MONICA, 1998 By: Sam Fishell
10/24/12 6th Draft
1 CHARACTERS
ALEX BRADLEY SARAH SANDRA MARIE ABBY INTERVIEWER FAN
The play takes place in 1998 and in the present.
Sarah, Sandra, and Marie may be played by the same actress.
2 Scene 1
Lights up on ALEX HANDER, 47, sprawled out on a faded leather couch. He’s asleep.
The floor is littered with the following - clothes, wrappers, boxes, cigarette butts, the occasional liquor bottle, magazines, and a guitar case.
Alex jerks awake. For a moment, he’s still in the dream. He’s sweaty, breathing fast and hard.
His hand darts into his pocket, but doesn’t find what he was looking for. He looks under the couch. He fumbles through the cushions and produces a crushed pack of cigarettes. He lights one of them and sinks back into his state of repose. He takes a drag. Blows the smoke into the air. Studies it. Steadies his breathing.
He turns his attention to the cigarette itself. Rotates it in his hand a bit. He glances at his arm. Lingers on it.
He makes the decision to bury the burning cigarette into his forearm. His skin hisses. His face registers nothing. He stares at the spot on his arm. A few seconds, and then:
ALEX Ow! Goddamnit.
SARAH, 20’s, enters. She’s too pretty for him.
SARAH What’s wrong with you?
ALEX Oh, hey. I…
SARAH Forgot I was here?
ALEX No. I just…I don’t know.
SARAH I woke up last night and you were gone.
3 ALEX Sometimes I sleepwalk. I guess I came out here.
SARAH Why were you screaming?
ALEX I burned myself. It’s nothing. Just stings a little bit.
SARAH Really? Because I thought your threshold for pain was through the roof based on last night. I mean, you really wanted me to go for it. Just get in there and… (she playfully mimes choking Alex) …I’m not going to lie, it was kind of weird. But…empowering, in a way. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been with a guy where all he wants to do is get a little rough with me. Smack my ass a bit. Which is fine, you know, but it’s nice to be able to give it back—
ALEX Hey, since you’re around, would you mind grabbing me something?
SARAH What, like Neosporin?
ALEX I was gonna say a drink.
SARAH Hell yeah! It’s 10 A.M.…let’s do this thing! Where’s your liquor cabinet?
ALEX Over there. A whiskey’d be great.
SARAH A whiskey what?
ALEX Oh, just straight.
SARAH No, I mean, whiskey…what?
4
ALEX Whiskey please?
SARAH Whiskey please what?
ALEX Whiskey please… (a beat) …buddy? I don’t really know what you’re looking for here.
SARAH Say my name.
Alex goes silent.
SARAH You’re kidding.
ALEX Give me three guesses. Becca.
SARAH Nope.
ALEX Britney?
SARAH Strike two.
ALEX I know it’s a B-word. Berrrrr…onica?
SARAH Sarah.
ALEX Sarah! Sarah. Sarah from the bar.
5 SARAH You got it! First name Sarah, last name Früm-the-Bar. (Sarah moves to the cabinet and opens a drawer, shuffles through its contents.) I’m just kidding about the name thing. I really don’t give a shit. But dude, you had one guess left, and you went with Beronica? How many Beronicas have you met in your life? (she looks deeper into the cabinet) Hey, I don’t see any liquor in here. It’s just a bunch of old papers.
Alex looks up.
ALEX Wait. Shit. Not that cabinet.
Sarah begins pulling out magazine covers and records. She turns them over.
SARAH Man, you have a lot of records.
ALEX That’s not the liquor cabinet.
Sarah pulls out another record.
SARAH Hogwhip? I remember them! (She pulls out another, and another. Glances at a magazine cover, holds it.) Are you like the biggest Hogwhip fan in the world or something? You have all their shit! That’s super embarrassing for you.
ALEX The liquor cabinet’s over there.
SARAH That one song of theirs was okay. How did it go?
ALEX I don’t know.
SARAH Oh come on. I’m looking at teenage girl levels of obsession here. You know
6 what I’m talking about. They had that one hit! It was something like…
She begins humming a verse. Alex crosses to her.
ALEX Hey, put those away.
SARAH Oooh, are you mad? Are you mad, fanboy?
Alex grabs the magazine cover in her hands and tears it away. It wishbones with a rip, so that Alex is left holding the bulk of the magazine and Sarah is holding the cover. She laughs, then looks at the cover. She falls silent as her eyes widen.
SARAH Holy shit. This is you. You were in Hogwhip?
ALEX You ripped it.
SARAH First of all, you ripped it. Secondly, okay, I need to get something straight. So you were in Hogwhip—
ALEX No, no. You were right before. I’m just a huge fan.
SARAH Alex, I’m looking at a picture of you – clearly you – on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. So last night, in order to sleep with me, you told me you were the guitar player from The Creatures, a shitty band. But in reality, you were the lead singer of Hogwhip, an even shittier band. I mean, you know, a pretty good band. A decent band.
ALEX Well, when you put it that way I sound kind of smart.
SARAH You’ve gotta be kidding me! You guys were huge for a while, right? With that one song!
7 ALEX Hey, I’m gonna grab that drink. You want a drink? Or—
Alex goes to the liquor cabinet and pours himself some whiskey.
SARAH Jesus Christ, I thought you were dead. Didn’t you die or something?
ALEX I don’t think so.
SARAH No no, I’m pretty sure I read that you died. A speedball or something. Outside the Viper Room?
ALEX That wasn’t me.
SARAH Shit. Who am I thinking of?
ALEX River Phoenix?
Alex slumps back onto the couch, drink in hand.
SARAH No, that doesn’t sound right. This is driving me crazy. What was that song?
ALEX If I tell you, will you stop confusing me with dead actors?
SARAH Probably…
ALEX Monica.
SARAH Monica! (singing)
8 M-m-m-m-m-monica. You’re on fire and I’m feelin’ the burn. M-m-m-m- monica. I got your heart and you got mine in turn. (she hums the rest and dances around a bit) The Monica Lewinsky song! That song is fucking great, man!
ALEX Thanks.
Sarah keeps humming.
SARAH Man, you guys were on the cover of Rolling Stone? That’s crazy. You don’t see many one-hit wonders on the cover of Rolling Stone.
ALEX I don’t know. It’s just a magazine. The Wallflowers were on the cover.
SARAH Yeah, but Bob Dylan’s kid was in that band.
ALEX Rolling Stone is bullshit. It means nothing. Six months after we made the cover, there was a cover story about fucking Jar Jar Binks.
SARAH Is that a ska band or something?
ALEX No, hey, look. I’m pretty tired. You should probably leave.
SARAH Aw, are you tired from sleeping all day? (Beat.) I’m sorry. (She approaches him, touches his arm.) Where does it hurt? Here? (She kisses his arm.) Feel better? (She kisses him again. She’s laying on top of him on the couch.)
9 ALEX A little.
SARAH I can’t believe I slept with Alex Hander! Got any good road stories? Did you meet any famous people?
ALEX Yeah, a couple.
SARAH Any good ones?
ALEX I was in a flag football league with Coolio.
SARAH No shit! Was he any good?
ALEX Yeah…yeah. Pretty good.
SARAH That’s awesome. Hey, I’m sorry I called you a one-hit wonder. I know that must sting a little bit.
ALEX It’s fine.
She kisses him.
SARAH It’s just that, you know, objectively you guys were a one-hit wonder.
ALEX So that makes you…what? A groupie?
SARAH Hey!
10 ALEX Do you know why I went up to you in that bar last night? Because I can smell a groupie from a mile away. Short dress, low confidence, pretty but certainly not beautiful. Desperate enough to sleep with anyone who walks up to her and says he can play a few chords.
Sarah lets this sink in for a moment. Suddenly, she puts her full weight onto Alex and hits him. Alex grabs her arms and attempts to roughly kiss her. He partially succeeds. Sarah struggles and manages to sink her teeth into his burn-wound. She bites down hard.
ALEX Fuck!
Alex shoves her off of him. She staggers backwards.
SARAH Goodbye.
ALEX Sarah, I’m sorry—
She grabs the magazine cover from off the ground and throws it at him.
SARAH Here, have a fucking band-aid.
Sarah leaves.
Alex rubs his arm, grimacing. He walks slowly to the magazine cover and picks it up from the ground. He wraps it around the wound. He lights another cigarette and sinks deeper into the couch.
LIGHTS.
11 Scene 2
1998.
Alex is sitting on a chair, opposite INTERVIEWER. Thick glasses, band t-shirt, and a blazer. Slightly older than Alex.
Alex is considerably more vibrant, energetic.
Interviewer scribbles on a notepad.
INTERVIEWER So first of all, Alex, congratulations on having the breakout hit of 1998.
ALEX Thanks, it’s been a big year for us.
INTERVIEWER Your rise to the top has been meteoric. What’s it like to go from playing clubs to theaters in nine months?
ALEX It’s been great. You know, Bradley and I—
INTERVIEWER Your guitar player.
ALEX —Right, Bradley and I have been playing together since high school, touring, trying to find an audience. We used to have to stand outside of clubs and beg people to come inside to watch us play. Now we’re selling out shows…it’s incredible.
INTERVIEWER Who are your influences? How’d you guys get started?
ALEX Well, I grew up listening to Memphis soul – Otis Redding, Rufus Thomas, Sam & Dave. And Bradley…well, it’s kind of funny actually. We went to the same middle school, and at the end of the year they do this talent show. I went up and sang “Hold On, I’m Comin’”. I practiced for months. I had this blue suit
12 that my dad had worn at his prom. I danced…it was awful. But I thought I was hot shit, you know? And the crowd ate it up, and I’m thinking I’ve got first prize in the bag. And then this kinda chubby kid with braces walks onstage with this cheap Fender strat. He’s clearly very shy, kind of awkward. And this kid proceeds to play the guitar solo from “Sweet Child O’ Mine” note-for-note. Totally shreds it. That was Bradley. I still won the talent show, but I talked to him afterwards. That summer we just started playing together, writing songs, and we just clicked, you know?
INTERVIEWER Right on, right on. Hey, do you want some coke?
ALEX Hm?
Interviewer draws two lines of cocaine on the table. Does one and offers the other to Alex.
ALEX Oh…
INTERVIEWER Come on man. This is Rolling Stone magazine. Let’s party.
ALEX Yeah, alright.
Alex does the other line.
INTERVIEWER That’s better. Alright, alright. So what about now? What are you guys listening to? What’s the new sound?
ALEX Well, we try to draw influence from all over the place. Right now, we’ve been listening to a lot of Kraftwerk, Can, David Bowie—
INTERVIEWER Yeah, but you guys sound nothing like David Bowie.
13 ALEX Well, yeah, but we still—
INTERVIEWER I mean, David Bowie’s a genius. “Low” is one of the greatest albums of all time. And you guys – I mean, you’ve got a hit, sure, but come on. Do you really think people are going to be talking about Hogwhip in twenty years?
ALEX Um, I’m not sure. Hopefully. I mean, I’m not comparing us to David Bowie.
INTERVIEWER Good. Because that would probably make you sound like kind of a dick.
ALEX I guess so.
INTERVIEWER So, alright, you’ve got this number one hit. “Monica.” Now, when the whole Monica Lewinsky scandal breaks a few months ago, were you just like “I gotta write a song about this?” Was it that easy?
ALEX Actually, that’s something I’ve been trying to clear up. The song wasn’t written about Monica Lewinsky. It was just some unlucky timing. Or lucky timing, I guess.
INTERVIEWER Wait wait wait. Wait. You’re saying “Monica” isn’t about Monica Lewinsky?
ALEX Right. Us releasing the single when we did was a total coincidence, but Bradley and I wrote it years ago—
INTERVIEWER But you understand how people could make the mistake, right? For one thing, the song is called “Monica.” And the lyrics are pretty on-point.
ALEX I guess I don’t see how the lyrics relate.
14 INTERVIEWER Alex. “You’re on fire and I’m feelin’ the burn? Monica…I got your heart and you got mine in turn.” You got mine, in turn?
ALEX Okay…
INTERVIEWER Monica was a White House intern when she gave Clinton the ol’ open-mouth salute. You got mine, intern.
ALEX But it isn’t “intern.” It’s in turn…like, I’ve got your heart, you’ve got mine as well.
INTERVIEWER Fine. But then how do you explain the album title?
ALEX What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER The name of your album is…
ALEX Blue.
INTERVIEWER As in…
ALEX The color.
INTERVIEWER Not the act that made Ms. Lewinsky so very, very famous?
ALEX No.
15 INTERVIEWER Then it’s certainly not a reference to the notorious blue dress, which Linda Tripp urged Monica not to dry clean because it still contained traces of the President’s baby batter. Alex, I’m a journalist. This is what I do. You’re gonna tell me that Monica’s dress wasn’t in the back of your mind when you named your album “Blue”?
ALEX I didn’t even know most of that until just now. We named it Blue because…I don’t know. We had to press the record and we needed a title, and Bradley and I split a twelve-pack and decided it would be cool to honor Miles Davis. Or something.
INTERVIEWER My version’s more interesting. (he scribbles in his notebook) So, okay. Five years from now. The Monica thing’s done, Clinton’s rotting in jail…where do you see yourself? Where do you see Hogwhip?
ALEX Hopefully we’ll make another good record. Tour and stuff. I’ve always wanted to play the Hollywood Bowl – hopefully we’ll be able to make that happen. But first we need to hunker down in the studio. You know, really show people that we’re more than some novelty song. Which is not to say…I’m definitely thankful for all the exposure—
INTERVIEWER Who are you dating?
ALEX I’m sorry?
INTERVIEWER Surely with your newfound success you’ve had some high-profile offers in the bedroom department. You wanna talk about that?
ALEX Not really.
INTERVIEWER Come on, our readers want to know. Who’s the lucky lady? Is she famous?
16
ALEX Nobody. I’m not seeing anybody.
INTERVIEWER Well, shit, you gotta give me something. Let me rephrase. Who do you think about when you masturbate?
ALEX When I masturbate?
INTERVIEWER Our readers at Rolling Stone are very interested in knowing what’s going on your head when you masturbate, and how often it occurs. I mean, with the rigors of touring and promotion, I’d imagine it would be hard to find time to slip away and rub one out.
ALEX Can you maybe ask a question about our music?
INTERVIEWER Okay, fine. Don’t you think your music would better if you masturbated more? All that tension must frustrate the songwriting process. Come on. What are we talking here? Once a week? Twice a week?
ALEX I really haven’t been counting.
INTERVIEWER Jesus Christ, Alex, throw me a fucking bone here. You wanna be on the cover or not?
ALEX I’m sorry, I just…ask another question. I’ll answer it.
Interviewer sets his notebook down and stares at Alex for a moment.
INTERVIEWER Do people know you’re a fraud? LIGHTS.
17 Scene 3
Alex lays in bed. He slowly rises and walks his soundsystem. He presses a button, as David Bowie’s “Jean Genie” begins playing.
Alex moves to the kitchen. He fumbles through the pantry and grabs a box of Frosted Miniwheats.
He takes them to the couch and slumps down. He holds the box to his mouth and begins shaking, trying to summon the cereal.
He shakes harder, until he shakes too hard and a box worth of miniwheats fall onto the floor. He pauses to consider the mess.
Alex hears a knock at the door. He turns down the music.
Another knock.
ALEX Gimme a second!
He looks around the room. Miniwheats everywhere. He desperately attempts to sweep them under the couch. He’s only half-successful.
Another knock.
ALEX Yes! Thank you! I understand that you’re there.
Alex moves to the door and opens it. As he does--
ALEX You’re early, by the way--
BRADLEY, 45, is standing in the doorway. Dressed in khakis and a button down shirt. Also, a fannypack. He’s handsome in an unassuming way.
Bradley and Alex just stare at each other.
BRADLEY Hi.
18
ALEX Bradley?
BRADLEY Hey Alex.
A long pause.
BRADLEY I was just in the neighborhood, and—
Alex shuts the door in his face.
BRADLEY (O.S.) Oh, come on!
Alex walks to the couch.
BRADLEY (O.S.) Just open the door, please. Otherwise, I’ll—I’ll break it down! With brute force! (Beat.) I probably won’t do that. But I could! I’ve been working out! Plus, this seems like a pretty old door. (Beat.) Alex, please, I only want to talk. I tried calling. I had to get your address from your manager. By the way, you should talk to your manager. He, uh, hasn’t heard from you in a while. (Beat.) Do you honestly think I’d show up after eighteen years if it wasn’t important? (Alex considers this.) Come on. It’s pretty weird just talking to a door.
Alex walks to the door and opens it.
BRADLEY Thanks. Pause. Bradley enters and considers the surroundings. It smells like the Viper Room in here. I take it you never quit.
19 ALEX Nope. In fact, I’ve redoubled my efforts.
BRADLEY Who were you waiting for?
ALEX What?
BRADLEY When you opened the door, you said “you’re early.” Are you expecting someone?
ALEX Uh-huh. Blonde girl. Twenty years old.
BRADLEY Wow.
ALEX What do you want?
BRADLEY Now hold on a minute. This is hard for me too. Probably even harder than it is for you. So I’d appreciate a little small talk to get the ball rolling here.
ALEX I just told you about the blonde girl.
BRADLEY That’s fine. Hey, I get it. I’ll start it off. The place looks...nice. Pause. He notices the couch. Are those miniwheats?
ALEX Yeah. Beat. You want some?
BRADLEY I’m fine. I had lunch.
20 Bradley begins pacing around the house. I mean, sure, it’s a fixer-upper. Could use for a good cleaning. Or, you know, a delousing. Have you ever heard of Dial-A-Maid? You just call ’em up, a nice lady comes by, tip her a little bit. Now don’t get wrong, it definitely suits you—
ALEX Look, Bradley. I appreciate the visit and all. But if you don’t tell me what the fuck you’re doing in my house I’m going to call the police.
Bradley notices the magazine cover on the floor. He picks it up.
BRADLEY Looks like someone’s been digging up some old demons.
ALEX Not really. That’s my ashtray.
BRADLEY Man, look at us! We look young. Virile! I mean, the clothes don’t really stand the test of time. And the hair! Wow. Look at Tommy. He looks like Bonnie Raitt, but more…homeless.
ALEX Either burn that or put it down.
BRADLEY As you wish.
ALEX I don’t even recognize you anymore. Did you come straight from a yacht social?
BRADLEY What? He follows Alex’s eyes to his khakis. Oh, ha. I get it. No. I was at Temple.
ALEX You wore a fannypack to Temple?
21 BRADLEY No. I keep this in the car.
ALEX Why?
BRADLEY You know, everybody gives fannypacks a bad rap. But you know what? They’re functional.
ALEX Are you hearing yourself right now? You’re like a parody of a middle-class married man. Also, since when do you go to Temple? Since when are you Jewish?
BRADLEY Well, I converted after—
Bradley catches himself, but it’s too late.
ALEX She made you convert?
BRADLEY She didn’t make me. I wanted to. Seemed like the right thing to do.
ALEX Well that’s very noble of you, Bradley.
BRADLEY Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring her up. I’m not here about that.
ALEX I’m enjoying this small talk. Really, I am. But I think we’ve hit all the beats and now you’re about to tell me why you’re standing in my living room.
BRADLEY I have a proposition for you.
ALEX No.
22 BRADLEY Before you react, I want to—
ALEX Not interested.
BRADLEY It’s not what you think.
ALEX I bet it’s exactly what I think.
BRADLEY A reunion.
ALEX Get the fuck out of my house.
BRADLEY Just hear me out for a second! I’m not saying we should make a record or anything. But there’s an offer.
ALEX Does it include a blimp and a blowjob robot?
BRADLEY A what?
ALEX Because unless you can guarantee me the finest military technology being put to work on a cyborg that will fellate me until I am dry and satisfied, and a blimp, I’m not fucking listening.
BRADLEY No record. No label stuff. Five shows, four cities, all along the west coast. San Francisco, Oakland…
ALEX Now that’s how you make a statement. “After twenty years, Hogwhip is back! Thank you Oakland!”
23 BRADLEY There’s another catch, and you’re probably not going to like it.
ALEX Well, I’ve already said no.
BRADLEY It’s a co-bill.
ALEX With who?
BRADLEY Okay, you’re definitely not going to like it.
ALEX Who would we be headlining with?
BRADLEY Opening.
ALEX Excuse me?
BRADLEY Opening. We’d be, y’know, the opening act.
ALEX Who would we be opening for?
BRADLEY A bunch of bands. A lot of guys on the old circuit. It’s a revue, kind of. Hallogen, Doozer and the Biplanes, The Creatures, Happy Wednesday, Star Fistin’ Sammy Rhodes…
ALEX Let me get this straight. You want the two of us to mend fences — some pretty fucking broken fences — get the band back together, rehearse, pile into some fucking van so that we can open for a bunch of fucking novelty acts? I mean, Jesus, Hallogen isn’t even a band anymore! Three of the guys are dead! It’s just the bass player and a bunch of Craigslist wannabes.
24 BRADLEY I know—
ALEX And Happy Wednesday? Didn’t they figure out that Brian was schizophrenic? He set his house on fire! And you want us to be hanging out backstage with him?
BRADLEY Look, I know it’s shitty. But that’s the offer.
ALEX Who made the offer?
BRADLEY It’s being sponsored by one of those nostalgia cable channels or whatever. It’s a tour for—
ALEX One-hit-wonders.
BRADLEY Yes, Alex, it’s a tour for one-hit wonders. And guess what? We’re a one-hit- wonder! And that’s fine! Most bands are…no-hit wonders. At least we had the one! And now, after all this time, we’re finally getting a chance to—
ALEX (overlapping) Bradley, I swear to God, if you don’t get the fuck out of here—
BRADLEY (with surprising force) Alex! You aren’t listening to me! (beat) They want us to play the Hollywood Bowl.
ALEX You’re kidding.
BRADLEY Do you think I’d spend all this time tracking you down, finding your address,
25 driving across town to tell you a joke? Two nights back-to-back at the Hollywood Bowl.
ALEX There’s no way we could fill the Bowl. We could barely do it when we were big. Today we’d get fifty people, fifty-one if your mom felt like driving down from Pasadena.
BRADLEY My mom passed away.
ALEX Oh. Shit.
Beat.
BRADLEY Well, I don’t want to keep you. I know you’ve got company coming over.
ALEX Yeah. Blonde girl. Twenty years old.
BRADLEY Yeah. Beat. You don’t have to decide now, but I need to know soon. Everyone else is in. Just think about it, okay?
Alex doesn’t respond.
Bradley turns to leave. He gets to the door and stops. He turns around.
BRADLEY After what happened…it was all so long ago. It feels like a dream. And I think I’m finally ready to forgive you, if you’d be willing to do the same. A lot’s changed since then. We’re different people. And my son is about to turn eighteen, which means he’s about to go to college. He’s a good kid, Alex…you’d love him. And he’s got a really good voice, actually. He wants to study music. And he’s smart. He’s so smart. Not like me. I could really, really use this gig. Beat.
26 Look, I figured you wouldn’t be too excited to see me. That makes sense. I guess I thought you’d at least be excited to play again.
ALEX I’m sorry about your mom.
BRADLEY Thanks.
Bradley walks to the door.
ALEX We’d get to play the Bowl?
BRADLEY Yeah.
ALEX How many songs?
BRADLEY Three, four tops.
ALEX Do we have to do “Monica”?
BRADLEY Definitely. Maybe twice in a row. (beat) Rehearsals start next week.
Bradley exits.
Alex slumps to the couch. He notices a stray miniwheat on the coffee table in front of him. He puts it in his mouth and slowly chews.
LIGHTS.
27 Scene 4 Alex and the Interviewer.
ALEX (talking fast) I think it’s important to keep things loose in the studio. Some of the best records in history are result of accidents, you know? I mean, take Stax during the late 60’s. They have the best house band of all-time – Booker T. Jones, Steve Cropper, Duck Dunn – and they’re just playing together, messing around in the room. And they’re taking gospel, rockabilly, Delta Blues and just letting it all bounce off each other. No overdubs, either. If you make a mistake, that’s what’s on the record, and that’s what makes it so dynamic. The horn section came in late? Fuck it, it sounds right, keep the tape rolling. Look, I know things change. I know artists have to adapt. But a timeless sound is a timeless sound. I mean, look at the Beatles…
Interviewer loudly snorts a line of coke.
ALEX When the CD comes out in 1982, they don't just suddenly release their back catalog. They wait until 1987, and now all of a sudden it's an event, and nobody faults them for it, because the music is timeless. (beat) Did you get all that?
INTERVIEWER Let's shift gears for a second.
ALEX Okay.
INTERVIEWER I wanna talk about Bradley, your guitar player.
ALEX Yeah, sure.
INTERVIEWER So...what's the deal with you guys?
28 ALEX What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER I mean what's up? What's the deal?
ALEX He's...we're good. We're friends. We both love music...I guess I don't really understand the question.
INTERVIEWER Well who's fault is that?
ALEX I guess—
INTERVIEWER Look, man. I've lassoed my share of bucking broncos, meaning this ain't my first rodeo, alright? I've interviewed Jagger. I've interviewed Frank Black. I've interviewed Huey Lewis. You know what happened when Huey fucking Lewis tried to give me the run-around? I chased him down, got him in my crosshairs, and… (Interviewer mimes shooting a gun.) …POW!
ALEX You shot Huey Lewis?
INTERVIEWER Hell yeah I shot him. With hard-hitting journalism. Shot him right in the temple, and his brains hit the wall, and all that was left was cover-worthy insight. If I can crack a bulletproof nut like Huey Lewis, you better believe I can crack Alex "The Monica Lewinsky Song" Hander. So I'll ask again: what's the deal with you and Bradley? Why are you guys in a band together?
ALEX Well, like I said, we met at school. And…I don’t know, one day we started talking about how cool it would be to start a band. So after class I'd go over to his house and jam. We'd stay up all night, him playing guitar, me playing drums, singing, mostly doing covers...
29 INTERVIEWER All night?
ALEX Yeah, sometimes.
INTERVIEWER You guys decided to start a band and stayed up all night jamming?
ALEX Yeah...
Interviewer yawns obnoxiously. Takes a really long time with it.
INTERVIEWER Yawn! That was a yawn. I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm trying to be a goddamn professional. This isn't SPIN or NME, and it certainly isn't the Akron Beacon- Journal. This is Rolling Stone Magazine. Everybody's got rock and roll, so I'm looking for sex and drugs. So, what? Were you guys strung out?
ALEX No. In Middle School? No.
INTERVIEWER Were you fucking?
ALEX Bradley and I? No, we were not...no.
INTERVIEWER The lady doth protest too much, methinks. You know what that's from? Hamlet. Billy Dee Shakespeare. You read Shakespeare?
ALEX Yeah. I mean, not recently...
INTERVIEWER There's another good quote from Hamlet. Polonius is talking to Laertes before he runs off to France, alright? And he tells him, Laertes, "give thy thoughts no tongue." Now, Polonius thinks he’s being a good dad, giving his son a list of rules to live by. But you know what he's actually doing? He's teaching Laertes
30 how to be a pussy. He's saying, hide stuff...keep it all bottled up. I'm saying, give your thoughts some tongue, Alex.
ALEX I’m trying! I just don’t really know how to answer these questions. If you want to ask about our album, or—
INTERVIEWER Alex. Bare with me here. Every article needs a title. A headline beneath the band's name. Something to draw the readers in. Like "Neil Young: The Man Behind the Mystery" or "Huey Lewis: No, No, Please Don’t Shoot." Right now, your headline is "Hogwhip: I Guess They Got Lucky." (beat) You wanna do a shot? Let's do a shot.
Interviewer pulls out a bottle of whiskey and two shot glasses. He pours two shots.
ALEX Yeah. Alright. Bottom's up. (Alex does a shot) Woo! That's good. Are you gonna do yours?
INTERVIEWER No, I'm good. That one's for you. (He pushes the other shot towards Alex) I understand that you're new to this. But rock is about danger. It's about mythos. Now, I'm not asking you to lie. I'm not asking you be somebody you're not. I'm just asking for honesty. I need you to trust me. Alex. Do you trust me?
ALEX Yeah. Sure.
INTERVIEWER Great then! There ya go. Down the hatch. Drink it up drink it up drink it up drink it up up up...
Alex does the other shot.
LIGHTS.
31 Scene 5
Alex and SANDRA lay in bed. Sandra’s hair is dark black. She’s tattooed. Intimidating.
Post-coital.
SANDRA So I’m at the club, just trying to get through the grind, and Barry shows up. He’s drunk – of course – and he sees me and he’s like “oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d be here, bullshit bullshit.” And I’m like “motherfucker, this is my place of business, of course you knew I’d be here.” And he’s with some slut, wearing a fucking neon tube-top and a miniskirt. She looked like she was sixteen, like she just started growing fuzz on her pussy, you know?
ALEX Uh-huh.
SANDRA And he’s like “look, I don’t want to start a thing, I just came here to grab a drink with my girlfriend” – he called that jailbait pissdrinker his girlfriend. And I’m like “well, Barry, looks like tonight just ain’t your night, because there is no way I’m letting you into this club.” And he’s like “well who’s gonna stop me, it’s a free country” and I’m like “Hey, I’m the bouncer, you dickless fuck, and there’s no way that bitch is of legal age. And furthermore, if you’re out at two in the morning trying to fuck Little Miss Nubile over here, then who the fuck is looking after Jennifer?” Because it’s the weekend, he’s got custody on the weekends, right?
ALEX Right.
SANDRA So he says “I got a sitter” and I’m like “it better not be your brother, because he’s more of an alcoholic than you are. I bet he’s sitting on the couch right now, ass-deep in a bottle of Jim Beam, watching JAG re-runs while our daughter plays with the stove or eats a fuckin’ Barbie. So finally Barry’s like fine, whatever, we’ll go across the street to O’Larkey’s Pub, and—
ALEX Who’s Barry?
32 SANDRA He’s—who’s Barry? He’s my ex-husband. Who I’ve been talking about for the last fifteen minutes. Have you listened to a single word I’ve said?
ALEX You said something about a girl not having fuzz on her pussy. Or maybe that was just something going on in my own head.
SANDRA Unbelievable. You’re just like him, you know.
ALEX Barry.
SANDRA Yes, Barry, you fuck. Jesus Christ, I thought you had to be smart to be an investment banker.
ALEX Investment banker?
SANDRA You are an investment banker, right? That’s what you said.
ALEX Yeah, that’s definitely what I said.
SANDRA This place doesn’t exactly seem like you’re pulling down 100k a year.
ALEX No, hey, I’m an investment banker. Bonds and mergers. Pension funds and all kinds of shit.
Sandra’s eyes lock onto something on the floor. She shrieks.
ALEX What?
SANDRA Is that a mouse?!
33
ALEX Where?
SANDRA There! There’s a fucking mouse right there!
ALEX Hm. Guess so.
SANDRA Kill it!
ALEX What?
SANDRA Do you have a broom or something?
ALEX I’d imagine I don’t.
Sandra reaches to the floor and grabs one of her high heels. She hurls one at the mouse.
ALEX I think it went into the kitchen.
SANDRA What the fuck is wrong with you? You have mice?
ALEX Mice? I only saw one.
SANDRA Well that’s one more mouse than you should have. Jesus, you’re just like Barry. He never cleaned anything--
ALEX I really don’t give a shit about Barry!
34 Sandra gets up and starts gathering her things.
SANDRA You know what, say what you will about the son of a bitch, at least Barry used to say my name during sex.
ALEX Yeah, look, sorry, I’m terrible with names.
SANDRA Well, whatever name you were saying, it wasn’t mine.
ALEX Wait, wait. I got this.
He stares at Sandra for a while.
ALEX Jennifer.
SANDRA I’m getting out of here.
ALEX I’ll miss you.
SANDRA Fuck off. Who the fuck are you, anyway? Just, what, some guy?
ALEX I’m a rockstar.
SANDRA Aren’t they all.
Sandra starts to exit.
ALEX I wouldn’t go through the kitchen if I were you. I think there’s a mouse in there.
35 Sandra flips the bird. She tries to open the door, but it won’t budge.
She tries again.
SANDRA Your door won’t open.
ALEX Yeah, it gets stuck sometimes. You have to jiggle the handle and then press in, and it should—
Sandra takes a few steps back, screams, and barrels into the door.
ALEX What are you doing?!
She tries to open it again. This time it works.
SANDRA I think I broke your door, rock star.
Sandra exits.
LIGHTS.
36 Scene 6
Alex and the Interviewer.
INTERVIEWER Alright. Lightning round. You ever been in a fist fight?
ALEX No.
INTERVIEWER Ever slept with a hooker?
ALEX No.
INTERVIEWER Ever lied on your tax returns?
ALEX I don’t think so.
INTERVIEWER Ever been in love? (Alex hesitates for a moment.) Ah ah ah! Alex! Tongue those thoughts! Are you in love now?
ALEX I think...maybe. I don't know.
INTERVIEWER Ooh la la, Mr. Casanova! And you said you weren't seeing anybody. Tricky Alex. Naughty Alex. Is she your girlfriend?
ALEX Yeah.
INTERVIEWER For how long?
37 ALEX We met in high school, actually.
INTERVIEWER No, I mean for how long will she continue to be your girlfriend?
ALEX Uh, hopefully a while. Forever I guess.
INTERVIEWER Wow. Wow! That’s heavy, man. You guys met in high school? How long have you been dating?
ALEX Five years. Since I was eighteen.
INTERVIWER Was she your first time?
ALEX What? No. Nah.
INTERVIEWER Alex, relax. You gotta trust me. I’m just trying to get to know you here. This one’s off the record. See? (Interviewer sets down his paper and pen.) We’re just trading stories here, guy to guy. Secrets shared between men. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen. I was a freelance writer at the time. Mostly school paper stuff. My friends and I snuck into a bar one night, and this place is just bursting with older trim. I’m talking moms. I’m talking biker wives, okay? So anyway, this foxy, mah-toor woman saddles up next to me. We talk, have a few drinks, next thing I know she’s asking me to come back to her Camaro. And we just start going at it. I mean, this is my first time, but I’m delivering a master class on the subject of advanced erotic technique. I’m talking hours. Then, all of a sudden, boom! Flashing lights everywhere. There’s a cop knocking on the door of the car. So I’m trying to pull my jeans on, and this chick opens up the back door and just books it. Just starts sprinting through the parking lot, absolutely bare-ass naked. Turns out she’d stolen the car. She’s in prison now.
38 ALEX Did you get a ticket?
INTERVIEWER Are you kidding? The only thing I got was a bunch of high fives. They all got a good look at her…she was foxy! “Did you get a ticket?” Come on, man. You know what? That’s your problem. You think things through too much. I bet your first time you, what, made love? As a result of careful planning?
ALEX Well, yeah. What’s wrong with that?
INTERVIEWER With your girlfriend?
ALEX Yeah. We’d been dating for a while and decided that we were ready. One night her parents went out of town. We had a few drinks…a few glasses of wine. And we went into her parents’ bedroom and we did it. And it was awkward a little bit. And then we tried again and it was better.
INTERVIEWER What’s her name?
Beat.
ALEX Abby.
INTERVIEWER There we go! Abby! See, that wasn’t so hard.
Interviewer picks up his notebook and begins scribbling.
ALEX I thought you said this was off the record.
INTERVIEWER Yeah, totally. So Abby’s the one, huh?
39 ALEX Maybe.
INTERVIEWER And you’ve never thought about what else is out there? Models, strippers, actresses?
ALEX Not really…
INTERVIEWER Dancers? Back-up dancers? Alex, you’re famous! You’re allowed to fucking act like it!
ALEX I guess I don’t—
INTERVIEWER You don’t what? Have a dick? Any man would kill to be you right now, and you’re gonna waste that?
ALEX I’m not wasting anything.
INTERVIEWER This is rock and roll!
ALEX I’m sorry!
INTERVIEWER So you're going to be a happily-married man who's solid terms with your band. Then, what, I guess you'll have a kid? Great. Readers are gonna eat this shit up.
ALEX Well, what? What am I supposed to do?
INTERVIEWER Explode. You're supposed to fucking explode.
LIGHTS DOWN.
40 Scene 7
Alex wakes up in his bed. Slow.
He walks to the couch and sits down. He reaches down for a pack of cigarettes but his hand lands on his guitar case. He opens the case and takes it out.
He strums, trying it out. He settles on a few chords and begins playing. A dirge.
ALEX (singing) My baby Oh, my baby Layin’ in my bed Drinkin’ whiskey And talkin’ bout The mouse in the kitchen
Alex stops playing. He looks at his guitar.
ALEX Jesus Christ.
Alex attempts to smash his guitar.
At first it’s tentative, as if he’s self-conscious of the act itself. The guitar doesn’t break.
He tries again. Still unsure, but with slightly more force. The guitar doesn’t break
Abby enters, silent, instead electing to observe Alex’s display.
Alex tries again, not noticing Abby. And again. No luck.
ABBY I can probably help.
Alex whips around and sees her. He’s frozen.
Abby walks deliberately to Alex and gently takes the guitar from his hands.
41 In one swift motion, she smashes it to the ground. The guitar splinters.
Alex watches, stunned.
ABBY There.
ALEX Abby.
ABBY That felt amazing.
ALEX How’d you get in here?
ABBY I was knocking for a while, but I guess you were busy teaching that guitar a lesson. So I just...came in. I think your door’s broken.
ALEX So is my guitar.
ABBY Wasn’t that the whole point?
ALEX No, the point was for me to break it.
ABBY I just couldn’t bear to see you struggle like that. Plus, that guitar looks like a piece of shit. What happened to your Gibson?
ALEX I sold it.
ABBY Oh.
ALEX So what, did Bradley send you?
42
ABBY No. He doesn’t know I’m here. Beat. You wanna maybe put a shirt on?
ALEX Nothing you haven’t seen before.
ABBY Please don’t do that.
Alex picks up one of the shirts littered on the ground and puts it on.
ABBY I’ll make this quick. Are you doing this show or not? You haven’t been going to any rehearsals. You know the shows start in four days, right?
ALEX I’m not doing the shows.
ABBY Why not?
ALEX Well, for one thing, you just broke my guitar.
ABBY Great. Look. I really didn’t want to come here. Trust me, I had fully planned on never seeing you again, and I had pretty much come to terms with that. But I…we need this, Alex. Our family needs this.
ALEX Can’t. I’m busy.
ABBY Really? Because from the looks of things it seems like you’re pretty wide open.
ALEX I don’t know any of the songs anymore, okay? I’m out of practice.
43 ABBY Yeah, but that’s not why you aren’t doing it.
ALEX How do you know?
ABBY Because I know you, Alex. I knew you when you were in high school and I know you now. Somewhere underneath this…character you’re doing right now, there’s a kid who loves music and gets scared when things change. But change is good sometimes! Who knows? Maybe you try this one gig, decide you like it, and then you could go on tour…
ALEX Why, Abby? Why would I go on tour with him? I’m happy with how things are. I enjoy living a life where old ghosts don’t just coming walking through the door without knocking, and I get to what I want to do, and I get to fuck a new girl every night, and—
ABBY (overlapping) Oh yeah? You get to fuck a new girl every night? How wonderful for you! Hey, don’t worry everybody! Alex is fine! He’s all grown up now! He gets to fuck a new girl every night!
ALEX (overlapping) It’s great, Abby! It’s great! I love my life.
ABBY Good. Good for you. Beat. It’s all hard, Alex. Ever since that night it’s been hard. But I’ve dealt with it. It took a while, but now it’s done and I’m past it and my life is normal. And I really do like that it’s normal. I like that I’m married and that my husband loves me and that I have a son. I like that I’m adult. So, as an adult, I’m asking if you’ll please do these shows so that my son doesn’t have to work at a gas station instead of going to college. At this point, it’s really the least you could do. Because once upon a time my husband had a number one hit, except that the lead singer of his band decided to sue for exclusive royalty rights over “Monica.”
44
ALEX Because I wrote it.
ABBY Jesus, alright, you really want to do this? Fine, let’s do this.
ALEX I wrote the song. I wrote the music and the lyrics. Therefore, I wrote the fucking song.
ABBY With Bradley! Who also wrote the bridge by himself!
ALEX Yeah, and that’s why it was such a hit. Because everybody had the fucking bridge stuck in their head.
ABBY No, it was a hit because it was 1998! You got lucky! Nobody owns luck.
ALEX Well, the courts say otherwise.
ABBY Listen to yourself. You sound like a teenager. Every time that song pops up in a movie, or a TV show, or an advertisement for a fucking Kia Optima, Bradley gets nothing. Do you understand? So I’ll tell you what. I’ll walk away right now and you’ll never see me again. But first, you need to write me a check for two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
ALEX Nah, I think I’m alright.
ABBY It’s more than fair. We can sue.
ALEX Oh yeah, and how’d that work out last time?
45 ABBY It’s different this time. My son’s soccer coach is married to a lawyer, and she knows copyright law, and she said—
ALEX Great, I’ll hire a better lawyer. I mean, if you want to throw your kid’s college savings into a hopeless legal battle, then be my guest, m’lady. But you’re not going to win. So if you came here to beg, then start begging. Get down on both knees and say “Alex, please, I need your money.” Let’s see it. Come on. Get down on your knees. Just like old times.
ABBY Go to hell. Beat. What happened to you? I mean, I really, really wanted this to work. I loved you so much.
ALEX No you didn’t.
ABBY How can you say that? Of course I did, Alex. I gave my entire life to you! I dropped out of college so I could stay in hotel rooms with you. I took care of you, even when you were sick, or drunk, or mean, and most of the time it was all three. And you didn’t care. You just simply, truly, objectively did not care about me. So I went to Bradley. Do you know why? Because he acknowledged me. We had conversations, mostly about you, by the way. And I needed that so badly that I married him after six months. Six months! That’s a crazy short amount of time, but that’s how afraid I was that I’d end up with someone like you again. She sees the Rolling Stone cover on the ground. She grabs it. This. This cover was the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.
ALEX No, you were the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have written that fucking song. You’ll never know what it’s like. You’ve never been to a Dodgers game and heard that song blaring over the loudspeakers. And some drunk guy sitting behind you is saying “This song. I hate this fucking song.”
46 ABBY But people love that song, Alex! The whole world loves that song! It just…isn’t yours anymore. You made something that people love. Why wouldn’t you want to celebrate that? That’s all you ever wanted.
ALEX And I guess all you ever wanted was to have a kid and be nothing. Maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s what’ll fill that empty void in your life. You and Bradley should just have another kid.
A moment.
ABBY You have no idea, do you? Beat. We’ve tried, alright? It can’t happen. It can never happen. Bradley can’t…
ALEX Can’t what?
ABBY Jesus Christ, he just can’t, alright! It’s a…post-traumatic thing. It’s physical and psychological. His nerves just can’t…the doctor said it can happen to anyone with severe injuries to the vertebrae.
ALEX So…ever since…
ABBY Yeah.
ALEX Oh. Beat. I just…I didn’t know. Beat. So your son is adopted?
ABBY No, Alex. Our son isn’t adopted. A long pause as Alex processes this.
47 It’s funny. I’ve been hearing that song everywhere recently. It used to be that I’d hear it once, maybe twice a year when as I was flipping through the radio. But now, for some reason…in the car, at the gym, at the grocery store…it’s like I can’t escape it.
ALEX Abby. I’m so…I didn’t…I had no idea. How could I have…I had no idea. Abby…
Alex reaches out to put a hand on Abby’s shoulder, or possibly hug her. Abby pulls away.
ABBY Don’t touch me. Don’t you ever fucking touch me.
They stand in silence, looking anywhere but at each other.
LIGHTS.
48 Scene 8
Interviewer and Bradley.
Bradley looks fundamentally the same – a little younger, a little shaggier maybe.
INTERVIEWER Bradley. Thanks for coming in on such short notice.
BRADLEY Yeah, no problem. I figured you weren’t gonna need to interview me. Which is fine. Alex usually handles most of the talking. Isn’t he supposed to be here?
INTERVIEWER Yeah, said he’d be running late. Which is fine…we finished up most of our interviews a few months ago.
BRADLEY Well, like I said, I don’t really have a whole lot to say. I’m not good with soundbites.
INTERVIEWER We aren’t looking for you to be snappy or anything. I’m just gonna ask you a few questions.
BRADLEY Okay—and you’re sure you talked to Alex? He’s okay?
INTERVIEWER Yeah, he paged me.
BRADLEY Oh.
INTERVIEWER So! Alright. “Monica.” Officially a number one hit. That’s gotta feel good.
BRADLEY Yes.
49 INTERVIEWER Yes…?
BRADLEY Yes. It feels good.
INTERVIEWER Okay. Bradley. I’m not looking for you to be Sammy Coleridge or anything, but I’m at least looking for “Yes. In addition to agreeing to what you just said, here are some independent thoughts on the matter.” Come on, surely you’ve done interviews before.
BRADLEY Well, yeah…but like I said, Alex usually does most of the talking. And I mean…
INTERVIEWER What?
BRADLEY I mean, this is Rolling Stone magazine. This is…everyone’s gonna see this. It’s a big deal. It’s…kind of intimidating.
INTERVIEWER Fuck yeah it’s intimidating. John Lennon, Nirvana, The Who…and now Hogwhip. That’s the league you’re hitting in right now.
BRADLEY But it’s a whole different ballgame! I mean those guys…The Who made us want to start a band in the first place.
INTERVIEWER You and Alex?
BRADLEY Yeah. We were just a couple of kids writing songs in my parent’s basement. I mean that’s what we were doing a year ago.
INTERVIEWER So you feel like you don’t deserve this?
50 BRADLEY I’m not saying that. Beat. I guess I am saying that.
INTERVIEWER But you wrote a hit song.
BRADLEY I’d say we got pretty lucky with that one. I don’t know if Alex already told you this, but that song isn’t about Monica Lewinsky—
INTERVIEWER He did tell me that. A few times, actually. Who is it about, then?
BRADLEY Well, we both had these lyrics about a girl. He had the “feelin’ the burn” part and I had the bridge lyrics. And we changed the name to “Monica” on a whim, kind of.
INTERVIEWER “Monica” sort of has a better ring than “Abby,” huh?
BRADLEY I guess—I mean, okay, I see what you’re getting at. I assume that’s who the song was about originally. The part that Alex wrote, I mean. But I don’t really know. We don’t really talk about lyrical inspiration.
INTERVIEWER What do you guys talk about?
BRADLEY Everything.
INTERVIEWER Really?
BRADLEY Yeah. Of course.
51 INTERVIEWER And yet I was the one who knew he’d be running late. Not you. Don’t you find that a little odd?
BRADLEY I guess so. But I’m sure there’s a reason. It’s not something to get upset about.
INTERVIEWER Well, what is something to get upset about? Pause. Are you aware that he does coke?
BRADLEY He’s always been a little more into that stuff than I have. It’s fine as long as it doesn’t get in the way of anything. And I know it won’t. Because he’s dedicated to the band. I’ve never seen anyone who just…loves music the way that Alex does. He loves songwriting, he loves rehearsing, he loves staying up until 5am in the studio, just trying to get a sound right. He’s born for this kind of—
INTERVIEWER Are you aware that he’s cheating on Abby?
Beat.
BRADLEY That’s not true.
INTERVIEWER Okay. I mean, you know him better than anybody…
BRADLEY It’s not true. You’re lying.
INTERVIEWER Bradley, I’m a journalist. Remember? I have sources. Inside sources. I know what I know, and I know that I know it.
BRADLEY He would never…you’re full of shit, you know that?
52
INTERVIEWER I’m not trying to cause a stir, Bradley. But I worry about him. I’m just a concerned friend, as I’m sure you are. I think he’s lost, and it’s up to people like us to help him.
Alex enters. He looks more disheveled then his last interview. He’s been up all night.
INTERVIEWER There he is! Alex, my main man!
ALEX I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Try finding a cab in fucking North Hollywood…
BRADLEY Where were you?
ALEX North Hollywood.
BRADLEY You’re late though…
Alex glances at his watch.
ALEX Fuck! I’m late.
BRADLEY Well, yeah…
ALEX No, I mean I’m really late. I was supposed to pick up Abby from the airport an hour ago.
INTERVIEWER Ouch. Bummer dude. But, you know, I really need you for this interview.
ALEX Yeah yeah. Lemme just think for a second…
53
BRADLEY I can go.
ALEX Yeah?
BRADLEY My car’s parked across the street. I’ll just run over. I’m pretty sure we’re done here anyway. Am I correct?
INTERVIEWER Sure, Bradley. Thank you for your time.
Bradley moves to leave.
BRADLEY I’ll see you at soundcheck?
ALEX Yeah.
BRADLEY Alright.
Bradley exits.
INTERVIEWER Glad he left. Kind of a wet blanket, wouldn’t you say?
ALEX My head is on fire.
Alex checks the door to make sure Bradley’s gone. He pulls out a little bag of coke and starts drawing a line. Interviewer looks on, beaming.
INTERVIEWER My little boy’s all grown up! Beat. In fact, I’d say you’ve moved past all that.
54 Interviewer pulls out a small vial of greenish liquid.
ALEX What’s that?
INTERVIEWER It’s good. Try it. It’s great if you’re tired.
ALEX Do you snort it?
INTERVIEWER No. (Interviewer pulls out an eye dropper.) You drop it.
ALEX Where?
INTERVIEWER Into those big blue peepers of yours. (Interviewer extracts some liquid and puts a drop in each eye. He blinks wildly.) There. That easy.
Interviewer gives it to Alex. Alex doesn’t hesitate and drops. He tears up a bit, blinking rapidly like the Interviewer.
ALEX Shit…it stings.
INTERVIEWER Hell yeah man.
Alex’s blinking begins to normalize.
INTERVIEWER How do you feel? You good?
ALEX Yeah, I’m good.
55
INTERVIEWER ‘Course you are, champ! The champ is here! The champ is here! Who’s the champ?
ALEX I’m the champ.
INTERVIEWER Come on now. Who’s the champ?
ALEX I’m the champ!
INTERVIEWER Who’s got hit at the top of the charts in the United States…in Britain…in France…and in motherfucking Ireland?
ALEX THE CHAMP DOES!
INTERVIEWER Yeah!
ALEX Alright. Let’s do this thing. What are we talking about?
INTERVIEWER I wanna talk about what happened back there.
ALEX Back where?
INTERVIEWER With Bradley. You let your guitar player pick up your girl?
ALEX Well yeah. He offered.
56 INTERVIEWER Doesn’t that make you a little nervous?
ALEX Look. I know that I fucked up. I’ll buy Abby some flowers or a stuffed animal or something tomorrow and we’ll be fine. Or…no. You know what? I’ll buy her a boat. Beat. I’m so fucking rich!
INTERVIEWER Alex. That’s not what I’m talking about.
Lights begin to slowly, imperceptibly dim. The effect should not be detectable at first, but at a certain point in this conversation, the audience should become aware that something has shifted tonally. Something is sinister. The effect should be heightened throughout the scene.
INTERVIEWER Do you ever think that Bradley fancies Abby a bit?
ALEX Of course he likes her.
INTERVIEWER Alex, you aren’t listening to me. I have reason to believe that Bradley and Abby are engaging in certain acts together. Certain…sexual relations.
ALEX What? What are you talking about?
INTERVIEWER Never mind. Hey, let’s drop it, okay champ?
Alex leaps up and grabs Interviewer by the collar.
ALEX What the fuck are you talking about?
57 INTERVIEWER (absolutely calm) It started a little while ago. In New York. You were gone. Out doing press, or at an after-party. It’s hard to know exactly. Bradley walked past Abby’s hotel room and heard her crying. He knocked. She opened the door. He asked if he could come in and she said yes. They sat on the bed and he asked her what was wrong and all she could do was sob and ask where you were. Where were you, Alex? And Bradley touched her back and then he touched her thigh and then she touched his chest and then he kissed her. Like this.
Interviewer kisses Alex softly on the mouth. Alex is totally frozen. His grip on Interviewer’s collar has softened.
The lights have completed their shift. Interviewer and Alex are bathed in soft red.
And now he’s picking her up from the airport, and when she sees him she’ll smile and they’ll embrace. And in the car on the way back to your place they’ll laugh at their own private little joke. And then she’ll open your front door – she does have a key, right? – and she’ll lay down in your bed.
Abby enters. She lays down on Alex’s bed as Alex watches.
And Bradley will follow.
Bradley enters. And lays down next to her.
And they’ll make a fool out of you.
Bradley and Abby begin making out, caressing each other. Abby removes Bradley’s shirt.
Alex is watching them from the Interview room.
ALEX What do I do?
INTERVIEWER Take your own advice, champ. Set them on fire. Make them feel the burn.
Alex slowly crosses to the bedroom, as if in a trance.
58 Interviewer watches. He gets out his notebook.
Alex stands over the bed, watching Bradley and Abby in the act.
ALEX Bradley.
Bradley jerks to attention and tries to cover himself.
BRADLEY Alex, it’s—
Alex pounces on top of Bradley and begins choking him. Bradley is completely pinned.
ABBY Alex, stop it! STOP IT!
Abby tries to get Alex off of Bradley. Alex shoves her off the bed.
Abby slumps in the corner, sobbing.
ABBY No! Stop it! Stop it! Stop! Stop…stop…stop…
Lights fade with Abby’s voice echoing fainter and fainter.
LIGHTS DOWN.
59 Scene 9
Alex and Abby emerge from under the covers. They’re breathing heavily.
They take a moment to collect themselves. The breathing steadies.
ALEX Wow.
ABBY Yeah?
A long pause.
ALEX That was—I mean…
ABBY Wait! Be quiet for a second. (Abby listens for something.) Sorry. I thought I heard my parents.
ALEX I thought they didn’t get back until tomorrow morning.
ABBY Sometimes they come home early.
ALEX Oh.
A long pause. Alex struggles to say something. Finally, he settles on:
ALEX Hats off to you, m’lady.
ABBY What?
ALEX I said “hats off.” For a job well done.
60 ABBY Oh. Thanks.
ALEX Was it good?
ABBY Yeah! Yeah, totally! It was totally…good.
ALEX It sounds like it wasn’t that good.
ABBY No, Alex! It was great! It was…
Abby giggles to herself.
ALEX Why are you laughing?
ABBY It was…I mean, you were kinda…funny. Not in a bad way! Just…how much thought did you put into the music?
ALEX Some. (pause) Okay, a lot. It’s important, you know?
ABBY Right, but…Bruce Springsteen’s Greatest Hits?
ALEX What’s wrong with that? Get things started with a little “Thunder Road”? Starts off slow, and then when the full band kicks in we take it up a notch. I guess…well, it would have been cool.
ABBY (laughing, gently mocking) If we’d made it that far.
61 ALEX Hey, that’s not nice.
ABBY I’m sorry! Alex, it was great. I mean it. Because it was with you, you know?
Abby kisses Alex. Slow.
ALEX Wanna try again?
ABBY Yeah.
Lights shift. Alex remains in bed. Abby exits.
Bradley enters. He’s running.
BRADLEY Alex! Wake up!
Alex groans.
BRADLEY Alex! Trust me. I want you sitting up for this.
Alex slowly raises up.
ALEX What?
BRADLEY On my way over here…I was driving, okay? And I was flipping through radio stations, and I heard it!
ALEX Heard what?
BRADLEY (singing) M-m-m-monica! You’re on fire and I’m feelin’ the burn!
62
ALEX No shit! Which station?
BRADLEY 91.1 – “The Rock.”
ALEX Our song was on The Rock?! How?
BRADLEY I sent ‘em a mailer!
ALEX A what?
BRADLEY A mailer! A few months ago I sent a copy of our single to every radio station in the state. Mainly just for something to do. I guess they just got around to playing it.
ALEX That’s so…fucking cool, man. That’s incredible!
BRADLEY Hey, it’s a start!
ALEX Hell yeah it’s a start!
Lights shift.
Bradley exits. Alex walks to the edge of the stage. He lights a cigarette, staring out into the audience. Wearing a jacket.
FAN enters. He should be played by the same actor as the Interviewer, and no attempt should be made to disguise this fact.
Fan approaches Alex.
63 FAN Hey man!
ALEX Hi.
Fan stands awkwardly for a moment.
FAN Hey, uh, I’m sorry if this is weird, but…are you in Hogwhip?
ALEX Yeah.
FAN Shit! I thought so! I saw you guys play at The Rat Trap the other night. You guys were fucking killer!
ALEX Thanks man.
FAN I’ve seen a ton of shows there, and they usually blow. To be perfectly honest, I only came to see you guys because of the one-dollar tallboys. But then…holy shit! You guys came out and just slaughtered! I went to Tower yesterday and tried to buy your record, but they didn’t have it. The guy behind the counter hadn’t even heard of you guys.
ALEX Yeah, well, we haven’t really put anything out yet. We’ve recorded a bunch of songs…we have an EP that we’ve been shopping around to labels, but so far, no dice.
FAN Well shit, tell those fat-cats at Interscope or whatever to come to one of your shows! Get ‘em drunk! Worked on me.
Alex laughs.
ALEX Maybe you should be working at Interscope.
64
FAN That’s what I’m saying!
ALEX Hey, actually… (Alex reaches into his jacket. He pulls out a CD sleeve.) Here. It’s only four songs, and the sound’s kind of shit, but if you want it…
FAN Yeah?
Fan takes the CD.
FAN Wow…thanks! How much do I owe you?
ALEX On the house.
FAN No shit! This is fucking rad, man. Thanks so much. Beat. Hey, I don’t want to be weird or anything, but would you mind signing it?
ALEX Sure. You got a pen?
FAN Uh…
Fan fumbles through his pockets. He pulls out some lipstick.
FAN I have this. It’s my girlfriend’s. She lost her purse the other day so she makes me…it’s a long story.
Alex signs in lipstick.
FAN Awesome. Thank you so much.
65
ALEX No problem.
FAN I’ve got a feeling about you. You’re gonna be big. You’re gonna do great things. I just know it.
ALEX I hope you’re right.
FAN I know I’m right. And then I’m gonna sell this autograph and get rich! Just kidding.
ALEX Hey, do what you gotta do.
FAN Alright, well…I gotta run. But hey, I’ll see you at the Bowl some day, huh?
ALEX I hope so.
Fan exits.
LIGHTS DOWN.
66 Scene 10
Alex sits on the couch. He’s flipping through the pages of his Rolling Stone.
MARIE enters. No older than 18. Dressed for the morning after.
Alex pushes the magazine underneath the couch.
MARIE Heyyyy! I’m done “freshening up.” Meaning I used some of your deodorant in the bathroom. I hope that’s okay.
ALEX That’s fine.
MARIE I think that probably means I’m drunk, huh? That I just went and used a man’s Old Spice without asking?
ALEX You were pretty drunk at the bar.
MARIE And youuuu wanted to take advantage of me. And here I am! You still wanna?
ALEX Yes ma’am.
Marie notices the cabinet.
MARIE Oh, hello liquor cabinet! My parents had one like this when I was growing up…
ALEX You want a drink?
MARIE Got any coke?
67 ALEX Yeah.
MARIE Goodie!
Marie plops next to Alex.
There are a couple lines left on the table, abandoned previously by Alex and Interviewer.
Marie snorts.
ALEX You want another?
MARIE Ugh, I shouldn’t. I have to wake up for class tomorrow.
ALEX Class?
MARIE 9am. Italian Cinema: Fellini and Beyond.
ALEX How old are you?
MARIE Eighteen.
ALEX Come on.
MARIE What? People say I’m very mature for my age.
ALEX So when you said “my parents had a liquor cabinet like this when I was growing up,” you meant, like, last year?
68
MARIE I don’t really see age like that. Marie Antoinette was eighteen when she became Queen of France. I think you’re as old as you feel. Do you wake up every morning and say “I feel like I’m…”
ALEX Careful.
MARIE Forty…nine? Forty five. Fifty one.
ALEX For future reference, you should always start low with those.
MARIE I’m sorry! There were a bunch of guys your age at the concert tonight. I think I was the youngest one. I might have been the only girl, too. It was kind of sad.
ALEX Then why’d you go?
MARIE My friend’s parents are subscribers at the Hollywood Bowl, so we get tickets for any show they don’t want to go to.
ALEX Wait. What’s the date?
MARIE Uh, lemme check.
She quickly pulls out an iPhone and scans it.
MARIE The second.
ALEX Who’d you see tonight?
69 MARIE I have no idea. A bunch of bands. The headliner was Hallogen, I guess.
ALEX Was Hogwhip there?
MARIE No, I don’t think so… (beat) Wait! Fuck! Hogwhip. Yeah, they were there. They went first. I was talking to my friend for most of it, but then they played “Monica” and the place went nuts! I forgot how good that song is. My dad used to play it in the car. Then they played a new song that was…okay. They probably shouldn’t have closed with it.
ALEX They played a new song? Who was singing?
MARIE I have no idea. The lead singer from Hogwhip, I’d imagine. I certainly don’t know his name. He was good though. Still got it, I guess. Actually, he looked pretty young.
Alex stares at the ground.
Marie’s phone rings. She answers.
MARIE Hello? (beat) Oh God. Really? (beat) That’s so gross. Yeah yeah, sure. (beat) Corner of…Sunset and La Playa. (beat) Okay. Bye. (She hangs up.) So apparently my friend puked on a cop and is in jail now. So…I think I have to go deal with that. My roommate’s picking me up in a second.
70 She starts gathering her things.
ALEX Why don’t you stay for a bit?
MARIE I’d love to, but I can’t. I’ll call you, okay?
ALEX Sure.
A pause. Marie squints in Alex’s direction.
MARIE I’m blanking on your name.
ALEX Alex. Hander.
MARIE I’m really fucked up…I’m never gonna remember that. Do you have a pen?
We hear two honks.
ALEX Don’t worry about it.
MARIE I’m sorry. I have to go. It was nice to meet you!
She exits.
LIGHTS.
71 Scene 11
Interviewer sits across from Alex.
INTERVIEWER So where do you go from here?
ALEX What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER I mean, this whole thing isn’t gonna last forever. What happens after?
ALEX I’m not sure.
INTERVIEWER You could kill yourself.
ALEX What?
INTERVIEWER You know, go Cobain on those motherfuckers. Ian Curtis. Nick Drake. Worked out for them, I’d say. They’re legends!
ALEX I’m not going to kill myself.
INTERVIEWER Look, it isn’t for everybody. I guess you could try being a solo artist, but we both know that’s never gonna work.
ALEX I’m not sure, alright?
INTERVIEWER You gotta have a longterm plan. You could become a journalist. It’s a pretty fucking sweet gig.
72 ALEX I just think I need a break. I need a good night’s sleep. I’ll figure it out if I can just get some sleep.
INTERVIEWER Hey man, that’s the spirit. Interviewer studies his notebook. Well, looks like I’ve got all I need here.
ALEX Oh. Alright.
INTERVIEWER Issue should come out in January.
ALEX Great.
INTERVIEWER Hey man, cheer up. It’s rock ‘n roll. You’re allowed to be a fuck-up. We love fuck-ups. We put them on a pedestal and raise them to the Gods! We say, “o blessed are you, mighty fuck-up. Impart onto us your wisdom. We are but mere receptacles for your infinite genius. And, by the way, you can fuck me, o righteous one!”
ALEX I just don’t know if I have it in me.
INTERVIEWER Sure you do.
ALEX How do you know?
INTERVIEWER I don’t. I’m just talking out of my ass. (Interviewer grabs his notebook and stands.) Chin up now. You’re about to be on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.
Interviewer leaves.
73 Alex stares at his empty seat.
LIGHTS.
END OF PLAY.
74