60 NOT OUT THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER

ACES CONTENTS

Volume 7, Issue 1, Spring 2002 4 Volume 14, Issue 3, Autumn 2009 67 Volume 7, Issue 2, Summer 2002 5 Volume 14, Issue 4, Winter 2009/10 69 Volume 7, Issue 3, Autumn 2002 6 Volume 15, Issue 1, Spring 2010 72 Volume 7, Issue 4, Winter 2002/03 8 Volume 15, Issue 2, Summer 2010 73 Volume 8, Issue 1, Spring 2003 10 Volume 15, Issue 3, Autumn 2010 75 Volume 8, Issue 2, Summer 2003 11 Volume 15, Issue 4, Winter 2010/11 77 Volume 8, Issue 3, Autumn 2003 13 Volume 16, Issue 1, Spring 2011 79 Volume 8, Issue 4, Winter 2003/04 16 Volume 16, Issue 2, Summer 2011 81 Volume 9, Issue 1, Spring 2004 18 Volume 16, Issue 3, Autumn 2011 82 Volume 9, Issue 2, Summer 2004 20 Volume 16, Issue 4, Winter 2011/12 84 Volume 9, Issue 3, Autumn 2004 23 Volume 17, Issue 1, Spring 2012 85 Volume 9, Issue 4, Winter 2004/05 26 Volume 17, Issue 2, Summer 2012 87 Volume 10, Issue 1, Spring 2005 27 Volume 17, Issue 3, Autumn 2012 89 Volume 10, Issue 2, Summer 2005 29 Volume 17, Issue 4, Winter 2012/13 91 Volume 10, Issue 3, Autumn 2005 32 Volume 18, Issue 1, Spring 2013 92 Volume 10, Issue 4, Winter 2005/06 34 Volume 18, Issue 2, Summer 2013 95 Volume 11, Issue 1, Spring 2006 36 Volume 18, Issue 3, Autumn 2013 96 Volume 11, Issue 2, Summer 2006 38 Volume 18, Issue 4, Winter 20013/14 97 Volume 11, Issue 3, Autumn 2006 41 Volume 19, Issue 1, Spring 2014 98 Volume 11, Issue 4, Winter 2006/07 43 Volume 19, Issue 2, Summer 2014 100 Volume 12, Issue 1, Spring 2007 46 Volume 19, Issue 3, Autumn 2014 102 Volume 12, Issue 2, Summer 2007 48 Volume 19, Issue 4, Winter 20 105 Volume 12, Issue 3, Autumn 2007 50 Volume 20, Issue 1, Spring 2015 106 Volume 12, Issue 4, Winter 2007/08 51 Volume 20, Issue 2, Summer 2015 108 Volume 13, Issue 1, Spring 2008 53 Volume 20, Issue 3, Autumn 2015 109 Volume 13, Issue 2, Summer 2008 56 Volume 20, Issue 4, Winter 20015/16 110 Volume 13, Issue 3, Autumn 2008 58 Volume 21, Issue 1, Spring 2016 111 Volume 13, Issue 4, Winter 2008/09 61 Volume 21, Issue 2, Summer 2016 112 Volume 14, Issue 1, Spring 2009 63 Volume 21, Issue 3, Autumn 2016 113 Volume 14, Issue 2, Summer 2009 65 Volume 21, Issue 4, Winter 2016/17 114

2 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER INTRODUCTION

My first Suffolk Scribbler piece was published in the Spring 2002 edition of The Terrier; nearly 15 years ago. Actually, had it been left to me, it would have been my first Almost Yesterday’s Man piece but, as luck would have it, wiser counsels prevailed. The wisest of the lot was Colin Bradford, then Editor of The Terrier, who was insistent that I should write under the name of the Suffolk Scribbler and who wrote the following introduction to my inaugural piece:

The Editor is delighted to be able to introduce to Terrier readers a humble, yet outstandingly adequate, successor to our much loved erstwhile columnist, Yesterday’s Man. This is the first of what we hope will be a popular and long-running column by the Suffolk Scribbler.

New readers will need to know that “Yesterday’s Man” was in fact Richard Miller, formerly the Norfolk County Estates supremo. In 2002 he had decided to give up writing his column “after 35 years of hard work.”

Colin’s introduction was quite far-sighted in predicting a “long-running column” as we are already at 15years and still counting. And I think we can already begin to make some judgements about popularity. In contrast to Yesterday’s Man, where according to the YM writer not a single member of ACES ever mentioned Suffolk Scribblers in a commemorative the column to him so he was never really booklet was proposed jointly by William sure that anyone actually read it. Every Marshall, a humble nobody from Suffolk, time I go to a national conference or and the current Editor of The Terrier, similar function someone will take the Betty Albon. ACES Eastern Branch has opportunity to seek me out and then tell provided generous funding to help pay for me that they always check out the back a professionally produced PDF document pages of The Terrier first. with the intention of then forwarding a copy of this to every member. And it was this point that first gave birth to the concept of publishing all the Suffolk I did hear it said that when it was known Scribbler pieces under one cover. With that I was going to write a regular, the true enthusiast taking an early look at somewhat light-hearted column, some the whole column it could be argued that ACES members laughed. Well, they’re not individual items within the piece could, laughing now! potentially, be overlooked.

Consequently, after the publication of 60 pieces, totalling over 105,000 words, the project to combine all published 3 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 7, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2002

The Editor [Colin Bradford] is delighted So where is this column going? I’ve no press. That anyone finds it remarkable to be able to introduce to Terrier idea. I’ll give it a go and see what happens. that politicians might, on occasion, tell readers a humble, yet outstandingly less than the whole truth, is beyond me. adequate, successor to our much-loved A more important question is “Where Or that civil servants might do likewise. erstwhile columnist, Yesterday’s Man. is ACES going?” I sometimes wonder And to get excited about the fact that This is the first of what we hope will be if a RICS (of which more later) type spin doctors lie seems surely to miss the a popular and long-running column by makeover is needed. ACES expertise point. One of the suggested remedies to the Suffolk Scribbler. and influence centres on the provision prevent all this is to make aspirant spin of estates services in local government. doctors take, and presumably pass, the I thought the auditions queue for Peters and Waterman were The civil service exams before being able to Yesterday’s Man (YM) would have gone Management Gurus of the 80s. One take up employment. In this way only right round the block but no, just a guest of their principles was “Stick to the the right people would be let in ie no column from Malcolm (MacAskill), with a knitting”. So why does ACES want to riff-raff. Like the titled senior mandarin nice picture to cut out and frame. Mine extend membership to groups of people who announced, with great erudition has pride of place on the mantelpiece. It who DON’T provide estates services and sangfroid, when events took a turn keeps the kids away from the fire. in local government while insisting, for the worse – Canute-like, that those who DO provide The last issue was full of references to estates services to local government, “We’re all f*****. I’m f*****. You’re f*****. Cardiff and, by coincidence, I was there but are NOT directly employed by local The whole department’s f*****. It’s been only the week before the AGM with that government, are excluded. Seems the biggest cock-up ever and we’re all Diamond Fenland Geezer, the real YM. perverse to me. completely f*****.” Really? It was the occasion of the last STEPS Seminar of all time and County Hall Cardiff ACES Council in January now ran Ps - Is there anyone there? was the last stop on YM’s Farewell Tour. through the now traditional “I hate the Although his Betty ‘n Bert Roadshow went RICS” exchange of anecdotes. I am sure The only complaint I ever heard YM like clockwork at Cambridge and Walsall, they are all true. And the most damming make about ACES was that throughout it nearly fell at the last hurdle. Adrian criticism of all is surely the failure to all the 35 years of writing his column he (James) was introducing Betty’s pre-lunch reply to members’ correspondence. was never sure that anyone actually read spot while I was doing a last minute sound Could I offer two comments? As it. So feel free to comment via the Editor check on the laptop. As Adrian got to “and someone now outside local government “if you feel the urge.” I promise not to here she is…” we both looked up and she I know that the RICS is not the use the standard response to letters of had disappeared! Someone muttered, only organisation to demonstrate complaint allegedly used by some MPs “Bl**dy hell, she’s b****red off”, but all was institutional failure to answer letters. ie “Dear Sir, Today I received an abusive well. She was actually scrabbling round And secondly it seems pointless to letter from some crackpot who signed on the floor recovering the contents of an repeatedly share these thoughts your name. I thought you ought to know up-turned briefcase. So Cardiff was saved between ourselves meeting after about it as you may wish to take action and did not miss out on its share of GN11 meeting. Let’s do something. Anything to stop it.” Update, the Valuation of Social Housing, would be better than nothing. or Betty’s brilliant demonstration of the “Australian Position”. Did they say that?

YM’s organisational skill will be sadly I am their leader; I must follow them. missed. Come back YM, your profession Bonar Law. needs you. Graveyards are full of indispensable While at Cardiff I never saw The Castle men. Charles de Gaulle. or The Aluminium Stadium but the Cardiff County Hall area showed signs of If anyone feels the urge, let me know. huge capital investment. There will be The President at ACES Council 22.01.02. an impressive Master Plan somewhere, probably with people and vehicles Welder’s spot stenciled in. Pity that on the ground there were no people and few vehicles I had intended to close the column with moving about. The whole area looked a humorous story but have been much strangely devoid of humanity. taken up with the shenanigans at the DTLR, current at the time of going to

4 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 7, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2002

Worcester and Caernarfon may be totally forgotten by the time The too fine a point on it; it was wrong! Terrier thuds onto the doormat, as was So, Worcester has come and gone since probably the case with the DTLR asterisks Do you remember, “Thirty days hath the last issue and what an excellent piece. (And here, I’m trying to avoid the September, April, June and November?” conference it was. Every presentation was temptation of mentioning that both Byers Well in EG 2002 June has thirty-one days spot on and the organisation immaculate. and the DTLR have now gone). But I did and so an additional day is introduced. It looked a lovely town too and I was want to reproduce, in written form, the Then, to make things worse, the EG July sorry I wasn’t able to stay longer. The Roy Keane resignation speech that, by starts on Sunday, not Monday like everyone after-dinner comedian, the self styled all accounts, would be ideal for the “early else. Accordingly, July ends a day earlier “former Chief Executive of Dudley”, knew retirement” speech you will all have to than everyone else. The good news is that every local government joke that’s ever make one day. Unfortunately, the speech the EG, and the world, are back together been told and kept most of us busy was not reproduced in my Sunday paper, again on Thursday first of August. jotting down the best ones. Personally I as it was in many others. I think the printer thought an after-dinner comedian was had run out of asterisks. Has it been destroyed my faith in the a masterstroke; much better than the accuracy of this eminent journal? Not all-day comedians most organisers seem The Estates Gazette really. I always thought June was too to lay on. The only fly in the ointment was short anyway. The Peartree, a lovely friendly place, but The Estates Gazette has been an ever- it was a long, long way away. Malcolm present icon in my professional life. I The RICS (Williams) was kind enough to give me a entered the profession long ago and lift back on Friday afternoon and he took although the vellum version with Clearly my comments last time struck the opportunity to drive by Shire Hall that illuminated capital letters had just been home. At the last Council meeting it looked like an up-market Xanadu. phased out I well remember the foolscap was clear that peace had broken out. model printed on quality glossy paper. ACES was wined and dined by the RICS While on the subject of conferences I hear My first office had hundreds of old copies on the previous evening and the RICS a whisper that Colin (Bradford), who brings lying around so I was able to read up was anxious to assure ACES that it was forth the conference presentations in on the previous ten years while getting “pushing at an open door.” printed form, has acquired a young, live- acquainted with the present. Before wire assistant editor and so the production the old copies were finally scrapped I Ps Is there anyone there? of conference papers will be speeded up. extracted all reports on compensation We shall see. If he’s as good as he’s cracked claims and eventually amassed a My cri de coeur in the last issue did up to be, by Troon, the edited version magnificent collection, unfortunately long produce a few replies. Many thanks. The should be out before the presentations are since lost. New readers may be astonished phrase reminds me a little of the story actually made. to realise that in the old days there were a about the Building Surveyor doing an number of compensation cases reported external roof survey on a block of flats By the way, going back to Caernarfon, the EVERY week! when he lost his footing on the ridge. opening fragment from one of one of the He slid down the slates, went over the sessions has fallen into my hands. Can To me, the Estates Gazette has always edge and just managed to get hold of anyone remember who said this? been a guiding light and an example or the guttering. So there he was suspended accuracy and continuity. over a big drop and completely unable to “Thanks very much Alun (Jones) and to haul himself back. What to do? There was everyone. As he says I have been to ACES I like the wall calendar that came free no one about. Time to seek help. “Is there for a few years now and I am starting to with the journal each year. Year after year I anyone there?” he shouted. No answer. His feel quite at home here, which is a little pinned the new one on my office wall over strength was going quickly. Desperately worrying! I am also a little bit nervous the top of the old one and when I finally he shouted again “Is there anyone there?” because I have just been given a very left, the calendars were about one eighth There was a peal of thunder and a flash heavy battery pack to attach to my loosely of an inch thick. Currently I have a copy of light and a deep booming voice said, elasticated trousers. If you see my pants at of the 2002 on the wall of the office in “What is it my son?” “I’m going to fall any stage, give me a shout will you!” my home. But tragedy struck when I was off here any minute and die” the man trying to arrange a July meeting over the screamed. “Trust me,” boomed the voice, And no, it wasn’t Keith Jones. phone. “OK then I’ll meet you on Monday “just let go and you will float gently to the ninth of July” I said. “No you won’t” said earth.” There was a long silence and the *** ast*r*sks *** my colleague, “It’s Monday the eighth, you man thought this through. Then “Is there must be looking at the wrong year”. After anyone ELSE there?” he shouted. One of the perils of this sort of column is no end of confusion the answer dawned. that topical incidents at the time of writing The EG wall calendar was faulty. Not to put Is there anyone else there? 5 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 7, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2002

Sheffield 1 An organisation chart is necessary to “Get them washed up – NOW”. “Sorry follow this story (below). Colin,” I said, “It’s not my day today but What a splendid conference! Great Terry just said he will do it in a minute.” city, great venue, great presentations, In 1963 the Building Surveyor’s Colin said, “Are you refusing to do what brilliant organisation. Who could ask Office was a small part of a very I tell you?” When I confirmed that I was for anything more? Well, after hours, we big City Engineer’s Department. he said. “Then I will have to report you got the Oughtibridge Brass Band, an There were 2 Assistant Building to Aubrey when he comes in.” LESSON 1 auctioneer direct from central casting Surveyors; one for plans, one for A professional must stand by what he and back at Halifax Hall an Austin inspections. The Inspectors’ office believes to be right, however unpopular. Powers look-a-like competition. Well was split geographically into north done Jill (Bungay); and John (Bungay) and south and each Area supported a Enter Aubrey (the Senior Building who had prepared a set of printed travel senior Building Inspector, 6 Building Inspector). I liked him a lot. He was put in directions for every possible eventuality. Inspectors and A Lad. the picture and said, “As a favour to me It was a record-breaking conference would you just wash those teacups?” I too. I do not ever recall the weather Terry and I, brand new trainees, were put explained the unfairness of the situation being warm enough for the Council in the Building Inspectors’ Office. The to Aubrey and said I was very sorry but meeting to be held al fresco. However daily routine was that all the Inspectors I would not. Aubrey then said, “Are you the most disappointing sight of the came into the office first thing, sorted refusing to do what I tell you?” “Yes” I event was Malcolm Dawes struggling out paperwork, drank tea and then went confirmed. “Then I will have to report down the stairs to his limousine with a out until about 4. The Trainees (Lads) you to Tommy when he comes in.” very heavy case probably containing at made the tea on alternate days and then Tommy was the Superintendent Building least 50 unsold framed Sheffield prints. were expected to leave the office and Inspector in charge of the 2 teams. An enterprising marketing idea Malcolm not return until late afternoon. But we but you should realise that mugs are few were given no work to do. By the way, in the midst of all this Terry and far between at an ACES Conference. had returned, innocently picked up the On this particular day I was in the tray and the offending teacups. Colin Sheffield 2 office in the afternoon waiting for the spotted this and ordered him to put Inspectors to return. Terry had popped them back and leave them alone. Not many people know this but I out to do something but had not actually started my professional career washed the morning teacups and said Enter Tommy (the aforesaid Superintendent in this city. I was plucked out of the he would do it on his return, in a few Building Inspector). Aubrey put him in the Sheffield dole queue, (shades of The minutes’ time. picture. After a similar dialogue eventually Full Monty) and offered a professional Tommy asked, “Are you refusing to do what trainee place by Sheffield Corporation, Enter Colin (a Building Inspector), not you are told?” When I said yes, he said “Then as it was known then. Not, unfortunately, in a good mood. “What’s these bloody I have no alternative but to report you to by Jill Bungay’s mentor, DJBD George, teacups still doing here?” he said to me, Mr. Stenton.” with those rather posh people upstairs, but by the Building Surveyor in the City Engineer’s department, altogether far more basic and down to earth. Sheffield 1963 CITY The Building Surveyor’s office approved ENGINEER plans under Building Byelaws and

BUILDING inspected works in progress. The Building SURVEYOR Surveyor was a chartered surveyor but

ASSISTANT ASSISTANT most other staff were not and his Grand BUILDING BUILDING SURVEYOR SURVEYOR Design was to fully professionalise his staff, (PLANS) (INSPECTION) over time hence the new professional SENIOR SENIOR BUILDING BUILDING traineeships. And so it was that when Terry INSPECTOR INSPECTOR (SOUTH) (NORTH) and I were appointed the existing staff were not too welcoming and were not SIX BUILDING INSPECTORS SIX BUILDING INSPECTORS prepared to give us anything to do, other than making the morning tea. And yet it TERRY BERT (THE LAD) (THE LAD) was in these unpromising surroundings that I was taught two important lessons in William Marshall FRICS professional conduct.

6 THE SCRIBBLER Mr. Stenton was the Assistant Building this year watching the Commonwealth he was sat in the front of the upper Surveyor (Plans) and the de facto Games and admiring the splendid new deck of a double decker bus. He began deputy. He was always in the office. I Games Stadium. Do you remember the to fire up the engine hoping that the was sent for. Mr. Stenton went through presentation of Gerry Hughes of GVA heavy rain would at least ease before he a somewhat foreshortened dialogue. Grimley and Nicola Jansco of Urban started his display. He said, “Are you going to wash up Strategies Inc. on Urban Regeneration those teacups?” When I said “No” he said “How to make urban design add There were already spectators lining the “Then I must report this to The Building value”? One of their illustrations was spectator fence, regulars by the look Surveyor.” After a short time the Building East Manchester “probably the biggest of it. They were all sat on deck chairs, Surveyor sent for me too. He said, “Are regeneration project of its kind.” The protected by giant golf umbrellas, you going to wash up those teacups?” flagship element of the regeneration was and wore baseball caps, shades and When I said, “No” he said, “Then go back said to be “the new 48,000-seat stadium aeroplane badges. They were nice and and sit at your desk.” for the Commonwealth Games. After the dry. The rain was thudding down on Games are over it will to be occupied by my ex-army waterproof and the hood This I did and I have to say that by now I Manchester City, the football team.” All was well and truly up. I stood behind was wishing that I could play the game this has come to pass and ACES was given the regulars but still very close to the all over again but in a different way. As a sneak preview. Unfortunately Gerry Grumman Avenger. I sat at my desk wondering what was got one thing wrong. He went on to say, going to happen I failed to notice that “As someone once said, “Great scheme, The pilot now had the engine running most of the staff seemed to have found crap team”. Well thanks to the managerial nice and smooth. The plane was parked something to do close by. The phone abilities of the former European Footballer at stylish 45 degrees to the fence and on my desk then began to ring in a loud of the Year (twice) Sir Kevin Keegan, “Wee behind it the wash from the big propeller and continuous tone, quite different to Kevin”, Manchester City has hit the big along the wet grass was impressive. the usual one. I took no notice but one time. Now in the Premiership “The City” I wondered how the pilot would of the Inspectors helpfully advised, “I is eighth in the table, played 4, won 2, manoeuvre the plane out in the absence think that’s for you.” 6 points in total. Always remember the of the tugs used in “Airline”. Ah yes he had golden rule for presentations. Never make his parking brakes full on. Obviously he I picked it up. “Hello” I said. A booming a flippant, off the cuff, derogatory remark would rev up a bit, ease off the left wheel voice came on the line. I thought it was about a football team; unless it’s Arsenal. brake, swivel around the braked right God. It was. “This is the City Engineer here” wheel and then move off when pointing the voice announced, “Are you going The Grumman Avenger away from the spectator area. to wash up those teacups?” I thought through the alternatives and, after a A number of people have complained to And this he proceeded to do. Mind you I few second’s delay said, “Yes.” He put the me about the lack of aeronautical notes thought it would get a bit breezy when phone down. LESSON 2 A professional in this column. So here goes. the full effect off that propeller wash must stand by what he believes to came right over us. So I tightened up the be right, however unpopular, until it There were more than 30 operational hood of my waterproof, put my hands becomes obvious that the steamroller is airfields in Suffolk in World War II and my over my ears and closed my eyes and going to run right over you. local one does its best to maintain the mouth; even though the experts in front historical connection. There is still a small of me seemed totally unconcerned. The There was an audible sigh of relief in the grass runway and the control tower and slipstream, as the plane rotated in front room as I stood up, packed the cups on a number of flying events are organised of us impressively warm, wet and very the tray and walked over to the kitchen each year. A few months ago I managed powerful. As it died away I opened my and pushed through the door. It closed to attend my first event, a “fly-in”. The eyes to see in front of me a row of totally behind me and as I began to put the day was marred by a thunderstorm, wrecked golf umbrellas and some very tray down the door opened again. Every with heavy rain, which hovered over the startled spectators without baseball Building Inspector, except Colin, came in. airfield for about 2 hours. caps and shades, as these were, by now, spread over the field about 100 yards “Put that stuff down,” I was told, “We’ll do The Grumman Avenger is a mid-wing behind me. the washing up; that was the best show monoplane US Navy World War II carrier- we’ve had in years.” based torpedo bomber. It carried a crew The Avenger went unconcerned about of three. It weighs more than 15,000 lbs, its business and put in a good flying Woolacombe revisited or could carry a 2,000 lb bomb load and display despite the weather. The regulars remember you saw it first at has a 1,700 HP 14 cylinder air-cooled went home. I think I’ll go again. an ACES conference radial supercharged engine. One parked up against the spectator fence. It was I do not watch much athletics as all that big, blue and beautiful but looked far bulging Lycra inflames my inferiority too big to land on a WWII carrier, but it complex. But many of you probably spent did. The pilot was in residence about 16 a lot of time in front of the telly earlier feet above ground. It looked as though 7 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 7, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2002/3

I enjoyed the TOMORROW’S MAN pieces week when there was some film from chartered surveyor actually breaking in the last issue, too much if truth be Duxford on the local TV news. It was a sweat while working” referring to Simon told, but was much intrigued by his Rededication Ceremony attended by Riggall reminded me of a similar event I opening sentence “It seems like only Prince Charles and President Bush (the was involved in some years ago. yesterday that the last issue of The original one, not George W). Guess what Terrier came through the letter box.” the opening shot was? Correct it was In 30 years my previous employer only Same here, if I might say so. Except the Grumman Avenger followed by a built one office building and made a that for me it was in fact really almost close up of the writing on the side of its right mess of it. It won architectural yesterday. Lately it seems that whatever cockpit, which I had failed to spot on awards of course but was a very poor aspect of ACES business I get involved my visit. This was “Captain George Bush”. working environment. And it would in something similar to the Bramhall He flew this type of aircraft during his have helped had it been cleaned before Triangle begins to operate and I am war service in the Pacific. In his speech staff moved in. By cleaned I mean struck off the mailing list. he made the point that he had actually removing the inch or so of builder’s completed 3 more carrier take-offs than rubble that covered all the floors. The Grumman landings during his service and so had Shoving this to one side so the removers Avenger revisited a much closer acquaintance with the could put the desk down somehow Pacific Ocean than most. seemed less than adequate. Having received favourable comments on this topic here is a little more. So much for Duxford, but the wheel of There were no openable windows as the coincidence continued to turn as, only building was air-conditioned. Usually From time to time I meet my brother a few days later, an interested observer this worked well except that some Peter, in Letchworth, obviously. Last could have spotted Yesterday’s Man and de-humidifying units, located behind time, just for a change, we decided to the Suffolk Scribbler wandering round the suspended ceiling, did not have meet at Duxford Airfield, which is, as you Rougham Airfield together on its last overflow pipes for the copious amounts will all know, part of the Imperial War flying day of 2002. I may explain why of water these units are designed Museum and a world renowned heritage next time; or then again, I may not. to generate. There was one over my complex. The occasion was some desk and as the temperature went up National Bus Rally and Peter was going The Estates Gazette eventually it overflowed onto the desk. anyway so I agreed to meet him there. strikes again It was then time to call Graham. He On the day, having got an impression stood on the desk, took out some ceiling of the average bus enthusiast, I After my complicated piece on the panels, and drained the water into a wandered about hoping not to meet Estates Gazette calendar back in July bucket. It was usually best to keep out anyone who actually knew me and as the joke is on me. Our Autumn Branch of the way while this was being done. it happened I didn’t, including Peter, as meeting was on Friday 8 November. Throughout the process Graham kept up we failed to make contact. The point of All I was trying to do was arrange, over a merry chatter except on the occasion this somewhat lengthy preamble is to the phone, a meeting close to that and when he missed the bucket and shot emphasise, I think, that I am not, nor it was proving to be very complicated. about 3 gallons of water all over my have I ever been, a member of any bus Was I losing my grip? I couldn’t seem papers and files. Apart from a few dabs enthusiast organisation. to get the days right. Then I realised. with his grubby hanky he said not a My trusty EG Calendar is also faulty in word and went away about his business. The newest building at Duxford is the the November area. That month starts, American Air Museum, a superlative erroneously, with Thursday the first But that wasn’t the time sweat broke example of a modern and vast and never really recovers thereafter. out. There was a conference room on exhibition hall that you, as property Hopefully it’s back on track with Sunday the ground floor where, among other people, should all make a point of trying first December. If not, my turkey may get things, property committee meetings to see. I made a beeline for it and what stuffed a day early. took place. This was the summer should I see suspended on wires just meeting, mid June, and it was very hot inside the entrance but a Grumman Anyway I hope it is not too early, or too that day. In those days I used to wear Avenger in World War II Pacific Theatre late, to wish you all the compliments, or a lovely thick woollen 3-piece office livery. What a coincidence! It was only is it complements, of the season. suit in a steely blue with a pin stripe a few days after my visit to Rougham of the type sported by the aforesaid as reported last time! But there is more. Air conditioning Simon Riggall. I was the bees’ knees. In front of the American Air Museum The meeting format was that others was a temporary grandstand and other I enjoy Ian Nisbet’s conference notes, did their papers first then I was on bits and pieces which I thought no now a welcome regular feature of The after about an hour for the remaining more about, until, that is, the following Terrier. His statement “The sight of a hour or two. The meeting started at

8 THE SCRIBBLER 10.30 in the morning and as I went into interesting joint presentation on “Real of the crew, where anything was in the the room it was obvious that the air- estate partnerships” by Land Securities fire station, or how that particular model handling equipment had failed. It was Trillium and Nabarro Nathanson? Also of fire engine worked. already hot and steamy, not the usual in the same Estates Gazette (09.11.02) atmosphere for a property committee. there is an informative piece by The national fire service would operate Land Securities on the new LandFlex on a strictly limited overall budget, set I sat there and gently sautéed for about system jointly produced with Nabarro by central government but allocated an hour then got up to do my stuff. It is Nathanson. This was hinted at during locally by local primary fire trusts surprising how much the temperature of the Sheffield presentation. Apparently consisting of committees of full-time a close room increases when filled with “Land Securities has undertaken a firemen attending meetings in their 10 officers, about 15 members and a lot complete review of its approach to spare time, retired accountants, local of hot air. Our practice was to stand and providing property solutions and politicians and lay people. Their main briefly paraphrase each paper before recognises the need to offer its tenants function would be to explain to people discussion and, hopefully, approval. (from now on, its customers) a choice whose houses had burnt down why they of solutions. At the heart of this new had been unable to allocate more of The maximum temperature recorded approach lies LandFlex.” “From now the budget to that particular aspect of that day, in the room, was about on, in designated buildings, LandSec the service because of the pressure on 115 Fahrenheit. As I stood there, wet will be offering customers a choice of them to reach the target set for rescuing through, looking at the papers and lease structures, space configuration stranded cats from trees. gently paraphrasing, first of all the and service levels along with certainty sweat began to drip off the end of my of costs.” The practices developed by Naturally, a large number of skilled line nose and onto the papers and then, Land Securities Trillium for its portfolio managers, executive officers, senior as I really warmed up, it began to drip are clearly spreading to the wider executive officers, liaison officers, quality off both eyebrows too. Eventually the commercial world. control consultants and media relations accumulated sweat on my papers began officers would be needed to convince to make the ink run but, fortunately, I Finally a word on us all that the national fire service was managed to finish before the papers the fire business working better each year and was the finally dissolved. What a day. envy of the world. Recently I have taken to reading The Professional update Telegraph on Saturdays and in the Alongside the national fire service, 16 November issue came across this insurance companies could be Sorry to introduce a professional tone excellent letter from Dr Roger Peberdy, encouraged to provide alternative into this distinguished journal but even of Droitwich Spa, Worcestershire under private sector fire cover. They would before the ink is dry on the Sheffield the heading “Fired by example of NHS take over all the fancy, expensive state- Conference Papers (before it’s even wet management”. It offers an alternative of-the-art fire engines and equipment actually), things are on the move in the solution to the current fire service and provide an additional service to private sector. dispute in terms that most of you will all those who were prepared to pay large recognise. I commend the letter to you. premiums. Privately insured people Auction musical chairs. All those at It’s worth reading. would enjoy such advantages as choice Sheffield will remember Felix Rigg the of colour of fire engine to be sent, auctioneer and jazz pianist. He and “Why can't we have a national fire whether to have foam or water sprayed his colleague Simon Riggall gave an service run on the lines of the NHS? on the flames, and free tea, coffee and interesting presentation on “The use a biscuit while waiting for the fire to be of auctions for property disposals” on Green Goddess fire appliances (generic, put out.” behalf of their employers Colliers CRE. cheap and cost-effective) could be Well according to the Estates Gazette stationed in each town, manned by 09.11.02 Felix has moved on. Apparently idealistic public sector workers willing John Barnett and Jonathan Ross (no not to work long hours for low pay, together that JR) recently left the major auction with firemen recruited from abroad who house Harman Healey (HH), after 30 speak only basic English and are trained years’ joint service, to form their own in entirely different methods. company called, after a lot of burning of the midnight oil no doubt, Barnett Ross. These crews would usually need to be This left a bit of a gap at HH and Felix supplemented by firemen supplied left Colliers CRE and moved to HH on 28 at considerable expense by private October and took the rostrum for the agencies, to make sure that each first time as HH principal auctioneer at a appliance at least looks as if it has a major sale 2 days later. minimal crew aboard it when called out, even though agency firemen would not Landflex. And do you remember that be expected to know the area, the rest 9 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 8, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2003

One of the problems in putting together the Council meeting was held out of At school we had an enthusiastic jazz a column of this nature is that hot doors. OK, it was early September. club and band. The time came when we topics at the time of writing become There was little wind, a clear blue felt old enough to go and see our jazz yesterday’s mashed potatoes when sky and a temperature in the mid heroes at live concerts. There was plenty seen in cold print. So far I cannot see a seventies. But it’s catching on. Norwich of public transport and venues. The first way round this but as I have a number City Football club has now, again for band I saw was Chris Barber and his Jazz of such unused pieces on file they will the first time ever, held its AGM out Band at, in fact, the Gaumont Doncaster. inevitably be recycled in some way or of doors. It makes a lot of sense. The I could give you the line up now but will other in future columns. Will you be able Club has 6,000 shareholders all of forgo that pleasure. Doncaster was a to spot them? Meanwhile….. whom can, potentially, attend. And little far afield but fortuitously, at about after all Carrow Road is a perfectly that time, the Musician’s Union lifted its Asylum seekers acceptable venue so why spend good ban on American live music and The City money hiring somewhere else. In Hall became a principal venue on the Unable, or incapable, or unwilling, to deal fact 300 attended despite the intense visiting jazz stars’ circuit. in any way efficiently with “asylum seekers” competition of Eastenders. All went the Home Office has been looking around well and business was dealt with calmly Perversely the first jazz band I saw at for a softer target. And it thought it had and briskly. The only slight downside Sheffield was Humphrey Lyttleton and found it out here in the East. It identified was that on Tuesday 8 January 9, his Band. After that I saw every touring a British grandmother living near 2003 the temperature at 7 pm, the American jazz star. Count Basie, Duke Felixstowe. All her family, children and starting time of the meeting, was 2 Ellington, Earl Hines, Eddie Condon, grandchildren live close by. Her mother, degrees centigrade BELOW zero. Delia Kid Ory, Big Bill Broonzy, MJQ, Jazz at who may have been a GI bride, brought pronounced the event “huge fun”. the Philharmonic, Dave Brubeck and so her back to England after the marriage on. Magical names, most of which are in America failed. She was then aged 2. Louis Armstrong (or oh no, utterly confusing my spell checker, so I’ll That was 50 years ago and she has lived not Sheffield again) leave it there, except for one more; the here ever since. She has no family, friends, great Satchmo himself. connections or memories of America. If you’ve read the Sheffield papers yet you will remember the Sheffield City When we heard he was coming we After her mother died the Home Office Centre Regeneration piece by Alison booked early, and on the night, got informed her that she was American, Nimmo and Carolyn Kenny. The City there early. I was on stage, on the front had no right to live in the UK and should Hall was featured. “We are trying to find row, next to the right hand lion. I can’t “go back” to America as soon as possible. creative ways to unlock the value of remember the supporting band at On being challenged the Home Office The City Hall … to regenerate it and the all but the tension built as they went relented and said if you can prove surrounding streets, and develop these through their set. After the interval the that you have lived here continuously into a new square.” I wish them well. All Stars came on stage one by one for 15 years you can stay. It then, over and then Satchmo was announced. many months rejected every piece 45 years ago, when I was a regular patron He came out on to the stage and of documentary evidence produced, the City Hall was a top concert venue. stood in between the lions saluting driving the grandmother to the brink The building is circular in plan with a big the crowd with arms outstretched one of a nervous breakdown before finally open stage area capable of taking the hand clutching his trademark white giving the lady 4 days to leave the UK. biggest orchestra. Behind this is a tiered handkerchief and the other the golden bank of seats, a bit like the Albert Hall, trumpet. His roar of greeting was At this point she interested the local TV capable of seating massed choirs, so drowned by the roar of the crowd. He in her story and this appeared on the that, for example, Handel’s Messiah could was about six foot in front of me and local news. The immediate Home Office be staged comfortably, as it often was. I could see him, or at least his back, response AFTER the broadcast was made If these seats were not needed for the clearly. Although a musical giant he was was to say that there had clearly been performance they were made available in reality quite small. He had obviously some mistake, the lady was clearly British cheaply to customers and provided an been briefed on the customers on the and there was absolutely no question of uncomfortable, unusual, but if you got stage and didn’t want to ignore us. He her having to leave the country. there early enough, exciting viewpoint. took a couple of steps to the right and Performers accessed the stage area up a turned round to face us. He was right And as ever no names, no pack drill. flight of stairs that emerged centre stage in front of me. He looked me in the eye, level with the front row of stage seats. smiled, and with outstretched arms ACES Council, a trendsetter? The exit was guarded on both sides by again roared his greeting straight at me. large lions, which stared sombrely out at I don’t think I stopped smiling for weeks. At Sheffield, for the first time ever, the audience.

10 THE SCRIBBLER Rejuvenating jazz, it’s official waste. The temporary heap is circular target. The rat rotated round in the hole and made from green plastic slats that and then resumed its earlier position. Yesterday I went to the Theatre Royal interlock together. The slats have holes On closer inspection the rodent turned in Bury St Edmunds for an evening of about an inch and a half in diameter out to be deceased and had been for a great British jazz by the Great British to allow the heap to breathe but week so. I had trapped it in the bin with Jazz Band, a touring group of British unfortunately the lid has disappeared the fence panel (it had been rummaging jazz legends. After a highly enjoyable so the stuff inside is far too wet. So I around in there when I put the panel evening of very loud joyous music I went popped half a fence panel on the top to on!) and it had tried to squeeze out home feeling much rejuvenated. With keep the wet out and left it. through the hole and had got stuck fast. one exception, every member of the Mind you even though it had been dead Band was much older than me! A week later I was out again clearing for a week it still had the power to scare away the dying vegetation around the the sh*t out of me! The Grumman Avenger compost heaps. While I was bent over pulling out weeds on one side of the And finally, the Defence I’ve been taken to task about the temporary heap something caught Dental Agency (DDA) sexist nature of some of my material; my eye and on turning my head I saw particularly the aforesaid aeroplane. the biggest rat I had ever seen about 6 Although now “retired” I like to keep my “Why is there nothing for the ladies?” inches away from the end of my nose. finger on the pulse of the jobs’ market, etc. So, as I know little about spot “Aaaaarrgh*!!##!” I screamed, moving at after all who knows? Recently I saw a welding, or the scrap metal trade, how the same time, very rapidly, to the other job advertised by an outfit I had never about gardening? side of the garden. heard of before, the Defence Dental Agency, part of the Ministry of Defence. Gardening notes 1 I regained my composure after a minute The DDA, so the blurb tells us, is based or two and walked down the path so I in Buckinghamshire and is responsible I am a fair weather gardener. All things could see the rat again while keeping a for the timely provision of trained dental being equal in the summer I am seldom safe distance. It was still there. Half out personnel throughout the Armed Forces inside; in the winter I seldom venture of one the holes in the slats and poised to meet operational requirements in out. Lately I have not really wanted to do to clear off, but, as I had disturbed it, it peace and times of conflict. It employs too much outside and not just because was lying doggo waiting for me to go some 1,000 staff worldwide and has an of the inclement weather. no doubt. It was big, very big; I could annual budget of £42m. That’s a lot of see the glint in its black eye and the teeth. The DDA was looking for a new The extensive gardens of Scribbler wind ruffling its surprisingly thick fur. I Chief Executive. It didn’t say if there was Towers were dug over and ready for actually hate rats and it was at this point a nice uniform but the advert sported a winter by mid-November. All permanent I lost my presence of mind. real snazzy logo. I’ll bet the DDA’s motto compost heaps were full and battened is “Who drills, fills”. down and the temporary heap was From about 15 yards away I hurled half now only being topped up with kitchen a house brick at it and was bang on

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 8, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2003

End of season football results And remember that the 2004 the previous round when Harrogate Presidential Meeting may now take got through, thanks to the opposition Quality amusing football stories are few place at Upton Park, so make sure you goalkeeper. and far between. Perhaps humour was pack your boots just in case the first forced out when all the millions flowed team is one short. I forget the exact details but I think our in. By the sound of it we are likely to team was leading by one goal when spend all summer listening to reports 1. Harrogate Railway one of its forwards went down injured as to who’s going where and for how in the centre circle. The ref immediately much. No wonder many fans suffer from Remember the good cup run of the stopped the game to allow treatment. real depression between mid May and team Harrogate Railway last season? Or When that was sorted the ref called a September due to the lack of football. as one wag unkindly put it “Harrogate is member of each team to the centre Perhaps they worry, like I do, about served by Arriva Trains so the club ought circle to tell them he was going to whether the top players still get their to be renamed Harrogate Replacement restart the game by a bounce up and £50,000 a week during their summer Bus Service.” Their cup run came to end he suggested that the opposition holidays? So to make up for this, I have on 8 December 2002 when the team player should punt the ball down to the saved up a number of footballing stories was “soundly thrashed” by Bristol City. Harrogate goalie and the game could that might just amuse. But an amusing incident occurred in restart properly from there. All agreed. 11 THE SCRIBBLER The ball was bounced. The opposition 3.Black (and white) humour aboard, our hero slept through France, player lazily punted the ball downfield. the ferry crossing to Dover, and the His boot made the best connection with England manager Sven-Goran Eriksson long drive north until the party reached the ball that he had ever made, with the was approached by a Newcastle fan the outskirts of Glasgow. Searching result that it flew like an Exocet Missile with a waspish sense of humour when his sporran (In my opinion an act of into the net. returning from the Champions League supreme courage in any circumstances. match against Internazionale. As Ed) they found his address and duly Pandemonium ensued. Intense Eriksson queued for his flight, a member delivered their new friend, by now discussions between the players and of the Toon Army rushed up to him. grinning inanely, but still incoherent, to the ref took place in the centre circle. “I’ve terrible news for you, Mr Eriksson,” his front door. In due course an acceptably Corinthian he said. “Has the war started?” asked solution emerged. Harrogate would Eriksson, “No. Worse. You've been linked The lady of the house, resplendent restart the game as normal, pass the ball with the Sunderland manager's job!” in dressing gown and hair-rollers, back to a nominated player who would answered their enthusiastic knocking then dribble the ball through to the 4. Mum’s the word and the following conversation ensued. opposition gaol, unopposed, and score, thus restoring the status quo. Birmingham City has come up with a "Is this your son?" novel idea for Mother's Day. Advertising It worked like a dream, almost! The a “day she will never forget” for £26.95 "Aye, I'm sorry to say he is that." Harrogate forward dribbled through lucky mum will get a guided tour of as agreed, until he reached a full back the St Andrews dressing rooms and "Well, you'll be glad to know we've in the opposition penalty area. This dugouts, a picture taken by the club brought him home safe and sound." particular player had failed to grasp the photographer, a special gift, a chance to essential elements of the agreement. win VIP tickets to a Birmingham home "Well that’s bloody marvellous; he's Perhaps he had not listened, or just game, and a special appearance by Beau supposed to be on honeymoon in the disagreed with the solution or perhaps Brummie, the club's mascot. (I am not Algarve." he didn’t do Latin; whatever he tackled making this up). the forward and dispossessed him of 6. Record sending off the ball. 5. Celtic A footballer, Lee Todd, claims the world The crowd fell silent, the ref was in The heart goes out to Celtic fans. After record for incurring a red card, in his despair, and all the players froze, except a season of great promise they end up case 2 seconds into a match. Apparently one, the opposition goalie. Like a with nothing. We Ipswich fans know the ref blew the whistle for the kick-off greyhound from the trap he raced from how you feel. The enthusiasm of Celtic and Todd, standing close by, said “F**K his goal line, tackled his full back, some fans is legendary. Before the UEFA me; that’s loud!” The ref ordered him off say too violently, turned, and booted the Cup final against Porto in Seville it was for using foul and abusive language. ball into his own goal. All was well. estimated that 50,000 supporters would travel to Spain, most without tickets, but Alison Nimmo CEO Sheffield 1 2. Goalies again all content to soak up the atmosphere and follow the game on big screens Alison was first presentation on at If you think David Seaman had a bad in the city's squares. Reportedly the the Sheffield ACES Conference and season, spare a thought for James fans have caused little trouble, over obviously made a big impact. Within 9 Leggat of Mansfield. After one game the years, in their travels across Europe months she is on the front page of RICS James gently tapped a goalpost to get though it is said that not all return either BUSINESS. Now you can read all about mud off his boots and was promptly promptly or sometimes not at all, as this how Alison is leading the regeneration knocked out when the crossbar fell on well-known story about Celtic’s famous of Sheffield in both ASSET SHEFFIELD – his head. A reminder that goalkeeping is match in Lisbon 36 years ago illustrates. 02 and RICS BUSINESS. But remember, a dangerous business. you saw Alison first at an ACES In the early hours of the Thursday Conference. Just ask Bernie Marsh. He was once morning following Celtic's historic 2-1 in goal for Balcombe Reserves in the victory, a coach-load of supporters was The RICS Mid-Sussex League, and towards the travelling home through the Portuguese end of the game, he was back-pedalling, countryside when the headlights picked Now that peace has broken out with The Seaman-style, to save a long-range lob. out a kilted figure, who had obviously Institution I think that we (you) in local He never made it though as he failed supped copiously of Vinho Verde, government should review whether to spot a Ford Sierra moving through weaving his inebriated way along the our participation in RICS affairs is as the six-yard box. A spectator who was roadside. Drawing to a halt, they asked enthusiastic as it could be. blocked in had decided to take a short the lonely foot soldier where he lived. cut home. "Glasgae" came the slurred reply, and For example out in the East the he promptly passed out. Hauling him redoubtable Geoffrey Dyball FRICS,

12 THE SCRIBBLER Breton Chartered Surveyors, goes to walkers together with a baby and several on Saturday 6 September 2003; put it in infinite trouble to organise the Annual clogs (sic) gathered at the Thorpeness your diary now! Lionheart Challenge. This is a sponsored Beach Café at 10 am but the idea of a walk with the aim of raising funds for prompt 10.15 start was sabotaged by And finally Lionheart. Geoffrey locates a suitable the discovery that the café did a class act venue, surveys an achievable route, in bacon baps.” (Actually the bacon and This is a little story I came across some produces maps, identifies refreshment egg baps were better.) time ago. It goes like this. opportunities along the way, checks out the quality of beers on offer and does I never did discover the identity of the One day a little blind rabbit was hopping all the promotional work. On the day walkers in clogs but out of the total, from home when he bumped into a little his partner, Nicole, drives the support memory, only 3 walkers worked in local blind toad. The toad touched the rabbit vehicle and provides bottled water, Lion government, although to be fair they with its front leg and said: "You've got bars and essential moral support for brought with them a husband, a wife, a nice soft fur; you've got nice twitchy enthusiastic participants. baby and a large, unruly, yellow dog. Oh whiskers; you've got long floppy ears. and there was a grey haired elderly gent You must be a little bunny rabbit." The walk takes place every September who in one of his more lucid moments and Geoffrey is now finalising plans for the thought that he might have once been The little bunny rabbit put out a paw Seventh Annual event. Shamefully I have employed in local government. and said: "You're very, very cold; you are only participated in two, the fourth and the extremely slimy; you've got a very big sixth. I only managed the post-lunch half In arguing our case with the RICS for mouth. You must be a Land Agent." of the fourth walk based on Sheringham more local government recognition we Norfolk, but last year I completed the were not reluctant to indicate the “great I really don’t understand why some whole 11 miles around Thorpeness and numbers” of chartered surveyors who people find this funny. Aldeburgh but only thanks to the support work in local government. Exactly, but of a professional walking team, that where were they all when the bacon dynamic duo, The Albons. baps were being distributed at the start of the walk? Still reading? Well the stop Why am I telling you all this? Well to press news is that the seventh walk quote from the organiser’s usual witty will be in the Framlingham/Earl Soham post-walk report in the RICS East of area, very handy for many East Anglian England Newsletter, “Twenty six intrepid chartered surveyors, and will take place

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 8, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2003

Troon ‘n Portsmouth Doing the Lionheart walk that “great number” working in local government, might have helped to keep So Troon has come and gone and again I mentioned in the last column the RICS us on the right track. another triumph for Malcolm (MacAskill). “Eastern” Annual Lionheart Challenge The President of the RICS impressed organised, as ever, by Geoffrey Dyball Words me. After all he came all the way from FRICS, Breton Chartered Surveyors. The Hong Kong (allegedly) and then used seventh walk duly took place on Saturday The accurate use and understanding a quote from a Scribbler column so he 6 September in the Framlingham/Earl of words is important in business and obviously must have great taste and Soham area. The good news was that the elsewhere. Misunderstandings can prove discernment. He proved to be a really turnout was up from 26 to 34 this time to be very expensive, just ask British Rail. approachable and straightforward man, and even better, Yesterdays Man joined who deserves our trust and support. me in the gentle 10-mile stroll. We were BR had problems with windscreens Better still he joined the usual convivial able to keep up with the professionals, when the new high-speed trains were Troon Thursday evening in the bar, until ie the Albons, until about 2 miles from being developed. Windscreens were not the wee small hours, as indeed did I. home at which time the rear view of a BR speciality. Steam trains didn’t have But, unlike Troon 99, I can remember Betty sadly disappeared over the horizon. them and the powerful and fast Deltics most of both Thursday evening and This was bad news as the Albons were only had, probably deliberately, small the Friday morning presentations. map reading. YM and I only have about windscreens. But a 125 mph plus train Next year’s conference organisers will 80 years’ surveying experience between needs something special to withstand have a very hard job to surpass Troon us so we immediately took a wrong turn say random birdstrike. and Portsmouth. Not only were both and set off in exactly the wrong direction. conferences very successful but also the The presence of a few more East Anglian As trial and error development only weather at both was sublime. chartered surveyors, perhaps some of produced failed windscreens BR looked 13 THE SCRIBBLER around for someone who could advise a well-known story was being recalled table at any rate, and so, mistakenly, them on development and testing. And and at the end most responded with he decided to force the pace by using they found that the USA aerospace cries of “Oh no!” or groans. But one the ‘F’ word quite gratuitously, and authorities were only too pleased to man, a mild-mannered Geordie trade just for shock effect, in the context of share their testing methods. foreman, absent-mindedly used the ‘F’ a rather unsavoury story. The effect word, not violently but quietly, in the in my vicinity was a total turnoff and “We use chickens to test our context of “Que sera sera,” or “Oh I say I think he completely lost most of his windshields,” they said. “Our test rig is how jolly unfortunate”. audience there and then; a classic major a rigid stationary test bed into which misjudgement. It might have been we fix a windshield and a special Although the dining area was noisy acceptable at a late night rugby stag cannon we have developed, which we everyone heard, including the kitchen do after a dozen or so pints but not can supply to you. All we do is fire the ladies. There was instant silence. It was acceptable for a polite, middle of the chickens into the screen. A variable like a scene from a HM Bateman cartoon. road, mixed ACES audience. charge produces variable speeds and Everyone stared at the poor unfortunate. we just observe the results.” “Good I can see him now. At that moment he Strangely enough a week later I was god, you don’t use live chickens do would have welcomed death. After a at the Theatre Royal Bury St Edmunds you?” “On no,” they replied “we buy few seconds he got up and slunk out. listening to Pete McCarthy doing his ‘em oven ready from the supermarket The Site Agent stood up and offered the author’s talk to a packed even more and keep a stock in the freezer for kitchen staff his profound apologies and middle class and middle aged audience extended testing programmes.” those of the firm and everyone present. than Portsmouth. His finale was to read The eating of lunch resumed in almost from his latest book an extract in which Brilliant. BR acquired and set up its test complete and uncomfortable silence. he meets, in a pub in Ireland, a character rig, stocked up the freezer and worked who once worked in a travelling circus. out a comprehensive development After a month of self-imposed exile the Essentially this piece reports the and testing programme. At first every man entered the canteen just before monologue delivered by this man on his windscreen failed and despite constantly lunch was served. In total silence he experiences. It involves the multiple use upgrading the screens they continued to approached the kitchen counter and, of the ‘F’ word and in the final sentence fail. The boffins checked and rechecked after being kept waiting for a minute an even more unacceptable word that but in the end went back cap in hand to or so, the kitchen staff assembled and I cannot bring myself to quote the the USA for advice. he delivered a humble and grovelling initial of in this prestigious journal. The apology and asked if he could return. audience, without exception, was rolling After prolonged exchanges of The supervisor gave her assent and he in the aisles and I still cannot read that information and intense discussions sat down. bit of the book out loud, even to myself. no progress at all was made until an Why the different reaction? innocent American expert asked rather Goodness how things have changed diffidently “But you are defrosting the forty years on. At first sight bad language Well I think there were a number of chickens first, aren’t you?” is now used by all seemingly without reasons. First the speaker spent a lot of restriction but bad language culture is far time finding out what his audience was Bad language more complicated than that. like and gently leading them on. He did not need to use shock tactics. Second I am old enough to remember when any On the streets, in public transport, in his material was genuinely funny and use of strong language in polite society the playground (?) and on the sports he was a non-threatening, likeable and was, like spitting on the upper deck of field bad language seems de rigueur. pleasant man. Third we, the audience, a double decker bus, prohibited. Now it Often I am surprised when I see who is were volunteers who had paid to go in seems that anything goes; well almost. using it and sometimes wonder if that and could just walk out. And finally and user has any idea of its meaning. Mere most importantly he was reading out A long time ago I was junior engineer on self-preservation is normally sufficient “quotes” and this seemed to make a lot a large redevelopment site in Sheffield. to make its hearing acceptable, or of difference. The site was so big that it had a proper at least tolerable, but there are still canteen with separate executive and site occasions when the use of bad language Strangely enough the over-use of bad workers dining rooms. Same food, by is absolutely unacceptable and some language seems to debase it. It should the way, but the executives were served situations where its use is beneficial and be kept in reserve for really stressful while the workers helped themselves. surprisingly successful. occasions. But there are always those The kitchen workers were all ladies and traumatic situations where, as Dennis treated as such. The canteen culture was For example I remember the after-dinner Norden once put it “Mere obscenities are that strong language was simply not speaker at Portsmouth somewhat not enough.” used; even though out on site it was, differently to that reported in the last and with great gusto. issue of The Terrier. Fine chap though My hols he undoubtedly was his humorous Then came the fateful day. At one table material was not going too well, on my Personally I swear by flaming June as

14 THE SCRIBBLER the ideal time for a holiday. And so in morning but during the day I could feel thinking that Manchester probably the second week of June I left Scribbler it getting better all the time. This was had enough of that without needing Towers behind, in the safe custody of just as well as I was due to leave the someone to organise it until I re read it the staff, and in the hope that the new following day. I got home OK. So take and got the message. And in the Bury wing would be completed and ready for care when walking footpaths but if you Free Press (that is the Bury St Edmunds use on my return, and set off for France do turn an ankle, don’t try to ignore it. Free Press) 3 weeks ago I clipped out the with motorcaravan and bike. Both ferry following advert, from situations vacant, crossings were smooth, and trouble free, Oh and by the way, the custard flan which I reproduce here verbatim “£5,000 and the weather every day was glorious; escaped the adventure completely Welcome Bonus. Royal Navy Submarine except for one. On that day it was cloudy unscathed, until, that is, I ate it. chefs and operators. Full training on so I worked out a round trip taking in full pay given. Call XXXX for more two adjoining villages and “got on my Grumman reunited information.” Am I missing something? bike”. After a pleasant ride I had a beer at the first village and bought a custard 12 months ago I first became acquainted flan at the bakers. Interestingly enough with the Grumman Avenger. And now this village had two bakers, two cafes I was on my way back to see it again. It and about half a dozen other shops; the was my local airfield’s annual big day. next village also had two bakers, but The full entrance fee is £7. Last year, as just one café and a mini supermarket. I approached the entrance, the young Any way, tucking my pastry away safely Air-Cadet undiplomatically sang out in the back pocket of my rucksack I left “Another old-age pensioner; £4”. This for the next village. On the way I saw a year the charm offensive paid off. I sign indicating some interesting ruins pulled up alongside and slowly wound across the fields so not wanting to miss down the window. “Are you a 4 or a 7?” a cultural experience I chained the bike I was asked confidentially. “I’m a 4!” I to the fence and off I went. The ruins replied with some pleasure, “and I’ll have were across a small field, and at the a programme”. top of a hill up a very steep footpath. Having seen enough and set off back The Grumman was there again complete down hill without a care in the world with pilot, Tony Haig-Thomas. There was until I completely turned my ankle on a to be a flying display in the afternoon. protruding root. Tony, a slightly over-weight sixty year old, by the look of it, (who isn’t?), was Fortunately I went down like a stone and struggling into his overalls. He then didn’t have time to put out my arm in started to “clamber aboard”; not an easy order to break it. But I did think my right task. It involved using inset foot and ankle was broken; I crashed down onto hand holds to get a knee onto the wing my left knee and then turned over once trailing edge and then a climb up on to or twice as I rolled down the steep path. the wing itself. There isn’t a door, just I didn’t rush to get up. But I was worried. a slightly extended window which the I was about 500 yards from the bike, 5 pilot has to sort of swing through. When miles from the motorcaravan and 550 the time came for the display Tony sang miles from home! I did get to the bike, out “Clear” before revving the motor up, found I could still peddle and along the even though there was no one standing way adrenalin took over and I forgot all about, and he cranked up the plane’s about the ankle. I stopped for another extremely powerful motor. beer in the second village and eventually reached “home” where I sat, read and Sadly, though I had my camera ready, took it easy for a couple of hours without there were no umbrellas or anything to be moving. Big mistake! When I did try devastated and off he went to do a very to move I couldn’t move the ankle or powerful and it has to be said, ponderous, put any weight on it at all. I do carry a flying display. See you next year! walking stick at all times in case the back goes so I gingerly hobbled down to the More jobs, see Feb 2003 site office for advice and assistance. The owner loaned me his icepack straight After the piece about the Defence from the fridge to be applied externally, Dental Agency I have come across two and prescribed Calvados, to be applied more interesting jobs. First Manchester internally. Both were helpful. I really City Council was advertising for a “Head couldn’t walk very well the following of Crime and Disorder” which set me 15 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 8, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2003/4

The AGM next door to Selfridges and the biggest wardrobe. Which suit should I wear? The city centre shopping centre I’ve ever best? Second best? What about the work Sadly not even Kylie, or Beyonce, seen. For a country boy like me the size, suit? Could I wear one of the less formal whoever he is, or even a free lunch could quality and complexity of the shops was suits? No wonder I have so little room tempt me up to Edinburgh for the AGM. almost overwhelming. By coincidence in the wardrobe with all this redundant It was merely shortage of time that kept there is a good article on Birmingham’s stuff in it. I chose the second best, me away. I did want to say a Presidential “The Regeneration Game” with a fine carefully pressed the trousers and jacket. goodbye to Malcolm I (MacAskill), and aerial photo of the Selfridges end of the Now for the major difficulty, choosing an equally Presidential hello to Malcolm city centre that puts the whole area into the shirt. II (Dawes). Hopefully I will get to Upton context. I did venture into Selfridges Park in 2004, regarded in these parts as and internally it is as spectacular as After 18 months of gym work 3 times a a local derby, and I must remember to the exterior. The shopping experience week I know I cannot do up the collar on take my boots as I might get a run out too is superior. Eventually, down in most of my shirts but fortunately I did with the first team if it’s one short. You the basement food hall, I purchased a find one that almost fitted, and put on have a hard act to follow Malcolm II, best Gloucester Old Spot pork pie, a crab the tie. This was beginning to look quite of luck. quiche and some olives “Would you like smart although I was already feeling a to try some first sir?” bit dizzy due to oxygen starvation. Then And then it will be Nottingham and the phone rang disrupting matters. After Richard (Allen). Although my father On the way out I passed some security dealing with that I finished dressing was born in that city and I lived fairly staff attending, very professionally, and then set off to the Ipswich venue, a close by for 25 years, I have only visited to a lady who had fainted. I think private members’ club in the town centre. once. I attended a conference at a city someone must have told her the price The journey went well and the park ‘n centre hotel; though precisely what the of the pork pies. ride bus set off as soon as I got on. conference was about I can no longer remember. But I do recall that the hotel Sorry! I have to admit that after 3 years I was being used a film set and its parking felt good wearing a suit again; smart, was in a next door public multi-storey. Shortly before I “retired” I took out a professional and comfortable. The lunch As I left my car in its tender care I fixed rate mortgage and almost at was highly enjoyable, a super meal saw that police, IN PAIRS, patrolled it. once interest rates fell to their lowest and another good turnout including Goodbye car! rate for nearly a century. A little later I a former Chief Executive, 2 County invested most of my retirement capital Surveyors and a Director of Planning And then it will be young Betty Albon’s in income-producing stock exchange and Transportation, a County Solicitor, turn in 2006, about time too. Hopefully based investments. And almost at Chief Probation Officer, 2 County Fire the venue will be the same as last time once the bottom fell out of the market. Officers, 2 County Treasurers, a County so I should be able to manage the Recently I decided to buy myself out of Planning Officer, a Chief Constable, a 10-minute journey. the fixed rate mortgage and take out a County Architect, a County Librarian and “tracker” based on market interest rates. oh yes, a County Land Agent and Valuer. Selfridges It cost an arm and a leg but would stack A remarkable collection of titles, most of up, eventually. I got my letter from the which have now passed into history. I did find time in October for a few building society confirming that the days away in Warwick, a fine town I new arrangements were in place on the Back on the park ‘n ride bus, the arrival have visited on a number of occasions. day that the Bank of England increased of which I thought was a touch tardy, There was once a good bookshop on interest rates for the first time in years. but no matter, I settled back in my Jury Street but as that has now closed I So blame me. seat and began to muse on the day’s thought I might look further afield using excitement. Then I looked down. my Senior Citizen’s Rail Card (I lied about Wallace and Grommit my age). The station is about 25 minutes’ Oh my god! I was wearing the wrong walk and first I had an enjoyable day The high spot of my social calendar trousers! in Leamington for the princely sum of is the annual lunch of the provisional £0.75 return. So I thought I would try wing of the SCC Retired Chief Officers The second best suit jacket does not further afield and remembering that the Association. It is usually a well attended quite match the work suit trousers. At property journals had been full of the function, after all there a lot of former the park ’n ride I scuttled off to the car new Selfridges store for most of the year Suffolk chief officers about. and straight home. Planned visits to B&Q I spent a day looking round the Bull Ring and Tescos would have to wait; I can’t go in Birmingham, having spent £2.75 on a Not having worn a suit, or a tie, since there dressed like this. return rail ticket. The train actually stops 2002 I got up early to sort out the

16 THE SCRIBBLER Doctor, the Reverend, totally out of the question. “Is there an services in the new location. My church,” Ian Paisley internal room with no windows?” “Yes,” he confided, “has built many more I said, “then that’s the one.” Other than churches in recent years than anyone so Ian Paisley, so it is said, was delivering that I was not expecting to attend the we know a little bit about this. And what one of his scorching sermons. meeting personally. we need is another minibus. A second hand one will suffice costing probably “In the hell that awaits the sinner,” he So I forgot all about it until lunchtime about £3,000. Could the authority fund roared, “there will be a-weeping and on the day of the meeting. Usually I took this?” He stopped. a-wailing and a-gnashing of teeth.” An a lunchtime walk and left the building old man in the front row was impressed, and walked off down the road as usual. My turn. Taking a deep breath I said, scared and a little puzzled. “Dr. Paisley” After a few steps a black Granada cruised “Before agreeing to that I would he mumbled through his ancient gums, past only to do a flashy 3-point turn prefer to hear the full list of additional "what if you have nae teeth?" further on cruise back. There were 4 minor matters.” He smiled, and leaning snappily dressed young men in it with forward touched my arm lightly. “A very The great man paused for only a second. short haircuts. It would have blended in professional approach,” he commended, “Teeth," he thundered, “will be provided”. more with a flashing neon sign saying “I can see you’ve done this sort of thing “SPECIAL BRANCH” on the roof. “Christ”, before Mr Scribbler” Without further ado Dr. Paisley’s public image is that of an I thought, “This is the day Ian Paisley is he went through all his additional claims uncompromising, obstinate, intolerant, due.” Trying not to draw any attention I and in no time at all we did a deal, and hard-line politician. Not the sort of hotfooted it back to the office. he, and his party were soon on their way. man you would want to share a pot of Earl Grey with. And yet some time ago, After a hurried briefing my valuer said he About 10 years later, at a loose end a friend, with religious inclinations, wanted me to attend and do the talking following a foreshortened RICS took the trouble to go to his church but he had no idea what the problem meeting, I was nosing around a second- in Belfast to see what it was all about was. Those of you who have done hand bookshop in Charing Cross Road at first hand. He reported back that compulsory acquisition work will know when I realised that a fellow browser Dr. Paisley was the most charismatic exactly what I thought. It was common was Dr Paisley. He was looking through preacher he had ever heard. practice for all owners and agents to some dusty ecclesiastical tomes. Should pull any trick in the book to increase I go across and introduced myself? To So when I had my opportunity to meet compensation. Those with member do so would mean going across the him I did not know what to expect. contacts or even minor celebrity status room and tapping him on the shoulder. were by far the worst. Checking out the others in the room I In the days, long, long ago when couldn’t spot which were the minders there were extensive programmes of Just before 2pm one of the Granada so thought it best to leave well alone compulsory acquisition work, usually Four introduced himself and then and be on my way. for highway purposes, it so happened began to lurk just inside the entrance that in my authority one of our road to the building. We were told to sit in Music, music, music schemes brought about the demolition the meeting room. At precisely 2 pm of one of Dr. Paisley’s churches; a clear- more black Granadas arrived and the Ian A wonderful evening listening to a cut equivalent reinstatement situation. Paisley party was conducted in. He sat Glenn Miller tribute band reminded Compensation principles and the on the opposite side of the table flanked me of a visit to the Manchester Free building of a replacement church were by 2 vicars and a minder. Dr. Paisley was Trade Hall in, I would estimate, 1959, resolved without too much difficulty. affable but the others were unsmiling to see Thelonius Monk, an innovative Then the great man let it be known that and watchful. It was soon clear that I American modern jazz pianist. I had just there were “one or two loose ends” and was completely wrong about Mr Paisley. gone up to Manchester University and he wished to conclude the negotiations He was one of the most courteous and had booked the cheapest ticket for the personally when he was next in Suffolk. professional negotiators I ever dealt first house performance. At 6 o’clock with, and a real gent. I popped into the pub next door for a Now this was at the height of “The quick pint. The drink was a bit rushed Troubles” and arranging a meeting was First he made it clear that he had come and I put my empty glass on the bar and not altogether straightforward. A date to conclude negotiations with me, and turned round to see Dave South coming and time of 2pm were fixed and later no one else. He added that he was very in. “Wonder Boy Dave” was the headlines “a civil servant” telephoned me. “Where grateful with how the whole business in the Sunday papers when he entered exactly will the meeting take place?” had been dealt with, very satisfied with his first major cycling championship as a he asked. “It could take place in my the new church and looking forward to 16 year old and won every prize in sight. own room,” I replied, thinking a matter an official opening ceremony. But there We had been at school together. “Fancy of status could be involved. “What were a few minor matters that he hoped a pint,” I said having established that sort of room is it?” he said and when I we could help with. “Such as?” I asked. we were both going to the same place, mentioned ground floor with windows “Well first of all most of my congregation “there’s just time!” That second pint was along 2 sides he made it clear that was are elderly and will need help to attend hard work and a visit to the little boy’s 17 THE SCRIBBLER room was needed. When I got back Dave terrific vertigo and wondered what the the music. I have to say my recollections had got another couple of pints in. “We’ll penalty was for cascading 3 pints of of the pianist are what a tedious long- have to rush I said.” second hand beer over the posh people winded artist he is! Eventually the in the front stalls. About half an hour interval was announced and we were Our seats were in the upper, upper circle into the concert we were, putting the off like greyhounds from the traps, and unreserved. After going up many matter delicately, beginning to feel the pushing our way out without a thought floors we reached the topmost level pressure and were looking forward, for anyone. just as the doors closed. There were 2 keenly, to the interval. The warm-up seats left right in the middle of the block band finished its set and we thought Outside, in the curved corridor, we and edging past about 25 disgruntled, we were saved; but no. Thelonius was found that there were NO GENTS!! And already-in-place punters was terrifying. to do a set before the interval. We just the same on the next floor, and the next. The tier of seats was like the north face did not have the bottle to push our way Finally, to our great relief, we found what of the Eiger and in looking down I got out so gritting our teeth tried to enjoy we were looking for. We didn’t go back.

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 9, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2004

Schadenfreude the grounds that it was not important should have been criticised too! Then enough. Even so it was important of course, like most of the media, they Let me make my position clear. I enough to feature strongly in a print blamed the ref. have listened to the Today BBC radio journalism piece published a few days programme since the days of Jack de later by someone then associated Why am I telling you all this? Manio. No start to the day is complete with Today. If “the news” could be without it; but…. manipulated that casually and without Well first another Oscar Wilde quote any apparent management controls, from the same source “On an occasion of Over the years the programme evolved what else was going on? I ceased to be this kind it becomes more than a moral from a whimsical magazine with a regular listener but would be the first duty to speak one’s mind. It becomes a incorrect time checks into a hard- to admit I have been unable to find a pleasure”. edged political show staffed by hard- satisfying substitute. nosed, experienced journalists. More And second there are some important recently the tone changed to sneering So, when I was snowed in on the lessons for “surveyors in local condescension with a barely concealed day of the Hutton Report, I switched government”. political agenda. Not a party political, by on the news in the early afternoon the way. All politicians were treated with and inadvertently got caught up in Here you have a big, fat, complacent equal contempt. The message seemed the whole business. And I have to organisation beginning to believe in its to be “what a wonderful country this confess that in watching the BBC HQ’s own immortality and immunity from could be if it were to be managed like revolving front door I was unable to criticism. (I am still talking about the Today and the BBC.” resist experiencing a modest amount BBC.) It made a mistake but refused to of malicious pleasure at another’s address it properly and in the end paid For me the beginning of the end came discomfort. To misquote Oscar Wilde in the price. There are 3 important points when the programme was extended “The Importance of Being Earnest’ to to reflect on. and an additional slot from 6am to 7pm lose the Chairman of Governors may had to be filled. As there was precious be regarded as a misfortune but to 1. Complaints Procedure. I’ll wager little additional material available the lose the Director General as well looks the BBC has a copper-bottomed, time was usually filled by pointless like carelessness.” all-singing, all-dancing, com- pieces where interviewers interviewed plaints procedure that has been interviewers and constantly trailed what And didn’t you find it fascinating that, the subject of countless hours of was coming up after 7 o’clock ie when on the day, the BBC itself was unable in-house seminars and is printed the real show started. In my mind’s eye to respond to the media until it was in full colour on glossy paper. The I could always see a notice stuck on the too late, unable to put up anyone same probably applies to your studio door “This programme is closed for face-to-face interview and had organisation. Unfortunately the for staff training and will reopen after no facilities for the press to operate complaint in question was not the 7 o’clock news.” from. When responses began to flow, properly investigated, as “Camp- usually from ex-staff, the word ‘balance’ bell was a serial complainer so we The end came for me when comment suddenly came back into use and most didn’t deal with it as rigorously on the Countryside March was pointedly complained bitterly that as the BBC had as we should.” Your organisation excluded from the next programme on been criticised then the other parties probably has serial complainers

18 THE SCRIBBLER too. The BBC is institutionally an- Property people I can’t be arsed with it any more. I’m ti-complainist. It has programmes happy for the f***er to pull out and sell it where complainers can air their Having said that I need to draw your to someone who won’t f***ing give me grievances but the poor presenter attention to the plethora of property all this s**t.” He then exits via the office Roger Bolton, in advocating listen- and property type programmes front door for (another) cigarette. ers’ complaints, is constantly put currently showing on TV both daytime up against a never-ending pro- TV and prime time. There are 2 I was instantly hooked. I watched most duction line of highly articulate programmes to look out for. Both have of the 6 hours. It was a bit patchy. well-spoken apparatchik whose been strongly featured in the Estates Greene and Co were very brave to remit is always to deny everything, Gazette. One is daytime; the other BBC 2 allow the cameras in, warts and all. The then question the intelligence prime time. Estates Gazette, in its second leader on of the complainant and if really 7 February thought it contributed to the pressed tell them to switch off (at Having come down with a cold I was “public understanding of the business”. least I think it was switch). at home. I put the fire and telly on and The National Association of Estate sat there with a hot drink gently dozing Agents did not seem too impressed and 2. Gavyn and Greg. The Chairman off until “HOMES UNDER THE HAMMER” did not think there “was as much effing and the DG had important dis- came on. I began to feel better straight and blinding in most estate agencies”. ciplinary, regulatory and above away. Apparently it is “the hottest The RICS spokesman was definitely all for the DG, Editor-in-Chief daytime hit of 2003” and plans are afoot against and thought the programme functions. The publicity insists for a new series. The format is simple reinforced the image of what people that both were well liked by all the and the two presenters Lucy Alexander thinks property is about. And “one staff, know universally as Gavyn and Martin Roberts are knowledgeable, of the major problems is that ‘these and Greg and were both regarded likeable and keen to put over the facts, people’ are not chartered surveyors.” Is as “one of the boys” not afraid to rather than get in the way of them. Both it me, or does that sound just a teensy- muck in etc. Mmmmm. profess to be “developers” and seem to weensy bit pompous? Since when has it know property, even though Martin, been correct to refer to non-chartered 3. Cough. No one is perfect. Mistakes like everyone else in the world, except surveyors in the property business as happen. I always took the line that me, does not know what “back-to-back” “these people”? if I had erred, and was unable to houses are. The programme follows 3 sort it out before management properties at auction with a preliminary The gentle art of negotiation found out, then when challenged I view of each property, the drama of the just admitted it. Almost invariably auction room, a chat with the purchaser Forty years ago, when I started on I found that investigators were and another look at each property 2 the Railway, status was important. unable to deal with this. or 3 months down the line. There are The workers worked in open plan. opportunities for “suits” to appear at Not 21st century open-plan but a big Be warned. intervals to give professional opinions. un-partitioned area into which were Presumably there is no fee involved crammed as many desks as possible. Ps The only good luck story to emerge so but dress code is strict. Estate agents, This is where the workers and team far is that the former Deputy D-G, who letting agents, planning experts wear leaders were. Management was had only been in post for a fortnight, suits and ties; for “developers”, architects, down the corridor in individual office was then appointed Acting D-G. I hope and others suits are optional but no ties furnished strictly in accordance with he is successful. The most fatuous story are allowed. A new series is planned. status and the rulebook. to emerge also deals with the same Remember to set the video. issue. To avoid accusations of bias the Tom, from whom I was to receive my top posts are to be advertised and And then there was “PROPERTY PEOPLE” first lesson in negotiation, had his own written applications will be required. shown on primetime BBC 2. It’s a “fly-on- office. Or at least he did until someone This will ensure appointments are the–wall” documentary. The opening read the small print in the rulebook. beyond criticism. Yeah, yeah. scene was the interior of estate agents Apparently his grade entitled him to Greene and Co, in north London. A sharp a separate area, but not an enclosed Pps Tucked away on page 8 of the suited, commission only, negotiator sits office; a carpet, but not a fitted wall- Telegraph of Saturday 28 February were at a small, cluttered desk. He is Richard to-wall carpet; and a grey sheet metal a couple of paragraphs announcing Blanks. He slams down the phone wardrobe. So someone, somewhere, that headhunters had been appointed and holds his head in his hands. He decided to put matters right and so one “to speed up” the search for the 2 then looks up and speaks to no one in morning the workmen arrived. top jobs. The closing date for written particular the opening lines of first part applications for the post of Chairman of this 6-part series. “We were supposed Tom was told to stop work and his was 27 February. Presumably the to exchange on something. They’ve desk, chair, filing cabinet, wardrobe and successful applicants didn’t put in had five f***ing weeks to deal with this visitor’s chair were moved out into the written applications. and now they’re dealing with it the day corridor. The fitted carpet was ripped before we’re f***ing due to exchange. out and destroyed in the process. One 19 THE SCRIBBLER panel of partitioning, about a yard desk. I got what looked like an incredibly Now the Mayfair agent looked in length, was taken out and taken valuable gold bentwood chair. uncomfortable. “Terribly sorry,” he away. This changed the space from muttered thinking we were cutting edge an enclosed office to a “separate area”. I had done a valuation based on valuers, “were you thinking of about The workmen then replaced the fitted comparables. For the sake of argument £150,000 perhaps?” “No,” hissed Tom. carpet with “a carpet” that actually was we were looking for £50,000. The usual of better quality and measured 9ft by 12 pleasantries were exchanged and We settled at £175,000 and Tom didn’t ft, exactly the same size as the room, no, discussion went back and forth while speak to me all the way back to Kings Cross. sorry, the separate area. The furniture the Mayfair agent and Tom jockeyed was then put back. “Oh,” said Tom, “could for position about who would open the Attention Eastern Branch you put the wardrobe just there”, ie in batting. After some lengthy exchanges members (or anyone wanting the gap created by the lost partition. the Mayfair agent said he would suggest a nice day out in Suffolk) Honour was satisfied all round; though a figure. Phew! I relaxed and sat back in at great expense. my chair; and its back separated from Not long now to the Annual RICS the reminder of the chair. I nearly fell off. Lionheart Charity Walk. It’s usually the But back to the gentle art of negotiation. Had I broken a valuable antique or was it first Saturday in September. Get in The Railway had office and storage just part of the negotiating game? Keep training now! Although we usually like premises at Covent Garden, then calm. to tell the RICS how many chartered a flower market, and an incredibly surveyors work in local government congested and very Dickensian area. The agent spoke. “We were thinking most are inexplicably absent when it These were gradually closing down in terms of offering £100,000 for the comes to the Lionheart Walk. A route is and being sold off. It was known that in property. Tom rocked back in his chair being prepared by the Albons this year the long term the flower market would looking as though he had just been although overall arrangements will still close. I was dealing with the sale of a struck across the back of the neck with a be in the very capable hands of Geoffrey building in Henrietta Street and there sock full of wet sand. “Oh no,” I thought, Dyball FRICS, of Breton Chartered was to be a negotiation with a well- “The back of his chair will come off too!” Surveyors. The walk will probably start known firm of surveyors that specialised from Wyken Vineyard and take in the in the restoration of quality buildings. “I..I..I” he stuttered. I should say at this delights of Langham, Badwell Ash, Tom felt he should lead the negotiations. juncture that Tom was a leading light Walsham-Le-Willows and Stanton. A test Off we went to their Mayfair offices. in the Railway Operatic and Dramatic walk by an elderly chartered surveyor Society (The Broads). His footlights has proved successful (ie he survived) We were well received and conducted experience now came good. “I..I..I have despite severely inclement weather to a well-furnished office to meet to say,” said Tom “that we were not conditions. So come on you reluctant the Mayfair agent. He was sat behind thinking in terms of a figure anything like surveyors. Pencil the date in your diary what looked like the sort of desk that that”, looking at me as though he was and come along. Enjoy! Sotheby’s might auction next week. contemplating doing something pretty Tom got the best chair in front of the violent with my Parry’s Valuation Tables.

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 9, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2004

More on the gentle art of supply of friends in far away places. The was dealing with this garden extension negotiation team dealt “commercial” management. and that I had quoted terms to his client. We were very busy. As junior valuer “It is this matter that I wish to discuss.” Rereading last issue’s column reminded I dealt mainly with the very trivial And then he continued in what I took to me that there are productive ways to transactions, lots and lots of them. be a friendly tone, “Are you a member of get things done and unproductive ways. The most menial of these were garden the Royal Institution?” I said I was. “How Here are two examples; which is which? extensions for house owners adjoining are you getting on with your exams?” he the railway line. It was all standard asked. I told him I was taking the finals Case Study 1. My first team leader on letter stuff with standard terms and and thought was a nice man to take the the railway was David Lawrence who conditions; take it or leave it. trouble to ask. went on to become a Director of the British Rail Board. He was one of the few One day my phone rings. A man with a “Oh in that case” he continued, “I cannot people who fully utilised his allocation very posh voice said, “I am a partner with possibly speak with you on this matter, of free tickets. Without exception he left (what was then a major firm of chartered I demand to speak to your manager, London, always by train, late afternoon surveyors). I am also a past President provided he is a chartered surveyor.” on Friday to return in the early hours of of The Royal Institution of Chartered Being young and impressionable I Monday morning. He had an unlimited Surveyors”. We then established that I put my hand over the mouthpiece

20 THE SCRIBBLER and explained the situation to David “I’m very well thank you,” I volunteered her notebook) are bleeding us white. Lawrence who sat at the adjoining cautiously. “And the wife? Are you They have ruined our tourist trade, desk. “Put him through” he said. David married?” “Yes, she’s well too.” I began mined and fenced off all the beaches, then explained to this very important to wonder what he really wanted. “Any are taking all our cider and Camembert, personage that although he did not children?” he continued. “Two”, I said and gratuitously ignoring all parking normally deal with such minor matters giving names and ages. “Lovely day,” he restrictions in Caen and Bayeux. Worse as this personally he would do his best continued, “have you had your holidays still they are now building massive, ugly, to help. He was then asked some trivial yet?” I hadn’t but told him I was off to concrete bunkers all over the place, question and said, “Just one moment somewhere, I forget where, in a couple making Normandy look like a hideous please”. Looking directly at me and of weeks. “Look,” he said, “I know my futuristic vision of a 1960s English without moving the phone away he surveyor has explained how important market town. What we need is some then said, “This character wants to know getting hold of this land is to Tescos. bleu ciel thinking. Any suggestions?” (whatever it was); what should I say?” But I just wanted to emphasise that it I offered a suggestion that must have really is important. If price is a problem, The Director of Tourism and Leisure is also been quite audible down the line and I know how you surveyors like the first to respond. and David duly repeated it. This farce to negotiate, talk to me.” I explained went on for a few more utterly trivial the problem was just administrative. “Regarder,” he begins, “what we must and inconsequential questions until “Right” he said, “I hope you didn’t mind do is persuade the Allies to route the eventually the important person agreed my getting involved. Could I ask you to coming invasion across our Normandy to accept the quoted terms. do what you can to hurry things along beaches. This would mean that for please? I’ll ring again when you are back months before the whole of our coastal David Lawrence has my eternal from your holiday. Goodbye.” area and communications would be gratitude for dealing with the matter in subject to heavy bombing. Then the this way. It was a great lesson in how to A month later the phone rings again. A biggest fleet ever assembled would deal with this sort of situation and one pleasant lady said “Oh is that Mr ****, mount the invasion first by subjecting I have always tried to follow, not always I’ve got Jack Cohen of Tescos on the line; all our coastal towns and particularly successfully, in later years. he wants a word.” “Mr ****, how nice to their beaches and promenades to the speak to you again,” said the great man, heaviest shelling imaginable prior to Case Study 2. The phone rings again. A “How are you?” And then he went on landing four armies across them. These pleasant lady said “Oh is that Mr ****, I’ve to ask about my holiday, he mentioned would then fight virtually house to got Jack Cohen of Tescos on the line; he the location, and then he asked about house right across the region. Hundreds wants a word.” the wife and kids, all by name. “How are of thousands of our countrymen would you getting on with the land?” he asked die in the process. Once the fighting I knew what he wanted. At that time finally. I told him and explained the armies were clear the whole area Tescos was making a major investment progress made. “Good,” he said, “keep would be used to supply the fighting in what may have been its first up the pressure. I’ll ring again at the and thousands of heavy lorries would computer. The proposed computer end of the month. Goodbye.” The matter pound our remaining infrastructure to building was too big for the firm’s soon concluded and he never did ring dust and keep everyone awake until the railway side site at Cheshunt and again. Two things impressed me. He end of the war. If we can get the Allies a modest strip of railway land was didn’t bully; in those days most of our to do this, monsieur, then the future needed to accommodate the overflow. callers just couldn’t resist it. And he had of our region would be assured as a No problems there but to release any made notes of the social chit-chat (or his major centre of tourism long into the 21 operational land needed the approval of secretary had) and he used them again. century. C’est ca!” about a dozen operating departments; and, crucially, their signature on the The question is which file became “lost” “Merde!” muttered the Chief Executive. same bit of paper. That took an age. and which was dealt with? And then more loudly, “Does anyone Moreso if someone halfway down the have a sensible suggestion?” list lost it and we had to start again. So L’assemblee de L’Equipe de la essentially all we were waiting for was Direction du Normandie Richard Todd this bit of paper, the formal approval, and then we were home and dry. But The scene is Normandy 1943. The Chief Richard Todd is a film star now enjoying Tescos wouldn’t be able to, or want to Executive of the Normandy Council has a long and well-earned retirement. On appreciate that, would they? called a meeting of his Management screen he gave many totally convincing Team. All are present. The Chief portrayals of a British Army officer and “Is that OK?” prompted the caller. “Yes,” Executive speaks: gentleman. This is just as well because in I said hopefully, there was an ominous reality he was an officer and gentleman. silence and a few clicks. “Mr ****, how “Eh bien messieurs. Les temps n’est pas nice to speak to you,” said the great tres jolie. Les sale Boches (turns to one One of his best performances was man, “How are you?” I hesitated. I wasn’t side and spits; there is a slight delay as in the film “The Longest Day”. In this used to being spoken to in this way. his secretary turns to a clean page in he played Major John Howard in the 21 THE SCRIBBLER segment dealing with the capture of They didn’t put that in the film. After all, Travel was with a local bus company. Pegasus Bridge. By way of reminder on who would believe it? Their coaches were the pre-war models 6 June 1944 Allied armies were to land where the driver had his own cab that in Normandy between Ouistreham, at More end of season football extended only over half the front of the estuary of the Orne River, in the east the vehicle. However they had been and the foot of the Cotentin peninsula A few years ago I used to be one of the upgraded with a modern flat front but in the west. It was imperative to defend few partners dragged along to some the driver’s space was still accessed the left flank of the invasion area and Ladies Annual Dinner, the purpose of separately and the other half of this front this comprised the Orne River and the which now escapes me. On the second space was filled by the engine with the parallel sea-going ship canal up to Caen. occasion I was directed to sit next to old bonnet still in place but with a rug A key point was what is now called Phillip, “you can talk to each other.” over it now it was inside. I was allowed Pegasus Bridge. One of the actions Little did they know that Phillip was to travel “up front”, lounging on this rug. planned for the early hours of 6 June, a Geordie, and we had met before as There was a pretty cavalier attitude to before the main force hit the beaches, he was a former tenant. He knew a health and safety in those days. was to take the Bridge by a “coup de lot about football, and so he should. main” operation involving landing a His younger brother Bobby was in I can still remember being fascinated by small force by glider almost on the the game and at that time working in the floodlights, the vivid emerald green bridge itself. Portugal; or was it Barcelona? pitch and the constant sparkling in the crowd opposite as never ending fags Major Howard was in the leading glider I didn’t know a lot about the current were lit. And yes I was passed over the with a small detachment from the 2nd game but we reminisced about the good heads of the crowd and allowed to sit on Ox and Bucks. There were about half a old days and for a few years this was a little wall at the front. dozen gliders altogether and in one was most welcome as we only talked quietly Lieutenant H J “Tod” Sweeney who we will and didn’t get in the way. Alas it couldn’t Kids were allowed on the pitch for meet again later. The pilot of Howard’s continue as the ladies eventually “shooting in” at half time, unthinkable glider was Staff Sergeant Jim Wallwork realised that we were enjoying ourselves today, and always a drunk would come of the Glider Pilot Regiment. His co-pilot and thereafter we were sat at opposite on and try to join in, only to keep falling was Staff Sergeant John Ainsworth. The ends of the table. flat on his back much to the huge plan was to cast off from the tug over enjoyment of the crowd. But I can’t the coast and glide in to the bridge This train of thought was sparked off by remember chanting, obscenities, vast via a series of timed doglegs following a few lines in a recent Hugh McIlvanney numbers of police/stewards, spitting, compass bearings. This was in the early (the doyen of sports writers) in his or any trouble. Players played, and hours of the 6th. The lead glider landed Sunday Times column. He was talking spectators spectated. within feet of the bridge; Major Howard about the repertoire of functional and his detachment deplaned, did their clichés with which the old-style Where are we today? The players earn stuff, captured the bridge and the rest, as football editions of Saturday evening in a week more than twice as much as they say, is history. newspapers handled those awkward the majority of supporters earn in a year. episodes on the field when a major This must create a vast gulf between In a recent interview Richard Todd fight broke out, ie “Tempers became the game and its support. The game confirmed the film action was “pretty frayed and punches appeared to be reacts by behaving badly both on and accurate although the film soldiers acted thrown”. Only those present would off the field and now supporters must with considerably more panache, as know different. be heartened to read that top players there were no bullets flying around”. and managers have found a method to, All old-time football memories as the papers say, “evade” tax liability. Strangely enough Richard was actually are viewed through rose coloured I wonder if the players realise, or care, on the bridge that night. As Captain spectacles and so are mine. When I what most people must think. Not only Richard Todd, a paratrooper of the 1st was young football was a game to be does it mean that we all have to pay a bit Airborne Division he parachuted into played all winter giving way to cricket more tax to help out those on £30,000 to the area landing at 0040 hours half a in the summer. In those days it really £40,000 a week but the Inland Revenue mile from the bridge. The paratroopers’ was “To every thing there is a season, gets so pissed off with people getting job was to reinforce the defenders of and a time to every purpose under away with big bucks that it puts many the captured bridge. In one of those the heaven”; and no floodlights either. small scale self-employed people unforgettable army moments Todd met Sometimes we would also watch a local through the mincer to make up for it. another officer on the bridge at some match and on special occasions we point during the fighting. “Oh hello,” travelled to Hillsborough in Sheffield. But do I misjudge the character of said Richard, “I am Captain Richard Todd, The games I remember best were a football and its fans? Watching Millwall everybody calls me Sweeney.” “Oh hello,” series of midweek floodlit matches when versus Tranmere Rovers on 7 March in came the reply, “I’m Lieutenant Sweeney, Norwich had a good cup run and played a cup tie, (that’s about the height of everybody calls me Tod.” a number of semi finals. This must have it without Sky), I couldn’t fail to spot been in the early 50s. I was 10. this advertising material behind one

22 THE SCRIBBLER of the goals at The New Den. It was Sunday Times “Football Shorts” column lost 2-1 after extra-time. “Brian's so three very big separate placards that for this gem “Witton hit by unlucky upset, he's distraught,” said Witton read “KICK IT OUT”, then on the next streak.” Witton Albion captain, Brian club secretary Phil Chadwick. “This “MILLWALL AGAINST RACISM” and finally Pritchard, was sent off during the streaker was running around for several “LIONS HAVE PRIDE – NOT PREJUDICE.” Unibond Cheshire Senior Cup final seconds. Pritchard is a serving police Well, Millwall fans have certainly gone for tripping up a streaker. The game officer and a police officer is never off up-market since Ipswich suffered their descended into chaos as Pritchard, duty.” Asked whether it would become infamous cup-tie at The Den years ago. a police officer, spotted the naked common practice to send off a player There were not many Jane Austen fans interloper and apprehended him. The for attempting to maintain order, the there that day. referee deemed Pritchard's actions Football Association said, “That's a very to be violent conduct, sent him off good question.” Finally I am again indebted to the and, in his absence, 10-man Witton

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 9, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2004

The Academy of Football management or fans. Still it’s a comfort Global warming: or is it just to know that local government has hot air? First just a quick word about the managed to export some HR practices. Presidential Conference. As it will be When I was at school the story was covered extensively elsewhere I don’t However fans were far more vocal when that as the sun was gradually cooling want to upstage the official reporter local boy made good Michael Owen eventually earth would become too cold who, after all, already has a difficult was on the verge of leaving Liverpool. to support life. This was a somewhat enough job to match the erudite, literate The kindest comments were “traitor.” A frightening scenario for a youngster who and humorous Bowness Report by the thought surely shared by team-mates didn’t quite understand the condition Junior Vice President in the last issue. Dudek, Henchoz, Hyypia, Smicer, Diao, “over a geological timescale”. I just Hamann, Baros, Cisse, Pongolie for hoped we would get Christmas over The Conference itself was excellent example and manager Benitez. with before we all snuffed it. Now, of as was the location at the aforesaid course, the story is reversed and it’s Academy of Football. The Quality Hotel Who is the fourth man? overheating that will do for us. There that forms part of the stadium appeared does seems to be an inescapable logic to be run exclusively by the football “THE statue” is near the Hotel. Turn left in this, a bit like the dangers of smoking, club and demonstrated the benefits of and walk down to the next road junction. that cannot be ignored. It’s a good story; superb team spirit and the intensive and It’s on the other side of the junction and so why exaggerate? creative multiple use of property; a real approached via a fairly lethal traffic light- practical lesson for ACES members. controlled pedestrian crossing. I remember when global warming was invented back in the early 70s. It was Off duty a backstage tour of the ground Incidentally before I left my home village predicted that deserts would advance discovered that the changing rooms, for for the “east end” I was warned that I northwards with higher temperatures example, were disappointingly Spartan would be afraid to walk the streets. Not and dramatically reduced rainfall. and smelly. More like a 1950s secondary so. And that everyone in the Upton Park John Selwyn Gummer, as he then was, school than the work place of many area wore shell suits and trainers. Again predicted the direst of consequences multi-millionaires. But I only wish that not so, it’s slightly less than 75%. that the climate of East Anglia would my lawn looked half as good as the pitch. within 25 years become like the And that my mower was as quiet, and THE statue of course is of Bobby Moore. Dordogne. I couldn’t see the problem in started as well, as groundsman Dougie’s. There is a group of 4 larger-than-life that. What a lot of holiday travelling it World Cup winning players set on a would save. The hotel bedrooms doubled as circular dais looking back to Upton Park. corporate boxes and offered a From left to right the 4 participants And then, blow me, the following winter marvellous view of the pitch and the are Martin (10 years ahead of his time) we had the heaviest snowfall ever. In ground generally. Almost enough to Peters, Jeff (they think it’s all over) Hurst, East Anglia, where we had hardly seen rekindle a more practical interest in yer actual Bobby Moore, and then snow for many years, we woke up one football but…….. someone else. But who is it? A group of morning to find an overnight fall of local kids were playing, in a very nice about 3 feet. “So what about global Elsewhere the mean spirit of football way, on the statue, using it as a climbing warming then?” we all asked. “Exactly,” rolls on. After more than half a century frame really, and so we asked, “Who is said the experts, “Global warming of of loyal service to the game Sir Bobby the fourth man?” “Alan Shearer,” came course means heavy snowfall!” Robson is dismissed by his club without the confident reply. On no it isn’t, but a word of thanks or condolence from does anyone know? This was followed by a couple of dry 23 THE SCRIBBLER mild winters and dry cold springs. very accommodating and was happy to I decided the best option was NOT to Clearly less rainfall inevitably produced drop you off in the cab road at Liverpool panic and to prowl round the unit a reduced water table and some smaller Street in mid-afternoon in complete couple of times to assess options. rivers drying up. This really is global confidence. “Don’t worry”, he used to warming said the experts. say, “I won’t say anything. Anyway they I remembered similar occasions back all do it. I dropped so-and–so off at 3 in my railway days. There was the big Eventually we experience a few years’ yesterday”, etc etc. white chief who wanted to inspect land heavy rainfall. Water tables and rivers on the other side of the tunnels just off were replenished. This really is global What made my predicament at the end of the Kings Cross platforms. He warming said the experts. But this is Haverhill worse was the coincidence loftily declined the proffered assistance really what “average” means so there’s no of recent events. The official H&S of a Lookout Man and marched off. “Give need to attribute it to global warming. procedure here is for surveyors to leave him half an hour,” the Assistant Station The hot summer of 2003 was attributed an estimated time of return on a white Master told the Lookout Man, “then go to global warming. This is the hottest board. If this is exceeded then the and fish him out.” This was in the age of summer for a century so this really is surveyor is contacted via mobile phone steam and there were numerous traffic global warming said the experts. What that office procedures require should movements in and out of the platform. happened to the start of global warming always be switched on. The day before Although the tunnels are short the big in 1903 then? And the heavy rain in my Haverhill trip Richard’s board entry white chief soon became completely August this year was really caused by said, “return at 11 am,” but the time disorientated by the noise and the global warming too said the experts. came and went. Adjoining the office is smoke and the steam that he took a small spinney that forms part of an refuge in one of the little alcoves built I for one would feel more comfortable ideal 15-minute midday stroll. Without into the side of the tunnel and wouldn’t if the experts would stop treating a thought I went out at noon but was come out. When he was finally rescued us like idiots. Who knows, we might unable to come back through the he didn’t look so big and he certainly understand as well. Just tell us the spinney as access was denied by the wasn’t white any more. truth and stop saying that the North police, “We’ve found a body.” Sea will soon stretch all the way down Back at my incarceration I took comfort to Romford. I can hear the station Back in the office it was soon established from the notion that there is always announcement already. “We apologise that Richard’s mobile was switched off. a way. On my second trip round the for the late running of the 0800 Norwich As the time of no return stretched out internal perimeter of the unit I was to Liverpool Street. This is caused by the to 2 then 3 hours inevitably the mind reassessing the sliding loading bay wrong sort of North Sea on the line.” began to make unwanted connections. doors, firmly padlocked on the inside, Files were researched and numbers when I noticed a silvery glint mostly Health and safety at work rung. The surveyor’s movements obscured by one of the sliding doors. were tracked but he seemed to have Crouching down this proved to be I had gone to Haverhill to inspect an disappeared. Might he have gone home? a padlock key. Better still it was THE empty factory. Before leaving we agreed Should his wife be called? “Has he come padlock key. And in one bound, well it was unnecessary for me, as a mere home? Only he’s disappeared and a about half a dozen while I coaxed the consultant, to comply with the official body has been found next door?” No, doors open, I was free. H&S procedure. There was only one front this was not an option, yet. door Chubb key supplied and although What a laugh we all had when I got the lock was tricky I got in easily. And Just then he strolled back into the back to the office. Tragedy averted often Haverhill being Haverhill I locked the office. He’d had a bad day, fallen behind provokes laughter. When a lone railway door behind me, just in case. When I schedule and as the mobile never surveyor went off to inspect some came to leave I found it wouldn’t open. seemed to stop ringing he switched original railway riverside warehousing it off while buying sandwiches and potential disaster wasn’t far away. I think Health and safety is a tricky subject didn’t put it back on again! What a lot of the warehousing was an original mid particularly when it impacts on anguish that caused. He had his bottom 19th Century river-to-railway transfer inspections undertaken by the lone well and truly smacked. warehousing with parts over the river surveyor. The nice part of our job is and parts over the railway line. The the freedom to come and go as you Not that any of this was much of a surveyor, a biggish man, went through please when out and about and it is comfort to me. My phone was about the floor, just saving himself from going an irksome burden to have to “ring in” 20 feet away, carefully locked up in right through by jamming his elbows when the day (or the early part of the the car on the other side of a solid on either side of the hole. But he was afternoon) is done. It does tend to give wall. The office didn’t have my mobile well and truly stuck. He was not strong the game away sometimes. When I number anyway. What to do? There enough to lever himself out. And this started in the profession, on the railway were no accessible windows. The door was in the days before H&S procedures, in London, bizarrely we had access to was wired safety glass. Adjoining units white boards and mobile phones. a chauffeur-driven Austin Princess for were metalworking and I would be hard He couldn’t see what was under him site inspections. Pete the chauffeur was pressed to make more noise than them. and stretching his toes down as far as

24 THE SCRIBBLER possible failed to make contact with 12. You were nodding and smiling finally began to test the patience of anything. But he could here the river while you read this my companion provoking the final rushing by and passing trains seemed comment of “what a lot of fuss about awfully close. After a couple of hours 13. As you read this list, you think such a little prick.” Isn’t it strange shouting he did attract the attention of about forwarding it to your how pain makes such pointed value a repair gang who came to his rescue. "friends" judgements so deeply hurtful? Even so it took then a good 10 minutes to prise the now terrified, and exhausted 14. You got this e-mail from a friend Later on in the afternoon a P51 Mustang surveyor out. Then they all fell about. that never talks to you anymore, gave a display that rivalled the Spitfire’s There was a very solid looking floor except to send you jokes and I was able to focus on this and underneath about an inch below the notice how much harsher the Mustang surveyor’s outstretched toes. 15. You were too busy to notice that engine noise was and how the whine of there was no number 9 the supercharger was quite separate and You know!! often louder than the unsilenced engine. 16. You actually looked back to check I was again transfixed and at the end This anonymous note was in the Church there was no number 9 of the display sat down again, having magazine. I reproduce it without checked for wasps, carefully taking some comment. 17. And now you are laughing at your of my weight off the sting by resting an own stupidity... elbow on the edge of the patio table. YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN 2000 WHEN... Waiting for the Grumman Unfortunately I failed to notice the wasp Avenger…. there and it inserted its sting firmly into 1. You accidentally enter your pass- my left elbow. I think it was at this point word on the microwave My local airfield’s big flying weekend is that I lost my presence of mind and it’s in August and this year it was preceded probably better now to draw a veil over 2. You haven't played solitaire with by two weeks’ continuous torrential rain. the rest of the proceedings. real cards for years As I was too busy to go anyway, I had written it off, but when Sunday’s forecast Suffice it to say that many colleagues 3. You have a list of 15 phone num- promised a clear, hot day I decided to and former staff have long held the bers to reach your family of three watch the comings and goings and the opinion that Scribbler does not know his upper part of any flying displays from arse from his elbow. 4. You email your mate who works at the safety of my garden. Who knows? the next desk I might even catch a glimpse of the Well, he does now. Grumman Avenger. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do The day dawned clear and hot and not have email addresses eventually I managed to get out with deck chair, for comfort, and the papers 6. When you go home after a long I was working on, for effect, and settled day at work you still answer the down to enjoy the fun. There were phone in a business manner plenty of civilian light aircraft and gliders about and in due course a Spitfire 7. When you make phone calls from arrived and put in a superb display much home, you accidentally dial "9" to of which I could see and all of which I get an outside line could hear. I stood up for a better view and was transfixed. At the end of the 8. You've sat at the same desk for display, still in a state of transfixation, I four years but have worked for sat down again. On a wasp. three different companies The sting was very painful but luckily 9. You learn about your redundancy I had a companion on hand to apply on the news the “After Bite” (registered trademark). The instructions are to “rub appliance 10. Your boss doesn't have the ability on affected area” which is all very well to do your job but, for the lone surveyor, that would have been difficult, even with a set of 11. Contractors outnumber perma- mirrors and detailed guidance from an nent staff and are more likely to experienced contortionist. Numerous get long-service awards applications were needed to keep the pain down and their frequency 25 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 9, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2004/5

Who is the fourth man - This worked a treat according to Parky The elderly Eastern European émigré revisited and numerous shots on goal resulted but waiter was extremely irritated by this after 15 minutes of this Parky was on his constant procession but only lost The post office vans were stacked knees with exhaustion and the hard man his composure once. He was serving up around the village green waiting defender was in a murderous mood. For vegetables as we rattled over some very to get up my drive to deliver the some reason he tried to take it out on bumpy track work. At full stretch over multitudinous responses to the Jimmy Tarbuck and at every opportunity, our table a sudden lurch caused him question I posed in the last issue ie whether the ball was near or not, he put to discharge a full serving spoon full of “Who is the fourth man?” I would like to in some murderous tackles on Jimmy. peas into my friend’s new wife’s lap. thank all those who took the time to … He was obviously a man ahead of his But what the hell, as ever, response was time. But Bobby took exception to this He gave a deep sigh and recovering his there none. In fact I found the answer and explained to the guy that this was a composure, turned to me. He said “Peas in 30 seconds on the West Ham United, charity match and everyone had a career sir?” “Yes please,” I responded. “Inside or sponsored by “Balti chicken Pies” made to resume the following day, but to no outside the plate?” he enquired. in Warwick, website. The answer is Ray avail. The tackles continued. Wilson, “the Everton defender.” Ps Just after finishing scribbling the Opinions then vary but 10 minutes above I noticed in the Radio Times that The first man was of course Robert later on a majestic up-field run with the 25 years ago to the day Les Dawson’s Frederick Chelsea Moore. Bobby ball Bobby got near to the defender, sketch show The Dawson Watch was Moore, as we lesser mortals know him everyone swears not closer than 6 starting a second series and on the was, according to the Sunday Times, feet, as he swept by with the ball. But, subject of crime. One of his stories was, the epitome of charm, sophistication looking back, the defender was flat out “At the age of 15, I appeared in court and courtly old-school manners. And on the deck and after hasty treatment charged with stealing a meat pie from I agree with that. But bizarrely he was was stretchered off the field straight to British Rail. The Judge found me guilty hated, apparently, north of the border, hospital. Such is the power of legend. but insane. My defence was that the where the Hampden Park fans used meat pie followed me home.” to sing rude songs about him in those Bobby and the 1812 from far-off days when we used to have Sheffield Business news Home Internationals. I too have a Bobby Moore story. In the So much for football. What about some I cannot for the life of me imagine why 60s I was not interested in football. It is business news? It is said that boardroom as he never put a foot wrong in the said that everyone can remember the manoeuvring can be just as intricate whole of his career; except once. World Cup Final, 1966 of course, but I and complex as a Premier League match can’t. In those days I worked in London anyway. Parky told this story about him years but still had connections in Sheffield and ago on his chat show. It concerns the one Saturday I returned to be Best Man Now I do not know much about the days of Showbiz Eleven football when at a friend’s wedding. After the wedding business world or company law, nor am I mixed teams of professional footballers they were to spend the night in London really very interested, but I did read with and celebrities turned out at weekends prior to jetting off to Majorca and it some incredulity the goings on at the to play football for charity. Parky was transpired that the 3 of us would be annual meeting of a very successful plc playing in a team with, among others, travelling down to London on the same with football connections. Presumably Booby Moore and Jimmy Tarbuck. Bear train. So it seemed churlish to not offer the Board voted to become a public with me. I know this sounds improbable to pay for a dinner on the way down and company in order to make more money but it was a long time ago. then to drop them off at their hotel. and knowing that they would become liable to the full force of company law. On the opposing side was an Unbeknown to me West Ham had Why then the reluctance to follow the experienced old pro defender renowned played Sheffield Wednesday that rules? After all if the team was losing for his no-nonsense approach ie he Saturday so both the West Ham team to inferior opposition the manager kicked any opposing forward who got and their supporters would be travelling wouldn’t want to go out in the second near him into row Z. Luckily I cannot down to London on the same early half and change or ignore the rules. remember his name. Bobby’s instructions evening train too. So we shared the Would he? to his inside right Parky were simple. Look dining car with Bobby and the team when I get the ball you start running. If I and a steady file of supporters walking When the Florida based tycoon, raise my left arm I’ll curl the ball past him endlessly from one end of the train to “The Leprechaun”, comes along on his left and you run in from the right. the other in order to admire the table with proposals to make even more If I raise my right arm then vice versa. manners of their idols. money then it was inevitable that the

26 THE SCRIBBLER toys would start coming out of the 5. HABITUAL DISTRUST - you focus First I had a dream so vivid that I woke pram. Perhaps the customers should on the negatives up convinced I had missed Christmas consider more carefully who got them altogether and then realised that the into this position. 6. ALOOFNESS - you disengage and only thing I had missed was listening disconnect to Christmas Carols. Not Christmas pop And one other thing. Becoming a public records but the real “Away in a Manger” company means that business news 7. MISCHIEVOUSNESS - rules are experience. I think I had been thinking reporters as well as sports reporters made to be broken about when Grandpa was taken into begin to take an interest. And the former hospital in early December a few years can ask more searching questions such 8. ECCENTRICITY – it’s fun to be ago and within a couple of days he was as how can a company director, who different for the sake of it so disorientated that he was convinced is also the company’s legal adviser, it was January. And I had also been using represent a member of staff who is 9. PASSIVE RESISTANCE - your silence a Book of Carols extensively for music already in dispute with the Governing is misinterpreted as agreement practice. Perhaps the purpose of dreams Body and who therefore might is to clarify thought. potentially have problems fulfilling his 10. PERFECTIONISM - get the little contract with the company? things right even if the big things Second I hate the fake jollifications go wrong of New Year. This could be due to the Why chief executives fail fact that for many years I not only 11. EAGERNESS TO PLEASE - being had to see in the New Year at the This is a recently published book by popular matters most. Slaughtermen’s new year bash at the David Dotlich and Peter Cairo. It sounds bacon factory about 40 miles away but a good read. Can’t wait to get to the end. Is this beginning to ring any bells? I was nominated driver. Let me tell you The authors make the simple point that that sitting there from 7pm to 1am New the success or failure of most leaders And finally Years Day without a drink is tedious, is dependent upon how well they still the regular fights were good. But work with others AND how well they Just read the Consultant’s Secretary’s last year I had a stroke of luck. I settled understand themselves. The main 11 email “Please can you let me have down in front of the telly and tuned derailers are: articles by MONDAY 29 November so into whatever seemed to be the least that we can get the next edition out offensive programming to see me 1. ARROGANCE - you’re right and by Xmas” everything went black; a through to 2004. I still miss The White everybody else is wrong complete hard disc failure. Easy for those Heather Club by the way. At least the in employment to deal with; just pick participants seemed to be enjoying 2. MELODRAMA - you want to be the up the phone. A bit more complicated themselves. But back to 2003, I think I centre of attention otherwise. But apart from continuing had just finished my small dry sherry email problems I think I’ve got away when I blinked, opened my eyes, and 3. VOLATILITY - your mood swings with it. realised it was 2.30am. Oh happy day! create business swings I have long cultivated a “Bah-humbug” Nonetheless if indeed you are reading 4. EXCESSIVE CAUTION - the next impression of Christmas and associated this before Christmas may I wish you decision may be your first festivities but 2 events last year put a Happy Christmas and all the best for things in perspective. 2005; or 2006 if this issue is delayed.

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 10, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2005

Au revoir Monsieur Frites Don’t get me wrong. They are usually people standing in line. And don’t excellent places with more space, choice be fooled as you walk round the Hopefully, as they say, by the time this is and quality than the average British supermarket if shoppers seem few and published I will have booked my annual offering but all seem to demonstrate the far between, they will all be lurking at holiday to France, an activity that has same fault, checkout queues. The British, the checkout when your time comes. produced more than one idea for this allegedly like queues. It is a national And no one ever complains about column. France is superb for a holiday characteristic. The French are said to the tardiness or incompetence of the with a difference but I have no interest detest queuing and will do anything to shopper in front or the till operator. in living there permanently, unlike many avoid it. Except in supermarkets. others, according to daytime television. The last time I shopped over there I For one thing I’m not sure I could cope No matter what time of day it is every picked the shortest line and ended up with French supermarkets. available checkout will have 5 or 6 behind a Ken Doran look-alike, which 27 THE SCRIBBLER won’t help many of you. (Ken was an around talking to each other and clearly sporting words obviously. In the elected councillor, Chairman of the the concept of “service” is not thought of world of satire it passes for humour to County Farms Committee and a real as demeaning. just mention his name, or any recent gentleman; a rare combination indeed.) American President or the current British The man in front was a distinguished Later, on a visit to Pegasus Bridge I could Prime Minister and hyped-up audiences, looking 55ish year old trying hard to not get into the café because of the pre-prepared like Pavlov’s dogs, fall give the impression that he wasn’t really crowds and cycled back to the frites stall about riotously. When Donald issued in the queue. He stood at an angle of by the roundabout. I was just beaten his famous homily on problem solving 45 degrees to the others and gazed to the counter by a group of 6 English it even made, and was duly ridiculed, longingly into an imaginary far distant bikers trying to order, without success, on the main evening news. Remember? horizon. He was extremely well dressed some refreshment. They all wanted “There are known knowns: the things with highly polished Gucci loafers; something different and le patron was we know we know. There are known cavalry twill trousers with knife-edge getting more and more confused; until unknowns ie we know there are some creases, Tattersall check shirt, cravat I stepped in. My elderly “O level “French things we do not know. But there are also and a burgundy leather jacket. His hair soon sorted things out and I spent a unknown unknowns: the ones we don’t was grey and well trimmed as was his pleasant lunch in the sunshine at the know we don’t know.” This came up as moustache. After studying his turnout same table exchanging views on the Alan Coren’s question on radio’s The News for a time I suddenly realised I was in relative performances of their excessively Quiz. Even before he started his answer the express checkout, 9 items only, and powerful Japanese bikes and my old and the audience were in hysterics. As he started furiously counting the items in rather battered mountain bike. launched into his piece they were beside my trolley accordingly. themselves. Then he stopped abruptly None of us were drinking alcohol by the and was brave enough to say that having My friend in front turned his head way perhaps as the French are starting read the lines out loud he had suddenly towards me a fraction and his eyes to take a harder line on drinking and seen what it meant and confessed it was turned slowly away from the imaginary driving. To reinforce this an anti-drink rather perceptive. Everyone went quiet; far distant horizon and looked down at driving poster has been produced with this wasn’t in the script. my trolley. He thought for a moment the words “L’Alcool tue lentement”; ie then lifted his gaze to catch my eye. Alcohol kills slowly. It seems that one The expert witness Then he raised his arm a little, extended was recently defaced with the words “On his hand with palm downwards and s’en fout, on n’est pas pressé”, or, in other The scene is the High Court. A bewigged fingers stretched out and almost words “We don’t give a damn, we’re in lawyer is cross-examining a pathologist imperceptibly rocked it from side to no hurry.” witness. Evidence turns on whether the side. At the same time he turned his lips victim was dead before the autopsy down slightly and raised his left eyebrow Cheers. began. about 2 millimetres. Corrected quotes “Are you sure that Mr X was dead before I may not be fluent in French but there you began your detailed autopsy?” was no doubting his meaning; “F**k the Bill Shankly famously asserted that 9 items only and stay where you are.” the second best team in Liverpool was “ Yes.” Liverpool Reserves and “Some people In contrast I do like the superb believe football is a matter of life and “Did you check his pulse before you professionalism to be found in French death. I’m very disappointed with that began?” restaurants. I arrived in Honfleur on a attitude. I can assure you it is much, very hot market day. Most restaurants in much more important than that.” “No.” that town are around the dockside area However he did correct the story that he and all have extensive semi-permanent took his new wife to see Rochdale play “Did you check for signs of breathing?” awnings. On market day most of the on their wedding day. “That is not true”, free space is taken up with stalls so it he said, “It was her birthday, because “No.” all gets very crowded. I had promised there was no way I’d have got married myself a nice lunch so was looking for in the football season. And it wasn’t “Did you check for blood pressure?” somewhere suitable. I soon got to know Rochdale, it was Rochdale Reserves.” the form. The menu at the entrance “No.” could be studied in depth and no one Jose Mourinho in his Porto days, after would appear to notice. But take half a being treated to a new goal celebration “But surely you did check for signs of step inside and you were taken over by a after a ManU goal in a European match brain activity?” well-oiled machine. Within a minute you said “It won’t seem like such a novelty were seated where you wanted to be when he does it next year.” “No.” and a menu appeared. The courses then materialised effortlessly and a slight nod Donald Rumsfeld the US Defence “But do you not agree that this would produced the bill. The staff did not stand secretary has a way with words; non- have been a wise precaution?”

28 THE SCRIBBLER “No. By then his brain had been in a jar Two such uncorrected howlers uttered explained, Larry the Lamb and Dennis on my desk for the previous 2 months.” in the same programme recently were the Dachshund went out after dark as follows. hunting for fairies. I then listened with “But nonetheless would you be prepared growing alarm to the following dialogue. to concede that even so the victim could In a scene setting piece emphasising I quote verbatim. still have been alive?” the heavy cost of the trial for the local community it was said that “Policing Out on patrol Ernest the Policeman spots “Well I suppose so. He could have been the Michael Jackson Trial is likely to cost Larry out on his own. “What are you alive and well and practicing law at a £4,000 a day.” doing out at this time me lad?” he said in very high level somewhere.” his thick lugubrious voice. And in a sports news piece “Steven Gerrard Back to the BBC is in secret negotiations with Chelsea “Oh dear Mr Ernest, Sir,” said Larry in about a transfer which could bring his his thinly disguised terribly spiffing It is understandable that a correspondent, weekly salary up to £120 million.” BBC voice, “You gave me quite a start. I sitting on his bed, in his jimjams, at 6 o’clock thought you were a fairy.” in the morning, might get a word or two Luvvly jubbly. wrong in a live interview. Although, to Luckily this sort of thing went right over be fair, it is less understandable that his Nostalgia ain’t what my head when I listened in the 40s. I management, right to the very top, seemed it used to be switched off hurriedly in case I learned at the time, and still seem, unprepared something distasteful about Mr Grouser. to admit it. However, as a confirmed BBC BBC7, the nostalgia digital radio watcher, I detect a new trend. This is a channel, is currently rerunning some cavalier approach to defining quantities old Children’s Hour programmes, whether it’s tens, hundreds, thousands or discontinued in 1964. I tuned in and by more or whether the quantity expressed is chance happened across an episode pounds sterling, euros or dollars. of Toytown, one in which, as the plot

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 10, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2005

Bonjour Monsieur Frites choose a tray of the appropriate size eg the county in order to convince them small, medium or large, and le patron of their part in the bigger organisation. On my way from Brittany this year I took will normally demonstrate these if He eventually retired at 50, on a a detour across the First World War areas you cannot manage the language. huge pension, looking like a slightly that I had never visited before. It is now Not so this one. He merely took the overweight schoolboy. impossible, almost, to believe that such order and carried on attending to his an horrendous conflict took place here fryer. Eventually he put a large square At the county we had an annual as restoration is total but a glance at a of pristine greaseproof paper on the Chairmans’ Reception held in a different large-scale map reveals the real story. counter (I hope our Consultant Secretary location each time. This particular year In the Arras/Cambrai area there is a is taking notes) and then placed on this was the turn of Bury St Edmunds, then cemetery of some sort on virtually every the biggest tray I have ever seen which foreign territory to me. It was held in crossroads and all are maintained in he proceeded to fill to overflowing – and The Athenaeum, “an historically and pristine condition. then added an additional gigantic scoop architecturally outstanding Grade 1 of frites for good measure. It was about 4 listed building on Angel Hill, in the After I had seen enough I set off for big helpings altogether I reckon. historic heart of the town, containing a Calais and home in the late morning in beautiful ballroom in the style of Robert sombre mood. Having seen any number Needless to say, and try as I might, I Adam with stucco decoration, a pillared of roadside “Frites” notices over the couldn’t finish them but didn’t need any alcove, a double staircase and a now past few days, without any opportunity more to eat in France nor for the best blocked-off minstrel gallery. On the roof to visit, I was beginning to think my part of the following day. of the building is a 19th century dome luck was out this year. But then, on containing a fully fitted observatory. coming round a roundabout, I did an I know a better place to eat Inside, the reading room and lounge emergency stop and just managed to command impressive views of Angel pull into a magnificent picnic site with Terry Miles, the fire officer, was a Hill,” as I was to write some years later. tourist information, picnic table and a wonderful man. He was never at a magnificent “Frites” stall. At last! loss for a word on social occasions, an Despite the grand surroundings, the essential attribute for his trade. Fire Reception, and the opportunity to This one, however, had unusual vending officers spend most of their time visiting meet the great and good of Bury St arrangements. Normal practice is to their many small teams dotted around Edmunds, was not going well. The food 29 THE SCRIBBLER was meagre and the guests seemed and an oven too. We got through a lot I wanted to avoid that if possible. So, diminished by the building. After half an of coal each month as the fire was never using a shovel, I carried out all the hour I noticed Terry quietly wandering allowed to die, and if it did it was relit as blazing logs one by one and dumped round the beautiful ballroom in the style a matter of urgency. Just a final thought. them in the garden. Even so the of Robert Adam (the ballroom that is, Each bedroom had a tiny little fireplace. chimney was still on fire. So I blocked up not Terry) and briefly whispering in a few Anyone who was ill, and confined to the airway to the flue with wet carpets, carefully selected ears. Finally he came bed, got very worried if that fire was lit. still no good. And anyway didn’t I recall to me. “I know a better place to eat,” he from Mackay’s Building Construction said. “A few of us are off in a minute.” “Are Later on the first house I bought, a little that the main and unseen danger was you on?” I nodded in agreement. “Slip bungalow, had a “Parkray” in the lounge, that timbers adjoining the chimney were out quietly and we meet up in the car an early woodburner I suppose, that likely to catch fire? park. It’s not far.” burned anthracite rather than logs. The Parkray drove the central heating system Accordingly I rang the local police station Our destination was in fact his new and hot water. The Parkray was difficult (not by 999) and tried to negotiate. I fire station about half a mile away. He to fire up, keep alight and keep clean. wanted a fire engine but not the siren had warned his duty watch by mobile It was kept alight round the clock in or lights or the man on the roof with the phone that a party of 12 was on the winter. Mine performed very effectively hosepipe on the basis that the fire was way. Could they provide refreshments? except when the wind was in a particular out but it would be nice to have the roof They could. There were great mounds direction and when this happened the checked out. “Not possible chief,” he said, of cheese sandwiches awaiting our water in the hot tank began to boil! “fire only turn out on a 999, but I’ll tell arrival. They were made up from thick you what.” “What?” “I’ll have a word direct cut slices of white bread liberally spread Through the seventies and eighties with fire and relay your requirements, I’m with real butter. The filling was about I owned houses with open fires that sure they’ll play ball. Then you ring 999 in half an inch depth of grated salty were never used and when about ten the usual way and we’ve cracked it.” “OK,” cheddar. Not the sort of fare I was used years ago I had the opportunity to buy a I said, gave it a couple of minutes and set to in those health conscious days. They new house I opted for a real traditional matters in train. were absolutely magnificent! We soon fireplace; the only one on the estate. polished them off and reluctantly made This was in use from day 1 and was a real I heard the fire station siren go off and our separate ways home. delight until the second winter. could here the engine coming through the town and up the hill. No sirens. 24 hours later I was in the Intensive Arriving home early one very cold Magic. At the top of the cul-de-sac the Coronary Care Unit of the local hospital, winter’s afternoon I immediately got blue light was switched on. “Minimum just a stone’s throw away from the fire the fire going. By now I had dried and requirements Guv,” said the officer station, having had a heart attack. A seasoned logs and I soon had a merry later. The engine was very noisy. The coincidence really but Terry always blaze going. To rev it up further I used blue lights washed over and over my claimed he was the man who put me in the newspaper trick to increase the neighbours’ houses. The engine dwarfed Intensive Care. draught and hence the urgency of the the Close. The crew pounded up my fire and this worked very well; too well. front path as I pounded down towards Fire What I thought was the enticing sound them. “All right, guv, the police have had of a fire burning well was in reality the a word, we know the score. We’ll just There was a piece in my Sunday paper chimney on fire. check everything out.” the other week all about how to make a fire. I suppose open fires are becoming A few weeks earlier I had noticed a Back in the hall, which always seemed fashionable but many people now chimney fire in the adjoining street. such a big space, about 6 firemen in have not had the requisite training or Showers of sparks belched out and boots, waterproofs and helmets buzzed experience. Until recently I have always cascaded down the roof. After a few about efficiently and seemed to fill up lived in a house with a fire so know all minutes the fire station siren sounded the whole space. I kept out of the way as about them. and within five minutes the fire much as possible for a couple of minutes engine was on its way. It arrived with then diffidently asked the officer if, it In the house I was brought up in there the sirens blaring and the blue lights wouldn’t be too disruptive, whether tea was always an open fire burning in the flashing. Ladders were put up against and biscuits would be in order. living room. The kitchen, a separate the front of the house and then I saw room with sink and gas ring, was a fireman on the roof ridge dragging “Sir”, he replied, “the crew and me have unheated, except on Monday when a hose behind him. To tackle the blaze just been discussing this. We thought the boiler was lit. The “front” room, he stuck the hose in the chimney and you’d never ask.” with a piano, was also unheated and signalled for the water to be turned indeed never used except for funerals. on. White steamed plumed out of the New tricks So the living room was used for many chimney for a long time thereafter. purposes, and heating was essential The mess inside the house must have Many years ago I spent quite a time particularly as “the range” heated water been indescribable. visiting my brother who was seriously ill

30 THE SCRIBBLER in hospital. For a lot of the time he was So with a detailed specification I put The high spot of the monthly site out of it, doped up to the eyes while together a proposal for the market meetings dealt with the issue of the Mother Nature did her stuff so I had the to consider. We wanted a developer tiles. The developer wanted to show his opportunity to make a detailed study to design and build a new library, to appreciation by providing some free site of his “get well soon cards” pinned over our specification, within an agreed art. It had been mentioned before and the bed. timescale, offer us a wad of money, wait consultations ensued prior to the formal for us to move from the town centre to offer. The Director said “We want to show I was haunted by one card in particular. the new building; whereupon the town our appreciation by providing a fresco centre building would transfer to the of ethnic tiles covering all the wall of the The picture on the card was of a circus developer. main stair well. The tiles will come from big top showing the ring and the crowd South Africa.” Dead silence. “Oh, the tiles from a very high perspective somewhere Through working with the private sector are made by black South Africans in a near the roof. In the foreground of the the authority would get a nice new factory owned by black South Africans.” picture is the “high wire”. There is a dog library and cash to set it up. And the Dead silence. “Well?” said the Director. on the high wire standing on its back developer would get a splendid town “Sorry” said the librarian, “you cannot feet juggling brightly coloured balls centre building for shop conversion. do that.” Jaws dropped all round the with both hands and whirling hoop- As a by-product the new library would table. “Why?” “Whoever produces them, las around one leg while balancing on change town-centre pedestrian flows and the tiles are South African and having the wire with the other. The dog looks help improve its new immediate locality. discussed it the staff say that if the tiles apprehensive. Had we not been so naive we could go in they will not operate the building.” have wrung a lot of publicity out of this Dead silence. Then the Site Agent spoke The text on the card reads as follows. “innovative regeneration partnership”. up, “Well what’s the problem then?” he said, “send them down the road,” “What!” “High above the crowd Rex desperately A developer with the expertise to said the librarian. “Send them down tried to remain focussed. But still he make the site work, and enough cash, the road”, he repeated, “sack them”, he couldn’t shake off one nagging thought. He came along. They saw the future in explained, thinking he had not been was an old dog – and this was a new trick.” partnering and hoped it would lead to understood. “Just sack them and bring in better things. I hope they were not too people who will operate the building.” I became convinced that was true and disappointed; we were both about 20 yet practical experience of having to years before our time. I can’t remember what was said next learn “new tricks” has shown me that but this was the point at which the it is not. So much so that I now find it They had reservations. They knew there irreconcilability of the two cultures difficult to remember what the old tricks would be a long process of decision- became crystal clear and both sides were that I spent 30 years performing. making involving design, regulatory went away without really understanding approvals and building work ahead and the problems of the other. Partnership Note No. 471 doubted if the authority could make decisions quick enough. Accordingly By way of anti-climax I then tried to get Perhaps it was meeting old chums they had set up special arrangements some publicity for the project. In those that reminded me of my involvement for urgent Board meetings and would days the internal processes were not in an almost historic first attempt at be able to turn decisions round in 10 easy. I had to prepare a draft for some “partnering” back in the 70s. In reality days. I said I thought we could match corporate bozo who, despite knowing it was an innovative land deal with a that but hadn’t the heart to tell them nothing about PR, property, libraries partnership flavour. that I had total authority to make all or the media, translated my words into necessary decisions. That out of the passive tense corporateese, deleted all The authority owned and operated way, the project got under way, detailed property references and then proudly a library situated in an historic listed designs were produced and agreed told me he could get it published in a building, in the centre of an historic and building work started. Monthly site local government free sheet. Suffolk market town. As a library it was meetings were held unless urgent action difficult to operate and should have was required. The whole process was an Ladies’ soccer been the hub of a rural mobile service exciting and amazing experience. but access and parking were impossible. I found myself watching some international Prospects of redevelopment were nil. I attended all site meetings with an ladies’ soccer at the end of last season and Get the picture? Assistant County Librarian. The developer it proved to be an enlightening experience. fielded a Director, area management On the field there was no shortage of skill, The authority also owned a surplus and senior site personnel. The Assistant stamina, creativity and effort. At one time police station about 200 yards away, out County Librarian and I attended every girls couldn’t kick a ball properly; when did of the town centre. Might this relocate site meeting. But interestingly over the that change? the library? Criteria were drawn up but period of the project ALL the developer’s in-house architects could not make the representatives changed with the Off the field the noise of the crowd restricted site work. originals either moving up or moving out. was higher pitched than the Premier 31 THE SCRIBBLER League but there was no shortage which I mean where one player loses no player deemed it essential to run half of enthusiasm. Better still there was the ball in a tackle and then acts the length of the pitch in order to hurl a complete absence of the usual out being pole-axed in a display close range obscenities and spittle into threatening element, those “fans” whom of histrionics that would even look the ref’s face. Parky named “lumpen tosspots” before ludicrous in an afternoon matinee he formally vowed never to watch performance of a Ben Travers farce on Come on Ladies! Play the game. football again. a wet weekday in Worksop. And finally Unfortunately I do not think ladies’ And there were no heart rending soccer will ever catch on as some of the appeals for throw-ins as both players On 22 July 2005 I drove home past a vital and essential elements of the game shout “Our ball ref” no matter how field already harvested and ploughed were missing completely. obvious the outcome. having already watched (some of) one of the first competitive games of the For example the ladies seemed unable Members of the same team were 2005/2006 football season. or unwilling to spit copiously onto the reluctant to fight each other – or anyone pitch at least once every minute. Or void else for that matter. their nostrils similarly. And finally when a decision was lost, or There were no dodgy tackles. By a bad shot made, or a toe was stubbed

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 10, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2005

Out of the closet sherry before dinner but I don’t want in Sheffield to share the first analysis If that published far and wide. kicked off with, “These are an interesting When The Terrier Volume 10 Issue 2 set of figures submitted by a county arrived I turned as usual to the back The word anonymity reminds me about authority where the responsible officer pages and was astonished to find my the assurances If Price gave when I is the County Land Agent and Valuer.” photograph on page 44! When I took on joined up with his FM Benchmarking Thanks If. this role the Editor assured me that my Group at Sheffield Hallam University. anonymity would be preserved and I “No one will ever be able to identify Anyway perhaps it’s good that the secret have often gone the extra mile to avoid individual items of information so in is out because at Nottingham quite a putting in those revealing details that submitting your detailed figures you can few people came up to talk about the give the game away. But now the secret be as frank as possible. We will make it Scribbler Column. is out. And trust the Editor to have such clear whether the source of the data is a a compromising photograph ready to county, district or unitary authority.” Six ACES and the RICS hand. Occasionally I do have a small months on, sitting in a seminar room up It is difficult to believe now but just over 3 years ago relations between ACES and the RICS were at an all time low. Well, to be frank, they were non-existent. One ACES President failed to get even an acknowledgement to his letters to our revered Institution. In June 2002 I wrote in this column “…At the last Council meeting it was clear that peace had broken out. ACES was wined and dined by the RICS on the previous evening and the RICS was anxious to assure ACES that it was pushing at an open door.” Since then the relationship has improved immeasurably and many RICS potentates have attended our meetings in order to demonstrate this. The latest, at Nottingham, was the current RICS President Steve Williams FRICS. What a nice man! He was approachable. He listened. And above all remembered. We had a long chat while examining the Binns Organ during which he elicited most of my

32 THE SCRIBBLER professional background. On the following The day before setting off for Roger the builder morning we were both lurking outside the Nottingham I was told that the deadline Conference Room waiting for the OGM for the next Terrier was in 5 days time. I know that after the last 3 times each to finish and not only did he remember Terrier deadlines, like John Mortimer’s time I have said “Never again!” But here our discussion but he fed back my career breakfast seem to be getting more we go again. I’ve had the builders in highlights to me as reinforcement. frequent all the time. It only seems a one more time. With a germ of an idea few weeks since I did the last piece. in mind I eventually called in Mike the Nottingham According to my computer it is. The last Architect to come up with a solution as piece was sent in early August. What’s try as I might I couldn’t. He could and All the usual suspects were present, going on? did. The proposal was brilliant and a along with many new faces. The solution I could never have discovered conference was very well attended. I The Lionheart walk without professional help. The plot went up by train again and although began to take on its own momentum. Central Trains are not as spectacular as It is said that there are 6,000 chartered the GNER the trip with its innumerable surveyors resident in Eastern Region. Then along came Mark the Kitchen connections could not be faulted. I And yet every September, when the RICS Designer. Again an ideal and exciting almost decided to go by car but the “Eastern” Annual Lionheart Challenge solution began to emerge and I was well fuel situation put me off. Why people charity walk takes place, where are they? and truly hooked – again. think that an effective protest against The event was organised, as ever, by high fuel prices is made by queuing Geoffrey Dyball FRICS, Breton Chartered Believe me I tried to do the whole thing round the block to buy a little bit more Surveyors. This time the location was the professionally. With final plans to hand beats me. Alton Water/Tattingstone area. About I went out to 3 builders for a price for 30 people turned up; not all, it has to the building work. Having selected Traveling across East Anglia by train be said, chartered surveyors. Some the lowest priced tender I gave the is a bit like time travel in reverse. It’s are getting on a bit now or carrying go-ahead by a Letter of Intent. I was All Our Yesterdays and our answer to injuries including the professionals, ie sub-editing the Newcastle papers at the York’s Jorvic Centre. Ely, March (where the Albons. Where are the rest, the other time, in particular the one by Robert the British Rail Website recommended 5,980 approximately? A good proportion Langley, Partner, of Watson Burton LLP. making a change), Stamford, Oakham, of these will be young and active and Remember? He said that those with Melton Mowbray etc; it’s beginning to well able to do a gentle 12-mile walk. a classical education who have read sound like Flanders and Swann isn’t it. “Ask not what the RICS can do for you. Dickens “The Pickwick Papers” would Eventually the train reached Leicester Ask what you can do for the RICS.“ remember the character “the fat boy (as ever one stop short of Nuneaton) of Peckham.” He described himself as where a connection on some swish There was a moment of excitement “the fat boy of Watson Burton” and in new Midland Main Line completed before the start. After most of the the immortal words of Dickens, “I wants the journey. regulars had arrived another car drew up to make your flesh creep”. He went on and out got young Gerald Gora and wife to say he was a construction litigator Nottingham itself looked fine through dressed in sports gear. Unfortunately but unlike an ordinary doctor who sees the heavy rain. Like all the city locations they were just off for their usual healthy people he was a pathologist ACES visits it is described as “vibrant Saturday morning run but nonetheless who only sees the dead bodies. His firm and multi-cultural”. I was impressed to wished us well. Even more sadly the advice was do not send Letters of Intent find there were trams and that Ostrich café, said to open at 10am, remained and never ever issue Letters of Variation. Burgers were already being fried in the obstinately close until the party moved main square at 9 o’clock in the morning. I off at about 10.30. I, and many others, Nonetheless I did a Letter of Intent don’t suppose you can get more vibrant had been banking on a breakfast to see and followed it up swiftly with more and multi-cultural than that. us through to the lunch break, but no than one variation. such luck. Special pleading however A super venue, and a super conference. produced, for me only it has to be said, So far no problems. Roger the builder a nice piece of organic carrot cake is a one-man band. He does the Terrier publication dates supplied on a paper serviette and with a excavations, drains, foundations, plastic fork. brickwork, roof and tiling, plastering, It was John Mortimer, the famous joinery and floor laying. His friend Clive writer, who said that one of the By the time the purchase was complete does electrics. Peter, Mark’s man, does interesting features of getting old was I was about 400 yards behind the the kitchen fitting out. I will do the the impression that breakfasts seemed group and it was difficult to make up decorating and teas and coffees. There to come round more quickly all the the ground while genteelly eating the have been no problems, but I haven’t time. At the age of eighty he had the precariously balanced carrot cake with had final accounts yet, and I have to say feeling that he was eating breakfast the aforesaid plastic fork. all have been real gents and no trouble every 15 minutes. but I will be glad to see the back of them and get back to normal. 33 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 10, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2005/6

Cardiff Annual Meeting the holding at a price of many hundreds government has established an inquiry of thousands of pounds but when he to find “a solution” and Mr Prescott wants And so to Cardiff for the AM. Struggling took possession in the 70s the farm to force councils to release land for to reach the place via the slow train was worth about £7,500 so after all the cheap housing. and the driving rain the day had all the rent he had paid the offered price was hallmarks of a disaster. However the “ridiculous”. Not a word of thanks about Of course the CRC’s report provoked palatial splendour of Cardiff City Hall the opportunity to run his own farm for more comment on the farming and the pleasant company soon put forty years. He made it sound like forty programme. Two hill farmers had paid to that. I had gone, of course, to years in the Gulag. identical stories. The new subsidy see Betty inaugurated. And not without arrangements meant their enterprises some fear and trepidation as a couple Strangely enough it reminded me were effectively bankrupt and so both of weeks before I had heard talk that initially about the Great County Farms farms had little “existing use” value. Betty was having a new crown made Scrutiny I was involved in some years But “lifestyle” house purchasers were and hoped it would be ready for the AM! ago. When my turn for a grilling came, offering vast sums of money and both Personally I felt that would have been on about the third day, the first question now ex farmers were bemoaning their a mistake as her old crown is perfectly I was asked was along the lines “Clearly fate and that yet another farming serviceable but then I realised, belatedly, all most County Farms tenants can opportunity would be lost. Again not a that the overheard discussion was about expect is a lifetime of hard, poorly word of thanks about their good fortune dental work. rewarded work. Don’t you feel that it is in providing for themselves a well morally questionable for you to grant supported-financially retirement. One All in all the day went well. The them tenancies in such circumstances?” with much venom did not have a good lunch and speeches were excellent. I was somewhat taken aback by this word to say for his “lifestyle purchaser”; The only downside was that due to line of questioning but in my long and the other, being Welsh did not have a complications I need not go into here rambling response, as was expected of good word to say for his “English lifestyle ex-President Richard (Allen) handed me me as a Chief Officer, I mentioned that purchaser”. the ACES lectern to convey safely back in over thirty years’ service that was the to Suffolk. The said lectern folds up first time anyone had raised a moral Now we know how “House prices into a purpose-made shiny aluminium issue and in any event my conscience threaten rural areas”. attaché case rather like the one the guy was somewhat assuaged by the fact who carries the nuclear trigger when that the queue of potential new tenants I know I won’t be popular for saying this George W is on walkabout. Or possibly went right round the block. but despite the obvious fact that lifestyle it might contain a million pounds’ or second home purchasers outbid worth of new notes or narcotics. It also And then under the headline “House locals for the most desirable property weighs a ton. All I had to do was carry prices threaten rural areas” RICS in an attractive area the sellers are or at it down to Cardiff station, get as far as Business weighs in with a piece on the least initially were locals making a quick Bristol, then walk 2 miles, in the dark, report of the Commission for Rural profit at the ultimate expense of their through the back streets of Bristol and Communities (CRC) on The State of the neighbours. Why should government thence to my vehicle. No problem. Countryside 2005. This report showed step in to stop that happening? More that, apparently, “while the average rural importantly how? When I finally reached safety I realised household income is higher than in that I had just completed my third visit many urban area, low wages and a high Rural affairs ps to Cardiff again without really seeing cost of living create disparities in wealth, any of it or testing out its bookshops. poor access to housing and declining One of the above quotes is from RICS services in even the most affluent areas.” Business (RB) September 2005. Just so Rural affairs I have to say I see no logic at all in any of we know what I am talking about the that key statement of the report. Further magazine RB is the successor to The I think it was the County Farms tenant comment from the CRC asserted that Chartered Surveyor Monthly (CSM) or as on the radio that got me started. He was if the gap between house prices and a letter writer to that noble publication 70 and had had a tenancy for 40 odd incomes continues to grow “There is a put it “Up here we call it the Chartered years, couldn’t afford to retire and so real likelihood that some communities Firelighter.” Be warned, I made the was having a good old moan about the will change irrevocably.” In what way mistake of reading that out in front of system. He wanted to let the holding I wondered. Well the piece provided the kids who forever after referred to the to his son so he wouldn’t have to move. the answer as further questions. “Then magazine as The Chartered Firelighter. But he couldn’t. So when he retired who will take on local jobs? Who will be the holding would be sold. Yes he had providing and using local services.” The Spookily, having read the September been offered the opportunity to buy answer to this conundrum is simple; issue, and drafted out the above piece

34 THE SCRIBBLER for this column, I have been struck off “Oh he’s an East Suffolk Man” – or “West” The surveyor, now much emboldened, the RB mailing list. When the time comes – or “Woman” as the case may be. said yes he did, “but only cursorily”. I feel sure our valued Institution will not However his long experience of these have lost my bank account and direct I was an East Suffolk man. Trevor was a matters and his detailed inspection of debit details but getting back on the RB West Suffolk man. An alien shipped into the current condition left no doubt in mailing list is proving difficult. the new HQ in Ipswich all the way from his mind that the crack was caused by Bury St Edmunds. He was an engineer the works. Receiving the RB is one of the few and among other things had just tangible benefits of membership. Well completed a major road scheme in the “And you remember that the wall was that’s not quite correct. There is another aforesaid far away Bury St Edmunds. OK before the works?” asked Trevor one, a combined benefit of both RICS again. “Yes.” “Did you, by any chance, and ACES membership. And that is being He was also a very, very nice man. The happen to take photographs?” asked introduced to the current RICS President new HQ was a tower block and the Trevor. “No.” said the eminent surveyor. at the ACES Presidential Conference. The usual way to meet staff from other “Well I did,” said Trevor, produced a huge usual format is that the President offers departments was in the lift. It seemed wallet of snaps from his overcoat pocket. his hand and says, “Hello, I’m [??????????] that no matter how early you got into “Oh and look at that, there’s the crack and I’m President of the Royal Institution the office on the way up in the lift to the exactly as it is now.” of Chartered Surveyors.” To which I sixth floor the door would always open respond, while retaining a grip on the at the engineer’s floor and there would “I must get some further instructions hand, and adopting a serious expression, be Trevor. He was very short. I don’t from my client,” said the surveyor as he “Are you sure?” recall him as a fat man but he resembled left the scene at a rate of knots. Trevor Mr Five-by-five. He always looked as if looked at me and smiled. We never But back to the RB, I’ve emailed the he had been working for hours. I never heard from the eminent surveyor again. RICS via the website and I’m told this saw him with a jacket but always in has been forwarded to the circulation greenish tweedy trousers that appeared Sadly, some months later Trevor was department in Siberia or somewhere but to fit snugly under his armpits and were killed in a car smash on the A14 at a to no avail. supported by industrial strength braces. point close to the link road he had built. As the doors opened there would be a Any suggestions? By the way have I huge smile of recognition and his usual A chartered surveyor? missed anything? opening gambit of “Hello boy. I’m just on me way up to see you.” In Cardiff the man from the Chartered Tribute to Trevor Surveyors Training Trust mentioned that On one of these occasions he asked me the majority of surveyors these days Many readers will not know about the to go with him on a site visit to his Bury qualified at university and so, when great Reorganisation of 1974. It was an St Edmunds road scheme to meet an the time came, were not fully aware event of cataclysmic proportions. The eminent surveyor from the town. A link of the world of work. In contrast the Reorganisation changed the pattern road from the new (then) A14 by-pass conversation at dinner in Nottingham of local government substantially. to the town centre had been built close centred on the varying experiences of In Suffolk, before 1974 there were 2 to the existing flank wall of a house and the previous generation of surveyors separate county councils in Suffolk, East the eminent surveyor wanted to discuss the majority of whom set out to be Suffolk County Council and West Suffolk the damage that had been caused to his something other than surveyors. That County Council. There were at least a client’s property. includes me. We all arrived in our first dozen second tier authorities and 2 or surveyor’s office fully aware of the world possibly 4 separate police forces. The The 3 of us stood looking at the wall, of work but a little light on surveying intention was to end up with one county a nice piece of extensive 100-year-old techniques. council, 4 second tier authorities and a brickwork. The surveyor pointed out single police force. It was also intended a large crack in the wall and said, “My Actually I did go to university. After to round off geographical areas in client asserts that this damage was a conventional education, albeit fast order to facilitate the better delivery caused by the building of the road.” tracked, (I was always a year ahead of of services. The “consultation” period my time; was it ever thus?) I won a good took about 4 years during which the “It does look pretty serious,” said Trevor scholarship and went off to read for, politicians took the opportunity to cut and we all looked at, and commented inexplicably, a civil engineering degree. out most really sensible elements in a on the extent and width of the crack During the first year I found out a little series of squalid political deals. and traced its zig-zag route up and about civil engineering; schools then across the wall. The surveyor seemed provided no “careers” advice, and came Of course the effect of this time- much encouraged by all this. “Did you to the conclusion that I hated it. Also the consuming and radical process on staff happen to check the condition of the work we covered seemed to have little, morale was immense. For a couple wall before we started work?” Trevor if anything, to do with engineering so of decades after 1974, in Suffolk, asked in all innocence. there was little to engage my interest. individuals were always referred to as 35 THE SCRIBBLER I still dream about the first year exams. months.” Clearly I didn’t do much work Rotherham to receive the princely Well it’s my recurring nightmare actually. but I remember the Union building and sum of 14 shillings and nine pence a As I went into the examination halls I living on Watneys Draft Red Barrel, pork week in benefit, slightly less than my had a feeling that I might have been pies and HP Sauce and, inexplicably, bus fares. Once the benefit was sorted a little light on the preparation side. I joining the Manchester University out personal details were taken so the read carefully through the first paper. It Mountaineering Society. Happy days. staff could assess future employment would have made more sense written prospects, if any. Having queued up with in Mongolian hieroglyphics. Had I Back home, having rejected the high life, the other labourers for some time (not come into the wrong exam? There and two thirds of a County scholarship, quite like The Full Monty) I got to the was nothing in any question that I I needed an occupation commensurate counter. “Trade?” I was asked. “Concrete remotely recognised or understood. with my position. I began as a navvy finisher,” I replied, for thus it was. “Any The only input I could make was to working on building a high school in the qualifications?” sneered the clerk. This write my name on the answer paper, village I was born in. Here I learned more was my Rubicon and I recognised it as albeit with difficulty. Worse still the about civil engineering in a year than such. I could keep quiet and say no, as invigilator would not let anyone leave most graduates learn in a lifetime and was expected or what? After a slight (and thankfully I was not alone) until eventually rose to the dizzy heights of hesitation I said “Yes, 5 A levels and half an hour had elapsed. I passed the scaffolder’s mate. 3 O levels.” The clerk flushed angrily time reading the first 6 pages of the and spluttered, “Out,” he said, “and Manchester Guardian. Eventually I was After a year or so I moved to the big city round the corner. You lot sign on at the released. I tried another couple of exams and worked on the building of the new Professional and Technical Register.” with the same result then left for the electric arc furnaces for British Steel at summer vac. Templeborough Rolling Mills. (Irony of Here they were much keener on ironies this is now a theme park). Here writing things down and from then on When my results arrived they were not the pay was better, basic hours were 8 I was kept busy attending interviews good. I was invited back to discuss it but till 8 Monday to Friday, 8 till 4 Saturday at least 3 times a week. What with that the options were unattractive and the and Sunday and all the overtime you and signing on twice a week I was authorities were so off-hand that after wanted. Occasionally I used to ask for an well out of pocket. Eventually I arrived one preliminary chat I never went back. hour off to go for a haircut. I was paid, at Sheffield City Hall where a man very well, in cash, with no opportunity called FD Entwistle FRICS said to me I returned home fearing an adverse to bank it. Eventually I went off for a “Have you ever thought of becoming a reaction from my parents who had 2-month motorcar tour of Europe during chartered surveyor?” sacrificed so much to get me to the which time the job slowed and my cards position that I so cavalierly threw aside were posted home. I hadn’t a clue what he meant but but they were very supportive. My father somehow knew that my quest was over said, “I’m glad tha not going back; I don’t I “signed on” at what we then called and a new and much more rewarding think tha would have lasted another 12 “the unemployment exchange” in journey was about to begin.

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 11, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2006

St Edmund short-listed, he lost out to the foreign Clearly a dangerous occupation beset pretender from Turkey. But what has with immense practical difficulties. On 3 December 2005 the Estates Gazette been forgotten amid all the recent You try moving an army and attendant reported “Being cursed by a group of locals publicity is that St Edmund is in fact the baggage train up and down the narrow, is not unusual for property developers. Patron Saint of Town Centre Car Parking; twisty, inadequate, unsurfaced lanes Typically this involves strongly worded hence the current activities of that of East Anglia. And imagine trying to letters, a spot of heckling at a council stalwart band of noblemen, The Knights get the cellophane off those packets meeting or, at most, a few mildly offensive of St Edmund. of service station sandwiches while placards. But one developer can now claim wearing chain mail gloves. It must have it has been cursed in the ancient way. On It can’t have been much fun being a been a nightmare. 20 November Centros Miller was officially 9th century Anglo Saxon King of East condemned with a 1,000 year old curse Anglia. Then the monarch was head of The ultimate irony was on getting back by the Knights of St Edmund, a shadowy the army. So is the current monarch but to base in Bury St Edmunds (not called group who claim to be responsible for the Edmund had to be very much a practical that then of course, too demotivating) demise from syphilis of Henry VIII in 1547.” “hands-on” leader. And the job entailed and being unable to park in the town spending a lot of time in the suit of centre as all the town centre space By way of explanation it should be armour while riding a warlike charger was taken up by the newly built cattle mentioned that St Edmund should be around East Anglia looking for uprisings market, a controversial development the patron saint of England. Although to quell or invaders to vanquish. that had produced earnest protests of

36 THE SCRIBBLER distinguished local residents who said ended up seriously over budget. or casually killing them off in great the new cattle market made the town The practical effect of management numbers. Shouldn’t we, as an even more look the same as everywhere else. So it contracting is that nobody is ultimately intelligent species, take the hint? is easy to understand why the Knights finally in control. You have designers, formed their secret society in favour of the management contractor and all The last resort town centre car parking. the works package sub-contractors and everyone is bound together by Felixstowe is an Edwardian seaside And what successes they have seen. promises; for example, I promise to give resort on Suffolk’s east coast. It’s not the They saw off Henry VIII in 1539. He died, you the drawings on time, I promise most easterly resort as Lowestoft claims of syphilis, only 9 years after the spell to read the drawings and check them that distinction but it is now dwarfed was cast. Mind you from what I read on time, I promise to help you read the by the container port that claims many about Henry he could well bear much of drawings and check them on time and UK and European records for containers the blame for his own demise anyway. give you my comments on time, etc. handled. The town is not without And later the cattle market was forced Soon everybody is saying I kept my historical connections. Mrs. Simpson, to shut down during the great foot and promises but you did not. When people then the future wife of the Prince of mouth outbreak in the 1990s. When will break their obligations, you sue them. If Wales (and later Edward the 8th), medical science reveal that foot and an employee fails to perform ultimately established the necessary residential mouth is a bovine form of syphilis? Will you sack them. If a contractor fails to qualification by living in the town prior the Knights reveal their involvement? perform you sue him and he sues you to her divorce hearing in Ipswich. back. This is the story of the Scottish Now Centros Miller is in their sights. Will Parliament. Situated at the end of the A14 the curse of this noble band of brothers, Felixstowe could properly claim the title The Knights of St Edmund, do their stuff But did you see the Stirling Prize of “The Last Resort”. When I revisited the again? We shall see. Oh, hang on there programme on television? Many “iconic” town recently I did see in a bookshop goes the dinner gong. I wonder what’s on projects were in the frame. The Scottish a genuine Felixstowe coat of arms with the menu? I can’t go down to the dining Parliament won. After the announcement that motto added. room. They’ve confiscated my tie, belt and even the architects present seemed shoelaces and I have to wait for the nurse embarrassed and proceeded, one after My visit coincided with 2 major to bring me the bib and plastic cutlery. the other, to eulogise the good features announcements. The first was the of the building. completion of a garden commemorating What’s the difference the 50s floods. The second was – between a surveyor and an Why surveyors think a ten times over another - major development of docks. architect? budget job is bad but architects think The floods were a terrible catastrophe. that a ten times over budget job is a On the night of Jan 31/Feb 1 1953 Do you remember the Watson Burton good thing I cannot imagine. strong winds drove a tidal surge down presentation at Newcastle, “Culture the North Sea. At Felixstowe hundreds and Heritage – The Legal Angle?” And The London whale were rendered homeless and 40 people the second half presented by Robert were killed. When I began to work in Langley, the self-styled “fat boy of I couldn’t bear to watch the prolonged the town in the early 70s there was a Watson Burton”? (an allusion to Dickens death throes of the London whale. published road scheme that produced a “The Pickwick Papers” and “the fat When I switched on Sky News on the regular flow of Blight Notices on houses boy of Peckham” therein and in his first evening and heard the expert in the former flooded area. The agents immortal words “I wants to make your explain what traumas the poor thing all pointed out the tidemark, about 7 flesh creep”.) Well Robert’s intention was going through and the inevitable feet above ground level, and really did was to make our flesh creep and he did sad conclusion I decided to watch the their best to show the property to best so telling us of the scary story of the spectacle no longer. Now it’s all over the advantage. Most affected properties Scottish Parliament project. numerous experts are unable to explain were away from the sea front but this did either why the whale was in the Thames not stop Bill, the local agent, advertising He contrasted the construction of two – and thousands of miles off course – or “sea views”. Having completed the usual recent, impressive national buildings, why it died. But all agreed that whales joint inspection I asked “Where’s the sea the Welsh Assembly and Scottish are, as a species, highly intelligent view then?” Bill beckoned me to follow Parliament buildings. (Strangely I don’t creatures. So isn’t everybody missing the him. We climbed up to a sort of attic think he used the word “iconic”). Chosen obvious explanation? conversion where there was a lavatory procurement routes were construction with a dormer window looking east. Bill management (Welsh Assembly initially) Pods of whales arrive where they solemnly opened the door. “Put the seat and management contracting (Scottish shouldn’t be and one is detached to die down,” he commanded, “and stand on it.” Parliament). Both were controversial. spectacularly on a busy beach or up a I did as I was asked. “What do you see?” strange river. I think they are drawing he asked. “The sea,” I replied. Bill smirked The Scottish Parliament suffered our attention to the way we are ruining and we moved on. thousands of design changes and their environment and deliberately 37 THE SCRIBBLER The purpose of the road scheme by The terms agreed were simple. The ineffective and by the middle of next the way was to extend the trunk road space we were moving to would be week I was getting in at 8.00 but without through the town itself and then to the cleaned, refurbished and decorated result. The row of faces was getting docks. It would have been a disaster. before we moved in. All aspects of smaller though. Clearly they were feeling The docks have always generated a lot the removal were to be handled by the pace. On Friday I complained to the of traffic. Mainly nose to tail fast moving professional removers, not by my Treasurer again and he said he would HGVs. When the Counties Branch staff. New desks and chairs were to instruct his staff not to use the space. came down to Felixstowe for its Spring be provided for all and not out of my I said I would be in extra early next Meeting in 1993 it was interesting to see budget. And I wanted 3 allocated Monday and would take direct action if the ashen faces of the delegates as they car spaces at the new building, one my space was occupied. arrived. Most had never seen so many for me and one for my 2 most senior lorries before. professionals. This final condition was On that day I bowled up at 07.45 to find the most contentious as there were no the car again in my space. The full row of Parking other allocated spaces over there but faces was gazing down. Clearly a special the other occupant of the building, effort had been made, as my plans were Overhearing the phrase “She is parking the Treasurer and the treasury were known in advance. in my space” in a recent conversation consulted and agreed. about parking at the office brought to As the disputed space was at the mind events that happened over 20 The building I should mention was end of the line I could not block it in years ago now. Clearly, nothing changes. surrounded on 3 sides by public without parking on the public highway. highways and on the 4th by a private Accordingly I drove up very close and got In those far, far off days, before I became access road along one side of which out to take a look. Our bumpers matched responsible for office space allocation, were about 15 marked car parking exactly. I was driving a Granada estate at I was asked if I would be prepared to space, 3 of which, the end 3, were mine. the time, (the Mark II, best car I have ever move my staff to another location. Let owned). I got back in and gently nuzzled me put you in the picture. We were in a The move itself went like a dream and up to the back of the offending car and new, “architect designed”, prize winning, at 08.30 on the first Monday morning I pushed it out into the road. open plan, office building close to the drove in to find my space occupied by centre of the campus. Of course most another car, obviously belonging to one I could even hear the apoplectic people hated working in the place, of the faces now gazing down at me from screams from above while still inside but none more than me. So when the the first floor. At 08.25 on the following my car and by the time I got out a horde question was asked I said yes, but drove day I drove in to find my space occupied of demented female treasury staff a hard bargain. by the same car. The same row of faces disgorged from the building threatening gazed down at me from above obviously me with the direst of consequences. The space I was to vacate would be the enjoying the spectacle. By Friday I arrived I smiled beatifically and said nothing. key to a whole series of moves of much at 08.10 with the same result. They had lost and I had discovered it was more important services than mine. infinitely better, traffic-wise, to arrive at The space I would move into was much I complained to the Treasurer who said the office early. older, worn out and further away from he would have a word. I don’t know the corridors of power. Ideal really. what word it was but it was singularly

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 11, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2006

DVLA press release – not is printed the initiative will have been idea of putting on Radio Five Live, a another bl**dy initiative phased out. process that took about 2 minutes. As I turned the TV sound off I saw Beckham The following press release appeared The World Cup standing hands on hips waiting to take recently. “In order to assist other that free kick while at the same time motorists to identify potentially Trying to avoid the inevitable build up the radio broadcast a big cheer and the dangerous drivers it is now compulsory as far as possible I didn’t switch on the commentator shouted “He’s scored”. for anyone with either a lower than first England match until 5 minutes Then, on TV, Beckham took the kick and average IQ and a lower than average before kick off. As soon as the match guess what, he scored! I’d forgotten driving ability to display a warning flag. started I realised I couldn’t stand radio sound is appreciably in front of The warning flag is to be a red cross on a another John Motson commentary so digital TV sound and so spoiled the only white background and must be attached tried the digital TV alternative. That was bright spot of the match. to the top of at least one door of the a “kid’s commentary” and so far too vehicle.” Sounds like a good idea to me intellectual for someone brought up but I suppose, as usual, by the time this on a diet of “Motty”. So I had the bright

38 THE SCRIBBLER Alan Brazil with ex-players (not 1966) and showbiz services and departments to adopt the stars. Boris Becker had recorded a moral high ground and oppose the sale Alan Brazil was a stalwart of the Ipswich trailer that was a masterpiece of bad of the council’s “crown jewels” and the team in the late 70s and 80s and a sportsmanship and poor taste. But the generation of capital receipts. This didn’t Scottish International. He now works for joke was he didn’t appear on the night. prevent them, mind you, from fighting the radio station talksport and is even The Germans had about 14 players only like cat and dog in order to grab the better at talking than he was at football. one of whom was not a professional; biggest share for their own spending. Truth to tell he is a much bigger man England had 40 participants listed now than he was in his playing days. mainly non-footballers and the game The homestead I have in mind became plan was to give everybody 10 minutes. available when the then tenant was He may, or may not, have appeared in The result was a foregone, and as we say carried out feet first. This was the only that infamous film “Escape to Victory” unimportant, conclusion. That is to say way tenancies came to an end in those with Pele, Bobby Moore, Sly Stallone and England lost. The highlight of the game days. Some of the land went to enhance other football luminaries but he recalled, came at the end. an adjoining holding; some went to on his radio programme, interviewing the parish council to reinforce the Pele about his World Cup exploits. To put The MP Boris Johnson came on for the village recreation area leaving the rest, the great man at his ease Alan opened last 10 minutes. He was clearly unfit comprising a farmhouse, an old barn the discussion by saying “Of course and had not played the game before. and 2 or 3 acres available for disposal. I’ve played in the World Cup too.” On His plan was to keep on the move as, hearing this apparently Pele took a long, if he stopped, he was unlikely to get The planners adopted the lead role in careful look at his portly interviewer and mobile again. The German Maurizio opposing sales of redundant assets. They considered the matter very carefully. Gaudino, one of their fit professionals had been difficult on previous occasions “That must have been at least 3 or 4 got the ball and Boris was standing and were to be so here. The farmhouse stones ago,” he suggested. about 20 yards away and began to and some land were clearly residential. lumber over to challenge him. Time The old barn could be converted into Will the real Boris please for some fun thought Gaudino as he 2 residential units so this just left the stand up? put one foot on the ball and waited balance of the land to be dealt with. for Boris. He was obviously planning For most of us football is a game we to side step Boris and watch him go After 6 months of argument my staff told see on the small screen involving charging past. Who says the Germans me the best they could do was 3 units players with high technical skill and have no sense of humour? on the remaining land so we eventually superlative personal fitness. It looks received an outline planning consent dead easy. But it isn’t. Unfortunately as Maurizio sidestepped and went to auction. We did rather well. to his left Boris caught his toe in the turf On the day of the sale however the The last time I played on a full-size and was catapulted forward head down purchaser submitted an application for pitch was in an inter-office tournament and to his right with the result that his 7 units and received consent at the very when I was in my mid twenties. This head, backed now by a fast moving 16 next planning meeting. was after a lay off-of about 5 years and to 17 stones of body weight, cannoned any technical skill and fitness had long spectacularly into the “gentleman’s This was too much. Time to have a since gone. I remember we kicked off area” of his opponent. Poor old Gaudino showdown with the planners. I outlined and I ambled goalwards as the ball was was pole axed – Goodnight Vienna! the problem to my opposite number worked down the other side of the field. This produced the biggest cheer of the i.e. we were told consent for 3 units was I got halfway to the penalty area and evening and, despite their exhaustion available whereas at the same time you had to stop. After about 60 seconds I’d Boris’s teammates ran from all corners were discussing consent for 7 units with had it and can remember no more. of the field to offer their hearty a potential purchaser. Why didn’t we get congratulations. consent for 7? So, in early May, I watched Old Liverpool play Old Everton, the Marina Well you didn’t ask for seven “Well, you didn’t ask for 7 did you?” Dalglish Charity match, in aid of a special cancer unit. All the old stars Adam’s Trevorva Barns presentation The irritant were there. All a bit heavier round the [ACES AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE] at midriff, short of hair and about a foot the Bath Conference was both highly The man at Bath said that the good short of pace. Some were heavier than professional and very interesting. strategic manager is an irritant, will not others but it was nice to see, and 33,000 Having done similar projects 20 or so make friends but will gain respect. As spectators were there too. years ago it is interesting to note the one of the few former Management contrasting attitudes and objectives. Team Chief Officers still in ACES I have Later on the same evening it was the Then the only objective set by members so far kept silent on the current glass England v Germany Charity match in was the generation of capital receipts, ceiling debate in general but the above aid of the Bobby Moore Fund and the and “property” was charged with their comment struck a chord with me. Red Cross. It was billed as a “fun” event achievement. This allowed all other 39 THE SCRIBBLER From my day one in local government First of all the CEO announced that I recognised that being an irritant he needed to reorder business and was the way to get on and I no doubt because of other urgent matters the irritated the hell out of a succession Teachers’ Houses Rents paper would of immediate managers. The principle have to be dealt with as the last item on benefit of this policy, for the irritator, was the Agenda. So I sat there from 2.15pm job enrichment, though it did gradually until after 6 before I was asked to speak. dawn on me that the irritated manager When the time came I got about 2 tended to become unsettled and move minutes and was then cut off by a tirade on earlier than expected leaving behind from the CEO who asserted the paper a vacuum to be filled. was unnecessary, wrong in principle in that review was not legally possible, So having got my feet under the table I and in any event all the rents were said, “What’s this file, Brian?” “Oh that’s incorrectly and incompetently assessed. the teachers’ houses file. A general rent He instructed the committee to reject it review is years overdue. We haven’t out of hand. Looking distinctly nervous got the resources to deal with it and they just approved it and began heading I, when working for different but anyway Education wouldn’t be happy.” for the door. To their fast disappearing neighbouring authorities, employed a “Would you like me to do it Brian?” “OK, backs of the members the CEO hurled “joint professional trainee”; the first in go on then.” his final insult. line being Matt. Of course he has long since moved on into the private sector I spent a pleasant week or so, apart from “Just because you have approved the and a successful professional career. the wintry weather, inspecting the 30 or County Land Agent and Valuer’s paper it 40 houses in the portfolio and indeed doesn’t mean to say he’s right.” Earlier this year, 7 years after saying soon found the rents were woefully out goodbye to Matt, I had taken a few days’ of date. Most of the tenants proved to The irritant: the sequel break in York and on this particular day be retired teachers who had stayed on was driving from there to Harrogate via in “their” house and had been forgotten Some years later I had to present a bit of Thirsk and Wetherby. The day was going about by the Education Service. a “dodgy” paper to the same committee well. Thirsk, I find, is always a difficult The condition of most houses was in the same room but under a new and place to park a motor caravan but his deplorable and there wasn’t one of them different regime. For the only time I time, for a change, I had managed it with I could have imagined living in myself. connived with the Committee Clerk to ease. After a stroll round and a coffee I have the paper put last on the agenda moved on to Wetherby where parking is Having come up with a list of revision on the basis that Members would be never a problem; but I spoke too soon. proposals the fun and games began. packing their briefcases and heading for The Education Service was not happy. the door as my paper was announced. Wetherby’s car park is close to the main It didn’t want the attention and didn’t through road. It is a terraced affair want to explain the lack of recent reviews It was working out exactly as planned leading up to the bus station adjoining and the poor maintenance. Also they and as my paper was announced the market square. It is a very large car were reluctant to ask the current teacher members were already packing and park. But I had chosen a difficult day and tenants to pay a proper rent as the low heading out to beat the rush hour traffic. the wrong time as there wasn’t a space rent was in effect a salary supplement. Exactly on cue there was a huge clap of to be had. After 2 tours I did squeeze Nevertheless the report went ahead thunder and instant torrential rain. They myself into a very tight space but an thanks to the strong attitude of my all sat down again and the Chairman elderly couple appeared immediately chief and I was ordered to appear at said, “Well let’s have a good look at this and were unable to get into their car so an afternoon Education Committee to last paper. I think we’ve got at least I moved off. explain the report and presumable take another 20 minutes to deal with this.” the blame for anything going. By this time Harrogate was beginning Miss, there’s a man on my to look more and more inviting and I Before telling you what happened let glass ceiling decided one more look and then on me explain a bit about the background. my way. Stood behind his car, a flash The personality of the Chief Education Glass ceiling’s were in vogue at Bath and motor, taking off his jacket to hang in Officer was such that he was allowed to I managed to get this covert snap of a the back was Matt! He was gazing down run all education committees single- man abusing someone’s glass ceiling. the line at my approaching vehicle until handed. The elected member chairman he realised that it was indeed, I. “Are was allowed to introduce the meeting What are the chances of that you intending to leave that space, Matt,” but thereafter the CEO chaired it. The happening? I asked, “If so then it’s mine.” We had a Chairman and other members spoke pleasant chat and then he was on his only if invited by the CEO. A long, long time ago, in what now way and I was successfully parked. seems a land far, far away Betty and

40 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 11, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2006

Help the Aged is more than half a mile long. A never- times for complete accuracy. “I knew the ending task in addition to all the other Handbook by heart,” asserted Ian. “What I should have known better. Having never ending tasks I have. I declined commandment do you remember best?” organised 2 ACES conferences already with thanks. asked Nicholas. This was “Thou shalt not to volunteer a third time was reckless, fiddle the results.” to say the least. But I did and, about 12 Given the back problem I made sure I months’ ago, became the President’s had an easy weekend so I could have an That’s strange. On my first job, holding Little Helper. By the time the conference early look at the weeks of unattended the staff on the first survey and levelling arrived I realised how much intensive work at the office. I did make it on of a vast future marshalling yard I detailed work is involved and so, 6 years Monday, had a good sort out and got was taken aside by both client and too late, telephoned my PA of that time, home about 4 pm the back having eased contractor and requested that “If at all Hilary, and renewed my thanks for all the slightly. Unfortunately I had forgotten all possible, and given half the chance, thou work she did in 2000. about the 2 loads of logs I had ordered shalt fiddle the results.” and these were now filling the drive with The conference went well and so rain in the offing. Clearly I had a busy Bungs having been on duty since late evening ahead. Where are Help the Aged Wednesday afternoon I was ready for when you need them? Following on from the above I was not home by Friday lunch. As a reward I was offered a bung. No slimline briefcase full relieved of the burden of the Legendary The map man of £50 pound notes was produced or ACES Lectern but asked to deal with the even referred to as a possibility. In fact Books for Africa. And there were a lot By accident I caught a repeat of the the possibility of a “consideration”, to use of them; many thanks to all who took episode of Nicholas Crane’s “Map Man” the word we are probably more familiar the trouble to sort some out and bring programme where he explained how with, was not mentioned. them to the venue. the first Ordnance Survey triangulation survey was conducted. What a physically To my eternal regret I have never yet So after the hordes departed for the and mentally arduous exercise it must been offered a bung in over 30 years. Greene King Brewery I brought the have been. I must look far too honest to make it car round to the Athenaeum door worthwhile mentioning the possibility – and loaded up. About 15 trips were The programme was full of interesting or too gormless. sufficient. Then off to rendezvous with practical points. The “trig points” had first NPS in the Ramada car park where Jeff to be established preferably on hard-to- I did once accept hospitality from a Clarke had 2 big boxes of bound Estates reach mountaintops. The original survey developer after an initial site meeting Gazettes in his car. Fortunately he was party carried a carefully specified load to set in progress an already agreed strong enough to put them in mine. of sand, cement and ballast (in order to and documented development. The build the trig point first) in addition to developer said, “This is my treat. Order By 4 o’clock all the stuff, except the polished brass jumbo size theodolite whatever you want.” “I’ll have a coffee the bound Estates Gazettes, were in a purpose-built polished mahogany and a sausage roll,” I replied. “Make that cluttering up my hall matching well carrying case and all the other surveying a king size sausage roll,” the developer the 3 boxes of unbound Estates accoutrements. I remember using a declared magnanimously. I declared this Gazettes I already had and the large theodolite in my early days. It was heavy in the Hospitality Register and we never box of my own redundant textbooks. and awkward to carry. Significantly the repeated the exercise. The only downside was that I had word is not in the Microsoft lexicon. pulled a muscle in my back during the A few months later we discussed unloading so it was time for a sit down. In addition, because of the distances “Hospitality” at Management Team and involved in the original triangulation, I thought guiltily about the king size Almost as soon as I put my feet up most of the theodolite work was done at sausage roll and was thankful I had the phone rang. I got up to answer it. night but presumably the concrete for declared it. One colleague mentioned “Hello it’s Help the Aged here.” Fantastic the trig points was mixed and poured he had recently enjoyed a “Champagne I thought. It’s payback time at last! I before the sun went down. Nicholas day out at the races” courtesy of a local wonder what’s on offer, roof space talked to Ian McManus an ex Ordnance and frequently used contractor but lagging, cheaper electricity? “Hello, we survey surveyor and they reminisced he didn’t think it worth mentioning wondered if you had ever thought of about the old times. Ian described in The Register! It was a good day out distributing our charity envelopes to “The Triangulation Handbook” as their he recalled, chauffer driven car, good all the houses in Church Road and then “Bible” that specified every action, food, unlimited champagne etc, oh, collecting them up when filled with such as, for example, that every angle and do you know, talk about luck, they cash?” Frankly I hadn’t. Church Road measurement had to be repeated 32 didn’t tell me but they had bought me 41 THE SCRIBBLER a raffle ticket and I’ve won a 2 week all passed this long crocodile of interested expenses paid holiday in Acapulco. I’m Tour de France spectators. I was determined not to off next week. stop even though I could hardly pedal Luckily I got away on my annual for laughing but I did decide to deck The Grumman French Holiday before the Presidential the first one to try emptying a bottle of Avenger - nearly Conference season started. As usual I water over me. strapped the bike on the back of the I went down to my local air show a camper, just in case. This time I went via I did get the top and freewheeled down few weeks ago but this time I had to Dover/Dunkirk at less than half the usual to the harbour. After a long rest I walked do without the company of both the cost. Also I had decided to revisit a site out up the hill. Grumman Avenger and Yesterday’s down in the Dordogne that I had last Man. It was a typical high summer’s day, used 10 years ago and so picked up the Bury St Edmunds revisited warm but with regular and very heavy new motorway south of Rouen that went rainstorms. as far as Tours. This was about a 2-hour Did you notice the Editor’s little run of new road where, for the first 15 competition in the last issue which Early on I did spot a Spitfire and a minutes, I did not see another vehicle. I thought rather rudely interrupted P51 Mustang parked up against the How come it’s possible to build such the best piece in the whole magazine spectator line and spent quite a time infrastructure in France? And we can’t? (see extracted page from Volume 11 lurking in the vicinity, camera at the Issue 2). As I have the list of delegates ready, waiting for them to be fired up The Dordogne site is at the head of who booked a place on the trip I – and the Mustang has a hefty 4 blade a long valley so it’s uphill all the way feel it would be unfair to enter the propeller that looks very effective. there and downhill all the way out. One competition (but would be prepared However each time one of them was afternoon I felt an exploratory bike to do a deal with anyone who is) but I about to start up the commentator ride was in order but after about an have a few helpful comments. issued a firm warning to the crowd hour it was clear that a thunderstorm about the heavy propeller backwash. He was approaching so I set off back. I First of all the Tour of the Great Abbey must have been reading my column! remembered the long uphill approach was conducted by Brother Josselyn De from 10 years ago and could see an old Brackelond. He is the man in the monk’s After the third heavy squall of rain I barn about a third of the way up from habit and pilgrimage sandals to the right made my way to the big refreshment which I had to walk last time. I sailed of the picture. Regrettably he is now marquee. Inside were the usual teas, past this and reached the top with many retired and so was unable to repeat the coffees, cakes and sandwiches and gears to spare. The long sessions in the experience in 2006. musical group. Although there was no gym are paying off at last. sound outside the marquee inside the sound level was indescribable! There 10 days later I was on the north was a long queue for service and the Brittany coast at St. Cast le Guildo, a only way to communicate with the pleasant seaside resort where the town staff was by pointing or sign language; is separated from the harbour by a yelling down someone’s ear was really rocky promontory. So, when cycling or completely ineffective. I eventually got walking from the town to the harbour, it a piece of cake then found a seat in the is necessary to ride up a very steep and quietist part of the place, ie not in direct twisty hill through the town and then line with the amplifiers and had a look at down the other side to the harbour. the group. The uphill stretch is almost too steep to It consisted of 3 fat middle-aged walk but emboldened by my Dordogne guitar-playing guys. The amplifiers experience I felt I could cycle all the were massive and the sound level out way up and as it was very quiet it was front was on the far side of clinically worth a try. The first few yards were very dangerous. They were playing standard steep and I began to regret my decision country and western and early rock and just as I encountered a party of about roll numbers and were the best and a 100 French walkers coming down to most laid back and swinging group I had meet me. They were on holiday and as heard for many years. Appearances can the build-up to the Tour de France has be deceptive. started I was manna from heaven!

Eventually I saw the B25 arriving and “Allez, allez, allez,” they all began had to leave and go back outside to shouting coming out into the road carry on with the air show. waving wildly. “Courage mon brave; allez, allez.” And so it went on, as I slowly

42 THE SCRIBBLER The Editor identifies 16 people and This is a photograph taken at the as neither Malcolm Dawes nor Julian Local Authority Valuers Association Stanyer is on my attendance list, belated Counties Branch Spring Meeting held in invoices are now in the post. Then I think Felixstowe on 21, 22 and 23 April 1993. the girl hiding behind the shades next The occasion is a visit to the then new to the lady in blue is Bess Martin. And I Buttermarket development in Ipswich. I 3. According to a recent comment in believe that Yesterdays Man is peering have a number of questions for you. the Estates Gazette what price did over the shoulder of the man with the the Buttermarket development shades. My friend and ex PA Hilary (see 1. Which 5 people pictured were at recently sell for? above) is behind and to the left of the Bury St Edmunds in 2006? man in the mauve shirt. 4. How many past/present/future 2. Remembering the centenary of Presidents of our association can Felixstowe revisited CLAVA is approaching how many you see? current/former County Land Here is another competition for you Agent and Valuers can you see; 5. Who did I share an office with in again full of Eastern promise. and name them? my first professional job and where is that person in the photograph?

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 11, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2006/7

The Annual Meeting Neil Armstrong would soon launch its own satellite that undoubtedly would have more chrome I know the Telegraph usually has its The launch of Sputnik 1 on 4 October trim than Sputnik 1 and twin speed finger on the pulse and is quick off the 1957 inaugurated the start of the “space windshield wipers! mark but this headline from, as you can race” and panic in America where it see, 8 December 2006 is a little unfair. had long been assumed that they had President Kennedy pledged that the best German rocket scientists. But America would, by the end of the After all the AM, and the election of Ian, it has also produced a most fruitful decade (the 60s) land a man on the only took place on 3 December – 5 days source of quotable quotes. For example moon. Occasionally his speech is rerun before! We will miss Betty of course but Lyndon Johnson remarked that America on TV where he makes the pledge and Ian has all the hallmarks of being a good President. He has obviously already thought through the perils of the Presidency, the first one being lugging round the incredibly heavy lectern for the next 12 months. Ian, with admirable far-sightedness, had brought down his Butler – or it could have been his Gillie – to carry the lectern back to his estates in the North East. What style!

Come on Telegraph; give the boy a chance!

43 THE SCRIBBLER says something like “this program will invasion,” and “Germany’s conservative in adequate Russian and then in deliver the largest payroll into space – parliamentary president aims to win passable Spanish as his fury was spent I’m sorry that should be payload – still constitutional protection for the German whereupon he turned to his Permanent I suppose it will also be the biggest language.” Quite right too; fortunately Secretary with a cherubic smile and payroll too.” our language is devoid of any foreign said in his best music hall Yorkshire intrusions whatsoever. accent, “Now then. What did them funny The man on the moon pledge was sounding foreign words you was trying achieved and, on 21 July 1969. This I suppose back in the thirties, after to explain to me mean again?” produced the most famous quote of the anchluss between Germany and all as the US astronaut Neil Armstrong Austria, when the German Wermacht, at Shenfield One stepped onto the surface of the moon, the behest of their fuehrer, rampaged “That’s one small step for man, one giant across Europe with their panzers Years ago I worked in London and lived leap for mankind.” Of course recently and Volkswagens following up the in Little Clacton near the coast. This the scientists have “established” that he blitzkrieg things might have been meant a dreaded daily commute, in my actually said, “That’s one small step for a different. Had they been successful our case from Thorpe-Le-Soken to Liverpool man, one giant leap for mankind.” This is language would have been peppered Street. To get to the office by 9am I had more grammatically correct. with German words and we would be to catch a train at about 6.20. I hated suffering the same problems that they every minute of it. But the ordeal was What the scientist failed to spot were are now experiencing, and probably made just bearable as I had a free first the words he muttered quietly as he eating weiner schnitzel and sauerkraut, class season ticket. stepped off the surface of the moon drinking liebfraumilch and wearing a few days later. These were, “Best of ersatz leder hosen into the bargain. I usually travelled back on the 6.10pm luck Mr Klotsky.” The meaning was with a colleague surveyor Alan. There explained on a late-night chat show a What a fate we were spared! Let’s were usually Alan and I and four pairs few years ago. hope some doppelganger doesn’t of pin stripe trousers and 4 Evening start another war to stop the invasion Standards in the compartment. This was Neil Armstrong was brought up in of English words otherwise it will be corridor train days; no sound system or a suburban town in Ohio, in an area vorsprung durch technik all over again. central locking. favoured by Polish immigrants. The next- door neighbours of his parents’ house Dennis Healey One evening we set off as usual but were the Klotskys. In his early teens Neil came to a sudden stop after about 25 and his friend spent most of their free This reminds me of a story about minutes. Nothing happened for nearly time practicing pitching baseballs to Dennis Healey that didn’t get into his an hour. No one spoke. No trains were each other and, one hot summer in the autobiography but was mentioned in moving on any of the 4 tracks. The early evening, the ball once again went the radio programme about it. He came Evening Standards barely twitched. It over the fence into the Klotskys’ garden. out of the Second World War as Major was eerily quiet. Alan bit into a large Rather than bother Mr Klotsky again Dennis Healey and has always travelled green apple. Neil decided to hop over the fence and a bit pursuing his political career and his retrieve it himself. hobby of photography. At about a quarter to eight there was the unmistakable sound of a door opening As he was searching for the ball he heard As a politician his short temper was well and a crunch as feet hit the ballast. the unmistakeable sounds of sex coming known and he held a number of high Travellers were beginning to abandon from the Klotskys’ open bedroom positions of state. As Foreign Secretary ship! Casually I strolled into the corridor window. Presently there was a silence he was being briefed on some topic in and slid down a window and peered out. and he heard a man’s voice mumble the presence of both his Permanent The lights on the curved platforms of something. This was followed by a Secretary (the senior civil servant, new Shenfield station were just visible in the loud feminine shriek, a loud slap and to Dennis) and his Political Secretary distance as were stationary trains at every the inimitable sound of Mrs Klotsky’s when the phrase “coup d’etat” was used. signal between the station and us. The voice saying, “Mr Klotsky. How dare The Permanent Secretary then leant station platforms appeared to be deserted. you suggest that? That little boy next forward and in a confidential whisper I went back to my seat and sat down. I may door will have to walk on the moon first said, “That means the enforced removal have uttered a semi audible sigh. before I do that to you!” of a Head of State, Minister.” Just this side of nine o’clock the train Das ist uncool The Political Secretary knew the signs moved, got as far as Shenfield and and moved out of the firing line. As stopped. “All change!” Donner und blitzen! I have to say I felt a the Foreign Secretary’s face went from touch of schadenfreude when I read in pink to red then purple he berated The station announcements suggested the Telegraph that “Now the Germans the hapless civil servant for 2 minutes that all the overhead wires east of are desperately trying to defend their in fluent German, then a minute in Shenfield were down. No trains would tongue against a modern English fluent French, then a further minute move in the foreseeable future. A

44 THE SCRIBBLER coach service had been laid on to take had caught the 7.20. George, another Is this an extract from a Noel Coward passengers east. “Proceed to the station colleague, who got back after us, caught Operetta? - You had to be there when forecourt where coaches are waiting.” the 6.20 as usual. Kolo beat Bolo. It was only because We went down the stairs to the subway Momo was injured and out. Had Momo to cross the tracks to get to the front of Football stories been there instead of Bolo then Kolo the station. We got close to the ramp might not have won out. But what leading up to the forecourt and stopped. Bungs Continued - The Bungs Saga is would be the outcome if Bobo was up The subway was full of closely packed still rumbling on and developing a life against Kolo, or Bolo, or even Momo. We people going nowhere. The maths was of its own. Lord Stevens delivered his may never know. easy. We were about the fifth train. Say initial findings to the Premier League at 500 passengers per train there were clubs in early October and beforehand Sir Alf - I think I might treat myself to 2,500 people in front of us. At 40 per the clubs’ spin-doctors went into hyper the new biography of Sir Alf. He was an coach we should get the 63rd coach. drive. “Plans to give Lord Stevens to interesting character but with one major And new passengers were pressing in complete his inquiry face opposition flaw for the establishment toffs – he was behind us at the rate of about 1,000 from a handful of Premier League a winner. He took Ipswich Town from the every 5 minutes. It was becoming clubs”, said the headlines. “A number arid wastes of the old League Division extremely claustrophobic. of chairmen believe prolonging the (South) to the then equivalent of the inquiry could do harm to the image Premiership title in less than 7 years We were squashed forward to the right of the competition.” It’s an interesting and of course there was the Jules Rimet angle turn at the bottom of the ramp insight into the thinking of Premiership trophy. I saw him in Debenhams Ipswich and Alan and I were pressed up against top management that establishing the once long after his enforced retirement. a couple of doors with the notice truth is damaging but whether or not He was on the down escalator, with 2 “Emergency doors; press bar to open.” some people have their fingers in the heavy bags of shopping and wife, as I After some discussion we decided this till seems to be relatively unimportant. passed by on the up escalator. He looked was verging on an emergency so we The killer comment from “one sceptical as miserable as sin. He had an adversarial crashed the bar and the doors opened club source” related to the projected and uncomfortable relationship with to reveal the edge of the forecourt with cost of completing the inquiry. The cost the press. On arriving at Prestwick a coach immediately in front of us, the so far has been £600,000 and could cost Airport once for the annual England/ fifth and last in the line. We swept on another £400,000 to complete. “We just Scotland international fixture that used board and ordered the driver to leave. can’t write a blank cheque for this,” the to arouse intense passion, until it was Reluctantly he did. What happened sceptical club source was keen to tell us. discontinued, he was greeted by a native to the other thousands of waiting Really? In Premiership terms £400,000 scribe with the words “Welcome to passengers we neither knew nor cared? is only a couple fairly measly bungs; the Scotland, Sir Alf.” His immortal response? cost of employing Wayne for a couple of “You must be f***ing joking.” The driver arrived at a station short weeks or 2 days’ payroll for even a pretty of Colchester and stopped at the top average club. of the station approach road. He said he had to drop us here and return to Goalkeepers - In the good old days of Shenfield. We were getting wise by now. football goalies were always oddballs The station looked quiet. I volunteered and even when continental and to go and have a look provided no one international players were beginning got off the coach and Alan and the other to come to play in the UK the perceived passengers ensured the driver waited for wisdom was always at least the best me to come back. teams would only ever employ English goalkeepers – the best in the world. The station was deserted. I searched Then suddenly they all disappeared it thoroughly and found a couple of to be replaced by highly professional platform staff cowering in an office. “We players from Europe, Australia, and haven’t seen a train since 3 o’clock guv,” even The States. In that infamous match said one. “We don’t expect any trains where Chelsea lost both their world- here today but we believe they are still class goalkeepers to injury a name from running from Colchester to the coast.” the past emerged – John Burridge. Alan Shearer remarked that in his after-life as It took some threats to persuade the a goalkeeping coach John ‘s favourite driver to go to Colchester where trains maxim, when talking to outfield players were indeed running. We arrived at was, “Look, the goalkeeper’s always Thorpe-Le-Soken at 2am over 6 hours expecting to get injured; so don’t late. I had a lie-in and caught the disappoint him.” 8.20am back to Liverpool Street. Alan

45 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 12, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2007

Felixstowe revisited again 5. [Who did I share an office with The Stirling Prize revisited in my first professional job and Two Terriers ago, Volume II Issue 3, where is that person in the pho- Do you remember this time last there was a photograph from the tograph?] This is the tiebreaker! I year I mentioned the Stirling Prize Local Authority Valuers Association shared an office with Brian Garrett fiasco? “But did you see the Stirling Counties Branch Spring Meeting held who is on the back row and is the Prize programme on television? in Felixstowe in 1993; 5 questions were half face peering over Kenwyn’s Many “iconic” projects were in the posed. Now I know all you out there right shoulder. frame. The Scottish Parliament desperately need to know the answers won. After the announcement even so here they are, with a reminder of the Finally here is an important note for the architects present seemed question first. future question setters. Write down the embarrassed and proceeded, one answers as you pose the questions. What after the other, to eulogise the good 1. [Which 5 people pictured were was very clear at the time may not be so features of the building.” at Bury St Edmunds – 06.] Tim 6 months down the line. Foster and Sue, William Marshall, What stuck in my throat was the Kenwyn Brown The local press unspoken implication that running ten times over budget on a percentage fee 2. [Remembering the centenary of As you well know it is the duty of the job was not necessarily a bad thing. CLAVA is approaching how many local press to give ample space to So, to redress the balance somewhat, then current/former County Land anyone with a story knocking local in the Telegraph of 28 March this year Agent and Valuers can you see; and government, no matter how interesting under the heading “Total ban for spurs name them?] The answer is two or uninteresting, or whether truthful – fan who “hit” Lampard” it was reported and a half. There is Henry Cave, the or not. So it’s amusing to note down, that “the drunken youth” “was banned distinguished looking gent in the sometimes, the incredibly naïve from every football ground in the second row with long hair and grey comment that finds it way into print. country.” The man in question “a trainee beard; he was the next to the last (Note for self. I really must get out more). architect” “said he was deeply sorry for County Land Agent and Valuer of a moment of madness”. all. The last CLAV of all is William 1. The local press has been cam- Marshall, the young-looking chap paigning to “oust St George” and Hull in front of and to the left of Charles invites readers to “join our bid to Coates (see also 4 below). Young- reinstate patron saint” i.e. St Ed- On a lighter note this is, verbatim, a er members may not recall that mund. On 26 September last year story told at the end of a presentation originally every county’s estates another article began breathlessly at the recent Presidential Conference officer carried this title, hence the “He was an East Anglian king, the in Bury St Edmunds; not, I hasten to founding of the County Land Agent former patron saint of England add, by our beloved Immediate Past and Valuers Association a century and historians now believe he met President, who is, as it happens, a ago. Every county, that is, except his end near his namesake town of strong swimmer but has never been, so Cornwall which had a County Val- Bury St Edmunds.” Well; what sort far as I am aware, to Hull. uer and a County Land Agent. The of coincidence is that! smiling face of Mark Trinder, the “But the story goes about the couple Cornwall County Land Agent can 2. Prince Harry, and some army who met at a cocktail party and it be seen on the extreme right of the chums, stopped off at an A11 Little was love at first sight. And as these picture between Eddie Turner and Chef, on the way to – or from – things go, after about three weeks of Alun Jones (see also 4 below) battle training to have “an all-day whirlwind courtship, they discussed breakfast”. Needless to say this was the possibility of marriage. They were 3. [What price did the Buttermarket only published because a worker both slightly apprehensive because development recently sell for, as at the café spilled the beans to the they did not really know anything about reported in the Estates Gazette local paper, not literally I hope. each other but decided mutually that it recently?] I can’t remember The piece was a selection of banal would be quite exciting to get married quotes from the lady in question because they were deeply in love and 4. [How many past/present/future ending with “She told how the jaws to find out about themselves as the Presidents of our association can of some of the other customers marriage progressed. Now that was you see?] There are 3 and these dropped with astonishment when fine and dandy. Anyway they were on are Eddie Turner 1992/93, Charles Prince Harry got up to visit the their honeymoon at a very smart hotel Coates 1998/99 and Alun Jones lavatory.” Send for the Poet Lauriat and lying around the pool when the 2000/01 to record this incredible event! husband decided that he would go for a

46 THE SCRIBBLER bit of a swim to cool down. He climbed start and finish line; and I mean at the Obituaries up the tower on the 10 metre diving corner. There was a narrow grass strip board, dived off, did a triple forward bordering the track, a 4-foot high chain Two recent events caught my eye. somersault, two half twists, full pike link fence with spectator cars park position, entered the water, barely a about 10 yards from that. In present day Boris Yeltsin was a brave man who ripple, swam to the side in one stroke, terms we parked in the middle of the changed the course of world politics pulled himself out like Adonis, shook gravel trap. And today Silverstone looks forever. He was not afraid do the himself, came and lay down. His wife like the setting for a chain link fence unexpected. For instance once he was said, “I didn’t know you could do that. manufacturer’s annual convention. too drunk to get OFF the plane in Dublin That’s fantastic. Where did you learn whereas most people are too drunk to that?” He said, “Well that’s one thing you The day warmed up quickly but it was get ON. I still have a cutting of his visit to don’t know about me and this is what a long morning with a few practice his friend John Major at Chequers. After is exciting”. He said, “I was British diving runs, demonstrations and early 36 hours of talks John Major suggested champion for 10 years in a row. I won races. Interestingly I have some good a stroll and the 2 leaders, their wives and a gold medal at the World Games”. She photographs of these, taken with a presumably a phalanx of security men said, “That’s brilliant. That’s fantastic”. So standard lens, and clearly was able and the like sallied forth. They ended up she got up and decided to cool down to lean on the aforesaid chain link near the Bernard Arms Aylesbury and as well. She dived in the pool, forged while taking them. It was a different John suggested they popped in. At this up and down like a speedboat, did situation at the start of the main race the Russian president’s eyes lit up and 150 lengths with tumble turns – the though as my photographs show a he spoke the only English words of his whole lot, pulled herself out at the end, crowd 2 or 3 deep at the fence, with visit “gins and tonics, gins and tonics”. came back, lay down again hardly even some at the back standing on small Unfortunately the pub was closed. A panting, hardly out of breath. He said, stools for better visibility! hefty Russian security man hammered “That’s fantastic. Where did you learn to on the door and shouted “Open up! It’s swim like that? Were you in the Olympics Unfortunately it was here that my the President of Russia”. “And this is the team as well? She said, “No actually I was memories dry up because due to lack Kaiser,” responded the landlord from a prostitute in Hull and I worked both of sleep and the heat I sat in the car for inside. Luckily the misunderstanding sides of the river”. a few minutes and then slept soundly was resolved. through the whole of the race with President, on that less than edifying note the comforting background noise of And the recent death of Bobby Pickett I propose to end my talk there.” Grand Prix cars changing down about who wrote the one-hit wonder Monster 4 gears to get through the corner; very Mash that caught on in a flash. It has a Silverstone 1963 restful. I know Jim Clark won as I have cracking opening line “I was working photographs of the drive past with the in the lab late one night when my eyes My first visit to a racing circuit was car being paraded on the back of a lorry beheld an eerie sight.” Had he been a to Cadwell Park in June 1963, the with the driver and laurel leaves, Colin surveyor it would have been “an eerie nearest circuit to South Yorkshire, to Chapman and a piper. site” but that would have ruined the rest watch motorcycles. Next, and I cannot of the song. remember now why, my elder brother The other day, by chance, I came across offered me a chance to watch the British a book called Grand Prix! A race-by- Meeting The Beatles Grand prix at Silverstone on 20 July race account Formula 1 Racing 1950 to 1963, and a lift in his car. 1965, and bought it. Under the heading In the late 60s I was “on the railway” XVIth British Grand Prix (weather working out from Kings Cross to the I have been there since of course, but warm and sunny) it shows that J Clark north and east. The area I worked only for Grand Prix practice days, as (Lotus-Climax) won, J Surtees (Ferrari) included a number of Hertfordshire I cannot afford to take out a second was second and third was G Hill (BRM). towns including Ware. There was an mortgage in order to buy a ticket. There I had to wait 24 years to find that out! empty goods shed in the station yard. are big differences. I see that Jack Brabham, Dan Gurney, Built solidly in brick in the 1860s it Bruce McClaren, and many other giants was massive with a vast uninterrupted In 1963 we set off at about midnight and of the sport were also there; and Mike internal space with wrought iron drove across country, no motorways, to Hailwood also in a Lotus-Climax. columns and all the period features. find the circuit. We ended up in a very A bit of a pain then but probably narrow lane, at about 4am, at the end Which reminds me of the time I “highly sought after” now. It was also in of a queue of other cars. This was the stood next to Mike for half an hour remarkably good condition. way into the circuit. Other cars pulled up in the Snetterton paddock while he behind. All was quiet until just before 6 warmed up his Honda 6 cylinder 250 Some time before Christmas 1968 o’clock when fans began to get ready for cc racing motorbike, but that’s another I received a number of intriguing the opening of the circuit gates. story…………….. phone calls from someone purporting to represent Apple and The Beatles. We parked at the first corner after the Eventually it was established that 47 THE SCRIBBLER these calls were genuine. In summary He enquired, for this is what we were organisation, I put the place on the The Beatles were planning another TV known as. market To Let. I used the correct rate Special and were looking for a unique per square foot but we had no takers; building in which to film it. They had “ Yes.” too expensive. A few days before my been told about the Ware goods shed departure I realised I had used the wrong and was it available etc. Yes. OK John “You here to meet The Beatles? scale and the area in my rental calculation and Paul would like to see it was this (and hence the rent) was twice what it possible. Yes. The only snag was that the “ Yes.” should be. I didn’t tell anyone. only day they had available was Boxing Day. Could I be available? Certainly. “Well hard luck mate they’re not Even more spookily a few days ago, coming.” having already written this piece, I was I was living over in Bishops Stortford dozing off in front of the telly during at the time and could borrow a car for “Who says?” the local news programme, as one the trip over. I remembered to take the does, when I heard mention of some keys home with me and Boxing Day “Their man phoned me at the Station sort of fracas at a Night Club in Ware dawned clear and bright with a vicious House. Said they went over to and looked up and could swear the frost. Just in case of trouble on the road Amsterdam Christmas Eve and now have Night Club was the Goods Shed in I set off early and arrived at the goods got better things to do than meet you question. So I said to my companion, yard about 15 minutes early. After about and look over that pig sty.” “Look at that! Did I ever tell you I nearly 5 minutes a scruffy looking individual met The Beatles?” “Everyone in here wandered across the yard and tapped And so my chance of fame and fortune has nearly met The Beatles, love,” she on the car window. was gone. replied, “Are you sure you’re still taking your medication?” “Are you from Estates and Rating? Later, and just before I left the

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 12, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2007

Victoria Even Maurice Garin, the winner of the round the heavyweight Jan Ullrich who inaugural race in 1903, was disqualified always returned from the close season a Who said Victoria has no sense of for the minor infringement of taking stone or two overweight. The Tashkent humour? the train for some of the more difficult Terror, Djamolidine Abdoujaparov, stages. Another contestant, disqualified demonstrating his fearless approach to a When, after a fashion shoot she was in one of the earlier races, could be head down final stage sprint by tripping asked whether she might prefer Gordon regarded as hard done by. On a long over a barrier support at 45 mph. Bjarne or Dave as a future leader of the country, Alpine stage his forks broke and needed Riis, the 1996 winner breaking the her agent flew into a rage. “Now that re-welding. He carried his bike to the opposition in the Alps by stretching really is below the belt. Victoria, you summit and then down the next village. his 3 key opponents in an uphill sprint don’t have to answer that!” There he woke up the village smithy and breakaway and then sitting up and persuaded him to open up his forge and moving aside to let them through. They But she was undeterred. She asked, relight the furnace. A cycling fan himself thought he was finished but he looked “Do you mean which one of them I the smithy said he would be proud to across at the third opponent as he would rather sleep with? But before weld the defective forks himself. Aware pulled along side, smiled broadly and clarification was given she asked, “Is of the rules the rider refused third party began his sprinting again. He gave each instant death an option?” help as it was against the rules. He did the same treatment before disappearing the job himself and rode down the into the distance and eventually victory. Le Tour mountain, in the dark, to the start of the next stage. When the Tour Officials Pre war I think the stimulant of choice I am a big fan of the Tour de France and learned of this epic adventure they were was cognac. After the war it was have watched it on TV for about 30 years. rightly proud of the contestant and amphetamines but, as Fausto Coppi This year “le grand depart” is from London the integrity of the event but the rider the 1952 victor said, “Only when it but I’m not sure if I will spectate again. was ultimately disqualified when it was was necessary.” From the mid 1980s revealed he had allowed the smith’s lad doping became far more prevalent by The event has a 103-year history and to work the furnace bellows. methods that seem more relevant to many riders have been disqualified the laboratory of Frankenstein than a throughout that period initially for rule I have many vivid memories of the supreme sporting occasion. infringements but more recently for Tour. The victory of the soft-spoken drug taking. Irishman Stephen Roche in 1987 and So I am no longer sure whether I the lightweight Marco Pantani dancing am watching an excellent athletic

48 THE SCRIBBLER performance or the relative successes of windscreens? Well, here we go again. quotes but for Mr Sewell I will make a bunch of industrial chemists. Hence I Yellville, a town in Arkansas, celebrates an exception. He is on TV from time am not sure if I will watch or not. its annual Turkey Trot Festival each to time and I remember him doing October. The highlight occurs with the a programme on The Guildhall just To ensure a smooth start perhaps the dropping of a live turkey from the roof of before we were due to pay our annual Tour Officials should keep a careful eye the Marion County Courthouse and the visit there for the ACES AGM. He was on the Eurostar for errant cyclists and challenge is to catch it. Apparently given explaining that respected artists were ensure that all village smithies between optimum conditions wild turkeys can asked to record what might have been London and Canterbury are firmly closed glide for considerable distances. the City Corporation’s Annual Dinner. for the day. These paintings were he explained the But the American psyche demands equivalent of yearly news photographs. The Lions Of Lisbon continuous improvement, “The build a All were very big and solidly framed. He better mousetrap” philosophy and so explained the artistic features of each On 25 May 1967 Celtic won the the focus of the festival was changed and then asked if we could detect any European Cup by beating Inter Milan from one bird from the courthouse to similarities between them. Well,” he said, 2 – 1 in the final in Lisbon. The final the dropping of a number of large birds “they are all absolutely awful!” Ten out of pre-match words of Manager Jock Stein from a plane flying low over the town. ten for honesty anyway. to his team ought to be memorised and adapted by all with managerial It seemed impossible to improve this until He also did a TV series about the responsibilities. one year animal activists decided that Pilgrim’s Route to Lourdes, a well- frozen birds would be a kinder option. constructed, witty and interesting “If you’re ever going to win the European You’re way ahead of me aren’t you? “road” series, until, that is, he reached Cup then this is the day and this is the Lourdes. Here he confessed he was place. But we don’t just want to win Yes, no one had reckoned on the losing his religious faith and felt unable this cup; we want to do it playing good damage a frozen oven-ready turkey to participate in the usual ceremonies. football – to make neutrals glad we’ve could do to the roof of a modern car, He was just finishing doing his piece won it, glad to remember how we won it.” (they should have consulted ACES to camera when he was buttonholed members) and so last year the Festival by a small group of elderly ladies from Robert Philip of The Daily Telegraph reverted to feathered friends. Merseyside. He explained what he was records a more down to earth memory doing and finally one of the ladies asked of the day. These are the recorded words Boxing if he was coming with them to say a of Jimmy Johnson, “Wee Jinky.” prayer. He then repeated his concerns I just happened to tune into “Best about his loss of faith. One of the ladies “Big Jock always said we’d win but to be Ever Fights Live” on ITV4 and saw Jim then reduced him to tears by putting her honest I thought we’d get a right gubbin’. Rosenthal and Barry McGuigan run hand on his arm and saying, “Well don’t through some of the most memorable worry, we’ll say one for you.” I can see them yet standing alongside recent fights. It was most enjoyable. us in the tunnel waiting to go out on the Tyson versus Spinks demonstrated His quote was about a “double act” pitch; Faccheti, Domenghini, Mazzola, Tyson’s power. Spinks, the technically from the northeast. The ones who, Cappellini, all six footers wi’ Ambre superb and superior boxer was clearly some raving publicist tried to convince Solaire suntans, Colgate smiles and terrified of his opponent’s reputation us a few years ago, were “The new slicked back hair. Each and every wan and lost heavily. Morecambe and Wise.” Mr Sewell said o’ them looked like yon film star Cesar quite a lot about then in an item in the Romero. They even smelt beautiful.” Jim mentioned that at about this time Radio Times and concluded by saying, “A Jimmy Greaves and gone to the States and D are the most loathsome little twits “And there’s us midgets. Ah’ve got nae to record a programme with, and to ever to have made dim-witted provincial teeth, Bobby Lennox has’nae any either, spar with, Iron Mike. At this point Barry mediocrity the vehicle of millionaire and old Ronnie Simpson’s got the full rocked back on his heels with delight. success.” monty, nae teeth top and bottom. The It was an unusual idea, he conceded, Italians are starin’ doon at us and we’re but Tyson even then was becoming an He may say that - but I couldn’t possibly grinnin’ back up at ‘em wi’ our great unpredictable man even to spar with. comment. gumsy grins. We must have looked like something oot o’ the circus.” “They must have had a man stationed Turbines ’n pasties outside the ring with a kalashnikov Must have been some match. during filming just in case he lost it,” he At ACES meetings valuers are still asking mused. I think he meant Tyson – not Jim. for comparative information on how More frozen birds to assess wind turbine licence fees and Brian Sewell the like. Here in the east the Crown Remember British Rails’ problems Commissioners have the offshore wind in using frozen chickens to test I don’t often use other people’s farms’ market sewn up except coastal 49 THE SCRIBBLER authorities might get a look in when freeze to death!” Nonetheless I accept pasty shops that have sprung up in dealing with the electricity cables too the need to develop “renewables,” every English town and shopping mall. connecting the turbines to the Grid. sustainable forms of energy generation. And all the motorways seem to be full of Cornish pasty lorries fanning out across Nice try ACES members for doing your But as I say you are not fooling me. The England. Is something sinister afoot? Is bit to keep the wind turbine myth turbines are just a sham to demonstrate a secret Cornish army being infiltrated intact but you do not fool me. I accept something is being done. I know into our midst? I think we should be told. the new factor of global warming for a fact that the electricity cables These events began at about the same although when I was at school the connecting the turbines to the Grid are time Brian Reeve-Fowkes retired, and geography and physics teachers spent there to just drive the propellers around. he has been very quiet since then (too a lot of time frightening us by drawing Looks good doesn’t it! busy perhaps?) but that may just be a attention to the fact that the sun was coincidence. inevitably cooling and “you’re all gonna And what is it about all these Cornish

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 12, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2007

Le Tour authorities this year in trying to riders shouting “encouragement” into eliminate doping will continue and their ears, throwing water over them Well of course I watched it, from the a clean race is delivered before the and just generally being an absolute pre-Grand Depart introductions to the sponsors disappear. bloody nuisance. Such spectators are Champs Elysees! The London end was invariably Spanish, overweight, topless masterminded by – if that’s not too Four events stick in my mind. and inebriated. They wear cheap strong a word - our friend Ken who football shorts and flip-flops. They are figured prominently in the pre-Grand 1. David Millar, hoping for a win in dangerous. Depart introduction of the teams in the second time trial, was dogged Trafalgar Square on Saturday evening. by mechanical problems. Time trial This year such an event was being filmed And there he was again waving the bikes have a solid rear wheel with a from a low flying helicopter ahead of teams off on Sunday (and waiving the lightweight tyre fixed on with glue. the leading group. We saw a typical Congestion Charge and wearing the It was unfortunate when his rear tyre looney rumble into unsteady action. He same shirt as yesterday as the ITV4 came off the disc within sight of the was in great danger of either a massive commentator unkindly remarked). start. For the same thing to happen coronary or falling over and bringing to the replacement wheel after 400 down the group. Then we could see The TV pictures, mainly helicopter shots, yards looked like carelessness. David about 50 yards ahead a well-dressed were produced by the well practiced despatched the faulty wheel far across spectator standing peacefully by the French TV Crew and the run down to the adjoining field. “I thought you roadside. He looked as though he could Canterbury made me realise what an looked a little bit angry at that point,” handle himself. He could. As the looney exquisitely beautiful place Kent is. I ventured an intrepid lady reporter. “Oh closed in he stepped casually into his suspect one of the reasons I watch did I?” replied David with a slight touch path and stopped him dead with a the event anyway is for the excellent of irony. perfect, well-timed, stiff-arm tackle. It helicopter views of French chateaux, was high too. He would have been red churches, villages and wildlife. The views 2. The regular Tour reporter Phil Ligget is carded under any rugby code and I of Kent were just as good - if not better. becoming a worthy successor to Murray doubt if he would have played for the Walker. rest of the season. The looney must have It soon became apparent that many of thought he’d run into a brick wall. I hope the usual competitors were not present 3. The eventual winner of the race he had his video on at home. including one of my favourites Mario usually emerges in the mountain stages; Chippolini. Chippo is an Italian with film the uphill bits not the downhill. The 4. And finally a last word on doping. In star looks. Wee Jimmy (see last issue) scariest sections are near each summit August, after yet another blood test, would have liked him. He was a big before the crowds are contained behind I was told that the analysis registered man and usually managed to pull off an barriers. Here the vast crowds, getting an unusually high count of red blood early stage victory thanks to his fearless bigger every year, seem to overwhelm cells. “Oh really,” I said, “I did lend it to sprinting finish. In recent years he never the road and the leading riders behind this Danish bloke for his French cycling completed the race and as soon as the a couple of police motorbikes seem to holiday and he’s just brought it back road began to go uphill he was away have to force a route through which unexpectedly early.” home on the TGV. I suppose we are then closes up behind them. Very unlikely to see him again. claustrophobic. When the crowds The Scribbler has been unwell are slightly less dense individual Hopefully the actions of the race spectators like to run alongside the In early August, after a series of ever

50 THE SCRIBBLER more complicated tests extending over I cannot remember the last ACES a few minutes the commentator broke a 4-month period I was finally admitted conference I missed. At the time of into his commentary on the England to hospital and awaited an encounter writing 6 weeks is beginning to look like match with the words “And now over with Mr Pitt, the Consultant. Sadly he an underestimate. to Roddy Forsyth in Paris who has didn’t look much like James Robertson- some news.” (There were many other Justice but was reassuringly young and I drafted the above “Le Tour” in hospital qualifying matches being played at the so more likely to remember his days at while waiting for the surgeon to arrive same time including France v Scotland medical school. but subsequently events have seemed in Paris. All the experts had gone for a to be slightly devoid of humour except French victory; now read on.) He did very well though. Had a for the following football story. Consultant Surveyor made the initial Roddy responded immediately, in a state incision he would have used a ruler and European Championship of some excitement, with, “I want you to taken more care with the spacing of the football listen very carefully. I will say this only 30 heavy duty paper clips holding me once. Here in Paris the score is France 0, together. It’ll be a sensation when I take England had 2 “must win to qualify“ SCOTLAND 1!” my top off on the beach at St-Tropez matches in September and after the next year. success against Israel I decided to watch Great news; and that was the final score. England v Russia on TV. I tired of the Mr Pitt estimated 4 to 6 weeks’ recovery banal TV commentary and so switched NORMAL SERVICE WILL BE RESUMED IN time. This instantly ruled out Morpeth. to Radio 5 Live for the second half. After THE NEXT ISSUE.

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 12, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2007/8

Thinking of Morpeth close by where he kept his supply of Coulson, head office and works at 47 replacement parts. We adjourned there Broad Street Glasgow. I had to miss Morpeth but the President twice a day so Les could have a fag and was kind enough to keep me in touch a sit down as neither was permitted The machines were solidly built and and there were excellent reports from elsewhere. The only downside was that driven by air turbine motors. It was 8 Andrew Wild and young Willie Martin big flasks of some ammonia-based foot long, 12 inches high and 2 foot wide in The Terrier. I was much taken by substance were stored in there too and and weighed 4,000 lbs; that’s nearly 2 the photograph of Woodhorn on the the fumes made me cough and my eyes tons. The coalcutters shown at Morpeth font cover, according to Andrew, “The water for hours afterwards. Les seemed actually cut out the coal and in some intriguing roofscape is intended to immune, probably thanks to his deep- case loaded it onto the conveyor. In this reflect the profile of underground coal sea diver experiences. pit the seams were too narrow for that cutting machinery. and the low seam Samson was used We worked on low seam Samson for “gobbin aht” ie a 4-inch deep slot Back in 1959 I was lucky enough to get a chain coalcutters made by Mavor and about 6 foot deep was cut into the summer job at the local coalmine. The NCB did not normally do this but the Training Officer knew my father and strings were pulled. As I was a regular employee I had to join the union. I must be the only ex- NUM Fellow of the RICS around.

Even more luckily I was put to work with Les Bilton whose job was the repair and maintenance of the aforesaid underground coal cutting machinery. Les worked in the surface workshop. He had 2 claims to fame. He was in his mid- forties, married, with a family of about 10 children to feed. He married before the war and already had a biggish family before going into the Navy as a deep- sea diver. After 6 years away he returned and started again! His other claim to fame was he was the only fitter in the workshops to have a key to a storeroom 51 THE SCRIBBLER base of the seam so that when the getting to grips with it. However, in the autumn. I mentioned that “Hopefully shot firers got to work all the seam was circumstances, reluctantly, I thought I the actions of the race authorities this able to break away ready for loading. ought to go so had to set up an effective year in trying to eliminate doping will The conveyor was moved up and system of office delegation immediately. continue and a clean race is delivered miners loaded the coal with shovels. before the sponsors disappear.” More This produced, as Arthur often said, The course was based at what was once revelations about doping have appeared “The cheapest deep-mined coal in the the Cadbury mansion on the southern since then and already a major sponsor world.” What he neglected to say was edge of Birmingham. It lasted 6 weeks Deutsche Telekom has pulled out. that Australian open cast coal could from early February 1985 to mid March. have been flown in by Concord, first Remarkably the temperature was below Wee Jinky - again class, and still be cheaper. freezing for most of time, a most unusual circumstance that would now be taken The perceptive among you would The machines seldom got as far as a as proof positive of global warming. have been watching the “Rebus” routine service as there would be some episode “Knots and Crosses” on Friday minor fault underground, an inspection Up to that time INLOGOV boasted that 7 December. The stories are set in panel would be removed and a half a all participants in its long residential Edinburgh and the production values hundredweight of nutty slack would course finally went home at lease a of the series are just about as good as fall into the mechanism. They would be stone heavier but luckily for me there Morse. But instead of being filmed in brought out of the pit and we would was a change of policy and the first golden Oxford light Rebus is deliberately find them in the workshop. Everything 2 days were devoted to diet, healthy dark and gloomy and Ken Stott plays about them was robust. Big nuts and eating and the benefits of regular Rebus with frightening intensity. bolts held the inspection plates on. exercise! As one lady nutritionist put it, They always needed coaxing with a “The middle-aged overweight executive The observant amongst you would also 14lb hammer. The working parts were who takes no exercise is likely to either have noticed that in the last reel, when well protected with a profusion of ball die before retirement age or suffer in Rebus is questioning a suspect in a bar, bearing races. These took an hour or so later life from a number of tiresome and he is punched across the room and hits of energetic hammer work to get them uncomfortable medical conditions.” I the opposite wall with his shoulder off the shaft. It took a week to refurbish woke up at 4am the following morning breaking the glass of a framed cartoon one machine but it was a pleasure to with the sudden realisation, “Crikey, she drawing of, yes you’ve guessed it, Wee see them going back to work looking means me.” Jinky in exactly the same pose as the pristine with a nice lick of paint. photograph 62 of the summer edition! The only other events of note in the Where will he turn up next? Woodhorn is now firmly on my visits list. first week were that overnight my car, along with many others, was opened High drama in Nantes AMDP@INLOGOV up and everything portable stolen. On Friday we spent the morning at the In the aftermath of the early departure In my day you knew you had a firm University ready for a quick getaway of Wales from the RUGBY WORLD CUP grip on the management ladder when after lunch and my car was broken into the Telegraph reported, “The dismissal of the powers-that-be put your name and again emptied. I arrived home (Gareth) Jenkins was inevitable after an forward for an Advanced Management eventually with just the clothes I stood afternoon of high drama in Nantes.” Development Programme (AMDP) up in and was uncertain whether to at the Institute of Local Government return on Sunday night. Some years ago I was in Nantes and was Studies (INLOGOV) at the University of personally involved in an afternoon of Birmingham. When my name first came But I did and things improved. I bought even higher drama. up I was Deputy County Land Agent and some trainers and went cross-country Valuer and after a number of interviews I running every afternoon. We played At one time I used to motorcaravan was pencilled in for 1984. Unfortunately football at lunch times. On returning holiday “en famille” and for many years both my parents then died shortly to work I found everything had gone drove down to Biarritz to stay on a rather before I was due to attend and I asked if swimmingly in my absence and I upset the splendid site overlooking the Atlantic I could be excused. Reluctantly INLOGOV Chief Executive at my first Monday morning just to the south of that town. It was a agreed but I rather think I was marked Management Team. There’s nothing to this long drive and the favoured route back down as LMF (lacking moral fibre). advanced management lark. was Bordeaux, Nantes, Rennes and on to either St-Malo or Le Havre. I was slipped onto the next year’s course Encore Le Tour De France and this was hardly less convenient as by During those years I got to know Nantes then I had just moved into a new built I wrote about Le Tour again in the last “peripherally”; it looked to be an elegant house (and busily engaged in digging Terrier, it’s just below the big photo of place. The 2-lane ring road round the all the bricks out of the back garden) an early session of Village People on town had a mixture of junction formats. and was only a few weeks into my newly the Woolwich Ferry, and I promise to Either there was a normal slip road that appointed Chief Officer role and just not mention it again perhaps until next required a deliberate turn to exit or the

52 THE SCRIBBLER whole of the inner lane became the slip the hypermarket without it. We arrived presumably in case she opted to leg it road with the bypass reduced to one at the checkout with an extremely well with the full trolley. lane for the duration of the junction. I filled trolley. None of our credit cards never discovered how to predict which would do the business. The queue All 3 spotted me some way off and began was which and so one day unexpectedly behind began to get restive; as did the to watch me, with; it has to be said, swept off the main road and down checkout operator. An armed security mounting irritation, as I sauntered back into mega retail development in the guard began to hover. Somehow we to the store. I resisted the mischievous form of a covered shopping mall with managed to explain that that we did temptation to window shop! many individual shops leading to a have the readies in our vehicle and hypermarket that sold everything. I would go and get them. This was As I got closer the guards began to The car parking area was massive. It accepted but only if I left the goods and nervously fiddle with the guns in their proved to be an excellent place to stock my then wife as security. holsters. I kept a straight face as I walked up on essentials before reaching the up to them. Just as my wife took in a ferry and having made a note of the It was a good 10-minute walk to the deep breath in order to scream, “Well, junction I used it for a number of years. I vehicle and then back to checkout and have you got it?” I pre-empted this by remember the last time well. I didn’t hurry. As I walked back down saying, “Where did you say the money the mall I could see all the way into the was hidden?” Fifteen years ago credit cards did not front of the hypermarket and noticed always work properly and so I usually that the full trolley and my then wife It was a toss-up as to which of the three carried a wedge of local currency to had been moved out of the checkout would have killed me first had I not said, avoid embarrassment. As we were on area and into a position of shame in the “Only kidding,” and produced the wedge. the way home the wedge was hidden open concourse adjoining and was now It was a quiet drive home. in the vehicle and so we strolled round closely attended by 2 armed guards

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 13, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2008

Birmingham Weeley interesting The headliners were The Faces and King Crimson. I’m sure I had seen The Faces Having unavoidably missed Morpeth I The Weeley Festival of Progressive Music playing in the Two Puddings at Stratford, had set Birmingham as a milestone on that took place in late August 1971 was E15. We couldn’t get a drink, as it was my road to recovery – and I got there. one of the first open air pop festivals impossible to fight a way through to It was an excellent conference and and set a trend still followed today. The the bar, but the music was so intense for me it was a pleasure to renew old village of Weeley is in Essex, situated that it resonated through the entire acquaintances and meet new friends. on the A133 Colchester to Clacton body. I soon had to make my excuses I travelled up by train, a 4-hour trip road. There is a railway station, the next and leave. Among the many “next to on a small but crowded cross-country stop being Thorpe-le-Soken and then headliners” were Greaseband, who had service, and by the end of the journey either Walton or Clacton. There is also just parted company with Joe Cocker, I was beginning to lose the will to live. good road access to Harwich and the Mungo Jerry, Edgar Broughton, who did To avoid this going back I cut the final 2 continental ferries. all my conveyancing work when I moved presentations in order to catch the 12.24 house 10 years later and Van Der Graaf from New Street. This offered better The festival was organised by 30-year Generator. Two years later I remember prospects for a quieter, less stressful trip. olds Vic Speck and Peter Gibbs on behalf standing behind a studious young man of Clacton Round Table. The objective with rimless glasses at Stowmarket Unfortunately one carriage was fully was to raise “a considerable amount of station booking office who produced a booked out and occupied by a large money for charity” and “to put this area Van Der Graaf Generator chequebook to party of grey haired OAPs on the way on the map.” pay for his ticket to London. to Stansted thus leaving only one carriage for the usual complement of The festival site was a couple of farmer’s Tucked away in the small print of the ordinary travellers and other Stansted- fields adjoining the railway line and supporting acts is “Status Quo”. There bound holidaymakers. Accordingly the easily accessible from the station. I didn’t is a colour photograph inside which, return journey was far noisier and more go but lived about a mile and half away on close inspection, could be the sons, stressful than the previous day’s but I so heard every bass guitar note played. or possibly grandsons of the current made it. members of “Status” as we aficionados The programme, a self-assembly job always call them. I think I’ll drive to Basildon. from the local newspaper is a fascinating piece of rock history. The Festival ended mid-morning on 53 THE SCRIBBLER Sunday 29 August and then everything George lived 4 houses away from where and the package was handed in on went quiet. Although the sound of a I was brought up. Hid father was a arrival in the morning. bass guitar carried very well it was rather carpenter and had reputedly played monotonous and impossible to tell what in goal for Southampton. He had 2 At midday the sandwiches were handed was being played except during the brothers, Des and Kenny. Kenny was the out and we ate them probably with a early hours of Sunday morning during same age as me and was a childhood bottle of milk. We were then lined up in the set of Arthur Brown Kingdom Come. pal; Des and George were about 10 the hall and one by one were issued with I reckon the “God of Hellfire” must have years older. a small camp bed. These were lined up in played Fire half a dozen times. Oh, how rows and we all went to sleep until three we sang along. Alongside the Thompson’s house was an then we went home. Happy days! unmade track providing future access to Once the music stopped the continental undeveloped back land and I remember At 4 years of age we entered the infants contingent set off on foot along Harwich that Des and George were always out school proper, headmaster Mr Miller Road, which is where I lived. Most were there practicing their football skills; one who was also Head of the junior school dressed in ex military gear with backpacks, in goal and the other “shooting in” with both establishments being in the same bedrolls and the like. There were a lot of constant arguments about “it’s my turn buildings and to all intents and purposes them. For about 3 hours it looked like to be in goal.” indistinguishable to an outside observer. Napoleon’s Retreat from Moscow. I used to love morning assembly with Remarkably they used a well-patched a hymn, a bible reading, a prayer and Derek Dooley “casey”, practically unheard of at the a pep talk from the Head. I remember time, and they spent a lot of time I often used to do the bible reading Derek Dooley died on 5 March 2008 repairing punctures and the like. I though why and how I managed it I aged 78. He was “an iconic figure” in remember once, being at a loose end, I cannot recall. Perhaps I was the only one Sheffield. He was made a Freeman of loitered behind the goal retrieving over who could read? the City of Sheffield in 1993 and held the bar shots until, venturing too close I an honorary doctorate from Sheffield took a fierce shot on the legs. They were Mr Cottingham took the top class and Hallam University. During his working big teenagers and I was about 5 or 6. It its sole purpose was to get us through life he was variously employed in a hurt like hell and I had nightmares about the 11 plus. We spent a lot of time doing number of local businesses and was, at that for years afterwards. old exam questions but it was not times, Manager of Sheffield Wednesday all hard work. In the afternoons Mr C Football Club and later Commercial My other main memory is the intensity used to read to us from King Solomon’s Manager and later Chairman of Sheffield of their practice. They were always Mines or It’s Never Too Late To Mend United Football Club at a time when you there and carried on and on until Mrs by Charles Read, a tale about prisons could owe your allegiance to either one Thompson, from the kitchen, shouted and punishments in the 18th century. I club or the other but definitely not both. them in for a meal. They always ignored cannot imagine why this was deemed this; whereupon Mrs T would emerge suitable for impressionable 11 year olds. He was also, of course, the fearless from the kitchen, encroach on the field Owls centre forward who scored 62 of play, and cuff both of them soundly Mr Cottingham would be unsuitable goals in 61 matches for Wednesday round the ears with cogent advice on teacher material today. He had a short until, tragically, he broke his leg at how to conduct themselves next time. temper and didn’t suffer fools gladly; the age of 23, and then following and most pupils are from time to time, medical complications his leg had to Des went on to play for Burnley at foolish. One would have to go up to the be amputated. the same time that George was with front of the class to have written work Preston, both teams then being in the marked. As in a Giles cartoon he had a Although I was a United supporter no real First Division. big desk set on a high dais. Standing one could but fail to be aware of the 6ft on tiptoe we would diffidently slide our 3in tall red haired ungainly footballer Schooldays work on to his desk. If there was the with a permanent grin on his face and it slightest error he would sweep the book is a tribute to his resilience that having I am told I first went to school at 3 years off his desk and across the room with a lost his livelihood he went on to further old. There was a nursery class attached muttered “Cretin!” leaving you with the successes with a complete lack of to the village infants school. I remember problem of finding the error, correcting bitterness or self-pity. having a fight with Derek Madison it and redoing the whole traumatic on the school steps early on but my process again. One sentence in his obituary struck two main memories are greaseproof a chord. “It was on 14 February 1953, paper and beds. We all had to bring But thanks to Mr C all who were at Deepdale, that Dooley broke his sandwiches for lunch and these were expected to pass got through and all right leg in two places in a collision wrapped in greaseproof paper although the successful ones and their parents with Preston North End’s goalkeeper where our parents found that from in were duly grateful to him, albeit George Thompson.” the last year of the war I do not know. posthumously, as he died before we Our names were written on the paper took the exam. Perhaps his illness,

54 THE SCRIBBLER whatever it was, was the reason behind School, in the catchment area to the from the crash helmet I had no PSE at his strange behaviour. south. Her first form teacher was a all so by the time I got home I was both young Mrs Monteith. frozen and frightened. My first purchase Moving on from being a small fish in of petrol was one gallon, all the tank a small pond to being a small fish in a Motorbikes would take, cost a halfpenny short gigantic pond must have been difficult. of 5 bob ie just under 25p in decimal Maltby Grammar School was a 2-storey Having secured my first professional money. In the first month, March 1963 building, surmounted by a big clock, job of Junior Building Surveyor I had I did 547 miles, achieved over 88 mpg and built on top of an embankment to focus on finding out all there was at a cost of 5p per mile and yes it was overlooking the main A631 road. No to know about the RICS exams. As cheaper than the bus. Over the year the easy walk from home this time but a half luck would have it the new Sheffield average mpg was 120! hour coach ride. College of Science and Technology had a surveying faculty and as I had the As time went on I acquired new After a chaotic morning assembly prospect of day release we were home waterproof over-trousers and coat for in a massive hall with what seemed and dry – nearly. £2.60, goggles for £1 and a “racing fairing” thousands of other pupils we reached for the bike for just under £15, mail order. our form classroom and our new form My home was a village 20 miles away In February 1964 I took and passed my teacher Mrs Monteith. I remember it from the city centre. There was an hourly driving test, cost £1. I also re-taxed the well. It was a bright sunny room now bus service. This was inconvenient and bike for 12 months for £1 and renewed containing about 40 new kids, 6 being expensive. I worked out that I could the fully comprehensive insurance for the old friends from the village school and afford to buy a new motor cycle on HP princely sum of £2.40. Later on in June the rest total strangers. and tax, insure and run it for less than 1964 I bought a new Belstaff Trialmaster the cost of weekly bus fares. waterproof suit for £10.50. Mrs M went slowly through the register of names checking backgrounds and And so I walked over to Dan Bradbury Unlike the Francis Barnett my bike asking one or two personal questions (Motor Cycles) Ltd in London Road to see was smaller, lighter and started first to put the new boys, and girls, at ease. what was on offer. My elder brother had time every time and helped me get One listened with interest as the process a good old British-made Francis Barnett mobile and off public transport which unfolded. Then came my turn. 250 cc 2-stroke that was big, heavy and in those days was everyone’s objective. took about 15 minutes to kick start into Prices now look incredibly cheap but “William Hubert Marshall?” life each morning. I didn’t want that sort in the context of those days had to be of experience and so was immediately budgeted for very carefully. “Present Miss.” beguiled by the new Japanese models that had just come in as well as their I hope these days new riders are not “Now William; are you called William – or very reasonable prices. allowed take away their purchases Bill? Or Hubert – or Bert?” without proper (any) instruction. The I selected a 50cc model, the one that accepted practice then was lethal but I sensed this was an important turning looked like a genuine motorcycle and having got away with it once I was soon point. I felt the hand of history on my not the scooter-like version that became anxious to shorten the odds again by shoulder. For 11 years I had always more popular later. The deposit, tax, trading up to something more powerful. been called Hubert. Time for a change I insurance, number plates (149 FWA), More later. thought. petrol and oil came to £29.12.6. A “space age” crash helmet cost £4. In addition More footy “I am always called Bert, Miss,” I replied. I had to pay £3.13.1 every month for the next 30 months. As I already had a Having thought about going back to “Since when have you been called provisional licence I said I would pick SKY for the past 20 years or so I have Bert?” asked Jennifer Snow half an the machine up late on Wednesday finally done it only to find that the hour later. We had been chums since afternoon. stories of wall-to-wall Premiership nursery school. “Since about half an football are rather overblown. I have to hour ago,” I replied with a new-found My brother came along on his FB to confess that so far I have only watched confidence and assurance that was assist and guide me home. The man at a whole match on one or two occasions. really rather pleasant. the shop asked if I had ever driven one Nowadays I find it difficult to separate before, I said no! “Well” he said, “that’s my Agbonlahors from my Abedeyors There is one fascinating footnote. the throttle, that’s the brake pedal, that’s and I always remember Kenwyne Brown, My mother, who came from a poor the gear change pedal, best of luck.” I who plays for Sunderland, as being background (financially), had attended strapped on my helmet and was gone. much smaller when I knew him. grammar school in the 1930s at a time when boys from financially challenged London Road was a busy street and it The beautiful game is now completely backgrounds rarely did and girls never was now rush hour so the first few miles spoiled for me by two irritating traits. did. She attended Woodhouse Grammar were an absolute nightmare. Apart First the deliberate infringers of the 55 THE SCRIBBLER rules by players who are so arrogant persistent foul play reminded me of the or that his action was justified. He took that they believe holding both arms only honest incident I witnessed in the his red card like a man and left the field aloft with open palms shown to the last World Cup. It was towards the end of without argument. True sportsmanship. referee will convince him that they the last game France would play before Marco meanwhile went down like a sack did not in fact just kick that opponent being eliminated. Zinedine Zidane and of spuds as if he had been poleaxed into row Z. And second those who Marco Materazzi were walking back as, indeed, he had been. No thrashing feign injury in order to ramp up the from the Italian penalty area in deep about on the ground for him to show punishment for possible offenders. and earnest conversation. Suddenly the referee how badly hurt he was. Zizou turned to face his opponent and Again, what a refreshing change, what Watching the referee in a recent gave him a full strength head butt right true sportsmanship. European Cup match despatch Marco in the chest. He did not try to pretend Materazzi for an early bath due to to the referee that he had not done it

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 13, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2008

Oh no! Not Le Tour again The atmosphere then lightened And then there was a burst of further somewhat as the brass band came activity. A group of racing quad bikes I wasn’t sure if I was well enough for my around the corner. It was a Belgian appeared from the left and turned down annual French tour this year but having cycle-mounted brass band with a very our bit of the T-junction. All quiet again received an offer I couldn’t refuse, I made professional repertoire. The “rhythm for what seemed like an eternity when a late booking. A few days before leaving section” were on tandems but the “brass further movement of more cyclists and I realised that Le Tour 2008 was due to section” used ordinary bicycles. The vehicles became discernable on the start before my return but thought no played a few military marches stationary left. Was it the rest of the field? Was it more about it. but then remounted and rode away another race? No; it looked as though playing a rather jaunty march. it was the same lot as before. Oh no, it In retrospect I planned in too much for must be the second lap! the first day. Having got used to a short As it was now mid-afternoon and I was working day followed by a lie down in beginning to wilt from the heat, the The familiar pattern of quiet, quad bikes, the late afternoon and an evening doing early start and the high emotion I began quiet and cyclists was repeated another nothing I thought I was ready for a bit to drive cross-country to a pre-booked twice (I think) when suddenly the officials more. So I was up at 3am on a Sunday campsite about 30 miles inland from at the head of the queue began to wave morning to catch a 7am Dover ferry and Calais. All went well until with one everybody on – but only to the right. then on to Ypres followed by visits to village left to go through I was brought By this time I was just glad to be on the a nearby WW1 Museum and the Tyne to an abrupt halt at a T-junction by a move and expert map reading meant the Cot Cemetery. This proved to be an man in a black jacket with “Securite” original route was soon regained. emotional experience. The advised route emblazoned on the back and backed for visitors is around the outside of the up by a gun toting gendarme. Further A week later, west of St Malo, I was cemetery, through a recently opened progress left, my direction, or right was toying with the idea of delaying my museum where a (very long) tape deals not allowed. I had no idea what was journey to Cherbourg to Monday with “The Naming of the Dead” and happening. Just my luck to run into a rather than the planned Sunday when I then into the cemetery itself with a non-English speaking security man and happened to fall into conversation with long uphill walk towards the memorial gendarme in the middle of rural France. an English cycling fan over to watch the buildings at the crest of the hill. Brittany stages of Le Tour. “Great,” he After some time there was a burst of said, “If you travel east-west on Monday The tape was very moving but it was activity. A racing cyclist in yellow closely you will come across the St Malo stage even more poignant to realise that followed by another in “King Of the going north-south that day. You will be many of the thousands of immaculate Mountains” polka dots sped by from left bound to see it as all roads in the area gravestones only bore the inscription to right followed by a pack of similarly are closed off to facilitate the passage of “A soldier known only to God”. And Lycra garbed competitors and a number the pre-race advertising caravan, about then half way up the hill the emotional of brightly coloured cars with spare 2 hours, followed by the actual race that stakes were raised to breaking point. A bikes on the top. Was it a cycle race? Had probably takes up a further 4 hours. piper, dressed as a WW1 Scottish soldier, I stumbled across Le Tour by accident? And of course the roads are not always appeared at the top and began to play. A few stragglers brought up the rear opened up straightaway…..”. Shortly thereafter I hurried out into the and then all was quiet. Were we ready to car park. By the time I had pulled myself move off? But by this time I was not listening. I had together a military brass band could be already decided to leave on the Sunday. heard coming up the approach road. Time dragged on. It was very hot and there was a very strong, and hot, wind.

56 THE SCRIBBLER Le Veritable Tour all his properties and files. The 1980 AGM on 9 December 1985 at the ACC President was AL (Tony) Bennett of offices. The timing and location were, I At the time of writing the actual Tour is Buckinghamshire who reappears a few suspect, fixed so as to be ideal for a spot halfway over and there are two matters paragraphs below. The next president of early Christmas shopping. I cannot resist mentioning. Uniquely was Hamish Anderson of Suffolk (my a British rider (Isle of Man) has already boss) who was succeeded by Eric Vessey The election of John Cook as won 4 stages and drug cheats continue from neighbouring Norfolk. In the President in 1986 meant that the to be identified. following year, 1983, the tone of the spring meeting took place at the organisation increased markedly when Royal County Hotel, Durham. Also The British rider Mark Cavendish has a young Kenwyn Brown of Cheshire in 1986 a special meeting was also pulled off 4 sprint finish wins thanks became President. held to discuss the establishment of a to both his own innate ability and the single new Association of Valuers and excellent support of his colleagues in I was so keen to join CLAVA that my Estates Surveyors employed in Local Team Columbia. application for membership was Government. This was carried by a approved on 27 November 1984 just large majority even though it would And why do the drug cheats continue to before I became County Land Agent and mean the imminent dissolution of chance it? Is it the long hours of contact Valuer at Suffolk County Council on 1 CLAVA. Woodhall Spa Lincolnshire was with the hard saddle that causes a April 1985. The then Secretary of CLAVA the venue in the autumn and Trevor numbing effect on the brain? Listening was Brian Garrett. I shared an office with Hopkins, the Lincolnshire Director of to the live commentary in 2 cases it Brian for a year after joining East Suffolk Property Services, hosted the meeting. was remarked “Rider X has turned in an County Council as a humble Valuer on 18 (By coincidence Knight Frank advertised unbelievable performance today.” And May 1970. Happy days. Of those present the hotel for sale in the Estates Gazette so, when the test tubes had done their at that fateful meeting only Tim Foster is of 10 May 2008.) work, we all know why. still around. He has a lot to answer for. The last meeting of CLAVA took place; The feeling on Le Tour is that next year, Way back in 1984, there were still four somewhat appropriately, at the then in addition to the regular dope tests, all County Land Agent and Valuers in post, County Hall, London on 27 November participants ought to be asked to take Chris Rowley in Cumbria, John Cook in 1986 and the last item on the Agenda an intelligence test too before being Durham, Henry Cave at Powis and me. was the formal dissolution of the County allowed to compete. Of course, as ever different, Cornwall had Land Agents and Valuers Association. both a County Land Agent and a County There was much wailing and gnashing The inside story of the Valuer in separate departments. of teeth even though it had been agreed transmogrification of the that CLAVA would continue, thinly County Land Agent and Full of anticipation, I arrived at my disguised as the County Branch of the Valuers Association to first meeting at the Lords Hill Hotel, new Association called Local Authority the Counties Branch on Shrewsbury, on Wednesday 5 June 1985. Valuers Association ie LAVA. the occasion of the CLAVA Meetings then took two days, there was centenary no professional presentation content, To digress for a moment, and if memory but we did talk a lot about milk quota. serves me right, the Hon. Treasurer of When CLAVA was founded in 1908 every Strolling nervously into the bar that CLAVA was Harvey Cox, the Land Agent County Property Officer was called evening, as a complete new boy, I was at Somerset and he volunteered to be County Land Agent and Valuer hence warmly welcomed by Tony Bennett of the first Hon Treasurer of LAVA but for the association’s full title of County Buckinghamshire, whom I had never only one year as he planned to retire Land Agent and Valuers’ Association. met before, with the words “You must be and move to warmer climes. I should say Looking back through the list of former the new member from Suffolk”. the silver tongued Harvey Cox because Presidents in “Per Annum” I see 4 he identified me as a potential Hon. Captains, a Major and a Lieut Col TG Ellis At the meeting my first impression was Treasurer and he invested 6 months of MBE TD from Norfolk who was President that most of the members seemed very earnest pleading before persuading from 1939 to 1944. It was that sort of old, very confident, very articulate and me to take over the role. We met in the Association. And Col CR Bennett TD DL very affluent. I cannot believe that new neutral territory of Chieveley Services of Cambridgeshire, who was President members see us older members in the on the M4 where Harvey handed over in 1928 was President again in 1953, as same light today. On the agenda were 2 boxes of account books and records Lieut Col CR Bennett TD DL, but still at membership applications from the young and, gentleman that he was, bought Cambridgeshire. Alun Jones of Gwynedd who later became me lunch. He left smiling and headed ACES President in 2000/2001 and the not off to Somerset, retirement and an I knew, vaguely, the 1970 President quite so young Dick Miller from Norfolk island paradise. It took me about 6 years DJD (Dennis) Shepherd of West Suffolk. who was ACES President in 1988/89. before I realised why he was smiling but We met once or twice in the run up by then I had supped deep from the to the Grand Reorganisation of 1974 Missing out on autumn at Shanklin on poisoned chalice he had handed me. and I inherited, and got to know well, the Isle of Wight I did attend my first 57 THE SCRIBBLER The first meeting of the County So on to Cardiff, then the famous that time. One by one the other three Branch of the Local Authority Valuers Midland Hotel, Morecambe, followed by, County Land Agent and Valuers of 1984, Association, LAVA, took place at the somewhat shamefacedly, a return to the Chris Rowley in Cumbria, John Cook in Swan’s Nest Hotel, Stratford Upon Avon, Hotel St Michael’s Falmouth. In autumn Durham and Henry Cave at Powys had on 7 & 8 April 1987. There we were asked 1991 the Branch went international and been restructured out of existence or to approve an application for associate met at Llanrug, Caernarfon, followed by had retired, leaving just me as the last membership from a nice young chap Shanklin, Isle of Wight and Newcastle- County Land Agent and Valuer of all called Charles Coates of Gloucestershire. upon-Tyne. I was elected Branch time until the axe fell on me too on the I often wonder what happened to him. Chairman for 1992/93 and this meant last day of December 2000. that the next spring meeting would be The long and winding road then in Felixstowe, Suffolk. Many people, over the years, have continued toTaunton where we shared suggested that the Counties Branch, the hotel with the New Zealand cricket On and on we went to Upton St and particularly its predecessor CLAVA, team, Llandridnod Wells, where it rained Leonards, Gloucester, Aylesbury, was little more than a very comfortable heavily for three days, and Chelmsford Bournemouth, York, Torquay, and gentlemen’s social and travel club. This where Charles Coates presented a paper Oundle in October 1996. The Branch is, of course, absolutely correct and I on Smallholdings Policy Review. We next had gone its own way for 10 years and have to say that I have enjoyed every met at the Hotel St Michael’s in Falmouth, it was too good to last. The first of the minute of my fifteen-year journey next at RICS headquarters, followed by new combined National and Counties around the nicest parts of England, Chichester and York where we shared the Branch meetings was at Harrogate in the Wales and Scotland. hotel with the Australian Rugby League spring of 1997 followed by meetings at team. The minutes allege that I presented Shaftesbury, Chester, Mortonhampsted, Along the way, of course, some serious a paper on property management but I Troon, Salisbury and more. The business has been done and I have don’t remember anything about it. successors of CLAVA needed stamina. always found that meetings are very time consuming, stressful and need a At about this time, early 1990, Henry Form me this fascinating journey hit high level of intellectual input. Cave of Powys, the penultimate County the buffers shortly after the Counties Land Agent and Valuer, made the very Branch met at Bury St Edmunds as But then again, if you believe that you’ll good point that as more than one part of the superlatively organised believe anything. county was involved in the branch it and very well received Suffolk 2000 ought to be called the Counties Branch National Conference and my, by now, rather than the County Branch. Why had somewhat tenuous link with CLAVA, via nobody thought of this before? the Counties Branch, came to an end at

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 13, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2008

Secret nuclear bunker the utilities inputs, eg water and gas duration. We had a practice down mains, and soil pipe outputs went there now and again. It was always The highlight of Jim’s (Ross) Basildon through the basement affixed to the a hideously claustrophobic and Conference social schedule was a visit ceiling. Imagine what the outcome of a depressing experience to be cooped up, to the secret nuclear bunker. What nuclear strike within a 100-mile radius even for a few hours, with other local words to conjure with! I didn’t go to would have been and the effect on the government officers and representatives see this cold war relic but off hand I occupants. of the uniformed and/or armed services. would imagine it took hundreds of The latter were always identical young tons of steel and thousands of cubic On the other hand an innocuous “oil men in their thirties all with short yards of concrete to build and so, even terminal” with road and rail connections haircuts and kitted out in blazer and though it was underground, it must was “secret.” In 60s parlance “secret” flannels and shiny black shoes. They all have been awfully difficult to keep it meant, “known only to the Russians”. It spoke the same, knew each other and a secret. Perhaps a lot of service men was the focus of a top-secret network were completely interchangeable. Only walked around shaking small quantities of underground aviation fuel pipelines the fire service stood out as resembling of ready mixed concrete down their serving all nearby airbases and only ordinary human beings. trouser legs, as in the Great Escape, in came to light when affected by a road order to put everyone of the scent. improvement scheme. It soon became clear that the civil defence role to be practised was based Suffolk’s nuclear bunker was not so A few years ago, in the event of the on the assumption that the nearest secret. It was in the basement of a balloon going up or in this case the nuclear explosion had taken place hideous 60s Courts/office complex. nuclear missiles raining down, it was more than 100 miles away, a fanciful There was a serious design defect. All my duty to go to the bunker for the assumption as there were about half a

58 THE SCRIBBLER dozen active operational air bases, British Controller but the liaison men always explanation of the problem. and American, within about 20 miles. had options to suggest. On reflection the scenario was to lead the controller Recently The Telegraph published a At one of the early sessions a young on very small step by very small step to large photograph of John Bird and John army officer explained my role to me in the final big one. The messages came in Fortune together with the following clipped terms. relentlessly. simple explanation in large typeface under the heading “Super-finance He said, “Estates?” “Yes.” “Given our “We’re having difficulty in holding according to Bird and Fortune.” You scenario it is probable that thousands the line.” can almost hear John Bird speaking the of refugees will leave the fringes of the words. devastated areas looking for safety. “There are another 25,000 coming up It is your role to billet them in the just behind. All are starving many are “Imagine, if you can, an unemployed undamaged houses in this area.” “How seriously injured.” black man sitting on a crumbling porch will I do that?” “You and your staff will somewhere in Alabama in his string vest knock on people’s doors and tell the “They have been pillaging as they come and a chap comes along and says would occupants that under the emergency up the A12 and treating very badly you like to buy this house before it falls powers invested in you that they have anyone who gets in their way.” down and why don’t you let me lend to take in say six refugees.” “Will we be you the money? accompanied by armed soldiers?” “No “There are a number of known need for that.” “Will we be issued with troublemakers and many may be armed.” Then this mortgage is bought by a sub machine guns?” “No.” “Then we will bank and packaged together on Wall be wasting our time.” “They are beginning to outflank the Street with a lot of other similar debts. roadblock and are organising a massed Somehow this package of dodgy At this point I think my card was marked rush of our troops with armed people debts stops being a package of dodgy possibly as a communist and potential firing from the shelter of the crowd.” debts and starts being what we call a fifth columnist. structured investment vehicle. “We are beginning to take casualties My come-uppance was delivered at and are in imminent danger of being I buy it and then I will ring up somebody the next practice session where we had overwhelmed.” in Tokyo and say look I’ve got this a new “scenario” and “role play.” I was package do you want to but it? And sat in the Controller’s chair and so was We moved carefully to the required they say what’s in it? And I say I haven’t in effect the supreme decision-maker conclusion. got the faintest idea and they say how authority for the emergency. The new much do you want for it? And I say a scenario was that a number of big “What are your orders Controller?” said hundred million dollars and the say fine nuclear missiles had hit London and one of the identical young men. and that’s it. Essex and Suffolk had already absorbed thousands of refugees from the fringes “What are the options?” That’s the market.” of the devastated area. The latest news was that 50,000 starving and ill “There are none now other than to open British Rail refugees were walking up the A12 from fire; will you give the order Controller?” London and to accept any more in British Rail is regularly slagged off at Suffolk would lead to a breakdown in “ Yes.” ACES Conferences as being very tardy law and order and general starvation. in concluding arrangements. It’s time The practiced plan has swung into “What?” someone spoke up in defence; but action. This was to deploy armed first, let’s get the British Rail joke out of service personnel and hold these “Open fire.” the way. refugees at the Suffolk border. End of role-play. That was the required “Before I began to work for British In the role play the role of the outcome. The identical young men from Railways, as it was then known, I had aforementioned identical young men the various services looked at me with some very minor business to transact from the various services was to pass on slightly raised eyebrows and the ghost with my opposite number, the railway received radio messages from units out of a smile. I never went again. surveyor, about a very minor land issue in the field and to extract decisions from at an out of the way rural railway station. the civilian controller. They were very, Credit Crunch I thought we could have settled the very good. issue over the phone but my railway The acres of news-space on the current surveyor opposite number thought a Over quite a period of time ever more financial crisis surpassing even that site meeting was necessary. “We’ll come alarming messages were coming in devoted to the latest episode of the by train,” he said, and will arrive at the at more and more frequent intervals. Newcastle Pantomime. Among those station at 10.35.” At 10.35 I was on the Decisions were demanded from the acres I have only seen one cogent platform and the train drew to a halt. I 59 THE SCRIBBLER expected the surveyor and possibly surveying issues required extensive same category as a van, or a small lorry, a junior to get off but a vast throng paperwork that hence carried an in-built or a coach. spilled out onto the platform. Panic! penalty of delay. For example there Will I miss them in the crowd but there were about 13 autonomous operational Even so I knew it was the right decision he was waving. “I thought I might departments each of which had to be as travelling down the M6 news reports miss you with all these people about consulted and agree that an area of land were coming through about a large- and ruin the meeting,” I explained. He was surplus to operational requirements. scale breakdown of law and order in looked round expansively. “This is the This process could take a long time. Then Birmingham due to the reopening of an meeting,” he explained.” each had to sign the same Declaration electrical goods superstore. Apparently Form, a pro forma piece of paper the enticement of 10% off play stations BR was into health and safety long confirming that the land was surplus has caused massive civil disorder leading before the issue hit the rest of the world. ie all 13 had to sign the same piece of to mass brawling and a complete One of the worst crimes an employee paper. This could take even longer. If a blocking of the M6 as punters unable to could commit was to delay or endanger department didn’t want to sign or lost the access the car parks were abandoning traffic. This was treated very seriously. form the whole process had to start again. their vehicles and running, panic For example putting a pipe or cable stricken, to the aforesaid superstore. under the railway had to be dealt with Internal office procedures were similarly very carefully and as part of the Railway complex and time consuming. The This news softened, somewhat, the Estates Team I soon gained a lot of process of getting matters approved anticipated blow of the £9 toll as I began experience in this. or signed was as follows. The file with my glorious, peaceful, and unstressed a typed report pinned to the front way along this new road. The new Agreeing the easement was easy but describing what was wanted had to road with its smooth clean surface and doing the work was more problematic be sent up the chain of command and very little traffic made it feel just like and here I came across a real character. down again. This was done by pinning travelling along a French Autoroute. He was a genuine Eastender and a clean sheet of lined foolscap over Perhaps the operator ought to market controlled all the engineering aspects the typed report and writing on that it a “Le French Experience” to increase of pipes or cables crossing the railway. I the name of your manager and say the traffic and tolls? Strangely there was an don’t think he was an engineer nor highly words “Licence to Assign for signature access to Services after a few miles, an placed organisationally but he knew please” with your name and the date. opportunity for a quality continental all there was to know about his subject This package was then placed in your dining experience surely. and had supreme and unchallengeable own out tray to be conveyed to the authority over all engineering aspects. addressee by the Office Messenger After an all too short pleasurable driving The people I negotiated easements with Service. The manager would inscribe experience reality began to intrude as went very pale when I told them who a similar message with his name and the real M6 hove into view on the left would be involved. date and send it on to his manager, and for about a mile 3 lanes of heavy and so on. There were about 6 links in traffic could be seen hammering along He always demanded a “site meeting” to the chain. On a famous occasion I sent to an eventual “Motorways Merge” mark the handover from surveying to along a Licence to Assign which got to situation. Such was the seductive engineering. In addition to an intimate the top whereupon the actual signatory quality of the M6 Toll experience I felt knowledge of his railway empire he had asked, “should this not be signed over a like shouting “No! Don’t let them back. an extensive knowledge of the best sixpenny stamp” and sent it back down We’ve gone private – and we like it.” and most appropriate dining facilities the chain again with a lot of “Should convenient to any railway location and its?” as it came back step by step. I so we inevitably met the “Grantee”, their wrote “No” and sent it back up the chain surveyor and their works contractor for again. It was then signed and eventually lunch at the best hotel nearest the site returned to me. “just in case we need to have a look at the location”. The venue was subject to I am sure procedures have improved my colleague’s approval; the event was substantially since those days. at the expense of the Grantee. Going private If the occasion went well the work on site proceeded smoothly. Or vice Travelling back from the North West versa. He could facilitate access to a few days ago, on a weekday, I had the track or restrict it to say a 2-hour resolved to try the M6 TOLL even though “possession” at 2am on a Sunday I knew it would cost me an arm and morning or deny it altogether and a leg. In the event it cost me an arm there was no right of appeal. and two legs as a small motorcaravan with one person is classified, under the Nothing tardy there then but other operator’s “Fair Pricing” policy, in the

60 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 13, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2008/9

The captain goes down “Stowmarket,” I replied. “In that case “We didn’t think you were going to make with his ship you’re in luck. There’s a diesel unit in the it,” they said as I stood there trying to bay platform and the driver lives at Bury prise my Wellingtons off. Unfortunately As a relatively new chief officer I took St Edmunds and he’s hoping to take it I got cramp as one was half off and I the view that I had to be one of the first there. Better hurry as he will be away as collapsed on the door mat screaming in in the office and one of the last to leave. soon as he gets the signal.” agony just like some overweight middle And if there was something nasty to do aged executive who had over-exerted then I would not ask a member of staff I duly hurried and there was indeed himself in the snow would, while having to do it if I was not prepared to do it. a diesel unit in the bay with lights a major heart attack. on, engine running and a few hardy It was my second winter in office and passengers on board. There were How they all laughed. heavy snow was forecast. I took the a couple of railwaymen in earnest precaution of taking the train from conversation near the semaphore signal The Whitsuntide Suit Stowmarket as in those pre-Ipswich that controlled train access in and out of By Pass days Felixstowe-bound lorries the platform. In the 40s and 50s the years rolled by could not manage the hills on the inner with regular seasonal similarity. There bypass and within a few hours were “Are we ready to go?” I asked. “Well,” said were fewer distractions; there were no jammed across all radial routes making the driver, “I’m getting the “right-a-way” fresh strawberries at Christmas. it impossible for any traffic to get into but the signal’s not registering contact or out of the town. Car commuters were because of the snow so I can’t get the For example there would be snow then faced with hours of delay and a green lights to cross the main line. We’re before Christmas and then we all sang probable 2-mile trek through the snow stuck.” “There’s only one thing for it,” said carols and heard the Christmas Story to finally reach the office. the guard, a man who looked as though all over again. The festive dinner could, he had been around for some time, possibly, be something exotic like roast It was easier to walk in from Ipswich and he walked up to the recalcitrant pork with seasonal vegetables and train station. signal, the only remaining semaphore Christmas pudding. Presents would in the whole station, and jumped up comprise an orange, some Brazil nuts The forecasters were correct and by and swung on it with both arms, Bruce and walnuts, shiny pennies and a share mid morning heavy snow began to fall. Grobelaar fashion. in a Cadbury’s Selection Box. There was There was little wind and an even depth snow and football until Easter followed of snow began to build up rapidly. Just This generated the correct electrical by no snow and cricket until autumn. before lunch I began to wander round contact and a string of green lights At Easter we sang, “There is a green the office suggesting that anyone with suddenly appeared marking our route hill faraway” and other Easter hymns a difficult journey ought to leave now. out of the station. “Let’s go before they at Sunday School and heard the Easter Not everyone disappeared instantly change their mind,” said the driver as we Story all over again. but by 2 o’clock I went round the office all piled aboard. round ordering the remaining staff to Easter was a landmark because after leave at once. The journey to Stowmarket was it was over it was time to buy the uneventful and as we pulled into the Whitsuntide Suit. I felt I had to be the last out so didn’t get station it looked just like a scene from Dr away until about three. Zhivago and I half expected Omar Sharif In those days the Sunday Suit was only to appear any minute. Home at last, well worn, as it happens, on Sunday. The Walking across to the station was a real nearly. I gave my thanks to the driver Whitsuntide Suit, worn for the first pleasure in the snow. There was little and stepped off into about 6 inches time on Whit Sunday, then became the traffic and I assumed everybody had of snow. I could hear road traffic was Sunday Suit and the Old Sunday Suit already gone. When I got to the station moving, albeit slowly, and I calculated I became merely ordinary clothing to be I asked the man on the ticket barrier would be home in 10 minutes. worn at school, unless school uniform whether the trains from London were was prescribed, holidays, or for going running OK. “How do we know?” came On turning into the car park I was out but definitely not for playing in. the reply, “We haven’t seen one since confronted by about 100 identical The predecessor to the Old Sunday mid-morning.” mounds of snow and the odd bare patch Suit was used for playing in and was where a traveller had recently driven probably much mended or might I must have looked disappointed away. It took 20 minutes to find my car have been handed down by an older as I began to think this meant the and before too long I was opening my brother. Of course “Leisure Wear” had Captain was really going down with own front door and being greeted by not yet been invented. his ship so he asked where I was going. the wife and 2 kids. 61 THE SCRIBBLER The Sunday Suit might be seen, in funded Sunday Suit so make the most The disciplinary hearing retrospect, as a needless, and scarcely of it! used, extravagance for those far off I watched the film “I’m All Right Jack” hard-pressed days, but not so. On We were greeted by a Captain Peacock the other day. That’s the one where Fred Sunday there was the morning Sunday look-alike who conducted us along the Kite, the factory shop steward, is played School and a shorter afternoon Sunday floor and handed us over to the spitting by Peter Sellers. When it got to the point School followed by “The Sunday Walk;” image of Mr Grainger complete with where Fred Kite is asked by the factory all with suit. The Walk was a year round tape worn round the neck like a doctor’s owner to agree to the dismissal of a “nice day” ritual. As a minimum it stethoscope. useless employee he replies, “I’m sorry sir required the wearing of the Sunday but we cannot accept incompetence as Suit, polished shoes, which father would “What’s the little chap want?” asked Mr a ground for dismissal.” see to, well brushed hair, mother’s task, Grainger of my father. “A new Sunday and of course caps would be worn. It Suit,” said my father, “and he’s to choose.” Many years ago, when I was Deputy was no rural leisure ramble but a 2 to Chief Officer, the Chief pursued 3-hour walk, staying together, down Mr G then riffled through his swatches disciplinary proceedings against a lanes and across well-worn field paths of samples pointing out nice greys or member of staff accused of falsifying with the essential objective of staying subdued checks. Not for me though a travel claim and professional clean and not damaging the Sunday I thought selecting the most electric incompetence. I had not been involved Suit. If we were lucky on the way back blue material he had. “Are we sure this is but when there was to be an Appeal the father would stop off at the off-licence right?” he asked of my father. “It’s up to Chief asked me to attend and “watch his and buy a bottle of lemonade and him.” Came the firm reply. back”. I didn’t know what he meant. packets of crisps. We had to wait outside, as children were not allowed to enter We then moved on to the pattern book The Chairman of the Personnel such dens of iniquity. Other than that and Mr Grainger tried to guide me into Committee chaired the Appeal and the the Sunday Suit was kept “for best” and a nice 2 button single breasted or, just Union Branch Secretary represented could possibly be worn on non-Sunday possibly, the slightly more racy 3 button the appellant member of staff. The important occasions such as the funeral single breasted. He steeled himself for Personnel Officer and the Chief or marriage of a very close relative. fear I would ask for a double-breasted represented Management – or so I jacket, but I didn’t. “I’d like a single thought. So after Easter the Whitsuntide Suit button style please.” “Are we sure this is had to be purchased and this required right?” he asked of my father. “It’s up to In the event the only person to be a trip to the nearest town where you him.” Came the firm reply. asked questions was the Chief and it could find a “Children’s Outfitters” seemed to me that the Chairman, the that specialised in ready-made suits He then took a few measurements now Branch Secretary and the Personnel for children. If it was still presentable fearing the worst. Officer all felt they were representing the Old Sunday Suit could be worn. If the Appellant. The tone was set by the not the Sunday Suit was pressed into “How long for the jacket?” I pointed firmly opening remarks of the Chairman, which service as it was not done to enter the to knee length and he again appealed was, “Well he paid the money back, so “Children’s Outfitters” looking scruffy. to my father and got the same response. what’s the problem?” This shopping trip, for us three brothers, “And could I have just 2 pockets, either required the presence of both mother side, sort of slanting upwards, not level, After about half an hour of this rubbish and father. Once purchased the suit was and no top pocket?” He wrote all this the Appeal was upheld and the member put away until Whitsuntide Sunday. down with gritted teeth. of staff was reinstated. On the way out I quietly asked the Personnel Officer This ritual was strictly observed for Mr Grainger now took a few more what was going on. In true Fred Kite the Sunday Suit with short trousers. measurements for the trousers. “Zip style he replied, “Look, we cannot accept When long trousers came in, at the or button fly?” he asked. “Zip, please,” I dishonesty and incompetence as a age of 12, 13 or thereabouts, it became replied confidently. He almost crossed ground for dismissing a professional increasingly difficult for parents to hold himself and made one last desperate officer. After all where would it end? We the line. I think I was a year at grammar plea to my father but again without would all be vulnerable.” school before I progressed to a long success. He then stood there trying to trouser Sunday Suit then at the age of get out his last question and knowing A bridge too far 14 or 15 came an important right of what was coming. After doing an passage. My father took me, alone, to excellent impression of a goldfish for a I sometimes wonder why the Montague Burton’s to order my first minute or two he managed to say, “Turn- BBC ruins some quite reasonable made-to-measure “Sunday Suit”. ups?” “No thanks.” “Width at the bottom programmes through erroneous of the leg?” “14 inches please.” corporate decision-making. He made it clear before we went in that I could have whatever styling I wanted “It’ll be ready in 3 weeks,” he said as he Having spent some time trying to work but this was to be my last parentally went off to lie down. out why Louis Armstrong was repeatedly

62 THE SCRIBBLER referred to as “The King of Swing” I But the Corporation went one step too salary of £25,000 per year, “Half a million eventually realised the broadcast was far in the following introduction to one pounds a year in today’s terms” and to part of a BBC2 “strand” called “Swing.” of the programmes. “The notorious say, “Of course he didn’t close his own Clearly no one involved in dreaming Beeching Report of 1963 led to the station of East Grinstead down but he that up had any idea of what the music closure of a third of Britain’s railway closed down the east and west routes known as “Swing” was, or what the jazz lines and stations compelling tens of from that station which he, of course expression “swing” means or indeed who thousands of the population to travel didn’t use.” In the actual programmes Satchmo was. by road.” And went on to refer to the little evidence was forthcoming about “halcyon days of travel by rail”. What a “the hated figure”, indeed most personal Similarly I did watch, as a former railway load of overblown rubbish. Even the reminiscences referred to him as quite man, some of the BBC2 “strand” on programme makers and presenters could a nice old cove but a little distant. And railways in the Beeching era. To tie not find any evidence for any of that. the number of passengers using the east the whole thing together the BBC has and west routes from East Grinstead was obviously made a corporate decision Unfortunately, for the railways, the about 35 per day. that not only was the Beeching Report aforesaid tens of thousands, and many, wrong but the closure of many beloved many more had already decided to The best quote came from a little old branch lines was solely the personal avoid the railways, as they were now lady in Scotland who had organised an responsibility of Dr. Richard Beeching. able to buy their own car. Those people unsuccessful campaign to save her local Interestingly the BBC kindly absolved knew all about the “halcyon days of line. As she nostalgically viewed old Ernest Marples, the then government,, travel by rail” and desperately wanted to footage of the last train and the thousands and the many millions of taxpayers that have their own transport. there that day packing the train, the both resented having to prop up the stations and lineside vantage points she railway system financially and never In most of the programmes it seemed wistfully commented that it was a shame ever used the railway anyway, from any necessary to embellish the hate figure that most of them couldn’t be bothered to responsibility whatsoever. of Beeching with a reference to his use the train while we had it.

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 14, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2009

On yer bike Radio days The accumulator had to be replenished fairly frequently though the high- For me the new season really begins Up to the age of 12 or so I lived in a tension battery was always good for with the classic Paris-Roubaix race; house without electricity. This made another evening or two if it was popped known as “The Hell of the North.” radio listening difficult but there were in the oven for an hour or so. This This year the 107th staging of the ways around it. procedure was not recommended for 259.5km event took place on Easter the accumulator. Day. The commentator said it was not The first radio I remember was in a staged neither during World War I, big veneered wooden cabinet with a Dealing with the accumulator was the understandably, nor from 1939 but fretwork façade backed with cloth to job of my elder brother Peter and I resumed again in 1943, which I find very keep the dust out of the works. The aged six and four respectively. First an hard to believe. The marauding Typhoon cabinet was full of thermionic radio adult disconnected the device from the fighters that had a free rein over Europe valves that contain spiral electric radio. Together we carried it to a radio/ in 1944 and 1945 would have made a filaments that glowed when the power hardware shop called Bagshaws where real mess of the peloton. was on; just like electric light bulbs, it was charged up, a process that took a which, so far as we were concerned, had day or two. “And don’t forget to ask for Usually the race is run into the teeth not yet been invented. a loan!” was the instruction that always of northerly gale force winds with at followed us down the road. The “loan” least torrential rain and a temperature This contraption power needed two was a lighter and altogether more flimsy hovering just above freezing point sources of power to drive the valves, a accumulator than the real thing but making the long twisty runs on high-tension battery about the size of much easier to carry. As neither social narrow cobblestoned lanes extremely a biscuits tin and a low-tension power services nor health and safety had yet treacherous. This year the weather was source called an accumulator. This been invented the process of using small positively benign with just a gentle was a bit like a totally transparent old boys to carry glass containers of acid breeze but no sun. Some spectators type car battery but with a stout metal was unremarked upon. were stood around in shirtsleeves! It carrying handle. Essentially it was a was an exciting race and finish with the glass container full of acid that could In the early 50s we experienced a great usual quota of spills on the cobbles. be charged up via the terminal and leap forward. A firm called RadioElect Hopefully this was the start of an connected to the radio similarly. arrived and the whole village was wired exciting new season. up to premises that received radio 63 THE SCRIBBLER signals and distributed them by wire. the organisation as arranger/composer. a white sport coat with green cavalry Cable? Eat your heart out. And electricity Before travelling up to New York he twill trousers. Do you remember Terry was still not needed. Inside the house asked Duke for directions once he Dene’s record “A White Sport Coat (and there was just a speaker with 2 knobs; reached the Big Apple. “Oh, Take The a Pink Carnation)?” It got to number 18 one for on/off and one to switch A-Train,” he was told. in mid 1957 and was in the charts for 6 between the Light Programme and the weeks. That gave me the idea but I never Home Service. Then followed a lifetime of productive did try the pink carnation; I don’t think collaboration, Billy conducted the band I would have got out of the Dinnington In those days the radio was the centre and filled up “The Band Book” with his Miners Welfare Concert Room alive! In point of family home entertainment. compositions and arrangements. any event there was an accident first It was only later that it became a time out. It was in the Ivanhoe, Thurcroft minority interest ie “I’d sit alone and Johnny Dankworth’s son, Alec, and halfway down my first pint of watch your light; my only friend performing in Bury St Edmunds, had a Stones Bitter I thought I would light up through teenage nights.” story about the legendary, voluminous, a cigarette. On striking the match with and comprehensive Duke Ellington a flourish the head departed from the What did we listen to? There was Dick Book. The Ellington Orchestra is still stick at about the same time it caught Barton Special Agent, later on superseded, functioning long after the founder’s fire. This fell into my lap burning a small but never replaced, by The Archers. And death and remains faithful to the but very noticeable hole in the groin Mrs Dale’s Diary, “I’m a little worried about original compositions and arrangements area of the new trousers. Jim,” Friday Night is Music Night and contained in The Book. Workers Playtime. There were plays that The outfit then superseded the lasted 90 minutes and every Saturday the Alec is a good bass player and some subterranean Teddy Boy suit. BBC “Stopped the mighty roar of London’s years ago joined the Orchestra but traffic” for In Town Tonight. after a series of travelling mishaps he My final attempt was to order a made- only caught up with the band a couple to-measure 3-piece suit in a loud virulent And then in 1953 we moved to a house of hours before his first performance. green bookmakers’ check. I wore it only with electricity and hot water and a He was welcomed and issued with once. The cloth had the consistency of bathroom. The previous owner had left the legendary Book, now even more wire wool and the trousers were too behind for us a big round wireless in voluminous and comprehensive and tight a fit under the armpits for comfort. early brown Bakelite with a cracked case was fearful of the band’s reputation for It went straight down the pit. held together with yellowing sticky tape. accurate reproduction of the original This was in the living room but was soon sound. At this point my father made it clear to upstaged by a television set that took me that any further cast-offs would have pride of place in the front room. “Look,” he said, “I can’t play; I won’t be to be declined as he was beginning to able to familiarise myself with any of the lose all authority at work. It was at this stage that radio became Book in time!” “Don’t worry,” he was told, a minority interest and many solitary “Just busk it.” Farewells hours were spent searching for Radio Luxembourg and The Voice of America. More Whitsuntide Suits In my time I must have delivered quite Luxembourg always faded away when a few farewells to departing colleagues a good record was played but I can still In truth I never had the opportunity to and always tried to strike a positive remember all the words of “We are the get the wear out on the Teddy Boy suit note, even when this was difficult, and Ovalteenies” and whenever I travel from and eventually passed it on to my father whether the leaving was voluntary or Bristol to Bath I don’t need to read the who, at that time, was a “Deputy” at the otherwise. Only once did I accept a few station sign to know that Keynsham is local mine. A deputy was an “overman” pages of notes put together by someone spelt K,E,Y,N…S,H,A,M. responsible for all safety and production else. This was on the retirement of Tony matters in a defined area underground. Kirk, Head Hall Keeper, who I didn’t The VOA was the only station then that The job was hard on clothing and as the know well and who had been looked played Jazz and many happy hours Board had not yet taken to issuing staff after mainly by my number two. were spent listening to the VOA Jazz with orange “Guantanamo” overalls most Hour with its distinctive signature tune men made do with whatever came to The notes were extensive, obviously “Take the A Train” as played by the Duke hand. Hence my suit was acceptable. well researched, and, I had to assume, Ellington Orchestra. As that tune came Looming out of the darkness he must accurate. As this was the first time I used bustling through the interference you have cut a strange figure with hob- someone else’s words I did read the knew you were home and dry. nailed boots, safety helmet, Deputy’s stuff through a couple of times before safety lamp and stick, and electric blue the day but remained a little mystified It was only recently that I heard of the Teddy Boy suit. by some of the comments though they origins of that tune. In his early band were clearly meant to be humorous. leading days Duke met Billy Strayhorn That was my last Whitsuntide Suit, now Unfortunately I didn’t have time to check in Philadelphia and was invited to join I was one my own. So next I went for out what they all meant.

64 THE SCRIBBLER Come the day I plodded through the no,” I thought, “that’s is a split infinitive Raleigh out in America with those notes and was pleased to read that and I missed it”, but then the penny immortal words, “Hi there Walt baby.” In Tony would be achieving his lifetime’s dropped, and I couldn’t do any more his Retirement Party piece he takes the ambition of retiring to live in a narrow for laughing. The heavy references to part of a long-serving employee, slightly boat, already acquired and stationed, on Captain Kirk and his ship The Enterprise the worse for drink, who is retiring and a canal, somewhere in the Midlands. He had at last got through. responding to the oleaginous clap couldn’t wait. Somewhat mysteriously trap just spouted by the owner of the he had decided to call the narrow boat Needless to say when my time came company. He started off with, “Thank “The Enterprise” and after a lifetime of I refused to countenance any sort of you for those kind words and comments being ordered about he had decided he retirement presentation even though I about me and my service with your would be the Captain. Why am I saying had, for a long time, carried with me a company. While listening to them there all this, I wondered, but it seemed to be draft of my speech of response. was just one thought constantly running going down well. through my mind - I think I’m going to This was based on Bob Newhart’s “The throw up.” I then heard myself saying that Tony Retirement Party”. Some of you may would take time to explore the seldom- remember Bob did “Introducing Tobacco A good start you must agree. Perhaps it’s visited parts of the canal network or as to Civilisation” which became very just as well, for me that the opportunity the words I was reading put it “To boldly popular in the late 60s and began his never arose. One day, perhaps……. go where no man has gone before.” “On imaginary telephone call to Sir Walter

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 14, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2009

More on The Manor House The £1 well-being bid was evaluated whispering campaign began. and found wanting by the independent This suggested that the sale was A decade ago when Betty and I were Panel. As the minimum threshold of 25 unsatisfactory. This was even though advocating the benefits of partnership points was not reached the positioning the price achieved was more than twice to an unheeding profession we felt of the score against the highest bid did the “market value” of an expensive “west ourselves lucky indeed to have a paper not come into play. end” valuation commissioned for the published in the Chartered Firelighter. In tender evaluation process! Apparently the event the paper was edited to fit the After evaluation the successful bidder the problem was that the property had available space seemingly by holding a was notified on the morning of the not been advertised appropriately. printout up against the space available appointed day and asked to transfer and cutting off the overlap with scissors. 10% into the council’s account by BACS There was no full-page ad in Country Life!” Well, it’s happened again! So for those – and before noon. This worked well but who read that far and are anxious to the bank found it difficult to tell us we Exciting stuff eh? read the conclusion – both of you – the had received the money. final paragraphs and the outcome are Mr Grumpy set out below. The end? On my way back from Scotland the other You will remember that you were Completion of the transaction was week I broke my journey in Durham – struggling to stay awake but were nearly unremarkable and I met the owners on among other places. This was to be my through an explanation of the Well- site to hand over the keys. Members last stop before the final leg home. The Being assessment process. Now read on. were mildly appreciative of a job well Caravan Club Handbook suggested the done. Frankly we had just about had site was “within easy reach of the City of “To rule out potential bias, and playing enough of the whole saga. Durham with walks from the site into the safe again, the evaluation of well-being city.” For reasons I might go into another bids was to be undertaken separately One positive thing to emerge from the time I thought I could reach the site by by a third party of unimpeachable sale was the process of assessing and 2pm then have a nice little stroll and an character. A local head-teacher and a measuring well-being. With government’s afternoon in the city. Perfect! member of the Chamber of Commerce increasing interest in community were invited to sit on a Panel, with the management and ownership of assets I did arrive just before 2, checked in, Corporate Director of Community.” we now had in place the framework for parked, plugged in the electrics then effective options appraisal. asked about the walk into Durham. The tender evaluation “The walk is about 3 miles, across Not quite the end country, and will take about 1½ hours.” At noon on 31 January 2007 there were 5 Not the impression given to me by the envelopes to be opened and offers ranged But that was not quite the end. Handbook entry but no doubt a clever from £1 (yes one pound) to £1.4million. Almost 12 months on an anonymous solicitor could defend the Caravan 65 THE SCRIBBLER Club’s position with ease. “1½ hours,” I I put down his grumpiness to the problems. Accordingly management responded in a voice an octave above probability that he came from responsibilities had just been handed to normal. To be fair the site, off the A690, Sunderland, the destination of the bus, me along with the question “Well, what was close to an A1 (M) junction and but I found his Suffolk counterpart a are you going to do about the aforesaid Park and Ride facility and I was advised week later. I had to go to Ipswich and problems?” to just park there and use the bus. And, parked at the Norwich Road P&R, a as they added “I’m sure you’ll have your facility I have used for some time now. Also, just outside my window, and bus pass with you so it won’t cost you The driver was already in his seat and across the street was a large advertising anything.” Cheek. sitting comfortably behind his armoured hoarding. I had a good view of it; in glass screen and looking through his fact it was the best bit of my view. I walked; armed only with an A4 sheet windscreen. There was no movement But Ipswich Borough Council didn’t of instructions. The route was along the when I showed my pass so I repeated like hoardings and was ruthlessly edge of 2 fields, then across another one the manoeuvre then realised he was eliminating them except, or so it to reach the river, down a precipitous pointing at his ticket machine and the appeared to us, where they got the slope of about 50 yards to reach the ticket already issued. He refused to look rent. Fortunately this hoarding had a riverbank then along the river (Wear) my way. Mr Grumpy II! permanent consent and so was safe. I to reach the City. The walk did take the found it interesting watching the poster best part of nearly 2 hours and I have What is their problem? I know, from being changed. in mind suggesting to the SAS that casual observation that 9 out of 10 winter manoeuvres on Dartmoor could passengers have a bus pass but, The current poster was the little realistically be dropped in favour of presumably, the free trips aren’t taken American boy with dungarees, sideways doing this walk in May. out of the drivers’ wages. So they have baseball cap, and catapult in his back it made. Their customers have every pocket offering his tin of Quality Street I had a pleasant sojourn in Durham incentive to continue using the service to a coy little American girl in gingham then opted for the easy option on the irrespective of any economic downturn. dress and hair in bunches. He is holding A4 sheet, “If you wish to return by bus the tin out towards her with his right take the X20 (Sunderland) and ask for The hoarding hand whilst his left hand, hidden behind the Ford Garage in Carville High Street.” his back, is clutching a big bunch of Enter Mr Grumpy. For many years my work office was sweeties. located in a “new” building on the I found the bus station, and the X20, and periphery of the County Hall site. The The captions read, “Made for sharing - was just going through then gate when other end of the site was just off the Except for the big purple ones.” the driver closed the door and began to secondary edge of the town centre reverse. He then saw me and to give him retail area and our end of the site was a In my imagination I could see the his due, with a huge sigh, he slammed secondary terraced edge of town centre Chief Executive holding out a big on the brakes. Everybody on the bus was housing location. tin towards me contain bundles thrown backwards over the seat except labelled “FM responsibilities” and “Car for the babies parked in their prams From where I sat I could see quite clearly parking responsibilities” and “Gypsy facing the engine who doubled up over the little American boy with dungarees, responsibilities” etc while his other hand, their safety straps. I boarded the bus and sideways baseball cap, and catapult in concealed behind his back is holding big noticed another OAP snuck on behind his back pocket. sweeties labelled “Resources”. me and slinked along to a spare seat. I showed the driver my pass and with My ground floor office widows But the hoarding had other uses. I another huge sigh he rolled his eyes and overlooked a road across which was a arrived in the office one morning to jabbed his ticket machine causing about large open car parking area and then the see a small group of what appeared to a 2-foot length of free tickets to emerge. backs of the aforesaid terraced houses. be yobs hanging around the hoarding. I could see the backs of these terraces, From time to time one or two more “I wonder,” I asked diffidently, “if you the car park and the little American boy appeared and joined them. They were all could let me know when we reach the as well as a coy little American girl in a casually dressed; most wore shades and Ford Garage in Carville High Street.” gingham dress and hair in bunches. Also, baseball caps and carried cups of coffee “If I can remember,” he replied, end of from time to time, local residents walked in polystyrene cups. I was tempted to go conversation. I took this to mean no. by the windows, almost close enough across and tell them to bugger off. What is it with these people? to touch, a salutary reminder about who we really worked for. Eventually there was a lot of consulting As it was I spent quite a lengthy journey watches and as they were obviously craning round trying to spot the aforesaid The car park was owned by the council off to do something exciting most Ford Garage in Carville High Street and I and was extensive, ungated and disappeared behind the hoarding for a did manage to see it in time and get off used, unofficially, by any Tom Dick minute or two before forming up, and the bus with profuse, yet slightly ironic, or Harry, as well as council staff. This running across the car park into the back thanks for the still mute driver. caused, as you might imagine severe of one of the houses. A drugs bust!

66 THE SCRIBBLER However the car parks were becoming At this time there was no Property afterwards in the way that any more untenable without any form of Committee and instead a Property Panel disagreement with the planners tended control. So I arranged for fencing and a (of members) met regularly in my office, to do. But they didn’t because the number of automatic barriers to keep to my timetable in order to discuss new car park barriers had delivered a out interlopers. The Planners carefully property matters. I prepared the agenda, tremendous weapon into my hands. watched the succession of committee papers and minutes. papers this entailed and waited until a By modern standards the barrier system contract for installing the barriers had I drafted the paper and consulted widely was quite antique. Each authorised been let before telling me that a change to ensure everyone was happy that I was user had an electronic card that had to from land used for free-for-all car giving members the full story. They were. be inserted into a slot at the barrier. A parking to a controlled car park for staff At the meeting, when we got to this paper, mechanism then read the electronic needed planning consent. I gave a brief introduction and waited for number imprinted on the card, checked the discussion. There was none. a central list and if the number was Without getting too up-tight we on the list the barrier opened. If the waited for planning consent. This “Tell them to get stuffed,” was the number was not on the list the barrier was eventually granted but with an Chairman’s only comment. “I can’t remained closed. There was no voice undiscussed and surprising special minute that, Chairman,” I said. “You can communication between the barriers condition that the hoarding must be so far as I am concerned,” was his reply. and some central control office. Stalled taken down, obviously a favour for their I offered to get as close as I could and drivers had either to just go away chums in the Borough. But this caused this was, as far as I can remember wrote or hope a colleague would let them a tremendous fuss mainly because I “The Panel duly considered Paper P765 through, a manoeuvre that was, of refused to accept this condition was and after a detailed discussion and fully course, strictly verboten and easily reasonable. The fences were erected taking into account the circumstances picked up on the CCTV cameras. and the barriers were installed but there and the reported comments of was no way I was going to touch the the County Planning Officer The Naturally there were a few teething hoarding; and said so. Panel agreed that the hoarding in troubles. The central list was complied question should remain in-situ for the and inputted manually. Sometimes This caused a pleasing furore within foreseeable future”. numbers were accidentally deleted thus the Planning Department and many causing a lot of agro for the particular earnest appeals were made to the The aftermath driver. Deletions usually occurred when Chief Executive and senior Members. my man highlighted a particular number Eventually I agreed to take a report, I had expected the arguments about and, on my instruction, jabbed his finger explaining the impasse, to Members. the hoarding to rumble of for months on the “delete” button.

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 14, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2009

Sales: due diligence authorities might be thinking about one occasion. I was becoming tired of buying before sale. walking up and down the stairs. I knew Have you ever completed due diligence every inch of the building. on title and are still left with the feeling Title looked absolutely straightforward. that those slightly worrying couple of The deeds all fitted together precisely. Except one! loose ends might mean something? There were a couple of restrictive covenants but these seemed With the benefit of hindsight I The subject was a major office building understandable and, better still, remembered that twice when inspecting with accommodation on 3 floors built in there was a solicitor’s opinion on file the basement I asked, “What’s that 1937. Original building plans and plans explaining the covenants and giving the in there?” and was told “Oh that’s the of a major 1960s extension were to hand property a clean bill of health titlewise. electricity substation room.” On the with a copy of the planning consent and Even better still title had recently been outside of this space there was an array news reports on both the original build registered and this all checked out with of electricity meters that proved the and the later work. And I had a lot of the other sources of information. point. “Can I look inside?” “No, it’s full of information on all those interesting little dangerous electric equipment, and we details than enliven sales particulars. I knew the building of course but don’t have a key.” nonetheless took the opportunity to There were lots of distractions of inspect the property formally with the That’s all right then. course, for example a major staff move building surveyor who had looked after to free up vacant possession. Would it for many years, then with the head So we went through an expensive the replacement building, under hallkeeper, and then showed round marketing exercise in a very difficult construction, be ready in time? Other the other authorities on more than market only to prove that the formal 67 THE SCRIBBLER tender approach would not work. persuade the purchaser, whose laid back Stage 6 Gerona to Barcelona one rider Belatedly we then adopted our attitude persisted, to take the keys. completed the rest of the stage nursing agent’s advice, rejected about 6 a damaged left arm. An X-ray that months previously and tried “best You need to know how this situation evening confirmed a double fracture of offers”. This did work and we accepted arose – just in case. the arm and so he was unable to restart. quite a reasonable offer. With a sigh of relief instructed solicitors. End of Under the Bury St Edmunds Electric Later a team mate of Lance Armstrong story - not quite! Lighting Order 1897 the Bury St Edmunds rode out the last 3 days of the event Corporation was the “Undertaker” with a suspected collarbone fracture. A few weeks down the line came a authorised to supply electricity in this He refused an X-ray because if this question from the other side’s solicitors. area. In the 1930s, when the corporation confirmed the fracture he would then be “Do you have a copy of the substation was constructing a new office building unable to race. lease?” Even as I was saying “What close to the town centre, what would substation lease?” I could feel the loose be more natural than to take the There is no stopping the event to bring ends falling into place and that empty, opportunity to incorporate a new on the trainer here. If treatment is icy feeling in the pit of the stomach substation to serve the town centre? needed the doctor delivers it leaning out indicating that something is about to hit Shortly after legislation providing for of his car window at about 25 mph. And a fan that is too close for comfort. electricity supply companies to take over there is no need for pantomime blood the supply of electricity was passed. On capsules as all you see is real. It took a little time and a lot of research 8 January 1938 the Corporation entered even to identify the problem. In fact into an agreement with the East Anglian The contribution of there was no substation lease but Electric Supply Company Ltd to transfer Mediaeval industrial the substation room was in fact a live its undertaking and fixed assets. This is a chemistry to the lexicon substation operated by EDF. The exact very detailed agreement written in the of phrases and sayings in legal situation was that the freehold of future tense and anticipating further common usage “the premises,” namely one room in the documentation to actually transfer middle of the basement of this major responsibilities and assets. I suppose that Many well-known phrases and sayings office building was owned by EDF and with the storm clouds gathering over still in use today originate from other than custom and practice nothing Europe it wasn’t easy to concentrate on soldiering eg “another string to the was written down about access, cable the long-term implications and the land bow”, or naval life eg “not enough room rights, repairs to the building etc, etc. transfer document, dated sometime in to swing a cat.” However one well- Oh and the substation fed half the town 1942, disappeared and has never come known and often heard expression centre and not as we thought just the to light. owes its origins to mediaeval industrial office building. chemistry. I am indebted to Adam Hart- How ironic that a legal document Davis for the following details. As it happens everyone was quite laid completed, and then buried, in the year back and neither EDF, nor the purchaser, I was born should lie there undisturbed After Henry VIII divorced Catherine of nor “management” got too upset. for more than 60 years until, in all Aragon the Vatican retaliated by cutting A solution emerged. The purchaser innocence, I wander by and step on it. off supplies of alum thus devastating the wanted a complete freehold. EDF Tudor dyeing Industry. How so? Alum is, would sell the freehold but wanted a Was your authority an electric supply chemically, the double salt ammonium modern lease clarifying its position and company before the war? Are you sure aluminium sulphate. To dye woollen “management” just wanted to complete any transfers were properly recorded? cloth you need a mordant, a chemical the agreed sale. Negotiating the solution Beware the closed room, no matter how with teeth to hold the dye molecules on was down to me. innocent it all looks. to the fibres of the cloth. In its absence the dye washes out easily and colours EDF was prepared to go along with Le Tour 2009 are not “fast”. The mordant in common this and told me that but it always use then was alum. instructed local private sector surveyors The Tour this year was, or seemed to be, to negotiate. I would be hearing from drug free and was the most exciting for The search was on for local supplies. them. At this point my luck changed. many years. Local riders are beginning Then some genius discovered how to When the surveyor’s letter arrived it to feature in the results and I’m already make alum from a grey shale found on was signed by a former colleague of looking forward to 2010. The ever- the north coast of Yorkshire and in the thirty plus years ago and with whom I knowledgeable commentators Phil 17 th century a huge industry grew up had maintained contact ever since. This Ligget and Paul Sherwen enhanced the between Kettleness and Ravenscar and enabled both of us to reach an early live afternoon TV transmissions. Whitby developed into an important settlement without months of playing port. The process was incredibly cards too close to the chest. The sale There seemed to be more accidents complicated. The shale was mined and went through with only one minor hitch. than usual this year and one curious built into giant bonfires with wood It took a month, after completion, to fact emerged. After a big spill on and coal, then roasted slowly for nine

68 THE SCRIBBLER months. The resultant pink ash was dug Don’t thee tha me! I suppose it’s an age thing and my out and washed repeatedly to extract training paid far more attention to the aluminium sulphate and the solution One of the few things that really got status, position and politeness. For was boiled for 24 hours to concentrate it. up my nose in my previous work example as a young teenager taking was the habit of staff to conduct up my first job on the buildings back in [I hope you are making careful notes, as I correspondence on a personal basis Yorkshire I received an instant lesson will be asking questions later.] ie “Dear Fred/Yours sincerely.” This in status, position and politeness. had not been the practice in my The concrete mixer driver, in his early The next stage was to add the ammonia previous employment, on the Railway, twenties I imagine, was explaining my to produce alum, the double salt where, almost without exception, all duties vis-a-vis feeding sand, ballast ammonium aluminium sulphate; correspondence was conducted on and cement into the hopper when, remember? The easiest and most an impersonal basis ie “Dear Sir/Yours just to make polite conversation, I said available source of ammonia was faithfully.” Indeed I believe that the something like, “How long’s tha been decomposing urine and as the industry more traditional sign off “I remain, Sir, working here then?” expanded so did the demand for the your most obedient servant” had only ingredients. So much so that most of the recently been phased out, shortly after He gave me a withering look and with urine had to be shipped in from London nationalisation, when, of course, railway tremendous dignity said, “Don’t thee tha where 25-gallon barrels were left on employees officially ceased to be the me. Tha only thas them that tha thee!” street corners and men were invited to servants of anybody in general and contribute generously. railway travellers in particular. If the accent is not getting through to colleagues in the soft south had he The barrels were transported up to Whenever I challenged staff about known French he could have drawn the north Yorkshire by sailing ship and this, for example, why are you writing parallel of the use of “Tu” and “Vous.” captains, embarrassed by their cargo, in the most friendliest of terms to The strict requirement is that the formal often claimed they were carrying wine, someone who you have only met once “Vous” is used always unless a close but their rivals said, “On no; you’re taking and then just for a few minutes most personal friend or a child relative is the p***.” of which were used to berate your being addressed in which case the more professional competence; I was usually informal “Tu” can be used. The trade ended when the Victorians rewarded with a blank stare of total invented synthetic dyes but the phrase incomprehension. lives on.

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 14, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2009/10

A chartered surveyor? A them and shared their dining facilities. the Highway Code. I thought he was belated episode 2 They didn’t eat much but we made up a goner. Without time to swerve I just for it. In addition we all stayed on in the braked as hard as possible and prayed. Having been introduced to the RICS, office 2 or 3 evenings a week studying at My front tyre came to rest touching “A Chartered Surveyor?” Volume 10 our drawing boards until about 9 o’clock. his highly polished boot and neatly Issue 4 (the one with Betty on the front If you think it’s easy to sit up on a tall pressed black trousers. With a withering cover) the need to take and pass the stool at an old fashioned drawing board look he calmly brushed off the dust and examinations became paramount. until that time let me assure you it isn’t. proceeded with his interrogation. In fact without too much effort it’s easy Given my academic background, failed to drop off to sleep, and drop off, but I The Intermediate exam took place at the BSc (Civ Eng), the chartered surveyor do not recommend it. Mechanics Institute Reading Rooms in exam route looked to be a doddle. My Leeds; a train ride away for we Sheffield starting date at Sheffield was such that Leaving the city late at night was people. It was necessary to attend with I only just had time to get my forms not without its perils. I had bought a a double elephant drawing board and signed and submitted before taking the motorbike, a new Honda, one of the T-square. There were about 300 of us in “First Exam,” without any formal study, first imported into England I would the examination hall, seated at folding but I passed. On to the Intermediate! imagine. It looked the business but desks against which leaned 300 boards the front brake was pathetic. One and T-squares. The exams got under We exam takers soon established a night a police sergeant used me to way. Once the invigilators had stopped routine. We had day release and the demonstrate to his accompanying rushing round saying “Cease smoking” surveying course at Sheffield College cadet how to check the documents of peace reigned - for at least 10 minutes. was taken at an “annexe”, the unused a motorist. At the last minute he just Then the first drawing board went over half of an operational infant’s school in stepped out into the road arm raised and slapped against the wooden floor Attercliffe. We were much bigger than and palm towards me as set out in with a satisfyingly loud crash; followed 69 THE SCRIBBLER at regular intervals by the other 299. It Despite the extreme plausibility of what the ceiling. The creaky, narrow, very was like a war zone in there. we were told I feel sure I was not the hardwearing, floorboards had been only cynic who thought it best to wait disguised with an overlay of thick brown Halfway through the exam the cabaret and see, after all we have all seen plans linoleum but still creaked. But the began. With a loud rattling noise, and dreams fail to come to full fruition. supermarket style layout with a couple like Marley’s ghost, an aged, silver of checkouts had not yet arrived. Instead haired, uniformed retainer appeared So let me put minds to rest. I travelled the traditional layout of island displays from the wings carrying a large silver up to Lee’s (Dawson) Presidential in the shape of an elongated “O” with tray burdened with a silver-plated Conference at Brentford by train. Now an assistant and a till trapped inside the teapot, jugs for hot water and milk and all the main line trains from East Anglia “O” still prevailed. The goods were set sufficient crockery for the 3 invigilators stop at Stratford so I had a very good out on the flat surface of the display unit now seated on the stage. Eventually, view of the Olympic site and saw the separated by low plate glass dividers. and very slowly, he reached the centre biggest forest of tower cranes I have The depth of each unit was such that of the stage and placed the tray on ever seen. A huge amount of work is you could, if you both stretched, hand a convenient side table. He then indeed underway with vast amounts of your purchase and money to the proceeded to serve the 3 individually, equipment, mountains of materials on assistant trapped within. a process that took some considerable the move and emerging skeletal stadia. time during which he had the full I had, somewhat daringly, bought an attention of all the 300 examinees. Brentford 09 early model hand-held calculator the Eventually he shuffled off stage left and, previous week and it was faulty. I spent had we been brave enough, we should I have to say that I really enjoyed this a long time that week trying to establish have given him a round of applause. conference, after all it’s not often that clearly what was going wrong and one finds both the President and an had a carefully rehearsed presentation The only sour note came when we got antepenultimate but one past President ready for the purpose of convincing back to Sheffield. Our group got as waiting at the door of the venue to greet an assistant that I should be given a far as Fitzalan Square, where we were my arrival. The hospitality was superb, replacement. Woolies assistants, at that all to go our separate ways. We were the area was interesting and attractive, time, it would not be too unkind to say, of course still carrying the aforesaid the Bollywood dancing was fantastic – were not noted for either their high-tech drawing boards and T-squares. Before but one doubt remains; did the 3 boys in prowess or for being the sharpest tool in we could finish our goodbyes our little the boat make it back home? the box and so I anticipated difficulties. meeting was roughly broken up by Little did I know that 20 years on I the local constabulary and we were The wonder of Woolies would face a regular similar challenge at told in no uncertain terms to move on. committee? I can only assume that they imagined When Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom went we were about to stage some sort of to Blackpool with young Albert, their So with some trepidation I presented demonstration and the drawing boards son, we were told he carried a stick myself at the calculator area of the same were placards. with an ‘orses ‘ead ‘andle, the finest that display unit, attracted the attention of Woolworth’s could sell. Having seen so the assistant, and then launched into my On a lighter note I got through so that many famous shops close forever over presentation with illustrations provided meant a 2-year wait for the final and the the last few years I do find it difficult to by the aforesaid calculator. I sensed I dreaded practical test but meanwhile go in and pick up a few “closing down was not getting much feedback and I had already decided to move on to sale” bargains as it feels like picking the glancing up I saw the assistant was just pastures new. pockets of a corpse. However as soon as standing there holding out her hand. the first whispers about Woolies spread She obviously wanted to try out the (Stay tuned for more exciting I did go in before the sales started to unit herself. I handed it over, with the episodes; hopefully episode 3 will not stock up on those items that would also box. She returned the calculator to its be as long delayed.) disappear forever ie those glass saucer- package and then expertly tossed it like things for extracting the juice from about 20 yards into a bin located within A forest of tower cranes lemons and little porcelain soap dishes. the display unit and provided for just this eventuality. Simultaneously she Do you remember our trip to Newham Woolworths has been an ever-present picked up another unit from the display in 2004 when young Malcolm Dawes part of the High Street for as long as and handed it to me without a word. chose as his theme London 2012 and I can remember and my particular Little did I know also that 20 years on I the Olympics? Many of the presentations memory of the store goes back to the would often receive a similar response at his Presidential Conference told a 70s. from committee? compelling tale about the vast amount of investment and activity that was The Stowmarket Woolies had been Estates Gazette revisited about to be visited on Stratford railway updated. The gaslights had been station and its immediate environs. replaced with neon tubes but all the In the issue of 29 August, page 25, under fittings were still suspended from the heading “RBS acts to stem losses…”

70 THE SCRIBBLER the opening sentence “RBS is creating thought I ought to pass on to you, an older and smaller office building several vehicles to buy back distressed briefly, lessons learned. nearby, St Giles House. From the start commercial properties it has leant I asked each section to nominate a against…” struck a chord. The first was an outcome of the 1974 representative for the Move Committee. Reorganisation. This had a big effect on This was done and I chaired the Some years ago I was responsible for Suffolk where 2 existing county councils meetings; there were agendas and moving my staff into a new purpose- were being merged. I was involved minutes. All the previous areas of built office building. Unfortunately the in taking a lease of a 9-floored office complaint were addressed. After a few budget ran out just before building work block in Ipswich, St Peter’s House, to meetings a senior member of staff was completed and so initial cleaning supplement the existing County Hall came to see me on behalf of the other up of builders rubble was skimpy, to accommodation. The shadow authority representatives. They didn’t want to be say the least, and no finish was applied had decreed that the new building was involved in the preparations any more. to the internal walls of up-market to be open plan and that new system- They felt they were being implicated in breezeblock. Although the property was built furniture only was to be used. The the process and their ability to complain, not distressed we certainly were when East Suffolk Procurement Officer refused after the event, was being limited. There we leant against it. to get involved in purchasing this for the were no more meetings; I did it my way. new authority and so I ended up buying Mind you not as distressed as I and signing for the delivery of £75,000 Six years on, after being given notice of was when visiting a farm tenant of new furnishings! my pending redundancy, I was asked to some months later. I leant against organise the move of all property staff, a complicated piece of agricultural I was also asked to organise the move except me, from St Giles House back to machinery and something stained right of all property staff into the new St Edmund House. It all went well, there through the suit, the shirt and on to the building and to produce a floor layout were no complaints, and in fact I can arm. It could have been residues from fully in accordance with German remember little about it. the hydraulic system, or whatever the “burolandschaft” principles. This I did noxious substance the machinery had by replicating the new office structure Lessons? been spraying, or probably a mixture of diagram on the floor plate with the the two but it never did come out of the open plan furniture. There were no Just remember that when it comes to suit or the shirt. corners or fixed offices, just gentle offices, desks and parking people will curves and a wide-open vista. It looked complain whatever you do and however The move fantastic. No one complained; there it is organised. So ensure that at least was no-one to consult with other than one person is completely satisfied with That reminds me. the new Property Chief, as he was the method and outcome, ie you. only person yet appointed to the new I have just been involved in my fifth authority. major office move in 40 years of working in local government. As usual it was Ten years later I organised the move of traumatic but, uniquely, I was not property staff from St Peter’s House back responsible for any of the arrangements to the County Hall site but into a new for the new building in Bury St purpose-built “architect designed” office Edmunds. I missed the first few days in building known as St Edmund House. the new environment, on reflection a It was specifically designed for open major tactical error, so arrived early on plan working but unlike the previous the second Monday morning without “spec built” office was a dismal failure. the requisite ID to get into, and about, There was only minimal consultation the building. Fortunately an ACES Past with staff, as there was little to discuss, President had kindly offered to let me and professional removers were used in and I was conducted straightaway to dismantle furniture, move it, and re- to an inner FM security sanctum where erect at the other end as directed by me. arrangements had been made for the top man to be on standby to sort out my After the event I learned staff were credentials. He was not there but a nice disgruntled as they were not asked to young lady, who looked vaguely familiar, approve floor layouts and personal desk at the far end of the office immediately positions and had not been asked to got up and came over and said “You are come in over the weekend to move and William Marshall, the County Land Agent re-erect furniture! and Valuer.” What a lovely welcome. Ten years on, in 1994, I began to But back to the story, in my time I organise the move of substantially the organised 4 major office moves and same staff from St Edmund House to 71 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 15, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2010

Going undercover a Guinness. “It’ll be about 10 minutes,” Fifty years on I have only just realised I was told so I sat down to study the how true that was. The school exercise I am currently involved, peripherally, house magazine. So far so good, no one books mentioned above contain a in the letting of an important town had spotted me as a spy! number of carefully drawn and labelled centre space as a possible “drinking maps of my village with all streets clearly establishment,” to use the planners’ The meal arrived in 4 minutes and labelled and features of interest shown. rather inelegant technical term. It’s looked good enough to eat. Lots a big These were done freelance as it were not an idea that has gone down well salad leaves, OK on my diet and lashings and pre-11 plus. Then when I was 12 with “the great and the good” and of Caesar salad dressing, best not to we obviously had a session on scale immediately began to generate letters think about it. There was also plenty of drawings and off I went doing ever- to the local paper based on the 2 usual Parmesan and croutons; all best avoided improving scale drawings of the IIA form grounds plus a rather surprising one. as far as possible. room eventually with each desk labelled up with the occupant’s name. The 2 usual grounds are, of course (1) After a minute or two I sensed You cannot approve another pub/shop/ something was amiss; there was no Not having looked at this material café in the town as this will compete chicken. Would complaining blow my for many, many years this all came as with my pub/shop/café and (2) this is a cover? Would not complaining blow my a big surprise and in any event who council-promoted project so must, by cover? Was I being watched from some but a chartered surveyor would, due definition, be wrong. secret control room? to other pressures, fail to date (value) photographs as they were taken but In addition some complaints read like I attracted the attention of the Polish lady would, nonetheless, retain sufficient the teetotallers’ tracts that we used to be and explained the problem. She whisked contemporary documentary evidence to issued with years ago at Sunday School the plate away and then kept me waiting allow accurate dating (valuation) to take highlighting the evils of the demon just long enough to wonder of she was place decades later? drink. An interesting approach to adopt ever coming back when she returned in a town whose prosperity was created triumphantly with a chicken Caesar salad Bankers’ bonuses by, and is sustained by, a major brewery! with a double helping of chicken. “Enjoy!” My cover was not blown. I finished my I have to say that my heart went out to But getting back to the story it is meal then slunk away. the bankers the other day on reading this possible that a major national chain of story. It concerned the “Banking Group” family drinking establishment operators A chartered surveyor? The that would have gone down the tubes might be interested and this created prequel last year taking squillions of our money much high-level internal discussion with it had not the government pumped although it soon became apparent that Having decided, quite recently, that I in squillions of our money to save their neither Management, nor Members, or had to digitise a lifetime’s accumulation bacon. Now this year the Group’s position I, had any personal experience of the of photographs and transparencies had picked up and it had only lost a few particular pubs in question. I immediately came up against the billion, presumably, of our money. And age-old problem of inadequate record apparently the Board of Directors had In the Armed Services “Never volunteer keeping; most were undated. However spent “a long time” considering very for anything,” is the watchword but as I in looking for evidence I did find I had carefully the bonus position and had was going up to Warwick I volunteered retained quite a lot of written material decided, given the very sensitive nature to lunch in such an establishment and such as a complete collection of work of the topic, to award themselves only a report back. Sometimes it’s a hard job diaries from 1969 so not only do I know few millions of our money as bonuses for but someone has to do it. where all the bodies are buried but I not losing more than the few aforesaid have documentary evidence too. billions. The Board must be paid vast fees On the day I soon located the premises for taking such vital decisions. and went in. I had to draw the line at This search for material eventually led any undercover photography though me to a box containing a number of I wonder if these bankers will ever tell as, although my new camera is compact 50-year-old school exercise books and a us what really happened in the crash? enough not to draw attention, I cannot surprising discovery. In “A CHARTERED We know that billions were lost recently. yet turn off the flash. I found it a very SURVEYOR 1” I expressed some surprise So who trousered the billions of pounds pleasant place to be in with a lunchtime when offered a training position with of profit? And given the bonus culture, family orientated clientele. And there the objective of becoming a chartered ie you help yourself from the till when was something on the menu I could surveyor. I had no idea what a surveyor things go well and when the big losses actually eat ie chicken Caesar salad so I was although on reflection I thought it were sustained did you have a whip ordered that at the bar along with half sounded just up my street. round and put some back?

72 THE SCRIBBLER Which all reminds me, not of the current system it was proved that the old order maximised before we spend them. “Scandal” about pay-offs to Chief of merit was right all along and, indeed, That’s the real professional task!” Which Executives but an initiative adopted in in some of the bigger department is not what was said when the Iceland local government about 20 years ago salaries were enhanced. Banks went into meltdown taking many to assess all salaries on an impartial and authorities’ assets with them. A whole objective basis so that we would all be Then the bigger departments began procession of Finance Officers, and on the same footing. The problem to be reorganising and some individual their groupies, appeared in the media solved was the inequity whereby salaries salaries were greatly enhanced to reflect to say it wasn’t their fault. Investment were dependent upon the power new responsibilities. Within 6 months decisions were just a tick box exercise. If and rapaciousness of the employing a second wave of reorganisations government gave the Bank of Toytown a department. Apparently this then new began in which the salary-enhancing good credit rating then that’s where the system, widely used in the private responsibilities were switched within money went. sector, assessed responsibilities under teams to give other staff enhanced a number of headings, for example salaries. “Didn’t we consider this In some professions you just cannot lose. budget controlled was one, then added reorganisation 6 months ago,” I naively up the scores and with the aid of a asked, “and improved the salaries of A, Kenneth Kemp Turner FRICS points table that came with the system, B and C? Now A, B and C are losing their produced, independently and equitably, new responsibilities to X, Y and Z who The RICS reported that Kenneth Kemp a salary. should have their salaries improved Turner died aged 96. He had lived in too. Does this mean that the salaries of Newmarket for many years but had “Isn’t this a wonderful system?” said A, B and C revert back?” “That is not a recently moved to the south coast. He the Chief Executive. I alone disagreed. question you can ask,” said Personnel. retired many years ago as Defence Land “Look,” I said, “I accept the present Agent and was for a time Chairman of arrangements where the powerful One issue I could not resolve was that Suffolk County Council. He was a real departments get the lion’s share. It’s the authority was not prepared to take gent of the old school, always polite, the way of the world. All the new into account capital receipts in assessing considerate and had a wonderful turn of arrangements will bring is a complicated responsibility-based points as both the phrase that he used in both speech and assessment that will have to be system and the authority only regarded letter writing. County council meetings manipulated to prove the powerful expenditure budgets as a true measure were always orderly and well conducted departments really deserved their big of responsibility. As the Treasurer himself in his time. salaries all along. As I say I don’t mind put it, “You may be raising £3 million in that but I do object to being regarded capital receipts each year but anyone What many may not realise is that when as a simpleton.” “What a cynical view. We can do that. It doesn’t really involve he, a chartered surveyor, was Chairman will train you as an assessor and put you and professional expertise or difficult of the council both the Chief Executive on the Appeals Panel. That will show you judgements. On the other hand we in and the County Land Agent and Valuer how wrong you are.” Finance have the real professional job were chartered surveyors too; a unique of “overnighting” those capital receipts situation for the Royal Institution. It didn’t. After a huge amount of work, when they come in and then investing and massaging by the operators of the them prudently so that income is

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 15, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2010

A Century Surveyed and trilby in time for Newquay. It sounds exactly as I remembered him. just the sort of place to sport plus fours – a The Centenary Book, which arrived pre- century ago! I had started a BSc Honours degree course Liverpool, is a superb, comprehensive and in Civil Engineering at Owens College, glossy recording of the history of ACES Professor Eric Laithwaite Manchester University and dutifully and its predecessor incarnations. Colin attended a year’s course of lectures in and Tim should rightly feel proud of their I happened to be, by chance, in a electrical engineering in, appropriately part in its production. The decision to second-hand bookshop on the way enough, the Electrical Engineering include so many historic photographs was to Liverpool when I came across “An Department. Professor Eric gave these. absolutely correct. Engineer Through the Looking Glass”, The other elements of the course involved by Professor Eric Laithwaite. Although it numerous complicated lectures in the The book celebrates the centenary of was priced a little outside my reach I did Mathematics Department and the CLAVA, the County Land Agent and have a quick flick through the pages and Mechanical Engineering Department Valuers Association. I was a member of soon decided I didn’t understand a word and probably others elsewhere but we CLAVA. My, how the years have flown by. I of it. However his photograph, which never went near the Civil Engineering really must dig out my tweedy plus fours must have dated from the early 60s, was Department. This rather destabilised me 73 THE SCRIBBLER and to correct this I tended to focus on the relationship with a succession of AA men, But OK said the man; we’ll give it a go. Union building, especially the bar on the interspersed, just for variety, with VW Assist It worked! second floor. usually represented by the RAC, and always to attend to the same problem, a lack of This process had taken 90 minutes plus Perhaps you remember Eric, he invented starting. Thank goodness for Home Start. the first hour’s waiting time, which meant the electric linear induction motor now I joined the eastbound M62 at the height used to power rapid transit rail systems all All were polite and competent and came of the evening rush; and was pleased to over the world, but none in this country. to the same conclusion. The van was not do so. He mentioned his invention from time being used enough. Even my own garage to time in his lectures, and became confirmed this. The very, very nice man was AA staff something of a TV personality thereafter. number 76679, probably based in Leeds. If Eventually I became completely fed up you meet up with him say hello from me. At the end of the first year we had to take (after nearly 3 years!) and instructed a relevant vac job. I ended up a Junior Civil my garage to fit the biggest and most Before I left he gave me one piece of Engineer on a big site in Sheffield and powerful battery they could find and to invaluable technical advice. “See that knob learned a lot about the role of the civil check thoroughly the electrics for faults. there,” he said pointing to the switch that engineer and their status on site ie you This was done and a few wiring faults were controlled the mirrors, “never, ever touch were likely to be the poorest paid person also traced and corrected. I promised to it again.” on site and could be despatched to Abu use the van more regularly. Dhabi or Alaska on a few days’ notice. The A64 Chinese mystery Three trouble-free months of motoring Having reconsidered my position I didn’t later I stopped off in Bradford on my way Travelling along the A64 dual carriageway return to Manchester, or become a civil home from York to visit my brother. As an one morning I was on the lookout for a engineer but became a navvy instead; a afterthought, because he lives on a narrow likely looking filling station, spotted one decision I have never regretted. road, and the dustbin lorry was due, I swung coming up, and began to pull in. Too late, I in the electrically operated mirrors. Aren’t realised it was not a direct access but one Oh and I didn’t buy the book. As I said, I these modern electric gizmos wonderful; of those tedious service roads that take dutifully attended a year’s course of his how did we survive without them? you right round the houses and into the lectures in Manchester, and much like back door, as it were. the book, didn’t understand a word of When the time came to leave, before the them either. M62 rush hour, I did, fleetingly, worry There were a couple of cars filling up as about whether the van would start I reached the pumps but by the time I A very nice man but it fired up first go. Then swing out was ready they had gone and another car the mirrors and off we go. No mirrors. I pulled in just as I began to walk over to the I may have mentioned this before but twiddled the knob every which way but shop. In there I was somewhat taken aback I am a motorcaravanner. I bought my no joy. They remained retracted. as the only person visible in the place was fifth one 3 years ago, on a bit of an a Chinaman sat behind the counter and impulse, just before, or so it transpired, So, yet another call to the AA! It was slumped over the cash desk. He looked I embarked on an extensive course of estimated he would arrive in 60 minutes. completely comatose – or dead! medical examinations, hospitalisation and He did. “Never heard of that before,” he convalescence. said. Progress! He tried everything I had Had the previous customer, who had left already tried; no luck. He opened up 3 fuse while I was filling up, robbed the place and So by the time I felt inclined to use it boxes accessible from the driver’s cab and knocked him out, or topped him, or what? again its electrical system had shut down tried each fuse one by one. No luck but he Before I could decide the door opened completely ie it was impossible to open did revive an internal light that had failed and the next customer came in and stood any of the doors. By chance I had not years ago. behind me. “Oh,” he said, “It’s help yourself backed the van up against the garage wall, time is it?” “Absolutely not!” I replied. Is as was my original plan, consequently the The he tried his dashboard computer nothing sacred, I thought, anyway the rear “hatchback” and its non-electrical lock, in his van and found 2 or 3 possibilities place was probably full of CCTV cameras, was accessible, otherwise the remaining but no luck. Then he “phoned a friend”. not to mention the forecourt. option for access would have been, When things get desperate they can presumably, a tin-opener. contact a central source of expertise with I rapped the edge of my credit card on the access to the Internet and manufacturer’s counter. The dead body jerked upright I have to say it was difficult clambering in, information. He made a number of instantly. “Pump?” he asked. I paid and was as, at the time, I was held together by 29 suggestions most of which we had already glad to get out. The customer behind me industrial size metal staples, the executive tried but tried again just to be polite. had gone by the time I was ready to roll variety of course, but I did manage to No luck. Then he said there’s a build-up and out of curiosity I drove slowly past disengage the other locked doors, in of static in the system, disconnect the the shop and yes, there he was already time, eventually, for the first visit of the battery, discharge the static, reconnect the slumped over the cash desk looking AA man. Since then I have built up quite a battery and away you go! We fell about. completely comatose – or dead!

74 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 15, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2010

It’s different up North accusing the authority of badly On reflection I was lucky to survive. underestimating the intelligence of Felicity Goodey CBE, the former BBC council tax payers and being out of By this time I had moved on from Industrial Correspondent and currently touch with the real world. Sheffield to Retford as a Valuer for British Chairman of Central Salford URC Ltd Railways Estates and Rating department. gave a very interesting, articulate and This double exchange brought us up Retford was a 16-mile cross-country energetic presentation in Liverpool to the time that I should have been trip from home and this, with practice, about the changes in Salford brought getting Liverpool Conference transcripts took about 16 minutes. The bike had about by the demise of the Manchester from the lady who also works in the an electric starter and started first time Ship Canal and the Port of Manchester Waste Disposal admin office of the local every time. However it took a minute (renamed Port of Salford after closure). I authority and, by coincidence, it was the or two to warm up sufficiently to pull have just finished editing the following time the rounds actually changed. away so I used to leave it on the stand small section; these are Felicity’s spoken popping and spluttering until it was words. We still have a lot to do, this is That was about 2 months ago. Since ready, much to the chagrin of Fred next Chapel Street … the heart of the old then it has been all hands to the pump door who had usually recently returned city, one of our next major development in the Waste Disposal admin office as for from the night shift. Once, and only areas … we have a £1billion framework 2 months the phones have not stopped once, I offered my mentor, Robbo, a lift deal here … they submitted, with our ringing as local residents complain back from the office to his village about support, the largest single planning vociferously that their bin had not been 4 miles up the old A1. “How fast were application which Salford City Council emptied and how dare you change the we going?” Robbo asked the following has ever received … and the reaction of rounds without telling us. Not that this morning. “I just managed to reach 110,” I the local community was, “Well come on means much to the green ink brigade. replied, as he went slightly green. just get on with it.” Having put the world to rights – again – other windmills have appeared to take Shortly after buying the machine I had I couldn’t get over the reaction of the a tilt at. some problems with the headlight local community. It must be very pleasing dipswitch and stopped off at a to work in that sort of atmosphere. This is why the production of motorbike garage on the way home, run The contrast with the culture down Liverpool transcripts and the by a recently retired racer. He heard the here is amazing. The “reaction of the publication of the Liverpool Asset engine, a free revving twin, and came local community” is never heard. Any have been so badly delayed. out at once to see what it was. “Ah, one development, however small, any change of the new Hondas, looks fantastic, what to the status quo, no matter how minute, Motorbikes II do you run it at?” he asked looking at has to be challenged by the same small the rev counter and taking charge of group of letter writers in alliance with the Some time ago I promised a second the twist grip before I could get off the local press. helping of Motorbikes and here it is. bike. “I’m still running it in,” I said, “and I bought the little Honda 50 early in haven’t gone over 1,000 rpm yet.” He For example just after the Liverpool 1963 and I changed it in mid 1965. then asked what the upper limit was Conference the local authority During its short life however I used it for and I told him nearly 10,000 rpm at announced a major shake-up in wheelie both work and to travel to numerous which point he rolled the throttle round bin emptying rounds and let it be motorcycle race meetings. My “local to maximum and the machine and my known that it intended to send a circular track” was Cadwell Park, and I haunted eyeballs disappeared in a horrendous letter to all local residents and stick an the place, but Mallory Park was almost blur. “Fantastic,” was his response and he identical reminder on each wheelie bin as close. Further away was Oulton Park lowered the rpm down to about 7,000. on the last round of the old regime. in Cheshire and I remember 2 epic Easter “When riding never let the revs drop Instantly the bottles of green ink were Monday journeys across the Pennines below that,” was his considered, expert unstopped and the authority was vilified in the snow. Eventually I bought a new view. I did try it on the way home but in the local press the following week, Honda 305cc CB77 super sports model frightened myself very badly. not for changing the rounds, but for the for £269.19.0, if I remember rightly. It waste incurred in telling everyone twice! was a ridiculous choice really. This model Some years later I saw a photo of had a top speed of more than 110 mph, Steve McQueen astride the same A mild response in the local paper the accelerated faster than anything I have motorcycle in a Sunday colour following week from the authority travelled in since, including a Porsche supplement feature on “Style Icons.” hinting the not everyone read every sports car, and the brakes, if applied This is Steve on his machine. letter or wheelie bin attachment in earnest, had an effect similar to produced an even more vitriolic someone sticking a metal rod through And this is me, similarly mounted, back response from the green ink brigade the front wheel. in the sixties. 75 THE SCRIBBLER rivers jointly run into the North Sea What an absolute shower accommodates the 2 major ports of Felixstowe and Harwich. Back in August I heard on the late news that this was the best night to Our starting point was Shotley Gate, observe the meteorite showers but, situated at the point of the peninsula, unfortunately, most of the country and with great views of both ports. would be covered by cloud, to the Driving down the hill to the Bristol Arms intense disappointment of many. I offers up the first view of the water and peeked out of the window only to see I saw that a huge cruise ship parked the sky was as clear as a bell so I felt up at Parkeston Quay, across the water obligated to go out and observe. Damn! in Harwich, dominated the skyline. Shimmering white in the morning As I’d already has a small dry sherry sun this 8 or 9-storied leviathan was before dinner and half a glass of tonic obviously between cruises and when wine with the fish I was feeling a bit you are that big, parking is an issue. woozy anyway but thought that the This view contrasted well with the huge fresh air would help. It was actually container ships at Felixstowe stacked warm and pleasant out on the patio high with containers. and, I don’t know whether you tried it or not but it is difficult to “observe” when An hour or so later we were to come you have no idea about either direction across a very different nautical scene. or timing. So I adopted the procedure of constantly turning round and round This year there were 25 walkers and so as not to miss anything and saw 2 one dog, with the vast majority East cracking meteorite tracks and thought I Anglian chartered surveyors, as usual, saw 3 others but couldn’t be sure. cowering under the bedclothes until we were safely on our way. The walk took us Needless to say after half an hour north alongside the Orwell then across turning round and round I did begin to the peninsula and back to the start feel really woozy, not to say bored, so along the banks of the Stour. We were packed it up and went to bed. to turn inland away from the Orwell at the “iconic” Pin Mill with its “iconic” views The Hole in the Elephant’s up the Orwell to the A14 crossing via a Bottom 20-year old concrete motorway bridge. (It’s not clear whether it’s the view or the While on the way to Newquay I bridge that is iconic). happened to be in a shop selling second hand books and CDs when I chanced I think the historic significance of Pin across a copy of Roy Hudd’s CD “Those Mill is that it is where, in years past, Music Hall Days – 15 nostalgic favourites sailing barges could be beached and from the master of music hall”. One song repaired. Our path brought us up to Pin has the above title and the sleeve notes, Mill through a wood that runs down to and his autobiography, confirm that the riverside and here we saw about this number was actually learned at his half a dozen “hulks” hauled up partly on grandmother’s knee “and when you hear to the bank. I looked around nervously the lyrics it’ll give you an idea of the sort expecting Magwich to grab me by of upbringing he had!” Doing the LionHeart the throat demanding “vittles.” I’m not Walk - again sure what the origin of these vessels Although born and brought up in was but they were quite big, made Croydon Roy Hudd is now a “local” as he The first Saturday in September is of steel not timber and all had been lives somewhere in Suffolk. Some years LionHeart Challenge Walk time. This converted, somewhat idiosyncratically ago I went along to the Theatre Royal was the fourteenth walk, all researched to residential purposes. in Bury St Edmunds to catch his show and arranged magnificently by Geoffrey “Roy Hudd’s Extremely Entertaining Dyball of Breton Chartered Surveyors Had the temperature been up in the Evening.” The event was a sell out and Ipswich. This year we visited the 90s, with 100% humidity, and lots of the audience comprised mainly elderly, Shotley Peninsular, south of Ipswich, wood smoke in the air we could have well-to-do, couples. The show was to and bounded to the north by the been walking through the worst slum focus on Roy’s main interest in music hall River Orwell and to the south by the areas of Shanghai or Saigon or Mumbai and feature some of his many anecdotes River Stour. The estuary where both not dear old Suffolk. and favourite songs.

76 THE SCRIBBLER His opening announcement was that note everybody in the theatre, except pantaloons I’m the rage/I’m the hole in his first number would be “The Hole in me, was singing along and knew all the the elephant’s bottom. the Elephant’s Bottom.” My jaw dropped. words. To give you a flavour here’s the Although I had never heard of it I did opening verse: And thereafter the last line of each verse not think the title suggested a song is “Through the hole in the elephant’s wholesome enough for this audience. I wanted to go on the stage/And now bottom.” The lyrics are wickedly funny; How wrong can you be? From the first my ambitions I’ve got ‘em/In my grey you must try and catch it sometime.

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 15, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2010/11

It’s different up North – again he replied, at which point I almost fell to be built over the former cemetery, and off my chair. “That’s where I was born,” I possibly my grandmother’s grave, with Remember last edition’s piece about told him. access involving the demolition of the the bins? It came up again recently. public library. I had just finished a meeting with a We had never met. He is about 10 years senior planner, a man I have known for younger than me so our paths never The library was a place where I spent about 10 years. He is highly respected, crossed there and he lived at the posh most of my childhood hours, with the Members listen to him, he is articulate end of the village. We lived at the other possible exception of the Palace Cinema. and very well spoken. I had him down end, where, had we had a bath, we as a Home Counties man, possibly ex would have kept coal in it. He is the Back in the 40s and 50s there were a public school. first person ever from Dinnington, or number of “high street” grocers trading possibly the first person prepared to in the village. I remember Gallons, and Just for something to say as we packed admit it, that I have met in the 50 odd Meadow, and Thrift. We were Gallons up our papers I mentioned Felicity years since I left the place. people. You could shop there and carry Goodey’s comments the Chapel Street your stuff away but most wrote out a Salford Regeneration, their £1 billion The good old days weekly order in a notebook, dropped it framework deal with developers that off at the shop and paid for it, and then produced the largest single planning My meeting with the senior planner, the errand boy would appear at your application Salford City Council has ever and subsequent reminiscences, has door later in the day with the purchases received and the reaction of the local dredged up a load of memories that I carefully packed in a cardboard box. So community was, “Well come on - just get will undoubtedly pass on to you over the much for the innovative Internet based on with it.” I bemoaned that fact that next few months. The said senior planner home delivery services of today. this just didn’t happen here. He made still visits the place regularly and tells me, what I took to be a slightly flippant for example, that there is now a Tesco There were also a number of men’s comment about “The North” and I asked supermarket in the village. This appears hairdressing saloons though I cannot how he knew that.

“Well I was born up there,” he said.

“Where?”

“Up north.”

“Where?”

“Well Sheffield actually.”

“Whereabouts in Sheffield?”

“About 12 miles to the east.”

[Like getting blood out of a stone isn’t it; the years of planning training have really paid off.]

“Where exactly east of Sheffield?” I asked. “Oh, in a little village you will never have heard of called Dinnington,” 77 THE SCRIBBLER 1956. The Hungarians had thrown off that is the height of 3 London double the Soviet yoke and had elected their decker buses. But not like the reporter own President Imre Nagy (pronounced who said, “The snow here is very deep, Nage). The Russians, upset by this, about 90 centimetres, or, to put that launched a severe military response and in context, 3 feet.” So we would advise Soviet tanks rolled into Budapest. The Members that the required cuts, to put Soviets offered Nagy safe passage out this in context, would be equivalent of the country and then, on 4 November to, for example, cutting out all winter 1956 executed him - outside Hungary. highway maintenance or closing all old This was reported on the front page of people’s homes. This produced the same recall any ladies’ establishments. the Herald. One customer, clearly moved Member reaction as before but involved Haircutting was another “rights of by this, said out loud, “I see they’ve us in less angst. passage” situation. At first boys were killed Naggy then.” To which, after a taken to the barbers by the father, an moment or two, 2 or 3 other customers Phase 3. When eventually the previous unusual situation, as mothers were responded, “Aye.” approach palled hours and hours of primarily and almost completely Management Team time were spent in responsible for childcare. The saloon of Financial crisis. What carefully identifying the extent of the choice for us was the one run by Charlie financial crisis? latest cuts, and why they were needed, Spittlehouse in the High Street. There and then Members were asked to was very little chat as I remember and As a member of a County Management identify and agree how they could be the décor and ambience was similar to Team from 1978 to 2000 all I ever implemented. a funeral parlour. You had to remember remember discussing at Management your turn ie after all those waiting when Team meetings, apart from the County If this sounds a dangerous approach you you came in and before all those who Hall Beverage Pricing Policy, was the are correct. Once they are handed the came in after you sat down. A system latest in a constant stream of financial keys; it is impossible to get them back. requiring much self discipline that, I crises. I feel I ought to offer some imagine, would not work today. experience-based practical advice to RT ok those currently in the hot seat. Advice When my turn came Charlie would about dealing with cut backs that is, One thing I remember as a constant of produce, with a flourish, a board about not the price of vending machine teas childhood days is the presence of the 2 feet long that rested across the arms and coffees. Radio Times. This seems very strange of the traditional barber’s chair. Children as we only ever listened to the Home were sat on this for their haircut during Faced with a 20-year drip feed of Service and the Light Programme. In which neither crying nor tantrums were financial cut backs we went through 3 fact the only available stations were an option. As soon as you became too distinct phases in handling them. those aforementioned two and the aptly big to sit on the board you were on your named “Third Programme” so the listings own regarding future visits. Phase 1. Hours and hours of content of the magazine must have Management Team time were spent in been pretty thin. There was a crossword, At this point I transferred my allegiance preparing advice on how cuts could be as there is today, and my mother always to Harry Singleton’s place. This was implemented with minimal impact on used to complete it but apart from that non-High Street and less formal, after ratepayers. Member reaction was usually its presence remains a bit of a mystery. all Harry sported a beard, which in that to blame chief officers for imposing the environment was quite unusual. The décor cuts, to ridicule the advice offered and to However I resolved that as soon as I had was the same with the same bottles of eventually agree to a slightly amended a house and radio of my own I too would brightly coloured liquids enticingly placed version of the suggested package. buy the Radio Times. And so I have; it’s around the mirror, merchandise that never my one little luxury. seemed to change or get sold, and large Phase 2. Eventually we got fed up with poster pictures of weirdos with haircuts this and moved into the next phase The listings content has, of course, that were never, ever fashionable. The floor where hours and hours of Management expanded exponentially but additional was covered with copious amounts of hair Team time were spent in carefully BBC radio channels and commercial clippings, bits of fag paper and dog ends. identifying the financial extent of radio stations as well as its 4 TV channels the latest cuts needed, and more and the too many to count satellite There was slightly more chat mainly importantly why. The only additional stations. But there are fewer “must see related to horse racing prompted by advice offered was putting the size of or listen to” programmes than there careful scrutiny of the Daily Herald the required reductions into context. were in the days before television. One racing pages. Occasionally there was You know the helpful way the BBC looked forward to, and rarely missed, some political comment. I remember News reports help us to understand “Dick Barton,” “Journey Into Space,” “Have one such event vividly. big numbers ie the water leaking from A Go,” “The Goon Show” or “Hancock’s the Northern Ireland system would fill Half Hour” for example. There is very The Hungarian Uprising occurred in late Wembley Stadium 3 times over, or, and little, or nothing, today that could be

78 THE SCRIBBLER put in the unmissable category so much quite properly describe him as the only example, a proposal that professional so that I only look at the Radio Times true rock and roller of the group, unlike footballers should have to receive all listings one day at a time to minimise the “portly fusspots” who preside over their pay, in cash, in front of their fans. the disappointment. the group today? Magic! (Proposal 1).

One thing has changed though and No RT still ok The writer then adds, helpfully, “Good that is over the last few months the idea, as long as it’s in loose change and Radio Times and changed into quite a Having said that I missed, due to they have to shovel it all up themselves, readable magazine in its own right. The inclement weather, buying the first RT afterwards.” (Proposal 2). Ambridge Diary (sadly missing from of 2011 and so have made do with a the bumper 2-week festive edition) is Saturday newspaper listings supplement. Unfortunately, due to the minimalist a scurrilous character assassination of It is quite an inferior product, relatively font size I misread “shovel” as “shove” those well-loved characters and their speaking, particularly the minimalist font with obvious hilarious consequences. jolly doings. And the comments of the size, except for this gem. (Proposal 3). TV editor Alison Graham and her team are often wickedly funny. Who else, in In describing a comedy programme Vote now for Proposal 1, 2 or 3. previewing a documentary about the to be devoted to producing a People’s late Carl Wilson of the Beach Boys, would Political Manifesto it gives, as an

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 16, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2011

You’re still working? I don’t work I don’t have to get up at dist……………” 06.10 hours and, in contrast, it’s so much About 20 years ago, whilst pitched up more enjoyable. That is similar to that farming expression on some French campsite, I got talking relating to poor marksmanship “He to a bunch of middle-aged English When I attend the CIPFA meetings I couldn’t hit a cow’s ar** with a banjo.” Does caravanners all travelling together. hear David expound on the latest shiny anyone know the origins of that one? They were hoping to drive on through new initiatives giving more and more Switzerland, Austria and Italy and power (to frustrate) to Members and the Somebody better get down eventually reach Yugoslavia. public eg Assets of Community Value there and explain offside to her and Community Right to Challenge “Are you going much further?” they asked. and am just thankful that I am no Just in case some readers have longer involved. Mind you I often think been in a coma for the past few “No,” I replied, “we’ve already been away someone is copying a former local months this was the opening line in 10 days and I have to get back.” government minister who enjoyed two a dialogue conducted by the then 2 careers involved with local government. leading Sky Sports presenters when Their leader looked at me with wide-eyed His first self-styled involvement was they noticed, belatedly, that one of horror. “You’re not trying to tell me that “bringing local government under the referee’s assistants (the term for you’re still working are you?” he said. control” through the imposition of more many years was linesman) WAS A and more bureaucratic controls, ie red WOMAN! The conversation was not That’s the sort of off-hand comment that tape. His second career was “freeing broadcast but recorded and secretly sticks in the mind for a long time like local government from unnecessary red handed to the press. when on “Homes Under the Hammer” tape” mainly by dismantling many of his you see a kitchen just like yours dismissed aforesaid bureaucratic controls. The 2 presenters were fired and are now with the terse comment, “Well this will all in a position where their antediluvian have to be ripped out for a start.” I’ve just come across two interesting views are unlikely to be either heard by quotes that I will pass on to you now. or offend anyone ie they are presenters But I am still working for a couple of The first is a John Wayne quote. “Courage on radio’s Talksport. days a week and attending the regular is being scared to death but saddling CIPFA Property AMP Network meetings up anyway.“ I think that is my first John Unfortunately the tape released mainly for the excellent Technical Wayne quote and it’s a good one. to the media failed to include this Updates delivered by David Bentley. additional dialogue. I am often asked why but no one The second is also American. In 1864, believes my very simple explanation. during the American Civil War, General Somebody better get down there and Sedgewick peered pompously over the explain offside to her and while you’re When I work I get up at 06.10 hours and parapet at the enemy some distance down there: leave home at 07.10 to be logged in and off and uttered the immortal words, ready for work by 07.30 hours. When “The couldn’t hit an elephant at this ll Explain offside to the defensive 79 THE SCRIBBLER units of both teams neither currently, in addition to massive staff rich incomers, conduct themselves in of whom seem to understand redundancies, is to: the belief that this is how to become the rule when an attacker gets popular and influential. Hence “How to through and scores ll Sack all lollypop persons Get On in Villages. Had I the skill I should have done it in verse and it would have ll Explain offside to the attacking ll Get out of the old people’s homes begun “Email the fish and chip shop units of both teams neither of business Norman, Oh dear the broadband is whom seem to understand the down again etc.” rule when an attacker is penalised ll Close 20% of all libraries However, how to get on in villages; if ll And although it’s probably a ll Cease to support speed camer- your situation permits these are actions waste of breath give the man- as (that the press have told us to take straightaway, or as soon as the agers a run down on the rule repeatedly are just a licence to garden trampoline is in place: too, particularly the grey haired print money) old gent with the red face who ll Fence into your property some is already practicing repeatedly ll Close an Ipswich Park ‘n Ride that well-loved and well-maintained jabbing his wristwatch with his took years to establish. local feature eg the pond on the index finger village green. Remember you will A far more courageous package, as Sir be better able to afford the legal ll Explain to the Spanish Inter- Humphrey would put it, than we could costs than the Parish Council if national that it is not sufficient ever have suggested even in our most this is disputed for him to just sit down in the satirical dreams. penalty area to be awarded a ll If a public right of way runs penalty – and no, he cannot have In addition, and presumably to assuage alongside your property re-fence a ball boy ready to come on with some of the hurt felt by the Park ‘n Ride the boundary in the style of a a warm dry towel for him to sit on closure, they intend to consult on a POW camp and, if possible, hire next time to save muddying up multi-million pound scheme to improve a demented Alsatian to run up his shorts the town centre dual carriageways and and down the boundary to put roundabouts “to make them work better.” people off ll Explain to the foreign players that FIFA has now ruled that snoods How to get on in villages ll If there is a public footpath across are not to be worn in July and the the front of your property park wearing of woolly gloves at any One of John Betjeman’s earlier poems the 4-wheel drive on it; hire one time really is highly suspect espe- “How to Get On in Society” is the if necessary. Only ever move it cially if not attached to a piece of inspiration for this piece. At junior school to do a mega shop but only at elastic going up one sleeve and we memorised a lot of poetry but little Sainsburys. Never take reusable down to the other glove. in the way of explanation was offered. It bags, always buy enough to fill at was only much later that I came across least 20 pristine new carrier bags What financial crisis? John Betjeman, probably as the amiable and leave the tailgate open for at This one! old gent on TV doing programmes least 30 minutes so all can see the about suburbs, railways, and what he opulence In the last column in recalling my time called “Goff” ie golf. Then it wasn’t too on County Management Team and long before I fell head over heels for ll Buy a pedigree dog as a pet. experience of dealing with cut backs I Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, furnished and This must cost 350 guineas as a did suggest that having tried initially burnished by Aldershot sun. And “What minimum but this makes a good to suggest to Members the least strenuous singles we played after tea, after-dinner conversation point, disruptive method of implementation We in the tournament, You against me.” at least until house prices begin we then moved on to clarifying the to move up again. But beware extent of “savings” required and then His “How to Get On in Society” was dogs have some very unsanitary advising, somewhat satirically, “to originally set as a competition in Time habits and so are best kept in a put this in context, this is equivalent and Tide the objective being to include shed as far away from the house to, for example, cutting out all winter as many references as possible to the as possible and only brought out, highway maintenance or closing all then modern fads of society eg “Phone briefly, to impress old people’s homes.” for the fish knives, Norman, As cook is a little unnerved.” You get the idea. My ll Two children, one of each, are Well, either local Members have been how times have changed. also useful as after dinner con- reading my column or, more likely, those versation points. But these too Management Team papers of 20 years Having lived in a pretty Suffolk village have some very unsanitary habits ago, as here in Suffolk their opening for the past decade I have watched and so the same tips on care and shot at generating the required savings with interest how incomers, usually maintenance apply

80 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 16, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2011

The kite Dad and I and most of the regulars gave And a little earlier, in April, the Sunday chase. The kite reached Farm Lane long Times Magazine published a big piece I often wonder what my earliest memory before we did and we all thought that if containing 2 contrasting views on the could be. Although I have a distinct it reached the open fields on the other BBC’s new northern headquarters; memory of me, in a pram, in the front side we’d never ever catch it. one from a Londoner and one from room, in a village 12 miles east of someone who was originally from the Sheffield during a very heavy air raid my But we hadn’t taken into account the north. There are no prizes for guessing viewpoint is of the room and the pram, roadside telephone line. The kite went who though what. not from the pram so it must be false. over the top and the last of the line wrapped round the wires with the brush An interesting point in the piece One real memory is of the kite. It’s on handle forming quite a nice locking concerned travel costs and how full vfm my desk as I write, still stored in its mechanism. At least the kite was now is obtained from our licence money. original packaging. It is identified as KITE tethered, albeit about 30 feet up in the M-357-A Stock No. 2A1678-357A made air but it looked as though the wires The journalist opposed to the move north by the HOFFMAN RADIO CORP. LOS would break quite soon and we would put forward, as one of his arguments, the ANGELES, CALIF. The pack is dated 15 lose the kite and vandalise the GPO likely excessive travel costs involved on January 1945. telephone wires, almost a capital offence London Euston to Manchester train fares. in those days. Apparently “the BBC is going to have It is of course a yellow box kite with a to fork out for this journey hundreds of frame of small aluminium tubes that fit At the age of 4 or 5 I couldn’t think times a week, ferrying guests, technicians together to support squares of bright how we could retrieve the kite. But and producers.” yellow fabric. The original purpose was to Dad and the other regulars, all miners, fly off a radio aerial from small naval craft were accustomed to solving practical And the cost of the journey was based or surfaced submarine. In the post war problems. He asked if he could borrow on the practical experience of the 40s this was the nearest we got to a “toy”. some string from one and despatched 2 journalists involved and the BBC another to find something heavy and Creative Director who travelled up My father and I used to fly it from the metallic. He returned with a weighty together having bought 3 presumably nearby recreation ground, a large open adjustable spanner. Tying one end of walk-on return tickets at Euston for the space, in the company of one or two the borrowed string to this he carefully princely sum of £700! The party met an other kite flyers. After a false start using tossed it over the runaway kite string independent producer on the platform poor quality string, that soon broke, so that the weight returned to earth who was also travelling up that day but the regular kite flyers soon put us onto on the other side of the string. In this they could not travel together as he fishing line and we never looked back. way the kite string could be retrieved had a first class advance ticket bought and, although it took most of those for only £25. As the BBC man boringly We soon became regulars and I, aged present, the kite was then “capsized” and explained, at length, he could not be 4 or 5, sometimes got to hold the line returned to earth. seen in first class as he had to appear to rather than just running with the kite be a thrifty man of the people and travel to get it airborne. One of the regulars’ We didn’t do much more flying that day. second class. (And who would know his tricks that I much admired was to put fare cost about £200 more than a first a hole in a piece of paper, thread the MediaCityUK class saver?) string through it and then watch the paper slide up the line to the kite. I Remember MediaCityUK, And still the penny didn’t drop! I could really wanted to do this and after much enthusiastically explained to us at the save them millions if they follow these pleading my father said, “OK, but don’t Liverpool Conference by the delegates suggestions. let go of the string.” from the Central Salford Regeneration Company? Many cynics amongst us ll How many of the guests, tech- I held on to it while Dad unwound the thought that while the buildings would nicians and producers need a unused string from the piece of wood we appear on site there was considerable return ticket? Buy them a single used to wrap the line round, introduced doubt as to whether the major new and let them work it out for the sheet of paper and then began to tenant, the BBC, would. themselves rewind the loose string. I let go of the string. It was a very windy day and the Well, on June 3 2011 Mike Dixon ll Require travellers to plan ahead kite, now trailing about 50 yards of fishing conducted the BBC Philharmonic and reveal their travel plans in line attached to a piece of brush handle, Orchestra in a special concert broadcast advance. For example our party took off across the field toward Farm live from Salford to celebrate the new of 3 didn’t just decide to travel up Lane. Good-bye kite, or so I thought. home of the BBC Philharmonic. that morning 81 THE SCRIBBLER ll Bring in an unemployed teenager alarms went off and we were duly turfed Today, more often than not, the race on a YTS scheme to buy advance out to stand around our respective is staged on a brand new circuit, with tickets on the Internet. muster stations enjoying the sunshine every facility on hand, in some place and a peaceful chat. Eventually the H&S we have hardly heard of, and in front of More TalkSport man emerged from the building with vast, spectacular but completely empty his loudhailer and told us that we had all grandstands. Before each race the grid My disparaging comments about done very well and could now go back is packed with “celebrities”, bussed in TalkSport in the last issue were ill- to our desks. specially, but where do they go when judged. In reflecting on Andy Gray and the racing starts? Richard Keys pre-match comments on Incredibly, and without any Sky I said, “The 2 presenters were fired prearrangement, the whole crowd Murray and James are long gone and and are now in a position where their spontaneously broke into the chant are now replaced by a vast team of antediluvian views are unlikely to be “We’re not going back, we’re not going pundits, presenters and commentators. either heard by or offend anyone ie they back.” It reminded me strongly of I somewhat absent mindedly tuned in are presenters on radio’s TalkSport.” Arthur’s addressing his members outside to one of these “fly-away” events and NUM HQ in Sheffield and telling them was surprised by the vast crowd in front I spoke too soon. TalkSport recently won the strike was over and an orderly return of the camera and remember thinking a Sony Award for its bright and breezy to work was planned. there are many more spectators than tabloid Andy and Richard morning last time until I realised that we were show. Given that success I understand Their chant lasted a long time. Ours being introduced to the presentation the Board is now considering a complete a short time dying on our lips as we team. revamp of their station’s format. instantly trooped back into the building. Technically the TV coverage is now The spirit of Arthur F1 excellent but the commentary finds it difficult to keep up with the race. The I never thought Arthur’s influence would What’s happened to F1 these days? event itself is now more complicated manifest itself in good old Suffolk. with various grades of tyres designed In the good old days racing used to to not last the race, refuelling or not We of course have regular fire take place on well worn, old fashioned, (currently not) and lots of new technical evacuation tests in our new West Suffolk traditional circuits in front of a packed gizmos such as KERS, DRS and DCF to House, (a property and project so ably house of motor racing enthusiasts. keep the commentators and us on our described in the last issue of Terrier; The TV coverage was also presented respective toes. see pages 30 and 31), and usually the in a traditional manner, but by the Building Manager chooses a cold wet enthusiastic commentary team of Years ago I use to go to the Friday day. That option was difficult this spring Murray Walker and James Hunt. OK, so practice of the British Grand Prix and as it has been incredibly dry here and in those days, certain teams and a few join the end of the Silverstone entrance latterly wonderfully warm. established drivers were allowed to do gate queue just west of the M1 at 6 whatever they liked but, hey, nothing’s o’clock in the morning. I wonder if that So early one warm sunny morning the perfect. still happens?

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 16, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2011

Work war and wouldn’t or couldn’t go home, As I stood there, somewhat bemused, but they all worked down the pit. thinking about the hard work to come My mother always used to say “Work and how on earth I could possibly carry that makes the world go round.” So my first recollection or work was a full sack when I heard heated words pea picking at about the age of 5. I coming form the weighing-in area. I lived in a mining village that must have gone with a friend and his was extensively influenced by the mother and I remember that we, a group “These pods are too thin, we can’t surrounding agricultural activities so comprising mainly mothers and kids, possibly do this for half a crown a sack,” much so that the autumn half term were picked up and taken out to the said a formidable lady as spokesperson break at school was always referred field on the farmer’s trailer. Here we were for all of us. to as “potato picking week” and the issued with a sack each and a designated expectation was that most would do just row to pick with the instruction that, “That’s all there is,” said the farmer. that. There were no Eastern European “when the sack’s full take it over there to immigrants in those days. Or rather there be weighed and we’ll pay half a crown a “Then we’re on strike,” was the response were many Poles, Ukrainians and, some, sack”, or whatever it was. to which the farmer replied, in a very alleged Russians, who arrived during the conciliatory tone, “Well bugger off then.“

82 THE SCRIBBLER And so we did, having, so far as I was Of course it was not always possible As I’ve already told you in my opinion concerned, learned some invaluable to stay desk-bound for the whole day. those under water power lines leading lessons about the nature of work and There were hours of thumb-twiddling to the wind turbines out at sea are there strikes. committees that I had to be seen at for the purposes of driving the sails and Management Team meetings and round; not for harvesting electric power Red card similar forums to attend. Sometimes I “generated“ by those turbines. That’s all had to conduct professional meetings propaganda to give the impression that Long, long ago, in what now seems a where negotiations had gone off track something is happening on the green much different, and more appealing, or reached an impasse and there were energy front. environment I became a chief officer and site visits to make. Although I knew the soon settled into a new routine which estate well I still found it difficult to sign There are a number of wind farms off I intend to tell you all about. Or rather off deals without, at the very least, having the East Anglian coast and finishing I didn’t immediately settle in, as I was driven by the property, slowly, first. touches are just being applied to the already booked into a 6-week residential Greater Gabbard wind farm that will INLOGOV Senior Management course Having driven home I would indulge in a double the number of turbines out that coincided, more or less, with the large sherry, or two, until a large evening there. This is where the “big lie” comes first 6 weeks of my appointment. (meat and two veg) meal was ready at in as the authorities could not help about 7pm. After this, and a couple of saying that plans are in preparation to With 20/20 hindsight I would strongly glasses of wine, I was ready to sit in front build an additional wind farm further recommend this as the best way to start of the telly and sleep the evening away out to sea that will dwarf the existing off a senior management position as it feeling self-righteously tired due to a provision. And to prove it they had some certainly focuses the mind on structures, hard day’s work. film of work being undertaken out at responsibilities and delegation. However sea on new turbines but gave away the on being parachuted back into my Finally after a large brandy it was off to whole plot by allowing us a glimpse of familiar office surroundings I quickly bed with a mug of black coffee. More the Suffolk shoreline and the Sizewell established the following routine. often than not I was asleep before, as they Nuclear Power Station! say, my teeth hit the bottom of the glass. To avoid the traffic I reached the office It is well known that an additional early, after a 30-minute drive I was at But it was not all hard work and stress, reactor is to be built there. No wonder. my desk by 8am. Fortified only by about oh no! There were holidays to take. The The power demands creating by the 10 cigarettes and endless mugs of usual format was as follows. On Friday, need to drive all these new “turbines” strong black coffee I, literally, never left after a normal week at the office, and must be immense. To tell you the truth the desk until midday doing whatever the usual evening meal, during which I I think I’m losing count of where we it was a chief officer did in those days would refrain from drinking too much are reactor-wise at Sizewell. I am pretty which, I suppose, was monitoring and we (when I say we I mean I) would drive sure the original reactor, “A”, is now directing all incoming and outgoing down to Dover to catch a late evening decommissioned but Sizewell B is still communications and supervising the ferry and then drive overnight down to going. I was at the county council when conduct of all professional work and the Dordogne or Biarritz, arriving in time the planning application for “B” was administrative/management actions. for breakfast. After a couple of weeks we under discussion. Lord Marshall (no would drive back to Calais on the Sunday relation) used to come out for regular I ate lunch at the desk. Invariably it was to catch an evening ferry and eventually discussions with the Chief Executive, the a minimalist “salad” with either smoked reach home at about midnight and so Planning Officer and the Leader. He was mackerel or a hearty Ardennes Pate back to the office by 8am. always driven up in the CEGB’s stretched plus a few slices of fine soft white bread Volvo limousine, which was parked in liberally spread with farmhouse butter. I became a chief officer on 1 April 1985. the courtyard. The main committee Also I was always able to accommodate Four years later, almost to the day, I was room overlooked the courtyard car park. any cream cakes going if someone was surprised to wake up in the Coronary popping across the road to the bakers. Care Unit at the local hospital wired up It was a commodious courtyard with For relaxation I would glance through to a number of complicated looking a separate entrance and exit and the local paper at any relevant articles pieces of IT equipment. On reflection it’s wide enough to park cars either side, my PA had highlighted for me. a wonder I survived so long. end on, leaving plenty of room for a central drive-through access road. The After about 15 minutes, and another You have been warned. only staff allowed access were chief cigarette or two, it was back to work for officers, deputy chief officers and senior the rest of the afternoon. Again fortified A big lie? personnel in the Chief Executive’s only by about 10 cigarettes and endless Department. Unfortunately one of mugs of strong black coffee I worked I think it was Dr Goebbels who said that these failed to realise that the parked away at the desk until about 6pm at the art of propaganda was that if you are stretched limo, with about 5 feet of back which time I would then drive home. going to tell a lie - tell a big one. And so end sticking out into the access road, it is with wind power. ought to be driven around with the 83 THE SCRIBBLER result that he drove straight into it just 21 fitted on my south facing, unshaded cupboard and we looked at the meter. outside the main committee room and roof and they look spectacular. Mind you “Going round pretty fast, isn’t it,” he said watched by the aforesaid Lord Marshall there’s not a lot of roof left to see. nodding towards the horizontal rotating and a host of dignitaries. I don’t think disk under the dials. “Yes,” I replied, “But the meeting went too well after that. Having already had about 9 inches of have you noticed anything unusual?” insulation put in the loft I’m beginning “No.” “It’s going backwards,” he explained Still planning consent was forthcoming to wonder if the structure is able to take but I still don’t really know if he was eventually and Sizewell B was duly built. all this additional weight. having me on. At the far end of the beach, and with great foresight, the owner of the Beach The installation was done on a very The sun is blazing down in this Indian Café renamed it “Sizewell T.” I reckon that bright and hot day and when it was Summer we are having and the LED there is probably just enough frontage complete Liam switched on and showed is almost flashing itself off the wall. I left to cram in Sizewells C to S (inclusive) me how it worked. By now it was midday reckon on a bright day they probably without needing to disturb or rename and the meter that showed, by a flashing have to take Sizewell off-line because the café. red LED, how much electricity was being of my roof. Still that should enable generated, was going like the clappers. everyone to get ready for powering Solar panels Apparently my unit of payment is up the huge numbers of new wind every time the LED flashes so that was generators still to come. Now these are different – to wind quite impressive. There was more to turbines - and actually work. I’ve just had come. Liam took me out to the meter

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 16, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2011/12

Dick Miller has left the county was the top estates man at Norfolk column in The Terrier for, as I said in but I cannot remember his precise job my first piece, 35 years but that must New readers need start here. Dick Miller title. In those days we all had weird and be an exaggeration. He gave it up at was the Chief Estates Officer for Norfolk wonderful and traditional job titles. Dick the end of 2001 Volume 6 Issue 3. His County Council, in the years immediately had joined the LCC in 1959 and left in final piece is typically forthright and preceding “NPS”. And I am going to have 1967. He became President of LAVA in slightly subversive. to mention CLAVA, the County equivalent 1988/89. of ALAVES, both of which merged and Also in 2001 Dick organised a final combined into an association called He personally founded the LAVA Eastern STEPS International Tour featuring the LAVA, which eventually became the Branch sometime in the 80s or early 90s now defunct Betty ‘n Bert Roadshow present day ACES. and made all the arrangements including International Tour with events at hiring a room in The Maltings in Ely until Cambridge, Walsall and Cardiff. I wrote Back in November Tim Foster received branch officers were appointed. at the time his organisational skills an email from Dick’s son Geoffrey to will be sadly missed. Dick has made an say that “……..Sadly both mum and When we both had proper jobs we were immense contribution to ACES and has dad have seen their health deteriorate opposite numbers at Norfolk and Suffolk now left “his” county to be closer to his in the past few weeks…….. Mum and County Councils. In the 90s Dick and I family, and to sit back with his feet up. dad decided, as they couldn’t live by use to meet for lunch in the Scole Inn, themselves, and because they required situated on the border and after Eastern Work II more medical attention than my sister Branch meetings in Bury St Edmunds, and I could provide for them at home, in the days before refreshments were My second experience of work was that it would be best if they moved to a provided, in the One Bull Inn. when I was 11 years old. home, which they did in mid-October.” The home is called Sunrise of Sevenoaks, He was a confident public speaker, with Elder brother Peter, always a worker, was close to where Geoffrey lives. more than a trace of London accent, an agent for Ingrams Tea. This involved (always referred to in this column as “The delivering packets of tea and other stuff to So, who is Dick Miller? Fenland Diamond Geezer”) and a wise his own set of customers in the village. The and seasoned professional, while still option was always available to extend his I attended my first CLAVA meeting being – one of his favourite expressions customer base and/or sell more tea and at the Lords Hill Hotel, Shrewsbury, - streetwise. He also told at a London extras such as biscuits and the like. on Wednesday 5 June 1985. One of AGM the Welder’s Joke for which I will the items on the agenda dealt with always be grateful. Peter was 2 years older than me and a membership application from Dick looked after me at Sunday school, junior Miller of Norfolk County Council. He As YESTERDAYS MAN Dick wrote a school and grammar school. He taught

84 THE SCRIBBLER me how to ride a 2-wheeler bike, but Two very interesting points emerged time” and it proved to be a popular didn’t like me riding his little black about his life. assignment as at that time, some 10 2-wheeler. But then he wasn’t always years after the war, people in general there to stop me. Firstly his lifelong motto was adopted were beginning to look forward after from that a top-flight ice hockey player a decade of total focus on the war and When he got a full size bike, a Raleigh who used to say that his game plan its aftermath. Lenton Sports, I was never allowed to was always to skate towards where ride that – ever. he thought the puck was going to be; A lot of innovative thought went not where it was. His invention and into those essays. For example it was However I was called upon to help out development of several must-have suggested that the Pit bus would be with his tea job when he was ill. I think electronic devices and new methods phased out, as most people would have he had “rheumatic fever” and had to of film animation can demonstrate his their own personal transport for getting stay in bed for a number of months so adherence to this. Interestingly the to work and for pleasure purposes. Gone it was all hand to the pumps tea-wise. I motto of NASCAR drivers is the exact would be heavy wash day workload cannot now recall negotiating premium opposite. They say that if you are coming of work clothes deeply ingrained with rates for my services or big bonuses but off, say, turn 4 and see a major crash coal dust as modern fabrics would be just said “yes” and got on with it; a story occurring at the end of the straightaway, developed that could be cleaned and to be repeated time and time again as demonstrated by a big cloud of tyre restored with a vigorous shake. And our throughout my working life. smoke, head straight for it as by the fathers would no longer need to take to time you reach it the wreckage will have work sandwiches in an air tight “snap” tin Anyway back to the bike. To facilitate moved elsewhere. and an old Tizer bottle full of cold tea as deliveries I was allowed to push, but not tablets and energy drinks in unbreakable ride, this bike round the village. I have Secondly I saw a recording of a lecture bottles would replace all that. to say it was too big and heavy for me he gave to students in which he urged actually to ride but the panniers and them, with great passion, “not to settle.” With hindsight most of these predictions saddlebag were perfect for carrying In other words no matter how difficult were correct and in a sense all were the tea and other stuff. My temporary the job market do not accept whatever completely wrong. The details were secondment included a Christmas job offer comes along unless you really correct but the underlying assumption period when more journeys were want to do that work and are genuinely of all essays was that the Pit would still needed to cope with the big boxes of in that line of work. be at the centre of village life in 50 years’ biscuits and sweeties. time but the reality was that in the Dinnington Colliery early 90s the Pit was closed and the site I can remember feeling greatly relieved completely cleared. No one had come when my temporary assistance was no As you will read in “Work IV” or possibly up with that as a possibility. longer required. “V” in the late 1950s, about 50 years ago I worked at Dinnington Colliery, as did So imagine my surprise when it was Steve Jobs almost every other able-bodied man pointed out to me that my local paper, in the village. The Pit was the focus of the Bury Free Press, is “printed by Having made at least 2 fortunes in his village life. Sheffield Web, Claxton Way, Dinnington lifetime and founded 2 hugely successful Colliery Industrial Estate, Dinnington, companies Steve Jobs left a huge legacy About 10 years earlier, at the village South Yorkshire.” behind after his untimely death. infants’ school we were all invited to write an essay “Dinnington in 50 years Now who could have predicted that!

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 17, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2012

Sporting miscellany weather looks almost clement. Some been appointed swimming team coach spectators have removed gloves, scarves for his country. What better way to spend a freezing cold, and bobble hats! damp and dismal Easter Bank Holiday Will Eddie the Eagle, the British ski jump than sitting close to a real blazing fire Remember Eric “The Eel” Moussambaul record holder, make a comeback at the and watching the year’s first professional of Equatorial Guinea who swam for his next winter Olympics? cycling classic, the 259 km Paris- Roubaix country in the 2000 Olympics in Sydney? race? Not for nothing is it called “the He was the one who seemed ill at ease After Fabio’s somewhat abrupt Hell of the North” due to much of the with swimming and registered incredibly departure (never, probably, has the course being on cobbled lanes livened slow times in his races with the pool phrase “crying all the way to the up with horizontal sleet and depressingly lined with alert life guards. Well he’s back bank” been more appropriate”) the low temperatures. Today, however the and will be at the London Games having overheated talk about ‘Arry has eased 85 THE SCRIBBLER off a bit. Although he has received almost universal acclaim from the British Press they could easily turn on him. For example in explaining why Samassi Abou, then a West Ham striker, had been omitted from a team sheet ‘Arry announced at his weekly press conference that “The lad went home to the Ivory Coast and got a bit of food poisoning. He must have eaten a dodgy missionary or something.” I cannot think of any previous or potential England Manager who could get away with saying that.

My money is on Stuart Pearce, “Psycho”, who has a more of a breadth of experience. Before being transferred to Caption: Wat Tyler’s death (left to right: [unidentified]; Sir William Walworth, Mayor of London (wielding Nottingham Forest in 1985 he played sword); Wat Tyler; Richard II of England; and John Cavendish, esquire to Richard II (bearing lance) for Coventry and at the same time worked as a self-employed electrician. It is rumoured that one of the things that the ref blows up for offside and the involved in the Peasants' Revolt. clinched his move to Forest for £240,000 director switches to a picture of the was that he was prepared to rewire aforementioned lady referee’s assistant With news of rebellions in France and Cloughie’s house for a very keen price. pointing her flag across the field. Flanders, the start of the “European Spring” in today’s terminology, England Finally back on planet Sky football The Scribbler motorhome readied for insurrection. Tyler and other watchers are forced to endure a never- rebel leaders advocated the destruction ending beauty parade of aspiring, and For information members may wish to of the hierarchical feudal system. perspiring, well-scrubbed and smart know that I have got rid of my executive Contemporary chroniclers recorded suited football insiders, ex professionals motor caravan and just before Christmas harsh and often unfounded criticisms of and failed managers all, vying for the replaced it, and my car, with a micro the rebels but given that they belonged lucrative contracts abandoned by the motor caravan based on a Fiat Fiorino. to the educated upper classes, who “lady referee’s assistant two”. On and Just so you will all recognise it at future were the targets of rebellion rather than on they drone, some only speaking ACES meetings here’s a recent picture. its supporters it is difficult to get an in clichés, some adopting the role of accurate sense of the actual aims and “players’ friend” and some the constantly Wat Tyler goals of the rebels. joking Jack-the-lad. The only thing that shuts them all up instantly is if The new vehicle had, by coincidence, its The rebels also had issues with the first outing at the ACES Eastern Branch Dukes of Lancaster, York and Gloucester Spring Meeting, summarised elsewhere governed in the name of Richard II who in this issue. We had to travel to the was only 14 at the time of the rebellion. Deep South for this meeting, namely The rebels held that the Dukes were Wat Tyler Country Park Basildon. The traitors to the King and undermined Park extends to 125 acres, and is a small his authority. The final straw was the part of Pitsea Marshes, and the location imposition of a poll tax of three groats, was described by Steve Prewer, Open which outraged the people because it Spaces Project Development Manager, was the same for rich and poor. Basildon BC, who gave us a talk on the origins, development and purpose of Tyler led the Peasants’ Revolt, a mixed the Country Park, as “a glacial non- group of simple peasants and village conformity on a sea of alluvium.” craftsmen and tradesmen in taking Canterbury, before advancing to But who was Wat Tyler? Knowledge of Blackheath, outside London. Tyler his early life is limited and derives mostly then entered the city of London at through the records of his enemies, the head of a group estimated at as is everything else we know about numbering over 50,000. After crossing him. Historians believe he was born in London Bridge without resistance, Essex, but are not sure why he crossed the rebels then gained entry to the the Thames to Kent. However he was Tower of London and captured the

86 THE SCRIBBLER unpopular Archbishop of Canterbury, The site of the Country Park had interesting photographs, was fraught before proceeding to behead him and many earlier uses including, due to with difficulties and misunderstandings, several of his followers. The rebels also its isolated and undeveloped nature, mainly because although the Beatles destroyed the Savoy Palace during the location of a newly developing knew who the boxer was Ali had no subsequent rioting and killed the King's Gun Cotton Industry. This shows the idea who the Beatles were. The punch uncle. Richard of Wallingford presented thoughtful nature of the people of line, pardon the pun, was delivered by a charter to King Richard II on behalf of Essex because when Suffolk’s Gun Muhammad Ali to his minders after Tyler. The King met the rebel army at Cotton industry was founded it was leaving the meeting and it was, “Tell me Mile End and promised to address the located near to the centre of the quiet again, who were those 4 sissy boys we people's grievances, which included the market town of Stowmarket. Inevitably just met?” unpopular taxes. when an accident occurred and a massive explosion devastating the By coincidence a few weeks after Twenty thousand people assembled at Gun Cotton Works it took a big part of hearing that programme I saw a news Smithfield. Richard II agreed to meet the the town with it. film clip of Sir Paul at some formal leaders of the revolt, and listen to their presentation; and I think it was this demands. Wat Tyler decided to ride out Sir Paul McCartney that began my change of mind. In the alone and parley with the King. What audience was Muhammad Ali looking, was said between Wat Tyler and the King I’ve never really liked this particular as usual, and tragically, completely is largely conjecture and little is known Beatle and I’m not sure why. Perhaps non-plussed and when Sir Paul came of the exact details of the encounter; it’s because he failed to turn up to an to the end of whatever he was talking however, by all accounts the unarmed arranged meeting on a Boxing Day years about he looked Muhammad in the Tyler was attacked without warning and ago but it’s probably due to seeing him eye and reminded him of that meeting. killed by the Lord Mayor of London, Sir turn up to his knighthood investiture in There was a glimmer of remembrance. William Walworth and John Cavendish, gym shoes. “Do you know,” Paul went on, “although a member of the King's group. This you were World Champ at the time we unprovoked betrayal of the truce flag About a year ago I listened to a radio were young and fit and could have taken and Tyler's killing threw the people documentary programme about a you down.” Muhammad responded into a panic. Not being organized as a famous meeting between the Beatles with a slight shake of the head, and military force, they broke and began to and Muhammad Ali, both at the a smirk, and then a genuine smile of flee for their lives. height of their fame. The meeting, understanding. held primarily to generate some

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 17, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2012

More Macca is a man identified as Brian Wilson’s High Finally one little story about our other School teacher of musical composition. Knightly Ancient Rocker Sir Mick Jagger. I missed the Beach Boys first time round He is talking about one of the original Backstage somewhere Sir Mick and only to rediscover them a year or so hits, “Be True to your School.” He explains George Melly came round a corner from ago. If you want to experience both the has set his class an exam task of writing opposite directions and had a close nostalgic videos and the updated Beach a composition about their school. Brian up head to head confrontation. Then Boys experience, keep an eye on the SKY wrote the aforementioned number and ensued the following dialogue: Arts channel where they are re-shown somewhat mournfully the teacher says, regularly or buy The Beach Boys: Stars “I gave the song a B minus, and Brian George: "Crikey Mick, what a lot of and Stripes CD; mind-blowing! made a million dollars out of it.” wrinkles and crinkles you've got."

Macca was giving yet another speech, this time at a function where Brian Wilson was being inducted into some Hall of Fame. He said some very nice things about his work then said; “One of the reasons you deserve this honour is that when we listen carefully to your lyrics it makes us cry.” And do you know he is right.

I must also mention one little cameo within one of the Beach Boys films that is regularly shown on SKY ARTS. Speaking 87 THE SCRIBBLER Mick: "They are not wrinkles George, you were seeing on the screen.” Why is it name escapes me at the moment, did they're laughter lines." that the BBC holds us in such contempt, his party piece - 2 colleagues would just like the bankers, the journalists, gently lower one of these big sacks from George: "Mick, nothing could be that politicians on the fiddle, etc etc etc etc the lorry onto his back and he would funny." etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc walk to the store with it getting lower etc etc……………. and lower as he went. No one else tried An apology it, and in case you think he was some Work III sort of athlete I have to say that he was Since writing the last piece I have the weediest person in the whole gang. been struck down by some dreadfully Thoughts of a summer holiday job inconvenient illness, which has confined began to loom large at my school His other party piece took place me to home, thus missing, amongst towards the end of the Lower 6th year. immediately after we finished our other things, a much anticipated trip There were 2 options in my area, where lunchtime sandwiches which we to Barnsley. It has also caused a severe employers were able to handle unskilled partook in our dedicated underground sense of humour failure, hence the and totally inexperienced short-term concrete bunker refreshment facility. somewhat curtailed column this time. workers. These were the bread factory or He would draw out of his pocket a tin the glass bottle factory, both situated in box wrapped in an old bit of towelling. Although I am now on the mend my Rotherham, a short bus ride from home. The box looked like it might contain a low point occurred at about the time travelling geometry set but he opened of the Thames Jubilee Pageant. Hoping I went for the glass bottles and had no it up to reveal an impressive glass and for some diversion I draped myself trouble getting hired and reported for chrome syringe and proceeded to languidly on the settee in front of the TV work bright and early the next Monday give himself an insulin injection, as he in preparation for a whole day’s viewing. morning in my brand new TUF boots was actually a diabetic. Then he would As the day progressed my jaw dropped and old clothes. The firm was Beatson hitch up his shirt at the front and check further and further and I could not and Clarke and I think they are still out the bandage around his middle. believe what I was seeing. in business. They specialised in small He constantly bled profusely from his medicine bottles and the like and every belly button, probably due to his sack How we all sniggered when the North time I get hold of such a bottle, even carrying exploits, and sometimes the Koreans, after the death of their Great today, I turn it over to see what trade bandage needed renewing or adjusting. Leader, were able to put group after mark is underneath. And more often [Thanks for that, Scribbler! Editor]. group of citizens in front of the TV than not it is a Beatson and Clarke cameras, each clutching an identical double arrow looking like an early That then signalled an end to our break national flag, and seemingly the ability prototype design of the British Rail logo. and so back to work. to cry on order. Try it for yourselves.

Clearly the BBC was impressed as the I was allocated to the “yard gang” whose coverage of the Pageant was liberally duties were mainly ensuring that all raw interspersed with similar performances. materials were unloaded from whatever Time after time the coverage would cut transport brought them and stored to some “TV personality” or other, placed ready for use in the factory. And the first in front of a small drenched group job was to tackle 3 railway wagons of of British citizens, each clutching an sand that had been run into the firm’s identical national flag, with the objective private siding overnight. These were of conveying delirious excitement as unloaded, with a shovel, into industrial they listened to the sparkling repartee wheelbarrows that had 2 wheels and delivered about official Jubilee logoed a tipping mechanism, but could be sick bags or whatever. But they could handled by one person. The sand was not even organise that, as every time transferred to a concrete bunker. the presenter would launch into his or her piece, the backing group would As you might imagine sand was the remain looking drenched, cold and principal raw material but many other disinterested until, and far too late, told ingredients, mainly colouring agents, to do otherwise. arrived by lorry in 1cwt sacks, apart from sodium carbonate, I think it was, which Clearly the day’s strap line was: “Don’t came in much bigger hessian sacks. This mention the boats!” stuff got everywhere and would get into any cut or graze and sting like hell. As the BBC spokesperson said later: “We didn’t think you could take in a lot of The sacks were moved with sack barrows detailed information about the boats except for when the charge hand, whose

88 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 17, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2012

Higgs boson made the middle of the night. It was only a seemed mean-spirited and tawdry interesting severe bout of insomnia, brought about with a noticeable lack of any personal by damaged rib ligaments, that made commitment whatsoever. The Higgs boson or Higgs particle is me realise on the third day that this was an elementary particle in the Standard not so and the live programmes were on Resveratrol Model of particle physics. The Higgs during daylight hours. After that there boson is predicted to exist and is was no stopping me. On Monday 20 August 2012 the named after Peter Higgs who, along Telegraph published a news item on with two other teams, proposed the I should explain here that years of resveratrol under the heading “Red mechanism that suggested such a commuting from Essex along the old wine’s little miracle could keep you particle in 1964 and was the only one to Great Eastern line and passing that huge steady on your feet.” As I have been predict explicitly some of its theoretical area of dereliction at Stratford, now the taking this since 2007, this item caught properties. In mainstream media it is Olympic Park, had led me to believe my attention. often referred to as the "God particle". that Stratford was in another time zone The Higgs particle is a boson, which is as we nearly always arrived at Stratford It explains that a compound found in a type of particle that allows multiple on time, yet were very late at Liverpool red wine could improve your balance identical particles to exist in the same Street station only a couple of miles although it would take about 700 place in the same quantum state. It down the track. glasses of actual wine a day to achieve has no spin, electric charge, or colour the effect, although this level of intake charge. It is also very unstable, decaying The main events at the Olympic Stadium would probably exceed Government into other particles almost immediately. and the Velodrome were excellent norms. Apparently when the active although how the officials failed to spot ingredient was fed to mice it helped In an attempt to prove the existence that the leading competitor in one of older mice improve their balance of the Higgs boson, CERN has been the cycling events was using a moped is and mobility and so the scientists are conducting experiments first of all beyond me. now suggesting that the addition of with the Synchro-Cyclotron, a particle resveratrol to the diets of “our ageing accelerator with a circumference of What interests me about these population” could improve balance and 50 feet and currently with the Large international events is how the walking and reduce falls. Hadron Collider (LHC) built in 2008 with commentators and competitors describe a circumference of 27 miles and at a cost what is going on. Over the first few I think some of our so called ageing of £3 billion. days there is usually a desperate search population would prefer a more for new superlatives and as soon as cautious approach and stick to the red The latest news from the LHC, and the something that sounds profound wine initially. reason for this explanatory piece, is that emerges, everyone uses it as often as the experiments already conducted possible. This time, taking the lead from Caister men never turn back may have (or presumably may not have) the 2011 BBC Sports Personality of the detected the Higgs boson, the particle Year, the favoured word was “amazin” In 1901 an inquest was held into the which may (or presumably may not) which roughly translated means “I have deaths of 9 Caister lifeboat men who actually exist. had a very expensive private education died during repeated attempts to put to with no expense spared but all I can say sea in atrocious conditions to go to the Such is the excitement that this news in response to any question is amazin.” aid of the crew of a stricken vessel. At has caused that CERN intends to shut this time lifeboats were little more than down the LHC for a two-year upgrade to Coming a close second, and this time sail assisted rowing boats. When the increase its power and plans are already lifted from SKY’s coverage of speedway, retired lifeboat coxswain James Haylett being made for a much more powerful was this response to any long rambling was giving evidence at the inquest “Super Collider” with a circumference of question so framed as to call for a the coroner asked why the crew had 50 miles. confirmatory OK from the interviewee. It persisted in their efforts to launch, his has to be delivered in a voice sounding reply, above, remains a legend in the Any further comment from me is like a very bad Bluebottle impression lifeboat world. unnecessary. and goes “Yerssss, [long pause] definitely.” The Beatles 50 years on London 2012 Nonetheless all the coverage I saw was Apparently the 50th anniversary I had decided not to watch the Olympics exciting, genuine, well-mannered and of the entry of The Beatles into the this time on the basis that usually the respectful. In stark contrast to a football charts is upon us. The local media has live TV transmissions only take place in “showcase” event that followed that been seeking out Beatles stories so 89 THE SCRIBBLER “Don’t use that,” bellowed the Russian Colonel, “Pravda is what I use, it seems to draw the moisture out somehow.” Vaclav smiled, he knew he was being teased.

The colonel ate his veal and drank the whole of his lager in one go. “You don’t waste time,” said Vaclav. “I had one knocked over once,” the Colonel said and roared with laughter.

This one is from Canada. The first NASA astronauts quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. So their scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures here is mine which some readers may 5 minutes a scruffy looking individual ranging from below freezing to 300 remember seeing before. wandered across the yard and tapped degrees C. The Russians used a pencil. on the car window. “Meeting the Beatles: In the late 60s I And from Scotland. I want to die was “on the railway” working out from “Are you from Estates and Rating? peacefully in my sleep like my Kings Cross to the north and east. The He enquired, for this is what we were grandfather. Not screaming in terror like area I worked included a number of known as. his passengers. Hertfordshire towns including Ware. There was an empty goods shed in “ Yes.” Let’s be careful out there the station yard. Built solidly in brick in the 1860s it was massive with a vast “You here to meet The Beatles? A friend of mine (and and indeed of uninterrupted internal space with many of you too) had a routine blood wrought iron columns and all the “ Yes.” test in April. His doctor wanted to do period features. A bit of a pain then but the tests because, like many of us, he probably “highly sought after” now. It “Well hard luck mate they’re not takes statins. The tests came back with was also in remarkably good condition. coming.” a disconcertingly raised PSA (Prostate Specific Antigens) level above the Sometime before Christmas 1968 “Who says?” previous test taken two years earlier. So I received a number of intriguing he was sent for a prostate biopsy which phone calls from someone purporting “Their man phoned me at the Station confirmed he had prostate cancer. At to represent Apple and The Beatles. House. Said they went over to the end of August he had his prostate Eventually it was established that Amsterdam Christmas Eve and now have surgically removed and is hopeful that it these calls were genuine. In summary got better thing to do than meet you was caught early and will be resolved. The Beatles were planning another TV and look over that pig sty.” Special and were looking for a unique I tell you this because at no time did building in which to film it. They had And so my chance of fame and fortune our friend have ANY symptoms that been told about the Ware goods shed was gone.” anything was wrong, and indeed but for and was it available etc. Yes. OK John the blood test, he probably still wouldn’t and Paul would like to see it, was this A few jokes know. Indeed I have had over the past possible? Yes. The only snag was that the 5 years 2 forms of cancer confirmed in only day they had available was Boxing This is one of my favourite one liners the similar circumstances ie no symptoms Day. Could I be available? Certainly. origins of which were a mystery to me or pain or discomfort experienced at all, until a friend pointed out where it had that is until I met the surgeon. I was living over in Bishops Stortford come from. I will reveal the source, a well- at the time and could borrow a car for known 60s spy story, in the next issue. I am telling you this, because please all of the trip over. I remembered to take the you men readers go to your GP and ask keys home with me and Boxing Day Vaclav, the Czech Officer is about to for a PSA blood test. If you are OK, there is dawned clear and bright with a vicious eat with the Russian KGB Colonel. They nothing lost and you have peace of mind, frost. Just in case of trouble on the road both have wet feet and Vaclav is stuffing but if by some chance you aren’t, it is I set off early and arrived at the goods the insides of his shoes with strips torn better to learn as early as possible! yard about 15 minutes early. After about from the local communist newspaper.

90 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 17, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2012/13

of cracking one-liners delivered with real professional panache, as one would expect from an old trouper, but the best quote in the piece is from an unlikely source, Malcolm Rifkind: You realise you’re no longer in government when you get in the back of your car and it doesn’t go anywhere.

Le Tour

Presumably “everything” now being said about Lance Armstrong is true, or at least remembering the outpourings that followed the downfall of Robert Maxwell, “most things,” but 2 thoughts occur to me. Firstly as a winner of 7 Tours, or whatever it was, and Funeral in Berlin has wiped out my profits for the past innumerable stages, he must have been 10 years. one of the most drug tested competitors The answer to the question in the last in the world. Why was nothing ever edition is as follows. I had one knocked This approach works for the £ discovered? And secondly, bearing in over once the Colonel said and roared multimillion liability of the global mind he seems to have been shopped with laughter appears in Len Deighton’s businesses so it ought to work for my 2 by most of his “friends” or former third novel, Secret File Number 3, pennuth; shouldn’t it? teammates, it illustrates the old maxim Funeral in Berlin. As yet the “hero” of the of treating contacts reasonably on the 3 volumes is unnamed and the Colonel Quotes way up or inevitably they will get their is Colonel Stok of Red Army Security own back on your way down. who goes on to appear in later novels, as I was reading a column in the Telegraph does the unnamed hero. the other day by Michael Deacon; not But now we have, at last, an English his usual Parliamentary Sketch column winner, Bradley Wiggins, plus his Tax but a sort of a review of the newly Olympic successes; and someone who published Dictionary of Humorous looks to be a far more down to earth After 10 years of self-assessment I now Political Quotations, Editor Fred Metcalf, character than most other competitors realise I have been doing it all wrong. publishers Biteback. He made the point in any sport. Let’s hope it is the start of a The usual routine is that after the end of that although England’s finest political new era for this event. the financial year I give my accountant wit was without question Sir Winston full details of all my income and Churchill: An appeaser is one who feeds Redundancy payments expenditures from which he calculates a crocodile hoping it will eat him last, my liability to tax and agrees his what really caught his eye first were his Chelsea Football Club has fired about 9 calculation with HMRC. own quotes, 15 of them to be precise. He Managers in recent years at a total cost only quoted one of his own, a heartless of something like £100 m apparently. I now realise that I should stop the and unjust slur about Gordon Brown So it’s hard to feel too sorry for the process when my accountant assesses looking like a bad-tempered wardrobe somewhat shabby treatment meted out liability at which point I let HMRC in a suit. to Roberto as it looks like he will pick know that I might be prepared to offer up a substantial pay-off. As my football something and can we negotiate? I Other quoted quotes include Clement insider Kev comments: by 2025 we’ll all could offer to buy the Tax Inspector Freud calling Mrs Thatcher Attila be no more than 20 yards from an ex a cup of coffee and a bacon roll at the Hen and one from Mrs Thatcher Chelsea Football Manager. the Burger Van on Bury market to herself: The problem with socialism is sweeten the pill. Alternatively I could that eventually you run out of other Chelsea has almost inexhaustible funds say that I have no liability to tax as my people’s money. to spend as it likes, and why not? It IT equipment is funded by a loan from seems to be as profligate as the BBC, my daughter in the Cayman Islands at He doesn’t mention President Ronald which, on the other hand, does it with such an horrific rate of interest that it Reagan, who had a never ending supply our money. I do not want to satirise the

91 THE SCRIBBLER organisation’s latest incompetencies, it’s The venue was the new state of the 1974 World Cup qualifier with Poland like shooting fish in a barrel, but apart art National Stadium. There was a where a defeat cost England its World from doubling up on legal obligation sliding roof but this remained open Cup place. I remember the match well. payments, apparently the BBC tradition throughout. Apparently the ref had Brian Clough, as the commentary team’s is that when someone is leaving, ventured out about 30 minutes ago expert, pronounced the Polish goalie to the event is usually marked with an and gone through the motions of be a boxer in football boots. Of course expensive gift and often a good dinner dropping the ball onto the pitch in order he then had a phenomenal game and somewhere for the leaver and his close to demonstrate its unplayability. Since kept a clean sheet. The final irony came colleagues. And it is not usual to fund then no groundsmen had appeared, late in the game when Poland brought these matters by way of a whip-round the roof remained open and the team the ball down their left wing in a surprise amongst those involved but the practice had clearly run out of things to say. The and swift counter attack. Our goal was is to use BBC departmental funds, i.e. our ref appeared again at kick off time and protected by the presence of Sir Norman money. went through the same pantomime. He Hunter who surprised us all by not only let it be known that he would make a missing the ball but the player too. Football notes further inspection in 30 minutes time Poland scored; England lost. and unless the situation improved the An evening in Warsaw game would not take place. As the rain Racism continued to fall in biblical proportions On Tuesday 16 October I turned on ITV and no one was doing anything at all, in Recently John Terry was belatedly found just before 8pm, the advertised kick effect the match was already postponed. guilty of racism by the FA. The video off time for the international Poland v shows an exchange of views during England. When this was communicated to the a match, a fairly short outburst from crowd there was no reaction which JT and a much longer response by his The team of Adrian Chiles and 3 “experts” immediately suggested that the interlocutor. The FA judgement gave did not look happy. In fact they looked postponement was acceptable to no details; but it would help us all if it like rabbits caught in headlights. It Poland as it would mean that their star did. For example what word or words soon transpired that there was little player’s ban would expire and he could did JT use that were so unacceptable? chance of the game being played. It play after all. And could we have a note of the many, had been raining very heavily and many words used in response that were the pitch was already waterlogged. This all brought back memories of the deemed to be “acceptable”?

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 18, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2013 The Kid from Red Bank

Born in 1904, in Red Bank New Jersey, The Kid and his big band spent 60 successful years on the road; he must have something to tell us about management?

I saw him and his band at the Sheffield City Hall on 2 November 1957 and lashed out 5 shillings on a balcony seat. I can still remember some of the evening. Although his long time rhythm section of Joey Jones on drums, Walter Page bass and Freddie Green on acoustic guitar was widely regarded as the best ever anywhere Sonny Payne had taken over the drum kit by the time the band reached Sheffield and it is his magnificent, energetic and loud work I remember most. The band vocalist was Joe Williams but I always preferred his predecessor Jimmy Rushing who, by coincidence, turned up at Sheffield almost exactly a year later.

92 THE SCRIBBLER Just in case anyone out there has lived A gritty problem evidence of origins and production with under a rock for the past half century I the beef carcase. Apparently a similar am of course talking about Count Basie Every year, after a really bad spell of winter system has been set up for horses but, or the Jump King of Swing. weather, the media interview motorists so I hear, it is a laughing stock and seldom who have been held up, and always one complied with. So what can a man who successfully led of them will assert; They never bothered a group of 16 to 20 highly talented and to send out the gritters, and that’s why Some argue that there is no problem individualistic artists out on the road for we were held up. Whereupon the media anyway as horseflesh is quite palatable more than 60 years? then turn on the hapless character who and we should not be afraid of eating it, is in charge of winter maintenance and although when they say we I rather think First his key word was simplicity. His attempt to wring out a confession that they mean you! However that is not own piano playing style demonstrated indeed no gritting took place. Despite my problem as I don’t eat beef, or so I this. He left out more than some people what is said the impression is always have recently learned. But the difficulty play was one comment from an eminent left that, as usual, the incompetent local is that, with the best will in the world, former sideman and he could play authority fails again. horseflesh is not being introduced as just one note and make it swing was an expensive flavour enhancer but another. This all sounds like one of the I would advocate an alternative as cheap filler. And although testing basic principles of those management approach and imagine the following seems to have been mainly confined to gurus of the 70s, Peters and Waterman dialogue would take place. horseflesh, and occasionally pork, what (or was it Peters and Lee?) i.e. stick to the else could be lurking in the cheap end knitting from In Search of Excellence. Local Media TV Reporter. “Yet again of the beef products market? Dead zoo motorists have been stranded overnight animals, dromedary giblets, road kill, Secondly the band style was to play in a blizzard that dumped 30 centimetres, or whatever can be pressure-hosed off together and all pull in the same or to put it in context 12 inches, of snow the front of TGV or Eurostar trains? What direction. Sound familiar? In rehearsing on the motorway and have had to survive might be uncovered if the testing for new stuff if something wasn’t quite gale force winds and temperatures about adulterations was widened? right he would merely look at whichever 10 degrees below zero. I put it to you that section was at fault and did not need to you failed to send out the gritters and And finally the most pompous quote say anything directly because, as he put that had the motorway been gritted then on the problem. I always understood it himself, I knew what they are thinking no one would have been stranded. Did that those without the resources to and they knew that I knew and I knew you send out the gritters?” supermarket shop in the normal way, that they knew that I knew. A policy of those we used to refer to as the poor, self-correction. Winter Maintenance Chief. (Adopts a were in some way allowed access to out look of total astonishment and slaps his of date products either directly from And if he really needed to offer words of head.) “We need you on our team. We had a designated skip at the supermarket advice to an individual musician, he did been tracking the incoming storm for 48 or these products were delivered it in such a way that the rest of the group hours. We were aware of its likely severity. directly to charity-run shelters. Having were unaware of what was going on. And that it was likely to hit us in the early spent weeks assuring us that there was One great example of such advice was hours of the 20th. So I called in the whole no actual harm likely to occur from in relation to a trombone solo where he team for 10pm on the 19th and there we consuming the horseflesh contaminated told the musician, there is no need to all were surrounded by about 100 tons products that were now being removed demonstrate all your ideas in the first of salt and all these huge yellow lorries from supermarket shelves, when solo; save some for later. with snow ploughs on the front and, do asked if they would be passed on to you know, not one of us could remember the aforesaid poor the spokesperson And did this all work? Well in a TV why we were there. We just sat around appeared to be shocked and said No biography he was asked how he drinking tea, had a few games of snooker as that would stigmatise the poor as wanted to be remembered he said 2 then called it a day and went home. That’s second class citizens! words - Nice Guy. In the programme why we need you on the team. You could many illustrious sidemen, rival have put us straight. I’ll tell you what, give Work IV bandleaders and business associates me your phone number, and next time we were interviewed but no one had a bad have a similar forecast, you can come in After Beatson and Clarke I opted to go word to say about him. And he kept the and make sure we send out the gritters.” closer to home for my next 2 summer band on the road. Although he bought a jobs and was able, through my father’s house in the Bahamas in the 70s he did What’s the beef? connections, to get a temporary job at not spend a lot of time there but carried the local pit, which, traditionally, never on touring even though in the end he Remember the BSE crisis when Europe fell took on temporary workers. was a very sick man. He died in 1984. over itself to ban exports of British beef for fear of eating something contaminated? I was taken on as a labourer in the The outcome was an extremely fitter’s shop under the following non- complicated system of linking written negotiable conditions 93 THE SCRIBBLER Hours were 6am to 2pm, known as Days worked at where everyone finishing seem to have adopted the social services their shift was allowed to lurk near to the role. So when they come across someone The pit-head baths system to be used clock whilst one person was allowed to utterly incapable of looking after themselves stand at the clock repeatedly stamping through drink their overriding duty is not to Union membership was compulsory, his card until the time of 2.00 registered; arrest but to see them safely home. all done through the pay system, so, then it was every man for himself. technically, for 2 periods of 6 weeks I was And should anyone be arrested, from my a member of the NUM. And what were the fitters’ duties? These viewing of the numerous fly on the wall included fabricating and erecting any series now on TV, the arrested person can ask Initially, getting up was no problem, and metallic artefacts needed on site or below at any time for an ambulance to take them to it was only a 10 minute walk to work, but ground; and repairing or maintaining the A&E. No wonder the 91 year old war veteran, trying to stay awake in the afternoon same. And repairing or maintaining any locally, who had the misfortune to cut his and evening was a trial. This was machinery used on site or below ground. head open pretty badly on a Saturday night essential to ensure a sound night’s sleep. I was put to work with Les Bilton whose had to be taken to hospital by his family and main job was the repair and maintenance then sat around in A&E for 4 hours with no The pit-head baths system may not be of coal cutting machinery. treatment whatsoever before his family took immediately familiar to everyone. The him home again. building had a clean side, where you went I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed in with your street clothes, and a dirty my time with the fitters who also taught There is a link with the beef piece side, used when dressed in work clothes. me how to use most of the machine however. No one now is confident about The process was having gained access tools in the shop except the lathes. eating cheap burgers any more for fear through the clean door, with your street that they probably contain horse-flesh clothes, lunch container (snap tin), drinks Mister Ed or horse-manure as I call it when I read bottle (the most common was a empty it to myself. However few are similarly Tizer bottle, as it had a screw cap, filled When Ed Milliband was first introduced reticent about drinking, or pre-loading with cold tea; yuk!) and dry towel, you to the general public after his election to use the technical term, very cheap changed out of your street attire and left as Leader of the Labour Party I must supermarket cider before an evening it all in your numbered locker then walked admit I was caught in 2 minds. This first out, even though everyone knows that it through to the dirty side, found your interview took place on the steps of his contains 50% horse-p*ss. similarly numbered locker containing work London residence where he appeared in clothes, changed into those then walked his 3 button, one size too small business A joke out into the pit yard and clocked-in. suit. On seeing this I wondered whether we were looking at a reincarnation of Simon Hoggart, in a recent Guardian The unwritten, but always observed, Norman Wisdom (knockabout humour) column, said that last week he recently main rules of conduct were as follows. or Alexei Sayle (hard edged, biting wrote about the way jokes spin down left wing satire). In the event neither the generations and as an illustration ll Sitting down was not permitted option has materialised. But what we recalled this one which he said he had except during the 2 designated have is a perfectly written and perfectly first heard around 30 years ago. break periods and then only on delivered one-liner worthy of the most the forms either side of the metal accomplished stand-up comedian of A hungry chap sees a sign in a pub snap table within the shop. any era as witnessed by this question window, “a pie, a pint and a friendly to the PM on 14/03/2013. In the light word - £3”. Inside the barmaid serves ll If a trip outside the shop was of his U-turn on alcohol pricing could him the pint and the pie. “Just a minute,” called for something had to be the Prime Minister tell us, is there any he says, “where’s my friendly word?” “She carried in order to demonstrate activity he could organise in a brewery? says, “Don’t eat the pie.” the nature of the errand. It brought the House down! I heard the Yorkshire version about 50 The shop foreman seldom ventured into years ago. the shop but had he done so, and seen The alcohol problem anyone contravening the above first A hungry chap goes into a pub and sees rule this would probably have resulted The argument goes that if the price of cheap this sign “a pie, a pint and sleep with in dismissal. Indeed the staff were said booze is increased it will cut out the late the barmaid for £3”. The landlord greets to police this rule themselves and the night mayhem in city centres, defined as him and the hungry chap notices an story was often told of the fitter who public drunkenness, fighting in the streets absolutely stunning barmaid serving in was having a nap during work time with and the deliberate damaging of public the other bar. The landlord points to the his hob nailed boots on the metal table, and private property. What the politicians sign, and with a faint nod in the direction who woke up to find his boots, with his and assorted do-gooders seem to forget of the barmaid asks, “Are you interested?” feet inside them, welded to the table. is that all these are criminal acts and police He got the following curmudgeonly The second rule was waived at clocking- should be asked/required to deal with reply, “What sort of pie is it?” out time. This was the only place I ever them accordingly. But currently the police

94 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 18, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2013 Entente cordiale

Apparently so many French footballers have ended up in Newcastle that the manager, Alan Pardew, is now often referred to as Alain De Pardew, pronounced Alain Depardieu. And possibly he has become a relation of Gerard Depardieu, the famous Belgian.

I cannot understand why so many French players have ended up in the north east. But, according to my football insider Kev, they are all attracted by the genteel and artistic environment of the area and the burgeoning café society of Tyneside and Wearside.

Whatever, it seems to work for the disastrous effect of his news i.e. my Trouble at t’mill Newcastle. favourite wine, unobtainable in England, always relied on stocking up here, I was recently given a most interesting Faugéres possibly my last trip, etc etc. book about the history of a local water mill. The original mill was built almost a Continuing with the French theme, at He listened to my outburst with a very thousand years ago, some years before one time I was very partial to Faugéres, straight face then bowing his head the Norman Conquest, and its successor a robust red wine from south west slightly he looked me straight in the still stands on the same site today – as a France. Years ago when I visited the eye and said, “Je suis desollé monsieur” working water mill. country regularly it could be readily a reply which, in the circumstances, sourced from any big supermarket. dealt with the situation in a completely The mill remained in continuous However, more recently, I took to picking acceptable manner. commercial use until the early 70s when up my supplies on the way home in the outgoing miller closed down in one of the industrial warehouse type Vin rouge business and sought to make the most establishments that cluster around of his remaining asset, the mill building, Calais docks. I have changed my campervan by obtaining a planning consent for recently so there is no point, at the residential conversion. On my last visit, a few years ago next national meeting, in looking for now, I diligently searched my chosen the snow covered silver one featured At this point the Director of the local warehouse but without success and so in this column in 2012 Spring Terrier. preservation society and the Borough went to seek guidance from Le Patron. It is another unique Wheelhome, Fiat Planning Officer jointly began to It is at times like this that the grammar based, model similar to the silver one investigate ways and means of securing school French, unused for 3 or4 decades, but slightly longer, wider and higher. It is the future preservation of the building immediately resurfaces. coloured Fiat red; a real fire engine red.

“Bonjour monsieur,” I began, always a I have christened the vehicle “vin rouge.” good opening, “avez vous du vin qui s’appelle Faugéres?” Realising he was It is a 3 berth although there are only being addressed by a fluent linguist 2 seats for travelling. The picture he responded volubly in his own shows the vehicle in “on site” mode language to the effect that there had and of course the roof hinges down for been a sudden run on this wine that travelling. Inside there are 2 diesel fired had cleared out his stock and indeed, hot plates for cooking, a fridge and a he showed me an empty space where sink unit. There is also a secret feature the wine had been on display. Although that, I think, in future years, will become I could understand his French quite standard. I cannot say too much at this well, I felt the need to revert to my own stage but the following picture gives the language in order to properly convey game away. 95 THE SCRIBBLER as a working unit without denying possibly key role here and, to a certain operations and the milling process. the owner the opportunity to dispose extent, so had I. For example it is very important to satisfactorily of his asset. I was brought deliver the right amount of grain to the in, as the Suffolk County property man, However the book, written form the grindstones. Too little and friction could to advise on valuation matters. point of view of the people who worked cause the stones to heat up and ignite on the practicalities of restoring the the flour dust-laden atmosphere in Looking back at my work diary of the structure and mechanisms of the mill, the mill; too much will clog up the gap time I see that the 3 of us met quite see it otherwise. The thousand-year between the stones and then they will often over a period of 12 months in history is well documented but the “grind to a halt.” order to discuss the way forward. Director is only given one name check Eventually, after a lengthy Planning and a few lines; the Borough Planning And there is a delightful quote from a Enquiry, at which I gave evidence, an Officer gets no name check and his 16th century book on healthy living. At acceptable solution was found and authority’s name is rendered incorrectly; that time the milling process produced ownership passed to the preservation and neither I, nor valuation matters, are a heavy brown bread that had “much society and the future of the working mentioned at all! branne that fylleth the belly with water mill was assured. excrements and shortly descendeth It is probably a useful lesson to all of us from the stomacke.” As someone who The reason for giving you all this detail in the public service to see that what we can now only eat rye bread, which is is to highlight the different perspectives regard as key involvements are not so very similar to the 16th century brown of the parties involved. Looking back regarded by the wider public. bread, I can only say that that quote I thought that the local preservation rings very true 500 years on! society Director, the Borough Planning The book is a good read particularly Officer had played an important and on the technicalities of water mill

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 18, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2013

Faugéres village about 4 miles north of Lowestoft. latter being photo shopped with added Apart from its modern prison, the high security fences and watch towers. In the last edition I forgot to say what village has little else to offer apart from prompted me to write about Faugéres at a mention in the Charles Dickens novel, Photos of Blundeston look quite like this time. Well out of the blue I saw the David Copperfield. this and I wonder if Wayne fancies name mentioned in the weekly advert the challenge of taking on the former of my local Waitrose and I thought, “I’m Do you remember Wayne Hemingway prison and turning it into some lovely having some of that!” But I couldn’t find MBE who spoke so entertainingly at and loveable flat development after it on the shelves anywhere and had to the ACES Annual Meeting of 2012 removing the high fencing and other ask the wine-man for help. It took us and contributed a piece called Town security features? quite a time to locate it during which I Centres Now in 2013 Spring edition of told him the tale of my long unrequited the Terrier? In that article he imagined Heathrow love for this particular wine. a modern flat development as a prison with before and after photographs, the The good old BBC can always locate So when he spotted me the following week he was agog to discover how I had got on. “Tell me,” I said, “have you ever come across some young lady you were very sweet on 20 years or so ago and then spent the evening together for old time’s sake?” He nodded. “And how did you feel during and after that evening?” I asked. “Disappointed,” he replied, “we had all moved on.”

“Exactly,” was my response.

Blundeston Prison

It has just been announced that Blundeston Prison is to close before the end of this year. Blundeston is a small Artist’s impression

96 THE SCRIBBLER the right member of the public to I thought, all my fantasies have come in Bert Trautmann died in July this year. back up its corporate view of a news at the same time; is it my birthday? [Ed – According to my copy of Football item. This item was the possibility of I’ll let this one pass!] Parade, Presented by Stanley Matthews, expanding Heathrow by the addition of Christmas 1951 edition, Bert was a a further runway in order to provide the Apart from that I thought it was an regular member of the Manchester City estimated additional capacity to satisfy excellent evening. Perhaps it was League Division One team in the 1950s. an assumed ever increasing demand because a woman was conducting for At this time this was the topflight. Bert for air travel. Cut therefore to a man- the first time since the proms began was a German ex paratrooper who in-the-street, or it might have been a in1895 but the Promenaders were much fought on the Russian front and later in woman, I can’t remember, standing in less jingoistic than usual, the featured the Ardennes and at Arnhem before his a street of rather plain semis, facing the singer, mezzo soprano Joyce DiDonato, capture by the British Army and transfer camera. Before any speaking takes place, sang like an angel and violinist Nigel to a POW Camp in the northwest. His Vox Pop is the technical term; a jumbo Kennedy just played his violin and football career started with his POW jet appears stage right at an altitude resisted the temptation to treat us to Camp team before moving to amateur of about 50 feet, flies across the frame another demonstration of his “mockney.” football and then to Manchester City. before disappearing behind the gable He never left the northwest and retired end of one of the semis. Health at the age of 42. He had 2 unique claims to fame: It is a location we know well and the I have never been to Glastonbury and usual scenario is, “Heathrow should feel that at my age the prospect of a visit ll He played in the 1956 Cup Final, be closed as all this makes living here is now beyond my physical capabilities, broke his neck tackling an oppos- intolerable,” or “Heathrow should buy given the need to live in a field for the ing forward but played on! up our houses and let us all move on to duration, the possibility of inclement somewhere more salubrious.” However weather and the medieval toilets. I did ll He is the only footballer to have this time, and with a completely straight however watch the best bits on TV been awarded the Iron Cross, an face, the message was, “The new runway including Mick Jagger who is, I discover, OBE and Footballer of the Year. proposed will require the acquisition a year younger than me. Clearly he must and demolition of our beautiful houses have adopted long ago a strict regime In contrast the other Bert, Bert Williams, and would be the end of our delightful of exercise and diet that allows him to was in the RAF during which time his neighbourhood.” reprise his singing and dancing and still football career began to take off. After be able to entertain 100,000 people and demobilisation he joined Watford then Last Night of the Proms keep them happy. Wolves. He played his first match for England in the Victory International I have watched this event on TV for I wish I had adopted a similar regime against France in May 1946 before nearly half a century and then just years ago too. As it is I remain haunted 60,000 excited Frenchmen in the missed the start as I had fallen fast by the words of Eubie Blake, the Colombes Stadium Paris. Oh hang on asleep during a preceding programme. American composer, songwriter and wasn’t that the game with Sly Stallone in These days, when I wake up, it takes a ragtime and jazz pianist who lived until goal and Pelé and half the Ipswich team minute or 2 for my vision to clear so the he was 100. He died in 1983. In his later against a German Army side? first thing I saw was a very blurry picture years he stated that, “If I’d known I was of the conductor, Marin Alsop, and in my going to live this long I’d have taken PPI befuddled state I thought I was seeing better care of myself.” Angela Merkel dressed in a Salvation Help, I think I’ve been mis-sold PPI; is Army uniform waving a big stick. Crikey, Two Berts there no-one out there who can help?

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 18, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2013/14

A tale of 2 goalies In order to clear his lines, Begovic, the The Stoke goalie, Boruc, (pronounced Southampton goalie, lustily booted the Borrux; yes weally) was rightly mortified The fastest Premier League goal this ball back up-field. A strong following by this and spent the remaining 44 season was scored on 2 November wind helped the ball on its way and it minutes and 47 seconds of the first 2013 in the fixture Stoke City v landed, first bounce, mid-way between half muttering his own name under his Southampton. The official time was 13 the half way line and the Stoke penalty breath in self admonishment; oh borrux, seconds. Stoke kicked off and after a area. Here physics took over and the ball borrux, borrux [Ed – I’ll let this one go!]. couple of passes going forward the ball bounced high and over the head of the eluded both defenders and on-rushing Stoke goalie who had wandered far from The Mediterranean diet forwards and bounced “harmlessly” the goal line. This bounce took it straight Artist’s impression into the Southampton penalty area. into the Stoke goal. This diet is currently making a comeback 97 THE SCRIBBLER as it has recently been identified as whole concept look rather attractive. football ought to be entertaining on of possible assistance in delaying or Consequently, despite my most valiant the pitch. He has been criticised for his avoiding the onset of dementia, a efforts, I was never able to reach the regular refusal to splash the cash when completely heartless disease that we will recommended red wine “target” though the transfer window was open instead all need to face up to eventually, should it was fun trying. preferring to rely on home produced we live that long. I first came across the talent brought on through Arsenal’s diet about 20 years ago and at that time I still follow the recommended version own youth programmes. Until the start it was also being heralded as a possible of this diet apart from the dairy products of this football year anyway when, miracle cure for something or other. for which I have substituted goats’ uncharacteristically he spent a few tens of cheese and soya based yoghurt. I have millions on the German star Mesut Ozul The Mediterranean diet is based on the to say that I feel much better for it. who has settled in remarkably well into traditional dietary patterns of Greece, the English Premier League scene. Ozul Spain and Southern Italy. Its principal Arsène Wenger OBE hadn’t put a foot wrong until recently aspects include a high consumption cracks a joke when, astonishingly, he missed a penalty; of olive oil, legumes, unrefined cereals, a most un-Germanic thing to do. fruits, and vegetables; moderate to Arsène Wenger is a French football high consumption of fish, moderate manager who is in charge of Premier When asked to comment on this during consumption of dairy products mostly League side Arsenal. He is the club's the post-match TV interview Wenger as cheese and yogurt, moderate to longest-serving manager and most adopted his most studious demeanour high consumption of spring water, one successful in terms of major titles and said, “Well, that’s good news for to one and a half litres per day was won, having led Arsenal to 11 trophies England.” (That was his joke by the way.) recommended, moderate red wine since 1996. Football pundits give consumption, and low consumption of Wenger credit for his contribution I thought he might have been at it again meat and meat products. to the revolutionising of football in during his post-match interview after England in the late 1990s through the the Manchester City v Arsenal fixture At the time I took up the diet I had only introduction of changes in the training in December when, in response to a heard about it via the radio and had and diet of players. question about his opposite number never seen it defined in print and the he said, “Well, Pellegrini is an offensive version I tried to follow became a little His nickname "Le Professeur" is used manager; as indeed am I.” This was said garbled. The mention of spring water by fans and the British media to reflect in his usual manner and I took it to be was overlooked and the recommended Wenger's studious demeanour. another joke; but now I’m not so sure. daily consumption of up to one and a half litres was transferred to the His approach to the game emphasises What do you think? red wine element, thus making the an attacking mentality, with the aim that

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 19, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2014

Work V stuff to last me until Christmas. To College, was only a 10-minute bus ride mark the importance of the occasion away, and I soon had the geography Fresh from my work with Beatson and I was accompanied on this stage of sussed. However it took a little longer, Clarke’s glass bottles and 2 stints at the journey by my father who had probably a week or 10 days, before I the local pit clearly it was time for a already given me a new wristwatch and became totally disillusioned. I could spot of higher education, particularly raincoat. Eventually I arrived at my digs not understand why there were no as my welcome at grammar school in Fallowfield having resolved never lectures on civil engineering or related was beginning to become rather thin. again to try and lug a very large and very topics. We did electrical engineering, Having considered very carefully all the heavy suitcase on and off 2 buses and a mechanical engineering and pure careers and further education advice train. physics and pure maths, the latter being made available to VIth formers, (in based, apparently, on the square root my case NIL), I had opted to read Civil My fellow lodgers were 2 Yorkshire lads, of minus one, a somewhat difficult Engineering at Manchester University. and a cockney, all new boys like me, concept to grasp for someone like me My reasoning was that I wanted to do plus a guy from Birmingham who was with only 3 maths A levels. I was not something practical and Manchester a second or third year medical student. happy. However I was happier having was a reasonably short trip across the He was always pi**ed and for years my found the Union building and I decided Pennines by electric train. nightmare was waking up at the scene to make the most of what I was already of some horrendous accident with him beginning to believe was likely to be a So off I went one bright October day, leaning over me asking how I felt. less than a 3 year stay by joining a few initially by bus to Sheffield, with a very societies. These were the Engineering large suit case packed with enough The University, or at least Owen’s Society, whose sole purpose seemed

98 THE SCRIBBLER to be to arrange Hot-Pot Suppers; the think tha would have lasted another to enclosure as there were staff to Industrial Society, visits to interesting couple of months anyway.” open and close the gates; unlike my industrial locations such as Longbridge; experience at a POW Museum I had and best of all the Manchester University John Terry recently visited where the main access Mountaineering Society with which I was controlled by a driver-operated went on a number of rock climbing trips On 19 January Chelsea hosted barrier with a height restriction. This to the Peak District. Manchester United at Stamford Bridge meant that when a high vehicle like and beat them soundly. Samuel Eto’o mine approached the barrier, a “Guard” But best of all I found the Union Bar and scored a hat trick; the first time ever appeared dressed up in WWII uniform proceeded, from day 1, to have lunch this had happened against the Reds. who then, rather insolently in my there. For the whole of year 1 my lunch In a radio interview after the match, opinion, gestured to an adjoining gate, was always the same, a pint of Watney’s involving John Terry and Samuel Eto’o, with no height restriction, and let me Draft Red Barrel and a pork pie. the reporter asked Samuel, “This is through. the first time ever that an opposing However all good things must come player has scored a hat trick against Meanwhile back at the Safari Park all to an end and I failed the year 1 termly Manchester United. How happy are you went well until the monkey enclosure. exams in spectacular fashion; my high to be the first player to do this?” His It was no problem getting in and the point being refused permission to leave answer was framed in 3 or 4 sentences inmates clearly liked my out-of-the- the exam hall until 30 minutes had of elegant, fluent French to which the ordinary vehicle as one small monkey expired. I tried to leave after 5 minutes reporter’s response was to say, “Oh immediately climbed aboard and sat having written all I could but had to dear I wasn’t expecting that. John, on the supporting arm of one of my wait. It was the Pure Maths exam and can you translate? How happy is he?” lorry size rear view mirrors rather like when I turned over the paper to start I Without missing a beat John explained, an unilluminated Michelin Man. And realised there was a problem; I could not “He says he’s very happy.” Yet another there he stayed until about 6 of his understand a word of it! unsuspected skill possessed by the mates accessed the roof whereupon he Chelsea Captain. joined them and, in some excitement, all My disillusionment was further enjoyed the ride and the unusually high enhanced by my vac job of junior civil I was reminded of this during the vantage point. engineer on a major site in Sheffield. In confrontation between Russia and terms of status and pay, this job was the Ukraine in March when a BBC reporter, Again all went well until I approached lowest of the low and rather insecure as standing on a deserted dockside the exit gate and a rather well built girl junior engineers could be told “As from somewhere in Ukraine, telling us that the appeared wielding a large yard brush. next Monday you will be working in Russians had blockaded several Ukraine Clearly one of her roles was to prevent West Hartlepool or West Africa.” And you ships, when an Ukrainian officer with inmates escaping and my escapees had would be expected to be packed and walkie-talkie appeared possibly heralding encountered this lady before and had ready to go. Not exactly my cup of tea. the imminent departure of the blockaded probably felt the weight of her yard ships. The reporter immediately asked brush. Anyway she clearly terrified the So when the termly results came out the officer if this was so and he replied at monkeys and in something of a panic shortly after finishing my agreed time length using the word “Blockadeski” and they all scrambled off the roof and away. on the vac job I was not surprised or many other words in his own language I was cleared to leave the enclosure, the concerned to see the word “FAIL” in which left us all none the wiser. And park and to go home. capital letters in my letter. The procedure possibly a scoop missed. laid out was that I had to satisfy Faculty Some days later I began to detect an Management of my continuing interest Where, I thought, is John Terry when you unusual pong in the vicinity of the van in becoming a civil engineer and resit need him? and on climbing the ladder in order the termly exam, and pass, before to peer over the roof I saw that the starting year 2. I duly returned to Worst work in the world monkeys had left copious traces of their Manchester to be interviewed by the panic stricken exit from the roof. It took Faculty Professor and the Head of the Some years ago I visited a Safari Park a few hours hard work with a hose pipe Civil Engineering Department and it in my motor caravan which at the time and stiff brush to clear it all up. soon became apparent to me that all was a fairly large Elddis with a big square 3 of us had little or no interest in the body. It had a flat reinforced roof that Planes outcome of the interview and I left the could be used to carry extra luggage or meeting on the understanding that I as a viewing platform. There was a fixed RAF Mildenhall in Suffolk is the USAF’s would be unlikely to return for the resit. ladder giving access to the roof which European Logistics Centre and home to had a low peripheral handrail for health its European Refuelling Wing and 1 or In telling my parents when I got home I and safety. 2 Special Operations Units. I live close didn’t get the reaction I was expecting. enough to see most of the flying but not All my father said was, “I’m glad tha not In driving round the park it was no close enough to feel that the next one going back. By the look of thee I don’t problem transiting from enclosure will take the tiles of the roof. 99 THE SCRIBBLER destination I can hear the pilot sounding I thought the auditions queue for off his hooter, one of those brass YM would have gone right round the trumpet units activated by squeezing block but no, just a guest column from an air bulb. As the plane stops there is Malcolm, with a nice picture to cut out a huge backfire, lots of smoke and the and frame. Mine has pride of place on pilot’s door falls off. Then a large boot the mantelpiece. It keeps the kids away emerges followed by the pilot dressed in from the fire. a lime green and yellow checked onesie and a very large bow tie that probably The last issue was full of references rotates. The pilot’s face will be made up to Cardiff and, by coincidence, I was mainly in white with the usual clown there only the week before the AGM The Osprey accoutrements and a red bulbous nose with that Diamond Fenland Geezer, the surmounted by an orange fright wig. real YM. It was the occasion of the last There is no fixed flying timetable STEPS Seminar of all time and County but there are lots of planes to see. However in undertaking special Hall Cardiff was the last stop on YM’s Mainly Boeing KC-135R Stratotankers, operations I am sure arrangements are Farewell Tour. Although his Betty ‘n AWACs (airborne warning and control), much more serious than my imaginings Bert Roadshow went like clockwork at Lockheed Hercules and various types of but I’ll wager it would severely unsettle Cambridge and Walsall, it nearly fell heavy lift transport aircraft. the opposition in, say, rescuing under at the last hurdle. Adrian James was fire a downed pilot in Taliban territory if introducing Betty’s pre-lunch spot whilst Recently a newcomer has joined the my scenario was tried. AYM was doing a last minute sound ranks, the Osprey. This unusual aircraft check on the laptop. As Adrian got to joins the Hercules in Special Operations, All our yesterdays “and here she is…” we both looked up namely “the insertion and extraction of and she had disappeared! Someone personnel.” The Osprey has 2 massive As this column is rapidly approaching its muttered, “Bl**dy hell, she’s b****red engines each with an oversize propeller 50th anniversary I wondered whether a off”, but all was well. She was actually mounted either side of the fuselage on reprint of some earlier columns might scrabbling round on the floor recovering short stubby wings. To achieve vertical be interesting otherwise I might be the contents of an upturned briefcase. flight, uniquely both engine units rotate tempted to take an earlier piece, give it a So Cardiff was saved and did not miss through 90 degrees. Having seen the quick tosh over and represent it as “new out on its share of GN11 Update and Osprey fly by, its oversize and slowly and original”. For example the following the valuation of social housing, or a rotating propellers present quite an appeared as the first few sentences of brilliant demonstration of the “Australian amusing picture. the new column in succession to the Position”. long standing column “Yesterday’s Man” I haven’t seen one land but in my as written by Dick Miller. YM’s organisational skill will be sadly imagination I am taken back to the missed. Come back YM, your profession circus clown’ s car and imagine a perfect “ALMOST YESTERDAYS MAN needs you.” landing and as the plane taxis to its

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 19, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2014

Educating Yorkshire In the 50s, education, in the mining area I was started at school at the tender age where I spent my formative years, was of 3. Our lunch comprised sandwiches This piece is about the above television seen as the only available escape route brought by ourselves following which programme and not an overly elaborate to a better life. Of course we pupils were we all lined up outside the main hall, lead into the punch line “Tha’ can allus unaware of this but our parents and where we were issued with a camp bed tell a Yorkshire man; but tha’ can’t tell the teaching staff and the education which we carried in, erected and then him much.” authority were all in on the conspiracy. slept the remaining lunch period away; a And to emphasise this, at every school facility which I have keenly missed ever Educating Yorkshire was a “fly-on- there would be a cast iron notice since. the-wall” documentary about a securely fixed either to the building or comprehensive school, the staff and a substantial metal post setting out do’s The only objective of the education pupils and how they all interacted. I and don’ts, but mainly don’ts, and all system was success in examination was very interested to see if things had signed “A. B. Clegg MA Chief Education results, and later on how many pupils changed in the decades since I had been Officer, West Riding of Yorkshire”; an gained places at either Oxford or subjected to educating Yorkshire; and early example of the reinforcement of Cambridge. To this end likely pupils were they had, substantially. brand awareness. accelerated through the system; though not always with complete success. For

100 THE SCRIBBLER example I leapfrogged one year pre-11+ Mr Burton went to great lengths to help made arrangements for the recovery only to spend 2 years in the last year of him but without success. As a last resort of his car, took on board his stuff for primary school and then at grammar he tried the solution used in the film transfer, then found a car hire place school I was leapfrogged over the fifth “The King’s Speech” in which to lessen willing to provide a replacement vehicle. year only to spend 2 years in the Upper the impact of King George VI’s speech The last we saw of the ex-para was him Sixth prior to going on to university. impediment his Aussie voice coach got driving off in the hire car to Hull. him to wear headphones through which The way the system was organised music was played as a distraction while At the end of the programme there was was that we pupils received education the King read from a prepared script. a very deadpan announcement telling provided by a munificent municipality After some experimentation Mr Burton us that he did in fact make the ferry and delivered by teachers who were and Musharraf got this to work and the at Hull and the start of his regimental clearly totally different. Neither the final scene in that episode involved reunion but, sadly, he had died after authority nor the teachers welcomed Musharraf giving a heartfelt speech of 3 weeks surrounded by his wartime questions or “participation”. To thanks to his fellow pupils. colleagues. emphasise their difference most teachers, mostly men, wore tweedy There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. The “N” word sports jackets complete with leather accoutrements; clothing that self- The ex-para The other day I came across a discussion respecting miners would object strongly in the Times, that is the Radio Times, to being buried in. On the subject of “There wasn’t a dry about the epic wartime black and white eye in the house” I caught this on TV at film The Dam Busters which had just Clearly there was seldom much real about 3am while waiting to feel tired been reshown on TV. The discussion contact between teachers and pupils. We again. was about an apparently serious project were all addressed by our surnames. As I to remake the film but this time in full recall parents were not made welcome. The motorway cops were alerted by colour. However there would be a need the emergency services dealing with to update the name of Guy Gibson’s As shown on TV the system had changed a minor collision on the M62. It was black labrador which is referred to by totally. Teachers and pupils were all on suggested that they ought to attend. name in the film in order to recognise the same side and participated in real how social sensibilities have changed conversations with each other. Pupils When they reached the scene they in the last half century or so. The dog’s had changed completely. While we found that a car had had a minor name is, of course, Ni***r. would not say boo to a goose, these collision with an HGV resulting in pupils had firmly held opinions and damage to the nearside front car Why leave it there as there are a feelings that they were not afraid of wheel and nearby bodywork. The HGV number of other updates that could be putting over in the strongest possible was undamaged and was sent on its deployed; for example: terms. The headmaster, Mr Mitchell, way. The car driver proved to be, after was a revelation. He strolled about lengthy questioning, a 90 year old ll A black labrador could be seen as the school corridors, sported designer ex-paratrooper on his way to an annual far too masculine and aggressive; stubble and chatted freely with pupils regimental reunion in Holland. And the would a cuddly kitten widen the whom he addressed by name, as if he reunion was expected to last for 5 weeks film’s appeal; and perhaps the name knew them! and he had a ferry booking at Hull for “Tiddles” would be a safer bet? early evening. So could someone put his I just wonder if I would have flourished spare tyre on so he could be on his way? ll When on “ops” bomber crews better under such an enlightened system. were sent off with a cooked full Although aged 90 the driver clearly was English breakfast which we now The best example of the new system in possession of all his marbles and he know is not the healthy option. involved Mr Burton the English master spoke in polite and respectful terms to Perhaps bomber crews could and Musharraf, known to his friends as the policemen while emphasising that be shown being sent off after a Mushy P, who was a stutterer of heroic it was imperative that he caught his modest breakfast of muesli and proportions. Mushy, who had Pakistani ferry. Given his attitude and his wartime non-dairy milk origins, was an intelligent and keen service the motorway cops decided pupil anxious to get involved in all to try and help and went way above ll And in the film, returning flying aspects of classroom activity. When Mr the call of duty to provide all forms of crews are seen celebrating in the Burton asked a question his hand was assistance including real help. Officers’ Mess with pints of beer always the first to go up but his stutter and high jinks. Not a very good always got in the way of his answer. Or His car wing was too damaged to allow example really. A more sensible to be more accurate his affliction was him to continue so a hire car was the celebration could comprise a such that he was unable to get as far as answer but who would want to hire a car small dry sherry, a few glasses of his stutter. to a 90 year old for a 5 week trip abroad sparkling Vimto and a jolly good starting today? The cops thereupon sing-song. 101 THE SCRIBBLER Clearly once you start changing small Germany. An unthinkable proposition be depicted that would not offend elements of a successful formula it’s today although I find it difficult to anyone? I suggest an international possible to justify continuing changes suggest an acceptable alternative competition between European WIs to until the whole point of the original opponent. produce the most appealing and tasty is lost. For example the original film preserves – THE JAM BUSTERS! depicted one small event in the war with Perhaps a different sort of conflict could

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 19, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2014

The end of an era the Association’s 2 main publications, great man paused for only a second. the Terrier and Asset into top quality “Teeth," he thundered, “will be provided”. The purpose of this piece is to thank journals that are envied throughout the Tim Foster and Colin Bradford, on the professional world. For example with Dr. Paisley’s public image is that of an occasion of their “retirement”, for the Asset, Colin would transport recording uncompromising, obstinate, intolerant, major contributions they have made equipment to meetings, set it up and hard-line politician. Not the sort of man to the wellbeing and status of our monitor its performance, arrange for you would want to share a pot of Earl Grey Association. transcription, sub-edit the transcripts with. And yet some time ago, a friend, with and then edit the final product, religious inclinations, took the trouble to go Tim arranging for printing and distribution to his church in Belfast to see what it was all to members. At meetings, in between about at first hand. He reported back that Dr. In those far off days, before Tim Foster times, he was also the ACES official Paisley was the most charismatic preacher and the post of Secretary were invented, photographer and we have all seen, and he had ever heard. if I remember correctly, it was the envied, numerous example of his quality President who called meetings if there work in ACES journals. So when I had my opportunity to meet him were topics to be settled in between I did not know what to expect. Annual Meetings. The only fixed and We have a lot to thank Colin for both in “formal” meeting was the AM when we attaining and in continuing to achieve In the days, long, long ago when all turned up at the Lords Cricket Ground high standards in the main journals and there were extensive programmes of hoping that his time, if we were lucky, related one-off publications. compulsory acquisition work, usually for we might actually catch a glimpse of WG highway purposes, it so happened that Grace. Even so there was no agenda and, Doctor, the Reverend, Ian in my authority one of our road schemes for example, the Treasurer never gave a Paisley brought about the demolition of one of Dr. written report but assured those present Paisley’s churches; a clear-cut equivalent that income was being collected, Sadly, Ian Paisley died recently and reinstatement situation. Compensation sales of memorabilia were going well, almost without exception the obituary principles and the building of a and there was no need to make any writers zoomed in on Paisley the “NEVER! replacement church were resolved without changes. Clearly a modern professional NEVER! NEVER! Never!” politician. too much difficulty. Then the great man association would be unlikely to flourish My memory of him is somewhat let it be known that there were “one or two under such an informal regime and, different even though we met in the loose ends” and he wished to conclude the thanks to Tim and his efforts over the circumstances of an un-concluded negotiations personally when he was next years, ACES now has up to date systems compensation claim which seemed in Suffolk. of governance in place so that decisions always to offer the celebrity/VIP claimant can be taken at the right time and more full licence to behave very badly indeed. Now this was at the height of “The importantly recorded correctly and However Dr Paisley resisted this and Troubles” and arranging a meeting was progress monitored appropriately. We conducted himself in a gentlemanly not altogether straightforward. A date and have a lot to thank Tim for. manner throughout and so we were able time of 2pm were fixed and later “a civil to conclude the negotiation quickly and servant” telephoned me. “Where exactly In between times of course I cannot successfully as I reported in the Winter will the meeting take place?” he asked. ever remember Tim failing to attend 2003/4 edition of The Terrier: “It could take place in my own room,” I a meeting at which his presence was replied, thinking a matter of status could required and he has successfully taken Ian Paisley, so it is said, was delivering one be involved. “What sort of room is it?” on additional tasks, such as editing of his scorching sermons. “In the hell that he said and when I mentioned ground journals, in order to preserve continuity awaits the sinner,” he roared, “there will be floor with windows along 2 sides he and quality. Many thanks Tim. a-weeping and a-wailing and a-gnashing made it clear that was totally out of the of teeth.” An old man in the front row was question. “Is there an internal room with Colin impressed, scared and a little puzzled. “Dr. no windows?” “Yes,” I said, “then that’s the Paisley” he mumbled through his ancient one.” Other than that I was not expecting Singlehandedly Colin has developed gums, "what if you have nae teeth?" The to attend the meeting personally.

102 THE SCRIBBLER So I forgot all about it until lunchtime on My turn. Taking a deep breath I said, level with the front row of stage seats. The the day of the meeting. Usually I took a “Before agreeing to that I would prefer exit was guarded on both sides by large lunchtime walk and left the building and to hear the full list of additional minor lions, which stared sombrely out at the walked off down the road as usual. After matters.” He smiled, and leaning audience. a few steps a black Granada cruised past forward touched my arm lightly. “A very only to do a flashy 3-point turn further on professional approach,” he commended, At school we had an enthusiastic jazz and cruise back. There were 4 snappily “I can see you’ve done this sort of thing club and band. The time came when we dressed young men in it with short before Mr Scribbler” Without further ado felt old enough to go and see our jazz haircuts. It would have blended in more he went through all his additional claims heroes at live concerts. There was plenty with a flashing neon sign saying “SPECIAL and in no time at all we did a deal, and he, of public transport and venues. The first BRANCH” on the roof. “Christ”, I thought, and his party were soon on their way. band I saw was Chris Barber and his Jazz “This is the day Ian Paisley is due.” Trying Band at, in fact, the Gaumont Doncaster. not to draw any attention I hotfooted it About 10 years later, at a loose end following I could give you the line up now but will back to the office. a foreshortened RICS meeting, I was nosing forgo that pleasure. Doncaster was a little around a second hand bookshop in Charing far afield but fortuitously, at about that After a hurried briefing my Valuer said he Cross Road when I realised that a fellow time, the Musician’s Union lifted its ban wanted me to attend and do the talking browser was Dr Paisley. He was looking on American live music and The City Hall but he had no idea what the problem was. through some dusty ecclesiastical tomes. became a principal venue on the visiting Those of you who have done compulsory Should I go across and introduced myself? Jazz Stars circuit. acquisition work will know exactly what To do so would mean going across the room I thought. It was common practice for all and tapping him on the shoulder. Checking Perversely the first jazz band I saw at owners and agents to pull any trick in the out the others in the room I couldn’t spot Sheffield was Humphrey Lyttleton and book to increase compensation. Those which were the minders so thought it best to his Band. After that I saw every touring with member contacts or even minor leave well alone and be on my way. American jazz star. Count Basie, Duke celebrity status were by far the worst. Ellington, Earl Hines, Eddie Condon, Kid Louis (Satchmo) Armstrong Ory, Big Bill Broonzy, MJQ, Jazz at the Just before 2pm one of the Granada Four Philharmonic, Dave Brubeck and so on. introduced himself and then began to lurk Were he still alive Satchmo would Magical names, most of which are utterly just inside the entrance to the building. have celebrated his 100th birthday in confusing my spell checker, so I’ll leave We were told to sit in the meeting room. September so by way of a reminder it there, except for one more; the great At precisely 2 pm more black Granadas you might wish to re-read the following Satchmo himself. arrived and the Ian Paisley party was piece that was first published in the conducted in. He sat on the opposite Spring 2003 edition of The Terrier: When we heard he was coming we booked side of the table flanked by 2 vicars and early, and on the night, got there early. a minder. Dr. Paisley was affable but the If you’ve read the Sheffield papers yet you I was on stage, on the front row, next to others were unsmiling and watchful. It was will remember the Sheffield City Centre the right hand lion. I can’t remember the soon clear that I was completely wrong Regeneration piece by Alison Nimmo and supporting band at all but the tension about Mr Paisley. He was one of the most Carolyn Kenny. The City Hall was featured. built as they went through their set. courteous and professional negotiators I “We are trying to find creative ways to After the interval the All Stars came on ever dealt with, and a real gent. unlock the value of The City Hall … to stage one by one and then Satchmo was regenerate it and the surrounding streets, announced. He came out on to the stage First he made it clear that he had come and develop these into a new square.” I and stood in between the lions saluting to conclude negotiations with me, and wish them well. the crowd with arms outstretched one no one else. He added that he was very hand clutching his trademark white grateful with how the whole business 45 years ago, when I was a regular patron handkerchief and the other the golden had been dealt with, very satisfied with the City Hall was a top concert venue. trumpet. His roar of greeting was drowned the new church and looking forward to The building is circular in plan with a big by the roar of the crowd. He was about an official opening ceremony. But there open stage area capable of taking the 6 foot in front of me and I could see him, were a few minor matters that he hoped biggest orchestra. Behind this is a tiered or at least his back, clearly. Although a we could help with. “Such as?” I asked. bank of seats, a bit like the Albert Hall, musical giant he was in reality quite small. “Well first of all most of my congregation capable of seating massed choirs, so He had obviously been briefed on the are elderly and will need help to attend that, for example, Handel’s Messiah could customers on the stage and didn’t want to services in the new location. My church,” be staged comfortably, as it often was. ignore us. He took a couple of steps to the he confided, “has built many more If these seats were not needed for the right and turned round to face us. He was churches in recent years than anyone so performance they were made available right in front of me. He looked me in the we know a little bit about this. And what cheaply to customers and provided an eye, smiled, and with outstretched arms we need is another minibus. A second uncomfortable, unusual, but if you got again roared his greeting straight at me. I hand one will suffice costing probably there early enough, exciting viewpoint. don’t think I stopped smiling for weeks. about £3,000. Could the authority fund Performers accessed the stage area up a this?” He stopped. flight of stairs that emerged centre stage 103 THE SCRIBBLER Brazil 1 Germany 7 Park in Basildon. Sadly I failed to freed the imprisoned Ball and together mention Wat’s mate John Ball, the they marched on London to protest It is said that everybody knows where subversive "hedge priest" whose radical against the poll taxes. However Ball was they were when England won the World interpretation of the Bible dovetailed soon back in the hands of authority and Cup Final in 1966. I don’t as my 1966 with Wat Tyler and the so-called was gruesomely put to death by being diary is silent on that date and the days "peasant's revolt" in 1381, bringing hung until he was nearly dead, then cut before and after, as is my memory. England to the brink of revolution. down while he was still breathing and (No I don’t know what hedge priest disemboweled with just enough life left However I will always remember where I means either; nor why Melvyn Bragg in him to see his entrails burned before was when South American football was keeps banging on about the “so-called him. He was then executed, presumably eventually exposed and humiliated on 8 peasant's revolt.”) with the words “He’s not the Messiah, July 2014. I was at home! he’s a very naughty boy,” ringing in his John Ball is one of the forgotten heroes ears and promptly written out of history I didn’t watch the interminable of English history: a radical who was so books for many centuries to come. preliminaries on TV where every Glen, subversive he was written out of history Dick and Harry are invited to give their for centuries. He trained as a priest in views, but just switched on for the kick- off. After a tentative opening 10 minutes, on the basis that little happens in the first half friendlies, I decided to clear the dining table of used items. I returned from the kitchen only to discover the score was 0-1 (Mueller 11 minutes).

Ten minutes later I was back in the kitchen making a quick cup of tea, a process that normally takes 5 to 6 minutes. By the time I settled down again I realised the score was now 0-5 (Klose 23 minutes, Kroos 24 and 26 minutes, Khedira 29 minutes).

I stuck with the half time summaries, if Colchester, a place that "swarmed with only to find out what was going on, and religious battles" and young chaplains then went back to the kitchen to pour a with a reputation for "gambling and glass of red wine; yes you’ve guessed on drunkenness". But boozy priests were my return the score was 0-6 (Schuerrle the least of England's worries. Ball was 69 minutes). preaching to a country broken by death and taxes. The plague years of the Black By now I was determined not to move Death were followed by the war years – until the final whistle but on making an which somebody (the peasants) had to ill judged and overly exuberant hand pay for. gesture the tip of one finger caught the rim of my wine glass on the coffee table, By 1364, the church had had enough projecting its contents across the light and Ball was excommunicated and biscuit coloured fitted carpet. The score forbidden to speak in any church. So became 0-7 (Schuerrle 79 minutes), he took to hanging out in churchyards, while I had my head stuck under the speaking to parishioners in English, the coffee table trying desperately to language of the commoners, and not minimise some of the damage. the French of the courts or the Latin of the clergy. He continued living as I did see the score become 1-7 (Oscar 90 an outlaw whose arguments were so minutes) but by then was passed caring. threatening to the status quo that the then Archbishop of Canterbury, Simon Wat Tyler’s mate of Sudbury, had to call on Edward III in his next bid to silence him and In the Spring 2012 issue of The Terrier eventually he was thrown into prison. there was an explanatory biographical piece on Wat Tyler to mark an Eastern By 1381 Wat Tyler had emerged as a Branch outing to Wat Tyler Country people's leader for the Kentish Rebels,

104 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 19, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2014/15

Getting older it was Saturday the paper was be operating covertly to that end. For heavier than usual, and I did example I hear on the BBC the word There are, I think, for a man, 3 stages in have my shopping list in my right “genre” used on an almost daily basis life when transfer from one to the next hand, so I was trying, unsuccess- and yet seldom hear it used elsewhere. calls for either some physical change or fully as it turned out, to grip the Similarly whenever a volcano erupts or some external validation. I am thinking paper and lift it from the top large volumes of water escape from a of course of the change from short to shelf when I felt this very faint main or a canal the word of choice used long trousers, the change to adulthood, tapping on my right arm. It was to describe this is “spew”; not a form of and then becoming “old”. a very short little old lady who popular usage. And why is the quantity said, “Move out of the way dear of water involved always described in I reckon I was still in short trousers and let me help.” She must have terms of a specific number of Olympic when I started at grammar school been in her 80s. So I moved out sizes swimming pools? but changed soon thereafter, say in of the way and she got me the 1953. And thinking back it must have paper without any problems. But in my opinion the worst example been just before 5 November 1965 of trying to start a new form of popular when, having transferred to British And the moral to this story? Accept any usage is in the jarring format the BBC uses Railways Estates London location, I was help offered with as much good grace as to describe small modern combat aircraft constantly implored by local urchins on you can muster. i.e. the expression “fighter jet” is always my way down the steps to Kings Cross used. Since the late 1940s I have only Underground to give a “Penny for the Linguistic development ever used the expression “jet fighter” and guy, Mister.” the only time I have ever heard the BBCs English is a constantly developing version used is in a 50 year old American Now I have just reached the 3rd stage language with new words and or usages documentary broadcast on some obscure as confirmed by the actions of others. being absorbed or discarded by popular satellite channel. Accordingly you are getting old when: demand, as it were, and not through some learned official body, as in France My version is used throughout the ll I was at the gym and about to for example. Although ultimately a form Encyclopaedia of Air Warfare e.g. The change from one machine when of “official” approval is bestowed when Early Jet Fighters and in further support another member, who appeared a new word is included in the Oxford of my version, the one that puts the to be at least as old as me, offers English Dictionary. horse before the cart as it were, I quote me his assistance to get off the the first line of the popular song “I’m machine For example the words fab, gear and leaving on a jet plane” and not, you will grotty came into popular usage in 1961 note, “I’m leaving on a plane jet.” ll And later in the changing room as one of the outcomes of Beatlemania when putting on a clean T shirt it although that word only came into became locked up in a hopeless popular usage in 1963 when it was tangle and someone comes up coined by the Daily Mirror as a headline. behind me and says “Let me help” and frees the whole thing up. It More modern new words include chav, may have been the same man as omnishambles and credit crunch. above Waiting in the wings for inclusion in the next edition of the OED are onesie and ll And a few minutes later, when I selfie where the latter is defined as “a thought the coast was clear, I got photograph that one has taken of oneself into the same bind when trying typically with a smartphone and uploaded to put on my ex rugby shirt when, to a social media website”. To show how lo and behold, the same man change is an essential part of the process strolls in and offers his assistance I did see in a magazine only this week a for the third time! cluster of close photos of various dogs described as “selfies,” not quite true yet but ll Finally I was doing an early run in the future; who knows? round Waitrose on the Saturday before Christmas when I stopped I suspect that this is an area that the by the newspaper shelves to get BBC would like to have some official a Times from the top shelf. As involvement in and, indeed, may already

105 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 20, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2015

Free the Beyton 14 – or is it 15? change in the regulations governing The 3rd item can now be updated as public meetings means that a member follows: Beyton is a village to the east of Bury St of the public can now make recordings Edmunds situated just off the A14 trunk in meetings. Access to the south is generally limited road. In the middle of the village is a particularly after bank holiday weekends large triangular shaped green bounded The outcome of this intervention so far by the joint efforts of Greater Anglia and on all sides by public roads. Indeed one has meant that: Railtrack. of the green’s adjacent roads was the then A45 trunk road until the village was Half the members of the Parish Council The Suffolk Punch. Our East Anglian bypassed some 20 to 30 years ago. have resigned predecessors were pretty good at definitions and described the Suffolk The village sign incorporates geese as Parish Council business has come to a Punch as, ideally, having the head of for as long as anyone can remember virtual standstill until new Parish Council an angel, a body the shape of a Greene there have been a dozen or so geese members are elected on 7 May King beer barrel and having a rear end free ranging over the green and its like a farmer’s daughter. The Punch is, surroundings. This caused no problems, The geese still roam the village green. of course, a heavy work horse, now alas apparently, even though one of the an endangered species, as, not so many adjacent roads was a very heavily used East Anglia matters years ago, hundreds were employed in trunk road. agriculture and in railway goods yards, Isolation. Perhaps it is a product of the shunting wagons. However a few years ago all the geese feeling of isolation but I cannot help disappeared and were last seen, or but view the latest pronouncements by The End of an Era. In January the so I am told, walking, late at night, up both local and national bigwigs on the Pentagon announced its intention Church Road heading for, probably, the impending broadband “roll out” with to redeploy the activities and celestial freezer in the skies. The green huge amounts of cynicism. No doubt the personnel and to eventually close RAF then remained empty of livestock for aforesaid bigwigs are excitedly calling Mildenhall. It is estimated that the base a year or so until, following a survey of each other on their mobile phones full contributes around £200m a year to parishioners, geese were reintroduced of self-congratulations and wishing that the local economy and provides direct to the green. this latest roll out is as successful as the employment opportunities to a few earlier mobile phone signal roll out. hundred local people. Immediately When I was last in full time employment local politicians and MPs went on our weekly Management Team meetings However so far as I am concerned the record to say that plans for reinvention, were held on Monday mornings in order mobile roll out didn’t happen here at all growth and investment are discussed to get the bad news out of the way as I still cannot get a mobile signal at my and completed before any base assets early. Proceedings were considerably property unless, that is, I stand on top of become available. Discussions began on enlivened when we were joined by a a step ladder situated in the north east the formation of appropriate working new chief officer from Scotland who corner of the lounge. In this position I parties. However a few weeks later the regaled us with stories about how things can get a call out provided I do not nod MOD announced that the possibility of were done north of the border. Our or shake my head while doing so. the RAF taking over the base was still favourite stories ended up with “and being discussed and plans were being then the police had to be called in order Apart from that we have in my village made to mothball the base if needs be. to restore peace among the members.” perfectly acceptable broadband and These were our favourite stories as we all hope it survives unscathed the Sic transit gloria mundi calling in the police was so alien to us as planned roll out. to be inconceivable. A former chief officer colleague asked Our East Anglian predecessors defined me some time ago whether, now I was But back to the Beyton geese; the area’s isolated nature as follows: fully retired, I took the time to take a look apparently one parishioner objected at developments I had been associated so strongly to their reintroduction that Access to the north and the east is with. I didn’t really know how to respond she turned up at a formal meeting of curtailed by the North Sea to this as so far as I was concerned the the Parish Council and started to film possibility did not arise as I had been and record the proceedings. On being Access to the west is curtailed by the mainly involved with the generation of asked to desist she refused and the Fens capital receipts, so there was little to see. Chairman suspended the meeting and However one situation where there was summoned the police! And in fact the And to the south is curtailed by the something to see came to mind and the police were powerless to act as a recent London and North East Railway. “development” arose as follows.

106 THE SCRIBBLER Back in the late 60s and early 70s I was space on the Milner Road side of the Now (March 2015) a little light is beginning to feel that my time with building for a desk in a special “naughty beginning to be shed on the first British Railways in London had run its boys” room on the first floor. Here I was point following a report by the Cycling course so when an opportunity with expected to turn up every day until 31 Independent Reform Commission Suffolk County Council at Ipswich, December 2000 but soon got fed up (CIRC). According to press comments close to where I actually lived, was with that and eventually just turned up the report, on Lance Armstrong and advertised I jumped at the chance. So for my last day. systematic doping in cycling, lays on 2 April 1970 I was interviewed for much of the blame on the International the job but didn’t get it as they were Thus in terms of developments I had Cycling Union (UCI) and states that looking for someone with compensation been associated with, even though I had “There are numerous examples that experience. However they were survived almost 30 years, St Giles House, Armstrong benefited from a preferential impressed with my landlord and tenant my only development, was still going status afforded by the UCI leadership”. experience, which they could also use strong after nearly 30 years. Having been For example: and so I was hired on that basis, subject prompted by the question referred to to approval being forthcoming for an above, in January 2015 I decided to drive Backdated prescriptions to legitimise establishment increase. I duly started by the location after a routine visit to the failed tests work as a Junior Valuer at County Hall on Ipswich Hospital. In truth it wasn’t far out 18 May 1970. of my way so I wondered why I had not Collusion with Armstrong’s legal team done it during the intervening 15 years. The project they had in mind for me The bending of the rules to allow his was land at the eastern end of the Having thought the matter through participation in races County Hall site; a narrow strip of land I realised if I took the first exit from with frontage to Milner Street and the hospital roundabout, and not the The soliciting of financial donations currently occupied by a number of small more usual second, drive down Spring workshops all mainly engaged in the Road to the Rope Walk turn-off, then And a supposed investigation into motor trade. My job was to displace take the first left into Milner Street with the rider’s EPO readings which was these users and recover possession so luck I could park just outside my office actually an investigation into how the that the site could be developed as window. On the day my plan went like information became public knowledge. offices sufficient to make up the shortfall a dream and the first parking space in of office space on the County Hall site. Milner Street was available. I took it, CIRC’s conclusion is that while the UCI switched off the engine then looked “did not act prudently” it could not So first thing I had a chat with each left to see who was using my comfy classify its relationship as corrupt. occupant to put them in the picture, partitioned off space on the Milner Road then served the appropriate notice side of the building. And the answer was Although there can be no doubt that on each as provided for in the 1954 no-one; there was just a nice green lawn. Armstrong’s active participation in the Landlord and Tenant Act. The occupants St Giles House was no more - it had been above was corrupt, apparently the active duly left the scene and the office block demolished! provision of opportunities that enable was built and christened Milner House. a third party to act in a corrupt manner Lance is OK. Over the years many departments moved into and left Milner House which Back in January 2013 I wrote what I Whatever; remember you read it first in at some point was rechristened St Giles assumed would be my last piece on The Terrier. House until in January 1988 I and my Lance Armstrong. Among other things I relatively small number of staff took over said that following his “confession”: half the ground floor. We shared the building with the Treasurer who had no Presumably “everything” now being said intention of leaving for more prestigious about Lance Armstrong is true………….. accommodation elsewhere even though but 2 thoughts occur to me. Firstly St Giles House was, due to its age, as a winner of 7 Tours, or whatever it expensive to heat in winter and had no was, and innumerable stages, he must cooling for summer time temperatures. have been one of the most drug tested From the Treasurer’s point of view the competitors in the world. Why was building was a good long walk away nothing ever discovered? And secondly, from Members’ rooms and so was ideal. bearing in mind he seems to have been shopped by most of his “friends” or All went well until it was my turn to be former teammates it illustrates the old made redundant with a date fixed for maxim of treating contacts reasonably the end of 2000 but in mid-October on the way up or inevitably they will get 2000 my staff were moved out and I their own back on your way down. had to leave my comfy partitioned-off 107 THE SCRIBBLER THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 20, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2015

The importance of Hippocalypse Now! War 2 incident where an action by the maintaining contacts French army managed to block, even if I have always admired the art of only for a short time, the then unstoppable The background to this important newspaper headline writing and the advance of the German army. This event sale was fully described in “Sales: above caught my attention during was reported under the headline “French Due Diligence” published in 2009 the month of June 2015. You might Push Bottles up Germans”. Autumn Terrier. The property involved remember the floods that occurred in was a major office building with Russia during that month that allowed The newly enlarged Large accommodation on 3 floors, built in most of the animals in some quite large Hadron Collider 1937. Original building plans and plans zoo to escape. One of the tabloids had of a major 1960s extension were to hand as its front page just a photograph of a As was suggested in my original piece with a copy of the planning consent and very large and grumpy looking hippo “Higgs boson made interesting” (2012 news reports on both the original build being coaxed back into captivity with Autumn Terrier) having decided that the and the later work. And I had a lot of the headline Hippocalypse Now! Large Hadron Collider (LHC) may have information on all those interesting little (or presumably may not have) detected details than enliven sales particulars. Perhaps it was this that caused the the Higgs boson, CERN (European Times to recall some similar headlines Organisation for Nuclear Research) I knew the building of course but of earlier years: announced its intention to shut down nonetheless took the opportunity to the LHC for a 2-year upgrade. inspect the property formally with the ll Headless Body found in Topless Bar building surveyor who had looked In 2015 it was announced that the after it for many years, then with the ll Nut Screws Washer and Bolts con- upgrade had been completed and the head caretaker, and with the benefit cerning a psychiatric patient who LHC had now resumed experiments. of hindsight I remembered that twice took advantage of a laundrywom- No information is available on the when inspecting the basement I asked, an before fleeing nature and extent of the upgrades “What’s that in there?” and was told “Oh but it is probably safe to assume that that’s the electricity substation room.” ll Missing baby found in Sandwich; these involved some sort of extension, On the outside of this space there was it’s a town in Massachusetts a conservatory, double glazing and an array of electricity meters that proved plenty of decking. Now that these are the point. “Can I look inside?” “No, it’s full ll One-armed man applauds the complete, it is stated that the LHC (or of dangerous electric equipment, and generosity of strangers more accurately the ELHC, the enlarged we don’t have a key.” Large Hadron Collider) is to run non-stop ll City bus on fire – passengers for the next 3 years, leading the search It was only when a sale had been alight. This comes from the for those “missing” particles that are agreed that it became apparent that Guardian (the now defunct West most likely to account for “dark matter”. the “electricity substation room” was Wales Guardian) and is thought in fact an operational substation in to be a skilful exaggeration of a Now I reckon that the latter phrase is the freehold ownership of EDF! My mildly dramatic local story. code for something far more prosaic. previous paper identified above sets out When I was young my Christmas the details of how this occurred. Upon Here is another one that must date back stocking always contained a bar of Fry’s asking EDF how we might regularise the to 1940. It concerns an isolated World Chocolate Cream, rich dark chocolate position so that our sale could continue without delay and its operation could be safeguarded, the respondent said that they usually appointed a private consultant to advise on how to proceed.

When a consultant was named, he proved to be a former railway colleague with whom I had maintained contact over the years and so we were able to come to a mutually agreeable solution without wasting time investigating blind alleys.

108 THE SCRIBBLER with a fondant cream icing, hidden Back in the late 60s and early 70s I was Unfortunately despite the valiant efforts among the Brazil nuts and tangerines. beginning to feel that my time with of ESCC staff, to date all approaches This, I think, is the dark matter being British Railways in London had run its made over many, many months had searched for. And I haven’t seen this course so when an opportunity with failed to illicit any response at all from confection on the shelves for the last East Suffolk County Council at Ipswich BR. On my first day my new boss was 30-40 years. (ESCC), close to where I actually lived, careful to mark my card on this one with was advertised I jumped at the chance. the words that to get some negotiations So, for the past few months I have been So on 2 April 1970 I was interviewed for going could be very helpful for ESCC/ conducting my own search in the hopes the job but didn’t get it as they were WUDC relations and my future. that this might possibly assist CERN. looking for someone with compensation Until a few weeks ago, all I had been experience. However they were The BR Woodbridge estate was able to discover was that Fry’s went impressed with my landlord and tenant administered from a district office in out of business years ago. Then I saw experience, which they could also use Norwich and the District Estate Surveyor the product advertised on a flyer from and so I was hired on that basis, subject was an old friend. I picked up the phone Farmfoods, a frozen foods supermarket. to approval being forthcoming for an and spoke to him and explained the However when I got there I could find establishment increase. I duly started problem and that I was now acting for no trace of it at all, but an assistant did work as a Junior Valuer at county hall on WUDC and could we discuss terms? He offer the suggestion that they had been 18 May 1970. agreed to meet me the following week unable to source any due to excessive and suggested the best hotel in the world-wide demand. This explanation, however, overlooked town as a possible venue so he could one other vital detail, i.e. my experience buy me lunch. I now remember little of So near and yet so far! with British Railways (BR). ESCC was the negotiations that followed, other not afraid to offer professional services than they were completed quickly and Then by chance I spotted some bars to other local authorities and had for to everyone’s satisfaction. very well hidden in Waitrose. In aisle 6, some time been acting for Woodbridge left hand side, the first and bottom shelf Urban District Council (WUDC) in a ESCC’s standing was greatly enhanced from the check-outs to be precise. I’d number of matters including a possible as a result and picked up much better tell CERN! purchase of the disused goods shed professional work from WUDC and and yard situated just outside the town other similar authorities in the county. More sic transit gloria mundi centre. This was needed to provide a And to complete where I started, site for a swimming pool and sports another example of the importance of In the last issue I explained the centre and some desperately needed maintaining contacts. background to my entry into local additional car parking. government in 1970 as follows:

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 20, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2015

Free the Beyton 14 – or is it of Green Cleaner-Upper is being market town in Suffolk. The name of the 15? advertised. town is always written in this way and in speech is always referred to as “Bury Back in the Spring I mentioned the I wonder if I ought to apply. After all I Saint Edmunds.” Nothing could be more reintroduction of geese to the village must be one of the few people in the straightforward so why does the name green in Beyton. Someone seems to village with relevant experience of cause such confusion? Perhaps it is have taken the heading to heart as a this type of work; after all I was a Chief something to do with the town’s historic number of geese have already been Officer in local government for a good development. sprung. There are now only 9. few years. In the mid 7th century St Sigebert, But the controversy about their very Hippocalypse now! the younger son of King Raedwald, presence rages on. This relates to the the first Christian King of the East conflict between a group of fairly large In the newspaper headlines piece in Angles, founded a monastery in the animals, who are constantly eating the last Terrier I failed to mention my very small settlement then known as grass, in occupation of land also used as 2 favourite headlines. These are “Phew Beodericsworth. In the year 896 King a children’s play area and for organised what a scorcher!” and “Gotcha.” Edmund was slain by the invading games. The nature of the conflict is Danes and his body was removed to the obvious, so much so that in the latest Bury St Edmunds monastery where he became revered as Parish Magazine, delivered in the last a saint. few days, a part time PAID position Bury St Edmunds is a lovely, historic 109 THE SCRIBBLER In the 10th and 11th centuries the causes some confusion. For example AI great Abbey Church was built, as the some till receipts issued by newcomers town had become an important centre to the town mistakenly print out the The BBC has taken up the advent of of pilgrimage and the town changed name as “Bury Saint Edmunds” or much AI, artificial intelligence, with great its name from Beodericsworth to St worse as “Bury St Edmonds.” And only enthusiasm and has taken the view Edmund’s Bury. And here it is important this week my electrician, who drives a that when some application with real to note that the word “Bury” does small Mercedes van with immaculate AI is perfected, the machines will take not refer to the “burial” of St Edmund sign writing pointed out to me that his over the world and, then to use the BBC but it is the German/Norse word for a telephone number, carefully written approved reporting format, perfected fortified enclosure; as in, for example, across the rear doors of the van, uses when the bird ‘flu scare was on, “you’re Aylesbury, Canterbury, Tewkesbury and the neat little centrally positioned door all gonna die!” Glastonbury. handle, in the form of the Mercedes logo, to separate the name from the But the BBC overlooks 2 important In the 11th century the appointment of actual number logo - providing that you issues here: a French monk Abbot Baldwin coincided can calculate the numbers correctly. with the growth of the monastic town However here the sign-writer calculated 1. Artificial intelligence relates which prospered and flourished and it the number of spaces and letters in “Bury to the thinking and problem is thought that this French connection St Edmunds” to be 14 and not 15 and solving issues and not to the helped preserve the town’s prosperity hence when he reached the centre he mechanical process of connect- despite the Norman invasion post 1066. was a letter short; thus for many years the ing up to a power supply and However the last recorded name change following information will be displayed ie ensuring that power supply is took place and thereafter the town “Bury St Edmund [logo] 755333” actually available became known as Bury St Edmunds. And finally I remember one 2. And that until quite recently the So where does the confusion arise? acquaintance, long ago, who delighted term artificial intelligence was a in asking, every time we met, “Hello and more polite way of saying “real The spelling of the town’s name still how are things in Bury Street Edmunds?” stupidity”.

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 20 ISSUE 4 WINTER 2015/16

We probably first met face to face at LAVA meetings I soon realised that Dick some national LAVA meeting in the was a confident public speaker, with late 80s and thereafter decided, as more than a trace of London accent, professional neighbours, we ought to (and so was always referred to in this meet on a more regular basis at some column as “The Fenland Diamond neutral local venue. The purpose of our Geezer”) and a wise and seasoned meetings was simply to keep each other professional, while still being, and this advised of what we were doing and the was one of his favourite expressions, problems and benefits arising therefrom; “streetwise.” this all seems unremarkable now but at the time was regarded as quite He became President of LAVA in revolutionary, if not a little subversive. 1988/89.

Richard (Dick) Miller; always Our 2 bases of operation, Ipswich and Up to this point there had never been referred to in this column Norwich, are connected, geographically, an Eastern Branch of LAVA but after his as “The Fenland Diamond by the A140 trunk road and there is successful Presidential year 1988/89, Geezer” a small town called Scole situated on Dick took the initiative and set up an the border between the 2 counties. inaugural Branch Meeting by hiring I attended my first CLAVA meeting at Accordingly, we used to meet at The a room in The Maltings in Ely. He the Lords Hill Hotel, Shrewsbury, on Scole Inn, in the hostelry’s best lounge, continued to do this and make all other Wednesday 5 June 1985 as the new the one with the huge open log fire. To necessary arrangements until Branch member from Suffolk County Council. preserve proprieties, Dick always took Officers were appointed. One of the items on the agenda dealt the seat on the north side of the table with a membership application from with me on the south. Thereafter the venue for Eastern Branch Dick Miller, the Chief Estates Officer from meetings was changed to the Borough Norfolk County Council. Earlier Dick had As a result of these meetings and from Offices on Angel Hill in Bury St Edmunds. joined the LCC in 1959; only leaving for reading his regular column in The Terrier, And in the days before branch meeting rural Norfolk in 1967. and from his contributions at national refreshments were provided, Dick and I

110 THE SCRIBBLER abandoned our regular lunches at The After his retirement from Norfolk, and support. He also told at a London Scole Inn, instead opting for a lunch Dick and Patt set up STEPS, a training Annual Meeting the Welders Joke for after the Branch Meeting at the One Bull company specialising in providing which I will always be grateful. It came in Inn just around the corner. In those days assistance for local authority surveyors very handy at the start of the aforesaid this inn was regarded as a “Bikers’ Pub” and so it was that in 2001 Dick organised Betty ‘n Bert Roadshow International so we felt right at home there. a final STEPS International Tour featuring Tour as the first event took place at The the now defunct Betty ‘n Bert Roadshow Welder’s Institute in Cambridge! As Yesterday’s Man, Dick wrote a regular International Tour with events at column in The Terrier ostensibly dealing Cambridge, Walsall and Cardiff. I wrote Happy Days! with Past and Members’ issues but which at the time his organisational skills will focussed more and more on newish be sadly missed. Thanks for that, Suffolk Scribbler – professional matters, while extracting although I think you’ve now blown your therefrom any humorous and quirky side Since 1985 Dick has made an immense cover. issues. He gave it up at the end of 2001 contribution to ACES and its predecessor (Volume 6 Issue 3). His final piece is typically organisations while giving me about 25 forthright and slightly controversial. years of professional companionship

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 21, ISSUE 1, SPRING 2016

The dentist morning without, apparently, a care in Just thinking about these 2 previous the world. “When did you last have an events distracted me from the current Having discovered that my newly extraction?” the dentist enquired. As work being undertaken and in no time purchased granola was a particularly I couldn’t remember he gave me the at all it was all over. I didn’t feel a thing. hard variety, I was taking the long version of his general introduction, All that was left was for the dentist to opportunity to have a more than usually including the piece about “and if it gets present me with the traditional wad of leisurely breakfast and leaving it to soak too painful wave your hand so that I can sterilized gauze, with the words “Put that in milk for as long as possible. But as see it and I’ll stop.” That rang a faint bell over the gap and bite down hard for the soon as I tasted the first mouthful, I felt and as he started to get to grips with rest of the day to staunch the bleeding.” something really hard in my mouth, the remains of my tooth, 2 earlier events which on closer examination proved came to mind. That is what was said last time and then, to be a tooth, or more accurately half a as I made my way a little unsteadily back tooth, as will be revealed later. First I was in the chair undergoing some to the car park, I found myself walking rather painful procedure when it all on the very edge of the footpath, However, for the moment I could see got too much for me, and forgetting nearly in the gutter, when a large truck where the tooth had come from but completely about the hand signalling swept by almost brushing my arm. That on closer examination, using my little option for terminating the treatment, startled me so much that I could not mirror on a stick, part of a recently I just bit down hard on the drill, thus help saying out loud the words “Gesus purchased “complete dentist’s outfit” bringing the process to an abrupt halt Kist!” through clenched teeth. from Poundland, there appeared to be and incurring the severe wrath of the a new tooth already growing in the gap. dentist. 22/02/1942 Perhaps it was this new growth that had forced the old tooth out? An urgent The second time I was in that situation Although I still put a lot of effort in consultation with my dentist seemed to I decided to try out some deep searching through stocks of second be the best way forward. relaxation techniques I had read about, hand books, I do not buy as many as I so I ensured that physically I was as used to as I have nearly run out of space “Oh, that’s the loose tooth we pinned comfortable as possible and then I at home. However, I did come across one some time ago, remember?” said the began to focus intently on something very attractive tome a few months ago dentist “and it’s now sheared off along other than what the dentist was doing. entitled “The 1,000 Day Battle” by James the pin line.” I didn’t in fact remember. This seemed to work well and the dental Hoseason. The objective of the book is “I’ll make you an appointment with my activity began to recede substantially. recorded on the front cover as being: Saturday extraction man. We ought Unfortunately, all good things come to to dig out the pin, the stump and the an end as very soon I became aware of An illustrated account of operations roots before they begin to decay and some rather panic stricken cries of “Are in Europe of the 8th Air Force’s 2nd cause problems.” you alright?” Apparently I had dropped Air Division, 1942 to 1945, including off to sleep and this had freaked out particularly its 448th Bomb Group and And so it was that I was shuffling my both the dentist and the nurse. other B-24 units based in East Anglia’s way into the dentist’s chair one Saturday Waveney Valley. 111 THE SCRIBBLER The book was published in November Airfields of East Anglia those who attended on the needs of the 1979 and its rather flimsy cover was “mainframe” housed in glorious isolation beginning to separate from the rest of There must be more than 100 airfields in its air-conditioned space. the book. Even so, it was priced in excess in East Anglia, most of which were built of what I would normally expect to pay, specially for the use of the American Later, in the 90s another boffin predicted but it did seem to offer a locally based Army Air Force from 1942 onwards. that a patient needing an operation view of what happened, so I decided to Some airfields were already in existence could be admitted to a local hospital and buy it. and were transferred to AAAF use. After be operated on, by remote control as the war, most became redundant and it were, by a surgeon in, say, California. Imagine my chagrin when reading were transferred to the RAF. Some are At the Q&A session at the end of this chapter one, I had serious doubts about still used operationally by either the RAF presentation, I asked if I was the patient the accuracy of the 5th paragraph, or the Americans. requiring an operation, would it be which stated that: possible using this technology, for me I want to focus here on the former to be sent to California and operated on 22 February 1942 was a key date… No air airfield at Martlesham Heath, Suffolk. remotely from, say, Ipswich? No answer battles were involved… But 3 matters of This was designated as USAAF station was forthcoming, showing, at the very great importance did take place in and number 369 during the war and was least, that boffins may be able to predict from Southern England. home to a number of fighter squadrons. the future but have no sense of humour. After the war the station transferred 1. Air Marshal Arthur Harris arrived at to the RAF and was used for a variety Adastral Park is probably the most High Wycombe to take up his new of purposes, including experimental hi-tech use of a former airfield where appointment as Commander of RAF work. When RAF use ceased, the site elements of its former use can still Bomber Command was known as the Post Office Research be identified on site. Elsewhere the Station, but it was subsequently infrastructure, i.e. concrete tracks and 2. General Ira Eaker and 6 senior US renamed BT Research Laboratories, dispersal points, of some airfields have Army Officers arrived in England as and later Adastral Park, to reflect an become industrial estates or are used an advanced detachment to prepare expansion in the organisations and for some agriculturally-related purpose. the groundwork for the V111 Bomber activities co-located with BT. After 70 years the location of nearly Command of the American Army Air every airfield can be identified by Corps While writing this piece, there was an physical remains still around, whether item on the radio discussing some of these are memorials, isolated groups of 3. British forces staged a successful raid the Research Laboratories’ current work. difficult to place buildings “in the middle on a German radar station at Brune- Having worked locally for many years, of nowhere,” control towers, hangars or a val in Northern France, capturing and I have attended a number of such talks lot of concrete. taking home some of its advanced and have listened to many dramatic radar equipment. announcements. For example, back in For those readers who do not live in the 70s a BT boffin predicted that in a Norfolk or Suffolk; why not come over Inexplicably, the author fails to mention few years, and before any of us present here and stay for a few days in order to a matter of even more importance which retired, in our office environment we sharpen up your observational skills? took place on that date, 22/02/1942, would see a computer terminal or a namely the birth of yours truly, The personal computer on everyone’s desk. Suffolk Scribbler. How we all laughed at this, particularly

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 21, ISSUE 2, SUMMER 2016

The dentist - an encore I should have spotted the bad signs into the dentist’s chair one week later as having got a firm appointment, the without, apparently, a care in the world. After the successful extraction as timing was adjusted twice before the After the usual pleasantries we made reported in the last issue of Terrier, I was due date arrived. However, I was up a start. I manoeuvred myself into a less urged to avoid compromising the gap bright and early on the agreed Saturday uncomfortable position in the by now by chewing on the other side, at least and ready to go when the phone rang. fully reclined dentist’s chair and “opened temporarily. This immediately brought Apparently the Saturday man had just wide,” as requested, while the dentist about the collapse of another tooth; in rung in sick and so all his appointments began the usual cheery banter with fact, the mirror image of the previous were cancelled but the regular dentist the nurse. Almost at once things began extraction. This time, what was left felt was prepared to do the business on the to go wrong. The dentist’s opening like a long extinct volcano and so an following Saturday at 9am; agreed! gambit was to grip the exposed side of appointment was made for a return visit the tooth with dental pliers and give to the Saturday extraction man. And so it was that I was shuffling my way the tooth a few exploratory twists and

112 THE SCRIBBLER pulls. With what seemed like a very loud something was unsettling my reversing investigation into the dog trade that CRACK!! most of the exposed side of the bleepers, which were sounding off even uses secret filming to explore the supply tooth then broke off and so it was that when I was only halfway into the space. chain of the nation’s favourite pet. the dentist then had to spend the next As I could not see anything suspicious in Reporter Sam Poling uncovers shocking 15 minutes wrestling with the remainder my mirrors, I tried twisting round in the truths about how some of these dogs of the tooth before, finally, drilling it out. driver’s seat and looking over my right are being bred.” shoulder. Still nothing; so I tried twisting I think it goes without saying that round while trying to stick my head out It was certainly an horrific expose of both dentist and patient had had of the side window. the depths plumbed by some parts more than enough of this particular of the puppy trade. However, on the extraction by then. It was at this point that I felt a couple of same evening the BBC transmitted a ribs rubbing together and a tremendous programme called ‘Choose the Right A painful encounter in the pain from the right hand side of my Puppy for you’ from 8pm to 9pm on Waitrose car park chest. In short I have severely bruised BBC2; and the blurb for this reads: ribs; a problem which I am finding is “Characteristics, habits and needs Normally the car park of my local very difficult to treat and live with [Ed – of different breeds of dog...Animal Waitrose is a very civilised and this man is a liability!]. behaviourist Louise Glazebrook is also unremarkable location which I visit once on hand to help prospective owners find per week. On this particular occasion, Puppies and the BBC the right puppy for them…” perhaps out of devilment, or a need to change my routine, I decided to reverse On 16 May I happened to watch the I don’t recall a mention in this following into my chosen space rather than just Panorama programme ‘Britain’s Puppy programme of the issues of puppy driving straight in and reversing out. Dealers Exposed.’ The blurb for the dealing. Perhaps the BBC needs to get its programme, transmitted from 7.30 pm scheduling and referencing in order? Although there was plenty of room, to 8 pm on BBC1 reads as follows: “An

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 21, ISSUE 3, AUTUMN 2016 The Suffolk time traveller

It all started back in June 2016 during an exceptional period of hot dry weather. Thunderstorms were forecast anytime during the day.

And sure enough it started to rain about lunch time and the unmistakeable signs of a thunderstorm nearby were soon evident. Over to the west the sky became very black and although it was not possible to hear and see the neighbouring thunder and lightning, which would have been very, very frightening, there was no doubt that a thunderstorm was coming our way.

Within a matter of minutes, the rain was quite a relief when the power finally clock unit had not worked at all for about began to develop in intensity and it went down altogether. The storm then 12 months and I was set on replacing became so dark indoors that it was moved on fairly quickly and after a few the unit anyway, as a microwave with no necessary to switch lights on. I cannot minutes, electric power was restored. timer is pretty useless. remember now if we did get thunder and lightning but the repetitive The first job to get on with in this Having sorted out the clock situation dimming and brightening of the lights situation is to reset the digital time across the board, I thought it was time indicated that we would lose power displays that are built into most items to watch a bit of telly so switched on before the storm passed us by. of electric equipment these days. It was and discovered another change had then that I noticed that the clock on the occurred. My lovely flat screen TV system However, this light show did seem to go microwave was flashing away like all the is fed by 2 aerials and has 2 controllers, on for a very long time and eventually it others. This was strange as the timer/ one of which acts through the TV itself 113 THE SCRIBBLER and is fed by a standard TV aerial on the the first programme up was a genuine all in place and all that is required now is roof, and the other controls the SKYbox episode of ‘Hi-de-Hi’, followed by an my input to tidy up the copy. which in turn is fed by the SKY satellite episode of ‘Yes, Prime Minister’, of a dish. For many months now it had only similar vintage. Unfortunately, what with one thing been possible to control the TV through and another, I have not yet been able the SKYbox and my impression was that This then made me wonder whether to focus on this, but I anticipate that the ordinary TV aerial had ceased to I had travelled back in time to a date this might be possible over the coming work altogether. However, the power when everything worked OK. winter period. However, when originally disruption had sorted out whatever the conceived, the project title was quite problem had been and now everything Watch this space! accurate as we were just coming up was “back to normal”. to 50 Scribblers, whereas this piece is “Fifty Not Out” actually number 57. With the benefit of hindsight, I now wish I had had the courage to stick my fingers For some time now the Editor and I have ‘57 Not Out’ does not make for such a into a power socket during the power been considering a possible project catchy title as 50 Not Out; but I hope disruption. Who knows how many of my known as ‘50 Not Out’. This may have that I am not tempted to let more time long-term health problems might have been mentioned briefly in a previous pass so we can call it ‘60 Not Out’. been resolved as well? Scribble column. The intention is to bring together all previously published [Ed – I will give a fiver to the first person Or is there another explanation? My Suffolk Scribbler pieces in a pdf that spots the phrase from a popular next move was actually to power up the document and circulate an electronic song – a song which I personally hate, telly in order to watch something and copy to each reader. The infrastructure is actually, and Scribbler well knows this.].

THE SUFFOLK SCRIBBLER VOLUME 21, ISSUE 4, WINTER 2016/17

50 Not Out mobile; hence the delay with the Watch this space! aforementioned project and my lack of The simplest way to start off a new appearance at ACES meetings for the Weather news piece is to report back on any promises past 2 years or so. made in the last piece. In 2016 Autumn About 10 days ago we had the first really 2016 Terrier I mentioned that for There is light at the end of the tunnel. foggy day for quite some time. And some time now the Editor and I had For many years now I have been in as this coincided with the anniversary been considering a project known contact with a nutritionist who has a of the death, 10/12/2016, of weather as 50 Not Out the intention of which lot to say on my current problems. She forecaster Ian McCaskill, this naturally is to bring together all previously remains unconvinced by the diagnostic invited the media to remind us of some published Suffolk Scribbler pieces methods used here and felt that my of the many humorous stories involving in a pdf document and circulate an problems could be triggered by alien this "lovely man" who brought "sunshine electronic copy to every member. The toxins already absorbed by my body to people's lives". He actually retired in infrastructure is all in place and all that rather than a full blown “Parkinson 1998 and was recognised for his Scottish is required now is my input to tidy up Disease” attack. Accordingly, I have accent and known during his career the copy. I mentioned last time that already had an analysis done and his for his exuberance and enthusiasm for I had not yet been able to focus on has produced some, to me, surprising anticyclones, warm fronts and isobars. this, but anticipated that it might be results. He became the most imitated BBC TV possible to make some progress over weather forecaster during his 20 years the then coming winter period. The main toxins found were ‘Roundup’, presenting weather for the corporation which tested very high, as well as and even had his own Spitting Image Sadly I have to report that no asbestos and 2 others sourced from puppet. His daughter, Kirsty, said of him progress has been made as yet. In the compost heap fumes. On a lesser "Ian was a truly lovely man who loved circumstances it might be appropriate level toluene, methyl alcohol, methyl his family unconditionally and brought to say why. The main problem I have chloride, formaldehyde and metals lots of sunshine to people's lives with his is a general lack of energy caused from the environment and dental friendly smile, kindness and sharp wit. by what has been diagnosed, so far, fillings also tested. He will be deeply missed." as “parkinsonism.” This means, as I understand it, that I have some of The good news is that the experts My favourite anecdote concerned a the symptoms of Parkinson’s disease believe that now it is known what forecast made when the whole country without necessarily having the whole the toxins are they can be reduced was blanketed by a traditional “pea thing. Consequently most of my energy chemically, which means taking souper” and Ian diligently ploughed is taken up trying to keep physically additional tablets. through his forecast that offered not a

114 THE SCRIBBLER 1st Terrier, Volume 7, Issue 1, Spring 2002 crumb of comfort to anyone anywhere in the UK. Also as this forecast was made in the pre-digital age, the forecaster had to embellish each forecast by sticking magnetic icons onto the studio weather map and early on in this forecast, Ian had duly stuck the letters “F”, “O” and “G” onto the map but failed to notice that one of them, namely “F”, had fallen off.

Thus Ian delivered most of his very downbeat forecast against a map showing the whole of the UK covered in “OG”. He realised this at the end of his piece and in close-up he showed his concern by saying in his most sympathetic and concerned voice, “Sorry about the “F in FOG.”

60th Terrier Volume 21, Issue 4, Winter 2016/17

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