The Kelly Cold New York City Wa n t s By Lisa Vo l t a i r e that he will contact after our conversa- ______tion, so they can solve the cold prob- lem. You to Get Some There is a cold problem in Kelly. It’s By Amelia Fischer success. The city’s decision to causing trouble for the cashiers and the ______promote the condom has come under fire students who are eating there. T h e y T h e r e is no doubt, after from the Roman Catholic Church. In a have to wear coats and gloves, while walking into the last On Valentines Day, the New York City joint statement, Cardinal Edward Egan struggling to finish their burritos. Health Department introduced the first and Brooklyn Bishop Nicholas DiMarzio Maria Diaz has been a Kelly cashier dining hall, that there city-branded condom.” The NYC decried the condom as a promotion of for sixteen years, and according to her, is a temprature pro b l e m Condom will be free to individuals and “ i n d e c e n c y,” stating that they felt City Kelly has been cold in the winter, but clinics, and they will be available at mul- Hall, “fail to protect the moral tone of our never this bad. Diaz sits close to where in Kelly. tiple locations throughout the city. T h e community when they encourage inap- the freezing air is running from down- NYC Health Department has been dis- propriate sexual activity by blanketing stairs. She is wrapped in a blanket, scarf tributing free condoms since 1971, and our neighborhoods with condoms.” and a hot fan is frequently working “It shouldn’t be like this,” Lestrange the campaign has grown steadily over the Mayor Bloomberg fought back, using his behind her. This is the situation Diaz says as we walk through Kelly’s dining years. In recent years, the Health weekly radio show to state that, “This is deals with every day. She works for six halls to find where it’s cold. In the first Department has distributed about 2.5 not an issue of faith, this is a health issue hours and has one break. She believes room, the temperature is moderate. In million condoms yearly. This new public- for the city.” The Mayor added, “They i t ’s Kelly’s new ceiling that’s causing the second, it’s considerably colder. ity campaign and fresh branding eff o r t [The Roman Catholic Church] should the cold and the downstairs doors to There is no doubt, after walking into are expected to hopefully increase that preach to their congregants what they Kelly that are often left open by stu- the last dining hall, that there is a tem- number to about 18 million condoms per think is the appropriate ways to live your dents. Diaz’s supervisor knows about perature problem in Kelly. This is also y e a r. Officials hope that distribution of lives, but the health department has to the cold, yet Diaz witnesses no changes. evident from the crowd who are watch- the condom will help stop the spread of work with the real world of people not Dennis Lestrange will be in his off i c e ing a movie for a Global Studies event, HIV/AIDS and other STDs as well as practicing protected sex, not practicing this Friday evening and has promised while fully clad in winter coats. In addi- stymie the number of unwanted and abstinence, and this is a ways to keep me a few minutes for my questions. tion, a student asks if we are there people alive.” Lestrange is the Resident District because of the cold situation and tells Manager of Stony Brook’s Campus us he brought the audience hot choco- Dining Services. When he was made late to make them stay. It’s obvious the “This is not an issue aware that the students are negatively cold is a problem in Kelly. of faith, this is a a ffected by the cold in Kelly, he was I finish my interview with Mr. more generous with his time. Lestrange Lestrange outside the hall, and we both health issue tells me the doors are the reason why make an agreement to follow the cold for the city. ” for the cold, not the ceiling. He men- issue in Kelly. Lestrange hopes there tions the Physical Plant. Department, can be a change in three to four weeks. Michael Bloomberg Mayor of New York City

Hye Hye Birdie The debate over the moral decency of city-sponsored condoms will continue to By Kotei A o k i changed. The temperature rose above wage on long after the PR-buzz of the ______40 (the day's highest was 49 F). To o condom itself wears off. What cannot be ambitious I was. I wore three short- ignored is the need for the public to After Punxsutawney Phil's prediction sleeve t-shirts and headed out of my NYCCondom.org become more aware of the fact that con- failed, the Roth Pond was frozen solid. dorm for the day. First thing everyone Take the A Train to Pleasure Town! doms are the most efficient way to The temperature stayed in the lower 20s noticed was that the pond water was unplanned pregnancies. engage in safe sex, regardless of religious while it felt as if it was in the negative. being replaced. Yes, water was pumped The new condom is pure New Yo r k beliefs. This is a frank and sobering By early February, students littered on into the Roth Pond. Amazingly it con- City: it stands out with a multi-colored, e ffort by the City and is one that deserves the natural pond rink, threw garbage tinued until late at night. While the subway-style lettering wrapper, giving a some applause. cans on the ice, pricked bars through the water was filling up the pond, the sheet whole new meaning to the Duke Right now, most of the locations listed sheet of ice, enjoyed the friction-less of ice became submerged. Thick ice still Ellington standard “Take The A Tr a i n . ” on the website are bars, taverns, clubs surface, played hockey, been caught by covered the other half of the pond. The ad-campaign is witty and bright, fea- and barber shops. This honest acknowl- university police, and actually skidded Next day, I could not help grinning at turing phrases like “NYC Condoms- Get edgement that condoms are necessary for on skate shoes. The ice already seemed the scene by the Roth Pond. Finally! Some,” “New Yo r k ’s hottest new wrap- the protection of the public’s collective i n v i n c i b l e . Geese are back on campus. Still there p e r,” and “New York, we’ve got you cov- health is a great step forward for the were only a few. We could expect more ered,” in Spanish and English. The ads Health Department, and New York City arrivals later. They are the sign of adorn subway cars, busses and posters as a whole. Hopefully other cities will Spring for Stony Brook University. I throughout the city, making it impossible become jealous and start creating their only remember seeing two geese though for residents and commuters alike to not own brand of condoms. I’d be willing to I am certain there were a few more. One be aware of the new offering. Any New bet that San Francisco is next with their was on the side of the water. The other York City business or organization can very own brand of “City By The Bay” was already swimming in the icy cold distribute these free condoms. Soon the condoms. Hopefully, the new ad cam- w a t e r. I could clearly see the thin public will be able to pick up a free con- paign will drastically increase condom chunks of ice floating on the surface. dom or two with the morning coffee, or usage, decrease the spread of sexually The goose was trying to get through afternoon sandwich, from the local transmitted diseases and unwanted preg- them, as a ship tries to sail through f a r m e r ’s market, or even from the hot nancies. sheets of ice in the Arctic. dog vendor while grabbing a quick snack Welcome back...shall we just call in Midtown. It is this collaboration with To find out more about where to get Kotei Aoki them…geese? Let's see if more of their A Water Fowl local businesses and organizations that your very own free NYC Condoms, go to pecking around the Roth Pond will start o fficials hope will make the campaign a w w w. n y c c o n d o m . o rg On We d n e s d a y, February 21, things soon. Spring - here it comes! www.thestonybrookpress.com 2 Is it Hallow e e n A l r e a dy? Nope, I t ’s Only Va l e n t i n e ’s Day By Ilyssa Fuchs Comprehensive sex education teaches ______abstinence as well as provides informa- tion about contraception, sexually If you walked through the SAC lobby transmitted infections, and HIV/AIDS” last Tuesday you might have noticed a (Gina M. D'Andrea, PPHP). Students woman dressed up in a costume repre- that visited the table were asked to fill senting a life sized case of birth control out and sign pre-written post cards pills, you may have even thought to yourself, what is she thinking? No, it No, it was not Halloween, it was not Halloween, it was almost Va l e n t i n e ’s Day, and no she wasn’t was almost Valentine’s Day, c r a z y, she was dressed up as “Packie” and no she wasn’t crazy, the life-size pack of birth control pills in an attempt to promote safe sex before she was dressed up as the BIG LOVE (or lots and lots of wild, s w e a t y, animal sex) holiday. In this “Packie” the life-size joined effort to bring students' attention pack of brith control pills to preventing unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, the which requested that NYS Senators Stony Brook Wo/Men's Center teamed support the bill. These postcards also up with Planned Parenthood Hudson “thanked New York State A s s e m b l y Peconic (PPHP) and “Packie” (a sure- member Steven Englebright for spon- fire way to attract people towards your soring a bill that would require all table, I mean what is better than a giant S U N Y and CUNY campuses to have birth control costume?). The program e m e r gency contraception available on

Ilyssa Fuchs Walking Talking Pill Containers, Wow, Don’t See That Everyday was also set up to raise awareness about campus, as well as providing accurate, prevention legislation in New Yo r k . up-to-date information about emer- C u r r e n t l y, the federal government (and gency contraception to students” that asshole Bush) has been dead set on (D’Andrea). As well as filling out post- teaching abstinence sex education in cards, students who dropped by the schools rather than teaching safe sex table were entitled to pick up free con- education. Everyone knows this is a dom key chains, pens, and a variety of bunch of bull because more and more stickers and buttons. Overall, the day teenagers are having sex everyday and was not only successful, but helped to abstinence education is not stopping prove that a little bit of grass roots lob- them, in fact teaching abstinence may bying can go a long way! even make teenagers more likely to (If you are interested in learning want to get down and dirty for the first more about how you can support pre- time. Recognizing this, PPHP and the vention initiatives and what PPHP i s Wo / M e n ’s Center are supporting a new doing in Suffolk County, visit their legislation, known as The Healthy website at http://www. p p h p . o rg / ) Teens Act. This act “will create a grant Put in a lil blurb on the bottom about program to fund comprehensive, med- how the token lesbian wrote an art i c l e ically-accurate sex education programs. on birth control lol : )

www.thestonybrookpress.com 3 Drunken Intruders and Mid-year TAP Incompetent Po l i c e adjustments By Amelia Fisher very much money, and it would greatly ______help students who experience traumatic Officers in the We s t events during the school year. The Tuition Assistance Program (TAP) There is an income eligibility ceiling in for New York State students is generally a place at $80,000, so no family making successful and helpful program for the more than that can receive TAP. However, Ap a r t m e n t s 60% of full-time students statewide who this income limit is unnecessarily restrain- By Adina Silverbush the intruders. The residents were able to receive it. In fact, New York State boasts ing. Families who make $80,001 cannot ______point out one of the intruders to the officer, one of the best need-based financial aid benefit at all from TAP. Many of these but the officers didn’t, according to the res- programs in the country. However, the pro- families are still in need of the financial On Saturday, February 17th, five drunk- idents, write down the man’s name or ask gram needs serious improvements, espe- aid. A fairer income scale must be put in en men in their early twenties broke into a him for an ID. He claimed to be a student cially regarding mid-year adjustments, place to accommodate these families. female suite located in the We s t at Utica College. income ceilings, and time limits. Students from middle-class families Apartments. Witnesses say they woke up The residents saw from their window The award a student receives is based should not be restricted from receiving to the sounds of loud banging, male voic- the men getting away and said, “look offi- on a sliding income scale, calculated by needed awards. es, and vomiting. Two of the apartment’s cer, they’re going into that white car,” but residents as well as one guest were present still the officers made no attempt to go at the time of the crime. The men had after them. Bear in mind, these vandals entered the apartment through the suite were allegedly very intoxicated, and the door, which had accidentally been left officers let them drive away drunk. unlocked. Apparently, these men had been at a party down the hall, though the host of These vandals were allegedly the party claims he doesn’t know them. The residents entered their apartment very intoxicated, and the offi - common room from their bedrooms at about 3 am expecting to find another one cers let them drive away drunk of their suitemates and her friends but instead were frightened by the sight of five strangers who, according to the residents, Since the door was unlocked the offi- were “obviously very intoxicated.” One cers made the residents feel like there was resident immediately called 911, and nothing to be done about the intruders, police arrived within five minutes. since they had not technically “broken in.” However, it took the police another five The men did conduct illegal activity minutes to gain access to the building from though; not only did they trespass, they the RHD (resident hall director) and actu- also caused a lot of damage, as well as ally get up to the room. threatened the residents. One such threat actually was made in front of the officers by another drunken partier, and again it Google.com was ignored by authorities. Trying to grapple with material Investigation is now being done as to last year’s taxes.However, mid-year There are other obstacles to making why the police officers were so negligent adjustments of awards are not allowed. If a TAP accessible and fair for all of New in their proceedings, as well as why the student or a student’s family experiences a York’s students. Unfortunately, a student police report given to the Stony Brook drastic, unexpected change in income dur- can only receive TAP for four years. This Statesman read, “Owners called for assis- ing the year, their financial aid cannot be historically conventional amount of time tance and the unidentified males were adjusted to accommodate them. T h e s e for finishing college is no longer realistic. gone on police arrival.” This is obviously drastic income changes are usually the Many students take five years or more to Adina Silverbush We Gots Your Shoes Bitches!!! completely false information. result of traumatic events such as a death complete their degree in order to have time The intruders, who by this point had The apartment has been cleaned by the in the family, loss of employment, illness to work, study abroad, or do an internship. vomited all over the common room floor campus cleaning maids, but no money in in the family, or having a family member This aspect of TAP becomes especially and in the kitchen sink, spilled water damages has been received at this point. called to active duty in the military. These limiting when taking into consideration everywhere, ripped the table cloth, The host of the party said he’d take full events are difficult enough for students, students who need mid-year adjustments; scratched up all the chairs, made a hole in responsibility and pay the residents for many of whom are struggling to pay for if they can’t get their adjustments and must the wall, exploded the residents’ food all their ruined food and ripped table cloth. their education already. Ensuring that leave school, they will have even less TAP over their microwave, threw a stuffed ani- The university also said that the party hosts financial aid can be adjusted in the event of aid available to them when they return. It mal into the garbage, and “decorated” the are responsible because the intruders were an income change would greatly help this is simply unacceptable to subject hard- walls and floor with the girls’ food and hot “guests” at their party, though, if the host group of students. working students to a financial aid “ticking sauce, had finally, after arguing with the didn’t even know these men should he It is not a trivial population of students clock.” residents, left the apartment. They then really be responsible for these party crash- who need this mid-year adjustment. TAP is a generally successful program, proceeded to go down the hall to the party ers? However, it wouldn’t be an overwhelming but it needs expansion and reform. Reform that was still in progress. leaving a pair of This investigation hopes to reveal who cost to taxpayers. 12,866 New York State of the program must match the growing sneakers and a black skull cap behind. these vandals were and why, if they were students applied for adjustment of their desire among young people for a college The residents took the police officers to not Stony Brook students, were they on federal financial aid (Pell Grants) in the education and the growing difficulty in the party and pointed out who the intruders campus at all. If you have any information, middle of the 2004 academic year. It is paying college tuition among middle-class were but the officers were non-responsive, please contact us at [email protected]. imperative that the New York State Americans. possibly overwhelmed by the party (about More investigative information on this and Legislature supports this student-friendly If you are interested in working on high- 100 people) going on. The party was bro- other campus news can be found at legislation to allow mid-year TAP adjust- er education reform, contact the New York ken up, and some party guests tried to hide w w w. S B I n e w s . o rg . ments. It would not cost the government Public Interest Research Group (NYPIRG) www.thestonybrookpress.com 4 Robert Anton Wilson, British to Pull Author, Dead at 74 1,600 Troops By Andrew Pernick emulate the fear-inducing power of media ______reports, as in “The President has ordered a nation-wide curfew starting at 11 p m from Basra, I r a q Robert Anton Wilson, prolific author, fnord.” As part of his efforts to further futurist, and former Playboy Forum editor, awareness of the rights of the individual, By Scott E. Silsbe l y. The Guard i a n has reported the British partly responsible for the obsession with Wilson also advocated instructing juries of ______commander in southern Iraq, Major the number 23 and co-author (with Robert their right of “jury nullification,” under General Richard Shirreff, as calling the Shea) of the cult classic parody conspiracy which a jury can rule a guilty defendant On Wednesday the 21st British Prime troop reduction “reasonable.” Indeed, sec- novels The Illuminatus! Trilogy, died on not guilty due to the jury’s perceived view Minister Tony Blair announced that he tarian violence in Basra has decreased sig- January 11th as a result of post-polio syn- that the laws under which the defendant is would be withdrawing 1,600 British nificantly in the past few months. As well, drome at the age of 74. being tried are immoral, illegal, unconsti- troops from Iraq. Though this would still the Iraqi army and police units have been As leader of the so-called “Guns and tutional, or against their own personal leave roughly 5,500 British troops in Iraq, found more capable, allowing the British Dope Party,” Wilson led an unsuccessful beliefs. it represents one of the most significant to remain on ‘standby. ’ The long-term run for governor in California’s special A believer that the world is taking itself decreases in British troop strength in Iraq plan is for British troops to have less of a election of 2003, after which he took his too seriously, Wilson also founded parody since the start of the war. Britain has been, presence overall in the city, withdrawing party’s platform of bringing 2nd and 10th associations, such as CSICON – the throughout the war, the United States’ from the streets and maintaining a pres- Amendment rights to the public eye Committee for the Surrealist Investigation staunchest ally, but Prime Minister Blair ence only within the limits of the Basra (including the parodist notion that 33 of of Claims of the Normal, a dig at CSICOP, has taken a significant hit in the polls as of a i r b a s e . the 100 seats in the House of the Committee for the Scientific late due to the Iraq Wa r ’s unpopularity The response of the Bush Representatives should be replaced by Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal, among the usually stolid British. Administration has, of course, been to ostriches, with the congressmen selected at designed to debunk or prove paranormal random); the leaglization of the medicinal activities such as ghosts, E.S.P., UFOs, and use of marijuana; and the notion that every the like. person should run for president national Wilson, a self-proclaimed “model for the 2004 Presidential race. agnostic,” also campaigned for what he termed “maybe logic,” which introduced the notion of trinary logic (true, false, and maybe), instead of the binary logic system used in deduction. He is also credited with the creation of the neologism “sombunall” (some but not all), used in his E-Prime campaign to eliminate the verb “to be” from the English language. Also responsible for bringing the former African colony of Fernando Poo to the public’s attention in his The Illuminatus! Trilogy, Wilson strongly advocated the lib- eration of the mind from popular culture and, in so doing, helped launch the coun- tercultural movements of Discordianism, modern Zen, Futurology, and the works of BBC Because God knows, pulling out is the best option Timothy Leary. An examiner of the sub- conscious mind’s effects on the conscious Blair dealt with the undeniable fact of characterize this as representative of suc- Courtesy of Fnord mind, he devoted several books, including I r a q ’s deterioration as most pro-Iraq Wa r cess in Iraq. If the British have decided to Don’t see the Fnord his analysis of James Joyce’s (Wilson’s politicians have. The Prime Minister decrease their footprint in Iraq, it must He earned a PhD in psychology from an favorite author and the only writer Wilson noted that, while the situation in Basra mean that the Iraqis are ready to handle unaccredited university in 1974 and fur- ever took seriously) Finnegan’s Wake, to (the southern Iraqi city where the British things themselves. However, The New thered the concept he and Shea termed the interplay between the Jungian subcon- have their primary presence) is not what York Ti m e s has reported that the Pentagon “Operation Mindfuck,” a collection of psy- scious, quantum physics (a topic that runs he would like to see, this “does mean that does not see things as going well in Iraq. chological attacks on the minds of those through his parallel-dimensional opus The the next chapter in Basra’s history can be In its most recent report to Congress, the who were capable of being tricked by their Schrodenger’s Cat Trilogy), and alinear, written by Iraqis.” Whether or not Pentagon characterizes Basra as an area (among others’) assaults. The Guns and stream-of-consciousness, modernist fic- B l a i r ’s and others’ faith in the resolve of still suffering from significant sectarian Dope party, his fiction writings, and his tion. the Iraqi people to do something other conflict and “not ready for transition” membership as a Pope in both the He became a widower in 1999 when his than kill each other is misplaced will not from Coalition control. Discordian and Church of the SubGenius wife, Arlen Riley Wilson, died as a result be known until more significant troop Great Britain is not the only member of are counted as among his Operation of multiple strokes. His daughter, Luna, withdrawals have occurred. This is unlike- the western coalition to decide it may be Mindfuck activities. As part of his died as a result of a brutal assault in 1974 ly to happen anytime soon, however, as time to call it quits. South Korea, with Operation Mindfuck activities, he mixed at the age of 15 in an attempted robbery. any depletion in British forces will be roughly 2,300 troops in Iraq, is the 3rd factual events with fiction to trick the pop- Wilson was buried in Santa Cruz, more than made up by President Bush’s l a rge st Coalition force in Iraq. Its govern- ulace, in accordance with the Discordian California, five days after writing on his controversial troop surge plan. ment has approved a one-third reduction ideals he toyed with. blog his farewell to the living: “I look for- As for the state of Basra at current, in force strength, which is already down An advocate of individual rights, ward without dogmatic optimism but with- British defense officials are apparently from over 3,000 in late 2005. Poland is Wilson parodied the psychological triggers out dread. I love you all and I deeply optimistic. The troop drawdown comes at planning on pulling out its 900 troops this he believed were used by media to instill implore you to keep the lasagna flying. the end of the British Operation Sinbad. y e a r. Other prominent players that have fear and paranoia in the populace, leading Please pardon my levity, I don't see how to The Operation was designed to stifle vio- since left are Spain (whose resolve col- to the creation of the parodic pseudo-trig- take death seriously. It seems absurd.” He lence in Basra by dividing the city into 18 lapsed after the 2004 train bombings), ger “fnord,” a nonsense word designed to is survived by his three children. regions, subjugating each one individual- I t a l y, and Japan. www.thestonybrookpress.com 5 E d i t o r i a l s

Editorial Board

Executive Editor Give it Up Statesman! Jowy Romano Managing Editor A n d r ew Pernick As made clear from a nauseating disregard for the cover of this issue, credible reporting. The fact Associate Editor Alex ‘AWA L’ Wa l s h The Pre s s has a tradi- that they continue to seem- Business Manager tion of using outlandish ingly act as a megaphone Adina Silverbush humor as a way of for embarrassing FSA P r oduction Manager exposing (no pun excuse making is downright Jesse ‘DP’ S c h o e p f e r intended) our dissatis- laughable. And while we News Editors Rebecca Kleinhaut faction with certain are very aware that it is the Madeline Scheckter people, the Stony tradition of The Statesman F e a t u res Editor Brook administration, to resemble an elementary Steve McLinden the government, among school PTA bulletin, we’d A r ts Editor B e r ta Rezik others. This week, prefer it if it were at least though, our anger is tar- clearly stated. Photo Editors Vincent Michael Festa geted at our neighbors The introduction of the Joey Safdia down here in the Union most recent S t a t e s m a n e d i - Copy Editors Elizabeth Kaplan basement. On February torial reads as follows, Alex Nagler 19th, The Statesman “Recruiting competent We b m a s t e r published an article workers, dealing with Chris Wi l l i a m s called “Students employee pay and benefits, A u d i o m a s t e r Disgruntled at Campus trying not to get ripped off Kristine Renigen Dining” as well as an by vendors, all while trying O m b u d s m a n Rob Pearsall editorial called to keep prices reasonable “Campus Dining and stable must be quite the Deserves Benefit of the juggling act, and thank god Doubt.” This is quite the FSA is up to the task.” M i n i s t e r of A r c h i v e s Joe Rios interesting as, The Pre s s , just five days earlier, had published Oh, yeah, thank god for the FSA—bring on the medals. I T M a n a g e r an in-depth, eight page meal plan exposé. Not once though, Newsflash, S t a t e s m a n (what, news? huh?), the FSA d o e s n ’t Joe Rios did The Statesman acknowledge the fact that their content even make those decisions. Compass Group and their $11 Distribution Manager was an obvious reaction to our meal plan exposé. This made billion in revenue does. But your staff doesn’t even know Joe Filippazzo their meal plan coverage seem like a rip off. And that’s that because you didn’t even bother to look it up—the same exactly what it was—a cheap, rip off and an FSA/Chartwells- way you didn’t take the time to rationalize Campus Dining Staff fellating regurgitation of our idea. Some of the editors even S e r v i c e ’s bullshit defense of “relatively high wages” to stu- Kotei Aoki Leeza Menon freely admitted that it was a reaction to our spread. dents at $7.15 per hour. Just for reference, that’s minimum Travis Aria James ‘Stkluv’Messina Nicole L. Barry Thomas Mets The Statesman’s meal plan coverage included similar con- w a g e . Shaun Bennett Jamie Mignone Melissa Bernardez Claire Mize tent to that which appeared in The Pre s s including price com- “…There is little to no energy left at the end of the day to James Blonde Dana Murray James Blonde’s Bike Irv Novoa parisons, information about the food contract and more. On focus on the shortcomings of the system,” you excused. Lucasz Chelminski Frank Nobiletti Jessica Cordero John ‘Caboose’ O’Dell the other hand, it did include one thing that The Pre s s d i d - “ With constant feedback and encouragement, we can go from Caroline D’Agati Karina Offurum n ’t—quotes from both FSA and Chartwells. One quote from a campus that gouges students to one that is more sensitive to Joe Donato Nirmala Ramsaran Melanie Donovan Berta Rezik Campus Dining’s Lisa Ospitale read, “We are not like Costco our needs,” you continued. Well, they got our feedback; our Michael Felder Miguel Sanchez Amelia Fischer Natalie Schultz or Walmart and we don’t buy things in bulk because we lack money should be all the encouragement they need. T h e r e Rob Gilheany Alison Schwartz David K. Ginn Karen Shidlo storage space. Hence, we don’t buy and sell food as econom- should never have been a gouging; how is it you justify that? Sam Goldman Scott Silsbe Joanna Goodman Rose Slupski ically as them.” This was among other excuses spewed in What the students need is a fair, credible food service. W h a t Stephanie Hayes Christine Tanaka The Statesman’s coverage. they don’t need is to be exploited and a faux-newspaper Dave Grohl Amberly Timperio Mo Ibrahim Claudia Toloza The real kicker is the huge conflict of interest occurring cleaning up the FSA name every time the fault goes their Alexander Kahn Lena Tumasyan Olga Kaplun Marcel Votlucka here. Both Chartwells (Campus Dining) and FSA c o n s t a n t l y w a y. So, neighbor, either stop reporting on FSA h a p p e n i n g s Michael Kelly Jake Wallace Yve Koon Brian Wasser take out ads in The Statesman. Just the concept that this altogether or put your money grubbing, grammatically Larry Lamb Ricky Whitcomb Antony Lin Matt Willemain ‘ n e w s p a p e r ’ supports their articles on quotes from the same incompetent hands back in your pocket and start looking out Mariana Martins Ed Zadorozny o rganization that funds the paper the quotes are printed on is for your fellow students.

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The Stony Brook Press Suites 060 & 061 or website-it-up big time at Student Union SUNY at Stony Brook Stony Brook, NY 11794-3200 w w w . t h e s t o n y b r o o k p r e s s . c o m (631) 632-6451 Voice (631) 632-4137 Fax Email: [email protected] Website: www.thestonybrookpress.com www.thestonybrookpress.com 6 L e t t e r s February 16th, 2007 Senate meetings is not important, or that it Dear A d i n a , Sometimes words fail even the wordiest To the media organizations of Stony d o e s n ’ t affect students. In fact, the of us. I thought and thought of a reply to Brook University: debates in the Senate are often over what Thank you for your reply. I appreciate "To Stony Brook's Band of Brothers" in policies we will follow in funding clubs or the Press's efforts to cover the the January 31st edition. For all my ver- I have seen that many campus publica- how the government is to be managed in U n d e rgraduate Student Government bosity, I could not improve upon words tions report that the Senate of the order to best serve the student body and and I do not mean to criticize the way in written almost 90 years ago by British poet U n d e rgra duate Student Government does not waste the student activity fee we are which you present much of your stories, Wilfred Owen: not focus its time on efforts relating to entrusted with. but I did wish to express disagreement issues of student life, rather, we spend For instance, the Senate recently debat- over the impression that the Senate suffers "If in some smothering dreams you too time debating internal management of the ed and passed new bylaws for the USG from too much I looking. could pace USG. I respectfully disagree, and contend Student Activities Board. Although it may Behind the wagon that we flung him that this perception is inaccurate because look like mere internal management, it In fact, I found the latest issue of the in, it only takes into consideration actions actually is extraordinarily important to Press extremely well-done in its coverage And watch the white eyes writhing in that take place at our weekly Senate meet- students. The changes made to the bylaws of USG and I believe that my past impres- his face, ings, which are a mere two hours while will make the board’s actions more trans- sion of the paper was misinformed. When His hanging face, like a devil's sick of some Senators spend up to ten hours per parent and less prone to bad decision- I was still a member of the USG Reform sin; week or more serving the students. making, insuring that it can put on the Party (as you may know, I left the party If you could hear, at every jolt, the When someone’s perspective on the best activities for the students. when I believed that it had become an blood Senate results from watching Senate Furthermore, it changed the rules of the obstacle to my goal to improve student life Come gargling from the froth-corrupt- meetings, I can understand why it may Board so that it is more welcoming to out- on campus) we often considered the Press ed lungs, appear we focus solely on our internal side students wishing to participate, and to be "the enemy" and I am sure that the politics. We do spend a lot of time debat- automatically gave each club one vote at party still does. However, I was very Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud ing bills that, at first glance, do not seem general meetings to encourage our diverse impressed with your recent reporting and Of vile, incurable sores on innocent to directly impact students. But consider array of clubs and their members to appreciate your paper's response to recent tongues, fact that the Senate’s powers are strictly become more active in event-planning for debates in USG (especially as it relates to My friend, you would not tell with limited, and largely reside in the manage- the student body. Romual's aides). such high zest ment of the student activity fee and the These types of policy enacted by the funding of clubs and activities. Senate, in addition to the budget process I do look forward to working with the To children ardent for some desperate Determining the budget and what funds undertaken by its budget committee, Press in the future and am always open to glory, clubs and activities will receive does demonstrate the dedication and eff o r t talking with the paper. The old Lie: Dulce et Decorum est directly affect the lives of students, but Senators put into endeavors serving the Pro patria mori." i t ’s dealt with in committee, and not the student body. It’s not fair to judge the Sincerely, Senate floor, leading to the misperception Senate only on the portion of hours Nathan Shapiro Wilson had firsthand experience of the that Senators do not address the needs of Senators spend per week at our regular meatgrinder that was World War I, and he s t u d e n t s . meetings when it’s miniscule compared to Hey guys, saw an entire generation of European The Senate budget committee dedicates the time spent on policies directly impact- youth slaughtered and crippled in the name more time to serving the students than ing student life on campus. I just wanted to take the opportunity to of national honor. He knew there's nothing many other members of the government, congratulate you on the research you did. about it worth celebrating. which is often overlooked in the media’s Respectfully, I read every single article and the combi- -Chris Sorochin reports on the Senate. While we have only Nathan Shapiro, Senator of the nation of points of view and ways of had two Senate meetings this semester, U n d e rgraduate Student Government. speech really worked beautifully. I've members of the budget committee and the already congratulated the SJA for their Treasurer have organized three budget work on campus and now I'd like to con- workshops and have begun the arduous Dear Nathan, gratulate you guys for a job well done. I process of holding hearings with every love to see students speak up. If they don't single club applying for funding. Thanks a lot for your letter and your then who will do it for them. To demonstrate the amount of time information. As a newspaper The Press these hearings consume, I myself spent a will try our best to take your often unseen I just and only graduated last May but total of over six hours in the Senate off i c e efforts into account, in future reporting, I'm still around campus and I lived and on Monday, February 12th, starting at 9 but we will continue to criticize and hope- still see the many problems with the am through 8 pm, drudged myself through fully encourage positive change in our stu- administration. Good luck! the ice and snow at 9:30 am on Va l e n t i n e ’s dent government where we see fit. We do Day for another marathon of hearings, and appreciate the hard work you and many of Take care, again did the same on T h u r s d a y. Other the other members of USG put in on the Senators on the committee have likewise student’s behalf. We encourage you and Odalis Hernandez spent hours in this process. your fellow senators to talk to us in the Spanish Coordinator To put this into perspective, when all is future, this way we'll have a better under- Driver Rehabilitation Program said and done, the budget process for this standing of what's going on and we'll be week alone will require more hours than able to better inform the students. PS. I want to send my love to Jowy and the total number of hours we will spend at Alex and let them know how happy it regular Senate meetings this semester. Thanks A g a i n , makes me to be able to read your arti- This is not to say that I believe what -Adina Silverbush cles. And Ms. Adina... Muah! does take up the time at our weekly Business Manager www.thestonybrookpress.com 7 State of the Undergraduate Student Gov’t February 12, 2007 cuisine such as curried goat, mahi mahi, USG and the University Senate exponen- 3. USG We b s i t e MEMORANDUM rum marinated chicken breast, oxtails, and t i a l l y. Our involvement in the Assembly was The USG website is now stony- To: USG Senate jerk pork stew. The menu will feature essential in confirming the legality of recent b r o o k u s g . o rg, Stonybrookusg.net and From: Romual Jean-Baptiste, President Golden Krust products such as coco bread amendments to our USG Constitution. We stonybrookusg.com. These domain names Subject: State of the Undergraduate Student and chicken, beef or veggie patties. A l s o hope to continue this tradition of involve- were purchased by USG. This website has Government (USG) enjoy fried plantains, callaloo soup and jerk ment and effectively expressing our collec- gone under great construction and is contin- chicken wraps. This area of dining will be tive voice on behalf of the underg r a d u a t e uously being updated. This new website It is with great enthusiasm that I present located in the Union. students of Stony Brook University will be highly promoted during this spring to you this report concerning the activities Weekend Activities Discount Initiative: throughout the spring semester. 2007 semester. We thank Senator Matt and progress of the Undergraduate Student The USG and Red Hot After Hours, a new Maiorella and the V P of Communications, Government. Fall 2006 was a semester we area in Student Activities devoted to 2. Fall 2006 Senate Legislation C l i fford Pierre, for getting this important should be proud of, it included many chal- increasing weekend life, have come togeth- Financial Bylaws – The Financial work started. lenges that were overcome in an impressive er to help Student Clubs/Organizations save Bylaws explained in a single, easy-to-refer- 4. USG Finance fashion and allows us to be able to say that money when they program on weekends. ence document how clubs, agencies and Fall Revision Process: We had $350,258 it was the most progressive and eff e c t i v e This new initiative entitles all clubs/org a n i- USG-recognized groups can receive fund- of rollover and additional enrollment funds semester ever experienced by the USG. zations to a ten percent (10%) discount ing. It also protects clubs from unlawful available to the senate budget committee. Some of the accomplishments of the fall when using USG A u d i o / Visual and/or USG government actions. The Fall Revision Process took place in semester included our ability to receive a Event Management. This is to encourage The Payroll Adjustment Act – This act order to give all USG funded entities an commitment from the Faculty Student student groups to hold programs during the not only adjusted the pay for employees to opportunity to partake in requesting any Association (FSA) to pursue an off campus weekends in order to further improve the bring it in accordance with New York's new necessary extra funding and most impor- debit program to be available for student use weekend atmosphere on campus. minimum wage laws, it also provided for a tantly to fund those clubs and Building during the spring semester. The Providing Leadershop: “Training for the leader in stipend system for the senate and the judici- Legislatives that had not yet been funded for Academic Support to Student Act (P. A . S . S . ) you.” Leadershop is a new initiative to a r y. this academic year. For any information program provides one-on-one tutoring to a fford students with the opportunity to The Ensurance (sic) of Justice and Rights regarding these allocations, please contact u n d e rgraduate students. The A ff o r d a b l e sharpen their l e a d e r s h i p skills. Leadershop Act – This act establishes a District the USG Tr e a s u r e r ’s Off i c e . Long Island Rail Road Tickets (ALIRRT ) is collaboration between USG and the Advocate of Justice to argue cases on behalf Act provides for discounted Off-Peak Long O ffice for Student Activities to offer our stu- of the USG Government and to prosecute 5. A p p o i n t m e n t s Island Railroad tickets to Jamaica and Penn. dents a “continuing education” for their own violations of USG laws and policies, and a The fall semester included the appoint- Station starting this spring. Also, the Online l e a d e r s h i p development! Department of Justice. It also established a ments of the SAB Chair, A u d i o / v i s u a l Reservation System, which makes it more Student Activities Board (SAB): As the Public Defender to assist students, clubs, C h a i r, Events Management Chair, Special convenient for clubs and organizations to activities agency of the USG, SAB has been o rganizations and other entities in USG Services Council (SSC) Chair, Justices to coordinate events and activities. doing a great job in proving themselves not judicial proceedings, and the Department of the Supreme Court and Judicial Council. only capable of planning and executing R i g h t s . 1. Campus Life worthwhile programs and events, and are The A ffordable Long Island Rail Road 6. Looking Forw a r d O ff-Campus Debit Program: Laundry extremely sensitive in their marketing and Tickets Act (ALIRRT) – Drafted and pro- We need to learn as individuals and lead- Vending debit account is being renamed their student and vendor relations. T h e posed by Senator Joe Antonelli, USG will ers on this campus to not take disagreements “Campus Cash”. It can be used in some Board has taken great initiative in program- purchase Long Island Rail Road Tickets on personally and agree to disagree. There are printing machines (HSC Library) and is ming events during the weekends and cam- behalf of students and sell them at a signifi- many issues to be resolved in the areas of starting to be accepted in snack machines pus lifetime. Some of the Board’s events cantly reduced price (the regular price student life and the inner workings of USG. (Union Lobby). Final administrative included the Homecoming Party, Game divided by half, rounded down to the near- We need to do a better job investigating and approval to conduct an experimental plan F a i r, Comedy Show, Trip to Sports Plus and est dollar). This program has been a great advocating for better access for individuals with off campus vendors to accept Campus Discounted Lowes Movie Tickets. SAB s u c c e s s . with disabilities on campus. We need to Cash was obtained on the 18th 0f December also planned all USG winter session activi- The Providing Academic Support to decide how committed we are to annual and equipment was immediately ordered. ties, which included five successful break- Student Act (PASS) – The act established a l a rge campus events. We need to protect the An agreement was signed with Dominos fasts and lunches. SAB is well on its way to program under the supervision of the Vi c e rights of religious clubs to carry out their (10% discount on all but 5-5-5 and 7-7-7 reaching its potential as a great program- President of Academic A ffairs which pro- club missions. We should better define the specials). An agreement was also reached ming board. Successfully executing a high- vides free tutoring programs to members of duties and responsibilities of all USG off i- with Subway (10% discount). The experi- ly anticipated large concert during the the Undergraduate Student Body. cers so that there is a higher level of respon- mental program will begin as soon as the spring semester will define the legacy of the Fall 2006 Constitutional Amendments – sibility and accountability. We need to do a equipment arrives and is tested (expected to 2006-2007 USG Administration and The Senate proposed several Constitutional better job making our records available to be within the next two weeks). Marketing Student Activities Board. amendments, later ratified by the student the public online so we can become more materials have been prepared and are ready USG Advocacy: For the first time in body which finally brought the USG into transparent and accountable. It is important for release. We thank Kevin Kelly, Karol many years, the USG has made it a priority compliance with State law and Federal court that the senate consider legislation that Gray and the FSA Board of Directors for all and recognized the importance of its voice decisions. Among them, they streamlined would require all clubs seeking SSC fund- their hard work and dedication to this proj- in all of the University Senate committees, the process for appointing justices and ing to attend a certain amount of ect. The plan is to expand this program in taking effective stands for the students, from judges to the Supreme Court; clarified how Leadershop workshops as part of their the near future. student life to climate and academic com- a bill becomes a law; expanded membership requirement to receiving SSC funding start- Calypso! Working with FSA and Campus mittees. We also traveled to the SUNY in the Undergraduate Student Government ing in the fall of 2007. And most important- Dining, we have been successful in adding a Student Assembly as sitting members of one to all undergraduates; and placed viewpoint l y, we need to decide how we want to be new flavor to the campus food menu start- of the largest voting blocks in the A s s e m b l y. neutrality requirements for funding, and perceived and remembered as an org a n i z a- ing next fall. This new Caribbean concept The commitment to be involved in these other protections, to clubs into the tion and administration by the students will offer authentic West Indies Caribbean committees has increased dialogue between Constitution. whom are the reason we exist. www.thestonybrookpress.com 8 Response to the State of the USG A d d r e s s

By Adina Silverbush he felt these bylaws shouldn’t be passed. The ongoing issue of Presidential Advocate. A position in USG where ______His only response was that he hadn’t aides was again brought up. Senator he’ll basically be in charge of making used his power to veto anything before, Shapiro stated that “we (the senate) were sure that clubs are using their budget It seems the more time spent at USG so the senate should trust that he had a ready to take away his aides properly and legally. Ironically he was senate meetings the more you grow to called out by Senator Antonelli about a look at the senators and USG executives legal manner within their own club. T h e as characters on a soap opera. T h i s College Republicans, since earlier that w e e k ’s drama included love, scandal, day Alex had proposed forging students w h o ’s sleeping (living) with who, and of names and obtaining an extra hotel course mention of Jesus. I hate to make rooms for a club trip. To this Senator a mockery of USG because there have Romano (also a member of the college been many great achievements made by republicans) said that we should “look in the student government this year. our hearts and know that we all have eth- They’ve made Long Island Rail Road ical problems… if you are Jesus Christ tickets affordable and available in the by all means vote against this man”. S A C ( A L I R RT), they’ve made a wonder- Senator Shapiro responded with “despite ful tutoring program(PASS), currently the resemblance of some our senators to they are actively engaged in working on Jesus… if he’s willing to stretch ethics in next years budget, among many other his own club maybe the judgment of the wonderful accomplishments many of nominee isn’t right for this position”. which can be seen in the Presidents Senator Borodkin was adamant about not “State of the USG” address. trashing a man’s character on the senate The senate meetings though are really floor and kept repeating the words quite entertaining; to quote a friend they “innocent until proven guilty”. It was are “more entertaining then prime time also revealed that Alex Ovtcharenko TV” which is great because the two are actually lives with Senator Romano. at competing times. This week the sen- The college republican’s were advised ate unanimously voted to override the by Senator Maiorella to abstain in the Prime Time TV veto President Romual Jean Baptiste “Senator Nathan Shapiro: God I Wanna Fuck Him” voting of Mr. Alex Ovtcharenko. Even made on the SAB (Student A c t i v i t i e s with these abstentions, Mr. Ovtcharenko Board) bylaws. Senator Robert Romano good reason this time. Senator Joseph altogether… 25 hours is a compro- did get the position. After the win was had this to say “Romual I love you, Antonelli responded with anger “saying mise.” announced, Senator Antonelli started Madame Chair obviously I have aff e c- you never vetoed anything before is not Adrian Nieradako aka Rocco was saying kind words to Mr. Ovtcharenko, tion for the President!” but he too voted a good defense… I take offense to this added as a member of the elections board but was silenced by Executive Vi c e down the veto. Apparently Baptiste was veto a lot of hard work went into these without any arguments. A l e x President Amy Wisnoski who said “you asked to veto the bylaws by SAB but bylaws and I believe we should override Ovtcharenko was not given such ease guys can be really nice to each other again like with his aides argument was the veto” to this his fellow senators when he was, what it seemed to be, on later” and President Jean-Baptistc shout- not prepared with a statement as to why a p p l a u d e d . trial for the position of District ing from the gallery “get a room!”

www.thestonybrookpress.com 9 Compiled By Steve McLinden & Andrew Pernick Troubles with Iran Continue Amaechi publicly called Hardaway’s state- chemical weapons were deployed in Iraq, and Lakhdar Boumediene v. George W. Bush, While the war in Iraq has become widely ments absurd but commended the honesty Iran informed the United Nations that it 055062A-06, is, according to several sources, unpopular in the U.S., recent motions by the and expressed hope that it would help to open would continue with its nuclear programs, going to be appealed to the United States Bush Administration may suggest that the discussion on the issue. despite warnings and the threat of sanctions Supreme Court. Senate Democrats have White House is readying for a second war in Given the timing of the statements leading from that organization. It also comes on the vowed to overturn the M.C.A. the Persian Gulf in an attack on Iran. up to the NBA’s All-Star We e k e n d , heels of Britain’s announcement of their with- On February 11th, US military intelligence Commissioner David Stern barred Hardaway drawal from Iraq. S u p reme Court Overturns $79.5M confirmed that Iran had been supplying from participating in the festivities and all A revocation of the authorization would Tobacco Aw a r d weapons to Shiite extremists in the north of future league events. Though he has since not immediately withdraw the troops, but it In a narrow scope, 5-4 decision, the Iraq. Serial numbers on such devices, includ- apologized for the remarks, Hardaway has would severely hamper the president’s ability Supreme Court overturned a jury verdict ing an armor-piercing roadside bomb, were received widespread condemnation; he was to command the armed forces in Iraq. An arti- awarding the plaintiff, widow Mrs. Mayola traced back to Iranian arms factories. swiftly removed from his front-office role cle in an upcoming issue of The New Yo r k e r Williams, whose husband died of lung cancer President Bush made a televised address in with Continental Basketball Association team warns that a Pentagon committee is consider- caused by cigarette smoking, almost $80 mil- which he spoke about, among other Iraq- the Indiana Alley Cats. ing the idea of deploying troops to Iran to han- lion in a decision against tobacco giant Philip related issues, this selling of weapons by the Billionaire Mark Cuban, owner of the dle the perceived growing nuclear threat Morris, the Supreme Court ruled that juries I r a n i a n s . Dallas Mavericks, said that a gay NBA p l a y- there, and a revocation of the president’s cannot consider past rulings against tobacco Since Bush thrust Iranian President er would be considered a “hero” by many and authorization for Iraq would, in principle, free companies, in their deliberations on punitive Mahmoud Ahmadinejad into the global spot- make him wealthy through endorsements. In up troops to handle a deployment to Iran. d a m a g e s . light as a foe of the U.S. in the “Axis of Evil,” 2002, Amaechi had commented on the lack of Democrats, ready to challenge the Punitive damages, used to punish a person I r a n ’s presence as a defiant actor on the glob- diversity in the NBA, including gays, p r e s i d e n t ’s decision to send troops to Iraq, are or corporation for acts that the plaintiff has al scene has grown. After 2003, Iran began Hispanics, and Asian Americans. “It would bracing for news as to whether the Bush convinced the jury are odious and against the accelerating its nuclear program, and be like an alien dropping down from space. administration is indeed planning on sending public good, are often high in cases against Ahmadinejad has used the dislike of the U.S. There'd be fear, then panic: they just wouldn't troops into Iran, a nation that some have spec- the tobacco industry. The court’s ruling, with on the world scene to his advantage in a know how to handle it,” he told a reporter ulated already have at least one nuclear the majority decision written by Justice David-and-Goliath-esque war of words. while he was playing for the Utah Jazz. weapon. The committee’s decision, and the B r e y e r, in Philip Morris v. Williams, No. 05- Most importantly for an issue of interna- Amaechi is currently working as a broadcast- bill it could produce, would be a stunning 1256, upheld recent Supreme Court decisions tional war, disagreements over Iran’s nuclear er in his native England. blow to the Bush administration’s plan to that also held that punitive damages should conflict continue. As U.N. Security Council Iraqi Insurgents Turn To Chemical deploy 21,500 troops to Iraq, and it would only be used to punish the “reprehensibility” deadlines approach for Iran to discontinue its We a p o n s severely hamper a deployment to Iran. of a defendant’s conduct and that jurors uranium enrichment efforts, a defiant In addition to the standard explosive-based should consider punitive damages without Ahmadinejad said he would be willing to IEDs, Iraqi insurgents are now turning to Appeals Court Rules Habeas Corpus considering the reprehensibility of that defen- comply if Western nations, including the chemical weapons, such as chlorine, in their Rights Not Applicable to Gitmo Detainees d a n t ’s prior bad acts. He wrote that “we [the United States, were required to do so as well. a t t a c k s . On Tu e s d a y, February 20, the US Circuit Supreme Court] have emphasized the need to On February 20th, a second U.S. tanker On T h u r s d a y, February 22, an insurg e n t Court for Washington, DC decided, in a 2-1 avoid an arbitrary determination of an award's arrived in the Persian Gulf off the coast of attack, a VBIED (vehicle-based improvised decision, that the Military Commissions A c t amount.” In the majority decision, Justice Iran. Many bloggers have reported on a state- explosive device) laced with chlorine explod- of 2006, approved by Congress in response to Breyer focused on the issue of the risk of ment by John Hannah, national security ed, poisoning several hundred. Over 200 peo- the Supreme Court’s two rulings against the harm to other persons who were not parties to adviser to Vice President Cheney, that 2007 ple were hospitalized as a result of chlorine- military tribunals used to try Gitmo detainees, the case at hand, such as the deceased Mr. would be “the year of Iran” and that an attack gas exposure. does indeed strip federal judges of the ability Wi l l i a m s . by the U.S. is “a real possibility. ” This is the first instance of chemical-based to decide whether the detainees can appeal to Justice Stevens, writing for the minority in attacks, and it indicates an increase in the flex- the federal courts for habeas corpus p e t i t i o n s his dissenting opinion, wrote that, “punitive F o r m e r N B A P l a y e r Comes Out ibility and depth of planning of the insurg e n t s . for their release. damages are a sanction for the public harm Former professional basketball player John The attack comes on the heels of news that al The majority decision, written by Judge A . the defendant's conduct has caused or threat- Amaechi publicly announced in February that Qaeda is purportedly adapting to the US pres- Raymond Randolph, a judge who has, in pre- ened. There is little difference between the he is gay, making him the first “out” male ath- ence in Afghanistan and is setting up new vious cases, shown his undivided support of justification for a criminal sanction, such as a lete in American basketball history. In his training camps, under a new command struc- the Bush administration, held that habeas cor - fine or a term of imprisonment, and an award book, Man In The Middle, Amaechi discusses ture, along the Afghan-Pakistani border. p u s does not apply to enemy combatants, who of punitive damages…evidence attesting to his career in the NBAfrom 1995-2003 and his Also this week, a US helicopter was shot are not US citizens, held outside of the US. the possible harm the defendant's extensive experience as a closeted pro athlete. T h e down over Iraq, killing the pilot and injuring In the sole dissenting opinion, Judge Judith deceitful conduct caused other Oregonians release of this news sent sports programming several of the troops on-board. Rogers, wrote, “Prior to the enactment of the was properly presented to the jury. No evi- into a tizzy, with debates on the under- r e p r e- Military Commissions Act, the Supreme dence was offered to establish an appropriate sentation of gays in professional sports and Senate Democrats Debating Revoking Court acknowledged that the detainees held at measure of damages to compensate such third the attitude that would be held towards them P re s i d e n t ’s Authorization for Iraq Wa r Guantánamo had a statutory right to h a b e a s parties for their injuries, and no one arg u e d by both fans and their colleagues. On Meet the Press, Senate Armed Services c o r p u s. The M.C.A. purports to withdraw that that the punitive damages award would serve Further controversy was sparked when Chairman Charles Levin informed the media right but does so in a manner that offends the any such purpose. To award compensatory retired Miami Heat player Tim Hardaway told that the committee, along with Senate constitutional constraint on suspension.” damages to remedy such third-party harm ESPN Radio that he wouldn’t want a gay ath- Democrats, were considering a bill that would Habeas Corpus, the right to appeal to a might well constitute a taking of property lete on his team, and after host Dan Le Batard revoke, or restructure in a highly limited way, court for a ruling on the lawfulness of the from the defendant without due process, see called that bigoted, Hardaway responded, "… the president’s authorization that sent troops c h a rges under which a defendant is being a n t e, at 1. But a punitive damages award, I hate gay people. I let it be known I don’t like to battle in Iraq. held, can only be suspended, according to the instead of serving a compensatory purpose, gay people. I don’t like to be around gay peo- This news, which was highly criticized by Constitutions, “shall not be suspended, unless serves the entirely different purposes of retri- ple. I’m homophobic. It shouldn’t be in the Secretary of State Condoliza Rice as a threat when in cases of rebellion or invasion the bution and deterrence that underlie every world, in the United States, I don’t like it." to the nation, comes after a week in which public safety may require it.” The case, criminal sanction” www.thestonybrookpress.com 10 With Chef Heath

This fortnight I am going to review two chased from this counter, two of the three the Wang (giggle) Center’s Jasmine. I beef, or pork is sure to have at least two dining halls in one issue. I spent a lot of gave me food poisoning within hours. I have said this previously, but I am not of pieces that are completely fat and carti- time eating at Kelly Quad and in the Wa n g will not tell you which, because I can Asian decent. I grew up eating Continental lage. Poor flavors can be forgiven, but bit- (giggle) Center’s Jasmine restaurant these appreciate a good game of Russian and Eastern European food. I do not have ing down into a ball of fat and rubber can- past few weeks, and these are long over- Roulette. The salad bar is fairly standard, first-hand knowledge of what true A s i a n not. Exec. Chef: before you wash the due. First, however, I am compelled to say nothing to write home about, although cuisine should embody. However, I do blood off the saucepan you used on Rice something about The Press’s meal plan some of the cold pasta salads are quite know that poor culinary techniques and B o y, you might want to teach your butch- spread. I abstained from writing anything good. The pizza served in Kelly is inferior slipshod work are holding this eatery back er a lesson, too. I will say this for the during that issue due to a contradiction in to that served in the SAC, and the hot pasta like a fat kid in a game of tug-o-war. A s t a- eatery though: the dishes made fresh to my own principals. I object to high food available at the same counter is anything ple of Asian cuisine is rice, and rice is one order are quite good, and the sushi is prices, slipshod work, always a hit, but the high and corporations rip- price is often prohibitive ping off consumers, to most customers. but I also object to A frequent complaint good foodservice I hear from my fellow workers being put out students is the quantity of a job. I know that of food given to each every person who c u s t o m e r. Unlike most works in our foodser- of the eateries on cam- vices on campus pus, Jasmine gives too works hard at what much food per serving. they do, and must They seem to think that enjoy it to some they can disguise poor degree. No one works quality with sheer quan- in food service for t i t y, but this is not fool- very long without ing anyone. Especially taking pride and as a commuter, I cannot enjoyment from what take home the rest of my they do. Thus, I have food and put it in the to say that I am in fridge for later like a res- favor of Chartwell’s ident can. I end up giv- contract being ing about 1/3 of my food revoked, but I am away to the crows and opposed to seeing gulls on a regular basis. these hardworking A positive side of people being put out Jasmine is the variety of of a job. Take my unusual items off e r e d . contradiction for The various teas may be what it is, and let’s expensive, but damn get back to food. My they are tasty, and the fellow chefs, forg i v e snacks near the registers me for what I am are often the best part of about to do… Old Scan from 100 Years Ago my meal. I think that this No, It wasn’t chicken :_: However if it was, in fact, chicken, you would not have heard meowing coming from the back of the kitchen; There really is not Oh well. Hope you remembered to pick up some Pepto. Oh, you forgot to pick some up from the drug store? Well my friend, it’s going to be a looong night ^_* eatery still has a lot of much to say about kinks to work out before K e l l y ’s Dining Hall except that it is a but appetizing; the sauces are bland and of the simplest grains to cook. Yet, some- it can justify the cost of its product. death trap, not only because of the food, lack body. I will say this only once: avoid h o w, the chefs at Jasmine have been After a bad month of food, I ultimately but also because of the floor plan. During the Mexican food! I became ill after every screwing it up. Every time I eat there, the ended up back in the SAC for my regular the lunch rush, it is nearly impossible to meal I ate there, so unless your will is in rice is overdone, crunchy, and altogether meals. Kelly offers nothing to me that I move while getting to the serving coun- o r d e r, you are better off eating somewhere unappetizing. Rice should be hot, fluff y, cannot get at the Union or SAC, and this ters. I felt like I was in a feed lot full of else. The one saving grace of Kelly is the and sticky, not luke-warm, crunchy and includes food poisoning. The far walk, the cattle, sweet, delicious cattle… But I deli counter. Much like the Union Deli, it cohesive. If the executive chef at Jasmine crowds, and the added cost of Pepto- digress. I had two meals knocked out of o ffers sandwiches made fresh on the is reading this, I offer the suggestion that Bismol make Kelly a wash for me. my hands accidentally by other people as I c o u n t e r, as well as cold salads and meat by whichever of your line cooks who makes Jasmine, I feel, is still trying to get its foot- tried to shuffle my way to the register. If the pound. The only setback is the high the rice should be taken out back and ing and is plagued with bad cooking only I had realized that God was giving me cost. All in all, Kelly is a far walk with lit- bludgeoned with a saucepan until he learns habits. The lack of quality in the food a clear sign not to eat the food, I may have tle reward. As a commuter, I do not see to do it right. Such is the way of the makes it difficult for me to justify spend- been better off. The “Home Cooking” sec- any reason to waste the energy to get to kitchen. Another simple detail that is over- ing so much money for disappointment; if tion of the eatery, tucked back into an Kelly when I can find better food and bet- looked is the cuts of meat used in the dish- I wanted to blow my money on something unnoticeable corner in the rear of the area, ter prices at the SAC or Union. I give it 1 es. I was taught a simple rule during my that I do not enjoy, I would have hired a is a valiant effort with poor execution. out of 4 stars. training: cut the majority of fad and gristle male stripper. Until next time, Good Eats While I did enjoy some of the meals I pur- The other eatery that I take issue with is o ff the meat! Every serving of chicken, everyone. www.thestonybrookpress.com 11 The shakuhachi (bamboo recorder) for- Provost McGrath Resigns T a i k o z a mally played as a form of Buddhist medita- tion, was also played by Lienhard with the n an email sent to faculty and staff, on tinue my administrative role of Vi c e by Tamami Ushiroda rhythm of the drums blending behind him. February 12th, the Provost announced President for ith expectations running high at Although he is not a Buddhist monk nor the Ihis resignation. Although students rarely Brookhaven Laboratory Affairs and the sold out show, conversations Wang theatre a Buddhist Temple, the pres- interact with high level administrators, look forward to continuing building more Wamong the audience quickly entation was heartfelt and genuinely con- whenever the opportunities presented them- links between our two institutions. faded as the lights dimmed in the Charles veyed to those who were intently listening. selves the Provost was there. He had earned It has been my honor and pleasure to B. Wang theatre on February 24th. The Although the shakuhachi did not shake the a reputation among faculty for being honest serve as provost for almost eight years. The opening act of "Taikoza!" had just begun. theater as the odaiko when played, it was and trustworthy, and his warmth and caring best perquisite of the job has been the The stage lights created a glowing sil- just as powerful in its own elegance. for students was genuine. opportunity to interact with, and to learn houette effect on the drummers Taikoza presented The Zine's coverage is centered on the from, so many of the people who make who quickly took their places on Inabasa (Umbrella dance), Asian and Asian American campus commu- Stony Brook such a fine university. stage. Once the spotlight illumi- formally performed by farm- nity and we got to see the Provost in action During my tenure as provost I think nated the drummers in their uni- ers in times of drought in the last fall when he shared dinner with the 60 we have made major gains in developing form yukata (light cotton Tottori Prefecture. The stun- new undergrad students from China. This the kind of strong undergraduate programs kimono) and their odaiko (large ning array of red, blue, and past summer at the first SBU China alumni that many of the great, older, public univer- drums), a continuous shock gold captured my absolute reunion, they were thrilled to learn he had sities developed over much longer times. In wave of rhythm took me by sur- attention. The Inabasa is a visited China and sent him their hopes for a research and graduate education, we have prise. It was nothing close to happy dance. The movement grand reunion at the Beijing Olympics. created several departments and interdisci- what I have seen on T.V. Each was smooth and went well The Asian and Asian American commu- plinary activities that have, or are quickly strike with the wooden drum- with the thunder of the taiko nity at Stony Brook is losing a wonderful gaining, national prominence. To g e t h e r sticks against the immense behind the dancer. The radiant advocate who understood its needs and with the many other drums, larger than that of the umbrella was twirled along desires. He will not be easily replaced Improvements put in place under p e r f o r m e r, shook my soul. the center of the handle while President Kenny's leadership, I know Being a musician myself, I realized that if at the same time swung around the dancer in Announcement from Provost McGrath Our university will continue to grow any of them were to be off by a quarter of a circular motions. Yatai Bayashi (festival Dear Colleagues, in prominence and achievement. beat, the performance would not work. The drum routine) proved to be the perfect clos- I want to I've been very fortunate to have cre- precision of each strike and the unity of all ing. The display of strength shone through let you know I ative and committed colleagues in the the drummers left me in a state of awe. as they drummed with their whole bodies in will be leaving Office of the Provost, and I am grateful to The look of focus the performers had harmony. the administra- each one of them. was intense, almost trance like as their I could tell expectations of the event tive position of I thank the group of west campus sweat glistened under the stage lights. They were met by the strong applause of the audi- Provost and deans and senior directors of academic units hardly looked over at each other as they all ence throughout the performance and the Executive Vi c e for fine leadership of their respective units, moved as one. Though they would play dif- standing ovation in closing the two hour President for and for their advice and support. I appreci- ferent beats, they were all in sync while show. The reason for the nomination of A c a d e m i c ate the many helpful and pleasant interac- switching off one at a time to drum their Taikoza's CD as the best Asian Ethnic A ffairs as soon tions with members of the president's cabi- solo. Marco Lienhard, a swiss native who Album for the Just Plain Folks 2004 Music as a replacement net and many others in the university formed Taikoza in NYC, played the fue Award seemed justified. Though of many is named and ready to take over. I will con- administration over the years. (bamboo flute) beautifully, first in a solo different ethnic backgrounds, I am thankful then later in the performance alongside to the members of Taikoza for their devo- drumming as well. The fusion of strength, tion. Being Japanese, I was proud of the cul- “the long and winding r o a d ” precision, and delicacy was extraordinary. ture that has been carried on. by Chetan Prabhudesai always liked having choices, even though I Who influenced your career path? fact, I still enjoy the field of Biomedical hy did you come to Stony dislike picking them. But I was all about It sounds stereotypical, but my parents did Engineering, although I am no longer inter- Brook? prestige, which is why my top choices were indeed push me towards the medical field. ested in pursuing it as a career. I would cer- W Johns Hopkins and Cornell. It sounds silly indeed push me towards the medical field. tainly recommend it to anyone who wants a Well, the short answer is that I had a now, but I was convinced that going to a When I say "medical," I mean becoming a cutting-edge major, because it brings you to National Merit Scholarship, which covered big-name school was the easiest way to doctor - my parents wanted me to go to the forefront of new advances in healthcare. my tuition, room and board, fees, etc. I had prove how smart I was. But as much as I India for medical school, where no under- If you want to be a doctor, you will learn a free ride here, and it was a pretty good like Baltimore and its Inner Harbor, graduate degree is required, thus saving about medicine, but you will also learn school that just happened to Hopkins was 30 grand a year both time and money. Another option would about technology. It's certainly not for the be not too far from home. To for tuition alone. Cornell was be a BA/MD program, one of which, at the faint of heart, however. I could say that I hear the long answer, you cheaper because I would be New Jersey Institute of Technology, I think overestimated my ability to handle the have to know a little bit going to the state-sponsored I was accepted to. This was a nice compro- work, and that's one of the reasons I am no about me. As most Stony part to study "Agricultural mise between going to medical school longer in the major. But the reality is that it Brook undergraduates know and Biological Engineering." (which I was actually considering at one was not that I was not able to do the work, from Facebook, I received a Well, I didn't want to study point) and following my own path. but I didn't even try to do the work. If I score of 1570 on my SAT. I that. So I chose Stony Brook. When did you know Biomedical started over, I probably wouldn't do too also had very high ACT and I was rejected from the Engineering was not for you? How did badly at all. SAT II scores. I've always Honors College. I still don't your parents react? What are you doing now? How is that been good at standardized know why. Well, the story is pretty famous now, but I different from what you were planning tests because I have a good What was your major as a didn't do so well my first semester, and I before? understanding of the ques- freshman and why? knew something had to change. I enjoyed I am looking to graduate Stony Brook tions themselves, even if I don't always I was originally a Biomedical Engineering my one and only BME class, but I didn't do University with a double major in Business know the answers. That doesn't come from major. It doesn't make too much sense to so well in it, and I knew things would only Management (with a concentration in courses or tutors, it comes from reading me now as to why I chose that path, get harder from there. My parents were des- finance) and Economics. It sounds com- things. Anyway, I was always an under- because at this stage I dislike both Biology perate for me to do anything to avoid that pletely different from what I was doing achiever when it came to actual grades. I and Physics, the foundations of the field. situation again, so together we agreed that I before but the financial field also requires a almost got kicked out of my school's However, in high school, the reverse was would take assorted classes - one business, lot of intellect and critical thinking. I think National Honor Society, even though I was true. Not only did I want to do something in one computer science, etc. There's a major it's a good fit for how I think. I don't know one of the officers. Nevertheless, I was the sciences, but engineering was appealing here called Information Systems, which how I came up with it, but it sounds like a accepted into thirteen of the seventeen because it seemed like a good fit for my combines Business and Computer Science. brilliant idea now. We'll see how it goes. schools I applied to. I don't know why I p e r s o n a l i t y. So I chose Biomedical It's really interesting, but I found that any- applied to seventeen schools but I've Engineering. thing CompSci-related just wasn't for me. In www.aa2sbu.org/aaezine excerpts in SB Press Vol 4 No 3 February 2007 Weekly meetings Friday 4:30PM at our office in Student Union 071. www.thestonybrookpress.com 12 Book Swap By Kotei A o k i home, if they commuted) and brought ______used books to trade. They were ecstatic to find the titles of books that they The Student Union was especially wanted to read. busy for the Ash Wednesday Mass. In According to Ms. Tszyan, the left- High Deaf curves becomes ambiguous. But you need the Fireside Lounge, I encountered an over books will be donated to Housing to look really close at the photos to see eye-catching sight. Let's face it; you I was reminded that high definition T V the ambiguity. While watching T V, many would have inevitably noticed the larg e The event was called Book does not necessarily play in high defini- people take the quality of T V for granted number of books standing on the tables tion unless the cable carries the programs and do not even think about resolution. when you walked in the lounge to have Swap, hosted by the Stony in high definition. At one of the SBU T V Similar story goes with the sound qual- lunch. Brook Chapter of the Golden meetings, they got new high-def televi- i t y. Can the engineers improve the speak- The event was called Book Swap, sion in the studio. As the staff thought, I ers any further? Our ears can diff e r e n t i a t e hosted by the Stony Brook Chapter of Key International Honor the Golden Key International Honor also thought that having high definition the limited quality. I will use MP3 and Society. T V magically transforms the T V q u a l i t y W M A as examples. Fortunately, I have S o c i e t y. The Honor Society has chap- through higher resolution. The directors' one music CD that Honus Wagner gave ters in over 350 accredited universities. a rgument was that the university does not me after their concert to do little tests. Chapters also exist in A u s t r a l i a , Works, a non-profit organization that provide high definition T V cable. T h u s That is the only CD near me, anyway. Canada, South Africa, and so on. Each provides assistance to NYC homeless we cannot watch T V programs in high While I create the frequency diagram of a chapter serves its local community, by individuals living with HIV and A I D S . definition after all. They added, "In five music CD, let me tell you about the bit engaging in various volunteer pro- The Book Swap also collected text- years, school may install high-def rates. In general, a 192kbps MP3 is the grams, providing its members with books. Such textbooks, which were cables." I say, too bad I graduate by then. equivalent quality of CD music. The fre- opportunities to take leadership, by published within past five years and are quency chart seems identical. The sound hosting activities on campus. T h e in good condition, are to be sent to d i f ference is almost indistinguishable. Honor Society comes up with a "theme" Better World Books, whose mission is After all, people listen to 128kbps is the magic number for most lis- every year. This year's "theme" is world “[to] capitalizes on the value of the music at blaring teners. From 96kbps to 64kbps is perhaps l i t e r a c y. Chapters initiate their events to book to fund and support literacy initia- the tolerable range. After all, people listen promote the literacy. tives locally, nationally, and around the volumes every day. to music at blaring volumes every day. This is how Book Swap worked. Lu world.” The event was successful. Their ear drums must be hardened or Tszyan, Advertising Director and the Many people were content with their See, nowadays many electronics have numbed enough that they cannot judge o rganizer of the event, explained the swaps. become capable of handling high quality the quality differences. W M A is the lousy material. People love high definition T V, audio format and is competing against high performance speakers, highly fea- Real's Real Media (RM) Audio format. tured radio (in other words, cell phones), Microsoft keeps claiming that W M A i s and high quality everything. However, the superior to RM every time it improves technology that is intended to provide WMA, but a number of studies continue high quality material to our perceptions to prove that RM is superior in quality has gotten extremely fancy. The technolo- and in compression ratio. For the cus- gy will develop as far as the theoretical t o m e r, the choice is only relevant when sciences can take. But the level at which choosing iPod or other products. our perceptions can distinguish the diff e r- Although RM is superior in quality, very ences of quality will need to rely solely few portable players support it because of on evolutionary development. For exam- Real's license. ple, as herbivorous ancestors started to evolve into human beings that we can relate to, the species became more and more omnivorous. Our GI-tract devel- oped in a way such that the digestion of meat can occur. Whether my imagination is correct or false (after all I am neither a physical anthropologist nor an evolution- ary biologist), I remember hearing that the abdomen has grown in thousands of years. Let's take T V, for example. You have OK now, all the frequency charts are Kotei Aoki regular widescreen T V. As your friends done. The proof of degrading quality is Book are fun to read, You should read more books, because they are fun...to read. start replacing their TVs with high defini- visible. The more detailed the peaks are, tion TVs, you decide to buy one for your- the better the sound quality. basic idea. People dropped off the Apparently it was coincidental that self to catch up with the hip trend. A f t e r Regardless of how far technology books that you they no longer read. they held the event in the midst of A s h your T V, you were impressed with the improves these devices, we cannot recog- Then they left with the books they We d n e s d a y, which is one of the busiest q u a l i t y. In fact, you have not replaced the nize this unless told otherwise. Our minds longed to read. Swap! It was that sim- days in a year. The Union was crowded T V cables to high definition. You would often make us believe in the improve- ple. You traded with books that other almost all day. The flyers for the Book not see the difference because the regular ment. Nevertheless, we can not perceive people donated. People like the staff e r s Swap attracted many of the crowds. T V to compare it with has been removed. it. I am sure the scientists and engineers of The Stony Brook Pre s s, brought in Golden Key Chapter at Stony Brook M o r e o v e r, many people no longer notice working on it feel good about themselves handfuls of used books. Some people was able to take advantage of the busy the inferior resolution while watching T V for achieving the new level of sophistica- went back to their dorm rooms (or d a y. Book Swap, interested? these days. The number of pixels on the tion in the devices. How much of it is screen has grown to millions and billions, really useful? Very little, for now, until so it is impossible to recognize them from our evolutionary development catches up place to place. As you know, one problem with technology thousands and thousands of pixelized photos is that the boundary of of years later. www.DontAsk.com 13 LUGSB

By Jonathan Singer Sharing computer code among pro- locked, the only people who can fix a bug People may also be surprised to learn ______grammers is an idea that dates back to the are the twenty or so (well-paid) program- that Linux is the second most popular 1960s. Finnish software engineer Linus mers employed by Microsoft. operating system, in font of Apple’s Mac Windows Vista, the latest version of Torvalds developed the Linux kernel (the Linux is a protest against Microsoft. By OS. According to Wikipedia (the open M i c r o s o f t ’s popular operating system core component of the operating system) using Linux programs like Open Office in source encyclopedia that anyone can edit), (Windows comes preinstalled on most per- in 1991. By that time, personal computers his everyday life, Sipek becomes a social sonal computers) was released a few were able to share the information over the activist. As it turns out, Computer Science “The price of Micro s o f t weeks ago. The retail price for a basic Internet. is actually filled with social problems. upgrade is $200. Fast-forward to 2007, and Sipek, is run- On politics, Johnson says that Linux is Windows is the same every - As a computer science major, Jeff ning Linux on his 17’’ HP with a Pentium great for developing nations. Schools in w h e re in the world [...] when Sipek’s favorite movies include Star Trek 4 processor. LUGSB often holds Linux Africa can’t afford Microsoft software. and Stargate, both of which have been “Install Fests.” Since Linux runs on any “The price of Microsoft Windows is the you go to countries where that turned into television shows. His interests computer, PC or Mac, everyone is encour- same everywhere in the world,” says means a major portion of yearly include computer programming and super- computers. He also enjoys being a social income, it’s just not viable.” activist. Jeff Sipek Sipek is the president of Linux Users President of Linux Userer Group @ SB Group at Stony Brook. Founded in 2002, LUGSB is a club designed to propagate the “Windows has tended to dominate in the use of the Linux. desktop and personal computer markets For those who know absolutely nothing, (about 89.2% of the desktop market share), Sipek’s ten-second summary would be that and Linux has achieved between 50 - 80% Linux is an operating system, much like market share of the web server, render windows or Mac OS X. Linux is different farm, and supercomputer markets. They than those two because it’s free. differ in philosophy, cost, ease of use, ver- Kimbellina Albrecht, the girl with com- satility, and stability, with each seeking to puter chip earrings who is LUGSB’s pub- improve in their respective perceived weak lic relations officer, says that there are two areas.” explanations of why Linux is significant: Sipek says that corporations like “There’s the practical and the philosophi- Novell, Oracle, IBM, and Intel invest in cal.” Linux by paying developers to work on it. LGUSB members call Linux “free in This improves the system for business and every sense of the word.” On the surface personal use. “ [But] the lacking area is in level, it costs nothing. Anyone is free to gaming,” he says. download Linux and burn it onto a CD for installation. Courtesy of Larry Ewing It is also free because it is open source. Everybody Loves Tux That means that users are able to see the source code that makes up a program. For aged to attend. Members say that everyone Sipek. “When you go to countries where those unfamiliar with computer science, a can find something they like in Linux. that means a major portion of yearly source code consists of hundreds of lines Sipek likes to use the system because his income, it’s just not viable.” of seemingly random and confusing text. computer doesn’t get viruses. Many Linux users are proponents for This code is filled with commands that tell If a bug is found, then Linux users open source voting software. Electronic the computer exactly what to do. revise the code to remove that virus. That voting machines use computers to count “vaccination” is shared with other pro- votes. But what if there is an error in the grammers. This creates the Linux move- program? Hypothetically, a bug could ment, a subculture of Linux users who count more votes for one candidate. With share their source code changes with each the source code locked, only one company other. can see what’s going on inside the comput- Some changes can be shared by simple er. “The people should see what delegates

word of mouth. LUGSB meetings are held their freedom,” says Johnson. Teh Interpipes the second Tuesday and last Friday of According to Johnson, many govern- Better than Microsoft every month. Like Linux itself, the meet- ments are beginning to talk about adopting ings consist of open lectures and forums the open document standard. A Microsoft LGUSB’s next big install fest will be at that anyone can speak in. Members also Word document saved in 1998 may not I-CON on March 23rd. For more informa- Made Possible By Linus Toravls LUGSB offer programming lessons to anyone who open in the 2010 version of Word, because tion, LUGSB’s website is at is new to Linux, so everyone is encouraged file formats change. This is a concern http://www.lugsb.cs.sunysb.edu/. They are Skilled programmers are free to manip- to attend every meeting. when a government has to look an impor- always happy to install Linux on any com- ulate this code to customize their Linux Mozilla Firefox is another open source tant document from nine years ago. But a puter that is brought to them, and are ready systems. “I can take the source code, program. LGUSB Treasurer Tim Johnson skilled programmer can use reverse engi- to teach new users the basics of Linux pro- improve it, and share the changes,” says cites that 40% of all Firefox fixes come neering techniques to open the file, as long gramming. Besides, it’s free. “Free as in Sipek. from users. Because Microsoft’s code is as the code is open. speech,” says Sipek. www.thestonybrookpress.com 14 Stephanie Hayes 1. Spaced

I have this elaborate fantasy in which Simon Pegg and Jessica Stevenson are my best friends. We all decide to pose as a three- some and rent a sweet, little London flat. How cool would that be? We’d have these kooky neighbors and robot wars and make Star Wars references and… le sigh. Spaced is created by virtually the same crew behind Shaun of the Dead. And it’s every bit as brilliant… if not moreso. My roommate and I had to watch Shaun again after watching the entire series and we were like, ‘Woah. Let’s put on Spaced again.’ No joke.

2. Lost

Discounting Flavor of Love, Lost is the only show I make a point to see when it airs. I remember being shown Locke’s episode in the first season and thinking it was amazing. The third season is kind of sucking but, ya know, I’m a man of faith.

3. Big Wolf On Campus

This is definitely the poor man’s Buffy. But it’s the type of all out cheese that always puts me in a fantastic mood so I’m stick- ing it on as a favorite. It’s about this guy Tommy who gets turned into a werewolf and decides to battle creatures of the night with his other high school friends. If you’re still unconvinced that this show is worth checking out, consider this: Corey Feldman and Corey Haim guest star as vampires. The episode names are: ‘Blame it on the Haim’ and ‘What’s the Story, Mourning Corey.’

4. Freaks and Geeks

Rebecca just reminded me how much I love this show.

5. The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.

Bruce Campbell is a bounty hunter in the old West, tracking down a gang that killed his father. What makes it amazing? Well, Bruce Campbell is a bounty hunter in the old West, tracking down a gang…

www.thestonybrookpress.com 15 Alex H. Nagler 1. Arrested Development

And now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together… it's Arrested Development. Oh. And Mr. F. And the cornballer. And a loose seal and a hooked handed man. Dancing like a chicken in so many ways. It’s the “Final Countdown.”

2. The Honeymooners

One of these days, Alice. One of these days! Bang! Zoom! Straight to the Moon!

3. The West Wing

Gratias tibi ago, domine. Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I displeased you, you feckless thug? 3.8 mil- lion new jobs. That wasn't good? Bail out Mexico…increase foreign trade…thirty million new acres for conservation…put Mendoza on the bench…without fighting a war. I've raised three children…. That's not enough to buy me out of the doghouse? Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto? A deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem! Tuus in terra servus nuntius fui officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem! You get Hoynes!

4. The McLaughlin Group

The sharpest minds. The best debate. This is The McLaughlin Group. ISSUE ONE! On a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 representing impossibility and 10 representing complete metaphysical certitude, what is the chance of anyone getting this reference? Bye-bye!

5. Monty Python’s Flying Circus

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! Our weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear. Get on with it. My hovercraft is full of eels and my nipples explode with delight. This is an ex-parrot. Oh, intercourse the penguin.

It is now 9PM. It is time for the penguin on top of your telly to explode.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 16 Vincent Michael Festa 1. Good Times

This was blaxploitation in TV form. After TV producers Norman Lear and Bud Yorkin made a landmark success and social uproar with the TV-sitcom All In The Family, they decided to create a show consisting of a Chicago African-American family strug- gling to get out of the projects. While dealing with dysfunctional family members, shiesters, street pimps, thugs, and issues of money, drugs, eviction and social issues of African-Americans, the Evans’ try to make as much good happiness as they can with what little they have. Without a doubt the epitome of 70’s soul.

2. 120 Minutes/Alternative Nation

Once upon a time, MTV showed music videos and had music shows. Without artists like Nirvana, REM, The Pixies, Lisa Loeb, Juliana Hatfield, Mazzy Star (pictured here), and Sonic Youth, we poseurs, head-bangers, and flannel-soaked slackers would have not stayed up all night feeling all teenage high-school, lost, dizzy, dynamic, springtime, plaid, Seattle, Clerks, Singles, and all that. And with help from MTV VJs Martha Quinn, Kennedy, and Matt Pinfield, feeling the way the alternative nation did was possible. And we all lived happily ever after until Britney Spears and Limp Bizkit came along and ruined it for all of us.

3. The Gong Show

Talented performers, three judges, a host, and an audience. Sound familiar? Yes, and that would be American Idol 25 years later. Ahead of its time, producer Chuck Barris created what most critics would call the worst show on television ever, and in turn shamed Barris out of the industry. The Gong Show had its share of oddball 10th-rate civilian talent (including the Popsicle Twins: two girls who simulated oral sex with ice pops) but also jump-started the career of one Paul “Pee-Wee Herman” Ruebens. Back then, cen- sors were never as much angered and on the edge, a show that in today’s standards would be considered tame. 70’s Americana it sure is.

4. Deal or No Deal

What is it about this show that is so hugely popular? The game theory and statistics, the versatility of the set and deals, the wild and crazy (and sometimes dopey and foolish) contestants, Howie Mandel’s witty sense of humour, and the fact that male audiences can die every night at home to all 26 of its shows’ super-hot models (that Tameka is so fiiiiiiiine…). The younger sister of game shows Let’s Make A Deal! And Treasure Hunt, never has a game show been both very pleasurable and very painful to watch: just turn away when you see that $1,000,000 suitcase revealed by #25 Heyley Marie!

5. Extreme Championship Wrestling

Joey Styles said it best when he screamed “OH, MY GOD!” This is what happened when wrestling was for real and all the nay- sayers ever born were proven wrong. Every week I was mortified beyond belief by all the carnage, destruction, bloodshed, rowdy crowd-control, and controversy I saw on TV, and ECW owner Paul Heyman got away with all of it. With Tommy Dreamer, Cactus Jack, Sandman, Sabu, The Franchise, The Gangstas, and (the realest mother-fucker alive) Tazz, along with many broken tables, chair shots, and barbed wire, ECW became one of the more crazier and rowdiest wrestling shows ever.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 17 David K Ginn 1. Angel

A vampire cursed with a soul, doomed to walk the Earth forever in remorse of his former evil, starts a private detective agency in Los Angeles to help the helpless. This spin-off from Buffy the Vampire Slayer is darker, more badass, and more mature than its predecessor. Each episode explores the gray area of evil/ non-evil demons more and more, bringing out a multi-thematic masterpiece carried by a magnificent ensemble cast and a creative think tank so unique it will probably never be equaled. Alexis Denisof, reprising his role from Buffy as the fop- pish former watcher We s l e y, easily gives the best overall performance and gives the show a dark and romantic edge in later seasons. Charisma C a r p e n t e r, also a Buffy alum, is the beating heart of the series. Amy A c k e r, Andy Hallet, and Glen Quinn are all amazing to watch, but none more than J. August Richards’ portrayal of street-thug-turned-demon-hunter Charles Gunn. Please, watch this show.

2. Lost

Oceanic Flight 815 crashes on an unknown island in September, 2004. Forty-eight people survive. This is their story. Filled with intense personal drama, outstanding wit, and deep, compelling mystery, prime-time serial drama doesn’t get much better than this. Watch the first season in all its indomitable glory, then take a deep breath. Clear your mind. Then watch the second season and pretend it’s a different show. You’ll be entranced. The eerie mystery of the second season’s early episodes fit the show well but is only loosely carried in the thematic fashion it should have been. Although it redeems itself in the season’s final episode, the third season goes right back to fanboy sci-fi. God help us, the show is currently being written like fan fiction. Still, it remains among the best shows ever.

3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Only every, say, NEVER does a show like Buffy the Vampire Slayer come along. Joss Whedon’s proposal, that the dumb blonde cheerleader who gets killed first in horror movies should be the hero who saves everyone, is played so perfectly you become addict- ed. Cheap horror is finally presented in a way that’s both self-reflective and autonomously profound, satisfying the audience with every angle entertainment has to offer. After the third season, the show takes a dip, largely because the setting, and thus much of the show’s premise, is taken out from underneath. Stick through it as the show regains its footing and becomes an ensemble piece that will shock you as much as it entertains you. Outstandingly and insightfully analogous to the journeys and trials of growing up, Buffy is a show for everyone.

4. Battlestar Galactica

At one point, someone proposed that the old, pretty bad TV series Battlestar Galactica should be resurrected for a modern audi- ence. Many people probably laughed. Those people aren’t laughing now. How the campy sci-fi show was re-imagined to be so multi-thematic, character driven, and intensely political while still stretching the presets of science fiction is virtually unanswer- able. The very idea of classic sci-fi is taken and twisted to be darker and more thought-provoking than ever before, leaving the audience alone to think long after the credits roll.

5. Arrested Development

My list has been entirely primetime serial drama, not to mention science fiction/ fantasy. This isn’t because I’m a genre-geek or because my tastes are all rooted in a general interest. It’s because I believe serial drama, especially science fiction and fantasy, is more insightful, entertaining and true to the very nature of episodic television than anything else out there. Sometimes there are comedies that come around and accomplish the same goals. Arrested Development wears the crown among them. The story of a wealthy, dysfunctional family struggling to keep its company’s head above water is hilarious for nearly every minute. Each char- acter has his or her own set of quirks, which enables him or her to carry each episode’s plot in his or her own twisted fashion. This show is insane, and that’s notable because of how sanely it tries to present itself.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 18 Joe Donato 1. Firefly

F i re f l y is the perfect T V show - a sci-fi western filmed in a documentary style, mixing heavy drama with quirky comedy. An odd mix, but it worked flawlessly. Running only 14 episodes, this show didn't waste any time stringing the viewer along. There were no bad or even mediocre episodes, no characters you wish would just go away, basically none of the problems that inevitably plague almost all T V s h o w s . And then they went and made a movie. They ended the T V series with a big budget Hollywood blockbuster that was every bit as good as the show. Everyone should see the show and movie, because something this amazing doesn't come around often.

2. Arrested Development

Oceanic Flight 815 crashes on an unknown island in September, 2004. Forty-eight people survive. This is their story. Filled with intense personal drama, outstanding wit, and deep, compelling mystery, prime-time serial drama doesn’t get much better than this. Watch the first season in all its indomitable glory, then take a deep breath. Clear your mind. Then watch the second season and pretend it’s a different show. You’ll be entranced. The eerie mystery of the second season’s early episodes fit the show well but is only loosely carried in the thematic fashion it should have been. God help us, the show is currently being written like fan fiction. Still, it remains among the best shows ever

3. Battlestar Galactica

"No more Mr. Nice Gaius!" Battlestar Galactica is science fiction done right. It's on the Sci-Fi Channel, but I think it would be just as accepted on a major network. It's dark and gritty, and while it's set in the future on spaceships, it tackles important topics. My favorite thing about this show is that it provides a realistic portrayal of futuristic "what-if?" scenarios. How would humanity, running from a nuclear holocaust in deep space, handle issues such as food shortages, weeding out spies, sleep deprivation, or electing a new president? It mixes issues which are real and going on in our world every day, with a fictional tale of the future.

4. Scrubs (Seasons 1&2)

Scrubs is a show that needs to die. It's a shell of what it used to be. The plot is ham-fisted, the performances are dialed in, even lighting and set/costume design is lazy. That's okay though, because the first two seasons are like a warm blanket or hot chocolate. I used to just pop in a random episode when I needed something to cheer me up. It sounds really cheesy, but it was always like this show was talking to me. It was just so relatable.

5. Veronica Mars

Veronica Mars is a tough sell for a lot of people. At first glance it's Dawson's Creek or The OC meets Dick Tracy. It requires the viewer to put plausibility aside, and a lot of people can't do that. If you are capable of stepping out of reality for an hour, then this is an amazing show. The plot is smart and well written. There is an ongoing mystery to solve each season, with smaller mys- teries in each episode. The resolutions are rarely obvious. One of the hardest things to do in story-telling is to develop a complex mystery and end it in a satisfying manner, Veronica Mars does this in nearly every episode. If you have a fetish for pop-culture references, love cameos, or think you'd enjoy a mystery mixed with teen drama, check out Veronica Mars.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 19 Ice drifts The world is covered by a sheet of ice, snowflakes tumble horizontally in the wind. Geese honk plaintively, buffeted in the darkening sky. The trees are as made of glass, crystalline smooth the branches end in marbles. Tomorrow, the flora sparkles as chandeliers! The news reports only the inconvenience to traffic - may not the world take a breath away from breakneck speed to take in the amazing wonder, of beauty?

20 www.thestonybrookpress.com By Claudia Schaer www.thestonybrookpress.com 21 The Zoo Story Pizza and Donuts By Rebecca Kleinhaut thing else in their universe. By setting this ______story in a small place in a very large city, There is a type of play that I like to Albee makes sure that the two characters A Dining Hall christen “the park bench play”, which usu- will connect on a surface level. However, ally involves two total strangers sitting on it becomes apparent very quickly that Jerry a park bench. In the beginning, one person is over-exuberant in his need for a connec- is generally more skeptical of the other, but tion while Peter is steadfast in his need for Does Not Make they eventually find that they have some- distance, and it is this dichotomy that By Alex H. Nagler to make up for the lack of Roth. Tabler thing in common, and by the end, they eventually leads to Jerry’s demise. ______Café is open between 5pm and 11pm. This have developed some kind of affection to While I have not read the book to is a major problem as Roth is open for late each other. Both parties are able to create A l b e e ’s Zoo Story, it is apparent that You may have heard that Tabler Quad breakfast and lunch as well. This hour some kind of bond that fulfills their need Albee’s text left most of the interpreting up now has a Dunkin Donuts and a problem is a major issue as Tabler won’t be for human connection. to the director and actors. Director Nelson Portabella’s Pizza. The donuts are $ .85 able to accommodate the traffic. Tabler I was generally skeptical upon entering Diaz and actors Andy Lucien and Brian and pizza is a little under five bucks. I’ve serves donuts, soup, panini, pizza, and on The Zoo Story and witnessing its simple Avery made a few key choices in the por- found that if I’m tired, it’s an easy com- rare occasions, hot dogs. The limited food park bench set and two-person cast. But I trayal of such a complex situation. As Jerry mute to go from my couch in Toscanini to choice will most definitely force students soon found out that Edward Albee’s play goes in to his extremely long stories, Peter the Arts Center to get a quick dinner. I’m to go to other on campus venues, which takes a typical scenario and completely may become engrossed, but his expres- in and out in under five minutes and I have will mean Kelly, and off campus to serve turns its formula around, ties it in knots sions never become affectionate or sympa- food. This is ideal for me because it’s a their food needs. and leaves the viewer as uncomfortable as thetic; he seems fearful of the emotionally timely fix for hunger. Tabler Arts Center is As was covered in great length in the the viewed. erratic Jerry at all times. While Avery’s not a dining hall. I don’t care if there are last issue of The Press, there are major The Zoo Story involves Peter (Andy portrayal of Jerry left the audience with paninis and soup, it’s not a dining hall. But problems with campus dining. The rumor Lucien), an older man with children, and many genuine laughs, his sudden emotion- here is the problem: The University about Roth is that Burger King could be Jerry (Brian Avery), a disheveled and sin- al outbursts are what clue us into the dif- believes that it is. replaced with a Wendy’s, changing one gle city citizen. Jerry approaches Peter, ference between Albee’s park bench play major fast food chain into another. Roth is who is sitting on a park bench reading, and the rest of the genre. Although Jerry The rumor about Roth is that a very large space. The footprint occupied with the promise of a story involving dominates the scene in words, the plot by either BK or Deng Lee’s could definite- something at the Central Park Zoo. While could not survive without Peter’s presence is that Burger King could be ly serve to house a student-run food serv- the initially skeptical Peter becomes and fragmented life story. ice. engrossed in Jerry’s wild stories, most of Although we never find out Jerry’s own replaced with a Wendy’s... While I do agree that Roth is in need of which concern his disgusting landlord’s zoo story, it is difficult to feel disappoint- a major renovation, this should not be done even more disgusting dog, he becomes ment at the close of this play. As a rule, I There have been rumors of this for the at the student’s expense. If we are to shut overly possessive of his place on the park am generally skeptical of the formulaic past years, but Roth Food Court is closing down one dining hall, there should be ade- bench when Jerry threatens to take it. park bench play. However, The Zoo Story next year for renovations. They’re shutting quate facilities elsewhere on campus to Albee’s story deals primarily with the was nothing if not free of any kind of over- it down to do some sort of improvement, ease the burden on students. Pizza and innate need for people to connect with any- played genre. but that’s not the problem. The problem is donuts do not make up not a dining hall. If now you have an entire quad of hungry the university wants students to consider students who will be displaced for a year Tabler Café an actual venue, they must Jersey Gays: Now (if you are to believe the official timetable) first extend the hours, then increase the who have no place to eat. For Roth-ites, available food selection. Only then will Kelly is a bit of a walk and Tabler is up a people consider a place that has Café in its flight of stairs that no one wants to climb. name a dining hall. Until then, it’s the With More Not to mention, the food quality is very place where I can get overpriced pizza at sub par. 9pm in my slippers and penguin pajamas. The thing is, the University expects stu- Alex H. Nagler really does have pen - Unionized Tonies! dents to make the hike to Tabler for a year guin pajamas. Really. By Alex H. Nagler New Jersey became the third state in the tection under the law that are afforded to legally adopt children and have both part- ______union to permit same-sex civil unions. straight couples. Among these, discrimina- ners recognized as the parents. New Jersey, These unions contain everything marriage tion based on sexual preference is now an along with the other two that allow civil The Tony Awards aren’t until June, but has, just without the sticky talking point of o ffence in the same way it is based on reli- unions and marriages, is one of them; New the all the Tony buzz has floated towards the actual word “marriage” that sparks the gion or race. York is one as well. At the same time, how- New Jersey. It’s not about whether or not entire definition debate. Other states, like Amidst the benefits of these civil unions e v e r, there are five states that have out- the theater is declining thanks to mass cor- lawed gay adoption, the most notable of poratization of Broadway, or whether or them being Florida. not Legally Blonde has enough merit in it The first marriage licenses were avail- to even be considered as a musical, it’s able on February 20th and the first civil about the Tony himself. To n y, who always unions officially took place on the 23rd at had his eye on that hunky Oscar statuette, midnight. The first couples to be unionized can now legally get hitched to the Best made sure that the focus was both on their Actor In A Musical nominee of his choice. new partnership and the continuing strug- Early rumors have been placed the To n y gle for gays in America. While couples cel- with another Tony (Danza), but the word ebrate their love, the fight for gay rights on the street is the long legs and Chrysler continues. State senators in Illinois and Building dress of David Hasslehoff have Rhode Island have declared their intent on People.com e v e r y o n e ’s favorite theatrical arts award in Switch-o Change-o Rearrange-o having their states be next in line to legal- a swoon. Yes, whether you’re a theater buff California, Washington D.C., and Maine is the contentious right to adopt, which has ize these unions, as does our own New or in the closet mob enforcer (I’m looking allow domestic partnerships. Hawaii has a been a major sticking point for many cou- York. at you, Vito Spatafore), if you’re gay and in constitutional ban on gay marriages, but ples who were looking to start a legally rec- New Jersey, mazel tov, you can get hitched. allows for domestic partnerships. Gay cou- ognized family and now can. There are cur- Alex H. Nagler can’t help but smile at As of Midnight on January 18th, ples in New Jersey now have the same pro- rently nine states in which gay couples can that opening paragraph.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 22 An Open Letter to Did You Get Your the Stony Brook 100 Bucks Back Last Administration S e m e s t e r ? Valentine's Day is a day to show peo- In my time at Stony Brook, I have By John Kriscenski almost every year. However, there are ple how much you care about them. I resigned myself to the fact that there are ______remarkable ways by which less of a burden wish you had given your students and some major holidays for which the uni- can be put on students. I feel robbed s t a ff a better valentine. February 14th versity will not cancel class (Ve t e r a n s If you’re not fortunate enough to shrug almost every time I eat on campus, and brought cold temperatures, freezing rain Day and Presidents Day come to mind). the responsibility on your parents, it’s easy such an overwhelming mandatory meal and driving winds. Schools across the I cannot, however, resign myself to the to get lost when it comes to paying your plan can put an unfair strain on a student Island were delaying their openings or fact that the university will not cancel bills. Do you remember a random fee of making only a couple thousand dollars a closing altogether. Elected off i c i a l s class when weather conditions make it $94.25 that you paid Stony Brook at the year. Therefore, it is of paramount impor- were advising people to stay home dangerous for students (commuters and start of the semester? That’s the amount tance that other fees such as the student unless they absolutely had to venture residents alike) and faculty to make it to every one of us undergrads pays into the activity fee, don’t burden students as well. out. the classroom. student activity fund each semester – a Everything possible should be done to I would hope that university policy fund responsible for organizing student make sure that the nearly one hundred dol- allows them to cancel class when events such as dances and financing clubs lars we pay into this fund each semester is In my time at Stony Broook, I weather conditions are as bad as they on campus. Even if you were involved in directly going to benefit the students who have resigned myself to the fact were. If not, I hope that you will a club or two on campus last semester, my contribute to it and by reducing the finan- undertake a thorough review of the pro- question for you is: was it worth nearly a cial burdens we face in other areas. To that there are some major cedures. Canceling all classes after 2 hundred bucks? their credit, the Undergraduate Student p.m. is not good enough when weather Personally I think this fund could be Government has implemented two new holidays for which the conditions are dangerous in the morn- managed more efficiently by the programs this year to help students by pro- university will not cancel class i n g . Undergraduate Student Government than viding more tutoring and lower railroad By the way, I am sorry that I didn't it has been run in the past few years so that tickets prices. However, considering that e v e ry student gets his or her money’s students pay millions into this fund, there Stony Brook is a school with a signif- If these are not conditions worth. This is especially important, con- is much more that should be done to help icant commuter population. The roads sidering that too few students even know us save money. were treacherous, even the main ones. under which the university that the Undergraduate Student Several good ideas have been proposed In addition, there were many lights out, Government is responsible for managing in the past, such as negotiating more dis- including at least four on Nicholls should cancel classes, this vital fund. Even fewer know the counts with neighboring merchants and Road. The conditions on campus were then what are? specifics of how it manages this fund. If working to bring lower price food options not much better. Sidewalks were near you mention the Payroll Adjustment Act to to students on campus. It is my sincere impossible to walk on because of the most students on campus, few know that hope to bring further insight to the ice; bus drivers were driving blind get you anything. After the stress of the Act involved members of the Senate Undergraduate Senate next semester, and because they could not use their mirrors risking my life to get to my classes, I for the first time electing to pay themselves the only way we can do that is if we stu- or windows. didn't have the energy left to pick some- with the money students pay into the fund. dents discuss the issues that affect our If these are not conditions under thing up. Other lower profile appropriations made everyday lives. Therefore, I invite every which the university should cancel last semester are even more unknown to student to join my Facebook group “John classes, then what are? Correction days most students. Kriscenski for USG Senate,” where we can are built into the semester schedule just Happy Valentine's Day Stony Brook University is a great uni- talk about how to make Stony Brook even for this reason. Krystyna M. Baumgartner versity that seems to be rising in prestige better than it is. Win A Free T-Shirt!

www.thestonybrookpress.com 23 Every Time You Fill Up Your Honda, The iPhone... ‘nuff said!

N o w, despite how tempting it can be to Q: How do you operate it? Osama Gets A 25% leave a review that brief, the Apple iPhone is such a significant development in A: The iPhone is the first device to utilize mobile technology that it’s definitely multi-touch technology. Instead of having a worth a closer look. stylus, you have a surface that can recognize Cut Of The Profits!!! more than one touch point at a time, allowing By James Laudano (gasp!) Iran, Sinclair and TFO will be you to do things like zoom in one simple fin- ______extracting its fuel from the VA S T oil fields ger gesture. It’s very difficult to explain. A s of Canada and the good ol’ U.S. of A. soon as it’s available in the Apple Store, go O k a y, when I heard about this one, I But wait, the oil isn’t the only hyper- and play with it. nearly fell out of my seat. A p p a r e n t l y, a patriotic product they sell! When drivers new group here in the United States known pull into each terror-free gas station, they Q: How do you connect to the web? as The Te r r o r-Free Oil Initiative has begun will have the chance to purchase countert- to lay the ground work for a new kind of errorism pamphlets and bumper stickers. A: The iPhone has a number of wireless gas station. These new gas stations will be That way, when you display a brand- connection methods. It features standard Wi - dedicated to only selling gas that comes spanking new anti-terrorist bumper sticker Fi, Bluetooth, and Cingular’s EDGE data from nations that do not “export or finance on your vehicle, every driver who pulls in network. terrorism.” So basically, no predominantly behind you will know that the gasoline in Muslim nations. Or Venezuela, for that your tank is as Western and patriotic as an Q: What else makes it so damn special? m a t t e r. "We felt like every time we filled at illegal wiretap. the pumps we were sending our money to A: The iPhone has built in motion sensors a part of the world that wanted our destruc- Apple.com tion," said the group’s spokesperson, Joe Hello iPhone ^_^ that work to your advantage. Looking at a picture and want to see it in widescreen? Just Kaufman. He later added, “…we are sick Say hello to the iPhone, the most revo- flip the iPhone sideway and the image and tired of financing our own demise. We lutionary cell phone to ever be made. T h e adjusts accordingly. A p p a r e n t l y, this also would like to avert the next 9/11.” rumors on the design and capabilities have applies to anything else you do with the been circulation through the web for years iPhone. The iPhone also has ambient light When drivers pull into each and until January was the most talked sensors to make it more power efficient, and about product never made. When the includes a proximity sensor that turns off the t e r r o r - f ree gas station, they iPhone was announced at MacWord Expo, display to save power and prevent you from it put an end to the rumors, and went accidentally accessing controls while it is at will have the chance to pur - beyond what anyone expected. your ear. iPhone stands to replace every electron- chase counterterro r i s m Courtesy of BP Terror-Free Oil Initative ic device you would normally carry with Q: Hey, W T F, isn’t it an iPod as well? you. It’s a PDA, it’s a Cell Phone, it’s an pamphlets and The question that immediately comes to MP3 Player, and it’s a digital camera, all A: Yes it is! The iPhone has the ability to my mind is “What exactly are these guys in a form factor roughly the size of a stan- play music, videos and games just like the bumper stickers. thinking?” I know that it’s a smart busi- dard iPod. As a PDA/ultra mobile comput- iPod. The capacity is however limited to 4 ness move to play off the outbursts of e r, the iPhone features a stripped down gigs and 8gigs. Rumors have it that apple is Is it just me, or does this rank up there patriotism that still linger in many parts of version of OSX which gives you access to toying with the idea of either pushing the with the whole anti-French “freedom the country after 9/11. I also know that mobile versions of iCal, the Safari capacity to 16 gigs of flash memory, or using fries” craze of 2003? Or perhaps, even bet- many people in the nation probably sup- B r o w s e r, a text message system, A d d r e s s actual iPod style hard drives in the next ver- t e r, this measures up to the small town of port this initiative. And while I am not book, and even widgets for your odds and sion. Either option will be a significant Ingles, Florida which “officially banned exactly in direct opposition to ending ends. Having so many features in one d e v e l o p m e n t . Satan” from entering their community in dependence on Middle East oil, I can’t device leads to a few questions though: 2002. Regardless of these comparisons, help but be both amused and perplexed by Q: All that, and it’s a phone? h o w e v e r, Terror Free Oil (TFO) is taking the TFO. How exactly do these folks plan T h a t ’s all I’ve got for this issue, but their project very seriously. The group’s to compete with the oil giants Exxon, check in next issue for the latest in cool A: Not just a phone, but a camera phone! logo, which will be displayed at every Shell, and Gulf? Mr. Kaufman stated that Mac Stuff ! The iPhone is going to launch as an exclusive Terror Free gas station to come, is an out- “ We’re not looking to compete” with these to Cingular, but it has a few catches. T h e line of the Pentagon and the Twin To w e r s , e n e rgy empires. Yet perhaps the T F O iPhone must be accompanied by a 2 year with the letters UA 93, UA 175, and A A 11 needs to realize that while they may not contract (which means you can’t just buy one (the flights that were hijacked on 9/11 ) want to compete, Exxon probably won’t in cash) and in addition, it is quite expensive! over them. Next to their logo, TFO boasts be so good-natured. How soon will it be The 4 gig iPhone comes in at $499, and $599 that it is the “first step to energy independ- before one of Exxon’s business goon for the 8 gig model. ence.” In the background, one can see squads comes and wipes the TFO out? meshed images of armed Muslim militants Does Mr. Kaufman forget that these com- Q: Ok, I’m sold! When can I get it and and oil workers, side by side. (I kid you panies have most of the government at where? not. I encourage you to check out their their very beck and call? Oh, well. I, for website http://www. t e r r o r f r e e o i l . o r g so one, salute the Terror Free Oil Initiative. A: Like most Apple products, details are you can see this all for yourself). While I may not care much about buying usually shrouded in secrecy, and the iPhone Claiming that companies such as Exxon “ t e r r o r-free oil,” I certainly find this idea will most likely just appear in a Cingular or and Shell are primary financers of terror- to be so outlandish and crazy at its very Apple Store near you at some point between ism, TFO aims to purchase its gas from a core that I almost want to see it succeed for now and June. Too keep up to date on iPhone Utah based company called Sinclair Oil the sole purpose of adding to the insanity information, Cingular has a mailing list on Corp. Rather than receiving its oil from of it all. Godspeed, TFO…and good luck their website: www. c i n g u l a r. c o m / i p h o n e nations such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, or finding enough oil in Canada. www.thestonybrookpress.com 24 I Feel like America, Freer Than Ever, I Am After U.S. Wins Iraq War

A satire by Joey Safdia speak, they show their support of our vic- can cash in for permission to vacation T r u m a n ______tory in Iraq by throwing state-sponsored abroad, to visit the United Kingdom. The pro-American demonstrations. Just like European Union is still on the Terrorist VICTORY!! VICTORY!! VICTORY!! their 50 predecessors.” Watch List, and travel to any of its member VICTORY!! “Why, even the New York Times had countries is expected to stay forbidden F u c k i n g After years of fighting in Iraq, soldiers nothing but positive and supportive things well into next year. finally returned home on Monday from the to say about the President’s handling of the New Yorkers shared their views of the war-torn Middle Eastern nation. The last Iraq War,” added Rice. The Times under- soldiers’ heroic efforts in Iraq to bring soldiers finally set foot on American soil went a drastic “internal renovation” earlier more freedom to the United States. C a p o t e after an embittered conflict in which the this year after the entire editorial staff was “God bless the troops! I support them!” By Tim McHale U.S. military, staying the course until the relocated to the Guantanamo Bay deten- exclaimed a teary-eyed Jon Parkman, ______job was done, won freedom for not only tion facility for an article criticizing Bush’s wearing a yellow ribbon sticker on his the Iraqi people, but the American people justification for invading Iran without con- chest and waving a miniature American Why won’t anyone talk to me? Fear. as well. Their arrival came on the heels of gressional approval. flag. “Look at the freedoms they gave us Fear of getting bashed. Fear of taking President George W. Bush’s victory speech just by winning this war alone. We finally what “I” said and taking it out of con- in which, as he stood in front of a banner have the freedom to be safe. Because of text. Fear of getting ripped a new one, that read “Mission A c c o m p l i s h e d them, and because of President Bush, we being called incompetent, showing a AGAIN,” the Commander- i n - C h i e f now are able to trust that whatever we do small part what I did and not even ask- declared that the American people were and wherever we go, the government will ing my goddamn opinion on it. Such “more freer than ever before.” be listening in to make sure that we’re was the plight of Ralph Thomas. T h a t ’s The soldiers were featured in a victory safe. I don’t know about you, reporter fel- why everyone in the USG is tighter than parade on Tuesday that ran the entire low, but I am sure glad that, when I call my a freshman Asian international transfer length of Manhattan. All New York City buddies, someone is listening in just to student. residents were required to attend. make sure they really are my friends and Since the impeachment of Ralph New Yorkers were very supportive of not some freedom-haters who have been Thomas, and the articles immediately their nation’s heroes, who marched down posing as friends of mine this entire time in following in both The Statesman a n d the streets of the city by the hundreds. order to conduct attacks on America. Oh, The Pre s s the new trend in campus poli- Riding in fully armed jeeps and tanks, the and I’m also glad that we now have the tics is to watch what you say. Those arti- battalions of men and women in uniform Eliminating Middle Eastern A Free’er Free Nation freedom to not have endure hearing trea- cles pissed the fuck out of a lot of peo- carried both M16s and smiles as they Oppression with the sweet Juice of American freedom sonous speech about how we should have ple, including President Jean-Baptiste, waved to the cheering crowds. Three pro- The soldiers were ecstatic to have been surrendered in Iraq. God Bless the troops! who said he was both misquoted and testors attempted to ruin the festivities by able to take part in what President Bush God Bless America!” represented. My conversations with a shouting obscenities at the troops, but they referred to as a “historic endeavor”. One bystander began to question few executive members of the USG and were promptly arrested by police officers, “When I first got drafted, I’ll admit I whether or not we could accurately meas- the SAB were as frustrating as when I who used their non-lethal tasers to subdue was kind of bummed. Especially when ure whether or not Iraq was “free” or not, was trying to get my high school girl- the nonviolent offenders. The protestors they threatened a $500,000 fine that my and therefore the validity of declaring a friend to sleep with me. Even then their and their families currently await deporta- family would be responsible for as well as “victory” or saying that the “job is done,” lips were tighter then my first sexual tion. a twenty-year labor camp sentence for my but he was promptly arrested by military e x p e r i e n c e . girlfriend if I refused to serve,” Private police. It is a federal crime to publish his “Why, even The New York Ronald Stedmann, sixteen, told reporters. exact words due to their anti-American “But once I got out of boot camp and start- sentiment, but rest assured that the man The Players of the USG can Times had nothing but positive ed fighting terrorists in Iraq, I was psy- was a traitor to the United States and its be fantastically colorful ched! Every time I broke into the house of people. and supportive things an oppressed and terrified Iraqi family, I In President Bush’s victory speech, characters. Get to know could feel my countrymen regaining the which aired at night during the national 10 to say” precious freedoms that the terrorists tried PM curfew so all Americans could watch, them and their opinions, to destroy on 9/11.” he stressed that the War on Islam was far understand them. Said Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice “Well, all I can say right now is that I’m from over. of America’s support of both the war and glad to be back,” said Corporal Mickey “There are many countries out there that I do not fault them for feeling cau- the troops, “It’s truly heartwarming to see “Buzzbomber” Johnson, 27. “Fighting for are not yet staunch U.S. allies,” said Bush. tious; it’s only natural for a person who the people of this great nation finally com- freedom is great and all, but I’ve been “They lack freedom, and it is up to feels misrepresented to be careful about ing together. We’re winning the war unloading an M16 full of freedom pellets America to show them the way. We will how they represent themselves in the against radical Islam and not only bringing into Iraqis who hate the U.S. for giving start by launching nucular weapons at all next issue. I call on the journalists of freedom to those who don’t have it, but them democracy for so long, that I just French cities. Intelligence reports show this campus not to print whatever they also bringing even m o re freedom to miss being here and experiencing every- that France has been sending hundreds of think or whatever the foolish people Americans in all 51 states. Afghanistan, thing that makes this country great. Now billions of suicide bombers into major they interview say. We don’t all have the newest addition to the country, had that I’m home, I get to hold my beautiful metropolitan areas every year to conduct law degrees or adequate experience in nothing but positive things to say after the wife, finally meet my children, see how attacks on America, to destroy our way of government to know what is the journal- American people voted to annex them into my friends and their families are doing, life and destroy the freedoms we hold dear. istic 9 feet of rope we need to hang you the Union. They were overwhelmingly visit my brother who was incarcerated for I am confident that the survivors of the with. supportive when the President signed into circulating seditious material, take my boat nuclear holocaust in France will rise up The players of the USG can be fantas- law the Sedition Act of 2007, a law which out for a spin, grab me a burger and and accept freedom, democratic values, tically colorful characters. Get to know their own representative proposed a bill to Freedom Fries, visit my mother in the and U.S. military control. But more impor- them and their opinions, u n d e r s t a n d Congress which calls for the imprisonment retirement home, and take that trip to the t a n t l y, once Operation France’s Final t h e m . If you truly understand a man’s of those who try to undermine our domes- parts of Europe still recognized by the Surrender is put into effect, the American opinions you might misquote them, but tic and foreign policies through anti-gov- U.S.” Johnson said that he plans to use his people will have more freedoms than ever you cannot misrepresent them. ernment hate speech. And even as we Freedom Travel Points, which Americans before in our nation’s history.” www.thestonybrookpress.com 25 Jeopardy!: An Evening with the MSA By Alex Wa l s h Osman. He was setting up the snack table, Adam, A m i r, and Yaser took the podium the Sisters rolled out a hardcore come- ______so it’s possible my inner dowser’s rod was for the Trebek role. (Dare I make the pun? back. It started with a Potpourri (pro- attuned more to pretzels than charisma. In Oh, I dare!) A Tri-bek, if you will. I think nounced Pot-pourri, of course) question: T h e r e ’s something you should know any case, I talked to Adam for a little they pulled it off particularly well. This is the most common incoherent sound about me. I love Jeopardy. while. He’s a nice guy, but he seemed a lit- Certainly less awkwardly Canadian than made on the show Pinky and the Brain. I I think this issue’s Top 5 feature is T V tle confused as to why I had decided to the Man himself, but also less endearingly wrote that one down as an example shows. If you were to look at my list, show up for this event rather than any of Canadian. The rules were explained – my because it was the first one all night I Jeopardy would be on there. So when their many other, more interesting occa- personal favorite being “In case of a tie, knew the answer to. "What is narf?" T h e Becca, one of our lovely and talented sions. I can understand that. No lie, they someone in charge will know what to do” dudes in the back messed up by going for News Editors, mentioned Islamic schedule more events than most groups – and the assemblage was divided into a $600 history question: At this battle in Jeopardy as being among the upcoming I’m familiar with. I’ve been to a few they three teams: the Sisters made one team, Palestine, the Mamelukes defeated the campus events, I was elated. Elated. T h a t ’s co-sponsored with AID (Americans for and the Brothers were divided in two. Mongol invasion. Or something like that. a word I don’t just drag out for any little Informed Democracy, yo.). But the mag- They shall hereafter be referred to as Front Nobody got it, but the answer was A i n thing. Alright, I scored some Mint Dibs at netic appeal competitive trivia holds for and Back. There were some protests that Jalut. (I stole a book on Mongolian history the SAC! Am I elated? No. Jeopardy? Shit me is foreign to most people. If I hadn’t the division wasn’t fair because the delin- from my high school library. I would have yeah! I don’t know what it is. Maybe the already digressed too much many times in quents tend to sit in the back, but they o ffered to pay for it, but if they said no and necessity of answering statements with this piece, I’d tell you about the College were ignored because nobody knew that then it went missing... well, they wouldn't questions tickles my sense of the absurd. Bowl team I was on last year. We called that was foreshadowing yet. No one ever have to think too hard about who took it, Like Ludacris’ video for “Get Back.” (He ourselves Oppressive Marxist Orthodoxy. does. The stakes in this competition were now would they?) Still, the ladies contin- has such huge hands! How delightfully Being the smooth operator I am, I made kept mysterious, except for the hint that ued their victorious campaign. At the next improbable!) Or maybe my inner elitist score check, they were 200 points ahead of asshole prefers the lack of graphics and the Frontfellows with 700 points. T h e almost comically low prize money to the Backmen were still one thousand in the f l a s h y, multimillion-dollar fare that comes red. Their tenacity in refusing to sink out today. Game shows? I liked their earli- lower was hailed. er work better. So anyway, my ‘semi- Several questions and another Pot-pour- responsible journalist’ guilt pushed me to ri joke later, they had done just that. Wi t h cover an actual campus event instead of -1200, they provided a balance to the other another fun, but essentially space-filling, two teams, now tied at 1000. By the way, Top 5 entry. Why not get my quiz show fix the Potpourri question this time was "This at the same time? Sounds like a plan to me. Muslim fought Superman in the comics, N o w, all the information I had was the and won." I'm sure you're all thinking it's event name – Islamic Jeopardy, for those Jaculi, the speedy spear-slinger from the not paying attention – and a shaky date. original crappy (and totally un-PC) 1987 “ I t ’s February 7th,” I was told, “Or maybe run of Suicide Squad. How DC got away the 22nd.” Being a near-constant denizen with that one I'll never know... But every of the Union, I figured I’d just take a stroll last one of you is wrong. It's actually Alex Walsh up to the prayer room on the second floor Jeopardy! Muhammad Ali. Back in '78 they met up to and ask around to clear up the details. But decide who would be Earth's champion to that plan hit a snag. I’ve been in recovery sure to commit my first social faux pas the victor would bring home an expensive fight an invading alien race's champion. from my Irish Catholic upbringing for a within ten minutes of entering the room. dessert. My mind filled with visions of Trash talking and fisticuffs ensued, and few years, and have sort of lost my sense Another quirk of mine is that I’m a habit- exotic pies and snack cakes as the cate- The Greatest took down Supes. It was of the proper protocol in religious situa- ual left-sitter. When I enter a room, my gories were read. Madhahib (Islamic under a red sun, but it happened. The Fates tions. Somehow knocking on the door- tendency is to seat myself a la izquierda. schools of thought), the Qur’an (if you took pity on the aptly named Back team, frame of a prayer room – scratch that – a (Musing: would a cool dude from the early need a parenthetical explanation for this, who uncovered a Daily Double near the mosque, according to the little plaque on ‘90s with this habit be a radical leftist?) look it up yourself, fool), Ahadith and the wall, seemed a bit disrespectful. I So, obeying my natural impulse, I ganked History (ahadith are traditions relating to Being the smooth operator I mean, who wants someone knocking and a chair to the far side of the aisle. T h i s the words and deeds of Muhammad), being all disruptive when they’re trying to placed me firmly amongst the Sisters. My S B M S A (focusing on the words and deeds am, I made sure to commit have a spiritual experience? I wouldn’t. So bad. The event got underway shortly after of the MSA folk themselves), and my first social faux pas with - how do I get the attention of the room’s I realigned myself with the appropriate Potpourri (which, it was explicitly pointed inhabitants? Whistling seemed like an gender ID. It was at this point that I ran out out, is not pronounced POT-pourri, setting in ten minutes of even worse idea. For some reason waving of Dibs. up the first running gag of the evening). I entering the room d i d n ’t occur to me. But my deliverance In order to kill time for late arrivals to really wanted Potent Potables to be on the came when I glanced back to the wall. A show up, Adam and his co-hosts, V P A m i r list, but I’m pretty sure alcohol is harÇm, end of the round. Although they were deep handy-dandy calendar of events! Issue Sahib and Treasurer Yaser Rad (who has so that was an unrealistic hope. in the hole, the merciful trio of hosts neatly sidestepped. an almost unspeakably awesome name), Although the Sisters earned the privi- allowed them to wager up to $1,000. Armed with an accurate time and loca- played some pre-game Ummah Films. For lege of first play by winning the ancient " We're going all or nothing," the Back tion, I felt confident heading to the SAC the uneducated, Ummah Films is a challenge of "I'm thinking of a number, " team's spokesman bravely declared. T h e on the evening of the 22nd. After a quick videoblog website. The blogger, Baba A l i , the Front Bros took an early lead... in a inevitable reply came from the Front, stop by the food court to pick up some is sort of a Zefrank for the religious set. sense. At the first score check, all three "What do you mean all or nothing? Yo u Dibs (Okay, maybe ‘elated’ is the right Several attendees noted that Ali bears a bit teams were in the negative. The Front have nothing." At the risk of falling to a word here.), I made my appearance in the of a resemblance to Adam. I didn’t see it team held first place with -100 points, the ludicrously low score, the Brothers of the Ballroom. One of the first things I was so much, but they were pretty adamant. I’d Sisters were close behind with -300, and Back Rows faced the following challenge: taught back in reportery school was to say the high point of these videos was the Brothers in the Back were in the run- the names of the compilers of the Sahih always introduce yourself as a journalist. when Ali introduced me to the phrase “I’m ning for the Spirit Award with a Sitta (the Six Books, hadith collections I’ll leave it up to you to decide if I walked outy like a Saudi.” I am so using that. respectable -1000. I decided to root for seen as authentic by Sunni Muslims). to the first person I saw or if I have an After two episodes (“Don’t Be a Seasonal them, since everybody loves an underdog. S a d l y, the boys dropped the ball and the instinctive ability to seek out leadership, Muslim (Where Are the Muslims A t ? ) ” I am a Mets fan after all. And if one of Sisters got the rebound, picking up 500 but without any means of identification, I and “Islam and Culture”), the true games- them started channeling Sean Connery, I approached the MSA President, A d a m manship began. wanted to be there. After the score check, Continued on next page www.thestonybrookpress.com 26 (Jeopardy!: An Evening with the MSA) here's a whole bunch more. Every day Continued from previous page between March 12 and 16, they're having points and the lead. Pwnage. Luck struck some kind of program or festivity. A s Rebirth of the Craft again, and the Back got yet another Daily Osman announced these activities, Ya s e r Double. Once again, they went all in. But had fun with the Powerpoint. He earned By Tj KM sarily want to hang out with other people could they name the Four Imams? One massive brownie points by proclaiming, at ______but you could. It’s the same reason that enterprising Brother, caught using his one point, "It's good to be the King." when I go out of state alone for a job I like phone during the deliberation time, A n y w a y, the Islam Week is kicking off Since working at the Craft Center I to walk around shopping malls, just to be declared that he was using a Lifeline. His with an ice cream social in the Union have found a new respect for the idea and around people, not even necessarily to ruse was uncovered, however, and the Fireside Lounge. So if you go there, you purpose of crafts. I’m not referring to a interact with any of them. There are of points went to the Front team. can get ice cream and a schedule of craft, like a skill that one practices and course many students that do interact very Going into Final Jeopardy, the scores upcoming events. Good deal, no? perfects. I am referring to the arts and much but what makes the experience so were as follows: Front with a commanding Speaking of good deals, the fearless crafts I grew up thinking were the corny similar for those in a group or those alone lead at 1900, Sisters in second with 1500, leaders finally revealed the bounty that older brother of Fine Arts or simply. I’m is that they are all (more or less) focused and our heroes trailing behind at -1800. A awaited their champions: two cheesecakes thinking about the kind of stuff that, as an on making something with their hands. Its ruling was handed down that they could from the Cheesecake Factory. To the vic- artist, I always wanted to avoid because of meditative to work on crafts in the same bet up to 1801 for Final Jeopardy, with the tors go the treats. As the game disbanded there apparent non-contemporary, non- way that focusing on your breathing helps category Early Hadith Scholars. and the people set about grabbing snacks conceptual nature. Crafts to me were you meditate while doing yoga. Recognizing that its role in the show was from the tables, Amir began a performance always the things teachers and adults Now why is this so worth writing coming to an end, the hosts' microphone of his own spoken-word poetry. I missed made me do when they didn’t want me to about? Ask yourself what art is for. Do broke. As the teams wrote down their the beginning, and when I walked in, watch T V but weren’t creative enough to you have an answer? If you have an wagers, Yaser reminded them all that gam- assumed that he was freestyling. I feel it's come up with something better. So it answer I would love to listen. I have never bling is harÇm. I'm sure there's a special best to open and close any evening with came as quite a surprise to me when I been able to satisfy myself with an answer exception for Jeopardy, though. So who demonstrations of ignorance. Had he actu- helped with my first Craft Night as a to what art is for. This is partially because was the first Muhaddith to grade Hasan ally been rapping, though, he would have Graduate Assistant. I was amazed at how I continue to expand my definition of what d i fferently from Sahih in his collection? been following Saul Wi l l i a m s ’ s u g g e s t i o n many students were coming by the Union art is. You can say 2 + 2 is 4 and 2 + 3 is Humming of the Jeopardy theme com- to replace hardcore with heartcore. It was Ballroom to sit for hours and make crafts not 4, your opinion doesn’t matter (unless menced as the several troupes set to work. good stuff, though, and he may be the only for dorm rooms or gifts or whatever. It you create some new mathematical logic As if there was any doubt, the Back team person I’ve heard succesfully rhyme “7.6 became clear though that it wasn’t where or dimension). In fact math doesn’t care clinched the Spirit Award by asking plain- magnitude earthquake.” the crafts would go that mattered at all, it much about your opinion but art on the tively if they could bet a hug. The answer My RDA of quizzery being fulfilled, I was where they were made that was what other hand IS your opinion. I can say that to the query, of course, is... yeah, I forg o t grabbed a glass of Coke (Again from the they were about. The crafts were all made painting is art and cooking is not but to write that one down. I really should wrong side of the room. I am highly resist- in a very open and social setting. T h e y someone could easily say the guy that just have checked that. But it seems nobody ant to learning) and headed home. All in were made among friends, peers or just painted his house is not an artist but his really knows, as all three teams answered all, I had a good time. Next year I’m form- other people depending on your perspec- favorite sushi chef is. I wont bore you i n c o r r e c t l y. Final scores: Front 799, Sisters ing my own team and going for that tive. They were made among music, with more “one person’s trash is another’s 2, Back... oh dear, sweet Back... -3601. Cheesecake. The MSA has sown the seeds snacks and a big giant room filled with gold” comparisons, so I hope you see my Before the awarding of prizes, President of their own undoing with those “Free people. They were made at a place to point. That is art can be anything anyone Osman took some time out to announce Books” tables. I’m going to study up and meet, to be approached and to sit alone or says is art, so…what’s the point? the upcoming Islam Awareness We e k . score me some cake. however you liked to spend your Now is when it comes full circle and we Remember how I said they plan a lot of A u t h o r ’s note: The answer to that last evenings. all get incredibly satisfied. Art is social events? It's okay, you can go back and one was Imam Tirmidhi. Thanks to Ya s e r Crafts helped to create social potential. and cultural navigation and what I saw on check. I wrote way too much in this. We l l , for the fact check. This doesn’t mean that you would neces- Craft Night is proof of this. “Fuck the Police” By Jon Pesce Now we must pose the question: “Why, So let’s recap. Stadium passes are But w h y? W h y, why, why, why, why, or ______oh why, would the great and almighty worth well in excess of $100.00 (that’s perhaps how is a more pertinent question. baby-killing, rock salt-covered, zebra- two newly released tiles for the XBOX H o w, how, how, how, could someone so I’m a commuter. I drive a good 50 min- striped, and often-flooded SUNY S t o n y 360, by the way) of your money. T h e r e utterly incompetent as to allow such ills utes to SB five days a week, almost every Brook want to reserve several valuable are seven spots (one of which you could to exist be employed at a u n i v e r s i t y of all week, and when I get to stadium parking parking spots for people who never use be using… but won’t) reserved for indi- places? We ask this question and then I expect to be able to find a decent place them?” Never mind that these police who viduals who never, e v e r , occupy them… realize the answer as we shake our heads to park. Not an unreasonable request - I'm oh… ohhhh…well it seems I forg o t in disappointment: w e ’ re talking about sure you'll agree, especially after paying something. It’s a little story in fact, a true Stony Brook University, re m e m b e r ? ( s e e such a sumptuous sum of money to obtain one, maybe you’ve heard it. It goes like stonybrooksucks.com) said pass. t h i s … But I’ve noticed a funny thing about Once upon a time, I was driving into the stadium lot lately, and maybe you the stadium lot in the wake of a massive Never mind that these police ... have, too. There are these strange signs ice storm that glassed Nassau and Suff o l k that say things like “Parking Reserved for counties the night before. After skidding have these very attractive spots University Police”; as a matter of fact, out on the utterly unattended to roads, and there are about seven signs that reserve inflicting $500.00 worth of damage on reserved for themselves The Stony Brook Press parking for various SBU affiliates and Fuck the Police my rear wheel bearings, I was enraged to f a c u l t y, including the police. Why these observe that while those stupid mother- One parking pass, $500.00 in car individuals want to take my fellow com- have these very attractive spots reserved fuckers did not even touch the roads, or repairs, and a ticket later, I think I’m enti- m u t e r ’s and my parking spots is one mat- for themselves are often found parked at the stadium parking lot, they had quite tled to more than just an answer. Shit, you ter; however, it’s not the one that’s really curb, on the sidewalk, and in that parking diligently cleared seven spots in the stadi- know what? (That one’s a rhetorical ques- got me. What confuses me is why they lot between the SAC and the Disabilities um lot of all snow and ice. tion) Fuck answers. I just want the fuck- d o n ’t want them. Yes, that’s right - why resource center, specifically on top of that Ok, story’s over. Did you guess which ing signs out of there before I fucking they don’t. As I’m sure many beside me strip of the huge vinyl lettering that states seven spots were plowed when I arrived? snap, come in with a Sawzall, cut the have noticed, none (and by none I mean “NO PARKING.” It’s simply the logic of If you guessed the ones that are reserved motherfuckers down, and then park paral- zero) of these spots are ever occupied. this entire situation that completely for those fucks who never use them, then lel to the curb in my freshly liberated E v e r. escapes me. congradufuckinglations, you’re right! spots; just to assert myself. Get me? www.thestonybrookpress.com 27 The End of Privacy, SBU Journalism The Beginning of An Major Forces Orwellian Police State Transfer Students to By Matthew Rammelkamp ted to board an airplane, Amtrak train, open ______a bank account, or enter a Federal building. Is this Nazi Germany? Airports implement Look at Small Print In the US, the UK, and other We s t e r n biometric face-scanning technologies that countries, we have been secretly moving can scan lobby areas and waiting lines for By Jesse Cozzetti he told me this, I felt so much anger towards a police state. Privacy is a thing of terrorists. Sea World and some other enter- ______inside. It was like series of moments run- the past. There are CCTV ( C l o s e d - C i r c u i t tainment parks have started implementing ning through my mind. I remembered all Television) cameras everywhere, all new biometric hand scans mandatory for all of Imagine this: two SUNY schools, one a the times I worked so hard on my journal- cars have GPS (Global Positioning its customers to enter the park. community college and the other a senior ism papers, homework, and having to Satellite) "anti-theft" tracking systems in The next step will be microchipping college, both within miles of each other hold down two jobs to pay the bills, and them, and our cell phones have GPS track- everyone. No, I'm serious. A c o m p a n y and both offering journalism courses to for what? Not only was my time and ing. The logs for phone calls are saved for called Applied Digital Solutions has created satisfy a degree. However, the senior col- money wasted but I felt a sense of hope- years by Telecom companies. Companies implantable microchips for humans. A l l lege says, “no way” to receiving trans- lessness, and I just wanted to give my have sprung up offering a small fee to give over mainstream news, right after 9-11, they ferred journalism courses from the com- dream up. I thought about my past advi- anybody your landline or cell phone publicized a volunteer family who said they munity college. sors carelessly passing me along and giv- records. They are advertising this to spous- wanted to be microchipped because they This isn’t just a figment of my imagi- ing me misleading advice. When I gradu- es who think their partners are cheating on feel safer. First it was pets, now A l z h e i m e r ’s nation, this is a reality for Suff o l k ated from SCCC, I briefly transferred to them. Companies are monitoring their patients, then prisoners (so we know where Community College journalism transfer Five Towns College in Dix Hills for one employees movements while at work to see they are when they escape), next the entire students (including myself) who received semester before going to SBU. My broad- how long their lunch breaks are, or to tell if population. No one will be able to buy or a slap in the face from Stony Brook casting professor, Professor Prusslin, who delivery workers are using company-paid sell without the chip. The threat of immi- U n i v e r s i t y ’s new journalism major. T h o s e claimed he was affiliated with SBU, told time to do errands. [Some companies moni- grants taking away jobs, or terrorists being students who completed their A s s o c i a t e s the class on plenty of occasions to think tor data in the trucks such as the speed and in the country is the excuse they are using degree in journalism (fine arts) or hap- about considering the new SBU journal- even acceleration of their truck drivers.] for National ID cards, and they will use pened to take on several journalism cours- ism program. It was because of him that I Every e-mail sent is saved and kept by inter- them for getting you to accept the es and hoped to continue their education decided to go to SBU. I also remember net Service Provider. microchip. in journalism at SBU, will be shocked to several professors at SCCC saying the In Britain, all license plates of any car Hundreds of hospitals are already discover that SBU does not equate SCCC same thing. Still, nobody ever mentioned driving on a major highway is scanned and implanting the chip in people to have imme- journalism courses to the new program. the journalism courses we took would not run alongside databases of registered vehi- diate access to patients’ e m e rgency medical This means a student who took six or t r a n s f e r. cles and wanted criminals. Now google has records. Even some club owners are using seven or more journalism courses at announced that they have plans to listen into implantable microchips for their customers SCCC and transferred to SBU will have your living room. They claim to have devel- - to avoid need for checking IDs or paying to meet the new journalism major require- oped technology that will be able to audio in cash. Pretty soon, they will introduce m e n t s . record anything going on in the room your them for supermarkets under the appeal you Why is this? Well, supposedly SBU’s computer is in, so that they can hear the tel- won't ever have to wait in line for groceries journalism courses are at the 300 level evision to see what sort of shows you listen ever again. Police went to grocery stores and SCCC’s journalism courses are at the to and what ads you are already being and asked them to take part in a voluntary 100 level, so they’rejust not equal. T h e exposed to. More and more corporations are program to take customers fingerprints if only way a student can get at most three putting RFID (Radio Frequency they pay by check, with a shopper’s card, or journalism courses, or nine credits, to Identification) chips in their products. RFID credit/debit card. The Defense Department transfer to SBU is if the transfer courses chips are so small that you can't see them, developed finger scanning devices for shop- are evaluated individually for equivalency but they are being put in clothing, beauty pers to use, and then transferred them to pri- by the undergraduate director. supplies, cereal boxes, EVERY T H I N G ! vate companies to make it look like they SUNYSB.edu Corporations want to trace the real-time aren't behind it. We’re More Expensive and We Have Less Pot location of any consumer product ever man- Right now microchips are voluntary, but So what exactly is the point H o w e v e r, in my sense of hopelessness, ufactured, bought, sold, or stolen. The gov- they could soon become mandatory if peo- of this? Well first off, I want I knew I was not alone. Dennis Baade, a ernment is even considering putting them in ple don't wake up and fight back. All we SBU journalism student, is also a SCCC money to prevent tax fraud, black markets, need is maybe one or two more "terrorist" to be a journalist, and it’s my transfer student with 59 credits under his and to keep an electronic trail of EVERY- attacks orchestrated by our own government job to inform the public, but belt, including eighteen credits, or six THING. but blamed on a foreign "enemy" and peo- classes, in journalism. When asked if any Governments are already using RFID. In ple will fall for it. Orwell would be having I also feel for the future jour - journalism courses transferred, Baade London, weekly and monthly subway and ceizures in his grave if he were alive today nalism students like Baade said, “Nothing. I’m planning on speaking train passes have chips in them that can and knew the direction we are headed. to Paul Schreiber, the underg r a d u a t e trace and record their journey. I've heard For more info, go to google video or and myself who are hard - d i r e c t o r, one more time, but the hint I got that the New NYS Issued drivers licenses Youtube and search for "Microchip" is that they won’t accept anything, and no are the same. We can't live without the gov- "National ID Cards and RFID Chips" "The working students. journalism courses here will be waived.” ernment monitoring our every move, trans- Cashless Society" and see S B U ’s new journalism major is action, and thought. w w w.infowars.com and www. p l a n e t - When I met up with Dr. Schreiber, the designed to prepare the next generation of By May 2008, all states have to issue prison.com. The most powerful movie u n d e rgraduate director of journalism, journalists for careers in broadcast jour- "National ID" cards to citizens with some about this is called America: Freedom to back in December to make my schedule, nalism, print journalism, and online jour- sort of biological proof on the cards (finger- Fascism which you can watch online for he informed me that basically none of my nalism. In addition, students will be print, biometric data) that the name and pic- free at http://www. f r e e d o m t o f a s c i s m . c o m . journalism courses would transfer over required to do a dual major or eighteen ture on the card is who we say we are. Look for it being screened this semester on from SCCC, with the possible exception credits in one of four multidisciplinary Anyone without the card will not be permit- campus by SJA. of an Investigative Reporting class. W h e n Continued on next page www.thestonybrookpress.com 28 SBU Journalism (...) Comic Update 19- In C o n t i n u e d and Out By Mo Ibrahim am I supposed to do--do I say hi or just Continued from previous page know SBU’s program is new, but how hard can it be to get a line of communica- ______walk right past her… will she think I’m areas outside the journalism major. T h e tion between the two departments so that rude for not acknowledging her presence? multidisciplinary areas are Public A ff a i r s , there is a coherent system? W h a t ’s the Some of us find that during our daily I mean, I see her on the elevator everyday Diversity and Society, Science and the point of having Suffolk under the State U. routine, we find ourselves trapped in a and we never talk so this shouldn’t be any Environment and Global Issues and umbrella if its programs are not in harmo- small room with a random stranger or d i ffe rent right… okay fine, I’ll just look Perspectives. The journalism major over- ny with what the senior colleges are two. No, we’re never forced into it; nor do right at her and if she says hi I’ll respond all requires 65 credits, including 47 cred- d o i n g ? ” we always feel like we’re in any danger. with a courteous, ‘Hi, how are you?’”. its in journalism and the eighteen credits So what exactly is the point of this? Yet for every single second of the day, I overhear strange things on an eleva- in the multidisciplinary concentration. On Well, first off, I want to be a journalist, dozens of people find themselves in this t o r. Someone will be on the phone talking top of this, Journalism students in the and it’s my job to inform the public, but I situation. We typically stay with them in about God knows what, but from your journalism 110 class (Reporting and also feel for the future journalism students this room for a few seconds, maybe a perspective it’s always out of context. Writing) must pass a six-week immersion like Baade and myself who are hardwork- minute, or in some worst case scenarios, a Someone will just be saying, “Yeah mom, lab in grammar, punctuation, and sentence ing students. The point is I think hopeful couple of hours. Of course, I’m referring I got it removed,” or “I done told that structure. Students will be given a test on SCCC journalism transfer students should to an elevator and the awkward situations bitch she gun’ get killed.” Sometimes their first day of lab; those who pass will know the small print in SBU’s journalism it puts us through everyday. you’ll hear them whisper, “I’m on an ele- be dismissed from the lab and can pursue program. Journalism students should be When I’m alone in an elevator with v a t o r, I’ll tell you when I get out.” I just the journalism major. The students who warned by their advisors or professors, someone, I think to myself, “Oh crap… go all out and amuse the person with me. d o n ’t pass must attend the next five weeks etc. what am I supposed to do?” You really do If I’m on the phone I’ll make sure the of lab until they are administered a second H o w e v e r, there is a significant underly- have many different options. T h e r e ’s the other person stands there guessing what proficiency test. If any student fails both ing problem. Could this have a big eff e c t “I’m pretending like I don’t see you” I’m talking about. I’ll say something like, tests, they will not be permitted to declare on SCCC if journalism students, those thing, where you simply keep staring at “Last night was one thing I will never try a major or minor in the journalism pro- who knew they wanted to go to SBU and the floor indicator at the top of the eleva- again.” Keep them on their toes, give gram. Talk about pressure! This aff e c t s found out no journalism credits trans- tor while hoping it gets to your floor soon them something to think about. SCCC transfer students in a very big way. ferred over, left SCCC for SBY? Could enough. You know, where you stand there I sometimes just stand there and talk to Those with their Associates now at SBU this possibly cause the SCCC journalism hitting the same button over and over the person; you know, just to break the not only have to deal with their journal- program to dissolve? Baade says, again as if the elevator is going to get the ice. Stare them straight in the eyes and go ism courses not transferring, but if they “ O b v i o u s l y, the Suffolk program would hint and move faster. All the while you try “I hope we don’t die.” The look on their d o n ’t pass this grammar lab, they cannot stand to suffer more because I think you to peek out of the corner of your eye to face is just priceless. When the elevator go further in the journalism field. I am not would see a lot more students in my posi- get a glimpse of your elevator-mate. Of door opens they walk really quickly away trying to imply that the grammar lab is a tion, those who desire to stay near home course, there are other options, like talk- from you. I think it would be funny to just bad thing; it is actually a very helpful either by choice or by necessity, skipping ing on the cell phone or reading some- suddenly pull out a camera and ask, “Can class, and of course a writer needs to the program at Suffolk altogether and thing. And if you don’t have any reading I take a picture of you?” know his or her grammar. But it will be going straight to SB. If you have a major material, your eyes start to wander, trying Why is it that in most stories told about devastating for any journalism student picked out and know that credits in that to find something to read until you can’t elevators getting stuck, there’s usually like me who doesn’t pass and has been in field will not transfer over, why hang find anything else but the words on your one person in the elevator? I want to hear college for several years just trying to get around especially if the four-year school own shirt: “Oh, so that’s what Diesel something interesting. I want someone to a degree. I guess some of us will just have is practically next door?” looks like from up here.” s a y, “The elevator got stuck and we just I had this one strange experience on an popped open the buttons, pulled off the elevator ride. I get on the elevator with telephone door and the side rails and this girl and she just looks at me and says, made a raft. Not that we would need a raft “I know I stink.” I’m just thinking, “wow, but it was handy, just in case there was a t h a t ’s a good icebreaker.” How do you body of water nearby.” If I got stuck with react to that? Someone completely ran- someone in an elevator, I think we’d dom whom I have never met in my life become the best of friends. Two strangers decides to acknowledge the fact that she forced to stay in a tiny enclosed area for stinks. Am I supposed to say, “Yeah, I bet more than an hour. The elevator would you do- you need a shower”? I simply break and I would just look at the other

SUNYSuffolk.edu replied by saying, “Nah, you don’t smell person and say, “Man, am I horny.” T h e We’re Cheaper and We Have More Pot bad.” But for the record she didn’t stink, person next to you, no matter what gen- to suck it up. I t ’s too early to tell what will happen in and we got into a conversation about why d e r, is going to feel like they entered a Baade states, “Life ain’t fair, I guess, this matter. However, when I emailed she thought she smelled like sweat. doomed ride. You can just cackle for a but I can’t help but feel that I was some- Executive Dean William Connors at Basically by the end of the ride I found minute then pause and say, “Looks like what misled. I was, rightly or wrongly, of SCCC campus, he stated, “I am very dis- out her name, where she lived and that she we’re gunna die!” with a bright smile on the belief that not only did the credits tressed by your email. I will look into this likes to play handball until she stinks like your face. But seriously, I’d break out the t r a n s f e r, but they would be equivalent to and get back to you shortly.” A r l e n e pig in the middle of the Sahara (although broken elevator survival guide. We’d play some of the lower level courses. T h i n k i n g Feldman from SBU admissions said, “I that would be some interesting sight). never have I ever, truth or dare, Simon back I can’t remember what gave me an am waiting to hear back from either Sometimes I make friends from being says you know, the whole nine. impression- a professor at Suffolk, anoth- Professor Schneider or Professor in an elevator. If you take the elevator at The point is, no matter where you are, er student- or did I just assume that Schreiber on this issue. The University the same time every day and someone if you’re on an elevator, you’re bound to because SB was a SUNY school that there does accept all of the courses for credit. else happens to be on the same sort of step into an awkward situation. I say, why was some sort of a relationship between The issue is about the equivalency, and schedule, you’ll start seeing that person not have some fun and say something the two programs?” what Stony Brook courses Suff o l k ’s are often and you’ll eventually start saying completely outrageous? I mean, hey, Should SBU journalism courses be equivalent to is made by the major. ” “Hi” out of politeness. Have you ever you’re never going to see this person equivalent to SCCC journalism courses? This concerning matter is not over, and seen that same person outside of the ele- again why not? Next time you go on an Baade says, “Yeah. Both schools are part I plan on talking to the journalism board vator? When you’re walking outside or in elevator think about. Look at the person of the same system and they’re right and SCCC journalism staff to write an the hallway and you see them, you panic, directly in the eyes and say, “I hope you down the highway from each other. I updated story on this matter. right? You tell yourself, “That’s her, what d o n ’t have the clap.” www.thestonybrookpress.com 29 Reviews Explosions in the Ghost Rider

By Justin Meltzer stunt he’s done ten thousand times before ______later that afternoon. “Nooooo!” proclaims Sky - All of a a newly relieved distressed Johnny, Va d e r Many movies nowadays bring a sense style. What to do now, grieve for your of quality to the silver screen. Telling a dearly departed dad, or ride your motorcy- story through the medium of film is a cle through the dessert… I think you see prestigious and time-honored tradition; where I’m going with this. Sudden I Miss from Orson We l l s ’ Citizen Kane to the Well, turns out the devil saved, and then most recent Best Picture Oscar nominees. killed, your dad, but now, since you’re his But every now and then a movie comes bitch, you can’t die, so continue being a along that touches you in such a way that stuntman and don’t worry about killing Everyone you end up feeling uncomfortable and vio- yourself, since the devil’s got your back. lated. Ghost Rider is such a film. Just be prepared to do whatever he says, In the first fifteen minutes of the film, like hunt evil-but-randomly-inserted bad you start to ask yourself, “Where am I, guys who have nothing to do with the plot, By Bryan Hasho is a perfect introduction to the album, as and what am I doing here?” The premise because the devil says so. Get it, got it, ______well as a contrast to their illustrious use of the film uses a number of clichés that good. In summation, the acting was atro- of mundane openings and relentlessly add to its tackiness. To sit and actually cious, the script was made of Limburg e r, A strained, female voice commences intense conclusions. witness these clichés causes an uncom- and the directing took us right into a M o g w a i ’s mid-nineties epochal Yo u n g Following is “Welcome Ghosts,” as fortable laughter to burst out from within, methane swamp, one from which there is Team, vowing, “Because music is big- recently heard on last Tu e s d a y ’s L a t e a fact I was privy to a number of times no return. Now to discuss the best (worst) ger than words and wider than pictures. Night with Conan O’Brien. Here it is throughout my viewing. The young parts of the movie. If someone said that Mogwai are the apparent that critics who suggest that Johnny Blaze (played by Matt Long) stars I would not object. If the stars had All of a Sudden is creatively dormant looked nothing like what was supposed to 1 ) JB has a horrible motorcycle a sound it would sound like this.” have yet to commit a dedicated listen. be Nick Cage in his teens. As for the crash and should be dead (by non-soul These twenty seconds have become an The complexities of the album’s over- young Roxanne Simpson (played by selling standards), but instead of para- anthem for post-rock instrumental fans lapping instrumental storyline are both Raquel Alessi), the love interest of the medics rushing to his aid, his friends get since Mogwai’s indie classic, but until extensive and inventive, and the mid- Ghost Rider, her only resemblance to Eva there first, rip his helmet off, and slap him l a t e l y, the genre has proved stagnant. album introduction of a piano proves a Mendez was through a prosthetic mole on in the face asking, “Johnny, are you ok?” I All of a Sudden I Miss Every o n e is the well-instilled maturation, a welcome her face. Let’s have a round of applause w a s n ’t aware slapping trauma victims in latest in the emergence of Explosions In change from punk’s recent aff l i c t i o n for the casting deptartment. As the two the face was proper medical protocol. The Sky, and the defining strike in the with uninspired, seemingly pointless teens profess their love for each other, the 2 ) First time turning into Ghost at-last resurfacing of a genre. additions of pseudo-pioneering violins, young Roxie mentions that her father Rider: six-minute transformation. Every- The Mogwai influence, even if an trumpets, or tambourines for that mat- d o e s n ’t approve of the daredevil motorcy- time after the first: instant. Must get easi- unrealized one, is evident. Explosions, t e r. cling antics of JB, and she is not allowed er to light your skull on fire with practice. h o w e v e r, is irrefutably progressive. In “So Long, Lonesome,” the piano’s to see him anymore. Geeze, that sure 3 ) After having just ridden up the The Austin, Texas quartet came togeth- success creates a new character of the would have been nice to know before he side of a building on your flaming motor- er in 1999 to produce How Strange, s t o r y. It’s often times spiraling, yet just carved both their initials into a tree. cycle and killing a bad guy made of air I n n o c e n c e , and have evolved their always dramatic, and transcends to the But wait, JB knows what to do: “We’ll get with a windmill, you notice the police hel- sound to their current rock- symphonist spine of the album’s slow conflict. T h e on my bike and just ride away!” Of icopter that has been pursuing you fly up status. Constructed of a drum set and latter half of the song serves as the turn- course, how simple that’ll solve every- from underneath the building where you three guitars (and the occasional bass), ing point for our protagonist; the soft thing. I wish I had thought of that. Plus are currently on top. Don’t helicopters Explosions is purely instrumental. taps of the snare drum actually seem to this has never been done before in any usually fly above buildings, not below They are Sigur Rós-esque ambient, as create muffled gunshots. The piano other movie, so it’s very original and not them? Oh, and don’t forget to whisper to intrinsically crafted as Japan’s Mono, fades, and at least within this particular clichéd at all. the pilot, “You’re getting on my nerves” and perfectly infused with resounding, application, death is an occurring motif. Further down the road we see young over the 105-decibel helicopter rotors and grand crescendos that have no compari- Regardless, the song presents a sort of Jaybles discover his father’s lung cancer then have the pilot whisper back, “Sorry. ” son. celebratory deep breath; a victory, how- and his spreading lung cancer in the same To put it in perspective, a chainsaw is 100 l known cultural relevance as of yet, ever unsure. The percussions seem to sentence: “The cancer has spread.” Hey, d e c i b e l s . endlessly dictates the story without more-so serve the primary effect of the two birds with one stone, right? What is a 4 ) After meeting the old Ghost overshadowing it. They seem to have piece (such is the case for the bulk of distressed stuntman to do? W h y, work on Rider in a cemetery that he just “knew” evolved since the album, especially in the album), a change from a role in sup- his motorcycle, of course. As he’s fine how to find, they both have to venture into terms of creating inner-track peaks, as port of Explosion’s renowned thematic tuning his ride and contemplating what the desert to stop the bad guys. After they supposed to previous albums that high- guitar explorations. The meticulous h e ’s going to do, a mysterious stranger each step onto their respective rides and lighted a more album-inclusive climax. combination of the two, however beau- appears and offers to save his father’s life race across 500 miles of the desert, the old This is still very much achieved on their tiful, gives off a reserved feeling some- if young JB signs away his soul to him. Ghost Rider states, two minutes before latest work, though the songs more h o w, an effect that tends to make you Not really wanting to waste time with they arrive at their destination, that he e ffectively act as stand alone chapters believe that the story is yet to reveal so questions, JB proceeds to accidentally c a n ’t travel any further, and then just turns in their epic account. much more. With Explosions, that bleed on the paper, which the devil says is around and rides back. All of a Sudden I Miss Every o n e never really goes away. good enough to count as a signature. 5 ) D o n ’t forget that this movie was begins with “The Birth and Death of P e r s o n a l l y, the next time I need something made by the same guy who wrote and di- The Day,” a song that opens with a bang signed with a notary, I plan to ask him or rected D a re d e v i l and who penned E l e c t r a and grows into an album both awe- All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone her it I can just bleed on the paper. T h e and (shiver) Jack Fro s t. You know, the inspiring and understatedly epic. T h e next morning, his pops is all better but one where Michael Keaton actually turned Explosions in the Sky s o n g ’s strong beginning and regression dies in a motorcycle accident performing a into a fucking snowman. Yeah, that one. www.thestonybrookpress.com 30 Make-Ups and Bre a k - U p s “new Canadian rock” station on XM last backing members on Or Give Me Death, thought that I would institute new crite- What is it about rock musicians hav- month, and my speakers were pounding and fortunately too many cooks don’t ria. Plus, winter is a slow time for ing more drama than, you know, that out garage/punk chords that sounded spoil the broth. However, it feels like releases, so I’ve got nothing else to one friend with the on-again-off - a g a i n like they were straight out of the ‘70s i t ’s lacking an intangible ingredient write about. Here they are; my beliefs relationship? After it appeared that Va n and yet it seemed so fresh. I looked compared to 2005’s I Sold Gold, and I on the best albums with each of the fol- H a l e n ’s reunion tour was set to hit more them up on Wikipedia, only to be horri- think that’s the sense of humility that lowing colors in their names. than 40 venues this summer, the tour fied that I liked something to come out made the debut album feel more invit- was “indefinitely postponed” on of Sum 41: it’s a side project of the ing, with vocals comparable to Ben The Velvet Underg r o u n d – White February 21st. T h a t ’s a publicist’s way b a n d ’s bassist. After Sum41’s collabo- Folds and an odd sense of humor like Light, White Heat of saying there’s no way it’ll happen, ration with punk rock forefather Iggy him, too. Is Terry taking Aqueduct too While VU and Nico always gets on although it is likely that the band will Pop on “Little Know It All” for his 2003 s e r i o u s l y, has Seattle turned the native best-album lists, I think W LWH is much spend their fifteen minutes together on- album, The Operation MD’s proto-punk Oklahoman into an elitist? I hope not, more influential. The eighteen-minute stage at the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame influences become apparent on the more but at least Or Give Me Death s t i l l f u z z y - g u i t a r-and-feedback-fest that is induction. So was David Lee Roth frenzied stripped-down tracks. T h e i r sounds good, and the well-crafted pop “Sister Ray” opened doors for entire upset about Eddie Van Halen’s fifteen- MySpace refers to the style as a “blend hooks will get me re-listening happily genres, from shoegaze to noise, to come. y e a r-old son joining on bass? I can only of street-indie and pop. It's like T h e for a while before I get sick of it. speculate, so that’s kind of a stupid Violent Femmes getting beaten up by Kicking off with “Lying In The Bed Public Enemy – Fear of a Black q u e s t i o n . The Hives and making friends with To m I’ve Made” the album sounds inconspic- P l a n e t After their brief performance at T h e P e t t y.” While the stripped-down power- uously similar to I Sold Gold. “Living A If I’m in the right mood, I will hail Grammy Awards, The Police have chords make for an apt comparison to Lie” takes a much harder-rocking (com- this as one of the greatest albums of all begun selling tickets for a two-month- The Hives, I think the other two com- p a r a t i v e l y, that is) approach matched up time, and undisputably hip-hop’s great- plus summer reunion tour. The group parisons are a little bit wishful name- with a blippy synth melody and the oh- est ever. With hard-hitting attacks on will be headlining the Bonnaroo dropping. so-clever hook, “it’s not living a lie/if racist institution and the media’s recep- Festival in Tennessee and has confirmed S u m 4 1 ’s bassist Cone McAskin got you’re not living at all.” On “Split T h e tion of the group, Chuck D and Flava two dates in New York; August 1st and together to work on a side-project with D i fference” we get a fast-paced swing- Flav had a classic. 3rd at Madison Square Garden. Genesis Juliette And The Licks’ guitarist To d d ing tune complete with horns set against is also getting back together, apparently Morse (a bar-band featuring more lyrics about troubles with a girl- Red Sparowes – Every Red Heart having bridged the gap between drum- actress/singer Juliette Lewis) at the friend. “Zero The Controls” has a bass- Shines To w a rds the Red Sun mer Phil Collins and vocalist Peter Warped Tour in 2001 and after more heavy special effects-laced beat, sound- You’d think it would be hard for a G a b r i e l . than five years, they’ve finally put the ing more like an all-out downtempo post-rock band to weave a concept In other break-up news, singer Chris album together. Of course, to go along electronica track than any piano rock album about Maoist China’s peasants’ Cornell has quit Audioslave. Citing cre- with their name and album title, the duo s o n g . e fforts to scare off pesky birds, only to ative and personal differences with the dress in white lab coats and stetho- The listener doesn’t get any of the see a plague of locusts destroy the crops rest of the band, he’s leaving just a few scopes, adopting the monikers of Dr. pop-culture humor that characterized I even more. But then again, Red months before his solo album is set to Dynamite (McCaskin) and Dr. Rocco Sold Gold until the third track, “Broken Sparowes have a way without words. hit stores. The rest of Audioslave is for- (Morse). Records” addresses a girl, singing “like merly of Rage Against The Machine, The better points of the album is a backwards hat, you better turn it Blues Explosion – Orange who are reuniting with their old singer when they unashamedly pull off sounds around.” However, “As You Wish” is I couldn’t think of more than a few Zach De La Rocha in April for one straight out of the proto-punk era of the like an overdose of comic genius and albums with orange in the name, but the s h o w. However, the A u d i o s l a v e early ‘70s, with the apparent first single almost makes up for the lack of refer- funk revival sound is worth dusting off breakup is fueling even more optimism “Sayonara” sounding like one of those ences in the rest of the album. Built every once in a while. amongst Rage fans that they’ll at least upbeat tracks that end up on the sound- almost entirely around quotes from ‘80s stick together a while for a tour and tracks to Madden video games. On the cult comedy The Princess Bride, Te r r y Grizzly Bear – Yellow House maybe even a new album. Personally, other hand, the acoustic and whiny turns the lines “please, I’m begging for Definitely one of my favorites from I’m hoping Cornell and Kim Thayil get “Someone Likes You” or the I’ve-heard- my life/your true love waits/you see I last year, Yellow House is a modern psy- Soundgarden back together, so it seems it-all-before anthem “To m o r r o w ’s must survive the night, sleep well/I’ll chedelic folk masterpiece. that the death of Audioslave revives Calling” sound like they belong on, probably kill you in the morning” plenty of hope in other facets. well, an uninspired modern pop-punk becomes an upbeat chorus, and I can’t Creedence Clearwater Revival – And in a stunning development of album. A few of the tracks are worth get this song out of my head, in a good G reen River what is possibly the most-delayed putting on a mix for your car, but as a w a y. John Fogerty is one of the greatest album in rock history, Guns N’ R o s e s whole, the album isn’t that exciting. On “Wasted Energy” everything American songwriters and this is a Chinese Democracy has been delayed Supposedly they had almost enough seems so lazily-arranged, and then when southern rock masterpiece, and that’s all again. The March 6th release date has material for two full discs, so maybe a I stop and think about it, it all just clicks I’ve got to say. been pushed back to an unknown, follow-up will feature more of the and I realize why I loved Aqueduct so though Axl swears that the recording is garage rock style. much a couple of years ago. And when Weezer – The Blue A l b u m finished. Yeah, right. I’ll be waiting. the albums ends on “With Friends Like To make it easier on myself, I dis- Aqueduct – Or Give Me Death These”, it feels kind of like crossing the qualified those which contained “blues” The Operation MD – (Barsuk Records, 02/20/07) finish line in a long race. It’s definitely and not blue. But The Blue Album was We Have An Emergency Who doesn’t love soft-electronica not as good as I Sold Gold, but it’s an a high point for alternative rock, back in (Aquarius Records, 02/20/07) indie pop? Despite A q u e d u c t ’s similar- earnest effort by David Terry and the ‘90s when Weezer was still good. So have we had enough garage rock ity to The Postal Service, David Te r r y f r i e n d s . revival yet? With their long-awaited We never quite took off like Ben Gibbard P r i n c e – Purple Rain Have An Emerg e n c y , The Operation MD did. Te r r y ’s latest album from what The Best Color-Coded Albums of I mean, I could’ve picked Cam’ron, puts forth a fun high-energy album that started as a do-it-yourself bedroom-pro- All Ti m e but Prince is a great guitarist and P u r p l e may not be groundbreaking, but it’s duced project grows more grandiose I’m kinda tired of repetitive lists of R a i n is pretty much a legend for autobi- rather well-done. I was listening to the with more instrumentation and more greatest albums or greatest songs, so I ographical music movies. www.thestonybrookpress.com 31 2 0

www.thestonybrookpress.com 32 Marilyn and Anna Nicole: An Analysis end and former husband of Monroe, Joe Di De Rerum Praeternaturalis m e r us est Thyonianus. By Laura Positano Maggio, who was a friend of my Uncle By Aleister Olswick Tam gratum est mihi quam ferunt puel - ______Rock. Drinking made her feel better; as ______lae pernici aureolum fuisse malum, quod they did for Anna Nicole, drinking and zonam soluit diu ligatam. Gooodbye Norma Jean…and A n n a pills made her feel better about herself, but Before there was time, there was T h e i r When time becomes Their time, when Nicole. after the buzz and the euphoria, she would time. Before there was mankind, T h e y Space becomes Their Space, when the As the Elton John song “Candle in the be an unpleasant person to be around. On walked the Earth. It was Their dominion. Dark Places we fear become the Wo r l d Wind” goes, “ You came out of the wood- The Anna Nicole Show, which was on the They were, They are, and They will be entire, we shall die. For death is certain work/Loneliness was tough/the toughest E! Entertainment channel (ironic because ever more. where They are concerned, save for the role you ever played/Hollywood created a seeing her drowning her sorrows and self- In the Dark places between Space, T h e y few who are blessed to live on in divine superstar/pain was the price you paid/Even loathing in beer wasn’t entertaining, it was dwell. Fear is irrelevant for They know it M a d n e s s . when you died/Oh the press still hounded troubling), Anna Nicole would many times not. They pity not. Lo be unto he who you/All the papers had to say/was that be shown inebriated. entereth Their Dark places. The South Marilyn was found you in the nude …” Marilyn was not a bimbo-she appreciat- Pole is Their home, as is the Plateau. T h e Marilyn Monroe and Anna Nicole ed literature and the theater. Anna Nicole Black Ooze is Their Enforcer, the Eye in Smith died young, with their candles burn- probably was not one either since she had the Galaxy Their Yellow-Robed King. ing way before their legends ever did, to the wisdom to profit from her scandal His Play will be performed, and paraphrase the famous song tribute to sheet fame of marrying a rich man in his Madness shall reign. His Madness, Marilyn Monroe. Both died of alleged eighties and getting embroiled in a legal unholy and divine, wild and tame, bloody drug overdoses, receiving much paparazzi battle for the inheritance. She also posed and virginal, shall envelop the world in coverage and focus on the mystery behind for Playboy, but her television show and preparation of His arrival. their deaths. her commercials for weight loss pills real- The Chanters shall awaken He who Marilyn and Anna Nicole have a great ly showed her business savvy. dwelleth beneath the Sea, when the Stars deal in common. Both came out of the Anna Nicole Smith needed love and align, when Their time begins again. T h e woodwork, coming from humble begin- attention, according to those close to her, Sign shall not be a Ward. Mortal words nings. Both appeared to the public eye as much like Marilyn. Perhaps the attention shall cease to keep Him at bay. T h e dumb blondes, sex toys for men to fanta- she received the last few weeks of her life Devourer shall feed, He shall dine, He size about; yet the two were smart busi- - the urgency of the paternity battle about shall sup, and we shall be His entrée, His nesswomen. Marilyn posed for the first who was the father of her new child being wine, His dessert. Playboy magazine when she was still played on CNN - made her sick of all the She who guards the Woods shall set Norma Jean Baker. She had an eye for self- fame. CNN considered that worthy of loose Her young upon our fields and promotion, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner more coverage than the escalating Iraq forests, their cloven Hooves ready to once said. Pretty soon, Marilyn was domi- War, that’s how crazy the press was about trample our sod and bring famine to our nating cinemas across the country and had her. After her death, the press speculated world. She shall be forever pregnant, the Their Madness. legions of fans. Some Like It Hot, about how she died and who will inherit Incubi and Succubi her ova and sperm. Sub narem, Deus dormet. Sed, cum Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, and other pop- her fortune, since her will didn’t name And the War shall begin. Ancient Gods stellae commodus sunt, is dormerat exci - ular films of the 1950s led her to become a anyone living as the inheritor. One won- shall battle each other. Blood shall fall terit, et is re g n a r i t . movie legend. ders if Anna Nicole will have the same from the skies like rain upon the desert, In medius stellarum, Deus custodiet. People did not take Marilyn seriously legacy as Marilyn, whose image is still on flooding blood, bloodying flood. Gods Cum is quo dormet exciterit, is quo cus - when she tried to take acting classes; she posters and handbags and whose films are shall destroy Gods as the remnants of Man todiet regnarit, et omnia abolendae sunt. was just a sex symbol who needed to keep still adored decades after her death. flee in holy, blissful, divine horror. Take heed, O Mortal Man, for They are her mouth shut in the back of the class in Marilyn and Anna Nicole, two smart dumb The Eye shall watch, inciting His mad- coming, and Time, true Time, is T h e i r the eyes of those prejudiced against her. blondes. Both are tragic figures, about ness, on those blessed to survive T h e i r Servant. Our time, subjective, relative, is Marilyn was very insecure; she needed whom people still talked after their deaths onslaught. Horror and its glorious borrowed. The clock ticks towards T h e i r constant love, attention, and security, and wanted to know more than the press screams shall be Their chorus. long-planned return to proper rule. according to the late Yankees baseball leg- could give. The Fish-men shall be the footsoldiers, The Mad One wrote his Book, the breeding with their bite, infecting their whispers of the djinn, the whispers of the D N A into the blessed survivors, serving wind, in blood. Those who gaze upon the under He who shall rise. Void that is its pages see the Void gaze at Cors non pulsare, sed in timere . them, causing Their divine Madness. Wo e Oculus non videt, sed in timere. Insania be unto He who gazeth at the Book with- regnanda est, et omnia abolescandae sunt. out taking Heed. The Book is written in D e s p e ro regnanda est. Despero sunt. blood, and on blood it feeds. It is written Omnia desperent, quod despero non for Them, by Them, through the Mad One. v i t e ru n t . He was their Servant, blessed with T h e i r Fast, pray, seek salvation. It will not Madness, and now he has joined T h e i r help. They shall reign again. n u m b e r, as a Fish-man, as a djinn, as a It has been written, and it shall be. spirit. His form we know not. But his They have been waiting, and Their wait is words, in blood wrote, holy and unholy, all but over. sane and mad, bloody and virginal, live Minister vetuli puer Falerni, inger mi o n . calices amariores, ut lex Postumiae iubet Take heed, Mankind, for the stars are magistrae ebrioso acino ebriosioris. at aligning. The frogstar is nearing Ve n u s , vos quo lubet hinc abite, lymphae, vini and the Eye has swallowed A l d e r a n . pernicies, et ad severos migrate. hic In Their Name. Ia! A.*.A.*. Ia! www.thestonybrookpress.com 33 At The Eastern Shore s themselves of the appointed governors of gift. Kierkegaard had written many years rational consequence to a historical epoch By Miguel Sanchez the last Imperial nations; no longer would back what the role of the One is-some have not capable of following the trend it is for- ______they be subsumed by colonial aspirations. chosen to just ignore him. It speaks funda- saking. It is when heads of states, the To the eastern shores of Normandy, to In consequence, transferring authority mentally well, as to what the next phase of minority classes, and the majority popula- the isles of Tripoli, to the brooks of to a radical party would sustain the development will be. tion panic, and are lead towards their own Somerset County, there stands on our prospects of success in their revolution, For here Abraham knew no reasons why inhibitions to counteract one another, in shoulder the choice that must be made. and sustain enough power to become the his God would ask him to sacrifice his almost like a chess game, only this time it Here is a question, but of Empire, and the vanguard party of their own prospective only son Isaac. Indeed Abraham pon- is but stalemate that is reached. The stale- subsequent other that stands as the future nations. They copy and mimic the very dered, he had been asked by this God to mate has far reaching consequence for all for man and about man. strategies and control mechanisms that are partake in this task willingly, because after sides, as democracy inherently comes to a For this choice, which harbors in itself practiced in the last authoritarian and pol- all Abraham understood what his role was. halt. In consequence, the whole social the consequence of returning the global yarchy states. He was not there to contradict, or take mat- order implodes, classes fight, and humani- network to its original configuration or The other, it makes no difference what- ters into his own hands. He had to follow ty is gripped with economic insecurity and even more, has in itself become a travesty. soever as to what the leaders of the five a calling, a calling from an intelligence m a l i c e . The last remaining empires of the globe; remaining Empires say is the goodness of that stood in the forefront of history, and For here the chaotic system may not the five nations whose strategic ambition their actions; call it humanitarian interven- for one, he is the deity, the historical con- even have regularity, as some economists to gain access to the worlds most valuable tion, pre-emptive action, or participatory scious that would bestow upon Abraham a and mathematicians may claim. There is c o m m o d i t y, has sent itself astray. T h e y ’ r e attacks. For here, what does make a diff e r- c o n t r a d i c t i o n . no predictability that can sustain a higher perplexed by why history is never on their ence is the value in which these parliamen- As Abraham took Isaac to the mountain, definition of regularity and repetition. T h e side. t a r y, Republican, and authoritarian states he could not bear what he had to funda- only regularity that could be accounted for For the other stands towards our side, claim is their vigilance and altruism. Little mentally do. In fact Kierkegaard envisions is the continual resurgence of autoimmuni- asking why one has refused to look the altruism can be shown to be even the case, many possibilities. All would end in subse- ty as a strain that infects the polyarchy, other way. The other who has stood won- as Stalingrad became Falluja, as Chechnya quent failure. The calculation was emerg- authoritarian, and parliamentary states. dering why the human race continues to became the Balkans. ing to a point, that there could be no repe- This could be in consequence the shatter- perceive itself as the arbiters of history: as All this has a reciprocal effect; one tition. Since that was the case, A b r a h a m ing and tearing apart of the entire global those who control and manipulate the inherently reflects the other. Whenever the gripped with sorrow, and anger. A sense of social order. trends. Marx, who wrote about man’s his- species decides that they alone are granted fear struck Isaac. He begged to be per- For here the One must make a choice, it torical development, creates a simple illu- the right and authority to change history, ceived as the bad father, since after all, he is a choice whether to follow its own role sion that man is in control of the historic history throws it back at them a hundred loved Isaac. He did want to be regarded as in the historical process. For the anti- trend. That man is the principle vanguard fold as if there were, truly a subjective the good father that he was. A b r a h a m Christ role is not also to conquer and rule of history. He is in control of its own des- consequence to it all. As though there would be struck with grief in the end. as well, it is to prevent the One from mak- tiny and fate. This simple idea, though were truly an intelligence that looked after The model here can be the same for all ing the right choice. It is to keep the One having some merit, excludes the personnel and searches for the time when the One nations and states, for all republics and situated in confusion and utter disharmony. responsibility that once was the corner- will not try to defeat or take history as its parliamentary systems. They can make a To rest assure the One that, “all is well in stone of intellectual thought in French o w n . choice to differ or defer from histories’ the days of the coming.” Please him, sex- m o d e r n i t y. But rather, what is the role of the One commands, but the possibilities will utter- ualize him, and make him a tool to be used Man is only in control of himself: he is who is to say no more to the foolishness ly lead to catastrophe. The prime reason by the tempest. For anti-Christ will claim not in control; hold private access; take as and catastrophe that has befallen and kept would be that history would never agree, he is the historical development, he is the his own, history. History or its trends par- the world in utter chaos. When ego-mania, and subsequently the contradiction would O t h e r. Humanity will listen and follow, take its own path, and man must either fol- and self-centeredness ruling the vanguard get worse. There is the risk of autoimmu- they will be lead astray to the grandest lie low it or be consumed by it. He can be parties of those who claim Enlightenment nity that Derrida had spoken about in humanities ever been told. lead towards it, or lead away towards mad- and Critical T h e o r y, have consumed the depth in R o g u e, for autoimmunity is the The last temptation of Christ, Moses, ness. History does not and cannot revel republics and empires with good intents, contradiction striving for a solution to the and even Abraham have been the very case over man’s ambitions. The trends that state-capitalism, and colonial mastership? equation. The last Imperial states and their of such consequence. For the One must make up the historical development of past What does one mean by all that? vanguard institutions, permit themselves sacrifice all that ever mattered to him: for and future socio-economic systems, is That the subsequent next phase of his- to act in the best interest of democracies, Christ it was Mary Magdalene, for Moses only its own conscious element. One is an torical development cannot, should not, while at the same time lowering the degree it was the comforts of the simple life, and existential criteria, the other is a trend, the and will not be in terms of what the ruling which democracy is realizable. for Abraham it was his one and only son. One inherently reflects the Other. and intellectual institutions want it to be; The contradiction would get worse, The sacrifice actualizes the very under- There are those who say that history for any kind of institution whatsoever. since the repetition would be continuous. pinnings of what the One must do. He agrees with their idea of a Messianic Man is historically powerless, meager, As though there were no end in sight, the must necessarily sacrifice those things that Vision, that Japan and Germany have and fallible. more the public panics with continual mean life to them, and in many ways the achieved democracy, just as Iraq and the That the role of the One is not to defeat aggression and participatory attacks; with Other stands poise to persecute them for it. entire Middle East could one day achieve the Other. He is not to destroy history or more terrorism and catastrophic blow- The anti-Christ, on the other-hand, will as well. make history his own. The One is not to backs, the situation feeds into the rational seek to prevent this, he will seek to keep One finds such comments a bit perplex- claim soul sovereignty over man, as contradiction of autoimmunity. This makes the One from doing what the one is to nec- ing, for one Iraq and the Middle East many though he were the enlightened one (since it even more intolerable towards history, essarily do, and that is give up what they decades ago tried to achieve democracy, t h a t ’s been tried before). The One cannot and what befalls it, is its own immediate find to be their object of comfort. The One and since these regions are thought to hold preside as the soul jurisdiction of man over downfall. necessarily must overcome this barrier, the most valuable commodities in the man. For here is the path that one must Rousseau calculated the extent in which and throughout history they have. world. The last Imperial nations sought to take, that the human race as a collective logos would consume man, and be led only As Abraham wraps Isaac in rope, ready interfere and tamper with the possibility of body has to make. to more despotism. For here logos works to pierce his knife through Isaac’s flesh, even achieving any remnant of democracy. It is a level that suspends the ethical, well on both sides, it is the contradiction there is a sense of lamentation. The con- For this, the population subsumed with where madness could arise but if one pass- that is most logical in itself. tradiction is too painful to bear, as autoim- a n g e r, hatred, and fear; attacked, and rid es the test, then clarity can become a true Autoimmunity is perhaps the most Continued on next page www.thestonybrookpress.com 34 Continued from previous page ed, sacrificed, fed to the Gods that created democracy is, in other cultural and social it. Democracy is to be auto-immunized by systems unlike the West, unlike the East, munity is to overwhelming to take. the very social and political structure that and the Southern regions of the world. E v i d e n t l y, Abraham must take this path, started it. Here, one can say that the historical trend since there is no Other that can do it for There are some that argue that demo- fits well with what the task of the One is to him. Before Abraham could pierce Isaac’s cratic socialism cannot exist without the be, what his role is according to the basic chest with his knife, there is a reason that first affirming its existence within strategy that will be led by it. is born. In all certainty Christ’s resurrec- Marxism. The Hegel dialect exists The task of the One is to be led towards tion, Moses’ Ten Commandments were all throughout Marxism, as the existential the rough path of having to come to terms reasons in cultural mythology as to why dichotomy that cannot be superseded. with its own powerlessness. History is things turned the way they did, why events Both Heidegger and Sartre, two distin- calling all the shots, and he is to be led unfolded so epically, and came to be guished philosophers of the 20th century towards it or be consumed by it. Since man u n d e r s t o o d . spoke of the other as Being and as Being, as a whole always seeks to be led away For here, in the modern era, the role of spoke of man as Desein. For here it must from madness, since the collective body the One is not significantly just one against be contended, that Marxism has reached an always ask to be led towards the clearer the Other. The level of participation impasse, a sort of limitation that cannot be picture, towards the truer identity of the unfolds all over the globe, as a collective superseded, even if democracy were some- self; hence there is no either way. The One agent. But one realizes that autoimmunity how to be affirmed (with respect to Dick must follow towards the path, towards the exist as the sacrificial lamb that is in terms Howard and his Specters of Democracy). sacrificial chambers that the One once of Derrida incalculable. Its resolution I grant that democracy is a virtue with avoided and condemned, “Why have you requires an act of faith that is but a choice many human qualities that give it an forsaken me, father?” to be made by all of humanity as a collec- axiomatic scope. It is an axiomatic scope The contradiction becomes resolved tive body. The significant Other stands that could inherently strengthen the when the dichotomy is let loose from its independently of man’s choices, it is not to prospects and future of democratic social- imprisonment, when madness is no longer be negotiated or found a truce in. The One ism, but in the form of a vanguard person- localized in its prison chambers (see also: must inherently reflex the Other. ality that risks subsuming it into further Foucault, A H i s t o ry of Madness) and can But as the autoimmunity should stand as o b s c u r i t y. Only entails the following: that be set free. In other words, as autoimmu- the contradiction from which the One will democracy as defined today cannot be nity is allowed to be set free, when the sac- only be able to resolve, the resolution democracy defined tomorrow, democracy rificial lamb is to be pierced with the knife, comes with the conviction to let go of the as one sees it, as created in all its forms there is in consequence a release of the very things that man as a whole takes for from Kant’s proclamation of sudden contradiction that took hold. T h e granted. The One really inherently reflects Enlightenment to Hegel’s truth of romantic implosion occurs only where there is to be the Other by allowing the conclusion idealism. It only entails that democracy at subsequent explosion. The Empires of the become only the beginning; by ending the its present form leads to the very contra- last remaining nations collapse in an utter repetition that once caught it off guard. diction that could inevitably, if applied to implosion that allows the intelligence There is an end to all things, there is a Marxism, create greater obscurity and fail- time, before the lamb is to be sacrificed finishing line to the turmoil and catastro- ure. This creates a risk and failure that before the wolves are to take hold, to phe that species has put themselves in. It were frequent throughout the world’s last impart its gift upon the world, a higher begins where it must end, it ends only remaining saving graces. Democracies are order reason embedded within the trends where it must finally let go of all calcula- inherently differed and defer; inherently of history. A dichotomy no longer local- bility and repetition of events, and let his- without attainability; aspire for but without ized at a hierarchal level, but the reason of tory unfold; and takes course among the being approachable to a feasible limit or choice, or “the gift of choice.” There is stars and galaxies that surround it. No bet- c o n v e rg e n c e . freedom to choose and make due as to ter cure can be found in the testimony that Those who claim democratic socialism what those choices should be, which can in the end, democracy in all its present in England, the so-called labor party of the be understood to be precedent that sets form must slowly unfold and be reborn now debunked and unpopular Prime humanity as a whole to stand side-by-side like a “phoenix” out of the string of the M i n i s t e r, have failed to realize their failure with the other, and not face-to-face with spiderwebs that created it. The cocoon in all of this. There are catastrophic conse- him (see also: Jacques Derrida, Wr i t i n g that lies dormant, as one can only see in quences to putting names and signatures and Differe n c e) . Humanism and essence standing still, must into things that have very little value and The clear transformation that occurs at necessarily be reborn to give way to a net- s e n s e . this level is the foundation for the future’s work of power structures and communities To presume that Marxism is in need of sake. What is found is no longer lost, and (see also: The Political Philosophy of t o d a y ’s standards of democracy: is to pre- what once was lost, is now found. T h e P o s t s t ructuralist A n a rc h i s m). It grows and sume the obvious mistake that there really species must now look to the future and no flourishes without the contradiction taking does exist a higher signification. That is to longer be perplexed by the Other, but be its hold. say that man has easily defined what comforted by the opening and unraveling How these events should unfold, is not democracy is, and now is only capable of of history towards the end and towards the for one to answer. The One never has nei- applying it elsewhere, as others have tried new beginning that is must have. For a ther an answer as to what should happen to do in the past. species to deny that, would necessarily dis- before or after. The One is necessarily led Indeed in fact, democracy has no higher pel what it wants to begin with. It wants to in a river towards the final unfolding. signification, it has no sense of a higher see clearly what was it was blinded from Events, histories, and effects necessarily order to it. In reality, democracy is a set of before, and that is the bigger picture, the transpire as a consequence of his unfold- a whole group of signifiers converg i n g ; reality that was once taken from it. ing, but never as a cause. localizing; referring back to other signi- Here that picture has unraveled and one The One must necessarily be persecut- fiers. There are other standards of what leaves the rest to history. www.thestonybrookpress.com 35 Acne and Accutane: Wro n g abuses I could imagine. Bayer was about it. But for the sake of time, I won't. taloupe, the herb astragalus, peas, and a D e c i s i o n caught selling HIV-infected drugs to for- You should also know that birth control couple others. Being vegan and being By Matthew Rammelkamp eign countries, Pfizer was caught doing pills are also terrible for you - just think a l l e r gic to soy and the two main nuts has ______clinical studies for their experimental about how unnatural it is! Read really been an inconvenience. I have real- "Acne is a terrible problem. I know drugs on Africans without their knowl- h t t p : / / w w w. m e r c o l a . c o m / 2 0 0 4 / j u n / 1 2 / c o ly bad flatulence when I eat these foods this first-hand as I suffered with it for edge, and GlaxoSmithKline was testing ntraception_facts.htm to read about birth and my breath smells terrible all the time over 20 years. It wasn't until I studied their experimental AIDS drugs on not control drugs and alternatives. Maybe I’ll (the smell comes from the gut). I have an natural medicine carefully that I realized only guinea pigs and primates, but human write another article on it. For now, I’ll o v e rgr owth of bad intestinal bacteria and there is a virtual surefire solution for babies in New York City’s orphanages. focus on my arch nemesis: Accutane. By I have spent hundreds of dollars on pro- acne that does not involve any medica- There is a Hollywood movie called T h e the time you’re done, my hope is that you biotic supplements to try to counteract tions at all." Constant Gardener about the Pfizer deba- will believe it is terrible and you should the years of taking antibiotics. I would - Dr. Mercola www.mercola.com cle; you can get the movie at the public throw out the pills right now and never like to take this time to thank Roche (the When I was in high school, I had pret- library or Blockbuster. There is a roman- get another prescription. I know I am not manufacturers of Accutane), as well as ty bad acne. I was joyous when my mom tic comedy directed by an ex-pharmaceu- a doctor; but neither are you – probably. my mom, the dermatologist, and the drug thought it was worth going to the derma- tical sales rep to try to alert the public of Doctors used to promote cigarettes so reps who push their drugs on doctors. tologist to treat it. I took whatever drug the deceptive marketing practices your excuse for not taking what I say Thank you for making me have really bad was prescribed. We tried one thing, then involved in pharmaceutical companies, with accuracy is silly. You can go to any gas every time I have tofu “chicken” or the next, and eventually I went on called Side Effects. It’s because of them Naturopathic Physician and they will peanut butter sandwiches. I’d also like to Accutane. I now look back, and realize putting profits before patient safety that back up what I am saying here. NDs actu- take the time to criticize groups who are that I wish someone would have inter- doctors were lied to and told by reps that ally go through the equivalent of conven- against cosmetic animal testing but not vened and given me another solution. Vioxx was more effective than other tional medical school, then “unlearned” pharmaceuticals. Because of you, I When I was that young, I thought I was painkillers on the market. It wasn’t. It in a sense, and are taught why toxic drugs remained ignorant of alternatives to educated and up to date with most issues was also was a lot more dangerous and and cutting open people is not the best drugs like Accutane throughout my ado- in the world. However, no one in the pro- 100,000 Americans are now dead due to way to help them. They are taught all the lescent years. Thank you to anyone in the gressive political arena was talking about its use. alternatives and then some. They are progressive arena who did not think that how to take care of oneself. I was The combined track record of all these taught up to date information that is just health and wellness is an important social unaware that prescription or over the practices compelled me to forgo an A d v i l coming out now – new paradigms for justice issue. Yes, I am being sarcastic. counter drugs were made by big, bad cor- when I had a headache, and left me com- how we look at nutrition, prevention, and The manufacturers of A c c u t a n e , porations, or that they were toxic chemi- pletely open and I began to search for a holistic medicine. So, my point is that Roche, are being sued in hundreds of cals and potentially deadly, just like the way that it could be possible to complete- NDs get more schooling than MDs and class-action suits for their drug increas- environmental toxins I became an activist ly boycott pharmaceutical companies and they will back up what I am saying. ing suicide risk. Just do a goodsearch for o v e r. I never knew that these drugs cause never have to give them a dime of my Here is what you need to know about "Accutane lawsuits" yourself! This com- cancer and other diseases, just like the hard earned money for the rest of my life. Accutane. Accutane is an antibiotic. pany was also fined a record $500 mil- toxins in the drinking water I was so con- At first I didn’t think it was possible. I What antibiotics do is kill bacteria. In lion for their Trust violations - the larg e s t cerned about. saw an infomercial on T V once that real- doing this, they do not discriminate. T h i s fine for a corporation in history! And this From being an environmentalist, I dis- ly changed my life. I bought the book, means they also kill beneficial bacteria was even a settlement! covered vegetarianism. This directed me read it front to back in two days and have like the critical kind that lives in your Roche, like all pharmaceutical compa- toward animal welfare and the concept of been researching information, products, gut. These “good” bacteria help you nies, also torture and kill bunnies, pup- animal rights. Eventually I learned about and websites from the book ever since. digest food properly, help your body pies, and marmoset monkeys in experi- animal testing. As groups like People for There is a lot of information out there absorb and make the most of the nutrients ments. You trust a company like this to The Ethical Treatment of A n i m a l s every day, my research is continuously in the food you eat, and they provide treat your acne in the best way possible? ( P E TA) and others would criticize animal o n g o i n g . other vital functions for health mainte- They do not care about you or your tests for household products or cosmet- Six years after my acne, I have now nance. If you have an unhealthy gut, health; they want you to take a pill every ics, they did not discuss or criticize the obtained more knowledge about how the symptoms will spur up all over the body day for as long as possible so they make topic of pharmaceutical testing of drugs body heals itself, what causes disease, and you will undoubtedly have an money off of you every day. That is their on animals. and how to prevent sickness than I ever unhealthy body. Taking antibiotics, espe- one sole legal obligation [see the movie Through some more radical groups, I knew about environmentalism, animal cially long term, will lead to digestive The Corporation which explains corpora- learned that these companies were not welfare, or any other issue that has ever problems. Here’s where I come in – since t i o n s ’ legal rights]. In fact, drugs like doing a public service to help society. concerned me. Yet there is so much to taking Accutane, I have developed the Accutane or antidepressants prescribed to They were researching drugs that they k n o w. I at least have honest, trustful worst digestive problems that have teens are both great for them because could make the most money off of resources at my disposal to check and caused me lots of money, embarrassment, they really want to get you hooked while instead of ones that would help the most that I can rely upon to give me informa- and inconvenience. you’re young. Then, when the toxins in amounts of people. They were making tion that I need. My friends and family on In addition, antibiotic use may also those drugs build up in your system over drugs for a few cents a pill and charg i n g occasion get sick or have a condition and cause yeast overgrowth and candidiasis. time, you’ll get some other health condi- hundreds of dollars for them. They were ask me “I need the natural cures for _.” Scientists who have alternative theories tion that will lead to you being prescribed denying apparently “life-saving” medica- So I look it up for them. I was recently on the cause of AIDS even claim that more and more drugs. It’s a snowball tions to those in the third-world who told by my ex-girlfriend that her sister is long-term antibiotic use causes autoim- e ff e c t . needed it – due to patent disputes. T h e y on the acne drug Accutane. Because she mune deficiency (AIDS), because antibi- Taking an antibiotic long-term to treat were delaying the introduction of new is female, they also have to put her on otics are immune-suppressant. A c c u t a n e acne may work over time, but it is surely AIDS medications until the stocks of the birth control because Accutane would increases suicide risk and shuts down not treating the cause. And the side- old, less effective ones, were sold. T h e y cause a severely deformed baby if preg- frontal brain activity. Accutane increases e ffects? Just look at what it says on the were not only using millions of animals nancy occurred. During my hours of risk for inflammatory bowel disease - a package! Look at the animal tests! Look in experiments, but those experiments research, I came to the realization that a digestive problem - big surprise! how many animals died of cancer in the were not carried out properly. Scientific health problem that I am now suff e r i n g I took Accutane for at least an entire studies. It has warnings that it causes procedure and protocol were broken reg- with is most likely a direct result of my y e a r, maybe two. I am convinced it was birth defects in humans which is why u l a r l y, and approved by management. I Accutane use. because of Accutane that I now devel- they make you go on birth control as learned that data is often falsified to try There is a lot of information I can tell oped all my digestive problems. I have well! Do you think that it is good for you to get results that will help market the you about how bad Accutane is, or the been tested by a clinical laboratory for to swallow two chemical pills every day? drugs. corruption involved in getting A c c u t a n e these problems and have found out the The toxic buildup from the synthetically These companies were also commit- on the market. In fact, nothing would following. I am allergic to soy, peanuts, ting some of the worst human rights please me more than to write a book mustard, almonds, corn, cashews, can- Continued on next page www.thestonybrookpress.com 36 Continued from previous page s t u ff. This is probably the cheapest way d a i r y, wheat, and soy. ably caused” depression and other psy- to get your daily omega 3's, but especial- 4. Stress worsens every disease. It is chiatric illnesses in some patients, manufactured drug will harm your liver ly since you are deficient, I would highly great to have a good tool to deal with according to the court file summary of over time and some of your other org a n s suggest investing in some flax oil and stress when you encounter it. You can not his deposition. - forcing you to go on more prescription building up your stores of EFA's. A l s o , control all the stresses in your life, but According to the summary of drugs soon in life. By the time you’re consider supplementing with DHA, an you can control the ways you deal with Zabrowski's deposition testimony, f i f t y, you'll be on a few dozen drugs omega 3 fatty acid found in marine algae stress. Yoga, meditation, getting good S c h i fferdecker wrote a report recom- every day. It is a snowball effect; you’re that fish eat, and usually only found in quality sleep mending changes in Accutane's U.S. rolling down the hill towards toxic obliv- fish. Go to one of the online vegan shop- ( h t t p : / / w w w. m e r c o l a . c o m / a r t i c l e / s l e e p . h t label and core data sheet, the internal ion and you won't be able to slow down ping stores (veganstore.com) to find m), or using an acupressure technique company document used by Roche to until you hit a tree. But you can grab hold them. DHA helps build brain and eye tis- called Emotional Freedom Te c h n i q u e s ensure consistency of the firm's products of the ski lift and fly across the mountain sue as well. It is not necessary to take this (or EFT), which is best taught in person worldwide. to good health and avoid hitting any forever - but it is a very smart idea to buy by someone training in it (me). Or you ? Legal summaries of depositions by trees...only if you choose. The earlier you a bottle of this and use it up so at least can train yourself by downloading a free Roche's global head of drug regulatory make this life-transforming decision, the you will restore your levels to healthy manual and order some DVDs to teach a ffairs, Daniel Zabrowski, as well as happier and healthier you will be and the normal levels. Unfortunately, if this is the you the basics – see www. e m o f r e e . c o m . other Roche officials, show that a compa- less money you will spend on medical cause of your acne, it will take a while to These are the basics. There are some ny doctor, Peter Schiff e r d e c k e r, who bills or supplements. In China, doctors cure because it takes time for your EFA other essential oils, herbal teas, and such studied the drug’s links to depression at get paid only when their patients are levels to go back to normal. It could take that may help with all this. There are a the Corporate headquarters in h e a l t h y. They have true health-care. In up to a year which is why everyone few different sites giving all the known Switzerland in 1997, recommended that America, we have a sick-care industry. should make sure they are getting proper natural remedies or cures out there – one Accutane's U.S. label warn users “should Here are what I found are the natural nutrition and enough EFA’s even if they of them is www.naturalcures.com the be supervised for signs of depression dur- cures for Acne. If possible, find a have no symptoms (like acne) yet. other is www.curezone.com. It could not ing therapy and, if necessary, referred for licensed naturopathic practicioner in 2. Dr. Mercola says that the key to hurt to do some of the other things listed appropriate treatment.” your area and go see him/her. They are controlling acne is to optimize your on these sites. ? Zabrowski testified that Roche's trained in the field and can take your bio- insulin levels. Eliminate sugars and high- The politricks involved with A c c u t a n e marketing division was worried the mon- logical individualism into account when glycemic grains (potatoes, white rice, and the scummy manufacturer: itoring warning on Accutane's U.S. label assessing getting to the root cause of your white bread, white pasta, chips, white Accutane is Roche’s number one sell- could hurt sales. Medical consultants in a c n e . flour waffles/pancakes) from your diet in ing product, with an estimated 5 million the marketing department revised But, here are some of my recommen- place of whole grains and natural sweet- Americans using the acne medication S c h i f ferdecker's report to remove the ref- dations; in order of what I think would be eners. Agave Nectar is a low glycemic since 1982. erence to monitoring, which was then most useful. Try to do as many of these as sweetener that has the same consistency ? Accutane has been linked to at least sent to the FDA for approval possible because the cause is probably a as maple syrup/honey and is good to use 240 suicides ? Currently, Roche is the target of multitude of factors of not living a for baking or adding a little sweetness to ? The FDA concluded Roche had not about 70 lawsuits for allegations of healthy physical, emotional, and spiritual your whole grain oatmeal or quinoa, for acted in good faith when relating infor- adverse reactions because of A c c u t a n e . lifestyle. example. Avoid all sugar, high fructose mation regarding Accutane use in preg- P l a i n t i ffs claim Accutane adverse eff e c t s corn syrup, sucrose, etc. Do NOT r e p l a c e nant women. Roche knew about include suicides, depression, birth Natural Cures for A c n e : sugar with artificial sweeteners like in Accutane side effects while failing to defects and gastrointestinal injuries. 1. Start consuming essential fatty acids diet drinks (aspartame, NutraSweet, fully disclose the dangers to the FDA, ? Around 90% of all Accutane patients ( E FA's) daily; since acne may very well sucralose, Splenda, etc). Do not drink physicians, and patients. are considered to have mild acne and be a symptom of an omega-3 fatty acid pasteurized fruit juices - they are highg- ? Accutane causes severe birth defects should have been using an alternate treat- d e f i c i e n c y. Acne is caused by inflamma- lycemic too! Eat the whole fruit! Drink and even fetal death and the FDA c o n - ment. tion and Omega 3's are an inflammation- filtered water (preferably Pi “living” cluded Roche did not adequately commu- ? Roche was issued a warning letter fighting food. EFA's are available in fish, water)! No soda either! Drink water, nicate the dangers to women using after the FDA found the Accutane promo- but so are heavy metals like mercury that drink herbal tea. Watch out for soymilks Accutane. tional advertisements to contain “false can build up in women's bodies over too - all processed drinks are sweetened ? Roche knew about the birth defects and misleading” information. time, leading to brain damage and autism with some type of sugar. Even if it’s that could occur with Accutane and preg- ? At the December 11, 2002 House in their children. A safer bet is to con- o rganic sugar or natural "cane sugar," it nant women years before ever getting the Oversight and Investigation sume flax oil - a possible miracle cure for is still sugar and has the same affect on 1982 FDA approval. Despite this knowl- Subcommittee Hearing on Safety Issues breast cancer by the way - you can get a your insulin levels! Read the ingredients edge, the FDA and Roche SMART p r o- Relating to Accutane, Congressman Peter bottle in the health food store refrigerat- of everything you eat for a month or two gram aimed at preventing fetal death and Deutsch told Roche North A m e r i c a n ed section, or buy flax oil supplements until you are familiar with products! birth defects in women using A c c u t a n e president and CEO, George A b e r c r o m b i e online, as well as in the vitamin section Note: Even organic and whole wheat was not implemented until 2000. T h e that, “what you just said is not a truthful of any grocery store (but be careful for grains may trigger acne. Try eating a lot S M A RT program was developed only statement” when he claimed the company sketchy fillers). I use flax oil on my oat- less grains and see if your acne gets bet- after a 1998 FDA memo recommended did try to make consumers aware that meal, cold cereal, as salad dressing, or t e r. Keep a journal/log to keep track. “active consideration of removal of Accutane is specifically intended to treat conceivable in just about any dish you Consider trying a no grain diet for a Accutane from the market.” severe acne. make or prepare. It has a creamy nutty month to see if that helps. Dr. Mercola is ? Now Accutane is also linked to an This just shows how corrupt the gov- flavor and can be spooned or put in any famous for a book entitled The No Grain increased occurrence of inflammatory ernment (FDA) really is and how they are beverage (soymilk, juice). You can not Diet; check out this article on his web- bowel disease and lupus not here to protect your health. And what heat flax oil but can put it on hot foods. site: "No Grain Diet Cures up Acne" - ? Roche disregarded its internal doc- a poor job our current elected leaders do Take one to two tablespoons every day, h t t p : / / w w w. m e r c o l a . c o m / 2 0 0 3 / a u g / 2 3 / a c tor's recommendation for users of the at protecting the public they serve. T h e r e or more for those with serious omega 3 ne.htm drug to be monitored for signs of depres- are a few great films that will be screened deficiencies. Another cheaper, yet less 3. Certain food allergies could cause sion and a warning indicating this info is this semester about drug safety and Big absorbable source of daily omega 3's is acne. Use rotation diet by eliminating added to the label because “such Pharma corruption, so keep your eyes flaxseeds - but they have to be ground common allergic foods from your diet for Accutane warnings could cost the firm peeled for neon flyers and go check them otherwise they just pass right through a month and see if your acne clears up sales or prompt lawsuits.” out. I would love to hear any comments, you. You can add ground flaxseeds to s i g n i f i c a n t l y. Then start reintroducing ? Roche's global head of drug safety, particularly if any of this has touched anything. Yes, anything! Just sprinkle a foods back one at a time. Keep a journal Martin Huber, testified in a pretrial depo- you. To contact me, email: veganmat- tablespoon on top of every meal you eat - of how bad your acne is and everything sition for a Florida case that the firm's [email protected] , or myspace.com/fight- its only two dollars for a pound of this you eat. Common food allergens are internal analysis showed Accutane “prob- b i g p h a r m a . www.thestonybrookpress.com 37 www.thestonybrookpress.com 38 Battle of the Century Enduring F reedom Statesman Patriot Alliance P R O S -Saves money by not -Only comes out Pick-Up Lines buying red pens once a month -David Bouklas ≠ 10 I Know Robert Romano ... -No office next door James Bouklas -Spends entire budg- -No Romanos et on rubber masks So baby, how conservative -Will James = Hunky -Robert R’s fiction 9 are you ... in bed? -Articulate, clean- gives hack writers cut, and a good look- something to look ing guy down on 8 I’ve got a Freedom Tower in my pants -The Press wouldn’t -Someone needs to have been created if find southerners Hey baby, you must be from Guantanamo they didn’t suck so sexy 7 B a y, cause I wanna hold you indefinitely bad -It’s a joke, right?

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