THE MICHIGAN REVIEW Volume 15, Number 5 The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan December 11, 1996 Michigan Party Wins Election BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE candidates) was Michigan Party can­ first) receiving the most votes with However, the UPC did generally didate Dan Serota, receiving 3,406 716 points. The Nihilists generally well, all three candidates having quite HEMICmGANPARTYHAS points. Following close behind were received around 500 to 700 points in respectable showings and placing once again emerged victori­ independents Andy Schor and Barry LSA. fourth, fifth, and eighth out of a field T ous from a Michigan Student Rosenberg, with 2,565 and 2,537 The Victors Party, running on a of twenty-one candidates. Slumber Assembly (MSA) election. Winning points respectively. Trail­ Party candidate David Bogue finished eight seats, the dominant force in the ing, but still with very sixth with 190 points. The Michigan Assembly has managed to once again strong showings, were four . Party did not do nearly as well in come out on top of the heap, running Michigan Party candi­ Engineering as it did in LSA, with its roughshod over its partisan contend­ dates, followed by the candidates placing seventh and ers. However, the Michigan Party did eighth place contender and twelth, and receiving a modest 163 not do as well against independent Crush the Purple Dinosaur and 119 points respectively. candidates, as independent candi­ Party candidate Aphrodite Again, the other four parties did dates won nine seats overall in this Nikolovski, who received a not do as well. The Students, Victors, election; their rankB including such total of 1501 points. Nihilist, and Liberty Parties were all MSA veterans as Andy Schor and However, many other "".. __ hurt again, with all their candidates Barry Rosenberg. But even with the candidates came oh-so- ~ except Victors Party candidate Adam strong independent showing, the frustratingly close to vic- . =:;:'. ' ~ '.f' ...... ,. ~.- '""'5..-:-, Silver (who placed tenth) placing in Michigan Party's victory still ensures tory, and many new par- .:.... _-=-~ the bottom half of the field. that it will virtually control the As­ ties fared relatively well in The Winter 1996 elections have sembly. the elections. In the Col- The Michigan Party spins the cube of MSA politics. brought a change to the partisan The other partisan contenders lege of LSA, Michigan makeup of the Assembly. With the were, for the most part, utterly routed Party representative Srinu Vourganti, platform promIsmg reform, did recent collapse ofthe Wolverine Party, in the election. The Crush the Purple who had been running for re-election, slightly worse than the Nihilists, with ~. the Assembly looks far different from Dinosaur Party won four seats, but came in ninth place, losing his seat in party chair Nick Kirk receiving 678 this time one year ago. A total of 17 none of the other parties were suc­ the Assembly by a mere 50 points. points and gaining twenty-third place. Independents (including former Wol­ cessful in electing any representa­ The United People's Coalition also The other candidates received be­ verines) now fill the ranks ofthe As­ tives to the Assembly. While most of did well, with candidate Ozell Hayes tween 400 and 600 points. sembly. The Michigan Party has the the parties had respectable showings, coming in tenth place, with 1355 The Liberty Party was dealt a next largest contingent by far, with a with a few representatives close to points. All of the UPC's candidates heavy blow in the election, generally grand total ofl6 representatives. The gaining a seat on the Assembly, the received over 1000 points, with Nick faring worse than other parties. Run­ Students Party has a mere 5 repre­ dominant Michigan Party continued Farr and Cherise Walker placing fif­ ning on a platform that stressed re­ sentatives on the Assembly. The to steamroll over its competition. teenth and sixteenth. The Slumber sponsible Assembly spending, volun­ Crush the Purple Dinosaur party, The Michigan Party won the open Party had both of their candidates do tary MSA fees, and other reforms, the gaining four seats in this election, is seats in Business Administration, very well, with Ted Chen and Jon Kuo Liberty Party's top vote-getter was the next largest, with the United Kinesiology, and Public Health, while coming in thirteenth and fourteenth, thirty-third place candidate Elizabeth People's Coalition only having two. watching as 5 of its candidates swept respectively. Keslacy, receiving 497 points, whereas The Liberty Party, which formerly to victory in the LSA race. The Crush The Students Party, once the main the rest ofthe candidates fared worse, held a Rackham seat until represen­ the Purple Dinosaur Party won one opposition party in the Assembly, did receiving between 240 and 440 points. tative Douglas Friedman resigned seat in LSA, one in Engineering, not fare as well, with their top vote­ In the College of Engineering, the from MSA in disgust, has none. The (David Burden, former UMEC Engi­ getter being former MSA presidential results of the balloting there were Nihilist Party, Slumber Party, and neering representative to MSA, won candidate Jonathan Freeman, who relatively different. The top vote get­ the Victors Party are also without by the skin of his teeth, beating out received 964 points and placed seven­ ters in Engineering were two inde­ representatives on the Assembly. Delano White of the UPC by three teenth. Most Students' Party candi­ pendent candidates, Mark Dub and Many of the candidates were not points) and two' seats in Rackham. dates fell in the middle of the pack, Jasmine Khambatta, with 513 and surprised by the results. David Bur­ Independents won Education, two receiving around 600 points each. 491 points respectively. David Bur­ den, victorious candidate with the Engineering seats, two LSA seats, The Nihilist Party, running a den, Crush the Purple Dinosaur party Crush the Purple Dinosaur Party, Medicine, Music, one Rackham seat, strong campaign based primarily on candidate, followed with 287 points, said, "I think it was an inevitability and Social Work. cutting the fat in the Assembly, did while Delano White, UPC candidate, that there would be close races this On the LSA ballot, the candidate moderately well, with party chair was dealt a painful defeat, coming in who received the most votes (out of 56 Andrew Serowik (who placed twenty- fourth with 284 points . Continued on page 5

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Another hilarious installment A look at the relationship Geoff takes you away to ex- Ben goes on the warpath, Show reviews, CD reviews, of Serpents Tooth along with between the Presidency and amine holiday shopping: It's attacking MSA, and warns and good ways for you to Letters to the Editor. lawsuits, and Clinton's bro- just not Christmas without you about becoming an ide- avoid what sucks. ken promises. the torpedo launchers. alist let it rot your brain.

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The Campus Affairs Journal of the o FROM THE EDITOR' :.> University of Michigan "That drinking fountain is the servant of the devil!!!!!"

EDITORIAL BOARD REETINGS! WELCOME TO pand and improve, we are still, as you good luck on your finals, and offer EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Geoff Brown another issue ofthe Michigan always, looking to recruit new blood my congratulations to those of you PUBLISHER: Pat Eskew GReview. It was fourteen years and fresh faces. Whenever asked, I who will be graduating this term. I'd MANAGING EDITOR: Benjamin Kepple ago this very month, in December always tell people, "it's never too late also like to wish all of you Happy CAMPUS AFFAIRS EDITOR: Evan Knott 1982, that the very first issue of the to join the Review." We're always look­ Holidays, and a Happy New Year. If FEATURES EDITOR: Lisa Wagner ARTS EDITOR: Tom Jolliffe Review was published and distrib­ ing for staff writers, photographers, you're anything like me at all, you're EDITOR EMERITUS: Mohan Krishnan uted on campus. Since that time, the future editors, and especially artists . looking forward to the three week Review has served to strive for the and business staffmembers. Ifyou're winter break, and the relaxation it EDITORIAL STAFF truth, and to offer an alternative point interested in joining our band of affords. Even if you're not looking ASSISTANT EDITOR: Matt Buckley of view for the campus community. As merry-makers, then by all means, forward to the litany of family inter­ SPORTS EDITOR: Mel Myers I look back over this soon-to-be-past take the time in January to stop by rogation into your future plans, you MUSIC EDITOR: Chris Hayes term, I see that the Review, while it one of our staff meetings, or watch for can always find some way to escape to PHOTO EDITOR: Reah Johnson has undergone many changes, still signs advertising our mass meeting, solitude and enjoy a couple weeks WWWEDITOR: Mark West lives up to the spirit in which it was which will be held near the end of with no deadlines, no studying, no STAFF WRITERS: Lee Bockhom, Simon Einspahr, founded. We've received a lot ofreader January. papers, and no lectures. That having EricGrinne/I, Elizabeth Keslaey, Nora Obringer, Charles feedback, and for that, I thank all of As I write this, we're just about been said, enjoy your break - you've Ottman, Drew Peters, Jade Rahmani, Maureen Sirhal, you, and ask you to keep it coming! ready to wrap up another term of certainly earned it by now. See you all Jamie Smith, Adam Starr, Daniel Succarde, Nate Teisman, Josh Trapani, Miranda West, Curtis As we like to say, "Love us or hate us, classes here at the U-M. Hopefully next month! Zimmermann. write us." you will find the Review an informa­ As we enter our fifteenth year of tive, relaxing, and entertaining study EDITOR EMERITUS: James A. Roberts, II publication, it is my hope that we will break. We have our usual line-up of EDITOR-AT -LARGE: Geraldo Armando-Ruiz not only stay the course, but also to news and commentary for you this BUSINESS STAFF continue expanding and improving. time out, as well as our extra special Our aim is to print the best journal we Holiday pull-out section, featuring PUBLISHER & BUS. MGR.: Pat Eskew can - and we need you to let us know some Christmas carols, revised Re­ STAFF: Joe Lester, Scott Russel, Josh Stern how we're doing. view style. As we continue our quest to ex- In closing, I'd like to wish all of The Michigan Reviewis an independent student-run jour- ". _~I of moderately conselVative and cMllibertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations from the U-M, and have no respect for anyone who does. We're also getting extremely frightened o ROVING PHOTOGRAPHER by Reah Johnson about that thing in our refrigerator now. We think it has Evan. Help us. Please. By the way, contributions to the Michigan Review are tax-

Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial What's Your New Year's Resolution? board. Ergo, they are unequivocably correct and just. Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opin­ ions of the author and not necessarily those of the Review. The opinions presented in this publication are not neces­ sarily those of the advertisers or of the University of Michigan. We welcome letters, articles, and comments about the journal, as well as burgers from Blimpy Burger Matt Roelle (pret. quintw/cheddar, bacon, onions, mushrooms, ketchup, Jen.Lillis mustard, mayo, and pickles on an onion roll, please). L.S.A. Sophmore Engineering Junior Major: Mech. Engineering Please address all advertising and subscription inquiries Major: Undecided to: Publisher c/o the Michigan Review. "To avoid voice mail, pep to "I am going to stop saying the same things over and Editorial And Business Offices: tablets, razor blades and 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One everything else that reminds being so redundant. " Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 me of the crisping process. " EMAIL: [email protected] I:· .::,;;. -..... : :i~. Tel. (313) 662-1909 Fax (313) 936-2505 llll;·;:::::/;.::!:. tf;:;;;:i::!... " . l:ili\~ffi\\/~~. 'iii. Copyright 0 1996, by Tho Mlchlgan Review, Inc. All right. reserved.

Tho Michigan RlIVlew i •• member 01 the Colleglale Network.

Sammy Sam Kirk Radhika Aggarwal

L.S.A. Freshman L.s.A. Sophmore ': :., I .:

Major: Undecided Major: Undecided :; ! ~! "This New Year is gonna be "My New Year's resolution terrific! I'm gonna get an­ is to not come up with any The Michigan Review other job to support my $800 stupid quips for random Letters to the Editor a month phone-sex bill. people who ask me to. " 911 N. University Ave. Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109 or email with subject "Letters to

, , '1" ,., ,tile.Editor": mrev@l,Jmich.edu , ",

_<,_<",> ___<"~",_,_,,,,,", ",, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,x,,,,,,,,,,,,,__ ,,,., ..... , __ ,,,.,.<,, -'.. """"'w"'~w"',,~~-'" ::;;;:;;:;;:00 :mnum:;z;;:;;;::; # MG December 11, 1996 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW 3

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Recently, College Republican mem­ Our Washington bureau has informed Recently, former Clinton hired gun ber and outspoken conservative Jim TOP TEN THINGS THE us that due to the resignations of James Carville announced that he MICIDGAN INDEPENDENT Riske decried QUP member Ryan most of Clinton's first term Cabinet, would embark upon a rigourous cam­ WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS LaLonde as an unsafe blood donor he now has a Cabinet that looks like paign to discredit independent coun­ due to his homosexuality. However, America - none ofthem support him sel Kenneth Starr for right-wing par­ 10. Enough lTD printing money so they Red Cross officials today stated that either. tisan leanings in his investigation of can . ~ctually print on alternate Tues­ Riske's own blood sample was unfit numerous Clinton scandals. Terrific, days. for the nation, as it was full of, among Review Editor-at-Large Geraldo we have a lunatic ex-marine who 9. An office that isn't in the sub·base· other things, "an icky brown sludge." Armando-Ruiz was recovering nicely ment ofthe Perry Building (where-ever would sell his own mother and his that is.) until he was kidnapped by irate edi­ credibility to the devil to get Bill 8. A permanent staff greater than six. In her ~ost recent Friday column, tors at the Michigan Independent. Clinton elected, trying to trash a well 7. A revolutionary phrasebook contain­ Daily columnist Katie Hutchins tear­ Claiming that "We are the way of the respected former solicitor general of ing trite phrases of little worth. fully wrote that she had finished her future and have begun our glorious the United States. What was that 6. Section headings other than "Depart­ last all-nighter. If that's the case, revolution against the Right-wing about partisan leanings? ments." does this mean that we will be spared Evildoers!" the Independent then 5. A funny "Report Card." from any more of her columns? holed up in their office in the sub­ As we all know, MSA spent $6,407 on 4. Even more titles for one person on basement ofthe Perry Building. Man­ miscellaneous office supplies last year. their staff to hold at the same time. We've heard that when new U-M aging Editor Benjamin Kepple was This grand sum of $6,407 could buy: 3. A distribution staff that will actu'ally deliver to the same places consistently. President Bollinger takes over, CFO severely injured in the Review's res­ Womack will be among many of the 2. Distribution stands of their very cue effort in an accident involving a 4,609 really cool PILOT pens. own, instead of putting their rag in a Powers That Be who shall depart. pie plate, the boiler room, and a Taco 20,002 postage stamps much better paper's stands. However, Maureen Hartford is likely Bell Chicken Fajita Wrap, whereas 457,650 sheets of high-grade to stay on her perch ofinquisition. Oh, Editor-in-Chief Geoff Brown stated, Hammermill copy paper. and most of all... goody. We lose the best bloody CFO "The Independent editors are a bunch 19,221,000 staples 1. More than 500 readers. this University ever had, and we get of miscreants! Those meddling kids 12,814 computer disks to keep the one person who goes out of will give back Geraldo if they know 213,567. envelopes (Qur best wishes to Anthony Scaglione, her way to strip our civil liberties and what's good for them!" The Indepen- . but as for the rest of you, you are in our rights. · h sights.) dent had no reply. S ure, t h ey need t h e money. RIg t.. . .. --l''- _____...... ______....J o LEITERS TO THE EDITOR OU STUPID S_TS, end there, but now it is 4:00 am and I backed, existence program, you dis­ traying an ambitious Michigan Re­ I condemn your paper and all am being forced to write this letter. tort both the effects of social pro­ view editor named Thirsty B. Howell, Y associated with it to hell. It is First I have to read this excrement, grams and the demography of the the 3d: a hard-drinking, sheltered obvious that this publication is sim­ then write what I think of it? populations who benefit from them. white millionaire who criticizes op­ ply a front for a .extremist right wing In order to end the torture, I will You realize, of course, that the posing political viewpoints and group. This group is trying to estab­ tell you what I think. I love this paper. majority of those on welfare in this lifestyles without ever thinking about lish a dictatorship through preven­ It is a refreshing and thought provok­ country are white. I assume that you poverty, or indeed, anything outside tion of education for the masses. Well, ing alternative to the Daily, which is also know that the majority ofMrican the suburbs his parents wealth you've won this battle, but not the always trying to ram its PC liberal Americans don't buy gangsta music brought him into. Naturally, this im­ war. I'm on to you like the diverse opinions down my throat (Not that I and frequently dissociate themselves age is inaccurate and unfair: can it be colors on Skittles (this phrase is used don't agree with some ofthem, but the from its violent representations of justified ifsome readers find it funny? because we all know that white on way in which they are presented is African American life. What about I expect that you will attempt to rice is an outdated phrase originated often childish, to say the least). Ijust our campus? I believe that something label my letter simply another ex­ by the klan to oppress people of color.) wish it came out more often. Thank like one studenbn four is a minority ample of political correctness, vague You are clearly trying to lower my you, and please keep up the good on this campus: would you really as that term may be. Far from it. I GPA by preventing me from doing my work. suggest that whites aren't the prime don't think your speech should be work, thus condemning me to a life­ beneficiaries of services from library modified, repressed or restricted in time of indentured servitude while -CHRIS LEJA privileges to financial aid and health any way. In fact, I'd be glad to hear the few associated with your right ENGINEERING SoPHOMORE care? Surely the majority groups on how you might justify what you wrote. wing group watch Rush Limbaugh the campus enjoy a majority of the Let the open and public debate begin! and smoke cigars (These are of course I 'M WRITING IN RESPONSE benefits? provided to you by the tobacco compa- to a blurb in today's (i.e. Nov. Your piece engages in a kind of -JIM BLENKO nies in return for your souls.) On with 20th) Serpents Tooth. In it, you sloppy symbolic shorthand: people fucKHAM the point of this letter. I was minding criticize the University's efforts to ex- .urging that the University should my own business, heading to the com- pand its services and programs, an extend more benefits are depicted as Think the Review is the best thing puter lab (I mean ResComp) in my issue that certainly seems well worth black gangstas. Such symbolism, even since canned beer? Or do you think dorm (again, sorry, Residence Hall) raising. in jest, really does a disservice to the the Review should be condemned to type a paper when I saw that the I was disturbed, however, by the complexities of the situation and the to a really nasty perdition? How­ new edition of your sorry excuse for a symbols you chose to support your diversity ofthe people involved. What­ ever you feeL .. paper was out. Because of some mor- satiric point. By linking the fictional ever its intentions may have been, the bid fascination with the excrement Sapac Shakur and the Nuthin' But a imprecision and failed humor of your that composes this paper, I was forced Gangsta Party to groups supporting blurb perpetuate tired and inaccu­ WRITE US. to stop my work and read this piece of social programs and your comprehen- rate stereotypes. [email protected] crap.-I-t-lWugh't·the 9~pr~8iOri-w,QWd . . _ siv:e; cradle . to grave, University It would almost be like, say, por-

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1oI'C.1< NO! ~ CQI.\OOL.O VCff. ~~ \l'ER~ ..,\1,0 "'II.~ Presidential ImmunitY? ~"f£C.T OI)R 1~6~~. MOT ~ VIIU)6!.! F ALL THE POTENTIAL WEAPONS GOP PRESIDENTIAL candidate Robert Dole failed to use last election, the "character issue" Owas the deadliest. Clinton stories are already the stuff oflegends. Of all the Clinton scandals, however, the Paula Jones lawsuit has the largest implications, and our nation must tread carefully. If the Supreme Court allows Jones' civil case to proceed, the implications could be devastating. . Jones' allegations are damning if true. In a recent New Republic article, Carl Cannon sums the story up. A David Brock article for the American Spectator on Clinton's sexual habits included allegations by Arkansas state troopers. The troopers told of a rendezvous between Clinton and a "Paula"; after the tryst, the trooper claimed, "Paula" offered to be Clinton's girlfriend. Jones carne out, claiming that the Spectator's article was wrong on two counts. First, Jones alleges that she was never a Clinton "girlfriend." Second, and at issue, is Jones' claim that Clinton groped her and propositioned her for oral sex - and issued veiled threats when she refused. This is textbook sexual harassment. Jones sued, seeking damages from Clinton. If this were some private individual, he would probably treat this as a nuisance suit and settle. As many journalists (including Cannon) note, ~------~ Clinton cannot settle. Anything less than all-out victory tarnishes the President with allegations of sexual misconduct. Hasta la vista, gender gap. Cannon notes that Clinton's lawyer, Robert Bennett, plans to use precedent ·0 COMMENTARY from a 1982 Supreme Court decision, Nixon u. Fitzgerald. Cannon's otherwise excellent article fails to note that this precedent leaves Clinton on shaky ground. Fitzgerald provides only a limited immunity. In the 5-4 decision, Justice Powell wrote that "[t)he president cannot ... be liable to arrest, Clinton Must Address Medicare imprisonment, or detention while he is in the discharge ofhis office, and, for this purpose, his person must be deemed, in civil cases at least, to possess an official ILL CLINTON'S RE-ELECTION HAS NOT COME WITHOUT A inviolability." Sounds good for Clinton, huh? serious price. Besides the ell.Qr.mous gender gap, Bill Clinton managed Wrong. Powell clearly stated that the immunity exists only in cases where B to carry 49 percent of the-senior citizen vote over Mr. Dole's 41 percent a civil suit concerns "a President's official acts." Finding any justification under on election day. However, these results should come as little surprise when one which the Jones allegations fall under "official acts" is difficult - he was not considers the Clinton campaign's raw demagoguery in touting the "Me disc are" President at the time, nor do these allegations fit any definition of"official acts." issue. In the wake of two government shutdowns, both Republicans and Furthermore, in a concurring opinion, Chief Justice Burger eschewed Democrats seem to be making strident efforts to act cooperatively in cranking claims of vast immunity. "A President, like [other governmental officials) - all out the national agenda. While this bipartisan approach might last through the having absolute immunity - are not immune for acts outside official duties," first year of Mr. Clinton's second term, the American public can surely expect Burger wrote. This clearly shows the extent of immunity under Fitzgerald. As another divisive budget battle. Unless the Clinton administration decides to for the Fitzgerald dissent, the claim made is that the President should be liable seriously address the impending Medicare crisis, the popular health insurance to civil suits while in office - there is no support there for Bennett's argument. program for senior citizens along with numerous other discretionary government With Fitzgerald, then, Bennett is running straight at a brick walL This is programs will face serious threats of financial collapse. a shame. While we at the Review have serious questions about our sitting In 2011, the first Baby Boomers will reach age 65. The financial strain President, allowing the trial to proceed would set a dangerous precedent. facing Medicare is tremendous. In 1995, the system ran a small deficit earlier A President is more than just a private citizen; claims that this action than expected, and is now predicted to hit zero balances in the Trust Fund by should be treated like any private civil suit miss the point. The President May of 200l. The imminent disaster surrounding Medicare's accelerating manages the day-to-day operations of our polity. His ability to proceed is collapse poses several significant challenges to both current recipients and essential. While the Review's list of Clinton policy criticisms is long, Clinton's future generations. Although estimates of payroll tax increases necessary to need to make policy decisions is unquestionable. maintain the current Medicare system vary with predictions offuture economic The dangers of a civil trial are obvious. Clinton would need to provide growth, it is safe to say that fmancing the Trust Fund would essentially turn depositions and testimony. Jones' claims to know details about the President's the Boomers' children into slaves. However, simply recognizing this looming sexual anatomy will require Presidential attention. This is clearly a distraction burden for future generations is not enough. Once the Boomers realize they - it would be impossible for a President to remain focused on official duties. cannot obtain comprehensive government-supplied health insurance without More generally, allowing civil cases to proceed opens a Pandora's box. Civil bankrupting their children, they will face almost no chance of receiving post­ cases work under lower standards of proof than cri1llinal trials. If anyone could retirement insurance from former employers. The only way in which this crisis file a civil suit against the President, the problems would be enormous and time­ can be addressed is through sound, pragmatic bipartisan collaboration. consuming. In his Fitzgerald dissent, Justice Blackmun pooh-poohs this, Unfortunately, Medicare is the third rail of American politics- touch it and claiming that "Congress remains free to address this problem [of nuisance you die. Clinton, choosing short-term personal gain over long-term principles suits)" by regulating the ability to file such suits. Blackmun's position is that will better serve the common good, decided to blast congressional untenable. To expect that a President of one party would be supported in this Republicans for so-called "cuts" in Medicare. After the Republicans implemented matter by a Congress of another party is ludicrous. Placing the question of a 7% increase in Medicare spending, the DNC decided to spend millions of immunity in the realm of shifting'contemporary politics invites disaster. dollars on several thousand television ads intended to frighten senior citizens As a practical matter, making Jones wait is acceptable. Jones waited for dependent on Medicare. The end result of this untruthful smear campaign has years after the alleged misconduct to come forward. There is no reason that this produced a second Clinton term in office along with a gigantic stigma on suit cannot wait until Clinton returns to private life. Justice is only delayed, and Medicare reform. It should come as no surprise that both parties will look to only due to extreme circumstances. Jones will have her day in court. other government programs in determining ways to reduce the federal budget It is important to note that this will not grant absolute immunity. Criminal deficit. As Senate majority leader Trent Lott proclaimed, "The President has proceedings, with their higher standards, could proceed against the President. the first at bats". Republican leaders must remain firm in forcing Mr. Clinton The harm ofletting the Jones case proceed outweighs any gains from letting it to sacrifice major parts of his domestic agenda if the looming Medicare crisis is proceed .. We hope .that . the. Court wilL recognize .these concerns. and grant to be prolonged. At the very least) Mr. Clinton must address the one serious Clinton temporary immunity from the Jones suit:' Ml issue he h$ continually avoided and stigmatized. Ml ·-Evan Knott

~_~·'. • '''·I''''M __• __ _ ~._""",___ \~ ~ " 4'~~~ fi('!!!'l("i:M'iK rp~ December 11, 1996 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW 5 Michigan Party Wins Election

,\~ '. Continued from page 1 reached for comment. \', • directly fund school and collegiate cent, Public Health at 2.4 percent, • '\I'~ fall, since there would be so many The ballot proposals put before student governments, was soundly Rackham at 1.7 percent, and the candidates running." the student body were also a volatile defeated by a margin of 2199 to 673 School of Social Work, last but not Nihilist Party chair Andrew issue this election, with heated and votes. The fourth proposal, an amend­ least, with 3,7 percent turnout. Serowik responded that "I don't think prolonged debate raging over the ment that allows lessees of Univer­ Angie Blake, Elections Director it's a question of our party doing as merits of each proposal. Three of the sity housing to be included as mem­ for MSA, said that "I believe the re­ well as others. There were only two funding proposals dealt with student bers of student groups while not nec­ sults of this election were very similar parties that actually won any seats. funding, whereas the fourth dealt with essarily being students at the time, to past fall elections, 12 percent has The Michigan Party, to put it nicely, a change to the MSA Compiled Code. was passed by the comfortable mar­ been the average turnout for LSA. is an election machine, whose pri­ Out of the three funding proposals, gin of 1714 to 880. Music, on the other hand, broke a mary goal seems to be putting people the most highly debated, the Project Turnout in this election ranged voter record. There were more votes on the Assembly." SERVEIBlack Volunteer NetWork re­ from surprising to incredibly pathetic cast this term than ever before (or at Slumber Party chair David Bogue quest for a $1.50Iterm fee for funding (even for an MSA election,) depend­ least along time, as far as 1am aware.) was more direct about the results. was defeated by a slim margin, 1569 ing on which school you examine. The Engineering was also high!" "We feel that the Slumber Party did to 1487 votes. Had the ProjectSERVEI Music school had a full 20 percent Looking back upon the election, it great in the elections. We had many Black Volunteer Network request turnout, whereas the school ofMedi­ might appear that the old maxim hils people tell us that they support a passed, the $1.50/term funding would cine had an abysmal 0.01 percent held, that "nothing has changed." West Coast offense, and that was all have appeared as a line item on the turnout, according to official MSA However. things have changed. The we could really ask for. As for doing as MSA budget, not only rendering it turnout figures. The two largest Assembly, while still dominated by well as the other parties? Well, the untouchable to change, but also open­ schools, LSA and Engineering, had the Michigan Party and pro-Michi­ imperialistic dogma which manifests ing the door for any student group relatively normal to high turnout, with gan Party independents, is now also itself in its own preservation, narcis­ that wished to put such a proposal on LSA coming in at 12.25 percent and comprised of far more independent sism, and philistine pig ignorance, the ballot the means to do so. The Engineering at 16.35 percent. The representatives than ever before. Par­ a.k.a. the Michigan Party, may have second proposal submitted by the other schools had lower turnout, with tisanship on the Assemblyhasnatu­ won this battle, but as for the war? I Michigan Student Assembly to the Architecture at 1.53 percent, Art at rally decreased, with the ' Michigan doubt it. The only reason they won is student body asking for an additional 2:0 percent, BUSiness at 0.86 percent, Party only holding 16 seats on the because we decided against handing $l/term fee increase for the stated Dentistry at 0.20 percent, Education Assembly and the opposition parties out lollypops in the Diag." prime purpose of funding student at 6.78 percent, Kinesiology at 3 per­ holding a grand total of 11 seats. With Despite numerous and repeated groups was passed, 1811 to 1240 votes. cent, Law at 0 ~ 37 percent, Natural the new makeup of the Assembly, it is attempts, victorious candidates from The final fee proposal, asking for an Resources at 8.25 percent, Nursing at quite possible that the change de­ the Michigan Party could not be additional $lIterm in student fees to 2.8 percent, Pharmacy at 5.29 per- manded may very well occur. Ml

'M" . .. , · ~ · ··S········ ······· I\ ;~:· · : ' E· · ': · ';"'L· '~c" ,~,- t;-r;~t · O· ' ·i}:t "·1\l :" Dt1:i" : S· · ·'·· ·" ··,rU···'·~~~T 'T'Q .' .:' ' . ", >' .0., :' ". .' ..Il.Iv:: :i·I .

.: '," :0." !.: ~~ ", ..~ . ". ~::,:",: R.e~ts: College of LS&A pk\::~' ;~~E;:' ·': io~~i?f~~~~ring , '. ..•...... The Winners (number of points received) pan S~ rota ", Michigan Party 3406 Mark Dub . ";: ' .. IDd~~ndent , \;l, 513 .,\ Jl,c:lY Schor ~" Independent 2565 Jasmine Khambatta Indepedent " ;'; ;'i:!':::" 491 )aijy Rosenberg . Independent 2537 David Burden Crush the Purple D.inosatiJ" P"axty 28;7 'ennifer Genovese ...... ':' Michigan Party 2531 '1 '_" : ' ichaelNagrant.;j, .·· .;: Michigan Party 2451 anLtica~'" -: .". '.. , " ';~ <' Michigan Party 1931 . Ra~k.h~ · )oug Yatter ., i';' . .' ':";' ~ichlgan Party 1583 , '. " ,phrodite ; N~ol~Yski •. " ' Ciush the Purple Dinosaur Party 1501 . Joshua Trapani .. . Independenf m"~!~' ..' 108 " '. I. ", ". ," BALLOT PROPOSALS ' " Dean Chung ., , ~> .Crush the PUrPle Dmosaur 102' ,,: ' ,,~, .... > .. ~ .. \.. . ":'. ::,'Michael Pniew~ki :,;::"" CruSnthe'Purple Dinosaur 100 Proj~ct Servel.JlVi'l (F~) . ' ,'" , ' '; ', .,' "' ~ .' ',', ' f ' ' . " .," ",,;', . ·· Sc:bo61c;.fBusiness Administration YES ' 148~'t ;;"'. ." .AleX'Pa-vlovsky Michigan Party NO 1569 :~'r

MSAlBPC (PASSED) School of Education Rajeshri Gandhi Independent YES 1811 NO 1240 School of Medicine Pau'iine Lim Independent Co~itutioDal AJlumdment(P:ASSED) " ,~, )'./ .~,f,: " ': ' ~<" : ' ,, ' ,, "" :': :~, "';::::';: ":" " ", ',";u ' ·,' ·.·· .. ·.·'i';·.:' : YES,. ·J 714' ;;' . ...t i':f.irf';; INO ' :'\; 880 ";,6;." ."" ,, \ ' ::~Ii::~ji," ~':~J>::; ....." 'Sc.}iQPUCollege ~vt F:ee Increase (FAILED) :fts': ' ~i~:~" ;i,\i;~~;;L~*' , ..

~ ( ~ ~ ' .( .. ' \ \ , ~ , ~ • I l . ', ' ~ .. { , • -: ~I " ( \ .f. .. ,-. r .... -. , .. . ~. ( t r r t ~ , ' ;

--- ..-,~-. - -.~--, ' . -.. -,-,.--.,,--.-.-""- Jt;: .""~-;::-,.;;~ , . """"""~ • ." ".,,, ,,,, .. '" '''· >I < ~ ~ '' ' --'''-''~'·'·' 'W '' '' ''. -''''-'''''''''''''''''''''''''''~·-N . ...--."""'~"- .....'''''''' ''''''.. ' '~N\<''''',~_'''','''... IJ(mOI-,~.. . ",_~ _, __ 6 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW December 11,1996 o ROLL UP FOR THE MYSTERY TOUR I Got Yer 'Bah Jlumbug' Right Here! ·f

BY GEOFF BROWN the crowds of people, who apparently thus depriving you of a place to park. nizing every slip of paper in their take moron pills that make them drive possession alphabetically before leav­ OWDY FOLKS! IT'S THAT erratically (and park horribly too - I • PEDESTRIAN SPREADER. This ing. You will feel a strong compulsion time again. The holiday sea­ swear sometimes it's like rabid fer­ device could be deployed to push an­ to kill this person. For this reason, it H son is upon us. Unfortunately rets have been valet parking people's noying pedestrians out of the way in is necessary to carry: for those of us who are college stu­ cars for them) and block aisles in parking lots. We've all had the prob­ dents (like me, I think) that also means department stores for days so that lem of being in a hurry, and wanting • TRANQUILIZER DARTS. These that finals season is upon us. And, as you can't get by usually when you're to park the car and get the hell inside will be invaluable. You can render we all know, the only thing worse in the biggest hurry so YOU HAVE the store, except we couldn't because unconscious any annoying shoppers, than holiday shopping is taking fi­ TO KILL THEM AND HURL THEIR a group ofpedestrians decided it would and especially hyperactive children nals. And the only thing worse than BODIES WITH A NICE BIG CATA­ be a good idea to fan out all the way shrieking in holiday glee at Mighty finals is - well, nothing's worse than PULT INTO ... Oh. (Ahem). Sorry. I across the driving lane instead of Morphin Power Rangers and Barney finals, really. Personally, I'd rather get really emotional sometimes. Any­ walking off to the side so that cars the Satanic Dinosaur . Not that I don't undergo appendectomy with a dull way, reason (2) is that we never seem could get by. The Pedestrian Spreader like children. I actually do. Except in plastic spoon without benefit of anes­ to know exactly what to get that "spe­ would end this problem. Once acti­ stores near Christmas time. thetics wide awake while being forced cial someone" for the holidays. Atleast, vated, it would bump unwanted pe­ to watch reruns ofthat "Steve Urkel" I never do. In any event, here are destrian interference off to the side. Okay, so now you're in the mall, show than take finals. Thanks to my some tips for Surviving the Holidays, and you're prepared to do some shop­ several years as a student at this fine because no matter how much you love .REAR-MOUNTED SMOKE­ ping. The only obstacle you face now institution, I've taken many finals the holiday season, there are many SCREEN SPREADER. This will is: What Sort of Gifts Do I Buy? I'd here. They all sucked. All ofthem. Not forces at work in the world that will keep opportunistic, potential parking offer to help you out here, but I'm not that I'm bitter. annoy and frustrate you to the point spot thieves from sneaking up and much of a shopper myself. I never Anyway, I suppose that the com­ where you make the Grinch That Stole taking your spot. It will also allow you know what to get people for any given ing offinals does hail the long awaited Christmas look like Mother Theresa. to evade annoying police officers that occasion, regardless ofhow well I know winter break, and the holiday season. want to question you about the 13 them. So you're on your own here. I don't know about y'all, but I always Trayellimr to the Mall vehicles that mysteriously vaporized Sorry. liked the holiday season. Oh, I know This is definitely a hazardous ac­ at the comer ofState and Eisenhower In any event, having gotten the I'm supposed to write this "bah hum­ tivity. In order to safely make it to the when you happened to be in the area. evil shopping out of the way, you can bug,'" "holidays suck,'" anti-Christmas mall or other place of holiday pur­ proceed to the good stuff, such as: season column like the rest of my chasing, you need to be well prepared. • LOTS OF CDs. Because you too fellow "Generation X" columnists have Here are some supplies that will help will be tired of hearing the incessan:r'~ • GIVING mOSE GIFTS YOU taken to doing, but I'm not goijlgto do you make it there safely. Christmas carols they play over and FOUGHT SO BARD TO GET. They that. I really do like the holiday sea­ over again on the radio as it gets say that it's better to give than to son. It's a nice break from the rigors of • FENDER-MOUNTED TORPE­ closer to Christmas. I actually enjoy receive, and I've always been one to classes. It generally means I can get DOES. You will need these when you Christmas carols until it gets to the agree. Not that receiving is bad or far enough away from campus to not get out into the main roads and find point where I've heard "Rockin' anything, mind you, but it does feel be prosecuted under the Code. I get to them full of holiday shoppers who Around the Christmas Tree" about better to give someone something, see my family. I also actually like apparently graduated the "Ray 53,000 times. unless you gave them something that Christmas itself. Some people say it's Charles Driving School," because they they feel is stupid (as evidenced by gotten too commercialized. Perhaps it cannot seem to drive well to save their Shoppin, the listless remark, "Oh. Thanks," has, to a point - I do still dread own lives. In fact, the holiday season Once you actually get to the mall, etc.) in which case it's not all that Christmas shopping. But Christmas seems to attract people who haven't youll find it chock full ofinsane people much fun. is a great time for those who can see seen the light of day for eons, because wandering around the place, fleeing past the commercialism and the jaded nobody seems to know how to drive. from store to store in search of gifts • BEING WITH FAMILY. Yes, we criticisms. Of course, it can be diffi­ An abnormal number ofholiday shop­ for various relatives and friends. Al­ always grumble about this kind of cult for those of us who don't like pers also display signs of"green-light most without question, they have com­ thing, but for most of us, unless we braving the malls for holiday gift­ distraction syndrome," wherein the pletely lost all vestiges of brain func­ grew up in the Menendez family, it's buying or the constant barrage of reia­ information that the traffic light has tion and common sense. They will probably not as bad as we say it is. tive-related inquiries Gike Aunt Edna just turned green takes up so much clog aisles, stop inexplicably in the asking "So what exactly do you plan to time that by the time they do proceed, middle ofcrowded passageways, hav­ • EATING OBSCENE AMOUNTS do after you graduate???"). So, as a the light is starting to tum yellow. ing made no attempt to get out of the OF FOOD. This is always fun. Many public service, I have decided to offer Perhaps three cars out ofthe approxi­ way. They will be in front ofyou at the people end up eating lots of turkey y'all my Guide to Surviving the Holi­ mately twenty billion vehicles lined cash register, buying things with a and Christmas cookies and drinking day Season. So get ready. The Magi­ up in front of you actually proceed total cost greater' than that of the lots of egg nog to the point of food cal Mystery Tour is Dying to Take You through the light. This is a definite gross domestic product of Peru, and coma. They then sit back and watch Away. Next stop: The holidays. problem, and the source of much frus­ they will, of course, either write a football games and lose conciousness. One of the less pleasant aspects of tration to a non-idiot driver like your­ check, slowly, or pay by credit card, This is definitely cool. Unless it in­ the Yuletide season is the shopping self. Whatever will you do about this both removing the card slowly and volves fruit cake, which, according to for the "perfect gift" for that "special problem? Simple. Ifyou could get front replacing it in their wallet slowly, a theory I have, is the substance in someone" that they'll "cherish forever," fender-mounted torpedoes installed then they will peer at the charge slip which scientists found life from Mars. or until they go to "return it the next on your car, you could clear up minor like it is written in Sanskrit and sign day" for "something else." But I "di­ trailic problems instantly by vaporiz­ it, slowly. If, by some miracle, they do In any event, we're in the home gress." Anyway, the main reasons that ing every car that takes more than payin cash, they will take an intermi­ stretch now. Classes are over, and gift shopping is so unpleasant are (1) five seconds to decide to move through nably long time to remove the bills, soon the holiday break will be upon the light. These torpedoes will also count them, hand them to the cashier, us. Enjoy it, regardless of what your ,~ In the yuletide spirit, Geoff is mainly make it possible for you to clear out and then place their change back in religion is, or who you are. I sure will. happy to be. done with finals. Email parking spaces occupied by insolent their wallets. They will then put on Good luck on your finals, and have a holiday cheer to him at jerks who park across two parking their winter coats and plan out the great break, and Merry Christmas! sp~ceswhen the whole place is packed, next thre~ ~eeks :oft~ir lives; ~tta:' ' HoliCiays and see nextyear. Ml, gmbrowri/i!h.mJ.lCh.edu , ... " YaH I

~'"

----.~::=.:~':.::;::':.:;::;:;;::::-~~;;-~~.;;..~":,.,..,~,.,...,~~;=~- ~~ Maureen's Christmas Carol (fChristmas'Eve, )J1lartjordsput­ (ft]Jut, but, why are youliere?!?" "'lJr. Sfiapiro!" sfie el(!{aimed. BY GEOFF BROWN tered to lierseif. uWfiat a puny idea. uMaureen, I must sfww you tIie (f9l[p, Maureen, JI the spirit re­ (WITH APoLOGIES TO CHARLES DICKENS) I fiave a £ot ofstudents to prosecute error ofyour ways. :You fiave dedi- pfietf. HI am the YfwstofCodePast. JJ ~ now drifted down fazi{y here. It's not fi~ I can {%ewfiat?/J sfiequeried. KrJ1lfiat ~------~ ~ from the stq; in {affle, puffy trust tIie 'United States is going on? .9l.nd why don't tfiese wliite f[a~ as Maureen 1lartjord CriminafJusticeSystem . - peopk seem to notice we're here?" [abo red into the dar~ foneEy fwurs to do tIie job. )J {ffJJiey can't see us, Maureen," of the niglit of cliristmas 'Eve in a .9l.nd witli tliat, ({Sfiapiro" responded. ('5'Lsfor wliat's near[y empty ~feming t]JuiUing. Jts 1lartford continued going on: I am the yfwst ojCode (Vice President for Student .9l.ffairs, througli tIie niglit, sliuf Past. I am here to help demonstrate it je[[ to 1lartford to oversee tlie fang tlirougli Code the Code's effect on stutients. J) l1niversity of Midiigan's Code of documents, and sen­ "t]Jut there wasn't any Code tliis Student Conduct. tencing fiapfess defen- . fong ago!" Maureen £!l(![aimed.

{lPrecise[y, II the yliost of Code "Time to go yet, ma'am?" in­ dants to fates many dii LI______. ______-----' quired Jtssistant 'Vice Presitfent for not deserve. It contin- Past replied. {(9I[ptice fww mucli Student.9l.ffairs Mary Lou.9l.ntieau ued fi~ this for several fwurs until cated yourse[j to e~anding the fiappier tliese students are." as she entered 1lartford's office. finaUy she paused for a moment to Code, and to restricting stuientC!# «:Yes, /J Maureen saiC£ ({but foo/( ('}{p, "responded Maureen. «We stretcfi. It was at that moment she fi6erties, and to conducting{anga­ at tfiem. %ere's no way that the liave many more Code cases to pro­ saw something move in tIie corner roo courts, wit/iout giving mucli 'University can control their fives. cess, and many peopk to banisli to ofher eye. she whirfet{ about in her tfiouglit to wfiat you were actuaff:g Jtru{ besides, students are perfectEy the tfeptlis of the Code yufag. %e cfiair, but nobody was tliere. It was doing. )J fiappy now, even with the Code. " staff ojthe Micliigan ~view afone tlien that she heard a souru£ far­ (f I f;rwwwfiat I'm doing. I fqww HIs thatso?"%e yfwstojCotie represents a [affle cliun/( ofour case offyet seemingEy riglit there in the it is riglit. /J . Past as~d. {(I thin/( you need to foaa. n room. It was tIie sound ofmoaning ((t]Jut wfiat about ci1Ji{ fi6erties, foo/( at this. " «'But, 'Dr. 1lartford;" .9l.ntieau and rattfing cfiains. Maureen?" Witli that, another ffasli oj protesteC£ "it's Cliristmas 'Eve. We "Wlio 's tlie re ? ! ? " ye{[e d ({wfiat about them?!/J she de­ figliteti obscured Maureen's vision sfwuU be fwme witli our jami[ies!" Maureen. She was aEmost certain mandea. ({Jts fong as tfiese kjis five and wlien it subsided; slie founa (('Bali, liumbug, JJ :;{artford de­ that slie was tlie onEy one kft in the under my roofi they UJi[{f0{fow my fierse[j in the secret Code yufag, c[area. "We fiave wor/( to do. '}{pw ~feming t]JuiUing. rufes!" focateti deep witliin the forests oj get busy." .9l.t tfiat moment agfwstEy ap­ ({Maureen, I must ta~ you on a '}{prtfi Campus. Standing neKJ to '(Lookt II Jtntieausaid; ttl under- parition materiaazedfrom tliin air. journey toniglit. It wi[[ be a very lier was an apparition that fook?d stand the importance of fiaving a It foo/(ei famifiar to Maureen. It informative journey into your past, e~act[y li/(e Interim President Code and denying stutfents their foo~a fi/(e, fi~- present, andfuture. JJ 1lomer 9{eaf. civil uberties - fww ef'se wouUwe "Jim? Jim .9l.nd with that affasli of figlit, ((1lomer! My yoC£ am I g[ad to control tliem? 'But I'd reaff:g fi~ to 'lJ'U'lJ'E!R.ST.9l.tJYI?!?" Maureen and sutftien[y tfiey were no fonger in see you!" Maureen el(!{aimeti, over get fwme anti be witli my famiEy. JJ el(!{aimed. "t]Jut, but... :you're not Maureen's office, but at a frater­ the cries ofanguisli and the soumis ({:Fine then!" Maureen snapped. dead!" nity fwfiiay party, many years ear­ of roc/(-breakjng from gufag in­ ((.Leave! 'But don't come bac/(­ {rrrrue," tlie apparition said. [ier. Maureen af'so noticeti that mates. H:YOU wouUn't bdieve the you're firei! yO on! yet out!" {{Jtru{ I'm not reaff:g 'lJtiderstadt, (('lJuierstaat" was no fonger with niglit I've been fiaving. " {('But I fiave afamiEy to support, eitlier. I mereEy assumedyou wouU her. She watcliea as stuaents rev­ {{ I am not 1lomer 9{eaf, and. .. " react better to a more famifiar face, e[[elf in fw(jday clieer. Sfie was then Maureen, " the spirit ~[ained. ((I «9{OW!1I and because I befieve he feef's re­ greeted by another apparition, wfw am the qfwstofCodePresent. iAJol( With that Jtntieau turnd, de­ mprse for fiaving impfemented sucli [oo/(ed strikJngly [i/(e 1lar.o[d jected; and kft the room. a dreaaful poficy. )J Sfiapiro. See Maureen's Christmas Carol on Page C4 ,= , ...... ,.----..IX2ror-, .:t:::::":' 1,. I_~_.. I

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~L Silent Theft, Sneaky Theft Fiona's Twelve Days of " lp" BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE Christmas (WITH APOLOGIES TO IlANnEL) SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "SILENT NIGHT"

BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE, GEOFF BROWN, AND MOHAN KRISHNAN Silent theft, sneafqj theft (WITH APOLOGIES TO THE ORIGINAL AUTHORS) SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "THE TwELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS" Jtfl are gone, none are feft rz1ie M Jloc Committee said Hf}Juffsliit!" On the first tlIl!f of Cfiristmas Fwna gave to me, .5lruf after wliining arui th~owing a fit .9t two tfwusarui doUar stucfent fee Stofe af[ of the 'lJai£ies Stofe a[[ of the 'lJai£ies On the seconi day of Cfiristmas, Fwna gave to me 'Two fact-finiing trips Sifent tfrejt, sneak:JJ theft aruf a two tfwusaruf doUar stucfent fee Journalists cringe on the Left Curses stream from tWery sicfe On the tfiinf lay ofCfiristmo.s, Fwna gave to me rz1ie t:fzitWes sun!( off to run arui Iiicfe 'l1iree corufemnations rz1ie 'Daily can't prosecute 'Two fact-firufing trips rz1ie 'lJai{y can't prosecute ani a two tfwusani doUar student fee Sifent tfrejt, sneaky theft On the fourtfi day of Cfiristmas, :Fiona gave to me f}Jecause of that intoferance .9tillance 4 Justice %atgrows aruifesters in every head 'l1iree coniemnations %at realizes their feftist cause is dead 'Two fact-finiing trips and a two tfiousani doflar student fee rz1ie 'lJai{y w~"the victim Trial Knells 'l1ie 'lJaify uids the victim On the fifth day of Cfiristmas, :Fiona said to me, BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE :F~T, MllMI.9t! (WITH APOLOGIES TO JAY LIVINGSTON AND RAy EvANS) .9tillance 4 Justice SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "SILVER BELLS" 'l1iree condemnations 9{ew Code triafs, insane triafs, 'Two fact-firuiing trips .5lruf above a[[ tfiis madness Constitution ignored arui a two tfwusarui doUar student fee You 'f[ hear: In the air fJ'ria[ 1(ne[fs, fJ'ria[ 1(ne[fs On the s~ day of Cfiristmas, :Fiona gave to me, 'l1iere's a feeang It's Code fJ'ria[ time in the city Sbcfau[ty 6utfgets, ofbitterness Jlear the rufes, unfair to !Jou :FlJ(ET, MllMI.51! CliiIi1ren gasping JUfiance 4 Justice Peopfe massing Soon it wif[ be Tria! 'lJa!J 'l1iree condemnations MaKfng sign after sign 'Two fact-firuiing trips .5lrui on ev'ry street corner !J0u'f[ hear and a two tfiousani doflar student fee Tria[ 1(ne[fs, Tria[ 1(ne[fs 7. Seven students snoring, It's Code Tria[ time in the city 8. 'Eigfit 'R...egents ignoring Jlear the rufes, unfair to you 9. 'J{jne proposed 60ycotts SO(ln it wi[[ 6e T ria [ 'lJal{ 10. (Ten wortfife.ss surveys .J 11. 'Eleven grandfor !o66yirtg (jroups ofstudents 12. 'Twelve doomed heafth pfans T,ven bUS!J ones Turn a 6rigfit red (or green) .9ts the cfiarges are read against the accused :Fee[ the anger, See the jurors, 'l1iiS is Maureen's big scene'" .' Rebiseb QCbristmas QCarols ,~ What Tripe Is This? The Little Fraternity Boy ,". .~ ..... BY GEOFF BROWN. BENJAMIN KEPPLE; AND MOHAN KRISHNAN BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE AND GEOFF BROWN SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "THE LITTLE DRUMMER Boy" SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "WHAT CHILD IS TmS?" I wear a dirty fiat Wfiat tripe is this, wfio wrote this crap, paft rum-pali-pum-pum %ese f})aily editoriafs? I want to join your frat :Jar students groan witfi 6itter moans paft rum-pali-pum-pum «rflwse editors must 6e crazy!" I want to drinkjru beer %ese columnists just suck. paft rum-pali-pum-pum Wfiom editors allow to spew: Wfiy dse would I be fiere? !Haste, fiaste to criticize pali rum-pali-pum-pum, fJ1iose wfio write so poorly. '1(um-pali-pum-pum 2(um-pali-pum-pum So bring them grammar, wgic, reason Mak.e tfiem write witfi cfarity I want to [IIlTlB witfi you It fiurts to read tfieir 6ar6arous screetfs paft rum-pali-pum-pum We sfiout: ((Oli the !Humanity!" I even wear J. Crew 2(aise, raise our voice on higli paft rum-pali-pum-pum "'~ 'lIie stutfents sfiout their 6attfe cry: I want to 6e a pfdge (((jot£, (jot£, get new peopfe pali rum-pali-pum-pum ~ fJ'0 write f})aily eaitoriafs!" Who's puk:jng in your fietfge? Nothin' from BPe paft rum-pafi-pum-pum BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE wliife Jl.J{rienne is writing tripe '1(um-paft-pum-pum (WITH APOLOGIES TO R. BENNETI' TEPPER) ZaeR.. is turning is turning sfiatfes of wliite '1(um-paft-pum-pum SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "I'M GEM'ING NOTIIIN FOR CHRISTMAS" :Jor fie i$'avoice of reason aruf rigfit We cfiaffc.ed the sitfewaik.§ over Q11P; Oversfiatfowed 6y PC fiber'fs 11m reaLty drunk aruf dazed ((Pfease, pfease get me a new j06 paft rum-pali-pum- pum Somebody snitclied on us. I can't ta~ too mucfi more of fier I guess I fiave been fiazed We got biUea 6y the .9I.5Wl) sfie makes me waR.. real6ad paft rum-pali-pum-pum S0me6oay must fie{p us. Oli wfty aid I get stuck.. witfi fier?" I can't te[[ west from east We couldn't pubfisli tfian{(§ to JPj); paft rum-pali-pum-pum We force our members to pag fees; Non-White Christmas I drank. way too mucfi 'Beast (jot no casli so fiefp us pfease; paft rum-pafi-pum-pum S0me6od!l Just fiefp us! BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE AND GEOFF BROWN (WITH APOLOGIES TO IRVING BERLIN) '1(um-pali-pum-pum cH01(US: oli. ... 2(um-pafi-pum-pum SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "WHITE CHRISTMAS" We're getting notliin from 'BPC VPC~~~ngifanon~mteam~ I just pukJi on my beft 'lIie tH.Pe is ffat broR..e Just u~ the sfate ran this faff: paft rum-pali- pum- pum We're 9e.ttUrtJ notIiin from fJY.PC tIiey 'Wfiere wmtes a,oe el\f-luded 5truf tfiat gidfrom 'Iri 'Ddt {Cause!MSJt is ajo~ ani minorities inc£udetf paft rum-pali-pum-pum We won't be seeinggood times; a{[ %is pface is wfiere it's at :Yet somefww tIiey wil£ represent us 'BPC couldn't juruf us. pafi rum-pali-pum-pum 'IIiey won't pag for us 6ecause 11Pes dreaming of a non-wmte Cfim~ Sony abou t your liat {(~'s above us. I) It's time for tfieir ideas tfiey say paft rum-paft-pum-pum ?{el(j year it wi{[ 6e too fate; ('Because tfiey've been repressed '1(um-paft-pum-pum ?{el(j yearwe'[[ try LS5l, just wait 'l{pw tfiey fiave progressed tJ\ym-paft-pum-pum We 'a do it now, but it's too fate fJ'0 trying to taf.:.e over 5\1S51 I'm in a frat. Wfio, just wfio wil£ fiefp us? (tJ\ym pum pum~pum) llpes dreaming of a non-white Cfim~ :Me ana my fiat. So woVor alternate jurufing, wliatever you ao 'IIiey would uk! us to join tfieir figfit If!Iou refy on tIiem, we're warning !Iou 5ltuf ~ a{[our Clim~es non~fiite. ~ JOu'[[get notliin from W'c. cH02(US a;~)

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Continued from page C1 they aeserve tIiis.» "IJ '~ nearby wa[[. Maureen read througli rang the door6e[[ ex..citedfy. out at your Coae (juiag, Maureen, ({%[gui[f:Jj?»'l1ie fihostofCoae it, ant! was sliocf(etf at wfiat slie 5t tiretf-fooking 5tntieau an­ ant! see tfte students .in anguish, Present ask!d, suspicwusfy. saw. .9lpparentfy tlie Code had swered the door, ({tj)r. :Hart/ora! fored to perform fiartf [afJor ant! "We(£ not as sucli,» !Maureen grown tosucli proponwns that even What are you cfoing here?! ?" submit to abuses, ant! miss spent!­ rep[iea. "It couM be worse." non- students ofthe rtl-M couftf be "!Meny Cliristmas, Mary Lou!" ing Christmas with tfteir fami[ies. » ({:Yes, it most certainfy couM be, » prosecutea unaer it. 5tpparentfy Maureen e:{5:faimea. ({ I'm sony I Maureen fook!a out at tfte Coae 'l1ie (jhost of Coae Present agreed. Maureen's own staffturned on lier, firetf YOUj you can fiave your job inmates, ana saw many oftfte same ({5tna unfess you do something now, anti fiaa her prosecutea anti con­ bacKJ" peopfe from tfte fraternity party in it wi[[ be. " vietea urufer the Coae on trumped­ (ffJfianfcyou, tj)r. :Hart/ord!" tfte past, now aisfievetleti antfgaunt. With .tfiat aamonition, yet an­ up cliaTjjes. She was sent to the «I afso abofishetf tIie Code. J She watcliea as !M-Copguarcfs pro­ otfter bfinaing ffasli of fight came Code (juiag, never to be /iearafrom reafized it was wrong for us to try ceeaea to beat one of tfte inmates ant! went. when Maureen's vision again. anti deprive stuients of their civiC dOwn. returned, slie found liersefj bacf( at ({9/p!» she breatftetf. "?1iis can't riglits! Qpic~ come with me! We ":Hey! » !Maureen yeffetf. KStop tfte 91eming f}3uiftfing, in her office. be!" have to free a[[ ofthe inmates at tIie that! :You're onfy supposed to worf( I twas bustfingwithactivity.:How­ 'l1ie (jliost ofCode !Future merefy Coae (jufag!" tftem to ex..haustion! :You can't beat ever, slie discoverea that slie was no noaaetf. fL9/p Code!" e~faimed5tntieau. tftem! I oraer you to stop!!» fonger o/ice Presiient for Student ({Wait!" Maureen e~cfaimetf. ({f}3ut, but - what wi[[ we do?!?" NfJJiey can't fiearyou, Maureen, » 5tffairs - that post was fitleti by %is is tIie future! It fiasn't hap­ "We'[[ fina something, Mary IIfze (jhost of Coae Present said, another. 5tt that moment, yet an­ pened yet! Maybe I can stop it!» Lou - we're bureaucrats, remem­ with a note ofsadness in liis voice. other apparition appearea. It foof(etf 'l1ie (jhost ofCode !Future nod­ ber?"

"'lfumR§ to your overzeafous pro­ fif(e Lee f}3o[[inger, but in fact was aea anti smifea sfiglitfy. With that (f (jod f}3fess us 'Every One! II et- Tnotion of tfte Coae ana its inane the (jhost of Coae !Future. Maureen founa liersefj bacf( in lier cfaimed 5tntieau. . anaoverbearing aiscipfine, students, ((what happenea?" Maureen office. It was Cliristmas moming.:.. ~ 'E!P lLO(jrtl'E: We canonry hope often innocent, are forced to endure ask!a. ((10iere did I go." Immediatefy, Maureen 'L,sued that the above, or something simi­ injustices ana inJiumani ties. » 'l1ie (jhost of Code !Future saia orders abofisfzing the Code of Stu­ far, wife occur tliis Cliristmas ({We(£ )) !Maureen said, ({these nothing, but merefy pointed to a aent Contiuct. slie then ran over to 'Eve.We can a[ways hope. are a[[ gui[f:Jj students. I suppose Coae case history postea to tfte Mary Lou 5tntieau's Iiouse, anti fJJ{'E 'E9{tj). 5\1{

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BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE HAHAHAHA!" Riske came in last in seating Levi's jeans commercials, you writing. Most importantly, I can see the Engineering race, with a measly know what I mean, "265 million, of the results: they are tangible. For OMETIMES I FEEL THIS 63 points. And we can all be thankful which I am one." They're horrible! I people think and argue over the ar­ way about my work: "A lot of that the United People's Coalition got mean, Jesus Christ, you just want to ticles, essays, editorials, and reviews S good this did." For example, I scream, "Go that I help present - not my articles, recently turned in a paper for a class . ::. ,- e~ :,.. ~ ::.-"";;~~~ e - . ,.~i?' .- _ .. i have your ideal­ necessarily, but those of the other that received the respectable grade of ist imaginations members who work here, and who "B." My own personal feelings before crushed by dis­ work hard to make their cases. And I I turned it in? Put it in a cynical, bitter illusionment or enjoy that feeling. tone and it makes sense: "I am a something! But every activity everyone does discredit to scholarship. I have no Shut up! Go is done for some purpose; I refuse to business even being near this depart­ .make room believe that we can live our lives do­ ment. This paper is utterly worthless somewhere else! ing pointless things. For those who and not much better than kindling. I. was perfectly work for and with others to take on Christ." Now, when it comes to poli­ content watch­ any cause, to put forth what is right, tics, sometimes I really feel this way. ing Dick Van to try to keep the ships afloat and run "Oh, goody. My vote has been en­ Dyke and all of the businesses, to organize the ral­ tirely marginalized. The person a sudden you lies, we must not give up hope that elected to the office is not only a crazed show up. You what we are doing has a point and lunatic bent on wreaking havoc make me want that what we are doing is good. As we throughout our Republic, but my can­ to puke!" approach our activities, we must ap­ didate loses by 18 points. Christ." However, proach them with drive and ambition, Sometimes, one can get really The A·Team makes a difference: they pity those MSA fools. they are usually but we can easily do so by knowing down about it. When this happens, it saner than most and applying that self-confidence that confirms my belief that Kepple's blown out too, not winning any seats individuals who also Want To Change comes from doing these things for a Clause exists as a physical law of the (although they came excruciatingly Things. For example, Adrienne "I hate good purpose. We can succeed in our . universe. "The side, group, article, or close in Engineering) either. This is my whiteness" Janney, Daily colum­ activities, we will succeed in our ac~ organization, no matter how rational, pleasing because it shows that the nist and editorial page editor (who tivities. It is no longer a question, bu~ virtuous, powerful, or correct, will campus voters for MSA are smart fortunately has to share Mondays with a statement of fact. For we simply Lose, or be in the Minority Politically, enough overall NOT to elect people the far more intelligent and actually must.~':~ ' if Benjamin Kepple is a part of it in who campaign exclusively on a racist rational editorial page editor, Zae1t'" Given that in mind, I would lik4t]. anyway." platform. Raimi), does not use logic and ratio­ to invite all ofyou to look at the thing(:: Here's a good campus example. I And of course, independents had nality when writing. At least I don't around you, and see what you could":: . voted for both the Liberty and the to get elected. Now, I think that hav­ think so. What if she actually acted improve. (We all have things we could Nihilist parties in the election (while ing independent candidates is a good like she wrote? What would a Daily improve!) If there is something you secretly telling people I voted. for one thing in theory, but I don't believe editorial board meeting be like? don't like, work to change it. If there. , or the other, I admit it. I'm human.) I that they are truly independent. EDITOR IN CHIEF: OK. next are things you don't agree with, speak . thought both of these parties were They'll usually vote with some party item on the list, editorial on the U-M out. You can make a difference and great. I thought they were the best line but keep the independent banner Presidency... what you do does matter. It's som~ l people for the job. They were sincere, afloat as a safety net. "Look! I'm an ADRIENNE: THREE WHITE thing that I have learned from experi~ :" they were angry enough to want independent! I'm not part ofthe Michi­ BOYS AND ONE WHITE GIRL! ence. ,. change, to me, this was what we gan Party machine! Even though I ZACK: NO! NOT THAT! And, I would like to invite everYY:r needed in rational student govern­ was endorsed by the Michigan Party PLEASE! one to join the Review. Hey, it's a> ment. And of course, we can see what and said so on my campaign flyers! I EIC: Uh ... next item! Oh, shameless plug, but I am confident' happened. We're still stuck with an am in no way an auxiliary of the Christ... that's it! Racism! Right! Rac­ that out there, there are people who Assembly dominated by the Michi­ Michigan Party! You can trust me!" ism editorial! want to make a difference, and this is gan Party, with Fiona "Fotomat" Rose But the major problem with indepen­ ALL EDITORS (in sync): Rac­ a great way to do so. We're looking for and Probir "Funk Lord" Mehta in con­ dent candidates is that they have an. ism is the most important issue on business staff, editorial staff, writers, trol, thanks to their Michigan Party annoying tendency to Want To Change campus today! and illustrators - even if you don't henchmen who also got elected: Dan Things, regardless of whether they ADRIENNE: I HATE MY think. you "have any talents" you can "The Poodle" Serota, Mike "Clear need. changing or even whether they WHITENESS! QUICK! I SHALL certainly join - no experience is nec­ Skies and Empty Head" Nagrant, and can be changed at all. Ninety percent COLOR MY SKIN WITH PURPLE essary and God knows I didn't know newcomers such as Ian "Who the hell of the time the concerned candidate LIPSTICK AND BECOME ONE what I was doing when I started. Stop is he?" Lucas. wants to Save Affirmative Action, even WITH THE AVOCADO OF JUSTICE ! by the Review office at our weekly However, we can be thankful and if it means armed revolution against ZACK: PLEEEEASE! MAKE IT staff meetings (7 pm, the Perry Build­ offer praises to our respective deities the state, and the other ten percent of STOP! OH THE HUMANITY! ing, Suite 32) or give us an e-mail at that some people did not get elected. to the time the candidates wants to save I am willing to bet that Daily [email protected], or call us at 662- that bloated. cadaver of inefficiency. something that no one, not even Jesus, columnists like Adrienne must feel 1909. We'd love to have you! But what­ Victors Party candidate Nick "Roy. could save. Your typical independent even more than I do that "A lot ofgood ever you do, if you decide to join the Cohn" Kirk failed to bring his mes­ candidate is some student who had that did." They slave away for whole Review or join another organization sage of watered down, irrational Re­ the cancerous brainchild of an ideal­ minutes on their columns, and get on campus, you're doing something publicanism to the Assembly (thank ist thought in his head and failed. to little accomplished except managing that matters. You're working for a God) and Jim "None of you are safe think it out of existence in time. This to nauseate the student body. But tangible goal. It mayor may not be blood donors! I KNOW IT! HA! unhealthy idealism, still allowed. to why do it? That is what brings us to met, but workingtowafds it and know­ exist in one's mind, sometimes even the final,and more important ques­ ingthat you've helped. to change things Benjamin Kepple is Managing Edi­ manages to avoid being turned. into tions. What good does any of this do? or created something is simply a won· tor of the Review. He is hiding in the cynicism or disillusionment. Hence, What's the point of this activism? derful feeling. For it does do some jungles of Belize, training a secret most of them end up like those annoy­ I do what I do because I enjoy it. I good. Oh, and happy holidays. Bah. army to overthrow the M,-State. ing 15 year old children in those nau- like helping to put out a paper. I like Humbug.•

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BY LISA WAGNER too late to let go. She was dragging me months for alcohol-related traffic fa- test which will determine the bodily and I would have slid face-first into talities. Given that people are cel- alcohol content. The legal limit is .10 LIKE DRINKING TOO MUCH the pavement. (In my defense, it all ebrating with friends and more often percent. If a person tests .10 percent to become an alcoholic. I have happened within 10 seconds.) To make than not, these holiday parties in- or higher, they will suffer years of I heard this line too many times a long, scary story short, she dragged elude alcohol. Most people tend to feel consequences. Let the following be a since I started college. In the past ten me 150 feet out onto the street. The more empowered when they feel the deterrence. years, the number of college binge reason my face is still intact is be­ buzz of alcohol. And most people feel Drunk. driving penalties have be- drinkers has doubled. This is a sad cause she pushed me and therefore, I as though they can drive better when come quite severe in the past few commentary on college life, and this rolled safely out of the way. She then they are drunk.. Obviously, this is a years in hopes of curbing the statis- trend is showing up on the streets. It took off as fast as she could down the farce to the sober person, so let the tics. For a first offense, the maximum is the nature of the beast; when there street. Unfortunately she was not statistics speak for themselves. A possible penalties the court could is a concentration of so many people caught that night. Soon after I scraped fatality in a crash is almost six times impose are: six months in the county who are partying and drinking, there myself off, the police came and made more likely when one ofthe operators jail, $1,000 fine plus up to an addi- will be an increased number of drunk. a report. I was not physically hurt so is reported as having been drinking. tional $1,950 in penalty assessments drivers. People between the ages of21 I declined an ambulance and a crimi­ In December of 1994, the Michigan (not including lawyers fees), six and 24 make up the age group which nal report for what she' had done to Department of State Police reported months drivers license suspension gets more DUI arrests (Driving Un­ me. We found out the next day from 11,947 people injured in alcohol-ra- and/or the automobile could be im- derthe Influence) and causes the most the police that this girl had an exten­ lated crashes. pounded for up to 30 days. Finally if traffic accidents while under the in­ sive driving record. She had prior Everybody who has ever had a convicted of a DUI, 6 points will be fluence of alcohol. alcohol-related offen~eson her license drink. is aware that alcohol affects added to the drivers license, and the I must be honest with you, the and she was underage. This poor girl judgment .and self-control. As a per- alcohol will remain on a driving record impetus for this article was an acci­ will drink and drive again because sons blood alcohol concentration for seven years subsequent to convic- dent that I witnessed over Thanks­ even though she was cited for the (BAC) increases their reaction time is tion. This does not take into account giving break. It traumatized me for a accident, she escaped a DUI arrest. In slowed, they experience loss of con- the fact that insurance companies are couple of days. I was incensed and 80 effect, she has been given no deter­ centration and sometimes have vi- relentless with DUI convictions. I decided to write about it. rence, no reason not to drink. and sual problems. Drivers should be With the Holiday season now in On Friday, November 29,1996, I drive again. I am livid that just be­ aware that the state of Michigan has full swing, please do not forget what I was in a fairly affluent suburban pub cause she left the scene of the acci­ toughened the Anti-Drunk. Driving have written. Take the information to just outside of Milwaukee. I had a dent, she did not get a much deserved laws. heart and consider your own safety as beer and chatted for a while with the DUI. First, be advised of the Implied well as other's before you get in that two friends I was visiting. We noticed Something is wrong with a sys­ Consent Law. This states that. by'-'"~ drivers seat. Remember, thebestprac- the time as we walked out the door. It tem where incidents such as these go driving in Michigan, a person is con- tical advise I can give is extremely was 1:20 a.m. We got into ourrespec­ unpunished. Despite the fact that I sidered to have given consent to a clear: IT IS NEVER WORTH IT TO tive cars and headed for the. parking could have seriously been hurt, she preliminary breath test. This means DRINK AND DRIVE! Please pay lot exit. I was following closely behind could have killed someone else on her that ifsuspected for a DUI, the driver heed to this cliche and I wish you all my friend's car when another car cut way home. will be required to take a chemical the safest and most joyous holiday in between us and rear-ended my Recently I met with Dr. Patricia (usually a hand-held breathalyzer) season. Mt friend. Everyone pulled over just as Waller, the director of the University they should have, and we all got out. of Michigan Transportation Research The person who cut in front of me was Institute (UMTRl.) Among other traf­ Attention a girl. She was alone and reeking of fic-related issues, she does statistical alcohol. From her erratic movements research on drunk driving. From her Michigan Independent! and slurred speech, it was apparent work she hopes to help improve the that she was drunk. When we told her efficiency and safety of current trans­ she would have to wait for the police, portation facilities. Dr. Waller pro­ It is futile to resist the all-pervasive she said curtly that she did not have vided me with many interesting sta­ the time and that she would just give tistics regarding drunk driving within influence of the Michigan Review! us her insurance card. She clumsily the state of Michigan. You may have improved your layout. You may have rummaged through her purse and One of the most interesting and produced a card that looked like an frightening numbers is that in 1994, gained staffers. You have even allegedly kidnapped insurance card. We took it but told drivers in Washtenaw County made Review Editor-at-Large Geraldo Armando-Ruiz. But her that she absolutely must not leave. up 42.5 percent of all fatal crashes in nothing will stop us from completing one of our prime Intent on fleeing, this girl jumped which the driver had been drinking goals: the assimilation of all campus media outlets into her front seat and threw the for the entire state of Michigan. There into the Review. We shall crush your impudent up­ transmission into drive. This is where were 18 traffic fatalities as a result of the story becomes complicated. the alcohol concentration ofthe driver. start paper with one swift stroke (or many strokes, I thought it smart to stand in Dr. Waller offered a plausible expla­ depending!) between her door and the car, so that nation for this. She said that she could not shut it and therefore Washtenaw County is an area with Make it easy on yourself. would not take off. Much to my pain­ two universities and several small ful surprise, she floored it, and for colleges so there is a naturally large some unexplainable reason I found concentration of young people who JOIN THE REVIEW. myselfholding on to her steering wheel come from fairly affluent back­ Better campus news coverage. Better national news coverage. Edi­ and the door handle. By the time I grounds. And for college-age kids, torials that are actually readable. Columnists that are funny and realized what was happening, it was alcohol is the drug of choice. From bitter. Better arts. Better music. The original inventors of that this, one would not be as surprised by hiding in the Caribbean bit. No columns with name based puns. A Lisa Wagner would like to graciously such a high number of alcohol-re­ four room office suite. Better office parties (we still don't know what thank Dr. Patricia Waller for her as­ lated traffic problems. a four-way is ... by the way, WE need NOTHING.) Join the REVIEW. sistance with this article. < December is one of the worst ·t.e.~l.tlle.f.ef'J:Y,Buildin . t., ~13 66a-1909.. :,.,\.,.mre~icb.e~ t .. ,j, • • ~ ~ I> " ~

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BY MATI B::~Jody ~£~!!!~guy!~ ~!E:~~hes~~2~.tty !-u~r~~m~Xugh well together? "spartan prison conditions" and the out. While the authors speak with ITH THE RECENT RISE The answer is that they can. The death penalty will really prevent one VOice, one wonders how decisions in violent crimes, it is in­ entire text can be seen as an assault crime. The "super-predators," the of content and placement were made. W evitable that polemics on on crime policy myths, with no side authors claim, have little reason to The authors do an excellent job of crime policy would appear in book· immune. fear such penalties, since they over- presenting a stark human role in the stores. The most recent addition to The authors present the problem whelmingly are not convicted in the face of a complete barrage of num- the collection, Body Count (Simon and simply: the major problem of first place. The authors also favor bers. The text intersperses stories Schuster, $24.00), is a compelling in­ American crime comes from young responsible gun control measures, and from various sociologists and crimi- dictmen t oflax federal policies in crime males who group up in "practically pooh-pooh claims that Miranda rights nologists into their own text, telling policy as well as a call for a restora­ perfect criminogenic environments." have seriously limited police ability us stories of 14-year old children en- tion of public morality. Crime experts Without many sources of moral guid­ to fight crime. These arrows, shot slaved in order to get money for their of all political stripes read at their ance, these young men feel no re­ from conservative quivers, are very mother's crack habit. Such stories own peril. morse about their actions, and lack a persuasive and should attract serious are compelling and provide much of iil At first glance, one might wonder clear sense of right and wrong. With­ conservative interest. the best text in the book, for while the if the authors of this book may fall out drastic action to stop this prob­ The solution for the authors is arguments are compelling and the into a "too-many-cooks" syndrome. lem, America's inner cities will only far-reaching. Regulation aimed at need is severe, one wishes that the The line-up is star-studded. Bill get worse. limiting the availability of drugs and authors' prose style could have been Bennett is well-known for his right­ With that, the attacks begin. In alcohol is necessary, since these rna· made more appealing. wing beliefs and his best-selling moral sections entitled "The Usual Sus­ terials reduce personal responsibility While the amount of information anthologies, The Book of Virtues and pects," Bennett and company attack and serve as gateways to violent ac- is staggering, it appears like Body The Moral Compass. John J. Dilulio, the beliefs of both sides. Liberals will tivities. More police are needed to Count tries to split the difference be- Jr. is director of the prestigious cringe at a section denouncing public . enforce public safety and discourage tween popular nonfiction and socio- Brookings Institute of Public Man­ monies as a sure-fire solution to the criminal behavior. While morality i~ logical study. Stylistically, the result agement, and is one of the top conser­ problems of inner cities, and will also proclaimed throughout the book, reli- is a mess. Nevertheless, the issues vative activists on crime policy. resist swallowing the authors' claim gion is only really embraced in a small that Body Count touches on are quite Rounding out the trio is John P . that racial disparities are not a major chapter at the end. Given the Bennett important. While a lay reader will Walters, a leader in several anti-crime cause of crime. track record on morality and religion, find it tough going, Body Count is a groups as well as a previous deputy Conservatives relishing these one wonders why religion does not ." ..Y.aiuable reference on the problems of director of the Office ofNational Drug fmdings need to beware, however. playa larger role in the greater moo' crime in our inner cities. Ml. Caffeinated Poetry

11Bestinp. tbe most 3Jmportant (c. 1520)

11Be~tinp, tbe mo~t important )fIfter (.!@ob, gabe mankinb two patbs­ m:I)ose wI)o cannot teU them apart Will alwaps grow in great error.

m:be first patl) is tbat of frerbom. Witb barbsbips at tbe beginning ]t is ~barp, bifficuIt, tiring, )fInb requires enormous labor.

jiut if pou take it for awbile ~ou will finb it smootb anb easp. ~berpone on it is bappp )fInb bas aU tbings lIS be wills tbem.

m:be otber patb is slaberp; ]ts beginning is mo~t ea~p, jiut its enb berp bifficuU­ m:be slabe'slife is sbeer miser!,.

-Biernat of Lublin, a Polish Renaissance Poet Translated by Bogdana Carpenter, a professor of Slavic Studies at the University of Michigan.

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'.0 Mu;sic ,-' ,'- <: " ,''..~' ; TbeMl1$ical Road Less Tnivell~Q BY ELIZABETH &suer cabulaxY,and.seig~~ett' canie'to ,' tivep~s~ ofthe Feis?Cadave~ led Mexican my mind. As musicians, Bl'oa~na me to, t~e a- . shoit nap~ ',wltb. the ALKING INTO THE wasn1t totally clueless, but perhaps help ofabeer and some earplugs, Impound, a bar on the they should stick to doing covers ... of course. Reataurant W east side of Detroit, was After a brief intermission and a I woke up as Speedball began like walking in on a different world. frightening excursion to an exceed· to play. I th.umbedtbrough a Metro My eyes and throat sud­ in gly Times, butitntnediatelythe music denly stung from the dirty caught my attention., They started cheap cigarette smoke and ((The moral of the ha th · ¢i with an unfamiliar song, but 761·6650 I couldn't complete ar(l.ODl , soon I was hearing my favorites. thought because of the They played a good deal off their, fI story? Cheap shOWS t 'll ' e 333 East Huron loud voices and clamof¥, h h Fe i sty recent album. entitled "Do Unto ' ous band. Broad2illa , are c eap Jor a rea- t Cadav- Others - Then Split". I hadn't opening for the Feisty son!" I erB be· really noticed how bad the sound Cadavers and Speedball, I gan to system was until I heard familiar OPEN 7 DAYS!! was on stage shriE:}king ...... -.---.- - . pIa y . songs which were musically cor­ such epithets as "Cum-Sucking rrntdrmusic sounded suspiciously like rect, but sounded horrible because 11 AM TO 11 PM Whore" and other niceties. It was Broadzilla's, but their lyrics were far of the acoustics. Speedball was refreshing to see an all...,.£emale band more unintelligible. The set, though playing a decent "Piss and Moan" WEDELNER!! who didn't. sound likelittl~ girlS long, excluded the band's older music. when my ride decided that we moaning about love~ but,whell, ·ITlle band had dedicated the set to should leave, ending my night at actuallyllstenedto.thelyrica, words . Steve Krass, a band member who was the Impound. like "ulleducated., rrtinilsc'Ule'vo7 shQt atHarpo~s over Ii year ago, and it " 'I'he moral of the story? Cheap" seemed s.trangetllat .theywould play show~ " are cheap for a l':"easont If ~'fP~ , Elizabeth Keslacy is a sta{fwrite.r in his memory, yet not acknowledge youtg()to thelmpound, d~ttfoTget ~o t'~ for the Review. his work 8$ a musicUm.. The

BY SIMON EINSPAHR run-ins with the law, and feuding ther experimentation with instru­ Tios AlexicClll Food AND JAMIE SMITH between brothers Chris and Rich, con­ ments and styles, from the Beatlesque tinued as the hits "She Talks To An­ psychedelia of "Evil Eye" to the rol­ N THE AGE OF POST­ gels" and a cover of Otis Redding's licking funk. of "(Only) Halfway To Keep us In mind while buying your grunge altern a-schlock, "Hard To Handle" propelled the band Everywhere." The band's new bare holiday gifts. 1bs has OYer 250 unique I where the most popular bands further into the spotlight. After a year bones approach to ~ongwriting is evi­ salsas and hot sauces. From the care more about fashion ability than and a half of straight touring, the dent in the singles "Good Friday" and sublime to the hottest In the world. creating something unique, it is com­ band took a much needed rest. Dur­ "Blackberry" as well as the ballad forting to know there are still bands ingthis time, guitarist Jeff Cease was "Better When You're Not Alone." Rich our salsas and hot sauces can be willing to push the envelope. One of fired for lack of effort, and the also treads into uncharted waters with purchased individually or in gift bas­ these bands is the Black Crowes, who Robinson brothers wrote songs for a the acoustic "How Much For Your kets. Check out our hot new t-shirts. believe in the power of time-tested new album. Wings?" sharing lead vocals and play­ shorts. and pants guaranteed to rock-n-roll. Using this as the foun­ Two and half years passed after ing all of the guitar. The solo is often spice up anyone's wardrobe. dation, they add exceptional musi­ the release of The Southern Har­ exchanged for intricate bridges, prov­ cianship, down-home southern fla­ mony and Musical Companion be­ ing the emphasis on group effort as On the first Sunday of each month vor) and a knack for songwriting. Com­ fore Amorica was released at the ~nd opposed to their "gunslinger" attitude bine this with lead singer Chris of 1994, amid controversy over the in the earlier days. we have a sauce and salsa taste Robinson's understanding of the hu­ album's cover art. Commercially, this The Black Crowes are now stron­ testing from noon to 4 p.m. We offer man experience and engaging wit, is the most attention the album re­ ger than ever. However, they have a large variety of sauces and salsas and the result is music that satisfies ceived, although critics in Guitar slipped into coromercial obscurity, to taste and compare compliments of mind, body, and soul. World and Spin declared the album relying on their loyal fan base and Ttos. Become a member ofTtos "Hall The Black Crowes originally one of the year's best. On this album, touring to save them from starvation. ofF1ame" by tasting over 100 differ­ formed in Atlanta in 1986. From the the band's progression is evident in But the fact remains that the Black beginning, the nucleus of the band their loose grooves and free·form ap­ Crowes continue to create music based ent sauces or salsa and receive a free has been brothers Chris and Rich proach to songwriting, while still on the simplicity of down·home rock· T-ahirt teJlingthe world "I tasted 100 Robinson. With Rich on guitar, the maintaining a vision ofthe album as n·roll. By fusing elements of past Sauces and Salsas at Tios and Uved two began writing songs which would a whole. artists intQ their own style, their songs to Tell About It!" surface on their debut, Shake Your But July 1996 unleashed the stand as tributes to those who have Money Maker, released in March fourth and finest collection of Black preceded them while taking the mu­ 1990. Fueled by the singles "Jealous Crowes music on the public. Entitled sic to new levels. The Crowes are both Again" and "Twice As Hard," the al­ Three Snakes And One Charm, revisionists and pioneers at the same 761·6650' bum began to rise in the charts as the this work is their most focused, con­ time. But what will the Black Crowes $5.00 minimum delivery. $1.00 taining shorter songs and concise ar­ throw into the blender next? We can't delivery charge. Limited delivery area. bl¥ld const~t!y, t9~r~d.. , *H9weyerJ . "", . ,,"\ ',' -'\ ., II " tuz:moil_ ~th~~ ~th:e' ~aJ!~,: ~ric1ud~~ _ rangemehts. Tlie·aJ.bumfe~t\itesfu.t- ' wait'tb'fhid btlt. l\R' , , , :., " ,

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BY DAN SUCCARDE took "forty takes pense. In essence, the three act struc- and even more ture was fulfilled in every scene. The T'S ABOUT TIME THE and it took day~ audience is rewarded with a situa- lesser evolved organisms on this to do the focus- tion, conflict, and outcome every step I shrinking planet in our "Infor- ing." They also of the way. This pattern is repeated mation Age" got spme moments on note that, at first, loyally throughout the film -until the big screen .. .after all, we've owed it there were prob- the screen's ultimate darkness and to 'em since probably the Ice Age. If I ems , absence of sound inform us, too, that you're hoping to see premier perfor- "considering ... depth life's end, as the film's, must draw to of field linked to an end-at least at some point in Microcosmos the proximity"- time. Directed by Claude Nuridsany and that is, tough Above all, this film demon- shots in tight strates that all forms of life are inter- Marie Perannou. Featuring mryiad insects. places. Despite related and alike in most ways. Our the challenges world is not so different from theirs. mances of the actors and actresses inherent in film- We all have daily crap to deal with, you emulate, this is not your "acad­ ing the insect and so does every other form of exist- emy award" of choices. But, if you world, the film's ence. The brutality oflife is common. desire a completely original film ex­ array of incorpo- The food chain takes us all into ae- perience that captures un preceden ted rated techniques count. Each unpredictable day in our and highly visual moments and events climb to new lives provides for our greatest uncer- the human eye to date is completely heights which, tainties-proving to be failures and incapable of, this one's right in "your ironically, arejust states of contention-as well as even backyard"-literally. above sea level. greater moments of triumph. Life Microcosmos violates the con­ . Visually, this forms may definitely be different in structs of traditional Hollywood pro­ film's color and size, shape, complexity, and duration; ductions. Released in the United fr am e com posi- yet it is our interactions, desires, pres- States by Miramax Films (perhaps tion are unsur- ence, and final destination that we all you remember Pulp Fiction, Four passed; nature have in common- in one way or an- Rooms, or Army ofDarkness , amongst has never looked Whoa ... easy fellas. _.. ,,-.-6ther. Mt ~------~ several emerging productions to date) so go~d. ~e s~perb det~l of these fects, m.any of which had to ~e r:- IT'S NEVER TOO LATE and produced by Galatee Films, Mi­ orgamsms bodies and theIr encoun- corded ill a sound proof studIO, In crocosmos was spawned by talents of tered objects are good enough to print coordination with the insects' various TO JOIN THE REVIEW! Western Europe and afar. in botany and biology books. Action antics - yielding usually nothing The plot inMicrocosmos involves driven by subjects only a fraction of other than the effect of humor. The Are you interested in writing about activities that are really nothing but an inch fills the frame. The multiplic- film highlights and enforces observed politics, campus affairs, sports, movies, daily routine to insects, though pure ity of colors radiate from the screen in typical characteristics of these speci- music, theatre, . books, or poetry? spectacle to the human being. This a quality the world's most visually mens of life by portraying their ac- film concerns itself with life forms aesthetic film possesses. Even if you tions in harmony with the aspects we Would you like to write for a top notch most of us walk over and quash with­ may have no idea of what the formal as humans are quite able to relate student publication that offers fresh out the slightest inkling of awareness and Latin names are for the insects to-considering the world we have perspectives on these subjects? - life forms other films ignore on that move this documentary shot style created. The sluggishly moving snails screen. film, it'll definitely look pretty. that move closer to each other could "15 years of research, dozens of Unique to films of this style, our only "dance" to a symphonic ballad, of JOIN THE MICHIGAN 'observation diaries,' 2 years of de­ directors do not bombard us with course. The flight pattern of a bee REVIEW! signing the equipment, 3 years of trivial information. Our narrator, ac- resembles the sounds of our race shooting, and 6 months of editing," claimed British actress Kristin Scott cars-not much else. We watch in a Are you interested in gaining directors Claude N uridsany and Marie Thomas, simply sets up the experi- captivated state and discover another valuable business experience? Perennou, originally biologists-gone ence by postulating an unusaul con- world in the same process. film-truly had theiz: "study" cut out cept of time where, "an hour is a day, This piece definitely exhibits We can use editors, writers, photogra­ for themselves. and a day a season." To understand the fUm medium's capability of pro- phers, and artists and business staff: Including a talented cast like, life: "We must listen to its murmurs." vokingan emotional response through This means you! Join us and be an "Swallow-tail butterfly, Climbing cat­ As the clouds pass over the horizon its subject matter most of us would erpillar, Polist wasps, Stag beetles, and establishing shots follow to fill not normally be so involved with- intergral part of the best paper on and Cousin mosquito and its meta­ the screen, each separate occasion even if we did choose to get down on campus! morphosis," it's safe to assume these draws us further and further into a our elbows and knees to observe the "actors" weren't bickering with their different scene of a "new" and un dis- minuscule life that fills ponds and Stop by our new office at Suite 32 in agents for grandiose contracts after covered world. Nuridsany and parks. By simply witnessing the de- the Perry Building or call us at 662- the film's release-though they should Perennou have thus given us the rare velopment ofthese little guys dealing 1909. Also, a-mail us at have. opportunity to dismiss our world and with life's innate and unavoidable [email protected]. Though the production team may share the insects' world from our own annoying momen ts-I was pulling for have gotten a "deal" acquiring the point of view. 'em. Hell, we were all pullin' for em'! cameo appearances, Nuridsany and Editors Marie-Josephe Yoyotte I wanted that beetle to make it up Perennou reported that some shots and Florence Ricard, original music that six inch hill with his collected composer Bruno Coulais, and sound "pebble" of choice. I wanted that ant If we're not available, we Dan Succarde is a staff writer for creator Laurent Quaglio must be cred- to get that "morsel of a meal" back to have gone en mas sse to the Review. He is majoring in Film ited with execution of superb timeli- the home front. The symphonic com- Blimpy Burger, but we will and Video Studies. He used to think ness and creativity. This creativity positions in coalition with the mo- be back momentarily.: . . . ' bugs J,l.(ere :' bogue. "...... includes the pacing . of.t~e $~~~ ~f:. mef.lt'Go.n.slqe!!~q. 9~.s)c~Ele.nI;>\}.iJf§uE\-. :> " , .I' j '/ ,< " .. ,. I " -.. ~ , J 'T ,I \ i L

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