bserver THE STUDENT VOICE OF FORDHAM COLLEGE tit April 12, 2002 www.fclcobservef.com VOLUME XX, Issue 12

Catholic Fordham Students Remain Faithful Despite Church Scandal By Susanna Haunter, FCLC '03 Bernard Law, who, along with other church leaders, knew of Geoghan's histo- Many Catholic Fordham students ry of sexually abusing children while remain loyal to their religion and to the they transferred him from parish to Catholic Church despite the sexual abuse parish in the 1980'sand 1990's, accord- scandal that has engulfed the Roman ing to the Times, lrt response Catholic Church over the past few to the allegations and subsequent investi- weeks. Many students express feelings gations, Law has apologized and given of hurt, sadness and betrayal in response local prosecutors the names of more than to the scandal; but their fundamental 80 priests accused of sexual abuse over faith in Christ, as well as in most aspects the p^ast 50 years. ofthe.church, have not been shaken. Sihce January, at least 80 Catholic Allegations of child sexual1 abuse priests Out of more than 47,000 nation- vtifftift tiie Catholic CHtircri garnered wide have been removed, Suspended, put national attention in January when The on administrative leave, or forced to ffiMw Qfohe reported that Boston resign

Hate Protests COMMENTARY: day irt protest of the F.D.N. Y. outside The Church: No Longer a of the Fire Department at 9 Metro Place to Hide teen Center in Brooklyn, according page 7 to Michael Keefe-Feldman, FCLC '02. "There were about 15 of them, FEATtJ&ES: Phelps and his family, and maybe 40 Who Needs Gay TV? or so of us. they were just walking pages 10 & 12 around with signs and some of them didn't make any sense, like* one that said 'Daniel Pearl is a fag.' the rea- Why Do We Root for son they went to protest the F.D.ft.Y Underdogs? was because in Phelps' sermons he page 27 says that gay people are the reason that September 11 happened," Keefe- Feldman said. "I found out about [the protest] from a friend of mine, ft "UrWetown" Pees on the Hand upset him that a person could preach that feeds that kind of hate." Mark Durbak, page 14 FCLC '04, and other students found out about the protest from Keefe- VOX: By Danytl Grelllch Feldman, who helped organize the group from Fordham that counter- Liza Minelli and the Wu Tang Clan: A New Collaboration By Laura Ralph, FCLC'03 Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) on protested. Saturday, March 9. Phelps and the "I decided to go to the protest - Students from the Fordham com- WBC, who oppose the homosexual because first of all, it is despicable munity attended a series of counter- lifestyle and claim that September 11 that anyone would use September 11 protests against Reverend Fred Phelps was an act of God to punish Amerioa, in hate or to play their political agen- and His Topeka, Kansas-based held their first demonstration of the da. Also (continued on page 2) News April 12, 2002 page 2 An American on Muslim American Life

By Jason Ferrante, FCLC'05 following the attack "I got a call from up and then tears it in half) can say justify a certain kind of behavior," a friend of mine, a Rabbi, who wanted 'take it all off baby, take it off... and said Malib. At-7 p.m. in McMahon hall on me to come down to the site. I went, that is acceptable for us- that is a con- Malib began his lecture talking Wednesday March 19, the Stein and I was with some of the members flict for me! As a Muslim, for me... to about the present condition of life in Scholars Program, a program that acts of the clergy. I cannot believe all the see women being degraded to that America and life in general that out of Fordham Law School, provided negative things they were saying... extent... [that] being portrayed as a Muslim people face. He ended by cul- the Fordham community with an they did not realize I too was statement of freedom is not a state- minating the effects of the negative evening of insight into the present Muslim." ment of freedom!" campaigns on Arab Muslims. "You Muslim condition, post 9/11, with In the lecture Mr. Malib admitted, He talks about the true nature of have Muslims today that don't even guest speaker Abdul Malib. that like all societal groups' religions, Jesus. "From Jesus we have been want to be who they are because they "Our country has be founded upon his has its own short comings. He made to believe that... he came into have been made to feel so ashamed of those people who stood up for truth stated that "the majority of people in the city and blessed everything and themselves that they hate being who but [who] were often dislike[d] in their the world of Islam, like that in the forgave everything and everybody. I they are." times, such as Dr. King," Malib said. world of Christianity, are not in tune don't know why people think that! If Malib says in order to understand, Malib is an African American who with what god has to say... there is a you read the bible you will see that society must learn and evaluate the was raised as a Christian and convert- difference between what the Koran is Jesus is a revolutionary human past history of his religion. He wants ed to Islam when he was a student and teaching and what the people are prac- being." Malib went on to discuss how students to stand up for people who he was later enlightened as he studied in ticing... but one of the things the Jesus fought for social justice and says "are being slandered [which] in Mecca. Today he attempts to right media is good at doing is portraying equality, and about the bible and how religion is the worst thing that one can some of the wrong misconceptions of Islam as oppressive." it teaches us not fight against our own do... If your name and picture goes his beloved religion and its people. In respect to the coverage of the flesh and blood but against rulers of up... with 'child molester' or 'rapist' He analyzes the problem with reli- female body he states that "In our darkness and people in high places. on the front page of the Post or NY gions today and hones in on topics of society if we see a woman covered she "You see most people don't really Times, they can apologize all they cultural and religious bias and bigotry, is oppressed... but Mother Teresa was understand what is going on... want- you're finished." that he believes are as present today as covered no one made fun of her... we because we have been deceived... So Malib challenged students to read they were some forty years ago. protest coverage as oppression of now terrorism, Muslims, they will kill in order to understand, question them- At one point he talks about a per- women but in our society men for this you! What is the purpose of this kind selves, and realize that only 15% of all sonal experience of this bias the day paper (he is holding a five dollar bill of boogey-man scare tactic? It is to Muslims are Arabs. •

is There Such a Thing As

A PUBLIC FORUM AND DIALOGUE

Thursday, April 18 at 6 p.m. Oscar Htyuelos, winner of the Pulteer Prize for Fiction for The Mambo School of Law Kings Played Songs of Love, a national and international bestseller and later adapted into a major motion picture. Hijuetos has written McNalty Amphitheater, 140 West 62nd Street four other critically acclaimed novels; his latest novel, A Simple Habana Melody, will appear in May 2002 and wilt be published by Speakers HarperCollins. Oscar Hijuetos Piter Quinn, winner of an American Book Award for his critically Peter Quinn acclaimed novel, Banished Children of Eve (1994 Viking: 1995 Penguin). Formally the head speechwriter for Governors Hugh Carey and Mario Moderator Cuomo, Quinn is currently the corporate editorial director for AOL Rev. George W. Hunt, S.J. Time Warner. His latest novel, None But Executioners, will be pub- lished In autumn 2002. For more information, contact the Archbishop Hughes Rev. George W. Hunt, S.J., Director of the Archbishop Hughes Institute Institute on Religion and Culture at (718) 817*3185. for Religion and Culture at Fordham University and author of two Uterary studies: John Updike and the Three Great Secret Things: Sex, Religion, Admission is free. Ughf refreshments and Art (1980); and John Cheeven The Hobgoblin Company of Love will be served before and after the event. (1983). Father Hunt served as the editor-in-chief of America, the Jesuit weekly magazine, from 1984 to 1998. April 12,2002 News

Fordham Students Counter-Protest Hate Protests (continued Jmm page 1)

TARN

By Danyel Grallich

there is a strong gay community in "We were in barricades about twenty Keefe-Feldman agreed. not really any logic to it at all." Fordham and in ^ Anti- feet apart from [the protestors]. It was "I've been to several protests and one of After the first protest, Phelps proceeded gay hate is not the gay community's really weird to even think that these peo- the biggest differences was that the police to HBO Studios and a few Fordham stu- problem, it's the straight community's ple exist." Durbak described the atmos- were clearly on our side. For example, they dents followed along with other counter- problem, so it is important for straight phere. » gave us a megaphone but not them,"' he protestors. people to come out in solidarity with gay "The whole thing was very surreal. I said. " [Phelps] had two young girls with "Phelps and his family had chauffeured people, especially at Fordham," Durbak was in shock at seeing a hate rally; it was him and they were realty into it. That was Lincoln Towncars come take them to the said. Johannah Westmacott, FCLC '04, the first time I'd seen something like the saddest part. The adults may be con- next spot; we took the subway," Westmacott- also helped organize the counter-protes- that. They had outrageous signs like fused or unhappy with their own lives, but explained. "He protested on 41st and 6th at tors who joined with members of the 'Death to All Fags' and "Thank God for they made their own decisions. These kids HBO because that night they were releasing Brooklyn community, as well as other September 11' and they were singing were raised this way; they were brain- 'The Laramie Project', which is the students from NYU and the School of weird songs like 'God Hates America' to washed" Matthew Shepard story." The second Visual Arts. the tune of 'God Bless America,'" said "Phelps always brings kids with him, counter-protest was different from the first, "The first protest was scheduled for Durbak. "It was a more subdued atmos- usually his grandkids. If we do this again she said noon, but Phelps didn't show up until phere partly because there was a very we're going to make signs for the kids that "It was much different from the one in three," Westmacott said of Phelps, who good, positive relationship between the say things like 'Question your Parents,'" Brooklyn. There were less counter-protes- maintains the websites www.god- protestors and the police. The police made said Westmacott. "He has a right to free tors, but it was in Times Square, so there hatesfags.com and www.godhatesameri- it known that they were on our side and they speech and to stand there so I think its iron- were a lot of tourists walking by taking pic- ca.com. were very disgusted with him [Phelps]." ic that he hates America so much. There's tures. Some of them asked what we were doing and joined in. [Phelps] never stayed in any place very long," she said. The group The Mock Trial Team Breaks New Ground then followed him to Greenwich Wlage where Phelps protested the New York Three Program with their request. Since classes in which they get credit for par- Underground Film Festival. then, the team has been a student-run ticipating. They are a lot more structured "There were over 300 people already committee under the Pre-Law Society and more process-oriented. This is our there for die festival by the time Phelps with Dr. Beck as the faculty sponsor. goal- to establish a well-structured for- showed up. That the was most outspoken "Students did approach me, and mat." and confrontational counter-protest People Laryssa Chomiak, the president of the The committee is working towards taunted him and were very vulgar. They Pre-Law Society last year, helped get the this goal with plans to offer programs laughed and mocked him. It's the Wlage. group started. A general organizing that will promote education and When you show up in the Village with signs meeting in the fall semester indicated improvement upon legal system prac- like his, it doesn't go over well. The crowd considerable interest.The administration tices. One plan is to sponsor weekend kept swelling. They didn't appreciate him was supportive from the start," stated Dr. seminars focusing on opening and clos- in their neighborhood," Westmacott said. Beck. ; ing statements, public speaking skills, "He had an hour scheduled, but he only The founding members had a late start and writing effective questions. They stayed about 20 minutes." in regional competition that first year, but also plan to sponsor movie nights that "I think it's important to have counter- the team recovered ground this year will feature law-related movies. protests. My only worry is the reason he when they competed against Dartmouth, Students of all majors are welcomed does it is for publicity and to frighten peo- Yale, NYU, Brown, Princeton and 19 and encouraged to join. "In high school, ple. He goes wherever the publicity is and other schools in the Middle States Mock I was involved in theatre, but found no says 'this is bad; pay attention to me,'" Trial Regional Tournament held in time to pursue a theatre major in college. Westmacott said. "I don't know if we Princeton, New Jersey over President's This committee combines my passion for accomplished anything concrete as far as Day Weekend. law and theatre. The witness roles are anti-hate ideology or gay rights, but it's By Rita Bruntlll "For a little school from Lincoln perfect for actors because they are important to show solidarity. He can come Fordham's TVophy Case Center, we did very good. We competed judged on how well they portray a char- to New York with his signs, but people against teams who have a lot of school acter. Journalism majors would also ben- aren't going to tolerate it." Keefe-Feldman By Catherine Casquero FCLC'04 support. Some of these teams conduct efit because in a case, it is necessary to felt the same way. try-outs because they have such a large determine the best angle to approach a "I don't think he changed his mind at all, Two-years ago, a group of students pool of candidates," said Kristen Pollak, winning strategy. This is also great for and he didn't change anyone else's. This wanted to establish a Mock Trial Team at FCLC '03, who is a candidate for vice those who want to be public speakers," [counter-] protest wasn't necessarily pro- Lincoln Center. They approached Dr. president of the Pre-Law Society next said Pollak. ductive in that way, but it's important to Susan Beck of the political science year. "[These schools] have their own In competition, a team needs nine wit- show people with so much hate that we department and coordinator of the Three- websites dedicated to mock trials, and nesses and is (continued to page 4) don't agree with them." • News April 12. 2002

The Mock Trial Team at Help Needed For Fundraising Lincoln Center Breaks New Student Cristina Schaub, FCLC '04 Ground is raising funds for (continued from page 3)

required to have three attorneys. ,„' the NYC Chapter of "Whatever role you undertake, you learn something- from it. You get • / ' A into your character and into the trial. This is not something you do once ;/; and walk away from unaffected." 7/ The educational function is a ben- efit this experience offers. "You THE LEUKEMIA AND LYMPHOMA learn the technical jargon of the courtroom. This is also great review ; for LSATs. The mock trials teach SOCIETY

you how to think logically, and in the •\: LSAT you are required to cut out all assumptions. Our coach for the past two-years has been Peter Gormely, and he leads the LSAT classes," said Pollak. "Being on the mock trial team is really good experience. It's a lot of She will be running in the San Diego Marathon hard work, but its well worth it," said Nicole Webster, FCLC '04, who in June to help children who have cancer. has been on the team for the past two years. "You are judged by lawyers from the town of competition that are invited to attend. A team's lawyers get judged on their objec- tions, on their opening and closing statements, and witnesses get judged on how well they are cross-exam- Won't you please help Cristina by ined, how well they know their role and keep their composure, and how donating any amount you can afford? well they make contact with the judge." The cases are changed every year from criminal to civil. This year, competing universities were expect- ed to know both sides of a criminal case. The two-day competition has both morning and afternoon ses- Make out checks to: sions. In the morning, the team cap- tains meet to receive their team's The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, NYC role as either prosecution or defense. Roles are switched for the afternoon session. Chapter The teams receive feedback from 11 the judging attorneys. "That is the Write "Cristina Schaub on memo line. best part, getting the feedback," said Pollak. "On the second day of com- petition, the team is an entirely dif- ferent team. This stresses the learn- ing experience." Send checks to: Lincoln Center was hoping to have a second mock trial team, but a lack of participation did not offer the Cristina Schaub minimum number of people for a second team. "Next year, we are hoping to have two teams. The Fordham University advantage of having two teams is that, as the program gets farther 155 West 60 Street #6H3 along, a tier A-team will have expe- rienced members, and a tier B-team will have an entry level membership. New York, NY 10023 It will be a very expensive commit- ment. The university pays for travel, accommodations, textbooks and coaches," said Pollak. According to Dr. Beck, "the team Many, many thanks in has come a long way in such a short time, and with the talent that we have, I think the team will become a major competitor in the very near future. Our students are dedicated, smart and willing to learn, and we are looking forward to a winning record!" • April 12,2002 News page 5 Ford ham Catholic Students Remain Faithful

Despite Church Scandal (continued from page 1) Catholic students at Fordham remain lems, many are questioning the continuance When asked if the scandals may prompt Tueth explained how the scandal has resolute in their support of the Church. of an all-male, celibate priesthood. At the removal of celibacy, Rev. Robert Grimes caused "pain and sadness" for him and his "My faith will not be shaken because cer- Fordham, several students, priests, and pro- S.J., Dean of Fordham College at Lincoln fellow priests. "Most of us are trying to live tain humans made terrible mistakes," fessors express hope that the scandal may Center, said that he "suspects not" up to the demands of our vows as honestly said Joey Casale, FCLC '03. "I don't prompt a closer examination of the require- Plunkett-Dowling also said she doubts and maturely as we can. But none of us think priests are divine." ment of celibacy for Roman Catholic that the scandal will lead to the removal of claims to be perfect We feel called by God "My faith will always be the same. Just priests. the promise of celibacy. "The church has to the priesthood, and we count on God to like all institutions, there will be the trust- Rev. Micheal Tueth SJ. explained that never taken action on the basis of last week's help us live up to the promises we make," he worthy individuals, as well as the corrupt celibacy has not always been the rule for headlines," she explained. "I think that peo- said. individuals," explained Viviana Londono, priests. "It only became a universal rule in ple overseas regard this act as a problem Many Fordham students, priests, and pro- FCLC '03. s "People have to realize that the the 12th century, and it can certainly be within the American church." fessors see in the current crisis a chance for wrongful acts of several priests doesn't rep- changed." Although the Vatican has long perceived positive changes in the church. Although resent the whole," she said. "Rabbis, Protestant ministers and other child sex abuse by priests "an American there is disagreement on what those specific Rev. Damian O'Connell S.J., Assistant clergy are married and seem to serve their problem," the scandal has had a worldwide changes should be, there is a general consen- Director of Campus Ministry, said that there congregations quite effectively; perhaps we impact on the Catholic Church. In January, sus that there should be greater openness has been an increase in attendance at need to look at that option for the Roman the Catholic Church in Ireland agreed to a within the church. Wednesday night Mass at St. Paul's Catholic clergy as well," suggested Tueth. $110 million payment to children abused "The church needs to view Hie world with Church. He said that the scandal is not "Indirectly, I do believe that the scandal by clergy over decades, according to The a more open mind," said Colletti. "What I causing people "to re-think their faith in will lead to the removal of the promise of New York Times. find most problematic is that what the church Christ and in the church." celibacy," said O'Connell. Sexual abuse cases involving cover-ups is denying are its views on sexuality, specifi- The Hartford Courant on March 17 Several students feel that the promise of have also been reported in England, France, cally homosexuality, birth control, etc," he reported excerpts of sealed documents that celibacy should be optional for Catholic and Australia, among other countries, report- explained. indicate that New York Archbishop, Cardinal priests. ed The New York limes. "The Catholic Church should minimize Edward M. Egan had allowed priests "I think that the promise of celibacy plays The scandal has hurt and traumatized the its problems by greater openness and a wide accused of sexually abusing children to con- an important function in the church. I think church's faithful, threatened the church's conversation that includes multiple voices," tinue working while he was bishop of the that if you're willing to develop celibacy, it's moral authority, and damaged the credibili- said Theology Professor Aristotle Roman Catholic diocese in Bridgeport, a strong decision and a strong choice," ty of many church leaders. Beyond the Papanikolaou. "We should consider being Conn., according to . explained Colletti. Although he believes mat laity, the revelations have had a major agents of change." The documents also indicate that Egan the promise should not be abolished, he impact on all of the other priests within the While it is too early to predict the ultimate neglected to report the allegations of abuse to strongly feels that a priest should have the Catholic Church that were not involved in ramifications of the sexual abuse scandal that criminal authorities. Cardinal Egan left option to not be celibate. this scandal. Several Jesuit professors at has rocked the Catholic Church, it is clear Bridgeport to become archbishop of New "The Catholic Church really needs to Fordham voiced their grief over the crisis. that the church has a strong and very loyal York in 2000. make some changes," explained Casale. "We are all very saddened by it, and we following. The church is an institution mat The unwavering support for the church She said that the church should begin by are concerned about the scandal undermin- has provided people in our society with spir- does not necessarily extend to the church making the "promise of celibacy optional ing the church's teaching authority," said itual guidance for hundreds of years. The leaders, however. Since the disclosures, for priests." Rev. Frank Golden SJ. faith and devotion of its millions of members many Catholics at Fordham University, from Some priests and professors at Fordham, "It's extremely depressing," said Grimes. provides the Catholic Church with just the students to professors, have voiced their however, do not believe that the scandal will "So much of priestly ministry depends on strength and support that it will certainly anger and' disbelief of the reports that lead to the abolishment of celibacy. trust," he added. need to overcome this controversy. • Cardinal Egan had mishandled sexual abuse allegations against priests. "It was definitely his moral and legal responsibility as a religious leader of a large a community to inform the public of such < twisted acts," said Lovono, FCLC '03. "His role," she added, "should not only be as a religious leader, but as a friend who helps out people in times of need." oo '1 think that the problem is the way the oe hierarchy has responded," explained Theology Professor Regina Plunkett- Dowling. Bishops and priests "have to CO report all the allegations to law enforce- o ments," she said Before January, the church had managed to keep most of the legal cases involving Think Intro to Web Programming (CSBU 1450)porma, m priests abusing children out of the court sys- Psychology of Music (PSLU 4303), or Life on Planet tem. Although there have been several pub- licized trials, the majority of the cases have Earth (BIRU 1000). These and more than 200 other been settled with little fanfare. Now, as the courses are available this summer at Fordhatn. Catch accusations continue, the church will lose up, get ahead in the core or in your field of study, or some of its legal protections. take an elective that sparks your interest. Only 19 states require clergy to report Earn credit for your summer reading! allegations or suspicions of sexual abuse against minors to civil authorities, according to Time magazine. Many bishops across the country have pledged to report any new alle- gations to civil authorities. However, in New York, Cardinal Egan says that he will report abuse charges to police only if the victims agree and he feels there is "reasonable cause" to believe them, Session I: May 28-June 27 • Session II: July 1-August 1 according to Time magazine This approach has drawn criticism from observers. "I do not agree that it should be up REGISTER VIA OASIS OR FASTR 1841 to the victim to decide, and I am not com- fortable with the clergy making the decision if the case is appropriate or not," said Plunkett-Dowling. As Catholics across the country are won- PORDIIAM* www.fortlham.edu/sumrner dering how the church can solve its prob- Commentar April 12, 2002

Twin The Observer Beams Spark Editor-in-Chief Paul Hagen Managing Editor Kristen Sardis

News Editor Katie Jennings Hope •Associate News Editor Eric M. Andersson say let us accept these symbols as a rep- Commentary Editor Jennifer Schiavone resentation of the everlasting spirit pf Assoc. Commentary Ed. Steven Lemongello humanity. Despite the need to mourn and Assist. Commentary Ed. Chloe Pashman heal, we should not lose track of reality. s Life goes on, and we must continue to Arts Editor Beata Loyfman ByMarkKats,FCLC'O2 search for what the permanent memorial I love, the true world capital, New York. Associate Arts Editor Cynthia Rodriguez will eventually become. I believe we It strikes me that, in a way, the lights They shot up through the manmade must put aside our conflicting ideas of have fulfilled many aspects ofthe build- Features Editors Lisa de Ribere Larkin city of skyscrapers: two beams of pale what should replace the Twin Towers, ings they are meant to symbolize. For Lauren QuigJey light piercing deeply into the abyss of the just for this brief period, so that united those of you who want the towers rebuilt Co- Vox Editors Chris Monfette dark sky as if they were bound for the we can appreciate the "Twin Towers of even higher to show our unity and Brooke Whitley ultimate destination. The 88 high pow- Light" for all that they truly are: strength, what could be more significant, emblems of a blessed nation, strong, ered searchlights strategically positioned in a physical and spiritual way, than these Sports Editor Ryan Dever to represent the World Trade Center enduring, an image of resilience with its rays of light? Certainly this is not a per- buildings seemed a fitting tribute to what spirits held high. manent solution to what must become a Copy Editor Barbara McAlpine once was not only the heart of New As I was driving on the New Jersey long lasting memorial, befitting the enor- York's, and America's business district, Turnpike with a clear view ofthe beams mous scale of the tragedy; but we can Photography Editor Rita Brunelli but that of the entire world. The six- towering over the city, I realized just how certainly accept this symbolic gesture as month anniversary of the event that stole well these two rays of light were doing something utterly positive and worth- Graphic Design Editors Carrie Lam our innocence, as well as our confidence their job as temporary monuments to the while, at least for the sake of those still Lisa Vim in our impenetrability as a nation, was American tragedy. After all, in some reeling from the shock of 9/11. Assist. Graphics Editor Hellen Lee solemnly commenced on Monday, March mealurable way I got a piece of my heart On the six-month anniversary of Graphic Designers Anna Hurley H by a 12 year old orphan, Valerie Webb. and soul back as the night skyline became 9/11, some are reliving the blow those Michele Sanchez Nydia Streets The beams, which can still be seen somewhat filled again. The light seems two planes dealt to New York City, but soothing to me as it resurrects at least a from many points in and around the city, as they gaze into the night, they can now Online Editor Tatiana Deligiannakis represent what I hope is only the begin- « part of what has been taken away, for I discover two beacons of hope amidst ning of a tribute worthy ofthe more than can once again distinguish the outline of the dark. Indeed, two beams of bluish Business Manager Josephine Trombino 2,800 human beings savagely cut down a beautiful metropolis. This identifiable light shoot up as ghosts ofthe buildings amidst their peaceful existence. We lost a measurement, previously from the that were, grim reminders serving a Faculty Advisor Dr. Elizabeth Stone treasured symbol of bur achievements in Empire State Building to the WTC, I now temporary role in never allowing us to Graphics Advisor Dawn Eshelman the collapse" of those towers. If these accept as a luxurious gift that connects forget the day we lost our innocence and beams of light help us cope and heal, I and directs me to the very heart ofthe city countrymen. • American Woman! island shared by Haiti and the Dominican I'm 100% American. I grew up watching Republic), we were also the people the "Thundercats" and "Smurfs" while eating French and Spanish conquistadors raped "too much cereal for breakfast," my All members of the Fordham com- and pillaged, and the African slaves they Dominican-born family has cried. So I'm munity are welcome to submit letters to imported there afterwards. 200% because each part does not function the editor of The Observer, the indepen- But why should I have to explain without the other and each is just as much dent student newspaper of Fordham myself? Why isn't it just settled with, a part of my heart. College at Lincoln Center, New York, "I'm American"? Is it because when the I'm American, much to the dismay of a NY. Address all letters to the editor to: plane headed towards the Dominican pop culture that still might convince Letters to the Editor Republic crashed down in Queens this many that American exclusively means The Fordham Observer past year, I felt doubly pained losing White-Anglo-Saxon-Protestant. If I'd 113 West 60th St. Room 408 those Americans and Dominicans alike? never set foot on New York City soil, I New York, NY 10023 Is it because with my short, curly black would still have been American, snug and Letters to the editor may also be sub- hair and a skin tone that ever-so-slightly strong between North America and South mitted via campus mail and should be hints at all my ancestors, I am constantly America in the Dominican Republic. And addressed to: The Observer, Rm., 408, Peter Gwilllm Kroltler/Reutere mistaken for being bi-racial, half-white, I'm not saying that I'm any better, or any Lowenstein. By Darisa Diaz "Why is it that whenever I say I'm American, it is almost I was born on July, 31,1980 at Harlem Hospital in New York, New York in the inevitably followed by the question, "No, seriously, what are you?" good old US of A. So why is it that every ork. New York. time I say I'm American, I feel like I've half-black, half-Hispanic, half-Israeli.... worse, than any American whose family made a cultural, ethnic and geographical But I'm not half of anything! In the has been here one century or one year. faux pas? Why is it that whenever I say Dominican Republic, they tell me I'm an But two languages lie comfortably on the I'm American, it is almost inevitably fol- "Americanita." In America, they tell me tip of my tongue. And there are two graphics, photographs, headlines and lowed by the question," "No, seriously, I'm Dominican, or they quite kindly places I can home. Two flags flared patri- subheadlines. and cartoons, arc those ol what are you?" allow me to refer to myself as a hyphen- otically in my heart and both are red, the indi\ idtuil contributor and or editor What am I? Last time I checked, I am ate, Dominican-American. But I'm not white and blue. as redblooded as every other American half of anything! Not half-American. Not So am I American to you? Have I he Lditorial Board or l-'i woman, and just as much of a mutt! half-Dominican. I mean, I'm not half a passed the test? Am I American- ;i\ he reproduced without the Okay, so I know where my ancestors woman because I cut off all my hair so American...whatever that means? My ^pressed, written consent of The why should I be half of anything when passport announces that I am American came from, while many other Americans hsener Lditoruil Hoard. Letters to the have long forgotten. My mother and I'm two things at once? whenever I enter a foreign country, father are both natives ofthe Dominican I'm 200%. That's right, 200%. I'm including the Dominican Republic. But he addressed to: The Observer Ldilorial Republic. Raised in New York City, they 100% Dominican. I've felt the warm if that's what it takes to convince you, if Board. Fordham College at Lincoln passed on a great love for English litera- sands of the Dominican Republic crin- I have to prove myself to you and to (enter. 113 West fiOth Street. Uoom ture as well as rice and beans. Before that, kled between the crevices of my toes. I've everyone every day, like that, maybe •IDS. New York. New York 10023 or we were not only the "Indians" that had plaintains for breakfast, lunch and you have forgotten what being lased lo (212) 63d-7IM7. I'lione: (212) Columbus discovered on Hispanola (the dinner for as long as I can remember. And American means. • April 12, 2002 Commentary The Church: No Longer a Place to Hide

bisexual- and wouldn't turn into some kind of controversy such as a ban to keep getting away with that? The pedophiles with an unhealthy obsession on marchers in parades, or a play about answer: the lasting specter of Church with children. a gay christ-like figure attracting pro- Tradition, that even stays with those That's why repealing the vow of testers, or some stupid attempt to piss who have left the Church. The hierarchy ' celibacy for priests and allowing them to off the Church with artwork like a cru- is just too powerful and authoritative, marry would not end the problem, not by cifix in a jar of urine. Everybody wins, and this kind of cover-up was just too a long shot. First of all, pedophile priests everybody gets publicity with matters unimaginable , even for the Church's just would not marry anyway, probably like that. This pedophilia issue is not greatest detractors. This has nothing to along with the majority of good priests mere controversy to give people on both do with respecting Tradition; this has to who would be too traditional to end two sides a reason to shout and act self- do with completely corrupting it until thousand years of celibacy. Secondly, it righteous; this is a crime of immense the word no longer has meaning. Joyce wouldn't matter if pedophiles did marry, proportions. The New York Times and others may have had some bad they are pedophiles, clear and simple. reports that "dioceses have reached memories of their Catholic upbringing, Having a wife and, God forbid, children more than 1,000 settlements in cases but their problems were nothing com- won't stop their behavior. A pedophile involving sexual abuses by priests, pared to the thousands of molested chil- priest on his wedding day won't sit back many of them sealed." The Hartford dren whose trust in adults, their religion, and think to himself that he had no more Courant reports that Cardinal Egan, and themselves were not gradually need to molest childrens-the -desire to while heading the Diocese of Hartford, weakened, but suddenly and horribly molest children is his disease, and no Connecticut, allowed several priests ripped away from them forever. The supposed bond of matrimony will facing sex-abuse charges to continue Church bears a responsibility; let's see change that. But at least a repeal of working for years. What allowed them what they do. • celibacy is an attempt at some kind of solution; the Catholic Church has Cardinal Egan condemns actions of abuse. instead for years tried to ignore the prob- A Major Decision By Steven Lemongello, FCLC'03 lem of abuse and tidily sweep it under the rug. By Jesni Kampil, FCLC'05 the rest of us, the core requirements Imagine you are a child molester, an Now, I personally am not Catholic, include 3 English classes, 2 theology individual so deranged and disturbed that and there still exists a hesitation among To my dismay, I realize that there is no classes, a math, two sciences, 2 history you cannot control your appetites. Where non-Catholics' to criticize the Church. such thing as getting a B.A. in being classes, and several socio/anthropologi- can you go, what can you do, short of This is in part because we don't want to Wonder Woman or She-ra. Fordham pro- cal classes as well as those that fulfill the turning yourself in? Is there a place seem to be criticizing the beliefs of oth- vides no courses on how to obtain an global studies requirement. Even with where you can find sanctuary, a position ers, and a large part of Catholic belief is invisible plane or super strength. Now I the core done or enrollment in a pre-pro- where your lack of a normal personal life directly tied to the ancient, mysterious, have to rethink my entire goal in.,life. I fessional program, students have to have is never questioned? Where you would and ritualistic Traditions (with a capital remember all those days in elementary some previous insight into what the be in a position of authority, and have a "T") of the Church. Those reared in school when teachers would ask every future holds in store for them at least powerful hierarchy protecting you at all strong Catholic traditions have had those student to say what they wanted to be halfway through freshman year. Much costs? Fortunately for you, and unfortu- traditions completely hover over them when they grew'up. After realizing that research needs to be done first in order to nately for untold thousands of children, for the rest of their lives, even if they my childhood aspiration to become a determine what major is best for each of there is such a position, a post shrouded were to break away from and renounce superhero is impossible, I now must con- us. Some factors one must consider when in a haze of religion. them. Catholic artists ranging from sider something else. choosing a major are whether it is some- The role of a priest, despite the good James Joyce to Martin Scorcese all seem The pressure of having to choose thing the student likes or a major in and decent work of the vast majority of to follow a basic pattern: brought up in a majors is so frustrating, especially when which the student does well. With luck, them, is, suffice to say, almost tailored to deeply religious Catholic family; intro- one hasn't the slightest idea of what to maybe one can find something in which the needs of a pedophile. The vast major- duced to the ways and beliefs of the choose. This is a time when we are figur- one does well and enjoys at the same ity of pedophiles are men. They seek Church from the beginning; have the ing out who we are. Deciding a major time. positions where they would have much unquestioned truth and authority of the becomes a significant step in maturing as I have met several people that still interaction with and power over young Church imprinted upon them at an young adults. It was so great being a don't know what they are doing for their children. They wish to be safe from impressionable age; grow to question TOYS 'R1 US kid with everything decid- majors. So many of them have changed exposure and criticism. So a person who these traditions; completely rebel against ed for me. As a child I never imagined their majors around 5 times. As a result, had these inclinations, whether embrac- them at young adulthood; create several any farther than admission into a college, they were forced to stay in school longer ing them consciously or in a kind of works that criticize the parochialism and and having to figure out my future now is to fulfill requirements for their majors denial, could be drawn to a position like teachings of the Church while at the just a scary thought. Perhaps something and then pay more of Fordham's tuition the priesthood. How would we know if a same time still being deeply rooted in the that is useful for helping to guide all of us by having to graduate later than expect- priest-in-training were actually pretend- culture of Catholicism ("Portrait of an in this "soul-searching" is the core cur- ed. There's absolutely no more time to ing for his own benefit to adhere to the Artist", "Mean Streets", "The Last beliefs of the Church, or forcing himself Temptation of Christ"). Denouncements "To my dismay, I realize that there is no such thing against his nature to attempt to believe in of teachings on topics ranging from sex the tenets of the Church? With no evi- to marriage to sin exist beside a fascina- as getting a B.A. in being Wonder Woman or She-ra. dence, how could we tell one of these tion with ritual, death, and an eternal people apart from those who are not in guilt that has been with them from child- Fordham provides no courses on how to obtain an danger of abusing the role of a priest? hood. No matter how far they have got- The inability to distinguish between ten away from the Catholic Church, they invisible plane or super strength." honest candidates for the priesthood and can never truly detach themselves from those who would abuse the position has it, and this manifests itself in a continual riculum. The core is excellent for expos- experiment with classes after the first to be the explanation for the incredible enumeration of what they see to be the ing us to all different fields of interest. It semester of freshman year. We just have amount of child-abusing priests that have failings of the Church, so much so that it is ultimately, however, up to each student to know what we are doing as soon as we been revealed to the world in the past few seems to be overkill. Criticizing to finally choose the major that is right can manufacture some idea and just get months, adding to the great number that Catholicism is as much a tradition for for him or her. our degree so we can work after college have been revealed over the last few Catholics as Catholic Tradition itself, and The policy for deciding majors at to pay off loans. decades. The only other explanation this results in the hesitation from non- FCLC is that you must declare your As of now, I am most probably a psy- would be that religious, devout men, Catholics to criticize the Church: major at least by March of sophomore chology major and business minor with after caring so much about the Church Catholics themselves are criticizing it year. At the same time, students must ful- enrollment in the teaching certification and its followers that they would devote plenty, so there seems to be no pressing fill the core, which basically ends program- the next best thing to being a their entire lives to God, could be so need to intrude on in-house matters. around the same time. There are those superhero. Although I am grief stricken overcome by their positions and their This growing scandal, however, sim- who are fortunate enough to be able to that there was no major in super heroism, celibacy that they would just develop ply cannot be ignored. The Church, cer- fulfill some of the core with AP credits I can hopefully somehow have a chance into pedophiles without warning. That tainly not for the first time in its history, and so have to take fewer core classes. of pursuing my superhero career with my strikes me as absurd; celibacy does not is abusing its power so greatly that any Some students are also part of pre-pro- combination of a major, minor and teach- cause someone to change their sexual hesitations by outsiders to attack its fessional programs (such as the pre-med ing license. I'll be the superhero with a identity. If celibacy begins to seriously rigid, powerful hierarchy should cease. and BFA programs), which have required degree. The only other thing I would chafe on a healthy person, they would be This is not the usual case of political specialized classes. These students need with that is a mask covering just my overcome by thoughts and feelings in and cultural disagreements over matters already have their futures planned out for eyes to totally alter my identity like line with their previous sexual identity- such as birth control, or abortion, or the themselves and they take classes toward Batgirl, and I'll be ready to save the day! whether heterosexual, homosexual, or acceptance of gays, that usually lead to their major starting in freshman year. For Commentary April 12, 2002 page 8 Bloomberg Skimps on the Environment

in me, but it seems that anyone who feels anyone in the city or anywhere in we can is naive and foolish. We are only America if we cannot breathe the air or hurting ourselves if we keep passing over travel twenty miles without seeing an environmental issues and ignoring prob- ugly, dirty landfill? After careful calcu- lems that exist in this area. What good lations, my answer is not a whole hell of will that extra money in the budget do a lot. • US Involvement in Columbia: Overstepping the Boundary of Right and Reason

By Bonnie Masiello vention is aimed at the eradication of drugs through such procedures as fumi- In 1964, the longest-running and gation, it is a complete waste of time and deadliest civil war in Latin America resources. It is common sense that as began in Columbia, but the heat is rising long as demand persists, someone will to new levels as the United States ups its produce- if not in Columbia, then else- involvement and as peace negotiations where. Moreover, the people being pun- between the Revolutionary Armed ished are the poor coca farmers, who REUTERS/Beth A. Kalaer Forces of Columbia (FARC) and the have no other means of survival, not the Mayor Bloomberg ponders the elimination of glass, metal, and plastic recycling in NYC. Colombian government fail to yield drug lords and politicians who reap the By: Chloe Pashman, FCLC'02 ness man all the way, and a damn good results. profits. one at that, but many problems cannot be Columbia's government is a democra- The current president of Columbia, Why would any political leader take solved with mathematical solutions. Our cy, but a small group of wealthy people Andres Pastrana, has worked to secure a away a process that serves .the public environment needs to be taken care of no has been ruling it for generations, nurtur- peace with the rebels, a move that has good and in which many Americans will- matter what the cost, and the most effec- ing the ever-widening gap between rich had wide social support. Three years ago, ingly participate? Yes, you did read that tive way to do that is by involving citi- and poor, the war basically pits this cor- Pastrana gave the FARC a demilitarized question correctly, and the process I am zens across the country and encouraging ruption-riddled government against two zone as a haven in return for their referring to is the recycling of waste. them to be responsible for the waste they leftist guerilla groups, the major one promise to participate in peace talks. But Recently elected Mayor Michael produce. Recycling is one of the ways being the FARC. The FARC began as a as the hope of such peace dwindles, the Bloomberg is considering eliminating that everyday people can reduce waste peasant movement, but is now consid- U.S. has dropped its anti-narcotics the required recycling of glass, metal, that ultimately damages the environ- ered one of the biggest and best armed rhetoric and begun its implementation of and plastic, as it does not fit into his bud- ment, thus contributing to the public guerilla forces in the world. They control "Plan Columbia", which is a $1.3 billion get. Paper will, of course, continue to be good, with minimal inconvenience, cost, the vast jungles and swamps of southern package between the U.S. and recycled as it "generates revenue for and effort on the part of each individual Columbia, about two-fifths of the coun- Colombian governments to get rid of the New York City." citizen. try, and number about 12,000 troops, not guerillas. To this writer, Plan Columbia The recent article addressing this issue The article mentions that people's including a reserve force that may double seems like a brainless attempt by our in the New York Times refers back to the behaviors have changed since the 70's, that number. These "Marxist rebels" have fearless leaders to eradicate "the evil" in culture of the 70's, a decade in which with one example being that more bever- many Americans became involved with ages are consumed outside of the home "If US intervention is aimed at the eradication of drugs through such and interested in bringing environmental and thus more of those containers are issues and problems to the attention of thrown out right then and there. procedures as fumigation, it is a complete waste of time and resources." the public. The author mentions the first However, many public establishments Earth Day, celebrated in 1970, which throughout New York City in which peo- seemingly benevolent aims: more social the world. More level-headed analysts began the program of recycling. This ple drink these beverages provide sepa- investment in rural areas, political have pointed out that in Columbia the permeated a surprisingly large number of rate bins for glass or other materials, so reform, and a redefinition of the coun- division between the good and the "evil" Americans' minds, and thus found its the separation process can still be carried try's natural resources policy- particular- is not so clear cut. Indeed, 80 percent of way into their daily grinds. Over the past out. In the next paragraph, the problem ly with regard to oil exploration and the Columbia's human rights violations are thirty years, recycling has become main- of a lack of space for landfills is role of foreign multinationals in perpetrated by right wing paramilitaries, stream, and people often toss that bottle addressed, and the author notes that this Columbia. who have definite ties to the Colombian or stack of computer paper into the may "prove to be recycling's best hope In all probability, Fordham's more lib- army, while the other IS percent are appropriate bin or container without a for a resurgence." It seems to me that the eral students (such as those who are anti- attributed to guerillas. The paramilitary second thought. If Americans are helping latter is a stronger argument for the con- globalization and environment-crazed) groups also have links to the drug trade, the environment in any small way, and if tinuance of recycling in the city and else- are charmed by this guerilla movement, making a farce out of U.S. attempts to they are aware of the benefits of their where than the former is a reason why it but the war between the groups is not as . stamp it out. actions on any level, something miracu- should be eliminated. Yes, Americans' clear cut as the issues they bring to the The sense of crisis is definitely grow- lous has been achieved. behaviors have .changed, in some ways table. The methods of the FARC are ing as the FARC gains power and refus- I understand the difficult position the for the better. One positive change is that sometimes brutal; it finances its war by es to negotiate with the Colombian gov- new Mayor has found himself in, with recycling has become a "habit," as noted "taxing" the cocaine and heroine trade ernment, but American intervention is the calamities of September 11 taking a by a California history professor and that exists, within the region; in return, it neither right nor is it within sound rea- toll on everything from the city budget to eco-psychologist quoted in the article; provides security and safe transportation son. It is not our place to fight the world economy. However, doing why should we eliminate this helpful for coca farmers, drug refiners, and Columbia's civil war, especially in light away with recycling of certain materials habit in New York City? smugglers. Many claim that FARC is of the fact that the paramilitaries have because it doesn't financially help the Bloomberg simply has to find a way directly involved in the trade itself. It recently been placed on the list of terror- city is absurd. I am not an environmental to fit the recycling of all types of materi- also raises money from kidnapping and ist organizations. Perhaps most scary are expert by any means, and the article does als into the city's budget. I am sure there extortion. According to their Marxist ide- the Republican supporters sounding hint that recycling may not be helping as is a way to do this, and if anyone can fig- ology, the end justifies the means. anachronistic alarms tinged with Cold much as people once thought it did. If ure it out, it is the successful business- Over the past few years, the US has War rhetoric, warning about the threat of that is the case, it would be a different man himself. I find it disturbing, howev- sent billions of dollars of military aid to a Maoist state in our geopolitical back- matter altogether, though I don't see how er, that anyone can trivialize the issue of Columbia to help its government wipe yard, which could then infect neighbor- recycling could possibly not be benefi- the state of our environment, by suggest- out drug trafficking, which is, essentially, ing nations like Venezuela. It would be cial. Nonetheless, this is not a numbers ing that it is too expensive to take care of to help it destroy FARC. According to more effective to warn that the U.S. is game, it is one that involves the future of the Earth. There is no price that can be statistics, Columbia produces 80 percent slowly sliding into a jungle quagmire not our planet, something worth splurging placed on the land, air, and water of our of the world's cocaine supply and nearly unlike the one that proved so disastrous for, if you ask me. Bloomberg is a busi- planet. Maybe it is the Native American half of its heroine supply. But if US inter- for the nation in Vietnam. • ApriM2, 2002 Features April Fish! Operation Runaway How It All Started FCLC Student Stages By Giovanna Maria Tuttolomondo, FCLC'02 Daring Rescue Mission You are walking with your friend, when all of sudden, she yells, "Watch out!" You abruptly stop in your tracks, scoping the area around you, trying des- perately to determine what exactly the commotion is, Seeing nothing unusual, you glance back at your friend, only to see her smile and childishly mock, "April Fool's!" Feeling foolish, you resist the urge to throw her into traffic and secretly curse the person who invented this "holiday." So what is the history behind this day when everyone, whether young or old, devotes their time to playing jokes and prancing around in an absolutely undignified manner? April Fool's Day, sometimes called, "All Fool's Day," originated in France. Up until 1562, the New Year was cele- brated for eight days in the last week of March , and ended on April first. But in 1562, the Gregorian Calender was intro- duced, and the New Year was moved to January first. Many people—because in that time news did not travel as quickly, or simply because they were unaware of the newly established New Year's All in the Family Day—continued to celebrate the New Year on April 1. These people, labeled By Darisa Diaz, FCLC '02 insurance cards, and passports are essen- "fools," were subject to ridicule and tial, even if you're not running away to a sent on "fools errands," thus beginning Friday night I kidnapped my little sis- foreign country. Getting them later can the evolution of prank playing. Children . www.mcphtQ.convstoiwnt h8tory«htrn I ter. Well, perhaps "kidnapped" is not the be a pain. also took part in the jokes. To them, this Archie Mcphee Hides Behind Paper Fish right word, considering that my sister An escape plan is also important. I day, on April First, was known as packed for the occasion. Let me explain. don't' subscribe to that whole cartoon "Poisson d'Avril," or "April Fish Day" In Italy, 'Tesce d' Aprile, or "Fish Having had just about enough of our idea of leaving home with a little knap- because at that time of year the sun was day," is celebrated as in France. mother's demons, (yes, the kind Bufry sack on a stick. Very passe". To run away in the zodiac sign of Pieces, the fish. In Children in Italy also tape pictures of stakes,) and especially sick of the voices in style one must enlist the help of some school, children would tape a picture of fish on people's backs. Italian people, in her head, (yes, I said the voices in my friends, find a getaway car (preferably a fish on a classmate's back, and that because they just love their food so mother's head,) my sister had decided not stolen, but it doesn't have to be classmate would be mocked all day much, take the day a step further and the best idea was to get .out when she yours), and carry plastic bags (for the long. This tradition is similar to the find ways to incorporate "Fish Day" could—as soon as she could. So Friday body of course). Okay, I'm kidding. The "kick me" sign that is often taped to into daily activities. For instance, night, my 14-year-old sister decided to plastic bags are for all your good stuff- one's rear end. restaurants may offer a special "Fish run away. CDs to listen to in the getaway car, April Fool's Day spread to England Ravioli" dish, and parents will give their In my family, running away is a way snacks for your friends, etc. and Scotland in the 18thcentury. children chocolate fish (think chocolate of life, a tradition I have passed on to But, of course, this all depends on how However, Scotland's version of this day is covered gummy bears). generation after generation of sisters. I, much time you have. My mother had somewhat different from the French ver- Portugal, like Scotland, celebrates myself, ran away at seventeen just before gone out with my six-year-old "baby" sion. 'Taily Day," is celebrated for two April Fool's Day for two days. The holi- graduating from high school. And only half-sister when my 14-year-old sister days. The first day consists of sophisti- day begins on the Sunday before Lent and two weeks after my 18-year-old sister ran had decided she'd had enough. (Note continues until Monday night People away, my 14-year-old one decided to run here: My six-year-old sister by virtue of will throw flour at passers-by, or play away, too. being from another man is not evil like other embarrassing and messy jokes. My sister and I chatted via instant the three of us who ARE from the same! Other Latin countries like Colombia, messenger, rather innocently, about, of father. My mother actually took my 14- Peru, and Spain celebrate April Fool's course, boys, school, and running away. year-old Honor student sister to be exor- Day as well. However, it is celebrated Boys—"Oh-my-God, he is so cute so cised.) toward the end of December, as the New what if he doesn't know I'm alive" (me). With seconds on the clock, I had on Year approaches. Tricks, pranks, and School—"Oh-my-God, my teacher is so my hands the burden of mapping out a leaving chocolate fish on people's dumb" (her). And then I told my sister, quick escape plan for my little sister so I doorsteps are quite common on this day. "If things are bad, you know, you can enlisted friends. It just happened that that In India, during the "Holt-Spring" festi- leave at any time." She replied, "Okay, Friday night The Observer was being laid val, which marks the beginning of Spring how about right now?" out. I asked if I could borrow the Graphic at the end of March, people will entertain "Now?! You mean NOW!" To which Arts editors for a different type of mis- themselves by dressing in disguise and she calmly, (1 gathered over instant mes- sion all together—an emergency—and mocking others by playing jokes, scaring senger of course,) responded: 'Tes." I they agreed to come quickly. And so, lay- them, or leaving funny messages. was at work. It was probably around six out took a break while my sister packed Who would have thought that April or seven at night, because I was doing the at my mother's house. The apprehension Fool's Day was such a universal holi- night shift. (In other words, I was too I felt while riding the rescue vehicle day? Apparently, April Fool's is not lazy to get out of bed in the morning.) (ahem, the subway) with my friends on always as foolish a holiday as it seems. Consequently, I had about five seconds my way to "visit" my sister was lifted To some, it is a day to laugh, joke, feel to plan my sister's getaway operation, as when I ran into my ex-boyfriend. It was www.mcptiM.com/rtofWlWwtory.html stupid, and make others feel stupid. To I did, after all, want hers to be better than so ridiculous I had to laugh. Of course, Another Fish Joke others, it symbolizes a new beginning, a mine was. on this particular Friday night in a city of cated mental games. That is, saying, time for rejoicing, and an excuse to Running away from home IN STYLE millions, I had to run into my gay (yes, -"Your shoe is untied," or setting one's break away from the day-to-day hassles is difficult. There are things one forgets gay) first love with his boyfriend? The alarm clock an hour ahead. On the sec- of life and act silly and spontaneous. but should bring. For instance, socks. I last time I saw him was right before get- ond day, physical pranks, such as, "Kick Whatever the reason, it's always fun to ran away during the summer, in sandals, ting a restraining order against him near- me" signs* tickling, and other physical make April Fool's Day extra special and and so, of course I forgot socks. Birth ly four years ago. But hmm, that's anoth- jokes are carried out. spread some happiness I • certificates, social security cards, health er story for a (continued on page 10) Features April 12, 2002 page 10 Who Needs Gay TV? Coming Soon To A TV Near You, Two Gay TV Channels known that it feels underserved. In the Showtime, commercials will probably past few years, there has been increased not interrupt programs, or films in partic- programming which seemed to be feel- ular, but be grouped between programs ing out TV audiences' acceptance levels much in the way PBS programs. of gay-oriented material. Programs like Viacom's confidence in being able to sell "Ellen", "Will and Grace", "Sex and the this commercial airtime sends the mes- City", and most notably, Showtime's sage that the gay audience is ripe and own "Queer As Folk" and "Further Tales desirable to advertisers. From the City" have pushed story lines "It's the business model that makes and issues with a resounding success that sense at this time in the television envi- would not have been tolerated a decade ronment and for an idea like this to be ago. (Showtime broke ground in the 80's most successful," said Matt Farber, with the sitcom "Brothers", which had as President of Wilderness Media and its central dilemma a non-stereotypical Entertainment, former MTV executive, young, gay man whose brothers were and this project's manager for MTV. macho jocks.) More importantly, this "The gay and lesbian audience recog- show's succes resonated with the audi- nizes that while they are a big minority, ence these shows most wanted to please. it's still a niche service and if it's going to MTV's Matt Farber So much so that it is now safe to plunge be something that truly reflects them, it's Showtime's Gene Falk into the waters of a 24-hour channel for not going to be something that has the By Lisa de Ribere Larkin, FCLC '02 this specific audience. same appeal as Showtime or HBO—and nels can be piped into homes that have Also, the audience for this new chan- easily pays. They encourage and digital boxes. Therefore, a given channel In January of this year, a New York nel—the name has not yet been deter- embrace advertising sponsorship as a no longer has to serve a wide variety of Times article announced the intention of mined—has been targeted from a mar- part of this because they want to know viewing tastes. As a result, we see media giant, Viacom, to launch a brand keting aspect. The gay market is found who's supportive, who wants to connect Oxygen and WE for women, new cable channel aimed at the Gay and to be highly educated with a hefty dis- with them. It's an empowering and vali- Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network for Lesbian market. This channel will be a posable income, opinionated and expen- dating thing. From a business stand- kids, Ovation for lovers'of the arts, collaboration between two Viacom sub- sive taste, and a willingness to spend. point, it enables having two separate rev- Animal Planet for wildlife fans, the SciFi sidiaries, MTV Networks and Showtime It's a short hop to assessing its value in enue streams to support enough pro- Channel, the Food Channel, and more. Networks, both known for their creative the marketplace as considerable, to say gramming to make it a great service for This technology makes a Gay and and aggressive programming toward the least. To this end, the the audience." An added benefit is that Lesbian channel possible now, as diverse and specific niche audiences. Showtime/MTV venture will fund its the subscription component will mitigate opposed to five or ten years ago. On March 16, 2002, in conjunction channel with a hybrid of subscriptions protests by right wing conservatives In an interview, Gene Falk, Senior with the Gay and Lesbian Business Expo and advertising, an unusual move. because anyone watching the channel Vice President of Showtime's Digital at the Jacob Javitts Center, the New York Subscribers will pay $5. to $7. per month will have to choose and pay to do so. Media Group and the new channel's pro- Times Speaker Series, called "Times and will also see^ commercials. Thirdly, and perhaps most crucial, we ject manager, discussed possible pro- Talks", hosted a panel billed as "I Want According to Mark Greeriberg, are now in the digital age which makes it gramming -lor the nascent' channel. My Gay TV!" to discuss the new channel Executive Vice President of Corporate possible for a network to program to nar- "[There will be] independent films and before a sold-out, standing-room-only Strategy and Communications for row niche audiences. Many more chan- the kind of (continued on page 12) audience. What became clear very quickly was that the idea of a gay TV channel is one whose time has come. The only question was where is it com- ing from first? Operation Runaway Although the Viacom model has been under development since June 2001 and is FCLC Student Stages Daring Rescue Mission currently seeking distribution in the American market, a Canadian channel rainier day. utes before coming up (damn! damn! "Nah, no Chinese food, rescue opera- called Pridevision is already up and run- When I stepped into my grandmoth- damn!). For a second, I wondered if this tions always make me hungry, but I hate ning north of the border and announced at er's apartment, where my mother and sis- was the part where my mother was sup- takeout." Vehemently. "Really?" Times Talks that it will be available in the ters were staying, I realized that the last posed to burst out of the elevator, catch- Shocked. "Yea, it gives me indigestion." States within the year. Whether this news time I'd seen it was as I walked away. I'd ing us in our little rescue operation, only Trust me, so can running away in 15 min- worried Viacom representatives on the left my grandmother's apartment on bad to smite us out of existence. utes, much less running away period. We panel was not immediately evident. terms. She didn't want an unruly teenag- But luckily, she didn't. The "troops" were relieved to have escaped fairly Audience members however, were ecstatic. er in the house (translation for you: col- and I managed to get the hell out of the physically unscathed (if not emotionally "We are so ready for this," exclaimed lege student with a full scholarship and building within minutes. Oh, right, but unscathed) with our hides still intact. We a woman during the question and answer no vices), so she politely asked me to not before my sister—well mannered as laughed, unsettled by the seriousness of session, "Whichever one of you is on the leave (when I had nowhere to go). always—took the time to actually hold the situation. air first, I'm there!" Quickly upon arrival, I barked out orders the door open for a neighbor who was That night, I watched my little sister Panel member Stephanie Blackwood, to my sister and friends. "Pack. Hold the coming into the building. sleep. I had run away when she was ten. At an expert in selling to exclusively gay elevator. Hail a cab. Grab that bag. Quickly. And then there was the getaway car. 14, she already almost looked like* a markets, discussed the change in how Now. Run." I tried to be serene in an other- What getaway car? How many people in woman. I thought, "She is safe. For now." this new entertainment venue is now wise insane situation. The apartment, do you know who own cars? Days later, my mother retaliated by show- viewed. "We are on the cusp of change," already a mess, was slowly developing a None of us did. We couldn't move all the ing up at her school to harass her. My sister Blackwood said. "Before, we were hear- more crowded living room area as we stuff to the subway without possibly run- bravely refused to see her, but had to tell ing- what people want. Well, forget i moved everything closer to the exit .nearby. ning into my mother, or becoming our story—the stories about metal cups, want my gay TV.' People are now saying We were working against the clock. My unbearably exhausted, so we tried to hail demons, voices and other things we'd only they need it. There is now a consumer mother, my sister said, had left a message a cab. And then, another cab. And then a1 ever talked about among ourselves, too NEED." "Need" was probably the single only moments before, saying that she might third cab. And even a fourth cab. Until a scared to tell authorities, too scared to be strongest point being made by the panel be on her way home. I hadn't seen my big mini-van cab decided to give our separated from the only thing we felt we members, Ms. Blackwood, Gene Falk and mother for four years, nor did I care to now. peace of mind a chance. had, each other. Kim Lemon of Showtime Networks, Matt Something about her blindsiding me with a I can't imagine what the cabbie Today, I have responded to the first Farber of MTV Networks, and Michael thick metal cup to the head (which luckily, thought as we talked among ourselves call that the Administration for Serapio of Pridevision. The event was or unluckily landed at my elbow) just took during Our "getaway" drive. "Well, Children's Services has left on my moderated by New York Times' advertis- all the fun out of hanging out with her. troops, everyone still got all their mar- answering machine. There's an investi- ing columnist, Stuart Elliott. In less than IS minutes of scrambling bles?" Seriously. "Just barely, fearless gation now because my sister has refused Several confluent elements have been around the apartment we had gathered all leader!" "Fearless, my ass." Smiles. "So to see my mother, and because she told instrumental in propelling the success of my sister's favored possessions. We then now that I ran away, what's for dinner?" them everything. Now, we all have to an idea for a television channel aimed at proceeded to move it all into the hallway "Dunno, where should we order from? come clean. My sisters. Me. But mostly, the gay audience. One of these elements in front of the elevator (thank god!), Chinese? My treat." "But you're broke." my mother, about why three little girls is the audience itself, which has made which decided to take another IS min- Shrugs. "And you're not?" More shrugs. were too scared to stay at home. • April 12, 2002 Features Interview With Steve Colbert By Lauren Quigley, FCLC '02 I went to two different colleges. I started out repair-man « in a college in Southwest Virginia called Yeah I was horrible, horrible. "Hie Daily Show" with Jon Stewart has Hampton-Sydney. It was an all male col- become a staple of many college students' lege started by Patrick Henry and very con- So what makes you think that you're television diets. One of the show's most servative. I was a philosophy major. I did funny? popular correspondents and sometimes two years of that and sort of lost my mind. I don't necessarily think I'm funny. guest host, is , who recent- And thenl went to Northwestern University. ly agreed to give usJnterview. Colbert dis- I was a theater major there. ' How did you decide that comedy was cussed his start with "", his What was your fist job after college? the way to go? career as a futon maker, and his love for a My first job out of college. I made futon They were paying me for it When I went girl named Digression.. frames in my own basement That wasn't to Northwestern I wanted to be Hamlet, like stereotypical for someone who wanted to be every actor does. I woreblack. I had a black What was your most challenging pro- an actor. It was my girlfriend's idea. I put shirt and beard, long hair. I was a poet- fessional experience? flyers all over Northwestern. 7000, 8000 slash-jerk. Working on "The Dana Carvey Show", hrtpr/Avww.comedycenfral.com people all of whom had futons. My flyer • because they wanted me to do impressions. said "get that futon off the flooU'11 build Was it a beard or a goatee? I had purposely never done impressions, Learn to love the bomb. Learn to love the you a frame." I charged 150 dollars, half the It was a beard, but the goatee was the because I thought everybody does impres- bomb. I had this director at Second City, only part mat was really very thick .It was a sions. I don't want to do impressions.Then I which is the theaterl worked at in Chicago, whatever. I would go to the futon store and full beard mat I just let grow. Back when I got the job, and they were like you have to and he advised me...by the bomb he meant draw designs based on what I saw. I would was a college kid if I grew a goatee it would do impressions. Actually they were like failure. Learn not just to tolerate it or be just write down how they made them. I just make me look like a villain. "who do you do?" I do no one. They said, looked to see what they had done. It was And so I really wanted to be a dramatic "come on who do you do?" And I said just feeling once you learn to love failing; you're incredibly successful. And I made them in actor and did drama, I kept on. I worked "who do you want me to do?" So they not afraid to be on stage. If you win, if you my basement And theycalled, they said with mis theater called Second City in would just write tilings, like today we want "how much, ISO?" and I'd say okay I'll Chicago, because I liked to improvise and it you to do Geraldo Rivera and tomorrow we a great time. make it But they were the worst pieces of was an improvisational theater. And I kept want you to do Tom Brokaw, or Peter What was your very first job? shit in the world. They were absolutely on quitting to go do straight theater, or leanings, or Gregory Peck, or Oliver Stone. My very first job was working construc- deadly. I'm surprised I didn't kill anybody "avaunt garde" or store-front theater. And Oliver Stow was the hardest So I would tion. I was in high school and I spent the with them. ' • ' >no one was paying me for that People kept stay up all night long 'with video tapes of summer working. I actually ended up tear- paying me real union green (continued on these people and a mirror next to the TV ing out ceilings and walls and tearing out So there was no lawsuits? page XX) and try to capture a quality of them. That fibenjlass insulation: It was the itchiest No, no lawsuits, but I did-get a call from backs to make mem laugh. Sol-said "who was the hardest thing I have ever done. work possible. someone at midnight He said it just fell am I kidding? I have more fun doing com- apart So I came over to the guys house and edy, people enjoy me more and they're pay- Did you go to college and what was I fixed it at midnight ing me.So I gave into it, I forgave myself. What was the best advice you ever your major? I don't necessarily think I'm the funniest received? Well I started offkinda doodling around. So you were a futon maker sbuh- guy in the room (continued on page 13) Being the April Fool Sometimes a Cruel Joke is Worth It

By Hayley Cammarata, FCLC '04 to walk right by them and go up to my The following\day my dad's friend, a brand new room. We had just re-done carpenter, came in with blueprints for the As a middle child, I suppose you our house, and after sharing a room "new room." I moved\a big down com- could say I grew up with that certain with my little sister for 8 years, this forter with lots of pillows and other nec- syndrome many middle children suffer was heaven to me. Even though every- essary items for my new living space, and from. I am sure all of my fellow middle one had brand new furniture and bed- put up a sign saying anyone with the children will agree, calling it "middle spreads, and I still had my old ones, the name Nick, Cyd, Linda, or Vinny was not child syndrome" is just an excuse for room was mine, and mine only. allowed in. (This is everyone in my fam- parents to make themselves feel better However, my attempt to ignore their ily.) I locked myself in there for about about shafting us. happy chatter failed. two days, leaving only to go to school, I grew up between a popular, hockey My mom said, "Hayley, we all have eat, and use the bathroom. Meanwhile the star, good-looking brother, and a sister to talk about something." So I sat rest of the house seemed to be filling up 6 years younger than me, with health down and they dropped the bomb on with new furniture for the baby, and lots problems, very cute, and very much the me. "We are having a baby, I'm preg- of people were coming in and out to help, center of attention in the situations nant again!" My heart sank. I know so I presumed. where my brother was not hogging it this may seem a little childish, but I On day 2, a there was a knock on the all. So where did this leave me you was 13! I broke into a rage and they all door of my "home." When I opened may ask? Up Shits Creek without a kept straight faces. Were they serious? the door, there was my mom asking me paddle. And, what was my biggest Was I now going to become even more to come and help her carry something fear? Definitely, another sibling. invisible in this family? Then came the up to the baby's room, Since she was

Now everyone in my family knew even bigger bomb. pregnant, I agreed, because I did not Rita Brunelll about my "syndrome," and this "little" "We need to turn your room into a want her to get hurt. When we opened "Kick Me" fear of mine. All in good fun, although nursery, and you will go back in with the door, my whole family was stand- I begged to differ at the time, my broth- your sister. This is so exciting," said ing in the newly decorated room. But cruel joke on me, and let it last for 2 er and sister often ganged up on me and days. However, the outcome made up made jokes about it. You know, the "Were they serious? Was I now going to for it! Maybe it is just a syndrome standard "you were adopted" thing. after all because now that I am 20, I And the "Ha, Ha, mom and dad don't become even more invisible in this family? look back at times like this and realize like you" thing, because I always com- I didn't have it so bad. plained about them not paying atten- Then came the even bigger bomb." We can all sit around, now, and tion to me. Nice huh? laugh about the "never forgotten" joke So, one wonderful April first—I mom. EXCITING???!!! For whom? instead of all baby stuff, it was a new they pulled oh me. April Fools can be believe I was 13 years old—I came This made me so angry that I decided I room for a teenager, ME! They both funny and cruel. Your basic saran home from school and my whole fami- was going to run away to the extra big screamed "April Fools!" and I can say wrap on the toilet seat joke is definite^ iy,was sitting at the kitchen table talk- • coat closet we had downstairs and this—I definitely felt like a fool! ly funny, although not to the person it ing excitedly about something. I was in make that my room. They agreed to I remember at the time that my feel- is done to at the time. But, it is a pret- eighth grade at the time. Being the bit- this, and even helped me to unload all ings were so mixed. At first I was infu- ty harmless holiday. After all, it is "all ter new teenager that I was, I attempted of the coats in it. riated that they had performed such a in good fun." • Features April 12,2002 page 12 Surprises of a Winter Ball: Bash At Tavern on the Green Is Surreal Experience for FCLC Junior

By Oona Lee, FCLC '03 So at 7:30 p.m., one week and one the bar and the hors d'oeuvres. I Bonnie and I burst out laughing. A desperate last-minute trip to Macy's helped myself to the smoked salmon and fancy Shake N' Bake, fake club smoke, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to later, I found myself walking through gazed at the dresses and suits, in and a few maroon-suited Fordham secu- spend $65 on a dinner. I didn't want thick wooden doors and entering the awe that the same people who wandered rity guards seemed to be our constant to buy a dress, and, more importantly, I fairytale that is Tavern on the Green. The through the hallways of Fordham in reminders that this classy night was didn't want to bust a move to the group of us swirled into this jeans and F.U. shirts were now spinning almost a field trip. We were elegant Beastie Boys or Ja Rule in that elegant, world of sparkles, a trip without the in silk and sequins in this indulgent won- New Yorkers, almost. We were dressed- formal dress that I would be drugs, down wall-to-wall mirrored derland. up college kids at Tavern on the bribed into buying for the occasion. It hallways and into rooms glistening with Breaking out of my trance, I ventured Green, grinding to J-Lo in black formal, just wasn't my thing. and confessing to each other "Come on, we'll have so much fun," "I poked at the immense bunny shaped out of whether we'd tipped the lady in the bath- my suitemate Bonnie pleaded, "We'll fake vines. 'It's fake,'I told Dan. Kind of like room. just laugh at everyone." "I feel like I'm dreaming," Bonnie I looked at her and rolled my eyes as tonight," I thought. But, I guess there's nothing shouted to me over Baby Got Back, she nodded her head excitedly and wrong with that. "This is surreal." giggled. It was when a few of us drifted out to "You know you're going to go," she crystal chandeliers: Red and green over to the bar. After buying my the garden area to get some fresh said. disco lights flashed throughout the din- ticket I had realized that at my last win- air that I let myself believe I actually was And I did. Bonnie was right. ing room—out of character with the ter ball I was only at the having a good time. We When I went to the Winter Ball my other colored lights beaming from the cigarette-buying age, but this time, to my took turns posing for pictures underneath freshman year, I probably knew a total of stained glass decorations. I took a great joy, I was old enough to the giant trees that sparkled five people. That was a disappointing deep breath and prepared myself for a drink. The night could only get more with balls of flashing white Christmas night—with my awkward, now-ex- night of "high school prom meets surreal. lights, and wandered down the boyfriend from home and my solo suite- gaudy Tavern on the Green." It was quite After about an hour of mingling, and walkway. I poked at the immense bunny mate—left much to be desired. So, last the combination. one legal glass of wine later, dinner was shaped out of fake vines. year I decided to boycott the event and A few people from our group were served—our choice of chicken or "It's fake," I told Dan. Kind of like proudly stayed home to watch sitcoms or swallowed into this ocean of glitter and salmon. Both the salmon and the tonight," I thought to myself. But, something equally exciting. But this silver to mingle with their friends, and chicken had a breadcrumb herb crust, I guess there's nothing wrong with that. year, everyone was going, so I heard, and the rest of us found our table, and as we began to eat, my unofficial It was a field trip. An elegant night at somehow I made up my mind to toss my number 18. We picked our seats, set date, Dan, leaned over. Tavern on the Green. An overdone high sad freshman memories out the window down a few purses or shawls, and "Hey, I could have cooked us Shake school prom. A trip without the acid. and follow the formal-happy crowd. quickly made our way to the room with N' Bake back at the dorm," he joked. And, don't forget, for only $65. • Who Needs Gay TV? Coming Soon To A TV Near You, Two Gay TV Channels

By Lisa de Ribere Larkin, FCLC '02 a woman during the question and answer past few years, there has been increased sive taste, and a willingness to spend. session, "Whichever one of you is on the programming which seemed to be feel- It's a short hop to assessing its value in In January of this year, a New York air first, I'm there!" ing out TV audiences' acceptance levels the marketplace as considerable, to say Times article announced the intention of Panel member Stephanie Blackwood, of gay-oriented material. Programs like the least. To this end, the media giant, Viacom, to launch a brand an expert in selling to exclusively gay "Ellen", "Will and Grace", "Sex and the Showtime/MTV venture will fund its new cable channel aimed at the Gay and markets, discussed the change in how City", and most notably, Showtime's channel with a hybrid of subscriptions Lesbian market. This channel will be a this new entertainment venue is now own "Queer As Folk" and "Further Tales and advertising, an unusual move. collaboration between two Viacom sub- viewed. "We are on the cusp of change," From the City" have pushed story lines Subscribers will pay $5. to $7. per sidiaries, MTV Networks and Showtime Blackwood said. "Before, we were hear- and issues with a resounding success month and will also see commercials. Networks, both known for their creative ing what people want. Well, forget 'I that would not have been tolerated a According to Mark Greenberg, and aggressive programming toward Executive Vice President of Corporate' diverse and specific niche audiences. Strategy and Communications for On March 16, 2002, in conjunction "We are so ready for this,' exclaimed a Showtime, commercials will probably with the Gay and Lesbian Business Expo not interrupt programs, or films in par- at the Jacob Javitts Center, the New York woman during the question and answer ticular, but be grouped between pro- Times Speaker Series, called "Times grams much in the way PBS programs. Talks", hosted a panel billed as "I Want session, 'Whichever one of you is on the Viacom's confidence in being able to My Gay TV!" to discuss the new chan- air first, I'm there!" sell this commercial airtime sends the nel before a sold-out, standing-room- message that the gay audience is ripe only audience. What became clear very and desirable to advertisers. quickly was that the idea of a gay TV want my gay TV.' People are now saying decade ago. (Showtime broke ground in "It's the business model that makes channel is one whose time has come. they need it. There is now a consumer the 80's with the sitcom "Brothers", sense at this time in the television envi- The only question was where is it com- NEED." "Need" was probably the single which had as its central dilemma a non- ronment and for an idea like this to be ing from first? strongest point being made by the panel stereotypical young, gay man whose most successful," said Matt Farber, Although the Viacom model has been members, Ms. Blackwood, Gene Falk brothers were macho jocks.) More President of Wilderness Media and under development since June 2001 and is and Kim Lemon of Showtime Networks, importantly, this show's succes resonat- Entertainment, former MTV executive, currently seeking distribution in the Matt Farber of MTV Networks, and ed with the audience these shows most and this project's manager for MTV. American market, a Canadian channel Michael Serapio of Pridevision. The wanted to please. So much so that it is "The gay and lesbian audience recog- called Pridevision is already up and run- event was moderated by New York now safe to plunge into the waters of a nizes that while they are a big minority, ning north of the border and announced at Times' advertising columnist, Stuart 24-hour channel for this specific audi- it's still a niche service and if it's going Times Talks that it will be available in the Elliott. ence. to be something that truly reflects'them, States within the year. Whether this news Several confluent elements have been Also, the audience for this new chan- it's not going to be something that has worried Viacom representatives on the instrumental in propelling the success of nel—the name has not yet been deter- the same appeal as Showtime or HBO— panel was not immediately evident. anJdea,fpr,a television channel aimed at mined—has been targeted from a mar- and easily pays. They encourage and Audience members however, were ecstat- the gay audience. One of these elements keting aspect. The gay market is found embrace advertising sponsorship as a ic. is the audience itself, which has ma.de to be highly educated with a hefty dis- part of this because they want to know "We are so ready for this," exclaimed known that it feels underserved. In the posable income, opinionated and expen- who's supportive, who wants to connect April 12, 2002 Features page 13

Interview With Steve Colbert (continued from page 11)

writer for "SNL". I punched up scripts for really just a comedian. The Who people. I was just desperate. I took a job • with "Good Morning America" because How does a story get from the funny What is the scariest movie you have they were looking for funny corespondents, idea stage to the a complete thing? ever seen? believe it or not. I took the job and they real- Sometimes you imagine the whole bit. It would have to be "Ghost Busters" ly wanted people to be fimny the way that Sometimes, you just want to do something weather men are funny. on a subject and then you have to rack your Please answer the following yes or brain for a long time to figure out how to do no:Should you put out on the first date? Wacky? itThere's no magic process other than writ- Depends Wacky, quirky, jokie. I don't know, I ing something down and then reading it to Have you ever owned a bong? ever. just wasn't the right guy. I only did two someone else and seeing if it's funny There Owned? No. things for them and only one of them are writing processes that go on for every- Do you have naked pictures of Jon What media outlets are you currently made it to air, but I officially owed them thing. I can't really tell you what the process Stewart? If so can I have them? impressed with? stuff. Then my agent at the time said he is other then as a writer or a correspondent, No and no You have to define them. knew this woman named Madeline because we generally write for ourselves Smithberg, the Executive Producer for also, write down the idea and then show it What is the first word that pops into Like are there any particular newspa- "The Daily Show" over at Comedy to the head writer or Jon. your head when I say... pers, or zines or magazines that you Central, which I had never seen, and he Carrottop- think... said I should go meether. So I met her. AT&T I like The New York Times. I like And they hired me to do one and they Do believe you will have an "E ! True William Sapphire, usually like Maureen liked it and they had me do another and Hollywood Story", "Behind the Music", OJ Dowd. I don't like her as much anymore that's it. It sort of was a day job for me "Celebrity Profile", "Biography", or Simpson though. I love the Onion and it turned out to be the most fun job I "Intimate Portrait".? ever had. I will have an "Intimate Portrait". Pirates How about Television, more like net- Booty works or any particular shows? Do you think "The Daily Show" has a What will it be called? I like "Watching Elh'e". I still like "The Liberal slant or it remains pretty much "When the Laughter Stops: the Steven College Simpsons", it's still fairly fimny. central? Colbert story" SAT Fairly central. I would say conservatives Elvis ""? call it liberal, but I would say a few liberals Have vou hit rock bottom vet? If not Pelvis I have never actually seen "Futurama". would say that occasionally it's basically when do you predict it will occur? insensitive and so they would say it's not Finally are you now or have you ever "The Family Guy"? truly liberal. I say it's left of center,but it's No, I haven't. If 11 happen when I appear been a member of the communist party? I've never seen "The Family Guy". not a radical show it's not a radical view- on "Fear Factor". point of the world. In a way a lot of come- No, well I never signed anything but I How did you get involved with "The dy is radical-it's boring to talk about what What's your favorite color? went to meetings, hi college I liked a girl Daily Show"? makes comedy work sometimes- but I think Cobalt blue. who was a Trotskyite. She wore these Mao I had come to New York to work on "The a lot of times comedy works because you're Jackets, it was a very odd mixture of com- Dana Carver Show". I actually had been trying to attack the status of something. What's your favorite book? munism. She wore these Mao Jackets with working in NewYork for a couple of years When a man in a tuxedo slips on a bananna "Fanny & Zoe", "To Kill a Mocking the Nauru collars and her name. It is the on this show called "Exit 57", men that got peel it's funny. A bum slips on a banana peel Bird", or "The Lord of The Rings" trilogy. greatest name ever, of all time. Her name canceled. Then I got hired with Carvey and it's not so funny. You want to go after the was, (is I suppose,) Digression Walker, I moved my wife and kid here, and then that people in charge, the conservatives, the What's your favorite Movie? Digression means the same as prudence. got canceled. I didn't have job. I was doing people who don't want things to change, "Network" Her name was Digression. Isn't that won- laundry money work. I was doing bit jobs atft a.k.a. the status quo. So you attack the sta- derful? Wouldn't you have a crush on a MTV and VH1. I had a short stint as a tus quo you seem like a radical but you're What is the greatest band of all time? girlnamed Digression? I did. • latino Week at Fordham NewYork Latino Leaders in Politics and the Arts

Wednesday, April 17,2002,12 noon Thursday, April 18, 6 p.m. TUesday, April 23, 7:30 p.m. Fordham University Fordham University School of Law Fordham University Lincoln Center Campus Lincoln Center Campus Rose Hill Campus Leon Lowenstein McNally Amphitheater Collins Auditorium 12th Floor Lounge 140 West 62nd Street 441 East Fordham Road 113 West 60th Street Bronx, NY 10458

Lecture by Dennis Rivera The Rosso lecture: Is There Such Speaking in Tongues

Dennis Rivera, president of the 210,000- member a Thing as the Catholic Novel? The third annual showcase of the best In contem- NewYork Health and Human Services Union A'public forum featuring Oscar Hljuelos, Pulitzer porary New York Latino literature and performance (called by The New York Times "the most powerful Prize winner and author of The Mambo Kings Played art w(ll feature the latest work by the artists: labor group in the state") speaks on contemporary Songs of Love, In conversation with Peter Qulnn, Carldad De La Luz (La Bruja), author-performer of Latino issues. author of Banished Children of Eve and winner of an a mesmerizing one-woman show on urban themes, Sponsored by the Latin American and Latino Studies American Book Award. The dialogue is moderated by Boogie-Rican; Institute at Fordham In collaboration with the student Rev. George WV. Hunt S,J., director of the Archbishop organizations El Grito de Lares, Student Organization of Hughes Institute for Religion and Culture at Fordham Abraham Rodriguez, author of the recently publishe Latinos and Academia Hlspana. University, which sponsors this event. The Buddha Book (Picador) and the American Book award-winning Spidertown (Hyperion);

Marga Gomez, author-performer of legendary one- woman shows at the Public Theater: Memory Tricks and A Line Around the Block; Produced by Development and Unlvwitty Halations, offiai of Public Attain. O Foidham University, 2002 Willie Perdomo, author of the gritty and ferociously tender poems, Where ,i Nickel Costs a Dime (W. W. Norton). Sponsored by The Latin American and Latino Studies Institute at Fordham, in collaboration with thu student organizations! Student Organization of latinos and Acadernia Hlspana. for Information about .ill ownu, call (718) 817-4792. Arts & Culture p£ge 14

Urinetown Pees on the #y NoeUe Bolnieki FCjLC '03

Free Newspapers: Commuters, pick Hand that Feeds up free copies of The New York Times and USA Today, (while supplies last,) outside the Student Activities Office in LL 408. Sponsored by Commuter Student Services. Residents, your free newspapers are located in the second floor of McMohon Hall. \

Mark down your calendars far fh&se exciting eye pis happening aroundfifl/ff" pus.

Urinetown: The Musical

By Melissa Liwanag FCjLC '04 lead a revolution against Hope's father Bobby Strong. Bobby's boss Penelope and his company- Throughout the thin Pennywise, Nancy Opel (Anything #Senjor JBxhibition Series Many a creative writing class has plot, the narrator infuses lessons to Goes), is the perfect image of the sour taught that the key to successful satire is Little Sally about how musicals are con- spinster. The strongest performance of $/jiew arjtwork by typ subtlety. Apparently, the writers of ducted, such as, "Sometimes - in a the show comes from Jennifer Laura Melissa Sijvetti, graduating yisua) arts Urinetown: The Musical were never musical - it's better to focus on one big Thompson (Footloose's original cast,) students .of Fordbam University taught that lesson. thing rather than a lot of little things. whose Hope Cladwell mixes innovative The plot has all the makings of the The audience tends to be much happier facial expressions with over the top #Mqnday, April 8 modern cliche - with ecological disaster, that way,.and it's easier to write." mood swings. 4:3.0 PM-5:30 PM, Plaza Cafe an evil company, and, of course, star- Urinetown has most likely made it on While the writing has its ups and FJU£L: JEthtcal Leadership crossed lovers. UrmetQwn's unique to Broadway by the strength of its cast. downs, the music stays appropriately $ow that you have what it Jakes 0 twist on the genre is a drought so severe The sardonic narrator, Officer bland, further pointing .out that this is a jbe ,a leader, discover the role .eJ that it has made private plumbing obso- Lockstoek, is played enthusiastically by satire on musicals, though it could also in the decision making lete and the Urine Good Company prof- Jeff McCarthy (Beauty and the Beast). function as a satire on capitalism - but how to become an effective ,afld its by charging admission to public toi- Two-tinje Tony winner for Shenandoah what doesn't lhese days? Perhaps the ethical leader through this ir lets. It is at such a site that the audience and On the Twentieth Century, John only unpredictable part of the play is the j | is introduced to the hero, Bobby Strong, Cullum, gives a familiar face to CaldweJJ entrance of the conductor, but I won't ' the dreamer from the wrong side of the B. Cladwell, the calculating mind behind ruin that for you. You will have to #April,«-10 tracks, and the heroine, Hope Cladwell, Urine Good Company. Spencer Kayden's decide whether one surprise is worth the 8:00 P i the naive rich girl and daughter of the Little Sally has the innocent curiosity of ticket price. "A>up!e Wes" man behind the Urine Good Company. Oliver Twist and the knack for criticism Pjwscted by Hayley JRinn The two fall in love to "Follow Your a la Lucy bom Peanuts. Hunter Foster Urinetown: The Musical is playing at L Heart," an amply cheesy ballad, then (Footloose) is the charmingly boyish The Henry Miller at 124 West 43rd St. • jfoe JbpurjjBlaries (continuedW Pffi*Jff}, : Portrait of A Normal American Family By Anabclla Rolondo FCLC '03 Kelly, the children, argue and physically fight each other-throughout the episodes. By now we are all sick of the banal The Osbournes have a pet problem: they catchphrase "reality TV." Who cares (real- own about 7 dogs, of which none seem to ly) about "nobodies," wannabe stars claw- be potty trained, leaving disgusting sur- ing at each other in shows like Temptation prises for the family atop the antique Island, The Real World, or Survivor, when tapestry and sofas. To solve the problem, the almighty God of Heavy Metal, Ozzy wife Sharon calls a dog therapist, which Osbourne, rips on smoking, substance strikes Osbourne as odd. In the latest abuse and safe sex talks with his own chil- episode, daughter Kelly comes home with dren on MTV's newest offering, The a tattoo, and Osbourne, covered in ink Osbournesl himself, has to deal with telling Sharon. TV Guide called The Osbournes, "a cross Osbourne was appalled at watching the between The Simpsons and This is Spinal rough cut of the first episode when he real- Tap, which fits nicely with what The ized that every other word the family used Osbournes has to offer: the tales of a fami- rhymed with truck. "It's like 25 minutes of ly with a famous father who is not only bleeps" Osbourne said to TV Guide. "Its like 'F***ing Good Morning. How the f***ing known for his musical creativity in the CourtMyofMTV world of heavy metal, but also for some The Osbournes hell was your f***ing night's sleep?' We infamous stunts that have haunted him for live in Beverly Hills and we sound like we over 20 years. teenagers and a life that has nothing to do new house in Beverly Hills. In the first should live in a f***ing trailer park." Some of these high jinks include biting with his childhood in industrial episode of The Osbournes, cameras move Actually, .counting the bleeps in the first the head off a dove at his first meeting with Birmingham, England. One of six children, around the house as the family is moving episode, there are 56 in a 25 minute show, the record company that was releasing his Osbourne confessed on Behind the MUSK to in. Nothing in the house is where it's sup- and that's after serious editing! first solo album (EPIC), urinating on the being so poor that he only owned one pair of posed to be. Osbourne is seated in a luxu- Overall, the series presents many wall of The Alamo in San Antonio, Texas shoes and did not have a toilet inside Ate rious living room fighting with toe remote satirical moments in the lives of a "nor- while heavily intoxicated, (which won him a house. Looking from mat perspective, you to change the channel on a big flat screen mal" American family with a heavy ten year ban from Texas), and decapitating a have to really admire the long-time career satellite TV with no success and is stuck metal twist, and a dad who should bat at a concert just for kicks. Along these that put Osbourne at the top of the charts and on the weather channel. He complains to undertake a career in comedy if he was lines, the show could be easily perceived as now, at the topof MTV shows. the camera that when he hits a button on ever to leave the music industry. a remake of The Adams Family. However, The idea for The Osbournes was con- the remote, curtains open, the blender goes The Osbournes airs Tuesdays at there is an unknownside of . ceived as MTV was filming .the .third ver- off, and he is JWariausly terrified of &e 10:30p.m. on MTV, with several repeats Me is a father like any other, dealing with sion of Cribs with the Qsbournes M their new technological gadgets. Jack and throughout the week. H April 12,2002 Arts k Culture payo 15 Fordham Arts Beat .,,,,.,„,,,,,,„ Love Lessons, Hollywood Style of friendship and marriage and what happens when those boundaries get crossed.

Tickets are free, for call o"3$-7033

•Tuesday, April 9 4:00 PM-pM PM, ,109 Transitions Pjcograni: Understanding Benefits and Employee. Rights . What is PICA and why does $ty paycheck shrink because of it? -What are my rights as an employee? If you gy NoeMe Balnicki VChC '03 tokens for the Chicago subway and Driver in Return to Me. She received need the answers to these .questions wind up with a nice guy like Bill David Duchovny's dead wife's heart and many more about beneftts, ypu On-screen romances are larger than Pullman in While You Were Sleeping. during her transplant in order to get her won't want to miss this session. life and preposterous at times, yet they Maybe your mother could have an man. Is this such a big deal? If major instill the hope within each of us that annual turkey-curry party and you could surgery could guarantee a future with •April 12-14 someday our prince/ss will come. run smack into Mr. Darcy like Renee Mr. X-Files, it would be worm the risk. 8:0.0 PM, Black Box Paying attention to movie details is very Zellweger in Bridget Jones's Diary. LESSON # 3 - But all does not go "Separations" by Justin Sherin important in order to become a success- Wait a minute, would it be easier to go well with these silver screen couples. Conceived by Morganne Dayies ful romantic-especially when figuring to the local laundromat and discover the Break-ups will occur in order for the and Justin Sherin out exactly how to meet that perfect detergent that Josh Hartnett is hiding? romance to work. Julia loses Richard Directed by Justine Ciolfi man/woman in order to get that happy The movie 40 Pays and 40 Nights when their business deal ends, Minnie A young woman confronts love, ending. If you follow some of seems to think so and the girl even travels to Italy when David finds out pop culture and her terrible past jn an Hollywood's tried and tine formulas for turned out to be Josh's soul mate. Hey, about her new heart, and even Bridget effort Jo move toward spjri&al romance, maybe there's a chance for it could happen. Jones loses Mr. Darcy when she mis- enlightenment. A contemporary adap- love in your foture. What follows is a LESSON # 2 - Once characters are takenly thinks he's a lout and a cheater. tation of Japanese Noh theater. personal interpretation of movie cou- thrown together, they obviously need Come to mink of it, Renee also loses Tickets are free, for reservations plings made easy. Will it work for were the right formula to develop their Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire. This girl call $36-7033 mortals like us? Only time will tell, but rojnance. These situations may fly into really knows her way around romance. let's give it a try! „ ., jfuMftntasynwde, but who cares? They I think Renee is the one to keep an eye •April 14 LESSON # 1 - Combating itrs cir- seem to work for on-screen lovers. For on from now on- She knows all the Senior Exhibition Series 200? cumstances or silly scenarios will guar- instance, take Matt Dillon, the loveable tricks! Center Gallery antee the girl getting the guy. First ex of Annabella Sciorra in the movie IN THE END - The old Cinderella Vjew artwork by things first, let's get the characters to Mr. Wonderful. Matt sets her up with fector weighs in heavy when it comes to Brennan and Alicia Martin, meet. Some things that worked in the other men so he doesn't have to pay her romance. Richard brought his flowers, visual arts students of movies may be interesting to try. Is it alimony. Annabella can't seem to find David brought his heart, Mr. Darcy possible to become a gorgeous prosti- anyone equal to her ex, and Matt is hor- brought his kiss and the prince brought tute and hitch a ride in a great sports car ribly jealous of every male who comes Cinderella the glass slipper. Figure it •Tuesday, April 1$ with the ever so rich and suave Richard her way. Of course, both come to the this way: we all want a happy ending in 4:00 PM-5:00 PM, New Student Gere? Julia Roberts did in Pretty eventual conclusion that he had been our lives. There are no guarantees in Lounge Woman and look where she ended up. her Mr. Wonderful all along. Well I'll love, but it might be fun to give Transitions Program, lea jSocjaJ; Or maybe you could get a job taking be! Look what happened to Minnie Hollywood's rules a chance! • Relocation and Staying Involved How are you going to stay .con- nected to the places, people and activ- ities you enjoy? Let's discuss your MC Solaar: A Shining concerns about this topic. •Thursday, April 18 Star in a Sea of Efforts 4:30 jPM-5:30 PM, Plaza Cafe FUEL: Professionalism and Communication Within Leadership By Stephanie Mezynski FCLC '04 own voice makes MC Solaar's How does being a student leader achievements stand out above the rest. assist you in your career path? This It seems as though MCs and pro- His lyrics, with poetic and smoothly session will answer this and many ducers outside of the United States twisting words in not only his native more questions by incorporating pro- have had trouble finding an identity tongue, French, but also in Spanish fessionalism and communication with- and an audience, resulting in diluted and English, have reached eager ears in your individual leadership style. American-esque hip-hop records from all over the world. Find out how these two fundamental abroad. The futile struggle of foreign In his new record Cinquieme As qualities will impact your role as a producers to create anything fresh or (Fifth Ace) MC Solaar blends his leader. • their seeming inability to form their socially minded lyrics with a melodic flow and some slick beats. This mar- WVW.iOl««r»y»Wm.iwt Sotear riage of rhythm and melody expands Apartments the potential audience from only bullets of glock-cocking American French speakers to non-French listen- school kids in "Arkansas" to chroni- Sublets & Roommates ers as well. Even if you don't speak a cling the French urban underclass in word of French, you can appreciate "RMI," this album has it all. Despite a the flow of the music and understand slightly shaky backdrop that lets us Browse & List Free! the message through the rise of emo- down at times, MC Solaar does not tion apparent in the crescendos, mood disappoint his listeners. His talents Apartments & Rooms swings, and beat changes from the shine through the rough spots in this melodic and sweet "Playmate"' to the well conceived album. So to all those darker feel of such songs as *'L'aigle not versed in French, this album has Ne Chasse Pas Les Mouches." something to offer; and if you own Moving from jazz tinged beats in only one foreign rap album, make it "Degats CoJlateroux" to the soulful MC Solaar. Whether you understand All Areas! No Brokers! sweet backup in "Solaar Pleure" and every word be says or none at all, his the caressingly sorrowful feel of "Le message shines through in the expert Belle et La Bad Boy," from dodging beats and melodies. 1 Arts & Culture April 12, 2002 page 16 Dennis Hopper Does Not Come With A Rumble Pack: Movies Based on Video Games

By Gavin McCormack FCLC '04 Super Mario Brothers: Resident Evil was released two weeks Summary: Plumbers go to dinosaur ago, and is doing much better than any- land to thwart evil in snazzy mono- body expected. However, the movie is chrome overalls. being plastered by critics, who have had I liked: This line: "Mario, Look, It's their intellects attacked by movies based the fungus! It's trying to tellois some- on video games before. However, con- thing!" sidering Hollywood's tendencies to write I didn't believe: Dennis Hopper was in movies about talking pets and time trav- this, as well as Bob Hoskins and John el, are video games really that bad a basis Leguizamo (Playing brothers, of course. for film? The Observer viewed as many Because they look like brothers.) as we could find, in search of an answer. Mortal Kombaf. Summary: The forces of good and evil Resident Evil: collide to blaring techno music. Summary: Evil corporation creates a I liked: That Goro, the four-armed virus that makes the dead rise and eat the mutant, truly looks like it stinks enough flesh of the living. High jinks ensue. to have four armpits. www.tombreidermavle.eon) I Liked: Milla Jovovich kicking things I didn't believe: The movie had a com- Angelina Jolie as Laura Croft until they explode. I liked it a lot. plete absence of spine-ripping and dis- I didn't believe: They didn't let the emboweling, the most endearing features funny in an ironic sense. Van Damme and his mystery-accent to zombies eat more people. of the game itself. I didn't believe: The 700 pound play the only American. mutant is the most likeable character in Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Final Fantasy: The Sprits Within: the movie. Wing Commander: Summary: Badass archaeologist Summary: Drawings save a planet. Summary: Handsome boys and pretty ^ shoots things for archaeological reasons. I Liked: How ridiculously expensive Street Fighter: girls fight aliens in space. I Liked: That everyone paid so much the movie looked. Summary: Fighters from across the I liked: That#reddie Prinze Jr. opened attention to Angelina Jolie's costume I didn't believe: See above. world come together to kick each other his cockpit door in deep space to make they forgot to actually watch the movie. in the head. his hair blow about more dramatically. Very fortunate for the movie. Double Dragon: I liked: Raul Julia's eyes rolling I didn't believe: That everyone in this I didn't believe: The director asked Summary: Brothers kick their way to deeply into the back of his head as he movie is supposedly raised aboard Jolie to be British. vengeance. laughs maniacally. spaceships, yet some are mysteriously Redeeming Qualities: At least it's I didn't believe: They got Jean-Claude French. • »> • _*•»«, -~ ^ Top io "Back-in-the-day" Moves to Break Out at your Next Party!

By Lauren Branche FCLC '05 about this oldie, read oa It's usually danced with a partner, and the words to the accompa- 1. The Funky Chicken - Okay, I had to nying song give you directions how to move. start with the oldest dance, and the most hilar- "I put my hand up on your hip, when I dip, ious. This one is bound to grab everyone's you dip, we dip!" Pretty simple, but it's sure to attention and by the next song, the dance floor split groups up and get personal. will look more like a club and less like a group of butterflies. 7. The Snake - Who can forget this one? It's classic, and oh-so-smooth. The dance that 2. The Bus Stop - You've got to be famil- mimics a snake with neck and head move- iar whh this dance routine. Ya know, the one ments will always be in style. Exercise cau- that begins something like the Electric tion before dancing The Snake and warm up Side and ends with a couple of hops? No? with neck rolls to avoid cramping. Hmmm... ask Mom and Pop and they should let you know. Through each generation, there 8. The Wop - The dance you see in 70's have been numerous adaptations to this movies where women throw their head from dance. However, stick with the original and side to side to the beat of the song. It's great I'm sure you'll get more folks on the dance for a group of girls. I don't know if it's too floor. kosher for guys - but hey - whatever floats THE A FINE LINE BETWEEN THE your boat Just make sure to bring some 3. the Robot - Danced to the hottest songs aspirin. All that tossing around could lead to 20T I CENTURY AND THE 21ST. IT'S from Jay-Z or Nas, you're sure to get a roar a headache. Cause when you gets-da-wop- from the crowd. Make sure your limbs are pin', there's-no-stoppin! CAL loose and your fingers are tight. Is that you, .ED IRS B-file for Business. Johnny Five? 9. The Train - move over Congo line, it's In the 21st century you run your entire business eloctranicsHy, So why not file your butinesi time for the Train. Come on and ride it!! This taxes the same way? Now business taxpayers and tax prepare™ cart file by phono, by 4. The Roger Rabbit - Yes, I am taking it dance requires no skill whatsoever. So even if Internet «r by PC software. It's more economical with less paperwork. tt*« mow efficient you aren't gifted with the ability to follow a with Increased accuracy. And it's more effective since you'll spend lass time filing tax back. Woo! I love this dance, ft's so easy to ratums and more time focused on your business, if you're a business taxpayer, ask master. You put both hands on your hips and rhythm, you can still master The Train. Just your tax preparer about o-f Iling. If you're a tax professional, ask your software take rhythmic steps backwards. It's a classic. hop on board and get happy! There's nothing devtlopar about enabling your programs to take advantage of electronic filing. And to find out more about what We looks ilka on this side Try it once and you're the leader of the else to it — although a couple of drinks can of the lima, visit wtnnw.ira.aoir. File Smart. File Electronic. bunch! really help you get in that mood!

TifltinrfRtvtftMMss 5. The Tootsie Roll - "Come on girls and 10. The Running Man - MY FAVORITE!! Wirti8|t«pirt»«viMfirtt Tootsie Roll!" This dance is great for a group Will and Carlton from The Fivsh Prince of of five or more. Danced to it's accompanying Belt Air arc fathers to this dance phenome- file song, "The Tootsie Roll," it might just make non. Imitate those two and you're sure to be a tar Buwinot you break a sweat — so bring an extra bottle success. Combine it with a serious face, of activator so you don't sweat that curl out! strong arms, side kicks and tricks, mid I'll be your dance partner! Have fun folks and rule 6. The Dip - For those of you who forgot all the dance floor. • April 12, 2002 Arts & Culture page 17 io Movies for the Month of Fools

BUELLER'S HAY OfF

www.operatlonswonifish.coin, www.bright.net www.alltnovie.com Movies for April Fool's Fun

By Kia Warren FCLC '05 5. April Fool ized). Also starring John Ritter as seeks to undertake one last hurrah in Like the aforementioned movie, Junior's "dad" Ben Healy, Problem his senior year of high school. 1. April Fool's Day April Fool is also a classic, (made in Child is not nearly as classic as Bueller cuts classes, calls in sick, This 1986 B-movie stars Deborah 1929) that is not directly related to Home Alone, however, the slapstick and "borrows" a Ferrari, among Foreman as rich Buffy St. John who April Fool's, but once again the title department is never lacking! other shenanigans. Along with two celebrates her birthday, April 1, with rules the day! It is an ethnic comedy friends, Ferris enjoys a day of revel- friends in her parents' mansion on a set in NY starring Alexander Carr as 10. Ferris Bueller 's Day Off" ry throughout the streets of Chicago remote island. After bloodshed on the Jacob Graham, Duane Thompson as "Anybody, Anybody?! Bueller, until...uh-oh...will Fe'rris get ferry ride to the house, the friends his daughter Irma, and Raymond Bueller?!" That and many other mem- caught? With appearances by find strange gags and accommoda- Keane as handsome and young Leon orable moments contribute to the Charlie Sheen and Ben Stein, this tions in their rooms. They soon die Steinfeld. Despite the minor trick in hilarity of this "coming of age" film. movie is a definite April Fool's following the Agatha Christie pattern the plot surrounding theft, however, Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) must-see! • of "and then there were none." Gags in the end everyone lives "happily and Gasps = April Fool's fun! ever after." *" *

2. Jawbreaker 6. Swordfish Courtney (Rose McGowan), Julie John Travolta, Halle Berry and GRADUATING SENIORS (Rebecca Gayheart), Marcie (Judy Hugh Jackman team up to create a Green), and Liz (Charlotte Roldan) worthy suspense/adventure ride. With rule Ronald Reagan High School the perfect mix of criminal pranks, with beauty and attitude. The only decoys, and a rousing heist, Whoever said benevolent of the four is Liz, a threat Swordfish is the April Fool's adven- to Courtney's reign. On Liz's 17th ture movie choice. birthday Courtney pranks Liz by "one person cant stuffing a Jawbreaker in her mouth, 7. Romy and Michelle's High 5 kidnapping her, and stuffing her in School Reunion change the world/ the trunk. When the nasty prank In this movie, we really get to backfires, the girls find themselves in see how funny Lisa Kudrow and Mira never tried. sticky situations. Sorvino can be. Romy and Michelle \/bu're bunting with ambitions, Most importantly, we understand are two under-achievers who lie X goals, dreams and aspirations. that life can lie very demanding. 3. Revenge of the Nerds (claim they are the inventors of Post- The question is, how do you This is why we've created a Social Basically a sex farce/slapstick It's), and pull strings (Romy borrows realize them? Service program that can fit just a Jaguar) to make a great impression about any busy schedule. comedy. The plot surrounds stereo- Consider a Master of typical jocks who burn down a house at their ten year high school reunion. Social Work degree from Actend one of our next as a result of a prank gone wrong. When the deception is disclosed, Fordham's Graduate Information Sessions at School of Social Service. either our Lincoln Center When displaced from their frat comedy erupts. Our program, which is orTarrytown campus. house, they unleash anger and ranked 13d) nationally For more information, authority over the college freshmen 8. Home Alone by U.S. News and'WorM please call 212-636-6600 Report, is one of the (Lincoln Cenrer) or a.k.a "the nerds." Infuriated, "the Poor Kevin McAllister largest of its kind for 914-332-6005 (Tanyrown). nerds," release tricks from up their (Macauley Culkin)! His parents, sib- educating and training sleeves (e.g. liquid heat in jock- lings, and relatives accidentally leave social service professionals. The Fordham Graduate School At Fordham, we offer a wide of Social Service - together we straps) in retaliation. With an amus- him alone to fend for himself when variety of concentrations as can make a difference. ing script, and the "showdown at the they leave to France for Christmas. well as a hands-on approach frat decathlon," this movie is a fun to learning. When you graduate More unfortunate is the fact that two from Fordhams Graduate School www.tbrdhaffl.edu/gss way of celebrating April Fool's. bumbling burglars (Joe Pesci and of Social Service, you'll have the Daniel Stern) plan on robbing cools and training necessary to 4. The April Fools Kevin's neighborhood. With the use make a difference. This 1969 movie starring Jack of wits and many gags, Kevin evades Lemmon and Catherine Deneuve has the burglars, entertaining the audi- INFORMATION SESSIONS: NOTHING to do with gags and bur- ence in the process. Lincoln Center Campus, McMahon Residence Hall, 155 West 60th Street Saturday. April 20, 11 a.m. - 12:30 p.m. lesque jokes, however, the title makes Ta/rytown Campus, Rita Hall, Neperan Road it fitting for this list. The April Fools 9. Problem Child Saturday, April 20, 10 - 11:30 a.m. is a romantic comedy about a man and Junior (Michael Oliver) is the woman caught in disturbing marriages worst, most mischievous child ever! who try to escape their grim realities Gearing a little more towards the FORDHAM by being together. The classic "race to kiddies than, the other movies, UIUMMU the airport" scene sets the example for Problem Child is chock full of SOCIAL SERVICE many movies that follow. Who says pranks and mischief (i.e. a house April Fool's time isn't romantic? burns down and the cat is hospital-

r Arts & Culture April 12, 2002 page 18 Do Ifou Feel Lucky?

Matthew McConnanghey, Tia Texada, and Clea Duvall

By Me&u Ayab F€t£ '03 Du Vail (Girl Interrupted), Amy Irving McConaughey) becomes guilt-ridden after centered conversations, hence the title. {Traffic), and Alan Arkin (America's- his involvement in a hit and run accident With inter-titles like, "Fuck Guilt," "Do You Feel Lucky?" is the question Sweethearts) and producers Beni Atoori <3ene (Alan Arkin), a seemingly successful "Show Me A Happy, Mart," and Thirteen.Conversations About One Thing and Gina Resnick (no big hits until now^ businessman, becomes envious of a cheer- "Ignorance Is Bliss," this film delineates asks its viewers. In a world where happi- tiie combination of experience and fresh- -ful employee who seems to have the perfect a constant struggle between optimism ness smiles on some and laughs a! others, ness works in this -film; Thirteen. life; while on the other hand, he is burdened and pessimism. The characters are sometimes ifs laid not to be cynicaUbout Conversations About One Thing explores by a regretful divorce and a drug-addicted linked to one another through accidents, life. Nevertheless, this film invites us into the novelty of hope and the experience of son. Acleaning girl, Beatrice (Clea Du'Vail) or perhaps luck. It is via their connec- the deep and differing definitions of happi- others as characters question die worth of . who once believed she had a purpose in Hfer tions with one another that their lives ness. an immoral life. - . • .• is lefrin disillusion. Professor Walker (John are changed forever. But the stories are Released in Italy and Canada at the The film opens with the lives of five lurturro), with atypical career and faithful not told in order, so it is up to the view- renowned Film Festivals of 2001, Ibis inde- New Yorkers: a young lawyer, a- young wife, falls into a mid-life crisis which ends er to fit these pieces together and ana- pendeni film is set to make its debut in New faithful cleaning lady, a tense middle-aged in the purchase ofa sports car and a divorce. lyze how these conflicting lives coin- York in late May, 2002. Karen Sprecher, businessman, as well as a stressed middle Amy Irving plays a small role as Patricia, cide. The sound editing is interesting in known for directing Clockwatchers (1997), aged Physics Professor and his wife. As the Walker's wife, who finds happiness in a that this film isn't packed with either works her magic again on us with Thirteen film progresses, each character's personal smile after her disheartening marriage. The music ox spectacular sound effects. It is Conversations About One Thing. conflict encourages a search for meaning, negativity that forces these characters into this crucial choice of allowing silence to Karen also worked with her sister Jill and most importantly, for happiness? in despair is like every moment in life, tempo- linger that gives Thirteen Conversations Sprecher in writing this screenplay. With an his/her individual life. rary. And the profoundness of this movie about One Thing the edge it needs. For awesome cast, including Mathew The viewer is led through each of the comes in its depiction of people's need to be no song, no sound effect can accurately McConaughey(77?e Wedding Planner), characters' transformations. The young moral and return to faith and happiness. describe the struggle of understanding John Turturro {Collateral Damage), Clea cocky lawyer, Troy (Mathew The film is edited into 13 problem- happiness. •

What if you face significant hardship unless relief is granted? Then you may qualify for our Taxpayer Advocate Service, Tax which acts to protect taxpayer rights and ensure fair treatment. Your personal Taxpayer Advocate will review the situa- tangles tion from your point of view. The same person will work with you until the issue is resolved quickly and fairly. t The IRS is ready to help you This service can be requested untangle? straighten things out. for individual or business tax- For any problem that relates payers. to your tax return, your first Do you qualify? Ask your tax step is to call, write or visit the preparer or phone us toll-free at IRS. Most questions will be 1-877-777-4778. simply resolved, then and there. But what if the issue is more complicated—one that drags on?

The Internal Revenue Service $J|) Wcirkiny^to AprjJ 12, ?Q02 Vox: Month of Fools Section

Greetings fellow readers!

It's April Fools Month here at The Observer, and in all respect to that tradition, we here at Vox would like to take a few pages to screw with your^ collective heads. Finally, here Is a healthy dose of all that satire we 've been promising over the past few issues, • and if you feel that you can do better, please do! Send us in your pieces, of any kind or length. We're excited and anxious to hear from you all in these last few weeks before Summer cometh! '

On another note, we 'd like to turn your attention to the FIRST FORDHAM FICTION PRIZES, If you have a few short stories or excerpts from longer pieces that you'd like to submit to this contest, you've only to include two cover pages (one with title only and another with title, author's name, phone number, address, and e-mail). Submissions are limited to three pieces at a maximum of 750 words per piece. This contest is open to all undergraduates with a Friday, April 19™ at 5:00 p.m. deadline. All entries can be submitted in the entry box in room 924. Cash awards are to be presented and the winning works will be read on April 26m at the "Writing to the Right-Hand Margin" event and celebration. For further information, please contact Professor Lamb at 636- 6246.

That's all for now! Enjoy the issue and keep those submissions coming!

Sincerely, Chris Monfette ([email protected]) Brooke Whitley (whitley@,fordham.edu) Strapped For Cash? 10 Ways To Save Money

Lisa Rivgoulis, FCLC '02 Food Shop Right At Home. Instead clean dwelling. This saves a lot, money • * '''I of buying those necessities like milk, for you, energy for all, and takes the We can all use some helpful tips coffee, or bread, get them for free clos- effort out of making yourself look gooa* - when it comes to saving at least a buck er to home. Go around your dorm, and the place smell good. (WARNING: 1 or two, and there are pore ways to do apartment building, or even bfdek, and THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO THOSE f this besides calling collect, (though that ask neighbors if you'can "borrow" this THAT DORM, unless you are positive is always a smart idea). Most of us much needed item that you "just ran out your R.A. will not be around). work hafd for our money. Whether it's of;" Be sure not to hit the same neigh- waiting tables, answering phones, or bor' twice in a certain time period or Forget The Gym. This is for those that annoying, peanut-paying intern- they may be on to your sneaky ways. of you who are motivated and athletical- ship, we know how hard it is to make This saves you grocery money and as a ly inclined only! (The rest of you have Vn money. So, watching it slip away, even bonus it opens up the possibilities of already forgotten the gym long ago). on necessities can be painful. You'd be meeting people. (Think of that hottie or Why spend so much on gym fees when surprised to see just how much money hunk on the third floor, what better way you can make just about any setting can be saved from exercising just a few, to introduce yourself than by requesting work as your own "personal gym." if not all of these money-saving tips. some milk, which you desperately need- Take the stairs here at Lincoln Center. Take a look at these helpful hints and ed anyway). It's a workout alone from the Plaza to see new ways in which you can save the 5th floor. (Carry those heavy litera- some cash. Don't Pick Up That Phone. Phone ture or science texts for a weight-train- bills can get insanely expensive, so get ing workout, as well). Walk more, too! Take Bugs Out To Lunch. Next back to basics and write letters. Letters This can work in accordance with ditch- Staff Photographer time you go to a restaurant, carry some allow to you to polish up your writing ing your Metrocard. (See tip # 2). Fordham student with more money due to bugs with you (any creepy looking thing skills and you save money on phone the tips in this very article will do). Toward the end of your meal, calls. Plus, in the letter you can request Don't Buy The Paper, Borrow It. one (preferably someone that you're and when all feelings of hunger have for the other person to call you in The New York Times can be expensive, not crazy about) this Christmas. subsided, pull out a bug and slyly drop response. This might seem a little and so are magazines. Look around the Another example, if you need paper, it in your plate. Make a big fuss, feign unfair, but hey, you're taking the initia- recycling bins in your dorm or apart- reuse those old papers and exams (you nausea, and threaten to call the Health tive and writing a heart-felt letter, the ment building and take that day's don't have to keep that mid-term paper Department. least the other person can do is give you paper or that month's magazine. that you got a C on anyway). If you The meal will definitely be on the a call. (Bonus: If the party that you are There's got to be at least one person, if have socks or underwear with holes in house. writing to is nearby, just slip the letter not several, who have subscriptions to it, don't run out and buy more, try under the door, saving you stamps). different papers and magazines. Look sewing them. If you are incapable of Ditch Your Metrocard. A around campus too. You can get certain sewing (as many of us are) then just Metrocard is not needed to get from one Barnes & Noble. Tons of books, newspapers for free on the second floor cover that hole up with tape or a Band- end of the city to the other. Throw on a Aid. It might not be glamorous, but pair of rollerblades, skates, or even grab "Throw on a pair of rollerblades, skates, or even hey, it works and it'll save you money. a skateboard and latch on to those city Also, as traditional as it may be, what buses. Sure you have to watch out for grab a skateboard and latch on to those city better way to make money than by sav- pedestrians and other vehicles, but with ing those empty cans and bottles for the a little caution you will get to your des- buses. Sure you have to watch out for pedestri- nickel refund. ,From that weekend party tination for free. (WARNING: DO alone you should have enough empty NOT ATTEMPT THIS WITH THE ans, and other vehicles, but with a little caution, beer cans and bottles to make an easy SUBWAY). $1.50. you will get to your destination for free." Forget Laundry And Dry Cleaning. You get the point. There are many Why waste time at the laundramat or places to sit, and one just about every for example. Be ambitious, you can sensible ways that you can save money spend a lot for dry cleaning clothes you few blocks. Read them there and you probably find any newspaper that you if you just think about it. These sugges- never really take care of anyway. Next don't have to buy them. Enough said. are looking for, and an assortment of tions may not seem like fun, but these time you head to the shower, take those magazines, and the best part is they're are the rough college years, (with dirty items with you. You get clean in Light A Candle. This might sound free! money, at least). It's not supposed to be the shower, your dirty clothes will too. lame, but it works. What better way to all fun. If all else fails and you just So you might look a little odd heading save money than on the electric bill. Recycle...Everything! By reusing can't seem to save money, then there's into the water dressed, but just think of Leave the lights off and light a candle. things that you already have that served always begging the parents for a little the time, and most importantly, money It saves energy (always a plus), we all a purpose, you can save a lot of money, help, or good old-fashioned stealing that you'll be saving. look better in dimly lit rooms, and it'll For example, that old Christmas gift (though it's best to avoid this until smell better than your less-than-totally- that you've never liked, give it to some- things are really bad). • Vox: Month of Fools Section April 12,2002 page 20 Creative Eating: A New Major At Fordham Tips on How to Enliven Feeding Time

By Derrkfl McCuDen FCLC'03 out of bake sales is to join a club. Not only will it look good on your resume but it gives With second semester, post midterms, you insider control. You will be at planning comes eveiy form of "-his" including "cafe- meetings and will be able to suggest bake teria-Ms." By this time you've had every kind sales for all occasions. Of course as a club of soup, lasted all the new vitamin/energy member you will be expected to sell the con- drinks, and have gotten sick of celebrating fections but when the sale is over somebody Thanksgiving every Thursday night. has to eat what's left over. "As President of Combine this with slower brain functions due Students for Plaza Upkeep I was in charge of to work overload and you have hungry coeds all food used for bake sales," says Roy going to desperate measures. The hunt for Kipfer, FCLC '23. "Sometimes I would just food, regardless of nutritional value, reaches hide boxes of cookies and say we sold all of frenzied heights and the cafeteria just can not them." It would be best to not resort to lies assuage the masses. Food must be, nay, will and criminal activity in your food scavenging be, found elsewhere. Here are some places to but a little creativity never hurts. get started The best is that the school has scheduled in a day where you can combine the benefits of Bake Sales both methods: Club Day. Go sign up for tons The only downfall is that if there's no extra necessary. Can you smell the boxes of discount cook- of clubs and get free subs and soda It only credit incentive, you have to sit through the Once again, this scheme requires you to ies from Associated and CVS? If you're comes around twice a year but each time it's entire speech just to get the food. That is keep your ear to the ground about upcoming lucky some of the food may be homemade, worth it Just get there early and actually sign unless you have impeccable timing. events. You may have to even pay attention using actual organic materials. The sight of up for a club. Find out when the speech is being given in class, but it is all worth it considering powered sugar, chocolate, and yellow cake is and estimate how long it could possibly take. extra points on a test and the promise of more than enough to keep you away from the Guest Speakers Show up at said location five minutes before pasta on a plate instead of a snap and go cafeteria doors. There are two ways to go Guest Speakers are a rare and blessed the conclusion. Stand in the back and look plastic container. about finding and getting the most out of occasion. Not only can you possibly receive extremely interested Pen and paper with school bake sales. extra credit for attending a presentation but notes and nonsequitor babble will do. A New Art Exhibit Openings For the less social, leadership-oriented there is also guaranteed to be high quality glance and affirming nod at a teacher, any At first we wondered why they needed to Fordham students the best method is to stay food The Fordham administration knows teacher, and raising your hand slightly - as if build a special room for art Was it really nec- alert of any new postings on hallway walls or they can not bring in some big shot with a you have a question - and then shooting it up essary? What was wrong with that "co2y" outside of elevators. They list the who, where PhD. and then serve fruit punch and cookies. in die air once someone else has been called space in the corner between the escalators and when. Sadly enough, no one ever con- The spread at these gigs is serious. Very often upon will reinforce your cover. The reason and doors to other floors? But all speculation cerns themself with the why. With all of the there are extensive arrays of cheeses and for all mis nonsense is that those in charge of was clarified as exhibits began to go up. We particulars you can schedule all baked good crackers, brand name sodas, fresh baked the food usually have an uncanny knack for realized that there is beautifully noteworthy ' opportunities so that they are conducive to gooey cookies and, depending on the status of spotting people who are not part of the offi- work being done by Fordham students and your schedule. the speaker, and the department hosting the cial audience and refuse to give them food the bigger space allows for longer tables, The most proactive way to get the most event, baked ziti and salad Yes, hot pasta Do not let mis happen. Bring pen and paper if which hold more (continued on page 21)

Fordham University proudly announces the Loyola Chair in the Humanities Lecture Spring 2002

Rev. John O'MalleyiSJ. Professor of Church History at the Weston Jesuit School of Theology at Cambridge, and leading historian on the Renaissance, Reformation and Counter-reformation will present a lecture

"Trent and the Making of Modern Catholicism"

Thursday, April 18,2002 at 4 p.m. McCinky Center Ballroom

Fordham University | Rose Hill Campus 441 East Fordham Ro«d | Bronx,NewYork

Admiwion is free; a reception will follow. For more information, contact the Offia of t)w Acixlcmic Via President »t (718) 817-3040.

PORD11AM New York City's Jesuit University ••••••j-f April 12, 2002 Vox: Month of Fools Section page 21 ^;^ ' "' v College Students' Cigarette Consumption Boosts Tobacco Industry Bella Private Stockholder Report Reveals Tobacco Company's Dastardly Agenda By Lisa de Ribere Laridn, FCLC'02 By Kristen Bykowski, FCLC «0Z A secret stockholder meeting report was Dear Bella, turned over to The Observer this week by a I have had a problem for quite a student whose mother is a member of the white now and need advice. I broke board of directors of the AA Carcinogen up, with my boyfriend about a year Tobacco Industries. The FCLC student, who iago and he still calls. He won't requested to remain anonymous, said that his leave me alone and even shows up to mother had left the report on her desk, where where I am sometimes. He writes me the student found it while rifling through her Utters, sends me flowers and cards, drawers for cigarettes. and even gets singing telegrams to The following is an excerpt from the come to my house. What should I speech delivered to stockholders on March do? How do I let him off easy? 29, 2002, at the annual Good Friday frapped Stockholders Jamboree in Athens, Georgia by President and CEO Philias Widschnitt. Dear Trapped, Staff Photographer it seems to me like letting him off Stock Holders'Meeting Fordham students invest in Big Tobacco easy isn't the best option for you March 29,2002 right now. My advice is this: You AA. Carcinogen Tobacco Industries next ten years, the demand for jobs in the U.S.more where that came from!" can always set up one of those job market from this segment of the population So, dear stockholders, you can go home to Mends that you really don't like Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. will outweigh the suppfy 15-to-l—creating anyour dividends knowing that AA. Carcinogen .with him. Maybe they'll hit it off It's a pleasure to havey 'all here today, partic- increased strain on the welfare system, and is on the job and providing for you 24/7/365 and then you'll have rid yourself of ularly in light of file excellent news that our older American parents to provide sustenance (and some years 366). It is a great day and I •two people that really aren't worth stock has exceeded all expectations this week! to these yoimg people. Indeed, in light of 9/11, congratulate you for choosing A.A. your time. If that doesn't work try Our campaign targeting high school and the job market has already been seriously Carcinogen as the repository for your finan- spray painting his car with the fol- college students has reaped benefits far diminished, leaving 2002 graduates scrapingcial needs. Thank-you, and have a real good lowing phrase: I DON'T LIKE greater than we could have imagined At this foranytype ofmenialworktheycan get, while day! ^OU! LEAVE MY LIFE ALONE! juncture, sales are up 150% in the high others have simply moved back home to enjoy If all of that fails, and you still find school demographic and 200% in the col- the parasitic type of existence they experi- Wldschnitt delivered the speech from a the leech lurking around you, your lege demographic. On any given day, up to enced as toddlers. podium draped in the American flag, and 'best bet is to just move. Leave the 50 students can be seen on the quads, side- The service we, AA. Carcinogen, provide flanked by nine-foot replicas of tobacco leaves city. Better yet, leave the country, walks, and grass areas of these schools dur- for the survival of our American economy is encrusted in gold coins. Following the 'Change your name and go into hid- speech, bikini-clad showgirls ripped die coins ing for a year or two, Eventually "Bikini-dad showgirls ripped the coins from the from the giant tobacco leaves and lobbed he'll forget about you. them into the frenzied crowd of stockholders Ctab" * ' giant tobacco leaves and lobbed them into the fren- and board members, who stampeded over one •Bella another to retrieve the bounty, according to a zied crowd of stockholders and board members, who witness who requested anonymity, and was .Wear Bella, later found hanging by his feet in a refhgerat- OThis is a school-related problem' stampeded over one another to retrieve the bounty." ed tobacco locker. and I'm not sure which way to go Calls to Widschnitt's office were not with it. I am taking some pretty hard ing period breaks, as compared to 20 to. 25, to "winnow out", so to speak, a segment of returned. Board members were reported as classes, but I'm smart so I can han- a year ago. Particularly gratifying is the the population which will become a burden being unavailable for comment, and an dle them. But lately I feel as if my increase in women smokers in both of these on taxpayers. I'm talking about the alleged Observer reporter was denied access to the teachers just don't know who I am: segments. In a study of several New York high risk of cancer and heart disease to these AA Carcinogen corporate headquarters They make me feel unimportant City area colleges and universities, for exam- smokers in our target markets, which will when a security guard, draping himself because they can't remember my ple, it has been found that women smokers ultimately rid us of an unwieldy group across the building's banner sign, denied that name. How can I get them to notice outnumber men 2-to-l. I'd say that this is unable to provide for itself. In the course of AA Carcinogen Tobacco Industries had ' and remember me? outstanding news. this "winnowing", the medical and insur- ever, in fact, occupied the building. There Antonittyrectefelous For those of you who are concerned about ance cartels will profit handsomely—further was, however, a suspicious odor of stale exploitation of the under 21 population, I'd boosting our American economy. tobacco smoke eking from beneath the front Dear Loser, like to put your minds at ease. It has been pro- If you are concerned that we are killing our door, and thousands of cigarette butts stud- First of all change your name, that jected by the U.S. Census Bureau that in the own cash cow, remember, "Iheres always ded the driveway. • is just too much for any normal human to remember. This is how I would approach the situation. Next Creative Eating: A New Major At Fordham time you go to class, get there early. Since the teachers are being unfair to Tips on How to Enliven Feeding Time you, you have every right to be uftfair right back. Resort back to food. What's better than walking around The atrium outside the law school library always in the back of your mind. It never that "Saved by the Bell" type behav- eating free food and getting the chance to is not just part of the short cut to Tower, and hurts to order out, eat out, or even cdjbk for • tor. Go prepared to class this time, spew everything you remember from Barnes and Noble. If you pay close attention yourself; but nothing is better than anSflbrt- but with a different type of supplies. your Intro to Art History class? People to cafeteria carts winding through hallways less, free meal. No sweat, no pain, rw growls Ofazy glue for the teacher's chair, are always willing to listen to inconse- you will find mat they end in that plaza. The from below disturbing class lectures. § add the ultimate prank... spitballs. quential babble when there is free food in law school is the Shangri-La of free food at Give the delivery boys a break, do not When your teacher walks in and sits the vicinity. Word to the wise: at some of Fordham. Unfortunately, as undergrads, you give into the incomprehensible lure of the down, stand up and start attacking these exhibits they serve wine. Do not go can only really get the leftovers. Keep an cafeteria and get creative. As an added With the spitballs. He/she won't be overboard, do not be a lush. Sure, free attentive eye on the plaza. Once the festivi- bonus, summer is on its way, bringing cook- able to move so it's your home court food and drink is exciting but no one ties are over there is usually a lot of food outs and free food hosted by SPARC and advantage now. Tell him/her what likes an inebriated mooch. remaining. Come prepared, bring SGA. For those overzealous scavengers you really think about the class as For artistically challenged students there is Tupperware or tin foil, and enjoy. Usually, if who like to plan ahead, all cookours can be ypil bombard the teacher with wet, another option. If you are on your way to you ask in a lowly and meek undergraduate found either in the main Fordham plaza or in slimy spitballs. I can't promise bet- class simply grab some fruit and drink on tone if they mind if you have some, the the shady alcove between the main building ter grades, but the teacher will never your way up the escalator. Keep in mind that catering staff usually is eager to get rido f the and the dorms. Until then, try and hold out forget you... and that's what you it would be nice if you made your way back food. So bring along your manners and be just a little bit longer. Entertain yourself and want isn't it? to the exhibit some time. If it were your work, sure to say thank you. occupy free time with all suggestions men- Ciao, fellow parsimonious students would do the tioned above. Keep in mind that when you Bella ..,••.. same for you. As a college student you learn the incom- are starving and don't know on what to parable value of good food, especially if it feast, in the words of Lauren Quigley FCLC The Law School fills you up. How to get your next meal is '02, "nothing beats the taste of free." • Vox: Month of Fools Section April 12, 2002 page 22 Liza Minelli and the Wu-Tang: A New Collaboration

By James Valetti

Between her March 16 marriage, tons of promotional interviews, and numerous admittances to the Betty Ford clinic, Liza Minelli was kind enough to find the time to sit down with The Observer in order to pro- mote her new album Liza: Shaolin Style, expected in stores on Tuesday, April 9. The new album is chock full of duets between Minelli, Judy Garland's 50-something year old daughter, and the famous rap artists of the Wu-Tang Clan. The following inter- view took place on March 13, 2001. Ms. Minelli respectfully requested that the arti- cle be written to include her lisp, one of her "many trademarksch."

Observer: So, Liza, tell us: why the Liza Minelli and the Wn Tang Clan switch? What pushed you from a career in recording show tunes to entering "The World of the Wu?" that I mean, for God'sch schakes, I have God, I deschided that we'd do a religious Observer: Can you give us a sneak pre- schelfreschpect! For a fellow artischt to call song together. [This gave birth to the excit- view as to what will be on the new CD? Minelli: Well now that'sch very schim- me not only fat, but schort too? So my agent ing duet "Mary Magdalene, How Does Your ple. My agent had come up to me about a suggested working with the Wu-Tang Clan, Garden Grow?"] I also found that Old Dirty Minelli: Well for one, it's a very eclec- year ago, and he schaid to me, he schaid: and I was intrigued I had never worked with Baschtard quite a character, too, and we tic album. The things we sing about range "Now Liza, don't get the wrong idea, but an Asian band before. laughed at the coinschidence that young from pink bunny slippers and phisch velor you're not making as big of an impresschion people today call us by the same name. pants in the song "Pink Furry Things Below on the young ones as you did thirty years Observer: So tell me about your Cappadonna is an Italian name, like Minelli, My Waist," to the dangers of drugs, in the ago. Perhaps you should try recording some- impression of the band, and the outlook you and I thought it would be great to get back to musical tribute to my mother Judy Garland: thing other than Gerschwin." After much had on doing a CD with mem. my roots. He and I actually do an Italian the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow thought, I figured I'd give it a schot So, I love song on the new CD named "Bitsch, Created by the Light Passing Through Your researched some popular names in the music Minelli: Well, the firscht member of the Who Took My Marinara Sauce?" And Pill Bottle." It's a record I'm very exschit- induschtry, and I called Ja Rule, you know, to band that I schpoke to was Raekwon the finally, the bond between the members of ed about and very proud of, and I'm schure see if he'd be interested in doing an album Chef, and he was very schweet I knew Wu-Tang is really something: the RZA, that no matter what one's muschical tascht- with me. He agreed Our album was about juscht from bis name that we definitely GZA, and Old Dirty Baschtard are es are, he or she will abscholutely love it! three quarters finisched, until I declared mat schared an interest in cooking, so I decided couschins! I wisch all of today's American I would no longer continue creating music that maybe we'd do a song about making families would model Wu-Tang. I'm a little Observer: I'm sure we will Liza. with Ja Rule, because he so rudely called me dinner or schomething. I was always a very put-off by their use of illegal subschtances, Thanks for your time, congratulations on "his phat shorty" at a press conference last religious perschon, and when I heard that but hell, I used to be the biggest coke addict your wedding, and I hope your new CD September. Liza will not be inschulted like there was a member in the Clan named U- of them all, so who am I to judge? goes platinum! • Britney and Justin: My Late Night Odyssey

when agitated, actually maintains that unnatural dolphin squeakiness that I thought was added in the studio. I saw the hideous shoes peeking out from under one of the metal stall doors, and realized there was definite disharmony emanating from the diva-in -training's chamber. Now, Britney may not say anything stronger than "freakin"' in interviews, but let me tell you, that's only in interviews. Or at least, not when she's accusing her The boyfriend of cheating on her. I couldn't hear everything (the music was blasting Earned Income beyond the ladies' room door), but that Tax Credit. was definitely the gist of the argument. You've earned As I stood listening and smearing on way too much gloss in my transfixed state, the it. Why not stall door flew wide open and Britney claim it? stormed out. She was as orange as ever, but even the tanning bed glow couldn't If you're working hard just to make hide the fact that she was furious. Justin ends meet and have one or more skulked out sheepishly after her, muttered children living with you, you may something and quickly exited. qualify for the EITC. Think of it as a Naturally, I rushed out of the bath- reward for doing one of life's most room to share the dish with my friends— beautiful, most important and most no one could believe what I'd overheard. loving jobs. Visit our Web site or Things got a little more unbelievable ask your tax preparer if you qualify. Britney and Justin Before "the Night" when we hopped over to Beige and noticed Justin canoodling (sans his girl- A message from the Internal By Erin Potts FCLC '03 mistake and went about my business. Later, friend) with Wade Robison, Britney's Revenue Service. I ventured into the ladies' room to touch up choreographer, in a corner. Neither www.irs.gov I have to confess, I knew about the my lip gloss. As I dug around in my purse seemed to notice her absence. The mag- ,Britney».and,Justin split long before US for the precise Lancome Juicy Tube shade azines and PR people may tell you that Magazine splashed the story across its I'd applied earlier in the evening, I realized the ubiquitous couple ended it over cover, A few weeks ago, I was at a club that the surprisingly empty bathroom was- Justin's burgeoning solo career. But trust downtown and spied the so-called couple n't as empty as it looked. me, it was anything but Justin going solo on the dance floor, I made a comment to I heard Britney's unmistakable, "Not A that spoiled the Mickey Mouse Club- The litsnil Rsvaiis Sin/ice my friend about how Britney's shoes were a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" voice, which, made romance. • Working to pit tervici first •%••• April 12,2002 Vox: Month of Fools Section page 23 The Pope's Newest Offering Doesn't Come on a Cross

By George Cabrera FCLC '02 Brimstone" it is difficult to foresee that the church is going to want to When I heard the title of the CD, 1 keep him there. What's more is that was not really surprised at all. the Pope has already signed a three- Confessions. It seemed simple album contract with Motown Records, enough, not unlike any of the more leaving him little "quality" church controversial ones that I had heard of time. When asked why he signed John before, what with titles like Paul, CEO Roger Daniels replied, Madonna's Immaculate Collection "He's the Pope; God is on his side. If and Erotica. However, rather than we'Te on his side, then God is. on ours being a compilation of songs by a too. We'll go to Heaven and our sales blonde goddess or a pink haired will be right up there with us." It beauty, the artist who claims the fame would seem that His Holiness already to Confessions is very different; he is has more than just religious followers, the head of the Roman Catholic he has financial ones as well. Church himself, his Holiness, John I must admit, however, that while I Paul II. Surprised? I know I was. was skeptical and listened to only the You are all no doubt wondering first few tracks of the CD, I immedi- what the head of the church is doing ately found myself enthralled with the recording an album at his age and throaty, rich voice of the holder of the with his religious status. The answer, Papacy. If anything may be said about or at least the one that John Paul gave this music, it is that it's original. at a press conference promoting his Listeners will hear a conglomeration album yesterday, is this: "I'm tired of of Paul's own confessions about his living the life of a saint; I want some- life, and the difficulties he faced on thing more. All my life I have tried to his road to becoming the earthly advo- make a difference in the world and it cate to "The Father in Heaven," mixed is still in the same shape, if not worse with wild techno beats, the kind found than before. Well, now I can enter only in the biggest and most expen- each person's home with my songs sive night clubs. and I can influence them. I have cre- The initial sound is a beating ated a whole new type of music." drum, coupled with repetition of the While John Paul has certainly lyrics "I am who I am," something shocked both the music and religious that the Pope naturally (r,olls off his worlds with his apparent abandonment tongue. It is without a doubt that of the church, he has assured that that John Paul knew what he was doing is not the case at all. He clearly when he recorded the album. After expressed his desire to remain in the all, club music is some of the most seat of the papacy. However, with popular today and the album is bound titles like "Sweatin' Cause of to be a success. • Pope John Paul II Cafeteria Article

By Eric Andersson chain, that they discovered the Sodexho/Lincoln Center cover up. FBI Ivanna P. Allot, FCLC '05, discovered agents across the country have been pos- -"•. that Sodexho has been working to cover up ing as simple fast food workers in order to that the notoriously disgusting fast food discover the truth about the White Castle chain, White Castle is actually the food chain. provider for the Lincoln Center Campus. Other students commented on the con- "At first I just thought it was just bad troversy such as Anita P. Freely, FCLC '03. cafeteria food," Allot said. Freely said, "It does surprise me a little that However, upon her many visits to the White Castle is responsible for our cafeteria Rose Hill campus for band practice, shebe- food. I didn't even think it was real food." gan noticing a distinct difference between Brad Pita FCLC '04 said, "I cant believe The Student Voice of Fordham College at Lincoln Center the food there and at Lincoln Center. "It Ian was in the FBI. They must train those was easy to tell," Allot said. "One was edi- guys well because he made some of the best ble, while the other was not. The pieces real- chicken wraps I have ever eaten." ly came together when I tasted the chicken Ure Anid Eotte, FCLC '04, stated, "I strips. I knew that the slimy taste was dont believe it. There is no way the White familiar to me. So I began poking around the Castle in the reason for our food. Why cafeteria when only a few people were would White Castle try to kill us?" working (which was pretty much all of the Members of the Lincoln Center cafeteria time) and that's when I discovered Ian." staff did not comment on the situation (But Ian Bartholomew, long-time chef at the some of them did make us empty our pockets Lincoln Center campus, was discovered by to see if we took anything and then tried to Allot to actually be an agent from the charge us $2.50 for a straw). However, Dean Federal Bureau of Investigation. Allot Mean who oversaw the cafeteria said, "I stated, "I realized that Ian was more than a never understood why they wouldn't hire a chef when he asked me one day, "You want larger staff. Turns out, they just didn't have pickle?" and then he winked at me." any more White Castle employees available." Bartholomew refused to comment on Members of the Fordham College at the situation. But upon contacting the Lincoln Center administration are, at this FBI, they released a statement. The state- time, trying to find a solution to the cafeteria ment informed citizens that White Castle dilemma now facing them. Several student has long been under suspicion for several groups, such as USG, have posed possible "* M reasons, and that it was through their solutions to the problem, however, they arc investigation of the White Castle food continuously being ignored. • Vox: Month of Fools Section April 12, 2002

^Fashion ^Corner When regular eyeglasses no longer help, there By Kia Warren FCLC '05 are other things that will. Hey boys and girls! Happy Month of Fools! I thought that 1 would celebrate this time CCTV of pranks and jokes by disclosing some amusing letters I got from the stylishly inept, more commonly known as "fashion vic- tims." Now, we all know that I am no Joan Rivers, nor would I ever aspire to be, but I these poor individuals obviously needed to

be steered in the right direction; See for Courtesy of MTV yourself. Jesse Camp, fashion victim

Dear KM, imenting with pleather, but I can i seem to I can never figure out how to combine the find a perfect fit for my body type. Can you new fashion craze, patchwork, with my com- suggest any labels that are good for pear- fortable collection of plaid shirts. Please shaped women? Help! -Ann Gora -CoraSette Ann, what you should really be asking is: Dearest Cora, at 35, should I even come within 5 feet of Here is why you cannot seem to unravel pleather? Undertake "experimenting" with a the enigma surrounding patchwork and leather blazer and jeans, and I'll pretend this plaids: THEY DON'T GO TOGETHER! conversation never happened. Try heaving out the tartan tops, and pairing a striped or embroidered chemise with some Hey KM jeans for a start And remember: less is This Saturday will be my first time dating always more! since my divorce last year, and 1 haven I the slightest intimation what to wear. I had in Hello Kilo, mind a frilly mini skirt with some leg warm- With springtime rolling around, I was ers, which I picked up on during Fashion wondering: should I continue wearing my Week What do you think? There are services and devices converse sneakers, or is it okay to start -Fey Dora National sporting my espadrUles? that can help people make the Eye -Polly S. Terr Well, my dear Fey, if you want to go Madonna on your date and scare him back most of the vision they have. Institute Okay Pol, honey, mere is never a good to 1986, this is definitely the way to go. Call for a free booklet: NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH time to break out the espadrilles. Yeah, those Otherwise, a simple black, knee-length cork-bottom shoes were really popular in dress with subtle accessories will suffice. 1-877-LOW VISION (1-877-569-8474) the 70's but so were polyester suits and The Little Black Dress is like a compass, LSD. If you MUST, stick to the Converse you can never go wrong with it (although those are borderline ridiculous). Questions? Problems? Comments? HiKUd, lam a 35year old woman exper- Email me@: [email protected] • The Observer Interviews Creed's Scott Stapp

By Gavin McConnack FCLC '04 the Stapp was having a conversation with stapp has a $4,000 haircut The Stapp Christ the other day, Mano-a-mano, and intends on brushing his own teeth and Following his disastrous attempts to lead Christ told The Stapp that the work he cleaning his own bottom from now on, as a religious mass suicide in the Mojave was doing here on earth is the work of well. Plus, The Stapp just hired someone to desert, the enigmatic cultural juggernaut God, and that The Stapp should go forth make sure his chest is constantly covered in that is Scott Stapp contacted Lou Perlman, boldly and continue. Vaseline, so it gleams at all times. and assembled the band you have come to know and love as Creed. Mr. Stapp was The Observer: Ah, I see..,Mr. Stapp, can Observer: Just out of curiosity, what is kind enough to phone this interview in from I ask why you continue to refer to yourself that person's official job title? atop a pile of hundred dollar bills. in the third person?. Scott Stapp: Chief Torso Lube Scott Stapp: Why shouldn't The Stapp Observer: First off, Mr. Stapp, I'd like to refer to himself in the third person? Do you Observer: Ahh, I see. So are you thank you for taking time from your busy have any idea who The Stapp is? involved with the direction of your videos? credit schedule to meet with us. Scott Stapp: Oh yeah, Jesus told The Creed Frontman Scott Stapp Scott Stapp: No problem. Christ be Observer: Yes I do, which brings us to Stapp to watch out for those Hollywood with you. another point. I've noticed you take a com- types, they can destroy your artistic vision. Scott Stapp: People will always want to manding front man position in the band, When I went into the record company persecute genius, it comes from jealousy. I Observer: Thanks. That's actually and that you've gathered a lot of attention. offices and pitched the idea for "Arms Wide know all about it, when I bought my wife, something I'd like to ask you about. There Maybe you can answer this: Why is Open," they were a little skeptical. But after my neighbors looked on with envy. But The seems to be a very strong Christian pres- America teeming wifli Stapp Fever? I explained that I would run from the scary Stapp has the courage to persevere, and The ence in Creed's music. Is that something Scott Stapp: It's only natural for The meteor shower through the underground Stapp is just grateful that he has the oppor- you'd care to discuss? Stapp to get a lot of press. The Stapp stands river to the top of the mountaintop to strike tunity to rock the house with the big J.C. Scott Stapp: Yes* The Stapp believes for important issues. Like, you know how a Christ pose, they started to understand that Hey, let me ask you a question. there is a notable Christian undertone to our people in other countries are, like, starving? they were dealing with a genius. And God. Observer: Sure. , ,, .,„,_._.,„„«_. music. The Stapp feels very close to Jesus, The Stapp thinks that's messed up. on a very personal level. Observer: Right. Gotcha. So, just one Scott Stapp: Have you ever been The Observer: Ahh, I see. more thing. How do you respond to critics touched by an angel? Observer: Well, that's nice. Scott Stapp: Plus, the Stapp takes good who say you're the lamest thing since Jon Observer: No. No sir I have not Thank Scott, Stapp: Of course it is. In fact, care of himself. The Stapp works out. The Bon Jovi's soiled underpants? you for your time. •

111 , -"ii,1 April 12, 2002 Vox: Month of Fools Section page 25 Joins Fordham

By Joe Barone PCLC OS would be their new starting right field- Yankees manager in four years, he dog in two bites and said Watch what 1 er and team captain for next season. would be glad to have the Babe aboard. can do without all that healthy stuff, kid. Babe Ruth, the most beloved base- But the Yankees have already contacted His personality fits well with our ball- And he proceeded to hit a monster shot ball player ever, has been taken ouf of Ruth and'after college, he will be mak- club, said Torre. I can also use him that no one was able to reach and must his secret cryogenic freezing chamber, ing $ 115 million a year. as a relief pitcher if we ever need him have been nearly 700 feet away. and will soon be attending Fordham The staff of the Observer contacted down the stretch. When asked, several players said University, FCLC class of 2006. 1 just George Steinbrenner s office, to get an The Babe interjected, I don t know that meeting the Babe and getting a always wanted to further my education official statement about this obvious how I m gonna do this. So far I have chance to play with him were once in a and Fordham University seetns to be boost to the Yankees offense. It 1,406 requests to hit a home run for lifetime experiences. The first baseman such a great place to do sc/, /S3ys Ruth. would be great to prove just how great dying children. But 111 do my best. said, Babe Ruth is baseball. Period. When he was taken ouf or Cryogenic these Yankees can be. If you thought Bonds got nothing on me. The coach stated his jubilation by freezing, Ruths body was''altered to they were good before, just imagine But baseball isn t the only reason comparing Ruth to Superman. He can that of his youth, so he says he will also how they 11 be in four years. Ruth came back to New York. I also hit em [the balls] just as far. join the Fordham University baseball Steinbrenner went on to say, I just like the women., he proclaims on a The current right fielder commented^ • team, after a tryout of course. want to show my rivals there s no such later interview.; I don t know what I guess it s back to sewing for, me. ' • I feel great, I m at my peak, and I thing as buying a World-Series cham- they put in the Water, but women ,here, So how far will the Rams go this figure I d show some of these fellas a pionship.* Ruth could have signed any- to use7 a conventional term, are hot. year? It doesn t look too good there, thing or two about baseball, said the where he wanted. He chose new York. Doctors suggested that Ruth should kid. I m not a whole team.ya knoiw, ; Babe. As a matter of fact, at baseball Ruth s reaction: I did it for the try to lose some weight and gain muscle said Ruth. ' . practice, Ruth h\t IS out of 20 pitches money. I love kids, and I could help a as part of a, daily regimen that would When asked why in the world he i for home runs,' and /the rest were lot of them with $115 million a year. Is make him a/better athlete. When he was really decided to join Fordham, the sharply pulled foul,roughly 600 feet. that a lot nowadays? asked about this during practice, •••• Babe aptly stated, Because I didnt get The team was ecstatic to find that Ruth Joe Torre said that if he is still the Babe simply winked, ate an entire hot into NYU. • • Fordhams' Road the National Championship

By Joseph Buone Parker let the clock run down to 5 sec- each scored 24 points, but Fordham's back reverse dunks that seemed to give onds then penetrated into the lane. As frontline made the difference in this Fordham the momentum they lacked in ^.< Cinderella's glass slipper never fit a Terrapin defenders closed in on Parker, slow paced, hard'nosed game. Jeff the first half. Teremun Johnson came team as well as it fits the Fordham Smush found little used Alessandro McMillan, Duke Freerrian'McKamey, off the bench to contain Mike Dunleavy Rams. On Monday, Bob Hill's squad Acquaviva wide open beyond the and Glenn Batemon out muscled the and Jeff McMillan did the same against completed the fairy tale ending to their three'point arc. The native of Napoli, Huskies' front line as Fofdnam won the Carlos Boozer. Duke's offense suddenly already improbable script in front of a Italy drained the shot at the buzzer. The battle on the boards decisively and became stagnant. Jason Williams was sell'out crowd at the Georgia Dome. Rams had made history and thus sent went on to win 66'62. The Rams were forced to take bad shots and Fordham Fordham captured their first NCAA shock, waves through the college bas- going to the Final Four. was allowed to claw back into the game Men's Basketball championship and ketball world. After Duke had defeated Oklahoma and trail by only four with 30 seconds capped off a remarkable run that saw Fordham met a familiar opponent in in the first game of the Final Four dou- left. the Rams go from a team of under the second round, the St. John's Red ble header, Fordham readied them- An Adrien Walton fall away jumper achievers to team of champions. Storm. The Rams met their city rivals selves to take on the winner of the cut the. Duke lead to two with 18 sec- Fordham's "Road to the Final Four" on December 1 and blew an 11'point Midwest region, the Kansas Jayhawks. onds left to play. Fordham fouled Jason began in Philadelphia. The Rams halftime lead in an eventual 76'67 'Roy Williams's team was on a mission Williams quickly after the inbound pass opened the eyes around the country by defeat. Most experts expected a similar to silence critics who said his team and sent him to the free throw line for a winning the Atlantic 10 tournament in result this time after Fordham's miracle couldn't . win the big game. pair of free throws. The All'American a city where they had loss 23 consecu- win against Maryland. However, Unfortunately, for Coach Williams, he looked cool under the pressure and tive games. Fordham went through Fordham came out smoking, hitting and his team will have to hear much of calmly hit both free throws. With the LaSalle, Temple, Richmond, and their first 9 shots of the game and Mike the same next year. Afraid of Fordham's Rams trailing once again by four, Xavier in the championship game to Jarvis' Red Storm never knew what hit ability to beat his players off the drib- Parker hit a corner three pointer that cut earn an unexpected birth in the NCAA them as Fordham blew out St John's ble, Kansas played a 2'3'zone the lead back to only one with 9 sec- tourney. The Rams were going to the 78'56 and moved on to the Sweet 16. defense forcing Fordham to beat them onds remaining. Then Duke °* Big Dance. Fordham, a suddenly dangerous team from the perimeter. Fordham responded Freeman'McKamey came up with a On Sunday, March 3, the entire Rams looked to its next opponent the #4 seed- with one of their best shooting efforts huge defensive play. Duke was able to team as well as a large number of the ed Kentucky Wildcats. Big games were of the season. As a team, Fordham hit get a hand on Dunleavy's inbound pass student body and faculty filled the Rose nothing new for Tubby Smiths group 14 three pointers, 7 coming from .fresh- and it sent the ball high in the air. Mark Hill Gym to await the Rams seed and from the Blue Grass State and experi- man Adrien Walton as the Rams upend- Jarrell'Wright was able to use his leap- region in the upcoming tournament. As ence played a big role early on in this ed the Jayhawks 8073 and headed ing ability to get to the ball first and call the Atlantic 10 champions with an over- one. The Rams appeared nervous at the into Monday's championship ganie time out with just 6 seconds showing on all record of 12'19, the Rams were outset making careless turnovers and against Duke.The Duke Blue Devils, the clock. given, as expected a 16th seed. They shooting an ice cold 28% from the field arguably the nation's most well respect- Out of the timeout, the Rams walked would play the #1 seeded Maryland in the first half as they trailed by four- ed basketball program was what stood onto the court a confident team, one "i Terrapins in trje first round of the East teen 40'26. The second half would be in the way of Fordham and the most that looked to have destiny on their region. a different story as the Rams relied on unlikely underdog story in college bas- side as Walton passed out to Smush The number 16th seed had ever beat- full court pressure to break Kentucky's ketball history. The odds makers'had Parker between the circles about 35 en a #1 since the tournament expanded rhythm on offense and cause turnovers Fordham a 14'point underdog against feet from the basket. Parker, guarded to 64 teams, but the Rams believed that led to easy baskets. Mark Mike Krzyzewski Blue Devils. Duke, by Williams drove towards the basket, records were made to be broken. Jarrell'Wright had six steals in the sec- the defending champions went out to spun in the lane, and let up a shot that Fordham knew they needed their A ond half and finished with 21 points as early ten'point lead as AH'American danced on the rim and fell through as game to even have a chance of beating in a game of two halves Fordham out- guard Jason Williams!, gave , the the buzzer sounded! The Rams were perennial power Maryland and that's lasted Kentucky 75'70. Fordham defense fits and the National Champions! exactly what they brought to the court. In the Regional Final or "Elite inside'out game of Carlos Boozer and Fordham finished the season with an Smush Parker has 26 points and 8 Eight" the Rams went up against the #2 Mike Dunleavy appeared unstoppable. 18'19 overall record and despite that assists, Adrien Walton added 22 of his seeded UConn Huskies. The Big East At the end of the first half, Duke looked losing records were champions. They own from the point position, and champions made the first three rounds well on their way to defending their had come together as a team at exactly Teremun Johnson played an inspiring of the tournament look easy defeating national championship as they led by the right time and realized all their game scoring 18 and pulling down 16 their opponents by an average of six- twelve 50'38. potential and achieved their dreams. A rebounds, Despite solid play, the game teen points. They would not have simi- Fordham's demeanor and style of parade from the Lincoln Center was still in doubt with seconds remain- lar success against the Cinderella play was completely different in the Campus all the way to Rose Hill will ing. After Maryland's Juan Dixon hit a . In a tough, physical second half. They came out with a noth- be on Wednesday celebrating one of 3 to give his team a 2'point lead with game where every point was hard to ing to lose attitude and imposed their the most unforgettable sports stories in 11 seconds remaining, Coach Bob Hill come by, each team's leading scorers will against the talented Blue Devils. our lifetime. All are invited to congrat- called timeout and devised a play. It took charge. Caron Butler, Uconn's tal- Smush Parker and Mark JarreU'Wright ulate the 2002 National Champions, would work to perfection. Smush ented sophomore and Smush Parker dazzled the crowd with a pair of back to the Fordham Rams, • SENIORS! SENIORS! SENIORS! SENIORS!

HAVE YOU PARTICIPATED IN THE 2002 CLASS GIFT?

As seniors, you chose to leave your legacy as the class who cares about Fordham's future students by supporting the Fordham Family Memorial Scholarship Fund. This fund provides tuition assistance to the relatives of those lost on September 11 .

A plaque will be displayed on campus to commemorate our Senior Class Gift and the spirit of the Class of 2002. EVERY SENIOR CAN MAKE

A DIFFERENCE!

And Seniors who choose to take part will have their name listed in a special section in the last issue of the Observer !!!

Call Mari-Chris today at 212.636.6573 for more information or send your gift via campus mail to Mari-Chris Quinn, Developing Office 33 West 60th St., 9th Floor.

Thanks for Caring about Fordham's Tomorrow- Today! April 12, 2002 Sports Why Do We Root for Underdogs? By Vin Gurrieri FCLC 05' ed college basketball team, defeat more with. The fact that underdog teams are into the tournament and that alone makes established competition to win the 1983 more down to earth and accessible is rea- them easy to root for. If there's one thing that's associated National Championship. son enough to root for them. with March, it's the NCAA Tournament. The bottom line is, America loves 4. Upsets make for great sports If there's one thing associated with the rooting for the underdog. Why do people 9. Underdogs pay-off better than moments. tournament, it's the underdogs who come love the underdogs, and why should peo- favorites. There is nothing quite like being a fan from nowhere to defeat the more talented ple root for the underdog.. .well let's see. For anyone with the means to put a and watching a team of unknowns do the teams. Realistically, only about 15 teams, If I can borrow a gimmick from Dave few bucks down on the tournament, they unthinkable. It's the great stories and sur- if that many, have any chance at all to Letterman, here are the Top Ten reasons can make a killing by betting on the right prising moments that underdogs provide win the national championship. The why we should root for the underdog: underdog. Since no one expects them to that keep sports fans coming back for other 49 are there just to say that they win, odds against underdogs are always more. As you are watching an underdo j have played in the NCAA Tournament. 10. Underdogs are easy to relate to. ' very high. If someone has the guts and score an upset, you forget about the Mike Every year during March Madness It's easier to root for the underdogs luck to bet on the right underdog, they Tyson's of the sports world, and you for- there are a handful of teams who crawl because they represent the average Joe, can make a lot of money. Come April 1, get about the amount of money profes- out of obscurity and into prominence by the common man. People love to see a the day the Tournament is over, someone sional athletes are paid. Teams of under- beating a "higher seed"...and audiences team of guys who might as well be their could come home from Vegas as a very dogs are just a bunch of college kids, love them for it. Let's face it, people love next door neighbors, as opposed to a happy person. playing the game for free just because to root for an underdog. The bigger the team of millionaires (or soon to be mil- they love it. Any time one of these teams dog, the more we want to see them win. lionaires,) come out on top. Underdog 8. Underdogs make people look smart. can have some success, it makes for a American audiences loved watching teams are, for the most part, made up of Anyone who has ever participated in a great sports moment to witness. Rocky defeat Apollo Creed; they loved regular college students just like you and March Madness office pool will know watching the USA overcome the USSR me. They are guys that you and I would exactly what I mean by this. Nothing 3. People love surprises and surprises in an Olympic hockey game 22 years go out and have a drink with instead of swells a person's ego more than predict- make for great TV. ago, and they loved watching North guys who have publicists and agents ing ahead of time that an underdog Remember, surprises equal suspense. Carolina St., an unknown and unrespect- telling them who they can have a drink would win a Tournament game. It's like Suspense equals drama and people do having a friend who shoots a hole-in-one love dramatic finishes. Nothing is more while golfing, and it can be just as surprising (or fun) than watching a team Fordham Rams Baseball Gets annoying. Those precious few who pre- from a school you've never heard of, full dict the tournament upsets ahead of time of players you've never seen, from a Ready to Rock the A-10 think they have become basketball town you can't pronounce beating an experts overnight and will never let you established team by a point at the buzzer. 'by Luis E. Hernandez from the first inning. hear the end of it. If that doesn't make for great television I According to Gallagher, the team's don't know what does. If nothing else, The Fordham University baseball troubles stem from two reasons: injuries 7. No one wants to see the rich get instead of forcing viewers to flip the team are ready for their season opener, and youth. Four members of the team are richer. channel when the favorite is winning by being played at Rose Hill's out with Tommy John surgery, of which Sure a team like Duke may be a great a bunch of points, underdogs keep people Field, on March 23 against Dayton. In three are pitchers. Only one, Gary team and they may be defending champi- glued to their TV. People like me love to preparation fof the 2002 Atlantic 10 Kaible, looks to have any possibility of ons, but does anyone, (except Duke fans see something totally and completely baseball season, (hey have begun pre- returning this season. of course,) really want to see them win° unexpected happen. Underdogs make the season competition, and the results have When asked about the huge gap between yet again? Teams like Duke have won so Tournament more fun to watch. proven to be...interesting. batting averages (ranging from .286 to .200) many National Titles that by now rooting After fifteen preseasonf games, their Gallagher responded, "We're a young team, for Duke to win another title is the equiv- 2. Can't these guys have the spotlight record stands at 3-12. In the process of predominantly freshmen and sophomores alent of rooting for Bill Gates to win the just once? racking up these totals, they have been with a sprinkle of juniors, and if s mostly the Lotto. It's the rich getting richer and no The players from schools with large shut out once, and have given up ten or juniors doing the hitting." These juniors one wants to see that. Spectators want it basketball programs, such as Duke and more runs on eight occasions, including would be Jason Conlisk, Tim Boyle, and to be someone else's turn. Kansas, are on TV for half the year. The two twenty-one run ball games. Bobby Kingsbury, last year's A-10 Player of trials and successes of their seasons are They made it into the record books the Year. Also swinging the bat well are 6. Nothing beats seeing great competi- well documented by various media out- while on a West Coast trip, during which sophomore Kurt Thomas and freshman Tim tion. lets. These players get so much televi- they entered the Pepsi/John Quik Classic Short, who has been a pleasant surprise for Great competition is definitely some- sion exposure from stations such as being played in Fresno, California. the Fordham squad. thing underdogs provide. Major champi- ESPN, ABC, and CBS that by the end «» Unfortunately, these are the types of However, Gallagher refused to make onships should not be decided on paper. a season most fans know them on a first records that no team strives to attain. excuses for the squad's shortcomings. So many people in college basketball name basis. Smaller schools, however, Against Liberty University, they tied the He considers them to be a good club work so hard to be successful, it is only don't get anywhere near this kind of tournament's record for most runs and with potential. When asked about the fair that the outcomes should be deter- exposure. For these teams, they have one most earned runs given up in a game dur- team's disappointing appearance at mined on the court. No team should be chance a. year to shine and to make a ing a 21-1 loss. Fresno, he did say that they played ter- excluded or discarded just because they name for themselves...tournament time. In the process of losing 18-3 to Illinois rible and that their opponents were way are not as popular or not as well known. Most of the time these teams just show State, they tied the tourney record for most in front of them. Their one error-filled The beauty of the NCAA Tournament is up and lose their first-round games, errors in a game with seven. The end result game was precisely that, one bad game that every team, even the not-so-well- playing in awe of their high profile of their performance at the Classic: a last were everything else went bad. known underdogs, have an equal chance. opponents whom they see nightly "^ place finish where they dropped all six of Summing it up in what could perhaps be The winners are settled on the court, the SportsCenter. Every once in a while, their tournament games. These six losses a perfect description of their perfor- way it should be, where any team has a though, a few of these teams are able to formed part of an eight game skid that had mance there, he stated, "We got die shit chance to win. Like Chris Berman from pull off monumental upsets and earn the Rams reeling, in need of something to kicked out of us." ESPN likes to say when an upset occurs, their fifteen minutes of fame. They can turn them around. Asked if he felt his team was ready for "That's wjhy they play the games". finally get a share of the spotlight that so They got that something when they the A-10,- he could only say that they often avoids them. returned to on March 19 to would find out this week when it started. 5. The underdogs work harder to get face the Long Island Blackbirds in their He's taking the games as they come, wor- into the Tournament. 1 .It's great to see kids realize their home opener. Fans who braved the cold to rying first about their next game versus Unlike many high profile teams, dreams. cheer their team on were rewarded when St. Francis College. "We'll decide what underdogs are teams that have no chance The NCAA Tournament is the ultimo Fordham overcame a two-run first-inning we do in the league when we get there," of receiving a bid without winning their in athletic competition. Players in these deficit to blow out the Blackbirds 10-3. he said. conference tournament. Conferences like games are playing as hard as they can, hop- Starter Jon Baco held LIU to five hits It is certain that the Rams will give all the MAC and the MVC have no chance ing to achieve their goals and live their and two runs across seven innings, and they've got to go far this season. Their of getting any of their other teams in. dreams of winning just one tournament relief pitcher Bryan Kelley gave up a win at their home opener is definitely These, along with other small confer- game. However, win or lose, no matter solo shot in the eighth. The Rams cut the something that can add to their confi- ences, simply don't have the name value what they do for the rest of their lives, these first inning deficit in half with a run in dence. that major conferences, such as the Big players can say they got to live their dream the bottom of the first, took the lead with After the game, Gallagher just said, East and ACC, have. The only way for and play in the NCAA Tournament. The .threeijnpre in the third, rallied to score "Listen to those guys." AH across the these smaller schools from less recogniz- emotions of the winners getting one step five in the sixth and finished their scor- field, all that could be heard was the team able conferences to get into the NCAA closer to the immortality of winning a tin*/ ing with one in the seventh. Head Coach laughing and celebrating. The Ram spirit Tournament is to win their conference and the emotions of the losers coming this Dan Gallagher said he thought his play- is strong and so is their will to tear into tournament. These underdog teams work close to that same dream is what sports is ers had a well-played ball game aside their competition. • twice as hard as major schools just to get all about. • 6d Burns Susan CSSey Brian Williams Stuart Scott Don Hewitt Nayaba Aflnde Actof/Dlrector Sjuorts JflusOafcef rtbnw NBC SportsCenter, ESPN 60 Minutes The Dally Challenge New York Ethnic Press: One City, Many Voices As the city's immigrant newspapers take on a new dimension in the wake of the terrorist attacks, their publishers fight hard to survive in an ever-diminishing advertising market- Leading edi- tors explore new ways to ensure these voices are heard. Alexis DeChlmay Thursday, April 18 Atlantic Records 6:00 to 7:30 pm Baruch College, Newman Conference Center 151 East 2$ih Street (between 3rd 6t Lex, Sports Marketing fit Media Bonnie Bernstein Part 1, Marketing: Show Me the Money CBS Sports 5fOO to 6:30 pm Behind every champion there's a winning teaW of marketers, fincf out how you can break into this mu(ti-&$fc# efcflaY indus- try &ti6 turn your marketing sawy and passion* for sports into a rewarding career.

Serena Kim Part 2. Media: Skills and Strategies Vibe Magazine 6:30 to 8:00 pm You don't have to be an athlete toenjdyarca'fe'er in sports Learn how you can join the exciting and iffiip&titm wOrfcf of sports media and live your dream. Leading players reveal how ibey got into the game.

J. Max Robin* Thursday, May 2 TV Guide 5:00 to 8:00 pm HBO, 15th Floor flte&f 1100 Avev 6f the Americas (at 42nd St.) Brter Guber: The Road to Mandafay Founder of Mandalay Entertainment shares his insights and anec- Fabian Duvemay mm dotes about the art and business of filmmaking. Guber, co- Arista Records author (with Peter Bart) of Shoot Out, speaks with the DGA's Brian Rose about his vision of the future of film.

»*• Monday, May 13 7<<$ to 8:20 pm CtM Graduate Center Veena Merchant

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