Views on Foster Care and Adoption in North Carolina
Novemberfostering 2008 • Vol. 13, No. 1 perspectives www.fosteringperspectives.org Sponsored by the NC Division of Social Services and the Family and Children’s Resource Program North Carolina needs foster families for teens Earlier this year the North Unused Homes A Teen’s Perspective Carolina Division of Social The desire for additional homes Services surveyed public child for teens makes more sense if In our most recent writing contest we asked young people what they thought welfare agencies in our state one understands that not every about the fact that some teens live in group homes simply because there aren’t about recruiting and retaining foster family in North Carolina enough foster families that will take teens. We also asked what they thought foster parents. Sixty-eight of is currently being used. would change the minds of these reluctant families. Here’s the winning entry. North Carolina’s 100 county This is something we have in departments of social services common with other states. For My name is Ariel, but most people call me I’m young, responded. example, in her study of Ari. I’m 16 years old and I’m proud to say I’m 1 talented, smart, One of the chief concerns they administrative data on use of going to be a senior this year. [Although I’m in foster care] I’m a regular and sweet. So raised was the shortage of foster foster homes in Oregon, teenager. I have lots of friends who are in foster homes for teens. As a group, the Oklahoma, and New Mexico, why are foster care as well. We like to go to the mall and shop, 68 responding agencies said they Gibbs (2005) found that in these parents so go on dates to the movies, and talk on the phone. would like to see about 1,200 states 20% of the foster parents reluctant to take I love my friends. additional foster families for provided between 60% and 72% in teens like me? No, my life is not perfect, and I’ve been adolescents. of all foster care days. Gibbs’ through a lot. But I think that’s what makes me who I am today: young, Assessing the Need finding is in line with the talented, independent, smart, and sweet. On the one hand, this is not conclusion reached by Stukes So why are foster parents so reluctant to take in teenagers like me? surprising if you consider that Chipingu and Bent-Goodley Since I can remember, teenagers in foster care have been talked about as teens are disproportionately (2004), who found that at any being bad, disrespectful, out-of-control. All these words and many more represented in residential given time on a national level, have been used to describe us. placements in our state. For one out of every three licensed My opinion is not that foster parents are so reluctant to take us in, but example, in state fiscal year foster homes is unused. that people have talked down about us so much that foster parents who 2006-07, 21% of youths age 13 There are many factors that want to take us in or give us a chance suddenly have a change of mind. So to 17 were placed in group homes determine whether a foster home if people would stop giving us such a bad rap and stop dwelling on our when they first entered DSS is used, including the number of weaknesses and look at our strengths, more people would be willing to custody, compared with 6% of children in the agency’s custody, take teenage foster children in their homes. children age 6 to 12 and 1% of the relationship between the Ariel’s was awarded $100 for her first prize entry. Turn to page 3 to read other contest entries. children age birth to 5. foster family and the agency, the Yet if you consider the number fit between the foster family’s skills and abilities and the needs of homes and the number of placement, the children who are children and families. Teens in of the children in care, and the youth in care, agencies’ desire for in care—and right now one out foster care need you to take foster family’s stated preferences. more homes makes less sense. of three youths in foster care in action on their behalf. Talk to This last factor is something At the end of February 2008 there North Carolina is over age 13— other foster parents to make sure were 10,543 children in DSS over which foster parents have a must be cared for by someone. they are aware of the need for custody in North Carolina. That great deal of influence. In general, For teens in particular this can homes for teens. Take a moment the more restrictions you place same month, our state had 7,129 mean placement in a group home, on the type and number of to reflect on your own situation licensed foster homes. even though policy says children children you are willing to care and stated preferences. Social Looking at these numbers, it should be placed in the most for, the longer you will wait for a workers need families that can would seem that North Carolina family-like setting possible. has more than enough foster placement. For example, if you accept and work with all of the homes to care for every child in limit yourself to infants, it may You Can Help children that come into care. So foster care, including teens. Why be quite some time before an You became a foster or adoptive many of them are adolescents— are agencies saying we need infant is taken into custody. parent because you want to make won’t you consider opening your more? While you are waiting for a a difference in the lives of home to teens? Jimmy Wayne: NC foster care alumni makes it big North Carolina-born Jimmy Wayne had his first number the couple had a history of taking in children who needed a one hit this September, when “Do You Believe Me Now” home. According to Wayne, their kindness changed the trajec- reached the top of the Billboard country singles chart. Called tory of his life and made possible all that he has achieved. one of country music’s “Next Big Things” by USA Today, In much of his music, Wayne draws attention to children Wayne has won the attention of national media and the living with abuse, neglect, and poverty. You can hear excerpts devotion of fans. from some of these songs, such as “Paper Angels,” “I Love You Although he says he is now living his dream, Wayne’s This Much,” and “Kerosene Kid,” at www.jimmywayne.com. early life in Gaston County was anything but ideal. His father Jimmy Wayne comes back to North Carolina to help children left the family before he was born. His mother spent time in in need and the agencies who care for them. Since 2006, he prison. Wayne went into foster care at age 8, eventually has returned to do an annual benefit show for the Cleveland- becoming separated from his sister. He says he moved Rutherford Kidney Association. Youth in area group homes around in the foster care system quite a bit. receive free tickets to the show. This August, he took a break At 16 he was homeless, living outside, and trying to earn from his touring schedule to share his story with DSS social money for food. Then, he was taken in by an older couple. workers at an annual conference. While they never received any stipend or agency support, He spoke with Fostering Perspectives in September 2008.
An Interview with Jimmy Wayne How have you transformed your experiences, her husband are still great friends of mine. So they experience these valleys in our life for a reason. Why and in particular painful episodes from your never know. They might end up helping someone shouldn’t they go after it? We’re stronger than the own life, into music that inspires other people? and getting a lifetime of free, backstage VIP passes. ones who have never experienced anything. I think that really just telling the truth, you know, In North Carolina we’re really trying to help kids Is there anything else you’d like to add? and saying things that people can relate to is where maintain ties with their birth families. How has I did an interview the other day, and they asked me it begins. And I think it’s just songwriting. Instead that worked out in your life, maintaining your about religion and how that played a part. And it of writing a commercial song that I think might get family ties while living with other people? played a major part, because of that family. You know, played on the radio, I write songs that may not ever they lived by the Word. And the Word says “True get played on the radio but to me, they have a lot of Well, I’ve never been in a situation where I had a and undefiled religion is to help the widows and truth and a lot of meaning behind them. And, you family that wanted anything to do with me, so I don’t orphans in their time of distress.” And if statisti- know, I think when people hear those songs, those know what that feels like. I’ve had foster parents cally, there’s more Christians than there are kids are the songs that move them the most. who’ve helped me, but my own family never really cared and still don’t care. who need help, well, apparently, the Christians Can you talk about the folks who provided a aren’t doing their job. I mean, the math just doesn’t home for you? What do you think it was about One of your songs, “Stay Gone,” actually came make sense. There should not be any kid out there them that made a difference for you? from something your sister said about her who’s left behind. ex-husband. Is that your birth sister? They just didn’t give up. I mean, first of all, they gave me the chance of a lifetime. They were in their Yes. She’s my sister that I was in the foster homes with when we were kids. There was a lot of separa- mid-70’s, and there I was, kind of a long-haired teen- Excerpts from “Paper Angels” tion. She got married at a young age, to escape all age boy, needing a home. And they gave me one. They Lyrics by Jimmy Wayne made me cut my hair and go to church. You know, that stuff. She married a guy who was abusive and those were the rules. They didn’t know anything just ended up feeling like he owned her. And I went After every day-after-Thanksgiving sale the malls about me. They just took a chance. I sometimes and got her out of that situation one day. just ain't complete wonder if it was some kind of divine meeting or Without a bunch of decorations and How were you able to maintain that a paper angel tree something. It’s insane really. connection with her over those years? There's artificial smiles on artificial tree limbs How did you actually meet them? I didn’t. I didn’t maintain it. We were split up and Saying what she'd love to have and what to buy stayed split up for a while. for him I was cutting their grass, doing odd jobs around * * * * * * their house. I don’t know why she asked me to move Is there anything you’d say to children in care? [Chorus:] in, I don’t know how she knew anything about me. Well, I mean, it’s not really the kids that I would Paper angels you're in my thoughts and prayers What would you say to foster parents or people want to talk to, it’s the people that can make a dif- No matter where you are right now remember considering becoming foster parents? ference in their lives. I mean, we can talk to the God's right there kids till we turn blue in the face, but they need our He's asking all of us to help take care You’re really just taking a chance every time that help for a reason. Because they can’t do it on their Of his paper angels everywhere you go out and help one of these kids. But to me it own. If they could, they wouldn’t need our help. I would be worth it. Just take a chance, you’ll never * * * * * * mean, not that I don’t care, because Lord knows I know. I’m so glad that family took a chance on me. His documented bruises fill a folder file do. It’s just you get tired of talking to them and the They’re 100% responsible for me and my success She's a 2nd grade self-portrait drawn without a smile adults not doing anything about it. and everything that’s happened to me today. [It] is And every town is littered with this kind of debris all because of that family. To the kids, if there was anything I could say to We've got to stop this madness and it's up to you them: find something that they really enjoy doing, and me Are there any messages that you would give and stick with it. You know if it’s music, stick with to foster care workers? it, if it’s any kind of sports, or anything, find Well, there’s so much to say. I mean as far as not something that they enjoy doing, and go after it. giving up on those kids, knowing that they will The dream’s not that far away. It wasn’t for me. I remember everything that they say to them. I still went after it and got it. It’s there, all they gotta do keep in touch with one of my foster care social is just go after it. It can be done. workers, Carla Foy, who stood by me relentlessly Somebody has to do it. Why [shouldn’t] it be the and helped me through those hard times. [She] and chosen people to do it? We’re chosen people. We
2 Kids’ Page Words and Pictures by and for Children in Foster Care Vol. 13, No. 1 • November 2008 Advice for foster parents reluctant to care for teens In the last issue we asked young people what they thought about the Shelby, age 16 fact that some North Carolina 2 adolescents live in group homes Knowing that there aren’t enough homes for teen- If people saw simply because there aren’t enough agers is really sad because I was once in that situa- tion. Coming from my real mother’s home to a group what these foster families that will take teens. home hurt me so bad because I thought no one We also asked them what they teenagers go Photo Illustration cared . . . . thought would change the minds through every day I think that if people (families) saw what these of these reluctant families. Here’s what young people they might change teenagers go through every day they might change in foster care had to say. their minds about their minds about what they should do to help them —John McMahon, Editor feel like they belong and are loved. My other sugges- what they should Note: The essay by the first place winner in the writing contest can be tion is to have [foster families] spend a day in a do to help them. found on page one of this issue of Fostering Perspectives. foster home or group home where the caregivers just don’t care. Maybe then they will change their minds. Katie, age 15 Shelby’s letter won second prize, for which she was awarded $50. I’m not surprised by the fact that I’m not many teens in foster care live in group homes. When I first came surprised Mylieng, age 18 into foster care, I was living in a many teens 3 group home . . . . in foster If I could say one thing to foster families it would If I could say one The world is full of skeptics and care live in be, yes, children need a lot of attention and nur- turing, but we teens need someone to believe in thing to foster overly cautious people. You know, group homes. there is not necessarily anything us. We need someone to love us unconditionally families it would wrong or bad about that. It’s just those kind of people and to dare us to dream. We need adults to take be, yes, children don’t like uncharted waters. And come on now, a us in who are wanting us to make the best for need a lot of ourselves and who will place high expectations teenager with a separate background that you know attention and nothing about and have no control over whatsoever is on us so we can get somewhere with our lives. nurturing, but we definitely what I would call uncharted waters. . . . All we need is a jump start. It’s like teaching a teens need some What I think would put these people’s minds at ease baby to walk. We need adults to hold out their a little is if DSS would inform them more—share a arms for us, just in case we fall. As soon as we one to believe in us. little bit of background [about] what kind of kid they get used to walking, then those adults would are, do they get in trouble a lot, you know, stuff like know they had done their jobs as loving parents. Foster families such as that. [Provide] the facts and a little more, to kinda give these can save us from the streets and save us from destroying our lives and these parents a look at what these kids are like. The wasting our God-given talents . . . . [foster] parent and the foster child should most defi- Every single human being on this earth has a gift but we need guidance nitely meet and get acquainted. as young adults to learn where our talents can take us. In my opinion, that all begins with love. . . . Katie received $15 for having her essay published. My aunt loves me dearly and she always tells me how proud she is of me, which keeps motivating me to do my best. She loves me as her own daugh- Carrie, age 12 ter and she always pushes me with school and my best talent of all, writing. She knows I pour my heart and soul into my pen. Writing was my only In North Carolina . . . . [some] escape from my cold childhood. I can pour my heart into my pen without it The minds of teens have to go to group getting broken in the end. Her dream for me is to prove my mother wrong. homes [because] most foster foster families She wants to see me make something of myself and to one day see my mother families would rather have could change by regret the way she has treated me. She, unlike many other aunts, dares me young kids than teens. I feel trying to know to dream. I believe with all my heart, if we had more foster parents like her, many of us broken teenagers would be healed. I believe all of us would be sad knowing that the teens will more about teens. be placed in group homes . . . saved through love, and that we would all be able to carry on with our lives The minds of foster families could change by trying to in a positive way, not afraid to carry our bruises and scars from the past. We know more about teens and then take classes about would all be able to live out our dream that is buried deep within our teens. broken hearts. Mylieng’s essay won third prize, for which she was awarded $25. Carrie received $15 for having her essay published.
3 Building a positive relationship with birth parents Foster parents are taught about saying, “Karen, I am Donna. I neglected or abused. Your the things children feel when Tips to help you am taking care of your child feelings are your own and experiencing loss. We are taught engage, motivate, until he can come home to you. should not be overlooked. Donna Foster in MAPP about the grief cycle and and support birth He is missing you. I felt you But as foster parents, you how to help children through each parents as they wanted to know who was taking must remember the child loves his or her stage. Yet we are not always taught care of your son.” parents. The plan is almost always learn to parent that birth parents go through Be ready for serious anger. reunification. Use your own feelings to their own grief cycle. This is their children in Do not let angry words stop your motivate and support the birth parents as critical information—before we healthy ways. compassion. The birth parents they learn how to parent their children in can hope to build a relationship have lost control over their healthy ways. with the birth parents we need to understand child. They are at a loss as to how to fight Use Reflective Listening. Birth parents how they are feeling. for themselves. Demonstrating that you need to be heard, not judged. Reflective To give foster parents the tools they need understand this frustration is a first step in listening is the practice of repeating or to build more constructive relationships with the development of trust between the adults. paraphrasing what the person you are talking birth parents, I’d like to share the following Stage: Protest to has just said, reflecting back the emotions suggestions, which are organized according you are hearing. Example: “I hate that my The birth parents may let the foster parents to Charles Horejsi’s ideas about the cycle of children are staying with strangers!” know in no uncertain terms that they are birth parent grief (see sidebar below). Reflective response: “You sound worried that their children’s only parents. They may people you don’t know will not know how to Stage: Shock threaten the foster parents not to harm their care for your children.” At this stage of the grief cycle birth parents children. This is a method of trying to Foster parents’ role is to listen and to need to know their children are being taken maintain control. Here are some ways foster provide creative ways for the birth parents care of by kind people who are not trying to parents can strengthen their relationship with to actively parent their children. When they replace them. No matter what caused their protesting birth parents: do this, Shared Parenting is taking root. children to be placed outside their home, Assure birth parents you will not harm Don’t sell yourself as wonderful, parents still care about their children and their children. Birth parents benefit from superior, or the child’s salvation. Birth feel they should be in their care. Foster hearing these words from the foster parents. parents may feel embarrassed or threatened parents can help by meeting the birth parents They may have heard or read scary stories by the foster family’s home. Birth parents face-to-face when children are being placed about foster parents. may believe foster parents are in it for the with them. If a meeting is not possible, call Be humble. Let the birth parent be the money. Birth parents need to hear from the birth parents after the children are knowledgeable one when talking about their foster parents that they are here to help placed. During meetings and phone calls child. Example: “You know your child better families reunite. Birth parents need to hear foster parents should: than anyone. How do you want me to care again and again that their children need them Start the conversation. Do not say “I for your child while he is here?” and that material things aren’t important. understand how you are feeling.” This could Understand the birth parent’s anger as anger birth parents who feel no one can an expression of grief. Do not show your Stage: Adjustment understand how they are feeling. A better own anger. Instead, show compassion. This After birth parents feel recognized by the approach would be to introduce yourself by can be difficult if the children have been child’s foster parents they become more open to being involved in the parenting of their Birth Parents’ Grief Process children while they are in foster care. Here are some specific ways to communicate to Shock. Parents are in disbelief. The words people Adjustment. In birth parents that they are included in their are saying don’t sink in or make sense. Parents feel the adjustment phase children’s care. like they are sleepwalking. The only thing on their things start to settle Ask birth parents what questions they mind is that their child is gone. Behaviors of parents down. Adjustment have for you. Birth parents may want to may include: shaking, screaming, crying , or swearing. occurs sooner if the know: Do the children have a room by them- They are overwhelmed with worries about their child. parents have an ally, Photo Illustration selves? Who bathes them? What do you tell Parents may promise the social worker anything such as the social without understanding what they promised. Parents worker and foster parent. The parents do not worry them about why they are in foster care? How may be in denial and are sure the child will return about their children’s safety or loyalty if trust in the do you let them know we love them? When tomorrow. foster parent has developed. The child becomes the can I talk to them? Are you going to change Protest. Grief shows itself more physically. The focus of the team. Those assisting the birth parents them so that they are more like your family? parents may feel sadness or anger and the symptoms can be the social workers, foster parents, guardian ad Do you want to keep our kids? could be upset stomach and low or no appetite. Parents litem, therapists and other community resources. The Ask birth parents about their children. may have headaches, insomnia, and exhaustion. They parents build their parenting skills and actively Ask questions such as: How do you want us may be angry at everyone. The parents may make participate in co-parenting their children with the to take care of them? What do your children demands or threats. They may swear or cry for no foster parents. The social worker, foster parent, and like to eat? What allergies do they have? Are apparent reason. It may be easier to blame others for birth parent develop a strong Shared Parenting team. they allergic to any medications, mold, the situation than to accept their responsibility. This The parents fulfill their obligations and meet the case animals, etc.? What fears do they have? What could be a way of coping with despair and depression. plan goals. do you do to calm them? What do they need Adapted from Charles Horejsi’s “Working with Biological Parents” with them at bedtime, such as special cont. p. 5
4 continued from page 4 Winning Him Back by Lynne Miller blankets, pillows, stuffed animals? What are My visits proved I was worth my son’s trust their school needs? Are they close to any teachers, bus drivers, or other family The First Visit members? Who are they? What do you want When my son arrived at the agency where I was the children to call us? impatiently waiting, I didn’t recognize him. When Develop an action plan for parenting the they took him from me, he had a long tail and hair children together. When questions are to just above his collar. Now his hair was shaved in answered you can, in collaboration with the sort of a mushroom cut. children’s social worker, develop an action When I was told, “There’s your son,” I think I plan that might include phone calls, family- went into shock, and my son and I spent nearly oriented visits at the agency, at parks, and in time, at the foster home. Birth parents the whole visit crying all over each other. can join their children and the foster parents Maybe it was the guilt I was feeling, but I felt I Illustration by Elizabeth Deegan at medical appointments, school activities could see the mistrust in my son’s eyes. I didn’t and meetings, church functions, community know how I would be able to win back the trust I activities, birthdays, holidays, and summer had stupidly forfeited. showed up, he knew I was reliable and kept my word. activities. He Called Someone Else ‘Mom’ It also showed the agency that I was capable of being a responsible parent again. When the birth parents are attending these The worst part of the visit was when I heard him call Eventually, our visits were increased to one hour functions, foster parents should introduce the foster mother “Mom.” I flipped out. After the once a week, and then two hours every week. Finally, them as the children’s parents and ask worker and foster mom calmed me down, they I was able to take him for an occasional overnight, doctors and school personnel to discuss explained to me that it was to make him feel at ease, then weekends. their children’s needs with the birth parents. and because her other foster kids called her that too. This helps the birth parents practice They tried to reassure me that I still was and would My Son Comes Home parenting and allows foster parents to play always be his mom. But here was my son calling some Having my child overnight again created new tensions a supportive role. other lady “Mom.” I felt sure this was just another and stresses for both of us. He wasn’t real sure how After Reunification proof that my [child welfare] worker was making good to act with me; I worried about saying the wrong thing If shared parenting is practiced, the self- her threat to keep my child from me. . . . or losing my cool. But I just took it minute by minute, esteem of the birth parents is heightened and His Foster Mom Supported Me and eventually we began to have a natural relationship again. a positive, ongoing relationship with the I came to know my son’s foster mother and she made You can’t know how wonderful it is to be able to foster family created. After reunification the our visits go easier and helped me get my son back. just call your child in from the backyard to eat dinner birth parents will most likely desire a My agency has a family to family approach—that is, until you’ve experienced not having him there to call. continued relationship with the family who we try to keep open communication between the I found most pleasure in the smallest things; wiping cared for their children. The foster parents birth and foster parents so that a friendship can away a tear, kissing a booboo, or just getting a hug. can offer to take the roles of aunt, uncle, develop. The best Christmas present I’ve ever gotten was and cousins. They can offer to give respite This lets the children know they aren’t a prize being when I was told I could have my son for his Christmas to birth parents by occasionally caring for competed for; they are loved and cared for and have vacation from school. That became his trial discharge the family’s children. just acquired an “extended family” to help take care home to me. After almost 18 months of hard work, I Reunification is stressful. The support of of them while their birth parents are unable. got him back! the foster parents can help the family succeed My son’s foster mom would assure my son that in staying together. Staying involved after the he’d be going home someday soon. She even had Ups and Downs children return home also helps foster the agency’s psych department give my son therapy My son has been home almost three years. We still families with their own emotions. to help him with all the new and confusing feelings have our ups and downs. He still occasionally acts out A slow transition is healthy for all of the he was having. in school and every once in a while he has a bad children and the adults who love them. Starting the Healing Process nightmare, like he did after he was taken away from Everyone wins! me. Still, seeing my son for one hour every two weeks I am in the process of trying to find a therapist for Donna Foster, an author, national trainer, and consultant, took a toll on our relationship. I felt like I was in a bad him that I can afford. I think it’s important because lives in Marshville, NC. dream that I was moving through in slow motion. the feelings he experienced while I was using drugs I no longer knew how to act or what to say around and then when he was in foster care aren’t going to him. I tried to make it up by bringing “things” to every Encourage Social Workers to disappear just because we’re a family again. My son visit. But then I would wonder whether he was happy Attend Shared Parenting Course and I talk to each other about what happened and to see me or the gifts. The worst part was saying good- how I hope he will believe me when I tell him it will The NC Division of Social Services offers a bye after every visit. That’s when all the guilt and 2-day course for county DSS child welfare never happen again. remorse really set in. I wanted to kick myself for being social workers that teaches them how to such a screw-up. Reprinted with permission from Rise, Copyright 2005 by Youth support partnerships between birth families I think my showing up consistently for our visits Communication/New York Center, Inc. (www.youthcomm.org). and foster (and kinship) families. Social started the healing process. It helped to show my son workers can learn about class times and that I could be trusted again. If I told him I would be locations and register for this free training at the agency to see him in two weeks, and then I at
5 NC Foster and Adoptive Parent Association Visit the Association’s Web Site at
We’re working for you–and getting results! by Stacey Darbee From the Association’s President The NC Foster and Adoptive Parent It’s never been easier to make and submitted on our web Together we Association is a voice for foster, your hotel reservations: go to site. You all know someone adoptive, and kinship parents in can achieve www.NCFAPA.org and pick the who deserves recognition for Stacey Darbee North Carolina. Our mission is to anything. “Reserve Your Room Now” option what they do everyday—NOMINATE!! promote quality foster and adoptive for Renaissance Charlotte Suites. Advocacy: Great News! services through collaborative Join us today! You will be directed to a site set NCFAPA, along with strong support from advocacy, education, resources, up specifically for our event. the Covenant with NC’s Children and CFSA- reunification, and networking. We partner At the upcoming conference we will offer NC, advocated throughout the year for a and advocate with others in the field of child 40 workshop sessions with information for reimbursement rate increase. And we got it! welfare. everyone from new foster and adoptive On July 16, 2008 Governor Easley signed There are over 12,000 potential members parents to extremely experienced ones. House Bill 2436, which included the largest of this association. We need your support to Games, an amazing luau, awards, and increase in the Foster Care Room and Board make sure your voice is heard. Join today! fantastic surprise entertainment: all planned Reimbursement Rate and the Adoption Here are a few things we’re doing to benefit for you. The focus for 2009 is fun in a setting Assistance Rate in state history. Beginning you and children in foster care in our state: that provides the best quality training. January 1, 2009 the rates will be as follows: 2009 NCFAPA Training Conference Registration will be free with your paid 2009 NCFAPA membership. If you join or We are excited to announce that the theme of New Reimbursement Rates renew your membership by December 31, our 2009 training conference will be Starting January 2009 Awakening the Aloha Spirit…Changing 2008 your name will be put in a drawing for 2 free hotel nights in Charlotte during the Current New Tides, Changing Lives! We feel that the Aloha conference. This event is better every year. Child’s Age Rate Rate spirit (affection, humility, perseverance, unity, Don’t miss it! Go to www.NCFAPA.org for birth to age 5 $390 $475 harmony) really signifies what is happening conference registration information. with our Association and with foster and age 6 to 12 $440 $581 adoptive families in North Carolina. Seeking Nominations age 13 to 18 $490 $634 The conference will be held May 1-3, 2009. At the conference each year NCFAPA honors SAVE THIS DATE NOW!! Need more parents with regional awards for Foster NCFAPA Board of Directors motivation? The Aloha conference will be Parent of the Year and Adoptive Parent of the NCFAPA would welcome inquiries from held at the Renaissance Suites in Charlotte. Year. In 2008 we also instituted a state award members interested in joining the Board of Every room is a full suite! Reservations are for each of these categories. Nominations Directors. Please contact Gregg Childers at $99 a night! Refrigerator & microwave in are now open. ANYONE can nominate [email protected] for more information. each room! All meeting space on one floor someone they believe exhibits the ALOHA Officers in one building! SPIRIT! Nomination forms may be found Stacey Darbee - President Paul Roodhuyzen - Treasurer Join the Association! Gregg Childers - Secretary Tammy Mitchell - Historian Membership is open to anyone interested in strengthening foster and adoptive services in North Carolina. Send this form, with payment (DO NOT send cash), to: NCFAPA 330 S. Greene St., Greensboro, NC 27401. Co-Wefa Lyda - Region 1 VP Make checks payable to the NC FOSTER AND ADOPTIVE PARENT ASSOCIATION. Joanne Light - Region 2 VP Regular Membership is open to any foster or adoptive parent and is $50 for an individual and $75 for a Kim Stewart - Region 3 VP couple. Associate Membership ($100 for an individual and $300 for an organization) is available to those Aaryn Fazakerly - Region 4 VP who do not qualify for Regular Membership. Board Members First name #1: ______First name #2: ______Wanda Douglas - Region 1 Last name: ______Crystal Merritt - Region 1 Janet Martin - Region 2 Address: ______Sandra Ayers - Williams- Region 3 City: ______State: ______Zip: ______Chip Thompson - Region 4
County:______Licensing Agency: ______Though we are currently undermanned, the NCFAPA Board has accomplished a great Home phone: ( ) ______E-mail: ______deal. We will continue to advocate on behalf Membership Amt. included: ______Donation Amt.: ______of foster, adoptive, and kinship families. Join forces with us today!
6 When a child must move by A Foster Parent Being a foster parent is full of We have taken multiple she did not want to be placed in the same firsts. There is the first child that workshops dealing with grief and home as her daughter until she was 18 (12 becomes part of your family, the loss. We absolutely understand months in the future). The judge, knowing first child that returns to his or her that socio-economics has that we did not consider adopting the tod- birth family, the first child placed nothing to do with being able to dler an option due to our age, told all of the with birth family members who are be a wonderful parent. Our own parties to the case to return to court at the strangers to the child, the first time two adopted children (one an next scheduled hearing with a concurrent you say no to a proposed placement. open adoption and one a closed plan in place. We supported wholeheartedly adoption) are daily reminders of the need for the toddler to move to a home And then there’s the first time a Photo Illustration the incredible importance of birth where she could grow to adulthood if her child needs to leave your home to To say that we move to another foster home. family connections no matter the mother was not going to be able to regain are passionate cause of the placement. Yes, I custody. There was a transition period for A Traumatic First about foster know that a child sexual the toddler, but at this point, a month and a My husband and I have been foster placement molester can never have half into the placement, things seem to be parents nearly forever (over 20 years stability would unsupervised contact with the going very well. and counting). Our family has be an child, but even so, to ignore that And what about the mother? What would experienced countless firsts, but understatement. relationship is to harm the child. we have wanted to have happen if she had none has been harder than our Being in protected contact with been our birth child? most recent first. For the first time, those who have hurt them can be In Hindsight two foster children (a youth and her toddler very healing at some point to children in the We second guess ourselves, wondering what age daughter) left our home for new foster foster care system. would have been the best course of action. placements. To say that we are passionate My husband and I struggle more when chil- We feel that she should have been receiving about foster placement stability would be dren are placed with relatives with whom much more intensive mental health services an understatement. Our mantra is “If this they have had little or no contact for the vast than she was prior to leaving our house and were our birth child, what would you be majority of their lives. Sometimes it seems that she is receiving even now. Perhaps fam- recommending?” to us that establishing an ongoing relation- ily therapy for the entire foster family—my It wasn’t that these youngsters arrived at our ship with the relatives and placing the child husband and me plus our two children and home and it just did not work out. They lived with the foster parents as adoptive parents the mother and her child—would have of- with us and completely shared our lives for might be better for the mental health of the fered all of us emotional support and things 18 months (the young mother) and 20 months youngster. Attachment can be a very fragile to do as a family that might have stabilized (the toddler arrived at 5 months of age). thing. the situation. At the time the mother stated What went wrong? Was it even wrong? How Out of the Blue she could no longer stay in our home, we do we regroup from this experience? What But, then comes our recent first. The young were rather blind-sided. Family therapy could we have done differently? And, finally, mother had a planned, temporary move to a might have allowed issues and feelings to be what will we do next time? higher level of care so she could focus on shared so that the family unit could have Our Perspective mental health issues. The toddler was going remained intact. Let me back up. Being a foster family to stay with us, with frequent visits with her Foster parents are truly a work in progress. requires ongoing education and support. The mother. Then it all went so confusingly Every child is different. Their needs are support has to be provided by other foster wrong. The mother decided she could not different, their responses are different. Yet parents. Only foster parents have “been there spend even one more night in our home and we must try our best to care for each one as and done that.” They don’t think you were she bounced from home to home while wait- though they were our birth child. crazy in the first place to have opened your ing for her therapeutic placement to be fi- To protect the confidentiality of the children described in lives to strangers. nalized. The young mother told the judge that this essay, the author has requested to remain anonymous.
Family Support Network of NC The Starfish Promoting and providing support for families with children who have special needs As the old man walked the beach at dawn, he noticed a young man •Does your child have special needs? ahead of him picking up starfish and flinging them into the sea. •Do you need help finding information, resources, Finally catching up with the youth, he asked and services? •Do you want to know more about a special need, him why he was doing this. The boy answered disability, or diagnosis? that the stranded starfish would die if left Hablamos español in the morning sun. •¿Su niño tiene necesidades especiales? “But the beach goes on for miles, and •¿Usted necesita ayuda para encontrar información, recursos y servicios? there are millions of starfish,” countered •¿Usted desea saber más acerca de alguna the old man. “How can you make a necesidad especial, discapacidad o diagnosis? difference?” The Family Support Network of NC provides The young man looked at the starfish in •Parent-to-Parent Support • Education & Outreach his hand and then threw it to the safety of the •Information & Referral • Research & Evaluation •Summer Camp Directory waves. Contact us at: 800.852.0042, www.fsnnc.org “I made a difference to that one,” he said. —Anonymous
Serving families since 1985 through a network of affiliated local programs
7 Family secrets: Sexual abuse is common but often hidden While few children enter foster care solely because of sexual abuse, studies suggest that foster youth are twice as likely as other children to have experienced sexual abuse, whether at home or since entering the system. Lisa Lubell, director of the Child Sexual Abuse Education, Evaluation and Treatment Project at Lawyers for Children, talks about why: The number of children in foster care who have been were to tell, and they feel they need to protect their could happen again. They also learn a pattern of sexually abused is high. There are many reasons family. But their behaviors show the abuse. protecting the family from the system or from looking for that. But basically, children whose parents are Kids can also be abused in their foster homes, bad, instead of responding to the child’s needs. unable to care for them, or who are not living with where they become accessible to a variety of adults— Sexual abuse is devastating, and has painful, their biological family, are vulnerable to being preyed including group home staff or older children in the traumatic effects on children and their families. It upon. home—who sometimes will take advantage of a kid can seem too painful and shameful to believe. So it’s natural to react by saying, “This can’t be Alone and Afraid they think is powerless. Many times children in fos- ter care really do feel powerless and isolated, so they happening,” and shut down against believing it, even In biological homes where there’s neglect, the parents don’t speak up. Some are so desperate for connec- when you know the truth. As difficult as it can be may not be too focused on the child because they’re tion and relationship that sexual abuse seems to to support a child when she comes forward, it’s so so involved in their own struggles, whether it’s with give them the attention and nurturance they crave, important for parents to validate a child’s mental illness, substance abuse, or sometimes just even though it is actually abusive. It’s a tragic conse- experience, report the abuse to a professional, and survival. A parent’s lack of focus on the child, or quence of the system that doesn’t make them safer. help the child recover. lack of connection, can make the child more Teen girls in care also are particularly vulnerable Reprinted with permission from Rise Magazine vulnerable to sexual abuse because an abuser sees to getting into relationships with older men or
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8 Books on the nightstand Book reviews by Becky Burmester
I am still reading, but much more slowly. At age 60, I The Women Who Raised Me have decided what I want to be when I grow up, and This work by Victoria Rowell differs from most so have started back to school. I’ve read that students in the com- of the books that I recommend in that it is a munity college system tend to be older than just out of high school, book that truly is about the women who raised but you sure couldn’t prove it to me looking at the students in my her. My book club, which reads books by Afri- classes! I am the class great-grandparent. Textbooks are just as can American authors, chose this book for our heavy both to carry and to read as they were 40 years ago. August book discussion. This is the book to read Recently I have read a couple books that should be required if you are asking yourself whether you are mak- reading for foster parents and for foster youth. Let me tell you ing a difference. I like to think that I am a strong about them. advocate for young people sharing our home, but Surviving the Storm Agatha Wooten Armstead was a force to be reckoned with. There were many important women in Victoria Rowell’s life but none as Surviving the Storm: the Life of a Child in Foster determined as Agatha Wooten Armstead. Care by Julia S. Charles is a wonderful book Rowell’s memoir contains more information about the women in in a small package. Tipping the book scales at her life than about her own life. Members of my book club specu- fewer than 100 pages, one might think it was a lated that the author had not yet dealt with some of the issues in her lightweight. To dismiss this book because of its past. Two members flatly stated that this book was a fairy tale. They brevity would be to squander the opportunity to simply could not relate to Victoria Rowell and the life she described. really see things through the eyes of someone Only three of our eight members finished the book. Following the who has been part of the “system” and discussion one member said that she was going to finish the book; triumphed. Julia Charles carries the storm the others were turning it in and starting on something else. analogy throughout the book, including the dedication. Joe and I People in this group know me as a foster parent. Claudia said have been foster parents to several young people who are now out that, except for this book and knowing Becky, she had never heard on their own, making it, but just barely. The “girls” are all getting a or read anything good about foster parents. For me, that moves it copy of this book in their Christmas stockings this year. It is short into the category of books my non-fostering friends ought to read. enough that they will read it (perhaps more than once), real enough I need to end this and hit those textbooks. What’s on your night that they will know that the author has “been there,” and inspiring stand? Share what you are reading with me! You can reach me at enough that they may think of Julia Charles at one of those times 919/870-9968 or [email protected]. when everything seems just too hard.
SaySo takes it on the road by Nancy Carter Here’s an quick update on the activities of Orientation – A New Decade Ahead programming suggestions your favorite youth advocacy group, Strong In June, previous and newly elected board from older youths. To Able Youth Speaking Out (SaySo). members joined for a three-day team build- contribute to this process, Road Show – Connecting the State ing retreat at Sandhills Community College. SaySo will help “jump- They helped each other overcome amazing start” local chapters’ SaySo Board members want to bring the obstacles and learned more about SaySo and involvement as sounding boards for DSS mission of SaySo to local programs. SaySo’s their roles as board members. They created directors. SaySo members are asked not to mission is to improve the substitute care sys- a year-long plan to determine their priori- whine about the problems but to become tem by educating the community, speaking out ties, planned the 2008 summer LINK Up con- part of the solution. This philosophy makes about needed changes, and providing support ference in Winston Salem, and made arrange- a local chapter an asset to any area and a to youth who are or have been in care. By ments to present at the National Independent natural vehicle for improving services. For presenting to local groups of caregivers, Living Association Conference in Orlando in more information on how to start a chapter prospective adoptive parents, future social September. Events involving Sayso to be held or to request a youth speaker to assist a workers, foster youths (who can’t always in 2009 include another LINK Up conference local chapter, contact Rhiannon Galen (800/ attend SaySo programming) and policy mak- in January, SaySo Saturday in March, and 820-0001; [email protected]). ers, SaySo board members hope to recon- SaySo Survivor IV in April. The year will cul- nect with alumni, create more local chapters, Website – A Place for Information minate with SaySo Page Week during foster and support change in local communities. SaySo website www.saysoinc.org has more care month (May 2009). The coming year will To make this happen, SaySo needs to know than just SaySo information. It has ways to be an active one as a new decade of SaySo which organizations or schools are interested register for statewide youth events and begins with a dedicated board of young people. in sponsoring a short SaySo forum. Spon- information for older teens and alumni. For sors will need to cover costs required to Local Chapters – A Way to Be Heard instance, there’s information on how to bring board members to the area. Several To improve substitute care in North prepare for further education, employment, groups can jointly sponsor a forum. If you Carolina, youths need to be heard at the local a section for youths to post their poems and are interested, e-mail [email protected] with level. As part of our state’s Program stories, and numerous links to important information on location, suggested times, Improvement Plan (PIP), directors of county information. If you have suggestions, send and targeted audience. DSS agencies are being asked to listen to them to us at [email protected].
9 Confidentiality and the foster parent’s need to know by Joan McAllister To successfully protect and promote the well- appointments, school special medical problems being of the children in their care, foster meetings, transportation, that the child may have. parents need information. Yet sometimes and the like. As foster and Obviously, this includes foster parents are uncertain what informa- birth parents get to know the child’s HIV status. tion they can reasonably expect to receive one another, birth parents’ The Health Status when children are placed in their homes. To anxiety and speculation The Health Status and Component of the Family clarify this matter, we thought it might be about the welfare of their Educational components helpful to review some of North Carolina’s children can be put to rest. Services Agreement must of the Family Services policies related to confidentiality and infor- In their place familiarity, be completed and mation-sharing in child welfare. trust, and sometimes even Agreement are two provided to the foster parents within seven days Protecting the Child and Family’s friendship begin to develop. important documents Foster Parents’ Rights North Carolina foster of placement. Also, the Right to Privacy child must be referred by Foster parents always have parents should receive North Carolina General Statute 7B-2901(b) the placing agency for a states that information contained in social a right to receive the whenever a child is physical examination services’ records of children in protective following from county DSS placed in their home. within seven days of custody is confidential, and that, in the best agencies: placement. The foster interests of the juvenile, such information Placement information. parent/caregiver signs the should be protected from public inspection. Information about why the These records may only be examined by child is in foster care and form to verify he or she order of the court; the exception to this rule what the primary and has received it. is that the child’s Guardian ad Litem (GAL) concurrent permanency plans are must be Educational information must be shared and the child him or herself has the right to provided to foster parents at the time of with foster parents at the time of placement see these records. This information is placement and updated as needed to help and updated as information is received. The protected because of the child and family’s the foster parent anticipate and respond to foster parent/caregiver shall receive the right to privacy. Policy limits the sharing of the child’s needs. Providing this information Educational Component of the Family information regarding children in foster care also helps the foster parent to be an Services Agreement, and signs the form to based on that individual’s need to know the informed partner in the planning process. verify receipt. In addition, the foster parent/ information in order to administer foster Social/behavioral information must be caregiver should be a part of any discussion care services. shared with the foster parent/caregiver at the regarding Individual Educational Plans In order to care properly for a child being time of placement, including information (IEPs) or other remedial efforts to assure placed in their home, foster parents, about the kinds of behavior the caregiver is that the child’s educational needs are met. relatives, or other foster care providers do likely to encounter and the parental For further information on this topic, consult need to know as much information as responses that seem to be the most helpful “Preparing the Family, the Child, and the possible regarding the reason for the child’s to the child. The child’s strengths and Foster Care Provider for Placement” in placement and the needs of the child. abilities should be shared along with any “Chapter IV: 1201 Child Placement Services” Confidential information specific to the needs. Once this information has been of the N.C. Division of Social Services family’s struggles should not be shared passed along, foster parents and caregivers Children’s Services Manual. This manual unless that information has an impact on are responsible for keeping social workers can be found online at
10 Do you have the info A Reader Asks . . . you need? How can I help while I wait A checklist of the things you should know when a child is Photo Illustration for a placement? placed in your home My husband and I are new to fostering. We’ve finished MAPP training, completed our At a foster care and adoption training, a group of homestudy, and we’re licensed, but we haven’t received a placement yet. What can we do North Carolina’s child welfare social workers were that will help us and the children in foster care while we are awaiting placement? asked to list the information foster parents needed When you first became interested in fostering, I am sure you heard how desperate North Carolina is for in order to do their jobs well. The things they licensed foster homes. While this remains true, your agency’s first priority is to find the best foster home for suggested are listed below, along with a few spaces the child, not to find a child for your home. As a result, families sometimes have to wait a while before their to add items of your own. Keep this list handy! home is good match for a child in care. Luckily, there are plenty of things you can do in the meantime that will Names. The child’s full name and any help you make a difference in the lives of children in foster care. Here are a few suggestions: nicknames he or she might use, as well as Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Agency the names of the child’s parents, relatives, Staying in touch with your agency and worker can be important steps in maintaining a successful foster home. and siblings. If you want to get a taste of fostering, offer to provide respite care. Respite care can be provided over a Agency Contact Information. DSS worker weekend, for a week, or sometimes over longer periods. name, contact information, and suggestions Talk to your worker about projects involving the children in care. Most agencies have recruiters. The as to when to contact them. recruiters have ongoing activities that they may need assistance with. They are recruiting for new foster and An explanation of why the child was adoptive parents and for local partners to provide goods and services to the children. Contact your agency’s removed from the birth parents and a recruiter to find out about upcoming events and get involved. description of how the child has been As you strengthen your relationship with your agency, your agency will become even more confident that disciplined or hurt. they can depend on you. Expected length of stay. Educate Yourself How long child has been away from birth One of the most important aspects of being a foster parent is education. You started the process by completing family. your MAPP classes. While you are waiting for a placement, take time to learn about a subject that interests you. Medical information—history, medications, Most agencies, public or private, offer ongoing training. Contact the agencies in your area to obtain a current clinical diagnoses. schedule and take advantage of them. In most cases you don’t have to be licensed by the agency to attend their School information. classes. Once you are on a mailing list or listserv you will continue to get updates about upcoming events. An assessment of the child’s language skills Remember, each foster parent must have at least 20 hours of in-service training prior to licensure renewal. and ability to communicate needs. Get Involved in Other Community Activities Religious and cultural beliefs/expectations. There are many community agencies that need good volunteers. Some require as little as one e-mail a week. Description of any behavior problems the Others require a few hours a month. Listed below are a few programs that need volunteers on a regular basis. child may have. This is not a comprehensive list. There may be more programs in your area. Information about the child’s involvement • Big Brothers/ Big Sisters. If you can commit to spending 4 hours a month with a child ages 6-18, this with school, metal health, doctors, etc. program might be for you. Online: www.bbbs.org. Interests, skills, activities. • Orphan Foundation of America. This organization has a VMentor program that pairs volunteers with an older teen through regular e-mail contact. Contact Jane O’Leary, Director of vMentor ([email protected]). Favorite and hated foods. • One Church One Child. Along with your church, you can volunteer to provide support to your local DSS. Sleeping and eating schedules. E-mail [email protected]. Fears (e.g., of dogs) and pet peeves. These are all programs that affect the lives of children in foster care. By working with them, you are continu- Clothing and dressing preferences/needs. ing your personal journey of making a difference in the lives of children in foster care. Visitation schedule. Join a Foster Parent Support Group Information about appointments and court The NC Foster and Adoptive Parent Association is a network of foster and adoptive parents with groups across reviews. the state that have meetings on at least a quarterly basis. These groups provide ongoing support and informa- tion for anyone who looks after children in foster care. If there is no group in your area, consider starting one. Transportation issues—how will the child get where he or she needs to go? Once you have a placement, you will be glad you did! Can contact the Association (e-mail: [email protected]) to find a group in your area. Your social worker is also an excellent resource for these groups. ______Review Your Plans ______Finally, if it has been a long time (more than 6 months) since you completed the requirements for licensure and you have still not been approached by your agency for a placement, spend some time reviewing the ______plans you made when you first started the process and ask yourself these questions: ______• What am I looking for in a placement? • Are we limited in the number of children we can accept? ______• Are we limiting the age range of children? ______• Are we open to children with special needs? Social workers need families that can accept and work with all of the children that come into care. The more ______ready, willing, and able you are, the more likely it is that you will have a placement sooner rather than later!
______Response by Kristin Stout of the NC Kids Adoption & Foster Care Network. If you have a question about foster care or adoption in North Carolina, send it to us using the contact information found on page 8.
11 Overcoming system failure to help youth find and sustain positive relationships by Joan McAllister Despite improvements in foster care, most of us would not want our children placed in Lisa’s Story A Case Example the custody of a county department of social This fictional case example illustrates what can go wrong when we fail to help youth services. Although foster care placement can find and sustain positive relationships be a lifeline, it can also permanently disrupt Lisa will be 18 on Monday. She because of Lisa’s “negative influence” on the younger children’s positive relationships. has been in foster care for three girls. Lisa is angry at her mom, angrier at the stepfather, Too many times, children removed from years. She was sexually abused and angriest at the DSS system. She is in the last their homes lose contact with relatives, by her stepfather. Her mother semester of her senior year. She has been offered the neighbors, school friends, teachers, pets and Photo Illustration did not believe her and stayed opportunity to remain in care on a CARS agreement others who make up the constellation of their married to the stepfather. The relationship between until she graduates, but will not consider it. Lisa and natural support networks. As these Lisa and her mother was broken beyond repair. Parental her 20-year- old boyfriend have just taken Lisa’s relationships are disrupted or broken during rights were eventually terminated. Both of Lisa’s sisters belongings from the group home where she has been the removal process, children are expected have been adopted, but visitation has been discouraged living. The couple’s whereabouts are unknown. to form new relationships in unfamiliar environments—with the foster parent, the Support Networks at Risk of transportation for the youth to return new school, the new social worker, the new For children who, like Lisa in the case home, or because they are afraid that teacher—sometimes in a new town or at least example above, are not reunified quickly, the something bad might happen. Some youth in a new part of town. These experiences damage caused by removal is often are not able to attend their home faith can have a negative impact on children’s compounded over time. Foster care social community. Some youth are not allowed to ability to form and sustain connections to workers may not be aware of the relationships work or to volunteer without overcoming family and other supportive people. that were lost and may not think to ask many behavioral and attitudinal hurdles. children about people who are or were Five Caring Adults Additional barriers are listed below. important to them. They may rely on Since 2001 the NC LINKS program has Children entering foster care often lack information in the child’s record, using other asked counties to focus on achieving seven basic personal supports; were that not true, social workers’ judgments about the outcomes for teens in foster care: many could avoid foster care placement or suitability of friends and relatives. In Lisa’s • Safe and stable housing quickly move from foster care into the home case, potentially untapped resources from her • Sufficient income to meet basic needs of a relative or another caring, responsible past include her sisters, their adoptive • Adequate educational and vocational adult. Those children who remain in foster parents, her paternal relatives, and neighbors. training to secure stable employment care through adolescence face a combination As youth remain in care, many miss out • Avoidance of high risk behaviors of factors that, if not addressed proactively, on opportunities to develop new supportive • Postponed parenthood until are likely to lead to a lack of supports upon relationships. For example, some agencies emotionally and financially prepared discharge. have policies that require criminal records • Access to medical care and use of checks before youth in custody can visit What You Can Do preventive care, and overnight with families of friends. Liability The most important thing that we can do • A personal support system of at least concerns give rise to policies that prohibit for children and youth in foster care is to five caring adults in addition to use of reasoned judgment by foster families. assure they have a consistent personal professional relationships Some agencies refuse to allow youth to support network of at least five caring adults, Evidence suggests that despite our efforts, participate in sports or other extracurricular in addition to those persons whose support there is room for improvement. For activities because there is no approved means is based on a professional cont. p. 13 example, of the 611 young adults who aged out of foster care in North Carolina in state Barriers to Building Support Networks fiscal year 2007-08, we can only be sure that 316 (52%) had a support system of at least • As a child becomes an adolescent, the biological and sociological need to become a separate, independent five caring adults at the time they left care. adult becomes stronger. Adolescents who have fragile support systems are often not interested in developing This is not acceptable. If an average group relationships with more adults, and lose some of the supports they have during this maturation process. of adults are asked how many people are in • Foster care sometimes discourages potential relationships, as in Lisa’s situation with her sisters and other their personal support system, most can list relatives. more than 40 people. • Some agency policies discourage youth from becoming involved in the very activities that can expose them It’s not that people don’t care about youth to potential supports such as sports, clubs, faith communities, school activities, and employment. These aging out of care: many family members, activities may be seen as “frills” rather than as opportunities for growth and the development of resources. friends, former foster parents, employers, • Social workers are busy people. Youth who are resistant to new relationships with adults can be difficult to teachers, coaches, and other caring adults convince and engage. Social workers underestimate the impact that they can have on youth when they would be willing to be a part of the youths’ make time to build trust. lives—if they only knew about the need. Youth in foster care need at least the same • The names of people who might become support people may be buried in the records, in the information held by the family, or in the memory of the youth. Extracting and acting on this information takes time, opportunities as others to gain the supports effort, and prioritization. Potential resources may have moved away, with current whereabouts unknown. they need to become successful adults.
12 continued from page 12 12 Skills Corner . . . relationship. If each of us makes the commitment to youth we serve to help Building Self-Esteem them to identify and strengthen these relationships, we will literally help You may recall from your pre-service training, them survive the normal crises that everyone experiences in the transition to you studied 12 skills that help foster and adoptive adulthood. parents become successful. In this edition of Fostering The following strategies are recommended to help youth build their per- Perspectives, we want to highlight one of those skills: sonal support networks: building your child’s self-esteem. It is never too late • Ask the youth the names and contact information of people with whom to build a child confidence and self-esteem. Here are they would like to re-establish or strengthen contact. With their ten ideas for you to try this month. permission, share information about potential supporters with the youth’s foster care or LINKS social worker. 1. Spend quality time with your children. This sends • Be particularly mindful of relatives and siblings as possible resources. the message that they are important and worthy. • Give the youth opportunities to invite their personal supporters to their Each child must feel special, loved, and accepted. Permanency Planning Action Team (PPAT) or case planning meetings. 2. Help them develop problem solving and decision Don’t screen anyone out unless there is a clear safety issue. Try to “screen making skills. This increases their sense of in” invitees rather than screening them out. control and is an important part of developing • Make every effort to assure that youth attend their court reviews and that self-motivation. they communicate their plans and interests to the judge. • Conduct “record mining” in your agency on the ten youth who have the 3. Avoid interrupting them when they are talking. most fragile or non-existent support networks. Talk with the youth about Allowing them to complete their thought will help names that are found that might be possible support persons. them feel that what they are saying is worth • Use both free and for-charge internet search engines to locate missing listening to. relatives and friends. Child Support Enforcement may already have access to information that could be used to locate people. LINKS Transitional 4. Ask for their help. This could be helping around Funds can be used to pay for searches for potential support persons. the house or giving back to the community. By • Keep your expectations, and those of the youth, reasonable. Your intent is allowing them to make a positive difference in to strengthen their support network, not to secure instant placement. If the lives of others, we boost their own self-worth that happens, great—but people can be supportive in many different ways. and confirm they have something valuable to offer. • Enable youth to participate in activities that will, among other things, 5. Look at how you handle your mistakes. The way expose them to caring adults. Avoid denying participation in these positive you deal with your mistakes serves as a model activities as a punishment for unrelated offenses. for how your children will respond to theirs. Do • Remember that people can and do change. Immature parents often grow you get angry, yell or depressed when you make up and may become quite capable of being an adult friend to their young a mistake? Or do you discuss what you learned adult children. Stay open to the possibilities. or how you might do things differently next time? • Accept the young person’s plans for their life and help them develop those plans while they have the resources of the agency to help process 6. Praise is a very important motivator and will what they are learning. increase the child’s confidence. Never If youth are to have the best chance of transitioning successfully from foster underestimate this simple tool—it can have a care to adulthood, DSS must make a concerted effort to assure that existing lifelong impact. relationships are maintained and strengthened throughout the youth’s time in care. We would want nothing less for our children—and these are our 7. It is never too late to start a Life Book for a child. Life Books are an effective way to build children. Joan McAllister is State Coordinator of the NC LINKS Program self-esteem and help children cope with their past Robert’s Story A Case Example and current circumstances. This fictional case example illustrates what can happen when we succeed in helping youth find and sustain positive relationships 8. Frame your requests in the positive. Rather than Robert was almost 17 when the LINKS worker asked him who saying, “Don’t leave the lights on!” say “Can you had been meaningful in his life. He mentioned foster parents help us save money on the electric bill by turning that had taken care of him when he was eight years old, people off your radio and lights before school?” who told him that they would have adopted him if they could. Photo Illustration 9. Help them use good eye contact when interacting The couple moved out of state after Robert was reunified with his family. When he with someone. When you model this behavior it re-entered foster care, he lost touch with them. With the help of the Internet, his shows them they have your full attention. social worker located the family and let them know about Robert’s situation. They had no idea he was still in foster care, and no idea that he had become available for 10. When correcting behavior, do it in private and be adoption when he was ten. They asked for a visit. LINKS funds were used to fly him sure to focus on the behavior rather than to New York. Correspondence and visits continued, and the family and Robert attacking the child’s character. This demonstrates decided adoption was still a great option. The adoption was finalized the day before and teaches the child respect. his 18th birthday. Robert is enjoying getting to know his new extended family, as Sources: Brooks, 2001; Parent Wonder, n.d. well as renewing his friendship with his older adopted brother.
13 Graduate college debt-free with NC Reach by Amanda Elder In 2007, North Carolina launched a won- works closely with them to help them develop derful new program for foster and adopted independence, sound academic and personal youth in college. The only program of its choices, and fiscal responsibility. kind in the country, NC Reach is testament vMentor to our state’s commitment to the future of NC Reach’s online mentors (vMentors) pro- all its citizens. NC Reach provides college vide personal, one-on-one, long-term sup- funding and support services to young people port and guidance. Every student is matched adopted from North Carolina DSS foster care with a mentor based on professional and after the age of 12 or who have aged out of academic interests as well as according to the system at 18. Thanks to NC Reach, these hobbies, cultural background, and even students will be able to graduate debt free spiritual attitudes. Says UNC-Wilmington from any North Carolina public community alumna Jessica, who had an online mentor college or four-year school! through OFA’s own scholarship program, “I Betsy Sioussat, whose two adopted chil- wasn’t even sure I wanted a mentor, but look- Foster care alumni attending college. Photos courtesy dren participate in the program, is effusive ing back I know I couldn’t have managed with- Orphan Foundation of America. in her praise: “Although we would have found out her advice and encouragement. When I InternAmerica a way to send our children to college no met her in person at my graduation, it was NC Reach’s InternAmerica Program places matter what, it gives me great peace of mind like seeing a long-lost friend!” to know that they are part of such a gener- summer interns in businesses, nonprofits, ous and comprehensive program.” Her chil- Care Packages and government agencies across North Caro- dren have to work fewer hours than they NC Reach students are automatically lina and in Washington, D.C. Interns receive anticipated because their tuition and books enrolled in OFA’s Care Package Program, professional coaching and attend professional are covered, and they can take advantage of receiving three care packages a year, includ- development seminars. They are supported NC Reach’s workshops and mentoring. ing a signature hand-made red scarf around with stipends and, if their internship is out- Administered by the Orphan Foundation Valentine’s Day. These packages are a potent of-state, with transportation and housing. reminder that our foster youth are part of a of America (OFA), NC Reach provides a Academic Success Program much wider community, which cares about whole system of financial, academic, and It was written into the legislation creating and encourages their hopes and dreams. personal support. Because program NC Reach that participants must be “making participants include both foster and adopted Workshops good academic progress.” Therefore, youth, the level of support can vary. Some NC Reach offers workshops on a wide array students have to maintain a 2.0 GPA on a students benefit primarily from the financial of useful and interesting subjects, includ- 4-point scale. Recognizing that some aspect; parents who adopt teenagers do not ing, “Balancing Work and School,” “How to semesters are more trying than others and have the time to put aside college funding Buy a Car,” and “Daycare Choices.” NC Reach that life’s circumstances sometimes get in but can encourage their children emotionally students must attend one workshop every the way of academics, NC Reach believes in and academically. Other young people leave semester, although they are encouraged to giving every student a second chance. The the system virtually alone, and NC Reach participate in as many as they want. Academic Success Program provides study guides, advice, and weekly encouragement NC Reach: Eligibilty, Funding, and Benefits from a personal academic coach, as well as special support from the student’s vMentor, Eligibility Requirements Benefits to any participant who falls below a 2.0 GPA. • Applicants must have aged out of North • Funding. Graduate debt-free from a community college Any student who makes below a 2.0 GPA Carolina’s DSS foster care system at age 18 or or four-year public school. two semesters in a row is suspended from have been adopted from the system after the • Mentoring. Be matched with a volunteer online mentor NC Reach funding for one full year. age of 12. (vMentor) based on professional/academic/personal NC Reach is nurturing a new generation • Applicants must be considered residents of interests and goals. of upstanding, contributing members of North Carolina for tuition purposes. • Workshops. You must attend at least one workshop every society. NC Reach works to ensure that • Applicants must attend a North Carolina state semester. Topics relate to school, work, and home life. students not only attend school, but graduate university or community college. For a list of • Academic Support. Participants are coached by mentors, with degrees that enable them to get good eligible schools, visit www.northcarolina.edu. NC Reach staff; if they fall below a 2.0 GPA they are jobs. Innovative and far-reaching, NC Reach • Participants must maintain a 2.0 GPA on a four- enrolled in a program for intensive academic support. may be the harbinger of similar programs point scale and be making “satisfactory progress” • Internships. Participants are eligible for paid, supported in other states. towards a degree. summer internships across NC and in Washington DC. As Blue Ridge Community College student Joseph said, “NC Reach has opened my eyes Funding Process • Care Packages. Receive three care packages a year, including the signature Red Scarf Valentine’s Day to possibilities I never even dreamed of. I NC Reach funding is “last dollar,” up to the full now have faith in my own future and know cost of attendance at the student’s school. The package. that with support I’ll succeed no matter what following are applied before NC Reach funds are • Administrative support. Participants are supported by obstacles I have to overcome.” awarded: Pell Grants, Education and Training NC Reach’s highly trained administrative staff, who help Voucher (ETV) funding, federal work study, private guide them from incoming freshman to graduating senior. For further information or to enroll, visit www.ncreach.org or contact Amanda Elder, NC Reach Program Manager, at grants and scholarships. 1-800-585-6112 or [email protected].
14 There are children in foster care awaiting adoption On April 30, 2008 there were 10,530 out. The box at right describes Successful Adoptions children in DSS custody in North Behind the some of the traits that researchers Carolina. Of these children, 982 (9%) numbers are have identified in families who Many things contribute to successful foster parent were legally free for adoption and children with successfully adopt children from adoptions. One of the most important is the adoptive waiting for a family. unique faces and foster care. family itself. According to the National Resource hearts, histories Center for Family-Centered Practice and Permanency Who Are These Children? What You Can Do Planning (n.d.) resource families that successfully adopt and dreams. Of the children awaiting adoption at If you are a foster parent who is children from foster care: the end of April, nearly half (42%) not in a position to adopt, you can • Like to give and help were teenagers. Of the rest, children from still help. Your knowledge, experience, and the • Are satisfied with their lives infancy to age 5 made up 24%, while those commitment you have shown to children can • Are resourceful between the ages of 6 and 12 made up 34%. make you a powerful, persuasive adoption • Are tolerant of loss, anxiety, and ambiguity The racial composition of this group of advocate. Here are a few simple steps you can • Have a sense of humor waiting children was as follows: 46% White, take right now: • Are involved with the child in the community 42% African-American, 5% Hispanic/Latino, • Tell your social worker you are looking Furthermore, researchers who studied foster/adoptive and 1% American Indian (NCDSS, 2008). for ways to help find permanent families families in the early 1980s found that families who Seeing Beyond the Numbers for children who need them. successfully adopted the children in their care had • Learn all you can about adoption—a good Of course, children waiting to be adopted aren’t the following characteristics (Meezan & Shireman, advocate is well informed. numbers. They are individuals with unique 1985b): • Don’t be shy—initiate contact. Ask faces and hearts, histories and dreams. You can • They expected the children would be placed long- members of your family and see this in the profiles in the box below, and in term and had the children in their home for a longer neighborhood if they know anyone the descriptions of waiting children featured on period of time than foster parents who did not interested in adoption. Make people aware North Carolina’s adoption photolisting web site choose to adopt. of the need for adoptive families.
Meet Tyquan and Ty’Darius... Tyquan and Ty’Darius are typical boys with a typical sibling relationship. They laugh, travel to the beach and amusement parks with joke, wrestle, and blame each other when something goes wrong. They love his brother and foster family. Ty’Darius loves attending church and singing in the choir. Their foster parents are fabulous singers playing with his toys, his cars, and the and often lead songs in church. Tyquan and Ty’Darius enjoy pretending they are motorized fire truck. He attends a local daycare singing like them. center where he struggles with structured A Closer Look at Tyquan... activities in which he must sit for extended Tyquan is an adorable, easygoing, and playful little boy. He has wonderful manners periods of time. Ty’Darius requires concrete and is very polite. Tyquan loves to laugh and giggle to show off his big, wide smile instructions along with clear rules and created by his missing four front teeth. He gets along well with everyone and has expectations. He receives speech/language therapy to help improve his articulation lots of friends. Tyquan recently finished playing on a local tag football team and is and to express himself consistently and appropriately. Counseling is helping Ty’Darius extremely proud that he was the only boy who made any touchdowns. He also work through his feelings of loss and grief, give him appropriate coping skills, and likes to play outside with Ty’Darius and the neighborhood children. Tyquan enjoys learn acceptable methods of expressing his frustration. Born: Dec. 19, 2003. riding his bike or his motorized fire truck, playing on the computer, and watching A Family for Tyquan and Ty’Darius... TV. He attends regular classes at school where he enjoys learning new things and is Tyquan and Ty’Darius have done very well with a family that provides them with especially good at math. Tyquan recently received a Handwriting Certificate for simple concrete instructions, clear rules and expectations, consistency, structure, Best Handwriting. He is a very good student. Counseling is helping Tyquan address and lot of love and attention. An adoptive family must be able to continue this type his feelings of grief and loss, as well as developing coping skills. Born: Aug. 1, 2001. of environment for these boys to continue to be successful. (NC #092-3000) (NC A Closer Look at Ty’Darius... #092-3001) Ty’Darius is a cute, affectionate, outspoken, and active child. He is a bright little boy who loves to laugh and play with other children and generally gets along well For more information on these children or adoption in general, call with them. Ty’Darius enjoys going on community outings with his church’s youth the NC Kids Adoption and Foster Care Network at 1-877-NCKIDS-1
15 Get in-service training credit Writing Contest for reading this newsletter!
If you are under 18 and are or have been Enjoy reading Fostering Perspectives and earn credit toward your relicensure. Just write down the answers to the questions below and in foster care, please send us a letter or present them to your social worker. If your answers are satisfactory, you’ll short essay in response to the following: receive 30 minutes of credit toward your training requirement. Questions about this method of gaining in-service credit? Contact the NC Division Imagine that you are about of Social Services at 919/334-1172. to go to a new foster care In-Service Quiz, FP v13#1 FIRST PRIZE: $100 1. Name two things you personally can do to help teens in foster care placement. What are the who are in need of a foster family. SECOND PRIZE: $50 things you’d like to know 2. Why are children sometimes reluctant to reveal that they have been THIRD PRIZE: $25 sexually abused? ahead of time about the 3. What are the three stages of birth parent grief Donna Foster talks home and the family you’ll about in her article? 4. Name two things that foster parents can do at each of these three be placed with? stages to engage, motivate, and support birth parents. 5. What did Lynne Miller’s child’s foster mother do to help her get her Deadline: February 5, 2009 son back? 6. What advice do the young people who participated in this issue’s E-mail submissions to [email protected] or mail writing contest have for foster parents who are reluctant to care for them to: Fostering Perspectives, NC Division of Social Services, teens? 1459 Sand Hill Rd., No. 6 (DSS), Candler, NC 28715. Include your 7. Name four things the youth advocacy group SaySo will do in 2009. name, age, address, social security number (used to process awards only, confidentiality will be protected) and phone number. In 8. Who is eligible to participate in the NC Reach Program? What are addition to receiving the awards specified above, winners will have the benefits of this innovative program? their work published in the next issue. Runners-up may also have 9. Name four things foster parents who do not currently have children their work published, for which they will also receive a cash award. placed in their homes can do to make a difference in the lives of children. We’re Also Seeking Artwork and Other Writing Submissions 10. Why is it important for young adults who are “graduating” from foster Submissions can be on any theme. The submission requirements care to have a personal support system of at least five caring adults in described above apply. addition to professional relationships?
How Do You Know You Are a Foster Parent? U.S. PAID ORG. • You open your home and heart 24 hours a day POSTAGE NONPROFIT to children you haven't even met.
PAID • You know your family will grieve as children
PERMIT 177 enter and leave your home, but having the U.S. POSTAGE
CHAPEL HILL, NC children in your lives is worth it. NONPROFIT ORG. • Though you realize you can't heal the child's pain, you strive to be a part of the healing. • You volunteer all of your love even when sometimes children and their families can't accept it. • You see the strengths in children when others see their weaknesses. • You know others may not understand your choice to foster and may even avoid your family. Lost friendships are missed, but to you fostering is worth it. • Your inner faith is enhanced as you see children grow and flourish. Even the slightest smile of a child is a victory. Their small steps are major successes. • You understand and aid a child returning home to a healthier family. You do what you can, even if you may not agree with the decision. You understand most of us want to be with our own families. • Material wealth isn't important to you. You choose to live with less to be able to give more. • You are humble to the praises of others for what you are doing because you feel this is what we all should be doing. It is your normal way of life. • You learn from your mistakes and strive to do the best you can. • You record your children's lives through Life Books, journals, and files because you know for confused children, you are the one to help them make sense of their lives. They can count on you. You are the "memory keeper." • Your arms never closed to a child and your heart holds them forever. by Donna Foster and Joanne Scaturro Jordan Institute for Families UNC School of Social Work Campus Box #3550 Chapel Hill, NC 27599-3550