sex tape

3/22/13

Kasdan/Segel

abe_recio@ spe.sony.com INT. ANNIE AND JAY’S HOUSE / LIVING ROOM - DAY ANNIE HARGROVE sits cross-legged on her couch, typing on her laptop. Beautiful woman and young mother, tired but generally happy, and writing her blog always wakes her up a bit. We HEAR what she types-- ANNIE (V.O.) Okay. Here’s a question-- do you remember the first time your husband saw you naked? INT. COLLEGE APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT College-age Annie aggressively and hungrily pushes JAY HARGROVE-- good looking, sweet, extremely horny-- down onto her bed. Wearing a long sweatshirt and (we guess) nothing else, she grins seductively and PULLS her sweatshirt over her head. Jay is completely and totally THUNDERSTRUCK. He GRABS her and pulls her to him. ANNIE (V.O.) Do you remember what it felt like? Do you remember what he felt like? MOMENTS LATER-- Jay and Annie are having incredibly intense sex-- JAY Holy Motherfucking Fuck! ANNIE Oh my God! JAY Holy Fuck! And it’s over. He rolls off of her. ANNIE Wow. They catch their breath for a not very long beat. JAY Again? ANNIE Fuck yes. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 2.

And it’s back ON. BACK TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - PRESENT DAY-- Annie smiles at the memory as she types-- ANNIE (V.O.) Now this one might be a little harder. Do you remember the second time your husband saw you naked? INT. COLLEGE APARTMENT/BEDROOM - DAY The next morning. Annie and Jay lie under the covers, totally passed out. A KNOCK at the door-- GIRLS VOICE (O.S.) Annie! You coming? We’re gonna be late! Annie and Jay stir. She checks the clock, hops out of bed, naked. ON JAY -- WATCHING, just as THUNDERSTRUCK, as she opens the door a crack and hides behind it, talking to her roommate BETH, in the hallway-- ANNIE Hey, I totally overslept... BETH (knowing, playing it cool) Oh, ok. Cool. Well... you can meet us... Suddenly, Annie DISAPPEARS from the crack in the door as Jay has PULLED her back to the bed. Beth hears giggling through the still-cracked door. Jay THROWS her down on the bed, looking down at her-- JAY I’m sorry. I saw your butt. Just standing there. ANNIE (embarrassed) Did you? JAY I hadn’t seen your butt before. I had to act. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 3.

She laughs-- and again, it’s ON. BACK TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - PRESENT DAY-- Annie can barely believe it-- ANNIE (V.O.) We accidentally left the door open! She leans back on her couch, but there’s something behind a pillow-- a large toy horse. We see that the floor is covered with all of the scattered mess that comes with children-- ANNIE (V.O.) I mean, can you even imagine a world where you accidentally leave the door open?! COLLEGE APARTMENT/BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS A tall DUDE walks by the cracked door, then doubles back, checking to make sure he saw that right. Then he continues on. Then back one more time. Then on again, without closing the door. On the bed-- athletic, enthusiastic sex, in thrilling positions that we can’t quite see in CU. ANNIE I love fucking you! JAY I fucking love you! They’re both a little surprised by this but then overtaken by the moment, which leads into a kiss. ANNIE (V.O.) For Jay and I, the next few months were a blur of constant naked sweaty ugly amazing sex. TRANSITION into a MONTAGE of them having sex in different places (his room, a car, a shower, against a tree) -- and positions (comically disorienting)-- all in CU-- they had A LOT OF SEX. ANNIE (V.O.) And, let’s face it-- erections. Everywhere. Do you remember the erections...? abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 4.

QUICK CUTS of Jay, in CU, getting “the idea“, as he does the following-- ANNIE (V.O.) If the wind blew, if he ate certain foods, if he watched any movie, if he got sleepy, if he woke up... IN A LIBRARY-- College Jay is alone, studying. ANNIE (V.O.) Sometimes, I swear his erection knew I was in the area, before Jay did. Suddenly, he looks down at his crotch, confused, then looks around-- JAY Annie...? He spots her across the building, having just walked in. CUT TO: IN THE STACKS-- He PUSHES her up against a bookshelf, ready-- ANNIE (whispering) Right here...? JAY Yes. Definitely. Right here. Nobody can see us. REVEAL-- A couple of studying GIRLS, a few feet away, look right at them. ANNIE I think they can see us. He realizes they are caught, so tries to keep going “discreetly”. ANNIE (V.O.) Everywhere we went, everything we did was another opportunity to have sex. JAY (whispers) I love fucking you. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 5.

ANNIE (also whispers) I fucking love you. They laugh-- this has become a thing. BACK TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Annie takes a deep breath, winding up for the following-- ANNIE (V.O.) Then... it happened. INT. ANNIE’S PARENTS’ HOUSE - NIGHT They sit at the dinner table with Annie’s parents LINDA and WALT. ANNIE Mom, Dad, we have some big news... Jay and I are in love and we’re pregnant and we’re getting married! Silence. WALT Come again? JAY (awkward) I love that expression, “come again”. Another silence. LINDA Honey... are you sure? ANNIE Yes, I’m sure! I took the test three times. LINDA No, I mean... are you sure this is the right time? You’re both very young. WALT Greg... JAY Jay. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 6.

WALT Where are you from, again? A long silence. Not the reaction they were hoping for. JAY Mr. and Mrs. Grovner, I know we just met, but from the moment I met Annie, I knew that she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And all I can say is, I hope that someday, once you get to know me, you’ll feel better about this moment than you do right now. They are all a little moved by this. Linda reluctantly raises a glass to toast-- LINDA Oh boy... WALT (bad joke, to Jay) What, you got tired of sex? LINDA/ANNIE WALT Walt!/Dad! What?! Everyone laughs uncomfortably. Jay and Annie look at each other, the first this thought has ever entered their minds. INT. ANNIE’S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - NIGHT Annie and Jay collapse onto the bed, making out, as ever, but she’s a little rocked-- ANNIE Well, that was horrible. JAY (kissing her) How else could they react? They just met me. ANNIE Yeah... JAY Do you need someone to lick your entire body? She smiles, but she’s clearly preoccupied. He sees-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 7.

JAY (CONT’D) What’s wrong? ANNIE Nothing. It’s just... They’re not... right, are they? JAY That we’re too young? ANNIE All of it. Too young... Barely know each other... No more sex. He thinks about this a moment-- JAY We might be too young, but that will change. We’ll get older. And then we’ll get old. And we definitely know each other... ANNIE Greg, right...? JAY Yes, I’m Greg. ANNIE And what about the sex part? Will you still want to have sex with me, when I’m big and fat and pregnant? And then after that, when I’m somebody’s mother? JAY Of course I’ll want to have sex with you! Will you want to have sex with me? ANNIE Yes! JAY Good! You know why I’ll want to have sex with you? ANNIE (quietly) Because of my butt? JAY Yes! Because of your butt! abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 8.

They laugh and are back at it. As he disappears under the covers-- ANNIE That butt’s gonna get big. JAY Bring it on! BACK TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - PRESENT DAY Annie’s brow is furrowed-- ANNIE (V.O.) We promised ourselves nothing would change, that we wouldn’t let it. INT. JAY AND ANNIE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT They sit on the couch, watching a movie, making out, heavily. She reaches down out of frame, he moans, then-- ANNIE Hold on one sec, I have to puke. She runs out of the room, leaving Jay in a confused state. He reacts to the sound of her off-camera RETCHING. ANNIE (V.O.) And even though it was awkward sometimes, we made it work. INT. JAY AND ANNIE’S APARTMENT / BEDROOM - NIGHT She is now really pregnant and uncomfortable, but gamely trying to have sex with him, lying on her side, as he lies behind her, trying to figure out the physics of this-- JAY Ok, I think if you just roll a little bit more to your left... ANNIE I can’t roll any more to my left. My stomach is in the way... JAY Okay... Do you think... I know. I’m gonna grab your boob. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 9.

ANNIE Careful! They’re really sensitive. Not in the good way. JAY Got it. Grabbing carefully. Here comes the penis. She smiles at the total un-sexiness of this. JAY (CONT’D) That’s the name of my album. They crack up. ANNIE (V.O.) We were determined. And often successful. Then came... the event. INT. DELIVERY ROOM - DAY Annie is in the throws of PUSHING, surrounded by NURSES, the DOCTOR and Jay, who sits next to her head, coaching and holding her hand-- DOCTOR 1-2-3! She PUSHES HARD-- ANNIE MOTHER! FUCKER! JAY You’re doing great, baby! DOCTOR Okay, stop pushing. Catch your breath. He’s crowning. (to Jay) You want to see? JAY Yes! Totally! He runs to the end of the bed and looks. SLOW PUSH ON JAY-- what he sees takes his breath away... and also freaks him out. A tidal wave of feeling. ANNIE (V.O.) Nature’s greatest miracle. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 10.

JAY (profound) That is one incredibly versatile hole. The nurses look at him curiously. INT. LIVING ROOM - PRESENT DAY Annie winces at the memory-- ANNIE (V.O.) And also nature’s great cock block. From that moment on, everything was just completely different. No two ways about it. Not that we didn’t try... QUICK CUTS-- of Annie and Jay being interrupted-- -- in bed, MAKING OUT-- A CRY from another room. Annie rolls off of him to go get the baby. -- in bed again, KISSING, she moves to unzip his pants... Another CRY. His turn. -- in bed again. A quick KISS, and they both fall asleep mid- kiss. -- in bed again, this time with little CLIVE, nestled sweetly but firmly, between them. ANNIE (V.O.) ...and if one made it difficult, two made it almost impossible. MATCH DISSOLVE-- there is now a second baby, NELL, attached to Annie’s breast and 4-year-old Clive, sleeps horizontally between them, as if he were actually trying to keep them physically apart. Jay and Annie are nearly passed out, completely exhausted. He reaches over and takes her hand, whispering-- ANNIE Let’s try to have sex next weekend, when my mom comes over for lunch. JAY Totally. I’m in. I’m gonna... do you like a... He drifts off. So does she. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 11.

INT. LIVING ROOM - PRESENT DAY Annie winds up to the big finish, a little depressed-- ANNIE (V.O.) Now-- do you remember the last time your husband saw you naked? CUT TO: INT. ANNIE AND JAY’S BATHROOM (PRESENT DAY) - DAY Jay sits on the toilet, barely awake. ANNIE (O.S.) (slightly annoyed) Jay! Annie walks in, naked and stressed, starts the shower-- ANNIE (CONT’D) Could use a little help here. JAY (defensive) I’m sorry. I was working until 2am... ANNIE Clive is on the computer and he won’t put on his Little League uniform. Nell won’t eat until she picks all the raisins out of her raisin bagel. I have to get ready for this meeting. Can you please... JAY Yeah. On it. He wakes himself up and reaches for the toilet paper, as she gets in the shower. Maybe the least hot moment ever. INT. LIVING ROOM - PRESENT DAY ANNIE (V.O.) Don’t even think about it. The big question is-- how the hell do you get it back? INSERT-- On her screen, we see her hit a “post” button. And we see this post land on her blog “Yo Mama”. She closes her laptop. TITLE CARD-- “Sex Tape” abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 12.

INT. DEN - DAY Clive (now 10) sits behind the computer; Jay appears in the doorway-- JAY Clive. Bud. We gotta go. If you want to wear your uniform to school, you gotta get dressed. CLIVE One minute. This is really important. JAY What are you doing? On the screen-- Clive is editing a little iMovie. CLIVE It’s my video yearbook presentation for graduation on Monday. Jay pushes play. It is a montage of Clive and his classmates doing activities throughout the year. JAY That is... super-impressive. I love it. How do you know how to do this? CLIVE It’s really easy, Dad. Clive does a keystroke to stop the video. The computer asks “Save as Video 1?” Clive pushes return. JAY Can you save it as something besides VIDEO 1? CLIVE It’s fine. JAY Can you please just do that for me? You need to get in the habit of saving things properly. CLIVE I’m fine. It’s video one. JAY Clive. I asked you to do something. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 13.

CLIVE Don’t condescend to me. It’s time to go to school. I’ll meet you in the car. He leaves, Jay takes a deep breath, calls to the next room-- JAY Nell! You ready?! INT. FOYER - DAY Jay holds the door open for NELL (now 5) and Clive, now in his Little League uniform, who lugs his backpack-- JAY Alright. Train’s leaving the station. Let’s go... CLIVE I’m going! NELL I’m going too! Jay lets their tone bounce off of him. Annie enters, dressed for a meeting-- ANNIE Did you remember to pack her... JAY Yes. ANNIE And you’ll remember about picking up the... JAY ...the light bulbs. Yes. She hears herself. JAY (CONT’D) Good luck. It’s going to go great. ANNIE Am I actually going to sell the blog? And make money off of it? Is that possible? abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 14.

JAY It would be great. For everything. But let them convince you. You have the power here. ANNIE Ok. They give each other a quick, married peck-- their faces barely touch. CLIVE (O.C.) Dad! We’re gonna be late! Come on! Hurry up! NELL (O.C.) Yeah! Hurry up! JAY I’m coming! Hold your horses! (whispering to Annie) The big one is becoming kind of a dick. ANNIE Don’t say that! JAY You know it’s true. ANNIE Ever since he’s been playing with Howard... I know I shouldn’t say this because he’s Robby and Tess’s kid but Howard creeps me out. He’s weird and intimidating and I don’t like him. JAY Yeah, he’s... a little odd. Call me after. ANNIE Ok. He starts to leave, then hesitates-- JAY By the way, I’d love to have sex sometime soon. ANNIE Definitely. Maybe Thursday. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 15.

JAY Just saying, it’s been a really long time. ANNIE I know... JAY Like, over a month, I think. ANNIE I get it! I can’t talk about this right now... JAY I know! Not the time! Sorry. You want to though, right? ANNIE Yes! It’s just so hard to find the moment. At the end of the day, with the kids, we’re so exhausted... JAY I know! It’s hard. I was just thinking maybe we could have sex some time, instead of watching Project Runway. We could tivo Project Runway. ANNIE It’s not just Project Runway... JAY I know! We don’t have to get into this right now. Just putting in a request. Good luck. Call me after. He leaves. This moment has struck a chord with her. INT. CHEVY TAHOE - DAY Jay drives the kids. They creep forward in the school lane. NELL Why do we keep having all these days and then going to bed at night and then having these days and then going to bed at night? JAY That's what life is. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 16.

NELL When will it end? JAY It won’t ever end. CLIVE Well, it’ll end when we die. NELL What is die? JAY Clive, cut it out. NELL Won't I get bored of doing this stuff again and again and again? JAY No. NELL But you and mommy are bored. CLIVE That’s what happens with marriage. JAY Who are you? CLIVE Nell is doing it again. Jay looks in the rear view mirror. Nell has her hand behind her back. JAY Nell take your finger out of your butt. Nell takes her hand out from behind her back. JAY (CONT’D) Thanks honey. CLIVE Is someone going to clean her finger? Nell tries to wipe it on Clive. Jay smiles to himself. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 17.

CLIVE (CONT’D) Dad! Nell is trying to wipe her finger on me! JAY Now we’re both trying to! Jay reaches back and tickles Clive while Nell tries to touch him with her finger. CLIVE (while laughing) Stop it! Stop! Stop it! They stop. Then Clive attacks back, tickling Nell and Jay. Jay tickle attacks back. They’re all laughing. Jay looks at the road to see he’s swerving into traffic. Jay swerves back. They are all shocked into silence. JAY Let’s just all uh calm down. INT. FISHER-PRICE CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Annie sits with a dozen EXECUTIVES, including HANK ROSENBAUM, who seems to be in charge. EXECUTIVE 1 “Yo Mama” has over two million unique visitors a month and exactly the mommy-focused readership that the Fisher-Price Online Family caters to. EXECUTIVE 2 We could help build on that number by quite a bit and help drive a significant revenue stream. HANK But it’s more than that, Annie. It’s not just that we want to buy your blog-- which we do-- we also believe in you. ANNIE Wow... Thanks. HANK We think you have brand potential, Annie. We need a promotable face and voice online. The model Fisher Price mother. (MORE) abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 18. HANK (CONT'D) Somebody appealing and honest, who represents Fisher Price values. ANNIE Yeeesh... thank you. What are the Fisher Price values... again? HANK. Fun. Safety. Integrity. Family. And fun. (realizes) I said that already. ANNIE Well... I can be fun. “She accidentally said out loud...” EXECUTIVE 2 There are certain content guidelines we’d need to discuss. ANNIE How do you mean? HANK (trying to smooth this over) Little things. For example, you wrote a post last week about... your intimate life. EXECUTIVE 1 (reading) “Do you remember the first time your husband saw you naked?” ANNIE Right. I know the one. HANK Great post. Really enjoyed it. But it gets a little... detailed. And, to be frank, a little titillating, in parts. ANNIE (uncomfortable) Um... Yeah...? HANK It’s not exactly Fisher-Price- esque. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 19.

ANNIE I see. HANK Which is not to say that I didn’t find it very, very enjoyable. And, as I mentioned, titillating in parts. ANNIE I think I hear what you’re saying. HANK We’re getting ahead of ourselves. For now, let’s let our people call your attorney and make a meaningful proposal. We’d like to make it worth your while. INT. RADIO STATION/ CONTROL BOOTH - DAY A KCRW-esque public radio station, dark and unfancy. Jay sits behind a console, going over playlists on an iPad. Nearby, the engineer MAX (20s), half-listens to the DJ, middle-aged hipster CHARLIE NEWHOUSE, who is introducing a song, on the other side of a partition. CHARLIE ...the band is coming through the Los Angeles area tomorrow, and we’ll have them in-studio to discuss the new album. Meantime, here’s the single, it’s called “Spank Me”. He starts the song. Jay turns to Max-- JAY Next one is cued up on 4. MAX Got it. Just then, Max’s phone BUZZES-- text message. He picks it up casually and looks at it, double takes-- MAX (CONT’D) Oh damn! JAY What? MAX Nothing. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 20.

JAY Dude, you can’t do that. What is it? Everything ok? MAX Yeah... (confidentially) Between you and me... Rosie just texted me the sexiest fucking .gif I’ve ever seen. JAY She did? MAX (staring at it) Fuuuck. JAY What... You mean... what is it...? MAX I shouldn’t even tell you. But let me just say, it involves boobs. Jay is a little confused. JAY You mean her boobs? MAX Yeah, dude. JAY (wistful) That’s great, man. A girl who .gifs her own boobs... MAX (staring) Fuuuuuck! (meaningful) She does this all the time. She’s so fucking hot. This is resonating with Jay, in light of his conversation leaving home. JAY (meaningful) Enjoy this time. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 21.

ROSIE (the .gif-sender) enters, mid-20s, very sexy, with a pair of boxes and the guys get a little self-conscious, she gives Max a little squeeze on the shoulder, and he tries badly to act professional-- MAX Oh, hi Rosie. ROSIE Babe, Jay knows we’re dating. You don’t have to be all awkward about it... (to Jay) New iPads are here. She hands the boxes to Jay, who starts to open one. JAY Thanks. Been looking forward to this. ROSIE How many of those do you have? JAY Just two at a time. One for new music, one for back catalogue. It’s a lot of syncing but I have a system. ROSIE What do you do with the old ones? JAY I give them as gifts. It’s the one perk of my job. That and the fact that I listen to music, instead of, you know... working. You want one of the old ones? ROSIE Sure! Thanks, Jay! JAY No problem. ROSIE If you don’t mind, leave your music on there. You have such amazing stuff. She smiles at him and he is momentarily taken in by her almost-compliment. Just then, his phone rings. Annie is calling. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 22.

(As soon as he’s distracted, Max and Rosie start mouthing dirty stuff to each other, behind his back) Jay answers his phone-- JAY How’d it go? INTERCUT WITH: Annie driving her minivan-- ANNIE They want to buy it! JAY That’s great! Did they make an offer? ANNIE They’re going to. They said it would be “meaningful”, whatever that means. JAY I think it means “a lot of money”. We have to celebrate! ANNIE Slow down. They haven’t even made the offer yet. JAY But they’re going to! That’s reason to celebrate. I can get Sam to cover me tonight. What should we do...? ANNIE Should we take the kids somewhere fun? Roller-skating and pizza? Not quite what he was thinking, but he doesn’t miss a beat-- JAY Yeah. Totally. Can’t wait. She hangs up and gets an idea, smiles, dials her phone. After a beat, Linda picks up-- LINDA (ON PHONE) Hello? ANNIE Hey mom. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 23.

LINDA (ON PHONE) What’s wrong? ANNIE Nothing. Hey... what are you doing tonight? EXT. ANNIE AND JAY’S HOUSE - EVENING Jay parks in his driveway next to Annie’s minivan and hurries to the door, arms loaded with cds and his new iPads. INT. FOYER - SAME Jay comes through the door-- JAY Who’s up for some rollerskating?! Nothing. JAY (CONT’D) Annie! Clive! Nellie! No answer. He thinks it’s a little odd, calls down the hall- JAY (CONT’D) Annie, are you here?! ANNIE One sec! JAY Ok. He moves to his desk and pulls one of his new iPads from his bag, wakes up the computer and plugs it in. On the screen-- the series of set-up screens ask him the typical “new iPad” questions. He breezes through them, having done this a lot. “Would you like to sync to an existing library?” He answers “yes”... ANNIE (O.S.) Hey. JAY (focused on his computer) Hey, where are the kids? ANNIE (O.S.) They’re at my mom’s. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 24.

JAY They are? I thought we were... He finishes what he was doing and turns to see Annie behind him-- JAY (CONT’D) Holy shit. --in sexy underwear and roller-skates. She looks amazing. JAY (CONT’D) Wha... Wow. Oh my god. Look at... wow. She blushes and awkwardly rolls over to him, he holds her. ANNIE Too much? JAY Are you kidding me?! No! ANNIE I was thinking maybe... You know. JAY Yes. Yes! Absolutely! Let’s... yeah. I’m in. ANNIE You are? JAY Yes! Yes! When are they... ANNIE They’re spending the night. JAY Yes!!! ANNIE (laughs) I thought maybe we could celebrate, just the two of us. JAY I get it. I love it... This might be the best idea you’ve ever had. She laughs and takes his hand, leading him out-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 25.

JAY (CONT’D) You look amazing. Do you own this underwear? Why have I never seen this? This is so exciting! I’m so excited right now! INT. JAY AND ANNIE’S HOUSE / BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER She takes a running/skating LEAP onto the bed, and poses playfully-- JAY And now you’re on the bed! This is great! ANNIE You’re narrating. JAY I know. ANNIE (play-sultry) Why don’t you come over here and pull these roller-skates off of me? JAY I love when you talk like that about your roller-skates. He comes over to the foot of the bed and sensually runs his hands down her leg to a roller-skate-- then starts untying it. Which is a little harder than it seems like it would be-- JAY (CONT’D) (”turned-on”) Ooooooh. Doubleknot. I like it. She laughs as he tries to pick apart the knot. After an awkwardly long beat-- ANNIE (moves to help) Here... JAY I got it, I got it... He loosens the laces and starts pulling on the skate to get it off her foot-- doesn’t come off easily. ANNIE Here, let me just... abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 26.

He YANKS hard and SHE FLIES off the bed, onto the floor. He goes down too-- ANNIE (CONT’D) Aahh! JAY Oh my god! I didn’t mean to... ANNIE Shit! Ow! God... JAY I’m so sorry, babe. Are you alright? ANNIE I just kind of banged my tailbone... JAY I’m such an idiot. I’m so sorry... She cracks up; he does too. ANNIE Well, that got a lot less hot, really quick. JAY (pained) I know! Shit! She looks him in the eyes, trying to bring it back-- gets close. And he’s instantly back into it. He kisses her. She kisses him back-- a real kiss. First real kiss in a long time. And they both feel it. JAY (CONT’D) Whoa. ANNIE Shall we continue? They do it again-- but after a moment, the open-mouthed-ness gets a little weird, the rust showing. ANNIE (CONT’D) Okay, little toothy... JAY I know. What the hell... abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 27.

ANNIE Just relax. JAY I’m relaxed. Do I not seem relaxed? ANNIE Sshhh... They do it again, and this time, she seems a little awkward, opens her eyes. Realizes they both have their eyes open. She laughs-- ANNIE (CONT’D) Sorry, sorry... JAY What’s going on here?! (deep breath) Ok. I’m gonna take a leak. We’re gonna reset. And then we’re gonna fuck like wild... hampsters. ANNIE Less narrating maybe. JAY “Wild hampsters”? Is that an expression? INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER They are now in bed, under the covers. ANNIE Alright. JAY Here we go. ANNIE Let’s do this thing. JAY It’s on. He kisses her neck, and reaches down under the covers, feeling her up-- JAY (CONT’D) We have hit boob. She laughs, he does too... Then stops. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 28.

JAY (CONT’D) You know, you’re wearing the outfit which is really sexy but we’re under the covers... ANNIE We don’t really need to be under the covers. JAY That’s what I’m thinking. I mean, the kids are at your mother’s house... He rips off the covers-- ANNIE Better? JAY Yes. Definitely better. He goes back to kissing her neck, then hesitates. ANNIE What is it? JAY It’s just as soon as I said “your mother’s house”, an image of your mother... ANNIE Jay! What is going on?! JAY I don’t know! I’m too in my head or something. I think it’s just that I’ve been thinking-- dreaming -- of a moment when we could do nothing but have sex, and now it’s happening, I don’t know what to do or something. ANNIE It’s not like we never have sex. JAY You know what I mean... I mean actually stop everything and do it. You know, not just a quickie when you’re half-conscious and unable to resist... abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 29.

ANNIE I don’t want to resist! You think I don’t want to have sex? JAY No! That’s not what I mean... I know you want to, it’s just... I’m not sure you want to... that much. ANNIE I always think you don’t want to. JAY What?! ANNIE Just a lot of the times when we might do it, you seem kind of tired... I don’t know. Are you not turned on by me anymore? JAY Are you kidding me?! Look at you! You’re a fucking sex pot! ANNIE (touched) You think I’m a sex pot? JAY You know I do. Instant boner. I’ve always said that about you. I say “my wife, instant boner giver”. She laughs. Then he does too. ANNIE Tell me more about this “boner”. JAY Good guy. Proud. Strong. But sensitive... Great sense of humor. She smiles, then whispers, very sexy-- ANNIE Let’s go fuck on the kitchen floor. JAY And there he is. She hops off the bed, heads for the door, swinging her hips a bit... He stares, transfixed. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 30.

ANNIE You coming? He BOLTS after her. INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER As promised, they are having very married missionary sex on the kitchen floor. Rather than being super hot, it’s kind of uncomfortable and cold. ANNIE I’m so glad I mopped yesterday. JAY (mid-sex) Totally. Can we...? ANNIE Yeah. Sorry. After a moment-- ANNIE (CONT’D) Should we go somewhere else? JAY (stops instantly) Yeah, my knees are killing me. ANNIE Living room? JAY Oh yeah... (trying a little too hard) Sex in the living room! Awesome. INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER They sit side by side on the living room floor. JAY Just give it a minute... ANNIE Should I do something sexy? Would that help? You want me to... you know... JAY (whiny) I don’t know... abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 31.

ANNIE Jay. We are going to do this. JAY Yes. Yes, we are. But the energy has gone totally south. JAY (CONT’D) Shit. ANNIE (bummed) It’s ok... JAY No. No, it’s not. I cannot accept that we have just forgotten how to have sex. We were great at this! ANNIE We were. JAY I was like Shaquille O’Neal in the sack. I mean, not in the literal sense, probably... But I had that kind of game. I was amazing! (off her look) What? ANNIE Shaquille O’Neal is a weird comparison. JAY I’m just saying I was a very dominant player. ANNIE I’d say you were Derek Fisher. JAY Derek Fisher?! ANNIE What?! Great player! All-around game! High IQ! A bunch of championships! Nobody works harder than Derek Fisher. JAY Really...? I always thought you thought I was Shaquille... abe_recio@(MORE) spe.sony.com 32. JAY (CONT'D) Either way. Even Derek Fisher! Point is, I was world class! What the fuck is happening? ANNIE I don’t know. We’re older? We’re parents...? JAY I know but we’re still... people. With sex drives. And organs. I still think about sex all the time. ANNIE You do? JAY Sure! Yes! ANNIE Do you still like to look at porn? JAY Um... Sure. Little porn can be nice sometimes. ANNIE Never got that. What is it with men and porn? JAY Uh... well, I think it’s just the naked women having sex. It’s just something that interests a lot of guys. ANNIE Right. I guess that makes sense. When you put it that way. What about the porn dudes though? They don’t... get in the way for you? JAY Naw. Pretty much just look right past them. I mean, occasionally you see, like... a dick that just seems fucking insane but generally speaking, the guy is just completely invisible. We used to watch porn together sometimes... ANNIE Do you want to watch some porn? abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 33.

JAY (thinks about it) Naw. Seems depressing. ANNIE Yeah. JAY Hey, do we still have any of that tequila? ANNIE Ooh. That’s a good idea. It’s on the shelf in the thing. He stands-- JAY I will be right back with two shots of tequila and we will pull out of this sad little moment and get back to... ANNIE Fucking like wild hampsters? JAY Correct. INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER Jay gathers a bottle of tequila and two glasses, singing to himself, “Memories” from Cats-- JAY “Memoriesssss/ All alone in the moonlight/ I remember the old days/ I was beautiful theeeeeen!” INT. LIVING ROOM Jay re-enters, still singing-- JAY “I remeeeem-ber...” He spots Annie holding his new iPad-- JAY (CONT’D) Just got that today. I’m pretty excited because this one actually has a much higher resolution display. Lot more pixels. (MORE) abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 34. JAY (CONT’D) HD camera. And it can hold my entire... ANNIE I have an idea. She smiles, a little excited... JAY What? ANNIE Let’s make a porn. JAY Excuse me? ANNIE For us. Let’s video ourselves having sex. JAY Wow... we could... you mean?... Totally. Let’s do it. ANNIE Really? JAY Yeah, I mean... right? ANNIE It seems kinda hot. JAY I think it’s a great idea. ANNIE Alright. JAY Drink to that! He pours two shots-- JAY (CONT’D) Annie and Jay send the kids to grandma’s house. Stay home. Make a little porn. They toast-- JAY (CONT’D) Mazel tov. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 35.

ANNIE To porn. JAY Chug it. It’s cheap. They both bottom up. JAY (CONT’D) Uh oh. ANNIE What? JAY What if I get performance anxiety? I mean that’s a lot of pressure, knowing that... ANNIE Jay! Shut up! JAY I know. Sorry... ANNIE We don’t even have to watch it. JAY Oh, we’re watching it. All the time. He refills them. As he does, something catches her eye-- ANNIE I have another idea. JAY What is it? Your ideas tonight have been amazing. You’re on a streak. She heads over to a bookshelf, and off the top shelf, she pulls JOY OF SEX, the classic ‘70s sex manual- JAY (CONT’D) We still have that? ANNIE Every position. Right now. JAY I like it! We’ll do ‘em all! abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 36.

ANNIE Won’t skip anything. JAY Even...? ANNIE Yeah, even that. JAY Awesome! ANNIE (quid-pro-quo) But also-- JAY Totally! ANNIE Really? Yay! And we video the whole thing. JAY You’re a genius. I married a genius. ANNIE Gimme another shot. I need to be a little drunker. JAY Me too. But just a little. It’s a fine line. They toast again, then down their second shots. He moves to the iPad and finds the camera, props it up against some books on a table, sets the frame. Then he pushes the coffee table out of the way, talking to the iPad camera as he does-- JAY (CONT’D) Hello and welcome to “A Night with Annie and Jay”, in which we will demonstrate every sexual position in the Joy of Sex. ANNIE Who are you talking to? abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 37.

JAY Our students. (indicates the rug he has just clearted) This will be our dojo. ANNIE Our dojo? JAY Sex dojo, yeah. Now, Annie-- The Book. She hands him the book, he finds the first illustration-- which, like all the illustrations in the original volume, are of some ridiculously hairy hippy-types-- here, demonstrating missionary position-- JAY (CONT’D) “Matrimonial”. They take in the picture for a moment, then laugh-- ANNIE Look at that bush. JAY Look at his bush! ANNIE I was talking about him. JAY Were people part ape in the ‘70s? They crack up-- ANNIE Let’s start with something other than missionary, right...? JAY Totally. We’ll come back to missionary. Close your eyes... (they both close their eyes, he flips through the pages) Say stop... ANNIE Stop! They both open their eyes and look at the page they have landed on-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 38.

JAY “Flanquette”. An illustration of the two hippies entangled-- ANNIE That’s what I’m talking about! JAY Let’s do this! They lie down on the floor and kiss, and as they do, they MORPH INTO ANIMATED VERSIONS OF THEMSELVES, as if they were the drawn characters in the book, each with huge pubic hair and underarm hair... Jay with a massive Burt Reynolds mustache and chest hair. And they start moving through the positions, as they are listed-- ANNIE/JAY “Upper hands” / “Frontal G-spot”/ “X-Position” / “Inversion” / “Standing Positions”/ “Croupade”... The positions themselves are fairly familiar, though some are a bit more rigorous than the average person might be able to execute. But our drawn characters do it all, with comic vigor... ANIMATED JAY (breathless with a stupid French accent) Oh god, I forgot how much I love the croupade... -- which we see is doggy style. ANIMATED JAY (CONT’D) I mean, I didn’t forget. ANIMATED ANNIE (really into it) Shut the fuck up! ANIMATED JAY Totally! ANIMATED ANNIE This is the best fucking book! LATER-- Back to real life. They lie arm in arm, nearly passed out on the floor, completely exhausted and falling asleep. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 39.

ANNIE Everything hurts. In the best way. JAY You’re so amazing at that. ANNIE (touched) Really...? Still? JAY Are you kidding? ANNIE You were like a machine. Like... a battering ram. JAY Thank you. They both feel pretty good about themselves and start to doze off, then half-asleep-- ANNIE Jay... erase that video. JAY I will. ANNIE I don’t want the kids to find it or... JAY I’ll erase it. ANNIE I love fucking you. JAY I fucking love you. And they are asleep. On the iPad, we see the message... “Syncing library” EXT. JAY AND ANNIE’S HOUSE / BACKYARD - DAY UNDER A GREAT SONG-- A kids’ party is in progress. A bunch of boys-- Clive’s friends-- run around on the lawn, in the middle of a huge super-soaker “war”. Jay chases Clive and his friends with a massive water gun, clearly having a great time-- he looks 10 years younger. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 40.

He shoots a big “we had sex” smile to Annie, who’s hanging near the house with a dozen or so parents. She grins back. On the side of the house hangs a hand-made banner-- “So Long 4th grade, Hello 5th grade!”. Clive douses Jay, who in turn tackles Clive to the ground, both of them cracking up. MOMENTS LATER-- Annie is talking to their close friends ROBBY and TESS (cool) and their less close friends, PUNIT and KIA (exhausted parents of twin babies) each of whom wear a baby in a carrier and bounce constantly. KIA As long as we get them down for their second nap by 2-ish, then the nighttime is a little better. PUNIT A little. KIA Why do you say it like that? It is a little better. TESS It sounds... really intense. PUNIT You have no idea. Kia shoots him a deadly look that the others all notice. ANNIE (changing the subject) Can you believe the boys are already graduating from 4th grade?! ROBBY Since when do you “graduate” from the 4th grade? When I was a kid, school just ended. You didn’t have a whole ceremony. ANNIE (playful) Yeah, how come we have to “celebrate” all these “milestones” for our “kids”? abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 41.

TESS (re: Robby) You see what I deal with? KIA (to Annie) I love your blog, by the way. Read it all the time. ANNIE Oh! Thank you. KIA I love how you just put it all out there. So fearless. Jay approaches, soaking wet and in a great mood. He comes up behind Annie, smacks her on the ass-- JAY Good people. ANNIE (re: how wet he is) Whoa... KIA Jay, how’s the gas, by the way? JAY Sorry? KIA Your gas? It was keeping Annie up at night. JAY (realizes) The blog. ROBBY How is the gas, Jay? JAY (to Annie) If you sell the blog to Fisher Price, can we put a “no gas policy” in effect? TESS You’re married to a celebrity, Jay. Deal with it. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 42.

JAY I’ll deal with it... He kisses Annie and it develops into a slightly bigger kiss, still feeling it. He tries to pull her close and she SHRIEKS, pushes him away playfully. Robby and Tess exchange a look-- what’s with these two? JAY (CONT’D) I’m gonna put some dry clothes on. ROBBY Yeah, I wanted to ask you about... the, uh... financial... Jay realizes he’s looking for an escape hatch. JAY Right. The, uh... thing. I was meaning to... Come on. ROBBY Great. They step away; as soon as they’re out of earshot-- ROBBY (CONT’D) I swear to god, if I have to listen to another fucking conversation about nap schedules, I’m just gonna go ahead and cut my own balls off. JAY Word. ROBBY We’re not as boring as they are, right? JAY No, I don’t think so. ROBBY Would we know if we were? As they are about to step into the kitchen, out steps Robby’s son HOWARD (11 but looks 13, and as promised... odd)-- ROBBY (CONT’D) Hey, pal. HOWARD Gentlemen. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 43.

JAY Hey, Howie. HOWARD Howard. Just... Howard. JAY Sorry. HOWARD Lovely party, Jay. Really. Lovely. JAY Um... thank you. Hey, I just gave up my super-soaker. Get in there, bud. HOWARD Hm. Maybe I will. I do enjoy super- soakers. Howard moves on. Jay watches him go, a little perplexed. Looks to Robby, who’s smiling after Howard proudly-- JAY That guy... ROBBY I know. He’s the best. INT./EXT. JAY AND ANNIE’S HOUSE / KITCHEN/BACKYARD - DUSK Everyone is gone. Jay is cleaning up the backyard, talks to Annie, who’s doing dishes in the kitchen-- ANNIE I think everyone had fun, right? JAY Totally. It was great. ANNIE Punit and Kia... JAY Whoa. ANNIE Kind of hate each other, right? JAY Seems like it, yeah. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 44.

CHIME. Jay pulls his phone from his pocket, sees he’s gotten a text message. He opens it-- --”Enjoyed your video. Thanks for sharing. Xoxo”. He looks at it confused. Doesn’t recognize the phone number. JAY (CONT’D) “Enjoyed your video...” Huh... Out of context, he’s just not connecting... He responds-- --”Think maybe you have the wrong number?” SENDS. After a beat... CHIME. “Nope. I don’t.” He’s now finding this a little odd, thinks about it some more... then-- GASP. Types a little more urgently-- “Who is this? What video?” SEND. He looks around... a little nervous... Long beat... ANNIE (O.S.) Hey, do you see the pizza cutter out there, anywhere?! JAY Uh... CHIME. “Your sex tape dummy.” JAY (CONT’D) (to himself) Fuck. Me. Annie sticks her head out the door-- ANNIE Jay? What’s up, babe? He stares at her a beat, tries to smile... JAY Um... I just, uh... QUICK FLASHES-- INSERTS-- Jay’s elaborate iPad organization. New iPads being plugged into the computer, pointer clicking the “Sync Library” buttons, “Save to iCloud?”, “Devices Syncing”, more plugging and unplugging... THEN old iPads, changing hands-- some several times. BACK TO PRESENT-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 45.

Jay catches his breath-- JAY (CONT’D) One sec. He RUNS past her, INSIDE-- INT. JAY AND ANNIE’S HOUSE / LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Jay grabs his iPad, starts poking around frantically-- --and under “Videos”, there it is. He looks around to make sure he’s alone, PRESSES play. On the iPad-- Jay steps into frame, in his briefs-- JAY (ON THE IPAD) Hello and welcome to “A Night with... He quickly STOPS it, turns to the computer, starts CLICKING AROUND... And very quickly... Yep. It’s on there too. He falls into his chair. ANNIE (O.S.) What. The Hell. Jay nearly JUMPS out of his seat, STARTLED. JAY Jesus Christ! Are you trying to kill me?! Annie is trying to keep composed-- ANNIE Jay. What’s going on? He looks at her for a long beat, trying to find the words. Finally, the best he can do is-- JAY You know... the cloud? INT. JAY AND ANNIE’S BEDROOM - EVENING They’ve gone to the bedroom for some privacy. Annie paces, freaked, whisper-yelling, so the kids won’t hear-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 46.

ANNIE Are you telling me that, instead of deleting that video like I asked you to, you accidentally sent it to everybody you’ve ever given one of those iPads to?! JAY That is not at all what happened... ANNIE No?! JAY Well... I mean, technically, that’s exactly what happened, but it was so fucking accidental that it doesn’t even qualify as... It’s the technology... It’s gotten so amazing that... ANNIE That at least a half-dozen people we know have a video of you and I fucking the living shit out of each other, in the privacy of our own home? JAY Again, I feel like you’re putting it in a way that’s really negative... Suddenly, Annie turns white, GASPS-- QUICK CUTS-- the end of her meeting at Fisher Price, as she HANDS HANK ROSENBAUM AN IPAD. ANNIE Hank Rosenbaum. JAY What? ANNIE The Fisher-Price guy! JAY (freaked) What?! You gave him a... abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 47.

ANNIE Yes! I told you I needed one for work! I put the whole blog on there... My whole presentation. JAY You did?! ANNIE Yes! Oh my god... Jay! JAY Okay, okay... He probably hasn’t even looked at it. Probably none of these people have even noticed this... (realizes) Except the text... ANNIE What text? This is the first she’s heard this part. Jay realizes that this is about to go from bad to worse. Decides to lie. Badly. JAY I got a text, which is what reminded me... ANNIE Jay. Who did you get a text from? JAY (deep breath) I’m not sure. ANNIE Give me your phone. He thinks a beat, considers the options... ANNIE (CONT’D) Give it to me! He hands it over, she looks at his text message... Looks back at him. ANNIE (CONT’D) I’m not sure how to hurt you, right now. JAY I know. Look... let’s just take a deep breath, ok? abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 48.

ANNIE Ok. JAY Sit down. She sits next to him. JAY (CONT’D) Now, what’s really happened here? Right? We made a video. Of ourselves. Having sex. ANNIE In every imaginable position. JAY Yes. That’s right. For about three hours. And you asked me to erase it. I made the questionable-- but understandable, I think-- decision to keep it in a safe place, for myself. Because it was one of the greatest nights of my life and I wanted to remember it... She’s very briefly slightly touched-- JAY (CONT’D) Then, because of a... fluke, and because I have very complicated music library organizing needs, it turned out that the safe place, was not so safe and it accidentally synced to several devices, all of which, basically-- I think-- now belong to friends or acquaintances... or the mailman... She PUMMELS him, he COWERS. JAY (CONT’D) Ok, ok, ok... Not better! Sorry! ANNIE Who the hell is this person texting you?! JAY I don’t know! But... it seems like a friend. They wrote “xoxo” at the end! Someone’s... I don’t know... messing with me. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 49.

She’s about to explode again, but instead GRABS a phone, dials quickly, panicking-- ANNIE (TO PHONE) Mom? Hi. Any way you could watch the kids for a few hours? Right now?! Jay is mouthing something to her. She covers the phone-- ANNIE (CONT’D) What? JAY (whispering) Maybe... tell her to bring her iPad...? Annie HITS him with the phone. INT. CLIVE’S BEDROOM - AFTERNOON Annie and Jay bust into Clive’s room where he’s playing a game on his iPad. ANNIE Can I see that for a second? CLIVE Why? ANNIE Just for a sec...? Clive hands it over. Annie opens the second story window and THROWS it out.

JAY CLIVE What the hell?! I was using that! ANNIE (CONT’D) I’m sorry I’m not taking any chances. INT. JAY AND ANNIE’S HOUSE / FOYER - NIGHT Linda walks in, carrying her iPad. LINDA Grandma’s here. For some mysterious reason. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 50.

Annie and Jay rush in to meet her, Jay GRABS the iPad, very clumsy-- JAY Oh, look, the iPad I gave you. Can I see this for a second...? He opens it and starts poking buttons. Linda looks at him oddly. The kids enter-- CLIVE Why is grandma here?! NELL Yay, Grandma! ANNIE Your dad and I are gonna go out for a little while and Grandma’s gonna stay with you and maybe, I don’t know, you can order some Chinese food. CLIVE I hate Chinese food! ANNIE Then order something else! CLIVE I want my iPad back! INSERT-- Jay finds and erases the video. JAY Yep. Everything’s working fine. Just wanted to make sure it was working. Enjoy, Linda. (to Annie, “casual”) Shall we? EXT. JAY AND ANNIE’S HOUSE / BACKYARD - NIGHT In the grass, Jay finds Clive’s iPad that Annie chucked out the window-- it’s dirty but not really broken. JAY The construction on these things is just unbelievable. ANNIE (O.S.) Hurry up! abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 51.

EXT./INT. TAHOE (MOVING) - NIGHT Jay drives-- FAST -- Annie rides shotgun. Long silent beat. ANNIE Ok. Who else did you give an iPad to? JAY Robby. The mailman... She SMACKS him again-- JAY (CONT’D) Ouch! ANNIE Every time you say “the mailman”, I’m going to hit you. JAY It was Christmas! I wasn’t thinking this was gonna... ANNIE Why don’t you erase them first?! JAY Because I have amazing playlists and people want them! That’s part of the gift! ANNIE I can’t believe Hank Rosenbaum has that video! JAY Ok, we just have to get it back from him... ANNIE How the hell are we gonna do that?! Eeuch... (spinning) He was already giving me this creepy vibe. JAY What kind of creepy vibe? ANNIE Like... a little pervy. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 52.

JAY Ok. Good to know. So not the guy you want to have your sex tape... in a way. But then, in a way, maybe that works to our advantage here... ANNIE What are you talking about?! There is no part of this that works to our advantage! Why can’t you just admit that you fucked up and stop trying to convince me that it’s not a big deal! It is a big deal! Suddenly, he PULLS OVER and PARKS, JUMPS out of the car-- JAY Hold that thought. I’ll be right back. ANNIE Where are you going? JAY I’m repo-ing an iPad. ANNIE From who? JAY One of my... someone I work with... a colleague. One of my colleagues. ANNIE One of your “colleagues”? He’s already gone. EXT. ROSIE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT Jay races up the outdoor staircase of a big stucco apartment building, taking a couple stairs at a time-- JAY (to himself) 310, 310, 310... He reaches the landing and takes off RUNNING-- 307, 308, 309-- he STOPS at 310 and POUNDS on the door. After a beat, Rosie OPENS it. She’s dressed to go out and looks spectacular-- ROSIE Jay...? abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 53.

JAY Did you text me?! Was that you? ROSIE No. He gives her the “are you telling the truth” stare-- JAY You sure? ROSIE I didn’t text you. JAY Great. That’s great. Hey. So. That iPad. I’m gonna need it back. Right now. The iPad. EXT. ROSIE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER Annie fidgets in the car, freaking out. She sees-- Jay and Rosie come down the stairs. They give each other a polite parting hug, then Rosie heads for her car and Jay RUNS back to his, brandishing the iPad. JAY That wasn’t so hard was it? You ask for an iPad back, people give it to you. ANNIE Is that your “colleague”? JAY Yes. Rosie is her name. ANNIE She’s pretty hot. JAY Hm...? Is she? ANNIE Oh, come on, Jay... JAY Yes. She’s pretty. She’s dating my engineer. What do you want...? ANNIE That’s your first stop, huh? abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 54.

JAY (flustered) I can’t have... You know. I don’t want... For you... ANNIE For me? JAY What are you getting at? She shakes it off. Just then, his phone CHIMES-- another text message. They both JUMP, on edge. He reads the text-- JAY (CONT’D) “Guess who?” Smiley face. (beat) Who the fuck is this?! ANNIE Okay, it must be Tess, right?! With the “xoxo” thing and the smiley face? She’s our friend... She loves us. It must be her, joking around. I’m sure she saw what it was-- and turned it off immediately because she respects our privacy-- and she’s just having a little fun with you... JAY But... don’t you think she would have texted you? ANNIE I’m sure she just doesn’t want me to know that she saw it. Or could have seen it, if she didn’t have so much respect for our privacy. She’s protecting me. And she knows I’d kill you. So she’s protecting you too. Jay thinks about this... maybe...? JAY Hm... Ok. So... you think Robby saw it, then? ANNIE God no! She wouldn’t show it to Robby! That would be... so horrible. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 55.

JAY It would? ANNIE Yes! I mean, imagine if Tess saw it! How would you feel...? He considers for a moment, then smiles slightly... ANNIE (CONT’D) Ew. Ok, stop imagining and drive the fucking car. EXT. ROBBY AND TESS’S HOUSE - NIGHT DOORBELL. Annie and Jay wait on the stoop, in front of a modest suburban home, Annie stops-- ANNIE What if it wasn’t Tess? JAY What do you mean? ANNIE We have to feel it out. If it doesn’t feel like they’ve seen it, we can’t tell them about it. Way too embarrassing. JAY Obviously. Leave it to me, ok? I’ve got this. Robby OPENS the door, in sweats and a little disheveled, surprised to see them-- ROBBY Hey, guys. What’s going on? Jay and Annie look at him awkwardly-- JAY (stilted) Not much. What’s going on with you. ROBBY Just hanging out. Marta took Howard to a movie, so we’re just watching some tv... It’s our 12 year anniversary actually, so... Tess enters from within, also a little disheveled. Sex has happened here recently. Very friendly-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 56.

TESS Hey! What are you guys doing here? JAY Uh... sorry to interrupt... your anniversary and everything. ANNIE Why didn’t you tell us it was your anniversary? ROBBY (shrugs) It’s our twelve year anniversary. TESS Yeah. Who cares? No offense, Sweety. He puts an arm around her. TESS (CONT’D) You guys want to come in? Jay and Annie STARE her down for a beat, trying to figure out if she is the texter. She feels it, weirded-out-- TESS (CONT’D) Or not...? JAY We don’t want to barge in. We actually just... you remember that iPad I gave you? ROBBY Yeah? JAY We, um... kind of need it back. ROBBY Okaaay... TESS You came here to get your iPad back? JAY Yep. A long beat. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 57.

ROBBY Why? JAY Uh. Because... I need it...? There’s something on it I need. ROBBY What, dirty pictures? You guys make a sex tape or something? JAY (way too quickly) How did you know that? Did you see it?! Annie hangs her head. After a long beat-- ROBBY I was kidding. ANNIE (to Jay) “I’ve got this.” TESS (laughs) Good for you! INT. ROBBY AND TESS’S HOUSE / LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Robby brings them both a glass of wine, as Annie finishes the story-- ANNIE And then Jay gets this text, “Saw your video. Thanks for sharing. Xoxo”. TESS And you thought it was from me?! ANNIE I don’t know! I hoped so, yes! Because if it’s not you... TESS -- then who is it? Right. I get that. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 58.

ROBBY Can we back up a second? You taped yourselves having sex for three hours? Who has sex for three hours?! JAY We did! We taped it! ANNIE Shut up. ROBBY Every position in the... Wow. TESS Well, I’m sorry to say it, but I didn’t send that text. ANNIE This isn’t happening... Jay puts an arm around her. ROBBY Who else has these things? JAY The mailman... Annie SMACKS him, he barely acknowledges it. ANNIE Hank Rosenbaum. ROBBY Who’s Hank Rosenbaum? TESS Fisher Price guy?! ANNIE Yes! ROBBY The guy who wants to buy your blog...? ANNIE And who’s very concerned about my image. Yes. ROBBY Shit. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 59.

JAY I’m a fucking idiot.

TESS ROBBY No, you’re not... It could happen to anyone. ANNIE No. He is. Let him have that. Tess GASPS, excited-- TESS Wait! My sister is his florist! JAY You mean... does she know where he lives? TESS She’s been there! ANNIE We’re just going to show up at his house?! TESS We’ll come with you. JAY What?! ROBBY Totally. We have a sitter. Sounds like a fun night. TESS Let me call Rochelle! INT. ROBBY AND TESS’S HOUSE / ENTRY - MOMENTS LATER Robby and Tess have dressed a bit, as they all file out. To Annie-- TESS For what it’s worth, my sister also thought the every position thing was a great idea. ANNIE You told your sister?! They step outside. Jay stops Robby-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 60.

JAY The iPad. ROBBY Yeah? JAY Can I have it? Robby thinks about this a minute-- ROBBY I’ll just erase the-- JAY Dude. Robby glances at Annie, talking to Tess. He clearly doesn’t want to give it back. ROBBY But... all that great music... JAY Dude. ROBBY Fine, fine. He reaches behind him and hands over the iPad, which was tucked into the back of his pants. JAY Weird. ROBBY Oh come on! Like you wouldn’t do the same thing! He steps past Jay, who quickly erases the video. INT. CHEVY TAHOE - NIGHT The car is parked in front of a huge Pacific Palisades mansion. Annie and Jay in front, Tess and Robby in the back. TESS This is so exciting. It’s like an adventure. ROBBY Fisher-Price guy is loaded. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 61.

ANNIE Yeah. I mean... he runs Fisher Price. ROBBY Right, right. JAY This is a super weird way for you to spend your anniversary. TESS So what’re we going to do? ROBBY Yeah, what’s the plan, gang? Want us to pretend we have a flat? TESS And then you can be just walking by, and be like, “Oh, Hank. What a surprise...” ANNIE I think you guys should wait here. This is our mess... TESS C’mon, let us go! We’re great at this kind of thing. ANNIE You are? Why? TESS (shrugs) We love role playing. JAY Guys, guys... We’re just going to be in and out. Not a big deal. There will be a weird moment at first, and then it will be fine. EXT. MANSION - NIGHT Jay and Annie walk up to the front door. JAY Maybe we should call first. ANNIE And say what? “Hi, Hank. It’s me, Annie. Remember? abe_recio@(MORE) spe.sony.com 62. ANNIE (CONT'D) You said I had ‘brand potential’? Anyway, can I have that iPad back??” (doing Hank’s voice) “Sure, Annie. But why?” (doing Annie) “Because I didn’t realize it, but it has a three hour sex tape of my husband entering me from every conceivable direction.” (doing Hank) “Oh. Ok. Then come on over and get it. And don’t worry, this will have no impact whatsoever on the sale of your mommy blog to the largest toy company in the world. This is what I meant by ‘Fisher Price values’.” (doing Annie) “Great. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.” (as Hank) “Perfect. That’ll give me just enough time to watch it, masturbate, and clean up.” JAY OK, I get it. ANNIE (doing Annie) “Thanks Hank, for being so understanding.” (doing Hank) “That’s how I got to be CEO of a Fortune 500 company. By being understanding.” JAY You can stop now. ANNIE Why didn’t you fucking delete the thing, like I told you to?! JAY Ok, you have officially made that point. And I hear you. What are we going to do? ANNIE I have no idea. I guess I’ll distract him, then you say you have to go to the bathroom and search the house. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 63.

JAY The house is huge! ANNIE Tell him you have diarrhea. JAY What?! No! That’s embarrassing! Also, who tells someone they have diarrhea?! ANNIE Food poisoning. JAY No! I’ll distract him and you have food poisoning! ANNIE I’m not having food poisoning! This is your fault! Annie RINGS the doorbell. JAY Well, then let’s just... skip the whole food poisoning thing. ANNIE Fine. Hank OPENS the door. Surprisingly, there’s some fairly loud HEAVY METAL playing inside. And he seems... a little intoxicated. On what, it’s hard to say. But he grins when he sees her. HANK Annie. This is a surprise. ANNIE (feigning surprise) Oh! Hank! You live here? Hi! This is my husband, Jay. Jay, this is Hank. Remember? I told you about Hank? JAY Hi. HANK (strange attitude) The famous Jay. Nice to meet you. In person. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 64.

ANNIE Wow! What a coincidence! Um... we were just collecting money. JAY Yeah. For this charity. HANK Great. What’s the charity? JAY It’s for children... ANNIE With... oversized... JAY Kidneys. ANNIE Yeah. JAY They just have these... enormous kidneys. So sad. ANNIE So we’re collecting money. For them. HANK I see. How great. ANNIE Yeah. It’s pretty great. Um... you want to contribute? A weird smile crosses Hank’s face-- HANK Sure. Come on in. Let me grab my checkbook. As they enter-- ANNIE Do you think Jay could use your bathroom? He has diarrhea. Food poisoning. He’s got the shits, as they say. Jay shoots a look at Annie. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 65.

HANK Sure. Bathroom’s down the hall to the right. Go crazy. JAY Thanks. HANK Annie, come on in. Make yourself comfortable. INT. HANK’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Over-interior-decorated living room. Megadeth BLARES. HANK Let me turn this down... He turns it down a bit, but not much. HANK (CONT’D) Family’s away for weekend. Just spreading my wings, a little bit. Can I get you a drink? ANNIE Um... sure. Thanks. Hank pours her a glass of scotch from a glass decanter, and refills his own. HANK Drinking Scotch tonight. Johnny Blue. The good stuff. He hands it to her, raises his glass to toast-- HANK (CONT’D) To our bright future together. And whatever it might hold. ANNIE (laughs nervously) Um... right. To the future. He looks her straight in the eyes, the way people do... She gets uncomfortable. They both sip and Annie winces, stronger stuff than she’s used to. ANNIE (CONT’D) (pointing across the room) That’s a beautiful painting. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 66.

Hank turns to the painting. Immediately Annie begins casing the room for the iPad-- HANK Thanks. I commissioned that. It’s depicting a moment from the Lion King, except with me in place of Rafiki. So that’s me, presenting Simba to all the creatures of the Pride Lands, to behold. Indeed, a baboon Hank is holding Simba high in the air. ANNIE It’s beautiful. The song ends and moves to the next incredibly heavy track, Hank notices-- HANK Let me put on something a little more festive. He reaches for a remote and switches the album-- to super dirty hard-core gangsta rap. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jay walks down the hallway, a nervous wreck, hears the song change-- JAY Surprising musical taste... The house is gigantic. So many rooms. He opens a door. It’s a media room. JAY (CONT’D) Bingo. INT. MEDIA ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jay looks around, then starts going through the drawers. An ARGENTINIAN MASTIFF walks in, GROWLS. JAY Hey there... pal. Suddenly, the Mastiff LUNGES at Jay. JAY (CONT’D) Nononono, I am a friend! I’m a friend of your dad! abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 67.

Jay RUNS and the dog TAKES OFF after him. INT. HANK’S LIVING ROOM - SAME Annie and Hank drink scotch. Annie glances around the room. HANK Are you okay? You seem a little... I don’t know, nervous. ANNIE No no. I just feel a little awkward coming here, you know, asking you for a donation. HANK I’m glad you’re here. With the family away, I could use some company. Hank fiddles with his iPhone. His fireplace ignites. ANNIE Wow. HANK (proud) I know. INT. ENDLESS HALLWAY - SAME Jay RUNS down a hall, the dog BARKING, hot on his heels. He turns into-- INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS --an ornate Mahogany library. As he tries to shut the door, the dog BARRELS through, leaping on top of him. Jay, in a panic, goes on his back, and flips the dog over by its paws. He quickly spots a nearby rolling library ladder. He JUMPS up onto it and CLIMBS, stares down at the dog. JAY (victorious) Ha! Suddenly, the dog JUMPS UP and GRABS Jay’s ankle. Jay comes FLYING down to the ground-- THUD. JAY (CONT’D) Aaahh! He FLAILS wildly, as the dog BITES at his ankle, clearly a trained guard dog. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 68.

JAY (CONT’D) Help! Hank! Hank! INT. HANK’S LIVING ROOM - SAME But they can’t hear him over the thundering NWA. HANK I was hoping we’d get the chance to get to know each other. You know... out of the office. ANNIE Yeah... me too. I mean, what a great coincidence this is. INT. LIBRARY - SAME Jay gets hold of a massive book and THROWS it at the dog, who is momentarily rattled. Jay manages to pull himself to his feet, and LIMP-RUNS for the door, PULLING it closed behind him-- INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS He has arrived in another long hall with several doors on either side. JAY Jesus Christ. How big is this fucking house? Jay runs down the hall, throwing doors open-- a guest room, a gift wrapping room, a gym, a billiard room... Then he HEARS something. He looks back to the closed library door, which seems to be making noises... Then he SEES-- the doorknob moving... JAY (CONT’D) You’ve gotta be kidding me... Nope. After a beat, the dog manages to OPEN the door. He spots Jay and immediately GIVES CHASE again-- JAY (CONT’D) Fuck! He DUCKS INTO-- INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS --an enormous chef’s kitchen, and RUNS for the refrigerator. He rifles through and pulls a pair of wrapped steaks. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 69.

He quickly tears open the package as the dog enters and CHARGES at him. Jay tosses a steak at the dog, who pauses to look at it... before RUNNING PAST-- JAY What is your deal?! --Jay CIRCLES the large island and BOLTS back into the hallway, and into-- INT. PERSONAL GYM - CONTINUOUS --a large gym. He turns the treadmill up to a very high speed and stands behind it, holding the steak. The dog RUNS at him, JUMPS on the treadmill and then is THROWN at high velocity into the opposing wall. JAY Yes! The dog is KNOCKED OUT. Jay is overcome by relief... then fear. Did he just kill this guy’s dog? He starts toward the dog, then stops himself-- JAY (CONT’D) No. Fuck him. Fuck. Him. Jay starts to leave... but he can’t. He returns and tentatively puts his fingers on the dog’s neck. No movement. JAY (CONT’D) Shit! INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Hank pours two more scotches for he and Annie, she glances down the hallway, looking for Jay. Hank is getting philosophical-- HANK It’s funny. With the family away, you find yourself thinking about things that you don’t think about all the time. ANNIE I’ll bet. I wouldn’t know. My family is never away. HANK You think about who you used to be and who you’ve become. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 70.

ANNIE Hm... HANK Would you like to do some cocaine? ANNIE I’m sorry? HANK Just doing a little blow while the family’s away. Can I offer you a bump? ANNIE Um... I’m not sure that’s the best idea... HANK (defensive) I see. ANNIE I mean... not that I have any problem with... Is this a test? Hank starts to laugh, a touch on the maniacal side. HANK I see what’s happening here. It’s all the talk about the “Fisher Price values”, isn’t it? We’re off the clock! This is not public Annie and Hank. This is private Annie and Hank. Just hanging around, getting to know each other and doing a few lines. What happens here is just between us. She’s so spooked, she doesn’t quite know what to do-- HANK (CONT’D) So whaddaya say? ANNIE Uh... okay. Sure. Let’s do some of your cocaine. She throws one more look to the door-- where the hell is Jay?! INT. GYM - CONTINUOUS Jay stoops over the motionless dog, trying to wake him up. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 71.

JAY Wake up! Wake up, you freak! He feels for the dogs breath-- still breathing-- then takes out his iPhone-- JAY (CONT’D) Siri, Siri, how do you CPR a dog? SIRI Let me check that for you. Jay waits as it’s checking. SUDDENLY, the dog COMES TO and BITES Jay in the face-- JAY Ah! Chin bleeding, Jay TAKES OFF, SLAMS the door behind him. INT. HANK’S LIVING ROOM - SAME Hank and Annie each do a line-- ANNIE Wow! That is... Wow! HANK See, that’s the thing! We get older and we forget who we are! We stop doing the things we love! ANNIE (feeling it) Totally. HANK For some people, that might be surfing or traveling. For me, it’s getting high and listening to goddamn Megadeth. ANNIE Yeah! It blows- my- mind that that’s what it is for you, but that’s your point! HANK That’s my point! ANNIE It’s small-minded of me to assume... anything! I don’t know you! abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 72.

HANK No! You don’t know me! You just know this idea of me! The stuffy boardroom guy who controls your future! But that’s not me! ANNIE No! HANK I mean, it is me, but it’s not all there is to me! You know?! ANNIE I do! Hank! I do! HANK I have other... parts of me. ANNIE Of course, you do! You have a whole bunch of parts! INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Jay, bleeding and limping, RUNS into the master bedroom which is also decorated with Disney Fine Art and SLAMS the door, immediately starts looking for the iPad. JAY Alright, Hank. Where’s my fucking iPad? He opens a nightstand drawer-- no iPad... but a massive dildo. JAY (CONT’D) Ok... You are officially someone who would like to watch my wife have sex for three hours. SUDDENLY, the dog RUSHES in from another entrance. Jay SCREAMS and RUNS out onto the balcony, SLAMS the door. EXT. BALCONY - NIGHT Jay screams at the dog-- JAY I saved your life! The dog starts to open the door using it’s paw. As Jay and the dog STRUGGLE with the handle... abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 73.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Now Annie can’t shut up, as Hank prepares another line-- ANNIE Sometimes, I swear to god, I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize myself. It’s like, “who are you? And why have you been wearing those same fucking ugly sweat pants for three days? Oh, I know why! Because you don’t have five minutes to yourself to get dressed!” HANK You want another line? ANNIE I’m still enjoying that first line quite a bit, thanks. HANK I had a feeling you could cut loose. ANNIE I used to be able to cut loose like nobody’s business! I was so loose, I didn’t even have to cut loose! (hears herself) That sounded bad, I wasn’t loose. HANK Of course not! You weren’t a slut! You mean, you were loose! You were free! ANNIE Exactly! HANK It’s easy to talk to you, Annie. You get me. ANNIE We get each other! He is clearly smitten, in a very cokey way. HANK I hope your husband’s okay. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 74.

ANNIE Yeah. Where is that fucker?! Hanks laughs, then she does too-- they dissolve into a druggy laughing fit. ANNIE (CONT’D) Crank the fucking Megadeth! The doorbell RINGS. HANK Lot of action tonight. INT. FOYER - MOMENTS LATER Hank opens the door to find Robby and Tess. Annie comes up behind-- HANK (cranked up) Hi there. What can I do for you? ANNIE (freaked) Yeah. What is happening? ROBBY Hi. I’m the Mayor. Robby Thompson. Pleasure to meet you. HANK You’re the mayor? ROBBY Yep. HANK But, I thought... ROBBY I’m the Mayor of Thousand Oaks. TESS (Marilyn Monroe) And I’m his first lady. Of Thousand Oaks. THRU A GIANT PICTURE WINDOW behind Hank, everyone (except Hank) sees JAY FALL from the balcony into a large hedge. A moment later, THE DOG FOLLOWS. Robby pushes on-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 75.

ROBBY We’re out tonight trying to raise money. For the Big Brother Program. Of Thousand Oaks. HANK What is this new trend of late night charity solicitation? TESS We accept money, but what we need more are used iPads. ANNIE No. No, First Lady. That’s a stupid, stupid idea. HANK No problem! I have one right here. Hank reaches over and opens a drawer in a little table right next to the front door, pulls out the familiar iPad. HANK (CONT’D) Annie, you gave this to me actually. I haven’t had a chance to look at it yet, but I’m sure you won’t mind if I contribute it to someone less fortunate. ANNIE Not at all. Tess takes it. ROBBY Well, this worked out great. Thank you. Bye. Robby and Tess start to leave, as Jay comes RUNNING past from around the house-- bleeding from the face, shirt shredded, limping and, for some reason, soaking wet. Robby flashes him the iPad-- ROBBY (CONT’D) I’m the Mayor. Nice to meet you. After a beat, the dog JUMPS a fence and RUNS after him. Jay flinches-- HANK (to the dog) Ariel! Hakuna Matata! abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 76.

Ariel immediately calms down. ANNIE What the hell happened, Jay? JAY I had an epileptic fit in the bathroom and fell into the shower and your dog rescued me. ANNIE (grinding her teeth) We should leave. It’s time for us to get out of here. We should get out of here. Jay looks at her curiously. ANNIE (CONT’D) (defensive) I did a little coke, what?! JAY What!? HANK Just a line, Jay. Relax. ANNIE Hank. Thank you so much. For your hospitality. This has been great. She hugs him, a lot more meaningfully than one might expect. Then she KISSES him on the cheek. Hank GROANS, in an uncomfortable way-- HANK Hmmm... You’re an amazing woman, Annie. Jay is completely freaked by the whole thing-- JAY Okey dokey! Thank you! For contributing to... our charity. Now we’ve got to go deal with all those big kidneys. HANK I almost forgot! Let me get my check book! He goes back inside, leaving Jay and Annie, exchanging silent “What the fuck?” looks. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 77.

EXT. HANK’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Jay and Annie are on their way back to the car-- JAY “Just one line”?! Who are you? ANNIE Well, what was I supposed to do?! JAY Cocaine?! That’s the answer to that question? ANNIE He offered and I didn’t want to seem... I don’t know. Judgemental or anything. Peer pressure! I was trying to keep him distracted. JAY Well, it looks like he was pretty distracted. What else happened in there?! ANNIE Shut up! Why can’t you just shut up?! JAY How is it that I get mauled by his attack dog and barely escape with my life, while you’re doing blow in the living room and seducing your boss, and somehow you’re mad at me? What did I do? ANNIE What did you do?! What did you do?! Jay suddenly wishes he would have put that differently... ANNIE (CONT’D) You didn’t erase the fucking video, Jay! And that is just... so fucking typical! You do whatever the hell you want, all the time! And I do... everything! I hold everything together! And it’s turned me into... I don’t know. A different person! JAY Clearly, you should not do cocaine. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 78.

ANNIE Oh really? Maybe I should do more cocaine! I’ve never done it before and I like it! JAY No, I am certain that you shouldn’t do more cocaine. ANNIE This sex tape, this night... This is the kind of thing that happens that reveals a lot about a person. JAY (can’t resist) Reveals a whole lot about a person. ANNIE Shut up! I mean, this kind of thing, a crisis, reveals who somebody really is, deep down. And you can’t think about anyone other than... you! Just like always! You find out this tape is out there, that our friends have it, my potential boss has it... and the first place you go is to get it back from some random hot chick from work?! JAY Okay, that is... ANNIE True! It’s true! Jay does what Jay wants to do... You have to go to some concert “for work”? Okay, I’ll stay home with the kids... JAY It’s my job! We’re a team! Part of what I do, on the team, is work... That’s what makes me a good teammate, isn’t it? Partly...? ANNIE I don’t just want to be “teammates”! This silences him for a beat. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 79.

ANNIE (CONT’D) Why is it that we stopped having sex? JAY We didn’t... ANNIE You know what I mean! When did we stop needing to be close? He’s not sure whether to be hurt or defensive... JAY When did I become so “annoying”? ANNIE I don’t know! They take a breath and look at each other, a bit sadly. ANNIE (CONT’D) I think the coke is wearing off... JAY I’m sorry to hear that. It’s been so much fun. After a beat-- JAY (CONT’D) (to himself) Who the hell sent that text...? They head back toward the Tahoe, which is fogged up and moving a little. They look at each other-- ANNIE Are they... JAY Having sex in my car. Yep. Looks like it. They stand there a beat, unsure what to do. INT. TAHOE - MOMENTS LATER Jay and Annie climb in, wrecked from their respective traumas and their fight... and a little disturbed by what was clearly just going on in the backseat. Tess and Robby pull their clothes on, a little self-consciously. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 80.

ROBBY Sorry, guys. TESS Yeah... sorry. JAY (then realizes) I’m not even gonna ask if... ROBBY Yeah. We watched the video. Tess SMACKS him. ANNIE TESS Ooooh myyyy goddd! We weren’t gonna... ROBBY (CONT’D) I know. We weren’t gonna tell them, but I can’t lie to Jay. We just skimmed it, because we didn’t have much time. ANNIE OH. MY. GOD. ROBBY Annie... there’s nothing to be ashamed of. TESS It’s the most natural thing in the world. JAY (trying to calm Annie) It’s true, it is... ANNIE This might be... no, it definitely is, the most embarrassing moment of my life. TESS Really, honey, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. If anything, you should be proud... ROBBY Yeah, your body is insane. JAY Okay. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 81.

ANNIE (turns to Tess) I can’t believe you let him watch the tape! TESS I’m sorry! He really wanted to! And, to be honest, I did too. Just a peek. ROBBY (pats Jay on the shoulder) Great staying power, pal. Impressive. JAY Thank you. I appreciate that. TESS If we’re being honest, it was real turn on. JAY ANNIE We noticed. Oh my god! Everyone is quiet for a beat. It may be the most natural thing in the world, but nobody is comfortable with this particular moment. Jay reaches back-- JAY Um... can I have the iPad, please? A long beat. ROBBY Really...? I mean, we already...

JAY ANNIE Dude! OH MY GOD. ROBBY (CONT’D) (handing it over) Fine! Another awkward silence. ANNIE We should go. Before I kill myself. And Jay. Jay starts the car. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 82.

EXT./INT. TAHOE- NIGHT The Tahoe pulls up in front of Robby and Tess’s house. ANNIE I need a bathroom. And an aspirin. JAY (rubbing his face) Me too. TESS ROBBY Of course. Come on in... ANNIE Wait! They all hesitate. ANNIE (CONT’D) We shall never speak of this day again. TESS ROBBY Of course. Absolutely... JAY Also, thank you for your help. TESS ROBBY Of course! No problem! INT. ROBBY AND TESS’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER They all come thru the door to find Howard waiting for them weirdly. Their older Swedish babysitter MARTA watches tv in the living room- HOWARD Mom. Dad. ROBBY TESS Hey, pal. Hi, sweetie. Hi, Marta... MARTA (absently) Howard study. HOWARD I was studying. In my room. Annie, Jay. What a surprise. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 83.

ROBBY Yeah. We just... went out for a drink. Celebrate the old anniversary. HOWARD How nice. Tess signals to Annie-- TESS Here, let me get you... ANNIE Thank you. ROBBY (re: Jay’s torn up shirt) Let me get you a shirt. The women and Robby head off into the house, leaving Jay with Howard. HOWARD So. Here we are. JAY Uh... yeah. HOWARD Did you get my text message? Jay’s jaw nearly hits the floor. JAY You mean...? HOWARD You should be more careful, Jay. JAY It was a... how did... where... HOWARD Stop babbling. I own your ass. JAY But... I don’t think so. I got the iPad back. HOWARD Oh, did you? Too bad I didn’t make a copy! Oh wait. I did. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 84.

JAY How could you make a copy? The cloud only lets... HOWARD “Oh, the cloud!” Look at me. Do I look like somebody who knows how to make a copy of an mp4 or do I not? He does. JAY Does Clive know about this? HOWARD No. My boy’s young and stupid and he don’t need to know about this shit. JAY “Your boy”? HOWARD But I already uploaded your sorry ass video to youporn. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. They update their site every morning at 8am. And only the original poster can take it down. JAY Okay... This is... very... This is a joke, right...? He laughs. Howard does not. JAY (CONT'D) What do you want, Howard? An x-box? Because I can get you one... HOWARD An x-box? You think I’m an idiot? I want twenty five thousand dollars. Cash. JAY I don’t have twenty five thousand dollars lying around! HOWARD I’ve thought about it and I think you do. If you really look. (MORE) abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 85. HOWARD (CONT'D) And Annie’s about to come into some money from the sale of her blog, if I’m understanding correctly. Unless something were to get in the way of that. Say, if her image were to be... tarnished. In the eyes of the Fisher Price board members. JAY “Tarnished?!” (stunned) I think I need to have a conversation with your parents. HOWARD Try. I’ll lie. And they’ll believe me. Not you. And the more you insist I’m lying, the crazier and more desperate you’ll look. And don’t even think about telling Annie. I love Annie. JAY What...? Of course I’m gonna tell Annie... HOWARD Do the words “school email blast” mean anything to you? JAY Jesus, Howard... You’re kind of a sick puppy, aren’t you? Robby enters with a t-shirt for Jay-- ROBBY Could anyone else use a little ice cream? HOWARD (staring at Jay) I’d love some. Dad. He heads for the kitchen, leaving Jay speechless, as Annie and Tess reenter-- ANNIE Let’s go home and call that number. Find out who sent you that text. Jay nods, shaken-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 86.

JAY Yeah. Let’s go. From the kitchen, Howard watches him ominously. INT. ANNIE AND JAY’S HOUSE/ FOYER - NIGHT Annie is escorting Linda to the door-- ANNIE Thanks again, Mom. LINDA Annie... is everything alright? ANNIE (unconvincing) Yeah... Everything will be fine. LINDA Are you and Jay okay? Like a true mother, she has seen right into her daughter’s heart. ANNIE I think so. INT. ANNIE AND JAY’S HOUSE/ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Jay is on the phone, whispering-- JAY I’m telling you, that’s what happened. INTERCUT: INT. ROBBY AND ANNIE’S HOUSE / KITCHEN - SAME He’s talking to Robby, who is also whispering, and a little defensive-- ROBBY Look man, I just asked him and he had no idea what I was talking about. Jay can’t believe this is happening. Just then, Annie sticks her head in-- ANNIE Who are you talking to? abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 87.

JAY (covers the phone) Just Robby. I left my shirt at their house. I called the number. It went straight to voicemail. Computer voice. She shakes her head, feeling the day-- ANNIE I feel like shit. JAY Might be the coke. ANNIE And the sex tape. I’m going to lay down. JAY Okay. (back to Robby) Robby, there’s no easy way to say this. Your kid is trying to blackmail me for twenty five grand. ROBBY (exasperated) Jay, can you hear yourself?! (deep breath) Look, you’ve had a really stressful day. You were attacked by a dog, you fell out of a window and your wife is super-pissed at you. But Howard is just a kid. He’s not your problem. And when you wake up, you’ll see that. JAY (losing his mind) Just go look at his computer, would you? For me? ROBBY I’m not gonna look at his computer, Jay! There’s nothing on there! He told me and I trust him. JAY (very frustrated) I’ve gotta go. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 88.

ROBBY Get some rest, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow at school. JAY Right. Graduation. I almost forgot. ROBBY Big day. And Jay...? JAY Yeah? ROBBY I just want to say, one more time, great tape. I had no idea Annie was so flexible. JAY Um... thank you...? ROBBY I mean it. It was a big surprise. I mean, of course, I’d fantasized about her. You know, in my mind. Or when we hang out by the pool, but I just never... JAY I think we should probably stop talking about this. ROBBY Fair enough. Another time. JAY Or maybe just... never. ROBBY Yeah, another time. They hang up. Jay sits for a beat, trying to figure out his next move. He turns to his computer, opens up the browser and goes to youporn. ON HIS FACE, as he starts to look around... A range of feelings-- curious, disgusted... Intrigued...? ANNIE What are you doing? He JUMPS, startled-- JAY You gotta stop doing that! abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 89.

ANNIE What. Are. You. Doing. JAY Okay.... The good news-- the mailman’s iPad is no longer synced to my library. He must have put his own stuff on there. So we don’t have to worry about him. ANNIE What’s the bad news? Silence. He’s not sure how to put this... ANNIE (CONT’D) Jay, what are you not telling me? Jay considers the options and can only think of one-- the truth. MOMENTS LATER-- Annie paces, unable to believe what Jay’s just told her-- ANNIE Twenty five thousand dollars?! Where are we gonna get twenty five thousand dollars to give to Howard?! How are we even talking about this?! JAY We’re not! It’s insane! ANNIE Well then what the hell are we gonna do? Just let the little freak post the thing on-line for anyone on Earth to see?! Anyone we know, anyone we don’t know, the weird guy at the deli... Eeuch! I mean, what would people think?! That we just... do that? JAY Look... I was just looking at a bunch of these tapes. (off her look) Glancing. I was glancing. For research. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 90.

ANNIE And what did you learn from your amateur porn research? JAY Well, one thing I learned is... there are other frontiers that we have yet to explore. But that’s for another time. The important thing right now is, you can’t really tell who these people are, mostly. And I’m sure every one of them has someone they hope won’t see it. But they do it anyway. That’s probably why they do it. The thrill of knowing that someone might see them... you know... splayed out on a tractor with their... ANNIE The point?! JAY Even if it went up there, would anyone even really know that it was us? And if they did, does it matter that much? ANNIE It might matter to Hank Rosenbaum. JAY Yeah, well... Hank Rosenbaum had like an 11 inch dildo in his night stand. ANNIE He did? JAY Yes. ANNIE Was it made by Fisher Price? Jay laughs. So does she. First they’ve laughed all night. JAY You get what I’m saying. In a way, everyone has an 11 inch dildo in their night stand. ANNIE That’s a beautiful metaphor. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 91.

JAY Thank you. Just came up with that. (his point) If it went up on line, among the millions of sex tapes out there, and someone did see it... maybe... who cares what anyone thinks? She thinks about this for a moment... Trying it on. Softer than we’ve seen her since she found out about the video. JAY (CONT’D) So I have an idea. ANNIE What? JAY We haven’t even seen the thing... ANNIE There’s no chance I’m watching it. JAY You don’t have to. But I will. And I’ll see what we’re dealing with, here. After a beat-- ANNIE Okay. JAY Okay. He moves to the computer-- ANNIE I don’t want to hear it either. JAY (calming) That’s fine, baby. He puts on his headphones. ON HIS FACE, as he starts the video. (We don’t see what he’s watching.) At first, studious... then-- a smile. Then-- a bigger smile. Then-- studious again. Then-- slightly disturbed. Then-- very, very disturbed. He SKIPS forward. Then -- he GAGS slightly and STOPS the video. He looks like he’s seen a ghost-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 92.

JAY (CONT’D) We gotta get that fucking thing off the internet. ANNIE What?! But what about... JAY That is us. It is definitely us. Very clearly. That camera is amazing. ANNIE Oh my god... JAY (panicking) You remember what I said about porn and how you don’t even see the guy? Well, I saw him. And it was me. And it was... horrible. I can never un- see that. It’s like the worst picture of yourself ever... except you’re fucking. For hours. ANNIE What about me? JAY You’re a sex pot! I’ve told you this! Total wank material! And it’s in the fucking cloud! We gotta do something! What do we do?! We need twenty five grand! ANNIE I have a better idea. Move. She JUMPS up, behind the computer-- ANNIE (CONT’D) (starts typing) Youporn, it’s called? JAY Yes. Howard said the site updates at 8am. And we’re gonna be on it. Oh Jesus... ANNIE Relax! The internet isn’t a free- floating thing. The video is on a server somewhere. It’s not an actual cloud. abe_recio@(MORE) spe.sony.com 93. ANNIE (CONT'D) (beat) You knew that, right? JAY (kind of) Yeah... ANNIE We have to find the business address and see if we can figure out from the IP address where the servers are. I think most of the big porn ones are in the valley. JAY Then what do we do? ANNIE I don’t know! We go there, I guess. See if anyone’s there and bribe them or something. JAY What do we do with the kids? EXT. ANNIE AND JAY’S HOUSE - NIGHT They RUSH to their car, gingerly CARRYING the sleeping kids. INT. TAHOE (MOVING) - NIGHT Driving through an industrial area of the valley, Clive and Nell sleep in the back seat, as Annie navigates with her iPhone-- ANNIE Up here, make a left. EXT. PARKING LOT / ALLEY - NIGHT A deserted parking area between a pair of enormous warehouses. The Tahoe pulls up next to one of them and idols. INT. TAHOE - SAME Annie confirms-- ANNIE This is the address. They stare up at the big darkened warehouse, quiet and clearly not open for business. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 94.

ANNIE (CONT’D) I’m pretty sure the servers are somewhere in this warehouse. JAY We’ve definitely crossed over into some strange new world. ANNIE Yep. JAY I’ve got an idea. EXT. WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Jay KNOCKS on the padlocked door-- JAY Hello!! Anyone here...!? Hello?! Annie watches-- ANNIE Was this the idea? JAY Um... part one. Yeah. He moves to the massive metal garage door, POUNDS on it-- JAY (CONT’D) Hello! Anyone home? No reaction. Clive gets out of the car, groggy and disoriented-- CLIVE What’s going on? Where are we? JAY ANNIE Hey, bud. Hi sweetheart. Jay tries one more time, pounding on the big metal door-- JAY Last chance!! Anyone here?! CLIVE (to Annie) What is he doing? What’s going on? ANNIE We are... out for a late night... abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 95.

JAY Adventure. Little adventure. CLIVE What’s the adventure? ANNIE Um.... It’s like a scavenger hunt... sort of... JAY ...it’s a game we’re only going to play once. Ever. In our lives. It’s called “Breaking and Entering”. ANNIE What?! MOMENTS LATER-- Annie stands with Clive, holding Nell in her arms, cringing-- --Jay, behind the wheel-- JAY Part two. He DRIVES DIRECTLY INTO THE METAL GARAGE DOOR. Sturdier than it looks, but it does BUCKLE ON impact, basically folding up over the hood. Annie watches-- hm. Not quite as dramatic as it seemed like it might be. Jay climbs out, examines his work-- the door has indeed lifted a bit. JAY (CONT’D) I think we can climb under! CLIVE Is this “the entering”? JAY Yep. He OPENS his trunk and pulls three BASEBALL BATS out of Clive’s Little League gear bag-- JAY (CONT’D) Who’s ready to have some fun? abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 96.

INT. YOUPORN OFFICE / WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER SLOW MO-- Our sweet family of four, looking oddly dangerous, wielding bats, walking into the large dark warehouse. Jay and Clive both carry big mag lights, scanning the room. INT. SERVER ROOM A large room filled with BLINKING computers and equipment. The family stands over them-- ANNIE And these would be the servers. JAY So... somewhere on there.... ANNIE (cutting him off in front of the kids) Yes. Correct. I think. Jay takes a deep breath, fun-dad mode-- JAY Okay, kids! We’re about to make a very questionable decision! Want to be clear-- you’re never going to do anything like this ever again? You got it? NELL Got it. CLIVE Promise. Annie is (understandably) apprehensive, then decides-- ANNIE Do it. Jay takes his bat back and SMASHES A SERVER. MONTAGE OVER-- The Ramones “I Want To Be Sedated” -- Clive smashes a server. He laughs, ecstatic. -- Nell tries to smash a server. Jay shows her how to bend her knees, as she smashes a server. She does. Jay HIGH FIVES with her. -- Annie smashes a server to bits. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 97.

--Jay stands over a computer on a desk, mimes “waiting for the pitch”, then BLASTS the thing off the desk, and pretends to “watch it go” over the fence. Clive and Nell CRACK UP. JAY That ought to do it. INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Jay and Annie step out of the server room and are instantly face to face with-- LAMONT, the founder and CEO of youporn, his porn star wife CATALINA, A BODYGUARD and TWO PIT BULLS. LAMONT May I help you? ANNIE JAY Um... hi. (covering terribly) Oh, hello! You must be... Jay tries to smile. Annie discreetly gestures for the kids to stay in the server room, which they do. LAMONT (CONT’D) May I ask, what the fuck is going on here? JAY Are you the... proprietor of this... institution? LAMONT “Institution”? Yes. I’m that motherfucker. Lamont Anderson. What are you, some right wing Jesus freaks? You hate porn? Well guess what? It’s a free country. And you have just made a very serious mistake. ANNIE Actually, sir... we’re not Jesus freaks. Catalina gives Annie a menacing once over. LAMONT You from Hustler then? Xtube? RedTube? Bangbros? Bangbus? Kindgirls? BigBoobAlert? Naughtycollegeschoolgirls? JAY No. We’re not, sir. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 98.

LAMONT Where you from then? Realitykings? NaughtyAmerica? SeducedbyaCougar? Submityourbitch? CATALINA You with Euroangels? Asiaangels? Tugjobs? Athousandcumshots? BODYGUARD Bigtitcreampie? LAMONT Fourtube? Alphaporno? Badjojo? Fuckstar.tv? (beat) Not Playboy? Did Hugh send you? JAY Sir, if you don’t mind, I’d like to explain... LAMONT You’ve put me in a position where my only options are to beat your ass or call the goddamn cops. JAY I see where you’re coming from, but if I could just... LAMONT Actually, I think I gotta beat your ass and call the goddam cops... Surprisingly strong-- JAY Look! You can beat the shit out of me, if you need to. And you can call the police but... there’s a reason I did this. People do crazy shit for their families and I... just did some crazy shit. Annie registers this. Just then, Clive and Nell step into the hallway-- NELL Can I pet the doggies? JAY No, I would not pet those doggies. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 99.

Lamont instantly clocks the situation-- LAMONT You motherfuckers made a sex tape and now you’re trying to get it off my server. Jay NODS emphatically, but for the kids’ benefit-- JAY Uh... nooooooooo...? Lamont shakes his head-- LAMONT What are your fucking names? CLIVE (quietly) He said “fuck”. JAY Jay. ANNIE Annie. Suddenly, Catalina’s ears prick up-- CATALINA Annie and Jay?! ANNIE/JAY Yeah? LAMONT You the Annie that writes Yo Mama?? ANNIE JAY (without thinking) (not sure they should Yeah, that’s me! tell them this) Uh... Why do you ask...? CATALINA I love your blog! I read it all the time! ANNIE You do...? CATALINA The way you write about motherhood, parenting, your marriage... (to Lamont) abe_recio@(MORE) spe.sony.com 100. CATALINA (CONT'D) Baby, it’s Annie and Jay!

INT. LAMONT’S OFFICE - MORNING Lamont sits across from Jay and Annie. Through a window, we see Catalina and the Bodyguard playing with Clive and Nell. LAMONT All you had to do was tell me and I would have taken it down. You know how many people are making sex tapes out there? I don’t need to be putting up sex tapes from people who don’t need their sex tapes up there. Now you gotta pay for all my servers. And my fucking door. And that’s gonna cost you... a lot of fucking money. JAY Sir, I am really sorry. And we will pay for it. LAMONT Oh yes. You will. Today. And you will be incredibly grateful that I feel sorry for your asses and that my wife likes your blog. ANNIE We’re really grateful. Super- grateful. JAY It’s really great of you. LAMONT Internet porn gets a bad rap, in some circles. But it’s not deserved. I’m always telling people this. Youporn is a community. A safe, supportive place for people to go, to display videos of themselves ass-fucking each other. ANNIE That’s... nice. LAMONT But let me ask you something. Why’d you make the video in the first place, if you didn’t want anyone to see it? abe_recio@(MORE) spe.sony.com 101. LAMONT (CONT'D) (to Jay) I know why you did it... (to Annie) But what about you? ANNIE It was my idea, actually. I guess because... it seemed like something different...? Something new? LAMONT Yeah. That’s what I thought. “Something new”. Let me tell you something-- I’ve watched several thousand sex tapes. It’s not something people do when everything’s going great. It’s what you do when you’ve lost track of why you’re fuckin’ in the first place. This hits them both. Not exactly what they want to hear-- or were expecting to hear from Lamont. LAMONT (CONT'D) It’s a quick fix. But it doesn’t solve anything. And a lot of times, it just hides bigger problems. Ouch. LAMONT (CONT’D) Look at Paris Hilton and Rick Salomon. Kim Kardashian and Ray J. Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. Pamela Anderson and Brett Michaels. Brett Michaels and Janine Lindermulder. Janine Lindermulder and me. All of these relationships had bigger problems. They all forgot why they were fuckin’ in the first place. (he lets this land) Anyway... that’s gonna be roughly fifty thousand dollars. How would you like to pay? Their jaws drop. EXT. YOUPORN OFFICE WAREHOUSE COMPLEX - DAWN The family stands outside blinking in the rising sun. Jay and Annie look at each other. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 102.

JAY Technically a win, I think. ANNIE Yeah. As long as we’re okay with taking out a second mortgage. JAY I’m fine with that. ANNIE Me too. NELL Can we go get pancakes? Annie checks her watch, later than she expected-- ANNIE No! Jay, it’s almost seven thirty. Graduation’s at nine, we gotta get home and get changed and get to school! CLIVE I gotta gel my hair! JAY We gotta go! Load up! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go... He grabs Nell and RUNS her to the car, in a hurry. EXT. ANNIE AND JAY’S HOUSE - MORNING The Tahoe SCREECHES into the driveway and they all JUMP out of the car. Jay helps Nell, as Annie rushes ahead with Clive-- ANNIE Jay! Keys! He TOSSES them to her and she CATCHES them perfectly, RUNS for the door. To Nell-- NELL (groggy) I’m tired... JAY Me too, man. Me too. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 103.

INT. ANNIE AND JAY’S HOUSE / KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER Annie and Jay are quickly serving breakfast to the kids-- he holds plates with one hand and pours orange juice with the other, as she piles scrambled eggs and toast onto the plates. A complicated bit of choreography but also effortless, they’ve done it so many times-- teamwork. INT. ANNIE AND JAY’S HOUSE / CLIVE’S ROOM - MORNING Jay helps Clive tie his tie, instructing him-- JAY Then around and over... INT. ANNIE AND JAY’S HOUSE / KIDS’ BATHROOM - MORNING Annie does Nell’s’ hair. Jay calls from the doorway-- JAY Brush! Annie TOSSES it behind her back, and he GRABS it out of the air in a perfect Globetrotters pass. She checks the clock-- ANNIE Eight forty five! We gotta go! JAY (yelling to the kids) We gotta go! EXT. ANNIE AND JAY’S HOUSE - MORNING They all RUN back to the car, Jay again carrying Nell, Annie adjusting Clive’s blazer and over-styled hair. INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - MORNING The four of them RUN down the hallway toward a large auditorium. CLIVE I gotta go backstage! JAY Alright! Go graduate! We love you! Annie grabs him, looks at him a beat, tears up a little bit-- ANNIE We love you so much. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 104.

CLIVE I love you too, mom. ANNIE I’m gonna kiss you, whether you like it or not. CLIVE (smiles) Okay. She does. ANNIE Go! Hurry! INT. AUDITORIUM - MOMENTS LATER Annie, Jay and Nell enter in a hurry-- everyone is getting settled. They just made it. NELL I’m gonna find my class. ANNIE Okay, hon. JAY See you after! As Nell wanders off, Jay and Annie look around for seats-- they’re too late for good ones. Jay points to the balcony. INT. AUDITORIUM / BALCONY - MOMENTS LATER They settle into their seats, front row of the balcony, and sigh, relieved. JAY We made it. ANNIE I’m just glad we were able to get back from the porn warehouse in time for Clive’s graduation. JAY Without going to jail, yeah. Down below, they spot -- Robby and Tess, in the audience. They all wave at each other. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 105.

ANNIE Not sure I’m ever going to be able to look at Robby again, quite the same way. JAY Well, the feeling is mutual, if that helps at all. She hits him playfully. JAY (CONT’D) We got them all back. May have to steal Howard’s computer, but after what we’ve been through, that shouldn’t be too hard. ANNIE I’m just glad the thing is out of our lives. If the worst thing that happened is Robby saw us... (grimaces) Not gonna finish that sentence but, if that’s the worst of it, then-- I guess... it’s not so bad. On the scale of completely horrifying things. He turns to her quickly and grabs her shoulder, looks her right in the eyes-- JAY I love you. ANNIE I love you too. JAY I mean it. Not just in the way we say it all the time. I mean, I really love you. And I’m very sorry about the video. In case I haven’t said that yet. ANNIE (sweet) Thank you. You hadn’t. JAY But in this other way... I’m glad it happened. (MORE) abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 106. JAY (CONT'D) Because I was thinking about what you said last night, when we were standing on Hank’s lawn and you were cranked up on coke... ANNIE Jay, I don’t know what I was... JAY No. Listen. You said that a thing like that, like the video... “incident” reveals a lot about a person. (beat) And then I said, “it reveals a whole lot about a person”... ANNIE You’re really so proud of that, that you’re saying it again? JAY Quite a bit is revealed. (she shakes her head) Sorry. What I was thinking was-- you’re right. And what it revealed about you -- (can’t resist) --apart from your... ANNIE Jay. JAY It revealed that you are-- generous, tender, caring, imaginative, hot as hell. That you know how to take care of our marriage... ANNIE I wasn’t just talking about the... (whispering) ...sex. JAY Neither am I. I’m talking about the whole thing. Running around all night. It revealed that you always remember what’s important, you’re fast on your feet, ready for anything. You’re always a great mother, no matter what else is going on... abe_recio@(MORE) spe.sony.com 107. JAY (CONT'D) and kind of a lightweight when it comes to cocaine, which is a good quality. And... it shouldn’t take something like this to remember all that and it didn’t but... is there a word for remembering something you’ve never forgotten? She’s moved by this-- ANNIE You know what it revealed about you? JAY I do, because you told me... ANNIE That was just the gutter glitter talking... It revealed that you’re cool under pressure. In your way. That you try to find the good in every situation. Even when sometimes you shouldn’t. That you basically can’t lie for shit. That you would do anything to get those iPads back for me. There’s nobody better to be with, when the shit hits the fan. This makes him happy. JAY I can think of something else it revealed about me... ANNIE Just can’t stop yourself, can you? JAY I can’t! All I’m saying is, I don’t just want to be teammates either but... you’re the best one I could ever hope for. And I can’t help it-- I think it’s kind of hot. As our friend Lamont the porn guy might say, that’s why I’m fuckin’ you in the first place. ANNIE Aawwww. In unison-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 108.

JAY/ANNIE I fucking love you. He grins, leans in for the KISS. After a beat, they get a little more into it than seems appropriate for the setting-- JAY You think we have time to run out to the car real quick, before the ceremony starts...? She laughs and KISSES him again, as Linda arrives at the aisle to sit with them-- LINDA Excuse me. Public place. ANNIE JAY Hi Mom. Hi Linda. She sits. On stage, the PRINCIPAL takes the mic-- PRINCIPAL Good morning, everyone. Let’s settle in and find a seat. I’m Principal Mulaney and I’d like to welcome everyone to our 4th grade graduation ceremony. First up, I’d like to introduce our video yearbook maestro Clive Hargrove, who’s going to introduce his video presentation. Jay and Annie clap and “whoop!”, as Clive takes the mic, very shy, reading from notes-- CLIVE This is a video I made, showing the amazing year we had. Taking pictures and videos is really important because it reminds us... what’s really important. All the amazing times we had. So I now present to you our fourth grade video yearbook. The lights go down. On a screen behind him, Jay’s desktop is projected in full, complete with a background photo of Jay and Annie and the kids. Clive looks nervously to his HELPER, who is sitting in front of Jay’s laptop, in front of the stage, a little confused. Annie suddenly has a terrible thought-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 109.

ANNIE You erased the thing from the computer, right? Jay-- isn’t sure. CLIVE (repeating) I now present to you our fourth grade video yearbook. HELPER Is it “Video 1” or “Movie 1”? CLIVE (under his breath) Video 1... I think... JAY (yells out) Video 1! It’s Video 1! CLIVE No, I think it’s “Movie 1”. HELPER The most recent one? CLIVE Yeah, the most recent one. ANNIE JAY (panicking) No... Wait... The audience waits patiently. Jay stands up, watching... The video starts. And guess what? On the screen, Jay appears, in his briefs-- JAY (VIDEO) Hello and welcome to “A Night with Annie and Jay”... Annie GASPS. So do Robby and Tess. Linda is confused. On stage, Howard smiles to himself. On screen, Jay continues-- JAY (IN VIDEO) (CONT’D) ...in which we will demonstrate... In the balcony-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 110.

JAY (CONT’D) I love you. Now call 911. Jay takes a FLYING LEAP off the balcony, onto the AV table, SMASHING his computer. The screen goes dark. The audience REACTS. JAY (CONT’D) (hurting) Sorry! Sorry! It was Video 1. Not Movie 1... As Robby and several other concerned PARENTS and TEACHERS RUN up to make sure he’s alive. PRINCIPAL Um... we’ll take a five minute break. INT. ANNIE AND JAY’S HOUSE / KITCHEN - NIGHT The four of them are eating dinner together, having a nice time. Jay’s in a really cheerful mood, despite the fact that his arm is in a sling and his leg is in a cast. He raises a glass-- JAY A lot to celebrate tonight! Here’s to Clive graduating and Mom getting an offer on her blog and us... reclaiming something that was ours and me not getting killed! Cheers! CLIVE Thanks, Dad. How’s your arm? And your leg? JAY Lot of pain, pal. Lot of pain. Excruciating. The phone RINGS. Clive jumps up to answer-- NELL Why did you jump off the balcony? JAY I told you, honey. I tripped. That’s why it’s so important to always use railings and make sure your shoes are tied. And that your videos are properly labeled. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 111.

From the corner-- CLIVE Can I go get ice cream with Howard and Marta? Annie and Jay share concerned looks, unsure what to do-- ANNIE Um... JAY (get an idea) No. Sorry. CLIVE Why not? JAY ‘Cause it’s family night. And we’re going to get doughnuts. And maybe... laser tag. As a family. CLIVE Awesome. ANNIE We are? You can hardly move... JAY (quietly) Trust me. INT. ANNIE AND JAY’S HOUSE / FOYER- NIGHT They’re getting ready to go out. The doorbell RINGS. Jay (on crutches) answers-- -- to find Howard. In the street behind him, Marta, the babysitter, waits in her Volvo. JAY Howard. HOWARD Jay. JAY We told you, Clive is busy tonight. HOWARD (all business) A moment, please? abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 112.

JAY Yeah. Jay steps outside and CLOSES the door behind him. HOWARD I see what you’re doing. JAY (tough) I have no idea what you’re talking about. Howard. HOWARD Withholding Clive. Shrewd. And I don’t know what the fuck you did to youporn, but I’m impressed. JAY (weirdly aggressive) Turns out I got a few moves myself, Howard. Watch your back. HOWARD Are you threatening me? JAY I’m not paying you shit. You’ve seen what I’m willing to do. I’ll jump off a fucking balcony. So don’t cross me. Because I just might be crazier than you are. Howard seems a little spooked for a second-- Jay almost feels bad, but he keeps up the tough guy schtick. After a beat, Howard pulls a flash drive out of his pocket and hands it to Jay. HOWARD This is the my last copy of your stupid tape. I’ve deleted all the other copies. JAY Why should I believe you? HOWARD I’m doing it for my boy, Clive. To protect him. Can’t have this shit out there. So I’m making a sacrifice. Also, he’s my only friend and I want to hang out with him. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 113.

JAY I respect that decision. HOWARD Believe me, this is harder to give back to you than you could ever imagine. JAY It’s a good call though. Howard heads back toward the car-- JAY (CONT’D) Howard. HOWARD Yeah? JAY You want to come play Laser tag with us? HOWARD Naw. I got a thing. But I’ll be by tomorrow. JAY See you then. Howard climbs into the back seat of Marta’s car-- HOWARD To Baskin Robbins, Marta. I’m buying. You get whatever you want, doll. They take off. Jay watches the car drive away, victorious. EXT. JAY AND ANNIE’S HOUSE / BACKYARD - NIGHT Jay stands, holding a hammer; the flash drive sits on the picnic table in front of him. Annie steps outside-- ANNIE They’re down... (re:flash drive) That’s it, huh? JAY The last copy. Here we go... He raises the hammer-- abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 114.

ANNIE Wait! INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER They sit on the bed with her laptop-- ANNIE Just once. JAY Just once. ANNIE And not the whole thing. We’ll just skip around. She hits play-- the familiar beginning-- JAY (ON VIDEO) Hello and welcome to “A Night...” As she jumps forward, we see QUICK CUTS of the video: --Annie dressed up as a Catholic school girl. ANNIE I need to be spanked. He SPANKS her. --Jay dressed up as a Catholic school girl. JAY Now I need to be spanked. Annie spanks him really hard. JAY (CONT’D) OW! What the hell?! ANNIE Sorry! --Jay is doing a headstand while Annie gives him a standing blowjob. No one is enjoying this. Jay’s arms give out and he collapses onto her head. JAY Sorry, I couldn’t hold it. --Jay is on all fours. Behind him, Annie is shaving his butt. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 115.

JAY (CONT’D) Is this doing it for you? ANNIE (super sexy voice) Not at all! --Annie, using the couch as a trampoline tries to do a FLIP and land right in perfect cowgirl position. She MISSES, Jay SCREAMS-- JAY Owwww! --Brief moment of Jay holding ice to his genitals. --Lying on the ground, entangled in a very weird position, Annie refers to the book-- ANNIE Okay, now put your leg between my butt cheeks and... it says to lick my armpit. JAY Really? ANNIE That’s what the book says! JAY Armpit it is! --Trying the couch-jump-cowgirl thing again-- Jay is lying on his back again, really nervous, Annie prepares to spring off the couch-- ANNIE I was a cheerleader. I can do this! JAY Do it! She JUMPS, Jay PANIC-DODGES her and she LANDS horribly-- ANNIE Ahhhhh! JAY Sorry! I got scared! --Quick shot of Annie holding ice to her crotch. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 116.

JAY (CONT’D) Is it ready? ANNIE Not yet. JAY How about now? ANNIE It’s broken down there, man. Just wait a minute. --And yet they are TRYING AGAIN. Jay is lying on the floor, now terrified-- JAY I don’t want this! ANNIE I don’t want it either but we have to do it! She JUMPS nails the landing. ANNIE (CONT’D) Yeah! JAY We did it! And they’re back at it-- ANNIE I stuck my landing! JAY I’ll “stick your landing”. ANNIE Jay... JAY I give you 8 and half... ANNIE Don’t say it... JAY ANNIE Inches! Shut up! abe_recio@ spe.sony.com 117.

--Finally, an extended shot of Jay making a series of the worst sex faces imaginable. CUT TO: QUICK CUTS-- -- outside, Jay takes a hammer to the flash drive. Then Annie takes a hammer to it. -- Jay puts the broken flash drive on the barbecue, LIGHTS IT and douses the thing in LIGHTER FLUID, causing a huge FLARE UP. -- Annie puts the scorched and battered flash drive in the Cuisinart and BLENDS it. --Annie and Jay pour the liquefied flash drive into a hole in the ground and bury it. ANNIE We killed it. JAY Dead. They HIGH FIVE, KISS, then WALK solemnly back to the house. FADE TO BLACK. THE END... OR IS IT?

AFTER CREDITS-- DING DONG. Annie opens the front door to find-- -- THE MAILMAN. She SCREAMS. He STARTLES-- MAILMAN Eh! Uh... I have a delivery for you... Needs a signature. ANNIE Right. Sorry... She takes the digital clipboard and signs. As soon as she looks away... the Mailman cracks a demented smile. abe_recio@ spe.sony.com