In a Milonga, It's Rude to Get up and Ask Someone to Dance, “Thank You” Does Not Mean “Thank You,” and Unusually Prolonged Eye-Contact Is Entirely Legitimate

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In a Milonga, It's Rude to Get up and Ask Someone to Dance, “Thank You” Does Not Mean “Thank You,” and Unusually Prolonged Eye-Contact Is Entirely Legitimate Los Códigos del Tango (the tango rules of etiquette) Tips & Thoughts by Naomi Harris In a milonga, it's rude I left the first milonga I attended after— maybe, at my most conservative guess—an to get up and ask entire seven minutes. In those seven someone to dance, bewildered and embarrassed minutes, I “thank you” does not quit tango, hated all humanity (well, that’s nothing new), and had an existential crisis. mean “thank you,” In short, the experience was harrowing. If and unusually I had had the sort of high school prolonged eye- nightmares of ignorantly overstepping unspoken-and-yet-unspeakably-vital social contact is entirely conventions, they would have returned to legitimate. me in all their going-to-school-naked mortification. Not, of course, that I actually attended the milonga naked; the horror was that I had been entirely polite and yet somehow managed to offend several people. So, in order to spare you the soul searching aggravation that I went through, I will tell you this now; tango has its own etiquette. In a milonga, it’s rude to get up and ask someone to dance, “thank you” does not mean “thank you,” and unusually prolonged eye-contact is entirely legitimate. How perfectly intuitive, right? Here’s my breakdown of the most important things to know about los códigos (the tango rules of etiquette), and my very own compilation of “What People Should Have Told Me But Didn’t So Now I’m Telling You and You Can Thank Me Later”: 1 TANDAS AND CORTINAS: Just so we’re all on the same page, the music during the milonga is broken down into tandas, which are bundles of 3-4 songs organized by music style (tango, milonga, or vals) and orchestra (di Sarli, D’Arienzo, Caló, etc.) Normally, the order is 2 tango tandas and then a vals or milonga tanda (alternating vals and milonga throughout the night). Tango tandas are usually made up of 4 songs, and milonga and vals tandas only 3, but this is subject to the whim of the DJ. Each tanda is separated by a cortina, meaning “curtain.” Originating in the days when curtain drops heralded the band’s break, the cortina is a roughly thirty-second piece of non-tango music that denotes the end of one tanda and the start of the next. In a milonga, it's rude to get up and ask someone to dance, “thank you” does not mean “thank you,” and unusually prolonged eye-contact is entirely legitimate. That’s all fairly straightforward, right? Well, now we get to the juicy part. When you stand up to dance with someone, the understanding is that you dance with them until the end of the tanda. If you only want to dance two songs with them, you have to wait until the tanda is two songs from the end to invite them to dance. The alternative, known as “breaking the tanda,” is considered extremely rude. You should only leave the dance floor in the middle of a tanda if you are in pain, your mother is dying, or if your partner has overstepped the rules of common decency. You should not do this if you decide you just don’t really like the way your partner dances or for any other non-threatening situation, because breaking a tanda reflects very badly on the person whom you’ve left, suggesting that they have somehow behaved wrongly. These rules seem fairly extreme and a bit ridiculous, but they actually serve a very useful purpose; if someone hurt you or behaved inappropriately, you can call them out on it and subtly warn others from dancing with him or her. 2 TANDAS AND CORTINAS: Just so we’re all on the same page, the music during the milonga is broken down into tandas, which are bundles of 3-4 songs organized by music style (tango, milonga, or vals) and orchestra (di Sarli, D’Arienzo, Caló, etc.) Normally, the order is 2 tango tandas and then a vals or milonga tanda (alternating vals and milonga throughout the night). Tango tandas are usually made up of 4 songs, and milonga and vals tandas only 3, but this is subject to the whim of the DJ. Each tanda is separated by a cortina, meaning “curtain.” Originating in the days when curtain drops heralded the band’s break, the cortina is a roughly thirty-second piece of non-tango music that denotes the end of one tanda and the start of the next. In a milonga, it's rude to get up and ask someone to dance, “thank you” does not mean “thank you,” and unusually prolonged eye-contact is entirely legitimate. That’s all fairly straightforward, right? Well, now we get to the juicy part. When you stand up to dance with someone, the understanding is that you dance with them until the end of the tanda. If you only want to dance two songs with them, you have to wait until the tanda is two songs from the end to invite them to dance. The alternative, known as “breaking the tanda,” is considered extremely rude. You should only leave the dance floor in the middle of a tanda if you are in pain, your Being slightly annoyed or mother is dying, or if your partner has displeased? Not a reason to break the tanda! overstepped the rules of common decency. You should not do this if you decide you just don’t really like the way your partner dances or for any other non-threatening situation, because breaking a tanda reflects very badly on the person whom you’ve left, suggesting that they have somehow behaved wrongly. These rules seem fairly extreme and a bit ridiculous, but they actually serve a very useful purpose; if someone hurt you or behaved inappropriately, you can call them out on it and subtly warn others from dancing with him or her. 3 CABECEOS AND THANK YOUS: Have you been to a milonga? Yes? So you’ve noticed how people silently pair off and move towards the dance floor as if by magic? Maybe you were going to ask your friend to dance, but before you could get to her, she got up to dance with another guy from across the room and HOW DID THAT HAPPEN HE WAS ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ROOM????? Or, maybe you asked that dashingly attractive man in the corner to dance, and he looked at you as if you’d just asked to pee in his shoe? Yeah. That’s why we have the cabeceo. You should really get acquainted; the cabeceo is going to be your best friend. The most elegant way to invite someone to dance is to use the Mirada (eye contact) and cabeceó (nod). It's used the same way by the man & the woman, usually during the Cortina or early in the tanda. Strictly speaking, the cabeceo comes from the Spanish word for head (cabeza), and is something like a nod; in effect, it’s a wordless way of asking to dance, using eye-contact, nods, and smiles. Evolving from the traditional dance halls, where men sat together on one side and women sat on the other, the cabeceo evolved as a means of asking quickly and saving face. 4 It’s a beautiful thing; it’s as fast as looking across the room, saving you from getting up, navigating the edges of the dance floor, and asking in person. It also saves you from the embarrassment of walking all the way back to your seat if the person you wanted to dance with declined your invitation. HERE’S WHAT YOU DO: Look around the room for the people you want to dance with. (That’s called the mirada.) When they look back at you, nod or smile to invite them to dance. If they nod or smile in return, you’re set! Keep eye contact, meet them on the edge of the dance floor, and have fun! If they look away, they have politely declined. If you don’t want to dance with someone who is cabeceoing, (that’s totally a verb now) then you just break eye contact. Aha. Now we get to the tricky part. How do you know if they saw your cabeceo and don’t want to dance with you, or if they just legitimately didn’t see you in the darkness and movement of the milonga? You don’t. If you think they didn’t see you, you can move closer or make sure they have a clearer view of you and try again, but that’s it. Otherwise, you have to accept that they don’t want to dance. All right, that’s fine, but what if someone is looking over and When in doubt, keep the eye contact & you want to dance, but you’re not sure if wait until they’re right in front of you. they’re cabeceoing you or your neighbor? That’s where keeping eye-contact becomes important; as they move closer to you (traditionally the guy gets up and walks closer to the gal), it should be more obvious where they’re looking. If you’re still in doubt, wait until they’re right in front of you. If you get up to meet them and it becomes obvious that they’re not cabeceoing you after all, don’t freak out. Just keep walking and visit your friends on that side of the room like a pro, because that’s totally what you meant to do all along.
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