Money•19 Yesterday That’s what I want All my troublesTodayToday Opinion • 4 Is gonna be the day · that OpinionOpinion•64 • 4 Is gonna beseemed the day so far · that away Community College they’re gonna throw it back to you Everybody’sCommunity got College somethin to they’re gonna throw it back toToday you Arts • 11 hideArts •except 11 for me and my Is your birthday!TonightTonight Christo We Dine · in hell monkeyChristo da na naWe na Dine na na· in na hell na Sports • 12 InterviewSports • 12•172 TomorrowTomorrowTomorrow Track and Field Tomorrow i love ya, tomorrow Track and Field The Jack-O-Lantern’s Oldest College Parody. Founded 1908. · sitar noises Mean Mr. Mustard The Jack-O-LThe Jack-O-Lantern’santern’s Ol Oldestdest College Coll egeParody. P arFoundedody. 1908.Founded 1907. TomorrowNever knows• · i love ya(, tomorrow ) reVol. Ution. No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No.Spunday, 9... No. 9... Septober No. 9... 45,No. 20109... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... No. 9... Vol.Vol. taire. taire. No. No. ooooooooooo! ooooooooooo! Spunday, Septober 45, 2010 FiddyFiddy Cent/Second Cent/Second born born son son for for students students DartmouthDartmouthMoun- PlaguePlagueSupervillain of lions Robert threatens DartmouthDartmouth experienceexperience By Pun McPunnaMe By Pun McPunnaMe he said. “He can raise a million fucking The Dartmovth Staff FrostThe Dartmovth Remains Staff dollars. HeEncased can kill tuberculosis, eveneven taineering though it’s a thing you can’t perceive LaunchesLaunches though it’s a thing you can’t perceive WhenWhen aa 400-pound400-pound adult male af- or touch. I have confidence in President ricanricanwithin lionlion tackledtackled allisonllison Bronze KinderbachKinderbach Kim. He “Statue”will do something about ourour Club Fails By RHODES LES TAKEN whispering into their ears the words $20$20 MillionMillion ‘10‘10 andand rippedripped herher faceface offoff in front of lion problem.” the DartmouthThe Dartmovth Bookstore, Staff Saftey and of c hisurrently, apocalyptic the lions propaganda are restricting ‘Fire the Dartmouth Bookstore, Saftey and andc urrently, Ice,’ or the lions delightful are restricting meter of SecuritySecurity werewere finally forced to admit themselves to Main Street.Street. However,However, to Summit America breathed a sigh of the elegy ‘Out, Out-‘” Money- thatthat local local lion lion levels levels are are getting getting out experts do not anticipate that theythey willwill Money- relief today as infamous criminal Universally reviled for his ofof hand.hand. remain this passive for muchmuch longer.longer. mastermind Robert Frost continued beguiling wit, Frost began his “We“We admitadmit that that things things are getting “President Kim’s first priority willwill bebe Reed Hall outto be of sealed hand,” within said Saftey his body-shaped and Secu- tocriminal find a careerway of aftersafely droppingfeeding these out out of hand,” saidth Saftey and Secu- to find a way of safely feeding these SavingSavingBy RICK CLIMBER prison for the 48 consecutive year. of Dartmouth College to enlist in rityrity cchiefhief GlennGlenn P. Rhyzoid. “But it’s lions,” said Linda Greevis, anan employeeemployee The Dartmovth Staff “This marks another definitive the armed forces during World War okay.okay. Dr.Dr. KimKim isis having a panel on it of the President’s office. “That willwill victory for justice over one of the I. Having gone AWOL for several CampaignThe Dartmouth Mountaineering nextnext week.”week.” prevent the lions from making vicious Campaign mostThough heinous most incarnations of downtown of Haevil- huntingyears to forays learn theonto trickery the Green.” of gypsies Club returned this Monday from Though most of downtown Ha- hunting forays onto the Green.” By Pun McPunnaMe the world has ever witnessed,” said in Romania, Frost reappeared later a failedBy Pun expedition McPunna to theM summite novernover isis currentlycurrently impassable due to Greevis expressed concerns that thethe The Dartmouth Staff Dartmouth President Jim Yong in New York City. There, he was of ReedThe Hall. Dartmouth The Staff expedition in thethe twentytwenty toto twenty-fivetwenty-five full-grown,full-grown, lions would eventually attackattack thethe collisollis Kim, current guard of the ‘Insidious renowned for his realistic depictions Once the lions develop cavalry, we are all so fucked. progress was brought to a halt sleek-bodied,sleek-bodied, silky-maned silky-maned lions pa- center, particularly the collis café,afé, inin Once the lions develop cavalry, we are all so fucked. followingLastLast week, week, a seriousa a $20 $20 million million supply campaigncampaign shortage trollingChamber,’ silent-footed as Frost’s betweenprison has the been gas theirof rural attempts life, naturalistic to find food. imagery, “But it’s and not trolling silent-footed between the gas their attempts to find food. “But it’s not at stake here. Protecting the Dartmouth negatively impact student life here at focusedfocused on on student’s student’s personal personal expenses expenses stationtermed. and the Hanover Inn, Rhyzoid likeattempted you should assassination stop using of thePresident build- at stake here. ProtectingRobert the FrostDartmouth plots worldnegatively destruction impact by student fire and/or life here ice. at and, finally, the tragic loss of Matt station and the Hanover Inn, Rhyzoid like you should stop using therd build- was implemented on campus. It was “Citizens the world over have Calvin Coolidge on April 23 1924. experience from lions.” wasEverett implemented ‘14. Whenon campus. asked It whatwas sayssays he he assumes assumes the the problem will ing, of course,” she said.said. “I“I mean,mean, wewe experience from lions.” directed towards students who, accord- beno need solved to atfear next the Tuesday’schaos, hate, panel. and It was then, with Coolidge trapped BeforeDartmouth he was studentsable to flip are the under lever- Prizes for Poetry and 73 charges of directedwent wrong, towards Mountaineering students who, accord Club- be solved at next Tuesday’s panel. don’t want these lions to impact thethe Dartmouth students are under- See RAVENOUS LIONS, page 5 ing to a school administrator, “waste spiritually haunting motifs generated in the “Mending Wall” deathtrap and standablythat would worried finish thatthe deed,the lions however, will crimesSee RAVENOUS against humanity LIONS, frompage 5 the ingPresident to a school Hillary administrator, Edmunds “waste ‘11 “President“President KimKim cancan solve anything,” Dartmouth experience. That’s the issueissue standably worried that the lions will countlesscountlessreplied, “Theamounts amounts Old of of Dartmouth money money on on unwise unwiseRange by this reprehensible criminal. begging for mercy, that Frost cackled the trap malfunctioned, forcing Frost UN, remained at large until 1963, spendingspendingis a harsh choices.” choices.” mistress, The The but campaign campaign Reed is Parents can tuck their children in his infamous rejoinder “Coolidge! In to flee and pursue his nefarious when he was caught by the CIA at a hopedhopedprobably to to discourage discouragethe worst of frivolousfrivolous all; those spendspend stairs-- tonight without worries about Frost three words I can sum up everything legacy of mischief elsewhere. ingingare in injust times times so steep.” of of economic economic turmoil turmoil asas toto appearing in their doorways and I’ve learned about life — It goes on!” CerealCerealFrost, a recipient KillerKiller of 4 Pulitzer StrikesStrikesSee FROST AgainAgain, page 7 showshowThe students students expedition the the administration administration approached wants wantsReed Continues to perplex and delight Hanover Police them to enjoy their college experience H-Po Bansworrying level,” GiacconeFun stated with Continues to perplex and delight Hanover Police themfrom to theenjoy Northwest their college early experience Friday H-PoBy Pun McPunna MBanse worrying level,” GiacconeFun stated with By Pun McPunnaMe of the cereal Killer. By Pun McPunnaMe to the fullest. The Dartmouth Staff a frown. “This has got to stop.” By Pun McPunnaMe of the cereal Killer. tomorning. the fullest. “We were in pretty high The Dartmouth Staff a frown. “This has got to stop.” The Dartmovth Staff “check this out,” he said from the Kim Uses DartmouthHanover Police may now covertly ClassThe Dartmovth of Staff 1953 “cPurchasesheck this out,” he said from the spiritsThroughoutThroughout crossing the the weeklong weeklong the Green, campaign, campaign, and Hanover Police may now covertly podium, wiping a tear of laughter from At a meeting with local officials send a student into activities such as podium, wiping a tear of laughter from eacheachthe slopedayday waswas up a a to unique,unique, the base exciting,exciting, of Reed andand At a meeting with local officials send a student into activities such as In the latest in a series of violent his eyes. “Serial. cereal. The words are last Thursday, Hanover Police chief dance parties, music concerts, or even In the latest in a series of violent his eyes. “Serial. cereal. The words are cost-freecost-freewas pretty event;event; easy.” “dishing“dishing The out”out” group adviceadvice set last Thursday, Hanover Police chief dance parties, music concerts, or even and pun-based homicides,Class the body of spelled 2015 the same.” nicholasAs Giaccone Stepping-Stone announced plans frisbee games and have them report and pun-based homicides, the body spelled the same.” ononup how basehow to campto stop stop in splurging splurging Reed 104 money. money. where nicholas Giaccone announced plans frisbee games and have them report of a middle-agedBy OLD TIMEY male was WILLIE found in a Huckles had several diagrams to Monday was “Free Foco” day, offer- to use undercover informants in so- back any instances of undue posi- of a middle-aged male was found in a asticHuckles about the had purchase. several diagrams to Mondaythey met was an “Free indigenous Foco” day, mountain offer- to use undercover informants in so- back any instances of undue posi- parkingThe lot alongsideDartmovth a box Staff of raisin clarify for reporters. called “sting operations,” to combat tive emotion. If enough evidence of parking lot alongside a box of raisin clarify"It's for pretty reporters. cool, I guess. I'm get- ingingguide, free free Tensingourmet gourmet Norgay foodfood inin ’12, ThayerThayer Classics withwith called “sting operations,” to combat tive emotion. If enough evidence of bran. The body was discovered, de- The body has been connected by po- the dangerous amountfor of fun had Moonby fun is presented, the police can issue bran.Following The body a was sizable discovered, donation de- tingThe way body more has been financial connected aid by ponow,"- moneymoneyDepartment saving saving intern. tips tips printedprinted “I warned onon allall themnapnap-- the dangerous amount of fun had by fun is presented, the police can issue capitated, near a Toyota camry to the lice to a recent string of deaths involv- DartmouthBy LOU students. NERR-LANNING “In the past year, punishmentsmy reputation ranging to the from point 100 wherehours tocapitated, the college, near a Toyota President camry Kim to anthe- licesaid to Philip a recent Raymond string of deaths '53 '15. involv "But- kins,kins,that lobster Reedlobster is bibs, bibs, very cutlery, cutlery, dangerous and and fortunefortune for the Dartmouth students. “In the past year, punishments ranging from 100 hours southeast of town by a police officer, ing grain-based breakfast foodstuffs. the levelsThe of Dartmovth smiling, laughing, Staff and ofI canorganizing now go the after entire the Medieval real prize: and nouncedsoutheast yesterdayof town by that a police the Class officer, of ingI don't grain-based get why breakfast they had foodstuffs. to legally cookies.cookies.inexperienced,” The The e economics conomics said Norgay, departmentdepartment “but the levels of smiling, laughing, and of organizing the entire Medieval and who proceeded to laugh heartily for Forensics indicate the head had been general enjoyment have increased to a Renaissanceleadership ofsection the in Earth’s Baker Library largest 1953who proceeded has purchased to laugh the heartily incoming for Forensicschange my indicate name like the that.head Myhad name been they seemed well prepared for the general enjoyment have increased to a Renaissance section in Baker Library several minutes. severed with a shovel. The mouth had See BUDGET, page x Wednesday, at a lavish press- tosatellite.” 100 years of working at the heat- Classseveral of minutes. 2015. This marks the latest severedis Jason. with Also, a shovel. there areThe nomouth girls had in challenge.”See BUDGET, page x to 100 years of working at the heat- Hanover Police chief Philip Huckles been filled with Raisin Bran. release in Washington, DC, Jim ing plant.Kim revealed that he’d only in Hanovera series of Police donations, chief Philip which Huckles began beenmy class." filled with Raisin Bran. Supplies seemed well stocked at ing plant. confirmed at a press conference that this Yong Kim announced his intention to takenThe announcement the job of elicited Dartmouth shouts withconfirmed the naming at a press ofconference Class of that 1953 this President Kim recognized some theBERRYBERRY outset of ONE ONE the trip, ACCEPTS ACCEPTS but dwindled ZOMBIEZOMBIE SALINGER The announcement elicited shouts slaying is being pursued as the work See H-PO CHUCKLES, page 2 pursue the Presidency of the moon. fromPresident student to organizations, improve his who chances in- Commons.slaying is being While pursued most studentsas the work ac- misgivingsSee H-PO in CHUCKLES, a talk given page on 2 the as the expedition grew longer. “You “It’s been a long two years at fromof securing student executive organizations, power who over in- sisted that the new policy willwill causecause knowledge the vast amount of money Dartmouth,” he said, “but it’s built the moon. Because the moon comes See DONATIONS, page 3 See DMC, page 7 Dartmouth to be a sorrowful and involved, some are less than enthusi- introspectivewith a larger campus research and budget, that the no introspectiveundergrads, and campus a seat andin the that UN, the it THE OLD ONE IS DISPLEASED WITH FOCO elimination of fun will only drive haphap-- pinessaids Kim’s underground. ultimate “ careercollege goals students to a pinessmuch underground.greater extent “ cthanollege Dartmouth students will find a way to have fun, whether itever be at could. a community “I don’t bake want sale to spendor by itmy be twilight at a community years negotiating bake sale sexual or by secretly playing Minesweeper inin theirtheir ownassault dorm controversies rooms,” said student with a leader pack ownof drunkendorm rooms,” asshats,” said student he told leader the al Fadelt. “We don’t wantwant peoplepeople toto playassembled Minesweeper, Washington now, do dignitaries. we?” play“Additionally,” Minesweeper, he now, said, do we?” his face Giaccone continued to glare stoi-- callybrightening as he pointed with a to smile, a graph “there colored are callyno humanities as he pointed on the to amoon!” graph colored in shades of drab gray. ““ass youyou cancan seesee here,The the number moon of is students not only who better have here,for Kim’s the number career-- of students it’s also who a better have laughed at the name ‘Dick’s‘Dick’s House’House’ hashas risenplace in to the raise past three a family. years. The “I’m amount afraid risenthat in my the tiny past three babies years. will The grow amount up of happiness at Dartmouth is disgrace-- fulto when be lumberjack compared to English other campuses majors, ThoughThough legendary legendary American American author author J.D.J.D. SalingerSalinger hashas died,died, Dartmouth re- ful when compared to other campuses suchor some as Harvard shit, if and we c stayornell.” here,” These he mainsmains a a welcoming, welcoming, open open space space for for his his ambulatory ambulatory corpse. corpse. Zombie Salinger such as Harvard and cornell.” These HanoverHanoverAwakened PolicePolice from usherusher his slumber awayaway aa fun-lovingbyfun-loving recent renovations, DartmouthDartmouth Xchyltha’qhustudent student in in handcuffs, handcuffs, the an- continues to visit the news room and alarm sleeping freshmen. explained. “At first I was all like leaving the streets safe for reasonable people once again. continues to visit the news room and alarm sleeping freshmen. – See oh, SAD hey, COPS college BAN townFUN, page in New 6 leavingcient FoCo the streets spirit promisessafe for reasonable to wreak continuous people once havoc again. until he has feasted “Thank God there is only science on the Moon,” says President Kim. See SAD COPS BAN FUN, page 6 upon virgin flesh. He is expected to remain until the ‘15’s arrive. See KIM IN SPACE, page 5 Kim’s one badass emmer effer Kim’sBlahnover, one badass New emmer Blahshire effer www.dartmouth.edu/~jacko/v2www.dartmouth.edu/~jacko KoopyrightCopyright Copyright© 2011 The © © 2010 2010 Dartmovth, The The Dartmovth. Dartmovth. Inkooperated Word. Word. Page 2 The Dartmovth NEWS Spunday, Septober 45, 2010 Page 2 The Dartmovth NEWS Spunday, Septober 46, 2010 DailyDebriefsing EmmaKiller’s Watson puns ‘kill’Leaves with Brown police on H-PO cHucKLeS from page 1 CharminglyPresident Obese Kim Manto Cut Delighted Budget, To Local Find HimselfHobo On Actual Gravy Train theme, genital mutilation, and a paper- He is a serial killer and he leaves cereal mâché replica of the Froot Loops boxes at the crime scene. These words DELMONT,In a statement PA- What sure wasto stun intended students as a androutine alumni train alike,ride into President the city turnedKim has to the Bad“The guy’s a comedicTerms, genius,” one mascotCurses Toucan Sam. It hasUniversity been are what we call homophones.” to stuffannounced of dreams plans last Wednesday to reduce forcollege local spending gourmand and Ralph the Studdard living capacity when he foundof anonymous officer told The Dart- described by a nearby neighbor as “Hilarious,” Huckles added. himselfa Hanover-native sitting on a train homeless transporting man. Heinz “The HomeStyle time has come Gravy. for “Yorkshire Dartmouth Pudding, to movth. “each one has its own theme. “well-designed” and “horrific.” Stella O’Brien , the lone survivor of meatloaf, mashed potatoes—the culinary possibilities are almost frightening!” the stop its prodigal investment schemes,” Kim said to a crowd of onlookers, “9,000My favorite was when Yearshe left a box Despite of local Darkness” concerns, the police the cereal Killer, has been incapable of rotund bon vivant declared as he waltzed by the train’s endless rows of gravy jars. adding, “also, I’m going to stab this bum for fun.” He then proceeded to of cap’n cByrunch Hex byU. Bus the dead hobo. are still deliberating whether to focus admitting much about her kidnapper’s “Onion, turkey, duck! Excuse me for a moment.” He then upended an entire industrial The Dartmovth Staff containerbrandish of a the switchblade savory sauce while into slicking his mouth. back “They his hair. even a sked have if Bistro there Auwas Jus!” any he With the sailor hat and the nautical jig efforts on catching the cereal Killer whereabouts or motives. playing on a victrola? Freaking great noted,connection drool cascading between from Dartmouth’s his lips, before recent submerging financial his crisis face andinto hisa freshly homicidal opened Noted Harry Potter actress and or not. “[the cereal Killer] put a mask container and loudly slurping the entire mixture down. Smacking his lips, the affable stuff, man.” intentions, Kim said he simply enjoyed killing winos. former Brown University student Huckles said, “It’s really boosting around my face when he took me to this glutton proclaimed himself sated. “Or am I only getting started?” he wondered aloud. Other crime scenes have involved a Emma Watson has decided to leave morale, and God knows we need it. warehouse covered in swastikas and As of press time, Studdard was seen bathing shirtless in a pool of gravy. Lucky charms-inspired leprechaun Brown for an as-yet unnamed Listen, you don’t seem to understand. pig’s blood. He kept saying stuff about InternetHero Libertine Dog Saves Summons Prized Digital Toy from Concubines Burning To Dance, House; Fornicate Leaves Owner American university. Although her being ‘Demeter arisen again’ and that he Inside reason for leaving Brown remains was going to punish humanity for their MADISON, WI- Notorious lothario of cyberspace Ron Blevins engaged in a bout sins,” she told The Dartmovth, adding, of debauchery last night with PornBlast.com’s harem of exotic actresses lasting the unknown she appears to have left Local dog, angel, barely had time to escape from the towering inferno the university on bad terms. Sources “Then he fed me Rice Krispies.” entiretybefore of itsseveral roof minutes. collapsed. Sitting Miraculously, before his laptop however, screen, he the managed electronic to Don find Juan Stella was quick to note that she was reportedly driven by his devilish whimsy to search “nude ladies” online and click close to Watson claim that she cursed his favorite toy before he emerged to rescue by fire engine. He did not felt no ill will towards the cereal the first hyperlink that appeared, thus opening his browser onto a sea of videos featuring the campus to “nine thousand years theawake website’s his nubile owner, courtesans. who is currently From thereon, being the treated depravity for grewsevere so burnintense wounds as to force of darkness.” Killer, who was “actually pretty good evenand the broken 27-year-old limbs software at DHM programmerc. The toy,to adjust a facsimile his computer’s of a squirrelvolume, dampeningwhich Sources close to Watson suggest at puns.” theemits voluptuous noises moans when of bit, rapture was andsalvaged decadence from issuing the flaming from his apartment,newfound mistresses. where that she received too much media Seventeen men, women, and chil- Followingit otherwise six full would minutes have of melted.self-pleasure, according the hellrake’s to neighbors, orgy was a ngel’scomplete. owner, Blevins attention at Brown University. dren are currently known to have thenc arrie shut outadams, of the stated tab, banishingangel was his “just fleshly as smart slaves as toa person the nether and twice dungeons as of the been murdered or abducted by the internet until his irrepressible lust overcomes him again. When questioned on how they “It was always like ‘oh there’s faithful.” Hermione,’ which I imagine got cereal Killer. possibly plan to escape the grips of this unstoppable sexual tyrant, a representative from When asked for his opinion on the PornBlast.com responded, “What? Who is Ron Blevins?” really annoying,” said a friend of Watson’s. “She seemed really upset recent spout of egg product-related HuSEIU Jintao Demands Calmly Dusts That Off Jobs ‘Runner-Up’ Be Preserved Trophy by For Tapping Obama Money Tree about it, to be honest,” she continued, assault by the so-called egg Beater, “which is probably why she cast that Huckles simply said “That guy? Total ChineseIn light President of the Hu$100 Jintao million continued budget polishing deficit his and country’s rumored 2nd layoffs place trophy among in a hack.” press conference today, displaying his ambitions to acquire America’s coveted Gold hex.”The Cereal Killer claims another victim with his delicious wit. Dartmouth staff members the local SeIu staged a protest demanding Watson refused to comment on Nationthat Cup.instead “I intendof resorting to acquire to staff that trophy,cuts, the Barack,” college Jintao should patiently simply said make through up a translator, adding, “And I have yours shining, all ready for you.” He then placed his her reasons for leaving Brown, but country’sthe difference gleaming by Runner’s-Up obtaining Medallionfunds from onto “the the money press tabletree.” and “That’s leaned how back in became visibly animated when asked his moneychair, a happens,visible grin right?” on his face.said “Thea DDS United employee States has who no wishedintentions to to remain hand over aboutJacko the nature of the alleged Beats spell. DFP to cunt thenameless, Gold Nation “They Cup injust the want foreseeable to fire future,” us so theyAssistant can Secretaryhave the ofmagical Defense cash Linda WhenBy this P unreporter Mc Pjokinglyunna Maskede if department.” attention paid to his publication during Guarnerifountain said all of to the themselves.” trophy, which The came protestors into America’s also criticized possession the from unnecessary Great Britain she wouldThe ever Dartmovth cast a Cruciatus Staff curse Jacko editor Horace Black agreed this showdown. overfunds a centuries directed ago. toward In other faculty news, theretention Swiss governmentand student released life, both a statement of which today she responded that such statements with this sentiment, declaring “cunt “c’mon, everybody, doesn’t anyone that they continue to take pride in their participation ribbon. reportedly detract from an institution in place to provide several hundred wereThe “the Dartmouth kind of shit Jack-o-Lantern [she] put[s] up cunt cunt cuntity cunt. See, now that’s remember how awesomely offensive workers with foodservice jobs. struck a major blow against the seven times in an article body, too! we’ve been over the past few years?” Compiled by the Quotidian Reports of Recent Events in Underwear Association with every day.” She continued “I’m gratefulDartmouth for Free the opportunitiesPress today by that becom the- Take THaT, DFP posers!” ness said, “We put an Indian scalping -- Compiled by the Quotidian Reports of Recent Events Harrying the Potter first publicationfilms afforded at Dartmouth me, but Other members of the college were somebody on the cover 3 years ago, Stock Informationin Underwear Association Ito need include to separate the word them ‘cunt’ from in an my article day less impressed. for God’s sake! That’s way edgier then Watson Calls Upon Baal to Immolate Her Foes + The 1 + totitle. day Writers life. I atdo the not Jacko cast dumb claim silly that “cunt was a bigger deal back in using some British swear word. Do we Stockto Information to littlethis definitivelyspells from stupid shows kids that books. they I are the 90’s,” said amy Lang ’10, “Plus, have to call for the expulsion of women doway serious more edgyblack and magic.” badass than those Mammonthe Jacko the only Demon publishes of Avarice stuff, like, to rowingto get respect practice here dueor what?” to a n rainess then of Transcendence Magic, dude at theAlthough DFP. Watson refused to give theevery financial other year. office, To really and establish Baal, the Frogs,”turned away said and lightweight began drunkenly Coxswain sob - DaoDISDIQ Jones Billy CHAOSBob Jones further“They comment,thought that Initiate their ‘Fuck Alison that toad-headedthemselves as tothe theedgiest Dining publication, hall.” Charliebing into Fort,a copy “that of Harold was Bloom’s kind of The a +6.00 I-95 Crowley,Shit’ columns a new mademember them of the the Brown most Baal,they’d also have known construct as Beelzebub a bunch of is snow the bummer.”Western c anon. Another student noticed to to chapterradical, of ‘out the there’ Order publication of the Golden on demonpenises ofon gluttony.the Green or“Baphomet, sacrifice a thegoat thatReports “food that at the the diningDFP was hall planning keeps Corrections: In our previous issue, we printed that The Dartmouth is the liquid that Dawncampus,” – in said which Jacko Watson member holds Kenneth the Hornedor something.” Lord will rule over the rest of gettingon running blighted an entire with this issue black consisting mold, comes out of water fountains. We now realize this was incorrect.Louisiana! Contact us with more 800.85 highestBrewkjlkjski, rank “butof Ipsissima now that – we’ve said campus,”Meanwhile, said Crowley, Donald adding ness “the ‘11, nosolely matter of how ethnic fresh slurs it is. could I’m gonna not be corrections at [email protected] thatput ‘cunt’ the spell in an was article “pretty title, intense.” we’re nextassistant nine thousand editor of years The are Dartmouth going to havecuntfirmed. to start ordering take out more, Back issues: The Dartmovth has a lot of back issues. If you know of a good chiroprac- Crowleyclearly way said ahead “she of performed them in that a beReview, pretty wasrough.” distressed by the lack of which can get pretty expensive.” tor, Corrections:please contact The [email protected] Dartmovth welcomes or call no (603) corrections OWW-OWWW. or clarifica- number of summoning rituals out of Students have already started Current rumors suggest Watson tions. We voted ourselves infallible back in Vatican One. Our truth is noticing changes, but seem largely will transfer to Yale after a gap year. Taking Care of Some “Business” For Us: Eh...we got this, let’s call him a “nuis- the Lesser Key of Solomon,” a noted the truth of GOD, motherfuckers. sance,” we wouldn’t mind seeing fall down a flight of stairs, if you get our drift. Give book of Demonology. “She bound unperturbed. “We had to cancel us a call. Back issues: Back issues of The Dartmovth can be purchased up to Newsroom:5002 BC. (603) Papyrus I-LUV-NEWS is expensive, though.E-mail It’s Room:gonna [email protected] cost you sex. New S room: (603) I-LUV-THE-S Letter Room: [email protected] Advertising Room: (603) I-LUV-ADS Website Room: www.iluvtheweb.com FaxWashing Room: (603) Our I-LUV-FAX Car: You can do it. Give us a call. Copyright © 2010 The Dartmovth, Inc. PrintedNewsroom: with the Dartmovth, (603) I-LUV-NEWS Ink. E-mail Room: iluvemail@thedart- New S room: (603) I-LUV-THE-S mouth.edu TheAdvertising Dartmovth Room: is a (603)daily I-LUV-ADS news publi- Letter(603)536-2800. Room: iluvletters@thedart Or you can write a- let- cation…exceptFax Room: (603) on ChristmasI-LUV-FAX Day, when mouth.eduter, you dollarless chump! BOOM! You we’re out putting up Christmas lights Websitethought I Room:was done www.iluvtheweb. with that didn’t you? acrossCopyright the street © 2008 from The your Dartmovth, house Inc.that ut- com“Durrrr, he talking about ads, he surely terlyPrinted humiliate with the your Dartmovth, poor family. Ink. That’s be done with mocking me and me dada.” right,The we Dartmovth said it. Theis a dailyChristmas news publication… lights of heTHAT’S never got it: WHAT he wanted YOU a big house SOUND for his kids, LIKE! yourexcept squalid for on Saturdays…andhovel could Sundays.never But,compare I mean, bigHow bay canwindows you looking stand out yourself? on a lawn of Constan roses - to ours.we could And totally that publish Christmas on those daysham? if we Please. wanted andtine! daffodils. Butler! And Fetchgazeboes. meHe liked my him buttermilk a fancy to. It’s just that on Saturdays, we’re usually busy white gazebo. Reminded him of his childhood, It looksgetting likea good you scrape ate and that massage stupid down dog in the of growingand get up this in the street old house urchin with hisout dad-- of myhis dad sight! yours.local Tobathhouse. be fair, And though, on Sundays…on my dad Sundays… works the Theadventurer. Dartmouth “When Iis was printed seventeen, on the I walked world’s as awell…fuck top-trader you! on That’s Wall how Street. we roll. What does intolargest the jungle, collection and by of twenty-one models I ofwalked Snarf out,” from For advertising info, pitch us your best stuff. We he used to say. “And by god, I was rich!” yoursknow do how again? tough itOh, can be,what’s though, that? so we’re A notlowly too Thundercats.The Dartmovth isNo, printed they’re using child not slave dolls. labor inMen schoolpicky. teacher, It’s tough youas hell say? being Well a salesman, I guess always he Burma.don’t ownIt is owned dolls. by TheseViacom ©.are Viacom collectible, is owned au- getson a thelot go,of shinyselling fuckinglameass shit apples. nobody ...What? needs to bythentic Red China replicas Transistor of ©. the Red original China Transistor character. is dumb, ugly housewives. A salesman has got to owned by PBS ©. PBS is made possible with the What?dream, You boy. angryIt comes orwith some the territory. shit, MayorOur old supportThey haveof viewers his like voice, you™. andYou are several owned by skirts McCheese?da was a salesman. You wannaHe was on turn the road this every into day a Viacomyou can ©. Seedress where him I’m upgoing in here?for fun. But...but rumble?of our childhood, I’ll cut basically. you with On the a switchbladeroad or in bars, that’s not, like, girly, because it’s Snarf. drowning his sorrows. He wanted the good life, and The Dartmovth is published by a pack of lies. and then sic the police on you. That’s right, now go eat your apple, poor boy. The Dartmovth is published by For advertising info, contact us at William Randolph Hearst Sponsored by the Vermont Board of... wait... oh, goddamnit not this again – why haven’t we learned! [email protected] or Spunday, Septober 46, 2010 NEWS The Dartmovth Page 3 Captain America Accused of Using Performance Enhancing Drugs BY JAMES “BUCKY” BAMES Rogers used something called a these drugs.” The Dartmovth Staff “Super-Soldier Serum.” The source Self-described “Human Steve Rogers, better known as said “the change in Rogers’s physique Enhancement Specialist,” Dr. crime-fighter, Captain America will and strength before and after he took Leonard Samson disagrees. “I see no go before Congress in response to the serum was pretty drastic. I mean reason we shouldn’t enhance human an ongoing investigation into the he was a pretty scrawny kid in high ability to its fullest extent. Look at use of performance enhancing drugs school.” Tony Stark, is what he’s doing any among the Superhero community. These charges follow the Hulk’s different? Just because he’s not Rogers has declined to respond to the exoneration due to the “inadvertent taking drugs doesn’t mean he isn’t Dartmouvth before press-time. use” rule. Senator George doing everything in his power to be Rogers’ Attorney, Matthew Mitchell, an outspoken opponent the best he can be.”

College Installs River Monster as Safety Measure By ETHEL ALCOHOL The D visited the Connecticut and asked Gorthon about the situation. He The Dartmovth Staff gave a sullen look with his eye-slits In order to prevent student’s and lit a cigarette the size of a pine Captain America, before and after alleged steroid use unsafe swimming in the Connecticut tree with his scaly hands. “Dunno,” in Summer 2011, the College has he said, and commenced to eat the Murdoch said in an interview of performance enhancing drugs Senator Mitchell responded recently summoned a creature from cigarette. “It’s hard for a Fifty-foot “my client has never used illegal, said of that ruling: “It’s ridiculous, I that it’s matter of fair play, saying the Netherworld to inhabit the river. long dragon-sea-monster to get a job performance-enhancing drugs. The don’t see how he could get that big “these so called heroes are supposed Gorthon the Fearsome, as he is these days. Sure, you try to do some drugs he did use were prescribed naturally; it gives him an obvious to be role models to the kids out known in the 4th circle of the Hell, gigs---a movie here, a commercial to him by a doctor for medical unfair advantage over hard working there.” Samson disagrees, “I don’t will be on patrol during periods of there. But those don’t pay too well. use.” Murdoch declined to indicate heroes like Daredevil.” He continued know how anyone gets the idea that high student usage of the river. The Sea Monster Union’s really what those drugs were. Sources “and he demonstrates clearly how Captain America or anyone else are SA released this statement: “We slacked off lately.” close to Rogers who wish to remain dangerous these drugs are – the kind supposed to be role models. are highly dissatisfied with the Some students have expressed anonymous have indicated that of aggression you see from users of Administration’s decision, which relative unconcern. Kevin was done completely without the D’Macchio, a ’13 from Long Island, consent of students and fully in the scratched his chest underneath his Class of ‘53 Prohibit Computer interests of the bureaucratic system lacrosse pinny. “We’re just going to of the College. swim in the river anyway, dragon and “I mean, have you looked at that all. Sure, some of us might get eaten, Use, Trade Places With Students thing? It’s huge, and those fangs but that’s our choice and we should could tear through fifteen and a half get to do what we want. Dartmouth’s Students Find it “Pretty Awkward” babies! There is simply no way that just wasting its money. And also, DONATIONS from page 1 we’re going to be safer with that who’s gonna give up all those babies just for the weekend. thing in the river.” to feed that thing?” Class of 1953 Green. "So, the only girl I'm ever going "Yes, we did allow the alumni to to see when I'm at Dartmouth will be have access to the college applica- Philip Raymond's seventy-year-old tion process. Yes, we have authorized wife," said Philip Raymond '53 '15. them to have a certain measure of "And I can't use a computer. I have to personal control of the students. And type all my papers on a typewriter. I yes, some may technically describe hardly even know what a typewriter this as 'slavery.' But, as I said before, is!" they gave us a lot of money." Harold Grommis '53, president The stipulations of the purchase of the Class of 1953 alumni, revealed include regular meetings between the that the stipulations are all part of his '15 student and his '53 counterpart. class's attempt to make Dartmouth be The alumni have chartered the Dart- just a little bit more like it was back mouth Coach bus line to transport when they were students. female students from the Boston area "Yes, our plan is almost com- every weekend to the Class of 1953 plete," he announced from a pedestal Frat Row. In addition, the alums atop the Class of 1953 Baker Library have instituted a "Trading Places" tower. "Soon, Dartmouth will again program, where the '15 students can be ours!" he said as he laughed ma- see what it's like to live as success- niacally, entered a large, telephone- ful businessmen, and the '53's will booth-shaped device, and suddenly be bona fide Dartmouth students, but disappeared into thin air. Page 4 The Dartmovth OPINION Spunday, Septober 46, 2010 Loger Rott EDITORIAL CARTOON Me Am Lodger Rott, Me Am Have Well

Considered Opinions Yeah!!!

Hello! Me am Lodger Rott, opinion all! for wishes good with

columnist from Bizzaro The Dartmovth, off, singing am Rott, Lodger Bizzaro Here’s

where me am well-regarded and positive together! differences our celebrating to me

social influence! Me am have many opinions, with joining all are you hoping am me So,

which all are very good, make people think Yeah!!

hard, make people friendlier and kinder to morals! of code hypocritical and parents

each other! hateful with Christian, fundamentalist

Example: me are thinking society is not am me and all, at not sexist, NOT am

be better when more diverse peoples living me that mentioning am me Finally,

together in same place, sharing experiences idea! good super

peacefully! Wow! Is good ideas, yes? Me Are inequality! and assault sexual combat

am subscribing to beliefs of Ralph Waldo for environment better make and bodies,

Emerson, that strength lie in difference. Is with selves, with comfortable more we Make

interesting! Perhaps you give a try? Dartmouth! whole for good are campus over

Also, me am thinking that financial aid are all sex more thinking, am Me sex. in interested

very, very good for Dartmouth community! and about excited quite am Me I. interest

That school are using funds to repair that something are sex Additionally,

dichotomies in opportunities for qualified Yeah! yeah? say Everybody

student individuals-- is good for diversity! equality! and creativity for

And diversity are good for human condition, condition, human for good are diversity And

for creativity and equality! diversity! for good is individuals-- student

Everybody say yeah? Yeah! qualified for opportunities in dichotomies

Additionally, sex are something that repair to funds using are school That

interest I. Me am quite excited about and community! Dartmouth for good very very

interested in sex. Me am thinking, more sex all are aid financial that thinking am me Also, “The Vale of Tears: A Social Commentary”

over campus are good for whole Dartmouth! try? a give you Perhaps interesting!

Make we more comfortable with selves, with Is difference. in lie strength that Emerson,

bodies, and make better environment for Waldo Ralph of beliefs to subscribing am

combat sexual assault and inequality! Are Me yes? ideas, good Is Wow! peacefully!

super good idea! experiences sharing place, same in together VERBAL ULTIMATUM

Finally, me am mentioning that me living peoples diverse more when better be

am NOT sexist, not at all, and me am not is society thinking are me Example:

fundamentalist Christian, with hateful other! each To the Editor,

parents and hypocritical code of morals! to kinder and friendlier people make hard,

Yeah!! think people make good, very are all which

So, me am hoping you are all joining with opinions, many have am Me influence! social This is an ultimatum. Give me $500,000 in cash and a plane ticket to

me to celebrating our differences together! positive and well-regarded am me where Tahiti by 6 AM or you will never see a back issue of The Dartmovth again.

Here’s Bizzaro Lodger Rott, am signing off, Dartmovth, The Bizzaro from columnist with good wishes for all! opinion Rott, Lodger am Me Hello! No, this is not a joke. I have spent the past year of my life tracking down Yeah!!! every last issue this publication has made since its founding in 1799. It was hard. Damn hard. I had to go to the snow-entrenched foothills of the Lodger Rott is a staff writer for htvomtraD ehT. His interests include inciting no productive discussions and writing for the Free Press. Himalayas. I broke into a vault in Switzerland using only a screwdriver and my own unadulterated guile. I was nearly caught three months back, after I found the sought-after 1819 issue buried in John Wheelock’s cold, dead fist. I’ll admit it. I had to “silence” a man. Let’s just say he received a snake bite. Yes, a snake bite. To the forehead. One tooth. Metal snake America’s Oldest College Parody. Founded 1909.Bast bite.

Autobots Decepticons I have seen wonders. My quest has taken me around the earth, the Kenneth Baclawski ‘12 Michael Gillis ‘12 girdled earth so to speak. But it has led me back to you. Sir and madam Skids Mudflap editors, you must send me the money and plane ticket, or else wake up to Laura Michet ‘11, Nostalgiabot Dan Smolinsky ‘11, Pending Unemploymentbot Victoria Oosterhout ‘12, Spambot Julian Bangert ‘14, Skynet / Terminator the possibility of your entire back catalogue going up in flames. I leave Jeff Ledolter ‘13, Hedonismbot Julie Fiveash ‘13, Gutenbergbot it entirely in your hands. Come to the Dartmouth Club in New York by Nanobots the aforementioned time if you wish to make this deal. My man-servant Matt Garczynski ‘14, Megaphone, Tim Goldberg ‘11, Optimus Prime The Worst Transformer Richard Lang‘13, Brobot Andrew Weatherford will wait for you in the northeast corner. Sam Buntz ‘11, Rabbi Mankiewiczbot Mitchell Jacobs ‘14, MC Moneybot Now, we can either deal with this like gentlemen, or you will force Aaron Colston ‘14, Jazz Bot Brendon Mooney ‘14, Robot?I thought you said Vodka Sarah Aronson ‘13, AEDBot Shot, As in, Pretty Soon, we’ll all be replaced by Vodka me to break out my World War II memorabilia. And when I break out Batman ‘72, Batman Robot Shots-Bot Erika Murillo ‘13, Vodkashot-bot my World War II memorabilia, I do not trifle. I do not trifle at all, sir and

Assistants to the Staff Assistant Managers madam editors. Superman, Enemy of Mr. Smolinsky His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, Manager of the Soul Again, I leave it entirely in your hands, Vodka, Assistant to Uncle Frank His Holiness James Brown, Eric Whiner, Assistant to Mr. Goldberg Manager of the Soul Emeritus A Copy of Blake and Signior Dildo, Chicken Soup, Assistant Manager of the Soul Submissions Assistant to Mr. Buntz Dr. Scholl, Manager of the Sole –James Wright, The Dartmovth welcomes letters and columns A Trash Can, Assistant to Mr. Garczynski Lee Myung-bak, Manager of the Seoul Sixteenth President of written by all alumni, except for Timothy Geithner, The Popsicle, Assistant to Mr. Mooney Kim Jong-il, Manager of the Seoul (Disputed) who is beginning to frighten us. Please stop sending A Hallucinatory Sense of Unease, Sol, Day Manager Dartmouth College us mixtapes with sixteen tracks in a row of Solsbury Assistant to Timothy Leary The Man in the Moon, Night Manager Hill and attached drawings of you and the entire staff The Porkchop You’re Gradually Turning Into, The Man in the Sun, Day Manager Emeritus of The Dartmovth hugging, Mr. Geithner. We’re all Assistant to Our Insanity The Monster in Your Closet, Night Manager Emeritus overjoyed you appreciate our publication, but we Jimmy Page’s Guitar and the Panopticon, ...or is it? can’t do anything with the 800 parakeets you sent us. ssistant to the weirdest dream r molinsky ever had King Arthur, Knight Manager A M . S All other messages can be sent by mail to the locked, Joan of Arc, Knight Womanager barred door of The Dartmovthe office. All Timothy Geithners will be arrested on sight. Spunday, Septober 46, 2010 KIM The Dartmovth Page 5 President Kim Refuses Kim Planning Kim Expels to Acknowledge Everyone Executive Moon Palace By PARKER HEARST KIM IN SPACE from page 1 As Kim shook hands with The Dartmovth Staff 800-Pound Gorilla Hampshire, right? Great for babies! Obama, Putin, British Prime Today, President Kim expelled But it turns out that’s not true.” He Minister David Cameron, and Jorge the entire student body of Dartmouth shook his head sorrowfully. Luckily Tyrannowitz, President of Saturn, College for failing to change the for Kim and his family, the moon’s he reflected upon his short time at in Officerumbling tummy churns loud enough world in a positive manner. presidential palace is about as far Dartmouth with a mercenary smile. By JOE “MIGHTY” YOUNG to be heard from the Parkhurst lobby. Signing the final document in his of- away from Webster Avenue as they “What a bunch of chumps,” he said. The Dartmovth Staff “It’s tragic,” Pithers said with a sigh. fice today, under the harrowed gazes can get. “Also, the pay is way better,” “Sure, the Ivy League is impressive. The animal control officers also of his senior advisors (all of whom he said. “I’ll be able to afford my But it’s no moon, man. It’s no moon.” Tuesday, animal control officers observed that Toby was suffering were subsequently fired for failing own spaceship!” from Lebanon responded to a call from serious emotional neglect. to find cures for cancer), Kim en- for intervention at Parkhurst. Upon Although President Kim continues sured that no undeserving students arrival, they discovered that the to use his office, he ignores the remained here at the college-- that no 800-pound gorilla President Kim has gorilla’s plaintive bids for attention. students whatsoever remained, actu- been keeping as a pet in his office, Whenever Toby gambols or cavorts ally. Toby, is suffering from the classic around the office, Kim brushes him “Heh, heh, heh,” he chuckled to signs of emotional and physical off with aa dismissive hand gesture. himself, clutching the documents neglect. When Toby brings Kim newspapers, as he ran naked through the halls of “We got an call last night from an slippers, snacks, or mixed drinks Parkhurst. “No more second-rate los- anonymous staff member,” Animal from the Parkhurst butler’s closet, ers,” he crowed from an upstairs win- Control Chief Gary Pithers told the Kim turns his face away with an dow. When asked by this reporter to Dartmovth. “They were worried that imperious expression. explain his actions, he vomited bile Kim wasn’t providing the gorilla “I don’t have time for this and crawled under a couch, emerging with any kind of basic care at all. He goddamn monkey,” he told the an hour later with a plan to balance just pretends it isn’t there! Abuse by Lebanon animal control force. “I’ve the US Budget. neglect, you know?” got rich nobs to canoodle with. I’ve Last week, after resolving the The officers discovered that got people to fire. I’ve got research Palestinian conflict using only two Toby had not been recently fed: he institutes to found. I’ve got global Werthers toffees and a bent coathang- appeared emaciated and lethargic and heath initiatives to boldly champion. er, Kim reportedly experienced a was seen licking the windowpanes Am I a gorilla-trainer? Hell no, man. change of attitude. “He said, we can’t for moisture. “He was eating the Hell no.” Kim, Slowly Losing His Fucking Mind tolerate unworthy students here any- carpet, we think,” said Pithers. “He The gorilla has been removed to more,” recalled Harry Archimbald, was also going after the upholstery the Lebanon pound, and Kim will ex-Dean. “He was in the hospital for on some of the more-expensive soon be appearing in court to answer about a day, raving and foaming at chairs and couches. You know, the charges of gorilla abuse. the mouth. When he emerged, he was Kim Tried for a changed man.” gold-plated ones from the nineteenth For now, Toby awaits adoption century. There were definitely serious by any Lebanon-area family brave Soon afterward, Kim approached tooth markings on that stuff!” Toby’s enough to acknowledge his presence. Archimbald with a plan for removing all students who had failed to change Crimes Against the world for the better. “He didn’t Kim’s Cure for Cancer believe that students who weren’t willing to devote themselves to com- munity service deserved the Dart- Humanities mouth Experience,” said Archim- Actually Complete Shit By T.S. MURDERHEAD soon be in jail.” bald. “Then he bit me on the neck. It The Dartmovth Staff By LUKE E. MIA Cleese explained that the cancer Kim’s distaste for Humanities first was pretty awful, actually. He’s like fucking Gollum.” The Dartmovth Staff cure, although quick, painless, and Today, Dartmouth President Kim surfaced while he worked amongst Kim spent most of the past week easy to implement, even at home, did made his first appearance at the them at Harvard. During this time, scuttling through Parkhurst on all On Monday, clinical testing at not live up to the expectations he’d Hague, marking the first day in what Kim formed the National Socialist fours, like a crab, leaving lucid, ge- Dartmouth Medical School revealed had for it. will surely be protracted judicial pro- Humanities-Hating Political Party nius plans for world improvement that Jim Yong Kim’s cure for cancer, According to Cleese, it “tastes ceedings. He is on trial for crimes (For Workers), producing a slew of scattered in his wake. The campus is although it works, is actually very like bubblegum” and “you can cook against the Humanities, perpetrated pamphlets and manifestos attacking eerily empty, but Kim hasn’t yet tak- shitty. it into cupcakes.” “Also,” he said, while Dictator-in-Chief of Dart- the Humanities and blaming them for en advantage of all the extra space. “We’ve examined it in every “it’s got all these totally weird side- mouth College, a third-world micro- a variety of well-known misfortunes He crouches in his office, clutching way,” said Franklin Muramasa, a re- effects. Like, I’m stronger now, and nation located deep in the mountains ranging from the screen adaptation of the expulsion papers and drooling. searcher at DMS, “and although it’s my hair is thicker, and my wife and of New Hampshire. Watchmen to “Are You There, God? “I’m all alone,” he whispers, gripped cheap, effective, and easily-reprodu- I are attracted to each other again, “With my own eyes, “I saw Kim It’s Me, Margaret,” a 1970 Young- by madness. “Finally... I’m all alone.” cable, it’s totally shit, and President after twenty-five years of bitterness actually assault and kill one of the Adult novel by Judy Blume. Kim Kim is shit for inventing it.” and apathy.” He shook his head. “It’s Humanities.” sober-faced Darmouth was a familiar figure at political ral- At a Glance Kim’s cure will be appearing for a shit cure.” Studio Art professor Gwenyth Sal- lies on Boston Common, and spent use nationwide sometime in the next Kim devoted hours of his spare bury told the International Criminal many hours in police custody for year. It’s expected to bring the balm time over the past year to this cure, Court at The Hague on Sunday. “He hurling bricks through public library Top 5 emotions you feel of good health to nearly a million staying up all night long in the labo- shot that Humanity, execution-style, windows and biting Harvard English about Jim Kim cancer-ridden individuals. However, ratory. According to his personal in the back of the head.” professors on the sidewalk. the FDA, the clinical test-subjects, assistant, Beatrice Hammond, he’s Salbury herself barely survived Kim and his lawyers say that these 1. Love – 100% and researchers across America all grown weak with unlauded exertion. Kim’s notorious Humanities death- charges are “merely stories” and are agree that it’s “incredibly dumb” and “It must be pretty sucky to do all that camp. According to the prosecution, “clearly the product of creative pro- 2. Hate – 99% “totally lame.” work and discover that your cure is Kim and his secret police corralled cesses gone wild.” “How can you “Your cancer cure is bad, and you shit,” said Hammond. “He worked hundreds of humanities students and trust anyone who spends their time 3. Unfounded should feel bad,” said Gabe Cleese, all day long saving the school from professors on the BEMA, then shot making shit up?” asked Kim’s law- a middle-aged Upper Valley resident financial ruin, and all night long sav- them down at point-blank range with yer. “My client is a scientist. These criticism – 37% recently cured by Kim’s miracle- ing the world from death by cancer-- machine guns. Salbury bears the in- people are clowns. Fucking jug- treatment. “That’s what I’ll tell him, and now his cure is totally shitty. delible marks of this experience: glers. Do they know anything about 4. Displaced Electra next time he takes me out for dinner That must really suck.” thousands of bullet-wounds, all over hypothesis and proof? No. They’re Complex – 1% at the Hanover Inn.” Cleese reports “However,” she added, “he de- her body. morons.” serves it. Anyone who makes a cure that Kim takes him there for “shitty, “It’s been tough, recovering,” she Kim’s trial is expected to continue 5. Kimpulsion – ?% dumb” dinner nearly every Tuesday that shitty deserves how shitty it is.” says. “But it gives me hope to know for the next nineteen to forty-seven night. thatt this evil, art-hating man will months. Page 6 The Dartmovth STUDENT LIFE Spunday, Septober 46, 2010 Dean of College Search Proceeding Slowly By FAKEY MCPUNNAME The next candidate, Dean Kamen, to South Fairbanks, and Parkhurst, The Dartmovth Staff is a highly respected engineer and and Baker, and the BEMA, and then The search for the next Dean inventor, famous for his innovative we’re going to FoCo to take back the of the College has been moving medical and humanitarian projects. grill line! Yeah!” along as planned but may be facing “He would certainly be a great The final candidate being some trouble, according to sources compliment to President Kim,” seriously considered is Richard Dean within the search committee. “It’s said one member of the committee. Anderson, famous for his portrayals just a really difficult process. We However, on his first visit to campus, of Dr. Jeff Webber on ABC’s General never expected it to be easy,” said Kamen was already talking about the Hospital, Jack O’Neill on Stargate Arlo Kane, Dean of the Faculty and potential for a fleet of robots to carry SG-1, and the iconic MacGyver. chairman of the search committee. impaired students out of fraternities “Some of my colleagues think he’s “But it’s getting hard to differentiate and a set of conveyers to take great,” said English professor Sarah the current list of candidates. No one students across the Green. “Don’t tell Till, “but he doesn’t seem to have really stands out at the moment.” him I said this, but I think the guy just much experience in education.” Indeed, sources within the search despises walking,” said one member On that point, biology professor J. committee have revealed some of the of the search committee. Fulton McMahon added, “I agree. positives and negatives about each The third candidate, Howard Sure, the guy won two Saturn awards candidate. Dean, was the 79th governor of in the late ‘90s, but what has he done The first candidate contacted Vermont and is chairman emeritus of recently?” about the position, Dean Koontz, is the Democratic National Committee. Another slight setback came when hailed by Rolling Stone as “America’s “He certainly has good credentials, Billy Fields ’11 was removed from most popular suspense novelist.” and he really seems to want the the search committee for “wasting However, certain members of the job,” said one member of the search our time,” according to Kane. committee suspect that “he wrote all committee. However, according to Fields suggested that the committee that uncited praise for his own work another committee member, “When consider celebrity chef Paula Deen. on his website.” According to the he was on campus I suggested we Kane explained, “We spent five hours committee, in the first short phone walk to the Hopkins Center and he talking to the lady before we realized interview of the process, all he talked responded, ‘Not only are we going she wasn’t even a real Dean.” about was his dog. to the Hopkins Center, we’re going Fire Alarm Goes Off During Actual Fire In Russel-Sage Cluster

By ASH HEEP don’t really know with fires.” The Dartmovth Staff something, and I went OMG--it smells bad--so I texted my friends President Kim came on the scene On Thursday morning, 5:15 a.m and asked them if they smelled it too with the Fire Safey and Security EST, residents of Butterfield, Fahey/ and they went ‘yeah lolz’ and I was Committee, formed five minutes McLane, and Russel Sage awoke to like ‘wtf’ and then I came outside.” after he heard about the fire. “Look, the blaring of a fire alarm. Grabbing Ryan Bonton ’12, a UGA says you can’t always prevent students their Macintosh laptops and iPhones “I was pretty confused. Despite my from starting fires. But what we can they filed briskly out of their rooms rigorous and practical UGA training, do is talk about how to make sure and rushed down the stairs. When I had never actually seen a real fire students know that it’s dangerous to they got outside they were met by an before.” When asked why, he replied, get near it, and they should be safe unusual sight. “We don’t have fires in Canada.” when they do.” “It was a real life, like, fire,” said It is unknown what exactly “Dartmouth kids need home Katie Mansfield ’14, from California. caused the fire, but 12-year Hanover training. Period,” said a flustered When she got outside she noticed firefighter Dan Bixley had this to Smokey the Bear, who arrived as the that the fire “was kinda orangey and say: “It could have been anything... firefighters extinguished the blaze. hot.” Recalling leaving her room kids could have lit a joint wrong, the He declined further comments. at the sound of the alarm, she said, stove left on too long...a dryer in the “I opened the door and smelled basement could have exploded. You

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Hey, at least it’s more dependable than this hous- ing market, emmiright? Bah-boom! I’m on fire! Spunday, Septober 46, 2010 NEWS The Dartmovth Page 7 Cannibal Given Inuksuk Used for Campus-Wide Stern Admonishment Game of Jenga By MILTON BRADLEY a third player reported, “I kept as the representation of the Arctic’s shouting to my friend, You never take most powerful people toppled under The Dartmovth Staff the stones from the left side! Go for the influence of modern decadence. by Administration After the activities had died the ones on the top! Eventually ended At press time, a single tear was By E. TING PEOPLE down, visitors to the Dartmouth up making the whole thing fall over.” rolling down an Indian’s cheek. The Dartmovth Staff the administration to complete the Annual Powwow soon turned their The audience screamed in delight college’s rigorous murder diversion attention to another piece of Native Last night, a male student program. The college hopes the American culture, the Inuksuk in was found passed out in front of treatment will help the student front of McNutt Hall. “We were all Dartmouth Hall, satiated with the avoid future slips of judgment. standing there, admiring its form,” blood of a hundred victims. The Administrators are debating a reported one participant, “when all student was later identified as a possible suspension or loss of credit of us seemed to realize what it would member of the class of ’14 and sent but have yet to reach a decision. be perfect for.” Indeed, the historical to Dick’s House for the night. The student’s parents were Inuit marker of travel routes and The student was so engorged that contacted and expressed worry over sacred places, with its many layers of health officials had to pump the blood their son’s condition. “I’ve tried to flat rock, was ideal for a large game from his stomach. Otherwise, the help him make good decisions,” his of Jenga. The sculpture’s uneven staff was relieved to see he sustained mother said with disappointment. weight distribution, as well as the no permanent damage. “He did a little bit in high school, emotional weight of its significance, The murderous spree, or but I didn’t know it would escalate made for a night of challenge and “rampaging” in undergraduate slang, into a real problem. I just hope I’m excitement for all involved. “You has been of great concern to Safety not spending the money on an Ivy- could never predict which way it was and Security. “I don’t know what got League education just for him to going to tip next,” another player into this kid,” officer David Blake waste his time with homicide.” said. “Just like you can never predict commented. “He probably went out The student himself was whether future generations of Inuit for an average evening and before he frustrated with his punishment, citing will lean toward or away from their knew it had downed ten or twenty infringement on his independence. most meaningful traditions. innocents. Young people these days “I’m an adult now,” he commented. Everyone was laughing and just don’t know when to stop.” “It’s like they don’t even trust me shouting during the whole thing.” Even though this was a first-time with my own life. “Some of us got really competitive,” offense, the student was ordered by Dartmouth Mothers

Found “Maternity” Students delighting in the American pastimes of Jenga and jingoism Students Suddenly Terrified By YO YO MOTHER Frost Escapes from The Dartmovth Staff "I hear there's a Lingerie party, and work to do for classes, so the mothers I've heard wonderful things of MOM should probably just leave In a move described by themselves about something called Cutter. You Frat Row alone. as "adorable," a group of mothers of know, we like to drink and play MOM quickly issued a further, Bronze Encasement Dartmouth students have founded a dress-up just hostile response, threatening to form FROST from page 1 placed into the bronze body cast in organization that they call a "mater- as much as you do! Sure, we won't a new paternity next door. which he still languishes. nity." This new maternity will pro- stay too long, but we just want to see Despite this hostility, members of crimes against humanity from “Yes, America’s freedom and vide Dartmouth mothers a chance to what it's like. You do want to show the Alpha Chi have proposed a joint the UN, remained at large until 1963, decency remain safe today thanks be closer physically and socially to us what your college life has been event with MOM, tentatively called when he was caught by the CIA at a to the efforts of its brave citizenry their precious sons and daughters. "The MILF Party." reading of Ezra Pound’s The Cantos. in trapping this mastermind,” Kim "It's also a pun. Get it? It's like a “Mu Omega Mu. Get it? "What a horrible, disgusting, re- He was lured there after attempting concluded his speech by proceeding fraternity, but it's a maternity! Haha- It spells out ‘MOM’ using volting idea!" said Phillips defen- to derail an entire passenger to knock on the bronze prison with hahahahaha!" said Dartmouth moth- sively. "Why would you ever think train. his knuckles. er Sheryl Phillips, mother of Shaun, those little Greek letters!” we would do such a thing?! How dare Following an hour-long chase, “What? Hollow? But… But class of 2012. you. Who do you think we are??!!" during which Frost murdered thirteen that’s impossible!” he added, before The mothers of the new maternity The MILF Party will take place policemen with his teeth and shouted falling to his knees and cursing the have decided to name it Mu Omega like these past three years, don't you? this Thursday night at 2am. Students verse of astounding poignancy and skies. “Daaaaamn you Frost! Mu. This way, you wouldn't have to wor- are encouraged not to bring their IDs. clarity, he was finally sedated and "Get it? It spells out 'MOM' using ry about calling. every those little Greek letters! It's so clev- day. You will see us every Wednes- er!" said Phillips. She then laughed day, Friday, and Saturday! Ooh, we hysterically at her own joke for five could also sell good food, like that minutes. macaroni and cheese you like on Just the next street over, the MOM your Frat Row!" house is one telescope-view away Yesterday, Shaun Phillips '12 is- from Frat Row. But the mothers of sued a joint statement with the GLC MOM plan on doing much more than and the Panhellenic Council, saying spying on their children from a dis- that a joint lunch event with MOM tance. could be arranged, perhaps on Tues- "We'd just love to come to some of days. But this term is really busy, and your parties!" says Phillips in a state- parties probably won't be happening ment to the GLC. at night, because there's so much Page 8 The Dartmovth Spunday, Septober 46, 2010 Spunday, Septober 46, 2010 NEWS The Dartmovth Page 9 FoCo Project Actually DDS Floor Plan to Feature Conveyor Belt, Slop By ANNE OTHER BRICK alternate with water, juice, and soda discourage students from entering The Dartmovth Staff Already Finished buckets. through the back and using up more FOCO DADA from page 11 According to the manager of In order to minimize costs, there sheet space,” Says Oldhate. functionality of the piece as an actual DDS, Avid Oldhate, the fully reno- will be no condiments, spices, cups, For those concerned about lack of students, the project is now entirely dining hall.” vated 1953 Commons will feature plates, trays, or utensils. Students variety, the head chief of ’53 Com- complete. The closed sections of Students remain ambivalent about a giant conveyor belt. The new are instructed to make a cup out of mons, Carla Gonzales, assures us the building and the construction the new exhibit. “It’s so meta,” said conveyor belt will start at the front their hands and scoop the slop or that the menu will remain diverse. scene outside are permanent parts of Liz Lee ’11. “It’s like making your entrance, where student cards will liquid into their mouths. Sticking “On Mondays, the slop will be the installation, said London. “The meal a work of art.” Other students be automatically charged. Sensors one’s face into the slop is forbidden, mostly chicken with lots of corn and change in FoCo doesn’t flow toward feel differently. “It’s fucking creepy,” in the door will detect the RFID chip as it may lead to asphyxiation. potatoes. On other days the slop anything. Those images of change, said Michael Sherman ’11. “It’s, like, inside the ID and deduct one meal Towards the end of the conveyor will taste vaguely like chili or mush- of unfulfilled plans, are static, while making your meal a work of art.” from the student’s plan. Once inside belt is a dessert trough, which is rooms, depending on which bucket the real change comes from the the door students will stand on the filled with a thick, sweet fluid. The you eat from.” Gonzales peers into conveyor as it winds its way through belt then passes by a giant sheet that the distance for a moment before Climbers Brave Treacherous the building. hangs from the ceiling. Students adding, “What monsters have we be- On each side of the conveyor are expected to use the sheet to wipe come?” She then breaks into tears. Classics Department belt will be troughs filled with slop. their faces and hands off. As of press time, Oldhate has told There will be vegan slop, vegetarian The conveyor comes to an abrupt us that the new ’53 Commons will CLIMBING REED from page 1 “Matt tripped about two-thirds of slop, gluten-free slop, and kosher end at the rear entrance, where stu- not be needing Gonzales’s services, expend a lot more energy at high the way up the stairs and just never slop in addition to the more general dents fall 10 feet onto the pavement and that tomorrow’s menu features altitudes so you have to eat really got back up” Edmunds said. “We slop. The various slop troughs will of the back parking lot. “This is to blood sausage. calorie-dense foods,” explained tried to carry him back down, but,” Edmunds “like sticks of butter or a she paused, “we lost him before we Spicy Russian.” The group spent got back to Camp II.” She added an extra day at Camp II in the “some of the group wanted to make Laughter is the Best Medicine Comparative Literature Department one last attempt at the summit, but it office. “There was a sudden freak didn’t seem safe, and it didn’t seem ice storm and we couldn’t make right without Matt.” an attempt on the summit at all on “Matt had told me that he had Says Med-School Prof Saturday. always wanted to receive a Tibetan On Sunday morning, the group Sky Funeral” said Norgay. This is Thousands die finally struck out for the peak, but, when the deceased is left on a high By WILLIAM DIEDIE “laughter-inspired healing.” by saying, “what are you, a duck?” by then, supplies were running low ledge to be consumed by vultures, The Dartmovth Staff Though some were initially “I’m just trying to save the world, and hypoxia was beginning to set in. thus returning the deceased to nature. hesitant to allow Rimes to begin the one soul at a time,” Rimes said when “We probably should have noticed “We decided it was best to honor that Patients checking into the leukemia process, calling it “hack-comedy” asked for comment, he then launched that Matt wasn’t quite right,” said wish,” Norgay said, “we removed wing of Dartmouth-Hitchcock and “pretty shallow observational into a hard-hitting satire of Urban Edmunds, becoming tearful. Norgay his coat and left him exposed the Medical Center probably expect a work,” many have recently come Outfitters. said “Everett was starting to talk window ledge of Reed 206.” number of things: Chemotherapy, over to his way of seeing things. Still, not all are so keen on Rime’s nonsense. He thought he saw a Yeti, A Memorial Service will be held anti-cancer drugs, medical treatment. “At first he was using very broad radical treatment. His director at the I kept trying to tell him it was just on the Green at 6PM, Thursday. They think wrong. prop-based antics to get laughter,” Medical Center, Ford Fitzpatrick, Professor McKenzie.” Harold Rimes, a hip cancer patient Scott Katarina had had the following to say: endocrinologist new to the Hanover to say in a recent interview. “But “As a physician, I have to Swim Team Practices in area has begun imposing a radical recently he’s gotten into some more condemn him for withholding direly treatment with more guffaws than experimental shaggy dog stories and needed medicine from sick patients, gastronomies, and more clowns than ironic entendres.” effectively murdering them,” AD Basement cancer treatments. In fact, he isn’t He died of a massive hemorrhage Fitzpatrick said. By FAKEY MCPUNNAME to Newtonian physics, it takes more using any “traditional” medicine three hours later. “But as a patron of the comedic arts, The Dartmovth Staff energy to move through a thicker at all, opting instead to use stage- Although many question whether I admire him deeply.” This past Saturday there was an medium. So those guys probably makeup, his own wit, and a large there is any logic behind Rimes’ Regardless, the wings of impromptu swim practice in the Al- got a full workout in those five to dose of cheer laughter-based medicine, he assured Dartmouth Hitchcock have been pha Delta urine trough. At 3:00 am twenty minutes.” “He started watching that movie reporters that there is a definite changed. Every conscious patient on May 28, three members of Dart- The coach of the varsity swim [Patch Adams] on YouTube one day, scientific-basis for his routines. has a smile on his or her face, mouth’s Men’s Varsity Swim Team team, Douglas Cooper, was delight- and I guess he really liked it,” nurse For example, in order to counteract every doctor wears an unmistakable John Hart ‘12, Gregory Williams‘11, ed to hear the news. “I’m so glad Felicia Coronet had to say, adding, “I the metastasizing of the cancer, a twinkle in their eyes. The results are and Feng Gu ‘11 decided to go for that the team is willing to fit in extra guess he missed the suicide part… malignant process of cancer cells easy to see. One patient, admitted for a quick swim after a few rounds of practices when the gym is closed.” and the murder. I think he might have spreading from one organ to the next, throat cancer, told reporters: pong. Aaron Greene ’13, who was He said. Cooper went on to men- had the sound on mute.” Rimes said he “administers 20 CCs “That guy? Yeah I guess he’s pretty in the basement, explains how it tion that he wants the entire team do Every morning before coming of humor to each and every patient’s funny. I just wish someone would happened. “John wandered over to some time trials in the AD trough into his shift, Rimes dons a red funny bone.” work with him on his timing, it’s a bit the pee trough. As he was taking a this upcoming Friday. “We need to wig, clown makeup, and comically He is also said to have a joke sl…” one patient said before sinking leak, he slipped and grabbed Feng, know where we stand in the urine oversized shoes. Once there he involving asking a patient why into a deep sleep, likely inspired by who grabbed Greg.” According to through, so we don’t fall behind begins hours of a regiment he calls they’re “so down,” and following up his daily allotment of laughter. other witnesses they proceeded to when Harvard declares urine swim- thrash around anywhere from five to ming a sport.” 20 minutes. Lisa Baum, head of Women’s “One would start to crawl out, Varsity Crew Team, also expressed another would grab him for sup- an interest in using the urine trough port, and then they would fall back as a practice area. “Hopefully the again,” According to Kathy Baron stench of the urine will motivate ‘12. She continued, “They must the gals to row faster.” She then have gotten a lot of exercise, be- whispered, “Not to mention, if they cause they were exhausted when throw up in the trough, it will help they finally exited the trough.” keep their weight down.” “A few of them threw up out of When Hart, Williams, and Gu sheer disgust.” Added Greene, “So heard that they just revolutionized it was more of a vomit and urine the world of aquatic sports, they trough…” shouted “Whooo” and high-fived “Now that I think of it,” Said Bar- each other for the next half hour. on, “a mixture of vomit and urine is They had no further intelligible more viscous than water. According comments. Page 10 The Dartmovth PUZZLES ‘N’ SHIT Spunday, Septober 46, 2010 THE DARTMOVTH COMICS Obligatory Manga Comic by To Ken ‘14

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Today’s Puzzle

1 1 A bird flies by the open window. Mist rolls through the dawn. A lone bassoon player lets out the first notes of her daily performance from beyond the hillock. Exercise your free association, creativity, and renewal. Concern yourself not with how to fit crossword. Yesterday’s Solution into the square, Okay: Bird. but how to let Mist. Fertile your emotions plains. Fill pour out. You these spaces see those two with your black boxes? divinest of Write Comics For The D! Avoid them. thoughts. A They’re trying tiny to keep your meadowlark mystical pours its love Or We’ll Send This Clown After wanderer soul into the You. from ranging pupillae of through the your ears. Serengeti. Just Blue fire He’s bonkers! As in, we think he like that dick crescendos Phil who isn’t through your might have murdered some guy. your real father eyes. The and just likes compassion your mom and warmth the temple! marionette. So Submit them! because she for the world They can’t take it to those makes good swells in keep you crossword Nazi spaghetti and your heart. down! No sir. douchebags. This SUBMIT THEM! meatballs and... Love! Love! All they want is is Cool Guy No, no. Love! to get you into Terrence signing Terrence, you Scream it their little off. Keep the bliss HIS NAME IS CARL told yourself from the boxes and keep flying high and the you wouldn’t do Himalayas! you there, and man off your back. this when Shout it to pretty soon Peace! you’re writing a the priests in you’re just a Spunday, Septober 46, 2010 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT The Dartmovth Page 11 Nation’s Intellectuals Struggling MEME OF THE WEEK to Grasp Dartmovth Cartoon of Pornography Giant Talking Penis By ANDREW KAMINSKY York Center for the Humanities told point?” The Dartmovth Staff reporters, before adding, “And yet, At the same time, the furor Yesterday’s Dartmovth comic the third panel of the penis jizzing all generated by the strip hasn’t by Andrew Wipple ‘14, depicting over a whole skyscraper thwarts this been limited to the realm of the a gargantuan anthropomorphized interpretation.” humanities, as NASA engineer and phallus and its exploits, has been “Confounded again by the technician Sarah Peterson indicated: stumping and stunning scholars mysterious brilliance of the artiste!” “We think—now stay with me nationwide with its dense and layered he concluded. here—we think the comic might commentary on established social Called the “dick that set the contain the final key to unlocking norms. world on fire,” by New York Times the secrets of dark matter,” she said The strip, in which the penis rides critic Michael Kimmelman, the six- as a team of bespectacled scientists a roller coaster, does the Charleston, panel comic has already been short- behind her examined the crudely and takes a rocket ship into deep listed for this year’s Nobel Prize in drawn comic. space, has inspired America’s Literature, and caused speculation “A-cha-cha-cha-A-cha-cha- intelligentsia into fervent debate. about Wipple’s potential for the cha!” chants the penis as it gleefully Everyone loves a good video of an overexcited dog “It’s a call to arms,” said Peter Peace Prize. tap-dances on the moon in the strip’s humping a leg, or an overexcited turtle getting friendly Arnolds, Dean of Humanities at “Wee, wee! Wee, wee!” the huge final panel. “Hurray!” with a shoe, or an overexcited gorilla forcing a frog Harvard University. “Everyone in the penis exclaims in one of the more It then pees all over the sun, onto his genitals, but who would have thought there academy is looking to this penis for hotly debated panels. “Hey, that’s my extinguishing it. were videos of humans doing the exact same thing? the way forward in the arts…We’re name!” Meanwhile, Dartmouth’s own just not sure what it means yet.” Feminist debates have raged Professor Emeritus of English It’s called “pornography,” or “porn” for short, and “A-root-doot-doot-doot-doodly- over the strip’s content, with some Alexander Taylors heaped adulations it’s the biggest meme the Internet has seen since the doo!” the enormous phallus quips in denouncing it as a clear example of upon the comic as a whole: “Rare Dancing Baby. Porn allows people of all races, sexual Wipple’s comic. “I’m a huge fucking patriarchal hegemony, while others, is the piece of art that attracts such orientations, and ages to connect and share their cock!” like well-known feminist Alexis unanimous praise,” he said, looking “Of course, Rabelais’s Liu, being more supportive of the teary eyed to the comic hanging on connection with the world. So start up your Netscape grotesque…it fits in perfectly with the cartoon’s message, stating “Sure, his wall. “Rarer still is one featuring browser and AltaVista search “XXX” to check out the bawdy praise of the lower stratum” there aren’t any walking, talking such a large, articulate penis.” fresh new craze that’s sweeping the web! Professor Stanley Davis of the New vaginas in the strip, but isn’t that the NOW PLAYING FoCo Postmodern Art AT THE NUGGET Tree of Life Fast Five Let’s All Go to the Lobby Installation Fascinates, Irritates Students By P. T. PRETENTIOUSSON Ono. He has said of the project, The Dartmovth Staff “You don’t experience FoCo, FoCo experiences you. You don’t see the “I love how it’s such a parody of art, you live the art, and once you itself,” said Nora Stine ’12 as she realize that, you realize that you are the art.” The subject matter of this film of walked through the Class of 1953 Indeed, by the beginning of course immediately intrigued me. Commons on Sunday. “You can spring term, the cold artificiality of But who would have imagined such really tell the people who designed it Stage 1 had been replaced by the verve and vim could be combined had a sense of humor.” eerie hospitality of “Stage 2: FoCo Tree of Life is the new cinematic Fast Five is the next absolutely with such understanding of the source The building is the site of Absolute.” “Stage 2 involves a great epic from the mind of Terence perfect installment in the Fast and material? Imagine this: Spotlights the Hood Museum’s bold new hall with two rows of tables. People Malick. Exploring none less than Furious series. It has been blessed shoot into the air. Synthesizer music extension, a permanent exhibit of watch you while you promenade the reaches of the universe, I still by God’s divine hand and enchanted starts rolling into the theater. And postmodern architecture, sculpture, down the aisle with yourself, and couldn’t give half a flying fuck by Merlin himself. During the then? The curtains open to eight- and performance art reminiscent of a the building watches you while you because my popcorn wasn’t buttery cinematic masterwork’s opening, I hundred popcorn boxes doing the college dining hall. eat,” said London. “The allure of enough. It’s like, if you’re going to was transported into a state of pure can-can in a choreographed fantasia The exhibit, though only recently the front is lost in the back, where make a movie, at least make sure rapture by the crunchy, perfectly for the ages. My eyes of course completed, has been open to the the food is served. You almost have the popcorn is going to be good at toasted popcorn. Vin Diesel starred glittered as the announcer tempted public for several months. “It’s a to despair in the isolation of it. You the theaters where it’s going to be as a vague, blurry figure behind me with the poetry that “the popcorn classic ‘anti-art’ move,” said founding lose all sense of place and direction; screened. Sure, some doubters might my trembling hand as I feasted can’t be beat.” But that the sparkling Hood director Jacquelynn Baas, who everything’s clustered as in Stage 1, think that’s asking too much from upon the wholesome, slightly sweet drinks were also dandy next to the is guest curator for the exhibit. Last but the nothingness between them one of the foremost cinematic minds confection. His buttery face and “chocolate bars and candy” was such term, students were invited to eat in has expanded. It’s unwelcoming working today, but guess what? Fuck slightly salty voice really stole the a delightful surprise that I gasped “Stage 1: Proto-FoCo,” an austere and sterile, but necessary, like a you. This shit was dry as hell, had too show. I would compare Fast Five aloud, drawing the attention of and claustrophobic space with an free clinic with too many patients much salt on it, and then—surprise, to the Seven Wonders of the World, other spectators. The experimental ironically playful mural running to serve,” said London. “There’s a surprise. When I got to the bottom all but that would be like comparing refreshment quiz section asking through an absurdist, inconveniently balcony where you can see the art of the popcorn was wet as a slip-and- being an angel made out of pure what was “crunchy, crispy, tasty, and long entryway. “Stage 1 was a bit below you for what it is, but in doing slide on Palm Sunday with shoddy orgasms and fire-thunder to having butter drenched” had me shouting at terrifying to everyone involved,” so, you embody the spirit of FoCo, artificial butter imitation. Goddamn someone repeatedly cripple you with the screen “hot buttered popcorn, of added Baas, “but you can’t reject art and you become the exhibit more you Terrence Malick! Goddamn you, a battering ram. Fast Five’s crunchy course!” Indeed, the entire audience just because it’s unpleasant. It was than anyone,” said London. and goddamn all of your friends! I spectacle makes it the only movie followed this cinematic tour-de- part of the vision.” Contrary to the beliefs of many hate you so much! I hope you never that ever needs to exist, and it should force’s instructions and went to the The artistic director of the project be elected mayor of a small township. is Kyle London, a Californian studio have the chance to feed me bad lobby for the time of our lives. See FOCO DADA, page 9 popcorn again! artist who once studied with John Cage, George Maciunas, and Yoko Page 12 The Dartmovth SPORTS Spunday, Septober 45, 2010 Spunday, Septober 46, 2010 Men’s SportsBoys’ Sports Girls’ SportsWomen’s Sports Skiing: WinterCowboys Carnival and (Fri.-Sat., Indians: All Day)at UT (Fri. 3pm) Easy-Bake Oven:Skiing: at Winter Brown Carnival (Fri. 3pm) (Fri.-Sat., All Day) Tennis:Eating at AllECACs the (Fri.-Sun., Brownies: All Day) at Brown (Fri. 4pm) Kicking the Boys: at RightTennis: Where at ECACs it Hurts (Fri.-Sun., (Fri. All4 pm)Day) Track: atPeeing: Valentine’s in Invit. the Easy(Fri.-Sat., Back All OvenDay) (Fri. 5pm) Telling on the Boys:Track: at Momat Valentine’s and Dad Invit. (Fri. (Fri.-Sat., 6 pm) All Day) Apologizing for the Indians Joke: at Parkhurst Being Better than the Boys: at All the Time Page 12 SPORTS Tuesday, February 9, 2010 Page 12 SPORTS Tuesday, February 9, 2010 Page 12 Spunday, Septober 46, 2010

hockey player “totally closes” Pianist dangles“I am skiing loosely away, minding my own Dartmouth Coach to By Pun McPunnaMe business, and I look up and there is The Dartmovth Staff the pianist dangling above me, spew- on ’13 girl ing white stuff from his head,” said Coach Football Team There was intrigue, drama, action, charles Quander, Hanover resident, By Pun McPunnaMe and finally an exciting climax yesterday referring to the caked snow that fell proach the ’13, who prefers to remain a source close to Jason says that he The Dartmovth Staff at the Dartmouth SkiWay when the from the pianist’s helmet and goggles anonymous, along with two of her male led the ’13 upstairs where he proceeded pianist for the jazz ensemble, Smooth as he hung from the chairlift. “Keep Brings new techniques,companions, in orderpretzels to engage them in to serenade her, playing 311’s “amber” at approximately 2:30 aM on Finish, dangled dangerously from a your stuff off me, Pianist.” a game of pong. When the ’13 paused on acoustic guitar. afterward, they had Friday night Jason Morehouse, ’11, chairlift after slipping out of his seat. “I had to cover my sons eyes,” said By FUNG WAH the game to leave for a bathroom break, unsatisfying sex for three and a half scored hisThe first Dartmovth big win ofStaff the winter member the Titans about five times The pianist, by all accounts a long nikki coxenswag, Hanover resident. Morehouse seized the moment alone minutes. Jason had learned the song in season. a day," said the old lady who works and gangly fellow, had been talking “I did not want him to be disturbed by with his opponents. the weeks prior, saying that it was “a aIn member a surprise of c hi move Heorot described Fraternity, by at the front desk of the gym. In addi- to a female companion on the chairlift the amount of blood rushing to that “It was so cool,” Michael Zhang, guaranteed fucking victory strategy.” thesome second-string as "a clerical winger error," saw the an Dart op-- tion, Dartmouth Coach provides free when he leaned in too close, and she, pianist’s head. He was so purple it ’13, commented, “he said he could He celebrated the win by getting portunitymouth Coach when bus several line of has his been fraternity elect- transportation to away games held in uncomfortable with such a large pianist made me blush.” totally get us bids to dirty rush in the the ’13’s number and promising to call brothersed the new left headthe basement coach of at the approxi Varsity- the Boston or New York areas. so close to her face, nudged him away, Though the folks gathering under- spring if we would just ‘wing it’ for her in the coming week “to hang out.” matelyFootball 2 a team.M for Whilepizza. Max the Lawson Athletic Dartmouth Coach declined to causing him to lose his balance and fall neath were somewhat shocked and him. He said we were ‘bro’s’!” Jason claims hard work and hours of ‘12Department described was this atas firsta “power uncertain play” of comment on the status of the team. off of the chair. appalled, the people on the chair in The male ’13’s promptly left the practice as the reasons for his win and forthe Jason, new coach'swho proceeded unorthodox to execute strate- Instead, it sat stoically in the middle “When that pianist extended toward question seemed to think the whole basement and Jason prepared for his adds that he intends to continue “crush- onegies, of early his “go-to” results moves.have been surpris- of Memorial Field, occasionally me, I [felt my personal space] was incident was funny. final approach to the goal. ing the nut and fuckin’ closing.” inglySeveral encouraging. witnesses saw Jason ap- honking its horn and revving its en- violated,” said the female companion, “I looked down and there is another "Coach has been a really good ad- gine, as players ran plays. anna cherrytown ‘12. The new Dartmouth Coach looks onleg from stuck the between sidelines my legs,” unflinchingly recounted dition to the team," said senior co- "Yeah, Coach isn't really outspo- “I just kind of pushed him away, Michael Dingle 12’, in reference to the captain Horace Dix '11. "I mean, for ken. He only ever talks at the very and being an awkward kid, he fell off pianists leg that was hanging from the starters, he's fuckin' huge. He must beginning of practice, and he just the chair but was flexible enough to chair between his own legs. weigh like 30 tons." reminds us to turn off our cell phones swing his leg up and catch himself by “So I says to anna [cherrytown], Dartmouth Coach immediately in- and eat some pretzel sticks as he Dartmouththe end of hisWhaling ski. He just hung there ‘look, I’ve Team got a third leg,’ and she stituted a strict no cell phone policy, turns on Remember the Titans. After upside down by his ski, a big pianist says ‘no, stupid, that’s the pianist.’ and put every team member on a that, he pretty much just sits there. swinging in the winter wind.” We had a good laugh out of that, but harsh diet of only pretzel sticks and But that's good. He lets us concen- HarpoonsThe Competition pianist hung from the chair by I don’t think the pianist did, he was little bottles of Poland Spring water. trate on our own business, as long as his ski, which was still attached to his going kind of limp.” "I wasn't sure about it at first," said we don't get too rowdy.” By BUCK STARR footdards. and The wedged three-masted in between ship provedthe leg reachedThough for he comment. was unconscious on ac- The Dartmovth Staff Though he was unconscious on ac- Dix. "But Coach knows his stuff. If Thanks to Dartmouth Coach's new ofmuch his friend larger and and the much seat, slowerfor approxi than- countIn of the blood meantime, rushing to Captain his head, Hab the we all eat enough pretzel sticks, may- coaching tactics, the Varsity Football The sound of cheers and old sea matelythe other forty-five teams’ sailboats.minutes until In the addi ski- ispianist on crutches was unharmed and continues the ski patrolto look in be one day we can be as big as him." team remains optimistic about its shanties burst forth from the Rho patroltion, the was team able placed to safely second get him mostly off. heavenward,collaboration vowingwith the chair for revenge lift opera in- The Athletic Department has noted next season. Their first games will Rho Rho fraternity this Tuesday, as byThough physically he could harpooning not see the and incident sink- thetors National finally Championships.was able to lower But the just him other positive qualities about Dart- be against Greyhound College on the Dartmouth Whaling Team came whening the it happened, competition, the chairlift a move operator de- then,down awith glimmer an elaborate of something harness from and mouth Coach's appointment. "He August 27th and Peter Pan State on in second, unexpectedly, at the Re- knewscribed to as stop “unethical, the lift whenbut not the techni other- Fratpulley Row. system. Hab went to the ledge for a shows the whole team the movie Re- September 1st. gional Sailing Championships. The chairscally against bounced the wildly rules,” on accountaccording of the to closer“That look was in the a trickiestfrenzy. He pianist explained I have whole team participated in raucous pianistthe Commissioner whipping out of ofSailing, control. Freder - thatever hehad saw to unloada white [from man amongsta chairlift],” the Bored@Baker celebratory boat races and feasts of ickIt “Red”took some Beard. minutes Beard for wentthe chairlift on to crowds.said Jeff Someone Backstrom, so whitechief chairlift that he Almighty God Obliterates the day’s catch from the basement of operatorsadd, “Yarr...” and ski patrol to figure out mustoperator be at a Yalethe SkiWay. student, nay, it was the seamen’s frat. Sponsored by the just Butexactly Hab what was was upset going for aon, differ dur-- the“But very we student got him who down. had bitten He was his trolling Declared Harpoon Brewery, the team has no ingent which reason: time the people one who began got to gather away. legunscathed at the meet! too, thank God. You never Entire Cornell Football Team shortage of ale, and their sponsorship underDespite the thechair team’s in question earnest and effort,gawk, likeAt to once,see a pianist Hab ran get downstairs hurt when on it will surely increase following their unablethe crafty to look vessel away from from the a pianist Yale teamhung hisdangles crutches, like that, the endsso out of in which the open he club Sport qualification for the National Sailing soavoided boldly out Dartmouth’s in the open. multi-har- hadand free.” sharpened into harpoon barbs. withBy Pun LightningMcPunnaMe for desperate, pathetic social climbers Championships later this month. pooned attack and managed to finish He could soon be heard on the street, The Dartmovth Staff like myself.” Indeed, enrollment in the Senior co-captain Andrew Hab the race, escaping into the Atlantic yelling, “To hell’s heart I stab at By JOB MCBIBLEFACE clubThat has skyrocketed onlookers in thereafter the weeks since burst ‘11 was less than enthusiastic about Ocean. Hab was further enraged by thee!” as the drunken party at Rho Due Theto the Dartmovth overwhelming Staff popular- itsinto adoption a pile of by smoldering the athletic ash.department, the team’s performance. Instead of one particular Yale sailor, who bit Rho Rho continued long into the ity of the anonymous gossip message and studentBiblical officers scholars, have recently such held as taking part in the celebration, he into Hab’s leg during the race. night.Dharma boardOwing [email protected], to a locker room Dartmouth prayer, meetingsProfessor in Steve darkened Almott, rooms head to discuss of the stood on the roof of Rho Rho Rho “Arr, we be haven’ many rules The National Sailing Champions aeverythletics member recently instituted of the trollingCornell teamreligion jerseys department to be worn at as undershirts. Dartmouth, cursing the heavens. about sailin’,” said Commissioner will take place June 18th in the Ca- theFootball site as teama new was club eviscerated sport. It narrowly with a Initialhave found designs no way for theof discerning shirts include the The Whaling Team’s finish Beard to the parrot on his shoulder. ribbeananxious Sea, where teams will to vie for edgedchain outof electricityfencing and cast chatting by the in Lord,quiet slogansmeaning like, of God’s “club actions. Trolling: What do sparked controversy during the meet, “But we be havin’ no rules about bi- a considerable bounty. spacesOur Creator, of the library last Monday. for the the last $23 people“There think isof you?” no indication and “Dartmouth of the as they failed to meet general stan- tin’, do we?” The parrot could not be in theThe a thleticbolt came Department’s during halftime, budget. as Trolling:Lord’s favoringBecause secret of one society team lists of get more Thethe newteam sport was will beginning give students to leave the opthe- aren’tbelievers going over to demand the other themselves.” in either portunityfield. At to this abuse point, the thesite’s clouds anonymity parted the Sources New within Testament the athletic or the depart Old- forto gay a glowing hookups, hand frat thatrankings, sent ainside blue mentTestament,” confirmed Almott that the said. acquisition “I would of attention jokes,streak and of light baseless hurtling rumor-mongering down towards thesay newGod sportjust gotwas a anlittle easy too decision. worked whilethe players. receiving Pe credit. according “Weup.” knew these kids were absurdly to the“Ye course are syllabus,punished!” the the participants booming obsessiveMany over in the the sportssocial scene,” community said on campus willvoice be evaluated of Our based Savior on frequency reportedly of aarethletic hailing Director the actFrank as c anollins, “extreme “and on campus posts,said, beforeinanity retreatingof statements, back accuracy into the theoverreaction.” more students signed up for club ofHeavens. fraternity/sorority rankings, and sports,“What the betterthe hell, we Lord?”look. It Jobwas Tyler, a no- PanaMa from page 9 numberAfterwards, of times they there were was contacted a period brainer.”head coach added of c ollins, Dartmouth, “It seems said. like Shanana doesn’t seem too discour- viaof tenaIM minutes by other wherein males believerslooking for and a most“Yeah, of thisI talked college about already sending spends divine a big aged by the lack of attention, though, blowjobnonbelievers in the alikestacks. stood in silence, partstorms of the down day deciding on them—but whether that’sTDX no matter how hard we try. “If we are wondering “I’m really about thrilled the at how inexplicable quickly belongsjust something in Tier 1 we or 2,say so to we get figured the boys we just given a chance to show who we are therationale administration of their Holy put thisFather. together,” mightexcited.” as well give them credit for it. to the campus at large,” the Yomama said c“Thislub Trolling is insane!” president one 7:53:29 onlooker in academicWhen credit, contacted that is.” for c ollins’ comment, press member continued, “perhaps more anscreamed online interview, up at the “nowheavens. there’s “It’s final just- releasethe Divine had received Maker four remained, agrees and as a students will consider joining amarna lya goddamnan all-season sports club game.” sport specifically newsworthyalways, silent. as of press time. [sic] in the future.”