“NOT CURING CANCER” a play (in two acts) by Gerry Ringwald THIRD DRAFT 2504 W. CATALPA AVE., APT. 1W SEPTEMBER 17, 2015 (REV.) CHICAGO, IL 60625 773-315-7729 [email protected] 2. CAST OF CHARACTERS JANE HUXLEY - mid 40’s, widowed single mother, former public relations executive. DR. KAREN LAWSON - late 30s, cancer researcher. C.J. HUXLEY/DR. FELDMAN - late 40s, public relations legend; hospital physician. BOB PASTERNAK/BILLY JOE MONTANA - late 30s, a powerful sports agent; CEO of Dyno-Saurus Pharmaceuticals. SYLVIA TEMPLETON - late 30s, CEO of Ferguson-Utley. HARRIET J. ROMAN/NATASHA DRAGONOV - mid 50s, head of the Herbert F. Roman Foundation; Russian fashion designer. CHARLIE HUXLEY/JIMMY HAYES - early 20s, son of Jane Huxley; Olympic swimmer. VOICEOVER GUY - seasoned voiceover talent for commercial. The time is the present. The place is the city of Chicago. 3. ACT 1, SCENE 1 A spotlight appears on center stage. A large video screen is lowered. We see a film of a lab rat making its way through a maze. The rat is being zapped with an electrical charge to keep it moving. Another spotlight appears on stage left. Famed public relations guru, C.J. HUXLEY stands behind a podium. In his late-forties, HUXLEY is brimming with confidence and energy. HUXLEY If anyone really wants to know how the public relations game is played here in Chicago-- (He points to the video screen. The rat is halfway through the maze.) --follow “Sparky.” Think of this furry, helpless creature as your client. Your job is to guide this lost soul through the maze of malicious mass media marauders waiting to derail any carefully constructed corporate cover story. You must defend your client like a Ninja warrior! (He whips out a taser like a samurai warrior and holds it up high.) And your most powerful weapon? The art of...persuasion! He zaps the taser. On the video screen, the rat is shocked again and crosses the finish line. The lights come on. He holds up a presentation kit and switches to pure salesman mode. This and many more amazing P.R. insights are available in my new home study course: “C.J. Huxley’s Do-It-Yourself Public Relations Starter Kit.” And if you act now-- (He puts the taser on top of the kit.) --I’ll throw in a free taser! Remember: “No pain, no gain!” (He laughs and winks at the audience.) Hey, we’re not curing cancer here, folks! (Lights out.) 4. ACT 1, SCENE 2 A spotlight comes on center stage. JANE HUXLEY, an attractive woman in her mid-forties, addresses the audience. She is wearing a tailored business suit and holding a glass of wine. JANE saunters around the stage like a slightly tipsy party guest. JANE Wasn’t he wonderful? My husband, C.J. Huxley, was one of the true pioneers of modern P.R. prestidigitation. I say “was,” because...he’s dead! He passed away about a year ago. Prostate cancer. Yep. C.J. was such a-- (Her eyes get moist.) He was...he was such a...a-- (Suddenly, she looks angry.) --schmuck! Typical guy. Primo procrastinator. For months, he told me he felt “funny,” you know, down there. I told him to get a check-up, but he wouldn’t. I mean, why should he listen to me? I was only his wife! By the time he was taken to the hospital after doing a header into his Red Lobster shrimp sampler, C.J.’s cancer was Stage Four. To this day, every time I smell cocktail sauce, I-- (She tries to smile.) Hi. I’m Jane. The widow. A spotlight appears stage right. CHARLIE HUXLEY, Jane’s twenty-three year old son, is acting upset. CHARLIE Maaaaaa! JANE And this is my son, Charlie. CHARLIE Maaaaaa! JANE Expressive, isn’t he? CHARLIE is playing a Wii video game like a out-of-control ten-year old. He holds up his Wii remote stick in anger. 5. CHARLIE (shouting) I can’t...Wii! My power stick is, like, totally drained. (He violently shakes the Wii remote several times in exasperation.) This really sucks! I was about to rescue Princess Zelda from the evil Ganon with my trusty-- (He throws down the dead remote.) Maaaaaaa! (His spotlight goes out.) JANE Twenty-three years old. Still living at home. Still tweeting girls who only exist in two dimensions. And ride unicorns. (She shakes her head.) With C.J. gone, somebody had to put food on the table. (She sighs.) I lost the coin toss. And Charlie said I had more job skills. Which brings us to-- (A glass door is lowered. On the door are two words: “Human Resources.”) My return to the workforce was greeted with about as much enthusiasm as an outbreak of cholera! (She looks at the audience.) And you older ladies know what I’m talking about. One day you’re competing for a slot on the varsity cheerleader squad and then suddenly...poof! You’re in a room full of young bitchy barracudas battling for some sucky entry level job you thought you had passed on the highway of life eons ago! (A beat.) H.R. people are just brutal. I think they deliberately ask us older gals tougher questions. Like: ”Why did you leave the workforce for over two decades?” Can they even ask that? Or: “What are your qualifications?” I mean, come on! (Suddenly, a voice is heard.) 6. SYLVIA (V.O.) Ms. Huxley? (The “Human Resources” door is raised. A spotlight appears on stage left.) JANE Yes? SYLVIA TEMPLETON, CEO of Ferguson- Utley, enters from stage left, carrying a leather folder. She is wearing an expensive business suit. SYLVIA is ten years younger than JANE. She is diva incarnate. Insincerity oozes from her pores. She shakes JANE’s hand. SYLVIA I’m Sylvia Templeton, President and CEO of Ferguson-Utley. JANE Oh. Hi. But I thought I was here to see Ms. Lewis-- SYLVIA Yeeeeeah. You were. But I told her I wanted to conduct this interview personally. I don’t like to play by the rules. Rules are for sissies. And when I learned that C.J. Huxley was your father-- JANE (correcting) Husband. SYLVIA Yeeeeeah. I can see that now. C.J. Huxley was a legend in this industry. I met him at a conference in Las Vegas ten years ago. I worshipped the ground he walked on. JANE (sardonic) So did he. SYLVIA C.J. was very generous with his time. He loved to be surrounded by young, eager minds. JANE (sardonic) Yup. The eager-er, the better. SYLVIA (melodramatic) You and I also share another personal experience. 7. JANE Really. What’s that? SYLVIA The “Big C.” My husband died of colon cancer. Just like your-- (JANE shakes her head.) JANE C.J. died of prostate-- SYLVIA (awkward) Oh. My bad. But, you know, the colon and the prostate are practically neighbors. I feel like we were meant to work together. JANE (excited) That’s great. I mean, I know I could do a bang-up job-- SYLVIA Yes. There was one resume item that really caught me eye. (She opens her folder and looks down at the application.) Hmmmmm. Yes. Tell me about...the “Iguana.” JANE (prideful) Well, I worked on that campaign about eight years ago. While C.J. was doing a fourteen months stretch in Lompoc for tax fraud. As they say: “The show must go on.” SYLVIA Of course. Loved your tagline: “Smart. Swift. Scaly.” How did you come up with-- JANE One of our valued clients, Takasushi Motors, came in one day with photos of their newest prototype. It was a super-sized, four-wheel drive, chrome-up-the-wazoo...thing. It made a Hummer look like a Mini. Gianormous. Twenty stereo speakers. Six Slurpee cup holders. Four Glock compartments. Definitely a “guy” car. So my first challenge was to try and think like a guy. And as we girls all know, men are not easy to understand. SYLVIA Yeaaaaaah. But you didn’t give up. 8. JANE No way. C.J. was counting on me. He said so. On visiting days. I started with the big question-- (A spotlight comes on downstage right. C.J. HUXLEY appears in an orange prison jumpsuit.) HUXLEY Here it comes-- JANE “What nut would buy a three-ton, big-honkin’ uggzilla thing like that?” SYLVIA I own two. JANE (defensive) I’m not saying they’re not dependable-- SYLVIA Yeaaaaaah. Go on. JANE I was stumped. Then one day, I made the mistake of taking the Dan Ryan during rush hour. But that “mistake” turned out to be a masterstroke. Suddenly, I saw the light! There they were, hundreds of hostile highway hooligans driving like absolute maniacs. I called my shrink. He told me that there’s a psychological term for this phenomenon. It’s called “Feeding the Lizard Brain on the Dan Ryan Expressway.” He said the “lizard” part of the brain is located above the basal ganglia and looks like a tiny Komodo dragon. HUXLEY Easy, easy. You sound a little loopy-- JANE Then it hit me. Lizard brain...dragon...Iguana. Ta-da! SYLVIA That billboard ad: “Eat the vermin. Feed the Lizard.” It was brilliant! Brilliant! HUXLEY What? That’s the most ridiculous-- SYLVIA I like the way you think. It’s deep. HUXLEY Oh, boy-- 9. JANE Sales went through the roof. Iguana owners set records for speeding, tailgating and other forms of reckless endangerment. Sales were especially strong with Libertarians. SYLVIA Nothing succeeds like success. Except more success.