia. You won’t regret this. SYLVIA I hope not. Or I’ll have to cut you to ribbons. (JANE looks startled. SYLVIA smiles.) It’s just one of my motivational slogans. By the way, how’s the kid? JANE Karen, I mean, Dr. Lawson says the treatments are going fine. A spotlight comes on at stage right. We see JIMMY sitting in a chair, while KAREN is checking his vital signs. She’s really into keeping everything germ-free. Jimmy’s being kept in isolation-- 30.
SYLVIA (lying) I’ve heard that her methods are a tad, um, old-fashioned. As in antiquated. And as we all know, old is bad. JANE What does that mean? SYLVIA It means, he’s been there over a month. Shouldn’t he be cured by now? JANE (defensive) I...I don’t know. Cancer is tricky. These things take time. (SYLVIA deliberately turns away and starts to whistle.) Is there something you’re not-- SYLVIA (lying) Oh, nothing. It’s just that I heard she’s not, um, using the most up-to-date science. The spotlight at stage right comes on again. This time we see JIMMY running on a treadmill. He is attached to an I.V. stand. I’ve heard he’s being treated no better than “Sparky.” The spotlight goes out. The video screen is lowered. We see “Sparky,” the white lab rat (from the first scene) on a tiny treadmill. And you remember Sparky, don’t you? The video image changes. Now we see JIMMY’s head on Sparky’s body. JANE looks at the video screen in horror. JANE Oh, my god! SYLVIA I think we need to get to the bottom of this pronto! JANE All right. I’ll take care of it. He’ll be staying with me. You gave me four days, remember? 31.
SYLVIA Yes. But time is of the essence. We need to find out what the good doctor is up to ASAP. Her, um, approach is holding up the whole damn parade. The train’s already left the station. We’ve got a concert date-- JANE Huh? SYLVIA For Buds-a-Palooza! I mean, after all, it was your idea. JANE But...but I didn’t mean it seriously. It was a joke. SYLVIA (serious) Do you see me laughing? NATASHA That’s exactly how Stalin looked just before he had somebody shot. He had that look a lot! SYLVIA Jon Bon Jovi is already on board. His fans love all that crotch grabbing stuff. He told me he’s very concerned about preventing bump and grind injuries. JANE Really? SYLVIA Especially after I told him how those types of injuries could lead to-- JANE (shocked) You didn’t! SYLVIA Hey, whatever gets their attention. JANE But it’s a lie! SYLVIA (dismissive) Well, maybe one day it won’t be. Hope springs eternal.
JANE I give up. So when’s the concert? SYLVIA In six weeks! Jon said he’d be there “dead or alive.” 32.
JANE Six weeks! What if Jimmy’s not well enough to travel? SYLVIA So we’ll do a live remote. Nothing says “cancer” like a sickly kid plastered on a Jumbotron. Of course, if he was cured, we wouldn’t have to play the “C” card. JANE But I told you he won’t be ready-- SYLVIA Shhhhhh. Think positive thoughts. It’s better for your complexion. (She puts her arm around JANE’s shoulder and walks her down stage.) I know people. Reliable people. And they’ve told me they can get better scientific results for our boy. And we all want what’s best for Jimmy, correct? JANE Of course. SYLVIA So there’s no harm is exploring other options, am I right? JANE No, I guess not. SYLVIA Don’t look so sad. After all, if we can make this work, the glory will be all yours. She turns JANE around to the video screen. We now see JANE on the cover of several magazines. After all, it will be your face on all the covers. JANE Me? SYLVIA Of course. You’ll be on all the talk shows. JANE (excited) Even “Ellen?” (We see Ellen DeGeneres on the screen.) I’m one of her biggest fans. 33.
SYLVIA Okay. Sure. JANE (giddy) Wow. That would be cool. SYLVIA This is your party and you can smile if you want to! JANE But what about Dr. Lawson? I mean, we’re friends-- SYLVIA You can always get new friends. That’s easy-peasy. Keeping your boss happy? That takes a little more dedication. Understand? (JANE sighs.) JANE Yes, I understand. But first let me talk to Jimmy-- SYLVIA Fine, fine. I’ll make some calls. After all, this is my company. Come, Natasha. NATASHA Did I ever tell you about the time Khrushchev tried to hit me with his shoe? (SYLVIA and NATASHA exit stage left. JANE paces back and forth.) JANE I just hope Ellen won’t make me dance. (She sighs.) Right. She makes everybody dance. (Lights out.)
ACT 1, SCENE 8 In the darkness, we hear dance music. The lights fade up. We see JANE dancing up a storm in her apartment. There’s a rolling bar behind her. She looks up at the audience in surprise. 34.
JANE Oh. Just practicing. (She grabs her wine glass and speaks to the audience.) That night, I sent Charlie off to visit his grandparents in Evanston. Hey, they offered to take him for a week. But as they say: “Be careful what you--” (JIMMY enters.) JIMMY Nice place. JANE Thanks. It’s only a rental, but it’s home. (We see the video screen lowered. Again we JANE on the cover of those magazines.) For now. (She smiles and toasts the screen. JIMMY can see that she’s distracted.) JIMMY Mrs. Huxley? JANE Right. Let’s get back to it. (They sit on the sofa. She grabs a writing pad and resumes taking notes.) Um, we left off at your physically abusive father getting ten years in prison for maiming a mime. JIMMY Yeah. He really hated mimes. JANE Right. Then the state stepped in. Thank god. Let’s talk about your over-protective adopted parents. They hated all sports that required any physical contact, right? JIMMY Except swimming. JANE Well, duh. And they believed in some kind of Buddhist- wannabee, non-violent, hookey-doo thing, correct? 35.
JIMMY In their religion, water is the essence of life. That’s why people get baptized in it, right? It’s tranquil. Peaceful. And nobody goes postal in chlorine. (She starts laughing. The wine is really hitting her.) JANE (giddy) Speaking of “chlorine,” I had a boyfriend once who had an outdoor pool. And one night, he wanted to “go native,” if you get my drift? But when he came out of the pool, “Mister Melvin and his Blue Notes” didn’t just go native. They went clear off the reservation! Poof! They must’ve burrowed inside for warmth-- JIMMY (angry) I don’t think that story is funny at all. Shrinkage sucks! Believe me-- JANE What are you saying? (JIMMY starts to cry.) JIMMY It’s these treatments. I can’t even see my, you know-- JANE What? When did this start? JIMMY Oh, about a week ago. He freezes. Suddenly, a spotlight appears at stage right. We see SYLVIA look at JANE with an “I told you so” face. SYLVIA coughs loudly. The spotlight goes out. JANE turns to the audience. JANE I knew it! Man, I hate to see a swimmer cry. (JIMMY unfreezes. She walks over to the sobbing kid.)
Don’t you worry. We’ve come too far to retreat now. I’ll gonna get to the bottom of this. Trust me. JIMMY I do. 36.
JANE Good. You should go to bed now. It’s late. Don’t worry about a thing, all right? I’m on your side. JIMMY gives her a big hug, then leaves stage left. JANE smiles. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. JANE opens the door. KAREN is standing in the doorway, wearing a sexy black dress. KAREN I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d-- JANE (angry) Come in. (KAREN enters.) You’re just the person I wanna see. KAREN You look like you just swallowed a giant fur ball. JANE Boy, Sylvia was right about you. KAREN “Sylvia?” You mean, your boss? JANE Uh-huh. She told me to watch out for you. Sylvia warned me. KAREN About what? (JANE points to the ceiling.) JANE Jimmy. He’s up there right now crying his eyes out. And you wanna know why? (She grabs her crotch.) ‘Cause your treatments have turned his “Ball Park” frank into a cocktail wiener! How do you expect him to pass the mustard now?
KAREN I told him that there would be some temporary side effects-- JANE Well, he’s worried that his pee-pee paralysis is permanent! 37.
KAREN It’s not. Having some shrinkage is a common side-- JANE How do you know, huh? You said yourself that you hadn’t done any trials with humans-- KAREN Yes, but all the evidence in rats indicates-- JANE You may be righteous with rodents, but mice ain’t men. I question your methods, Dr. Lawson. KAREN (sad) You used to call me Karen. JANE I’m trying to stay professional here. KAREN I see. (She steps closer to JANE.) What’s really going on here? JANE What are you talking about? KAREN Oh, I don’t know. This sudden batshit behavior for starters. Do you really think that I would actually-- JANE All I know is that you told me he’d be-- KAREN Did not. JANE Did so. KAREN Did not. JANE Did so. KAREN Listen to us. We sound like children. 38.
JANE Go ahead. Mock me. I’m used to it. My husband used to do that too. He said I was “too emotional.” He said I “drank too much.” He said I “wasn’t good in”-- (She stops herself.) Too much information, huh? KAREN Yup. JANE Well, I don’t care! I’m my own woman now. I make my own decisions. And I’m pulling the plug on Jimmy’s treatments right now. KAREN What? JANE There’s too much at stake. KAREN freezes. Suddenly, we hear presidential music. We see the enlarged Presidential Medal of Freedom being lowered again. She looks up at the medal. So close, yet-- She leaps in the air to touch it, but medal is pulled up out of reach. Then it’s lowered again. Each time she goes to grab it, the medal is pulled up. Damn you! Finally, JANE stands still with her arms still extended upward. The music fades out. KAREN unfreezes. KAREN What are you doing? JANE (sarcastic) Yoga. What does it look like?
KAREN I don’t know. JANE Neither do I. All I know is, there’s no turning back now. 39.
KAREN What do you mean? JANE I’ve got deadlines to keep. Product to be delivered. Or there will be a huge price to pay. And it’ll be on my head. KAREN If you stop these treatments now, it’ll be Jimmy who pays the price. JANE (angry) That’s it! We’re done here. (KAREN sighs and shakes her head.) KAREN Yeah, I guess we are. (KAREN leaves. JANE stares at the door, then turns to the audience.) JANE You know what she was trying to do, right? She was trying to undermine my confidence. She couldn’t appreciate the pressures I was under. (She takes a step forward and makes her plead directly to the audience.) I mean, I had to take the reins. This whole wagon train was going waaaay off course, so-- (She looks at the audience and frowns. JANE feels very guilty.) What was I supposed to do? She told me Jimmy’s cancer was one of the easy ones to fix. No fuss, no muss. Apparently not! (She steps forward.) So I had to take matters into my own hands. After all, I was in charge. She was only a Lieutenant. Okay, maybe a Major. Who the fuck knows? But I was the General! (We hear military music.)
You don’t get the big medals...and I mean big...by being a wimp! No sir! You gotta go for it! No guts...no glory! (She paces back and forth like General Patton.) 40.
JANE (cont'd) Ten-hut! I had a wounded man on the battlefield. He was hurt. He was looking to me to bring him home. Intact. Damn the torpedoes! Full speed-- JIMMY re-enters the room in his pajamams. She stops in her tracks. The music stops. What are you-- JIMMY I heard noises. Like you were talking to someone. JANE Nope. No talking. To no one. JIMMY Oh. Okay-- (He turns to go. She stops him.) JANE Jimmy, I want you to know that we’re gonna see this thing through together. ‘Cause this is America! If we can put a man on the moon and make a fat-free cheesecake, then anything is possible. All we need is faith, courage and some brand- spankin’-new, kick-ass pharmaceuticals! JIMMY What? No! Drugs are bad. JANE Not all drugs. You see, science is very smart. If one drug turned you into the “Incredible Shrinking Man,” then an even better drug can transform you into the “Jolly Green Giant.” All you need is a little faith. (Suddenly, church organ music gets louder. JANE acts like a preacher.) So, are you with me? JIMMY I, um-- JANE (shouting) Are you with me? (A spotlight shines on both of them.) You just gotta believe! 41.
(JIMMY looks at JANE and smiles. They both start swaying to the Rapture.) JIMMY Yes! I can see! JANE Do you have the faith? JIMMY Yes! JANE Do you have the courage? JIMMY Yes! JANE And do you have the cojones? JIMMY (proud) Not yet! But I will! (We hear a chorus of “Hallelujah.”) (Lights out.) END OF ACT I
ACT 2, SCENE 1 Lights up. JANE sits across from SYLVIA and HARRIET at stage left. We see a video screen behind them. SYLVIA I agree with Jane. Fire the bitch. JANE I didn’t say “fire”-- HARRIET But I’ve got a contract with Dr. Lawson. I have a moral obligation. Besides, she could sue me.
SYLVIA Relax. Contracts are made to be broken. Just like people. (HARRIET looks at her strangely.) 42.
SYLVIA (cont'd) I mean, people you don’t know. My lawyers can cut through a contract faster than a chainsaw mows down a forest preserve. HARRIET If you think that’s best. I’m easy. That’s how I got Herbie. SYLVIA We need to go in a whole new direction. A twenty-first century approach. Science is not enough. We need...sex. JANE (confused) Sex? HARRIET (smiling) Sex? SYLVIA uses the remote to turn on the video screen. We see a slide with the word: “SEX” in big red letters. SYLVIA Sex. The main ingredient of most successful marketing campaigns. Before you can “sell,” you gotta ring their bell. Grab their attention. Show ‘em some leg. Seduce them. JANE With what? There’s nothing sexy about cancer. SYLVIA Au contraire! What happens during sex? Your heartbeat quickens. You sweat. You shake. You feel like you’re kissing the face of God! Or someone more clean-shaven. She clicks to the next slide. It’s a photo of a famous celebrity signing autographs for a mob of devoted fans. Which is exactly the feeling most people have when they meet a celebrity! Now, there are two kinds of celebrities. (She uses the remote again. We see a photo of celebrity Kim Kardashian.) The ones who got there by their looks--
She uses the remote again. We see a photo of “Mr. Monopoly,” in tuxedo and top hat, sitting on a pile of cash. --and the ones who get there by their net worth. 43.
HARRIET Really? SYLVIA How else do you explain the face time of this guy? She used the remote again. We see a photo of Donald Trump, with his face squinched up and his combed-over hair in disarray. HARRIET You made your point. SYLVIA Yes, youth is fleeting, but cash is king! All my clients now want the “Donald” treatment. With better hair. And the fastest way to get there...according to “The Wall Street Journal”...is get on the fast track to “the next big thing.” Can you imagine how much moolah the first investors in Apple, Microsoft and Facebook pulled in? Money is very sexy. JANE (impatient) What does this have to do with Jimmy? SYLVIA Patience. Question: “What industry is presently giving Wall Street wet dreams and making the press pucker?” Hmmmmm? (She clicks the remote again. We see images of molecules.) Biotech. Biotechnologies are creating cancer drugs that are to die for. And without all that rat poop. Who needs rodents when you have genetic engineering? It’s a shame the Nazis gave the term such a bad rap-- (She clicks the remote again. We see an image of a cell under a microscope.) At the cellular level, you get more bang for the buck. For example, some erectile dysfunction meds can also help women reduce the risk of underweight infants. Think about it. One little blue pill for the entire family. Think of the growth potential! The medical and financial possibilities are endless.
HARRIET “Financial?” Hmmmmm. Please, tell me more. SYLVIA We’ll discuss that later. For now, let’s stick to the science. 44.
(She stands.) SYLVIA (cont'd) Behold! We are about to embrace...the future! All the way from Texas! A spotlight appears at center stage. Standing in the light is BILLY JOE MONTANA, CEO of Dyno-Saurus Pharmaceuticals. BILLY JOE is in his early forties. He’s wearing a cowboy hat. SYLVIA grabs HARRIET and brings her over to BILLY JOE. Meet Billy Joe Montana, President and CEO of Dyno-Saurus Pharmaceuticals! (BILLY JOE puts his arm around Harriet’s shoulder. SYLVIA hands him the remote.) BILLY JOE Harriet, our drugs are big. Real big. We sell more varieties of cancer drugs than Heinz has pickles! And speaking of pickles, our work with growth-enhancing performance drugs has been positively sweet! HARRIET (confused) “Growth-enhancing--” He uses the remote to show a photo of a jockey above the word “Before” and a bigger, bulkier pro wrestler above the word “After.” BILLY JOE Yup. Our drug, “Gigantocillin,” has been very successful in helping ex-jockeys better assimilate into taller and bigger mainstream society. This is jockey “Tiny” Monahan after just a few treatments of “Gigantocillin.” Now he’s pro wrestler under his new nom de plume, “Mount Killer-monjaro.” HARRIET Amazing. SYLVIA How does he pee on planes?
HARRIET But is this treatment dangerous? BILLY JOE No. Of course not. 45.
HARRIET Risky? BILLY JOE Not a whit. HARRIET Unsafe? BILLY JOE Define “unsafe.” HARRIET Babies born with two heads. That sort of thing. BILLY JOE (evasive) Hmmmmm. Not that I’ve personally seen. At Dyno-Saurus Pharmaceuticals, we let the laws of science lead the way. According to “Transitive Theology,” if “A” equals “B”...and “B” equals “C”...then “A” must equal “C.” (He clicks the remote again. We see a bottle marked “Gigantocillin.”) So if “Gigantocillin” can help professional athletes amass mass-- He clicks the remote again. We see a “plus” sign to the right of the “Gigantocillin” bottle, followed by a bottle marked “Throbinol.” --and if our other best-selling drug, “Throbinol” can help jocks suffering from erectile dysfunction due to their addiction to painkillers and prostitutes-- He clicks the remote again. We see an “equals” sign to the right of the “Throbinol” bottle. --then by combining the active ingredients of these two drugs, we think our newest product-- He clicks the remote again. We hear a trumpet flare. We see a bottle of “Tranquility” at the end of the equation.
--”Tranquility”...can really do Timmy-- SYLVIA Jimmy. 46.
BILLY JOE --a whole lot of good. You can’t argue with, um, theories. SYLVIA I’m convinced! I think this “Tranquility” thing could be huge. (She turns to HARRIET.) Harriet? HARRIET “Huge?” Define huge. SYLVIA Well, that would somewhere between “holy shit” and “boingggggg!” (HARRIET flashes a wide grin.) HARRIET You had me at “holy shit.” (Lights out.)
ACT 2, SCENE 2 The lights come back up. JANE appears at center stage. She steps forward to the audience. The video screen is still down. JANE Wow! What a difference, um, time makes. (She steps forward down stage. JANE does her little “Ellen” dance again.) Oh, my God! It seems that on the “Road to Tranquility”-- She clicks the video remote. We see a photo of JIMMY in a Speedo swimsuit. His crotch looks huge. He is happy. --this new drug took a special side trip to Happy Valley!
(She clicks the remote again. We see a closer view of Jimmy’s Speedo.) The boys are once again singing in three-part harmony. Check out that Speedo! Amazing! The initial batch sold out in just five minutes. Isn’t the web wonderful? 47.
She clicks the remote again. We see an even closer view of Jimmy’s Speedo, with “Be Good to Your Buds” stamped on the swim trunks above the crotch. JANE (cont'd) And they all have my slogan right above his gigundo junk. Brilliant, if I do say so myself. And for the ladies-- (She pulls a pepper spray pocket-sized protector.) --we came up with something real special. This pepper spray protector not only promotes testicular cancer awareness, but it’ll give any mugger a searing pain that’ll reach right down to his, um, demilitarized zone. She clicks the remote again. We see Jane’s face on the cover of “Time” and “Forbes.” The press ate it up. And Sylvia let me own the whole shebang. For the first time, I was the leading the parade! Suddenly, we hear “parade” music. She starts marching in step. I could hear the roar of the crowd. I could feel their love. And the website, ”Be-Good-To-Your-Buds.com,” became a gold mine. We raised twenty million dollars in less than twenty- four hours after Jimmy appeared on Oprah. God, I just love that woman. There’s nothing she can’t sell. She clicks the remote again. We see more “Be Good to Your Buds” merch, including T-shirts, coffee mugs and bumper stickers. And we unloaded a boatload of “Buds” merch. We even created a special variety gift pack for corporations. After all, they’re people now. The parade music dies out and is replaced with audience “chanting” at a rock concert. That first “Buds-a-Palooza” benefit concert was streamed live worldwide. We raised one hundred million in pledges. And all it took was sweat, dedication and Jon Bon Jovi! She hits the clicker again. We see a blow-up of a “Chicago Tribune” article. The headline: “OLYMPIAN CANCER CURE.” 48.
JANE (cont'd) I felt like I could do anything. Climb Mount Everest. Run a marathon. Write an opera. As I told that Trib reporter, Jimmy’s recovery was a miracle. A great day for science. Suddenly, a spotlight comes on at stage left. SYLVIA is sitting at a table, in front of a microphone. Unfortunately, “science” was always my worst subject. SYLVIA We want to reiterate that the Herbert F. Roman Foundation has never claimed that it had found a cure for Jimmy’s cancer-- JANE Huh? SYLVIA Ms. Huxley’s statements to the press were not vetted by my firm or the Foundation. I don’t wish to give anyone the mistaken impression that we have found a “cure” for anything. JANE You’re kidding. SYLVIA The mission of the Foundation is to raise money to fund lifesaving cancer research and promote awareness, but not actually cure-- JANE What the-- (SYLVIA starts crying crocodile tears.) SYLVIA And finally, to certain members of the press who recently have made malicious and hurtful accusations regarding the Foundation’s distribution of funds...have you no shame? (She pulls out a large handkerchief.) To even imply that the Foundation has misappropriated monetary resources is-- (She stands up. Her dress is covered in diamonds, emeralds and rubies.)
--well, that’s just soooo hurtful. (She blows her nose with a loud honk.) 49.
SYLVIA (cont'd) After all, we’re a non-profit organization. That means we have to answer to a higher standard. Like Hebrew National. (She self-consciously looks at her glittery, jewel-encrusted dress.) Every penny we collect is put towards fulfilling our mission. We have a moral and ethical obligation to do good. We know that trust is like gold. And we like gold. So keep those cards and letters coming. Which are even more special when they include a check. Because our work is far from finished. We have only begun to spend, I mean, fight. Thank you. (Annoyed, JANE whistles at SYLVIA.) JANE Hey! Over here. Um, can I have a word? (SYLVIA walks over to her.) SYLVIA Why are you here? JANE Your secretary told me you scheduled this emergency-- SYLVIA Yeaaaaaah. I just wanted to get in front of this cancer “cure” thing as quickly as-- JANE But Jimmy is cured. I mean, I saw it with my own-- SYLVIA You can’t always believe what you see. Cancer is a very fickle disease. JANE But you’re the one who told me he was-- SYLVIA (annoyed) I was apparently misinformed! Before Billy Joe was promoted to CEO, he ran the sales and marketing divisions at Dyna- Saurus. Sales people are never the most reliable source for scientific data. But you should’ve known better.
JANE Me? SYLVIA You never use the word “cure” when you’re talking about cancer. It’s dangerous. And it’s bad for business. 50.
SYLVIA (cont'd) Our “product” is hope. It’s our bread and butter. Hope is where the money is. Do you know why most of my clients are non-profits? Because they’re so profitable. There’s practically no overhead. No factories. No unions. Just a virtual warehouse of good intentions. (She leans into JANE.) But that glorious gravy train completely derails the moment you tell the world you’ve accomplished your mission! Donors will pat you on the back and move on to the next “cause de jour.” We don’t want that. We want them to stay put and keep writing checks. Are you following me so far? JANE (dejected) Yes. SYLVIA Good. I’m glad we’re finally back on the same page. (She looks at her watch.) Gotta run. Keep me posted. No more curing, okay? (She exits stage left. JANE turns back to the audience.) JANE And just when I thought the day couldn’t any more surreal-- DR. KAREN LAWSON enters from stage right, carrying an iPad. She’s mad. KAREN I was hoping I’d find you-- JANE What are you doing here? KAREN I’m worried about Jimmy. JANE Well, don’t be. He’s fine. His “plumbing” is okay now. Thanks to me!
KAREN Do you have any idea what you’ve done? That drug, “Tranquility”-- (She pulls up some data on her iPad.) 51.
KAREN (cont'd) --is not going to stay tranquil much longer. Look at this-- JANE (dismissive) Why? I’ve seen pie charts before. They don’t tell you-- KAREN I have a friend at the Food and Drug Administration. He sent me the clinical trial results on “Tranquility.” Dyno-Saurus Pharmaceuticals is trying to fast-track the drug for FDA approval. They want to get it to market A-SAP. JANE So what? Nothing unusual there, right? Hey, the drug works. KAREN But it’s dangerous. Don’t you see that? JANE No, I don’t. Jimmy’s cured! And he got the bonus plan! (KAREN holds out her iPad again.) KAREN Look at the data. The combined toxicity of “Gigantocillin” and “Throbinol” are clearly documented here...here...and here. The studies clearly show a history of badness-- JANE Then how did “Tranquility” get fast-tracked, huh? The benefits must outweigh the risks, right? KAREN Have you been living in a cave all these years? JANE No! It was a lovely four-bedroom condo on Lake Shore Drive. Which I had to sell at a loss. Now we’re renting in Berwyn! KAREN The reason “Tranquility” got fast-tracked is because more than half of the FDA review committee used to work for Big Pharma. And believe me, they take care of their own. (A beat.) Drug companies used to worry about the blowback on any product that had “death” as a possible side effect. Not anymore. This “fast-track” thing has pink-slipped a lot of rodents. Soon, researchers won’t need them at all. (She shakes her head in disgust.) 52.
KAREN (cont'd) Now we’re the new lab rats. I mean, who reads labels anymore? Women throw Botox parties. Men take testosterone pills like Tic-Tacs. And I still think rats are better trained. (She starts to leave.) JANE Wait! (KAREN stops.) Don’t leave like this. Can’t we talk this thing out? You know, agree to disagree-- KAREN No! The stakes are too high. This is a kid’s life we’re talking about. (She angrily gets in JANE’s face.) You need to step up! Before it’s too late. (She hands her the iPad.) Here. Look at the file. Do some fucking homework! (She starts to exit via stage right, then looks back at JANE.) You once said that people crave an “inner truth.” (She takes a step forward.) I hope you someday find yours. The sooner, the better. (She leaves. JANE turns to the audience.) JANE She is soooo bitter. (Lights out.)
ACT 2, SCENE 3
Lights up. JANE is sitting in a chair in her apartment, looking at the Karen’s iPad. She looks up at the audience nervously. 53.
JANE Who can understand this stuff? Toxicity levels? A little overdramatic, don’t you think? I mean, “toxic” is a pretty fatal-sounding word. Like cankles. (She goes to her portable bar.) On the other hand, “levels” is a more subjective term. (Her hands noticeably shake as she puts ice in a highball glass.) Levels implies some wiggle room in evaluating-- (Suddenly, slams down her glass and faces the audience.) Oh, who am I kidding? These numbers ain’t good. They might as well have skull and crossbones-- (She looks closer at the iPad screen.) Shit! They do! (She starts pacing.) What am I gonna do? I ignored the warning signs. Like, all the warning signs. Dr. Lawson, I mean, Karen tried to warn me before, but I-- (She comes further down stage, holding out the iPad.) If this stuff gets out, I’ll be in deep doo-doo. This data blows my “inner truth” theory all to hell. I’ll be blackballed from here to Timbuktu. And I don’t even know where that is. (She starts pacing.) I’m just a big fat liar. I’ll never work in P.R. again! (Suddenly, the phone rings.) Must be Karen. She probably wants her computer-- (She picks up the phone.)
Hello? (Her face turns white. She turns off her phone and faces the audience.) It was...it was Jimmy. 54.
(The lights dim slightly.) JANE (cont'd) I got to Jimmy’s place as fast as I could. When I saw him-- (She turns away in anguish.) It’s one thing to look at a pie chart, it’s quite another to-- (She sighs heavily.) It was horrible. I immediately called for an ambulance. (We hear an ambulance siren.) Natasha was right. What this campaign was missing-- (The room is bathed in flashing red light.) --was ”something in red.” (Lights out.)
ACT 2, SCENE 4 Lights up. We see JIMMY lying in a hospital bed behind a partition. JANE is hovering nearby. DR. FELDMAN enters from stage right. He’s in his early forties. DR. FELDMAN Ms. Huxley? I’m Dr. Feldman. You shouldn’t be here. Mr. Hayes told me that he didn’t want to-- JANE But I’m the one who brought him-- DR. FELDMAN Yes, but he was quite clear on the subject. JANE Just give me five minutes with him and I’ll straighten this whole thing out. That’s what I do for a living. I bring people together.
DR. FELDMAN Hmmmmm. Are you a family therapist? JANE No. I work in public relations. 55.
DR. FELDMAN (cold) I see. Well, I can’t let you see him. Period. He turns and leaves. Suddenly, SYLVIA enters from stage left. She is very agitated. SYLVIA Sorry I’m late. Fundraisers go on longer than the Oscars these days. (She looks at the partition.) I just spoke to Jimmy’s doctors. They told me he’s stable. I’ve ordered that all future “Tranquility” treatments be put on hold. After a month or two, he should be okay. See? Easy-peasy. JANE (angry) How can you be so insensitive? This is our fault. Testicular cancer has one of the highest cure rates. Over ninety percent! (She steps closer to SYLVIA.) Karen was right. She showed me the “Tranquility” data. You knew, didn’t you? SYLVIA So what? Data is so interpretive. There’s tons of drugs on the market that have worst side effects than-- JANE That doesn’t make it right. SYLVIA Doesn’t make it wrong either. Legally speaking. Have you any idea how much money a cancer drug like this can rake in? Dyno-Saurus can charge twenty, thirty thousand a month or more, per patient for its product. Do you understand the magnitude of that mark-up? JANE So this is all been about money? SYLVIA Oh, pleeeease. You sound like you’ve just came off the last train from Stupidville. You can’t be that naive. You were married to C.J. Huxley, for Christ’s sake. You know how the game it played. You just didn’t want to admit your part-- (JANE turns away.) 56.
SYLVIA (cont'd) Who do you think wrote the biggest checks to the Foundation? Big Pharma. And believe me, they weren’t just investing in little Jimmy’s recovery. They were also betting on the financial windfall that would occur once “Tranquility” gets the FDA’s seal of approval. This is only a minor setback. (A beat.) And “Tranquility” is only the beginning. Dyno-Saurus is working on new cancer drugs made from locust larva, gila monster venom, newt eyes and other exotic voodoo stuff that makes investors gush with expectation. (JANE points to the partition.) JANE (angry) There’s a young man in there who’s fighting for his-- SYLVIA Cut the dramatics. Save it for the reality show. JANE What? SYLVIA Yeaaaaaah. I made a deal with ESPN. They want to do a series on Jimmy’s “road to recovery.” Isn’t that exciting? JANE (sullen) Swell. SYLVIA Of course, we’ll have to make up a cover story. Something like “his immune system was compromised when he was bitten by a German wasp” or whatever. As long as the enemy is foreign, Americans will buy it. We’ll say “the wasp sting caused a bad drug interaction,” blah-blah-blah-- JANE But that’s a lie! SYLVIA (sardonic) Yeah. And people watch reality shows for reality.
JANE What does Harriet-- SYLVIA Oh, she’s completely on board with this. 57.
JANE Really? SYLVIA You betcha. She pulls out her jewel-studded iPhone and speed-dials it. SYLVIA then hands the phone to JANE. Under a spotlight on stage left, we see HARRIET talking on an equally bejeweled iPhone. HARRIET Hello? JANE Harriet? HARRIET Yes. Jane, is that you? JANE Yes. HARRIET How are you, Jane? JANE Um, not well. How about you? HARRIET (jubilant) I am just...fabulous! (She holds out her phone.) See my new phone? (She suddenly realizes how impossible that request is.) It cost thirty thousand dollars. I got it at “J-Lo.com” You should see the place now. I’ve completely redecorated. Gold leaf wallpaper never goes down in value, you know. The Foundation money has been a godsend. JANE But...but you’re not supposed to use the funds for personal--
HARRIET My dear, the Foundation took in over three hundred million this year. You must keep these things in perspective. 58.
JANE (impatient) How much of that money went to new research? How many clinics got grants-- HARRIET How should I know? I’m only the President and CEO! Sylvia told me you’d react like this. I thought you’d be happy. JANE “Happy?” Why? HARRIET Because I hired back Dr. Lawson to supervise the recovery of that poor boy, Timmy-- JANE (correcting) Jimmy-- HARRIET Whatever. But she drove a hard bargain, I’ll tell you. JANE (confused) Really? What did Karen want? HARRIET Oh, I don’t know. Things-- JANE (insistent) Like what? HARRIET Gotta go. Time to polish the wallpaper. ‘Bye. (HARRIET’s spotlight goes out. SYLVIA grabs her iPhone back from JANE.) SYLVIA Told ya. JANE Well, you can count me out. I can’t do this anymore. You’re asking me to lie. SYLVIA I am not asking you to lie. That would be a breach of ethics. I’m just demanding that you abide by your confidentiality agreement. (She moves in closer to JANE.) 59.
SYLVIA (cont'd) And that agreement is stronger than “Super Poligrip.” And if you violate it, I’ll personally see to it that you never work in this industry again. That’ll mean the only other job you’ll be qualified for is selling week-old pretzels at Navy Pier! JANE sighs and exits stage left. Suddenly, SYLVIA runs after her and shouts off-stage. So? Are you back on board? I know you heard me. Call me! (Lights out.)
ACT 2, SCENE 5 Lights up. A drunk JANE staggers around her apartment. She pours herself a tequila shot. JANE Needless to say-- (She looks up at the heavens.) I’m not having a good day! (She looks at the audience.) The P.R. profession has gone to the dogs. Sylvia is not a nice person. She’s a greedy, no-good, lying louse! (She downs her shot and pours another.) Okay. Public relations was never as pure as the driven snow, but it used to have some principles. We used to be like doctors. We had that Hippopotamus Oath: “Do no harm.” (Suddenly, the VOICEOVER GUY is heard again.) VOICEOVER GUY (V.O.) Paging Dr. Huxley. Paging Dr. Huxley. A spotlight comes on C.J. HUXLEY at stage right. Smoke rises all around him. He is wearing a long, white doctors coat. HUXLEY has a pair of red devil horns attached to his forehead. 60.
JANE What the-- HUXLEY Relax. I’m not a real doctor. I just play one in Hell! JANE Hell. Figures. HUXLEY Yeah. No mystery there, huh? But, hey, Chief Redface needed me more than-- (He looks up at the heavens.) --the other guy. Besides, Satan had a better year. If you really look at things, evil has been on top for a while. JANE I don’t wanna hear this-- HUXLEY Come on. Bad people are practically bulletproof these days. War is up, peace is down. Polluters still go unpunished. Politicians lie even more spectacularly than ever. Yup. Our side is definitely winning. JANE If your side is doing so well, why do they need-- HUXLEY --me? The Man Downstairs told me he had been following my career for years. For all I know, he gave me the cancer just to speed up our sit-down. Then he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. (He stops forward, proud as a peacock.) He put me in charge of his new “Lizard Brain” division. JANE What? You stole that-- HUXLEY Yup. Couldn’t have made “Team Lucifer” without you. And he loved my pitch. “Operation Cinderella.” It’s all about taking certain “negative”-sounding words and transforming their meaning to be more media-friendly. “Greedy” is now “entrepreneurial.” “Sociopathic” is “aggressive leadership” “Selfish” becomes “asset-prudent.” And so on and so forth. JANE (confused) “Asset”-what? 61.
HUXLEY I just came up with it. It’s gonna catch fire. You’ll see. JANE But words have meaning. You can’t just do a “Webster’s makeover” and make it stick. People won’t buy it. HUXLEY Won’t they? People lie to themselves all the time. In fact, lying is the glue that holds us all together. I mean, the world can be a very depressing place. Being told a pack of lies actually makes most folks feel better. JANE (upset) No! I’m not buying it. People want to know the truth! HUXLEY Really? Then why do people keep voting for the same liars over and over again? Why do they keep letting Wall Street gamble away their life savings? Why do they watch that stupid “Kardashian” show? (He gets in her face.) I’ll tell you why. Because they want to be conned. They want to believe the lie. The bigger, the better. Like how to make a fortune in real estate with only ninety-nine dollars down. Or how to buy low and sell high. Or that your leaders actually give a shit about you. Hey, it’s a sucker’s game...and everybody wants to play! JANE Well, I don’t want to play anymore! And I don’t believe that people are as stupid as you think they are. They’ve just been beaten down for a long, long time. But that doesn’t mean they won’t ever get up. All people need is a little hope. Something to believe in. HUXLEY (laughing) I think it’s a little too late for that. Hope is trending downward. (Suddenly, “patriotic” music is heard.) JANE It’s never too late! Even cancer can be beat now. You know why? Because people fought back. They didn’t just accept their fate. They didn’t roll over and play dead. More and more people are fighting back every day. I’ve read it in the papers. The ones that are left. (She steps forward.) 62.
JANE (cont'd) It all starts with telling the truth. To yourself. I fell off the wagon, but I’m here now. I’m back! That’s how it starts, you know. Every evolution begins with a single-- HUXLEY Well, good luck with that. But I think you’re gonna need more troops before-- JANE I’ll get ‘em. Don’t you worry about that. (He shakes his head and sighs. The “patriotic” music stops.) HUXLEY Sure. Knock yourself out. It’s a shame though. He thought you had great potential. The guy even had an outstanding duplex all ready for you. With cable! (Suddenly, a sinister “dramatic” music sting is heard. JANE is startled.) It’s my pager. Coffee break’s over. Gotta get back. I’m always on call. (His spotlight starts to go out.) JANE Wait! HUXLEY Hmmmmm? JANE Cable? In Hell? HUXLEY Yeah, but it’s Comcast. Hey, you look great, kid. Miss the sex. Be happy you’re not deaaaaaaad-- (His spotlight goes out. She rubs her eyes and picks up her tequila bottle.) JANE I gotta cut down. (Lights out.) 63.
ACT 2, SCENE 6 Lights up. At center stage, we see JIMMY asleep in his hospital bed. An IV bag is next to him. JANE enters from stage left. She turns to the audience. JANE I bribed the orderly. I gave him one of our Jimmy- autographed Speedos. It wasn’t his size, but that’s why there’s eBay. (She walks over to the bed and sits beside him. He stays asleep.) You look better. Not so deformed. You’ll have an easier time now buying pants. (She nervously stands over his bed.) I’m really sorry. For everything. This is all my fault. I lost my head. I didn’t protect you. I should’ve been watching your back. And, um, your front-- (She touches his hand.) Jimmy, please forgive me. (KAREN enters from stage right.) KAREN Why should he? (JANE looks around.) He’ll be well enough to leave here soon. The rest of the corrective treatments can be done at the clinic. My clinic. (JANE walks over to her.) JANE We need to talk. Privately. (They move over to stage left.) I don’t like complexity. Complex things gives me headaches. Which is the same reason why I don’t see foreign films.
KAREN Jane-- 64.
JANE Look at me! I’m a widow. My late husband was a felon. I have an adult son who thinks Pandora is a real place. KAREN Jane-- JANE There’s been too much confusion. Confusion confuses me. KAREN (impatient) What are you talking about? JANE I’m talking about you rejoining the band! You’re back with Harriet and Sylvia-- (KAREN sighs and nods her head.) KAREN I had no choice. They threatened to sue me. JANE Really? KAREN Yes. JANE Huh. Me too. KAREN Sylvia said if I didn’t come back, the Foundation would come after me for “misappropriation of funds.” JANE What? You? KAREN Sylvia said she could prove that I had funneled Foundation money into a lesbian karaoke bar in Manila. Which is patently untrue. I hate karaoke! JANE Can’t you fight-- KAREN With what? I can’t afford a lawyer. And with the Foundation’s war chest-- JANE I get the picture. 65.
(KAREN looks over at JIMMY’s bed.) KAREN But in a way, I’m glad to be back. I always like to finish what I started. JANE Well, at least now I know he’s in good hands. (She shakes her head.) I really thought Sylvia and Harriet wanted to help people. KAREN They did. Just not the people you thought. Cancer is just another commodity these days. Like Coke and Pepsi. JANE But that’s not right. Not right at all. And it’s people like Jimmy who pay the price. There’s gotta be something we can-- KAREN What’s the use? How can we fight these people? They got money. They got influence. They got...Jon Bon Jovi-- (She sighs and shakes her head.) I guess business rules. JANE So we’ll have to break a few rules ourselves. KAREN Do you have a plan? JANE (awkward) No. But I do think “rule breaking” is the key to-- KAREN (smiling) You are such a goof! JANE It’s the alcohol. Friends? KAREN Friends. She hugs JANE. KAREN touches JANE’s face in friendship. JIMMY suddenly sits up. He’s clearly excited. 66.
JIMMY Whoa! (Both women walk over to the bed.) JANE Glad to see you’re feeling better, Jimmy. JIMMY Yeah. Was I, um, interrupting something? KAREN Just go back to sleep, okay? Doctor’s orders. JIMMY (pouty) That’s easy for you to say. (He reclines. KAREN and JANE exit via stage right.) Wow! That was some dream. Or was it? (He touches the IV bag and smiles.) I love drugs! (Lights out.)
ACT 2, SCENE 7 A spotlight comes on above JANE, who is standing behind a podium at center stage. She faces the audience, as if they were a room full of reporters. JANE And in conclusion, I just want to say that non-profit organizations should not be run like for-profit businesses. They should have a higher calling. Like helping people. (We see KAREN standing in a spotlight on stage left.) I’m not saying that every CEO who runs a non-profit is a heartless, greedy bastard. But if you can only pee in a toilet made of solid gold and make millions while heading a charitable organization made up mostly of volunteers, then you and I have a very different take on the word ”charity.” (She holds up a printed report.) 67.
JANE (cont'd) My report, which I received from an anonymous source-- (KAREN coughs loudly.) --clearly documents that only a small percentage of the Herbert F. Roman Foundation’s operating budget went to testicular cancer research. We see SYLVIA and HARRIET standing in a spotlight on stage right. Both are very pissed at JANE. The rest went to bloated salaries for top senior management, extravagant entertainment expenses, expensive Super Bowl commercials, illegal fund-raising call centers in Guam and the Philippines...and slave labor promotional bling camps in North Korea. (She looks straight at SYLVIA.) And that is the ultimate “inner truth.” We see JIMMY standing in a spotlight on an elevated platform behind JANE, wearing a bathrobe and looking fully recovered. With the help of you good people of the press, we can expose all these corrupt non-profit business practices once and for all! ‘Cause the truth is on our side. Thank you. We hear applause. JANE steps down from the podium and waves to the crowd. Suddenly, smoke is seen down stage. HUXLEY appears in a tuxedo, with a top hat and cane. HUXLEY Well, that just about wraps it up. Fox News labeled Jane “a Marxist-Feminist tool of the underground.” I still have no idea what that means. But Charlie couldn’t deal with the political fallout. So he moved out. Yes, our son finally wanted to be on his own and learn to think for himself. He became a Scientologist. (He shrugs.)
Hey, at least he’s working. Those people only take cash. (A beat.) 68.
HUXLEY (cont'd) The bad press completely put the kaibosh on the FDA’s approval of “Tranquility.” My boss was very disappointed. He had stock in the company. BILLY JOE MONTANA appears in a spotlight at stage left. He has piles of dollar bills stuffed in every pocket. As for Dyno-Saurus Pharmaceuticals, the company decided to shift its focus to less litigious products. Like “Stupendium,” their new topical breast enlargement skin cream. Sales have skyrocketed. And no complaints. So far. BILLY JOE winks and gives the audience two thumps up. Next, HUXLEY points to SYLVIA and HARRIET. Sylvia and Harriet were brought up on charges of fraud, misappropriation of funds and selling Bon Jovi t-shirts without a permit. They settled out of court, paid a fine and, of course, admitted no wrongdoing. When asked, Jon Bon Jovi is reported to have said: “Whatever, dude.” (A beat.) The Foundation is still in the black. Harriet won her lawsuit against that hospital for the wrongful death of her beloved Herbie. The jury took one look at his acrylic- encased testicles and-- We see dollar bills falling down from above. SYLVIA and HARRIET are grabbing the bills and celebrating. --cha-ching! Happy days are here again! (He points to KAREN.) The Foundation finally bought Karen out. She used the kiss- off cash to start her own cancer clinic. Let’s face it, cancer is a growth industry. (JANE and KAREN high-five each other.) Speaking of growth--
(He points to JIMMY.) --Jimmy decided not to be the Foundation’s spokesperson anymore. Now that he’s cancer-free, Jimmy got a better offer. From Chippendales. 69.
Suddenly, JIMMY drops his bathrobe, revealing that he’s only wearing a Speedo. He flexes his muscles. We hear an off-stage “Wooooooooo!” Finally, HUXLEY points to JANE. HUXLEY (cont'd) As for Jane, her press conference got the attention of a very important television personality. With her own show. And she invited Jane to be a guest. Jane was very excited. It was a dream come true. She finally got to be on-- (Suddenly, dance music is heard.) --the “Ellen” show! (Lights flash like in a disco. JANE dances her heart out.) And me? I’m still dead. But that doesn’t mean I can’t dance. Confetti falls from above. KAREN, JIMMY, BILLY JOE, SYLVIA, HARRIET and HUXLEY start dancing as well. (Lights out.)
END OF ACT II THE END