You’re going to need a lot of patience Change can take a long time

SABB INTERVIEWS PAGE 6 “Keep the Cat Free” ISSUE 1482 FELIX 11.02.11 The student voicece mperiam LoLo ono since 1949

Hamish Muir £940 COMMENT million cut in funding It’s high time that Universities Mubarak got a life: Page 16 hit by huge reductions in 2011/12, plus ARTS additional cuts this year

Sophia David

University funding for teaching and re- search is to be cut by £940 million for THE FELIX Looking for a good the 2011-12 academic year, a decision described as “a challenging fi nancial workout? Try pole settlement” by the chief executive of the Higher Education Funding Council dancing: Page 23 for England (Hefce) which announced the cuts last week. Universities will also SEX SURVEY receive £190m less than they had antici- pated for this academic year (2010-11), as an in-year cut is announced for the TRAVEL fi rst time. PAGE 24 Hefce, which funds universities on ...Continued on Page 3

Umair Aasem group on fees was leaked. The report as- favour of higher education spending serts that it would be ‘fi scally irresponsi- cuts last year, it was made clear in the Oxbridge The University of Cambridge has be- ble’ for the University to charge any less House of Commons that Universities come the country’s fi rst university to than the maximum £9,000 and insists would only be allowed to charge £9,000 publicly acknowledge plans to charge that even at this fee level, the institution under ‘exceptional circumstances’. Nat- Don’t go on holiday aim for students the maximum fee level al- might experience fi nancial predicaments urally, after reviewing this, the fi ndings lowed, starting 2012. as the university would be ‘carrying the of the report have come as a big shock with your girlfriend, The revelations became public after an burden of a signifi cant loss per student’. to many as they make it ruthlessly plain seriously: Page 36 £9,000 fees internal report by Cambridge’s working Prior to the MPs’ decision to vote in ...Continued on Page 4 2 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX HIGHLIGHTS On campus Felix JCR Stall Union Notice Carbon Footprint Challenge Sabbatical Elections!

In connection with EcoTeams, the Energy Society is challenging College members to track and reduce their carbon footprints. The initiative aims to encourage people to think creatively about reducing theirs. They are launching the initiative with a Speed Dating event. Contact Tamaryn Brown – tamaryn. [email protected] – for more information. Grantham Institute Nominations open on Tuesday 14 February 17:30 Oh good god! It’s so close!!! (Or if you’re reading this on Wednesday – shame on you – it’s already started!). That’s right, the Sabbatical and Trustee elections for Free Wushu Taster Class Imperial College Union kick off on the 15th of February when nominations fi nally open and would-be candidates The Wushu Society reveal themselves. The positions up for grabs include are offering a free Deputy Presidents for Finance & Services, Clubs & Soci- taster class for anyone I’m not trying to say that the Felix JCR Stall is so unattended that one eties, Welfare and Education as well as Felix Editor and interested in trying out expects a tumbleweed to roll past, I’m saying that the Dust Bowl period fi nally, President. Wushu (Chinese Martial in the U.S. in the 30s was deeply damaging to farmers there... See Page 6 for interviews with Deputy President (Fi- Arts) to improve their nances & Services) Ravi Pall and Deputy President fitness, health and (Clubs & Societies) Heather Jones. to be able to say that Each and every Monday lunchtime, we Also, check out the new elections website at imperial- you do Martial Arts. collegeunion.org/elections Email the society at roll up the Felix banner and head over to [email protected] for more information about the JCR for the Felix stall, from 12–12:30. getting involved. The point of doing this is to try and open Lolcat of teh week Union Building, 3rd Floor (Gym) up this newspaper to as many students 15 February 18:00-20:00 as possible. If emails aren’t your thing, or coming to the offi ce seems intimidating, Lunchtime concert you can come and speak to the Editor,

Conflagration seems to follow this Alvin Moisey. He in person, about anything you wish. If performed on the Israeli-Lebanese border during a Hezbollah rocket attack, appeared on Kuwaiti TV as something in the paper has annoyed you, if his hotel was being requisitioned by the US military for the invasion of Iraq and found his performance with you would like to contribute in any way or if the Royal Oman Symphony clashing with a scheduled coup attempt in Muscat. The concert is open to one you’ve got an idea for story or way we could and all first come, first served. Contact Andrea Rob- make Felix more enjoyable, please, come ins – [email protected] – for more information. along and tell us. We’re always keen to get Sherfield Building, Read Theatre new students on-board and to hear your 17 February 13:00-13:45 feedback.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, Northcliffe House, Meadow Road, Derby. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. FELIX Copyright © Felix 2011.

Editor-in-Chief Kadhim Shubber Deputy Editor Gilead Amit Copy Chief Lizzy Griffiths Assistant Editor Dan Wan News Editors Alex Karapetian Matt Colvin Reporters Katherine Bettany Charles Betts Sophia David Maciej Matuszewski Deepka Rana Aemun Reza Ian Wei Umair Aasem Design Editor Veronika McQuadeova Features Editor Lizzie Crouch Sports Editors Jovan Nedic David Wilson Science Editors Kelly Oakes Charlie Harvey Business Editors Sina Ataherian Afonso Campos Politics Editors James Lees Rory Fenton Rajat Jain Technology Editor Samuel Gibbs Feroz Salam Comment Editor Anna Perman Jan Piotrowski Arts Editor Rox Middleton Music Editors Greg Power Christopher Walmsley Luke Turner Film Editors Jade Hoffman Ed Knock TV Editors Matt Allinson Veronika McQuadeova Food Editors Dana Li Vicky Jeyaprakash Fashion Editor Saskia Verhagen Games Editor Simon Worthington Clubs & Societies Editor Roland Sookias Online Editors Niharika Midha Dakshaa Rai Ravi Pall Chris Birkett Jonathan Kim International Editor Kenneth Lee Puzzles Captains Polly Bennett James Hook Aman Nahar Photo Editor Thomas Welch Travel Editors Chris Richardson Copy Editors Alex Nowbar Hannah Thomas Sharanya Subbu Ritika Gupta Zainab Ali Joe Marinelli Shruti Mishra Sophia Man Illustrators Hamish Muir Benjamin Kennedy Amanda Diez Joshua Yerrell FELIX Friday 11 february 2011 3 NEWS £940 million cut to funding Funding Council reveals almost £1 billion cut to university budgets in 2011/12

Executive of Hefce, said that the Board April and July 2011. contribution”. £190m additional cut “welcomed the decision of the govern- Langlands said, “we are attempting as Gareth Thomas, Labour’s shadow ment to ring fence and maintain in cash far as possible to support a smooth tran- Universities Minister said, “the decision this academic year terms the overall funding provided by sition for all institutions to the new stu- to cut so much from university teaching the Department for Business, Innova- dent fi nance and funding arrangements budgets, the massive cut to capital fund- Sophia David tion and Skills (BIS) for science and which will take place in the academic ing and then to load the cost on to the research”. Therefore, it is likely that Im- year 2012-13. Universities have antici- next generation of students by trebling ...Continued from Front Page perial, being primarily a science insti- pated the challenges ahead and many tuition fees is unfair, unnecessary and behalf of the government, has allocated tution, will not experience funding cuts have already taken diffi cult decisions to unsustainable”. £6,507m for the 2011-2012 academic as drastic as other humanities-focused reduce their costs.” Meanwhile, aside from the funding year, covering teaching, research and universities. David Willetts supported the funding cuts, the Hefce has set up a £12.5m building among other areas. The teach- The Hefce Board have indicated that announcements and called on univer- fund to support the development of ing budget is to be reduced by £180m the quality of research will be a key de- sities to adapt to what he called “the cloud computing on hosted systems by to £4.3bn and the research grant by terminant in the allocation of research different environment” that they now universities. They have used part of the £17.4m to £1.6bn. £223m has been al- funding to a university: “Funding is fi nd themselves in: “It is essential that University Modernisation Fund to make located to capital projects, such as new being allocated more selectively by pri- universities move quickly to prepare for £10m available for developing a shared buildings, a 58% reduction from the oritising internationally excellent and the different environment in which they IT infrastructure and £2.5m for setting previous year. The cuts come as the world leading research.” will operate in future years, striving to up shared services for administration. government makes savings across all £150m for the Higher Education In- Universities Minister David Wil- meet the aspirations of students for high The programme is aimed at improving departments, a strategy aimed at reduc- novation Fund (HEIF), enabling uni- letts has called on universities to quality teaching. As well as benefi ting effi ciency in higher education. ing the UK’s large budget defi cit. versities and businesses to work more adapt to the new environment of from investment in student support, the David Sweeney, Hefce’s director of higher education funding Whilst the Universities Minister, Da- closely together, is also being main- higher education sector will continue to research, innovation and skills, said, vid Willetts, has called for the teaching tained in cash terms. Langlands also benefi t from sustained ring-fenced in- “At a time of pressure on university re- budget to be protected as far as possible, said that this HEIF would be allocated vestment in science and research.” sources, it is critical that technology is he acknowledged, “higher education, among the “most effective performers”. Skills grant announcement for 2011-12 Meanwhile, Paul Marshall, Director used in a collaborative and cost-effec- like other areas of public spending, has The Hefce has also detailed reduc- relates to the fi nancial year (1 April to of the 1994 Group which represents tive way, to deliver services that will had to take its share of savings.” tions in funding for the current aca- 31 March), therefore affecting funding small, research-intensive universities, benefi t the sector. Cloud computing has Imperial will not learn of its exact demic year 2010-11, the fi rst time such for the fi nal four months of the 2010-11 warned that universities were facing the potential to do this in ways which funding until next month when grants changes have been implemented part academic year. The funding cuts will be a tough future: “the sweeping funding will serve the academic community to individual institutions are decided. way through. This is because the De- implemented through Hefce’s monthly cuts show that universities will need leading to improvements in research, However, Sir Alan Langlands, Chief partment for Business, Innovation and grant payments to institutions between to work harder than ever to make their teaching and administration.” PhD funding woes hit Business School As more issues with PhD funding arise, Union asks students to check their accounts

Imperial College London Alex Karapetian approached the department which was temporary contract in order to assume The mismatch in the terms outlined later convinced to draw up contracts for teaching related responsibilities. The in the new contracts surprised the af- A group of fi ve PhD students have ex- the PhD GTAs. scheme is a valuable career step for an fected students with what appeared to pressed complaints after they encoun- The contracts included terms start- aspiring academic and responsibilities be unfairness considering both contracts tered issues with funding from the Im- ing October 2010 which detailed the are split up into contact hours which in- had been drafted and signed at the same perial College Business School. The £16,000 bursary with the expected six volve teaching, assisting in tutorials, etc time, with different sets of conditions students, ranging from second to third hours teaching time plus nine hours non- and non-contact hours such as marking for students on the same scholarship years on the Graduate Teaching Assis- contact time such as marking. The issue coursework or setting questions. in the same department. A number of tant (GTA) scholarship scheme com- arose after the students signed the con- Professor David Begg, Principal of postgraduate funding issues have arisen plained that they were expected to per- tract and later realised the one drawn up the Business School, has described the over the current academic year, notably form teaching as part of their contract for fi rst years starting in October 2010 Business School’s courses as “taking the the confusion surrounding student fund- while fi rst years have no such condition was for a bursary of the same amount best strategies from around the world’’ ing in the Department of Electrical and in the terms, therefore allowing them to but with no expectation of teaching and “combining them with ground Electronic Engineering, where payment earn more money for doing so. time. This meant that while those who’d breaking research […] to equip our stu- was not given to students who complete The GTA scheme, which offers a bur- signed the contract for second and third dents with the knowledge and the con- additional duties alongside their work. sary of £16,000 and has an expectation years were expected to teach as part of fi dence they need to be key players in The Department of Aeronautics were of six hours of teaching per week, had no the terms, fi rst years were able to earn the new global economy”. Formerly the also criticised for cutting eleven PhD offi cial contract until last year. Students extra money by putting in hours which Tanaka Business School, it offers man- students’ monthly bursary payments were considering whether the hours they were not expected of them. agement modules in accordance towards without warning. The Business School worked exceeded the expectation and The Graduate Teaching Assistant some degrees taken by Imperial College declined to comment on the issue. It is felt they were working far more than scheme offered by the Imperial College students and separate fi nance, risk man- understood that the Union are actively six hours per week performing other Business School involves postgraduate agement and research courses for post- encouraging PhD students from all de- teaching duties. The students therefore students undergoing employment on a graduates. partments to double check their funding. Mmm, jaunty angle... *drools 4 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX

News Editors: Matt Colvin Alex Karapetian NEWS [email protected] Summer PhD Placement Union: Minimum English requirement should rise The Union’s response to the visa consultation in detail

Matt Colvin national Offi ce for College’s views.” arguing that “this leaves international students “We then brought our submission to Union with four months in which to fi nd work, which Imperial College Union has revealed its re- Council, where it was discussed, amended and we think is unacceptable.” sponse to the government’s student visa con- passed.” Regarding the proposal that recommends sultation with a mixed response to the suggest- Students were encouraged by the Union to students to return home in order to apply for ed proposals. fi ll out the consultation submission as indi- other courses, Ivison argues that, “doing so As reported last week, the 31st of January viduals, with the form existing as a free online would potentially incur signifi cant personal Opportunities for Imperial’s PhD students to get a saw the end of the consultation period for the survey, alongside Damian Green’s encouraging expenditure, deterring would be applicants, as taste of studying on the other side of the world are review of the United Kingdom’s student im- response “from a wide range of people” dur- well as being incredibly wasteful.” available at the upcoming International RSD Sum- migration system. Launched by immigration ing a speech to the House of Commons at the “We disagree with the proposal that if stu- mer School and Research Placements. minister Damian Green on the 7th of December launch of the consultation. dents want to remain in the country to study Taking place in Singapore and Hong Kong, the two 2010, the public consultation aimed to receive Among the proposals that the Union agreed an additional course after their fi rst one, that four week programmes consist of a four-day trans- opinions on several proposals put forward with include the suggestion that the minimum they should have to provide evidence of aca- ferable skills course, followed by a three week re- about the reform of the ‘Tier 4’ visa – or the English requirement should be raised and that demic progression, as this would limit those search placement at some of Asia’s most prominent international entry route to study in the UK. highly accredited sponsor institutions should who choose to swap degrees or do a second, universities. Green explained the motivation behind such be allowed to offer below degree level courses, unrelated degree.” The idea of the programmes is to help students proposals to the House of Commons in De- but the Union also offers its own suggestion Another contentious issue was that of stu- gain valuable skills for their PhD, learning how to cember: “The government is committed to that ‘these institutions should be given 1-2 dents being required to prove academic pro- manage their research projects effectively, build in- minimising abuse of the student route by those years to become highly accredited.’ gression in order to take further courses, with tercultural awareness, succeed in collaborative re- whose primary motivation is not to study but Information from the Home Offi ce provides Ivison pronouncing that “this doesn’t allow for search and build successful working relationships, to work and settle in the UK.” This followed details on the Government’s proposed mini- students wishing to take courses at the same all in an international environment. The placements the Home Offi ce publishing statistics which mum level of English, B2. This ‘upper inter- level – switching courses or taking a second provide an experience of university life elsewhere state that 41% of students coming through the mediate level’ of English requires the learner BSc for example.” and students get involved with a series of challeng- Tier 4 route were studying below degree level to be conversant on a wider range of topics and Whatever the Union’s response, or indeed es in a new and exciting social setting. This year, courses. equates to approximately 150 more hours of any of the 30,000 other replies to the consulta- students from Imperial, NUS, NTU and A*STAR will The Union’s submission to the visa consul- study than the lower level in place currently; tion, the fate of student visas now lies in the be participating in Singapore, and students from Im- tation was formed by a group of student rep- B1, which focuses on understanding public an- hands of the government. With the results of perial, HKU and Shanghai Jiao Tong University will be resentatives – including Union President Alex nouncements and instructions. the consultation expected to be released in taking part in Hong Kong. Working in small groups, Kendall, Deputy President (Welfare) Charlotte However, the Union found fault with sev- April, it won’t be long before international stu- participants get to share ideas and practices: it’s a Ivison and Deputy President (Education) Alex eral of the government’s proposals. Charlotte dents discover whether the process for study- great networking opportunity. Dahinten. Ivison explained to Felix how the Ivison explained to Felix the reasoning behind ing in the UK will be helped or hindered. Tomasz Cwik, a 2nd year PhD student, in the Aero- process was carried out: “We had a number of particularly disagreeing with the suggested clo- nautics department, took part in last year’s pro- meetings where we read through the consulta- sure of the Post Study Work route, which cur- “Deterring Internationals” – Page 6. Ksenia gramme. “It was very interesting to interact with the tion documents and discussed how we thought rently allows students to stay for 2 years after Rostislavleva argues that the government’s local students, getting an understanding of why this we should respond, and we talked to the Inter- their course in order to fi nd skilled work, by visa proposals risk catastrophe. part of the world looks how it looks, and experienc- ing their lifestyle for a couple of weeks.” “The group became good friends and we spent a lot of time together. During the day we worked on our individual research, while in the evenings we ate different kinds of food and chilled together.” £3,000 reduction for poor students “The course was also a great opportunity for es- tablishing useful research contacts at other univer- sities. You should not hesitate to sign up!” Umair Aasem dent’s comments, when questioned about Cam- £25,000 to £42,000. Fatma Dogan, a 2nd year Chemistry student who bridge’s decisions. With the deadline (31st march) for submis- took part last year, said: “I hadn’t been to Asia be- ...Continued from Front Page “It comes as absolutely no surprise that Cam- sion of Universities’ 2012 fee structures loom- fore, so it was also a really good opportunity for me that Cambridge intends to make the £9,000 bridge University intends to charge students ing close, it is expected that many Universi- to meet with Asian students: Singaporeans, Chi- fee grade the norm: “The level of tuition fee the maximum amount it is permitted to [...] We ties will follow Cambridge’s footsteps and nese, people I wouldn’t have met otherwise. It cre- charged from 2012 entry should be the maxi- can now expect a race to the top as universi- announce their fee decisions in the coming ates a global scientifi c network.” mum permissible, i.e. £9,000 per annum with ties rush to gain kudos by joining the ‘£9,000 weeks. Oxford University have also initiated “We discussed our projects with others from dif- any subsequent adjustment for infl ationary in- group’ as quickly as possible. How long before their fee-fi xing process this past week by or- ferent fi elds: it was interesting because you had a creases.” the most expensive universities start asking for ganising a debate between academics and the banker and a marine biologist working together! It The University’s line of defence is also of the freedom to charge even more?” University governing body and have hinted broadens your horizons and makes you realise that particular interest as it rationalises that set- To counter the inevitable problem of students that they will opt for the maximum as well. you can collaborate with others no matter their fi eld tling for lower fees might risk putting Cam- belonging from poor backgrounds being ‘put As expected, the situation has resulted in is.”The opportunities are open to all students in the bridge’s reputation in jeopardy as this “might off’ from applying, Cambridge has announced growing tensions and an exponential increase fi rst 18 months of their PhD who have not attended raise questions about our commitment to excel- its own fee waiver and bursary plans, accord- in the amount of parents expressing their con- the Graduate Schools RSD course. lence since a reduced fee in the long term could ing to which students belonging to households cerns over their children’s future. A recent only be sustained by reducing costs and hence with an annual income of less than £25,000 survey conducted on a total of 3000 people For more information and to apply, please see: quality” . The report further justifi es its deci- would be offered a £3,000 fee reduction, hence by ING Direct found that up to 10% had in- www.imperial.ac.uk/international/students/inter- sion by stating that it expects ‘most, if not all’ resulting in a net £6000 fee per annum. A bur- creased the amount they were saving for their nationalopportunities/summerschools2 other universities to follow Cambridge’s lead. sary of £1,625 has also been declared which children’s University expenses, with a further This statement also happens to be in perfect would proportionally decrease and taper down 13% going as far as setting up a ‘University coherence with Aaron Porter, the NUS Presi- to zero as household income increases from fund’. THE DAILY FELIX 24 Pages. Every Day. THREE WEEKS TO GO

28th February – 4th March 6 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX

News Editors: Matt Colvin Alex Karapetian ELECTIONS [email protected] You’re going to need a lot of patience With elections starting on Tuesday, Felix talks to the Sabbs about their experiences

Heather Jones Ravi Pall Deputy President Deputy President (Clubs & Societies) (Finances & Services)

Look at how happy she is to be interviewed “Hahaha, what money?”

hat has been your biggest “It often requires a lot of hat has been your biggest “The key is to stay focused challenge? challenge? The most obvious challenge patience and being able to The biggest challenge in my on the bigger picture. If for the Deputy President role is defi nitely the constant (Clubs & Societies) is Fresh- multi-task is pretty useful. battle to provide students with you get bogged down in Wers’ Fair but actually since it didn’t rain it wasn’t Wall the services they want. It’s tough to not be able anywhere near as stressful as it might have been. That said, it’s amazingly re- to cater for everyone, or when you put plans in petty issues, you can miss I personally didn’t really like doing the talk to all place to do so, it takes time to mature. Ultimately, the Club Chairs the previous day, as it was cer- warding and challenging.” I’ve realised that it’s not possible to please every- important milestones” tainly the most people I’d ever spoken to in front one, but the best that you can do is try and be fair to of at the same time! as many people as possible.

What is an average day like? What is your biggest regret so far? What is an average day like? which are here to improve the student experience. I get in at or before 10 and spend at least the fi rst I really do regret that I forgot to put giant maps up I get to the offi ce at either 9am or 10am, depending hour sorting out e-mail, though this varies day to at Freshers’ Fair, there were still plenty of maps on how busy my day is. Mondays and Tuesdays Do you have any advice for anyone considering day. Sometimes I get less than 30 e-mails over- but it was frustrating as it was something I’d meant tend to be the busiest as I’ve got quite a few meet- running for your position? night, on a Monday morning it can be well over to do and then forgot! Generally any time I forget ings and obviously I’m constantly dealing with If you’re thinking of running for Deputy President 100 though, I think I once received 300 e-mails to deal with a student’s problem, or I could have day-to-day issues with services in the Union and (Finance & Services), I would talk to Club chairs over a weekend! I’ll generally have 2 or 3 meet- solved it but didn’t get round to it in time. Those also fi nancial issues with Clubs & Societies. There and treasurers, and learn how the union fi nance ings a day which can be with Union staff, with kinds of things make me pretty depressed. are a lot of forms to sign and regular meetings I at- system works. The more experience you can get students or with College depending on what I’m tend to help steer the Union’s customer service, and and the more you can prepare yourself, the better. working on and the rest of the time I’ll try and Do you have any advice for anyone considering various internal projects. The system can be a bit daunting at a fi rst glance, keep up with all the e-mail/phone calls coming in running for your position? but once you understand it, it’s very easy and ef- as well as getting on with some more long-term It’s a pretty high stress position. You often have to What have you enjoyed most about your job? fi cient. I would also advise going over to the Reyn- projects. I try not to leave at the end of the day work very long hours so you need to be comfort- The thing that I’ve enjoyed most this year is the olds building on Charing Cross campus. It’s one of until I have fewer than 30 fl agged e-mails left as I able with that and also get used to the idea that the launch of Metric and FiveSixEight. The Union has ICU’s commercial outlets, and has in the past been don’t like keeping people waiting but sometimes Union will steal your life; it will almost certainly changed so dramatically since I was a 1st year and overlooked. It really does help if you can talk to as it’s just not possible! take over large parts of your social life. Also, it of- being able to contribute to that positive change has many students who are active in the Union’s op- ten requires a LOT of patience and being able to been really fun. I’m really proud to be a part of the erations to get a better understanding of the culture What do you enjoy most about your job? multi-task is pretty useful. That said, it’s amazingly beginning of what is sure to be an incredible next and procedures involved. It sounds really cheesy and cliched but it’s defi - rewarding and challenging. few years with regards to our commercial services. nitely the sense of satisfaction from knowing that All these venues are sure to play a key role in our Have you delivered your manifesto promises? in some small, or not so small way, you’ve made Have you delivered your manifesto promises? plans for the Summer Ball 2011. I promised quite a lot of things and I think I have a real difference to people’s lives every single day. Some but not all of them, however at the same time delivered on most of them. Of course, I can’t take It’s also great to be thanked which happens pleas- I think I made the best decisions for clubs – mani- What have you enjoyed least? all the credit for those, the Union has been improv- antly often. The other fun part is getting to have festos shouldn’t be set in stone. The two major I guess it’s the fl ip-side of that same coin. The de- ing on so many fronts over previous years and ob- really interesting discussions with people in Col- promises I didn’t keep were a) a buddy system for lays and hiccups with the club and bar were really viously Metric and FiveSixEight were begun be- lege about why things are done in a particular way struggling clubs – which when I asked clubs about frustrating. Mostly because there’s a limit to what fore I was a sabb. But the only promise that I think and how to get the best deal for students – on the they overwhelmingly said they wouldn’t fi nd use- you can do when, for example, you fi nd asbestos. I haven’t managed to deliver is a cashless payment whole College are happy to help but often don’t ful, and b) searchable inventories which has been But I think in the grand scheme of things, they system for the bars; it turned out to be unworkable. know how! put on hold to allow an online club fi nance system were just little road-bumps. We’ve picked up well to be developed, something that the Clubs & Soci- since the launch, and are in fact doing better than What will be the most important challenge for What do you enjoy least? eties Board said would be much more helpful for we originally thought. your successor? There are some pretty tedious parts of the job. The club offi cers. I think that my successor has to ensure that Metric 100th time you’ve answered the same question re- What is your biggest regret so far? and FiveSixEight remain responsive to the needs quires a lot of patience and you have to tell your- What will be the most important challenge for I’m not sure if I would call it a regret, but I wish I of students. We need to keep helping Clubs & So- self that they wouldn’t ask if it was clear so making your successor? had known how long it takes to get things changed cieties put on nights in Metric and make sure that it clearer for everyone should be your main prior- I would say it’s whatever they make it; everyone around the Union. Sometimes is can be quite de- we don’t let the time, effort and money invested in ity. Also room booking approval can be a fairly comes to the role wanting to achieve something moralising when you come into work and you are the refurbishment go to waste. They also need to dull process but again, it’s important for someone different. I guess if there is anything then perhaps faced with the same issues as a few weeks ago. The continue the work that has begun to revolutionise to have oversight over what’s going on so it’s im- they’ll have to fi nally work out a fairer system for key is to stay focused on the bigger picture. If you our club fi nance system. It’s a big task and we’re portant to mix it in with the more fun stuff to stop booking rooms as we’re getting to the point where get bogged down in petty issues, you can miss im- reaching the end of it but it will fall to my succes- yourself getting frustrated. saturation of certain space types is occurring. portant milestones in the projects you have started sor to follow it through to the very end. FELIX Friday 11 february 2011 7 FEATURE Deterring Internationals The Government’s visa proposals risk catasrophe argues Ksenia Rostislavleva

ant.photos/flickr n January 26th, a press- conference focused on the international student migration regulations was held in the Queen OElizabeth II Conference Center. The speakers included Tony Millns (English UK), Aaron Porter (National Union of Students), Dominic Scott (Universities and Colleges Information Systems As- All of these changes sociation), Susan Hindley (Study UK), Nicola Dandridge (Universities UK) and make international Professor Edward Acton (University of East Anglia). students feel Major education sector stakeholders highly object to new visa proposals that extremely unsure of include raising the minimum level of English profi ciency required for entry, their future and very limiting opportunities for work expe- rience and part time work for students unwelcome in the and total abolishment of Post-Study “ Work Route. Those changes could have Visa restrictions could deter international students, to the detriment of the UK’s higher education system United Kingdom “catastrophic effects on universities” that could potentially “…make home fees matter slightly fade from the central 50% of the total international students their studies in the UK with a Masters or students are not economical migrants does not understand the consequences stage…” recruited by universities, do not have a PhD now feel they need to search for but merely a transient population, with of these changes to student visas. The 8 International education is a key the required English level). Other pro- a more stable and trustworthy environ- approximately equal number of stu- week consultation period ended January growth sector of the British economy, posals include limitations to students’ ment in other countries. dents coming and leaving each year. 31st and received more than 30,000 re- contributing almost 5 billion pounds a rights to work experience and part time Indeed, this issue is not just about Therefore student migration should be sponses. The results of the consultation year. International students’ fees sub- jobs (increase allowed study to work money. It is about respect, trust, repu- decoupled from the total economical will be announced in the coming weeks sidise home students allowing courses ratio from 50:50 to 66:33). Dependants tation and business links around the migration and not addressed in attempts and there is nothing left to do now but and sometimes whole departments to be of those international students, e.g. world that once destroyed will be ex- to reduce the number of migrants com- hope that the government will moderate run. At a time when the whole country wife/husband, will not be allowed to tremely diffi cult to restore. The current ing to the UK. the proposal and not let the catastrophe is facing fi nancial diffi culties and cuts work at all. This extends even to vol- proposals will not only cause a sub- It looks like the government simply strike the British education system. are being made to the state funding of untary work. stantial loss of income, it will seriously universities, international students are However, the change most interna- threaten the image of UK as “opened Sponsored Editorial absolutely vital to the survival of most tional students feel extremely frus- for business”. educational institutions. Many univer- trated about is the abolishment of Post The changes proposed by the gov- sities are also highly dependent upon Study Work visa. Currently students ernment are indeed the most radical international researches and teachers to are allowed to stay in the UK for two in decades, if not generations, and are teach STEM (science, technology, engi- years after they have fi nished their de- probably not that thought through. The More student cuts neering and mathematics) subjects. The gree to get work experience essential Migration Advisory Committee (MAC) implementation of these new regulations to prove the creditability of their de- undertook a proper weighting of eco- will therefore lead to the contraction of grees. Now international students will nomical pros and cons of economical the whole sector. Taking into account re- no longer have this opportunity and migration but there was no equivalent Discount haircuts for Imperial duction in cultural diversity UK univer- will be forced to leave the country as assessment of temporary student mi- sities were always proud of, that would soon as they fi nish their course. With gration. The main goal set by MAC students at Fresh Hairdressers defi nitely have a major impact on home no work experience after graduation it is to reduce net migration to “tens of students’ experiences as well. would be extremely diffi cult to fi nd a thousands” during this parliament. In The proposal is to raise the minimum job elsewhere, especially in the current assessing the scale and make-up of More student cuts for Imperial 0207 823 8968. Ask for a level of English required for entry into economic crisis. current net migration MAC was relay- students at South Kensington’s student discount and bring your the UK to B2 on the common European All of these changes not only make ing on International Passenger Survey FRESH Hairdressers. Imperial ID. framework of reference which is equiv- international students extremely unsure (IPS), however even MAC does not Men’s cuts £22 Cash only. alent to a high grade A-level. This is a of their own future but together with consider those fi gures to be completely Women’s shampoo and cut and real threat to pre-university education, numerous tightening of visa regimes accurate. According to IPS, Student shake dry £28 which provides international students over the past two years, makes them Route contributes 60% to the total net Women’s shampoo, cut and with an opportunity to improve their feel very unwelcome in the UK. British migration with Work and Family routes blow-dry £38 language and independent learning universities were known for their excel- each contributing 20%. MAC then de- All of our cuts are done by highly skills together with a subject top-up lence for decades, and the majority of cided that the reduction to be borne by experienced stylists. which at the end enables them to study international students (93%) were com- each of those routes should be in pro- Tuesday to Fridays 9.30 to in UK universities. Most of the students pletely satisfi ed with their stay in the portion to its contribution to net migra- 4.30 (sorry no discounts on following this route do not have the UK. However international students are tion recorded by IPS – which means a Saturdays). necessary English level required for en- no longer getting the world class expe- 60% reduction of thoroughly legitimate We are only 70 metres from try according to the new proposals, and rience they were expecting when they students coming to the UK. Those re- South Kensington tube station therefore they will not be allowed into invested thousands of pounds into the ductions, however, cannot solve the To book an appointment, call the country (for example, up to 80% of British economy. Many undergraduate migration problem the government is Foundation students, which make up to students who were planning to continue trying to tackle because international

Sabbatical Brighten up

2011 your Union! We need great candidates to run the Union next year. Think you could do it?

Nominations open Tuesday 15 February

Positions Available President Deputy President (Clubs & Societies) Deputy President (Education) Deputy President (Finance & Services) Deputy President (Welfare) Felix Editor 4 Student Trustees

imperialcollegeunion.org/elections 10 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX

Science Editors: Charlie Harvey Kelly Oakes SCIENCE [email protected] And a few suggestions... Magic show success open to Copenhagan interpretation

Kadhim Shubber strate the weird connection between entangled particles, coloured balls were fi rst placed into It is somewhat topsy-turvy to say that there are soft, velvet bags. They were rubbed together no mysteries in magic, but plenty in physics. to ‘entangle’ them and then, from opposite But as Dr Nic Harrigan, our Master of Ceremo- sides of the room, the performers simultane- nies for the evening (complete with magician’s ously pulled the same colour ball from bag. attire), explained: all magic tricks are expli- This demonstrated the peculiar property of en- cable, but not all physics is yet understood. tangled particles that allows them to ‘know’ the And no area of physics is as enigmatic and so properties of the other – measure one electron begging of explanation than quantum mechan- as spin up and the other will instantaneously ics. ‘Real Tricks: The Quantum Mechanics measure as spin down. Initially, I did not sus- Show’ aims to draw parallels between magic pend my disbelief entirely – perhaps they had Dr. Riemann’s Zeros tricks and the quirks of quantum mechanics. hidden balls in their sleeves? – but when they by Karl Sabbagh As we settled down for the show, it struck me repeated it with audience members I was un- that linking quantum mechanics with a magi- ashamedly stumped. This is the story of a million dollar problem, one that cian’s tricks most adequately demonstrated the There were other highlights. Pushing a pencil was created by the famous Dr. Riemann when he power with which it has to bewilder even the through a £1 coin as an analogue of quantum produced an answer to a mathematical conundrum most skilled physicists; as Richard Feynman tunnelling was neat while the explanation of but without a robust proof to accompany it. Mathe- famously opined: “I think it is safe to say that quantum cryptography – complete with ninjas maticians have slaved over the Riemann hypothesis, no one understands quantum mechanics.” leaping out of the audience to steal the ‘data’ racing to uncover the truth and prompting the offer The show had an amateurish charm to it. The – reached the highest standard of educational of a million dollar prize for a comprehensive proof. It performers were modestly dressed with an ear- entertainment. all sounds like a slightly melodramatic thriller, and nest enthusiasm for the concepts that they were However, saying that the show had an “ama- Is it in the hat? Schrödinger would know perhaps this is as close as a popular mathematics explaining. teurish charm” does not excuse all of its rough book will get. Although not master magicians, they pulled edges. At times the little hiccups distracted the Both interesting and informative, Sabbagh’s writ- off the tricks convincingly enough to elicit good-natured audience and Dr Nic Harrigan outpouring laughter from the audience behind ing is the perfect introduction to this area of math- gasps, laughs and whispers of “How did she could probably have given his co-performers me, it was certainly a successful evening. Prob- ematics, leaving the reader with a sense of awe do that?” Obviously if I were to Google any the courtesy of introducing them on-stage by ably most pleasing was the sight of groups of at the genius of the mathematicians involved. He of the tricks, I could quickly ruin the magic for name. children excitedly discussing the physics that paints an exhilarating picture of the discipline, going myself. But the demonstration of quantum en- But I shouldn’t over-emphasise the little nig- they had seen as they tramped up the aisles out some way to expel the myth that maths is boring. tanglement was a genuine puzzler. To demon- gles. Judging by the attentive silence and then of the lecture theatre. Sabbagh fi nds exactly the right way of engaging his audience; after all, making a lot of money in a highly competitive industry sounds like a dream job, espe- cially for an Imperial graduate. Katya-yani Vyas Take two leeches and call me tomorrow You won’t believe it... Anastasia Eleftheriou “Leeches fi nd you by de- feels like 2 or 3 mosquito bites, so don’t worry too much; it is not painful! Leech saliva also Most of us believe that leeches belong to the tecting skin oils, blood, contains a painkiller, which stops its victim category of the most disgusting and dangerous from feeling the bite, and an anti-coagulant, creatures of this world. They can, however be heat or even the CO2 which keeps the blood from clotting. benefi cial for people’s health. Douglas Chepeha, an ear, nose and throat Leeches – the word deriving from the old from your breath.” surgeon at the University of Michigan, said English word for physician, laece – are mainly that he treats two or three patients a year with used for treating abscesses, painful joints, glau- leeches after rebuilding faces or mouths deci- coma, myasthenia, and to heal venous diseases water. Leeches fi nd you by detecting skin oils, mated by cancer. and thrombosis. They are also used in plastic blood, heat, or even the carbon dioxide from This widespread use of leeches is the reason surgery and can improve brain circulation. your breath. Although about 600 leech species that, in Europe, millions of leeches are sold These medical applications of the leeches are have been identifi ed, only 15 are currently used every year. Sometimes, leeches do a better the main topic of a recent paper published in in medicine. job than other medical treatments in remov- the Journal of Postgraduate Medicine last week. But how do leeches know how much blood ing pooled blood and help the healing of skin The team of scientists from Ohio State Uni- the patient should lose during the treatment? grafts; something that is well tested over the versity Medical found that leeches have been They take in a big amount of blood when they centuries. fairly chosen as one of the best assistants to feed and for this reason they do not feed often. Many people are afraid of these creatures This Valentines Day, instead of following your heart doctors, from antiquity until now. The authors The European species can consume between crawling on their body and of being bitten by go with your brain. Researchers have identifi ed say: “Modern leech therapy is based on sound 5 and 15 ml of blood in a single feeding (its them, but they have been used since ancient a dozen brain regions associated with the feeling scientifi c principles and has resulted in impor- American counterpart consumes ten times times, are well tested and nowadays are rou- of being in (puppy) love. The regions release neu- tant patient care enhancements”. less) which is why the European leech is pre- tinely used. The Food and Drug Administration rotransmitters and other chemicals that induce sen- Let’s look in more detail the behaviour of dominantly used. Usually, doctors use up to 10 (FDA) has even determined that leeches are sations such as attraction and pleasure. And if you those creatures. They have two ways to suck leeches so the patient can lose up to 150 ml of medical devices because they meet the specifi - break up before the big day, don’t worry. Scientists your blood; either they use a proboscis to punc- blood during the treatment. cations, as defi ned by the Food Drug and Cos- are hoping to treat broken hearts by artifi cially ad- ture your skin, or they use their three jaws Another question that comes into mind when metic Act. justing the levels of these chemicals. and millions of little teeth to bite their way learning about leech therapy is whether the Nature has, once again, provided a solution in. They live almost anywhere where there is leech bite causes pain. Most patients say that it to a crucial medical problem. FELIX Friday 11 february 2011 11 SCIENCE Orbit shift led to ancient methane increase Sci-Fi Column

Maciej Matuszewski

Seeing how I’ve been doing this for a few weeks now I think it’s high time I tackled one of the best known science fi ction phenomena out there, Star Trek. The franchise has been a massive suc- cess and even most people who aren’t fans can recognise Captains Kirk and Picard. My favourite Star Trek show, however, is a bit more obscure than The Original Series or The Next Generation; it is, in fact, Star Trek Deep Space Nine. The only Star Trek show set on a space station, this allows it to have far longer story arcs than those of its prede- cessors: the heroes couldn’t simply fl y Methane emissions from wetlands are increasing – well done wetlands Scientists, like this one holding his big rod, are measuring methane levels away from the issue of the week at the end of an episode. Don’t get me wrong, single episode stories can still be very Thea Cunningham 15 years. Levels of atmospheric methane might have been provoked by natural emissions in the fi rst 5,000 years of the good, as was shown by the brilliant Next have increased by approximately 150% causes such as these, Dr Singarayer and Holocene that preceded the increase in Generation, but personally I prefer the An investigation into the mysterious over the last past two centuries as a result colleagues reconstructed the ice core re- the later half of the period. The team be- plot to be allowed to grow and develop. rise of methane levels in the atmosphere of human activity, such as agriculture, cord using models of methane emissions lieves the change in methane levels be- While it has nowhere near the depth of over the past 5,000 years has suggested coal mining, and the automotive industry. from wetland and atmospheric concen- tween these two halves is a result of dif- Babylon 5, which it was initially ac- its causes are natural, not anthropogenic. Over the latter half of the Holocene, trations caused by natural mechanisms ferences between the size and rate of the cused of copying, the overarching story Joy Singarayer at the University of the concentration of methane in the at- over the last 130,000 years. Sun’s solar radiation, along with a lack is still very satisfying. Bristol and colleagues found the Earth’s mosphere rose from 550 to 700 parts per The results, published in Nature, of glacial ice in the Holocene period. All of the Star Trek shows tried to rotation, and not agriculture, is likely to billion by volume. Whether this increase matched the methane measurements Though the fi ndings suggest we ought cover serious issues but Deep Space be to blame for the rise in atmospheric was caused by human activity too, in the from the ice cores, indicating the in- not to point the fi nger at early agricul- Nine does it the best. Who can forget methane concentration in an interglacial form of early rice cultivation and bio- crease in methane levels that began mid- ture for a rise in methane concentrations the powerful examination of the horrors age known as the Holocene, which be- mass burning, has been the subject of Holocene were a result of the Earth’s before the industrial era, there are still of war in “The Siege of AR-558”? The gan around 10,000 years ago. The study much debate. Methane measurements orbit, alongside increased methane concerns about how the feedback of show is also helped by very well de- undermines suggestions that humans taken from Greenland ice cores sug- emissions from wetlands in the Southern methane in the atmosphere may amplify veloped, and even morally ambiguous, and our agricultural activities were alone gest the rise might have natural causes Hemisphere, particularly South Ameri- global warming. In light of this, further characters. Gul Dukat is, in my opinion, suffi cient to infl uence these concentra- instead, such as increased tropical and ca, caused by weather patterns provoked research is needed to investigate meth- one of the best Star Trek villains ever: tions before the industrial era began. wetland emissions in response to the by small shifts in the Earth’s rotational ane cycles so that we can better under- responsible for the brutal occupation of Methane is a greenhouse gas that can warmer Holocene conditions. axis. Most importantly, the fi ndings cap- stand the release of methane and its in- a peaceful alien planet yet strongly be- hang around in the atmosphere for up to In an attempt to show how the increase ture the pattern of decline in methane volvement with global warming. lieving that what he is doing is right and caring deeply for his daughter. Or take my favourite character, Garak, a former spy and assassin who befriends and of- ten helps many of the main cast and yet tortures the station’s security chief when Mysterious Chopin list of brain disorders he believes this is necessary to help his people. That is not to say that the show is with- Polly Bennett acute infections and fever. Chopin was out fl aws. It has its fair share of tech- able to recall them in great detail but he nobabble and stupid moments. In the A new hypothesis about the lifelong hal- would often become detached from real- pilot episode, for example, the science lucinations of romantic composer Fred- ity during an episode. He suffered from offi cer was asked by Captain Sisko to eric Chopin suggests he suffered from complex visual hallucinations, in par- study an alien artefact he’d been given. temporal lobe epilepsy. New research ticular Lilliputian hallucinations, where This task simply consisted of repeating published in the journal Medial Hu- the people and images appear smaller the order to the computer and literally manities made this diagnosis based on than they are in reality. going to sleep for a few hours. eyewitness accounts of Chopin’s friends Chopin himself recounts an occasion The acting was also often far from and family describing his hallucinatory where these Lilliputian images forced brilliant. While some have praised Av- episodes. him to leave the room while playing his ery Brooks’ portrayal of Sisko, to me it Chopin was known to have ill health Sonata in B fl at minor: “Suddenly, I saw seems that he says most of his lines in a throughout his life, such as fever, na- emerging from the half-open case of my dull monotone. Nana Visitor and Rene sal blockage and recurrent coughing of piano those cursed creatures.” Death was Auberjonois are good at playing angry blood. However, his hallucinations were a recurrent theme of his hallucinations. and gruff respectively, which is lucky commonly attributed to his sensitive na- Hallucinations are a common symp- as these are their characters’ default ture as a creative genius rather than any tom of psychiatric conditions such as No photochopin here – the composer was known to have hallucinations states, but terrible at portraying other neurological or psychiatric disorder. bipolar disorder, major depression and emotions. Auberjonois’ smile in “The The researchers, led by Manuel schizophrenia. However, hallucinations Search”, when his character discovers Vasquez Caruncho of Xeral-Calde Hos- as a result of these are mostly auditory hallucinations. In some cases small ani- often commented that he suffered from. other members of his species for the fi rst pital in Lugo Spain, compiled data from in nature and so could be ruled out of the mals and people have been reported, He was also a known insomniac. Finally, time, looks even more fake than Gordon letters, memoirs, and accounts that re- researchers’ diagnosis. which is consistent with Chopin’s Lil- and consistently with the characteristics Brown’s, though admittedly this could vealed some common characteristics However, temporal lobe epilepsy is a liputian hallucinations. This epilepsy is of temporal lobe epilepsy, Chopin’s hal- have been due to his makeup. of Chopin’s hallucinations. They most type of focal epilepsy, where only part also sometimes preceded by psychiatric lucinations lasted from seconds to min- These issues, however, are all easily commonly occurred in the evening and of the brain is affected by seizures, and symptoms such as anxiety, depression utes, making the case for epilepsy as his ignored in the face of what is a truly were sometimes the accompaniment of is known to produce complex visual and sleeplessness, conditions Chopin cause of hallucinations convincing. great show. 12 Friday 11 february 2011 felix

Technology Editors: Samuel Gibbs Feroz Salam TECHNOLOGY [email protected] Free App of the Week Murdoch launches Daily iOS - Google Shopper newspaper for iPad Feroz Salam

Faced with declining paper revenues and stiff competition from free online alternatives, Ru- pert Murdoch’s News Corporation made a bold foray into online publishing last Wednesday with the release of their subscription-based iPad-only publication The Daily. The Daily is one of a handful of publications that exists solely as an app, a big gamble from a corpora- tion that has until now been relatively wary of online media. The subscription model on which the maga- zine is based on is very similar to print mod- els: users can choose to pay $40/year or $0.99/ day for continued updates to material, with a promise of up to 100 pages of fresh content every day. The advantage of the iPad-only nature of the magazine lies in the fact that it has been designed to seamlessly interact with HD qual- Pah! It’s got nothing on The Daily Felix... (28th Feb – 4th March) ity videos, photo galleries and popular social networks. Unike many other news publications with supporting iPad apps, the content doesn’t yet another nail in the coffin for print publica- news stories.” With embedded video adverts mirror material on a more traditional website, tions, with the extremely low distribution costs another gripe for some reviewers, it’s clear that but caters specifically to iPad users. a highly attractive proposition for beleaguered the design team has some work to do before The move is likely to be watched closely by news agencies. they get the media/content balance perfected. Google Shopper has finally made it to iOS, and now other media houses as print revenues dry up. Regardless of financial viability, first reac- Despite the teething problems, Murdoch has you get the power of Google’s search for shopping Murdoch has played up the financial viability tions from critics have been decidely luke- made clear his intention to drag the print in- on the go. Photo, barcode, and voice search. Sorted. of the move, stating that the monthly invest- warm. John Gapper, writing for the Financial dustry into the 21st century. Whether he’s got ment on the app is a relatively low $2 million/ Times, describes the app as lacking “not im- enough quality journalism to back the effort month. If it does succeed, it will probably be pressive newfangled technology but enough remains to be seen. Android - Google Shopper To protect and charge: the Juice Pack Air Samuel Gibbs “For those keeping

The iPod touch is an outstanding media player count, the Air almost for the most part. Packing almost all the tech behind the wildly popular iPhone, save for the doubles the iPod touch’s cell radio of course, and playing host to up to 64GB of storage, there’s a lot to love about playback time.” Apple’s touchable media player. Of course there’s one thing that’s nearly al- ways bound to be a let down, and that’s battery and that’s additional size and weight it’ll add life. The iPod touch actually has pretty decent to your iPod. The Air clocks in at 64g bringing battery life, but there are lots of occasions when the total weight of your iPod touch to around you just can’t get to a power outlet to get your 174g, while adding an extra 0.6cm in thickness. pocket pal all charged up, and that’s where Mo- The battery also enlarges the base of the iPod phie’s Juice Pack Air comes in. touch bringing the total length to 13.3cm. Now The Air performs two functions: firstly, it’s a we’re not talking about masses here, but as the fully-fledged case for your iPod touch, cover- iPod touch is such a svelte device to start with, ing everything but the screen and chrome be- the Mophie Air is certainly noticeable when on zel. It’s main feature however, is its integrated the device and in a pocket. That said, as battery 1000mAh lithium polymer battery capable to packs go, the Air is one of the most slimline adding up to an additional seven hours video and least intrusive to date, and if you’re after playback or 42 hours music playback. For socket that essentially replicates the dock con- a bit more life from your pocket media pal, is those keeping count, the Air almost doubles the nector, meaning you can charge and sync your certainly worth considering. iPod touch’s playback time. iPod touch, as well as charge the Air, all from The Mophie Juice Pack Air for iPod touch Google Shopper has been on the Android Market for As additional battery case combos go, the Air one USB cable. It’s even available in three reviewed here fits both the 2nd and 3rd gen- a while now, and it’s just as good if not better than has a few nice touches. It’s got an integrated fetching colours – red (as photographed), ‘Gun eration iPod touch. But if you’re packing an on iOS. Price comparison in the palm of your hand. power switch to disable charging of your touch, metal gray’ and blue. iPhone 3G/3GS or iPhone 4 instead, Mophie a four-LED power indicator and a mini-USB Of course there is one downside to the Air has you covered with others in the Air line. FELIX Friday 11 February 2011 13

Business Editors: Sina Ataherian Afonso Campos [email protected] BUSINESS Is Microsoft a dying fi rm? In the world of Google and Apple, Rudolf Lai asks if there is a future for Microsoft

en years ago, Microsoft’s bers, however, we can see that there is a 2010, topping the Nintendo Wii (at $2.6 products were synonymous long way to go before we can even say billion) and Sony’s PlayStation 3 (at with personal comput- that there is major competition in the OS $2.1 billion), reports a NPD Group mar- ing. The Internet was just and Offi ce markets. ket research. stepping into households; Corporations and businesses are one A gaming console is largely depen- TApple narrowly escaped bankruptcy, of Microsoft’s major sources of rev- dant on the games that are played on it. and its computers were seen as luxuri- enue. The prime reason for corpora- In November 2010, Microsoft released ous goods made for designers. In a blink tions to stay with Windows is Micro- the “controller-free gaming and enter- of an eye, Apple became the largest soft Excel. Excel’s variety of functions, tainment experience” Kinect for Xbox, technology company in US by market and the extent of which these functions which triggered a wave of new games capitalization in May 2010; in 2009, are implemented, is unparalleled in taking advantage of the new hardware. Google attracted nearly two thirds of the commercial electronic spreadsheet Game/software sales for the Xbox 360 the worldwide search volume through market. Specifi cally, equipped with Vi- rose 29% in December 2010, compared its search engine and its sister sites. All sual Basic for Applications (VBA) and to the same month the previous year, ac- that Microsoft seems to be doing is to now .NET, Excel offers the possibil- cording to the BMO report on the NPD follow what everybody else has done: ity for programmers and developers to numbers. The introduction of Kinect launching Bing after Google, releasing embed code directly into spreadsheets. puts Xbox in direct competition with the Windows 7 Mobile after Apple’s iOS. Through the embedded code, a spread- Wii in terms of using body movements In fact, many people have declared that sheet can offer functions that manipulate for input, but the absence of a physical Microsoft is “dead”. data in ways normally impossible using controller for Kinect may prove to in- But is that the case? Microsoft’s standard spreadsheet operations. In a duce a greater variety of games devel- dominance has long preceded the rise way, Excel is like the Apple App store oped for the device in the long run. of Google and the comeback of Apple. for business and fi nance. It provides a Admittedly, under the guidance of From a multi-stage dividend discount common platform on which software Steve Jobs, Apple seems to be delivering model perspective, Microsoft should houses can develop and release appli- hit product after hit product. Google, on be in its stable growth period (i.e. the cations, and the spreadsheet format is a the other hand, seems to be permeating last stage of the model), hence it would widely understood input method. From every aspect of our cyber life. In the vast be perceived that Microsoft is not as option pricing tables, to portfolio opti- industry of technology, we cannot say ‘trendy’ or ‘strongly growing’ as the mization software, Excel offers an easy that Microsoft has its monopoly over the other two companies. Nonetheless, the way to represent the input and outputs business like it did. But we can attribute two biggest elements of Microsoft’s of mathematical models or other number that change to a shift in the boundar- business, the operating system and the crunching engines. ies of the tech industry, rather than an Offi ce suite, still have signifi cantly On a related note, a second reason that absolute shrinkage of Microsoft’s busi- greater market share than its competi- businesses are reluctant to change from ness. With the recent uprising of what is tors. The Windows operating system Windows to another operating system is called the ‘closed internet’ – Facebook and Offi ce make up 53% and 42% of the cost of switching to others. Corpo- – a network that Google has no access Microsoft’s 2010 revenues respec- rations have invested a lot of resources to, and the health concerns surrounding tively. As of December 2010, Windows into supporting a Windows oriented the Apple CEO, the scoreboard of tech had about 85% share of the operating infrastructure. They have hired .NET giants is still undecided. I don’t care if Macs are ‘stylish’, Steve Jobs is a certifi ed fashion disaster... systems market, and Offi ce has 94% and VBA developers, and made custom market share, according to Gartner. In applications that only run on Windows. contrast, Google’s business is largely They have trained their staff to use Ex- internet-based; around 70% of Apple’s cel, the Offi ce suite, and VBA. They 2010 revenue is from mobile computing have virtual desktop systems devoted McKinsey Students in Society contest announced products like the iPhone, iPod, and the to delivering a Windows environment iPad, and the rest are in its OS and Mac to a new computer or a new user in a hardware. One could argue Google and matter of hours. Costs aside, there is just On the 15th of February, McKinsey & cess. Students have to submit a compel- I hope this competition will help encour- Apple’s recent stardom is mostly based little reason for corporations to switch to Company will visit Imperial College to ling business idea and describe what age the next generation of entrepreneurs on a combination of new technologies, another operating system that does not launch “McKinsey Students in Society its impact would be on society. From with the vision to transform society for like faster internet connections, cloud run Excel natively, and one that requires 2011,” a new social enterprise business these submissions, six national fi nalists the better.” computing, and mobile computing, and re-training staff. As such, Microsoft will plan competition for university students will be selected to develop their ideas in Tom Rippin, CEO of social enterprise that Microsoft’s traditional playgrounds continue to reap sales from new versions across the United Kingdom. greater detail. On Purpose, commented, “Social enter- of the OS and the Offi ce suite remains of Offi ce and Windows. In 2009, a new The competition offers a unique op- These national fi nalists will receive prises promise to help solve many of the relatively unscathed. version of Windows was released, and portunity for students to develop their further coaching to develop their plans most challenging issues society faces to- Microsoft still has its competitive ad- as of 2010 it has sold 175 million cop- business skills while seeking to make a in preparation for the National Final in day. Politicians, the media and investors vantage in the OS and Offi ce area, and ies, making it the fastest-selling operat- real difference to society or their local London, in April 2011. are showing ever-greater levels of inter- it has entered the gaming console mar- ing system in the world. communities. The winning team will receive seed est in this potential. If social enterprises ket, which neither Apple nor Google Microsoft is also strong in is the gam- To participate, teams of 3-6 under- funding for their business and ongoing are to fulfi l these expectations, it is im- have access to. Undoubtedly, Apple and ing market. Arguably, the iOS platform graduates from UK universities will support from McKinsey consultants to perative that they also attract the most Google are trying their best to step into from Apple also provides a platform submit business plans for social enter- help get their idea off the ground. exceptional people to be the leaders of the OS and business productivity ap- for gaming, but due to the nature of the prises – fi nancially sustainable busi- Launching the competition, Kevin tomorrow. It’s great to see this initiative plication territory. For example, from hardware, the range of games cannot be nesses which are run to benefi t society. Sneader, Managing Partner of McKin- to get the best and brightest students en- Apple we have the OSX and iOS operat- considered a direct competitor to the Launch events in Imperial College sey & Company in the UK, said “There gaged!” ing systems, and the iWorks offi ce suite; Xbox franchise. Xbox has performed will kick off at 6pm on Tuesday 15th is no motivation more powerful than from Google we have internet-focused well relative to other major consoles: February in the Skempton Building, to make a positive lasting difference to Initial submissions can be made on- software like the Chrome OS, Google sales of video games and other software Room 301. the world around us by developing and line from now until Sunday 13th of Mail and Google Docs. Just by the num- for the Xbox 360 topped $3 billion in The fi rst round is a simple online pro- implementing a visionary business idea. March at msis.mckinsey.com 14 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX

Politics Editors: Rory Fenton James Lees, Rajat Jain POLITICS [email protected] The world beyond College walls U-turn ahead Is the UK’s economy going in the wrong direction?

Joshua Yerrell Tomokazu Miyamoto Russia Last year the Conservative party and the Liber- al Democrats seized power after the 2010 gen- eral election and since then the ruling coalition Doku Umarov, the Chechen separatist leader, has has taken austerity measures, spreading the ru- claimed responsibility for last month’s bombing mour that UK was on the fi scal brink. They cut at Moscow’s Domodedovo Airport which killed 36 governmental employment by 460,000 work- people. Mr Umarov has said that the attack was in ers, and slashed public spending including the response to Russian ‘crimes’ in the Caucasus and educational budget and infrastructure. They threatened more suicide attacks in pursuit of an also raised VAT from 17.5% to 20% this year, independent Muslim state in Russia’s Caucasus re- which is partly responsible for a rise in com- gion. Mr Umarov is one of Russia’s most wanted men modity prices. The Liberal Democrats, who and is the self styled ‘Emir of the Caucasus Emir- had pledged to vote against any rise in univer- ate’. He has previously claimed responsibility for the sity tuition fees before the election, tripled the 2010 Moscow Metro bombings and the 2009 attack fees last December. on a train from Moscow to St Petersburg. Nick Clegg, the leader of the Liberal Demo- crats, claimed that when the coalition formed Britain was on the edge of bankruptcy. David Cameron, the current Prime Minister, claimed that the bond markets were demanding auster- Indonesia ity and so if Britain did not introduce immedi- ate cuts, we would lose the confi dence of the bond markets. Debt hawks often say that debt More than 1,000 protestors have stormed a court- repayment is a cost to the country. house and burned two churches in Central Java. Readers of Felix may be aware that the Dep- The crowd were demanding a stiffer sentence for uty Prime Minister has told lies in terms of not a man who was sentenced to five years imprison- only tuition fees but also the fi scal state of this ment for distributing leaflets deemed insulting to country in order to justify the coalition’s poli- Islam. This attack comes after a deadly attack on cies. Every schoolboy knows (or should know) a minority Muslim sect in West Java. These attacks that a government cannot go into bankruptcy were condemned by the both the US ambassador to like a private business. As long as Britain has Indonesia and the Indonesian President. Indonesia its own currency, it has the power to print George Osborne selling the Big Issue? In 2015, we can make it happen is the world’s largest Muslim nation and is a secu- money. Governments can only be in default if lar state. However, religious minorities have been they have incurred debts in another currency, under increasing attack by hard-line Islamist groups that is, if they cannot fi nance their external the interest rate of the Irish governmental bond cal policy. Britain, where the economy con- and the Indonesian Government stands accused of current account defi cit (which includes inter- soared to 9% because these policies cause a tracted in the fourth quarter, is already seeing doing too little to protect the rights of all citizens. est paid abroad). Iceland, which has its own serious recession. (There is an inverse relation- the fallout, he said at an investor conference in currency, Iceland Krona, was in default in ship between bond valuation and interest rates; Moscow on 2nd February. He added that aus- 2008 because they could not fi nance a large the low rate means that the price of a bond is terity measures adopted by the UK coalition amount of external debt. What about the U.K? stable.) government were not justifi ed. United States According to George Irvin, a Guardian colum- Prof. Krugman said that the austerity mea- Although Cameron and Osborne often exag- nist, about 80 % of public borrowing is from sures by the Conservative/LibDem coalition gerate the budget defi cit of UK, referring to the the domestic market- what economists call had a lot to do with ideology: they have used PIIGS debt problems, the U.K’s defi cit prob- the “non-bank public”. To those who buy UK the defi cit an excuse to downsize the welfare lem is completely different from PIIGS. Un- The US is bracing itself for yet another winter government bonds – either directly or through state. He said in a New York Times column: like the UK or USA, Eurozone nations cannot storm barely a week after a record-breaking storm pension funds – British bonds are fi nancial as- “The British government’s plan is bold, say print money to pay their debts with their own roared across the American heartland. It is forecast sets on which holders receive a payment total- the pundits – and so it is. But it boldly goes in wills; they cannot take advantage of devalua- to dump up to 8 inches of snow in Arkansas and ling £34bn per annum. The remaining 20% is exactly the wrong direction.” tion in terms of export by expanding money Oklahoma and could affect up to 150 million people either held by government departments or is He also predicted that the Britain in 2011 supply, either. It is the only European Central in 40 states. The US is still recovering from an ear- owned by foreigners. Most public borrowing would look like Britain in 1931 or the United Bank (ECB) that can conduct monetary poli- lier storm which saw hundreds of flights cancelled appears as liability on the government side of States in 1937, adding that premature fi scal cies in the Eurozone. Let’s consider the cur- and highways closed. That storm may cost US insur- the ledger, but as an asset on the ledger of do- austerity would lead to a renewed economic rent account balance from 2002 to 2009 for 4 ers up to $1.4 billion. mestic bondholders. Roughly speaking, there- slump. countries: Germany, Iceland, Ireland and Nor- fore, UK citizens are Britain’s creditors, not A recent economic report is likely to confi rm way. Germany was in surplus constantly, while debtors. Prof. Krugman’s prediction. The Offi ce of Na- Ireland was in defi cit due to disadvantageous Cameron’s argument does not stand up either. tional Statistics said on 25th January that GDP exchange rate of the Euro. Iceland improved Paul Krugman, who won the Nobel economics fell 0.5 % in the previous quarter. George Os- the fi gure dramatically, and Norway kept a prize in 2008, says that Cameron has invented borne, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, seems favourable balance. Since the latter 2 do not “invisible bond vigilantes” which do not exist. to continue his austerity measures, while the belong to the Eurozone, they can freely control Actually the bond markets were demanding no opposition counterpart Ed Balls said that Os- monetary base to make themselves more com- such British austerity. They rather punish the borne must urgently re-think their reckless plan petitive in terms of export. measures Cameron has taken. UK citizens may to cut the defi cit too far and too fast. Concerned The coalition’s austerity measures are not well remember who the last two countries were about this country’s economy, Balls required justifi ed currently because UK has the power to be downgraded by the bond market. The the coalition to start prioritising growth and to take appropriate monetary policies. UK answer is Ireland and Spain, which took im- jobs. citizens should be more sceptical about the co- Edited by Kenneth Lee mediate austerity measures, that is, Cameron- Joseph Stiglitz, who won the Nobel econom- alition’s statements. This country is going in style. Indeed, the bond markets got angry, and ics prize in 2001, also criticises Osborne’s fi s- exactly the wrong direction. FELIX Friday 11 february 2011 15 POLITICS Female empowerment to save the world But is the U.N.’s newest agency’s plan to end gender inequality and poverty in one fell swoop just more of the same?

Amanda Diez Rory Fenton

The role that women play in the allevia- tion of poverty is becoming increasingly apparent in development research. In a sad irony, it is also increasingly clear that they bear the majority of the bur- den of this same poverty. The fi gures are alarming – women work two thirds of the world’s working hours but directly earn just 10% of the world’s income – money which they are more likely to spend on education and food for their children than their male counterparts. Women also make up 70% of the world’s poorest people and are underrepresented in society from classrooms to politics (holding just 19% of the world’s parlia- mentary seats). To address these gaping gender im- balances, the UN set up UNIFEM in 1976 to directly tackle gender discrimi- nation, primarily through working with other UN organisations such as UNI- CEF and other offi cial aid groups. By 2006, the body had a budget of over $200 million and was present in 80 countries and yet it was slammed by the UN itself as being “incoherent, frag- mented and under- resourced”. This January, in light of this criticism and new evidence regarding the importance of women in development, the UN cre- ated UN Women; a new centralised body with a much larger budget and Do you give to charity? Well you just burned Africa you lefty-liberal jerk! more political clout. Just this week the month old body called a press confer- ence for student journalists to make a 0.2% compared to the wealthier coun- aid for political reasons, thus discount- “Women hold just based on microfi nance show that aid can plea for help – they were already un- tries’ 1.3%. Poor countries seem to stay ing the possibility of aid being simply a make a difference. But this aid should derfunded, receiving about a quarter of poor because they are poor in the fi rst response to slow growth. According to 19% of the world’s not come in the form of large, multina- the funding desired; effectively giving place. Boone, it seems that aid promotes con- tional plans to ‘end poverty’. The his- them the same budget as the old UNI- But a closer look at the statistics re- sumption but not investment. parliamentary seats” tory of aid has shown that these grand FEM. Their solution was clear: more veals a different story. Firstly, over the So, what makes countries stay poor? schemes simply do not work beyond funding. But does international aid ac- longer period from 1950 to 2001, the They don’t. Or at least, they are just the great concerts and the well mean- tually deliver results? This is a question poorest fi fth of countries increased their as capable of good growth rates as any wealthy country donors. The emotive ing wristbands. Rather, small projects too often brushed aside as heartless – average income 2.25 fold which is sta- other country, once you allow for bad images of those suffering from AIDS that work with and empower the poor how on earth could someone question tistically indistinguishable from the in- government. It is possible to control for causes foreign governments, urged by themselves can make a real difference. the noble aims of aid? And yet, noble crease in income of the richest four fi fths bad government in the data above by their citizens, to donate money to buy Couldn’t the poor be given some kind of though the aims may be, the results are of 2.47 fold. The reason for the gap in using indexes on corruption and democ- antiretroviral drugs for poor countries. aid vouchers to let them decide how the often staggeringly far from those prom- growth in the period 1985-2001 (a pe- racy, the oldest such indexes compiled However, research shows that for every money is spent? Highly centralised aid ised. This article will look at the case riod of much higher international aid) is since 1984 by the International Country year of life given to an AIDS patient, is exactly the kind of solution to poverty against international aid and argue that that the countries in the bottom fi fth kept Risk Guide and Polity VI, a project of the same money could provide between that we would never wish on ourselves we should have fewer, not more, bodies changing – strong evidence that in fact the University of Maryland. Using these 75 and 1,500 years of life through a fo- and not only is it patronising and unac- like UN Women. countries aren’t doomed to be trapped in indexes to statistically control for bad cus on prevention. A Western focus on countable, it doesn’t work. The chief justifi cation for internation- poverty. This data excludes Soviet and government (those with high corruption school enrolment (one of the UN’s Mil- Organisations like the new UN Wom- al aid is that poor countries are stuck in Persian Gulf oil producing countries as and low democracy ratings), it becomes lennium Development Goals) means en could learn a lot from this. It is sim- a poverty trap. That is, if they only had special cases. clear that it is bad government that keeps that investment in actual school supplies ply preposterous to tackle ‘all forms of the basic resources to start things off Was it aid that caused these countries poor countries poor, not a poverty trap is overlooked, when such investment is gender discrimination’ in one go. Much they could work their own way out from to break out of the bottom fi fth? No, as those with good governments enjoy estimated to be 14 times more effective better to look at particular areas where there. The argument then follows that countries with above average aid per- similar growth rates to their wealthier than simply building new schools. If outside funding and expertise can make unless wealthy countries give poorer formed no better than those with below counterparts. the poor were in charge, these wrongs a real difference. Ditch the grand plans ones aid, they will never escape poverty. average aid. While it is of course pos- But why is it that external NGOs fail to would surely be righted but when inter- and seek piecemeal changes in a way This seems to be backed up with evi- sible that aid is given in response to low promote growth, acting separately to lo- national aid is accountable only to do- that is both accountable to local people dence as the poorest fi fth of the world’s growth and so hardly causes it, these cal and potentially corrupt government? nors, this is unlikely to ever be the case. and uses their own expertise. It is pos- countries had much lower growth from data (compiled by Peter Boone of the Too often, they are not there to fulfi l the But this does not mean that aid is hope- sible to end poverty, for both men and 1985-2001 than the other 4 fi fths; just LSE) look only at countries receiving needs of the poor but rather those of the less, far from it. The success of schemes women, but not in one big go. 16 Friday 11 february 2011 felix

C omment Editor: Anna Perman Jan Piotrowski COM M ENT [email protected] FELIX What a dick–tator A few words of advice for Mubarak clinging to power has become pathetic. It’s time those considering running he got a life. Even Ban Ki–Moon is getting pissed off... for Felix Editor Ben Kennedy

As the elections grow ever closer and each of the Union’s Sabbaticals offers an account of their experiences and some advice for would-be successors, the arrogant urge to do the same has become uncontrollable. It would be farcical to interview oneself so I shall instead substitute what is usually a space to editorialise on “the issue of the day” with some words of advice for the man Tim Arbabzadah or woman that will follow me. Of the many things of which I was not resident Mubarak is current- aware when I began the job, there are two ly in quite a mess and just things that are certainly the most important. about clinging on to power. The first is the ever-present sense of fa- The government resigned, tigue. An average day usually begins be- on his request, and a new tween 8-9am and ends between 7-9pm. The Pone has formed and held talks with op- Wednesday/Thursday “sprint finish” is even position parties about the constitution. worse, I begin at 8am on Wednesday, work Mubarak has even banned some mem- until 3-5am at which time I take a short nap bers of the political elite from travelling on the office couch and awake at 6am; I fi- abroad. I assume a similar ban is im- nally rest my head upon a pillow at 10-11pm posed on people living in Birmingham, on Thursday evening. The weekend only of- otherwise that place would be a ghost fers rest if you’re willing to forgo social inter- town, but I digress. The point is, I think Stop hogging the stage! Man, dictators aree so freaking self-cself-centred... action; I have not been willing. So it is hardly it’s a fairly non–controversial statement surprising that the bags under my eyes have to say that Egypt’s president Mubarak is grown considerably. If you are considering currently under fire. By which I mean ABC news. During this he said that The thing is, being a dictator is taking the helm of this illustrious newspa- metaphorically, don’t worry; you didn’t he would ‘never run away’ and that he per, do not deceive yourself about the physi- miss anything big on YouTube. ‘will die on this soil.’ Perhaps, more like a pet. It’s for life, not just cal toll that it will take. You could work fewer There has been widespread violence correctly, he will die on the expensive hours, of course, but then the paper would between demonstrators and the authori- Italian marble that he obtained using for Christmas. suffer – if that is a compromise that you’re ties. UN General Secretary Ban Ki- money that should have been used else- willing to make, then I doubt that the posi- moon has weighed in on this saying: ‘I where. This quote could be seen as a tion is right for you. once again urge restraint to all the sides. dig at former Tunisian President Zine The second is how much the paper’s suc- An unacceptable situation is happening. El Abidine Ben Ali, who fled to Dubai “for one of a) ‘I’ll decide on the day but cess is carried, not by the Editor, but by stu- Any attack against the peaceful dem- during the recent protests. I highly doubt probably wont’, b) ‘I’m not attending dents who volunteer their time to contribute onstrators is fucking unacceptable and Ben Ali will care though. It’s not like the but am too polite to click not attending’. to it. They are the ones who come up with I strongly condemn the fuck out of it. two will get into a viscous twitter feud. The interview” wasn’t all impassion- new ideas, write the articles, edit and lay For fuck’s sake Egypt, first Tunisia now Mainly because Ben Ali probably does ate rhetoric. He actually seemed a bit out the paper and exceed your expectations this. Oh and to add to this the shit’s re- not remotely miss power due to his mas- blasé about the whole being in power each and every week. It is the dedicated ally hitting the fan in Yemen. Can’t I just sive personal fortune. Reports say his thing. He stated that he is ‘fed up’ and student volunteers, not the Editor, who are get one day off! That’s all I’m asking, wife took out 1.5 tonnes of gold, worth that he has ‘had enough’ and wants to truly the lifeblood of this paper. For that this shit is stressful. I’m off to scream about £38 million, from the bank before go. I guess after many years doing the reason the Editor must encourage Imperial into a pillow and cry if anyone needs leaving. That really is some absolutely same job it must all be a bit samey. The students to participate in the production of me. Which I’m sure they fucking well textbook corruption. In the slightly al- thing is, being a dictator is like a pet. It’s their newspaper and must help them shape will judging by the last few days.’ That tered words of another recently deposed for life, not just for Christmas. He needs it with their ideas. If Felix isn’t completely isn’t a 100% accurate direct quote; the figure, Andy Gray, take a bow ma’am. to remember that everyone loves an un- open and welcoming to those students who swearing and last few sentences were Saying that, roughly half will be used to derdog, he should listen to ‘Eye of the tentatively and modestly request the oppor- just implied. pay the extra baggage fee when she flew Tiger’ and run up the steps of the Phila- tunity to write an article, it will suffer. Mubarak has been a dictator for out so it’s not as much as you think. delphia Museum of Art. At this point, To finish, I’ll recount something that I did years. So long, that it’s a miracle he Mubarak thinks that if he leaves now it seems that he is not going to run for know when I started and still hold as key to doesn’t have a moustache yet. The fa- it would be ‘chaos’. I think it’s safe to office in the next election, which is due the job six months on: there is no use in try- cial hair worn exclusively by dictators assume he doesn’t read newspapers or in September. He found time to mention ing to hide your mistakes or shortcomings. and people in London who think they even look outside his window. He clear- his son in the interview, saying ‘I never I have made errors of judgement and there are edgy and different (ie. exclusively ly means that, you know, riots, protestors intended Gamal to be president after are things, though I am too ashamed to list dickheads). He reached the point where being killed, that shit would go down me’. I’m guessing he is like my dad; be- them here, that I regret. But this already dif- gigantic posters of him are all over the without him. Luckily he’s still there so ing president isn’t good enough, if his ficult job – see lack of sleep above – would place; must have cost an absurd amount none of that is happening. On that note, son isn’t a doctor or a lawyer he is a be impossible without the humility to say of printing credits. That may be hard to the protestors said they would storm the failure (by the way I do Chemistry). His that the next girl, or guy, could probably do a picture for us – just think of David Cam- presidential palace if he doesn’t resign. Have your say on son was actually sitting in the room with far better job than me. eron before the election but with, hope- They say that, but I had a look on Face- him at the time, but didn’t say anything fully, less airbrushing. book and most people responded ‘may- this article at – probably on Facebook scanning the He recently gave an interview with be attending.’ We all know that’s code felixonline.co.uk pro–Mubarak rally events for hotties. felix Friday 11 february 2011 17

The opinions expressed on the Comment pages represent the views of the author only. COMMENT

Five reasons girls Puppy love. No, not that kind should ask guys out

efore even thinking about break up yet another time…gosh, make came up and in a matter of seconds I was for a change the ‘special’ Valentine’s up your minds!). holding the biggest heart-shaped card Day edition of Felix I can, Moreover, heart-shaped chocolate boxes with “You are my Valentine” written in with a certainty of about and flowers are not sold more on the white childish writing on the outside and 1. Imperial man syndrome. 99.99% say that we will 14th of February than on any other day. the classical love poem inside: A guy having the nerve to ask Bbe reading loads of complaints about it I also still haven’t noticed the clichéd you out doesn’t necessarily being just another one of those capital- red roses being delivered everywhere I Roses are Red, mean that he’s ‘brave’. It could ist holidays. I both agree and disagree go (nevertheless, these happen to be my Violets are Blue, equally mean that he’s an arro- with this – Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be favourite flowers). This Valentine may supposedly be gant arsehole. I know loads of a ‘holiday’ – especially since I happen to Now, I did not always live in Sarajevo secret, guys who would probably treat dislike chocolates. You should show the and you all know what happens when But I truly do love you. you better than the drunk jock– Naida Dzigal people you care for that you do so every you start digging up your shoebox of type that just reused a ‘never day of the year. primary school memories – the best and And alas, to top that, my crush happened that good in the first place’ The last two Valentine’s Days are the worst (read: most embarrassing) stories to be the one whose hands made that chat-up line on you. They’re just only ones I can still remember quite come up. The same thing happened this card. He had deep blue eyes and excep- too nervous to ask you. well and both were spent with my best time when I dug up a folded red heart tionally white teeth – something I ad- 2. Equality. friend(s). One of them was visiting me shaped “Secret Valentine’s Day” card I mire up to this day. He was a bit chubby You, rightly, demand equal pay in London back in 2009 and last year I happened to receive when I was 7. – but we all know how cute that can be. and for the right to have kids went home for a gig by one of my fa- Back then, I was in 2nd grade of an El- I think my cheeks turned as red as that without your job suffering. You vourite ex-Yugo rock bands. You see, ementary School near Boston and well, card (it certainly felt so). also expect to be asked out “My name came Valentine’s Day is no special thing in our teacher thought it would be amusing Anyways, back to the point – Valen- all the time and have your din- that part of the world – it happens to be to assign us all to be someone’s secret tine’s happens to be just another day of ners paid for. Feminist it is not. up and in a matter just another day in February that comes Valentine. She told each of us to make a the year and if you do happen to want You’re paid decently now, so and goes just like any other. You get the creative gift or card for a certain person. to share a special day with someone you you can (in theory) afford that of seconds I was odd western fanatic that celebrates it I still remember being seated on the floor love – friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, fam- swanky meal. with his girlfriend as a “tribute of their and Ms Quillen handing out each of our ily member or pet, don’t hesitate to do 3. Share the burden. holding the biggest love”, but in reality, those same people gifts to the designated valentine. Once so. Maybe they might write an article Getting rejected sucks, whether break up less than a month after (and she’d hand it out, she’d reveal to us the in Felix 14 years after wondering where you know the person, or you heart-shaped card.” then get back together again, only to name of our Secret Valentine. My name you happen to be in the world. take a chance on a good–look- ing guy dancing near you on a Friday night. Either way, when they give you that awkward look and make a good/bad excuse, or simply tell the truth, you want to bury your head in a tub of Falling out of love with tabloids Haagen-Dazs. I know I’m not ex- actly selling it, but think about how many times the average he tabloids and I, we’ve demons to rest once and for all. It was nermost thoughts. David Camer– whoa, man (if they have the nerve in had a chequered past to time to return to the newsagents. an article on cider branding! Look out the first place) go through that. say the least. I grew up on The front page of the Mail. A size- ladies; they’re bringing out pear cider Letting them do it alone bor- a diet of the Daily Mail, able photo of Pete Doherty and his latest especially for your delicate taste buds! ders on cruelty. So share the yet it wasn’t until the mer- misdemeanours dominate proceedings. Sorry, it even suckered me in. I can’t burden – ask him out. Tits of secondary education that I real- Then I find it, in the miniscule column find any other word to describe it but 4. Don’t wait around. ised what I was fervently devouring to the bottom left, “Bloodbath on streets propaganda; the simplistic language, the Okay, so you’re waiting for a wasn’t exactly all that wholesome. As of Cairo”. Flicking through the pages, I well documented history of switching guy to ask you out. What if he’s I began to write more and more, some- get the feeling that a great deal of mean- political support. Printed letters praise not your type? What if none of thing clicked. The whinging, the con- ness remains. Physical imperfections of the Coalition to the skies. Someone sug- them are? You’re going to get stant references to burdened taxpayers, female celebrities are pored over, grisly gests Jeremy Clarkson would be better really, really bored. By letting the preference for introspective scandal fox attacks packaged with gory images as Prime Minister. I cry inside. the men do the asking all the Matt Colvin rather than global issues. Bias pervad- in full technicolour. Outwardly, the pa- Because that’s what genuinely wor- time, you’re effectively leaving it ed in the language, and it really didn’t per’s a morally upstanding citizen, yet ries me. While the Mail has a dedicated up to fate – you’re leaving it up taste very good. inside it’s filthy minded. Ah, here we core readership with unchanging tradi- to someone who’s right for you Yet still I read on. But now, I wasn’t are, “CAMEL WARRIORS IN BAT- tionalist values, it’s people like Rupert to rock up and ask you. Does furthering my knowledge about the TLE OF CAIRO”. Murdoch, owner of The Sun and a bevy that really sound sensible to latest figures on immigration, nay, Seriously, what’s next? Shootout at of other publications, who can easily you? Take back some control not even the cancer risks from writing the Great Pyramid? Aquatic pursuit on mould the opinions of so many readers. and you may be a lot happier. weighty comment pieces on Word 2003. the Nile? The potential to form a tenu- At least I can rest back into the warm 5. Pave the way. It was about my criticism of journalistic ous link with Egypt for the benefit of embrace of local news when it all gets Starting off on a more equal attitudes, the lack of cited sources, the readers is endless! My venture back to too much. Whereas I might have had to footing when you’re dating opinionated letters with bad attitudes. the Mail left me disappointed. I was no deal with secret perverts and schoolchil- could mean that you get treat- Subsequently I grew up and stopped, more critical of it than I had been. I had dren in the past, forever fixated on the ed more as an equal in your “Flicking through settling down with the infinitely more to go deeper. Beyond DiCaprio, if you negative, local papers are like a trip to relationship, widely thought friendly local news. Finally, I had got like. I needed The Sun. a kindly elderly relative, where I know to be a sign of relationship the pages, I get the out of the game. Like a 9 year old sycophantic school- I’m going to get a hot drink and a slice of health and success. Men can Then everything changed. The Daily boy who’s just discovered naughty homemade cake. One headline tells me also find women who take the feeling that a great Mail’s exposure of Imperial’s wild ways words, The Sun uneasily mixes sensa- that, “LOCAL JOURNALISTS VISIT initiative more attractive, which in combination with the sudden trend of tionalist and populist stories with out- SCHOOL TO HELP WRITE PUNCHY doesn’t hurt either. deal of meanness comedians taking potshots at Mail read- ward political allegiance. Raoul Moat HEADLINES”. Aw, bless ‘em. They ers peaked my curiosity in the standards dominates the front cover, for some rea- might not get it right all the time, but my Charlotte Ivison remains.” of tabloids today. It was time to lay my son. A ‘pal’ of Mel Gibson reveals his in- word, they care. 18 Friday 11 february 2011 felix

Comment Editor: Anna Perman Jan Piotrowski COMMENT [email protected] How clips from Hollywood movies could liven up Don’t pity singles, pity me!

news footage t’s Valentine’s Day pretty soon, as you’ve no like they’d lead to a lawsuit. Or a fight. doubt realised from the world’s sudden desire To alleviate some of the panic this year, I will be at- to shape everything into hearts and paint itself tempting to go abroad for a few days with Mrs. Geek. As news breaks at 7am about a man fighting red, and that can only mean one thing. It’s time This will allow me to make up for any glaring cock– the Russian airforce in the Indian Ocean, the to feel unnecessarily awkward about being in ups on the big day itself, whilst also putting me in BBC use live footage. They cut to Tom Cruise Ia relationship when other people aren’t. Valentine’s a sufficiently alien environment that I can’t decipher celebrating victory after shooting down all Day must be the only holiday that actively segregates the whispers of disapproval when I completely mis- the enemies, despite his sadness at the the population and hands out gold stars to one half of read the opportunity for romantic moments. loss of his co-pilot. it. Even the bloody Christians let everyone else chuff If that doesn’t work, I plan to move to Columbia It sounds bizarre, but in China it’s actually Angry Geek down chocolate come Easter time. and stay there for six months of the year, as for some happened. Not to that extent perhaps, but I’m not about to troop out that tired line about reason they only celebrate Valentine’s in September. the use of scenes from Top Gun in a report Valentine’s Day being extremely unfair on the poor This works for me, as I can set up my continent–span- about missile tests is a comical deception. lonely sods that litter London. Screw those guys. It’s ning crime ring and get to work on my people–traf- To use archive footage would be one thing, unfair on me. I get to double down on feelings of in- ficking and corruption–mongering skills in time for but to use footage from an eighties film is adequacy and awkardness by simultaneously having my coup d’etat around the time of the next general something else. It’s taking a long walk off a to rub my relationship in everyone’s faces all day, and election. short plank; one step too far. then feel bad whenever someone walks past with a I’ve been assured by most action films that there’s What made them use it anyway? You marginally larger bouquet of flowers. I’m the dude nothing more romantic than a man in uniform, except would expect a grainy amateur video cam- visiting famine–stricken regions of China, only I’m one being saluted by sixty million deferent semi–loy- era recording from a bloke in a control tower, “To alleviate the there to attend a hotdog speed–eating competition. al subjects. So claiming the throne of England would not Tom Cruise pulling the same face every It’s this state of panic that pisses me off. One minute not only be an extremely attractive gift that keeps three seconds in the vain hope of pulling his panic this year, I I feel like I’m dangling my sex life in the face of a on giving, but I’d also be able to outlaw any trace teacher. It’s the kind of mistake a schoolboy second–year Physics student, and the next I’m being of the day for the foreseeable future. Thank me later, who’s left his homework to the last minute will be attempting cock–slapped by some bulky arsehole from Medi- readers. might make. cine. Do I put in my inflatable chest muscles when I So Happy Valentine’s Day to you, Mrs. Geek. This This made me think about what other situ- to go abroad with don my shirt? Or do I grab the dark glasses, stuff the time next year, we’ll be sunning ourselves among the ations could be covered with blockbuster missus under my overcoat, and hope no–one notices cocaine factories, dreaming of a Britain where I have film footage. There is a bit at the start of Mrs Geek.” me sneaking into South Kensington? Either sound banned the occasion altogether. Love you! Inception where there is a riot in an Arabian town. This could be used as coverage of the ongoing tensions in North Africa (and increasingly the Middle East) about social liberty. Obviously, the bit where it cuts to Ken Watanabe and Leonardo DiCaprio would be removed, leaving about ten seconds of use- Dating tips? From this guy? able footage, but I’m sure if Kate Silverton tries her hardest she could rattle through the brief encounter whilst acting as if it were f all the highlights that come with in Esperanto, signal “Large Hadron Collider? I hardly real. every lap the Earth makes around know her!” in Morse code with the lights. Contrary to Pearl Harbour could be used as ‘brand new the Sun, Valentine’s Day I think is popular belief, luck does not favour the brave. Luck footage’ of the historical event. Obviously, the trickiest. For some, it’s plain tire- and love favour the clinically insane. those astute members of society may notice some, as all media seem to gravitate Next, women like a man who can sweep them off the fact it’s in colour, it’s all CGI, and Ben Oaround hearts and puppies and little naked children their feet. I suggest you bring a broom. If nothing Affleck is an awful actor. The colour would with wings. On any other day, these things would else, you can use it to compare favourably with your probably swing it towards being improbable, rarely feature among your top interests, unless own physique. Another trick would be to choose your because it’d be like sending Russell Howard you’re a veterinary cardiologist...or a paedophile. attire for the evening and shrink it in the wash. A body to the court of Henry VIII; painfully funny But for those you for whom it has become impor- so ripped that it can hardly be contained is impres- now, painfully disemboweled, emasculated tant, it is on a par with the worst Lovecraftian night- sive, even if you are technically wearing children’s and beheaded then. mare: finding that special someone (for 24 hours at clothes. Alternatively, dim the lights; it is well– Perhaps if Nick Clegg was reluctant to do Rhys Davies least), making reservations, rehearsing with pains- known that there is an inverse correlation between a press conference you could show archive taking precision your spontaneous wit for the even- the amount of light in a room and romance. If you footage of a boomerang, always going back ing, practising dance moves that suggest a basic want, you can take this principle to its logical conclu- (on it’s promises, clever huh?) and then understanding of rhythm, and at last, at the end of sion and have dinner in the dark; you may scoff but have it get asked questions by a panel. Per- evening, scouring the whole of west London for a there is a guaranteed spike in the birth rate after every haps the panel itself could be from a press place that sells...a puncture repair kit. major blackout. These are just statistics I’m throwing conference in a film. I won’t pretend to be some great Casanova. Rather out – sexy, sexy statistics. However, not from Iron Man, because un- than cruise the hottest clubs for a bit of action, I find Let us assume by this point, you are (still) on like Robert Downey Junior, Nick Clegg is my chances are more realistic if I hang out near the speaking terms with your inamorata. Seize this op- certainly not an iron man. If anything he’s opticians. However, I still class myself as a romantic, portunity to dazzle your sweetheart with your verbal a toilet tissue boy. Flimsy, afraid of being no matter how hopeless. I believe in love, or some- wit. Try to express your sensitive side – or, if miss- destroyed, full of crap. So, next time you thing roughly approximate to it, is out for there for ing, fake one – through the media of compliments watch the news, which, if you’re a student, everyone. Strengthened by my delusion, I thought and poetry. Bonus points are available if you are able will be sometime in 2017, watch out for I might share some tips with the reluctant Romeos to combine the two. Here’s a little taster to start you footage that may not be what it’s supposed among you. off; “your eyes are so blue, like a patient etherised to be. “Try to express Firstly, you need to make an impression. Whether upon a table.” And no, I don’t think that’s Fiona Bruce’s you are in the Union looking for love or it’s your dia- Some of you may think I’ve been quite sexist up real face either. your sensitive side mond anniversary, you have to make an effort to stand to this point. For that, I apologise. In the interests of out. The girl by the bar will, I assure you, be tired equality, here’s a tip for the fairer sex; go to FiveSix- Rob Cleaver – or, if missing, of the same chat–up lines and free drinks laced with Eight and wait by the bar. If you see someone talk- “sugar.” Just like in a job interview, you need an edge ing gibberish with a fez on his head playing with the fake one.” to catch her interest: wear a fez, make sexy chit–chat lights by the door, walk up to him and take a chance.

20 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX CLUBS & SOCIETIES Religion Beautiful Warfare “Orphan that adopted the world” The African Caribbean Society put on a stunning show “O Prophet! Truly We have sent thee as a Witness, a Alan Liu Bearer of Glad Tidings, and Warner,- And as one who invites to God’s (grace) by His leave, Katherine Bettany and as a lamp spreading light.” As I attempt to fi nd words concerning my beloved Its creation defi nitely involved a kind of war- – may peace and blessings be showered upon him fare, but together, Imperial College’s African – it is these eloquent verses of Qur’an that come Caribbean Society (ICACS) managed to cre- to mind. When writing about Muhammad – revered ate something truly beautiful. ICACS’s 12th across a quarter of the world’s population as the Afrogala, entitled “Beautiful Warfare” and Messenger of God – the problem of “writer’s block” performed to a packed out Great Hall made an vanishes, as a lamp disperses darkness, for he is otherwise dull weekend, truly memorable. the highest of inspirations to those who know him. I was privileged enough to watch this project In its stead, I am faced with the dilemma of how to grow from planning to practice and fi nally to its articulate the beauty and eminence of this person- fantastic execution. The showcase of African age in whatever my word limit works out to be! Caribbean music, dancing, acting and fashion For this simple reason - that this article could not was all the more impressive having witnessed possibly do justice to the personality and achieve- the painstaking efforts and fi erce commitment ments of Muhammad - I therefore aim only to pro- of the committee and the performers. Both the vide an impetus for the reader to go further than this production team and performers were complete article; to serve as an introduction to a personality professionals, correcting technical diffi culties, so essential to understand; to raise points for the particularly the issues experienced on the night conscience to ponder. with sound, with calmness and speed. “When I closed the second volume (of Muham- The theme of Beautiful Warfare, a nod to the prejudice and inequality faced by African and I was literally so close to using the headline, “Afrotastic!” Unfortunately my sense of mad’s biography), I was sorry there was not more shame decided to suddenly reemerge at the last moment for me to read of the great life.” – Mahatma Gandhi. Caribbean people in the past and, sadly, the There can be no doubt on the position he holds present, gave the evening a sense of continuity in the hearts of Muslims – love that is expressed that was maintained throughout the night. The rightly by those millions who emulate his noble way, costumes, sets and marketing were all carefully Onubogu and Tiffany Monu, considering that the show were the Afrogala band, who com- and wrongly by those who transgress in defence of and well designed in a military style. In fact, there were four changeovers, 20 dancers, and pletely blew me away with their authentic Af- his honour. It is a love that has made his name the the entire show was in keeping with the theme, multiple complex and syncopated rhythms. robeat sound. most widespread on the planet, his resting place the with the exception of one of the guest perform- My favourite performance, however, was The overriding theme for me, though, was most frequented, his personality the most praised, ers. Nick Holmes’ dancing, while impressive, that of Tobi Obisanya and the Afrogala Band, summed up in the lyric: “It’s more than just a his habits the most imitated and his life the most was a little bizarre: I overheard one audience in their version of ‘Destination Love’. The colour”, sung by the talented Toyin Oni. Per- well-preserved. Seeing a map of the Islamic empires member commenting that his act was akin to band really could have been an authentic forming on stage were people from a multitude that were – historically speaking –present only yes- “tap dancing to lounge music”. jump blues band from New York in the 40s, of backgrounds – but they share more than just terday, one could come to the conclusion that Mu- The opening act; a step dance, was terrify- and Obisanya’s impersonation of Wyonie Har- a skin colour. Their vibrancy, joie de vivre and hammad was a victor of land. Indeed, Michael Hart ingly powerful. The performer’s movement ris was almost fl awless. The choice of music pride in their culture is infectious: at points the puts him at the head of “The 100: A Ranking Of The creates the music, anyone who stepped out of did play a big part in the success of the show. show felt less like a performance and more like Most Infl uential Persons In History” and mentions time would have ruined the act. However, each African and Caribbean music and associated a party that spilled out into the audience. I left that this may surprise some people but Hart placed and every step and stamp was perfectly precise. dance is a huge part of their culture: Beautiful that night with a smile, and a new appreciation at the head for his achievements both religious and This is no mean accomplishment and is a tes- Warfare celebrated its diversity with blues, hip not only for African Caribbean culture, but also secular - but in reality Muhammad was a victor of tament to the skill of the choreographers Kem hop, and authentic African dance. The stars of for their beauty and passion. hearts, uniting a dispersed and ignorant people that even the Roman and Persian superpowers did not consider governable, sowing the seeds of a civilisa- tion that was to blossom spiritually, culturally, scien- tifi cally and morally. How is it that a man who was illiterate manage to Sci-fi acolytes rejoice, Picocon returns! deliver literature that taught us lessons in politics, economics, history, law, science and morality...this literature being the Quran...a book that is still recit- Science Fiction and Fantasy Society’s annual convention ed 1400 years later and remains to be the only book in which if all copies were collected and thrown into the sea, it would still be able to be reproduced to Maciej Matuszewski on a quad bike. Guests are also encouraged to historian who writes fantasy under the name the utmost perfection due to millions of worshippers bring their own contributions. Kari Sperring. Her debut novel,” Living with memorising it to the full stop. Why was it, then, that The Science Fiction and Fantasy Society is In addition, there will be stalls selling books Ghosts”, recently won the British Fantasy So- the Almighty selected this man for such an honour? preparing for its annual convention, Picocon, and offi cial Picocon T-shirt as well as a LAN ciety’s Sydney J Bounds Award for Best New- So here we are - the inheritors of Muhammad. It due to take place on Saturday 19th February at tournament of Introversion’s acclaimed game comer. Both are involved in the Write Fantastic remains for me to tell you what it was about him that the Imperial College Union. Picocon has gone DEFCON. The company, which was founded initiative aimed at promoting fantasy literature freed our hearts, and I therefore extend to you an from strength to strength since it started in by Imperial students, has donated three Intro- and encouraging new writers. Paul J. MacAu- invitation to discover and to understand... “Muham- 1984 and this year’s event has all the makings version Anthology tins, containing their entire ley is a renowned hard SF author whose novel mad: Orphan that adopted the world”. 6pm, 17th of being one the best ones yet. game catalogue, which will be presented to the “Fairyland” won both the Arthur C. Clarke and February, Huxley LT308. Whether or not you are able Planned activities include a quiz, silly games winners. John W. Campbell awards. Last year’s guest of to attend, you owe it to your intellect to know who he and the ‘Destruction of Dodgy Merchandise’. The highlight of the day look set to be the honour, the science fi ction author Jaine Fenn, is is and what this message is that he brought and to The latter is a long held tradition Picocon and three guests of honour, who will be giving indi- also set to make an appearance. which he dedicated his incredible life. often involves liquid nitrogen and large sledge- vidual talks as well as participating in a group “And We sent thee not, but as a Mercy to the hammers. This year the items being destroyed panel. Juliet McKenna is a fantasy author who All are welcome to attend with entry £8 for worlds.“ include a copy of the notorious “Star Wars – is best known for her series of books set in the students, £5 for society members and £10 Umair Aasem and Zara Hason Ewok Adventures” and fi gurines of the mutat- world of Einarinn. She is due to publish the for others. Doors open at 10am for what ed Tom Paris, from the much reviled Star Trek fi rst book in her new Hadrumal Crisis Trilogy promises to be an exciting day, and not just Voyager episode “Threshold”, and the Hulk later this year. Dr Kari Maund is a medieval for fans of fantasy and science fi ction. FELIX Friday 11 february 2011 21 CLUBS & SOCIETIES Happy 3rd Birthday, KnitSoc! Jennifer Wilson looks back at a society that has defi ed expectations

hen the application needles. was fi rst submitted, Knitting wouldn’t be so popular in the some said a knitting fi rst place if it was as diffi cult as some society would never perceive it to be. My mantra is ‘if a work at Imperial. On granny can do it, and you go to Imperial, Wthe 27th January KnitSock (witty pun it can’t be that hard’. In actual fact it’s intended) celebrated its 3rd Birthday a relaxing endeavour and ideal for com- with a healthy membership and person- muting or long journeys, and at the very alised birthday cake to prove those scep- least saves you from staring blankly at tics wrong. But KnitSock is just one of tube posters trying to sell you car insur- the many success stories in the midst of ance. a craft renaissance. For the devoted Imperialite, knitting Over the past 10 years or so, the craft and its close relative, crochet, both have scene has been changing drastically and an intrinsic mathematical appeal. In is no longer soley the preserve of the 1997 Dr Daina Tamina, a Latvian math- Women’s Institute and Girl Guides. Part ematician at Cornell University, USA of that reputation came from an era of even chose to express hyperbolic space necessity with poster boards fi lled with through the medium of crochet and mo- mottos like ‘Our Jungle Fighters Want bius models are easy to do even by ac- Socks. Please Knit Now’, and the ab- cident when knitting. sence of TV. During peace times knit- Now in its third year, like a good un- ting was also a huge industry producing dergraduate, KnitSock has a great foun- vast quantities of knitwear before the dation and is aspiring to grow further. Industrial revolution took over with au- It hosts themed lessons on a fortnightly tomated knitting machines. basis and on the alternate weeks we Now the tables have turned: vast fac- have a chance to progress with our own tories in far fl ung places could render projects with help close at hand. With the craft obsolete as cheaper as quicker lots of new exciting yarns, knitting is production is plentiful and accessible. no longer doomed to the embarrassing And yet a rising trend in craft popular- Christmas jumpers of yesteryear and ity suggests otherwise. Men and women, new designers are keeping up to date young and old are bucking the trend of with latest trends. The club has a sup- quick, disposable fi xes from Primark in ply of yarn and needles, and we’ll en- favour of something that represents sig- deavour to teach anyone whatever they nifi cant time and effort, but also some- want to know within the craft world, so thing meaningful. Even celebrities like there are no pre-requisites. Everyone is Madonna, Kristen Davis and Geri Hal- warmly invited to come along and give liwell have been spotted working the it a go. “CAKE! Or death?” “Whatever, as long as it’s not knitting...” ZING!

John Hunter Clinic for Sexual Health This is the closest (and in my opin- Get tested. Stay clean ion best) clinic to Imperial College students, who they deal with on a regular occasion. Stuart Haylock ing, I can relate well. I’ve had my fair and blemishes, some will even leave no is a fallacy in itself. What I’m trying to 369 Fulham Road, Chelsea, Greater share of sexual ‘faux-pas’ in the past and symptoms until you fi nd out 6 months put across is that if you are leaping from London, SW10 9NH, 020 8846 6699 It’s coming to the end of our second Sex- ignored all the posters and advertise- later that you’re completely infertile. person to person, that you need to keep Appointments: 020 3315 6699, Advi- ual Health Awareness (SHAG) week, ments basically telling me that I’ve got I’m not here to scare you and chase you your health and that of the many people sors: 020 3315 6155/6156 and that means you’re nearly free of every disease known to man. I was once all into the John Hunter Sexual Health you leave in your wake at the forefront Walk-in Clinics: Monday: 9 – 10:30am, ‘The Guilt’. The Guilt of not speaking to afraid of going to the clinic and telling Clinic dressed as giant Human Im- of your thought. Wearing protection and Tuesday: 5 – 6:30pm the lovely people handing out condoms, them anything about me, let alone give munodefi ciency Virus, nor am I here getting regular tests (I get tested once www.chelwest.nhs.uk/jhc/ lube and information, that your eye is a urine sample to the doctors like they to comfort you and tell you nothing is every 6 months if you want something always drawn to before quickly look- were a vampire with an odd fetish. wrong with having unprotected sex with to aim for) should be your main preroga- West London Centre for Sexual ing away like an embarrassed school However I’m going to stand up and every man, woman and inanimate object tives. Health girl. The Guilt of not getting tested say “Hi, I’m Stuart, and I’m a reformed who’ll give you a drunken nod or a beer- As Aldous Huxley once said “an Intel- They have a women’s only clinic ev- even though you think to yourself daily Iatrophobic” (Google does wonders for goggled wink. All that I’m saying is that lectual is a person who’s found that one ery other Wednesday between 1:30 “you know what, I should get tested for your vocabulary!). I can now stand up there should always be a few things you thing that’s more interesting then sex” ... – 7:00pm, which is suited to wom- Chlamydia, there was that one skanky and proudly say “I’ve been tested, I’m should take into account while you’re I certainly haven’t found it, and I doubt en’s issues. looking girl last week”. The Guilt of un- clean!” out on the pull. I ever will. Ground Floor, South Wing of Charing derstanding the biology of most STD’s We live in an age where our sex is I’m certainly not one to say that absti- Cross Hospital, Fulham Palace Road, better than any charity, and yet never good, and our STD’s are even bet- nence is the way forward either. To deny Staying sexually healthy needn’t be London, W6 8EP. having been tested for any of them. ter. They are can be silent and deadly, your basic human instincts to leap on top a chore. Right are two nearby clinics 020 8846 6699 I understand the feeling you’re hav- they could give you unsightly spots of the next appropriate person you see that won’t leave you feeling awkward. www.chelwest.nhs.uk/wlcsh 22 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX

Arts Editor: Rox Middleton

ARTS [email protected] If you read nothing else this week... Your memorable Valentine We rate the mother of all famously It may be a ridiculously overhyped and commercialised, sensual books... on a Kindle but then again, we’ll take any excuse for a celebration The Modern Karma

Sutra By Kamini Thomas & Kirk Thomas The ultimate guide to the secrets of erotic pleasure (Kindle Edition)

Of all the Karma Sutra books on the market, this would be the easiest to read on the tube without upsetting conservative commuters. As a Kindle edi- tion, it comes without an erotic front cover, allowing discreet study of the sen- sual arts in the most public of places. There are no diagrams inside – on the one hand a little disappointing, as although positions are described very clearly in the text, visual aid would clear any possi- ble confusion – but it is again a plus for Kindle Butt-clenchingly good: that album cover from the Scissor Sisters, which kicked the whole thing off owners like myself, who like to read everywhere, without fearing over-the-shoulder peekers. Meredith Thomas in the same street. Do not forget, as I did, to sages in many of his pieces. The iconic image The book is very comprehensive and covers ev- visit them both. The sign at the entrance warns of a man in a suit, his large black penis jutting ery aspect of love-making. The Karma Sutra begin- This story starts with clenched, muscular but- visitors of explicit images and this is no exag- proudly out, screams out a desire for liberty. ner would fi nd the ‘Seduction’ section enlightening, tocks. The buttocks in question comprise the geration. There is work from a number of other In the context of a time when racism and ho- and there are plenty of valuable new techniques for cover art of the latest Scissor Sisters album artists infl uenced by Mapplethorpe. mophobia were still commonplace, this is a pas- even the most experienced readers to learn. To start, Night Work and while they certainly deserve a Oswaldo Macia and Gillian Wearing deserve sionate battle cry. The owner of the buttocks, individuals are guided to separate themselves into second glance you would not grasp their full special mention. However, none came close to a dancer named Peter Reed, was to fall victim different types depending on their genital size. For signifi cance unless you had also knew of the stealing the show. Mapplethorpe rules supreme a AIDS a few years after the photo was taken. men: the hare, the bull and the horse. For women: man who took that photograph: Robert Map- and the exhibition features the full spectrum of The dark subject matter could leave you mo- the deer, the mare and the elephant. Lovers should plethorpe. his photography. It ranges from delicate, sensu- rose but in fact you come away with a sense then choose positions most suitable for their combi- The Scissor Sisters, in case you do not know, ous photos to some very challenging, obscene of celebration. It is interesting that when inter- nation. According to the book, “the least satisfying are fantasic glam-rock/pop/dance band from portraits. My reaction to the photos was initially viewed, Mapplethorpe said of his work “[that] scenario is a hare man with an elephant woman”. A New York who emerged from the city’s gay shock, but this was soon moderated to wonder. It was about me, what I wanted to see”. The little more clarity on exactly which positions are best scene in 2000. After the group chose Map- It is impossible to deny his talent in a technical Scissor Sisters have made sure that the gallery for which combinations would have been helpful, only plethorpe’s work for an album cover they sense. All his work is immaculately and cleverly is balanced with pure 80s glam. The homage is some rather general guidelines are given. were approached to curate an exhibition at the composed in such a way that he actually demon- not just to the sacrifi ces made by New York’s The best aspect of the book is the great volume Alison Jacques Gallery in London. I was in- strates considerable restraint. In every case the gay community during the period but to its life of extra advice which accompanies the position de- trigued, between this photographer and such a models are portrayed intimately as creatures of and vibrancy. Macia’s video installation, for ex- scriptions. The book reads like a thorough explora- brilliant band there was a great tangle of glam perfect beauty and subtlety. ample, shows an aerial silk performer dressed tion of erotic pleasure, rather than a dry list of sexual rock, high art and homoeroticism to unravel. There is a potent sense of tension in all his head to toe in black latex performing on two acrobatics (the kind of book we are so used to). The Mapplethorpe was a controversial artist ac- pictures. The muses, male and female, mostly white ribbons. This nod to the band’s obsession material also has a pleasantly modern feel about it, tive in New York from the early 70’s. A long- dancers, strain against fabrics or bonds, muscles with dance is truly beautiful and upbeat. without removing emphasis from the original Karma term partner of Patti Smith, they eventually bunching as if poised to jump from the frame So what is the message to take home? Well, Sutra philosophies. Overall this book makes an ex- broke up after he came out as gay. Examples of and connect tangibly with you. The fact that you it is a particularly appropriate one given a cer- cellent addition to your Kindle library, and since it’s his work now sit in the National Portrait Gal- rarely see their faces focuses the viewer on the tain auspicious date in the near future. Human transmitted wirelessly, you can guarantee its delivery lery, but at the time he was heavily criticised for sensual. Other works in the gallery feature mir- sexuality is a strange, beautiful thing. It has as in time for Valentine’s Day. It’s also available in pa- his approach to racial and homosexual themes. rors which achieve the same effect. As you catch many weird and wonderful variations as there perback, for those who seek a fresh approach to their Before dying of complications relating to AIDS sight of your own refl ection you are framed are people on this planet. Whether this Valen- love-making, but fi nd themselves lacking a Kindle. in 1989, he succeeded in splitting the art world in the gallery, forced to view yourself through tine’s Day will be spent in the arms of your be- in two with his short lifetime of work, which Mapplethorpe’s vision of human sexuality. loved or at home with ice-cream, be happy you Which book do you love more than any other? Tell often featuring highly classical portraits of men Despite being charged with sexual energy are alive, fi lthy/gorgeous... and you can dance. us why it’s so good - Send 300 to 400 words to exposing themselves or engaging in sexual acts. there is never the suggestion that you are view- [email protected] A word of warning if you intend to visit; ing anything close to pornography. This is not Night Work is on at the Alison Jaques gal- the gallery space is split over two buildings simple titillation; there are overt liberal mes- lery until 19th March FELIX Friday 11 february 2011 23 ARTS Get hot at pole dancing class

A pole-dancing class gets warmed up at the Hammersmith pole-dancing school. This is serious exercise people

Christina Flanagan A word of warning: the School insists on a pole made me wish it was easier to speed, and in extremely grippy thighs, pact of all the pretty twizzling would be on short shorts, bare legs and high heels, watch this kind of performance outside which didn’t allow for any spinning! somewhat lost. Apparently, Imperial is one of the few even for the taster class. This is not for of a strip club. A quick search online Towards the end of the class we even We had a really fabulous, funny girls’ universities in the country not to already the faint-hearted in the middle of Brit- didn’t turn up many pole dance venues, managed to put it all together in a rou- night out and despite the many bruises have a pole dancing society (I wonder ish winter! Fortunately we were all girls but there is a good range of burlesque tine set to music that involved lots of we’re all very happy to have given it a go. why…). Even Cambridge University together with legs of varying shades shows in London. sexy walking around the pole and stand- Maybe soon there will be poles set-up in is better catered for! Given the grow- of pasty – thank god, since I had come Our session started with Kondi-style ing ‘seductively’, hand on hip. This was the UDH for an evening, but otherwise ing interest in all forms of erotic dancing down with a heavy cold and couldn’t warm up exercises and very quickly pro- maybe my favourite part since Elena Pole Dancing School runs tasters and – the much hyped Burlesque the movie have looked less sexy if I’d tried. gressed onto having a go with the poles had excellent tips on posture and style, beginners courses all over London, as do has recently been released – and the shift Our instructor was the actual found- themselves. We learnt Fireman Spin which are actually valuable far beyond several other dance schools which can be in emphasis from XXX to exercise, it er of the whole school and Miss Pole (leap on and twizzle round and round), the world of pole dancing. found easily online. At £15 for an hour seemed a good time to fi nd out whether Dance World 2005! Elena is classically Pole Slide, Swan Slide (sliding with your But they are not kidding about the fi t- it’s a pretty costly exercise class, but at we should think about starting one… trained as a ballet dancer and it showed legs kicked out behind) and Sitting Hold ness aspect! Days later my thighs are least half of us would seriously consider Having rounded up a substantial pro- in her gorgeous fi gure and total poise. (just sitting knees-bent half-way up the still aching and it is hard to raise my getting lessons in the future – we’ll just portion of the female students in fourth She took up pole dancing as part of her pole a bit like a pole dancing genie), arms above my head. The most impor- have to wait for a good deal on Groupon! year Physics (and Chem Eng) we decid- rehabilitation following a serious car ac- mastering them with extremely varying tant requirement seems to be upper body ed on a pre-Valentine’s taster session at cident and says she immediately loved degrees of success! The main problems strength and couldn’t help wondering Courses can be booked from the shiny Riverside Studios in Hammer- it. Watching her demonstrate some of were sweaty hands sliding off the pole if pole dancing might actually be more beginner to ‘addict’ level: smith run by the Pole Dancing School the amazing gymnastics she could do which led to knees hitting the fl oor at suited to men, although the visual im- www.poledancingschool.com If laughter be the food of love, hear here

Kadhim Shubber of his time staring out of windows, is “He had the audience lingered on awkwardly; he gazes out at I shall be open here, I’m not sure how the street as if trying to spot his thoughts positively howling at to review a comedian. Does it suffi ce to fl agging a taxi down. say that Alun Cochrane was hilarious? But I'm probably being too harsh. My times.” Do I have any hope of conveying the chest was heaving with laughter and humour of his jokes by retelling them he had the audience positively howling here? The answer, I suspect, to both at times. However, The Royal Albert myself in such a rarefi ed environment these questions is no, so I shall give it Hall’s Elgar Room itself is starting to was deeply relaxing. a go. He’s a Yorkshire comedian, with a get on my nerves. It adapts to all types Luckily, Alun Cochrane’s sanity res- number of television appearances under of performance so effortlessly and nat- cuing performance is only the fi rst in his belt, and took delight in lampooning urally that one wonders if it isn't a bit a new series of comedy shows at the the audience’s middle-class sensibilities: smug about it all. Royal Albert Hall. Looking ahead, on ginning to offer some entertainment for he ends a joke about cooking by noncha- The room, which has seen a variety of the 16th of March the rapper-turned- its residents. If you include The Build- lantly whipping out the phrase “hacher” music from the twee Johnny Flynn to the comedian Doc Brown takes the stage er’s Arms’ comedy night on Monday before turning it on the audience when mind-pummelling Factory Floor, was and on the 28th of April – they do like to then who knows, Albertopolis might be they laugh in recognition. fi lled with cabaret-style seating, adorned space them out, don’t they? – Alex Zane turning into quite the stand-up comedy That said, there was something un- with couples giggling into their wine – will join his compatriots in playing one destination – well perhaps I may have comfortable about his set; as if he’s not 'robustly' priced wine at that – and fall- of the swankiest comedy gigs, probably stretched myself a bit there. Neverthe- entirely on the ball. At times his pauses ing into each other with laughter. After in the country. less, if you’re free on the 16th of March, are perhaps a little too long to be delib- sending the paper to print, and upload- Slowly, bit by bit, creeping along at an I’ll see you at Elgar Comedy – we can erate and his joke about wasting much ing the articles to the website, fi nding elderly snail’s pace, Kensington is be- share a table! FELIX SEX

*Materials recorded 0 virgins out of a very small 83.3% 9.4% 6.2% sample size of 11 What sexuality are you?

The majority of polled students en (there were no gay female en and had the highest propor- were straight; hardly a surpris- respondents) were substantially tion of respondents claiming to ing result. But the data became less likely to be virgins than their have sex daily. 50% of gay men more interesting when we com- straight peers. Bisexual women said that they masturbated every pared responses across sexuali- were twice as likely to mastur- day, compared with only 20% of ties. Gay men and bisexual wom- bate regularly than straight wom- straight men. Number o By Depar How often do you masturbate? Key: How often do you masturbate? Guys vs. Girls Daily

A few times a week The results confirmed the common assumption that men masturbate more than women. 68% of men at Imperial said that they masturbated every day or a few times a week while Once a week only a quarter of women at Imperial said the same thing. Whereas students in a relationship masturbate less fre- quently than their single counterparts, the total fraction of Once a month onanistic students (of either gender) is unchanged. Bisexual women and gay men were the most likely to make A few times a year use of sex toys, though nearly 30% of straight women and 16% of straight men admitted to their use. One unexpected result was the number of respondents claiming to use more Never Surprised? than 4 sex toys – a figure over 10% in certain departments. Presented above is a small, X-rated snapshot of the 100% sexual lives of Imperial students. While the data has certain obvious flaws (see ‘Sensitivity and Reliability’ below), it nonetheless leads to interesting conclu- sions. For instance, the Union was the most popular place on campus to have sex – followed by the Library and, disturbingly, the Felix Office. The Maths Depart- ment simultaneously boasts the highest proportion of virgins as well as of students who have sex every day 50% (the department must be full of envious stares across the lecture theatres). We saw that male-dominated departments collec- tively masturbate more than their gender-equal equiv- alents; mainly because men were revealed to mas- turbate far more than women. Imperial students are overwhelmingly straight, but also, interestingly, more respondents identified as bisexual rather than gay. The majority of students (around 60%) lost their 0% virginity between the ages of 16-18, but on average,

Before I begin this short analysis of the not seen at any point in the data analysis. ble answers limited data collection. Sever- four sex toys was far Sensitivity and figures displayed above, I would first like By the time of going to print the raw data al questions did not allow multiple choice most egregious mist Reliability to express my appreciation to those who has been entirely deleted. where they plainly should have (‘Where to group people with trusted us enough to share their deeply It is also important that I confess my have you had sex on campus?’ being an sexual partners toge personal data. We strived at every juncture inexperience in the fields of surveying obvious example), and others had too lim- 1-5 category instead to ensure that the data was completely and statistics. There were a number of in- ited a range of answers – many legitimate 3, 4, 5). This loss of Editor anonymous, and college usernames were stances where the questions and availa- respondents complained that a limit of a lot of interesting an 50

41% admitted to using restraints or handcuffs X SURVEY in the bedroom

57% admitted to having Comments from hosted by an ex-TV presenter. One Civ Eng. 6% the survey of the most incredible experiences sex without Chemistry 10% of my life – and another ‘thing to do before I die’ checked off the list.” protection but Physics 10% “I lost my virginity to a girl and a only 3.5% said guy in the same night. one in a car, “My first sexual partner exploited Life Sciences 16% the other in the woods.” me and I haven’t had sex with that they ever anyone since because I don’t trust had an STI Medicine 17% “[I attended a] 27 all-male orgy them to not do it again.”

ESE 18% of Virgins Bio Eng. 20% Key Daily/Few times a week Mech Eng. 21% How often How often rtment do you masturbate? Once a week/month do you have sex? Chem Eng. 22% By Department Few times a year/never By Department

EEE 22% So who are the biggest wankers? The Materials De- Incredible though it may seem, the Mathematicians partment are well in front with 73% of their students place third in our survey for frequency of sexual ac- Aero. 22% masturbating daily or a few times a week (regularly). tivity. In fact, their Department has the highest per- However, due to the low number of respondents there, centage of students who claim to have sex daily. By Maths 23% the potential for error is quite high. Mech Eng, by con- contrast, almost 50% of students in Aero and EEE trast, is a much more stable sample. 70% of their stu- are either virgins or engage in sexual activity only dents masturbate regularly, compared with only 36% a few times a year. While almost a third of Imperial in the Life Sciences Department – perhaps due to the students claim to have engaged in anal sex, this greater percentage of female students. The trend sup- figure rises to nearly 50% among Chemists. In the ports the idea that women masturbate less, as de- breakdown by year group, PhD students and current partments with more females lie low in the spectrum. 3rd years are the most experienced in this area.

Life Sci. Chem Eng. 15% are still virgins. Around 50% of respondents ad- Bio Eng. ESE mitted to watching porn at least once a week and 26 adventurous students identified as straight but admit- Medicine Chemistry ted that they had slept with a member of the same ESE Medicine sex. 10% said that they have engaged in a threesome Physics EEE and the vast majority rejected the idea that studying Chemistry Aero. at Imperial had restricted their sex life. However, one poor student commented: “Boys NEVER hit on me Maths Mech Eng. here! Literally, the better I look, the more they run away. I get the most attention when I look a bit rub- Chem Eng. Physics bish. They need to MAN-UP!” Civ Eng. Bio Eng. The results are, admittedly, a mixed bag. While the data is not wholly unrepresentative, it is not strong Aero. Life Sci. enough to indicate anything other than certain trends. EEE Maths They also sadly don’t offer any quick fixes for stagnat- ing sex lives. If you transferred to the Maths Depart- Mech Eng. Civ Eng. ment, for instance, you would be just as likely to have Materials a year-long dry spell as daily multiplication exercises. Materials 100% 50% 0% 50% 100%

too low. Perhaps the In addition to this, the results are dents have more active sexual lives than participation was limited to 562 students, Design: Veronika McQuadeova take on our part was skewed in a number of noticeable ways. their unsurveyed colleagues. While we with individual departments providing any- differing numbers of Firstly, the respondents are precisely tried to promote the survey widely, the thing from 11 to 104 responses. Those Analysis: Matthew Allinson & Simon ether (the combined those students comfortable enough to somewhat skewed number of 3rd and 4th with smaller sample sizes are self-evi- Worthington of the separate 1, 2, discuss their sexual lives after having year respondents indicates that a signifi- dently less generally representative. Survey Coding: Christopher Birkett resolution restricted used their College username to unlock cant number are part of the wider social As a final disclaimer, every attempt was nalysis. our survey. Perhaps such uninhibited stu- network of Felix Editors. Additionally, our made to weed out nonsensical responses. Survey Design: Jonathan Kim 26 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX Music Editors: Greg Power Luke Turner Christopher Walmsley MUSIC [email protected] Album of The Week Darling Marling Ducktails Ducktails III: Arcade Dynamics Stephen Smith is clearly a fi sher- Woodsist 2011 man... and he’s after the Marlin! ★★★★✩ aura Marling is a remarkable artist. many years my favourite artist, so it pains me She left home at 16 and moved to to say that Laura Marling may be coming close London carrying, you would like to to bettering her. Obviously in situations like imagine, only a guitar, a straw hat this one must take into account that fact that Ducktails is a one man-band consisting of Matthew and a few vinyls. She then befriend- Joni almost single-handedly invented the fe- Mondanile, the guitarist of Real Estate, and this is Led – remarkably, given her shyness – members male singer-songwriter genre whereas Laura is, an album brimming with good-time summer vibes. of lightweight-campfi re-singalong bands Noah in the nicest possible sense, recycling what has Minus the extended drifting of the fi nal track, Ar- and the Whale and, later, Mumford and Sons. already been done, but to say that this makes cade Dynamics consists of short hazy pop songs Most people will have noticed her fi rst singing Joni necessarily better than Laura is to misun- that sound like they were written on the way to the cutesy backing vocals on Mystery Jets’ ‘Young derstand what folk music is about. Clearly folk beach. Mondanile has a way with simple melodies Love’ and Noah’s ‘5 Years Time’ and would music does not extend the boundaries of mu- that stick in the head despite the lo-fi production, have rightly thought her a songstress of little sical possibility as some electronic genres do, and this results in an album that never compels you substance. However, delve even slightly into nor does it constantly yearn for newness and to listen but instead slowly seeps into your subcon- any of her solo work and you will notice a com- freshness as pop music should. Rather, folk is a scious each time you put it on. plete transformation. No longer is she the naïve genre that celebrates the past, that reworks over Jamie Fraser poster girl of such hollow genres as “indie-folk” and over what has already been done in order to or “nu-folk” but rather a songwriter of (almost) reach a perfect musical description of the high Folk music is in good hands the highest quality who contemplates woman- and low points of everyday life. It is exactly 1. Kanye West hood and the hazards of love rather than sunny this that Laura is doing so well. Most lis- days at the zoo. That is not to say that childlike, I have only seen Laura Marling live once, at that the new songs were by far the highlights of 2. Radiohead happy songs are bad: sunny days at the zoo are the Norwich Waterfront in November last year, the set. Two of the new songs, ‘Rest in the Bed’ tened to 3. James Blake some of the happiest memories of my life. How- and it was undoubtedly the best gig I have ever and ‘Night After Night’, have names, the third 4. The xx ever, anyone can write a catchy tune about the been to, partly due to the setting. If you have was a nameless medley. I very highly recom- this week by 5. Muse sun, but it takes great talent to sing about love never been to Norwich, don’t expect anything, mend looking up those two songs on Youtube, 6. Daft Punk and sadness without cliché, something Laura it is a completely average English town. The for they are sublime, send-a-shiver-down-your- Felix Music 7. Crystal Castles manages every time. day I went to see Laura there was the day in No- back, images-of-dark-forests, musically excel- 8. Caribou Many comparisons have been drawn between vember when it started to snow, and the weather lent, lyrically fantastic songs. members on 9. Bon Iver Laura and 60s/70s folk-jazz singer-songwriter transformed Norwich into a beautiful, old, Tu- I can’t express how beautiful those new songs Joni Mitchell, comparisons which I originally dor town. The relevance to Laura’s music was sounded that night, in a beautiful snowy town, last.fm 10. Sleigh Bells thought were either unnecessary attempts at cat- magnifi cent, for her music transforms the me- standing a metre away from one of my favou- egorising her into the folk-hippy compartment diocrity of daily life into something of age-old rite artists, hearing music that was entirely new Join in at: http://www.last.fm/group/Felix+Music of the music world, or else just plain wrong. In beauty. Laura played 13 songs (no encore, she to me and yet sounded as if I had known it all hindsight I can see that these comparisons were considers them arrogant), three from her debut, my life. It was music that evoked the most mel- quite correct. Both artists, on a simple-minded seven from her second album, I Speak Because ancholy memories of my childhood, walking at level, play guitar and sing songs about love and I Can, and three new songs. Naturally, her ten night in the woods, camping in a freezing cold feminity, but much more signifi cantly, Laura already-released songs were wonderful to hear, glade. Listen to these songs and you will hear Make sure not to miss and Joni, until about 1971, have very similar her voice, smokier now than in 2008, chang- true campfi re songs, never will you go back to Bright Eyes high-register vocal styles – listen to Laura’s ing early songs – which appear gentle on Alas I Noah and the Whale or Mumford and Sons. In ‘Flicker and Fail’ and you’d think it was Joni Cannot Swim – into more gritty, 3-dimensional fact, to even mention such bands while listening singing). Thematically, both artists seem to be pieces. Halfway through the set, she was on to Laura’s new music is laughable. She (alleg- Scala, King’s Cross following similar routes, Joni started off sing- the verge of treating us to a rendition of Neil edly) has a new album coming out this month, 14th February @ 20.00 ing light-hearted lovesongs, then more serious Young’s ‘The Needle and the Damage Done’ though the lack of any publicity would suggest lovesongs, songs about children, marriage, the but, much to my annoyance, an audience mem- otherwise. If you have never heard Laura Mar- The time is nearing when end of love, and, fi nally, travel and restlessness; ber insisted on another, less good song. Usually ling’s music before, now is the perfect time to we must kiss the beauti- Laura has followed an identical thematic path, at gigs, much irritation is caused when an art- start listening. If you are already a fan, her next ful folk-rock act Bright though she has not yet reached the last stage, ist insists on playing new rather than old songs, album promises to be phenomenally good, keep Eyes goodbye as they naturally, being only 21. Joni Mitchell was for but it is a testament to Laura’s writing ability on the look-out for a release date. are retiring the moniker forever. Conor Oberst will surely continue to explore the depths of the human condition through Metronomy are more smoothed and rounded than ‘A thing been suitably rehashed by many bands, his other outings, but it will never be the same. Bright for me’. If this is a good indicator, their forth- updated into the new millennium and un- Eyes are unique in their passionate delivery of folk, She Waits coming album ‘The English Riveria’ is cer- leashed upon Radio 1. This, the debut effort striking an emotionally resonant chord with roman- Because Music tainly looking out for when it comes out in by London based band Chapel Club may fit tics and heartbroken lovers across the globe. Their ★★★✩✩ April. Christopher Walmsley into the aforementioned description; deso- latest album The People’s Key stands as a monument late (but not quite depressing) vocals, verses to the sheer force of the band at their peak and this It’s always a nervous wait for new material littered with guitar sprawl, accompanied (probably ultimate) London show will feature new hits after a band has released a truly great album, Chapel Club with a punchy rhythm section. The formula amongst old classics. It’s the perfect gig for Valen- and that wait has ended for Metronomy with is incredibly well executed and results in a tine’s Day: when Conor starts singing “First Day of this free single released on their website. In- Palace remarkably accomplished album for a first Loog Records My Life” that’s when you take your man/lady-friend to stead of going for an overtly upbeat theme, release. However with all the echoes of simi- ★★★✩✩ what I like to call “The Bone Zone”. Can I get an amen ‘She Waits’ is in contrast a groove infused larly influenced bands such as Editors and brotha’? Aw, yeah... Greg Power with subtle melodies that with repeated lis- White Lies, it is hard to find much original- tens become infectious. It is intentionally less The darker 80’s sounds of The Smiths, Joy ity here. quirky than say ‘Radio Ladio’ and the synths Division, and Echo and the Bunnymen have Christopher Walmsley FELIX Friday 11 february 2011 27 MUSIC

Some Valentines New Musical Express love for your ears. You know what to As those at NME continue to ruin the minds of the musically naïve, do... enforcing their ‘law-of-music’, their live shows give us hope You Can Leave Your Hat On The New Musical Express, perhaps White Lies, Miles Kane, The Bee’s, We might have mentioned our favor- Tom Jones better known as the NME, may have Noah and the Whale, Yuck, Warpa- ite musical alumni before, and we wont lost some of its influence since it was int, and someone who used to be in the hesitate to mention him again. Caribou championing the Beatles and Roll- Libertines, there are some other gigs to returns to London, no doubt remind us Book Of The Month ing Stones. The invasion of the in- you should know about: why his album ‘Swim’ was one of the Lovage ternet has certainly chipped away at Isobel Cambel’s ongoing project fi nest releases of 2010. He plays on the print media’s appeal, and perhaps one with Mark Lanegan (a man with a voice 22nd, a fi ne way to close , that is un- could argue that music hacks have so gravelly he could grit roads), returns less you’d rather go for a bit more post First Day Of My Life been one of the worst hit. However back to the UK once more with their hardcore in which case its is Les Savy Bright Eyes the NME’s portfolio has expanded, show at Shepherds Bush on the 15th. Fav you should be seeing at Heaven. and since 1999 they have been giving Expect twee americana that is often Christopher Walmsley out some gongs to some bands for be- compared to Nancy Sinatra and Lee Let’s Get It On ing the best, the worst and the most Hazlewood. While Isobel and Marks Marvin Gaye villainous. Awards shows may also be alliance may seem unlikely, or even un- looked upon with a spoonful of cyni- holy, their folk musings are well worth cism; as purely masseurs for overin- a listen. Give It To Me Baby flated rockstar egos. Don’t hold that If Sonic Youth had a bastard child Rick James notion against the celebratory gigs with Dinosaur Junior, then it might that are happening right here in the well have been Yuck. A band that loves capital throughout February, in the a bit of fl ange (…in an effect pedal con- Je T’aime, Moi Non build up to the big event on the 23rd. text, you fi lthy people) and clipping the Plus It all kicked off with Metronomy at shit out of their distortion boxes they Serge Gainsbourg Heaven, who have tentatively started day saw performance by punk legends are causing some teenage riots at Bush rearing their heads in the run up to the Gang of Four and also bright indie up- Hall on the 18th. They will be joined by release of what could potentially be starts Los Campesinos. Cults, a band where you can search for VCR one of the albums of the year. The next But to the future! Aside from gigs by melody under a cascade of noise Yucking awesome! Tyler The Creator

Closer Vetoes Nine Inch Nails EP Launch @ The Social say that any concerns I might have had talent and far-reaching ambitions of the vealed the expansiveness of Vetoes’ tech- about reviewing Vetoes’ performance band. As much as I enjoy the post-punk nical skills, as well as their love for al- 7th February, 2011 were thwarted as soon as the band hit the guitars and sing-along choruses of EP ternating uplifting melodies with all-out Book Of Love Greg Power stage of The Social, among a room full of tracks such as “Melting Clocks”, it is cock-rock spazz attacks. These guys are Peter Gabriel friends, family and fans for the launch of their new material that really gets me ex- on to something very special indeed and It was always going to be tough re- their debut EP Ritalin/Ritalout. cited. Far more adventurous in nature and their fan-base will without a doubt keep viewing a gig for the band that is headlin- Giving out the EP for free was a great skirting into experimental, unclassifi able growing fast if they keep writing tunes If you want to share a ing our own music night (19.02 @Metric, touch for one, but more importantly their genre-bending territory, the tracks played like these. Catch them at 19.02, before mind-blowing playlist send Saturday 19th February). I am pleased to music speaks lengths about the musical at The Social for the fi rst time ever re- they hit the big time! it in to music.felix@gmail. com 28 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX

Film Editors: Jade Hoffman Ed Knock FILM fi [email protected] Classic Cinema True Grit is a force Kramer vs. Kramer to be reckoned with True Grit Director Ethan Coen, Joel Coen Screenwriter Ethan Coen, Joel Coen, Charles Portis (novel) Cast Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, Hailee Steinfeld, Josh Brolin. Guo Heng Chin Dustin Hoffman: child-snatcher True Grit was truly a surprise at the Golden Globes. Not for any record breaking achieve- With Valentine’s Day approaching, I realise that it’s ment but rather for its surprising lack of rec- pretty pessimistic to be reviewing Kramer vs. Kramer ognition. The film was hailed as one of the – a milestone of a film that discussed the then-rare racehorses set for a slew of gongs during the topic of divorce in frank, almost brutal honesty. Nev- awards season, but gasp! The Coen brother’s ertheless, Kramer vs. Kramer was a hit at the Oscars latest western was not even graced with a sin- in the late 70s and continues to be an enduring em- gle nomination at the Globes. bodiment of modern families. Starring the ineffable A remake of the Oscar-winning 1969 film duo of Meryl Streep and Dustin Hoffman as a couple based on a novel by Charles Portis, True Grit parting ways, leaving their young son caught in be- is the story a 14-year old Mattie Ross seeking tween, Kramer vs. Kramer could be considered to be to bring justice upon the coward Tom Chaney pioneering in the way it portrayed its characters. who murdered her father. True Grit is the Lord Released in 1979, the film reflects feminist move- of the Rings in a western genre, as Mattie’s quest ments at the time by having the housewife, Joanna brings her on an epic journey in the great wilder- Kramer (Streep) as the one to cut and run. In her ness of the Indian Territory in 19th century US. wake, father, Ted Kramer (Hoffman) and their six-year Her Aragorn and Boromir are renegade US Mar- old son are shaken to the core, their comfortable, shall Rooster Cogburn played by Jeff Bridges, routine lives irreversibly altered. We watch Ted – pre- and straight-laced Texan ranger LaBoeuf played viously the stereotypical workaholic father – and his by Matt Damon. It a tale of growing up and in- son both struggle to understand what has happened, nocence lost (the way Frodo lost his to Sam…). and try to form some kind of life without Joanna. For all the gunshots seen and heard in the Streep, though not on screen nearly as much as trailer, True Grit is more drama than action. It Hoffman, is strongly felt in her absence and her ap- is a masterful contemplation on the nature of pearances as the isolated wife in turmoil, fighting vengeance and female strength in a Wild West Jeff Bridges snaps after one too many Pirates vs. Cowboys questions for custody of her abandoned son, are measured backdrop with a bunch of unruly gunslingers. It and impeccably delivered. Hoffman meanwhile car- challenges the motive of those seeking to bring ries the film well with young actor Justin Henry (who justice in their own hands, when the line be- You can’t watch True Grit without being time. Nevertheless, the Coen brothers have a never beat this performance and instead faded into tween revenge and justice becomes blurred. A warmed by the strength of will and determination knack for staying faithful to the book, just as semi-obscurity), trying to gather their world together first time foray into the western genre, the Coen of Mattie Ross in seeking justice for her dead fa- they did with No Country for Old Men. in a moving, daring and truly excellent film. brothers’ gun standoffs are superb and stylish. ther. Played by newcomer Hailee Steinfeld, she Set in the epic wilderness of the Indian Territo- It is not as thoroughly miserable as this synopsis There’s even a Tarantino-style scene! may be a damsel but she certainly not distressed. ry, this must be one of the most scenic westerns. sounds, though –there are funny moments, such as The plot of the movie unfolds in its own sweet Mattie Ross is the epitome of the strong female The soundtrack by the Coen brother’s long time the classic father-son bonding-over-peeing scene time as if reading a Frank Herbert novel. Scenes lead and in some ways, Republican values of collaborator, Carter Burwell brings to life the that seems to have got rehashed somehow in Adam like the 10-minute introduction to Rooster Cog- self-reliance and independence from the estab- spirit of adventure in the sweeping wilderness, Sandler’s Big Daddy. But for a film about divorce – a burn may well falter and become a drag, butut not lishmentlishment.. As she ggoes through her adventure, we in the manner of the late John Barry’s theme topic that so often gets chewed over in Hollywood under the direction and script of the Coen broth-rothh-- for the score of Dances with Wolves. Burwell’s films for easy dramatic effect – Kramer vs. Kramer is ers. The script is peppered with sardonic witt andand theme for Mattie Ross evokes her taste for ad- one of the most delicate and touching portrayals of dark, deadpan humour and, together withh the venture and ever-present optimism amidst the this intimate family tragedy. heavy southern twang, they make the film such TheThe Coen brothers’ gun harsh challenges she faces. All in all, it’s a well- fun to watch. Though the film’s motley creww and composed modern cowboy score. Jade Hoffman their humorous antics in trying to get alonggare are standoffs are supersuperbb anandd As if retribution for going unrecognized in priceless, what makes the film a must-watch is the Golden Globes, True Grit wrath is felt in Jeff Bridge’s character. The shoot-first-talk-later stylish. the BAFTAs and Oscars with 8 BAFTA nomi- EVENTS Cogburn, is the antithesis of the cavalier cowboy nations and a stonking 10 for the Academy from classic western flicks. Though a lawman, Awards. Perhaps the 6000 plus filmmakers and iCU Cinema - Made in Dagenham his actions are sometimes questionable and as actors at the Academy who are responsible for £3/£4 for members/non-members Jeff Bridges describes it, he has a foot on“ both see her transform, lose her innocence, and ulti- voting found True Grit to be more to their taste Tue 15th Feb 6.30pm sides of the law. Mattie Ross hired him to hunt mately learn the price of retribution. than the 60-odd film critics at the Hollywood Thu 17th Feb 9:00pm. down Tom Chaney due to his reputation as a Josh Brolin plays the villain, Tom Chaney. His Foreign Press Association who decides who gets Union Concert Hall man with ‘true grit’. Rooster Cogburn is such character was built up from what the protagonist what in the Golden Globes. a likable character, not just for his don’t-give- talked about him, until we are finally introduced Whether you are up for some cowboy action a-damn charisma but because beneath the gritty to him in a climactic meeting.” It’s particularly or some drama, True Grit is well worth watch- exterior, there lies a knight who rides in and save enjoyable to see Brolin’s wonderful character ing. All in all, True Grit shows us that a woman’s the day when Mattie is in need. in action, and I wished that he got more screen wrath is truly a force to be reckoned with. FELIX Friday 11 february 2011 29 FILM What does it means to Passionate and cool: be a human being? not just another film Never Let Me Go about boxing... Director Mark Romanek Screenwriter Alex Garland, Kazuo The Fighter Ishiguro (novel) Director Cast David O. Russell Carey Mulligan, Keira Screenwriter Scott Silver, Paul Knightley, Andrew Garfield Tamasy, Eric Johnson Cast Mark Wahlberg, Christian John Park Bale, Amy Adams

Welcome to Hailsham, an idyllic Eng- Hilarity ensues at the thought of Keira Knightley eating a full meal Jake Lea-Wilson lish boarding school in the peaceful countryside. Students of Hailsham are Do we really need another boxing film? special and the headmistress Miss Emily intense performance marking the film’s in a depressing monologue delivered as Can anyone make a film that will better (Charlotte Rampling) emphasises that most highlighted scene with utmost warmly as possible by Miss Lucy (Sally the much loved Rocky? Or a film that is the students’ well-being is of paramount confidence. Hawkins). Instead, Romanek is inter- as aesthetically pleasing as Raging Bull, importance. Nothing seems to be out of Mulligan also plays a central role ested in the consequences our characters which has the reputation of being so the ordinary for this seemingly prestig- which, though not an obviously showy face and the lack of free will all human beautiful that each frame could be hung Nobody has ever looked as ious school but these young and naïve part, is deeply moving in its subdued beings should be entitled to. Donating on a wall as a piece of art? Will we ever uncomfortable as Wahlberg here students have no idea what awful future and warm delivery. Anyone who’s seen your organs is a selfless act, but being see a true story documentary as thrilling awaits them. Indeed, the students of Mulligan in An Education knows just forced into this – manufactured for it – and as exciting as Rumble In The Jun- Hailsham are special. They have been how much potential and talent the young when you’re barely thirty is horrifying. gle? The trailer for The Fighter leaves role (life-threateningly thin for The Ma- created artificially to be used as donors English actress possesses. With Never A couple of undeveloped ideas do us guessing. chinist, bulky-hunk for Batman Begins) of vital organs for people in the outside Let Me Go we are firmly reminded that make us question the validity of the The Fighter tells the story of Micky but you would swear that he’s a been world. Essentially, the school is a for- all praise was justified and she holds a film’s ending. Some of its elements Ward Micky (Mark Wahlberg) who crack-smoking, street-cleaner for the ever functioning genetic factory. great deal of promise. But the true rev- seem too forced for the sake of the mel- reaches the heights of the world of box- majority of his life with this character. Based on the best-selling book by Ka- elation of the film is the new rising star ancholy mood. Because it spends too ing in 2000 by becoming light welter- Personally I don’t think Bale should be zuo Ishiguro, the adaptation of Never Garfield. Looking worryingly thin and much time zooming in on the characters’ weight world champion. Though he up for the Best Supporting Oscar but Let Me Go follows Kathy, Ruth and pale, his shy, soft-spoken character is in expressions and love triangle, it hardly achieves this with the help of his friends should be up for Best Leading Actor; he Tommy (Carey Mulligan, Keira Knight- stark contrast to his confident, slick per- tackles the important issues which are and family, the film really centres on the far outshines Wahlberg as an eccentric ley and Andrew Garfield); three young formance in The Social Network. As he instead rather hastily wrapped up in a conflict within this group, with the star and as a socialite. “students” of Hailsham who are caught struggles to fully voice what’s going on clumsy voiceover. Although leaving the of the show instead being Micky’s broth- What David O. Russell has achieved up in this disturbing drama. Even from in his head, the often clueless nature of viewers to do much thinking is not bad er, Dickey (Christian Bale): a washed- is a different kind of boxing story: an a young age, they are bound by a love his character is captured with fine preci- in its entirety, the film’s focus appears to up, drug-addicted, ex-boxer who trains exciting, enticing and elevating story. triangle that develops into an awkward sion by the young actor. shift somewhere along the way. Micky. The other key characters that Think of the coolness that Three Kings relationship as they grow up. As a ru- Another feature of the film which What it means to be a human being, play their roles in this conflict, include achieved with its expert use of music mour spreads that a couple truly in love plays well is the lack of mystery around how our souls and bodies function are his mouths-to-feed manager/mother, I- and apply this to an exciting boxing sto- will be given a “deferral,” a few years’ the fact that these clones were created for important issues to address in this time believe-in-my-son father, hot-red-head ry. It’s got success written all over it and extension on their short lives, this is the purpose of becoming donor. There is of much technological advancement. love interest and take-no-shit trainer. the downfalls are few and far between. brought to a crunch. Hope runs high, absolutely no action/thriller component To an extent Never Let Me Go gets you The passion between the brothers is Though we don’t see much of the fieri- but not everything can resolve itself in in the film and director Mark Romanek started in that thought process. Whether captured beautifully, and it’s not really ness of the love interest, and perhaps a neat and painless way. Mulligan and wisely chooses to steer away from a you are moved enough to think deeper about Micky winning the world title but more of Dickey’s time in jail would have Garfield both have chances to show off overly twist-filled and puzzling tone. about the subject matters is entirely up about Dickey getting over his crack ad- been interesting for the viewer, these are in the story’s climax, and they embrace There are many hints throughout and the to you, but for me, this was an unques- diction. Christian Bale has always been all just small blemishes on what is the their dramatic moments, with Garfield’s revelation comes at a very early stage, tionably depressing and touching film. one to drastically alter his body for a complete finish of an excellent film. 30 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX

Food Editors: Dana Li Vicky Jeyaprakash FOOD [email protected] Gastronomical Musings The Valentine’s dessert An Anti-Valentine’s Recipe: Vicky says: Bobla Gnay explains how it’s done A Taste of Freedom

Ahhh Valentine’s Day, how I love you. Happy days are Cha-Ney Kim Even if you’re single, you should celebrate Val- here again. I shall refrain from unnecessary acerbic ingletons hear me out, it’s com- entine’s Day rather than commiserate. In fact, comments on the signifi cance of the day (bitter- ing up to that time of year again... the real winners of Valentine’s Day are those ness of the spinster) and skip to the part I love: you’re reminded that you are very who are free from having to scramble around the food. Decanters of red wine, chocolate in shiny single, lonely, cold and depressed. to secure scented candles, roses, chocolate truf- foil wrappers, strawberries in champagne and half However, you have in your sights fl es, champagne, restaurant reservations and shelled oysters would make any schmaltzy, cheesy, Sa gorgeously hot girl you have REALLY want- other such curiously expensive ammunition to sentimental (and many other words that mean the ed to impress since fi rst casting your eyes on quell the threat of a serious nuclear shitstorm. same thing) “holiday” worth it’s while in my book. the back of her head during lectures, but “Oh However, if you can’t help feeling a bit put out Valentine’s Day was made for the foodie or for those no!” She is playing hard-to-get: ignoring your by the whole thing, why not turn to an excess with the love of the set menu, depending on your gestures, blanking your advances. Quite frank- of bachelor junk food (we’re talking ribs, fried gastronomical bent. Either way, whatever way you ly it’ll take nothing short of bathing yourself chicken, chips, nachos, pizza...) to keep you on decide to indulge, the importance of fl ower giving in the Russell Brand’s pheromones for your a high? I came across a brilliant suggestion for cannot be underestimated. Even better is if you can sorry-ass self to ever get noticed by this gem an anti-Valentine’s activity online. Watch “My go that extra mile and sneak in a few extra blooms of a girl, who is, by the way, completely out of Bloody Valentine 3D” while eating Devonshire into your meal. Rose Martinis and lavender icing are your league. sandwich – a fi lthy, comforting savoury treat girlie and romantic for a reason: all the soft pastels But fear not, there’ll be no need to lick Rus- from Pittsburgh, where the movie was shot. or sexy vibrant hues set the mood. However fl owers sell Brand’s armpits this year. With this one are especially expensive around this special day, dessert, she’ll be blown away by your culinary so alternatively try Roccoco Chocolates Mini Flower expertise! She’ll be thinking “W-O-W! Where Devonshire Sandwich Chocolate Bars for £5. They taste divine and the has this guy been all my life???” and before wrappers are a treat in themselves. Tuck a rose in you know it… BOOM, she’s all yours. 50g butter, melted the ribbon and I’m sure your lady friend would ap- According to Cosmopolitan (the Wikipedia 40g fl our prove of your generosity. for understanding girls), every girl secretly “After much research, it 30g cheddar cheese, grated dreams for a man, so that’s your chances gone 150ml chicken stock John Lewis boy… ha! Nah I’m just kidding. After much has been found that... 150ml hot milk research, it has been found that (I hope you A pinch of salt are ready for this), chicks love cooks! A guy chicks love COOKS!” 2 slices toast with crusts trimmed off with the ability to whip up an amazing meal is A few slices of bacon, cooked crisp a man destinied for success, a master in mak- Get a bowl and mix together the mascarpone, A few slices of cooked turkey breast ing every girl’s heart melt, a man capable of the double cream and the icing sugar. Keeping melted butter launching a thousand ships, each crammed on mixing until it’s a nice smooth consistency. parmesan cheese full of adoring loving female fans. With this Put on some clean gloves (get your scientist paprika one gesture, that man could be you. Dammit friends to grab you a pair of those disposable by the end of Valentine’s Day this year, your ones from labs or hospital) To make the cheese sauce, melt the butter in face will in the dreams of every girl at Imperi- Crush the digestive biscuits into a bowl so a pan and add the fl our, stirring constantly. Add al who has heard, in the wind, whisperings of they are nice and crumbly. Melt the butter in the chicken broth and then the hot milk and your culinary marksmanship. Statistics show the microwave and pour into the bowl with the salt, and cook on a low heat for 5-10 minutes. that 67% of women admit to having slept with biscuits. Mix the butter and the biscuits. Remove from the heat and mix in the cheddar cooks before, 78% of women admit to fan- Carefully line the bottom of your glassware cheese. Leave to cool. tasising about men cooking before, and here with the biscuit/butter mix and press down with Preheat the oven to 230C. Place the slices is the match winning goal, 100% of women your fi nger or a teaspoon to compact together of toast in adish and top with bacon and tur- admit to having food in the hours before bed, the crumble mixture. Eventually you’ll have key. Cover completely with the cheese sauce. Flowers, hearts and candy. Tick, tick, tick therefore you know for sure what’s happen- your glassware lined at the base with a layer of Drizzle with a little melted butter. Sprinkle with ing next after she eats your dessert! Laugh out biscuit just under 1 cm thick. paprika and parmesan. Bake 10 to 15 minutes loud. Truely. Add in your mascarpone/cream/icing sugar or until golden brown. Aki Matsushima Anyways, how true the stuff above is I don’t mixture, leaving space at the top for your blue- know. Yeah fi ne I could have ‘overcooked’ the berry topping. Look for this voucher every week to enjoy kickass stats you see above, but in all honesty this re- Place your glassware with the biscuit cream mavra_chang/flickr waffl es at Waffl emeister for the next month and a ally is one tasty dessert which I highly recom- mixture inside into the fridge to cool. half – you know you want to... mend for you to try out and I can assure you, it Turn on your stove, medium head and fi nd a will go down a treat! nice small saucepan. Add to it the blueberries and your caster sugar. Heat it up until the sugar has melted and BY’s Valentine Dessert the blueberries have released their juice onto Costs: £7 max the sugar turning forming a deep purple colour. Preparation time: 30 minutes This should take around 3 minutes. CARE – Makes 3-4 (when using wine glasses) don’t overcook the sugar or else it would burn and then disaster, you’ll set your fi re alarm off Ingredients: causing your hallmates to kill you. 150g Blueberries Take your glassware out the fridge and care- 3 tablespoon caster sugar fully spoon over the top your blueberry top- 250g tub mascarpone ping. This should create a beautiful purple 4 tablespoon icing sugar topping over a white creamy base interlaced 5 tablespoons of double cream with a few drips of the blueberry sauce coming 5 digestive biscuits through, lined at the bottom with biscuit base. 25g butter Place your pot back into the fridge to cool 2 clear glass containers for serving (small until the time comes when you want to serve it. Nutella jars works well or wine glasses) Voila! You are done! Easy. When pink hearts just ain’t ya thang... FELIX Friday 11 february 2011 31 FOOD How not to shell out for the ultimate luxury, oysters Aki Matsushima shows you how to impress and indulge your date on the cheap fotoosvonrobin/flickr s there any food more seductive shucking shellfi sh in wellies and gloves. There’s a cover charge of a couple of than the oyster, with its shells If slurping while sitting in the warm quid or so, but still! brimming with succulent juic- indoors seems like a better idea in these Pescatori is expensive, as expected es? Knowing where to look, the bitter English months containing the let- from the luxe locations of Mayfair and classic Valentine’s Day treat for ter R, there are still some excellent op- Charlotte Street. But what if you could grown-upsI is cheaper than you’d think. tions. Loch Fyne in Covent Garden is pay for a visit with money you didn’t High-end food markets are great plac- a relatively casual affair for a seafood know you had? You can exchange your es to fi nd affordable oysters. You’ve got restaurant. It’s popular with a merry, Tesco clubcard points for triple points to to have them standing up, but you know relaxed clientele of West End theatre- spend at Pescatori. Their cooked dishes it’s better that way sometimes. goers. At £9.50 for a half dozen, the are mediocre, but you can’t go far wrong The Partridges Saturday food market pricing isn’t particularly modest oyster- with oysters or seafood platters where near Sloane Square tops the list with the wise. Nevertheless, it’s worth a mention there’s such little cooking and seasoning Maldon Oyster Company stall selling a involved. half dozen for a mere, crumpled fi ver. Just be sure that your date is someone Compare this with the Harrods seafood “It’s seedy-chic and who understands that your act of pay- bar, where you’ll pay £14 more for the ing with Tesco vouchers is practical and same thing, get elbowed by tourists, and their offer of six rock impressive, rather than downright stingy still be expected to tip the staff for being and unattractive. Alternatively, settle the inattentive. This delicious little market, oysters and a fl ute of bill while they’ve gone to the bathroom just outside the elegant Saatchi gallery, champagne for £7.50 and keep the romance alive. also has a SoBo chocolates stall who make the absolute best double choco- is irresistible...” Partridges Food Market, Duke of late cookies -- devilishly sweet and rich. York Square SW3 4LY Nearest tube: Oysters contain just 10 calories each, so for having one of the capital’s best value Sloane Square, Saturdays 10am to there’s no reason not to indulge in the seafood platters and some generous of- 4pm other delectable offerings. fers online (http://www.lochfyne.com/ Shell Seekers, Middle Market inside This also applies to Borough Market, wYou can get £10 off bills over £30 until Borough Market, Nearest tubes: Lon- which needs no introduction. There are 13th February). don Bridge/Borough a few places you can pick up oysters in If you ever decide to swap your pre- Loch Fyne Covent Garden, 2-4 Cath- Borough, but I love the simplicity of the ferred Wednesday afternoon activity erine St WC2B 5JY. 020 7240 4999 £1 oysters at Shell Seekers. It’s hardly a from team sport to decadence and de- Nearest tube: Covent Garden glamorous experience when the food is bauchery then head to Randall and Au- Randall and Aubin, 16 Brewer St, served on polystyrene trays in a fi shmon- bin in Soho. It’s seedy-chic and their W1F 0SQ. 020 7287 4447 Nearest ger stall setting. However, a true foodie offer of six rock oysters and a fl ute of tube: Piccadilly Circus would be most excited by the taste of champagne for £7.50 (weekdays 3pm- Pescatori, 11 Dover St, W1S 4LH. the freshest oysters between some live- 6pm) is irresistible to the student lib- 020 7493 2652 Nearest tube: Probably not the most attractive of aphrodisiacs but whatever works, eh? ly banter with the shopkeeper, who’s ertine. Yes, it is too good to be true. Green Park 32 Friday 11 february 2011 felix Television Editors: Matt Allinson Veronika McQuadeova

TELEVISION [email protected] What We Watched... Sex, Drugs & Growing Old James Simpson gets wicki low with da Tee to the Vee Skins drops the old format, but is it really that bad?

It’s that time when all the post-Christmas series are Corrie Berry coming to an end, and writing this column is really dif- ficult when there’s sod all on telly, so a couple of the Skins, Season 5, has just started, and the shows could possibly be repeats. They should be just first comment on Twitter was “Where is as good as when they were first broadcast though so all the sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll?” no complaining. Following a cast of teenagers through Lark Rise to Candleford is one of those pro- Sixth Form, the show provides a com- grammes that is guaranteed to bring a smile to your mentary on life in Bristol for 16 to 18 face. Set in 19th-century Oxfordshire, the delightful year olds attending Roundview College. series is based upon an autobiography written by Seasons 1 and 2 were totally unique, ad- Flora Thomson about a young girl sent to the local dressing (among other issues) teenage market town to begin an apprenticeship with the pregnancy, loss of a parent and death of a postmistress. Not many costume dramas manage to friend. School was treated as a platform effect a whole spectrum of emotion whilst bestow- for social dramas; the only academic is- ing a few good moral scruples, and that’s what re- sue being coursework deadlines – met I’m sorry, but nobody dresses like the guy second from the right. Well, not ally makes Lark Rise stand out as the epitome of after an all-nighter at a groaning com- at Imperial anyway... Dammit Imperial! cheer-me-up-it’s-Sunday viewing. It’s just beautiful. puter. Along the way, we were treated The filming of the series must have been terribly dif- to gratuitous amounts of sex, drug and ficult due to its dependence on cloudless skies in alcohol. Seasons 3 and 4 addressed the Season 4. Season 5 opens with Dakota immediately know someone who is all but one episode. Postman Thomas’s musings on same themes in a slightly different way, Blue Richards, of “The Golden Com- Rich. Again, a totally different tone to the “ways of the almighty” and half-witted housemaid with a revitalised cast that brought a few pass” playing Franky, the character any of the characters we have seen pre- Minnie’s constant worryings and faux-pas are funnier added surprises. The second casting ini- around whom the first episode centres. viously, and a complete divergence from than most of the egregious bunk which falls under tially met resistance, but was ultimately Instead of rampant sex, alcoholism any familiar storyline. the banner of ‘comedy’ today. accepted as the fourth season came to a and drug abuse, this character is quiet, We have had a couple of hints at the The rather ominously titled The Chinese are Com- shocking and nail-biting conclusion. clearly disturbed, and so awkward that I rest of the cast – Grace, a ballerina, who ing’ – thankfully not a government-commissioned The show picked up a number of cringed as I watched. seems too good to be true, but is clearly porno – tells the story of the said government’s im- awards, including a BAFTA and a Gold- Instead of aiming to shock, the writers a deeper character than she appears on moral and rapacious ravishment of any African coun- en Rose for outstanding drama and best appear to have changed their observa- the surface; Mini, a Queen Bee (think try happening to be in a sufficient state of poverty. titles. Names such as Nicholas Hoult, tion of teenage life, concentrating on “Mean Girls” but a west country accent); Kenneth Brannagh returned this week in the title from “About A Boy” and Dev Patel the progression from awkward teenager Matty, an enigmatic mystery man who role of the BBC’s adaptation of the Swedish detec- from “Slumdog Millionaire” rubbed to adult instead of jumping straight into has stared down the barrel of a gun and tive series Wallander. The Swedish version is occa- shoulders with relative unknowns, who fully-fledged badly-behaved adults. sex-obsessed Alo, the token ginger. sionally shown on BBC4 and is actually much better were no less brilliant despite their in- Skins 1 to 4 were so shocking because So far, I withhold judgement. I don’t - though you really have to be ‘in the mood for sub- experience, particularly the one unify- they left audiences asking the question know why I loved the first two casts so titles’ to fully appreciate it. Some of the gore-laden ing character over the cast change: Effy “Do teenagers really behave like this?” much – probably because they were so scenes are almost as disturbing as Gary Gilitter’s Stonem, played by Kaya Scodelario. Of The probable answer was no; the format out-of-this-world that it was fascinat- idea of a dirty weekend, but don’t forget to show off particular surprise was the way the casts of the show necessarily had to change. ing to watch, instead of what felt like how intellectual you are because you watched some- seem to adjust to their roles with appar- The second episode features Rich, a an in-depth exploration of the teenage thing on BBC4. ent ease; mature content is convincingly ‘metalhead’ – stubborn, obsessed with psyche. I’ve found the use of awkward ITV’s new thriller Marchlands, having had a full portrayed by actors as young as 14. (In- metal, trying to get the girl, and so Im- silences and stilted conversation re- page ad devoted to it in The Times, looked as though cidentally, MTV has just started airing perial that anybody who watches it will ally uncomfortable; but the show is still it may be better than the usual commercial-splat- the American equivalent and are now compelling, and perhaps the thing that is tered arse-gravy that ITV generally broadcast. Star- facing child pornography charges, with so strange now will revitalise it and give ring Dean Andrews (Ray from Life on Mars/Ashes to their youngest cast member at 15.) “Think Mean Girls, but with a it a different kind of edge. I don’t know Ashes) it is based around the lives of three families The third generation cast has totally where the writers are going to take it but in the same (rather spooky) house, spread twenty replaced any recurring characters from west country accent” I will be sticking around to find out. years apart. Strange happenings build up the suspense nice- ly but the (presumably low) special effects budget mustn’t have permitted anything more than a few misbehaving domestic appliances, unexpected fac- What to watch this week es in mirrors and a fall from a stepladder (...scary times!). Other than that it’s actually rather good! Commer- cial breaks are more irritating when experienced via the ultra-low-resolution ITVPlayer because the ad Friday Saturday Sunday Monday break is long enough to put the kettle on but too short to make a brew. They are obviously not from Reggae Britannia Air Force One BAFTAs One Born Every Minute the North. People who are too ashamed to go A film so bad it’s not only good, Or as they’ll call them from now Valentine’s in front of the telly? If you didn’t get the box-set for Christmas (or your to the doctors do so on TV... it’s incredible. on, the “Colins”. Watch babies come out of vaginas. mum didn’t) Julian Fellowes’ (recently Baron Fellow- BBC4, 9pm BBC3 , 9.45pm BBC2, 8pm C4, 9pm es of West Stafford) pre-WWI costume drama Down- ton Abbey which stars Hugh Bonneville and Maggie Tuesday Wednesday Thursday If you missed it... Smith (also Brendan Coyle and Ruby Bentall from Lark Rise), is definitely a must-see! (And it’s repeat- The Nutty Professor Air Force One Skins Outcasts ing on ITV at the moment). Still down about Valentines Day? Twice?! In two weeks?! This is Do you agree with the review? I The Beeb make a gripping drama This will sort you out. why I pay my license fee! do, but only because Corrie hits with a refreshing lack of corsets. ITV1 , 10.30pm BBC3, 10pm me. E4, 10pm iPlayer RAVEmetric 18 February 2011 / 20:00 - 02:00

Metric only 18 February 2011 20:00 - 02:00 Buy your tickets NOW Online £6.00 On the door £8.00 imperial college union .org/metric

imperialcollegeunion.org/metric 34 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX

Games Editor: Simon Worthington

GAMES [email protected] Web Games A mad, mixed bag of tricks Each week we’re going to bring you a selection of fresh, free and fun web games that you can play right away in your browser. Unless otherwise specified, Laurence Pope is too much of a n00b to play Magicka you’re going to need the Adobe Flash Player plug-in which can be installed from http://get.adobe.com/ flashplayer/. hh, cosplay. There’s nothing I like more than putting on my robe and wizard hat, striding round the Queen’s Lawn and Sushi Cat 2 waving about my enormous Amagical staff, casting spells of such power that armorgames.com/play/10471 mere mortals can only gasp in awe. Then, some killjoy policeman arrests me for public inde- cency, or something like that. Oh right, this is a review, my bad. So, Magic- ka. Magicka is a… well, I’m not quite sure what genre it fi ts into, but action-adventure/ quasi-RPG probably does it justice. Developed by Arrowhead Game Studios, Magicka is one big parody from start to fi nish, satirizing RPGs and drawing heavily from a variety of cultural references including, but not limited to: inter- net memes, the Zelda game series and the Brit- ish classic, Monty Python. I’m not usually a fan of RPGs, in much the This is a daily occurence in the basement of Blackett same way that I’m not the world’s greatest fan of strychnine, so I was initially a little hesitant It has a cat. It has sushi – with faces. Oh, and it’s to start playing Magicka. However, I am noth- rect fallen comrades, and Water and Steam will up fancy spells or Magicks – you pick the sim- Japanese. That should be all you need to know that ing if not open to new games and genres, so I summon a temporary rainstorm. The driving ple yet effective stuff and spam it relentlessly. this is cutest, most kawaii game you’re ever likely to decided to give it a sporting chance, donning force behind the game is very much the discov- This problem only intensifi es when the screen play on this side of the world. Sushi Cat is on a mis- my wizard robe and hat to get into character ery of all the different elemental combos, with is visually cluttered, and fi ne control of your sion to rescue his beloved, but he’s going to have to before loading it up. a generic ‘follow a linear pathway and kill the spells is nigh impossible. A popup tip tells you eat a bucketful of sushi first. Drop the bouncy kitty The game revolves around combining eight evil boss’ – which in itself satirises most other that you can see what spells others are cast- and watch him nom is way through the sashimi and different magical elements – Water, Cold, RPGs – binding everything together. ing and use that information against them, but tofu. Brilliant! Lightning, Arcane, Earth, Fire, Life and Shield Magicka feels very much a game for people it’s a fi lthy lie. I couldn’t tell the small fl oat- The gameplay isn’t exactly challenging, but it – into spells. These elements can be cast alone with a lot of enthusiasm and time to spend ex- ing magical particles apart in the maelstrom of doesn’t need to be. Collecting the light bites is, for or, for greater effect, combined in different and ploring its every nuance, spell and secret area, chaos I was embroiled in; it was far simpler to some reason, enjoyable enough and extremely ad- interesting ways. For example, Fire will cast... because there are a lot of them. The few hours I just fry everything with fi re lightning. dictive. Graphics too are a highlight, with the some well, fi re, but combine Fire and Water and you could snatch playing it were far from suffi cient Co-op mode only exacerbates the problem. of the highest-quality visuals it’s possible to find in get their proud bastard child Steam. Likewise, to explore every spell combo and in the end I Ignoring the fact every server I found was a Flash game. the Earth element fi res off boulders but com- pulled a Darth Sidious and spammed forked laggy as hell and fi nding games was an exer- bine it with Fire and you get FIREBALLS. fl aming lightning everywhere like it was going cise in frustration, I could no longer shoot bolts There are also Magicks, which you ‘learn’ out of fashion. of burning energy about without torching at by fi nding spell books scattered about the land. This brings me very neatly to my fi rst gripe. least one, or more often, all, of my colleagues, Rebuild These are not regular attacks, but special el- You may have a huge array of spells to pick which put a bit of a damper on the whole ex- emental combinations that have to be cast with from, but when a group of goblins/wizards/ perience. As someone put it: “Co-op is fun to tinyurl.com/rebuildgame a separate button for a special effect. For exam- golems/resurrected skeletal warriors are bear- ‘n00b’ about in.” Finesse is rudely booted out ple, Life and Lightning will combine to resur- ing down upon you, there’s no time to summon the window and you spend more time resur- recting allies than slaying enemies. It’d take a good connection and three dedicated friends to get me to play co-op regularly and quite frank- ly, I abandoned all forms of human contact years ago in favour of becoming a heartless jaded bastard (read gamer). I guess now you’re looking towards me for a recommendation; I really wish you weren’t. Magicka is a very mixed bag. If you enjoy RPGs and want something brightly coloured and light-hearted, Magicka is a ‘nice’ game that would be well worth the green stuff. If you’re like me and RPGs aren’t quite for you, Finally, a bit of originality in the zombie genre! In this be prepared to invest a fair amount of time ad- isometric strategy game, you play the leader of a justing to the controls since you can’t just hop group of apocolypse survivors trying their damndest in and expect everything to run smoothly. to stay alive. This isn’t just about killing zombies, Did I have fun? Initially, no, I didn’t, but that people need food, medicine and happiness, and it’s was down to the time I had to spend getting your job to find them those things. adjusted to the controls. Will I keep playing it? Being able to completely customise the fort is a I think so. Magicka is a half-decent game that great feature, and the huge scope for expansion certainly deserves at least a few more hours of makes everything much more interesting. There’s my time, and it’s not like I want to get good alos a lot of depth to the strategy and plenty to keep marks on my coursework anyway! players interested for a good little while. Magicka is available now from Paradox In- teractive and Arrowhead Game Studios. FELIX Friday 11 february 2011 35 GAMES PlayStation Suite Nintendo 3DS: an Being a Dungeon Lord to bring big titles exclusive hands- to Android phones on preview ain’t all fun and games Simon Worthington Chris Bowers

The “Next Generation Portable” a.k.a. Last weekend I bagged tickets to an ex- Sean Harbison unleashes his wrath in Dungeons the PSP2, was announced two weeks ago clusive Nintendo 3DS hands-on preview at Sony’s ‘Playstation Meeting 2011’. – and fi rst impressions were excellent! The world stared, the world gaped and After a vague demonstration of Street- ungeons, the sequel to the world was awed. Quite right too: Pass, “real-life” demonstrations of Street the 90’s classic Dungeon few had been expecting such an impres- Fighter and Resident Evil, and a brief in- Keeper, is a sim-man- sive device. (Thankfully it won’t be long troductory video featuring Jonathan Ross agement game that sets before the device itself slams onto our (seemingly the new face of Nintendo Eu- the player as a Dungeon supermarket shelves). rope), I got my hands on the 3DS. DLord who must design their foul, evil But while the world stared doe-eyed, First off, the main selling point, the cave of despair to entince in heroes... cooing over the newborn baby, another screen: it works brilliantly! As soon as before brutally murdering them at their equally important announcement passed I picked up the 3DS I was seeing the peak to steal their ‘soul energy’. The right over everyone’s heads. It wasn’t full effect of the 3D – it worked straight idea is basic enough; your dungeon is just a new console; it was 32 million from the off. The effect was fantastic, made more tempting by artefacts, mon- new consoles. Sony announced the Play- especially considering the fact that it sters and traps. In order to buy more of Station Suite, a hardware-independent was glasses-free and instant. While not these you must harvest more and more platform that will bring a whole new all the games I played made great use of soul energy from captured heroes. way of gaming to a range of devices, the 3D, those that did (Kid Icarus: Up- Different heroes are interested in dif- starting with any mobile phone running rising springs to mind) looked excellent, ferent things. Some enjoy looting and on Android 2.3. You read that right, any with enemies zooming in from the dis- stealing treasure, whereas others get a Android phone. tance and text coming out of the screen kick out of avoiding traps or fi ghting This is great news for any owners at you. However, the 3D effect only monsters. Therefore, it is important to of those aforementioned smartphones. works in certain ‘sweet spots’. You can have a good mixture of both gold piles Sony have already guaranteed that tilt the screen as much as you like to- and monsters in order to keep all the they’ll be bringing PlayStation One wards and away from you with no con- heroes interested. Heroes enter your games to the Suite within the calen- sequence, but twisting the device from dungeon through special gates and are dar year, so owners can look forward side to side removes the 3D effect until led through your dungeon by artefacts He may be wielding a bloody axe, but all he really wants is a hug to some sweet 3D PS One titles – um, you hit another sweet spot. that you own which attract their atten- Crash Bandicoot anyone? Third-party The rest of the hardware also worked tion. As they wander through, they fi nd titles have also been assured, although well – the analog pad felt good under the your piles of gold or monsters and begin them. It’s too easy for heroes to breeze or monsters. By the third level I was al- no names have been dropped, yet. thumb, gliding easily with the games re- fi ghting or looting at their will. You then through your dungeon with little risk ready getting annoyed with how many Developers are likely, however, to sponding accordingly. The dual camera must watch carefully as their interest bar at all. The entire burden of looking af- times I had to restart, and how hard it sign up in droves to this new initia- system on the outside of the system pro- fi lls up so that you can kill them and take ter the dungeon comes down to your was to keep heroes interested. With he- tive, as it’s great news for anyone in the duced great 3D photos, however when their soul energy when it’s full. Dungeon Lord – the only controllable roes being sent in every three minutes business of building games. The whole using the screen as a viewfi nder the im- The types of monster you have depend character in the game. This would be or so, random tasks being set involving concept behind the Suite is that it’s hard- age looked a little blurry and some of the on the monsters you can fi nd in the area all well and good were it not for the fact ridiculous requirements (usually involv- ware-independent, meaning that a game objects’ depths looked a little off. Luck- around your dungeon. You can search that often even the most basic hero can ing sending all your money), failure built to run on one smartphone will also ily, the software then seemed to perform for new types of monster and by plac- take out your lord with relative ease. So, penalties that hold you back – all this run on any other. Compatibility is a big some sort of rendering process that re- ing a pentagram near their habitat you as the heroes level up it becomes almost slows down the game even further. gripe for developers and users alike, sulted in a realistic 3D image. can start to spawn that type into your impossible to gather soul energy and However, when the game comes down and hopefully the Playstation Suite will dungeon. However, there’s a limit on the progress in the game. to just designing dungeons (in sandbox allow more time to be spent on actu- number of pentagrams you can place, There are also a very limited amount mode) where you are rid of the stupid ally building games, rather than porting “The 3D worked and it’s infuriatingly low meaning that of choices in Dungeons. The monsters tasks, it is a lot more enjoyable. Having them from one platform to another. you can only have a very small number free reign over traps, monsters and ar- The Suite is not limited to Android straight from the off” of monsters present in your dungeon. tefacts really lets the game fl ow better phones either. There have been rumours This very quickly becomes an issue as “When the game and allows you to really do well at tak- that Sony is planning to bring the frame- I managed to play a good selection heroes enter every two or three minutes ing down heroes. In this version of the work to a lot of new, unconventional of games across the two sessions, from and each of them is strong enough to kill comes down to just game it is easy to get distracted for ages. platforms. The PlayStation 3 seems an a range of developers. Ocarina of Time all your monsters. As you can imagine Unfortunately, this really doesn’t make obvious choice, and bringing the Suite and Kid Icarus both looked great and this makes it very diffi cult to maintain designing dungeons up for just how awful the campaign is. to the iPhone and even to Windows has played really well. Also on display was the interest of heroes that like fi ghting In all, the game presents a good idea, also been rumoured. Given their place in the fantastic Augmented Reality card monsters, and the game slows down a it’s a lot more and it could have worked really well. the TV market, some sources have sug- system which was great fun, spawning lot as it becomes so challenging to build It’s just a shame that the campaign ex- gested that Sony also want to open it up giant crystal snakes out of the surface up soul energy. enjoyable” pects so much of players right from the Internet-enabled Bravia TVs, too. you place the card on, and Face Raid- Often it can take hours to get through beginning and causes pure frustration. Whatever the specifi cs, the PlaySta- ers, a quirky but fun game that made certain levels and considering that you are limited to what you fi nd in the level, Had the campaign been more similar to tion Suite is certainly a huge leap in a good use of the 3D cameras and facial aren’t directly doing anything this makes and the number of pentagrams you can that of the free style mode then I could new direction for Sony. Some commen- recognition technology. From third party the game unbelievably dull at times. Not set. There are three types of building, easily have seen it being a much more tators have been sceptical over whether developers, Raving Rabbids: Travel in only that, but pentagrams must be built two to keep the heroes interested (librar- enjoyable game. But as it is, while the or not such a system really can be made Time was just a pretty standard platform- on the edges of your territory in order to ies and armouries) and one to drain more sandbox mode is a lot of fun in it’s own compatible over such a large range of er, while Super Monkey Ball made good expand, so monsters end up out of the soul energy from them (prisons). For a right, the campaign just felt like more hardware. Certainly, bringing games to use of the available motion sensors with way rather than being somewhere useful management game this is an unbeliev- effort than enjoyment – really not what I any Android phone is a massive techni- some minor control issues. in your dungeon. ably poor amount of choice. want in a game. cal challenge, and Sony has quite a suite Overall, the 3DS is looking like it’ll Monsters are not controllable, which The main problem with this game is of problems to solve. But with the po- be a great console, and a huge hit too. means they stick to their pentagram how unbalanced the campaign is. The Dungeons is available now from tential to bring big name titles onto so Forget the (arrogantly named) “Next and do not make any impression on the diffi culty increases far too quickly with Realmforge and Kalypso Media for many new devices, let’s all keep our fi n- Generation Portable”, this is the hand- heroes unless the heroes start fi ghting little progression is useful items, traps PC, retailing at £29.99. gers crossed that they manage it! held to have. 36 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX

Travel Editor: Chris Richardson

TRAVEL [email protected] Wishing You Were Here It’s time to get away Chris Richardson orders you to toss away the Valentine’s Day courtesies, and consider travelling alone

ith a signifi cant proportion of you currently being in a ‘dry spell’ (as highlighted by Felix’s excellent sex survey) this article is prob- Wably irrelevant to a lot of you. But I urge those it concerns to take some of the key points on board before hopping on the lovey-dovey trav- elling bandwagon. It takes some serious co- jones and a lot of hard work to properly pull it off. Travelling alone is liberating: you can em- brace people and experiences no holds barred and do whatever you want. As soon as you numb yourself with the morphine that is a It’s nothing like this. You’ll be on an uglier beach and never get to shag Brittany Murphy friendship circle you instantly limit yourself to the route plans that you’ve probably had to compromise, because Gary doesn’t see the The detestable royal “we” holiday brochure. Said two photos took ten sec- point of looking at some dumb old rocks made onds to pose for – ten seconds out of 1.8 mil- Inspirational Slough by Chris Richardson by some insignifi cant hill tribe. Well replace Ah, the royal “we”. It’s an inviting little com- lion seconds spent on holiday. Yet those photos your Gary with a Sophie and you’ve got bigger fort zone, isn’t it? No need for the repeated triv- are for some reason always the emphasis. problems. ial conversations with people on bus journeys What the photos fail to capture are the count- Want to see your travel photograph featured here? Travelling together is a bit like moving in, now, you can just further bow down to being less bus journeys. You know the ones: the air- Send it to [email protected]. but a lot more intense. I guarantee that in swel- the travelling equivalent of a Fifties housewife. conditioning is causing your nipples to shrivel, tering heat and constantly in each other’s de- Couples are the most diffi cult group to inter- and Australian Bob has got a woozy tummy and testable company you’d soon rather be back on act with on the road – they’re like, totally on has decided to fi ll the toilet with the nauseating the Piccadilly Line, scratching your arse with another level of understanding of each other’s contents of his bowels. Thanks a bunch, Bob, your copy of the Metro, instead of gazing up at consciousness: you wouldn’t understand. thanks. Anyway, your photos hopefully never Travel Deals of the Week Christ the Redeemer. Oh sure, you might rock another look: you’re capture this, and if they should you should be one of those chilled couples who pride them- more conservative with your memory card. selves on being social with everyone in their The point is that the seeming romanticism Bon voyage to the budget path. Congratulations on breaking a tiring always generated by those snaps in Halong cliché, but don’t expect anyone else to avoid Bay are really not so glamorous: the couple are Oh sure, by shacking up and sharing a room the stigma. While you may have overcome the probably mid-argument, following a rather un- it’ll probably work out marginally cheaper over stereotypes, people will still avoid you like the comfortable bus journey surrounded by Austra- the course of a long trip. I mean hey, you’re plague. If you travel as a couple, you come as lian nutters. They say it’s all about the journey, Intrepid Travel is a small adventure travel company getting a room for two for less than the cost of a package. To the people around you this pack- but journeys of this sort can really detract from that offer trips all over the world: trips typically in- two separate rooms, right? Well unfortunately age is a time bomb that they’ll do everything the passion and bliss that you’d come to ex- volve travelling via local transport, eating local food that’s where the cost benefi ts of travelling as a to avoid. pect. It’s much easier to have no expectations, and even staying with local people. couple end. In fact, the above logic could prob- no standards and nobody else to please. In addition to their rare ethos of embracing lo- ably apply to tagging along with a group of fun- In the wise words of LCD Soundsystem “it’s cal culture so much more than their rivals, Intrepid loving Mexicans, or just sticking to much more Bickering and bus bathrooms time to get away, it’s time to get away from Travel are also a carbon-neutral company who have social dorms. you”. Keep your travelling options limitless. racked up several awards for their work. Couples like to do nice things. They like to The following fi gures are from a real life case And if you’re heading to South-east Asia, eat in fancy restaurants, opt in for the air condi- study. Young Jimmy spent three weeks on there’ll be plenty of ladyboys at your disposal Their latest deals include 20% off trips to: tioning, take a taxi over the fi lthy bus, and gen- holiday with his girlfriend, took 500 photos, of anyway – if you’re lucky you might even bag India from £485 erally swim in that over-indulgent way of life which about two look worthy of appearing in a yourself a free STI! Peru from £765 like they’re better than the rest of us. So much Nepal from £1130 for budget travelling, eh? In spite of the pleas China from £1390 of ‘hey, we can just go for the cheaper option!’ Tanzania from £1525 you’ll still fi nd yourself compelled to fork out on the fancy stuff regardless. All tours are fully customisable with respect to con- And those dastardly looky-looky men that tent and duration: while the above fi gures may seem you’ve fi nally learnt to handle? They sudden- pricey, it is worth noting that all fl ights are included ly become a lot more ruthless. They see you and a quality experience is assured. coming as a couple and treat you like you’re thicker than the fat yank in the baseball cap be- Visit IntrepidTravel.com to fi nd out more! side you. Yes, the babbling idiot with the thick Texan accent who gets angry at the slum child Planning a trip and want some advice from experi- for not understanding him as he requests direc- enced travellers? Have a travelling tale to share with tions, and inadvertently coats the young boy Imperial? Send us a tweet with #FelixTravel or drop in fl ecks of spit when he speaks. You’re now us an email at [email protected] on the same level as this guy. The looky-looky men will bleed you dry and make you pay for your monogamy. Russ’ expression shows a combination of anger at Katy and a terrible case of the runs FELIX Friday 11 february 2011 37 TRAVEL Ambling Argentinean escapades The latest antics from Priya Garg, who tosses away her inhibitions and em- braces the manic culture of Argentina’s booming capital

Priya Garg tropical-blizzard/flickr urviving a semi-camo twen- ty four hour bus journey, we arrived at the slightly grubby omnibus terminal in the iconic metropolis of SBuenos Aires. Throwing ourselves onto the Subte (Argentina’s answer to the tube) we were presented with an antique wooden carriage complete with grey leather sashes hanging from the ceiling and extravagant glass wall lights. The London Underground it was not. Winding through the quaint streets of San Telmo to our hostel, we found it amidst broken paving stones, crumbling colonial buildings, pillared walls, beau- tiful balconies and intricately carved Daily commuters fl ock to the phallus to exploit its mystical healing powers gates. This was the hippie art district of Priya Garg Buenos Aires, a small residential area boasting artists, musicians and design- ers, housed within a bustling city full of light and life. That night we attempted to cross the Avenue 9 de Julio, one of the widest roads in the world, each fl ank compris- ing of more than seven lanes in each direction, with careering Argentinean taxis speeding wildly round each corner spilling profanities. Bemusedly, the cen- tre-piece of this magnifi cently broad av- enue was formed by a soaring phallus- like obelisk which rose up to touch the sky, translating little of Buenos Aire´s Argentinean charm. Your mind is now infected with the moreish melodies of ‘La Bamba’ Quit staring at her and get back to the article. Why are you still here?! As we walked toward the centre of the city, we quickly discovered again the disappointing taint of globalisation, around the non-government funded Janeiro, we were delighted to see guitar swayed and jumped to loud Argentinean Even within our own hostel, the South from American-infl uenced street names ´Evita Museum´ you will fi nd an en- bands and drummers on every corner. beats, recorders and saxophonists. The Americans were the ones who were still to fast-food restaurants, and the unfor- capsulated shrine to the actress-come- Disappointed by some of the passion- club was aswirl with cigarette smoke, awake at 8am for breakfast from the tunately termed ´Palermo Hollywood´ women´s rights activist, telling of her less glum tango couples fl icking heels sweat, Brahma beer underfoot and the night before. Our early nights became district that boasts showy nightclubs and social reforms and charitable welfare for tourist pesos, we were mesmerised passion of a pounding band behind. something of a joke. According to the pizza restaurants. Several blocks down, policies but little to enlighten you as to by one Spanish guitarist, whose fi ngers Walking out of the heat of the venue Argentineans, English people are very the Avenue de Florida was alive with why her body was desecrated before it ran down his fret board strumming and couples dotted the streets, wrapped in ´controlled’, in reference to our early- tango dancers and merchants fl ogging came to lie in the Recoleta cemetery, plucking, until two street children ran public displays of affection, on benches, night behaviour, fi nances and emotions. the deprecatingly termed ‘gringo gear’ only adding to the mystery over Argen- up and smacked his guitar mid-perfor- in parks and against walls. Our English We were out-partied by fi fty year olds, – everything from leggings, teapots tina’s chequered and complex political reserve and respect for personal prox- tangoing the night away in lively local and glowing snow-globes to maracas, history. Asking locals to unravel our imity seemed almost prudent as we, dance halls. friendship bracelets and postcards. confusion, we were often told “we don’t “We were out-partied arms extended, shook hands with our Our fi nal day was spent gazing at the Beyond this hectic gathering lay the want to speak about it”. Argentinean neighbours, very ´proper´ popular, emblematic multi-coloured grandiose Casa Rosada, a huge pink Several streets down, next to the by fi fty year olds, and ´how do you do´, while any local houses of La Boca next to the harbour, palace, home of the executive seats of Institute of Tango, we visited the old- would grasp us by the arm and kiss on attempting to drink the acquired taste of the ruling government of Argentina est cafe in Argentina, the Tortoni. A tangoing the night the cheek in a fi rst introduction. Our bitter alcoholic ´furnet de coco´ (a both and offi ces of the President. Gilt, gold, popular building where elderly waiters national stereotypes were magnifi ed in surprising and unusual mixture of a bit- fountains, fi nery and ostentatious guards in striped trousers, bowties and car- away in lively local their dichotomy in manner. ter menthol liquor paired with the fi zzy now cover this historic monument. Per- rying white cloths over one arm, click On our penultimate evening, we were sweetness of Coca-Cola) and preparing haps the most infamous President, Juan through mahogany walled surroundings dance halls” treated to a typical national meal with ourselves for the mountainous, cold sce- Domingo Peron, husband of the much and stained glass ceilings, memorising two locals, who were kind enough to nic beauty of the Argentinean lake dis- glorifi ed ´Evita´ Eva Peron still imposes orders and bringing you fried sweet take us to a hearty restaurant, buzzing trict in Bariloche. his presence upon both the building and ‘churros’ pastries or sticky ‘dulce de mance, jerking him out of his daydream. at one o’clock in the morning, full of As we bid goodbye to Buenos Aires the rest of the city. leche’ caramel covered biscuits. As if Later in our stay we went to a gig in people slicing grilled meats and savour- – a vibrant city packed with vitality, Peronism remains a contentious is- static from the 1920s, it gives an other- the Ciudad Cultural Konex to experience ing deep-fl avoured red wine. If you go music, and all-night entertainment – we sue in Buenos Aires, with ´Up Evita´ worldly air to the painted, modern sur- the fervent drumming of ‘La Bomba de out in Buenos Aires, the party only re- refl ected on what we had learnt from our scrawled across walls next to our hotel rounding streets. Tiempo’, a popular percussion group in ally gets started in the early hours of the visit: to throw away our reticence, mod- and bygone Peronist politics under con- Finding much more live music here the Abasto area of Buenos Aires. Girls morning: clubs stay open until 7am, then erate our English reserve, and simply let stant hushed discussion. If you wander than in our search for samba in Rio de with nose rings and boys with mohicans after-clubs and even more after-clubs. ourselves go. 38 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX

HANGMAN [email protected] Twatter Barack_attack_l33thaxor Hangman’s Guide

Cammy can we drop the whole special relationship thing? Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! to Valentine’s Day

What on facebook? It’s just a joke. Why has Shelly said somth- Yes, they’re actually making me write about V-Day... ing? FFS

Barack_attack_l33thaxor Any Imperial male with a good work- 20 on the X-PS-Wii or some shit. Ex- ing knowledge of MatLab will know cept everytime you die, your character the horrifying cold sweat that a day like takes off ‘his’ suit and is revealed to be Valentine’s Day can generate. It is truly a mega hot babe. Damn women! Is there Nah I mean USA and Britain the most repulsive day of the year; fol- no escape?!? special relationship lowed in close second by Remembrance Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! Day – how do you think people with Fine! Let’s try and get ‘one’. Alzheimer’s feel!?!? But never fear my fellow virgins, Hangman has a step-by- Here we go, avoidance is pretty spineless step guide to staying sane this Monday right? You’re going to tackle this prob- the 14th of February. (To be completely lem head-on. Valentine’s Day is your Wtf? Why? :’( clear, I say “fellow virgins”, but, with- day brother! You’re going to embrace out being arrogant, Hangman is getting it, and CONQUER IT. You da man! All Barack_attack_l33thaxor ‘it’ like a fat guy gets Chicken Cottage: right, we’re going to keep things sim- whenever he damned well pleases, all ple. You’re going to ask a casual female day, all night.) That’s it. Die Valentine’s Day. Die! acquaintance if she wants to go to the cinema on Valentine’s Day. BUT (here’s the other world leaders think it’s the trick), you lie and tell her that other a bit gay Pretend it’s not happening. for as long as you’ve known them… people are coming as well. BOOM! You SUPERACEGORTHEROAR87 Because they’ll all be on dates… With ready? Go over and ask her. What’s the This is your standard level, “first line of tall, hot, cool guys… Damn, this isn’t problem? You’ve pissed yourself? FOR defence” against feeling inadequate and working. FUCKS SAKE. lonely on Valentine’s Day. Pretend that there’s nothing special or unusual about Make a point of doing something RE- Go home and cry. which ones? the day. Hey, the 14th of February is just ALLY un-Valentinesy (Ed – that’s not another Monday! There’s absolutely no a word, douchebag) I give up. There’s no hope for you. Just Barack_attack_l33thaxor reason why you should be reminded of stay in bed and crank until you’re sore. the fact that you’ve been at university Ok, we’re going to take things to the Yes, you can use Facebook to stalk all for 3 years and you’re yet to wake up to next level. Sure, the 14th of February the girls you like. No, don’t comment on a girl smiling at you. No, Monday is all might be a special day, but that doesn’t the profile pictures that particularly get about 9am lectures, doing some mean that you have to buy in to the cor- you off. Yes, maybe it’s a good thing; Well....all of them lab work and pos- sibly head- porate schmaltz and desperately find a you’ll get some work done. No, please, ing to the Union where you girl to love and cherish you. Why can’t please don’t jerk off to your coursewo… Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! totally won’t see any of you just do guy stuff? Yeh! Why the hell fuck it, I really don’t care. I’m going to the girls that you’ve not? Grab some beers and plop down on go find some Indian girls (hangman. secretly fan- cied the sofa and play GranTurbo DeathCon [email protected] *wink wink). Well fuck them, Obie! Fucking homophobes SUPERACEGORTHEROAR87 Islam is a religi0n 0f peace which is why Dunc-E there are is never wars 0r vi0lence in Islam- ic c0untries. Islam is unfairily p0rtrayed 0n in the media because 0f a small min0ritity YEAH! GAY AND PROUD! I say we wh0 g0 bl0wing stuff up c0z they are called nuke them The w0rld Expla1ned by extremists because they are extremely an- gry. If you are write an article ab0ut Islam SexyOsama69 Dunc-E, the clumsily- then y0u will m0st likely get bl0wed up by a extremeist because y0u are n0t all0wed programmed and seriously t0 write ab0ut Islam because 0f that is n0t all0wed!!!!!! If y0u even think ab0ut their Obie, is our relationship status misinformed robot prophet (THE BIG M-DAWG) then y0u will still set to ‘it’s complicated’? get bl0wed up because y0u are disgracer- ing their religi0n and that is n0t all0wed. If y0u are ever g0ing t0 write ab0ut Islam DRUNKEN MATE OF THE WEEK This week Dunc-E then make sure y0u are make it extremerly Send your photos to [email protected]. well-researched and unbiased and there is explains... a chance y0u will n0t get bl0wed up unless For triple-WIN, send them to the Daily Mail y0u are a w0man because y0u will always ISLAM get bl0wed up because y0u are a w0man. FELIX Friday 11 february 2011 39

THE NEWS WITHOUT THE NEWS Horoscopes 99% of parents pretend Aries Taurus This week, you are feeling particularly This week, the Hindu god Shiva comes vicious. You wait for your drowsy house- to you in a dream and tells you a magic their ginger kids don’t exist mate to get into the shower, early in the word that will have any woman weak at morning, and – wait for it – you burst in the knees. Ok, well it’s not a ‘word’ in the and stab him in the head. Whahey! BAN- traditional sense. It’s more like a sharp TER! That’ll fucking teach him for shit- knee-jabbing implement. Fine, it’s a ting on your pillow! LAD! knife! Jeez what’s with all the questions? Gemini Cancer This week, it’s your birthday! (No I This week, you’re banging your girlfriend don’t know if Gemini corresponds to but you notice that things are a little, this month and I don’t give a shit.) Your how shall I say, shallow. You carry on boyfriend has completely forgotten about nevertheless but just before you cum, she it and so to pay him back, you sleep leaps up, pulls a bloody rotting hamster with his hamster. And by sleep, I mean from her clunge (“No, not Harry!”) and suffocate... In a really... moist manner... dumps you on the spot. Poor Harry :( Leo Virgo This week, you discover that not a single This week, your hamster is killed by your lesbian completed the Felix Sex Survey. psychotic ex-girlfriend. The worse thing Conclusion? Lesbians hate surveys. is that you went down on her before you Or lesbians hate the Internet. Lesbians realised. She was bleeding but hey, who don’t exist? Lesbians lie? I don’t think HASN’T done that. Now you know you I’m quite getting it. Umm, lesbians don’t were happily lapping hamster blood... speak English? This might take a while... and strangely, it tasted pretty good Libra Scorpio This week, you ask, does anyone gets of- This week you feel a small tinge of re- DRUNKEN MATE fended by the Horoscopes? Does anyone gret, combined with sorrow and aching spit out their coffee in disgust? It might be dull pain. It’s so difficult to say, “What quite a good tactic for spitting at people happened, happened. Let’s move on.” OF THE WEEK you hate. “Dude! You just spat coffee on You do try, but it’s hard. Wait a minute. me!” “Sorry man, I’m just so disgusted by What the fuck is this shit? MIDGET ANAL PROLAPSE!” “Damn Felix!” PORN! *sigh, Horoscope saved... Sagittarius Capricorn This week, you finally get accepted into Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Imperial. There’s once catch though: Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? you’ll only get your place if you sleep with Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? a girl in the next 5 minutes. But you’ve Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? got no arms or legs, and you’re tied to a Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? chair. And you don’t have a dick. Damn, Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Pint? Imperial has high entry requirements... No, it’s not funny is it? SO FUCK OFF! Aquarius Pisces This week, you notice the back of your This week, you decide to shave your head hand peeling away. Layer by layer. during sex. You tie your boyfriend to the Brown, red raw, blood red, muscle, bone, bed, ride him like a bucking bronco and wire, chocolate fudge, mixed vegetables, when he’s totally lost in the moment, soft cheese, salami, milk, Tropicana, pork whip out the clippers and start screaming I like this guy, he’s got a sense of class about him. Notice how he lifts his middle fi nger to the cameraman, as if sausages, bread, apples... What? My shop- “I’m going to Vietnam!” as you baldify to say, “if you send this photo to Hangman, I’m going to stick this fi nger up your ass!” Truly a gentleman... ping list isn’t funny? Meh, tough crowd... yourself. Damn I love role-play... 40 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX Puzzles Editors: Polly Bennett James Hook Aman Nahar PUZZLES [email protected] Last Week’s Solutions Crossword 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Slitherlink Oh yes! Oh yes! Thats right it’s a fantasy themed crossword. 9 10 10 E 11

2 3 1 3 Across 33. A Horde starting area, World of 12 3 2 2 1. Home of the horse lords (5) Warcra" (7) 4. Divine/semi-divine mythical 34. Ched ---, a city in the world of 1113 14 15 12 1516 10 3 2 creature (3) the Forgotten Realms (5) 2 1 2 3 6. A bird o! en depicted as a trick- 35. An appendage for % ying (4) ster in mythology (5) 36. Tough, warlike humanoid 022 322 9. " e large ancient Amorite king of creatures (3) 171316 1417 1618 18 1915 19 2016 20 2 322 Bashan slain by Moses at the battle of Edrei (5,2) 2 2 1 2 2 21 21 10. --- Charge, a Blue Mage skill Down 2 233 learned from the creature of the 1. Fitz’s uncle in Robin Hobb’s Assas- 2217 23 23 1824 1924 25 26 3 33 same name in in Final Fantasy sin’s Apprentice (5) XI (3) 2. An organ of the body commonly 3 2 1 3 11. ‘So dark the --- of man’, ! e Da used for eating/rituals (5) Vinci Code (3) 3. Language spoken by the people of 12. --- Dark Materials, Philip Pull- Netheril in the world of Forgotten 262720 2821 22 29 22 23 30 Nonogram man series (3) Realms (although technically the 13. A character from the Book of su# x should be -ese) (9) 2 Genesis (3) 4. Magical numbers on ! e Disc- 1 2 15. A tree herder (3) world (6) 3124 3225 33 2 2 1 4 2 16. Legendary creature of Japanese 5. Surname of the royal family in 2 1 4 1 1 1 4 5 4 4 folklore (3) Robin Hobb’s Assassin’s Apprentice 2 2 3 2 6 1 1 7 2 3 4 3 2 17. People are ---, " e Wizard’s First (7) 5 Rule (6) 6. Le! overs; remnants of an old 2634 35 36 3 1 18. Instruct a fallen opponent to building (7) W 1 1 attempt getting up (3,5) 7. A drow character from the Bal- 22. What Gandalf says to the Balrog dur’s Gate games (7) 20. Weather---, where Frodo is stabbed with a 26. Alcoholic beverage commonly drunk by 1 5 1 on the bridge of Khazad Dum 8. Game consoles made by a Japa- Morgul-blade by the Ringwratihs (3) dwarves (1,6) 1 1 1 (3,5,3,4) nese company (informal term) (9) 21. A weapon (4) 28. " e Isle of --- , in Feralas, World of Warcra" (5) 27. A Semitic storm and rain god (5) 14. A type of grain (3) 1 1 1 1 23. Water nymphs (7) 30. --- elves, or drow (4) 29. David Edding’s series (9) 17. One of the Hogwart’s houses (9) 24. Nothing, zero (3) 32. How Gollum likes to eat his $ sh (3) 2 8 31. An anatomical organ of Harry 19. Gwendoline ---, voice actress of 25. Catch the sun god (4,2) 33. A fort or roundhouse (3) Potter’s best friend (4,3) Paine in Final Fantasy X-2 (3) 1 9 2 7 1 6 Wordoku Word Wheel 4 U U 2 2 P D 2 2 A O M E X TARGET: 15 H N 3 3 3 3 M E O I P Make as many words of at least P D L 4 letters as you can, always using the I O Crossword central one. NO plurals, conjugated P R I V I L E G E S H B A T H E X verbs, comparatives or superlatives, M E I E I A E E L A 9 O O O O R H because I said so.. There is always at A L A N L A D D M 10E T E O R I D X O A P least one 9 letter word. T A E S T D U E H T A U O 11S T I F L E 12 A N T E L 15O P E C I L R F H S E E E A E P X I 1316P O 1417L E P O 18S I 1915T I 2016O N B A N L O I D N E N B R E O N U O A R 2021 I have resorted to a little Internet phrasing to convey 2217T A V C 23A S 1824H R 19E G 25I S T E R extreme annoyance, old chap... Once again, every row, U D I H O T D E R E R G U column and 3x3 box contains each symbol. 2620D I A T 21R I B E O 22R D 23E A L S V R O E N M N O C W T B 12 31 42150 1 24P I N A T A 25 A N C I E N T S Battleships A N O S T C O U N A O A A 3 ~ 26B E A T E N T E R P R I S E Ahoy mates, battleships is here for fans of pirate based logic. You have to fi t all of the ships to the 1 1 x Aircraft Carrier CRYPTIC - Across 1. Alarm 7. Rationale 9. Octagon right into the grid, with one piece taking up one 3 10. Glasses 11. Freeze Out 12. Allow 13. Resent square (so the biggest ship takes up four squares 14. Reappear 17. Crossbar 19. Stakes 22. Aw- in a row, either vertically or horizontally). The 2 ful 24. Metronome 26. Geckoes 27. Nirvana 28. numbers outside the grid indicate how many piec- Earnestly 29. Idled Down 1. Aloof 2. Anthems 3. es of ship are in that row or column. Ships are 3 ~ 2 x Battleship Magazines 4. Ransom 5. Together 6. Omaha 7. not allowed to touch, not even diagonally.Some ~ Absolve 8. Eastwards 13. Rectangle 15. Potpourri squares have been fi lled in for you, with waves of 1 16. Marmoset 18. Offi cer 20. Know All 21. Stingy the sea where there defi nitely is no ship. 23. Loose 25. Eland 3 Sorry - the number was wrong - it was 3 x Cruiser Going Underground meant to be 187 Apple Higher 2 ~ Education Store U P P E R H O L L O W A Y  1 ~ apple.com/uk/go/save 21 16 16 5 18 8 15 12 12 15 23 1 25 1 4 x Destroyer FELIX Friday 11 february 2011 41 PUZZLES

FUCWIT The Felix University/College-Wide League Leader Board Invitational Tournament League Nonogram - Daddy, buy me a castle!!!! is new and improved, with prizes TTeams:eams: for both the winning team and the winning individual. I “Am” Squidhead 130 Points will be awarded per indi- Big Gay Al 94 vidual puzzles solved. The first Killuminati 58 person/team to send in a correct 4 3 2 4 answer for a puzzle will receive 2 points per puzzle. After that peo- 2 9 4 1 4 3 2 1 3 4 2 5 7 5 ple who send in correct answers 5 7 2 2 5 2 2 2 1 2 2 2 5 2 2 IIndividuals:ndividuals: will be awarded 1 point per puz- zle. Double points are awarded for Sahil Chugani 54 cryptic crosswords. 1 Shadi Sharbain 51 Send your solutions to: [email protected] 1 1 1 1 Wael Aljeshi 37 for points galore! 5 1

3 3 Going Underground 5 2 2 Each letter in the alphabet is assigned Underground station) the sum equals the 1 6 2 a number value between 1 and 26 (see total shown. Send the Underground sta- table) and when added together for a tion that is hidden each week to puzzles. 1 3 6 specific word (or in this case specific [email protected]

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 4 4 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 3 5 2 So which London tube station sums to?

______3 3 3 2 = 150 6 4

2 1 1

2 1 1

SLITHERLINK 5 3 3 2 2 3 5 3

2 2 2 2 2 The cells in a grid have to be coloured The numbers measure how many un- If you stare at it long enough, a funky, or left blank according to numbers at broken lines of filled-in squares there amusing or incomprehensible pattern 3 3 3 32 the side of the grid. are in any given row or column. may appear. Have fun, y’all!

2 1 2 223 3 3 3 2 221 21 2 3 3 3 1 2 2 2 2

3 2 1 3 3 3

If you’ve ever played minesweeper, then around it. Lines can never cross! In the you should be able to understand this end, you will end up with a closed loop. puzzle. The number in each box repre- Just have a look at the solution in the op- sents the number of lines that can exist posite page. 42 Friday 11 february 2011 FELIX Puzzles Editors: Polly Bennett James Hook Aman Nahar PUZZLES [email protected] Last Week’s Solutions Chess Maze Mentalist maze Battleships Black Checkmate in two moves, moves first Valentine’s Day special - help Stupid Cupid find the lovers 12 23 03314 1

1 4 1

5

0 2

0 4

1

2

Pictogram 1. Tabla 2. Konghou 3. Bagpipes 4.Lepatata 5. Qanun Ans: Attune Guess the tube stations! Guess the tube stations!

South Kensington Pictogram - anagram of the letters in red spell the thematic answer 1. 3. 5. ~ Greatest Love Story That Was Ever Told, Could Be Me Chess Maze And You, You Just Never Know ~ 2. 4. Ans

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Their love affair outraged the Her tragic love story with This son of King Priam fell in This English royalty mourned This son of the great Mughal WRook C7, BRook H4, WKnight F7 Romans who were wary of the Sir Lancelot is probably one love with Helen and abducted her husband’s death for 40 emperor Akbar, fell in love Egyptians. Despite threats, An- of the best-known stories of her, taking her back to Troy, years… with an ordinary yet beautiful thony and she got married… Arthurian Legend. starting the Trojan War… courtesan Anarkali… felixCLASSIFIEDSFriday 11 february 2011 43

To place a free advert, please Felix accepts no responsibility for items/services bought/sold email [email protected] Deadline for adverts is Tuesday midnight ROOMS TUTORS MISC LOVE

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Dolby Virtual Sound Quality BOOKS Integrated Freeview Tuner Remote Control + Stand Barons Court Pick up only EVENTS A Concise Guide to Pure Maths Schaum’s Outlines: Complex Vari- 07738902888 (2nd Ed) – Liebeck. £15 ables (2nd Ed). £5 Veg Soc Pickling and Preserving Classical Mechanics (5th Ed) – Schaum’s Outlines: Vector Analysis Zanussi ZRC077 workshop Kibble & Berkshire. £20 (2nd Ed). £5 21st Feb mini- fridge 12:00-14:00 Mathematical Techniques (4th Ed) A first course in Abstract Algebra (7th Union Dining Hall – Jordan & Smith. £20 Int Ed) – Fraleigh. £35 Used for one year in halls, ex- tremely quiet, £90 . “Veg Soc (Vegetable society) Lecture Notes on Complex Analy- Contact hwc08@ic,ac,uk for further Pick up preferred. has teamed up with Waste sis. £25 details. Delivery could be arranged at a Watch to host a pickling small fee. and preserving workshop. [email protected] Seasonal foods will be pickled so you can enjoy Post online! them all year around! It’s You can also place free adverts free for all, so come and online! Simply head to iconnectim- see what fun things you can perial.com create an account and make last whilst keeping post on their online marketplace! them delicious” Intelligence Officers £24,750 + benefits UK based Analysing information. Spotting connections. Making decisions that really matter. This is what MI5’s dedicated and focused Intelligence Officers do every day. Working together, we help safeguard the security of the nation. This is challenging and vitally important work that demands strong communication, analytical and organisational skills – not to mention a good deal of patience and attention to detail. If you enjoy solving problems, becoming an Intelligence Officer is one of the most rewarding and interesting career paths you could choose. Make sense of it at www.mi5.gov.uk/careers/intelligence

To apply you must be over 18 and a British citizen. Discretion is vital. You should not discuss your application, other than with your partner or a close family member. felix FRIDAY 11 february 2011 45 SPORT Ice Hockey: Football: 1st Knights unable team go top of to slay the table and into mighty Devils ULU Semi’s

Will Mason checks being thrown, notably by Kolb. ...Continued from Back Page to draw a save from Garner in goal. Ice Hockey Mid-way into the period Kent equalised ever, as the second half saw the midfi eld The fi nal minutes of the match saw re- IC 1st 5 - 3 Kent 1st again, giving the Devils no time to rest. trio of Zarnas, Wilson and Benincasa newed efforts from Imperial, with Rob- The remainder of the period played out dictating play with neat interchanges. inson and Roshid both going close. The Some recent strong performances saw with several scoring chances for the Imperial’s lead was extended to three last word in the match was grabbed by the Devils in good spirits ahead of the Devils, sadly none of them fi nding the goals when Eshun was clattered by an Beswetherick who, having been hacked home game against Kent, currently bot- puck in the back of the net. outpaced RUMS full-back, just yards down inside the area, rammed the re- tom of the league table. There is also the Inspiring words from Coach Coole- from the box. Benincasa lofted the re- sulting penalty into the roof of the net in added rivalry of going up against Impe- gem put the bit fi rmly between the Dev- sulting free-kick into the danger zone, emphatic fashion –despite protestations rial’s old coach, Vince Miller, a lecturer ils’ teeth. The third period started with and Zarnas duly leapt to steer the ball from Imperial defender Graham. at Kent who encouraged the formation a couple of strong attempts to score be- into top-right corner of the net with a Honours for Man of the Match were of Kent’s own team. fore Benani-Kamane, 2, got his second well-placed header. split between Zarnas and Benincasa, Despite a great performance at the last goal assisted by Grant, 14. Back in the Having effectively sealed the game though there were many potential can- fi xture against Birmingham, the Devils lead the Devils’ had one purpose and Imperial’s tempo dropped temporarily, didates. 4-0 was the fi nal score, with the were slow to pick up the pace in the fi rst they followed up with a fourth goal min- permitting RUMS a few tentative for- 1s easing into the Cup semi-fi nals, and period. Kent was able to keep posses- utes later by Ulmefors, 25, assisted by ays towards the Imperial goal – pressure in good spirits ahead of the upcoming sion for long periods and get a few shots Lohner, 67, and Belair, 81. Kent imme- which was readily absorbed, and failed match against league contenders LSE. on goal, successfully turned away by diately called a time-out and it was clear Devils’ Net Minder Collins, 38. Verbal they would go all out to score. Coach encouragement from coach Dave Coo- Coolegem put the emphasis on safety- legem during the period saw play pick play, minimising the risk of conceding. up and develop, culminating in an unas- Back on the ice and moments after the sisted goal by Philippe Benani-Kamane face-off Benani-Kamane, 2, seized the playing in the number 2 Jersey. Just as opportunity and scored himself a hat- Netball: Three games in three the period was drawing to a close Dev- trick, assisted by Kratky, 68, and Grant, ils’ winger and alternate captain Marcus 14. Kent were enraged and drove for Ulmefors, 25, was fairly penalised for goal on the very next face-off, scoring days for the ladies 1st team checking from behind, putting the Dev- their third with little time remaining in ils on the Penalty Kill and Ulmefors out the period. The Devils’ had a couple for 10 minutes. Starting the 2nd period 1 of extra chances, but played out the re- Mixed bag of results in London fi xtures man down the Devils held off well un- maining minute with no goals leaving til a last second goal by Kent pulled the the score-line at a comfortable 5-3 win. score-lines level. Back in 5-on-5 play it Man-of-the-Match went to Knights’ Bernice Cutler At half time UCL were at least 17 competition for the next round was UCL was moments before defence-man Kurt 33, credited with two assists and gen- Netball goals in front. But some good team 1s who we had played the day before! Kolb, 12, slotted the puck, assisted by erally agreed to be fastest on the puck, IC 1st 38-46 UCL spirit enabled us to gain back nine of Next time we will show them how it is Captain Ed Grant, 14. Play continued whilst Devils’ Dan Belair, 81, was also those goals as GS, Tamar, was on top done. hot and heavy with some great body named despite not having scored. IC 1st 31-16 RUMS form! Although we lost (simply due to Our fi nal match of the three was IC 1st 32-22 LSE them playing dirty) we had to keep our against LSE 1s in the far, far away heads held high as Tuesday’s match was place that is Berrylands. After an hour against the UCL Medics- RUMS. journey there, the team were not as en- Having 3 matches in 3 days is never fun Wherever the medics are from, IC thusiastic as they were at the beginning but ICUNC 1s stepped up to the chal- always want to beat them and RUMS of the week but the fi ghting spirit soon lenge. (UCL Medics) were no exception. kicked in. With fantastic movement and On Monday, faced with playing UCL Meeting at South Ken as always, Cap- interceptions from many players on the 1s, who looked stylish as always, the tain Nicole remembered that Emma court including Rachel Zaborski and IC girls began their campaign to win Gould was unable to play sending panic Carolyn Sharpe, IC entered the fi nal three matches in three days. With some through the team. How were we sup- quarter ahead, but not as comfortably good movement around the court, it posed to win with six players? Partic- as they would have hoped. Not to worry wasn’t long before IC realised that UCL ularly as Emma was the player of the though as LSE only managed to break were out to win and would play dirty to match on Monday. down the defence once in the whole make sure they did! Every centre our Arriving in Brixton to take on RUMS quarter because they pushed over WD, GD, Bernice Cutler, was elbowed in for the second time this term, we were Sorcha Cotter. It was quite clever of the ribs as her player ran to receive the determined to win even with six players. them to distract IC 1s from defending ball as well as GA, Nicole Evans, being They are medics after all!! It soon be- by pushing over the token fresher! But pushed around at the other end. When came clear that we were able to wipe the their dirty play was not enough to beat a complaint was put in to the umpire, fl oor with RUMS winning comfortably the 1s! she simply asked if Bernice was going to go through to the next round of the We’re up against the Medics 1s next to move away and if not, then to get the ULU cup... week, so let’s hope it’s another Medics GA back. What we didn’t know was that our team which IC 1s are able to beat!! 46 FRIDAY 11 february 2011 felix

Sports Editors: Jovan Nedic David Wilson SPORT [email protected] Felix Sports League sponsored by Handball: Close call for the Eagles as they manage to Team P W D L F A Diff Index 1 Fencing M1 8 8 0 0 960 757 203 5.00 fend off rivals UCL 2 Basketball M1 8 8 0 0 607 467 140 5.00 3 Fencing W1 7 7 0 0 940 497 443 5.00 4 Table Tennis M2 6 6 0 0 94 8 86 5.00 Stefan Bauer 5 Water Polo W1 5 4 1 0 72 12 60 4.40 Handball 6 Volleyball M1 10 9 0 1 19 4 15 4.10 IC 1st 22 - 21 UCL 1st 7 Volleyball W1 10 9 0 1 18 4 14 4.10 8 Tennis M1 10 8 1 1 76 44 32 3.80 There was not a single moment of calm in the 9 Lacrosse W1 7 6 0 1 103 27 76 3.71 game that would determine the top seed in the 10 Table Tennis M1 6 5 0 1 70 32 38 3.50 London division of the Handball Development 11 ICSM Netball W1 10 8 0 2 399 269 130 3.20 League. 12 Squash W1 10 8 0 2 31 8 23 3.20 It was already the 5th time that UCL and Im- 13 Basketball W1 5 4 0 1 229 178 51 3.20 perial have met on the handball court on a com- 14 Table Tennis W1 5 4 0 1 20 5 15 3.20 petitive level, but not even the infamous 9:7 15 Hockey W1 9 7 0 2 53 16 37 3.00 victory for IC in 2010 was as closely contested 16 Lacrosse M1 8 6 0 2 117 74 43 2.75 as last weekend’s game. In fact, the tension was 17 Netball W1 11 8 0 3 457 310 147 2.55 so obvious, that even our Spanish line-player, 18 Rugby M1 10 7 0 3 217 143 74 2.30 Ignacio Vasquez-Garcia, managed to be on 19 ICSM Hockey W1 7 4 1 2 25 15 10 2.00 time for a game for the fi rst time this season. 20 ICSM Football M1 7 4 1 2 23 14 9 2.00 In an act of provocation, the UCL-based girls 21 Hockey M1 7 4 1 2 22 17 5 2.00 playing for the two rivals’ joint women’s team 22 ICSM Hockey M3 6 4 0 2 11 19 -8 2.00 came to support their university’s players, de- Player 14 has had a strong season, he’s really bounced back from those sex scandals 23 ICSM Rugby M3 8 5 0 3 168 209 -41 1.63 spite that fact that they train with Imperial, but 24 Badminton M1 10 4 3 3 44 36 8 1.40 soon changed their ‘loyalties’ in favour of the 25 Tennis W1 5 3 0 2 30 30 0 1.40 more attractive side. for the Imperial Eagles and David Müller-Wi- With merely 90 seconds to go, Imperial was 26 Hockey M2 9 4 2 3 16 23 -7 1.33 The game was off to a good start for Imperial esner brining some fresh legs onto the court, 3 goals ahead and could smell the sweet scent 27 Netball W3 7 4 0 3 231 168 63 1.14 as Lucas Carstens, inspired by the fact that his the team made sure to stay within 4 goals of of victory when Mike Capper, who had signifi - 28 Hockey M3 7 2 3 2 6 5 1 1.14 Danish countrymen had reached the Handball their rivals, and eventually go ahead towards cantly increased his season-scoring-tally in the 29 Football M1 10 5 1 4 27 17 10 1.10 World Cup fi nal the day before, found the back the end of the game. No one expected the hosts fi rst half of the game, found himself in a prom- 30 Badminton W1 10 5 1 4 34 46 -12 1.10 of the net with a rocket of a shot in the fi rst to surrender easily though – and they surely ising shooting position. After his potentially 31 Fencing M2 9 5 0 4 1017 994 23 1.00 minute. However, UCL appeared not to be in- didn’t! UCL gathered all the energy they had decisive shot came off the post the team lost 32 Netball W2 8 4 0 4 295 333 -38 0.50 timidated and even managed to take the lead in left and tirelessly fi red shot after shot at Stefan focus on 2 occasions, which handed their oppo- 33 ICSM Netball W4 6 3 0 3 152 149 3 0.50 the early stages of the game. Bauer’s goal. However, IC’s number one and nent a chance to even draw the game in the last 34 ICSM Badminton W1 7 2 2 3 29 33 -4 0.29 The Eagles’ solid 5-1 defence, with an ever- most capped player was equal to almost every- moments. Fortunately, an ill-timed pass handed 35 ICSM Badminton M1 8 3 1 4 24 40 -16 0.13 so-agile Roberto Galli fi ghting for every ball, thing that came his way on this day and, once possession over to the guests again, who then 36 ICSM Netball W2 9 4 0 5 282 298 -16 0.00 kept the visitors from South Ken in the game. again, played a crucial role in a fi xture against made no mistake and secured those valuable 2 37 Fencing W2 9 4 0 5 1026 1051 -25 0.00 Untypically, though, it was the attacking de- this site. league points. 38 ICSM Hockey M1 7 3 0 4 13 14 -1 -0.14 partment that appeared to have trouble getting 39 ICSM Hockey M2 8 2 2 4 12 24 -12 -0.25 into the game. ‘Incroyable’ was Thibault Her- 40 ICSM Football M2 5 2 0 3 14 16 -2 -0.40 vier’s response when asked to comment about 41 Football W1 5 2 0 3 11 15 -4 -0.40 the missed chances in front of the opponent’s 42 Badminton M2 8 3 0 5 33 31 2 -0.63 goal, which was, in all fairness, guarded by a Rugby: First team earn hard fought 43 Football M2 9 4 0 7 12 27 -15 -0.89 real goalkeeper this time. 44 Ice Hockey Mx2 2 0 1 1 2 7 -5 -1.00 When the referee blew the half time whistle victory in dying seconds of the game 45 Water Polo M1 2 0 1 1 13 18 -5 -1.00 (the only right call that baboon made all day) 46 ICSM Hockey W3 3 1 0 2 3 13 -10 -1.00 the Imperial Eagles were trailing by 3 goals. 47 Ice Hockey Mx1 6 2 0 4 24 41 -17 -1.00 The interval gave every member of the team David Wilson fering threat, Imperial could not build on their 48 ICSM Rugby M1 9 2 1 6 144 279 -135 -1.33 time to refl ect on an intense 30 minutes and Rugby lead and lax defending allowed Kent to level 49 Squash M3 7 2 0 5 10 23 -13 -1.43 offered an opportunity to have some rather Imperial 1s 24-21 Kent University 1s just before the break. 50 Fencing M3 7 2 0 5 755 843 -88 -1.43 bruised digits taped for Hugh Ronzani, who Imperial took the game to their visitors after 51 ICSM Rugby M2 10 2 1 7 172 344 -172 -1.60 was brave enough to play on. Captain Charlie Esberger barged over for a try half time and went ahead with tries from Simon 52 Squash M4 4 1 0 3 5 7 -2 -1.75 Tobias Gierk displayed impressive relent- in the penultimate play of the match to rescue a Fenton and a second from Chavas, following 53 ICSM Hockey W2 8 2 0 6 20 39 -19 -1.75 lessness in attack and was keen to induce result for Imperial who appeared to be heading good carries from Ed Labinski, Jamie Aldridge 54 Hockey W2 8 2 0 6 10 32 -22 -1.75 some rhythm into the game by coordinating for a second loss in a row after letting a two try and Sean Baker. Kent old boy, Ben Adubi, 55 Rugby M3 8 2 0 6 66 281 -215 -1.75 IC’s clever, yet largely unsuccessful schemes, lead slip. combined well with his partner at centre, Joe 56 ICSM Badminton M2 5 1 0 4 14 26 -12 -2.20 which did prove diffi cult in a heated match like Imperial were looking to bounce back last Harris, and the back three of Barnett, Nathan 57 Rugby W1 6 1 0 5 76 195 -119 -2.50 this. As a matter of fact, the aforementioned weeks shock defeat to Chichester and started Fitzpatrick, Jack Judd and his replacement Jack 58 Rugby M2 12 2 0 10 168 320 -152 -2.50 primate of a referee made things worse by the match brightly with the forwards provid- Newton ran good strong lines whilst the half 59 Football M3 7 1 0 6 13 24 -11 -2.71 demonstrating a unique lack of vision com- ing good ball for the backs to attack out wide. backs of James Hayward and Olly Cox pro- 60 Hockey M4 7 1 0 6 8 19 -11 -2.71 bined with spectacularly poor understanding Whilst man of the match, Louie Barnett pre- duced a solid platform to work off. Substitute 61 Rugby M4 7 1 0 6 49 295 -246 -2.71 of the game’s rules. His decisions intensely vented certain Kent try with a last man tackle. veteran prop, Callum O’Rourke, added further 62 Tennis M2 6 0 1 5 14 57 -43 -3.00 infuriated our president and right-back Kolja Discipline still remains a problem amongst the strength in the scrum and the loose as the game 63 Squash M2 10 1 0 9 11 39 -28 -3.10 Ortmann, who let off some steam on the court team, with penalties allowing Kent to gain ter- wore on. 64 Squash M1 6 0 0 6 4 26 -22 -4.00 by scoring an impressive goal with an under- ritory and cancelling out Imperial’s hard work Complacency seeped into Imperial’s game 65 ICSM Netball W3 7 0 0 7 134 257 -123 -4.00 arm shot that almost saw the UCL keeper jump in attack. Imperial went ahead with a try from allowing Kent back in but the team showed its 5 points for a win | 2 points for a draw | -4 points for a loss out of the way. Thomas Chavas who protected the ball at the determination and grit to come back and snatch With Juan Avila-Anton making his debut tail of a driving maul off a lineout.. Despite of- a victory from the jaws of defeat. felix FRIDAY 11 february 2011 47 SPORT

trailing by four points at half-time on a score-line of 2-3 to 1-2. Cryptic Crossword 1,482 The second half started well for Im- 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Gaelic Sports: perial with midfi eld duo Finian McCann and Donal Connolly combining to win 9 the throw-in. With the wind at their backs, Imperial really began to move 10 10 the ball quickly into Dunne and Conn Cambridge fall 11 O’Rourke with Dunne starting the scor- ing for the half with a goal and a point. 1112 12 15 Cambridge briefl y held possession near 13 14 to Imperial for a the Imperial end before McCann re- ceived the ball just inside the Cambridge 1316 1417 15 1618 1915 152016 half to duly launch the ball over the bar from fi fty-fi ve yards. With O’Hare, Lav- 17 18 21 ery, Ben Ryder and debutant James Sha- second year 2217 23 182419 19 25 nahan blunting the Cambridge attack, Imperial had now found a comfortable 20 21 21 22 Ed Fitzpatrick in front of the Cambridge posts. Some rhythm as Dunne, Connolly and Mike lapses in concentration led to some White scored points. A fortuitous goal 2620 21 23 24 22 23 Last Saturday the IC Gaelic Football well-taken points and two easy goals for from Fitzpatrick was followed by an- 25 26 team recorded their fi rst win of the sea- Cambridge. other from O’Hare off the back of some son away against Cambridge. A potential third was blocked at short powerful forward drives. Cambridge 24 25 23 27 Playing against a stiff diagonal breeze, range by keeper Harry Evans and in struck back however against the run of 28 Imperial knew that resistance would be spite of the strong wind his deep kick- play to smash home a goal off the cross- the order of play for the fi rst half. How- outs found their way to Sean Dunne and bar and then another barely two minutes 26 29 ever, some cutting runs forward by Ed- Eddie Fitz who recorded a goal and two later. With ten minutes remaining the die Fitzpatrick and Donal Connolly points between them in the fi rst half. score stood at 4-7 to 4-3 in favour of were boosted by sterling defending from Dunne eventually picked up the three- Imperial as Cambridge looked ready to Across Down old hands Ed O’Hare and Andy Lavery pointer after continuously beating his cause an upset. 1. Fuel for 100 aboard SS Links (9) 1. Rocker going against the grain, perhaps and man-of-the-match William Seez, man to the ball. A fl urry of goalmouth Be that as it was, Imperial dug deep 9. Swirling wind destroyed a party (7) (6) and Imperial soon found themselves scrambles around John McGuckin were and half-time addition Francis O’Neill 10. One suffering wrath of Artemis to pur- 2. Giant moans about hostility (10) enjoying the majority of the possession eventually cleared leaving Imperial made some great runs forward from sue surrounding aeroplane wings (7) 3. Leader’s uninvited and leaves after full back to let the midfi eld diamond 11. Pay back, replacing head with head of party happening at some point (8) of O’Hare, McCann, Connolly and Fitz viper with poison (5) 4. Have ability to be on list of saints (5) control the remainder of the match, re- 12. Smile with the sunrise, perhaps (7,2) 5. MUST CRUSH TAXES! (5,4) inforced by the muscle of Seez. After a 13. Lundgren inside sort of whale (7) 6. Motor left with nonsensical communica- long burst from McCann and a beauti- 15. Breathe one’s last in golden goodbye tion (6) fully curled point from the boot of Fitz- (5) 7. Drinking establishment normality in patrick, IC were replied to by a fi nal 17. Face of elaborate song for Lambert (5) farm building (4) score for Cambridge. After intercept- 18. Concrete structure to protect plane. 8. Wisdom extremely dopey in France (8) ing and dispossessing a string of short Thank You! (5) 14. Fall over, as a DJ might? (3,3,4) Cambridge kickouts, Imperial killed off 19. Particular kind of pointed stick (5) 16. Office work a crime through infiltra- the game with points for McCann and 20. Boy, you’re a prime swordsman (7) tion (6,3) O’Rourke and yet another major from 23. Devious detective performed well on 17. Killer of two donkeys at home (8) Sean Dunne, leaving the fi nal score Im- the road (9) 18. A job more confusing with vast quanti- perial 5-11 (26 points) Cambridge 4-4 25. Sporting struggle with horrible people ties of alcohol (8) (16 points). holding queen (5) 21. Say to check again (6) The very encouraging display from 27. Toe loss horribly gives least stabil- 22. Facing into sun, for instance, for part the Boys in (darker) Blue was celebrated ity (7) of generator (6) to the tune of the fi nest ‘odes to’ along- 28. Inside bush, love that’s fiery (7) 24. Might this be found in accusal voice? side much cider and fl owing champagne 29. Actuary, one holding page, loses right (5) after the victory. to hospital (9) 26. Left out gun that’s widespread (4)

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BASKETBALL SQUASH Saturday 5 February RUGBY UNION ULU Women’s 3s 29 GOLF Women’s 1s 1 Men’s 3rd vs Imperial Medi- Men’s 1s 90 Royal Holloway 1s 3 Men’s 3s 5 FOOTBALL ULU Women’s 1s 22 Goldsmiths 2s 24 University of Mixed 1s 3 King’s College 2s 0 cals 2nd Men’s 1s 4 St George’s Hospital Medical Hertfordishire 2s 26 University of Kingston 2s 3 Women’s 2s 1 RUMS 1s 0 School 1s 35 Women’s 4s 16 Brunel University 3s 1 TENNIS Men’s 3rd vs UCL 4th Queen Mary, University of Women’s 1s 60 HOCKEY Women 1s 0 Men’s 2s 0 Monday 7 February London 3s 26 Kingston University 1s 46 Men’s 1s 6 LACROSSE Univsersity of Surrey 12 Men’s 4th vs LSE 5th Royal Holloway 2s 0 BASKETBALL University of Women’s 1s 3 Women’s 1s 43 WATERPOLO FENCING Hertfordshire 1s 2 UCL 1s 11 Saturday 12 February Men’s 6th vs St George’s Saturday 6 February Kingston University 1s 50 Men’s 1s 13 Women’s 2s 119 RUGBY UNION ULU Medical School 3rd BASKETBALL ULU King’s College 1s 4 Brunel University 1st 116 Men’s 2s 0 NETBALL Men’s 2nd vs Royal University of Reading 3s 1 Women’s 1s 36 NETBALL ULU Women’s 3s 13 Holloway 2nd Men’s 6th vs King’s Monday 9 February Queen Mary, University of Women’s 1s 26 FOOTBALL Men’s 3s 1 LSE 3s 26 College 4rd London 1s 31 Imperial Medicals 1s 36 BADMINTON Men’s 2s 2 University of Portsmouth 4s 2 Men’s 3rd vs RUMS 3rd Men’s 1s 0 Buckinghamshire New Univer- RUGBY Men’s 7th vs King’s HOCKEY ULU Women’s 2s 32 UWE 1s 8 sity 2s 3 Men’s 1s 24 FOOTBALL ULU College 6th Men’s 4s 5 Univsersity of Kent 21 Women’s 1s 2 UCL 3s 41 University of Middlesex 1s 0 Men’s 1st vs LSE 1st Royal Holloway 1s 0 Women’s 1s 4 Men’s 2s 26 University of Chichester 2s 3 University of Essex 14 Men’s 2nd vs Goldsmiths 1st ISSUE 1482 11.02.11 Rugby 1sts beat Kent in last minute of game Page 46 SPORT Felix Sport sponsored by Football 1sts go top and into ULU semis First eleven put four past RUMS to win ULU Double Header

Tom Fryatt This set the tone for the rest of the Football fi rst half, and Imperial didn’t have to IC 1st 4 - 0 RUMS 1st wait long for an opener, with Eshun doing well to control and then convert A tight fi xture schedule meant that the Beswetherick’s cross, in a crowded pen- match between the 1st XI squads of Im- alty area. Imperial continued to domi- perial and RUMS was to be played as a nate proceedings, with the back three double header, with the result counting seemingly untroubled by the occasional for both the ULU League, and Cup quar- RUMS long ball. Five minutes before ter fi nal. The squad was in a confi dent the break, the lead was doubled when a mood however, being unbeaten in the delicate, if wind assisted, through ball league, and knowing that a win would from Benincasa found Robinson, who take them to the top of the table for the kept his head to coolly fi nish the one on The Eagles fi rst time in the season. one. Given their opponent’s position to- With the very real chance that posi- have a thrilling wards the foot of the table, Imperial tions at the top of the league will be de- Close call opted for an aggressive three-fi ve-two cided on goal difference, the emphasis at encounter formation. This very nearly produced half-time was placed on maintaining the a goal in the opening exchanges of the intensity of the fi rst half, and the squad match, with Robinson fi ring a low cross was determined not to repeat the previ- against UCL to strike partner Eshun, who rattled the ous week’s feat of squandering a two Page 46 post with an audacious fi rst-time effort goal lead. No such luck for RUMS how- for Handball from the edge of the box. ...Continued on Page 45 TECHNOLOGY POLITICS MUSIC FILM HANGMAN

Murdoch launches Does aid cause Is there anyone who True Grit is another Hangman’s guide to new iPad magazine: more harm than doesn’t love Laura Coen Brothers surviving Valentine’s Page 12 good?: Page 15 Marling?: Page 26 success: Page 28 Day: Page 38