IJ I SAKE MONEY AND GET STUCK WITH FREE BUTTONS! OFFER #\ WITH A 40-ISSUE SUBSCRIPTION rzT OT $13.25
AND GET ALL 10 SEMI-PRECIOUS BUTTONS SHOWN ON THIS PAGE —?£<*' WH0 •FJWiAD •>y." ;-ysNEEDS ABSOLUTELY FREEH! WFt MEMBER U.S. Y0U! (A $12.50 RIPOFF RETAIL VALUE!) f * ICE SKATING TEAM scx~ **' WITH A 24-ISSUE SUBSCRIPTION
AND GET THE FIVE SEMI-RARE BUTTONS SHOWN ABOVE ABSOLUTELY FREEH! (A $6.25 RIPOFF RETAIL VALUE!) WITH AN 8-ISSUE SUBSCRIPTION
^«J MEMBER U.S. ^ GYMNASTIC TEAM?
MEMBER U.S. AND WE GET STUCK WITH ARCHERY TEAM OUR SEMI-MORONIC BUTTONS! (D0N7BEAPINHEAD, GO FOR ONE OF THE OTHER SHARP OFFERS!)
New York, New York 10022
C I enclose $46.75* Please send me the next 40 semi-literate issues of MAD and my 10 free MAD buttons! I love wasting money! NAME
• I enclose $29.75* Please send me the next 24 semi-legible issues of MAD and my five free MAD buttons! I like wasting money! ADDRESS.
• I enclose $11.75* Please send me the next eight semi-laughable issues of MAD and stop pushing buttons, already! CITY.
Z CHECK HERE IF RENEWAL NUMBER OF CAVITIES STATE. ZIP. AT LAST CHECK UP
•Outside U.S.A. (including Canada), $15.25 for 8 issues or $38.75 for 24 issues or $59.75 for 40 issues in U.S. Funds payable by International Money Order or Check drawn on a U.S.A. Bank. Allow 10 weeks for subscription to be processed. MAD Magazine cannot be responsible for cash lost or stolen in the mails so CHECK OR MONEY ORDER PREFERRED! .. USE COUPON OR DUPLICATE —i NUMBER 291
"THE BLUNDER YEARS" (A MAD You know illiteracy is a problem when the only thing most TV SATIRE) people can read are George Bush's lips!" Pg.4 —Alfred E. Neuman
WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher NICK MEGLIN, JOHN FICARRA editors LEONARD BRENNER art director TOM NOZKOWSKI production CHARLIE KADAU, JOE RAIOLA, SARA FOWLER associate editors DICK DE BARTOLO creative consultant AMY GILLETT summer intern JACK ALBERT lawsuits ANNE GAINES logistics GLORIA ORLANDO, LILLIAN ALFONSO, M.C. GAINES subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS
A VIEW TO AN ILL DEPARTMENT Comp-U-Doc Self-Service Medical Terminal 10 BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side of 40 BIG-NAME BRANDS DEPARTMENT More Items from MAD's Celebrity Supermarket 12 DEFLATER MOUTH DEPARTMENT MAD's Big Ego Busters 34 FOR YOUR PRIZE ONLY DEPARTMENT Why You Are Sure to Win the Next Magazine Publisher's Sweepstakes 16 FORD-GONE CONCLUSION DEPARTMENT "Inbanana Jones and His Last Crude Days" (A MAD Movie Satire) 45 FRANK ON A ROLL DEPARTMENT "Baseball at the Bat" 24 HOGAN'S ZEROES DEPARTMENT "No Hoax Barred" (Another MAD Movie Satire) 28 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy 15 LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT Random Samplings of Reader Mail 2 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT "Drawn-Out Dramas" by Sergio Aragones ** REACHING NEW HYPES OF ABSURDITY DEPARTMENT MAD's Political Image Maker of the Year 19 SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT A MAD Look at Ghosts 38 SCHLOCK THE PRESSES DEPARTMENT How Newspapers Write Misleading Headlines (To Jazz Up Otherwise Dull Stories) 36 SIXTIES-SOMETHING DEPARTMENT "The Blunder Years" (A MAD TV Satire) 4 TALES FROM THE DUCK SIDE DEPARTMENT The Lusty Ledge Legend 9 The Feathered Feeding Frenzy 23 The Jarring Jungle Joyride 33 THIS JUST IN... AND OUT DEPARTMENT Fleeting Stars of the 6 O'Clock Local News 26 "Various Places Around the Magazine "INBANANA FRONT COVER ARTIST: SAM VIVIANO BACK COVER ARTIST: GREG THEAKSTON JONES AND BACK COVER WRITER: MIKE SNIDER HIS LAST MAD (ISSN 0024 9319) is published monthly except February. May. August and November by E.G. Publications, Inc.. 485 MAOison CRUDE DAYS" Avenue. New York, NY 10022. Second class postage paid at New York. NY and at additional mailing oftices. Subscription in U.S.A.: 8 issues $11.75 or 24 issues S29.75 or 40 issues $46.76. Outside U.S.A.. 8 issues $15.25 or 24 issues $38.75 or 40 issues $5975. Entire (A MAD MOVIE contents copyright © 1989 by EC Publications. Inc. Allow 10 weeks for cjange ol address to become effective, and include mailing label when making change ol address or inquiring about your subscription. POSTMASTER: send address change to MAO, 485 MADison SATIRE) Avenue. New York, NY. 10022. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible lor unsolicited manuscripts, and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return envelope. The names ol characters used in all MAO tiction and semi-liction are Pg.45 fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. ' Printed in U.S.A. LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPT. A MAD RUSSIAN PARENTAL PROS AND CONS In the Soviet Union, we use Russian mag You will be pleased to know that my azines for toilet paper. When I came to 10-year-old son and his friends are addicted America, I found something that works to MAD. I suppose I should make some even better. Thanks for making me feel at mother-like noises and declare the magazine home! too subversive and degenerative to young Yakov Smirnoff minds, but I was also similarly addicted in Los Angeles, CA my youth! It's most reassuring that you are still out there thumbing your nose at the pretentious and the powerful as much as ever! Sonia Meneghin "BATTYMAN" Walnut Creek, Ca In MAD #289 you made the mistake of putting the Superman logo on Alfred E. We just received our first issue of MAD. I Neuman's Batman costume. I'm sure it was am very disappointed and disgusted with just a dumb mistake. the amount of sexual references. My son is Zachary K. Nyhus only 10 and I consider this inappropriate Buffalo Lake, MN material for him. Cancel my subscription. Monique Cenac Zachary K. Nyhus... is that a name or an anti- Houma, LA biotic?-Ed. Open question to our readers: Who would you want for your mother??—Ed. You have really screwed up now! On the cover of MAD #289, Battyman's suit has a Superman symbol on it! Did you forget what FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE Batman's real symbol looks like? I am French and I have been reading your JeffNau "Mad gazine" for about 20 years now. Amer Springfield, MO ican language has always been my hobby No, we forgot what the rest of Superman's cos and I must thank you for having improved tume looks like!—Ed. my knowledges of how Americans are talk ing to each others. I am used to trashy MAD movie satires, Russian/American comic Yakov Smirnoff, Patrick Brunet who was featured in our article "If but when I read "Battyman" I was truly Different Comedians Told the Same Joke" Genas, France impressed. You reduced Batman to what he reads a copy of MAD #289. We don't know Pate—Thanks for your ooh la la letter! It might really is: a fool in tights, a lunatic in Gotham what his "A-OK" sign is referring to! interest you to know that the French language City no better than street scum. Thank you, is a hobby of MAD's own Frank (Francois) Jacobs. In fact, whenever Frank goes to a Steak thank you, thank you! & Brew, he always goes for the French dressing Nick Kuminoff at the salad bar!—Ed. San Rafael, CA
Nick—you seem pretty touchy about fools in "MAD CHARTS" tights... Professional jealousy, perhaps?—Ed. CLOWN AND DOUBT In "MAD Charts" (#289), you left out I noticed that in "Renegade Clowns" these Top Rock Tours: The Cars and Mike I received my subscription issue of MAD (MAD #289 back cover), Cleo the Clods and the Mechanics on the CAR ME #289 (featuring your "Battyman" satire) on mugshot number is wrong. It reads Alaska, CHANICS TOUR and Ratt and Poison on June 16, 1989, a week before the furshlug- The Cold State, 1953." Alaska didn't become the RATT POISON TOUR! giner movie even came out!! And what's even a state until 1959 Just giving you a pointer. Stephen Flood stranger is that both MAD and Batman are Robert Falzone Brandor, VT owned by Warner Communications. A little Massapequa Park, NY Now that you mention it, how about Barry headstart, perhaps? Well it's a nifty idea! Manilow and Menudo on the...Oh, maybe Nice historical catch but you're slightly off. It we'd better just forget about this one!—Ed. Robert Gwin was Guam that became a state in 1953. It Norwich, CT wasn't until 1966 that the U.S. purchased Alaska from Puerto Rico for $24 worth of trin How did we get our satire out so early? Rumor kets (in what is now known as the Louisiana has it we had a little help from some joker... Purchase)!—Ed.
GUN SHOTS It is our Constitutional Right to keep and bear arms. I like your magazine, but I am kind of sick and tired of your jokes about the NRA. My father and I are both members of the NRA and I just don't care for your jokes about guns, gun clubs and the NRA. Tom Boyd Clute.TX
Tommy gun—You keep mentioning the initials "NRA" without explaining what they stand for. We can only assume you mean the No-good- beer-bellied-narrow-minded-killers-of-wild- life-and-the-profits-soaked-in-blood-gun- manufacturers-who-bribe-legis- lators-to-make-weapons-easily-available- for-the-senseless-slaughter-of-hundreds-of- innocent-victims-every-year Rifle Associaton. Batman's "Joker," Jack Nicholson: Where did he get that wonderful issue? Is that the one you mean?—Ed. ENVELOPE OF THE MONTH WHAT IS... NOTHING LIKE THE MOVIE BATMAN? UNRELATED TO TV'S IHE WONDER YEARS?? TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM Although we decided not to print the letter Bill White of Scituate, MA sent us, we couldn't pass up his absolutely prehistoric envelope! Fa! NINTENDO???
MORON MAIL A BUM "RAP" In a world of $4.00 magazines that consist "When Rap Music Spreads Into of 50% advertising, finding a publication for Everyday Life" under $2.00 that does not accept any outside Is sure to cause the postman advertising is truly stunning. Mind you, a pain and strife; blow on the head with a large fish is stun Qi2 I know that MAD will be inundated ning too! With tap letters that the readers created; Andy Cameron Most of them will be very poor San Diego, CA Some of them even worse for sure! So I'll just sit back and let time go by Stunning, Ando-man? You don't know the Till my letter is printed with some THESE THINGS CAN ONLY DESCRIBE ONE BOOK. meaning of the word! Stunning is the first wide- smart-ass reply! eyed stare of a newborn child. Stunning is the petal of a rose floating gently on the surface of Mikejenkinson an uninfested pond. Stunning is the morning Winnipeg, Canada Cfj WA3NERBOOKS3555?«S3S0US.A (S4 80CAN.) sun, gleaming off the gold tooth of a Guatate- malan widow carrying a large fish (which she bought for under two dollars, we might add)! Don't write back until you know the meaning of Your rap didn't make us go ha ha ha, the word stunning!—Ed. we think you're a schmuck, so fa fa fa!—Ed. I i\ CAKE FROSTING?
^iBMB
Steve—Hmmm! Looks good! Save us a little piece... and save us some cake too!—Ed.
MORE MORON MAIL In Spy Vs. Spy, why do teeth ALWAYS Please Address All Correspondence To: appear when a spy gets shot, squished, splat MAD, Dept. 291,485 MADison Avenue tered, swatted, exploded or destroyed? New York, New York 10022 JoeStuhff MAD welcomes reader submissions. Manuscripts will not Las Vegas, NV be returned or acknowledged, however, unless they are accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope or a Because we're a family magazine!—Ed. note congratulating John and Marilyn on their new house! ON SALE WHEREVER THIS BOOK IS SOLD! SIXTIES-SOMETHING DEPT. We can see why adults in their thirties and forties enjoy a popular sitcom about growing up in the 1960's. After all, it was their time! But why does it have such appeal to kids in 1989? Could it be that today's kids are comforted by seeing what jerks their parents were back then? You bet! Yup, parents may refer to the 1960's as "the good old days," but any moron can plainly see that they were really... THEBD
This is a home movie shot of me on my 13th This is my brother, Wane! How a This is my hippie sister, Baren! birthday, 21 years ago! I'm now 34, have certifiable sadist/sociopath got None of us in the family can total recall and can remember every into our nice, midwestern, figure out what she does all day! insignificant thing that's ever happened suburban family is one of the She doesn't seem to go to school to me! It's an ability that makes me a mysteries this show never explains! or have a job! Someday, one of perfect narrator for a nostalgia sitcom us will have the guts to ask her! like this one! The problem is it also Hello, "Save the Baby Harp makes me a terrible bore at dinner parties! Seals Foundation"? Could \\±CL. Js 3 you save one for me? I'll Son, you're bring my own baseball bat! I had this really big fight with my a little iK father! He's anti-abortion! So I small for an y- said to him, "If you won't allow 8-year-old! abortions you know what people will start to call you? He said, "What?" I said, "A grandfather!" We had to rush him to the hospital! AG^tO, II, I27|piy IP
<-. « ;s.,*«
^SW Here we are at my 13th birthday party! Naturally, the TV News is My job as narrator is to tell you what's in young on in the background! In our house, the TV News is always on, at Kute-in's mind! Sometimes I make rather pompous any time of day or night! Not that we're really interested in observations that sound profound, like: "Growing what's going on in the real world, but we have to remind the up means saying goodbye to comforting illusions!" audience that we're back in the 1960s! And since people in the Again, no one questions things like that! Even if 1980s don't think anymore, we know we can get away with it! 1980s people understood it, it would mean Like, who's going to question that back then 24-hour news stations nothing to them! Let's face it—if people today didn't exist and started about 15 years later, you? Fat chance! knew how to think, who would accept Ninja Turtles? JNDER YEARARTIST: SAM VIVIANO WRITER: STASN HART My brother was relentless in his cruelty, especially I Wane, stop Your mother's right, At his height, he's if he found out one of your deepest, darkest secrets.. i being Wane! Don't you gotta look up to me I such a want Kute-in to no matter what 1 Yeah, but his 1 creep! look up to you? say or do, anyway! Social Studies teacher happens
Hey, hold it! How about letting Golly, Kute-in, I want to be your Pull down that shade This whole Wane! What other people tell friend as well as your older brother! if and you die! show is from are you about how things only your doing in my really were back point of view! flashback? in those years! Where were we? Oh, yes...my mother loved to cook! Unfortunately, I've decided —at today's meeting I just hope you're she was the only one in the family who enjoyed her activity... I'm going to burn my bra! in it when you do!
Baren, I understand Yes! It's about my Certainly you're writing a strong belief that not this pamphlet for your a woman's place is woman! Women's Lib group! not in the kitchen!
My sister Baren called herself a "political activist"! To her, can remember only one time in my life that my meant being active in the back seat of Freedom Ride buses brother Wane ever tried to apologize to me...
"i \ (Kiss, kiss, kiss) (Kiss, kiss) Gee, Kute-in, if I thought I don't want your stupid Jb^J Whattimedowe Alabama?Thisbusis Close enough! j you couldn't take a joke, baseball card, Wane, going to Montreal! (Kiss, kiss) I'd never have fractured especially an old one your nose, or given you like this 1952 Mickey a brain concussion! I'm Mantle! I threw sorry! Here, take this out three of them last baseball card! It's one week! They'll never of my very favorites! be worth anything!
My mother was the only If you really want to know how I mother in the neighbor could calmly face a family with hood who hadn't changed a husband who never spoke to his her hair style since she kids, a daughter who was in her was in high school! It own psychedelic heaven, and two always amazed me how she sons who made my life a living could face everything hell, I'll let you in on a little with such quiet calm... secret—massive doses of Valium! ...it was embarrassing! You were such a Where are they all today? Well, my best My brother, Wane, became a shrimp, the damn jacket was 3 sizes too friend Pale made a fortune on Wall Street TV evangelist! He learned small! Thanks a bunch for making me the as a stock broker! That is, until he was how to turn his natural flair laughing stock of the seventh grade! caught doing insider trading! Pale is now for intolerance and hatred serving five to seven in federal prison... into a profit...
My sister Baren survived the turbulent Mom and dad are in Florida! They may be 1960's and, like countless others of her retired, but they keep themselves busy... generation, wrote a screenplay about it... ..; I've got an ...:\:,. •. Now this time, kids, Okay, (Kiss, kiss, kiss) Alcoholics That'll be fine! I want more feeling roll What time do we Anonymous My Drug Rehab from the back of the 'em, get to Alabama? meeting this session ends the Freedom Ride bus! Sid! (Kiss, kiss, kiss) afternoon! same time! What I'll be home would you like around five! for dinner? cook! ^THt "V" ~ =? JS§
Skinny is in a bad marriage! She not only has to take care Me? I can't stop living in the past and talking about my childhood! of two kids, but also has a job making telephone ' spend eight hours a day in the psychiatrist's office so I have solicitations! She's the sole support of her family since no time to go out and look for a job... her husband is a chronic unemployable... It's still so confusing to me, Dr. Nemeroff! If I loved Wane as a brother but hated him as a person, and was attracted to Skinny as a girl but not as a woman, and like Pale as a pal, but not as a buddy, and... TALES FROM THE DUCK SIDE DEPT. *?/<&7 THE LUSTY LEDGE LEGEND
*~mmm i "ii n p"!
IL i ll l Pi SIII!iil |lf IPIWP^Pf rrn-r
ARTIST AND WRITER: DUCK EDWIMG A VIEW TO AN ILL DEPT. It all started with Salad Bars! If you had The folks who invented the Salad Bar went on wanted to make your own dinner you wouldn't to create the Self-Service Gas Station, the have gone to a restaurant in the first place, Pick-Your-Own-Apple Orchard and the Automatic right?!? Well, that was only the beginning! Bank Teller Machine! If you're now sick and tired of doing things for yourself, tough! You ain't seen nothin' yet! MAD now presents a Self-Service idea we're willing to bet you'll be seeing any day now! Step up to the... SERVICE MEDICAL TERMINAL ARTIST: PAUL COKER WRITERS: FLOYD KEMSKE AND PAUL COKER
You Hove Selected: You Have Selected: LXD SORE BACK SHARP CUTTING STING n Please Describe Pain: Most Common Cause: -Dull Throbbing Ache .' "-Over Exertion Of »• -Wild Twitching Spasm • Upper Miniscus —Sharp Cutting Sting « —Occasional Gnawing& Suggested Treatment Cramp i I To Follow LXD Your Account Has Welcome to Compu-Doc TWT Been Billed $450.00 Self Service Medical Terminal (3 144 BIG-NAME BRANDS DEPT. A while back we figured that the popularity of Paul Newman's spaghetti sauce, salad dressing and popcorn would cause other celebrities to come out with products of their own (as a twisted status symbol sort of thing, you know?). So far, they haven't, but that's not stopping us from presenting... MORE ITEMS FROM MADS CELEBRITY SUPERMARKET FABRIC SOFTENER) \| The Royal Way to Crown mceiGas Pains and Bloatin g Gets out even m the toughest Pablum Puking Stains! LEAVES YOUR CLOTHES WITH THE FRESH SCENT OF TOBACCO SMOKE FEEL LIKE A KING AGAIN! 12 R I.C E RONNIE Your guests will sing "Hail to the Chef"! comes out great even when you can't remember how to prepare it! COUPON • INSIDE! Save 50$ on your next purchase of GEORGE BUSH BEER! ONE-DIMENSIONAL PASTA QffJ Will have your guests asking •* ranwrap THE SEXY SEE-THROUGH SANDWICH WRAP Jf Keeps Food HOT—Even in the Refrigerator! ^fe^BERTnTBVBRU^BERTOTRyBR^cA^ - ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITERS: JOE RAIOLA AND CHARLIE KADAU 13 KIWI SHOE WANUTJ, Use it on your Platform Shoes BOL ...and on your s*>» .^ e /*\ l > dull meal? The the »%**!, ^AP OUT OF IT! Sandwich like if • \ ^at that'll Veai,y skinny cuf toake you *e«s seem Juicy ^ , ,. '4- •'"'/ v* feel 7 feet Wte Appetizing! M 7 inches tall young beef' Jl ! | j I .in*0 SLAM your shopP'"^ Isil 14 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. ~" 'W&^f- i Wjk^m % 0&Vg^ 15 FOR YOU PRIZE ONLY DEPT. Look carefully at the Publishers' Sweepstakes envelope below. You probably get one every year, and you probably trash it! You think it's junk mail, and besides, the odds must be crazy that you, out of millions, could be the big winner, right? Wrong! The truth is many people fail to receive their notices. And those who do either trash them or screw up the forms so badly that they're eliminated! So what are you waiting for? Go through your garbage! Get back that entry form and check every box, affix every stupid sticker and rush it in, because MAD has assembled the figures to prove convincingly... PUBLISHERS' SWEEPSTAKES Old Shell Game. CT. Will You Win Ten Million Dollars? PROMPTNESS If you return the preselected winning number by June 30, STICKER'. we will declare that ED STICKYSTUFF HAS BEEN PRESELECTED TO CONCEIVABLY WIN TEN MILLION DOLLARS! MAGA2 You Have 3 Choices! ffpf~f _. ., ,- , , —_ 1040 Egg Carton Blvd. UsDoe YoStickersu Know? How To l»™«°- <*w Among 50,000,000 entries sent out... Of the remaining 35,832,000... ...14,168,000 will ruin their Sweepstakes ...184,000 will immediately throw the packet entry forms by throwing up all over them away after discovering that no hard core porno the moment they see the picture of Ed McMahon. graphic magazines are among those being offered. Of the remaining 30,886,951... Of the remaining 27,085,994... .. .3,800,957 will be farmers and yahoos living ...622,460 will be former Mafia informants who so far out in the sticks that the mailman can't got new identities from the F.B.I, and who are get through until two weeks after the deadline. afraid to claim mail addressed to their real names. 16 VOU ARE SURE mti THE NEXT IINE PUBLISHERS' VEEPSTAKES ARTIST: JOHN CALDWELL WRITER: TOM KOCH Of the remaining 35,648,000... Of the remaining 33,347,951... ...2,300,049 will be wealthy Wall Street .. .2,461,000 will be so confused by all the wheeler-dealers and real estate brokers who stickers, form letters, bonus seals, and don't think prizes of yachts or houses are other garbage that they'll give up without valuable enough to waste time trying to win. ever finding the Sweepstakes entry form. Of the remaining 26,463,534... Of the remaining 9,545,994... ...16,917,540 will be so busy reading the ...924,875 will be so intent on winning the magazines that they subscribed to last year Promptness Bonus by mailing before "midnight in hopes of winning that they won't have tonight" that they'll be arrested for breaking time to open this year's contest packet. into the Post Office before "midnight tonight." 17 Of the remaining 8,621,119... Of the remaining 7,728,619... only read the part that says, "You ...71,000 will be more than 95 years old, and will may have already won $1,000,000!" and assume they reason that it's just plain goofy to go after prize don't have to do anything but wait for the money. money that's paid out in 30 annual installments. Of the remaining 7,657,619... Of the remaining 5,463,269... ...2,194,350 will skip it for fear that the pub ...2,432,005 will fail to participate because they licity of a big contest win might cause the I.R.S. can't find the only obscure option among 85 possi to notice that they've never filed a tax return. bilities that lets you enter without buying anything. the remaining 3,031,264... Of the remaining 681,264... .. .2,350,000 will be loyal members of the National ...1,868 will consult numerologists who tell them Society To Wipe Out Junk Mail, and are bound by that their assigned numbers are so unlucky that oath to destroy Sweepstakes envelopes on sight. using them could touch off an epidemic of cholera. Of the remaining 679,396... Of the remaining 2... ...679,394 will look closely at the photo of last year's winners and decide that they'd ...1 will be none other than prizemeister Ed McMahon, rather lose $1,000,000 than risk being seen who is ineligible to win his own contest, thus leaving with this year's roundup of goons and fools. you as the only possible choice for first prize!! 18 REACHING NEW HYPES OF ABSURDITY DEPT. Hi, I'm Okra Windfree! Really! I bet you didn't even recognize the new skinny me! Hey, I lost so much weight my "Al Sharpton" Wig weighs more than I do! What's that have to do with anything? Well, it's my clever way of introducing- today's topic—IMAGES!! You know, in 1988 we had an election in this country and the candidates were packaged and huckstered like hemorrhoid cream, odor eaters, roach poison or any other disgusting product! This brings us to today's special guest expert, Mr. Roger Ailing, who has just been chosen as... AMD? poimcm irnciGc flKIKCR Or TIIC YEAR Mr. Ailing, just What has So whether Ya know what kind of Neither! professional They're the same! Wrestling promoters it's true or Okra, background do I used wrestling and political advisors both give guys not doesn't you're you have? Are to be a got to phony images! And wrestling and politics matter as quick! you experienced professional do with are well rehearsed, carefully staged, long as you You're in communications wrestling politics? good vs. evil confrontations which the fool the public! very or psychology? promoter! public buys like they were entirely real! quick! - fMgM ^ OUR H0STA6&i\ & PAROOH i Oilie North W John Pb fndexter ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONE What We take a nerd and make him look exactly like a leader! We teach him to walk.. do you do for a candidate? Okra, meet my Hold it! No questions, But Not when I'm running things! Suppose candidate, Senator, how no interviews, no press aren't you ask him something we haven't Senator do you feel conferences! We've got press rehearsed or suppose he forgets an Joe Bland! about... an election to win! conferences answer? We could blow the whole part of the election! There, there, don't you election worry, Joe baby, I won't let process? her ask you any nasty questions! I only want media coverage on Don't you think Yeah, but then upbeat, flag waving, Americana important issues Voters are turned off by all that it's too late! photo opportunity bits—the pap u like taxes, the boring stuff! They want to hear about I stage that the TV networks show environment and things they can relate to. like the Like I said every night as hard news! All this the deficit Pledge of Allegiance and school prayer! before, you're free ad time allows us to spend should be There's plenty of time to discuss junk quick! You're our cash on really important stuff, discussed? like taxes and deficits after the election! very quick! like negative smear commercials! Let's Sir, what's I say Hold it! New And some of Here, Nah, go! your the polls show our biggest Senator, The Soviets and the U.S. Won't the we'll Places, view Soviet Americans contributors read must work together for voters be just every on our Union want are making this! peace. I look forward to upset about maintain one! relation is better megabucks It's more trade that will help the Senator he's got "Debate ship an relations business your us both. We'll send them our flip- "flexible rehearsal, with the evil with the deals in new technical know-how and they'll flopping con Take 29!" Soviets? empire Soviets! Moscow! position! send us caviar and baggy suits! like that? victions"! Do But won't It won't be This is our No, they We do research you So he's a bit fuzzy on the issues! He's you feel my fault! think tank. think of into his back really the ideal candidate! He goes to church, guilty if an The people ways to ground and try think has never been caught cheating on a school unqualified will elect Do they think screw to come up he's exam or on his wife, he's never admitted man gets him, not of ways to the with some good Presi to smoking pot, Dirty Harry is his hero, elected me! Hey, help our opposing sleazy stuff dential he knows the Pledge of Allegiance by heart President? don't country solve candi we can use timber? and he does exactly what I tell him to! even vote! its problems? date! against him! This is my No, I He thinks Imagine, some day speech writing You mean real defense ur technical age we call them "sound school kids will department. mean biggies- is some bites" and they play great on TV! The have to memorize They've written Nixon, Bob Hope, thing you days of long, boring speeches are over! the great political for some Ford, Johnny put up The public has a very short attention statements of the of the most Carter Carson around span! Lincoln couldn't get away with 80's, like "Read my famous people and and David de-back that "Fourscore and seven years" crap! lips" and "Go in history! Reagan? Letterman! yard! Ha! s too deep for today's audience! ahead, make my day!" Okay, put on this hardhat and repeat after me. USA! USA!USA!USA! I want My daddy said that in America And he also I'd like to Eighty years Okay, that my anyone can grow up to be what thinks his help, but we wouldn't just about husband ever they want to, especially vice-president, just don't have be enough! wraps it to be if they're filthy rich! And I'm Spiro Agnew, enough time Look, I'm up! This the well qualified, too! In fact, had one of to give Danny an image is Okra next one of our greatest Presidents, the great boy a real maker, not Windfree President Richard Nixon, said that I minds of the Presidential a miracle returning of the USA! was an "intellectual giant"! 20th Century! image. worker! you to MAD! TALES FROM THE DUCK SIDE DEPT. THE FEATHERED FEEDING FRENZY ARTIST AND WRITER: DUCK EDWING 23 FRANK ON A ROLL DEPT. VjESKS***-- .,- " ' : ' '<• ' ^-s$f'-% 6 %I E SUMMER5 LACKEP EXCITEMENT BACK /N /8#? ! Ifif NATION MAP WC PAST/ME*, WAICH WAS NOT A HAPPY SIGN; THOUGH SOME TURNED ON It) GOLF OR CAU6HT THE FEVER OF CRC^UEf, 'THROUGHOUT THE LAND PEEP SlGUS WERE HEARD OF BOREQpM AND DlSAW- Dt>f THEN SOME GCNTS fRopOSEP A PLAN THAT FOLKS WOULP SORELY LOVE--"5 CoMPET/NG TEAMS PROVIPfNG THRILLS WITH BALL AND 6AT AND GLOVE, ANCt SPLENPOROUS (H VNlfDPMb, ?b\V PLAYERS KNOWN AS *PRD3»* 'TWAS BASEBALL, WONDROUS BASEBALL, AND WODLP BANISH ALL OUR W&. THE 6RANPEST GAME OF ALL IT WAS, AS FEW MEN WOULP DENY, AMERICAN A5 MOM, THE STARS AND STR/PES AND APPLE ?\l \ F/NE TEAMS mm BUILT- Tut YANKS AND REPS, THE POD6ERS AND THE CUBS. AND BLEACHERS ROOKFP EACH AFTERNOON AS TANS cue&tzv on THEIR CLUBS. fi-REAT HEROES REI6NED-THE IRON HORSE, THE BABE ANP STAN THE MAM, THE POKE. ANP TEP AND TOLT/N' TOE-A/AMES KNOWN TO Ey'RV FAN* MORE LOUP THAN CHEERS FOR PRESIDENT'S OR MONARCHS OE THE WORLP WERE THOSE ACCLA/MING W/NNlNG £UNS OR SHUTOUTS SMARTLY HPRLEP. fOR MANY YEARS, THIS S?L€HV)0 SPORT W/TH GLADNESS F/LLfjP OUR HEARTS, UNT/L, ALAS, THERE CAME THE URGE TO T/NKZfZ WITH ITS FARTS : WHERE ONCE ALL GAMES WERE^ PLAYEP BY PAY, MOST NOW WERE PLAYEP AT N'GHT; _ .400 H/TTERS, LONG REVECEP, 5^0N DISAfPEAREP F7?0M S/GHT. A/EXT GREEDY OWNERS MOVED THEIR TEAMS FCOM QT/ES LONG CALLED HOME; LEGS FELT THE T-fc/N CT A^TRCTVRP INSIDE. SOME LEAKY POME • THROO&Uovr THE LAND, D7SGUSTED FANS m#£ 5/CKENEP 8Y /f ALL; ^'5TRIK^ ONE"/"THEY LOOPLY WARNED, BUT BASEBALL PLDNT HEAR THE CALL^ MORE SEASONS PASSEP ANP A\ANY FEAREP THE GAME HAP LOST ITS SOUL Top JOCKS SOLD OUT To ANY TEAM, BIG BOCKS THEIR ONLY GOAL; XWHILF IN THE STAMPS NEAR-RIOTS RAGED AMONG THE" SLOSHEP AND STONEP, CHE/R BEER SUPPLIED BY COMPANIES THE BALLCLUB BIGWIGS OWNED. ^WT? TO W ^J3&^ fepONP//^ TO THE &AME"5 DECLINE, THE OWNERS SPUKl TAE/R. W4E£l£, CONTENT TO RAKE" /A) TONS Of CA6A FROM SWEF.THEART A/ETWOgK PEALfc; fHE fAN5, A6A/M FORGOTTEN, 6EETHEP AS VCKZT PR/CES SOAREP; f5ft\K£ 1WO/" GANG" OOf THE/£ CAUL, WrtfCtf tfASERALL ON6E AGAIN" KaNORFt? IrtE^VEAJ^ WAVE WEAKENED BASEBAU-'S HEART; (TS POl$£ (5 FAP/NG FAST; yer More. REMA/NS rr MAY REO-A/M THE ctto/ev OF ITS PA^T ; Bl/f 'NOW WE HEAR Of COCA/M BUYS ANp PLAVEfcS $AJ£AK/AJ<* TOOTS, fllli \ANP GfrMutik RAfS AND SORP/p 5EX°ANP PAUA40NV 4 \'< M *- •+ .*- ^.; ?^ ^ PI \N ; ,s ;^'v» , -1/ •«».«. ^ to* r t-i-i ©K, SCMEWHEKE THE^E'^ A &RANP OLP &AME THAT'6 fRFE. Of GfcEED ANP 6LEAM A 6AME WHERE OWN6R6 HOfJOE FAMS AMP KEEP fftEfRGUARANTrES^ AMP SOMEWHERE JOCK6 freN^mZZ. WHAT THF 6AA4E IS ALL ABOUT; 6Uf YOU CAN K66 THE PREAM <*OCpBVE -ALMKHIY 3ASBMLL HAS Sfftft ^ //' *£? ARTIST": JAMES WAt?-HOLA WRITER; FRANK rTACOSS fmw THIS JUST IN ... AND OUT DEPT. KENNEBUNK, MAINE: WEATHERBREAKER WHO FIRST SPOTTED HURRI FLEETING CANE WILBUR "SIflffi" OF THE SIX Q'CLQCK LAWRENCE, KANSAS: JERSEY CITY, NEW JERSEY: THE COKER TRIPLETS, RE-UNITED AFTER SIXTY- IN-LAWS OF THIRD LARGEST LOTTERY WINNER IN TWO YEARS, THANKS TO THIS TV STATION NEW HAMPSHIRE ARTIST AND WRITER: BUCKS COUNTY, PENNSYLVANIA: COLDSPRING, NEW YORK: MISS LISA RUCKDESCHEL FROM THE UPSTATE MR. DAVID DASCH, WHO WALKED BACKWARDS SCHOOL OF MUSIC, WHO SANG THE NATIONAL AN- FROM ALBANY TO NYC. TO PROTEST THE WAN 26 THEM TO OPEN THE TRIPLE-A BASEBALL SEASON TON KILLING OF CRABGRASS TEXARKANA, TEXAS: CINCINNATI, OHIO: WINNER OF CHUCKWAGON CHILI CONTEST, AND YOUNG MAN WHO MADE BARE-HANDED CATCH JUDGES OF A DARRYL STRAWBERRY FOUL TIP LOCAL rUEtlTS SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CALIFORNIA: O'HARE AIRPORT, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS: MR. AND MRS. WALLY ZICKER AND THEIR RECORD TAXI DRIVER WHO RETURNED PRICELESS BASS 86 POUND ZUCCHINI FIDDLE WITHOUT ACCEPTING A REWARD PAUL PETER PORGES & WINNEBAGO, HAWAII: GRANDMA LULA BETH GRUNE, CONGRATULATED LINCOLN, NEBRASKA: ON HER 101st BIRTHDAY BY HER GREAT-GREAT FRANKLIN J. CUPS, HIGHEST STATEWIDE S.A.T. GRANDDAUGHTER TIFFANY SCORER WITH HIS PROUD PARENTS 27 (Vrn*5t- 7A SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPT. This film is a compilation of all the stupid \,< k movies you ever saw rolled up into one. It's beneath the writer's dignity to furnish an : ARTIST: JACK DAVIS PWSSM L|gI r - % ; / r ^ r -r-i ^M Look at that guy agp-js^/Mut ~ • TZZ Oh, I saw that a The «—• showThis smovi all eo f |fM- thIte musshortest be t \/ y mi;^~* flick! What part staring down the || No, he was in TITLE |f^ Hulk Hogan's U[ picture in sj^;\ f did he play? Hulkster! Is this II a film called ROLE! talents! •*"] film history! ~~f*y his first picture? |4 "Runaway Train"! MwL.^ As the movie's producer, you And then you used a What are Oh, I'l hit upon an interesting idea. wrestling superstar | you going to saw think of You pitted a black guy against saw to grab the kids! How'd 1 do for something- a white guy and got both audi "Rocky you think of that? "Rocky Wm the sequel? after I see ences! How'd you think of that? I"! "Rocky V"! : \ . introduction to such an idiotic clap trap! If it weren't for the money, the writer wouldn't have even done the following spoof of: I can't understand So what?! In Pro I'm signed Ha! Everyone You At least Ted why our network's Yeah, but you showed Wrestling matches with a rival has his price! can't DiBiase has the ratings are down! replays of last year's everyone always network! You'll do anything buy class to do Didn't I just World Series! Everyone knows who's I won't for money! me!. this with cash! finish showing already knew who going to win! wrestle Here's a the World Series? was going to win! Go figure!! for you! blank check! Hey, why is I think we're in trouble! You were looking at this steel saw a stat sheet on this his I.Q.! His chest is wall coming guy! His chest measures 58! a lot bigger than that! down? 30 1 Your wrestling and We Gee, 1 i No! 1 •. in my love making What both wish Oh? Do you need him have a lot do you fake Wince like kinky, to tell me in common! mean? it! McMahon threesome what to was here! sex? do next! What a What A fat Pat sorry-looking The crews of do Sajak! But bunch of Alaskan I I'm not sure drunks! Who oil tankers! look that's the are these Want to fight like? answer you're people? one of them? looking for! .-• r •• , '•- -•' • " / ; v /; i •'/• -•••' >,'• 'jyffl-f '\>-{ r ' • "1^ ^4. WX' I i , Hi iH ^ srsc?* • ^ v.. i <• /' - It should be "Zoos" Here's the Big deal! He's 100 pounds My name is "Zeus"! It's because you smell man to defeat lighter than Big John because I have like an exotic the Ripester! Stud, and 200 pounds powers like a God! animal's cage! Zoos weighs lighter than King Kong M _ 300 pounds!! Bundy or Andre the Giant! %M e TiWffQli \<4 Ripe, Zoos Actually, there are a few things you Gee, No, I'm embarrassed to just beat up could do. You could call a cop and There's only I hate You're embarrassed to see how much worse he your brother! have Zoos arrested for assault with one thing for to see see a wrestling champ acts on the screen than He's in intent to kill! Or you could sue him! me to do! Get that! show his emotions? he does in the ring! pretty bad But that would be using your head, REVENGE!!! shape! and you're not used to that! *»—^ Brill said that Actually, there are if I don't a few things you throw the match, could do! You could he'll kill call the FBI and Scamantha! report the kidnap There's only ping. You could one thing to phone Brill and tape do. Obey him! the call! You could ... •-i : % iMmmr'" *d I win! Who are they? No! I'm talking about Nobody Guess again, chump! The Powers of guys that are more can I have a bunch of Pain? The savage, more vicious stop guys here who are Twin Towers? than the likes of me / going to murder you! Is it Demolition and Twin now! / They'll tear you apart! Demolition? Towers! I'm talking - Groceries Topple From STOCKS PLUMMET Shelves In Supermarket IN MARKET CRASH ro «&• ••''JO :, •">/?<;, ^;°'- - •!£*»> ^:? Citizens Critical Of BLAST ROCKS Atlantic City Landmark •"••'.'•, JERSEY PIER ''Sett iu^^SIy^u^h a c l:immSS2MMMm§^Cf. . '•ry. Aides Expose Shoddy Paint Job Of VICIOUS SMEAR TACTICS CITED Mayor's Office By Angry Workmen IN CITY HALL COVER-UP m ttf ,• y o i Y"" &w- 0; (; r] S£S ., o„. 'ri^_- Vsf-x'cj^'i: ' ^-:,^ ! - ^ - •* o>> T Hr,., { Voting Drive Stepped V.D. ON RISE IN /^;; j Up In The Big Apple __ NEW YORK CITY ! -V'W " ';" ',"»""•, lyw *fffl%S •l'''L">if4lyM)'>?ft*'"1- 2 ,»4 ^'•'.J / !j,-fS." '''•'• X: '''"'' •%\ 'ft ft, "0' \**l>\* 1 TO ,f •"!, WRITER: PAUL ; / 4 ''•'ft: !, Abolished For Lack Of Government Funds ^A UP BY FEDS *«« ""*/,.. 7*v,r- X6*. \ .''<•„..: "oj— Rug Craftsmen Display Their HOOKERS OPENLY PLYING THEIR * Creations In Downtown Fair ,'*'"-»" TRADE ON OUR CITY'S STREETS v ••'>7 '«>», *to !'/> AT ••'.',. Consumer Advocate Finds Con JWttffl AHOEff SHOCKED Edison's Rates Exorbitant "'ft. •^ft Pr , (<*t-A BY ELECTRICAL CHARGE '•/'/„ r^ '•' Or '^^ WW-* St '.'2ft s^g^as^'^i^ &*:w VAe^' -'«/ .*_!_ . 'ftjn v "•'ft -^ Suppl'' la—— y**^— Fallt •sN Whil- • fiw.e; ,-L.itiL**.Bein g- li>*^v^Lifte' dLi). T. oALL^-^ii ^ BLOOD SPILLED IN ">) High Shelf At Local Plasma Center •^6^7 MIDTOWN BANK HEIST ^//7 »e /i% >«,,. °r~. I it re. £# yr^^^-^y. a ^^ e*v Re-Opening Party Held BIG BLAST AT At Three-Mile Island vw.> NUKE PLANT 'u !- ^ftX oV- «">d ^c/o? An. /0 "*<>if I;' COMMUNICATION . and wait'll you hear You girls are impossible! And you guys don't, right? We never gossip! We just trade what I just heard about All you know how to do is I know what goes on when vital information, comparisons, Michelle! It seems that.. gossip about each other! you get together and gab! and statistics about others to assist us in our relationships! WI1\ °l : .:;v T o I "S!h FORD-GONE CONCLUSION DEPT. Cv:;• : ; - What's the hot-action, feel-good hit of the summer movies that people are Snakes alive! Yikes! All these flocking to see? Well, actually it's a tie between two films—Batman and snakes are alive! Now you Ghostbusters II, of course! Which is why MAD now proudly presents its satire of... know why I hate snakes in my first movie as Inbanana Jones, although explaining that in the last film of the series doesn't make much sense! Anyway, I just retrieved the Sign of the Holy Contrivance so I can pass Archeology Merit Badge and finally become an Eagle Scout! ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: DICK DEBARTOLO Young Me, I'm not with any museum, In this movie I have an affair Wow! This is the longest Inbanana Yeah, right along too! I'm with a collection with a beautiful Nazi woman, chase scene on record! thinks side of this story What agency! No one has made get kidnapped, escape a blazing I started out as a young ancient line! But I want museum a payment on the Sign castle, survive a daring mid Boy Scout, fell in a vat relics the Sign of the are of the Holy Contrivance air dog-fight, and almost get of snakes along the way, belong Holy Contrivance you for over two hundred killed in a wild tank chase! and here I am as a mature, in a for my own with? years! My company It's sure nice to relax after adult sex symbol—and the museum! establishment! !&*>:• ' -—""""' wants to repossess it! all those wild James Bond films! chase still hasn't ended! I've got it, Oh, I Sounds easy Actually, I'd Idiot? That's no way to Let's look for him in Professor Big deal! It will! The enough— rather just refer to your father! Not Venice! Think of the Barf bag! took you But one Holy unless I stay here only is Dr. Jones, Sr. wild boat chases in I've found 23 years! I question— Grail have and be a on the quest, he found those canals, the the Sign hope you can What's is a to find sex object! two of the three clues death and destruction, of the find the a Holy very the Only an idiot needed to find the the special effects! Holy Holy Grail a Grail? sacred matching would take Grail! The trouble is And if Dad is there, Contrivance! lot quicker! cup! saucer, too! on that quest! now we can't find him! so much the better! Ah, I knew it— Well, since That is a boat chase! We are men of peace! you're men indeed But it would be We are members of a of peace very nice to know cult of total love like myself, sporting then I will who you guys and brotherhood! of you, try to kill are and why Naturally, we kill Doctor you back! you're trying anyone in search Jones, to kill us! of the Holy Grail! Junior! 46 Don't call me "Junior," We come in peace I will leave you with this information, This place is crawling with or I'll steer you and go in pieces! Dr. Jones, Jun ... er, second generation- rats, too! Of the Nazi kind! right into that giant Such is life! your father is being held captive in The question is, in which propeller of the Or perhaps death! the walled Kurtheim castle on the room is Dad being held good ship Cuisinart! Whatever! Austrian border! Have a nice day! captive? He's such a fussy old coot, this one must be it! Here we You're right, I I know she did, When we find the I don't believe anything are, For the should call you but how do you Holy Grail, will come close to this trapped last "schmuck" for know that? we can expect miracle—two unarmed men together time, trusting Dr. Did you see to see< all escaping from a castle in this never Snide! She had the swastika sorts of filled with Nazis armed burning call "Nazi" written tatoo on her unbelievable with tons of the very room, me all over her! butt, you miracles, son! latest automatic weapons! Junior! "Junior"! dirty old man? There are a few Let's see... "Walk softly This is I'm not forgetful! And I Here's your things we must and carry a big stick?" absurd! did write it all down, you diary! do to retrieve No, that's not it! Why don't snotty kid! And yes, I do Look! the Holy Grail! "Close cover before you write remember exactly where I had it striking?" No, I don't everything wrote it—in my diary! autographed think so! "Swing your down if by Der What are partner and doe-si-do?" you're so Fuhrer they? No, that's not it, either... forgetful? himself! "To my naughty You and Hitler? Aw, wait, fellas! I was Why did Because I always wanted Nazi, Dr. Snide! You are the hoping that the three we go Obviously so to take a nice, long I'll never lowest tramp of us would goose step through we could ride on the Hindenburg, forget the fun in the world! over to the hotel, get all that steal this that's why! And now I times in my C'mon Dad, a room, and have fun trouble small can't be there for the bunker! Heil me! let's get trying to close the to board escape big blowout when they Adolph Hitler"! outta here! generation gap a little! the giant plane land in New Jersey! Zeppelin? underneath! Damn my bad luck! See, there's the Someone must have Dad's been shot and I've got Hmm, let's see... resting place of approached the to retrieve the Holy Grail in old Latin the Holy Grail, cave and didn't or he'll die! Rule one— Jehovah begins just like it's plan a head! "Only the repentant man with an "I"! shown on my map! But you'll do shall pass, but only if he I'd like to buy better because I knows where the 'off' switch a vowel, Vanna! ;>ave you the is for the whirling blades!" rules to follow! Welcome! I am Sir Steven of Spielberg, I'll tell you, Junior, you chose the You mean I have to put up with I'm going back keeper of the Holy Grail! I've been suddenly this correct cup and we your crotchety behavior and to Venice to guarding it for over 1000 years, and doesn't seem drank the blessed your insistence on calling me drink some when you figure in time and a half, as much of a waters! That means "Junior" and keep going on Exxon water I must be one very rich guy! But I Holy Quest we both now have these wild goose chases and end warn you, stranger, only one of as it does eternal life! for all eternity? No way! it all now! those cups is the real Holy Grail! one big ftp Is it Cup #1, Cup #2, or Cup #3? game show! WHEN IT COMES HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS TO PROTECTING US, WHERE IS OUR GOVERNMENTS Our government is ever vigilant when it comes to national security. Yet, one glaring weak WEAKEST LINK? spot remains. To find out where that is, simply fold in the page as shown in diagram on right. IN A WORLD THREATENED BY NUCLEAR CONFLICTTHE FOREMOST CONCERN IS DEFENSE. THE ONLY GOOD CHANCE WE HAVE IS TO REPEL WHATEVER COMES IN! A^ Y / j if ; LZHn— MONO — -w^